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diff --git a/old/gartt10.txt b/old/gartt10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf6412f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gartt10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1814 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells +#7 in our series by William D. Howells + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David +Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE GAROTTERS + +by William D. Howells + + + + +PART FIRST + + + + +SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS + + + +At the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts +stands looking out into the early nightfall. A heavy snow is +driving without, and from time to time the rush of the wind and the +sweep of the flakes against the panes are heard. At the sound of +hurried steps in the anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window, +and runs to the portiere, through which she puts her head. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Is that you, Edward? So dark here! We ought really +to keep the gas turned up all the time.' + +MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without: 'Yes, it's I.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, hurry in to the fire, do! Ugh, what a storm! +Do you suppose anybody will come? You must be half frozen, you poor +thing! Come quick, or you'll certainly perish!' She flies from the +portiere to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a +log, jumps back, brushes from her dress with a light shriek the +sparks driven out upon it, and continues talking incessantly in a +voice lifted for her husband to hear in the anteroom. 'If I'd +dreamed it was any such storm as this, I should never have let you +go out in it in the world. It wasn't at all necessary to have the +flowers. I could have got on perfectly well, and I believe NOW the +table would look better without them. The chrysanthemums would have +been quite enough; and I know you've taken more cold. I could tell +it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as quick as they're +gone to-night I'm going to have you bathe your feet in mustard and +hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed. And I +don't want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be +sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won't be of the least +use.' She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the +portiere, his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out +of knot, and his shirt front rumpled. 'Why, Edward, what in the +world is the matter? What has happened?' + +ROBERTS, sinking into a chair: 'Get me a glass of water, Agnes-- +wine--whisky--brandy--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about: 'Yes, yes. But what--Bella! +Bridget! Maggy!--Oh, I'll go for it myself, and I WON'T stop to +listen! Only--only don't die!' While Roberts remains with his eyes +shut, and his head sunk on his breast in token of extreme +exhaustion, she disappears and reappears through the door leading to +her chamber, and then through the portiere cutting off the dining- +room. She finally descends upon her husband with a flagon of +cologne in one hand, a small decanter of brandy in the other, and a +wineglass held in the hollow of her arm against her breast. She +contrives to set the glass down on the mantel and fill it from the +flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her hand, and while she +presses the glass to her husband's lips, begins to pour the brandy +on his head. 'Here! this will revive you, and it'll refresh you to +have this cologne on your head.' + +ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter, +and springing to his feet: 'Why, you've given me the cologne to +DRINK, Agnes! What are you about? Do you want to poison me? Isn't +it enough to be robbed at six o'clock on the Common, without having +your head soaked in brandy, and your whole system scented up like a +barber's shop, when you get home?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed?' She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter +down on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon of cologne in +the wood-box, abandons herself to justice: 'Then let them come for +me at once, Edward! If I could have the heart to send you out in +such a night as this for a few wretched rosebuds, I'm quite equal to +poisoning you. Oh, Edward, WHO robbed you?' + +ROBERTS: 'That's what I don't know.' He continues to wipe his head +with his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to time. +'All I know is that when I got--phew!--to that dark spot by the Frog +Pond, just by--phew!--that little group of--phew!--evergreens, you +know--phew!--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; go on! I can bear it, Edward.' + +ROBERTS: '--a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on +in the other direction. I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my +watch under the lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped +my hand to my waistcoat, and--phew!--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Waistcoat! Yes!' + +ROBERTS: '--found my watch gone.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'What! Your watch? The watch Willis gave you? Made +out of the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to +California? Don't ask me to believe it, Edward! But I'm only too +glad that you escaped with your life. Let them have the watch and +welcome. Oh, nay dear, dear husband!' She approaches him with +extended arms, and then suddenly arrests herself. 'But you've got +it on!' + +ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his +dishevelled appearance: 'Yes; I took it from him.' At his wife's +speechless astonishment: 'I went after him and took it from him.' +He sits down, and continues with resolute calm, while his wife +remains standing before him motionless: 'Agnes, I don't know how I +came to do it. I wouldn't have believed I could do it. I've never +thought that I had much courage--physical courage; but when I felt +my watch was gone, a sort of frenzy came over me. I wasn't hurt; +and for the first time in my life I realised what an abominable +outrage theft was. The thought that at six o'clock in the evening, +in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an inoffensive +citizen could be assaulted and robbed, made me furious. I didn't +call out. I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and +ran after the fellow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward!' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes, I did. He hadn't got half-a-dozen rods away--it all +took place in a flash--and I could easily run him down. He was +considerably larger than I--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh!' + +ROBERTS: '--and he looked young and very athletic; but these things +didn't seem to make any impression on me.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale, +Edward!' + +ROBERTS: 'Well, I wonder a little at myself. I don't set up for a +great deal of--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'But I always knew you had it! Go on. Oh, when I +tell Willis of this! Had the robber any accomplices? Were there +many of them?' + +ROBERTS: 'I only saw one. And I saw that my only chance was to +take him at a disadvantage. I sprang upon him, and pulled him over +on his back. I merely said, "I'll trouble you for that watch of +mine, if you please," jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from +his pocket--I broke the chain, I see--and then left him and ran +again. He didn't make the slightest resistance nor utter a word. +Of course it wouldn't do for him to make any noise about it, and I +dare say he was glad to get off so easily.' With affected +nonchalance: 'I'm pretty badly rumpled, I see. He fell against me, +and a scuffle like that doesn't improve one's appearance.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly: 'Edward! I don't know what to say! +Of course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been +through, and to think what might have happened; but I think you +behaved splendidly. Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism! +You needn't tell ME that he made no resistance. There was a deadly +struggle--your necktie and everything about you shows it. And you +needn't think there was only one of them--' + +ROBERTS, modestly: 'I don't believe there was more.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense! There are ALWAYS two! I've read the +accounts of those garottings. And to think you not only got out of +their clutches alive, but got your property back--Willis's watch! +Oh, what WILL Willis say? But I know how proud of you he'll be. +Oh, I wish I could scream it from the house-tops. Why didn't you +call the police?' + +ROBERTS: 'I didn't think--I hadn't time to think.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'No matter. I'm glad you have ALL the glory of it. +I don't believe you half realise what you've been through now. And +perhaps this was the robbers' first attempt, and it will be a lesson +to them. Oh yes! I'm glad you let them escape, Edward. They may +have families. If every one behaved as you've done, there would +soon be an end of garotting. But, oh! I can't bear to think of the +danger you've run. And I want you to promise me never, never to +undertake such a thing again!' + +ROBERTS: 'Well, I don't know--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; you must! Suppose you had got killed in +that awful struggle with those reckless wretches tugging to get away +from you! Think of the children! Why, you might have burst a +blood-vessel! Will you promise, Edward? Promise this instant, on +your bended knees, just as if you were in a court of justice!' Mrs. +Roberts's excitement mounts, and she flings herself at her husband's +feet, and pulls his face down to hers with the arm she has thrown +about his neck. 'Will you promise?' + + + +SCENE II: MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved: 'Promise you what, Agnes? The +man doesn't smoke NOW. What more can you ask?' She starts back +from the spectacle of Roberts's disordered dress. 'Why, what's +happened to you, Edward?' + +MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet: 'Oh, you may well ask that, +Aunt Mary! Happened? You ought to fall down and worship him! And +you WILL when you know what he's been through. He's been robbed!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Robbed? What nonsense! Who robbed him? WHERE was +he robbed?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'He was attacked by two garotters--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't speak, Edward! I KNOW there were two. On the +Common. Not half an hour ago. As he was going to get me some +rosebuds. In the midst of this terrible storm.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Is this true, Edward?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't answer, Edward! One of the band threw his arm +round Edward's neck--so.' She illustrates by garotting Mrs. +Crashaw, who disengages herself with difficulty. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Mercy, child! What ARE you doing to my lace?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as +fast as he could.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis's watch? Why, he's got it on.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight: 'Exactly what I said when he told +me.' Then, very solemnly: 'And do you know WHY he's got it on?-- +'Sh, Edward! I WILL tell! Because he ran after them and took it +back again.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why, they might have killed him!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of COURSE they might. But EDWARD didn't care. The +idea of being robbed at six o'clock on the Common made him so +furious that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or +anything; but he just ran after them--' + +ROBERTS: 'Agnes! Agnes! There was only ONE.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Nonsense, Edward! How could you tell, so excited as +you were?--And caught hold of the largest of the wretches--a perfect +young giant--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no; not a GIANT, my dear.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, he was YOUNG, anyway!--And flung him on the +ground.' She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Don't you fling ME on the ground, Agnes! I won't +have it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And tore his coat open, while all the rest were +tugging at him, and snatched his watch, and then--and then just +walked coolly away.' + +ROBERTS: 'No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Well, RAN. It's quite the same thing, and I'm just +as proud of you as if you had walked. Of course you were not going +to throw your life away.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think he did a very silly thing in going after +them at all.' + +ROBERTS: 'Why, of course, if I'd thought twice about it, I +shouldn't have done it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Of course you wouldn't, dear! And that's what I +want him to promise, Aunt Mary: never to do it again, no matter HOW +much he's provoked. I want him to promise it right here in your +presence, Aunt Mary!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think it's much more important he should put on +another collar and--shirt, if he's going to see company.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes; go right off at once, Edward. How you DO think +of things, Aunt Mary! I really suppose I should have gone on all +night and never noticed his looks. Run, Edward, and do it, dear. +But--kiss me first! Oh, it DON'T seem as if you could be alive and +well after it all! Are you sure you're not hurt?' + +ROBERTS, embracing her: 'No; I'm all right.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you're not injured internally? Sometimes +they're injured internally--aren't they, Aunt Mary?--and it doesn't +show till months afterwards. Are you sure?' + +ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands: +'Yes, I think so.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And you don't feel any bad effects from the cologne +NOW? Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to drink, and poured +the brandy on his head, when he came in! But I was determined to +keep calm, whatever I did. And if I've poisoned him I'm quite +willing to die for it--oh, quite! I would gladly take the blame of +it before the whole world.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Well, for pity's sake, let the man go and make +himself decent. There's your bell now.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, do go, Edward. But--kiss me--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'He DID kiss you, Agnes. Don't be a simpleton!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Did he? Well, kiss me again, then, Edward. And now +do go, dear. M-m-m-m.' The inarticulate endearments represented by +these signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across +the room, in the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters. + + + +SCENE III: MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +WILLIS, pausing in contemplation: 'Hello! What's the matter? +What's she trying to get out of you, Roberts? Don't you do it, +anyway, old fellow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction: 'Willis! Oh, you've +come in time to see him just as he is. Look at him, Willis!' In +the excess of her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with +his arm fast in her clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous +effect of having just been taken into custody. Under these +circumstances Roberts's attempt at an expression of diffident +heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks guilty, and his eyes fall +under the astonished regard of his brother-in-law. + +WILLIS: 'What's the matter with him? What's he been doing?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: ''Sh, Edward! What's he been doing? What does he +look as if he had been doing?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes--' + +WILLIS: 'He looks as if he had been signing the pledge. And he-- +smells like it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'For shame, Willis! I should think you'd sink +through the floor. Edward, not a word! I AM ashamed of him, if he +IS my brother.' + +WILLIS: 'Why, what in the world's up, Agnes?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Up? He's been ROBBED!--robbed on the Common, not +five minutes ago! A whole gang of garotters surrounded him under +the Old Elm--or just where it used to be--and took his watch away! +And he ran after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and +took it back again. He wasn't hurt, but we're afraid he's been +injured internally; he may be bleeding internally NOW--Oh, do you +think he is, Willis? Don't you think we ought to send for a +physician?--That, and the cologne I gave him to drink. It's the +brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so. And he all so +exhausted he couldn't speak, and I didn't know what I was doing, +either; but he's promised--oh yes, he's promised!--never, never to +do it again.' She again flings her arms about her husband, and then +turns proudly to her brother. + +WILLIS: 'Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Not in the least! But I've no doubt that Edward can +explain, after he's changed his linen--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh yes, do go, Edward! Not but what I should be +proud and happy to have you appear just as you are before the whole +world, if it was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your +absent-mindedness, and his boasts about those California desperadoes +of his.' + +ROBERTS: 'Come, come, Agnes! I MUST protest against your--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, I know it doesn't become me to praise your +courage, darling! But I should like to know what Willis would have +done, with all his California experience, if a garotter had taken +his watch?' + +WILLIS: 'I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a +quarter himself for getting it cleaned and spoiled. Anybody but a +literary man would. How many of them were there, Roberts?' + +ROBERTS: 'I only saw one.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'But of course there were more. How could he tell, +in the dark and excitement? And the one he did see was a perfect +giant; so you can imagine what the rest must have been like.' + +WILLIS: 'Did you really knock him down?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Knock him down? Of course he did.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, WILL you hold your tongue, and let the men +alone?' + +MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering: 'I can't, Aunt Mary. And you couldn't, +if it was yours.' + +ROBERTS: 'I pulled him over backwards.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'There, Willis!' + +WILLIS: 'And grabbed your watch from him?' + +ROBERTS: 'I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was +doing--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And he didn't call for the police, or anything--' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, that showed presence of mind! He knew it wouldn't +have been any use.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And when he had got his watch away from them, he +just let them go, because they had families dependent on them.' + +WILLIS: 'I should have let them go in the first place, but you +behaved handsomely in the end, Roberts; there's no denying that. +And when you came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured +brandy on your head. It must have revived you. I should think it +would wake the dead.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I was all excitement, Willis--' + +WILLIS: 'No, I should think from the fact that you had set the +decanter here on the hearth, and put your cologne into the wood-box, +you were perfectly calm, Agnes.' He takes them up and hands them to +her. 'Quite as calm as usual.' The door-bell rings. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, WILL you let that ridiculous man go away and +make himself presentable before people begin to come?' The bell +rings violently, peal upon peal. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, my goodness, what's that? It's the garotters--I +know it is; and we shall all be murdered in our beds!' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What in the world can it--' + +WILLIS: 'Why don't your girl answer the bell, Agnes? Or I'll go +myself.' The bell rings violently again. + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, Willis, you sha'n't! Don't leave me, Edward! +Aunt Mary!--Oh, if we MUST die, let us all die together! Oh, my +poor children! Ugh! What's that?' The servant-maid opens the +outer door, and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing- +room portiere. + +BELLA THE MAID: 'Oh, my goodness! Mrs. Roberts, it's Mr. Bemis!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Which Mr. Bemis?' + +ROBERTS: 'What's the matter with him?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Why doesn't she show him in?' + +WILLIS: 'Has HE been garotting somebody too?' + + + +SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS + + + +BEMIS, appearing through the portiere: 'I--I beg your pardon, Mrs. +Roberts. I oughtn't to present myself in this state--I-- But I +thought I'd better stop on my way home and report, so that my son +needn't be alarmed at my absence when he comes. I--' He stops, +exhausted, and regards the others with a wild stare, while they +stand taking note of his disordered coat, his torn vest, and his +tumbled hat. 'I've just been robbed--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Robbed? Why, EDWARD has been robbed too.' + +BEMIS: '--coming through the Common--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Yes, EDWARD was coming through the Common.' + +BEMIS: '--of my watch--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: 'Oh, and +it was Edward's WATCH they took!' + +WILLIS: 'It's a parallel case, Agnes. Pour him out a glass of +cologne to drink, and rub his head with brandy. And you might let +him sit down and rest while you're enjoying the excitement.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse: 'Oh, what am I thinking of! +Here, Edward--or no, you're too weak, you mustn't. Willis, YOU help +me to help him to the sofa.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I think you'd better help him off with his overcoat +and his arctics.' To the maid: 'Here, Bella, if you haven't quite +taken leave of your wits, undo his shoes.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'LL help him off with his coat--' + +BEMIS: 'Careful! careful! I may be injured internally.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, if you only WERE, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could +persuade Edward that he was too: I KNOW he is. Edward, don't exert +yourself! Aunt Mary, will you STOP him, or do you all wish to see +me go distracted here before your eyes?' + +WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed: 'Well, +you won't have much trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for +the present.' + +BEMIS: 'They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket--' + +WILLIS, looking at the vest: 'I see. Pretty lively work. Were +there many of them?' + +BEMIS: 'There must have been two at least--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked +Edward.' + +BEMIS: 'One of them pulled me violently over on my back--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward's put HIS arm round his neck and choked him.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I KNOW he did, Aunt Mary.' + +BEMIS: 'And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'EDWARD'S--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, I'm thoroughly ashamed of you. WILL you stop +interrupting?' + +BEMIS: 'And left me lying in the snow.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch +away again in spite of them all; and he didn't call for the police, +or anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn't +bear to think of their suffering families.' + +BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment: 'Who?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Edward. Didn't I SAY Edward, all the time?' + +BEMIS: 'I thought you meant me. I didn't think of pursuing them; +but you may be very sure that if there had been a policeman within +call--of course there wasn't one within cannon-shot--I should have +handed the scoundrels over without the slightest remorse.' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh!' He sinks into a chair with a slight groan. + +WILLIS: 'What is it?' + +ROBERTS: ''Sh! Don't say anything. But--stay here. I want to +speak with you, Willis.' + +BEMIS, with mounting wrath: 'I should not have hesitated an instant +to give the rascal in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him-- +no matter if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.' + +ROBERTS, under his breath: 'Gracious powers!' + +BEMIS: 'And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I +can't help feeling that he made a great mistake in allowing the +ruffians to escape.' + +MRS. CRASHAW, with severity: 'I think you are quite right, Mr. +Bemis.' + +BEMIS: 'Probably it was the same gang attacked us both. After +escaping from Mr. Roberts they fell upon me.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I haven't a doubt of it.' + +ROBERTS, sotto voce to his brother-in-law: 'I think I'll ask you to +go with me to my room, Willis. Don't alarm Agnes, please. I--I +feel quite faint.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen: 'I can't feel that Edward was to blame. +Ed--Oh, I suppose he's gone off to make himself presentable. But +Willis--Where's Willis, Aunt Mary?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Probably gone with him to help him.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, he SAW how unstrung poor Edward was! Mr. Bemis, +I think you're quite prejudiced. How could Edward help their +escaping? I think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to +get his watch back.' A ring at the door, and then a number of +voices in the anteroom. 'I do believe they're all there! I'll just +run out and prepare your son. He would be dreadfully shocked if he +came right in upon you.' She runs into the anteroom, and is heard +without: 'Oh, Dr. Lawton! Oh, Lou dear! OH, Mr. Bemis! How can I +ever tell you? Your poor father! No, no, I CAN'T tell you! You +mustn't ask me! It's too hideous! And you wouldn't believe me if I +did.' + +Chorus of anguished voices: 'What? what? what?' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'They've been robbed! Garotted on the Common! And, +OH, Dr. Lawton, I'm so glad YOU'VE come! They're both injured +internally, but I WISH you'd look at Edward first.' + +BEMIS: 'Good heavens! Is that Mrs. Roberts's idea of preparing my +son? And his poor young wife!' He addresses his demand to Mrs. +Crashaw, who lifts the hands of impotent despair. + + + + +PART SECOND + + + + +SCENE I: MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL + + + +In Mr Roberts's dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered +tragically confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in +either hand. + +WILLIS: 'Well?' + +ROBERTS, gasping: 'My--my watch!' + +WILLIS: 'Yes. How comes there to be two of it?' + +ROBERTS: 'Don't you understand? When I went out I--didn't take my +watch--with me. I left it here on my bureau.' + +WILLIS: 'Well?' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh, merciful heavens! don't you see? Then I couldn't +have been robbed!' + +WILLIS: 'Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that +didn't rob you, then?' + +ROBERTS: 'His own!' He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair. +'Yes; I left my own watch here, and when that person brushed against +me in the Common, I missed it for the first time. I supposed he had +robbed me, and ran after him, and--' + +WILLIS: 'Robbed HIM!' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes.' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, ha, ha, ha! I, hi, hi, hi! O, ho, ho, ho!' He +yields to a series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and down, +and stamping to and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes +the tears from his cheeks. 'Really, this thing will kill me. What +are you going to do about it, Roberts?' + +ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity: 'I don't +know, Willis. Don't you see that it must have been--that I must +have robbed--Mr. Bemis?' + +WILLIS: 'Bemis!' After a moment for tasting the fact. 'Why, so it +was! Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! And was poor old Bemis that burly +ruffian? that bloodthirsty gang of giants? that--that--oh, Lord! oh, +Lord!' He bows his head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion, +demanding, feebly, as he gets breath for the successive questions, +'What are you going to d-o-o-o? What shall you s-a-a-a-y? How can +you expla-a-ain it?' + +ROBERTS: 'I can do nothing. I can say nothing. I can never +explain it. I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it; +but think of the absurdity--the ridicule!' + +WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence: 'Oh, it isn't THAT you've got +to think of. You've got to think of the old gentleman's sense of +injury and outrage. Didn't you hear what he said--that he would +have handed over his dearest friend, his own brother, to the +police?' + +ROBERTS: 'But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend, +his own brother, had intentionally robbed him. You can't imagine, +Willis--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, I can imagine a great many things. It's all well +enough for you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a +genuine case of garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch +go. He's a very pudgicky old gentleman.' + +ROBERTS: 'He is.' + +WILLIS: 'And I don't see how you're going to satisfy him that it +was all a joke. Joke? It WASN'T a joke! It was a real assault and +a bona fide robbery, and Bemis can prove it.' + +ROBERTS: 'But he would never insist--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, I don't know about that. He's pretty queer, Bemis is. +You can't say what an old gentleman like that will or won't do. If +he should choose to carry it into court--' + +ROBERTS: 'Court!' + +WILLIS: 'It might be embarrassing. And anyway, it would have a +very strange look in the papers.' + +ROBERTS: 'The papers! Good gracious!' + +WILLIS: 'Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would +forget all about the acquittal, and say: "Roberts? Oh yes! Wasn't +he the one they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old +friend of his on the Common!" You see, it wouldn't do to go and +make a clean breast of it to Bemis.' + +ROBERTS: 'I see.' + +WILLIS: 'What will you do?' + +ROBERTS: 'I must never say anything to him about it. Just let it +go.' + +WILLIS: 'And keep his watch? I don't see how you could manage +that. What would you do with the watch? You might sell it, of +course--' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh no, I COULDN'T do that.' + +WILLIS: 'You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it +got him into trouble--' + +ROBERTS: 'No, no; that wouldn't do, either.' + +WILLIS: 'And you can't have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to +find it, sooner or later.' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes.' + +WILLIS: 'Besides, there's your conscience. Your conscience +wouldn't LET you keep Bemis's watch away from him. And if it would, +what do you suppose Agnes's conscience would do when she came to +find it out? Agnes hasn't got much of a head--the want of it seems +to grow upon her; but she's got a conscience as big as the side of a +house.' + +ROBERTS: 'Oh, I see; I see.' + +WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his +pockets: 'I tell you what, Roberts, you're in a box.' + +ROBERTS, abjectly: 'I know it, Willis; I know it. What do you +suggest? You MUST know some way out of it.' + +WILLIS: 'It isn't a simple matter like telling them to start the +elevator down when they couldn't start her up. I've got to think it +over.' He walks to and fro, Roberts's eyes helplessly following his +movements. 'How would it do to--No, that wouldn't do, either.' + +ROBERTS: 'What wouldn't?' + +WILLIS: 'Nothing. I was just thinking--I say, you might--Or, no, +you couldn't.' + +ROBERTS: 'Couldn't what?' + +WILLIS: 'Nothing. But if you were to--No; up a stump that way +too.' + +ROBERTS: 'Which way? For mercy's sake, my dear fellow, don't seem +to get a clew if you haven't it. It's more than I can bear.' He +rises, and desperately confronts Willis in his promenade. 'If you +see any hope at all--' + +WILLIS, stopping: 'Why, if you were a different sort of fellow, +Roberts, the thing would be perfectly easy.' + +ROBERTS: 'Very well, then. What sort of fellow do you want me to +be? I'll be any sort of fellow you like.' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, but you couldn't! With that face of yours, and that +confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the +whitest lie that was ever told.' + +ROBERTS: 'Do you wish me to lie? Very well, then, I will lie. +What is the lie?' + +WILLIS: 'Ah, now you're talking like a man! I can soon think up a +lie if you're game for it. Suppose it wasn't so very white--say a +delicate blonde!' + +ROBERTS: 'I shouldn't care if it were as black as the ace of +spades.' + +WILLIS: 'Roberts, I honour you! It isn't everybody who could steal +an old gentleman's watch, and then be so ready to lie out of it. +Well, you HAVE got courage--both kinds--moral and physical.' + +ROBERTS: 'Thank you, Willis. Of course I don't pretend that I +should be willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the +sake of Agnes and the children--I don't want any awkwardness about +the matter; it would be the death of me. Well, what do you wish me +to say? Be quick; I don't believe I could hold out for a great +while. I don't suppose but what Mr. Bemis would be reasonable, even +if I--' + +WILLIS: 'I'm afraid we couldn't trust him. The only way is for you +to take the bull by the horns.' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes?' + +WILLIS: 'You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have +to wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.' + +ROBERTS: 'I--I'm afraid I couldn't manage that. What is your +idea?' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, +and say, in an offhand way, "By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a +remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on +the bureau. Ha, ha, ha!" Do you think you could do it?' + +ROBERTS: 'I--I don't know.' + +WILLIS: 'Try the laugh now.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'd rather not--now.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, try it, anyway.' + +ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!' + +WILLIS: 'Once more.' + +ROBERTS: 'Ha, ha, ha!' + +WILLIS: 'Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'll try. And then what?' + +WILLIS: 'And then you say, "I hadn't put it on when I went out, and +when I got after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting +somebody else's watch!" Then you hold out both watches to her, and +laugh again. Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the +watches, and you make fun and crack jokes at your own expense all +the time, and pretty soon old Bemis says, "Why, this is MY watch, +NOW!" and you laugh more than ever--' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid I couldn't laugh when he said that. I don't +believe I could laugh. It would make my blood run cold.' + +WILLIS: 'Oh no, it wouldn't. You'd be in the spirit of it by that +time.' + +ROBERTS: 'Do you think so? Well?' + +WILLIS: 'And then you say, "Well, this is the most remarkable +coincidence I ever heard of. I didn't get my own watch from the +fellow, but I got yours, Mr. Bemis;" and then you hand it over to +him and say, "Sorry I had to break the chain in getting it from +him," and then everybody laughs again, and--and that ends it.' + +ROBERTS, with a profound sigh: 'Do you think that would end it?' + +WILLIS: 'Why, certainly. It'll put old Bemis in the wrong, don't +you see? It'll show that instead of letting the fellow escape to go +and rob HIM, you attacked him and took Bemis's property back from +him yourself. Bemis wouldn't have a word to say. All you've got to +do is to keep up a light, confident manner.' + +ROBERTS: 'But what if it shouldn't put Bemis in the wrong? What if +he shouldn't say or do anything that we've counted upon, but +something altogether different?' + +WILLIS: 'Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt +yourself to circumstances.' + +ROBERTS: 'Wouldn't it be rather more of a joke to come out with the +facts at once?' + +WILLIS: 'On you it would; and a year from now--say next Christmas-- +you could get the laugh on Bemis that way. But if you were to risk +it now, there's no telling how he'd take it. He's so indignant he +might insist upon leaving the house. But with this plan of mine--' + +ROBERTS, in despair: 'I couldn't, Willis. I don't feel light, and +I don't feel confident, and I couldn't act it. If it were a simple +lie--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of +all your ingenuity. If you want something simple, you must stick to +the truth, and throw yourself on Bemis's mercy.' + +ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress: 'I can't do it; I +can't do it. It's very kind of you to think it all out for me, +but'--struck by a sudden idea--'Willis, why shouldn't YOU do it?' + +WILLIS: 'I?' + +ROBERTS: 'You are good at those things. You have so much aplomb, +you know. YOU could carry it off, you know, first-rate.' + +WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea: 'Well, I +don't know--' + +ROBERTS: 'And I could chime in on the laugh. I think I could do +that if somebody else was doing the rest.' + +WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection: 'I SHOULD like to do +it. I should like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it +on him. Roberts, I WILL do it. Not a word! I should LIKE to do +it. Now you go on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn't +mind me here. I'll be rehearsing.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside: 'Edward, are you NEVER +coming?' + +ROBERTS: 'Yes, yes; I'll be there in a minute, my dear.' + +WILLIS: 'Yes, he'll be there. Run along back, and keep it going +till we come. Roberts, I wouldn't take a thousand dollars for this +chance.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm glad you like it.' + +WILLIS: 'Like it? Of course I do. Or no! Hold on! Wait! It +won't do! No; you must take the leading part, and I'll support you, +and I'll come in strong if you break down. That's the way we have +got to work it. You must make the start.' + +ROBERTS: 'Couldn't you make it better, Willis? It's your idea.' + +WILLIS: 'No; they'd be sure to suspect me, and they can't suspect +you of anything--you're so innocent. The illusion will be +complete.' + +ROBERTS, very doubtfully: 'Do you think so?' + +WILLIS: 'Yes. Hurry up. Let me unbutton that collar for you.' + + + + +PART THIRD + + + + +SCENE I: MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG +MR. AND MRS. BEMIS + + + +MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her +sofa Mr. Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has +apparently closed an exhaustive recital of the events which have +ended in his presence there. She looks round with a mixed air of +self-denial and self-satisfaction to read the admiration of her +listeners in their sympathetic countenances. + +DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: 'Well, +Mrs. Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of +hostesses. Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but +these little dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way +of appetizer, are certainly unique. Last year an elevator stuck in +the shaft with half the company in it, and this year a highway +robbery, its daring punishment and its reckless repetition--what the +newspapers will call "A Triple Mystery" when it gets to them--and +both victims among our commensals! Really, I don't know what more +we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded footpad himself +as a commensal. If this sort of thing should become de rigueur in +society generally, I don't know what's to become of people who +haven't your invention.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, it's all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; +but if you had been here when they first came in--' + +YOUNG MRS. BEMIS: 'Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts. If +Mr. Bemis--Alfred, I mean--and papa hadn't been with me when you +came out there to prepare us, I don't know what I should have done. +I should certainly have died, or gone through the floor.' She looks +fondly up into the face of her husband for approval, where he stands +behind her chair, and furtively gives him her hand for pressure.' + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Somebody ought to write to the Curwens--Mrs. +Curwen, that is--about it.' + +MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand: 'Oh yes, papa, DO write!' + +LAWTON: 'I will, my dear. Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in +another sphere--hemisphere--and surrounded by cardinals and all the +other celestial lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this +new evidence of American enterprise. I can fancy the effect she +will produce with it.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'And the Millers--what a shame they couldn't come! +How excited they would have been!--that is, Mrs. Miller. Is their +baby very bad, Doctor?' + +LAWTON: 'Well, vaccination is always a very serious thing--with a +first child. I should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it, +that Miller wouldn't be able to be out for a week to come yet.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!' + +BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair: 'Well, now that it's all +explained, Mrs. Roberts, I think I'd better go home; and if you'll +kindly have them telephone for a carriage--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'NO, indeed, Mr. Bemis! We shall not let you go. +Why, the IDEA! You must stay and take dinner with us, just the +same.' + +BEMIS: 'But in this state--' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Oh, never mind the STATE. You look perfectly well; +and if you insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge +against Edward for not arresting him. Wait! We can put you in +perfect order in just a second.' She flies out of the room, and +then comes swooping back with a needle and thread, a fresh white +necktie, a handkerchief, and a hair-brush. 'There! I can't let you +go to Edward's dressing-room, because he's there himself, and the +children are in mine, and we've had to put the new maid in the +guest-chamber--you ARE rather cramped in flats, that's true; that's +the worst of them--but if you don't mind having your toilet made in +public, like the King of France--' + +BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it: 'Not the least; but--' He +laughs, and drops back into his chair. + +MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie +to his wife, and dropping upon her knees before Mr. Bemis: 'Now, +Mrs. Lou, you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh +one, and, MISTER Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I'll have this +torn button-hole mended before you can think.' She seizes it and +begins to sew vigorously upon it. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman +in the country.' + +LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet +well apart, in an attitude of easy admiration: 'The Wounded Adonis, +attended by the Loves and Graces. Familiar Pompeiian fresco.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him: 'I don't see a great many +Loves.' + +LAWTON: 'She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw. And after what you've just +said!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Then why don't you do something?' + +LAWTON: 'The Loves NEVER do anything--in frescoes. They stand +round and sympathise. Besides, we are waiting to administer an +anaesthetic. But what I admire in this subject even more than the +activity of the Graces is the serene dignity of the Adonis. I have +seen my old friend in many trying positions, but I never realised +till now all the simpering absurdity, the flattered silliness, the +senile coquettishness, of which his benign countenance was capable.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Don't mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it's nothing but--' + +LAWTON: 'Pure envy. I own it.' + +BEMIS: 'All right, Lawton. Wait till--' + +MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and +springing to her feet, all in one: 'There, have you finished, Mr. +and Mrs. Lou? Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it +down from his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have--' + +LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: 'A Gentleman of the Old +School. Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone. +Rather flattered, but--recognisable.' + +BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety: 'Go on, go on, Lawton. I +can understand your envy. I can pity it.' + +LAWTON: 'Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?' + +BEMIS: 'Yes, I could. I could give the garotter his liberty, and +present him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he +could earn an honest living for his family.' + +LAWTON, compassionately: 'You ARE pretty far gone, Bemis. Really, +I think somebody ought to go for Roberts.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, innocently: 'Yes, indeed! Why, what in the world can +be keeping him?' A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the +door with a glance. She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs. +Roberts, over her shoulder: 'That ridiculous great boy of mine says +he can't go to sleep unless I come and kiss him good-night.' + +LAWTON: 'Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?--Roberts, or +Campbell? But I didn't know they had gone to bed!' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'You are too bad, papa! You know it's little Neddy.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing: 'Oh, I don't mind his nonsense, Lou. I'll +fetch them both back with me.' + +LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners +at the doors: 'Now, friends, I have a revelation to make in Mrs. +Roberts's absence. I have found out the garotter--the assassin.' + +ALL THE OTHERS: 'What!' + +LAWTON: 'He has been secured--' + +MRS. CRASHAW, severely: 'Well, I'm very glad of it.' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'By the police?' + +MRS. BEMIS, incredulously: 'Papa!' + +BEMIS: 'But there were several of them. Have they all been +arrested?' + +LAWTON: 'There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Where is he, then?' + +LAWTON: 'In this house.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friends--I +shouldn't like to say HOW old--but if you don't instantly be +serious, I--I'll carry my rheumatism to somebody else.' + +LAWTON: 'My DEAR Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that +rheumatism of yours! I will be serious--I will be only too serious. +The garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.' + +ALL, horror-struck: 'Oh!' + +LAWTON: 'He went out without his watch. He thought he was robbed, +but he wasn't. He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend +Bemis here, and took Bemis's watch away, and brought it home for his +own.' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'Yes, but--' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'But, papa--' + +BEMIS: 'How do you know it? I can see how such a thing might +happen, but--how do you know it DID?' + +LAWTON: 'I divined it.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Nonsense!' + +LAWTON: 'Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the +Advertiser a year ago. It occurs annually--in the newspapers. And +I'll tell you what, Mrs. Crashaw--Roberts found out his mistake as +soon as he went to his dressing-room; and that ingenious nephew of +yours, who's closeted with him there, has been trying to put him up +to something--to some game.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis has too much sense. He would know that +Edward couldn't carry out any sort of game.' + +LAWTON: 'Well, then, he's getting Roberts to let HIM carry out the +game.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Edward couldn't do that either.' + +LAWTON: 'Very well, then, just wait till they come back. Will you +leave me to deal with Campbell?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What are you going to do?' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'You mustn't forget that he got us out of the +elevator, sir.' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'We might have been there yet if it hadn't been for +him, papa.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I shouldn't want Willis mortified.' + +BEMIS: 'Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed. We're fellow-sufferers in this +business.' + +LAWTON: 'Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me! I'll spare their +feelings. Don't be afraid. Ah, there they come! Now don't say +anything. I'll just step into the anteroom here.' + + + +SCENE II: MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS + + + +ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with +his guests: 'Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary! You've heard of +our comical little coincidence--our--Mr. Bemis and my--' He halts, +confused, and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who +follows hilariously. + +WILLIS: 'Greatest joke on record! But I won't spoil it for you, +Roberts. Go on!' In a low voice to Roberts: 'And don't look so +confoundedly down in the mouth. They won't think it's a joke at +all.' + +ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness: 'Yes, yes--such a joke! Well, +you see--you see--' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'See WHAT, Edward? DO get it out!' + +WILLIS, jollily: 'Ah, ha, ha!' + +ROBERTS, lugubriously: 'Ah, ha, ha!' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'How funny! Ha, ha, ha!' + +YOUNG MR. BEMIS: 'Capital! capital!' + +BEMIS: 'Excellent!' + +WILLIS: 'Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die! Ah, ha, ha!' + +ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis: 'Where was I? +I can't go on unless I know where I was.' + +WILLIS, sotto voce to Roberts: 'You weren't anywhere! For Heaven's +sake, make a start!' + +ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively: 'Ha, ha, ha! I supposed all +the time, you know, that I had been robbed, and--and--' + +WILLIS: 'Go on! GO on!' + +ROBERTS, whispering: 'I can't do it--' + +WILLIS, whispering: 'You've GOT to! You're the beaver that clomb +the tree. Laugh naturally, now!' + +ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a +laugh: 'And then I ran after the man--' He stops, and regards Mr. +Bemis with a ghastly stare. + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'What is the matter with you, Edward? Are you sick?' + +WILLIS: 'Sick? No! Can't you see that he can't get over the joke +of the thing? It's killing him.' To Roberts: 'Brace up, old man! +You're doing it splendidly.' + +ROBERTS, hopelessly: 'And then the other man--the man that had +robbed me--the man that I had pursued--ugh!' + +WILLIS: 'Well, it is too much for him. I shall have to tell it +myself, I see.' + +ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself: 'And so--so--this +man--man--ma--' + +WILLIS: 'Oh, good Lord--' Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the +anteroom and confronts him. 'Oh, the devil!' + +LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him: 'Which +means that you forgot I was coming.' + +WILLIS: 'Doctor, you read a man's symptoms at a glance.' + +LAWTON: 'Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr. +Campbell.' + +WILLIS: 'Why don't you advertise, Doctor? Patients need only +enclose a lock of their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one +dollar to pay the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full +directions for treatment, by return mail. Seventh son of a seventh +son.' + +LAWTON: 'Ah, don't try to jest it away, my poor friend. This is +one of those obscure diseases of the heart--induration of the +pericardium--which, if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness +above all things, and desperate wickedness.' + +WILLIS: 'Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?' + +LAWTON: 'Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?' + +WILLIS: '_I_ don't know what you're up to.' He shrugs his +shoulders and walks up the room. + +LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of +Campbell: '_I_ don't know what your little game is.' They return +together, and stop, confronting each other. + +WILLIS: 'But if you think I'm going to give myself away--' + +LAWTON: 'If you suppose I'm going to take you at your own figure--' +They walk up the room together, and return as before. + +WILLIS: 'Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?' + +MRS. BEMIS, tittering: 'Oh, I'm sure _I_ can't tell.' + +WILLIS: 'Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine. Can't you +give me some sort of clue?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted +anybody's help.' + +WILLIS, sighing: 'Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan. Here I +come to join a company of friends at the fireside of a burgled +brother-in-law, and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.' +Suddenly, after a moment: 'Oh, I understand. Why, I ought to have +seen at once. But no matter--it's just as well. I'm sure that we +shall hear Dr. Lawton leniently, and make allowance for his well- +known foible. Roberts is bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr. +Bemis is the father-in-law of his daughter.' + +MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay: 'Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you +mean?' + +WILLIS: 'Simply that the mystery is solved--the double garotter is +discovered. I'm sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to +deal harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who +robbed Mr. Roberts and Mr. Bemis. All that they ask is to have +their watches back. Go on, Doctor! How will that do, Aunt Mary, +for a little flyer?' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!' +She embraces him with joyous pride. + +ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously: 'But, my dear Willis--' + +WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to +his place: 'We can't let you talk now. I've no doubt you'll be +considerate, and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor. Go on, +Doctor! Free your mind! Don't be afraid of telling the whole +truth! It will be better for you in the end.' He rubs his hands +gleefully, and then thrusting the points of them into his waistcoat +pockets, stands beaming triumphantly upon Lawton. + +LAWTON: 'Do you think so?' With well-affected trepidation 'Well, +friends, if I must confess this--this--' + +WILLIS: 'High-handed outrage. Go on.' + +LAWTON: 'I suppose I must. I shall not expect mercy for myself; +perhaps you'll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I don't +deserve it. But I had an accomplice--a young man very respectably +connected, and who, whatever his previous life may have been, had +managed to keep a good reputation; a young man a little apt to be +misled by overweening vanity and the ill-advised flattery of his +friends; but I hope that neither of you gentlemen will be hard upon +him, but will consider his youth, and perhaps his congenital moral +and intellectual deficiencies, even when you find your watches--on +Mr. Campbell's person.' He leans forward, rubbing his hands, and +smiling upon Campbell, 'How will that do, Mr. Campbell, for a +flyer?' + +WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: 'One ahead, Aunt Mary?' + +LAWTON, clasping him by the hand: 'No, generous youth--even!' They +shake hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and +joining in the general laugh. + +BEMIS, coming forward jovially: 'Well, now, I gladly forgive you +both--or whoever DID rob me--if you'll only give me back my watch.' + +WILLIS: '_I_ haven't got your watch.' + +LAWTON: 'Nor I.' + +ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward: 'I--I have +it, Mr. Bemis.' He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and hands +it to Bemis. Then, visiting the other: 'And what's worse, I have +my own. I don't know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for +my extraordinary behaviour. Willis thought you might finally see it +as a joke, and I've done my best to pass it off lightly--' + +WILLIS: 'And you succeeded. You had all the lightness of a sick +hippopotamus.' + +ROBERTS: 'I'm afraid so. I'll have the chain mended, of course. +But when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing- +table, and when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and +supposed I had been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours--' + +WILLIS: 'Being a man of the most violent temper and the most +desperate courage--' + +ROBERTS: 'But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn't hurt you +seriously?' + +BEMIS: 'Not at all--not the least.' Shaking him cordially by both +hands: 'I'm all right. Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with +her skilful needle; I've got on one of your best neckties, and this +lace handkerchief of your wife's, which I'm going to keep for a +souvenir of the most extraordinary adventure of my life--' + +LAWTON: 'Oh, it's an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts +in his character of MORAL hero. He 'done' it with his little +hatchet, but he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right +before he owned up.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, appearing: 'Who, Willis?' + +WILLIS: 'A very great and good man--George Washington.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I thought you meant Edward.' + +WILLIS: 'Well, I don't suppose there IS much difference.' + +MRS. CRASHAW: 'The robber has been caught, Agnes.' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'Caught? Nonsense! You don't mean it! How can you +trifle with such a subject? I know you are joking! Who is it?' + +YOUNG BEMIS: 'You never could guess--' + +MRS. BEMIS: 'Never in the world!' + +MRS. ROBERTS: 'I don't wish to. But oh, Mr. Bemis, I've just come +from my own children, and you must be merciful to his family!' + +BEMIS: 'For your sake, dear lady, I will.' + +BELLA, between the portieres: 'Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.' + +MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis's arm: 'Oh, then +you must go in with me, and tell me all about it.' + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of The Garotters, by William D. Howells + diff --git a/old/gartt10.zip b/old/gartt10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4205a4c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gartt10.zip |