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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
+
+
+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Posting Date: August 23, 2010 [EBook #8387]
+Release Date: June, 2005
+First Posted: July 6, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantic movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It
+was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the
+stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old
+numbers of the _Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice
+from the Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an
+inflated advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to
+think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat
+hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken
+to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had
+kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had
+favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from
+some newspaper or other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements
+near the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of
+"winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That
+occupied me for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I
+got up and put on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a
+view of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins
+of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I
+leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open
+space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of
+the year, when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us.
+The ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room,
+the floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it,
+seemed like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening
+to the door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night
+to dry them a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert
+myself with was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in
+the evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned
+up through the floor and from out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_
+near the door was rent in strips a span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail
+me aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I
+could not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There
+was always something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist
+in the Fire Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some
+half-hundred men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength
+and bravery, whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the
+applicants, felt their arms, and put one question or another to them.
+Me, he passed by, merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on
+account of my sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there
+with knitted brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man
+passed me by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than
+all, I could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a
+respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards
+or parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers,
+I had thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous
+subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain;
+in despair I had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long
+hours of intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was
+finished I set to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the
+editors' "no." I used to tell myself constantly that some day I was
+bound to succeed; and really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and
+made a hit with something, I could get five shillings for an
+afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I
+stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract my
+landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had fallen
+due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the
+pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous
+traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and
+more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely
+take a morning walk in the open air. What had the air to do with my
+lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A
+sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took
+possession of me. I fell to observing the people I met and who passed
+me, to reading the placards on the wall, noted even the impression of a
+glance thrown at me from a passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each
+trifling incident that crossed or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense
+of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became
+ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner.
+As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front
+of her head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last
+few days that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The
+long yellow snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum,
+and her gaze was still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I
+immediately lost all appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me.
+When I reached the market-place I went to the fountain and drank a
+little. I looked up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself
+about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a
+side street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go,
+wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to
+and fro amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright
+and my mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried
+a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength
+in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted
+from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his
+bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in
+Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he
+in such a hurry? I had not the slightest intention of asking him for a
+shilling, and, more than that, I intended at the very first opportunity
+to return him a blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden
+to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article
+I felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to
+draw from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable
+place to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my
+article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead
+of me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in
+front of me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless;
+perhaps he had made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I
+had, and I must needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my
+irritation it seemed to me that he slackened his pace a little at every
+cross street, as if waiting to see which direction I intended to take,
+upon which he would again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with
+all his might to keep ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome
+creature and get more and more exasperated with him, I am conscious
+that he has, little by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the
+pure, beautiful morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks
+like a great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a
+place in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we
+reached the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an opportunity
+of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some minutes, I again
+walked on there was the man still in front of me--he too had stood
+stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or four furious
+onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For
+milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know
+how much you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, minutes
+and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the
+waistcoat on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to
+be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he
+standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined
+the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did
+the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not
+as good as begun to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I
+had no fear whatever for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What
+on earth business was it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a
+drink on such a lovely day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my
+mind to give him a good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back
+my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at
+a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came
+to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed
+me back the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him,
+told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for
+nothing? If all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had
+just recollected an old debt; he was standing before an honest man,
+honourable to his finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no
+thanks were needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I
+could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped
+before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and
+I decided to go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on
+to the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a
+square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me
+that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could
+no longer be satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple
+and straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might
+arrive at, ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much
+greater effort than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome
+difficulties, and I decided on a treatise, in three sections, on
+"Philosophical Cognition." This would, naturally, give me an
+opportunity of crushing pitiably some of Kant's sophistries ... but, on
+taking out my writing materials to commence work, I discovered that I
+no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My
+pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me
+today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of
+turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near
+the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators;
+otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a
+thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a
+maniac. How strangely awry things seemed to go! To think that an
+article in three sections should be downright stranded by the simple
+fact of my not having a pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I
+were to return to Pyle Street and ask to get my pencil back? There
+would be still time to get a good piece finished before the promenading
+public commenced to fill the parks. So much, too, depended on this
+treatise on "Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings'
+welfare, no one could say; and I told myself it might be of the
+greatest possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I
+would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I
+would only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I
+came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in
+the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day;
+it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant
+hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my
+pencil from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I
+passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I
+looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and,
+becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe
+at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking
+thought of her own. Or can it be because I touched her arm? Her high,
+full bosom heaves violently several times, and she closes her hand
+tightly above the handle of her parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil
+incident, and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on
+a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically
+inspired, take a singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd
+desire to make this lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some
+way. I overtake her again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet
+her face-to-face in order to observe her well. I stand and gaze into
+her eyes, and hit, on the spur of the moment, on a name which I have
+never heard before--a name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When
+she is quite close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly
+as I said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to
+stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired
+with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me.
+I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing
+the fool. I made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and
+coughed frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very
+slowly, and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back,
+and involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her
+annoyance. By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far,
+far away in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not
+I who was going along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already
+stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and
+repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it
+is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity
+in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a
+book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her
+hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts
+her sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what
+book it is I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one,
+now another expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the
+very buttons on her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened
+eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm.
+"He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without
+my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street
+towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a
+very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window
+opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with
+her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on the outside.
+Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted.
+Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were
+suddenly surrounded by a strong light. The ladies before me had each a
+blue bird's wing in their hats, and a plaid silk ribbon round their
+necks. It struck me that they were sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I
+stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they
+had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street
+and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their
+heels as I dared to be. They turned round once, and sent me a
+half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw no resentment nor any
+trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me
+lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer
+gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them
+until they entered some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before
+going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened
+for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor.
+I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then
+something odd happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second
+after a window opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes
+dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots
+and strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We
+stand and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a
+minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word
+is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock
+through my senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears
+across the floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the
+accentuation in that movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My
+blood was sensible of all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all
+at once rarely glad. Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window.
+The more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I
+became. Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely
+all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are
+being watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well
+as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my
+gait became unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look
+well. In order to appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms
+about, spat out, and threw my head well back--all without avail, for I
+continually felt the pursuing eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran
+down my back. At length I escaped down a side street, from which I took
+the road to Pyle Street to get my pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets.
+I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with
+him, and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable
+impression on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back
+again to the counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that
+I owed him an explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little.
+I began to hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the
+pencil in my hand, I held it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any
+and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different
+matter; there Was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it
+looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the
+world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come
+right over to the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he
+never heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost
+as much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort
+of man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the
+door with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in
+a high position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed
+twice profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I
+heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I
+recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door
+with his knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began
+to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann
+Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself
+look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances who had
+taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to gaze at the
+passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads,
+and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no
+sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not
+even a clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy
+souls. And I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and
+newly-fledged as I was, had already forgotten the very look of
+happiness. I hugged these thoughts to myself as I went on, and found
+that a great injustice had been done me. Why had the last months
+pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed to recognize my own happy
+temperament, and I met with the most singular annoyances from all
+quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or set my foot any
+place without being assailed by insignificant accidents, miserable
+details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered my
+powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and
+occupy me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me?
+But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against
+a man in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more
+and more incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected
+as an experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it,
+a peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans
+in order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat
+and sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me
+from thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began
+I could so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had
+become, as it were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I
+would go. A swarm of tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner
+man and hollowed me out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I
+had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual
+way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was
+oversated, and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The
+people who came and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At
+last my seat was taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk
+loudly together. I got angry and was on the point of addressing them,
+but turned on my heel and went right to the other end of the Park, and
+found another seat. I sat down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a
+place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but
+imploring enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any
+length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my
+head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no
+longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that
+my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and
+more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to
+draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing
+obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight
+mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven
+and told Him so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked
+quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore
+should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may
+array this miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my
+Heavenly Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the
+housetop, and hath He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly
+servitor? The Lord stuck His finger in the net of my nerves
+gently--yea, verily, in desultory fashion--and brought slight disorder
+among the threads. And then the Lord withdrew His finger, and there
+were fibres and delicate root-like filaments adhering to the finger,
+and they were the nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a
+gaping hole after the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my
+brain in the track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His
+finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall
+me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of all
+Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing
+materials to try to write something, and at the same time my book of
+shaving-tickets [Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as
+few men in Norway shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened
+it, and counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks,
+and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a better frame
+of mind on account of this little property which still remained to me.
+I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the book safely into my
+pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me;
+my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself
+together enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder;
+to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend.
+They are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on
+to, set their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or
+stand immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my
+legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet
+notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new
+impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head
+is so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought
+without tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down
+my breast and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot
+makes each time my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet,
+and I experience at this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I
+have never felt before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves,
+as if sparks of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching
+sight of my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a
+part of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a
+feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising towards me.
+"Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched my fists and I
+repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this ridiculous feeling,
+made fun of myself, with a perfect consciousness of doing so, talked
+very severely and sensibly, and closed my eyes very tightly to get rid
+of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their
+looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and
+their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give
+them expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own
+nature had gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost
+of my other I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour.
+A little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted
+phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period,
+maybe a year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my
+memory. I began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an
+old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which
+something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused,
+and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea
+entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of
+its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began to move backwards and
+forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds, dangerous documents
+stolen from some archive or other; something floated before me about a
+secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper
+as every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species
+of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting
+his package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he
+did not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life
+there was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit.
+Just the fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious
+affair distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for
+something to offer the man in order to enter into conversation with
+him, took hold of my shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it
+entered my head to be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty
+breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it
+long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read
+either, not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on
+me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did not
+need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he
+could hear people in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arrière pensée_, and I
+answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What
+number do you live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing
+up, at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is
+your landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of
+the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name
+which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and
+pretended to have heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was
+not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he
+was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man
+is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would
+not have roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down
+from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one
+lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and
+stop his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics
+to be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to
+see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in
+Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister
+of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the
+same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed
+the whole thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his
+daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves,
+and who reclined on a couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest
+creature I had ever seen; I had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her
+match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent
+air, as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a
+kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right
+into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he
+imagine she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was
+simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored
+me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter
+seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or
+other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper
+lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to
+examine it or see what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories
+of my own which floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The
+blood flew to my head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own
+much property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name
+I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every
+huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a
+syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the
+instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against
+this creature whom nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render
+suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all
+that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature
+... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might
+perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently
+and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he
+feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even
+believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your
+match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you?
+Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking
+to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my
+Sunday-best without even a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me
+tell you such treatment as yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and
+I won't endure it, the Lord strike me dead if I will--neither from you
+nor any one else, do you know that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from
+off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short,
+tottering steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink
+at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression
+came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more
+vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the
+creature before he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly
+in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the
+parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was
+calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under
+quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and
+began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten
+cause me any longer any particular distress. I leant against the back
+of the seat in the best of humours, closed my eyes, and got more and
+more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the point of falling asleep, when
+a park-keeper put his hand on my shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way
+or another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to
+me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were
+written by people all too little known to be of much use; besides that,
+constant refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me.
+At all events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the
+rest would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and
+I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only
+now one single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put
+words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long
+piece, without the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write
+this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a
+workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter
+about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me downcast,
+sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to hush everything
+into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have received their first
+warning. Up in the trees and down in the fields the sounds of
+struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring, restless; labouring
+not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole insect world is
+astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads up from the
+turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and then
+collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards,
+and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the
+roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge,
+through their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring
+me straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them,
+and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction.
+It would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my
+brain positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last,
+light, buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping
+vacuum in my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to
+be hollowed out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry
+many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and
+put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands
+in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady
+had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my
+head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again:
+the very next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account
+for myself honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this
+rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to
+flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next
+him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he
+sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but
+the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten
+claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I
+felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing him. He did not
+recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn, and his face did not
+move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to
+read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to
+find one that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of
+hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my
+man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would
+demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or
+perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in
+which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as
+I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request.
+Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret,
+put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst
+the darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be
+difficult now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened
+my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of
+the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had
+down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand
+things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal.
+I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are
+capital. Little by little others come and fit themselves to the
+preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and
+pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in
+me; one word follows another, and they fit themselves together
+harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and
+speeches bubble up in my brain, and a wonderful sense of pleasure
+empowers me. I write as one possessed, and fill page after page,
+without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I
+miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough,
+although I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am
+full of my subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as
+there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of
+bed and dress myself, It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the
+lighthouse director's announcement down near the door, and near the
+window it is already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see
+to write. I set to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have
+written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read.
+My head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and
+I decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door,
+and could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like
+letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of
+it. It was also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common
+enough green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs
+too many on the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner
+was in reality a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest
+sense of humour, one might easily split one's sides with laughter at
+it. It was far too low for a grown man, and besides that, one needed,
+so to speak, the aid of a boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short,
+the room was not adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I
+did not intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I
+had held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and
+re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took
+out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars
+and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home
+bread. I rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white
+writing-paper. Then I ransacked every corner to assure myself that I
+had left nothing behind, and as I could not find anything, went over to
+the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from
+wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I
+stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a
+low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss
+Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly
+the thought of my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed
+of my leaving, so that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal
+with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in
+which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some
+time to come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five
+shillings. I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person
+her roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling
+of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside
+and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt
+and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to
+my yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was
+on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole
+noiselessly down each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no
+glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I
+went as usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was
+half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use
+in going to the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must
+lounge about so long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient
+to raise breakfast. For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed
+hungry that day; those times were over, God be praised! That was a
+thing of the past, an evil dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about
+right under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I
+went on I tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till
+later on. It occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it
+wrapped up in paper; not only would it look better, but I need no
+longer be ashamed of carrying it.
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took
+it; this annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly
+glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common
+in this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with
+the air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He
+held the door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept
+from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy
+crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the
+damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one,
+and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as
+near to them as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living
+to balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors"
+is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On
+being asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to
+suppose that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and
+impress upon his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's
+own hands as soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his
+papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I
+said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried
+their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the
+men looked limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me
+good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly.
+I never cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply,
+in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's
+such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only
+you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his
+cane to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to
+poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor
+I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher"
+embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he
+had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had
+asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a
+lady came by just then, I stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and
+seized the opportunity to proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on
+at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a
+good deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the office,
+took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near the
+Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it
+would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps
+mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security
+had I that it was not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper
+basket?... My confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the
+graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was
+only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor
+before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings;
+the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I
+could have written anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep,
+with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself
+and been happy all through the long morning for nothing!... Of
+course!... I rushed with hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St.
+Han's Hill, until I came to the open fields; on through the narrow
+quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste plots and small tilled fields, and
+found myself at last on a country road, the end of which I could not
+see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met
+two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads,
+and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I
+passed them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me,
+sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I
+got near enough, one of them called out and asked what I had under my
+arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they both
+laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a whip curl
+round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They couldn't let me
+pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my head more or
+less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and continued on my
+way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was past four.
+Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down to the
+town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had been
+there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled against
+folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there
+in time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds,
+and knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open,
+knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his
+face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me,
+shakes his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no
+hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in
+me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter,
+yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council
+in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay,
+triumphantly win ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I
+consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query
+that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where
+I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the
+tides rush and roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to
+the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down
+Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the
+window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the
+box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat
+once more, and begin to consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself
+till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it
+could never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this
+thought with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of
+the little red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find
+myself suddenly transported to a large, double room I once occupied in
+Haegdehaugen. I could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices
+of bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into
+beef--a seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty,
+a silver fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more
+tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I
+would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach
+food, my inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an
+idiosyncrasy of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There
+was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I
+had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was
+no degree of cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up
+in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine
+pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and
+no wind; the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I
+sat was cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and
+I let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by
+now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of
+the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several
+hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible
+to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand
+dumb with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I
+say nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save
+appearances I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten
+something or other, and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt
+as much saved as if I had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried
+away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it
+was horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by
+daylight; there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking
+about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me,
+whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly
+impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods.
+If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more
+and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself
+so long trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored
+with the whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest,
+to resign myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head.
+At a place in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some
+food was displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a
+round French roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal
+in the background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as
+I had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my
+tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it
+seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry.
+I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted
+with the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many
+times before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was
+slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I
+pulled off my shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from
+Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is
+never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it
+began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres
+above. Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and I laughed aloud to
+collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered about in the gloom, only
+to lay down once more. I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that
+it was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for
+town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog,
+my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if
+they could not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkökken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way
+to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food
+for me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and
+was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a
+change, as if something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a
+curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and,
+as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and
+bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did
+it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole
+thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this
+manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either
+how I had made myself deserving of this special persecution; and it
+suddenly entered my head that I might just as well turn rogue at once
+and go to my "Uncle's" with the blanket. I could pawn it for a
+shilling, and get three full meals, and so keep myself going until I
+thought of something else. 'Tis true I would have to swindle Hans
+Pauli. I was already on my way to the pawn-shop, but stopped outside
+the door, shook my head irresolutely, then turned back. The farther
+away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had
+conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure
+and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of
+having principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a
+muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had
+really never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be
+answerable for every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly
+with such a headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket,
+too, that belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the
+right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I
+importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my application?
+Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had
+not even applied personally to him or sought an answer! It did not
+follow, surely, that it must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious
+course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a
+little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to
+him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for
+my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of
+that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with
+spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel
+behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the
+little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of
+sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal
+with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with
+laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a
+want of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes
+in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I
+like your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could
+not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so
+much weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful
+folk on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his
+ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened
+by a blind rage that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally
+in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not
+come. Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of
+one's most earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too,
+had I written 1848? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here
+I was going about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me
+like worms, and it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of
+fate that anything in the shape of food would turn up later on in the
+day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their
+rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other
+men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which
+spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a
+watchful eye on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in
+accordance with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without
+a break in the measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range
+because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an
+unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I
+did not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation
+of the entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision
+as I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why
+should I stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of
+this bell which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her
+head and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful
+bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost
+politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was
+new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has
+advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to
+be irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living
+here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could
+not stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended
+the stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying
+that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower.
+So it had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say
+to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their
+food handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed the
+fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the
+door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any fixed
+purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On
+reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a little, I
+found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside
+the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner
+of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging
+one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop
+window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a
+scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated strangely in my
+temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I
+retched, stopping here and there to escape being noticed in the open
+street. In this manner I came up to Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the
+little gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the
+side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and
+reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him
+the truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me
+now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I
+had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of
+mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Café between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went.
+The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let
+go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I
+could well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by
+the way, I was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied
+it--it was a large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it
+carefully, and folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper,
+together with the tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road
+leading to the Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all
+who went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I
+saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and
+across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my
+breast as I caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a
+greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned
+his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and
+got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got
+it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took
+his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about
+such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were
+moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back.
+"Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was
+already a piece down the street, when he called after me about the
+little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it.
+There are only a few trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the
+world," and I became so touched at my own words, they sounded so
+pathetic in the twilight, that I fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I
+walked, down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with
+myself, and repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation,
+which called forth fresh tears whenever they were on the point of
+ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I
+spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways,
+and when any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops
+where people bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself
+a sheltered place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the
+bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must
+take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an
+endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain
+where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the
+church. I would not in any case worry myself any more about that, and I
+leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about
+the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure
+standing in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a
+policeman, though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little
+attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting
+home now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there
+were eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my
+tread. Down at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet
+everywhere. I could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child
+crying a little. After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted
+the latch as I was accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the
+door noiselessly after me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from
+the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note
+lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might
+never have been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written letters
+of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an
+answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the room again if I
+were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand,
+the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself
+up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the
+stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my
+time with the laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare
+vacantly before me, holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the street. I make straight
+for the light, lean my parcel against the lamp-post and open the
+letter. All this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of light, as it
+were, darts through my breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a
+meaningless sound of joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was
+accepted--had been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked out
+with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street,
+stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at
+nothing in particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But
+whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness
+closed in, and time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted
+all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed
+me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket,
+but not a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a scat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in
+the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading
+through the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering
+head the best thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At
+last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was
+still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds
+flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but
+not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out
+again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I
+selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion
+from--but I made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if
+it were filled with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement.
+The breeze blew it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked
+at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the
+sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick
+fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and
+gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the
+same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that
+he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and
+laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with
+rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog!
+Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's
+hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had
+made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on
+the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole
+night before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes
+quite close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white
+and so full as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum
+of silver money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very
+light; maybe an expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it
+carefully with his big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed,
+slapped my thighs, and laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued
+from my throat; my laughter was hushed and feverish to the intensity of
+tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a
+turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the
+poor policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated
+over and over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he
+coughed as he threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them
+additional point, changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and
+piquant. He coughed once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet
+overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The
+darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue
+sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see outlined against the
+sky, looked with their black hulls like voiceless monsters that
+bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no pain--my hunger had taken the
+edge off it. In its stead I felt pleasantly empty, untouched by
+everything around me, and glad not to be noticed by any one. I put my
+feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I could best appreciate the
+well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not
+a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a
+whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of
+utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a
+sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear
+me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits
+me, greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting
+in a dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses,
+and will stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call
+as I approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land!
+I have waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright
+nights. And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I
+have breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds of
+people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender
+maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all is of
+emerald; and here the sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills
+of perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment
+shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she
+whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room,
+where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman.
+There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling
+was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was
+quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow
+at being still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were
+soaked through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength;
+added to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger
+again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking
+off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little
+brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street;
+and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that
+would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished
+myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran
+on. But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired
+that I did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage;
+besides, my anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up
+and drew breath. Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect
+indifference to me what such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't
+stand everything. Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no
+better. And I found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to
+myself, "He knew no better"; and with that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on
+dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave
+me no rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy
+myself a little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this
+last period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of
+late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some
+manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time with difficulty; not
+long enough for me to be restored to health before a new hunger period
+set in and reduced me again. My back and shoulders caused me the worst
+trouble. I could stop the little gnawing I had in my chest by coughing
+hard, or bending well forward as I walked, but I had no remedy for back
+and shoulders. Whatever was the reason that things would not brighten
+up for me? Was I not just as much entitled to live as any one else? for
+example, as Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two
+shoulders like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I
+not, in sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden
+in order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten bread
+and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little, and starved
+when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a suite of rooms on
+the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a tinker's workshop, a
+loft already forsaken by God and man last winter, because the snow blew
+in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and
+went on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast
+at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye
+were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a café. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not
+even a little coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck
+my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried
+more violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse
+with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly
+home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys?
+Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a
+tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no
+one can open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by
+the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to
+myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask
+the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I
+had been out--in a café ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital
+idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could
+I simply go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with.
+I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and
+blurted it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for
+doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what
+was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but
+I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to
+every and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered
+my head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused
+no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the
+night guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands
+to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright
+cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and
+listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself
+anything better than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased.
+Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet
+over in the wall, I gave myself up to thinking over the minutes of my
+first interview with the police. This was the first time, and how
+hadn't I fooled them? "Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+_Morgenbladet_!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+_Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in the
+Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door-key and a pocket-book with
+a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up to the reserved
+section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I
+lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had
+no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence
+oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and
+tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The
+darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment
+in peace. Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one
+with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition
+has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I
+tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular
+fantasies, listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the
+exertion of striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom,
+and I never in all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no
+doubt that I found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness;
+a desperate element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The
+most ludicrous thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and
+try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach
+right into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not
+hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in
+the street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge
+from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and
+laugh: "That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a
+new word. I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have
+discovered it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign
+God, man, you have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound
+import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular
+jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new
+word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli;
+[Footnote: Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and
+who said that it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands
+fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it was to signify
+cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary
+that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It was not difficult to find a
+meaning for such a word as this. I would wait and see. In the meantime
+I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I
+wax nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and
+again, takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed
+an opinion as to what it should not signify, but had come to no
+conclusion as to what it should signify. "That is quite a matter of
+detail," I said aloud to myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated:
+"That is quite a matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised!
+and that was the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and
+hinder me from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for
+this unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my
+head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have meant
+anything like that I would have decided upon it long since and taken
+the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to signify
+something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it? and
+I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I
+answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found;
+no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh.
+Might I ask why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton,
+when I had a special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had
+discovered the word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within
+my right in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was
+aware, I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever,
+and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I
+got into bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to
+sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for
+some minutes without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk
+violently through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he
+thought to find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I
+wonder if he is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the
+pearly blue sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep?
+The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity
+which my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the
+most despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize
+this darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if
+I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to
+the sea and the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw
+me to them, and clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea,
+through dark realms that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board,
+drawn through waters, hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such
+a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I
+not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden
+frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will
+die!" and I lay for a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"...
+I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I
+was not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my
+brain that I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again,
+I stagger to the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a
+couple of times to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail
+loudly, bite my fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must
+be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore
+in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung
+myself flat on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed
+glimpse of light, sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window,
+and conducted myself like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly
+conscious of what I was doing. All my dejection had vanished; all
+despair and pain had ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far
+as my thought reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor,
+folded my hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But
+then I was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A
+homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter,
+ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet
+Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of
+red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I
+only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home!
+Might I not have the honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime
+Minister to bed? And in all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went
+over to the stretcher and lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the
+door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all
+haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through
+from last night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with
+fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and
+one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty
+repeated constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket?
+Don't forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as
+last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out
+rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well
+then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three
+long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I
+dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They
+would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover
+who I really was; they might arrest me for false pretences; and so,
+with elevated head, the carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust
+under my coat-tails, I stride out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the
+traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I
+slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try
+and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the
+bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put
+in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave
+small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded
+me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade
+me good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan
+of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could;
+besides that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be
+so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days,
+sir. You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps
+later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my
+room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was
+that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings!
+God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five
+shares in the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me laugh louder and
+louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth
+increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell of cooking
+there was here--a downright disgustingly strong smell of chops for
+dinner, phew! and I flung open the window to let out this beastly
+smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table--this miserable
+table that I was forced to support with my knees when I wrote--I bowed
+profoundly, and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's
+sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms
+are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate
+of beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses
+below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart
+as a child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to
+remember it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a
+chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had
+been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying
+on the table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old
+green blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months
+ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help
+me! He would certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at
+once. I put on my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it
+into my pocket, and hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I
+can help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office
+door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully
+out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as
+I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without
+looking up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had
+not once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice,
+and recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I,
+that he doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that
+is an order of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the
+day my celebrated story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him
+with work, rushed to his door nearly every day with unsuitable things
+that he was obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he
+wished to put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the
+road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in
+the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was
+a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get
+it just as sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the
+whole time, as I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would
+get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?"
+He had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be
+sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On
+the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood
+planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck
+one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and
+continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there?
+Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters
+that had come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who
+are sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm
+dinner from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in
+its place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with
+fatigue. The door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the
+attic. I take the letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli
+into a good humour on the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had
+such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his
+card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone
+home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple
+of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There
+was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any
+kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without
+coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or
+more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This
+numb feeling of drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some
+one come up the stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when
+he came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good
+Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up
+to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him,
+my child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again,
+"Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my
+voice whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that
+was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o!
+that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp
+impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for
+being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and
+stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for
+a bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was
+bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters
+with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams.
+An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose
+down over her wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of
+nice things, and I turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole
+quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to
+him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there....
+Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a
+rat, and did not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and
+left. I rose, too, and followed him, firmly determined to convince him
+of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I;
+and I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render
+him a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would
+be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in
+all haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and
+the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther
+away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of
+Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful strain. The
+flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through my blood; my
+nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and I fall back on
+the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones,
+and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above
+the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little
+tin plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all
+my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and
+she goes away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it
+would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little
+street wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give
+her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was
+in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished
+child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to
+let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts
+his way through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little
+girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand
+there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However
+could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself
+that it is lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking
+about me, towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is
+shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and
+stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up
+against the wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is
+lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were
+to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps
+it would be no use, though buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and
+examine them, and find them as good as new--that was a lucky idea all
+the same; I could cut them off with my penknife and take them to the
+pawn-office. The hope of being able to sell these five buttons cheered
+me immediately, and I cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My
+delight got the upper hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the
+buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed
+soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when
+you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons
+than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit
+of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well!
+But I must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you
+were obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in
+peace.... Yes, well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait
+here whilst you are out looking for him, and I won't steal anything
+from you. Well, good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen;
+have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of
+the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in
+my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked,
+and entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I
+again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his
+paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained
+about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for
+me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could
+I not see then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed
+to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather
+die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt
+once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office
+without having asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of
+my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so
+before? "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it
+really have entered your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him
+to inconvenience again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the
+effrontery of which I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the
+shabbiest thing I ever heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly
+tear the eyes out of his head just because you happen to need a
+shilling, you miserable dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big
+thumping lout; I'll teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself,
+left one street after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on
+with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle Street,
+when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with vexation at not
+being able to run any farther. I was trembling over my whole body, and
+I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and, in order to
+torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to keep
+standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though,
+even then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry;
+I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now
+I could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself,
+dealing out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and
+more moved, and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet,
+heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same
+place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children
+played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other
+side of the street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I
+stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made your
+voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From
+exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea.
+I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose
+by it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You
+are hungry; you have come on important business--the first thing
+needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a
+sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do
+you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting
+with the powers of darkness and great voiceless monsters at night, so
+that it is a horror to think of; you hunger and thirst for wine and
+milk, and don't get them. It has gone so far with you. Here you stand
+and haven't as much as a halfpenny to bless yourself with. But you
+believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you haven't yet lost your faith;
+and then you must clasp your hands together, and look a very Satan of a
+fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you
+hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now it's quite another
+thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few
+shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your
+head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I
+intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long
+walk? There I stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was
+such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a
+call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature
+didn't understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just
+for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the
+road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to
+feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour
+too late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches
+near the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for
+me now! I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last
+degree. I sat there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad,
+motionless, and starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most
+strangely and sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer.
+My jaws were tired of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply
+gave up. A brown orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which
+I had at once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the
+veins swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but
+keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a
+matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day earlier or
+one day later? If I had conducted myself like an ordinary being I
+should have gone home long ago, and laid myself down to rest, and given
+in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I was to die. It was in the
+time of the fall, and all things were hushed to sleep. I had tried
+every means, exhausted every resource of which I knew. I fondled this
+thought sentimentally, and each time I still hoped for a possible
+succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to
+die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake.
+The blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the
+heart. I arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in
+all my fibres, and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green
+blanket--the green blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case
+of fetching something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's
+workshop. Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go
+over to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely
+superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in me--half inward
+cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole
+of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell
+on the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters
+from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind
+the counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them
+in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and
+said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better
+on the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny
+on it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it
+might go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I
+took it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every
+trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my right
+mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit this
+rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more unreasonable it
+seemed to me. It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation
+in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard. Neither had I
+fallen straight into the trap. I had half felt that I was going the
+wrong road, and I expressly offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced
+greatly that I had not had the opportunity of carrying into effect this
+fault which would have sullied the last hours I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast,
+apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And
+time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not
+pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon
+enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put
+it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I
+did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the
+noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the
+air. I might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in
+trying; and besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to
+consider the matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in
+the direction of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up,
+dragging myself slowly to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It
+began to burn over my eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as
+fast as I could. Once more I passed the baker's shop where the little
+loaf lay. "Well, we must stop here!" I said, with affected decision.
+But supposing I were to go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that
+was a fleeting thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to
+me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and held
+on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway and talked
+together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her head out of a
+window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I looked as if I
+might be deep in meditation on nothing in particular, and the wench
+came out into the street. "How is the world treating you, old fellow?
+Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she
+drew away frightened. I pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face?
+Had I really begun to die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand;
+thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls;
+but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a standstill; I
+must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were
+sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very
+deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head
+that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists
+that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went
+and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania.
+Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day
+and night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of
+my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy
+prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should
+be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil
+take a worse hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without
+looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr
+myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails
+deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate
+clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many
+times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just
+going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked
+up." I looked after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors,
+nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my real condition--a man I
+knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad;
+he was right. I felt madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through
+my brain. So that was to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my
+wearisome, painful walk. There was the haven in which I was to find
+rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the
+wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to
+the guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark
+of light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I
+had not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly
+painstaking; would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round
+from house to house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I
+hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I
+stumbled on, and talked until I brought myself to weep with emotion.
+Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from on high? His name had struck me
+for no reason, and he lived so far away; but I would look him up all
+the same, go slowly, and rest between times. I knew the place well; I
+had been there often, when times were good had bought much music from
+him. Should I ask him for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel
+uncomfortable. I would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop,
+and asked for the chief. They showed me into his office; there he
+sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest style--running down some
+accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand.
+Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I
+could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking he
+turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had finished, he
+glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said, "No"; simply
+"no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It won't be I that
+will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me tell you, at the same
+time, I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had
+turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had
+not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone
+all too far with me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect
+through so many hard hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the
+lowest form of begging. This one day had coarsened my whole mind,
+bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to
+stand and whine in the pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it
+availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the
+outer door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the
+guard-house again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body
+bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden
+the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible
+acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it
+was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours
+yet before the door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it
+no one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I
+had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help
+for it. Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how
+disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If
+all hope is over, why there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that
+matter, steal a handful of oats in the stable? A streak of light--a
+ray--yet I knew the stable was shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps,
+though, I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an
+hour. It was not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of
+water, either; my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt
+nausea at the spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the
+buttons at all yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile.
+Maybe there was a remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I
+should certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another
+some place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think that I
+could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of my pocket,
+and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I
+did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't I know exactly the big
+pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings, with my blood-sucking
+friend? One by one my possessions had vanished there--my little things
+from home--my last book. I liked to go there on auction days, to look
+on, and rejoice each time my books seemed likely to fall into good
+hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A
+diary, in which I had written my first small poetical attempt, had been
+bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a
+photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to
+grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle"
+is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid
+of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My voice
+sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my heart
+beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat
+on the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I
+had brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any
+use; something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are
+quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about
+the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he
+give me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought
+himself--quite according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and
+"Uncle" stares astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a
+cigar or whatever he liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I
+would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his
+desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much,
+yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This
+laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use
+trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go
+in with them; that was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off.
+Only a penny, or if he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters
+I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with
+his hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on
+my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade
+him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there
+was nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any
+price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do
+you look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched
+out my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well
+tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better
+you come in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing
+with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you
+hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and
+my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain
+of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I
+wrote with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor;
+and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately,
+without even re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper
+in order to open up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to
+Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of
+openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with
+me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches,
+particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I
+sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply
+because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If
+Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into
+the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like
+icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes
+and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas
+which might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened
+here and there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled
+at sentence after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon,
+one of my articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and
+happy, into my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was
+high time I made some arrangement towards getting a little money again;
+I had only a few pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an
+enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones
+and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this
+dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive
+rejected work, newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the
+28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of
+letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and
+lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks at me.
+Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when
+I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them.
+His face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I
+had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised
+the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is
+curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a
+habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look
+milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars
+wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes
+over me in the presence of this man. The tears are on the point of
+coming to my eyes, and I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I
+appreciated him, for all he had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt
+me; I was only a poor bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time
+of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat
+and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I
+stretch out my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us,"
+he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and
+write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that
+people understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to
+take up his time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,
+all the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his
+desk again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I
+made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something
+with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the
+"commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign
+without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once
+more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass
+her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same
+thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that
+she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the
+handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always
+in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and
+goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with
+curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling
+that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on the point
+of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any one, if she
+needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home.
+Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me
+something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.
+My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon
+me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize her sharply as I
+passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode in my breast,
+and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was
+not a long period; I had often been able to hold out for a couple of
+days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I
+could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day
+made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered all
+night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, lay blue
+with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy shivering, and
+grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep out the
+draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the sharp
+outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself
+alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I
+would try to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of
+hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on
+the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at
+which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of
+the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding
+my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides,
+with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my
+hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky
+stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight
+months, not the common food necessary to hold body and soul together
+for the space of one short week, before want stared me in the face
+again. Here I had, into the bargain, gone and kept straight and
+honourable all through my misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to
+the heart's core. God preserve me, what a fool I had been! And I
+commenced to tell myself how I had even gone about conscience-stricken
+because I had once brought Hans Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I
+laughed sarcastically at my delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in
+the street, and could not find words half strong enough to mock myself
+for my stupidity. Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment
+a schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch it
+up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole night
+through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much for
+nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park
+and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets
+were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet
+pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had
+commenced, the pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full
+swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats,
+one or two still short, sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate,
+panting breaths, and far down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling
+"Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion
+that thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the
+dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to
+affect me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling
+admissions, concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A
+number of cats are declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's
+doorway. And I did not possess even a florin! It was a misery, a
+wretchedness without parallel to be so impoverished. What humiliation,
+too; what disgrace! I began again to think about the poor widow's last
+mite, that I would have stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a
+beggar's wallet, that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more
+ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take
+to picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as
+they pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who
+fancy they are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if
+they tickle a sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank
+clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife;
+blowsy Molls, ready to fall down in the first doorway for a glass of
+beer! What sirens! The place at their side still warm from the last
+night's embrace of a watch-man or a stable-boy! The throne always
+vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I
+felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes.
+I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep
+my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a
+risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes;
+but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked
+to go along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see
+what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my
+arm, and said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called
+me a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got
+gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this
+unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now,
+Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and
+more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that
+I, too, was one of those who went about the street at night and ran
+after little girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps
+said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had
+done when one was actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many
+words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her those few paces, to see
+how far she would go on with it. For the rest, my name was
+So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, and sin no more!"
+With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps
+I had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life;
+save her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it
+when she came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death
+with thankful heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright,
+and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to
+face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might
+perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in
+my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring
+a candle. There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my
+writing materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened
+the door, and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I
+locked the door from the outside, and planted myself under the light.
+All around was quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a
+constable down in Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's
+Hill a dog barked. There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat
+collar up round my ears, and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop.
+But the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from
+the commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely
+to crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating
+climax. And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at
+this, the constable came and, planting himself a little distance away
+from me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+_Commandor_? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head
+above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space
+of an hour. The constable went his way. The cold began to get too
+intense for me to keep still. Disheartened and despondent over this
+abortive effort, I opened the door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set
+to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded
+by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not
+found an ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took
+aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my
+head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger
+on the floor, and then listened attentively, all without any object,
+but quietly and pensively as if it were some matter of importance in
+which I was engaged; and all the while I murmured aloud, time upon
+time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as
+before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself
+sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could.
+There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set
+myself resolutely to again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a
+score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try
+and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself
+to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet
+of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters that bristled up
+from the paper like small hairy creeping things, till at last I could
+neither make head nor tail of any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and
+tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables
+as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my
+lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest
+was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more
+together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm
+my fingers a little I stroked them through my hair backwards and
+forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts came away, flakes that got
+between my fingers, and scattered over the pillow. I did not think
+anything about it just then; it was as if it did not concern me. I had
+hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to shake myself out of this
+strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a mist. I sat up,
+struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest
+permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying
+helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At
+length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I
+shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled
+from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither
+was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I
+shook my head, went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it
+round the sore place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes
+filled with tears; I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger
+looked so utterly pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to
+now with me! The gloom grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that
+I might work up my finale through the course of the evening, if I only
+had a candle. My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as
+usual, and I did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so
+badly as some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next
+day. Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known in
+there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I used to
+buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the
+strength of my honest name; and for the first time for ages I took to
+brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed
+me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On
+no account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would
+never get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor"
+before he had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided
+upon the candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small
+parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The
+shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman,
+and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it
+over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are
+alone. He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my
+request over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count
+some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He
+gives me back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think
+about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth
+which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money
+mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare
+at these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take
+my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers
+strewn over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it
+is none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if
+it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that
+the shop-boy replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into
+my hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite
+of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in
+my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a
+little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates
+inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too
+strong for me--I entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared
+to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably
+well concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and
+then the waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright
+dishonesty was accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my
+earlier escapades were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and
+good! There was no help for it. For that matter, it was open to me to
+settle it with the shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion.
+It need not go any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon
+myself to live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no
+contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down
+into the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to
+get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread,
+and the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible
+that he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there.
+Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the
+table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark
+here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me
+at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains
+into her hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun,
+with the tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy
+yourself a farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way
+at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little
+towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and
+dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ...
+from me ... without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head.
+What a singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show
+myself too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected
+the depth of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to
+her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could
+not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a
+little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this
+nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and
+tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down
+furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last
+into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded with the water which
+gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I was seized with
+bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... I cursed the cruel
+powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted me so, consigned them to
+hell's damnation and eternal torments for their petty persecution.
+There was but little chivalry in fate, really little enough chivalry;
+one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had
+been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I
+said; he couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the
+man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for some
+boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it
+greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road
+home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I
+get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black
+again. The same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be
+no mistake about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth
+time. She is standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar
+that I involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in
+good working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by
+my last meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the
+point of entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes
+me. Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before;
+could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way,
+so earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself;
+it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She
+was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she
+stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed
+me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in
+my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass
+of wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had
+come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would
+scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that;
+but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was
+rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up
+Carl Johann after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet
+breath every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated
+in an ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a
+glimpse of a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom
+that curved out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty
+which I surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not
+endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers
+over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just
+for a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great
+fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed
+before twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little
+tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She
+lived up in St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her
+mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there
+anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I know that? She had
+gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli
+a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky
+is clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known
+at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a
+while longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have
+you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into
+that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled
+with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and
+lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest
+me in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that
+didn't know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair,
+and lie with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks
+of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in
+space; in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures
+hovering over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid
+this bored her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew,
+and crushed me. If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to
+have given her the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could
+not make out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself
+be accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was I
+walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at nothing?
+Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be worried into
+a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap it did not cost me
+an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go right into my heart at
+even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against us? Was not madness
+running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for many months at a
+stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even a little milk
+into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps
+be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go
+to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I
+said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now";
+and she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your
+name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your
+veil so that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home.
+Were you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted
+windows of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my
+head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned
+it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to
+me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had
+expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own
+desire. I walk on and look at her, and get more and more bold. She
+encourages me, draws me to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a
+moment my poverty, my humble position, my whole miserable condition. I
+feel my blood course madly through my whole body, as in the days before
+I caved in, and resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She
+puts the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the
+two ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just
+to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may
+just wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do
+not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me
+once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with
+me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that
+time too, more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain
+once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any
+farther with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door
+with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could
+there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me
+clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken
+down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured
+by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink
+into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and
+said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for
+a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my
+neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom
+heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out
+of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned
+and ran up the stairs without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain;
+great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was
+raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of
+confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the
+agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while
+awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced
+myself and kissed the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and
+procured a fresh cup of milk, and straight on top of that a plate of
+beef. I was no longer hungry, but my nerves were in a highly-strung
+condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on
+under my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called
+up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a
+designer, and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I
+haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare thought. "Supposing it
+was my _fiancée_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in
+the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer,
+drank it, and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but
+now you shall have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back
+the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately
+to my head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed
+me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday!
+Supposing she were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ...
+get suspicious of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the
+money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon
+me in all its details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean
+hands as I seized the money, and I pictured to myself the line of
+action the police would adopt when they would come to arrest me. Irons
+on my hands and feet; no, only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand.
+The dock, the clerk taking down the evidence, the scratch of his
+pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the occasion--his look, his
+threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally
+dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I
+had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if
+it should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me
+no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced
+that I had been happier before, during the period in which I had
+suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with
+the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as
+drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake
+woman who was sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the
+elephant. I might even yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from
+being too late; I would show the whole world that I was capable of
+doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it
+in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted
+something, clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I
+spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a
+delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole
+matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret
+anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and shuddering time
+upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled
+against such a low action. God be praised, I had raised myself in my
+own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I said to myself, looking
+across the thronged market-place--"only just do as I have done!" I had
+gladdened a poor old cake vendor to such good purpose that she was
+perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children wouldn't go hungry to
+bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections and considered that I
+had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was
+out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with
+me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it
+was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my
+shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something
+astounding, to set the whole town in a ferment. All up through
+Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my
+ears, and intoxication ran riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go
+and tell my age to a commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed
+a word to me; to take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his
+face, and leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished
+every nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying the
+expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of tokens and
+signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at Parliament Place. I
+stand all at once stock-still, and look at the droskes; the drivers are
+wandering about, chatting and laughing. The horses hang their heads and
+cower in the bitter weather. "Go ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig
+with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to the first vehicle, and got in.
+"Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times
+into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too,
+grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had
+attracted his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She
+looks at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no
+effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the
+person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a
+bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran
+downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver.
+He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove
+on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is
+a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the
+driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was
+right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him
+that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just as he described
+him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see
+such a man without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I said, "Ha, ha! I suppose
+no one has ever yet seen the man without a knobbed stick in his hand,
+of that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they
+touched the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69.
+This number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like
+a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched
+under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and
+commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my
+brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to
+influences over which I have no control. I begin to laugh, silently,
+passionately, without a trace of cause, still merry and intoxicated
+from the couple of glasses of ale I have drunk. Little by little my
+excitement abates, my calm returns more and more to me. I feel the cold
+in my sore finger, and I stick it down inside my collar to warm it a
+little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy.
+I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come
+to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a
+sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on
+top of the other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted
+sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I
+hear voices and the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor,
+the sound of an iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment
+as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of
+being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who
+has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I
+believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had
+vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which
+came and went in turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a
+reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid
+and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great
+moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I
+sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much
+astonishment. I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find
+it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity
+had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become
+so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once
+had been; my shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had
+contracted a habit of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order
+to spare my chest what little I could. I had examined my body a few
+days ago, one noon up in my room, and I had stood and cried over it the
+whole time. I had worn the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite
+stiff with stale sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and
+water ran out of the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very
+tiresome to have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had
+no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it,
+dried it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for
+it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the
+whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from
+feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end
+now, I would heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation,
+I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the
+way I passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the
+right." Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former
+room in Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the
+door, the lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the
+baker's new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than
+now; one night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't
+write anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes,
+I would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in her
+hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy and I
+stand face to face alone for the second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did
+this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I
+got furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain
+fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of
+five shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently,
+and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to
+use force if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from
+one foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make
+signs to hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered
+my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that
+was opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious
+as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in
+any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I
+stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of
+being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me.
+Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The
+devil take you!' Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room,
+into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in
+my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high
+horse, and sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by
+the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake
+of his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five
+shillings that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of
+his fear, had tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with
+every loud word that I had roared out. And the master himself had
+perhaps been sitting inside the inner room, almost within an ace of
+feeling called upon to come out and inquire what was the row. No, there
+was no longer any limit to the low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would
+not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would
+have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for
+one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me
+only this once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might
+die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a
+little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the
+morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten
+her the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so
+faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so
+blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy
+light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows
+stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely
+and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of
+rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and earth in conflagration men
+and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a
+wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in brazen ignition, a smoking,
+smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body
+bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I
+had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in
+amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely
+failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my
+legs, was struck with astonishment that the window was where it was,
+and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses'
+feet in the yard below as if it came from above me. I felt rather sick,
+too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my
+elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches.
+My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me
+no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a
+little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my
+balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much,
+and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad.
+On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It did not strike me just
+then that anything could be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that
+the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be
+sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which
+grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast;
+carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of
+diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed
+for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a
+little more, then lay quite still for a moment's space, and then began
+afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty
+spaces everywhere after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to
+the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome;
+at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market
+and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and
+I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice
+the place I was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the
+noise around me was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear
+it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly
+as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me,
+and the wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little
+quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one
+foot pained me, a couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it
+were, curled up in my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have
+been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't
+think any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed
+to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and
+saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side;
+it was not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they
+were; he looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I
+had begged him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given
+it to me. He would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him
+in return, wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed
+my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got
+dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and
+sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and
+took to chewing it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and
+unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. I could hear a group of
+little children playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive
+sort of way, some pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the
+steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I
+called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a threatening
+backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up there, and boldly
+addressed the first butcher I met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said;
+"only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him
+something to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of
+the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and
+stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no
+light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I
+began to gnaw at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced
+to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it
+down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a
+matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew
+wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down
+by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as
+the little fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came
+again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from
+sheer helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that
+the bone got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned
+again, cried as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned
+all the powers that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the
+most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with
+gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy
+me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it
+avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the
+most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven;
+yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers like claws, with
+ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you
+did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire
+of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed
+me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, because you did not
+know your time of visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and
+yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the
+face--I tell you, I would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman
+in your mansions! I tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for
+your divine paltriness; and I choose the abyss of destruction for a
+perpetual resort, where the devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you
+have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots
+from here below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at
+their hour of death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and
+you know not, you omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition!
+I tell you, all my life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul,
+gasps to mock you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would,
+if I could, breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf,
+every dewdrop in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day
+of doom, and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your
+Deity's boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce
+all thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell
+you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and
+reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and
+turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the
+violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied
+outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and
+whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear voices--a conversation
+between two men who are coming down the passage. I slink away from the
+door, drag myself along the walls of the houses, and come out again
+into the light streets. As I jog along Young's Hill my brain begins to
+work in a most peculiar direction. It occurs to me that the wretched
+hovels down at the corner of the market-place, the stores for loose
+materials, the old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a
+disgrace to the place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market,
+and were a blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned
+over in my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had always
+attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps not be
+possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or three hundred
+pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must admit, a tidy
+enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a start with,
+eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy enough bit of
+pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling over my whole
+body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I had a
+feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I
+would, for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the
+street to die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous.
+My sore foot throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was
+creeping up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any
+particular distress. I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a
+lame man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped
+him instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun
+had sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under
+the man's nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had
+been smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the
+air; it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, reckoned
+in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again.
+"You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of
+tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made
+no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye
+on me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or
+another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look
+following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn
+round, and, dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at
+him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It
+was as if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I
+stare for a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog
+along again to the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable,
+he only keeps his gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat.
+It seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against
+a house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther
+from the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake
+his compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would
+have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor"
+tweaks his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to
+the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands
+me half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to
+death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is
+shameful of me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor"
+at last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but
+could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near
+tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave
+up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when
+after all I did muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he
+was already at too great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly
+and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me
+half-a-sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood,
+imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened
+eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the
+top of my voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in
+my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour,
+for it had grown very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough,
+outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for
+a moment and wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second
+time, right into the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here
+I asked for shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter
+everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets,
+golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented
+streets and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a
+turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of
+No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about the whole time in a
+state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would happen? What should I
+say when she came down the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I
+concluded to let it rest with the smile. Of course I would bow
+profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the
+clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the
+way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late,
+and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore,
+otherwise nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a
+long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come.
+Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I
+waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had
+my first meeting with her only existed in imagination the night I lay
+in delirium? I began in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all
+sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide
+staircase before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my
+hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little
+quickly after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way,
+that you would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too,
+so I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us
+had seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the
+door the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had
+perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave
+me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of
+mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall
+certainly not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led
+me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could
+very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a
+lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a
+little laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so ashamed, but I will never
+do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss
+you again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to
+her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table.
+We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right
+between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize
+hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took
+off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements.
+I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot
+refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door;
+you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's
+it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and
+do everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for
+example, you might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair;
+you could easily have thought of that much out of your own head,
+couldn't you? But if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as
+wide as if you couldn't believe what was being said. Yes, it is really
+true; I have noticed it several times; you are doing it now, too; but
+you needn't try to persuade me that you are always so modest; it is
+only when you don't dare to be otherwise than quiet. You were daring
+enough the day you were tipsy--when you followed me straight home and
+worried me with your witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you
+are quite certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment
+in it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most
+extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I
+never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no,
+perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love
+with you, and it is so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is
+naturally not an atom of a chance for me.... What is your name? Now,
+you really must tell me what you are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that again!
+I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes, that is
+to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like
+that? It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated
+herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with
+her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a
+little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap
+better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and
+you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that
+state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with
+you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you
+would not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't
+even think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of
+her head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a
+little on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could
+feel her breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when
+I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if
+you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be
+from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for
+otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm
+around her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being
+so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and
+seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away
+from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and
+looked out through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too
+wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any
+one in particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her
+during the time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in
+my old, well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and
+I felt fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub
+you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving
+a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I
+flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the
+girl out of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha!
+Then I would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was
+backward on that score. The creature was possessed by the devil
+himself! If it were only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against
+my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both
+hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down
+my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair
+there is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I
+won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed
+that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already should lose
+your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way you really
+spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do
+you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide
+anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you
+are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she
+had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself
+worthy of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person
+almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up
+to date on my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related
+truth. I made out nothing any worse than it was; it was not my
+intention to rouse her compassion. I told her also that I had stolen
+five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining
+eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to
+disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a
+thing happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up
+to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was
+I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental
+in causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of
+me if I had made myself out to be a _roué_?... No nonsense now;... it
+was just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of
+going at it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naïve. I could have
+fallen down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on
+the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very
+ill at ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing
+she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to
+put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the
+fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had shown me the
+door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly
+standing over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to
+come of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her
+out that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost
+to me, and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a
+weighty, cutting word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a
+little. And in the face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of
+being proud and cold, disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk
+of trifles. The telling word would not come; I conducted myself in an
+exceedingly aimless fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me
+plainly and straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not?
+There was no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding
+me that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and I
+won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that she had
+been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she had thought
+about; I understood that at once. It did not require much to put me on
+the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her jacket, and
+left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said before, I
+had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was at the
+root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come
+over to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened
+certain powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I
+assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its
+advantages. It helped me in certain situations in life. The poor
+intelligent man is a far nicer observer than the rich intelligent man.
+The poor man looks about him at every step he takes, listens
+suspiciously to every word he hears from the people he meets, every
+step he takes affords in this way a task for his thoughts and
+feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is
+an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that
+I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the
+same. At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her
+in rude enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched
+by her heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my
+hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might
+answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I
+don't even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell
+me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't
+get in your way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once,
+as if you didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so
+thoroughly bare, made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time
+before; but, indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it
+over, that nothing is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give
+me your hand--or give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you
+any harm; I will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down
+on the floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am
+not to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on the
+carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at your feet;
+but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your eyes that you
+got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't move a step when I
+asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as I stand now when
+I point out the place to you where I would have knelt before you, over
+there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even point with my
+finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten you. I only
+nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly well which
+rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me,
+and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the
+heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I
+did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I
+often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food
+all the same, because I forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything;
+you don't answer; you don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand
+and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did
+she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she
+had tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her
+mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a
+sacrifice as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite
+of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for
+a little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold,
+and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was
+forcing herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to
+the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy,
+dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the
+whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the
+streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound,
+the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the harness of the
+droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything,
+sounded choked and jangling through the close air, that penetrated and
+muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In
+this way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to
+writing again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together
+that satisfied me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very
+painstaking, and strove early and late; no matter what I attempted, it
+was useless. Good fortune had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat
+and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the
+first evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got.
+All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in
+getting together an article on some subject or another, so that I could
+pay for my room, and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I
+worked on so persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from
+which I expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound
+thought upon which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to
+the "Commander" in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had
+helped a talent this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually
+see that; it only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and
+why shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter with
+me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread and butter,
+mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer
+used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I could stare down into
+the street from my window on the second floor without getting giddy. I
+was much better in every way, and it was becoming a matter of
+astonishment to me that I had not already finished my allegory. I
+couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on
+this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me
+to look over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she
+said; it didn't agree with her own book; but she had not been able to
+find out the mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at
+me. I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the
+total right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I
+looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed
+at the same time that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention,
+and yet I did not stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this little
+huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I tried
+honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but couldn't
+succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for some minutes
+I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to dance about in my
+head; I could no longer distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole
+thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop at the following entry--"3.
+5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My brain failed me completely; I
+stared stupidly down at the cheese, and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you
+can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to
+give it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was
+as if something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the
+impression that I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and
+muttered a number aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down
+the reckoning as if I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and
+waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash
+of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never
+heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed
+to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to
+some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly
+revised. She said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel
+ashamed, but thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the
+door, she said, without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned
+back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a
+little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks
+yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to
+keep things going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging
+on credit, more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you
+about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall
+have your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me
+some time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter
+of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day.
+I have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day
+or hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair.
+No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no
+salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a
+complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a piece of
+Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my senses when I
+could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not I, into the
+bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the reckoning, made the
+lucid observation that my landlady was in the family way? I had no
+reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything about it, neither
+had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it with my own eyes,
+and I understood it at once, right at a despairing moment where I sat
+and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade.
+Some children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed
+children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle
+between them and screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly
+by; it must belong to some dislodged family, forced to change residence
+between "flitting time." [Footnote: In Norway, l4th of March and
+October.] This struck me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped
+on the float, moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs
+with three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her nose--sat
+up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little blue hands in
+order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of frightfully stained
+mattresses, that children must have lain on, and looked down at the
+urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window
+and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the
+kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and
+I listened to hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that
+an idiot could not have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and
+begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them;
+he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are
+saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children crowded
+together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did they
+expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones,
+cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse themselves
+with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and unspeakably
+wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes continued to revile
+one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't
+breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the
+cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him,
+he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that
+you are! To think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I
+will, may the Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street
+with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the
+arm and tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as
+if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising;
+this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any
+longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call
+twice, just to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call
+very loudly, and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me.
+She regains her self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay,
+downright maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to
+her offspring. She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to
+him, "Fie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how
+naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen;
+I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my
+own thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was
+impossible that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How
+could there, in this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have
+been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no
+end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this
+tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything
+as accurately as you do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To
+my mind it is not without its humorous side, if I am any judge of such
+a case. Why, it happens to every man that he once in a way sticks fast,
+and that, too, just with the simplest question. It is of no
+significance, it is often a pure accident. As I have remarked before, I
+am on the point of having a good laugh at your expense. As far as that
+huckster account is concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of
+beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!--a cheese with
+cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the
+matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous
+cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the
+world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to
+finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable,
+said I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in
+good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level
+head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth
+rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I
+laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too,
+as if I only needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy
+rapture, without a care on any side, to get my head into working order
+once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without
+getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point,
+that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I
+was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this
+thought. It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human
+brains; and I intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these
+burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my
+landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the
+room, she did not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep
+downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there
+too." And before she got my answer, she began, without further
+ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the table, and put the whole
+of them into a state of dire confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room.
+And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller
+already on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on
+the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest
+on his shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the
+night; he would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period.
+Perhaps, too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have
+one of my moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes,
+and my essay on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should
+have to submit to fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on
+the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and
+prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's
+father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down
+Over his hands as if his chest or stomach pained him. His hair was
+almost white, and he looked in his crouching position like a
+poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said
+to the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened
+to come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have
+something in hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much
+as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down
+stairs, was occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to
+the house. She had put herself in connection with quay-porters and
+dock-men, to whom she paid a certain sum for every new lodger they
+brought her, and she often gave them, in addition, a shelter for the
+night. This time it was "Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the
+new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A
+while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she
+intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that I could lie
+in here together with the others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa,
+as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she fussed about the room and
+busied herself with different things that she set in order, and she
+never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it
+appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for
+another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not
+to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then
+held my tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to
+give people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told
+you that before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor
+of the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how
+he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take
+his first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was
+staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my
+room was lost to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to
+get anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was
+quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new
+idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The
+Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had
+especially thought out everything in connection with the principal
+characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who had sinned in the
+temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate against heaven;
+sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the altar-cloth under her
+head, just out of delicious contempt for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on.
+She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was
+exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and
+repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her
+long limbs should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took.
+She was also to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing
+for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested
+me in her was her wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure
+of calculated sin which she had committed. She really occupied me too
+much, my brain was absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of
+a creature, and I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama.
+When I had finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with
+much effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold
+and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the last
+half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the children
+inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case, have written
+any more just then. So I took a long time up over Drammensveien, and
+stayed away till the evening, pondering incessantly, as I walked along,
+as to how I would continue my drama. Before I came home in the evening
+of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street,
+almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this
+shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did
+not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were
+far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of people talking
+together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing of what was said.
+Then a voice greeted me loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked
+at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with
+that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if
+I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if
+to console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand
+there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a
+mean trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want
+to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen
+wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right
+from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the
+bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps
+me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up
+to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman
+at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I
+would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have
+given this toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps
+this red dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And
+at bottom what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the
+dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and
+talked, and tried to make good his mistake again. I did not listen to
+him at all; I stood the whole time and stared at the red dress that was
+coming nearer up the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a
+gliding delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the two--the lady and the man
+with her,--raised his hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously. The red dress
+glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial
+souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being
+going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first
+she answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who
+neither feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might
+not have the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by
+the Lord, not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with
+her to her door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety,
+otherwise he could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they
+went along, hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar
+Atterdag, and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was
+obliged to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like,"
+he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow;
+well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with
+all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise
+my hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly
+not; she was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she
+had fallen off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might
+easily have been the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not
+in the least astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir
+in her. But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and
+salute, like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously
+besmirched of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The
+day might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight into
+my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It might very
+easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I knew myself
+aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during the course of
+the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have brought this
+young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with all her
+charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live
+by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the
+Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with
+that, why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days'
+time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more
+of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp.
+It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go
+to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely
+to be able to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward
+my request very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a
+dissatisfied face on my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had
+almost completed a remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were
+wanting; and I hinted that it might be produced in some theatre or
+another, in no time. If she would only just render me this great
+service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve
+o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself
+a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that
+right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside
+with us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at
+all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and
+thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here,
+in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently
+at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a
+whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little
+girls came in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had
+scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out
+of them and trickled down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others
+sat at a table and played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as
+ever, and sat and sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not
+write anything in the midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled
+herself no more about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked
+me if I had been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile
+towards me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account. Even
+the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big fringe over
+her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at me in the
+evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She inquired
+perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as she had never
+seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was clear that she was
+aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a pleasure in letting me
+know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers
+into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me.
+I look at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are
+not yet fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me?
+Even supposing I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her
+in any way? She had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when
+I was a bit awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a
+nail and tore my coat. It was not later than yesterday that she
+gathered up my rough copy, that I had thrown aside in the
+ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments of my drama, and read them
+aloud in the room here; made fun of them in every one's hearing, just
+to amuse herself at my expense. I had never molested her in any way,
+and could not recall that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On
+the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in
+order not to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too,
+because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I
+washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been run
+over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them. "God
+bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as wide
+as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then I
+couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident
+malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man
+over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this
+diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I
+looked on at this for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old
+fellow did not move a finger to defend himself; he only looked at his
+tormentors with furious eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his
+head to escape when the straws were already in his ears. I got more and
+more irritated at this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it.
+The father looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he
+also drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children aside
+with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear
+of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I
+stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should
+I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose
+into the family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a
+half-dying old man, and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a
+flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that
+the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes
+and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said
+nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part
+of his body a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls,
+drew himself up again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I
+stood and looked on, saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table
+at which he sat, and sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed,
+and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly
+did not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled
+over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep
+your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve
+you best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled
+with scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack
+of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be
+quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open
+house and food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and
+the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any
+more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats
+there, and wipe your noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I
+never saw the like of such people. Here they walk in out of the street,
+without even a penny to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in
+the middle of the night and quarrel with the people who own the house,
+I don't mean to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you
+can go your way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to
+have peace in my own quarters, I am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it
+would surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and
+what word after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter
+outside, and far advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to
+strike a blow, and show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I
+sat still and made no attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed
+at keeping silent, never felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown
+the door. I stared coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung
+in an oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the
+landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them.
+"If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's
+the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick
+enough who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and
+spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant.
+"Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to
+go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my
+part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular
+green hair on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green
+grass, or expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a
+perfectly correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of
+fleeting ideas darts at this moment through my head. From green grass
+to the text, Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to
+the Day of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour
+down to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just
+like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on the
+right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head during
+the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust me from her
+door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now,
+out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key
+in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the
+rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out
+into the streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while
+ago took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I
+did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended
+that I had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I
+tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place.
+For the time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out
+tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only
+living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to
+extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached
+Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and still
+sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and very hungry,
+I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had
+lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my landlady had given me
+morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four hours since I had had my
+last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at me again; I must seek a help
+for it right quickly. With this thought I fell asleep again upon the
+seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every
+one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped
+myself on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice
+sounded so wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself
+to tears with it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in
+light, had far too mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud
+weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A
+large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her
+name, _Copégoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch
+what took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost
+discharged; she lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all
+the ballast she had already taken in, and there was a hollow boom
+through the whole ship whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck
+with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy,
+merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run
+lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes
+of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped
+over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration
+to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this
+oration, upon which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge
+my words, the bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways,
+and the ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with
+the atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to
+envelop my drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there
+in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single
+quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was
+no other way open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in
+Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I told myself all the
+while that it would not do. I went ahead all the same, and approached
+nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I
+admitted to myself that it was degrading--downright degrading, but
+there was no help for it. I was not in the least proud; I dared make
+the assertion roundly, that I was one of the least arrogant beings up
+to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter
+what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done,
+what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a
+matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I
+should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even
+whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost
+turned round at the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At
+the worst I could excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye,
+to make a proper adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt
+to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a
+sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to
+me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and
+my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to think over what
+his conscience should dictate to him. A little row reached me from the
+room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and
+totally indifferent to me what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit
+thinking about it? Keep quiet now! "Thus dictate I and my own
+conscience...." But everything conspired against me. Outside in the
+street, something was taking place that disturbed me. A little lad sat
+and amused himself in the sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He
+was happy and in fear of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot
+of paper streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and
+begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and
+catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is
+leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down
+on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five minutes
+passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little lad's
+tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that
+the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong.
+Was there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them
+anew, and solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright
+lengthy pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating
+desire to set to work again darted through my breast--the desire to
+finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor,
+and entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to
+hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his
+things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on
+a chair near the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out
+on my knees. Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon
+retort stood ready in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled
+one page after the other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled
+softly in ecstasy over my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of
+myself. The only sound I heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a
+church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All
+was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the
+stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt,
+timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger.
+I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen.
+I cannot write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below
+enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the
+landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther;
+the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait
+for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil
+does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst
+abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought
+myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the
+stranger man who followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod
+close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my anger increased with
+every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether
+I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely
+blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression
+that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A
+commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no
+notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do
+not turn round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and
+stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and
+unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look
+at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to
+me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face.
+I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was
+examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one
+might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word, not to
+mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect calmness, a
+large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face of one's
+persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with dignity. That
+was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the
+street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed
+vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I
+could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the
+cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it, so I remained
+standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my senses. My insane
+anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and
+stamped on the pavement. I also tried several other things to try and
+regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, wrinkled my brows, and rolled
+my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My thoughts grew more lucid.
+It was clear to me that I was about to succumb. I stretched out my
+hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street still danced
+wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my
+very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant effort not to
+sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would die
+standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying,
+and I swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with
+the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in
+the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father,
+Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and
+forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed
+her, she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of
+sheer good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought
+me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly
+over this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I
+grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with
+hoarse voice, and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than
+yesterday, had decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat
+her with the greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused
+her compassion, and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would
+never be an end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I
+maintain a decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every
+way I turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To accept
+half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back to the
+secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance offered, and
+keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of one's intense inner
+aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go
+back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use.
+There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert
+myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case,
+great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must
+consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and
+find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider
+the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps
+meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might
+and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and
+re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no
+obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything
+that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I
+tried to persuade myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I
+lied right royally to myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on,
+as if I had no need to seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly;
+only just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast
+rather strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of
+the Middle Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil
+between my teeth, jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each
+page in two, fling my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am
+lost! I whisper to myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no
+more than these few words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my
+hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing
+in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I
+lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a
+long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out
+his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a
+little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling
+any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort of any kind,
+I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market, turned round at
+the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's
+Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of indifference whether I
+returned the half-sovereign or not? When once I received it, it was
+mine; and there was evidently no want where it came from. Besides, I
+was obliged to take it when it was sent expressly to me; there could be
+no object in letting the messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to
+send it back--a whole half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there
+was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign
+still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It
+would hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so?
+Always ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my
+head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the
+street again. Even when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good
+warm lodging. No; I must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and
+show I wasn't the man to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right
+and left, and go my way.... I took myself sharply to task for having
+left my lodging and brought myself into the most distressful
+circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort
+of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I
+knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the
+money, therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put
+it plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now
+and then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even
+fatally in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this
+notion. There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt
+anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce
+battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit
+thus and look out into space, a figure becomes little by little clear
+to my fixed stare. At last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and
+I recognize it. It is that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near
+the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit
+half-upright on the seat, and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite
+correct--the same woman before the same table on the same spot! I
+whistle a few times and snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make
+for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if
+it was the wages of sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of
+silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of
+too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my
+words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers,
+this pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not
+say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind,
+I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal
+with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a
+contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the
+money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to
+think over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the
+outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the
+table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of
+clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and
+gives me to understand that she had not expected me to return to rob
+her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of,
+without that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look
+at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen
+money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think
+that either. Well, that at least was a good thing--really a good thing.
+It was, if I might so say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me
+an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness.
+Always when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my
+head and said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it
+never happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in
+this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford
+it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be
+expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of
+procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps
+never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at
+that now! In that case, she could of course have no opinion on the
+subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole
+stand, because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I
+had no intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the
+value of the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to
+trouble her again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was
+the sort of creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes
+towards me, four or five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible
+price she could think of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled
+still with her, persisted that she had at least cheated me to the
+extent of a shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices.
+"Do you know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I;
+"God help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth, begged
+me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The
+whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my
+cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness,
+repeated to myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed
+to me that I had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving
+her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over
+to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter
+how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no
+help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little
+cake that I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it
+aside, in fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little
+lad who played with the paper streamers. I thought of him
+continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped and swore. He had
+turned round towards the window when the man spat down on him, and he
+had just looked up to see if I was laughing at him. God knows if I
+should meet him now, even if I went down that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly
+by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some
+scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had
+amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had
+been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering
+in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid
+the cake down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and
+hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the
+first thing he will do when he comes out will be to find it. And my
+eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding
+the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my
+head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of
+those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk
+farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my
+hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and more confused.
+I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer.
+I just sit there and stare at the _Copégoro_, the barque flying the
+Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the
+port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I
+had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me,
+so I stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and
+strode on deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to.
+Where are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to
+me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to
+a little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really
+do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of
+chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can
+take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me
+good, and I could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to
+the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all
+the homes.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
+
+
+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Posting Date: August 23, 2010 [EBook #8387]
+Release Date: June, 2005
+First Posted: July 6, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<h1 class="centered">HUNGER</h1>
+
+<h2 class="centered">Translated from the Norwegian of<br>
+<br>
+KNUT HAMSUN</h2>
+
+<h2 class="centered">by GEORGE EGERTON</h2>
+
+<h2 class="centered"><em>With an introduction by Edwin
+Björkman</em></h2>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3 class="intro">Knut Hamsun</h3>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg,
+Hamsun is undoubtedly the foremost creative writer of the
+Scandinavian countries. Those approaching most nearly to his
+position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in Sweden and Henrik
+Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to have less than
+he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation and
+authority of tone that made the greater masters what they
+were.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>His reputation is not confined to his own
+country or the two Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago
+over the rest of Europe, taking deepest roots in Russia, where
+several editions of his collected works have already appeared, and
+where he is spoken of as the equal of Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The
+enthusiasm of this approval is a characteristic symptom that throws
+interesting light on Russia as well as on Hamsun.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a
+man of the masses, full of keen social consciousness. Instead, he
+must be classed as an individualistic romanticist and a highly
+subjective aristocrat, whose foremost passion in life is violent,
+defiant deviation from everything average and ordinary. He fears
+and flouts the dominance of the many, and his heroes, who are
+nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are invariably
+marked by an originality of speech and action that brings them
+close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>In all the literature known to me, there is no
+writer who appears more ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the
+self thus presented to us is as paradoxical and rebellious as it is
+poetic and picturesque. Such a nature, one would think, must be the
+final blossoming of powerful hereditary tendencies, converging
+silently through numerous generations to its predestined climax.
+All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were sturdy Norwegian
+peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their neighbours
+by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of them
+into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by
+physical environment and early social experiences.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the
+sunny valleys of central Norway. From there his parents moved when
+he was only four to settle in the far northern district of
+Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the year, and not the day, is
+evenly divided between darkness and light; where winter is a long
+dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream without sleep; where
+land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically that man is all
+but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic measures by
+the spectacle of their struggle.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The Northland, with its glaring lights and
+black shadows, its unearthly joys and abysmal despairs, is present
+and dominant in every line that Hamsun ever wrote. In that country
+his best tales and dramas are laid. By that country his heroes are
+stamped wherever they roam. Out of that country they draw their
+principal claims to probability. Only in that country do they seem
+quite at home. Today we know, however, that the pathological case
+represents nothing but an extension of perfectly normal tendencies.
+In the same way we know that the miraculous atmosphere of the
+Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize traits that lie
+slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this basis the
+fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to ordinary
+humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to the
+living tissues. What we see is true in everything but
+proportion.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The artist and the vagabond seem equally to
+have been in the blood of Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed
+to a shoemaker, he used his scant savings to arrange for the
+private printing of a long poem and a short novel produced at the
+age of eighteen, when he was still signing himself Knud Pedersen
+Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his apprenticeship and entered
+on that period of restless roving through trades and continents
+which lasted until his first real artistic achievement with
+"Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that practically
+every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was then, and
+that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this fact.
+It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly
+that no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional
+details.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Before he reached those heights, he had tried
+life as coal-heaver and school teacher, as road-mender and
+surveyor's attendant, as farm hand and streetcar conductor, as
+lecturer and free-lance journalist, as tourist and emigrant. Twice
+he visited this country during the middle eighties, working chiefly
+on the plains of North Dakota and in the streets of Chicago. Twice
+during that time he returned to his own country and passed through
+the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before, at last, he found his
+own literary self and thus also a hearing from the world at large.
+While here, he failed utterly to establish any sympathetic contact
+between himself and the new world, and his first book after his
+return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The Spiritual Life of
+Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic once described
+as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a copy of this
+book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription in the
+author's autograph:</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>&nbsp;&nbsp;"A youthful work. It has ceased to
+represent my opinion of America.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a
+sketch, and as such it appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary
+periodical, "New Earth." It attracted immediate widespread
+attention to the author, both on account of its unusual theme and
+striking form. It was a new kind of realism that had nothing to do
+with photographic reproduction of details. It was a professedly
+psychological study that had about as much in common with the
+old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented
+in the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the
+appearance of the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as
+one of the chief heralds of the neo-romantic movement then
+spreading rapidly through the Scandinavian north and finding
+typical expressions not only in the works of theretofore unknown
+writers, but in the changed moods of masters like Ibsen and
+Bjornson and Strindberg.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>It was followed two years later by
+"Mysteries," which pretends to be a novel, but which may be better
+described as a delightfully irresponsible and defiantly subjective
+roaming through any highway or byway of life or letters that
+happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of writing. Some
+one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings from
+laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+blended.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth,"
+both published in 1893, were social studies of Christiania's
+Bohemia and chiefly characterized by their violent attacks on the
+men and women exercising the profession which Hamsun had just made
+his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the real Hamsun, the Hamsun
+who ever since has moved logically and with increasing authority to
+"The Growth of the Soil," stood finally revealed. It is a novel of
+the Northland, almost without a plot, and having its chief interest
+in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions to a nature so
+overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence seem a
+sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun has
+ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for
+the first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing
+their feet in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a
+never-setting sun. It is a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to
+the forces let loose by it within the soul of man.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Like most of the great writers over there,
+Hamsun has not confined himself to one poetic mood or form, but has
+tried all of them. From the line of novels culminating in "Pan," he
+turned suddenly to the drama, and in 1895 appeared his first play,
+"At the Gates of the Kingdom." It was the opening drama of a
+trilogy and was followed by "The Game of Life" in 1896 and "Sunset
+Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in Christiania, the second in
+the Northland, and the third in Christiania again. The hero of all
+three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who is first presented
+to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at 50. His wife and
+several other characters accompany the central figure through the
+trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is a rebel
+at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming
+truth-seeker of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical
+leader in the first acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to
+the powers that be in order to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for
+his declining years, then another man of 29 stands ready to
+denounce him and to take up the rebel cry of youth to which he has
+become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor and whimsical manner of
+expression do more than the plot itself to knit the plays into an
+organic unit, and several of the characters are delightfully drawn,
+particularly the two women who play the greatest part in Kareno's
+life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more of his many
+feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable Northland
+nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the trilogy
+must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be
+directed.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk,"
+(1903), "Queen Tamara" (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910),
+the first mentioned is by far the most remarkable. It is a verse
+drama in eight acts, centred about one of Hamsun's most typical
+vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much in common with Peer Gynt
+without being in any way an imitation or a duplicate. He is a
+dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged injustice, a rebel
+against the very powers that invisibly move the universe, and a
+passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as a joyful
+battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor and
+charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any
+poetic gift in the narrower sense.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of
+volumes that simply marked a further development of the tendencies
+shown in his first novels: "Siesta," short stories, 1897;
+"Victoria" a novel with a charming love story that embodies the
+tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In Wonderland," travelling
+sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood," short stories, 1903;
+"The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904; "Dreamers," a novel,
+1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and travelling sketches,
+1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906; "Benoni," and
+"Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to "Pan," 1908;
+"A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909; and "The Last
+Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere uncoordinated
+reflections, 1912.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The later part of this output seemed to
+indicate a lack of development, a failure to open up new vistas,
+that caused many to fear that the principal contributions of Hamsun
+already lay behind him. Then appeared in 1913 a big novel,
+"Children of the Time," which in many ways struck a new note,
+although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is now
+wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has
+crossed the meridian at last and become an observer rather than a
+fighter and doer. Nor is he the central figure to the same extent
+as Lieutenant Glahn in "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life
+pictured is the life of a certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor,
+and later the town of Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two
+isolated individuals. One might almost say that Hamsun's vision has
+become social at last, were it not for his continued accentuation
+of the irreconcilable conflict between the individual and the
+group.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>"Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of
+the Soil"--the title ought to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918
+continue along the path Hamsun entered by "Children of the Time."
+The scene is laid in his beloved Northland, but the old primitive
+life is going--going even in the outlying districts, where the
+pioneers are already breaking ground for new permanent settlements.
+Business of a modern type has arrived, and much of the quiet humor
+displayed in these the latest and maturest of Hamsun's works
+springs from the spectacle of its influence on the natives, whose
+hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose credulity in
+face of the improbable was only surpassed by their unwillingness to
+believe anything reasonable. Still the life he pictures is largely
+primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist, and to us of the
+crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely found in books
+today. With it goes an understanding of human nature which is no
+less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth
+birthday anniversary. He is as strong and active as ever, burying
+himself most of the time on his little estate in the heart of the
+country that has become to such a peculiar extent his own. There is
+every reason to expect from him works that may not only equal but
+surpass the best of his production so far. But even if such
+expectations should prove false, the body of his work already
+accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living
+writers. To the English-speaking world he has so far been made
+known only through the casual publication at long intervals of a
+few of his books: "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered
+in the list above as "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe
+that this negligence will be remedied, and that soon the best of
+Hamsun's work will be available in English. To the American and
+English publics it ought to prove a welcome tonic because of its
+very divergence from what they commonly feed on. And they may
+safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a poet and laughing
+dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his thinking is
+suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant it to be
+anything else.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro">EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part I</h2>
+
+<p>It was during the time I wandered about and starved in
+Christiania: Christiania, this singular city, from which no man
+departs without carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike
+six. It was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up
+and down the stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was
+papered with old numbers of the <em>Morgenbladet</em>, I could
+distinguish clearly a notice from the Director of Lighthouses, and
+a little to the left of that an inflated advertisement of Fabian
+Olsens' new-baked bread.</p>
+
+<p>The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit,
+to think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been
+somewhat hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings
+had been taken to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A
+few times I had kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then,
+when luck had favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for
+a feuilleton from some newspaper or other.</p>
+
+<p>It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the
+advertisements near the door. I could even make out the grinning
+lean letters of "winding- sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on
+the right of it. That occupied me for a long while. I heard the
+clock below strike eight as I got up and put on my clothes.</p>
+
+<p>I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I
+had a view of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay
+the ruins of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy
+clearing away. I leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame
+and gazed into open space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn,
+that tender, cool time of the year, when all things change their
+colour, and die, had come to us. The ever- increasing noise in the
+streets lured me out. The bare room, the floor of which rocked up
+and down with every step I took across it, seemed like a gasping,
+sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the door, either,
+and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them a
+little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with
+was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the
+evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds
+moaned up through the floor and from out the walls, and the
+<em>Morgenbladet</em> near the door was rent in strips a span
+long.</p>
+
+<p>I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the
+bed for a bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the
+window.</p>
+
+<p>God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again
+avail me aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt
+noes, the cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that
+always resulted in nothing had done my courage to death. As a last
+resource, I had applied for a place as debt collector, but I was
+too late, and, besides, I could not have found the fifty shillings
+demanded as security. There was always something or another in my
+way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire Brigade. There we
+stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred men, thrusting
+our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery, whilst an
+inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt their
+arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by,
+merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my
+sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted
+brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me
+by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I
+could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a respectable
+man.</p>
+
+<p>How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for
+a long time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every
+conceivable thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to
+read, when things grew all too sad with me. All through the summer,
+up in the churchyards or parks, where I used to sit and write my
+articles for the newspapers, I had thought out column after column
+on the most miscellaneous subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies,
+conceits of my restless brain; in despair I had often chosen the
+most remote themes, that cost me long hours of intense effort, and
+never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set to work at
+another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I used
+to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and
+really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with
+something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing- stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went
+out. I stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract
+my landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had
+fallen due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise
+it).</p>
+
+<p>It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices
+filled the air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps
+of the pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The
+clamorous traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to
+feel more and more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention
+than to merely take a morning walk in the open air. What had the
+air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray
+with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome
+happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to observing the
+people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on the
+wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a
+passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that
+crossed or vanished from my path impress me.</p>
+
+<p>If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day!
+The sense of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction
+became ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum
+joyfully.</p>
+
+<p>At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for
+dinner. As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth
+in the front of her head. I had become so nervous and easily
+affected in the last few days that the woman's face made a
+loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow snag looked like a
+little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was still full
+of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all
+appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the
+market- place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked
+up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.</p>
+
+<p>I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling
+myself about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned
+off into a side street without having any errand there. I simply
+let myself go, wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging
+myself care-free to and fro amongst other happy human beings. This
+air was clear and bright and my mind too was without a shadow.</p>
+
+<p>For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He
+carried a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all
+his strength in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear
+how he panted from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might
+offer to bear his bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to
+overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and
+hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had not the
+slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than
+that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a
+blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.</p>
+
+<p>Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be
+beholden to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very
+day I might commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity,"
+"Freedom of Will," or what not, at any rate, something worth
+reading, something for which I would at least get ten shillings....
+And at the thought of this article I felt myself fired with a
+desire to set to work immediately and to draw from the contents of
+my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place to write in the
+park and not rest until I had completed my article.</p>
+
+<p>But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling
+movements ahead of me up the street. The sight of this infirm
+creature constantly in front of me, commenced to irritate me--his
+journey seemed endless; perhaps he had made up his mind to go to
+exactly the same place as I had, and I must needs have him before
+my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to me that he
+slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if waiting to
+see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would again
+swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep
+ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more
+and more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little
+by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful
+morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a
+great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a place
+in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we reached
+the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an
+opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some
+minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of
+me--he too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I
+made three or four furious onward strides, caught him up, and
+slapped him on the shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly.
+"A halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.</p>
+
+<p>So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said:
+"For milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't
+really know how much you are in need of it."</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't
+got a farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you an artisan?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; a binder."</p>
+
+<p>"A what?"</p>
+
+<p>"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some,
+minutes and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few
+pence."</p>
+
+<p>I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never
+been before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my
+waistcoat, rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I
+went upstairs and knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering,
+and threw the waistcoat on the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"One-and-six," said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was
+beginning to be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part
+with it."</p>
+
+<p>I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all
+things, pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have
+money enough over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my
+thesis on the "Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find
+existence more alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid
+of him.</p>
+
+<p>"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."</p>
+
+<p>The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was
+he standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly
+examined the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery
+bored me. Did the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I
+looked? Had I not as good as begun to write an article for
+half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever for the future. I
+had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was it of an
+utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely
+day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a
+good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders,
+and said:</p>
+
+<p>"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of
+staring at a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."</p>
+
+<p>He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth
+widely; something was working in that empty pate of his, and he
+evidently came to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some
+way, for he handed me back the money. I stamped on the pavement,
+and, swearing at him, told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was
+going to all that trouble for nothing? If all came to all, perhaps
+I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected an old debt; he
+was standing before an honest man, honourable to his
+finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were
+needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!</p>
+
+<p>I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and
+I could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and
+stopped before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with
+eatables, and I decided to go in and get something to take with
+me.</p>
+
+<p>"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my
+sixpence on to the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman
+ironically, without looking up at me.</p>
+
+<p>"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.</p>
+
+<p>I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the
+utmost politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the
+park.</p>
+
+<p>I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such
+a square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal
+over me that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose
+mightily. I could no longer be satisfied with writing an article
+about anything so simple and straight- ahead as the "Crimes of
+Futurity," that any ass might arrive at, ay, simply deduct from
+history. I felt capable of a much greater effort than that; I was
+in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided on a
+treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This
+would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some
+of Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials
+to commence work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I
+had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my
+waistcoat pocket.</p>
+
+<p>Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting
+me today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a
+couple of turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around
+me; down near the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling
+their perambulators; otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere
+in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and
+down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely awry things seemed
+to go! To think that an article in three sections should be
+downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a pennyworth
+of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle Street
+and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a
+good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill
+the parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on
+"Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no
+one could say; and I told myself it might be of the greatest
+possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I would not
+lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I would
+only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I came
+to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....</p>
+
+<p>At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look
+in the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole
+day; it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my
+pleasant hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.</p>
+
+<p>I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch
+my pencil from the pawnbroker's.</p>
+
+<p>As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom
+I passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the
+arm. I looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she
+blushes, and, becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why
+she blushes; maybe at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe
+only at some lurking thought of her own. Or can it be because I
+touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently several
+times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her
+parasol. What has come to her?</p>
+
+<p>I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the
+moment, go no further; the whole thing struck me as being so
+singular. I was in a tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on
+account of the pencil incident, and in a high degree disturbed by
+all the food I had taken on a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my
+thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a singular direction. I
+feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this lady afraid; to
+follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her again, pass
+her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order to
+observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the
+spur of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a
+name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite
+close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:</p>
+
+<p>"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat
+audibly as I said it.</p>
+
+<p>"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.</p>
+
+<p>My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time,
+I was fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being
+able to stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I
+was inspired with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as
+they came to me. I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told
+myself that I was playing the fool. I made the most idiotic
+grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed frantically as I
+passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly, and always a
+few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and involuntarily
+put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance. By
+degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away
+in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who
+was going along over the gravel hanging my head.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had
+already stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step
+forward and repeat:</p>
+
+<p>"You are losing your book, madam!"</p>
+
+<p>"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what
+book it is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.</p>
+
+<p>I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute
+perplexity in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot
+grasp my short, passionate address. She has no book with her; not a
+single page of a book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks
+down repeatedly at her hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the
+streets behind her, exerts her sensitive little brain to the utmost
+in trying to discover what book it is I am talking about. Her face
+changes colour, has now one, now another expression, and she is
+breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on her gown seem to
+stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the
+arm. "He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"</p>
+
+<p>Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey
+to peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me
+without my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the
+street towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he
+had on a very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street
+a window opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out
+of it, with her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on
+the outside. Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and
+ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming
+distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong light.
+The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and
+a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were
+sisters.</p>
+
+<p>They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together.
+I stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road
+as they had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of
+University Street and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the
+time as close at their heels as I dared to be. They turned round
+once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw
+no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it.</p>
+
+<p>This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made
+me lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of
+sheer gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of
+them until they entered some place safely and disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again
+before going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and
+listened for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the
+second floor. I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the
+house. Then something odd happened. The curtains above were
+stirred, and a second after a window opened, a head popped out, and
+two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered,
+half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.</p>
+
+<p>Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these
+flower-pots and strike me on the head, or send some one down to
+drive me away? We stand and look into one another's eyes without
+moving; it lasts a minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the
+street, and not a word is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench
+in me, a delicate shock through my senses; I see a shoulder that
+turns, a back that disappears across the floor. That reluctant
+turning from the window, the accentuation in that movement of the
+shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of all the
+delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad. Then
+I wheeled round and went down the street.</p>
+
+<p>I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the
+window. The more I considered this question the more nervous and
+restless I became. Probably at this very moment she was standing
+watching closely all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to
+know that you are being watched from behind your back. I pulled
+myself together as well as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs
+began to jerk under me, my gait became unsteady just because I
+purposely tried to make it look well. In order to appear at ease
+and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw my head
+well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing
+eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I
+escaped down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle
+Street to get my pencil.</p>
+
+<p>I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the
+waistcoat himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through
+all the pockets. I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I
+pocketed as I thanked the obliging little man for his civility. I
+was more and more taken with him, and grew all of a sudden
+extremely anxious to make a favourable impression on this person. I
+took a turn towards the door and then back again to the counter as
+if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an
+explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to
+hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in
+my hand, I held it up and said:</p>
+
+<p>"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for
+any and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a
+different matter; there Was another reason, a special reason.
+Insignificant as it looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me
+what I was in the world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no
+more. The man had come right over to the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.</p>
+
+<p>"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I
+wrote my dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three
+volumes." Had he never heard mention of it?</p>
+
+<p>Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the
+title.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really
+not be astonished that I should be desirous of having the little
+bit of pencil back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it;
+why, it was almost as much to me as a little human creature. For
+the rest I was honestly grateful to him for his civility, and I
+would bear him in mind for it. Yes, truly, I really would. A
+promise was a promise; that was the sort of man I was, and he
+really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door with the
+bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high
+position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice
+profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.</p>
+
+<p>On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand,
+who squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and
+I voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give
+her, and looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my
+head down. I heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm
+over it, and I recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one
+rapped on the door with his knuckles.</p>
+
+<p>The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town
+began to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl
+Johann Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make
+myself look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances
+who had taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to
+gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a
+reverie.</p>
+
+<p>How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant
+heads, and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room!
+There was no sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any
+shoulder, perhaps not even a clouded thought, not a little hidden
+pain in any of the happy souls. And I, walking in the very midst of
+these people, young and newly-fledged as I was, had already
+forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these thoughts to
+myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been done
+me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I
+failed to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the
+most singular annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on
+a bench by myself or set my foot any place without being assailed
+by insignificant accidents, miserable details, that forced their
+way into my imagination and scattered my powers to all the four
+winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in a man's
+buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy
+me for a length of time.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned
+against me? But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just
+as well against a man in South America? When I considered the
+matter over, it grew more and more incomprehensible to me that I of
+all others should be selected as an experiment for a Creator's
+whims. It was, to say the least of it, a peculiar mode of procedure
+to pass over a whole world of other humans in order to reach me.
+Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or Hennechen the
+steam agent?</p>
+
+<p>As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of
+it. I found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's
+arbitrariness in letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even
+after I had found a seat and sat down, the query persisted in
+occupying me, and prevented me from thinking of aught else. From
+the day in May when my ill-luck began I could so clearly notice my
+gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it were, too
+languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of
+tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed
+me out.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got
+up and paced backwards and forwards before the seat.</p>
+
+<p>My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of
+torture, I had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them
+in the usual way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last
+full meal; I was oversated, and walked backwards and forwards
+without looking up. The people who came and went around me glided
+past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was taken up by two men,
+who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I got angry and
+was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel and went
+right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat
+down.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the
+highest degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought
+for a place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was
+but imploring enough for a daily meal.</p>
+
+<p>I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for
+any length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently
+out of my head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and
+far off, I no longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a
+consciousness that my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked
+at anything.</p>
+
+<p>I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew
+more and more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If
+He meant to draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting
+me and placing obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure
+Him He made a slight mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I
+looked up towards Heaven and told Him so mentally, once and for
+all.</p>
+
+<p>Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my
+memory. The rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears,
+and I talked quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly
+askew. Wherefore should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink,
+or for what I may array this miserable food for worms called my
+earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly Father provided for me, even as
+for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath He not in His
+graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord stuck His
+finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory
+fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then
+the Lord withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate
+root-like filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the
+nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a gaping hole after
+the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my brain in the
+track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His finger,
+He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall me;
+but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of
+all Eternity.</p>
+
+<p>The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the
+Students' Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my
+writing materials to try to write something, and at the same time
+my book of shaving-tickets <a name="fnr1"></a> <a href="#fn1"
+class="fnsuper">1</a> fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and
+counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of
+weeks, and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a
+better frame of mind on account of this little property which still
+remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the
+book safely into my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur
+to me; my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull
+myself together enough for any special exertion.</p>
+
+<p>Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a
+fresh impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the
+paper and disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow
+harder and harder; to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves
+on their backs, make themselves heavy, and fight against me until
+their slender legs bend. They are not to be moved from the spot;
+they find something to hook on to, set their heels against a comma
+or an unevenness in the paper, or stand immovably still until they
+themselves think fit to go their way.</p>
+
+<p>These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I
+crossed my legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of
+high clarionet notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my
+thoughts a new impulse.</p>
+
+<p>Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I
+replaced the paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At
+this instant my head is so clear that I can follow the most
+delicate train of thought without tiring. As I lie in this
+position, and let my eyes glide down my breast and along my legs, I
+notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time my pulse beats.
+I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at this
+moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt
+before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks
+of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of
+my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part
+of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I
+have a feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising
+towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched
+my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this
+ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect
+consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and
+closed my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears.</p>
+
+<p>As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study
+their looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their
+shape and their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and
+white seams give them expression--impart a physiognomy to them.
+Something of my own nature had gone over into these shoes; they
+affected me, like a ghost of my other I-- a breathing portion of my
+very self.</p>
+
+<p>I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an
+entire hour. A little, old man came and took the other end of the
+seat; as he seated himself he panted after his walk, and
+muttered:</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept
+through my head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the
+distracted phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a
+long-vanished period, maybe a year or two back, and was about to be
+quietly effaced from my memory. I began to observe the old
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p>Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not
+in the very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his
+hand, an old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside),
+in which something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity
+was aroused, and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The
+insane idea entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar
+newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began
+to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds,
+dangerous documents stolen from some archive or other; something
+floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy.</p>
+
+<p>The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his
+newspaper as every other person carries a paper, with its name out?
+What species of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either
+to like letting his package out of his hands, not for anything in
+the world; perhaps he did not even dare trust it into his own
+pocket. I could stake my life there was something at the bottom of
+that package--I considered a bit. Just the fact of finding it so
+impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair distracted me with
+curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer the man in
+order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my
+shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to
+be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I offer you a cigarette?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to
+spare his eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the
+same. Was it long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he
+could not read either, not even a paper?</p>
+
+<p>No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at
+me; his weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a
+glassy appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting
+impression on me.</p>
+
+<p>"You are a stranger here?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in
+his hand?</p>
+
+<p>"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did
+not need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one
+slept, he could hear people in the next room breathing....</p>
+
+<p>"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"</p>
+
+<p>On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I
+lied involuntarily, without any object, without any <em>arrière
+pensée</em>, and I answered--</p>
+
+<p>"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."</p>
+
+<p>"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it.
+"What number do you live in?"</p>
+
+<p>Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about
+the newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear
+the thing up, at no matter what cost.</p>
+
+<p>"When you cannot read the paper, why--"</p>
+
+<p>"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without
+noticing my disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in
+No. 2; what is your landlord's name?"</p>
+
+<p>I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the
+spur of the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.</p>
+
+<p>"Happolati!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable
+of this difficult name.</p>
+
+<p>I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid
+name which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to
+it, and pretended to have heard it before.</p>
+
+<p>In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt
+my curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few
+grease spots on the paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and
+there was not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to
+remember he was."</p>
+
+<p>"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know;
+this man is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."</p>
+
+<p>I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it
+would not have roused his suspicions.</p>
+
+<p>"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head;
+agent for every possible thing going. Cranberries from China;
+feathers and down from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"</p>
+
+<p>"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly
+excited.</p>
+
+<p>This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me,
+and one lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again,
+forgot the newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively,
+and cut short the old fellow's talk.</p>
+
+<p>The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I
+would stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field
+grandly, and stop his mouth from sheer amazement.</p>
+
+<p>Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had
+invented?</p>
+
+<p>"What? Elec--"</p>
+
+<p>"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a
+perfectly extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in
+circulation; foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of
+regular mechanics to be employed; I had heard as many as seven
+hundred men."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.</p>
+
+<p>He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all
+that, he was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had
+expected to see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.</p>
+
+<p>I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the
+whole hog, hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for
+nine years in Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it
+means to be Minister of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than
+king here, or about the same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant,
+but Happolati had managed the whole thing, and was never at a loss.
+And I related about his daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who
+had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a couch of yellow
+roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I had, may
+the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life!</p>
+
+<p>"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an
+absent air, as he gazed at the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes
+like raw silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as
+seductive as a kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like
+a wine-ray right into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be
+so beautiful?" Did he imagine she was a messenger or something in
+the fire brigade? She was simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just
+inform him, a fairy tale.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet
+bored me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in
+utter seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign
+power or other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat
+bundle of paper lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the
+smallest desire to examine it or see what it contained. I was
+entirely absorbed in stories of my own which floated in singular
+visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my head, and I
+roared with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched
+himself, and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is
+said to own much property, this Happolati?"</p>
+
+<p>How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the
+rare name I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over
+every huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or
+forgot a syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck
+root on the instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged
+up in me against this creature whom nothing had the power to
+disturb and nothing render suspicious.</p>
+
+<p>I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for
+all that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."</p>
+
+<p>"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little
+astonished at my vehemence; and with that he grew silent.</p>
+
+<p>"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter
+creature ... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really
+fat?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man
+might perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered
+quite gently and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for
+words as if he feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.</p>
+
+<p>"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here
+stuffing you chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you
+don't even believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I
+never saw your match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What
+the devil ails you? Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been
+all this while thinking to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow,
+sitting here in my Sunday-best without even a case full of
+cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as yours is
+a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord
+strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you
+know that?"</p>
+
+<p>The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel
+from off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with
+the short, tottering steps of an old man.</p>
+
+<p>I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to
+shrink at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the
+impression came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life
+seen a more vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I
+had abused the creature before he left me.</p>
+
+<p>The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle
+lightly in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups
+near the parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators
+home. I was calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just
+laboured under quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker,
+more languid, and began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of
+bread I had eaten cause me any longer any particular distress. I
+leant against the back of the seat in the best of humours, closed
+my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the
+point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my
+shoulder and said:</p>
+
+<p>"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"</p>
+
+<p>"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position
+rising all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something;
+find some way or another out of it. To look for situations had been
+of no avail to me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a
+little old, and were written by people all too little known to be
+of much use; besides that, constant refusals all through the summer
+had somewhat disheartened me. At all events, my rent was due, and I
+must raise the wind for that; the rest would have to wait a
+little.</p>
+
+<p>Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand
+again, and I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each
+corner. If only now one single effervescing thought would grip me
+powerfully, and put words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours
+when I could write a long piece, without the least exertion, and
+turn it off capitally, too.</p>
+
+<p>I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I
+write this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait
+until a workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts
+flutter about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me
+downcast, sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to
+hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have
+received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in the
+fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling,
+murmuring, restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden
+existence of the whole insect world is astir for yet a little
+while. They poke their yellow heads up from the turf, lift their
+legs, feel their way with long feelers and then collapse suddenly,
+roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.</p>
+
+<p>Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the
+delicately blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle
+wanly sunwards, and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a
+sound as of errant silkworms.</p>
+
+<p>It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay,
+the roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic
+tinge, through their soft damask.</p>
+
+<p>I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.</p>
+
+<p>There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent
+staring me straight in the face.</p>
+
+<p>Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to
+them, and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an
+introduction. It would serve as a beginning to anything. A
+description of travel, a political leader, just as I thought
+fit--it was a perfectly splendid commencement for something or
+anything. So I took to seeking for some particular subject to
+handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple with, and I could
+find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion, disorder began to
+hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain positively
+snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light, buoyant,
+and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in
+my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be
+hollowed out from top and toe.</p>
+
+<p>In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this
+cry many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.</p>
+
+<p>The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a
+while longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded
+it up and put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no
+longer owned a waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat
+and thrust my hands in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went
+on.</p>
+
+<p>If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my
+landlady had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged
+to hang my head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could
+not do it again: the very next time I met those eyes I would give
+warning and account for myself honestly. Well, any way, things
+could not last long at this rate.</p>
+
+<p>On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put
+to flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat
+next him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate
+as he sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my
+conduct, but the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers
+looked like ten claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy
+bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing
+him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn,
+and his face did not move a muscle.</p>
+
+<p>And so I went on my way.</p>
+
+<p>As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to,
+to read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky
+enough to find one that I might try for.</p>
+
+<p>A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple
+of hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I
+noted my man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this
+place. I would demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence
+was ample, or perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the
+least.</p>
+
+<p>On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table,
+in which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as
+soon as I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a
+necessary request. Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.</p>
+
+<p>I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13
+Groenlandsleret, put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar
+at the corner. Then I returned to my room and sat down in the
+rocking-chair to think, whilst the darkness grew closer and closer.
+Sitting up late began to be difficult now.</p>
+
+<p>I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I
+opened my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five
+strokes of the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but
+sleep had down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought
+of a thousand things.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story
+strike me, delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before
+found the equal. I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and
+find that they are capital. Little by little others come and fit
+themselves to the preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up
+and snatch paper and pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as
+if a vein had burst in me; one word follows another, and they fit
+themselves together harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles
+on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain, and a
+wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed,
+and fill page after page, without a moment's pause.</p>
+
+<p>Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly
+that I miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down
+quickly enough, although I work with all my might. They continue to
+invade me; I am full of my subject, and every word I write is
+inspired.</p>
+
+<p>This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time
+before it comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages
+lying on my knees before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil
+aside, So sure as there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I
+saved. I jump out of bed and dress myself, It grows lighter. I can
+half distinguish the lighthouse director's announcement down near
+the door, and near the window it is already so light that I could,
+in case of necessity, see to write. I set to work immediately to
+make a fair copy of what I have written.</p>
+
+<p>An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates
+from these fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one
+good thing after another, and tell myself that this is the best
+thing I have ever read. My head swims with a sense of satisfaction;
+delight inflates me; I grow grandiose.</p>
+
+<p>I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess,
+for five shillings on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five
+shillings; on the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might
+be considered dirt- cheap, considering the quality of the
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As
+far as I was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the
+wayside, and I decided on half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the
+door, and could distinguish without particular trouble the
+skeleton-like letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet
+advertisement to the right of it. It was also a good while since
+the clock has struck seven.</p>
+
+<p>I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor.
+Everything well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather
+opportunely. This was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there
+were only common enough green curtains at the windows, and neither
+were there any pegs too many on the wall. The poor little
+rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality a mere attempt at a
+rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one might easily
+split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for a
+grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a
+boot- jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not
+adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not
+intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I had
+held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a
+den.</p>
+
+<p>Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket
+and re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my
+flitting. I took out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a
+few clean collars and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had
+occasionally carried home bread. I rolled my blanket up and
+pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I ransacked every
+corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind, and as I
+could not find anything, went over to the window and looked
+out.</p>
+
+<p>The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the
+burnt-out smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched
+tightly from wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar
+to me, so I stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my
+arm, and made a low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement,
+bowed again to Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and
+opened the door. Suddenly the thought of my land-lady struck me;
+she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so that she could
+see she had had an honest soul to deal with.</p>
+
+<p>I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime
+in which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved
+for some time to come increased so strongly in me that I even
+promised her five shillings. I would call in some day when passing
+by.</p>
+
+<p>Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of
+person her roof had sheltered.</p>
+
+<p>I left the note behind me on the table.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant
+feeling of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and
+made me feel grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt
+down at the bedside and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to
+me that morning.</p>
+
+<p>I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just
+felt and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in
+answer to my yesterday's cry for aid.</p>
+
+<p>"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for
+enthusiasm over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen
+if any one was on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go.
+I stole noiselessly down each flight and reached the door
+unseen.</p>
+
+<p>The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in
+the early morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and
+there was no glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day
+would bring forth? I went as usual in the direction of the Town
+Hall, and saw that it was half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to
+walk about; there was no use in going to the newspaper office
+before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so long, and think,
+in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast. For that
+matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those times
+were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil
+dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!</p>
+
+<p>But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me.
+Neither could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a
+thing about right under people's eyes. What would any one think of
+me? And as I went on I tried to think of a place where I could have
+it kept till later on. It occurred to me that I might go into
+Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper; not only would it look
+better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying it.</p>
+
+<p>I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop
+boys.</p>
+
+<p>He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he
+took it; this annoyed me.</p>
+
+<p>"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two
+costly glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."</p>
+
+<p>This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every
+movement he made for not having guessed that there was something
+out of the common in this blanket. When he had finished packing it
+up I thanked him with the air of a man who had sent precious goods
+to Smyrna before now. He held the door open for me, and bowed twice
+as I left.</p>
+
+<p>I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place,
+kept from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The
+heavy crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and
+moist in the damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully
+to snatch one, and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse
+to approach as near to them as possible.</p>
+
+<p>If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things
+went; indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way
+of living to balance things again.</p>
+
+<p>It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office.
+"Scissors" is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has
+not come yet. On being asked my business, I delivered my weighty
+manuscript, lead him to suppose that it is something of more than
+uncommon importance, and impress upon his memory gravely that he is
+to give it into we editor's own hands as soon as he arrives.</p>
+
+<p>I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with
+his papers.</p>
+
+<p>It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly;
+but I said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and
+left.</p>
+
+<p>I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was
+perfectly wretched weather, without either wind or freshness.
+Ladies carried their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the
+woollen caps of the men looked limp and depressing.</p>
+
+<p>I took another turn across the market and looked at the
+vegetables and roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn
+round--"Missy" bids me good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in
+return, a little questioningly. I never cared particularly for
+"Missy."</p>
+
+<p>He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my
+arm, and asks:</p>
+
+<p>"What have you got there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I
+reply, in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any
+longer; there's such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."</p>
+
+<p>He looks at me with an amazed start.</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, beyond all expectation!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then you have got something to do now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I
+am book- keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success.
+If only you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn.
+Good-day!"</p>
+
+<p>A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with
+his cane to my parcel, says:</p>
+
+<p>"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You
+won't find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you,
+that's all!"</p>
+
+<p>This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he
+want to poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his
+which tailor I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified
+"masher" embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten
+shilling he had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I
+regretted that I had asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided
+meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I stepped
+hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to
+proceed on my way.</p>
+
+<p>What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit
+a cafe with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I
+could call on at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up
+town, killed a good deal of time between the marketplace and the
+Graendsen, read the <em>Aftenpost,</em> which was newly posted up
+on the board outside the office, took a turn down Carl Johann,
+wheeled round and went straight on to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where
+I found a quiet seat on the slope near the Mortuary Chapel.</p>
+
+<p>I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half- slept and shivered.</p>
+
+<p>And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a
+little masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have
+its faults here and there. All things well weighed, it was not
+certain that it would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It
+was perhaps mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright
+worthless. What security had I that it was not already at this
+moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My confidence was
+shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard.</p>
+
+<p>Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it
+was only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the
+editor before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy
+forebodings; the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed
+to me that I could have written anything useable with such
+suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of
+course I had deceived myself and been happy all through the long
+morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with hurried strides
+up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to the open
+fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste
+plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a
+country road, the end of which I could not see.</p>
+
+<p>Here I halted and decided to turn.</p>
+
+<p>I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast.
+I met two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of
+their loads, and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round,
+care-free faces. I passed them and thought to myself that they were
+sure to accost me, sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me
+some trick; and as I got near enough, one of them called out and
+asked what I had under my arm?</p>
+
+<p>"A blanket!"</p>
+
+<p>"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they
+both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a
+whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They
+couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand
+to my head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch,
+and continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who
+told me it was past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my
+pace, nearly ran down to the town, turned off towards the news
+office. Perhaps the editor had been there hours ago, and had left
+the office by now. I ran, jostled against folk, stumbled, knocked
+against cars, left everybody behind me, competed with the very
+horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in time. I wrenched
+through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and knocked.</p>
+
+<p>No answer.</p>
+
+<p>"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is
+open, knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his
+table, his face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write.
+When he hears my breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a
+quick look at me, shakes his head, and says:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."</p>
+
+<p>I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it,
+that I answer:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is
+no hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."</p>
+
+<p>I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up
+again in me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for
+that matter, yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance
+about a great council in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved
+that I should win--ay, triumphantly win ten shillings for a
+story.</p>
+
+<p>If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night!
+I consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this
+query that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I
+forget where I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in
+mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and roar about it.</p>
+
+<p>A newspaper boy offers me <em>The Viking</em>.</p>
+
+<p>"It's real good value, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly
+turn to the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and
+hurry down Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have
+seen me from the window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn
+round by the box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress.
+I find a seat once more, and begin to consider afresh.</p>
+
+<p>Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?</p>
+
+<p>Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide
+myself till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my
+lodging--besides, it could never really occur to me to go back on
+my word; I rejected this thought with great scorn, and I smiled
+superciliously as I thought of the little red rocking-chair. By
+some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly transported to a
+large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I could see a
+tray on the table, filled with great slices of bread-and- butter.
+The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a seductive piece
+of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver fork. The
+door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea....</p>
+
+<p>Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food
+now my head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my
+brain, and I would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I
+could not stomach food, my inclination did not lie that way; that
+was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy of mine.</p>
+
+<p>Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter.
+There was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the
+woods. I had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as
+yet, there was no degree of cold worth speaking of in the
+weather.</p>
+
+<p>And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and
+clumsy, broad- nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface,
+and scattered rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the
+smoke rolled up in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the
+stroke of the engine pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull
+sound. There was no sun and no wind; the trees behind me were
+almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was cold and damp.</p>
+
+<p>Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little
+shiver ran down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began
+to droop, and I let them droop....</p>
+
+<p>When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered
+and freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went
+faster and faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my
+legs--which by now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached
+the watch-house of the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had
+been asleep for several hours.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I
+stand there and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would
+not be possible to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I
+were to watch for a moment when the watchman's back was turned. I
+ascend the steps, and prepare to open a conversation with the man.
+He lifts his ax in salute, and waits for what I may have to say.
+The uplifted ax, with its edge turned against me, darts like a cold
+slash through my nerves. I stand dumb with terror before this armed
+man, and draw involuntarily back. I say nothing, only glide farther
+and farther away from him. To save appearances I draw my hand over
+my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other, and slink
+away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I had
+just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away.</p>
+
+<p>Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up
+Carl Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a
+whit as to whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament
+House, just near the first trees, I suddenly, by some association
+of ideas, bethought myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I
+had once saved from an assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had
+called later on. I snap my fingers gleefully, and wend my way to
+Tordenskjiolds Street, find the door, on which is fastened a card
+with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and knock.</p>
+
+<p>He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco
+that it was horrible.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening!" I say.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so
+late? It doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a
+hayrick to it since, and have made a few other alterations. You
+must see it by daylight; there is no use our trying to see it
+now!"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though,
+for that matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he
+was talking about.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look
+yellow; and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards
+me, whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's
+clearly impracticable."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."</p>
+
+<p>I drew back, said good-night, and went away.</p>
+
+<p>So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the
+woods. If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket,
+and felt more and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I
+had worried myself so long trying to find a shelter in town that I
+was wearied and bored with the whole affair. It would be a positive
+pleasure to get to rest, to resign myself; so I loaf down the
+street without thought in my head. At a place in Haegdehaugen I
+halted outside a provision shop where some food was displayed in
+the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French roll.
+There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the
+background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I
+had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued
+my tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always
+on--it seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's
+wood.</p>
+
+<p>I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began
+to look about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather
+and juniper leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where
+it was a bit dry. I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I
+was tired and exhausted with the long walk, and lay down at once. I
+turned and twisted many times before I could get settled. My ear
+pained me a little--it was slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and
+I could not lie on it. I pulled off my shoes and put them under my
+head, with the paper from Semb on top.</p>
+
+<p>And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ...
+everything was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed
+the everlasting song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless
+humming which is never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless
+faint murmur that it began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony
+from the rolling spheres above. Stars that intone a song....</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and
+I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in
+Canaan!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered
+about in the gloom, only to lay down once more. I fought and
+wrestled with anger and fear until nearly dawn, then fell asleep at
+last.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling
+that it was going on towards noon.</p>
+
+<p>I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out
+for town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like
+a dog, my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my
+eyes, as if they could not bear the daylight.</p>
+
+<p>It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in
+earnest. I was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I
+swung round by the Dampkökken, <a name="fnr2"></a> <a href="#fn2"
+class="fnsuper">2</a> read the bill of fare, and shrugged my
+shoulders in a way to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt
+port was not meet food for me. After that I went towards the
+railway station.</p>
+
+<p>A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse,
+and was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being
+underwent a change, as if something had slid aside in my inner
+self, or as if a curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.</p>
+
+<p>I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a
+little, and, as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once
+and got up and bowed.</p>
+
+<p>What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being
+added to the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden
+fields, or did it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet?
+Looking the whole thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning
+in living on in this manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't.
+I failed to see either how I had made myself deserving of this
+special persecution; and it suddenly entered my head that I might
+just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's" with the
+blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full meals,
+and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis
+true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to
+the pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head
+irresolutely, then turned back. The farther away I got the more
+gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had conquered this strong
+temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure and honourable
+rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of having
+principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a muddy,
+human sea amidst floating wreck.</p>
+
+<p>Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and
+drink one's self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first
+little scar, set the first black mark against one's honour, call
+one's self a blackguard to one's own face, and needs must cast
+one's eyes down before one's self? Never! never! It could never
+have been my serious intention--it had really never seriously taken
+hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for every loose,
+fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a headache as I
+had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that belonged to
+another fellow.</p>
+
+<p>There would surely be some way or another of getting help when
+the right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret.
+Had I importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my
+application? Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned
+away? Why, I had not even applied personally to him or sought an
+answer! It did not follow, surely, that it must needs be an
+absolutely vain attempt.</p>
+
+<p>Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a
+devious course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.</p>
+
+<p>The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me
+a little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would
+say to him.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay
+me for my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for
+it. People of that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.</p>
+
+<p>I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers
+with spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left
+the parcel behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and
+entered the little shop.</p>
+
+<p>A man is standing pasting together bags made of old
+newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"That's me!" replied the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty
+of sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any
+use.</p>
+
+<p>He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to
+laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast- pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you
+deal with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man
+roared with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a
+distraction, a want of thought; I admitted it.</p>
+
+<p>"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no
+mistakes in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is
+clear, and I like your letter, too, but--"</p>
+
+<p>I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final
+say. He busied himself again with the bags.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of
+course it would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little
+error could not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it
+had so much weight with me that I decided at once upon another
+man."</p>
+
+<p>"So the place is filled?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"</p>
+
+<p>"No! I'm sorry, but--"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my
+parcel from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the
+peaceful folk on the footpath, and never once asked their
+pardon.</p>
+
+<p>As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in
+his ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on,
+hardened by a blind rage that I could not control.</p>
+
+<p>He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have
+one between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace
+intentionally in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me;
+but he did not come. Was there now any reason whatever that
+absolutely every one of one's most earnest and most persevering
+efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written 1848? In what way did
+that infernal date concern me? Here I was going about starving, so
+that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and it was, as
+far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in the
+shape of food would turn up later on in the day.</p>
+
+<p>I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate;
+I was letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions,
+so that I lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people
+out of their rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making
+away with other men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p>Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores
+which spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and
+kept a watchful eye on me, and took heed that <em>my</em>
+destruction proceeded in accordance with all the rules of art,
+uniformly and gradually, without a break in the measure.</p>
+
+<p>But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with
+range because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal
+sin, an unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast
+me--down....</p>
+
+<p>I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly
+to the left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate
+doorway. I did not pause, not for one second, but the whole
+peculiar ornamentation of the entrance struck on my perception in a
+flash; every detail of the decoration and the tiling of the floor
+stood clear on my mental vision as I sprang up the stairs. I rang
+violently on the second floor. Why should I stop exactly on the
+second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell which was some
+little way from the stairs?</p>
+
+<p>A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and
+opened the door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me,
+then shook her head and said:</p>
+
+<p>"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to
+close the door.</p>
+
+<p>What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She
+took me without further ado for a beggar.</p>
+
+<p>I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a
+respectful bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with
+the utmost politeness:</p>
+
+<p>"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell
+was new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who
+has advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"</p>
+
+<p>She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and
+seemed to be irresolute in her summing up of my person.</p>
+
+<p>"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman
+living here."</p>
+
+<p>"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an
+hour?"</p>
+
+<p>"No!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps
+on the first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man
+I know, in whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," <a
+name="fnr3"></a> <a href="#fn3" class="fnsuper">3</a> and I bowed
+again and drew back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her
+embarrassment could not stir from the spot, but stood and stared
+after me as I descended the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's
+saying that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an
+icy shower. So it had gone so far with me that any one might point
+at me, and say to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those
+people who get their food handed out to them at folk's
+back-doors!"</p>
+
+<p>I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed
+the fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon
+the door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any
+fixed purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot.
+On reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a
+little, I found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all
+round outside the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the
+corner of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again,
+dragging one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before
+each shop window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by.
+I felt a scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated
+strangely in my temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me
+fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there to escape being
+noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my
+hands. In this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer
+felt the little gnawing in my chest.</p>
+
+<p>A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at
+the side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on,
+and reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost
+forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him.
+Tell him the truth right out, that things were getting awfully
+tight with me now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I
+could give him my shaving- tickets.</p>
+
+<p>Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I
+search nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them
+quickly enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear.
+I discover them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together
+with other papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.</p>
+
+<p>I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and
+forwards; I had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a
+notion of mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.</p>
+
+<p>I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of
+Kongsberg silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man
+outside the Opland Café between seven and eight.</p>
+
+<p>I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time
+went. The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me,
+and the day declined.</p>
+
+<p>After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving- tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a
+bank? Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of
+spick and span tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.</p>
+
+<p>Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I
+could let go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer
+him my tie? I could well do without it if I buttoned my coat
+tightly up, which, by the way, I was already obliged to do, as I
+had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a large overlapping bow which
+hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and folded it up in a
+piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the tickets. Then
+I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the Opland.</p>
+
+<p>It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard
+by the café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp
+watch on all who went in and came out of the door. At last, about
+eight o'clock, I saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed,
+coming up the hill and across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered
+like a little bird in my breast as I caught sight of him, and I
+blurted out, without even a greeting:</p>
+
+<p>"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the
+worth of it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he
+turned his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last
+night and got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally
+haven't got it."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I
+took his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should
+lie about such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue
+eyes were moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing.
+I drew back. "Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a
+bit hard up." I was already a piece down the street, when he called
+after me about the little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered;
+"you are welcome to it. There are only a few trifles in it--a
+bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so touched
+at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I
+fell a-weeping....</p>
+
+<p>The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens,
+and it grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried
+as I walked, down the whole street; felt more and more
+commiseration with myself, and repeated, time after time, a few
+words, an ejaculation, which called forth fresh tears whenever they
+were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord
+God, I feel so wretched!"</p>
+
+<p>An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such
+weariness. I spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps,
+stole into doorways, and when any one approached, stood and stared
+absently into the shops where people bustled about with wares or
+money. At last I found myself a sheltered place, behind a deal
+hoarding, between the church and the bazaar.</p>
+
+<p>No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things
+must take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was
+such an endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could,
+and remain where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk
+round the church. I would not in any case worry myself any more
+about that, and I leant back and dozed.</p>
+
+<p>The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of
+the pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the
+windows about the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became
+aware of a figure standing in front of me. The flash of shining
+buttons told me it was a policeman, though I could not see the
+man's face.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.</p>
+
+<p>"Where do you live?" he queried.</p>
+
+<p>I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the
+little attic.</p>
+
+<p>He stood for a while.</p>
+
+<p>"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be
+getting home now; it's cold lying here."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said
+good-night, and instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I
+only set about it carefully, I might be able to get upstairs
+without being heard; there were eight steps in all, and only the
+two top ones creaked under my tread. Down at the door I took off my
+shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I could hear the slow
+tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little. After that I
+heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was
+accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly
+after me.</p>
+
+<p>Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside
+from the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a
+note lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the
+landlady--she might never have been up here since I went away.</p>
+
+<p>I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written
+letters of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I
+thought, an answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the
+room again if I were for sneaking back.</p>
+
+<p>Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one
+hand, the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw
+myself up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get
+happily down the stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on
+my shoes, take my time with the laces, sit a while quietly after
+I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me, holding the letter in my
+hand. Then I get up and go.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the
+street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel against the
+lamp-post and open the letter. All this with the utmost
+deliberation. A stream of light, as it were, darts through my
+breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of
+joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was accepted--had
+been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked
+out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the
+street, stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into
+space at nothing in particular. And time went.</p>
+
+<p>All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part II</h2>
+
+<p>A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out
+in a churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers.
+But whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and
+darkness closed in, and time for shutting the gates.</p>
+
+<p>I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck,
+lasted all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I
+had eaten anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil
+even had taxed me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of
+keys in my pocket, but not a farthing.</p>
+
+<p>When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight
+home, but, from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's
+workshop, where all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had
+got permission to occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed,
+not caring where I went, the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over
+to a scat near the railway bridge.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my
+distress, and felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay
+peaceful and lovely in the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would
+please myself by reading through the bit I had just written, and
+which seemed to my suffering head the best thing I had ever
+done.</p>
+
+<p>I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it,
+held it close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the
+other. At last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket.
+Everything was still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness,
+and little birds flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a
+soul visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.</p>
+
+<p>I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of
+keys, but not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take
+the papers out again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious
+nervous twitch. I selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows
+where I got the notion from--but I made a cornet, closed it
+carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled with something,
+and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew it onward
+a little, and then it lay still.</p>
+
+<p>By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and
+looked at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be
+bursting with shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe
+that it really did contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite
+audibly to guess the sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be
+mine.</p>
+
+<p>I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the
+thick fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money!
+I sat and gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go
+and steal it.</p>
+
+<p>Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do
+the same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times
+so that he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes.
+I sat and laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and
+swore with rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will
+get, the dog! Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to
+sink into hell's hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with
+starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron
+heels on the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he
+has the whole night before him; he does not notice the paper
+bag--not till he comes quite close to it. Then he stops and stares
+at it. It looks so white and so full as it lies there; perhaps a
+little sum--what? A little sum of silver money?... and he picks it
+up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an expensive feather;
+some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his big hands,
+and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and laughed,
+like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter
+was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears.</p>
+
+<p>Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman
+took a turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in
+my eyes, and hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with
+feverish merriment. I commenced to talk aloud to myself all about
+the cornet, imitated the poor policeman's movements, peeped into my
+hollow hand, and repeated over and over again to myself, "He
+coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he threw it away." I
+added new words to these, gave them additional point, changed the
+whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed
+once--Kheu heu!</p>
+
+<p>I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy
+quiet overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to
+resist. The darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed
+the pearl-blue sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see
+outlined against the sky, looked with their black hulls like
+voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no
+pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt
+pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not
+to be noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant
+back. Thus I could best appreciate the well-being of perfect
+isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not a feeling of
+discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a whim, not
+a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of utter
+absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a sound
+disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice
+of silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters
+out there will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear
+me far across the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells,
+and they will bear me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an
+undreamt-of grandeur awaits me, greater than that of any other man.
+And she herself will be sitting in a dazzling hall where all is
+amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will stretch out her
+hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I approach and
+kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have waited
+twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights.
+And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have
+breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds
+of people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred
+tender maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all
+is of emerald; and here the sun shines.</p>
+
+<p>In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and
+rills of perfume are wafted towards me.</p>
+
+<p>I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of
+enchantment shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her,
+and she whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a
+crimson room, where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I
+faint.</p>
+
+<p>Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."</p>
+
+<p>I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my
+thoughts are swept away in a hurricane of light....</p>
+
+<p>I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the
+policeman. There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My
+first feeling was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open
+air; but this was quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was
+near crying with sorrow at being still alive. It had rained whilst
+I slept, and my clothes were soaked through and through, and I felt
+a damp cold in my limbs.</p>
+
+<p>The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.</p>
+
+<p>"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."</p>
+
+<p>I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I
+would have obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly
+without strength; added to that, I was almost instantly aware of
+the pangs of hunger again.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're
+walking off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go
+on."</p>
+
+<p>"I indeed thought there was something--something I had
+forgotten," I stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I
+stumbled away.</p>
+
+<p>If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious
+little brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along
+the street; and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of
+brown bread that would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was
+bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and
+wept.</p>
+
+<p>There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the
+street, stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he
+called me? A "Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a
+"Juggins" means. I turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with
+anger. Down the street I stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to
+it, jumped up again, and ran on. But by the time I reached the
+railway station I had become so tired that I did not feel able to
+proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my anger had
+cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath.
+Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what
+such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything.
+Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I
+found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He
+knew no better"; and with that I returned again.</p>
+
+<p>"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take
+into your head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet
+streets on dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me
+excruciatingly, and gave me no rest. Again and again I swallowed
+saliva to try and satisfy myself a little; I fancied it helped.</p>
+
+<p>I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before
+this last period set in, and my strength had diminished
+considerably of late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five
+shillings by some manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time
+with difficulty; not long enough for me to be restored to health
+before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again. My back and
+shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little
+gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward
+as I walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever
+was the reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not
+just as much entitled to live as any one else? for example, as
+Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders
+like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I not, in
+sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden in
+order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten
+bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little,
+and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a
+suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over
+a tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last
+winter, because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the
+whole thing; not a bit of it.</p>
+
+<p>I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as
+much as a spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.</p>
+
+<p>I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to
+read the labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed
+with myself over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not
+being able to make out what these tins held,--I rapped twice
+sharply on the window and went on.</p>
+
+<p>Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close
+up to him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten
+o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning
+with anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist,
+and said, "Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"</p>
+
+<p>He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared
+aghast at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's
+about time ye were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a
+bit?"</p>
+
+<p>I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness.
+I felt that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a
+café. Thank you very much all the same!"</p>
+
+<p>He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had
+not even a little coin to give him.</p>
+
+<p>I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I
+struck my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my
+sight, I cried more violently.</p>
+
+<p>I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of
+abuse with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I
+was nearly home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped
+my keys.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my
+keys? Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable
+underneath and a tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at
+night, and no one, no one can open it; therefore, why should I not
+lose my keys?</p>
+
+<p>"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a
+little hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees;
+therefore, why should I not lose them?</p>
+
+<p>"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to
+Aker by the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I
+laughed to myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.</p>
+
+<p>I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my
+window above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get
+in.</p>
+
+<p>It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to
+my shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I
+would ask the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a
+constable, and earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in,
+if he could.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The
+police keys were not there; they were kept in the Detective
+Department.</p>
+
+<p>What was I to do then?</p>
+
+<p>Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!</p>
+
+<p>But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not
+money, I had been out--in a café ... he knew....</p>
+
+<p>We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and
+examined my personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents
+outside.</p>
+
+<p>"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself
+as homeless!" said he.</p>
+
+<p>Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a
+capital idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the
+suggestion. Could I simply go in and say I was homeless?</p>
+
+<p>"Just that."...</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Your name?" inquired the guard.</p>
+
+<p>"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"</p>
+
+<p>I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about
+disconnectedly and inspired me with many singular whims, more than
+I knew what to do with. I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the
+spur of the moment, and blurted it out without any calculation. I
+lied without any occasion for doing so.</p>
+
+<p>"Occupation?"</p>
+
+<p>This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation!
+what was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a
+tinker--but I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that
+was not common to every and any tinker--besides, I wore
+<em>pince-nez</em>. It suddenly entered my head to be foolhardy. I
+took a step forward and said firmly, almost solemnly:</p>
+
+<p>"A journalist."</p>
+
+<p>The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood
+as important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It
+roused no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I
+hesitated a little before answering. What did it look like to see a
+journalist in the night guard-house without a roof over his
+head?</p>
+
+<p>"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"</p>
+
+<p>"<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" said I. "I have been out a little too
+late this evening, more's the shame!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when
+young people are out ... we understand!"</p>
+
+<p>Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely
+to me, "Show this gentleman up to the reserved section.
+Good-night!"</p>
+
+<p>I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched
+my hands to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>. I knew Friele could show his teeth when he
+liked, and I was reminded of that by the grinding of the key
+turning in the lock.</p>
+
+<p>"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at
+the door.</p>
+
+<p>"And then does it go out?"</p>
+
+<p>"Then it goes out!"</p>
+
+<p>I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The
+bright cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well
+sheltered; and listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I
+couldn't wish myself anything better than such a cosy cell. My
+contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with
+eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave myself up to
+thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the police.
+This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them?
+"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in
+the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door- key and a
+pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up
+to the reserved section!"...</p>
+
+<p>All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.</p>
+
+<p>I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the
+white walls-- nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed,
+and I undressed.</p>
+
+<p>But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to
+me. I lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of
+gloom that had no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.</p>
+
+<p>It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its
+presence oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my
+breath, and tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to
+no purpose. The darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and
+left me not a moment in peace. Supposing I were myself to be
+absorbed in darkness; made one with it?</p>
+
+<p>I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous
+condition has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no
+matter how much I tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to
+the most singular fantasies, listening to myself crooning
+lullabies, sweating with the exertion of striving to hush myself to
+rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in all the days of my
+life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I found myself
+here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate element
+to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous
+thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.</p>
+
+<p>A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me
+greatly--a nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow
+into it, and try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not
+at all. It was a downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I
+must guard against! Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely
+beside myself with curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize
+hold of my penknife in order to gauge its depth, and convince
+myself that it does not reach right into the next wall.</p>
+
+<p>I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to
+wrestle again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I
+could not hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for
+footsteps in the street, and got no peace until I heard a
+pedestrian go by--to judge from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I
+snap my fingers many times and laugh: "That was the very deuce!
+Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word. I rise up in bed
+and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered it. 'Kuboa.'
+It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you have
+discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import."</p>
+
+<p>I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy.
+Then I begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended
+to keep my discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of
+hunger. I was empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my
+thoughts.</p>
+
+<p>In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most
+singular jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning
+of my new word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or
+the Tivoli; <a name="fnr4"></a> <a href="#fn4" class=
+"fnsuper">4</a> and who said that it was to signify cattle show? I
+clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it
+was to signify cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not
+absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It
+was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I
+would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it.</p>
+
+<p>I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say
+nothing; give vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes
+pass over, and I wax nervous; this new word torments me
+unceasingly, returns again and again, takes up my thoughts, and
+makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion as to what it
+should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what it
+should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to
+myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a
+matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was
+the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me
+from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for this
+unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my head
+in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have
+meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long since
+and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to
+signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not
+apprehend it? and I reflect profoundly in order to find something
+psychical. Then it seems to me that some one is interposing,
+interrupting my confab. I answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match
+in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to
+hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask why should I be
+forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a special
+dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the
+word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right
+in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware,
+I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....</p>
+
+<p>But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of
+bed to look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was
+in a fever, and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had
+drunk some I got into bed again, and determined with all my might
+to settle to sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep
+quiet. I lay thus for some minutes without making a movement,
+sweated and felt my blood jerk violently through my veins. No, it
+was really too delicious the way he thought to find money in the
+paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he is pacing
+up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue sea ...
+the ships....</p>
+
+<p>I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not
+sleep? The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable
+black eternity which my thoughts strove against and could not
+understand. I made the most despairing efforts to find a word black
+enough to characterize this darkness; a word so horribly black that
+it would darken my lips if I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I
+am carried back in thought to the sea and the dark monsters that
+lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and clutch me
+tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms that
+no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters,
+hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.</p>
+
+<p>I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had
+made such a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a
+bolt. Oh, did I not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands
+against the wooden frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to
+myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for a while and thought over
+that I was to die.</p>
+
+<p>Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word,
+am I not absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to
+signify?"... I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it
+now whilst I was talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and
+prostration, but I was not out of my senses. All at once the
+thought darted through my brain that I was insane. Seized with
+terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to the door, which I
+try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times to burst it,
+strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my fingers,
+cry and curse....</p>
+
+<p>All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had
+fallen to the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any
+longer.</p>
+
+<p>Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes,
+of a greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a
+presage--it must be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt
+it through every pore in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of
+delighted relief! I flung myself flat on the floor and cried for
+very joy over this blessed glimpse of light, sobbed for very
+gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself like a
+maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was
+doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had
+ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought
+reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my
+hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.</p>
+
+<p>What a night this had been!</p>
+
+<p>That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment.
+But then I was in the reserved section, high above all the
+prisoners. A homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.</p>
+
+<p>Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the
+lighter, ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting
+Cabinet Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech
+in a dress of red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far
+less nervous. If I only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my
+pocket-book at home! Might I not have the honour of assisting his
+Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in all seriousness,
+and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and lay
+down.</p>
+
+<p>By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree
+the outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of
+the door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating
+in its impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was
+broken; my blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes
+close.</p>
+
+<p>I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in
+all haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet
+through from last night.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said
+the constable.</p>
+
+<p>Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought
+with fear.</p>
+
+<p>Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat,
+all homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering
+clerk, and one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The
+officer on duty repeated constantly to the policeman at his side,
+"Did he get a ticket? Don't forget to give them tickets; they look
+as if they wanted a meal!"</p>
+
+<p>And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had
+one.</p>
+
+<p>"Andreas Tangen--journalist."</p>
+
+<p>I advanced and bowed.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"</p>
+
+<p>I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story
+as last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been
+out rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep
+well then?"</p>
+
+<p>I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet
+Minister!"</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up.
+"Good-morning."</p>
+
+<p>And I went!</p>
+
+<p>A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than
+three long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket,
+and I dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once.
+They would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and
+discover who I really was; they might arrest me for false
+pretences; and so, with elevated head, the carriage of a
+millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride out of
+the guard-house.</p>
+
+<p>The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and
+the traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I
+take? I slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I
+would try and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade,
+and watch the bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to
+steam. Hunger put in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast,
+clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.</p>
+
+<p>Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I
+ransack my memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to
+find him.</p>
+
+<p>Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm
+surrounded me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the
+Lier mountains.</p>
+
+<p>Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I
+found a chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To
+think that I hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the
+stable-boy bade me good-morning as usual.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine weather," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for
+the loan of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he
+could; besides that, I had written a letter for him once.</p>
+
+<p>He stood and turned something over in his mind before he
+ventured on saying it.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you
+wouldn't be so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only
+for a few days, sir. You did me a service once before, so you
+did."</p>
+
+<p>"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not
+now--perhaps later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up
+the stairs to my room.</p>
+
+<p>I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it
+was that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five
+shillings! God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me
+for five shares in the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">And the thought of these five shillings made me
+laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five
+shillings! My mirth increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a
+shocking smell of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly
+strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and I flung open the window
+to let out this beastly smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning
+to the table --this miserable table that I was forced to support
+with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am
+Tangen--Tangen, the Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out
+a little late ... the door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without
+rein in intricate paths. I was continually conscious that I talked
+at random, and yet I gave utterance to no word without hearing and
+understanding it. I said to myself, "Now you are talking at random
+again," and yet I could not help myself. It was as if one were
+lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep.</p>
+
+<p>My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my
+mood was unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no
+effort.</p>
+
+<p>"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby-- Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah,
+how passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your
+arms are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for
+a plate of beef!"</p>
+
+<p>The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the
+horses below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily,
+glad at heart as a child.</p>
+
+<p>I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really
+in my thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my
+blood to remember it, and I took it out.</p>
+
+<p>It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I
+took to wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything
+looked! Small scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor;
+there was not a chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare
+walls. Everything had been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A
+few sheets of paper lying on the table, covered with thick dust,
+were my sole possession; the old green blanket on the bed was lent
+to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my
+fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would certainly be
+very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on my hat
+in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and
+hurry downstairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly
+certain I can help you in the afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the
+office door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them
+carefully out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart
+beat audibly as I entered.</p>
+
+<p>"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the
+editor. No answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news
+amongst the provincial papers.</p>
+
+<p>I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.</p>
+
+<p>"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length,
+without looking up.</p>
+
+<p>How soon would he come?</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"</p>
+
+<p>How long would the office be open?</p>
+
+<p>To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave.
+"Scissors" had not once looked up at me during all this scene; he
+had heard my voice, and recognized me by it. You are in such bad
+odour here, thought I, that he doesn't even take the trouble to
+answer you. I wonder if that is an order of the editor's. I had,
+'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated story was
+accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to
+his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was
+obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to
+put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to
+Homandsbyen.</p>
+
+<p>Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student,
+living in the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli
+Pettersen was a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't
+stint it. I would get it just as sure as if I already held it in my
+hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as I went, over the shilling,
+and felt confident I would get it.</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to
+ring.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."</p>
+
+<p>"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the
+attic?" He had moved.</p>
+
+<p>Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters
+to be sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the
+number.</p>
+
+<p>I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask
+Hans Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to
+account. On the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple
+of joiners stood planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings
+from the heap, stuck one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket
+for by-and-by, and continued my journey.</p>
+
+<p>I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny
+loaf at a baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the
+price.</p>
+
+<p>"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"</p>
+
+<p>"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out
+there? Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of
+letters that had come for him?</p>
+
+<p>I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the
+joiners--who are sitting with their cans between their knees,
+eating their good warm dinner from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers,
+where the loaf is still in its place, and at length reach Bernt
+Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The door is open, and I mount
+all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the letters out of my
+pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on the moment
+of my entrance.</p>
+
+<p>He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when
+I explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli
+had such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I
+discovered his card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen,
+Theological Student, 'gone home.'"</p>
+
+<p>I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled
+with fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter,
+a couple of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly
+quiet. There was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a
+feeling of any kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the
+letters, without coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went
+over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and
+did not move a finger. This numb feeling of drowsiness was almost
+like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for
+him."</p>
+
+<p>"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after
+the holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them
+then when he came back; they might contain matters of importance.
+Good-morning."</p>
+
+<p>When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in
+the open street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one
+thing, my good Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously,
+with set teeth, up to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not
+a bungler."</p>
+
+<p>Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing
+my attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask,
+with an unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed
+also to him, my child?" It did not sound right!</p>
+
+<p>With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once
+again, "Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head,
+and I make my voice whine, and answer, No!</p>
+
+<p>That didn't sound right either.</p>
+
+<p>You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I
+have invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most
+piteous tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again!
+Come, that was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the
+colic. So--o! that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in
+hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed;
+rail at myself for being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished
+passers-by turn round and stare at me.</p>
+
+<p>I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as
+steadily as I could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was
+at the railway square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to
+half-past one. I stood for a bit and considered. A faint sweat
+forced itself out on my face, and trickled down my eyelids.
+Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to myself--that is to say,
+if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to myself, and turned
+towards the railway bridge near the wharf.</p>
+
+<p>The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There
+was bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay
+porters with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming
+from the prams. An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and
+bends her brown nose down over her wares. The little table before
+her is sinfully full of nice things, and I turn away with distaste.
+She is filling the whole quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up
+with the windows!</p>
+
+<p>I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented
+forcibly to him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here,
+cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that....
+But the good man smelt a rat, and did not give me time to finish
+speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too, and followed him,
+firmly determined to convince him of his mistake.</p>
+
+<p>"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions,"
+said I; and I slapped him on the shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the
+sanitary conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive
+fear.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not
+render him a service in any way? show him about? Really not?
+because it would be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him
+nothing....</p>
+
+<p>But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered
+off, in all haste, to the other side of the street.</p>
+
+<p>I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed,
+and the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little
+farther away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a
+fragment of Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful
+strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through
+my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and
+I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in
+tones, and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring
+high above the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...</p>
+
+<p>"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her
+little tin plate; "only a halfpenny."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and
+ransacked all my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make
+fun of her, and she goes away at once without saying a word.</p>
+
+<p>This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me,
+it would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and
+recalled her.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on,
+maybe tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I
+won't forget it. Till tomorrow, then...."</p>
+
+<p>But I understood quite well that she did not believe me,
+although she never said one word; and I cried with despair because
+this little street wench would not believe in me.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about
+to give her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I;
+"wait only a moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.</p>
+
+<p>What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since
+it was in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The
+astonished child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I
+was compelled to let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a
+policeman thrusts his way through to me, and wants to know what is
+the row.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the
+little girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you
+needn't stand there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home
+and put on another."</p>
+
+<p>"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march,"
+and he gives me a shove on.</p>
+
+<p>"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers!
+However could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript,
+convince myself that it is lying in order and go, without stopping
+a second or looking about me, towards the editor's office.</p>
+
+<p>It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office
+is shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a
+thief, and stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do
+now? I lean up against the wall, stare down at the stones, and
+consider. A pin is lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it
+up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could
+I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though buttons are
+buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as good as
+new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off with
+my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being
+able to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I
+cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My delight got the upper
+hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the buttons one by one.
+Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed soliloquy:</p>
+
+<p>Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips
+when you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less
+buttons than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open;
+it is a habit of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if
+you <em>won't</em>, well! But I must have a penny for them, at
+least.... No indeed! who said you were obliged to do it? You can
+hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes, well, you can
+fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are out
+looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well,
+good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a
+little late.</p>
+
+<p>Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality.
+I recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my
+pocket. He attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is
+suddenly intently busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire
+for the editor.</p>
+
+<p>"Not in, do you hear."</p>
+
+<p>"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself,
+I continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. <a name="fnr5"></a>
+<a href="#fn5" class="fnsuper">5</a></p>
+
+<p>"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the
+desired effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My
+heart was in my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my
+courage, knocked, and entered the editor's private office.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."</p>
+
+<p>If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as
+acceptable. I felt as if I were on the point of crying and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"I beg you will excuse...."</p>
+
+<p>"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained
+that I again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get
+into his paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much
+effort.</p>
+
+<p>"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write
+is certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if
+you could only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In
+the meantime, I will read it," and he turned to the table
+again.</p>
+
+<p>There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why
+there was always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the
+first time.</p>
+
+<p>I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had
+complained about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some
+together for me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should
+not occur! Could I not see then that he was sitting at work?</p>
+
+<p>Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady.
+"About how soon shall I call in again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."</p>
+
+<p>I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness
+seemed to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate
+it. Rather die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the
+door, and felt once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having
+left the office without having asked for that shilling. I took the
+other shaving out of my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It
+helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought to be ashamed of
+yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered your head to
+ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience again?" and
+I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which I had
+almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever
+heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of
+his head just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable
+dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll
+teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself, left one street
+after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on with
+suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle
+Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with
+vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over
+my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I
+said, and, in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and
+forced myself to keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged
+myself with pleasure at the spectacle of my own exhaustion. At
+length, after the lapse of a few moments, I gave myself, with a
+nod, permission to be seated, though, even then, I chose the most
+uncomfortable place on the steps.</p>
+
+<p>Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my
+face, and drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I
+was not sorry; I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for
+that shilling? Now I could see the consequences, and I began to
+talk mildly to myself, dealing out admonitions as a mother might
+have done. I grew more and more moved, and tired and weak as I was,
+I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without
+a tear.</p>
+
+<p>I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the
+same place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little
+children played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree
+on the other side of the street.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."</p>
+
+<p>"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat
+here now half-an-hour."</p>
+
+<p>"About that," I replied; "anything more?"</p>
+
+<p>I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place,
+I stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made
+your voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to
+dissemble. From exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a
+horse.</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a
+new idea. I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that
+confounded the passers- by, and said: "Now you shall just go to
+Levion the parson. You shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try.
+What have you got to lose by it? and it is such glorious
+weather!"</p>
+
+<p>I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in
+the directory, and started for it.</p>
+
+<p>Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience.
+You are hungry; you have come on important business--the first
+thing needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your
+words to a sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step
+farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted
+condition, fighting with the powers of darkness and great voiceless
+monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of; you hunger
+and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone so
+far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to
+bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised;
+you haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands
+together, and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace.
+As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its
+pomps in any form. Now it's quite another thing with a
+psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few shillings.... I
+stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours, 12 to
+4."</p>
+
+<p>Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang
+your head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not
+possible for me to get in God's name yet awhile.</p>
+
+<p>"He has gone out."</p>
+
+<p>Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all
+I intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the
+long walk? There I stood.</p>
+
+<p>"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it
+was such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and
+make a call.</p>
+
+<p>There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my
+chest to attract her attention to the pin that held my coat
+together. I implored her with a look to see what I had come for,
+but the poor creature didn't understand it at all.</p>
+
+<p>Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?</p>
+
+<p>Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to
+move herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?</p>
+
+<p>No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again,
+just for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out
+on the road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I
+commenced to feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about
+to break down in earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked
+at the door an hour too late. The time of grace was over. I sat
+down on one of the benches near the church in the market. Lord! how
+black things began to look for me now! I did not cry; I was too
+utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat there without trying
+to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and starving. My
+chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and sorely--nor
+would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired of
+that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown
+orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at
+once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins
+swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would
+but keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it
+not a matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day
+earlier or one day later? If I had conducted myself like an
+ordinary being I should have gone home long ago, and laid myself
+down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I
+was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things were
+hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource
+of which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each
+time I still hoped for a possible succour I whispered
+repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to die."</p>
+
+<p>I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare
+myself. I would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I
+would lay my head upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest
+things I had left, and the green blanket. I ... The green blanket!
+Like a shot I was wide awake. The blood mounted to my head, and I
+got violent palpitation of the heart. I arise from the seat, and
+start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres, and time after
+time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green
+blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching
+something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop.
+Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over
+to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose
+infinitely superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in
+me--half inward cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade
+good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I
+had my senses left.</p>
+
+<p>So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's
+Street. I knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first
+time. The bell on the door above my head gave a lot of violent
+jerks. A man enters from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of
+food, and stands behind the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall
+release them in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"No! they're steel, aren't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"No; can't do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a
+joke. Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking,
+I have no longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it
+off my hands."</p>
+
+<p>"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it
+and said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that
+either."</p>
+
+<p>"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much
+better on the other side."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a
+penny on it anywhere."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought
+it might go with another old blanket at an auction."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no; it's no use."</p>
+
+<p>"Three pence?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the
+house!" I took it under my arm and went home.</p>
+
+<p>I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away
+every trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my
+right mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit
+this rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more
+unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been an attack of
+weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised me
+when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I
+had half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly
+offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had
+the opportunity of carrying into effect this fault which would have
+sullied the last hours I had to live.</p>
+
+<p>I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one
+of the seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my
+breast, apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with
+hunger. And time went by.</p>
+
+<p>I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did
+not pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home,
+too, soon enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered
+fearfully.</p>
+
+<p>I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve
+and put it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble.
+Otherwise I did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People
+came and went; the noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter
+of tongues filled the air. I might try with the buttons. Of course
+there would be no use in trying; and besides, I was now in a rather
+bad way; but when I came to consider the matter closely, I would be
+obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction of my "Uncle's" as I
+went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly to my feet, and
+reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my eyebrows--fever
+was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once more I
+passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must
+stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to
+go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting
+thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to me
+seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and
+held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway
+and talked together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her
+head out of a window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I
+looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing in
+particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the
+world treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the
+Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I
+pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to
+die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was
+thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled
+along again, but again came to a standstill; I must be quite
+inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were sinking right
+into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very deuce that
+one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a
+head that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of
+fists that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and
+yet I went and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town
+of Christiania. Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in
+saddle, toiled day and night like a carrier's horse.</p>
+
+<p>I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains
+out of my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a
+street hussy prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well,
+now, there should be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it
+shall, or the devil take a worse hold of me.</p>
+
+<p>With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on,
+without looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once
+more to martyr myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on
+purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy
+when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed insanely each time
+it hurt much.</p>
+
+<p>Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped
+many times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A
+gentleman just going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and
+ask to be locked up." I looked after him. One of our well-known
+lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my
+real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew
+quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt madness in
+my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was to be
+the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk.
+There was the haven in which I was to find rest.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I
+grew almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged
+to the wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be
+brought to the guard- house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which
+had not a spark of light in it. Not that! There must be other
+channels yet open that I had not tried, and I would try them. I
+would be so earnestly painstaking; would take good time for it, and
+go indefatigably round from house to house. For example, there was
+Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy
+would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked until I brought
+myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from
+on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so far
+away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest
+between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when
+times were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him
+for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I
+would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for
+the chief. They showed me into his office; there he sat--handsome,
+well-dressed in the latest style--running down some accounts. I
+stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand. Compelled by
+need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I could
+pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking
+he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had
+finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and
+said, "No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word.</p>
+
+<p>My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the
+little polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his
+name have occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It
+won't be I that will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me
+tell you, at the same time, I've had about enough of this."</p>
+
+<p>I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I
+had turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and
+I had not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had
+really gone all too far with me. I had held myself up for many
+years, stood erect through so many hard hours, and now, all at
+once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging. This one day had
+coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I
+had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the pettiest
+huckster's shop, and what had it availed me?</p>
+
+<p>But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put
+inside my mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing
+loathsome to myself. Yes, yes; but it must come to an end.
+Presently they would lock the outer door at home? I must hurry
+unless I wished to lie in the guard-house again.</p>
+
+<p>This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With
+body bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs
+to deaden the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes
+fastened upon the paving- stones that I might not be forced to bow
+to possible acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God
+be praised! it was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's;
+I had three hours yet before the door would be locked. What a
+fright I had been in!</p>
+
+<p>Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I
+could. To think that I really could not succeed once in a whole
+day! If I told it no one could believe it; if I were to write it
+down they would say I had invented it. Not in a single place! Well,
+well, there is no help for it. Before all, don't go and get
+pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me
+have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why there is an end
+of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of oats in the
+stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was
+shut.</p>
+
+<p>I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt
+thirsty, luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I
+went and sought about for a place where I could get a drink. I was
+a long distance away from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a
+private house. Perhaps, though, I could wait till I got home; it
+would take a quarter of an hour. It was not at all so certain that
+I could keep down a draught of water, either; my stomach no longer
+suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the spittle I swallowed.
+But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all yet. There I
+stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a
+remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should
+certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some
+place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think
+that I could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of
+my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew
+dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't
+I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings,
+with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had
+vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked
+to go there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my
+books seemed likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor,
+had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had
+written my first small poetical attempt, had been bought by an
+acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a photographer,
+to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to grumble about
+any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle" is sitting
+at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid of
+disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My
+voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and
+my heart beat like a sledge-hammer.</p>
+
+<p>He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his
+hands flat on the counter, and looked at my face without saying
+anything. Yes, I had brought something of which I would ask him if
+he could make any use; something which is only in my way at home,
+assure you of it--are quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what
+then? what was there about the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes
+down close to my hand. Couldn't he give me a couple of halfpence
+for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite according to his own
+judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares astonishedly at
+me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he liked
+himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in.</p>
+
+<p>Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned
+to his desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped
+for much, yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of
+being helped. This laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I
+suppose, be of any use trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course,
+I would let my glasses go in with them; that was a matter of
+course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if he wished,
+a halfpenny.</p>
+
+<p>"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses,"
+said "Uncle"; I told you that once before."</p>
+
+<p>"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the
+letters I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you
+will."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off
+with his hands.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I
+put on my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning
+away, bade him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual.
+Well, now, there was nothing more to be done! To think he would not
+take them at any price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I
+can't understand it.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.</p>
+
+<p>"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the
+steps. He came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what
+on earth do you look like? What were you doing in there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; what were you in with?"</p>
+
+<p>My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and
+stretched out my hand with the buttons in it.</p>
+
+<p>"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too
+far."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears
+choking my breast.</p>
+
+<p>"No; wait a minute," he said.</p>
+
+<p>What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my
+"Uncle," bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry,
+perhaps, for several days--owed his landlady?</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as
+well tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's
+better you come in along with me."</p>
+
+<p>I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of
+pride, and answered:</p>
+
+<p>"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past
+seven, and...."</p>
+
+<p>"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am,
+standing with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in
+with you, you hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow,"
+and he pushed me in.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part III</h2>
+
+<p>A week passed in glory and gladness.</p>
+
+<p>I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every
+day, and my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other
+into the fire.</p>
+
+<p>I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor
+brain of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I
+fancied that I wrote with more facility than before.</p>
+
+<p>The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon
+which I had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by
+the editor; and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it
+immediately, without even re-reading it again. In future, I would
+try another paper in order to open up more fields for my work.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come
+to the worst, I still had the ships to take to. The <em>Nun</em>
+lay alongside the wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work
+my way out to Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there
+was no lack of openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt
+rather roughly with me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much
+troubled with headaches, particularly in the morning, and my
+nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the day with
+my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the
+touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable
+door underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to
+bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me
+from every side. I was pretty well played out.</p>
+
+<p>Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short
+time it took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write.
+At this time both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn
+over with notes and written pages, upon which I worked turn about,
+added any new ideas which might have occurred to me during the day,
+erased, or quickened here and there the dull points by a word of
+colour--fagged and toiled at sentence after sentence, with the
+greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my articles being at
+length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into my pocket,
+and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made some
+arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few
+pence left.</p>
+
+<p>The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would
+be disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.</p>
+
+<p>I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and
+an enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man,
+bones and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous
+chasm, this dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to
+receive rejected work, newly crushed hopes.</p>
+
+<p>"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him,
+"the 28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple
+of letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket,
+and lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks
+at me. Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a
+chair.</p>
+
+<p>I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat
+on, when I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."</p>
+
+<p>He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through
+them. His face is turned towards me.</p>
+
+<p>And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose
+name I had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had
+exercised the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His
+hair is curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless.
+He has a habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch
+minister could look milder than this truculent writer, whose pen
+always left bleeding scars wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling
+of awe and admiration comes over me in the presence of this man.
+The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and I advanced a
+step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he had
+taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor
+bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it
+was....</p>
+
+<p>He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst
+he sat and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a
+refusal, I stretch out my hand a little, and say:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile
+to give him the impression that I take it easily.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use
+to us," he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't
+you try and write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon
+something that people understand better?"</p>
+
+<p>His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not
+to take up his time any longer, I reply:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I daresay I can."</p>
+
+<p>I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having
+taken up his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door
+handle.</p>
+
+<p>"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."</p>
+
+<p>Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this
+offer humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very
+much, all the same. Good-day!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to
+his desk again.</p>
+
+<p>He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I
+was grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it
+too. I made a resolution not to return to him until I could take
+something with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that
+would astonish the "commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be
+paid half-a-sovereign without a moment's hesitation. I went home,
+and tackled my writing once more.</p>
+
+<p>During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight
+o'clock and the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly
+to me.</p>
+
+<p>As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the
+labour and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands
+under the lamp- post exactly opposite my door.</p>
+
+<p>She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when
+I pass her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on,
+always the same thick veil that conceals her face and falls over
+her breast, and that she carries in her hand a small umbrella with
+an ivory ring in the handle. This was already the third evening I
+had seen her there, always in the same place. As soon as I have
+passed her by she turns slowly and goes down the street away from
+me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I became at once
+possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object of her
+visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of
+asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my
+assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly
+dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might
+cost me something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money
+left at all. My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too
+depressing way upon me, and I had not even the courage to
+scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more
+taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since
+yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had
+often been able to hold out for a couple of days at a time, but
+latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I could not go
+hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day made me
+feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered
+all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime,
+lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy
+shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could
+not keep out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose
+stopped by the sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into
+the dilapidated room.</p>
+
+<p>I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep
+myself alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a
+candle I would try to fag on through the night; it would only take
+a couple of hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I
+could call on the "commandor."</p>
+
+<p>I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my
+young acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a
+candle. I passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen
+tables at which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed
+into the back of the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without
+succeeding in finding my man.</p>
+
+<p>Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the
+street and took the direction to the Palace.</p>
+
+<p>Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think
+that my hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious
+strides, with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my
+ears, and my hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along,
+cursing my unlucky stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled
+hour in seven or eight months, not the common food necessary to
+hold body and soul together for the space of one short week, before
+want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into the bargain,
+gone and kept straight and honourable all through my misery-- Ha!
+ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve me,
+what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had
+even gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans
+Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my
+delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could
+not find words half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity.
+Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment a
+schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch
+it up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole
+night through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much
+for nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do
+anything.</p>
+
+<p>I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came
+to the conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in
+the park and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven.
+The streets were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all
+directions, quiet pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another.
+The great hour had commenced, the pairing time when the mystic
+traffic is in full swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in.
+Rustling petticoats, one or two still short, sensual laughter,
+heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far down near the
+Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a swamp,
+from which hot vapours exuded.</p>
+
+<p>I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The
+passion that thrills through the movements of every one of the
+passers-by, the dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant
+night, all commence to affect me--this air, that is laden with
+whispers, embraces, trembling admissions, concessions, half-uttered
+words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are declaring their
+love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not possess
+even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to
+be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began
+again to think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have
+stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet,
+that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and
+caroused with the proceeds.</p>
+
+<p>In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some
+measure--I take to picking all possible faults in the people who
+glide by. I shrug my shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly
+at them according as they pass. These easily-pleased,
+confectionery-eating students, who fancy they are sowing their wild
+oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a sempstress under
+the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who
+would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to fall down
+in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place at
+their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man
+or a stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to
+newcomers! Pray, mount!</p>
+
+<p>I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any
+one. I felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who
+scraped acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right
+before my eyes. I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing
+of being able to keep my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads
+(Parliament Place) I met a girl who looked fixedly at me as I came
+close to her.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" She stopped.</p>
+
+<p>Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run
+rather a risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really
+not? Yes; but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak
+plainly, asked to go along home with any one?</p>
+
+<p>She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to
+see what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly
+under my arm, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and we went too!"</p>
+
+<p>I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went
+on.</p>
+
+<p>At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched
+all my pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head,
+and called me a dry cod.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've
+got gold?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.</p>
+
+<p>A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out
+to me:</p>
+
+<p>"You can come with me all the same!"</p>
+
+<p>I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street
+wench, and I said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and
+I was due at a place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices
+of that kind.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."</p>
+
+<p>"But I won't go with you in this way."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered.</p>
+
+<p>But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of
+this unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances
+at least.</p>
+
+<p>"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me
+now, Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew
+more and more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then
+believed that I, too, was one of those who went about the street at
+night and ran after little girls? Did she really think so badly of
+me? Had I perhaps said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did
+one behave as I had done when one was actuated by any bad motive?
+Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her
+those few paces, to see how far she would go on with it. For the
+rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart,
+and sin no more!" With these words I left her.</p>
+
+<p>I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and
+soliloquized aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good
+actions." Perhaps I had given this fallen creature an upward
+impulse for her whole life; save her, once for all, from
+destruction, and she would appreciate it when she came to think
+over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful heart.
+Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous!</p>
+
+<p>My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough
+to face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I
+might perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new
+door-key in my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to
+means of procuring a candle. There was no other way out of it. I
+would have to take my writing materials with me into the street,
+under a lamp-post. I opened the door, and went up to get my papers.
+When I descended once more I locked the door from the outside, and
+planted myself under the light. All around was quiet; I heard the
+heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in Taergade, and far
+away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked. There was
+nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears,
+and commenced to think with all my might.</p>
+
+<p>It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky
+enough to find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had
+stuck just at a rather difficult point in it, where there ought to
+be a quite imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a
+subdued gliding finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a
+climax as bold and as startling as a shot, or the sound of a
+mountain avalanche--full stop. But the words would not come to me.
+I read over the whole piece from the commencement; read every
+sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to crystallize my
+thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax. And into
+the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the
+constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from
+me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+<em>Commandor</em>? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to
+keep my head above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed
+there for the space of an hour. The constable went his way. The
+cold began to get too intense for me to keep still. Disheartened
+and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the door again,
+and went up to my room.</p>
+
+<p>It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the
+intense darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes,
+and set about warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as
+I had done for a long time now, with all my clothes on.</p>
+
+<p>The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light,
+and set to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had
+succeeded by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and
+still I had not found an ending.</p>
+
+<p>I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor
+to try and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window;
+it was snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room,
+took aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail,
+leant my head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with
+my forefinger on the floor, and then listened attentively, all
+without any object, but quietly and pensively as if it were some
+matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the while I
+murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own
+voice.</p>
+
+<p>But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just
+as before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled
+myself sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as
+I could. There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew,
+and set myself resolutely to again.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble,
+a score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to
+try and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set
+myself to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this
+unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters
+that bristled up from the paper like small hairy creeping things,
+till at last I could neither make head nor tail of any of it. I
+thought on nothing.</p>
+
+<p>Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars
+and tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the
+stables as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and
+moistened my lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do
+anything; my chest was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I
+sank more and more together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed
+again. In order to warm my fingers a little I stroked them through
+my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts
+came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered over
+the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as
+if it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried
+afresh to shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my
+whole being like a mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat
+hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest permitted me--only to
+collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying helplessly, with my
+eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At length I stuck
+my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it. Something
+stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's
+reflection, I shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.</p>
+
+<p>I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood
+trickled from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very
+much, neither was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound
+to my senses. I shook my head, went to the window, where I found a
+rag, and wound it round the sore place. As I stood and busied
+myself with this, my eyes filled with tears; I cried softly to
+myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly pitiable. God in
+Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom grew
+closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my
+finale through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle.
+My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I
+did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as
+some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next day.
+Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known
+in there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I
+used to buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a
+candle on the strength of my honest name; and for the first time
+for ages I took to brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as
+the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt
+my way down the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might
+perhaps rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to
+consider. "On no account," I replied to myself at last; I was
+unfortunately not in a condition to bear food. It would only be a
+repetition of the same old story--visions, and presentiments, and
+mad notions. My article would never get finished, and it was a
+question of going to the "Commandor" before he had time to forget
+me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the candle. With
+that I entered the shop.</p>
+
+<p>A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several
+small parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of
+her. The shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy,
+leaves the woman, and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of
+paper and shoves it over to me.</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I
+say. I say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and
+spoil my chance of getting what I want.</p>
+
+<p>My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected
+words; it was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a
+loaf from him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies
+himself with the woman's parcels again.</p>
+
+<p>She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin,
+out of which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy
+and I are alone. He says:</p>
+
+<p>"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package,
+and takes one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I
+can't get my request over my lips.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He
+simply asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins
+to count some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining
+stout pieces. He gives me back change for a crown.</p>
+
+<p>"Much obliged," he says.</p>
+
+<p>Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not
+think about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all
+this wealth which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather
+up the money mechanically.</p>
+
+<p>I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb,
+paralyzed. I take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn
+my eyes upon a certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is
+suspended to a leather collar, and underneath this a bundle of
+string, and I stand and stare at these things.</p>
+
+<p>The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as
+I take my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of
+wrapping-papers strewn over the counter:</p>
+
+<p>"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"</p>
+
+<p>"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have
+winter in earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add:
+"Ah, well, it is none too soon."</p>
+
+<p>I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear
+as if it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely
+unwittingly, involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.</p>
+
+<p>I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and
+that the shop-boy replied to me.</p>
+
+<p>I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was
+torn open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money
+into my hand, and prepared to give it back.</p>
+
+<p>"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I
+strolled on, down the street, bearing it in my hand.</p>
+
+<p>My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to
+a lamp- post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in
+spite of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.</p>
+
+<p>Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned
+over in my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to
+take a little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and
+plates inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation
+was too strong for me--I entered.</p>
+
+<p>"A helping of beef," I say.</p>
+
+<p>"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the
+lift.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and
+prepared to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I
+felt tolerably well concealed, and set myself to have a serious
+think. Every now and then the waitress glanced over at me
+inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was accomplished--my
+first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades were as
+nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help
+for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the
+shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go
+any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to
+live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract
+that....</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks
+down into the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy
+were to get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction
+about the bread, and the florin of which the woman got the change?
+It was not impossible that he would discover it some day, perhaps
+the next time I went there. Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my
+shoulders unobserved.</p>
+
+<p>"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on
+the table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so
+dark here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness
+touches me at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever
+change remains into her hand, close her fingers over it. She
+smiles, and I say in fun, with the tears near my ears, "There,
+you're to have the balance to buy yourself a farm.... Ah, you're
+very welcome to it."</p>
+
+<p>I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so,
+swallowed whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an
+animal-like way at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a
+cannibal.</p>
+
+<p>The waitress came over to me again.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a
+little towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost
+shyly, and dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever
+you like best ... from me ... without ... that is, if you
+will...."</p>
+
+<p>"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another
+time."</p>
+
+<p>She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her
+head. What a singular creature!</p>
+
+<p>When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea
+already. The waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the
+light--afraid to show myself too plainly to the young girl, who
+never for a moment suspected the depth of my misery; so I wished
+her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left.</p>
+
+<p>The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and
+could not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my
+mouth a little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to
+master this nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched
+my hands, and tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and
+gulped down furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I
+sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded
+with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I
+was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the street....
+I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted
+me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments for
+their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate,
+really little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that.</p>
+
+<p>I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him
+in great haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a
+man who had been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life
+and death, I said; he couldn't even keep beef down.</p>
+
+<p>"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered
+the man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking
+for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be
+half a bad notion;" and I go.</p>
+
+<p>I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for
+some boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was,
+swallowed it greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again.
+I took the road home.</p>
+
+<p>Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning
+against the lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a
+person of whom I get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady
+dressed in black again. The same black-clad lady of the other
+evenings. There could be no mistake about it; she had turned up at
+the same spot for the fourth time. She is standing perfectly
+motionless. I find this so peculiar that I involuntarily slacken my
+pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good working order, but I
+am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last meal. I pass
+her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of
+entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me.
+Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening," she answers.</p>
+
+<p>Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her
+before; could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon,
+by-the-way, so earnestly for inquiring.</p>
+
+<p>Yes; she didn't quite know....</p>
+
+<p>No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and
+myself; it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's
+workshop.... She was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking
+any one there.</p>
+
+<p>At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ...
+she stops.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening
+after evening, just for a whim's sake!</p>
+
+<p>That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it
+perplexed me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I
+jingled my money in my pocket, and asked her, without further ado,
+to come and have a glass of wine some place or another ... in
+consideration that winter had come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take
+very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely....</p>
+
+<p>Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do
+that; but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She
+... it was rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous
+about going up Carl Johann after it got so late.</p>
+
+<p>We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful
+feeling empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I
+looked at her the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the
+warmth that irradiated from her body; the perfume of woman that
+accompanied her; the sweet breath every time she turned her face
+towards me--everything penetrated in an ungovernable way through
+all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of a full, rather
+pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved out
+against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I
+surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could
+not endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my
+fingers over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.</p>
+
+<p>"How queer you are," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Am I, really; in what way?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing
+outside a stable door, evening after evening, without any object
+whatever, just for a whim's sake....</p>
+
+<p>Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she
+liked staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a
+great fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?</p>
+
+<p>I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to
+bed before twelve o'clock at night.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this
+little tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing
+so. She lived up in St. Olav's Place.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali," I cried.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon?"</p>
+
+<p>"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."</p>
+
+<p>She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with
+her mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was
+there anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"No? well, what then?"</p>
+
+<p>I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.</p>
+
+<p>Hadn't she a sister?</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I
+know that? She had gone to Hamburg.</p>
+
+<p>"Lately?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a
+sister?</p>
+
+<p>I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.</p>
+
+<p>We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his
+arm; otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at
+the Tivoli a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer
+snows; the sky is clear.</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the
+lady, suddenly looking at me.</p>
+
+<p>Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition
+known at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still,
+it was delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in
+ignorance yet a while longer. So I lied. I answered:</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked,
+"Have you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"</p>
+
+<p>Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there?
+Into that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would
+be filled with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby
+clothes, and lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no
+waistcoat on....</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"</p>
+
+<p>And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made
+use; a few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain.
+What would one expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it
+did not interest me in the least to see animals in cases. These
+animals know that one is standing staring at them; they feel
+hundreds of inquisitive looks upon them; are conscious of them. No;
+I would prefer to see animals that didn't know one observed them;
+shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie with sluggish
+green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?</p>
+
+<p>Yes; I was certainly right in that.</p>
+
+<p>It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and
+peculiar savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy
+tread in the total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the
+woods; the shrieks of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of
+blood, the rumbling in space; in short, the reigning spirit of the
+kingdom of savage creatures hovering over savagery ... the
+unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored her. The
+consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me.
+If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her
+the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make
+out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be
+accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was
+I walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at
+nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be
+worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap
+it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go
+right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew
+against us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack
+of food for many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from
+going home to get even a little milk into my parched mouth; a
+spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps be able to keep down.
+Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go to the
+deuce?...</p>
+
+<p>I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last
+extremity. I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I
+disgrace you right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes.
+Yes, it is positively true; I mean it."</p>
+
+<p>She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she
+exclaims suddenly:</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean by that?" I queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far
+now"; and she walked on a little faster.</p>
+
+<p>We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights
+in St. Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me
+your name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift
+up your veil so that I can see you? I would be really so
+grateful."</p>
+
+<p>A pause. I walked on in expectation.</p>
+
+<p>"You have seen me before," she replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali," I say again.</p>
+
+<p>"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right
+home. Were you tipsy that time?"</p>
+
+<p>I could hear again that she smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."</p>
+
+<p>"That was horrid of you!"</p>
+
+<p>And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.</p>
+
+<p>We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many
+lighted windows of No. 2.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank
+you for coming so far."</p>
+
+<p>I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she
+asks, in a low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you
+only would!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but only a little way."</p>
+
+<p>And we turned round.</p>
+
+<p>I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on
+my head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning;
+turned it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy.
+It seemed to me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to
+destruction. She had expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my
+notion, it was her own desire. I walk on and look at her, and get
+more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me to her by each word
+she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my humble position,
+my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course madly through
+my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and resolved to
+feel my way by a little ruse.</p>
+
+<p>"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It
+was your sister."</p>
+
+<p>"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed.
+She stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an
+answer. She puts the question in all sober earnest.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of
+the two ladies who went on in front of me."</p>
+
+<p>"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once,
+loudly, heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said
+that just to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so;
+but you may just wait till you are blue first ... just for
+punishment."</p>
+
+<p>We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time.
+I do not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had
+seen me once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then
+comrades with me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly
+have been tipsy that time too, more's the shame.</p>
+
+<p>Why did she think that?</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I had laughed so.</p>
+
+<p>"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."</p>
+
+<p>"But now not any more?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist
+sometimes."</p>
+
+<p>We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther,"
+and we returned through University Street. When we arrived at the
+fountain once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I
+could not go any farther with her.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I suppose I must."</p>
+
+<p>But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the
+door with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in
+that, could there?</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted
+me clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so
+broken down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn,
+disfigured by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough
+to make one sink into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head
+involuntarily, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I not meet you any more then?"</p>
+
+<p>I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost
+wished for a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render
+me callous.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.</p>
+
+<p>"When?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>A pause....</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a
+minute," I asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to.
+Just for one moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking
+to."</p>
+
+<p>Another pause....</p>
+
+<p>"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said.
+"Will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."</p>
+
+<p>"At eight o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well."</p>
+
+<p>I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse
+for touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.</p>
+
+<p>"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was
+smiling again.</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over
+her forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms
+round my neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her
+bosom heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself
+suddenly out of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly,
+whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs without a word
+more....</p>
+
+<p>The hall door shut.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with
+rain; great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud.
+The air was raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a
+strange state of confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone
+evening by the agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture
+(I had lain a while awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread
+out my arms and embraced myself and kissed the air. At length I
+dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of milk, and
+straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry,
+but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition.</p>
+
+<p>I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me
+that I might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to
+put on under my coat; it didn't matter what.</p>
+
+<p>I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began
+to examine it.</p>
+
+<p>While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and
+called up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He
+was a designer, and was on the way to his office.</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up,
+I haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare
+thought. "Supposing it was my <em>fiancée</em>."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" he exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."</p>
+
+<p>This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I
+lied in the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered
+the beer, drank it, and left.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago,
+but now you shall have them during the next few days."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me
+back the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost
+immediately to my head. The thought of the previous evening's
+adventure overwhelmed me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not
+to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she were to begin to think things
+over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious of what?... My thoughts
+gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid
+of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its details. I saw
+the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the money,
+and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt
+when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no,
+only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk
+taking down the evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might
+take a new one for the occasion--his look, his threatening look.
+There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally dark....</p>
+
+<p>Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage,
+walked faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove
+that I had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an
+alarm, even if it should occur to him some day how it had all
+happened. He valued his situation far too dearly for that. No
+noise, no scenes, may I beg!</p>
+
+<p>But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and
+gave me no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly
+convinced that I had been happier before, during the period in
+which I had suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not
+polluted her with the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my
+God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and
+went straight over to the cake woman who was sitting near the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even yet lift
+myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would
+show the whole world that I was capable of doing so.</p>
+
+<p>On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every
+farthing of it in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as
+if I wanted something, clapped the money without further ado into
+her hands. I spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my
+way.</p>
+
+<p>What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest
+man once more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was
+simply a delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed
+the whole matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much
+secret anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and
+shuddering time upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable
+nature rebelled against such a low action. God be praised, I had
+raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I
+said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place-- "only
+just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to
+such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her
+children wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with
+these reflections and considered that I had behaved in a most
+exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was out of my hands
+now!</p>
+
+<p>Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away
+with me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and
+buoyant; it was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and
+gleamed on my shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest
+pranks, to do something astounding, to set the whole town in a
+ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman.
+There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran riot in my
+brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a
+commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to
+take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and
+leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished every
+nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying
+the expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of
+tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at
+Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and look at the
+droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and laughing.
+The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go
+ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly
+over to the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I
+called out, and we rolled off.</p>
+
+<p>On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several
+times into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood.
+Had he, too, grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my
+miserable attire had attracted his attention.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be
+beforehand with him, and I explained gravely that I must really
+meet this man. We stop outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the
+stairs right to the third storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It
+gives six or seven fearful peals inside.</p>
+
+<p>A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has
+round, gold drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey
+bodice. She looks at me with a frightened air.</p>
+
+<p>I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add
+further--a wool- dealer; in short, not a man one could make a
+mistake about....</p>
+
+<p>The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.</p>
+
+<p>She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made
+no effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew
+the person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to
+reflect a bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her,
+and ran downstairs again.</p>
+
+<p>"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.</p>
+
+<p>"Wasn't he there?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most
+violent excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to
+the driver. He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death,
+and he drove on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse
+sharply.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the
+box.</p>
+
+<p>"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."</p>
+
+<p>And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be
+likely to make any mistake about.</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you
+think it is a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light
+morning-coat came most inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for
+me such as I had fancied him.</p>
+
+<p>"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that?
+The name doesn't disgrace any one."</p>
+
+<p>"Hasn't he red hair?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that
+the driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he
+was right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to
+inform him that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just
+as he described him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be
+a phenomenon to see such a man without red hair.</p>
+
+<p>"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he
+had a knobbed stick."</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">This brought the man vividly before me, and I
+said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen the man without a
+knobbed stick in his hand, of that you can be certain, quite
+certain."</p>
+
+<p>Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He
+recognized him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck
+sparks as they touched the stones.</p>
+
+<p>All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second
+lost my presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his
+number is 69. This number struck me with such vivid clearness that
+it penetrated like a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I
+wouldn't forget it.</p>
+
+<p>I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies;
+crouched under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my
+lips and commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages
+through my brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am
+succumbing to influences over which I have no control. I begin to
+laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace of cause, still
+merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I have
+drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more
+and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it
+down inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach
+Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.</p>
+
+<p>I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head
+heavy. I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I
+pass. I come to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself
+in a lobby, a sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two
+boxes in it, one on top of the other, in one corner, and against
+the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To
+the right, in the next room, I hear voices and the cry of a child,
+and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an iron plate being
+hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter.</p>
+
+<p>I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any
+haste, without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."</p>
+
+<p>It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver
+who is waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without
+fear of being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in
+wool, who has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose
+existence I believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I
+should meet--had vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many
+other mad whims which came and went in turns. I recalled him no
+longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom.</p>
+
+<p>In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt
+languid and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still
+fell in great moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out,
+near the church, I sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by
+looked at me with much astonishment. I fell a-thinking.</p>
+
+<p>Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not
+find it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it.
+Adversity had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me.
+I had become so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere
+shadow of what I once had been; my shoulders were sunken right down
+on one side, and I had contracted a habit of stooping forward
+fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what little I
+could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my
+room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn
+the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale
+sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of
+the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to
+have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy
+for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it, dried
+it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for it,
+it....</p>
+
+<p>I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad
+enough. I loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the
+loose, almost coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me,
+disgusts me. I feel myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean
+fingers. I hate the whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink
+from bearing it, from feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole
+thing would come to an end now, I would heartily, gladly die!</p>
+
+<p>Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own
+estimation, I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps
+homewards. On the way I passed a door, upon which the following was
+to be read on a plate-- "Winding-sheets to be had at Miss
+Andersen's, door to the right." Old memories! I muttered, as my
+thoughts flew back to my former room in Hammersborg. The little
+rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the lighthouse
+director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's new- baked
+bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one night I
+had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write
+anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I
+would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.</p>
+
+<p>As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in
+her hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy
+and I stand face to face alone for the second time.</p>
+
+<p>"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What
+did this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at
+once? I got furious, and cried:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."</p>
+
+<p>This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster
+brain fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have
+cheated him of five shillings.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query
+impatiently, and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble
+and am ready to use force if he doesn't come to the point.</p>
+
+<p>But the poor man has no misgivings.</p>
+
+<p>Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with
+in this world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how
+it had all happened, show him where the fact was accomplished,
+where the money had lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and
+closed my fingers over it-- and he takes it all in and does
+nothing. He shifts uneasily from one foot to the other, listens for
+footsteps in the next room, make signs to hush me, to try and make
+me speak lower, and says at last:</p>
+
+<p>"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"</p>
+
+<p>"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to
+aggravate him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in
+his huckster head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could
+never have entered my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any
+benefit from it--that was opposed to my thoroughly honest
+nature.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do with it, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He
+must understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't
+forget the poor so....</p>
+
+<p>He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very
+dubious as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into
+trouble in any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being
+generous. Here I stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you
+simply, instead of being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle
+the dispute with me. Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for
+the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!' Good- day."</p>
+
+<p>I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my
+room, into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow,
+trembling in my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted
+instantly from my high horse, and sank together once more.</p>
+
+<p>I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched
+myself by the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and
+behaved like a lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly
+terror for the sake of his situation; he had not dared to make any
+fuss about the five shillings that were lost to the business, and I
+had taken advantage of his fear, had tortured him with my violent
+address, stabbed him with every loud word that I had roared out.
+And the master himself had perhaps been sitting inside the inner
+room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come out and
+inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the
+low things I might be tempted to do.</p>
+
+<p>Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an
+end. I would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs.
+I would not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary,
+I would have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my
+life for one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of
+lentils! Hear me only this once!...</p>
+
+<p>I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I
+might die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up
+my bed a little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me
+in the morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.</p>
+
+<p>All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have
+forgotten her the entire evening through! And light forces its way
+ever so faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that
+makes me so blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare,
+silken, balmy light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And
+the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples,
+seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last,
+a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and
+earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of fire,
+devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in
+brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom!</p>
+
+<p>And I saw and heard no more....</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole
+body bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At
+first I had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked
+about me in amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being,
+absolutely failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own
+arms and down my legs, was struck with astonishment that the window
+was where it was, and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear
+the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as if it came from
+above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish.</p>
+
+<p>My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on
+my elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in
+patches. My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but
+they caused me no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they
+were too stiff.</p>
+
+<p>As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a
+little dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the
+room a little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care
+to keep my balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not
+suffer much, and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into
+consideration, sad. On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It
+did not strike me just then that anything could be otherwise than
+it was.</p>
+
+<p>Then I went out.</p>
+
+<p>The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea
+that the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to
+be sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food,
+which grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my
+breast; carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as
+if a score of diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one
+side and gnawed for a little, then laid their heads on the other
+side and gnawed a little more, then lay quite still for a moment's
+space, and then began afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without
+any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere after them as they went
+on....</p>
+
+<p>I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of
+going to the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and
+wearisome; at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner
+of the market and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes
+and blinded me, and I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a
+little. I did not notice the place I was standing in; in fact, I
+did not think about it; the noise around me was something
+frightful.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this
+cry--hear it quite well, and I start nervously to one side,
+stepping as quickly as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a
+bread-van brushes past me, and the wheel grazes my coat; I might
+perhaps have been a little quicker if I had exerted myself. Well,
+there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a couple of toes were
+crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in my shoes.</p>
+
+<p>The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round
+on the van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it
+might have been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so
+dangerous.... I didn't think any bones were broken. Oh,
+pray....</p>
+
+<p>I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people
+who stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no
+mortal blow; comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough,
+as misfortune was bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that
+my shoe was crushed to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe.
+I help up my foot, and saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't
+intentional on either side; it was not the man's purpose to make
+things worse for me than they were; he looked much concerned about
+it. It was quite certain that if I had begged him for a piece of
+bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He would
+certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return,
+wherever he is!...</p>
+
+<p>I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself
+and my shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat,
+and bowed my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted.
+When it got dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I
+got there--and sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket
+out of my coat and took to chewing it; not with any defined object,
+but with dour mien and unseeing eyes, staring straight into space.
+I could hear a group of little children playing around near me, and
+perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some pedestrians pass me
+by; otherwise I observed nothing.</p>
+
+<p>All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend
+the steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor,
+I called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a
+threatening backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up
+there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I met.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I
+said; "only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to
+give him something to carry in his mouth."</p>
+
+<p>I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still
+remained a morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the
+man so heartily that he looked at me in amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you,"
+and I ascended the steps again.</p>
+
+<p>My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into
+one of the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go,
+and stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard.
+There was no light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all
+around me; and I began to gnaw at the bone.</p>
+
+<p>It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was
+forced to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only
+keep it down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was
+simply a matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited
+again. I grew wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel,
+and gulped it down by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no
+use. Just as soon as the little fragments of meat became warm in my
+stomach up they came again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in
+frenzy, burst into tears from sheer helplessness, and gnawed away
+as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone got wet and dirty with
+my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried as if my heart
+would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers that be
+to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.</p>
+
+<p>Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of
+the most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I
+cry with gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which
+might satisfy me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of
+all my efforts, it avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I
+am filled with the most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my
+fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers
+like claws, with ill-suppressed fury....</p>
+
+<p>I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that,
+if you did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with
+the fire of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and
+you repulsed me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity,
+because you did not know your time of visitation! I tell you that I
+am about to die, and yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with
+death staring me in the face--I tell you, I would rather be a
+bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I tell you, I am
+filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness; and I
+choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the
+devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!</p>
+
+<p>I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's
+most crass- headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell
+you, you have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most
+cherished harlots from here below, who have bent their knees
+piteously before you at their hour of death! I tell you, you have
+used force against me, and you know not, you omniscient nullity,
+that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my life, every
+cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock you--you
+Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could, breathe
+it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop
+in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom,
+and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's
+boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all
+thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I
+tell you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart
+and reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am
+silent, and turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.</p>
+
+<p>I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same
+spot, still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing
+after the violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my
+frenzied outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour,
+hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear
+voices--a conversation between two men who are coming down the
+passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls of
+the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog
+along Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar
+direction. It occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the
+corner of the market- place, the stores for loose materials, the
+old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the
+place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market, and were a
+blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned over in
+my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had
+always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps
+not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or
+three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must
+admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to
+make a start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it
+was a tidy enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was
+still trembling over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then
+violently after my cry. I had a feeling that there was not much
+life left in me--that I was really singing my last verse. It was
+almost a matter of indifference to me; it did not trouble me in the
+least. On the contrary, I wended my way down town, down to the
+wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would, for that
+matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to die.
+My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot
+throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping
+up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular
+distress. I had endured worse sensations.</p>
+
+<p>In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no
+traffic, no noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a
+labourer or sailor slinking round with their hands in their
+pockets. I took notice of a lame man, who looked sharply at me as
+we passed one another. I stopped him instinctively, touched my hat,
+and inquired if he knew if the Nun had sailed. Someway, I couldn't
+help snapping my fingers right under the man's nose, and saying,
+"Ay, by Jove, the <em>Nun</em>; yes, the <em>Nun</em>!" which I had
+totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been
+smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.</p>
+
+<p>He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?</p>
+
+<p>The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in
+the air; it dangles a little.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in
+here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in
+the <em>Nun</em>, and I asked the man how far it might be to
+Holmestrand, reckoned in good old geographical miles.</p>
+
+<p>"To Holmestrand? I should think..."</p>
+
+<p>"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"</p>
+
+<p>"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him
+again. "You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit
+of tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"</p>
+
+<p>I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I
+made no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept
+his eye on me-- perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other
+way or another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his
+suspicious look following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by
+this creature. I turn round, and, dragging myself back to him,
+say:</p>
+
+<p>"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked
+fixedly at him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring
+fearfully at him. It was as if I saw him with my entire body
+instead of only with my eyes. I stare for a while after I give
+utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to the railway
+square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his gaze
+fixed upon me.</p>
+
+<p>"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I
+had a feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I
+had met him before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I
+pawned my waistcoat. It seemed to me an eternity since that
+day.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself
+against a house wall at the corner of the railway square and
+Harbour Street. Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to
+crawl away. As I do not succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead
+of me and fling all shame to the winds. There is no help for it. I
+am standing face to face with the "Commandor." I get
+devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from the wall in
+order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his
+compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged
+him to walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him
+good-evening.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me.
+He slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I
+would have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has
+come yet!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got
+it finished, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, it didn't get finished."</p>
+
+<p>My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness,
+and I cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The
+"Commandor" tweaks his nose and looks at me.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he
+questions.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything
+today, but...."</p>
+
+<p>"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and
+starve yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger
+over to the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse,
+and he hands me half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me
+starve to death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all
+at once. It is shameful of me to ... it was really too much....</p>
+
+<p>"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting
+for the train; I hear it coming now."</p>
+
+<p>I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I
+didn't even thank him once.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the
+"Commandor" at last. "I know you can write for it."</p>
+
+<p>And so off he went.</p>
+
+<p>When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I
+had not thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake
+him, but could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I
+came near tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away
+from me. I gave up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but
+dared not; and when after all I did muster up courage enough and
+called once or twice, he was already at too great a distance, and
+my voice had become too weak.</p>
+
+<p>I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept
+quietly and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He
+gave me half-a- sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where
+he had stood, imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up
+to my moistened eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to
+swear--to swear at the top of my voice, that there was no manner of
+doubt that what I held in my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour
+after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown very silent all
+around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11 Tomtegaden.
+After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and wondered
+thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into
+the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for
+shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Tuesday.</p>
+
+<p>Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had
+disappeared. There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and
+laughter everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in
+jets, golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....</p>
+
+<p>At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived
+and found fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the
+merriest humour, and lazied about the whole afternoon through the
+most frequented streets and looked at the people. Even before seven
+o'clock I took a turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look
+up at the window of No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about
+the whole time in a state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would
+happen? What should I say when she came down the stairs?
+Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with the
+smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her.</p>
+
+<p>I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up
+Carl Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street.
+When the clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's
+Place. On the way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few
+minutes too late, and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My
+foot was very sore, otherwise nothing ailed me.</p>
+
+<p>I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood
+there a long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did
+not come. Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be
+delayed, and I waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the
+whole thing! Had my first meeting with her only existed in
+imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began in perplexity to
+think over it, and wasn't at all sure.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light
+steps near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the
+wide staircase before me.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take
+off my hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this
+way.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a
+little quickly after her walk.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected,
+by-the-way, that you would come from another direction."</p>
+
+<p>"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the
+evening with them."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, indeed," I say.</p>
+
+<p>We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing
+at the corner, looking at us.</p>
+
+<p>"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and
+stops.</p>
+
+<p>"Wherever you wish; only where <em>you</em> wish."</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."</p>
+
+<p>A pause.</p>
+
+<p>Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:</p>
+
+<p>"I see it's dark up in your windows."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening
+off, too, so I am all alone at home."</p>
+
+<p>We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither
+of us had seen them before.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down
+at the door the whole time if you like."</p>
+
+<p>But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I
+had perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and
+leave me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable
+attire of mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.</p>
+
+<p>"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She
+says it right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You
+shall certainly not sit down by the door."</p>
+
+<p>We went up.</p>
+
+<p>Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand,
+and led me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she
+said, I could very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the
+candle--it was not a lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the
+candle, she said, with a little laugh:</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so
+ashamed, but I will never do it again."</p>
+
+<p>"What will you never do again?"</p>
+
+<p>"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never
+kiss you again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my
+arms to her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side
+of the table. We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle
+stood right between us.</p>
+
+<p>"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to
+seize hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil,
+and took off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched
+my movements. I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and
+fell, my sore foot refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in
+extreme confusion.</p>
+
+<p>"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully
+awkward of you."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me you limp."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that
+matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot;
+it is awful the number of afflictions you have."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead,
+young man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to
+appear grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by
+the door; you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I
+here--so, that's it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people!
+One has to say and do everything oneself; one gets no help to do
+anything. Now, for example, you might just as well put your arm
+over the back of my chair; you could easily have thought of that
+much out of your own head, couldn't you? But if I say anything like
+that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't believe what
+was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it several
+times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade
+me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to
+be otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were
+tipsy--when you followed me straight home and worried me with your
+witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you are quite
+certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."</p>
+
+<p>I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my
+blood raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of
+enjoyment in it!</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you say something?"</p>
+
+<p>"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here
+getting thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment
+thoroughly fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the
+most extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so,
+that I never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No,
+well, no, perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so
+desperately in love with you, and it is so preposterous ... for,
+great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a chance for me....
+What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you are
+called."</p>
+
+<p>"No; what is <em>your</em> name? Gracious, I was nearly
+forgetting that again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I
+meant to ask you--yes, that is to say, not <em>all</em> yesterday,
+but--"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you
+like that? It has a gliding sound...."</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Is that a foreign language?"</p>
+
+<p>"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it isn't ugly!"</p>
+
+<p>After a long discussion we told one another our names. She
+seated herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair
+away with her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.</p>
+
+<p>"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole
+a little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a
+scrap better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really
+shabby, and you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain;
+and in that state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and
+take wine with you--thanks, not me!"</p>
+
+<p>"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that
+you would not go with me?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I
+didn't even think about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring
+under the delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose,
+aren't you? And that is just what I can't do; I am very, very
+poor."</p>
+
+<p>She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, worse luck, I am."</p>
+
+<p>After an interval.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful
+movement of her head.</p>
+
+<p>Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like
+drops of wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting
+her head a little on one side, and listening when I said anything,
+and I could feel her breath brush my face.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get
+angry--when I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ...
+so ... as if you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could
+only be from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing,
+for otherwise...."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't believe it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my
+arm around her waist.</p>
+
+<p>"Can I?" was all she said.</p>
+
+<p>It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me
+as being so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my
+heart, and seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a
+little away from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I
+felt ashamed, and looked out through the window. I was, in spite of
+all, in far too wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to
+imagine myself any one in particular. It would have been another
+matter if I had met her during the time that I still looked like a
+respectable human being--in my old, well- off days when I had
+sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt fearfully
+downcast!</p>
+
+<p>"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one
+can snub you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by
+just moving a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly,
+roguishly, with tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand
+being looked at, either.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see,"
+and I flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was
+mortified. Was the girl out of her senses? Did she think I was
+totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I would, by the living.... No one
+should say of me that I was backward on that score. The creature
+was possessed by the devil himself! If it were only a matter of
+going at it, well....</p>
+
+<p>She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither
+of us spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body
+greedily against my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her
+heart's beat, both hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying
+hoofbeats.</p>
+
+<p>I kissed her.</p>
+
+<p>I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she
+laughed at, whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek,
+kissed her many times....</p>
+
+<p>She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the
+breath of her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face;
+she strokes down my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a
+lot of loose hair there is."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I reply.</p>
+
+<p>"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie,
+I won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have
+believed that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already
+should lose your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way
+you really spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only
+the truth, do you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if
+you hide anything--there, tell now!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man
+you are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."</p>
+
+<p>It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid
+of thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the
+misgivings she had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in
+her eyes, make myself worthy of her, show her that she was sitting
+at the side of a person almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me,
+I could count my falls up to date on my fingers. I related--related
+all--and I only related truth. I made out nothing any worse than it
+was; it was not my intention to rouse her compassion. I told her
+also that I had stolen five shillings one evening.</p>
+
+<p>She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her
+shining eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good
+again, to disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled
+myself up.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of
+such a thing happening again; I am saved now...."</p>
+
+<p>But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she
+said, then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and
+kept silent after each "the Lord preserve me."</p>
+
+<p>I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted
+her up to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed,
+downright hurt. Was I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had
+myself been instrumental in causing the falling out of my hair?
+Would she have thought more of me if I had made myself out to be a
+<em>roué</em>?... No nonsense now;... it was just a matter of going
+at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at it, so, by the
+living...</p>
+
+<p>"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these
+distressing words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"</p>
+
+<p>I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean
+that!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon
+you followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."</p>
+
+<p>"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be
+now!"</p>
+
+<p>I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened,
+as if inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out.
+She made a despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little
+whimper.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear,
+kind...."</p>
+
+<p>I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so
+helpless, I was struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a
+compensation by giving me leave to kiss her! How charming, how
+charmingly naïve. I could have fallen down and knelt before
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this
+is...."</p>
+
+<p>She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant
+back on the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in
+reality very ill at ease.</p>
+
+<p>She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first
+thing she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket
+as if to put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went
+over to the fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had
+shown me the door, I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared
+to leave.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know; it just came into my head."</p>
+
+<p>"That was odd."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her
+with my presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went
+towards the door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give
+me her hand? I stood and waited.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained
+quietly standing over near the fireplace.</p>
+
+<p>I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her
+without saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when
+nothing was to come of it? What was the matter with her now? It
+didn't seem to put her out that I stood prepared to leave. She was
+all at once completely lost to me, and I searched for something to
+say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting word that would strike
+her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the face of my first
+resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold, disturbed
+and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling
+word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless
+fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and
+straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was
+no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding me
+that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and
+I won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that
+she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she
+had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require
+much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken
+up her jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me
+immediately. As I said before, I had presentiments; and it was not
+altogether insanity that was at the root of it....</p>
+
+<p>"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out
+of my mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did
+not come over to me.</p>
+
+<p>I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with
+the painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my
+words went home, and all the same I did not cease.</p>
+
+<p>At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one
+were not insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on
+trifles, and died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that
+I had such a nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that
+degree sharpened certain powers in me, so that they caused me
+unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse
+luck! But this had also its advantages. It helped me in certain
+situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far nicer
+observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about
+him at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he
+hears from the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this
+way a task for his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is
+quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul
+bears the sears of the fire....</p>
+
+<p>And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the
+longer I talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered,
+"My God!" a couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I
+could see well that I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment
+her--but did it, all the same. At last, being of the opinion that I
+had succeeded in telling her in rude enough terms the essentials of
+what I had to say, I was touched by her heart-stricken expression.
+I cried:</p>
+
+<p>"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already
+have my hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say.
+"You might answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the
+point of going. I don't even ask to meet you again, for it would
+torment you. But tell me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What
+had I done to you? I didn't get in your way, now, did I? Why did
+you turn away from me all at once, as if you didn't know me any
+longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare, made me even
+more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but, indeed, I am
+not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing is
+the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or
+give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I
+will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the
+floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not
+to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on
+the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at
+your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your
+eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't
+move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as
+immovable as I stand now when I point out the place to you where I
+would have knelt before you, over there on the crimson rose in the
+carpet. I don't even point with my finger. I don't point at all; I
+let it be, not to frighten you. I only nod and look over at it,
+like this! and you know perfectly well which rose I mean, but you
+won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me, and dare not come
+near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the heart to call
+me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either, any longer?
+It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I worked too
+hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had too
+much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need
+I did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or
+Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket,
+and did not buy food all the same, because I forgot it. Do you
+hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you don't stir a
+bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...."</p>
+
+<p>She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I
+looked at her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true
+heartiness, or did she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her
+arms round my neck; she had tears in her eyes; I only stood and
+looked at her. She offered her mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it
+was quite certain she was making a sacrifice as a means of putting
+an end to all this.</p>
+
+<p>She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in
+spite of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did
+not hear aright. She may not have said just those words; but she
+cast herself impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms
+about my neck for a little while, stretched even up a bit on her
+toes to get a good hold, and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I
+was afraid that she was forcing herself to show me this tenderness,
+and I only said:</p>
+
+<p>"What a darling you are now!"</p>
+
+<p>More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back,
+rushed to the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there
+behind me.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part IV</h2>
+
+<p>Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A
+foggy, dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh
+wind the whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day
+in the streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog.
+Every sound, the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the
+harness of the droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the
+hoofs, everything, sounded choked and jangling through the close
+air, that penetrated and muffled everything.</p>
+
+<p>Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the
+same.</p>
+
+<p>And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more
+closely bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where
+I had found shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money
+was exhausted long since; and yet I continued to come and go in
+this place as if I had a right to it, and was at home there. The
+landlady had, as yet, said nothing; but it worried me all the same
+that I could not pay her. In this way three weeks went by. I had
+already, many days ago, taken to writing again; but I could not
+succeed in putting anything together that satisfied me. I had not
+longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove early
+and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune
+had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.</p>
+
+<p>It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that
+I sat and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there
+since the first evening when I had money and was able to settle for
+what I got. All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last
+succeeding in getting together an article on some subject or
+another, so that I could pay for my room, and for whatever else I
+owed. That was the reason I worked on so persistently. I had, in
+particular, commenced a piece from which I expected great
+things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon which I
+intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander"
+in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent
+this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it
+only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why
+shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter
+with me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread
+and butter, mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost
+flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I
+could stare down into the street from my window on the second floor
+without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it was
+becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already
+finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was....</p>
+
+<p>But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how
+weak I had really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted.
+Namely, on this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning
+which she asked me to look over. There must be something wrong in
+this reckoning, she said; it didn't agree with her own book; but
+she had not been able to find out the mistake.</p>
+
+<p>I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and
+looked at me. I added up these score of figures first once down,
+and found the total right; then once up again, and arrived at the
+same result. I looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on
+my words. I noticed at the same time that she was pregnant; it did
+not escape my attention, and yet I did not stare in any way
+scrutinizingly at her.</p>
+
+<p>"The total is right," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't
+be so much; I am positive of it."</p>
+
+<p>And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this
+little huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I
+tried honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but
+couldn't succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for
+some minutes I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to
+dance about in my head; I could no longer distinguish debit or
+credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop
+at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My
+brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese,
+and got no farther.</p>
+
+<p>"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here;
+you can see for yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind
+of Dutch cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this
+case five ounces."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted,
+although in truth I understood nothing more whatever.</p>
+
+<p>I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could
+have totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully,
+and thought over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I
+blinked my eyes reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter
+sharply, but I had to give it up. These five ounces of cheese
+finished me completely; it was as if something snapped within my
+forehead. But yet, to give the impression that I still worked out
+my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number aloud, all
+the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if I
+were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there
+is no mistake, as far as I can see."</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I
+saw well that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to
+throw a dash of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone
+that I had never heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I
+was not accustomed to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that
+she must only apply to some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths,
+to get the account properly revised. She said all this, not in any
+hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but thoughtfully and
+seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said, without
+looking at me:</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me for taking up your time then."</p>
+
+<p>Off she went.</p>
+
+<p>A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She
+could hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had
+turned back.</p>
+
+<p>"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there
+is a little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three
+weeks yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't
+so easy to keep things going with such a big family, so that I
+can't give lodging on credit, more's the...."</p>
+
+<p>I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told
+you about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished,
+you shall have your money; you can make yourself quite
+easy...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or
+perhaps already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it
+may move me some time tonight, and then my article will be
+completed in a quarter of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't
+with my work as with other people's; I can't sit down and get a
+certain amount finished in a day. I have just to wait for the right
+moment, and no one can tell the day or hour when the spirit may
+move one--it must have its own time...."</p>
+
+<p>My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much
+shaken.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in
+despair. No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for
+me--no salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned
+into a complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a
+piece of Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my
+senses when I could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not
+I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the
+reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the
+family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me
+anything about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I
+sat and saw it with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right
+at a despairing moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How
+could I explain this to myself?</p>
+
+<p>I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into
+Vognmandsgade. Some children were playing down on the pavement;
+poorly dressed children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed
+an empty bottle between them and screamed shrilly. A load of
+furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to some dislodged
+family, forced to change residence between "flitting time." <a
+name="fnr6"></a> <a href="#fn6" class="fnsuper">6</a> This struck
+me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float,
+moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with
+three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her
+nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little
+blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of
+frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on,
+and looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to
+one another....</p>
+
+<p>I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the
+window and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant
+singing in the kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air
+she was singing, and I listened to hear if she would sing false,
+and I said to myself that an idiot could not have done all
+this.</p>
+
+<p>I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up
+and begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one
+of them; he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what
+they are saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children
+crowded together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did
+they expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers,
+bones, cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse
+themselves with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and
+unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes
+continued to revile one another.</p>
+
+<p>Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their
+childish mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors'
+oaths, that they perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are
+both so engaged that they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out
+to see what is going on.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I
+couldn't breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man
+who is the cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning
+maliciously at him, he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to
+hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To think such vermin as you should
+catch folk by the throat. I will, may the Lord...."</p>
+
+<p>And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole
+street with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes
+him by the arm and tries to drag him in:</p>
+
+<p>"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear,
+too, as if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with
+you."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you will."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't."</p>
+
+<p>I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is
+rising; this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't
+endure it any longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a
+minute; I call twice, just to distract them--to change the scene.
+The last time I call very loudly, and the mother turns round
+flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her self-possession at
+once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright maliciously, and
+enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring. She talks
+loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought to
+be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are."</p>
+
+<p>Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not
+even one little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was
+acutely keen; I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood
+and thought out my own thought, about each thing according as it
+occurred. So it was impossible that there could be anything the
+matter with my brain. How could there, in this case, be anything
+the matter with it?</p>
+
+<p>Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you
+have been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving
+yourself no end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end
+to this tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and
+apprehend everything as accurately as you do? You make me almost
+laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without its humorous
+side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to every
+man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the
+simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure
+accident. As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a
+good laugh at your expense. As far as that huckster account is
+concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I
+can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!-- a cheese with cloves and pepper in
+it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the matter plainly, one
+could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous cheese is concerned,
+it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the world to be puzzled
+over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to finish a man;
+... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other Dutch
+cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said
+I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.</p>
+
+<p>I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly
+diverting. There was positively no longer anything the matter with
+me. I was in good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form;
+I had a level head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and
+thanked! My mirth rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed
+with myself. I laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it
+really seemed, too, as if I only needed this little happy hour,
+this moment of airy rapture, without a care on any side, to get my
+head into working order once more.</p>
+
+<p>I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first- rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour
+without getting tired.</p>
+
+<p>I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of
+a Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a
+point, that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in
+comparison. I was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright
+profound way, this thought. It was not books that were burning, it
+was brains, human brains; and I intended to make a perfect
+Bartholomew's night of these burning brains.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste;
+my landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle
+of the room, she did not even pause on the threshold.</p>
+
+<p>I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a
+blow.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to
+sleep downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to
+yourself there too." And before she got my answer, she began,
+without further ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the
+table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire
+confusion.</p>
+
+<p>My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in
+anger and despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing,
+never uttered a syllable. She thrust all the papers into my
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the
+room. And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new
+traveller already on the stairs; a young man with great blue
+anchors tattooed on the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed
+him, bearing a sea-chest on his shoulders. He was evidently a
+sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he would therefore not
+occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps, too, I might be
+lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my moments
+again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay
+on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to
+submit to fate.</p>
+
+<p>I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common
+room in which they all lived, both day and night--the husband,
+wife, wife's father, and four children. The servant lived in the
+kitchen, where she also slept at night. I approached the door with
+much repugnance, and knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices
+inside.</p>
+
+<p>The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge
+my nod even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no
+concern of his. Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person
+I had seen down on the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass."
+An infant lay and prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old
+man, the landlady's father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed,
+and bent his head down Over his hands as if his chest or stomach
+pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in his
+crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its
+ears at something.</p>
+
+<p>"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I
+said to the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."</p>
+
+<p>To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the
+cards. There this man sat, day after day, and played cards with
+anybody who happened to come in--played for nothing, only just to
+kill time, and have something in hand. He never did anything else,
+only moved just as much as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his
+wife bustled up and down stairs, was occupied on all sides, and
+took care to draw customers to the house. She had put herself in
+connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she paid a
+certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often
+gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was
+"Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the new lodger.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively
+wretched. A while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her
+where she intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that
+I could lie in here together with the others, or out in the
+ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she
+fussed about the room and busied herself with different things that
+she set in order, and she never once looked at me.</p>
+
+<p>My spirits were crushed by her reply.</p>
+
+<p>I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make
+it appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room
+for another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on
+purpose not to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the
+house.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then
+held my tongue.</p>
+
+<p>She still bustled about the room.</p>
+
+<p>"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't
+afford to give people credit for their board and lodging," said
+she, "and I told you that before, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I
+get my article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give
+you an extra five shillings--willingly."</p>
+
+<p>But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that;
+and I could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a
+slight mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>A few days passed over.</p>
+
+<p>I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in
+the ante- room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on
+the floor of the room.</p>
+
+<p>The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not
+seem like moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in
+and related how he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he
+was going to take his first-mate's examination before leaving, that
+was why he was staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and
+understood that my room was lost to me for ever.</p>
+
+<p>I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky
+enough to get anything written, it would have perforce to be here
+where it was quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me;
+I had got a new idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a
+one-act drama--"The Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the
+Middle Ages. I had especially thought out everything in connection
+with the principal characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who
+had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate
+against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the
+altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt for
+heaven.</p>
+
+<p>I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went
+on. She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes,
+and was exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be
+deformed and repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when
+she walked, her long limbs should gleam through her draperies at
+every stride she took. She was also to have large outstanding ears.
+Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable
+to look at. What interested me in her was her wonderful
+shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin which
+she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was
+absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and
+I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had
+finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much
+effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with
+cold and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the
+last half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the
+children inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case,
+have written any more just then. So I took a long time up over
+Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering
+incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my
+drama. Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following
+happened:</p>
+
+<p>I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann
+Street, almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just
+outside this shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood
+there, but did not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then;
+my thoughts were far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of
+people talking together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing
+of what was said. Then a voice greeted me loudly:</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening."</p>
+
+<p>It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I
+looked at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, always well ... as usual."</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with
+Christie?"</p>
+
+<p>"Christie?"</p>
+
+<p>"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at
+Christie's?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along
+with that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own
+accord."</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"</p>
+
+<p>"A false entry, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the
+face if I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently
+with much interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made
+no reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he
+said, as if to console me. He still believed I had made a false
+entry designedly.</p>
+
+<p>"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the
+best fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you
+stand there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty
+of such a mean trick as that? I!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you
+distinctly say that."</p>
+
+<p>"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if
+you want to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the
+pen wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell
+right from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were,
+into the bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of
+honour that keeps me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at
+least, it has kept me up to date."</p>
+
+<p>I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down
+the street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on
+a woman at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with
+"Missy," I would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I
+would not have given this toss of my head, as I turned away in
+offence; and so perhaps this red dress would have passed me without
+my having noticed it. And at bottom what did it concern me? What
+was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the
+lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to make good
+his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the
+whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up
+the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding
+delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the
+two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his hat to them, and
+followed them with his eyes. I did not raise my hat, or perhaps I
+did unconsciously. The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and
+disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."</p>
+
+<p>"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know
+the lady?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd.
+Why, it was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."</p>
+
+<p>"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know
+her. It dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were
+three jovial souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and
+met this being going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they
+addressed her. At first she answered rebuffingly; but one of the
+jovial spirits, a man who neither feared fire nor water, asked her
+right to her face if he might not have the civilized enjoyment of
+accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord, not hurt a hair on
+her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her door,
+reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he
+could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along,
+hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag,
+and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged
+to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my
+breath for his reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."</p>
+
+<p>We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks
+like," he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with
+that fellow; well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."</p>
+
+<p>I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the
+pace with her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her
+good-day with all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to
+console myself by thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a
+downright pleasure in dragging her through the mire. It only
+annoyed me to think that I had doffed my hat to the pair, if I
+really had done so. Why should I raise my hat to such people? I did
+not care for her any longer, certainly not; she was no longer in
+the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen off. Ah, the
+devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been the
+case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least
+astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her.
+But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute,
+like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously besmirched
+of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day
+might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight
+into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It
+might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I
+knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama
+during the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I
+would have brought this young woman to her knees--with all her
+charms, ha, ha! with all her charms....</p>
+
+<p>"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He
+queried:</p>
+
+<p>"But what do you do all day now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I
+live by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign
+of the Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed
+with that, why...."</p>
+
+<p>"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight
+days' time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a
+little more of me."</p>
+
+<p>With that I left him.</p>
+
+<p>When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested
+a lamp. It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I
+would not go to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I
+hoped so surely to be able to write a good portion of it before
+morning. I put forward my request very humbly to her, as I had
+noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on my re-entering the
+sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a remarkable
+drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that it
+might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she
+would only just render me this great service now....</p>
+
+<p>But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call
+to mind that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until
+twelve o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I
+buy myself a candle?</p>
+
+<p>I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew
+that right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat
+inside with us-- simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the
+kitchen at all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I
+stood and thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl
+remarked to me:</p>
+
+<p>"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were
+you at a dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something
+here, in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed
+persistently at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything;
+but it helped not a whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The
+landlady's two little girls came in and made a row with the cat--a
+queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its
+eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled down its nose. The
+landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and played <em>cent
+et un</em>. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and sewed at
+some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the
+midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more
+about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had
+been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile towards
+me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account.
+Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big
+fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at
+me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She
+inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as
+she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was
+clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a
+pleasure in letting me know of it.</p>
+
+<p>I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to
+find a solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain;
+a strange buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust
+the papers into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting
+straight opposite me. I look at her--look at her narrow back and
+drooping shoulders, that are not yet fully developed. What business
+was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing I did come out of the
+palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She had laughed
+insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit awkward and
+stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my coat.
+It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy,
+that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected
+fragments of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made
+fun of them in every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my
+expense. I had never molested her in any way, and could not recall
+that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On the contrary, I
+made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in order not
+to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too, because
+my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I washed
+in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been
+run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in
+them. "God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them;
+"they are as wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were
+trodden out. But then I couldn't procure myself any others just at
+present.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the
+evident malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease
+the old man over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully
+bent on this diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked
+into his ears. I looked on at this for a while, and refrained from
+interfering. The old fellow did not move a finger to defend
+himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious eyes each
+time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the
+straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at
+this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father
+looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also
+drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children
+aside with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the
+landlord.</p>
+
+<p>And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out
+of fear of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this
+scene, I stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself
+quiet. Why should I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and
+butter by poking my nose into the family squabbles? No idiotic
+pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man, and I stood and felt
+as delightfully hard as a flint.</p>
+
+<p>The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them
+that the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at
+his eyes and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous
+expression; he said nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly
+he raised the upper part of his body a little and spat in the face
+of one of the little girls, drew himself up again and spat at the
+other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on, saw that the
+landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and sprang
+over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old
+boar?"</p>
+
+<p>"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside
+myself.</p>
+
+<p>But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I
+certainly did not utter my protest with any particular force; I
+only trembled over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards
+me, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just
+keep your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you,
+'twill serve you best."</p>
+
+<p>But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was
+filled with scolding and railing.</p>
+
+<p>"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the
+whole pack of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here
+you'll have to be quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that
+one is to keep open house and food for vermin, but one is to have
+sparring and rowing and the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room
+as well. But I won't have any more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h!
+Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your noses, too; if
+you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of such
+people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny
+to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the
+night and quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean
+to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you can go your
+way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to have
+peace in my own quarters, I am."</p>
+
+<p>I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again
+next the door and listened to the noise. They all screamed
+together, even the children, and the girl who wanted to explain how
+the whole disturbance commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all
+blow over sometime; it would surely not come to the worst if I only
+did not utter a word; and what word after all could I have to say?
+Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far advanced into the night,
+besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and show one could hold
+one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no attempt to
+leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never felt
+ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared
+coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an
+oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the landlady's
+attack.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as
+well.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to
+them. "If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean,
+if there's the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will
+be shown quick enough who it is...."</p>
+
+<p>She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short
+intervals, and spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it
+was me she meant. "Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She
+had not asked me to go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no
+putting on side on my part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!...
+That was really most singular green hair on that Christ in the
+oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or expressed with
+exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly correct
+remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas
+darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text,
+Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day
+of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour down
+to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory,
+just like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on
+the right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head
+during the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust
+me from her door.</p>
+
+<p>"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this
+house. Now you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is
+mad, I do! Now, out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more
+chat about it."</p>
+
+<p>I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly
+not in order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had
+been a key in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in
+along with the rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical
+dread of going out into the streets again.</p>
+
+<p>But there was no key in the door.</p>
+
+<p>Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his
+wife, and I stood still with amazement. The same man who had
+threatened me a while ago took my part, strangely enough now. He
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can
+be punished for doing that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't
+say, but perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself
+quickly, grew quiet, and spoke no more.</p>
+
+<p>She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper,
+but I did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I
+pretended that I had had a little food in town.</p>
+
+<p>When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed,
+she came out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly,
+whilst her unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:</p>
+
+<p>"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow,
+if I tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some
+hiding-place. For the time being I would rejoice that I was not
+obliged to go out tonight.</p>
+
+<p>I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet
+light when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain
+in all my clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to
+do. When I had drunk a little cold water and opened the door
+quietly, I went out directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady
+again.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the
+only living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men
+began to extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end,
+reached Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and
+still sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and
+very hungry, I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For
+three weeks I had lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my
+landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four
+hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at
+me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this
+thought I fell asleep again upon the seat....</p>
+
+<p>I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when
+I had collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and
+that every one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun
+burst over the heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my
+delight over the lovely morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks,
+I forgot all cares, and it seemed to me as if I had fared worse on
+other occasions. I clapped myself on the chest and sang a little
+snatch for myself. My voice sounded so wretched, downright
+exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with it. This
+magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too
+mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer,
+but hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the
+bridge. A large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged
+coal. I read her name, <em>Copégoro</em>, on her side. It
+distracted me for a time to watch what took place on board this
+foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she lay with IX foot
+visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had already
+taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship
+whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy
+boots.</p>
+
+<p>The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this
+busy, merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to
+run lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few
+scenes of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of
+my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that
+ought to swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so
+I skipped over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the
+Deemster's oration to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote
+half-a-page of this oration, upon which I stopped. The right local
+colour would not tinge my words, the bustle about me, the shanties,
+the noise of the gangways, and the ceaseless rattle of the iron
+chains, fitted in so little with the atmosphere of the musty air of
+the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my drama as with a
+mist.</p>
+
+<p>I bundled my papers together and got up.</p>
+
+<p>All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.</p>
+
+<p>If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right
+there in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a
+single quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an
+hour. There was no other way open; I would have to go back to the
+lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I
+told myself all the while that it would not do. I went ahead all
+the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot.
+Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it was
+degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was
+not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I
+was one of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead.</p>
+
+<p>I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no
+matter what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said
+and done, what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first
+it was only a matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord
+forbid that I should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I
+entered the yard. Even whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I
+was irresolute, and almost turned round at the very door. I
+clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could excuse myself
+by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper adieu, and
+come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house....</p>
+
+<p>I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of
+a sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the
+law to me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus
+dictate I and my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to
+think over what his conscience should dictate to him. A little row
+reached me from the room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine
+anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me what noise
+arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet
+now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything
+conspired against me. Outside in the street, something was taking
+place that disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the
+sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear
+of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot of paper
+streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and begins to
+curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and catches
+sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is leaning
+out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down on
+his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five
+minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the
+little lad's tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible
+to get any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it
+seemed to me that even that which I had already written was unfit
+to use, ay, that the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could
+one possibly talk of conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was
+first invented by Dancing- master Shakespeare, consequently my
+whole address was wrong. Was there, then, nothing of value in these
+pages? I ran through them anew, and solved my doubt at once. I
+discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy pieces of remarkable
+merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set to work again
+darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama.</p>
+
+<p>I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to
+my landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the
+room firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the
+second floor, and entered my former room. The man was not there,
+and what was to hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would
+not touch one of his things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I
+would just seat myself on a chair near the door, and be happy. I
+spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees. Things went splendidly
+for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready in my head, and I
+wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the other, dashed
+ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over my
+happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I
+heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.</p>
+
+<p>A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church
+bell--a church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my
+drama. All was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard
+a step on the stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit
+ready to bolt, timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and
+excited by hunger. I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still
+in my hand, and listen. I cannot write a word more. The door opens
+and the pair from below enter.</p>
+
+<p>Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done,
+the landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here
+again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no
+farther; the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go,
+and shrieked:</p>
+
+<p>"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the
+police!"</p>
+
+<p>I got up.</p>
+
+<p>"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had
+to wait for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on
+the chair...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the
+devil does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"</p>
+
+<p>By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I
+got furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my
+heels to get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the
+worst abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I
+bethought myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of
+gratitude to the stranger man who followed her, and would have to
+hear them. She trod close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my
+anger increased with every step I took.</p>
+
+<p>We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating
+whether I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment
+completely blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an
+expression that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in
+her stomach. A commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches
+his hat; I take no notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he
+inquires for me, but I do not turn round. A couple of steps outside
+the door he overtakes and stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear
+it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no
+note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask:</p>
+
+<p>"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave
+it to me."</p>
+
+<p>I stood still. The commissionaire left.</p>
+
+<p>I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her
+face. I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she
+was examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what
+one might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word,
+not to mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect
+calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face
+of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with
+dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I....</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place,
+the street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it
+buzzed vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of
+a house. I could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten
+myself from the cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it,
+so I remained standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my
+senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I
+lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried several
+other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth,
+wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a
+little. My thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was
+about to succumb. I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back
+from the wall. The street still danced wildly round me. I began to
+hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my very inmost soul with my
+misery; made a right gallant effort not to sink down. It was not my
+intention to collapse; no, I would die standing. A dray rolls
+slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in it; but out of sheer
+fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to assert that they
+are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful oaths that
+they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I
+swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated
+with the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three
+fingers in the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of
+the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.</p>
+
+<p>Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and
+dried the sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long
+breaths, and forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it
+declined towards the afternoon. I began once more to brood over my
+condition. My hunger was really something disgraceful, and, in a
+few hours more, night would be here again. The question was, to
+think of a remedy while there was yet time. My thoughts flew again
+to the lodging-house from which I had been hunted away. I could on
+no account return there; but yet one could not help thinking about
+it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite within her rights
+in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging with any one
+when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally given me
+a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her, she
+offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer
+good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....</p>
+
+<p>Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger
+brought me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I
+thought clearly over this, and I divined at once how the whole
+thing hung together. I grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered
+"Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice, and flung back my head.
+Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had decided to pass her
+proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the greatest
+indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion,
+and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an
+end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a
+decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I
+turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To
+accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back
+to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance
+offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of
+one's intense inner aversion....</p>
+
+<p>Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To
+go back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no
+use. There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only
+to exert myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in
+this case, great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary
+way! I must consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being;
+consider and find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I
+set to, to consider the answer to this problem.</p>
+
+<p>It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could
+perhaps meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama
+completed.</p>
+
+<p>I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with
+might and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I
+sweat, and re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No
+bosh! I say--no obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write
+down everything that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and
+be able to go away. I tried to persuade myself that a new supreme
+moment had seized me; I lied right royally to myself, deceived
+myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to seek for
+words.</p>
+
+<p>That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I,
+interpolatingly; only just write it down! Halt! they sound
+questionable; they contrast rather strongly with the speeches in
+the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle Ages shone through the
+monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth, jump to my feet,
+tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling my hat down
+in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to myself.
+Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few
+words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is
+standing in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to
+me. As I lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing
+there for a long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and
+go over to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he
+hauls out his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole
+time.</p>
+
+<p>"About four," he replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know
+your business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He
+looked utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping
+mouth, still holding his watch in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back.
+He was still standing in the same position, following me with his
+eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing
+a little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without
+feeling any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort
+of any kind, I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market,
+turned round at the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench
+near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of
+indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign or not? When
+once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no want
+where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was
+sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the
+messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole
+half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there was positively no
+help for it.</p>
+
+<p>I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract
+myself with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the
+half-sovereign still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my
+fists and got angry. It would hurt her if I were to send it back.
+Why, then, should I do so? Always ready to consider myself too good
+for everything--to toss my head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what
+it led to. I was out in the street again. Even when I had the
+opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I must needs
+be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man to
+stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my
+way.... I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging
+and brought myself into the most distressful circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of
+the yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign,
+and I had barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid
+it away to utterly strange people whom I would never see again.
+That was the sort of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit
+whatever I owed. If I knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret
+that she had sent me the money, therefore why did I sit there
+working myself into a rage? To put it plainly, the least she could
+do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and then. The poor girl was
+indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally in love with me;
+... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion. There was no
+doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.</p>
+
+<p>It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my
+prolonged nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made
+itself felt anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and
+gazed at the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was
+waging a fierce battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering
+greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out into space, a figure
+becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At last I can
+distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is that of
+the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the
+sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat,
+and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman
+before the same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and
+snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No
+nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if it was the wages of
+sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from
+Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of too much
+pride....</p>
+
+<p>I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and
+shape my words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would
+return sometime.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."</p>
+
+<p>"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.</p>
+
+<p>I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of
+hers, this pretending not to know me again, and say:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did
+not say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call
+to mind, I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest
+folk to deal with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to
+say, draw up a contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who
+gave you the money!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come
+to think over it...."</p>
+
+<p>I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I
+say, therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in
+search of something to eat:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."</p>
+
+<p>She did not seem to take this in.</p>
+
+<p>"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any
+rate, the first instalment; I don't need all of them today."</p>
+
+<p>"You've come to get them?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from
+the outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up
+from the table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.</p>
+
+<p>When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle
+of clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her
+wares, and gives me to understand that she had not expected me to
+return to rob her of them.</p>
+
+<p>"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care
+of, without that person returning and demanding them again? No;
+just look at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that
+it was stolen money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No;
+she didn't think that either. Well, that at least was a good
+thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so say, kind of her,
+in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed,
+she really was good!</p>
+
+<p>But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was
+exasperated, and called out loudly about it. I explained why I had
+given her the money, explained it temperately and with emphasis. It
+was my custom to act in this manner, because I had such a belief in
+every one's goodness. Always when any one offered me an agreement,
+a receipt, I only shook my head and said: No, thank you! God knows
+I did.</p>
+
+<p>But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to
+other expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense.
+Had it never happened to her before that any one had paid her in
+advance in this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who
+could afford it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I
+could not be expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange
+mode of procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had
+perhaps never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No?
+Just look at that now! In that case, she could of course have no
+opinion on the subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of
+her stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of
+my hand and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the
+table, and threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient
+with her, I said. Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I
+would clear her whole stand, because it was a big sum of money that
+I had given to her. But I had no intention of taking so much, I
+wanted in reality only half the value of the money, and I would,
+into the bargain, never come back to trouble her again. Might God
+preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of creature she
+was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or five,
+at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think
+of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her,
+persisted that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a
+shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you
+know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I; "God
+help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth,
+begged me to go.</p>
+
+<p>And I left her.</p>
+
+<p>Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found.
+The whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and
+ate my cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her
+shamelessness, repeated to myself what we both had said to one
+another, and it seemed to me that I had come out of this affair
+with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of
+everybody and talked this over to myself.</p>
+
+<p>The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no
+matter how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they
+were of no help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour
+the last little cake that I had decided to spare, right from the
+beginning, to put it aside, in fact, for the little chap down in
+Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played with the paper streamers.
+I thought of him continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped
+and swore. He had turned round towards the window when the man spat
+down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was laughing at
+him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down that
+way.</p>
+
+<p>I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed
+quickly by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and
+where some scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman
+whom I had amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which
+the laddie had been sitting.</p>
+
+<p>He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was
+gathering in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone
+in. I laid the cake down, stood it upright against the door,
+knocked hard, and hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I
+said to myself; the first thing he will do when he comes out will
+be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought
+of the little chap finding the cake.</p>
+
+<p>I reached the terminus again.</p>
+
+<p>Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten
+began to cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up
+anew in my head.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one
+of those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I
+walk farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it,
+fold my hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and
+more confused. I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to
+keep up any longer. I just sit there and stare at the
+<em>Copégoro</em>, the barque flying the Russian flag.</p>
+
+<p>I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at
+the port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to
+him. I had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a
+reply, either.</p>
+
+<p>I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"</p>
+
+<p>I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was
+met by a refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the
+man gave me, so I stood and waited for it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young
+fellow."</p>
+
+<p>"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway,
+and strode on deck.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put
+to. Where are you bound for?"</p>
+
+<p>"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the
+same to me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am
+used to a little of all sorts."</p>
+
+<p>He bethought himself again.</p>
+
+<p>I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this
+voyage, and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can
+really do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a
+poor sort of chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I
+was put to. I can take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to
+that. It would only do me good, and I could hold out all the
+same."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can
+part in England."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again
+that we could part in England if it didn't work.</p>
+
+<p>And he set me to work....</p>
+
+<p>Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present
+to the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly
+in all the homes.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p>THE END</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><strong>Footnotes</strong></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn1"></a> <a href="#fnr1">[1]</a>
+Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway shave
+themselves.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn2"></a> <a href="#fnr2">[2]</a>
+Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap eating-house.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn3"></a> <a href="#fnr3">[3]</a> The
+last family bearing title of nobility in Norway.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn4"></a> <a href="#fnr4">[4]</a>
+Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn5"></a> <a href="#fnr5">[5]</a>
+Dwelling of the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn6"></a> <a href="#fnr6">[6]</a>
+In Norway, l4th of March and October.</p>
+
+<hr>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+***** This file should be named 8387-h.htm or 8387-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/8/3/8/8387/
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
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+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
+
+
+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Posting Date: August 23, 2010 [EBook #8387]
+Release Date: June, 2005
+First Posted: July 6, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerloef in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantic movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJOeRKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It
+was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the
+stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old
+numbers of the _Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice
+from the Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an
+inflated advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to
+think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat
+hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken
+to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had
+kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had
+favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from
+some newspaper or other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements
+near the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of
+"winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That
+occupied me for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I
+got up and put on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a
+view of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins
+of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I
+leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open
+space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of
+the year, when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us.
+The ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room,
+the floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it,
+seemed like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening
+to the door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night
+to dry them a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert
+myself with was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in
+the evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned
+up through the floor and from out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_
+near the door was rent in strips a span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail
+me aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I
+could not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There
+was always something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist
+in the Fire Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some
+half-hundred men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength
+and bravery, whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the
+applicants, felt their arms, and put one question or another to them.
+Me, he passed by, merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on
+account of my sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there
+with knitted brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man
+passed me by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than
+all, I could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a
+respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards
+or parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers,
+I had thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous
+subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain;
+in despair I had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long
+hours of intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was
+finished I set to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the
+editors' "no." I used to tell myself constantly that some day I was
+bound to succeed; and really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and
+made a hit with something, I could get five shillings for an
+afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I
+stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract my
+landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had fallen
+due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the
+pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous
+traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and
+more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely
+take a morning walk in the open air. What had the air to do with my
+lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A
+sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took
+possession of me. I fell to observing the people I met and who passed
+me, to reading the placards on the wall, noted even the impression of a
+glance thrown at me from a passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each
+trifling incident that crossed or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense
+of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became
+ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner.
+As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front
+of her head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last
+few days that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The
+long yellow snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum,
+and her gaze was still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I
+immediately lost all appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me.
+When I reached the market-place I went to the fountain and drank a
+little. I looked up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself
+about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a
+side street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go,
+wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to
+and fro amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright
+and my mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried
+a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength
+in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted
+from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his
+bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in
+Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he
+in such a hurry? I had not the slightest intention of asking him for a
+shilling, and, more than that, I intended at the very first opportunity
+to return him a blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden
+to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article
+I felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to
+draw from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable
+place to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my
+article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead
+of me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in
+front of me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless;
+perhaps he had made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I
+had, and I must needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my
+irritation it seemed to me that he slackened his pace a little at every
+cross street, as if waiting to see which direction I intended to take,
+upon which he would again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with
+all his might to keep ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome
+creature and get more and more exasperated with him, I am conscious
+that he has, little by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the
+pure, beautiful morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks
+like a great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a
+place in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we
+reached the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an opportunity
+of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some minutes, I again
+walked on there was the man still in front of me--he too had stood
+stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or four furious
+onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For
+milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know
+how much you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, minutes
+and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the
+waistcoat on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to
+be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he
+standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined
+the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did
+the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not
+as good as begun to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I
+had no fear whatever for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What
+on earth business was it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a
+drink on such a lovely day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my
+mind to give him a good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back
+my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at
+a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came
+to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed
+me back the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him,
+told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for
+nothing? If all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had
+just recollected an old debt; he was standing before an honest man,
+honourable to his finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no
+thanks were needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I
+could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped
+before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and
+I decided to go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on
+to the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a
+square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me
+that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could
+no longer be satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple
+and straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might
+arrive at, ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much
+greater effort than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome
+difficulties, and I decided on a treatise, in three sections, on
+"Philosophical Cognition." This would, naturally, give me an
+opportunity of crushing pitiably some of Kant's sophistries ... but, on
+taking out my writing materials to commence work, I discovered that I
+no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My
+pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me
+today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of
+turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near
+the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators;
+otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a
+thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a
+maniac. How strangely awry things seemed to go! To think that an
+article in three sections should be downright stranded by the simple
+fact of my not having a pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I
+were to return to Pyle Street and ask to get my pencil back? There
+would be still time to get a good piece finished before the promenading
+public commenced to fill the parks. So much, too, depended on this
+treatise on "Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings'
+welfare, no one could say; and I told myself it might be of the
+greatest possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I
+would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I
+would only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I
+came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in
+the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day;
+it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant
+hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my
+pencil from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I
+passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I
+looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and,
+becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe
+at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking
+thought of her own. Or can it be because I touched her arm? Her high,
+full bosom heaves violently several times, and she closes her hand
+tightly above the handle of her parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil
+incident, and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on
+a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically
+inspired, take a singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd
+desire to make this lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some
+way. I overtake her again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet
+her face-to-face in order to observe her well. I stand and gaze into
+her eyes, and hit, on the spur of the moment, on a name which I have
+never heard before--a name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When
+she is quite close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly
+as I said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to
+stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired
+with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me.
+I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing
+the fool. I made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and
+coughed frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very
+slowly, and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back,
+and involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her
+annoyance. By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far,
+far away in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not
+I who was going along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already
+stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and
+repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it
+is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity
+in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a
+book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her
+hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts
+her sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what
+book it is I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one,
+now another expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the
+very buttons on her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened
+eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm.
+"He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without
+my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street
+towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a
+very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window
+opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with
+her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on the outside.
+Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted.
+Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were
+suddenly surrounded by a strong light. The ladies before me had each a
+blue bird's wing in their hats, and a plaid silk ribbon round their
+necks. It struck me that they were sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I
+stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they
+had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street
+and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their
+heels as I dared to be. They turned round once, and sent me a
+half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw no resentment nor any
+trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me
+lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer
+gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them
+until they entered some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before
+going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened
+for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor.
+I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then
+something odd happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second
+after a window opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes
+dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots
+and strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We
+stand and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a
+minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word
+is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock
+through my senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears
+across the floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the
+accentuation in that movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My
+blood was sensible of all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all
+at once rarely glad. Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window.
+The more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I
+became. Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely
+all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are
+being watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well
+as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my
+gait became unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look
+well. In order to appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms
+about, spat out, and threw my head well back--all without avail, for I
+continually felt the pursuing eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran
+down my back. At length I escaped down a side street, from which I took
+the road to Pyle Street to get my pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets.
+I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with
+him, and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable
+impression on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back
+again to the counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that
+I owed him an explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little.
+I began to hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the
+pencil in my hand, I held it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any
+and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different
+matter; there Was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it
+looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the
+world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come
+right over to the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he
+never heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost
+as much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort
+of man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the
+door with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in
+a high position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed
+twice profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I
+heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I
+recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door
+with his knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began
+to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann
+Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself
+look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances who had
+taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to gaze at the
+passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads,
+and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no
+sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not
+even a clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy
+souls. And I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and
+newly-fledged as I was, had already forgotten the very look of
+happiness. I hugged these thoughts to myself as I went on, and found
+that a great injustice had been done me. Why had the last months
+pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed to recognize my own happy
+temperament, and I met with the most singular annoyances from all
+quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or set my foot any
+place without being assailed by insignificant accidents, miserable
+details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered my
+powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and
+occupy me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me?
+But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against
+a man in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more
+and more incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected
+as an experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it,
+a peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans
+in order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat
+and sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me
+from thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began
+I could so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had
+become, as it were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I
+would go. A swarm of tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner
+man and hollowed me out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I
+had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual
+way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was
+oversated, and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The
+people who came and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At
+last my seat was taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk
+loudly together. I got angry and was on the point of addressing them,
+but turned on my heel and went right to the other end of the Park, and
+found another seat. I sat down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a
+place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but
+imploring enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any
+length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my
+head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no
+longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that
+my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and
+more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to
+draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing
+obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight
+mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven
+and told Him so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked
+quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore
+should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may
+array this miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my
+Heavenly Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the
+housetop, and hath He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly
+servitor? The Lord stuck His finger in the net of my nerves
+gently--yea, verily, in desultory fashion--and brought slight disorder
+among the threads. And then the Lord withdrew His finger, and there
+were fibres and delicate root-like filaments adhering to the finger,
+and they were the nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a
+gaping hole after the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my
+brain in the track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His
+finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall
+me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of all
+Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allee. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing
+materials to try to write something, and at the same time my book of
+shaving-tickets [Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as
+few men in Norway shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened
+it, and counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks,
+and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a better frame
+of mind on account of this little property which still remained to me.
+I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the book safely into my
+pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me;
+my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself
+together enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder;
+to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend.
+They are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on
+to, set their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or
+stand immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my
+legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet
+notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new
+impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head
+is so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought
+without tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down
+my breast and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot
+makes each time my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet,
+and I experience at this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I
+have never felt before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves,
+as if sparks of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching
+sight of my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a
+part of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a
+feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising towards me.
+"Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched my fists and I
+repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this ridiculous feeling,
+made fun of myself, with a perfect consciousness of doing so, talked
+very severely and sensibly, and closed my eyes very tightly to get rid
+of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their
+looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and
+their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give
+them expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own
+nature had gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost
+of my other I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour.
+A little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted
+phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period,
+maybe a year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my
+memory. I began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an
+old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which
+something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused,
+and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea
+entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of
+its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began to move backwards and
+forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds, dangerous documents
+stolen from some archive or other; something floated before me about a
+secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper
+as every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species
+of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting
+his package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he
+did not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life
+there was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit.
+Just the fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious
+affair distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for
+something to offer the man in order to enter into conversation with
+him, took hold of my shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it
+entered my head to be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty
+breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it
+long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read
+either, not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on
+me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did not
+need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he
+could hear people in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arriere pensee_, and I
+answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What
+number do you live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing
+up, at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is
+your landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of
+the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name
+which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and
+pretended to have heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was
+not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he
+was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man
+is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would
+not have roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down
+from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one
+lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and
+stop his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics
+to be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to
+see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in
+Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister
+of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the
+same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed
+the whole thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his
+daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves,
+and who reclined on a couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest
+creature I had ever seen; I had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her
+match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent
+air, as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a
+kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right
+into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he
+imagine she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was
+simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored
+me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter
+seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or
+other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper
+lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to
+examine it or see what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories
+of my own which floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The
+blood flew to my head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own
+much property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name
+I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every
+huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a
+syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the
+instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against
+this creature whom nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render
+suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all
+that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature
+... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might
+perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently
+and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he
+feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even
+believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your
+match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you?
+Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking
+to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my
+Sunday-best without even a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me
+tell you such treatment as yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and
+I won't endure it, the Lord strike me dead if I will--neither from you
+nor any one else, do you know that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from
+off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short,
+tottering steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink
+at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression
+came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more
+vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the
+creature before he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly
+in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the
+parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was
+calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under
+quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and
+began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten
+cause me any longer any particular distress. I leant against the back
+of the seat in the best of humours, closed my eyes, and got more and
+more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the point of falling asleep, when
+a park-keeper put his hand on my shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way
+or another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to
+me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were
+written by people all too little known to be of much use; besides that,
+constant refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me.
+At all events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the
+rest would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and
+I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only
+now one single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put
+words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long
+piece, without the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write
+this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a
+workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter
+about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me downcast,
+sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to hush everything
+into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have received their first
+warning. Up in the trees and down in the fields the sounds of
+struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring, restless; labouring
+not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole insect world is
+astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads up from the
+turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and then
+collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards,
+and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the
+roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge,
+through their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring
+me straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them,
+and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction.
+It would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my
+brain positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last,
+light, buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping
+vacuum in my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to
+be hollowed out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry
+many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and
+put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands
+in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady
+had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my
+head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again:
+the very next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account
+for myself honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this
+rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to
+flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next
+him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he
+sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but
+the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten
+claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I
+felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing him. He did not
+recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn, and his face did not
+move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to
+read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to
+find one that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of
+hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my
+man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would
+demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or
+perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in
+which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as
+I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request.
+Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret,
+put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst
+the darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be
+difficult now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened
+my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of
+the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had
+down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand
+things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal.
+I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are
+capital. Little by little others come and fit themselves to the
+preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and
+pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in
+me; one word follows another, and they fit themselves together
+harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and
+speeches bubble up in my brain, and a wonderful sense of pleasure
+empowers me. I write as one possessed, and fill page after page,
+without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I
+miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough,
+although I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am
+full of my subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as
+there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of
+bed and dress myself, It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the
+lighthouse director's announcement down near the door, and near the
+window it is already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see
+to write. I set to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have
+written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read.
+My head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and
+I decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door,
+and could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like
+letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of
+it. It was also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common
+enough green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs
+too many on the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner
+was in reality a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest
+sense of humour, one might easily split one's sides with laughter at
+it. It was far too low for a grown man, and besides that, one needed,
+so to speak, the aid of a boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short,
+the room was not adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I
+did not intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I
+had held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and
+re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took
+out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars
+and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home
+bread. I rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white
+writing-paper. Then I ransacked every corner to assure myself that I
+had left nothing behind, and as I could not find anything, went over to
+the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from
+wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I
+stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a
+low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss
+Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly
+the thought of my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed
+of my leaving, so that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal
+with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in
+which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some
+time to come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five
+shillings. I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person
+her roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling
+of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside
+and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt
+and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to
+my yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was
+on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole
+noiselessly down each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no
+glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I
+went as usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was
+half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use
+in going to the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must
+lounge about so long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient
+to raise breakfast. For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed
+hungry that day; those times were over, God be praised! That was a
+thing of the past, an evil dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about
+right under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I
+went on I tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till
+later on. It occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it
+wrapped up in paper; not only would it look better, but I need no
+longer be ashamed of carrying it.
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took
+it; this annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly
+glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common
+in this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with
+the air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He
+held the door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept
+from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy
+crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the
+damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one,
+and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as
+near to them as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living
+to balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors"
+is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On
+being asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to
+suppose that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and
+impress upon his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's
+own hands as soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his
+papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I
+said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried
+their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the
+men looked limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me
+good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly.
+I never cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply,
+in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's
+such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only
+you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his
+cane to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to
+poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor
+I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher"
+embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he
+had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had
+asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a
+lady came by just then, I stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and
+seized the opportunity to proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on
+at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a
+good deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the office,
+took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near the
+Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it
+would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps
+mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security
+had I that it was not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper
+basket?... My confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the
+graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was
+only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor
+before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings;
+the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I
+could have written anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep,
+with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself
+and been happy all through the long morning for nothing!... Of
+course!... I rushed with hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St.
+Han's Hill, until I came to the open fields; on through the narrow
+quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste plots and small tilled fields, and
+found myself at last on a country road, the end of which I could not
+see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met
+two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads,
+and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I
+passed them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me,
+sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I
+got near enough, one of them called out and asked what I had under my
+arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they both
+laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a whip curl
+round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They couldn't let me
+pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my head more or
+less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and continued on my
+way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was past four.
+Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down to the
+town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had been
+there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled against
+folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there
+in time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds,
+and knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open,
+knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his
+face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me,
+shakes his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no
+hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in
+me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter,
+yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council
+in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay,
+triumphantly win ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I
+consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query
+that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where
+I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the
+tides rush and roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to
+the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down
+Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the
+window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the
+box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat
+once more, and begin to consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself
+till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it
+could never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this
+thought with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of
+the little red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find
+myself suddenly transported to a large, double room I once occupied in
+Haegdehaugen. I could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices
+of bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into
+beef--a seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty,
+a silver fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more
+tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I
+would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach
+food, my inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an
+idiosyncrasy of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There
+was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I
+had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was
+no degree of cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up
+in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine
+pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and
+no wind; the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I
+sat was cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and
+I let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by
+now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of
+the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several
+hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible
+to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand
+dumb with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I
+say nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save
+appearances I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten
+something or other, and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt
+as much saved as if I had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried
+away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it
+was horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by
+daylight; there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking
+about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me,
+whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly
+impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods.
+If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more
+and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself
+so long trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored
+with the whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest,
+to resign myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head.
+At a place in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some
+food was displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a
+round French roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal
+in the background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as
+I had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my
+tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it
+seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry.
+I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted
+with the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many
+times before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was
+slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I
+pulled off my shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from
+Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is
+never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it
+began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres
+above. Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and I laughed aloud to
+collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered about in the gloom, only
+to lay down once more. I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that
+it was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for
+town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog,
+my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if
+they could not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkoekken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way
+to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food
+for me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and
+was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a
+change, as if something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a
+curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and,
+as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and
+bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did
+it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole
+thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this
+manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either
+how I had made myself deserving of this special persecution; and it
+suddenly entered my head that I might just as well turn rogue at once
+and go to my "Uncle's" with the blanket. I could pawn it for a
+shilling, and get three full meals, and so keep myself going until I
+thought of something else. 'Tis true I would have to swindle Hans
+Pauli. I was already on my way to the pawn-shop, but stopped outside
+the door, shook my head irresolutely, then turned back. The farther
+away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had
+conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure
+and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of
+having principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a
+muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had
+really never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be
+answerable for every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly
+with such a headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket,
+too, that belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the
+right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I
+importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my application?
+Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had
+not even applied personally to him or sought an answer! It did not
+follow, surely, that it must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious
+course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a
+little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to
+him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for
+my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of
+that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with
+spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel
+behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the
+little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of
+sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal
+with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with
+laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a
+want of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes
+in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I
+like your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could
+not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so
+much weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful
+folk on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his
+ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened
+by a blind rage that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally
+in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not
+come. Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of
+one's most earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too,
+had I written 1848? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here
+I was going about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me
+like worms, and it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of
+fate that anything in the shape of food would turn up later on in the
+day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their
+rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other
+men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which
+spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a
+watchful eye on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in
+accordance with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without
+a break in the measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range
+because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an
+unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I
+did not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation
+of the entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision
+as I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why
+should I stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of
+this bell which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her
+head and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful
+bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost
+politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was
+new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has
+advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to
+be irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living
+here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could
+not stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended
+the stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying
+that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower.
+So it had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say
+to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their
+food handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Moeller Street, and sniffed the
+fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the
+door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any fixed
+purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On
+reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a little, I
+found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside
+the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner
+of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging
+one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop
+window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a
+scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated strangely in my
+temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I
+retched, stopping here and there to escape being noticed in the open
+street. In this manner I came up to Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the
+little gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the
+side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and
+reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him
+the truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me
+now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I
+had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of
+mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Cafe between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went.
+The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let
+go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I
+could well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by
+the way, I was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied
+it--it was a large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it
+carefully, and folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper,
+together with the tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road
+leading to the Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+cafe, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all
+who went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I
+saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and
+across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my
+breast as I caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a
+greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned
+his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and
+got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got
+it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took
+his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about
+such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were
+moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back.
+"Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was
+already a piece down the street, when he called after me about the
+little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it.
+There are only a few trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the
+world," and I became so touched at my own words, they sounded so
+pathetic in the twilight, that I fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I
+walked, down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with
+myself, and repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation,
+which called forth fresh tears whenever they were on the point of
+ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I
+spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways,
+and when any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops
+where people bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself
+a sheltered place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the
+bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must
+take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an
+endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain
+where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the
+church. I would not in any case worry myself any more about that, and I
+leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about
+the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure
+standing in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a
+policeman, though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little
+attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting
+home now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there
+were eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my
+tread. Down at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet
+everywhere. I could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child
+crying a little. After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted
+the latch as I was accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the
+door noiselessly after me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from
+the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note
+lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might
+never have been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written letters
+of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an
+answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the room again if I
+were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand,
+the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself
+up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the
+stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my
+time with the laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare
+vacantly before me, holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the street. I make straight
+for the light, lean my parcel against the lamp-post and open the
+letter. All this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of light, as it
+were, darts through my breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a
+meaningless sound of joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was
+accepted--had been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked out
+with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street,
+stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at
+nothing in particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But
+whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness
+closed in, and time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted
+all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed
+me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket,
+but not a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a scat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in
+the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading
+through the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering
+head the best thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At
+last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was
+still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds
+flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but
+not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out
+again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I
+selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion
+from--but I made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if
+it were filled with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement.
+The breeze blew it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked
+at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the
+sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick
+fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and
+gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the
+same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that
+he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and
+laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with
+rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog!
+Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's
+hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had
+made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on
+the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole
+night before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes
+quite close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white
+and so full as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum
+of silver money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very
+light; maybe an expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it
+carefully with his big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed,
+slapped my thighs, and laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued
+from my throat; my laughter was hushed and feverish to the intensity of
+tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a
+turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the
+poor policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated
+over and over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he
+coughed as he threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them
+additional point, changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and
+piquant. He coughed once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet
+overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The
+darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue
+sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see outlined against the
+sky, looked with their black hulls like voiceless monsters that
+bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no pain--my hunger had taken the
+edge off it. In its stead I felt pleasantly empty, untouched by
+everything around me, and glad not to be noticed by any one. I put my
+feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I could best appreciate the
+well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not
+a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a
+whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of
+utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a
+sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear
+me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits
+me, greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting
+in a dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses,
+and will stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call
+as I approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land!
+I have waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright
+nights. And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I
+have breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds of
+people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender
+maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all is of
+emerald; and here the sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills
+of perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment
+shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she
+whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room,
+where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman.
+There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling
+was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was
+quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow
+at being still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were
+soaked through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength;
+added to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger
+again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking
+off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little
+brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street;
+and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that
+would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished
+myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran
+on. But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired
+that I did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage;
+besides, my anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up
+and drew breath. Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect
+indifference to me what such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't
+stand everything. Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no
+better. And I found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to
+myself, "He knew no better"; and with that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on
+dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave
+me no rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy
+myself a little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this
+last period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of
+late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some
+manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time with difficulty; not
+long enough for me to be restored to health before a new hunger period
+set in and reduced me again. My back and shoulders caused me the worst
+trouble. I could stop the little gnawing I had in my chest by coughing
+hard, or bending well forward as I walked, but I had no remedy for back
+and shoulders. Whatever was the reason that things would not brighten
+up for me? Was I not just as much entitled to live as any one else? for
+example, as Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two
+shoulders like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I
+not, in sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Moellergaden
+in order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten bread
+and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little, and starved
+when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a suite of rooms on
+the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a tinker's workshop, a
+loft already forsaken by God and man last winter, because the snow blew
+in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and
+went on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast
+at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye
+were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a cafe. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not
+even a little coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck
+my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried
+more violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse
+with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly
+home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys?
+Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a
+tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no
+one can open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by
+the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to
+myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask
+the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I
+had been out--in a cafe ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital
+idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could
+I simply go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with.
+I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and
+blurted it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for
+doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what
+was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but
+I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to
+every and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered
+my head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused
+no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the
+night guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands
+to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright
+cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and
+listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself
+anything better than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased.
+Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet
+over in the wall, I gave myself up to thinking over the minutes of my
+first interview with the police. This was the first time, and how
+hadn't I fooled them? "Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+_Morgenbladet_!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+_Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in the
+Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door-key and a pocket-book with
+a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up to the reserved
+section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I
+lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had
+no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence
+oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and
+tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The
+darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment
+in peace. Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one
+with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition
+has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I
+tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular
+fantasies, listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the
+exertion of striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom,
+and I never in all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no
+doubt that I found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness;
+a desperate element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The
+most ludicrous thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and
+try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach
+right into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not
+hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in
+the street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge
+from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and
+laugh: "That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a
+new word. I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have
+discovered it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign
+God, man, you have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound
+import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular
+jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new
+word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli;
+[Footnote: Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and
+who said that it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands
+fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it was to signify
+cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary
+that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It was not difficult to find a
+meaning for such a word as this. I would wait and see. In the meantime
+I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I
+wax nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and
+again, takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed
+an opinion as to what it should not signify, but had come to no
+conclusion as to what it should signify. "That is quite a matter of
+detail," I said aloud to myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated:
+"That is quite a matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised!
+and that was the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and
+hinder me from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for
+this unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my
+head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have meant
+anything like that I would have decided upon it long since and taken
+the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to signify
+something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it? and
+I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I
+answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found;
+no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh.
+Might I ask why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton,
+when I had a special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had
+discovered the word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within
+my right in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was
+aware, I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever,
+and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I
+got into bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to
+sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for
+some minutes without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk
+violently through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he
+thought to find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I
+wonder if he is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the
+pearly blue sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep?
+The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity
+which my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the
+most despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize
+this darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if
+I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to
+the sea and the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw
+me to them, and clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea,
+through dark realms that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board,
+drawn through waters, hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such
+a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I
+not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden
+frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will
+die!" and I lay for a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"...
+I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I
+was not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my
+brain that I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again,
+I stagger to the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a
+couple of times to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail
+loudly, bite my fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must
+be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore
+in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung
+myself flat on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed
+glimpse of light, sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window,
+and conducted myself like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly
+conscious of what I was doing. All my dejection had vanished; all
+despair and pain had ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far
+as my thought reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor,
+folded my hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But
+then I was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A
+homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter,
+ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet
+Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of
+red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I
+only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home!
+Might I not have the honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime
+Minister to bed? And in all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went
+over to the stretcher and lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the
+door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all
+haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through
+from last night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with
+fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and
+one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty
+repeated constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket?
+Don't forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as
+last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out
+rather late, worse luck ... cafe ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well
+then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three
+long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I
+dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They
+would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover
+who I really was; they might arrest me for false pretences; and so,
+with elevated head, the carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust
+under my coat-tails, I stride out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the
+traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I
+slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try
+and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the
+bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put
+in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave
+small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded
+me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade
+me good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan
+of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could;
+besides that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be
+so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days,
+sir. You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps
+later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my
+room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was
+that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings!
+God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five
+shares in the Dampkoekken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me laugh louder and
+louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth
+increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell of cooking
+there was here--a downright disgustingly strong smell of chops for
+dinner, phew! and I flung open the window to let out this beastly
+smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table--this miserable
+table that I was forced to support with my knees when I wrote--I bowed
+profoundly, and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's
+sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms
+are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate
+of beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses
+below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart
+as a child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to
+remember it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a
+chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had
+been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying
+on the table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old
+green blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months
+ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help
+me! He would certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at
+once. I put on my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it
+into my pocket, and hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I
+can help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office
+door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully
+out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as
+I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without
+looking up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had
+not once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice,
+and recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I,
+that he doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that
+is an order of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the
+day my celebrated story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him
+with work, rushed to his door nearly every day with unsuitable things
+that he was obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he
+wished to put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the
+road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in
+the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was
+a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get
+it just as sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the
+whole time, as I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would
+get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?"
+He had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be
+sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On
+the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood
+planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck
+one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and
+continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there?
+Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters
+that had come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who
+are sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm
+dinner from the Dampkoekken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in
+its place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with
+fatigue. The door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the
+attic. I take the letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli
+into a good humour on the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had
+such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his
+card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone
+home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple
+of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There
+was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any
+kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without
+coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or
+more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This
+numb feeling of drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some
+one come up the stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when
+he came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good
+Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up
+to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him,
+my child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again,
+"Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my
+voice whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that
+was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o!
+that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp
+impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for
+being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and
+stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for
+a bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was
+bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters
+with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams.
+An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose
+down over her wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of
+nice things, and I turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole
+quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to
+him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there....
+Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a
+rat, and did not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and
+left. I rose, too, and followed him, firmly determined to convince him
+of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I;
+and I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render
+him a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would
+be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in
+all haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and
+the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther
+away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of
+Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful strain. The
+flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through my blood; my
+nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and I fall back on
+the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones,
+and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above
+the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little
+tin plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all
+my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and
+she goes away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it
+would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little
+street wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give
+her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was
+in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished
+child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to
+let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts
+his way through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little
+girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand
+there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However
+could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself
+that it is lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking
+about me, towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is
+shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and
+stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up
+against the wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is
+lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were
+to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps
+it would be no use, though buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and
+examine them, and find them as good as new--that was a lucky idea all
+the same; I could cut them off with my penknife and take them to the
+pawn-office. The hope of being able to sell these five buttons cheered
+me immediately, and I cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My
+delight got the upper hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the
+buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed
+soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when
+you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons
+than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit
+of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well!
+But I must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you
+were obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in
+peace.... Yes, well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait
+here whilst you are out looking for him, and I won't steal anything
+from you. Well, good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen;
+have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of
+the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in
+my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked,
+and entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I
+again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his
+paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained
+about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for
+me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could
+I not see then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed
+to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather
+die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt
+once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office
+without having asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of
+my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so
+before? "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it
+really have entered your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him
+to inconvenience again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the
+effrontery of which I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the
+shabbiest thing I ever heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly
+tear the eyes out of his head just because you happen to need a
+shilling, you miserable dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big
+thumping lout; I'll teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself,
+left one street after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on
+with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle Street,
+when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with vexation at not
+being able to run any farther. I was trembling over my whole body, and
+I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and, in order to
+torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to keep
+standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though,
+even then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry;
+I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now
+I could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself,
+dealing out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and
+more moved, and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet,
+heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same
+place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children
+played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other
+side of the street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I
+stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made your
+voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From
+exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea.
+I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose
+by it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You
+are hungry; you have come on important business--the first thing
+needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a
+sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do
+you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting
+with the powers of darkness and great voiceless monsters at night, so
+that it is a horror to think of; you hunger and thirst for wine and
+milk, and don't get them. It has gone so far with you. Here you stand
+and haven't as much as a halfpenny to bless yourself with. But you
+believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you haven't yet lost your faith;
+and then you must clasp your hands together, and look a very Satan of a
+fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you
+hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now it's quite another
+thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few
+shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your
+head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I
+intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long
+walk? There I stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was
+such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a
+call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature
+didn't understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just
+for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the
+road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to
+feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour
+too late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches
+near the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for
+me now! I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last
+degree. I sat there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad,
+motionless, and starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most
+strangely and sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer.
+My jaws were tired of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply
+gave up. A brown orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which
+I had at once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the
+veins swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but
+keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a
+matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day earlier or
+one day later? If I had conducted myself like an ordinary being I
+should have gone home long ago, and laid myself down to rest, and given
+in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I was to die. It was in the
+time of the fall, and all things were hushed to sleep. I had tried
+every means, exhausted every resource of which I knew. I fondled this
+thought sentimentally, and each time I still hoped for a possible
+succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to
+die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake.
+The blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the
+heart. I arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in
+all my fibres, and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green
+blanket--the green blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case
+of fetching something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's
+workshop. Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go
+over to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely
+superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in me--half inward
+cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole
+of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell
+on the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters
+from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind
+the counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them
+in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and
+said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better
+on the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny
+on it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it
+might go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I
+took it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every
+trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my right
+mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit this
+rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more unreasonable it
+seemed to me. It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation
+in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard. Neither had I
+fallen straight into the trap. I had half felt that I was going the
+wrong road, and I expressly offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced
+greatly that I had not had the opportunity of carrying into effect this
+fault which would have sullied the last hours I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast,
+apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And
+time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not
+pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon
+enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put
+it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I
+did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the
+noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the
+air. I might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in
+trying; and besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to
+consider the matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in
+the direction of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up,
+dragging myself slowly to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It
+began to burn over my eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as
+fast as I could. Once more I passed the baker's shop where the little
+loaf lay. "Well, we must stop here!" I said, with affected decision.
+But supposing I were to go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that
+was a fleeting thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to
+me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and held
+on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway and talked
+together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her head out of a
+window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I looked as if I
+might be deep in meditation on nothing in particular, and the wench
+came out into the street. "How is the world treating you, old fellow?
+Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she
+drew away frightened. I pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face?
+Had I really begun to die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand;
+thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls;
+but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a standstill; I
+must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were
+sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very
+deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head
+that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists
+that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went
+and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania.
+Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day
+and night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of
+my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy
+prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should
+be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil
+take a worse hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without
+looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr
+myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails
+deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate
+clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many
+times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just
+going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked
+up." I looked after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors,
+nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my real condition--a man I
+knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad;
+he was right. I felt madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through
+my brain. So that was to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my
+wearisome, painful walk. There was the haven in which I was to find
+rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the
+wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to
+the guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark
+of light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I
+had not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly
+painstaking; would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round
+from house to house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I
+hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I
+stumbled on, and talked until I brought myself to weep with emotion.
+Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from on high? His name had struck me
+for no reason, and he lived so far away; but I would look him up all
+the same, go slowly, and rest between times. I knew the place well; I
+had been there often, when times were good had bought much music from
+him. Should I ask him for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel
+uncomfortable. I would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop,
+and asked for the chief. They showed me into his office; there he
+sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest style--running down some
+accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand.
+Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I
+could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking he
+turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had finished, he
+glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said, "No"; simply
+"no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It won't be I that
+will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me tell you, at the same
+time, I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had
+turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had
+not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone
+all too far with me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect
+through so many hard hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the
+lowest form of begging. This one day had coarsened my whole mind,
+bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to
+stand and whine in the pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it
+availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the
+outer door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the
+guard-house again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body
+bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden
+the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible
+acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it
+was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours
+yet before the door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it
+no one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I
+had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help
+for it. Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how
+disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If
+all hope is over, why there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that
+matter, steal a handful of oats in the stable? A streak of light--a
+ray--yet I knew the stable was shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps,
+though, I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an
+hour. It was not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of
+water, either; my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt
+nausea at the spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the
+buttons at all yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile.
+Maybe there was a remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I
+should certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another
+some place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think that I
+could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of my pocket,
+and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I
+did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't I know exactly the big
+pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings, with my blood-sucking
+friend? One by one my possessions had vanished there--my little things
+from home--my last book. I liked to go there on auction days, to look
+on, and rejoice each time my books seemed likely to fall into good
+hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A
+diary, in which I had written my first small poetical attempt, had been
+bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a
+photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to
+grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle"
+is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid
+of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My voice
+sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my heart
+beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat
+on the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I
+had brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any
+use; something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are
+quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about
+the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he
+give me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought
+himself--quite according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and
+"Uncle" stares astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a
+cigar or whatever he liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I
+would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his
+desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much,
+yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This
+laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use
+trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go
+in with them; that was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off.
+Only a penny, or if he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters
+I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with
+his hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on
+my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade
+him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there
+was nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any
+price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do
+you look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched
+out my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well
+tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better
+you come in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing
+with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you
+hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and
+my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain
+of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I
+wrote with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor;
+and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately,
+without even re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper
+in order to open up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to
+Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of
+openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with
+me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches,
+particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I
+sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply
+because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If
+Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into
+the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like
+icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes
+and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas
+which might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened
+here and there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled
+at sentence after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon,
+one of my articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and
+happy, into my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was
+high time I made some arrangement towards getting a little money again;
+I had only a few pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an
+enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones
+and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this
+dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive
+rejected work, newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the
+28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of
+letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and
+lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks at me.
+Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when
+I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them.
+His face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I
+had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised
+the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is
+curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a
+habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look
+milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars
+wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes
+over me in the presence of this man. The tears are on the point of
+coming to my eyes, and I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I
+appreciated him, for all he had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt
+me; I was only a poor bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time
+of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat
+and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I
+stretch out my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us,"
+he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and
+write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that
+people understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to
+take up his time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,
+all the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his
+desk again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I
+made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something
+with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the
+"commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign
+without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once
+more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass
+her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same
+thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that
+she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the
+handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always
+in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and
+goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with
+curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling
+that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on the point
+of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any one, if she
+needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home.
+Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me
+something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.
+My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon
+me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize her sharply as I
+passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode in my breast,
+and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was
+not a long period; I had often been able to hold out for a couple of
+days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I
+could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day
+made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered all
+night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, lay blue
+with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy shivering, and
+grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep out the
+draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the sharp
+outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself
+alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I
+would try to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of
+hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on
+the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at
+which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of
+the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding
+my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides,
+with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my
+hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky
+stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight
+months, not the common food necessary to hold body and soul together
+for the space of one short week, before want stared me in the face
+again. Here I had, into the bargain, gone and kept straight and
+honourable all through my misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to
+the heart's core. God preserve me, what a fool I had been! And I
+commenced to tell myself how I had even gone about conscience-stricken
+because I had once brought Hans Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I
+laughed sarcastically at my delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in
+the street, and could not find words half strong enough to mock myself
+for my stupidity. Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment
+a schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch it
+up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole night
+through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much for
+nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park
+and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets
+were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet
+pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had
+commenced, the pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full
+swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats,
+one or two still short, sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate,
+panting breaths, and far down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling
+"Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion
+that thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the
+dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to
+affect me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling
+admissions, concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A
+number of cats are declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's
+doorway. And I did not possess even a florin! It was a misery, a
+wretchedness without parallel to be so impoverished. What humiliation,
+too; what disgrace! I began again to think about the poor widow's last
+mite, that I would have stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a
+beggar's wallet, that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more
+ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take
+to picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as
+they pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who
+fancy they are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if
+they tickle a sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank
+clerks, merchants, flaneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife;
+blowsy Molls, ready to fall down in the first doorway for a glass of
+beer! What sirens! The place at their side still warm from the last
+night's embrace of a watch-man or a stable-boy! The throne always
+vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I
+felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes.
+I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep
+my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a
+risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes;
+but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked
+to go along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see
+what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my
+arm, and said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called
+me a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got
+gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this
+unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now,
+Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and
+more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that
+I, too, was one of those who went about the street at night and ran
+after little girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps
+said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had
+done when one was actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many
+words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her those few paces, to see
+how far she would go on with it. For the rest, my name was
+So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, and sin no more!"
+With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps
+I had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life;
+save her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it
+when she came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death
+with thankful heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright,
+and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to
+face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might
+perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in
+my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring
+a candle. There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my
+writing materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened
+the door, and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I
+locked the door from the outside, and planted myself under the light.
+All around was quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a
+constable down in Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's
+Hill a dog barked. There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat
+collar up round my ears, and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop.
+But the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from
+the commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely
+to crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating
+climax. And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at
+this, the constable came and, planting himself a little distance away
+from me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+_Commandor_? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head
+above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space
+of an hour. The constable went his way. The cold began to get too
+intense for me to keep still. Disheartened and despondent over this
+abortive effort, I opened the door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set
+to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded
+by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not
+found an ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took
+aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my
+head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger
+on the floor, and then listened attentively, all without any object,
+but quietly and pensively as if it were some matter of importance in
+which I was engaged; and all the while I murmured aloud, time upon
+time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as
+before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself
+sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could.
+There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set
+myself resolutely to again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a
+score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try
+and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself
+to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet
+of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters that bristled up
+from the paper like small hairy creeping things, till at last I could
+neither make head nor tail of any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and
+tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables
+as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my
+lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest
+was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more
+together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm
+my fingers a little I stroked them through my hair backwards and
+forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts came away, flakes that got
+between my fingers, and scattered over the pillow. I did not think
+anything about it just then; it was as if it did not concern me. I had
+hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to shake myself out of this
+strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a mist. I sat up,
+struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest
+permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying
+helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At
+length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I
+shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled
+from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither
+was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I
+shook my head, went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it
+round the sore place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes
+filled with tears; I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger
+looked so utterly pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to
+now with me! The gloom grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that
+I might work up my finale through the course of the evening, if I only
+had a candle. My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as
+usual, and I did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so
+badly as some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next
+day. Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known in
+there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I used to
+buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the
+strength of my honest name; and for the first time for ages I took to
+brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed
+me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On
+no account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would
+never get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor"
+before he had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided
+upon the candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small
+parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The
+shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman,
+and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it
+over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are
+alone. He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my
+request over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count
+some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He
+gives me back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think
+about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth
+which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money
+mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare
+at these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take
+my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers
+strewn over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it
+is none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if
+it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that
+the shop-boy replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into
+my hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite
+of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in
+my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a
+little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates
+inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too
+strong for me--I entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared
+to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably
+well concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and
+then the waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright
+dishonesty was accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my
+earlier escapades were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and
+good! There was no help for it. For that matter, it was open to me to
+settle it with the shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion.
+It need not go any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon
+myself to live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no
+contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down
+into the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to
+get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread,
+and the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible
+that he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there.
+Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the
+table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark
+here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me
+at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains
+into her hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun,
+with the tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy
+yourself a farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way
+at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little
+towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and
+dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ...
+from me ... without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head.
+What a singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show
+myself too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected
+the depth of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to
+her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could
+not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a
+little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this
+nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and
+tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down
+furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last
+into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded with the water which
+gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I was seized with
+bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... I cursed the cruel
+powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted me so, consigned them to
+hell's damnation and eternal torments for their petty persecution.
+There was but little chivalry in fate, really little enough chivalry;
+one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had
+been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I
+said; he couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the
+man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first cafe I came to going along, and asked for some
+boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it
+greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road
+home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I
+get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black
+again. The same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be
+no mistake about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth
+time. She is standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar
+that I involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in
+good working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by
+my last meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the
+point of entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes
+me. Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before;
+could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way,
+so earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself;
+it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She
+was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she
+stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed
+me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in
+my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass
+of wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had
+come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would
+scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that;
+but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was
+rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up
+Carl Johann after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet
+breath every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated
+in an ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a
+glimpse of a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom
+that curved out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty
+which I surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not
+endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers
+over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just
+for a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great
+fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed
+before twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little
+tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She
+lived up in St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her
+mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there
+anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I know that? She had
+gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli
+a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky
+is clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known
+at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a
+while longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have
+you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into
+that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled
+with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and
+lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest
+me in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that
+didn't know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair,
+and lie with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks
+of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in
+space; in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures
+hovering over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid
+this bored her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew,
+and crushed me. If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to
+have given her the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could
+not make out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself
+be accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was I
+walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at nothing?
+Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be worried into
+a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap it did not cost me
+an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go right into my heart at
+even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against us? Was not madness
+running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for many months at a
+stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even a little milk
+into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps
+be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go
+to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I
+said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now";
+and she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your
+name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your
+veil so that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home.
+Were you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted
+windows of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my
+head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned
+it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to
+me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had
+expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own
+desire. I walk on and look at her, and get more and more bold. She
+encourages me, draws me to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a
+moment my poverty, my humble position, my whole miserable condition. I
+feel my blood course madly through my whole body, as in the days before
+I caved in, and resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She
+puts the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the
+two ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just
+to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may
+just wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do
+not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me
+once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with
+me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that
+time too, more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain
+once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any
+farther with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door
+with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could
+there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me
+clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken
+down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured
+by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink
+into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and
+said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for
+a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my
+neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom
+heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out
+of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned
+and ran up the stairs without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain;
+great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was
+raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of
+confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the
+agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while
+awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced
+myself and kissed the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and
+procured a fresh cup of milk, and straight on top of that a plate of
+beef. I was no longer hungry, but my nerves were in a highly-strung
+condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on
+under my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called
+up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a
+designer, and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I
+haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare thought. "Supposing it
+was my _fiancee_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in
+the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer,
+drank it, and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but
+now you shall have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back
+the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately
+to my head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed
+me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday!
+Supposing she were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ...
+get suspicious of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the
+money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon
+me in all its details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean
+hands as I seized the money, and I pictured to myself the line of
+action the police would adopt when they would come to arrest me. Irons
+on my hands and feet; no, only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand.
+The dock, the clerk taking down the evidence, the scratch of his
+pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the occasion--his look, his
+threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally
+dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I
+had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if
+it should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me
+no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced
+that I had been happier before, during the period in which I had
+suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with
+the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as
+drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake
+woman who was sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the
+elephant. I might even yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from
+being too late; I would show the whole world that I was capable of
+doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it
+in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted
+something, clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I
+spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a
+delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole
+matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret
+anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and shuddering time
+upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled
+against such a low action. God be praised, I had raised myself in my
+own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I said to myself, looking
+across the thronged market-place--"only just do as I have done!" I had
+gladdened a poor old cake vendor to such good purpose that she was
+perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children wouldn't go hungry to
+bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections and considered that I
+had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was
+out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with
+me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it
+was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my
+shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something
+astounding, to set the whole town in a ferment. All up through
+Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my
+ears, and intoxication ran riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go
+and tell my age to a commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed
+a word to me; to take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his
+face, and leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished
+every nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying the
+expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of tokens and
+signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at Parliament Place. I
+stand all at once stock-still, and look at the droskes; the drivers are
+wandering about, chatting and laughing. The horses hang their heads and
+cower in the bitter weather. "Go ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig
+with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to the first vehicle, and got in.
+"Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times
+into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too,
+grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had
+attracted his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She
+looks at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no
+effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the
+person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a
+bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran
+downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver.
+He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove
+on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is
+a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the
+driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was
+right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him
+that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just as he described
+him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see
+such a man without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I said, "Ha, ha! I suppose
+no one has ever yet seen the man without a knobbed stick in his hand,
+of that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they
+touched the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69.
+This number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like
+a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched
+under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and
+commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my
+brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to
+influences over which I have no control. I begin to laugh, silently,
+passionately, without a trace of cause, still merry and intoxicated
+from the couple of glasses of ale I have drunk. Little by little my
+excitement abates, my calm returns more and more to me. I feel the cold
+in my sore finger, and I stick it down inside my collar to warm it a
+little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy.
+I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come
+to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a
+sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on
+top of the other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted
+sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I
+hear voices and the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor,
+the sound of an iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment
+as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of
+being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who
+has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I
+believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had
+vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which
+came and went in turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a
+reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid
+and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great
+moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I
+sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much
+astonishment. I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find
+it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity
+had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become
+so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once
+had been; my shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had
+contracted a habit of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order
+to spare my chest what little I could. I had examined my body a few
+days ago, one noon up in my room, and I had stood and cried over it the
+whole time. I had worn the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite
+stiff with stale sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and
+water ran out of the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very
+tiresome to have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had
+no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it,
+dried it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for
+it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the
+whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from
+feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end
+now, I would heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation,
+I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the
+way I passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the
+right." Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former
+room in Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the
+door, the lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the
+baker's new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than
+now; one night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't
+write anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes,
+I would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in her
+hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy and I
+stand face to face alone for the second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did
+this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I
+got furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain
+fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of
+five shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently,
+and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to
+use force if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from
+one foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make
+signs to hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered
+my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that
+was opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious
+as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in
+any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I
+stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of
+being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me.
+Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The
+devil take you!' Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room,
+into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in
+my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high
+horse, and sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by
+the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake
+of his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five
+shillings that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of
+his fear, had tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with
+every loud word that I had roared out. And the master himself had
+perhaps been sitting inside the inner room, almost within an ace of
+feeling called upon to come out and inquire what was the row. No, there
+was no longer any limit to the low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would
+not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would
+have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for
+one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me
+only this once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might
+die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a
+little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the
+morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten
+her the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so
+faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so
+blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy
+light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows
+stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely
+and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of
+rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and earth in conflagration men
+and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a
+wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in brazen ignition, a smoking,
+smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body
+bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I
+had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in
+amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely
+failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my
+legs, was struck with astonishment that the window was where it was,
+and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses'
+feet in the yard below as if it came from above me. I felt rather sick,
+too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my
+elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches.
+My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me
+no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a
+little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my
+balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much,
+and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad.
+On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It did not strike me just
+then that anything could be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that
+the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be
+sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which
+grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast;
+carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of
+diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed
+for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a
+little more, then lay quite still for a moment's space, and then began
+afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty
+spaces everywhere after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to
+the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome;
+at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market
+and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and
+I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice
+the place I was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the
+noise around me was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear
+it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly
+as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me,
+and the wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little
+quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one
+foot pained me, a couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it
+were, curled up in my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have
+been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't
+think any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed
+to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and
+saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side;
+it was not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they
+were; he looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I
+had begged him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given
+it to me. He would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him
+in return, wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed
+my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got
+dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and
+sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and
+took to chewing it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and
+unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. I could hear a group of
+little children playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive
+sort of way, some pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the
+steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I
+called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a threatening
+backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up there, and boldly
+addressed the first butcher I met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said;
+"only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him
+something to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of
+the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and
+stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no
+light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I
+began to gnaw at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced
+to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it
+down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a
+matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew
+wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down
+by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as
+the little fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came
+again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from
+sheer helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that
+the bone got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned
+again, cried as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned
+all the powers that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the
+most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with
+gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy
+me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it
+avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the
+most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven;
+yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers like claws, with
+ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you
+did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire
+of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed
+me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, because you did not
+know your time of visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and
+yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the
+face--I tell you, I would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman
+in your mansions! I tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for
+your divine paltriness; and I choose the abyss of destruction for a
+perpetual resort, where the devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you
+have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots
+from here below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at
+their hour of death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and
+you know not, you omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition!
+I tell you, all my life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul,
+gasps to mock you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would,
+if I could, breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf,
+every dewdrop in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day
+of doom, and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your
+Deity's boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce
+all thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell
+you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and
+reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and
+turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the
+violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied
+outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and
+whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear voices--a conversation
+between two men who are coming down the passage. I slink away from the
+door, drag myself along the walls of the houses, and come out again
+into the light streets. As I jog along Young's Hill my brain begins to
+work in a most peculiar direction. It occurs to me that the wretched
+hovels down at the corner of the market-place, the stores for loose
+materials, the old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a
+disgrace to the place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market,
+and were a blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned
+over in my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had always
+attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps not be
+possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or three hundred
+pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must admit, a tidy
+enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a start with,
+eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy enough bit of
+pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling over my whole
+body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I had a
+feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I
+would, for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the
+street to die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous.
+My sore foot throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was
+creeping up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any
+particular distress. I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a
+lame man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped
+him instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun
+had sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under
+the man's nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had
+been smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the
+air; it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, reckoned
+in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again.
+"You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of
+tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made
+no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye
+on me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or
+another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look
+following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn
+round, and, dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at
+him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It
+was as if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I
+stare for a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog
+along again to the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable,
+he only keeps his gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat.
+It seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against
+a house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther
+from the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake
+his compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would
+have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor"
+tweaks his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to
+the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands
+me half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to
+death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is
+shameful of me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor"
+at last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but
+could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near
+tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave
+up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when
+after all I did muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he
+was already at too great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly
+and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me
+half-a-sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood,
+imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened
+eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the
+top of my voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in
+my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour,
+for it had grown very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough,
+outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for
+a moment and wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second
+time, right into the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here
+I asked for shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter
+everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets,
+golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented
+streets and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a
+turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of
+No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about the whole time in a
+state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would happen? What should I
+say when she came down the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I
+concluded to let it rest with the smile. Of course I would bow
+profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the
+clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the
+way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late,
+and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore,
+otherwise nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a
+long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come.
+Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I
+waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had
+my first meeting with her only existed in imagination the night I lay
+in delirium? I began in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all
+sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide
+staircase before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my
+hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little
+quickly after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way,
+that you would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too,
+so I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us
+had seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the
+door the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had
+perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave
+me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of
+mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall
+certainly not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led
+me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could
+very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a
+lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a
+little laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so ashamed, but I will never
+do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss
+you again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to
+her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table.
+We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right
+between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize
+hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took
+off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements.
+I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot
+refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door;
+you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's
+it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and
+do everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for
+example, you might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair;
+you could easily have thought of that much out of your own head,
+couldn't you? But if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as
+wide as if you couldn't believe what was being said. Yes, it is really
+true; I have noticed it several times; you are doing it now, too; but
+you needn't try to persuade me that you are always so modest; it is
+only when you don't dare to be otherwise than quiet. You were daring
+enough the day you were tipsy--when you followed me straight home and
+worried me with your witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you
+are quite certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment
+in it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most
+extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I
+never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no,
+perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love
+with you, and it is so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is
+naturally not an atom of a chance for me.... What is your name? Now,
+you really must tell me what you are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that again!
+I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes, that is
+to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like
+that? It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated
+herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with
+her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a
+little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap
+better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and
+you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that
+state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with
+you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you
+would not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't
+even think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of
+her head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a
+little on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could
+feel her breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when
+I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if
+you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be
+from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for
+otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm
+around her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being
+so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and
+seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away
+from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and
+looked out through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too
+wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any
+one in particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her
+during the time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in
+my old, well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and
+I felt fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub
+you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving
+a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I
+flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the
+girl out of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha!
+Then I would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was
+backward on that score. The creature was possessed by the devil
+himself! If it were only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against
+my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both
+hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down
+my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair
+there is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I
+won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed
+that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already should lose
+your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way you really
+spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do
+you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide
+anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you
+are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she
+had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself
+worthy of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person
+almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up
+to date on my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related
+truth. I made out nothing any worse than it was; it was not my
+intention to rouse her compassion. I told her also that I had stolen
+five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining
+eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to
+disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a
+thing happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up
+to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was
+I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental
+in causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of
+me if I had made myself out to be a _roue_?... No nonsense now;... it
+was just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of
+going at it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naive. I could have
+fallen down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on
+the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very
+ill at ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing
+she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to
+put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the
+fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had shown me the
+door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly
+standing over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to
+come of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her
+out that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost
+to me, and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a
+weighty, cutting word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a
+little. And in the face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of
+being proud and cold, disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk
+of trifles. The telling word would not come; I conducted myself in an
+exceedingly aimless fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me
+plainly and straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not?
+There was no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding
+me that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and I
+won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that she had
+been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she had thought
+about; I understood that at once. It did not require much to put me on
+the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her jacket, and
+left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said before, I
+had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was at the
+root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come
+over to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened
+certain powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I
+assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its
+advantages. It helped me in certain situations in life. The poor
+intelligent man is a far nicer observer than the rich intelligent man.
+The poor man looks about him at every step he takes, listens
+suspiciously to every word he hears from the people he meets, every
+step he takes affords in this way a task for his thoughts and
+feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is
+an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that
+I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the
+same. At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her
+in rude enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched
+by her heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my
+hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might
+answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I
+don't even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell
+me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't
+get in your way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once,
+as if you didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so
+thoroughly bare, made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time
+before; but, indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it
+over, that nothing is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give
+me your hand--or give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you
+any harm; I will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down
+on the floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am
+not to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on the
+carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at your feet;
+but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your eyes that you
+got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't move a step when I
+asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as I stand now when
+I point out the place to you where I would have knelt before you, over
+there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even point with my
+finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten you. I only
+nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly well which
+rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me,
+and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the
+heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I
+did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I
+often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food
+all the same, because I forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything;
+you don't answer; you don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand
+and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did
+she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she
+had tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her
+mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a
+sacrifice as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite
+of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for
+a little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold,
+and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was
+forcing herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to
+the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy,
+dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the
+whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the
+streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound,
+the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the harness of the
+droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything,
+sounded choked and jangling through the close air, that penetrated and
+muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In
+this way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to
+writing again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together
+that satisfied me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very
+painstaking, and strove early and late; no matter what I attempted, it
+was useless. Good fortune had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat
+and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the
+first evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got.
+All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in
+getting together an article on some subject or another, so that I could
+pay for my room, and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I
+worked on so persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from
+which I expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound
+thought upon which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to
+the "Commander" in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had
+helped a talent this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually
+see that; it only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and
+why shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter with
+me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread and butter,
+mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer
+used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I could stare down into
+the street from my window on the second floor without getting giddy. I
+was much better in every way, and it was becoming a matter of
+astonishment to me that I had not already finished my allegory. I
+couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on
+this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me
+to look over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she
+said; it didn't agree with her own book; but she had not been able to
+find out the mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at
+me. I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the
+total right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I
+looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed
+at the same time that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention,
+and yet I did not stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this little
+huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I tried
+honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but couldn't
+succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for some minutes
+I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to dance about in my
+head; I could no longer distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole
+thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop at the following entry--"3.
+5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My brain failed me completely; I
+stared stupidly down at the cheese, and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you
+can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to
+give it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was
+as if something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the
+impression that I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and
+muttered a number aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down
+the reckoning as if I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and
+waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash
+of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never
+heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed
+to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to
+some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly
+revised. She said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel
+ashamed, but thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the
+door, she said, without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned
+back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a
+little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks
+yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to
+keep things going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging
+on credit, more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you
+about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall
+have your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me
+some time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter
+of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day.
+I have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day
+or hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair.
+No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no
+salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a
+complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a piece of
+Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my senses when I
+could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not I, into the
+bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the reckoning, made the
+lucid observation that my landlady was in the family way? I had no
+reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything about it, neither
+had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it with my own eyes,
+and I understood it at once, right at a despairing moment where I sat
+and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade.
+Some children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed
+children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle
+between them and screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly
+by; it must belong to some dislodged family, forced to change residence
+between "flitting time." [Footnote: In Norway, l4th of March and
+October.] This struck me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped
+on the float, moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs
+with three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her nose--sat
+up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little blue hands in
+order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of frightfully stained
+mattresses, that children must have lain on, and looked down at the
+urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window
+and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the
+kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and
+I listened to hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that
+an idiot could not have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and
+begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them;
+he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are
+saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children crowded
+together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did they
+expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones,
+cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse themselves
+with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and unspeakably
+wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes continued to revile
+one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't
+breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the
+cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him,
+he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that
+you are! To think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I
+will, may the Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street
+with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the
+arm and tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as
+if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising;
+this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any
+longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call
+twice, just to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call
+very loudly, and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me.
+She regains her self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay,
+downright maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to
+her offspring. She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to
+him, "Fie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how
+naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen;
+I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my
+own thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was
+impossible that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How
+could there, in this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have
+been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no
+end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this
+tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything
+as accurately as you do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To
+my mind it is not without its humorous side, if I am any judge of such
+a case. Why, it happens to every man that he once in a way sticks fast,
+and that, too, just with the simplest question. It is of no
+significance, it is often a pure accident. As I have remarked before, I
+am on the point of having a good laugh at your expense. As far as that
+huckster account is concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of
+beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!--a cheese with
+cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the
+matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous
+cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the
+world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to
+finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable,
+said I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in
+good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level
+head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth
+rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I
+laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too,
+as if I only needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy
+rapture, without a care on any side, to get my head into working order
+once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without
+getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point,
+that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I
+was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this
+thought. It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human
+brains; and I intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these
+burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my
+landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the
+room, she did not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep
+downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there
+too." And before she got my answer, she began, without further
+ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the table, and put the whole
+of them into a state of dire confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room.
+And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller
+already on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on
+the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest
+on his shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the
+night; he would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period.
+Perhaps, too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have
+one of my moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes,
+and my essay on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should
+have to submit to fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on
+the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and
+prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's
+father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down
+Over his hands as if his chest or stomach pained him. His hair was
+almost white, and he looked in his crouching position like a
+poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said
+to the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened
+to come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have
+something in hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much
+as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down
+stairs, was occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to
+the house. She had put herself in connection with quay-porters and
+dock-men, to whom she paid a certain sum for every new lodger they
+brought her, and she often gave them, in addition, a shelter for the
+night. This time it was "Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the
+new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A
+while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she
+intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that I could lie
+in here together with the others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa,
+as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she fussed about the room and
+busied herself with different things that she set in order, and she
+never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it
+appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for
+another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not
+to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then
+held my tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to
+give people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told
+you that before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor
+of the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how
+he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take
+his first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was
+staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my
+room was lost to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to
+get anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was
+quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new
+idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The
+Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had
+especially thought out everything in connection with the principal
+characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who had sinned in the
+temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate against heaven;
+sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the altar-cloth under her
+head, just out of delicious contempt for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on.
+She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was
+exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and
+repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her
+long limbs should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took.
+She was also to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing
+for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested
+me in her was her wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure
+of calculated sin which she had committed. She really occupied me too
+much, my brain was absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of
+a creature, and I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama.
+When I had finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with
+much effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold
+and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the last
+half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the children
+inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case, have written
+any more just then. So I took a long time up over Drammensveien, and
+stayed away till the evening, pondering incessantly, as I walked along,
+as to how I would continue my drama. Before I came home in the evening
+of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street,
+almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this
+shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did
+not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were
+far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of people talking
+together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing of what was said.
+Then a voice greeted me loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked
+at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with
+that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if
+I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if
+to console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand
+there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a
+mean trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want
+to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen
+wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right
+from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the
+bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps
+me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up
+to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman
+at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I
+would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have
+given this toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps
+this red dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And
+at bottom what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the
+dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and
+talked, and tried to make good his mistake again. I did not listen to
+him at all; I stood the whole time and stared at the red dress that was
+coming nearer up the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a
+gliding delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the two--the lady and the man
+with her,--raised his hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously. The red dress
+glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial
+souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being
+going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first
+she answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who
+neither feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might
+not have the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by
+the Lord, not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with
+her to her door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety,
+otherwise he could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they
+went along, hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar
+Atterdag, and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was
+obliged to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like,"
+he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow;
+well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with
+all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise
+my hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly
+not; she was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she
+had fallen off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might
+easily have been the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not
+in the least astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir
+in her. But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and
+salute, like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously
+besmirched of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The
+day might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight into
+my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It might very
+easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I knew myself
+aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during the course of
+the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have brought this
+young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with all her
+charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live
+by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the
+Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with
+that, why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days'
+time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more
+of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp.
+It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go
+to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely
+to be able to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward
+my request very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a
+dissatisfied face on my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had
+almost completed a remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were
+wanting; and I hinted that it might be produced in some theatre or
+another, in no time. If she would only just render me this great
+service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve
+o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself
+a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that
+right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside
+with us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at
+all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and
+thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here,
+in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently
+at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a
+whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little
+girls came in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had
+scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out
+of them and trickled down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others
+sat at a table and played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as
+ever, and sat and sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not
+write anything in the midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled
+herself no more about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked
+me if I had been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile
+towards me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account. Even
+the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big fringe over
+her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at me in the
+evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She inquired
+perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as she had never
+seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was clear that she was
+aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a pleasure in letting me
+know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers
+into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me.
+I look at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are
+not yet fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me?
+Even supposing I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her
+in any way? She had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when
+I was a bit awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a
+nail and tore my coat. It was not later than yesterday that she
+gathered up my rough copy, that I had thrown aside in the
+ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments of my drama, and read them
+aloud in the room here; made fun of them in every one's hearing, just
+to amuse herself at my expense. I had never molested her in any way,
+and could not recall that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On
+the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in
+order not to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too,
+because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I
+washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been run
+over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them. "God
+bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as wide
+as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then I
+couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident
+malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man
+over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this
+diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I
+looked on at this for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old
+fellow did not move a finger to defend himself; he only looked at his
+tormentors with furious eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his
+head to escape when the straws were already in his ears. I got more and
+more irritated at this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it.
+The father looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he
+also drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children aside
+with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear
+of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I
+stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should
+I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose
+into the family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a
+half-dying old man, and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a
+flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that
+the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes
+and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said
+nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part
+of his body a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls,
+drew himself up again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I
+stood and looked on, saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table
+at which he sat, and sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed,
+and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly
+did not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled
+over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep
+your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve
+you best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled
+with scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack
+of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be
+quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open
+house and food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and
+the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any
+more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats
+there, and wipe your noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I
+never saw the like of such people. Here they walk in out of the street,
+without even a penny to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in
+the middle of the night and quarrel with the people who own the house,
+I don't mean to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you
+can go your way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to
+have peace in my own quarters, I am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it
+would surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and
+what word after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter
+outside, and far advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to
+strike a blow, and show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I
+sat still and made no attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed
+at keeping silent, never felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown
+the door. I stared coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung
+in an oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the
+landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them.
+"If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's
+the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick
+enough who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and
+spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant.
+"Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to
+go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my
+part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular
+green hair on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green
+grass, or expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a
+perfectly correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of
+fleeting ideas darts at this moment through my head. From green grass
+to the text, Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to
+the Day of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour
+down to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just
+like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on the
+right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head during
+the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust me from her
+door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now,
+out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key
+in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the
+rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out
+into the streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while
+ago took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I
+did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended
+that I had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I
+tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place.
+For the time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out
+tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only
+living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to
+extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached
+Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and still
+sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and very hungry,
+I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had
+lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my landlady had given me
+morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four hours since I had had my
+last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at me again; I must seek a help
+for it right quickly. With this thought I fell asleep again upon the
+seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every
+one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped
+myself on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice
+sounded so wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself
+to tears with it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in
+light, had far too mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud
+weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A
+large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her
+name, _Copegoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch
+what took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost
+discharged; she lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all
+the ballast she had already taken in, and there was a hollow boom
+through the whole ship whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck
+with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy,
+merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run
+lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes
+of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped
+over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration
+to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this
+oration, upon which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge
+my words, the bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways,
+and the ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with
+the atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to
+envelop my drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there
+in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single
+quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was
+no other way open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in
+Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I told myself all the
+while that it would not do. I went ahead all the same, and approached
+nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I
+admitted to myself that it was degrading--downright degrading, but
+there was no help for it. I was not in the least proud; I dared make
+the assertion roundly, that I was one of the least arrogant beings up
+to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter
+what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done,
+what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a
+matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I
+should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even
+whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost
+turned round at the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At
+the worst I could excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye,
+to make a proper adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt
+to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a
+sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to
+me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and
+my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to think over what
+his conscience should dictate to him. A little row reached me from the
+room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and
+totally indifferent to me what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit
+thinking about it? Keep quiet now! "Thus dictate I and my own
+conscience...." But everything conspired against me. Outside in the
+street, something was taking place that disturbed me. A little lad sat
+and amused himself in the sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He
+was happy and in fear of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot
+of paper streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and
+begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and
+catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is
+leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down
+on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five minutes
+passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little lad's
+tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that
+the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong.
+Was there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them
+anew, and solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright
+lengthy pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating
+desire to set to work again darted through my breast--the desire to
+finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor,
+and entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to
+hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his
+things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on
+a chair near the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out
+on my knees. Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon
+retort stood ready in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled
+one page after the other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled
+softly in ecstasy over my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of
+myself. The only sound I heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a
+church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All
+was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the
+stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt,
+timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger.
+I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen.
+I cannot write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below
+enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the
+landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther;
+the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait
+for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil
+does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst
+abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought
+myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the
+stranger man who followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod
+close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my anger increased with
+every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether
+I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely
+blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression
+that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A
+commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no
+notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do
+not turn round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and
+stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and
+unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look
+at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to
+me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face.
+I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was
+examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one
+might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word, not to
+mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect calmness, a
+large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face of one's
+persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with dignity. That
+was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the
+street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed
+vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I
+could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the
+cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it, so I remained
+standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my senses. My insane
+anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and
+stamped on the pavement. I also tried several other things to try and
+regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, wrinkled my brows, and rolled
+my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My thoughts grew more lucid.
+It was clear to me that I was about to succumb. I stretched out my
+hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street still danced
+wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my
+very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant effort not to
+sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would die
+standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying,
+and I swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with
+the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in
+the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father,
+Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and
+forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed
+her, she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of
+sheer good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought
+me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly
+over this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I
+grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with
+hoarse voice, and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than
+yesterday, had decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat
+her with the greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused
+her compassion, and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would
+never be an end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I
+maintain a decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every
+way I turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To accept
+half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back to the
+secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance offered, and
+keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of one's intense inner
+aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go
+back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use.
+There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert
+myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case,
+great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must
+consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and
+find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider
+the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps
+meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might
+and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and
+re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no
+obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything
+that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I
+tried to persuade myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I
+lied right royally to myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on,
+as if I had no need to seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly;
+only just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast
+rather strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of
+the Middle Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil
+between my teeth, jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each
+page in two, fling my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am
+lost! I whisper to myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no
+more than these few words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my
+hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing
+in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I
+lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a
+long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out
+his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a
+little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling
+any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort of any kind,
+I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market, turned round at
+the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's
+Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of indifference whether I
+returned the half-sovereign or not? When once I received it, it was
+mine; and there was evidently no want where it came from. Besides, I
+was obliged to take it when it was sent expressly to me; there could be
+no object in letting the messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to
+send it back--a whole half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there
+was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign
+still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It
+would hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so?
+Always ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my
+head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the
+street again. Even when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good
+warm lodging. No; I must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and
+show I wasn't the man to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right
+and left, and go my way.... I took myself sharply to task for having
+left my lodging and brought myself into the most distressful
+circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort
+of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I
+knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the
+money, therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put
+it plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now
+and then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even
+fatally in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this
+notion. There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt
+anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce
+battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit
+thus and look out into space, a figure becomes little by little clear
+to my fixed stare. At last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and
+I recognize it. It is that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near
+the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit
+half-upright on the seat, and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite
+correct--the same woman before the same table on the same spot! I
+whistle a few times and snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make
+for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if
+it was the wages of sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of
+silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of
+too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my
+words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers,
+this pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not
+say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind,
+I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal
+with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a
+contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the
+money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to
+think over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the
+outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the
+table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of
+clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and
+gives me to understand that she had not expected me to return to rob
+her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of,
+without that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look
+at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen
+money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think
+that either. Well, that at least was a good thing--really a good thing.
+It was, if I might so say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me
+an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness.
+Always when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my
+head and said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it
+never happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in
+this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford
+it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be
+expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of
+procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps
+never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at
+that now! In that case, she could of course have no opinion on the
+subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole
+stand, because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I
+had no intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the
+value of the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to
+trouble her again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was
+the sort of creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes
+towards me, four or five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible
+price she could think of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled
+still with her, persisted that she had at least cheated me to the
+extent of a shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices.
+"Do you know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I;
+"God help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth, begged
+me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The
+whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my
+cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness,
+repeated to myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed
+to me that I had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving
+her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over
+to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter
+how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no
+help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little
+cake that I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it
+aside, in fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little
+lad who played with the paper streamers. I thought of him
+continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped and swore. He had
+turned round towards the window when the man spat down on him, and he
+had just looked up to see if I was laughing at him. God knows if I
+should meet him now, even if I went down that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly
+by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some
+scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had
+amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had
+been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering
+in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid
+the cake down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and
+hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the
+first thing he will do when he comes out will be to find it. And my
+eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding
+the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my
+head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of
+those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk
+farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my
+hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and more confused.
+I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer.
+I just sit there and stare at the _Copegoro_, the barque flying the
+Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the
+port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I
+had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me,
+so I stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and
+strode on deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to.
+Where are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to
+me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to
+a little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really
+do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of
+chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can
+take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me
+good, and I could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to
+the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all
+the homes.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
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+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Release Date: June, 2005  [EBook #8387]
+[This file was first posted on July 6, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerloef in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantlc movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJORKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It was
+already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the stairs.
+By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old numbers of the
+_Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice from the
+Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an inflated
+advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to think
+if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat hard-up
+lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken to my
+"Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had kept my bed
+for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had favoured me, I had
+managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from some newspaper or
+other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements near
+the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of "winding-
+sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That occupied me
+for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I got up and put
+on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a view
+of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins of a
+burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I leant
+with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open space. It
+promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of the year,
+when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us. The
+ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room, the
+floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it, seemed
+like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the
+door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them
+a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with was a
+little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the evenings and doze
+and muse on all manner of things. When it blew hard, and the door below
+stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned up through the floor and from
+out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_ near the door was rent in strips a
+span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail me
+aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I could
+not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There was always
+something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire
+Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred
+men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery,
+whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt
+their arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by,
+merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my sight. I
+applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted brows, and made
+my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me by again with a smile;
+he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I could no longer apply for a
+situation in the garb of a respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards or
+parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers, I had
+thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous subjects.
+Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain; in despair I
+had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long hours of
+intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set
+to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I
+used to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and
+really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with
+something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my trousers
+to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer. Having done this,
+I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I stole very quietly
+down the stairs in order not to attract my landlady's attention (a few
+days had elapsed since my rent had fallen due, and I had no longer
+anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the pedestrians,
+and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous traffic everywhere
+exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and more contented.
+Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely take a morning walk
+in the open air. What had the air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a
+giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a
+feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to
+observing the people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on
+the wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a
+passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that crossed
+or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense of
+the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became ill-regulated, and
+for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner. As I
+passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front of her
+head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last few days
+that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow
+snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was
+still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all
+appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the
+market-place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked up; the
+dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself about
+anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a side
+street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go, wandered
+about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to and fro
+amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright and my
+mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried a
+bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength in
+his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted from the
+exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his bundle for
+him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans
+Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had
+not the slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than
+that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a blanket
+which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden to
+no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article I
+felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to draw
+from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place
+to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead of
+me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in front of
+me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless; perhaps he had
+made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I had, and I must
+needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to
+me that he slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if
+waiting to see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would
+again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep
+ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more and
+more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little by little,
+destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful morning down to
+the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a great sprawling reptile
+striving with might and main to win a place in the world and reserve the
+footpath for himself. When we reached the top of the hill I determined to
+put up with it no longer. I turned to a shop window and stopped in order
+to give him an opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of
+some minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of me--he
+too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or
+four furious onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the
+shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For milk,
+eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know how much
+you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, minutes and I
+shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the waistcoat
+on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to be
+a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he standing
+there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined the knees of
+my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did the scoundrel
+imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not as good as begun
+to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever
+for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was
+it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely
+day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a good
+dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at a
+man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came to
+the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed me back
+the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him, told him to
+keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for nothing? If
+all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected
+an old debt; he was standing before an honest man, honourable to his
+finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were needed; it
+had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I could
+go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped before a
+grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and I decided to
+go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on to
+the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my provender.
+It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a square meal,
+and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me that one feels
+after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could no longer be
+satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple and
+straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might arrive at,
+ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much greater effort
+than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided
+on a treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This
+would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some of
+Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials to commence
+work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in
+the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me today! I
+swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of turns up and
+down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near the Queen's
+arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators; otherwise, there
+was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered
+temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely
+awry things seemed to go! To think that an article in three sections
+should be downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a
+pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle
+Street and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a
+good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill the
+parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on "Philosophical
+Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no one could say; and I
+told myself it might be of the greatest possible help to many young
+people. On second thoughts, I would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might
+easily avoid doing that; I would only need to make an almost imperceptible
+gliding over when I came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer
+for Renan, old Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be completed.
+For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in the morning when
+I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day; it rose up and
+confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant hours, when I had
+otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my pencil
+from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I passed.
+As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I looked up;
+she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and, becomes suddenly
+surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe at some word she
+hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking thought of her own. Or
+can it be because I touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently
+several times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her
+parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil incident,
+and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on a totally
+empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a
+singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this
+lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her
+again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order
+to observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the spur
+of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a name with a
+gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite close to me I draw
+myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly as I
+said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to stop
+myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired with the
+craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me. I couldn't
+help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing the fool. I
+made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed
+frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly,
+and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and
+involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance.
+By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away in
+other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who was going
+along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already stopped
+at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it is
+he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity in
+her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a book,
+and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her hands,
+turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts her
+sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what book it is
+I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one, now another
+expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on
+her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm. "He
+is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without my
+observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street towards
+the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a very narrow
+collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window opened on the
+second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with her sleeves turned
+up, and began to clean the panes on the outside. Nothing escaped my
+notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me
+with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong
+light. The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and
+a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were
+sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I stopped
+also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they had come,
+passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street and up towards
+St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their heels as I dared to
+be. They turned round once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning
+look, and I saw no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me lower
+my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer gratitude I
+would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them until they entered
+some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before going
+in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened for their
+footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor. I advanced
+from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then something odd
+happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second after a window
+opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me.
+"Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots and
+strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We stand
+and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a minute.
+Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word is spoken.
+She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock through my
+senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears across the
+floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the accentuation in that
+movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of
+all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad.
+Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window. The
+more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I became.
+Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely all my
+movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are being
+watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well as I could
+and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my gait became
+unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look well. In order to
+appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw
+my head well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing
+eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I escaped
+down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle Street to get my
+pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets. I
+found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with him,
+and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable impression
+on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back again to the
+counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an
+explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to hum in
+order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in my hand, I held
+it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any and
+every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different matter;
+there Was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it looked,
+this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the world, so to
+say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come right over to
+the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he never
+heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost as
+much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort of
+man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door
+with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high
+position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice
+profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I heard
+her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I recognized
+the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door with his
+knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began to
+get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for promenading.
+Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann Street. I stuck my
+elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself look small, and slipped
+unperceived past some acquaintances who had taken up their stand at the
+corner of University Street to gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up
+Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads, and
+swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no sorrow
+in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not even a
+clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy souls. And
+I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and newly-fledged as I
+was, had already forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these
+thoughts to myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been
+done me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed
+to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the most singular
+annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or
+set my foot any place without being assailed by insignificant accidents,
+miserable details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered
+my powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy
+me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me? But
+why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against a man
+in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more and more
+incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected as an
+experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it, a
+peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans in
+order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat and
+sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me from
+thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began I could
+so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it
+were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of
+tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed me
+out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I had
+pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual way. I
+experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was oversated,
+and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The people who came
+and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was
+taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I
+got angry and was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel
+and went right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat
+down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a place,
+and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but imploring
+enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any length
+of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my head and
+left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no longer felt
+its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that my eyes stared
+far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and more
+bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to draw me
+nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing obstacle
+after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight mistake.
+And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven and told Him
+so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked quite
+softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore should I
+sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may array this
+miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly
+Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath
+He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord
+stuck His finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory
+fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then the Lord
+withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate root-like
+filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the nerve-threads of the
+filaments. And there was a gaping hole after the finger, which was God's
+finger, and a wound in my brain in the track of His finger. But when God
+had touched me with His finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and
+let no evil befall me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with
+the gaping hole. And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord
+God of all Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allee. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing materials
+to try to write something, and at the same time my book of shaving-tickets
+[Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway
+shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and counted the
+tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I exclaimed involuntarily;
+"I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks, and look a little decent";
+and I immediately fell into a better frame of mind on account of this
+little property which still remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out
+carefully, and put the book safely into my pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me; my
+thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself together
+enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder; to
+no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend. They
+are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on to, set
+their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or stand
+immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my legs
+to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet notes
+waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head is
+so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought without
+tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down my breast
+and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time
+my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at
+this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt
+before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks of
+cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of my shoes
+I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part of myself that
+had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition trembles through my senses;
+the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a feeling as if my shoes are a
+soft, murmuring strain rising towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to
+myself, and I clenched my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at
+myself, for this ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect
+consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and closed
+my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their looks,
+their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and their
+worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give them
+expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own nature had
+gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost of my other
+I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour. A
+little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted phase
+of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period, maybe a
+year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my memory. I
+began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an old
+number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which something
+or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused, and I could not
+take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea entered my head that it
+might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity
+increased, and I began to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It
+might contain deeds, dangerous documents stolen from some archive or
+other; something floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper as
+every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species of
+cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting his
+package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he did
+not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life there
+was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit. Just the
+fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair
+distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer
+the man in order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my
+shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to be
+utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it long
+since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read either,
+not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a stranger.
+There was something in my accent which told him. It did not need much; he
+could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he could hear people
+in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arriere pensee_, and
+I answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a fountain,
+some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What number do you
+live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing up,
+at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is your
+landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of the
+moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a considering
+air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name which jumped
+into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and pretended to have
+heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was not
+a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man is
+namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with everything
+I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would not have
+roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down from
+Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one lie
+after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and stop
+his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics to
+be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to see
+him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in Persia.
+"You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister of State
+in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the same as
+Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed the whole
+thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his daughter Ylajali,
+a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a
+couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I
+had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent air,
+as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a kiss;
+and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right into my
+soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he imagine
+she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was simply a
+Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored me; I
+was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter seriousness;
+the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or other, no longer
+occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper lay on the seat
+between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to examine it or see
+what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories of my own which
+floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my
+head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own much
+property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name I
+had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every huckster-shop
+in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a syllable. The
+name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the instant. I got
+annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against this creature whom
+nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know absolutely
+nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all that his name
+is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature ...
+Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might perhaps
+have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently and meekly
+to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he feared to offend
+and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even believe
+that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your match for
+obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you? Perhaps,
+too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking to yourself I
+am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my Sunday-best without even
+a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as
+yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord
+strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you know
+that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and listened
+to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from off the
+seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short, tottering
+steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink at
+each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression came,
+but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more vile back
+than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the creature before
+he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly in
+the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the parallel
+bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was calmed and in
+good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under quieted down little
+by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and began to feel drowsy.
+Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten cause me any longer any
+particular distress. I leant against the back of the seat in the best of
+humours, closed my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was
+just on the point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my
+shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way or
+another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to me. Even
+the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were written by
+people all too little known to be of much use; besides that, constant
+refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me. At all
+events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the rest
+would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and I
+sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only now one
+single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put words into
+my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long piece, without
+the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write this
+date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a workable idea
+shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter about in my head. The
+feeling of declining day makes me downcast, sentimental; autumn is here,
+and has already begun to hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies
+and insects have received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in
+the fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring,
+restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole
+insect world is astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads
+up from the turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and
+then collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards, and
+the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the roses
+have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge, through
+their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction, gripped
+by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic sleep. I rose,
+oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious strides down the path.
+"No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands; "there must be an end to
+this," and I reseated myself, grasped the pencil, and set seriously to
+work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring me
+straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them, and
+wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction. It
+would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain
+positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light,
+buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in
+my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be hollowed
+out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry many
+times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and put
+it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands in
+my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady had
+asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my head and
+slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again: the very
+next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account for myself
+honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to flight.
+The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next him, filled
+with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he sat. I immediately
+wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but the sight of food
+repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten claws as they clutched
+loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by
+without addressing him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me,
+dry as horn, and his face did not move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to read
+the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to find one
+that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of hours'
+book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my man's
+address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would demand less
+than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or perhaps fivepence.
+That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in which
+she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as I could.
+I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request. Friendlily
+Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret, put
+it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst the
+darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be difficult
+now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened my
+eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of the
+clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had down. I
+grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal. I
+lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are capital.
+Little by little others come and fit themselves to the preceding ones. I
+grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and pencil from the table
+behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in me; one word follows
+another, and they fit themselves together harmoniously with telling
+effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain,
+and a wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed,
+and fill page after page, without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I miss
+a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough, although
+I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am full of my
+subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as there
+is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of bed and
+dress myself, It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the lighthouse
+director's announcement down near the door, and near the window it is
+already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see to write. I set
+to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read. My
+head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and I
+decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door, and
+could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like letters of
+Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of it. It was
+also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common enough
+green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs too many on
+the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality
+a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one
+might easily split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for
+a grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a
+boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not adopted for
+the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not intend to keep it any
+longer. On no account would I keep it. I had held my peace, and endured
+and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my remarkable
+sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and re-read, I
+determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took out my
+bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars and some
+crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home bread. I
+rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I
+ransacked every corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind,
+and as I could not find anything, went over to the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from wall
+to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I stepped back
+from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a low bow to the
+lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss Andersen's
+winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly the thought of
+my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so
+that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in which
+I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some time to
+come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five shillings.
+I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person her
+roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling of
+having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside and
+thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt and
+noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to my
+yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was on
+the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole noiselessly down
+each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no glint
+of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I went as
+usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was half-past
+eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use in going to
+the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so
+long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast.
+For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those
+times were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil
+dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about right
+under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I went on I
+tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till later on. It
+occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper;
+not only would it look better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying
+it,
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he shrugged
+his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took it; this
+annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly glass
+vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common in
+this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with the
+air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He held the
+door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept from
+choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy crimson
+roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the damp
+morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one, and I
+inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as near to them
+as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living to
+balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors" is
+running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On being
+asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to suppose
+that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and impress upon
+his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's own hands as
+soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I said
+nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried their
+umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the men looked
+limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me good
+morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly. I never
+cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply, in
+a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's such a
+thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only you
+don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his cane
+to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to poke
+his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor I
+employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher" embittered me,
+and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he had borrowed from
+me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had asked for it. I got
+ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I
+stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to
+proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on at
+this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a good
+deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the
+office, took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on
+to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near
+the Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it would
+be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps mediocre enough
+in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security had I that it was
+not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My
+confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was only a
+little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor before four.
+The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings; the more I thought
+about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I could have written
+anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of
+fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself and been happy all
+through the long morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with
+hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to
+the open fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste
+plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a country road,
+the end of which I could not see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met two
+hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads, and
+sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I passed
+them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me, sure to fling
+some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I got near enough,
+one of them called out and asked what I had under my arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!"
+Whereupon they both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the
+lash of a whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They
+couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my
+head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and
+continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was
+past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down
+to the town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had
+been there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled
+against folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in
+time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and
+knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open, knock
+once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his face
+towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me, shakes
+his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no hurry;
+in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the interview
+is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in me; as yet,
+nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter, yet win all.
+And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council in Heaven, in
+which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay, triumphantly win
+ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I consider
+where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query that I come
+to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where I am, and pose
+like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and
+roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to the
+right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down Kirkegaden,
+ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the window. I pass
+by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the box-office, and go
+towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat once more, and begin to
+consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself till
+morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it could
+never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this thought
+with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of the little
+red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly
+transported to a large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I
+could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices of
+bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a
+seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver
+fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I would
+have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach food, my
+inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy
+of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There was
+no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I had the
+entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was no degree of
+cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up in
+downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine pistons
+pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and no wind;
+the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was
+cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and I
+let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by now
+I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of the fire
+brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible to
+succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand dumb
+with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I say
+nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save appearances
+I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other,
+and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I
+had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it was
+horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by daylight;
+there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me, whispering:
+"I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods. If
+only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more and
+more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself so long
+trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored with the
+whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest, to resign
+myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head. At a place
+in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some food was
+displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French
+roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the
+background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I had no
+money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my tramp. I
+went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it seemed to
+me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry. I
+opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted with
+the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many times
+before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was slightly
+swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I pulled off my
+shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is never
+silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it began to
+bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres above.
+Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed;
+and I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're
+night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered
+about in the gloom, only to lay down once more.
+I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that it
+was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for town.
+There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog, my feet
+were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if they could
+not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkoekken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way to
+attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food for
+me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I stumbled
+on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and was forced
+at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a change, as if
+something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a curtain or tissue of
+my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and, as
+an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did it
+arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole thing
+squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this manner, by
+Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either how I had made
+myself deserving of this special persecution; and it suddenly entered my
+head that I might just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's"
+with the blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full
+meals, and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis
+true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to the
+pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head irresolutely, then
+turned back. The farther away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I
+became, that I had conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness
+that I was yet pure and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a
+splendid sense of having principle, character, of being a shining white
+beacon in a muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had really
+never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for
+every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a
+headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that
+belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the right
+time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I importuned
+him every hour in the day since I sent in my application? Had I rung the
+bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had not even applied
+personally to him or sought an answer! It did not follow, surely, that it
+must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious course,
+and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a little,
+and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for my
+work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of that
+sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with spittle
+to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel behind me
+in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of sending
+him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal with
+dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a want
+of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes in
+figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I like
+your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could not
+have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so much
+weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful folk
+on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my behaviour, I
+turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his ear, clenched
+my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened by a blind rage
+that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally in
+order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not come.
+Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of one's most
+earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written
+1828? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here I was going
+about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and
+it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in
+the shape of food would turn up later on in the day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their rent,
+struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other men's
+blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which spread
+more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a watchful eye
+on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in accordance
+with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without a break in the
+measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range because
+it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an unpardonable
+offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I did
+not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation of the
+entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision as
+I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why should I
+stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell
+which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her head
+and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful bow,
+and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was new
+to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has advertised
+for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to be
+irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could not
+stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended the
+stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying that
+she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower. So it
+had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say to
+himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their food
+handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Moeller Street, and sniffed the fresh
+smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the door-handle,
+and I was on the point of entering without any fixed purpose, when I
+bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On reaching the market, and
+seeking for a place to rest for a little, I found all the benches
+occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside the church for a quiet
+seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I commenced
+to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner of the
+bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging one foot
+after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop window; halted,
+and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a scorching heat in my
+head, and something pulsated strangely in my temples. The water I had
+drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there
+to escape being noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to
+Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the little
+gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the side
+of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and reminded me of
+an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him the
+truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me now; ay,
+that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I had
+not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of mine--that I
+no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Cafe between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went. The
+wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let go
+with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I could
+well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by the way, I
+was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a
+large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and
+folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the
+tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the
+Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+cafe, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all who
+went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I saw the
+young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and across to
+the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my breast as I
+caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned his
+purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and got
+totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took his
+word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about such a
+trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were moist whilst
+he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back. "Excuse me," I
+said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was already a piece
+down the street, when he called after me about the little packet. "Keep
+it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it. There are only a few
+trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so
+touched at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I
+fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I walked,
+down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with myself, and
+repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation, which called forth
+fresh tears whenever they were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel
+so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I spent
+a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways, and when
+any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops where people
+bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself a sheltered
+place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must take
+their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an endless
+way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain where I was;
+if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the church. I would not
+in any case worry myself any more about that, and I leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about the
+lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure standing
+in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a policeman,
+though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting home
+now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there were
+eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my tread. Down
+at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I
+could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little.
+After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was
+accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly after
+me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from the
+windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note lying on
+the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might never have
+been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my astonishment,
+that it was a letter. I take it over to the window, examine as well as it
+is possible in the dark the badly-written letters of the address, and make
+out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an answer from my landlady,
+forbidding me to enter the room again if I were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand, the
+letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself up, set
+my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the stairs,
+and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my time with the
+laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me,
+holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the
+street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel
+against the lamp-post and open the letter. All
+this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of
+light, as it were, darts through my breast, and I hear
+that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of
+joy. The letter was from the editor. My story
+was accepted--had been set in type immediately,
+straight off! A few slight alterations.... A
+couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked
+out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ...
+half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street, stopped,
+slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at nothing in
+particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the streets
+and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little masterpiece--a
+stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But whilst
+I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness closed in, and
+time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted all
+too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed me
+a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket, but not
+a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a scat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in the
+murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading through
+the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering head the best
+thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At last
+I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was still.
+The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds flitted
+noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but not
+a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out again.
+It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I selected a
+white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion from--but I
+made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled
+with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew
+it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked at
+the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the sum;
+if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick fluted
+shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and gazed at
+it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the same?
+I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that he may
+hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and laughed at
+this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with rollicking
+recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog! Wouldn't this
+piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's hottest pool of
+torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on the
+pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole night
+before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes quite
+close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white and so full
+as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum of silver
+money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an
+expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his
+big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and
+laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter
+was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a turn
+towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the poor
+policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated over and
+over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he
+threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them additional point,
+changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed
+once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the evening
+was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet overcame me;
+a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The darkness had
+intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue sea. The ships,
+the masts of which I could see outlined against the sky, looked with their
+black hulls like voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me.
+I had no pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt
+pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not to be
+noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I
+could best appreciate the well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a
+cloud on my mind, not a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought
+reached, I had not a whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes,
+in a state of utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover,
+not a sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear me
+to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits me,
+greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting in a
+dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will
+stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I
+approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have
+waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights.
+And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have breathed
+sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand and, holding it,
+leads me through long corridors where great crowds of people cry,
+"Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender maidens laugh
+and play; and through another hall where all is of emerald; and here the
+sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills of
+perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment shiver
+through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she whispers, "Not
+here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room, where all is of
+ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a whispered
+"Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman. There
+I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling was of
+stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was quickly
+replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow at being
+still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were soaked
+through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could distinguish
+the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength; added
+to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking off
+without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little brown
+loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street; and as I
+went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that would be so
+unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and
+buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran on.
+But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired that I
+did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my
+anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath.
+Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what such a
+policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything. Right enough, I
+interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I found this argument
+satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He knew no better"; and with
+that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on dark
+nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave me no
+rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy myself a
+little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this last
+period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of late. When I
+had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some manoeuvre or another
+they only lasted any time with difficulty; not long enough for me to be
+restored to health before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again.
+My back and shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little
+gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward as I
+walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever was the
+reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not just as much
+entitled to live as any one else? for example, as Bookseller Pascha or
+Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders like a giant, and two
+strong hands to work with? and had I not, in sooth, even applied for a
+place as wood-chopper in Moellergaden in order to earn my daily bread? Was
+I lazy? Had I not applied for situations, attended lectures, written
+articles, and worked day and night like a man possessed? Had I not lived
+like a miser, eaten bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I
+had little, and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I
+a suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a
+tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last winter,
+because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a
+bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and went
+on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast at
+me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye were
+getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a cafe. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His friendliness
+had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not even a little
+coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck my
+forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried more
+violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names, invented
+furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse with which I
+overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly home. On coming
+to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys? Here
+I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a tinker's
+workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no one can
+open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by the
+time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to myself,
+hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask the
+policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I had
+been out--in a cafe ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital idea;
+and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could I simply
+go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with. I
+hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and blurted
+it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what was
+my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but I
+dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to every
+and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered my
+head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused no
+suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the night
+guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands to
+steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright cell
+had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and listened
+with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself anything better
+than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat
+in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave
+myself up to thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the
+police. This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them?
+"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then _Morgenbladet_!" Didn't
+I appeal straight to his heart with _Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention
+that! Eh? Sat in state in the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot
+door-key and a pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this
+gentleman up to the reserved section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I lay
+a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had no
+bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence oppress
+me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and tossed to and
+fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The darkness had
+taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment in peace.
+Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition has
+got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I tried
+to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular fantasies,
+listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the exertion of
+striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in
+all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I
+found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate
+element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous
+thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and try
+to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach right
+into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not hear
+a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in the
+street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge from
+the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and laugh:
+"That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word.
+I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered
+it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you
+have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular jerks
+in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new word. There
+was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli; [Footnote:
+Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and who said that
+it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once
+again, "Who said that it was to signify cattle show?" No; on second
+thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or
+sunrise. It was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I
+would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I wax
+nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and again,
+takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion
+as to what it should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what
+it should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to
+myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a matter of
+detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was the principal
+thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me from falling asleep.
+Nothing seemed good enough to me for this unusually rare word. At length I
+sit up in bed again, grasp my head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just
+this, it is impossible to let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If
+it could have meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long
+since and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to
+signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it?
+and I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I answer
+angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir!
+Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask
+why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a
+special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the
+word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right in
+letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware, I had not
+yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever, and
+I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I got into
+bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to sleep. I closed
+my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for some minutes
+without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk violently
+through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he thought to
+find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he
+is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue
+sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep? The
+same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity which
+my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the most
+despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize this
+darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if I named
+it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to the sea and
+the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and
+clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms
+that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters,
+hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such a
+perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I not
+feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden frame! "This
+is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for
+a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"... I
+could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I was
+not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my brain that
+I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to
+the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times
+to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my
+fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must be
+of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore in my
+body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung myself flat
+on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed glimpse of light,
+sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself
+like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was
+doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had ceased, and
+I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought reached, not a wish
+unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my hands, and waited patiently for
+the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But then I
+was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A homeless
+Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter, ever
+lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet Minister;
+called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of red-tape. My
+fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I only had not been
+thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home! Might I not have the
+honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in
+all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and
+lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the door.
+This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all haste,
+and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through from last
+night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and one
+by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty repeated
+constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket? Don't
+forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as last
+night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out rather
+late, worse luck ... cafe ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three long
+days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I dared not
+demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They would begin to
+poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover who I really was;
+they might arrest me for false pretences; and so, with elevated head, the
+carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride
+out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the traffic
+in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I slapped my
+pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try and see the
+editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the bustle under me.
+Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put in its appearance
+afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that
+caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded me.
+The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade me
+good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan of
+a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could; besides
+that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be so
+kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days, sir.
+You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps later
+on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was that
+he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings! God
+bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five shares in
+the Dampkoekken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me
+laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a
+fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth increased,
+and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell
+of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly
+strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and
+I flung open the window to let out this beastly smell.
+"Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table
+--this miserable table that I was forced to support
+with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly,
+and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms are
+like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate of
+beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses below
+chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart as a
+child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to remember
+it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a chair
+to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had been
+brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying on the
+table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old green
+blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans
+Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would
+certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on
+my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and
+hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I can
+help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I determined
+on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office door to see
+if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully out, put them
+back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without looking
+up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had not
+once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice, and
+recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I, that he
+doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that is an order
+of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated
+story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to
+his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was obliged to
+peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to put an end to
+this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in the
+attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was a poor
+man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get it just as
+sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as
+I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step inside.
+"I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?" He
+had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be sent
+to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On the
+way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood planing
+outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck one in my
+mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there? Well,
+would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters that had
+come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who are
+sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm dinner
+from the Dampkoekken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in its
+place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The
+door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the
+letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on
+the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had such
+a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his card
+fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple of
+times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There was not
+a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any kind. I sat
+and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without coming to any
+conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly
+on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This numb feeling of
+drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the
+stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when he
+came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good Lord
+God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up to the
+clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him, my
+child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again, "Hast
+thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my voice
+whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that was
+better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o! that's
+right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the
+street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for being such a blockhead,
+whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for a
+bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was bustle
+and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters with cases
+on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams. An old woman,
+a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose down over her
+wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of nice things, and I
+turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole quay with her smell of
+cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to him
+the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes;
+but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a rat, and did
+not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too,
+and followed him, firmly determined to convince him of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I; and
+I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render him
+a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would be a
+pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in all
+haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and the
+big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther away made
+me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of Weber, to which a
+little girl is singing a mournful strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of
+the organ thrills through my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo.
+A moment later, and I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in
+time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is starving.
+I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones, and I float
+out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above the mountains,
+dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little tin
+plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all my
+pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and she goes
+away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it would
+have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little street
+wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give her
+my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was in
+my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished child
+waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to let her
+go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts his way
+through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little girl
+over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand there and
+laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However could I
+be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself that it is
+lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking about me,
+towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is shut.
+I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and stand
+irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up against the
+wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is lying glistening at
+my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off
+my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though
+buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as
+good as new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off
+with my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being able
+to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I cried, "See, see;
+it will all come right!" My delight got the upper hand of me, and I at
+once set to cut off the buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I
+held the following hushed soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when you
+speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons than I
+do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit of mine,
+an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well! But I
+must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you were
+obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes,
+well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are
+out looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well, good-day!
+Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of the
+civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in my
+mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked, and
+entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I again
+had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his paper. I had
+taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained about
+money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for me. Maybe
+it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could I not see
+then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed to
+me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather die of
+hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt once more
+the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office without having
+asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of my pocket and
+stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought
+to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered
+your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience
+again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which
+I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever
+heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of his head
+just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable dog! So--o,
+march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll teach you." I
+commenced to run to punish myself, left one street after the other behind
+me at a bound, goaded myself on with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly
+and furiously at myself whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a
+long way up Pyle Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry
+with vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over
+my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and,
+in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to
+keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though, even
+then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry; I
+had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now I
+could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself, dealing
+out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and more moved,
+and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an
+inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same place.
+People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children played about
+around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other side of the
+street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I stopped
+and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an answer to give?
+For weariness, you should have replied, and made your voice whining. You
+are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From exhaustion, and you
+should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea. I
+snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose by
+it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No rubbish,
+if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You are hungry;
+you have come on important business--the first thing needful. But you
+shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a sing-song. You won't!
+What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you
+are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting with the powers of darkness
+and great voiceless monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of;
+you hunger and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone
+so far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to
+bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you
+haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands together,
+and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon
+was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now
+it's quite another thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a
+few shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your head a
+little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I intended
+to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long walk? There I
+stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was such
+glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature didn't
+understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just for
+exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the road
+back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to feel
+dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour too
+late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches near
+the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for me now!
+I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat
+there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and
+starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and
+sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired
+of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown
+orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at once
+commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins swelled up
+bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought after? Run about the
+whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but keep life in me for a
+few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a matter of indifference if
+the inevitable took place one day earlier or one day later? If I had
+conducted myself like an ordinary being I should have gone home long ago,
+and laid myself down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a
+moment. Now I was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things
+were hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource of
+which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each time I still
+hoped for a possible succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you
+have already begun to die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake. The
+blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the heart. I
+arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres,
+and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green
+blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching
+something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop. Without
+pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over to the bed, and
+roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange thing if this bright idea
+of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely superior to the stupid
+scruples which sprang up in me--half inward cries about a certain stain on
+my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no
+virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell on
+the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters from a
+side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind the
+counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them in
+a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he replied;
+and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and said, "No,
+excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better on
+the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny on
+it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it might
+go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I took
+it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again, smoothed
+it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every trace of my
+late action. I could not possibly have been in my right mind at the moment
+when I came to the conclusion to commit this rascally trick. The more I
+thought over it the more unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been
+an attack of weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised
+me when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I had
+half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly offered my
+glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had the opportunity
+of carrying into effect this fault which would have sullied the last hours
+I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast, apathetic
+after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter outside
+than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not pain quite so
+badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon enough--and I
+dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put it
+into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I did
+not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the noise
+of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the air. I
+might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in trying; and
+besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to consider the
+matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction
+of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly
+to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my
+eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once
+more I passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must
+stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to go in
+and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting thought, a flash;
+it could never really have occurred to me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to
+myself, and shook my head, and held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of
+lovers stood in a doorway and talked together softly; a little farther up
+a girl popped her head out of a window. I walked so slowly and
+thoughtfully, that I looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing
+in particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the world
+treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve
+us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I pulled up at once:
+What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to die? I felt over my
+cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two
+hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a
+standstill; I must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes
+were sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the
+very deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for
+sheer hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head that
+couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists that, by
+the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went and
+hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania. Was
+there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day and
+night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of my
+head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy prayed
+God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should be a stop
+to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil take a worse
+hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the consciousness
+of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without looking at the
+people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr myself, ran my
+forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms,
+bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed
+insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many times
+on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just going by
+remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked up." I looked
+after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not
+even he understood my real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had
+shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt
+madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was
+to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk.
+There was the haven in which I was to find rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the wind
+and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to the
+guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark of
+light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I had
+not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly painstaking;
+would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round from house to
+house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to
+him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked
+until I brought myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a
+hint from on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so
+far away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest
+between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when times
+were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him for sixpence?
+Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I would ask him for a
+shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for the chief. They showed me
+into his office; there he sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest
+style--running down some accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set
+forth my errand. Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be
+very long till I could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper
+article.... He would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was
+speaking he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had
+finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said,
+"No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It won't be I that will
+do that," he observed; adding, "and let me tell you, at the same time,
+I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had turned
+myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had not got it.
+Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone all too far with
+me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect through so many hard
+hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging.
+This one day had coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with
+shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the
+pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the outer
+door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the guard-house
+again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body bent
+forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden the
+stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible acquaintances,
+and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it was only seven
+o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours yet before the
+door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it no
+one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I had
+invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help for it.
+Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can
+assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why
+there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of
+oats in the stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was
+shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps, though,
+I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an hour. It was
+not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of water, either;
+my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the
+spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all
+yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a
+remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should certainly get a
+penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some place or other, and
+Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper article. I should just see it
+would come out all right. To think that I could really go and forget the
+buttons. I took them out of my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on
+again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply
+went on. Didn't I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark
+evenings, with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had
+vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked to go
+there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my books seemed
+likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was
+almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had written my first small
+poetical attempt, had been bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had
+found a haven with a photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was
+no cause to grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand;
+"Uncle" is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say,
+afraid of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My
+voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my
+heart beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat on
+the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I had
+brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any use;
+something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are quite an
+annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about the
+buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he give
+me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite
+according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares
+astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he
+liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his desk
+without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much, yet, all
+the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This laughter
+was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use trying with my
+eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go in with them; that
+was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if
+he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters I
+have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with his
+hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on my
+glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade him
+good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there was
+nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any price, I
+muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the office.
+He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made excuses, and I
+turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do you
+look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched out
+my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well tell
+you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better you come
+in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing with
+the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you hungry
+sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and my
+courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain of
+every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I wrote
+with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor; and,
+angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately, without even
+re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper in order to open
+up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to Archangel,
+or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of openings on many
+sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with me. My hair fell out
+in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches, particularly in the
+morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the
+day with my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the
+touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable door
+underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to bark, it
+thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me from every
+side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes and
+written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas which
+might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened here and
+there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled at sentence
+after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my
+articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into
+my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made
+some arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few
+pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an enormous
+paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones and all. I
+felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this dragon's
+mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive rejected work,
+newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the 28th,"
+and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of letters in their
+envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and lays down his pen. Then
+he swings round on his chair, and looks at me. Observing that I am still
+standing near the door, he makes a half-serious, half-playful motion with
+his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when I
+open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but perhaps
+it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them. His
+face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I had
+already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised the
+greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is curly, and
+his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a habit of tweaking
+his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look milder than this
+truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars wherever it
+attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes over me in the
+presence of this man. The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and
+I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he
+had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor bungling
+wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat and
+considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I stretch out
+my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us," he
+replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and write
+something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that people
+understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is rejected,
+and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to take up his
+time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in advance;
+you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much, all
+the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his desk
+again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I made
+a resolution not to return to him until I could take something with me,
+that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the "commandor"
+a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign without a
+moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass her
+by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same thick
+veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that she
+carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the handle.
+This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always in the
+same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and goes down
+the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I
+became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object
+of her visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of
+asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my assistance in
+any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly dressed, as I
+unfortunately was, I might protect her through the dark streets; but I had
+an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me something; a glass of
+wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all. My distressingly empty
+pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon me, and I had not even the
+courage to scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more
+taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since yesterday
+evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had often been able to
+hold out for a couple of days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to
+fall off seriously; I could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to
+do. A single day made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual
+retching the moment I tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay
+and shivered all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the
+daytime, lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy
+shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep
+out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the
+sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself alive
+until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I would try
+to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of hours if I
+once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at which
+men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of the
+cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides, with
+the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my hands
+thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky stars
+the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight months, not
+the common food necessary to hold body and soul together for the space of
+one short week, before want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into
+the bargain, gone and kept straight and honourable all through my
+misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve
+me, what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had even
+gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans Pauli's
+blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my delicate
+rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could not find words
+half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity. Let it only happen
+now! Were I to find at this moment a schoolgirl's savings or a poor
+widow's only penny, I would snatch it up and pocket it; steal it
+deliberately, and sleep the whole night through like a top. I had not
+suffered so unspeakably much for nothing--my patience was gone--I was
+prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park and
+went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets were
+fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet pairs
+and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had commenced, the
+pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full swing--and the hour of
+merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats, one or two still short,
+sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far
+down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a
+swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion that
+thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the dim
+light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to affect
+me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling admissions,
+concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are
+declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not
+possess even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to
+be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began again to
+think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have stolen a
+schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet, that I would have
+brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take to
+picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as they
+pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who fancy they
+are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a
+sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants,
+flaneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to
+fall down in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place
+at their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man or a
+stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray,
+mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I felt
+enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes. I
+lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep my
+own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a risk
+in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes; but was
+she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked to go
+along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see what I
+really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my arm, and
+said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the car-stand
+I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called me
+a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this unique
+street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now, Mary!"
+and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and more
+astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that I, too,
+was one of those who went about the street at night and ran after little
+girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps said anything
+rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had done when one was
+actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her,
+and accompanied her those few paces, to see how far she would go on with
+it. For the rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night;
+depart, and sin no more!" With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps I
+had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life; save
+her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it when she
+came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful
+heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to face
+anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might perhaps
+complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in my hand;
+hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring a candle.
+There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my writing
+materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened the door,
+and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I locked the door
+from the outside, and planted myself under the light. All around was
+quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in
+Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked.
+There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears,
+and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop. But
+the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from the
+commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to
+crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax.
+And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the
+constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from me,
+spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I stood and
+strove for a striking climax to an article for the _Commandor_? Lord,
+how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head above water, no
+matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space of an hour. The
+constable went his way. The cold began to get too intense for me to keep
+still. Disheartened and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the
+door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set to
+work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded by then
+in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not found an
+ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the paving-stones
+and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took aimless turns to
+and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my head carefully against
+the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger on the floor, and then
+listened attentively, all without any object, but quietly and pensively as
+if it were some matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the
+while I murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as before.
+After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself sharply
+together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could. There must be
+an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set myself resolutely to
+again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a score
+of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try and
+advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was incapable of
+more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself to gaze with wide
+open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at
+these strange, shaky letters that bristled up from the paper like small
+hairy creeping things, till at last I could neither make head nor tail of
+any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and tramp
+of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables as he
+chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my lips a
+little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest was in a
+pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more together, grew
+weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm my fingers a little
+I stroked them through my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small
+loose tufts came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered
+over the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as if
+it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to
+shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a
+mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my
+sore chest permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was
+dying helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof.
+At length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I shut
+my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled from
+it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither was the
+wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I shook my head,
+went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it round the sore
+place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes filled with tears;
+I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly
+pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom
+grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my finale
+through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle. My head was
+clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I did not suffer
+particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as some hours
+previously. I could hold out well till the next day. Perhaps I might be
+able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to the provision shop and
+explained my situation--I was so well known in there; in the good old
+days, when I had the means to do it, I used to buy many a loaf there.
+There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the strength of my honest
+name; and for the first time for ages I took to brushing my clothes a
+little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on
+my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On no
+account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would never
+get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor" before he
+had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the
+candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small parcels
+in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The shopman, who
+knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman, and packs
+without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are alone.
+He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my request
+over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count some
+silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He gives me
+back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am conscious
+something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think about
+anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth which is
+lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare at
+these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take my
+time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers strewn
+over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it is
+none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if it
+were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the door-handle,
+and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that the shop-boy
+replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into my
+hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite of
+all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly helped--helped for
+a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the money into my pocket, and
+walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in my
+mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a little
+refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates inside, and the
+sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too strong for me--I
+entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared to
+wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably well
+concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and then the
+waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was
+accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades
+were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help
+for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the
+shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go any
+farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to live more
+honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down into
+the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to get
+suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread, and
+the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible that
+he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there. Well,
+then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the table,
+"wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me at
+once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains into her
+hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun, with the
+tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy yourself a
+farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way at
+every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little towards
+me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and dropped her
+eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ... from me ...
+without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head. What a
+singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show myself
+too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected the depth
+of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could not
+keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a little at
+every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this nausea which
+threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and tried to fight it
+down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down furiously whatever sought
+to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head
+foremost, blinded with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited
+once more. I was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the
+street.... I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that
+persecuted me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments
+for their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate, really
+little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had been
+starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I said; he
+couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the man,
+astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first cafe I came to going along, and asked for some boiled
+milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it greedily,
+every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I get
+a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black again. The
+same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be no mistake
+about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth time. She is
+standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar that I
+involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good
+working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last
+meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of
+entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me. Without
+rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go straight up to the
+lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before; could I
+be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way, so
+earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself; it
+was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She was
+certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for anybody.
+I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed me
+more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in my
+pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass of
+wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had come, ha,
+ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that; but
+would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was rather
+dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up Carl Johann
+after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet breath
+every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated in an
+ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of
+a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved
+out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I
+surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me, making me
+idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not endure it
+any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers over her
+shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just for
+a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great fancy
+for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed before
+twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little tour
+in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She lived up in
+St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her mother,
+to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there anything odd
+in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did
+I know that? She had gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli a
+long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky is
+clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known at
+once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a while
+longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have you
+seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into that
+blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled with
+shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and lean face;
+perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest me
+in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that didn't
+know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie
+with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks of
+a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in space;
+in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures hovering
+over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored
+her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me.
+If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her the
+pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make out this
+creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be accompanied up the
+whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked beggar. What, in the name of
+God, was she thinking of? And why was I walking there, giving myself airs,
+and smiling idiotically at nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either,
+for letting myself be worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad
+bird? Mayhap it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death
+go right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against
+us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for
+many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even
+a little milk into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I
+might perhaps be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me,
+and let me go to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now"; and
+she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your name
+before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your veil so
+that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home. Were
+you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted windows
+of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood bareheaded. I
+wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my head
+or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned it
+topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to me as
+if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had expressly
+willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own desire. I walk on
+and look at her, and get more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me
+to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my
+humble position, my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course
+madly through my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and
+resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She puts
+the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the two
+ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just to
+get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may just
+wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do not
+know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me once
+before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with me, and
+I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that time too,
+more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain once
+more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any farther
+with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door with
+her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me clearly.
+How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken down? Here I
+stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured by hunger,
+unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink into the
+earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for a
+sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my neck
+and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly, bewilderingly
+swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom heaved; she was
+breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out of my clasp, called
+a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs
+without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain; great
+wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was raw and
+icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of confusion,
+my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the agitation of that
+delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while awake and fancied
+Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced myself and kissed
+the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of
+milk, and straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry,
+but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on under
+my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called up
+to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a designer,
+and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I haven't
+much time.... What lady was that you were walking with yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare
+thought. "Supposing it was my _fiancee_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in the
+most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer, drank it,
+and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few shillings.
+It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but now you shall
+have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back the
+few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately to my
+head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed me--made
+me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she
+were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious
+of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew
+afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its
+details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the
+money, and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt
+when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no, only on
+my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk taking down the
+evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the
+occasion--his look, his threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell,
+the eternally dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I had
+stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if it
+should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me no
+peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced that I
+had been happier before, during the period in which I had suffered in all
+honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with the touch of my
+sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat,
+jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake woman who was
+sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even
+yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would
+show the whole world that I was capable of doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it in
+my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted something,
+clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I spoke not a word,
+turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a delightful
+feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole matter
+thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret anguish; I had
+really thought about it with dread and shuddering time upon time. I was no
+hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled against such a low action.
+God be praised, I had raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I
+have done!" I said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place--
+"only just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to
+such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children
+wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections
+and considered that I had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be
+praised! The money was out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with me.
+I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it was as
+if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my shoulders. I
+felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something astounding, to
+set the whole town in a ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted
+myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran
+riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a
+commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to take
+hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and leave him again
+without any explanation. I distinguished every nuance in the voice and
+laughter of the passers-by, observed some little birds that hopped before
+me in the street, took to studying the expression of the paving-stones,
+and discovered all sorts of tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I
+arrive at length at Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and
+look at the droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and
+laughing. The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go
+ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to
+the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and
+we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times into
+the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too, grown
+suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had attracted
+his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She looks
+at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no effort
+to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the person I
+inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a bit. The
+lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver. He
+evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove on,
+without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is a
+tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the driver
+mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was right. I felt
+grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him that he had hit
+the man off to a T--he really was just as he described him,--and I
+remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see such a man
+without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I
+said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen
+the man without a knobbed stick in his hand, of
+that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they touched
+the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69. This
+number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like a
+splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched under
+the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and commenced to I
+talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my brain, and I let it
+rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to influences over which I
+have no control. I begin to laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace
+of cause, still merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I
+have drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more
+and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it down
+inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The
+driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy. I
+go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come to a
+door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a sort of
+anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on top of the
+other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over
+which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I hear voices and
+the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an
+iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of being
+conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who has
+spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I believe,
+and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had vanished from
+my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which came and went in
+turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid and
+weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great moist
+flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I sat down
+to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much astonishment.
+I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so heartily
+tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find it worth the
+trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity had gained the
+upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become so strangely
+poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once had been; my
+shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had contracted a habit
+of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what
+little I could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my
+room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn the
+same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale sweat, and
+had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of the sore place; it
+did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to have this tender place in
+the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of
+its own accord. I washed it, dried it carefully, and put on the same
+shirt. There was no help for it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the whole
+of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from feeling it
+envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end now, I would
+heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation, I
+rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the way I
+passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the right."
+Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former room in
+Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the
+lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's
+new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one
+night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write
+anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I would
+put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the half-conscious
+feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to stick to my purpose;
+I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the steps. At the door I met a
+little girl who was carrying a cup in her hands, and I slipped past her
+and opened the door. The shop boy and I stand face to face alone for the
+second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did this
+going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I got
+furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain fails
+him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of five
+shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently, and
+I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to use force
+if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from one
+foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make signs to
+hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered my
+head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that was
+opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious as
+to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in any
+way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I stand and
+explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of being ashamed
+as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me. Therefore I wash
+my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!'
+Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room, into
+the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in my knees
+from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high horse, and
+sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by the
+throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake of
+his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five shillings
+that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of his fear, had
+tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with every loud word
+that I had roared out. And the master himself had perhaps been sitting
+inside the inner room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come
+out and inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the
+low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would not
+have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would have
+assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for one happy
+second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me only this
+once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might die
+during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a little,
+so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the morning. I folded
+my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten her
+the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so faintly into
+my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so blessedly warm;
+and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy light that caresses me
+with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns
+sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated
+brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a
+heaven and earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of
+fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in
+brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body bathed
+in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I had no
+clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in amazement,
+felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely failed to recognize
+myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my legs, was struck with
+astonishment that the window was where it was, and not in the opposite
+wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as
+if it came from above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my elbow
+and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches. My feet
+had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me no pain,
+only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a little. I
+felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my balance and
+spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much, and I did not
+cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad. On the contrary, I
+was blissfully content. It did not strike me just then that anything could
+be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that the
+thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be sensible of
+a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which grew steadily
+worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast; carrying on a
+silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of diminutive
+gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed for a little,
+then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a little more, then lay
+quite still for a moment's space, and then began afresh, boring
+noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere
+after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to the
+market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome; at last
+I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market and Market
+Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and I had just
+stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice the place I
+was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the noise around me
+was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear it
+quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly as my
+bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me, and the
+wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little quicker if I had
+exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a
+couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in
+my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have been
+worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't think
+any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed to
+pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and saw
+blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side; it was
+not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they were; he
+looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I had begged
+him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He
+would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return,
+wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed my
+chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got dark I
+jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and sat on the
+edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and took to chewing
+it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and unseeing eyes,
+staring straight into space. I could hear a group of little children
+playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some
+pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars underneath
+me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the balustrade to the
+other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the steps. When I had
+nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I called up the archway
+leading to the stairs, and made a threatening backward gesture, as if I
+were talking to a dog up there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I
+met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said; "only
+a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him something
+to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of the
+passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and stopped
+outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no light to
+be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I began to gnaw
+at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced to
+vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it down, it
+would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a matter of
+forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew wild, bit
+angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down by sheer
+strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as the little
+fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came again, worse
+luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from sheer
+helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone
+got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried
+as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers
+that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the most
+fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with gnashing
+teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy me a little,
+comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it avails me naught,
+I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the most impotent hate;
+shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely,
+and bend my fingers like claws, with ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you did,
+I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire of hell!
+I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed me; and I turn
+my back on you for all eternity, because you did not know your time of
+visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and yet I mock you! You
+Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the face--I tell you, I
+would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I
+tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness;
+and I choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the
+devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you have
+filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots from here
+below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at their hour of
+death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and you know not, you
+omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my
+life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock
+you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could,
+breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop
+in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom, and curse
+the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's boundless
+miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all thy works and all
+thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell on you again, and tear
+out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell you, if you exist, my
+last word in life or in death--I bid you farewell, for all time and
+eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and reins. I bid you the last
+irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and turn my back on you and go my
+way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the violent
+crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied outburst of rage.
+I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the
+door. Then I hear voices--a conversation between two men who are coming
+down the passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls
+of the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog along
+Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar direction. It
+occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the corner of the
+market-place, the stores for loose materials, the old booths for
+second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the place--they spoilt the
+whole appearance of the market, and were a blot on the town, Fie! away
+with the rubbish! And I turned over in my mind as I walked on what it
+would cost to remove the Geographical Survey down there--that handsome
+building which had always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It
+would perhaps not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under
+two or three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must
+admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a
+start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy
+enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling
+over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I
+had a feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would,
+for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to
+die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot
+throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping up
+through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular distress.
+I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a lame
+man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped him
+instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun had
+sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under the man's
+nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been
+smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the air;
+it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand,
+reckoned in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again. "You
+wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of tobacco--only
+just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made no
+use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye on
+me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or another.
+Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look following
+me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn round, and,
+dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at him
+as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It was as
+if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I stare for
+a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to
+the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his
+gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat. It
+seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against a
+house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from
+the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his
+compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would have
+called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor" tweaks
+his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to the
+wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands me
+half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign, reiterating
+at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to death. I
+stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is shameful of
+me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor" at
+last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but could
+not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near tumbling on
+my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave up the attempt;
+thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when after all I did
+muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he was already at too
+great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly and
+silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me half-a-
+sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood, imitated
+all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened eyes,
+inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the top of my
+voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in my hand was
+half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown
+very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11
+Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and
+wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into
+the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for shelter
+and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter everywhere.
+The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets, golden-tinted from the
+sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented streets
+and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a turn up St.
+Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of No. 2. In an hour
+I would see her. I went about the whole time in a state of tremulous,
+delicious dread. What would happen? What should I say when she came down
+the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with
+the smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the clocks
+struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the way it
+struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late, and I
+quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore, otherwise
+nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a long
+while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come. Well, I
+would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I waited on. It
+couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had my first meeting
+with her only existed in imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began
+in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide staircase
+before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my hat
+at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little quickly
+after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And besides,
+would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way, that you
+would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too, so
+I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us had
+seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the door
+the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had perhaps
+been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave me. Suppose I
+were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of mine! I waited
+despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall certainly
+not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led me
+on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could very
+well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a lamp she
+lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a little
+laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am
+so ashamed, but I will never do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss you
+again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to her,
+and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table. We
+stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize hold
+of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took off her
+hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements. I made a
+fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot refusing to
+bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door; you
+are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's it ...
+ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and do
+everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for example, you
+might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair; you could
+easily have thought of that much out of your own head, couldn't you? But
+if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't
+believe what was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it
+several times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade
+me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to be
+otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were tipsy--when
+you followed me straight home and worried me with your witticisms. 'You
+are losing your book, madam; you are quite certainly losing your book,
+madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment in
+it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most extraordinary
+creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I never saw their
+match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no, perhaps, not like
+flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love with you, and it is
+so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a
+chance for me.... What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you
+are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that
+again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes,
+that is to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like that?
+It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated herself
+close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with her foot, and
+we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a little
+better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap better. Don't
+imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and you had a dirty
+rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that state you absolutely
+wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you would
+not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't even
+think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of her
+head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a little
+on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could feel her
+breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when I
+went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if you lay
+on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be from
+a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm around
+her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being so
+utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and seized her
+hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away from me. That
+just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and looked out
+through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too wretched a
+condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any one in
+particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her during the
+time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in my old,
+well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt
+fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub you
+with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving a
+little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I flung
+my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the girl out
+of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I
+would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was backward on
+that score. The creature was possessed by the devil himself! If it were
+only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against my
+breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both hers
+and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down my
+shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair there
+is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I won't
+say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed that of you!
+To think that you, who are so young, already should lose your hair! Now,
+do please just tell me what sort of way you really spend your life--I am
+certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do you hear; no evasions.
+Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you are....
+Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she had
+as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself worthy
+of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person almost
+angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up to date on
+my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related truth. I made out
+nothing any worse than it was; it was not my intention to rouse her
+compassion. I told her also that I had stolen five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining eyes
+completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to disperse the
+sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a thing
+happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up to
+my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was I
+more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental in
+causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of me if I
+had made myself out to be a _roue_?... No nonsense now;... it was
+just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at
+it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naive. I could have fallen
+down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on the
+sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very ill at
+ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing she
+said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to put it
+on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the fireplace. So
+that it should not appear as if she had shown me the door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly standing
+over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to come
+of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her out
+that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost to me,
+and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting
+word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the
+face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold,
+disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling
+word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless fashion.
+Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and straightly to go my way?
+I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was no need of feeling embarrassed
+about it. Instead of reminding me that the girl would soon come home, she
+could have simply said as follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and
+fetch my mother, and I won't have your escort through the street." So it
+was not that she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the
+same she had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require
+much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her
+jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said
+before, I had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was
+at the root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come over
+to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened certain
+powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you
+honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its advantages. It
+helped me in certain situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far
+nicer observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about him
+at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he hears from
+the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this way a task for
+his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and
+sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the
+fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that I
+tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the same.
+At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her in rude
+enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched by her
+heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my hand
+on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might answer
+me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I don't
+even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell me, why
+didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't get in your
+way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once, as if you
+didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare,
+made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but,
+indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing
+is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or give
+me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I will only
+kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the floor before you,
+only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not to do it then, I see.
+You are getting afraid. I will not, I will not do it; do you hear? Lord,
+why do you get so terrified. I am standing quite still; I am not moving. I
+would have knelt down on the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that
+patch of red, at your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once
+in your eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't
+move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as
+I stand now when I point out the place to you where I would have knelt
+before you, over there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even
+point with my finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten
+you. I only nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly
+well which rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid
+of me, and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have
+the heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is true!
+God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie. There, you can
+see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I did it; I can get
+credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good
+deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food all the same, because I
+forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you
+don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did she
+only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she had
+tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her mouth;
+I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a sacrifice
+as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite of
+all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for a
+little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold, and
+stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was forcing
+herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to the
+door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy, dark,
+and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the whole week
+through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the streets, and yet
+people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound, the clang of the
+church bells, the jingling of the harness of the droske horses, the
+people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything, sounded choked and
+jangling through the close air, that penetrated and muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In this
+way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to writing
+again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together that satisfied
+me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove
+early and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune
+had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat and
+made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the first
+evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got. All the
+time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in getting together
+an article on some subject or another, so that I could pay for my room,
+and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I worked on so
+persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from which I
+expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon
+which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander"
+in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent this
+time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it only was a
+matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why shouldn't the spirit
+move me? Why should it not come over me even now, at a very early date?
+There was no longer anything the matter with me. My landlady gave me a
+little food every day, some bread and butter, mornings and evenings, and
+my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands
+when I wrote; and I could stare down into the street from my window on the
+second floor without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it
+was becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already
+finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on this
+day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me to look
+over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she said; it didn't
+agree with her own book; but she had not been able to find out the
+mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at me.
+I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the total
+right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I looked at the
+woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed at the same time
+that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention, and yet I did not
+stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp chimney,
+3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any particularly shrewd
+head to run up these rows of figures--this little huckster account in
+which nothing very complex occurred. I tried honestly to find the error
+that the woman spoke about, but couldn't succeed. After I had muddled
+about with these figures for some minutes I felt that, unfortunately,
+everything commenced to dance about in my head; I could no longer
+distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came
+to a dead stop at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at
+9d." My brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese,
+and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in despair.
+"Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese entered--ha, ha!
+did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to give
+it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was as if
+something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the impression that
+I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number
+aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if
+I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash of
+contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never heard
+from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed to reckon
+in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to some one who
+had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly revised. She
+said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but
+thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said,
+without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a little
+owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks yesterday
+since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to keep things
+going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging on credit,
+more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you about
+before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall have
+your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me some
+time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter of an
+hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day. I
+have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day or
+hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair. No,
+in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no salvation! My
+brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a complete dolt since I
+could not even add up the price of a piece of Dutch cheese? But could it
+be possible I had lost my senses when I could stand and put such questions
+to myself? Had not I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts
+with the reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the
+family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything
+about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it
+with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right at a despairing
+moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to
+myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade. Some
+children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed children in the
+middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle between them and
+screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to
+some dislodged family, forced to change residence between "flitting time."
+[Footnote: In Norway, l4th of March and October.] This struck me at once.
+Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float, moth-eaten beds and
+chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with three legs, mats, old iron, and
+tin-ware. A little girl--a mere child, a downright ugly youngster, with a
+running cold in her nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with
+her poor little blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap
+of frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on, and
+looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one
+another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending everything
+that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window and observed
+this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the kitchen right
+alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and I listened to
+hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that an idiot could not
+have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and begin
+to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them; he was my
+landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are saying to one
+another, and immediately a flock of children crowded together under my
+window, and looked wistfully up. What did they expect? That something
+would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones, cigar ends, or one thing or
+another, that they could amuse themselves with? They looked up with their
+frost-pinched faces and unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two
+small foes continued to revile one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't breaths
+for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the cause of the
+quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him, he gets
+perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To
+think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I will, may the
+Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street with
+her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the arm and
+tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as if
+you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising; this
+disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any longer.
+I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call twice, just
+to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call very loudly,
+and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her
+self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright
+maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring.
+She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought
+to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen; I
+absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my own
+thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was impossible
+that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How could there, in
+this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have been
+worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no end of
+worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this tomfoolery. Is it
+a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything as accurately as you
+do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without
+its humorous side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to
+every man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the
+simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure accident.
+As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a good laugh at
+your expense. As far as that huckster account is concerned, that paltry
+five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha,
+ha!--a cheese with cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in
+which, to put the matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that
+ridiculous cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in
+the world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough
+to finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said
+I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter. That is
+another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in good
+form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level head,
+nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth rose in
+measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I laughed aloud,
+and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too, as if I only
+needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy rapture, without a care
+on any side, to get my head into working order once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not very
+fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was altogether
+first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point, that
+all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I was,
+namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this thought.
+It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human brains; and I
+intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my landlady
+came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the room, she did
+not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a traveller,
+and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep downstairs with
+us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there too." And before she
+got my answer, she began, without further ceremony, to bundle my papers
+together on the table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire
+confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room. And
+so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller already
+on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on the backs
+of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest on his
+shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he
+would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps,
+too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my
+moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay
+on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to submit to
+fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on the
+quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and prattled to
+itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's father, sat doubled
+together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down Over his hands as if his
+chest or stomach pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in
+his crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its
+ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said to
+the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened to
+come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have something in
+hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much as his lazy
+limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down stairs, was
+occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to the house. She
+had put herself in connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she
+paid a certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often
+gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was "Pane o'
+glass" that had just brought along the new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin, freckled,
+gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A while after
+the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she intended to put me up
+for the night, and she replied that I could lie in here together with the
+others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she
+answered me she fussed about the room and busied herself with different
+things that she set in order, and she never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it appear
+as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for another for
+one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not to irritate her
+and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then held my
+tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to give
+people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told you that
+before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor of
+the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how he
+had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take his
+first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was staying in
+town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my room was lost
+to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to get
+anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was quiet. It
+was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new idea, a
+perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The Sign of the
+Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had especially thought out
+everything in connection with the principal characters: a magnificently
+fanatical harlot who had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or
+desire, but for hate against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the
+altar, with the altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt
+for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on. She
+stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was exactly
+as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and repulsive,
+tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her long limbs
+should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took. She was also
+to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to
+dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested me in her was her
+wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin
+which she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was
+absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and I
+worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had finished
+half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much effort, at times
+with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and had to tear the page in
+two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold and fatigue, and I arose
+and went out into the street. For the last half-hour, too, I had been
+disturbed by the crying of the children inside the family room, so that I
+could not, in any case, have written any more just then. So I took a long
+time up over Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering
+incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my drama.
+Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street, almost
+at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this shoemaker's
+shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did not, by the way,
+remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were far away in other
+parts of the world. A swarm of people talking together passed behind my
+back, and I heard nothing of what was said. Then a voice greeted me
+loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked at
+him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with that
+fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if I
+had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if to
+console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand there
+and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a mean
+trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly
+say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want to
+know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen wrong--that was
+my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right from wrong yet a
+while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the bargain, to sully my
+honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps me afloat now. But it
+is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman at
+a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I would not
+have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have given this
+toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps this red
+dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And at bottom
+what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon.
+Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to
+make good his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the
+whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up the
+street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding delicate dart. I
+whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the
+two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his
+hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously.
+The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial souls
+together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being going
+along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first she
+answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who neither
+feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might not have
+the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord,
+not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her
+door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he could
+not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along, hit upon one
+thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag, and represented
+himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged to laugh at this merry
+soul who refused to be rebuffed by her coldness, and it finally ended by
+his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like," he
+added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow; well,
+then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with all
+her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise my
+hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly not; she
+was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen
+off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been
+the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least
+astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her. But that
+was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute, like a fool,
+especially when she had become so seriously besmirched of late. "The Duke"
+was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day might come when I would just
+take into my head to pass her haughtily by without glancing once towards
+her. Ay, it might happen that I would venture to do this, even if she were
+to gaze straight into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the
+bargain. It might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If
+I knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during
+the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have
+brought this young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with
+all her charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live by?
+For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the Cross.'
+Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with that,
+why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days' time
+or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp. It
+was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go to bed
+tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely to be able
+to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward my request
+very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on
+my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a
+remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that
+it might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she would
+only just render me this great service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve o'clock,
+I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that right
+well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside with
+us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at all; so
+that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and thought over
+this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here, in
+the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently at the
+floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a whit;
+nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little girls came
+in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair
+on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled
+down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and
+played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and
+sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the
+midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more about me;
+she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had been out to dine.
+The whole household had become hostile towards me. It was as if I had only
+needed disgrace of being obliged to resign my room to a stranger to be
+treated as a man of no account. Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed,
+street-wench, with a big fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat
+bosom, poked fun at me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and
+butter. She inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of
+dining, as she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It
+was clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a
+pleasure in letting me know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers into
+my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me. I look
+at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are not yet
+fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing
+I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She
+had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit
+awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my
+coat. It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy,
+that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments
+of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made fun of them in
+every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my expense. I had never
+molested her in any way, and could not recall that I had ever asked her to
+do me a service. On the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the
+ante-room myself, in order not to give her any trouble with it. She made
+fun of me, too, because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in
+the basin I washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my
+shoes, too, had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had
+been run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them.
+"God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as
+wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then
+I couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident malice
+of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man over in
+the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this diversion. They
+both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I looked on at this
+for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old fellow did not move a
+finger to defend himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious
+eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the
+straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at this
+sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father looked up from
+his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also drew the attention of
+his comrades at play to what was going on. Why didn't the old fellow move?
+Why didn't he fling the children aside with his arms? I took a stride, and
+approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear of
+rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I stepped
+back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should I risk my
+lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose into the
+family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man,
+and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that the
+old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes and
+nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said nothing,
+and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part of his body
+a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls, drew himself up
+again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on,
+saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and
+sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly did
+not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled over my
+whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep your
+tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve you
+best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled with
+scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack of
+you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be quiet,
+both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open house and
+food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and the devil's
+own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any more of it,
+not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your
+noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of
+such people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny to
+buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the night and
+quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean to have any more
+of it, do you understand that? and you can go your way, every one who
+doesn't belong home here. I am going to have peace in my own quarters, I
+am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it would
+surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and what word
+after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far
+advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and
+show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no
+attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never
+felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared coolly,
+case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an oleograph, and held my
+tongue obstinately during all the landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be nothing
+in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the card-players as he
+stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them. "If
+there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's the
+least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick enough
+who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and spun
+it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant. "Quiet,"
+said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to go--not
+expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my part--no
+untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular green hair
+on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or
+expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly
+correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas
+darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text, Each
+life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day of Judgment,
+when all will be consumed; then a little detour down to the earthquake in
+Lisbon, about which something floated before me in reference to a brass
+Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle that I had seen down at
+Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just like grass that was kindled.
+It all ended in four planks and a winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had
+from Miss Andersen's, on the right of the door...." And all this was
+tossed about in my head during the despairing moment when my landlady was
+about to thrust me from her door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now, out
+you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key in
+the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the rest
+to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out into the
+streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while ago
+took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I did
+not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended that I
+had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I tried
+hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place. For the
+time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only living
+beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to extinguish
+the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached Kirkegaden and the
+road down towards the fortress. Cold and still sleepy, weak in the knees
+and back after my long walk, and very hungry, I sat down on a seat and
+dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had lived exclusively on the
+bread and butter that my landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it
+was twenty-four hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw
+badly at me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this
+thought I fell asleep again upon the seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every one
+was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped myself
+on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice sounded so
+wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with
+it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too
+mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A large
+barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her name,
+_Copegoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch what
+took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she
+lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had
+already taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship
+whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy, merry
+life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run lustily.
+Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes of my drama
+whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped over
+the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration to the
+violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this oration, upon
+which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge my words, the
+bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways, and the
+ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with the
+atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my
+drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt convinced
+that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there in
+the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single quiet spot
+in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was no other way
+open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank
+at the thought of it, and I told myself all the while that it would not
+do. I went ahead all the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the
+forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it
+was degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was
+not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I was one
+of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter what
+the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done, what a
+bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a matter of
+a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I should ever seek
+refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even whilst I was
+crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost turned round at
+the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could
+excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper
+adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all irrelevant
+impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a sentence in the
+inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to me, thus dictates
+also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and my own conscience...."
+I looked out of the window to think over what his conscience should
+dictate to him. A little row reached me from the room inside. Well, it was
+no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me
+what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet
+now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything conspired
+against me. Outside in the street, something was taking place that
+disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the sun on the
+opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear of no danger--just
+sat and knotted together a lot of paper streamers, and injuring no one.
+Suddenly he jumps up and begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle
+of the street and catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red
+beard, who is leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who
+spat down on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore
+impatiently up at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps
+five minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little
+lad's tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that the
+whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong. Was
+there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them anew, and
+solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy
+pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set
+to work again darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor, and
+entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to hinder me
+from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his things. I
+wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on a chair near
+the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees.
+Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready
+in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the
+other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over
+my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I
+heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a church
+bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All was going
+ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the stairs. I
+tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt, timorous,
+watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger. I listen
+nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen. I cannot
+write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the landlady
+calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther; the
+landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait for
+you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil does
+it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst abusive
+epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought myself in
+time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the stranger man who
+followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod close on my heels,
+railing incessantly, and my anger increased with every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether I
+would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely blinded
+with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression that would
+strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A commissionaire
+passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no notice; he
+applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do not turn
+round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and stops me. He
+hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains
+half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and envelope,
+wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is still keeping an
+eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face. I said nothing; I
+uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was examining the crumpled
+paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one might call comporting oneself
+with dignity. Not to say a word, not to mention the contents, but crumple
+together, with perfect calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it
+straight in the face of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's
+exit with dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the street
+commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed vacantly in my
+head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I could simply go no
+farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the cramped position I was
+in. As I fell up against it, so I remained standing, and I felt that I was
+beginning to lose my senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of
+exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried
+several other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth,
+wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My
+thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was about to succumb.
+I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street
+still danced wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I
+wrestled from my very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant
+effort not to sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would
+die standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I
+swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have the
+vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with the
+thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in the air,
+and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy
+Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and forced
+myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her,
+she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer
+good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to complain.
+I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her pardon in my own
+mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted bitterly that I had shown
+myself ungrateful to her at the last, and thrown half-a-sovereign in her
+face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought me,
+where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly over
+this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I grew sick
+with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice,
+and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had
+decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the
+greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion,
+and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an end to my
+degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a decent position.
+I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I turned; sank to my knees,
+sank to my waist, dived under in ignominy, never to rise again--never!
+This was the climax! To accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able
+to fling it back to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the
+chance offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of
+one's intense inner aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go back
+to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use. There must
+be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert myself right
+well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case, great God,
+sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must consider so that it
+penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and find some way to procure
+this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps meet
+the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might and
+main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and re-read
+from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no obstinacy,
+now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything that strikes me,
+just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I tried to persuade
+myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I lied right royally to
+myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to
+seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly; only
+just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast rather
+strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle
+Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth,
+jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling
+my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to
+myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few
+words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing in
+the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I lift my
+head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a long time
+watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out his
+watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined effrontery!
+That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into them.... I was
+peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a little strain. Every
+nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling any more pain, without
+even being conscious of discomfort of any kind, I walked, light as a
+feather, across the whole market, turned round at the stalls, and came to
+a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just
+as well be a matter of indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign
+or not? When once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no
+want where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was
+sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the messenger
+keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole half-sovereign
+that had been sent to me. So there was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign still
+busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It would
+hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so? Always
+ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my head and say,
+No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the street again. Even
+when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I
+must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man
+to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my way....
+I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging and brought
+myself into the most distressful circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort of
+man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I knew
+Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the money,
+therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put it
+plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and
+then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally
+in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion.
+There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt anew.
+I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the chemist's
+under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce battle in me at
+this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out
+into space, a figure becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At
+last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is
+that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the
+sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat, and
+begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman before the
+same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and snap my fingers,
+rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What
+the devil was it to me if it was the wages of sin, or well-earned
+Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be
+abused; one might die of too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a standstill
+before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my words as if
+it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers, this
+pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not say
+anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind, I did
+not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal with, it
+is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a contract for
+every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to think
+over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh boisterously,
+as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the outset that I
+came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the table, a sort of
+white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of clothes,
+makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and gives me to
+understand that she had not expected me to return to rob her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience that
+some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of, without
+that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look at that now!
+Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen money, since I
+slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think that either. Well,
+that at least was a good thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so
+say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha!
+yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness. Always
+when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my head and
+said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it never
+happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in this
+manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford it--for
+example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be expected to
+suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of procedure to her. It
+was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps never been outside the
+boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at that now! In that case,
+she could of course have no opinion on the subject; ... and I took several
+more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole stand,
+because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I had no
+intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the value of
+the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to trouble her
+again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of
+creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or
+five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think
+of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her, persisted
+that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a shilling, besides
+robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you know there is a penalty for
+such rascally trickery," said I; "God help you, you might get penal
+servitude for life, you old fool!" She flung another cake to me, and, with
+almost gnashing teeth, begged me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The whole
+time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my cakes, I
+talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness, repeated to
+myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed to me that I
+had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I
+ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter how
+I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no help! I
+was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little cake that
+I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it aside, in
+fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played
+with the paper streamers. I thought of him continually--couldn't forget
+his face as he jumped and swore. He had turned round towards the window
+when the man spat down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was
+laughing at him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down
+that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly by
+the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some scraps of
+papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had amazed by my
+behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering in,
+and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid the cake
+down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and hurried away
+directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the first thing he will
+do when he comes out will be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with
+pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of those
+ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk farther down
+the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my hands, and am
+conscious that my head is growing more and more confused. I do not stir; I
+simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer. I just sit there and
+stare at the _Copegoro_, the barque flying the Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the port
+shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I had no
+object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me, so I
+stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses furtively
+and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and strode on
+deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to. Where
+are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to me
+where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to a
+little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really do
+anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of chap
+if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can take two
+watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me good, and I
+could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and exhaustion,
+and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to the town--to
+Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all the homes.
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER ***
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Posting Date: October 2, 2014 [EBook #8387]
+Release Date: June, 2005
+First Posted: July 6, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantic movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It
+was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the
+stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old
+numbers of the _Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice
+from the Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an
+inflated advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to
+think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat
+hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken
+to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had
+kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had
+favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from
+some newspaper or other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements
+near the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of
+"winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That
+occupied me for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I
+got up and put on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a
+view of a clothes-line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins
+of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I
+leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open
+space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of
+the year, when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us.
+The ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room,
+the floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it,
+seemed like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening
+to the door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night
+to dry them a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert
+myself with was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in
+the evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned
+up through the floor and from out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_
+near the door was rent in strips a span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail
+me aught. The frequent repulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I
+could not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There
+was always something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist
+in the Fire Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some
+half-hundred men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength
+and bravery, whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the
+applicants, felt their arms, and put one question or another to them.
+Me, he passed by, merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on
+account of my sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there
+with knitted brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man
+passed me by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than
+all, I could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a
+respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards
+or parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers,
+I had thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous
+subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain;
+in despair I had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long
+hours of intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was
+finished I set to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the
+editors' "no." I used to tell myself constantly that some day I was
+bound to succeed; and really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and
+made a hit with something, I could get five shillings for an
+afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I
+stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract my
+landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had fallen
+due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the
+pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous
+traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and
+more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely
+take a morning walk in the open air. What had the air to do with my
+lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A
+sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took
+possession of me. I fell to observing the people I met and who passed
+me, to reading the placards on the wall, noted even the impression of a
+glance thrown at me from a passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each
+trifling incident that crossed or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense
+of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became
+ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner.
+As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front
+of her head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last
+few days that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The
+long yellow snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum,
+and her gaze was still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I
+immediately lost all appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me.
+When I reached the market-place I went to the fountain and drank a
+little. I looked up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself
+about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a
+side street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go,
+wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to
+and fro amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright
+and my mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried
+a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength
+in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted
+from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his
+bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in
+Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he
+in such a hurry? I had not the slightest intention of asking him for a
+shilling, and, more than that, I intended at the very first opportunity
+to return him a blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden
+to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article
+I felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to
+draw from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable
+place to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my
+article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead
+of me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in
+front of me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless;
+perhaps he had made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I
+had, and I must needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my
+irritation it seemed to me that he slackened his pace a little at every
+cross street, as if waiting to see which direction I intended to take,
+upon which he would again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with
+all his might to keep ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome
+creature and get more and more exasperated with him, I am conscious
+that he has, little by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the
+pure, beautiful morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks
+like a great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a
+place in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we
+reached the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an opportunity
+of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some minutes, I again
+walked on there was the man still in front of me--he too had stood
+stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or four furious
+onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For
+milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know
+how much you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some minutes
+and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the
+waistcoat on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to
+be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he
+standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined
+the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did
+the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not
+as good as begun to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I
+had no fear whatever for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What
+on earth business was it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a
+drink on such a lovely day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my
+mind to give him a good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back
+my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at
+a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came
+to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed
+me back the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him,
+told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for
+nothing? If all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had
+just recollected an old debt; he was standing before an honest man,
+honourable to his finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no
+thanks were needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I
+could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped
+before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and
+I decided to go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on
+to the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a
+square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me
+that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could
+no longer be satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple
+and straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might
+arrive at, ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much
+greater effort than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome
+difficulties, and I decided on a treatise, in three sections, on
+"Philosophical Cognition." This would, naturally, give me an
+opportunity of crushing pitiably some of Kant's sophistries ... but, on
+taking out my writing materials to commence work, I discovered that I
+no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My
+pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me
+today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of
+turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near
+the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators;
+otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a
+thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a
+maniac. How strangely awry things seemed to go! To think that an
+article in three sections should be downright stranded by the simple
+fact of my not having a pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I
+were to return to Pyle Street and ask to get my pencil back? There
+would be still time to get a good piece finished before the promenading
+public commenced to fill the parks. So much, too, depended on this
+treatise on "Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings'
+welfare, no one could say; and I told myself it might be of the
+greatest possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I
+would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I
+would only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I
+came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in
+the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day;
+it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant
+hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my
+pencil from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I
+passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I
+looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and,
+becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe
+at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking
+thought of her own. Or can it be because I touched her arm? Her high,
+full bosom heaves violently several times, and she closes her hand
+tightly above the handle of her parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil
+incident, and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on
+a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically
+inspired, take a singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd
+desire to make this lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some
+way. I overtake her again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet
+her face-to-face in order to observe her well. I stand and gaze into
+her eyes, and hit, on the spur of the moment, on a name which I have
+never heard before--a name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When
+she is quite close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly
+as I said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to
+stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired
+with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me.
+I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing
+the fool. I made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and
+coughed frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very
+slowly, and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back,
+and involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her
+annoyance. By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far,
+far away in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not
+I who was going along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already
+stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and
+repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it
+is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity
+in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a
+book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her
+hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts
+her sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what
+book it is I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one,
+now another expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the
+very buttons on her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened
+eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm.
+"He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without
+my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street
+towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a
+very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window
+opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with
+her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on the outside.
+Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted.
+Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were
+suddenly surrounded by a strong light. The ladies before me had each a
+blue bird's wing in their hats, and a plaid silk ribbon round their
+necks. It struck me that they were sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I
+stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they
+had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street
+and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their
+heels as I dared to be. They turned round once, and sent me a
+half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw no resentment nor any
+trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me
+lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer
+gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them
+until they entered some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before
+going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened
+for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor.
+I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then
+something odd happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second
+after a window opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes
+dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots
+and strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We
+stand and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a
+minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word
+is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock
+through my senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears
+across the floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the
+accentuation in that movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My
+blood was sensible of all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all
+at once rarely glad. Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window.
+The more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I
+became. Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely
+all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are
+being watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well
+as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my
+gait became unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look
+well. In order to appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms
+about, spat out, and threw my head well back--all without avail, for I
+continually felt the pursuing eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran
+down my back. At length I escaped down a side street, from which I took
+the road to Pyle Street to get my pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets.
+I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with
+him, and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable
+impression on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back
+again to the counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that
+I owed him an explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little.
+I began to hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the
+pencil in my hand, I held it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any
+and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different
+matter; there was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it
+looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the
+world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come
+right over to the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he
+never heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost
+as much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort
+of man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the
+door with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in
+a high position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed
+twice profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I
+heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I
+recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door
+with his knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began
+to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann
+Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself
+look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances who had
+taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to gaze at the
+passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads,
+and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no
+sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not
+even a clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy
+souls. And I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and
+newly-fledged as I was, had already forgotten the very look of
+happiness. I hugged these thoughts to myself as I went on, and found
+that a great injustice had been done me. Why had the last months
+pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed to recognize my own happy
+temperament, and I met with the most singular annoyances from all
+quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or set my foot any
+place without being assailed by insignificant accidents, miserable
+details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered my
+powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and
+occupy me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me?
+But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against
+a man in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more
+and more incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected
+as an experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it,
+a peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans
+in order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat
+and sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me
+from thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began
+I could so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had
+become, as it were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I
+would go. A swarm of tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner
+man and hollowed me out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I
+had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual
+way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was
+oversated, and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The
+people who came and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At
+last my seat was taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk
+loudly together. I got angry and was on the point of addressing them,
+but turned on my heel and went right to the other end of the Park, and
+found another seat. I sat down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a
+place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but
+imploring enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any
+length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my
+head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no
+longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that
+my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and
+more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to
+draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing
+obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight
+mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven
+and told Him so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked
+quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore
+should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may
+array this miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my
+Heavenly Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the
+housetop, and hath He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly
+servitor? The Lord stuck His finger in the net of my nerves
+gently--yea, verily, in desultory fashion--and brought slight disorder
+among the threads. And then the Lord withdrew His finger, and there
+were fibres and delicate root-like filaments adhering to the finger,
+and they were the nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a
+gaping hole after the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my
+brain in the track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His
+finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall
+me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of all
+Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing
+materials to try to write something, and at the same time my book of
+shaving-tickets [Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as
+few men in Norway shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened
+it, and counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks,
+and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a better frame
+of mind on account of this little property which still remained to me.
+I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the book safely into my
+pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me;
+my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself
+together enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder;
+to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend.
+They are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on
+to, set their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or
+stand immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my
+legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet
+notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new
+impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head
+is so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought
+without tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down
+my breast and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot
+makes each time my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet,
+and I experience at this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I
+have never felt before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves,
+as if sparks of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching
+sight of my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a
+part of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a
+feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising towards me.
+"Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched my fists and I
+repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this ridiculous feeling,
+made fun of myself, with a perfect consciousness of doing so, talked
+very severely and sensibly, and closed my eyes very tightly to get rid
+of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their
+looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and
+their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give
+them expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own
+nature had gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost
+of my other I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour.
+A little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted
+phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period,
+maybe a year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my
+memory. I began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an
+old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which
+something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused,
+and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea
+entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of
+its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began to move backwards and
+forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds, dangerous documents
+stolen from some archive or other; something floated before me about a
+secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper
+as every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species
+of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting
+his package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he
+did not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life
+there was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit.
+Just the fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious
+affair distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for
+something to offer the man in order to enter into conversation with
+him, took hold of my shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it
+entered my head to be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty
+breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it
+long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read
+either, not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on
+me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did not
+need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he
+could hear people in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arrière pensée_, and I
+answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What
+number do you live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing
+up, at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is
+your landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of
+the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name
+which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and
+pretended to have heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was
+not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he
+was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man
+is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would
+not have roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down
+from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one
+lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and
+stop his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics
+to be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to
+see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in
+Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister
+of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the
+same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed
+the whole thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his
+daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves,
+and who reclined on a couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest
+creature I had ever seen; I had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her
+match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent
+air, as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a
+kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right
+into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he
+imagine she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was
+simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored
+me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter
+seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or
+other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper
+lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to
+examine it or see what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories
+of my own which floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The
+blood flew to my head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own
+much property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name
+I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every
+huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a
+syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the
+instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against
+this creature whom nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render
+suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all
+that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature
+... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might
+perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently
+and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he
+feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even
+believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your
+match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you?
+Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking
+to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my
+Sunday-best without even a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me
+tell you such treatment as yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and
+I won't endure it, the Lord strike me dead if I will--neither from you
+nor any one else, do you know that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from
+off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short,
+tottering steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink
+at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression
+came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more
+vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the
+creature before he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly
+in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the
+parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was
+calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under
+quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and
+began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten
+cause me any longer any particular distress. I leant against the back
+of the seat in the best of humours, closed my eyes, and got more and
+more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the point of falling asleep, when
+a park-keeper put his hand on my shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way
+or another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to
+me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were
+written by people all too little known to be of much use; besides that,
+constant refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me.
+At all events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the
+rest would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and
+I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only
+now one single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put
+words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long
+piece, without the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write
+this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a
+workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter
+about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me downcast,
+sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to hush everything
+into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have received their first
+warning. Up in the trees and down in the fields the sounds of
+struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring, restless; labouring
+not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole insect world is
+astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads up from the
+turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and then
+collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards,
+and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the
+roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge,
+through their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring
+me straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them,
+and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction.
+It would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my
+brain positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last,
+light, buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping
+vacuum in my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to
+be hollowed out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry
+many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and
+put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands
+in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady
+had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my
+head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again:
+the very next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account
+for myself honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this
+rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to
+flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next
+him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he
+sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but
+the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten
+claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I
+felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing him. He did not
+recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn, and his face did not
+move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to
+read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to
+find one that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of
+hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my
+man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would
+demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or
+perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in
+which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as
+I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request.
+Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret,
+put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst
+the darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be
+difficult now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened
+my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of
+the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had
+down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand
+things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal.
+I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are
+capital. Little by little others come and fit themselves to the
+preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and
+pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in
+me; one word follows another, and they fit themselves together
+harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and
+speeches bubble up in my brain, and a wonderful sense of pleasure
+empowers me. I write as one possessed, and fill page after page,
+without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I
+miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough,
+although I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am
+full of my subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as
+there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of
+bed and dress myself. It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the
+lighthouse director's announcement down near the door, and near the
+window it is already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see
+to write. I set to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have
+written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read.
+My head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and
+I decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door,
+and could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like
+letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of
+it. It was also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common
+enough green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs
+too many on the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner
+was in reality a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest
+sense of humour, one might easily split one's sides with laughter at
+it. It was far too low for a grown man, and besides that, one needed,
+so to speak, the aid of a boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short,
+the room was not adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I
+did not intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I
+had held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and
+re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took
+out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars
+and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home
+bread. I rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white
+writing-paper. Then I ransacked every corner to assure myself that I
+had left nothing behind, and as I could not find anything, went over to
+the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from
+wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I
+stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a
+low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss
+Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly
+the thought of my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed
+of my leaving, so that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal
+with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in
+which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some
+time to come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five
+shillings. I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person
+her roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling
+of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside
+and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt
+and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to
+my yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was
+on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole
+noiselessly down each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no
+glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I
+went as usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was
+half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use
+in going to the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must
+lounge about so long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient
+to raise breakfast. For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed
+hungry that day; those times were over, God be praised! That was a
+thing of the past, an evil dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about
+right under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I
+went on I tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till
+later on. It occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it
+wrapped up in paper; not only would it look better, but I need no
+longer be ashamed of carrying it.
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took
+it; this annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly
+glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common
+in this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with
+the air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He
+held the door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept
+from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy
+crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the
+damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one,
+and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as
+near to them as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living
+to balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors"
+is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On
+being asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to
+suppose that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and
+impress upon his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's
+own hands as soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his
+papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I
+said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried
+their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the
+men looked limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me
+good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly.
+I never cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply,
+in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's
+such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only
+you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his
+cane to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to
+poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor
+I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher"
+embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he
+had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had
+asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a
+lady came by just then, I stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and
+seized the opportunity to proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on
+at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a
+good deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the office,
+took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near the
+Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it
+would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps
+mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security
+had I that it was not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper
+basket?... My confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the
+graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was
+only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor
+before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings;
+the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I
+could have written anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep,
+with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself
+and been happy all through the long morning for nothing!... Of
+course!... I rushed with hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St.
+Han's Hill, until I came to the open fields; on through the narrow
+quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste plots and small tilled fields, and
+found myself at last on a country road, the end of which I could not
+see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met
+two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads,
+and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I
+passed them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me,
+sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I
+got near enough, one of them called out and asked what I had under my
+arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they both
+laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a whip curl
+round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They couldn't let me
+pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my head more or
+less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and continued on my
+way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was past four.
+Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down to the
+town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had been
+there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled against
+folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there
+in time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds,
+and knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open,
+knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his
+face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me,
+shakes his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no
+hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in
+me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter,
+yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council
+in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay,
+triumphantly win ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I
+consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query
+that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where
+I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the
+tides rush and roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to
+the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down
+Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the
+window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the
+box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat
+once more, and begin to consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself
+till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it
+could never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this
+thought with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of
+the little red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find
+myself suddenly transported to a large, double room I once occupied in
+Haegdehaugen. I could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices
+of bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into
+beef--a seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty,
+a silver fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more
+tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I
+would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach
+food, my inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an
+idiosyncrasy of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There
+was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I
+had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was
+no degree of cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up
+in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine
+pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and
+no wind; the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I
+sat was cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and
+I let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by
+now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of
+the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several
+hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible
+to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand
+dumb with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I
+say nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save
+appearances I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten
+something or other, and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt
+as much saved as if I had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried
+away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it
+was horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by
+daylight; there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking
+about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me,
+whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly
+impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods.
+If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more
+and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself
+so long trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored
+with the whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest,
+to resign myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head.
+At a place in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some
+food was displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a
+round French roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal
+in the background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as
+I had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my
+tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it
+seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry.
+I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted
+with the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many
+times before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was
+slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I
+pulled off my shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from
+Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is
+never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it
+began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres
+above. Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and I laughed aloud to
+collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered about in the gloom, only
+to lay down once more. I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that
+it was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for
+town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog,
+my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if
+they could not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkökken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way
+to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food
+for me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and
+was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a
+change, as if something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a
+curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and,
+as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and
+bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did
+it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole
+thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this
+manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either
+how I had made myself deserving of this special persecution; and it
+suddenly entered my head that I might just as well turn rogue at once
+and go to my "Uncle's" with the blanket. I could pawn it for a
+shilling, and get three full meals, and so keep myself going until I
+thought of something else. 'Tis true I would have to swindle Hans
+Pauli. I was already on my way to the pawn-shop, but stopped outside
+the door, shook my head irresolutely, then turned back. The farther
+away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had
+conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure
+and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of
+having principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a
+muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had
+really never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be
+answerable for every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly
+with such a headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket,
+too, that belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the
+right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I
+importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my application?
+Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had
+not even applied personally to him or sought an answer! It did not
+follow, surely, that it must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious
+course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a
+little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to
+him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for
+my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of
+that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with
+spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel
+behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the
+little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of
+sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal
+with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with
+laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a
+want of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes
+in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I
+like your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could
+not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so
+much weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful
+folk on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his
+ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened
+by a blind rage that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally
+in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not
+come. Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of
+one's most earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too,
+had I written 1848? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here
+I was going about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me
+like worms, and it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of
+fate that anything in the shape of food would turn up later on in the
+day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their
+rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other
+men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which
+spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a
+watchful eye on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in
+accordance with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without
+a break in the measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range
+because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an
+unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I
+did not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation
+of the entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision
+as I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why
+should I stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of
+this bell which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her
+head and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful
+bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost
+politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was
+new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has
+advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to
+be irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living
+here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could
+not stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended
+the stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying
+that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower.
+So it had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say
+to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their
+food handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed the
+fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the
+door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any fixed
+purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On
+reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a little, I
+found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside
+the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner
+of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging
+one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop
+window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a
+scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated strangely in my
+temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I
+retched, stopping here and there to escape being noticed in the open
+street. In this manner I came up to Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the
+little gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the
+side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and
+reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him
+the truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me
+now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I
+had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of
+mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Café between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went.
+The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let
+go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I
+could well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by
+the way, I was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied
+it--it was a large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it
+carefully, and folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper,
+together with the tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road
+leading to the Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all
+who went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I
+saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and
+across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my
+breast as I caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a
+greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned
+his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and
+got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got
+it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took
+his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about
+such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were
+moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back.
+"Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was
+already a piece down the street, when he called after me about the
+little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it.
+There are only a few trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the
+world," and I became so touched at my own words, they sounded so
+pathetic in the twilight, that I fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I
+walked, down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with
+myself, and repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation,
+which called forth fresh tears whenever they were on the point of
+ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I
+spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways,
+and when any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops
+where people bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself
+a sheltered place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the
+bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must
+take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an
+endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain
+where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the
+church. I would not in any case worry myself any more about that, and I
+leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about
+the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure
+standing in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a
+policeman, though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little
+attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting
+home now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there
+were eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my
+tread. Down at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet
+everywhere. I could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child
+crying a little. After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted
+the latch as I was accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the
+door noiselessly after me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from
+the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note
+lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might
+never have been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written letters
+of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an
+answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the room again if I
+were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand,
+the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself
+up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the
+stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my
+time with the laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare
+vacantly before me, holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the street. I make straight
+for the light, lean my parcel against the lamp-post and open the
+letter. All this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of light, as it
+were, darts through my breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a
+meaningless sound of joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was
+accepted--had been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked out
+with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street,
+stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at
+nothing in particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But
+whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness
+closed in, and time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted
+all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed
+me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket,
+but not a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a seat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in
+the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading
+through the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering
+head the best thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At
+last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was
+still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds
+flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but
+not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out
+again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I
+selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion
+from--but I made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if
+it were filled with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement.
+The breeze blew it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked
+at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the
+sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick
+fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and
+gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the
+same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that
+he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and
+laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with
+rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog!
+Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's
+hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had
+made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on
+the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole
+night before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes
+quite close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white
+and so full as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum
+of silver money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very
+light; maybe an expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it
+carefully with his big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed,
+slapped my thighs, and laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued
+from my throat; my laughter was hushed and feverish to the intensity of
+tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a
+turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the
+poor policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated
+over and over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he
+coughed as he threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them
+additional point, changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and
+piquant. He coughed once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet
+overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The
+darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue
+sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see outlined against the
+sky, looked with their black hulls like voiceless monsters that
+bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no pain--my hunger had taken the
+edge off it. In its stead I felt pleasantly empty, untouched by
+everything around me, and glad not to be noticed by any one. I put my
+feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I could best appreciate the
+well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not
+a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a
+whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of
+utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a
+sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear
+me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits
+me, greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting
+in a dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses,
+and will stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call
+as I approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land!
+I have waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright
+nights. And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I
+have breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds of
+people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender
+maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all is of
+emerald; and here the sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills
+of perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment
+shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she
+whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room,
+where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman.
+There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling
+was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was
+quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow
+at being still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were
+soaked through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength;
+added to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger
+again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking
+off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little
+brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street;
+and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that
+would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished
+myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran
+on. But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired
+that I did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage;
+besides, my anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up
+and drew breath. Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect
+indifference to me what such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't
+stand everything. Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no
+better. And I found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to
+myself, "He knew no better"; and with that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on
+dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave
+me no rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy
+myself a little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this
+last period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of
+late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some
+manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time with difficulty; not
+long enough for me to be restored to health before a new hunger period
+set in and reduced me again. My back and shoulders caused me the worst
+trouble. I could stop the little gnawing I had in my chest by coughing
+hard, or bending well forward as I walked, but I had no remedy for back
+and shoulders. Whatever was the reason that things would not brighten
+up for me? Was I not just as much entitled to live as any one else? for
+example, as Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two
+shoulders like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I
+not, in sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden
+in order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten bread
+and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little, and starved
+when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a suite of rooms on
+the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a tinker's workshop, a
+loft already forsaken by God and man last winter, because the snow blew
+in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and
+went on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast
+at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye
+were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a café. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not
+even a little coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck
+my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried
+more violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse
+with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly
+home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys?
+Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a
+tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no
+one can open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by
+the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to
+myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask
+the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I
+had been out--in a café ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital
+idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could
+I simply go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with.
+I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and
+blurted it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for
+doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what
+was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but
+I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to
+every and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered
+my head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused
+no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the
+night guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands
+to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright
+cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and
+listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself
+anything better than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased.
+Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet
+over in the wall, I gave myself up to thinking over the minutes of my
+first interview with the police. This was the first time, and how
+hadn't I fooled them? "Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+_Morgenbladet_!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+_Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in the
+Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door-key and a pocket-book with
+a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up to the reserved
+section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I
+lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had
+no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence
+oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and
+tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The
+darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment
+in peace. Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one
+with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition
+has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I
+tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular
+fantasies, listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the
+exertion of striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom,
+and I never in all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no
+doubt that I found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness;
+a desperate element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The
+most ludicrous thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and
+try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach
+right into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not
+hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in
+the street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge
+from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and
+laugh: "That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a
+new word. I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have
+discovered it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign
+God, man, you have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound
+import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular
+jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new
+word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli;
+[Footnote: Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and
+who said that it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands
+fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it was to signify
+cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary
+that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It was not difficult to find a
+meaning for such a word as this. I would wait and see. In the meantime
+I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I
+wax nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and
+again, takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed
+an opinion as to what it should not signify, but had come to no
+conclusion as to what it should signify. "That is quite a matter of
+detail," I said aloud to myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated:
+"That is quite a matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised!
+and that was the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and
+hinder me from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for
+this unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my
+head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have meant
+anything like that I would have decided upon it long since and taken
+the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to signify
+something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it? and
+I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I
+answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found;
+no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh.
+Might I ask why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton,
+when I had a special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had
+discovered the word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within
+my right in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was
+aware, I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever,
+and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I
+got into bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to
+sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for
+some minutes without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk
+violently through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he
+thought to find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I
+wonder if he is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the
+pearly blue sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep?
+The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity
+which my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the
+most despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize
+this darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if
+I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to
+the sea and the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw
+me to them, and clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea,
+through dark realms that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board,
+drawn through waters, hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such
+a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I
+not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden
+frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will
+die!" and I lay for a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"...
+I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I
+was not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my
+brain that I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again,
+I stagger to the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a
+couple of times to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail
+loudly, bite my fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must
+be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore
+in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung
+myself flat on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed
+glimpse of light, sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window,
+and conducted myself like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly
+conscious of what I was doing. All my dejection had vanished; all
+despair and pain had ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far
+as my thought reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor,
+folded my hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But
+then I was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A
+homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter,
+ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet
+Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of
+red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I
+only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home!
+Might I not have the honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime
+Minister to bed? And in all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went
+over to the stretcher and lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the
+door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all
+haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through
+from last night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with
+fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and
+one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty
+repeated constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket?
+Don't forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as
+last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out
+rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well
+then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three
+long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I
+dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They
+would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover
+who I really was; they might arrest me for false pretences; and so,
+with elevated head, the carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust
+under my coat-tails, I stride out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the
+traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I
+slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try
+and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the
+bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put
+in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave
+small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded
+me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade
+me good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan
+of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could;
+besides that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be
+so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days,
+sir. You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps
+later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my
+room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was
+that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings!
+God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five
+shares in the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me laugh louder and
+louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth
+increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell of cooking
+there was here--a downright disgustingly strong smell of chops for
+dinner, phew! and I flung open the window to let out this beastly
+smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table--this miserable
+table that I was forced to support with my knees when I wrote--I bowed
+profoundly, and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's
+sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms
+are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate
+of beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses
+below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart
+as a child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to
+remember it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a
+chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had
+been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying
+on the table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old
+green blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months
+ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help
+me! He would certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at
+once. I put on my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it
+into my pocket, and hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I
+can help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office
+door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully
+out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as
+I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without
+looking up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had
+not once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice,
+and recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I,
+that he doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that
+is an order of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the
+day my celebrated story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him
+with work, rushed to his door nearly every day with unsuitable things
+that he was obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he
+wished to put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the
+road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Pauli Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in
+the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was
+a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get
+it just as sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the
+whole time, as I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would
+get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?"
+He had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be
+sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On
+the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood
+planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck
+one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and
+continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there?
+Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters
+that had come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who
+are sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm
+dinner from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in
+its place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with
+fatigue. The door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the
+attic. I take the letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli
+into a good humour on the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had
+such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his
+card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone
+home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple
+of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There
+was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any
+kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without
+coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or
+more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This
+numb feeling of drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some
+one come up the stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when
+he came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good
+Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up
+to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him,
+my child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again,
+"Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my
+voice whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that
+was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o!
+that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp
+impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for
+being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and
+stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for
+a bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was
+bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters
+with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams.
+An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose
+down over her wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of
+nice things, and I turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole
+quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to
+him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there....
+Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a
+rat, and did not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and
+left. I rose, too, and followed him, firmly determined to convince him
+of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I;
+and I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render
+him a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would
+be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in
+all haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and
+the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther
+away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of
+Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful strain. The
+flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through my blood; my
+nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and I fall back on
+the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones,
+and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above
+the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little
+tin plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all
+my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and
+she goes away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it
+would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little
+street wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give
+her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was
+in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished
+child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to
+let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts
+his way through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little
+girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand
+there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However
+could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself
+that it is lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking
+about me, towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is
+shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and
+stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up
+against the wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is
+lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were
+to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps
+it would be no use, though buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and
+examine them, and find them as good as new--that was a lucky idea all
+the same; I could cut them off with my penknife and take them to the
+pawn-office. The hope of being able to sell these five buttons cheered
+me immediately, and I cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My
+delight got the upper hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the
+buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed
+soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when
+you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons
+than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit
+of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well!
+But I must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you
+were obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in
+peace.... Yes, well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait
+here whilst you are out looking for him, and I won't steal anything
+from you. Well, good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen;
+have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of
+the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in
+my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked,
+and entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I
+again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his
+paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained
+about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for
+me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could
+I not see then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed
+to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather
+die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt
+once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office
+without having asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of
+my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so
+before? "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it
+really have entered your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him
+to inconvenience again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the
+effrontery of which I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the
+shabbiest thing I ever heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly
+tear the eyes out of his head just because you happen to need a
+shilling, you miserable dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big
+thumping lout; I'll teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself,
+left one street after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on
+with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle Street,
+when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with vexation at not
+being able to run any farther. I was trembling over my whole body, and
+I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and, in order to
+torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to keep
+standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though,
+even then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry;
+I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now
+I could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself,
+dealing out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and
+more moved, and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet,
+heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same
+place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children
+played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other
+side of the street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I
+stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made your
+voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From
+exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea.
+I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose
+by it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You
+are hungry; you have come on important business--the first thing
+needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a
+sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do
+you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting
+with the powers of darkness and great voiceless monsters at night, so
+that it is a horror to think of; you hunger and thirst for wine and
+milk, and don't get them. It has gone so far with you. Here you stand
+and haven't as much as a halfpenny to bless yourself with. But you
+believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you haven't yet lost your faith;
+and then you must clasp your hands together, and look a very Satan of a
+fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you
+hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now it's quite another
+thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few
+shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your
+head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I
+intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long
+walk? There I stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was
+such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a
+call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature
+didn't understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just
+for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the
+road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to
+feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour
+too late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches
+near the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for
+me now! I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last
+degree. I sat there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad,
+motionless, and starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most
+strangely and sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer.
+My jaws were tired of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply
+gave up. A brown orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which
+I had at once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the
+veins swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but
+keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a
+matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day earlier or
+one day later? If I had conducted myself like an ordinary being I
+should have gone home long ago, and laid myself down to rest, and given
+in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I was to die. It was in the
+time of the fall, and all things were hushed to sleep. I had tried
+every means, exhausted every resource of which I knew. I fondled this
+thought sentimentally, and each time I still hoped for a possible
+succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to
+die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake.
+The blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the
+heart. I arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in
+all my fibres, and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green
+blanket--the green blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case
+of fetching something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's
+workshop. Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go
+over to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely
+superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in me--half inward
+cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole
+of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell
+on the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters
+from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind
+the counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them
+in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and
+said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better
+on the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny
+on it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it
+might go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I
+took it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every
+trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my right
+mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit this
+rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more unreasonable it
+seemed to me. It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation
+in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard. Neither had I
+fallen straight into the trap. I had half felt that I was going the
+wrong road, and I expressly offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced
+greatly that I had not had the opportunity of carrying into effect this
+fault which would have sullied the last hours I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast,
+apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And
+time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not
+pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon
+enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put
+it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I
+did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the
+noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the
+air. I might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in
+trying; and besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to
+consider the matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in
+the direction of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up,
+dragging myself slowly to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It
+began to burn over my eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as
+fast as I could. Once more I passed the baker's shop where the little
+loaf lay. "Well, we must stop here!" I said, with affected decision.
+But supposing I were to go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that
+was a fleeting thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to
+me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and held
+on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway and talked
+together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her head out of a
+window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I looked as if I
+might be deep in meditation on nothing in particular, and the wench
+came out into the street. "How is the world treating you, old fellow?
+Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she
+drew away frightened. I pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face?
+Had I really begun to die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand;
+thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls;
+but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a standstill; I
+must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were
+sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very
+deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head
+that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists
+that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went
+and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania.
+Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day
+and night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of
+my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy
+prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should
+be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil
+take a worse hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without
+looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr
+myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails
+deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate
+clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many
+times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just
+going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked
+up." I looked after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors,
+nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my real condition--a man I
+knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad;
+he was right. I felt madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through
+my brain. So that was to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my
+wearisome, painful walk. There was the haven in which I was to find
+rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the
+wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to
+the guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark
+of light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I
+had not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly
+painstaking; would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round
+from house to house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I
+hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I
+stumbled on, and talked until I brought myself to weep with emotion.
+Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from on high? His name had struck me
+for no reason, and he lived so far away; but I would look him up all
+the same, go slowly, and rest between times. I knew the place well; I
+had been there often, when times were good had bought much music from
+him. Should I ask him for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel
+uncomfortable. I would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop,
+and asked for the chief. They showed me into his office; there he
+sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest style--running down some
+accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand.
+Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I
+could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking he
+turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had finished, he
+glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said, "No"; simply
+"no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in Vaterland? Something
+in my left side jerked a couple of times, and I broke out into a sweat.
+I said I was really awfully run down, and rather ill, worse luck. It
+would certainly be no longer than a few days when I could repay it. If
+he would be so kind?
+
+"My dear fellow, why do you come to me?" he queried; "you are a
+perfect stranger off the street to me; go to the paper where you
+are known."
+
+"But only for this evening," said I; "the office is already shut
+up, and I am very hungry."
+
+He shook his head persistently; kept on shaking it after I had
+seized the handle of the door. "Good-evening," I said. It was
+not any hint from on high, thought I, and I smiled bitterly. If
+it came to that, I could give as good a hint as that myself.
+I dragged on one block after the other; now and then I rested
+on a step. If only I could escape being locked up. The terror
+of that cell pursued me all the time; left me no peace. Whenever
+I caught sight of a policeman in my path I staggered into a side
+street to avoid meeting him. Now, then, we will count a hundred
+steps, and try our luck again! There must be a remedy sometime....
+
+It was a little yarn-shop--a place in which I had never before
+set foot; a solitary man behind the counter (there was an office
+beyond, with a china plate on the door) was arranging things on
+the shelves and counter. I waited till the last customer had left
+the shop--a young lady with dimples. How happy she looked! I was
+not backward in trying to make an impression with the pin holding
+my coat together. I turned, and my chest heaved.
+
+"Do you wish for anything?" queried the shopman.
+
+"Is the chief in?" I asked.
+
+"He is gone for a mountain tour in Jotunhejmen," he replied. Was
+it anything very particular, eh?
+
+"It concerns a couple of pence for food," I said, and I tried to
+smile. "I am hungry, and haven't a fraction."
+
+"Then you're just about as rich as I am," he remarked, and began
+to tidy some packages of wool.
+
+"Ah, don't turn me away--not now!" I said on the moment, with a
+cold feeling over my whole body. "I am really nearly dead with
+hunger; it is now many days since I have eaten anything."
+
+With perfect gravity, without saying a word, he began to turn his
+pockets inside out, one by one. Would I not believe him, upon his
+word? What?
+
+"Only a halfpenny," said I, "and you shall have a penny back in a
+couple of days."
+
+"My dear man, do you want me to steal out of the till?" he queried,
+impatiently.
+
+"Yes," said I. "Yes; take a halfpenny out of the till."
+
+"It won't be I that will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me
+tell you, at the same time, I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had
+turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had
+not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone
+all too far with me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect
+through so many hard hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the
+lowest form of begging. This one day had coarsened my whole mind,
+bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to
+stand and whine in the pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it
+availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the
+outer door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the
+guard-house again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body
+bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden
+the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible
+acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it
+was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours
+yet before the door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it
+no one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I
+had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help
+for it. Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how
+disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If
+all hope is over, why there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that
+matter, steal a handful of oats in the stable? A streak of light--a
+ray--yet I knew the stable was shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps,
+though, I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an
+hour. It was not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of
+water, either; my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt
+nausea at the spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the
+buttons at all yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile.
+Maybe there was a remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I
+should certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another
+some place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think that I
+could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of my pocket,
+and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I
+did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't I know exactly the big
+pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings, with my blood-sucking
+friend? One by one my possessions had vanished there--my little things
+from home--my last book. I liked to go there on auction days, to look
+on, and rejoice each time my books seemed likely to fall into good
+hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A
+diary, in which I had written my first small poetical attempt, had been
+bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a
+photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to
+grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle"
+is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid
+of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My voice
+sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my heart
+beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat
+on the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I
+had brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any
+use; something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are
+quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about
+the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he
+give me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought
+himself--quite according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and
+"Uncle" stares astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a
+cigar or whatever he liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I
+would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his
+desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much,
+yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This
+laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use
+trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go
+in with them; that was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off.
+Only a penny, or if he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters
+I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with
+his hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on
+my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade
+him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there
+was nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any
+price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do
+you look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched
+out my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well
+tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better
+you come in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing
+with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you
+hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and
+my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain
+of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I
+wrote with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor;
+and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately,
+without even re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper
+in order to open up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to
+Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of
+openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with
+me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches,
+particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I
+sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply
+because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If
+Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into
+the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like
+icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes
+and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas
+which might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened
+here and there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled
+at sentence after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon,
+one of my articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and
+happy, into my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was
+high time I made some arrangement towards getting a little money again;
+I had only a few pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an
+enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones
+and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this
+dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive
+rejected work, newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the
+28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of
+letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and
+lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks at me.
+Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when
+I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them.
+His face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I
+had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised
+the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is
+curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a
+habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look
+milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars
+wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes
+over me in the presence of this man. The tears are on the point of
+coming to my eyes, and I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I
+appreciated him, for all he had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt
+me; I was only a poor bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time
+of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat
+and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I
+stretch out my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us,"
+he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and
+write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that
+people understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to
+take up his time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,
+all the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his
+desk again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I
+made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something
+with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the
+"commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign
+without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once
+more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass
+her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same
+thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that
+she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the
+handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always
+in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and
+goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with
+curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling
+that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on the point
+of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any one, if she
+needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home.
+Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me
+something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.
+My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon
+me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize her sharply as I
+passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode in my breast,
+and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was
+not a long period; I had often been able to hold out for a couple of
+days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I
+could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day
+made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered all
+night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, lay blue
+with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy shivering, and
+grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep out the
+draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the sharp
+outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself
+alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I
+would try to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of
+hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on
+the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at
+which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of
+the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding
+my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides,
+with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my
+hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky
+stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight
+months, not the common food necessary to hold body and soul together
+for the space of one short week, before want stared me in the face
+again. Here I had, into the bargain, gone and kept straight and
+honourable all through my misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to
+the heart's core. God preserve me, what a fool I had been! And I
+commenced to tell myself how I had even gone about conscience-stricken
+because I had once brought Hans Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I
+laughed sarcastically at my delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in
+the street, and could not find words half strong enough to mock myself
+for my stupidity. Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment
+a schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch it
+up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole night
+through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much for
+nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park
+and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets
+were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet
+pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had
+commenced, the pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full
+swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats,
+one or two still short, sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate,
+panting breaths, and far down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling
+"Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion
+that thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the
+dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to
+affect me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling
+admissions, concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A
+number of cats are declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's
+doorway. And I did not possess even a florin! It was a misery, a
+wretchedness without parallel to be so impoverished. What humiliation,
+too; what disgrace! I began again to think about the poor widow's last
+mite, that I would have stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a
+beggar's wallet, that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more
+ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take
+to picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as
+they pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who
+fancy they are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if
+they tickle a sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank
+clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife;
+blowsy Molls, ready to fall down in the first doorway for a glass of
+beer! What sirens! The place at their side still warm from the last
+night's embrace of a watch-man or a stable-boy! The throne always
+vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I
+felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes.
+I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep
+my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a
+risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes;
+but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked
+to go along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see
+what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my
+arm, and said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called
+me a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got
+gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this
+unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now,
+Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and
+more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that
+I, too, was one of those who went about the street at night and ran
+after little girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps
+said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had
+done when one was actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many
+words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her those few paces, to see
+how far she would go on with it. For the rest, my name was
+So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, and sin no more!"
+With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps
+I had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life;
+save her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it
+when she came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death
+with thankful heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright,
+and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to
+face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might
+perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in
+my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring
+a candle. There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my
+writing materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened
+the door, and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I
+locked the door from the outside, and planted myself under the light.
+All around was quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a
+constable down in Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's
+Hill a dog barked. There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat
+collar up round my ears, and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop.
+But the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from
+the commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely
+to crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating
+climax. And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at
+this, the constable came and, planting himself a little distance away
+from me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+_Commandor_? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head
+above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space
+of an hour. The constable went his way. The cold began to get too
+intense for me to keep still. Disheartened and despondent over this
+abortive effort, I opened the door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set
+to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded
+by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not
+found an ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took
+aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my
+head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger
+on the floor, and then listened attentively, all without any object,
+but quietly and pensively as if it were some matter of importance in
+which I was engaged; and all the while I murmured aloud, time upon
+time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as
+before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself
+sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could.
+There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set
+myself resolutely to again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a
+score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try
+and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself
+to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet
+of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters that bristled up
+from the paper like small hairy creeping things, till at last I could
+neither make head nor tail of any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and
+tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables
+as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my
+lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest
+was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more
+together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm
+my fingers a little I stroked them through my hair backwards and
+forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts came away, flakes that got
+between my fingers, and scattered over the pillow. I did not think
+anything about it just then; it was as if it did not concern me. I had
+hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to shake myself out of this
+strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a mist. I sat up,
+struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest
+permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying
+helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At
+length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I
+shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled
+from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither
+was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I
+shook my head, went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it
+round the sore place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes
+filled with tears; I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger
+looked so utterly pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to
+now with me! The gloom grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that
+I might work up my finale through the course of the evening, if I only
+had a candle. My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as
+usual, and I did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so
+badly as some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next
+day. Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known in
+there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I used to
+buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the
+strength of my honest name; and for the first time for ages I took to
+brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed
+me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On
+no account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would
+never get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor"
+before he had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided
+upon the candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small
+parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The
+shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman,
+and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it
+over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are
+alone. He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my
+request over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count
+some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He
+gives me back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think
+about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth
+which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money
+mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare
+at these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take
+my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers
+strewn over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it
+is none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if
+it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that
+the shop-boy replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into
+my hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite
+of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in
+my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a
+little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates
+inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too
+strong for me--I entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared
+to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably
+well concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and
+then the waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright
+dishonesty was accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my
+earlier escapades were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and
+good! There was no help for it. For that matter, it was open to me to
+settle it with the shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion.
+It need not go any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon
+myself to live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no
+contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down
+into the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to
+get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread,
+and the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible
+that he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there.
+Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the
+table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark
+here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me
+at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains
+into her hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun,
+with the tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy
+yourself a farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way
+at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little
+towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and
+dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ...
+from me ... without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head.
+What a singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show
+myself too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected
+the depth of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to
+her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could
+not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a
+little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this
+nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and
+tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down
+furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last
+into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded with the water which
+gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I was seized with
+bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... I cursed the cruel
+powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted me so, consigned them to
+hell's damnation and eternal torments for their petty persecution.
+There was but little chivalry in fate, really little enough chivalry;
+one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had
+been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I
+said; he couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the
+man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for some
+boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it
+greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road
+home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I
+get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black
+again. The same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be
+no mistake about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth
+time. She is standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar
+that I involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in
+good working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by
+my last meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the
+point of entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes
+me. Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before;
+could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way,
+so earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself;
+it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She
+was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she
+stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed
+me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in
+my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass
+of wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had
+come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would
+scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that;
+but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was
+rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up
+Carl Johann after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet
+breath every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated
+in an ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a
+glimpse of a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom
+that curved out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty
+which I surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not
+endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers
+over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just
+for a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great
+fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed
+before twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little
+tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She
+lived up in St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her
+mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there
+anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I know that? She had
+gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli
+a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky
+is clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known
+at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a
+while longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have
+you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into
+that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled
+with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and
+lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest
+me in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that
+didn't know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair,
+and lie with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks
+of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in
+space; in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures
+hovering over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid
+this bored her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew,
+and crushed me. If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to
+have given her the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could
+not make out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself
+be accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was I
+walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at nothing?
+Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be worried into
+a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap it did not cost me
+an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go right into my heart at
+even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against us? Was not madness
+running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for many months at a
+stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even a little milk
+into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps
+be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go
+to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I
+said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now";
+and she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your
+name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your
+veil so that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home.
+Were you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted
+windows of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my
+head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned
+it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to
+me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had
+expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own
+desire. I walk on and look at her, and get more and more bold. She
+encourages me, draws me to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a
+moment my poverty, my humble position, my whole miserable condition. I
+feel my blood course madly through my whole body, as in the days before
+I caved in, and resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She
+puts the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the
+two ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just
+to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may
+just wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do
+not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me
+once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with
+me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that
+time too, more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain
+once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any
+farther with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door
+with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could
+there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me
+clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken
+down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured
+by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink
+into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and
+said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for
+a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my
+neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom
+heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out
+of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned
+and ran up the stairs without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain;
+great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was
+raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of
+confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the
+agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while
+awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced
+myself and kissed the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and
+procured a fresh cup of milk, and straight on top of that a plate of
+beef. I was no longer hungry, but my nerves were in a highly-strung
+condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on
+under my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called
+up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a
+designer, and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I
+haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare thought. "Supposing it
+was my _fiancée_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in
+the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer,
+drank it, and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but
+now you shall have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back
+the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately
+to my head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed
+me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday!
+Supposing she were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ...
+get suspicious of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the
+money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon
+me in all its details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean
+hands as I seized the money, and I pictured to myself the line of
+action the police would adopt when they would come to arrest me. Irons
+on my hands and feet; no, only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand.
+The dock, the clerk taking down the evidence, the scratch of his
+pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the occasion--his look, his
+threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally
+dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I
+had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if
+it should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me
+no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced
+that I had been happier before, during the period in which I had
+suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with
+the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as
+drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake
+woman who was sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the
+elephant. I might even yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from
+being too late; I would show the whole world that I was capable of
+doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it
+in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted
+something, clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I
+spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a
+delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole
+matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret
+anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and shuddering time
+upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled
+against such a low action. God be praised, I had raised myself in my
+own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I said to myself, looking
+across the thronged market-place--"only just do as I have done!" I had
+gladdened a poor old cake vendor to such good purpose that she was
+perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children wouldn't go hungry to
+bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections and considered that I
+had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was
+out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with
+me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it
+was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my
+shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something
+astounding, to set the whole town in a ferment. All up through
+Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my
+ears, and intoxication ran riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go
+and tell my age to a commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed
+a word to me; to take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his
+face, and leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished
+every nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying the
+expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of tokens and
+signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at Parliament Place. I
+stand all at once stock-still, and look at the droskes; the drivers are
+wandering about, chatting and laughing. The horses hang their heads and
+cower in the bitter weather. "Go ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig
+with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to the first vehicle, and got in.
+"Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times
+into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too,
+grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had
+attracted his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She
+looks at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no
+effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the
+person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a
+bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran
+downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver.
+He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove
+on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is
+a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the
+driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was
+right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him
+that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just as he described
+him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see
+such a man without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I said, "Ha, ha! I suppose
+no one has ever yet seen the man without a knobbed stick in his hand,
+of that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they
+touched the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69.
+This number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like
+a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched
+under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and
+commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my
+brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to
+influences over which I have no control. I begin to laugh, silently,
+passionately, without a trace of cause, still merry and intoxicated
+from the couple of glasses of ale I have drunk. Little by little my
+excitement abates, my calm returns more and more to me. I feel the cold
+in my sore finger, and I stick it down inside my collar to warm it a
+little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy.
+I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come
+to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a
+sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on
+top of the other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted
+sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I
+hear voices and the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor,
+the sound of an iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment
+as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of
+being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who
+has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I
+believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had
+vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which
+came and went in turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a
+reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid
+and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great
+moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I
+sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much
+astonishment. I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find
+it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity
+had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become
+so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once
+had been; my shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had
+contracted a habit of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order
+to spare my chest what little I could. I had examined my body a few
+days ago, one noon up in my room, and I had stood and cried over it the
+whole time. I had worn the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite
+stiff with stale sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and
+water ran out of the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very
+tiresome to have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had
+no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it,
+dried it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for
+it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the
+whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from
+feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end
+now, I would heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation,
+I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the
+way I passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the
+right." Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former
+room in Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the
+door, the lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the
+baker's new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than
+now; one night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't
+write anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes,
+I would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in her
+hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy and I
+stand face to face alone for the second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did
+this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I
+got furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain
+fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of
+five shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently,
+and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to
+use force if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from
+one foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make
+signs to hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered
+my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that
+was opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious
+as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in
+any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I
+stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of
+being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me.
+Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The
+devil take you!' Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room,
+into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in
+my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high
+horse, and sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by
+the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake
+of his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five
+shillings that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of
+his fear, had tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with
+every loud word that I had roared out. And the master himself had
+perhaps been sitting inside the inner room, almost within an ace of
+feeling called upon to come out and inquire what was the row. No, there
+was no longer any limit to the low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would
+not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would
+have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for
+one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me
+only this once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might
+die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a
+little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the
+morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten
+her the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so
+faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so
+blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy
+light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows
+stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely
+and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of
+rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and earth in conflagration men
+and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a
+wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in brazen ignition, a smoking,
+smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body
+bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I
+had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in
+amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely
+failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my
+legs, was struck with astonishment that the window was where it was,
+and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses'
+feet in the yard below as if it came from above me. I felt rather sick,
+too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my
+elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches.
+My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me
+no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a
+little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my
+balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much,
+and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad.
+On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It did not strike me just
+then that anything could be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that
+the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be
+sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which
+grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast;
+carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of
+diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed
+for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a
+little more, then lay quite still for a moment's space, and then began
+afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty
+spaces everywhere after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to
+the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome;
+at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market
+and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and
+I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice
+the place I was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the
+noise around me was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear
+it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly
+as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me,
+and the wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little
+quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one
+foot pained me, a couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it
+were, curled up in my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have
+been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't
+think any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed
+to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and
+saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side;
+it was not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they
+were; he looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I
+had begged him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given
+it to me. He would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him
+in return, wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed
+my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got
+dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and
+sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and
+took to chewing it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and
+unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. I could hear a group of
+little children playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive
+sort of way, some pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the
+steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I
+called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a threatening
+backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up there, and boldly
+addressed the first butcher I met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said;
+"only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him
+something to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of
+the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and
+stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no
+light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I
+began to gnaw at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced
+to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it
+down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a
+matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew
+wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down
+by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as
+the little fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came
+again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from
+sheer helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that
+the bone got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned
+again, cried as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned
+all the powers that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the
+most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with
+gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy
+me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it
+avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the
+most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven;
+yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers like claws, with
+ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you
+did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire
+of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed
+me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, because you did not
+know your time of visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and
+yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the
+face--I tell you, I would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman
+in your mansions! I tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for
+your divine paltriness; and I choose the abyss of destruction for a
+perpetual resort, where the devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you
+have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots
+from here below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at
+their hour of death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and
+you know not, you omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition!
+I tell you, all my life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul,
+gasps to mock you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would,
+if I could, breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf,
+every dewdrop in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day
+of doom, and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your
+Deity's boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce
+all thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell
+you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and
+reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and
+turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the
+violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied
+outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and
+whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear voices--a conversation
+between two men who are coming down the passage. I slink away from the
+door, drag myself along the walls of the houses, and come out again
+into the light streets. As I jog along Young's Hill my brain begins to
+work in a most peculiar direction. It occurs to me that the wretched
+hovels down at the corner of the market-place, the stores for loose
+materials, the old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a
+disgrace to the place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market,
+and were a blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned
+over in my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had always
+attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps not be
+possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or three hundred
+pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must admit, a tidy
+enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a start with,
+eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy enough bit of
+pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling over my whole
+body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I had a
+feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I
+would, for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the
+street to die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous.
+My sore foot throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was
+creeping up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any
+particular distress. I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a
+lame man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped
+him instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun
+had sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under
+the man's nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had
+been smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the
+air; it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, reckoned
+in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again.
+"You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of
+tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made
+no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye
+on me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or
+another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look
+following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn
+round, and, dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at
+him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It
+was as if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I
+stare for a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog
+along again to the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable,
+he only keeps his gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat.
+It seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against
+a house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther
+from the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake
+his compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would
+have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor"
+tweaks his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to
+the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands
+me half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to
+death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is
+shameful of me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor"
+at last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but
+could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near
+tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave
+up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when
+after all I did muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he
+was already at too great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly
+and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me
+half-a-sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood,
+imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened
+eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the
+top of my voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in
+my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour,
+for it had grown very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough,
+outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for
+a moment and wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second
+time, right into the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here
+I asked for shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter
+everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets,
+golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented
+streets and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a
+turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of
+No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about the whole time in a
+state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would happen? What should I
+say when she came down the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I
+concluded to let it rest with the smile. Of course I would bow
+profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the
+clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the
+way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late,
+and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore,
+otherwise nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a
+long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come.
+Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I
+waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had
+my first meeting with her only existed in imagination the night I lay
+in delirium? I began in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all
+sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide
+staircase before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my
+hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little
+quickly after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way,
+that you would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too,
+so I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us
+had seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the
+door the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had
+perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave
+me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of
+mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall
+certainly not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led
+me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could
+very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a
+lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a
+little laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so ashamed, but I will never
+do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss
+you again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to
+her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table.
+We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right
+between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize
+hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took
+off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements.
+I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot
+refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door;
+you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's
+it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and
+do everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for
+example, you might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair;
+you could easily have thought of that much out of your own head,
+couldn't you? But if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as
+wide as if you couldn't believe what was being said. Yes, it is really
+true; I have noticed it several times; you are doing it now, too; but
+you needn't try to persuade me that you are always so modest; it is
+only when you don't dare to be otherwise than quiet. You were daring
+enough the day you were tipsy--when you followed me straight home and
+worried me with your witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you
+are quite certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment
+in it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most
+extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I
+never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no,
+perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love
+with you, and it is so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is
+naturally not an atom of a chance for me.... What is your name? Now,
+you really must tell me what you are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that again!
+I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes, that is
+to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like
+that? It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated
+herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with
+her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a
+little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap
+better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and
+you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that
+state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with
+you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you
+would not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't
+even think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of
+her head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a
+little on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could
+feel her breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when
+I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if
+you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be
+from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for
+otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm
+around her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being
+so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and
+seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away
+from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and
+looked out through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too
+wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any
+one in particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her
+during the time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in
+my old, well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and
+I felt fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub
+you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving
+a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I
+flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the
+girl out of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha!
+Then I would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was
+backward on that score. The creature was possessed by the devil
+himself! If it were only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against
+my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both
+hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down
+my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair
+there is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I
+won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed
+that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already should lose
+your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way you really
+spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do
+you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide
+anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you
+are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she
+had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself
+worthy of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person
+almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up
+to date on my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related
+truth. I made out nothing any worse than it was; it was not my
+intention to rouse her compassion. I told her also that I had stolen
+five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining
+eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to
+disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a
+thing happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up
+to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was
+I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental
+in causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of
+me if I had made myself out to be a _roué_?... No nonsense now;... it
+was just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of
+going at it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naïve. I could have
+fallen down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on
+the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very
+ill at ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing
+she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to
+put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the
+fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had shown me the
+door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly
+standing over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to
+come of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her
+out that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost
+to me, and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a
+weighty, cutting word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a
+little. And in the face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of
+being proud and cold, disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk
+of trifles. The telling word would not come; I conducted myself in an
+exceedingly aimless fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me
+plainly and straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not?
+There was no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding
+me that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and I
+won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that she had
+been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she had thought
+about; I understood that at once. It did not require much to put me on
+the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her jacket, and
+left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said before, I
+had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was at the
+root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come
+over to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened
+certain powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I
+assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its
+advantages. It helped me in certain situations in life. The poor
+intelligent man is a far nicer observer than the rich intelligent man.
+The poor man looks about him at every step he takes, listens
+suspiciously to every word he hears from the people he meets, every
+step he takes affords in this way a task for his thoughts and
+feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is
+an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that
+I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the
+same. At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her
+in rude enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched
+by her heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my
+hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might
+answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I
+don't even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell
+me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't
+get in your way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once,
+as if you didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so
+thoroughly bare, made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time
+before; but, indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it
+over, that nothing is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give
+me your hand--or give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you
+any harm; I will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down
+on the floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am
+not to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on the
+carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at your feet;
+but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your eyes that you
+got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't move a step when I
+asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as I stand now when
+I point out the place to you where I would have knelt before you, over
+there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even point with my
+finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten you. I only
+nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly well which
+rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me,
+and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the
+heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I
+did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I
+often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food
+all the same, because I forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything;
+you don't answer; you don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand
+and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did
+she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she
+had tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her
+mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a
+sacrifice as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite
+of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for
+a little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold,
+and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was
+forcing herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to
+the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy,
+dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the
+whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the
+streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound,
+the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the harness of the
+droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything,
+sounded choked and jangling through the close air, that penetrated and
+muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In
+this way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to
+writing again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together
+that satisfied me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very
+painstaking, and strove early and late; no matter what I attempted, it
+was useless. Good fortune had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat
+and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the
+first evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got.
+All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in
+getting together an article on some subject or another, so that I could
+pay for my room, and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I
+worked on so persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from
+which I expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound
+thought upon which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to
+the "Commandor" in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had
+helped a talent this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually
+see that; it only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and
+why shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter with
+me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread and butter,
+mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer
+used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I could stare down into
+the street from my window on the second floor without getting giddy. I
+was much better in every way, and it was becoming a matter of
+astonishment to me that I had not already finished my allegory. I
+couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on
+this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me
+to look over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she
+said; it didn't agree with her own book; but she had not been able to
+find out the mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at
+me. I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the
+total right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I
+looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed
+at the same time that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention,
+and yet I did not stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this little
+huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I tried
+honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but couldn't
+succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for some minutes
+I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to dance about in my
+head; I could no longer distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole
+thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop at the following entry--"3.
+5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My brain failed me completely; I
+stared stupidly down at the cheese, and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you
+can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to
+give it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was
+as if something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the
+impression that I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and
+muttered a number aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down
+the reckoning as if I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and
+waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash
+of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never
+heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed
+to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to
+some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly
+revised. She said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel
+ashamed, but thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the
+door, she said, without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned
+back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a
+little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks
+yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to
+keep things going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging
+on credit, more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you
+about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall
+have your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me
+some time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter
+of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day.
+I have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day
+or hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair.
+No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no
+salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a
+complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a piece of
+Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my senses when I
+could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not I, into the
+bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the reckoning, made the
+lucid observation that my landlady was in the family way? I had no
+reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything about it, neither
+had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it with my own eyes,
+and I understood it at once, right at a despairing moment where I sat
+and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade.
+Some children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed
+children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle
+between them and screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly
+by; it must belong to some dislodged family, forced to change residence
+between "flitting time." [Footnote: In Norway, 14th of March and
+October.] This struck me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped
+on the float, moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs
+with three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her nose--sat
+up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little blue hands in
+order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of frightfully stained
+mattresses, that children must have lain on, and looked down at the
+urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window
+and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the
+kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and
+I listened to hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that
+an idiot could not have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and
+begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them;
+he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are
+saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children crowded
+together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did they
+expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones,
+cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse themselves
+with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and unspeakably
+wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes continued to revile
+one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't
+breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the
+cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him,
+he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that
+you are! To think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I
+will, may the Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street
+with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the
+arm and tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as
+if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising;
+this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any
+longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call
+twice, just to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call
+very loudly, and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me.
+She regains her self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay,
+downright maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to
+her offspring. She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to
+him, "Fie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how
+naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen;
+I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my
+own thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was
+impossible that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How
+could there, in this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have
+been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no
+end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this
+tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything
+as accurately as you do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To
+my mind it is not without its humorous side, if I am any judge of such
+a case. Why, it happens to every man that he once in a way sticks fast,
+and that, too, just with the simplest question. It is of no
+significance, it is often a pure accident. As I have remarked before, I
+am on the point of having a good laugh at your expense. As far as that
+huckster account is concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of
+beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!--a cheese with
+cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the
+matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous
+cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the
+world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to
+finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable,
+said I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in
+good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level
+head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth
+rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I
+laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too,
+as if I only needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy
+rapture, without a care on any side, to get my head into working order
+once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without
+getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point,
+that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I
+was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this
+thought. It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human
+brains; and I intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these
+burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my
+landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the
+room, she did not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep
+downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there
+too." And before she got my answer, she began, without further
+ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the table, and put the whole
+of them into a state of dire confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room.
+And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller
+already on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on
+the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest
+on his shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the
+night; he would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period.
+Perhaps, too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have
+one of my moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes,
+and my essay on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should
+have to submit to fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on
+the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and
+prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's
+father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down
+over his hands as if his chest or stomach pained him. His hair was
+almost white, and he looked in his crouching position like a
+poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said
+to the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened
+to come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have
+something in hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much
+as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down
+stairs, was occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to
+the house. She had put herself in connection with quay-porters and
+dock-men, to whom she paid a certain sum for every new lodger they
+brought her, and she often gave them, in addition, a shelter for the
+night. This time it was "Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the
+new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A
+while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she
+intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that I could lie
+in here together with the others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa,
+as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she fussed about the room and
+busied herself with different things that she set in order, and she
+never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it
+appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for
+another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not
+to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way!" and then
+held my tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to
+give people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told
+you that before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor
+of the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how
+he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take
+his first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was
+staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my
+room was lost to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to
+get anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was
+quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new
+idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The
+Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had
+especially thought out everything in connection with the principal
+characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who had sinned in the
+temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate against heaven;
+sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the altar-cloth under her
+head, just out of delicious contempt for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on.
+She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was
+exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and
+repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her
+long limbs should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took.
+She was also to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing
+for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested
+me in her was her wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure
+of calculated sin which she had committed. She really occupied me too
+much, my brain was absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of
+a creature, and I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama.
+When I had finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with
+much effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold
+and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the last
+half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the children
+inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case, have written
+any more just then. So I took a long time up over Drammensveien, and
+stayed away till the evening, pondering incessantly, as I walked along,
+as to how I would continue my drama. Before I came home in the evening
+of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street,
+almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this
+shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did
+not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were
+far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of people talking
+together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing of what was said.
+Then a voice greeted me loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked
+at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with
+that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if
+I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if
+to console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand
+there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a
+mean trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want
+to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen
+wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right
+from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the
+bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps
+me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up
+to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman
+at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I
+would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have
+given this toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps
+this red dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And
+at bottom what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the
+dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and
+talked, and tried to make good his mistake again. I did not listen to
+him at all; I stood the whole time and stared at the red dress that was
+coming nearer up the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a
+gliding delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the two--the lady and the man
+with her,--raised his hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously. The red dress
+glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial
+souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being
+going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first
+she answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who
+neither feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might
+not have the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by
+the Lord, not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with
+her to her door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety,
+otherwise he could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they
+went along, hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar
+Atterdag, and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was
+obliged to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like,"
+he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow;
+well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with
+all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise
+my hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly
+not; she was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she
+had fallen off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might
+easily have been the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not
+in the least astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir
+in her. But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and
+salute, like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously
+besmirched of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The
+day might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight into
+my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It might very
+easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I knew myself
+aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during the course of
+the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have brought this
+young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with all her
+charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live
+by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the
+Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with
+that, why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days'
+time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more
+of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp.
+It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go
+to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely
+to be able to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward
+my request very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a
+dissatisfied face on my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had
+almost completed a remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were
+wanting; and I hinted that it might be produced in some theatre or
+another, in no time. If she would only just render me this great
+service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve
+o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself
+a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that
+right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside
+with us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at
+all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and
+thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here,
+in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently
+at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a
+whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little
+girls came in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had
+scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out
+of them and trickled down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others
+sat at a table and played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as
+ever, and sat and sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not
+write anything in the midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled
+herself no more about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked
+me if I had been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile
+towards me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account. Even
+the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big fringe over
+her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at me in the
+evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She inquired
+perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as she had never
+seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was clear that she was
+aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a pleasure in letting me
+know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers
+into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me.
+I look at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are
+not yet fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me?
+Even supposing I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her
+in any way? She had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when
+I was a bit awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a
+nail and tore my coat. It was not later than yesterday that she
+gathered up my rough copy, that I had thrown aside in the
+ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments of my drama, and read them
+aloud in the room here; made fun of them in every one's hearing, just
+to amuse herself at my expense. I had never molested her in any way,
+and could not recall that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On
+the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in
+order not to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too,
+because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I
+washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been run
+over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them. "God
+bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as wide
+as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then I
+couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident
+malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man
+over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this
+diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I
+looked on at this for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old
+fellow did not move a finger to defend himself; he only looked at his
+tormentors with furious eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his
+head to escape when the straws were already in his ears. I got more and
+more irritated at this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it.
+The father looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he
+also drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children aside
+with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear
+of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I
+stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should
+I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose
+into the family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a
+half-dying old man, and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a
+flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that
+the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes
+and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said
+nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part
+of his body a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls,
+drew himself up again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I
+stood and looked on, saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table
+at which he sat, and sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed,
+and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly
+did not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled
+over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep
+your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve
+you best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled
+with scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack
+of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be
+quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open
+house and food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and
+the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any
+more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats
+there, and wipe your noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I
+never saw the like of such people. Here they walk in out of the street,
+without even a penny to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in
+the middle of the night and quarrel with the people who own the house,
+I don't mean to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you
+can go your way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to
+have peace in my own quarters, I am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it
+would surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and
+what word after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter
+outside, and far advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to
+strike a blow, and show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I
+sat still and made no attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed
+at keeping silent, never felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown
+the door. I stared coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung
+in an oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the
+landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them.
+"If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's
+the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick
+enough who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and
+spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant.
+"Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to
+go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my
+part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular
+green hair on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green
+grass, or expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a
+perfectly correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of
+fleeting ideas darts at this moment through my head. From green grass
+to the text, Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to
+the Day of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour
+down to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just
+like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on the
+right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head during
+the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust me from her
+door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now,
+out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key
+in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the
+rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out
+into the streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while
+ago took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I
+did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended
+that I had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I
+tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place.
+For the time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out
+tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only
+living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to
+extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached
+Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and still
+sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and very hungry,
+I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had
+lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my landlady had given me
+morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four hours since I had had my
+last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at me again; I must seek a help
+for it right quickly. With this thought I fell asleep again upon the
+seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every
+one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped
+myself on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice
+sounded so wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself
+to tears with it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in
+light, had far too mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud
+weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A
+large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her
+name, _Copégoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch
+what took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost
+discharged; she lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all
+the ballast she had already taken in, and there was a hollow boom
+through the whole ship whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck
+with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy,
+merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run
+lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes
+of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped
+over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration
+to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this
+oration, upon which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge
+my words, the bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways,
+and the ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with
+the atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to
+envelop my drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there
+in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single
+quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was
+no other way open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in
+Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I told myself all the
+while that it would not do. I went ahead all the same, and approached
+nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I
+admitted to myself that it was degrading--downright degrading, but
+there was no help for it. I was not in the least proud; I dared make
+the assertion roundly, that I was one of the least arrogant beings up
+to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter
+what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done,
+what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a
+matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I
+should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even
+whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost
+turned round at the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At
+the worst I could excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye,
+to make a proper adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt
+to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a
+sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to
+me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and
+my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to think over what
+his conscience should dictate to him. A little row reached me from the
+room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and
+totally indifferent to me what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit
+thinking about it? Keep quiet now! "Thus dictate I and my own
+conscience...." But everything conspired against me. Outside in the
+street, something was taking place that disturbed me. A little lad sat
+and amused himself in the sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He
+was happy and in fear of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot
+of paper streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and
+begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and
+catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is
+leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down
+on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five minutes
+passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little lad's
+tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that
+the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong.
+Was there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them
+anew, and solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright
+lengthy pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating
+desire to set to work again darted through my breast--the desire to
+finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor,
+and entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to
+hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his
+things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on
+a chair near the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out
+on my knees. Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon
+retort stood ready in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled
+one page after the other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled
+softly in ecstasy over my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of
+myself. The only sound I heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a
+church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All
+was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the
+stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt,
+timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger.
+I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen.
+I cannot write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below
+enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the
+landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther;
+the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait
+for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil
+does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst
+abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought
+myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the
+stranger man who followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod
+close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my anger increased with
+every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether
+I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely
+blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression
+that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A
+commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no
+notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do
+not turn round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and
+stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and
+unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look
+at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to
+me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face.
+I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was
+examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one
+might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word, not to
+mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect calmness, a
+large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face of one's
+persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with dignity. That
+was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the
+street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed
+vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I
+could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the
+cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it, so I remained
+standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my senses. My insane
+anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and
+stamped on the pavement. I also tried several other things to try and
+regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, wrinkled my brows, and rolled
+my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My thoughts grew more lucid.
+It was clear to me that I was about to succumb. I stretched out my
+hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street still danced
+wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my
+very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant effort not to
+sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would die
+standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying,
+and I swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with
+the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in
+the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father,
+Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and
+forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed
+her, she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of
+sheer good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought
+me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly
+over this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I
+grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with
+hoarse voice, and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than
+yesterday, had decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat
+her with the greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused
+her compassion, and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would
+never be an end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I
+maintain a decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every
+way I turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To accept
+half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back to the
+secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance offered, and
+keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of one's intense inner
+aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go
+back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use.
+There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert
+myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case,
+great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must
+consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and
+find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider
+the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps
+meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might
+and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and
+re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no
+obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything
+that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I
+tried to persuade myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I
+lied right royally to myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on,
+as if I had no need to seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly;
+only just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast
+rather strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of
+the Middle Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil
+between my teeth, jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each
+page in two, fling my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am
+lost! I whisper to myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no
+more than these few words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my
+hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing
+in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I
+lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a
+long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out
+his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a
+little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling
+any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort of any kind,
+I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market, turned round at
+the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's
+Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of indifference whether I
+returned the half-sovereign or not? When once I received it, it was
+mine; and there was evidently no want where it came from. Besides, I
+was obliged to take it when it was sent expressly to me; there could be
+no object in letting the messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to
+send it back--a whole half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there
+was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign
+still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It
+would hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so?
+Always ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my
+head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the
+street again. Even when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good
+warm lodging. No; I must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and
+show I wasn't the man to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right
+and left, and go my way.... I took myself sharply to task for having
+left my lodging and brought myself into the most distressful
+circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort
+of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I
+knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the
+money, therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put
+it plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now
+and then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even
+fatally in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this
+notion. There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt
+anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce
+battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit
+thus and look out into space, a figure becomes little by little clear
+to my fixed stare. At last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and
+I recognize it. It is that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near
+the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit
+half-upright on the seat, and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite
+correct--the same woman before the same table on the same spot! I
+whistle a few times and snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make
+for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if
+it was the wages of sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of
+silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of
+too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my
+words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers,
+this pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not
+say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind,
+I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal
+with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a
+contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the
+money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to
+think over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the
+outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the
+table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of
+clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and
+gives me to understand that she had not expected me to return to rob
+her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of,
+without that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look
+at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen
+money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think
+that either. Well, that at least was a good thing--really a good thing.
+It was, if I might so say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me
+an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness.
+Always when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my
+head and said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it
+never happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in
+this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford
+it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be
+expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of
+procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps
+never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at
+that now! In that case, she could of course have no opinion on the
+subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole
+stand, because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I
+had no intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the
+value of the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to
+trouble her again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was
+the sort of creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes
+towards me, four or five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible
+price she could think of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled
+still with her, persisted that she had at least cheated me to the
+extent of a shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices.
+"Do you know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I;
+"God help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth, begged
+me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The
+whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my
+cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness,
+repeated to myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed
+to me that I had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving
+her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over
+to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter
+how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no
+help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little
+cake that I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it
+aside, in fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little
+lad who played with the paper streamers. I thought of him
+continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped and swore. He had
+turned round towards the window when the man spat down on him, and he
+had just looked up to see if I was laughing at him. God knows if I
+should meet him now, even if I went down that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly
+by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some
+scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had
+amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had
+been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering
+in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid
+the cake down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and
+hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the
+first thing he will do when he comes out will be to find it. And my
+eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding
+the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my
+head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of
+those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk
+farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my
+hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and more confused.
+I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer.
+I just sit there and stare at the _Copégoro_, the barque flying the
+Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the
+port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I
+had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me,
+so I stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and
+strode on deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to.
+Where are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to
+me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to
+a little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really
+do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of
+chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can
+take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me
+good, and I could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to
+the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all
+the homes.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Posting Date: October 2, 2014 [EBook #8387]
+Release Date: June, 2005
+First Posted: July 6, 2003
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerloef in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantic movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJOeRKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It
+was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the
+stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old
+numbers of the _Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice
+from the Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an
+inflated advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to
+think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat
+hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken
+to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had
+kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had
+favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from
+some newspaper or other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements
+near the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of
+"winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That
+occupied me for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I
+got up and put on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a
+view of a clothes-line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins
+of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I
+leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open
+space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of
+the year, when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us.
+The ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room,
+the floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it,
+seemed like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening
+to the door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night
+to dry them a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert
+myself with was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in
+the evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned
+up through the floor and from out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_
+near the door was rent in strips a span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail
+me aught. The frequent repulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I
+could not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There
+was always something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist
+in the Fire Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some
+half-hundred men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength
+and bravery, whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the
+applicants, felt their arms, and put one question or another to them.
+Me, he passed by, merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on
+account of my sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there
+with knitted brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man
+passed me by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than
+all, I could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a
+respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards
+or parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers,
+I had thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous
+subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain;
+in despair I had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long
+hours of intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was
+finished I set to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the
+editors' "no." I used to tell myself constantly that some day I was
+bound to succeed; and really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and
+made a hit with something, I could get five shillings for an
+afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I
+stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract my
+landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had fallen
+due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the
+pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous
+traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and
+more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely
+take a morning walk in the open air. What had the air to do with my
+lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A
+sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took
+possession of me. I fell to observing the people I met and who passed
+me, to reading the placards on the wall, noted even the impression of a
+glance thrown at me from a passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each
+trifling incident that crossed or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense
+of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became
+ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner.
+As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front
+of her head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last
+few days that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The
+long yellow snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum,
+and her gaze was still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I
+immediately lost all appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me.
+When I reached the market-place I went to the fountain and drank a
+little. I looked up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself
+about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a
+side street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go,
+wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to
+and fro amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright
+and my mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried
+a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength
+in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted
+from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his
+bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in
+Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he
+in such a hurry? I had not the slightest intention of asking him for a
+shilling, and, more than that, I intended at the very first opportunity
+to return him a blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden
+to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article
+I felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to
+draw from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable
+place to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my
+article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead
+of me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in
+front of me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless;
+perhaps he had made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I
+had, and I must needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my
+irritation it seemed to me that he slackened his pace a little at every
+cross street, as if waiting to see which direction I intended to take,
+upon which he would again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with
+all his might to keep ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome
+creature and get more and more exasperated with him, I am conscious
+that he has, little by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the
+pure, beautiful morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks
+like a great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a
+place in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we
+reached the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an opportunity
+of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some minutes, I again
+walked on there was the man still in front of me--he too had stood
+stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or four furious
+onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For
+milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know
+how much you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some minutes
+and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the
+waistcoat on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to
+be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he
+standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined
+the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did
+the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not
+as good as begun to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I
+had no fear whatever for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What
+on earth business was it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a
+drink on such a lovely day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my
+mind to give him a good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back
+my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at
+a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came
+to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed
+me back the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him,
+told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for
+nothing? If all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had
+just recollected an old debt; he was standing before an honest man,
+honourable to his finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no
+thanks were needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I
+could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped
+before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and
+I decided to go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on
+to the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a
+square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me
+that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could
+no longer be satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple
+and straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might
+arrive at, ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much
+greater effort than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome
+difficulties, and I decided on a treatise, in three sections, on
+"Philosophical Cognition." This would, naturally, give me an
+opportunity of crushing pitiably some of Kant's sophistries ... but, on
+taking out my writing materials to commence work, I discovered that I
+no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My
+pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me
+today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of
+turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near
+the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators;
+otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a
+thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a
+maniac. How strangely awry things seemed to go! To think that an
+article in three sections should be downright stranded by the simple
+fact of my not having a pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I
+were to return to Pyle Street and ask to get my pencil back? There
+would be still time to get a good piece finished before the promenading
+public commenced to fill the parks. So much, too, depended on this
+treatise on "Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings'
+welfare, no one could say; and I told myself it might be of the
+greatest possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I
+would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I
+would only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I
+came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in
+the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day;
+it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant
+hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my
+pencil from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I
+passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I
+looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and,
+becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe
+at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking
+thought of her own. Or can it be because I touched her arm? Her high,
+full bosom heaves violently several times, and she closes her hand
+tightly above the handle of her parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil
+incident, and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on
+a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically
+inspired, take a singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd
+desire to make this lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some
+way. I overtake her again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet
+her face-to-face in order to observe her well. I stand and gaze into
+her eyes, and hit, on the spur of the moment, on a name which I have
+never heard before--a name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When
+she is quite close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly
+as I said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to
+stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired
+with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me.
+I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing
+the fool. I made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and
+coughed frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very
+slowly, and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back,
+and involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her
+annoyance. By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far,
+far away in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not
+I who was going along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already
+stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and
+repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it
+is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity
+in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a
+book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her
+hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts
+her sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what
+book it is I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one,
+now another expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the
+very buttons on her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened
+eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm.
+"He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without
+my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street
+towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a
+very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window
+opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with
+her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on the outside.
+Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted.
+Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were
+suddenly surrounded by a strong light. The ladies before me had each a
+blue bird's wing in their hats, and a plaid silk ribbon round their
+necks. It struck me that they were sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I
+stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they
+had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street
+and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their
+heels as I dared to be. They turned round once, and sent me a
+half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw no resentment nor any
+trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me
+lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer
+gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them
+until they entered some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before
+going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened
+for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor.
+I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then
+something odd happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second
+after a window opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes
+dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots
+and strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We
+stand and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a
+minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word
+is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock
+through my senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears
+across the floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the
+accentuation in that movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My
+blood was sensible of all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all
+at once rarely glad. Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window.
+The more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I
+became. Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely
+all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are
+being watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well
+as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my
+gait became unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look
+well. In order to appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms
+about, spat out, and threw my head well back--all without avail, for I
+continually felt the pursuing eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran
+down my back. At length I escaped down a side street, from which I took
+the road to Pyle Street to get my pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets.
+I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with
+him, and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable
+impression on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back
+again to the counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that
+I owed him an explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little.
+I began to hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the
+pencil in my hand, I held it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any
+and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different
+matter; there was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it
+looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the
+world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come
+right over to the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he
+never heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost
+as much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort
+of man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the
+door with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in
+a high position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed
+twice profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I
+heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I
+recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door
+with his knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began
+to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann
+Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself
+look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances who had
+taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to gaze at the
+passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads,
+and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no
+sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not
+even a clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy
+souls. And I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and
+newly-fledged as I was, had already forgotten the very look of
+happiness. I hugged these thoughts to myself as I went on, and found
+that a great injustice had been done me. Why had the last months
+pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed to recognize my own happy
+temperament, and I met with the most singular annoyances from all
+quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or set my foot any
+place without being assailed by insignificant accidents, miserable
+details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered my
+powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and
+occupy me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me?
+But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against
+a man in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more
+and more incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected
+as an experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it,
+a peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans
+in order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat
+and sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me
+from thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began
+I could so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had
+become, as it were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I
+would go. A swarm of tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner
+man and hollowed me out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I
+had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual
+way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was
+oversated, and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The
+people who came and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At
+last my seat was taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk
+loudly together. I got angry and was on the point of addressing them,
+but turned on my heel and went right to the other end of the Park, and
+found another seat. I sat down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a
+place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but
+imploring enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any
+length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my
+head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no
+longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that
+my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and
+more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to
+draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing
+obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight
+mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven
+and told Him so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked
+quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore
+should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may
+array this miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my
+Heavenly Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the
+housetop, and hath He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly
+servitor? The Lord stuck His finger in the net of my nerves
+gently--yea, verily, in desultory fashion--and brought slight disorder
+among the threads. And then the Lord withdrew His finger, and there
+were fibres and delicate root-like filaments adhering to the finger,
+and they were the nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a
+gaping hole after the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my
+brain in the track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His
+finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall
+me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of all
+Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allee. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing
+materials to try to write something, and at the same time my book of
+shaving-tickets [Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as
+few men in Norway shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened
+it, and counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks,
+and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a better frame
+of mind on account of this little property which still remained to me.
+I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the book safely into my
+pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me;
+my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself
+together enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder;
+to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend.
+They are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on
+to, set their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or
+stand immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my
+legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet
+notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new
+impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head
+is so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought
+without tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down
+my breast and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot
+makes each time my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet,
+and I experience at this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I
+have never felt before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves,
+as if sparks of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching
+sight of my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a
+part of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a
+feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising towards me.
+"Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched my fists and I
+repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this ridiculous feeling,
+made fun of myself, with a perfect consciousness of doing so, talked
+very severely and sensibly, and closed my eyes very tightly to get rid
+of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their
+looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and
+their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give
+them expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own
+nature had gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost
+of my other I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour.
+A little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted
+phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period,
+maybe a year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my
+memory. I began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an
+old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which
+something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused,
+and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea
+entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of
+its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began to move backwards and
+forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds, dangerous documents
+stolen from some archive or other; something floated before me about a
+secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper
+as every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species
+of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting
+his package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he
+did not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life
+there was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit.
+Just the fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious
+affair distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for
+something to offer the man in order to enter into conversation with
+him, took hold of my shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it
+entered my head to be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty
+breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it
+long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read
+either, not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on
+me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did not
+need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he
+could hear people in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arriere pensee_, and I
+answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What
+number do you live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing
+up, at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is
+your landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of
+the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name
+which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and
+pretended to have heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was
+not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he
+was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man
+is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would
+not have roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down
+from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one
+lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and
+stop his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics
+to be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to
+see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in
+Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister
+of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the
+same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed
+the whole thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his
+daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves,
+and who reclined on a couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest
+creature I had ever seen; I had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her
+match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent
+air, as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a
+kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right
+into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he
+imagine she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was
+simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored
+me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter
+seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or
+other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper
+lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to
+examine it or see what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories
+of my own which floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The
+blood flew to my head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own
+much property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name
+I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every
+huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a
+syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the
+instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against
+this creature whom nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render
+suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all
+that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature
+... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might
+perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently
+and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he
+feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even
+believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your
+match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you?
+Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking
+to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my
+Sunday-best without even a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me
+tell you such treatment as yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and
+I won't endure it, the Lord strike me dead if I will--neither from you
+nor any one else, do you know that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from
+off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short,
+tottering steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink
+at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression
+came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more
+vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the
+creature before he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly
+in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the
+parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was
+calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under
+quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and
+began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten
+cause me any longer any particular distress. I leant against the back
+of the seat in the best of humours, closed my eyes, and got more and
+more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the point of falling asleep, when
+a park-keeper put his hand on my shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way
+or another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to
+me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were
+written by people all too little known to be of much use; besides that,
+constant refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me.
+At all events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the
+rest would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and
+I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only
+now one single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put
+words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long
+piece, without the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write
+this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a
+workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter
+about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me downcast,
+sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to hush everything
+into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have received their first
+warning. Up in the trees and down in the fields the sounds of
+struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring, restless; labouring
+not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole insect world is
+astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads up from the
+turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and then
+collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards,
+and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the
+roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge,
+through their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring
+me straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them,
+and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction.
+It would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my
+brain positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last,
+light, buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping
+vacuum in my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to
+be hollowed out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry
+many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and
+put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands
+in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady
+had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my
+head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again:
+the very next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account
+for myself honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this
+rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to
+flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next
+him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he
+sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but
+the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten
+claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I
+felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing him. He did not
+recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn, and his face did not
+move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to
+read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to
+find one that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of
+hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my
+man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would
+demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or
+perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in
+which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as
+I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request.
+Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret,
+put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst
+the darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be
+difficult now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened
+my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of
+the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had
+down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand
+things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal.
+I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are
+capital. Little by little others come and fit themselves to the
+preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and
+pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in
+me; one word follows another, and they fit themselves together
+harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and
+speeches bubble up in my brain, and a wonderful sense of pleasure
+empowers me. I write as one possessed, and fill page after page,
+without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I
+miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough,
+although I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am
+full of my subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as
+there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of
+bed and dress myself. It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the
+lighthouse director's announcement down near the door, and near the
+window it is already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see
+to write. I set to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have
+written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read.
+My head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and
+I decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door,
+and could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like
+letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of
+it. It was also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common
+enough green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs
+too many on the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner
+was in reality a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest
+sense of humour, one might easily split one's sides with laughter at
+it. It was far too low for a grown man, and besides that, one needed,
+so to speak, the aid of a boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short,
+the room was not adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I
+did not intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I
+had held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and
+re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took
+out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars
+and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home
+bread. I rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white
+writing-paper. Then I ransacked every corner to assure myself that I
+had left nothing behind, and as I could not find anything, went over to
+the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from
+wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I
+stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a
+low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss
+Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly
+the thought of my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed
+of my leaving, so that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal
+with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in
+which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some
+time to come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five
+shillings. I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person
+her roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling
+of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside
+and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt
+and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to
+my yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was
+on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole
+noiselessly down each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no
+glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I
+went as usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was
+half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use
+in going to the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must
+lounge about so long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient
+to raise breakfast. For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed
+hungry that day; those times were over, God be praised! That was a
+thing of the past, an evil dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about
+right under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I
+went on I tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till
+later on. It occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it
+wrapped up in paper; not only would it look better, but I need no
+longer be ashamed of carrying it.
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took
+it; this annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly
+glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common
+in this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with
+the air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He
+held the door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept
+from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy
+crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the
+damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one,
+and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as
+near to them as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living
+to balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors"
+is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On
+being asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to
+suppose that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and
+impress upon his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's
+own hands as soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his
+papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I
+said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried
+their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the
+men looked limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me
+good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly.
+I never cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply,
+in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's
+such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only
+you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his
+cane to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to
+poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor
+I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher"
+embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he
+had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had
+asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a
+lady came by just then, I stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and
+seized the opportunity to proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on
+at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a
+good deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the office,
+took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near the
+Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it
+would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps
+mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security
+had I that it was not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper
+basket?... My confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the
+graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was
+only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor
+before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings;
+the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I
+could have written anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep,
+with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself
+and been happy all through the long morning for nothing!... Of
+course!... I rushed with hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St.
+Han's Hill, until I came to the open fields; on through the narrow
+quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste plots and small tilled fields, and
+found myself at last on a country road, the end of which I could not
+see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met
+two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads,
+and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I
+passed them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me,
+sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I
+got near enough, one of them called out and asked what I had under my
+arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they both
+laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a whip curl
+round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They couldn't let me
+pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my head more or
+less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and continued on my
+way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was past four.
+Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down to the
+town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had been
+there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled against
+folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there
+in time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds,
+and knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open,
+knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his
+face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me,
+shakes his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no
+hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in
+me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter,
+yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council
+in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay,
+triumphantly win ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I
+consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query
+that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where
+I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the
+tides rush and roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to
+the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down
+Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the
+window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the
+box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat
+once more, and begin to consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself
+till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it
+could never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this
+thought with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of
+the little red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find
+myself suddenly transported to a large, double room I once occupied in
+Haegdehaugen. I could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices
+of bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into
+beef--a seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty,
+a silver fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more
+tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I
+would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach
+food, my inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an
+idiosyncrasy of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There
+was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I
+had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was
+no degree of cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up
+in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine
+pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and
+no wind; the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I
+sat was cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and
+I let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by
+now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of
+the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several
+hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible
+to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand
+dumb with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I
+say nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save
+appearances I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten
+something or other, and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt
+as much saved as if I had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried
+away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it
+was horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by
+daylight; there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking
+about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me,
+whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly
+impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods.
+If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more
+and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself
+so long trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored
+with the whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest,
+to resign myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head.
+At a place in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some
+food was displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a
+round French roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal
+in the background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as
+I had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my
+tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it
+seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry.
+I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted
+with the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many
+times before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was
+slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I
+pulled off my shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from
+Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is
+never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it
+began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres
+above. Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and I laughed aloud to
+collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered about in the gloom, only
+to lay down once more. I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that
+it was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for
+town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog,
+my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if
+they could not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkoekken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way
+to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food
+for me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and
+was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a
+change, as if something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a
+curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and,
+as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and
+bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did
+it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole
+thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this
+manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either
+how I had made myself deserving of this special persecution; and it
+suddenly entered my head that I might just as well turn rogue at once
+and go to my "Uncle's" with the blanket. I could pawn it for a
+shilling, and get three full meals, and so keep myself going until I
+thought of something else. 'Tis true I would have to swindle Hans
+Pauli. I was already on my way to the pawn-shop, but stopped outside
+the door, shook my head irresolutely, then turned back. The farther
+away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had
+conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure
+and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of
+having principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a
+muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had
+really never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be
+answerable for every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly
+with such a headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket,
+too, that belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the
+right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I
+importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my application?
+Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had
+not even applied personally to him or sought an answer! It did not
+follow, surely, that it must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious
+course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a
+little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to
+him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for
+my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of
+that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with
+spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel
+behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the
+little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of
+sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal
+with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with
+laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a
+want of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes
+in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I
+like your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could
+not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so
+much weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful
+folk on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his
+ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened
+by a blind rage that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally
+in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not
+come. Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of
+one's most earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too,
+had I written 1848? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here
+I was going about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me
+like worms, and it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of
+fate that anything in the shape of food would turn up later on in the
+day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their
+rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other
+men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which
+spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a
+watchful eye on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in
+accordance with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without
+a break in the measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range
+because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an
+unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I
+did not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation
+of the entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision
+as I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why
+should I stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of
+this bell which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her
+head and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful
+bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost
+politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was
+new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has
+advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to
+be irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living
+here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could
+not stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended
+the stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying
+that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower.
+So it had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say
+to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their
+food handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Moeller Street, and sniffed the
+fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the
+door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any fixed
+purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On
+reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a little, I
+found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside
+the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner
+of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging
+one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop
+window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a
+scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated strangely in my
+temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I
+retched, stopping here and there to escape being noticed in the open
+street. In this manner I came up to Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the
+little gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the
+side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and
+reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him
+the truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me
+now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I
+had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of
+mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Cafe between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went.
+The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let
+go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I
+could well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by
+the way, I was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied
+it--it was a large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it
+carefully, and folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper,
+together with the tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road
+leading to the Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+cafe, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all
+who went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I
+saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and
+across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my
+breast as I caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a
+greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned
+his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and
+got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got
+it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took
+his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about
+such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were
+moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back.
+"Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was
+already a piece down the street, when he called after me about the
+little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it.
+There are only a few trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the
+world," and I became so touched at my own words, they sounded so
+pathetic in the twilight, that I fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I
+walked, down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with
+myself, and repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation,
+which called forth fresh tears whenever they were on the point of
+ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I
+spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways,
+and when any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops
+where people bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself
+a sheltered place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the
+bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must
+take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an
+endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain
+where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the
+church. I would not in any case worry myself any more about that, and I
+leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about
+the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure
+standing in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a
+policeman, though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little
+attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting
+home now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there
+were eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my
+tread. Down at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet
+everywhere. I could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child
+crying a little. After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted
+the latch as I was accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the
+door noiselessly after me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from
+the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note
+lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might
+never have been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written letters
+of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an
+answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the room again if I
+were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand,
+the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself
+up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the
+stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my
+time with the laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare
+vacantly before me, holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the street. I make straight
+for the light, lean my parcel against the lamp-post and open the
+letter. All this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of light, as it
+were, darts through my breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a
+meaningless sound of joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was
+accepted--had been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked out
+with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street,
+stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at
+nothing in particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But
+whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness
+closed in, and time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted
+all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed
+me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket,
+but not a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a seat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in
+the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading
+through the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering
+head the best thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At
+last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was
+still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds
+flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but
+not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out
+again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I
+selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion
+from--but I made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if
+it were filled with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement.
+The breeze blew it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked
+at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the
+sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick
+fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and
+gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the
+same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that
+he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and
+laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with
+rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog!
+Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's
+hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had
+made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on
+the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole
+night before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes
+quite close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white
+and so full as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum
+of silver money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very
+light; maybe an expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it
+carefully with his big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed,
+slapped my thighs, and laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued
+from my throat; my laughter was hushed and feverish to the intensity of
+tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a
+turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the
+poor policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated
+over and over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he
+coughed as he threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them
+additional point, changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and
+piquant. He coughed once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet
+overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The
+darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue
+sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see outlined against the
+sky, looked with their black hulls like voiceless monsters that
+bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no pain--my hunger had taken the
+edge off it. In its stead I felt pleasantly empty, untouched by
+everything around me, and glad not to be noticed by any one. I put my
+feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I could best appreciate the
+well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not
+a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a
+whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of
+utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a
+sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear
+me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits
+me, greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting
+in a dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses,
+and will stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call
+as I approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land!
+I have waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright
+nights. And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I
+have breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds of
+people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender
+maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all is of
+emerald; and here the sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills
+of perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment
+shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she
+whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room,
+where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman.
+There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling
+was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was
+quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow
+at being still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were
+soaked through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength;
+added to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger
+again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking
+off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little
+brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street;
+and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that
+would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished
+myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran
+on. But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired
+that I did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage;
+besides, my anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up
+and drew breath. Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect
+indifference to me what such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't
+stand everything. Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no
+better. And I found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to
+myself, "He knew no better"; and with that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on
+dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave
+me no rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy
+myself a little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this
+last period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of
+late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some
+manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time with difficulty; not
+long enough for me to be restored to health before a new hunger period
+set in and reduced me again. My back and shoulders caused me the worst
+trouble. I could stop the little gnawing I had in my chest by coughing
+hard, or bending well forward as I walked, but I had no remedy for back
+and shoulders. Whatever was the reason that things would not brighten
+up for me? Was I not just as much entitled to live as any one else? for
+example, as Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two
+shoulders like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I
+not, in sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Moellergaden
+in order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten bread
+and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little, and starved
+when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a suite of rooms on
+the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a tinker's workshop, a
+loft already forsaken by God and man last winter, because the snow blew
+in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and
+went on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast
+at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye
+were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a cafe. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not
+even a little coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck
+my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried
+more violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse
+with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly
+home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys?
+Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a
+tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no
+one can open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by
+the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to
+myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask
+the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I
+had been out--in a cafe ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital
+idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could
+I simply go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with.
+I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and
+blurted it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for
+doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what
+was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but
+I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to
+every and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered
+my head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused
+no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the
+night guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands
+to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright
+cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and
+listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself
+anything better than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased.
+Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet
+over in the wall, I gave myself up to thinking over the minutes of my
+first interview with the police. This was the first time, and how
+hadn't I fooled them? "Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+_Morgenbladet_!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+_Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in the
+Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door-key and a pocket-book with
+a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up to the reserved
+section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I
+lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had
+no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence
+oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and
+tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The
+darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment
+in peace. Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one
+with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition
+has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I
+tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular
+fantasies, listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the
+exertion of striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom,
+and I never in all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no
+doubt that I found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness;
+a desperate element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The
+most ludicrous thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and
+try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach
+right into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not
+hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in
+the street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge
+from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and
+laugh: "That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a
+new word. I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have
+discovered it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign
+God, man, you have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound
+import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular
+jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new
+word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli;
+[Footnote: Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and
+who said that it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands
+fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it was to signify
+cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary
+that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It was not difficult to find a
+meaning for such a word as this. I would wait and see. In the meantime
+I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I
+wax nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and
+again, takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed
+an opinion as to what it should not signify, but had come to no
+conclusion as to what it should signify. "That is quite a matter of
+detail," I said aloud to myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated:
+"That is quite a matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised!
+and that was the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and
+hinder me from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for
+this unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my
+head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have meant
+anything like that I would have decided upon it long since and taken
+the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to signify
+something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it? and
+I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I
+answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found;
+no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh.
+Might I ask why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton,
+when I had a special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had
+discovered the word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within
+my right in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was
+aware, I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever,
+and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I
+got into bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to
+sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for
+some minutes without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk
+violently through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he
+thought to find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I
+wonder if he is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the
+pearly blue sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep?
+The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity
+which my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the
+most despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize
+this darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if
+I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to
+the sea and the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw
+me to them, and clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea,
+through dark realms that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board,
+drawn through waters, hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such
+a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I
+not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden
+frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will
+die!" and I lay for a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"...
+I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I
+was not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my
+brain that I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again,
+I stagger to the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a
+couple of times to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail
+loudly, bite my fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must
+be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore
+in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung
+myself flat on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed
+glimpse of light, sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window,
+and conducted myself like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly
+conscious of what I was doing. All my dejection had vanished; all
+despair and pain had ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far
+as my thought reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor,
+folded my hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But
+then I was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A
+homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter,
+ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet
+Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of
+red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I
+only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home!
+Might I not have the honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime
+Minister to bed? And in all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went
+over to the stretcher and lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the
+door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all
+haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through
+from last night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with
+fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and
+one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty
+repeated constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket?
+Don't forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as
+last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out
+rather late, worse luck ... cafe ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well
+then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three
+long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I
+dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They
+would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover
+who I really was; they might arrest me for false pretences; and so,
+with elevated head, the carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust
+under my coat-tails, I stride out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the
+traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I
+slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try
+and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the
+bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put
+in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave
+small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded
+me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade
+me good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan
+of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could;
+besides that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be
+so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days,
+sir. You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps
+later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my
+room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was
+that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings!
+God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five
+shares in the Dampkoekken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me laugh louder and
+louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth
+increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell of cooking
+there was here--a downright disgustingly strong smell of chops for
+dinner, phew! and I flung open the window to let out this beastly
+smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table--this miserable
+table that I was forced to support with my knees when I wrote--I bowed
+profoundly, and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's
+sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms
+are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate
+of beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses
+below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart
+as a child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to
+remember it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a
+chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had
+been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying
+on the table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old
+green blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months
+ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help
+me! He would certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at
+once. I put on my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it
+into my pocket, and hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I
+can help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office
+door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully
+out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as
+I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without
+looking up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had
+not once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice,
+and recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I,
+that he doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that
+is an order of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the
+day my celebrated story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him
+with work, rushed to his door nearly every day with unsuitable things
+that he was obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he
+wished to put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the
+road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Pauli Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in
+the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was
+a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get
+it just as sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the
+whole time, as I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would
+get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?"
+He had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be
+sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On
+the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood
+planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck
+one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and
+continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there?
+Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters
+that had come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who
+are sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm
+dinner from the Dampkoekken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in
+its place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with
+fatigue. The door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the
+attic. I take the letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli
+into a good humour on the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had
+such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his
+card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone
+home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple
+of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There
+was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any
+kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without
+coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or
+more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This
+numb feeling of drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some
+one come up the stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when
+he came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good
+Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up
+to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him,
+my child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again,
+"Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my
+voice whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that
+was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o!
+that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp
+impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for
+being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and
+stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for
+a bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was
+bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters
+with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams.
+An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose
+down over her wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of
+nice things, and I turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole
+quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to
+him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there....
+Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a
+rat, and did not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and
+left. I rose, too, and followed him, firmly determined to convince him
+of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I;
+and I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render
+him a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would
+be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in
+all haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and
+the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther
+away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of
+Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful strain. The
+flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through my blood; my
+nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and I fall back on
+the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones,
+and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above
+the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little
+tin plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all
+my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and
+she goes away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it
+would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little
+street wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give
+her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was
+in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished
+child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to
+let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts
+his way through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little
+girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand
+there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However
+could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself
+that it is lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking
+about me, towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is
+shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and
+stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up
+against the wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is
+lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were
+to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps
+it would be no use, though buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and
+examine them, and find them as good as new--that was a lucky idea all
+the same; I could cut them off with my penknife and take them to the
+pawn-office. The hope of being able to sell these five buttons cheered
+me immediately, and I cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My
+delight got the upper hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the
+buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed
+soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when
+you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons
+than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit
+of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well!
+But I must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you
+were obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in
+peace.... Yes, well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait
+here whilst you are out looking for him, and I won't steal anything
+from you. Well, good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen;
+have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of
+the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in
+my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked,
+and entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I
+again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his
+paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained
+about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for
+me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could
+I not see then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed
+to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather
+die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt
+once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office
+without having asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of
+my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so
+before? "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it
+really have entered your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him
+to inconvenience again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the
+effrontery of which I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the
+shabbiest thing I ever heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly
+tear the eyes out of his head just because you happen to need a
+shilling, you miserable dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big
+thumping lout; I'll teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself,
+left one street after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on
+with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle Street,
+when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with vexation at not
+being able to run any farther. I was trembling over my whole body, and
+I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and, in order to
+torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to keep
+standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though,
+even then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry;
+I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now
+I could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself,
+dealing out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and
+more moved, and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet,
+heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same
+place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children
+played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other
+side of the street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I
+stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made your
+voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From
+exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea.
+I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose
+by it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You
+are hungry; you have come on important business--the first thing
+needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a
+sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do
+you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting
+with the powers of darkness and great voiceless monsters at night, so
+that it is a horror to think of; you hunger and thirst for wine and
+milk, and don't get them. It has gone so far with you. Here you stand
+and haven't as much as a halfpenny to bless yourself with. But you
+believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you haven't yet lost your faith;
+and then you must clasp your hands together, and look a very Satan of a
+fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you
+hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now it's quite another
+thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few
+shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your
+head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I
+intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long
+walk? There I stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was
+such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a
+call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature
+didn't understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just
+for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the
+road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to
+feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour
+too late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches
+near the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for
+me now! I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last
+degree. I sat there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad,
+motionless, and starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most
+strangely and sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer.
+My jaws were tired of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply
+gave up. A brown orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which
+I had at once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the
+veins swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but
+keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a
+matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day earlier or
+one day later? If I had conducted myself like an ordinary being I
+should have gone home long ago, and laid myself down to rest, and given
+in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I was to die. It was in the
+time of the fall, and all things were hushed to sleep. I had tried
+every means, exhausted every resource of which I knew. I fondled this
+thought sentimentally, and each time I still hoped for a possible
+succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to
+die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake.
+The blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the
+heart. I arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in
+all my fibres, and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green
+blanket--the green blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case
+of fetching something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's
+workshop. Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go
+over to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely
+superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in me--half inward
+cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole
+of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell
+on the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters
+from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind
+the counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them
+in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and
+said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better
+on the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny
+on it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it
+might go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I
+took it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every
+trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my right
+mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit this
+rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more unreasonable it
+seemed to me. It must have been an attack of weakness; some relaxation
+in my inner self that had surprised me when off my guard. Neither had I
+fallen straight into the trap. I had half felt that I was going the
+wrong road, and I expressly offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced
+greatly that I had not had the opportunity of carrying into effect this
+fault which would have sullied the last hours I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast,
+apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And
+time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not
+pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon
+enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put
+it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I
+did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the
+noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the
+air. I might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in
+trying; and besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to
+consider the matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in
+the direction of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up,
+dragging myself slowly to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It
+began to burn over my eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as
+fast as I could. Once more I passed the baker's shop where the little
+loaf lay. "Well, we must stop here!" I said, with affected decision.
+But supposing I were to go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that
+was a fleeting thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to
+me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and held
+on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway and talked
+together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her head out of a
+window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I looked as if I
+might be deep in meditation on nothing in particular, and the wench
+came out into the street. "How is the world treating you, old fellow?
+Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she
+drew away frightened. I pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face?
+Had I really begun to die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand;
+thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls;
+but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a standstill; I
+must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were
+sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very
+deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head
+that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists
+that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went
+and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania.
+Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day
+and night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of
+my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy
+prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should
+be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil
+take a worse hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without
+looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr
+myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails
+deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate
+clearly, and laughed insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many
+times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just
+going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked
+up." I looked after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors,
+nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my real condition--a man I
+knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad;
+he was right. I felt madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through
+my brain. So that was to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my
+wearisome, painful walk. There was the haven in which I was to find
+rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the
+wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to
+the guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark
+of light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I
+had not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly
+painstaking; would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round
+from house to house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I
+hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I
+stumbled on, and talked until I brought myself to weep with emotion.
+Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from on high? His name had struck me
+for no reason, and he lived so far away; but I would look him up all
+the same, go slowly, and rest between times. I knew the place well; I
+had been there often, when times were good had bought much music from
+him. Should I ask him for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel
+uncomfortable. I would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop,
+and asked for the chief. They showed me into his office; there he
+sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest style--running down some
+accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand.
+Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I
+could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking he
+turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had finished, he
+glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said, "No"; simply
+"no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in Vaterland? Something
+in my left side jerked a couple of times, and I broke out into a sweat.
+I said I was really awfully run down, and rather ill, worse luck. It
+would certainly be no longer than a few days when I could repay it. If
+he would be so kind?
+
+"My dear fellow, why do you come to me?" he queried; "you are a
+perfect stranger off the street to me; go to the paper where you
+are known."
+
+"But only for this evening," said I; "the office is already shut
+up, and I am very hungry."
+
+He shook his head persistently; kept on shaking it after I had
+seized the handle of the door. "Good-evening," I said. It was
+not any hint from on high, thought I, and I smiled bitterly. If
+it came to that, I could give as good a hint as that myself.
+I dragged on one block after the other; now and then I rested
+on a step. If only I could escape being locked up. The terror
+of that cell pursued me all the time; left me no peace. Whenever
+I caught sight of a policeman in my path I staggered into a side
+street to avoid meeting him. Now, then, we will count a hundred
+steps, and try our luck again! There must be a remedy sometime....
+
+It was a little yarn-shop--a place in which I had never before
+set foot; a solitary man behind the counter (there was an office
+beyond, with a china plate on the door) was arranging things on
+the shelves and counter. I waited till the last customer had left
+the shop--a young lady with dimples. How happy she looked! I was
+not backward in trying to make an impression with the pin holding
+my coat together. I turned, and my chest heaved.
+
+"Do you wish for anything?" queried the shopman.
+
+"Is the chief in?" I asked.
+
+"He is gone for a mountain tour in Jotunhejmen," he replied. Was
+it anything very particular, eh?
+
+"It concerns a couple of pence for food," I said, and I tried to
+smile. "I am hungry, and haven't a fraction."
+
+"Then you're just about as rich as I am," he remarked, and began
+to tidy some packages of wool.
+
+"Ah, don't turn me away--not now!" I said on the moment, with a
+cold feeling over my whole body. "I am really nearly dead with
+hunger; it is now many days since I have eaten anything."
+
+With perfect gravity, without saying a word, he began to turn his
+pockets inside out, one by one. Would I not believe him, upon his
+word? What?
+
+"Only a halfpenny," said I, "and you shall have a penny back in a
+couple of days."
+
+"My dear man, do you want me to steal out of the till?" he queried,
+impatiently.
+
+"Yes," said I. "Yes; take a halfpenny out of the till."
+
+"It won't be I that will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me
+tell you, at the same time, I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had
+turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had
+not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone
+all too far with me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect
+through so many hard hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the
+lowest form of begging. This one day had coarsened my whole mind,
+bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to
+stand and whine in the pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it
+availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the
+outer door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the
+guard-house again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body
+bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden
+the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible
+acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it
+was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours
+yet before the door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it
+no one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I
+had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help
+for it. Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how
+disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If
+all hope is over, why there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that
+matter, steal a handful of oats in the stable? A streak of light--a
+ray--yet I knew the stable was shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps,
+though, I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an
+hour. It was not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of
+water, either; my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt
+nausea at the spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the
+buttons at all yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile.
+Maybe there was a remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I
+should certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another
+some place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think that I
+could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of my pocket,
+and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I
+did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't I know exactly the big
+pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings, with my blood-sucking
+friend? One by one my possessions had vanished there--my little things
+from home--my last book. I liked to go there on auction days, to look
+on, and rejoice each time my books seemed likely to fall into good
+hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A
+diary, in which I had written my first small poetical attempt, had been
+bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a
+photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to
+grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle"
+is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid
+of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My voice
+sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my heart
+beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat
+on the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I
+had brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any
+use; something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are
+quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about
+the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he
+give me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought
+himself--quite according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and
+"Uncle" stares astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a
+cigar or whatever he liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I
+would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his
+desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much,
+yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This
+laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use
+trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go
+in with them; that was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off.
+Only a penny, or if he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters
+I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with
+his hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on
+my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade
+him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there
+was nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any
+price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do
+you look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched
+out my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well
+tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better
+you come in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing
+with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you
+hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and
+my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain
+of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I
+wrote with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor;
+and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately,
+without even re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper
+in order to open up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to
+Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of
+openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with
+me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches,
+particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I
+sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply
+because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If
+Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into
+the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like
+icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes
+and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas
+which might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened
+here and there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled
+at sentence after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon,
+one of my articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and
+happy, into my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was
+high time I made some arrangement towards getting a little money again;
+I had only a few pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an
+enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones
+and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this
+dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive
+rejected work, newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the
+28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of
+letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and
+lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks at me.
+Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when
+I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them.
+His face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I
+had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised
+the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is
+curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a
+habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look
+milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars
+wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes
+over me in the presence of this man. The tears are on the point of
+coming to my eyes, and I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I
+appreciated him, for all he had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt
+me; I was only a poor bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time
+of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat
+and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I
+stretch out my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us,"
+he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and
+write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that
+people understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to
+take up his time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,
+all the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his
+desk again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I
+made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something
+with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the
+"commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign
+without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once
+more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass
+her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same
+thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that
+she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the
+handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always
+in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and
+goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with
+curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling
+that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on the point
+of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any one, if she
+needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home.
+Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me
+something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.
+My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon
+me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize her sharply as I
+passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode in my breast,
+and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was
+not a long period; I had often been able to hold out for a couple of
+days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I
+could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day
+made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered all
+night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, lay blue
+with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy shivering, and
+grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep out the
+draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the sharp
+outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself
+alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I
+would try to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of
+hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on
+the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at
+which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of
+the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding
+my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides,
+with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my
+hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky
+stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight
+months, not the common food necessary to hold body and soul together
+for the space of one short week, before want stared me in the face
+again. Here I had, into the bargain, gone and kept straight and
+honourable all through my misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to
+the heart's core. God preserve me, what a fool I had been! And I
+commenced to tell myself how I had even gone about conscience-stricken
+because I had once brought Hans Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I
+laughed sarcastically at my delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in
+the street, and could not find words half strong enough to mock myself
+for my stupidity. Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment
+a schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch it
+up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole night
+through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much for
+nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park
+and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets
+were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet
+pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had
+commenced, the pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full
+swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats,
+one or two still short, sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate,
+panting breaths, and far down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling
+"Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion
+that thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the
+dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to
+affect me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling
+admissions, concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A
+number of cats are declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's
+doorway. And I did not possess even a florin! It was a misery, a
+wretchedness without parallel to be so impoverished. What humiliation,
+too; what disgrace! I began again to think about the poor widow's last
+mite, that I would have stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a
+beggar's wallet, that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more
+ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take
+to picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as
+they pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who
+fancy they are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if
+they tickle a sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank
+clerks, merchants, flaneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife;
+blowsy Molls, ready to fall down in the first doorway for a glass of
+beer! What sirens! The place at their side still warm from the last
+night's embrace of a watch-man or a stable-boy! The throne always
+vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I
+felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes.
+I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep
+my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a
+risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes;
+but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked
+to go along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see
+what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my
+arm, and said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called
+me a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got
+gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this
+unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now,
+Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and
+more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that
+I, too, was one of those who went about the street at night and ran
+after little girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps
+said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had
+done when one was actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many
+words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her those few paces, to see
+how far she would go on with it. For the rest, my name was
+So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, and sin no more!"
+With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps
+I had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life;
+save her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it
+when she came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death
+with thankful heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright,
+and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to
+face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might
+perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in
+my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring
+a candle. There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my
+writing materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened
+the door, and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I
+locked the door from the outside, and planted myself under the light.
+All around was quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a
+constable down in Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's
+Hill a dog barked. There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat
+collar up round my ears, and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop.
+But the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from
+the commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely
+to crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating
+climax. And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at
+this, the constable came and, planting himself a little distance away
+from me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+_Commandor_? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head
+above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space
+of an hour. The constable went his way. The cold began to get too
+intense for me to keep still. Disheartened and despondent over this
+abortive effort, I opened the door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set
+to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded
+by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not
+found an ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took
+aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my
+head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger
+on the floor, and then listened attentively, all without any object,
+but quietly and pensively as if it were some matter of importance in
+which I was engaged; and all the while I murmured aloud, time upon
+time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as
+before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself
+sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could.
+There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set
+myself resolutely to again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a
+score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try
+and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself
+to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet
+of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters that bristled up
+from the paper like small hairy creeping things, till at last I could
+neither make head nor tail of any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and
+tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables
+as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my
+lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest
+was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more
+together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm
+my fingers a little I stroked them through my hair backwards and
+forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts came away, flakes that got
+between my fingers, and scattered over the pillow. I did not think
+anything about it just then; it was as if it did not concern me. I had
+hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to shake myself out of this
+strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a mist. I sat up,
+struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest
+permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying
+helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At
+length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I
+shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled
+from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither
+was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I
+shook my head, went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it
+round the sore place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes
+filled with tears; I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger
+looked so utterly pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to
+now with me! The gloom grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that
+I might work up my finale through the course of the evening, if I only
+had a candle. My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as
+usual, and I did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so
+badly as some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next
+day. Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known in
+there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I used to
+buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the
+strength of my honest name; and for the first time for ages I took to
+brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed
+me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On
+no account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would
+never get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor"
+before he had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided
+upon the candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small
+parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The
+shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman,
+and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it
+over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are
+alone. He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my
+request over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count
+some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He
+gives me back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think
+about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth
+which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money
+mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare
+at these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take
+my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers
+strewn over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it
+is none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if
+it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that
+the shop-boy replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into
+my hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite
+of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in
+my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a
+little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates
+inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too
+strong for me--I entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared
+to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably
+well concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and
+then the waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright
+dishonesty was accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my
+earlier escapades were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and
+good! There was no help for it. For that matter, it was open to me to
+settle it with the shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion.
+It need not go any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon
+myself to live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no
+contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down
+into the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to
+get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread,
+and the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible
+that he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there.
+Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the
+table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark
+here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me
+at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains
+into her hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun,
+with the tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy
+yourself a farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way
+at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little
+towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and
+dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ...
+from me ... without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head.
+What a singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show
+myself too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected
+the depth of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to
+her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could
+not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a
+little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this
+nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and
+tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down
+furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last
+into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded with the water which
+gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I was seized with
+bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... I cursed the cruel
+powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted me so, consigned them to
+hell's damnation and eternal torments for their petty persecution.
+There was but little chivalry in fate, really little enough chivalry;
+one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had
+been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I
+said; he couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the
+man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first cafe I came to going along, and asked for some
+boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it
+greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road
+home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I
+get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black
+again. The same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be
+no mistake about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth
+time. She is standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar
+that I involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in
+good working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by
+my last meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the
+point of entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes
+me. Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before;
+could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way,
+so earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself;
+it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She
+was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she
+stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed
+me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in
+my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass
+of wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had
+come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would
+scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that;
+but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was
+rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up
+Carl Johann after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet
+breath every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated
+in an ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a
+glimpse of a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom
+that curved out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty
+which I surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not
+endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers
+over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just
+for a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great
+fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed
+before twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little
+tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She
+lived up in St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her
+mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there
+anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I know that? She had
+gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli
+a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky
+is clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known
+at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a
+while longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have
+you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into
+that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled
+with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and
+lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest
+me in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that
+didn't know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair,
+and lie with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks
+of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in
+space; in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures
+hovering over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid
+this bored her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew,
+and crushed me. If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to
+have given her the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could
+not make out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself
+be accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was I
+walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at nothing?
+Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be worried into
+a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap it did not cost me
+an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go right into my heart at
+even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against us? Was not madness
+running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for many months at a
+stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even a little milk
+into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps
+be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go
+to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I
+said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now";
+and she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your
+name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your
+veil so that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home.
+Were you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted
+windows of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my
+head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned
+it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to
+me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had
+expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own
+desire. I walk on and look at her, and get more and more bold. She
+encourages me, draws me to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a
+moment my poverty, my humble position, my whole miserable condition. I
+feel my blood course madly through my whole body, as in the days before
+I caved in, and resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She
+puts the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the
+two ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just
+to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may
+just wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do
+not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me
+once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with
+me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that
+time too, more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain
+once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any
+farther with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door
+with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could
+there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me
+clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken
+down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured
+by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink
+into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and
+said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for
+a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my
+neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom
+heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out
+of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned
+and ran up the stairs without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain;
+great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was
+raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of
+confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the
+agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while
+awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced
+myself and kissed the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and
+procured a fresh cup of milk, and straight on top of that a plate of
+beef. I was no longer hungry, but my nerves were in a highly-strung
+condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on
+under my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called
+up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a
+designer, and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I
+haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare thought. "Supposing it
+was my _fiancee_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in
+the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer,
+drank it, and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but
+now you shall have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back
+the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately
+to my head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed
+me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday!
+Supposing she were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ...
+get suspicious of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the
+money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon
+me in all its details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean
+hands as I seized the money, and I pictured to myself the line of
+action the police would adopt when they would come to arrest me. Irons
+on my hands and feet; no, only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand.
+The dock, the clerk taking down the evidence, the scratch of his
+pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the occasion--his look, his
+threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally
+dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I
+had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if
+it should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me
+no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced
+that I had been happier before, during the period in which I had
+suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with
+the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as
+drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake
+woman who was sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the
+elephant. I might even yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from
+being too late; I would show the whole world that I was capable of
+doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it
+in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted
+something, clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I
+spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a
+delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole
+matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret
+anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and shuddering time
+upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled
+against such a low action. God be praised, I had raised myself in my
+own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I said to myself, looking
+across the thronged market-place--"only just do as I have done!" I had
+gladdened a poor old cake vendor to such good purpose that she was
+perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children wouldn't go hungry to
+bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections and considered that I
+had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was
+out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with
+me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it
+was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my
+shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something
+astounding, to set the whole town in a ferment. All up through
+Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my
+ears, and intoxication ran riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go
+and tell my age to a commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed
+a word to me; to take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his
+face, and leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished
+every nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying the
+expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of tokens and
+signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at Parliament Place. I
+stand all at once stock-still, and look at the droskes; the drivers are
+wandering about, chatting and laughing. The horses hang their heads and
+cower in the bitter weather. "Go ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig
+with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to the first vehicle, and got in.
+"Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times
+into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too,
+grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had
+attracted his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She
+looks at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no
+effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the
+person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a
+bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran
+downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver.
+He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove
+on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is
+a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the
+driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was
+right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him
+that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just as he described
+him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see
+such a man without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I said, "Ha, ha! I suppose
+no one has ever yet seen the man without a knobbed stick in his hand,
+of that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they
+touched the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69.
+This number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like
+a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched
+under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and
+commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my
+brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to
+influences over which I have no control. I begin to laugh, silently,
+passionately, without a trace of cause, still merry and intoxicated
+from the couple of glasses of ale I have drunk. Little by little my
+excitement abates, my calm returns more and more to me. I feel the cold
+in my sore finger, and I stick it down inside my collar to warm it a
+little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy.
+I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come
+to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a
+sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on
+top of the other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted
+sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I
+hear voices and the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor,
+the sound of an iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment
+as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of
+being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who
+has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I
+believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had
+vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which
+came and went in turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a
+reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid
+and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great
+moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I
+sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much
+astonishment. I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find
+it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity
+had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become
+so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once
+had been; my shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had
+contracted a habit of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order
+to spare my chest what little I could. I had examined my body a few
+days ago, one noon up in my room, and I had stood and cried over it the
+whole time. I had worn the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite
+stiff with stale sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and
+water ran out of the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very
+tiresome to have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had
+no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it,
+dried it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for
+it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the
+whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from
+feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end
+now, I would heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation,
+I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the
+way I passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the
+right." Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former
+room in Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the
+door, the lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the
+baker's new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than
+now; one night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't
+write anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes,
+I would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in her
+hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy and I
+stand face to face alone for the second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did
+this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I
+got furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain
+fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of
+five shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently,
+and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to
+use force if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from
+one foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make
+signs to hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered
+my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that
+was opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious
+as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in
+any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I
+stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of
+being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me.
+Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The
+devil take you!' Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room,
+into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in
+my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high
+horse, and sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by
+the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake
+of his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five
+shillings that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of
+his fear, had tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with
+every loud word that I had roared out. And the master himself had
+perhaps been sitting inside the inner room, almost within an ace of
+feeling called upon to come out and inquire what was the row. No, there
+was no longer any limit to the low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would
+not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would
+have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for
+one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me
+only this once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might
+die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a
+little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the
+morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten
+her the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so
+faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so
+blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy
+light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows
+stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely
+and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of
+rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and earth in conflagration men
+and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a
+wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in brazen ignition, a smoking,
+smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body
+bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I
+had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in
+amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely
+failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my
+legs, was struck with astonishment that the window was where it was,
+and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses'
+feet in the yard below as if it came from above me. I felt rather sick,
+too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my
+elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches.
+My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me
+no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a
+little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my
+balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much,
+and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad.
+On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It did not strike me just
+then that anything could be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that
+the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be
+sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which
+grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast;
+carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of
+diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed
+for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a
+little more, then lay quite still for a moment's space, and then began
+afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty
+spaces everywhere after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to
+the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome;
+at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market
+and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and
+I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice
+the place I was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the
+noise around me was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear
+it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly
+as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me,
+and the wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little
+quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one
+foot pained me, a couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it
+were, curled up in my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have
+been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't
+think any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed
+to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and
+saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side;
+it was not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they
+were; he looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I
+had begged him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given
+it to me. He would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him
+in return, wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed
+my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got
+dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and
+sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and
+took to chewing it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and
+unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. I could hear a group of
+little children playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive
+sort of way, some pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the
+steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I
+called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a threatening
+backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up there, and boldly
+addressed the first butcher I met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said;
+"only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him
+something to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of
+the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and
+stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no
+light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I
+began to gnaw at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced
+to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it
+down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a
+matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew
+wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down
+by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as
+the little fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came
+again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from
+sheer helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that
+the bone got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned
+again, cried as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned
+all the powers that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the
+most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with
+gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy
+me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it
+avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the
+most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven;
+yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers like claws, with
+ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you
+did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire
+of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed
+me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, because you did not
+know your time of visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and
+yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the
+face--I tell you, I would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman
+in your mansions! I tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for
+your divine paltriness; and I choose the abyss of destruction for a
+perpetual resort, where the devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you
+have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots
+from here below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at
+their hour of death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and
+you know not, you omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition!
+I tell you, all my life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul,
+gasps to mock you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would,
+if I could, breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf,
+every dewdrop in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day
+of doom, and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your
+Deity's boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce
+all thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell
+you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and
+reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and
+turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the
+violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied
+outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and
+whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear voices--a conversation
+between two men who are coming down the passage. I slink away from the
+door, drag myself along the walls of the houses, and come out again
+into the light streets. As I jog along Young's Hill my brain begins to
+work in a most peculiar direction. It occurs to me that the wretched
+hovels down at the corner of the market-place, the stores for loose
+materials, the old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a
+disgrace to the place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market,
+and were a blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned
+over in my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had always
+attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps not be
+possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or three hundred
+pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must admit, a tidy
+enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a start with,
+eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy enough bit of
+pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling over my whole
+body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I had a
+feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I
+would, for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the
+street to die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous.
+My sore foot throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was
+creeping up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any
+particular distress. I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a
+lame man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped
+him instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun
+had sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under
+the man's nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had
+been smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the
+air; it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, reckoned
+in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again.
+"You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of
+tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made
+no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye
+on me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or
+another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look
+following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn
+round, and, dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at
+him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It
+was as if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I
+stare for a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog
+along again to the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable,
+he only keeps his gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat.
+It seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against
+a house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther
+from the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake
+his compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would
+have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor"
+tweaks his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to
+the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands
+me half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to
+death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is
+shameful of me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor"
+at last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but
+could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near
+tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave
+up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when
+after all I did muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he
+was already at too great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly
+and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me
+half-a-sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood,
+imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened
+eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the
+top of my voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in
+my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour,
+for it had grown very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough,
+outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for
+a moment and wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second
+time, right into the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here
+I asked for shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter
+everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets,
+golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented
+streets and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a
+turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of
+No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about the whole time in a
+state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would happen? What should I
+say when she came down the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I
+concluded to let it rest with the smile. Of course I would bow
+profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the
+clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the
+way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late,
+and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore,
+otherwise nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a
+long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come.
+Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I
+waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had
+my first meeting with her only existed in imagination the night I lay
+in delirium? I began in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all
+sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide
+staircase before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my
+hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little
+quickly after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way,
+that you would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too,
+so I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us
+had seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the
+door the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had
+perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave
+me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of
+mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall
+certainly not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led
+me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could
+very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a
+lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a
+little laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so ashamed, but I will never
+do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss
+you again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to
+her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table.
+We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right
+between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize
+hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took
+off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements.
+I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot
+refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door;
+you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's
+it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and
+do everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for
+example, you might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair;
+you could easily have thought of that much out of your own head,
+couldn't you? But if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as
+wide as if you couldn't believe what was being said. Yes, it is really
+true; I have noticed it several times; you are doing it now, too; but
+you needn't try to persuade me that you are always so modest; it is
+only when you don't dare to be otherwise than quiet. You were daring
+enough the day you were tipsy--when you followed me straight home and
+worried me with your witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you
+are quite certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment
+in it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most
+extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I
+never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no,
+perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love
+with you, and it is so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is
+naturally not an atom of a chance for me.... What is your name? Now,
+you really must tell me what you are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that again!
+I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes, that is
+to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like
+that? It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated
+herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with
+her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a
+little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap
+better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and
+you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that
+state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with
+you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you
+would not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't
+even think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of
+her head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a
+little on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could
+feel her breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when
+I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if
+you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be
+from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for
+otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm
+around her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being
+so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and
+seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away
+from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and
+looked out through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too
+wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any
+one in particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her
+during the time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in
+my old, well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and
+I felt fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub
+you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving
+a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I
+flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the
+girl out of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha!
+Then I would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was
+backward on that score. The creature was possessed by the devil
+himself! If it were only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against
+my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both
+hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down
+my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair
+there is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I
+won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed
+that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already should lose
+your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way you really
+spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do
+you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide
+anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you
+are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she
+had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself
+worthy of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person
+almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up
+to date on my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related
+truth. I made out nothing any worse than it was; it was not my
+intention to rouse her compassion. I told her also that I had stolen
+five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining
+eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to
+disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a
+thing happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up
+to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was
+I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental
+in causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of
+me if I had made myself out to be a _roue_?... No nonsense now;... it
+was just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of
+going at it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naive. I could have
+fallen down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on
+the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very
+ill at ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing
+she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to
+put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the
+fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had shown me the
+door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly
+standing over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to
+come of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her
+out that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost
+to me, and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a
+weighty, cutting word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a
+little. And in the face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of
+being proud and cold, disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk
+of trifles. The telling word would not come; I conducted myself in an
+exceedingly aimless fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me
+plainly and straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not?
+There was no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding
+me that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and I
+won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that she had
+been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she had thought
+about; I understood that at once. It did not require much to put me on
+the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her jacket, and
+left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said before, I
+had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was at the
+root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come
+over to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened
+certain powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I
+assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its
+advantages. It helped me in certain situations in life. The poor
+intelligent man is a far nicer observer than the rich intelligent man.
+The poor man looks about him at every step he takes, listens
+suspiciously to every word he hears from the people he meets, every
+step he takes affords in this way a task for his thoughts and
+feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is
+an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that
+I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the
+same. At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her
+in rude enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched
+by her heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my
+hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might
+answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I
+don't even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell
+me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't
+get in your way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once,
+as if you didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so
+thoroughly bare, made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time
+before; but, indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it
+over, that nothing is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give
+me your hand--or give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you
+any harm; I will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down
+on the floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am
+not to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on the
+carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at your feet;
+but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your eyes that you
+got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't move a step when I
+asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as I stand now when
+I point out the place to you where I would have knelt before you, over
+there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even point with my
+finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten you. I only
+nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly well which
+rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me,
+and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the
+heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I
+did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I
+often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food
+all the same, because I forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything;
+you don't answer; you don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand
+and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did
+she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she
+had tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her
+mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a
+sacrifice as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite
+of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for
+a little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold,
+and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was
+forcing herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to
+the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy,
+dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the
+whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the
+streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound,
+the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the harness of the
+droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything,
+sounded choked and jangling through the close air, that penetrated and
+muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In
+this way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to
+writing again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together
+that satisfied me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very
+painstaking, and strove early and late; no matter what I attempted, it
+was useless. Good fortune had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat
+and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the
+first evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got.
+All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in
+getting together an article on some subject or another, so that I could
+pay for my room, and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I
+worked on so persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from
+which I expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound
+thought upon which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to
+the "Commandor" in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had
+helped a talent this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually
+see that; it only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and
+why shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter with
+me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread and butter,
+mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer
+used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I could stare down into
+the street from my window on the second floor without getting giddy. I
+was much better in every way, and it was becoming a matter of
+astonishment to me that I had not already finished my allegory. I
+couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on
+this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me
+to look over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she
+said; it didn't agree with her own book; but she had not been able to
+find out the mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at
+me. I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the
+total right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I
+looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed
+at the same time that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention,
+and yet I did not stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this little
+huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I tried
+honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but couldn't
+succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for some minutes
+I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to dance about in my
+head; I could no longer distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole
+thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop at the following entry--"3.
+5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My brain failed me completely; I
+stared stupidly down at the cheese, and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you
+can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to
+give it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was
+as if something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the
+impression that I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and
+muttered a number aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down
+the reckoning as if I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and
+waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash
+of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never
+heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed
+to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to
+some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly
+revised. She said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel
+ashamed, but thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the
+door, she said, without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned
+back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a
+little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks
+yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to
+keep things going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging
+on credit, more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you
+about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall
+have your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me
+some time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter
+of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day.
+I have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day
+or hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair.
+No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no
+salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a
+complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a piece of
+Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my senses when I
+could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not I, into the
+bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the reckoning, made the
+lucid observation that my landlady was in the family way? I had no
+reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything about it, neither
+had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it with my own eyes,
+and I understood it at once, right at a despairing moment where I sat
+and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade.
+Some children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed
+children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle
+between them and screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly
+by; it must belong to some dislodged family, forced to change residence
+between "flitting time." [Footnote: In Norway, 14th of March and
+October.] This struck me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped
+on the float, moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs
+with three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her nose--sat
+up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little blue hands in
+order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of frightfully stained
+mattresses, that children must have lain on, and looked down at the
+urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window
+and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the
+kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and
+I listened to hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that
+an idiot could not have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and
+begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them;
+he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are
+saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children crowded
+together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did they
+expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones,
+cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse themselves
+with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and unspeakably
+wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes continued to revile
+one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't
+breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the
+cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him,
+he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that
+you are! To think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I
+will, may the Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street
+with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the
+arm and tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as
+if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising;
+this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any
+longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call
+twice, just to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call
+very loudly, and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me.
+She regains her self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay,
+downright maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to
+her offspring. She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to
+him, "Fie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how
+naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen;
+I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my
+own thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was
+impossible that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How
+could there, in this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have
+been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no
+end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this
+tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything
+as accurately as you do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To
+my mind it is not without its humorous side, if I am any judge of such
+a case. Why, it happens to every man that he once in a way sticks fast,
+and that, too, just with the simplest question. It is of no
+significance, it is often a pure accident. As I have remarked before, I
+am on the point of having a good laugh at your expense. As far as that
+huckster account is concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of
+beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!--a cheese with
+cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the
+matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous
+cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the
+world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to
+finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable,
+said I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in
+good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level
+head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth
+rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I
+laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too,
+as if I only needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy
+rapture, without a care on any side, to get my head into working order
+once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without
+getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point,
+that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I
+was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this
+thought. It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human
+brains; and I intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these
+burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my
+landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the
+room, she did not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep
+downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there
+too." And before she got my answer, she began, without further
+ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the table, and put the whole
+of them into a state of dire confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room.
+And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller
+already on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on
+the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest
+on his shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the
+night; he would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period.
+Perhaps, too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have
+one of my moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes,
+and my essay on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should
+have to submit to fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on
+the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and
+prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's
+father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down
+over his hands as if his chest or stomach pained him. His hair was
+almost white, and he looked in his crouching position like a
+poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said
+to the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened
+to come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have
+something in hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much
+as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down
+stairs, was occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to
+the house. She had put herself in connection with quay-porters and
+dock-men, to whom she paid a certain sum for every new lodger they
+brought her, and she often gave them, in addition, a shelter for the
+night. This time it was "Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the
+new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A
+while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she
+intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that I could lie
+in here together with the others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa,
+as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she fussed about the room and
+busied herself with different things that she set in order, and she
+never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it
+appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for
+another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not
+to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way!" and then
+held my tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to
+give people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told
+you that before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor
+of the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how
+he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take
+his first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was
+staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my
+room was lost to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to
+get anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was
+quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new
+idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The
+Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had
+especially thought out everything in connection with the principal
+characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who had sinned in the
+temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate against heaven;
+sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the altar-cloth under her
+head, just out of delicious contempt for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on.
+She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was
+exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and
+repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her
+long limbs should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took.
+She was also to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing
+for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested
+me in her was her wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure
+of calculated sin which she had committed. She really occupied me too
+much, my brain was absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of
+a creature, and I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama.
+When I had finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with
+much effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold
+and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the last
+half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the children
+inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case, have written
+any more just then. So I took a long time up over Drammensveien, and
+stayed away till the evening, pondering incessantly, as I walked along,
+as to how I would continue my drama. Before I came home in the evening
+of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street,
+almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this
+shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did
+not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were
+far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of people talking
+together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing of what was said.
+Then a voice greeted me loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked
+at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with
+that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if
+I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if
+to console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand
+there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a
+mean trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want
+to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen
+wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right
+from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the
+bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps
+me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up
+to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman
+at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I
+would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have
+given this toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps
+this red dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And
+at bottom what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the
+dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and
+talked, and tried to make good his mistake again. I did not listen to
+him at all; I stood the whole time and stared at the red dress that was
+coming nearer up the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a
+gliding delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the two--the lady and the man
+with her,--raised his hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously. The red dress
+glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial
+souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being
+going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first
+she answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who
+neither feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might
+not have the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by
+the Lord, not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with
+her to her door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety,
+otherwise he could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they
+went along, hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar
+Atterdag, and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was
+obliged to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like,"
+he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow;
+well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with
+all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise
+my hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly
+not; she was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she
+had fallen off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might
+easily have been the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not
+in the least astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir
+in her. But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and
+salute, like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously
+besmirched of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The
+day might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight into
+my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It might very
+easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I knew myself
+aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during the course of
+the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have brought this
+young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with all her
+charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live
+by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the
+Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with
+that, why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days'
+time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more
+of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp.
+It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go
+to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely
+to be able to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward
+my request very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a
+dissatisfied face on my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had
+almost completed a remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were
+wanting; and I hinted that it might be produced in some theatre or
+another, in no time. If she would only just render me this great
+service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve
+o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself
+a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that
+right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside
+with us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at
+all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and
+thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here,
+in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently
+at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a
+whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little
+girls came in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had
+scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out
+of them and trickled down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others
+sat at a table and played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as
+ever, and sat and sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not
+write anything in the midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled
+herself no more about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked
+me if I had been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile
+towards me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account. Even
+the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big fringe over
+her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at me in the
+evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She inquired
+perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as she had never
+seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was clear that she was
+aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a pleasure in letting me
+know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers
+into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me.
+I look at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are
+not yet fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me?
+Even supposing I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her
+in any way? She had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when
+I was a bit awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a
+nail and tore my coat. It was not later than yesterday that she
+gathered up my rough copy, that I had thrown aside in the
+ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments of my drama, and read them
+aloud in the room here; made fun of them in every one's hearing, just
+to amuse herself at my expense. I had never molested her in any way,
+and could not recall that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On
+the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in
+order not to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too,
+because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I
+washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been run
+over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them. "God
+bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as wide
+as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then I
+couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident
+malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man
+over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this
+diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I
+looked on at this for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old
+fellow did not move a finger to defend himself; he only looked at his
+tormentors with furious eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his
+head to escape when the straws were already in his ears. I got more and
+more irritated at this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it.
+The father looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he
+also drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children aside
+with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear
+of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I
+stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should
+I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose
+into the family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a
+half-dying old man, and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a
+flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that
+the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes
+and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said
+nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part
+of his body a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls,
+drew himself up again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I
+stood and looked on, saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table
+at which he sat, and sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed,
+and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly
+did not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled
+over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep
+your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve
+you best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled
+with scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack
+of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be
+quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open
+house and food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and
+the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any
+more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats
+there, and wipe your noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I
+never saw the like of such people. Here they walk in out of the street,
+without even a penny to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in
+the middle of the night and quarrel with the people who own the house,
+I don't mean to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you
+can go your way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to
+have peace in my own quarters, I am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it
+would surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and
+what word after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter
+outside, and far advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to
+strike a blow, and show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I
+sat still and made no attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed
+at keeping silent, never felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown
+the door. I stared coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung
+in an oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the
+landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them.
+"If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's
+the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick
+enough who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and
+spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant.
+"Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to
+go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my
+part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular
+green hair on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green
+grass, or expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a
+perfectly correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of
+fleeting ideas darts at this moment through my head. From green grass
+to the text, Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to
+the Day of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour
+down to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just
+like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on the
+right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head during
+the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust me from her
+door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now,
+out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key
+in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the
+rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out
+into the streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while
+ago took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I
+did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended
+that I had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I
+tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place.
+For the time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out
+tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only
+living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to
+extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached
+Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and still
+sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and very hungry,
+I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had
+lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my landlady had given me
+morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four hours since I had had my
+last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at me again; I must seek a help
+for it right quickly. With this thought I fell asleep again upon the
+seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every
+one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped
+myself on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice
+sounded so wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself
+to tears with it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in
+light, had far too mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud
+weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A
+large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her
+name, _Copegoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch
+what took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost
+discharged; she lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all
+the ballast she had already taken in, and there was a hollow boom
+through the whole ship whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck
+with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy,
+merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run
+lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes
+of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped
+over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration
+to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this
+oration, upon which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge
+my words, the bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways,
+and the ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with
+the atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to
+envelop my drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there
+in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single
+quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was
+no other way open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in
+Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I told myself all the
+while that it would not do. I went ahead all the same, and approached
+nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I
+admitted to myself that it was degrading--downright degrading, but
+there was no help for it. I was not in the least proud; I dared make
+the assertion roundly, that I was one of the least arrogant beings up
+to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter
+what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done,
+what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a
+matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I
+should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even
+whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost
+turned round at the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At
+the worst I could excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye,
+to make a proper adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt
+to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a
+sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to
+me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and
+my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to think over what
+his conscience should dictate to him. A little row reached me from the
+room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and
+totally indifferent to me what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit
+thinking about it? Keep quiet now! "Thus dictate I and my own
+conscience...." But everything conspired against me. Outside in the
+street, something was taking place that disturbed me. A little lad sat
+and amused himself in the sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He
+was happy and in fear of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot
+of paper streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and
+begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and
+catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is
+leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down
+on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five minutes
+passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little lad's
+tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that
+the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong.
+Was there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them
+anew, and solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright
+lengthy pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating
+desire to set to work again darted through my breast--the desire to
+finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor,
+and entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to
+hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his
+things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on
+a chair near the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out
+on my knees. Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon
+retort stood ready in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled
+one page after the other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled
+softly in ecstasy over my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of
+myself. The only sound I heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a
+church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All
+was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the
+stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt,
+timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger.
+I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen.
+I cannot write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below
+enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the
+landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther;
+the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait
+for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil
+does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst
+abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought
+myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the
+stranger man who followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod
+close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my anger increased with
+every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether
+I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely
+blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression
+that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A
+commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no
+notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do
+not turn round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and
+stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and
+unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look
+at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to
+me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face.
+I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was
+examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one
+might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word, not to
+mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect calmness, a
+large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face of one's
+persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with dignity. That
+was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the
+street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed
+vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I
+could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the
+cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it, so I remained
+standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my senses. My insane
+anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and
+stamped on the pavement. I also tried several other things to try and
+regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, wrinkled my brows, and rolled
+my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My thoughts grew more lucid.
+It was clear to me that I was about to succumb. I stretched out my
+hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street still danced
+wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my
+very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant effort not to
+sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would die
+standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying,
+and I swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with
+the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in
+the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father,
+Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and
+forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed
+her, she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of
+sheer good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought
+me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly
+over this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I
+grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with
+hoarse voice, and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than
+yesterday, had decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat
+her with the greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused
+her compassion, and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would
+never be an end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I
+maintain a decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every
+way I turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To accept
+half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back to the
+secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance offered, and
+keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of one's intense inner
+aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go
+back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use.
+There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert
+myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case,
+great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must
+consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and
+find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider
+the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps
+meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might
+and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and
+re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no
+obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything
+that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I
+tried to persuade myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I
+lied right royally to myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on,
+as if I had no need to seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly;
+only just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast
+rather strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of
+the Middle Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil
+between my teeth, jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each
+page in two, fling my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am
+lost! I whisper to myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no
+more than these few words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my
+hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing
+in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I
+lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a
+long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out
+his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a
+little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling
+any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort of any kind,
+I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market, turned round at
+the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's
+Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of indifference whether I
+returned the half-sovereign or not? When once I received it, it was
+mine; and there was evidently no want where it came from. Besides, I
+was obliged to take it when it was sent expressly to me; there could be
+no object in letting the messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to
+send it back--a whole half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there
+was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign
+still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It
+would hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so?
+Always ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my
+head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the
+street again. Even when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good
+warm lodging. No; I must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and
+show I wasn't the man to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right
+and left, and go my way.... I took myself sharply to task for having
+left my lodging and brought myself into the most distressful
+circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort
+of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I
+knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the
+money, therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put
+it plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now
+and then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even
+fatally in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this
+notion. There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt
+anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce
+battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit
+thus and look out into space, a figure becomes little by little clear
+to my fixed stare. At last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and
+I recognize it. It is that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near
+the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit
+half-upright on the seat, and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite
+correct--the same woman before the same table on the same spot! I
+whistle a few times and snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make
+for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if
+it was the wages of sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of
+silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of
+too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my
+words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers,
+this pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not
+say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind,
+I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal
+with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a
+contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the
+money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to
+think over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the
+outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the
+table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of
+clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and
+gives me to understand that she had not expected me to return to rob
+her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of,
+without that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look
+at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen
+money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think
+that either. Well, that at least was a good thing--really a good thing.
+It was, if I might so say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me
+an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness.
+Always when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my
+head and said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it
+never happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in
+this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford
+it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be
+expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of
+procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps
+never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at
+that now! In that case, she could of course have no opinion on the
+subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole
+stand, because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I
+had no intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the
+value of the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to
+trouble her again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was
+the sort of creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes
+towards me, four or five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible
+price she could think of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled
+still with her, persisted that she had at least cheated me to the
+extent of a shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices.
+"Do you know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I;
+"God help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth, begged
+me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The
+whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my
+cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness,
+repeated to myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed
+to me that I had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving
+her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over
+to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter
+how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no
+help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little
+cake that I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it
+aside, in fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little
+lad who played with the paper streamers. I thought of him
+continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped and swore. He had
+turned round towards the window when the man spat down on him, and he
+had just looked up to see if I was laughing at him. God knows if I
+should meet him now, even if I went down that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly
+by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some
+scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had
+amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had
+been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering
+in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid
+the cake down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and
+hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the
+first thing he will do when he comes out will be to find it. And my
+eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding
+the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my
+head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of
+those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk
+farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my
+hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and more confused.
+I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer.
+I just sit there and stare at the _Copegoro_, the barque flying the
+Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the
+port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I
+had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me,
+so I stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and
+strode on deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to.
+Where are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to
+me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to
+a little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really
+do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of
+chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can
+take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me
+good, and I could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to
+the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all
+the homes.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Hunger, by Knut Hamsun
+
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+Title: Hunger
+
+Author: Knut Hamsun
+
+Release Date: June, 2005  [EBook #8387]
+[This file was first posted on July 6, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+by KNUT HAMSUN
+
+Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON
+
+
+_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Knut Hamsun
+
+  Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the
+  foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those
+  approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in
+  Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to
+  have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation
+  and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were.
+
+  His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two
+  Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe,
+  taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected
+  works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of
+  Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a
+  characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well
+  as on Hamsun.
+
+  Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full
+  of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an
+  individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose
+  foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything
+  average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and
+  his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are
+  invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings
+  them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.
+
+  In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more
+  ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is
+  as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a
+  nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful
+  hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations
+  to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were
+  sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their
+  neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of
+  them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+  have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical
+  environment and early social experiences.
+
+  Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central
+  Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in
+  the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the
+  year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light;
+  where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream
+  without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically
+  that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic
+  measures by the spectacle of their struggle.
+
+  The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly
+  joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that
+  Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid.
+  By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that
+  country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that
+  country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the
+  pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly
+  normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous
+  atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize
+  traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this
+  basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to
+  ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to
+  the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion.
+
+  The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of
+  Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his
+  scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a
+  short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing
+  himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his
+  apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through
+  trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic
+  achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that
+  practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was
+  then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this
+  fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+  struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that
+  no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details.
+
+  Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and
+  school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand
+  and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as
+  tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle
+  eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the
+  streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own
+  country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before,
+  at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the
+  world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any
+  sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first
+  book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The
+  Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic
+  once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a
+  copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription
+  in the author's autograph:
+
+      "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America.
+      May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."
+
+  In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it
+  appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It
+  attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account
+  of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism
+  that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was
+  a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with
+  the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+  delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in
+  the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of
+  the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief
+  heralds of the neo-romantlc movement then spreading rapidly through the
+  Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works
+  of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like
+  Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg.
+
+  It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a
+  novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible
+  and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or
+  letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of
+  writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings
+  from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+  the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+  blended.
+
+  The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were
+  social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by
+  their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession
+  which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the
+  real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with
+  increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally
+  revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and
+  having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions
+  to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence
+  seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun
+  has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+  poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the
+  first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet
+  in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is
+  a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it
+  within the soul of man.
+
+  Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined
+  himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the
+  line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama,
+  and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It
+  was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of
+  Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in
+  Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania
+  again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who
+  is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at
+  50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure
+  through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is
+  a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+  rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker
+  of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first
+  acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order
+  to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then
+  another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel
+  cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor
+  and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit
+  the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are
+  delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest
+  part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more
+  of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable
+  Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the
+  trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+  Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+  seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+  rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed.
+
+  Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara"
+  (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far
+  the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about
+  one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much
+  in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a
+  duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged
+  injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the
+  universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as
+  a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor
+  and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+  was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic
+  gift in the narrower sense.
+
+  From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked
+  a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels:
+  "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love
+  story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In
+  Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood,"
+  short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904;
+  "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and
+  travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906;
+  "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to
+  "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909;
+  and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere
+  uncoordinated reflections, 1912.
+
+  The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development,
+  a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the
+  principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared
+  in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck
+  a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is
+  now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+  still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the
+  meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer.
+  Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in
+  "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a
+  certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of
+  Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One
+  might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it
+  not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict
+  between the individual and the group.
+
+  "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought
+  to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun
+  entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved
+  Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the
+  outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for
+  new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and
+  much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of
+  Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the
+  natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose
+  credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their
+  unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he
+  pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist,
+  and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely
+  found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature
+  which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+  whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.
+
+  Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as
+  strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his
+  little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a
+  peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works
+  that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far.
+  But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work
+  already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+  perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers.
+  To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through
+  the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books:
+  "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as
+  "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will
+  be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available
+  in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a
+  welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly
+  feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a
+  poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his
+  thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant
+  it to be anything else.
+
+  EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.
+
+
+
+
+Part I
+
+
+It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania:
+Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without
+carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It was
+already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the stairs.
+By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old numbers of the
+_Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice from the
+Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an inflated
+advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread.
+
+The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to think
+if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat hard-up
+lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken to my
+"Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had kept my bed
+for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had favoured me, I had
+managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from some newspaper or
+other.
+
+It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements near
+the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of "winding-
+sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That occupied me
+for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I got up and put
+on my clothes.
+
+I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a view
+of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins of a
+burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I leant
+with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open space. It
+promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of the year,
+when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us. The
+ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room, the
+floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it, seemed
+like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the
+door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them
+a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with was a
+little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the evenings and doze
+and muse on all manner of things. When it blew hard, and the door below
+stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned up through the floor and from
+out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_ near the door was rent in strips a
+span long.
+
+I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a
+bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window.
+
+God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail me
+aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the
+cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in
+nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied
+for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I could
+not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There was always
+something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire
+Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred
+men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery,
+whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt
+their arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by,
+merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my sight. I
+applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted brows, and made
+my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me by again with a smile;
+he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I could no longer apply for a
+situation in the garb of a respectable man.
+
+How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long
+time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable
+thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things
+grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards or
+parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers, I had
+thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous subjects.
+Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain; in despair I
+had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long hours of
+intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set
+to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I
+used to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and
+really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with
+something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work.
+
+Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my trousers
+to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer. Having done this,
+I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I stole very quietly
+down the stairs in order not to attract my landlady's attention (a few
+days had elapsed since my rent had fallen due, and I had no longer
+anything wherewith to raise it).
+
+It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the
+air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the pedestrians,
+and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous traffic everywhere
+exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and more contented.
+Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely take a morning walk
+in the open air. What had the air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a
+giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a
+feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to
+observing the people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on
+the wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a
+passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that crossed
+or vanished from my path impress me.
+
+If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense of
+the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became ill-regulated, and
+for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully.
+
+At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner. As I
+passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front of her
+head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last few days
+that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow
+snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was
+still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all
+appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the
+market-place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked up; the
+dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.
+
+I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself about
+anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a side
+street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go, wandered
+about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to and fro
+amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright and my
+mind too was without a shadow.
+
+For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried a
+bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength in
+his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted from the
+exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his bundle for
+him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans
+Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had
+not the slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than
+that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a blanket
+which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.
+
+Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden to
+no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might
+commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or
+what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I
+would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article I
+felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to draw
+from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place
+to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my article.
+
+But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead of
+me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in front of
+me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless; perhaps he had
+made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I had, and I must
+needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to
+me that he slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if
+waiting to see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would
+again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep
+ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more and
+more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little by little,
+destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful morning down to
+the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a great sprawling reptile
+striving with might and main to win a place in the world and reserve the
+footpath for himself. When we reached the top of the hill I determined to
+put up with it no longer. I turned to a shop window and stopped in order
+to give him an opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of
+some minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of me--he
+too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or
+four furious onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the
+shoulder.
+
+He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A
+halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.
+
+So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For milk,
+eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know how much
+you are in need of it."
+
+"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a
+farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"
+
+"Are you an artisan?"
+
+"Yes; a binder."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."
+
+"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, minutes and I
+shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence."
+
+I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been
+before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat,
+rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and
+knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the waistcoat
+on the counter.
+
+"One-and-six," said the man.
+
+"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to be
+a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it."
+
+I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things,
+pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough
+over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the
+"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more
+alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him.
+
+"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."
+
+The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he standing
+there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined the knees of
+my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did the scoundrel
+imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not as good as begun
+to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever
+for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was
+it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely
+day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a good
+dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders, and said:
+
+"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at a
+man's knees when he gives you a shilling."
+
+He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely;
+something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came to
+the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed me back
+the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him, told him to
+keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for nothing? If
+all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected
+an old debt; he was standing before an honest man, honourable to his
+finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were needed; it
+had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!
+
+I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I could
+go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped before a
+grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and I decided to
+go in and get something to take with me.
+
+"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on to
+the counter.
+
+"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically,
+without looking up at me.
+
+"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.
+
+I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost
+politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park.
+
+I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my provender.
+It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a square meal,
+and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me that one feels
+after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could no longer be
+satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple and
+straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might arrive at,
+ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much greater effort
+than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided
+on a treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This
+would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some of
+Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials to commence
+work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in
+the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket.
+
+Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me today! I
+swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of turns up and
+down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near the Queen's
+arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators; otherwise, there
+was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered
+temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely
+awry things seemed to go! To think that an article in three sections
+should be downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a
+pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle
+Street and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a
+good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill the
+parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on "Philosophical
+Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no one could say; and I
+told myself it might be of the greatest possible help to many young
+people. On second thoughts, I would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might
+easily avoid doing that; I would only need to make an almost imperceptible
+gliding over when I came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer
+for Renan, old Parson Renan....
+
+At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be completed.
+For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in the morning when
+I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day; it rose up and
+confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant hours, when I had
+otherwise not a gloomy thought.
+
+I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my pencil
+from the pawnbroker's.
+
+As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I passed.
+As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I looked up;
+she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and, becomes suddenly
+surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe at some word she
+hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking thought of her own. Or
+can it be because I touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently
+several times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her
+parasol. What has come to her?
+
+I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no
+further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a
+tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil incident,
+and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on a totally
+empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a
+singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this
+lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her
+again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order
+to observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the spur
+of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a name with a
+gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite close to me I draw
+myself up and say impressively:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly as I
+said it.
+
+"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.
+
+My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was
+fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to stop
+myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired with the
+craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me. I couldn't
+help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing the fool. I
+made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed
+frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly,
+and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and
+involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance.
+By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away in
+other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who was going
+along over the gravel hanging my head.
+
+A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already stopped
+at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and repeat:
+
+"You are losing your book, madam!"
+
+"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it is
+he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.
+
+I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity in
+her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short,
+passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a book,
+and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her hands,
+turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts her
+sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what book it is
+I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one, now another
+expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on
+her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.
+
+"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm. "He
+is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"
+
+Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to
+peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without my
+observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street towards
+the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a very narrow
+collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window opened on the
+second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with her sleeves turned
+up, and began to clean the panes on the outside. Nothing escaped my
+notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me
+with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong
+light. The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and
+a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were
+sisters.
+
+They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I stopped
+also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they had come,
+passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street and up towards
+St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their heels as I dared to
+be. They turned round once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning
+look, and I saw no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it.
+
+This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me lower
+my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer gratitude I
+would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them until they entered
+some place safely and disappeared.
+
+Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before going
+in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened for their
+footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor. I advanced
+from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then something odd
+happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second after a window
+opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me.
+"Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.
+
+Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots and
+strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We stand
+and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a minute.
+Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word is spoken.
+She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock through my
+senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears across the
+floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the accentuation in that
+movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of
+all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad.
+Then I wheeled round and went down the street.
+
+I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window. The
+more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I became.
+Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely all my
+movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are being
+watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well as I could
+and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my gait became
+unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look well. In order to
+appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw
+my head well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing
+eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I escaped
+down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle Street to get my
+pencil.
+
+I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat
+himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets. I
+found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the
+obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with him,
+and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable impression
+on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back again to the
+counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an
+explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to hum in
+order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in my hand, I held
+it up and said:
+
+"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any and
+every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different matter;
+there Was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it looked,
+this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the world, so to
+say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come right over to
+the counter.
+
+"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.
+
+"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my
+dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he never
+heard mention of it?
+
+Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title.
+
+"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be
+astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil
+back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost as
+much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly
+grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it.
+Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort of
+man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door
+with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high
+position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice
+profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my good-bye.
+
+On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who
+squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I
+voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and
+looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I heard
+her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I recognized
+the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door with his
+knuckles.
+
+The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began to
+get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for promenading.
+Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann Street. I stuck my
+elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself look small, and slipped
+unperceived past some acquaintances who had taken up their stand at the
+corner of University Street to gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up
+Castle Hill and fell into a reverie.
+
+How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads, and
+swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no sorrow
+in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not even a
+clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy souls. And
+I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and newly-fledged as I
+was, had already forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these
+thoughts to myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been
+done me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed
+to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the most singular
+annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or
+set my foot any place without being assailed by insignificant accidents,
+miserable details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered
+my powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in
+a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy
+me for a length of time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me? But
+why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against a man
+in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more and more
+incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected as an
+experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it, a
+peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans in
+order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or
+Hennechen the steam agent?
+
+As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I
+found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in
+letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat and
+sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me from
+thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began I could
+so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it
+were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of
+tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed me
+out.
+
+Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and
+paced backwards and forwards before the seat.
+
+My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I had
+pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual way. I
+experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was oversated,
+and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The people who came
+and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was
+taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I
+got angry and was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel
+and went right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat
+down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest
+degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a place,
+and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but imploring
+enough for a daily meal.
+
+I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any length
+of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my head and
+left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no longer felt
+its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that my eyes stared
+far too widely open when I looked at anything.
+
+I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and more
+bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to draw me
+nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing obstacle
+after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight mistake.
+And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven and told Him
+so mentally, once and for all.
+
+Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The
+rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked quite
+softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore should I
+sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may array this
+miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly
+Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath
+He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord
+stuck His finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory
+fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then the Lord
+withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate root-like
+filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the nerve-threads of the
+filaments. And there was a gaping hole after the finger, which was God's
+finger, and a wound in my brain in the track of His finger. But when God
+had touched me with His finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and
+let no evil befall me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with
+the gaping hole. And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord
+God of all Eternity.
+
+The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students'
+Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing materials
+to try to write something, and at the same time my book of shaving-tickets
+[Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway
+shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and counted the
+tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I exclaimed involuntarily;
+"I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks, and look a little decent";
+and I immediately fell into a better frame of mind on account of this
+little property which still remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out
+carefully, and put the book safely into my pocket.
+
+But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me; my
+thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself together
+enough for any special exertion.
+
+Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh
+impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and
+disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder; to
+no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make
+themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend. They
+are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on to, set
+their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or stand
+immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way.
+
+These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my legs
+to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet notes
+waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new impulse.
+
+Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the
+paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head is
+so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought without
+tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down my breast
+and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time
+my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at
+this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt
+before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks of
+cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of my shoes
+I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part of myself that
+had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition trembles through my senses;
+the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a feeling as if my shoes are a
+soft, murmuring strain rising towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to
+myself, and I clenched my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at
+myself, for this ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect
+consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and closed
+my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears.
+
+As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their looks,
+their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and their
+worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give them
+expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own nature had
+gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost of my other
+I--a breathing portion of my very self.
+
+I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour. A
+little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated
+himself he panted after his walk, and muttered:
+
+"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"
+
+As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my
+head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted phase
+of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period, maybe a
+year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my memory. I
+began to observe the old fellow.
+
+Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the
+very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an old
+number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which something
+or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused, and I could not
+take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea entered my head that it
+might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity
+increased, and I began to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It
+might contain deeds, dangerous documents stolen from some archive or
+other; something floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy.
+
+The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper as
+every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species of
+cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting his
+package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he did
+not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life there
+was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit. Just the
+fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair
+distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer
+the man in order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my
+shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to be
+utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and said:
+
+"May I offer you a cigarette?"
+
+"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his
+eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it long
+since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read either,
+not even a paper?
+
+No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his
+weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy
+appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on me.
+
+"You are a stranger here?" he said.
+
+"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand?
+
+"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a stranger.
+There was something in my accent which told him. It did not need much; he
+could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he could hear people
+in the next room breathing....
+
+"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"
+
+On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied
+involuntarily, without any object, without any _arrière pensée_, and
+I answered--
+
+"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."
+
+"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a fountain,
+some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What number do you
+live in?"
+
+Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the
+newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing up,
+at no matter what cost.
+
+"When you cannot read the paper, why--"
+
+"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my
+disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is your
+landlord's name?"
+
+I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of the
+moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.
+
+"Happolati!" said I.
+
+"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this
+difficult name.
+
+I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a considering
+air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name which jumped
+into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and pretended to have
+heard it before.
+
+In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my
+curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease
+spots on the paper.
+
+"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was not
+a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he was."
+
+"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man is
+namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."
+
+I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with everything
+I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would not have
+roused his suspicions.
+
+"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.
+
+"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for
+every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down from
+Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"
+
+"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited.
+
+This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one lie
+after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the
+newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the
+old fellow's talk.
+
+The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would
+stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and stop
+his mouth from sheer amazement.
+
+Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented?
+
+"What? Elec--"
+
+"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly
+extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation;
+foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics to
+be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men."
+
+"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.
+
+He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he
+was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to see
+him utterly bewildered by my inventions.
+
+I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog,
+hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in Persia.
+"You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister of State
+in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the same as
+Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed the whole
+thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his daughter Ylajali,
+a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a
+couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I
+had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life!
+
+"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent air,
+as he gazed at the ground.
+
+"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw
+silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a kiss;
+and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right into my
+soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he imagine
+she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was simply a
+Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale.
+
+"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored me; I
+was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter seriousness;
+the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or other, no longer
+occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper lay on the seat
+between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to examine it or see
+what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories of my own which
+floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my
+head, and I roared with laughter.
+
+At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself,
+and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own much
+property, this Happolati?"
+
+How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name I
+had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every huckster-shop
+in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a syllable. The
+name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the instant. I got
+annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against this creature whom
+nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render suspicious.
+
+I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know absolutely
+nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all that his name
+is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own initials."
+
+"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my
+vehemence; and with that he grew silent.
+
+"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature ...
+Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?"
+
+Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might perhaps
+have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently and meekly
+to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he feared to offend
+and perhaps make me furious.
+
+"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you
+chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even believe
+that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your match for
+obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you? Perhaps,
+too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking to yourself I
+am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my Sunday-best without even
+a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as
+yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord
+strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you know
+that?"
+
+The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and listened
+to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from off the
+seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short, tottering
+steps of an old man.
+
+I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink at
+each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression came,
+but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more vile back
+than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the creature before
+he left me.
+
+The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly in
+the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the parallel
+bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was calmed and in
+good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under quieted down little
+by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and began to feel drowsy.
+Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten cause me any longer any
+particular distress. I leant against the back of the seat in the best of
+humours, closed my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was
+just on the point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my
+shoulder and said:
+
+"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"
+
+"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising
+all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way or
+another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to me. Even
+the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were written by
+people all too little known to be of much use; besides that, constant
+refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me. At all
+events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the rest
+would have to wait a little.
+
+Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and I
+sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only now one
+single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put words into
+my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long piece, without
+the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too.
+
+I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write this
+date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a workable idea
+shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter about in my head. The
+feeling of declining day makes me downcast, sentimental; autumn is here,
+and has already begun to hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies
+and insects have received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in
+the fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring,
+restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole
+insect world is astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads
+up from the turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and
+then collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.
+
+Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately
+blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards, and
+the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant
+silkworms.
+
+It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the roses
+have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge, through
+their soft damask.
+
+I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction, gripped
+by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic sleep. I rose,
+oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious strides down the path.
+"No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands; "there must be an end to
+this," and I reseated myself, grasped the pencil, and set seriously to
+work at an article.
+
+There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring me
+straight in the face.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them, and
+wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction. It
+would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a
+political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid
+commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some
+particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple
+with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion,
+disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain
+positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light,
+buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in
+my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be hollowed
+out from top and toe.
+
+In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry many
+times at a stretch, without adding one word more.
+
+The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while
+longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and put
+it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a
+waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands in
+my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on.
+
+If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady had
+asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my head and
+slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again: the very
+next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account for myself
+honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this rate.
+
+On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to flight.
+The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next him, filled
+with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he sat. I immediately
+wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but the sight of food
+repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten claws as they clutched
+loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by
+without addressing him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me,
+dry as horn, and his face did not move a muscle.
+
+And so I went on my way.
+
+As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to read
+the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to find one
+that I might try for.
+
+A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of hours'
+book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my man's
+address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would demand less
+than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or perhaps fivepence.
+That would not matter in the least.
+
+On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in which
+she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as I could.
+I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request. Friendlily
+Mrs. Gundersen.
+
+I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret, put
+it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I
+returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst the
+darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be difficult
+now.
+
+I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened my
+eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of the
+clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had down. I
+grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand things.
+
+Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me,
+delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal. I
+lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are capital.
+Little by little others come and fit themselves to the preceding ones. I
+grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and pencil from the table
+behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in me; one word follows
+another, and they fit themselves together harmoniously with telling
+effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain,
+and a wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed,
+and fill page after page, without a moment's pause.
+
+Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I miss
+a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough, although
+I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am full of my
+subject, and every word I write is inspired.
+
+This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it
+comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees
+before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as there
+is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of bed and
+dress myself, It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the lighthouse
+director's announcement down near the door, and near the window it is
+already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see to write. I set
+to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have written.
+
+An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these
+fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after
+another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read. My
+head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow
+grandiose.
+
+I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five
+shillings on the spot.
+
+It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on
+the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered
+dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing.
+
+I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I
+was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and I
+decided on half-a-sovereign.
+
+The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door, and
+could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like letters of
+Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of it. It was
+also a good while since the clock has struck seven.
+
+I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything
+well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This
+was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common enough
+green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs too many on
+the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality
+a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one
+might easily split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for
+a grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a
+boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not adopted for
+the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not intend to keep it any
+longer. On no account would I keep it. I had held my peace, and endured
+and lived far too long in such a den.
+
+Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my remarkable
+sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and re-read, I
+determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took out my
+bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars and some
+crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home bread. I
+rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I
+ransacked every corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind,
+and as I could not find anything, went over to the window and looked out.
+
+The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out
+smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from wall
+to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I stepped back
+from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a low bow to the
+lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss Andersen's
+winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly the thought of
+my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so
+that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal with.
+
+I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in which
+I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some time to
+come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five shillings.
+I would call in some day when passing by.
+
+Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person her
+roof had sheltered.
+
+I left the note behind me on the table.
+
+Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling of
+having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel
+grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside and
+thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning.
+
+I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt and
+noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to my
+yesterday's cry for aid.
+
+"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm
+over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was on
+the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole noiselessly down
+each flight and reached the door unseen.
+
+The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early
+morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no glint
+of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I went as
+usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was half-past
+eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use in going to
+the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so
+long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast.
+For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those
+times were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil
+dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!
+
+But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither
+could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about right
+under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I went on I
+tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till later on. It
+occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper;
+not only would it look better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying
+it,
+
+I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys.
+
+He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he shrugged
+his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took it; this
+annoyed me.
+
+"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly glass
+vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."
+
+This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he
+made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common in
+this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with the
+air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He held the
+door open for me, and bowed twice as I left.
+
+I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept from
+choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy crimson
+roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the damp
+morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one, and I
+inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as near to them
+as possible.
+
+If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went;
+indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living to
+balance things again.
+
+It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors" is
+running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On being
+asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to suppose
+that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and impress upon
+his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's own hands as
+soon as he arrives.
+
+I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.
+
+"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his papers.
+
+
+It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I said
+nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left.
+
+I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly
+wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried their
+umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the men looked
+limp and depressing.
+
+I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and
+roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me good
+morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly. I never
+cared particularly for "Missy."
+
+He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and
+asks:
+
+"What have you got there?"
+
+"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply, in
+a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's such a
+thing as treating oneself too shabbily."
+
+He looks at me with an amazed start.
+
+"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.
+
+"Oh, beyond all expectation!"
+
+"Then you have got something to do now?"
+
+"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am
+book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."
+
+"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.
+
+"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only you
+don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!"
+
+A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his cane
+to my parcel, says:
+
+"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't
+find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!"
+
+This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to poke
+his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor I
+employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher" embittered me,
+and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he had borrowed from
+me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had asked for it. I got
+ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I
+stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to
+proceed on my way.
+
+What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe
+with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on at
+this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a good
+deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the
+_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the
+office, took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on
+to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near
+the Mortuary Chapel.
+
+I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half-slept and shivered.
+
+And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little
+masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults
+here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it would
+be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps mediocre enough
+in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security had I that it was
+not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My
+confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard.
+
+Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was only a
+little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor before four.
+The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings; the more I thought
+about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I could have written
+anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of
+fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself and been happy all
+through the long morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with
+hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to
+the open fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste
+plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a country road,
+the end of which I could not see.
+
+Here I halted and decided to turn.
+
+I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met two
+hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads, and
+sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I passed
+them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me, sure to fling
+some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I got near enough,
+one of them called out and asked what I had under my arm?
+
+"A blanket!"
+
+"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.
+
+"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!"
+Whereupon they both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the
+lash of a whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They
+couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my
+head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and
+continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was
+past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down
+to the town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had
+been there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled
+against folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me,
+competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in
+time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and
+knocked.
+
+No answer.
+
+"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open, knock
+once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his face
+towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my
+breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me, shakes
+his head, and says:
+
+"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."
+
+I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I
+answer:
+
+"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no hurry;
+in a few days, perhaps--"
+
+"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."
+
+I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the interview
+is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in me; as yet,
+nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter, yet win all.
+And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council in Heaven, in
+which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay, triumphantly win
+ten shillings for a story.
+
+If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I consider
+where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query that I come
+to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where I am, and pose
+like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and
+roar about it.
+
+A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_.
+
+"It's real good value, sir!"
+
+I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to the
+right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down Kirkegaden,
+ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the window. I pass
+by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the box-office, and go
+towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat once more, and begin to
+consider afresh.
+
+Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?
+
+Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself till
+morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it could
+never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this thought
+with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of the little
+red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly
+transported to a large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I
+could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices of
+bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a
+seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver
+fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea....
+
+Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my
+head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I would
+have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach food, my
+inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy
+of mine.
+
+Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There was
+no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I had the
+entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was no degree of
+cold worth speaking of in the weather.
+
+And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy,
+broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered
+rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up in
+downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine pistons
+pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and no wind;
+the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was
+cold and damp.
+
+Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran
+down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and I
+let them droop....
+
+When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and
+freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and
+faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by now
+I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of the fire
+brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several hours.
+
+Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there
+and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible to
+succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a
+moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and
+prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute,
+and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge
+turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand dumb
+with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I say
+nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save appearances
+I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other,
+and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I
+had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away.
+
+Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl
+Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to
+whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near
+the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought
+myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an
+assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my
+fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the
+door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and
+knock.
+
+He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it was
+horrible.
+
+"Good-evening!" I say.
+
+"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It
+doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it
+since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by daylight;
+there is no use our trying to see it now!"
+
+"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that
+matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking about.
+
+
+"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow;
+and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me, whispering:
+"I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly impracticable."
+
+
+"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."
+
+I drew back, said good-night, and went away.
+
+So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods. If
+only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more and
+more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself so long
+trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored with the
+whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest, to resign
+myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head. At a place
+in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some food was
+displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French
+roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the
+background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I had no
+money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my tramp. I
+went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it seemed to
+me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood.
+
+I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look
+about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper
+leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry. I
+opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted with
+the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many times
+before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was slightly
+swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I pulled off my
+shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from Semb on top.
+
+And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything
+was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting
+song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is never
+silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it began to
+bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres above.
+Stars that intone a song....
+
+"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed;
+and I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're
+night-owls hooting in Canaan!"
+
+I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered
+about in the gloom, only to lay down once more.
+I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until
+nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last.
+
+       *        *        *        *        *
+
+It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that it
+was going on towards noon.
+
+I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for town.
+There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog, my feet
+were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if they could
+not bear the daylight.
+
+It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I
+was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by
+the Dampkökken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap
+eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way to
+attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food for
+me. After that I went towards the railway station.
+
+A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I stumbled
+on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and was forced
+at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a change, as if
+something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a curtain or tissue of
+my brain was rent in two.
+
+I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and, as
+an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and bowed.
+
+What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
+the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did it
+arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole thing
+squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this manner, by
+Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either how I had made
+myself deserving of this special persecution; and it suddenly entered my
+head that I might just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's"
+with the blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full
+meals, and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis
+true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to the
+pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head irresolutely, then
+turned back. The farther away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I
+became, that I had conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness
+that I was yet pure and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a
+splendid sense of having principle, character, of being a shining white
+beacon in a muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
+
+Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
+self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
+first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
+one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
+Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had really
+never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for
+every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a
+headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that
+belonged to another fellow.
+
+There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the right
+time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I importuned
+him every hour in the day since I sent in my application? Had I rung the
+bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had not even applied
+personally to him or sought an answer! It did not follow, surely, that it
+must needs be an absolutely vain attempt.
+
+Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious course,
+and I started for Groenlandsleret.
+
+The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a little,
+and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to him.
+
+Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for my
+work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of that
+sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.
+
+I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with spittle
+to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel behind me
+in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the little shop.
+
+A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper.
+
+"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.
+
+"That's me!" replied the man.
+
+"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of sending
+him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use.
+
+He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh.
+
+"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal with
+dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with laughter.
+
+"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a want
+of thought; I admitted it.
+
+"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes in
+figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I like
+your letter, too, but--"
+
+I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He
+busied himself again with the bags.
+
+"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it
+would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could not
+have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"
+
+"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so much
+weight with me that I decided at once upon another man."
+
+"So the place is filled?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"
+
+"No! I'm sorry, but--"
+
+"Good-evening!" said I.
+
+Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel
+from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful folk
+on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon.
+
+As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my behaviour, I
+turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his ear, clenched
+my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened by a blind rage
+that I could not control.
+
+He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one
+between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally in
+order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not come.
+Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of one's most
+earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written
+1828? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here I was going
+about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and
+it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in
+the shape of food would turn up later on in the day.
+
+I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was
+letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I
+lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their rent,
+struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other men's
+blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience.
+
+Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which spread
+more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a watchful eye
+on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in accordance
+with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without a break in the
+measure.
+
+But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range because
+it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an unpardonable
+offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down....
+
+I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the
+left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I did
+not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation of the
+entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the
+decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision as
+I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why should I
+stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell
+which was some little way from the stairs?
+
+A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the
+door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her head
+and said:
+
+"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the
+door.
+
+What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me
+without further ado for a beggar.
+
+I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful bow,
+and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost politeness:
+
+"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was new
+to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has advertised
+for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"
+
+She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to be
+irresolute in her summing up of my person.
+
+"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living here."
+
+
+"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?"
+
+"No!"
+
+"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the
+first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in
+whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last
+family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew
+back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could not
+stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended the
+stairs.
+
+My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying that
+she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower. So it
+had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say to
+himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their food
+handed out to them at folk's back-doors!"
+
+I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed the fresh
+smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the door-handle,
+and I was on the point of entering without any fixed purpose, when I
+bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On reaching the market, and
+seeking for a place to rest for a little, I found all the benches
+occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside the church for a quiet
+seat, where I could sit down.
+
+Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I commenced
+to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner of the
+bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging one foot
+after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop window; halted,
+and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a scorching heat in my
+head, and something pulsated strangely in my temples. The water I had
+drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there
+to escape being noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to
+Our Saviour's Cemetery.
+
+I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In
+this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the little
+gnawing in my chest.
+
+A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the side
+of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and reminded me of
+an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten.
+
+If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him the
+truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me now; ay,
+that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my
+shaving-tickets.
+
+Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search
+nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly
+enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover
+them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other
+papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.
+
+I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I had
+not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of mine--that I
+no longer cared to get shaved.
+
+I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg
+silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the
+Opland Café between seven and eight.
+
+I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went. The
+wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day
+declined.
+
+After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank?
+Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span
+tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.
+
+Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let go
+with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I could
+well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by the way, I
+was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a
+large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and
+folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the
+tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the
+Opland.
+
+It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the
+café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all who
+went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I saw the
+young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and across to
+the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my breast as I
+caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a greeting:
+
+"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of
+it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.
+
+"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned his
+purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and got
+totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got it."
+
+"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took his
+word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about such a
+trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were moist whilst
+he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back. "Excuse me," I
+said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was already a piece
+down the street, when he called after me about the little packet. "Keep
+it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it. There are only a few
+trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so
+touched at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I
+fell a-weeping....
+
+The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it
+grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I walked,
+down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with myself, and
+repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation, which called forth
+fresh tears whenever they were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel
+so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!"
+
+An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I spent
+a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways, and when
+any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops where people
+bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself a sheltered
+place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the bazaar.
+
+No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must take
+their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an endless
+way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain where I was;
+if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the church. I would not
+in any case worry myself any more about that, and I leant back and dozed.
+
+The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the
+pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about the
+lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure standing
+in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a policeman,
+though I could not see the man's face.
+
+"Good-night," he said.
+
+"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.
+
+"Where do you live?" he queried.
+
+I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little attic.
+
+
+He stood for a while.
+
+"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.
+
+"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting home
+now; it's cold lying here."
+
+"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and
+instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it
+carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there were
+eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my tread. Down
+at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I
+could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little.
+After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was
+accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly after
+me.
+
+Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from the
+windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note lying on
+the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might never have
+been up here since I went away.
+
+I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my astonishment,
+that it was a letter. I take it over to the window, examine as well as it
+is possible in the dark the badly-written letters of the address, and make
+out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an answer from my landlady,
+forbidding me to enter the room again if I were for sneaking back.
+
+Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand, the
+letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself up, set
+my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the stairs,
+and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my time with the
+laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me,
+holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go.
+
+The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the
+street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel
+against the lamp-post and open the letter. All
+this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of
+light, as it were, darts through my breast, and I hear
+that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of
+joy. The letter was from the editor. My story
+was accepted--had been set in type immediately,
+straight off! A few slight alterations.... A
+couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked
+out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ...
+half-a-sovereign.
+
+I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street, stopped,
+slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at nothing in
+particular. And time went.
+
+All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the streets
+and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little masterpiece--a
+stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."
+
+
+
+
+Part II
+
+
+A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a
+churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But whilst
+I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness closed in, and
+time for shutting the gates.
+
+I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted all
+too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten
+anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed me
+a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket, but not
+a farthing.
+
+When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but,
+from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where
+all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to
+occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went,
+the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a scat near the railway
+bridge.
+
+At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and
+felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in the
+murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading through
+the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering head the best
+thing I had ever done.
+
+I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it
+close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At last
+I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was still.
+The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds flitted
+noiselessly by me from place to place.
+
+A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul
+visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.
+
+I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but not
+a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out again.
+It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I selected a
+white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion from--but I
+made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled
+with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew
+it onward a little, and then it lay still.
+
+By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked at
+the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with
+shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did
+contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the sum;
+if I guessed aright, it was to be mine.
+
+I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick fluted
+shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and gazed at
+it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it.
+
+Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the same?
+I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that he may
+hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and laughed at
+this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with rollicking
+recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog! Wouldn't this
+piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's hottest pool of
+torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy.
+
+A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on the
+pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole night
+before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes quite
+close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white and so full
+as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum of silver
+money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an
+expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his
+big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and
+laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter
+was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears.
+
+Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a turn
+towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and
+hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I
+commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the poor
+policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated over and
+over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he
+threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them additional point,
+changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed
+once--Kheu heu!
+
+I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the evening
+was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet overcame me;
+a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The darkness had
+intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue sea. The ships,
+the masts of which I could see outlined against the sky, looked with their
+black hulls like voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me.
+I had no pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt
+pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not to be
+noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I
+could best appreciate the well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a
+cloud on my mind, not a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought
+reached, I had not a whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes,
+in a state of utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover,
+not a sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of
+silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there
+will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across
+the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear me
+to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits me,
+greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting in a
+dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will
+stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I
+approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have
+waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights.
+And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have breathed
+sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand and, holding it,
+leads me through long corridors where great crowds of people cry,
+"Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender maidens laugh
+and play; and through another hall where all is of emerald; and here the
+sun shines.
+
+In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills of
+perfume are wafted towards me.
+
+I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment shiver
+through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she whispers, "Not
+here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room, where all is of
+ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint.
+
+Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a whispered
+"Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."
+
+I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are
+swept away in a hurricane of light....
+
+I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman. There
+I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling was of
+stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was quickly
+replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow at being
+still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were soaked
+through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs.
+
+The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could distinguish
+the policeman's face in front of me.
+
+"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."
+
+I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have
+obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength; added
+to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger again.
+
+"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking off
+without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on."
+
+"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I
+stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away.
+
+If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little brown
+loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street; and as I
+went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that would be so
+unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and
+buried; I got maudlin, and wept.
+
+There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street,
+stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A
+"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I
+turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I
+stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran on.
+But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired that I
+did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my
+anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath.
+Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what such a
+policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything. Right enough, I
+interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I found this argument
+satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He knew no better"; and with
+that I returned again.
+
+"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
+head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on dark
+nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave me no
+rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy myself a
+little; I fancied it helped.
+
+I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this last
+period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of late. When I
+had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some manoeuvre or another
+they only lasted any time with difficulty; not long enough for me to be
+restored to health before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again.
+My back and shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little
+gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward as I
+walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever was the
+reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not just as much
+entitled to live as any one else? for example, as Bookseller Pascha or
+Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders like a giant, and two
+strong hands to work with? and had I not, in sooth, even applied for a
+place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden in order to earn my daily bread? Was
+I lazy? Had I not applied for situations, attended lectures, written
+articles, and worked day and night like a man possessed? Had I not lived
+like a miser, eaten bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I
+had little, and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I
+a suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a
+tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last winter,
+because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a
+bit of it.
+
+I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a
+spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.
+
+I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the
+labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself
+over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make
+out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and went
+on.
+
+Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to
+him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock."
+
+"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.
+
+"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with
+anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said,
+"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"
+
+He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast at
+me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye were
+getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?"
+
+I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt
+that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:
+
+"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a café. Thank
+you very much all the same!"
+
+He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His friendliness
+had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not even a little
+coin to give him.
+
+I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck my
+forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried more
+violently.
+
+I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names, invented
+furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse with which I
+overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly home. On coming
+to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys.
+
+"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys? Here
+I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a tinker's
+workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no one can
+open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys?
+
+"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little
+hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why
+should I not lose them?
+
+"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by the
+time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to myself,
+hardened by hunger and exhaustion.
+
+I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window
+above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in.
+
+It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my
+shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask the
+policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and
+earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could.
+
+Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys
+were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department.
+
+What was I to do then?
+
+Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!
+
+But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I had
+been out--in a café ... he knew....
+
+We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my
+personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside.
+
+"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as
+homeless!" said he.
+
+Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital idea;
+and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could I simply
+go in and say I was homeless?
+
+"Just that."...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Your name?" inquired the guard.
+
+"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"
+
+I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and
+inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with. I
+hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and blurted
+it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for doing so.
+
+"Occupation?"
+
+This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what was
+my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but I
+dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to every
+and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered my
+head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost
+solemnly:
+
+"A journalist."
+
+The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as
+important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused no
+suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little
+before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the night
+guard-house without a roof over his head?
+
+"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"
+
+"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this
+evening, more's the shame!"
+
+"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young
+people are out ... we understand!"
+
+Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me,
+"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!"
+
+I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands to
+steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_.
+I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of
+that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock.
+
+"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door.
+
+"And then does it go out?"
+
+"Then it goes out!"
+
+I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright cell
+had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and listened
+with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself anything better
+than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat
+in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave
+myself up to thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the
+police. This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them?
+"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then _Morgenbladet_!" Didn't
+I appeal straight to his heart with _Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention
+that! Eh? Sat in state in the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot
+door-key and a pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this
+gentleman up to the reserved section!"...
+
+All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.
+
+I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white
+walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I
+undressed.
+
+But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I lay
+a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had no
+bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.
+
+It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence oppress
+me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and tossed to and
+fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The darkness had
+taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment in peace.
+Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one with it?
+
+I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition has
+got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I tried
+to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular fantasies,
+listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the exertion of
+striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in
+all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I
+found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate
+element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous
+thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.
+
+A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a
+nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and try
+to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a
+downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against!
+Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with
+curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in
+order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach right
+into the next wall.
+
+I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle
+again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not hear
+a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in the
+street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge from
+the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and laugh:
+"That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word.
+I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered
+it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you
+have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import."
+
+I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I
+begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my
+discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was
+empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts.
+
+In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular jerks
+in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new word. There
+was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli; [Footnote:
+Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and who said that
+it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once
+again, "Who said that it was to signify cattle show?" No; on second
+thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or
+sunrise. It was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I
+would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it.
+
+I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give
+vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I wax
+nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and again,
+takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion
+as to what it should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what
+it should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to
+myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a matter of
+detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was the principal
+thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me from falling asleep.
+Nothing seemed good enough to me for this unusually rare word. At length I
+sit up in bed again, grasp my head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just
+this, it is impossible to let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If
+it could have meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long
+since and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to
+signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it?
+and I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it
+seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I answer
+angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir!
+Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask
+why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a
+special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the
+word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right in
+letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware, I had not
+yet expressed an opinion as to....
+
+But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to
+look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever, and
+I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I got into
+bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to sleep. I closed
+my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for some minutes
+without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk violently
+through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he thought to
+find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he
+is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue
+sea ... the ships....
+
+I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep? The
+same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity which
+my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the most
+despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize this
+darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if I named
+it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to the sea and
+the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and
+clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms
+that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters,
+hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.
+
+I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such a
+perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I not
+feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden frame! "This
+is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for
+a while and thought over that I was to die.
+
+Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not
+absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"... I
+could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was
+talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I was
+not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my brain that
+I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to
+the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times
+to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my
+fingers, cry and curse....
+
+All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to
+the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer.
+
+Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a
+greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must be
+of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore in my
+body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung myself flat
+on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed glimpse of light,
+sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself
+like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was
+doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had ceased, and
+I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought reached, not a wish
+unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my hands, and waited patiently for
+the dawn.
+
+What a night this had been!
+
+That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But then I
+was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A homeless
+Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.
+
+Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter, ever
+lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet Minister;
+called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of red-tape. My
+fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I only had not been
+thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home! Might I not have the
+honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in
+all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and
+lay down.
+
+By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the
+outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the door.
+This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its
+impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my
+blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close.
+
+I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all haste,
+and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through from last
+night.
+
+"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the
+constable.
+
+Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with fear.
+
+Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all
+homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and one
+by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty repeated
+constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket? Don't
+forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!"
+
+And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one.
+
+"Andreas Tangen--journalist."
+
+I advanced and bowed.
+
+"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"
+
+I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as last
+night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out rather
+late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....
+
+"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well then?"
+
+I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!"
+
+"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning."
+
+And I went!
+
+A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three long
+days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I dared not
+demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They would begin to
+poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover who I really was;
+they might arrest me for false pretences; and so, with elevated head, the
+carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride
+out of the guard-house.
+
+The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the traffic
+in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I slapped my
+pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try and see the
+editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the bustle under me.
+Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put in its appearance
+afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that
+caused me pain.
+
+Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my
+memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him.
+
+Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded me.
+The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains.
+
+Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a
+chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I
+hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade me
+good-morning as usual.
+
+"Fine weather," said he.
+
+"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan of
+a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could; besides
+that, I had written a letter for him once.
+
+He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on
+saying it.
+
+"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be so
+kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days, sir.
+You did me a service once before, so you did."
+
+"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps later
+on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my room.
+
+I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was that
+he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings! God
+bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five shares in
+the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.
+
+And the thought of these five shillings made me
+laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a
+fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth increased,
+and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell
+of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly
+strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and
+I flung open the window to let out this beastly smell.
+"Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table
+--this miserable table that I was forced to support
+with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly,
+and said:
+
+"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the
+Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the
+door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I
+was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave
+utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to
+myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help
+myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep.
+
+My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was
+unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort.
+
+"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how
+passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms are
+like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate of
+beef!"
+
+The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses below
+chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart as a
+child.
+
+I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my
+thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to remember
+it, and I took it out.
+
+It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to
+wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small
+scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a chair
+to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had been
+brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying on the
+table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old green
+blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans
+Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would
+certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on
+my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and
+hurry downstairs.
+
+"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I can
+help you in the afternoon."
+
+Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I determined
+on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office door to see
+if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully out, put them
+back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as I entered.
+
+"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No
+answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the
+provincial papers.
+
+I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.
+
+"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without looking
+up.
+
+How soon would he come?
+
+"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"
+
+How long would the office be open?
+
+To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had not
+once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice, and
+recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I, that he
+doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that is an order
+of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated
+story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to
+his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was obliged to
+peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to put an end to
+this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to Homandsbyen.
+
+Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in the
+attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was a poor
+man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get it just as
+sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as
+I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would get it.
+
+When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring.
+
+"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step inside.
+"I know his room."
+
+"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?" He
+had moved.
+
+Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be sent
+to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number.
+
+I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans
+Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On the
+way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood planing
+outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck one in my
+mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and continued my journey.
+
+
+I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a
+baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price.
+
+"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"
+
+"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there? Well,
+would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters that had
+come for him?
+
+I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who are
+sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm dinner
+from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in its
+place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The
+door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the
+letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on
+the moment of my entrance.
+
+He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I
+explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had such
+a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his card
+fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone home.'"
+
+
+I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with
+fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple of
+times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There was not
+a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any kind. I sat
+and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without coming to any
+conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly
+on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This numb feeling of
+drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the
+stairs.
+
+"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him."
+
+"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the
+holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"
+
+"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when he
+came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning."
+
+When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open
+street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good Lord
+God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up to the
+clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler."
+
+Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my
+attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an
+unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him, my
+child?" It did not sound right!
+
+With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again, "Hast
+thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my voice
+whine, and answer, No!
+
+That didn't sound right either.
+
+You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have
+invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous
+tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that was
+better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o! that's
+right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the
+street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for being such a blockhead,
+whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and stare at me.
+
+I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I
+could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway
+square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for a
+bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and
+trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to
+myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to
+myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf.
+
+The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was bustle
+and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters with cases
+on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams. An old woman,
+a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose down over her
+wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of nice things, and I
+turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole quay with her smell of
+cakes--phew! up with the windows!
+
+I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to him
+the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes;
+but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a rat, and did
+not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too,
+and followed him, firmly determined to convince him of his mistake.
+
+"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I; and
+I slapped him on the shoulders.
+
+"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary
+conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear.
+
+Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render him
+a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would be a
+pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing....
+
+But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in all
+haste, to the other side of the street.
+
+I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and the
+big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther away made
+me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of Weber, to which a
+little girl is singing a mournful strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of
+the organ thrills through my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo.
+A moment later, and I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in
+time to it.
+
+Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is starving.
+I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones, and I float
+out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above the mountains,
+dancing through zones of light!...
+
+"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little tin
+plate; "only a halfpenny."
+
+"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all my
+pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and she goes
+away at once without saying a word.
+
+This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it would
+have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her.
+
+"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe
+tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget
+it. Till tomorrow, then...."
+
+But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she
+never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little street
+wench would not believe in me.
+
+Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give her
+my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a
+moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.
+
+What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was in
+my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished child
+waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to let her
+go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts his way
+through to me, and wants to know what is the row.
+
+"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little girl
+over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand there and
+laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another."
+
+"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he
+gives me a shove on.
+
+"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.
+
+"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However could I
+be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself that it is
+lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking about me,
+towards the editor's office.
+
+It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is shut.
+I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and stand
+irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up against the
+wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is lying glistening at
+my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off
+my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though
+buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as
+good as new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off
+with my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being able
+to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I cried, "See, see;
+it will all come right!" My delight got the upper hand of me, and I at
+once set to cut off the buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I
+held the following hushed soliloquy:
+
+Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when you
+speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons than I
+do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit of mine,
+an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well! But I
+must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you were
+obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes,
+well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are
+out looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well, good-day!
+Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a little late.
+
+Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I
+recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He
+attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently
+busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor.
+
+"Not in, do you hear."
+
+"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I
+continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of the
+civil governor of a Stift or diocese.]
+
+"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"
+
+"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired
+effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in my
+mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked, and
+entered the editor's private office.
+
+"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."
+
+If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I
+felt as if I were on the point of crying and said:
+
+"I beg you will excuse...."
+
+"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I again
+had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his paper. I had
+taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort.
+
+"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is
+certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could
+only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I
+will read it," and he turned to the table again.
+
+There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was
+always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time.
+
+I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained about
+money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for me. Maybe
+it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could I not see
+then that he was sitting at work?
+
+Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.
+
+"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how
+soon shall I call in again?"
+
+"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."
+
+I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed to
+me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather die of
+hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt once more
+the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office without having
+asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of my pocket and
+stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought
+to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered
+your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience
+again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which
+I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever
+heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of his head
+just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable dog! So--o,
+march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll teach you." I
+commenced to run to punish myself, left one street after the other behind
+me at a bound, goaded myself on with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly
+and furiously at myself whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a
+long way up Pyle Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry
+with vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over
+my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and,
+in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to
+keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the
+spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few
+moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though, even
+then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps.
+
+Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and
+drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry; I
+had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now I
+could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself, dealing
+out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and more moved,
+and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an
+inner sobbing without a tear.
+
+I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same place.
+People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children played about
+around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other side of the
+street.
+
+A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.
+
+"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."
+
+"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now
+half-an-hour."
+
+"About that," I replied; "anything more?"
+
+I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I stopped
+and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an answer to give?
+For weariness, you should have replied, and made your voice whining. You
+are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From exhaustion, and you
+should have gasped like a horse.
+
+When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea. I
+snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the
+passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You
+shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose by
+it? and it is such glorious weather!"
+
+I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the
+directory, and started for it.
+
+Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No rubbish,
+if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You are hungry;
+you have come on important business--the first thing needful. But you
+shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a sing-song. You won't!
+What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you
+are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting with the powers of darkness
+and great voiceless monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of;
+you hunger and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone
+so far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to
+bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you
+haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands together,
+and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon
+was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now
+it's quite another thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a
+few shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours,
+12 to 4."
+
+Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your head a
+little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
+
+"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible
+for me to get in God's name yet awhile.
+
+"He has gone out."
+
+Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I intended
+to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long walk? There I
+stood.
+
+"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.
+
+"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was such
+glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a call.
+
+There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to
+attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored
+her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature didn't
+understand it at all.
+
+Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
+
+Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move
+herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
+
+No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just for
+exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the road
+back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to feel
+dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in
+earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour too
+late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches near
+the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for me now!
+I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat
+there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and
+starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and
+sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired
+of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown
+orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at once
+commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins swelled up
+bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought after? Run about the
+whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but keep life in me for a
+few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a matter of indifference if
+the inevitable took place one day earlier or one day later? If I had
+conducted myself like an ordinary being I should have gone home long ago,
+and laid myself down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a
+moment. Now I was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things
+were hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource of
+which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each time I still
+hoped for a possible succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you
+have already begun to die."
+
+I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I
+would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head
+upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the
+green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake. The
+blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the heart. I
+arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres,
+and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green
+blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching
+something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop. Without
+pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over to the bed, and
+roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange thing if this bright idea
+of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely superior to the stupid
+scruples which sprang up in me--half inward cries about a certain stain on
+my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no
+virtuous idiot. I had my senses left.
+
+So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I
+knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell on
+the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters from a
+side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind the
+counter.
+
+"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them in
+a couple of days, without fail--eh?"
+
+"No! they're steel, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"No; can't do it."
+
+"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke.
+Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no
+longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands."
+
+"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he replied;
+and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and said, "No,
+excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either."
+
+"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better on
+the other side."
+
+"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny on
+it anywhere."
+
+"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it might
+go with another old blanket at an auction."
+
+"Well, no; it's no use."
+
+"Three pence?" said I.
+
+"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I took
+it under my arm and went home.
+
+I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again, smoothed
+it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every trace of my
+late action. I could not possibly have been in my right mind at the moment
+when I came to the conclusion to commit this rascally trick. The more I
+thought over it the more unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been
+an attack of weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised
+me when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I had
+half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly offered my
+glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had the opportunity
+of carrying into effect this fault which would have sullied the last hours
+I had to live.
+
+I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the
+seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast, apathetic
+after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And time went by.
+
+I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter outside
+than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not pain quite so
+badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon enough--and I
+dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully.
+
+I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put it
+into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I did
+not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the noise
+of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the air. I
+might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in trying; and
+besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to consider the
+matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction
+of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly
+to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my
+eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once
+more I passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must
+stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to go in
+and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting thought, a flash;
+it could never really have occurred to me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to
+myself, and shook my head, and held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of
+lovers stood in a doorway and talked together softly; a little farther up
+a girl popped her head out of a window. I walked so slowly and
+thoughtfully, that I looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing
+in particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the world
+treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve
+us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I pulled up at once:
+What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to die? I felt over my
+cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two
+hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a
+standstill; I must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes
+were sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the
+very deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for
+sheer hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head that
+couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists that, by
+the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went and
+hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania. Was
+there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day and
+night like a carrier's horse.
+
+I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of my
+head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy prayed
+God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should be a stop
+to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil take a worse
+hold of me.
+
+With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the consciousness
+of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without looking at the
+people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr myself, ran my
+forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms,
+bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed
+insanely each time it hurt much.
+
+Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many times
+on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just going by
+remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked up." I looked
+after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not
+even he understood my real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had
+shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt
+madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was
+to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk.
+There was the haven in which I was to find rest.
+
+Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew
+almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the wind
+and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to the
+guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark of
+light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I had
+not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly painstaking;
+would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round from house to
+house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to
+him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked
+until I brought myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a
+hint from on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so
+far away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest
+between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when times
+were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him for sixpence?
+Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I would ask him for a
+shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for the chief. They showed me
+into his office; there he sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest
+style--running down some accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set
+forth my errand. Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be
+very long till I could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper
+article.... He would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was
+speaking he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had
+finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said,
+"No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word.
+
+My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little
+polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have
+occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It won't be I that will
+do that," he observed; adding, "and let me tell you, at the same time,
+I've had about enough of this."
+
+I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had turned
+myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had not got it.
+Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone all too far with
+me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect through so many hard
+hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging.
+This one day had coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with
+shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the
+pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it availed me?
+
+But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my
+mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself.
+Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the outer
+door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the guard-house
+again.
+
+This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body bent
+forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden the
+stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the
+paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible acquaintances,
+and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it was only seven
+o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours yet before the
+door would be locked. What a fright I had been in!
+
+Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To
+think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it no
+one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I had
+invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help for it.
+Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can
+assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why
+there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of
+oats in the stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was
+shut.
+
+I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty,
+luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought
+about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away
+from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps, though,
+I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an hour. It was
+not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of water, either;
+my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the
+spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all
+yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a
+remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should certainly get a
+penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some place or other, and
+Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper article. I should just see it
+would come out all right. To think that I could really go and forget the
+buttons. I took them out of my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on
+again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply
+went on. Didn't I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark
+evenings, with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had
+vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked to go
+there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my books seemed
+likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was
+almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had written my first small
+poetical attempt, had been bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had
+found a haven with a photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was
+no cause to grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand;
+"Uncle" is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say,
+afraid of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My
+voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my
+heart beat like a sledge-hammer.
+
+He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat on
+the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I had
+brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any use;
+something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are quite an
+annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about the
+buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he give
+me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite
+according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares
+astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he
+liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in.
+
+Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his desk
+without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much, yet, all
+the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This laughter
+was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use trying with my
+eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go in with them; that
+was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if
+he wished, a halfpenny.
+
+"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said
+"Uncle"; I told you that once before."
+
+"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters I
+have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will."
+
+"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with his
+hands.
+
+Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on my
+glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade him
+good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there was
+nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any price, I
+muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it.
+
+Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the office.
+He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made excuses, and I
+turned round and looked after him.
+
+"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He
+came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do you
+look like? What were you doing in there?"
+
+"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."
+
+"Yes; what were you in with?"
+
+My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched out
+my hand with the buttons in it.
+
+"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far."
+
+"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my
+breast.
+
+"No; wait a minute," he said.
+
+What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle,"
+bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for
+several days--owed his landlady?
+
+"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."
+
+"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well tell
+you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better you come
+in along with me."
+
+I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and
+answered:
+
+"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven,
+and...."
+
+"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing with
+the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you hungry
+sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in.
+
+
+
+
+Part III
+
+
+A week passed in glory and gladness.
+
+I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and my
+courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.
+
+I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain of
+every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I wrote
+with more facility than before.
+
+The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I
+had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor; and,
+angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately, without even
+re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper in order to open
+up more fields for my work.
+
+Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the
+worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the
+wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to Archangel,
+or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of openings on many
+sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with me. My hair fell out
+in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches, particularly in the
+morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the
+day with my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the
+touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable door
+underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to bark, it
+thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me from every
+side. I was pretty well played out.
+
+Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it
+took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time
+both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes and
+written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas which
+might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened here and
+there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled at sentence
+after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my
+articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into
+my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made
+some arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few
+pence left.
+
+The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be
+disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.
+
+I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an enormous
+paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones and all. I
+felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this dragon's
+mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive rejected work,
+newly crushed hopes.
+
+"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.
+
+"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the 28th,"
+and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of letters in their
+envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and lays down his pen. Then
+he swings round on his chair, and looks at me. Observing that I am still
+standing near the door, he makes a half-serious, half-playful motion with
+his hand, and points to a chair.
+
+I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when I
+open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.
+
+"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but perhaps
+it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."
+
+He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them. His
+face is turned towards me.
+
+And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I had
+already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised the
+greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is curly, and
+his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a habit of tweaking
+his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look milder than this
+truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars wherever it
+attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes over me in the
+presence of this man. The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and
+I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he
+had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor bungling
+wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it was....
+
+He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat and
+considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I stretch out
+my hand a little, and say:
+
+"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give
+him the impression that I take it easily.
+
+"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us," he
+replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and write
+something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that people
+understand better?"
+
+His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is rejected,
+and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to take up his
+time any longer, I reply:
+
+"Oh yes, I daresay I can."
+
+I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up
+his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.
+
+"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in advance;
+you can write for it, you know."
+
+Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
+humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
+
+"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much, all
+the same. Good-day!"
+
+"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his desk
+again.
+
+He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
+grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I made
+a resolution not to return to him until I could take something with me,
+that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the "commandor"
+a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign without a
+moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once more.
+
+During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and
+the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
+
+As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
+and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
+lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
+
+She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass her
+by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same thick
+veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that she
+carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the handle.
+This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always in the
+same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and goes down
+the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I
+became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object
+of her visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of
+asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my assistance in
+any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly dressed, as I
+unfortunately was, I might protect her through the dark streets; but I had
+an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me something; a glass of
+wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all. My distressingly empty
+pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon me, and I had not even the
+courage to scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more
+taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since yesterday
+evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had often been able to
+hold out for a couple of days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to
+fall off seriously; I could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to
+do. A single day made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual
+retching the moment I tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay
+and shivered all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the
+daytime, lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy
+shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep
+out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the
+sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.
+
+I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself alive
+until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I would try
+to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of hours if I
+once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on the "commandor."
+
+
+I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young
+acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I
+passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at which
+men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of the
+cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding my man.
+
+Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and
+took the direction to the Palace.
+
+Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my
+hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides, with
+the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my hands
+thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky stars
+the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight months, not
+the common food necessary to hold body and soul together for the space of
+one short week, before want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into
+the bargain, gone and kept straight and honourable all through my
+misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve
+me, what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had even
+gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans Pauli's
+blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my delicate
+rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could not find words
+half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity. Let it only happen
+now! Were I to find at this moment a schoolgirl's savings or a poor
+widow's only penny, I would snatch it up and pocket it; steal it
+deliberately, and sleep the whole night through like a top. I had not
+suffered so unspeakably much for nothing--my patience was gone--I was
+prepared to do anything.
+
+I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the
+conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park and
+went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets were
+fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet pairs
+and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had commenced, the
+pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full swing--and the hour of
+merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats, one or two still short,
+sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far
+down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a
+swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.
+
+I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion that
+thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the dim
+light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to affect
+me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling admissions,
+concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are
+declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not
+possess even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to
+be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began again to
+think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have stolen a
+schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet, that I would have
+brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and caroused with the proceeds.
+
+In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take to
+picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my
+shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as they
+pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who fancy they
+are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a
+sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants,
+flâneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to
+fall down in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place
+at their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man or a
+stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray,
+mount!
+
+I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I felt
+enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped
+acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes. I
+lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep my
+own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who
+looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Good-night!" She stopped.
+
+Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a risk
+in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes; but was
+she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked to go
+along home with any one?
+
+She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see what I
+really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my arm, and
+said:
+
+"Yes, and we went too!"
+
+I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the car-stand
+I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:
+
+"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.
+
+At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my
+pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called me
+a dry cod.
+
+"Good-night!" said I.
+
+"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got gold?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.
+
+A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:
+
+"You can come with me all the same!"
+
+I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I
+said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a
+place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.
+
+"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."
+
+"But I won't go with you in this way."
+
+"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."
+
+"No," I answered.
+
+But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this unique
+street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.
+
+"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now, Mary!"
+and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and more
+astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that I, too,
+was one of those who went about the street at night and ran after little
+girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps said anything
+rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had done when one was
+actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her,
+and accompanied her those few paces, to see how far she would go on with
+it. For the rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night;
+depart, and sin no more!" With these words I left her.
+
+I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized
+aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps I
+had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life; save
+her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it when she
+came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful
+heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous!
+
+My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to face
+anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might perhaps
+complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in my hand;
+hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring a candle.
+There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my writing
+materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened the door,
+and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I locked the door
+from the outside, and planted myself under the light. All around was
+quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in
+Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked.
+There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears,
+and commenced to think with all my might.
+
+It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to
+find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a
+rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite
+imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding
+finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as
+startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop. But
+the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from the
+commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to
+crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax.
+And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the
+constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from me,
+spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I stood and
+strove for a striking climax to an article for the _Commandor_? Lord,
+how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head above water, no
+matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space of an hour. The
+constable went his way. The cold began to get too intense for me to keep
+still. Disheartened and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the
+door again, and went up to my room.
+
+It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense
+darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about
+warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a
+long time now, with all my clothes on.
+
+The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set to
+work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded by then
+in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not found an
+ending.
+
+I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try
+and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was
+snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the paving-stones
+and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took aimless turns to
+and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my head carefully against
+the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger on the floor, and then
+listened attentively, all without any object, but quietly and pensively as
+if it were some matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the
+while I murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own voice.
+
+But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as before.
+After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself sharply
+together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could. There must be
+an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set myself resolutely to
+again.
+
+A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a score
+of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try and
+advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was incapable of
+more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself to gaze with wide
+open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at
+these strange, shaky letters that bristled up from the paper like small
+hairy creeping things, till at last I could neither make head nor tail of
+any of it. I thought on nothing.
+
+Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and tramp
+of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables as he
+chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my lips a
+little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest was in a
+pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more together, grew
+weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm my fingers a little
+I stroked them through my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small
+loose tufts came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered
+over the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as if
+it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to
+shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a
+mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my
+sore chest permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was
+dying helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof.
+At length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.
+Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.
+
+Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I shut
+my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.
+
+I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled from
+it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither was the
+wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I shook my head,
+went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it round the sore
+place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes filled with tears;
+I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly
+pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom
+grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my finale
+through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle. My head was
+clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I did not suffer
+particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as some hours
+previously. I could hold out well till the next day. Perhaps I might be
+able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to the provision shop and
+explained my situation--I was so well known in there; in the good old
+days, when I had the means to do it, I used to buy many a loaf there.
+There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the strength of my honest
+name; and for the first time for ages I took to brushing my clothes a
+little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on
+my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.
+
+When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps
+rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On no
+account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a
+condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old
+story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would never
+get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor" before he
+had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the
+candle. With that I entered the shop.
+
+A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small parcels
+in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The shopman, who
+knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman, and packs
+without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it over to me.
+
+"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I
+say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my
+chance of getting what I want.
+
+My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it
+was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.
+
+"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself
+with the woman's parcels again.
+
+She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of
+which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are alone.
+He says:
+
+"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes
+one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my request
+over my lips.
+
+"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply
+asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count some
+silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He gives me
+back change for a crown.
+
+"Much obliged," he says.
+
+Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am conscious
+something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think about
+anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth which is
+lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money mechanically.
+
+I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I
+take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a
+certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather
+collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare at
+these things.
+
+The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take my
+time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers strewn
+over the counter:
+
+"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"
+
+"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in
+earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it is
+none too soon."
+
+I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if it
+were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,
+involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.
+
+"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.
+
+I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the door-handle,
+and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that the shop-boy
+replied to me.
+
+I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn
+open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into my
+hand, and prepared to give it back.
+
+"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.
+
+"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,
+down the street, bearing it in my hand.
+
+My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a
+lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite of
+all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly helped--helped for
+a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the money into my pocket, and
+walked on.
+
+Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in my
+mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a little
+refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates inside, and the
+sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too strong for me--I
+entered.
+
+"A helping of beef," I say.
+
+"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.
+
+I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared to
+wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably well
+concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and then the
+waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was
+accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades
+were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help
+for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the
+shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go any
+farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to live more
+honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract that....
+
+"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"
+
+"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down into
+the kitchen.
+
+But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to get
+suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread, and
+the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible that
+he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there. Well,
+then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.
+
+"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the table,
+"wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark here?"
+
+"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me at
+once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains into her
+hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun, with the
+tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy yourself a
+farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."
+
+I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed
+whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way at
+every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.
+
+The waitress came over to me again.
+
+"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little towards
+me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and dropped her
+eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ... from me ...
+without ... that is, if you will...."
+
+"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."
+
+She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head. What a
+singular creature!
+
+When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The
+waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show myself
+too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected the depth
+of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left.
+
+The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could not
+keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a little at
+every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this nausea which
+threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and tried to fight it
+down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down furiously whatever sought
+to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head
+foremost, blinded with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited
+once more. I was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the
+street.... I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that
+persecuted me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments
+for their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate, really
+little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that.
+
+I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great
+haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had been
+starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I said; he
+couldn't even keep beef down.
+
+"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the man,
+astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"
+
+"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad
+notion;" and I go.
+
+I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for some boiled
+milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it greedily,
+every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road home.
+
+Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the
+lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I get
+a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black again. The
+same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be no mistake
+about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth time. She is
+standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar that I
+involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good
+working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last
+meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of
+entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me. Without
+rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go straight up to the
+lady, look her in the face, and bow.
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+"Good-evening," she answers.
+
+Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before; could I
+be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way, so
+earnestly for inquiring.
+
+Yes; she didn't quite know....
+
+No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself; it
+was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She was
+certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.
+
+At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for anybody.
+I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she stops.
+
+Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after
+evening, just for a whim's sake!
+
+That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed me
+more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in my
+pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass of
+wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had come, ha,
+ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely....
+
+Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that; but
+would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was rather
+dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up Carl Johann
+after it got so late.
+
+We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling
+empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her
+the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated
+from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet breath
+every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated in an
+ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of
+a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved
+out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I
+surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me, making me
+idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not endure it
+any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers over her
+shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.
+
+"How queer you are," said I.
+
+"Am I, really; in what way?"
+
+Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a
+stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just for
+a whim's sake....
+
+Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked
+staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great fancy
+for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?
+
+I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed before
+twelve o'clock at night.
+
+Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little tour
+in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She lived up in
+St. Olav's Place.
+
+"Ylajali," I cried.
+
+"I beg pardon?"
+
+"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."
+
+She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her mother,
+to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there anything odd
+in her liking to get out for a little?
+
+"No, not at all," I replied.
+
+"No? well, what then?"
+
+I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.
+
+Hadn't she a sister?
+
+Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did
+I know that? She had gone to Hamburg.
+
+"Lately?"
+
+"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?
+
+I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.
+
+We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;
+otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli a
+long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky is
+clear.
+
+"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,
+suddenly looking at me.
+
+Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known at
+once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was
+delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a while
+longer. So I lied. I answered:
+
+"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have you
+seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"
+
+"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"
+
+Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into that
+blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled with
+shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and lean face;
+perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....
+
+"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"
+
+And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a
+few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one
+expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest me
+in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is
+standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon
+them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that didn't
+know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie
+with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?
+
+Yes; I was certainly right in that.
+
+It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar
+savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the
+total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks of
+a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in space;
+in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures hovering
+over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored
+her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me.
+If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her the
+pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make out this
+creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be accompanied up the
+whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked beggar. What, in the name of
+God, was she thinking of? And why was I walking there, giving myself airs,
+and smiling idiotically at nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either,
+for letting myself be worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad
+bird? Mayhap it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death
+go right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against
+us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for
+many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even
+a little milk into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I
+might perhaps be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me,
+and let me go to the deuce?...
+
+I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I said:
+
+"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you
+right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is
+positively true; I mean it."
+
+She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims
+suddenly:
+
+"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" I queried.
+
+"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now"; and
+she walked on a little faster.
+
+We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.
+Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.
+
+"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your name
+before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your veil so
+that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."
+
+A pause. I walked on in expectation.
+
+"You have seen me before," she replies.
+
+"Ylajali," I say again.
+
+"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home. Were
+you tipsy that time?"
+
+I could hear again that she smiled.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."
+
+"That was horrid of you!"
+
+And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.
+
+We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted windows
+of No. 2.
+
+"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for
+coming so far."
+
+I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood bareheaded. I
+wonder if she will give me her hand.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a
+low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only
+would!"
+
+"Yes; but only a little way."
+
+And we turned round.
+
+I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my head
+or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned it
+topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to me as
+if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had expressly
+willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own desire. I walk on
+and look at her, and get more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me
+to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my
+humble position, my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course
+madly through my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and
+resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.
+
+"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your
+sister."
+
+"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She
+stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She puts
+the question in all sober earnest.
+
+"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the two
+ladies who went on in front of me."
+
+"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,
+heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just to
+get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may just
+wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."
+
+We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do not
+know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me once
+before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with me, and
+I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that time too,
+more's the shame.
+
+Why did she think that?
+
+Oh, I had laughed so.
+
+"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."
+
+"But now not any more?"
+
+"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."
+
+We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we
+returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain once
+more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any farther
+with her.
+
+"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.
+
+"Yes, I suppose I must."
+
+But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door with
+her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could there?
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me clearly.
+How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken down? Here I
+stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured by hunger,
+unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink into the
+earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and said:
+
+"May I not meet you any more then?"
+
+I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for a
+sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.
+
+"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.
+
+"When?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+A pause....
+
+"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I
+asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one
+moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."
+
+Another pause....
+
+"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"
+
+"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."
+
+"At eight o'clock."
+
+"Very well."
+
+I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for
+touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.
+
+"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling
+again.
+
+"No."
+
+Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her
+forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.
+
+"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my neck
+and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly, bewilderingly
+swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom heaved; she was
+breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out of my clasp, called
+a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs
+without a word more....
+
+The hall door shut.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain; great
+wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was raw and
+icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of confusion,
+my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the agitation of that
+delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while awake and fancied
+Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced myself and kissed
+the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of
+milk, and straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry,
+but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition.
+
+I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I
+might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on under
+my coat; it didn't matter what.
+
+I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to
+examine it.
+
+While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called up
+to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a designer,
+and was on the way to his office.
+
+"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I haven't
+much time.... What lady was that you were walking with yesterday evening?"
+
+"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare
+thought. "Supposing it was my _fiancée_."
+
+"By Jove!" he exclaimed.
+
+"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."
+
+This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in the
+most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer, drank it,
+and left.
+
+"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few shillings.
+It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but now you shall
+have them during the next few days."
+
+"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back the
+few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately to my
+head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed me--made
+me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she
+were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious
+of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew
+afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its
+details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the
+money, and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt
+when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no, only on
+my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk taking down the
+evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the
+occasion--his look, his threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell,
+the eternally dark....
+
+Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked
+faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.
+
+Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I had
+stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if it
+should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his
+situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!
+
+But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me no
+peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced that I
+had been happier before, during the period in which I had suffered in all
+honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with the touch of my
+sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat,
+jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake woman who was
+sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even
+yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would
+show the whole world that I was capable of doing so.
+
+On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it in
+my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted something,
+clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I spoke not a word,
+turned on my heel, and went my way.
+
+What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once
+more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a delightful
+feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole matter
+thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret anguish; I had
+really thought about it with dread and shuddering time upon time. I was no
+hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled against such a low action.
+God be praised, I had raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I
+have done!" I said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place--
+"only just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to
+such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children
+wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections
+and considered that I had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be
+praised! The money was out of my hands now!
+
+Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with me.
+I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it was as
+if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my shoulders. I
+felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something astounding, to
+set the whole town in a ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted
+myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran
+riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a
+commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to take
+hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and leave him again
+without any explanation. I distinguished every nuance in the voice and
+laughter of the passers-by, observed some little birds that hopped before
+me in the street, took to studying the expression of the paving-stones,
+and discovered all sorts of tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I
+arrive at length at Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and
+look at the droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and
+laughing. The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go
+ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to
+the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and
+we rolled off.
+
+On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times into
+the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too, grown
+suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had attracted
+his attention.
+
+"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with
+him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop
+outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third
+storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals
+inside.
+
+A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold
+drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She looks
+at me with a frightened air.
+
+I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a
+wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....
+
+The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.
+
+She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no effort
+to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the person I
+inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a bit. The
+lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran downstairs again.
+
+"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.
+
+"Wasn't he there?"
+
+"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent
+excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver. He
+evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove on,
+without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.
+
+"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.
+
+"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."
+
+And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to
+make any mistake about.
+
+"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"
+
+"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is a
+tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most
+inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.
+
+"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"
+
+"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name
+doesn't disgrace any one."
+
+"Hasn't he red hair?"
+
+Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the driver
+mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was right. I felt
+grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him that he had hit
+the man off to a T--he really was just as he described him,--and I
+remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see such a man
+without red hair.
+
+"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a
+knobbed stick."
+
+This brought the man vividly before me, and I
+said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen
+the man without a knobbed stick in his hand, of
+that you can be certain, quite certain."
+
+Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized
+him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they touched
+the stones.
+
+All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my
+presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69. This
+number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like a
+splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.
+
+I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched under
+the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and commenced to I
+talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my brain, and I let it
+rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to influences over which I
+have no control. I begin to laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace
+of cause, still merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I
+have drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more
+and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it down
+inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The
+driver pulls up.
+
+I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy. I
+go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come to a
+door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a sort of
+anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on top of the
+other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over
+which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I hear voices and
+the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an
+iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter.
+
+I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,
+without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."
+
+It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is
+waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of being
+conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who has
+spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I believe,
+and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had vanished from
+my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which came and went in
+turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom.
+
+In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid and
+weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great moist
+flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I sat down
+to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much astonishment.
+I fell a-thinking.
+
+Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so heartily
+tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find it worth the
+trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity had gained the
+upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become so strangely
+poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once had been; my
+shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had contracted a habit
+of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what
+little I could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my
+room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn the
+same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale sweat, and
+had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of the sore place; it
+did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to have this tender place in
+the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of
+its own accord. I washed it, dried it carefully, and put on the same
+shirt. There was no help for it, it....
+
+I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I
+loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost
+coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel
+myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the whole
+of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from feeling it
+envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end now, I would
+heartily, gladly die!
+
+Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation, I
+rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the way I
+passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a
+plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the right."
+Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former room in
+Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the
+lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's
+new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one
+night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write
+anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I would
+put an end to it now; and I went on and on.
+
+As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the half-conscious
+feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to stick to my purpose;
+I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the steps. At the door I met a
+little girl who was carrying a cup in her hands, and I slipped past her
+and opened the door. The shop boy and I stand face to face alone for the
+second time.
+
+"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did this
+going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I got
+furious, and cried:
+
+"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."
+
+This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain fails
+him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of five
+shillings.
+
+"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently, and
+I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to use force
+if he doesn't come to the point.
+
+But the poor man has no misgivings.
+
+Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this
+world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all
+happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had
+lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over
+it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from one
+foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make signs to
+hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:
+
+"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"
+
+"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate
+him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster
+head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered my
+head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that was
+opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.
+
+"What did you do with it, then?"
+
+"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must
+understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the
+poor so....
+
+He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious as
+to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:
+
+"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"
+
+"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in any
+way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I stand and
+explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of being ashamed
+as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me. Therefore I wash
+my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!'
+Good-day."
+
+I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room, into
+the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in my knees
+from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high horse, and
+sank together once more.
+
+I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by the
+throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a
+lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake of
+his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five shillings
+that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of his fear, had
+tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with every loud word
+that I had roared out. And the master himself had perhaps been sitting
+inside the inner room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come
+out and inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the
+low things I might be tempted to do.
+
+Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I
+would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would not
+have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would have
+assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for one happy
+second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me only this
+once!...
+
+I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might die
+during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a little,
+so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the morning. I folded
+my hands and chose my position.
+
+All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten her
+the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so faintly into
+my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so blessedly warm;
+and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy light that caresses me
+with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns
+sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated
+brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a
+heaven and earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of
+fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in
+brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom!
+
+And I saw and heard no more....
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body bathed
+in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I had no
+clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in amazement,
+felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely failed to recognize
+myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my legs, was struck with
+astonishment that the window was where it was, and not in the opposite
+wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as
+if it came from above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish.
+
+My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my elbow
+and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches. My feet
+had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me no pain,
+only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.
+
+As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little
+dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a little. I
+felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my balance and
+spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much, and I did not
+cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad. On the contrary, I
+was blissfully content. It did not strike me just then that anything could
+be otherwise than it was.
+
+Then I went out.
+
+The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that the
+thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be sensible of
+a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which grew steadily
+worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast; carrying on a
+silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of diminutive
+gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed for a little,
+then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a little more, then lay
+quite still for a moment's space, and then began afresh, boring
+noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere
+after them as they went on....
+
+I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to the
+market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome; at last
+I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market and Market
+Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and I had just
+stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice the place I
+was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the noise around me
+was something frightful.
+
+Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear it
+quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly as my
+bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me, and the
+wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little quicker if I had
+exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a
+couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in
+my shoes.
+
+The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the
+van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have been
+worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't think
+any bones were broken. Oh, pray....
+
+I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who
+stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;
+comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was
+bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed to
+pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and saw
+blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side; it was
+not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they were; he
+looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I had begged
+him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He
+would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return,
+wherever he is!...
+
+I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my
+shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed my
+chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got dark I
+jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and sat on the
+edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and took to chewing
+it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and unseeing eyes,
+staring straight into space. I could hear a group of little children
+playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some
+pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.
+
+All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars underneath
+me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the balustrade to the
+other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the steps. When I had
+nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I called up the archway
+leading to the stairs, and made a threatening backward gesture, as if I
+were talking to a dog up there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I
+met.
+
+"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said; "only
+a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him something
+to carry in his mouth."
+
+I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a
+morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily
+that he looked at me in amazement.
+
+"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.
+
+"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I
+ascended the steps again.
+
+My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of the
+passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and stopped
+outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no light to
+be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I began to gnaw
+at the bone.
+
+It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced to
+vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it down, it
+would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a matter of
+forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew wild, bit
+angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down by sheer
+strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as the little
+fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came again, worse
+luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from sheer
+helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone
+got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried
+as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers
+that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.
+
+Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the most
+fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with gnashing
+teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy me a little,
+comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it avails me naught,
+I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the most impotent hate;
+shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely,
+and bend my fingers like claws, with ill-suppressed fury....
+
+I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you did,
+I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire of hell!
+I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed me; and I turn
+my back on you for all eternity, because you did not know your time of
+visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and yet I mock you! You
+Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the face--I tell you, I
+would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I
+tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness;
+and I choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the
+devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!
+
+I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most
+crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you have
+filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots from here
+below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at their hour of
+death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and you know not, you
+omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my
+life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock
+you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could,
+breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop
+in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom, and curse
+the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's boundless
+miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all thy works and all
+thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell on you again, and tear
+out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell you, if you exist, my
+last word in life or in death--I bid you farewell, for all time and
+eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and reins. I bid you the last
+irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and turn my back on you and go my
+way.... Quiet.
+
+I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,
+still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the violent
+crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied outburst of rage.
+I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the
+door. Then I hear voices--a conversation between two men who are coming
+down the passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls
+of the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog along
+Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar direction. It
+occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the corner of the
+market-place, the stores for loose materials, the old booths for
+second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the place--they spoilt the
+whole appearance of the market, and were a blot on the town, Fie! away
+with the rubbish! And I turned over in my mind as I walked on what it
+would cost to remove the Geographical Survey down there--that handsome
+building which had always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It
+would perhaps not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under
+two or three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must
+admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a
+start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy
+enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling
+over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I
+had a feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really
+singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it
+did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down
+town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would,
+for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to
+die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot
+throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping up
+through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular distress.
+I had endured worse sensations.
+
+In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no
+noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor
+slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a lame
+man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped him
+instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun had
+sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under the man's
+nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"
+which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been
+smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.
+
+Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.
+
+He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?
+
+The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the air;
+it dangles a little.
+
+"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"
+
+"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the
+_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand,
+reckoned in good old geographical miles.
+
+"To Holmestrand? I should think..."
+
+"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"
+
+"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."
+
+"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again. "You
+wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of tobacco--only
+just a tiny scrap?"
+
+I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made no
+use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye on
+me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or another.
+Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look following
+me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn round, and,
+dragging myself back to him, say:
+
+"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at him
+as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It was as
+if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I stare for
+a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to
+the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his
+gaze fixed upon me.
+
+"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a
+feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him
+before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat. It
+seemed to me an eternity since that day.
+
+Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against a
+house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.
+Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not
+succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to
+the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the
+"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from
+the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his
+compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to
+walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.
+
+Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He
+slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would have
+called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"
+
+"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it
+finished, then?"
+
+"No, it didn't get finished."
+
+My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I
+cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor" tweaks
+his nose and looks at me.
+
+"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.
+
+"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,
+but...."
+
+"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve
+yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.
+
+This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to the
+wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands me
+half-a-sovereign.
+
+He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign, reiterating
+at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to death. I
+stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is shameful of
+me to ... it was really too much....
+
+"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the
+train; I hear it coming now."
+
+I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't
+even thank him once.
+
+"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor" at
+last. "I know you can write for it."
+
+And so off he went.
+
+When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not
+thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but could
+not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near tumbling on
+my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave up the attempt;
+thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when after all I did
+muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he was already at too
+great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.
+
+I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly and
+silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me half-a-
+sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood, imitated
+all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened eyes,
+inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the top of my
+voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in my hand was
+half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown
+very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11
+Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and
+wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into
+the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for shelter
+and was immediately supplied with a bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Tuesday.
+
+Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.
+There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter everywhere.
+The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets, golden-tinted from the
+sun-light, azure from the sky....
+
+At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found
+fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,
+and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented streets
+and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a turn up St.
+Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of No. 2. In an hour
+I would see her. I went about the whole time in a state of tremulous,
+delicious dread. What would happen? What should I say when she came down
+the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with
+the smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her.
+
+I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl
+Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the clocks
+struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the way it
+struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late, and I
+quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore, otherwise
+nothing ailed me.
+
+I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a long
+while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come. Well, I
+would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I waited on. It
+couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had my first meeting
+with her only existed in imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began
+in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all sure.
+
+"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps
+near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide staircase
+before me.
+
+"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my hat
+at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way.
+
+"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little quickly
+after her walk.
+
+"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And besides,
+would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way, that you
+would come from another direction."
+
+"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with
+them."
+
+"Oh, indeed," I say.
+
+We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the
+corner, looking at us.
+
+"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops.
+
+"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish."
+
+"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."
+
+A pause.
+
+Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:
+
+"I see it's dark up in your windows."
+
+"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too, so
+I am all alone at home."
+
+We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us had
+seen them before.
+
+"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the door
+the whole time if you like."
+
+But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had perhaps
+been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave me. Suppose I
+were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of mine! I waited
+despairingly for her reply.
+
+"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it
+right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall certainly
+not sit down by the door."
+
+We went up.
+
+Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led me
+on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could very
+well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a lamp she
+lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a little
+laugh:
+
+"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am
+so ashamed, but I will never do it again."
+
+"What will you never do again?"
+
+"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss you
+again!"
+
+"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to her,
+and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table. We
+stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right between us.
+
+
+"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize hold
+of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took off her
+hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements. I made a
+fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot refusing to
+bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion.
+
+"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of
+you."
+
+"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.
+
+"It seems to me you limp."
+
+"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter."
+
+"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is
+awful the number of afflictions you have."
+
+"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."
+
+"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young
+man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear
+grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door; you
+are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's it ...
+ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and do
+everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for example, you
+might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair; you could
+easily have thought of that much out of your own head, couldn't you? But
+if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't
+believe what was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it
+several times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade
+me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to be
+otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were tipsy--when
+you followed me straight home and worried me with your witticisms. 'You
+are losing your book, madam; you are quite certainly losing your book,
+madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really shameless of you."
+
+I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood
+raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment in
+it!
+
+"Why don't you say something?"
+
+"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting
+thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly
+fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most extraordinary
+creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I never saw their
+match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no, perhaps, not like
+flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love with you, and it is
+so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a
+chance for me.... What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you
+are called."
+
+"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that
+again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes,
+that is to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--"
+
+"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like that?
+It has a gliding sound...."
+
+"Ylajali?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is that a foreign language?"
+
+"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"
+
+"Well, it isn't ugly!"
+
+After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated herself
+close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with her foot, and
+we began to chatter afresh.
+
+"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a little
+better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap better. Don't
+imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and you had a dirty
+rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that state you absolutely
+wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with you--thanks, not me!"
+
+"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you would
+not go with me?" I said.
+
+"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't even
+think about it."
+
+"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the
+delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And
+that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor."
+
+She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, worse luck, I am."
+
+After an interval.
+
+"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of her
+head.
+
+Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of
+wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a little
+on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could feel her
+breath brush my face.
+
+"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when I
+went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if you lay
+on it ... and then I went to sleep."
+
+"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be from
+a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for otherwise...."
+
+"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"
+
+"No, I don't believe it."
+
+"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm around
+her waist.
+
+"Can I?" was all she said.
+
+It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being so
+utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and seized her
+hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away from me. That
+just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and looked out
+through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too wretched a
+condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any one in
+particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her during the
+time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in my old,
+well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt
+fearfully downcast!
+
+"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub you
+with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving a
+little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with
+tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either.
+
+"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I flung
+my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the girl out
+of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I
+would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was backward on
+that score. The creature was possessed by the devil himself! If it were
+only a matter of going at it, well....
+
+She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us
+spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against my
+breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both hers
+and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats.
+
+I kissed her.
+
+I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at,
+whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many
+times....
+
+She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of
+her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down my
+shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair there
+is."
+
+"Yes," I reply.
+
+"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"
+
+"Don't know."
+
+"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I won't
+say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed that of you!
+To think that you, who are so young, already should lose your hair! Now,
+do please just tell me what sort of way you really spend your life--I am
+certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do you hear; no evasions.
+Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide anything--there, tell now!"
+
+"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."
+
+"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you are....
+Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."
+
+It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of
+thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she had
+as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself worthy
+of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person almost
+angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up to date on
+my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related truth. I made out
+nothing any worse than it was; it was not my intention to rouse her
+compassion. I told her also that I had stolen five shillings one evening.
+
+She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining eyes
+completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to disperse the
+sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up.
+
+"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a thing
+happening again; I am saved now...."
+
+But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said,
+then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent
+after each "the Lord preserve me."
+
+I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up to
+my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was I
+more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental in
+causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of me if I
+had made myself out to be a _roué_?... No nonsense now;... it was
+just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at
+it, so, by the living...
+
+"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing
+words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"
+
+I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!"
+
+"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you
+followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"
+
+"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."
+
+"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."
+
+"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"
+
+"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!"
+
+I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if
+inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a
+despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper.
+
+"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...."
+
+I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was
+struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me
+leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naïve. I could have fallen
+down and knelt before her.
+
+"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...."
+
+She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on the
+sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very ill at
+ease.
+
+She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.
+
+"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing she
+said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to put it
+on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the fireplace. So
+that it should not appear as if she had shown me the door, I said:
+
+"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave.
+
+"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"
+
+"I didn't know; it just came into my head."
+
+"That was odd."
+
+"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"
+
+She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my
+presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the
+door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I
+stood and waited.
+
+"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly standing
+over near the fireplace.
+
+I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without
+saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to come
+of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her out
+that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost to me,
+and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting
+word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the
+face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold,
+disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling
+word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless fashion.
+Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and straightly to go my way?
+I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was no need of feeling embarrassed
+about it. Instead of reminding me that the girl would soon come home, she
+could have simply said as follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and
+fetch my mother, and I won't have your escort through the street." So it
+was not that she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the
+same she had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require
+much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her
+jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said
+before, I had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was
+at the root of it....
+
+"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my
+mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come over
+to me.
+
+I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the
+painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went
+home, and all the same I did not cease.
+
+At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not
+insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and
+died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a
+nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened certain
+powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you
+honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its advantages. It
+helped me in certain situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far
+nicer observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about him
+at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he hears from
+the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this way a task for
+his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and
+sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the
+fire....
+
+And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I
+talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a
+couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that I
+tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the same.
+At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her in rude
+enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched by her
+heart-stricken expression. I cried:
+
+"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my hand
+on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might answer
+me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I don't
+even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell me, why
+didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't get in your
+way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once, as if you
+didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare,
+made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but,
+indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing
+is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or give
+me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I will only
+kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the floor before you,
+only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not to do it then, I see.
+You are getting afraid. I will not, I will not do it; do you hear? Lord,
+why do you get so terrified. I am standing quite still; I am not moving. I
+would have knelt down on the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that
+patch of red, at your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once
+in your eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't
+move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as
+I stand now when I point out the place to you where I would have knelt
+before you, over there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even
+point with my finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten
+you. I only nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly
+well which rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid
+of me, and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have
+the heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either,
+any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I
+worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had
+too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is true!
+God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie. There, you can
+see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I did it; I can get
+credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good
+deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food all the same, because I
+forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you
+don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...."
+
+She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at
+her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did she
+only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she had
+tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her mouth;
+I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a sacrifice
+as a means of putting an end to all this.
+
+She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite of
+all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear
+aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself
+impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for a
+little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold, and
+stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was forcing
+herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said:
+
+"What a darling you are now!"
+
+More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to the
+door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me.
+
+
+
+
+Part IV
+
+
+Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy, dark,
+and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the whole week
+through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the streets, and yet
+people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound, the clang of the
+church bells, the jingling of the harness of the droske horses, the
+people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything, sounded choked and
+jangling through the close air, that penetrated and muffled everything.
+
+Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same.
+
+And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely
+bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found
+shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long
+since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a
+right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said
+nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In this
+way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to writing
+again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together that satisfied
+me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove
+early and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune
+had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.
+
+It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat and
+made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the first
+evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got. All the
+time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in getting together
+an article on some subject or another, so that I could pay for my room,
+and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I worked on so
+persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from which I
+expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon
+which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander"
+in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent this
+time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it only was a
+matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why shouldn't the spirit
+move me? Why should it not come over me even now, at a very early date?
+There was no longer anything the matter with me. My landlady gave me a
+little food every day, some bread and butter, mornings and evenings, and
+my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands
+when I wrote; and I could stare down into the street from my window on the
+second floor without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it
+was becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already
+finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was....
+
+But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had
+really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on this
+day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me to look
+over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she said; it didn't
+agree with her own book; but she had not been able to find out the
+mistake.
+
+I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at me.
+I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the total
+right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I looked at the
+woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed at the same time
+that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention, and yet I did not
+stare in any way scrutinizingly at her.
+
+"The total is right," said I.
+
+"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so
+much; I am positive of it."
+
+And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp chimney,
+3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any particularly shrewd
+head to run up these rows of figures--this little huckster account in
+which nothing very complex occurred. I tried honestly to find the error
+that the woman spoke about, but couldn't succeed. After I had muddled
+about with these figures for some minutes I felt that, unfortunately,
+everything commenced to dance about in my head; I could no longer
+distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came
+to a dead stop at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at
+9d." My brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese,
+and got no farther.
+
+"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in despair.
+"Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese entered--ha, ha!
+did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you can see for yourself."
+
+
+"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch
+cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five
+ounces."
+
+"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in
+truth I understood nothing more whatever.
+
+I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have
+totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought
+over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes
+reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to give
+it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was as if
+something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the impression that
+I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number
+aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if
+I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I said:
+
+"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no
+mistake, as far as I can see."
+
+"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well
+that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash of
+contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never heard
+from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed to reckon
+in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to some one who
+had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly revised. She
+said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but
+thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said,
+without looking at me:
+
+"Excuse me for taking up your time then."
+
+Off she went.
+
+A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could
+hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned back.
+
+"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a little
+owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks yesterday
+since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to keep things
+going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging on credit,
+more's the...."
+
+I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you about
+before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall have
+your money; you can make yourself quite easy...."
+
+"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."
+
+"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps
+already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me some
+time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter of an
+hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other
+people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day. I
+have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day or
+hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...."
+
+My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken.
+
+As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair. No,
+in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no salvation! My
+brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a complete dolt since I
+could not even add up the price of a piece of Dutch cheese? But could it
+be possible I had lost my senses when I could stand and put such questions
+to myself? Had not I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts
+with the reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the
+family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything
+about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it
+with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right at a despairing
+moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to
+myself?
+
+I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade. Some
+children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed children in the
+middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle between them and
+screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to
+some dislodged family, forced to change residence between "flitting time."
+[Footnote: In Norway, l4th of March and October.] This struck me at once.
+Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float, moth-eaten beds and
+chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with three legs, mats, old iron, and
+tin-ware. A little girl--a mere child, a downright ugly youngster, with a
+running cold in her nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with
+her poor little blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap
+of frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on, and
+looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one
+another....
+
+I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending everything
+that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window and observed
+this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the kitchen right
+alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and I listened to
+hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that an idiot could not
+have done all this.
+
+I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.
+
+Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and begin
+to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them; he was my
+landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are saying to one
+another, and immediately a flock of children crowded together under my
+window, and looked wistfully up. What did they expect? That something
+would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones, cigar ends, or one thing or
+another, that they could amuse themselves with? They looked up with their
+frost-pinched faces and unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two
+small foes continued to revile one another.
+
+Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish
+mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they
+perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that
+they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on.
+
+"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't breaths
+for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the cause of the
+quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him, he gets
+perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To
+think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I will, may the
+Lord...."
+
+And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street with
+her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the arm and
+tries to drag him in:
+
+"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as if
+you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+"Yes, you will."
+
+"No, I won't."
+
+I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising; this
+disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any longer.
+I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call twice, just
+to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call very loudly,
+and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her
+self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright
+maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring.
+She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought
+to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are."
+
+Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one
+little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen; I
+absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my own
+thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was impossible
+that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How could there, in
+this case, be anything the matter with it?
+
+Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have been
+worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no end of
+worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this tomfoolery. Is it
+a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything as accurately as you
+do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without
+its humorous side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to
+every man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the
+simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure accident.
+As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a good laugh at
+your expense. As far as that huckster account is concerned, that paltry
+five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha,
+ha!--a cheese with cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in
+which, to put the matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that
+ridiculous cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in
+the world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough
+to finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other
+Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said
+I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter. That is
+another matter.
+
+I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting.
+There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in good
+form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level head,
+nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth rose in
+measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I laughed aloud,
+and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too, as if I only
+needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy rapture, without a care
+on any side, to get my head into working order once more.
+
+I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not very
+fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was altogether
+first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without getting tired.
+
+I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a
+Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point, that
+all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I was,
+namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this thought.
+It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human brains; and I
+intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these burning brains.
+
+Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my landlady
+came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the room, she did
+not even pause on the threshold.
+
+I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow.
+
+"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a traveller,
+and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep downstairs with
+us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there too." And before she
+got my answer, she began, without further ceremony, to bundle my papers
+together on the table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire
+confusion.
+
+My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and
+despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a
+syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand.
+
+There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room. And
+so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller already
+on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on the backs
+of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest on his
+shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he
+would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps,
+too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my
+moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay
+on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to submit to
+fate.
+
+I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in
+which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's
+father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she
+also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and
+knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside.
+
+The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod
+even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his.
+Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on the
+quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and prattled to
+itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's father, sat doubled
+together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down Over his hands as if his
+chest or stomach pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in
+his crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its
+ears at something.
+
+"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said to
+the man.
+
+"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.
+
+"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."
+
+To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There
+this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened to
+come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have something in
+hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much as his lazy
+limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down stairs, was
+occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to the house. She
+had put herself in connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she
+paid a certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often
+gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was "Pane o'
+glass" that had just brought along the new lodger.
+
+A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin, freckled,
+gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A while after
+the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she intended to put me up
+for the night, and she replied that I could lie in here together with the
+others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she
+answered me she fussed about the room and busied herself with different
+things that she set in order, and she never once looked at me.
+
+My spirits were crushed by her reply.
+
+I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it appear
+as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for another for
+one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not to irritate her
+and perhaps be hustled right out of the house.
+
+"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then held my
+tongue.
+
+She still bustled about the room.
+
+"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to give
+people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told you that
+before, too."
+
+"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my
+article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra
+five shillings--willingly."
+
+But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I
+could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight
+mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A few days passed over.
+
+I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the
+ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor of
+the room.
+
+The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like
+moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how he
+had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take his
+first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was staying in
+town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my room was lost
+to me for ever.
+
+I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to get
+anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was quiet. It
+was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new idea, a
+perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The Sign of the
+Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had especially thought out
+everything in connection with the principal characters: a magnificently
+fanatical harlot who had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or
+desire, but for hate against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the
+altar, with the altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt
+for heaven.
+
+I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on. She
+stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was exactly
+as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and repulsive,
+tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her long limbs
+should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took. She was also
+to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to
+dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested me in her was her
+wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin
+which she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was
+absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and I
+worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had finished
+half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much effort, at times
+with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and had to tear the page in
+two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold and fatigue, and I arose
+and went out into the street. For the last half-hour, too, I had been
+disturbed by the crying of the children inside the family room, so that I
+could not, in any case, have written any more just then. So I took a long
+time up over Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering
+incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my drama.
+Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following happened:
+
+I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street, almost
+at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this shoemaker's
+shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did not, by the way,
+remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were far away in other
+parts of the world. A swarm of people talking together passed behind my
+back, and I heard nothing of what was said. Then a voice greeted me
+loudly:
+
+"Good-evening."
+
+It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked at
+him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.
+
+"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, always well ... as usual."
+
+"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?"
+
+"Christie?"
+
+"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?"
+
+"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with that
+fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"
+
+"A false entry, eh?"
+
+False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if I
+had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much
+interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply.
+
+"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if to
+console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly.
+
+"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best
+fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand there
+and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a mean
+trick as that? I!"
+
+"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly
+say that."
+
+"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want to
+know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen wrong--that was
+my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right from wrong yet a
+while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the bargain, to sully my
+honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps me afloat now. But it
+is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up to date."
+
+I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the
+street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman at
+a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I would not
+have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have given this
+toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps this red
+dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And at bottom
+what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon.
+Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to
+make good his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the
+whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up the
+street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding delicate dart. I
+whispered in thought without moving my lips:
+
+"Ylajali!"
+
+Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the
+two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his
+hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I
+did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously.
+The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared.
+
+"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."
+
+"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?"
+
+"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"
+
+"No," I replied.
+
+"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."
+
+"Did I?"
+
+"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it
+was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."
+
+"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It
+dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial souls
+together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being going
+along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first she
+answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who neither
+feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might not have
+the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord,
+not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her
+door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he could
+not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along, hit upon one
+thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag, and represented
+himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged to laugh at this merry
+soul who refused to be rebuffed by her coldness, and it finally ended by
+his going with her.
+
+"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath
+for his reply.
+
+"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."
+
+We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.
+
+"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like," he
+added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow; well,
+then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."
+
+I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with
+her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with all
+her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by
+thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in
+dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had
+doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise my
+hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly not; she
+was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen
+off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been
+the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least
+astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her. But that
+was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute, like a fool,
+especially when she had become so seriously besmirched of late. "The Duke"
+was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day might come when I would just
+take into my head to pass her haughtily by without glancing once towards
+her. Ay, it might happen that I would venture to do this, even if she were
+to gaze straight into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the
+bargain. It might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If
+I knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during
+the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have
+brought this young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with
+all her charms....
+
+"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried:
+
+"But what do you do all day now?"
+
+"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live by?
+For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the Cross.'
+Theme taken from the Middle Ages."
+
+"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with that,
+why...."
+
+"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days' time
+or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more of me."
+
+With that I left him.
+
+When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp. It
+was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go to bed
+tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely to be able
+to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward my request
+very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on
+my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a
+remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that
+it might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she would
+only just render me this great service now....
+
+But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind
+that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve o'clock,
+I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself a candle?
+
+I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that right
+well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside with
+us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at all; so
+that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and thought over
+this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me:
+
+"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a
+dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.
+
+I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here, in
+the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently at the
+floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a whit;
+nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little girls came
+in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair
+on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled
+down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and
+played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and
+sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the
+midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more about me;
+she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had been out to dine.
+The whole household had become hostile towards me. It was as if I had only
+needed disgrace of being obliged to resign my room to a stranger to be
+treated as a man of no account. Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed,
+street-wench, with a big fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat
+bosom, poked fun at me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and
+butter. She inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of
+dining, as she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It
+was clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a
+pleasure in letting me know of it.
+
+I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a
+solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange
+buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers into
+my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me. I look
+at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are not yet
+fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing
+I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She
+had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit
+awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my
+coat. It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy,
+that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments
+of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made fun of them in
+every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my expense. I had never
+molested her in any way, and could not recall that I had ever asked her to
+do me a service. On the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the
+ante-room myself, in order not to give her any trouble with it. She made
+fun of me, too, because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in
+the basin I washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my
+shoes, too, had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had
+been run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them.
+"God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as
+wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then
+I couldn't procure myself any others just at present.
+
+Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident malice
+of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man over in
+the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this diversion. They
+both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I looked on at this
+for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old fellow did not move a
+finger to defend himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious
+eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the
+straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at this
+sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father looked up from
+his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also drew the attention of
+his comrades at play to what was going on. Why didn't the old fellow move?
+Why didn't he fling the children aside with his arms? I took a stride, and
+approached the bed.
+
+"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord.
+
+And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear of
+rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I stepped
+back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should I risk my
+lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose into the
+family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man,
+and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a flint.
+
+The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that the
+old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes and
+nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said nothing,
+and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part of his body
+a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls, drew himself up
+again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on,
+saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and
+sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted:
+
+"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?"
+
+"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself.
+
+But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly did
+not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled over my
+whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said:
+
+"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep your
+tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve you
+best."
+
+But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled with
+scolding and railing.
+
+"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack of
+you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be quiet,
+both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open house and
+food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and the devil's
+own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any more of it,
+not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your
+noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of
+such people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny to
+buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the night and
+quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean to have any more
+of it, do you understand that? and you can go your way, every one who
+doesn't belong home here. I am going to have peace in my own quarters, I
+am."
+
+I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the
+door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the
+children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance
+commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it would
+surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and what word
+after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far
+advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and
+show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no
+attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never
+felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared coolly,
+case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an oleograph, and held my
+tongue obstinately during all the landlady's attack.
+
+"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be nothing
+in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the card-players as he
+stood up. The other card-players rose as well.
+
+"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them. "If
+there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's the
+least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick enough
+who it is...."
+
+She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and spun
+it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant. "Quiet,"
+said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to go--not
+expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my part--no
+untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular green hair
+on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or
+expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly
+correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas
+darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text, Each
+life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day of Judgment,
+when all will be consumed; then a little detour down to the earthquake in
+Lisbon, about which something floated before me in reference to a brass
+Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle that I had seen down at
+Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just like grass that was kindled.
+It all ended in four planks and a winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had
+from Miss Andersen's, on the right of the door...." And all this was
+tossed about in my head during the despairing moment when my landlady was
+about to thrust me from her door.
+
+"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now
+you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now, out
+you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it."
+
+I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in
+order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key in
+the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the rest
+to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out into the
+streets again.
+
+But there was no key in the door.
+
+Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I
+stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while ago
+took my part, strangely enough now. He said:
+
+"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be
+punished for doing that?"
+
+"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but
+perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet,
+and spoke no more.
+
+She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I did
+not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended that I
+had had a little food in town.
+
+When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came
+out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her
+unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:
+
+"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it."
+
+"Yes, yes," I replied.
+
+There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I tried
+hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place. For the
+time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out tonight.
+
+I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light
+when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my
+clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had
+drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out
+directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again.
+
+A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only living
+beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to extinguish
+the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached Kirkegaden and the
+road down towards the fortress. Cold and still sleepy, weak in the knees
+and back after my long walk, and very hungry, I sat down on a seat and
+dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had lived exclusively on the
+bread and butter that my landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it
+was twenty-four hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw
+badly at me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this
+thought I fell asleep again upon the seat....
+
+I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had
+collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every one
+was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the
+heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely
+morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it
+seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped myself
+on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice sounded so
+wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with
+it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too
+mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but
+hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A large
+barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her name,
+_Copégoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch what
+took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she
+lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had
+already taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship
+whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy boots.
+
+The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy, merry
+life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run lustily.
+Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes of my drama
+whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket.
+
+I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to
+swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped over
+the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration to the
+violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this oration, upon
+which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge my words, the
+bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways, and the
+ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with the
+atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my
+drama as with a mist.
+
+I bundled my papers together and got up.
+
+All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt convinced
+that I could effect something if all went well.
+
+If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there in
+the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single quiet spot
+in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was no other way
+open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank
+at the thought of it, and I told myself all the while that it would not
+do. I went ahead all the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the
+forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it
+was degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was
+not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I was one
+of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead.
+
+I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter what
+the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done, what a
+bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a matter of
+a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I should ever seek
+refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even whilst I was
+crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost turned round at
+the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could
+excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper
+adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house....
+
+I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all irrelevant
+impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a sentence in the
+inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to me, thus dictates
+also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and my own conscience...."
+I looked out of the window to think over what his conscience should
+dictate to him. A little row reached me from the room inside. Well, it was
+no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me
+what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet
+now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything conspired
+against me. Outside in the street, something was taking place that
+disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the sun on the
+opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear of no danger--just
+sat and knotted together a lot of paper streamers, and injuring no one.
+Suddenly he jumps up and begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle
+of the street and catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red
+beard, who is leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who
+spat down on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore
+impatiently up at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps
+five minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little
+lad's tears.
+
+"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get
+any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me
+that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that the
+whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of
+conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by
+Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong. Was
+there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them anew, and
+solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy
+pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set
+to work again darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama.
+
+I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my
+landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room
+firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor, and
+entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to hinder me
+from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his things. I
+wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on a chair near
+the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees.
+Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready
+in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the
+other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over
+my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I
+heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.
+
+A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a church
+bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All was going
+ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the stairs. I
+tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt, timorous,
+watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger. I listen
+nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen. I cannot
+write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below enter.
+
+Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the landlady
+calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:
+
+"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!"
+
+"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther; the
+landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked:
+
+"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!"
+
+I got up.
+
+"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait for
+you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...."
+
+"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil does
+it matter? Let the man alone; he--"
+
+By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got
+furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to
+get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst abusive
+epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought myself in
+time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the stranger man who
+followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod close on my heels,
+railing incessantly, and my anger increased with every step I took.
+
+We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether I
+would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely blinded
+with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression that would
+strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A commissionaire
+passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no notice; he
+applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do not turn
+round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and stops me. He
+hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains
+half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask:
+
+"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"
+
+"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to me."
+
+I stood still. The commissionaire left.
+
+I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and envelope,
+wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is still keeping an
+eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face. I said nothing; I
+uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was examining the crumpled
+paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one might call comporting oneself
+with dignity. Not to say a word, not to mention the contents, but crumple
+together, with perfect calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it
+straight in the face of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's
+exit with dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I....
+
+When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the street
+commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed vacantly in my
+head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I could simply go no
+farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the cramped position I was
+in. As I fell up against it, so I remained standing, and I felt that I was
+beginning to lose my senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of
+exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried
+several other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth,
+wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My
+thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was about to succumb.
+I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street
+still danced wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I
+wrestled from my very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant
+effort not to sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would
+die standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in
+it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to
+assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful
+oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I
+swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have the
+vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with the
+thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in the air,
+and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy
+Ghost, that they were cabbages.
+
+Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the
+sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and forced
+myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the
+afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was
+really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be
+here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet
+time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been
+hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not
+help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite
+within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging
+with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally
+given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her,
+she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer
+good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to complain.
+I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her pardon in my own
+mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted bitterly that I had shown
+myself ungrateful to her at the last, and thrown half-a-sovereign in her
+face....
+
+Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought me,
+where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly over
+this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I grew sick
+with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice,
+and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had
+decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the
+greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion,
+and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an end to my
+degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a decent position.
+I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I turned; sank to my knees,
+sank to my waist, dived under in ignominy, never to rise again--never!
+This was the climax! To accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able
+to fling it back to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the
+chance offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of
+one's intense inner aversion....
+
+Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go back
+to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use. There must
+be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert myself right
+well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case, great God,
+sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must consider so that it
+penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and find some way to procure
+this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider the answer to this problem.
+
+
+It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps meet
+the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed.
+
+I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might and
+main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and re-read
+from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no obstinacy,
+now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything that strikes me,
+just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I tried to persuade
+myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I lied right royally to
+myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to
+seek for words.
+
+That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly; only
+just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast rather
+strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle
+Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth,
+jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling
+my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to
+myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few
+words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat.
+
+A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing in
+the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I lift my
+head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a long time
+watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him.
+
+"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out his
+watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time.
+
+"About four," he replies.
+
+"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your
+business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked
+utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still
+holding his watch in his hand.
+
+When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was
+still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes.
+
+Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined effrontery!
+That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into them.... I was
+peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a little strain. Every
+nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling any more pain, without
+even being conscious of discomfort of any kind, I walked, light as a
+feather, across the whole market, turned round at the stalls, and came to
+a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just
+as well be a matter of indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign
+or not? When once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no
+want where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was
+sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the messenger
+keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole half-sovereign
+that had been sent to me. So there was positively no help for it.
+
+I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself
+with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign still
+busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It would
+hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so? Always
+ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my head and say,
+No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the street again. Even
+when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I
+must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man
+to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my way....
+I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging and brought
+myself into the most distressful circumstances.
+
+As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the
+yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had
+barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to
+utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort of
+man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I knew
+Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the money,
+therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put it
+plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and
+then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally
+in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion.
+There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.
+
+It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged
+nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt anew.
+I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the chemist's
+under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce battle in me at
+this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out
+into space, a figure becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At
+last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is
+that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the
+sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat, and
+begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman before the
+same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and snap my fingers,
+rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What
+the devil was it to me if it was the wages of sin, or well-earned
+Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be
+abused; one might die of too much pride....
+
+I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a standstill
+before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my words as if
+it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime.
+
+"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."
+
+"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.
+
+I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers, this
+pretending not to know me again, and say:
+
+"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not say
+anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind, I did
+not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal with, it
+is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a contract for
+every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the money!"
+
+"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to think
+over it...."
+
+I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say,
+therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of
+something to eat:
+
+"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."
+
+She did not seem to take this in.
+
+"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the
+first instalment; I don't need all of them today."
+
+"You've come to get them?"
+
+"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh boisterously,
+as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the outset that I
+came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the table, a sort of
+white roll that I commenced to eat.
+
+When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of clothes,
+makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and gives me to
+understand that she had not expected me to return to rob her of them.
+
+"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience that
+some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of, without
+that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look at that now!
+Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen money, since I
+slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think that either. Well,
+that at least was a good thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so
+say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha!
+yes indeed, she really was good!
+
+But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and
+called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money,
+explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in
+this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness. Always
+when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my head and
+said: No, thank you! God knows I did.
+
+But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other
+expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it never
+happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in this
+manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford it--for
+example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be expected to
+suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of procedure to her. It
+was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps never been outside the
+boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at that now! In that case,
+she could of course have no opinion on the subject; ... and I took several
+more cakes from the table.
+
+She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her
+stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand
+and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and
+threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said.
+Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole stand,
+because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I had no
+intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the value of
+the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to trouble her
+again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of
+creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or
+five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think
+of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her, persisted
+that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a shilling, besides
+robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you know there is a penalty for
+such rascally trickery," said I; "God help you, you might get penal
+servitude for life, you old fool!" She flung another cake to me, and, with
+almost gnashing teeth, begged me to go.
+
+And I left her.
+
+Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The whole
+time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my cakes, I
+talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness, repeated to
+myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed to me that I
+had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I
+ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over to myself.
+
+The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter how
+I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no help! I
+was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little cake that
+I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it aside, in
+fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played
+with the paper streamers. I thought of him continually--couldn't forget
+his face as he jumped and swore. He had turned round towards the window
+when the man spat down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was
+laughing at him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down
+that way.
+
+I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly by
+the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some scraps of
+papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had amazed by my
+behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had been sitting.
+
+He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering in,
+and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid the cake
+down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and hurried away
+directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the first thing he will
+do when he comes out will be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with
+pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding the cake.
+
+I reached the terminus again.
+
+Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to
+cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my head.
+
+Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of those
+ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk farther down
+the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my hands, and am
+conscious that my head is growing more and more confused. I do not stir; I
+simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer. I just sit there and
+stare at the _Copégoro_, the barque flying the Russian flag.
+
+I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the port
+shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I had no
+object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either.
+
+I said:
+
+"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"
+
+"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.
+
+"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"
+
+I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a
+refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me, so I
+stood and waited for it.
+
+"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow."
+
+"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses furtively
+and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and strode on
+deck.
+
+"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to. Where
+are you bound for?"
+
+"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."
+
+"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to me
+where I go; I am prepared to do my work."
+
+"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.
+
+"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to a
+little of all sorts."
+
+He bethought himself again.
+
+I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage,
+and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.
+
+"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really do
+anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of chap
+if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can take two
+watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me good, and I
+could hold out all the same."
+
+"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in
+England."
+
+"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we
+could part in England if it didn't work.
+
+And he set me to work....
+
+Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and exhaustion,
+and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to the town--to
+Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all the homes.
+
+
+
+
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+Title: Hunger
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+Author: Knut Hamsun
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+
+<h1 class="centered">HUNGER</h1>
+
+<h2 class="centered">Translated from the Norwegian of<br>
+<br>
+KNUT HAMSUN</h2>
+
+<h2 class="centered">by GEORGE EGERTON</h2>
+
+<h2 class="centered"><em>With an introduction by Edwin
+Björkman</em></h2>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3 class="intro">Knut Hamsun</h3>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg,
+Hamsun is undoubtedly the foremost creative writer of the
+Scandinavian countries. Those approaching most nearly to his
+position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in Sweden and Henrik
+Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to have less than
+he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation and
+authority of tone that made the greater masters what they
+were.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>His reputation is not confined to his own
+country or the two Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago
+over the rest of Europe, taking deepest roots in Russia, where
+several editions of his collected works have already appeared, and
+where he is spoken of as the equal of Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The
+enthusiasm of this approval is a characteristic symptom that throws
+interesting light on Russia as well as on Hamsun.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a
+man of the masses, full of keen social consciousness. Instead, he
+must be classed as an individualistic romanticist and a highly
+subjective aristocrat, whose foremost passion in life is violent,
+defiant deviation from everything average and ordinary. He fears
+and flouts the dominance of the many, and his heroes, who are
+nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are invariably
+marked by an originality of speech and action that brings them
+close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>In all the literature known to me, there is no
+writer who appears more ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the
+self thus presented to us is as paradoxical and rebellious as it is
+poetic and picturesque. Such a nature, one would think, must be the
+final blossoming of powerful hereditary tendencies, converging
+silently through numerous generations to its predestined climax.
+All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were sturdy Norwegian
+peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their neighbours
+by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of them
+into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not
+have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by
+physical environment and early social experiences.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the
+sunny valleys of central Norway. From there his parents moved when
+he was only four to settle in the far northern district of
+Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the year, and not the day, is
+evenly divided between darkness and light; where winter is a long
+dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream without sleep; where
+land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically that man is all
+but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic measures by
+the spectacle of their struggle.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The Northland, with its glaring lights and
+black shadows, its unearthly joys and abysmal despairs, is present
+and dominant in every line that Hamsun ever wrote. In that country
+his best tales and dramas are laid. By that country his heroes are
+stamped wherever they roam. Out of that country they draw their
+principal claims to probability. Only in that country do they seem
+quite at home. Today we know, however, that the pathological case
+represents nothing but an extension of perfectly normal tendencies.
+In the same way we know that the miraculous atmosphere of the
+Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize traits that lie
+slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this basis the
+fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to ordinary
+humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to the
+living tissues. What we see is true in everything but
+proportion.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The artist and the vagabond seem equally to
+have been in the blood of Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed
+to a shoemaker, he used his scant savings to arrange for the
+private printing of a long poem and a short novel produced at the
+age of eighteen, when he was still signing himself Knud Pedersen
+Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his apprenticeship and entered
+on that period of restless roving through trades and continents
+which lasted until his first real artistic achievement with
+"Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that practically
+every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was then, and
+that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this fact.
+It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary
+struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly
+that no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional
+details.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Before he reached those heights, he had tried
+life as coal-heaver and school teacher, as road-mender and
+surveyor's attendant, as farm hand and streetcar conductor, as
+lecturer and free-lance journalist, as tourist and emigrant. Twice
+he visited this country during the middle eighties, working chiefly
+on the plains of North Dakota and in the streets of Chicago. Twice
+during that time he returned to his own country and passed through
+the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before, at last, he found his
+own literary self and thus also a hearing from the world at large.
+While here, he failed utterly to establish any sympathetic contact
+between himself and the new world, and his first book after his
+return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The Spiritual Life of
+Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic once described
+as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a copy of this
+book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription in the
+author's autograph:</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>&nbsp;&nbsp;"A youthful work. It has ceased to
+represent my opinion of America.<br>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a
+sketch, and as such it appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary
+periodical, "New Earth." It attracted immediate widespread
+attention to the author, both on account of its unusual theme and
+striking form. It was a new kind of realism that had nothing to do
+with photographic reproduction of details. It was a professedly
+psychological study that had about as much in common with the
+old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the
+delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented
+in the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the
+appearance of the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as
+one of the chief heralds of the neo-romantlc movement then
+spreading rapidly through the Scandinavian north and finding
+typical expressions not only in the works of theretofore unknown
+writers, but in the changed moods of masters like Ibsen and
+Bjornson and Strindberg.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>It was followed two years later by
+"Mysteries," which pretends to be a novel, but which may be better
+described as a delightfully irresponsible and defiantly subjective
+roaming through any highway or byway of life or letters that
+happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of writing. Some
+one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings from
+laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to
+the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain
+blended.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth,"
+both published in 1893, were social studies of Christiania's
+Bohemia and chiefly characterized by their violent attacks on the
+men and women exercising the profession which Hamsun had just made
+his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the real Hamsun, the Hamsun
+who ever since has moved logically and with increasing authority to
+"The Growth of the Soil," stood finally revealed. It is a novel of
+the Northland, almost without a plot, and having its chief interest
+in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions to a nature so
+overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence seem a
+sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun has
+ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he
+poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for
+the first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing
+their feet in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a
+never-setting sun. It is a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to
+the forces let loose by it within the soul of man.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Like most of the great writers over there,
+Hamsun has not confined himself to one poetic mood or form, but has
+tried all of them. From the line of novels culminating in "Pan," he
+turned suddenly to the drama, and in 1895 appeared his first play,
+"At the Gates of the Kingdom." It was the opening drama of a
+trilogy and was followed by "The Game of Life" in 1896 and "Sunset
+Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in Christiania, the second in
+the Northland, and the third in Christiania again. The hero of all
+three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who is first presented
+to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at 50. His wife and
+several other characters accompany the central figure through the
+trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is a rebel
+at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable
+rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming
+truth-seeker of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical
+leader in the first acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to
+the powers that be in order to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for
+his declining years, then another man of 29 stands ready to
+denounce him and to take up the rebel cry of youth to which he has
+become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor and whimsical manner of
+expression do more than the plot itself to knit the plays into an
+organic unit, and several of the characters are delightfully drawn,
+particularly the two women who play the greatest part in Kareno's
+life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more of his many
+feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable Northland
+nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the trilogy
+must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of
+Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's
+seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action
+rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be
+directed.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk,"
+(1903), "Queen Tamara" (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910),
+the first mentioned is by far the most remarkable. It is a verse
+drama in eight acts, centred about one of Hamsun's most typical
+vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much in common with Peer Gynt
+without being in any way an imitation or a duplicate. He is a
+dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged injustice, a rebel
+against the very powers that invisibly move the universe, and a
+passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as a joyful
+battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor and
+charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play
+was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any
+poetic gift in the narrower sense.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of
+volumes that simply marked a further development of the tendencies
+shown in his first novels: "Siesta," short stories, 1897;
+"Victoria" a novel with a charming love story that embodies the
+tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In Wonderland," travelling
+sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood," short stories, 1903;
+"The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904; "Dreamers," a novel,
+1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and travelling sketches,
+1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906; "Benoni," and
+"Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to "Pan," 1908;
+"A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909; and "The Last
+Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere uncoordinated
+reflections, 1912.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>The later part of this output seemed to
+indicate a lack of development, a failure to open up new vistas,
+that caused many to fear that the principal contributions of Hamsun
+already lay behind him. Then appeared in 1913 a big novel,
+"Children of the Time," which in many ways struck a new note,
+although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is now
+wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and
+still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has
+crossed the meridian at last and become an observer rather than a
+fighter and doer. Nor is he the central figure to the same extent
+as Lieutenant Glahn in "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life
+pictured is the life of a certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor,
+and later the town of Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two
+isolated individuals. One might almost say that Hamsun's vision has
+become social at last, were it not for his continued accentuation
+of the irreconcilable conflict between the individual and the
+group.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>"Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of
+the Soil"--the title ought to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918
+continue along the path Hamsun entered by "Children of the Time."
+The scene is laid in his beloved Northland, but the old primitive
+life is going--going even in the outlying districts, where the
+pioneers are already breaking ground for new permanent settlements.
+Business of a modern type has arrived, and much of the quiet humor
+displayed in these the latest and maturest of Hamsun's works
+springs from the spectacle of its influence on the natives, whose
+hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose credulity in
+face of the improbable was only surpassed by their unwillingness to
+believe anything reasonable. Still the life he pictures is largely
+primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist, and to us of the
+crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely found in books
+today. With it goes an understanding of human nature which is no
+less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in
+whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth
+birthday anniversary. He is as strong and active as ever, burying
+himself most of the time on his little estate in the heart of the
+country that has become to such a peculiar extent his own. There is
+every reason to expect from him works that may not only equal but
+surpass the best of his production so far. But even if such
+expectations should prove false, the body of his work already
+accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must
+perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living
+writers. To the English-speaking world he has so far been made
+known only through the casual publication at long intervals of a
+few of his books: "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered
+in the list above as "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe
+that this negligence will be remedied, and that soon the best of
+Hamsun's work will be available in English. To the American and
+English publics it ought to prove a welcome tonic because of its
+very divergence from what they commonly feed on. And they may
+safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a poet and laughing
+dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his thinking is
+suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant it to be
+anything else.</em></p>
+
+<p class="intro">EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part I</h2>
+
+<p>It was during the time I wandered about and starved in
+Christiania: Christiania, this singular city, from which no man
+departs without carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike
+six. It was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up
+and down the stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was
+papered with old numbers of the <em>Morgenbladet</em>, I could
+distinguish clearly a notice from the Director of Lighthouses, and
+a little to the left of that an inflated advertisement of Fabian
+Olsens' new-baked bread.</p>
+
+<p>The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit,
+to think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been
+somewhat hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings
+had been taken to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A
+few times I had kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then,
+when luck had favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for
+a feuilleton from some newspaper or other.</p>
+
+<p>It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the
+advertisements near the door. I could even make out the grinning
+lean letters of "winding- sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on
+the right of it. That occupied me for a long while. I heard the
+clock below strike eight as I got up and put on my clothes.</p>
+
+<p>I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I
+had a view of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay
+the ruins of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy
+clearing away. I leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame
+and gazed into open space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn,
+that tender, cool time of the year, when all things change their
+colour, and die, had come to us. The ever- increasing noise in the
+streets lured me out. The bare room, the floor of which rocked up
+and down with every step I took across it, seemed like a gasping,
+sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the door, either,
+and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them a
+little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with
+was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the
+evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew
+hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds
+moaned up through the floor and from out the walls, and the
+<em>Morgenbladet</em> near the door was rent in strips a span
+long.</p>
+
+<p>I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the
+bed for a bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the
+window.</p>
+
+<p>God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again
+avail me aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt
+noes, the cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that
+always resulted in nothing had done my courage to death. As a last
+resource, I had applied for a place as debt collector, but I was
+too late, and, besides, I could not have found the fifty shillings
+demanded as security. There was always something or another in my
+way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire Brigade. There we
+stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred men, thrusting
+our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery, whilst an
+inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt their
+arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by,
+merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my
+sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted
+brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me
+by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I
+could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a respectable
+man.</p>
+
+<p>How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for
+a long time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every
+conceivable thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to
+read, when things grew all too sad with me. All through the summer,
+up in the churchyards or parks, where I used to sit and write my
+articles for the newspapers, I had thought out column after column
+on the most miscellaneous subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies,
+conceits of my restless brain; in despair I had often chosen the
+most remote themes, that cost me long hours of intense effort, and
+never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set to work at
+another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I used
+to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and
+really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with
+something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the
+washing- stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my
+trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer.
+Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went
+out. I stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract
+my landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had
+fallen due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise
+it).</p>
+
+<p>It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices
+filled the air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps
+of the pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The
+clamorous traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to
+feel more and more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention
+than to merely take a morning walk in the open air. What had the
+air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray
+with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome
+happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to observing the
+people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on the
+wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a
+passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that
+crossed or vanished from my path impress me.</p>
+
+<p>If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day!
+The sense of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction
+became ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum
+joyfully.</p>
+
+<p>At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for
+dinner. As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth
+in the front of her head. I had become so nervous and easily
+affected in the last few days that the woman's face made a
+loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow snag looked like a
+little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was still full
+of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all
+appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the
+market- place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked
+up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.</p>
+
+<p>I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling
+myself about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned
+off into a side street without having any errand there. I simply
+let myself go, wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging
+myself care-free to and fro amongst other happy human beings. This
+air was clear and bright and my mind too was without a shadow.</p>
+
+<p>For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He
+carried a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all
+his strength in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear
+how he panted from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might
+offer to bear his bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to
+overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and
+hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had not the
+slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than
+that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a
+blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.</p>
+
+<p>Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be
+beholden to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very
+day I might commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity,"
+"Freedom of Will," or what not, at any rate, something worth
+reading, something for which I would at least get ten shillings....
+And at the thought of this article I felt myself fired with a
+desire to set to work immediately and to draw from the contents of
+my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place to write in the
+park and not rest until I had completed my article.</p>
+
+<p>But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling
+movements ahead of me up the street. The sight of this infirm
+creature constantly in front of me, commenced to irritate me--his
+journey seemed endless; perhaps he had made up his mind to go to
+exactly the same place as I had, and I must needs have him before
+my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to me that he
+slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if waiting to
+see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would again
+swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep
+ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more
+and more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little
+by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful
+morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a
+great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a place
+in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we reached
+the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I
+turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an
+opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some
+minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of
+me--he too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I
+made three or four furious onward strides, caught him up, and
+slapped him on the shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly.
+"A halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.</p>
+
+<p>So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said:
+"For milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't
+really know how much you are in need of it."</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't
+got a farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you an artisan?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; a binder."</p>
+
+<p>"A what?"</p>
+
+<p>"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some,
+minutes and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few
+pence."</p>
+
+<p>I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a
+pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never
+been before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my
+waistcoat, rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I
+went upstairs and knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering,
+and threw the waistcoat on the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"One-and-six," said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was
+beginning to be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part
+with it."</p>
+
+<p>I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all
+things, pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have
+money enough over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my
+thesis on the "Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find
+existence more alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid
+of him.</p>
+
+<p>"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."</p>
+
+<p>The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was
+he standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly
+examined the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery
+bored me. Did the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I
+looked? Had I not as good as begun to write an article for
+half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever for the future. I
+had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was it of an
+utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely
+day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a
+good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders,
+and said:</p>
+
+<p>"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of
+staring at a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."</p>
+
+<p>He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth
+widely; something was working in that empty pate of his, and he
+evidently came to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some
+way, for he handed me back the money. I stamped on the pavement,
+and, swearing at him, told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was
+going to all that trouble for nothing? If all came to all, perhaps
+I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected an old debt; he
+was standing before an honest man, honourable to his
+finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were
+needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!</p>
+
+<p>I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and
+I could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and
+stopped before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with
+eatables, and I decided to go in and get something to take with
+me.</p>
+
+<p>"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my
+sixpence on to the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman
+ironically, without looking up at me.</p>
+
+<p>"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.</p>
+
+<p>I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the
+utmost politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the
+park.</p>
+
+<p>I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my
+provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such
+a square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal
+over me that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose
+mightily. I could no longer be satisfied with writing an article
+about anything so simple and straight- ahead as the "Crimes of
+Futurity," that any ass might arrive at, ay, simply deduct from
+history. I felt capable of a much greater effort than that; I was
+in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided on a
+treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This
+would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some
+of Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials
+to commence work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I
+had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my
+waistcoat pocket.</p>
+
+<p>Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting
+me today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a
+couple of turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around
+me; down near the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling
+their perambulators; otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere
+in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and
+down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely awry things seemed
+to go! To think that an article in three sections should be
+downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a pennyworth
+of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle Street
+and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a
+good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill
+the parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on
+"Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no
+one could say; and I told myself it might be of the greatest
+possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I would not
+lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I would
+only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I came
+to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old
+Parson Renan....</p>
+
+<p>At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be
+completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look
+in the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole
+day; it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my
+pleasant hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.</p>
+
+<p>I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch
+my pencil from the pawnbroker's.</p>
+
+<p>As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom
+I passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the
+arm. I looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she
+blushes, and, becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why
+she blushes; maybe at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe
+only at some lurking thought of her own. Or can it be because I
+touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently several
+times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her
+parasol. What has come to her?</p>
+
+<p>I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the
+moment, go no further; the whole thing struck me as being so
+singular. I was in a tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on
+account of the pencil incident, and in a high degree disturbed by
+all the food I had taken on a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my
+thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a singular direction. I
+feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this lady afraid; to
+follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her again, pass
+her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order to
+observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the
+spur of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a
+name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite
+close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:</p>
+
+<p>"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat
+audibly as I said it.</p>
+
+<p>"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.</p>
+
+<p>My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time,
+I was fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being
+able to stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I
+was inspired with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as
+they came to me. I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told
+myself that I was playing the fool. I made the most idiotic
+grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed frantically as I
+passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly, and always a
+few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and involuntarily
+put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance. By
+degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away
+in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who
+was going along over the gravel hanging my head.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had
+already stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step
+forward and repeat:</p>
+
+<p>"You are losing your book, madam!"</p>
+
+<p>"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what
+book it is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.</p>
+
+<p>I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute
+perplexity in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot
+grasp my short, passionate address. She has no book with her; not a
+single page of a book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks
+down repeatedly at her hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the
+streets behind her, exerts her sensitive little brain to the utmost
+in trying to discover what book it is I am talking about. Her face
+changes colour, has now one, now another expression, and she is
+breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on her gown seem to
+stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the
+arm. "He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"</p>
+
+<p>Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey
+to peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me
+without my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the
+street towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he
+had on a very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street
+a window opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out
+of it, with her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on
+the outside. Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and
+ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming
+distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong light.
+The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and
+a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were
+sisters.</p>
+
+<p>They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together.
+I stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road
+as they had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of
+University Street and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the
+time as close at their heels as I dared to be. They turned round
+once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw
+no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it.</p>
+
+<p>This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made
+me lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of
+sheer gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of
+them until they entered some place safely and disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again
+before going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and
+listened for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the
+second floor. I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the
+house. Then something odd happened. The curtains above were
+stirred, and a second after a window opened, a head popped out, and
+two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered,
+half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.</p>
+
+<p>Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these
+flower-pots and strike me on the head, or send some one down to
+drive me away? We stand and look into one another's eyes without
+moving; it lasts a minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the
+street, and not a word is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench
+in me, a delicate shock through my senses; I see a shoulder that
+turns, a back that disappears across the floor. That reluctant
+turning from the window, the accentuation in that movement of the
+shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of all the
+delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad. Then
+I wheeled round and went down the street.</p>
+
+<p>I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the
+window. The more I considered this question the more nervous and
+restless I became. Probably at this very moment she was standing
+watching closely all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to
+know that you are being watched from behind your back. I pulled
+myself together as well as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs
+began to jerk under me, my gait became unsteady just because I
+purposely tried to make it look well. In order to appear at ease
+and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw my head
+well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing
+eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I
+escaped down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle
+Street to get my pencil.</p>
+
+<p>I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the
+waistcoat himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through
+all the pockets. I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I
+pocketed as I thanked the obliging little man for his civility. I
+was more and more taken with him, and grew all of a sudden
+extremely anxious to make a favourable impression on this person. I
+took a turn towards the door and then back again to the counter as
+if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an
+explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to
+hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in
+my hand, I held it up and said:</p>
+
+<p>"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for
+any and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a
+different matter; there Was another reason, a special reason.
+Insignificant as it looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me
+what I was in the world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no
+more. The man had come right over to the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.</p>
+
+<p>"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I
+wrote my dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three
+volumes." Had he never heard mention of it?</p>
+
+<p>Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the
+title.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really
+not be astonished that I should be desirous of having the little
+bit of pencil back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it;
+why, it was almost as much to me as a little human creature. For
+the rest I was honestly grateful to him for his civility, and I
+would bear him in mind for it. Yes, truly, I really would. A
+promise was a promise; that was the sort of man I was, and he
+really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door with the
+bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high
+position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice
+profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my
+good-bye.</p>
+
+<p>On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand,
+who squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and
+I voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give
+her, and looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my
+head down. I heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm
+over it, and I recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one
+rapped on the door with his knuckles.</p>
+
+<p>The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town
+began to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for
+promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl
+Johann Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make
+myself look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances
+who had taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to
+gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a
+reverie.</p>
+
+<p>How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant
+heads, and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room!
+There was no sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any
+shoulder, perhaps not even a clouded thought, not a little hidden
+pain in any of the happy souls. And I, walking in the very midst of
+these people, young and newly-fledged as I was, had already
+forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these thoughts to
+myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been done
+me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I
+failed to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the
+most singular annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on
+a bench by myself or set my foot any place without being assailed
+by insignificant accidents, miserable details, that forced their
+way into my imagination and scattered my powers to all the four
+winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in a man's
+buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy
+me for a length of time.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned
+against me? But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just
+as well against a man in South America? When I considered the
+matter over, it grew more and more incomprehensible to me that I of
+all others should be selected as an experiment for a Creator's
+whims. It was, to say the least of it, a peculiar mode of procedure
+to pass over a whole world of other humans in order to reach me.
+Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or Hennechen the
+steam agent?</p>
+
+<p>As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of
+it. I found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's
+arbitrariness in letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even
+after I had found a seat and sat down, the query persisted in
+occupying me, and prevented me from thinking of aught else. From
+the day in May when my ill-luck began I could so clearly notice my
+gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it were, too
+languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of
+tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed
+me out.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got
+up and paced backwards and forwards before the seat.</p>
+
+<p>My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of
+torture, I had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them
+in the usual way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last
+full meal; I was oversated, and walked backwards and forwards
+without looking up. The people who came and went around me glided
+past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was taken up by two men,
+who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I got angry and
+was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel and went
+right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat
+down.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the
+highest degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought
+for a place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was
+but imploring enough for a daily meal.</p>
+
+<p>I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for
+any length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently
+out of my head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and
+far off, I no longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a
+consciousness that my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked
+at anything.</p>
+
+<p>I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew
+more and more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If
+He meant to draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting
+me and placing obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure
+Him He made a slight mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I
+looked up towards Heaven and told Him so mentally, once and for
+all.</p>
+
+<p>Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my
+memory. The rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears,
+and I talked quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly
+askew. Wherefore should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink,
+or for what I may array this miserable food for worms called my
+earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly Father provided for me, even as
+for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath He not in His
+graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord stuck His
+finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory
+fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then
+the Lord withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate
+root-like filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the
+nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a gaping hole after
+the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my brain in the
+track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His finger,
+He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall me;
+but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole.
+And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of
+all Eternity.</p>
+
+<p>The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the
+Students' Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my
+writing materials to try to write something, and at the same time
+my book of shaving-tickets <a name="fnr1"></a> <a href="#fn1"
+class="fnsuper">1</a> fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and
+counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I
+exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of
+weeks, and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a
+better frame of mind on account of this little property which still
+remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the
+book safely into my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur
+to me; my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull
+myself together enough for any special exertion.</p>
+
+<p>Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a
+fresh impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the
+paper and disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow
+harder and harder; to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves
+on their backs, make themselves heavy, and fight against me until
+their slender legs bend. They are not to be moved from the spot;
+they find something to hook on to, set their heels against a comma
+or an unevenness in the paper, or stand immovably still until they
+themselves think fit to go their way.</p>
+
+<p>These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I
+crossed my legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of
+high clarionet notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my
+thoughts a new impulse.</p>
+
+<p>Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I
+replaced the paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At
+this instant my head is so clear that I can follow the most
+delicate train of thought without tiring. As I lie in this
+position, and let my eyes glide down my breast and along my legs, I
+notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time my pulse beats.
+I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at this
+moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt
+before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks
+of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of
+my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part
+of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition
+trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I
+have a feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising
+towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched
+my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this
+ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect
+consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and
+closed my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears.</p>
+
+<p>As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study
+their looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their
+shape and their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and
+white seams give them expression--impart a physiognomy to them.
+Something of my own nature had gone over into these shoes; they
+affected me, like a ghost of my other I-- a breathing portion of my
+very self.</p>
+
+<p>I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an
+entire hour. A little, old man came and took the other end of the
+seat; as he seated himself he panted after his walk, and
+muttered:</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept
+through my head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the
+distracted phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a
+long-vanished period, maybe a year or two back, and was about to be
+quietly effaced from my memory. I began to observe the old
+fellow.</p>
+
+<p>Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not
+in the very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his
+hand, an old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside),
+in which something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity
+was aroused, and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The
+insane idea entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar
+newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began
+to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds,
+dangerous documents stolen from some archive or other; something
+floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy.</p>
+
+<p>The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his
+newspaper as every other person carries a paper, with its name out?
+What species of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either
+to like letting his package out of his hands, not for anything in
+the world; perhaps he did not even dare trust it into his own
+pocket. I could stake my life there was something at the bottom of
+that package--I considered a bit. Just the fact of finding it so
+impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair distracted me with
+curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer the man in
+order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my
+shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to
+be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I offer you a cigarette?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to
+spare his eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the
+same. Was it long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he
+could not read either, not even a paper?</p>
+
+<p>No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at
+me; his weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a
+glassy appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting
+impression on me.</p>
+
+<p>"You are a stranger here?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in
+his hand?</p>
+
+<p>"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a
+stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did
+not need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one
+slept, he could hear people in the next room breathing....</p>
+
+<p>"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"</p>
+
+<p>On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I
+lied involuntarily, without any object, without any <em>arrière
+pensée</em>, and I answered--</p>
+
+<p>"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."</p>
+
+<p>"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a
+fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it.
+"What number do you live in?"</p>
+
+<p>Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about
+the newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear
+the thing up, at no matter what cost.</p>
+
+<p>"When you cannot read the paper, why--"</p>
+
+<p>"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without
+noticing my disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in
+No. 2; what is your landlord's name?"</p>
+
+<p>I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the
+spur of the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.</p>
+
+<p>"Happolati!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable
+of this difficult name.</p>
+
+<p>I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a
+considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid
+name which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to
+it, and pretended to have heard it before.</p>
+
+<p>In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt
+my curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few
+grease spots on the paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and
+there was not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to
+remember he was."</p>
+
+<p>"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know;
+this man is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."</p>
+
+<p>I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with
+everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it
+would not have roused his suspicions.</p>
+
+<p>"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head;
+agent for every possible thing going. Cranberries from China;
+feathers and down from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"</p>
+
+<p>"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly
+excited.</p>
+
+<p>This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me,
+and one lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again,
+forgot the newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively,
+and cut short the old fellow's talk.</p>
+
+<p>The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I
+would stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field
+grandly, and stop his mouth from sheer amazement.</p>
+
+<p>Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had
+invented?</p>
+
+<p>"What? Elec--"</p>
+
+<p>"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a
+perfectly extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in
+circulation; foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of
+regular mechanics to be employed; I had heard as many as seven
+hundred men."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.</p>
+
+<p>He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all
+that, he was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had
+expected to see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.</p>
+
+<p>I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the
+whole hog, hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for
+nine years in Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it
+means to be Minister of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than
+king here, or about the same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant,
+but Happolati had managed the whole thing, and was never at a loss.
+And I related about his daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who
+had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a couch of yellow
+roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I had, may
+the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life!</p>
+
+<p>"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an
+absent air, as he gazed at the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes
+like raw silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as
+seductive as a kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like
+a wine-ray right into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be
+so beautiful?" Did he imagine she was a messenger or something in
+the fire brigade? She was simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just
+inform him, a fairy tale.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet
+bored me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in
+utter seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign
+power or other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat
+bundle of paper lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the
+smallest desire to examine it or see what it contained. I was
+entirely absorbed in stories of my own which floated in singular
+visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my head, and I
+roared with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched
+himself, and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is
+said to own much property, this Happolati?"</p>
+
+<p>How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the
+rare name I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over
+every huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or
+forgot a syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck
+root on the instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged
+up in me against this creature whom nothing had the power to
+disturb and nothing render suspicious.</p>
+
+<p>I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know
+absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for
+all that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own
+initials."</p>
+
+<p>"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little
+astonished at my vehemence; and with that he grew silent.</p>
+
+<p>"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter
+creature ... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really
+fat?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man
+might perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered
+quite gently and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for
+words as if he feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.</p>
+
+<p>"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here
+stuffing you chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you
+don't even believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I
+never saw your match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What
+the devil ails you? Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been
+all this while thinking to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow,
+sitting here in my Sunday-best without even a case full of
+cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as yours is
+a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord
+strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you
+know that?"</p>
+
+<p>The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and
+listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel
+from off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with
+the short, tottering steps of an old man.</p>
+
+<p>I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to
+shrink at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the
+impression came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life
+seen a more vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I
+had abused the creature before he left me.</p>
+
+<p>The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle
+lightly in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups
+near the parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators
+home. I was calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just
+laboured under quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker,
+more languid, and began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of
+bread I had eaten cause me any longer any particular distress. I
+leant against the back of the seat in the best of humours, closed
+my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the
+point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my
+shoulder and said:</p>
+
+<p>"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"</p>
+
+<p>"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position
+rising all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something;
+find some way or another out of it. To look for situations had been
+of no avail to me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a
+little old, and were written by people all too little known to be
+of much use; besides that, constant refusals all through the summer
+had somewhat disheartened me. At all events, my rent was due, and I
+must raise the wind for that; the rest would have to wait a
+little.</p>
+
+<p>Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand
+again, and I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each
+corner. If only now one single effervescing thought would grip me
+powerfully, and put words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours
+when I could write a long piece, without the least exertion, and
+turn it off capitally, too.</p>
+
+<p>I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I
+write this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait
+until a workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts
+flutter about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me
+downcast, sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to
+hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have
+received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in the
+fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling,
+murmuring, restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden
+existence of the whole insect world is astir for yet a little
+while. They poke their yellow heads up from the turf, lift their
+legs, feel their way with long feelers and then collapse suddenly,
+roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.</p>
+
+<p>Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the
+delicately blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle
+wanly sunwards, and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a
+sound as of errant silkworms.</p>
+
+<p>It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay,
+the roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic
+tinge, through their soft damask.</p>
+
+<p>I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction,
+gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic
+sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious
+strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands;
+"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the
+pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.</p>
+
+<p>There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent
+staring me straight in the face.</p>
+
+<p>Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to
+them, and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an
+introduction. It would serve as a beginning to anything. A
+description of travel, a political leader, just as I thought
+fit--it was a perfectly splendid commencement for something or
+anything. So I took to seeking for some particular subject to
+handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple with, and I could
+find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion, disorder began to
+hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain positively
+snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light, buoyant,
+and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in
+my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be
+hollowed out from top and toe.</p>
+
+<p>In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this
+cry many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.</p>
+
+<p>The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a
+while longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded
+it up and put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no
+longer owned a waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat
+and thrust my hands in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went
+on.</p>
+
+<p>If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my
+landlady had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged
+to hang my head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could
+not do it again: the very next time I met those eyes I would give
+warning and account for myself honestly. Well, any way, things
+could not last long at this rate.</p>
+
+<p>On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put
+to flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat
+next him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate
+as he sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my
+conduct, but the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers
+looked like ten claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy
+bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing
+him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn,
+and his face did not move a muscle.</p>
+
+<p>And so I went on my way.</p>
+
+<p>As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to,
+to read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky
+enough to find one that I might try for.</p>
+
+<p>A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple
+of hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I
+noted my man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this
+place. I would demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence
+was ample, or perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the
+least.</p>
+
+<p>On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table,
+in which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as
+soon as I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a
+necessary request. Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.</p>
+
+<p>I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13
+Groenlandsleret, put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar
+at the corner. Then I returned to my room and sat down in the
+rocking-chair to think, whilst the darkness grew closer and closer.
+Sitting up late began to be difficult now.</p>
+
+<p>I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I
+opened my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five
+strokes of the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but
+sleep had down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought
+of a thousand things.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story
+strike me, delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before
+found the equal. I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and
+find that they are capital. Little by little others come and fit
+themselves to the preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up
+and snatch paper and pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as
+if a vein had burst in me; one word follows another, and they fit
+themselves together harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles
+on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain, and a
+wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed,
+and fill page after page, without a moment's pause.</p>
+
+<p>Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly
+that I miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down
+quickly enough, although I work with all my might. They continue to
+invade me; I am full of my subject, and every word I write is
+inspired.</p>
+
+<p>This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time
+before it comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages
+lying on my knees before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil
+aside, So sure as there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I
+saved. I jump out of bed and dress myself, It grows lighter. I can
+half distinguish the lighthouse director's announcement down near
+the door, and near the window it is already so light that I could,
+in case of necessity, see to write. I set to work immediately to
+make a fair copy of what I have written.</p>
+
+<p>An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates
+from these fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one
+good thing after another, and tell myself that this is the best
+thing I have ever read. My head swims with a sense of satisfaction;
+delight inflates me; I grow grandiose.</p>
+
+<p>I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess,
+for five shillings on the spot.</p>
+
+<p>It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five
+shillings; on the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might
+be considered dirt- cheap, considering the quality of the
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As
+far as I was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the
+wayside, and I decided on half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the
+door, and could distinguish without particular trouble the
+skeleton-like letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet
+advertisement to the right of it. It was also a good while since
+the clock has struck seven.</p>
+
+<p>I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor.
+Everything well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather
+opportunely. This was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there
+were only common enough green curtains at the windows, and neither
+were there any pegs too many on the wall. The poor little
+rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality a mere attempt at a
+rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one might easily
+split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for a
+grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a
+boot- jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not
+adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not
+intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I had
+held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a
+den.</p>
+
+<p>Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my
+remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket
+and re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my
+flitting. I took out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a
+few clean collars and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had
+occasionally carried home bread. I rolled my blanket up and
+pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I ransacked every
+corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind, and as I
+could not find anything, went over to the window and looked
+out.</p>
+
+<p>The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the
+burnt-out smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched
+tightly from wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar
+to me, so I stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my
+arm, and made a low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement,
+bowed again to Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and
+opened the door. Suddenly the thought of my land-lady struck me;
+she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so that she could
+see she had had an honest soul to deal with.</p>
+
+<p>I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime
+in which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved
+for some time to come increased so strongly in me that I even
+promised her five shillings. I would call in some day when passing
+by.</p>
+
+<p>Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of
+person her roof had sheltered.</p>
+
+<p>I left the note behind me on the table.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant
+feeling of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and
+made me feel grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt
+down at the bedside and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to
+me that morning.</p>
+
+<p>I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just
+felt and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in
+answer to my yesterday's cry for aid.</p>
+
+<p>"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for
+enthusiasm over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen
+if any one was on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go.
+I stole noiselessly down each flight and reached the door
+unseen.</p>
+
+<p>The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in
+the early morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and
+there was no glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day
+would bring forth? I went as usual in the direction of the Town
+Hall, and saw that it was half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to
+walk about; there was no use in going to the newspaper office
+before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so long, and think,
+in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast. For that
+matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those times
+were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil
+dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!</p>
+
+<p>But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me.
+Neither could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a
+thing about right under people's eyes. What would any one think of
+me? And as I went on I tried to think of a place where I could have
+it kept till later on. It occurred to me that I might go into
+Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper; not only would it look
+better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying it,</p>
+
+<p>I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop
+boys.</p>
+
+<p>He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he
+shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he
+took it; this annoyed me.</p>
+
+<p>"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two
+costly glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."</p>
+
+<p>This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every
+movement he made for not having guessed that there was something
+out of the common in this blanket. When he had finished packing it
+up I thanked him with the air of a man who had sent precious goods
+to Smyrna before now. He held the door open for me, and bowed twice
+as I left.</p>
+
+<p>I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place,
+kept from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The
+heavy crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and
+moist in the damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully
+to snatch one, and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse
+to approach as near to them as possible.</p>
+
+<p>If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things
+went; indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way
+of living to balance things again.</p>
+
+<p>It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office.
+"Scissors" is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has
+not come yet. On being asked my business, I delivered my weighty
+manuscript, lead him to suppose that it is something of more than
+uncommon importance, and impress upon his memory gravely that he is
+to give it into we editor's own hands as soon as he arrives.</p>
+
+<p>I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with
+his papers.</p>
+
+<p>It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly;
+but I said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and
+left.</p>
+
+<p>I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was
+perfectly wretched weather, without either wind or freshness.
+Ladies carried their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the
+woollen caps of the men looked limp and depressing.</p>
+
+<p>I took another turn across the market and looked at the
+vegetables and roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn
+round--"Missy" bids me good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in
+return, a little questioningly. I never cared particularly for
+"Missy."</p>
+
+<p>He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my
+arm, and asks:</p>
+
+<p>"What have you got there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I
+reply, in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any
+longer; there's such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."</p>
+
+<p>He looks at me with an amazed start.</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, beyond all expectation!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then you have got something to do now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I
+am book- keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success.
+If only you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn.
+Good-day!"</p>
+
+<p>A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with
+his cane to my parcel, says:</p>
+
+<p>"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You
+won't find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you,
+that's all!"</p>
+
+<p>This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he
+want to poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his
+which tailor I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified
+"masher" embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten
+shilling he had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I
+regretted that I had asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided
+meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I stepped
+hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to
+proceed on my way.</p>
+
+<p>What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit
+a cafe with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I
+could call on at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up
+town, killed a good deal of time between the marketplace and the
+Graendsen, read the <em>Aftenpost,</em> which was newly posted up
+on the board outside the office, took a turn down Carl Johann,
+wheeled round and went straight on to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where
+I found a quiet seat on the slope near the Mortuary Chapel.</p>
+
+<p>I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused,
+half- slept and shivered.</p>
+
+<p>And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a
+little masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have
+its faults here and there. All things well weighed, it was not
+certain that it would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It
+was perhaps mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright
+worthless. What security had I that it was not already at this
+moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My confidence was
+shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard.</p>
+
+<p>Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it
+was only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the
+editor before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy
+forebodings; the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed
+to me that I could have written anything useable with such
+suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of
+course I had deceived myself and been happy all through the long
+morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with hurried strides
+up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to the open
+fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste
+plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a
+country road, the end of which I could not see.</p>
+
+<p>Here I halted and decided to turn.</p>
+
+<p>I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast.
+I met two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of
+their loads, and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round,
+care-free faces. I passed them and thought to myself that they were
+sure to accost me, sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me
+some trick; and as I got near enough, one of them called out and
+asked what I had under my arm?</p>
+
+<p>"A blanket!"</p>
+
+<p>"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they
+both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a
+whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They
+couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand
+to my head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch,
+and continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who
+told me it was past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my
+pace, nearly ran down to the town, turned off towards the news
+office. Perhaps the editor had been there hours ago, and had left
+the office by now. I ran, jostled against folk, stumbled, knocked
+against cars, left everybody behind me, competed with the very
+horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in time. I wrenched
+through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and knocked.</p>
+
+<p>No answer.</p>
+
+<p>"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is
+open, knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his
+table, his face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write.
+When he hears my breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a
+quick look at me, shakes his head, and says:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."</p>
+
+<p>I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it,
+that I answer:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is
+no hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."</p>
+
+<p>I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the
+interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up
+again in me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for
+that matter, yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance
+about a great council in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved
+that I should win--ay, triumphantly win ten shillings for a
+story.</p>
+
+<p>If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night!
+I consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this
+query that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I
+forget where I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in
+mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and roar about it.</p>
+
+<p>A newspaper boy offers me <em>The Viking</em>.</p>
+
+<p>"It's real good value, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly
+turn to the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and
+hurry down Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have
+seen me from the window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn
+round by the box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress.
+I find a seat once more, and begin to consider afresh.</p>
+
+<p>Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?</p>
+
+<p>Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide
+myself till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my
+lodging--besides, it could never really occur to me to go back on
+my word; I rejected this thought with great scorn, and I smiled
+superciliously as I thought of the little red rocking-chair. By
+some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly transported to a
+large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I could see a
+tray on the table, filled with great slices of bread-and- butter.
+The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a seductive piece
+of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver fork. The
+door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea....</p>
+
+<p>Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food
+now my head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my
+brain, and I would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I
+could not stomach food, my inclination did not lie that way; that
+was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy of mine.</p>
+
+<p>Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter.
+There was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the
+woods. I had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as
+yet, there was no degree of cold worth speaking of in the
+weather.</p>
+
+<p>And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and
+clumsy, broad- nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface,
+and scattered rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the
+smoke rolled up in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the
+stroke of the engine pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull
+sound. There was no sun and no wind; the trees behind me were
+almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was cold and damp.</p>
+
+<p>Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little
+shiver ran down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began
+to droop, and I let them droop....</p>
+
+<p>When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered
+and freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went
+faster and faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my
+legs--which by now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached
+the watch-house of the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had
+been asleep for several hours.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I
+stand there and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would
+not be possible to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I
+were to watch for a moment when the watchman's back was turned. I
+ascend the steps, and prepare to open a conversation with the man.
+He lifts his ax in salute, and waits for what I may have to say.
+The uplifted ax, with its edge turned against me, darts like a cold
+slash through my nerves. I stand dumb with terror before this armed
+man, and draw involuntarily back. I say nothing, only glide farther
+and farther away from him. To save appearances I draw my hand over
+my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other, and slink
+away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I had
+just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away.</p>
+
+<p>Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up
+Carl Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a
+whit as to whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament
+House, just near the first trees, I suddenly, by some association
+of ideas, bethought myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I
+had once saved from an assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had
+called later on. I snap my fingers gleefully, and wend my way to
+Tordenskjiolds Street, find the door, on which is fastened a card
+with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and knock.</p>
+
+<p>He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco
+that it was horrible.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening!" I say.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so
+late? It doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a
+hayrick to it since, and have made a few other alterations. You
+must see it by daylight; there is no use our trying to see it
+now!"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though,
+for that matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he
+was talking about.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look
+yellow; and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards
+me, whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's
+clearly impracticable."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."</p>
+
+<p>I drew back, said good-night, and went away.</p>
+
+<p>So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the
+woods. If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket,
+and felt more and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I
+had worried myself so long trying to find a shelter in town that I
+was wearied and bored with the whole affair. It would be a positive
+pleasure to get to rest, to resign myself; so I loaf down the
+street without thought in my head. At a place in Haegdehaugen I
+halted outside a provision shop where some food was displayed in
+the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French roll.
+There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the
+background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I
+had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued
+my tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always
+on--it seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's
+wood.</p>
+
+<p>I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began
+to look about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather
+and juniper leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where
+it was a bit dry. I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I
+was tired and exhausted with the long walk, and lay down at once. I
+turned and twisted many times before I could get settled. My ear
+pained me a little--it was slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and
+I could not lie on it. I pulled off my shoes and put them under my
+head, with the paper from Semb on top.</p>
+
+<p>And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ...
+everything was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed
+the everlasting song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless
+humming which is never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless
+faint murmur that it began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony
+from the rolling spheres above. Stars that intone a song....</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and
+I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in
+Canaan!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered
+about in the gloom, only to lay down once more. I fought and
+wrestled with anger and fear until nearly dawn, then fell asleep at
+last.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling
+that it was going on towards noon.</p>
+
+<p>I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out
+for town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like
+a dog, my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my
+eyes, as if they could not bear the daylight.</p>
+
+<p>It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in
+earnest. I was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I
+swung round by the Dampkökken, <a name="fnr2"></a> <a href="#fn2"
+class="fnsuper">2</a> read the bill of fare, and shrugged my
+shoulders in a way to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt
+port was not meet food for me. After that I went towards the
+railway station.</p>
+
+<p>A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I
+stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse,
+and was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being
+underwent a change, as if something had slid aside in my inner
+self, or as if a curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.</p>
+
+<p>I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a
+little, and, as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once
+and got up and bowed.</p>
+
+<p>What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being
+added to the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden
+fields, or did it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet?
+Looking the whole thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning
+in living on in this manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't.
+I failed to see either how I had made myself deserving of this
+special persecution; and it suddenly entered my head that I might
+just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's" with the
+blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full meals,
+and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis
+true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to
+the pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head
+irresolutely, then turned back. The farther away I got the more
+gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had conquered this strong
+temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure and honourable
+rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of having
+principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a muddy,
+human sea amidst floating wreck.</p>
+
+<p>Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and
+drink one's self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first
+little scar, set the first black mark against one's honour, call
+one's self a blackguard to one's own face, and needs must cast
+one's eyes down before one's self? Never! never! It could never
+have been my serious intention--it had really never seriously taken
+hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for every loose,
+fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a headache as I
+had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that belonged to
+another fellow.</p>
+
+<p>There would surely be some way or another of getting help when
+the right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret.
+Had I importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my
+application? Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned
+away? Why, I had not even applied personally to him or sought an
+answer! It did not follow, surely, that it must needs be an
+absolutely vain attempt.</p>
+
+<p>Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a
+devious course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.</p>
+
+<p>The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me
+a little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would
+say to him.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay
+me for my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for
+it. People of that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.</p>
+
+<p>I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers
+with spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left
+the parcel behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and
+entered the little shop.</p>
+
+<p>A man is standing pasting together bags made of old
+newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"That's me!" replied the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty
+of sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any
+use.</p>
+
+<p>He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to
+laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his
+breast- pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you
+deal with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man
+roared with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a
+distraction, a want of thought; I admitted it.</p>
+
+<p>"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no
+mistakes in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is
+clear, and I like your letter, too, but--"</p>
+
+<p>I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final
+say. He busied himself again with the bags.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of
+course it would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little
+error could not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it
+had so much weight with me that I decided at once upon another
+man."</p>
+
+<p>"So the place is filled?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"</p>
+
+<p>"No! I'm sorry, but--"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my
+parcel from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the
+peaceful folk on the footpath, and never once asked their
+pardon.</p>
+
+<p>As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my
+behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in
+his ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on,
+hardened by a blind rage that I could not control.</p>
+
+<p>He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have
+one between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace
+intentionally in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me;
+but he did not come. Was there now any reason whatever that
+absolutely every one of one's most earnest and most persevering
+efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written 1828? In what way did
+that infernal date concern me? Here I was going about starving, so
+that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and it was, as
+far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in the
+shape of food would turn up later on in the day.</p>
+
+<p>I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate;
+I was letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions,
+so that I lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people
+out of their rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making
+away with other men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p>Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores
+which spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and
+kept a watchful eye on me, and took heed that <em>my</em>
+destruction proceeded in accordance with all the rules of art,
+uniformly and gradually, without a break in the measure.</p>
+
+<p>But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with
+range because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal
+sin, an unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast
+me--down....</p>
+
+<p>I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly
+to the left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate
+doorway. I did not pause, not for one second, but the whole
+peculiar ornamentation of the entrance struck on my perception in a
+flash; every detail of the decoration and the tiling of the floor
+stood clear on my mental vision as I sprang up the stairs. I rang
+violently on the second floor. Why should I stop exactly on the
+second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell which was some
+little way from the stairs?</p>
+
+<p>A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and
+opened the door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me,
+then shook her head and said:</p>
+
+<p>"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to
+close the door.</p>
+
+<p>What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She
+took me without further ado for a beggar.</p>
+
+<p>I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a
+respectful bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with
+the utmost politeness:</p>
+
+<p>"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell
+was new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who
+has advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"</p>
+
+<p>She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and
+seemed to be irresolute in her summing up of my person.</p>
+
+<p>"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman
+living here."</p>
+
+<p>"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an
+hour?"</p>
+
+<p>"No!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps
+on the first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man
+I know, in whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," <a
+name="fnr3"></a> <a href="#fn3" class="fnsuper">3</a> and I bowed
+again and drew back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her
+embarrassment could not stir from the spot, but stood and stared
+after me as I descended the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's
+saying that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an
+icy shower. So it had gone so far with me that any one might point
+at me, and say to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those
+people who get their food handed out to them at folk's
+back-doors!"</p>
+
+<p>I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed
+the fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon
+the door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any
+fixed purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot.
+On reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a
+little, I found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all
+round outside the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I
+commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the
+corner of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again,
+dragging one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before
+each shop window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by.
+I felt a scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated
+strangely in my temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me
+fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there to escape being
+noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to Our
+Saviour's Cemetery.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my
+hands. In this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer
+felt the little gnawing in my chest.</p>
+
+<p>A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at
+the side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on,
+and reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost
+forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him.
+Tell him the truth right out, that things were getting awfully
+tight with me now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I
+could give him my shaving- tickets.</p>
+
+<p>Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I
+search nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them
+quickly enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear.
+I discover them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together
+with other papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.</p>
+
+<p>I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and
+forwards; I had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a
+notion of mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.</p>
+
+<p>I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of
+Kongsberg silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man
+outside the Opland Café between seven and eight.</p>
+
+<p>I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time
+went. The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me,
+and the day declined.</p>
+
+<p>After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six
+shaving- tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a
+bank? Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of
+spick and span tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.</p>
+
+<p>Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I
+could let go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer
+him my tie? I could well do without it if I buttoned my coat
+tightly up, which, by the way, I was already obliged to do, as I
+had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a large overlapping bow which
+hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and folded it up in a
+piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the tickets. Then
+I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the Opland.</p>
+
+<p>It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard
+by the café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp
+watch on all who went in and came out of the door. At last, about
+eight o'clock, I saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed,
+coming up the hill and across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered
+like a little bird in my breast as I caught sight of him, and I
+blurted out, without even a greeting:</p>
+
+<p>"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the
+worth of it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he
+turned his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last
+night and got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally
+haven't got it."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I
+took his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should
+lie about such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue
+eyes were moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing.
+I drew back. "Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a
+bit hard up." I was already a piece down the street, when he called
+after me about the little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered;
+"you are welcome to it. There are only a few trifles in it--a
+bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so touched
+at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I
+fell a-weeping....</p>
+
+<p>The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens,
+and it grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried
+as I walked, down the whole street; felt more and more
+commiseration with myself, and repeated, time after time, a few
+words, an ejaculation, which called forth fresh tears whenever they
+were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord
+God, I feel so wretched!"</p>
+
+<p>An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such
+weariness. I spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps,
+stole into doorways, and when any one approached, stood and stared
+absently into the shops where people bustled about with wares or
+money. At last I found myself a sheltered place, behind a deal
+hoarding, between the church and the bazaar.</p>
+
+<p>No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things
+must take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was
+such an endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could,
+and remain where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk
+round the church. I would not in any case worry myself any more
+about that, and I leant back and dozed.</p>
+
+<p>The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of
+the pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the
+windows about the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became
+aware of a figure standing in front of me. The flash of shining
+buttons told me it was a policeman, though I could not see the
+man's face.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.</p>
+
+<p>"Where do you live?" he queried.</p>
+
+<p>I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the
+little attic.</p>
+
+<p>He stood for a while.</p>
+
+<p>"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be
+getting home now; it's cold lying here."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said
+good-night, and instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I
+only set about it carefully, I might be able to get upstairs
+without being heard; there were eight steps in all, and only the
+two top ones creaked under my tread. Down at the door I took off my
+shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I could hear the slow
+tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little. After that I
+heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was
+accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly
+after me.</p>
+
+<p>Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside
+from the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a
+note lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the
+landlady--she might never have been up here since I went away.</p>
+
+<p>I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my
+astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window,
+examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written
+letters of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I
+thought, an answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the
+room again if I were for sneaking back.</p>
+
+<p>Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one
+hand, the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw
+myself up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get
+happily down the stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on
+my shoes, take my time with the laces, sit a while quietly after
+I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me, holding the letter in my
+hand. Then I get up and go.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the
+street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel against the
+lamp-post and open the letter. All this with the utmost
+deliberation. A stream of light, as it were, darts through my
+breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of
+joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was accepted--had
+been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight
+alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked
+out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the
+street, stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into
+space at nothing in particular. And time went.</p>
+
+<p>All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the
+streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little
+masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part II</h2>
+
+<p>A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out
+in a churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers.
+But whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and
+darkness closed in, and time for shutting the gates.</p>
+
+<p>I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck,
+lasted all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I
+had eaten anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil
+even had taxed me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of
+keys in my pocket, but not a farthing.</p>
+
+<p>When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight
+home, but, from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's
+workshop, where all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had
+got permission to occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed,
+not caring where I went, the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over
+to a scat near the railway bridge.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my
+distress, and felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay
+peaceful and lovely in the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would
+please myself by reading through the bit I had just written, and
+which seemed to my suffering head the best thing I had ever
+done.</p>
+
+<p>I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it,
+held it close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the
+other. At last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket.
+Everything was still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness,
+and little birds flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a
+soul visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.</p>
+
+<p>I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of
+keys, but not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take
+the papers out again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious
+nervous twitch. I selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows
+where I got the notion from--but I made a cornet, closed it
+carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled with something,
+and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew it onward
+a little, and then it lay still.</p>
+
+<p>By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and
+looked at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be
+bursting with shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe
+that it really did contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite
+audibly to guess the sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be
+mine.</p>
+
+<p>I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the
+thick fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money!
+I sat and gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go
+and steal it.</p>
+
+<p>Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do
+the same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times
+so that he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes.
+I sat and laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and
+swore with rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will
+get, the dog! Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to
+sink into hell's hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with
+starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron
+heels on the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he
+has the whole night before him; he does not notice the paper
+bag--not till he comes quite close to it. Then he stops and stares
+at it. It looks so white and so full as it lies there; perhaps a
+little sum--what? A little sum of silver money?... and he picks it
+up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an expensive feather;
+some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his big hands,
+and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and laughed,
+like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter
+was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears.</p>
+
+<p>Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman
+took a turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in
+my eyes, and hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with
+feverish merriment. I commenced to talk aloud to myself all about
+the cornet, imitated the poor policeman's movements, peeped into my
+hollow hand, and repeated over and over again to myself, "He
+coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he threw it away." I
+added new words to these, gave them additional point, changed the
+whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed
+once--Kheu heu!</p>
+
+<p>I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the
+evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy
+quiet overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to
+resist. The darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed
+the pearl-blue sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see
+outlined against the sky, looked with their black hulls like
+voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no
+pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt
+pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not
+to be noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant
+back. Thus I could best appreciate the well-being of perfect
+isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not a feeling of
+discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a whim, not
+a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of utter
+absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a sound
+disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my
+sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice
+of silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters
+out there will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear
+me far across the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells,
+and they will bear me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an
+undreamt-of grandeur awaits me, greater than that of any other man.
+And she herself will be sitting in a dazzling hall where all is
+amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will stretch out her
+hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I approach and
+kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have waited
+twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights.
+And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have
+breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand
+and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds
+of people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred
+tender maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all
+is of emerald; and here the sun shines.</p>
+
+<p>In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and
+rills of perfume are wafted towards me.</p>
+
+<p>I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of
+enchantment shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her,
+and she whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a
+crimson room, where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I
+faint.</p>
+
+<p>Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a
+whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."</p>
+
+<p>I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my
+thoughts are swept away in a hurricane of light....</p>
+
+<p>I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the
+policeman. There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My
+first feeling was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open
+air; but this was quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was
+near crying with sorrow at being still alive. It had rained whilst
+I slept, and my clothes were soaked through and through, and I felt
+a damp cold in my limbs.</p>
+
+<p>The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could
+distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.</p>
+
+<p>"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."</p>
+
+<p>I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I
+would have obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly
+without strength; added to that, I was almost instantly aware of
+the pangs of hunger again.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're
+walking off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go
+on."</p>
+
+<p>"I indeed thought there was something--something I had
+forgotten," I stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I
+stumbled away.</p>
+
+<p>If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious
+little brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along
+the street; and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of
+brown bread that would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was
+bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and
+wept.</p>
+
+<p>There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the
+street, stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he
+called me? A "Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a
+"Juggins" means. I turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with
+anger. Down the street I stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to
+it, jumped up again, and ran on. But by the time I reached the
+railway station I had become so tired that I did not feel able to
+proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my anger had
+cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath.
+Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what
+such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything.
+Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I
+found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He
+knew no better"; and with that I returned again.</p>
+
+<p>"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take
+into your head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet
+streets on dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me
+excruciatingly, and gave me no rest. Again and again I swallowed
+saliva to try and satisfy myself a little; I fancied it helped.</p>
+
+<p>I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before
+this last period set in, and my strength had diminished
+considerably of late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five
+shillings by some manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time
+with difficulty; not long enough for me to be restored to health
+before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again. My back and
+shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little
+gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward
+as I walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever
+was the reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not
+just as much entitled to live as any one else? for example, as
+Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders
+like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I not, in
+sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden in
+order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for
+situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and
+night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten
+bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little,
+and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a
+suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over
+a tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last
+winter, because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the
+whole thing; not a bit of it.</p>
+
+<p>I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as
+much as a spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.</p>
+
+<p>I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to
+read the labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed
+with myself over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not
+being able to make out what these tins held,--I rapped twice
+sharply on the window and went on.</p>
+
+<p>Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close
+up to him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten
+o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning
+with anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist,
+and said, "Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"</p>
+
+<p>He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared
+aghast at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's
+about time ye were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a
+bit?"</p>
+
+<p>I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness.
+I felt that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a
+café. Thank you very much all the same!"</p>
+
+<p>He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His
+friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had
+not even a little coin to give him.</p>
+
+<p>I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I
+struck my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my
+sight, I cried more violently.</p>
+
+<p>I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names,
+invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of
+abuse with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I
+was nearly home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped
+my keys.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my
+keys? Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable
+underneath and a tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at
+night, and no one, no one can open it; therefore, why should I not
+lose my keys?</p>
+
+<p>"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a
+little hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees;
+therefore, why should I not lose them?</p>
+
+<p>"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to
+Aker by the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I
+laughed to myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.</p>
+
+<p>I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my
+window above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get
+in.</p>
+
+<p>It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to
+my shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I
+would ask the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a
+constable, and earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in,
+if he could.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The
+police keys were not there; they were kept in the Detective
+Department.</p>
+
+<p>What was I to do then?</p>
+
+<p>Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!</p>
+
+<p>But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not
+money, I had been out--in a café ... he knew....</p>
+
+<p>We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and
+examined my personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents
+outside.</p>
+
+<p>"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself
+as homeless!" said he.</p>
+
+<p>Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a
+capital idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the
+suggestion. Could I simply go in and say I was homeless?</p>
+
+<p>"Just that."...</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>"Your name?" inquired the guard.</p>
+
+<p>"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"</p>
+
+<p>I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about
+disconnectedly and inspired me with many singular whims, more than
+I knew what to do with. I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the
+spur of the moment, and blurted it out without any calculation. I
+lied without any occasion for doing so.</p>
+
+<p>"Occupation?"</p>
+
+<p>This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation!
+what was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a
+tinker--but I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that
+was not common to every and any tinker--besides, I wore
+<em>pince-nez</em>. It suddenly entered my head to be foolhardy. I
+took a step forward and said firmly, almost solemnly:</p>
+
+<p>"A journalist."</p>
+
+<p>The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood
+as important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It
+roused no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I
+hesitated a little before answering. What did it look like to see a
+journalist in the night guard-house without a roof over his
+head?</p>
+
+<p>"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"</p>
+
+<p>"<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" said I. "I have been out a little too
+late this evening, more's the shame!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when
+young people are out ... we understand!"</p>
+
+<p>Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely
+to me, "Show this gentleman up to the reserved section.
+Good-night!"</p>
+
+<p>I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched
+my hands to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>. I knew Friele could show his teeth when he
+liked, and I was reminded of that by the grinding of the key
+turning in the lock.</p>
+
+<p>"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at
+the door.</p>
+
+<p>"And then does it go out?"</p>
+
+<p>"Then it goes out!"</p>
+
+<p>I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The
+bright cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well
+sheltered; and listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I
+couldn't wish myself anything better than such a cosy cell. My
+contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with
+eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave myself up to
+thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the police.
+This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them?
+"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with
+<em>Morgenbladet</em>? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in
+the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door- key and a
+pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up
+to the reserved section!"...</p>
+
+<p>All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without
+diminishing or flickering.</p>
+
+<p>I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the
+white walls-- nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed,
+and I undressed.</p>
+
+<p>But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to
+me. I lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of
+gloom that had no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.</p>
+
+<p>It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its
+presence oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my
+breath, and tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to
+no purpose. The darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and
+left me not a moment in peace. Supposing I were myself to be
+absorbed in darkness; made one with it?</p>
+
+<p>I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous
+condition has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no
+matter how much I tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to
+the most singular fantasies, listening to myself crooning
+lullabies, sweating with the exertion of striving to hush myself to
+rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in all the days of my
+life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I found myself
+here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate element
+to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous
+thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.</p>
+
+<p>A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me
+greatly--a nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow
+into it, and try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not
+at all. It was a downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I
+must guard against! Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely
+beside myself with curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize
+hold of my penknife in order to gauge its depth, and convince
+myself that it does not reach right into the next wall.</p>
+
+<p>I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to
+wrestle again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I
+could not hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for
+footsteps in the street, and got no peace until I heard a
+pedestrian go by--to judge from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I
+snap my fingers many times and laugh: "That was the very deuce!
+Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word. I rise up in bed
+and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered it. 'Kuboa.'
+It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you have
+discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import."</p>
+
+<p>I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy.
+Then I begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended
+to keep my discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of
+hunger. I was empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my
+thoughts.</p>
+
+<p>In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most
+singular jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning
+of my new word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or
+the Tivoli; <a name="fnr4"></a> <a href="#fn4" class=
+"fnsuper">4</a> and who said that it was to signify cattle show? I
+clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it
+was to signify cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not
+absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It
+was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I
+would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it.</p>
+
+<p>I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say
+nothing; give vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes
+pass over, and I wax nervous; this new word torments me
+unceasingly, returns again and again, takes up my thoughts, and
+makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion as to what it
+should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what it
+should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to
+myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a
+matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was
+the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me
+from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for this
+unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my head
+in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to
+let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have
+meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long since
+and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to
+signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not
+apprehend it? and I reflect profoundly in order to find something
+psychical. Then it seems to me that some one is interposing,
+interrupting my confab. I answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match
+in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to
+hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask why should I be
+forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a special
+dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the
+word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right
+in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware,
+I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....</p>
+
+<p>But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of
+bed to look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was
+in a fever, and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had
+drunk some I got into bed again, and determined with all my might
+to settle to sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep
+quiet. I lay thus for some minutes without making a movement,
+sweated and felt my blood jerk violently through my veins. No, it
+was really too delicious the way he thought to find money in the
+paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he is pacing
+up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue sea ...
+the ships....</p>
+
+<p>I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not
+sleep? The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable
+black eternity which my thoughts strove against and could not
+understand. I made the most despairing efforts to find a word black
+enough to characterize this darkness; a word so horribly black that
+it would darken my lips if I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I
+am carried back in thought to the sea and the dark monsters that
+lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and clutch me
+tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms that
+no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters,
+hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.</p>
+
+<p>I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had
+made such a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a
+bolt. Oh, did I not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands
+against the wooden frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to
+myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for a while and thought over
+that I was to die.</p>
+
+<p>Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word,
+am I not absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to
+signify?"... I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it
+now whilst I was talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and
+prostration, but I was not out of my senses. All at once the
+thought darted through my brain that I was insane. Seized with
+terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to the door, which I
+try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times to burst it,
+strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my fingers,
+cry and curse....</p>
+
+<p>All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had
+fallen to the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any
+longer.</p>
+
+<p>Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes,
+of a greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a
+presage--it must be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt
+it through every pore in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of
+delighted relief! I flung myself flat on the floor and cried for
+very joy over this blessed glimpse of light, sobbed for very
+gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself like a
+maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was
+doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had
+ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought
+reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my
+hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.</p>
+
+<p>What a night this had been!</p>
+
+<p>That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment.
+But then I was in the reserved section, high above all the
+prisoners. A homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.</p>
+
+<p>Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the
+lighter, ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting
+Cabinet Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech
+in a dress of red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far
+less nervous. If I only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my
+pocket-book at home! Might I not have the honour of assisting his
+Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in all seriousness,
+and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and lay
+down.</p>
+
+<p>By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree
+the outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of
+the door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating
+in its impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was
+broken; my blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes
+close.</p>
+
+<p>I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in
+all haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet
+through from last night.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said
+the constable.</p>
+
+<p>Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought
+with fear.</p>
+
+<p>Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat,
+all homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering
+clerk, and one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The
+officer on duty repeated constantly to the policeman at his side,
+"Did he get a ticket? Don't forget to give them tickets; they look
+as if they wanted a meal!"</p>
+
+<p>And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had
+one.</p>
+
+<p>"Andreas Tangen--journalist."</p>
+
+<p>I advanced and bowed.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"</p>
+
+<p>I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story
+as last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been
+out rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep
+well then?"</p>
+
+<p>I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet
+Minister!"</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up.
+"Good-morning."</p>
+
+<p>And I went!</p>
+
+<p>A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than
+three long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket,
+and I dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once.
+They would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and
+discover who I really was; they might arrest me for false
+pretences; and so, with elevated head, the carriage of a
+millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride out of
+the guard-house.</p>
+
+<p>The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and
+the traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I
+take? I slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I
+would try and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade,
+and watch the bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to
+steam. Hunger put in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast,
+clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.</p>
+
+<p>Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I
+ransack my memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to
+find him.</p>
+
+<p>Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm
+surrounded me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the
+Lier mountains.</p>
+
+<p>Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I
+found a chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To
+think that I hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the
+stable-boy bade me good-morning as usual.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine weather," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for
+the loan of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he
+could; besides that, I had written a letter for him once.</p>
+
+<p>He stood and turned something over in his mind before he
+ventured on saying it.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you
+wouldn't be so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only
+for a few days, sir. You did me a service once before, so you
+did."</p>
+
+<p>"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not
+now--perhaps later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up
+the stairs to my room.</p>
+
+<p>I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it
+was that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five
+shillings! God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me
+for five shares in the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">And the thought of these five shillings made me
+laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five
+shillings! My mirth increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a
+shocking smell of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly
+strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and I flung open the window
+to let out this beastly smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning
+to the table --this miserable table that I was forced to support
+with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am
+Tangen--Tangen, the Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out
+a little late ... the door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without
+rein in intricate paths. I was continually conscious that I talked
+at random, and yet I gave utterance to no word without hearing and
+understanding it. I said to myself, "Now you are talking at random
+again," and yet I could not help myself. It was as if one were
+lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep.</p>
+
+<p>My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my
+mood was unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no
+effort.</p>
+
+<p>"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of
+ruby-- Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah,
+how passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your
+arms are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for
+a plate of beef!"</p>
+
+<p>The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the
+horses below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily,
+glad at heart as a child.</p>
+
+<p>I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really
+in my thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my
+blood to remember it, and I took it out.</p>
+
+<p>It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I
+took to wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything
+looked! Small scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor;
+there was not a chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare
+walls. Everything had been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A
+few sheets of paper lying on the table, covered with thick dust,
+were my sole possession; the old green blanket on the bed was lent
+to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my
+fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would certainly be
+very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on my hat
+in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and
+hurry downstairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly
+certain I can help you in the afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I
+determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the
+office door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them
+carefully out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart
+beat audibly as I entered.</p>
+
+<p>"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the
+editor. No answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news
+amongst the provincial papers.</p>
+
+<p>I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.</p>
+
+<p>"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length,
+without looking up.</p>
+
+<p>How soon would he come?</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"</p>
+
+<p>How long would the office be open?</p>
+
+<p>To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave.
+"Scissors" had not once looked up at me during all this scene; he
+had heard my voice, and recognized me by it. You are in such bad
+odour here, thought I, that he doesn't even take the trouble to
+answer you. I wonder if that is an order of the editor's. I had,
+'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated story was
+accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to
+his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was
+obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to
+put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to
+Homandsbyen.</p>
+
+<p>Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student,
+living in the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli
+Pettersen was a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't
+stint it. I would get it just as sure as if I already held it in my
+hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as I went, over the shilling,
+and felt confident I would get it.</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to
+ring.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step
+inside. "I know his room."</p>
+
+<p>"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the
+attic?" He had moved.</p>
+
+<p>Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters
+to be sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the
+number.</p>
+
+<p>I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask
+Hans Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to
+account. On the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple
+of joiners stood planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings
+from the heap, stuck one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket
+for by-and-by, and continued my journey.</p>
+
+<p>I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny
+loaf at a baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the
+price.</p>
+
+<p>"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"</p>
+
+<p>"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out
+there? Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of
+letters that had come for him?</p>
+
+<p>I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the
+joiners--who are sitting with their cans between their knees,
+eating their good warm dinner from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers,
+where the loaf is still in its place, and at length reach Bernt
+Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The door is open, and I mount
+all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the letters out of my
+pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on the moment
+of my entrance.</p>
+
+<p>He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when
+I explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli
+had such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I
+discovered his card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen,
+Theological Student, 'gone home.'"</p>
+
+<p>I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled
+with fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter,
+a couple of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly
+quiet. There was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a
+feeling of any kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the
+letters, without coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went
+over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and
+did not move a finger. This numb feeling of drowsiness was almost
+like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for
+him."</p>
+
+<p>"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after
+the holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them
+then when he came back; they might contain matters of importance.
+Good-morning."</p>
+
+<p>When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in
+the open street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one
+thing, my good Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously,
+with set teeth, up to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not
+a bungler."</p>
+
+<p>Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing
+my attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask,
+with an unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed
+also to him, my child?" It did not sound right!</p>
+
+<p>With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once
+again, "Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head,
+and I make my voice whine, and answer, No!</p>
+
+<p>That didn't sound right either.</p>
+
+<p>You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I
+have invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most
+piteous tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again!
+Come, that was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the
+colic. So--o! that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in
+hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed;
+rail at myself for being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished
+passers-by turn round and stare at me.</p>
+
+<p>I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as
+steadily as I could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was
+at the railway square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to
+half-past one. I stood for a bit and considered. A faint sweat
+forced itself out on my face, and trickled down my eyelids.
+Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to myself--that is to say,
+if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to myself, and turned
+towards the railway bridge near the wharf.</p>
+
+<p>The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There
+was bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay
+porters with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming
+from the prams. An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and
+bends her brown nose down over her wares. The little table before
+her is sinfully full of nice things, and I turn away with distaste.
+She is filling the whole quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up
+with the windows!</p>
+
+<p>I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented
+forcibly to him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here,
+cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that....
+But the good man smelt a rat, and did not give me time to finish
+speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too, and followed him,
+firmly determined to convince him of his mistake.</p>
+
+<p>"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions,"
+said I; and I slapped him on the shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the
+sanitary conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive
+fear.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not
+render him a service in any way? show him about? Really not?
+because it would be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him
+nothing....</p>
+
+<p>But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered
+off, in all haste, to the other side of the street.</p>
+
+<p>I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed,
+and the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little
+farther away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a
+fragment of Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful
+strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through
+my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and
+I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is
+starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in
+tones, and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring
+high above the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...</p>
+
+<p>"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her
+little tin plate; "only a halfpenny."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and
+ransacked all my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make
+fun of her, and she goes away at once without saying a word.</p>
+
+<p>This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me,
+it would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and
+recalled her.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on,
+maybe tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I
+won't forget it. Till tomorrow, then...."</p>
+
+<p>But I understood quite well that she did not believe me,
+although she never said one word; and I cried with despair because
+this little street wench would not believe in me.</p>
+
+<p>Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about
+to give her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I;
+"wait only a moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.</p>
+
+<p>What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since
+it was in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The
+astonished child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I
+was compelled to let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a
+policeman thrusts his way through to me, and wants to know what is
+the row.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the
+little girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you
+needn't stand there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home
+and put on another."</p>
+
+<p>"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march,"
+and he gives me a shove on.</p>
+
+<p>"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers!
+However could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript,
+convince myself that it is lying in order and go, without stopping
+a second or looking about me, towards the editor's office.</p>
+
+<p>It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office
+is shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a
+thief, and stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do
+now? I lean up against the wall, stare down at the stones, and
+consider. A pin is lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it
+up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could
+I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though buttons are
+buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as good as
+new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off with
+my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being
+able to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I
+cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My delight got the upper
+hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the buttons one by one.
+Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed soliloquy:</p>
+
+<p>Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary
+embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips
+when you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less
+buttons than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open;
+it is a habit of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if
+you <em>won't</em>, well! But I must have a penny for them, at
+least.... No indeed! who said you were obliged to do it? You can
+hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes, well, you can
+fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are out
+looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well,
+good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a
+little late.</p>
+
+<p>Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality.
+I recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my
+pocket. He attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is
+suddenly intently busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire
+for the editor.</p>
+
+<p>"Not in, do you hear."</p>
+
+<p>"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself,
+I continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary
+errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. <a name="fnr5"></a>
+<a href="#fn5" class="fnsuper">5</a></p>
+
+<p>"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the
+desired effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My
+heart was in my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my
+courage, knocked, and entered the editor's private office.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."</p>
+
+<p>If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as
+acceptable. I felt as if I were on the point of crying and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"I beg you will excuse...."</p>
+
+<p>"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained
+that I again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get
+into his paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much
+effort.</p>
+
+<p>"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write
+is certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if
+you could only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In
+the meantime, I will read it," and he turned to the table
+again.</p>
+
+<p>There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why
+there was always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the
+first time.</p>
+
+<p>I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had
+complained about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some
+together for me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should
+not occur! Could I not see then that he was sitting at work?</p>
+
+<p>Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady.
+"About how soon shall I call in again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."</p>
+
+<p>I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness
+seemed to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate
+it. Rather die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the
+door, and felt once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having
+left the office without having asked for that shilling. I took the
+other shaving out of my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It
+helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought to be ashamed of
+yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered your head to
+ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience again?" and
+I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which I had
+almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever
+heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of
+his head just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable
+dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll
+teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself, left one street
+after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on with
+suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself
+whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle
+Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with
+vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over
+my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I
+said, and, in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and
+forced myself to keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged
+myself with pleasure at the spectacle of my own exhaustion. At
+length, after the lapse of a few moments, I gave myself, with a
+nod, permission to be seated, though, even then, I chose the most
+uncomfortable place on the steps.</p>
+
+<p>Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my
+face, and drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I
+was not sorry; I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for
+that shilling? Now I could see the consequences, and I began to
+talk mildly to myself, dealing out admonitions as a mother might
+have done. I grew more and more moved, and tired and weak as I was,
+I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without
+a tear.</p>
+
+<p>I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the
+same place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little
+children played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree
+on the other side of the street.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."</p>
+
+<p>"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat
+here now half-an-hour."</p>
+
+<p>"About that," I replied; "anything more?"</p>
+
+<p>I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place,
+I stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an
+answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made
+your voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to
+dissemble. From exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a
+horse.</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a
+new idea. I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that
+confounded the passers- by, and said: "Now you shall just go to
+Levion the parson. You shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try.
+What have you got to lose by it? and it is such glorious
+weather!"</p>
+
+<p>I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in
+the directory, and started for it.</p>
+
+<p>Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No
+rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience.
+You are hungry; you have come on important business--the first
+thing needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your
+words to a sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step
+farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted
+condition, fighting with the powers of darkness and great voiceless
+monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of; you hunger
+and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone so
+far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to
+bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised;
+you haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands
+together, and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace.
+As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its
+pomps in any form. Now it's quite another thing with a
+psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few shillings.... I
+stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours, 12 to
+4."</p>
+
+<p>Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang
+your head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not
+possible for me to get in God's name yet awhile.</p>
+
+<p>"He has gone out."</p>
+
+<p>Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all
+I intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the
+long walk? There I stood.</p>
+
+<p>"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it
+was such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and
+make a call.</p>
+
+<p>There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my
+chest to attract her attention to the pin that held my coat
+together. I implored her with a look to see what I had come for,
+but the poor creature didn't understand it at all.</p>
+
+<p>Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?</p>
+
+<p>Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to
+move herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?</p>
+
+<p>No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again,
+just for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out
+on the road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I
+commenced to feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about
+to break down in earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked
+at the door an hour too late. The time of grace was over. I sat
+down on one of the benches near the church in the market. Lord! how
+black things began to look for me now! I did not cry; I was too
+utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat there without trying
+to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and starving. My
+chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and sorely--nor
+would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired of
+that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown
+orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at
+once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins
+swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought
+after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would
+but keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it
+not a matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day
+earlier or one day later? If I had conducted myself like an
+ordinary being I should have gone home long ago, and laid myself
+down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I
+was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things were
+hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource
+of which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each
+time I still hoped for a possible succour I whispered
+repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to die."</p>
+
+<p>I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare
+myself. I would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I
+would lay my head upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest
+things I had left, and the green blanket. I ... The green blanket!
+Like a shot I was wide awake. The blood mounted to my head, and I
+got violent palpitation of the heart. I arise from the seat, and
+start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres, and time after
+time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green
+blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching
+something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop.
+Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over
+to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange
+thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose
+infinitely superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in
+me--half inward cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade
+good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I
+had my senses left.</p>
+
+<p>So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's
+Street. I knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first
+time. The bell on the door above my head gave a lot of violent
+jerks. A man enters from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of
+food, and stands behind the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall
+release them in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"No! they're steel, aren't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"No; can't do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a
+joke. Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking,
+I have no longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it
+off my hands."</p>
+
+<p>"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he
+replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it
+and said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that
+either."</p>
+
+<p>"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much
+better on the other side."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a
+penny on it anywhere."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought
+it might go with another old blanket at an auction."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no; it's no use."</p>
+
+<p>"Three pence?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the
+house!" I took it under my arm and went home.</p>
+
+<p>I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again,
+smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away
+every trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my
+right mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit
+this rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more
+unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been an attack of
+weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised me
+when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I
+had half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly
+offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had
+the opportunity of carrying into effect this fault which would have
+sullied the last hours I had to live.</p>
+
+<p>I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one
+of the seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my
+breast, apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with
+hunger. And time went by.</p>
+
+<p>I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter
+outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did
+not pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home,
+too, soon enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered
+fearfully.</p>
+
+<p>I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve
+and put it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble.
+Otherwise I did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People
+came and went; the noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter
+of tongues filled the air. I might try with the buttons. Of course
+there would be no use in trying; and besides, I was now in a rather
+bad way; but when I came to consider the matter closely, I would be
+obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction of my "Uncle's" as I
+went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly to my feet, and
+reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my eyebrows--fever
+was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once more I
+passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must
+stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to
+go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting
+thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to me
+seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and
+held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway
+and talked together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her
+head out of a window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I
+looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing in
+particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the
+world treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the
+Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I
+pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to
+die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was
+thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled
+along again, but again came to a standstill; I must be quite
+inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were sinking right
+into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very deuce that
+one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer
+hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a
+final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a
+head that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of
+fists that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and
+yet I went and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town
+of Christiania. Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in
+saddle, toiled day and night like a carrier's horse.</p>
+
+<p>I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains
+out of my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a
+street hussy prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well,
+now, there should be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it
+shall, or the devil take a worse hold of me.</p>
+
+<p>With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the
+consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on,
+without looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once
+more to martyr myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on
+purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy
+when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed insanely each time
+it hurt much.</p>
+
+<p>Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped
+many times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A
+gentleman just going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and
+ask to be locked up." I looked after him. One of our well-known
+lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my
+real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew
+quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt madness in
+my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was to be
+the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk.
+There was the haven in which I was to find rest.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I
+grew almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged
+to the wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be
+brought to the guard- house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which
+had not a spark of light in it. Not that! There must be other
+channels yet open that I had not tried, and I would try them. I
+would be so earnestly painstaking; would take good time for it, and
+go indefatigably round from house to house. For example, there was
+Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy
+would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked until I brought
+myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from
+on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so far
+away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest
+between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when
+times were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him
+for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I
+would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for
+the chief. They showed me into his office; there he sat--handsome,
+well-dressed in the latest style--running down some accounts. I
+stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand. Compelled by
+need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I could
+pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He
+would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking
+he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had
+finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and
+said, "No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word.</p>
+
+<p>My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the
+little polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his
+name have occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It
+won't be I that will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me
+tell you, at the same time, I've had about enough of this."</p>
+
+<p>I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I
+had turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and
+I had not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had
+really gone all too far with me. I had held myself up for many
+years, stood erect through so many hard hours, and now, all at
+once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging. This one day had
+coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I
+had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the pettiest
+huckster's shop, and what had it availed me?</p>
+
+<p>But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put
+inside my mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing
+loathsome to myself. Yes, yes; but it must come to an end.
+Presently they would lock the outer door at home? I must hurry
+unless I wished to lie in the guard-house again.</p>
+
+<p>This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With
+body bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs
+to deaden the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes
+fastened upon the paving- stones that I might not be forced to bow
+to possible acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God
+be praised! it was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's;
+I had three hours yet before the door would be locked. What a
+fright I had been in!</p>
+
+<p>Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I
+could. To think that I really could not succeed once in a whole
+day! If I told it no one could believe it; if I were to write it
+down they would say I had invented it. Not in a single place! Well,
+well, there is no help for it. Before all, don't go and get
+pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me
+have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why there is an end
+of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of oats in the
+stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was
+shut.</p>
+
+<p>I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt
+thirsty, luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I
+went and sought about for a place where I could get a drink. I was
+a long distance away from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a
+private house. Perhaps, though, I could wait till I got home; it
+would take a quarter of an hour. It was not at all so certain that
+I could keep down a draught of water, either; my stomach no longer
+suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the spittle I swallowed.
+But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all yet. There I
+stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a
+remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should
+certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some
+place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper
+article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think
+that I could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of
+my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew
+dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't
+I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings,
+with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had
+vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked
+to go there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my
+books seemed likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor,
+had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had
+written my first small poetical attempt, had been bought by an
+acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a photographer,
+to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to grumble about
+any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle" is sitting
+at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid of
+disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My
+voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and
+my heart beat like a sledge-hammer.</p>
+
+<p>He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his
+hands flat on the counter, and looked at my face without saying
+anything. Yes, I had brought something of which I would ask him if
+he could make any use; something which is only in my way at home,
+assure you of it--are quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what
+then? what was there about the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes
+down close to my hand. Couldn't he give me a couple of halfpence
+for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite according to his own
+judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares astonishedly at
+me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he liked
+himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in.</p>
+
+<p>Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned
+to his desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped
+for much, yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of
+being helped. This laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I
+suppose, be of any use trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course,
+I would let my glasses go in with them; that was a matter of
+course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if he wished,
+a halfpenny.</p>
+
+<p>"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses,"
+said "Uncle"; I told you that once before."</p>
+
+<p>"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the
+letters I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you
+will."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off
+with his hands.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I
+put on my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning
+away, bade him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual.
+Well, now, there was nothing more to be done! To think he would not
+take them at any price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I
+can't understand it.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the
+office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made
+excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.</p>
+
+<p>"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the
+steps. He came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what
+on earth do you look like? What were you doing in there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; what were you in with?"</p>
+
+<p>My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and
+stretched out my hand with the buttons in it.</p>
+
+<p>"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too
+far."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears
+choking my breast.</p>
+
+<p>"No; wait a minute," he said.</p>
+
+<p>What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my
+"Uncle," bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry,
+perhaps, for several days--owed his landlady?</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as
+well tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's
+better you come in along with me."</p>
+
+<p>I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of
+pride, and answered:</p>
+
+<p>"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past
+seven, and...."</p>
+
+<p>"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am,
+standing with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in
+with you, you hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow,"
+and he pushed me in.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part III</h2>
+
+<p>A week passed in glory and gladness.</p>
+
+<p>I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every
+day, and my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other
+into the fire.</p>
+
+<p>I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor
+brain of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I
+fancied that I wrote with more facility than before.</p>
+
+<p>The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon
+which I had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by
+the editor; and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it
+immediately, without even re-reading it again. In future, I would
+try another paper in order to open up more fields for my work.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come
+to the worst, I still had the ships to take to. The <em>Nun</em>
+lay alongside the wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work
+my way out to Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there
+was no lack of openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt
+rather roughly with me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much
+troubled with headaches, particularly in the morning, and my
+nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the day with
+my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the
+touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable
+door underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to
+bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me
+from every side. I was pretty well played out.</p>
+
+<p>Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short
+time it took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write.
+At this time both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn
+over with notes and written pages, upon which I worked turn about,
+added any new ideas which might have occurred to me during the day,
+erased, or quickened here and there the dull points by a word of
+colour--fagged and toiled at sentence after sentence, with the
+greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my articles being at
+length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into my pocket,
+and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made some
+arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few
+pence left.</p>
+
+<p>The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would
+be disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.</p>
+
+<p>I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and
+an enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man,
+bones and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous
+chasm, this dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to
+receive rejected work, newly crushed hopes.</p>
+
+<p>"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him,
+"the 28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple
+of letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket,
+and lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks
+at me. Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a
+half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a
+chair.</p>
+
+<p>I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat
+on, when I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but
+perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."</p>
+
+<p>He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through
+them. His face is turned towards me.</p>
+
+<p>And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose
+name I had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had
+exercised the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His
+hair is curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless.
+He has a habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch
+minister could look milder than this truculent writer, whose pen
+always left bleeding scars wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling
+of awe and admiration comes over me in the presence of this man.
+The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and I advanced a
+step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he had
+taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor
+bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it
+was....</p>
+
+<p>He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst
+he sat and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a
+refusal, I stretch out my hand a little, and say:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile
+to give him the impression that I take it easily.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use
+to us," he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't
+you try and write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon
+something that people understand better?"</p>
+
+<p>His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is
+rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not
+to take up his time any longer, I reply:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, I daresay I can."</p>
+
+<p>I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having
+taken up his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door
+handle.</p>
+
+<p>"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in
+advance; you can write for it, you know."</p>
+
+<p>Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this
+offer humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very
+much, all the same. Good-day!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to
+his desk again.</p>
+
+<p>He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I
+was grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it
+too. I made a resolution not to return to him until I could take
+something with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that
+would astonish the "commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be
+paid half-a-sovereign without a moment's hesitation. I went home,
+and tackled my writing once more.</p>
+
+<p>During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight
+o'clock and the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly
+to me.</p>
+
+<p>As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the
+labour and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands
+under the lamp- post exactly opposite my door.</p>
+
+<p>She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when
+I pass her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on,
+always the same thick veil that conceals her face and falls over
+her breast, and that she carries in her hand a small umbrella with
+an ivory ring in the handle. This was already the third evening I
+had seen her there, always in the same place. As soon as I have
+passed her by she turns slowly and goes down the street away from
+me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I became at once
+possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object of her
+visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of
+asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my
+assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly
+dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the
+dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might
+cost me something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money
+left at all. My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too
+depressing way upon me, and I had not even the courage to
+scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more
+taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since
+yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had
+often been able to hold out for a couple of days at a time, but
+latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I could not go
+hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day made me
+feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I
+tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered
+all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime,
+lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy
+shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could
+not keep out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose
+stopped by the sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into
+the dilapidated room.</p>
+
+<p>I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep
+myself alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a
+candle I would try to fag on through the night; it would only take
+a couple of hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I
+could call on the "commandor."</p>
+
+<p>I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my
+young acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a
+candle. I passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen
+tables at which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed
+into the back of the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without
+succeeding in finding my man.</p>
+
+<p>Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the
+street and took the direction to the Palace.</p>
+
+<p>Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think
+that my hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious
+strides, with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my
+ears, and my hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along,
+cursing my unlucky stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled
+hour in seven or eight months, not the common food necessary to
+hold body and soul together for the space of one short week, before
+want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into the bargain,
+gone and kept straight and honourable all through my misery-- Ha!
+ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve me,
+what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had
+even gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans
+Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my
+delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could
+not find words half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity.
+Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment a
+schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch
+it up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole
+night through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much
+for nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do
+anything.</p>
+
+<p>I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came
+to the conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in
+the park and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven.
+The streets were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all
+directions, quiet pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another.
+The great hour had commenced, the pairing time when the mystic
+traffic is in full swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in.
+Rustling petticoats, one or two still short, sensual laughter,
+heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far down near the
+Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a swamp,
+from which hot vapours exuded.</p>
+
+<p>I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The
+passion that thrills through the movements of every one of the
+passers-by, the dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant
+night, all commence to affect me--this air, that is laden with
+whispers, embraces, trembling admissions, concessions, half-uttered
+words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are declaring their
+love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not possess
+even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to
+be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began
+again to think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have
+stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet,
+that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and
+caroused with the proceeds.</p>
+
+<p>In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some
+measure--I take to picking all possible faults in the people who
+glide by. I shrug my shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly
+at them according as they pass. These easily-pleased,
+confectionery-eating students, who fancy they are sowing their wild
+oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a sempstress under
+the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who
+would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to fall down
+in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place at
+their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man
+or a stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to
+newcomers! Pray, mount!</p>
+
+<p>I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any
+one. I felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who
+scraped acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right
+before my eyes. I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing
+of being able to keep my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads
+(Parliament Place) I met a girl who looked fixedly at me as I came
+close to her.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" She stopped.</p>
+
+<p>Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run
+rather a risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really
+not? Yes; but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak
+plainly, asked to go along home with any one?</p>
+
+<p>She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to
+see what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly
+under my arm, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and we went too!"</p>
+
+<p>I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the
+car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went
+on.</p>
+
+<p>At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched
+all my pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head,
+and called me a dry cod.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've
+got gold?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.</p>
+
+<p>A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out
+to me:</p>
+
+<p>"You can come with me all the same!"</p>
+
+<p>I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street
+wench, and I said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and
+I was due at a place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices
+of that kind.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."</p>
+
+<p>"But I won't go with you in this way."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered.</p>
+
+<p>But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of
+this unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances
+at least.</p>
+
+<p>"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me
+now, Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew
+more and more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then
+believed that I, too, was one of those who went about the street at
+night and ran after little girls? Did she really think so badly of
+me? Had I perhaps said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did
+one behave as I had done when one was actuated by any bad motive?
+Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her
+those few paces, to see how far she would go on with it. For the
+rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart,
+and sin no more!" With these words I left her.</p>
+
+<p>I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and
+soliloquized aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good
+actions." Perhaps I had given this fallen creature an upward
+impulse for her whole life; save her, once for all, from
+destruction, and she would appreciate it when she came to think
+over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful heart.
+Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous!</p>
+
+<p>My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough
+to face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I
+might perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new
+door-key in my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to
+means of procuring a candle. There was no other way out of it. I
+would have to take my writing materials with me into the street,
+under a lamp-post. I opened the door, and went up to get my papers.
+When I descended once more I locked the door from the outside, and
+planted myself under the light. All around was quiet; I heard the
+heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in Taergade, and far
+away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked. There was
+nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears,
+and commenced to think with all my might.</p>
+
+<p>It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky
+enough to find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had
+stuck just at a rather difficult point in it, where there ought to
+be a quite imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a
+subdued gliding finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a
+climax as bold and as startling as a shot, or the sound of a
+mountain avalanche--full stop. But the words would not come to me.
+I read over the whole piece from the commencement; read every
+sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to crystallize my
+thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax. And into
+the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the
+constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from
+me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I
+stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the
+<em>Commandor</em>? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to
+keep my head above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed
+there for the space of an hour. The constable went his way. The
+cold began to get too intense for me to keep still. Disheartened
+and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the door again,
+and went up to my room.</p>
+
+<p>It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the
+intense darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes,
+and set about warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as
+I had done for a long time now, with all my clothes on.</p>
+
+<p>The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light,
+and set to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had
+succeeded by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and
+still I had not found an ending.</p>
+
+<p>I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor
+to try and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window;
+it was snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the
+paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room,
+took aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail,
+leant my head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with
+my forefinger on the floor, and then listened attentively, all
+without any object, but quietly and pensively as if it were some
+matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the while I
+murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own
+voice.</p>
+
+<p>But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just
+as before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled
+myself sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as
+I could. There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew,
+and set myself resolutely to again.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble,
+a score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to
+try and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was
+incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set
+myself to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this
+unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters
+that bristled up from the paper like small hairy creeping things,
+till at last I could neither make head nor tail of any of it. I
+thought on nothing.</p>
+
+<p>Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars
+and tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the
+stables as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and
+moistened my lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do
+anything; my chest was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I
+sank more and more together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed
+again. In order to warm my fingers a little I stroked them through
+my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts
+came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered over
+the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as
+if it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried
+afresh to shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my
+whole being like a mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat
+hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest permitted me--only to
+collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying helplessly, with my
+eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At length I stuck
+my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it. Something
+stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a
+stark-mad notion.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's
+reflection, I shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.</p>
+
+<p>I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood
+trickled from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very
+much, neither was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound
+to my senses. I shook my head, went to the window, where I found a
+rag, and wound it round the sore place. As I stood and busied
+myself with this, my eyes filled with tears; I cried softly to
+myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly pitiable. God in
+Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom grew
+closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my
+finale through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle.
+My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I
+did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as
+some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next day.
+Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to
+the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known
+in there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I
+used to buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a
+candle on the strength of my honest name; and for the first time
+for ages I took to brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as
+the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt
+my way down the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might
+perhaps rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to
+consider. "On no account," I replied to myself at last; I was
+unfortunately not in a condition to bear food. It would only be a
+repetition of the same old story--visions, and presentiments, and
+mad notions. My article would never get finished, and it was a
+question of going to the "Commandor" before he had time to forget
+me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the candle. With
+that I entered the shop.</p>
+
+<p>A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several
+small parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of
+her. The shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy,
+leaves the woman, and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of
+paper and shoves it over to me.</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I
+say. I say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and
+spoil my chance of getting what I want.</p>
+
+<p>My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected
+words; it was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a
+loaf from him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies
+himself with the woman's parcels again.</p>
+
+<p>She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin,
+out of which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy
+and I are alone. He says:</p>
+
+<p>"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package,
+and takes one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I
+can't get my request over my lips.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He
+simply asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins
+to count some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining
+stout pieces. He gives me back change for a crown.</p>
+
+<p>"Much obliged," he says.</p>
+
+<p>Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am
+conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not
+think about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all
+this wealth which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather
+up the money mechanically.</p>
+
+<p>I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb,
+paralyzed. I take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn
+my eyes upon a certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is
+suspended to a leather collar, and underneath this a bundle of
+string, and I stand and stare at these things.</p>
+
+<p>The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as
+I take my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of
+wrapping-papers strewn over the counter:</p>
+
+<p>"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"</p>
+
+<p>"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have
+winter in earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add:
+"Ah, well, it is none too soon."</p>
+
+<p>I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear
+as if it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely
+unwittingly, involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.</p>
+
+<p>I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the
+door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and
+that the shop-boy replied to me.</p>
+
+<p>I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was
+torn open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any
+astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money
+into my hand, and prepared to give it back.</p>
+
+<p>"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I
+strolled on, down the street, bearing it in my hand.</p>
+
+<p>My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to
+a lamp- post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in
+spite of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly
+helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the
+money into my pocket, and walked on.</p>
+
+<p>Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned
+over in my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to
+take a little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and
+plates inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation
+was too strong for me--I entered.</p>
+
+<p>"A helping of beef," I say.</p>
+
+<p>"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the
+lift.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and
+prepared to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I
+felt tolerably well concealed, and set myself to have a serious
+think. Every now and then the waitress glanced over at me
+inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was accomplished--my
+first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades were as
+nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help
+for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the
+shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go
+any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to
+live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract
+that....</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks
+down into the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy
+were to get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction
+about the bread, and the florin of which the woman got the change?
+It was not impossible that he would discover it some day, perhaps
+the next time I went there. Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my
+shoulders unobserved.</p>
+
+<p>"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on
+the table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so
+dark here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness
+touches me at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever
+change remains into her hand, close her fingers over it. She
+smiles, and I say in fun, with the tears near my ears, "There,
+you're to have the balance to buy yourself a farm.... Ah, you're
+very welcome to it."</p>
+
+<p>I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so,
+swallowed whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an
+animal-like way at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a
+cannibal.</p>
+
+<p>The waitress came over to me again.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a
+little towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost
+shyly, and dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever
+you like best ... from me ... without ... that is, if you
+will...."</p>
+
+<p>"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another
+time."</p>
+
+<p>She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her
+head. What a singular creature!</p>
+
+<p>When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea
+already. The waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the
+light--afraid to show myself too plainly to the young girl, who
+never for a moment suspected the depth of my misery; so I wished
+her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left.</p>
+
+<p>The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and
+could not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my
+mouth a little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to
+master this nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched
+my hands, and tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and
+gulped down furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I
+sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded
+with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I
+was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the street....
+I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted
+me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments for
+their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate,
+really little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that.</p>
+
+<p>I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him
+in great haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a
+man who had been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life
+and death, I said; he couldn't even keep beef down.</p>
+
+<p>"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered
+the man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking
+for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be
+half a bad notion;" and I go.</p>
+
+<p>I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for
+some boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was,
+swallowed it greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again.
+I took the road home.</p>
+
+<p>Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning
+against the lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a
+person of whom I get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady
+dressed in black again. The same black-clad lady of the other
+evenings. There could be no mistake about it; she had turned up at
+the same spot for the fourth time. She is standing perfectly
+motionless. I find this so peculiar that I involuntarily slacken my
+pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good working order, but I
+am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last meal. I pass
+her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of
+entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me.
+Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go
+straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening," she answers.</p>
+
+<p>Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her
+before; could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon,
+by-the-way, so earnestly for inquiring.</p>
+
+<p>Yes; she didn't quite know....</p>
+
+<p>No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and
+myself; it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's
+workshop.... She was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking
+any one there.</p>
+
+<p>At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for
+anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ...
+she stops.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening
+after evening, just for a whim's sake!</p>
+
+<p>That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it
+perplexed me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I
+jingled my money in my pocket, and asked her, without further ado,
+to come and have a glass of wine some place or another ... in
+consideration that winter had come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take
+very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely....</p>
+
+<p>Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do
+that; but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She
+... it was rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous
+about going up Carl Johann after it got so late.</p>
+
+<p>We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful
+feeling empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I
+looked at her the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the
+warmth that irradiated from her body; the perfume of woman that
+accompanied her; the sweet breath every time she turned her face
+towards me--everything penetrated in an ungovernable way through
+all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of a full, rather
+pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved out
+against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I
+surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,
+making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could
+not endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my
+fingers over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.</p>
+
+<p>"How queer you are," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Am I, really; in what way?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing
+outside a stable door, evening after evening, without any object
+whatever, just for a whim's sake....</p>
+
+<p>Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she
+liked staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a
+great fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?</p>
+
+<p>I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to
+bed before twelve o'clock at night.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this
+little tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing
+so. She lived up in St. Olav's Place.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali," I cried.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon?"</p>
+
+<p>"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."</p>
+
+<p>She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with
+her mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was
+there anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"No? well, what then?"</p>
+
+<p>I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.</p>
+
+<p>Hadn't she a sister?</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I
+know that? She had gone to Hamburg.</p>
+
+<p>"Lately?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a
+sister?</p>
+
+<p>I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.</p>
+
+<p>We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his
+arm; otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at
+the Tivoli a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer
+snows; the sky is clear.</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the
+lady, suddenly looking at me.</p>
+
+<p>Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition
+known at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still,
+it was delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in
+ignorance yet a while longer. So I lied. I answered:</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked,
+"Have you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"</p>
+
+<p>Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there?
+Into that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would
+be filled with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby
+clothes, and lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no
+waistcoat on....</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"</p>
+
+<p>And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made
+use; a few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain.
+What would one expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it
+did not interest me in the least to see animals in cases. These
+animals know that one is standing staring at them; they feel
+hundreds of inquisitive looks upon them; are conscious of them. No;
+I would prefer to see animals that didn't know one observed them;
+shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie with sluggish
+green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?</p>
+
+<p>Yes; I was certainly right in that.</p>
+
+<p>It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and
+peculiar savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy
+tread in the total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the
+woods; the shrieks of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of
+blood, the rumbling in space; in short, the reigning spirit of the
+kingdom of savage creatures hovering over savagery ... the
+unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored her. The
+consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me.
+If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her
+the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make
+out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be
+accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked
+beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was
+I walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at
+nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be
+worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap
+it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go
+right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew
+against us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack
+of food for many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from
+going home to get even a little milk into my parched mouth; a
+spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps be able to keep down.
+Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go to the
+deuce?...</p>
+
+<p>I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last
+extremity. I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I
+disgrace you right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes.
+Yes, it is positively true; I mean it."</p>
+
+<p>She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she
+exclaims suddenly:</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean by that?" I queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far
+now"; and she walked on a little faster.</p>
+
+<p>We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights
+in St. Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me
+your name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift
+up your veil so that I can see you? I would be really so
+grateful."</p>
+
+<p>A pause. I walked on in expectation.</p>
+
+<p>"You have seen me before," she replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali," I say again.</p>
+
+<p>"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right
+home. Were you tipsy that time?"</p>
+
+<p>I could hear again that she smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."</p>
+
+<p>"That was horrid of you!"</p>
+
+<p>And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.</p>
+
+<p>We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many
+lighted windows of No. 2.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank
+you for coming so far."</p>
+
+<p>I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood
+bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she
+asks, in a low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you
+only would!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but only a little way."</p>
+
+<p>And we turned round.</p>
+
+<p>I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on
+my head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning;
+turned it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy.
+It seemed to me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to
+destruction. She had expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my
+notion, it was her own desire. I walk on and look at her, and get
+more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me to her by each word
+she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my humble position,
+my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course madly through
+my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and resolved to
+feel my way by a little ruse.</p>
+
+<p>"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It
+was your sister."</p>
+
+<p>"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed.
+She stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an
+answer. She puts the question in all sober earnest.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of
+the two ladies who went on in front of me."</p>
+
+<p>"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once,
+loudly, heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said
+that just to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so;
+but you may just wait till you are blue first ... just for
+punishment."</p>
+
+<p>We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time.
+I do not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had
+seen me once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then
+comrades with me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly
+have been tipsy that time too, more's the shame.</p>
+
+<p>Why did she think that?</p>
+
+<p>Oh, I had laughed so.</p>
+
+<p>"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."</p>
+
+<p>"But now not any more?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist
+sometimes."</p>
+
+<p>We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther,"
+and we returned through University Street. When we arrived at the
+fountain once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I
+could not go any farther with her.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I suppose I must."</p>
+
+<p>But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the
+door with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in
+that, could there?</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted
+me clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so
+broken down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn,
+disfigured by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough
+to make one sink into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head
+involuntarily, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I not meet you any more then?"</p>
+
+<p>I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost
+wished for a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render
+me callous.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.</p>
+
+<p>"When?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>A pause....</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a
+minute," I asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to.
+Just for one moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking
+to."</p>
+
+<p>Another pause....</p>
+
+<p>"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said.
+"Will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."</p>
+
+<p>"At eight o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well."</p>
+
+<p>I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse
+for touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.</p>
+
+<p>"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was
+smiling again.</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over
+her forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms
+round my neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,
+bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her
+bosom heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself
+suddenly out of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly,
+whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs without a word
+more....</p>
+
+<p>The hall door shut.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with
+rain; great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud.
+The air was raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a
+strange state of confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone
+evening by the agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture
+(I had lain a while awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread
+out my arms and embraced myself and kissed the air. At length I
+dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of milk, and
+straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry,
+but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition.</p>
+
+<p>I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me
+that I might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to
+put on under my coat; it didn't matter what.</p>
+
+<p>I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began
+to examine it.</p>
+
+<p>While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and
+called up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He
+was a designer, and was on the way to his office.</p>
+
+<p>"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up,
+I haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with
+yesterday evening?"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare
+thought. "Supposing it was my <em>fiancée</em>."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" he exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."</p>
+
+<p>This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I
+lied in the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered
+the beer, drank it, and left.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few
+shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago,
+but now you shall have them during the next few days."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me
+back the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost
+immediately to my head. The thought of the previous evening's
+adventure overwhelmed me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not
+to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she were to begin to think things
+over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious of what?... My thoughts
+gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid
+of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its details. I saw
+the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the money,
+and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt
+when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no,
+only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk
+taking down the evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might
+take a new one for the occasion--his look, his threatening look.
+There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally dark....</p>
+
+<p>Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage,
+walked faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove
+that I had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an
+alarm, even if it should occur to him some day how it had all
+happened. He valued his situation far too dearly for that. No
+noise, no scenes, may I beg!</p>
+
+<p>But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and
+gave me no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly
+convinced that I had been happier before, during the period in
+which I had suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not
+polluted her with the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my
+God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and
+went straight over to the cake woman who was sitting near the
+chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even yet lift
+myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would
+show the whole world that I was capable of doing so.</p>
+
+<p>On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every
+farthing of it in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as
+if I wanted something, clapped the money without further ado into
+her hands. I spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my
+way.</p>
+
+<p>What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest
+man once more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was
+simply a delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed
+the whole matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much
+secret anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and
+shuddering time upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable
+nature rebelled against such a low action. God be praised, I had
+raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I
+said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place-- "only
+just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to
+such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her
+children wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with
+these reflections and considered that I had behaved in a most
+exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was out of my hands
+now!</p>
+
+<p>Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with
+satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and
+honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away
+with me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and
+buoyant; it was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and
+gleamed on my shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest
+pranks, to do something astounding, to set the whole town in a
+ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman.
+There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran riot in my
+brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a
+commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to
+take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and
+leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished every
+nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some
+little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying
+the expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of
+tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at
+Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and look at the
+droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and laughing.
+The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go
+ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly
+over to the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I
+called out, and we rolled off.</p>
+
+<p>On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several
+times into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood.
+Had he, too, grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my
+miserable attire had attracted his attention.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be
+beforehand with him, and I explained gravely that I must really
+meet this man. We stop outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the
+stairs right to the third storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It
+gives six or seven fearful peals inside.</p>
+
+<p>A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has
+round, gold drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey
+bodice. She looks at me with a frightened air.</p>
+
+<p>I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add
+further--a wool- dealer; in short, not a man one could make a
+mistake about....</p>
+
+<p>The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.</p>
+
+<p>She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made
+no effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew
+the person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to
+reflect a bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her,
+and ran downstairs again.</p>
+
+<p>"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.</p>
+
+<p>"Wasn't he there?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most
+violent excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to
+the driver. He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death,
+and he drove on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse
+sharply.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the
+box.</p>
+
+<p>"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."</p>
+
+<p>And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be
+likely to make any mistake about.</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you
+think it is a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light
+morning-coat came most inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for
+me such as I had fancied him.</p>
+
+<p>"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that?
+The name doesn't disgrace any one."</p>
+
+<p>"Hasn't he red hair?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that
+the driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he
+was right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to
+inform him that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just
+as he described him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be
+a phenomenon to see such a man without red hair.</p>
+
+<p>"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he
+had a knobbed stick."</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">This brought the man vividly before me, and I
+said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen the man without a
+knobbed stick in his hand, of that you can be certain, quite
+certain."</p>
+
+<p>Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He
+recognized him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck
+sparks as they touched the stones.</p>
+
+<p>All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second
+lost my presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his
+number is 69. This number struck me with such vivid clearness that
+it penetrated like a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I
+wouldn't forget it.</p>
+
+<p>I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies;
+crouched under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my
+lips and commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages
+through my brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am
+succumbing to influences over which I have no control. I begin to
+laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace of cause, still
+merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I have
+drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more
+and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it
+down inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach
+Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.</p>
+
+<p>I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head
+heavy. I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I
+pass. I come to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself
+in a lobby, a sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two
+boxes in it, one on top of the other, in one corner, and against
+the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To
+the right, in the next room, I hear voices and the cry of a child,
+and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an iron plate being
+hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter.</p>
+
+<p>I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any
+haste, without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in
+Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.
+"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."</p>
+
+<p>It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver
+who is waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without
+fear of being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in
+wool, who has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose
+existence I believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I
+should meet--had vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many
+other mad whims which came and went in turns. I recalled him no
+longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom.</p>
+
+<p>In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt
+languid and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still
+fell in great moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out,
+near the church, I sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by
+looked at me with much astonishment. I fell a-thinking.</p>
+
+<p>Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so
+heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not
+find it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it.
+Adversity had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me.
+I had become so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere
+shadow of what I once had been; my shoulders were sunken right down
+on one side, and I had contracted a habit of stooping forward
+fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what little I
+could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my
+room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn
+the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale
+sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of
+the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to
+have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy
+for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it, dried
+it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for it,
+it....</p>
+
+<p>I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad
+enough. I loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the
+loose, almost coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me,
+disgusts me. I feel myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean
+fingers. I hate the whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink
+from bearing it, from feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole
+thing would come to an end now, I would heartily, gladly die!</p>
+
+<p>Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own
+estimation, I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps
+homewards. On the way I passed a door, upon which the following was
+to be read on a plate-- "Winding-sheets to be had at Miss
+Andersen's, door to the right." Old memories! I muttered, as my
+thoughts flew back to my former room in Hammersborg. The little
+rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the lighthouse
+director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's new- baked
+bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one night I
+had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write
+anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I
+would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.</p>
+
+<p>As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the
+half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to
+stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the
+steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in
+her hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy
+and I stand face to face alone for the second time.</p>
+
+<p>"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What
+did this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at
+once? I got furious, and cried:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."</p>
+
+<p>This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster
+brain fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have
+cheated him of five shillings.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query
+impatiently, and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble
+and am ready to use force if he doesn't come to the point.</p>
+
+<p>But the poor man has no misgivings.</p>
+
+<p>Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with
+in this world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how
+it had all happened, show him where the fact was accomplished,
+where the money had lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and
+closed my fingers over it-- and he takes it all in and does
+nothing. He shifts uneasily from one foot to the other, listens for
+footsteps in the next room, make signs to hush me, to try and make
+me speak lower, and says at last:</p>
+
+<p>"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"</p>
+
+<p>"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to
+aggravate him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in
+his huckster head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could
+never have entered my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any
+benefit from it--that was opposed to my thoroughly honest
+nature.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do with it, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He
+must understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't
+forget the poor so....</p>
+
+<p>He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very
+dubious as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into
+trouble in any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being
+generous. Here I stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you
+simply, instead of being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle
+the dispute with me. Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for
+the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!' Good- day."</p>
+
+<p>I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my
+room, into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow,
+trembling in my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted
+instantly from my high horse, and sank together once more.</p>
+
+<p>I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched
+myself by the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and
+behaved like a lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly
+terror for the sake of his situation; he had not dared to make any
+fuss about the five shillings that were lost to the business, and I
+had taken advantage of his fear, had tortured him with my violent
+address, stabbed him with every loud word that I had roared out.
+And the master himself had perhaps been sitting inside the inner
+room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come out and
+inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the
+low things I might be tempted to do.</p>
+
+<p>Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an
+end. I would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs.
+I would not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary,
+I would have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my
+life for one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of
+lentils! Hear me only this once!...</p>
+
+<p>I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I
+might die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up
+my bed a little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me
+in the morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.</p>
+
+<p>All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have
+forgotten her the entire evening through! And light forces its way
+ever so faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that
+makes me so blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare,
+silken, balmy light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And
+the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples,
+seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last,
+a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and
+earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of fire,
+devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in
+brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom!</p>
+
+<p>And I saw and heard no more....</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole
+body bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At
+first I had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked
+about me in amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being,
+absolutely failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own
+arms and down my legs, was struck with astonishment that the window
+was where it was, and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear
+the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as if it came from
+above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish.</p>
+
+<p>My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on
+my elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in
+patches. My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but
+they caused me no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they
+were too stiff.</p>
+
+<p>As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a
+little dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the
+room a little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care
+to keep my balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not
+suffer much, and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into
+consideration, sad. On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It
+did not strike me just then that anything could be otherwise than
+it was.</p>
+
+<p>Then I went out.</p>
+
+<p>The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea
+that the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to
+be sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food,
+which grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my
+breast; carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as
+if a score of diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one
+side and gnawed for a little, then laid their heads on the other
+side and gnawed a little more, then lay quite still for a moment's
+space, and then began afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without
+any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere after them as they went
+on....</p>
+
+<p>I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of
+going to the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and
+wearisome; at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner
+of the market and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes
+and blinded me, and I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a
+little. I did not notice the place I was standing in; in fact, I
+did not think about it; the noise around me was something
+frightful.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this
+cry--hear it quite well, and I start nervously to one side,
+stepping as quickly as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a
+bread-van brushes past me, and the wheel grazes my coat; I might
+perhaps have been a little quicker if I had exerted myself. Well,
+there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a couple of toes were
+crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in my shoes.</p>
+
+<p>The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round
+on the van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it
+might have been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so
+dangerous.... I didn't think any bones were broken. Oh,
+pray....</p>
+
+<p>I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people
+who stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no
+mortal blow; comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough,
+as misfortune was bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that
+my shoe was crushed to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe.
+I help up my foot, and saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't
+intentional on either side; it was not the man's purpose to make
+things worse for me than they were; he looked much concerned about
+it. It was quite certain that if I had begged him for a piece of
+bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He would
+certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return,
+wherever he is!...</p>
+
+<p>I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself
+and my shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat,
+and bowed my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted.
+When it got dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I
+got there--and sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket
+out of my coat and took to chewing it; not with any defined object,
+but with dour mien and unseeing eyes, staring straight into space.
+I could hear a group of little children playing around near me, and
+perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some pedestrians pass me
+by; otherwise I observed nothing.</p>
+
+<p>All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars
+underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the
+balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend
+the steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor,
+I called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a
+threatening backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up
+there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I met.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I
+said; "only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to
+give him something to carry in his mouth."</p>
+
+<p>I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still
+remained a morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the
+man so heartily that he looked at me in amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you,"
+and I ascended the steps again.</p>
+
+<p>My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into
+one of the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go,
+and stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard.
+There was no light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all
+around me; and I began to gnaw at the bone.</p>
+
+<p>It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was
+forced to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only
+keep it down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was
+simply a matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited
+again. I grew wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel,
+and gulped it down by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no
+use. Just as soon as the little fragments of meat became warm in my
+stomach up they came again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in
+frenzy, burst into tears from sheer helplessness, and gnawed away
+as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone got wet and dirty with
+my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried as if my heart
+would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers that be
+to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.</p>
+
+<p>Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of
+the most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I
+cry with gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which
+might satisfy me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of
+all my efforts, it avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I
+am filled with the most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my
+fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers
+like claws, with ill-suppressed fury....</p>
+
+<p>I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that,
+if you did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with
+the fire of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and
+you repulsed me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity,
+because you did not know your time of visitation! I tell you that I
+am about to die, and yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with
+death staring me in the face--I tell you, I would rather be a
+bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I tell you, I am
+filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness; and I
+choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the
+devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!</p>
+
+<p>I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's
+most crass- headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell
+you, you have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most
+cherished harlots from here below, who have bent their knees
+piteously before you at their hour of death! I tell you, you have
+used force against me, and you know not, you omniscient nullity,
+that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my life, every
+cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock you--you
+Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could, breathe
+it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop
+in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom,
+and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's
+boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all
+thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell
+on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I
+tell you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you
+farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart
+and reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am
+silent, and turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.</p>
+
+<p>I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same
+spot, still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing
+after the violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my
+frenzied outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour,
+hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear
+voices--a conversation between two men who are coming down the
+passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls of
+the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog
+along Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar
+direction. It occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the
+corner of the market- place, the stores for loose materials, the
+old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the
+place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market, and were a
+blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned over in
+my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the
+Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had
+always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps
+not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or
+three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must
+admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to
+make a start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it
+was a tidy enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was
+still trembling over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then
+violently after my cry. I had a feeling that there was not much
+life left in me--that I was really singing my last verse. It was
+almost a matter of indifference to me; it did not trouble me in the
+least. On the contrary, I wended my way down town, down to the
+wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would, for that
+matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to die.
+My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot
+throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping
+up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular
+distress. I had endured worse sensations.</p>
+
+<p>In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no
+traffic, no noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a
+labourer or sailor slinking round with their hands in their
+pockets. I took notice of a lame man, who looked sharply at me as
+we passed one another. I stopped him instinctively, touched my hat,
+and inquired if he knew if the Nun had sailed. Someway, I couldn't
+help snapping my fingers right under the man's nose, and saying,
+"Ay, by Jove, the <em>Nun</em>; yes, the <em>Nun</em>!" which I had
+totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been
+smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.</p>
+
+<p>He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?</p>
+
+<p>The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in
+the air; it dangles a little.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in
+here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in
+the <em>Nun</em>, and I asked the man how far it might be to
+Holmestrand, reckoned in good old geographical miles.</p>
+
+<p>"To Holmestrand? I should think..."</p>
+
+<p>"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"</p>
+
+<p>"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him
+again. "You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit
+of tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"</p>
+
+<p>I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I
+made no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept
+his eye on me-- perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other
+way or another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his
+suspicious look following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by
+this creature. I turn round, and, dragging myself back to him,
+say:</p>
+
+<p>"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked
+fixedly at him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring
+fearfully at him. It was as if I saw him with my entire body
+instead of only with my eyes. I stare for a while after I give
+utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to the railway
+square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his gaze
+fixed upon me.</p>
+
+<p>"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I
+had a feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I
+had met him before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I
+pawned my waistcoat. It seemed to me an eternity since that
+day.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself
+against a house wall at the corner of the railway square and
+Harbour Street. Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to
+crawl away. As I do not succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead
+of me and fling all shame to the winds. There is no help for it. I
+am standing face to face with the "Commandor." I get
+devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from the wall in
+order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his
+compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the
+pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged
+him to walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him
+good-evening.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me.
+He slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I
+would have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has
+come yet!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got
+it finished, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, it didn't get finished."</p>
+
+<p>My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness,
+and I cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The
+"Commandor" tweaks his nose and looks at me.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he
+questions.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything
+today, but...."</p>
+
+<p>"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and
+starve yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger
+over to the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse,
+and he hands me half-a-sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,
+reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me
+starve to death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all
+at once. It is shameful of me to ... it was really too much....</p>
+
+<p>"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting
+for the train; I hear it coming now."</p>
+
+<p>I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I
+didn't even thank him once.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the
+"Commandor" at last. "I know you can write for it."</p>
+
+<p>And so off he went.</p>
+
+<p>When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I
+had not thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake
+him, but could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I
+came near tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away
+from me. I gave up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but
+dared not; and when after all I did muster up courage enough and
+called once or twice, he was already at too great a distance, and
+my voice had become too weak.</p>
+
+<p>I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept
+quietly and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He
+gave me half-a- sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where
+he had stood, imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up
+to my moistened eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to
+swear--to swear at the top of my voice, that there was no manner of
+doubt that what I held in my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour
+after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown very silent all
+around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11 Tomtegaden.
+After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and wondered
+thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into
+the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for
+shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>Tuesday.</p>
+
+<p>Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had
+disappeared. There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and
+laughter everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in
+jets, golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....</p>
+
+<p>At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived
+and found fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the
+merriest humour, and lazied about the whole afternoon through the
+most frequented streets and looked at the people. Even before seven
+o'clock I took a turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look
+up at the window of No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about
+the whole time in a state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would
+happen? What should I say when she came down the stairs?
+Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with the
+smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her.</p>
+
+<p>I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up
+Carl Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street.
+When the clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's
+Place. On the way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few
+minutes too late, and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My
+foot was very sore, otherwise nothing ailed me.</p>
+
+<p>I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood
+there a long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did
+not come. Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be
+delayed, and I waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the
+whole thing! Had my first meeting with her only existed in
+imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began in perplexity to
+think over it, and wasn't at all sure.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light
+steps near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the
+wide staircase before me.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take
+off my hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this
+way.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a
+little quickly after her walk.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And
+besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected,
+by-the-way, that you would come from another direction."</p>
+
+<p>"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the
+evening with them."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, indeed," I say.</p>
+
+<p>We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing
+at the corner, looking at us.</p>
+
+<p>"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and
+stops.</p>
+
+<p>"Wherever you wish; only where <em>you</em> wish."</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."</p>
+
+<p>A pause.</p>
+
+<p>Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:</p>
+
+<p>"I see it's dark up in your windows."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening
+off, too, so I am all alone at home."</p>
+
+<p>We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither
+of us had seen them before.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down
+at the door the whole time if you like."</p>
+
+<p>But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I
+had perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and
+leave me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable
+attire of mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.</p>
+
+<p>"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She
+says it right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You
+shall certainly not sit down by the door."</p>
+
+<p>We went up.</p>
+
+<p>Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand,
+and led me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she
+said, I could very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the
+candle--it was not a lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the
+candle, she said, with a little laugh:</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so
+ashamed, but I will never do it again."</p>
+
+<p>"What will you never do again?"</p>
+
+<p>"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never
+kiss you again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my
+arms to her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side
+of the table. We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle
+stood right between us.</p>
+
+<p>"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to
+seize hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil,
+and took off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched
+my movements. I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and
+fell, my sore foot refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in
+extreme confusion.</p>
+
+<p>"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully
+awkward of you."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me you limp."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that
+matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot;
+it is awful the number of afflictions you have."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead,
+young man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to
+appear grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by
+the door; you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I
+here--so, that's it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people!
+One has to say and do everything oneself; one gets no help to do
+anything. Now, for example, you might just as well put your arm
+over the back of my chair; you could easily have thought of that
+much out of your own head, couldn't you? But if I say anything like
+that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't believe what
+was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it several
+times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade
+me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to
+be otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were
+tipsy--when you followed me straight home and worried me with your
+witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you are quite
+certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really
+shameless of you."</p>
+
+<p>I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my
+blood raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of
+enjoyment in it!</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you say something?"</p>
+
+<p>"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here
+getting thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment
+thoroughly fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the
+most extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so,
+that I never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No,
+well, no, perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so
+desperately in love with you, and it is so preposterous ... for,
+great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a chance for me....
+What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you are
+called."</p>
+
+<p>"No; what is <em>your</em> name? Gracious, I was nearly
+forgetting that again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I
+meant to ask you--yes, that is to say, not <em>all</em> yesterday,
+but--"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you
+like that? It has a gliding sound...."</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Is that a foreign language?"</p>
+
+<p>"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it isn't ugly!"</p>
+
+<p>After a long discussion we told one another our names. She
+seated herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair
+away with her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.</p>
+
+<p>"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole
+a little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a
+scrap better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really
+shabby, and you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain;
+and in that state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and
+take wine with you--thanks, not me!"</p>
+
+<p>"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that
+you would not go with me?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I
+didn't even think about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring
+under the delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose,
+aren't you? And that is just what I can't do; I am very, very
+poor."</p>
+
+<p>She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, worse luck, I am."</p>
+
+<p>After an interval.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful
+movement of her head.</p>
+
+<p>Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like
+drops of wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting
+her head a little on one side, and listening when I said anything,
+and I could feel her breath brush my face.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get
+angry--when I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ...
+so ... as if you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could
+only be from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing,
+for otherwise...."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't believe it."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my
+arm around her waist.</p>
+
+<p>"Can I?" was all she said.</p>
+
+<p>It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me
+as being so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my
+heart, and seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a
+little away from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I
+felt ashamed, and looked out through the window. I was, in spite of
+all, in far too wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to
+imagine myself any one in particular. It would have been another
+matter if I had met her during the time that I still looked like a
+respectable human being--in my old, well- off days when I had
+sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt fearfully
+downcast!</p>
+
+<p>"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one
+can snub you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by
+just moving a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly,
+roguishly, with tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand
+being looked at, either.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see,"
+and I flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was
+mortified. Was the girl out of her senses? Did she think I was
+totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I would, by the living.... No one
+should say of me that I was backward on that score. The creature
+was possessed by the devil himself! If it were only a matter of
+going at it, well....</p>
+
+<p>She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither
+of us spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body
+greedily against my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her
+heart's beat, both hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying
+hoofbeats.</p>
+
+<p>I kissed her.</p>
+
+<p>I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she
+laughed at, whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek,
+kissed her many times....</p>
+
+<p>She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the
+breath of her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face;
+she strokes down my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a
+lot of loose hair there is."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I reply.</p>
+
+<p>"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie,
+I won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have
+believed that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already
+should lose your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way
+you really spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only
+the truth, do you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if
+you hide anything--there, tell now!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man
+you are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."</p>
+
+<p>It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid
+of thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the
+misgivings she had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in
+her eyes, make myself worthy of her, show her that she was sitting
+at the side of a person almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me,
+I could count my falls up to date on my fingers. I related--related
+all--and I only related truth. I made out nothing any worse than it
+was; it was not my intention to rouse her compassion. I told her
+also that I had stolen five shillings one evening.</p>
+
+<p>She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her
+shining eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good
+again, to disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled
+myself up.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of
+such a thing happening again; I am saved now...."</p>
+
+<p>But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she
+said, then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and
+kept silent after each "the Lord preserve me."</p>
+
+<p>I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted
+her up to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed,
+downright hurt. Was I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had
+myself been instrumental in causing the falling out of my hair?
+Would she have thought more of me if I had made myself out to be a
+<em>roué</em>?... No nonsense now;... it was just a matter of going
+at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at it, so, by the
+living...</p>
+
+<p>"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these
+distressing words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"</p>
+
+<p>I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean
+that!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon
+you followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."</p>
+
+<p>"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be
+now!"</p>
+
+<p>I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened,
+as if inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out.
+She made a despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little
+whimper.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear,
+kind...."</p>
+
+<p>I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so
+helpless, I was struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a
+compensation by giving me leave to kiss her! How charming, how
+charmingly naïve. I could have fallen down and knelt before
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't
+understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this
+is...."</p>
+
+<p>She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant
+back on the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in
+reality very ill at ease.</p>
+
+<p>She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first
+thing she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket
+as if to put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went
+over to the fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had
+shown me the door, I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared
+to leave.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know; it just came into my head."</p>
+
+<p>"That was odd."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of
+presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her
+with my presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went
+towards the door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give
+me her hand? I stood and waited.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained
+quietly standing over near the fireplace.</p>
+
+<p>I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her
+without saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when
+nothing was to come of it? What was the matter with her now? It
+didn't seem to put her out that I stood prepared to leave. She was
+all at once completely lost to me, and I searched for something to
+say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting word that would strike
+her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the face of my first
+resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold, disturbed
+and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling
+word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless
+fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and
+straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was
+no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding me
+that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as
+follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and
+I won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that
+she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she
+had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require
+much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken
+up her jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me
+immediately. As I said before, I had presentiments; and it was not
+altogether insanity that was at the root of it....</p>
+
+<p>"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out
+of my mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did
+not come over to me.</p>
+
+<p>I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with
+the painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my
+words went home, and all the same I did not cease.</p>
+
+<p>At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one
+were not insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on
+trifles, and died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that
+I had such a nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that
+degree sharpened certain powers in me, so that they caused me
+unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse
+luck! But this had also its advantages. It helped me in certain
+situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far nicer
+observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about
+him at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he
+hears from the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this
+way a task for his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is
+quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul
+bears the sears of the fire....</p>
+
+<p>And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the
+longer I talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered,
+"My God!" a couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I
+could see well that I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment
+her--but did it, all the same. At last, being of the opinion that I
+had succeeded in telling her in rude enough terms the essentials of
+what I had to say, I was touched by her heart-stricken expression.
+I cried:</p>
+
+<p>"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already
+have my hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say.
+"You might answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the
+point of going. I don't even ask to meet you again, for it would
+torment you. But tell me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What
+had I done to you? I didn't get in your way, now, did I? Why did
+you turn away from me all at once, as if you didn't know me any
+longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare, made me even
+more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but, indeed, I am
+not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing is
+the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or
+give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I
+will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the
+floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not
+to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will
+not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am
+standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on
+the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at
+your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your
+eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't
+move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as
+immovable as I stand now when I point out the place to you where I
+would have knelt before you, over there on the crimson rose in the
+carpet. I don't even point with my finger. I don't point at all; I
+let it be, not to frighten you. I only nod and look over at it,
+like this! and you know perfectly well which rose I mean, but you
+won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me, and dare not come
+near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the heart to call
+me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either, any longer?
+It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I worked too
+hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had too
+much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have
+remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is
+true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie.
+There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need
+I did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or
+Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket,
+and did not buy food all the same, because I forgot it. Do you
+hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you don't stir a
+bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...."</p>
+
+<p>She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I
+looked at her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true
+heartiness, or did she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her
+arms round my neck; she had tears in her eyes; I only stood and
+looked at her. She offered her mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it
+was quite certain she was making a sacrifice as a means of putting
+an end to all this.</p>
+
+<p>She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in
+spite of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did
+not hear aright. She may not have said just those words; but she
+cast herself impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms
+about my neck for a little while, stretched even up a bit on her
+toes to get a good hold, and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I
+was afraid that she was forcing herself to show me this tenderness,
+and I only said:</p>
+
+<p>"What a darling you are now!"</p>
+
+<p>More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back,
+rushed to the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there
+behind me.</p>
+
+<h2 class="spaced">Part IV</h2>
+
+<p>Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A
+foggy, dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh
+wind the whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day
+in the streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog.
+Every sound, the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the
+harness of the droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the
+hoofs, everything, sounded choked and jangling through the close
+air, that penetrated and muffled everything.</p>
+
+<p>Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the
+same.</p>
+
+<p>And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more
+closely bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where
+I had found shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money
+was exhausted long since; and yet I continued to come and go in
+this place as if I had a right to it, and was at home there. The
+landlady had, as yet, said nothing; but it worried me all the same
+that I could not pay her. In this way three weeks went by. I had
+already, many days ago, taken to writing again; but I could not
+succeed in putting anything together that satisfied me. I had not
+longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove early
+and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune
+had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.</p>
+
+<p>It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that
+I sat and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there
+since the first evening when I had money and was able to settle for
+what I got. All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last
+succeeding in getting together an article on some subject or
+another, so that I could pay for my room, and for whatever else I
+owed. That was the reason I worked on so persistently. I had, in
+particular, commenced a piece from which I expected great
+things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon which I
+intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander"
+in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent
+this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it
+only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why
+shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even
+now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter
+with me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread
+and butter, mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost
+flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I
+could stare down into the street from my window on the second floor
+without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it was
+becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already
+finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was....</p>
+
+<p>But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how
+weak I had really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted.
+Namely, on this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning
+which she asked me to look over. There must be something wrong in
+this reckoning, she said; it didn't agree with her own book; but
+she had not been able to find out the mistake.</p>
+
+<p>I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and
+looked at me. I added up these score of figures first once down,
+and found the total right; then once up again, and arrived at the
+same result. I looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on
+my words. I noticed at the same time that she was pregnant; it did
+not escape my attention, and yet I did not stare in any way
+scrutinizingly at her.</p>
+
+<p>"The total is right," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't
+be so much; I am positive of it."</p>
+
+<p>And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp
+chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any
+particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this
+little huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I
+tried honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but
+couldn't succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for
+some minutes I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to
+dance about in my head; I could no longer distinguish debit or
+credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop
+at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My
+brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese,
+and got no farther.</p>
+
+<p>"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in
+despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese
+entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here;
+you can see for yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind
+of Dutch cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this
+case five ounces."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted,
+although in truth I understood nothing more whatever.</p>
+
+<p>I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could
+have totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully,
+and thought over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I
+blinked my eyes reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter
+sharply, but I had to give it up. These five ounces of cheese
+finished me completely; it was as if something snapped within my
+forehead. But yet, to give the impression that I still worked out
+my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number aloud, all
+the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if I
+were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there
+is no mistake, as far as I can see."</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I
+saw well that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to
+throw a dash of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone
+that I had never heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I
+was not accustomed to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that
+she must only apply to some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths,
+to get the account properly revised. She said all this, not in any
+hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but thoughtfully and
+seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said, without
+looking at me:</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me for taking up your time then."</p>
+
+<p>Off she went.</p>
+
+<p>A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She
+could hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had
+turned back.</p>
+
+<p>"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there
+is a little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three
+weeks yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't
+so easy to keep things going with such a big family, so that I
+can't give lodging on credit, more's the...."</p>
+
+<p>I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told
+you about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished,
+you shall have your money; you can make yourself quite
+easy...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or
+perhaps already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it
+may move me some time tonight, and then my article will be
+completed in a quarter of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't
+with my work as with other people's; I can't sit down and get a
+certain amount finished in a day. I have just to wait for the right
+moment, and no one can tell the day or hour when the spirit may
+move one--it must have its own time...."</p>
+
+<p>My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much
+shaken.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in
+despair. No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for
+me--no salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned
+into a complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a
+piece of Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my
+senses when I could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not
+I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the
+reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the
+family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me
+anything about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I
+sat and saw it with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right
+at a despairing moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How
+could I explain this to myself?</p>
+
+<p>I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into
+Vognmandsgade. Some children were playing down on the pavement;
+poorly dressed children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed
+an empty bottle between them and screamed shrilly. A load of
+furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to some dislodged
+family, forced to change residence between "flitting time." <a
+name="fnr6"></a> <a href="#fn6" class="fnsuper">6</a> This struck
+me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float,
+moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with
+three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere
+child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her
+nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little
+blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of
+frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on,
+and looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to
+one another....</p>
+
+<p>I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending
+everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the
+window and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant
+singing in the kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air
+she was singing, and I listened to hear if she would sing false,
+and I said to myself that an idiot could not have done all
+this.</p>
+
+<p>I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up
+and begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one
+of them; he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what
+they are saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children
+crowded together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did
+they expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers,
+bones, cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse
+themselves with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and
+unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes
+continued to revile one another.</p>
+
+<p>Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their
+childish mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors'
+oaths, that they perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are
+both so engaged that they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out
+to see what is going on.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I
+couldn't breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man
+who is the cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning
+maliciously at him, he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to
+hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To think such vermin as you should
+catch folk by the throat. I will, may the Lord...."</p>
+
+<p>And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole
+street with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes
+him by the arm and tries to drag him in:</p>
+
+<p>"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear,
+too, as if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with
+you."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you will."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't."</p>
+
+<p>I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is
+rising; this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't
+endure it any longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a
+minute; I call twice, just to distract them--to change the scene.
+The last time I call very loudly, and the mother turns round
+flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her self-possession at
+once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright maliciously, and
+enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring. She talks
+loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought to
+be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are."</p>
+
+<p>Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not
+even one little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was
+acutely keen; I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood
+and thought out my own thought, about each thing according as it
+occurred. So it was impossible that there could be anything the
+matter with my brain. How could there, in this case, be anything
+the matter with it?</p>
+
+<p>Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you
+have been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving
+yourself no end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end
+to this tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and
+apprehend everything as accurately as you do? You make me almost
+laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without its humorous
+side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to every
+man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the
+simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure
+accident. As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a
+good laugh at your expense. As far as that huckster account is
+concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I
+can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!-- a cheese with cloves and pepper in
+it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the matter plainly, one
+could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous cheese is concerned,
+it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the world to be puzzled
+over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to finish a man;
+... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other Dutch
+cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said
+I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter.
+That is another matter.</p>
+
+<p>I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly
+diverting. There was positively no longer anything the matter with
+me. I was in good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form;
+I had a level head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and
+thanked! My mirth rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed
+with myself. I laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it
+really seemed, too, as if I only needed this little happy hour,
+this moment of airy rapture, without a care on any side, to get my
+head into working order once more.</p>
+
+<p>I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it
+progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not
+very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was
+altogether first- rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour
+without getting tired.</p>
+
+<p>I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of
+a Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a
+point, that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in
+comparison. I was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright
+profound way, this thought. It was not books that were burning, it
+was brains, human brains; and I intended to make a perfect
+Bartholomew's night of these burning brains.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste;
+my landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle
+of the room, she did not even pause on the threshold.</p>
+
+<p>I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a
+blow.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a
+traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to
+sleep downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to
+yourself there too." And before she got my answer, she began,
+without further ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the
+table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire
+confusion.</p>
+
+<p>My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in
+anger and despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing,
+never uttered a syllable. She thrust all the papers into my
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the
+room. And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new
+traveller already on the stairs; a young man with great blue
+anchors tattooed on the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed
+him, bearing a sea-chest on his shoulders. He was evidently a
+sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he would therefore not
+occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps, too, I might be
+lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my moments
+again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay
+on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to
+submit to fate.</p>
+
+<p>I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common
+room in which they all lived, both day and night--the husband,
+wife, wife's father, and four children. The servant lived in the
+kitchen, where she also slept at night. I approached the door with
+much repugnance, and knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices
+inside.</p>
+
+<p>The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge
+my nod even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no
+concern of his. Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person
+I had seen down on the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass."
+An infant lay and prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old
+man, the landlady's father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed,
+and bent his head down Over his hands as if his chest or stomach
+pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in his
+crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its
+ears at something.</p>
+
+<p>"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I
+said to the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."</p>
+
+<p>To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the
+cards. There this man sat, day after day, and played cards with
+anybody who happened to come in--played for nothing, only just to
+kill time, and have something in hand. He never did anything else,
+only moved just as much as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his
+wife bustled up and down stairs, was occupied on all sides, and
+took care to draw customers to the house. She had put herself in
+connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she paid a
+certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often
+gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was
+"Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the new lodger.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin,
+freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively
+wretched. A while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her
+where she intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that
+I could lie in here together with the others, or out in the
+ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she
+fussed about the room and busied herself with different things that
+she set in order, and she never once looked at me.</p>
+
+<p>My spirits were crushed by her reply.</p>
+
+<p>I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make
+it appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room
+for another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on
+purpose not to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the
+house.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then
+held my tongue.</p>
+
+<p>She still bustled about the room.</p>
+
+<p>"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't
+afford to give people credit for their board and lodging," said
+she, "and I told you that before, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I
+get my article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give
+you an extra five shillings--willingly."</p>
+
+<p>But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that;
+and I could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a
+slight mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.</p>
+
+<hr>
+<p>A few days passed over.</p>
+
+<p>I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in
+the ante- room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on
+the floor of the room.</p>
+
+<p>The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not
+seem like moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in
+and related how he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he
+was going to take his first-mate's examination before leaving, that
+was why he was staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and
+understood that my room was lost to me for ever.</p>
+
+<p>I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky
+enough to get anything written, it would have perforce to be here
+where it was quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me;
+I had got a new idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a
+one-act drama--"The Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the
+Middle Ages. I had especially thought out everything in connection
+with the principal characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who
+had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate
+against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the
+altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt for
+heaven.</p>
+
+<p>I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went
+on. She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes,
+and was exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be
+deformed and repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when
+she walked, her long limbs should gleam through her draperies at
+every stride she took. She was also to have large outstanding ears.
+Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable
+to look at. What interested me in her was her wonderful
+shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin which
+she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was
+absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and
+I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had
+finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much
+effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and
+had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with
+cold and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the
+last half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the
+children inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case,
+have written any more just then. So I took a long time up over
+Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering
+incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my
+drama. Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following
+happened:</p>
+
+<p>I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann
+Street, almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just
+outside this shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood
+there, but did not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then;
+my thoughts were far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of
+people talking together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing
+of what was said. Then a voice greeted me loudly:</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evening."</p>
+
+<p>It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I
+looked at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, always well ... as usual."</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with
+Christie?"</p>
+
+<p>"Christie?"</p>
+
+<p>"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at
+Christie's?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along
+with that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own
+accord."</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"</p>
+
+<p>"A false entry, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the
+face if I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently
+with much interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made
+no reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he
+said, as if to console me. He still believed I had made a false
+entry designedly.</p>
+
+<p>"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the
+best fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you
+stand there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty
+of such a mean trick as that? I!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you
+distinctly say that."</p>
+
+<p>"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if
+you want to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the
+pen wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell
+right from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were,
+into the bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of
+honour that keeps me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at
+least, it has kept me up to date."</p>
+
+<p>I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down
+the street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on
+a woman at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with
+"Missy," I would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I
+would not have given this toss of my head, as I turned away in
+offence; and so perhaps this red dress would have passed me without
+my having noticed it. And at bottom what did it concern me? What
+was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the
+lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to make good
+his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the
+whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up
+the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding
+delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:</p>
+
+<p>"Ylajali!"</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the
+two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his hat to them, and
+followed them with his eyes. I did not raise my hat, or perhaps I
+did unconsciously. The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and
+disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."</p>
+
+<p>"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know
+the lady?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."</p>
+
+<p>"Did I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd.
+Why, it was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."</p>
+
+<p>"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know
+her. It dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were
+three jovial souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and
+met this being going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they
+addressed her. At first she answered rebuffingly; but one of the
+jovial spirits, a man who neither feared fire nor water, asked her
+right to her face if he might not have the civilized enjoyment of
+accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord, not hurt a hair on
+her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her door,
+reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he
+could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along,
+hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag,
+and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged
+to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her
+coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my
+breath for his reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."</p>
+
+<p>We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks
+like," he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with
+that fellow; well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."</p>
+
+<p>I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the
+pace with her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her
+good-day with all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to
+console myself by thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a
+downright pleasure in dragging her through the mire. It only
+annoyed me to think that I had doffed my hat to the pair, if I
+really had done so. Why should I raise my hat to such people? I did
+not care for her any longer, certainly not; she was no longer in
+the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen off. Ah, the
+devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been the
+case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least
+astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her.
+But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute,
+like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously besmirched
+of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day
+might come when I would just take into my head to pass her
+haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen
+that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight
+into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It
+might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I
+knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama
+during the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I
+would have brought this young woman to her knees--with all her
+charms, ha, ha! with all her charms....</p>
+
+<p>"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He
+queried:</p>
+
+<p>"But what do you do all day now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I
+live by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign
+of the Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed
+with that, why...."</p>
+
+<p>"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight
+days' time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a
+little more of me."</p>
+
+<p>With that I left him.</p>
+
+<p>When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested
+a lamp. It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I
+would not go to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I
+hoped so surely to be able to write a good portion of it before
+morning. I put forward my request very humbly to her, as I had
+noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on my re-entering the
+sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a remarkable
+drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that it
+might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she
+would only just render me this great service now....</p>
+
+<p>But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call
+to mind that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until
+twelve o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I
+buy myself a candle?</p>
+
+<p>I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew
+that right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat
+inside with us-- simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the
+kitchen at all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I
+stood and thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl
+remarked to me:</p>
+
+<p>"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were
+you at a dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.</p>
+
+<p>I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something
+here, in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed
+persistently at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything;
+but it helped not a whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The
+landlady's two little girls came in and made a row with the cat--a
+queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its
+eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled down its nose. The
+landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and played <em>cent
+et un</em>. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and sewed at
+some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the
+midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more
+about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had
+been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile towards
+me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to
+resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account.
+Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big
+fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at
+me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She
+inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as
+she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was
+clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a
+pleasure in letting me know of it.</p>
+
+<p>I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to
+find a solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain;
+a strange buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust
+the papers into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting
+straight opposite me. I look at her--look at her narrow back and
+drooping shoulders, that are not yet fully developed. What business
+was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing I did come out of the
+palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She had laughed
+insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit awkward and
+stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my coat.
+It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy,
+that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected
+fragments of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made
+fun of them in every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my
+expense. I had never molested her in any way, and could not recall
+that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On the contrary, I
+made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in order not
+to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too, because
+my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I washed
+in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too,
+had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been
+run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in
+them. "God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them;
+"they are as wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were
+trodden out. But then I couldn't procure myself any others just at
+present.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the
+evident malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease
+the old man over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully
+bent on this diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked
+into his ears. I looked on at this for a while, and refrained from
+interfering. The old fellow did not move a finger to defend
+himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious eyes each
+time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the
+straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at
+this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father
+looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also
+drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on.
+Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children
+aside with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the
+landlord.</p>
+
+<p>And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out
+of fear of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this
+scene, I stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself
+quiet. Why should I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and
+butter by poking my nose into the family squabbles? No idiotic
+pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man, and I stood and felt
+as delightfully hard as a flint.</p>
+
+<p>The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them
+that the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at
+his eyes and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous
+expression; he said nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly
+he raised the upper part of his body a little and spat in the face
+of one of the little girls, drew himself up again and spat at the
+other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on, saw that the
+landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and sprang
+over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old
+boar?"</p>
+
+<p>"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside
+myself.</p>
+
+<p>But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I
+certainly did not utter my protest with any particular force; I
+only trembled over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards
+me, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just
+keep your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you,
+'twill serve you best."</p>
+
+<p>But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was
+filled with scolding and railing.</p>
+
+<p>"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the
+whole pack of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here
+you'll have to be quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that
+one is to keep open house and food for vermin, but one is to have
+sparring and rowing and the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room
+as well. But I won't have any more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h!
+Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your noses, too; if
+you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of such
+people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny
+to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the
+night and quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean
+to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you can go your
+way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to have
+peace in my own quarters, I am."</p>
+
+<p>I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again
+next the door and listened to the noise. They all screamed
+together, even the children, and the girl who wanted to explain how
+the whole disturbance commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all
+blow over sometime; it would surely not come to the worst if I only
+did not utter a word; and what word after all could I have to say?
+Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far advanced into the night,
+besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and show one could hold
+one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no attempt to
+leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never felt
+ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared
+coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an
+oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the landlady's
+attack.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be
+nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the
+card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as
+well.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to
+them. "If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean,
+if there's the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will
+be shown quick enough who it is...."</p>
+
+<p>She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short
+intervals, and spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it
+was me she meant. "Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She
+had not asked me to go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no
+putting on side on my part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!...
+That was really most singular green hair on that Christ in the
+oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or expressed with
+exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly correct
+remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas
+darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text,
+Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day
+of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour down
+to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before
+me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle
+that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory,
+just like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a
+winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on
+the right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head
+during the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust
+me from her door.</p>
+
+<p>"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this
+house. Now you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is
+mad, I do! Now, out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more
+chat about it."</p>
+
+<p>I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly
+not in order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had
+been a key in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in
+along with the rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical
+dread of going out into the streets again.</p>
+
+<p>But there was no key in the door.</p>
+
+<p>Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his
+wife, and I stood still with amazement. The same man who had
+threatened me a while ago took my part, strangely enough now. He
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can
+be punished for doing that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't
+say, but perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself
+quickly, grew quiet, and spoke no more.</p>
+
+<p>She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper,
+but I did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I
+pretended that I had had a little food in town.</p>
+
+<p>When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed,
+she came out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly,
+whilst her unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:</p>
+
+<p>"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow,
+if I tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some
+hiding-place. For the time being I would rejoice that I was not
+obliged to go out tonight.</p>
+
+<p>I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet
+light when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain
+in all my clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to
+do. When I had drunk a little cold water and opened the door
+quietly, I went out directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady
+again.</p>
+
+<p>A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the
+only living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men
+began to extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end,
+reached Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and
+still sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and
+very hungry, I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For
+three weeks I had lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my
+landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four
+hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at
+me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this
+thought I fell asleep again upon the seat....</p>
+
+<p>I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when
+I had collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and
+that every one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun
+burst over the heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my
+delight over the lovely morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks,
+I forgot all cares, and it seemed to me as if I had fared worse on
+other occasions. I clapped myself on the chest and sang a little
+snatch for myself. My voice sounded so wretched, downright
+exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with it. This
+magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too
+mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer,
+but hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the
+bridge. A large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged
+coal. I read her name, <em>Copégoro</em>, on her side. It
+distracted me for a time to watch what took place on board this
+foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she lay with IX foot
+visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had already
+taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship
+whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy
+boots.</p>
+
+<p>The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this
+busy, merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to
+run lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few
+scenes of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of
+my pocket.</p>
+
+<p>I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that
+ought to swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so
+I skipped over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the
+Deemster's oration to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote
+half-a-page of this oration, upon which I stopped. The right local
+colour would not tinge my words, the bustle about me, the shanties,
+the noise of the gangways, and the ceaseless rattle of the iron
+chains, fitted in so little with the atmosphere of the musty air of
+the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my drama as with a
+mist.</p>
+
+<p>I bundled my papers together and got up.</p>
+
+<p>All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt
+convinced that I could effect something if all went well.</p>
+
+<p>If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right
+there in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a
+single quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an
+hour. There was no other way open; I would have to go back to the
+lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I
+told myself all the while that it would not do. I went ahead all
+the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot.
+Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it was
+degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was
+not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I
+was one of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead.</p>
+
+<p>I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no
+matter what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said
+and done, what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first
+it was only a matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord
+forbid that I should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I
+entered the yard. Even whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I
+was irresolute, and almost turned round at the very door. I
+clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could excuse myself
+by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper adieu, and
+come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house....</p>
+
+<p>I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all
+irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of
+a sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the
+law to me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus
+dictate I and my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to
+think over what his conscience should dictate to him. A little row
+reached me from the room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine
+anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me what noise
+arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet
+now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything
+conspired against me. Outside in the street, something was taking
+place that disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the
+sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear
+of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot of paper
+streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and begins to
+curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and catches
+sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is leaning
+out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down on
+his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up
+at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five
+minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the
+little lad's tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible
+to get any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it
+seemed to me that even that which I had already written was unfit
+to use, ay, that the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could
+one possibly talk of conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was
+first invented by Dancing- master Shakespeare, consequently my
+whole address was wrong. Was there, then, nothing of value in these
+pages? I ran through them anew, and solved my doubt at once. I
+discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy pieces of remarkable
+merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set to work again
+darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama.</p>
+
+<p>I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to
+my landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the
+room firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the
+second floor, and entered my former room. The man was not there,
+and what was to hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would
+not touch one of his things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I
+would just seat myself on a chair near the door, and be happy. I
+spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees. Things went splendidly
+for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready in my head, and I
+wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the other, dashed
+ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over my
+happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I
+heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.</p>
+
+<p>A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church
+bell--a church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my
+drama. All was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard
+a step on the stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit
+ready to bolt, timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and
+excited by hunger. I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still
+in my hand, and listen. I cannot write a word more. The door opens
+and the pair from below enter.</p>
+
+<p>Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done,
+the landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here
+again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no
+farther; the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go,
+and shrieked:</p>
+
+<p>"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the
+police!"</p>
+
+<p>I got up.</p>
+
+<p>"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had
+to wait for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on
+the chair...."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the
+devil does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"</p>
+
+<p>By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I
+got furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my
+heels to get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the
+worst abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I
+bethought myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of
+gratitude to the stranger man who followed her, and would have to
+hear them. She trod close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my
+anger increased with every step I took.</p>
+
+<p>We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating
+whether I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment
+completely blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an
+expression that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in
+her stomach. A commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches
+his hat; I take no notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he
+inquires for me, but I do not turn round. A couple of steps outside
+the door he overtakes and stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear
+it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no
+note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask:</p>
+
+<p>"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave
+it to me."</p>
+
+<p>I stood still. The commissionaire left.</p>
+
+<p>I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and
+envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is
+still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her
+face. I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she
+was examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what
+one might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word,
+not to mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect
+calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face
+of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with
+dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I....</p>
+
+<p>When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place,
+the street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it
+buzzed vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of
+a house. I could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten
+myself from the cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it,
+so I remained standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my
+senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I
+lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried several
+other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth,
+wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a
+little. My thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was
+about to succumb. I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back
+from the wall. The street still danced wildly round me. I began to
+hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my very inmost soul with my
+misery; made a right gallant effort not to sink down. It was not my
+intention to collapse; no, I would die standing. A dray rolls
+slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in it; but out of sheer
+fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to assert that they
+are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful oaths that
+they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I
+swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have
+the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated
+with the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three
+fingers in the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of
+the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.</p>
+
+<p>Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and
+dried the sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long
+breaths, and forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it
+declined towards the afternoon. I began once more to brood over my
+condition. My hunger was really something disgraceful, and, in a
+few hours more, night would be here again. The question was, to
+think of a remedy while there was yet time. My thoughts flew again
+to the lodging-house from which I had been hunted away. I could on
+no account return there; but yet one could not help thinking about
+it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite within her rights
+in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging with any one
+when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally given me
+a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her, she
+offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer
+good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to
+complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her
+pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted
+bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and
+thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....</p>
+
+<p>Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger
+brought me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I
+thought clearly over this, and I divined at once how the whole
+thing hung together. I grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered
+"Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice, and flung back my head.
+Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had decided to pass her
+proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the greatest
+indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion,
+and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an
+end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a
+decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I
+turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in
+ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To
+accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back
+to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance
+offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of
+one's intense inner aversion....</p>
+
+<p>Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To
+go back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no
+use. There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only
+to exert myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in
+this case, great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary
+way! I must consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being;
+consider and find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I
+set to, to consider the answer to this problem.</p>
+
+<p>It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could
+perhaps meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama
+completed.</p>
+
+<p>I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with
+might and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I
+sweat, and re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No
+bosh! I say--no obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write
+down everything that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and
+be able to go away. I tried to persuade myself that a new supreme
+moment had seized me; I lied right royally to myself, deceived
+myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to seek for
+words.</p>
+
+<p>That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I,
+interpolatingly; only just write it down! Halt! they sound
+questionable; they contrast rather strongly with the speeches in
+the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle Ages shone through the
+monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth, jump to my feet,
+tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling my hat down
+in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to myself.
+Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few
+words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat.</p>
+
+<p>A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is
+standing in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to
+me. As I lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing
+there for a long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and
+go over to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he
+hauls out his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole
+time.</p>
+
+<p>"About four," he replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know
+your business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He
+looked utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping
+mouth, still holding his watch in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back.
+He was still standing in the same position, following me with his
+eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined
+effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into
+them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing
+a little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without
+feeling any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort
+of any kind, I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market,
+turned round at the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench
+near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of
+indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign or not? When
+once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no want
+where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was
+sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the
+messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole
+half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there was positively no
+help for it.</p>
+
+<p>I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract
+myself with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the
+half-sovereign still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my
+fists and got angry. It would hurt her if I were to send it back.
+Why, then, should I do so? Always ready to consider myself too good
+for everything--to toss my head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what
+it led to. I was out in the street again. Even when I had the
+opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I must needs
+be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man to
+stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my
+way.... I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging
+and brought myself into the most distressful circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of
+the yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign,
+and I had barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid
+it away to utterly strange people whom I would never see again.
+That was the sort of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit
+whatever I owed. If I knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret
+that she had sent me the money, therefore why did I sit there
+working myself into a rage? To put it plainly, the least she could
+do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and then. The poor girl was
+indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally in love with me;
+... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion. There was no
+doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.</p>
+
+<p>It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my
+prolonged nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made
+itself felt anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and
+gazed at the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was
+waging a fierce battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering
+greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out into space, a figure
+becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At last I can
+distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is that of
+the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the
+sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat,
+and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman
+before the same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and
+snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No
+nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if it was the wages of
+sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from
+Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of too much
+pride....</p>
+
+<p>I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a
+standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and
+shape my words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would
+return sometime.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."</p>
+
+<p>"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.</p>
+
+<p>I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of
+hers, this pretending not to know me again, and say:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did
+not say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call
+to mind, I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest
+folk to deal with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to
+say, draw up a contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who
+gave you the money!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come
+to think over it...."</p>
+
+<p>I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I
+say, therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in
+search of something to eat:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."</p>
+
+<p>She did not seem to take this in.</p>
+
+<p>"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any
+rate, the first instalment; I don't need all of them today."</p>
+
+<p>"You've come to get them?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh
+boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from
+the outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up
+from the table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.</p>
+
+<p>When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle
+of clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her
+wares, and gives me to understand that she had not expected me to
+return to rob her of them.</p>
+
+<p>"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an
+extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience
+that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care
+of, without that person returning and demanding them again? No;
+just look at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that
+it was stolen money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No;
+she didn't think that either. Well, that at least was a good
+thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so say, kind of her,
+in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed,
+she really was good!</p>
+
+<p>But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was
+exasperated, and called out loudly about it. I explained why I had
+given her the money, explained it temperately and with emphasis. It
+was my custom to act in this manner, because I had such a belief in
+every one's goodness. Always when any one offered me an agreement,
+a receipt, I only shook my head and said: No, thank you! God knows
+I did.</p>
+
+<p>But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to
+other expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense.
+Had it never happened to her before that any one had paid her in
+advance in this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who
+could afford it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I
+could not be expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange
+mode of procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had
+perhaps never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No?
+Just look at that now! In that case, she could of course have no
+opinion on the subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of
+her stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of
+my hand and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the
+table, and threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient
+with her, I said. Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I
+would clear her whole stand, because it was a big sum of money that
+I had given to her. But I had no intention of taking so much, I
+wanted in reality only half the value of the money, and I would,
+into the bargain, never come back to trouble her again. Might God
+preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of creature she
+was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or five,
+at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think
+of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her,
+persisted that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a
+shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you
+know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I; "God
+help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!"
+She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth,
+begged me to go.</p>
+
+<p>And I left her.</p>
+
+<p>Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found.
+The whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and
+ate my cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her
+shamelessness, repeated to myself what we both had said to one
+another, and it seemed to me that I had come out of this affair
+with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of
+everybody and talked this over to myself.</p>
+
+<p>The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no
+matter how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they
+were of no help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour
+the last little cake that I had decided to spare, right from the
+beginning, to put it aside, in fact, for the little chap down in
+Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played with the paper streamers.
+I thought of him continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped
+and swore. He had turned round towards the window when the man spat
+down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was laughing at
+him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down that
+way.</p>
+
+<p>I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed
+quickly by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and
+where some scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman
+whom I had amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which
+the laddie had been sitting.</p>
+
+<p>He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was
+gathering in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone
+in. I laid the cake down, stood it upright against the door,
+knocked hard, and hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I
+said to myself; the first thing he will do when he comes out will
+be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought
+of the little chap finding the cake.</p>
+
+<p>I reached the terminus again.</p>
+
+<p>Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten
+began to cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up
+anew in my head.</p>
+
+<p>Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one
+of those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I
+walk farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it,
+fold my hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and
+more confused. I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to
+keep up any longer. I just sit there and stare at the
+<em>Copégoro</em>, the barque flying the Russian flag.</p>
+
+<p>I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at
+the port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to
+him. I had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a
+reply, either.</p>
+
+<p>I said:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"</p>
+
+<p>I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was
+met by a refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the
+man gave me, so I stood and waited for it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young
+fellow."</p>
+
+<p>"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses
+furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway,
+and strode on deck.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put
+to. Where are you bound for?"</p>
+
+<p>"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the
+same to me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am
+used to a little of all sorts."</p>
+
+<p>He bethought himself again.</p>
+
+<p>I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this
+voyage, and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can
+really do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a
+poor sort of chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I
+was put to. I can take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to
+that. It would only do me good, and I could hold out all the
+same."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can
+part in England."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again
+that we could part in England if it didn't work.</p>
+
+<p>And he set me to work....</p>
+
+<p>Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and
+exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present
+to the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly
+in all the homes.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p>THE END</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><strong>Footnotes</strong></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn1"></a> <a href="#fnr1">[1]</a>
+Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway shave
+themselves.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn2"></a> <a href="#fnr2">[2]</a>
+Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap eating-house.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn3"></a> <a href="#fnr3">[3]</a> The
+last family bearing title of nobility in Norway.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn4"></a> <a href="#fnr4">[4]</a>
+Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn5"></a> <a href="#fnr5">[5]</a>
+Dwelling of the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.</p>
+
+<p class="footnote"><a name="fn6"></a> <a href="#fnr6">[6]</a>
+In Norway, l4th of March and October.</p>
+
+
+
+<PRE>
+
+
+</PRE>
+<hr>
+<PRE>
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