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diff --git a/old/skygm10h.htm b/old/skygm10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea22d64 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/skygm10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1964 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>Sketches of Young Gentlemen</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens +(#26 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #918] +[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<h1>SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN</h1> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>TO THE YOUNG LADIES<br />OF THE<br />UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN +AND IRELAND;<br />ALSO<br />THE YOUNG LADIES<br />OF<br />THE PRINCIPALITY +OF WALES,<br />AND LIKEWISE<br />THE YOUNG LADIES<br />RESIDENT IN THE +ISLES OF<br />GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK,<br />THE HUMBLE +DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,</p> +<p>SHEWETH, -</p> +<p>THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation, +a work purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written +by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo.</p> +<p>THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your +Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable +sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo +or any other mo.</p> +<p>THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable +sex are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator +is not at present prepared to deny that you <i>are</i> animals, still +he humbly submits that it is not polite to call you so.</p> +<p>THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described +as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable +sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and disrespectful +appellation.</p> +<p>THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice +prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator +contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of +Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, +and implies an intention of quizzing.</p> +<p>THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author +of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed +in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could +have acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs +of your Honourable sex in general.</p> +<p>THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various +slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in +the said work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young Ladies,’ +your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled +‘Sketches of Young Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits +your acceptance and approval.</p> +<p>THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen, +so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies; +and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful +language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly +suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should +possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable +sex who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time +in swallowing the last,—prevention being in all cases better than +cure, as we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment, +but also of traditionary wisdom.</p> +<p>THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator +has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions +issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your +Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to +take fifty of Number 2, without delay.</p> +<p>And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite +a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly +attracted our attention.</p> +<p>This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise +of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very velvet-like, +soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter term invidiously, +but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks +of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather remarkable for the fresh +hue of the lips than for any marked or striking expression it presented. +His whole face was suffused with a crimson blush, and bore that downcast, +timid, retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease with himself.</p> +<p>There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing +remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young +gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs, +into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards +us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons +who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and +pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after +which he dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his +way a fine little girl of six years and a quarter old—and shrouding +himself behind some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye +of the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement +of dinner, he was requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of +two or three and thirty.</p> +<p>This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have +gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high respect, +and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had not +suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a desperate +effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilderment +of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. This impression +was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful young +gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view of +ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.</p> +<p>The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings, +and turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his +loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. There was nothing very +bad in this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and +say nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would +have been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful +attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen +in the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and +then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked +it with great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance, +to the unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, +who was dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young +gentleman would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon +the violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.</p> +<p>From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that +it was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman, and so +indeed it was. Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve +his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only +augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry, champagne, +hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part of the mixture +externally, instead of internally, they gradually dropped off, and left +him to the exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the +wildness of his eye, firmly believed she had secured a listener. +He broke a glass or two in the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly +afterwards; it is inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch +as he left the house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s +hat.</p> +<p>This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent characteristics +of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this portable volume +will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future generations, +we record them here for their guidance and behoof.</p> +<p>If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance +to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance, +nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His first impulse +is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does +until, observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to +do so or not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them +to do the same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary +dodging and falling up against the other passengers, he returns and +shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing which he +knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks +up, and returns very muddy and disordered. The chances are that +the bashful young gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and +being reminded that it has only just left off raining for the first +time these three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had +said a very good thing. The young lady who was most anxious to +speak, here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear +sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the +slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is remarkably +well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the young lady, ‘why, +we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly miserable +about her.’ ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman, +‘so she was. Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’ +The young gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding +(he has been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short +pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a +strong emphasis on the adjective, ‘<i>Good</i> morning, <i>good</i> +morning.’ And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment +of several little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces, +and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat +off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he +is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter attracts +his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile cheerfully to +the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the satisfaction +of seeing, are all laughing heartily.</p> +<p>At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains +as near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he +smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward +to shake hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition +seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing +the first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather +wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself +to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing +furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies +are congregated together.</p> +<p>‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’ +Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and +his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well +knows, to make himself agreeable. The young lady more than half +expects that the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the +bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has +got anything to say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed +to conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, +the young lady, after several inspections of her <i>bouquet</i>, all +made in the expectation that the bashful young gentleman is going to +talk, whispers her mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the +bashful young gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very +good reason) must be about <i>him</i>. In this comfortable condition +he remains until it is time to ‘stand up,’ when murmuring +a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm, +and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that +she has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, +and making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate +failure, preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he +walks her twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires +in confusion.</p> +<p>A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do +get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to +us—a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear +bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own insignificance. +Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or avoided. They are +never hopeless, and never will be, while female beauty and attractions +retain their influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it +worth while on this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—those +who have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shall +commence with the former, because that species come more frequently +under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and +to instruct.</p> +<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his +instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general +direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a regular bang-up +sort of thing.’ For some years past, the favourite costume +of the out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with +two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger +than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed +hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. +Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on special +occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat pockets. +He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears considerably.</p> +<p>The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house +or solicitor’s office, in which he does as little as he possibly +can: his chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the +theatres. In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen +have a pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving +females and other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails +to afford them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any +immediate danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun of +the thing materially. In all places of public resort, the out-and-outers +are careful to select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at +full length, and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other +case) he lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted +firmly on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make +room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without going +at all out of his way to do it. He always sits with his hat on, +and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with +a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be possible for one or +two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in the passages, +they are quite in their element, squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting +in the most humorous manner possible. If they can only succeed +in irritating the gentleman who has a family of daughters under his +charge, they are like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their +companions for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were +‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really thought the +youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render +the joke complete.</p> +<p>If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of +course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor +things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited +and moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, +he cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s, +with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or +two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging +his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses +nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all +the way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by +the recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu +dinner at a fighting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place +on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, +which is probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant.</p> +<p>As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in +ladies’ society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room +when they reach the friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is +kind enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled +by the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside +the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and manner +(for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother +out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his way. +Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outer +confidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough sort and +hates that kind of thing, only he couldn’t very well be off coming; +to which the other replies, that that’s just his case—‘and +I’ll tell you what,’ continues the out-and-outer in a whisper, +‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and water just now,’—‘Or +a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other out-and-outer.</p> +<p>The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each +of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands +what’s what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially +when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, +long favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ +who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that +would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been +a pretty long time about town—had the honour of once shaking hands +with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.</p> +<p>At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening +up very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud +their intention of beginning to spend the evening—a process which +is generally understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great +deal of wine is drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which +feats the out-and-out young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having +protracted their sitting until long after the host and the other guests +have adjourned to the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained +the decanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions rather +heightened, and faces rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady +of the house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great +terror of the whole room, that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins +are very nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric +persons, and unfortunately <i>rather too wild</i>!’</p> +<p>The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of +persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning +any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respectable +gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external +appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive +characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and +then find their way into society, through the medium of the other class +of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, +and who usually pay their tavern bills. As they are equally gentlemanly, +clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have +recommended them to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, +if it were not that some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such +high respect, are perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many +heavier terms with the light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth +to take in a strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude +of construction.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We know—and all people know—so many specimens of this +class, that in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take +from a great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly +young gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon +a more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign the +priority.</p> +<p>The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, +but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families: +regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, +or some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest. +He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must +be fond of children, and is expected to make himself generally useful +if possible. Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which +is the shortest mode and the clearest.</p> +<p>We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost +sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety to renew +our former intimacy—urged us to dine with him on an early day, +that we might talk over old times. We readily assented, adding, +that we hoped we should be alone. ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ +said our friend, ‘not a soul with us but Mincin.’ +‘And who is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry. ‘O +don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, ‘he’s a +most particular friend of mine, and a very friendly fellow you will +find him;’ and so he left us.</p> +<p>‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves +at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned +towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the +fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom +he had spoken. It required no great penetration on our part to +discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a very friendly +young gentleman.</p> +<p>‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, and +pressing our hand warmly between both of his, ‘I am delighted, +I am sure, to make your acquaintance—(here he smiled)—very +much delighted indeed—(here he exhibited a little emotion)—I +assure you that I have looked forward to it anxiously for a very long +time:’ here he released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed, +that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from +our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on +to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had +that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to +the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of Chichester, +a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet seven inches +in circumference, which he looked upon as a very extraordinary piece +of intelligence. We ventured to remark, that we had a dim recollection +of having once or twice before observed a similar paragraph in the public +prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially by the button, +and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we were very right, and he wondered +what the editors meant by putting in such things. Who the deuce, +he should like to know, did they suppose cared about them? that struck +him as being the best of it.</p> +<p>The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin’s +friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in +consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large +easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully +closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see +that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points, +he expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how +she found herself to-day. Upon the lady’s replying very +well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some +general remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, +which occupied us agreeably until dinner-time. During the meal, +he devoted himself to complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, +so that we were an uncommonly agreeable quartette.</p> +<p>‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. Mincin to +our host, as he closed the room door after the lady had retired, ‘you +have very great reason to be fond of your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. +Capper, sir!’ ‘Nay, Mincin—I beg,’ interposed +the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably +was particularly sweet. ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’ +‘Why not?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not? Why +should you feel any delicacy before your old friend—<i>our</i> +old friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, +I ask?’ We of course wished to know why he should also, +upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper <i>was</i> a very sweet +woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and +begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our +host said, ‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with deep feeling; and gave +us, in a low voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s +cousin’s life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half, +which he considered no common circumstance—an opinion to which +we most cordially subscribed.</p> +<p>Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation, +Mr. Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent; +he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk +about anything in which he had not the chief concern. We happened +to allude to some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually +engaged nearly fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once +reminded of a joke which our friend had made on that day four years, +which he positively must insist upon telling—and which he did +tell accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what he said, +and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he well remembered that they had +been to the play with orders on the very night previous, and had seen +Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint +had been led into the lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after +all, and went back again, with many other interesting and absorbing +particulars: after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure +us, that our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion +of that same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two +morning papers took the same view next day: to this our friend replied, +with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some reason to think +he had been correct, which gave the friendly young gentleman occasion +to believe that our friend was always correct; and so we went on, until +our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink one glass to his dear +friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved the lives of his +acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart. Finally, our +friend having emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you, Mincin,’—and +Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much affection and +earnestness.</p> +<p>But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene +like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased <i>éclat</i>. +Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the +Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear friends +the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to mention. +He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but how +exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his dear +friends! If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one +little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin +on the carpet riding on his foot. He carries Mrs. Watson down +to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so +judiciously, and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the +most punctilious old lady to consider herself neglected. If any +young lady, being prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, +Mr. Mincin leads her tenderly into the next room, and restores her with +port wine, which she must take medicinally. If any gentleman be +standing by the piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin +seizes him by the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating +time the while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception +of the delicacy of the passage. If anybody’s self-love is +to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If anybody’s overweening +vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it. What wonder +that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin’s friendliness; +that he is universally allowed to be handsome as amiable; that mothers +think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a beau, and fathers +a wonder! And who would not have the reputation of the very friendly +young gentleman?</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military +young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young +ladies of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of them as +to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red +coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if this +were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance, +because, although the analogy may in some degree hold good in the case +of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and +<i>they</i> are not to our knowledge better received than other men; +nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear) not only red coats, +but very resplendent and massive badges besides—much larger than +epaulettes. Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the result +of our inquiries be correct, find any peculiar favour in woman’s +eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the additional +advantage of constantly appearing in public on horseback, which last +circumstance may be naturally supposed to be greatly in their favour.</p> +<p>We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise +in the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen +in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as +fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their +king and country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the +inferior classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with +a little gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure +of the audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice +spirits who consort with them. But we will not devote these pages +to our speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the +present moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched +by her Majesty’s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads +are turned by it. For ‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’ +but upon consideration, we think the former the more appropriate word +of the two.</p> +<p>These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—young +gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having +an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to +a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations +to wear out their existence in some ignoble counting-house. We +will take this latter description of military young gentlemen first.</p> +<p>The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated +in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is so learned +upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant, +what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment +wear stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons +the Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards +and odd inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; +is deeply read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the +apparelling of trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting +upon ‘crack regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemen +who compose them, of whose mightiness and grandeur he is never tired +of telling.</p> +<p>We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day, +after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion +of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles +of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’ +regiments would be an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being +a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted +us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must hurry off to +the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the band play. +Not wishing to interfere with so important an engagement, and being +in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the anecdotes of the honourable +ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no attempt to detain the military young +gentleman, but parted company with ready good-will.</p> +<p>Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down +Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to +one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount +guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance +and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and +horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all +that was passing around him. We were not much surprised at the +discovery that it was our friend, the military young gentleman, but +we <i>were</i> a little astonished when we returned from a walk to South +Lambeth to find him still there, looking on with the same intensity +as before. As it was a very windy day, we felt bound to awaken +the young gentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with great +enthusiasm, whether ‘that was not a glorious spectacle,’ +and proceeded to give us a detailed account of the weight of every article +of the spectacle’s trappings, from the man’s gloves to the +horse’s shoes.</p> +<p>We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our +daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen +to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure, +in periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. +We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising +young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot +be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection +of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity, and +as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work.</p> +<p>But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, +and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges +from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes +the way towards the high street. He wears his undress uniform, +which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great, +how grand, he is! What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in +his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries that dreadful sword +under his arm, making no more ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella! +The lion is sleeping: only think if an enemy were in sight, how soon +he’d whip it out of the scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he +would be!</p> +<p>But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; +and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, arm-in-arm, +who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels on the pavement, +and clashing their swords with a noise, which should cause all peaceful +men to quail at heart. They stop to talk. See how the flaxen-haired +young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has his pocket-handkerchief +thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians +who linger to look upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates +his head in the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while +the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands +behind him. Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest, but +in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing. Oh! if some +encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance, +or any of those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen +as they move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t +he tremble a little!</p> +<p>And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command +of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—what +a splendid sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their country +look round the house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they +may make themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for +they (the military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and +are ready for anything. And what a contrast between them, and +that stage-box full of grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles +about them, who have nothing at all in common with the military young +gentlemen, and who—but for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity +in their looks and bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers +for anything they take the pains to announce to the contrary!</p> +<p>Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed +young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them +too, only he doesn’t care to show it just now. Very well +done indeed! He talks louder to the little group of military young +gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies +in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces may +undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have subjected, in +not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the female portion of the +audience. Oh! a gentleman in the same box looks round as if he +were disposed to resent this as an impertinence; and the flaxen-headed +young gentleman sees his friends at once, and hurries away to them with +the most charming cordiality.</p> +<p>Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive +the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in +five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by +the mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom +he was walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young +ladies and commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant +bow upon a rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military +young gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment +three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole +world.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Once upon a time—<i>not</i> in the days when pigs drank wine, +but in a more recent period of our history—it was customary to +banish politics when ladies were present. If this usage still +prevailed, we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen, +for ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a +political young gentleman was. But as this good custom in common +with many others has ‘gone out,’ and left no word when it +is likely to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means +rare, and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are +bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to neglect +this natural division of our subject.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and +there <i>are</i> political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), +he is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles +communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so +the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental +vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling. +The political young gentleman would as soon think of being struck with +the beauty of a young lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream +of marrying his sister to the opposite member.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually +some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly +explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to +be very easily got over by the other side. He has also some choice +sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use +at the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at +intervals with surprising effect. But his great topic is the constitution, +upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much heat and +fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, but +because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state, +and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows +on the other side say it isn’t, which is quite a sufficient reason +for him to say it is, and to stick to it.</p> +<p>Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people. If +a fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken, +and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with +a triumphant air, and exclaims, ‘Here’s your precious people!’ +If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time, when it ought +to be kept clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs +you to observe the conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe +between the play and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries +‘No’ and ‘Shame’ till he is hoarse, and then +inquires with a sneer what you think of popular moderation <i>now</i>; +in short, the people form a never-failing theme for him; and when the +attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it with great power +of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, the young gentleman +and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with great violence against +<i>the other people</i>, with whom, of course, they have no possible +connexion. In much the same manner the audience at a theatre never +fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of the public—always +laughing heartily at some other public, and never at themselves.</p> +<p>If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very +profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions +to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical +deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, too, +which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having +many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various +cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country, +the position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance +of power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines +of political economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great +many parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, +none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle +the toughest question and leave you nothing to say. He gives all +the young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest +woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins +the new member, says he’s very well for a representative, all +things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and he +is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him down on his +knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates. At this, the +young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament +is not to be brought upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the +political young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints +regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members of Parliament +will be paid salaries, and required to render weekly accounts of their +proceedings, at which the young ladies utter many expressions of astonishment +and incredulity, while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little +else than blasphemous.</p> +<p>It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young +gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a +dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to Westminster +Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small chisels and +hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping all the +noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the Tower for +a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on their own +heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the armoury, +to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon +these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind +in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and +irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely +where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the +better of the other.</p> +<p>In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political +young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, +or anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when, +thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite +discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail. +They have recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, +but as there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted, +whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until +they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in +the effort.</p> +<p>As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties concerned, +we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue them, otherwise +we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice to discountenance +such talkers altogether.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. +We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place, +he will answer our purpose without another word of comment.</p> +<p>Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother, +just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St. +Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather +is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up +in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when +he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries +spectacles for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, +of which he makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing.</p> +<p>The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself and +his mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting +persons. As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so +Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit. If +you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with +a long and minute bulletin of his mother’s state of health; and +the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial +and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and coughed once after +being out in the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly +put into hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, which we +will not describe more particularly than by this delicate allusion, +was happily brought round by the next morning, and enabled to go to +business as usual.</p> +<p>Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he +has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is +one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted +to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon +which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought +would have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite, +for he continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix +took out his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed +out the fare in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, +he shut the street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think +of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman +knocking a double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he +broke with uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, +and running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist +at the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon +says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling. +She never will forget his fury that night, Never!</p> +<p>To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking +at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end +of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks +afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. +Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would +have done to him if he <i>had</i> seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly +and clenching his right fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ +with a distracted air, and insists upon extorting a promise that he +never will on any account do anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it +being something more than three years since the offence was committed—reluctantly +concedes, and his mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with +a sigh that his spirit will lead him into something violent yet. +The discourse then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which +glows within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes +eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used +to sit up till two o’clock in the morning reading French, and +how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will make yourself ill, +I know you will;’ and how <i>he</i> used to say, ‘Mother, +I don’t care—I will do it;’ and how at last his mother +privately procured a doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment +he felt his pulse, that if he had gone on reading one night more—only +one night more—he must have put a blister on each temple, and +another between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon the +instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it must be +taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for the consequences. +The recital of these and many other moving perils of the like nature, +constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’s friends.</p> +<p>Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, +being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried +girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son, +hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that +they must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, +and terribly severe upon young ladies. At this last caution the +young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be spending the +evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and +are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix knocks at the door, +and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him +as he takes off his boots in the back parlour that he needn’t +mind coming in in his slippers, for there are only the two Miss Greys +and Miss Thompson, and she is quite sure they will excuse <i>him</i>, +and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia +Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at which intelligence the +short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in particular is greatly +troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea, +changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly +and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish. Here they all three +laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the +proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the +grateful herb that ‘cheers but not inebriates,’ removes +his cup from his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all +girls are; whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells +him not to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young +ladies, and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly +indeed, is perfectly satisfied.</p> +<p>Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists +upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card. +This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties, +he brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest +Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till +supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally, +after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts +on his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson’s +servant to run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady +to her house, five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house +but one stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he +comes back again, when they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’ +and trip into the passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that +was ever played.</p> +<p>Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish +about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar +corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female acquaintance +(and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a thorough +old bachelor. He is a favourite with them however, in a certain +way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities +harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that many who +are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his +behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his harmless +existence.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, +upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over +of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation. +Young ladies mildly call him a ‘sarcastic’ young gentleman, +or a ‘severe’ young gentleman. We, who know better, +beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a censorious young +gentleman, and nothing else.</p> +<p>The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars +of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all intelligence +and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, accompanied with a +half smile, expressive of anything you please but good-humour. +This sets people about thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman +means, and they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something +very deep indeed; for they reason in this way—‘This young +gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as +I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must +have if I can’t find it out!’ It is extraordinary +how soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own +small circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings +accordingly.</p> +<p>As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous +to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked +about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him. +‘I wonder,’ exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down +her work to turn up the lamp, ‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will +ever be married.’ ‘Bless me, dear,’ cries Miss +Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’ ‘Really +I hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; ‘he is such a very +mysterious person, that I often wonder about him.’ ‘Well, +to tell you the truth,’ replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do +I.’ Here two other young ladies profess that they are constantly +doing the like, and all present appear in the same condition except +one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that she considers Mr. Fairfax +‘a horror,’ draws down all the opposition of the others, +which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory passages, such +as ‘Well, did I ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’ +ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does +not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to +be a young man of very great ability; ‘and I am quite sure,’ +adds the worthy lady, ‘he always means a great deal more than +he says.’</p> +<p>The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people +alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the +subject of conversation! ‘Well, it really is curious,’ +cries ma, ‘we were at that very moment talking about you.’ +‘You did me great honour,’ replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may +I venture to ask what you were saying?’ ‘Why, if you +must know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking +what a very mysterious man you are.’ ‘Ay, ay!’ +observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’ Now Mr. Fairfax says +this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves, +with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very +equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever convinced +that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous man, +and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, which is precisely +the sort of character the censorious young gentleman is most desirous +to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a tone, +obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me there,’ and which +gives them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very +centre of its head.</p> +<p>When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious +young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general topics of the day, +he sustains his character to admiration. He considers the new +tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well, +no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he would rather +not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be. +‘But is not Mr. So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ +inquires a young lady. ‘Charming!’ replies the censorious +young gentleman. ‘Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very charming—oh, +very charming indeed.’ After this, he stirs the fire, smiling +contemptuously all the while: and a modest young gentleman, who has +been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it must be, to have +such a critical judgment. Of music, pictures, books, and poetry, +the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine conception. +As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance. ‘Now +let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ says some great +believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too +severe.’ ‘I never am severe,’ replies the censorious +young gentleman. ‘Well, never mind that now. She is +very lady-like, is she not?’ ‘Lady-like!’ repeats +the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at +a loss for anything to say). ‘Did you observe her manner? +Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?—that’s +all I ask.’ ‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins +the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did not observe it very closely +perhaps.’ ‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins the +censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. ‘Very good; then +<i>I</i> did. Let us talk no more about her.’ The +censorious young gentleman purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely, +as he says this; and it is forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax +(who, though he is a little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very +excellent judge) has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s +manner.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny +young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour +of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at +an annual family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas +that ever came.</p> +<p>We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly +as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily—for, +being an old-fashioned party, there <i>was</i> an urn, and a teapot +besides—when there came a postman’s knock at the door, so +violent and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually +caused two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies +to scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and +distress, until they had been several times assured by their respective +adorers, that they were in no danger. We were about to remark +that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a runaway knock, +when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with wonder, sank into +a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and offered to lay twenty +pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins. He had no sooner said +this, than the majority of the company and all the children of the house +burst into a roar of laughter too, as if some inimitable joke flashed +upon them simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclamations of—To +be sure it must be Griggins, and How like him that was, and What spirits +he was always in! with many other commendatory remarks of the like nature.</p> +<p>Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous +to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman +with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost +touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when +the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself, +amidst another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the +younger branches. This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions +of countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes, +which were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled +upon an ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, +that if somebody didn’t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he +would be the death of him, he knew. At this the company only laughed +more boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate +our tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which +we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh! +capital, capital!’ as loud as any of them.</p> +<p>When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received +the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the +needful introductions with much ease and many puns. This ceremony +over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless +the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after +a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among +them, and likened his condition to that of love among the roses. +At this novel jest we all roared once more. ‘You should +consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’ said we. ‘Sir,’ +replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me proud.’ Here everybody +laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our +ear that Griggins was making a dead set at us.</p> +<p>The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game, +and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting +other people’s fish, and looking over their hands in the most +comical manner. He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a +candle, which was neither more nor less than setting fire to the hair +of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and afterwards begging his +pardon with considerable humour. As the young gentleman could +not see the joke however, possibly in consequence of its being on the +top of his own head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have +done; indeed, the young gentleman was heard to murmur some general references +to ‘impertinence,’ and a ‘rascal,’ and to state +the number of his lodgings in an angry tone—a turn of the conversation +which might have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a +young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate +influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring in +an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but audible +to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she never would +think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that she must always +regard him. At this terrible threat the young gentleman became +calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously +fainted.</p> +<p>Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a short +period by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but +being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses +of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before, +insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us +that although he had known him since he was <i>that</i> high (something +smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent +cue.</p> +<p>When the round game and several games at blind man’s buff which +followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible +Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat +pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which +occasioned great commotion and much excitement. We observed that +several young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the +pale countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, +and talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too, +that several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young +gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and +protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised +at Mrs. Brown’s allowing it, and that they couldn’t bear +it, and had no patience with such impertinence. But such is the +gentle and forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly +for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent +treatment of Mr. Griggins. Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us +that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than before!</p> +<p>To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill +such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside cover. +How he drank out of other people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s +bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who +was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table +and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really +surprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, +and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. +Griggins had done it with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins +explained, and how everybody’s good-humour was restored but the +child’s;—to tell these and a hundred other things ever so +briefly, would occupy more of our room and our readers’ patience, +than either they or we can conveniently spare. Therefore we change +the subject, merely observing that we have offered no description of +the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing that +almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers +to supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances +of their particular case.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>All gentlemen who love the drama—and there are few gentlemen +who are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our +amusements—do not come within this definition. As we have +no mean relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly +anxious that this should be perfectly understood.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information +on all theatrical topics. ‘Well,’ says he, abruptly, +when you meet him in the street, ‘here’s a pretty to-do. +Flimkins has thrown up his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And +what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as much gravity as +you can counterfeit. ‘Ah, that’s the point,’ +replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; ‘Boozle +declines it; positively declines it. From all I am told, I should +say it was decidedly in Boozle’s line, and that he would be very +likely to make a great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins +having been put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall +induce him to take the character. It’s a fine part, too—excellent +business, I’m told. He has to kill six people in the course +of the piece, and to fight over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe +a card, you know, as can be. Don’t mention it; but I hear +that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by +Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest thing that has been +done these many years.’ With this piece of news, and laying +his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town with +it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different +theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all. +Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria +the vic, and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, too, are always designated +by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented +and lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and +so on. In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he +mentions actors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul +Bedford. When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’ +applied indiscriminately answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews +at Vestris’s, old Harley, and old Braham. He has a great +knowledge of the private proceedings of actresses, especially of their +getting married, and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have +changed their names without avowing it. Whenever an alteration +of this kind is made in the playbills, he will remind you that he let +you into the secret six months ago.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that +is connected with the stage department of the different theatres. +He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, +to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with +a curious and searching eye. If he can only identify a popular +actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of delight; and no +sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a few paces in front +of him, so that he can turn round from time to time, and have a good +stare at his features. He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner +as one of the most enchanting festivities ever known; and thinks that +to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see so many actors in their +plain clothes, must be one of the highest gratifications the world can +bestow.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at +one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces +which display the fullest resources of the establishment. He likes +to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a +show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not +only to believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and +seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but +is highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also. He considers +that if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in +any new play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds +accordingly. He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks +any character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be +an angel or a demon—they both do it occasionally) one of the most +interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion.</p> +<p>Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to +communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors, +which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to +his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus +he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery +waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer +half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which +assistance he must infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact, +that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather +beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr. +Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm toast-and-water, +to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters. He looks upon +Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the day; +but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,—in +proof whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently +produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions +as fast as they appear.</p> +<p>The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of +emotion and redundancy of action. If a father has to curse a child +upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style, +with no mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child +should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over +on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and +shuts the door behind him. He likes to see a blessing invoked +upon the young lady, when the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, +and accompanied by the usual conventional forms, which consist of the +old gentleman looking anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether +it rains, and then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over +the young lady’s head—soft music playing all the while. +Upon these, and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young +gentleman is a great critic indeed. He is likewise very acute +in judging of natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely +the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or +the means by which it may be converted into any other: as jealousy, +with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with +the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is +passionate love. If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy +of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures +you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that way, +and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day +to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose +not.</p> +<p>There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the +theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom +he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no +space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with +calling the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical +young gentlemen of their own acquaintance.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic +raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence +of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt +collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats +and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public. +These were poetical young gentlemen. The custom was gradually +found to be inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean +linen and too large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently +passed away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the +number of poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.</p> +<p>We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young gentleman. +We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in +any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy +cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom +has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting +a kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations +in which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and +yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly +things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all +his friends that he has been stricken poetical.</p> +<p>The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging +on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright +in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite +wall. When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is +a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your +attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a +shake of the head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary +work or other, you may take her word for it. Hereupon John looks +more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching +a pencil from his pocket, puts down three words, and a cross on the +back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once or twice across the room, inflicts +a most unmerciful slap upon his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.</p> +<p>The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of +things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity +of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted. For instance, +when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording +delicious food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the +public, our friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not +of disgust, but admiration. ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical +young gentleman, ‘how grand; how great!’ We ventured +deferentially to inquire upon whom these epithets were bestowed: our +humble thoughts oscillating between the police officer who found the +criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the head. ‘Upon +whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, +‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!’—and +thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer +was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man +of dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist +and able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies +with the great and noble of the land. We held our peace, and meekly +signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions—firstly, +because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; +and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering +into any disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the +respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not +be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity +will be plentifully expended.</p> +<p>This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman. +In his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, +and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’s +Magazine, or the ‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper; +or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow +leaves of a lady’s album. These are generally written upon +some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by midnight, +or beholding Saint Paul’s in a snow-storm; and when these gloomy +objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his soul in a +touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that he is no longer +a child, but has gradually grown up.</p> +<p>The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his +favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school. +He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to +opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there +is nothing in it worth living for. He gives you to understand, +however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in +the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong +desire to make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, +that immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great +spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied.</p> +<p>When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are +all superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest, +mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and +most pitiful. He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of +poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman? +‘Mr. Milkwash,’ says a young lady as she unlocks her album +to receive the young gentleman’s original impromptu contribution, +‘how very silent you are! I think you must be in love.’ +‘Love!’ cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from +his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full +speed, ‘Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of +the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart. Love! The withering, +blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted. +Love did you say! Ha! ha! ha!’</p> +<p>With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging +only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, +pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical +demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is +full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE ‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>There is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing +young gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer +part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours. +And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division +of our subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with +an esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen +of this class of men. We had been urging all the absurdities of +his conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities +he constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to +prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters—when +our fair friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly +cried, ‘Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’ +What then? Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she did, +but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have +been better if she had done so at first.</p> +<p>The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed +of vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with +some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description +of themselves. The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young +gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off +young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the +deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable +books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from +the lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and +tables, and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid +prospect of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the +fine hunting stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything +upon the same magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off young +gentleman, ‘princely; quite princely. Ah!’ And +he sighs as if mourning over the fallen fortunes of his noble house.</p> +<p>The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking, +running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games +of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, +or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him—that is <i>could</i> +not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there should +be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice +just now, and has been for some years. If you mention any beautiful +girl of your common acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young +gentleman starts, smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite +involuntary: people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although +she is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn’t +possibly encourage the—‘but it’s of no use talking +about it!’ he adds, interrupting himself. ‘She has +got over it now, and I firmly hope and trust is happy.’ +With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a mysterious manner, +and whistling the first part of some popular air, thinks perhaps it +will be better to change the subject.</p> +<p>There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young gentleman, +which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’ with a most +extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus +in all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has +no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted +with some distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose +testimony decides the point against you, to the great—may we say +it—to the great admiration of three young ladies out of every +four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected +young man, and a most charming person.</p> +<p>Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon +a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the +evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit +of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to +equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous +young ladies, which is his proper element. It is delightful to +hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives +utterance to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with +which, from long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment +to a lady with two for himself. ‘Did you ever see a more +lovely blue than this flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a young lady +who, truth to tell, is rather smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman. +‘Never,’ he replies, bending over the object of admiration, +‘never but in your eyes.’ ‘Oh, Mr. Caveton,’ +cries the young lady, blushing of course. ‘Indeed I speak +the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘I +never saw any approach to them. I used to think my cousin’s +blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside yours.’ +‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!’ replies the young +lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic +of all young ladies; ‘an affair, of course.’ ‘No; +indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the throwing-off young gentleman +with great energy. ‘I fervently hope that her attachment +towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy +in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may +soon overcome it. <i>I</i> love her! Think not so meanly +of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches, +and beauty, can influence <i>my</i> choice. The heart, the heart, +Miss Lowfield.’ Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks +his voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims +to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their bonnets +on, that Mr. Caveton’s relations are all immensely rich, and that +he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and beauty.</p> +<p>We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain knowledge, +was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to recognise a tune +by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he had previously +satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument within a mile +of the house.</p> +<p>We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking +a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint +of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering +listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing +out of tune, let him try as he would. We have lived to witness +the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out +a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after +passing successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for +his red whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, +turned out to be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small +country town, and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure, +we should not yet despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of +some rich heiress. Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen +are often swindlers, and always fools. So pray you avoid them.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>THE YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>This young gentleman has several titles. Some young ladies +consider him ‘a nice young man,’ others ‘a fine young +man,’ others ‘quite a lady’s man,’ others ‘a +handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young man.’ +With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect angel,’ and with +others ‘quite a love.’ He is likewise a charming creature, +a duck, and a dear.</p> +<p>The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh colour +and very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays +on every possible opportunity. He has brown or black hair, and +whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the +hue which is vulgarly known as <i>sandy</i>, is not considered an objection. +If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, +he is an uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly. +Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though +this is not absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, +and smile constantly.</p> +<p>There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours +last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we hold that +such wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of +the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably +have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that +the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions +by a choice sample of the young ladies’ young gentleman, whom +we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting. This determined +us, and we went.</p> +<p>We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling +company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the projectors +on the box—and to start from the residence of the projectors, +Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely. We arrived +at the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass +coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and +young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, +who appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might +have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else. +Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, +we ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty +reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’ +young gentleman.</p> +<p>‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what has become +of Mr. Balim—always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable. +I am sure I can-<i>not</i> think.’ As these last words were +uttered in that measured, emphatic manner which painfully announces +that the speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what to say, +but is determined to talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took +up the subject, and hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon +which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr. Balim!’ and +one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express +should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim’s lodgings. +This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short +young lady behind us termed ‘quite a bearish way,’ that +if Mr. Balim didn’t choose to come, he might stop at home. +At this all the daughters raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except +one sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage +of a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might +have been married that morning—for which impertinent suggestion +she was summarily ejected from the room by her eldest sister.</p> +<p>We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when +one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys +usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays, +and keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep +trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr. +Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and +the intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards +by the entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries +of ‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ whereunto +the naughty creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence +of a late party the night before, and had only just risen. The +acknowledgment awakened a variety of agonizing fears that he had taken +no breakfast; which appearing after a slight cross-examination to be +the real state of the case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, +notwithstanding Mr. Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t +think of it. He did think of it though, and thought better of +it too, for he made a remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously +served by a select knot of young ladies. It was quite delightful +to see how he ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out +his coffee, and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the +rest of the company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches, +and the glass coaches,—and the little boys looking on in an agony +of apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it might +have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back again, +and welcome, for aught they cared.</p> +<p>However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated +with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow; +and the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the +carriages, ‘according,’ as one married lady observed, ‘to +the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.’ +Thinking it very likely it might be (we have never been able to discover +the other half), we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect, +and were fortunate enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were +one old lady, four young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young +ladies’ young gentleman.</p> +<p>We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ young +gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to +inquire whether he had danced to that the night before. ‘By +Heaven, then, I did,’ replied the young gentleman, ‘and +with a lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’ +‘You seem rather struck,’ observed another young lady. +‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned the young +gentleman, arranging his hair. ‘Of course <i>she</i> was +struck too?’ inquired the first young lady. ‘How can +you ask, love?’ interposed the second; ‘could she fail to +be?’ ‘Well, honestly I think she was,’ observed +the young gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young +lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s +right, struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said +he was a vain man—whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having +the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for help to the other young +ladies, a charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the +young gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish +over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly +upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young +gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place +upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or +not, which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a +considerable time. At length, a short silence occurring, the young +ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; +and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a +pair of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness +and to scream very loud. The lively conversation to which this +pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would +have eked out a much longer one.</p> +<p>We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such +circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and +the bread. The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which +they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to inconvenience; +mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; and the +attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly drunk at a respectful +distance.</p> +<p>We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he +flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of +young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their +plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from +its excessive playfulness. His conversation, too, was exceedingly +brilliant. In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course +of a little lively <i>badinage</i> on the subject of ladies’ dresses, +he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner.</p> +<p>As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after +dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone +into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the +greater part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes +and the young ladies’ young gentleman among them. Nor were +we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping through the +trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing +to contemplate his greatness.</p> +<p>The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the ground, +at the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was +so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty +spoils, that he looked like a lamb—or perhaps a calf would be +a better simile—adorned for the sacrifice. One young lady +supported a parasol over his interesting head, another held his hat, +and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown +off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and +his face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, was +warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise of female +loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we burst into an +involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty retreat.</p> +<p>What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are! +Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their +merit. They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice +men.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<h2>CONCLUSION</h2> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines2"><br /><br /></div> +<p>As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young +gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them +to understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues +and perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat +us with confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and +distrust of the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they +cannot do better than preserve and maintain—we say, as we have +done all this, we feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of +our task, they may naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular +description of young gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend.</p> +<p>Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neither +recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman, +nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, +nor the political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, +nor the censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor +the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor +the throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ young +gentleman.</p> +<p>As there are some good points about many of them, which still are +not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as +a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a +young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and +the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal +altar, whether he will or no. And to the young lady who secures +him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected +from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter +written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her marriage.</p> +<p>‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve +the esteem of your husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will +suffer him to <i>esteem</i> you against his judgment; and although he +is not capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent +and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and +beauty with more durable qualities. You have but a very few years +to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months +to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you +do not still dream of charms and raptures, which marriage ever did, +and ever will, put a sudden end to.’</p> +<p>From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate +lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman +to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself. +Without in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely +to observe, that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a +full specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we +beg it to be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to +accept the highest bidder.</p> +<p>These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman +and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials +of approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested +to be addressed.</p> +<div class="GutenbergBlankLines3"><br /><br /><br /></div> +<p>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN ***</p> +<pre> + +******This file should be named skygm10h.htm or skygm10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our EBooks get a new NUMBER, skygm11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, skygm10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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