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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles
+Dickens, Illustrated by Hablot Knight Browne
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen
+
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2015  [eBook #918]
+[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN***
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall _Sketches by Boz_ edition by
+David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org
+
+
+
+
+
+                       SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN
+
+
+                           TO THE YOUNG LADIES
+                                  OF THE
+               United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland;
+                                   ALSO
+                             THE YOUNG LADIES
+                                    OF
+                        THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES,
+                               AND LIKEWISE
+                             THE YOUNG LADIES
+                         RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF
+                  Guernsey, Jersey, Alderney, and Sark,
+             THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,
+
+SHEWETH,—
+
+THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation, a
+work purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written by Quiz,
+illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo.
+
+THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
+Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable
+sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo
+or any other mo.
+
+THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable sex
+are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is
+not at present prepared to deny that you _are_ animals, still he humbly
+submits that it is not polite to call you so.
+
+THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described as
+Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex
+or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and
+disrespectful appellation.
+
+THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice
+prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator
+contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz,
+which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and implies
+an intention of quizzing.
+
+THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author of the
+said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by
+some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have
+acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs of your
+Honourable sex in general.
+
+THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
+slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the
+said work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young Ladies,’ your
+Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled
+‘Sketches of Young Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits your acceptance
+and approval.
+
+THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen,
+so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies;
+and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful
+language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly
+suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should
+possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex
+who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in
+swallowing the last,—prevention being in all cases better than cure, as
+we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment,
+but also of traditionary wisdom.
+
+THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no
+further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions
+issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable
+sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty of
+Number 2, without delay.
+
+                                   And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+                                         PAGE
+The Bashful Young Gentleman               403
+The Out-and-out Young Gentleman           407
+The Very Friendly Young Gentleman         410
+The Military Young Gentleman              414
+The Political Young Gentleman             418
+The Domestic Young Gentleman              421
+The Censorious Young Gentleman            424
+The Funny Young Gentleman                 427
+The Theatrical Young Gentleman            431
+The Poetical Young Gentleman              433
+The ‘Throwing-off’ Young Gentleman        436
+The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman         439
+Conclusion                                443
+
+
+
+
+THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite a
+stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly
+attracted our attention.
+
+This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise of
+light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very
+velvet-like, soft-looking countenance.  We do not use the latter term
+invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump,
+highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather
+remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or striking
+expression it presented.  His whole face was suffused with a crimson
+blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man
+ill at ease with himself.
+
+There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
+remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young
+gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs, into
+which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards us who
+were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons who
+warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed
+it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he
+dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way a fine
+little girl of six years and a quarter old—and shrouding himself behind
+some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess
+detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was
+requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and
+thirty.
+
+This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
+gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high
+respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had
+not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a
+desperate effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the
+bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random.  This
+impression was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful
+young gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view
+of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.
+
+The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings, and
+turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his
+loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.  There was nothing very bad in
+this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and say
+nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would have
+been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful
+attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen in
+the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and then
+giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with
+great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the
+unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who
+was dispensing the contents.  We thought the bashful young gentleman
+would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent
+rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.
+
+From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that it
+was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman, and so indeed it was.
+Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by
+taking wine with him, but finding that it only augmented his sufferings,
+and that after mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he
+applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of
+internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the exclusive
+care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye,
+firmly believed she had secured a listener.  He broke a glass or two in
+the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is
+inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the
+house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s hat.
+
+This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent
+characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this
+portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future
+generations, we record them here for their guidance and behoof.
+
+If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance to
+stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance,
+nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation.  His first impulse is to
+make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does until,
+observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or
+not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the
+same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary dodging and
+falling up against the other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most
+affectionately with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their
+grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very
+muddy and disordered.  The chances are that the bashful young gentleman
+then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has
+only just left off raining for the first time these three days, he
+blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing.  The
+young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with an air of
+great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; to which the
+young gentleman, without the slightest consideration, replies with many
+thanks, that she is remarkably well.  ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the
+young lady, ‘why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been
+perfectly miserable about her.’  ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman, ‘so
+she was.  Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’  The young gentleman then
+shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been smiling
+perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause, gives his glove a
+great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a strong emphasis on the
+adjective, ‘_Good_ morning, _good_ morning.’  And making a great number
+of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to his sister, walks
+backward a few paces, and comes with great violence against a lamp-post,
+knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and
+bodily pain he is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a
+carter attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile
+cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the
+satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.
+
+At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as near
+the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he smiles at
+the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward to shake
+hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition
+seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before.  He declines dancing the
+first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather wait
+a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself to be
+introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing
+furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies
+are congregated together.
+
+‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’
+Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously.  Mr. Hopkins bows, and his
+fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows,
+to make himself agreeable.  The young lady more than half expects that
+the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the bashful young
+gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has got anything to
+say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he
+has not, since nothing occurs to him.  Meanwhile, the young lady, after
+several inspections of her _bouquet_, all made in the expectation that
+the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who is
+sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman immediately
+suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be about _him_.  In
+this comfortable condition he remains until it is time to ‘stand up,’
+when murmuring a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm,
+and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that she
+has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and
+making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate failure,
+preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her
+twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in
+confusion.
+
+A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do get married
+sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to us—a married
+bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold by contrast, or
+merges her proper importance in his own insignificance.  Bashful young
+gentlemen should be cured, or avoided.  They are never hopeless, and
+never will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their
+influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth while on
+this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.
+
+
+
+
+THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+OUT-AND-OUT young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—those who
+have something to do, and those who have nothing.  I shall commence with
+the former, because that species come more frequently under the notice of
+young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to instruct.
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
+instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general
+direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a regular bang-up sort of thing.’
+For some years past, the favourite costume of the out-and-out young
+gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to
+the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or
+fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown;
+tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots.  Out of doors he sometimes
+carries a large ash stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers
+keeping his hands in his coat pockets.  He smokes at all hours, of
+course, and swears considerably.
+
+                [Picture: The out-and-out Young Gentleman]
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house or
+solicitor’s office, in which he does as little as he possibly can: his
+chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the theatres.
+In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a
+pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and
+other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford them
+the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of
+their being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially.  In
+all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to select
+each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length, and (if the
+weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees
+up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if
+any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes ample
+revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way to do it.  He
+always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his stick in the air while
+the play is proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if
+it be possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a
+little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element,
+squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner
+possible.  If they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman who has a
+family of daughters under his charge, they are like to die with laughing,
+and boast of it among their companions for a week afterwards, adding,
+that one or two of them were ‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really
+thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted
+to render the joke complete.
+
+If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of course
+he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things!)
+having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and moping
+for him.  Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, he
+cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s,
+with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or two,
+smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his
+rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses
+nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the
+way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by the
+recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu
+dinner at a fighting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place on a
+dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, which is
+probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant.
+
+As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in ladies’
+society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when they reach the
+friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him,
+remains there without being much troubled by the attentions of other
+people, until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman,
+whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind of
+free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and towards
+whom he accordingly makes his way.  Conversation being soon opened by
+some casual remark, the second out-and-outer confidentially informs the
+first, that he is one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing,
+only he couldn’t very well be off coming; to which the other replies,
+that that’s just his case—‘and I’ll tell you what,’ continues the
+out-and-outer in a whisper, ‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and
+water just now,’—‘Or a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other
+out-and-outer.
+
+The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each of
+them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands what’s
+what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially when it
+appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long
+favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ who upon divers
+occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would not have
+disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been a pretty long time about
+town—had the honour of once shaking hands with the celebrated Mr.
+Thurtell himself.
+
+At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening up
+very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud their
+intention of beginning to spend the evening—a process which is generally
+understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is
+drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out
+young gentlemen execute to perfection.  Having protracted their sitting
+until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to the
+drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters empty,
+they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, and faces
+rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the house whispers her
+friends as they waltz together, to the great terror of the whole room,
+that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in
+their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately _rather too
+wild_!’
+
+The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
+persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning any,
+enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.  These respectable gentlemen,
+without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external appearance,
+are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive characteristics,
+in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way
+into society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out young
+gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who usually pay their
+tavern bills.  As they are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty,
+intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them
+to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that
+some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are
+perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the
+light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a
+strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of
+construction.
+
+
+
+
+THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE know—and all people know—so many specimens of this class, that in
+selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number,
+we have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the
+preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory view of
+the question we had felt disposed to assign the priority.
+
+The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, but he
+attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families:
+regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, or
+some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest.  He is of any
+age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of
+children, and is expected to make himself generally useful if possible.
+Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest mode
+and the clearest.
+
+We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost
+sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety to renew our
+former intimacy—urged us to dine with him on an early day, that we might
+talk over old times.  We readily assented, adding, that we hoped we
+should be alone.  ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend, ‘not a
+soul with us but Mincin.’  ‘And who is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry.
+‘O don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, ‘he’s a most particular friend of
+mine, and a very friendly fellow you will find him;’ and so he left us.
+
+‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves at the
+house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned towards
+a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the fireplace,
+and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken.
+It required no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr.
+Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman.
+
+‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our hand
+warmly between both of his, ‘I am delighted, I am sure, to make your
+acquaintance—(here he smiled)—very much delighted indeed—(here he
+exhibited a little emotion)—I assure you that I have looked forward to it
+anxiously for a very long time:’ here he released our hands, and rubbing
+his own, observed, that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to
+perceive from our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then
+went on to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he
+had that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to
+the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of
+Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet
+seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very
+extraordinary piece of intelligence.  We ventured to remark, that we had
+a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a similar
+paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us
+confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we
+were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by putting in
+such things.  Who the deuce, he should like to know, did they suppose
+cared about them? that struck him as being the best of it.
+
+The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin’s
+friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in
+consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large
+easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully
+closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see that
+they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points, he
+expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she
+found herself to-day.  Upon the lady’s replying very well, Mr. Mincin
+(who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some general remarks
+upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us
+agreeably until dinner-time.  During the meal, he devoted himself to
+complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an
+uncommonly agreeable quartette.
+
+‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he closed
+the room door after the lady had retired, ‘you have very great reason to
+be fond of your wife.  Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!’  ‘Nay, Mincin—I
+beg,’ interposed the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper
+unquestionably was particularly sweet.  ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’  ‘Why
+not?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not?  Why should you feel any delicacy
+before your old friend—_our_ old friend, if I may be allowed to call you
+so, sir; why should you, I ask?’  We of course wished to know why he
+should also, upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper _was_ a very
+sweet woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and begged to
+propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said,
+‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to
+understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s cousin’s life no less
+than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no common
+circumstance—an opinion to which we most cordially subscribed.
+
+Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation, Mr.
+Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent; he was
+so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk about
+anything in which he had not the chief concern.  We happened to allude to
+some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly
+fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke
+which our friend had made on that day four years, which he positively
+must insist upon telling—and which he did tell accordingly, with many
+pleasant recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and
+how he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on the
+very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime,
+and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the lobby, where she
+smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many
+other interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly
+young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had experienced a
+marvellously prophetic opinion of that same pantomime, which was of such
+an admirable kind, that two morning papers took the same view next day:
+to this our friend replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance
+he had some reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly
+young gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct;
+and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink
+one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved
+the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart.
+Finally, our friend having emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you,
+Mincin,’—and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much
+affection and earnestness.
+
+But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene like
+this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased _éclat_.
+Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the
+Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear
+friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to
+mention.  He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but
+how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his
+dear friends!  If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one
+little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin
+on the carpet riding on his foot.  He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper
+on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously,
+and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious
+old lady to consider herself neglected.  If any young lady, being
+prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her
+tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which she
+must take medicinally.  If any gentleman be standing by the piano during
+the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point
+of the melody, and softly beating time the while with his head, expresses
+in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of the passage.  If
+anybody’s self-love is to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.  If
+anybody’s overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit
+it.  What wonder that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr.
+Mincin’s friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as
+amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a
+beau, and fathers a wonder!  And who would not have the reputation of the
+very friendly young gentleman?
+
+
+
+
+THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+WE are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military
+young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young
+ladies of this kingdom.  We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose
+that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red coat ensures him a
+ready passport to their regard; and even if this were the case, it would
+be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance, because, although the
+analogy may in some degree hold good in the case of mail coachmen and
+guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and _they_ are not to our
+knowledge better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who
+wear (or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and
+massive badges besides—much larger than epaulettes.  Neither do the
+twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct,
+find any peculiar favour in woman’s eyes, although they wear very bright
+red jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing in
+public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to
+be greatly in their favour.
+
+We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in the
+conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen in
+red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as fine
+swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their king and
+country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the inferior
+classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with a little
+gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the
+audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who
+consort with them.  But we will not devote these pages to our
+speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present
+moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her
+Majesty’s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by
+it.  For ‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’ but upon consideration, we
+think the former the more appropriate word of the two.
+
+                 [Picture: The Military Young Gentleman]
+
+These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—young gentlemen who
+are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having an intense and
+enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to a military life,
+are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out their
+existence in some ignoble counting-house.  We will take this latter
+description of military young gentlemen first.
+
+The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated
+in his favourite topic.  There is nothing that he is so learned upon as
+uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant, what the
+habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear
+stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the
+Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd
+inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply
+read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of
+trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon ‘crack
+regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemen who compose them, of whose
+mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.
+
+We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day,
+after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion of
+half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles of
+kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’ regiments would be
+an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being a more expressive and appropriate
+designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by pulling out his watch,
+and observing that he must hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be
+too late to hear the band play.  Not wishing to interfere with so
+important an engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed
+by the anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no
+attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company with
+ready good-will.
+
+Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
+Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to one
+of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount
+guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance and
+eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and horse
+with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was
+passing around him.  We were not much surprised at the discovery that it
+was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we _were_ a little
+astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him
+still there, looking on with the same intensity as before.  As it was a
+very windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his
+reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether ‘that was
+not a glorious spectacle,’ and proceeded to give us a detailed account of
+the weight of every article of the spectacle’s trappings, from the man’s
+gloves to the horse’s shoes.
+
+We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our daily
+walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen to plant
+themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure, in
+periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.
+We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very
+promising young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which
+cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged
+inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great
+curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as if the man were
+wax-work.
+
+But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, and at
+the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges from the
+barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes the way
+towards the high street.  He wears his undress uniform, which somewhat
+mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great, how grand, he is!
+What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and
+how lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more
+ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella!  The lion is sleeping: only
+think if an enemy were in sight, how soon he’d whip it out of the
+scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he would be!
+
+But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; and
+now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen,
+arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels
+on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, which should
+cause all peaceful men to quail at heart.  They stop to talk.  See how
+the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has his
+pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the
+fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his glory; how the next
+young gentleman elevates his head in the air, and majestically places his
+arms a-kimbo, while the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and
+clasps his hands behind him.  Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest,
+but in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing.  Oh! if some
+encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of
+those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they
+move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t he
+tremble a little!
+
+And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command
+of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—what a splendid
+sight it is!  How sternly the defenders of their country look round the
+house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they may make
+themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the
+military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for
+anything.  And what a contrast between them, and that stage-box full of
+grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have
+nothing at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who—but
+for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and
+bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the
+pains to announce to the contrary!
+
+Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed young
+gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them too,
+only he doesn’t care to show it just now.  Very well done indeed!  He
+talks louder to the little group of military young gentlemen who are
+standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one
+to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same ordeal of
+criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone,
+the majority of the female portion of the audience.  Oh! a gentleman in
+the same box looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an
+impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at
+once, and hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality.
+
+Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive
+the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in
+five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by the
+mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom he was
+walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young ladies and
+commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a
+rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young
+gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment three
+of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole world.
+
+
+
+
+THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+ONCE upon a time—_not_ in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more
+recent period of our history—it was customary to banish politics when
+ladies were present.  If this usage still prevailed, we should have had
+no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would have neither
+known nor cared what kind of monster a political young gentleman was.
+But as this good custom in common with many others has ‘gone out,’ and
+left no word when it is likely to be home again; as political young
+ladies are by no means rare, and political young gentlemen the very
+reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most
+responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our subject.
+
+If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and there
+_are_ political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he is wholly
+absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles communicate the
+same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so the political
+glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental vision, give
+to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling.  The political young
+gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of a young
+lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister
+to the opposite member.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually some
+vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly
+explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to be
+very easily got over by the other side.  He has also some choice
+sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use at
+the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at
+intervals with surprising effect.  But his great topic is the
+constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much
+heat and fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject,
+but because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state,
+and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on
+the other side say it isn’t, which is quite a sufficient reason for him
+to say it is, and to stick to it.
+
+Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people.  If a fight
+takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken, and a few
+windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with a triumphant
+air, and exclaims, ‘Here’s your precious people!’  If half-a-dozen boys
+run across the course at race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the
+young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the
+conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play
+and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries ‘No’ and ‘Shame’ till
+he is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular
+moderation _now_; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for
+him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it
+with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do,
+the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with
+great violence against _the other people_, with whom, of course, they
+have no possible connexion.  In much the same manner the audience at a
+theatre never fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of
+the public—always laughing heartily at some other public, and never at
+themselves.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
+profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions to
+put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical
+deductions therefrom.  If he be of the utilitarian school, too, which is
+more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having many
+ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various
+cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the
+position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance of
+power.  Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines of political
+economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great many
+parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms,
+none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the
+toughest question and leave you nothing to say.  He gives all the young
+ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever
+lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new member,
+says he’s very well for a representative, all things considered, but he
+wants a little calling to account, and he is more than half afraid it
+will be necessary to bring him down on his knees for that vote on the
+miscellaneous estimates.  At this, the young ladies express much
+wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be brought
+upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political young gentleman
+smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of
+that day, when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required
+to render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies
+utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their
+lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than blasphemous.
+
+It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young
+gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a
+dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to
+Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small
+chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping
+all the noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the
+Tower for a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on
+their own heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the
+armoury, to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories.  Upon
+these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind
+in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and
+irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely
+where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the
+better of the other.
+
+In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political young
+gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, or
+anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when,
+thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite
+discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail.  They have
+recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as
+there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted,
+whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until
+they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the
+effort.
+
+As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties
+concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue
+them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice
+to discountenance such talkers altogether.
+
+
+
+
+THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+LET us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.  We
+are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place, he will
+answer our purpose without another word of comment.
+
+Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother, just
+within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St.
+Martin-le-Grand.  He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather is at
+all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up in the
+right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes
+home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles
+for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which he
+makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing.
+
+The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself and his mother,
+both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting persons.
+As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so Felix and his mother
+are scarcely ever separate in spirit.  If you ask Felix how he finds
+himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of
+his mother’s state of health; and the good lady in her turn, edifies her
+acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed
+four times and coughed once after being out in the rain the other night,
+but having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a
+flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly than by
+this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning,
+and enabled to go to business as usual.
+
+Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he has
+passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is one
+great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted to
+overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon which
+Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought would
+have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he
+continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out
+his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare
+in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the
+street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then,
+roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a
+double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with
+uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and running
+into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman,
+and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about
+her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.  She never will forget his
+fury that night, Never!
+
+To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking at
+you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end of it,
+adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks afterwards,
+in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an
+exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would have done to him if
+he _had_ seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right
+fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ with a distracted air, and
+insists upon extorting a promise that he never will on any account do
+anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it being something more than
+three years since the offence was committed—reluctantly concedes, and his
+mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit
+will lead him into something violent yet.  The discourse then, by an easy
+transition, turns upon the spirit which glows within the bosom of Felix,
+upon which point Felix himself becomes eloquent, and relates a thrilling
+anecdote of the time when he used to sit up till two o’clock in the
+morning reading French, and how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will
+make yourself ill, I know you will;’ and how _he_ used to say, ‘Mother, I
+don’t care—I will do it;’ and how at last his mother privately procured a
+doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse,
+that if he had gone on reading one night more—only one night more—he must
+have put a blister on each temple, and another between his shoulders; and
+who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and writing a prescription for
+a blue pill, said it must be taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for
+the consequences.  The recital of these and many other moving perils of
+the like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’s
+friends.
+
+                 [Picture: The Domestic Young Gentleman]
+
+Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, being
+a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried
+girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son,
+hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that they
+must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, and terribly
+severe upon young ladies.  At this last caution the young ladies resident
+in the same row, who happen to be spending the evening there, put their
+pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and are troubled with a short
+cough; just then Felix knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the
+tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in
+the back parlour that he needn’t mind coming in in his slippers, for
+there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite
+sure they will excuse _him_, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds,
+in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at
+which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in
+particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint
+for want of his tea, changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to
+laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish.  Here they
+all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage
+of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with
+the grateful herb that ‘cheers but not inebriates,’ removes his cup from
+his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are;
+whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be
+sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and another
+smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed, is perfectly
+satisfied.
+
+Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists
+upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card.
+This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties, he
+brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest Miss
+Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till
+supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed.  Finally,
+after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts on
+his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson’s servant to
+run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house,
+five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one
+stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back
+again, when they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’ and trip into the
+passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever played.
+
+Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish
+about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar
+corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female
+acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a
+thorough old bachelor.  He is a favourite with them however, in a certain
+way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his
+peculiarities harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that
+many who are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word
+in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his
+harmless existence.
+
+
+
+
+THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THERE is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, upon
+whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over of the
+subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation.
+Young ladies mildly call him a ‘sarcastic’ young gentleman, or a ‘severe’
+young gentleman.  We, who know better, beg to acquaint them with the
+fact, that he is merely a censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.
+
+The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars of
+a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all
+intelligence and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer,
+accompanied with a half smile, expressive of anything you please but
+good-humour.  This sets people about thinking what on earth the
+censorious young gentleman means, and they speedily arrive at the
+conclusion that he means something very deep indeed; for they reason in
+this way—‘This young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean
+something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep
+meaning he must have if I can’t find it out!’  It is extraordinary how
+soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small
+circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings
+accordingly.
+
+As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous to
+acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked about
+among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him.  ‘I wonder,’
+exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the
+lamp, ‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be married.’  ‘Bless me,
+dear,’ cries Miss Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’  ‘Really I
+hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; ‘he is such a very mysterious
+person, that I often wonder about him.’  ‘Well, to tell you the truth,’
+replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do I.’  Here two other young ladies
+profess that they are constantly doing the like, and all present appear
+in the same condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state
+that she considers Mr. Fairfax ‘a horror,’ draws down all the opposition
+of the others, which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory
+passages, such as ‘Well, did I ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’ ma takes up
+the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does not think Mr.
+Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to be a young man of
+very great ability; ‘and I am quite sure,’ adds the worthy lady, ‘he
+always means a great deal more than he says.’
+
+The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people
+alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the
+subject of conversation!  ‘Well, it really is curious,’ cries ma, ‘we
+were at that very moment talking about you.’  ‘You did me great honour,’
+replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may I venture to ask what you were saying?’  ‘Why,
+if you must know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking what a
+very mysterious man you are.’  ‘Ay, ay!’ observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’
+Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words
+enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies
+them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are
+more than ever convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he
+is a very dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody,
+which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young gentleman
+is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a
+tone, obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me there,’ and which gives
+them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very centre
+of its head.
+
+When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious
+young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general topics of the day, he
+sustains his character to admiration.  He considers the new tragedy well
+enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well, no matter; he could say
+a great deal on that point, but he would rather not, lest he should be
+thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be.  ‘But is not Mr.
+So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ inquires a young lady.
+‘Charming!’ replies the censorious young gentleman.  ‘Oh, dear, yes,
+certainly; very charming—oh, very charming indeed.’  After this, he stirs
+the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a modest young
+gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it
+must be, to have such a critical judgment.  Of music, pictures, books,
+and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine
+conception.  As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance.
+‘Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ says some great
+believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too severe.’  ‘I
+never am severe,’ replies the censorious young gentleman.  ‘Well, never
+mind that now.  She is very lady-like, is she not?’  ‘Lady-like!’ repeats
+the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at a
+loss for anything to say).  ‘Did you observe her manner?  Bless my heart
+and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?—that’s all I ask.’
+‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did
+not observe it very closely perhaps.’  ‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins
+the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly.  ‘Very good; then _I_ did.
+Let us talk no more about her.’  The censorious young gentleman purses up
+his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith
+whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced,
+must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has observed something
+exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s manner.
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+AS one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny young
+Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour of an
+individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual
+family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that
+ever came.
+
+We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly as the
+guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily—for, being an
+old-fashioned party, there _was_ an urn, and a teapot besides—when there
+came a postman’s knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it
+startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very
+interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and to
+exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until they had
+been several times assured by their respective adorers, that they were in
+no danger.  We were about to remark that it was surely beyond post-time,
+and must have been a runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been
+paralysed with wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of
+laughter, and offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog
+Griggins.  He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company
+and all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as
+if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave vent
+to various exclamations of—To be sure it must be Griggins, and How like
+him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many other
+commendatory remarks of the like nature.
+
+Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous
+to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman
+with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost
+touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when the
+door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself, amidst
+another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger
+branches.  This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions of
+countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which
+were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an
+ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if
+somebody didn’t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the
+death of him, he knew.  At this the company only laughed more
+boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone
+and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find
+ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh! capital, capital!’
+as loud as any of them.
+
+When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received the
+welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the needful
+introductions with much ease and many puns.  This ceremony over, he
+avowed his intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless the young ladies
+made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of
+tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and likened his
+condition to that of love among the roses.  At this novel jest we all
+roared once more.  ‘You should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’
+said we.  ‘Sir,’ replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me proud.’  Here everybody
+laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear
+that Griggins was making a dead set at us.
+
+The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game, and
+here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting other
+people’s fish, and looking over their hands in the most comical manner.
+He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither
+more nor less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who
+sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour.
+As the young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in
+consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go off
+quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young gentleman was
+heard to murmur some general references to ‘impertinence,’ and a
+‘rascal,’ and to state the number of his lodgings in an angry tone—a turn
+of the conversation which might have been productive of slaughterous
+consequences, if a young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not
+used her immediate influence to bring about a reconciliation:
+emphatically declaring in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar
+edification but audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that
+way, she never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as
+that she must always regard him.  At this terrible threat the young
+gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of
+feeling, instantaneously fainted.
+
+                   [Picture: The Funny Young Gentleman]
+
+Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a short period by this
+unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but being promptly
+elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses of wine, he
+soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before, insomuch that
+the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he
+had known him since he was _that_ high (something smaller than a
+nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent cue.
+
+When the round game and several games at blind man’s buff which followed
+it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible Mr.
+Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket,
+and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which
+occasioned great commotion and much excitement.  We observed that several
+young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the pale
+countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, and
+talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too, that
+several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young
+gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and
+protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised
+at Mrs. Brown’s allowing it, and that they couldn’t bear it, and had no
+patience with such impertinence.  But such is the gentle and forgiving
+nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we could
+not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent treatment of Mr.
+Griggins.  Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us that among the ladies he
+seemed rather more popular than before!
+
+To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill such a
+tiny volume as this, {429} to the very bottom of the outside cover.  How
+he drank out of other people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s bread,
+how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was sitting
+up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table and suddenly
+reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really surprised that
+anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host
+frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it
+with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how
+everybody’s good-humour was restored but the child’s;—to tell these and a
+hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of our room and
+our readers’ patience, than either they or we can conveniently spare.
+Therefore we change the subject, merely observing that we have offered no
+description of the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing
+that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all
+readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular
+circumstances of their particular case.
+
+
+
+
+THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+ALL gentlemen who love the drama—and there are few gentlemen who are not
+attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements—do
+not come within this definition.  As we have no mean relish for
+theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly anxious that
+this should be perfectly understood.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information on all
+theatrical topics.  ‘Well,’ says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the
+street, ‘here’s a pretty to-do.  Flimkins has thrown up his part in the
+melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as
+much gravity as you can counterfeit.  ‘Ah, that’s the point,’ replies the
+theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; ‘Boozle declines it;
+positively declines it.  From all I am told, I should say it was
+decidedly in Boozle’s line, and that he would be very likely to make a
+great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put
+up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take
+the character.  It’s a fine part, too—excellent business, I’m told.  He
+has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a
+bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can be.  Don’t
+mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he is first poisoned,
+and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest
+thing that has been done these many years.’  With this piece of news, and
+laying his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town
+with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different
+theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all.  Thus
+Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria the vic,
+and the Olympic the pic.  Actresses, too, are always designated by their
+surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and
+lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on.
+In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors,
+as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford.  When he is
+at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’ applied indiscriminately
+answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris’s, old Harley,
+and old Braham.  He has a great knowledge of the private proceedings of
+actresses, especially of their getting married, and can tell you in a
+breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names without avowing it.
+Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in the playbills, he will
+remind you that he let you into the secret six months ago.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that is
+connected with the stage department of the different theatres.  He would,
+at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, to omitting to
+pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with a curious and
+searching eye.  If he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he
+is in a perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he
+hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he can turn
+round from time to time, and have a good stare at his features.  He looks
+upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities
+ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see
+so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the highest
+gratifications the world can bestow.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at one or
+other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces which
+display the fullest resources of the establishment.  He likes to place
+implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece,
+and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to
+believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and
+seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is
+highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also.  He considers that
+if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in any new
+play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds
+accordingly.  He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any
+character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an
+angel or a demon—they both do it occasionally) one of the most
+interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion.
+
+Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
+communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
+which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to his
+partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table.  Thus he is
+advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting
+at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a
+pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which
+assistance he must infallibly have fainted.  He knows for a fact, that,
+after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather
+beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr.
+Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm
+toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters.  He
+looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the
+day; but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,—in proof
+whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently produced,
+of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as
+they appear.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
+emotion and redundancy of action.  If a father has to curse a child upon
+the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style, with no
+mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child should
+follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over on her face
+by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door
+behind him.  He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the young lady, when
+the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the
+usual conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking
+anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then
+spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady’s
+head—soft music playing all the while.  Upon these, and other points of a
+similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a great critic indeed.
+He is likewise very acute in judging of natural expressions of the
+passions, and knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands
+for any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into any
+other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger;
+or wildness, with the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing
+the wig, is passionate love.  If you venture to express a doubt of the
+accuracy of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman
+assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that
+way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day
+to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose
+not.
+
+There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
+theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom he
+is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no space
+to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with calling
+the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical young
+gentlemen of their own acquaintance.
+
+
+
+
+THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+TIME was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic raged
+among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence of
+the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars,
+and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and
+dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public.  These
+were poetical young gentlemen.  The custom was gradually found to be
+inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean linen and too
+large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently passed
+away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of
+poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.
+
+We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young gentleman.  We
+do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in any
+remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy
+cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom
+has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting a
+kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations in
+which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and
+yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all
+earthly things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to
+all his friends that he has been stricken poetical.
+
+The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging on a
+sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright in a
+high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite wall.
+When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is a worthy,
+affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention
+without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the
+head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary work or other, you
+may take her word for it.  Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon
+vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket,
+puts down three words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply,
+paces once or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon
+his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.
+
+The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of things
+too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity of
+vision, would suppose to be rather distorted.  For instance, when the
+sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious
+food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our
+friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not of disgust, but
+admiration.  ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical young gentleman, ‘how grand;
+how great!’  We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these
+epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts oscillating between the
+police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the
+head.  ‘Upon whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of
+poetry, ‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!’—and
+thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer
+was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of
+dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and
+able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies
+with the great and noble of the land.  We held our peace, and meekly
+signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions—firstly, because
+we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and
+secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering into any
+disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the respectable
+and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not be the last
+hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity will be
+plentifully expended.
+
+This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.  In his
+milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, and
+pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’s Magazine, or
+the ‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper; or which, in default of
+either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow leaves of a lady’s album.
+These are generally written upon some such occasions as contemplating the
+Bank of England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul’s in a snow-storm;
+and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours
+forth his soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament
+that he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up.
+
+                 [Picture: The Poetical Young Gentleman]
+
+The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
+favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.  He
+has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to
+opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there
+is nothing in it worth living for.  He gives you to understand, however,
+that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome
+play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to
+make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, that
+immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great spirits
+whom earth has chafed and wearied.
+
+When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are all
+superlatives.  Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest,
+mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and most
+pitiful.  He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and
+who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman?  ‘Mr. Milkwash,’ says
+a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young gentleman’s
+original impromptu contribution, ‘how very silent you are!  I think you
+must be in love.’  ‘Love!’ cries the poetical young gentleman, starting
+from his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full
+speed, ‘Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of the soul,
+that fierce glowing of the heart.  Love!  The withering, blighting
+influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.  Love did you say!
+Ha! ha! ha!’
+
+With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging only to
+poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, pen in
+hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical
+demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is full
+of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
+
+
+
+
+THE ‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THERE is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing young
+gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer part of the
+creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours.  And we
+are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division of our
+subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with an
+esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen
+of this class of men.  We had been urging all the absurdities of his
+conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he
+constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a
+certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters—when our fair
+friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly cried,
+‘Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’  What then?
+Throw him off yourself, said we.  And so she did, but not at our
+instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have been better if
+she had done so at first.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of vast
+property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with some
+suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description of
+themselves.  The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman
+was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off
+young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the
+deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable
+books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the
+lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables,
+and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect
+of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting
+stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything upon the same
+magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘princely;
+quite princely.  Ah!’  And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen
+fortunes of his noble house.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
+running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games of
+chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or
+amateur theatricals, no one can touch him—that is _could_ not, because he
+gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any opportunity
+of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice just now, and has
+been for some years.  If you mention any beautiful girl of your common
+acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts,
+smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary:
+people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although she is
+a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn’t
+possibly encourage the—‘but it’s of no use talking about it!’ he adds,
+interrupting himself.  ‘She has got over it now, and I firmly hope and
+trust is happy.’  With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a
+mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of some popular air,
+thinks perhaps it will be better to change the subject.
+
+There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young
+gentleman, which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’ with a most
+extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world.  Thus in all
+disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument
+to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some
+distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony
+decides the point against you, to the great—may we say it—to the great
+admiration of three young ladies out of every four, who consider the
+throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected young man, and a
+most charming person.
+
+Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon a
+little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the evening
+together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit of his
+glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to equal
+advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous
+young ladies, which is his proper element.  It is delightful to hear the
+number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance
+to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which, from
+long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment to a lady
+with two for himself.  ‘Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this
+flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather
+smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman.  ‘Never,’ he replies,
+bending over the object of admiration, ‘never but in your eyes.’  ‘Oh,
+Mr. Caveton,’ cries the young lady, blushing of course.  ‘Indeed I speak
+the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘I never saw any
+approach to them.  I used to think my cousin’s blue eyes lovely, but they
+grow dim and colourless beside yours.’  ‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr.
+Caveton!’ replies the young lady, with that perfect artlessness which is
+the distinguishing characteristic of all young ladies; ‘an affair, of
+course.’  ‘No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the throwing-off
+young gentleman with great energy.  ‘I fervently hope that her attachment
+towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy in
+childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may soon
+overcome it.  _I_ love her!  Think not so meanly of me, Miss Lowfield, I
+beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches, and beauty, can
+influence _my_ choice.  The heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.’  Here the
+throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower whisper;
+and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young ladies when they
+go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton’s relations are
+all immensely rich, and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands,
+riches, and beauty.
+
+We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain
+knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to
+recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he
+had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument
+within a mile of the house.
+
+We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking a note
+or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint of
+laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering
+listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing out
+of tune, let him try as he would.  We have lived to witness the unmasking
+of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a
+military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing
+successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his red
+whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to
+be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small country town,
+and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet
+despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress.
+Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and
+always fools.  So pray you avoid them.
+
+
+
+
+THE YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+THIS young gentleman has several titles.  Some young ladies consider him
+‘a nice young man,’ others ‘a fine young man,’ others ‘quite a lady’s
+man,’ others ‘a handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young
+man.’  With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect angel,’ and with others
+‘quite a love.’  He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear.
+
+The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and very
+white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on every
+possible opportunity.  He has brown or black hair, and whiskers of the
+same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the hue which is
+vulgarly known as _sandy_, is not considered an objection.  If his head
+and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an
+uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly.  Should his
+whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though this is not
+absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile
+constantly.
+
+There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours last
+summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.  As we hold that such wild
+expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the smallest
+means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably have excused
+ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that the projectors of
+the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions by a choice
+sample of the young ladies’ young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to
+have an opportunity of meeting.  This determined us, and we went.
+
+We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling
+company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the
+projectors on the box—and to start from the residence of the projectors,
+Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely.  We arrived at
+the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass
+coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and
+young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, who
+appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might have
+expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else.  Observing that
+our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we
+ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty
+reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’
+young gentleman.
+
+‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what has become of Mr. Balim—always
+so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.  I am sure I can-_not_
+think.’  As these last words were uttered in that measured, emphatic
+manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not quite made up
+his or her mind what to say, but is determined to talk on nevertheless,
+the eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped no accident had
+happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr.
+Balim!’ and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that
+an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim’s lodgings.
+This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short
+young lady behind us termed ‘quite a bearish way,’ that if Mr. Balim
+didn’t choose to come, he might stop at home.  At this all the daughters
+raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except one sprightly little girl of eight or
+ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the discourse,
+remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married that morning—for
+which impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by
+her eldest sister.
+
+               [Picture: The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman]
+
+We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when one of
+the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys usually
+run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays, and
+keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep
+trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr.
+Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the
+intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the
+entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of
+‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ whereunto the naughty
+creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence of a late party
+the night before, and had only just risen.  The acknowledgment awakened a
+variety of agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which
+appearing after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the
+case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr.
+Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t think of it.  He did
+think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a
+remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a select
+knot of young ladies.  It was quite delightful to see how he ate and
+drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another
+put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and
+anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass coaches,—and
+the little boys looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it should
+begin to rain before we set out; it might have rained all day, after we
+were once too far to turn back again, and welcome, for aught they cared.
+
+However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated
+with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow; and
+the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the
+carriages, ‘according,’ as one married lady observed, ‘to the immemorial
+custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.’  Thinking it very
+likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the other half),
+we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate
+enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four
+young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies’ young
+gentleman.
+
+We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ young gentleman
+hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to inquire
+whether he had danced to that the night before.  ‘By Heaven, then, I
+did,’ replied the young gentleman, ‘and with a lovely heiress; a superb
+creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’  ‘You seem rather struck,’
+observed another young lady.  ‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned
+the young gentleman, arranging his hair.  ‘Of course _she_ was struck
+too?’ inquired the first young lady.  ‘How can you ask, love?’ interposed
+the second; ‘could she fail to be?’  ‘Well, honestly I think she was,’
+observed the young gentleman.  At this point of the dialogue, the young
+lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s right,
+struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a
+vain man—whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud,
+and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a
+charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young
+gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud.  This little skirmish over,
+the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly upon
+the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young
+gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place
+upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or not,
+which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a
+considerable time.  At length, a short silence occurring, the young
+ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep;
+and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair
+of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness
+and to scream very loud.  The lively conversation to which this
+pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would
+have eked out a much longer one.
+
+We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
+circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and the
+bread.  The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which they
+attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to
+inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very
+fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly
+drunk at a respectful distance.
+
+We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
+flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of young
+ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their plates
+and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from its
+excessive playfulness.  His conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant.
+In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little
+lively _badinage_ on the subject of ladies’ dresses, he had evinced as
+much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner.
+
+As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after dinner
+entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone into a
+thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater
+part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes and the
+young ladies’ young gentleman among them.  Nor were we disappointed, for
+we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we discovered him
+before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to contemplate his
+greatness.
+
+The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at the feet
+of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was so profusely
+decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty spoils, that he
+looked like a lamb—or perhaps a calf would be a better simile—adorned for
+the sacrifice.  One young lady supported a parasol over his interesting
+head, another held his hat, and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic
+fashion he had thrown off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand
+upon his breast, and his face moulded into an expression of the most
+honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal
+music in praise of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect,
+that we burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty
+retreat.
+
+What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are!  Ducks,
+dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their merit.
+They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men.
+
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION
+
+
+AS we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young
+gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them to
+understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues and
+perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with
+confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and distrust of
+the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they cannot do
+better than preserve and maintain—we say, as we have done all this, we
+feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of our task, they may
+naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young
+gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend.
+
+Here we are at a loss.  We look over our list, and can neither recommend
+the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman, nor the
+very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the
+political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the
+censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor the
+theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor the
+throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ young gentleman.
+
+As there are some good points about many of them, which still are not
+sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as a whole,
+our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a young
+gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and the worst
+weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal altar,
+whether he will or no.  And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to
+tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound
+passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean
+Swift to a young lady on her marriage.
+
+‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the esteem
+of your husband.  Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer him to
+_esteem_ you against his judgment; and although he is not capable of
+using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps
+contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty with
+more durable qualities.  You have but a very few years to be young and
+handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months to be so in the eyes
+of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you do not still dream of
+charms and raptures, which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden
+end to.’
+
+From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate
+lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman
+to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself.  Without
+in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely to observe,
+that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a full
+specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to
+be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the
+highest bidder.
+
+These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman and
+Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials of
+approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested
+to be addressed.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES
+
+
+{429}  [In its original form.]
+
+
+
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles
+Dickens, Illustrated by Hablot Knight Browne
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions 
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at 
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+
+
+
+Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen
+
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2015  [eBook #918]
+[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN***
+</pre>
+<p>Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall <i>Sketches by
+Boz</i> edition by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p>
+<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN</h1>
+<p style="text-align: center"><a name="page402"></a><span
+class="pagenum">p. 402</span>TO THE YOUNG LADIES<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">OF THE</span><br />
+<b>United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland;</b><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">ALSO</span><br />
+THE YOUNG LADIES<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">OF</span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall"><b>THE PRINCIPALITY OF
+WALES,</b></span><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">AND LIKEWISE</span><br />
+THE YOUNG LADIES<br />
+<span class="GutSmall">RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF</span><br />
+<b>Guernsey, Jersey, Alderney, and Sark,</b><br />
+<span class="GutSmall">THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED
+ADMIRER,</span></p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheweth</span>,&mdash;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> your Dedicator has perused,
+with feelings of virtuous indignation, a work purporting to be
+&lsquo;Sketches of Young Ladies;&rsquo; written by Quiz,
+illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square
+twelvemo.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> after an attentive and
+vigilant perusal of the said work, your Dedicator is humbly of
+opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable sex, were never
+contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo or any
+other mo.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the title page and preface
+to the said work, your Honourable sex are described and
+classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is not at
+present prepared to deny that you <i>are</i> animals, still he
+humbly submits that it is not polite to call you so.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the aforesaid preface, your
+Honourable sex are also described as Troglodites, which, being a
+hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex or your Dedicator
+can say to the contrary, be an injurious and disrespectful
+appellation.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> the author of the said work
+applied himself to his task in malice prepense and with
+wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator contends,
+is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz,
+which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and
+implies an intention of quizzing.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> in the execution of his evil
+design, the said Quiz, or author of the said work, must have
+betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by some members
+of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have acquired so
+much information relative to the manners and customs of your
+Honourable sex in general.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> actuated by these
+considerations, and further moved by various slanders and
+insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the said
+work, square twelvemo, entitled &lsquo;Sketches of Young
+Ladies,&rsquo; your Dedicator ventures to produce another work,
+square twelvemo, entitled &lsquo;Sketches of Young
+Gentlemen,&rsquo; of which he now solicits your acceptance and
+approval.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> as the Young Ladies are the
+best companions of the Young Gentlemen, so the Young Gentlemen
+should be the best companions of the Young Ladies; and extending
+the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful language
+of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly
+suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane
+should possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your
+Honourable sex who were not rash enough to take the first, should
+lose no time in swallowing the last,&mdash;prevention being in
+all cases better than cure, as we are informed upon the
+authority, not only of general acknowledgment, but also of
+traditionary wisdom.</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> with reference to the said
+bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no further remarks to make,
+than are comprised in the printed directions issued with Doctor
+Morison&rsquo;s pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable sex
+take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty
+of Number 2, without delay.</p>
+<p style="text-align: right">And your Dedicator shall ever pray,
+&amp;c.</p>
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+<table>
+<tr>
+<td><p>&nbsp;</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span
+class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Bashful Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page403">403</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Out-and-out Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page407">407</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Very Friendly Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page410">410</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Military Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page414">414</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Political Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page418">418</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Domestic Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page421">421</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Censorious Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page424">424</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Funny Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page427">427</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Theatrical Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page431">431</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Poetical Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page433">433</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The &lsquo;Throwing-off&rsquo; Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page436">436</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>The Young Ladies&rsquo; Young Gentleman</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page439">439</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td><p>Conclusion</p>
+</td>
+<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a
+href="#page443">443</a></span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<h2><a name="page403"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 403</span>THE
+BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> found ourself seated at a small
+dinner party the other day, opposite a stranger of such singular
+appearance and manner, that he irresistibly attracted our
+attention.</p>
+<p>This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a
+promise of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed
+of a very velvet-like, soft-looking countenance.&nbsp; We do not
+use the latter term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of
+smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions,
+and a mouth rather remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than
+for any marked or striking expression it presented.&nbsp; His
+whole face was suffused with a crimson blush, and bore that
+downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease
+with himself.</p>
+<p>There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a
+passing remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to
+the bashful young gentleman, on his first appearance in the
+drawing-room above-stairs, into which he was no sooner
+introduced, than making his way towards us who were standing in a
+window, and wholly neglecting several persons who warmly accosted
+him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed it with
+a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he
+dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way
+a fine little girl of six years and a quarter old&mdash;and
+shrouding himself behind some hangings, was seen no more, until
+the eagle eye of the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on
+the announcement of dinner, he was requested to pair off with a
+lively single lady, of two or three and thirty.</p>
+<p>This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would
+have gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us
+in high respect, and for that reason been desirous of our
+acquaintance, if we had not suspected from the first, that the
+young gentleman, in making a desperate effort to get through the
+ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilderment of his ideas,
+shaken hands with us at random.&nbsp; This impression was fully
+confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful young
+gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view
+of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.</p>
+<p>The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident
+misgivings, and turning sharp round to pay attention to some
+observation of his loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.&nbsp;
+There was nothing very bad in this, and if he had had the
+presence of mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody
+but the man who had laid the cloth would have been a bit the
+wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful
+attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as
+gentlemen in the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a
+windy day, and then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to
+catch it, knocked it with great adroitness into a tureen of white
+soup at some distance, to the unspeakable terror and disturbance
+of a very amiable bald gentleman, who was dispensing the
+contents.&nbsp; We thought the bashful young gentleman would have
+gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent rush
+of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.</p>
+<p>From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the
+fancy, that it was &lsquo;all up&rsquo; with the bashful young
+gentleman, and so indeed it was.&nbsp; Several benevolent persons
+endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by taking wine with him,
+but finding that it only augmented his sufferings, and that after
+mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he
+applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of
+internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the
+exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the
+wildness of his eye, firmly believed she had secured a
+listener.&nbsp; He broke a glass or two in the course of the
+meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is inferred that he
+went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in
+another gentleman&rsquo;s coat, and the footman&rsquo;s hat.</p>
+<p>This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent
+characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and
+as this portable volume will be the great text-book of young
+ladies in all future generations, we record them here for their
+guidance and behoof.</p>
+<p>If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner,
+chance to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his
+acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and
+agitation.&nbsp; His first impulse is to make a great variety of
+bows, and dart past them, which he does until, observing that
+they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or not, he
+makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the
+same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary
+dodging and falling up against the other passengers, he returns
+and shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing
+which he knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which
+he hastily picks up, and returns very muddy and disordered.&nbsp;
+The chances are that the bashful young gentleman then observes it
+is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has only just
+left off raining for the first time these three days, he blushes
+very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing.&nbsp;
+The young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with
+an air of great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is
+to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the slightest
+consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is remarkably
+well.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, Mr. Hopkins!&rsquo; cries the young
+lady, &lsquo;why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and
+have been perfectly miserable about her.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh,
+ah,&rsquo; says the young gentleman, &lsquo;so she was.&nbsp; Oh,
+she&rsquo;s very ill, very ill indeed.&rsquo;&nbsp; The young
+gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has
+been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short
+pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says,
+with a strong emphasis on the adjective, &lsquo;<i>Good</i>
+morning, <i>good</i> morning.&rsquo;&nbsp; And making a great
+number of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to
+his sister, walks backward a few paces, and comes with great
+violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat off in the
+contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he is
+going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter
+attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile
+cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he
+has the satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.</p>
+<p>At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always
+remains as near the entrance of the room as possible, from which
+position he smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and
+sometimes steps forward to shake hands with more intimate
+friends: a process which on each repetition seems to turn him a
+deeper scarlet than before.&nbsp; He declines dancing the first
+set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather
+wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow
+himself to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great
+heat and blushing furiously, across the room to a spot where
+half-a-dozen unknown ladies are congregated together.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next
+quadrille.&rsquo;&nbsp; Miss Lambert inclines her head
+graciously.&nbsp; Mr. Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress
+disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make
+himself agreeable.&nbsp; The young lady more than half expects
+that the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the
+bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he
+has got anything to say, which, upon mature reflection, he is
+rather disposed to conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to
+him.&nbsp; Meanwhile, the young lady, after several inspections
+of her <i>bouquet</i>, all made in the expectation that the
+bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who
+is sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman
+immediately suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be
+about <i>him</i>.&nbsp; In this comfortable condition he remains
+until it is time to &lsquo;stand up,&rsquo; when murmuring a
+&lsquo;Will you allow me?&rsquo; he gives the young lady his arm,
+and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply
+that she has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of
+the quadrille, and making one attempt at conversation, which
+turns out a desperate failure, preserves a profound silence until
+it is all over, when he walks her twice round the room, deposits
+her in her old seat, and retires in confusion.</p>
+<p>A married bashful gentleman&mdash;for these bashful gentlemen
+do get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a
+mystery to us&mdash;a married bashful gentleman either causes his
+wife to appear bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance
+in his own insignificance.&nbsp; Bashful young gentlemen should
+be cured, or avoided.&nbsp; They are never hopeless, and never
+will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their
+influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth
+while on this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.</p>
+<h2><a name="page407"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 407</span>THE
+OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">Out-and-out</span> young gentlemen may be
+divided into two classes&mdash;those who have something to do,
+and those who have nothing.&nbsp; I shall commence with the
+former, because that species come more frequently under the
+notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to
+instruct.</p>
+<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser,
+his instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one
+general direction to &lsquo;make that what&rsquo;s-a-name a
+regular bang-up sort of thing.&rsquo;&nbsp; For some years past,
+the favourite costume of the out-and-out young gentleman has been
+a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet
+collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or
+fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low
+crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots.&nbsp; Out of
+doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on special
+occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat
+pockets.&nbsp; He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears
+considerably.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/fpb.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The out-and-out Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The out-and-out Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/fps.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city
+counting-house or solicitor&rsquo;s office, in which he does as
+little as he possibly can: his chief places of resort are, the
+streets, the taverns, and the theatres.&nbsp; In the streets at
+evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom
+of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and other
+inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford
+them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any
+immediate danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun
+of the thing materially.&nbsp; In all places of public resort,
+the out-and-outers are careful to select each a seat to himself,
+upon which he lies at full length, and (if the weather be very
+dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees up, and
+the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if
+any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes
+ample revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way
+to do it.&nbsp; He always sits with his hat on, and flourishes
+his stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with a
+dignified contempt of the performance; if it be possible for one
+or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in
+the passages, they are quite in their element, squeezing,
+pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner
+possible.&nbsp; If they can only succeed in irritating the
+gentleman who has a family of daughters under his charge, they
+are like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their
+companions for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them
+were &lsquo;devilish fine girls,&rsquo; and that they really
+thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing
+wanted to render the joke complete.</p>
+<p>If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters,
+of course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they
+(poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too
+weak-spirited and moping for him.&nbsp; Sometimes, however, on a
+birth-day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very well help
+accompanying them to a party at some old friend&rsquo;s, with
+which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or
+two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after
+exchanging his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which
+however he loses nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the
+coach and grumbles all the way at his own good nature: his bitter
+reflections aggravated by the recollection, that Tom Smith has
+taken the chair at a little impromptu dinner at a fighting
+man&rsquo;s, and that a set-to was to take place on a
+dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law,
+which is probably &lsquo;coming off&rsquo; at that very
+instant.</p>
+<p>As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease
+in ladies&rsquo; society, he shrinks into a corner of the
+drawing-room when they reach the friend&rsquo;s, and unless one
+of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him, remains there
+without being much troubled by the attentions of other people,
+until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman,
+whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind
+of free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and
+towards whom he accordingly makes his way.&nbsp; Conversation
+being soon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outer
+confidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough
+sort and hates that kind of thing, only he couldn&rsquo;t very
+well be off coming; to which the other replies, that that&rsquo;s
+just his case&mdash;&lsquo;and I&rsquo;ll tell you what,&rsquo;
+continues the out-and-outer in a whisper, &lsquo;I should like a
+glass of warm brandy and water just now,&rsquo;&mdash;&lsquo;Or a
+pint of stout and a pipe,&rsquo; suggests the other
+out-and-outer.</p>
+<p>The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls;
+each of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other
+understands what&rsquo;s what: and they become fast friends at
+once, more especially when it appears, that the second
+out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long favourably known
+to his familiars as &lsquo;Mr. Warmint Blake,&rsquo; who upon
+divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would
+not have disgraced the fighting man, and who&mdash;having been a
+pretty long time about town&mdash;had the honour of once shaking
+hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.</p>
+<p>At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves,
+brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and
+proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the
+evening&mdash;a process which is generally understood to be
+satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and
+a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out
+young gentlemen execute to perfection.&nbsp; Having protracted
+their sitting until long after the host and the other guests have
+adjourned to the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained
+the decanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions
+rather heightened, and faces rather bloated with wine; and the
+agitated lady of the house whispers her friends as they waltz
+together, to the great terror of the whole room, that &lsquo;both
+Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in
+their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately
+<i>rather too wild</i>!&rsquo;</p>
+<p>The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed
+of persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above
+earning any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.&nbsp;
+These respectable gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the
+out-and-out in external appearance, are distinguished by all the
+same amiable and attractive characteristics, in an equal or
+perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way into
+society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out
+young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who
+usually pay their tavern bills.&nbsp; As they are equally
+gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we
+need scarcely have recommended them to the peculiar consideration
+of the young ladies, if it were not that some of the gentle
+creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are perhaps a little
+too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the light
+word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a
+strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of
+construction.</p>
+<h2><a name="page410"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 410</span>THE
+VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> know&mdash;and all people
+know&mdash;so many specimens of this class, that in selecting the
+few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number, we
+have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the
+preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory
+view of the question we had felt disposed to assign the
+priority.</p>
+<p>The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to
+everybody, but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at
+most to three families: regulating his choice by their dinners,
+their circle of acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he
+has an immediate interest.&nbsp; He is of any age between twenty
+and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of children, and is
+expected to make himself generally useful if possible.&nbsp; Let
+us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest
+mode and the clearest.</p>
+<p>We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we
+had lost sight for some years, and who&mdash;expressing a strong
+anxiety to renew our former intimacy&mdash;urged us to dine with
+him on an early day, that we might talk over old times.&nbsp; We
+readily assented, adding, that we hoped we should be alone.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Oh, certainly, certainly,&rsquo; said our friend,
+&lsquo;not a soul with us but Mincin.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;And who
+is Mincin?&rsquo; was our natural inquiry.&nbsp; &lsquo;O
+don&rsquo;t mind him,&rsquo; replied our friend,
+&lsquo;he&rsquo;s a most particular friend of mine, and a very
+friendly fellow you will find him;&rsquo; and so he left us.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented
+ourselves at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome,
+our friend motioned towards a gentleman who had been previously
+showing his teeth by the fireplace, and gave us to understand
+that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken.&nbsp; It required
+no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr.
+Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I am delighted,&rsquo; said Mincin, hastily advancing,
+and pressing our hand warmly between both of his, &lsquo;I am
+delighted, I am sure, to make your acquaintance&mdash;(here he
+smiled)&mdash;very much delighted indeed&mdash;(here he exhibited
+a little emotion)&mdash;I assure you that I have looked forward
+to it anxiously for a very long time:&rsquo; here he released our
+hands, and rubbing his own, observed, that the day was severe,
+but that he was delighted to perceive from our appearance that it
+agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on to observe, that,
+notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had that morning
+seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to the
+effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of
+Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven
+feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a
+very extraordinary piece of intelligence.&nbsp; We ventured to
+remark, that we had a dim recollection of having once or twice
+before observed a similar paragraph in the public prints, upon
+which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially by the button, and said,
+Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we were very right, and he wondered
+what the editors meant by putting in such things.&nbsp; Who the
+deuce, he should like to know, did they suppose cared about them?
+that struck him as being the best of it.</p>
+<p>The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr.
+Mincin&rsquo;s friendliness, as will readily be supposed,
+suffered no diminution in consequence; he exerted much strength
+and skill in wheeling a large easy-chair up to the fire, and the
+lady being seated in it, carefully closed the door, stirred the
+fire, and looked to the windows to see that they admitted no air;
+having satisfied himself upon all these points, he expressed
+himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she found
+herself to-day.&nbsp; Upon the lady&rsquo;s replying very well,
+Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some
+general remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the
+head, which occupied us agreeably until dinner-time.&nbsp; During
+the meal, he devoted himself to complimenting everybody, not
+forgetting himself, so that we were an uncommonly agreeable
+quartette.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you what, Capper,&rsquo; said Mr.
+Mincin to our host, as he closed the room door after the lady had
+retired, &lsquo;you have very great reason to be fond of your
+wife.&nbsp; Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Nay, Mincin&mdash;I beg,&rsquo; interposed the host, as we
+were about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was
+particularly sweet.&nbsp; &lsquo;Pray, Mincin,
+don&rsquo;t.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Why not?&rsquo; exclaimed Mr.
+Mincin, &lsquo;why not?&nbsp; Why should you feel any delicacy
+before your old friend&mdash;<i>our</i> old friend, if I may be
+allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, I ask?&rsquo;&nbsp;
+We of course wished to know why he should also, upon which our
+friend admitted that Mrs. Capper <i>was</i> a very sweet woman,
+at which admission Mr. Mincin cried &lsquo;Bravo!&rsquo; and
+begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm,
+whereupon our host said, &lsquo;Thank you, Mincin,&rsquo; with
+deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to understand, that
+Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper&rsquo;s cousin&rsquo;s life no less
+than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no
+common circumstance&mdash;an opinion to which we most cordially
+subscribed.</p>
+<p>Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with
+conversation, Mr. Mincin&rsquo;s extreme friendliness became
+every moment more apparent; he was so amazingly friendly, indeed,
+that it was impossible to talk about anything in which he had not
+the chief concern.&nbsp; We happened to allude to some affairs in
+which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly fourteen
+years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke
+which our friend had made on that day four years, which he
+positively must insist upon telling&mdash;and which he did tell
+accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what he said,
+and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he well remembered that they
+had been to the play with orders on the very night previous, and
+had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper
+being faint had been led into the lobby, where she smiled, said
+it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many other
+interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly
+young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had
+experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that same
+pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two morning
+papers took the same view next day: to this our friend replied,
+with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some reason
+to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young
+gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct;
+and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he
+must drink one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he
+would say no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, or
+had a more friendly heart.&nbsp; Finally, our friend having
+emptied his glass, said, &lsquo;God bless you,
+Mincin,&rsquo;&mdash;and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the
+table with much affection and earnestness.</p>
+<p>But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited
+scene like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with
+increased <i>&eacute;clat</i>.&nbsp; Mr. Mincin is invited to an
+evening party with his dear friends the Martins, where he meets
+his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear friends the Watsons,
+and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to mention.&nbsp;
+He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but
+how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them
+among his dear friends!&nbsp; If he flirts with one of the Miss
+Watsons, he has one little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair,
+and the other little Martin on the carpet riding on his
+foot.&nbsp; He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and
+Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, and in
+such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious
+old lady to consider herself neglected.&nbsp; If any young lady,
+being prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr.
+Mincin leads her tenderly into the next room, and restores her
+with port wine, which she must take medicinally.&nbsp; If any
+gentleman be standing by the piano during the progress of the
+ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point of the
+melody, and softly beating time the while with his head,
+expresses in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of
+the passage.&nbsp; If anybody&rsquo;s self-love is to be
+flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.&nbsp; If anybody&rsquo;s
+overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit
+it.&nbsp; What wonder that people of all stations and ages
+recognise Mr. Mincin&rsquo;s friendliness; that he is universally
+allowed to be handsome as amiable; that mothers think him an
+oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a beau, and fathers a
+wonder!&nbsp; And who would not have the reputation of the very
+friendly young gentleman?</p>
+<h2><a name="page414"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 414</span>THE
+MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are rather at a loss to imagine
+how it has come to pass that military young gentlemen have
+obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young ladies of this
+kingdom.&nbsp; We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose
+that the mere circumstance of a man&rsquo;s wearing a red coat
+ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if this
+were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the
+circumstance, because, although the analogy may in some degree
+hold good in the case of mail coachmen and guards, still general
+postmen wear red coats, and <i>they</i> are not to our knowledge
+better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who wear
+(or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and
+massive badges besides&mdash;much larger than epaulettes.&nbsp;
+Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our
+inquiries be correct, find any peculiar favour in woman&rsquo;s
+eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the
+additional advantage of constantly appearing in public on
+horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to
+be greatly in their favour.</p>
+<p>We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its
+rise in the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and
+other gentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are
+invariably represented as fine swaggering fellows, talking of
+nothing but charming girls, their king and country, their honour,
+and their debts, and crowing over the inferior classes of the
+community, whom they occasionally treat with a little gentlemanly
+swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the
+audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice
+spirits who consort with them.&nbsp; But we will not devote these
+pages to our speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our
+business at the present moment is not so much with the young
+ladies who are bewitched by her Majesty&rsquo;s livery as with
+the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it.&nbsp; For
+&lsquo;heads&rsquo; we had written &lsquo;brains;&rsquo; but upon
+consideration, we think the former the more appropriate word of
+the two.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p414b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Military Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The Military Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/p414s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>These young gentlemen may be divided into two
+classes&mdash;young gentlemen who are actually in the army, and
+young gentlemen who, having an intense and enthusiastic
+admiration for all things appertaining to a military life, are
+compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out
+their existence in some ignoble counting-house.&nbsp; We will
+take this latter description of military young gentlemen
+first.</p>
+<p>The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are
+concentrated in his favourite topic.&nbsp; There is nothing that
+he is so learned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without
+faltering for an instant, what the habiliments of any one
+regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear stripes down the
+outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the Tenth had
+on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd
+inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is
+deeply read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the
+apparelling of trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in
+descanting upon &lsquo;crack regiments,&rsquo; and the
+&lsquo;crack&rsquo; gentlemen who compose them, of whose
+mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.</p>
+<p>We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the
+other day, after he had related to us several dazzling instances
+of the profusion of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or
+nobodies in the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that
+possibly &lsquo;cracked&rsquo; regiments would be an improvement
+upon &lsquo;crack,&rsquo; as being a more expressive and
+appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by
+pulling out his watch, and observing that he must hurry off to
+the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the band
+play.&nbsp; Not wishing to interfere with so important an
+engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the
+anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no
+attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted
+company with ready good-will.</p>
+<p>Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking
+down Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we
+drew near to one of the little stone places in which a couple of
+horse soldiers mount guard in the daytime, we were attracted by
+the motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young gentleman,
+who was devouring both man and horse with his eyes, so eagerly,
+that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was passing around
+him.&nbsp; We were not much surprised at the discovery that it
+was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we <i>were</i>
+a little astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth
+to find him still there, looking on with the same intensity as
+before.&nbsp; As it was a very windy day, we felt bound to awaken
+the young gentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with
+great enthusiasm, whether &lsquo;that was not a glorious
+spectacle,&rsquo; and proceeded to give us a detailed account of
+the weight of every article of the spectacle&rsquo;s trappings,
+from the man&rsquo;s gloves to the horse&rsquo;s shoes.</p>
+<p>We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in
+our daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young
+gentlemen to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and
+contemplate them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen
+minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.&nbsp; We were much
+struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising
+young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which
+cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a
+prolonged inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots
+with great curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as
+if the man were wax-work.</p>
+<p>But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this
+time, and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips,
+he emerges from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison
+town), and takes the way towards the high street.&nbsp; He wears
+his undress uniform, which somewhat mars the glory of his outward
+man; but still how great, how grand, he is!&nbsp; What a happy
+mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and how
+lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no
+more ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella!&nbsp; The lion
+is sleeping: only think if an enemy were in sight, how soon
+he&rsquo;d whip it out of the scabbard, and what a terrible
+fellow he would be!</p>
+<p>But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and
+slaughter; and now he comes in sight of three other military
+young gentlemen, arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him,
+clanking their iron heels on the pavement, and clashing their
+swords with a noise, which should cause all peaceful men to quail
+at heart.&nbsp; They stop to talk.&nbsp; See how the
+flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs&mdash;he who has
+his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares
+upon the fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his
+glory; how the next young gentleman elevates his head in the air,
+and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the third stands
+with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands behind
+him.&nbsp; Well may we inquire&mdash;not in familiar jest, but in
+respectful earnest&mdash;if you call that nothing.&nbsp; Oh! if
+some encroaching foreign power&mdash;the Emperor of Russia, for
+instance, or any of those deep fellows, could only see those
+military young gentlemen as they move on together towards the
+billiard-room over the way, wouldn&rsquo;t he tremble a
+little!</p>
+<p>And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are
+by command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the
+garrison&mdash;what a splendid sight it is!&nbsp; How sternly the
+defenders of their country look round the house as if in mute
+assurance to the audience, that they may make themselves
+comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the
+military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are
+ready for anything.&nbsp; And what a contrast between them, and
+that stage-box full of grey-headed officers with tokens of many
+battles about them, who have nothing at all in common with the
+military young gentlemen, and who&mdash;but for an old-fashioned
+kind of manly dignity in their looks and bearing&mdash;might be
+common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the pains to
+announce to the contrary!</p>
+<p>Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the
+flaxen-headed young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young
+gentleman recognises them too, only he doesn&rsquo;t care to show
+it just now.&nbsp; Very well done indeed!&nbsp; He talks louder
+to the little group of military young gentlemen who are standing
+by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one
+to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same
+ordeal of criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly
+inaudible tone, the majority of the female portion of the
+audience.&nbsp; Oh! a gentleman in the same box looks round as if
+he were disposed to resent this as an impertinence; and the
+flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at once, and
+hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality.</p>
+<p>Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party,
+receive the military young gentleman with great warmth and
+politeness, and in five minutes afterwards the military young
+gentleman, stimulated by the mamma, introduces the two other
+military young gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morning,
+who take their seats behind the young ladies and commence
+conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a
+rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young
+gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment
+three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the
+whole world.</p>
+<h2><a name="page418"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 418</span>THE
+POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">Once</span> upon a time&mdash;<i>not</i>
+in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more recent period of
+our history&mdash;it was customary to banish politics when ladies
+were present.&nbsp; If this usage still prevailed, we should have
+had no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would
+have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a political
+young gentleman was.&nbsp; But as this good custom in common with
+many others has &lsquo;gone out,&rsquo; and left no word when it
+is likely to be home again; as political young ladies are by no
+means rare, and political young gentlemen the very reverse of
+scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most
+responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our
+subject.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town
+(and there <i>are</i> political young gentlemen in country towns
+sometimes), he is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of
+purple spectacles communicate the same uniform tint to all
+objects near and remote, so the political glasses, with which the
+young gentleman assists his mental vision, give to everything the
+hue and tinge of party feeling.&nbsp; The political young
+gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of
+a young lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of
+marrying his sister to the opposite member.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has
+usually some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he
+cannot very clearly explain, but which he knows are the right
+sort of thing, and not to be very easily got over by the other
+side.&nbsp; He has also some choice sentences regarding church
+and state, culled from the banners in use at the last election,
+with which he intersperses his conversation at intervals with
+surprising effect.&nbsp; But his great topic is the constitution,
+upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much heat
+and fury; not that he has any particular information on the
+subject, but because he knows that the constitution is somehow
+church and state, and church and state somehow the constitution,
+and that the fellows on the other side say it isn&rsquo;t, which
+is quite a sufficient reason for him to say it is, and to stick
+to it.</p>
+<p>Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the
+people.&nbsp; If a fight takes place in a populous town, in which
+many noses are broken, and a few windows, the young gentleman
+throws down the newspaper with a triumphant air, and exclaims,
+&lsquo;Here&rsquo;s your precious people!&rsquo;&nbsp; If
+half-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time, when it
+ought to be kept clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly
+round, and begs you to observe the conduct of the people; if the
+gallery demand a hornpipe between the play and the afterpiece,
+the same young gentleman cries &lsquo;No&rsquo; and
+&lsquo;Shame&rsquo; till he is hoarse, and then inquires with a
+sneer what you think of popular moderation <i>now</i>; in short,
+the people form a never-failing theme for him; and when the
+attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it with great
+power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, the
+young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer
+with great violence against <i>the other people</i>, with whom,
+of course, they have no possible connexion.&nbsp; In much the
+same manner the audience at a theatre never fail to be highly
+amused with any jokes at the expense of the public&mdash;always
+laughing heartily at some other public, and never at
+themselves.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a
+very profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical
+questions to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible
+cases and logical deductions therefrom.&nbsp; If he be of the
+utilitarian school, too, which is more than probable, he is
+particularly pleasant company, having many ingenious remarks to
+offer upon the voluntary principle and various cheerful
+disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the
+position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the
+balance of power.&nbsp; Then he is exceedingly well versed in all
+doctrines of political economy as laid down in the newspapers,
+and knows a great many parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he
+has a small stock of aphorisms, none of them exceeding a couple
+of lines in length, which will settle the toughest question and
+leave you nothing to say.&nbsp; He gives all the young ladies to
+understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever
+lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new
+member, says he&rsquo;s very well for a representative, all
+things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and
+he is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him
+down on his knees for that vote on the miscellaneous
+estimates.&nbsp; At this, the young ladies express much
+wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be
+brought upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political
+young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints
+regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members of
+Parliament will be paid salaries, and required to render weekly
+accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies utter
+many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their
+lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than
+blasphemous.</p>
+<p>It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two
+political young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some
+great question across a dinner-table; such as, whether, if the
+public were admitted to Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would
+or would not convey small chisels and hammers in their pockets,
+and immediately set about chipping all the noses off the statues;
+or whether, if they once got into the Tower for a shilling, they
+would not insist upon trying the crown on their own heads, and
+loading and firing off all the small arms in the armoury, to the
+great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories.&nbsp; Upon
+these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the
+public mind in these desperate days, they will discourse with
+great vehemence and irritation for a considerable time together,
+both leaving off precisely where they began, and each thoroughly
+persuaded that he has got the better of the other.</p>
+<p>In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these
+political young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a
+political allusion, or anything which can be tortured or
+construed into being one; when, thrusting themselves into the
+very smallest openings for their favourite discourse, they fall
+upon the unhappy company tooth and nail.&nbsp; They have recently
+had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as
+there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be
+contradicted, whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to
+hold their tongues until they reach the outer door, though at the
+imminent risk of bursting in the effort.</p>
+<p>As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative
+parties concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and
+discontinue them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the
+ladies have our advice to discountenance such talkers
+altogether.</p>
+<h2><a name="page421"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 421</span>THE
+DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">Let</span> us make a slight sketch of our
+amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.&nbsp; We are strongly disposed
+to think, that if we put him in this place, he will answer our
+purpose without another word of comment.</p>
+<p>Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his
+mother, just within the twopenny-post office circle of three
+miles from St. Martin-le-Grand.&nbsp; He wears Indiarubber
+goloshes when the weather is at all damp, and always has a silk
+handkerchief neatly folded up in the right-hand pocket of his
+great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes home at night;
+moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles for
+particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which
+he makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady
+breathing.</p>
+<p>The two chief subjects of Felix&rsquo;s discourse, are himself
+and his mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful
+and interesting persons.&nbsp; As Felix and his mother are seldom
+apart in body, so Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate
+in spirit.&nbsp; If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he
+prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of his
+mother&rsquo;s state of health; and the good lady in her turn,
+edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming
+account, how he sneezed four times and coughed once after being
+out in the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly put
+into hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, which we
+will not describe more particularly than by this delicate
+allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning, and
+enabled to go to business as usual.</p>
+<p>Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but
+he has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify:
+there is one great story in particular, concerning a hackney
+coachman who wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing them
+home from the play, upon which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman
+a look which his mother thought would have crushed him to the
+earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he continued to
+demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out his
+pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the
+fare in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he
+shut the street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to
+think of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of passion
+by the coachman knocking a double knock to show that he was by no
+means convinced, he broke with uncontrollable force from his
+parent and the servant girl, and running into the street without
+his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman, and came back
+again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about her
+for a simile, as white as that ceiling.&nbsp; She never will
+forget his fury that night, Never!</p>
+<p>To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally
+looking at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has
+made an end of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met
+for three weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the
+scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclamation of terror,
+requests to know what he would have done to him if he <i>had</i>
+seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right
+fist, she exclaims, &lsquo;Goodness gracious!&rsquo; with a
+distracted air, and insists upon extorting a promise that he
+never will on any account do anything so rash, which her dutiful
+son&mdash;it being something more than three years since the
+offence was committed&mdash;reluctantly concedes, and his mother,
+shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit
+will lead him into something violent yet.&nbsp; The discourse
+then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows
+within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes
+eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he
+used to sit up till two o&rsquo;clock in the morning reading
+French, and how his mother used to say, &lsquo;Felix, you will
+make yourself ill, I know you will;&rsquo; and how <i>he</i> used
+to say, &lsquo;Mother, I don&rsquo;t care&mdash;I will do
+it;&rsquo; and how at last his mother privately procured a doctor
+to come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse,
+that if he had gone on reading one night more&mdash;only one
+night more&mdash;he must have put a blister on each temple, and
+another between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon
+the instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it
+must be taken immediately, or he wouldn&rsquo;t answer for the
+consequences.&nbsp; The recital of these and many other moving
+perils of the like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of
+Mr. Nixon&rsquo;s friends.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p422b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Domestic Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The Domestic Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/p422s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female
+acquaintance, being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little
+body, and to the unmarried girls among them she is constantly
+vaunting the virtues of her son, hinting that she will be a very
+happy person who wins him, but that they must mind their
+P&rsquo;s and Q&rsquo;s, for he is very particular, and terribly
+severe upon young ladies.&nbsp; At this last caution the young
+ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be spending the
+evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their
+mouths, and are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix
+knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer
+the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in the back
+parlour that he needn&rsquo;t mind coming in in his slippers, for
+there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is
+quite sure they will excuse <i>him</i>, and nodding to the two
+Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a
+great favourite with Felix, at which intelligence the short cough
+comes again, and Miss Thompson in particular is greatly troubled
+with it, till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea,
+changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to laugh out
+boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish.&nbsp; Here they
+all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in
+which stage of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time
+refreshened himself with the grateful herb that &lsquo;cheers but
+not inebriates,&rsquo; removes his cup from his countenance and
+says with a knowing smile, that all girls are; whereat his
+admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be sly,
+which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and
+another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed,
+is perfectly satisfied.</p>
+<p>Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix
+insists upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it
+on a card.&nbsp; This process having been performed to the
+satisfaction of all parties, he brings down his flute in
+compliance with a request from the youngest Miss Grey, and plays
+divers tunes out of a very small music-book till supper-time,
+when he is very facetious and talkative indeed.&nbsp; Finally,
+after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly
+puts on his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss
+Thompson&rsquo;s servant to run on first and get the door open,
+escorts that young lady to her house, five doors off: the Miss
+Greys who live in the next house but one stopping to peep with
+merry faces from their own door till he comes back again, when
+they call out &lsquo;Very well, Mr. Felix,&rsquo; and trip into
+the passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was
+ever played.</p>
+<p>Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little
+priggish about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all
+their peculiar corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed
+all his female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long
+ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor.&nbsp; He is a
+favourite with them however, in a certain way, as an honest,
+inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities harm
+nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that many who
+are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word in
+his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of
+his harmless existence.</p>
+<h2><a name="page424"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 424</span>THE
+CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is an amiable kind of young
+gentleman going about in society, upon whom, after much
+experience of him, and considerable turning over of the subject
+in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above
+appellation.&nbsp; Young ladies mildly call him a
+&lsquo;sarcastic&rsquo; young gentleman, or a
+&lsquo;severe&rsquo; young gentleman.&nbsp; We, who know better,
+beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a
+censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.</p>
+<p>The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his
+familiars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by
+receiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a
+dubious sneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of
+anything you please but good-humour.&nbsp; This sets people about
+thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman means, and
+they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something
+very deep indeed; for they reason in this way&mdash;&lsquo;This
+young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean
+something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very
+deep meaning he must have if I can&rsquo;t find it
+out!&rsquo;&nbsp; It is extraordinary how soon a censorious young
+gentleman may make a reputation in his own small circle if he
+bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings
+accordingly.</p>
+<p>As young ladies are generally&mdash;not curious, but laudably
+desirous to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman
+is much talked about among them, and many surmises are hazarded
+regarding him.&nbsp; &lsquo;I wonder,&rsquo; exclaims the eldest
+Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the lamp,
+&lsquo;I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be
+married.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Bless me, dear,&rsquo; cries Miss
+Marshall, &lsquo;what ever made you think of him?&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Really I hardly know,&rsquo; replies Miss Greenwood;
+&lsquo;he is such a very mysterious person, that I often wonder
+about him.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, to tell you the
+truth,&rsquo; replies Miss Marshall, &lsquo;and so do
+I.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here two other young ladies profess that they are
+constantly doing the like, and all present appear in the same
+condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that
+she considers Mr. Fairfax &lsquo;a horror,&rsquo; draws down all
+the opposition of the others, which having been expressed in a
+great many ejaculatory passages, such as &lsquo;Well, did I
+ever!&rsquo;&mdash;and &lsquo;Lor, Emily, dear!&rsquo; ma takes
+up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does
+not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him
+to be a young man of very great ability; &lsquo;and I am quite
+sure,&rsquo; adds the worthy lady, &lsquo;he always means a great
+deal more than he says.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all
+people alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who
+has been the subject of conversation!&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, it
+really is curious,&rsquo; cries ma, &lsquo;we were at that very
+moment talking about you.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;You did me great
+honour,&rsquo; replies Mr. Fairfax; &lsquo;may I venture to ask
+what you were saying?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Why, if you must
+know,&rsquo; returns the eldest girl, &lsquo;we were remarking
+what a very mysterious man you are.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Ay,
+ay!&rsquo; observes Mr. Fairfax, &lsquo;Indeed!&rsquo;&nbsp; Now
+Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words
+enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and
+accompanies them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and
+the young ladies are more than ever convinced that he means an
+immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous man, and seems
+to be always thinking ill of somebody, which is precisely the
+sort of character the censorious young gentleman is most desirous
+to establish; wherefore he says, &lsquo;Oh, dear, no,&rsquo; in a
+tone, obviously intended to mean, &lsquo;You have me
+there,&rsquo; and which gives them to understand that they have
+hit the right nail on the very centre of its head.</p>
+<p>When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the
+censorious young gentleman&rsquo;s behaviour, to the general
+topics of the day, he sustains his character to admiration.&nbsp;
+He considers the new tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but
+Lord bless us&mdash;well, no matter; he could say a great deal on
+that point, but he would rather not, lest he should be thought
+ill-natured, as he knows he would be.&nbsp; &lsquo;But is not Mr.
+So-and-so&rsquo;s performance truly charming?&rsquo; inquires a
+young lady.&nbsp; &lsquo;Charming!&rsquo; replies the censorious
+young gentleman.&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very
+charming&mdash;oh, very charming indeed.&rsquo;&nbsp; After this,
+he stirs the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a
+modest young gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks
+what a great thing it must be, to have such a critical
+judgment.&nbsp; Of music, pictures, books, and poetry, the
+censorious young gentleman has an equally fine conception.&nbsp;
+As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a
+glance.&nbsp; &lsquo;Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs.
+Barker,&rsquo; says some great believer in the powers of Mr.
+Fairfax, &lsquo;but don&rsquo;t be too severe.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;I never am severe,&rsquo; replies the censorious young
+gentleman.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, never mind that now.&nbsp; She is
+very lady-like, is she not?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Lady-like!&rsquo;
+repeats the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats
+when he is at a loss for anything to say).&nbsp; &lsquo;Did you
+observe her manner?&nbsp; Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson,
+did you observe her manner?&mdash;that&rsquo;s all I
+ask.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;I thought I had done so,&rsquo; rejoins
+the poor lady, much perplexed; &lsquo;I did not observe it very
+closely perhaps.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, not very closely,&rsquo;
+rejoins the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Very good; then <i>I</i> did.&nbsp; Let us talk no more
+about her.&rsquo;&nbsp; The censorious young gentleman purses up
+his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is
+forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a
+little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very excellent judge)
+has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker&rsquo;s
+manner.</p>
+<h2><a name="page427"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 427</span>THE
+FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> one funny young gentleman will
+serve as a sample of all funny young Gentlemen we purpose merely
+to note down the conduct and behaviour of an individual specimen
+of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual family
+Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that
+ever came.</p>
+<p>We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled
+pleasantly as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed
+cheerily&mdash;for, being an old-fashioned party, there
+<i>was</i> an urn, and a teapot besides&mdash;when there came a
+postman&rsquo;s knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it
+startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very
+interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and
+to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until
+they had been several times assured by their respective adorers,
+that they were in no danger.&nbsp; We were about to remark that
+it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a runaway
+knock, when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with
+wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and
+offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog
+Griggins.&nbsp; He had no sooner said this, than the majority of
+the company and all the children of the house burst into a roar
+of laughter too, as if some inimitable joke flashed upon them
+simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclamations of&mdash;To
+be sure it must be Griggins, and How like him that was, and What
+spirits he was always in! with many other commendatory remarks of
+the like nature.</p>
+<p>Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely
+desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a
+stout gentleman with a powdered head, who was sitting with his
+breeches buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he was a
+wit of the first water, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins
+being announced, presented himself, amidst another shout of
+laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger
+branches.&nbsp; This welcome he acknowledged by sundry
+contortions of countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the
+new pantomimes, which were so extremely successful, that one
+stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in a paroxysm of delight,
+protesting, with many gasps, that if somebody didn&rsquo;t make
+that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death of him, he
+knew.&nbsp; At this the company only laughed more boisterously
+than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone and
+spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find
+ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, &lsquo;Oh!
+capital, capital!&rsquo; as loud as any of them.</p>
+<p>When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins
+received the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went
+through the needful introductions with much ease and many
+puns.&nbsp; This ceremony over, he avowed his intention of
+sitting in somebody&rsquo;s lap unless the young ladies made room
+for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of
+tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and
+likened his condition to that of love among the roses.&nbsp; At
+this novel jest we all roared once more.&nbsp; &lsquo;You should
+consider yourself highly honoured, sir,&rsquo; said we.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Sir,&rsquo; replied Mr. Griggins, &lsquo;you do me
+proud.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here everybody laughed again; and the stout
+gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear that Griggins was
+making a dead set at us.</p>
+<p>The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round
+game, and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy,
+abstracting other people&rsquo;s fish, and looking over their
+hands in the most comical manner.&nbsp; He made one most
+excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor
+less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who
+sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable
+humour.&nbsp; As the young gentleman could not see the joke
+however, possibly in consequence of its being on the top of his
+own head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have done;
+indeed, the young gentleman was heard to murmur some general
+references to &lsquo;impertinence,&rsquo; and a
+&lsquo;rascal,&rsquo; and to state the number of his lodgings in
+an angry tone&mdash;a turn of the conversation which might have
+been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a young lady,
+betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate
+influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring
+in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but
+audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she
+never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as
+that she must always regard him.&nbsp; At this terrible threat
+the young gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by
+the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously fainted.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p428b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Funny Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The Funny Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/p428s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>Mr. Griggins&rsquo;s spirits were slightly depressed for a
+short period by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless
+pleasantry, but being promptly elevated by the attentions of the
+host and several glasses of wine, he soon recovered, and became
+even more vivacious than before, insomuch that the stout
+gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he had
+known him since he was <i>that</i> high (something smaller than a
+nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent
+cue.</p>
+<p>When the round game and several games at blind man&rsquo;s
+buff which followed it were all over, and we were going down to
+supper, the inexhaustible Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of
+mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general
+kissing of the assembled females, which occasioned great
+commotion and much excitement.&nbsp; We observed that several
+young gentlemen&mdash;including the young gentleman with the pale
+countenance&mdash;were greatly scandalised at this indecorous
+proceeding, and talked very big among themselves in corners; and
+we observed too, that several young ladies when remonstrated with
+by the aforesaid young gentlemen, called each other to witness
+how they had struggled, and protested vehemently that it was very
+rude, and that they were surprised at Mrs. Brown&rsquo;s allowing
+it, and that they couldn&rsquo;t bear it, and had no patience
+with such impertinence.&nbsp; But such is the gentle and
+forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly
+for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the
+subsequent treatment of Mr. Griggins.&nbsp; Indeed, upon the
+whole, it struck us that among the ladies he seemed rather more
+popular than before!</p>
+<p>To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would
+fill such a tiny volume as this, <a name="citation429"></a><a
+href="#footnote429" class="citation">[429]</a> to the very bottom
+of the outside cover.&nbsp; How he drank out of other
+people&rsquo;s glasses, and ate of other people&rsquo;s bread,
+how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was
+sitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table
+and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was
+really surprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting
+children, and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt
+convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it with the very best
+intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how everybody&rsquo;s
+good-humour was restored but the child&rsquo;s;&mdash;to tell
+these and a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy
+more of our room and our readers&rsquo; patience, than either
+they or we can conveniently spare.&nbsp; Therefore we change the
+subject, merely observing that we have offered no description of
+the funny young gentleman&rsquo;s personal appearance, believing
+that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving
+all readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular
+circumstances of their particular case.</p>
+<h2><a name="page431"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 431</span>THE
+THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">All</span> gentlemen who love the
+drama&mdash;and there are few gentlemen who are not attached to
+the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements&mdash;do
+not come within this definition.&nbsp; As we have no mean relish
+for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly
+anxious that this should be perfectly understood.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman has early and important
+information on all theatrical topics.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well,&rsquo;
+says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the street,
+&lsquo;here&rsquo;s a pretty to-do.&nbsp; Flimkins has thrown up
+his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.&rsquo;&mdash;&lsquo;And
+what&rsquo;s to be done?&rsquo; you inquire with as much gravity
+as you can counterfeit.&nbsp; &lsquo;Ah, that&rsquo;s the
+point,&rsquo; replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking
+very serious; &lsquo;Boozle declines it; positively declines
+it.&nbsp; From all I am told, I should say it was decidedly in
+Boozle&rsquo;s line, and that he would be very likely to make a
+great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having
+been put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall
+induce him to take the character.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s a fine part,
+too&mdash;excellent business, I&rsquo;m told.&nbsp; He has to
+kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a
+bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can
+be.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t mention it; but I hear that the last scene,
+when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as
+Vengedora, will be the greatest thing that has been done these
+many years.&rsquo;&nbsp; With this piece of news, and laying his
+finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town
+with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the
+different theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names
+for them all.&nbsp; Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane
+the lane, the Victoria the vic, and the Olympic the pic.&nbsp;
+Actresses, too, are always designated by their surnames only, as
+Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and lady-like girl
+Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on.&nbsp; In
+the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions
+actors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul
+Bedford.&nbsp; When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the
+word &lsquo;old&rsquo; applied indiscriminately answers quite as
+well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris&rsquo;s, old Harley, and
+old Braham.&nbsp; He has a great knowledge of the private
+proceedings of actresses, especially of their getting married,
+and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed their
+names without avowing it.&nbsp; Whenever an alteration of this
+kind is made in the playbills, he will remind you that he let you
+into the secret six months ago.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all
+that is connected with the stage department of the different
+theatres.&nbsp; He would, at any time, prefer going a street or
+two out of his way, to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into
+which he always looks with a curious and searching eye.&nbsp; If
+he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he is in a
+perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he
+hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he
+can turn round from time to time, and have a good stare at his
+features.&nbsp; He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of
+the most enchanting festivities ever known; and thinks that to be
+a member of the Garrick Club, and see so many actors in their
+plain clothes, must be one of the highest gratifications the
+world can bestow.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price
+visitor at one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite
+relish for all pieces which display the fullest resources of the
+establishment.&nbsp; He likes to place implicit reliance upon the
+play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up
+to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to believe (if the
+bills say so) that there are three hundred and seventy-five
+people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is highly
+indignant with you, unless you believe it also.&nbsp; He
+considers that if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the
+back wall, in any new play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic
+writing, and applauds accordingly.&nbsp; He has a great notion of
+trap-doors too; and thinks any character going down or coming up
+a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or a demon&mdash;they
+both do it occasionally) one of the most interesting feats in the
+whole range of scenic illusion.</p>
+<p>Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts
+to communicate of the private manners and customs of different
+actors, which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually
+communicates to his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a
+supper table.&nbsp; Thus he is advised, that Mr. Liston always
+had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting at the side-scene with a
+brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a pint or so of
+spirit to him every time he came off, without which assistance he
+must infallibly have fainted.&nbsp; He knows for a fact, that,
+after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two
+feather beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly
+informed, that Mr. Baker has, for many years, submitted to a
+course of lukewarm toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his
+favourite characters.&nbsp; He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the
+principal dramatic genius and poet of the day; but holds that
+there are great writers extant besides him,&mdash;in proof
+whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently
+produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny
+editions as fast as they appear.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for
+violence of emotion and redundancy of action.&nbsp; If a father
+has to curse a child upon the stage, he likes to see it done in
+the thorough-going style, with no mistake about it: to which end
+it is essential that the child should follow the father on her
+knees, and be knocked violently over on her face by the old
+gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door
+behind him.&nbsp; He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the
+young lady, when the old gentleman repents, with equal
+earnestness, and accompanied by the usual conventional forms,
+which consist of the old gentleman looking anxiously up into the
+clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then spreading an
+imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady&rsquo;s
+head&mdash;soft music playing all the while.&nbsp; Upon these,
+and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young
+gentleman is a great critic indeed.&nbsp; He is likewise very
+acute in judging of natural expressions of the passions, and
+knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands for
+any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into
+any other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot,
+becomes anger; or wildness, with the hands clasped before the
+throat, instead of tearing the wig, is passionate love.&nbsp; If
+you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy of any of these
+portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures you, with a
+haughty smile, that it always has been done in that way, and he
+supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day to
+please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you
+suppose not.</p>
+<p>There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which
+the theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to
+ladies whom he is most in the habit of entertaining with them;
+but as we have no space to recapitulate them at greater length,
+we must rest content with calling the attention of the young
+ladies in general to the theatrical young gentlemen of their own
+acquaintance.</p>
+<h2><a name="page433"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 433</span>THE
+POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">Time</span> was, and not very long ago
+either, when a singular epidemic raged among the young gentlemen,
+vast numbers of whom, under the influence of the malady, tore off
+their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars, and
+exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and
+dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished
+public.&nbsp; These were poetical young gentlemen.&nbsp; The
+custom was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the
+necessity of too much clean linen and too large washing bills,
+and these outward symptoms have consequently passed away; but we
+are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of
+poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.</p>
+<p>We know a poetical young gentleman&mdash;a very poetical young
+gentleman.&nbsp; We do not mean to say that he is troubled with
+the gift of poesy in any remarkable degree, but his countenance
+is of a plaintive and melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted
+and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom has his hair cut, and
+often talks about being an outcast and wanting a kindred spirit;
+from which, as well as from many general observations in which he
+is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and yearnings
+of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly
+things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to
+all his friends that he has been stricken poetical.</p>
+<p>The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is
+lounging on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or
+sitting bolt upright in a high-backed chair, staring with very
+round eyes at the opposite wall.&nbsp; When he is in one of these
+positions, his mother, who is a worthy, affectionate old soul,
+will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention without
+disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the
+head, that John&rsquo;s imagination is at some extraordinary work
+or other, you may take her word for it.&nbsp; Hereupon John looks
+more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly
+snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three words, and a
+cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once or twice
+across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon his head,
+and walks moodily up to his dormitory.</p>
+<p>The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar
+notions of things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed
+with a poetical obliquity of vision, would suppose to be rather
+distorted.&nbsp; For instance, when the sickening murder and
+mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious food
+wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our
+friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies&mdash;not of
+disgust, but admiration.&nbsp; &lsquo;Heavens!&rsquo; cried the
+poetical young gentleman, &lsquo;how grand; how
+great!&rsquo;&nbsp; We ventured deferentially to inquire upon
+whom these epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts
+oscillating between the police officer who found the criminal,
+and the lock-keeper who found the head.&nbsp; &lsquo;Upon
+whom!&rsquo; exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy
+of poetry, &lsquo;Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the
+murderer!&rsquo;&mdash;and thereupon it came out, in a fine
+torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a
+bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart
+and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and able
+reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical
+colloquies with the great and noble of the land.&nbsp; We held
+our peace, and meekly signified our indisposition to controvert
+these opinions&mdash;firstly, because we were no match at
+quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and secondly, because
+we felt it would be of little use our entering into any
+disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the
+respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and
+will not be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or
+diseased curiosity will be plentifully expended.</p>
+<p>This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young
+gentleman.&nbsp; In his milder and softer moments he occasionally
+lays down his neckcloth, and pens stanzas, which sometimes find
+their way into a Lady&rsquo;s Magazine, or the
+&lsquo;Poets&rsquo; Corner&rsquo; of some country newspaper; or
+which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the
+rainbow leaves of a lady&rsquo;s album.&nbsp; These are generally
+written upon some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of
+England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul&rsquo;s in a
+snow-storm; and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him
+inspiration, he pours forth his soul in a touching address to a
+violet, or a plaintive lament that he is no longer a child, but
+has gradually grown up.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p434b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Poetical Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The Poetical Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/p434s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from
+his favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding
+school.&nbsp; He has a great deal to say too about the world, and
+is much given to opining, especially if he has taken anything
+strong to drink, that there is nothing in it worth living
+for.&nbsp; He gives you to understand, however, that for the sake
+of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome play,
+manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to
+make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection,
+that immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other
+great spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied.</p>
+<p>When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives,
+they are all superlatives.&nbsp; Everything is of the grandest,
+greatest, noblest, mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest,
+obscurest, vilest, and most pitiful.&nbsp; He knows no medium:
+for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and who so enthusiastic as
+a poetical young gentleman?&nbsp; &lsquo;Mr. Milkwash,&rsquo;
+says a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young
+gentleman&rsquo;s original impromptu contribution, &lsquo;how
+very silent you are!&nbsp; I think you must be in
+love.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Love!&rsquo; cries the poetical young
+gentleman, starting from his seat by the fire and terrifying the
+cat who scampers off at full speed, &lsquo;Love! that burning,
+consuming passion; that ardour of the soul, that fierce glowing
+of the heart.&nbsp; Love!&nbsp; The withering, blighting
+influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.&nbsp; Love
+did you say!&nbsp; Ha! ha! ha!&rsquo;</p>
+<p>With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh
+belonging only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre,
+and sits down, pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse
+in the biting, semi-atheistical demoniac style, which, like the
+poetical young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury,
+signifying nothing.</p>
+<h2><a name="page436"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 436</span>THE
+&lsquo;THROWING-OFF&rsquo; YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a certain kind of
+impostor&mdash;a bragging, vaunting, puffing young
+gentleman&mdash;against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer
+part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our
+labours.&nbsp; And we are particularly induced to lay especial
+stress upon this division of our subject, by a little dialogue we
+held some short time ago, with an esteemed young lady of our
+acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen of this class of
+men.&nbsp; We had been urging all the absurdities of his conduct
+and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he
+constantly recounted&mdash;to which indeed we had not scrupled to
+prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and three
+letters&mdash;when our fair friend, unable to maintain the
+contest any longer, reluctantly cried, &lsquo;Well; he certainly
+has a habit of throwing-off, but then&mdash;&rsquo;&nbsp; What
+then?&nbsp; Throw him off yourself, said we.&nbsp; And so she
+did, but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it
+might have been better if she had done so at first.</p>
+<p>The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father
+possessed of vast property in some remote district of Ireland,
+that we look with some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who
+volunteer this description of themselves.&nbsp; The deceased
+grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman was a man of
+immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off young
+gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the
+deceased baronet&rsquo;s library, with its long rows of scarce
+and valuable books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in
+cases, reaching from the lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and
+the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble old castle of
+Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect of hill and dale,
+and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting stables and
+the spacious court-yards, &lsquo;and&mdash;and&mdash;everything
+upon the same magnificent scale,&rsquo; says the throwing-off
+young gentleman, &lsquo;princely; quite princely.&nbsp;
+Ah!&rsquo;&nbsp; And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen
+fortunes of his noble house.</p>
+<p>The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at
+walking, running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is
+unrivalled; at all games of chance or skill, at hunting,
+shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or amateur theatricals, no
+one can touch him&mdash;that is <i>could</i> not, because he
+gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any
+opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of
+practice just now, and has been for some years.&nbsp; If you
+mention any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in his
+hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, smiles, and
+begs you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary: people do
+say indeed that they were once engaged, but no&mdash;although she
+is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he
+couldn&rsquo;t possibly encourage the&mdash;&lsquo;but it&rsquo;s
+of no use talking about it!&rsquo; he adds, interrupting
+himself.&nbsp; &lsquo;She has got over it now, and I firmly hope
+and trust is happy.&rsquo;&nbsp; With this benevolent aspiration
+he nods his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first
+part of some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to
+change the subject.</p>
+<p>There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off
+young gentleman, which is, that he &lsquo;happens to be
+acquainted&rsquo; with a most extraordinary variety of people in
+all parts of the world.&nbsp; Thus in all disputed questions,
+when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument to bring
+forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some distant
+person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony
+decides the point against you, to the great&mdash;may we say
+it&mdash;to the great admiration of three young ladies out of
+every four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a very
+highly-connected young man, and a most charming person.</p>
+<p>Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in
+upon a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly
+spending the evening together, and then indeed is he at the very
+height and summit of his glory; for it is to be observed that he
+by no means shines to equal advantage in the presence of men as
+in the society of over-credulous young ladies, which is his
+proper element.&nbsp; It is delightful to hear the number of
+pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance
+to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which,
+from long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment
+to a lady with two for himself.&nbsp; &lsquo;Did you ever see a
+more lovely blue than this flower, Mr. Caveton?&rsquo; asks a
+young lady who, truth to tell, is rather smitten with the
+throwing-off young gentleman.&nbsp; &lsquo;Never,&rsquo; he
+replies, bending over the object of admiration, &lsquo;never but
+in your eyes.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, Mr. Caveton,&rsquo; cries
+the young lady, blushing of course.&nbsp; &lsquo;Indeed I speak
+the truth,&rsquo; replies the throwing-off young gentleman,
+&lsquo;I never saw any approach to them.&nbsp; I used to think my
+cousin&rsquo;s blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless
+beside yours.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr.
+Caveton!&rsquo; replies the young lady, with that perfect
+artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic of all
+young ladies; &lsquo;an affair, of course.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,&rsquo; rejoins the
+throwing-off young gentleman with great energy.&nbsp; &lsquo;I
+fervently hope that her attachment towards me may be nothing but
+the natural result of our close intimacy in childhood, and that
+in change of scene and among new faces she may soon overcome
+it.&nbsp; <i>I</i> love her!&nbsp; Think not so meanly of me,
+Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands,
+riches, and beauty, can influence <i>my</i> choice.&nbsp; The
+heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here the
+throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower
+whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young
+ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr.
+Caveton&rsquo;s relations are all immensely rich, and that he is
+hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and beauty.</p>
+<p>We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our
+certain knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely
+able to recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the
+guitar when he had previously satisfied himself that there was
+not such an instrument within a mile of the house.</p>
+<p>We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after
+striking a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it
+correctly (by dint of laborious practice) with his voice, assure
+a circle of wondering listeners that so acute was his ear that he
+was wholly unable to sing out of tune, let him try as he
+would.&nbsp; We have lived to witness the unmasking of another
+throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a
+military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing
+successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his
+red whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride,
+turned out to be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a
+small country town, and whom, if it were not for this fortunate
+exposure, we should not yet despair of encountering as the
+fortunate husband of some rich heiress.&nbsp; Ladies, ladies, the
+throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and always
+fools.&nbsp; So pray you avoid them.</p>
+<h2><a name="page439"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 439</span>THE
+YOUNG LADIES&rsquo; YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">This</span> young gentleman has several
+titles.&nbsp; Some young ladies consider him &lsquo;a nice young
+man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a fine young man,&rsquo; others
+&lsquo;quite a lady&rsquo;s man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a handsome
+man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a remarkably good-looking young
+man.&rsquo;&nbsp; With some young ladies he is &lsquo;a perfect
+angel,&rsquo; and with others &lsquo;quite a love.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear.</p>
+<p>The young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman has usually a fresh
+colour and very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he
+displays on every possible opportunity.&nbsp; He has brown or
+black hair, and whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight
+tinge of red, or the hue which is vulgarly known as <i>sandy</i>,
+is not considered an objection.&nbsp; If his head and face be
+large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an
+uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly.&nbsp;
+Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better,
+though this is not absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an
+under-waistcoat, and smile constantly.</p>
+<p>There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of
+ours last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.&nbsp; As we
+hold that such wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save
+by people of the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we
+should indubitably have excused ourself from attending, if we had
+not recollected that the projectors of the excursion were always
+accompanied on such occasions by a choice sample of the young
+ladies&rsquo; young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to have
+an opportunity of meeting.&nbsp; This determined us, and we
+went.</p>
+<p>We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with
+a trifling company of six or eight inside, and a little boy
+belonging to the projectors on the box&mdash;and to start from
+the residence of the projectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at
+half-past ten precisely.&nbsp; We arrived at the place of
+rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass coaches and
+the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and young
+gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds,
+who appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we
+might have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody
+else.&nbsp; Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown
+occasioned some disappointment, we ventured to inquire who was
+yet to come, when we found from the hasty reply of a dozen
+voices, that it was no other than the young ladies&rsquo; young
+gentleman.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I cannot imagine,&rsquo; said the mamma, &lsquo;what
+has become of Mr. Balim&mdash;always so punctual, always so
+pleasant and agreeable.&nbsp; I am sure I can-<i>not</i>
+think.&rsquo;&nbsp; As these last words were uttered in that
+measured, emphatic manner which painfully announces that the
+speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what to say, but is
+determined to talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took up
+the subject, and hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim,
+upon which there was a general chorus of &lsquo;Dear Mr.
+Balim!&rsquo; and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest,
+proposed that an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr.
+Balim&rsquo;s lodgings.&nbsp; This, however, the papa resolutely
+opposed, observing, in what a short young lady behind us termed
+&lsquo;quite a bearish way,&rsquo; that if Mr. Balim didn&rsquo;t
+choose to come, he might stop at home.&nbsp; At this all the
+daughters raised a murmur of &lsquo;Oh pa!&rsquo; except one
+sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old, who, taking
+advantage of a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr.
+Balim might have been married that morning&mdash;for which
+impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by
+her eldest sister.</p>
+<p style="text-align: center">
+<a href="images/p441b.jpg">
+<img alt=
+"The Young Ladies&rsquo; Young Gentleman"
+title=
+"The Young Ladies&rsquo; Young Gentleman"
+ src="images/p441s.jpg" />
+</a></p>
+<p>We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness,
+when one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as
+little boys usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal
+food in the holidays, and keep their hands constantly forced down
+to the bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they take
+exercise, joyfully announced that Mr. Balim was at that moment
+coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the intelligence was
+confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of
+Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of
+&lsquo;Where have you been, you naughty creature?&rsquo;
+whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he had been in bed,
+in consequence of a late party the night before, and had only
+just risen.&nbsp; The acknowledgment awakened a variety of
+agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which appearing
+after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the
+case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding
+Mr. Balim&rsquo;s repeated protestations that he couldn&rsquo;t
+think of it.&nbsp; He did think of it though, and thought better
+of it too, for he made a remarkably good meal when it came, and
+was assiduously served by a select knot of young ladies.&nbsp; It
+was quite delightful to see how he ate and drank, while one pair
+of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another put in the
+sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and
+anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass
+coaches,&mdash;and the little boys looking on in an agony of
+apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it
+might have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn
+back again, and welcome, for aught they cared.</p>
+<p>However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being
+accommodated with a hamper between his legs something larger than
+a wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as they
+possibly could in the carriages, &lsquo;according,&rsquo; as one
+married lady observed, &lsquo;to the immemorial custom, which was
+half the diversion of gipsy parties.&rsquo;&nbsp; Thinking it
+very likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the
+other half), we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful
+aspect, and were fortunate enough to occupy one corner of a coach
+in which were one old lady, four young ladies, and the renowned
+Mr. Balim the young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman.</p>
+<p>We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies&rsquo;
+young gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a
+young lady to inquire whether he had danced to that the night
+before.&nbsp; &lsquo;By Heaven, then, I did,&rsquo; replied the
+young gentleman, &lsquo;and with a lovely heiress; a superb
+creature, with twenty thousand pounds.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;You
+seem rather struck,&rsquo; observed another young lady.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;&rsquo;Gad she was a sweet creature,&rsquo; returned the
+young gentleman, arranging his hair.&nbsp; &lsquo;Of course
+<i>she</i> was struck too?&rsquo; inquired the first young
+lady.&nbsp; &lsquo;How can you ask, love?&rsquo; interposed the
+second; &lsquo;could she fail to be?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Well,
+honestly I think she was,&rsquo; observed the young
+gentleman.&nbsp; At this point of the dialogue, the young lady
+who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman&rsquo;s
+right, struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and
+said he was a vain man&mdash;whereupon the young gentleman
+insisted on having the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for
+help to the other young ladies, a charming struggle ensued,
+terminating in the victory of the young gentleman, and the
+capture of the rosebud.&nbsp; This little skirmish over, the
+married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly
+upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the
+young gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting
+discussion took place upon the important point whether the young
+gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeable
+conversation of a light kind, lasted a considerable time.&nbsp;
+At length, a short silence occurring, the young ladies on either
+side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; and the
+young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair
+of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal
+suddenness and to scream very loud.&nbsp; The lively conversation
+to which this pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of
+the ride, and would have eked out a much longer one.</p>
+<p>We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under
+such circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the
+cork-screw and the bread.&nbsp; The married gentlemen were
+unusually thirsty, which they attributed to the heat of the
+weather; the little boys ate to inconvenience; mammas were very
+jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; and the attendants
+being well-behaved men, got exceedingly drunk at a respectful
+distance.</p>
+<p>We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that
+he flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little
+group of young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he
+ate from their plates and drank from their glasses in a manner
+truly captivating from its excessive playfulness.&nbsp; His
+conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant.&nbsp; In fact, one
+elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little lively
+<i>badinage</i> on the subject of ladies&rsquo; dresses, he had
+evinced as much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a
+milliner.</p>
+<p>As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep
+after dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we
+slipped away alone into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to
+fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater part of the young people
+having dropped off in twos and threes and the young ladies&rsquo;
+young gentleman among them.&nbsp; Nor were we disappointed, for
+we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we
+discovered him before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to
+contemplate his greatness.</p>
+<p>The young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman was seated upon the
+ground, at the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a
+bank; he was so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers,
+and other pretty spoils, that he looked like a lamb&mdash;or
+perhaps a calf would be a better simile&mdash;adorned for the
+sacrifice.&nbsp; One young lady supported a parasol over his
+interesting head, another held his hat, and a third his
+neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown off; the
+young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and his
+face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness,
+was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise
+of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we
+burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty
+retreat.</p>
+<p>What charming fellows these young ladies&rsquo; young
+gentlemen are!&nbsp; Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms
+inadequate to express their merit.&nbsp; They are such amazingly,
+uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men.</p>
+<h2><a name="page443"></a><span class="pagenum">p.
+443</span>CONCLUSION</h2>
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> we have placed before the young
+ladies so many specimens of young gentlemen, and have also in the
+dedication of this volume given them to understand how much we
+reverence and admire their numerous virtues and perfections; as
+we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with
+confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and
+distrust of the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour,
+they cannot do better than preserve and maintain&mdash;we say, as
+we have done all this, we feel that now, when we have arrived at
+the close of our task, they may naturally press upon us the
+inquiry, what particular description of young gentlemen we can
+conscientiously recommend.</p>
+<p>Here we are at a loss.&nbsp; We look over our list, and can
+neither recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the
+out-and-out young gentleman, nor the very friendly young
+gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the political
+young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the
+censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor
+the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman,
+nor the throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies&rsquo;
+young gentleman.</p>
+<p>As there are some good points about many of them, which still
+are not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them
+eligible, as a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies
+is, to seek for a young gentleman who unites in himself the best
+qualities of all, and the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead
+him forthwith to the hymeneal altar, whether he will or no.&nbsp;
+And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to tender one short
+fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound passages
+of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean
+Swift to a young lady on her marriage.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and
+preserve the esteem of your husband.&nbsp; Neither good-nature
+nor virtue will suffer him to <i>esteem</i> you against his
+judgment; and although he is not capable of using you ill, yet
+you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps
+contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty
+with more durable qualities.&nbsp; You have but a very few years
+to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few
+months to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a fool; for I
+hope you do not still dream of charms and raptures, which
+marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the
+fortunate lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that
+the young gentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no
+other than ourself.&nbsp; Without in any way committing ourself
+upon this point, we have merely to observe, that we are ready to
+receive sealed offers containing a full specification of age,
+temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to be distinctly
+understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest
+bidder.</p>
+<p>These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs.
+Chapman and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other
+testimonials of approbation from the young ladies generally, are
+respectfully requested to be addressed.</p>
+<h2>FOOTNOTES</h2>
+<p><a name="footnote429"></a><a href="#citation429"
+class="footnote">[429]</a>&nbsp; [In its original form.]</p>
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN***</p>
+<pre>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens
+(#26 in our series by Charles Dickens)
+
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+
+
+Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+Release Date: May, 1997  [EBook #918]
+[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997]
+[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN ***
+
+
+
+
+Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price,
+email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+
+SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN
+
+
+
+
+TO THE YOUNG LADIES
+OF THE
+UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND;
+ALSO
+THE YOUNG LADIES
+OF
+THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES,
+AND LIKEWISE
+THE YOUNG LADIES
+RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF
+GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK,
+THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,
+
+SHEWETH, -
+
+THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous
+indignation, a work purporting to be 'Sketches of Young Ladies;'
+written by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume,
+square twelvemo.
+
+THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
+Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your
+Honourable sex, were never contained in any previously published
+work, in twelvemo or any other mo.
+
+THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your
+Honourable sex are described and classified as animals; and
+although your Dedicator is not at present prepared to deny that you
+ARE animals, still he humbly submits that it is not polite to call
+you so.
+
+THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also
+described as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught
+your Honourable sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be
+an injurious and disrespectful appellation.
+
+THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in
+malice prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which,
+your Dedicator contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his
+assuming the name of Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a
+foregone conclusion, and implies an intention of quizzing.
+
+THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author
+of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence
+reposed in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he
+never could have acquired so much information relative to the
+manners and customs of your Honourable sex in general.
+
+THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
+slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained
+in the said work, square twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young
+Ladies,' your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square
+twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young Gentlemen,' of which he now
+solicits your acceptance and approval.
+
+THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young
+Gentlemen, so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of
+the Young Ladies; and extending the comparison from animals (to
+quote the disrespectful language of the said Quiz) to inanimate
+objects, your Dedicator humbly suggests, that such of your
+Honourable sex as purchased the bane should possess themselves of
+the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex who were not
+rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in swallowing
+the last,-prevention being in all cases better than cure, as we are
+informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment,
+but also of traditionary wisdom.
+
+THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator
+has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed
+directions issued with Doctor Morison's pills; namely, that
+whenever your Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you
+will be pleased to take fifty of Number 2, without delay.
+
+And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.
+
+
+
+THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day,
+opposite a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he
+irresistibly attracted our attention.
+
+This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise
+of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very
+velvet-like, soft-looking countenance.  We do not use the latter
+term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump,
+highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather
+remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or
+striking expression it presented.  His whole face was suffused with
+a crimson blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look,
+which betokens a man ill at ease with himself.
+
+There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
+remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful
+young gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-
+stairs, into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way
+towards us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting
+several persons who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with
+visible emotion, and pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good
+couple of minutes, after which he dived in a nervous manner across
+the room, oversetting in his way a fine little girl of six years
+and a quarter old-and shrouding himself behind some hangings, was
+seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess detecting him in
+his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was requested to
+pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and thirty.
+
+This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
+gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high
+respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if
+we had not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in
+making a desperate effort to get through the ceremony of
+introduction, had, in the bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands
+with us at random.  This impression was fully confirmed by the
+subsequent behaviour of the bashful young gentleman in question,
+which we noted particularly, with the view of ascertaining whether
+we were right in our conjecture.
+
+The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident
+misgivings, and turning sharp round to pay attention to some
+observation of his loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.  There
+was nothing very bad in this, and if he had had the presence of
+mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody but the man who
+had laid the cloth would have been a bit the wiser; but the young
+gentleman in various semi-successful attempts to prevent its fall,
+played with it a little, as gentlemen in the streets may be seen to
+do with their hats on a windy day, and then giving the roll a smart
+rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with great adroitness
+into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the unspeakable
+terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who was
+dispensing the contents.  We thought the bashful young gentleman
+would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the
+violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this
+catastrophe.
+
+From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy,
+that it was 'all up' with the bashful young gentleman, and so
+indeed it was.  Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve
+his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only
+augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry,
+champagne, hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part
+of the mixture externally, instead of internally, they gradually
+dropped off, and left him to the exclusive care of the talkative
+lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, firmly believed she
+had secured a listener.  He broke a glass or two in the course of
+the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is inferred that
+he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in
+another gentleman's coat, and the footman's hat.
+
+This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent
+characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as
+this portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in
+all future generations, we record them here for their guidance and
+behoof.
+
+If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance
+to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his
+acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation.  His
+first impulse is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past
+them, which he does until, observing that they wish to stop, but
+are uncertain whether to do so or not, he makes several feints of
+returning, which causes them to do the same; and at length, after a
+great quantity of unnecessary dodging and falling up against the
+other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most affectionately
+with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their grasp
+sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very
+muddy and disordered.  The chances are that the bashful young
+gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded
+that it has only just left off raining for the first time these
+three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a
+very good thing.  The young lady who was most anxious to speak,
+here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear
+sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the
+slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is
+remarkably well.  'Well, Mr. Hopkins!' cries the young lady, 'why,
+we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly
+miserable about her.'  'Oh, ah,' says the young gentleman, 'so she
+was.  Oh, she's very ill, very ill indeed.'  The young gentleman
+then shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been
+smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause,
+gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a
+strong emphasis on the adjective, 'GOOD morning, GOOD morning.'
+And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment of several
+little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces, and
+comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat off
+in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he is
+going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter
+attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile
+cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he
+has the satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.
+
+At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as
+near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he
+smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps
+forward to shake hands with more intimate friends:  a process which
+on each repetition seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before.
+He declines dancing the first set or two, observing, in a faint
+voice, that he would rather wait a little; but at length is
+absolutely compelled to allow himself to be introduced to a
+partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing furiously,
+across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies are
+congregated together.
+
+'Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next
+quadrille.'  Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously.  Mr.
+Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr.
+Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make himself agreeable.  The
+young lady more than half expects that the bashful young gentleman
+will say something, and the bashful young gentleman feeling this,
+seriously thinks whether he has got anything to say, which, upon
+mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he has not,
+since nothing occurs to him.  Meanwhile, the young lady, after
+several inspections of her bouquet, all made in the expectation
+that the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her
+mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young
+gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very good reason)
+must be about HIM.  In this comfortable condition he remains until
+it is time to 'stand up,' when murmuring a 'Will you allow me?' he
+gives the young lady his arm, and after inquiring where she will
+stand, and receiving a reply that she has no choice, conducts her
+to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and making one attempt at
+conversation, which turns out a desperate failure, preserves a
+profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her twice
+round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in
+confusion.
+
+A married bashful gentleman-for these bashful gentlemen do get
+married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to
+us-a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear
+bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own
+insignificance.  Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or
+avoided.  They are never hopeless, and never will be, while female
+beauty and attractions retain their influence, as any young lady
+will find, who may think it worth while on this confident assurance
+to take a patient in hand.
+
+
+
+THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes-those
+who have something to do, and those who have nothing.  I shall
+commence with the former, because that species come more frequently
+under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn
+and to instruct.
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
+instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one
+general direction to 'make that what's-a-name a regular bang-up
+sort of thing.'  For some years past, the favourite costume of the
+out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two
+gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger
+than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a
+wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and
+iron-shod boots.  Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash
+stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers keeping his
+hands in his coat pockets.  He smokes at all hours, of course, and
+swears considerably.
+
+The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-
+house or solicitor's office, in which he does as little as he
+possibly can:  his chief places of resort are, the streets, the
+taverns, and the theatres.  In the streets at evening time, out-
+and-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom of walking six or
+eight abreast, thus driving females and other inoffensive persons
+into the road, which never fails to afford them the highest
+satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of their
+being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially.  In
+all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to
+select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length,
+and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he
+lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly
+on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make
+room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without
+going at all out of his way to do it.  He always sits with his hat
+on, and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is
+proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be
+possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a
+little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element,
+squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous
+manner possible.  If they can only succeed in irritating the
+gentleman who has a family of daughters under his charge, they are
+like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their companions
+for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were
+'devilish fine girls,' and that they really thought the youngest
+would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render the
+joke complete.
+
+If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of
+course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they
+(poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too
+weak-spirited and moping for him.  Sometimes, however, on a birth-
+day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very well help accompanying
+them to a party at some old friend's, with which view he comes home
+when they have been dressed an hour or two, smelling very strongly
+of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his rough coat for
+some more suitable attire (in which however he loses nothing of the
+out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the way at his
+own good nature:  his bitter reflections aggravated by the
+recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little
+impromptu dinner at a fighting man's, and that a set-to was to take
+place on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-
+in-law, which is probably 'coming off' at that very instant.
+
+As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in
+ladies' society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when
+they reach the friend's, and unless one of his sisters is kind
+enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled by
+the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside
+the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and
+manner (for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a
+brother out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his
+way.  Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the
+second out-and-outer confidentially informs the first, that he is
+one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, only he
+couldn't very well be off coming; to which the other replies, that
+that's just his case-'and I'll tell you what,' continues the out-
+and-outer in a whisper, 'I should like a glass of warm brandy and
+water just now,'-'Or a pint of stout and a pipe,' suggests the
+other out-and-outer.
+
+The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each
+of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands
+what's what:  and they become fast friends at once, more especially
+when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a
+gentleman, long favourably known to his familiars as 'Mr. Warmint
+Blake,' who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a
+manner that would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who-
+having been a pretty long time about town-had the honour of once
+shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.
+
+At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves,
+brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and
+proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the
+evening-a process which is generally understood to be
+satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and a
+great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out young
+gentlemen execute to perfection.  Having protracted their sitting
+until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to
+the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters
+empty, they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened,
+and faces rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the
+house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great
+terror of the whole room, that 'both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are
+very nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric
+persons, and unfortunately RATHER TOO WILD!'
+
+The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
+persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning
+any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.  These respectable
+gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in
+external appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and
+attractive characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree,
+and now and then find their way into society, through the medium of
+the other class of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes
+carry them home, and who usually pay their tavern bills.  As they
+are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and
+well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them to the peculiar
+consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that some of the
+gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are perhaps a
+little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the
+light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a
+strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of
+construction.
+
+
+
+THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+We know-and all people know-so many specimens of this class, that
+in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a
+great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly young
+gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon a
+more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign
+the priority.
+
+The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody,
+but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three
+families:  regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of
+acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he has an immediate
+interest.  He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of
+course, must be fond of children, and is expected to make himself
+generally useful if possible.  Let us illustrate our meaning by an
+example, which is the shortest mode and the clearest.
+
+We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had
+lost sight for some years, and who-expressing a strong anxiety to
+renew our former intimacy-urged us to dine with him on an early
+day, that we might talk over old times.  We readily assented,
+adding, that we hoped we should be alone.  'Oh, certainly,
+certainly,' said our friend, 'not a soul with us but Mincin.'  'And
+who is Mincin?' was our natural inquiry.  'O don't mind him,'
+replied our friend, 'he's a most particular friend of mine, and a
+very friendly fellow you will find him;' and so he left us.
+
+'We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves
+at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend
+motioned towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his
+teeth by the fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr.
+Mincin, of whom he had spoken.  It required no great penetration on
+our part to discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a
+very friendly young gentleman.
+
+'I am delighted,' said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our
+hand warmly between both of his, 'I am delighted, I am sure, to
+make your acquaintance-(here he smiled)-very much delighted indeed-
+(here he exhibited a little emotion)-I assure you that I have
+looked forward to it anxiously for a very long time:' here he
+released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed, that the day was
+severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from our appearance
+that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on to observe,
+that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had that
+morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to the
+effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of
+Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven
+feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very
+extraordinary piece of intelligence.  We ventured to remark, that
+we had a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a
+similar paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took
+us confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be
+sure, we were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by
+putting in such things.  Who the deuce, he should like to know, did
+they suppose cared about them? that struck him as being the best of
+it.
+
+The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin's
+friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution
+in consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a
+large easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it,
+carefully closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the
+windows to see that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself
+upon all these points, he expressed himself quite easy in his mind,
+and begged to know how she found herself to-day.  Upon the lady's
+replying very well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical
+gentleman) offered some general remarks upon the nature and
+treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us agreeably until
+dinner-time.  During the meal, he devoted himself to complimenting
+everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an uncommonly
+agreeable quartette.
+
+'I'll tell you what, Capper,' said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he
+closed the room door after the lady had retired, 'you have very
+great reason to be fond of your wife.  Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper,
+sir!'  'Nay, Mincin-I beg,' interposed the host, as we were about
+to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was particularly sweet.
+'Pray, Mincin, don't.'  'Why not?' exclaimed Mr. Mincin, 'why not?
+Why should you feel any delicacy before your old friend-OUR old
+friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, I
+ask?'  We of course wished to know why he should also, upon which
+our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper WAS a very sweet woman, at
+which admission Mr. Mincin cried 'Bravo!' and begged to propose
+Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said,
+'Thank you, Mincin,' with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low
+voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper's cousin's
+life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he
+considered no common circumstance-an opinion to which we most
+cordially subscribed.
+
+Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with
+conversation, Mr. Mincin's extreme friendliness became every moment
+more apparent; he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was
+impossible to talk about anything in which he had not the chief
+concern.  We happened to allude to some affairs in which our friend
+and we had been mutually engaged nearly fourteen years before, when
+Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke which our friend had
+made on that day four years, which he positively must insist upon
+telling-and which he did tell accordingly, with many pleasant
+recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and how
+he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on
+the very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the
+pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the
+lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went
+back again, with many other interesting and absorbing particulars:
+after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure us, that
+our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that
+same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two
+morning papers took the same view next day:  to this our friend
+replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some
+reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young
+gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct;
+and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must
+drink one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say
+no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more
+friendly heart.  Finally, our friend having emptied his glass,
+said, 'God bless you, Mincin,'-and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands
+across the table with much affection and earnestness.
+
+But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene
+like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased
+eclat.  Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear
+friends the Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers,
+and his dear friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends
+too numerous to mention.  He is as much at home with the Martins as
+with the Cappers; but how exquisitely he balances his attentions,
+and divides them among his dear friends!  If he flirts with one of
+the Miss Watsons, he has one little Martin on the sofa pulling his
+hair, and the other little Martin on the carpet riding on his foot.
+He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin
+on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, and in such exact
+order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious old lady to
+consider herself neglected.  If any young lady, being prevailed
+upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her
+tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which
+she must take medicinally.  If any gentleman be standing by the
+piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by
+the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating time the
+while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception
+of the delicacy of the passage.  If anybody's self-love is to be
+flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.  If anybody's overweening vanity
+is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it.  What wonder that
+people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin's
+friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as
+amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear,
+brothers a beau, and fathers a wonder!  And who would not have the
+reputation of the very friendly young gentleman?
+
+
+
+THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that
+military young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes
+of the young ladies of this kingdom.  We cannot think so lightly of
+them as to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man's wearing a
+red coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if
+this were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the
+circumstance, because, although the analogy may in some degree hold
+good in the case of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen
+wear red coats, and THEY are not to our knowledge better received
+than other men; nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear)
+not only red coats, but very resplendent and massive badges
+besides-much larger than epaulettes.  Neither do the twopenny post-
+office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct, find any
+peculiar favour in woman's eyes, although they wear very bright red
+jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing
+in public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally
+supposed to be greatly in their favour.
+
+We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in
+the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other
+gentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably
+represented as fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but
+charming girls, their king and country, their honour, and their
+debts, and crowing over the inferior classes of the community, whom
+they occasionally treat with a little gentlemanly swindling, no
+less to the improvement and pleasure of the audience, than to the
+satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who consort with
+them.  But we will not devote these pages to our speculations upon
+the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present moment is not
+so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her Majesty's
+livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it.
+For 'heads' we had written 'brains;' but upon consideration, we
+think the former the more appropriate word of the two.
+
+These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes-young
+gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who,
+having an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things
+appertaining to a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune
+or adverse relations to wear out their existence in some ignoble
+counting-house.  We will take this latter description of military
+young gentlemen first.
+
+The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are
+concentrated in his favourite topic.  There is nothing that he is
+so learned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering
+for an instant, what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned
+up with, what regiment wear stripes down the outside and inside of
+the leg, and how many buttons the Tenth had on their coats; he
+knows to a fraction how many yards and odd inches of gold lace it
+takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply read in the
+comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of
+trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon 'crack
+regiments,' and the 'crack' gentlemen who compose them, of whose
+mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.
+
+We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other
+day, after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the
+profusion of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies
+in the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly
+'cracked' regiments would be an improvement upon 'crack,' as being
+a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly
+interrupted us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must
+hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the
+band play.  Not wishing to interfere with so important an
+engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the
+anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no
+attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company
+with ready good-will.
+
+Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
+Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near
+to one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse
+soldiers mount guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the
+motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was
+devouring both man and horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he
+seemed deaf and blind to all that was passing around him.  We were
+not much surprised at the discovery that it was our friend, the
+military young gentleman, but we WERE a little astonished when we
+returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him still there,
+looking on with the same intensity as before.  As it was a very
+windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his
+reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether
+'that was not a glorious spectacle,' and proceeded to give us a
+detailed account of the weight of every article of the spectacle's
+trappings, from the man's gloves to the horse's shoes.
+
+We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our
+daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young
+gentlemen to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and
+contemplate them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen
+minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.  We were much struck a
+day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising young
+butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot be
+too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection
+of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity,
+and as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work.
+
+But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time,
+and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he
+emerges from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town),
+and takes the way towards the high street.  He wears his undress
+uniform, which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but
+still how great, how grand, he is!  What a happy mixture of ease
+and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries
+that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more ado about it than
+if it were a silk umbrella!  The lion is sleeping:  only think if
+an enemy were in sight, how soon he'd whip it out of the scabbard,
+and what a terrible fellow he would be!
+
+But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter;
+and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen,
+arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron
+heels on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise,
+which should cause all peaceful men to quail at heart.  They stop
+to talk.  See how the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak
+legs-he who has his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of
+his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians who linger to look
+upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates his head in
+the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the third
+stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands behind
+him.  Well may we inquire-not in familiar jest, but in respectful
+earnest-if you call that nothing.  Oh! if some encroaching foreign
+power-the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of those deep
+fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they move
+on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn't he
+tremble a little!
+
+And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by
+command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison-
+what a splendid sight it is!  How sternly the defenders of their
+country look round the house as if in mute assurance to the
+audience, that they may make themselves comfortable regarding any
+foreign invasion, for they (the military young gentlemen) are
+keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for anything.  And what a
+contrast between them, and that stage-box full of grey-headed
+officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have nothing
+at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who-but for
+an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and bearing-
+might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the
+pains to announce to the contrary!
+
+Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed
+young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises
+them too, only he doesn't care to show it just now.  Very well done
+indeed!  He talks louder to the little group of military young
+gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies
+in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces
+may undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have
+subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the
+female portion of the audience.  Oh! a gentleman in the same box
+looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an
+impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his
+friends at once, and hurries away to them with the most charming
+cordiality.
+
+Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party,
+receive the military young gentleman with great warmth and
+politeness, and in five minutes afterwards the military young
+gentleman, stimulated by the mamma, introduces the two other
+military young gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morning,
+who take their seats behind the young ladies and commence
+conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a
+rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young
+gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment
+three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole
+world.
+
+
+
+THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+Once upon a time-NOT in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a
+more recent period of our history-it was customary to banish
+politics when ladies were present.  If this usage still prevailed,
+we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen, for
+ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a
+political young gentleman was.  But as this good custom in common
+with many others has 'gone out,' and left no word when it is likely
+to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means rare,
+and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are
+bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to
+neglect this natural division of our subject.
+
+If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and
+there ARE political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he
+is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles
+communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote,
+so the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists
+his mental vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party
+feeling.  The political young gentleman would as soon think of
+being struck with the beauty of a young lady in the opposite
+interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister to the opposite
+member.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually
+some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very
+clearly explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing,
+and not to be very easily got over by the other side.  He has also
+some choice sentences regarding church and state, culled from the
+banners in use at the last election, with which he intersperses his
+conversation at intervals with surprising effect.  But his great
+topic is the constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour
+together, with much heat and fury; not that he has any particular
+information on the subject, but because he knows that the
+constitution is somehow church and state, and church and state
+somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on the other side
+say it isn't, which is quite a sufficient reason for him to say it
+is, and to stick to it.
+
+Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people.  If a
+fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are
+broken, and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the
+newspaper with a triumphant air, and exclaims, 'Here's your
+precious people!'  If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at
+race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the young gentleman
+looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the conduct of the
+people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play and the
+afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries 'No' and 'Shame' till he
+is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular
+moderation NOW; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for
+him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells
+upon it with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never
+fails to do, the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they
+head, cheer with great violence against THE OTHER PEOPLE, with
+whom, of course, they have no possible connexion.  In much the same
+manner the audience at a theatre never fail to be highly amused
+with any jokes at the expense of the public-always laughing
+heartily at some other public, and never at themselves.
+
+If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
+profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions
+to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and
+logical deductions therefrom.  If he be of the utilitarian school,
+too, which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant
+company, having many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary
+principle and various cheerful disquisitions connected with the
+population of the country, the position of Great Britain in the
+scale of nations, and the balance of power.  Then he is exceedingly
+well versed in all doctrines of political economy as laid down in
+the newspapers, and knows a great many parliamentary speeches by
+heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, none of them
+exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the
+toughest question and leave you nothing to say.  He gives all the
+young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest
+woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr.
+Hawkins the new member, says he's very well for a representative,
+all things considered, but he wants a little calling to account,
+and he is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him
+down on his knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates.  At
+this, the young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a
+Member of Parliament is not to be brought upon his knees so easily;
+in reply to which the political young gentleman smiles sternly, and
+throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of that day,
+when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required to
+render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young
+ladies utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity,
+while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than
+blasphemous.
+
+It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political
+young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question
+across a dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were
+admitted to Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not
+convey small chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately
+set about chipping all the noses off the statues; or whether, if
+they once got into the Tower for a shilling, they would not insist
+upon trying the crown on their own heads, and loading and firing
+off all the small arms in the armoury, to the great discomposure of
+Whitechapel and the Minories.  Upon these, and many other momentous
+questions which agitate the public mind in these desperate days,
+they will discourse with great vehemence and irritation for a
+considerable time together, both leaving off precisely where they
+began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the better of
+the other.
+
+In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political
+young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political
+allusion, or anything which can be tortured or construed into being
+one; when, thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for
+their favourite discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth
+and nail.  They have recently had many favourable opportunities of
+opening in churches, but as there the clergyman has it all his own
+way, and must not be contradicted, whatever politics he preaches,
+they are fain to hold their tongues until they reach the outer
+door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the effort.
+
+As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties
+concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and
+discontinue them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the
+ladies have our advice to discountenance such talkers altogether.
+
+
+
+THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.
+We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this
+place, he will answer our purpose without another word of comment.
+
+Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his
+mother, just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles
+from St. Martin-le-Grand.  He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the
+weather is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly
+folded up in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over
+his mouth when he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near-
+sighted, he carries spectacles for particular occasions, and has a
+weakish tremulous voice, of which he makes great use, for he talks
+as much as any old lady breathing.
+
+The two chief subjects of Felix's discourse, are himself and his
+mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and
+interesting persons.  As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in
+body, so Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit.
+If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply
+with a long and minute bulletin of his mother's state of health;
+and the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a
+circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and
+coughed once after being out in the rain the other night, but
+having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a
+flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly
+than by this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the
+next morning, and enabled to go to business as usual.
+
+Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he
+has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify:  there
+is one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who
+wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the
+play, upon which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his
+mother thought would have crushed him to the earth, but which did
+not crush him quite, for he continued to demand another sixpence,
+notwithstanding that Felix took out his pocket-book, and, with the
+aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare in print, which the
+coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the street-door with a
+slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then, roused to the
+most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a double
+knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with
+uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and
+running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at
+the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon
+says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.
+She never will forget his fury that night, Never!
+
+To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally
+looking at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has
+made an end of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for
+three weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel;
+whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to
+know what he would have done to him if he HAD seen him, at which
+Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right fist, she exclaims,
+'Goodness gracious!' with a distracted air, and insists upon
+extorting a promise that he never will on any account do anything
+so rash, which her dutiful son-it being something more than three
+years since the offence was committed-reluctantly concedes, and his
+mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his
+spirit will lead him into something violent yet.  The discourse
+then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows
+within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes
+eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used
+to sit up till two o'clock in the morning reading French, and how
+his mother used to say, 'Felix, you will make yourself ill, I know
+you will;' and how HE used to say, 'Mother, I don't care-I will do
+it;' and how at last his mother privately procured a doctor to come
+and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse, that if he
+had gone on reading one night more-only one night more-he must have
+put a blister on each temple, and another between his shoulders;
+and who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and writing a
+prescription for a blue pill, said it must be taken immediately, or
+he wouldn't answer for the consequences.  The recital of these and
+many other moving perils of the like nature, constantly harrows up
+the feelings of Mr. Nixon's friends.
+
+Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance,
+being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the
+unmarried girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues
+of her son, hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins
+him, but that they must mind their P's and Q's, for he is very
+particular, and terribly severe upon young ladies.  At this last
+caution the young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be
+spending the evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before
+their mouths, and are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix
+knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the
+fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in the back
+parlour that he needn't mind coming in in his slippers, for there
+are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite
+sure they will excuse HIM, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she
+adds, in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with
+Felix, at which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss
+Thompson in particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix
+coming in, very faint for want of his tea, changes the subject of
+discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey
+not to be so foolish.  Here they all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon
+says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the proceedings,
+Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the grateful
+herb that 'cheers but not inebriates,' removes his cup from his
+countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are;
+whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not
+to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies,
+and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly
+indeed, is perfectly satisfied.
+
+Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix
+insists upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it
+on a card.  This process having been performed to the satisfaction
+of all parties, he brings down his flute in compliance with a
+request from the youngest Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of
+a very small music-book till supper-time, when he is very facetious
+and talkative indeed.  Finally, after half a tumblerful of warm
+sherry and water, he gallantly puts on his goloshes over his
+slippers, and telling Miss Thompson's servant to run on first and
+get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house, five doors
+off:  the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one stopping to
+peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back again,
+when they call out 'Very well, Mr. Felix,' and trip into the
+passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever
+played.
+
+Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little
+priggish about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all
+their peculiar corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed
+all his female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long
+ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor.  He is a favourite
+with them however, in a certain way, as an honest, inoffensive,
+kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities harm nobody, not
+even himself, we are induced to hope that many who are not
+personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his
+behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his
+harmless existence.
+
+
+
+THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society,
+upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning
+over of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the
+above appellation.  Young ladies mildly call him a 'sarcastic'
+young gentleman, or a 'severe' young gentleman.  We, who know
+better, beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a
+censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.
+
+The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his
+familiars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by
+receiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a
+dubious sneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of
+anything you please but good-humour.  This sets people about
+thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman means, and
+they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something very
+deep indeed; for they reason in this way-'This young gentleman
+looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as I am by
+no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must have
+if I can't find it out!'  It is extraordinary how soon a censorious
+young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small circle if he
+bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings accordingly.
+
+As young ladies are generally-not curious, but laudably desirous to
+acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked
+about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him.  'I
+wonder,' exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work
+to turn up the lamp, 'I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be
+married.'  'Bless me, dear,' cries Miss Marshall, 'what ever made
+you think of him?'  'Really I hardly know,' replies Miss Greenwood;
+'he is such a very mysterious person, that I often wonder about
+him.'  'Well, to tell you the truth,' replies Miss Marshall, 'and
+so do I.'  Here two other young ladies profess that they are
+constantly doing the like, and all present appear in the same
+condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that
+she considers Mr. Fairfax 'a horror,' draws down all the opposition
+of the others, which having been expressed in a great many
+ejaculatory passages, such as 'Well, did I ever!'-and 'Lor, Emily,
+dear!' ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she must
+say she does not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but
+rather takes him to be a young man of very great ability; 'and I am
+quite sure,' adds the worthy lady, 'he always means a great deal
+more than he says.'
+
+The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all
+people alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has
+been the subject of conversation!  'Well, it really is curious,'
+cries ma, 'we were at that very moment talking about you.'  'You
+did me great honour,' replies Mr. Fairfax; 'may I venture to ask
+what you were saying?'  'Why, if you must know,' returns the eldest
+girl, 'we were remarking what a very mysterious man you are.'  'Ay,
+ay!' observes Mr. Fairfax, 'Indeed!'  Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay,
+ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves, with
+so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very
+equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever
+convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very
+dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody,
+which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young
+gentleman is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, 'Oh,
+dear, no,' in a tone, obviously intended to mean, 'You have me
+there,' and which gives them to understand that they have hit the
+right nail on the very centre of its head.
+
+When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the
+censorious young gentleman's behaviour, to the general topics of
+the day, he sustains his character to admiration.  He considers the
+new tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us-well,
+no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he would
+rather not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he
+would be.  'But is not Mr. So-and-so's performance truly charming?'
+inquires a young lady.  'Charming!' replies the censorious young
+gentleman.  'Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very charming-oh, very
+charming indeed.'  After this, he stirs the fire, smiling
+contemptuously all the while:  and a modest young gentleman, who
+has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it must be,
+to have such a critical judgment.  Of music, pictures, books, and
+poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine
+conception.  As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a
+glance.  'Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,' says
+some great believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, 'but don't be too
+severe.'  'I never am severe,' replies the censorious young
+gentleman.  'Well, never mind that now.  She is very lady-like, is
+she not?'  'Lady-like!' repeats the censorious young gentleman (for
+he always repeats when he is at a loss for anything to say).  'Did
+you observe her manner?  Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson,
+did you observe her manner?-that's all I ask.'  'I thought I had
+done so,' rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; 'I did not observe
+it very closely perhaps.'  'Oh, not very closely,' rejoins the
+censorious young gentleman, triumphantly.  'Very good; then _I_
+did.  Let us talk no more about her.'  The censorious young
+gentleman purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says
+this; and it is forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who,
+though he is a little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very
+excellent judge) has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs.
+Barker's manner.
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny
+young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and
+behaviour of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened
+to meet at an annual family Christmas party in the course of this
+very last Christmas that ever came.
+
+We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly
+as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily-for,
+being an old-fashioned party, there WAS an urn, and a teapot
+besides-when there came a postman's knock at the door, so violent
+and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually caused
+two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies to
+scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and
+distress, until they had been several times assured by their
+respective adorers, that they were in no danger.  We were about to
+remark that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a
+runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with
+wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and
+offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins.
+He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company and
+all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as
+if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave
+vent to various exclamations of-To be sure it must be Griggins, and
+How like him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many
+other commendatory remarks of the like nature.
+
+Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely
+desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a
+stout gentleman with a powdered head, who was sitting with his
+breeches buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit
+of the first water, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being
+announced, presented himself, amidst another shout of laughter and
+a loud clapping of hands from the younger branches.  This welcome
+he acknowledged by sundry contortions of countenance, imitative of
+the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which were so extremely
+successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in a
+paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if somebody
+didn't make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death
+of him, he knew.  At this the company only laughed more
+boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our
+tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which
+we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, 'Oh!
+capital, capital!' as loud as any of them.
+
+When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received
+the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through
+the needful introductions with much ease and many puns.  This
+ceremony over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody's lap
+unless the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being
+done, after a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed
+himself among them, and likened his condition to that of love among
+the roses.  At this novel jest we all roared once more.  'You
+should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,' said we.  'Sir,'
+replied Mr. Griggins, 'you do me proud.'  Here everybody laughed
+again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear
+that Griggins was making a dead set at us.
+
+The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round
+game, and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy,
+abstracting other people's fish, and looking over their hands in
+the most comical manner.  He made one most excellent joke in
+snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor less than setting
+fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and
+afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour.  As the
+young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in
+consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go
+off quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young
+gentleman was heard to murmur some general references to
+'impertinence,' and a 'rascal,' and to state the number of his
+lodgings in an angry tone-a turn of the conversation which might
+have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a young lady,
+betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate
+influence to bring about a reconciliation:  emphatically declaring
+in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but
+audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she
+never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that
+she must always regard him.  At this terrible threat the young
+gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the
+revulsion of feeling, instantaneously fainted.
+
+Mr. Griggins's spirits were slightly depressed for a short period
+by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but
+being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several
+glasses of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious
+than before, insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred
+to, assured us that although he had known him since he was THAT
+high (something smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld
+him in such excellent cue.
+
+When the round game and several games at blind man's buff which
+followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the
+inexhaustible Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from
+his waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the
+assembled females, which occasioned great commotion and much
+excitement.  We observed that several young gentlemen-including the
+young gentleman with the pale countenance-were greatly scandalised
+at this indecorous proceeding, and talked very big among themselves
+in corners; and we observed too, that several young ladies when
+remonstrated with by the aforesaid young gentlemen, called each
+other to witness how they had struggled, and protested vehemently
+that it was very rude, and that they were surprised at Mrs. Brown's
+allowing it, and that they couldn't bear it, and had no patience
+with such impertinence.  But such is the gentle and forgiving
+nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we
+could not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent
+treatment of Mr. Griggins.  Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us
+that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than before!
+
+To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill
+such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside
+cover.  How he drank out of other people's glasses, and ate of
+other people's bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions
+a little boy who was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by
+sinking below the table and suddenly reappearing with a mask on;
+how the hostess was really surprised that anybody could find a
+pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host frowned at the
+hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it with the
+very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how
+everybody's good-humour was restored but the child's;-to tell these
+and a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of
+our room and our readers' patience, than either they or we can
+conveniently spare.  Therefore we change the subject, merely
+observing that we have offered no description of the funny young
+gentleman's personal appearance, believing that almost every
+society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers to
+supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances of
+their particular case.
+
+
+
+THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+All gentlemen who love the drama-and there are few gentlemen who
+are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our
+amusements-do not come within this definition.  As we have no mean
+relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are
+disinterestedly anxious that this should be perfectly understood.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information
+on all theatrical topics.  'Well,' says he, abruptly, when you meet
+him in the street, 'here's a pretty to-do.  Flimkins has thrown up
+his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.'-'And what's to be done?'
+you inquire with as much gravity as you can counterfeit.  'Ah,
+that's the point,' replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking
+very serious; 'Boozle declines it; positively declines it.  From
+all I am told, I should say it was decidedly in Boozle's line, and
+that he would be very likely to make a great hit in it; but he
+objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put up in the part
+first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take the
+character.  It's a fine part, too-excellent business, I'm told.  He
+has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight
+over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as
+can be.  Don't mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he
+is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora,
+will be the greatest thing that has been done these many years.'
+With this piece of news, and laying his finger on his lips as a
+caution for you not to excite the town with it, the theatrical
+young gentleman hurries away.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the
+different theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for
+them all.  Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane,
+the Victoria the vic, and the Olympic the pic.  Actresses, too, are
+always designated by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett,
+Faucit, Honey; that talented and lady-like girl Sheriff, that
+clever little creature Horton, and so on.  In the same manner he
+prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors, as Charley Young,
+Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford.  When he is at a loss
+for a Christian name, the word 'old' applied indiscriminately
+answers quite as well:  as old Charley Matthews at Vestris's, old
+Harley, and old Braham.  He has a great knowledge of the private
+proceedings of actresses, especially of their getting married, and
+can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names
+without avowing it.  Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in
+the playbills, he will remind you that he let you into the secret
+six months ago.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that
+is connected with the stage department of the different theatres.
+He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way,
+to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks
+with a curious and searching eye.  If he can only identify a
+popular actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of
+delight; and no sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a
+few paces in front of him, so that he can turn round from time to
+time, and have a good stare at his features.  He looks upon a
+theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities
+ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and
+see so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the
+highest gratifications the world can bestow.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at
+one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all
+pieces which display the fullest resources of the establishment.
+He likes to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he
+goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of
+enthusiasm, as not only to believe (if the bills say so) that there
+are three hundred and seventy-five people on the stage at one time
+in the last scene, but is highly indignant with you, unless you
+believe it also.  He considers that if the stage be opened from the
+foot-lights to the back wall, in any new play, the piece is a
+triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds accordingly.  He has a
+great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any character going down
+or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or a demon-
+they both do it occasionally) one of the most interesting feats in
+the whole range of scenic illusion.
+
+Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
+communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
+which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to
+his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table.  Thus
+he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous
+livery waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler,
+to administer half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came
+off, without which assistance he must infallibly have fainted.  He
+knows for a fact, that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett
+is put between two feather beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is
+credibly informed, that Mr. Baker has, for many years, submitted to
+a course of lukewarm toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his
+favourite characters.  He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal
+dramatic genius and poet of the day; but holds that there are great
+writers extant besides him,-in proof whereof he refers you to
+various dramas and melodramas recently produced, of which he takes
+in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as they
+appear.
+
+The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
+emotion and redundancy of action.  If a father has to curse a child
+upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going
+style, with no mistake about it:  to which end it is essential that
+the child should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked
+violently over on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a
+small cottage, and shuts the door behind him.  He likes to see a
+blessing invoked upon the young lady, when the old gentleman
+repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the usual
+conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking
+anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and
+then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young
+lady's head-soft music playing all the while.  Upon these, and
+other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a
+great critic indeed.  He is likewise very acute in judging of
+natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely the frown,
+wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or the means
+by which it may be converted into any other:  as jealousy, with a
+good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with the
+hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is
+passionate love.  If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy
+of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman
+assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in
+that way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this
+time of day to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply
+that you suppose not.
+
+There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
+theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies
+whom he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we
+have no space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest
+content with calling the attention of the young ladies in general
+to the theatrical young gentlemen of their own acquaintance.
+
+
+
+THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic
+raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the
+influence of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down
+their shirt collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets
+with bare throats and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an
+astonished public.  These were poetical young gentlemen.  The
+custom was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the
+necessity of too much clean linen and too large washing bills, and
+these outward symptoms have consequently passed away; but we are
+disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of poetical
+young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.
+
+We know a poetical young gentleman-a very poetical young gentleman.
+We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in
+any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and
+melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction
+of soul:  he seldom has his hair cut, and often talks about being
+an outcast and wanting a kindred spirit; from which, as well as
+from many general observations in which he is wont to indulge,
+concerning mysterious impulses, and yearnings of the heart, and the
+supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly things with the glowing
+magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all his friends that he has
+been stricken poetical.
+
+The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging
+on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt
+upright in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the
+opposite wall.  When he is in one of these positions, his mother,
+who is a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to
+bespeak your attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and
+whisper with a shake of the head, that John's imagination is at
+some extraordinary work or other, you may take her word for it.
+Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before,
+and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three
+words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once
+or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon his
+head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.
+
+The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of
+things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical
+obliquity of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted.  For
+instance, when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched
+woman was affording delicious food wherewithal to gorge the
+insatiable curiosity of the public, our friend the poetical young
+gentleman was in ecstasies-not of disgust, but admiration.
+'Heavens!' cried the poetical young gentleman, 'how grand; how
+great!'  We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these
+epithets were bestowed:  our humble thoughts oscillating between
+the police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who
+found the head.  'Upon whom!' exclaimed the poetical young
+gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, 'Upon whom should they be bestowed
+but upon the murderer!'-and thereupon it came out, in a fine
+torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a bold
+creature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart and
+determined courage, and withal a great casuist and able reasoner,
+as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies with the
+great and noble of the land.  We held our peace, and meekly
+signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions-firstly,
+because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young
+gentleman; and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use
+our entering into any disputation, if we were:  being perfectly
+convinced that the respectable and immoral hero in question is not
+the first and will not be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false
+sympathy or diseased curiosity will be plentifully expended.
+
+This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.  In
+his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his
+neckcloth, and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a
+Lady's Magazine, or the 'Poets' Corner' of some country newspaper;
+or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the
+rainbow leaves of a lady's album.  These are generally written upon
+some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by
+midnight, or beholding Saint Paul's in a snow-storm; and when these
+gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his
+soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that
+he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up.
+
+The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
+favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.
+He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given
+to opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink,
+that there is nothing in it worth living for.  He gives you to
+understand, however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear
+his part in the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification
+of his own strong desire to make a premature exit; and consoles
+himself with the reflection, that immortality has some chosen nook
+for himself and the other great spirits whom earth has chafed and
+wearied.
+
+When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are
+all superlatives.  Everything is of the grandest, greatest,
+noblest, mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest,
+vilest, and most pitiful.  He knows no medium:  for enthusiasm is
+the soul of poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young
+gentleman?  'Mr. Milkwash,' says a young lady as she unlocks her
+album to receive the young gentleman's original impromptu
+contribution, 'how very silent you are!  I think you must be in
+love.'  'Love!' cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from
+his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at
+full speed, 'Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of
+the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart.  Love!  The withering,
+blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.  Love
+did you say!  Ha! ha! ha!'
+
+With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging
+only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits
+down, pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the
+biting, semi-atheistical demoniac style, which, like the poetical
+young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury, signifying
+nothing.
+
+
+
+THE 'THROWING-OFF' YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+There is a certain kind of impostor-a bragging, vaunting, puffing
+young gentleman-against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer
+part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our
+labours.  And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress
+upon this division of our subject, by a little dialogue we held
+some short time ago, with an esteemed young lady of our
+acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen of this class of men.
+We had been urging all the absurdities of his conduct and
+conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he constantly
+recounted-to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a certain
+hard little word of one syllable and three letters-when our fair
+friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly
+cried, 'Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then-'
+What then?  Throw him off yourself, said we.  And so she did, but
+not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have
+been better if she had done so at first.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of
+vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with
+some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this
+description of themselves.  The deceased grandfather of the
+throwing-off young gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and
+untold wealth; the throwing-off young gentleman remembers, as well
+as if it were only yesterday, the deceased baronet's library, with
+its long rows of scarce and valuable books in superbly embossed
+bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the lofty ceiling to the
+oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble
+old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect of hill
+and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting
+stables and the spacious court-yards, 'and-and-everything upon the
+same magnificent scale,' says the throwing-off young gentleman,
+'princely; quite princely.  Ah!'  And he sighs as if mourning over
+the fallen fortunes of his noble house.
+
+The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
+running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all
+games of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding,
+driving, or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him-that is COULD
+not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there
+should be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite
+out of practice just now, and has been for some years.  If you
+mention any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in his
+hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, smiles, and begs
+you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary:  people do say
+indeed that they were once engaged, but no-although she is a very
+fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn't
+possibly encourage the-'but it's of no use talking about it!' he
+adds, interrupting himself.  'She has got over it now, and I firmly
+hope and trust is happy.'  With this benevolent aspiration he nods
+his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of
+some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to change the
+subject.
+
+There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young
+gentleman, which is, that he 'happens to be acquainted' with a most
+extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world.  Thus in
+all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has
+no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be
+acquainted with some distant person, intimately connected with the
+subject, whose testimony decides the point against you, to the
+great-may we say it-to the great admiration of three young ladies
+out of every four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a
+very highly-connected young man, and a most charming person.
+
+Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon
+a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the
+evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and
+summit of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means
+shines to equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society
+of over-credulous young ladies, which is his proper element.  It is
+delightful to hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off
+young gentleman gives utterance to, during tea, and still more so
+to observe the ease with which, from long practice and study, he
+delicately blends one compliment to a lady with two for himself.
+'Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this flower, Mr.
+Caveton?' asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather smitten
+with the throwing-off young gentleman.  'Never,' he replies,
+bending over the object of admiration, 'never but in your eyes.'
+'Oh, Mr. Caveton,' cries the young lady, blushing of course.
+'Indeed I speak the truth,' replies the throwing-off young
+gentleman, 'I never saw any approach to them.  I used to think my
+cousin's blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside
+yours.'  'Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!' replies the young
+lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing
+characteristic of all young ladies; 'an affair, of course.'  'No;
+indeed, indeed you wrong me,' rejoins the throwing-off young
+gentleman with great energy.  'I fervently hope that her attachment
+towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close
+intimacy in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new
+faces she may soon overcome it.  _I_ love her!  Think not so meanly
+of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands,
+riches, and beauty, can influence MY choice.  The heart, the heart,
+Miss Lowfield.'  Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks his
+voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims
+to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their
+bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton's relations are all immensely rich,
+and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and
+beauty.
+
+We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain
+knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to
+recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar
+when he had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an
+instrument within a mile of the house.
+
+We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking
+a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by
+dint of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of
+wondering listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly
+unable to sing out of tune, let him try as he would.  We have lived
+to witness the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman,
+who went out a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and
+tassel, and who, after passing successfully for a captain and being
+lauded to the skies for his red whiskers, his bravery, his
+soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to be the dishonest son
+of an honest linen-draper in a small country town, and whom, if it
+were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet despair of
+encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress.
+Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often
+swindlers, and always fools.  So pray you avoid them.
+
+
+
+THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN
+
+
+
+This young gentleman has several titles.  Some young ladies
+consider him 'a nice young man,' others 'a fine young man,' others
+'quite a lady's man,' others 'a handsome man,' others 'a remarkably
+good-looking young man.'  With some young ladies he is 'a perfect
+angel,' and with others 'quite a love.'  He is likewise a charming
+creature, a duck, and a dear.
+
+The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and
+very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on
+every possible opportunity.  He has brown or black hair, and
+whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or
+the hue which is vulgarly known as SANDY, is not considered an
+objection.  If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and
+his figure square, he is an uncommonly fine young man, and
+worshipped accordingly.  Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin,
+so much the better, though this is not absolutely insisted on; but
+he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile constantly.
+
+There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours
+last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.  As we hold that such
+wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the
+smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably
+have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that
+the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such
+occasions by a choice sample of the young ladies' young gentleman,
+whom we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting.  This
+determined us, and we went.
+
+We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a
+trifling company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging
+to the projectors on the box-and to start from the residence of the
+projectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten
+precisely.  We arrived at the place of rendezvous at the appointed
+time, and found the glass coaches and the little boys quite ready,
+and divers young ladies and young gentlemen looking anxiously over
+the breakfast-parlour blinds, who appeared by no means so much
+gratified by our approach as we might have expected, but evidently
+wished we had been somebody else.  Observing that our arrival in
+lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we ventured to
+inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty reply of
+a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies' young
+gentleman.
+
+'I cannot imagine,' said the mamma, 'what has become of Mr. Balim-
+always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.  I am sure I
+can-NOT think.'  As these last words were uttered in that measured,
+emphatic manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not
+quite made up his or her mind what to say, but is determined to
+talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took up the subject, and
+hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a
+general chorus of 'Dear Mr. Balim!' and one young lady, more
+adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express should be
+straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim's lodgings.  This, however, the
+papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short young lady
+behind us termed 'quite a bearish way,' that if Mr. Balim didn't
+choose to come, he might stop at home.  At this all the daughters
+raised a murmur of 'Oh pa!' except one sprightly little girl of
+eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the
+discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married
+that morning-for which impertinent suggestion she was summarily
+ejected from the room by her eldest sister.
+
+We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when
+one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little
+boys usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in
+the holidays, and keep their hands constantly forced down to the
+bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they take exercise,
+joyfully announced that Mr. Balim was at that moment coming up the
+street in a hackney-cab; and the intelligence was confirmed beyond
+all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of Mr. Balim himself,
+who was received with repeated cries of 'Where have you been, you
+naughty creature?' whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he
+had been in bed, in consequence of a late party the night before,
+and had only just risen.  The acknowledgment awakened a variety of
+agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which appearing
+after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the case,
+breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr.
+Balim's repeated protestations that he couldn't think of it.  He
+did think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a
+remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a
+select knot of young ladies.  It was quite delightful to see how he
+ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee,
+and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the
+company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches, and
+the glass coaches,-and the little boys looking on in an agony of
+apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it
+might have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back
+again, and welcome, for aught they cared.
+
+However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being
+accommodated with a hamper between his legs something larger than a
+wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as they
+possibly could in the carriages, 'according,' as one married lady
+observed, 'to the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion
+of gipsy parties.'  Thinking it very likely it might be (we have
+never been able to discover the other half), we submitted to be
+stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate enough to
+occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four young
+ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies' young
+gentleman.
+
+We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies' young
+gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady
+to inquire whether he had danced to that the night before.  'By
+Heaven, then, I did,' replied the young gentleman, 'and with a
+lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.'
+'You seem rather struck,' observed another young lady.  ''Gad she
+was a sweet creature,' returned the young gentleman, arranging his
+hair.  'Of course SHE was struck too?' inquired the first young
+lady.  'How can you ask, love?' interposed the second; 'could she
+fail to be?'  'Well, honestly I think she was,' observed the young
+gentleman.  At this point of the dialogue, the young lady who had
+spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman's right, struck
+him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a vain
+man-whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud,
+and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a
+charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young
+gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud.  This little skirmish
+over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled
+sweetly upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt;
+the young gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting
+discussion took place upon the important point whether the young
+gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeable conversation
+of a light kind, lasted a considerable time.  At length, a short
+silence occurring, the young ladies on either side of the young
+gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; and the young gentleman,
+winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair of gloves from
+each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness and to
+scream very loud.  The lively conversation to which this pleasantry
+gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would have
+eked out a much longer one.
+
+We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
+circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw
+and the bread.  The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which
+they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to
+inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very
+fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got
+exceedingly drunk at a respectful distance.
+
+We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
+flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of
+young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from
+their plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly
+captivating from its excessive playfulness.  His conversation, too,
+was exceedingly brilliant.  In fact, one elderly lady assured us,
+that in the course of a little lively badinage on the subject of
+ladies' dresses, he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been
+born and bred a milliner.
+
+As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after
+dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away
+alone into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr.
+Balim, the greater part of the young people having dropped off in
+twos and threes and the young ladies' young gentleman among them.
+Nor were we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping
+through the trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a
+pleasant thing to contemplate his greatness.
+
+The young ladies' young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at
+the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was
+so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty
+spoils, that he looked like a lamb-or perhaps a calf would be a
+better simile-adorned for the sacrifice.  One young lady supported
+a parasol over his interesting head, another held his hat, and a
+third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown off;
+the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and his
+face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, was
+warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise of
+female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we burst
+into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty retreat.
+
+What charming fellows these young ladies' young gentlemen are!
+Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express
+their merit.  They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully,
+nice men.
+
+
+
+CONCLUSION
+
+
+
+As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of
+young gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume
+given them to understand how much we reverence and admire their
+numerous virtues and perfections; as we have given them such strong
+reasons to treat us with confidence, and to banish, in our case,
+all that reserve and distrust of the male sex which, as a point of
+general behaviour, they cannot do better than preserve and
+maintain-we say, as we have done all this, we feel that now, when
+we have arrived at the close of our task, they may naturally press
+upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young gentlemen
+we can conscientiously recommend.
+
+Here we are at a loss.  We look over our list, and can neither
+recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young
+gentleman, nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military
+young gentleman, nor the political young gentleman, nor the
+domestic young gentleman, nor the censorious young gentleman, nor
+the funny young gentleman, nor the theatrical young gentleman, nor
+the poetical young gentleman, nor the throwing-off young gentleman,
+nor the young ladies' young gentleman.
+
+As there are some good points about many of them, which still are
+not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as
+a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for
+a young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all,
+and the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the
+hymeneal altar, whether he will or no.  And to the young lady who
+secures him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial
+advice, selected from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to
+be found in a letter written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her
+marriage.
+
+'The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the
+esteem of your husband.  Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer
+him to ESTEEM you against his judgment; and although he is not
+capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing
+indifferent and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the
+loss of youth and beauty with more durable qualities.  You have but
+a very few years to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world;
+and as few months to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a
+fool; for I hope you do not still dream of charms and raptures,
+which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to.'
+
+From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the
+fortunate lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the
+young gentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other
+than ourself.  Without in any way committing ourself upon this
+point, we have merely to observe, that we are ready to receive
+sealed offers containing a full specification of age, temper,
+appearance, and condition; but we beg it to be distinctly
+understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest
+bidder.
+
+These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman
+and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other
+testimonials of approbation from the young ladies generally, are
+respectfully requested to be addressed.
+
+
+
+
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+<title>Sketches of Young Gentlemen</title>
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+<h2>
+<a href="#startoftext">Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens</a>
+</h2>
+<pre>
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens
+(#26 in our series by Charles Dickens)
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen
+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
+Release Date: May, 1997  [EBook #918]
+[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997]
+[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+</pre>
+<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p>
+<p>Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price,
+email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div>
+<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN</h1>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div>
+<p>TO THE YOUNG LADIES<br />OF THE<br />UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN
+AND IRELAND;<br />ALSO<br />THE YOUNG LADIES<br />OF<br />THE PRINCIPALITY
+OF WALES,<br />AND LIKEWISE<br />THE YOUNG LADIES<br />RESIDENT IN THE
+ISLES OF<br />GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK,<br />THE HUMBLE
+DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,</p>
+<p>SHEWETH, -</p>
+<p>THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation,
+a work purporting to be &lsquo;Sketches of Young Ladies;&rsquo; written
+by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo.</p>
+<p>THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
+Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable
+sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo
+or any other mo.</p>
+<p>THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable
+sex are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator
+is not at present prepared to deny that you <i>are</i> animals, still
+he humbly submits that it is not polite to call you so.</p>
+<p>THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described
+as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable
+sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and disrespectful
+appellation.</p>
+<p>THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice
+prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator
+contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of
+Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion,
+and implies an intention of quizzing.</p>
+<p>THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author
+of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed
+in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could
+have acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs
+of your Honourable sex in general.</p>
+<p>THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
+slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in
+the said work, square twelvemo, entitled &lsquo;Sketches of Young Ladies,&rsquo;
+your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled
+&lsquo;Sketches of Young Gentlemen,&rsquo; of which he now solicits
+your acceptance and approval.</p>
+<p>THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen,
+so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies;
+and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful
+language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly
+suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should
+possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable
+sex who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time
+in swallowing the last,&mdash;prevention being in all cases better than
+cure, as we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment,
+but also of traditionary wisdom.</p>
+<p>THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator
+has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions
+issued with Doctor Morison&rsquo;s pills; namely, that whenever your
+Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to
+take fifty of Number 2, without delay.</p>
+<p>And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &amp;c.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite
+a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly
+attracted our attention.</p>
+<p>This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise
+of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very velvet-like,
+soft-looking countenance.&nbsp; We do not use the latter term invidiously,
+but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks
+of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather remarkable for the fresh
+hue of the lips than for any marked or striking expression it presented.&nbsp;
+His whole face was suffused with a crimson blush, and bore that downcast,
+timid, retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease with himself.</p>
+<p>There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
+remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young
+gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs,
+into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards
+us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons
+who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and
+pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after
+which he dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his
+way a fine little girl of six years and a quarter old&mdash;and shrouding
+himself behind some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye
+of the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement
+of dinner, he was requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of
+two or three and thirty.</p>
+<p>This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
+gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high respect,
+and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had not
+suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a desperate
+effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilderment
+of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random.&nbsp; This impression
+was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful young
+gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view of
+ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.</p>
+<p>The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings,
+and turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his
+loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.&nbsp; There was nothing very
+bad in this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and
+say nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would
+have been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful
+attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen
+in the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and
+then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked
+it with great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance,
+to the unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman,
+who was dispensing the contents.&nbsp; We thought the bashful young
+gentleman would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon
+the violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.</p>
+<p>From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that
+it was &lsquo;all up&rsquo; with the bashful young gentleman, and so
+indeed it was.&nbsp; Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve
+his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only
+augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry, champagne,
+hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part of the mixture
+externally, instead of internally, they gradually dropped off, and left
+him to the exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the
+wildness of his eye, firmly believed she had secured a listener.&nbsp;
+He broke a glass or two in the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly
+afterwards; it is inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch
+as he left the house in another gentleman&rsquo;s coat, and the footman&rsquo;s
+hat.</p>
+<p>This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent characteristics
+of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this portable volume
+will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future generations,
+we record them here for their guidance and behoof.</p>
+<p>If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance
+to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance,
+nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation.&nbsp; His first impulse
+is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does
+until, observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to
+do so or not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them
+to do the same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary
+dodging and falling up against the other passengers, he returns and
+shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing which he
+knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks
+up, and returns very muddy and disordered.&nbsp; The chances are that
+the bashful young gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and
+being reminded that it has only just left off raining for the first
+time these three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had
+said a very good thing.&nbsp; The young lady who was most anxious to
+speak, here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear
+sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the
+slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is remarkably
+well.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, Mr. Hopkins!&rsquo; cries the young lady, &lsquo;why,
+we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly miserable
+about her.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, ah,&rsquo; says the young gentleman,
+&lsquo;so she was.&nbsp; Oh, she&rsquo;s very ill, very ill indeed.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+The young gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding
+(he has been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short
+pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a
+strong emphasis on the adjective, &lsquo;<i>Good</i> morning, <i>good</i>
+morning.&rsquo;&nbsp; And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment
+of several little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces,
+and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat
+off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he
+is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter attracts
+his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile cheerfully to
+the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the satisfaction
+of seeing, are all laughing heartily.</p>
+<p>At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains
+as near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he
+smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward
+to shake hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition
+seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before.&nbsp; He declines dancing
+the first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather
+wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself
+to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing
+furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies
+are congregated together.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously.&nbsp; Mr. Hopkins bows, and
+his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well
+knows, to make himself agreeable.&nbsp; The young lady more than half
+expects that the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the
+bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has
+got anything to say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed
+to conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to him.&nbsp; Meanwhile,
+the young lady, after several inspections of her <i>bouquet</i>, all
+made in the expectation that the bashful young gentleman is going to
+talk, whispers her mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the
+bashful young gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very
+good reason) must be about <i>him</i>.&nbsp; In this comfortable condition
+he remains until it is time to &lsquo;stand up,&rsquo; when murmuring
+a &lsquo;Will you allow me?&rsquo; he gives the young lady his arm,
+and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that
+she has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille,
+and making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate
+failure, preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he
+walks her twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires
+in confusion.</p>
+<p>A married bashful gentleman&mdash;for these bashful gentlemen do
+get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to
+us&mdash;a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear
+bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own insignificance.&nbsp;
+Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or avoided.&nbsp; They are
+never hopeless, and never will be, while female beauty and attractions
+retain their influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it
+worth while on this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes&mdash;those
+who have something to do, and those who have nothing.&nbsp; I shall
+commence with the former, because that species come more frequently
+under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and
+to instruct.</p>
+<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
+instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general
+direction to &lsquo;make that what&rsquo;s-a-name a regular bang-up
+sort of thing.&rsquo;&nbsp; For some years past, the favourite costume
+of the out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with
+two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger
+than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed
+hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots.&nbsp;
+Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on special
+occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat pockets.&nbsp;
+He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears considerably.</p>
+<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house
+or solicitor&rsquo;s office, in which he does as little as he possibly
+can: his chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the
+theatres.&nbsp; In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen
+have a pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving
+females and other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails
+to afford them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any
+immediate danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun of
+the thing materially.&nbsp; In all places of public resort, the out-and-outers
+are careful to select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at
+full length, and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other
+case) he lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted
+firmly on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make
+room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without going
+at all out of his way to do it.&nbsp; He always sits with his hat on,
+and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with
+a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be possible for one or
+two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in the passages,
+they are quite in their element, squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting
+in the most humorous manner possible.&nbsp; If they can only succeed
+in irritating the gentleman who has a family of daughters under his
+charge, they are like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their
+companions for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were
+&lsquo;devilish fine girls,&rsquo; and that they really thought the
+youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render
+the joke complete.</p>
+<p>If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of
+course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor
+things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited
+and moping for him.&nbsp; Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time,
+he cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend&rsquo;s,
+with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or
+two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging
+his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses
+nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all
+the way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by
+the recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu
+dinner at a fighting man&rsquo;s, and that a set-to was to take place
+on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law,
+which is probably &lsquo;coming off&rsquo; at that very instant.</p>
+<p>As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in
+ladies&rsquo; society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room
+when they reach the friend&rsquo;s, and unless one of his sisters is
+kind enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled
+by the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside
+the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and manner
+(for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother
+out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his way.&nbsp;
+Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outer
+confidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough sort and
+hates that kind of thing, only he couldn&rsquo;t very well be off coming;
+to which the other replies, that that&rsquo;s just his case&mdash;&lsquo;and
+I&rsquo;ll tell you what,&rsquo; continues the out-and-outer in a whisper,
+&lsquo;I should like a glass of warm brandy and water just now,&rsquo;&mdash;&lsquo;Or
+a pint of stout and a pipe,&rsquo; suggests the other out-and-outer.</p>
+<p>The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each
+of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands
+what&rsquo;s what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially
+when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman,
+long favourably known to his familiars as &lsquo;Mr. Warmint Blake,&rsquo;
+who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that
+would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who&mdash;having been
+a pretty long time about town&mdash;had the honour of once shaking hands
+with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.</p>
+<p>At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening
+up very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud
+their intention of beginning to spend the evening&mdash;a process which
+is generally understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great
+deal of wine is drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which
+feats the out-and-out young gentlemen execute to perfection.&nbsp; Having
+protracted their sitting until long after the host and the other guests
+have adjourned to the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained
+the decanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions rather
+heightened, and faces rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady
+of the house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great
+terror of the whole room, that &lsquo;both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins
+are very nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric
+persons, and unfortunately <i>rather too wild</i>!&rsquo;</p>
+<p>The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
+persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning
+any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.&nbsp; These respectable
+gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external
+appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive
+characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and
+then find their way into society, through the medium of the other class
+of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home,
+and who usually pay their tavern bills.&nbsp; As they are equally gentlemanly,
+clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have
+recommended them to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies,
+if it were not that some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such
+high respect, are perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many
+heavier terms with the light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth
+to take in a strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude
+of construction.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We know&mdash;and all people know&mdash;so many specimens of this
+class, that in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take
+from a great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly
+young gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon
+a more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign the
+priority.</p>
+<p>The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody,
+but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families:
+regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance,
+or some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest.&nbsp;
+He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must
+be fond of children, and is expected to make himself generally useful
+if possible.&nbsp; Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which
+is the shortest mode and the clearest.</p>
+<p>We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost
+sight for some years, and who&mdash;expressing a strong anxiety to renew
+our former intimacy&mdash;urged us to dine with him on an early day,
+that we might talk over old times.&nbsp; We readily assented, adding,
+that we hoped we should be alone.&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, certainly, certainly,&rsquo;
+said our friend, &lsquo;not a soul with us but Mincin.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;And who is Mincin?&rsquo; was our natural inquiry.&nbsp; &lsquo;O
+don&rsquo;t mind him,&rsquo; replied our friend, &lsquo;he&rsquo;s a
+most particular friend of mine, and a very friendly fellow you will
+find him;&rsquo; and so he left us.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves
+at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned
+towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the
+fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom
+he had spoken.&nbsp; It required no great penetration on our part to
+discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a very friendly
+young gentleman.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I am delighted,&rsquo; said Mincin, hastily advancing, and
+pressing our hand warmly between both of his, &lsquo;I am delighted,
+I am sure, to make your acquaintance&mdash;(here he smiled)&mdash;very
+much delighted indeed&mdash;(here he exhibited a little emotion)&mdash;I
+assure you that I have looked forward to it anxiously for a very long
+time:&rsquo; here he released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed,
+that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from
+our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on
+to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had
+that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to
+the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of Chichester,
+a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet seven inches
+in circumference, which he looked upon as a very extraordinary piece
+of intelligence.&nbsp; We ventured to remark, that we had a dim recollection
+of having once or twice before observed a similar paragraph in the public
+prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially by the button,
+and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we were very right, and he wondered
+what the editors meant by putting in such things.&nbsp; Who the deuce,
+he should like to know, did they suppose cared about them? that struck
+him as being the best of it.</p>
+<p>The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin&rsquo;s
+friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in
+consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large
+easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully
+closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see
+that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points,
+he expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how
+she found herself to-day.&nbsp; Upon the lady&rsquo;s replying very
+well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some
+general remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head,
+which occupied us agreeably until dinner-time.&nbsp; During the meal,
+he devoted himself to complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself,
+so that we were an uncommonly agreeable quartette.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you what, Capper,&rsquo; said Mr. Mincin to
+our host, as he closed the room door after the lady had retired, &lsquo;you
+have very great reason to be fond of your wife.&nbsp; Sweet woman, Mrs.
+Capper, sir!&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Nay, Mincin&mdash;I beg,&rsquo; interposed
+the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably
+was particularly sweet.&nbsp; &lsquo;Pray, Mincin, don&rsquo;t.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Why not?&rsquo; exclaimed Mr. Mincin, &lsquo;why not?&nbsp; Why
+should you feel any delicacy before your old friend&mdash;<i>our</i>
+old friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you,
+I ask?&rsquo;&nbsp; We of course wished to know why he should also,
+upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper <i>was</i> a very sweet
+woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried &lsquo;Bravo!&rsquo; and
+begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our
+host said, &lsquo;Thank you, Mincin,&rsquo; with deep feeling; and gave
+us, in a low voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper&rsquo;s
+cousin&rsquo;s life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half,
+which he considered no common circumstance&mdash;an opinion to which
+we most cordially subscribed.</p>
+<p>Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation,
+Mr. Mincin&rsquo;s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent;
+he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk
+about anything in which he had not the chief concern.&nbsp; We happened
+to allude to some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually
+engaged nearly fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once
+reminded of a joke which our friend had made on that day four years,
+which he positively must insist upon telling&mdash;and which he did
+tell accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what he said,
+and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he well remembered that they had
+been to the play with orders on the very night previous, and had seen
+Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint
+had been led into the lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after
+all, and went back again, with many other interesting and absorbing
+particulars: after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure
+us, that our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion
+of that same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two
+morning papers took the same view next day: to this our friend replied,
+with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some reason to think
+he had been correct, which gave the friendly young gentleman occasion
+to believe that our friend was always correct; and so we went on, until
+our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink one glass to his dear
+friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved the lives of his
+acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart.&nbsp; Finally, our
+friend having emptied his glass, said, &lsquo;God bless you, Mincin,&rsquo;&mdash;and
+Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much affection and
+earnestness.</p>
+<p>But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene
+like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased <i>&eacute;clat</i>.&nbsp;
+Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the
+Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear friends
+the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to mention.&nbsp;
+He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but how
+exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his dear
+friends!&nbsp; If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one
+little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin
+on the carpet riding on his foot.&nbsp; He carries Mrs. Watson down
+to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so
+judiciously, and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the
+most punctilious old lady to consider herself neglected.&nbsp; If any
+young lady, being prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards,
+Mr. Mincin leads her tenderly into the next room, and restores her with
+port wine, which she must take medicinally.&nbsp; If any gentleman be
+standing by the piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin
+seizes him by the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating
+time the while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception
+of the delicacy of the passage.&nbsp; If anybody&rsquo;s self-love is
+to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.&nbsp; If anybody&rsquo;s overweening
+vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it.&nbsp; What wonder
+that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin&rsquo;s friendliness;
+that he is universally allowed to be handsome as amiable; that mothers
+think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a beau, and fathers
+a wonder!&nbsp; And who would not have the reputation of the very friendly
+young gentleman?</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military
+young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young
+ladies of this kingdom.&nbsp; We cannot think so lightly of them as
+to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man&rsquo;s wearing a red
+coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if this
+were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance,
+because, although the analogy may in some degree hold good in the case
+of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and
+<i>they</i> are not to our knowledge better received than other men;
+nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear) not only red coats,
+but very resplendent and massive badges besides&mdash;much larger than
+epaulettes.&nbsp; Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the result
+of our inquiries be correct, find any peculiar favour in woman&rsquo;s
+eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the additional
+advantage of constantly appearing in public on horseback, which last
+circumstance may be naturally supposed to be greatly in their favour.</p>
+<p>We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise
+in the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen
+in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as
+fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their
+king and country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the
+inferior classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with
+a little gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure
+of the audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice
+spirits who consort with them.&nbsp; But we will not devote these pages
+to our speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the
+present moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched
+by her Majesty&rsquo;s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads
+are turned by it.&nbsp; For &lsquo;heads&rsquo; we had written &lsquo;brains;&rsquo;
+but upon consideration, we think the former the more appropriate word
+of the two.</p>
+<p>These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes&mdash;young
+gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having
+an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to
+a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations
+to wear out their existence in some ignoble counting-house.&nbsp; We
+will take this latter description of military young gentlemen first.</p>
+<p>The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated
+in his favourite topic.&nbsp; There is nothing that he is so learned
+upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant,
+what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment
+wear stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons
+the Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards
+and odd inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards;
+is deeply read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the
+apparelling of trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting
+upon &lsquo;crack regiments,&rsquo; and the &lsquo;crack&rsquo; gentlemen
+who compose them, of whose mightiness and grandeur he is never tired
+of telling.</p>
+<p>We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day,
+after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion
+of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles
+of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly &lsquo;cracked&rsquo;
+regiments would be an improvement upon &lsquo;crack,&rsquo; as being
+a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted
+us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must hurry off to
+the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the band play.&nbsp;
+Not wishing to interfere with so important an engagement, and being
+in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the anecdotes of the honourable
+ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no attempt to detain the military young
+gentleman, but parted company with ready good-will.</p>
+<p>Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
+Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to
+one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount
+guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance
+and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and
+horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all
+that was passing around him.&nbsp; We were not much surprised at the
+discovery that it was our friend, the military young gentleman, but
+we <i>were</i> a little astonished when we returned from a walk to South
+Lambeth to find him still there, looking on with the same intensity
+as before.&nbsp; As it was a very windy day, we felt bound to awaken
+the young gentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with great
+enthusiasm, whether &lsquo;that was not a glorious spectacle,&rsquo;
+and proceeded to give us a detailed account of the weight of every article
+of the spectacle&rsquo;s trappings, from the man&rsquo;s gloves to the
+horse&rsquo;s shoes.</p>
+<p>We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our
+daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen
+to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure,
+in periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.&nbsp;
+We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising
+young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot
+be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection
+of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity, and
+as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work.</p>
+<p>But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time,
+and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges
+from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes
+the way towards the high street.&nbsp; He wears his undress uniform,
+which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great,
+how grand, he is!&nbsp; What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in
+his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries that dreadful sword
+under his arm, making no more ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella!&nbsp;
+The lion is sleeping: only think if an enemy were in sight, how soon
+he&rsquo;d whip it out of the scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he
+would be!</p>
+<p>But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter;
+and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, arm-in-arm,
+who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels on the pavement,
+and clashing their swords with a noise, which should cause all peaceful
+men to quail at heart.&nbsp; They stop to talk.&nbsp; See how the flaxen-haired
+young gentleman with the weak legs&mdash;he who has his pocket-handkerchief
+thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians
+who linger to look upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates
+his head in the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while
+the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands
+behind him.&nbsp; Well may we inquire&mdash;not in familiar jest, but
+in respectful earnest&mdash;if you call that nothing.&nbsp; Oh! if some
+encroaching foreign power&mdash;the Emperor of Russia, for instance,
+or any of those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen
+as they move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn&rsquo;t
+he tremble a little!</p>
+<p>And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command
+of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison&mdash;what
+a splendid sight it is!&nbsp; How sternly the defenders of their country
+look round the house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they
+may make themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for
+they (the military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and
+are ready for anything.&nbsp; And what a contrast between them, and
+that stage-box full of grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles
+about them, who have nothing at all in common with the military young
+gentlemen, and who&mdash;but for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity
+in their looks and bearing&mdash;might be common hard-working soldiers
+for anything they take the pains to announce to the contrary!</p>
+<p>Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed
+young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them
+too, only he doesn&rsquo;t care to show it just now.&nbsp; Very well
+done indeed!&nbsp; He talks louder to the little group of military young
+gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies
+in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces may
+undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have subjected, in
+not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the female portion of the
+audience.&nbsp; Oh! a gentleman in the same box looks round as if he
+were disposed to resent this as an impertinence; and the flaxen-headed
+young gentleman sees his friends at once, and hurries away to them with
+the most charming cordiality.</p>
+<p>Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive
+the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in
+five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by
+the mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom
+he was walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young
+ladies and commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant
+bow upon a rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military
+young gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment
+three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole
+world.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Once upon a time&mdash;<i>not</i> in the days when pigs drank wine,
+but in a more recent period of our history&mdash;it was customary to
+banish politics when ladies were present.&nbsp; If this usage still
+prevailed, we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen,
+for ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a
+political young gentleman was.&nbsp; But as this good custom in common
+with many others has &lsquo;gone out,&rsquo; and left no word when it
+is likely to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means
+rare, and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are
+bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to neglect
+this natural division of our subject.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and
+there <i>are</i> political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes),
+he is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles
+communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so
+the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental
+vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling.&nbsp;
+The political young gentleman would as soon think of being struck with
+the beauty of a young lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream
+of marrying his sister to the opposite member.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually
+some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly
+explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to
+be very easily got over by the other side.&nbsp; He has also some choice
+sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use
+at the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at
+intervals with surprising effect.&nbsp; But his great topic is the constitution,
+upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much heat and
+fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, but
+because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state,
+and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows
+on the other side say it isn&rsquo;t, which is quite a sufficient reason
+for him to say it is, and to stick to it.</p>
+<p>Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people.&nbsp; If
+a fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken,
+and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with
+a triumphant air, and exclaims, &lsquo;Here&rsquo;s your precious people!&rsquo;&nbsp;
+If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time, when it ought
+to be kept clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs
+you to observe the conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe
+between the play and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries
+&lsquo;No&rsquo; and &lsquo;Shame&rsquo; till he is hoarse, and then
+inquires with a sneer what you think of popular moderation <i>now</i>;
+in short, the people form a never-failing theme for him; and when the
+attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it with great power
+of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, the young gentleman
+and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with great violence against
+<i>the other people</i>, with whom, of course, they have no possible
+connexion.&nbsp; In much the same manner the audience at a theatre never
+fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of the public&mdash;always
+laughing heartily at some other public, and never at themselves.</p>
+<p>If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
+profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions
+to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical
+deductions therefrom.&nbsp; If he be of the utilitarian school, too,
+which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having
+many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various
+cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country,
+the position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance
+of power.&nbsp; Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines
+of political economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great
+many parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms,
+none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle
+the toughest question and leave you nothing to say.&nbsp; He gives all
+the young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest
+woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins
+the new member, says he&rsquo;s very well for a representative, all
+things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and he
+is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him down on his
+knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates.&nbsp; At this, the
+young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament
+is not to be brought upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the
+political young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints
+regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members of Parliament
+will be paid salaries, and required to render weekly accounts of their
+proceedings, at which the young ladies utter many expressions of astonishment
+and incredulity, while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little
+else than blasphemous.</p>
+<p>It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young
+gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a
+dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to Westminster
+Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small chisels and
+hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping all the
+noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the Tower for
+a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on their own
+heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the armoury,
+to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories.&nbsp; Upon
+these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind
+in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and
+irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely
+where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the
+better of the other.</p>
+<p>In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political
+young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion,
+or anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when,
+thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite
+discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail.&nbsp;
+They have recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches,
+but as there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted,
+whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until
+they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in
+the effort.</p>
+<p>As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties concerned,
+we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue them, otherwise
+we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice to discountenance
+such talkers altogether.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.&nbsp;
+We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place,
+he will answer our purpose without another word of comment.</p>
+<p>Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother,
+just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St.
+Martin-le-Grand.&nbsp; He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather
+is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up
+in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when
+he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries
+spectacles for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice,
+of which he makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing.</p>
+<p>The two chief subjects of Felix&rsquo;s discourse, are himself and
+his mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting
+persons.&nbsp; As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so
+Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit.&nbsp; If
+you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with
+a long and minute bulletin of his mother&rsquo;s state of health; and
+the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial
+and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and coughed once after
+being out in the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly
+put into hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, which we
+will not describe more particularly than by this delicate allusion,
+was happily brought round by the next morning, and enabled to go to
+business as usual.</p>
+<p>Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he
+has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is
+one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted
+to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon
+which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought
+would have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite,
+for he continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix
+took out his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed
+out the fare in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding,
+he shut the street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think
+of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman
+knocking a double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he
+broke with uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl,
+and running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist
+at the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon
+says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.&nbsp;
+She never will forget his fury that night, Never!</p>
+<p>To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking
+at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end
+of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks
+afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs.
+Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would
+have done to him if he <i>had</i> seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly
+and clenching his right fist, she exclaims, &lsquo;Goodness gracious!&rsquo;
+with a distracted air, and insists upon extorting a promise that he
+never will on any account do anything so rash, which her dutiful son&mdash;it
+being something more than three years since the offence was committed&mdash;reluctantly
+concedes, and his mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with
+a sigh that his spirit will lead him into something violent yet.&nbsp;
+The discourse then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which
+glows within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes
+eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used
+to sit up till two o&rsquo;clock in the morning reading French, and
+how his mother used to say, &lsquo;Felix, you will make yourself ill,
+I know you will;&rsquo; and how <i>he</i> used to say, &lsquo;Mother,
+I don&rsquo;t care&mdash;I will do it;&rsquo; and how at last his mother
+privately procured a doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment
+he felt his pulse, that if he had gone on reading one night more&mdash;only
+one night more&mdash;he must have put a blister on each temple, and
+another between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon the
+instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it must be
+taken immediately, or he wouldn&rsquo;t answer for the consequences.&nbsp;
+The recital of these and many other moving perils of the like nature,
+constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon&rsquo;s friends.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance,
+being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried
+girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son,
+hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that
+they must mind their P&rsquo;s and Q&rsquo;s, for he is very particular,
+and terribly severe upon young ladies.&nbsp; At this last caution the
+young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be spending the
+evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and
+are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix knocks at the door,
+and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him
+as he takes off his boots in the back parlour that he needn&rsquo;t
+mind coming in in his slippers, for there are only the two Miss Greys
+and Miss Thompson, and she is quite sure they will excuse <i>him</i>,
+and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia
+Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at which intelligence the
+short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in particular is greatly
+troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea,
+changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly
+and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish.&nbsp; Here they all three
+laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the
+proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the
+grateful herb that &lsquo;cheers but not inebriates,&rsquo; removes
+his cup from his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all
+girls are; whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells
+him not to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young
+ladies, and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly
+indeed, is perfectly satisfied.</p>
+<p>Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists
+upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card.&nbsp;
+This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties,
+he brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest
+Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till
+supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed.&nbsp; Finally,
+after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts
+on his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson&rsquo;s
+servant to run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady
+to her house, five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house
+but one stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he
+comes back again, when they call out &lsquo;Very well, Mr. Felix,&rsquo;
+and trip into the passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that
+was ever played.</p>
+<p>Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish
+about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar
+corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female acquaintance
+(and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a thorough
+old bachelor.&nbsp; He is a favourite with them however, in a certain
+way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities
+harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that many who
+are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his
+behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his harmless
+existence.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society,
+upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over
+of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation.&nbsp;
+Young ladies mildly call him a &lsquo;sarcastic&rsquo; young gentleman,
+or a &lsquo;severe&rsquo; young gentleman.&nbsp; We, who know better,
+beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a censorious young
+gentleman, and nothing else.</p>
+<p>The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars
+of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all intelligence
+and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, accompanied with a
+half smile, expressive of anything you please but good-humour.&nbsp;
+This sets people about thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman
+means, and they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something
+very deep indeed; for they reason in this way&mdash;&lsquo;This young
+gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as
+I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must
+have if I can&rsquo;t find it out!&rsquo;&nbsp; It is extraordinary
+how soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own
+small circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings
+accordingly.</p>
+<p>As young ladies are generally&mdash;not curious, but laudably desirous
+to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked
+about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;I wonder,&rsquo; exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down
+her work to turn up the lamp, &lsquo;I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will
+ever be married.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Bless me, dear,&rsquo; cries Miss
+Marshall, &lsquo;what ever made you think of him?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Really
+I hardly know,&rsquo; replies Miss Greenwood; &lsquo;he is such a very
+mysterious person, that I often wonder about him.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Well,
+to tell you the truth,&rsquo; replies Miss Marshall, &lsquo;and so do
+I.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here two other young ladies profess that they are constantly
+doing the like, and all present appear in the same condition except
+one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that she considers Mr. Fairfax
+&lsquo;a horror,&rsquo; draws down all the opposition of the others,
+which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory passages, such
+as &lsquo;Well, did I ever!&rsquo;&mdash;and &lsquo;Lor, Emily, dear!&rsquo;
+ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does
+not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to
+be a young man of very great ability; &lsquo;and I am quite sure,&rsquo;
+adds the worthy lady, &lsquo;he always means a great deal more than
+he says.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people
+alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the
+subject of conversation!&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, it really is curious,&rsquo;
+cries ma, &lsquo;we were at that very moment talking about you.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;You did me great honour,&rsquo; replies Mr. Fairfax; &lsquo;may
+I venture to ask what you were saying?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Why, if you
+must know,&rsquo; returns the eldest girl, &lsquo;we were remarking
+what a very mysterious man you are.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Ay, ay!&rsquo;
+observes Mr. Fairfax, &lsquo;Indeed!&rsquo;&nbsp; Now Mr. Fairfax says
+this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves,
+with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very
+equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever convinced
+that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous man,
+and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, which is precisely
+the sort of character the censorious young gentleman is most desirous
+to establish; wherefore he says, &lsquo;Oh, dear, no,&rsquo; in a tone,
+obviously intended to mean, &lsquo;You have me there,&rsquo; and which
+gives them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very
+centre of its head.</p>
+<p>When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious
+young gentleman&rsquo;s behaviour, to the general topics of the day,
+he sustains his character to admiration.&nbsp; He considers the new
+tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us&mdash;well,
+no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he would rather
+not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;But is not Mr. So-and-so&rsquo;s performance truly charming?&rsquo;
+inquires a young lady.&nbsp; &lsquo;Charming!&rsquo; replies the censorious
+young gentleman.&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very charming&mdash;oh,
+very charming indeed.&rsquo;&nbsp; After this, he stirs the fire, smiling
+contemptuously all the while: and a modest young gentleman, who has
+been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it must be, to have
+such a critical judgment.&nbsp; Of music, pictures, books, and poetry,
+the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine conception.&nbsp;
+As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance.&nbsp; &lsquo;Now
+let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,&rsquo; says some great
+believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, &lsquo;but don&rsquo;t be too
+severe.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;I never am severe,&rsquo; replies the censorious
+young gentleman.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, never mind that now.&nbsp; She is
+very lady-like, is she not?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Lady-like!&rsquo; repeats
+the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at
+a loss for anything to say).&nbsp; &lsquo;Did you observe her manner?&nbsp;
+Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?&mdash;that&rsquo;s
+all I ask.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;I thought I had done so,&rsquo; rejoins
+the poor lady, much perplexed; &lsquo;I did not observe it very closely
+perhaps.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, not very closely,&rsquo; rejoins the
+censorious young gentleman, triumphantly.&nbsp; &lsquo;Very good; then
+<i>I</i> did.&nbsp; Let us talk no more about her.&rsquo;&nbsp; The
+censorious young gentleman purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely,
+as he says this; and it is forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax
+(who, though he is a little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very
+excellent judge) has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker&rsquo;s
+manner.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny
+young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour
+of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at
+an annual family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas
+that ever came.</p>
+<p>We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly
+as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily&mdash;for,
+being an old-fashioned party, there <i>was</i> an urn, and a teapot
+besides&mdash;when there came a postman&rsquo;s knock at the door, so
+violent and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually
+caused two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies
+to scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and
+distress, until they had been several times assured by their respective
+adorers, that they were in no danger.&nbsp; We were about to remark
+that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a runaway knock,
+when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with wonder, sank into
+a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and offered to lay twenty
+pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins.&nbsp; He had no sooner said
+this, than the majority of the company and all the children of the house
+burst into a roar of laughter too, as if some inimitable joke flashed
+upon them simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclamations of&mdash;To
+be sure it must be Griggins, and How like him that was, and What spirits
+he was always in! with many other commendatory remarks of the like nature.</p>
+<p>Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous
+to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman
+with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost
+touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when
+the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself,
+amidst another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the
+younger branches.&nbsp; This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions
+of countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes,
+which were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled
+upon an ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps,
+that if somebody didn&rsquo;t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he
+would be the death of him, he knew.&nbsp; At this the company only laughed
+more boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate
+our tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which
+we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, &lsquo;Oh!
+capital, capital!&rsquo; as loud as any of them.</p>
+<p>When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received
+the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the
+needful introductions with much ease and many puns.&nbsp; This ceremony
+over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody&rsquo;s lap unless
+the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after
+a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among
+them, and likened his condition to that of love among the roses.&nbsp;
+At this novel jest we all roared once more.&nbsp; &lsquo;You should
+consider yourself highly honoured, sir,&rsquo; said we.&nbsp; &lsquo;Sir,&rsquo;
+replied Mr. Griggins, &lsquo;you do me proud.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here everybody
+laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our
+ear that Griggins was making a dead set at us.</p>
+<p>The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game,
+and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting
+other people&rsquo;s fish, and looking over their hands in the most
+comical manner.&nbsp; He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a
+candle, which was neither more nor less than setting fire to the hair
+of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and afterwards begging his
+pardon with considerable humour.&nbsp; As the young gentleman could
+not see the joke however, possibly in consequence of its being on the
+top of his own head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have
+done; indeed, the young gentleman was heard to murmur some general references
+to &lsquo;impertinence,&rsquo; and a &lsquo;rascal,&rsquo; and to state
+the number of his lodgings in an angry tone&mdash;a turn of the conversation
+which might have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a
+young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate
+influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring in
+an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but audible
+to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she never would
+think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that she must always
+regard him.&nbsp; At this terrible threat the young gentleman became
+calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously
+fainted.</p>
+<p>Mr. Griggins&rsquo;s spirits were slightly depressed for a short
+period by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but
+being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses
+of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before,
+insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us
+that although he had known him since he was <i>that</i> high (something
+smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent
+cue.</p>
+<p>When the round game and several games at blind man&rsquo;s buff which
+followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible
+Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat
+pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which
+occasioned great commotion and much excitement.&nbsp; We observed that
+several young gentlemen&mdash;including the young gentleman with the
+pale countenance&mdash;were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding,
+and talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too,
+that several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young
+gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and
+protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised
+at Mrs. Brown&rsquo;s allowing it, and that they couldn&rsquo;t bear
+it, and had no patience with such impertinence.&nbsp; But such is the
+gentle and forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly
+for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent
+treatment of Mr. Griggins.&nbsp; Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us
+that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than before!</p>
+<p>To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill
+such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside cover.&nbsp;
+How he drank out of other people&rsquo;s glasses, and ate of other people&rsquo;s
+bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who
+was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table
+and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really
+surprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children,
+and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr.
+Griggins had done it with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins
+explained, and how everybody&rsquo;s good-humour was restored but the
+child&rsquo;s;&mdash;to tell these and a hundred other things ever so
+briefly, would occupy more of our room and our readers&rsquo; patience,
+than either they or we can conveniently spare.&nbsp; Therefore we change
+the subject, merely observing that we have offered no description of
+the funny young gentleman&rsquo;s personal appearance, believing that
+almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers
+to supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances
+of their particular case.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>All gentlemen who love the drama&mdash;and there are few gentlemen
+who are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our
+amusements&mdash;do not come within this definition.&nbsp; As we have
+no mean relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly
+anxious that this should be perfectly understood.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information
+on all theatrical topics.&nbsp; &lsquo;Well,&rsquo; says he, abruptly,
+when you meet him in the street, &lsquo;here&rsquo;s a pretty to-do.&nbsp;
+Flimkins has thrown up his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.&rsquo;&mdash;&lsquo;And
+what&rsquo;s to be done?&rsquo; you inquire with as much gravity as
+you can counterfeit.&nbsp; &lsquo;Ah, that&rsquo;s the point,&rsquo;
+replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; &lsquo;Boozle
+declines it; positively declines it.&nbsp; From all I am told, I should
+say it was decidedly in Boozle&rsquo;s line, and that he would be very
+likely to make a great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins
+having been put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall
+induce him to take the character.&nbsp; It&rsquo;s a fine part, too&mdash;excellent
+business, I&rsquo;m told.&nbsp; He has to kill six people in the course
+of the piece, and to fight over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe
+a card, you know, as can be.&nbsp; Don&rsquo;t mention it; but I hear
+that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by
+Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest thing that has been
+done these many years.&rsquo;&nbsp; With this piece of news, and laying
+his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town with
+it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different
+theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all.&nbsp;
+Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria
+the vic, and the Olympic the pic.&nbsp; Actresses, too, are always designated
+by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented
+and lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and
+so on.&nbsp; In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he
+mentions actors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul
+Bedford.&nbsp; When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the word &lsquo;old&rsquo;
+applied indiscriminately answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews
+at Vestris&rsquo;s, old Harley, and old Braham.&nbsp; He has a great
+knowledge of the private proceedings of actresses, especially of their
+getting married, and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have
+changed their names without avowing it.&nbsp; Whenever an alteration
+of this kind is made in the playbills, he will remind you that he let
+you into the secret six months ago.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that
+is connected with the stage department of the different theatres.&nbsp;
+He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way,
+to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with
+a curious and searching eye.&nbsp; If he can only identify a popular
+actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of delight; and no
+sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a few paces in front
+of him, so that he can turn round from time to time, and have a good
+stare at his features.&nbsp; He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner
+as one of the most enchanting festivities ever known; and thinks that
+to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see so many actors in their
+plain clothes, must be one of the highest gratifications the world can
+bestow.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at
+one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces
+which display the fullest resources of the establishment.&nbsp; He likes
+to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a
+show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not
+only to believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and
+seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but
+is highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also.&nbsp; He considers
+that if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in
+any new play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds
+accordingly.&nbsp; He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks
+any character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be
+an angel or a demon&mdash;they both do it occasionally) one of the most
+interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion.</p>
+<p>Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
+communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
+which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to
+his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table.&nbsp; Thus
+he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery
+waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer
+half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which
+assistance he must infallibly have fainted.&nbsp; He knows for a fact,
+that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather
+beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr.
+Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm toast-and-water,
+to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters.&nbsp; He looks upon
+Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the day;
+but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,&mdash;in
+proof whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently
+produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions
+as fast as they appear.</p>
+<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
+emotion and redundancy of action.&nbsp; If a father has to curse a child
+upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style,
+with no mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child
+should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over
+on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and
+shuts the door behind him.&nbsp; He likes to see a blessing invoked
+upon the young lady, when the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness,
+and accompanied by the usual conventional forms, which consist of the
+old gentleman looking anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether
+it rains, and then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over
+the young lady&rsquo;s head&mdash;soft music playing all the while.&nbsp;
+Upon these, and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young
+gentleman is a great critic indeed.&nbsp; He is likewise very acute
+in judging of natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely
+the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or
+the means by which it may be converted into any other: as jealousy,
+with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with
+the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is
+passionate love.&nbsp; If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy
+of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures
+you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that way,
+and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day
+to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose
+not.</p>
+<p>There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
+theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom
+he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no
+space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with
+calling the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical
+young gentlemen of their own acquaintance.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic
+raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence
+of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt
+collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats
+and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public.&nbsp;
+These were poetical young gentlemen.&nbsp; The custom was gradually
+found to be inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean
+linen and too large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently
+passed away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the
+number of poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.</p>
+<p>We know a poetical young gentleman&mdash;a very poetical young gentleman.&nbsp;
+We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in
+any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy
+cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom
+has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting
+a kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations
+in which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and
+yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly
+things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all
+his friends that he has been stricken poetical.</p>
+<p>The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging
+on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright
+in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite
+wall.&nbsp; When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is
+a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your
+attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a
+shake of the head, that John&rsquo;s imagination is at some extraordinary
+work or other, you may take her word for it.&nbsp; Hereupon John looks
+more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching
+a pencil from his pocket, puts down three words, and a cross on the
+back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once or twice across the room, inflicts
+a most unmerciful slap upon his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.</p>
+<p>The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of
+things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity
+of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted.&nbsp; For instance,
+when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording
+delicious food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the
+public, our friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies&mdash;not
+of disgust, but admiration.&nbsp; &lsquo;Heavens!&rsquo; cried the poetical
+young gentleman, &lsquo;how grand; how great!&rsquo;&nbsp; We ventured
+deferentially to inquire upon whom these epithets were bestowed: our
+humble thoughts oscillating between the police officer who found the
+criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the head.&nbsp; &lsquo;Upon
+whom!&rsquo; exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of poetry,
+&lsquo;Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!&rsquo;&mdash;and
+thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer
+was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man
+of dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist
+and able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies
+with the great and noble of the land.&nbsp; We held our peace, and meekly
+signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions&mdash;firstly,
+because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman;
+and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering
+into any disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the
+respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not
+be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity
+will be plentifully expended.</p>
+<p>This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.&nbsp;
+In his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth,
+and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady&rsquo;s
+Magazine, or the &lsquo;Poets&rsquo; Corner&rsquo; of some country newspaper;
+or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow
+leaves of a lady&rsquo;s album.&nbsp; These are generally written upon
+some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by midnight,
+or beholding Saint Paul&rsquo;s in a snow-storm; and when these gloomy
+objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his soul in a
+touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that he is no longer
+a child, but has gradually grown up.</p>
+<p>The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
+favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.&nbsp;
+He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to
+opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there
+is nothing in it worth living for.&nbsp; He gives you to understand,
+however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in
+the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong
+desire to make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection,
+that immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great
+spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied.</p>
+<p>When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are
+all superlatives.&nbsp; Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest,
+mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and
+most pitiful.&nbsp; He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of
+poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman?&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Mr. Milkwash,&rsquo; says a young lady as she unlocks her album
+to receive the young gentleman&rsquo;s original impromptu contribution,
+&lsquo;how very silent you are!&nbsp; I think you must be in love.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Love!&rsquo; cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from
+his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full
+speed, &lsquo;Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of
+the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart.&nbsp; Love!&nbsp; The withering,
+blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.&nbsp;
+Love did you say!&nbsp; Ha! ha! ha!&rsquo;</p>
+<p>With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging
+only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down,
+pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical
+demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is
+full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE &lsquo;THROWING-OFF&rsquo; YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>There is a certain kind of impostor&mdash;a bragging, vaunting, puffing
+young gentleman&mdash;against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer
+part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours.&nbsp;
+And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division
+of our subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with
+an esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen
+of this class of men.&nbsp; We had been urging all the absurdities of
+his conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities
+he constantly recounted&mdash;to which indeed we had not scrupled to
+prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters&mdash;when
+our fair friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly
+cried, &lsquo;Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then&mdash;&rsquo;&nbsp;
+What then?&nbsp; Throw him off yourself, said we.&nbsp; And so she did,
+but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have
+been better if she had done so at first.</p>
+<p>The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed
+of vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with
+some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description
+of themselves.&nbsp; The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young
+gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off
+young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the
+deceased baronet&rsquo;s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable
+books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from
+the lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and
+tables, and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid
+prospect of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the
+fine hunting stables and the spacious court-yards, &lsquo;and&mdash;and&mdash;everything
+upon the same magnificent scale,&rsquo; says the throwing-off young
+gentleman, &lsquo;princely; quite princely.&nbsp; Ah!&rsquo;&nbsp; And
+he sighs as if mourning over the fallen fortunes of his noble house.</p>
+<p>The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
+running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games
+of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving,
+or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him&mdash;that is <i>could</i>
+not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there should
+be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice
+just now, and has been for some years.&nbsp; If you mention any beautiful
+girl of your common acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young
+gentleman starts, smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite
+involuntary: people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no&mdash;although
+she is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn&rsquo;t
+possibly encourage the&mdash;&lsquo;but it&rsquo;s of no use talking
+about it!&rsquo; he adds, interrupting himself.&nbsp; &lsquo;She has
+got over it now, and I firmly hope and trust is happy.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a mysterious manner,
+and whistling the first part of some popular air, thinks perhaps it
+will be better to change the subject.</p>
+<p>There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young gentleman,
+which is, that he &lsquo;happens to be acquainted&rsquo; with a most
+extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world.&nbsp; Thus
+in all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has
+no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted
+with some distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose
+testimony decides the point against you, to the great&mdash;may we say
+it&mdash;to the great admiration of three young ladies out of every
+four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected
+young man, and a most charming person.</p>
+<p>Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon
+a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the
+evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit
+of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to
+equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous
+young ladies, which is his proper element.&nbsp; It is delightful to
+hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives
+utterance to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with
+which, from long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment
+to a lady with two for himself.&nbsp; &lsquo;Did you ever see a more
+lovely blue than this flower, Mr. Caveton?&rsquo; asks a young lady
+who, truth to tell, is rather smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Never,&rsquo; he replies, bending over the object of admiration,
+&lsquo;never but in your eyes.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Oh, Mr. Caveton,&rsquo;
+cries the young lady, blushing of course.&nbsp; &lsquo;Indeed I speak
+the truth,&rsquo; replies the throwing-off young gentleman, &lsquo;I
+never saw any approach to them.&nbsp; I used to think my cousin&rsquo;s
+blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside yours.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!&rsquo; replies the young
+lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic
+of all young ladies; &lsquo;an affair, of course.&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;No;
+indeed, indeed you wrong me,&rsquo; rejoins the throwing-off young gentleman
+with great energy.&nbsp; &lsquo;I fervently hope that her attachment
+towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy
+in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may
+soon overcome it.&nbsp; <i>I</i> love her!&nbsp; Think not so meanly
+of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches,
+and beauty, can influence <i>my</i> choice.&nbsp; The heart, the heart,
+Miss Lowfield.&rsquo;&nbsp; Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks
+his voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims
+to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their bonnets
+on, that Mr. Caveton&rsquo;s relations are all immensely rich, and that
+he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and beauty.</p>
+<p>We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain knowledge,
+was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to recognise a tune
+by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he had previously
+satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument within a mile
+of the house.</p>
+<p>We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking
+a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint
+of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering
+listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing
+out of tune, let him try as he would.&nbsp; We have lived to witness
+the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out
+a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after
+passing successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for
+his red whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride,
+turned out to be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small
+country town, and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure,
+we should not yet despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of
+some rich heiress.&nbsp; Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen
+are often swindlers, and always fools.&nbsp; So pray you avoid them.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>THE YOUNG LADIES&rsquo; YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>This young gentleman has several titles.&nbsp; Some young ladies
+consider him &lsquo;a nice young man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a fine young
+man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;quite a lady&rsquo;s man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a
+handsome man,&rsquo; others &lsquo;a remarkably good-looking young man.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+With some young ladies he is &lsquo;a perfect angel,&rsquo; and with
+others &lsquo;quite a love.&rsquo;&nbsp; He is likewise a charming creature,
+a duck, and a dear.</p>
+<p>The young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman has usually a fresh colour
+and very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays
+on every possible opportunity.&nbsp; He has brown or black hair, and
+whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the
+hue which is vulgarly known as <i>sandy</i>, is not considered an objection.&nbsp;
+If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square,
+he is an uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly.&nbsp;
+Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though
+this is not absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat,
+and smile constantly.</p>
+<p>There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours
+last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.&nbsp; As we hold that
+such wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of
+the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably
+have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that
+the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions
+by a choice sample of the young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman, whom
+we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting.&nbsp; This determined
+us, and we went.</p>
+<p>We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling
+company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the projectors
+on the box&mdash;and to start from the residence of the projectors,
+Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely.&nbsp; We arrived
+at the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass
+coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and
+young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds,
+who appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might
+have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else.&nbsp;
+Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment,
+we ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty
+reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies&rsquo;
+young gentleman.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;I cannot imagine,&rsquo; said the mamma, &lsquo;what has become
+of Mr. Balim&mdash;always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.&nbsp;
+I am sure I can-<i>not</i> think.&rsquo;&nbsp; As these last words were
+uttered in that measured, emphatic manner which painfully announces
+that the speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what to say,
+but is determined to talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took
+up the subject, and hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon
+which there was a general chorus of &lsquo;Dear Mr. Balim!&rsquo; and
+one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express
+should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim&rsquo;s lodgings.&nbsp;
+This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short
+young lady behind us termed &lsquo;quite a bearish way,&rsquo; that
+if Mr. Balim didn&rsquo;t choose to come, he might stop at home.&nbsp;
+At this all the daughters raised a murmur of &lsquo;Oh pa!&rsquo; except
+one sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage
+of a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might
+have been married that morning&mdash;for which impertinent suggestion
+she was summarily ejected from the room by her eldest sister.</p>
+<p>We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when
+one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys
+usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays,
+and keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep
+trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr.
+Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and
+the intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards
+by the entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries
+of &lsquo;Where have you been, you naughty creature?&rsquo; whereunto
+the naughty creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence
+of a late party the night before, and had only just risen.&nbsp; The
+acknowledgment awakened a variety of agonizing fears that he had taken
+no breakfast; which appearing after a slight cross-examination to be
+the real state of the case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered,
+notwithstanding Mr. Balim&rsquo;s repeated protestations that he couldn&rsquo;t
+think of it.&nbsp; He did think of it though, and thought better of
+it too, for he made a remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously
+served by a select knot of young ladies.&nbsp; It was quite delightful
+to see how he ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out
+his coffee, and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the
+rest of the company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches,
+and the glass coaches,&mdash;and the little boys looking on in an agony
+of apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it might
+have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back again,
+and welcome, for aught they cared.</p>
+<p>However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated
+with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow;
+and the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the
+carriages, &lsquo;according,&rsquo; as one married lady observed, &lsquo;to
+the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+Thinking it very likely it might be (we have never been able to discover
+the other half), we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect,
+and were fortunate enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were
+one old lady, four young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young
+ladies&rsquo; young gentleman.</p>
+<p>We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies&rsquo; young
+gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to
+inquire whether he had danced to that the night before.&nbsp; &lsquo;By
+Heaven, then, I did,&rsquo; replied the young gentleman, &lsquo;and
+with a lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.&rsquo;&nbsp;
+&lsquo;You seem rather struck,&rsquo; observed another young lady.&nbsp;
+&lsquo;&rsquo;Gad she was a sweet creature,&rsquo; returned the young
+gentleman, arranging his hair.&nbsp; &lsquo;Of course <i>she</i> was
+struck too?&rsquo; inquired the first young lady.&nbsp; &lsquo;How can
+you ask, love?&rsquo; interposed the second; &lsquo;could she fail to
+be?&rsquo;&nbsp; &lsquo;Well, honestly I think she was,&rsquo; observed
+the young gentleman.&nbsp; At this point of the dialogue, the young
+lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman&rsquo;s
+right, struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said
+he was a vain man&mdash;whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having
+the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for help to the other young
+ladies, a charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the
+young gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud.&nbsp; This little skirmish
+over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly
+upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young
+gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place
+upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or
+not, which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a
+considerable time.&nbsp; At length, a short silence occurring, the young
+ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep;
+and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a
+pair of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness
+and to scream very loud.&nbsp; The lively conversation to which this
+pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would
+have eked out a much longer one.</p>
+<p>We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
+circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and
+the bread.&nbsp; The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which
+they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to inconvenience;
+mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; and the
+attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly drunk at a respectful
+distance.</p>
+<p>We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
+flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of
+young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their
+plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from
+its excessive playfulness.&nbsp; His conversation, too, was exceedingly
+brilliant.&nbsp; In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course
+of a little lively <i>badinage</i> on the subject of ladies&rsquo; dresses,
+he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner.</p>
+<p>As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after
+dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone
+into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the
+greater part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes
+and the young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman among them.&nbsp; Nor were
+we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping through the
+trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing
+to contemplate his greatness.</p>
+<p>The young ladies&rsquo; young gentleman was seated upon the ground,
+at the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was
+so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty
+spoils, that he looked like a lamb&mdash;or perhaps a calf would be
+a better simile&mdash;adorned for the sacrifice.&nbsp; One young lady
+supported a parasol over his interesting head, another held his hat,
+and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown
+off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and
+his face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, was
+warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise of female
+loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we burst into an
+involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty retreat.</p>
+<p>What charming fellows these young ladies&rsquo; young gentlemen are!&nbsp;
+Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their
+merit.&nbsp; They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice
+men.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<h2>CONCLUSION</h2>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div>
+<p>As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young
+gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them
+to understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues
+and perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat
+us with confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and
+distrust of the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they
+cannot do better than preserve and maintain&mdash;we say, as we have
+done all this, we feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of
+our task, they may naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular
+description of young gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend.</p>
+<p>Here we are at a loss.&nbsp; We look over our list, and can neither
+recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman,
+nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman,
+nor the political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman,
+nor the censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor
+the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor
+the throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies&rsquo; young
+gentleman.</p>
+<p>As there are some good points about many of them, which still are
+not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as
+a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a
+young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and
+the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal
+altar, whether he will or no.&nbsp; And to the young lady who secures
+him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected
+from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter
+written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her marriage.</p>
+<p>&lsquo;The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve
+the esteem of your husband.&nbsp; Neither good-nature nor virtue will
+suffer him to <i>esteem</i> you against his judgment; and although he
+is not capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent
+and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and
+beauty with more durable qualities.&nbsp; You have but a very few years
+to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months
+to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you
+do not still dream of charms and raptures, which marriage ever did,
+and ever will, put a sudden end to.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate
+lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman
+to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself.&nbsp;
+Without in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely
+to observe, that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a
+full specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we
+beg it to be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to
+accept the highest bidder.</p>
+<p>These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman
+and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials
+of approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested
+to be addressed.</p>
+<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div>
+<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN ***</p>
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+</pre></body>
+</html>
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