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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3237-0.txt b/3237-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c821144 --- /dev/null +++ b/3237-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1790 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Garotters, by William D. Howells + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: The Garotters + + +Author: William D. Howells + + + +Release Date: September 24, 2014 [eBook #3237] +[This file was first posted on 5 February 2001] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS*** + + +Transcribed from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David Price, email +ccx074@pglaf.org + + [Picture: Book cover] + + + + + + THE GAROTTERS + + + BY + + WILLIAM D. HOWELLS + + [Picture: Decorative graphic] + + _Author’s Edition_ + + * * * * * + + EDINBURGH + DAVID DOUGLAS, CASTLE STREET + 1897 + + _For leave to act_, _apply to the publisher_ + + _All rights reserved_ + + * * * * * + + EDINBURGH: Printed by T. and A. CONSTABLE for + DAVID DOUGLAS + + LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL AND CO. + + + + +PART FIRST + + +I +MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS + + +AT the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts stands +looking out into the early nightfall. A heavy snow is driving without, +and from time to time the rush of the wind and the sweep of the flakes +against the panes are heard. At the sound of hurried steps in the +anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window, and runs to the _portière_, +through which she puts her head. + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Is that you, Edward? So dark here! We ought really to +keep the gas turned up all the time.’ + +MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without: ‘Yes, it’s I.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, hurry in to the fire, do! Ugh, what a storm! Do +you suppose anybody will come? You must be half frozen, you poor thing! +Come quick, or you’ll certainly perish!’ She flies from the _portière_ +to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a log, jumps back, +brushes from her dress with a light shriek the sparks driven out upon it, +and continues talking incessantly in a voice lifted for her husband to +hear in the anteroom. ‘If I’d dreamed it was any such storm as this, I +should never have let you go out in it in the world. It wasn’t at all +necessary to have the flowers. I could have got on perfectly well, and I +believe _now_ the table would look better without them. The +chrysanthemums would have been quite enough; and I know you’ve taken more +cold. I could tell it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as +quick as they’re gone to-night I’m going to have you bathe your feet in +mustard and hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed. +And I don’t want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be +sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won’t be of the least use.’ +She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the _portière_, +his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out of knot, and +his shirt front rumpled. ‘Why, Edward, what in the world is the matter? +What has happened?’ + +ROBERTS, sinking into a chair: ‘Get me a glass of water, +Agnes—wine—whisky—brandy—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about: ‘Yes, yes. But what—Bella! +Bridget! Maggy!—Oh, I’ll go for it myself, and I _won’t_ stop to listen! +Only—only don’t die!’ While Roberts remains with his eyes shut, and his +head sunk on his breast in token of extreme exhaustion, she disappears +and reappears through the door leading to her chamber, and then through +the _portière_ cutting off the dining-room. She finally descends upon +her husband with a flagon of cologne in one hand, a small decanter of +brandy in the other, and a wineglass held in the hollow of her arm +against her breast. She contrives to set the glass down on the mantel +and fill it from the flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her +hand, and while she presses the glass to her husband’s lips, begins to +pour the brandy on his head. ‘Here! this will revive you, and it’ll +refresh you to have this cologne on your head.’ + +ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter, and +springing to his feet: ‘Why, you’ve given me the cologne to _drink_, +Agnes! What are you about? Do you want to poison me? Isn’t it enough +to be robbed at six o’clock on the Common, without having your head +soaked in brandy, and your whole system scented up like a barber’s shop, +when you get home?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Robbed?’ She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter down +on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon of cologne in the +wood-box, abandons herself to justice: ‘Then let them come for me at +once, Edward! If I could have the heart to send you out in such a night +as this for a few wretched rosebuds, I’m quite equal to poisoning you. +Oh, Edward, _who_ robbed you?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘That’s what I don’t know.’ He continues to wipe his head with +his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to time. ‘All I know +is that when I got—phew!—to that dark spot by the Frog Pond, just +by—phew!—that little group of—phew!—evergreens, you know—phew!—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; go on! I can bear it, Edward.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘—a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on in the +other direction. I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my watch under the +lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped my hand to my +waistcoat, and—phew!—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Waistcoat! Yes!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘—found my watch gone.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘What! Your watch? The watch Willis gave you? Made out +of the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to California? +Don’t ask me to believe it, Edward! But I’m only too glad that you +escaped with your life. Let them have the watch and welcome. Oh, nay +dear, dear husband!’ She approaches him with extended arms, and then +suddenly arrests herself. ‘But you’ve got it on!’ + +ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his +dishevelled appearance: ‘Yes; I took it from him.’ At his wife’s +speechless astonishment: ‘I went after him and took it from him.’ He +sits down, and continues with resolute calm, while his wife remains +standing before him motionless: ‘Agnes, I don’t know how I came to do it. +I wouldn’t have believed I could do it. I’ve never thought that I had +much courage—physical courage; but when I felt my watch was gone, a sort +of frenzy came over me. I wasn’t hurt; and for the first time in my life +I realised what an abominable outrage theft was. The thought that at six +o’clock in the evening, in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an +inoffensive citizen could be assaulted and robbed, made me furious. I +didn’t call out. I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and +ran after the fellow.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Yes, I did. He hadn’t got half-a-dozen rods away—it all took +place in a flash—and I could easily run him down. He was considerably +larger than I—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘—and he looked young and very athletic; but these things didn’t +seem to make any impression on me.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale, Edward!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Well, I wonder a little at myself. I don’t set up for a great +deal of—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘But I always knew you had it! Go on. Oh, when I tell +Willis of this! Had the robber any accomplices? Were there many of +them?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I only saw one. And I saw that my only chance was to take him +at a disadvantage. I sprang upon him, and pulled him over on his back. +I merely said, “I’ll trouble you for that watch of mine, if you please,” +jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from his pocket—I broke the +chain, I see—and then left him and ran again. He didn’t make the +slightest resistance nor utter a word. Of course it wouldn’t do for him +to make any noise about it, and I dare say he was glad to get off so +easily.’ With affected nonchalance: ‘I’m pretty badly rumpled, I see. +He fell against me, and a scuffle like that doesn’t improve one’s +appearance.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly: ‘Edward! I don’t know what to say! Of +course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been through, +and to think what might have happened; but I think you behaved +splendidly. Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism! You needn’t +tell _me_ that he made no resistance. There was a deadly struggle—your +necktie and everything about you shows it. And you needn’t think there +was only one of them—’ + +ROBERTS, modestly: ‘I don’t believe there was more.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Nonsense! There are _always_ two! I’ve read the accounts +of those garottings. And to think you not only got out of their clutches +alive, but got your property back—Willis’s watch! Oh, what _will_ Willis +say? But I know how proud of you he’ll be. Oh, I wish I could scream it +from the house-tops. Why didn’t you call the police?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I didn’t think—I hadn’t time to think.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘No matter. I’m glad you have _all_ the glory of it. I +don’t believe you half realise what you’ve been through now. And perhaps +this was the robbers’ first attempt, and it will be a lesson to them. Oh +yes! I’m glad you let them escape, Edward. They may have families. If +every one behaved as you’ve done, there would soon be an end of +garotting. But, oh! I can’t bear to think of the danger you’ve run. +And I want you to promise me never, never to undertake such a thing +again!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Well, I don’t know—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; you must! Suppose you had got killed in that +awful struggle with those reckless wretches tugging to get away from you! +Think of the children! Why, you might have burst a blood-vessel! Will +you promise, Edward? Promise this instant, on your bended knees, just as +if you were in a court of justice!’ Mrs. Roberts’s excitement mounts, +and she flings herself at her husband’s feet, and pulls his face down to +hers with the arm she has thrown about his neck. ‘Will you promise?’ + + + +II +MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + +MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved: ‘Promise you what, Agnes? The man +doesn’t smoke _now_. What more can you ask?’ She starts back from the +spectacle of Roberts’s disordered dress. ‘Why, what’s happened to you, +Edward?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet: ‘Oh, you may well ask that, Aunt +Mary! Happened? You ought to fall down and worship him! And you _will_ +when you know what he’s been through. He’s been robbed!’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Robbed? What nonsense! Who robbed him? _Where_ was he +robbed?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘He was attacked by two garotters—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘No, no—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t speak, Edward! I _know_ there were two. On the +Common. Not half an hour ago. As he was going to get me some rosebuds. +In the midst of this terrible storm.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Is this true, Edward?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t answer, Edward! One of the band threw his arm round +Edward’s neck—so.’ She illustrates by garotting Mrs. Crashaw, who +disengages herself with difficulty. + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Mercy, child! What _are_ you doing to my lace?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as fast as +he could.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis’s watch? Why, he’s got it on.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight: ‘Exactly what I said when he told me.’ +Then, very solemnly: ‘And do you know _why_ he’s got it on?—’Sh, Edward! +I _will_ tell! Because he ran after them and took it back again.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Why, they might have killed him!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Of _course_ they might. But _Edward_ didn’t care. The +idea of being robbed at six o’clock on the Common made him so furious +that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or anything; but +he just ran after them—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Agnes! Agnes! There was only _one_.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Nonsense, Edward! How could you tell, so excited as you +were?—And caught hold of the largest of the wretches—a perfect young +giant—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘No, no; not a _giant_, my dear.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, he was _young_, anyway!—And flung him on the +ground.’ She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm. + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Don’t you fling _me_ on the ground, Agnes! I won’t have +it.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And tore his coat open, while all the rest were tugging at +him, and snatched his watch, and then—and then just walked coolly away.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, _ran_. It’s quite the same thing, and I’m just as +proud of you as if you had walked. Of course you were not going to throw +your life away.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think he did a very silly thing in going after them at +all.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Why, of course, if I’d thought twice about it, I shouldn’t have +done it.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Of course you wouldn’t, dear! And that’s what I want him +to promise, Aunt Mary: never to do it again, no matter _how_ much he’s +provoked. I want him to promise it right here in your presence, Aunt +Mary!’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think it’s much more important he should put on another +collar and—shirt, if he’s going to see company.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes; go right off at once, Edward. How you _do_ think of +things, Aunt Mary! I really suppose I should have gone on all night and +never noticed his looks. Run, Edward, and do it, dear. But—kiss me +first! Oh, it _don’t_ seem as if you could be alive and well after it +all! Are you sure you’re not hurt?’ + +ROBERTS, embracing her: ‘No; I’m all right.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And you’re not injured internally? Sometimes they’re +injured internally—aren’t they, Aunt Mary?—and it doesn’t show till +months afterwards. Are you sure?’ + +ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands: ‘Yes, I +think so.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And you don’t feel any bad effects from the cologne _now_? +Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to drink, and poured the brandy +on his head, when he came in! But I was determined to keep calm, +whatever I did. And if I’ve poisoned him I’m quite willing to die for +it—oh, quite! I would gladly take the blame of it before the whole +world.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Well, for pity’s sake, let the man go and make himself +decent. There’s your bell now.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, do go, Edward. But—kiss me—’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘He _did_ kiss you, Agnes. Don’t be a simpleton!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Did he? Well, kiss me again, then, Edward. And now do +go, dear. M-m-m-m.’ The inarticulate endearments represented by these +signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across the room, in +the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters. + + + +III +MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + +WILLIS, pausing in contemplation: ‘Hello! What’s the matter? What’s she +trying to get out of you, Roberts? Don’t you do it, anyway, old fellow.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction: ‘Willis! Oh, you’ve come in +time to see him just as he is. Look at him, Willis!’ In the excess of +her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with his arm fast in her +clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous effect of having just been +taken into custody. Under these circumstances Roberts’s attempt at an +expression of diffident heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks +guilty, and his eyes fall under the astonished regard of his +brother-in-law. + +WILLIS: ‘What’s the matter with him? What’s he been doing?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘’Sh, Edward! What’s he been doing? What does he look as +if he had been doing?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes—’ + +WILLIS: ‘He looks as if he had been signing the pledge. And he—smells +like it.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘For shame, Willis! I should think you’d sink through the +floor. Edward, not a word! I _am_ ashamed of him, if he _is_ my +brother.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Why, what in the world’s up, Agnes?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Up? He’s been _robbed_!—robbed on the Common, not five +minutes ago! A whole gang of garotters surrounded him under the Old +Elm—or just where it used to be—and took his watch away! And he ran +after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and took it back +again. He wasn’t hurt, but we’re afraid he’s been injured internally; he +may be bleeding internally _now_—Oh, do you think he is, Willis? Don’t +you think we ought to send for a physician?—That, and the cologne I gave +him to drink. It’s the brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so. +And he all so exhausted he couldn’t speak, and I didn’t know what I was +doing, either; but he’s promised—oh yes, he’s promised!—never, never to +do it again.’ She again flings her arms about her husband, and then +turns proudly to her brother. + +WILLIS: ‘Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Not in the least! But I’ve no doubt that Edward can +explain, after he’s changed his linen—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh yes, do go, Edward! Not but what I should be proud and +happy to have you appear just as you are before the whole world, if it +was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your absent-mindedness, +and his boasts about those California desperadoes of his.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Come, come, Agnes! I _must_ protest against your—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I know it doesn’t become me to praise your courage, +darling! But I should like to know what Willis would have done, with all +his California experience, if a garotter had taken his watch?’ + +WILLIS: ‘I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a quarter +himself for getting it cleaned and spoiled. Anybody but a literary man +would. How many of them were there, Roberts?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I only saw one.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘But of course there were more. How could he tell, in the +dark and excitement? And the one he did see was a perfect giant; so you +can imagine what the rest must have been like.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Did you really knock him down?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Knock him down? Of course he did.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, _will_ you hold your tongue, and let the men +alone?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering: ‘I can’t, Aunt Mary. And you couldn’t, if it +was yours.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I pulled him over backwards.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘There, Willis!’ + +WILLIS: ‘And grabbed your watch from him?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was +doing—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And he didn’t call for the police, or anything—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Ah, that showed presence of mind! He knew it wouldn’t have been +any use.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And when he had got his watch away from them, he just let +them go, because they had families dependent on them.’ + +WILLIS: ‘I should have let them go in the first place, but you behaved +handsomely in the end, Roberts; there’s no denying that. And when you +came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured brandy on your head. +It must have revived you. I should think it would wake the dead.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I was all excitement, Willis—’ + +WILLIS: ‘No, I should think from the fact that you had set the decanter +here on the hearth, and put your cologne into the wood-box, you were +perfectly calm, Agnes.’ He takes them up and hands them to her. ‘Quite +as calm as usual.’ The door-bell rings. + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis, _will_ you let that ridiculous man go away and +make himself presentable before people begin to come?’ The bell rings +violently, peal upon peal. + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, my goodness, what’s that? It’s the garotters—I know +it is; and we shall all be murdered in our beds!’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What in the world can it—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Why don’t your girl answer the bell, Agnes? Or I’ll go myself.’ +The bell rings violently again. + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_No_, Willis, you sha’n’t! Don’t leave me, Edward! Aunt +Mary!—Oh, if we _must_ die, let us all die together! Oh, my poor +children! Ugh! What’s that?’ The servant-maid opens the outer door, +and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing-room _portière_. + +BELLA THE MAID: ‘Oh, my goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it’s Mr. Bemis!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Which Mr. Bemis?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘What’s the matter with him?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Why doesn’t she show him in?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Has _he_ been garotting somebody too?’ + + + +SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + +BEMIS, appearing through the _portière_: ‘I—I beg your pardon, Mrs. +Roberts. I oughtn’t to present myself in this state—I— But I thought +I’d better stop on my way home and report, so that my son needn’t be +alarmed at my absence when he comes. I—’ He stops, exhausted, and +regards the others with a wild stare, while they stand taking note of his +disordered coat, his torn vest, and his tumbled hat. ‘I’ve just been +robbed—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Robbed? Why, _Edward_ has been robbed too.’ + +BEMIS: ‘—coming through the Common—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, _Edward_ was coming through the Common.’ + +BEMIS: ‘—of my watch—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: ‘Oh, and it was +Edward’s _watch_ they took!’ + +WILLIS: ‘It’s a parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of cologne to +drink, and rub his head with brandy. And you might let him sit down and +rest while you’re enjoying the excitement.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse: ‘Oh, what am I thinking of! Here, +Edward—or no, you’re too weak, you mustn’t. Willis, _you_ help me to +help him to the sofa.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think you’d better help him off with his overcoat and +his arctics.’ To the maid: ‘Here, Bella, if you haven’t quite taken +leave of your wits, undo his shoes.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘_I’ll_ help him off with his coat—’ + +BEMIS: ‘Careful! careful! I may be injured internally.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, if you only _were_, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could +persuade Edward that he was too: I _know_ he is. Edward, don’t exert +yourself! Aunt Mary, will you _stop_ him, or do you all wish to see me +go distracted here before your eyes?’ + +WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed: ‘Well, you +won’t have much trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for the +present.’ + +BEMIS: ‘They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket—’ + +WILLIS, looking at the vest: ‘I see. Pretty lively work. Were there +many of them?’ + +BEMIS: ‘There must have been two at least—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked Edward.’ + +BEMIS: ‘One of them pulled me violently over on my back—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward’s put _his_ arm round his neck and choked him.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I _know_ he did, Aunt Mary.’ + +BEMIS: ‘And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_Edward’s_—’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, I’m thoroughly ashamed of you. _Will_ you stop +interrupting?’ + +BEMIS: ‘And left me lying in the snow.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch away +again in spite of them all; and he didn’t call for the police, or +anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn’t bear to +think of their suffering families.’ + +BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment: ‘Who?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward. Didn’t I _say_ Edward, all the time?’ + +BEMIS: ‘I thought you meant me. I didn’t think of pursuing them; but you +may be very sure that if there had been a policeman within call—of course +there wasn’t one within cannon-shot—I should have handed the scoundrels +over without the slightest remorse.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Oh!’ He sinks into a chair with a slight groan. + +WILLIS: ‘What is it?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘’Sh! Don’t say anything. But—stay here. I want to speak with +you, Willis.’ + +BEMIS, with mounting wrath: ‘I should not have hesitated an instant to +give the rascal in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him—no matter +if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.’ + +ROBERTS, under his breath: ‘Gracious powers!’ + +BEMIS: ‘And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I can’t +help feeling that he made a great mistake in allowing the ruffians to +escape.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW, with severity: ‘I think you are quite right, Mr. Bemis.’ + +BEMIS: ‘Probably it was the same gang attacked us both. After escaping +from Mr. Roberts they fell upon me.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I haven’t a doubt of it.’ + +ROBERTS, _sotto voce_ to his brother-in-law: ‘I think I’ll ask you to go +with me to my room, Willis. Don’t alarm Agnes, please. I—I feel quite +faint.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen: ‘I can’t feel that Edward was to blame. +Ed—Oh, I suppose he’s gone off to make himself presentable. But +Willis—Where’s Willis, Aunt Mary?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Probably gone with him to help him.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, he _saw_ how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, I +think you’re quite prejudiced. How could Edward help their escaping? I +think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to get his watch back.’ +A ring at the door, and then a number of voices in the anteroom. ‘I do +believe they’re all there! I’ll just run out and prepare your son. He +would be dreadfully shocked if he came right in upon you.’ She runs into +the anteroom, and is heard without: ‘Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou dear! +_Oh_, Mr. Bemis! How can I ever tell you? Your poor father! No, no, I +_can’t_ tell you! You mustn’t ask me! It’s too hideous! And you +wouldn’t believe me if I did.’ + +_Chorus of anguished voices_: ‘What? what? what?’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘They’ve been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, _oh_, +Dr. Lawton, I’m so glad _you’ve_ come! They’re both injured internally, +but I _wish_ you’d look at Edward first.’ + +BEMIS: ‘Good heavens! Is that Mrs. Roberts’s idea of preparing my son? +And his poor young wife!’ He addresses his demand to Mrs. Crashaw, who +lifts the hands of impotent despair. + + + + +PART SECOND + + +MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL + + +IN Mr. Roberts’s dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered tragically +confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in either hand. + +WILLIS: ‘Well?’ + +ROBERTS, gasping: ‘My—my watch!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Yes. How comes there to be two of it?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Don’t you understand? When I went out I—didn’t take my +watch—with me. I left it here on my bureau.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Oh, merciful heavens! don’t you see? Then I couldn’t have been +robbed!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that didn’t +rob you, then?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘His own!’ He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair. ‘Yes; +I left my own watch here, and when that person brushed against me in the +Common, I missed it for the first time. I supposed he had robbed me, and +ran after him, and—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Robbed _him_!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Yes.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Ah, ha, ha, ha! I, hi, hi, hi! O, ho, ho, ho!’ He yields to a +series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and down, and stamping to +and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes the tears from his +cheeks. ‘Really, this thing will kill me. What are you going to do +about it, Roberts?’ + +ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity: ‘I don’t know, +Willis. Don’t you see that it must have been—that I must have robbed—Mr. +Bemis?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Bemis!’ After a moment for tasting the fact. ‘Why, so it was! +Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! And was poor old Bemis that burly ruffian? that +bloodthirsty gang of giants? that—that—oh, Lord! oh, Lord!’ He bows his +head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion, demanding, feebly, as he +gets breath for the successive questions, ‘What are you going to d-o-o-o? +What shall you s-a-a-a-y? How can you expla-a-ain it?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I can do nothing. I can say nothing. I can never explain it. +I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it; but think of the +absurdity—the ridicule!’ + +WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence: ‘Oh, it isn’t _that_ you’ve got to +think of. You’ve got to think of the old gentleman’s sense of injury and +outrage. Didn’t you hear what he said—that he would have handed over his +dearest friend, his own brother, to the police?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend, his +own brother, had intentionally robbed him. You can’t imagine, Willis—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, I can imagine a great many things. It’s all well enough for +you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a genuine case of +garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch go. He’s a very +pudgicky old gentleman.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘He is.’ + +WILLIS: ‘And I don’t see how you’re going to satisfy him that it was all +a joke. Joke? It _wasn’t_ a joke! It was a real assault and a _bona +fide_ robbery, and Bemis can prove it.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘But he would never insist—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, I don’t know about that. He’s pretty queer, Bemis is. You +can’t say what an old gentleman like that will or won’t do. If he should +choose to carry it into court—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Court!’ + +WILLIS: ‘It might be embarrassing. And anyway, it would have a very +strange look in the papers.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘The papers! Good gracious!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would forget +all about the acquittal, and say: “Roberts? Oh yes! Wasn’t he the one +they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old friend of his +on the Common!” You see, it wouldn’t do to go and make a clean breast of +it to Bemis.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I see.’ + +WILLIS: ‘What will you do?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I must never say anything to him about it. Just let it go.’ + +WILLIS: ‘And keep his watch? I don’t see how you could manage that. +What would you do with the watch? You might sell it, of course—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Oh no, I _couldn’t_ do that.’ + +WILLIS: ‘You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it got +him into trouble—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘No, no; that wouldn’t do, either.’ + +WILLIS: ‘And you can’t have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to find +it, sooner or later.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Yes.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Besides, there’s your conscience. Your conscience wouldn’t +_let_ you keep Bemis’s watch away from him. And if it would, what do you +suppose Agnes’s conscience would do when she came to find it out? Agnes +hasn’t got much of a head—the want of it seems to grow upon her; but +she’s got a conscience as big as the side of a house.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I see; I see.’ + +WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his pockets: +‘I tell you what, Roberts, you’re in a box.’ + +ROBERTS, abjectly: ‘I know it, Willis; I know it. What do you suggest? +You _must_ know some way out of it.’ + +WILLIS: ‘It isn’t a simple matter like telling them to start the elevator +down when they couldn’t start her up. I’ve got to think it over.’ He +walks to and fro, Roberts’s eyes helplessly following his movements. +‘How would it do to—No, that wouldn’t do, either.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘What wouldn’t?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Nothing. I was just thinking—I say, you might—Or, no, you +couldn’t.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Couldn’t what?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Nothing. But if you were to—No; up a stump that way too.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Which way? For mercy’s sake, my dear fellow, don’t seem to get +a clew if you haven’t it. It’s more than I can bear.’ He rises, and +desperately confronts Willis in his promenade. ‘If you see any hope at +all—’ + +WILLIS, stopping: ‘Why, if you were a different sort of fellow, Roberts, +the thing would be perfectly easy.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Very well, then. What sort of fellow do you want me to be? +I’ll be any sort of fellow you like.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, but you couldn’t! With that face of yours, and that +confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the whitest +lie that was ever told.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Do you wish me to lie? Very well, then, I will lie. What is +the lie?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Ah, now you’re talking like a man! I can soon think up a lie if +you’re game for it. Suppose it wasn’t so very white—say a delicate +blonde!’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I shouldn’t care if it were as black as the ace of spades.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Roberts, I honour you! It isn’t everybody who could steal an +old gentleman’s watch, and then be so ready to lie out of it. Well, you +_have_ got courage—both kinds—moral and physical.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Thank you, Willis. Of course I don’t pretend that I should be +willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the sake of Agnes +and the children—I don’t want any awkwardness about the matter; it would +be the death of me. Well, what do you wish me to say? Be quick; I don’t +believe I could hold out for a great while. I don’t suppose but what Mr. +Bemis would be reasonable, even if I—’ + +WILLIS: ‘I’m afraid we couldn’t trust him. The only way is for you to +take the bull by the horns.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Yes?’ + +WILLIS: ‘You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have to +wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I—I’m afraid I couldn’t manage that. What is your idea?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, and +say, in an offhand way, “By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a +remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on the +bureau. Ha, ha, ha!” Do you think you could do it?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I—I don’t know.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Try the laugh now.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I’d rather not—now.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, try it, anyway.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Ha, ha, ha!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Once more.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Ha, ha, ha!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I’ll try. And then what?’ + +WILLIS: ‘And then you say, “I hadn’t put it on when I went out, and when +I got after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting somebody +else’s watch!” Then you hold out both watches to her, and laugh again. +Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the watches, and you +make fun and crack jokes at your own expense all the time, and pretty +soon old Bemis says, “Why, this is _my_ watch, _now_!” and you laugh more +than ever—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I’m afraid I couldn’t laugh when he said that. I don’t believe +I could laugh. It would make my blood run cold.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh no, it wouldn’t. You’d be in the spirit of it by that time.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Do you think so? Well?’ + +WILLIS: ‘And then you say, “Well, this is the most remarkable coincidence +I ever heard of. I didn’t get my own watch from the fellow, but I got +yours, Mr. Bemis;” and then you hand it over to him and say, “Sorry I had +to break the chain in getting it from him,” and then everybody laughs +again, and—and that ends it.’ + +ROBERTS, with a profound sigh: ‘Do you think that would end it?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Why, certainly. It’ll put old Bemis in the wrong, don’t you +see? It’ll show that instead of letting the fellow escape to go and rob +_him_, you attacked him and took Bemis’s property back from him yourself. +Bemis wouldn’t have a word to say. All you’ve got to do is to keep up a +light, confident manner.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘But what if it shouldn’t put Bemis in the wrong? What if he +shouldn’t say or do anything that we’ve counted upon, but something +altogether different?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt yourself to +circumstances.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Wouldn’t it be rather more of a joke to come out with the facts +at once?’ + +WILLIS: ‘On you it would; and a year from now—say next Christmas—you +could get the laugh on Bemis that way. But if you were to risk it now, +there’s no telling how he’d take it. He’s so indignant he might insist +upon leaving the house. But with this plan of mine—’ + +ROBERTS, in despair: ‘I couldn’t, Willis. I don’t feel light, and I +don’t feel confident, and I couldn’t act it. If it were a simple lie—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of all your +ingenuity. If you want something simple, you must stick to the truth, +and throw yourself on Bemis’s mercy.’ + +ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress: ‘I can’t do it; I can’t +do it. It’s very kind of you to think it all out for me, but’—struck by +a sudden idea—‘Willis, why shouldn’t _you_ do it?’ + +WILLIS: ‘I?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘You are good at those things. You have so much _aplomb_, you +know. _You_ could carry it off, you know, first-rate.’ + +WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea: ‘Well, I don’t +know—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘And I could chime in on the laugh. I think I could do that if +somebody else was doing the rest.’ + +WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection: ‘I _should_ like to do it. +I should like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it on him. +Roberts, I _will_ do it. Not a word! I should _like_ to do it. Now you +go on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn’t mind me here. +I’ll be rehearsing.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside: ‘Edward, are you _never_ +coming?’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; I’ll be there in a minute, my dear.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Yes, he’ll be there. Run along back, and keep it going till we +come. Roberts, I wouldn’t take a thousand dollars for this chance.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I’m glad you like it.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Like it? Of course I do. Or no! Hold on! Wait! It won’t do! +No; you must take the leading part, and I’ll support you, and I’ll come +in strong if you break down. That’s the way we have got to work it. You +must make the start.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘Couldn’t you make it better, Willis? It’s your idea.’ + +WILLIS: ‘No; they’d be sure to suspect me, and they can’t suspect you of +anything—you’re so innocent. The illusion will be complete.’ + +ROBERTS, very doubtfully: ‘Do you think so?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Yes. Hurry up. Let me unbutton that collar for you.’ + + + + +PART THIRD + + +I +MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR. AND MRS. +BEMIS + + +MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her sofa Mr. +Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has apparently closed an +exhaustive recital of the events which have ended in his presence there. +She looks round with a mixed air of self-denial and self-satisfaction to +read the admiration of her listeners in their sympathetic countenances. + +DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: ‘Well, Mrs. +Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of hostesses. +Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but these little +dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way of appetizer, are +certainly unique. Last year an elevator stuck in the shaft with half the +company in it, and this year a highway robbery, its daring punishment and +its reckless repetition—what the newspapers will call “A Triple Mystery” +when it gets to them—and both victims among our commensals! Really, I +don’t know what more we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded +footpad himself as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become _de +rigueur_ in society generally, I don’t know what’s to become of people +who haven’t your invention.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, it’s all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; but if +you had been here when they first came in—’ + +YOUNG MRS. BEMIS: ‘Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If Mr. +Bemis—Alfred, I mean—and papa hadn’t been with me when you came out there +to prepare us, I don’t know what I should have done. I should certainly +have died, or gone through the floor.’ She looks fondly up into the face +of her husband for approval, where he stands behind her chair, and +furtively gives him her hand for pressure.’ + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: ‘Somebody ought to write to the Curwens—Mrs. Curwen, +that is—about it.’ + +MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand: ‘Oh yes, papa, _do_ write!’ + +LAWTON: ‘I will, my dear. Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in another +sphere—hemisphere—and surrounded by cardinals and all the other celestial +lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this new evidence of +American enterprise. I can fancy the effect she will produce with it.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And the Millers—what a shame they couldn’t come! How +excited they would have been!—that is, Mrs. Miller. Is their baby very +bad, Doctor?’ + +LAWTON: ‘Well, vaccination is always a very serious thing—with a first +child. I should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it, that +Miller wouldn’t be able to be out for a week to come yet.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!’ + +BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair: ‘Well, now that it’s all explained, +Mrs. Roberts, I think I’d better go home; and if you’ll kindly have them +telephone for a carriage—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_No_, indeed, Mr. Bemis! We shall not let you go. Why, +the _idea_! You must stay and take dinner with us, just the same.’ + +BEMIS: ‘But in this state—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, never mind the _state_. You look perfectly well; and +if you insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge against +Edward for not arresting him. Wait! We can put you in perfect order in +just a second.’ She flies out of the room, and then comes swooping back +with a needle and thread, a fresh white necktie, a handkerchief, and a +hair-brush. ‘There! I can’t let you go to Edward’s dressing-room, +because he’s there himself, and the children are in mine, and we’ve had +to put the new maid in the guest-chamber—you _are_ rather cramped in +flats, that’s true; that’s the worst of them—but if you don’t mind having +your toilet made in public, like the King of France—’ + +BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it: ‘Not the least; but—’ He laughs, +and drops back into his chair. + +MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie to +his wife, and dropping upon her knees before Mr. Bemis: ‘Now, Mrs. Lou, +you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh one, and, +_Mister_ Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I’ll have this torn +button-hole mended before you can think.’ She seizes it and begins to +sew vigorously upon it. + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman in the +country.’ + +LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet well +apart, in an attitude of easy admiration: ‘The Wounded Adonis, attended +by the Loves and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him: ‘I don’t see a great many Loves.’ + +LAWTON: ‘She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw. And after what you’ve just said!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Then why don’t you do something?’ + +LAWTON: ‘The Loves _never_ do anything—in frescoes. They stand round and +sympathise. Besides, we are waiting to administer an anæsthetic. But +what I admire in this subject even more than the activity of the Graces +is the serene dignity of the Adonis. I have seen my old friend in many +trying positions, but I never realised till now all the simpering +absurdity, the flattered silliness, the senile coquettishness, of which +his benign countenance was capable.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it’s nothing but—’ + +LAWTON: ‘Pure envy. I own it.’ + +BEMIS: ‘All right, Lawton. Wait till—’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and +springing to her feet, all in one: ‘There, have you finished, Mr. and +Mrs. Lou? Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it down from +his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have—’ + +LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: ‘A Gentleman of the Old School. +Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone. Rather +flattered, but—recognisable.’ + +BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety: ‘Go on, go on, Lawton. I can +understand your envy. I can pity it.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?’ + +BEMIS: ‘Yes, I could. I could give the garotter his liberty, and present +him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he could earn an +honest living for his family.’ + +LAWTON, compassionately: ‘You _are_ pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, I +think somebody ought to go for Roberts.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, innocently: ‘Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can be +keeping him?’ A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the door +with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs. Roberts, +over her shoulder: ‘That ridiculous great boy of mine says he can’t go to +sleep unless I come and kiss him good-night.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?—Roberts, or Campbell? But +I didn’t know they had gone to bed!’ + +MRS. BEMIS: ‘You are too bad, papa! You know it’s little Neddy.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing: ‘Oh, I don’t mind his nonsense, Lou. I’ll fetch +them both back with me.’ + +LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners at the +doors: ‘Now, friends, I have a revelation to make in Mrs. Roberts’s +absence. I have found out the garotter—the assassin.’ + +ALL THE OTHERS: ‘What!’ + +LAWTON: ‘He has been secured—’ + +MRS. CRASHAW, severely: ‘Well, I’m very glad of it.’ + +YOUNG BEMIS: ‘By the police?’ + +MRS. BEMIS, incredulously: ‘Papa!’ + +BEMIS: ‘But there were several of them. Have they all been arrested?’ + +LAWTON: ‘There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Where is he, then?’ + +LAWTON: ‘In this house.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friends—I shouldn’t +like to say _how_ old—but if you don’t instantly be serious, I—I’ll carry +my rheumatism to somebody else.’ + +LAWTON: ‘My _dear_ Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that +rheumatism of yours! I will be serious—I will be only too serious. The +garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.’ + +ALL, horror-struck: ‘Oh!’ + +LAWTON: ‘He went out without his watch. He thought he was robbed, but he +wasn’t. He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend Bemis here, and +took Bemis’s watch away, and brought it home for his own.’ + +YOUNG BEMIS: ‘Yes, but—’ + +MRS. BEMIS: ‘But, papa—’ + +BEMIS: ‘How do you know it? I can see how such a thing might happen, +but—how do you know it _did_?’ + +LAWTON: ‘I divined it.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Nonsense!’ + +LAWTON: ‘Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the _Advertiser_ +a year ago. It occurs annually—in the newspapers. And I’ll tell you +what, Mrs. Crashaw—Roberts found out his mistake as soon as he went to +his dressing-room; and that ingenious nephew of yours, who’s closeted +with him there, has been trying to put him up to something—to some game.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis has too much sense. He would know that Edward +couldn’t carry out any sort of game.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Well, then, he’s getting Roberts to let _him_ carry out the +game.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Edward couldn’t do that either.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Very well, then, just wait till they come back. Will you leave +me to deal with Campbell?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What are you going to do?’ + +YOUNG BEMIS: ‘You mustn’t forget that he got us out of the elevator, +sir.’ + +MRS. BEMIS: ‘We might have been there yet if it hadn’t been for him, +papa.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I shouldn’t want Willis mortified.’ + +BEMIS: ‘Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed. We’re fellow-sufferers in this +business.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me! I’ll spare their feelings. +Don’t be afraid. Ah, there they come! Now don’t say anything. I’ll +just step into the anteroom here.’ + + + +II +MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS + + +ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with his +guests: ‘Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary! You’ve heard of our +comical little coincidence—our—Mr. Bemis and my—’ He halts, confused, +and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who follows +hilariously. + +WILLIS: ‘Greatest joke on record! But I won’t spoil it for you, Roberts. +Go on!’ In a low voice to Roberts: ‘And don’t look so confoundedly down +in the mouth. They won’t think it’s a joke at all.’ + +ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness: ‘Yes, yes—such a joke! Well, you +see—you see—’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘See _what_, Edward? _Do_ get it out!’ + +WILLIS, jollily: ‘Ah, ha, ha!’ + +ROBERTS, lugubriously: ‘Ah, ha, ha!’ + +MRS. BEMIS: ‘How funny! Ha, ha, ha!’ + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: ‘Capital! capital!’ + +BEMIS: ‘Excellent!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die! Ah, ha, ha!’ + +ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis: ‘Where was I? I +can’t go on unless I know where I was.’ + +WILLIS, _sotto voce_ to Roberts: ‘You weren’t anywhere! For Heaven’s +sake, make a start!’ + +ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively: ‘Ha, ha, ha! I supposed all the +time, you know, that I had been robbed, and—and—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Go on! _go_ on!’ + +ROBERTS, whispering: ‘I can’t do it—’ + +WILLIS, whispering: ‘You’ve _got_ to! You’re the beaver that clomb the +tree. Laugh naturally, now!’ + +ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a laugh: +‘And then I ran after the man—’ He stops, and regards Mr. Bemis with a +ghastly stare. + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What is the matter with you, Edward? Are you sick?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Sick? No! Can’t you see that he can’t get over the joke of the +thing? It’s killing him.’ To Roberts: ‘Brace up, old man! You’re doing +it splendidly.’ + +ROBERTS, hopelessly: ‘And then the other man—the man that had robbed +me—the man that I had pursued—ugh!’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, it is too much for him. I shall have to tell it myself, I +see.’ + +ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself: ‘And so—so—this +man—man—ma—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Oh, good Lord—’ Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the anteroom +and confronts him. ‘Oh, the devil!’ + +LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him: ‘Which means that +you forgot I was coming.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Doctor, you read a man’s symptoms at a glance.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr. Campbell.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Why don’t you advertise, Doctor? Patients need only enclose a +lock of their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one dollar to pay +the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full directions for +treatment, by return mail. Seventh son of a seventh son.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Ah, don’t try to jest it away, my poor friend. This is one of +those obscure diseases of the heart—induration of the pericardium—which, +if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness above all things, and +desperate wickedness.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?’ + +LAWTON: ‘Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?’ + +WILLIS: ‘_I_ don’t know what you’re up to.’ He shrugs his shoulders and +walks up the room. + +LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of +Campbell: ‘_I_ don’t know what your little game is.’ They return +together, and stop, confronting each other. + +WILLIS: ‘But if you think I’m going to give myself away—’ + +LAWTON: ‘If you suppose I’m going to take you at your own figure—’ They +walk up the room together, and return as before. + +WILLIS: ‘Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?’ + +MRS. BEMIS, tittering: ‘Oh, I’m sure _I_ can’t tell.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine. Can’t you give me +some sort of clue?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted +anybody’s help.’ + +WILLIS, sighing: ‘Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan. Here I come to +join a company of friends at the fireside of a burgled brother-in-law, +and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.’ Suddenly, after a moment: +‘Oh, I understand. Why, I ought to have seen at once. But no +matter—it’s just as well. I’m sure that we shall hear Dr. Lawton +leniently, and make allowance for his well-known foible. Roberts is +bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr. Bemis is the father-in-law of +his daughter.’ + +MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay: ‘Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you mean?’ + +WILLIS: ‘Simply that the mystery is solved—the double garotter is +discovered. I’m sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to deal +harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who robbed Mr. +Roberts and Mr. Bemis. All that they ask is to have their watches back. +Go on, Doctor! How will that do, Aunt Mary, for a little flyer?’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!’ She +embraces him with joyous pride. + +ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously: ‘But, my dear Willis—’ + +WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to his +place: ‘We can’t let you talk now. I’ve no doubt you’ll be considerate, +and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor. Go on, Doctor! Free your +mind! Don’t be afraid of telling the whole truth! It will be better for +you in the end.’ He rubs his hands gleefully, and then thrusting the +points of them into his waistcoat pockets, stands beaming triumphantly +upon Lawton. + +LAWTON: ‘Do you think so?’ With well-affected trepidation ‘Well, +friends, if I must confess this—this—’ + +WILLIS: ‘High-handed outrage. Go on.’ + +LAWTON: ‘I suppose I must. I shall not expect mercy for myself; perhaps +you’ll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I don’t deserve it. +But I had an accomplice—a young man very respectably connected, and who, +whatever his previous life may have been, had managed to keep a good +reputation; a young man a little apt to be misled by overweening vanity +and the ill-advised flattery of his friends; but I hope that neither of +you gentlemen will be hard upon him, but will consider his youth, and +perhaps his congenital moral and intellectual deficiencies, even when you +find your watches—on Mr. Campbell’s person.’ He leans forward, rubbing +his hands, and smiling upon Campbell, ‘How will that do, Mr. Campbell, +for a flyer?’ + +WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: ‘One ahead, Aunt Mary?’ + +LAWTON, clasping him by the hand: ‘No, generous youth—even!’ They shake +hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and joining in +the general laugh. + +BEMIS, coming forward jovially: ‘Well, now, I gladly forgive you both—or +whoever _did_ rob me—if you’ll only give me back my watch.’ + +WILLIS: ‘_I_ haven’t got your watch.’ + +LAWTON: ‘Nor I.’ + +ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward: ‘I—I have it, +Mr. Bemis.’ He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and hands it to +Bemis. Then, visiting the other: ‘And what’s worse, I have my own. I +don’t know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for my +extraordinary behaviour. Willis thought you might finally see it as a +joke, and I’ve done my best to pass it off lightly—’ + +WILLIS: ‘And you succeeded. You had all the lightness of a sick +hippopotamus.’ + +ROBERTS: ‘I’m afraid so. I’ll have the chain mended, of course. But +when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing-table, and +when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and supposed I had +been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours—’ + +WILLIS: ‘Being a man of the most violent temper and the most desperate +courage—’ + +ROBERTS: ‘But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn’t hurt you seriously?’ + +BEMIS: ‘Not at all—not the least.’ Shaking him cordially by both hands: +‘I’m all right. Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with her skilful +needle; I’ve got on one of your best neckties, and this lace handkerchief +of your wife’s, which I’m going to keep for a souvenir of the most +extraordinary adventure of my life—’ + +LAWTON: ‘Oh, it’s an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts in +his character of _moral_ hero. He ‘done’ it with his little hatchet, but +he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right before he owned up.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, appearing: ‘Who, Willis?’ + +WILLIS: ‘A very great and good man—George Washington.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I thought you meant Edward.’ + +WILLIS: ‘Well, I don’t suppose there _is_ much difference.’ + +MRS. CRASHAW: ‘The robber has been caught, Agnes.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Caught? Nonsense! You don’t mean it! How can you trifle +with such a subject? I know you are joking! Who is it?’ + +YOUNG BEMIS: ‘You never could guess—’ + +MRS. BEMIS: ‘Never in the world!’ + +MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I don’t wish to. But oh, Mr. Bemis, I’ve just come from +my own children, and you must be merciful to his family!’ + +BEMIS: ‘For your sake, dear lady, I will.’ + +BELLA, between the _portières_: ‘Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.’ + +MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis’s arm: ‘Oh, then you +must go in with me, and tell me all about it.’ + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS*** + + +******* This file should be named 3237-0.txt or 3237-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/2/3237 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. 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Howells</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + p.gutindent { margin-left: 2em; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapmediumdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Garotters, by William D. Howells + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: The Garotters + + +Author: William D. Howells + + + +Release Date: September 24, 2014 [eBook #3237] +[This file was first posted on 5 February 2001] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David +Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/coverb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Book cover" +title= +"Book cover" + src="images/covers.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<h1>THE GAROTTERS</h1> +<p style="text-align: center"><span +class="GutSmall">BY</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center">WILLIAM D. HOWELLS</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/tpb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Decorative graphic" +title= +"Decorative graphic" + src="images/tps.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Author’s Edition</i></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">EDINBURGH<br /> +DAVID DOUGLAS, CASTLE STREET<br /> +1897</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>For leave to act</i>, <i>apply +to the publisher</i></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>All rights reserved</i></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span +class="smcap">Edinburgh</span>: Printed by T. and A. <span +class="smcap">Constable</span> for<br /> +<span class="smcap">David Douglas</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">London</span>: +<span class="smcap">Simpkin</span>, <span class="smcap">Marshall +and Co</span>.</p> +<h2>PART FIRST</h2> +<h3>I<br /> +MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the window of her apartment in +Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts stands looking out into the early +nightfall. A heavy snow is driving without, and from time +to time the rush of the wind and the sweep of the flakes against +the panes are heard. At the sound of hurried steps in the +anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window, and runs to the +<i>portière</i>, through which she puts her head.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Is that you, +Edward? So dark here! We ought really to keep the gas +turned up all the time.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Roberts</span>, in a muffled voice, +from without: ‘Yes, it’s I.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Well, hurry in +to the fire, do! Ugh, what a storm! Do you suppose +anybody will come? You must be half frozen, you poor +thing! Come quick, or you’ll certainly +perish!’ She flies from the <i>portière</i> to +the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a log, jumps +back, brushes from her dress with a light shriek the sparks +driven out upon it, and continues talking incessantly in a voice +lifted for her husband to hear in the anteroom. ‘If +I’d dreamed it was any such storm as this, I should never +have let you go out in it in the world. It wasn’t at +all necessary to have the flowers. I could have got on +perfectly well, and I believe <i>now</i> the table would look +better without them. The chrysanthemums would have been +quite enough; and I know you’ve taken more cold. I +could tell it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as +quick as they’re gone to-night I’m going to have you +bathe your feet in mustard and hot water, and take eight of +aconite, and go straight to bed. And I don’t want you +to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be sure not to +drink any coffee, or the aconite won’t be of the least +use.’ She turns and encounters her husband, who +enters through the <i>portière</i>, his face pale, his +eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out of knot, and his shirt +front rumpled. ‘Why, Edward, what in the world is the +matter? What has happened?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, sinking into a chair: +‘Get me a glass of water, +Agnes—wine—whisky—brandy—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, bustling wildly +about: ‘Yes, yes. But what—Bella! +Bridget! Maggy!—Oh, I’ll go for it myself, and +I <i>won’t</i> stop to listen! Only—only +don’t die!’ While Roberts remains with his eyes +shut, and his head sunk on his breast in token of extreme +exhaustion, she disappears and reappears through the door leading +to her chamber, and then through the <i>portière</i> +cutting off the dining-room. She finally descends upon her +husband with a flagon of cologne in one hand, a small decanter of +brandy in the other, and a wineglass held in the hollow of her +arm against her breast. She contrives to set the glass down +on the mantel and fill it from the flagon, then she turns with +the decanter in her hand, and while she presses the glass to her +husband’s lips, begins to pour the brandy on his +head. ‘Here! this will revive you, and it’ll +refresh you to have this cologne on your head.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, rejecting a mouthful of +the cologne with a furious sputter, and springing to his feet: +‘Why, you’ve given me the cologne to <i>drink</i>, +Agnes! What are you about? Do you want to poison +me? Isn’t it enough to be robbed at six o’clock +on the Common, without having your head soaked in brandy, and +your whole system scented up like a barber’s shop, when you +get home?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: +‘Robbed?’ She drops the wineglass, puts the +decanter down on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon +of cologne in the wood-box, abandons herself to justice: +‘Then let them come for me at once, Edward! If I +could have the heart to send you out in such a night as this for +a few wretched rosebuds, I’m quite equal to poisoning +you. Oh, Edward, <i>who</i> robbed you?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘That’s what I +don’t know.’ He continues to wipe his head with +his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to +time. ‘All I know is that when I +got—phew!—to that dark spot by the Frog Pond, just +by—phew!—that little group +of—phew!—evergreens, you +know—phew!—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, yes; go +on! I can bear it, Edward.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘—a man +brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on in the other +direction. I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my watch +under the lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped my +hand to my waistcoat, and—phew!—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: +‘Waistcoat! Yes!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘—found my +watch gone.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘What! +Your watch? The watch Willis gave you? Made out of +the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to +California? Don’t ask me to believe it, Edward! +But I’m only too glad that you escaped with your +life. Let them have the watch and welcome. Oh, nay +dear, dear husband!’ She approaches him with extended +arms, and then suddenly arrests herself. ‘But +you’ve got it on!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, with as much returning +dignity as can comport with his dishevelled appearance: +‘Yes; I took it from him.’ At his wife’s +speechless astonishment: ‘I went after him and took it from +him.’ He sits down, and continues with resolute calm, +while his wife remains standing before him motionless: +‘Agnes, I don’t know how I came to do it. I +wouldn’t have believed I could do it. I’ve +never thought that I had much courage—physical courage; but +when I felt my watch was gone, a sort of frenzy came over +me. I wasn’t hurt; and for the first time in my life +I realised what an abominable outrage theft was. The +thought that at six o’clock in the evening, in the very +heart of a great city like Boston, an inoffensive citizen could +be assaulted and robbed, made me furious. I didn’t +call out. I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and +turned and ran after the fellow.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: +‘Edward!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, I did. +He hadn’t got half-a-dozen rods away—it all took +place in a flash—and I could easily run him down. He +was considerably larger than I—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘—and he +looked young and very athletic; but these things didn’t +seem to make any impression on me.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, I wonder +that you live to tell the tale, Edward!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Well, I wonder a +little at myself. I don’t set up for a great deal +of—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘But I always +knew you had it! Go on. Oh, when I tell Willis of +this! Had the robber any accomplices? Were there many +of them?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I only saw +one. And I saw that my only chance was to take him at a +disadvantage. I sprang upon him, and pulled him over on his +back. I merely said, “I’ll trouble you for that +watch of mine, if you please,” jerked open his coat, +snatched the watch from his pocket—I broke the chain, I +see—and then left him and ran again. He didn’t +make the slightest resistance nor utter a word. Of course +it wouldn’t do for him to make any noise about it, and I +dare say he was glad to get off so easily.’ With +affected nonchalance: ‘I’m pretty badly rumpled, I +see. He fell against me, and a scuffle like that +doesn’t improve one’s appearance.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, very solemnly: +‘Edward! I don’t know what to say! Of +course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been +through, and to think what might have happened; but I think you +behaved splendidly. Why, I never heard of such perfect +heroism! You needn’t tell <i>me</i> that he made no +resistance. There was a deadly struggle—your necktie +and everything about you shows it. And you needn’t +think there was only one of them—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, modestly: ‘I +don’t believe there was more.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: +‘Nonsense! There are <i>always</i> two! +I’ve read the accounts of those garottings. And to +think you not only got out of their clutches alive, but got your +property back—Willis’s watch! Oh, what +<i>will</i> Willis say? But I know how proud of you +he’ll be. Oh, I wish I could scream it from the +house-tops. Why didn’t you call the +police?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I didn’t +think—I hadn’t time to think.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘No +matter. I’m glad you have <i>all</i> the glory of +it. I don’t believe you half realise what +you’ve been through now. And perhaps this was the +robbers’ first attempt, and it will be a lesson to +them. Oh yes! I’m glad you let them escape, +Edward. They may have families. If every one behaved +as you’ve done, there would soon be an end of +garotting. But, oh! I can’t bear to think of +the danger you’ve run. And I want you to promise me +never, never to undertake such a thing again!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Well, I don’t +know—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, yes; you +must! Suppose you had got killed in that awful struggle +with those reckless wretches tugging to get away from you! +Think of the children! Why, you might have burst a +blood-vessel! Will you promise, Edward? Promise this +instant, on your bended knees, just as if you were in a court of +justice!’ Mrs. Roberts’s excitement mounts, and +she flings herself at her husband’s feet, and pulls his +face down to hers with the arm she has thrown about his +neck. ‘Will you promise?’</p> +<h3>II<br /> +MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>, entering unobserved: +‘Promise you what, Agnes? The man doesn’t smoke +<i>now</i>. What more can you ask?’ She starts +back from the spectacle of Roberts’s disordered +dress. ‘Why, what’s happened to you, +Edward?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, springing to her +feet: ‘Oh, you may well ask that, Aunt Mary! +Happened? You ought to fall down and worship him! And +you <i>will</i> when you know what he’s been through. +He’s been robbed!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Robbed? +What nonsense! Who robbed him? <i>Where</i> was he +robbed?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘He was +attacked by two garotters—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘No, +no—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Don’t +speak, Edward! I <i>know</i> there were two. On the +Common. Not half an hour ago. As he was going to get +me some rosebuds. In the midst of this terrible +storm.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Is this true, +Edward?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Don’t +answer, Edward! One of the band threw his arm round +Edward’s neck—so.’ She illustrates by +garotting Mrs. Crashaw, who disengages herself with +difficulty.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Mercy, +child! What <i>are</i> you doing to my lace?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And the other +one snatched his watch, and ran as fast as he could.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Willis’s +watch? Why, he’s got it on.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, with proud delight: +‘Exactly what I said when he told me.’ Then, +very solemnly: ‘And do you know <i>why</i> he’s got +it on?—’Sh, Edward! I <i>will</i> tell! +Because he ran after them and took it back again.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Why, they +might have killed him!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Of +<i>course</i> they might. But <i>Edward</i> didn’t +care. The idea of being robbed at six o’clock on the +Common made him so furious that he scorned to cry out for help, +or call the police, or anything; but he just ran after +them—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Agnes! +Agnes! There was only <i>one</i>.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Nonsense, +Edward! How could you tell, so excited as you +were?—And caught hold of the largest of the +wretches—a perfect young giant—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘No, no; not a +<i>giant</i>, my dear.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Well, he was +<i>young</i>, anyway!—And flung him on the +ground.’ She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her +enthusiasm.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Don’t +you fling <i>me</i> on the ground, Agnes! I won’t +have it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And tore his +coat open, while all the rest were tugging at him, and snatched +his watch, and then—and then just walked coolly +away.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘No, my dear; I ran +as fast as I could.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Well, +<i>ran</i>. It’s quite the same thing, and I’m +just as proud of you as if you had walked. Of course you +were not going to throw your life away.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I think he did +a very silly thing in going after them at all.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Why, of course, if +I’d thought twice about it, I shouldn’t have done +it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Of course you +wouldn’t, dear! And that’s what I want him to +promise, Aunt Mary: never to do it again, no matter <i>how</i> +much he’s provoked. I want him to promise it right +here in your presence, Aunt Mary!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I think +it’s much more important he should put on another collar +and—shirt, if he’s going to see company.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Yes; go right +off at once, Edward. How you <i>do</i> think of things, +Aunt Mary! I really suppose I should have gone on all night +and never noticed his looks. Run, Edward, and do it, +dear. But—kiss me first! Oh, it +<i>don’t</i> seem as if you could be alive and well after +it all! Are you sure you’re not hurt?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, embracing her: ‘No; +I’m all right.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And +you’re not injured internally? Sometimes +they’re injured internally—aren’t they, Aunt +Mary?—and it doesn’t show till months +afterwards. Are you sure?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, making a cursory +examination of his ribs with his hands: ‘Yes, I think +so.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And you +don’t feel any bad effects from the cologne +<i>now</i>? Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to +drink, and poured the brandy on his head, when he came in! +But I was determined to keep calm, whatever I did. And if +I’ve poisoned him I’m quite willing to die for +it—oh, quite! I would gladly take the blame of it +before the whole world.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Well, for +pity’s sake, let the man go and make himself decent. +There’s your bell now.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, do go, +Edward. But—kiss me—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘He <i>did</i> +kiss you, Agnes. Don’t be a simpleton!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Did he? +Well, kiss me again, then, Edward. And now do go, +dear. M-m-m-m.’ The inarticulate endearments +represented by these signs terminate in a wild embrace, +protracted halfway across the room, in the height of which Mr. +Willis Campbell enters.</p> +<h3>III<br /> +MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, pausing in contemplation: +‘Hello! What’s the matter? What’s +she trying to get out of you, Roberts? Don’t you do +it, anyway, old fellow.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, in an ecstasy of +satisfaction: ‘Willis! Oh, you’ve come in time +to see him just as he is. Look at him, Willis!’ +In the excess of her emotion she twitches her husband about, and +with his arm fast in her clutch, presents him in the +disadvantageous effect of having just been taken into +custody. Under these circumstances Roberts’s attempt +at an expression of diffident heroism fails; he looks sneaking, +he looks guilty, and his eyes fall under the astonished regard of +his brother-in-law.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘What’s the +matter with him? What’s he been doing?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘’Sh, +Edward! What’s he been doing? What does he look +as if he had been doing?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: +‘Agnes—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘He looks as if he +had been signing the pledge. And he—smells like +it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘For shame, +Willis! I should think you’d sink through the +floor. Edward, not a word! I <i>am</i> ashamed of +him, if he <i>is</i> my brother.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Why, what in the +world’s up, Agnes?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Up? +He’s been <i>robbed</i>!—robbed on the Common, not +five minutes ago! A whole gang of garotters surrounded him +under the Old Elm—or just where it used to be—and +took his watch away! And he ran after them, and knocked the +largest of the gang down, and took it back again. He +wasn’t hurt, but we’re afraid he’s been injured +internally; he may be bleeding internally <i>now</i>—Oh, do +you think he is, Willis? Don’t you think we ought to +send for a physician?—That, and the cologne I gave him to +drink. It’s the brandy I poured on his head makes him +smell so. And he all so exhausted he couldn’t speak, +and I didn’t know what I was doing, either; but he’s +promised—oh yes, he’s promised!—never, never to +do it again.’ She again flings her arms about her +husband, and then turns proudly to her brother.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Do you know what it +means, Aunt Mary?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Not in the +least! But I’ve no doubt that Edward can explain, +after he’s changed his linen—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh yes, do go, +Edward! Not but what I should be proud and happy to have +you appear just as you are before the whole world, if it was only +to put Willis down with his jokes about your absent-mindedness, +and his boasts about those California desperadoes of +his.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Come, come, +Agnes! I <i>must</i> protest against your—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, I know it +doesn’t become me to praise your courage, darling! +But I should like to know what Willis would have done, with all +his California experience, if a garotter had taken his +watch?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘I should have let +him keep it, and pay five dollars a quarter himself for getting +it cleaned and spoiled. Anybody but a literary man +would. How many of them were there, Roberts?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I only saw +one.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘But of course +there were more. How could he tell, in the dark and +excitement? And the one he did see was a perfect giant; so +you can imagine what the rest must have been like.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Did you really knock +him down?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Knock him +down? Of course he did.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Agnes, +<i>will</i> you hold your tongue, and let the men +alone?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, whimpering: ‘I +can’t, Aunt Mary. And you couldn’t, if it was +yours.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I pulled him over +backwards.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘There, +Willis!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And grabbed your +watch from him?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I was in quite a +frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was doing—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And he +didn’t call for the police, or anything—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Ah, that showed +presence of mind! He knew it wouldn’t have been any +use.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And when he +had got his watch away from them, he just let them go, because +they had families dependent on them.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘I should have let +them go in the first place, but you behaved handsomely in the +end, Roberts; there’s no denying that. And when you +came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured brandy on your +head. It must have revived you. I should think it +would wake the dead.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘I was all +excitement, Willis—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘No, I should think +from the fact that you had set the decanter here on the hearth, +and put your cologne into the wood-box, you were perfectly calm, +Agnes.’ He takes them up and hands them to her. +‘Quite as calm as usual.’ The door-bell +rings.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Willis, +<i>will</i> you let that ridiculous man go away and make himself +presentable before people begin to come?’ The bell +rings violently, peal upon peal.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, my +goodness, what’s that? It’s the +garotters—I know it is; and we shall all be murdered in our +beds!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘What in the +world can it—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Why don’t your +girl answer the bell, Agnes? Or I’ll go +myself.’ The bell rings violently again.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘<i>No</i>, +Willis, you sha’n’t! Don’t leave me, +Edward! Aunt Mary!—Oh, if we <i>must</i> die, let us +all die together! Oh, my poor children! Ugh! +What’s that?’ The servant-maid opens the outer +door, and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing-room +<i>portière</i>.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bella the Maid</span>: ‘Oh, my +goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it’s Mr. Bemis!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Which Mr. +Bemis?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘What’s the +matter with him?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Why +doesn’t she show him in?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Has <i>he</i> been +garotting somebody too?’</p> +<h3>SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, appearing through the +<i>portière</i>: ‘I—I beg your pardon, Mrs. +Roberts. I oughtn’t to present myself in this +state—I— But I thought I’d better stop on +my way home and report, so that my son needn’t be alarmed +at my absence when he comes. I—’ He +stops, exhausted, and regards the others with a wild stare, while +they stand taking note of his disordered coat, his torn vest, and +his tumbled hat. ‘I’ve just been +robbed—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Robbed? +Why, <i>Edward</i> has been robbed too.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘—coming through +the Common—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, +<i>Edward</i> was coming through the Common.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘—of my +watch—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, in rapturous +admiration of the coincidence: ‘Oh, and it was +Edward’s <i>watch</i> they took!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘It’s a +parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of cologne to +drink, and rub his head with brandy. And you might let him +sit down and rest while you’re enjoying the +excitement.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, in hospitable +remorse: ‘Oh, what am I thinking of! Here, +Edward—or no, you’re too weak, you +mustn’t. Willis, <i>you</i> help me to help him to +the sofa.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I think +you’d better help him off with his overcoat and his +arctics.’ To the maid: ‘Here, Bella, if you +haven’t quite taken leave of your wits, undo his +shoes.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘<i>I’ll</i> +help him off with his coat—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Careful! +careful! I may be injured internally.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, if you +only <i>were</i>, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could persuade Edward that +he was too: I <i>know</i> he is. Edward, don’t exert +yourself! Aunt Mary, will you <i>stop</i> him, or do you +all wish to see me go distracted here before your +eyes?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, examining the overcoat +which Roberts has removed: ‘Well, you won’t have much +trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for the +present.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘They tore it open, +and tore my watch from my vest pocket—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, looking at the vest: +‘I see. Pretty lively work. Were there many of +them?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘There must have been +two at least—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘There were +half a dozen in the gang that attacked Edward.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘One of them pulled me +violently over on my back—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Edward’s +put <i>his</i> arm round his neck and choked him.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: +‘Agnes!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘I <i>know</i> +he did, Aunt Mary.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘And the other tore my +watch out of my pocket.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: +‘<i>Edward’s</i>—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Agnes, +I’m thoroughly ashamed of you. <i>Will</i> you stop +interrupting?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘And left me lying in +the snow.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And then he +ran after them, and snatched his watch away again in spite of +them all; and he didn’t call for the police, or anything, +because it was their first offence, and he couldn’t bear to +think of their suffering families.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, with a stare of profound +astonishment: ‘Who?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Edward. +Didn’t I <i>say</i> Edward, all the time?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘I thought you meant +me. I didn’t think of pursuing them; but you may be +very sure that if there had been a policeman within call—of +course there wasn’t one within cannon-shot—I should +have handed the scoundrels over without the slightest +remorse.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Oh!’ He +sinks into a chair with a slight groan.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘What is +it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘’Sh! +Don’t say anything. But—stay here. I want +to speak with you, Willis.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, with mounting wrath: +‘I should not have hesitated an instant to give the rascal +in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him—no matter +if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, under his breath: +‘Gracious powers!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘And while I am very +sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I can’t help feeling +that he made a great mistake in allowing the ruffians to +escape.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>, with severity: +‘I think you are quite right, Mr. Bemis.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Probably it was the +same gang attacked us both. After escaping from Mr. Roberts +they fell upon me.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I +haven’t a doubt of it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, <i>sotto voce</i> to his +brother-in-law: ‘I think I’ll ask you to go with me +to my room, Willis. Don’t alarm Agnes, please. +I—I feel quite faint.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, crestfallen: ‘I +can’t feel that Edward was to blame. Ed—Oh, I +suppose he’s gone off to make himself presentable. +But Willis—Where’s Willis, Aunt Mary?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Probably gone +with him to help him.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, he +<i>saw</i> how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, I think +you’re quite prejudiced. How could Edward help their +escaping? I think it was quite enough for him, +single-handed, to get his watch back.’ A ring at the +door, and then a number of voices in the anteroom. ‘I +do believe they’re all there! I’ll just run out +and prepare your son. He would be dreadfully shocked if he +came right in upon you.’ She runs into the anteroom, +and is heard without: ‘Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou +dear! <i>Oh</i>, Mr. Bemis! How can I ever tell +you? Your poor father! No, no, I <i>can’t</i> +tell you! You mustn’t ask me! It’s too +hideous! And you wouldn’t believe me if I +did.’</p> +<p><i>Chorus of anguished voices</i>: ‘What? what? +what?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘They’ve +been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, <i>oh</i>, +Dr. Lawton, I’m so glad <i>you’ve</i> come! +They’re both injured internally, but I <i>wish</i> +you’d look at Edward first.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Good heavens! +Is that Mrs. Roberts’s idea of preparing my son? And +his poor young wife!’ He addresses his demand to Mrs. +Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair.</p> +<h2>PART SECOND</h2> +<h3>MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> Mr. Roberts’s +dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered tragically +confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in either +hand.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, gasping: +‘My—my watch!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Yes. How comes +there to be two of it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Don’t you +understand? When I went out I—didn’t take my +watch—with me. I left it here on my +bureau.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, merciful +heavens! don’t you see? Then I couldn’t have +been robbed!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, but whose +watch did you take from the fellow that didn’t rob you, +then?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘His +own!’ He abandons himself powerlessly upon a +chair. ‘Yes; I left my own watch here, and when that +person brushed against me in the Common, I missed it for the +first time. I supposed he had robbed me, and ran after him, +and—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Robbed +<i>him</i>!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Yes.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Ah, ha, ha, +ha! I, hi, hi, hi! O, ho, ho, ho!’ He +yields to a series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and +down, and stamping to and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, +and wipes the tears from his cheeks. ‘Really, this +thing will kill me. What are you going to do about it, +Roberts?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, with profound dejection +and abysmal solemnity: ‘I don’t know, Willis. +Don’t you see that it must have been—that I must have +robbed—Mr. Bemis?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Bemis!’ +After a moment for tasting the fact. ‘Why, so it +was! Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! And was poor old Bemis that +burly ruffian? that bloodthirsty gang of giants? +that—that—oh, Lord! oh, Lord!’ He bows +his head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion, demanding, +feebly, as he gets breath for the successive questions, +‘What are you going to d-o-o-o? What shall you +s-a-a-a-y? How can you expla-a-ain it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I can do +nothing. I can say nothing. I can never explain +it. I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it; +but think of the absurdity—the ridicule!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, after a thoughtful silence: +‘Oh, it isn’t <i>that</i> you’ve got to think +of. You’ve got to think of the old gentleman’s +sense of injury and outrage. Didn’t you hear what he +said—that he would have handed over his dearest friend, his +own brother, to the police?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘But that was in the +supposition that his dearest friend, his own brother, had +intentionally robbed him. You can’t imagine, +Willis—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, I can imagine a +great many things. It’s all well enough for you to +say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a genuine case of +garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch go. +He’s a very pudgicky old gentleman.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘He is.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And I don’t +see how you’re going to satisfy him that it was all a +joke. Joke? It <i>wasn’t</i> a joke! It +was a real assault and a <i>bona fide</i> robbery, and Bemis can +prove it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘But he would never +insist—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, I don’t +know about that. He’s pretty queer, Bemis is. +You can’t say what an old gentleman like that will or +won’t do. If he should choose to carry it into +court—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Court!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘It might be +embarrassing. And anyway, it would have a very strange look +in the papers.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘The papers! +Good gracious!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Ten years from now a +man that heard you mentioned would forget all about the +acquittal, and say: “Roberts? Oh yes! +Wasn’t he the one they sent to the House of Correction for +garotting an old friend of his on the Common!” You +see, it wouldn’t do to go and make a clean breast of it to +Bemis.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I see.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘What will you +do?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I must never say +anything to him about it. Just let it go.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And keep his +watch? I don’t see how you could manage that. +What would you do with the watch? You might sell it, of +course—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Oh no, I +<i>couldn’t</i> do that.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘You might give it +away to some deserving person; but if it got him into +trouble—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘No, no; that +wouldn’t do, either.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And you can’t +have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to find it, sooner or +later.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Yes.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Besides, +there’s your conscience. Your conscience +wouldn’t <i>let</i> you keep Bemis’s watch away from +him. And if it would, what do you suppose Agnes’s +conscience would do when she came to find it out? Agnes +hasn’t got much of a head—the want of it seems to +grow upon her; but she’s got a conscience as big as the +side of a house.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, I see; I +see.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, coming up and standing over +him, with his hands in his pockets: ‘I tell you what, +Roberts, you’re in a box.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, abjectly: ‘I know +it, Willis; I know it. What do you suggest? You +<i>must</i> know some way out of it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘It isn’t a +simple matter like telling them to start the elevator down when +they couldn’t start her up. I’ve got to think +it over.’ He walks to and fro, Roberts’s eyes +helplessly following his movements. ‘How would it do +to—No, that wouldn’t do, either.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘What +wouldn’t?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Nothing. I was +just thinking—I say, you might—Or, no, you +couldn’t.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Couldn’t +what?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Nothing. But +if you were to—No; up a stump that way too.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Which way? +For mercy’s sake, my dear fellow, don’t seem to get a +clew if you haven’t it. It’s more than I can +bear.’ He rises, and desperately confronts Willis in +his promenade. ‘If you see any hope at +all—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, stopping: ‘Why, if +you were a different sort of fellow, Roberts, the thing would be +perfectly easy.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Very well, +then. What sort of fellow do you want me to be? +I’ll be any sort of fellow you like.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, but you +couldn’t! With that face of yours, and that +confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the +whitest lie that was ever told.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Do you wish me to +lie? Very well, then, I will lie. What is the +lie?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Ah, now you’re +talking like a man! I can soon think up a lie if +you’re game for it. Suppose it wasn’t so very +white—say a delicate blonde!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I shouldn’t +care if it were as black as the ace of spades.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Roberts, I honour +you! It isn’t everybody who could steal an old +gentleman’s watch, and then be so ready to lie out of +it. Well, you <i>have</i> got courage—both +kinds—moral and physical.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Thank you, +Willis. Of course I don’t pretend that I should be +willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the sake of +Agnes and the children—I don’t want any awkwardness +about the matter; it would be the death of me. Well, what +do you wish me to say? Be quick; I don’t believe I +could hold out for a great while. I don’t suppose but +what Mr. Bemis would be reasonable, even if I—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘I’m afraid we +couldn’t trust him. The only way is for you to take +the bull by the horns.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Yes?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘You will not only +have to lie, Roberts, but you will have to wear an air of +innocent candour at the same time.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I—I’m +afraid I couldn’t manage that. What is your +idea?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, just come into +the room with a laugh when we go back, and say, in an offhand +way, “By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a remarkable +discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on the +bureau. Ha, ha, ha!” Do you think you could do +it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I—I +don’t know.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Try the laugh +now.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I’d rather +not—now.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, try it, +anyway.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Ha, ha, +ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Once +more.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Ha, ha, +ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Pretty ghastly; but +I guess you can come it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I’ll +try. And then what?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And then you say, +“I hadn’t put it on when I went out, and when I got +after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting somebody +else’s watch!” Then you hold out both watches +to her, and laugh again. Everybody laughs, and crowds round +you to examine the watches, and you make fun and crack jokes at +your own expense all the time, and pretty soon old Bemis says, +“Why, this is <i>my</i> watch, <i>now</i>!” and you +laugh more than ever—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I’m afraid I +couldn’t laugh when he said that. I don’t +believe I could laugh. It would make my blood run +cold.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh no, it +wouldn’t. You’d be in the spirit of it by that +time.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Do you think +so? Well?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And then you say, +“Well, this is the most remarkable coincidence I ever heard +of. I didn’t get my own watch from the fellow, but I +got yours, Mr. Bemis;” and then you hand it over to him and +say, “Sorry I had to break the chain in getting it from +him,” and then everybody laughs again, and—and that +ends it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, with a profound sigh: +‘Do you think that would end it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Why, +certainly. It’ll put old Bemis in the wrong, +don’t you see? It’ll show that instead of +letting the fellow escape to go and rob <i>him</i>, you attacked +him and took Bemis’s property back from him yourself. +Bemis wouldn’t have a word to say. All you’ve +got to do is to keep up a light, confident manner.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘But what if it +shouldn’t put Bemis in the wrong? What if he +shouldn’t say or do anything that we’ve counted upon, +but something altogether different?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, then, you must +trust to inspiration, and adapt yourself to +circumstances.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Wouldn’t it +be rather more of a joke to come out with the facts at +once?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘On you it would; and +a year from now—say next Christmas—you could get the +laugh on Bemis that way. But if you were to risk it now, +there’s no telling how he’d take it. He’s +so indignant he might insist upon leaving the house. But +with this plan of mine—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, in despair: ‘I +couldn’t, Willis. I don’t feel light, and I +don’t feel confident, and I couldn’t act it. If +it were a simple lie—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, lies are never +simple; they require the exercise of all your ingenuity. If +you want something simple, you must stick to the truth, and throw +yourself on Bemis’s mercy.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, walking up and down in +great distress: ‘I can’t do it; I can’t do +it. It’s very kind of you to think it all out for me, +but’—struck by a sudden idea—‘Willis, why +shouldn’t <i>you</i> do it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘I?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘You are good at +those things. You have so much <i>aplomb</i>, you +know. <i>You</i> could carry it off, you know, +first-rate.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, as if finding a certain +fascination in the idea: ‘Well, I don’t +know—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘And I could chime +in on the laugh. I think I could do that if somebody else +was doing the rest.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, after a moment of silent +reflection: ‘I <i>should</i> like to do it. I should +like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it on +him. Roberts, I <i>will</i> do it. Not a word! +I should <i>like</i> to do it. Now you go on and hurry up +your toilet, old fellow; you needn’t mind me here. +I’ll be rehearsing.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, knocking at the door, +outside: ‘Edward, are you <i>never</i> coming?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Yes, yes; +I’ll be there in a minute, my dear.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Yes, he’ll be +there. Run along back, and keep it going till we +come. Roberts, I wouldn’t take a thousand dollars for +this chance.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I’m glad you +like it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Like it? Of +course I do. Or no! Hold on! Wait! It +won’t do! No; you must take the leading part, and +I’ll support you, and I’ll come in strong if you +break down. That’s the way we have got to work +it. You must make the start.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘Couldn’t you +make it better, Willis? It’s your idea.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘No; they’d be +sure to suspect me, and they can’t suspect you of +anything—you’re so innocent. The illusion will +be complete.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, very doubtfully: ‘Do +you think so?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Yes. Hurry +up. Let me unbutton that collar for you.’</p> +<h2>PART THIRD</h2> +<h3>I<br /> +MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR. AND +MRS. BEMIS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, surrounded by her +guests, and confronting from her sofa Mr. Bemis, who still +remains sunken in his armchair, has apparently closed an +exhaustive recital of the events which have ended in his presence +there. She looks round with a mixed air of self-denial and +self-satisfaction to read the admiration of her listeners in +their sympathetic countenances.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Lawton</span>, with an ironical sigh +of profound impression: ‘Well, Mrs. Roberts, you are +certainly the most lavishly hospitable of hostesses. Every +one knows what delightful dinners you give; but these little +dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way of +appetizer, are certainly unique. Last year an elevator +stuck in the shaft with half the company in it, and this year a +highway robbery, its daring punishment and its reckless +repetition—what the newspapers will call “A Triple +Mystery” when it gets to them—and both victims among +our commensals! Really, I don’t know what more we +could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded footpad himself +as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become <i>de +rigueur</i> in society generally, I don’t know what’s +to become of people who haven’t your invention.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, it’s +all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; but if you had been +here when they first came in—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘Yes, +indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If Mr. +Bemis—Alfred, I mean—and papa hadn’t been with +me when you came out there to prepare us, I don’t know what +I should have done. I should certainly have died, or gone +through the floor.’ She looks fondly up into the face +of her husband for approval, where he stands behind her chair, +and furtively gives him her hand for pressure.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Mr. Bemis</span>: ‘Somebody +ought to write to the Curwens—Mrs. Curwen, that +is—about it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>, taking away her hand: +‘Oh yes, papa, <i>do</i> write!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘I will, my +dear. Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in another +sphere—hemisphere—and surrounded by cardinals and all +the other celestial lights there at Rome, will be proud to +exploit this new evidence of American enterprise. I can +fancy the effect she will produce with it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘And the +Millers—what a shame they couldn’t come! How +excited they would have been!—that is, Mrs. Miller. +Is their baby very bad, Doctor?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Well, vaccination is +always a very serious thing—with a first child. I +should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it, that Miller +wouldn’t be able to be out for a week to come +yet.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, how +ridiculous you are, Doctor!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, rising feebly from his +chair: ‘Well, now that it’s all explained, Mrs. +Roberts, I think I’d better go home; and if you’ll +kindly have them telephone for a carriage—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘<i>No</i>, +indeed, Mr. Bemis! We shall not let you go. Why, the +<i>idea</i>! You must stay and take dinner with us, just +the same.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘But in this +state—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Oh, never mind +the <i>state</i>. You look perfectly well; and if you +insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge against +Edward for not arresting him. Wait! We can put you in +perfect order in just a second.’ She flies out of the +room, and then comes swooping back with a needle and thread, a +fresh white necktie, a handkerchief, and a hair-brush. +‘There! I can’t let you go to Edward’s +dressing-room, because he’s there himself, and the children +are in mine, and we’ve had to put the new maid in the +guest-chamber—you <i>are</i> rather cramped in flats, +that’s true; that’s the worst of them—but if +you don’t mind having your toilet made in public, like the +King of France—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, entering into the spirit of +it: ‘Not the least; but—’ He laughs, and +drops back into his chair.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, distributing the +brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie to his wife, and dropping +upon her knees before Mr. Bemis: ‘Now, Mrs. Lou, you just +whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh one, and, +<i>Mister</i> Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I’ll have +this torn button-hole mended before you can think.’ +She seizes it and begins to sew vigorously upon it.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Agnes, you are +the most ridiculously sensible woman in the country.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, standing before the group, +with his arms folded and his feet well apart, in an attitude of +easy admiration: ‘The Wounded Adonis, attended by the Loves +and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, looking around at +him: ‘I don’t see a great many Loves.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘She ignores us, Mrs. +Crashaw. And after what you’ve just said!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Then why +don’t you do something?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘The Loves +<i>never</i> do anything—in frescoes. They stand +round and sympathise. Besides, we are waiting to administer +an anæsthetic. But what I admire in this subject even +more than the activity of the Graces is the serene dignity of the +Adonis. I have seen my old friend in many trying positions, +but I never realised till now all the simpering absurdity, the +flattered silliness, the senile coquettishness, of which his +benign countenance was capable.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Don’t +mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it’s nothing +but—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Pure envy. I +own it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘All right, +Lawton. Wait till—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, making a final +stitch, snapping off the thread, and springing to her feet, all +in one: ‘There, have you finished, Mr. and Mrs. Lou? +Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it down from +his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you +have—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, as Mr. Bemis rises to his +feet: ‘A Gentleman of the Old School. Bemis, you look +like a miniature of yourself by Malbone. Rather flattered, +but—recognisable.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, with perfectly recovered +gaiety: ‘Go on, go on, Lawton. I can understand your +envy. I can pity it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Could you forgive +Roberts for not capturing the garotter?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Yes, I could. I +could give the garotter his liberty, and present him with an +admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he could earn an +honest living for his family.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, compassionately: ‘You +<i>are</i> pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, I think somebody +ought to go for Roberts.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, innocently: +‘Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can be keeping +him?’ A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to +the door with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper; and +then Mrs. Roberts, over her shoulder: ‘That ridiculous +great boy of mine says he can’t go to sleep unless I come +and kiss him good-night.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Which ridiculous +great boy, I wonder?—Roberts, or Campbell? But I +didn’t know they had gone to bed!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘You are too bad, +papa! You know it’s little Neddy.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, vanishing: ‘Oh, +I don’t mind his nonsense, Lou. I’ll fetch them +both back with me.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, after making a melodramatic +search for concealed listeners at the doors: ‘Now, friends, +I have a revelation to make in Mrs. Roberts’s +absence. I have found out the garotter—the +assassin.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">All the others</span>: +‘What!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘He has been +secured—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>, severely: +‘Well, I’m very glad of it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Bemis</span>: ‘By the +police?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>, incredulously: +‘Papa!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘But there were +several of them. Have they all been arrested?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘There was only one, +and none of him has been arrested.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Where is he, +then?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘In this +house.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Now, Dr. +Lawton, you and I are old friends—I shouldn’t like to +say <i>how</i> old—but if you don’t instantly be +serious, I—I’ll carry my rheumatism to somebody +else.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘My <i>dear</i> Mrs. +Crashaw, you know how much I prize that rheumatism of +yours! I will be serious—I will be only too +serious. The garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">All</span>, horror-struck: +‘Oh!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘He went out without +his watch. He thought he was robbed, but he +wasn’t. He ran after the supposed thief, our poor +friend Bemis here, and took Bemis’s watch away, and brought +it home for his own.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Bemis</span>: ‘Yes, +but—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘But, +papa—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘How do you know +it? I can see how such a thing might happen, but—how +do you know it <i>did</i>?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘I divined +it.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: +‘Nonsense!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Very well, then, I +read of just such a ease in the <i>Advertiser</i> a year +ago. It occurs annually—in the newspapers. And +I’ll tell you what, Mrs. Crashaw—Roberts found out +his mistake as soon as he went to his dressing-room; and that +ingenious nephew of yours, who’s closeted with him there, +has been trying to put him up to something—to some +game.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Willis has too +much sense. He would know that Edward couldn’t carry +out any sort of game.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Well, then, +he’s getting Roberts to let <i>him</i> carry out the +game.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Edward +couldn’t do that either.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Very well, then, +just wait till they come back. Will you leave me to deal +with Campbell?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘What are you +going to do?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Bemis</span>: ‘You +mustn’t forget that he got us out of the elevator, +sir.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘We might have +been there yet if it hadn’t been for him, papa.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I +shouldn’t want Willis mortified.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Nor Mr. Roberts +annoyed. We’re fellow-sufferers in this +business.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Oh, leave it to me, +leave it to me! I’ll spare their feelings. +Don’t be afraid. Ah, there they come! Now +don’t say anything. I’ll just step into the +anteroom here.’</p> +<h3>II<br /> +MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, entering the room before +Campbell, and shaking hands with his guests: ‘Ah, Mr. +Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary! You’ve heard of our +comical little coincidence—our—Mr. Bemis and +my—’ He halts, confused, and looks around for +the moral support of Willis, who follows hilariously.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Greatest joke on +record! But I won’t spoil it for you, Roberts. +Go on!’ In a low voice to Roberts: ‘And +don’t look so confoundedly down in the mouth. They +won’t think it’s a joke at all.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, with galvanic lightness: +‘Yes, yes—such a joke! Well, you see—you +see—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘See +<i>what</i>, Edward? <i>Do</i> get it out!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, jollily: ‘Ah, ha, +ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, lugubriously: ‘Ah, +ha, ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘How funny! +Ha, ha, ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Mr. Bemis</span>: ‘Capital! +capital!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Excellent!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Go on, Roberts, do! +or I shall die! Ah, ha, ha!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, in a low voice of +consternation to Willis: ‘Where was I? I can’t +go on unless I know where I was.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, <i>sotto voce</i> to +Roberts: ‘You weren’t anywhere! For +Heaven’s sake, make a start!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, to the others, +convulsively: ‘Ha, ha, ha! I supposed all the time, +you know, that I had been robbed, and—and—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Go on! <i>go</i> +on!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, whispering: ‘I +can’t do it—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, whispering: +‘You’ve <i>got</i> to! You’re the beaver +that clomb the tree. Laugh naturally, now!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, with a staccato groan, +which he tries to make pass for a laugh: ‘And then I ran +after the man—’ He stops, and regards Mr. Bemis with +a ghastly stare.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘What is the +matter with you, Edward? Are you sick?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Sick? +No! Can’t you see that he can’t get over the +joke of the thing? It’s killing him.’ To +Roberts: ‘Brace up, old man! You’re doing it +splendidly.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, hopelessly: ‘And +then the other man—the man that had robbed me—the man +that I had pursued—ugh!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, it is too much +for him. I shall have to tell it myself, I see.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, making a wild effort to +command himself: ‘And so—so—this +man—man—ma—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Oh, good +Lord—’ Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the +anteroom and confronts him. ‘Oh, the +devil!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, folding his arms, and +fixing his eyes upon him: ‘Which means that you forgot I +was coming.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Doctor, you read a +man’s symptoms at a glance.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Yes; and I can see +that you are in a bad way, Mr. Campbell.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Why don’t you +advertise, Doctor? Patients need only enclose a lock of +their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one dollar to pay +the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full directions +for treatment, by return mail. Seventh son of a seventh +son.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Ah, don’t try +to jest it away, my poor friend. This is one of those +obscure diseases of the heart—induration of the +pericardium—which, if not taken in time, result in +deceitfulness above all things, and desperate +wickedness.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Look here, Dr. +Lawton, what are you up to?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Look here, Mr. +Campbell, what is your little game?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘<i>I</i> don’t +know what you’re up to.’ He shrugs his +shoulders and walks up the room.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, shrugging his shoulders and +walking up the room abreast of Campbell: ‘<i>I</i> +don’t know what your little game is.’ They +return together, and stop, confronting each other.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘But if you think +I’m going to give myself away—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘If you suppose +I’m going to take you at your own +figure—’ They walk up the room together, and +return as before.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Mrs. Bemis, what is +this unnatural parent of yours after?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>, tittering: ‘Oh, +I’m sure <i>I</i> can’t tell.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Aunt Mary, you used +to be a friend of mine. Can’t you give me some sort +of clue?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘I should be +ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted anybody’s +help.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, sighing: ‘Well, this +is pretty hard on an orphan. Here I come to join a company +of friends at the fireside of a burgled brother-in-law, and I +find myself in a nest of conspirators.’ Suddenly, +after a moment: ‘Oh, I understand. Why, I ought to +have seen at once. But no matter—it’s just as +well. I’m sure that we shall hear Dr. Lawton +leniently, and make allowance for his well-known foible. +Roberts is bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr. Bemis is the +father-in-law of his daughter.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>, in serious dismay: +‘Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you mean?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Simply that the +mystery is solved—the double garotter is discovered. +I’m sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to deal +harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who +robbed Mr. Roberts and Mr. Bemis. All that they ask is to +have their watches back. Go on, Doctor! How will that +do, Aunt Mary, for a little flyer?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘Willis, I +declare I never saw anybody like you!’ She embraces +him with joyous pride.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, coming forward anxiously: +‘But, my dear Willis—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, clapping his hand over his +mouth, and leading him back to his place: ‘We can’t +let you talk now. I’ve no doubt you’ll be +considerate, and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor. Go +on, Doctor! Free your mind! Don’t be afraid of +telling the whole truth! It will be better for you in the +end.’ He rubs his hands gleefully, and then thrusting +the points of them into his waistcoat pockets, stands beaming +triumphantly upon Lawton.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Do you think +so?’ With well-affected trepidation ‘Well, +friends, if I must confess this—this—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘High-handed +outrage. Go on.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘I suppose I +must. I shall not expect mercy for myself; perhaps +you’ll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I +don’t deserve it. But I had an accomplice—a +young man very respectably connected, and who, whatever his +previous life may have been, had managed to keep a good +reputation; a young man a little apt to be misled by overweening +vanity and the ill-advised flattery of his friends; but I hope +that neither of you gentlemen will be hard upon him, but will +consider his youth, and perhaps his congenital moral and +intellectual deficiencies, even when you find your +watches—on Mr. Campbell’s person.’ He +leans forward, rubbing his hands, and smiling upon Campbell, +‘How will that do, Mr. Campbell, for a flyer?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: +‘One ahead, Aunt Mary?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>, clasping him by the hand: +‘No, generous youth—even!’ They shake +hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and +joining in the general laugh.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>, coming forward jovially: +‘Well, now, I gladly forgive you both—or whoever +<i>did</i> rob me—if you’ll only give me back my +watch.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘<i>I</i> +haven’t got your watch.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Nor I.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>, rather faintly, and coming +reluctantly forward: ‘I—I have it, Mr. +Bemis.’ He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and +hands it to Bemis. Then, visiting the other: ‘And +what’s worse, I have my own. I don’t know how I +can ever explain it, or atone to you for my extraordinary +behaviour. Willis thought you might finally see it as a +joke, and I’ve done my best to pass it off +lightly—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘And you +succeeded. You had all the lightness of a sick +hippopotamus.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘I’m afraid +so. I’ll have the chain mended, of course. But +when I went out this evening I left my watch on my +dressing-table, and when you struck against me in the Common I +missed it, and supposed I had been robbed, and I ran after you +and took yours—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Being a man of the +most violent temper and the most desperate +courage—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Roberts</span>: ‘But I hope, my dear +sir, that I didn’t hurt you seriously?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘Not at all—not +the least.’ Shaking him cordially by both hands: +‘I’m all right. Mrs. Roberts has healed all my +wounds with her skilful needle; I’ve got on one of your +best neckties, and this lace handkerchief of your wife’s, +which I’m going to keep for a souvenir of the most +extraordinary adventure of my life—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lawton</span>: ‘Oh, it’s an +old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, Aunt Mary, I +wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts in his character of +<i>moral</i> hero. He ‘done’ it with his little +hatchet, but he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right +before he owned up.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, appearing: +‘Who, Willis?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘A very great and +good man—George Washington.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘I thought you +meant Edward.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Willis</span>: ‘Well, I don’t +suppose there <i>is</i> much difference.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Crashaw</span>: ‘The robber has +been caught, Agnes.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘Caught? +Nonsense! You don’t mean it! How can you trifle +with such a subject? I know you are joking! Who is +it?’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Young Bemis</span>: ‘You never could +guess—’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bemis</span>: ‘Never in the +world!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>: ‘I don’t +wish to. But oh, Mr. Bemis, I’ve just come from my +own children, and you must be merciful to his family!’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bemis</span>: ‘For your sake, dear +lady, I will.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Bella</span>, between the +<i>portières</i>: ‘Dinner is ready, Mrs. +Roberts.’</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Roberts</span>, passing her hand +through Mr. Bemis’s arm: ‘Oh, then you must go in +with me, and tell me all about it.’</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 3237-h.htm or 3237-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/2/3237 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David +Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE GAROTTERS + +by William D. Howells + + + + +PART FIRST + + + + +SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS + + + +At the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts +stands looking out into the early nightfall. A heavy snow is +driving without, and from time to time the rush of the wind and the +sweep of the flakes against the panes are heard. At the sound of +hurried steps in the anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window, +and runs to the portiere, through which she puts her head. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Is that you, Edward? So dark here! We ought really +to keep the gas turned up all the time.' + +MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without: 'Yes, it's I.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, hurry in to the fire, do! Ugh, what a storm! +Do you suppose anybody will come? You must be half frozen, you poor +thing! Come quick, or you'll certainly perish!' She flies from the +portiere to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a +log, jumps back, brushes from her dress with a light shriek the +sparks driven out upon it, and continues talking incessantly in a +voice lifted for her husband to hear in the anteroom. 'If I'd +dreamed it was any such storm as this, I should never have let you +go out in it in the world. It wasn't at all necessary to have the +flowers. I could have got on perfectly well, and I believe NOW the +table would look better without them. The chrysanthemums would have +been quite enough; and I know you've taken more cold. I could tell +it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as quick as they're +gone to-night I'm going to have you bathe your feet in mustard and +hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed. And I +don't want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be +sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won't be of the least +use.' She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the +portiere, his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out +of knot, and his shirt front rumpled. 'Why, Edward, what in the +world is the matter? What has happened?' + +ROBERTS, sinking into a chair: 'Get me a glass of water, Agnes-- +wine--whisky--brandy--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about: 'Yes, yes. But what--Bella! +Bridget! Maggy!--Oh, I'll go for it myself, and I WON'T stop to +listen! Only--only don't die!' While Roberts remains with his eyes +shut, and his head sunk on his breast in token of extreme +exhaustion, she disappears and reappears through the door leading to +her chamber, and then through the portiere cutting off the dining- +room. She finally descends upon her husband with a flagon of +cologne in one hand, a small decanter of brandy in the other, and a +wineglass held in the hollow of her arm against her breast. She +contrives to set the glass down on the mantel and fill it from the +flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her hand, and while she +presses the glass to her husband's lips, begins to pour the brandy +on his head. 'Here! this will revive you, and it'll refresh you to +have this cologne on your head.' + +ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter, +and springing to his feet: 'Why, you've given me the cologne to +DRINK, Agnes! What are you about? Do you want to poison me? Isn't +it enough to be robbed at six o'clock on the Common, without having +your head soaked in brandy, and your whole system scented up like a +barber's shop, when you get home?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed?' She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter +down on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon of cologne in +the wood-box, abandons herself to justice: 'Then let them come for +me at once, Edward! If I could have the heart to send you out in +such a night as this for a few wretched rosebuds, I'm quite equal to +poisoning you. Oh, Edward, WHO robbed you?' + +ROBERTS: 'That's what I don't know.' He continues to wipe his head +with his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to time. +'All I know is that when I got--phew!--to that dark spot by the Frog +Pond, just by--phew!--that little group of--phew!--evergreens, you +know--phew!--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; go on! I can bear it, Edward.' + +ROBERTS: '--a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on +in the other direction. I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my +watch under the lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped +my hand to my waistcoat, and--phew!--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Waistcoat! Yes!' + +ROBERTS: '--found my watch gone.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'What! Your watch? The watch Willis gave you? Made +out of the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to +California? Don't ask me to believe it, Edward! But I'm only too +glad that you escaped with your life. Let them have the watch and +welcome. Oh, nay dear, dear husband!' She approaches him with +extended arms, and then suddenly arrests herself. 'But you've got +it on!' + +ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his +dishevelled appearance: 'Yes; I took it from him.' At his wife's +speechless astonishment: 'I went after him and took it from him.' +He sits down, and continues with resolute calm, while his wife +remains standing before him motionless: 'Agnes, I don't know how I +came to do it. I wouldn't have believed I could do it. I've never +thought that I had much courage--physical courage; but when I felt +my watch was gone, a sort of frenzy came over me. I wasn't hurt; +and for the first time in my life I realised what an abominable +outrage theft was. The thought that at six o'clock in the evening, +in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an inoffensive +citizen could be assaulted and robbed, made me furious. I didn't +call out. I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and +ran after the fellow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward!' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes, I did. He hadn't got half-a-dozen rods away--it all +took place in a flash--and I could easily run him down. He was +considerably larger than I--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh!' + +ROBERTS: '--and he looked young and very athletic; but these things +didn't seem to make any impression on me.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale, +Edward!' + +ROBERTS: 'Well, I wonder a little at myself. I don't set up for a +great deal of--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'But I always knew you had it! Go on. Oh, when I +tell Willis of this! Had the robber any accomplices? Were there +many of them?' + +ROBERTS: 'I only saw one. And I saw that my only chance was to +take him at a disadvantage. I sprang upon him, and pulled him over +on his back. I merely said, "I'll trouble you for that watch of +mine, if you please," jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from +his pocket--I broke the chain, I see--and then left him and ran +again. He didn't make the slightest resistance nor utter a word. +Of course it wouldn't do for him to make any noise about it, and I +dare say he was glad to get off so easily.' With affected +nonchalance: 'I'm pretty badly rumpled, I see. He fell against me, +and a scuffle like that doesn't improve one's appearance.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly: 'Edward! I don't know what to say! +Of course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been +through, and to think what might have happened; but I think you +behaved splendidly. Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism! +You needn't tell ME that he made no resistance. There was a deadly +struggle--your necktie and everything about you shows it. And you +needn't think there was only one of them--' + +ROBERTS, modestly: 'I don't believe there was more.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense! There are ALWAYS two! I've read the +accounts of those garottings. And to think you not only got out of +their clutches alive, but got your property back--Willis's watch! +Oh, what WILL Willis say? But I know how proud of you he'll be. +Oh, I wish I could scream it from the house-tops. Why didn't you +call the police?' + +ROBERTS: 'I didn't think--I hadn't time to think.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'No matter. I'm glad you have ALL the glory of it. +I don't believe you half realise what you've been through now. And +perhaps this was the robbers' first attempt, and it will be a lesson +to them. Oh yes! I'm glad you let them escape, Edward. They may +have families. If every one behaved as you've done, there would +soon be an end of garotting. But, oh! I can't bear to think of the +danger you've run. And I want you to promise me never, never to +undertake such a thing again!' + +ROBERTS: 'Well, I don't know--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; you must! Suppose you had got killed in +that awful struggle with those reckless wretches tugging to get away +from you! Think of the children! Why, you might have burst a +blood-vessel! Will you promise, Edward? Promise this instant, on +your bended knees, just as if you were in a court of justice!' Mrs. +Roberts's excitement mounts, and she flings herself at her husband's +feet, and pulls his face down to hers with the arm she has thrown +about his neck. 'Will you promise?' + + + +SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved: 'Promise you what, Agnes? The +man doesn't smoke NOW. What more can you ask?' She starts back +from the spectacle of Roberts's disordered dress. 'Why, what's +happened to you, Edward?' + +MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet: 'Oh, you may well ask that, +Aunt Mary! Happened? You ought to fall down and worship him! And +you WILL when you know what he's been through. He's been robbed!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Robbed? What nonsense! Who robbed him? WHERE was +he robbed?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'He was attacked by two garotters--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't speak, Edward! I KNOW there were two. On the +Common. Not half an hour ago. As he was going to get me some +rosebuds. In the midst of this terrible storm.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Is this true, Edward?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't answer, Edward! One of the band threw his arm +round Edward's neck--so.' She illustrates by garotting Mrs. +Crashaw, who disengages herself with difficulty. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Mercy, child! What ARE you doing to my lace?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as +fast as he could.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis's watch? Why, he's got it on.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight: 'Exactly what I said when he told +me.' Then, very solemnly: 'And do you know WHY he's got it on?-- +'Sh, Edward! I WILL tell! Because he ran after them and took it +back again.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why, they might have killed him!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of COURSE they might. But EDWARD didn't care. The +idea of being robbed at six o'clock on the Common made him so +furious that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or +anything; but he just ran after them--' + +ROBERTS: 'Agnes! Agnes! There was only ONE.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense, Edward! How could you tell, so excited as +you were?--And caught hold of the largest of the wretches--a perfect +young giant--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no; not a GIANT, my dear.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, he was YOUNG, anyway!--And flung him on the +ground.' She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Don't you fling ME on the ground, Agnes! I won't +have it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And tore his coat open, while all the rest were +tugging at him, and snatched his watch, and then--and then just +walked coolly away.' + +ROBERTS: 'No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, RAN. It's quite the same thing, and I'm just +as proud of you as if you had walked. Of course you were not going +to throw your life away.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think he did a very silly thing in going after +them at all.' + +ROBERTS: 'Why, of course, if I'd thought twice about it, I +shouldn't have done it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of course you wouldn't, dear! And that's what I +want him to promise, Aunt Mary: never to do it again, no matter HOW +much he's provoked. I want him to promise it right here in your +presence, Aunt Mary!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think it's much more important he should put on +another collar and--shirt, if he's going to see company.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes; go right off at once, Edward. How you DO think +of things, Aunt Mary! I really suppose I should have gone on all +night and never noticed his looks. Run, Edward, and do it, dear. +But--kiss me first! Oh, it DON'T seem as if you could be alive and +well after it all! Are you sure you're not hurt?' + +ROBERTS, embracing her: 'No; I'm all right.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you're not injured internally? Sometimes +they're injured internally--aren't they, Aunt Mary?--and it doesn't +show till months afterwards. Are you sure?' + +ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands: +'Yes, I think so.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you don't feel any bad effects from the cologne +NOW? Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to drink, and poured +the brandy on his head, when he came in! But I was determined to +keep calm, whatever I did. And if I've poisoned him I'm quite +willing to die for it--oh, quite! I would gladly take the blame of +it before the whole world.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Well, for pity's sake, let the man go and make +himself decent. There's your bell now.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, do go, Edward. But--kiss me--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'He DID kiss you, Agnes. Don't be a simpleton!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Did he? Well, kiss me again, then, Edward. And now +do go, dear. M-m-m-m.' The inarticulate endearments represented by +these signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across +the room, in the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters. + + + +SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +WILLIS, pausing in contemplation: 'Hello! What's the matter? +What's she trying to get out of you, Roberts? Don't you do it, +anyway, old fellow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction: 'Willis! Oh, you've +come in time to see him just as he is. Look at him, Willis!' In +the excess of her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with +his arm fast in her clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous +effect of having just been taken into custody. Under these +circumstances Roberts's attempt at an expression of diffident +heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks guilty, and his eyes fall +under the astonished regard of his brother-in-law. + +WILLIS: 'What's the matter with him? What's he been doing?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: ''Sh, Edward! What's he been doing? What does he +look as if he had been doing?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes--' + +WILLIS: 'He looks as if he had been signing the pledge. And he-- +smells like it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'For shame, Willis! I should think you'd sink +through the floor. Edward, not a word! I AM ashamed of him, if he +IS my brother.' + +WILLIS: 'Why, what in the world's up, Agnes?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Up? He's been ROBBED!--robbed on the Common, not +five minutes ago! A whole gang of garotters surrounded him under +the Old Elm--or just where it used to be--and took his watch away! +And he ran after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and +took it back again. He wasn't hurt, but we're afraid he's been +injured internally; he may be bleeding internally NOW--Oh, do you +think he is, Willis? Don't you think we ought to send for a +physician?--That, and the cologne I gave him to drink. It's the +brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so. And he all so +exhausted he couldn't speak, and I didn't know what I was doing, +either; but he's promised--oh yes, he's promised!--never, never to +do it again.' She again flings her arms about her husband, and then +turns proudly to her brother. + +WILLIS: 'Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Not in the least! But I've no doubt that Edward can +explain, after he's changed his linen--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh yes, do go, Edward! Not but what I should be +proud and happy to have you appear just as you are before the whole +world, if it was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your +absent-mindedness, and his boasts about those California desperadoes +of his.' + +ROBERTS: 'Come, come, Agnes! I MUST protest against your--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I know it doesn't become me to praise your +courage, darling! But I should like to know what Willis would have +done, with all his California experience, if a garotter had taken +his watch?' + +WILLIS: 'I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a +quarter himself for getting it cleaned and spoiled. Anybody but a +literary man would. How many of them were there, Roberts?' + +ROBERTS: 'I only saw one.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'But of course there were more. How could he tell, +in the dark and excitement? And the one he did see was a perfect +giant; so you can imagine what the rest must have been like.' + +WILLIS: 'Did you really knock him down?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Knock him down? Of course he did.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, WILL you hold your tongue, and let the men +alone?' + +MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering: 'I can't, Aunt Mary. And you couldn't, +if it was yours.' + +ROBERTS: 'I pulled him over backwards.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'There, Willis!' + +WILLIS: 'And grabbed your watch from him?' + +ROBERTS: 'I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was +doing--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And he didn't call for the police, or anything--' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, that showed presence of mind! He knew it wouldn't +have been any use.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And when he had got his watch away from them, he +just let them go, because they had families dependent on them.' + +WILLIS: 'I should have let them go in the first place, but you +behaved handsomely in the end, Roberts; there's no denying that. +And when you came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured +brandy on your head. It must have revived you. I should think it +would wake the dead.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I was all excitement, Willis--' + +WILLIS: 'No, I should think from the fact that you had set the +decanter here on the hearth, and put your cologne into the wood-box, +you were perfectly calm, Agnes.' He takes them up and hands them to +her. 'Quite as calm as usual.' The door-bell rings. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, WILL you let that ridiculous man go away and +make himself presentable before people begin to come?' The bell +rings violently, peal upon peal. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, my goodness, what's that? It's the garotters--I +know it is; and we shall all be murdered in our beds!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What in the world can it--' + +WILLIS: 'Why don't your girl answer the bell, Agnes? Or I'll go +myself.' The bell rings violently again. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, Willis, you sha'n't! Don't leave me, Edward! +Aunt Mary!--Oh, if we MUST die, let us all die together! Oh, my +poor children! Ugh! What's that?' The servant-maid opens the +outer door, and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing- +room portiere. + +BELLA THE MAID: 'Oh, my goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it's Mr. Bemis!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Which Mr. Bemis?' + +ROBERTS: 'What's the matter with him?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why doesn't she show him in?' + +WILLIS: 'Has HE been garotting somebody too?' + + + +SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +BEMIS, appearing through the portiere: 'I--I beg your pardon, Mrs. +Roberts. I oughtn't to present myself in this state--I-- But I +thought I'd better stop on my way home and report, so that my son +needn't be alarmed at my absence when he comes. I--' He stops, +exhausted, and regards the others with a wild stare, while they +stand taking note of his disordered coat, his torn vest, and his +tumbled hat. 'I've just been robbed--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed? Why, EDWARD has been robbed too.' + +BEMIS: '--coming through the Common--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, EDWARD was coming through the Common.' + +BEMIS: '--of my watch--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: 'Oh, and +it was Edward's WATCH they took!' + +WILLIS: 'It's a parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of +cologne to drink, and rub his head with brandy. And you might let +him sit down and rest while you're enjoying the excitement.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse: 'Oh, what am I thinking of! +Here, Edward--or no, you're too weak, you mustn't. Willis, YOU help +me to help him to the sofa.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think you'd better help him off with his overcoat +and his arctics.' To the maid: 'Here, Bella, if you haven't quite +taken leave of your wits, undo his shoes.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'LL help him off with his coat--' + +BEMIS: 'Careful! careful! I may be injured internally.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, if you only WERE, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could +persuade Edward that he was too: I KNOW he is. Edward, don't exert +yourself! Aunt Mary, will you STOP him, or do you all wish to see +me go distracted here before your eyes?' + +WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed: 'Well, +you won't have much trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for +the present.' + +BEMIS: 'They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket--' + +WILLIS, looking at the vest: 'I see. Pretty lively work. Were +there many of them?' + +BEMIS: 'There must have been two at least--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked +Edward.' + +BEMIS: 'One of them pulled me violently over on my back--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward's put HIS arm round his neck and choked him.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I KNOW he did, Aunt Mary.' + +BEMIS: 'And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'EDWARD'S--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, I'm thoroughly ashamed of you. WILL you stop +interrupting?' + +BEMIS: 'And left me lying in the snow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch +away again in spite of them all; and he didn't call for the police, +or anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn't +bear to think of their suffering families.' + +BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment: 'Who?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward. Didn't I SAY Edward, all the time?' + +BEMIS: 'I thought you meant me. I didn't think of pursuing them; +but you may be very sure that if there had been a policeman within +call--of course there wasn't one within cannon-shot--I should have +handed the scoundrels over without the slightest remorse.' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh!' He sinks into a chair with a slight groan. + +WILLIS: 'What is it?' + +ROBERTS: ''Sh! Don't say anything. But--stay here. I want to +speak with you, Willis.' + +BEMIS, with mounting wrath: 'I should not have hesitated an instant +to give the rascal in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him-- +no matter if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.' + +ROBERTS, under his breath: 'Gracious powers!' + +BEMIS: 'And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I +can't help feeling that he made a great mistake in allowing the +ruffians to escape.' + +MRS. CRASHAW, with severity: 'I think you are quite right, Mr. +Bemis.' + +BEMIS: 'Probably it was the same gang attacked us both. After +escaping from Mr. Roberts they fell upon me.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I haven't a doubt of it.' + +ROBERTS, sotto voce to his brother-in-law: 'I think I'll ask you to +go with me to my room, Willis. Don't alarm Agnes, please. I--I +feel quite faint.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen: 'I can't feel that Edward was to blame. +Ed--Oh, I suppose he's gone off to make himself presentable. But +Willis--Where's Willis, Aunt Mary?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Probably gone with him to help him.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, he SAW how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, +I think you're quite prejudiced. How could Edward help their +escaping? I think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to +get his watch back.' A ring at the door, and then a number of +voices in the anteroom. 'I do believe they're all there! I'll just +run out and prepare your son. He would be dreadfully shocked if he +came right in upon you.' She runs into the anteroom, and is heard +without: 'Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou dear! OH, Mr. Bemis! How can I +ever tell you? Your poor father! No, no, I CAN'T tell you! You +mustn't ask me! It's too hideous! And you wouldn't believe me if I +did.' + +Chorus of anguished voices: 'What? what? what?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'They've been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, +OH, Dr. Lawton, I'm so glad YOU'VE come! They're both injured +internally, but I WISH you'd look at Edward first.' + +BEMIS: 'Good heavens! Is that Mrs. Roberts's idea of preparing my +son? And his poor young wife!' He addresses his demand to Mrs. +Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair. + + + + +PART SECOND + + + + +SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL + + + +In Mr Roberts's dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered +tragically confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in +either hand. + +WILLIS: 'Well?' + +ROBERTS, gasping: 'My--my watch!' + +WILLIS: 'Yes. How comes there to be two of it?' + +ROBERTS: 'Don't you understand? When I went out I--didn't take my +watch--with me. I left it here on my bureau.' + +WILLIS: 'Well?' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh, merciful heavens! don't you see? Then I couldn't +have been robbed!' + +WILLIS: 'Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that +didn't rob you, then?' + +ROBERTS: 'His own!' He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair. +'Yes; I left my own watch here, and when that person brushed against +me in the Common, I missed it for the first time. I supposed he had +robbed me, and ran after him, and--' + +WILLIS: 'Robbed HIM!' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes.' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, ha, ha, ha! I, hi, hi, hi! O, ho, ho, ho!' He +yields to a series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and down, +and stamping to and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes +the tears from his cheeks. 'Really, this thing will kill me. What +are you going to do about it, Roberts?' + +ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity: 'I don't +know, Willis. Don't you see that it must have been--that I must +have robbed--Mr. Bemis?' + +WILLIS: 'Bemis!' After a moment for tasting the fact. 'Why, so it +was! Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! And was poor old Bemis that burly +ruffian? that bloodthirsty gang of giants? that--that--oh, Lord! oh, +Lord!' He bows his head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion, +demanding, feebly, as he gets breath for the successive questions, +'What are you going to d-o-o-o? What shall you s-a-a-a-y? How can +you expla-a-ain it?' + +ROBERTS: 'I can do nothing. I can say nothing. I can never +explain it. I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it; +but think of the absurdity--the ridicule!' + +WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence: 'Oh, it isn't THAT you've got +to think of. You've got to think of the old gentleman's sense of +injury and outrage. Didn't you hear what he said--that he would +have handed over his dearest friend, his own brother, to the +police?' + +ROBERTS: 'But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend, +his own brother, had intentionally robbed him. You can't imagine, +Willis--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, I can imagine a great many things. It's all well +enough for you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a +genuine case of garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch +go. He's a very pudgicky old gentleman.' + +ROBERTS: 'He is.' + +WILLIS: 'And I don't see how you're going to satisfy him that it +was all a joke. Joke? It WASN'T a joke! It was a real assault and +a bona fide robbery, and Bemis can prove it.' + +ROBERTS: 'But he would never insist--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, I don't know about that. He's pretty queer, Bemis is. +You can't say what an old gentleman like that will or won't do. If +he should choose to carry it into court--' + +ROBERTS: 'Court!' + +WILLIS: 'It might be embarrassing. And anyway, it would have a +very strange look in the papers.' + +ROBERTS: 'The papers! Good gracious!' + +WILLIS: 'Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would +forget all about the acquittal, and say: "Roberts? Oh yes! Wasn't +he the one they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old +friend of his on the Common!" You see, it wouldn't do to go and +make a clean breast of it to Bemis.' + +ROBERTS: 'I see.' + +WILLIS: 'What will you do?' + +ROBERTS: 'I must never say anything to him about it. Just let it +go.' + +WILLIS: 'And keep his watch? I don't see how you could manage +that. What would you do with the watch? You might sell it, of +course--' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh no, I COULDN'T do that.' + +WILLIS: 'You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it +got him into trouble--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no; that wouldn't do, either.' + +WILLIS: 'And you can't have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to +find it, sooner or later.' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes.' + +WILLIS: 'Besides, there's your conscience. Your conscience +wouldn't LET you keep Bemis's watch away from him. And if it would, +what do you suppose Agnes's conscience would do when she came to +find it out? Agnes hasn't got much of a head--the want of it seems +to grow upon her; but she's got a conscience as big as the side of a +house.' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh, I see; I see.' + +WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his +pockets: 'I tell you what, Roberts, you're in a box.' + +ROBERTS, abjectly: 'I know it, Willis; I know it. What do you +suggest? You MUST know some way out of it.' + +WILLIS: 'It isn't a simple matter like telling them to start the +elevator down when they couldn't start her up. I've got to think it +over.' He walks to and fro, Roberts's eyes helplessly following his +movements. 'How would it do to--No, that wouldn't do, either.' + +ROBERTS: 'What wouldn't?' + +WILLIS: 'Nothing. I was just thinking--I say, you might--Or, no, +you couldn't.' + +ROBERTS: 'Couldn't what?' + +WILLIS: 'Nothing. But if you were to--No; up a stump that way +too.' + +ROBERTS: 'Which way? For mercy's sake, my dear fellow, don't seem +to get a clew if you haven't it. It's more than I can bear.' He +rises, and desperately confronts Willis in his promenade. 'If you +see any hope at all--' + +WILLIS, stopping: 'Why, if you were a different sort of fellow, +Roberts, the thing would be perfectly easy.' + +ROBERTS: 'Very well, then. What sort of fellow do you want me to +be? I'll be any sort of fellow you like.' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, but you couldn't! With that face of yours, and that +confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the +whitest lie that was ever told.' + +ROBERTS: 'Do you wish me to lie? Very well, then, I will lie. +What is the lie?' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, now you're talking like a man! I can soon think up a +lie if you're game for it. Suppose it wasn't so very white--say a +delicate blonde!' + +ROBERTS: 'I shouldn't care if it were as black as the ace of +spades.' + +WILLIS: 'Roberts, I honour you! It isn't everybody who could steal +an old gentleman's watch, and then be so ready to lie out of it. +Well, you HAVE got courage--both kinds--moral and physical.' + +ROBERTS: 'Thank you, Willis. Of course I don't pretend that I +should be willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the +sake of Agnes and the children--I don't want any awkwardness about +the matter; it would be the death of me. Well, what do you wish me +to say? Be quick; I don't believe I could hold out for a great +while. I don't suppose but what Mr. Bemis would be reasonable, even +if I--' + +WILLIS: 'I'm afraid we couldn't trust him. The only way is for you +to take the bull by the horns.' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes?' + +WILLIS: 'You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have +to wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.' + +ROBERTS: 'I--I'm afraid I couldn't manage that. What is your +idea?' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, +and say, in an offhand way, "By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a +remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on +the bureau. Ha, ha, ha!" Do you think you could do it?' + +ROBERTS: 'I--I don't know.' + +WILLIS: 'Try the laugh now.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'd rather not--now.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, try it, anyway.' + +ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!' + +WILLIS: 'Once more.' + +ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!' + +WILLIS: 'Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'll try. And then what?' + +WILLIS: 'And then you say, "I hadn't put it on when I went out, and +when I got after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting +somebody else's watch!" Then you hold out both watches to her, and +laugh again. Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the +watches, and you make fun and crack jokes at your own expense all +the time, and pretty soon old Bemis says, "Why, this is MY watch, +NOW!" and you laugh more than ever--' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid I couldn't laugh when he said that. I don't +believe I could laugh. It would make my blood run cold.' + +WILLIS: 'Oh no, it wouldn't. You'd be in the spirit of it by that +time.' + +ROBERTS: 'Do you think so? Well?' + +WILLIS: 'And then you say, "Well, this is the most remarkable +coincidence I ever heard of. I didn't get my own watch from the +fellow, but I got yours, Mr. Bemis;" and then you hand it over to +him and say, "Sorry I had to break the chain in getting it from +him," and then everybody laughs again, and--and that ends it.' + +ROBERTS, with a profound sigh: 'Do you think that would end it?' + +WILLIS: 'Why, certainly. It'll put old Bemis in the wrong, don't +you see? It'll show that instead of letting the fellow escape to go +and rob HIM, you attacked him and took Bemis's property back from +him yourself. Bemis wouldn't have a word to say. All you've got to +do is to keep up a light, confident manner.' + +ROBERTS: 'But what if it shouldn't put Bemis in the wrong? What if +he shouldn't say or do anything that we've counted upon, but +something altogether different?' + +WILLIS: 'Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt +yourself to circumstances.' + +ROBERTS: 'Wouldn't it be rather more of a joke to come out with the +facts at once?' + +WILLIS: 'On you it would; and a year from now--say next Christmas-- +you could get the laugh on Bemis that way. But if you were to risk +it now, there's no telling how he'd take it. He's so indignant he +might insist upon leaving the house. But with this plan of mine--' + +ROBERTS, in despair: 'I couldn't, Willis. I don't feel light, and +I don't feel confident, and I couldn't act it. If it were a simple +lie--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of +all your ingenuity. If you want something simple, you must stick to +the truth, and throw yourself on Bemis's mercy.' + +ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress: 'I can't do it; I +can't do it. It's very kind of you to think it all out for me, +but'--struck by a sudden idea--'Willis, why shouldn't YOU do it?' + +WILLIS: 'I?' + +ROBERTS: 'You are good at those things. You have so much aplomb, +you know. YOU could carry it off, you know, first-rate.' + +WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea: 'Well, I +don't know--' + +ROBERTS: 'And I could chime in on the laugh. I think I could do +that if somebody else was doing the rest.' + +WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection: 'I SHOULD like to do +it. I should like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it +on him. Roberts, I WILL do it. Not a word! I should LIKE to do +it. Now you go on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn't +mind me here. I'll be rehearsing.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside: 'Edward, are you NEVER +coming?' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; I'll be there in a minute, my dear.' + +WILLIS: 'Yes, he'll be there. Run along back, and keep it going +till we come. Roberts, I wouldn't take a thousand dollars for this +chance.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm glad you like it.' + +WILLIS: 'Like it? Of course I do. Or no! Hold on! Wait! It +won't do! No; you must take the leading part, and I'll support you, +and I'll come in strong if you break down. That's the way we have +got to work it. You must make the start.' + +ROBERTS: 'Couldn't you make it better, Willis? It's your idea.' + +WILLIS: 'No; they'd be sure to suspect me, and they can't suspect +you of anything--you're so innocent. The illusion will be +complete.' + +ROBERTS, very doubtfully: 'Do you think so?' + +WILLIS: 'Yes. Hurry up. Let me unbutton that collar for you.' + + + + +PART THIRD + + + + +SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG +MR. AND MRS. BEMIS + + + +MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her +sofa Mr. Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has +apparently closed an exhaustive recital of the events which have +ended in his presence there. She looks round with a mixed air of +self-denial and self-satisfaction to read the admiration of her +listeners in their sympathetic countenances. + +DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: 'Well, +Mrs. Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of +hostesses. Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but +these little dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way +of appetizer, are certainly unique. Last year an elevator stuck in +the shaft with half the company in it, and this year a highway +robbery, its daring punishment and its reckless repetition--what the +newspapers will call "A Triple Mystery" when it gets to them--and +both victims among our commensals! Really, I don't know what more +we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded footpad himself +as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become de rigueur in +society generally, I don't know what's to become of people who +haven't your invention.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, it's all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; +but if you had been here when they first came in--' + +YOUNG MRS. BEMIS: 'Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If +Mr. Bemis--Alfred, I mean--and papa hadn't been with me when you +came out there to prepare us, I don't know what I should have done. +I should certainly have died, or gone through the floor.' She looks +fondly up into the face of her husband for approval, where he stands +behind her chair, and furtively gives him her hand for pressure.' + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Somebody ought to write to the Curwens--Mrs. +Curwen, that is--about it.' + +MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand: 'Oh yes, papa, DO write!' + +LAWTON: 'I will, my dear. Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in +another sphere--hemisphere--and surrounded by cardinals and all the +other celestial lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this +new evidence of American enterprise. I can fancy the effect she +will produce with it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the Millers--what a shame they couldn't come! +How excited they would have been!--that is, Mrs. Miller. Is their +baby very bad, Doctor?' + +LAWTON: 'Well, vaccination is always a very serious thing--with a +first child. I should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it, +that Miller wouldn't be able to be out for a week to come yet.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!' + +BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair: 'Well, now that it's all +explained, Mrs. Roberts, I think I'd better go home; and if you'll +kindly have them telephone for a carriage--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, indeed, Mr. Bemis! We shall not let you go. +Why, the IDEA! You must stay and take dinner with us, just the +same.' + +BEMIS: 'But in this state--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, never mind the STATE. You look perfectly well; +and if you insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge +against Edward for not arresting him. Wait! We can put you in +perfect order in just a second.' She flies out of the room, and +then comes swooping back with a needle and thread, a fresh white +necktie, a handkerchief, and a hair-brush. 'There! I can't let you +go to Edward's dressing-room, because he's there himself, and the +children are in mine, and we've had to put the new maid in the +guest-chamber--you ARE rather cramped in flats, that's true; that's +the worst of them--but if you don't mind having your toilet made in +public, like the King of France--' + +BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it: 'Not the least; but--' He +laughs, and drops back into his chair. + +MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie +to his wife, and dropping upon her knees before Mr. Bemis: 'Now, +Mrs. Lou, you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh +one, and, MISTER Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I'll have this +torn button-hole mended before you can think.' She seizes it and +begins to sew vigorously upon it. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman +in the country.' + +LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet +well apart, in an attitude of easy admiration: 'The Wounded Adonis, +attended by the Loves and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him: 'I don't see a great many +Loves.' + +LAWTON: 'She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw. And after what you've just +said!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Then why don't you do something?' + +LAWTON: 'The Loves NEVER do anything--in frescoes. They stand +round and sympathise. Besides, we are waiting to administer an +anaesthetic. But what I admire in this subject even more than the +activity of the Graces is the serene dignity of the Adonis. I have +seen my old friend in many trying positions, but I never realised +till now all the simpering absurdity, the flattered silliness, the +senile coquettishness, of which his benign countenance was capable.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it's nothing but--' + +LAWTON: 'Pure envy. I own it.' + +BEMIS: 'All right, Lawton. Wait till--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and +springing to her feet, all in one: 'There, have you finished, Mr. +and Mrs. Lou? Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it +down from his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have--' + +LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: 'A Gentleman of the Old +School. Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone. +Rather flattered, but--recognisable.' + +BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety: 'Go on, go on, Lawton. I +can understand your envy. I can pity it.' + +LAWTON: 'Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?' + +BEMIS: 'Yes, I could. I could give the garotter his liberty, and +present him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he +could earn an honest living for his family.' + +LAWTON, compassionately: 'You ARE pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, +I think somebody ought to go for Roberts.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, innocently: 'Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can +be keeping him?' A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the +door with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs. +Roberts, over her shoulder: 'That ridiculous great boy of mine says +he can't go to sleep unless I come and kiss him good-night.' + +LAWTON: 'Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?--Roberts, or +Campbell? But I didn't know they had gone to bed!' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'You are too bad, papa! You know it's little Neddy.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing: 'Oh, I don't mind his nonsense, Lou. I'll +fetch them both back with me.' + +LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners +at the doors: 'Now, friends, I have a revelation to make in Mrs. +Roberts's absence. I have found out the garotter--the assassin.' + +ALL THE OTHERS: 'What!' + +LAWTON: 'He has been secured--' + +MRS. CRASHAW, severely: 'Well, I'm very glad of it.' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'By the police?' + +MRS. BEMIS, incredulously: 'Papa!' + +BEMIS: 'But there were several of them. Have they all been +arrested?' + +LAWTON: 'There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Where is he, then?' + +LAWTON: 'In this house.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friends--I +shouldn't like to say HOW old--but if you don't instantly be +serious, I--I'll carry my rheumatism to somebody else.' + +LAWTON: 'My DEAR Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that +rheumatism of yours! I will be serious--I will be only too serious. +The garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.' + +ALL, horror-struck: 'Oh!' + +LAWTON: 'He went out without his watch. He thought he was robbed, +but he wasn't. He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend +Bemis here, and took Bemis's watch away, and brought it home for his +own.' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'Yes, but--' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'But, papa--' + +BEMIS: 'How do you know it? I can see how such a thing might +happen, but--how do you know it DID?' + +LAWTON: 'I divined it.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Nonsense!' + +LAWTON: 'Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the +Advertiser a year ago. It occurs annually--in the newspapers. And +I'll tell you what, Mrs. Crashaw--Roberts found out his mistake as +soon as he went to his dressing-room; and that ingenious nephew of +yours, who's closeted with him there, has been trying to put him up +to something--to some game.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis has too much sense. He would know that +Edward couldn't carry out any sort of game.' + +LAWTON: 'Well, then, he's getting Roberts to let HIM carry out the +game.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Edward couldn't do that either.' + +LAWTON: 'Very well, then, just wait till they come back. Will you +leave me to deal with Campbell?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What are you going to do?' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'You mustn't forget that he got us out of the +elevator, sir.' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'We might have been there yet if it hadn't been for +him, papa.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I shouldn't want Willis mortified.' + +BEMIS: 'Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed. We're fellow-sufferers in this +business.' + +LAWTON: 'Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me! I'll spare their +feelings. Don't be afraid. Ah, there they come! Now don't say +anything. I'll just step into the anteroom here.' + + + +SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS + + + +ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with +his guests: 'Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary! You've heard of +our comical little coincidence--our--Mr. Bemis and my--' He halts, +confused, and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who +follows hilariously. + +WILLIS: 'Greatest joke on record! But I won't spoil it for you, +Roberts. Go on!' In a low voice to Roberts: 'And don't look so +confoundedly down in the mouth. They won't think it's a joke at +all.' + +ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness: 'Yes, yes--such a joke! Well, +you see--you see--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'See WHAT, Edward? DO get it out!' + +WILLIS, jollily: 'Ah, ha, ha!' + +ROBERTS, lugubriously: 'Ah, ha, ha!' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'How funny! Ha, ha, ha!' + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Capital! capital!' + +BEMIS: 'Excellent!' + +WILLIS: 'Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die! Ah, ha, ha!' + +ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis: 'Where was I? +I can't go on unless I know where I was.' + +WILLIS, sotto voce to Roberts: 'You weren't anywhere! For Heaven's +sake, make a start!' + +ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively: 'Ha, ha, ha! I supposed all +the time, you know, that I had been robbed, and--and--' + +WILLIS: 'Go on! GO on!' + +ROBERTS, whispering: 'I can't do it--' + +WILLIS, whispering: 'You've GOT to! You're the beaver that clomb +the tree. Laugh naturally, now!' + +ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a +laugh: 'And then I ran after the man--' He stops, and regards Mr. +Bemis with a ghastly stare. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What is the matter with you, Edward? Are you sick?' + +WILLIS: 'Sick? No! Can't you see that he can't get over the joke +of the thing? It's killing him.' To Roberts: 'Brace up, old man! +You're doing it splendidly.' + +ROBERTS, hopelessly: 'And then the other man--the man that had +robbed me--the man that I had pursued--ugh!' + +WILLIS: 'Well, it is too much for him. I shall have to tell it +myself, I see.' + +ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself: 'And so--so--this +man--man--ma--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, good Lord--' Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the +anteroom and confronts him. 'Oh, the devil!' + +LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him: 'Which +means that you forgot I was coming.' + +WILLIS: 'Doctor, you read a man's symptoms at a glance.' + +LAWTON: 'Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr. +Campbell.' + +WILLIS: 'Why don't you advertise, Doctor? Patients need only +enclose a lock of their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one +dollar to pay the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full +directions for treatment, by return mail. Seventh son of a seventh +son.' + +LAWTON: 'Ah, don't try to jest it away, my poor friend. This is +one of those obscure diseases of the heart--induration of the +pericardium--which, if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness +above all things, and desperate wickedness.' + +WILLIS: 'Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?' + +LAWTON: 'Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?' + +WILLIS: '_I_ don't know what you're up to.' He shrugs his +shoulders and walks up the room. + +LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of +Campbell: '_I_ don't know what your little game is.' They return +together, and stop, confronting each other. + +WILLIS: 'But if you think I'm going to give myself away--' + +LAWTON: 'If you suppose I'm going to take you at your own figure--' +They walk up the room together, and return as before. + +WILLIS: 'Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?' + +MRS. BEMIS, tittering: 'Oh, I'm sure _I_ can't tell.' + +WILLIS: 'Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine. Can't you +give me some sort of clue?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted +anybody's help.' + +WILLIS, sighing: 'Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan. Here I +come to join a company of friends at the fireside of a burgled +brother-in-law, and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.' +Suddenly, after a moment: 'Oh, I understand. Why, I ought to have +seen at once. But no matter--it's just as well. I'm sure that we +shall hear Dr. Lawton leniently, and make allowance for his well- +known foible. Roberts is bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr. +Bemis is the father-in-law of his daughter.' + +MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay: 'Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you +mean?' + +WILLIS: 'Simply that the mystery is solved--the double garotter is +discovered. I'm sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to +deal harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who +robbed Mr. Roberts and Mr. Bemis. All that they ask is to have +their watches back. Go on, Doctor! How will that do, Aunt Mary, +for a little flyer?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!' +She embraces him with joyous pride. + +ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously: 'But, my dear Willis--' + +WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to +his place: 'We can't let you talk now. I've no doubt you'll be +considerate, and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor. Go on, +Doctor! Free your mind! Don't be afraid of telling the whole +truth! It will be better for you in the end.' He rubs his hands +gleefully, and then thrusting the points of them into his waistcoat +pockets, stands beaming triumphantly upon Lawton. + +LAWTON: 'Do you think so?' With well-affected trepidation 'Well, +friends, if I must confess this--this--' + +WILLIS: 'High-handed outrage. Go on.' + +LAWTON: 'I suppose I must. I shall not expect mercy for myself; +perhaps you'll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I don't +deserve it. But I had an accomplice--a young man very respectably +connected, and who, whatever his previous life may have been, had +managed to keep a good reputation; a young man a little apt to be +misled by overweening vanity and the ill-advised flattery of his +friends; but I hope that neither of you gentlemen will be hard upon +him, but will consider his youth, and perhaps his congenital moral +and intellectual deficiencies, even when you find your watches--on +Mr. Campbell's person.' He leans forward, rubbing his hands, and +smiling upon Campbell, 'How will that do, Mr. Campbell, for a +flyer?' + +WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: 'One ahead, Aunt Mary?' + +LAWTON, clasping him by the hand: 'No, generous youth--even!' They +shake hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and +joining in the general laugh. + +BEMIS, coming forward jovially: 'Well, now, I gladly forgive you +both--or whoever DID rob me--if you'll only give me back my watch.' + +WILLIS: '_I_ haven't got your watch.' + +LAWTON: 'Nor I.' + +ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward: 'I--I have +it, Mr. Bemis.' He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and hands +it to Bemis. Then, visiting the other: 'And what's worse, I have +my own. I don't know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for +my extraordinary behaviour. Willis thought you might finally see it +as a joke, and I've done my best to pass it off lightly--' + +WILLIS: 'And you succeeded. You had all the lightness of a sick +hippopotamus.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid so. I'll have the chain mended, of course. +But when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing- +table, and when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and +supposed I had been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours--' + +WILLIS: 'Being a man of the most violent temper and the most +desperate courage--' + +ROBERTS: 'But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn't hurt you +seriously?' + +BEMIS: 'Not at all--not the least.' Shaking him cordially by both +hands: 'I'm all right. Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with +her skilful needle; I've got on one of your best neckties, and this +lace handkerchief of your wife's, which I'm going to keep for a +souvenir of the most extraordinary adventure of my life--' + +LAWTON: 'Oh, it's an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts +in his character of MORAL hero. He 'done' it with his little +hatchet, but he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right +before he owned up.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, appearing: 'Who, Willis?' + +WILLIS: 'A very great and good man--George Washington.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I thought you meant Edward.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, I don't suppose there IS much difference.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'The robber has been caught, Agnes.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Caught? Nonsense! You don't mean it! How can you +trifle with such a subject? I know you are joking! Who is it?' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'You never could guess--' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'Never in the world!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I don't wish to. But oh, Mr. Bemis, I've just come +from my own children, and you must be merciful to his family!' + +BEMIS: 'For your sake, dear lady, I will.' + +BELLA, between the portieres: 'Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis's arm: 'Oh, then +you must go in with me, and tell me all about it.' + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells + diff --git a/old/gartt10.zip b/old/gartt10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4205a4c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gartt10.zip |
