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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Garotters, by William D. Howells
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Garotters
+
+
+Author: William D. Howells
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 24, 2014  [eBook #3237]
+[This file was first posted on 5 February 2001]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1897 David Douglas edition by David Price, email
+ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+                          [Picture: Book cover]
+
+
+
+
+
+                              THE GAROTTERS
+
+
+                                    BY
+
+                            WILLIAM D. HOWELLS
+
+                      [Picture: Decorative graphic]
+
+                            _Author’s Edition_
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+                                EDINBURGH
+                       DAVID DOUGLAS, CASTLE STREET
+                                   1897
+
+               _For leave to act_, _apply to the publisher_
+
+                          _All rights reserved_
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+              EDINBURGH: Printed by T. and A. CONSTABLE for
+                              DAVID DOUGLAS
+
+                    LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL AND CO.
+
+
+
+
+PART FIRST
+
+
+I
+MRS. ROBERTS; THEN MR. ROBERTS
+
+
+AT the window of her apartment in Hotel Bellingham, Mrs. Roberts stands
+looking out into the early nightfall.  A heavy snow is driving without,
+and from time to time the rush of the wind and the sweep of the flakes
+against the panes are heard.  At the sound of hurried steps in the
+anteroom, Mrs. Roberts turns from the window, and runs to the _portière_,
+through which she puts her head.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Is that you, Edward?  So dark here!  We ought really to
+keep the gas turned up all the time.’
+
+MR. ROBERTS, in a muffled voice, from without: ‘Yes, it’s I.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, hurry in to the fire, do!  Ugh, what a storm!  Do
+you suppose anybody will come?  You must be half frozen, you poor thing!
+Come quick, or you’ll certainly perish!’  She flies from the _portière_
+to the fire burning on the hearth, pokes it, flings on a log, jumps back,
+brushes from her dress with a light shriek the sparks driven out upon it,
+and continues talking incessantly in a voice lifted for her husband to
+hear in the anteroom.  ‘If I’d dreamed it was any such storm as this, I
+should never have let you go out in it in the world.  It wasn’t at all
+necessary to have the flowers.  I could have got on perfectly well, and I
+believe _now_ the table would look better without them.  The
+chrysanthemums would have been quite enough; and I know you’ve taken more
+cold.  I could tell it by your voice as soon as you spoke; and just as
+quick as they’re gone to-night I’m going to have you bathe your feet in
+mustard and hot water, and take eight of aconite, and go straight to bed.
+And I don’t want you to eat very much at dinner, dear, and you must be
+sure not to drink any coffee, or the aconite won’t be of the least use.’
+She turns and encounters her husband, who enters through the _portière_,
+his face pale, his eyes wild, his white necktie pulled out of knot, and
+his shirt front rumpled.  ‘Why, Edward, what in the world is the matter?
+What has happened?’
+
+ROBERTS, sinking into a chair: ‘Get me a glass of water,
+Agnes—wine—whisky—brandy—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, bustling wildly about: ‘Yes, yes.  But what—Bella!
+Bridget!  Maggy!—Oh, I’ll go for it myself, and I _won’t_ stop to listen!
+Only—only don’t die!’  While Roberts remains with his eyes shut, and his
+head sunk on his breast in token of extreme exhaustion, she disappears
+and reappears through the door leading to her chamber, and then through
+the _portière_ cutting off the dining-room.  She finally descends upon
+her husband with a flagon of cologne in one hand, a small decanter of
+brandy in the other, and a wineglass held in the hollow of her arm
+against her breast.  She contrives to set the glass down on the mantel
+and fill it from the flagon, then she turns with the decanter in her
+hand, and while she presses the glass to her husband’s lips, begins to
+pour the brandy on his head.  ‘Here! this will revive you, and it’ll
+refresh you to have this cologne on your head.’
+
+ROBERTS, rejecting a mouthful of the cologne with a furious sputter, and
+springing to his feet: ‘Why, you’ve given me the cologne to _drink_,
+Agnes!  What are you about?  Do you want to poison me?  Isn’t it enough
+to be robbed at six o’clock on the Common, without having your head
+soaked in brandy, and your whole system scented up like a barber’s shop,
+when you get home?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Robbed?’  She drops the wineglass, puts the decanter down
+on the hearth, and carefully bestowing the flagon of cologne in the
+wood-box, abandons herself to justice: ‘Then let them come for me at
+once, Edward!  If I could have the heart to send you out in such a night
+as this for a few wretched rosebuds, I’m quite equal to poisoning you.
+Oh, Edward, _who_ robbed you?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘That’s what I don’t know.’  He continues to wipe his head with
+his handkerchief, and to sputter a little from time to time.  ‘All I know
+is that when I got—phew!—to that dark spot by the Frog Pond, just
+by—phew!—that little group of—phew!—evergreens, you know—phew!—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; go on!  I can bear it, Edward.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘—a man brushed heavily against me, and then hurried on in the
+other direction.  I had unbuttoned my coat to look at my watch under the
+lamp-post, and after he struck against me I clapped my hand to my
+waistcoat, and—phew!—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Waistcoat!  Yes!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘—found my watch gone.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘What!  Your watch?  The watch Willis gave you?  Made out
+of the gold that he mined himself when he first went out to California?
+Don’t ask me to believe it, Edward!  But I’m only too glad that you
+escaped with your life.  Let them have the watch and welcome.  Oh, nay
+dear, dear husband!’  She approaches him with extended arms, and then
+suddenly arrests herself.  ‘But you’ve got it on!’
+
+ROBERTS, with as much returning dignity as can comport with his
+dishevelled appearance: ‘Yes; I took it from him.’  At his wife’s
+speechless astonishment: ‘I went after him and took it from him.’  He
+sits down, and continues with resolute calm, while his wife remains
+standing before him motionless: ‘Agnes, I don’t know how I came to do it.
+I wouldn’t have believed I could do it.  I’ve never thought that I had
+much courage—physical courage; but when I felt my watch was gone, a sort
+of frenzy came over me.  I wasn’t hurt; and for the first time in my life
+I realised what an abominable outrage theft was.  The thought that at six
+o’clock in the evening, in the very heart of a great city like Boston, an
+inoffensive citizen could be assaulted and robbed, made me furious.  I
+didn’t call out.  I simply buttoned my coat tight round me and turned and
+ran after the fellow.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Yes, I did.  He hadn’t got half-a-dozen rods away—it all took
+place in a flash—and I could easily run him down.  He was considerably
+larger than I—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘—and he looked young and very athletic; but these things didn’t
+seem to make any impression on me.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I wonder that you live to tell the tale, Edward!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Well, I wonder a little at myself.  I don’t set up for a great
+deal of—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘But I always knew you had it!  Go on.  Oh, when I tell
+Willis of this!  Had the robber any accomplices?  Were there many of
+them?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I only saw one.  And I saw that my only chance was to take him
+at a disadvantage.  I sprang upon him, and pulled him over on his back.
+I merely said, “I’ll trouble you for that watch of mine, if you please,”
+jerked open his coat, snatched the watch from his pocket—I broke the
+chain, I see—and then left him and ran again.  He didn’t make the
+slightest resistance nor utter a word.  Of course it wouldn’t do for him
+to make any noise about it, and I dare say he was glad to get off so
+easily.’  With affected nonchalance: ‘I’m pretty badly rumpled, I see.
+He fell against me, and a scuffle like that doesn’t improve one’s
+appearance.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, very solemnly: ‘Edward!  I don’t know what to say!  Of
+course it makes my blood run cold to realise what you have been through,
+and to think what might have happened; but I think you behaved
+splendidly.  Why, I never heard of such perfect heroism!  You needn’t
+tell _me_ that he made no resistance.  There was a deadly struggle—your
+necktie and everything about you shows it.  And you needn’t think there
+was only one of them—’
+
+ROBERTS, modestly: ‘I don’t believe there was more.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Nonsense!  There are _always_ two!  I’ve read the accounts
+of those garottings.  And to think you not only got out of their clutches
+alive, but got your property back—Willis’s watch!  Oh, what _will_ Willis
+say?  But I know how proud of you he’ll be.  Oh, I wish I could scream it
+from the house-tops.  Why didn’t you call the police?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I didn’t think—I hadn’t time to think.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘No matter.  I’m glad you have _all_ the glory of it.  I
+don’t believe you half realise what you’ve been through now.  And perhaps
+this was the robbers’ first attempt, and it will be a lesson to them.  Oh
+yes!  I’m glad you let them escape, Edward.  They may have families.  If
+every one behaved as you’ve done, there would soon be an end of
+garotting.  But, oh!  I can’t bear to think of the danger you’ve run.
+And I want you to promise me never, never to undertake such a thing
+again!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Well, I don’t know—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; you must!  Suppose you had got killed in that
+awful struggle with those reckless wretches tugging to get away from you!
+Think of the children!  Why, you might have burst a blood-vessel!  Will
+you promise, Edward?  Promise this instant, on your bended knees, just as
+if you were in a court of justice!’  Mrs. Roberts’s excitement mounts,
+and she flings herself at her husband’s feet, and pulls his face down to
+hers with the arm she has thrown about his neck.  ‘Will you promise?’
+
+
+
+II
+MRS. CRASHAW; MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, entering unobserved: ‘Promise you what, Agnes?  The man
+doesn’t smoke _now_.  What more can you ask?’  She starts back from the
+spectacle of Roberts’s disordered dress.  ‘Why, what’s happened to you,
+Edward?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, springing to her feet: ‘Oh, you may well ask that, Aunt
+Mary!  Happened?  You ought to fall down and worship him!  And you _will_
+when you know what he’s been through.  He’s been robbed!’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Robbed?  What nonsense!  Who robbed him?  _Where_ was he
+robbed?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘He was attacked by two garotters—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘No, no—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t speak, Edward!  I _know_ there were two.  On the
+Common.  Not half an hour ago.  As he was going to get me some rosebuds.
+In the midst of this terrible storm.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Is this true, Edward?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t answer, Edward!  One of the band threw his arm round
+Edward’s neck—so.’  She illustrates by garotting Mrs. Crashaw, who
+disengages herself with difficulty.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Mercy, child!  What _are_ you doing to my lace?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And the other one snatched his watch, and ran as fast as
+he could.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis’s watch?  Why, he’s got it on.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, with proud delight: ‘Exactly what I said when he told me.’
+Then, very solemnly: ‘And do you know _why_ he’s got it on?—’Sh, Edward!
+I _will_ tell!  Because he ran after them and took it back again.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Why, they might have killed him!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Of _course_ they might.  But _Edward_ didn’t care.  The
+idea of being robbed at six o’clock on the Common made him so furious
+that he scorned to cry out for help, or call the police, or anything; but
+he just ran after them—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Agnes!  Agnes!  There was only _one_.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Nonsense, Edward!  How could you tell, so excited as you
+were?—And caught hold of the largest of the wretches—a perfect young
+giant—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘No, no; not a _giant_, my dear.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, he was _young_, anyway!—And flung him on the
+ground.’  She advances upon Mrs. Crashaw in her enthusiasm.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Don’t you fling _me_ on the ground, Agnes!  I won’t have
+it.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And tore his coat open, while all the rest were tugging at
+him, and snatched his watch, and then—and then just walked coolly away.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘No, my dear; I ran as fast as I could.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Well, _ran_.  It’s quite the same thing, and I’m just as
+proud of you as if you had walked.  Of course you were not going to throw
+your life away.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think he did a very silly thing in going after them at
+all.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Why, of course, if I’d thought twice about it, I shouldn’t have
+done it.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Of course you wouldn’t, dear!  And that’s what I want him
+to promise, Aunt Mary: never to do it again, no matter _how_ much he’s
+provoked.  I want him to promise it right here in your presence, Aunt
+Mary!’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think it’s much more important he should put on another
+collar and—shirt, if he’s going to see company.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes; go right off at once, Edward.  How you _do_ think of
+things, Aunt Mary!  I really suppose I should have gone on all night and
+never noticed his looks.  Run, Edward, and do it, dear.  But—kiss me
+first!  Oh, it _don’t_ seem as if you could be alive and well after it
+all!  Are you sure you’re not hurt?’
+
+ROBERTS, embracing her: ‘No; I’m all right.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And you’re not injured internally?  Sometimes they’re
+injured internally—aren’t they, Aunt Mary?—and it doesn’t show till
+months afterwards.  Are you sure?’
+
+ROBERTS, making a cursory examination of his ribs with his hands: ‘Yes, I
+think so.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And you don’t feel any bad effects from the cologne _now_?
+Just think, Aunt Mary, I gave him cologne to drink, and poured the brandy
+on his head, when he came in!  But I was determined to keep calm,
+whatever I did.  And if I’ve poisoned him I’m quite willing to die for
+it—oh, quite!  I would gladly take the blame of it before the whole
+world.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Well, for pity’s sake, let the man go and make himself
+decent.  There’s your bell now.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, do go, Edward.  But—kiss me—’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘He _did_ kiss you, Agnes.  Don’t be a simpleton!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Did he?  Well, kiss me again, then, Edward.  And now do
+go, dear.  M-m-m-m.’  The inarticulate endearments represented by these
+signs terminate in a wild embrace, protracted halfway across the room, in
+the height of which Mr. Willis Campbell enters.
+
+
+
+III
+MR. CAMPBELL, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+WILLIS, pausing in contemplation: ‘Hello!  What’s the matter?  What’s she
+trying to get out of you, Roberts?  Don’t you do it, anyway, old fellow.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in an ecstasy of satisfaction: ‘Willis!  Oh, you’ve come in
+time to see him just as he is.  Look at him, Willis!’  In the excess of
+her emotion she twitches her husband about, and with his arm fast in her
+clutch, presents him in the disadvantageous effect of having just been
+taken into custody.  Under these circumstances Roberts’s attempt at an
+expression of diffident heroism fails; he looks sneaking, he looks
+guilty, and his eyes fall under the astonished regard of his
+brother-in-law.
+
+WILLIS: ‘What’s the matter with him?  What’s he been doing?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘’Sh, Edward!  What’s he been doing?  What does he look as
+if he had been doing?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘He looks as if he had been signing the pledge.  And he—smells
+like it.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘For shame, Willis!  I should think you’d sink through the
+floor.  Edward, not a word!  I _am_ ashamed of him, if he _is_ my
+brother.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Why, what in the world’s up, Agnes?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Up?  He’s been _robbed_!—robbed on the Common, not five
+minutes ago!  A whole gang of garotters surrounded him under the Old
+Elm—or just where it used to be—and took his watch away!  And he ran
+after them, and knocked the largest of the gang down, and took it back
+again.  He wasn’t hurt, but we’re afraid he’s been injured internally; he
+may be bleeding internally _now_—Oh, do you think he is, Willis?  Don’t
+you think we ought to send for a physician?—That, and the cologne I gave
+him to drink.  It’s the brandy I poured on his head makes him smell so.
+And he all so exhausted he couldn’t speak, and I didn’t know what I was
+doing, either; but he’s promised—oh yes, he’s promised!—never, never to
+do it again.’  She again flings her arms about her husband, and then
+turns proudly to her brother.
+
+WILLIS: ‘Do you know what it means, Aunt Mary?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Not in the least!  But I’ve no doubt that Edward can
+explain, after he’s changed his linen—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh yes, do go, Edward!  Not but what I should be proud and
+happy to have you appear just as you are before the whole world, if it
+was only to put Willis down with his jokes about your absent-mindedness,
+and his boasts about those California desperadoes of his.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Come, come, Agnes!  I _must_ protest against your—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I know it doesn’t become me to praise your courage,
+darling!  But I should like to know what Willis would have done, with all
+his California experience, if a garotter had taken his watch?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘I should have let him keep it, and pay five dollars a quarter
+himself for getting it cleaned and spoiled.  Anybody but a literary man
+would.  How many of them were there, Roberts?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I only saw one.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘But of course there were more.  How could he tell, in the
+dark and excitement?  And the one he did see was a perfect giant; so you
+can imagine what the rest must have been like.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Did you really knock him down?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Knock him down?  Of course he did.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, _will_ you hold your tongue, and let the men
+alone?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, whimpering: ‘I can’t, Aunt Mary.  And you couldn’t, if it
+was yours.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I pulled him over backwards.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘There, Willis!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And grabbed your watch from him?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I was in quite a frenzy; I really hardly knew what I was
+doing—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And he didn’t call for the police, or anything—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Ah, that showed presence of mind!  He knew it wouldn’t have been
+any use.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And when he had got his watch away from them, he just let
+them go, because they had families dependent on them.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘I should have let them go in the first place, but you behaved
+handsomely in the end, Roberts; there’s no denying that.  And when you
+came in she gave you cologne to drink, and poured brandy on your head.
+It must have revived you.  I should think it would wake the dead.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I was all excitement, Willis—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘No, I should think from the fact that you had set the decanter
+here on the hearth, and put your cologne into the wood-box, you were
+perfectly calm, Agnes.’  He takes them up and hands them to her.  ‘Quite
+as calm as usual.’  The door-bell rings.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis, _will_ you let that ridiculous man go away and
+make himself presentable before people begin to come?’  The bell rings
+violently, peal upon peal.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, my goodness, what’s that?  It’s the garotters—I know
+it is; and we shall all be murdered in our beds!’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What in the world can it—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Why don’t your girl answer the bell, Agnes?  Or I’ll go myself.’
+The bell rings violently again.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_No_, Willis, you sha’n’t!  Don’t leave me, Edward!  Aunt
+Mary!—Oh, if we _must_ die, let us all die together!  Oh, my poor
+children!  Ugh!  What’s that?’  The servant-maid opens the outer door,
+and uttering a shriek, rushes in through the drawing-room _portière_.
+
+BELLA THE MAID: ‘Oh, my goodness!  Mrs. Roberts, it’s Mr. Bemis!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Which Mr. Bemis?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘What’s the matter with him?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Why doesn’t she show him in?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Has _he_ been garotting somebody too?’
+
+
+
+SCENE IV: MR. BEMIS, MR. CAMPBELL, MR. AND MRS. ROBERTS
+
+
+BEMIS, appearing through the _portière_: ‘I—I beg your pardon, Mrs.
+Roberts.  I oughtn’t to present myself in this state—I—  But I thought
+I’d better stop on my way home and report, so that my son needn’t be
+alarmed at my absence when he comes.  I—’  He stops, exhausted, and
+regards the others with a wild stare, while they stand taking note of his
+disordered coat, his torn vest, and his tumbled hat.  ‘I’ve just been
+robbed—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Robbed?  Why, _Edward_ has been robbed too.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘—coming through the Common—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Yes, _Edward_ was coming through the Common.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘—of my watch—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in rapturous admiration of the coincidence: ‘Oh, and it was
+Edward’s _watch_ they took!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘It’s a parallel case, Agnes.  Pour him out a glass of cologne to
+drink, and rub his head with brandy.  And you might let him sit down and
+rest while you’re enjoying the excitement.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, in hospitable remorse: ‘Oh, what am I thinking of!  Here,
+Edward—or no, you’re too weak, you mustn’t.  Willis, _you_ help me to
+help him to the sofa.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I think you’d better help him off with his overcoat and
+his arctics.’  To the maid: ‘Here, Bella, if you haven’t quite taken
+leave of your wits, undo his shoes.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘_I’ll_ help him off with his coat—’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Careful! careful!  I may be injured internally.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, if you only _were_, Mr. Bemis, perhaps I could
+persuade Edward that he was too: I _know_ he is.  Edward, don’t exert
+yourself!  Aunt Mary, will you _stop_ him, or do you all wish to see me
+go distracted here before your eyes?’
+
+WILLIS, examining the overcoat which Roberts has removed: ‘Well, you
+won’t have much trouble buttoning and unbuttoning this coat for the
+present.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘They tore it open, and tore my watch from my vest pocket—’
+
+WILLIS, looking at the vest: ‘I see.  Pretty lively work.  Were there
+many of them?’
+
+BEMIS: ‘There must have been two at least—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘There were half a dozen in the gang that attacked Edward.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘One of them pulled me violently over on my back—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward’s put _his_ arm round his neck and choked him.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I _know_ he did, Aunt Mary.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘And the other tore my watch out of my pocket.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_Edward’s_—’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, I’m thoroughly ashamed of you.  _Will_ you stop
+interrupting?’
+
+BEMIS: ‘And left me lying in the snow.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And then he ran after them, and snatched his watch away
+again in spite of them all; and he didn’t call for the police, or
+anything, because it was their first offence, and he couldn’t bear to
+think of their suffering families.’
+
+BEMIS, with a stare of profound astonishment: ‘Who?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Edward.  Didn’t I _say_ Edward, all the time?’
+
+BEMIS: ‘I thought you meant me.  I didn’t think of pursuing them; but you
+may be very sure that if there had been a policeman within call—of course
+there wasn’t one within cannon-shot—I should have handed the scoundrels
+over without the slightest remorse.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Oh!’  He sinks into a chair with a slight groan.
+
+WILLIS: ‘What is it?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘’Sh!  Don’t say anything.  But—stay here.  I want to speak with
+you, Willis.’
+
+BEMIS, with mounting wrath: ‘I should not have hesitated an instant to
+give the rascal in charge, no matter who was dependent upon him—no matter
+if he were my dearest friend, my own brother.’
+
+ROBERTS, under his breath: ‘Gracious powers!’
+
+BEMIS: ‘And while I am very sorry to disagree with Mr. Roberts, I can’t
+help feeling that he made a great mistake in allowing the ruffians to
+escape.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, with severity: ‘I think you are quite right, Mr. Bemis.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Probably it was the same gang attacked us both.  After escaping
+from Mr. Roberts they fell upon me.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I haven’t a doubt of it.’
+
+ROBERTS, _sotto voce_ to his brother-in-law: ‘I think I’ll ask you to go
+with me to my room, Willis.  Don’t alarm Agnes, please.  I—I feel quite
+faint.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, crestfallen: ‘I can’t feel that Edward was to blame.
+Ed—Oh, I suppose he’s gone off to make himself presentable.  But
+Willis—Where’s Willis, Aunt Mary?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Probably gone with him to help him.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, he _saw_ how unstrung poor Edward was!  Mr. Bemis, I
+think you’re quite prejudiced.  How could Edward help their escaping?  I
+think it was quite enough for him, single-handed, to get his watch back.’
+A ring at the door, and then a number of voices in the anteroom.  ‘I do
+believe they’re all there!  I’ll just run out and prepare your son.  He
+would be dreadfully shocked if he came right in upon you.’  She runs into
+the anteroom, and is heard without: ‘Oh, Dr. Lawton!  Oh, Lou dear!
+_Oh_, Mr. Bemis!  How can I ever tell you?  Your poor father!  No, no, I
+_can’t_ tell you!  You mustn’t ask me!  It’s too hideous!  And you
+wouldn’t believe me if I did.’
+
+_Chorus of anguished voices_: ‘What? what? what?’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘They’ve been robbed!  Garotted on the Common!  And, _oh_,
+Dr. Lawton, I’m so glad _you’ve_ come!  They’re both injured internally,
+but I _wish_ you’d look at Edward first.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Good heavens!  Is that Mrs. Roberts’s idea of preparing my son?
+And his poor young wife!’  He addresses his demand to Mrs. Crashaw, who
+lifts the hands of impotent despair.
+
+
+
+
+PART SECOND
+
+
+MR. ROBERTS; MR. CAMPBELL
+
+
+IN Mr. Roberts’s dressing-room, that gentleman is discovered tragically
+confronting Mr. Willis Campbell, with a watch uplifted in either hand.
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well?’
+
+ROBERTS, gasping: ‘My—my watch!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Yes.  How comes there to be two of it?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Don’t you understand?  When I went out I—didn’t take my
+watch—with me.  I left it here on my bureau.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Oh, merciful heavens! don’t you see?  Then I couldn’t have been
+robbed!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, but whose watch did you take from the fellow that didn’t
+rob you, then?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘His own!’  He abandons himself powerlessly upon a chair.  ‘Yes;
+I left my own watch here, and when that person brushed against me in the
+Common, I missed it for the first time.  I supposed he had robbed me, and
+ran after him, and—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Robbed _him_!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Yes.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Ah, ha, ha, ha!  I, hi, hi, hi!  O, ho, ho, ho!’  He yields to a
+series of these gusts and paroxysms, bowing up and down, and stamping to
+and fro, and finally sits down exhausted, and wipes the tears from his
+cheeks.  ‘Really, this thing will kill me.  What are you going to do
+about it, Roberts?’
+
+ROBERTS, with profound dejection and abysmal solemnity: ‘I don’t know,
+Willis.  Don’t you see that it must have been—that I must have robbed—Mr.
+Bemis?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Bemis!’  After a moment for tasting the fact.  ‘Why, so it was!
+Oh, Lord! oh, Lord!  And was poor old Bemis that burly ruffian? that
+bloodthirsty gang of giants? that—that—oh, Lord! oh, Lord!’  He bows his
+head upon his chair-back in complete exhaustion, demanding, feebly, as he
+gets breath for the successive questions, ‘What are you going to d-o-o-o?
+What shall you s-a-a-a-y?  How can you expla-a-ain it?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I can do nothing.  I can say nothing.  I can never explain it.
+I must go to Mr. Bemis and make a clean breast of it; but think of the
+absurdity—the ridicule!’
+
+WILLIS, after a thoughtful silence: ‘Oh, it isn’t _that_ you’ve got to
+think of.  You’ve got to think of the old gentleman’s sense of injury and
+outrage.  Didn’t you hear what he said—that he would have handed over his
+dearest friend, his own brother, to the police?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘But that was in the supposition that his dearest friend, his
+own brother, had intentionally robbed him.  You can’t imagine, Willis—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, I can imagine a great many things.  It’s all well enough for
+you to say that the robbery was a mistake; but it was a genuine case of
+garotting as far as the assault and taking the watch go.  He’s a very
+pudgicky old gentleman.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘He is.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And I don’t see how you’re going to satisfy him that it was all
+a joke.  Joke?  It _wasn’t_ a joke!  It was a real assault and a _bona
+fide_ robbery, and Bemis can prove it.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘But he would never insist—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, I don’t know about that.  He’s pretty queer, Bemis is.  You
+can’t say what an old gentleman like that will or won’t do.  If he should
+choose to carry it into court—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Court!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘It might be embarrassing.  And anyway, it would have a very
+strange look in the papers.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘The papers!  Good gracious!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Ten years from now a man that heard you mentioned would forget
+all about the acquittal, and say: “Roberts?  Oh yes!  Wasn’t he the one
+they sent to the House of Correction for garotting an old friend of his
+on the Common!”  You see, it wouldn’t do to go and make a clean breast of
+it to Bemis.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I see.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘What will you do?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I must never say anything to him about it.  Just let it go.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And keep his watch?  I don’t see how you could manage that.
+What would you do with the watch?  You might sell it, of course—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Oh no, I _couldn’t_ do that.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘You might give it away to some deserving person; but if it got
+him into trouble—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘No, no; that wouldn’t do, either.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And you can’t have it lying around; Agnes would be sure to find
+it, sooner or later.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Yes.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Besides, there’s your conscience.  Your conscience wouldn’t
+_let_ you keep Bemis’s watch away from him.  And if it would, what do you
+suppose Agnes’s conscience would do when she came to find it out?  Agnes
+hasn’t got much of a head—the want of it seems to grow upon her; but
+she’s got a conscience as big as the side of a house.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Oh, I see; I see.’
+
+WILLIS, coming up and standing over him, with his hands in his pockets:
+‘I tell you what, Roberts, you’re in a box.’
+
+ROBERTS, abjectly: ‘I know it, Willis; I know it.  What do you suggest?
+You _must_ know some way out of it.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘It isn’t a simple matter like telling them to start the elevator
+down when they couldn’t start her up.  I’ve got to think it over.’  He
+walks to and fro, Roberts’s eyes helplessly following his movements.
+‘How would it do to—No, that wouldn’t do, either.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘What wouldn’t?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Nothing.  I was just thinking—I say, you might—Or, no, you
+couldn’t.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Couldn’t what?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Nothing.  But if you were to—No; up a stump that way too.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Which way?  For mercy’s sake, my dear fellow, don’t seem to get
+a clew if you haven’t it.  It’s more than I can bear.’  He rises, and
+desperately confronts Willis in his promenade.  ‘If you see any hope at
+all—’
+
+WILLIS, stopping: ‘Why, if you were a different sort of fellow, Roberts,
+the thing would be perfectly easy.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Very well, then.  What sort of fellow do you want me to be?
+I’ll be any sort of fellow you like.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, but you couldn’t!  With that face of yours, and that
+confounded conscience of yours behind it, you would give away the whitest
+lie that was ever told.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Do you wish me to lie?  Very well, then, I will lie.  What is
+the lie?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Ah, now you’re talking like a man!  I can soon think up a lie if
+you’re game for it.  Suppose it wasn’t so very white—say a delicate
+blonde!’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I shouldn’t care if it were as black as the ace of spades.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Roberts, I honour you!  It isn’t everybody who could steal an
+old gentleman’s watch, and then be so ready to lie out of it.  Well, you
+_have_ got courage—both kinds—moral and physical.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Thank you, Willis.  Of course I don’t pretend that I should be
+willing to lie under ordinary circumstances; but for the sake of Agnes
+and the children—I don’t want any awkwardness about the matter; it would
+be the death of me.  Well, what do you wish me to say?  Be quick; I don’t
+believe I could hold out for a great while.  I don’t suppose but what Mr.
+Bemis would be reasonable, even if I—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘I’m afraid we couldn’t trust him.  The only way is for you to
+take the bull by the horns.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Yes?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘You will not only have to lie, Roberts, but you will have to
+wear an air of innocent candour at the same time.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I—I’m afraid I couldn’t manage that.  What is your idea?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, just come into the room with a laugh when we go back, and
+say, in an offhand way, “By the way, Agnes, Willis and I made a
+remarkable discovery in my dressing-room; we found my watch there on the
+bureau.  Ha, ha, ha!”  Do you think you could do it?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I—I don’t know.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Try the laugh now.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I’d rather not—now.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, try it, anyway.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Ha, ha, ha!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Once more.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Ha, ha, ha!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Pretty ghastly; but I guess you can come it.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I’ll try.  And then what?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And then you say, “I hadn’t put it on when I went out, and when
+I got after that fellow and took it back, I was simply getting somebody
+else’s watch!”  Then you hold out both watches to her, and laugh again.
+Everybody laughs, and crowds round you to examine the watches, and you
+make fun and crack jokes at your own expense all the time, and pretty
+soon old Bemis says, “Why, this is _my_ watch, _now_!” and you laugh more
+than ever—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I’m afraid I couldn’t laugh when he said that.  I don’t believe
+I could laugh.  It would make my blood run cold.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh no, it wouldn’t.  You’d be in the spirit of it by that time.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Do you think so?  Well?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And then you say, “Well, this is the most remarkable coincidence
+I ever heard of.  I didn’t get my own watch from the fellow, but I got
+yours, Mr. Bemis;” and then you hand it over to him and say, “Sorry I had
+to break the chain in getting it from him,” and then everybody laughs
+again, and—and that ends it.’
+
+ROBERTS, with a profound sigh: ‘Do you think that would end it?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Why, certainly.  It’ll put old Bemis in the wrong, don’t you
+see?  It’ll show that instead of letting the fellow escape to go and rob
+_him_, you attacked him and took Bemis’s property back from him yourself.
+Bemis wouldn’t have a word to say.  All you’ve got to do is to keep up a
+light, confident manner.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘But what if it shouldn’t put Bemis in the wrong?  What if he
+shouldn’t say or do anything that we’ve counted upon, but something
+altogether different?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, then, you must trust to inspiration, and adapt yourself to
+circumstances.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Wouldn’t it be rather more of a joke to come out with the facts
+at once?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘On you it would; and a year from now—say next Christmas—you
+could get the laugh on Bemis that way.  But if you were to risk it now,
+there’s no telling how he’d take it.  He’s so indignant he might insist
+upon leaving the house.  But with this plan of mine—’
+
+ROBERTS, in despair: ‘I couldn’t, Willis.  I don’t feel light, and I
+don’t feel confident, and I couldn’t act it.  If it were a simple lie—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, lies are never simple; they require the exercise of all your
+ingenuity.  If you want something simple, you must stick to the truth,
+and throw yourself on Bemis’s mercy.’
+
+ROBERTS, walking up and down in great distress: ‘I can’t do it; I can’t
+do it.  It’s very kind of you to think it all out for me, but’—struck by
+a sudden idea—‘Willis, why shouldn’t _you_ do it?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘I?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘You are good at those things.  You have so much _aplomb_, you
+know.  _You_ could carry it off, you know, first-rate.’
+
+WILLIS, as if finding a certain fascination in the idea: ‘Well, I don’t
+know—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘And I could chime in on the laugh.  I think I could do that if
+somebody else was doing the rest.’
+
+WILLIS, after a moment of silent reflection: ‘I _should_ like to do it.
+I should like to see how old Bemis would look when I played it on him.
+Roberts, I _will_ do it.  Not a word!  I should _like_ to do it.  Now you
+go on and hurry up your toilet, old fellow; you needn’t mind me here.
+I’ll be rehearsing.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, knocking at the door, outside: ‘Edward, are you _never_
+coming?’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Yes, yes; I’ll be there in a minute, my dear.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Yes, he’ll be there.  Run along back, and keep it going till we
+come.  Roberts, I wouldn’t take a thousand dollars for this chance.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I’m glad you like it.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Like it?  Of course I do.  Or no!  Hold on!  Wait!  It won’t do!
+No; you must take the leading part, and I’ll support you, and I’ll come
+in strong if you break down.  That’s the way we have got to work it.  You
+must make the start.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘Couldn’t you make it better, Willis?  It’s your idea.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘No; they’d be sure to suspect me, and they can’t suspect you of
+anything—you’re so innocent.  The illusion will be complete.’
+
+ROBERTS, very doubtfully: ‘Do you think so?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Yes.  Hurry up.  Let me unbutton that collar for you.’
+
+
+
+
+PART THIRD
+
+
+I
+MRS. ROBERTS, DR. LAWTON, MRS. CRASHAW, MR. BEMIS, YOUNG MR. AND MRS.
+BEMIS
+
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, surrounded by her guests, and confronting from her sofa Mr.
+Bemis, who still remains sunken in his armchair, has apparently closed an
+exhaustive recital of the events which have ended in his presence there.
+She looks round with a mixed air of self-denial and self-satisfaction to
+read the admiration of her listeners in their sympathetic countenances.
+
+DR. LAWTON, with an ironical sigh of profound impression: ‘Well, Mrs.
+Roberts, you are certainly the most lavishly hospitable of hostesses.
+Every one knows what delightful dinners you give; but these little
+dramatic episodes which you offer your guests, by way of appetizer, are
+certainly unique.  Last year an elevator stuck in the shaft with half the
+company in it, and this year a highway robbery, its daring punishment and
+its reckless repetition—what the newspapers will call “A Triple Mystery”
+when it gets to them—and both victims among our commensals!  Really, I
+don’t know what more we could ask of you, unless it were the foot-padded
+footpad himself as a commensal.  If this sort of thing should become _de
+rigueur_ in society generally, I don’t know what’s to become of people
+who haven’t your invention.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, it’s all very well to make fun now, Dr. Lawton; but if
+you had been here when they first came in—’
+
+YOUNG MRS. BEMIS: ‘Yes, indeed, I think so too, Mrs. Roberts.  If Mr.
+Bemis—Alfred, I mean—and papa hadn’t been with me when you came out there
+to prepare us, I don’t know what I should have done.  I should certainly
+have died, or gone through the floor.’  She looks fondly up into the face
+of her husband for approval, where he stands behind her chair, and
+furtively gives him her hand for pressure.’
+
+YOUNG MR. BEMIS: ‘Somebody ought to write to the Curwens—Mrs. Curwen,
+that is—about it.’
+
+MRS. BEMIS, taking away her hand: ‘Oh yes, papa, _do_ write!’
+
+LAWTON: ‘I will, my dear.  Even Mrs. Curwen, dazzling away in another
+sphere—hemisphere—and surrounded by cardinals and all the other celestial
+lights there at Rome, will be proud to exploit this new evidence of
+American enterprise.  I can fancy the effect she will produce with it.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘And the Millers—what a shame they couldn’t come!  How
+excited they would have been!—that is, Mrs. Miller.  Is their baby very
+bad, Doctor?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Well, vaccination is always a very serious thing—with a first
+child.  I should say, from the way Mrs. Miller feels about it, that
+Miller wouldn’t be able to be out for a week to come yet.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, how ridiculous you are, Doctor!’
+
+BEMIS, rising feebly from his chair: ‘Well, now that it’s all explained,
+Mrs. Roberts, I think I’d better go home; and if you’ll kindly have them
+telephone for a carriage—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘_No_, indeed, Mr. Bemis!  We shall not let you go.  Why,
+the _idea_!  You must stay and take dinner with us, just the same.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘But in this state—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Oh, never mind the _state_.  You look perfectly well; and
+if you insist upon going, I shall know that you bear a grudge against
+Edward for not arresting him.  Wait!  We can put you in perfect order in
+just a second.’  She flies out of the room, and then comes swooping back
+with a needle and thread, a fresh white necktie, a handkerchief, and a
+hair-brush.  ‘There!  I can’t let you go to Edward’s dressing-room,
+because he’s there himself, and the children are in mine, and we’ve had
+to put the new maid in the guest-chamber—you _are_ rather cramped in
+flats, that’s true; that’s the worst of them—but if you don’t mind having
+your toilet made in public, like the King of France—’
+
+BEMIS, entering into the spirit of it: ‘Not the least; but—’  He laughs,
+and drops back into his chair.
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, distributing the brush to young Mr. Bemis, and the tie to
+his wife, and dropping upon her knees before Mr. Bemis: ‘Now, Mrs. Lou,
+you just whip off that crumpled tie and whip on the fresh one, and,
+_Mister_ Lou, you give his hair a touch, and I’ll have this torn
+button-hole mended before you can think.’  She seizes it and begins to
+sew vigorously upon it.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Agnes, you are the most ridiculously sensible woman in the
+country.’
+
+LAWTON, standing before the group, with his arms folded and his feet well
+apart, in an attitude of easy admiration: ‘The Wounded Adonis, attended
+by the Loves and Graces.  Familiar Pompeiian fresco.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, looking around at him: ‘I don’t see a great many Loves.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘She ignores us, Mrs. Crashaw.  And after what you’ve just said!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Then why don’t you do something?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘The Loves _never_ do anything—in frescoes.  They stand round and
+sympathise.  Besides, we are waiting to administer an anæsthetic.  But
+what I admire in this subject even more than the activity of the Graces
+is the serene dignity of the Adonis.  I have seen my old friend in many
+trying positions, but I never realised till now all the simpering
+absurdity, the flattered silliness, the senile coquettishness, of which
+his benign countenance was capable.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Don’t mind him a bit, Mr. Bemis; it’s nothing but—’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Pure envy.  I own it.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘All right, Lawton.  Wait till—’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, making a final stitch, snapping off the thread, and
+springing to her feet, all in one: ‘There, have you finished, Mr. and
+Mrs. Lou?  Well, then, take this lace handkerchief, and draw it down from
+his neck and pin it in his waistcoat, and you have—’
+
+LAWTON, as Mr. Bemis rises to his feet: ‘A Gentleman of the Old School.
+Bemis, you look like a miniature of yourself by Malbone.  Rather
+flattered, but—recognisable.’
+
+BEMIS, with perfectly recovered gaiety: ‘Go on, go on, Lawton.  I can
+understand your envy.  I can pity it.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Could you forgive Roberts for not capturing the garotter?’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Yes, I could.  I could give the garotter his liberty, and present
+him with an admission to the Provident Woodyard, where he could earn an
+honest living for his family.’
+
+LAWTON, compassionately: ‘You _are_ pretty far gone, Bemis.  Really, I
+think somebody ought to go for Roberts.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, innocently: ‘Yes, indeed!  Why, what in the world can be
+keeping him?’  A nursemaid enters and beckons Mrs. Roberts to the door
+with a glance.  She runs to her; they whisper; and then Mrs. Roberts,
+over her shoulder: ‘That ridiculous great boy of mine says he can’t go to
+sleep unless I come and kiss him good-night.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Which ridiculous great boy, I wonder?—Roberts, or Campbell?  But
+I didn’t know they had gone to bed!’
+
+MRS. BEMIS: ‘You are too bad, papa!  You know it’s little Neddy.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, vanishing: ‘Oh, I don’t mind his nonsense, Lou.  I’ll fetch
+them both back with me.’
+
+LAWTON, after making a melodramatic search for concealed listeners at the
+doors: ‘Now, friends, I have a revelation to make in Mrs. Roberts’s
+absence.  I have found out the garotter—the assassin.’
+
+ALL THE OTHERS: ‘What!’
+
+LAWTON: ‘He has been secured—’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW, severely: ‘Well, I’m very glad of it.’
+
+YOUNG BEMIS: ‘By the police?’
+
+MRS. BEMIS, incredulously: ‘Papa!’
+
+BEMIS: ‘But there were several of them.  Have they all been arrested?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘There was only one, and none of him has been arrested.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Where is he, then?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘In this house.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Now, Dr. Lawton, you and I are old friends—I shouldn’t
+like to say _how_ old—but if you don’t instantly be serious, I—I’ll carry
+my rheumatism to somebody else.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘My _dear_ Mrs. Crashaw, you know how much I prize that
+rheumatism of yours!  I will be serious—I will be only too serious.  The
+garotter is Mr. Roberts himself.’
+
+ALL, horror-struck: ‘Oh!’
+
+LAWTON: ‘He went out without his watch.  He thought he was robbed, but he
+wasn’t.  He ran after the supposed thief, our poor friend Bemis here, and
+took Bemis’s watch away, and brought it home for his own.’
+
+YOUNG BEMIS: ‘Yes, but—’
+
+MRS. BEMIS: ‘But, papa—’
+
+BEMIS: ‘How do you know it?  I can see how such a thing might happen,
+but—how do you know it _did_?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘I divined it.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Nonsense!’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Very well, then, I read of just such a ease in the _Advertiser_
+a year ago.  It occurs annually—in the newspapers.  And I’ll tell you
+what, Mrs. Crashaw—Roberts found out his mistake as soon as he went to
+his dressing-room; and that ingenious nephew of yours, who’s closeted
+with him there, has been trying to put him up to something—to some game.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis has too much sense.  He would know that Edward
+couldn’t carry out any sort of game.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Well, then, he’s getting Roberts to let _him_ carry out the
+game.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Edward couldn’t do that either.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Very well, then, just wait till they come back.  Will you leave
+me to deal with Campbell?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What are you going to do?’
+
+YOUNG BEMIS: ‘You mustn’t forget that he got us out of the elevator,
+sir.’
+
+MRS. BEMIS: ‘We might have been there yet if it hadn’t been for him,
+papa.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I shouldn’t want Willis mortified.’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Nor Mr. Roberts annoyed.  We’re fellow-sufferers in this
+business.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Oh, leave it to me, leave it to me!  I’ll spare their feelings.
+Don’t be afraid.  Ah, there they come!  Now don’t say anything.  I’ll
+just step into the anteroom here.’
+
+
+
+II
+MR. ROBERTS, MR. CAMPBELL, AND THE OTHERS
+
+
+ROBERTS, entering the room before Campbell, and shaking hands with his
+guests: ‘Ah, Mr. Bemis; Mrs. Bemis; Aunt Mary!  You’ve heard of our
+comical little coincidence—our—Mr. Bemis and my—’  He halts, confused,
+and looks around for the moral support of Willis, who follows
+hilariously.
+
+WILLIS: ‘Greatest joke on record!  But I won’t spoil it for you, Roberts.
+Go on!’  In a low voice to Roberts: ‘And don’t look so confoundedly down
+in the mouth.  They won’t think it’s a joke at all.’
+
+ROBERTS, with galvanic lightness: ‘Yes, yes—such a joke!  Well, you
+see—you see—’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘See _what_, Edward?  _Do_ get it out!’
+
+WILLIS, jollily: ‘Ah, ha, ha!’
+
+ROBERTS, lugubriously: ‘Ah, ha, ha!’
+
+MRS. BEMIS: ‘How funny!  Ha, ha, ha!’
+
+YOUNG MR. BEMIS: ‘Capital! capital!’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Excellent!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Go on, Roberts, do! or I shall die!  Ah, ha, ha!’
+
+ROBERTS, in a low voice of consternation to Willis: ‘Where was I?  I
+can’t go on unless I know where I was.’
+
+WILLIS, _sotto voce_ to Roberts: ‘You weren’t anywhere!  For Heaven’s
+sake, make a start!’
+
+ROBERTS, to the others, convulsively: ‘Ha, ha, ha!  I supposed all the
+time, you know, that I had been robbed, and—and—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Go on! _go_ on!’
+
+ROBERTS, whispering: ‘I can’t do it—’
+
+WILLIS, whispering: ‘You’ve _got_ to!  You’re the beaver that clomb the
+tree.  Laugh naturally, now!’
+
+ROBERTS, with a staccato groan, which he tries to make pass for a laugh:
+‘And then I ran after the man—’ He stops, and regards Mr. Bemis with a
+ghastly stare.
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘What is the matter with you, Edward?  Are you sick?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Sick?  No!  Can’t you see that he can’t get over the joke of the
+thing?  It’s killing him.’  To Roberts: ‘Brace up, old man!  You’re doing
+it splendidly.’
+
+ROBERTS, hopelessly: ‘And then the other man—the man that had robbed
+me—the man that I had pursued—ugh!’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, it is too much for him.  I shall have to tell it myself, I
+see.’
+
+ROBERTS, making a wild effort to command himself: ‘And so—so—this
+man—man—ma—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Oh, good Lord—’  Dr. Lawton suddenly appears from the anteroom
+and confronts him.  ‘Oh, the devil!’
+
+LAWTON, folding his arms, and fixing his eyes upon him: ‘Which means that
+you forgot I was coming.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Doctor, you read a man’s symptoms at a glance.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Yes; and I can see that you are in a bad way, Mr. Campbell.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Why don’t you advertise, Doctor?  Patients need only enclose a
+lock of their hair, and the colour of their eyes, with one dollar to pay
+the cost of materials, which will be sent, with full directions for
+treatment, by return mail.  Seventh son of a seventh son.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Ah, don’t try to jest it away, my poor friend.  This is one of
+those obscure diseases of the heart—induration of the pericardium—which,
+if not taken in time, result in deceitfulness above all things, and
+desperate wickedness.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Look here, Dr. Lawton, what are you up to?’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Look here, Mr. Campbell, what is your little game?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘_I_ don’t know what you’re up to.’  He shrugs his shoulders and
+walks up the room.
+
+LAWTON, shrugging his shoulders and walking up the room abreast of
+Campbell: ‘_I_ don’t know what your little game is.’  They return
+together, and stop, confronting each other.
+
+WILLIS: ‘But if you think I’m going to give myself away—’
+
+LAWTON: ‘If you suppose I’m going to take you at your own figure—’  They
+walk up the room together, and return as before.
+
+WILLIS: ‘Mrs. Bemis, what is this unnatural parent of yours after?’
+
+MRS. BEMIS, tittering: ‘Oh, I’m sure _I_ can’t tell.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Aunt Mary, you used to be a friend of mine.  Can’t you give me
+some sort of clue?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘I should be ashamed of you, Willis, if you accepted
+anybody’s help.’
+
+WILLIS, sighing: ‘Well, this is pretty hard on an orphan.  Here I come to
+join a company of friends at the fireside of a burgled brother-in-law,
+and I find myself in a nest of conspirators.’  Suddenly, after a moment:
+‘Oh, I understand.  Why, I ought to have seen at once.  But no
+matter—it’s just as well.  I’m sure that we shall hear Dr. Lawton
+leniently, and make allowance for his well-known foible.  Roberts is
+bound by the laws of hospitality, and Mr. Bemis is the father-in-law of
+his daughter.’
+
+MRS. BEMIS, in serious dismay: ‘Why, Mr. Campbell, what do you mean?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Simply that the mystery is solved—the double garotter is
+discovered.  I’m sorry for you, Mrs. Bemis; and no one will wish to deal
+harshly with your father when he confesses that it was he who robbed Mr.
+Roberts and Mr. Bemis.  All that they ask is to have their watches back.
+Go on, Doctor!  How will that do, Aunt Mary, for a little flyer?’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘Willis, I declare I never saw anybody like you!’  She
+embraces him with joyous pride.
+
+ROBERTS, coming forward anxiously: ‘But, my dear Willis—’
+
+WILLIS, clapping his hand over his mouth, and leading him back to his
+place: ‘We can’t let you talk now.  I’ve no doubt you’ll be considerate,
+and all that, but Dr. Lawton has the floor.  Go on, Doctor!  Free your
+mind!  Don’t be afraid of telling the whole truth!  It will be better for
+you in the end.’  He rubs his hands gleefully, and then thrusting the
+points of them into his waistcoat pockets, stands beaming triumphantly
+upon Lawton.
+
+LAWTON: ‘Do you think so?’  With well-affected trepidation ‘Well,
+friends, if I must confess this—this—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘High-handed outrage.  Go on.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘I suppose I must.  I shall not expect mercy for myself; perhaps
+you’ll say that, as an old and hardened offender, I don’t deserve it.
+But I had an accomplice—a young man very respectably connected, and who,
+whatever his previous life may have been, had managed to keep a good
+reputation; a young man a little apt to be misled by overweening vanity
+and the ill-advised flattery of his friends; but I hope that neither of
+you gentlemen will be hard upon him, but will consider his youth, and
+perhaps his congenital moral and intellectual deficiencies, even when you
+find your watches—on Mr. Campbell’s person.’  He leans forward, rubbing
+his hands, and smiling upon Campbell, ‘How will that do, Mr. Campbell,
+for a flyer?’
+
+WILLIS, turning to Mrs. Crashaw: ‘One ahead, Aunt Mary?’
+
+LAWTON, clasping him by the hand: ‘No, generous youth—even!’  They shake
+hands, clapping each other on the back with their lefts, and joining in
+the general laugh.
+
+BEMIS, coming forward jovially: ‘Well, now, I gladly forgive you both—or
+whoever _did_ rob me—if you’ll only give me back my watch.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘_I_ haven’t got your watch.’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Nor I.’
+
+ROBERTS, rather faintly, and coming reluctantly forward: ‘I—I have it,
+Mr. Bemis.’  He produces it from one waistcoat pocket and hands it to
+Bemis.  Then, visiting the other: ‘And what’s worse, I have my own.  I
+don’t know how I can ever explain it, or atone to you for my
+extraordinary behaviour.  Willis thought you might finally see it as a
+joke, and I’ve done my best to pass it off lightly—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘And you succeeded.  You had all the lightness of a sick
+hippopotamus.’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘I’m afraid so.  I’ll have the chain mended, of course.  But
+when I went out this evening I left my watch on my dressing-table, and
+when you struck against me in the Common I missed it, and supposed I had
+been robbed, and I ran after you and took yours—’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Being a man of the most violent temper and the most desperate
+courage—’
+
+ROBERTS: ‘But I hope, my dear sir, that I didn’t hurt you seriously?’
+
+BEMIS: ‘Not at all—not the least.’  Shaking him cordially by both hands:
+‘I’m all right.  Mrs. Roberts has healed all my wounds with her skilful
+needle; I’ve got on one of your best neckties, and this lace handkerchief
+of your wife’s, which I’m going to keep for a souvenir of the most
+extraordinary adventure of my life—’
+
+LAWTON: ‘Oh, it’s an old newspaper story, Bemis, I tell you.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, Aunt Mary, I wish Agnes were here now to see Roberts in
+his character of _moral_ hero.  He ‘done’ it with his little hatchet, but
+he waited to make sure that Bushrod was all right before he owned up.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, appearing: ‘Who, Willis?’
+
+WILLIS: ‘A very great and good man—George Washington.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I thought you meant Edward.’
+
+WILLIS: ‘Well, I don’t suppose there _is_ much difference.’
+
+MRS. CRASHAW: ‘The robber has been caught, Agnes.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘Caught?  Nonsense!  You don’t mean it!  How can you trifle
+with such a subject?  I know you are joking!  Who is it?’
+
+YOUNG BEMIS: ‘You never could guess—’
+
+MRS. BEMIS: ‘Never in the world!’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS: ‘I don’t wish to.  But oh, Mr. Bemis, I’ve just come from
+my own children, and you must be merciful to his family!’
+
+BEMIS: ‘For your sake, dear lady, I will.’
+
+BELLA, between the _portières_: ‘Dinner is ready, Mrs. Roberts.’
+
+MRS. ROBERTS, passing her hand through Mr. Bemis’s arm: ‘Oh, then you
+must go in with me, and tell me all about it.’
+
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GAROTTERS***
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