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+Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells
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+Title: The Garotters
+
+Author: William D. Howells
+
+Release Date: May, 2002  [Etext #3237]
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+[The actual date this file first posted = 02/05/01]
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+Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells
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+This etext was produced from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David
+Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+
+
+THE GAROTTERS
+
+by William D. Howells
+
+
+
+
+PART FIRST
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I:  MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS
+
+
+
+At the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts
+stands looking out into the early nightfall.  A heavy snow is
+driving without, and from time to time the rush of the wind and the
+sweep of the flakes against the panes are heard.  At the sound of
+hurried steps in the anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window,
+and runs to the portiere, through which she puts her head.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Is that you, Edward?  So dark here!  We ought really
+to keep the gas turned up all the time.'
+
+MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without:  'Yes, it's I.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Well, hurry in to the fire, do!  Ugh, what a storm!
+Do you suppose anybody will come?  You must be half frozen, you poor
+thing!  Come quick, or you'll certainly perish!'  She flies from the
+portiere to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a
+log, jumps back, brushes from her dress with a light shriek the
+sparks driven out upon it, and continues talking incessantly in a
+voice lifted for her husband to hear in the anteroom.  'If I'd
+dreamed it was any such storm as this, I should never have let you
+go out in it in the world.  It wasn't at all necessary to have the
+flowers.  I could have got on perfectly well, and I believe NOW the
+table would look better without them.  The chrysanthemums would have
+been quite enough; and I know you've taken more cold.  I could tell
+it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as quick as they're
+gone to-night I'm going to have you bathe your feet in mustard and
+hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed.  And I
+don't want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be
+sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won't be of the least
+use.'  She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the
+portiere, his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out
+of knot, and his shirt front rumpled.  'Why, Edward, what in the
+world is the matter?  What has happened?'
+
+ROBERTS, sinking into a chair:  'Get me a glass of water, Agnes--
+wine--whisky--brandy--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about:  'Yes, yes.  But what--Bella!
+Bridget!  Maggy!--Oh, I'll go for it myself, and I WON'T stop to
+listen!  Only--only don't die!'  While Roberts remains with his eyes
+shut, and his head sunk on his breast in token of extreme
+exhaustion, she disappears and reappears through the door leading to
+her chamber, and then through the portiere cutting off the dining-
+room.  She finally descends upon her husband with a flagon of
+cologne in one hand, a small decanter of brandy in the other, and a
+wineglass held in the hollow of her arm against her breast.  She
+contrives to set the glass down on the mantel and fill it from the
+flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her hand, and while she
+presses the glass to her husband's lips, begins to pour the brandy
+on his head.  'Here! this will revive you, and it'll refresh you to
+have this cologne on your head.'
+
+ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter,
+and springing to his feet:  'Why, you've given me the cologne to
+DRINK, Agnes!  What are you about?  Do you want to poison me?  Isn't
+it enough to be robbed at six o'clock on the Common, without having
+your head soaked in brandy, and your whole system scented up like a
+barber's shop, when you get home?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Robbed?'  She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter
+down on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon of cologne in
+the wood-box, abandons herself to justice:  'Then let them come for
+me at once, Edward!  If I could have the heart to send you out in
+such a night as this for a few wretched rosebuds, I'm quite equal to
+poisoning you.  Oh, Edward, WHO robbed you?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'That's what I don't know.'  He continues to wipe his head
+with his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to time.
+'All I know is that when I got--phew!--to that dark spot by the Frog
+Pond, just by--phew!--that little group of--phew!--evergreens, you
+know--phew!--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Yes, yes; go on!  I can bear it, Edward.'
+
+ROBERTS:  '--a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on
+in the other direction.  I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my
+watch under the lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped
+my hand to my waistcoat, and--phew!--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Waistcoat!  Yes!'
+
+ROBERTS:  '--found my watch gone.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'What!  Your watch?  The watch Willis gave you?  Made
+out of the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to
+California?  Don't ask me to believe it, Edward!  But I'm only too
+glad that you escaped with your life.  Let them have the watch and
+welcome.  Oh, nay dear, dear husband!'  She approaches him with
+extended arms, and then suddenly arrests herself.  'But you've got
+it on!'
+
+ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his
+dishevelled appearance:  'Yes; I took it from him.'  At his wife's
+speechless astonishment:  'I went after him and took it from him.'
+He sits down, and continues with resolute calm, while his wife
+remains standing before him motionless:  'Agnes, I don't know how I
+came to do it.  I wouldn't have believed I could do it.  I've never
+thought that I had much courage--physical courage; but when I felt
+my watch was gone, a sort of frenzy came over me.  I wasn't hurt;
+and for the first time in my life I realised what an abominable
+outrage theft was.  The thought that at six o'clock in the evening,
+in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an inoffensive
+citizen could be assaulted and robbed, made me furious.  I didn't
+call out.  I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and
+ran after the fellow.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Edward!'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Yes, I did.  He hadn't got half-a-dozen rods away--it all
+took place in a flash--and I could easily run him down.  He was
+considerably larger than I--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh!'
+
+ROBERTS:  '--and he looked young and very athletic; but these things
+didn't seem to make any impression on me.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale,
+Edward!'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Well, I wonder a little at myself.  I don't set up for a
+great deal of--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'But I always knew you had it!  Go on.  Oh, when I
+tell Willis of this!  Had the robber any accomplices?  Were there
+many of them?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I only saw one.  And I saw that my only chance was to
+take him at a disadvantage.  I sprang upon him, and pulled him over
+on his back.  I merely said, "I'll trouble you for that watch of
+mine, if you please," jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from
+his pocket--I broke the chain, I see--and then left him and ran
+again.  He didn't make the slightest resistance nor utter a word.
+Of course it wouldn't do for him to make any noise about it, and I
+dare say he was glad to get off so easily.'  With affected
+nonchalance:  'I'm pretty badly rumpled, I see.  He fell against me,
+and a scuffle like that doesn't improve one's appearance.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly:  'Edward!  I don't know what to say!
+Of course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been
+through, and to think what might have happened; but I think you
+behaved splendidly.  Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism!
+You needn't tell ME that he made no resistance.  There was a deadly
+struggle--your necktie and everything about you shows it.  And you
+needn't think there was only one of them--'
+
+ROBERTS, modestly:  'I don't believe there was more.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Nonsense!  There are ALWAYS two!  I've read the
+accounts of those garottings.  And to think you not only got out of
+their clutches alive, but got your property back--Willis's watch!
+Oh, what WILL Willis say?  But I know how proud of you he'll be.
+Oh, I wish I could scream it from the house-tops.  Why didn't you
+call the police?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I didn't think--I hadn't time to think.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'No matter.  I'm glad you have ALL the glory of it.
+I don't believe you half realise what you've been through now.  And
+perhaps this was the robbers' first attempt, and it will be a lesson
+to them.  Oh yes!  I'm glad you let them escape, Edward.  They may
+have families.  If every one behaved as you've done, there would
+soon be an end of garotting.  But, oh!  I can't bear to think of the
+danger you've run.  And I want you to promise me never, never to
+undertake such a thing again!'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Well, I don't know--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Yes, yes; you must!  Suppose you had got killed in
+that awful struggle with those reckless wretches tugging to get away
+from you!  Think of the children!  Why, you might have burst a
+blood-vessel!  Will you promise, Edward?  Promise this instant, on
+your bended knees, just as if you were in a court of justice!'  Mrs.
+Roberts's excitement mounts, and she flings herself at her husband's
+feet, and pulls his face down to hers with the arm she has thrown
+about his neck.  'Will you promise?'
+
+
+
+SCENE II:  MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved:  'Promise you what, Agnes?  The
+man doesn't smoke NOW.  What more can you ask?'  She starts back
+from the spectacle of Roberts's disordered dress.  'Why, what's
+happened to you, Edward?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet:  'Oh, you may well ask that,
+Aunt Mary!  Happened?  You ought to fall down and worship him!  And
+you WILL when you know what he's been through.  He's been robbed!'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Robbed?  What nonsense!  Who robbed him?  WHERE was
+he robbed?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'He was attacked by two garotters--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'No, no--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Don't speak, Edward!  I KNOW there were two.  On the
+Common.  Not half an hour ago.  As he was going to get me some
+rosebuds.  In the midst of this terrible storm.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Is this true, Edward?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Don't answer, Edward!  One of the band threw his arm
+round Edward's neck--so.'  She illustrates by garotting Mrs.
+Crashaw, who disengages herself with difficulty.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Mercy, child!  What ARE you doing to my lace?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as
+fast as he could.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Willis's watch?  Why, he's got it on.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight:  'Exactly what I said when he told
+me.'  Then, very solemnly:  'And do you know WHY he's got it on?--
+'Sh, Edward!  I WILL tell!  Because he ran after them and took it
+back again.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Why, they might have killed him!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Of COURSE they might.  But EDWARD didn't care.  The
+idea of being robbed at six o'clock on the Common made him so
+furious that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or
+anything; but he just ran after them--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Agnes!  Agnes!  There was only ONE.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Nonsense, Edward!  How could you tell, so excited as
+you were?--And caught hold of the largest of the wretches--a perfect
+young giant--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'No, no; not a GIANT, my dear.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Well, he was YOUNG, anyway!--And flung him on the
+ground.'  She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Don't you fling ME on the ground, Agnes!  I won't
+have it.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And tore his coat open, while all the rest were
+tugging at him, and snatched his watch, and then--and then just
+walked coolly away.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Well, RAN.  It's quite the same thing, and I'm just
+as proud of you as if you had walked.  Of course you were not going
+to throw your life away.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I think he did a very silly thing in going after
+them at all.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Why, of course, if I'd thought twice about it, I
+shouldn't have done it.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Of course you wouldn't, dear!  And that's what I
+want him to promise, Aunt Mary:  never to do it again, no matter HOW
+much he's provoked.  I want him to promise it right here in your
+presence, Aunt Mary!'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I think it's much more important he should put on
+another collar and--shirt, if he's going to see company.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Yes; go right off at once, Edward.  How you DO think
+of things, Aunt Mary!  I really suppose I should have gone on all
+night and never noticed his looks.  Run, Edward, and do it, dear.
+But--kiss me first!  Oh, it DON'T seem as if you could be alive and
+well after it all!  Are you sure you're not hurt?'
+
+ROBERTS, embracing her:  'No; I'm all right.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And you're not injured internally?  Sometimes
+they're injured internally--aren't they, Aunt Mary?--and it doesn't
+show till months afterwards.  Are you sure?'
+
+ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands:
+'Yes, I think so.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And you don't feel any bad effects from the cologne
+NOW?  Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to drink, and poured
+the brandy on his head, when he came in!  But I was determined to
+keep calm, whatever I did.  And if I've poisoned him I'm quite
+willing to die for it--oh, quite!  I would gladly take the blame of
+it before the whole world.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Well, for pity's sake, let the man go and make
+himself decent.  There's your bell now.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Yes, do go, Edward.  But--kiss me--'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'He DID kiss you, Agnes.  Don't be a simpleton!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Did he?  Well, kiss me again, then, Edward.  And now
+do go, dear.  M-m-m-m.'  The inarticulate endearments represented by
+these signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across
+the room, in the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters.
+
+
+
+SCENE III:  MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+
+WILLIS, pausing in contemplation:  'Hello!  What's the matter?
+What's she trying to get out of you, Roberts?  Don't you do it,
+anyway, old fellow.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction:  'Willis!  Oh, you've
+come in time to see him just as he is.  Look at him, Willis!'  In
+the excess of her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with
+his arm fast in her clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous
+effect of having just been taken into custody.  Under these
+circumstances Roberts's attempt at an expression of diffident
+heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks guilty, and his eyes fall
+under the astonished regard of his brother-in-law.
+
+WILLIS:  'What's the matter with him?  What's he been doing?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  ''Sh, Edward!  What's he been doing?  What does he
+look as if he had been doing?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Agnes--'
+
+WILLIS:  'He looks as if he had been signing the pledge.  And he--
+smells like it.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'For shame, Willis!  I should think you'd sink
+through the floor.  Edward, not a word!  I AM ashamed of him, if he
+IS my brother.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Why, what in the world's up, Agnes?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Up?  He's been ROBBED!--robbed on the Common, not
+five minutes ago!  A whole gang of garotters surrounded him under
+the Old Elm--or just where it used to be--and took his watch away!
+And he ran after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and
+took it back again.  He wasn't hurt, but we're afraid he's been
+injured internally; he may be bleeding internally NOW--Oh, do you
+think he is, Willis?  Don't you think we ought to send for a
+physician?--That, and the cologne I gave him to drink.  It's the
+brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so.  And he all so
+exhausted he couldn't speak, and I didn't know what I was doing,
+either; but he's promised--oh yes, he's promised!--never, never to
+do it again.'  She again flings her arms about her husband, and then
+turns proudly to her brother.
+
+WILLIS:  'Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Not in the least!  But I've no doubt that Edward can
+explain, after he's changed his linen--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh yes, do go, Edward!  Not but what I should be
+proud and happy to have you appear just as you are before the whole
+world, if it was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your
+absent-mindedness, and his boasts about those California desperadoes
+of his.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Come, come, Agnes!  I MUST protest against your--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, I know it doesn't become me to praise your
+courage, darling!  But I should like to know what Willis would have
+done, with all his California experience, if a garotter had taken
+his watch?'
+
+WILLIS:  'I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a
+quarter himself for getting it cleaned and spoiled.  Anybody but a
+literary man would.  How many of them were there, Roberts?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I only saw one.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'But of course there were more.  How could he tell,
+in the dark and excitement?  And the one he did see was a perfect
+giant; so you can imagine what the rest must have been like.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Did you really knock him down?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Knock him down?  Of course he did.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Agnes, WILL you hold your tongue, and let the men
+alone?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering:  'I can't, Aunt Mary.  And you couldn't,
+if it was yours.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I pulled him over backwards.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'There, Willis!'
+
+WILLIS:  'And grabbed your watch from him?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was
+doing--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And he didn't call for the police, or anything--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Ah, that showed presence of mind!  He knew it wouldn't
+have been any use.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And when he had got his watch away from them, he
+just let them go, because they had families dependent on them.'
+
+WILLIS:  'I should have let them go in the first place, but you
+behaved handsomely in the end, Roberts; there's no denying that.
+And when you came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured
+brandy on your head.  It must have revived you.  I should think it
+would wake the dead.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'I was all excitement, Willis--'
+
+WILLIS:  'No, I should think from the fact that you had set the
+decanter here on the hearth, and put your cologne into the wood-box,
+you were perfectly calm, Agnes.'  He takes them up and hands them to
+her.  'Quite as calm as usual.'  The door-bell rings.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Willis, WILL you let that ridiculous man go away and
+make himself presentable before people begin to come?'  The bell
+rings violently, peal upon peal.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, my goodness, what's that?  It's the garotters--I
+know it is; and we shall all be murdered in our beds!'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'What in the world can it--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Why don't your girl answer the bell, Agnes?  Or I'll go
+myself.'  The bell rings violently again.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'NO, Willis, you sha'n't!  Don't leave me, Edward!
+Aunt Mary!--Oh, if we MUST die, let us all die together!  Oh, my
+poor children!  Ugh!  What's that?'  The servant-maid opens the
+outer door, and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing-
+room portiere.
+
+BELLA THE MAID:  'Oh, my goodness!  Mrs. Roberts, it's Mr. Bemis!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Which Mr. Bemis?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'What's the matter with him?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Why doesn't she show him in?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Has HE been garotting somebody too?'
+
+
+
+SCENE IV:  MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+
+BEMIS, appearing through the portiere:  'I--I beg your pardon, Mrs.
+Roberts.  I oughtn't to present myself in this state--I-- But I
+thought I'd better stop on my way home and report, so that my son
+needn't be alarmed at my absence when he comes.  I--'  He stops,
+exhausted, and regards the others with a wild stare, while they
+stand taking note of his disordered coat, his torn vest, and his
+tumbled hat.  'I've just been robbed--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Robbed?  Why, EDWARD has been robbed too.'
+
+BEMIS:  '--coming through the Common--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Yes, EDWARD was coming through the Common.'
+
+BEMIS:  '--of my watch--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence:  'Oh, and
+it was Edward's WATCH they took!'
+
+WILLIS:  'It's a parallel case, Agnes.  Pour him out a glass of
+cologne to drink, and rub his head with brandy.  And you might let
+him sit down and rest while you're enjoying the excitement.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse:  'Oh, what am I thinking of!
+Here, Edward--or no, you're too weak, you mustn't.  Willis, YOU help
+me to help him to the sofa.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I think you'd better help him off with his overcoat
+and his arctics.'  To the maid:  'Here, Bella, if you haven't quite
+taken leave of your wits, undo his shoes.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'LL help him off with his coat--'
+
+BEMIS:  'Careful! careful!  I may be injured internally.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, if you only WERE, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could
+persuade Edward that he was too:  I KNOW he is.  Edward, don't exert
+yourself!  Aunt Mary, will you STOP him, or do you all wish to see
+me go distracted here before your eyes?'
+
+WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed:  'Well,
+you won't have much trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for
+the present.'
+
+BEMIS:  'They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket--'
+
+WILLIS, looking at the vest:  'I see.  Pretty lively work.  Were
+there many of them?'
+
+BEMIS:  'There must have been two at least--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked
+Edward.'
+
+BEMIS:  'One of them pulled me violently over on my back--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Edward's put HIS arm round his neck and choked him.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Agnes!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'I KNOW he did, Aunt Mary.'
+
+BEMIS:  'And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'EDWARD'S--'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Agnes, I'm thoroughly ashamed of you.  WILL you stop
+interrupting?'
+
+BEMIS:  'And left me lying in the snow.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch
+away again in spite of them all; and he didn't call for the police,
+or anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn't
+bear to think of their suffering families.'
+
+BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment:  'Who?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Edward.  Didn't I SAY Edward, all the time?'
+
+BEMIS:  'I thought you meant me.  I didn't think of pursuing them;
+but you may be very sure that if there had been a policeman within
+call--of course there wasn't one within cannon-shot--I should have
+handed the scoundrels over without the slightest remorse.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Oh!'  He sinks into a chair with a slight groan.
+
+WILLIS:  'What is it?'
+
+ROBERTS:  ''Sh!  Don't say anything.  But--stay here.  I want to
+speak with you, Willis.'
+
+BEMIS, with mounting wrath:  'I should not have hesitated an instant
+to give the rascal in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him--
+no matter if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.'
+
+ROBERTS, under his breath:  'Gracious powers!'
+
+BEMIS:  'And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I
+can't help feeling that he made a great mistake in allowing the
+ruffians to escape.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, with severity:  'I think you are quite right, Mr.
+Bemis.'
+
+BEMIS:  'Probably it was the same gang attacked us both.  After
+escaping from Mr. Roberts they fell upon me.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I haven't a doubt of it.'
+
+ROBERTS, sotto voce to his brother-in-law:  'I think I'll ask you to
+go with me to my room, Willis.  Don't alarm Agnes, please.  I--I
+feel quite faint.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen:  'I can't feel that Edward was to blame.
+Ed--Oh, I suppose he's gone off to make himself presentable.  But
+Willis--Where's Willis, Aunt Mary?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Probably gone with him to help him.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, he SAW how unstrung poor Edward was!  Mr. Bemis,
+I think you're quite prejudiced.  How could Edward help their
+escaping?  I think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to
+get his watch back.'  A ring at the door, and then a number of
+voices in the anteroom.  'I do believe they're all there!  I'll just
+run out and prepare your son.  He would be dreadfully shocked if he
+came right in upon you.'  She runs into the anteroom, and is heard
+without:  'Oh, Dr. Lawton!  Oh, Lou dear!  OH, Mr. Bemis!  How can I
+ever tell you?  Your poor father!  No, no, I CAN'T tell you!  You
+mustn't ask me!  It's too hideous!  And you wouldn't believe me if I
+did.'
+
+Chorus of anguished voices:  'What? what? what?'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'They've been robbed!  Garotted on the Common!  And,
+OH, Dr. Lawton, I'm so glad YOU'VE come!  They're both injured
+internally, but I WISH you'd look at Edward first.'
+
+BEMIS:  'Good heavens!  Is that Mrs. Roberts's idea of preparing my
+son?  And his poor young wife!'  He addresses his demand to Mrs.
+Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair.
+
+
+
+
+PART SECOND
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I:  MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL
+
+
+
+In Mr Roberts's dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered
+tragically confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in
+either hand.
+
+WILLIS:  'Well?'
+
+ROBERTS, gasping:  'My--my watch!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Yes.  How comes there to be two of it?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Don't you understand?  When I went out I--didn't take my
+watch--with me.  I left it here on my bureau.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Oh, merciful heavens! don't you see?  Then I couldn't
+have been robbed!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that
+didn't rob you, then?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'His own!'  He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair.
+'Yes; I left my own watch here, and when that person brushed against
+me in the Common, I missed it for the first time.  I supposed he had
+robbed me, and ran after him, and--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Robbed HIM!'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Yes.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Ah, ha, ha, ha!  I, hi, hi, hi!  O, ho, ho, ho!'  He
+yields to a series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and down,
+and stamping to and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes
+the tears from his cheeks.  'Really, this thing will kill me.  What
+are you going to do about it, Roberts?'
+
+ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity:  'I don't
+know, Willis.  Don't you see that it must have been--that I must
+have robbed--Mr. Bemis?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Bemis!'  After a moment for tasting the fact.  'Why, so it
+was!  Oh, Lord! oh, Lord!  And was poor old Bemis that burly
+ruffian? that bloodthirsty gang of giants? that--that--oh, Lord! oh,
+Lord!'  He bows his head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion,
+demanding, feebly, as he gets breath for the successive questions,
+'What are you going to d-o-o-o?  What shall you s-a-a-a-y?  How can
+you expla-a-ain it?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I can do nothing.  I can say nothing.  I can never
+explain it.  I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it;
+but think of the absurdity--the ridicule!'
+
+WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence:  'Oh, it isn't THAT you've got
+to think of.  You've got to think of the old gentleman's sense of
+injury and outrage.  Didn't you hear what he said--that he would
+have handed over his dearest friend, his own brother, to the
+police?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend,
+his own brother, had intentionally robbed him.  You can't imagine,
+Willis--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, I can imagine a great many things.  It's all well
+enough for you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a
+genuine case of garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch
+go.  He's a very pudgicky old gentleman.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'He is.'
+
+WILLIS:  'And I don't see how you're going to satisfy him that it
+was all a joke.  Joke?  It WASN'T a joke!  It was a real assault and
+a bona fide robbery, and Bemis can prove it.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'But he would never insist--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, I don't know about that.  He's pretty queer, Bemis is.
+You can't say what an old gentleman like that will or won't do.  If
+he should choose to carry it into court--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Court!'
+
+WILLIS:  'It might be embarrassing.  And anyway, it would have a
+very strange look in the papers.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'The papers!  Good gracious!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would
+forget all about the acquittal, and say:  "Roberts?  Oh yes!  Wasn't
+he the one they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old
+friend of his on the Common!"  You see, it wouldn't do to go and
+make a clean breast of it to Bemis.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I see.'
+
+WILLIS:  'What will you do?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I must never say anything to him about it.  Just let it
+go.'
+
+WILLIS:  'And keep his watch?  I don't see how you could manage
+that.  What would you do with the watch?  You might sell it, of
+course--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Oh no, I COULDN'T do that.'
+
+WILLIS:  'You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it
+got him into trouble--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'No, no; that wouldn't do, either.'
+
+WILLIS:  'And you can't have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to
+find it, sooner or later.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Yes.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Besides, there's your conscience.  Your conscience
+wouldn't LET you keep Bemis's watch away from him.  And if it would,
+what do you suppose Agnes's conscience would do when she came to
+find it out?  Agnes hasn't got much of a head--the want of it seems
+to grow upon her; but she's got a conscience as big as the side of a
+house.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Oh, I see; I see.'
+
+WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his
+pockets:  'I tell you what, Roberts, you're in a box.'
+
+ROBERTS, abjectly:  'I know it, Willis; I know it.  What do you
+suggest?  You MUST know some way out of it.'
+
+WILLIS:  'It isn't a simple matter like telling them to start the
+elevator down when they couldn't start her up.  I've got to think it
+over.'  He walks to and fro, Roberts's eyes helplessly following his
+movements.  'How would it do to--No, that wouldn't do, either.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'What wouldn't?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Nothing.  I was just thinking--I say, you might--Or, no,
+you couldn't.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Couldn't what?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Nothing.  But if you were to--No; up a stump that way
+too.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Which way?  For mercy's sake, my dear fellow, don't seem
+to get a clew if you haven't it.  It's more than I can bear.'  He
+rises, and desperately confronts Willis in his promenade.  'If you
+see any hope at all--'
+
+WILLIS, stopping:  'Why, if you were a different sort of fellow,
+Roberts, the thing would be perfectly easy.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Very well, then.  What sort of fellow do you want me to
+be?  I'll be any sort of fellow you like.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, but you couldn't!  With that face of yours, and that
+confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the
+whitest lie that was ever told.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Do you wish me to lie?  Very well, then, I will lie.
+What is the lie?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Ah, now you're talking like a man!  I can soon think up a
+lie if you're game for it.  Suppose it wasn't so very white--say a
+delicate blonde!'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I shouldn't care if it were as black as the ace of
+spades.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Roberts, I honour you!  It isn't everybody who could steal
+an old gentleman's watch, and then be so ready to lie out of it.
+Well, you HAVE got courage--both kinds--moral and physical.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Thank you, Willis.  Of course I don't pretend that I
+should be willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the
+sake of Agnes and the children--I don't want any awkwardness about
+the matter; it would be the death of me.  Well, what do you wish me
+to say?  Be quick; I don't believe I could hold out for a great
+while.  I don't suppose but what Mr. Bemis would be reasonable, even
+if I--'
+
+WILLIS:  'I'm afraid we couldn't trust him.  The only way is for you
+to take the bull by the horns.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Yes?'
+
+WILLIS:  'You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have
+to wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I--I'm afraid I couldn't manage that.  What is your
+idea?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back,
+and say, in an offhand way, "By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a
+remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on
+the bureau.  Ha, ha, ha!"  Do you think you could do it?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I--I don't know.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Try the laugh now.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'd rather not--now.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, try it, anyway.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Ha, ha, ha!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Once more.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Ha, ha, ha!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'll try.  And then what?'
+
+WILLIS:  'And then you say, "I hadn't put it on when I went out, and
+when I got after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting
+somebody else's watch!"  Then you hold out both watches to her, and
+laugh again.  Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the
+watches, and you make fun and crack jokes at your own expense all
+the time, and pretty soon old Bemis says, "Why, this is MY watch,
+NOW!" and you laugh more than ever--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'm afraid I couldn't laugh when he said that.  I don't
+believe I could laugh.  It would make my blood run cold.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh no, it wouldn't.  You'd be in the spirit of it by that
+time.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Do you think so?  Well?'
+
+WILLIS:  'And then you say, "Well, this is the most remarkable
+coincidence I ever heard of.  I didn't get my own watch from the
+fellow, but I got yours, Mr. Bemis;" and then you hand it over to
+him and say, "Sorry I had to break the chain in getting it from
+him," and then everybody laughs again, and--and that ends it.'
+
+ROBERTS, with a profound sigh:  'Do you think that would end it?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Why, certainly.  It'll put old Bemis in the wrong, don't
+you see?  It'll show that instead of letting the fellow escape to go
+and rob HIM, you attacked him and took Bemis's property back from
+him yourself.  Bemis wouldn't have a word to say.  All you've got to
+do is to keep up a light, confident manner.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'But what if it shouldn't put Bemis in the wrong?  What if
+he shouldn't say or do anything that we've counted upon, but
+something altogether different?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt
+yourself to circumstances.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Wouldn't it be rather more of a joke to come out with the
+facts at once?'
+
+WILLIS:  'On you it would; and a year from now--say next Christmas--
+you could get the laugh on Bemis that way.  But if you were to risk
+it now, there's no telling how he'd take it.  He's so indignant he
+might insist upon leaving the house.  But with this plan of mine--'
+
+ROBERTS, in despair:  'I couldn't, Willis.  I don't feel light, and
+I don't feel confident, and I couldn't act it.  If it were a simple
+lie--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of
+all your ingenuity.  If you want something simple, you must stick to
+the truth, and throw yourself on Bemis's mercy.'
+
+ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress:  'I can't do it; I
+can't do it.  It's very kind of you to think it all out for me,
+but'--struck by a sudden idea--'Willis, why shouldn't YOU do it?'
+
+WILLIS:  'I?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'You are good at those things.  You have so much aplomb,
+you know.  YOU could carry it off, you know, first-rate.'
+
+WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea:  'Well, I
+don't know--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'And I could chime in on the laugh.  I think I could do
+that if somebody else was doing the rest.'
+
+WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection:  'I SHOULD like to do
+it.  I should like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it
+on him.  Roberts, I WILL do it.  Not a word!  I should LIKE to do
+it.  Now you go on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn't
+mind me here.  I'll be rehearsing.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside:  'Edward, are you NEVER
+coming?'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Yes, yes; I'll be there in a minute, my dear.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Yes, he'll be there.  Run along back, and keep it going
+till we come.  Roberts, I wouldn't take a thousand dollars for this
+chance.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'm glad you like it.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Like it?  Of course I do.  Or no!  Hold on!  Wait!  It
+won't do!  No; you must take the leading part, and I'll support you,
+and I'll come in strong if you break down.  That's the way we have
+got to work it.  You must make the start.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'Couldn't you make it better, Willis?  It's your idea.'
+
+WILLIS:  'No; they'd be sure to suspect me, and they can't suspect
+you of anything--you're so innocent.  The illusion will be
+complete.'
+
+ROBERTS, very doubtfully:  'Do you think so?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Yes.  Hurry up.  Let me unbutton that collar for you.'
+
+
+
+
+PART THIRD
+
+
+
+
+SCENE I:  MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG
+MR. AND MRS. BEMIS
+
+
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her
+sofa Mr. Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has
+apparently closed an exhaustive recital of the events which have
+ended in his presence there.  She looks round with a mixed air of
+self-denial and self-satisfaction to read the admiration of her
+listeners in their sympathetic countenances.
+
+DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression:  'Well,
+Mrs. Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of
+hostesses.  Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but
+these little dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way
+of appetizer, are certainly unique.  Last year an elevator stuck in
+the shaft with half the company in it, and this year a highway
+robbery, its daring punishment and its reckless repetition--what the
+newspapers will call "A Triple Mystery" when it gets to them--and
+both victims among our commensals!  Really, I don't know what more
+we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded footpad himself
+as a commensal.  If this sort of thing should become de rigueur in
+society generally, I don't know what's to become of people who
+haven't your invention.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, it's all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton;
+but if you had been here when they first came in--'
+
+YOUNG MRS. BEMIS:  'Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts.  If
+Mr. Bemis--Alfred, I mean--and papa hadn't been with me when you
+came out there to prepare us, I don't know what I should have done.
+I should certainly have died, or gone through the floor.'  She looks
+fondly up into the face of her husband for approval, where he stands
+behind her chair, and furtively gives him her hand for pressure.'
+
+YOUNG MR. BEMIS:  'Somebody ought to write to the Curwens--Mrs.
+Curwen, that is--about it.'
+
+MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand:  'Oh yes, papa, DO write!'
+
+LAWTON:  'I will, my dear.  Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in
+another sphere--hemisphere--and surrounded by cardinals and all the
+other celestial lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this
+new evidence of American enterprise.  I can fancy the effect she
+will produce with it.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'And the Millers--what a shame they couldn't come!
+How excited they would have been!--that is, Mrs. Miller.  Is their
+baby very bad, Doctor?'
+
+LAWTON:  'Well, vaccination is always a very serious thing--with a
+first child.  I should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it,
+that Miller wouldn't be able to be out for a week to come yet.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!'
+
+BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair:  'Well, now that it's all
+explained, Mrs. Roberts, I think I'd better go home; and if you'll
+kindly have them telephone for a carriage--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'NO, indeed, Mr. Bemis!  We shall not let you go.
+Why, the IDEA!  You must stay and take dinner with us, just the
+same.'
+
+BEMIS:  'But in this state--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Oh, never mind the STATE.  You look perfectly well;
+and if you insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge
+against Edward for not arresting him.  Wait!  We can put you in
+perfect order in just a second.'  She flies out of the room, and
+then comes swooping back with a needle and thread, a fresh white
+necktie, a handkerchief, and a hair-brush.  'There!  I can't let you
+go to Edward's dressing-room, because he's there himself, and the
+children are in mine, and we've had to put the new maid in the
+guest-chamber--you ARE rather cramped in flats, that's true; that's
+the worst of them--but if you don't mind having your toilet made in
+public, like the King of France--'
+
+BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it:  'Not the least; but--'  He
+laughs, and drops back into his chair.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie
+to his wife, and dropping upon her knees before Mr. Bemis:  'Now,
+Mrs. Lou, you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh
+one, and, MISTER Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I'll have this
+torn button-hole mended before you can think.'  She seizes it and
+begins to sew vigorously upon it.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman
+in the country.'
+
+LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet
+well apart, in an attitude of easy admiration:  'The Wounded Adonis,
+attended by the Loves and Graces.  Familiar Pompeiian fresco.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him:  'I don't see a great many
+Loves.'
+
+LAWTON:  'She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw.  And after what you've just
+said!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Then why don't you do something?'
+
+LAWTON:  'The Loves NEVER do anything--in frescoes.  They stand
+round and sympathise.  Besides, we are waiting to administer an
+anaesthetic.  But what I admire in this subject even more than the
+activity of the Graces is the serene dignity of the Adonis.  I have
+seen my old friend in many trying positions, but I never realised
+till now all the simpering absurdity, the flattered silliness, the
+senile coquettishness, of which his benign countenance was capable.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Don't mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it's nothing but--'
+
+LAWTON:  'Pure envy.  I own it.'
+
+BEMIS:  'All right, Lawton.  Wait till--'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and
+springing to her feet, all in one:  'There, have you finished, Mr.
+and Mrs. Lou?  Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it
+down from his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have--'
+
+LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet:  'A Gentleman of the Old
+School.  Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone.
+Rather flattered, but--recognisable.'
+
+BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety:  'Go on, go on, Lawton.  I
+can understand your envy.  I can pity it.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?'
+
+BEMIS:  'Yes, I could.  I could give the garotter his liberty, and
+present him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he
+could earn an honest living for his family.'
+
+LAWTON, compassionately:  'You ARE pretty far gone, Bemis.  Really,
+I think somebody ought to go for Roberts.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, innocently:  'Yes, indeed!  Why, what in the world can
+be keeping him?'  A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the
+door with a glance.  She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs.
+Roberts, over her shoulder:  'That ridiculous great boy of mine says
+he can't go to sleep unless I come and kiss him good-night.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?--Roberts, or
+Campbell?  But I didn't know they had gone to bed!'
+
+MRS. BEMIS:  'You are too bad, papa!  You know it's little Neddy.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing:  'Oh, I don't mind his nonsense, Lou.  I'll
+fetch them both back with me.'
+
+LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners
+at the doors:  'Now, friends, I have a revelation to make in Mrs.
+Roberts's absence.  I have found out the garotter--the assassin.'
+
+ALL THE OTHERS:  'What!'
+
+LAWTON:  'He has been secured--'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, severely:  'Well, I'm very glad of it.'
+
+YOUNG BEMIS:  'By the police?'
+
+MRS. BEMIS, incredulously:  'Papa!'
+
+BEMIS:  'But there were several of them.  Have they all been
+arrested?'
+
+LAWTON:  'There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Where is he, then?'
+
+LAWTON:  'In this house.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friends--I
+shouldn't like to say HOW old--but if you don't instantly be
+serious, I--I'll carry my rheumatism to somebody else.'
+
+LAWTON:  'My DEAR Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that
+rheumatism of yours!  I will be serious--I will be only too serious.
+The garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.'
+
+ALL, horror-struck:  'Oh!'
+
+LAWTON:  'He went out without his watch.  He thought he was robbed,
+but he wasn't.  He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend
+Bemis here, and took Bemis's watch away, and brought it home for his
+own.'
+
+YOUNG BEMIS:  'Yes, but--'
+
+MRS. BEMIS:  'But, papa--'
+
+BEMIS:  'How do you know it?  I can see how such a thing might
+happen, but--how do you know it DID?'
+
+LAWTON:  'I divined it.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Nonsense!'
+
+LAWTON:  'Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the
+Advertiser a year ago.  It occurs annually--in the newspapers.  And
+I'll tell you what, Mrs. Crashaw--Roberts found out his mistake as
+soon as he went to his dressing-room; and that ingenious nephew of
+yours, who's closeted with him there, has been trying to put him up
+to something--to some game.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Willis has too much sense.  He would know that
+Edward couldn't carry out any sort of game.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Well, then, he's getting Roberts to let HIM carry out the
+game.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Edward couldn't do that either.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Very well, then, just wait till they come back.  Will you
+leave me to deal with Campbell?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'What are you going to do?'
+
+YOUNG BEMIS:  'You mustn't forget that he got us out of the
+elevator, sir.'
+
+MRS. BEMIS:  'We might have been there yet if it hadn't been for
+him, papa.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I shouldn't want Willis mortified.'
+
+BEMIS:  'Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed.  We're fellow-sufferers in this
+business.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me!  I'll spare their
+feelings.  Don't be afraid.  Ah, there they come!  Now don't say
+anything.  I'll just step into the anteroom here.'
+
+
+
+SCENE II:  MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS
+
+
+
+ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with
+his guests:  'Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary!  You've heard of
+our comical little coincidence--our--Mr. Bemis and my--'  He halts,
+confused, and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who
+follows hilariously.
+
+WILLIS:  'Greatest joke on record!  But I won't spoil it for you,
+Roberts.  Go on!'  In a low voice to Roberts:  'And don't look so
+confoundedly down in the mouth.  They won't think it's a joke at
+all.'
+
+ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness:  'Yes, yes--such a joke!  Well,
+you see--you see--'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'See WHAT, Edward?  DO get it out!'
+
+WILLIS, jollily:  'Ah, ha, ha!'
+
+ROBERTS, lugubriously:  'Ah, ha, ha!'
+
+MRS. BEMIS:  'How funny!  Ha, ha, ha!'
+
+YOUNG MR. BEMIS:  'Capital! capital!'
+
+BEMIS:  'Excellent!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die!  Ah, ha, ha!'
+
+ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis:  'Where was I?
+I can't go on unless I know where I was.'
+
+WILLIS, sotto voce to Roberts:  'You weren't anywhere!  For Heaven's
+sake, make a start!'
+
+ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively:  'Ha, ha, ha!  I supposed all
+the time, you know, that I had been robbed, and--and--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Go on! GO on!'
+
+ROBERTS, whispering:  'I can't do it--'
+
+WILLIS, whispering:  'You've GOT to!  You're the beaver that clomb
+the tree.  Laugh naturally, now!'
+
+ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a
+laugh:  'And then I ran after the man--' He stops, and regards Mr.
+Bemis with a ghastly stare.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'What is the matter with you, Edward?  Are you sick?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Sick?  No!  Can't you see that he can't get over the joke
+of the thing?  It's killing him.'  To Roberts:  'Brace up, old man!
+You're doing it splendidly.'
+
+ROBERTS, hopelessly:  'And then the other man--the man that had
+robbed me--the man that I had pursued--ugh!'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, it is too much for him.  I shall have to tell it
+myself, I see.'
+
+ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself:  'And so--so--this
+man--man--ma--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Oh, good Lord--'  Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the
+anteroom and confronts him.  'Oh, the devil!'
+
+LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him:  'Which
+means that you forgot I was coming.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Doctor, you read a man's symptoms at a glance.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr.
+Campbell.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Why don't you advertise, Doctor?  Patients need only
+enclose a lock of their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one
+dollar to pay the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full
+directions for treatment, by return mail.  Seventh son of a seventh
+son.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Ah, don't try to jest it away, my poor friend.  This is
+one of those obscure diseases of the heart--induration of the
+pericardium--which, if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness
+above all things, and desperate wickedness.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?'
+
+LAWTON:  'Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?'
+
+WILLIS:  '_I_ don't know what you're up to.'  He shrugs his
+shoulders and walks up the room.
+
+LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of
+Campbell:  '_I_ don't know what your little game is.'  They return
+together, and stop, confronting each other.
+
+WILLIS:  'But if you think I'm going to give myself away--'
+
+LAWTON:  'If you suppose I'm going to take you at your own figure--'
+They walk up the room together, and return as before.
+
+WILLIS:  'Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?'
+
+MRS. BEMIS, tittering:  'Oh, I'm sure _I_ can't tell.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine.  Can't you
+give me some sort of clue?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted
+anybody's help.'
+
+WILLIS, sighing:  'Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan.  Here I
+come to join a company of friends at the fireside of a burgled
+brother-in-law, and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.'
+Suddenly, after a moment:  'Oh, I understand.  Why, I ought to have
+seen at once.  But no matter--it's just as well.  I'm sure that we
+shall hear Dr. Lawton leniently, and make allowance for his well-
+known foible.  Roberts is bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr.
+Bemis is the father-in-law of his daughter.'
+
+MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay:  'Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you
+mean?'
+
+WILLIS:  'Simply that the mystery is solved--the double garotter is
+discovered.  I'm sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to
+deal harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who
+robbed Mr. Roberts and Mr. Bemis.  All that they ask is to have
+their watches back.  Go on, Doctor!  How will that do, Aunt Mary,
+for a little flyer?'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!'
+She embraces him with joyous pride.
+
+ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously:  'But, my dear Willis--'
+
+WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to
+his place:  'We can't let you talk now.  I've no doubt you'll be
+considerate, and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor.  Go on,
+Doctor!  Free your mind!  Don't be afraid of telling the whole
+truth!  It will be better for you in the end.'  He rubs his hands
+gleefully, and then thrusting the points of them into his waistcoat
+pockets, stands beaming triumphantly upon Lawton.
+
+LAWTON:  'Do you think so?'  With well-affected trepidation 'Well,
+friends, if I must confess this--this--'
+
+WILLIS:  'High-handed outrage.  Go on.'
+
+LAWTON:  'I suppose I must.  I shall not expect mercy for myself;
+perhaps you'll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I don't
+deserve it.  But I had an accomplice--a young man very respectably
+connected, and who, whatever his previous life may have been, had
+managed to keep a good reputation; a young man a little apt to be
+misled by overweening vanity and the ill-advised flattery of his
+friends; but I hope that neither of you gentlemen will be hard upon
+him, but will consider his youth, and perhaps his congenital moral
+and intellectual deficiencies, even when you find your watches--on
+Mr. Campbell's person.'  He leans forward, rubbing his hands, and
+smiling upon Campbell, 'How will that do, Mr. Campbell, for a
+flyer?'
+
+WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw:  'One ahead, Aunt Mary?'
+
+LAWTON, clasping him by the hand:  'No, generous youth--even!'  They
+shake hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and
+joining in the general laugh.
+
+BEMIS, coming forward jovially:  'Well, now, I gladly forgive you
+both--or whoever DID rob me--if you'll only give me back my watch.'
+
+WILLIS:  '_I_ haven't got your watch.'
+
+LAWTON:  'Nor I.'
+
+ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward:  'I--I have
+it, Mr. Bemis.'  He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and hands
+it to Bemis.  Then, visiting the other:  'And what's worse, I have
+my own.  I don't know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for
+my extraordinary behaviour.  Willis thought you might finally see it
+as a joke, and I've done my best to pass it off lightly--'
+
+WILLIS:  'And you succeeded.  You had all the lightness of a sick
+hippopotamus.'
+
+ROBERTS:  'I'm afraid so.  I'll have the chain mended, of course.
+But when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing-
+table, and when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and
+supposed I had been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours--'
+
+WILLIS:  'Being a man of the most violent temper and the most
+desperate courage--'
+
+ROBERTS:  'But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn't hurt you
+seriously?'
+
+BEMIS:  'Not at all--not the least.'  Shaking him cordially by both
+hands:  'I'm all right.  Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with
+her skilful needle; I've got on one of your best neckties, and this
+lace handkerchief of your wife's, which I'm going to keep for a
+souvenir of the most extraordinary adventure of my life--'
+
+LAWTON:  'Oh, it's an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts
+in his character of MORAL hero.  He 'done' it with his little
+hatchet, but he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right
+before he owned up.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, appearing:  'Who, Willis?'
+
+WILLIS:  'A very great and good man--George Washington.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'I thought you meant Edward.'
+
+WILLIS:  'Well, I don't suppose there IS much difference.'
+
+MRS. CRASHAW:  'The robber has been caught, Agnes.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'Caught?  Nonsense!  You don't mean it!  How can you
+trifle with such a subject?  I know you are joking!  Who is it?'
+
+YOUNG BEMIS:  'You never could guess--'
+
+MRS. BEMIS:  'Never in the world!'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS:  'I don't wish to.  But oh, Mr. Bemis, I've just come
+from my own children, and you must be merciful to his family!'
+
+BEMIS:  'For your sake, dear lady, I will.'
+
+BELLA, between the portieres:  'Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.'
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis's arm:  'Oh, then
+you must go in with me, and tell me all about it.'
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells
+
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