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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Hunger + +Author: Knut Hamsun + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8387] +[This file was first posted on July 6, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + +HUNGER + +by KNUT HAMSUN + +Translated from the Norwegian by GEORGE EGERTON + + +_With an introduction by Edwin Bjorkman_ + + + + + + + + Knut Hamsun + + Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, Hamsun is undoubtedly the + foremost creative writer of the Scandinavian countries. Those + approaching most nearly to his position are probably Selma Lagerloef in + Sweden and Henrik Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to + have less than he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation + and authority of tone that made the greater masters what they were. + + His reputation is not confined to his own country or the two + Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago over the rest of Europe, + taking deepest roots in Russia, where several editions of his collected + works have already appeared, and where he is spoken of as the equal of + Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The enthusiasm of this approval is a + characteristic symptom that throws interesting light on Russia as well + as on Hamsun. + + Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a man of the masses, full + of keen social consciousness. Instead, he must be classed as an + individualistic romanticist and a highly subjective aristocrat, whose + foremost passion in life is violent, defiant deviation from everything + average and ordinary. He fears and flouts the dominance of the many, and + his heroes, who are nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are + invariably marked by an originality of speech and action that brings + them close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric. + + In all the literature known to me, there is no writer who appears more + ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the self thus presented to us is + as paradoxical and rebellious as it is poetic and picturesque. Such a + nature, one would think, must be the final blossoming of powerful + hereditary tendencies, converging silently through numerous generations + to its predestined climax. All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were + sturdy Norwegian peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their + neighbours by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of + them into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not + have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by physical + environment and early social experiences. + + Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the sunny valleys of central + Norway. From there his parents moved when he was only four to settle in + the far northern district of Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the + year, and not the day, is evenly divided between darkness and light; + where winter is a long dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream + without sleep; where land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically + that man is all but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic + measures by the spectacle of their struggle. + + The Northland, with its glaring lights and black shadows, its unearthly + joys and abysmal despairs, is present and dominant in every line that + Hamsun ever wrote. In that country his best tales and dramas are laid. + By that country his heroes are stamped wherever they roam. Out of that + country they draw their principal claims to probability. Only in that + country do they seem quite at home. Today we know, however, that the + pathological case represents nothing but an extension of perfectly + normal tendencies. In the same way we know that the miraculous + atmosphere of the Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize + traits that lie slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this + basis the fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to + ordinary humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to + the living tissues. What we see is true in everything but proportion. + + The artist and the vagabond seem equally to have been in the blood of + Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed to a shoemaker, he used his + scant savings to arrange for the private printing of a long poem and a + short novel produced at the age of eighteen, when he was still signing + himself Knud Pedersen Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his + apprenticeship and entered on that period of restless roving through + trades and continents which lasted until his first real artistic + achievement with "Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that + practically every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was + then, and that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this + fact. It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary + struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly that + no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional details. + + Before he reached those heights, he had tried life as coal-heaver and + school teacher, as road-mender and surveyor's attendant, as farm hand + and streetcar conductor, as lecturer and free-lance journalist, as + tourist and emigrant. Twice he visited this country during the middle + eighties, working chiefly on the plains of North Dakota and in the + streets of Chicago. Twice during that time he returned to his own + country and passed through the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before, + at last, he found his own literary self and thus also a hearing from the + world at large. While here, he failed utterly to establish any + sympathetic contact between himself and the new world, and his first + book after his return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The + Spiritual Life of Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic + once described as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a + copy of this book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription + in the author's autograph: + + "A youthful work. It has ceased to represent my opinion of America. + May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun." + + In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a sketch, and as such it + appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary periodical, "New Earth." It + attracted immediate widespread attention to the author, both on account + of its unusual theme and striking form. It was a new kind of realism + that had nothing to do with photographic reproduction of details. It was + a professedly psychological study that had about as much in common with + the old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the + delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented in + the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the appearance of + the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as one of the chief + heralds of the neo-romantlc movement then spreading rapidly through the + Scandinavian north and finding typical expressions not only in the works + of theretofore unknown writers, but in the changed moods of masters like + Ibsen and Bjornson and Strindberg. + + It was followed two years later by "Mysteries," which pretends to be a + novel, but which may be better described as a delightfully irresponsible + and defiantly subjective roaming through any highway or byway of life or + letters that happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of + writing. Some one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings + from laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to + the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain + blended. + + The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," both published in 1893, were + social studies of Christiania's Bohemia and chiefly characterized by + their violent attacks on the men and women exercising the profession + which Hamsun had just made his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the + real Hamsun, the Hamsun who ever since has moved logically and with + increasing authority to "The Growth of the Soil," stood finally + revealed. It is a novel of the Northland, almost without a plot, and + having its chief interest in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions + to a nature so overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence + seem a sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun + has ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he + poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for the + first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing their feet + in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a never-setting sun. It is + a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to the forces let loose by it + within the soul of man. + + Like most of the great writers over there, Hamsun has not confined + himself to one poetic mood or form, but has tried all of them. From the + line of novels culminating in "Pan," he turned suddenly to the drama, + and in 1895 appeared his first play, "At the Gates of the Kingdom." It + was the opening drama of a trilogy and was followed by "The Game of + Life" in 1896 and "Sunset Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in + Christiania, the second in the Northland, and the third in Christiania + again. The hero of all three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who + is first presented to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at + 50. His wife and several other characters accompany the central figure + through the trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is + a rebel at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable + rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming truth-seeker + of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical leader in the first + acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to the powers that be in order + to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for his declining years, then + another man of 29 stands ready to denounce him and to take up the rebel + cry of youth to which he has become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor + and whimsical manner of expression do more than the plot itself to knit + the plays into an organic unit, and several of the characters are + delightfully drawn, particularly the two women who play the greatest + part in Kareno's life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more + of his many feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable + Northland nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the + trilogy must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of + Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's + seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action + rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be directed. + + Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," (1903), "Queen Tamara" + (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), the first mentioned is by far + the most remarkable. It is a verse drama in eight acts, centred about + one of Hamsun's most typical vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much + in common with Peer Gynt without being in any way an imitation or a + duplicate. He is a dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged + injustice, a rebel against the very powers that invisibly move the + universe, and a passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as + a joyful battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor + and charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play + was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any poetic + gift in the narrower sense. + + From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of volumes that simply marked + a further development of the tendencies shown in his first novels: + "Siesta," short stories, 1897; "Victoria" a novel with a charming love + story that embodies the tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In + Wonderland," travelling sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood," + short stories, 1903; "The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904; + "Dreamers," a novel, 1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and + travelling sketches, 1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906; + "Benoni," and "Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to + "Pan," 1908; "A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909; + and "The Last Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere + uncoordinated reflections, 1912. + + The later part of this output seemed to indicate a lack of development, + a failure to open up new vistas, that caused many to fear that the + principal contributions of Hamsun already lay behind him. Then appeared + in 1913 a big novel, "Children of the Time," which in many ways struck + a new note, although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is + now wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and + still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has crossed the + meridian at last and become an observer rather than a fighter and doer. + Nor is he the central figure to the same extent as Lieutenant Glahn in + "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life pictured is the life of a + certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, and later the town of + Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two isolated individuals. One + might almost say that Hamsun's vision has become social at last, were it + not for his continued accentuation of the irreconcilable conflict + between the individual and the group. + + "Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of the Soil"--the title ought + to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 continue along the path Hamsun + entered by "Children of the Time." The scene is laid in his beloved + Northland, but the old primitive life is going--going even in the + outlying districts, where the pioneers are already breaking ground for + new permanent settlements. Business of a modern type has arrived, and + much of the quiet humor displayed in these the latest and maturest of + Hamsun's works springs from the spectacle of its influence on the + natives, whose hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose + credulity in face of the improbable was only surpassed by their + unwillingness to believe anything reasonable. Still the life he + pictures is largely primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist, + and to us of the crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely + found in books today. With it goes an understanding of human nature + which is no less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in + whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms. + + Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday anniversary. He is as + strong and active as ever, burying himself most of the time on his + little estate in the heart of the country that has become to such a + peculiar extent his own. There is every reason to expect from him works + that may not only equal but surpass the best of his production so far. + But even if such expectations should prove false, the body of his work + already accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must + perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living writers. + To the English-speaking world he has so far been made known only through + the casual publication at long intervals of a few of his books: + "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered in the list above as + "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe that this negligence will + be remedied, and that soon the best of Hamsun's work will be available + in English. To the American and English publics it ought to prove a + welcome tonic because of its very divergence from what they commonly + feed on. And they may safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a + poet and laughing dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his + thinking is suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant + it to be anything else. + + EDWIN BJORKMAN. + + + + +Part I + + +It was during the time I wandered about and starved in Christiania: +Christiania, this singular city, from which no man departs without +carrying away the traces of his sojourn there. + + * * * * * + +I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike six. It was +already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up and down the stairs. +By the door where the wall of the room was papered with old numbers of the +_Morgenbladet_, I could distinguish clearly a notice from the +Director of Lighthouses, and a little to the left of that an inflated +advertisement of Fabian Olsens' new-baked bread. + +The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, to think +if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been somewhat hard-up +lately, and one after the other of my belongings had been taken to my +"Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A few times I had kept my bed +for the day with vertigo. Now and then, when luck had favoured me, I had +managed to get five shillings for a feuilleton from some newspaper or +other. + +It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the advertisements near +the door. I could even make out the grinning lean letters of "winding- +sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on the right of it. That occupied me +for a long while. I heard the clock below strike eight as I got up and put +on my clothes. + +I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I had a view +of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay the ruins of a +burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy clearing away. I leant +with my elbows resting on the window-frame and gazed into open space. It +promised to be a clear day--autumn, that tender, cool time of the year, +when all things change their colour, and die, had come to us. The +ever-increasing noise in the streets lured me out. The bare room, the +floor of which rocked up and down with every step I took across it, seemed +like a gasping, sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the +door, either, and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them +a little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with was a +little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the evenings and doze +and muse on all manner of things. When it blew hard, and the door below +stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds moaned up through the floor and from +out the walls, and the _Morgenbladet_ near the door was rent in strips a +span long. + +I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the bed for a +bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the window. + +God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again avail me +aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt noes, the +cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that always resulted in +nothing had done my courage to death. As a last resource, I had applied +for a place as debt collector, but I was too late, and, besides, I could +not have found the fifty shillings demanded as security. There was always +something or another in my way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire +Brigade. There we stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred +men, thrusting our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery, +whilst an inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt +their arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by, +merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my sight. I +applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted brows, and made +my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me by again with a smile; +he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I could no longer apply for a +situation in the garb of a respectable man. + +How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for a long +time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every conceivable +thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to read, when things +grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, up in the churchyards or +parks, where I used to sit and write my articles for the newspapers, I had +thought out column after column on the most miscellaneous subjects. +Strange ideas, quaint fancies, conceits of my restless brain; in despair I +had often chosen the most remote themes, that cost me long hours of +intense effort, and never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set +to work at another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I +used to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and +really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with +something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work. + +Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the +washing-stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my trousers +to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer. Having done this, +I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went out. I stole very quietly +down the stairs in order not to attract my landlady's attention (a few +days had elapsed since my rent had fallen due, and I had no longer +anything wherewith to raise it). + +It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices filled the +air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps of the pedestrians, +and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The clamorous traffic everywhere +exhilarated me at once, and I began to feel more and more contented. +Nothing was farther from my intention than to merely take a morning walk +in the open air. What had the air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a +giant; could stop a dray with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a +feeling of lightsome happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to +observing the people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on +the wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a +passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that crossed +or vanished from my path impress me. + +If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! The sense of +the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction became ill-regulated, and +for no definite reason I began to hum joyfully. + +At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for dinner. As I +passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth in the front of her +head. I had become so nervous and easily affected in the last few days +that the woman's face made a loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow +snag looked like a little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was +still full of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all +appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the +market-place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked up; the +dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower. + +I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling myself about +anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned off into a side +street without having any errand there. I simply let myself go, wandered +about in the pleasant morning, swinging myself care-free to and fro +amongst other happy human beings. This air was clear and bright and my +mind too was without a shadow. + +For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He carried a +bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all his strength in +his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear how he panted from the +exertion, and it occurred to me that I might offer to bear his bundle for +him, but yet I made no effort to overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans +Pauli, who nodded and hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had +not the slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than +that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a blanket +which I had borrowed from him some weeks before. + +Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be beholden to +no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very day I might +commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," "Freedom of Will," or +what not, at any rate, something worth reading, something for which I +would at least get ten shillings.... And at the thought of this article I +felt myself fired with a desire to set to work immediately and to draw +from the contents of my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place +to write in the park and not rest until I had completed my article. + +But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling movements ahead of +me up the street. The sight of this infirm creature constantly in front of +me, commenced to irritate me--his journey seemed endless; perhaps he had +made up his mind to go to exactly the same place as I had, and I must +needs have him before my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to +me that he slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if +waiting to see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would +again swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep +ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more and +more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little by little, +destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful morning down to +the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a great sprawling reptile +striving with might and main to win a place in the world and reserve the +footpath for himself. When we reached the top of the hill I determined to +put up with it no longer. I turned to a shop window and stopped in order +to give him an opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of +some minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of me--he +too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I made three or +four furious onward strides, caught him up, and slapped him on the +shoulder. + +He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. "A +halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew. + +So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: "For milk, +eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't really know how much +you are in need of it." + +"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't got a +farthing, nor have I got any work yet!" + +"Are you an artisan?" + +"Yes; a binder." + +"A what?" + +"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too." + +"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, minutes and I +shall go and get a little money for you; just a few pence." + +I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a +pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never been +before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my waistcoat, +rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I went upstairs and +knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, and threw the waistcoat +on the counter. + +"One-and-six," said the man. + +"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was beginning to be +a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part with it." + +I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all things, +pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have money enough +over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my thesis on the +"Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find existence more +alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid of him. + +"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first." + +The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was he standing +there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly examined the knees of +my trousers, and his shameless effrontery bored me. Did the scoundrel +imagine that I really was as poor as I looked? Had I not as good as begun +to write an article for half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever +for the future. I had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was +it of an utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely +day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a good +dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders, and said: + +"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of staring at a +man's knees when he gives you a shilling." + +He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth widely; +something was working in that empty pate of his, and he evidently came to +the conclusion that I meant to best him in some way, for he handed me back +the money. I stamped on the pavement, and, swearing at him, told him to +keep it. Did he imagine I was going to all that trouble for nothing? If +all came to all, perhaps I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected +an old debt; he was standing before an honest man, honourable to his +finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were needed; it +had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye! + +I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and I could +go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and stopped before a +grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with eatables, and I decided to +go in and get something to take with me. + +"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my sixpence on to +the counter. + +"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman ironically, +without looking up at me. + +"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled. + +I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the utmost +politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the park. + +I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my provender. +It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such a square meal, +and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal over me that one feels +after a good long cry. My courage rose mightily. I could no longer be +satisfied with writing an article about anything so simple and +straight-ahead as the "Crimes of Futurity," that any ass might arrive at, +ay, simply deduct from history. I felt capable of a much greater effort +than that; I was in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided +on a treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This +would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some of +Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials to commence +work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I had forgotten it in +the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my waistcoat pocket. + +Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting me today! I +swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a couple of turns up and +down the path. It was very quiet all around me; down near the Queen's +arbour two nursemaids were trundling their perambulators; otherwise, there +was not a creature anywhere in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered +temper; I paced up and down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely +awry things seemed to go! To think that an article in three sections +should be downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a +pennyworth of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle +Street and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a +good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill the +parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on "Philosophical +Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no one could say; and I +told myself it might be of the greatest possible help to many young +people. On second thoughts, I would not lay violent hands on Kant; I might +easily avoid doing that; I would only need to make an almost imperceptible +gliding over when I came to query Time and Space; but I would not answer +for Renan, old Parson Renan.... + +At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be completed. +For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look in the morning when +I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole day; it rose up and +confronted me again and again, even in my pleasant hours, when I had +otherwise not a gloomy thought. + +I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch my pencil +from the pawnbroker's. + +As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom I passed. +As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the arm. I looked up; +she had a full, rather pale, face. But she blushes, and, becomes suddenly +surprisingly lovely. I know not why she blushes; maybe at some word she +hears from a passer-by, maybe only at some lurking thought of her own. Or +can it be because I touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently +several times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her +parasol. What has come to her? + +I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the moment, go no +further; the whole thing struck me as being so singular. I was in a +tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on account of the pencil incident, +and in a high degree disturbed by all the food I had taken on a totally +empty stomach. Suddenly my thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a +singular direction. I feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this +lady afraid; to follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her +again, pass her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order +to observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the spur +of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a name with a +gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite close to me I draw +myself up and say impressively: + +"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat audibly as I +said it. + +"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on. + +My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, I was +fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being able to stop +myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I was inspired with the +craziest notions, which I followed blindly as they came to me. I couldn't +help it, no matter how much I told myself that I was playing the fool. I +made the most idiotic grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed +frantically as I passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly, +and always a few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and +involuntarily put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance. +By degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away in +other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who was going +along over the gravel hanging my head. + +A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had already stopped +at the first window, and as they go by I step forward and repeat: + +"You are losing your book, madam!" + +"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what book it is +he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop. + +I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute perplexity in +her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot grasp my short, +passionate address. She has no book with her; not a single page of a book, +and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks down repeatedly at her hands, +turns her head and scrutinizes the streets behind her, exerts her +sensitive little brain to the utmost in trying to discover what book it is +I am talking about. Her face changes colour, has now one, now another +expression, and she is breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on +her gown seem to stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes. + +"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the arm. "He +is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?" + +Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey to +peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me without my +observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the street towards +the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he had on a very narrow +collar of German silver. Farther up the street a window opened on the +second floor, and a servant-maid leant out of it, with her sleeves turned +up, and began to clean the panes on the outside. Nothing escaped my +notice; I was clear-headed and ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me +with a gleaming distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong +light. The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and +a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were +sisters. + +They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. I stopped +also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road as they had come, +passed me again, and turned the corner of University Street and up towards +St. Olav's place. I was all the time as close at their heels as I dared to +be. They turned round once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning +look, and I saw no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it. + +This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made me lower +my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of sheer gratitude I +would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of them until they entered +some place safely and disappeared. + +Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again before going +in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and listened for their +footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the second floor. I advanced +from the lamp-post and looked up at the house. Then something odd +happened. The curtains above were stirred, and a second after a window +opened, a head popped out, and two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me. +"Ylajali!" I muttered, half-aloud, and I felt I grew red. + +Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these flower-pots and +strike me on the head, or send some one down to drive me away? We stand +and look into one another's eyes without moving; it lasts a minute. +Thoughts dart between the window and the street, and not a word is spoken. +She turns round, I feel a wrench in me, a delicate shock through my +senses; I see a shoulder that turns, a back that disappears across the +floor. That reluctant turning from the window, the accentuation in that +movement of the shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of +all the delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad. +Then I wheeled round and went down the street. + +I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the window. The +more I considered this question the more nervous and restless I became. +Probably at this very moment she was standing watching closely all my +movements. It is by no means comfortable to know that you are being +watched from behind your back. I pulled myself together as well as I could +and proceeded on my way; my legs began to jerk under me, my gait became +unsteady just because I purposely tried to make it look well. In order to +appear at ease and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw +my head well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing +eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I escaped +down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle Street to get my +pencil. + +I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the waistcoat +himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through all the pockets. I +found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I pocketed as I thanked the +obliging little man for his civility. I was more and more taken with him, +and grew all of a sudden extremely anxious to make a favourable impression +on this person. I took a turn towards the door and then back again to the +counter as if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an +explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to hum in +order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in my hand, I held +it up and said: + +"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for any and +every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a different matter; +there Was another reason, a special reason. Insignificant as it looked, +this stump of pencil had simply made me what I was in the world, so to +say, placed me in life." I said no more. The man had come right over to +the counter. + +"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me. + +"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I wrote my +dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three volumes." Had he never +heard mention of it? + +Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the title. + +"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really not be +astonished that I should be desirous of having the little bit of pencil +back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; why, it was almost as +much to me as a little human creature. For the rest I was honestly +grateful to him for his civility, and I would bear him in mind for it. +Yes, truly, I really would. A promise was a promise; that was the sort of +man I was, and he really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door +with the bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high +position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice +profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my good-bye. + +On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, who +squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and I +voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give her, and +looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my head down. I heard +her knock at the office door; there was an alarm over it, and I recognized +the jingling sound it gave when any one rapped on the door with his +knuckles. + +The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town began to +get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for promenading. +Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl Johann Street. I stuck my +elbows closely to my sides, tried to make myself look small, and slipped +unperceived past some acquaintances who had taken up their stand at the +corner of University Street to gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up +Castle Hill and fell into a reverie. + +How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant heads, and +swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! There was no sorrow +in a single look I met, no burden on any shoulder, perhaps not even a +clouded thought, not a little hidden pain in any of the happy souls. And +I, walking in the very midst of these people, young and newly-fledged as I +was, had already forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these +thoughts to myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been +done me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I failed +to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the most singular +annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on a bench by myself or +set my foot any place without being assailed by insignificant accidents, +miserable details, that forced their way into my imagination and scattered +my powers to all the four winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in +a man's buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy +me for a length of time. + + * * * * * + +What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned against me? But +why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just as well against a man +in South America? When I considered the matter over, it grew more and more +incomprehensible to me that I of all others should be selected as an +experiment for a Creator's whims. It was, to say the least of it, a +peculiar mode of procedure to pass over a whole world of other humans in +order to reach me. Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or +Hennechen the steam agent? + +As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of it. I +found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's arbitrariness in +letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even after I had found a seat and +sat down, the query persisted in occupying me, and prevented me from +thinking of aught else. From the day in May when my ill-luck began I could +so clearly notice my gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it +were, too languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of +tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed me +out. + +Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got up and +paced backwards and forwards before the seat. + +My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of torture, I had +pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them in the usual way. I +experienced also great discomfort from my last full meal; I was oversated, +and walked backwards and forwards without looking up. The people who came +and went around me glided past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was +taken up by two men, who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I +got angry and was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel +and went right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat +down. + + * * * * * + +The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the highest +degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought for a place, +and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was but imploring +enough for a daily meal. + +I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for any length +of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently out of my head and +left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and far off, I no longer felt +its weight on my shoulders, and I had a consciousness that my eyes stared +far too widely open when I looked at anything. + +I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew more and more +bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If He meant to draw me +nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting me and placing obstacle +after obstacle in my way, I could assure Him He made a slight mistake. +And, almost crying with defiance, I looked up towards Heaven and told Him +so mentally, once and for all. + +Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my memory. The +rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, and I talked quite +softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly askew. Wherefore should I +sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, or for what I may array this +miserable food for worms called my earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly +Father provided for me, even as for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath +He not in His graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord +stuck His finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory +fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then the Lord +withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate root-like +filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the nerve-threads of the +filaments. And there was a gaping hole after the finger, which was God's +finger, and a wound in my brain in the track of His finger. But when God +had touched me with His finger, He let me be, and touched me no more, and +let no evil befall me; but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with +the gaping hole. And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord +God of all Eternity. + +The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the Students' +Allee. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my writing materials +to try to write something, and at the same time my book of shaving-tickets +[Footnote: Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway +shave themselves.] fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and counted the +tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I exclaimed involuntarily; +"I can still get shaved for a couple of weeks, and look a little decent"; +and I immediately fell into a better frame of mind on account of this +little property which still remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out +carefully, and put the book safely into my pocket. + +But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur to me; my +thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull myself together +enough for any special exertion. + +Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a fresh +impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the paper and +disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow harder and harder; to +no purpose, the little pests throw themselves on their backs, make +themselves heavy, and fight against me until their slender legs bend. They +are not to be moved from the spot; they find something to hook on to, set +their heels against a comma or an unevenness in the paper, or stand +immovably still until they themselves think fit to go their way. + +These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I crossed my legs +to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of high clarionet notes +waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my thoughts a new impulse. + +Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I replaced the +paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At this instant my head is +so clear that I can follow the most delicate train of thought without +tiring. As I lie in this position, and let my eyes glide down my breast +and along my legs, I notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time +my pulse beats. I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at +this moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt +before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks of +cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of my shoes +I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part of myself that +had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition trembles through my senses; +the tears well up in my eyes, and I have a feeling as if my shoes are a +soft, murmuring strain rising towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to +myself, and I clenched my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at +myself, for this ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect +consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and closed +my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears. + +As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study their looks, +their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their shape and their +worn uppers. I discover that their creases and white seams give them +expression--impart a physiognomy to them. Something of my own nature had +gone over into these shoes; they affected me, like a ghost of my other +I--a breathing portion of my very self. + +I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an entire hour. A +little, old man came and took the other end of the seat; as he seated +himself he panted after his walk, and muttered: + +"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!" + +As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept through my +head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the distracted phase +of mind I had just experienced dated from a long-vanished period, maybe a +year or two back, and was about to be quietly effaced from my memory. I +began to observe the old fellow. + +Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not in the +very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his hand, an old +number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), in which something +or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity was aroused, and I could not +take my eyes away from this paper. The insane idea entered my head that it +might be a quite peculiar newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity +increased, and I began to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It +might contain deeds, dangerous documents stolen from some archive or +other; something floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy. + +The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his newspaper as +every other person carries a paper, with its name out? What species of +cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either to like letting his +package out of his hands, not for anything in the world; perhaps he did +not even dare trust it into his own pocket. I could stake my life there +was something at the bottom of that package--I considered a bit. Just the +fact of finding it so impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair +distracted me with curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer +the man in order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my +shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to be +utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and said: + +"May I offer you a cigarette?" + +"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to spare his +eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the same. Was it long +since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he could not read either, +not even a paper? + +No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at me; his +weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a glassy +appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting impression on me. + +"You are a stranger here?" he said. + +"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in his hand? + +"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a stranger. +There was something in my accent which told him. It did not need much; he +could hear so well. At night, when every one slept, he could hear people +in the next room breathing.... + +"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'" + +On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I lied +involuntarily, without any object, without any _arriere pensee_, and +I answered-- + +"St. Olav's Place, No. 2." + +"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a fountain, +some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. "What number do you +live in?" + +Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about the +newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear the thing up, +at no matter what cost. + +"When you cannot read the paper, why--" + +"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without noticing my +disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in No. 2; what is your +landlord's name?" + +I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the spur of the +moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor. + +"Happolati!" said I. + +"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable of this +difficult name. + +I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a considering +air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid name which jumped +into my head the man had accommodated himself to it, and pretended to have +heard it before. + +In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt my +curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few grease +spots on the paper. + +"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and there was not +a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to remember he was." + +"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; this man is +namely J. A. Happolati, the agent." + +I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with everything +I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it would not have +roused his suspicions. + +"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way. + +"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; agent for +every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; feathers and down from +Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--" + +"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly excited. + +This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, and one lie +after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, forgot the +newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, and cut short the +old fellow's talk. + +The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I would +stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field grandly, and stop +his mouth from sheer amazement. + +Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had invented? + +"What? Elec--" + +"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a perfectly +extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in circulation; +foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of regular mechanics to +be employed; I had heard as many as seven hundred men." + +"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly. + +He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all that, he +was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had expected to see +him utterly bewildered by my inventions. + +I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the whole hog, +hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for nine years in Persia. +"You perhaps have no conception of what it means to be Minister of State +in Persia?" I asked. It was more than king here, or about the same as +Sultan, if he knew what that meant, but Happolati had managed the whole +thing, and was never at a loss. And I related about his daughter Ylajali, +a fairy, a princess, who had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a +couch of yellow roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I +had, may the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life! + +"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an absent air, +as he gazed at the ground. + +"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes like raw +silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as seductive as a kiss; +and when she called me, her voice darted like a wine-ray right into my +soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be so beautiful?" Did he imagine +she was a messenger or something in the fire brigade? She was simply a +Heaven's wonder, I could just inform him, a fairy tale. + +"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet bored me; I +was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in utter seriousness; +the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign power or other, no longer +occupied my thoughts; the little flat bundle of paper lay on the seat +between us, and I had no longer the smallest desire to examine it or see +what it contained. I was entirely absorbed in stories of my own which +floated in singular visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my +head, and I roared with laughter. + +At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched himself, +and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is said to own much +property, this Happolati?" + +How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the rare name I +had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over every huckster-shop +in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or forgot a syllable. The +name had bitten fast in his brain and struck root on the instant. I got +annoyed; an inward exasperation surged up in me against this creature whom +nothing had the power to disturb and nothing render suspicious. + +I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know absolutely +nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for all that his name +is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own initials." + +"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little astonished at my +vehemence; and with that he grew silent. + +"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter creature ... +Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really fat?" + +Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man might perhaps +have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered quite gently and meekly +to each of my assertions, and sought for words as if he feared to offend +and perhaps make me furious. + +"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here stuffing you +chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you don't even believe +that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I never saw your match for +obstinacy and malice in any old man. What the devil ails you? Perhaps, +too, into the bargain, you have been all this while thinking to yourself I +am a poverty-stricken fellow, sitting here in my Sunday-best without even +a case full of cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as +yours is a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord +strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you know +that?" + +The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and listened +to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel from off the +seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with the short, tottering +steps of an old man. + +I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to shrink at +each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the impression came, +but it appeared to me that I had never in my life seen a more vile back +than this one, and I did not regret that I had abused the creature before +he left me. + +The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle lightly in +the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups near the parallel +bars made ready to wheel their perambulators home. I was calmed and in +good spirit. The excitement I had just laboured under quieted down little +by little, and I grew weaker, more languid, and began to feel drowsy. +Neither did the quantity of bread I had eaten cause me any longer any +particular distress. I leant against the back of the seat in the best of +humours, closed my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was +just on the point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my +shoulder and said: + +"You must not sit here and go to sleep!" + +"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position rising +all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; find some way or +another out of it. To look for situations had been of no avail to me. Even +the recommendations I showed had grown a little old, and were written by +people all too little known to be of much use; besides that, constant +refusals all through the summer had somewhat disheartened me. At all +events, my rent was due, and I must raise the wind for that; the rest +would have to wait a little. + +Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand again, and I +sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each corner. If only now one +single effervescing thought would grip me powerfully, and put words into +my mouth. Why, I had known hours when I could write a long piece, without +the least exertion, and turn it off capitally, too. + +I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I write this +date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait until a workable idea +shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts flutter about in my head. The +feeling of declining day makes me downcast, sentimental; autumn is here, +and has already begun to hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies +and insects have received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in +the fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling, murmuring, +restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden existence of the whole +insect world is astir for yet a little while. They poke their yellow heads +up from the turf, lift their legs, feel their way with long feelers and +then collapse suddenly, roll over, and turn their bellies in the air. + +Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the delicately +blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle wanly sunwards, and +the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a sound as of errant +silkworms. + +It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, the roses +have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic tinge, through +their soft damask. + +I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction, gripped +by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic sleep. I rose, +oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious strides down the path. +"No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands; "there must be an end to +this," and I reseated myself, grasped the pencil, and set seriously to +work at an article. + +There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent staring me +straight in the face. + +Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to them, and +wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an introduction. It +would serve as a beginning to anything. A description of travel, a +political leader, just as I thought fit--it was a perfectly splendid +commencement for something or anything. So I took to seeking for some +particular subject to handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple +with, and I could find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion, +disorder began to hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain +positively snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light, +buoyant, and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in +my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be hollowed +out from top and toe. + +In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this cry many +times at a stretch, without adding one word more. + +The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a while +longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded it up and put +it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no longer owned a +waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat and thrust my hands in +my pockets; thereupon I rose and went on. + +If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my landlady had +asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged to hang my head and +slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could not do it again: the very +next time I met those eyes I would give warning and account for myself +honestly. Well, any way, things could not last long at this rate. + +On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put to flight. +The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat next him, filled +with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate as he sat. I immediately +wanted to go over and ask pardon for my conduct, but the sight of food +repelled me. The decrepit fingers looked like ten claws as they clutched +loathsomely at the greasy bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by +without addressing him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me, +dry as horn, and his face did not move a muscle. + +And so I went on my way. + +As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, to read +the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky enough to find one +that I might try for. + +A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple of hours' +book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I noted my man's +address, and prayed to God in silence for this place. I would demand less +than any one else for my work; sixpence was ample, or perhaps fivepence. +That would not matter in the least. + +On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, in which +she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as soon as I could. +I must not be offended, it was absolutely a necessary request. Friendlily +Mrs. Gundersen. + +I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 Groenlandsleret, put +it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar at the corner. Then I +returned to my room and sat down in the rocking-chair to think, whilst the +darkness grew closer and closer. Sitting up late began to be difficult +now. + +I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I opened my +eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five strokes of the +clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but sleep had down. I +grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought of a thousand things. + +Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story strike me, +delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before found the equal. I +lie and repeat these words over to myself, and find that they are capital. +Little by little others come and fit themselves to the preceding ones. I +grow keenly wakeful. I get up and snatch paper and pencil from the table +behind my bed. It was as if a vein had burst in me; one word follows +another, and they fit themselves together harmoniously with telling +effect. Scene piles on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain, +and a wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed, +and fill page after page, without a moment's pause. + +Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly that I miss +a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down quickly enough, although +I work with all my might. They continue to invade me; I am full of my +subject, and every word I write is inspired. + +This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time before it +comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages lying on my knees +before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil aside, So sure as there +is any worth in these pages, so sure am I saved. I jump out of bed and +dress myself, It grows lighter. I can half distinguish the lighthouse +director's announcement down near the door, and near the window it is +already so light that I could, in case of necessity, see to write. I set +to work immediately to make a fair copy of what I have written. + +An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates from these +fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one good thing after +another, and tell myself that this is the best thing I have ever read. My +head swims with a sense of satisfaction; delight inflates me; I grow +grandiose. + +I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, for five +shillings on the spot. + +It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five shillings; on +the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might be considered +dirt-cheap, considering the quality of the thing. + +I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As far as I +was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the wayside, and I +decided on half-a-sovereign. + +The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the door, and +could distinguish without particular trouble the skeleton-like letters of +Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement to the right of it. It was +also a good while since the clock has struck seven. + +I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. Everything +well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather opportunely. This +was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there were only common enough +green curtains at the windows, and neither were there any pegs too many on +the wall. The poor little rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality +a mere attempt at a rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one +might easily split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for +a grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a +boot-jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not adopted for +the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not intend to keep it any +longer. On no account would I keep it. I had held my peace, and endured +and lived far too long in such a den. + +Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my remarkable +sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket and re-read, I +determined to set seriously to work with my flitting. I took out my +bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a few clean collars and some +crumpled newspapers, in which I had occasionally carried home bread. I +rolled my blanket up and pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I +ransacked every corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind, +and as I could not find anything, went over to the window and looked out. + +The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the burnt-out +smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched tightly from wall +to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar to me, so I stepped back +from the window, took the blanket under my arm, and made a low bow to the +lighthouse director's announcement, bowed again to Miss Andersen's +winding-sheet advertisement, and opened the door. Suddenly the thought of +my land-lady struck me; she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so +that she could see she had had an honest soul to deal with. + +I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime in which +I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved for some time to +come increased so strongly in me that I even promised her five shillings. +I would call in some day when passing by. + +Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of person her +roof had sheltered. + +I left the note behind me on the table. + +Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant feeling of +having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and made me feel +grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt down at the bedside and +thanked God aloud for His great goodness to me that morning. + +I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just felt and +noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in answer to my +yesterday's cry for aid. + +"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for enthusiasm +over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen if any one was on +the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. I stole noiselessly down +each flight and reached the door unseen. + +The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in the early +morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and there was no glint +of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day would bring forth? I went as +usual in the direction of the Town Hall, and saw that it was half-past +eight. I had yet a few hours to walk about; there was no use in going to +the newspaper office before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so +long, and think, in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast. +For that matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those +times were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil +dream. Henceforth, Excelsior! + +But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. Neither +could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a thing about right +under people's eyes. What would any one think of me? And as I went on I +tried to think of a place where I could have it kept till later on. It +occurred to me that I might go into Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper; +not only would it look better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying +it, + +I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop boys. + +He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he shrugged +his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he took it; this +annoyed me. + +"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two costly glass +vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna." + +This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every movement he +made for not having guessed that there was something out of the common in +this blanket. When he had finished packing it up I thanked him with the +air of a man who had sent precious goods to Smyrna before now. He held the +door open for me, and bowed twice as I left. + +I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, kept from +choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The heavy crimson +roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and moist in the damp +morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully to snatch one, and I +inquired the price of them merely as an excuse to approach as near to them +as possible. + +If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things went; +indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way of living to +balance things again. + +It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. "Scissors" is +running through a lot of old papers. The editor has not come yet. On being +asked my business, I delivered my weighty manuscript, lead him to suppose +that it is something of more than uncommon importance, and impress upon +his memory gravely that he is to give it into we editor's own hands as +soon as he arrives. + +I would myself call later on in the day for an answer. + +"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with his papers. + + +It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; but I said +nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and left. + +I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was perfectly +wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. Ladies carried their +umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the woollen caps of the men looked +limp and depressing. + +I took another turn across the market and looked at the vegetables and +roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round--"Missy" bids me good +morning! "Good-morning!" I say in return, a little questioningly. I never +cared particularly for "Missy." + +He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my arm, and +asks: + +"What have you got there?" + +"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I reply, in +a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any longer; there's such a +thing as treating oneself too shabbily." + +He looks at me with an amazed start. + +"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly. + +"Oh, beyond all expectation!" + +"Then you have got something to do now?" + +"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I am +book-keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house." + +"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little. + +"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. If only you +don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. Good-day!" + +A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with his cane +to my parcel, says: + +"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You won't +find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, that's all!" + +This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he want to poke +his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his which tailor I +employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified "masher" embittered me, +and I reminded him rather brutally of ten shilling he had borrowed from +me. But before he could reply I regretted that I had asked for it. I got +ashamed and avoided meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I +stepped hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to +proceed on my way. + +What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit a cafe +with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I could call on at +this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up town, killed a good +deal of time between the marketplace and the Graendsen, read the +_Aftenpost,_ which was newly posted up on the board outside the +office, took a turn down Carl Johann, wheeled round and went straight on +to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where I found a quiet seat on the slope near +the Mortuary Chapel. + +I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused, +half-slept and shivered. + +And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a little +masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have its faults +here and there. All things well weighed, it was not certain that it would +be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It was perhaps mediocre enough +in its way, perhaps downright worthless. What security had I that it was +not already at this moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My +confidence was shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard. + +Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it was only a +little past noon. There was no use in looking up the editor before four. +The fate of my story filled me with gloomy forebodings; the more I thought +about it the more absurd it seemed to me that I could have written +anything useable with such suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of +fever and dreams. Of course I had deceived myself and been happy all +through the long morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with +hurried strides up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to +the open fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste +plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a country road, +the end of which I could not see. + +Here I halted and decided to turn. + +I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. I met two +hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of their loads, and +sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, care-free faces. I passed +them and thought to myself that they were sure to accost me, sure to fling +some taunt or other at me, play me some trick; and as I got near enough, +one of them called out and asked what I had under my arm? + +"A blanket!" + +"What o'clock is it?" he asked then. + +"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" +Whereupon they both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the +lash of a whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They +couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand to my +head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, and +continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who told me it was +past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my pace, nearly ran down +to the town, turned off towards the news office. Perhaps the editor had +been there hours ago, and had left the office by now. I ran, jostled +against folk, stumbled, knocked against cars, left everybody behind me, +competed with the very horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in +time. I wrenched through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and +knocked. + +No answer. + +"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is open, knock +once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his table, his face +towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. When he hears my +breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a quick look at me, shakes +his head, and says: + +"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet." + +I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, that I +answer: + +"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is no hurry; +in a few days, perhaps--" + +"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address." + +I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the interview +is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up again in me; as yet, +nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for that matter, yet win all. +And my brain began to spin a romance about a great council in Heaven, in +which it had just been resolved that I should win--ay, triumphantly win +ten shillings for a story. + +If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! I consider +where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this query that I come +to a standstill in the middle of the street. I forget where I am, and pose +like a solitary beacon on a rock in mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and +roar about it. + +A newspaper boy offers me _The Viking_. + +"It's real good value, sir!" + +I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly turn to the +right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and hurry down Kirkegaden, +ashamed and afraid that any one might have seen me from the window. I pass +by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn round by the box-office, and go +towards the sea, near the fortress. I find a seat once more, and begin to +consider afresh. + +Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night? + +Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide myself till +morning? My pride forbade my returning to my lodging--besides, it could +never really occur to me to go back on my word; I rejected this thought +with great scorn, and I smiled superciliously as I thought of the little +red rocking-chair. By some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly +transported to a large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I +could see a tray on the table, filled with great slices of +bread-and-butter. The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a +seductive piece of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver +fork. The door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea.... + +Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food now my +head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my brain, and I would +have to fight again against many mad fancies. I could not stomach food, my +inclination did not lie that way; that was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy +of mine. + +Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. There was +no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the woods. I had the +entire environs of the city at my disposal; as yet, there was no degree of +cold worth speaking of in the weather. + +And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and clumsy, +broad-nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, and scattered +rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the smoke rolled up in +downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the stroke of the engine pistons +pierced the clammy air with a dull sound. There was no sun and no wind; +the trees behind me were almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was +cold and damp. + +Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little shiver ran +down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began to droop, and I +let them droop.... + +When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered and +freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went faster and +faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my legs--which by now +I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached the watch-house of the fire +brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had been asleep for several hours. + +Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I stand there +and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would not be possible to +succeed in getting into one of the passages if I were to watch for a +moment when the watchman's back was turned. I ascend the steps, and +prepare to open a conversation with the man. He lifts his ax in salute, +and waits for what I may have to say. The uplifted ax, with its edge +turned against me, darts like a cold slash through my nerves. I stand dumb +with terror before this armed man, and draw involuntarily back. I say +nothing, only glide farther and farther away from him. To save appearances +I draw my hand over my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other, +and slink away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I +had just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away. + +Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up Carl +Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a whit as to +whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament House, just near +the first trees, I suddenly, by some association of ideas, bethought +myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I had once saved from an +assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had called later on. I snap my +fingers gleefully, and wend my way to Tordenskjiolds Street, find the +door, on which is fastened a card with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and +knock. + +He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco that it was +horrible. + +"Good-evening!" I say. + +"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so late? It +doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a hayrick to it +since, and have made a few other alterations. You must see it by daylight; +there is no use our trying to see it now!" + +"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, for that +matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he was talking about. + + +"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look yellow; +and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards me, whispering: +"I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's clearly impracticable." + + +"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it." + +I drew back, said good-night, and went away. + +So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the woods. If +only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, and felt more and +more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I had worried myself so long +trying to find a shelter in town that I was wearied and bored with the +whole affair. It would be a positive pleasure to get to rest, to resign +myself; so I loaf down the street without thought in my head. At a place +in Haegdehaugen I halted outside a provision shop where some food was +displayed in the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French +roll. There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the +background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I had no +money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued my tramp. I +went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always on--it seemed to +me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's wood. + +I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began to look +about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather and juniper +leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where it was a bit dry. I +opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I was tired and exhausted with +the long walk, and lay down at once. I turned and twisted many times +before I could get settled. My ear pained me a little--it was slightly +swollen from the whip-lash--and I could not lie on it. I pulled off my +shoes and put them under my head, with the paper from Semb on top. + +And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... everything +was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed the everlasting +song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless humming which is never +silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless faint murmur that it began to +bewilder me; it was surely a symphony from the rolling spheres above. +Stars that intone a song.... + +"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; +and I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're +night-owls hooting in Canaan!" + +I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered +about in the gloom, only to lay down once more. +I fought and wrestled with anger and fear until +nearly dawn, then fell asleep at last. + + * * * * * + +It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling that it +was going on towards noon. + +I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out for town. +There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like a dog, my feet +were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my eyes, as if they could +not bear the daylight. + +It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in earnest. I +was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I swung round by +the Dampkoekken, [Footnote: Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap +eating-house] read the bill of fare, and shrugged my shoulders in a way to +attract attention, as if corned beef or salt port was not meet food for +me. After that I went towards the railway station. + +A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I stumbled +on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, and was forced +at last to sit down on a step. My whole being underwent a change, as if +something had slid aside in my inner self, or as if a curtain or tissue of +my brain was rent in two. + +I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and, as +an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and bowed. + +What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to +the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did it +arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole thing +squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this manner, by +Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either how I had made +myself deserving of this special persecution; and it suddenly entered my +head that I might just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's" +with the blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full +meals, and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis +true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to the +pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head irresolutely, then +turned back. The farther away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I +became, that I had conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness +that I was yet pure and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a +splendid sense of having principle, character, of being a shining white +beacon in a muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck. + +Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's +self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the +first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to +one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self? +Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had really +never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for +every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a +headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that +belonged to another fellow. + +There would surely be some way or another of getting help when the right +time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. Had I importuned +him every hour in the day since I sent in my application? Had I rung the +bell early and late, and been turned away? Why, I had not even applied +personally to him or sought an answer! It did not follow, surely, that it +must needs be an absolutely vain attempt. + +Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a devious course, +and I started for Groenlandsleret. + +The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me a little, +and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would say to him. + +Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay me for my +work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for it. People of that +sort had sometimes the most capital ideas. + +I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers with spittle +to try and make them look a little respectable, left the parcel behind me +in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and entered the little shop. + +A man is standing pasting together bags made of old newspaper. + +"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said. + +"That's me!" replied the man. + +"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty of sending +him an application, I did not know if it had been of any use. + +He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to laugh. + +"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his +breast-pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you deal with +dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man roared with laughter. + +"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a distraction, a want +of thought; I admitted it. + +"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no mistakes in +figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is clear, and I like +your letter, too, but--" + +I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final say. He +busied himself again with the bags. + +"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of course it +would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little error could not +have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?" + +"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it had so much +weight with me that I decided at once upon another man." + +"So the place is filled?" + +"Yes." + +"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!" + +"No! I'm sorry, but--" + +"Good-evening!" said I. + +Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my parcel +from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the peaceful folk +on the footpath, and never once asked their pardon. + +As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my behaviour, I +turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in his ear, clenched +my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, hardened by a blind rage +that I could not control. + +He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have one +between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace intentionally in +order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; but he did not come. +Was there now any reason whatever that absolutely every one of one's most +earnest and most persevering efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written +1828? In what way did that infernal date concern me? Here I was going +about starving, so that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and +it was, as far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in +the shape of food would turn up later on in the day. + +I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; I was +letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, so that I +lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people out of their rent, +struggled with the meanest thoughts of making away with other men's +blankets--all without remorse or prick of conscience. + +Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores which spread +more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and kept a watchful eye +on me, and took heed that _my_ destruction proceeded in accordance +with all the rules of art, uniformly and gradually, without a break in the +measure. + +But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with range because +it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal sin, an unpardonable +offence for which God in His justice must cast me--down.... + +I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly to the +left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate doorway. I did +not pause, not for one second, but the whole peculiar ornamentation of the +entrance struck on my perception in a flash; every detail of the +decoration and the tiling of the floor stood clear on my mental vision as +I sprang up the stairs. I rang violently on the second floor. Why should I +stop exactly on the second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell +which was some little way from the stairs? + +A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and opened the +door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, then shook her head +and said: + +"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to close the +door. + +What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She took me +without further ado for a beggar. + +I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a respectful bow, +and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with the utmost politeness: + +"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell was new +to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who has advertised +for a man to wheel him about in a chair?" + +She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and seemed to be +irresolute in her summing up of my person. + +"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman living here." + + +"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an hour?" + +"No!" + +"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps on the +first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man I know, in +whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," [Footnote: The last +family bearing title of nobility in Norway.] and I bowed again and drew +back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her embarrassment could not +stir from the spot, but stood and stared after me as I descended the +stairs. + +My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's saying that +she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an icy shower. So it +had gone so far with me that any one might point at me, and say to +himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those people who get their food +handed out to them at folk's back-doors!" + +I halted outside an eating-house in Moeller Street, and sniffed the fresh +smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon the door-handle, +and I was on the point of entering without any fixed purpose, when I +bethought myself in time, and left the spot. On reaching the market, and +seeking for a place to rest for a little, I found all the benches +occupied, and I sought in vain all round outside the church for a quiet +seat, where I could sit down. + +Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I commenced +to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the corner of the +bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, dragging one foot +after the other; stopped for a long time before each shop window; halted, +and watched every vehicle that drove by. I felt a scorching heat in my +head, and something pulsated strangely in my temples. The water I had +drunk disagreed with me fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there +to escape being noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to +Our Saviour's Cemetery. + +I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. In +this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer felt the little +gnawing in my chest. + +A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at the side +of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, and reminded me of +an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost forgotten. + +If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. Tell him the +truth right out, that things were getting awfully tight with me now; ay, +that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I could give him my +shaving-tickets. + +Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I search +nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them quickly +enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. I discover +them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together with other +papers--some clean, some written on--of no value. + +I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and forwards; I had +not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a notion of mine--that I +no longer cared to get shaved. + +I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of Kongsberg +silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man outside the +Opland Cafe between seven and eight. + +I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time went. The +wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, and the day +declined. + +After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six +shaving-tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a bank? +Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of spick and span +tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held. + +Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I could let go +with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer him my tie? I could +well do without it if I buttoned my coat tightly up, which, by the way, I +was already obliged to do, as I had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a +large overlapping bow which hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and +folded it up in a piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the +tickets. Then I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the +Opland. + +It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard by the +cafe, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp watch on all who +went in and came out of the door. At last, about eight o'clock, I saw the +young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, coming up the hill and across to +the cafe door. My heart fluttered like a little bird in my breast as I +caught sight of him, and I blurted out, without even a greeting: + +"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the worth of +it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand. + +"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he turned his +purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last night and got +totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally haven't got it." + +"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I took his +word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should lie about such a +trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue eyes were moist whilst +he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. I drew back. "Excuse me," I +said; "it was only just that I was a bit hard up." I was already a piece +down the street, when he called after me about the little packet. "Keep +it! keep it," I answered; "you are welcome to it. There are only a few +trifles in it--a bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so +touched at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I +fell a-weeping.... + +The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, and it +grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried as I walked, +down the whole street; felt more and more commiseration with myself, and +repeated, time after time, a few words, an ejaculation, which called forth +fresh tears whenever they were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel +so wretched! Lord God, I feel so wretched!" + +An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such weariness. I spent +a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, stole into doorways, and when +any one approached, stood and stared absently into the shops where people +bustled about with wares or money. At last I found myself a sheltered +place, behind a deal hoarding, between the church and the bazaar. + +No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things must take +their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was such an endless +way there. I would kill the night as best I could, and remain where I was; +if it got all too cold, well, I could walk round the church. I would not +in any case worry myself any more about that, and I leant back and dozed. + +The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of the +pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the windows about the +lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became aware of a figure standing +in front of me. The flash of shining buttons told me it was a policeman, +though I could not see the man's face. + +"Good-night," he said. + +"Good-night," I answered and got afraid. + +"Where do you live?" he queried. + +I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the little attic. + + +He stood for a while. + +"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously. + +"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be getting home +now; it's cold lying here." + +"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said good-night, and +instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I only set about it +carefully, I might be able to get upstairs without being heard; there were +eight steps in all, and only the two top ones creaked under my tread. Down +at the door I took off my shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I +could hear the slow tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little. +After that I heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was +accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly after +me. + +Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside from the +windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a note lying on +the table; perhaps it was my note to the landlady--she might never have +been up here since I went away. + +I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my astonishment, +that it was a letter. I take it over to the window, examine as well as it +is possible in the dark the badly-written letters of the address, and make +out at least my own name. Ah, I thought, an answer from my landlady, +forbidding me to enter the room again if I were for sneaking back. + +Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one hand, the +letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw myself up, set +my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get happily down the stairs, +and stand once more at the door. I put on my shoes, take my time with the +laces, sit a while quietly after I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me, +holding the letter in my hand. Then I get up and go. + +The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the +street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel +against the lamp-post and open the letter. All +this with the utmost deliberation. A stream of +light, as it were, darts through my breast, and I hear +that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of +joy. The letter was from the editor. My story +was accepted--had been set in type immediately, +straight off! A few slight alterations.... A +couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked +out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... +half-a-sovereign. + +I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the street, stopped, +slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into space at nothing in +particular. And time went. + +All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the streets +and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little masterpiece--a +stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign." + + + + +Part II + + +A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out in a +churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. But whilst +I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and darkness closed in, and +time for shutting the gates. + +I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, lasted all +too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I had eaten +anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil even had taxed me +a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of keys in my pocket, but not +a farthing. + +When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight home, but, +from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's workshop, where +all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had got permission to +occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, not caring where I went, +the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over to a scat near the railway +bridge. + +At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my distress, and +felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay peaceful and lovely in the +murkiness. For old habit's sake I would please myself by reading through +the bit I had just written, and which seemed to my suffering head the best +thing I had ever done. + +I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, held it +close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the other. At last +I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. Everything was still. +The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, and little birds flitted +noiselessly by me from place to place. + +A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a soul +visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet. + +I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of keys, but not +a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take the papers out again. +It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious nervous twitch. I selected a +white unwritten page, and--God knows where I got the notion from--but I +made a cornet, closed it carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled +with something, and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew +it onward a little, and then it lay still. + +By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and looked at +the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be bursting with +shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe that it really did +contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite audibly to guess the sum; +if I guessed aright, it was to be mine. + +I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the thick fluted +shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! I sat and gazed at +it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go and steal it. + +Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do the same? +I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times so that he may +hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. I sat and laughed at +this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and swore with rollicking +recklessness. What a disappointment he will get, the dog! Wouldn't this +piece of villainy make him inclined to sink into hell's hottest pool of +torment! I was drunk with starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy. + +A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron heels on the +pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he has the whole night +before him; he does not notice the paper bag--not till he comes quite +close to it. Then he stops and stares at it. It looks so white and so full +as it lies there; perhaps a little sum--what? A little sum of silver +money?... and he picks it up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an +expensive feather; some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his +big hands, and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and +laughed, like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter +was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears. + +Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman took a turn +towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in my eyes, and +hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with feverish merriment. I +commenced to talk aloud to myself all about the cornet, imitated the poor +policeman's movements, peeped into my hollow hand, and repeated over and +over again to myself, "He coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he +threw it away." I added new words to these, gave them additional point, +changed the whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed +once--Kheu heu! + +I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the evening +was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy quiet overcame me; +a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to resist. The darkness had +intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed the pearl-blue sea. The ships, +the masts of which I could see outlined against the sky, looked with their +black hulls like voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me. +I had no pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt +pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not to be +noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant back. Thus I +could best appreciate the well-being of perfect isolation. There was not a +cloud on my mind, not a feeling of discomfort, and so far as my thought +reached, I had not a whim, not a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, +in a state of utter absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, +not a sound disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my +sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice of +silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters out there +will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear me far across +the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, and they will bear me +to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an undreamt-of grandeur awaits me, +greater than that of any other man. And she herself will be sitting in a +dazzling hall where all is amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will +stretch out her hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I +approach and kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have +waited twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights. +And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have breathed +sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand and, holding it, +leads me through long corridors where great crowds of people cry, +"Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred tender maidens laugh +and play; and through another hall where all is of emerald; and here the +sun shines. + +In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and rills of +perfume are wafted towards me. + +I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of enchantment shiver +through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, and she whispers, "Not +here; come yet farther!" and we enter a crimson room, where all is of +ruby, a foaming glory, in which I faint. + +Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a whispered +"Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...." + +I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my thoughts are +swept away in a hurricane of light.... + +I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the policeman. There +I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My first feeling was of +stupid amazement at finding myself in the open air; but this was quickly +replaced by a bitter despondency, I was near crying with sorrow at being +still alive. It had rained whilst I slept, and my clothes were soaked +through and through, and I felt a damp cold in my limbs. + +The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could distinguish +the policeman's face in front of me. + +"So, that's right," he said; "get up now." + +I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I would have +obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly without strength; added +to that, I was almost instantly aware of the pangs of hunger again. + +"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're walking off +without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go on." + +"I indeed thought there was something--something I had forgotten," I +stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I stumbled away. + +If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious little brown +loaves that one could bite into as one walked along the street; and as I +went on I thought over the particular sort of brown bread that would be so +unspeakably good to munch. I was bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and +buried; I got maudlin, and wept. + +There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the street, +stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he called me? A +"Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a "Juggins" means. I +turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with anger. Down the street I +stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to it, jumped up again, and ran on. +But by the time I reached the railway station I had become so tired that I +did not feel able to proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my +anger had cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath. +Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what such a +policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything. Right enough, I +interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I found this argument +satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He knew no better"; and with +that I returned again. + +"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your +head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on dark +nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave me no +rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy myself a +little; I fancied it helped. + +I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this last +period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of late. When I +had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some manoeuvre or another +they only lasted any time with difficulty; not long enough for me to be +restored to health before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again. +My back and shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little +gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward as I +walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever was the +reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not just as much +entitled to live as any one else? for example, as Bookseller Pascha or +Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders like a giant, and two +strong hands to work with? and had I not, in sooth, even applied for a +place as wood-chopper in Moellergaden in order to earn my daily bread? Was +I lazy? Had I not applied for situations, attended lectures, written +articles, and worked day and night like a man possessed? Had I not lived +like a miser, eaten bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I +had little, and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I +a suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a +tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last winter, +because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the whole thing; not a +bit of it. + +I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as much as a +spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind. + +I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to read the +labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed with myself +over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not being able to make +out what these tins held,--I rapped twice sharply on the window and went +on. + +Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close up to +him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten o'clock." + +"No, it's two," he answered, amazed. + +"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning with +anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, and said, +"Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!" + +He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared aghast at +me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's about time ye were +getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a bit?" + +I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. I felt +that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply: + +"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a cafe. Thank +you very much all the same!" + +He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His friendliness +had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had not even a little +coin to give him. + +I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I struck my +forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my sight, I cried more +violently. + +I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names, invented +furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of abuse with which I +overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I was nearly home. On coming +to the door I discovered I had dropped my keys. + +"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my keys? Here +I am, living in a yard where there is a stable underneath and a tinker's +workshop up above. The door is locked at night, and no one, no one can +open it; therefore, why should I not lose my keys? + +"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a little +hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; therefore, why +should I not lose them? + +"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to Aker by the +time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I laughed to myself, +hardened by hunger and exhaustion. + +I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my window +above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get in. + +It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to my +shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I would ask the +policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a constable, and +earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, if he could. + +Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The police keys +were not there; they were kept in the Detective Department. + +What was I to do then? + +Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed! + +But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not money, I had +been out--in a cafe ... he knew.... + +We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and examined my +personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents outside. + +"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself as +homeless!" said he. + +Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a capital idea; +and I thanked the constable on the spot for the suggestion. Could I simply +go in and say I was homeless? + +"Just that."... + + * * * * * + +"Your name?" inquired the guard. + +"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!" + +I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about disconnectedly and +inspired me with many singular whims, more than I knew what to do with. I +hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the spur of the moment, and blurted +it out without any calculation. I lied without any occasion for doing so. + +"Occupation?" + +This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! what was +my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a tinker--but I +dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that was not common to every +and any tinker--besides, I wore _pince-nez_. It suddenly entered my +head to be foolhardy. I took a step forward and said firmly, almost +solemnly: + +"A journalist." + +The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood as +important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It roused no +suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I hesitated a little +before answering. What did it look like to see a journalist in the night +guard-house without a roof over his head? + +"On what paper, Herr Tangen?" + +"_Morgenbladet_!" said I. "I have been out a little too late this +evening, more's the shame!" + +"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when young +people are out ... we understand!" + +Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely to me, +"Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. Good-night!" + +I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched my hands to +steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the _Morgenbladet_. +I knew Friele could show his teeth when he liked, and I was reminded of +that by the grinding of the key turning in the lock. + +"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at the door. + +"And then does it go out?" + +"Then it goes out!" + +I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The bright cell +had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well sheltered; and listened +with pleasure to the rain outside--I couldn't wish myself anything better +than such a cosy cell. My contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat +in hand, and with eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave +myself up to thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the +police. This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them? +"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then _Morgenbladet_!" Didn't +I appeal straight to his heart with _Morgenbladet_? "We won't mention +that! Eh? Sat in state in the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot +door-key and a pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this +gentleman up to the reserved section!"... + +All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without +diminishing or flickering. + +I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the white +walls--nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, and I +undressed. + +But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to me. I lay +a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of gloom that had no +bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it. + +It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its presence oppress +me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my breath, and tossed to and +fro, in order to distract myself, but to no purpose. The darkness had +taken possession of my thoughts and left me not a moment in peace. +Supposing I were myself to be absorbed in darkness; made one with it? + +I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous condition has +got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no matter how much I tried +to work against it. There I sat, a prey to the most singular fantasies, +listening to myself crooning lullabies, sweating with the exertion of +striving to hush myself to rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in +all the days of my life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I +found myself here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate +element to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous +thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid. + +A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me greatly--a +nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow into it, and try +to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not at all. It was a +downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I must guard against! +Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely beside myself with +curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize hold of my penknife in +order to gauge its depth, and convince myself that it does not reach right +into the next wall. + +I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to wrestle +again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I could not hear +a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for footsteps in the +street, and got no peace until I heard a pedestrian go by--to judge from +the sound, a constable. Suddenly I snap my fingers many times and laugh: +"That was the very deuce! Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word. +I rise up in bed and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered +it. 'Kuboa.' It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you +have discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import." + +I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. Then I +begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended to keep my +discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of hunger. I was +empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my thoughts. + +In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most singular jerks +in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning of my new word. There +was no occasion for it to mean either God or the Tivoli; [Footnote: +Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.] and who said that +it was to signify cattle show? I clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once +again, "Who said that it was to signify cattle show?" No; on second +thoughts, it was not absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or +sunrise. It was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I +would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it. + +I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say nothing; give +vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes pass over, and I wax +nervous; this new word torments me unceasingly, returns again and again, +takes up my thoughts, and makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion +as to what it should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what +it should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to +myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a matter of +detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was the principal +thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me from falling asleep. +Nothing seemed good enough to me for this unusually rare word. At length I +sit up in bed again, grasp my head in both hands, and say, "No! it is just +this, it is impossible to let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If +it could have meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long +since and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to +signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not apprehend it? +and I reflect profoundly in order to find something psychical. Then it +seems to me that some one is interposing, interrupting my confab. I answer +angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir! +Knitting cotton? Ah! go to hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask +why should I be forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a +special dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the +word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right in +letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware, I had not +yet expressed an opinion as to.... + +But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of bed to +look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was in a fever, and +I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had drunk some I got into +bed again, and determined with all my might to settle to sleep. I closed +my eyes and forced myself to keep quiet. I lay thus for some minutes +without making a movement, sweated and felt my blood jerk violently +through my veins. No, it was really too delicious the way he thought to +find money in the paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he +is pacing up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue +sea ... the ships.... + +I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not sleep? The +same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable black eternity which +my thoughts strove against and could not understand. I made the most +despairing efforts to find a word black enough to characterize this +darkness; a word so horribly black that it would darken my lips if I named +it. Lord! how dark it was! and I am carried back in thought to the sea and +the dark monsters that lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and +clutch me tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms +that no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters, +hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking. + +I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had made such a +perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a bolt. Oh, did I not +feel that I was saved as I struck my hands against the wooden frame! "This +is the way one dies!" said I to myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for +a while and thought over that I was to die. + +Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, am I not +absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to signify?"... I +could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it now whilst I was +talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and prostration, but I was +not out of my senses. All at once the thought darted through my brain that +I was insane. Seized with terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to +the door, which I try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times +to burst it, strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my +fingers, cry and curse.... + +All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had fallen to +the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any longer. + +Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, of a +greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a presage--it must be +of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt it through every pore in my +body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of delighted relief! I flung myself flat +on the floor and cried for very joy over this blessed glimpse of light, +sobbed for very gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself +like a maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was +doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had ceased, and +I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought reached, not a wish +unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my hands, and waited patiently for +the dawn. + +What a night this had been! + +That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. But then I +was in the reserved section, high above all the prisoners. A homeless +Cabinet Minister, if I might say so. + +Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the lighter, ever +lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting Cabinet Minister; +called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech in a dress of red-tape. My +fancies had not ceased, but I was far less nervous. If I only had not been +thoughtless enough to leave my pocket-book at home! Might I not have the +honour of assisting his Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in +all seriousness, and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and +lay down. + +By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree the +outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of the door. +This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating in its +impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was broken; my +blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes close. + +I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in all haste, +and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet through from last +night. + +"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said the +constable. + +Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought with fear. + +Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, all +homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering clerk, and one +by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The officer on duty repeated +constantly to the policeman at his side, "Did he get a ticket? Don't +forget to give them tickets; they look as if they wanted a meal!" + +And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had one. + +"Andreas Tangen--journalist." + +I advanced and bowed. + +"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?" + +I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story as last +night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been out rather +late, worse luck ... cafe ... lost door-key.... + +"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep well then?" + +I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet Minister!" + +"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. "Good-morning." + +And I went! + +A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than three long +days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, and I dared not +demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. They would begin to +poke their noses into my private affairs, and discover who I really was; +they might arrest me for false pretences; and so, with elevated head, the +carriage of a millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride +out of the guard-house. + +The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and the traffic +in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I take? I slapped my +pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I would try and see the +editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, and watch the bustle under me. +Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to steam. Hunger put in its appearance +afresh, gnawed at my breast, clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that +caused me pain. + +Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I ransack my +memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to find him. + +Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm surrounded me. +The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the Lier mountains. + +Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I found a +chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To think that I +hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the stable-boy bade me +good-morning as usual. + +"Fine weather," said he. + +"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for the loan of +a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he could; besides +that, I had written a letter for him once. + +He stood and turned something over in his mind before he ventured on +saying it. + +"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you wouldn't be so +kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only for a few days, sir. +You did me a service once before, so you did." + +"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not now--perhaps later +on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up the stairs to my room. + +I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it was that +he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five shillings! God +bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me for five shares in +the Dampkoekken, or an estate out in Aker. + +And the thought of these five shillings made me +laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a +fellow, eh? Five shillings! My mirth increased, +and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a shocking smell +of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly +strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and +I flung open the window to let out this beastly smell. +"Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning to the table +--this miserable table that I was forced to support +with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly, +and said: + +"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am Tangen--Tangen, the +Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out a little late ... the +door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without rein in intricate paths. I +was continually conscious that I talked at random, and yet I gave +utterance to no word without hearing and understanding it. I said to +myself, "Now you are talking at random again," and yet I could not help +myself. It was as if one were lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep. + +My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my mood was +unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no effort. + +"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of +ruby--Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, how +passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your arms are +like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for a plate of +beef!" + +The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the horses below +chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, glad at heart as a +child. + +I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really in my +thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my blood to remember +it, and I took it out. + +It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I took to +wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything looked! Small +scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; there was not a chair +to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare walls. Everything had been +brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A few sheets of paper lying on the +table, covered with thick dust, were my sole possession; the old green +blanket on the bed was lent to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans +Pauli! I snap my fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would +certainly be very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on +my hat in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and +hurry downstairs. + +"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly certain I can +help you in the afternoon." + +Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I determined +on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the office door to see +if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them carefully out, put them +back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart beat audibly as I entered. + +"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the editor. No +answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news amongst the +provincial papers. + +I repeat my question, and advance a little farther. + +"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, without looking +up. + +How soon would he come? + +"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!" + +How long would the office be open? + +To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. "Scissors" had not +once looked up at me during all this scene; he had heard my voice, and +recognized me by it. You are in such bad odour here, thought I, that he +doesn't even take the trouble to answer you. I wonder if that is an order +of the editor's. I had, 'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated +story was accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to +his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was obliged to +peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to put an end to +this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to Homandsbyen. + +Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, living in the +attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli Pettersen was a poor +man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't stint it. I would get it just as +sure as if I already held it in my hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as +I went, over the shilling, and felt confident I would get it. + +When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to ring. + +"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step inside. +"I know his room." + +"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the attic?" He +had moved. + +Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters to be sent +to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the number. + +I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask Hans +Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to account. On the +way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple of joiners stood planing +outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings from the heap, stuck one in my +mouth, and the other in my pocket for by-and-by, and continued my journey. + + +I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny loaf at a +baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the price. + +"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!" + +"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out there? Well, +would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of letters that had +come for him? + +I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the joiners--who are +sitting with their cans between their knees, eating their good warm dinner +from the Dampkoekken--pass the bakers, where the loaf is still in its +place, and at length reach Bernt Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The +door is open, and I mount all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the +letters out of my pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on +the moment of my entrance. + +He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when I +explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli had such +a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I discovered his card +fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, Theological Student, 'gone home.'" + + +I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled with +fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, a couple of +times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly quiet. There was not +a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a feeling of any kind. I sat +and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the letters, without coming to any +conclusion. Ten minutes went over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly +on the one spot, and did not move a finger. This numb feeling of +drowsiness was almost like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the +stairs. + +"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for him." + +"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after the +holidays. I could take the letters if you like!" + +"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them then when he +came back; they might contain matters of importance. Good-morning." + +When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in the open +street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one thing, my good Lord +God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, with set teeth, up to the +clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not a bungler." + +Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing my +attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, with an +unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed also to him, my +child?" It did not sound right! + +With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once again, "Hast +thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, and I make my voice +whine, and answer, No! + +That didn't sound right either. + +You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I have +invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most piteous +tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! Come, that was +better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the colic. So--o! that's +right. Thus I go, drilling myself in hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the +street when I fail to succeed; rail at myself for being such a blockhead, +whilst the astonished passers-by turn round and stare at me. + +I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as steadily as I +could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was at the railway +square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to half-past one. I stood for a +bit and considered. A faint sweat forced itself out on my face, and +trickled down my eyelids. Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to +myself--that is to say, if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to +myself, and turned towards the railway bridge near the wharf. + +The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There was bustle +and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay porters with cases +on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming from the prams. An old woman, +a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and bends her brown nose down over her +wares. The little table before her is sinfully full of nice things, and I +turn away with distaste. She is filling the whole quay with her smell of +cakes--phew! up with the windows! + +I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented forcibly to him +the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes; +but he must really admit that.... But the good man smelt a rat, and did +not give me time to finish speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too, +and followed him, firmly determined to convince him of his mistake. + +"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," said I; and +I slapped him on the shoulders. + +"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the sanitary +conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive fear. + +Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not render him +a service in any way? show him about? Really not? because it would be a +pleasure to me, and it would cost him nothing.... + +But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered off, in all +haste, to the other side of the street. + +I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, and the +big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little farther away made +me still worse--a regular metallic music, a fragment of Weber, to which a +little girl is singing a mournful strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of +the organ thrills through my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo. +A moment later, and I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in +time to it. + +Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is starving. +I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in tones, and I float +out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring high above the mountains, +dancing through zones of light!... + +"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her little tin +plate; "only a halfpenny." + +"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and ransacked all my +pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make fun of her, and she goes +away at once without saying a word. + +This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, it would +have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and recalled her. + +"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, maybe +tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I won't forget +it. Till tomorrow, then...." + +But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, although she +never said one word; and I cried with despair because this little street +wench would not believe in me. + +Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about to give her +my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; "wait only a +moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat. + +What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since it was in +my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The astonished child +waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I was compelled to let her +go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a policeman thrusts his way +through to me, and wants to know what is the row. + +"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the little girl +over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you needn't stand there and +laugh at that ... I have only to go home and put on another." + +"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," and he +gives me a shove on. + +"Is them your papers?" he calls after me. + +"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! However could I +be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, convince myself that it is +lying in order and go, without stopping a second or looking about me, +towards the editor's office. + +It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office is shut. +I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a thief, and stand +irresolutely outside the door. What should I do now? I lean up against the +wall, stare down at the stones, and consider. A pin is lying glistening at +my feet; I stoop and pick it up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off +my coat, how much could I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though +buttons are buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as +good as new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off +with my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being able +to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I cried, "See, see; +it will all come right!" My delight got the upper hand of me, and I at +once set to cut off the buttons one by one. Whilst thus occupied, I +held the following hushed soliloquy: + +Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary +embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips when you +speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less buttons than I +do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; it is a habit of mine, +an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if you _won't_, well! But I +must have a penny for them, at least.... No indeed! who said you were +obliged to do it? You can hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes, +well, you can fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are +out looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well, good-day! +Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a little late. + +Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. I +recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my pocket. He +attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is suddenly intently +busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire for the editor. + +"Not in, do you hear." + +"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, I +continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary +errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. [Footnote: Dwelling of the +civil governor of a Stift or diocese.] + +"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?" + +"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the desired +effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My heart was in my +mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my courage, knocked, and +entered the editor's private office. + +"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down." + +If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as acceptable. I +felt as if I were on the point of crying and said: + +"I beg you will excuse...." + +"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained that I again +had an article which I was extremely anxious to get into his paper. I had +taken such pains with it; it had cost me much effort. + +"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write is +certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if you could +only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In the meantime, I +will read it," and he turned to the table again. + +There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why there was +always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the first time. + +I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had complained about +money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some together for me. Maybe +it might be the same case now. No; it should not occur! Could I not see +then that he was sitting at work? + +Was there otherwise anything? he inquired. + +"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. "About how +soon shall I call in again?" + +"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so." + +I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness seemed to +me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate it. Rather die of +hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the door, and felt once more +the pangs of hunger, did I repent having left the office without having +asked for that shilling. I took the other shaving out of my pocket and +stuck it into my mouth. It helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought +to be ashamed of yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered +your head to ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience +again?" and I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which +I had almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever +heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of his head +just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable dog! So--o, +march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll teach you." I +commenced to run to punish myself, left one street after the other behind +me at a bound, goaded myself on with suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly +and furiously at myself whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a +long way up Pyle Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry +with vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over +my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I said, and, +in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and forced myself to +keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged myself with pleasure at the +spectacle of my own exhaustion. At length, after the lapse of a few +moments, I gave myself, with a nod, permission to be seated, though, even +then, I chose the most uncomfortable place on the steps. + +Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and +drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry; I +had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now I +could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself, dealing +out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and more moved, +and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an +inner sobbing without a tear. + +I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same place. +People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children played about +around me, and a little bird sang on a tree on the other side of the +street. + +A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he. + +"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure." + +"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat here now +half-an-hour." + +"About that," I replied; "anything more?" + +I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, I stopped +and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an answer to give? +For weariness, you should have replied, and made your voice whining. You +are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From exhaustion, and you +should have gasped like a horse. + +When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea. I +snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the +passers-by, and said: "Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You +shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose by +it? and it is such glorious weather!" + +I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in the +directory, and started for it. + +Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No rubbish, +if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You are hungry; +you have come on important business--the first thing needful. But you +shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a sing-song. You won't! +What? Well then, I won't go a step farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you +are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting with the powers of darkness +and great voiceless monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of; +you hunger and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone +so far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to +bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you +haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands together, +and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon +was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now +it's quite another thing with a psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a +few shillings.... I stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours, +12 to 4." + +Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang your head a +little more, and I rang at the private entrance. + +"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not possible +for me to get in God's name yet awhile. + +"He has gone out." + +Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I intended +to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long walk? There I +stood. + +"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid. + +"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it was such +glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and make a call. + +There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to +attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored +her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature didn't +understand it at all. + +Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either? + +Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move +herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something? + +No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just for +exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out on the road +back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to feel +dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in +earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour too +late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches near +the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for me now! +I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat +there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and +starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and +sorely--nor would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired +of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown +orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at once +commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins swelled up +bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought after? Run about the +whole live-long day for a shilling, that would but keep life in me for a +few hours longer. Considering all, was it not a matter of indifference if +the inevitable took place one day earlier or one day later? If I had +conducted myself like an ordinary being I should have gone home long ago, +and laid myself down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a +moment. Now I was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things +were hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource of +which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each time I still +hoped for a possible succour I whispered repudiatingly: "You fool, you +have already begun to die." + +I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare myself. I +would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I would lay my head +upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest things I had left, and the +green blanket. I ... The green blanket! Like a shot I was wide awake. The +blood mounted to my head, and I got violent palpitation of the heart. I +arise from the seat, and start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres, +and time after time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green +blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching +something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop. Without +pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over to the bed, and +roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange thing if this bright idea +of mine couldn't save me. I rose infinitely superior to the stupid +scruples which sprang up in me--half inward cries about a certain stain on +my honour. I bade good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no +virtuous idiot. I had my senses left. + +So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's Street. I +knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first time. The bell on +the door above my head gave a lot of violent jerks. A man enters from a +side room, chewing, his mouth is full of food, and stands behind the +counter. + +"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall release them in +a couple of days, without fail--eh?" + +"No! they're steel, aren't they?" + +"Yes." + +"No; can't do it." + +"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a joke. +Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, I have no +longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it off my hands." + +"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he replied; +and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it and said, "No, +excuse me, but I haven't any use for that either." + +"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much better on +the other side." + +"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a penny on +it anywhere." + +"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought it might +go with another old blanket at an auction." + +"Well, no; it's no use." + +"Three pence?" said I. + +"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the house!" I took +it under my arm and went home. + +I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again, smoothed +it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away every trace of my +late action. I could not possibly have been in my right mind at the moment +when I came to the conclusion to commit this rascally trick. The more I +thought over it the more unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been +an attack of weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised +me when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I had +half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly offered my +glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had the opportunity +of carrying into effect this fault which would have sullied the last hours +I had to live. + +I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one of the +seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my breast, apathetic +after my last excitement, sick and famished with hunger. And time went by. + +I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter outside +than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did not pain quite so +badly out in the open air. I should get home, too, soon enough--and I +dozed, and thought, and suffered fearfully. + +I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve and put it +into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. Otherwise I did +not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People came and went; the noise +of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter of tongues filled the air. I +might try with the buttons. Of course there would be no use in trying; and +besides, I was now in a rather bad way; but when I came to consider the +matter closely, I would be obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction +of my "Uncle's" as I went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly +to my feet, and reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my +eyebrows--fever was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once +more I passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must +stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to go in +and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting thought, a flash; +it could never really have occurred to me seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to +myself, and shook my head, and held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of +lovers stood in a doorway and talked together softly; a little farther up +a girl popped her head out of a window. I walked so slowly and +thoughtfully, that I looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing +in particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the world +treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the Lord preserve +us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I pulled up at once: +What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to die? I felt over my +cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was thin--my cheeks were like two +hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled along again, but again came to a +standstill; I must be quite inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes +were sinking right into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the +very deuce that one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for +sheer hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a +final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a head that +couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of fists that, by +the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and yet I went and +hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town of Christiania. Was +there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in saddle, toiled day and +night like a carrier's horse. + +I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains out of my +head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a street hussy prayed +God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, now, there should be a stop +to it. Do you understand that? Stop it shall, or the devil take a worse +hold of me. + +With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the consciousness +of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, without looking at the +people who passed me by. I commenced once more to martyr myself, ran my +forehead against lamp-posts on purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms, +bit my tongue with frenzy when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed +insanely each time it hurt much. + +Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped many times +on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A gentleman just going by +remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and ask to be locked up." I looked +after him. One of our well-known lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not +even he understood my real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had +shaken. I grew quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt +madness in my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was +to be the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk. +There was the haven in which I was to find rest. + +Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I grew +almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged to the wind +and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be brought to the +guard-house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which had not a spark of +light in it. Not that! There must be other channels yet open that I had +not tried, and I would try them. I would be so earnestly painstaking; +would take good time for it, and go indefatigably round from house to +house. For example, there was Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to +him at all. Some remedy would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked +until I brought myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a +hint from on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so +far away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest +between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when times +were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him for sixpence? +Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I would ask him for a +shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for the chief. They showed me +into his office; there he sat--handsome, well-dressed in the latest +style--running down some accounts. I stammered through an excuse, and set +forth my errand. Compelled by need to apply to him ... it should not be +very long till I could pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper +article.... He would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was +speaking he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had +finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and said, +"No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word. + +My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the little +polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his name have +occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It won't be I that will +do that," he observed; adding, "and let me tell you, at the same time, +I've had about enough of this." + +I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I had turned +myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and I had not got it. +Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had really gone all too far with +me. I had held myself up for many years, stood erect through so many hard +hours, and now, all at once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging. +This one day had coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with +shamelessness. I had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the +pettiest huckster's shop, and what had it availed me? + +But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put inside my +mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing loathsome to myself. +Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. Presently they would lock the outer +door at home? I must hurry unless I wished to lie in the guard-house +again. + +This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With body bent +forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs to deaden the +stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes fastened upon the +paving-stones that I might not be forced to bow to possible acquaintances, +and hastened to the fire look-out. God be praised! it was only seven +o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; I had three hours yet before the +door would be locked. What a fright I had been in! + +Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I could. To +think that I really could not succeed once in a whole day! If I told it no +one could believe it; if I were to write it down they would say I had +invented it. Not in a single place! Well, well, there is no help for it. +Before all, don't go and get pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can +assure you, it makes me have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why +there is an end of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of +oats in the stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was +shut. + +I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt thirsty, +luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I went and sought +about for a place where I could get a drink. I was a long distance away +from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a private house. Perhaps, though, +I could wait till I got home; it would take a quarter of an hour. It was +not at all so certain that I could keep down a draught of water, either; +my stomach no longer suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the +spittle I swallowed. But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all +yet. There I stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a +remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should certainly get a +penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some place or other, and +Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper article. I should just see it +would come out all right. To think that I could really go and forget the +buttons. I took them out of my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on +again. My eyes grew dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply +went on. Didn't I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark +evenings, with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had +vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked to go +there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my books seemed +likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor, had my watch; I was +almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had written my first small +poetical attempt, had been bought by an acquaintance, and my topcoat had +found a haven with a photographer, to be used in the studio. So there was +no cause to grumble about any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; +"Uncle" is sitting at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, +afraid of disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My +voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and my +heart beat like a sledge-hammer. + +He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his hands flat on +the counter, and looked at my face without saying anything. Yes, I had +brought something of which I would ask him if he could make any use; +something which is only in my way at home, assure you of it--are quite an +annoyance--some buttons. Well, what then? what was there about the +buttons? and he thrusts his eyes down close to my hand. Couldn't he give +me a couple of halfpence for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite +according to his own judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares +astonishedly at me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he +liked himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in. + +Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned to his desk +without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped for much, yet, all +the same, I had thought of a possibility of being helped. This laughter +was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I suppose, be of any use trying with my +eyeglasses either? Of course, I would let my glasses go in with them; that +was a matter of course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if +he wished, a halfpenny. + +"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," said +"Uncle"; I told you that once before." + +"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the letters I +have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you will." + +"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off with his +hands. + +Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I put on my +glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning away, bade him +good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. Well, now, there was +nothing more to be done! To think he would not take them at any price, I +muttered. They are almost new buttons; I can't understand it. + +Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the office. +He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made excuses, and I +turned round and looked after him. + +"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the steps. He +came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what on earth do you +look like? What were you doing in there?" + +"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see." + +"Yes; what were you in with?" + +My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and stretched out +my hand with the buttons in it. + +"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too far." + +"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears choking my +breast. + +"No; wait a minute," he said. + +What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my "Uncle," +bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, perhaps, for +several days--owed his landlady? + +"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...." + +"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as well tell +you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's better you come +in along with me." + +I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of pride, and +answered: + +"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past seven, +and...." + +"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, standing with +the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in with you, you hungry +sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," and he pushed me in. + + + + +Part III + + +A week passed in glory and gladness. + +I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and my +courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire. + +I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain of +every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I wrote +with more facility than before. + +The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I +had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor; and, +angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately, without even +re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper in order to open +up more fields for my work. + +Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the +worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the +wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to Archangel, +or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of openings on many +sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with me. My hair fell out +in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches, particularly in the +morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the +day with my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the +touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable door +underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to bark, it +thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me from every +side. I was pretty well played out. + +Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it +took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time +both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes and +written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas which +might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened here and +there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled at sentence +after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my +articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into +my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made +some arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few +pence left. + +The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be +disengaged immediately, and he continued writing. + +I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an enormous +paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones and all. I +felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this dragon's +mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive rejected work, +newly crushed hopes. + +"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table. + +"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the 28th," +and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of letters in their +envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and lays down his pen. Then +he swings round on his chair, and looks at me. Observing that I am still +standing near the door, he makes a half-serious, half-playful motion with +his hand, and points to a chair. + +I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when I +open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket. + +"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but perhaps +it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...." + +He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them. His +face is turned towards me. + +And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I had +already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised the +greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is curly, and +his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a habit of tweaking +his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look milder than this +truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars wherever it +attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes over me in the +presence of this man. The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and +I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he +had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor bungling +wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it was.... + +He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat and +considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I stretch out +my hand a little, and say: + +"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give +him the impression that I take it easily. + +"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us," he +replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and write +something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that people +understand better?" + +His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is rejected, +and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to take up his +time any longer, I reply: + +"Oh yes, I daresay I can." + +I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up +his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle. + +"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in advance; +you can write for it, you know." + +Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer +humiliated me somewhat, and I answered: + +"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much, all +the same. Good-day!" + +"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his desk +again. + +He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was +grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I made +a resolution not to return to him until I could take something with me, +that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the "commandor" +a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign without a +moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once more. + +During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and +the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me. + +As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour +and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the +lamp-post exactly opposite my door. + +She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass her +by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same thick +veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that she +carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the handle. +This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always in the +same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and goes down +the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I +became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object +of her visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of +asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my assistance in +any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly dressed, as I +unfortunately was, I might protect her through the dark streets; but I had +an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me something; a glass of +wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all. My distressingly empty +pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon me, and I had not even the +courage to scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more +taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since yesterday +evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had often been able to +hold out for a couple of days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to +fall off seriously; I could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to +do. A single day made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual +retching the moment I tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay +and shivered all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the +daytime, lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy +shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep +out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the +sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room. + +I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself alive +until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I would try +to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of hours if I +once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on the "commandor." + + +I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young +acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I +passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at which +men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of the +cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding my man. + +Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and +took the direction to the Palace. + +Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my +hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides, with +the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my hands +thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky stars +the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight months, not +the common food necessary to hold body and soul together for the space of +one short week, before want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into +the bargain, gone and kept straight and honourable all through my +misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve +me, what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had even +gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans Pauli's +blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my delicate +rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could not find words +half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity. Let it only happen +now! Were I to find at this moment a schoolgirl's savings or a poor +widow's only penny, I would snatch it up and pocket it; steal it +deliberately, and sleep the whole night through like a top. I had not +suffered so unspeakably much for nothing--my patience was gone--I was +prepared to do anything. + +I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the +conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park and +went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets were +fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet pairs +and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had commenced, the +pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full swing--and the hour of +merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats, one or two still short, +sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far +down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a +swamp, from which hot vapours exuded. + +I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion that +thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the dim +light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to affect +me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling admissions, +concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are +declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not +possess even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to +be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began again to +think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have stolen a +schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet, that I would have +brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and caroused with the proceeds. + +In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take to +picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my +shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as they +pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who fancy they +are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a +sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants, +flaneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to +fall down in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place +at their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man or a +stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, +mount! + +I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I felt +enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped +acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes. I +lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep my +own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who +looked fixedly at me as I came close to her. + +"Good-night!" said I. + +"Good-night!" She stopped. + +Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a risk +in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes; but was +she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked to go +along home with any one? + +She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see what I +really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my arm, and +said: + +"Yes, and we went too!" + +I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the car-stand +I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said: + +"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on. + +At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my +pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called me +a dry cod. + +"Good-night!" said I. + +"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got gold?" + +"No." + +"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went. + +A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me: + +"You can come with me all the same!" + +I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I +said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a +place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind. + +"Yes; but now I will have you come with me." + +"But I won't go with you in this way." + +"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else." + +"No," I answered. + +But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this unique +street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least. + +"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now, Mary!" +and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and more +astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that I, too, +was one of those who went about the street at night and ran after little +girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps said anything +rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had done when one was +actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her, +and accompanied her those few paces, to see how far she would go on with +it. For the rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; +depart, and sin no more!" With these words I left her. + +I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized +aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps I +had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life; save +her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it when she +came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful +heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous! + +My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to face +anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might perhaps +complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in my hand; +hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring a candle. +There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my writing +materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened the door, +and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I locked the door +from the outside, and planted myself under the light. All around was +quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in +Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked. +There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears, +and commenced to think with all my might. + +It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to +find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a +rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite +imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding +finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as +startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop. But +the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from the +commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to +crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax. +And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the +constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from me, +spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I stood and +strove for a striking climax to an article for the _Commandor_? Lord, +how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head above water, no +matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space of an hour. The +constable went his way. The cold began to get too intense for me to keep +still. Disheartened and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the +door again, and went up to my room. + +It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense +darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about +warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a +long time now, with all my clothes on. + +The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set to +work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded by then +in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not found an +ending. + +I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try +and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was +snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the paving-stones +and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took aimless turns to +and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my head carefully against +the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger on the floor, and then +listened attentively, all without any object, but quietly and pensively as +if it were some matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the +while I murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own voice. + +But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as before. +After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself sharply +together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could. There must be +an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set myself resolutely to +again. + +A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a score +of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try and +advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was incapable of +more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself to gaze with wide +open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at +these strange, shaky letters that bristled up from the paper like small +hairy creeping things, till at last I could neither make head nor tail of +any of it. I thought on nothing. + +Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and tramp +of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables as he +chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my lips a +little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest was in a +pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more together, grew +weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm my fingers a little +I stroked them through my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small +loose tufts came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered +over the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as if +it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to +shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a +mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my +sore chest permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was +dying helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. +At length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it. +Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a +stark-mad notion. + +Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I shut +my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it. + +I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled from +it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither was the +wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I shook my head, +went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it round the sore +place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes filled with tears; +I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly +pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom +grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my finale +through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle. My head was +clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I did not suffer +particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as some hours +previously. I could hold out well till the next day. Perhaps I might be +able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to the provision shop and +explained my situation--I was so well known in there; in the good old +days, when I had the means to do it, I used to buy many a loaf there. +There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the strength of my honest +name; and for the first time for ages I took to brushing my clothes a +little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on +my collar, and felt my way down the stairs. + +When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps +rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On no +account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a +condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old +story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would never +get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor" before he +had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the +candle. With that I entered the shop. + +A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small parcels +in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The shopman, who +knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman, and packs +without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it over to me. + +"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I +say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my +chance of getting what I want. + +My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it +was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him. + +"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself +with the woman's parcels again. + +She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of +which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are alone. +He says: + +"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes +one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my request +over my lips. + +"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply +asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count some +silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He gives me +back change for a crown. + +"Much obliged," he says. + +Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am conscious +something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think about +anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth which is +lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money mechanically. + +I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I +take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a +certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather +collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare at +these things. + +The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take my +time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers strewn +over the counter: + +"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!" + +"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in +earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it is +none too soon." + +I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if it +were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly, +involuntarily, without being conscious of myself. + +"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy. + +I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the door-handle, +and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that the shop-boy +replied to me. + +I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn +open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any +astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into my +hand, and prepared to give it back. + +"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy. + +"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on, +down the street, bearing it in my hand. + +My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a +lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite of +all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly helped--helped for +a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the money into my pocket, and +walked on. + +Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in my +mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a little +refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates inside, and the +sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too strong for me--I +entered. + +"A helping of beef," I say. + +"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift. + +I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared to +wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably well +concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and then the +waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was +accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades +were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help +for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the +shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go any +farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to live more +honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract that.... + +"Do you think that beef will soon be here?" + +"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down into +the kitchen. + +But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to get +suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread, and +the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible that +he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there. Well, +then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved. + +"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the table, +"wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark here?" + +"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me at +once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains into her +hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun, with the +tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy yourself a +farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it." + +I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed +whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way at +every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal. + +The waitress came over to me again. + +"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little towards +me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and dropped her +eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ... from me ... +without ... that is, if you will...." + +"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time." + +She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head. What a +singular creature! + +When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The +waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show myself +too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected the depth +of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left. + +The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could not +keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a little at +every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this nausea which +threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and tried to fight it +down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down furiously whatever sought +to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head +foremost, blinded with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited +once more. I was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the +street.... I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that +persecuted me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments +for their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate, really +little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that. + +I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great +haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had been +starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I said; he +couldn't even keep beef down. + +"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the man, +astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?" + +"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad +notion;" and I go. + +I entered the first cafe I came to going along, and asked for some boiled +milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it greedily, +every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road home. + +Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the +lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I get +a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black again. The +same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be no mistake +about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth time. She is +standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar that I +involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good +working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last +meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of +entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me. Without +rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go straight up to the +lady, look her in the face, and bow. + +"Good-evening." + +"Good-evening," she answers. + +Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before; could I +be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way, so +earnestly for inquiring. + +Yes; she didn't quite know.... + +No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself; it +was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She was +certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there. + +At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for anybody. +I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she stops. + +Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after +evening, just for a whim's sake! + +That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed me +more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in my +pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass of +wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had come, ha, +ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely.... + +Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that; but +would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was rather +dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up Carl Johann +after it got so late. + +We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling +empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her +the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated +from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet breath +every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated in an +ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of +a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved +out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I +surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me, making me +idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not endure it +any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers over her +shoulder, and smiled imbecilely. + +"How queer you are," said I. + +"Am I, really; in what way?" + +Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a +stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just for +a whim's sake.... + +Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked +staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great fancy +for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve? + +I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed before +twelve o'clock at night. + +Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little tour +in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She lived up in +St. Olav's Place. + +"Ylajali," I cried. + +"I beg pardon?" + +"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...." + +She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her mother, +to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there anything odd +in her liking to get out for a little? + +"No, not at all," I replied. + +"No? well, what then?" + +I could hear by her voice that she was smiling. + +Hadn't she a sister? + +Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did +I know that? She had gone to Hamburg. + +"Lately?" + +"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister? + +I didn't learn it at all; I only asked. + +We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm; +otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli a +long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky is +clear. + +"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady, +suddenly looking at me. + +Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known at +once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was +delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a while +longer. So I lied. I answered: + +"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have you +seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?" + +"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?" + +Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into that +blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled with +shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and lean face; +perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on.... + +"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!" + +And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a +few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one +expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest me +in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is +standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon +them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that didn't +know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie +with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh? + +Yes; I was certainly right in that. + +It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar +savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the +total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks of +a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in space; +in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures hovering +over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored +her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me. +If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her the +pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make out this +creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be accompanied up the +whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked beggar. What, in the name of +God, was she thinking of? And why was I walking there, giving myself airs, +and smiling idiotically at nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either, +for letting myself be worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad +bird? Mayhap it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death +go right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against +us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for +many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even +a little milk into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I +might perhaps be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, +and let me go to the deuce?... + +I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I said: + +"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you +right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is +positively true; I mean it." + +She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims +suddenly: + +"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say. + +"What do you mean by that?" I queried. + +"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now"; and +she walked on a little faster. + +We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St. +Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again. + +"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your name +before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your veil so +that I can see you? I would be really so grateful." + +A pause. I walked on in expectation. + +"You have seen me before," she replies. + +"Ylajali," I say again. + +"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home. Were +you tipsy that time?" + +I could hear again that she smiled. + +"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time." + +"That was horrid of you!" + +And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me. + +We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted windows +of No. 2. + +"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for +coming so far." + +I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood bareheaded. I +wonder if she will give me her hand. + +"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a +low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe. + +"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only +would!" + +"Yes; but only a little way." + +And we turned round. + +I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my head +or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned it +topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to me as +if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had expressly +willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own desire. I walk on +and look at her, and get more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me +to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my +humble position, my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course +madly through my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and +resolved to feel my way by a little ruse. + +"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your +sister." + +"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She +stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She puts +the question in all sober earnest. + +"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the two +ladies who went on in front of me." + +"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly, +heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just to +get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may just +wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment." + +We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do not +know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me once +before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with me, and +I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that time too, +more's the shame. + +Why did she think that? + +Oh, I had laughed so. + +"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days." + +"But now not any more?" + +"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes." + +We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we +returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain once +more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any farther +with her. + +"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped. + +"Yes, I suppose I must." + +But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door with +her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could there? + +"No," I replied. + +But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me clearly. +How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken down? Here I +stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured by hunger, +unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink into the +earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and said: + +"May I not meet you any more then?" + +I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for a +sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous. + +"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly. + +"When?" + +"I don't know." + +A pause.... + +"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I +asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one +moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to." + +Another pause.... + +"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?" + +"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to." + +"At eight o'clock." + +"Very well." + +I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for +touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her. + +"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling +again. + +"No." + +Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her +forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second. + +"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my neck +and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly, bewilderingly +swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom heaved; she was +breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out of my clasp, called +a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs +without a word more.... + +The hall door shut. + + * * * * * + +It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain; great +wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was raw and +icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of confusion, +my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the agitation of that +delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while awake and fancied +Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced myself and kissed +the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of +milk, and straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry, +but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition. + +I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I +might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on under +my coat; it didn't matter what. + +I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to +examine it. + +While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called up +to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a designer, +and was on the way to his office. + +"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I haven't +much time.... What lady was that you were walking with yesterday evening?" + +"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare +thought. "Supposing it was my _fiancee_." + +"By Jove!" he exclaimed. + +"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening." + +This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in the +most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer, drank it, +and left. + +"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few shillings. +It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but now you shall +have them during the next few days." + +"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back the +few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately to my +head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed me--made +me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she +were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious +of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew +afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its +details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the +money, and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt +when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no, only on +my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk taking down the +evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the +occasion--his look, his threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, +the eternally dark.... + +Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked +faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down. + +Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I had +stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if it +should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his +situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg! + +But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me no +peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced that I +had been happier before, during the period in which I had suffered in all +honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with the touch of my +sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat, +jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake woman who was +sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even +yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would +show the whole world that I was capable of doing so. + +On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it in +my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted something, +clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I spoke not a word, +turned on my heel, and went my way. + +What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once +more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a delightful +feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole matter +thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret anguish; I had +really thought about it with dread and shuddering time upon time. I was no +hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled against such a low action. +God be praised, I had raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I +have done!" I said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place-- +"only just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to +such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children +wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections +and considered that I had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be +praised! The money was out of my hands now! + +Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with +satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and +honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with me. +I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it was as +if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my shoulders. I +felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something astounding, to +set the whole town in a ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted +myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran +riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a +commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to take +hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and leave him again +without any explanation. I distinguished every nuance in the voice and +laughter of the passers-by, observed some little birds that hopped before +me in the street, took to studying the expression of the paving-stones, +and discovered all sorts of tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I +arrive at length at Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and +look at the droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and +laughing. The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go +ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to +the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and +we rolled off. + +On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times into +the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too, grown +suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had attracted +his attention. + +"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with +him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop +outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third +storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals +inside. + +A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold +drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She looks +at me with a frightened air. + +I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a +wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about.... + +The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she. + +She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no effort +to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the person I +inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a bit. The +lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran downstairs again. + +"He wasn't there," I called to the driver. + +"Wasn't he there?" + +"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent +excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver. He +evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove on, +without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply. + +"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box. + +"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf." + +And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to +make any mistake about. + +"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?" + +"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is a +tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most +inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him. + +"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?" + +"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name +doesn't disgrace any one." + +"Hasn't he red hair?" + +Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the driver +mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was right. I felt +grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him that he had hit +the man off to a T--he really was just as he described him,--and I +remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see such a man +without red hair. + +"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a +knobbed stick." + +This brought the man vividly before me, and I +said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen +the man without a knobbed stick in his hand, of +that you can be certain, quite certain." + +Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized +him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they touched +the stones. + +All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my +presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69. This +number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like a +splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it. + +I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched under +the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and commenced to I +talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my brain, and I let it +rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to influences over which I +have no control. I begin to laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace +of cause, still merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I +have drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more +and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it down +inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The +driver pulls up. + +I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy. I +go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come to a +door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a sort of +anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on top of the +other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over +which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I hear voices and +the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an +iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter. + +I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste, +without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in +Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed. +"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers." + +It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is +waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of being +conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who has +spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I believe, +and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had vanished from +my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which came and went in +turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom. + +In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid and +weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great moist +flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I sat down +to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much astonishment. +I fell a-thinking. + +Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so heartily +tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find it worth the +trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity had gained the +upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become so strangely +poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once had been; my +shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had contracted a habit +of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what +little I could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my +room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn the +same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale sweat, and +had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of the sore place; it +did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to have this tender place in +the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of +its own accord. I washed it, dried it carefully, and put on the same +shirt. There was no help for it, it.... + +I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I +loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost +coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel +myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the whole +of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from feeling it +envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end now, I would +heartily, gladly die! + +Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation, I +rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the way I +passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a +plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the right." +Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former room in +Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the +lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's +new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one +night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write +anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I would +put an end to it now; and I went on and on. + +As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the half-conscious +feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to stick to my purpose; +I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the steps. At the door I met a +little girl who was carrying a cup in her hands, and I slipped past her +and opened the door. The shop boy and I stand face to face alone for the +second time. + +"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did this +going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I got +furious, and cried: + +"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather." + +This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain fails +him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of five +shillings. + +"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently, and +I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to use force +if he doesn't come to the point. + +But the poor man has no misgivings. + +Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this +world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all +happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had +lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over +it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from one +foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make signs to +hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last: + +"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!" + +"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate +him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster +head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered my +head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that was +opposed to my thoroughly honest nature. + +"What did you do with it, then?" + +"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must +understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the +poor so.... + +He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious as +to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says: + +"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?" + +"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in any +way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I stand and +explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of being ashamed +as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me. Therefore I wash +my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!' +Good-day." + +I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room, into +the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in my knees +from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high horse, and +sank together once more. + +I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by the +throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a +lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake of +his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five shillings +that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of his fear, had +tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with every loud word +that I had roared out. And the master himself had perhaps been sitting +inside the inner room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come +out and inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the +low things I might be tempted to do. + +Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I +would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would not +have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would have +assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for one happy +second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me only this +once!... + +I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might die +during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a little, +so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the morning. I folded +my hands and chose my position. + +All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten her +the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so faintly into +my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so blessedly warm; +and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy light that caresses me +with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns +sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated +brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a +heaven and earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of +fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in +brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom! + +And I saw and heard no more.... + + * * * * * + +I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body bathed +in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I had no +clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in amazement, +felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely failed to recognize +myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my legs, was struck with +astonishment that the window was where it was, and not in the opposite +wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as +if it came from above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish. + +My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my elbow +and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches. My feet +had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me no pain, +only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff. + +As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little +dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a little. I +felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my balance and +spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much, and I did not +cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad. On the contrary, I +was blissfully content. It did not strike me just then that anything could +be otherwise than it was. + +Then I went out. + +The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that the +thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be sensible of +a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which grew steadily +worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast; carrying on a +silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of diminutive +gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed for a little, +then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a little more, then lay +quite still for a moment's space, and then began afresh, boring +noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere +after them as they went on.... + +I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to the +market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome; at last +I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market and Market +Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and I had just +stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice the place I +was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the noise around me +was something frightful. + +Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear it +quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly as my +bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me, and the +wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little quicker if I had +exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a +couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in +my shoes. + +The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the +van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have been +worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't think +any bones were broken. Oh, pray.... + +I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who +stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow; +comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was +bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed to +pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and saw +blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side; it was +not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they were; he +looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I had begged +him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He +would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return, +wherever he is!... + +I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my +shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed my +chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got dark I +jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and sat on the +edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and took to chewing +it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and unseeing eyes, +staring straight into space. I could hear a group of little children +playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some +pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing. + +All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars underneath +me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the balustrade to the +other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the steps. When I had +nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I called up the archway +leading to the stairs, and made a threatening backward gesture, as if I +were talking to a dog up there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I +met. + +"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said; "only +a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him something +to carry in his mouth." + +I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a +morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily +that he looked at me in amazement. + +"Oh, no need of thanks," said he. + +"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I +ascended the steps again. + +My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of the +passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and stopped +outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no light to +be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I began to gnaw +at the bone. + +It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced to +vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it down, it +would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a matter of +forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew wild, bit +angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down by sheer +strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as the little +fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came again, worse +luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from sheer +helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone +got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried +as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers +that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice. + +Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the most +fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with gnashing +teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy me a little, +comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it avails me naught, +I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the most impotent hate; +shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely, +and bend my fingers like claws, with ill-suppressed fury.... + +I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you did, +I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire of hell! +I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed me; and I turn +my back on you for all eternity, because you did not know your time of +visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and yet I mock you! You +Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the face--I tell you, I +would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I +tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness; +and I choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the +devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down! + +I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most +crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you have +filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots from here +below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at their hour of +death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and you know not, you +omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my +life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock +you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could, +breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop +in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom, and curse +the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's boundless +miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all thy works and all +thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell on you again, and tear +out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell you, if you exist, my +last word in life or in death--I bid you farewell, for all time and +eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and reins. I bid you the last +irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and turn my back on you and go my +way.... Quiet. + +I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot, +still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the violent +crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied outburst of rage. +I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the +door. Then I hear voices--a conversation between two men who are coming +down the passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls +of the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog along +Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar direction. It +occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the corner of the +market-place, the stores for loose materials, the old booths for +second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the place--they spoilt the +whole appearance of the market, and were a blot on the town, Fie! away +with the rubbish! And I turned over in my mind as I walked on what it +would cost to remove the Geographical Survey down there--that handsome +building which had always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It +would perhaps not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under +two or three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must +admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a +start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy +enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling +over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I +had a feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really +singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it +did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down +town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would, +for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to +die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot +throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping up +through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular distress. +I had endured worse sensations. + +In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no +noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor +slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a lame +man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped him +instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun had +sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under the man's +nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!" +which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been +smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously. + +Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed. + +He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to? + +The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the air; +it dangles a little. + +"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?" + +"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the +_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, +reckoned in good old geographical miles. + +"To Holmestrand? I should think..." + +"Or to Voeblungsnaess?" + +"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..." + +"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again. "You +wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of tobacco--only +just a tiny scrap?" + +I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made no +use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye on +me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or another. +Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look following +me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn round, and, +dragging myself back to him, say: + +"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at him +as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It was as +if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I stare for +a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to +the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his +gaze fixed upon me. + +"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a +feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him +before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat. It +seemed to me an eternity since that day. + +Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against a +house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street. +Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not +succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to +the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the +"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from +the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his +compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the +pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to +walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening. + +Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He +slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would have +called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!" + +"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it +finished, then?" + +"No, it didn't get finished." + +My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I +cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor" tweaks +his nose and looks at me. + +"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions. + +"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today, +but...." + +"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve +yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket. + +This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to the +wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands me +half-a-sovereign. + +He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign, reiterating +at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to death. I +stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is shameful of +me to ... it was really too much.... + +"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the +train; I hear it coming now." + +I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't +even thank him once. + +"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor" at +last. "I know you can write for it." + +And so off he went. + +When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not +thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but could +not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near tumbling on +my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave up the attempt; +thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when after all I did +muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he was already at too +great a distance, and my voice had become too weak. + +I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly and +silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me half-a- +sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood, imitated +all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened eyes, +inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the top of my +voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in my hand was +half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown +very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11 +Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and +wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into +the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for shelter +and was immediately supplied with a bed. + + * * * * * + +Tuesday. + +Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared. +There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter everywhere. +The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets, golden-tinted from the +sun-light, azure from the sky.... + +At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found +fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour, +and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented streets +and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a turn up St. +Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of No. 2. In an hour +I would see her. I went about the whole time in a state of tremulous, +delicious dread. What would happen? What should I say when she came down +the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with +the smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her. + +I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl +Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the clocks +struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the way it +struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late, and I +quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore, otherwise +nothing ailed me. + +I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a long +while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come. Well, I +would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I waited on. It +couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had my first meeting +with her only existed in imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began +in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all sure. + +"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps +near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide staircase +before me. + +"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take off my hat +at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this way. + +"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a little quickly +after her walk. + +"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And besides, +would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, by-the-way, that you +would come from another direction." + +"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the evening with +them." + +"Oh, indeed," I say. + +We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing at the +corner, looking at us. + +"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and stops. + +"Wherever you wish; only where _you_ wish." + +"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself." + +A pause. + +Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something: + +"I see it's dark up in your windows." + +"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening off, too, so +I am all alone at home." + +We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither of us had +seen them before. + +"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down at the door +the whole time if you like." + +But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I had perhaps +been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and leave me. Suppose I +were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable attire of mine! I waited +despairingly for her reply. + +"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She says it +right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You shall certainly +not sit down by the door." + +We went up. + +Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, and led me +on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she said, I could very +well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the candle--it was not a lamp she +lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the candle, she said, with a little +laugh: + +"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am +so ashamed, but I will never do it again." + +"What will you never do again?" + +"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never kiss you +again!" + +"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my arms to her, +and she glided away; slipped round to the other side of the table. We +stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle stood right between us. + + +"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to seize hold +of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, and took off her +hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched my movements. I made a +fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and fell, my sore foot refusing to +bear me up any longer. I rose in extreme confusion. + +"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully awkward of +you." + +"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh. + +"It seems to me you limp." + +"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that matter." + +"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; it is +awful the number of afflictions you have." + +"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago." + +"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, young +man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to appear +grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by the door; you +are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I here--so, that's it ... +ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! One has to say and do +everything oneself; one gets no help to do anything. Now, for example, you +might just as well put your arm over the back of my chair; you could +easily have thought of that much out of your own head, couldn't you? But +if I say anything like that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't +believe what was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it +several times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade +me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to be +otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were tipsy--when +you followed me straight home and worried me with your witticisms. 'You +are losing your book, madam; you are quite certainly losing your book, +madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really shameless of you." + +I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my blood +raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of enjoyment in +it! + +"Why don't you say something?" + +"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here getting +thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment thoroughly +fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the most extraordinary +creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, that I never saw their +match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, well, no, perhaps, not like +flowers, either, but ... I am so desperately in love with you, and it is +so preposterous ... for, great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a +chance for me.... What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you +are called." + +"No; what is _your_ name? Gracious, I was nearly forgetting that +again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I meant to ask you--yes, +that is to say, not _all_ yesterday, but--" + +"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you like that? +It has a gliding sound...." + +"Ylajali?" + +"Yes." + +"Is that a foreign language?" + +"Humph--no, it isn't that either!" + +"Well, it isn't ugly!" + +After a long discussion we told one another our names. She seated herself +close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair away with her foot, and +we began to chatter afresh. + +"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole a little +better than the last time--that is to say, only just a scrap better. Don't +imagine ... no; the last time you were really shabby, and you had a dirty +rag round your finger into the bargain; and in that state you absolutely +wanted me to go to some place, and take wine with you--thanks, not me!" + +"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that you would +not go with me?" I said. + +"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I didn't even +think about it." + +"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring under the +delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, aren't you? And +that is just what I can't do; I am very, very poor." + +She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried. + +"Yes, worse luck, I am." + +After an interval. + +"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful movement of her +head. + +Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like drops of +wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting her head a little +on one side, and listening when I said anything, and I could feel her +breath brush my face. + +"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get angry--when I +went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... so ... as if you lay +on it ... and then I went to sleep." + +"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could only be from +a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, for otherwise...." + +"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?" + +"No, I don't believe it." + +"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my arm around +her waist. + +"Can I?" was all she said. + +It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me as being so +utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my heart, and seized her +hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a little away from me. That +just put an end to my courage again; I felt ashamed, and looked out +through the window. I was, in spite of all, in far too wretched a +condition; I must, above all, not try to imagine myself any one in +particular. It would have been another matter if I had met her during the +time that I still looked like a respectable human being--in my old, +well-off days when I had sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt +fearfully downcast! + +"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one can snub you +with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by just moving a +little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, roguishly, with +tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand being looked at, either. + +"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," and I flung +my arms violently around her shoulders. I was mortified. Was the girl out +of her senses? Did she think I was totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I +would, by the living.... No one should say of me that I was backward on +that score. The creature was possessed by the devil himself! If it were +only a matter of going at it, well.... + +She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither of us +spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body greedily against my +breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her heart's beat, both hers +and mine; they sounded like hurrying hoofbeats. + +I kissed her. + +I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she laughed at, +whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, kissed her many +times.... + +She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the breath of +her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; she strokes down my +shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a lot of loose hair there +is." + +"Yes," I reply. + +"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?" + +"Don't know." + +"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, I won't +say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have believed that of you! +To think that you, who are so young, already should lose your hair! Now, +do please just tell me what sort of way you really spend your life--I am +certain it is dreadful! But only the truth, do you hear; no evasions. +Anyway, I shall see by you if you hide anything--there, tell now!" + +"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then." + +"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man you are.... +Ah, I am sure it is dreadful." + +It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid of +thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the misgivings she had +as to my way of life. I would clear myself in her eyes, make myself worthy +of her, show her that she was sitting at the side of a person almost +angelically disposed. Why, bless me, I could count my falls up to date on +my fingers. I related--related all--and I only related truth. I made out +nothing any worse than it was; it was not my intention to rouse her +compassion. I told her also that I had stolen five shillings one evening. + +She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her shining eyes +completely bewildered. I desired to make it good again, to disperse the +sad impression I had made, and I pulled myself up. + +"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of such a thing +happening again; I am saved now...." + +But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she said, +then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and kept silent +after each "the Lord preserve me." + +I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted her up to +my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, downright hurt. Was I +more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had myself been instrumental in +causing the falling out of my hair? Would she have thought more of me if I +had made myself out to be a _roue_?... No nonsense now;... it was +just a matter of going at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at +it, so, by the living... + +"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these distressing +words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!" + +I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean that!" + +"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon you +followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?" + +"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...." + +"Yes; but that made it so much the worse." + +"Would you rather I had been tipsy?" + +"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be now!" + +I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, as if +inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. She made a +despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little whimper. + +"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, kind...." + +I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so helpless, I was +struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a compensation by giving me +leave to kiss her! How charming, how charmingly naive. I could have fallen +down and knelt before her. + +"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't +understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this is...." + +She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant back on the +sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in reality very ill at +ease. + +She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started. + +"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first thing she +said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket as if to put it +on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went over to the fireplace. So +that it should not appear as if she had shown me the door, I said: + +"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared to leave. + +"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?" + +"I didn't know; it just came into my head." + +"That was odd." + +"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of +presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?" + +She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her with my +presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went towards the +door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give me her hand? I +stood and waited. + +"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained quietly standing +over near the fireplace. + +I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her without +saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when nothing was to come +of it? What was the matter with her now? It didn't seem to put her out +that I stood prepared to leave. She was all at once completely lost to me, +and I searched for something to say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting +word that would strike her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the +face of my first resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold, +disturbed and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling +word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless fashion. +Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and straightly to go my way? +I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was no need of feeling embarrassed +about it. Instead of reminding me that the girl would soon come home, she +could have simply said as follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and +fetch my mother, and I won't have your escort through the street." So it +was not that she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the +same she had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require +much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken up her +jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me immediately. As I said +before, I had presentiments; and it was not altogether insanity that was +at the root of it.... + +"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out of my +mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did not come over +to me. + +I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with the +painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my words went +home, and all the same I did not cease. + +At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one were not +insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on trifles, and +died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that I had such a +nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that degree sharpened certain +powers in me, so that they caused me unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you +honestly, unpleasantness; worse luck! But this had also its advantages. It +helped me in certain situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far +nicer observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about him +at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he hears from +the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this way a task for +his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is quick of hearing, and +sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul bears the sears of the +fire.... + +And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the longer I +talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, "My God!" a +couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I could see well that I +tormented her, and I had no wish to torment her--but did it, all the same. +At last, being of the opinion that I had succeeded in telling her in rude +enough terms the essentials of what I had to say, I was touched by her +heart-stricken expression. I cried: + +"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already have my hand +on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. "You might answer +me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the point of going. I don't +even ask to meet you again, for it would torment you. But tell me, why +didn't you leave me in peace? What had I done to you? I didn't get in your +way, now, did I? Why did you turn away from me all at once, as if you +didn't know me any longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare, +made me even more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but, +indeed, I am not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing +is the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or give +me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I will only +kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the floor before you, +only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not to do it then, I see. +You are getting afraid. I will not, I will not do it; do you hear? Lord, +why do you get so terrified. I am standing quite still; I am not moving. I +would have knelt down on the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that +patch of red, at your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once +in your eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't +move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as immovable as +I stand now when I point out the place to you where I would have knelt +before you, over there on the crimson rose in the carpet. I don't even +point with my finger. I don't point at all; I let it be, not to frighten +you. I only nod and look over at it, like this! and you know perfectly +well which rose I mean, but you won't let me kneel there. You are afraid +of me, and dare not come near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have +the heart to call me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either, +any longer? It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I +worked too hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had +too much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have +remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is true! +God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie. There, you can +see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need I did it; I can get +credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good +deal of money in my pocket, and did not buy food all the same, because I +forgot it. Do you hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you +don't stir a bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...." + +She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I looked at +her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true heartiness, or did she +only do it to get rid of me? She wound her arms round my neck; she had +tears in her eyes; I only stood and looked at her. She offered her mouth; +I couldn't believe in her; it was quite certain she was making a sacrifice +as a means of putting an end to all this. + +She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in spite of +all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did not hear +aright. She may not have said just those words; but she cast herself +impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms about my neck for a +little while, stretched even up a bit on her toes to get a good hold, and +stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I was afraid that she was forcing +herself to show me this tenderness, and I only said: + +"What a darling you are now!" + +More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, rushed to the +door, and went out backwards. She remained in there behind me. + + + + +Part IV + + +Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A foggy, dark, +and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh wind the whole week +through. The gas was lighted almost all the day in the streets, and yet +people jostled one another in the fog. Every sound, the clang of the +church bells, the jingling of the harness of the droske horses, the +people's voices, the beat of the hoofs, everything, sounded choked and +jangling through the close air, that penetrated and muffled everything. + +Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the same. + +And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more closely +bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where I had found +shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money was exhausted long +since; and yet I continued to come and go in this place as if I had a +right to it, and was at home there. The landlady had, as yet, said +nothing; but it worried me all the same that I could not pay her. In this +way three weeks went by. I had already, many days ago, taken to writing +again; but I could not succeed in putting anything together that satisfied +me. I had not longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove +early and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune +had flown; and I exerted myself in vain. + +It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that I sat and +made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there since the first +evening when I had money and was able to settle for what I got. All the +time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last succeeding in getting together +an article on some subject or another, so that I could pay for my room, +and for whatever else I owed. That was the reason I worked on so +persistently. I had, in particular, commenced a piece from which I +expected great things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon +which I intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander" +in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent this +time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it only was a +matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why shouldn't the spirit +move me? Why should it not come over me even now, at a very early date? +There was no longer anything the matter with me. My landlady gave me a +little food every day, some bread and butter, mornings and evenings, and +my nervousness had almost flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands +when I wrote; and I could stare down into the street from my window on the +second floor without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it +was becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already +finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was.... + +But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how weak I had +really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. Namely, on this +day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning which she asked me to look +over. There must be something wrong in this reckoning, she said; it didn't +agree with her own book; but she had not been able to find out the +mistake. + +I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and looked at me. +I added up these score of figures first once down, and found the total +right; then once up again, and arrived at the same result. I looked at the +woman sitting opposite me, waiting on my words. I noticed at the same time +that she was pregnant; it did not escape my attention, and yet I did not +stare in any way scrutinizingly at her. + +"The total is right," said I. + +"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't be so +much; I am positive of it." + +And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp chimney, +3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any particularly shrewd +head to run up these rows of figures--this little huckster account in +which nothing very complex occurred. I tried honestly to find the error +that the woman spoke about, but couldn't succeed. After I had muddled +about with these figures for some minutes I felt that, unfortunately, +everything commenced to dance about in my head; I could no longer +distinguish debit or credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came +to a dead stop at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at +9d." My brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese, +and got no farther. + +"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in despair. +"Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese entered--ha, ha! +did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; you can see for yourself." + + +"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind of Dutch +cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this case five +ounces." + +"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, although in +truth I understood nothing more whatever. + +I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could have +totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, and thought +over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I blinked my eyes +reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter sharply, but I had to give +it up. These five ounces of cheese finished me completely; it was as if +something snapped within my forehead. But yet, to give the impression that +I still worked out my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number +aloud, all the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if +I were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I said: + +"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there is no +mistake, as far as I can see." + +"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I saw well +that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to throw a dash of +contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone that I had never heard +from her before. She remarked that perhaps I was not accustomed to reckon +in sixteenths; she mentioned also that she must only apply to some one who +had a knowledge of sixteenths, to get the account properly revised. She +said all this, not in any hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but +thoughtfully and seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said, +without looking at me: + +"Excuse me for taking up your time then." + +Off she went. + +A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She could +hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had turned back. + +"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there is a little +owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three weeks yesterday +since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't so easy to keep things +going with such a big family, so that I can't give lodging on credit, +more's the...." + +I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told you about +before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, you shall have +your money; you can make yourself quite easy...." + +"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though." + +"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or perhaps +already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it may move me some +time tonight, and then my article will be completed in a quarter of an +hour at the outside. You see, it isn't with my work as with other +people's; I can't sit down and get a certain amount finished in a day. I +have just to wait for the right moment, and no one can tell the day or +hour when the spirit may move one--it must have its own time...." + +My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much shaken. + +As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in despair. No, +in spite of all, there was really no salvation for me--no salvation! My +brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned into a complete dolt since I +could not even add up the price of a piece of Dutch cheese? But could it +be possible I had lost my senses when I could stand and put such questions +to myself? Had not I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts +with the reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the +family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me anything +about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I sat and saw it +with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right at a despairing +moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How could I explain this to +myself? + +I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into Vognmandsgade. Some +children were playing down on the pavement; poorly dressed children in the +middle of a poor street. They tossed an empty bottle between them and +screamed shrilly. A load of furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to +some dislodged family, forced to change residence between "flitting time." +[Footnote: In Norway, l4th of March and October.] This struck me at once. +Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float, moth-eaten beds and +chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with three legs, mats, old iron, and +tin-ware. A little girl--a mere child, a downright ugly youngster, with a +running cold in her nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with +her poor little blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap +of frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on, and +looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to one +another.... + +I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending everything +that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the window and observed +this, I could hear my landlady's servant singing in the kitchen right +alongside of my room. I knew the air she was singing, and I listened to +hear if she would sing false, and I said to myself that an idiot could not +have done all this. + +I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man. + +Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up and begin +to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one of them; he was my +landlady's son. I open the window to hear what they are saying to one +another, and immediately a flock of children crowded together under my +window, and looked wistfully up. What did they expect? That something +would be thrown down? Withered flowers, bones, cigar ends, or one thing or +another, that they could amuse themselves with? They looked up with their +frost-pinched faces and unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two +small foes continued to revile one another. + +Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their childish +mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' oaths, that they +perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are both so engaged that +they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out to see what is going on. + +"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I couldn't breaths +for ever so long," and turning upon the little man who is the cause of the +quarrel, and who is standing grinning maliciously at him, he gets +perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To +think such vermin as you should catch folk by the throat. I will, may the +Lord...." + +And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole street with +her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes him by the arm and +tries to drag him in: + +"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, too, as if +you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with you." + +"No, I won't." + +"Yes, you will." + +"No, I won't." + +I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is rising; this +disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't endure it any longer. +I call down to the boy to come up to me for a minute; I call twice, just +to distract them--to change the scene. The last time I call very loudly, +and the mother turns round flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her +self-possession at once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright +maliciously, and enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring. +She talks loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought +to be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are." + +Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not even one +little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was acutely keen; I +absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood and thought out my own +thought, about each thing according as it occurred. So it was impossible +that there could be anything the matter with my brain. How could there, in +this case, be anything the matter with it? + +Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you have been +worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving yourself no end of +worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end to this tomfoolery. Is it +a sign of insanity to notice and apprehend everything as accurately as you +do? You make me almost laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without +its humorous side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to +every man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the +simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure accident. +As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a good laugh at +your expense. As far as that huckster account is concerned, that paltry +five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I can happily dub it so. Ha, +ha!--a cheese with cloves and pepper in it; upon my word, a cheese in +which, to put the matter plainly, one could breed maggots. As far as that +ridiculous cheese is concerned, it might happen to the cleverest fellow in +the world to be puzzled over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough +to finish a man; ... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other +Dutch cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said +I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter. That is +another matter. + +I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly diverting. +There was positively no longer anything the matter with me. I was in good +form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; I had a level head, +nothing was wanting there, God be praised and thanked! My mirth rose in +measure as I paced the floor and communed with myself. I laughed aloud, +and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it really seemed, too, as if I only +needed this little happy hour, this moment of airy rapture, without a care +on any side, to get my head into working order once more. + +I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it +progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not very +fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was altogether +first-rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour without getting tired. + +I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of a +Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a point, that +all the rest I have written counted as nothing in comparison. I was, +namely, just about to weave in, in a downright profound way, this thought. +It was not books that were burning, it was brains, human brains; and I +intended to make a perfect Bartholomew's night of these burning brains. + +Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; my landlady +came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle of the room, she did +not even pause on the threshold. + +I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a blow. + +"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a traveller, +and we must have this room for him. You will have to sleep downstairs with +us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to yourself there too." And before she +got my answer, she began, without further ceremony, to bundle my papers +together on the table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire +confusion. + +My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in anger and +despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, never uttered a +syllable. She thrust all the papers into my hand. + +There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the room. And +so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new traveller already +on the stairs; a young man with great blue anchors tattooed on the backs +of his hands. A quay porter followed him, bearing a sea-chest on his +shoulders. He was evidently a sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he +would therefore not occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps, +too, I might be lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my +moments again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay +on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to submit to +fate. + +I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common room in +which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, wife, wife's +father, and four children. The servant lived in the kitchen, where she +also slept at night. I approached the door with much repugnance, and +knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices inside. + +The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge my nod +even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no concern of his. +Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person I had seen down on the +quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." An infant lay and prattled to +itself over in the bed, and an old man, the landlady's father, sat doubled +together on a settle-bed, and bent his head down Over his hands as if his +chest or stomach pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in +his crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its +ears at something. + +"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I said to +the man. + +"Did my wife say so?" he inquired. + +"Yes; a new lodger came to my room." + +To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the cards. There +this man sat, day after day, and played cards with anybody who happened to +come in--played for nothing, only just to kill time, and have something in +hand. He never did anything else, only moved just as much as his lazy +limbs felt inclined, whilst his wife bustled up and down stairs, was +occupied on all sides, and took care to draw customers to the house. She +had put herself in connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she +paid a certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often +gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was "Pane o' +glass" that had just brought along the new lodger. + +A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin, freckled, +gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively wretched. A while after +the landlady herself entered. I asked her where she intended to put me up +for the night, and she replied that I could lie in here together with the +others, or out in the ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she +answered me she fussed about the room and busied herself with different +things that she set in order, and she never once looked at me. + +My spirits were crushed by her reply. + +I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make it appear +as if I were quite content all the same to change my room for another for +one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on purpose not to irritate her +and perhaps be hustled right out of the house. + +"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then held my +tongue. + +She still bustled about the room. + +"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't afford to give +people credit for their board and lodging," said she, "and I told you that +before, too." + +"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I get my +article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give you an extra +five shillings--willingly." + +But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; and I +could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a slight +mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out. + + * * * * * + +A few days passed over. + +I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in the +ante-room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on the floor of +the room. + +The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not seem like +moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in and related how he +had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he was going to take his +first-mate's examination before leaving, that was why he was staying in +town. I stood and listened to this, and understood that my room was lost +to me for ever. + +I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky enough to get +anything written, it would have perforce to be here where it was quiet. It +was no longer the allegory that occupied me; I had got a new idea, a +perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a one-act drama--"The Sign of the +Cross." Subject taken from the Middle Ages. I had especially thought out +everything in connection with the principal characters: a magnificently +fanatical harlot who had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or +desire, but for hate against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the +altar, with the altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt +for heaven. + +I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went on. She +stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, and was exactly +as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be deformed and repulsive, +tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when she walked, her long limbs +should gleam through her draperies at every stride she took. She was also +to have large outstanding ears. Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to +dwell upon, barely endurable to look at. What interested me in her was her +wonderful shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin +which she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was +absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and I +worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had finished +half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much effort, at times +with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and had to tear the page in +two, I had become tired, quite stiff with cold and fatigue, and I arose +and went out into the street. For the last half-hour, too, I had been +disturbed by the crying of the children inside the family room, so that I +could not, in any case, have written any more just then. So I took a long +time up over Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering +incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my drama. +Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following happened: + +I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann Street, almost +at the railway square. God knows why I stood just outside this shoemaker's +shop. I looked into the window as I stood there, but did not, by the way, +remember that I needed shoes then; my thoughts were far away in other +parts of the world. A swarm of people talking together passed behind my +back, and I heard nothing of what was said. Then a voice greeted me +loudly: + +"Good-evening." + +It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I looked at +him, too, for a while, before I recognized him. + +"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired. + +"Oh, always well ... as usual." + +"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with Christie?" + +"Christie?" + +"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at Christie's?" + +"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along with that +fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own accord." + +"Why so?" + +"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--" + +"A false entry, eh?" + +False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the face if I +had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently with much +interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made no reply. + +"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he said, as if to +console me. He still believed I had made a false entry designedly. + +"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the best +fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you stand there +and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty of such a mean +trick as that? I!" + +"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you distinctly +say that." + +"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if you want to +know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the pen wrong--that was +my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell right from wrong yet a +while. How would it fare with me if I were, into the bargain, to sully my +honour? It is simply my sense of honour that keeps me afloat now. But it +is strong enough too; at least, it has kept me up to date." + +I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down the +street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on a woman at +a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with "Missy," I would not +have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I would not have given this +toss of my head, as I turned away in offence; and so perhaps this red +dress would have passed me without my having noticed it. And at bottom +what did it concern me? What was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon. +Miss Nagel, the lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to +make good his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the +whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up the +street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding delicate dart. I +whispered in thought without moving my lips: + +"Ylajali!" + +Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the +two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his +hat to them, and followed them with his eyes. I +did not raise my hat, or perhaps I did unconsciously. +The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and disappeared. + +"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy." + +"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know the lady?" + +"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?" + +"No," I replied. + +"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough." + +"Did I?" + +"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. Why, it +was only at you she looked, too, the whole time." + +"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know her. It +dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were three jovial souls +together, they came out late from the Grand, and met this being going +along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they addressed her. At first she +answered rebuffingly; but one of the jovial spirits, a man who neither +feared fire nor water, asked her right to her face if he might not have +the civilized enjoyment of accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord, +not hurt a hair on her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her +door, reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he could +not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along, hit upon one +thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag, and represented +himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged to laugh at this merry +soul who refused to be rebuffed by her coldness, and it finally ended by +his going with her. + +"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my breath +for his reply. + +"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question." + +We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I. + +"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks like," he +added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with that fellow; well, +then, I wouldn't like to answer for her." + +I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the pace with +her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her good-day with all +her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to console myself by +thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a downright pleasure in +dragging her through the mire. It only annoyed me to think that I had +doffed my hat to the pair, if I really had done so. Why should I raise my +hat to such people? I did not care for her any longer, certainly not; she +was no longer in the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen +off. Ah, the devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been +the case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least +astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her. But that +was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute, like a fool, +especially when she had become so seriously besmirched of late. "The Duke" +was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day might come when I would just +take into my head to pass her haughtily by without glancing once towards +her. Ay, it might happen that I would venture to do this, even if she were +to gaze straight into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the +bargain. It might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If +I knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama during +the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I would have +brought this young woman to her knees--with all her charms, ha, ha! with +all her charms.... + +"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He queried: + +"But what do you do all day now?" + +"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I live by? +For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign of the Cross.' +Theme taken from the Middle Ages." + +"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed with that, +why...." + +"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight days' time +or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a little more of me." + +With that I left him. + +When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested a lamp. It +was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I would not go to bed +tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I hoped so surely to be able +to write a good portion of it before morning. I put forward my request +very humbly to her, as I had noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on +my re-entering the sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a +remarkable drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that +it might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she would +only just render me this great service now.... + +But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call to mind +that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until twelve o'clock, +I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I buy myself a candle? + +I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew that right +well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat inside with +us--simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the kitchen at all; so +that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I stood and thought over +this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl remarked to me: + +"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were you at a +dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest. + +I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something here, in +the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed persistently at the +floor to avoid being distracted by anything; but it helped not a whit; +nothing helped me; I got no farther. The landlady's two little girls came +in and made a row with the cat--a queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair +on it; they blew into its eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled +down its nose. The landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and +played _cent et un_. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and +sewed at some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the +midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more about me; +she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had been out to dine. +The whole household had become hostile towards me. It was as if I had only +needed disgrace of being obliged to resign my room to a stranger to be +treated as a man of no account. Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed, +street-wench, with a big fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat +bosom, poked fun at me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and +butter. She inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of +dining, as she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It +was clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a +pleasure in letting me know of it. + +I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to find a +solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; a strange +buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust the papers into +my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting straight opposite me. I look +at her--look at her narrow back and drooping shoulders, that are not yet +fully developed. What business was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing +I did come out of the palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She +had laughed insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit +awkward and stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my +coat. It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy, +that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected fragments +of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made fun of them in +every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my expense. I had never +molested her in any way, and could not recall that I had ever asked her to +do me a service. On the contrary, I made up my bed on the floor in the +ante-room myself, in order not to give her any trouble with it. She made +fun of me, too, because my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in +the basin I washed in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my +shoes, too, had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had +been run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in them. +"God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; "they are as +wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were trodden out. But then +I couldn't procure myself any others just at present. + +Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the evident malice +of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease the old man over in +the bed; they are jumping around him, fully bent on this diversion. They +both found a straw, which they poked into his ears. I looked on at this +for a while, and refrained from interfering. The old fellow did not move a +finger to defend himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious +eyes each time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the +straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at this +sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father looked up from +his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also drew the attention of +his comrades at play to what was going on. Why didn't the old fellow move? +Why didn't he fling the children aside with his arms? I took a stride, and +approached the bed. + +"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the landlord. + +And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out of fear of +rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this scene, I stepped +back silently to my old place and kept myself quiet. Why should I risk my +lodging and my portion of bread and butter by poking my nose into the +family squabbles? No idiotic pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man, +and I stood and felt as delightfully hard as a flint. + +The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them that the +old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at his eyes and +nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous expression; he said nothing, +and could not stir his arms. Suddenly he raised the upper part of his body +a little and spat in the face of one of the little girls, drew himself up +again and spat at the other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on, +saw that the landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and +sprang over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted: + +"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old boar?" + +"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside myself. + +But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I certainly did +not utter my protest with any particular force; I only trembled over my +whole body with irritation. He turned towards me, and said: + +"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just keep your +tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, 'twill serve you +best." + +But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was filled with +scolding and railing. + +"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the whole pack of +you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here you'll have to be quiet, +both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that one is to keep open house and +food for vermin, but one is to have sparring and rowing and the devil's +own to-do in the sitting-room as well. But I won't have any more of it, +not if I know it. Sh--h! Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your +noses, too; if you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of +such people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny to +buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the night and +quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean to have any more +of it, do you understand that? and you can go your way, every one who +doesn't belong home here. I am going to have peace in my own quarters, I +am." + +I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again next the +door and listened to the noise. They all screamed together, even the +children, and the girl who wanted to explain how the whole disturbance +commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all blow over sometime; it would +surely not come to the worst if I only did not utter a word; and what word +after all could I have to say? Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far +advanced into the night, besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and +show one could hold one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no +attempt to leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never +felt ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared coolly, +case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an oleograph, and held my +tongue obstinately during all the landlady's attack. + +"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be nothing +in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the card-players as he +stood up. The other card-players rose as well. + +"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to them. "If +there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, if there's the +least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will be shown quick enough +who it is...." + +She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short intervals, and spun +it out to make it clearer and clearer that it was me she meant. "Quiet," +said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She had not asked me to go--not +expressly, not in plain words. Just no putting on side on my part--no +untimely pride! Brave it out!... That was really most singular green hair +on that Christ in the oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or +expressed with exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly +correct remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas +darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text, Each +life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day of Judgment, +when all will be consumed; then a little detour down to the earthquake in +Lisbon, about which something floated before me in reference to a brass +Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle that I had seen down at +Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, just like grass that was kindled. +It all ended in four planks and a winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had +from Miss Andersen's, on the right of the door...." And all this was +tossed about in my head during the despairing moment when my landlady was +about to thrust me from her door. + +"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this house. Now +you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is mad, I do! Now, out +you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more chat about it." + +I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly not in +order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had been a key in +the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in along with the rest +to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical dread of going out into the +streets again. + +But there was no key in the door. + +Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his wife, and I +stood still with amazement. The same man who had threatened me a while ago +took my part, strangely enough now. He said: + +"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can be +punished for doing that?" + +"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't say, but +perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself quickly, grew quiet, +and spoke no more. + +She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, but I did +not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I pretended that I +had had a little food in town. + +When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, she came +out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, whilst her +unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me: + +"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know it." + +"Yes, yes," I replied. + +There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, if I tried +hard for it. I would surely be able to find some hiding-place. For the +time being I would rejoice that I was not obliged to go out tonight. + +I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet light +when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain in all my +clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to do. When I had +drunk a little cold water and opened the door quietly, I went out +directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady again. + +A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the only living +beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men began to extinguish +the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, reached Kirkegaden and the +road down towards the fortress. Cold and still sleepy, weak in the knees +and back after my long walk, and very hungry, I sat down on a seat and +dozed for a long time. For three weeks I had lived exclusively on the +bread and butter that my landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it +was twenty-four hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw +badly at me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this +thought I fell asleep again upon the seat.... + +I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when I had +collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and that every one +was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun burst over the +heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my delight over the lovely +morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, I forgot all cares, and it +seemed to me as if I had fared worse on other occasions. I clapped myself +on the chest and sang a little snatch for myself. My voice sounded so +wretched, downright exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with +it. This magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too +mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping. + +"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, but +hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the bridge. A large +barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged coal. I read her name, +_Copegoro_, on her side. It distracted me for a time to watch what +took place on board this foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she +lay with IX foot visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had +already taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship +whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy boots. + +The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this busy, merry +life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to run lustily. +Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few scenes of my drama +whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of my pocket. + +I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that ought to +swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so I skipped over +the monk and tried to work out an oration--the Deemster's oration to the +violator of the Temple,--and I wrote half-a-page of this oration, upon +which I stopped. The right local colour would not tinge my words, the +bustle about me, the shanties, the noise of the gangways, and the +ceaseless rattle of the iron chains, fitted in so little with the +atmosphere of the musty air of the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my +drama as with a mist. + +I bundled my papers together and got up. + +All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt convinced +that I could effect something if all went well. + +If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right there in +the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a single quiet spot +in the town where I could seat myself for an hour. There was no other way +open; I would have to go back to the lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank +at the thought of it, and I told myself all the while that it would not +do. I went ahead all the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the +forbidden spot. Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it +was degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was +not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I was one +of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead. + +I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no matter what +the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said and done, what a +bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first it was only a matter of +a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord forbid that I should ever seek +refuge in such a house again. I entered the yard. Even whilst I was +crossing the uneven stones I was irresolute, and almost turned round at +the very door. I clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could +excuse myself by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper +adieu, and come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house.... + +I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all irrelevant +impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of a sentence in the +inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the law to me, thus dictates +also the counsel of my wise men, thus dictate I and my own conscience...." +I looked out of the window to think over what his conscience should +dictate to him. A little row reached me from the room inside. Well, it was +no affair of mine anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me +what noise arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet +now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything conspired +against me. Outside in the street, something was taking place that +disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the sun on the +opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear of no danger--just +sat and knotted together a lot of paper streamers, and injuring no one. +Suddenly he jumps up and begins to curse; he goes backwards to the middle +of the street and catches sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red +beard, who is leaning out of an open window in the second storey, and who +spat down on his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore +impatiently up at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps +five minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the little +lad's tears. + +"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible to get +any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it seemed to me +that even that which I had already written was unfit to use, ay, that the +whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could one possibly talk of +conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was first invented by +Dancing-master Shakespeare, consequently my whole address was wrong. Was +there, then, nothing of value in these pages? I ran through them anew, and +solved my doubt at once. I discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy +pieces of remarkable merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set +to work again darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama. + +I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to my +landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the room +firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the second floor, and +entered my former room. The man was not there, and what was to hinder me +from sitting here for a moment? I would not touch one of his things. I +wouldn't even once use his table; I would just seat myself on a chair near +the door, and be happy. I spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees. +Things went splendidly for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready +in my head, and I wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the +other, dashed ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over +my happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I +heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle. + +A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church bell--a church +bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my drama. All was going +ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard a step on the stairs. I +tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit ready to bolt, timorous, +watchful, full of fear at everything, and excited by hunger. I listen +nervously, just hold the pencil still in my hand, and listen. I cannot +write a word more. The door opens and the pair from below enter. + +Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, the landlady +calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement: + +"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here again!" + +"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no farther; the +landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, and shrieked: + +"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the police!" + +I got up. + +"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had to wait for +you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on the chair...." + +"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the devil does +it matter? Let the man alone; he--" + +By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I got +furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my heels to +get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the worst abusive +epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I bethought myself in +time, and held my peace, if only out of gratitude to the stranger man who +followed her, and would have to hear them. She trod close on my heels, +railing incessantly, and my anger increased with every step I took. + +We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating whether I +would not have it out with her. I was at this moment completely blinded +with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an expression that would +strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in her stomach. A commissionaire +passes me at the entrance. He touches his hat; I take no notice; he +applies to her; and I hear that he inquires for me, but I do not turn +round. A couple of steps outside the door he overtakes and stops me. He +hands me an envelope. I tear it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains +half-a-sovereign--no note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask: + +"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?" + +"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave it to me." + +I stood still. The commissionaire left. + +I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and envelope, +wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is still keeping an +eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her face. I said nothing; I +uttered no syllable--only noticed that she was examining the crumpled +paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what one might call comporting oneself +with dignity. Not to say a word, not to mention the contents, but crumple +together, with perfect calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it +straight in the face of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's +exit with dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I.... + +When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, the street +commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it buzzed vacantly in my +head, and I staggered up against the wall of a house. I could simply go no +farther, couldn't even straighten myself from the cramped position I was +in. As I fell up against it, so I remained standing, and I felt that I was +beginning to lose my senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of +exhaustion. I lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried +several other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, +wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a little. My +thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was about to succumb. +I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back from the wall. The street +still danced wildly round me. I began to hiccough with rage, and I +wrestled from my very inmost soul with my misery; made a right gallant +effort not to sink down. It was not my intention to collapse; no, I would +die standing. A dray rolls slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in +it; but out of sheer fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to +assert that they are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful +oaths that they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I +swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have the +vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated with the +thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three fingers in the air, +and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy +Ghost, that they were cabbages. + +Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and dried the +sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long breaths, and forced +myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it declined towards the +afternoon. I began once more to brood over my condition. My hunger was +really something disgraceful, and, in a few hours more, night would be +here again. The question was, to think of a remedy while there was yet +time. My thoughts flew again to the lodging-house from which I had been +hunted away. I could on no account return there; but yet one could not +help thinking about it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite +within her rights in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging +with any one when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally +given me a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her, +she offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer +good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to complain. +I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her pardon in my own +mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted bitterly that I had shown +myself ungrateful to her at the last, and thrown half-a-sovereign in her +face.... + +Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger brought me, +where did it come from? It was only this instant I thought clearly over +this, and I divined at once how the whole thing hung together. I grew sick +with pain and shame. I whispered "Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice, +and flung back my head. Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had +decided to pass her proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the +greatest indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion, +and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an end to my +degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a decent position. +I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I turned; sank to my knees, +sank to my waist, dived under in ignominy, never to rise again--never! +This was the climax! To accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able +to fling it back to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the +chance offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of +one's intense inner aversion.... + +Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To go back +to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no use. There must +be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only to exert myself right +well, and consider it over. It was not, in this case, great God, +sufficient to consider in just an ordinary way! I must consider so that it +penetrated my whole sentient being; consider and find some way to procure +this half-sovereign. And I set to, to consider the answer to this problem. + + +It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could perhaps meet +the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama completed. + +I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with might and +main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I sweat, and re-read +from the beginning, but make no progress. No bosh! I say--no obstinacy, +now! and I write away at my drama--write down everything that strikes me, +just to get finished quickly and be able to go away. I tried to persuade +myself that a new supreme moment had seized me; I lied right royally to +myself, deceived myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to +seek for words. + +That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, interpolatingly; only +just write it down! Halt! they sound questionable; they contrast rather +strongly with the speeches in the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle +Ages shone through the monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth, +jump to my feet, tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling +my hat down in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to +myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few +words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat. + +A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is standing in +the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to me. As I lift my +head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing there for a long time +watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and go over to him. + +"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he hauls out his +watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole time. + +"About four," he replies. + +"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know your +business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He looked +utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping mouth, still +holding his watch in his hand. + +When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. He was +still standing in the same position, following me with his eyes. + +Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined effrontery! +That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into them.... I was +peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing a little strain. Every +nerve was tense with excitement. Without feeling any more pain, without +even being conscious of discomfort of any kind, I walked, light as a +feather, across the whole market, turned round at the stalls, and came to +a halt--sat down on a bench near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just +as well be a matter of indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign +or not? When once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no +want where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was +sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the messenger +keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole half-sovereign +that had been sent to me. So there was positively no help for it. + +I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract myself +with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the half-sovereign still +busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my fists and got angry. It would +hurt her if I were to send it back. Why, then, should I do so? Always +ready to consider myself too good for everything--to toss my head and say, +No, thanks! I saw now what it led to. I was out in the street again. Even +when I had the opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I +must needs be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man +to stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my way.... +I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging and brought +myself into the most distressful circumstances. + +As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of the +yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, and I had +barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid it away to +utterly strange people whom I would never see again. That was the sort of +man I was; I always paid out to the last doit whatever I owed. If I knew +Ylajali aright, neither did she regret that she had sent me the money, +therefore why did I sit there working myself into a rage? To put it +plainly, the least she could do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and +then. The poor girl was indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally +in love with me; ... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion. +There was no doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl. + +It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my prolonged +nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made itself felt anew. +I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and gazed at the chemist's +under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was waging a fierce battle in me at +this moment, and I was suffering greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out +into space, a figure becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At +last I can distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is +that of the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the +sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat, and +begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman before the +same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and snap my fingers, +rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No nonsense at all! What +the devil was it to me if it was the wages of sin, or well-earned +Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be +abused; one might die of too much pride.... + +I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a standstill +before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and shape my words as if +it were a foregone conclusion that I would return sometime. + +"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again." + +"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me. + +I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of hers, this +pretending not to know me again, and say: + +"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did not say +anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call to mind, I did +not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest folk to deal with, it +is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to say, draw up a contract for +every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who gave you the money!" + +"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come to think +over it...." + +I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I say, +therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in search of +something to eat: + +"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes." + +She did not seem to take this in. + +"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any rate, the +first instalment; I don't need all of them today." + +"You've come to get them?" + +"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh boisterously, +as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from the outset that I +came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up from the table, a sort of +white roll that I commenced to eat. + +When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle of clothes, +makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her wares, and gives me to +understand that she had not expected me to return to rob her of them. + +"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an +extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience that +some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care of, without +that person returning and demanding them again? No; just look at that now! +Did she perhaps run away with the idea that it was stolen money, since I +slung it at her in that manner? No; she didn't think that either. Well, +that at least was a good thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so +say, kind of her, in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha! +yes indeed, she really was good! + +But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was exasperated, and +called out loudly about it. I explained why I had given her the money, +explained it temperately and with emphasis. It was my custom to act in +this manner, because I had such a belief in every one's goodness. Always +when any one offered me an agreement, a receipt, I only shook my head and +said: No, thank you! God knows I did. + +But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to other +expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. Had it never +happened to her before that any one had paid her in advance in this +manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who could afford it--for +example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I could not be expected to +suffer because it happened to be a strange mode of procedure to her. It +was a common practice abroad. She had perhaps never been outside the +boundaries of her own country? No? Just look at that now! In that case, +she could of course have no opinion on the subject; ... and I took several +more cakes from the table. + +She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of her +stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of my hand +and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the table, and +threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient with her, I said. +Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I would clear her whole stand, +because it was a big sum of money that I had given to her. But I had no +intention of taking so much, I wanted in reality only half the value of +the money, and I would, into the bargain, never come back to trouble her +again. Might God preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of +creature she was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or +five, at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think +of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her, persisted +that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a shilling, besides +robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you know there is a penalty for +such rascally trickery," said I; "God help you, you might get penal +servitude for life, you old fool!" She flung another cake to me, and, with +almost gnashing teeth, begged me to go. + +And I left her. + +Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. The whole +time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and ate my cakes, I +talked loudly about this creature and her shamelessness, repeated to +myself what we both had said to one another, and it seemed to me that I +had come out of this affair with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I +ate my cakes in face of everybody and talked this over to myself. + +The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no matter how +I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they were of no help! I +was so ravenous that I was even about to devour the last little cake that +I had decided to spare, right from the beginning, to put it aside, in +fact, for the little chap down in Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played +with the paper streamers. I thought of him continually--couldn't forget +his face as he jumped and swore. He had turned round towards the window +when the man spat down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was +laughing at him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down +that way. + +I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed quickly by +the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and where some scraps of +papers still lay about; avoided the policeman whom I had amazed by my +behaviour, and reached the steps upon which the laddie had been sitting. + +He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was gathering in, +and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone in. I laid the cake +down, stood it upright against the door, knocked hard, and hurried away +directly. He is sure to find it, I said to myself; the first thing he will +do when he comes out will be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with +pleasure at the thought of the little chap finding the cake. + +I reached the terminus again. + +Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten began to +cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up anew in my head. + +Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one of those +ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I walk farther down +the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, fold my hands, and am +conscious that my head is growing more and more confused. I do not stir; I +simply make no effort whatever to keep up any longer. I just sit there and +stare at the _Copegoro_, the barque flying the Russian flag. + +I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at the port +shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to him. I had no +object in talking, as I did not expect to get a reply, either. + +I said: + +"Do you sail tonight, Captain?" + +"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish. + +"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?" + +I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was met by a +refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the man gave me, so I +stood and waited for it. + +"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young fellow." + +"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses furtively +and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, and strode on +deck. + +"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put to. Where +are you bound for?" + +"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz." + +"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the same to me +where I go; I am prepared to do my work." + +"Have you never sailed before?" he asked. + +"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am used to a +little of all sorts." + +He bethought himself again. + +I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this voyage, +and I began to dread being hounded on shore again. + +"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can really do +anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a poor sort of chap +if I couldn't do a little more than just what I was put to. I can take two +watches at a stretch, if it comes to that. It would only do me good, and I +could hold out all the same." + +"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can part in +England." + +"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again that we +could part in England if it didn't work. + +And he set me to work.... + +Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and exhaustion, +and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present to the town--to +Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly in all the homes. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER *** + +This file should be named 7hngr10.txt or 7hngr10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7hngr11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7hngr10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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