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diff --git a/old/skygm10.txt b/old/skygm10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0976afe --- /dev/null +++ b/old/skygm10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2194 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sketches of Young Gentlemen, by Charles Dickens +(#26 in our series by Charles Dickens) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Sketches of Young Gentlemen + +Author: Charles Dickens + +Release Date: May, 1997 [EBook #918] +[This file was first posted on May 23, 1997] +[Most recently updated: May 8, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN *** + + + + +Transcribed from the 1903 edition by David Price, +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + +SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN + + + + +TO THE YOUNG LADIES +OF THE +UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND; +ALSO +THE YOUNG LADIES +OF +THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES, +AND LIKEWISE +THE YOUNG LADIES +RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF +GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK, +THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER, + +SHEWETH, - + +THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous +indignation, a work purporting to be 'Sketches of Young Ladies;' +written by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, +square twelvemo. + +THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your +Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your +Honourable sex, were never contained in any previously published +work, in twelvemo or any other mo. + +THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your +Honourable sex are described and classified as animals; and +although your Dedicator is not at present prepared to deny that you +ARE animals, still he humbly submits that it is not polite to call +you so. + +THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also +described as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught +your Honourable sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be +an injurious and disrespectful appellation. + +THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in +malice prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, +your Dedicator contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his +assuming the name of Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a +foregone conclusion, and implies an intention of quizzing. + +THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author +of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence +reposed in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he +never could have acquired so much information relative to the +manners and customs of your Honourable sex in general. + +THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various +slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained +in the said work, square twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young +Ladies,' your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square +twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young Gentlemen,' of which he now +solicits your acceptance and approval. + +THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young +Gentlemen, so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of +the Young Ladies; and extending the comparison from animals (to +quote the disrespectful language of the said Quiz) to inanimate +objects, your Dedicator humbly suggests, that such of your +Honourable sex as purchased the bane should possess themselves of +the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex who were not +rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in swallowing +the last,-prevention being in all cases better than cure, as we are +informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment, +but also of traditionary wisdom. + +THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator +has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed +directions issued with Doctor Morison's pills; namely, that +whenever your Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you +will be pleased to take fifty of Number 2, without delay. + +And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c. + + + +THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, +opposite a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he +irresistibly attracted our attention. + +This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise +of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very +velvet-like, soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter +term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, +highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather +remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or +striking expression it presented. His whole face was suffused with +a crimson blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look, +which betokens a man ill at ease with himself. + +There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing +remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful +young gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above- +stairs, into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way +towards us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting +several persons who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with +visible emotion, and pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good +couple of minutes, after which he dived in a nervous manner across +the room, oversetting in his way a fine little girl of six years +and a quarter old-and shrouding himself behind some hangings, was +seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess detecting him in +his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was requested to +pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and thirty. + +This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have +gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high +respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if +we had not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in +making a desperate effort to get through the ceremony of +introduction, had, in the bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands +with us at random. This impression was fully confirmed by the +subsequent behaviour of the bashful young gentleman in question, +which we noted particularly, with the view of ascertaining whether +we were right in our conjecture. + +The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident +misgivings, and turning sharp round to pay attention to some +observation of his loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. There +was nothing very bad in this, and if he had had the presence of +mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody but the man who +had laid the cloth would have been a bit the wiser; but the young +gentleman in various semi-successful attempts to prevent its fall, +played with it a little, as gentlemen in the streets may be seen to +do with their hats on a windy day, and then giving the roll a smart +rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with great adroitness +into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the unspeakable +terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who was +dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young gentleman +would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the +violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this +catastrophe. + +From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, +that it was 'all up' with the bashful young gentleman, and so +indeed it was. Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve +his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only +augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry, +champagne, hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part +of the mixture externally, instead of internally, they gradually +dropped off, and left him to the exclusive care of the talkative +lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, firmly believed she +had secured a listener. He broke a glass or two in the course of +the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is inferred that +he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in +another gentleman's coat, and the footman's hat. + +This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent +characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as +this portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in +all future generations, we record them here for their guidance and +behoof. + +If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance +to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his +acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His +first impulse is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past +them, which he does until, observing that they wish to stop, but +are uncertain whether to do so or not, he makes several feints of +returning, which causes them to do the same; and at length, after a +great quantity of unnecessary dodging and falling up against the +other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most affectionately +with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their grasp +sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very +muddy and disordered. The chances are that the bashful young +gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded +that it has only just left off raining for the first time these +three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a +very good thing. The young lady who was most anxious to speak, +here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear +sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the +slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is +remarkably well. 'Well, Mr. Hopkins!' cries the young lady, 'why, +we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly +miserable about her.' 'Oh, ah,' says the young gentleman, 'so she +was. Oh, she's very ill, very ill indeed.' The young gentleman +then shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been +smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause, +gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a +strong emphasis on the adjective, 'GOOD morning, GOOD morning.' +And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment of several +little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces, and +comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat off +in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he is +going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter +attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile +cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he +has the satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily. + +At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as +near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he +smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps +forward to shake hands with more intimate friends: a process which +on each repetition seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. +He declines dancing the first set or two, observing, in a faint +voice, that he would rather wait a little; but at length is +absolutely compelled to allow himself to be introduced to a +partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing furiously, +across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies are +congregated together. + +'Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next +quadrille.' Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr. +Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. +Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make himself agreeable. The +young lady more than half expects that the bashful young gentleman +will say something, and the bashful young gentleman feeling this, +seriously thinks whether he has got anything to say, which, upon +mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he has not, +since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile, the young lady, after +several inspections of her bouquet, all made in the expectation +that the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her +mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young +gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very good reason) +must be about HIM. In this comfortable condition he remains until +it is time to 'stand up,' when murmuring a 'Will you allow me?' he +gives the young lady his arm, and after inquiring where she will +stand, and receiving a reply that she has no choice, conducts her +to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and making one attempt at +conversation, which turns out a desperate failure, preserves a +profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her twice +round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in +confusion. + +A married bashful gentleman-for these bashful gentlemen do get +married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to +us-a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear +bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own +insignificance. Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or +avoided. They are never hopeless, and never will be, while female +beauty and attractions retain their influence, as any young lady +will find, who may think it worth while on this confident assurance +to take a patient in hand. + + + +THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes-those +who have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shall +commence with the former, because that species come more frequently +under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn +and to instruct. + +The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his +instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one +general direction to 'make that what's-a-name a regular bang-up +sort of thing.' For some years past, the favourite costume of the +out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two +gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger +than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a +wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and +iron-shod boots. Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash +stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers keeping his +hands in his coat pockets. He smokes at all hours, of course, and +swears considerably. + +The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting- +house or solicitor's office, in which he does as little as he +possibly can: his chief places of resort are, the streets, the +taverns, and the theatres. In the streets at evening time, out- +and-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom of walking six or +eight abreast, thus driving females and other inoffensive persons +into the road, which never fails to afford them the highest +satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of their +being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially. In +all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to +select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length, +and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he +lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly +on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make +room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without +going at all out of his way to do it. He always sits with his hat +on, and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is +proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be +possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a +little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element, +squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous +manner possible. If they can only succeed in irritating the +gentleman who has a family of daughters under his charge, they are +like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their companions +for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were +'devilish fine girls,' and that they really thought the youngest +would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render the +joke complete. + +If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of +course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they +(poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too +weak-spirited and moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth- +day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very well help accompanying +them to a party at some old friend's, with which view he comes home +when they have been dressed an hour or two, smelling very strongly +of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his rough coat for +some more suitable attire (in which however he loses nothing of the +out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the way at his +own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by the +recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little +impromptu dinner at a fighting man's, and that a set-to was to take +place on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother- +in-law, which is probably 'coming off' at that very instant. + +As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in +ladies' society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when +they reach the friend's, and unless one of his sisters is kind +enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled by +the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside +the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and +manner (for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a +brother out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his +way. Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the +second out-and-outer confidentially informs the first, that he is +one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, only he +couldn't very well be off coming; to which the other replies, that +that's just his case-'and I'll tell you what,' continues the out- +and-outer in a whisper, 'I should like a glass of warm brandy and +water just now,'-'Or a pint of stout and a pipe,' suggests the +other out-and-outer. + +The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each +of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands +what's what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially +when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a +gentleman, long favourably known to his familiars as 'Mr. Warmint +Blake,' who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a +manner that would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who- +having been a pretty long time about town-had the honour of once +shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself. + +At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, +brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and +proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the +evening-a process which is generally understood to be +satisfactorily performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and a +great deal of noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out young +gentlemen execute to perfection. Having protracted their sitting +until long after the host and the other guests have adjourned to +the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained the decanters +empty, they follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, +and faces rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the +house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great +terror of the whole room, that 'both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are +very nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric +persons, and unfortunately RATHER TOO WILD!' + +The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of +persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning +any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respectable +gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in +external appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and +attractive characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, +and now and then find their way into society, through the medium of +the other class of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes +carry them home, and who usually pay their tavern bills. As they +are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and +well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them to the peculiar +consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that some of the +gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are perhaps a +little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the +light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a +strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of +construction. + + + +THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +We know-and all people know-so many specimens of this class, that +in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a +great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly young +gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon a +more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign +the priority. + +The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody, +but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three +families: regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of +acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he has an immediate +interest. He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of +course, must be fond of children, and is expected to make himself +generally useful if possible. Let us illustrate our meaning by an +example, which is the shortest mode and the clearest. + +We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had +lost sight for some years, and who-expressing a strong anxiety to +renew our former intimacy-urged us to dine with him on an early +day, that we might talk over old times. We readily assented, +adding, that we hoped we should be alone. 'Oh, certainly, +certainly,' said our friend, 'not a soul with us but Mincin.' 'And +who is Mincin?' was our natural inquiry. 'O don't mind him,' +replied our friend, 'he's a most particular friend of mine, and a +very friendly fellow you will find him;' and so he left us. + +'We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves +at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend +motioned towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his +teeth by the fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr. +Mincin, of whom he had spoken. It required no great penetration on +our part to discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a +very friendly young gentleman. + +'I am delighted,' said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our +hand warmly between both of his, 'I am delighted, I am sure, to +make your acquaintance-(here he smiled)-very much delighted indeed- +(here he exhibited a little emotion)-I assure you that I have +looked forward to it anxiously for a very long time:' here he +released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed, that the day was +severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from our appearance +that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on to observe, +that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had that +morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to the +effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of +Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven +feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very +extraordinary piece of intelligence. We ventured to remark, that +we had a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a +similar paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took +us confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be +sure, we were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by +putting in such things. Who the deuce, he should like to know, did +they suppose cared about them? that struck him as being the best of +it. + +The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin's +friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution +in consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a +large easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, +carefully closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the +windows to see that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself +upon all these points, he expressed himself quite easy in his mind, +and begged to know how she found herself to-day. Upon the lady's +replying very well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical +gentleman) offered some general remarks upon the nature and +treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us agreeably until +dinner-time. During the meal, he devoted himself to complimenting +everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an uncommonly +agreeable quartette. + +'I'll tell you what, Capper,' said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he +closed the room door after the lady had retired, 'you have very +great reason to be fond of your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper, +sir!' 'Nay, Mincin-I beg,' interposed the host, as we were about +to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was particularly sweet. +'Pray, Mincin, don't.' 'Why not?' exclaimed Mr. Mincin, 'why not? +Why should you feel any delicacy before your old friend-OUR old +friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, I +ask?' We of course wished to know why he should also, upon which +our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper WAS a very sweet woman, at +which admission Mr. Mincin cried 'Bravo!' and begged to propose +Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said, +'Thank you, Mincin,' with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low +voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper's cousin's +life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he +considered no common circumstance-an opinion to which we most +cordially subscribed. + +Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with +conversation, Mr. Mincin's extreme friendliness became every moment +more apparent; he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was +impossible to talk about anything in which he had not the chief +concern. We happened to allude to some affairs in which our friend +and we had been mutually engaged nearly fourteen years before, when +Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke which our friend had +made on that day four years, which he positively must insist upon +telling-and which he did tell accordingly, with many pleasant +recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and how +he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on +the very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the +pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the +lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went +back again, with many other interesting and absorbing particulars: +after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure us, that +our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that +same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two +morning papers took the same view next day: to this our friend +replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some +reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young +gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct; +and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must +drink one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say +no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more +friendly heart. Finally, our friend having emptied his glass, +said, 'God bless you, Mincin,'-and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands +across the table with much affection and earnestness. + +But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene +like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased +eclat. Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear +friends the Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, +and his dear friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends +too numerous to mention. He is as much at home with the Martins as +with the Cappers; but how exquisitely he balances his attentions, +and divides them among his dear friends! If he flirts with one of +the Miss Watsons, he has one little Martin on the sofa pulling his +hair, and the other little Martin on the carpet riding on his foot. +He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin +on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, and in such exact +order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious old lady to +consider herself neglected. If any young lady, being prevailed +upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her +tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which +she must take medicinally. If any gentleman be standing by the +piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by +the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating time the +while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception +of the delicacy of the passage. If anybody's self-love is to be +flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If anybody's overweening vanity +is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it. What wonder that +people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin's +friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as +amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear, +brothers a beau, and fathers a wonder! And who would not have the +reputation of the very friendly young gentleman? + + + +THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that +military young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes +of the young ladies of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of +them as to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man's wearing a +red coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if +this were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the +circumstance, because, although the analogy may in some degree hold +good in the case of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen +wear red coats, and THEY are not to our knowledge better received +than other men; nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear) +not only red coats, but very resplendent and massive badges +besides-much larger than epaulettes. Neither do the twopenny post- +office boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct, find any +peculiar favour in woman's eyes, although they wear very bright red +jackets, and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing +in public on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally +supposed to be greatly in their favour. + +We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in +the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other +gentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably +represented as fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but +charming girls, their king and country, their honour, and their +debts, and crowing over the inferior classes of the community, whom +they occasionally treat with a little gentlemanly swindling, no +less to the improvement and pleasure of the audience, than to the +satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who consort with +them. But we will not devote these pages to our speculations upon +the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present moment is not +so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her Majesty's +livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it. +For 'heads' we had written 'brains;' but upon consideration, we +think the former the more appropriate word of the two. + +These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes-young +gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, +having an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things +appertaining to a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune +or adverse relations to wear out their existence in some ignoble +counting-house. We will take this latter description of military +young gentlemen first. + +The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are +concentrated in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is +so learned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering +for an instant, what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned +up with, what regiment wear stripes down the outside and inside of +the leg, and how many buttons the Tenth had on their coats; he +knows to a fraction how many yards and odd inches of gold lace it +takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply read in the +comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of +trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon 'crack +regiments,' and the 'crack' gentlemen who compose them, of whose +mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling. + +We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other +day, after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the +profusion of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies +in the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly +'cracked' regiments would be an improvement upon 'crack,' as being +a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly +interrupted us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must +hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the +band play. Not wishing to interfere with so important an +engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the +anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no +attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company +with ready good-will. + +Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down +Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near +to one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse +soldiers mount guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the +motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was +devouring both man and horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he +seemed deaf and blind to all that was passing around him. We were +not much surprised at the discovery that it was our friend, the +military young gentleman, but we WERE a little astonished when we +returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him still there, +looking on with the same intensity as before. As it was a very +windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his +reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether +'that was not a glorious spectacle,' and proceeded to give us a +detailed account of the weight of every article of the spectacle's +trappings, from the man's gloves to the horse's shoes. + +We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our +daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young +gentlemen to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and +contemplate them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen +minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five. We were much struck a +day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising young +butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot be +too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection +of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity, +and as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work. + +But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time, +and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he +emerges from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), +and takes the way towards the high street. He wears his undress +uniform, which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but +still how great, how grand, he is! What a happy mixture of ease +and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries +that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more ado about it than +if it were a silk umbrella! The lion is sleeping: only think if +an enemy were in sight, how soon he'd whip it out of the scabbard, +and what a terrible fellow he would be! + +But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter; +and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, +arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron +heels on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise, +which should cause all peaceful men to quail at heart. They stop +to talk. See how the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak +legs-he who has his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of +his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians who linger to look +upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates his head in +the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the third +stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands behind +him. Well may we inquire-not in familiar jest, but in respectful +earnest-if you call that nothing. Oh! if some encroaching foreign +power-the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of those deep +fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen as they move +on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn't he +tremble a little! + +And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by +command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison- +what a splendid sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their +country look round the house as if in mute assurance to the +audience, that they may make themselves comfortable regarding any +foreign invasion, for they (the military young gentlemen) are +keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for anything. And what a +contrast between them, and that stage-box full of grey-headed +officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have nothing +at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who-but for +an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and bearing- +might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they take the +pains to announce to the contrary! + +Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed +young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises +them too, only he doesn't care to show it just now. Very well done +indeed! He talks louder to the little group of military young +gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies +in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces +may undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have +subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the +female portion of the audience. Oh! a gentleman in the same box +looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an +impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his +friends at once, and hurries away to them with the most charming +cordiality. + +Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, +receive the military young gentleman with great warmth and +politeness, and in five minutes afterwards the military young +gentleman, stimulated by the mamma, introduces the two other +military young gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morning, +who take their seats behind the young ladies and commence +conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a +rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young +gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment +three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole +world. + + + +THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +Once upon a time-NOT in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a +more recent period of our history-it was customary to banish +politics when ladies were present. If this usage still prevailed, +we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen, for +ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a +political young gentleman was. But as this good custom in common +with many others has 'gone out,' and left no word when it is likely +to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means rare, +and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are +bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to +neglect this natural division of our subject. + +If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and +there ARE political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he +is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles +communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, +so the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists +his mental vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party +feeling. The political young gentleman would as soon think of +being struck with the beauty of a young lady in the opposite +interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister to the opposite +member. + +If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually +some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very +clearly explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, +and not to be very easily got over by the other side. He has also +some choice sentences regarding church and state, culled from the +banners in use at the last election, with which he intersperses his +conversation at intervals with surprising effect. But his great +topic is the constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour +together, with much heat and fury; not that he has any particular +information on the subject, but because he knows that the +constitution is somehow church and state, and church and state +somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on the other side +say it isn't, which is quite a sufficient reason for him to say it +is, and to stick to it. + +Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people. If a +fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are +broken, and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the +newspaper with a triumphant air, and exclaims, 'Here's your +precious people!' If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at +race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the young gentleman +looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the conduct of the +people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play and the +afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries 'No' and 'Shame' till he +is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular +moderation NOW; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for +him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells +upon it with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never +fails to do, the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they +head, cheer with great violence against THE OTHER PEOPLE, with +whom, of course, they have no possible connexion. In much the same +manner the audience at a theatre never fail to be highly amused +with any jokes at the expense of the public-always laughing +heartily at some other public, and never at themselves. + +If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very +profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions +to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and +logical deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, +too, which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant +company, having many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary +principle and various cheerful disquisitions connected with the +population of the country, the position of Great Britain in the +scale of nations, and the balance of power. Then he is exceedingly +well versed in all doctrines of political economy as laid down in +the newspapers, and knows a great many parliamentary speeches by +heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, none of them +exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the +toughest question and leave you nothing to say. He gives all the +young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest +woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. +Hawkins the new member, says he's very well for a representative, +all things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, +and he is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him +down on his knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates. At +this, the young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a +Member of Parliament is not to be brought upon his knees so easily; +in reply to which the political young gentleman smiles sternly, and +throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of that day, +when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required to +render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young +ladies utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity, +while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than +blasphemous. + +It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political +young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question +across a dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were +admitted to Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not +convey small chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately +set about chipping all the noses off the statues; or whether, if +they once got into the Tower for a shilling, they would not insist +upon trying the crown on their own heads, and loading and firing +off all the small arms in the armoury, to the great discomposure of +Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon these, and many other momentous +questions which agitate the public mind in these desperate days, +they will discourse with great vehemence and irritation for a +considerable time together, both leaving off precisely where they +began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the better of +the other. + +In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political +young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political +allusion, or anything which can be tortured or construed into being +one; when, thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for +their favourite discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth +and nail. They have recently had many favourable opportunities of +opening in churches, but as there the clergyman has it all his own +way, and must not be contradicted, whatever politics he preaches, +they are fain to hold their tongues until they reach the outer +door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the effort. + +As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties +concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and +discontinue them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the +ladies have our advice to discountenance such talkers altogether. + + + +THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon. +We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this +place, he will answer our purpose without another word of comment. + +Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his +mother, just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles +from St. Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the +weather is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly +folded up in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over +his mouth when he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near- +sighted, he carries spectacles for particular occasions, and has a +weakish tremulous voice, of which he makes great use, for he talks +as much as any old lady breathing. + +The two chief subjects of Felix's discourse, are himself and his +mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and +interesting persons. As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in +body, so Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit. +If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply +with a long and minute bulletin of his mother's state of health; +and the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a +circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and +coughed once after being out in the rain the other night, but +having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a +flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly +than by this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the +next morning, and enabled to go to business as usual. + +Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he +has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there +is one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who +wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the +play, upon which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his +mother thought would have crushed him to the earth, but which did +not crush him quite, for he continued to demand another sixpence, +notwithstanding that Felix took out his pocket-book, and, with the +aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare in print, which the +coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the street-door with a +slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then, roused to the +most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a double +knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with +uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and +running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at +the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon +says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling. +She never will forget his fury that night, Never! + +To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally +looking at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has +made an end of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for +three weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; +whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to +know what he would have done to him if he HAD seen him, at which +Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right fist, she exclaims, +'Goodness gracious!' with a distracted air, and insists upon +extorting a promise that he never will on any account do anything +so rash, which her dutiful son-it being something more than three +years since the offence was committed-reluctantly concedes, and his +mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that his +spirit will lead him into something violent yet. The discourse +then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows +within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes +eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used +to sit up till two o'clock in the morning reading French, and how +his mother used to say, 'Felix, you will make yourself ill, I know +you will;' and how HE used to say, 'Mother, I don't care-I will do +it;' and how at last his mother privately procured a doctor to come +and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse, that if he +had gone on reading one night more-only one night more-he must have +put a blister on each temple, and another between his shoulders; +and who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and writing a +prescription for a blue pill, said it must be taken immediately, or +he wouldn't answer for the consequences. The recital of these and +many other moving perils of the like nature, constantly harrows up +the feelings of Mr. Nixon's friends. + +Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance, +being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the +unmarried girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues +of her son, hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins +him, but that they must mind their P's and Q's, for he is very +particular, and terribly severe upon young ladies. At this last +caution the young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be +spending the evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before +their mouths, and are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix +knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the +fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in the back +parlour that he needn't mind coming in in his slippers, for there +are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite +sure they will excuse HIM, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she +adds, in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with +Felix, at which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss +Thompson in particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix +coming in, very faint for want of his tea, changes the subject of +discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey +not to be so foolish. Here they all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon +says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the proceedings, +Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the grateful +herb that 'cheers but not inebriates,' removes his cup from his +countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are; +whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not +to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies, +and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly +indeed, is perfectly satisfied. + +Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix +insists upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it +on a card. This process having been performed to the satisfaction +of all parties, he brings down his flute in compliance with a +request from the youngest Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of +a very small music-book till supper-time, when he is very facetious +and talkative indeed. Finally, after half a tumblerful of warm +sherry and water, he gallantly puts on his goloshes over his +slippers, and telling Miss Thompson's servant to run on first and +get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house, five doors +off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one stopping to +peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back again, +when they call out 'Very well, Mr. Felix,' and trip into the +passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever +played. + +Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little +priggish about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all +their peculiar corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed +all his female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long +ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor. He is a favourite +with them however, in a certain way, as an honest, inoffensive, +kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities harm nobody, not +even himself, we are induced to hope that many who are not +personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his +behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his +harmless existence. + + + +THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society, +upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning +over of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the +above appellation. Young ladies mildly call him a 'sarcastic' +young gentleman, or a 'severe' young gentleman. We, who know +better, beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a +censorious young gentleman, and nothing else. + +The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his +familiars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by +receiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a +dubious sneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of +anything you please but good-humour. This sets people about +thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman means, and +they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something very +deep indeed; for they reason in this way-'This young gentleman +looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as I am by +no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must have +if I can't find it out!' It is extraordinary how soon a censorious +young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small circle if he +bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings accordingly. + +As young ladies are generally-not curious, but laudably desirous to +acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked +about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him. 'I +wonder,' exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down her work +to turn up the lamp, 'I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will ever be +married.' 'Bless me, dear,' cries Miss Marshall, 'what ever made +you think of him?' 'Really I hardly know,' replies Miss Greenwood; +'he is such a very mysterious person, that I often wonder about +him.' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' replies Miss Marshall, 'and +so do I.' Here two other young ladies profess that they are +constantly doing the like, and all present appear in the same +condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that +she considers Mr. Fairfax 'a horror,' draws down all the opposition +of the others, which having been expressed in a great many +ejaculatory passages, such as 'Well, did I ever!'-and 'Lor, Emily, +dear!' ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she must +say she does not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but +rather takes him to be a young man of very great ability; 'and I am +quite sure,' adds the worthy lady, 'he always means a great deal +more than he says.' + +The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all +people alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has +been the subject of conversation! 'Well, it really is curious,' +cries ma, 'we were at that very moment talking about you.' 'You +did me great honour,' replies Mr. Fairfax; 'may I venture to ask +what you were saying?' 'Why, if you must know,' returns the eldest +girl, 'we were remarking what a very mysterious man you are.' 'Ay, +ay!' observes Mr. Fairfax, 'Indeed!' Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay, +ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves, with +so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very +equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever +convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very +dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, +which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young +gentleman is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, 'Oh, +dear, no,' in a tone, obviously intended to mean, 'You have me +there,' and which gives them to understand that they have hit the +right nail on the very centre of its head. + +When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the +censorious young gentleman's behaviour, to the general topics of +the day, he sustains his character to admiration. He considers the +new tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us-well, +no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he would +rather not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he +would be. 'But is not Mr. So-and-so's performance truly charming?' +inquires a young lady. 'Charming!' replies the censorious young +gentleman. 'Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very charming-oh, very +charming indeed.' After this, he stirs the fire, smiling +contemptuously all the while: and a modest young gentleman, who +has been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it must be, +to have such a critical judgment. Of music, pictures, books, and +poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine +conception. As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a +glance. 'Now let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,' says +some great believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, 'but don't be too +severe.' 'I never am severe,' replies the censorious young +gentleman. 'Well, never mind that now. She is very lady-like, is +she not?' 'Lady-like!' repeats the censorious young gentleman (for +he always repeats when he is at a loss for anything to say). 'Did +you observe her manner? Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, +did you observe her manner?-that's all I ask.' 'I thought I had +done so,' rejoins the poor lady, much perplexed; 'I did not observe +it very closely perhaps.' 'Oh, not very closely,' rejoins the +censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. 'Very good; then _I_ +did. Let us talk no more about her.' The censorious young +gentleman purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely, as he says +this; and it is forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, +though he is a little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very +excellent judge) has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. +Barker's manner. + + + +THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny +young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and +behaviour of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened +to meet at an annual family Christmas party in the course of this +very last Christmas that ever came. + +We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly +as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily-for, +being an old-fashioned party, there WAS an urn, and a teapot +besides-when there came a postman's knock at the door, so violent +and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually caused +two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies to +scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and +distress, until they had been several times assured by their +respective adorers, that they were in no danger. We were about to +remark that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a +runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with +wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and +offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins. +He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company and +all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as +if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave +vent to various exclamations of-To be sure it must be Griggins, and +How like him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with many +other commendatory remarks of the like nature. + +Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely +desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a +stout gentleman with a powdered head, who was sitting with his +breeches buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit +of the first water, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being +announced, presented himself, amidst another shout of laughter and +a loud clapping of hands from the younger branches. This welcome +he acknowledged by sundry contortions of countenance, imitative of +the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which were so extremely +successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in a +paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if somebody +didn't make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death +of him, he knew. At this the company only laughed more +boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our +tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which +we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, 'Oh! +capital, capital!' as loud as any of them. + +When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received +the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through +the needful introductions with much ease and many puns. This +ceremony over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody's lap +unless the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being +done, after a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed +himself among them, and likened his condition to that of love among +the roses. At this novel jest we all roared once more. 'You +should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,' said we. 'Sir,' +replied Mr. Griggins, 'you do me proud.' Here everybody laughed +again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear +that Griggins was making a dead set at us. + +The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round +game, and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, +abstracting other people's fish, and looking over their hands in +the most comical manner. He made one most excellent joke in +snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor less than setting +fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and +afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour. As the +young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in +consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go +off quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young +gentleman was heard to murmur some general references to +'impertinence,' and a 'rascal,' and to state the number of his +lodgings in an angry tone-a turn of the conversation which might +have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a young lady, +betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate +influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring +in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but +audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she +never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that +she must always regard him. At this terrible threat the young +gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the +revulsion of feeling, instantaneously fainted. + +Mr. Griggins's spirits were slightly depressed for a short period +by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but +being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several +glasses of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious +than before, insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred +to, assured us that although he had known him since he was THAT +high (something smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld +him in such excellent cue. + +When the round game and several games at blind man's buff which +followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the +inexhaustible Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from +his waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the +assembled females, which occasioned great commotion and much +excitement. We observed that several young gentlemen-including the +young gentleman with the pale countenance-were greatly scandalised +at this indecorous proceeding, and talked very big among themselves +in corners; and we observed too, that several young ladies when +remonstrated with by the aforesaid young gentlemen, called each +other to witness how they had struggled, and protested vehemently +that it was very rude, and that they were surprised at Mrs. Brown's +allowing it, and that they couldn't bear it, and had no patience +with such impertinence. But such is the gentle and forgiving +nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly for it, we +could not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent +treatment of Mr. Griggins. Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us +that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than before! + +To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill +such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside +cover. How he drank out of other people's glasses, and ate of +other people's bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions +a little boy who was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by +sinking below the table and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; +how the hostess was really surprised that anybody could find a +pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host frowned at the +hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it with the +very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how +everybody's good-humour was restored but the child's;-to tell these +and a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more of +our room and our readers' patience, than either they or we can +conveniently spare. Therefore we change the subject, merely +observing that we have offered no description of the funny young +gentleman's personal appearance, believing that almost every +society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers to +supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances of +their particular case. + + + +THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +All gentlemen who love the drama-and there are few gentlemen who +are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our +amusements-do not come within this definition. As we have no mean +relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are +disinterestedly anxious that this should be perfectly understood. + +The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information +on all theatrical topics. 'Well,' says he, abruptly, when you meet +him in the street, 'here's a pretty to-do. Flimkins has thrown up +his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.'-'And what's to be done?' +you inquire with as much gravity as you can counterfeit. 'Ah, +that's the point,' replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking +very serious; 'Boozle declines it; positively declines it. From +all I am told, I should say it was decidedly in Boozle's line, and +that he would be very likely to make a great hit in it; but he +objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put up in the part +first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take the +character. It's a fine part, too-excellent business, I'm told. He +has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight +over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as +can be. Don't mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he +is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, +will be the greatest thing that has been done these many years.' +With this piece of news, and laying his finger on his lips as a +caution for you not to excite the town with it, the theatrical +young gentleman hurries away. + +The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the +different theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for +them all. Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, +the Victoria the vic, and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, too, are +always designated by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, +Faucit, Honey; that talented and lady-like girl Sheriff, that +clever little creature Horton, and so on. In the same manner he +prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors, as Charley Young, +Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford. When he is at a loss +for a Christian name, the word 'old' applied indiscriminately +answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews at Vestris's, old +Harley, and old Braham. He has a great knowledge of the private +proceedings of actresses, especially of their getting married, and +can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names +without avowing it. Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in +the playbills, he will remind you that he let you into the secret +six months ago. + +The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that +is connected with the stage department of the different theatres. +He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way, +to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks +with a curious and searching eye. If he can only identify a +popular actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of +delight; and no sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a +few paces in front of him, so that he can turn round from time to +time, and have a good stare at his features. He looks upon a +theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities +ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and +see so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the +highest gratifications the world can bestow. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at +one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all +pieces which display the fullest resources of the establishment. +He likes to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he +goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of +enthusiasm, as not only to believe (if the bills say so) that there +are three hundred and seventy-five people on the stage at one time +in the last scene, but is highly indignant with you, unless you +believe it also. He considers that if the stage be opened from the +foot-lights to the back wall, in any new play, the piece is a +triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds accordingly. He has a +great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any character going down +or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or a demon- +they both do it occasionally) one of the most interesting feats in +the whole range of scenic illusion. + +Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to +communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors, +which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to +his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus +he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous +livery waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, +to administer half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came +off, without which assistance he must infallibly have fainted. He +knows for a fact, that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett +is put between two feather beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is +credibly informed, that Mr. Baker has, for many years, submitted to +a course of lukewarm toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his +favourite characters. He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal +dramatic genius and poet of the day; but holds that there are great +writers extant besides him,-in proof whereof he refers you to +various dramas and melodramas recently produced, of which he takes +in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as they +appear. + +The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of +emotion and redundancy of action. If a father has to curse a child +upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going +style, with no mistake about it: to which end it is essential that +the child should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked +violently over on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a +small cottage, and shuts the door behind him. He likes to see a +blessing invoked upon the young lady, when the old gentleman +repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the usual +conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking +anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and +then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young +lady's head-soft music playing all the while. Upon these, and +other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a +great critic indeed. He is likewise very acute in judging of +natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely the frown, +wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or the means +by which it may be converted into any other: as jealousy, with a +good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with the +hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is +passionate love. If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy +of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman +assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in +that way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this +time of day to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply +that you suppose not. + +There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the +theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies +whom he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we +have no space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest +content with calling the attention of the young ladies in general +to the theatrical young gentlemen of their own acquaintance. + + + +THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic +raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the +influence of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down +their shirt collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets +with bare throats and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an +astonished public. These were poetical young gentlemen. The +custom was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the +necessity of too much clean linen and too large washing bills, and +these outward symptoms have consequently passed away; but we are +disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of poetical +young gentlemen is considerably on the increase. + +We know a poetical young gentleman-a very poetical young gentleman. +We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in +any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and +melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction +of soul: he seldom has his hair cut, and often talks about being +an outcast and wanting a kindred spirit; from which, as well as +from many general observations in which he is wont to indulge, +concerning mysterious impulses, and yearnings of the heart, and the +supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly things with the glowing +magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all his friends that he has +been stricken poetical. + +The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging +on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt +upright in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the +opposite wall. When he is in one of these positions, his mother, +who is a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to +bespeak your attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and +whisper with a shake of the head, that John's imagination is at +some extraordinary work or other, you may take her word for it. +Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, +and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three +words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once +or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon his +head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory. + +The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of +things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical +obliquity of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted. For +instance, when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched +woman was affording delicious food wherewithal to gorge the +insatiable curiosity of the public, our friend the poetical young +gentleman was in ecstasies-not of disgust, but admiration. +'Heavens!' cried the poetical young gentleman, 'how grand; how +great!' We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these +epithets were bestowed: our humble thoughts oscillating between +the police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who +found the head. 'Upon whom!' exclaimed the poetical young +gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, 'Upon whom should they be bestowed +but upon the murderer!'-and thereupon it came out, in a fine +torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a bold +creature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart and +determined courage, and withal a great casuist and able reasoner, +as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies with the +great and noble of the land. We held our peace, and meekly +signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions-firstly, +because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young +gentleman; and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use +our entering into any disputation, if we were: being perfectly +convinced that the respectable and immoral hero in question is not +the first and will not be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false +sympathy or diseased curiosity will be plentifully expended. + +This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman. In +his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his +neckcloth, and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a +Lady's Magazine, or the 'Poets' Corner' of some country newspaper; +or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the +rainbow leaves of a lady's album. These are generally written upon +some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by +midnight, or beholding Saint Paul's in a snow-storm; and when these +gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his +soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that +he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up. + +The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his +favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school. +He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given +to opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, +that there is nothing in it worth living for. He gives you to +understand, however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear +his part in the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification +of his own strong desire to make a premature exit; and consoles +himself with the reflection, that immortality has some chosen nook +for himself and the other great spirits whom earth has chafed and +wearied. + +When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are +all superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, +noblest, mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, +vilest, and most pitiful. He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is +the soul of poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young +gentleman? 'Mr. Milkwash,' says a young lady as she unlocks her +album to receive the young gentleman's original impromptu +contribution, 'how very silent you are! I think you must be in +love.' 'Love!' cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from +his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at +full speed, 'Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of +the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart. Love! The withering, +blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted. Love +did you say! Ha! ha! ha!' + +With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging +only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits +down, pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the +biting, semi-atheistical demoniac style, which, like the poetical +young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury, signifying +nothing. + + + +THE 'THROWING-OFF' YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +There is a certain kind of impostor-a bragging, vaunting, puffing +young gentleman-against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer +part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our +labours. And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress +upon this division of our subject, by a little dialogue we held +some short time ago, with an esteemed young lady of our +acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen of this class of men. +We had been urging all the absurdities of his conduct and +conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he constantly +recounted-to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a certain +hard little word of one syllable and three letters-when our fair +friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly +cried, 'Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then-' +What then? Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she did, but +not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have +been better if she had done so at first. + +The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of +vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with +some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this +description of themselves. The deceased grandfather of the +throwing-off young gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and +untold wealth; the throwing-off young gentleman remembers, as well +as if it were only yesterday, the deceased baronet's library, with +its long rows of scarce and valuable books in superbly embossed +bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the lofty ceiling to the +oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble +old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect of hill +and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting +stables and the spacious court-yards, 'and-and-everything upon the +same magnificent scale,' says the throwing-off young gentleman, +'princely; quite princely. Ah!' And he sighs as if mourning over +the fallen fortunes of his noble house. + +The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking, +running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all +games of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, +driving, or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him-that is COULD +not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there +should be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite +out of practice just now, and has been for some years. If you +mention any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in his +hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, smiles, and begs +you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary: people do say +indeed that they were once engaged, but no-although she is a very +fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn't +possibly encourage the-'but it's of no use talking about it!' he +adds, interrupting himself. 'She has got over it now, and I firmly +hope and trust is happy.' With this benevolent aspiration he nods +his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of +some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to change the +subject. + +There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young +gentleman, which is, that he 'happens to be acquainted' with a most +extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus in +all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has +no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be +acquainted with some distant person, intimately connected with the +subject, whose testimony decides the point against you, to the +great-may we say it-to the great admiration of three young ladies +out of every four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a +very highly-connected young man, and a most charming person. + +Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon +a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the +evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and +summit of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means +shines to equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society +of over-credulous young ladies, which is his proper element. It is +delightful to hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off +young gentleman gives utterance to, during tea, and still more so +to observe the ease with which, from long practice and study, he +delicately blends one compliment to a lady with two for himself. +'Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this flower, Mr. +Caveton?' asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather smitten +with the throwing-off young gentleman. 'Never,' he replies, +bending over the object of admiration, 'never but in your eyes.' +'Oh, Mr. Caveton,' cries the young lady, blushing of course. +'Indeed I speak the truth,' replies the throwing-off young +gentleman, 'I never saw any approach to them. I used to think my +cousin's blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside +yours.' 'Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!' replies the young +lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing +characteristic of all young ladies; 'an affair, of course.' 'No; +indeed, indeed you wrong me,' rejoins the throwing-off young +gentleman with great energy. 'I fervently hope that her attachment +towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close +intimacy in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new +faces she may soon overcome it. _I_ love her! Think not so meanly +of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, +riches, and beauty, can influence MY choice. The heart, the heart, +Miss Lowfield.' Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks his +voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims +to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their +bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton's relations are all immensely rich, +and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and +beauty. + +We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain +knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to +recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar +when he had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an +instrument within a mile of the house. + +We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking +a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by +dint of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of +wondering listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly +unable to sing out of tune, let him try as he would. We have lived +to witness the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman, +who went out a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and +tassel, and who, after passing successfully for a captain and being +lauded to the skies for his red whiskers, his bravery, his +soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to be the dishonest son +of an honest linen-draper in a small country town, and whom, if it +were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet despair of +encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress. +Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often +swindlers, and always fools. So pray you avoid them. + + + +THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + + +This young gentleman has several titles. Some young ladies +consider him 'a nice young man,' others 'a fine young man,' others +'quite a lady's man,' others 'a handsome man,' others 'a remarkably +good-looking young man.' With some young ladies he is 'a perfect +angel,' and with others 'quite a love.' He is likewise a charming +creature, a duck, and a dear. + +The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and +very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on +every possible opportunity. He has brown or black hair, and +whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or +the hue which is vulgarly known as SANDY, is not considered an +objection. If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and +his figure square, he is an uncommonly fine young man, and +worshipped accordingly. Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, +so much the better, though this is not absolutely insisted on; but +he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile constantly. + +There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours +last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we hold that such +wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the +smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably +have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that +the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such +occasions by a choice sample of the young ladies' young gentleman, +whom we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting. This +determined us, and we went. + +We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a +trifling company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging +to the projectors on the box-and to start from the residence of the +projectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten +precisely. We arrived at the place of rendezvous at the appointed +time, and found the glass coaches and the little boys quite ready, +and divers young ladies and young gentlemen looking anxiously over +the breakfast-parlour blinds, who appeared by no means so much +gratified by our approach as we might have expected, but evidently +wished we had been somebody else. Observing that our arrival in +lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we ventured to +inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty reply of +a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies' young +gentleman. + +'I cannot imagine,' said the mamma, 'what has become of Mr. Balim- +always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable. I am sure I +can-NOT think.' As these last words were uttered in that measured, +emphatic manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not +quite made up his or her mind what to say, but is determined to +talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took up the subject, and +hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a +general chorus of 'Dear Mr. Balim!' and one young lady, more +adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express should be +straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim's lodgings. This, however, the +papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short young lady +behind us termed 'quite a bearish way,' that if Mr. Balim didn't +choose to come, he might stop at home. At this all the daughters +raised a murmur of 'Oh pa!' except one sprightly little girl of +eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the +discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married +that morning-for which impertinent suggestion she was summarily +ejected from the room by her eldest sister. + +We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when +one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little +boys usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in +the holidays, and keep their hands constantly forced down to the +bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they take exercise, +joyfully announced that Mr. Balim was at that moment coming up the +street in a hackney-cab; and the intelligence was confirmed beyond +all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of Mr. Balim himself, +who was received with repeated cries of 'Where have you been, you +naughty creature?' whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he +had been in bed, in consequence of a late party the night before, +and had only just risen. The acknowledgment awakened a variety of +agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which appearing +after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the case, +breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr. +Balim's repeated protestations that he couldn't think of it. He +did think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a +remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a +select knot of young ladies. It was quite delightful to see how he +ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee, +and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the +company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches, and +the glass coaches,-and the little boys looking on in an agony of +apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it +might have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back +again, and welcome, for aught they cared. + +However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being +accommodated with a hamper between his legs something larger than a +wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as they +possibly could in the carriages, 'according,' as one married lady +observed, 'to the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion +of gipsy parties.' Thinking it very likely it might be (we have +never been able to discover the other half), we submitted to be +stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate enough to +occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four young +ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies' young +gentleman. + +We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies' young +gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady +to inquire whether he had danced to that the night before. 'By +Heaven, then, I did,' replied the young gentleman, 'and with a +lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.' +'You seem rather struck,' observed another young lady. ''Gad she +was a sweet creature,' returned the young gentleman, arranging his +hair. 'Of course SHE was struck too?' inquired the first young +lady. 'How can you ask, love?' interposed the second; 'could she +fail to be?' 'Well, honestly I think she was,' observed the young +gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young lady who had +spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman's right, struck +him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a vain +man-whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud, +and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a +charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young +gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish +over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled +sweetly upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; +the young gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting +discussion took place upon the important point whether the young +gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeable conversation +of a light kind, lasted a considerable time. At length, a short +silence occurring, the young ladies on either side of the young +gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; and the young gentleman, +winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair of gloves from +each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness and to +scream very loud. The lively conversation to which this pleasantry +gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would have +eked out a much longer one. + +We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such +circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw +and the bread. The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which +they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to +inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very +fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got +exceedingly drunk at a respectful distance. + +We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he +flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of +young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from +their plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly +captivating from its excessive playfulness. His conversation, too, +was exceedingly brilliant. In fact, one elderly lady assured us, +that in the course of a little lively badinage on the subject of +ladies' dresses, he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been +born and bred a milliner. + +As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after +dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away +alone into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. +Balim, the greater part of the young people having dropped off in +twos and threes and the young ladies' young gentleman among them. +Nor were we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping +through the trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a +pleasant thing to contemplate his greatness. + +The young ladies' young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at +the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was +so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty +spoils, that he looked like a lamb-or perhaps a calf would be a +better simile-adorned for the sacrifice. One young lady supported +a parasol over his interesting head, another held his hat, and a +third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown off; +the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and his +face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, was +warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise of +female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we burst +into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty retreat. + +What charming fellows these young ladies' young gentlemen are! +Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express +their merit. They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, +nice men. + + + +CONCLUSION + + + +As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of +young gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume +given them to understand how much we reverence and admire their +numerous virtues and perfections; as we have given them such strong +reasons to treat us with confidence, and to banish, in our case, +all that reserve and distrust of the male sex which, as a point of +general behaviour, they cannot do better than preserve and +maintain-we say, as we have done all this, we feel that now, when +we have arrived at the close of our task, they may naturally press +upon us the inquiry, what particular description of young gentlemen +we can conscientiously recommend. + +Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neither +recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young +gentleman, nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military +young gentleman, nor the political young gentleman, nor the +domestic young gentleman, nor the censorious young gentleman, nor +the funny young gentleman, nor the theatrical young gentleman, nor +the poetical young gentleman, nor the throwing-off young gentleman, +nor the young ladies' young gentleman. + +As there are some good points about many of them, which still are +not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as +a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for +a young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, +and the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the +hymeneal altar, whether he will or no. And to the young lady who +secures him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial +advice, selected from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to +be found in a letter written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her +marriage. + +'The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the +esteem of your husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer +him to ESTEEM you against his judgment; and although he is not +capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing +indifferent and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the +loss of youth and beauty with more durable qualities. You have but +a very few years to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; +and as few months to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a +fool; for I hope you do not still dream of charms and raptures, +which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to.' + +From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the +fortunate lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the +young gentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other +than ourself. Without in any way committing ourself upon this +point, we have merely to observe, that we are ready to receive +sealed offers containing a full specification of age, temper, +appearance, and condition; but we beg it to be distinctly +understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest +bidder. + +These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman +and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other +testimonials of approbation from the young ladies generally, are +respectfully requested to be addressed. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN *** + +This file should be named skygm10.txt or skygm10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, skygm11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, skygm10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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