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diff --git a/918-0.txt b/918-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0121897 --- /dev/null +++ b/918-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2143 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles +Dickens, Illustrated by Hablot Knight Browne + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen + + +Author: Charles Dickens + + + +Release Date: April 14, 2015 [eBook #918] +[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN*** + + +Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall _Sketches by Boz_ edition by +David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN + + + TO THE YOUNG LADIES + OF THE + United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland; + ALSO + THE YOUNG LADIES + OF + THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES, + AND LIKEWISE + THE YOUNG LADIES + RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF + Guernsey, Jersey, Alderney, and Sark, + THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER, + +SHEWETH,— + +THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation, a +work purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written by Quiz, +illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo. + +THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your +Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable +sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo +or any other mo. + +THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable sex +are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator is +not at present prepared to deny that you _are_ animals, still he humbly +submits that it is not polite to call you so. + +THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described as +Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable sex +or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and +disrespectful appellation. + +THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice +prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator +contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of Quiz, +which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion, and implies +an intention of quizzing. + +THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author of the +said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed in him by +some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could have +acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs of your +Honourable sex in general. + +THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various +slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in the +said work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young Ladies,’ your +Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled +‘Sketches of Young Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits your acceptance +and approval. + +THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen, +so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies; +and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful +language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly +suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should +possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex +who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in +swallowing the last,—prevention being in all cases better than cure, as +we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment, +but also of traditionary wisdom. + +THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator has no +further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions +issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your Honourable +sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to take fifty of +Number 2, without delay. + + And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c. + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +The Bashful Young Gentleman 403 +The Out-and-out Young Gentleman 407 +The Very Friendly Young Gentleman 410 +The Military Young Gentleman 414 +The Political Young Gentleman 418 +The Domestic Young Gentleman 421 +The Censorious Young Gentleman 424 +The Funny Young Gentleman 427 +The Theatrical Young Gentleman 431 +The Poetical Young Gentleman 433 +The ‘Throwing-off’ Young Gentleman 436 +The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman 439 +Conclusion 443 + + + + +THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +WE found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite a +stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly +attracted our attention. + +This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise of +light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very +velvet-like, soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter term +invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, +highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather +remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or striking +expression it presented. His whole face was suffused with a crimson +blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, which betokens a man +ill at ease with himself. + +There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing +remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young +gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs, into +which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards us who +were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons who +warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and pressed +it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after which he +dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his way a fine +little girl of six years and a quarter old—and shrouding himself behind +some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess +detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was +requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and +thirty. + +This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have +gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high +respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had +not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a +desperate effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the +bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. This +impression was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful +young gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view +of ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture. + +The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings, and +turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his +loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. There was nothing very bad in +this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and say +nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would have +been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful +attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen in +the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and then +giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with +great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the +unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who +was dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young gentleman +would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the violent +rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe. + +From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that it +was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman, and so indeed it was. +Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve his embarrassment by +taking wine with him, but finding that it only augmented his sufferings, +and that after mingling sherry, champagne, hock, and moselle together, he +applied the greater part of the mixture externally, instead of +internally, they gradually dropped off, and left him to the exclusive +care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, +firmly believed she had secured a listener. He broke a glass or two in +the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is +inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the +house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s hat. + +This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent +characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this +portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future +generations, we record them here for their guidance and behoof. + +If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance to +stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance, +nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His first impulse is to +make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does until, +observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to do so or +not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them to do the +same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary dodging and +falling up against the other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most +affectionately with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their +grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very +muddy and disordered. The chances are that the bashful young gentleman +then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded that it has +only just left off raining for the first time these three days, he +blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a very good thing. The +young lady who was most anxious to speak, here inquires, with an air of +great commiseration, how his dear sister Harriet is to-day; to which the +young gentleman, without the slightest consideration, replies with many +thanks, that she is remarkably well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the +young lady, ‘why, we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been +perfectly miserable about her.’ ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman, ‘so +she was. Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’ The young gentleman then +shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been smiling +perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause, gives his glove a +great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a strong emphasis on the +adjective, ‘_Good_ morning, _good_ morning.’ And making a great number +of bows in acknowledgment of several little messages to his sister, walks +backward a few paces, and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, +knocking his hat off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and +bodily pain he is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a +carter attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile +cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the +satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily. + +At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as near +the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he smiles at +the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward to shake +hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition +seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing the +first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather wait +a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself to be +introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing +furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies +are congregated together. + +‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’ +Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and his +fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well knows, +to make himself agreeable. The young lady more than half expects that +the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the bashful young +gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has got anything to +say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he +has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, the young lady, after +several inspections of her _bouquet_, all made in the expectation that +the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her mamma, who is +sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young gentleman immediately +suspects (and possibly with very good reason) must be about _him_. In +this comfortable condition he remains until it is time to ‘stand up,’ +when murmuring a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm, +and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that she +has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and +making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate failure, +preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her +twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in +confusion. + +A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do get married +sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to us—a married +bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold by contrast, or +merges her proper importance in his own insignificance. Bashful young +gentlemen should be cured, or avoided. They are never hopeless, and +never will be, while female beauty and attractions retain their +influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it worth while on +this confident assurance to take a patient in hand. + + + + +THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +OUT-AND-OUT young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—those who +have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shall commence with +the former, because that species come more frequently under the notice of +young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and to instruct. + +The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his +instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general +direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a regular bang-up sort of thing.’ +For some years past, the favourite costume of the out-and-out young +gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two gilt hooks and eyes to +the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger than crown-pieces; a black or +fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown; +tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots. Out of doors he sometimes +carries a large ash stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers +keeping his hands in his coat pockets. He smokes at all hours, of +course, and swears considerably. + + [Picture: The out-and-out Young Gentleman] + +The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house or +solicitor’s office, in which he does as little as he possibly can: his +chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the theatres. +In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen have a +pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving females and +other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails to afford them +the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of +their being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially. In +all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to select +each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length, and (if the +weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he lies with his knees +up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly on the cushion, so that if +any low fellow should ask him to make room for a lady, he takes ample +revenge upon her dress, without going at all out of his way to do it. He +always sits with his hat on, and flourishes his stick in the air while +the play is proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if +it be possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a +little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element, +squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous manner +possible. If they can only succeed in irritating the gentleman who has a +family of daughters under his charge, they are like to die with laughing, +and boast of it among their companions for a week afterwards, adding, +that one or two of them were ‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really +thought the youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted +to render the joke complete. + +If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of course +he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor things!) +having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited and moping +for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time, he +cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s, +with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or two, +smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his +rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses +nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the +way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by the +recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu +dinner at a fighting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place on a +dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law, which is +probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant. + +As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in ladies’ +society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when they reach the +friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is kind enough to talk to him, +remains there without being much troubled by the attentions of other +people, until he espies, lingering outside the door, another gentleman, +whom he at once knows, by his air and manner (for there is a kind of +free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother out-and-outer, and towards +whom he accordingly makes his way. Conversation being soon opened by +some casual remark, the second out-and-outer confidentially informs the +first, that he is one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, +only he couldn’t very well be off coming; to which the other replies, +that that’s just his case—‘and I’ll tell you what,’ continues the +out-and-outer in a whisper, ‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and +water just now,’—‘Or a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other +out-and-outer. + +The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each of +them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands what’s +what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially when it +appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman, long +favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’ who upon divers +occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that would not have +disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been a pretty long time about +town—had the honour of once shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. +Thurtell himself. + +At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening up +very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud their +intention of beginning to spend the evening—a process which is generally +understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is +drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out +young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having protracted their sitting +until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to the +drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters empty, +they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, and faces +rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the house whispers her +friends as they waltz together, to the great terror of the whole room, +that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice sort of young men in +their way, only they are eccentric persons, and unfortunately _rather too +wild_!’ + +The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of +persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning any, +enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respectable gentlemen, +without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external appearance, +are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive characteristics, +in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and then find their way +into society, through the medium of the other class of out-and-out young +gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home, and who usually pay their +tavern bills. As they are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, +intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them +to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that +some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are +perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the +light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a +strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of +construction. + + + + +THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +WE know—and all people know—so many specimens of this class, that in +selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a great number, +we have been induced to give the very friendly young gentleman the +preference over many others, to whose claims upon a more cursory view of +the question we had felt disposed to assign the priority. + +The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, but he +attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families: +regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance, or +some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest. He is of any +age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must be fond of +children, and is expected to make himself generally useful if possible. +Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which is the shortest mode +and the clearest. + +We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost +sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety to renew our +former intimacy—urged us to dine with him on an early day, that we might +talk over old times. We readily assented, adding, that we hoped we +should be alone. ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’ said our friend, ‘not a +soul with us but Mincin.’ ‘And who is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry. +‘O don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, ‘he’s a most particular friend of +mine, and a very friendly fellow you will find him;’ and so he left us. + +‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves at the +house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned towards +a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the fireplace, +and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom he had spoken. +It required no great penetration on our part to discover at once that Mr. +Mincin was in every respect a very friendly young gentleman. + +‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our hand +warmly between both of his, ‘I am delighted, I am sure, to make your +acquaintance—(here he smiled)—very much delighted indeed—(here he +exhibited a little emotion)—I assure you that I have looked forward to it +anxiously for a very long time:’ here he released our hands, and rubbing +his own, observed, that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to +perceive from our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then +went on to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he +had that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to +the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of +Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet +seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very +extraordinary piece of intelligence. We ventured to remark, that we had +a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a similar +paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us +confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we +were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by putting in +such things. Who the deuce, he should like to know, did they suppose +cared about them? that struck him as being the best of it. + +The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin’s +friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in +consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large +easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully +closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see that +they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points, he +expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how she +found herself to-day. Upon the lady’s replying very well, Mr. Mincin +(who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some general remarks +upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us +agreeably until dinner-time. During the meal, he devoted himself to +complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an +uncommonly agreeable quartette. + +‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he closed +the room door after the lady had retired, ‘you have very great reason to +be fond of your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, sir!’ ‘Nay, Mincin—I +beg,’ interposed the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper +unquestionably was particularly sweet. ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’ ‘Why +not?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not? Why should you feel any delicacy +before your old friend—_our_ old friend, if I may be allowed to call you +so, sir; why should you, I ask?’ We of course wished to know why he +should also, upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper _was_ a very +sweet woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and begged to +propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said, +‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low voice, to +understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s cousin’s life no less +than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he considered no common +circumstance—an opinion to which we most cordially subscribed. + +Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation, Mr. +Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent; he was +so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk about +anything in which he had not the chief concern. We happened to allude to +some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually engaged nearly +fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke +which our friend had made on that day four years, which he positively +must insist upon telling—and which he did tell accordingly, with many +pleasant recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and +how he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on the +very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, +and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the lobby, where she +smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went back again, with many +other interesting and absorbing particulars: after which the friendly +young gentleman went on to assure us, that our friend had experienced a +marvellously prophetic opinion of that same pantomime, which was of such +an admirable kind, that two morning papers took the same view next day: +to this our friend replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance +he had some reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly +young gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct; +and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink +one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved +the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart. +Finally, our friend having emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you, +Mincin,’—and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much +affection and earnestness. + +But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene like +this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased _éclat_. +Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the +Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear +friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to +mention. He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but +how exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his +dear friends! If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one +little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin +on the carpet riding on his foot. He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper +on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, +and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious +old lady to consider herself neglected. If any young lady, being +prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her +tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which she +must take medicinally. If any gentleman be standing by the piano during +the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by the arm at one point +of the melody, and softly beating time the while with his head, expresses +in dumb show his intense perception of the delicacy of the passage. If +anybody’s self-love is to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If +anybody’s overweening vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit +it. What wonder that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. +Mincin’s friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as +amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a +beau, and fathers a wonder! And who would not have the reputation of the +very friendly young gentleman? + + + + +THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +WE are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military +young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young +ladies of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of them as to suppose +that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red coat ensures him a +ready passport to their regard; and even if this were the case, it would +be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance, because, although the +analogy may in some degree hold good in the case of mail coachmen and +guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and _they_ are not to our +knowledge better received than other men; nor are firemen either, who +wear (or used to wear) not only red coats, but very resplendent and +massive badges besides—much larger than epaulettes. Neither do the +twopenny post-office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct, +find any peculiar favour in woman’s eyes, although they wear very bright +red jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing in +public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to +be greatly in their favour. + +We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in the +conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen in +red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as fine +swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their king and +country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the inferior +classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with a little +gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure of the +audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who +consort with them. But we will not devote these pages to our +speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present +moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her +Majesty’s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by +it. For ‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’ but upon consideration, we +think the former the more appropriate word of the two. + + [Picture: The Military Young Gentleman] + +These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—young gentlemen who +are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having an intense and +enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to a military life, +are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations to wear out their +existence in some ignoble counting-house. We will take this latter +description of military young gentlemen first. + +The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated +in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is so learned upon as +uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant, what the +habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment wear +stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons the +Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards and odd +inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply +read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of +trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon ‘crack +regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemen who compose them, of whose +mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling. + +We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day, +after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion of +half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles of +kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’ regiments would be +an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being a more expressive and appropriate +designation, when he suddenly interrupted us by pulling out his watch, +and observing that he must hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be +too late to hear the band play. Not wishing to interfere with so +important an engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed +by the anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no +attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company with +ready good-will. + +Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down +Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to one +of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount +guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance and +eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and horse +with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all that was +passing around him. We were not much surprised at the discovery that it +was our friend, the military young gentleman, but we _were_ a little +astonished when we returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him +still there, looking on with the same intensity as before. As it was a +very windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his +reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether ‘that was +not a glorious spectacle,’ and proceeded to give us a detailed account of +the weight of every article of the spectacle’s trappings, from the man’s +gloves to the horse’s shoes. + +We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our daily +walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen to plant +themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure, in +periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. +We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very +promising young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which +cannot be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged +inspection of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great +curiosity, and as much composure and indifference as if the man were +wax-work. + +But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, and at +the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges from the +barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes the way +towards the high street. He wears his undress uniform, which somewhat +mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great, how grand, he is! +What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and +how lightly he carries that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more +ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella! The lion is sleeping: only +think if an enemy were in sight, how soon he’d whip it out of the +scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he would be! + +But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; and +now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, +arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels +on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, which should +cause all peaceful men to quail at heart. They stop to talk. See how +the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has his +pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the +fainthearted civilians who linger to look upon his glory; how the next +young gentleman elevates his head in the air, and majestically places his +arms a-kimbo, while the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and +clasps his hands behind him. Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest, +but in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing. Oh! if some +encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of +those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they +move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t he +tremble a little! + +And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command +of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—what a splendid +sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their country look round the +house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they may make +themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for they (the +military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for +anything. And what a contrast between them, and that stage-box full of +grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have +nothing at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who—but +for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and +bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the +pains to announce to the contrary! + +Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed young +gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them too, +only he doesn’t care to show it just now. Very well done indeed! He +talks louder to the little group of military young gentlemen who are +standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies in the next box but one +to look round, in order that their faces may undergo the same ordeal of +criticism to which they have subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, +the majority of the female portion of the audience. Oh! a gentleman in +the same box looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an +impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his friends at +once, and hurries away to them with the most charming cordiality. + +Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive +the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in +five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by the +mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom he was +walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young ladies and +commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a +rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young +gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment three +of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole world. + + + + +THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +ONCE upon a time—_not_ in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a more +recent period of our history—it was customary to banish politics when +ladies were present. If this usage still prevailed, we should have had +no chapter for political young gentlemen, for ladies would have neither +known nor cared what kind of monster a political young gentleman was. +But as this good custom in common with many others has ‘gone out,’ and +left no word when it is likely to be home again; as political young +ladies are by no means rare, and political young gentlemen the very +reverse of scarce, we are bound in the strict discharge of our most +responsible duty not to neglect this natural division of our subject. + +If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and there +_are_ political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he is wholly +absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles communicate the +same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so the political +glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental vision, give +to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling. The political young +gentleman would as soon think of being struck with the beauty of a young +lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister +to the opposite member. + +If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually some +vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly +explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to be +very easily got over by the other side. He has also some choice +sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use at +the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at +intervals with surprising effect. But his great topic is the +constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much +heat and fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, +but because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state, +and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on +the other side say it isn’t, which is quite a sufficient reason for him +to say it is, and to stick to it. + +Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people. If a fight +takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken, and a few +windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with a triumphant +air, and exclaims, ‘Here’s your precious people!’ If half-a-dozen boys +run across the course at race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the +young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the +conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play +and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries ‘No’ and ‘Shame’ till +he is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular +moderation _now_; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for +him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it +with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, +the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with +great violence against _the other people_, with whom, of course, they +have no possible connexion. In much the same manner the audience at a +theatre never fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of +the public—always laughing heartily at some other public, and never at +themselves. + +If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very +profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions to +put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical +deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, too, which is +more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having many +ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various +cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country, the +position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance of +power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines of political +economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great many +parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, +none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the +toughest question and leave you nothing to say. He gives all the young +ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest woman that ever +lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins the new member, +says he’s very well for a representative, all things considered, but he +wants a little calling to account, and he is more than half afraid it +will be necessary to bring him down on his knees for that vote on the +miscellaneous estimates. At this, the young ladies express much +wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament is not to be brought +upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the political young gentleman +smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of +that day, when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required +to render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young ladies +utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, while their +lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than blasphemous. + +It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young +gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a +dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to +Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small +chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping +all the noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the +Tower for a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on +their own heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the +armoury, to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon +these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind +in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and +irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely +where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the +better of the other. + +In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political young +gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion, or +anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when, +thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite +discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail. They have +recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches, but as +there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted, +whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until +they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the +effort. + +As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties +concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue +them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice +to discountenance such talkers altogether. + + + + +THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +LET us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. We +are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place, he will +answer our purpose without another word of comment. + +Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother, just +within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St. +Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather is at +all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up in the +right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when he goes +home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries spectacles +for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice, of which he +makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing. + +The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself and his mother, +both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting persons. +As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so Felix and his mother +are scarcely ever separate in spirit. If you ask Felix how he finds +himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with a long and minute bulletin of +his mother’s state of health; and the good lady in her turn, edifies her +acquaintance with a circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed +four times and coughed once after being out in the rain the other night, +but having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a +flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly than by +this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the next morning, +and enabled to go to business as usual. + +Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he has +passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is one +great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted to +overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon which +Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought would +have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite, for he +continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix took out +his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare +in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the +street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then, +roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a +double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with +uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and running +into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at the coachman, +and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon says, looking about +her for a simile, as white as that ceiling. She never will forget his +fury that night, Never! + +To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking at +you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end of it, +adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks afterwards, +in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an +exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would have done to him if +he _had_ seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right +fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’ with a distracted air, and +insists upon extorting a promise that he never will on any account do +anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it being something more than +three years since the offence was committed—reluctantly concedes, and his +mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his spirit +will lead him into something violent yet. The discourse then, by an easy +transition, turns upon the spirit which glows within the bosom of Felix, +upon which point Felix himself becomes eloquent, and relates a thrilling +anecdote of the time when he used to sit up till two o’clock in the +morning reading French, and how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will +make yourself ill, I know you will;’ and how _he_ used to say, ‘Mother, I +don’t care—I will do it;’ and how at last his mother privately procured a +doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse, +that if he had gone on reading one night more—only one night more—he must +have put a blister on each temple, and another between his shoulders; and +who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and writing a prescription for +a blue pill, said it must be taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for +the consequences. The recital of these and many other moving perils of +the like nature, constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’s +friends. + + [Picture: The Domestic Young Gentleman] + +Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, being +a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried +girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son, +hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that they +must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular, and terribly +severe upon young ladies. At this last caution the young ladies resident +in the same row, who happen to be spending the evening there, put their +pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and are troubled with a short +cough; just then Felix knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the +tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in +the back parlour that he needn’t mind coming in in his slippers, for +there are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite +sure they will excuse _him_, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds, +in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at +which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in +particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint +for want of his tea, changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to +laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish. Here they +all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage +of the proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with +the grateful herb that ‘cheers but not inebriates,’ removes his cup from +his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are; +whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not to be +sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, and another +smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly indeed, is perfectly +satisfied. + +Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists +upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card. +This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties, he +brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest Miss +Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till +supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally, +after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts on +his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson’s servant to +run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house, +five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one +stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back +again, when they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’ and trip into the +passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever played. + +Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish +about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar +corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female +acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a +thorough old bachelor. He is a favourite with them however, in a certain +way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his +peculiarities harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that +many who are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word +in his behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his +harmless existence. + + + + +THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +THERE is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, upon +whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over of the +subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation. +Young ladies mildly call him a ‘sarcastic’ young gentleman, or a ‘severe’ +young gentleman. We, who know better, beg to acquaint them with the +fact, that he is merely a censorious young gentleman, and nothing else. + +The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars of +a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all +intelligence and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, +accompanied with a half smile, expressive of anything you please but +good-humour. This sets people about thinking what on earth the +censorious young gentleman means, and they speedily arrive at the +conclusion that he means something very deep indeed; for they reason in +this way—‘This young gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean +something, and as I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep +meaning he must have if I can’t find it out!’ It is extraordinary how +soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small +circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings +accordingly. + +As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous to +acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked about +among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him. ‘I wonder,’ +exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work to turn up the +lamp, ‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be married.’ ‘Bless me, +dear,’ cries Miss Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’ ‘Really I +hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; ‘he is such a very mysterious +person, that I often wonder about him.’ ‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ +replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do I.’ Here two other young ladies +profess that they are constantly doing the like, and all present appear +in the same condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state +that she considers Mr. Fairfax ‘a horror,’ draws down all the opposition +of the others, which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory +passages, such as ‘Well, did I ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’ ma takes up +the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does not think Mr. +Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to be a young man of +very great ability; ‘and I am quite sure,’ adds the worthy lady, ‘he +always means a great deal more than he says.’ + +The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people +alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the +subject of conversation! ‘Well, it really is curious,’ cries ma, ‘we +were at that very moment talking about you.’ ‘You did me great honour,’ +replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may I venture to ask what you were saying?’ ‘Why, +if you must know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking what a +very mysterious man you are.’ ‘Ay, ay!’ observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’ +Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words +enough in themselves, with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies +them with such a very equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are +more than ever convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he +is a very dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, +which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young gentleman +is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a +tone, obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me there,’ and which gives +them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very centre +of its head. + +When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious +young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general topics of the day, he +sustains his character to admiration. He considers the new tragedy well +enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well, no matter; he could say +a great deal on that point, but he would rather not, lest he should be +thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be. ‘But is not Mr. +So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’ inquires a young lady. +‘Charming!’ replies the censorious young gentleman. ‘Oh, dear, yes, +certainly; very charming—oh, very charming indeed.’ After this, he stirs +the fire, smiling contemptuously all the while: and a modest young +gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it +must be, to have such a critical judgment. Of music, pictures, books, +and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine +conception. As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance. +‘Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ says some great +believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too severe.’ ‘I +never am severe,’ replies the censorious young gentleman. ‘Well, never +mind that now. She is very lady-like, is she not?’ ‘Lady-like!’ repeats +the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at a +loss for anything to say). ‘Did you observe her manner? Bless my heart +and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?—that’s all I ask.’ +‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did +not observe it very closely perhaps.’ ‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins +the censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. ‘Very good; then _I_ did. +Let us talk no more about her.’ The censorious young gentleman purses up +his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith +whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced, +must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has observed something +exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s manner. + + + + +THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +AS one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny young +Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour of an +individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at an annual +family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas that +ever came. + +We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly as the +guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily—for, being an +old-fashioned party, there _was_ an urn, and a teapot besides—when there +came a postman’s knock at the door, so violent and sudden, that it +startled the whole circle, and actually caused two or three very +interesting and most unaffected young ladies to scream aloud and to +exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and distress, until they had +been several times assured by their respective adorers, that they were in +no danger. We were about to remark that it was surely beyond post-time, +and must have been a runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been +paralysed with wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of +laughter, and offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog +Griggins. He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company +and all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as +if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave vent +to various exclamations of—To be sure it must be Griggins, and How like +him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many other +commendatory remarks of the like nature. + +Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous +to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman +with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost +touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when the +door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself, amidst +another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the younger +branches. This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions of +countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which +were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an +ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if +somebody didn’t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the +death of him, he knew. At this the company only laughed more +boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our tone +and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which we find +ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh! capital, capital!’ +as loud as any of them. + +When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received the +welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the needful +introductions with much ease and many puns. This ceremony over, he +avowed his intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless the young ladies +made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after a great deal of +tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among them, and likened his +condition to that of love among the roses. At this novel jest we all +roared once more. ‘You should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’ +said we. ‘Sir,’ replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me proud.’ Here everybody +laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear +that Griggins was making a dead set at us. + +The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game, and +here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting other +people’s fish, and looking over their hands in the most comical manner. +He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a candle, which was neither +more nor less than setting fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who +sat next him, and afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour. +As the young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in +consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go off +quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young gentleman was +heard to murmur some general references to ‘impertinence,’ and a +‘rascal,’ and to state the number of his lodgings in an angry tone—a turn +of the conversation which might have been productive of slaughterous +consequences, if a young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not +used her immediate influence to bring about a reconciliation: +emphatically declaring in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar +edification but audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that +way, she never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as +that she must always regard him. At this terrible threat the young +gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of +feeling, instantaneously fainted. + + [Picture: The Funny Young Gentleman] + +Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a short period by this +unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but being promptly +elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses of wine, he +soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before, insomuch that +the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us that although he +had known him since he was _that_ high (something smaller than a +nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent cue. + +When the round game and several games at blind man’s buff which followed +it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible Mr. +Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat pocket, +and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which +occasioned great commotion and much excitement. We observed that several +young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the pale +countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, and +talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too, that +several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young +gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and +protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised +at Mrs. Brown’s allowing it, and that they couldn’t bear it, and had no +patience with such impertinence. But such is the gentle and forgiving +nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we could +not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent treatment of Mr. +Griggins. Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us that among the ladies he +seemed rather more popular than before! + +To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill such a +tiny volume as this, {429} to the very bottom of the outside cover. How +he drank out of other people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s bread, +how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who was sitting +up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table and suddenly +reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really surprised that +anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host +frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it +with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how +everybody’s good-humour was restored but the child’s;—to tell these and a +hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of our room and +our readers’ patience, than either they or we can conveniently spare. +Therefore we change the subject, merely observing that we have offered no +description of the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing +that almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all +readers to supply the deficiency, according to the particular +circumstances of their particular case. + + + + +THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +ALL gentlemen who love the drama—and there are few gentlemen who are not +attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our amusements—do +not come within this definition. As we have no mean relish for +theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly anxious that +this should be perfectly understood. + +The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information on all +theatrical topics. ‘Well,’ says he, abruptly, when you meet him in the +street, ‘here’s a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up his part in the +melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as +much gravity as you can counterfeit. ‘Ah, that’s the point,’ replies the +theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; ‘Boozle declines it; +positively declines it. From all I am told, I should say it was +decidedly in Boozle’s line, and that he would be very likely to make a +great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put +up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take +the character. It’s a fine part, too—excellent business, I’m told. He +has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight over a +bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as can be. Don’t +mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, +and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest +thing that has been done these many years.’ With this piece of news, and +laying his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town +with it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away. + +The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different +theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all. Thus +Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria the vic, +and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, too, are always designated by their +surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented and +lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and so on. +In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors, +as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford. When he is +at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’ applied indiscriminately +answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris’s, old Harley, +and old Braham. He has a great knowledge of the private proceedings of +actresses, especially of their getting married, and can tell you in a +breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names without avowing it. +Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in the playbills, he will +remind you that he let you into the secret six months ago. + +The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that is +connected with the stage department of the different theatres. He would, +at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, to omitting to +pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with a curious and +searching eye. If he can only identify a popular actor in the street, he +is in a perfect transport of delight; and no sooner meets him, than he +hurries back, and walks a few paces in front of him, so that he can turn +round from time to time, and have a good stare at his features. He looks +upon a theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities +ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see +so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the highest +gratifications the world can bestow. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at one or +other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces which +display the fullest resources of the establishment. He likes to place +implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a show-piece, +and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not only to +believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and +seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but is +highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also. He considers that +if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in any new +play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds +accordingly. He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any +character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an +angel or a demon—they both do it occasionally) one of the most +interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion. + +Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to +communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors, +which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to his +partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus he is +advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery waiting +at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer half a +pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which +assistance he must infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact, that, +after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather +beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr. +Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm +toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters. He +looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the +day; but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,—in proof +whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently produced, +of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as +they appear. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of +emotion and redundancy of action. If a father has to curse a child upon +the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style, with no +mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child should +follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over on her face +by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and shuts the door +behind him. He likes to see a blessing invoked upon the young lady, when +the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the +usual conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking +anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and then +spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young lady’s +head—soft music playing all the while. Upon these, and other points of a +similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a great critic indeed. +He is likewise very acute in judging of natural expressions of the +passions, and knows precisely the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands +for any one of them, or the means by which it may be converted into any +other: as jealousy, with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; +or wildness, with the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing +the wig, is passionate love. If you venture to express a doubt of the +accuracy of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman +assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that +way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day +to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose +not. + +There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the +theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom he +is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no space +to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with calling +the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical young +gentlemen of their own acquaintance. + + + + +THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +TIME was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic raged +among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence of +the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt collars, +and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats and +dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public. These +were poetical young gentlemen. The custom was gradually found to be +inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean linen and too +large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently passed +away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of +poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase. + +We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young gentleman. We +do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in any +remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy +cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom +has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting a +kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations in +which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and +yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all +earthly things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to +all his friends that he has been stricken poetical. + +The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging on a +sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright in a +high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite wall. +When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is a worthy, +affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your attention +without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a shake of the +head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary work or other, you +may take her word for it. Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon +vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket, +puts down three words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, +paces once or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon +his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory. + +The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of things +too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity of +vision, would suppose to be rather distorted. For instance, when the +sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording delicious +food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the public, our +friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not of disgust, but +admiration. ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical young gentleman, ‘how grand; +how great!’ We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these +epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts oscillating between the +police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the +head. ‘Upon whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of +poetry, ‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!’—and +thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer +was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man of +dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist and +able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies +with the great and noble of the land. We held our peace, and meekly +signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions—firstly, because +we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman; and +secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering into any +disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the respectable +and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not be the last +hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity will be +plentifully expended. + +This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman. In his +milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth, and +pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’s Magazine, or +the ‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper; or which, in default of +either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow leaves of a lady’s album. +These are generally written upon some such occasions as contemplating the +Bank of England by midnight, or beholding Saint Paul’s in a snow-storm; +and when these gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours +forth his soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament +that he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up. + + [Picture: The Poetical Young Gentleman] + +The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his +favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school. He +has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to +opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there +is nothing in it worth living for. He gives you to understand, however, +that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in the tiresome +play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong desire to +make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection, that +immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great spirits +whom earth has chafed and wearied. + +When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are all +superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest, +mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and most +pitiful. He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of poetry; and +who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman? ‘Mr. Milkwash,’ says +a young lady as she unlocks her album to receive the young gentleman’s +original impromptu contribution, ‘how very silent you are! I think you +must be in love.’ ‘Love!’ cries the poetical young gentleman, starting +from his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full +speed, ‘Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of the soul, +that fierce glowing of the heart. Love! The withering, blighting +influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted. Love did you say! +Ha! ha! ha!’ + +With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging only to +poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down, pen in +hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical +demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is full +of sound and fury, signifying nothing. + + + + +THE ‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +THERE is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing young +gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer part of the +creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours. And we +are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division of our +subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with an +esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen +of this class of men. We had been urging all the absurdities of his +conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he +constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a +certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters—when our fair +friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly cried, +‘Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’ What then? +Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she did, but not at our +instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have been better if +she had done so at first. + +The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of vast +property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with some +suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description of +themselves. The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young gentleman +was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off +young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the +deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable +books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the +lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables, +and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect +of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting +stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything upon the same +magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘princely; +quite princely. Ah!’ And he sighs as if mourning over the fallen +fortunes of his noble house. + +The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking, +running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games of +chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving, or +amateur theatricals, no one can touch him—that is _could_ not, because he +gives you carefully to understand, lest there should be any opportunity +of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice just now, and has +been for some years. If you mention any beautiful girl of your common +acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, +smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary: +people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although she is +a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn’t +possibly encourage the—‘but it’s of no use talking about it!’ he adds, +interrupting himself. ‘She has got over it now, and I firmly hope and +trust is happy.’ With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a +mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of some popular air, +thinks perhaps it will be better to change the subject. + +There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young +gentleman, which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’ with a most +extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus in all +disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has no argument +to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted with some +distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose testimony +decides the point against you, to the great—may we say it—to the great +admiration of three young ladies out of every four, who consider the +throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected young man, and a +most charming person. + +Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon a +little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the evening +together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit of his +glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to equal +advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous +young ladies, which is his proper element. It is delightful to hear the +number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives utterance +to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with which, from +long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment to a lady +with two for himself. ‘Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this +flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather +smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman. ‘Never,’ he replies, +bending over the object of admiration, ‘never but in your eyes.’ ‘Oh, +Mr. Caveton,’ cries the young lady, blushing of course. ‘Indeed I speak +the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘I never saw any +approach to them. I used to think my cousin’s blue eyes lovely, but they +grow dim and colourless beside yours.’ ‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. +Caveton!’ replies the young lady, with that perfect artlessness which is +the distinguishing characteristic of all young ladies; ‘an affair, of +course.’ ‘No; indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the throwing-off +young gentleman with great energy. ‘I fervently hope that her attachment +towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy in +childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may soon +overcome it. _I_ love her! Think not so meanly of me, Miss Lowfield, I +beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches, and beauty, can +influence _my_ choice. The heart, the heart, Miss Lowfield.’ Here the +throwing-off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower whisper; +and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young ladies when they +go up-stairs, to put their bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton’s relations are +all immensely rich, and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, +riches, and beauty. + +We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain +knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to +recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he +had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument +within a mile of the house. + +We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking a note +or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint of +laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering +listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing out +of tune, let him try as he would. We have lived to witness the unmasking +of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out a visiting in a +military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after passing +successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for his red +whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to +be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small country town, +and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet +despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress. +Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often swindlers, and +always fools. So pray you avoid them. + + + + +THE YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +THIS young gentleman has several titles. Some young ladies consider him +‘a nice young man,’ others ‘a fine young man,’ others ‘quite a lady’s +man,’ others ‘a handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young +man.’ With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect angel,’ and with others +‘quite a love.’ He is likewise a charming creature, a duck, and a dear. + +The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and very +white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on every +possible opportunity. He has brown or black hair, and whiskers of the +same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the hue which is +vulgarly known as _sandy_, is not considered an objection. If his head +and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square, he is an +uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly. Should his +whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though this is not +absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile +constantly. + +There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours last +summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we hold that such wild +expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the smallest +means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably have excused +ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that the projectors of +the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions by a choice +sample of the young ladies’ young gentleman, whom we were very anxious to +have an opportunity of meeting. This determined us, and we went. + +We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling +company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the +projectors on the box—and to start from the residence of the projectors, +Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely. We arrived at +the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass +coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and +young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds, who +appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might have +expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else. Observing that +our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we +ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty +reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’ +young gentleman. + +‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what has become of Mr. Balim—always +so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable. I am sure I can-_not_ +think.’ As these last words were uttered in that measured, emphatic +manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not quite made up +his or her mind what to say, but is determined to talk on nevertheless, +the eldest daughter took up the subject, and hoped no accident had +happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr. +Balim!’ and one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that +an express should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim’s lodgings. +This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short +young lady behind us termed ‘quite a bearish way,’ that if Mr. Balim +didn’t choose to come, he might stop at home. At this all the daughters +raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except one sprightly little girl of eight or +ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the discourse, +remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married that morning—for +which impertinent suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by +her eldest sister. + + [Picture: The Young Ladies’ Young Gentleman] + +We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when one of +the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys usually +run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays, and +keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep +trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr. +Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and the +intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the +entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries of +‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ whereunto the naughty +creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence of a late party +the night before, and had only just risen. The acknowledgment awakened a +variety of agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which +appearing after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the +case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr. +Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t think of it. He did +think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a +remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a select +knot of young ladies. It was quite delightful to see how he ate and +drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee, and another +put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the company ever and +anon casting angry glances at their watches, and the glass coaches,—and +the little boys looking on in an agony of apprehension lest it should +begin to rain before we set out; it might have rained all day, after we +were once too far to turn back again, and welcome, for aught they cared. + +However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated +with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow; and +the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the +carriages, ‘according,’ as one married lady observed, ‘to the immemorial +custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.’ Thinking it very +likely it might be (we have never been able to discover the other half), +we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate +enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four +young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies’ young +gentleman. + +We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ young gentleman +hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to inquire +whether he had danced to that the night before. ‘By Heaven, then, I +did,’ replied the young gentleman, ‘and with a lovely heiress; a superb +creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’ ‘You seem rather struck,’ +observed another young lady. ‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned +the young gentleman, arranging his hair. ‘Of course _she_ was struck +too?’ inquired the first young lady. ‘How can you ask, love?’ interposed +the second; ‘could she fail to be?’ ‘Well, honestly I think she was,’ +observed the young gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young +lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s right, +struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a +vain man—whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud, +and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a +charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young +gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish over, +the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly upon +the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young +gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place +upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or not, +which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a +considerable time. At length, a short silence occurring, the young +ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; +and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair +of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness +and to scream very loud. The lively conversation to which this +pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would +have eked out a much longer one. + +We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such +circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and the +bread. The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which they +attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to +inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very +fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly +drunk at a respectful distance. + +We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he +flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of young +ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their plates +and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from its +excessive playfulness. His conversation, too, was exceedingly brilliant. +In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course of a little +lively _badinage_ on the subject of ladies’ dresses, he had evinced as +much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner. + +As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after dinner +entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone into a +thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the greater +part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes and the +young ladies’ young gentleman among them. Nor were we disappointed, for +we had not walked far, when, peeping through the trees, we discovered him +before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing to contemplate his +greatness. + +The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at the feet +of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was so profusely +decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty spoils, that he +looked like a lamb—or perhaps a calf would be a better simile—adorned for +the sacrifice. One young lady supported a parasol over his interesting +head, another held his hat, and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic +fashion he had thrown off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand +upon his breast, and his face moulded into an expression of the most +honeyed sweetness, was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal +music in praise of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, +that we burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty +retreat. + +What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are! Ducks, +dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their merit. +They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice men. + + + + +CONCLUSION + + +AS we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young +gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them to +understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues and +perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat us with +confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and distrust of +the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they cannot do +better than preserve and maintain—we say, as we have done all this, we +feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of our task, they may +naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young +gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend. + +Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neither recommend +the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman, nor the +very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman, nor the +political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman, nor the +censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor the +theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor the +throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ young gentleman. + +As there are some good points about many of them, which still are not +sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as a whole, +our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a young +gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and the worst +weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal altar, +whether he will or no. And to the young lady who secures him, we beg to +tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected from many sound +passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter written by Dean +Swift to a young lady on her marriage. + +‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the esteem +of your husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer him to +_esteem_ you against his judgment; and although he is not capable of +using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent and perhaps +contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and beauty with +more durable qualities. You have but a very few years to be young and +handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months to be so in the eyes +of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you do not still dream of +charms and raptures, which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden +end to.’ + +From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate +lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman +to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself. Without +in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely to observe, +that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a full +specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we beg it to +be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the +highest bidder. + +These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman and +Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials of +approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested +to be addressed. + + + + +FOOTNOTES + + +{429} [In its original form.] + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN*** + + +******* This file should be named 918-0.txt or 918-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/9/1/918 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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