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Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Hunger + +Author: Knut Hamsun + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8387] +[This file was first posted on July 6, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Robert Connal, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + +</PRE> + +<h1 class="centered">HUNGER</h1> + +<h2 class="centered">Translated from the Norwegian of<br> +<br> +KNUT HAMSUN</h2> + +<h2 class="centered">by GEORGE EGERTON</h2> + +<h2 class="centered"><em>With an introduction by Edwin +Björkman</em></h2> + +<p> </p> + +<h3 class="intro">Knut Hamsun</h3> + +<p class="intro"><em>Since the death of Ibsen and Strindberg, +Hamsun is undoubtedly the foremost creative writer of the +Scandinavian countries. Those approaching most nearly to his +position are probably Selma Lagerlöf in Sweden and Henrik +Pontoppidan in Denmark. Both these, however, seem to have less than +he of that width of outlook, validity of interpretation and +authority of tone that made the greater masters what they +were.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>His reputation is not confined to his own +country or the two Scandinavian sister nations. It spread long ago +over the rest of Europe, taking deepest roots in Russia, where +several editions of his collected works have already appeared, and +where he is spoken of as the equal of Tolstoy and Dostoyevski. The +enthusiasm of this approval is a characteristic symptom that throws +interesting light on Russia as well as on Hamsun.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Hearing of it, one might expect him to prove a +man of the masses, full of keen social consciousness. Instead, he +must be classed as an individualistic romanticist and a highly +subjective aristocrat, whose foremost passion in life is violent, +defiant deviation from everything average and ordinary. He fears +and flouts the dominance of the many, and his heroes, who are +nothing but slightly varied images of himself, are invariably +marked by an originality of speech and action that brings them +close to, if not across, the borderline of the eccentric.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>In all the literature known to me, there is no +writer who appears more ruthlessly and fearlessly himself, and the +self thus presented to us is as paradoxical and rebellious as it is +poetic and picturesque. Such a nature, one would think, must be the +final blossoming of powerful hereditary tendencies, converging +silently through numerous generations to its predestined climax. +All we know is that Hamsun's forebears were sturdy Norwegian +peasant folk, said only to be differentiated from their neighbours +by certain artistic preoccupations that turned one or two of them +into skilled craftsmen. More certain it is that what may or may not +have been innate was favoured and fostered and exaggerated by +physical environment and early social experiences.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun was born on Aug. 4, 1860, in one of the +sunny valleys of central Norway. From there his parents moved when +he was only four to settle in the far northern district of +Lofoden--that land of extremes, where the year, and not the day, is +evenly divided between darkness and light; where winter is a long +dreamless sleep, and summer a passionate dream without sleep; where +land and sea meet and intermingle so gigantically that man is all +but crushed between the two--or else raised to titanic measures by +the spectacle of their struggle.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>The Northland, with its glaring lights and +black shadows, its unearthly joys and abysmal despairs, is present +and dominant in every line that Hamsun ever wrote. In that country +his best tales and dramas are laid. By that country his heroes are +stamped wherever they roam. Out of that country they draw their +principal claims to probability. Only in that country do they seem +quite at home. Today we know, however, that the pathological case +represents nothing but an extension of perfectly normal tendencies. +In the same way we know that the miraculous atmosphere of the +Northland serves merely to develop and emphasize traits that lie +slumbering in men and women everywhere. And on this basis the +fantastic figures created by Hamsun relate themselves to ordinary +humanity as the microscopic enlargement of a cross section to the +living tissues. What we see is true in everything but +proportion.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>The artist and the vagabond seem equally to +have been in the blood of Hamsun from the very start. Apprenticed +to a shoemaker, he used his scant savings to arrange for the +private printing of a long poem and a short novel produced at the +age of eighteen, when he was still signing himself Knud Pedersen +Hamsund. This done, he abruptly quit his apprenticeship and entered +on that period of restless roving through trades and continents +which lasted until his first real artistic achievement with +"Hunger," In 1888-90. It has often been noted that practically +every one of Hamsun's heroes is of the same age as he was then, and +that their creator takes particular pain to accentuate this fact. +It is almost as if, during those days of feverish literary +struggle, he had risen to heights where he saw things so clearly +that no subsequent experience could add anything but occasional +details.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Before he reached those heights, he had tried +life as coal-heaver and school teacher, as road-mender and +surveyor's attendant, as farm hand and streetcar conductor, as +lecturer and free-lance journalist, as tourist and emigrant. Twice +he visited this country during the middle eighties, working chiefly +on the plains of North Dakota and in the streets of Chicago. Twice +during that time he returned to his own country and passed through +the experiences pictured in "Hunger," before, at last, he found his +own literary self and thus also a hearing from the world at large. +While here, he failed utterly to establish any sympathetic contact +between himself and the new world, and his first book after his +return in 1888 was a volume of studies named "The Spiritual Life of +Modern America," which a prominent Norwegian critic once described +as "a masterpiece of distorted criticism." But I own a copy of this +book, the fly-leaf of which bears the following inscription in the +author's autograph:</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em> "A youthful work. It has ceased to +represent my opinion of America.<br> + May 28, 1903. Knut Hamsun."</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>In its original form, "Hunger" was merely a +sketch, and as such it appeared in 1888 in a Danish literary +periodical, "New Earth." It attracted immediate widespread +attention to the author, both on account of its unusual theme and +striking form. It was a new kind of realism that had nothing to do +with photographic reproduction of details. It was a professedly +psychological study that had about as much in common with the +old-fashioned conceptions of man's mental activities as the +delirious utterances of a fever patient. It was life, but presented +in the Impressionistic temper of a Gauguin or Cezanne. On the +appearance of the completed novel in 1890, Hamsun was greeted as +one of the chief heralds of the neo-romantlc movement then +spreading rapidly through the Scandinavian north and finding +typical expressions not only in the works of theretofore unknown +writers, but in the changed moods of masters like Ibsen and +Bjornson and Strindberg.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>It was followed two years later by +"Mysteries," which pretends to be a novel, but which may be better +described as a delightfully irresponsible and defiantly subjective +roaming through any highway or byway of life or letters that +happened to take the author's fancy at the moment of writing. Some +one has said of that book that in its abrupt swingings from +laughter to tears, from irreverence to awe, from the ridiculous to +the sublime, one finds the spirits of Dostoyevski and Mark Twain +blended.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>The novels "Editor Lynge" and "New Earth," +both published in 1893, were social studies of Christiania's +Bohemia and chiefly characterized by their violent attacks on the +men and women exercising the profession which Hamsun had just made +his own. Then came "Pan" in 1894, and the real Hamsun, the Hamsun +who ever since has moved logically and with increasing authority to +"The Growth of the Soil," stood finally revealed. It is a novel of +the Northland, almost without a plot, and having its chief interest +in a primitively spontaneous man's reactions to a nature so +overwhelming that it makes mere purposeless existence seem a +sufficient end in itself. One may well question whether Hamsun has +ever surpassed the purely lyrical mood of that book, into which he +poured the ecstatic dreams of the little boy from the south as, for +the first time, he saw the forestclad northern mountains bathing +their feet in the ocean and their crowns in the light of a +never-setting sun. It is a wonderful paean to untamed nature and to +the forces let loose by it within the soul of man.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Like most of the great writers over there, +Hamsun has not confined himself to one poetic mood or form, but has +tried all of them. From the line of novels culminating in "Pan," he +turned suddenly to the drama, and in 1895 appeared his first play, +"At the Gates of the Kingdom." It was the opening drama of a +trilogy and was followed by "The Game of Life" in 1896 and "Sunset +Glow" in 1898. The first play is laid in Christiania, the second in +the Northland, and the third in Christiania again. The hero of all +three is Ivar Kareno, a student and thinker who is first presented +to us at the age of 29, then at 39, and finally at 50. His wife and +several other characters accompany the central figure through the +trilogy, of which the lesson seems to be that every one is a rebel +at 30 and a renegade at 50. But when Kareno, the irreconcilable +rebel of "At the Gates of the Kingdom," the heaven-storming +truth-seeker of "The Game of Life," and the acclaimed radical +leader in the first acts of "Sunset Glow," surrenders at last to +the powers that be in order to gain a safe and sheltered harbor for +his declining years, then another man of 29 stands ready to +denounce him and to take up the rebel cry of youth to which he has +become a traitor. Hamsun's ironical humor and whimsical manner of +expression do more than the plot itself to knit the plays into an +organic unit, and several of the characters are delightfully drawn, +particularly the two women who play the greatest part in Kareno's +life: his wife Eline, and Teresita, who is one more of his many +feminine embodiments of the passionate and changeable Northland +nature. Any attempt to give a political tendency to the trilogy +must be held wasted. Characteristically, Kareno is a sort of +Nietzschean rebel against the victorious majority, and Hamsun's +seemingly cynical conclusions stress man's capacity for action +rather than the purposes toward which that capacity may be +directed.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Of three subsequent plays, "Vendt the Monk," +(1903), "Queen Tamara" (1903) and "At the Mercy of Life" (1910), +the first mentioned is by far the most remarkable. It is a verse +drama in eight acts, centred about one of Hamsun's most typical +vagabond heroes. The monk Vendt has much in common with Peer Gynt +without being in any way an imitation or a duplicate. He is a +dreamer in revolt against the world's alleged injustice, a rebel +against the very powers that invisibly move the universe, and a +passionate lover of life who in the end accepts it as a joyful +battle and then dreams of the long peace to come. The vigor and +charm of the verse proved a surprise to the critics when the play +was published, as Hamsun until then had given no proof of any +poetic gift in the narrower sense.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>From 1897 to 1912 Hamsun produced a series of +volumes that simply marked a further development of the tendencies +shown in his first novels: "Siesta," short stories, 1897; +"Victoria" a novel with a charming love story that embodies the +tenderest note in his production, 1898; "In Wonderland," travelling +sketches from the Caucasus, 1903; "Brushwood," short stories, 1903; +"The Wild Choir," a collection of poems, 1904; "Dreamers," a novel, +1904; "Struggling Life," short stories and travelling sketches, +1905; "Beneath the Autumn Star" a novel, 1906; "Benoni," and +"Rosa," two novels forming to some extent sequels to "Pan," 1908; +"A Wanderer Plays with Muted Strings," a novel, 1909; and "The Last +Joy," a shapeless work, half novel and half mere uncoordinated +reflections, 1912.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>The later part of this output seemed to +indicate a lack of development, a failure to open up new vistas, +that caused many to fear that the principal contributions of Hamsun +already lay behind him. Then appeared in 1913 a big novel, +"Children of the Time," which in many ways struck a new note, +although led up to by "Rosa" and "Benoni." The horizon is now +wider, the picture broader. There is still a central figure, and +still he possesses many of the old Hamsun traits, but he has +crossed the meridian at last and become an observer rather than a +fighter and doer. Nor is he the central figure to the same extent +as Lieutenant Glahn in "Pan" or Kareno in the trilogy. The life +pictured is the life of a certain spot of ground--Segelfoss manor, +and later the town of Segelfoss--rather than that of one or two +isolated individuals. One might almost say that Hamsun's vision has +become social at last, were it not for his continued accentuation +of the irreconcilable conflict between the individual and the +group.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>"Segelfoss Town" in 1915 and "The Growth of +the Soil"--the title ought to be "The Earth's Increase"--in 1918 +continue along the path Hamsun entered by "Children of the Time." +The scene is laid in his beloved Northland, but the old primitive +life is going--going even in the outlying districts, where the +pioneers are already breaking ground for new permanent settlements. +Business of a modern type has arrived, and much of the quiet humor +displayed in these the latest and maturest of Hamsun's works +springs from the spectacle of its influence on the natives, whose +hands used always to be in their pockets, and whose credulity in +face of the improbable was only surpassed by their unwillingness to +believe anything reasonable. Still the life he pictures is largely +primitive, with nature as man's chief antagonist, and to us of the +crowded cities it brings a charm of novelty rarely found in books +today. With it goes an understanding of human nature which is no +less deep-reaching because it is apt to find expression in +whimsical or flagrantly paradoxical forms.</em></p> + +<p class="intro"><em>Hamsun has just celebrated his sixtieth +birthday anniversary. He is as strong and active as ever, burying +himself most of the time on his little estate in the heart of the +country that has become to such a peculiar extent his own. There is +every reason to expect from him works that may not only equal but +surpass the best of his production so far. But even if such +expectations should prove false, the body of his work already +accomplished is such, both in quantity and quality, that he must +perforce be placed in the very front rank of the world's living +writers. To the English-speaking world he has so far been made +known only through the casual publication at long intervals of a +few of his books: "Hunger," "Fictoria" and "Shallow Soil" (rendered +in the list above as "New Earth"). There is now reason to believe +that this negligence will be remedied, and that soon the best of +Hamsun's work will be available in English. To the American and +English publics it ought to prove a welcome tonic because of its +very divergence from what they commonly feed on. And they may +safely look to Hamsun as a thinker as well as a poet and laughing +dreamer, provided they realize from the start that his thinking is +suggestive rather than conclusive, and that he never meant it to be +anything else.</em></p> + +<p class="intro">EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.</p> + +<h2 class="spaced">Part I</h2> + +<p>It was during the time I wandered about and starved in +Christiania: Christiania, this singular city, from which no man +departs without carrying away the traces of his sojourn there.</p> + +<hr> +<p>I was lying awake in my attic and I heard a clock below strike +six. It was already broad daylight, and people had begun to go up +and down the stairs. By the door where the wall of the room was +papered with old numbers of the <em>Morgenbladet</em>, I could +distinguish clearly a notice from the Director of Lighthouses, and +a little to the left of that an inflated advertisement of Fabian +Olsens' new-baked bread.</p> + +<p>The instant I opened my eyes I began, from sheer force of habit, +to think if I had anything to rejoice over that day. I had been +somewhat hard-up lately, and one after the other of my belongings +had been taken to my "Uncle." I had grown nervous and irritable. A +few times I had kept my bed for the day with vertigo. Now and then, +when luck had favoured me, I had managed to get five shillings for +a feuilleton from some newspaper or other.</p> + +<p>It grew lighter and lighter, and I took to reading the +advertisements near the door. I could even make out the grinning +lean letters of "winding- sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's" on +the right of it. That occupied me for a long while. I heard the +clock below strike eight as I got up and put on my clothes.</p> + +<p>I opened the window and looked out. From where I was standing I +had a view of a clothes, line and an open field. Farther away lay +the ruins of a burnt-out smithy, which some labourers were busy +clearing away. I leant with my elbows resting on the window-frame +and gazed into open space. It promised to be a clear day--autumn, +that tender, cool time of the year, when all things change their +colour, and die, had come to us. The ever- increasing noise in the +streets lured me out. The bare room, the floor of which rocked up +and down with every step I took across it, seemed like a gasping, +sinister coffin. There was no proper fastening to the door, either, +and no stove. I used to lie on my socks at night to dry them a +little by the morning. The only thing I had to divert myself with +was a little red rocking-chair, in which I used to sit in the +evenings and doze and muse on all manner of things. When it blew +hard, and the door below stood open, all kinds of eerie sounds +moaned up through the floor and from out the walls, and the +<em>Morgenbladet</em> near the door was rent in strips a span +long.</p> + +<p>I stood up and searched through a bundle in the corner by the +bed for a bite for breakfast, but finding nothing, went back to the +window.</p> + +<p>God knows, thought I, if looking for employment will ever again +avail me aught. The frequent re pulses, half-promises, and curt +noes, the cherished, deluded hopes, and fresh endeavours that +always resulted in nothing had done my courage to death. As a last +resource, I had applied for a place as debt collector, but I was +too late, and, besides, I could not have found the fifty shillings +demanded as security. There was always something or another in my +way. I had even offered to enlist in the Fire Brigade. There we +stood and waited in the vestibule, some half-hundred men, thrusting +our chests out to give an idea of strength and bravery, whilst an +inspector walked up and down and scanned the applicants, felt their +arms, and put one question or another to them. Me, he passed by, +merely shaking his head, saying I was rejected on account of my +sight. I applied again without my glasses, stood there with knitted +brows, and made my eyes as sharp as needles, but the man passed me +by again with a smile; he had recognized me. And, worse than all, I +could no longer apply for a situation in the garb of a respectable +man.</p> + +<p>How regularly and steadily things had gone downhill with me for +a long time, till, in the end, I was so curiously bared of every +conceivable thing. I had not even a comb left, not even a book to +read, when things grew all too sad with me. All through the summer, +up in the churchyards or parks, where I used to sit and write my +articles for the newspapers, I had thought out column after column +on the most miscellaneous subjects. Strange ideas, quaint fancies, +conceits of my restless brain; in despair I had often chosen the +most remote themes, that cost me long hours of intense effort, and +never were accepted. When one piece was finished I set to work at +another. I was not often discouraged by the editors' "no." I used +to tell myself constantly that some day I was bound to succeed; and +really occasionally when I was in luck's way, and made a hit with +something, I could get five shillings for an afternoon's work.</p> + +<p>Once again I raised myself from the window, went over to the +washing- stand, and sprinkled some water on the shiny knees of my +trousers to dull them a little and make them look a trifle newer. +Having done this, I pocketed paper and pencil as usual and went +out. I stole very quietly down the stairs in order not to attract +my landlady's attention (a few days had elapsed since my rent had +fallen due, and I had no longer anything wherewith to raise +it).</p> + +<p>It was nine o'clock. The roll of vehicles and hum of voices +filled the air, a mighty morning-choir mingled with the footsteps +of the pedestrians, and the crack of the hack-drivers' whips. The +clamorous traffic everywhere exhilarated me at once, and I began to +feel more and more contented. Nothing was farther from my intention +than to merely take a morning walk in the open air. What had the +air to do with my lungs? I was strong as a giant; could stop a dray +with my shoulders. A sweet, unwonted mood, a feeling of lightsome +happy-go-luckiness took possession of me. I fell to observing the +people I met and who passed me, to reading the placards on the +wall, noted even the impression of a glance thrown at me from a +passing tram-car, let each bagatelle, each trifling incident that +crossed or vanished from my path impress me.</p> + +<p>If one only had just a little to eat on such a lightsome day! +The sense of the glad morning overwhelmed me; my satisfaction +became ill-regulated, and for no definite reason I began to hum +joyfully.</p> + +<p>At a butcher's stall a woman stood speculating on sausage for +dinner. As I passed her she looked up at me. She had but one tooth +in the front of her head. I had become so nervous and easily +affected in the last few days that the woman's face made a +loathsome impression upon me. The long yellow snag looked like a +little finger pointing out of her gum, and her gaze was still full +of sausage as she turned it upon me. I immediately lost all +appetite, and a feeling of nausea came over me. When I reached the +market- place I went to the fountain and drank a little. I looked +up; the dial marked ten on Our Saviour's tower.</p> + +<p>I went on through the streets, listlessly, without troubling +myself about anything at all, stopped aimlessly at a corner, turned +off into a side street without having any errand there. I simply +let myself go, wandered about in the pleasant morning, swinging +myself care-free to and fro amongst other happy human beings. This +air was clear and bright and my mind too was without a shadow.</p> + +<p>For quite ten minutes I had had an old lame man ahead of me. He +carried a bundle in one hand and exerted his whole body, using all +his strength in his endeavours to get along speedily. I could hear +how he panted from the exertion, and it occurred to me that I might +offer to bear his bundle for him, but yet I made no effort to +overtake him. Up in Graendsen I met Hans Pauli, who nodded and +hurried past me. Why was he in such a hurry? I had not the +slightest intention of asking him for a shilling, and, more than +that, I intended at the very first opportunity to return him a +blanket which I had borrowed from him some weeks before.</p> + +<p>Just wait until I could get my foot on the ladder, I would be +beholden to no man, not even for a blanket. Perhaps even this very +day I might commence an article on the "Crimes of Futurity," +"Freedom of Will," or what not, at any rate, something worth +reading, something for which I would at least get ten shillings.... +And at the thought of this article I felt myself fired with a +desire to set to work immediately and to draw from the contents of +my overflowing brain. I would find a suitable place to write in the +park and not rest until I had completed my article.</p> + +<p>But the old cripple was still making the same sprawling +movements ahead of me up the street. The sight of this infirm +creature constantly in front of me, commenced to irritate me--his +journey seemed endless; perhaps he had made up his mind to go to +exactly the same place as I had, and I must needs have him before +my eyes the whole way. In my irritation it seemed to me that he +slackened his pace a little at every cross street, as if waiting to +see which direction I intended to take, upon which he would again +swing his bundle in the air and peg away with all his might to keep +ahead of me. I follow and watch this tiresome creature and get more +and more exasperated with him, I am conscious that he has, little +by little, destroyed my happy mood and dragged the pure, beautiful +morning down to the level of his own ugliness. He looks like a +great sprawling reptile striving with might and main to win a place +in the world and reserve the footpath for himself. When we reached +the top of the hill I determined to put up with it no longer. I +turned to a shop window and stopped in order to give him an +opportunity of getting ahead, but when, after a lapse of some +minutes, I again walked on there was the man still in front of +me--he too had stood stock still,--without stopping to reflect I +made three or four furious onward strides, caught him up, and +slapped him on the shoulder.</p> + +<p>He stopped directly, and we both stared at one another fixedly. +"A halfpenny for milk!" he whined, twisting his head askew.</p> + +<p>So that was how the wind blew. I felt in my pockets and said: +"For milk, eh? Hum-m--money's scarce these times, and I don't +really know how much you are in need of it."</p> + +<p>"I haven't eaten a morsel since yesterday in Drammen; I haven't +got a farthing, nor have I got any work yet!"</p> + +<p>"Are you an artisan?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; a binder."</p> + +<p>"A what?"</p> + +<p>"A shoe-binder; for that matter, I can make shoes too."</p> + +<p>"Ah, that alters the case," said I, "you wait here for some, +minutes and I shall go and get a little money for you; just a few +pence."</p> + +<p>I hurried as fast as I could down Pyle Street, where I knew of a +pawnbroker on a second-floor (one, besides, to whom I had never +been before). When I got inside the hall I hastily took off my +waistcoat, rolled it up, and put it under my arm; after which I +went upstairs and knocked at the office door. I bowed on entering, +and threw the waistcoat on the counter.</p> + +<p>"One-and-six," said the man.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, thanks," I replied. "If it weren't that it was +beginning to be a little tight for me, of course I wouldn't part +with it."</p> + +<p>I got the money and the ticket, and went back. Considering all +things, pawning that waistcoat was a capital notion. I would have +money enough over for a plentiful breakfast, and before evening my +thesis on the "Crimes of Futurity" would be ready. I began to find +existence more alluring; and I hurried back to the man to get rid +of him.</p> + +<p>"There it is," said I. "I am glad you applied to me first."</p> + +<p>The man took the money and scrutinized me closely. At what was +he standing there staring? I had a feeling that he particularly +examined the knees of my trousers, and his shameless effrontery +bored me. Did the scoundrel imagine that I really was as poor as I +looked? Had I not as good as begun to write an article for +half-a-sovereign? Besides, I had no fear whatever for the future. I +had many irons in the fire. What on earth business was it of an +utter stranger if I chose to stand him a drink on such a lovely +day? The man's look annoyed me, and I made up my mind to give him a +good dressing-down before I left him. I threw back my shoulders, +and said:</p> + +<p>"My good fellow, you have adopted a most unpleasant habit of +staring at a man's knees when he gives you a shilling."</p> + +<p>He leant his head back against the wall and opened his mouth +widely; something was working in that empty pate of his, and he +evidently came to the conclusion that I meant to best him in some +way, for he handed me back the money. I stamped on the pavement, +and, swearing at him, told him to keep it. Did he imagine I was +going to all that trouble for nothing? If all came to all, perhaps +I owed him this shilling; I had just recollected an old debt; he +was standing before an honest man, honourable to his +finger-tips--in short, the money was his. Oh, no thanks were +needed; it had been a pleasure to me. Good-bye!</p> + +<p>I went on. At last I was freed from this work-ridden plague, and +I could go my way in peace. I turned down Pyle Street again, and +stopped before a grocer's shop. The whole window was filled with +eatables, and I decided to go in and get something to take with +me.</p> + +<p>"A piece of cheese and a French roll," I said, and threw my +sixpence on to the counter.</p> + +<p>"Bread and cheese for the whole of it?" asked the woman +ironically, without looking up at me.</p> + +<p>"For the whole sixpence? Yes," I answered, unruffled.</p> + +<p>I took them up, bade the fat old woman good-morning, with the +utmost politeness, and sped, full tilt, up Castle Hill to the +park.</p> + +<p>I found a bench to myself, and began to bite greedily into my +provender. It did me good; it was a long time since I had had such +a square meal, and, by degrees, I felt the same sated quiet steal +over me that one feels after a good long cry. My courage rose +mightily. I could no longer be satisfied with writing an article +about anything so simple and straight- ahead as the "Crimes of +Futurity," that any ass might arrive at, ay, simply deduct from +history. I felt capable of a much greater effort than that; I was +in a fitting mood to overcome difficulties, and I decided on a +treatise, in three sections, on "Philosophical Cognition." This +would, naturally, give me an opportunity of crushing pitiably some +of Kant's sophistries ... but, on taking out my writing materials +to commence work, I discovered that I no longer owned a pencil: I +had forgotten it in the pawn-office. My pencil was lying in my +waistcoat pocket.</p> + +<p>Good Lord! how everything seems to take a delight in thwarting +me today! I swore a few times, rose from the seat, and took a +couple of turns up and down the path. It was very quiet all around +me; down near the Queen's arbour two nursemaids were trundling +their perambulators; otherwise, there was not a creature anywhere +in sight. I was in a thoroughly embittered temper; I paced up and +down before my seat like a maniac. How strangely awry things seemed +to go! To think that an article in three sections should be +downright stranded by the simple fact of my not having a pennyworth +of pencil in my pocket. Supposing I were to return to Pyle Street +and ask to get my pencil back? There would be still time to get a +good piece finished before the promenading public commenced to fill +the parks. So much, too, depended on this treatise on +"Philosophical Cognition"--mayhap many human beings' welfare, no +one could say; and I told myself it might be of the greatest +possible help to many young people. On second thoughts, I would not +lay violent hands on Kant; I might easily avoid doing that; I would +only need to make an almost imperceptible gliding over when I came +to query Time and Space; but I would not answer for Renan, old +Parson Renan....</p> + +<p>At all events, an article of so-and-so many columns has to be +completed. For the unpaid rent, and the landlady's inquiring look +in the morning when I met her on the stairs, tormented me the whole +day; it rose up and confronted me again and again, even in my +pleasant hours, when I had otherwise not a gloomy thought.</p> + +<p>I must put an end to it, so I left the park hurriedly to fetch +my pencil from the pawnbroker's.</p> + +<p>As I arrived at the foot of the hill I overtook two ladies, whom +I passed. As I did so, I brushed one of them accidentally on the +arm. I looked up; she had a full, rather pale, face. But she +blushes, and, becomes suddenly surprisingly lovely. I know not why +she blushes; maybe at some word she hears from a passer-by, maybe +only at some lurking thought of her own. Or can it be because I +touched her arm? Her high, full bosom heaves violently several +times, and she closes her hand tightly above the handle of her +parasol. What has come to her?</p> + +<p>I stopped, and let her pass ahead again. I could, for the +moment, go no further; the whole thing struck me as being so +singular. I was in a tantalizing mood, annoyed with myself on +account of the pencil incident, and in a high degree disturbed by +all the food I had taken on a totally empty stomach. Suddenly my +thoughts, as if whimsically inspired, take a singular direction. I +feel myself seized with an odd desire to make this lady afraid; to +follow her, and annoy her in some way. I overtake her again, pass +her by, turn quickly round, and meet her face-to-face in order to +observe her well. I stand and gaze into her eyes, and hit, on the +spur of the moment, on a name which I have never heard before--a +name with a gliding, nervous sound--Ylajali! When she is quite +close to me I draw myself up and say impressively:</p> + +<p>"You are losing your book, madam!" I could hear my heart beat +audibly as I said it.</p> + +<p>"My book?" she asks her companion, and she walks on.</p> + +<p>My devilment waxed apace, and I followed them. At the same time, +I was fully conscious that I was playing a mad prank without being +able to stop myself. My disordered condition ran away with me; I +was inspired with the craziest notions, which I followed blindly as +they came to me. I couldn't help it, no matter how much I told +myself that I was playing the fool. I made the most idiotic +grimaces behind the lady's back, and coughed frantically as I +passed her by. Walking on in this manner--very slowly, and always a +few steps in advance--I felt her eyes on my back, and involuntarily +put down my head with shame for having caused her annoyance. By +degrees, a wonderful feeling stole over me of being far, far away +in other places; I had a half-undefined sense that it was not I who +was going along over the gravel hanging my head.</p> + +<p>A few minutes later, they reached Pascha's bookshop. I had +already stopped at the first window, and as they go by I step +forward and repeat:</p> + +<p>"You are losing your book, madam!"</p> + +<p>"No; what book?" she asks affrightedly. "Can you make out what +book it is he is talking about?" and she comes to a stop.</p> + +<p>I hug myself with delight at her confusion; the irresolute +perplexity in her eyes positively fascinates me. Her mind cannot +grasp my short, passionate address. She has no book with her; not a +single page of a book, and yet she fumbles in her pockets, looks +down repeatedly at her hands, turns her head and scrutinizes the +streets behind her, exerts her sensitive little brain to the utmost +in trying to discover what book it is I am talking about. Her face +changes colour, has now one, now another expression, and she is +breathing quite audibly--even the very buttons on her gown seem to +stare at me, like a row of frightened eyes.</p> + +<p>"Don't bother about him!" says her companion, taking her by the +arm. "He is drunk; can't you see that the man is drunk?"</p> + +<p>Strange as I was at this instant to myself, so absolutely a prey +to peculiar invisible inner influences, nothing occurred around me +without my observing it. A large, brown dog sprang right across the +street towards the shrubbery, and then down towards the Tivoli; he +had on a very narrow collar of German silver. Farther up the street +a window opened on the second floor, and a servant-maid leant out +of it, with her sleeves turned up, and began to clean the panes on +the outside. Nothing escaped my notice; I was clear-headed and +ready-witted. Everything rushed in upon me with a gleaming +distinctness, as if I were suddenly surrounded by a strong light. +The ladies before me had each a blue bird's wing in their hats, and +a plaid silk ribbon round their necks. It struck me that they were +sisters.</p> + +<p>They turned, stopped at Cisler's music-shop, and spoke together. +I stopped also. Thereupon they both came back, went the same road +as they had come, passed me again, and turned the corner of +University Street and up towards St. Olav's place. I was all the +time as close at their heels as I dared to be. They turned round +once, and sent me a half-fearful, half-questioning look, and I saw +no resentment nor any trace of a frown in it.</p> + +<p>This forbearance with my annoyance shamed me thoroughly and made +me lower my eyes. I would no longer be a trouble to them; out of +sheer gratitude I would follow them with my gaze, not lose sight of +them until they entered some place safely and disappeared.</p> + +<p>Outside No. 2, a large four-storeyed house, they turned again +before going in. I leant against a lamp-post near the fountain and +listened for their footsteps on the stairs. They died away on the +second floor. I advanced from the lamp-post and looked up at the +house. Then something odd happened. The curtains above were +stirred, and a second after a window opened, a head popped out, and +two singular-looking eyes dwelt on me. "Ylajali!" I muttered, +half-aloud, and I felt I grew red.</p> + +<p>Why does she not call for help, or push over one of these +flower-pots and strike me on the head, or send some one down to +drive me away? We stand and look into one another's eyes without +moving; it lasts a minute. Thoughts dart between the window and the +street, and not a word is spoken. She turns round, I feel a wrench +in me, a delicate shock through my senses; I see a shoulder that +turns, a back that disappears across the floor. That reluctant +turning from the window, the accentuation in that movement of the +shoulders was like a nod to me. My blood was sensible of all the +delicate, dainty greeting, and I felt all at once rarely glad. Then +I wheeled round and went down the street.</p> + +<p>I dared not look back, and knew not if she had returned to the +window. The more I considered this question the more nervous and +restless I became. Probably at this very moment she was standing +watching closely all my movements. It is by no means comfortable to +know that you are being watched from behind your back. I pulled +myself together as well as I could and proceeded on my way; my legs +began to jerk under me, my gait became unsteady just because I +purposely tried to make it look well. In order to appear at ease +and indifferent, I flung my arms about, spat out, and threw my head +well back--all without avail, for I continually felt the pursuing +eyes on my neck, and a cold shiver ran down my back. At length I +escaped down a side street, from which I took the road to Pyle +Street to get my pencil.</p> + +<p>I had no difficulty in recovering it; the man brought me the +waistcoat himself, and as he did so, begged me to search through +all the pockets. I found also a couple of pawn-tickets which I +pocketed as I thanked the obliging little man for his civility. I +was more and more taken with him, and grew all of a sudden +extremely anxious to make a favourable impression on this person. I +took a turn towards the door and then back again to the counter as +if I had forgotten something. It struck me that I owed him an +explanation, that I ought to elucidate matters a little. I began to +hum in order to attract his attention. Then, taking the pencil in +my hand, I held it up and said:</p> + +<p>"It would never have entered my head to come such a long way for +any and every bit of pencil, but with this one it was quite a +different matter; there Was another reason, a special reason. +Insignificant as it looked, this stump of pencil had simply made me +what I was in the world, so to say, placed me in life." I said no +more. The man had come right over to the counter.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said he, and he looked inquiringly at me.</p> + +<p>"It was with this pencil," I continued, in cold blood, "that I +wrote my dissertation on 'Philosophical Cognition,' in three +volumes." Had he never heard mention of it?</p> + +<p>Well, he did seem to remember having heard the name, rather the +title.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I, "that was by me, so it was." So he must really +not be astonished that I should be desirous of having the little +bit of pencil back again. I valued it far too highly to lose it; +why, it was almost as much to me as a little human creature. For +the rest I was honestly grateful to him for his civility, and I +would bear him in mind for it. Yes, truly, I really would. A +promise was a promise; that was the sort of man I was, and he +really deserved it. "Good-bye!" I walked to the door with the +bearing of one who had it in his power to place a man in a high +position, say in the fire-office. The honest pawnbroker bowed twice +profoundly to me as I withdrew. I turned again and repeated my +good-bye.</p> + +<p>On the stairs I met a woman with a travelling-bag in her hand, +who squeezed diffidently against the wall to make room for me, and +I voluntarily thrust my hand in my pocket for something to give +her, and looked foolish as I found nothing and passed on with my +head down. I heard her knock at the office door; there was an alarm +over it, and I recognized the jingling sound it gave when any one +rapped on the door with his knuckles.</p> + +<p>The sun stood in the south; it was about twelve. The whole town +began to get on its legs as it approached the fashionable hour for +promenading. Bowing and laughing folk walked up and down Carl +Johann Street. I stuck my elbows closely to my sides, tried to make +myself look small, and slipped unperceived past some acquaintances +who had taken up their stand at the corner of University Street to +gaze at the passers-by. I wandered up Castle Hill and fell into a +reverie.</p> + +<p>How gaily and lightly these people I met carried their radiant +heads, and swung themselves through life as through a ball-room! +There was no sorrow in a single look I met, no burden on any +shoulder, perhaps not even a clouded thought, not a little hidden +pain in any of the happy souls. And I, walking in the very midst of +these people, young and newly-fledged as I was, had already +forgotten the very look of happiness. I hugged these thoughts to +myself as I went on, and found that a great injustice had been done +me. Why had the last months pressed so strangely hard on me? I +failed to recognize my own happy temperament, and I met with the +most singular annoyances from all quarters. I could not sit down on +a bench by myself or set my foot any place without being assailed +by insignificant accidents, miserable details, that forced their +way into my imagination and scattered my powers to all the four +winds. A dog that dashed by me, a yellow rose in a man's +buttonhole, had the power to set my thoughts vibrating and occupy +me for a length of time.</p> + +<hr> +<p>What was it that ailed me? Was the hand of the Lord turned +against me? But why just against me? Why, for that matter, not just +as well against a man in South America? When I considered the +matter over, it grew more and more incomprehensible to me that I of +all others should be selected as an experiment for a Creator's +whims. It was, to say the least of it, a peculiar mode of procedure +to pass over a whole world of other humans in order to reach me. +Why not select just as well Bookseller Pascha, or Hennechen the +steam agent?</p> + +<p>As I went my way I sifted this thing, and could not get quit of +it. I found the most weighty arguments against the Creator's +arbitrariness in letting me pay for all the others' sins. Even +after I had found a seat and sat down, the query persisted in +occupying me, and prevented me from thinking of aught else. From +the day in May when my ill-luck began I could so clearly notice my +gradually increasing debility; I had become, as it were, too +languid to control or lead myself whither I would go. A swarm of +tiny noxious animals had bored a way into my inner man and hollowed +me out.</p> + +<p>Supposing God Almighty simply intended to annihilate me? I got +up and paced backwards and forwards before the seat.</p> + +<p>My whole being was at this moment in the highest degree of +torture, I had pains in my arms, and could hardly bear to hold them +in the usual way. I experienced also great discomfort from my last +full meal; I was oversated, and walked backwards and forwards +without looking up. The people who came and went around me glided +past me like faint gleams. At last my seat was taken up by two men, +who lit cigars and began to talk loudly together. I got angry and +was on the point of addressing them, but turned on my heel and went +right to the other end of the Park, and found another seat. I sat +down.</p> + +<hr> +<p>The thought of God began to occupy me. It seemed to me in the +highest degree indefensible of Him to interfere every time I sought +for a place, and to upset the whole thing, while all the time I was +but imploring enough for a daily meal.</p> + +<p>I had remarked so plainly that, whenever I had been hungry for +any length of time, it was just as if my brains ran quite gently +out of my head and left me with a vacuum--my head grew light and +far off, I no longer felt its weight on my shoulders, and I had a +consciousness that my eyes stared far too widely open when I looked +at anything.</p> + +<p>I sat there on the seat and pondered over all this, and grew +more and more bitter against God for His prolonged inflictions. If +He meant to draw me nearer to Him, and make me better by exhausting +me and placing obstacle after obstacle in my way, I could assure +Him He made a slight mistake. And, almost crying with defiance, I +looked up towards Heaven and told Him so mentally, once and for +all.</p> + +<p>Fragments of the teachings of my childhood ran through my +memory. The rhythmical sound of Biblical language sang in my ears, +and I talked quite softly to myself, and held my head sneeringly +askew. Wherefore should I sorrow for what I eat, for what I drink, +or for what I may array this miserable food for worms called my +earthy body? Hath not my Heavenly Father provided for me, even as +for the sparrow on the housetop, and hath He not in His +graciousness pointed towards His lowly servitor? The Lord stuck His +finger in the net of my nerves gently--yea, verily, in desultory +fashion--and brought slight disorder among the threads. And then +the Lord withdrew His finger, and there were fibres and delicate +root-like filaments adhering to the finger, and they were the +nerve-threads of the filaments. And there was a gaping hole after +the finger, which was God's finger, and a wound in my brain in the +track of His finger. But when God had touched me with His finger, +He let me be, and touched me no more, and let no evil befall me; +but let me depart in peace, and let me depart with the gaping hole. +And no evil hath befallen me from the God who is the Lord God of +all Eternity.</p> + +<p>The sound of music was borne up on the wind to me from the +Students' Allée. It was therefore past two o'clock. I took out my +writing materials to try to write something, and at the same time +my book of shaving-tickets <a name="fnr1"></a> <a href="#fn1" +class="fnsuper">1</a> fell out of my pocket. I opened it, and +counted the tickets; there were six. "The Lord be praised," I +exclaimed involuntarily; "I can still get shaved for a couple of +weeks, and look a little decent"; and I immediately fell into a +better frame of mind on account of this little property which still +remained to me. I smoothed the leaves out carefully, and put the +book safely into my pocket.</p> + +<p>But write I could not. After a few lines nothing seemed to occur +to me; my thought ran in other directions, and I could not pull +myself together enough for any special exertion.</p> + +<p>Everything influenced and distracted me; everything I saw made a +fresh impression on me. Flies and tiny mosquitoes stick fast to the +paper and disturb me. I blow at them to get rid of them--blow +harder and harder; to no purpose, the little pests throw themselves +on their backs, make themselves heavy, and fight against me until +their slender legs bend. They are not to be moved from the spot; +they find something to hook on to, set their heels against a comma +or an unevenness in the paper, or stand immovably still until they +themselves think fit to go their way.</p> + +<p>These insects continued to busy me for a long time, and I +crossed my legs to observe them at leisure. All at once a couple of +high clarionet notes waved up to me from the bandstand, and gave my +thoughts a new impulse.</p> + +<p>Despondent at not being able to put my article together, I +replaced the paper in my pocket, and leant back in the seat. At +this instant my head is so clear that I can follow the most +delicate train of thought without tiring. As I lie in this +position, and let my eyes glide down my breast and along my legs, I +notice the jerking movement my foot makes each time my pulse beats. +I half rise and look down at my feet, and I experience at this +moment a fantastic and singular feeling that I have never felt +before--a delicate, wonderful shock through my nerves, as if sparks +of cold light quivered through them--it was as if catching sight of +my shoes I had met with a kind old acquaintance, or got back a part +of myself that had been riven loose. A feeling of recognition +trembles through my senses; the tears well up in my eyes, and I +have a feeling as if my shoes are a soft, murmuring strain rising +towards me. "Weakness!" I cried harshly to myself, and I clenched +my fists and I repeated "Weakness!" I laughed at myself, for this +ridiculous feeling, made fun of myself, with a perfect +consciousness of doing so, talked very severely and sensibly, and +closed my eyes very tightly to get rid of the tears.</p> + +<p>As if I had never seen my shoes before, I set myself to study +their looks, their characteristics, and, when I stir my foot, their +shape and their worn uppers. I discover that their creases and +white seams give them expression--impart a physiognomy to them. +Something of my own nature had gone over into these shoes; they +affected me, like a ghost of my other I-- a breathing portion of my +very self.</p> + +<p>I sat and toyed with these fancies a long time, perhaps an +entire hour. A little, old man came and took the other end of the +seat; as he seated himself he panted after his walk, and +muttered:</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay; very true!"</p> + +<p>As soon as I heard his voice, I felt as if a wind had swept +through my head. I let shoes be shoes, and it seemed to me that the +distracted phase of mind I had just experienced dated from a +long-vanished period, maybe a year or two back, and was about to be +quietly effaced from my memory. I began to observe the old +fellow.</p> + +<p>Did this little man concern me in any way? Not in the least, not +in the very slightest degree! Only that he held a newspaper in his +hand, an old number (with the advertisement sheet on the outside), +in which something or other seemed to be rolled up; my curiosity +was aroused, and I could not take my eyes away from this paper. The +insane idea entered my head that it might be a quite peculiar +newspaper--unique of its kind. My curiosity increased, and I began +to move backwards and forwards on the seat. It might contain deeds, +dangerous documents stolen from some archive or other; something +floated before me about a secret treaty--a conspiracy.</p> + +<p>The man sat quietly, and pondered. Why did he not carry his +newspaper as every other person carries a paper, with its name out? +What species of cunning lurked under that? He did not seem either +to like letting his package out of his hands, not for anything in +the world; perhaps he did not even dare trust it into his own +pocket. I could stake my life there was something at the bottom of +that package--I considered a bit. Just the fact of finding it so +impossible to penetrate this mysterious affair distracted me with +curiosity. I searched my pockets for something to offer the man in +order to enter into conversation with him, took hold of my +shaving-book, but put it back again. Suddenly it entered my head to +be utterly audacious; I slapped my empty breast-pocket, and +said:</p> + +<p>"May I offer you a cigarette?"</p> + +<p>"Thank you!" The man did not smoke; he had to give it up to +spare his eyes; he was nearly blind. Thank you very much all the +same. Was it long since his eyes got bad? In that case, perhaps, he +could not read either, not even a paper?</p> + +<p>No, not even the newspaper, more's the pity. The man looked at +me; his weak eyes were each covered with a film which gave them a +glassy appearance; his gaze grew bleary, and made a disgusting +impression on me.</p> + +<p>"You are a stranger here?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Yes." Could he not even read the name of the paper he held in +his hand?</p> + +<p>"Barely." For that matter, he could hear directly that I was a +stranger. There was something in my accent which told him. It did +not need much; he could hear so well. At night, when every one +slept, he could hear people in the next room breathing....</p> + +<p>"What I was going to say was, 'where do you live?'"</p> + +<p>On the spur of the moment a lie stood, ready-made, in my head. I +lied involuntarily, without any object, without any <em>arrière +pensée</em>, and I answered--</p> + +<p>"St. Olav's Place, No. 2."</p> + +<p>"Really?" He knew every stone in St. Olav's Place. There was a +fountain, some lamp-posts, a few trees; he remembered all of it. +"What number do you live in?"</p> + +<p>Desirous to put an end to this, I got up. But my notion about +the newspaper had driven me to my wit's end; I resolved to clear +the thing up, at no matter what cost.</p> + +<p>"When you cannot read the paper, why--"</p> + +<p>"In No. 2, I think you said," continued the man, without +noticing my disturbance. "There was a time I knew every person in +No. 2; what is your landlord's name?"</p> + +<p>I quickly found a name to get rid of him; invented one on the +spur of the moment, and blurted it out to stop my tormentor.</p> + +<p>"Happolati!" said I.</p> + +<p>"Happolati, ay!" nodded the man; and he never missed a syllable +of this difficult name.</p> + +<p>I looked at him with amazement; there he sat, gravely, with a +considering air. Before I had well given utterance to the stupid +name which jumped into my head the man had accommodated himself to +it, and pretended to have heard it before.</p> + +<p>In the meantime, he had laid his package on the seat, and I felt +my curiosity quiver through my nerves. I noticed there were a few +grease spots on the paper.</p> + +<p>"Isn't he a sea-faring man, your landlord?" queried he, and +there was not a trace of suppressed irony in his voice; "I seem to +remember he was."</p> + +<p>"Sea-faring man? Excuse me, it must be the brother you know; +this man is namely J. A. Happolati, the agent."</p> + +<p>I thought this would finish him; but he willingly fell in with +everything I said. If I had found a name like Barrabas Rosebud it +would not have roused his suspicions.</p> + +<p>"He is an able man, I have heard?" he said, feeling his way.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a clever fellow!" answered I; "a thorough business head; +agent for every possible thing going. Cranberries from China; +feathers and down from Russia; hides, pulp, writing-ink--"</p> + +<p>"He, he! the devil he is?" interrupted the old chap, highly +excited.</p> + +<p>This began to get interesting. The situation ran away with me, +and one lie after another engendered in my head. I sat down again, +forgot the newspaper, and the remarkable documents, grew lively, +and cut short the old fellow's talk.</p> + +<p>The little goblin's unsuspecting simplicity made me foolhardy; I +would stuff him recklessly full of lies; rout him out o' field +grandly, and stop his mouth from sheer amazement.</p> + +<p>Had he heard of the electric psalm-book that Happolati had +invented?</p> + +<p>"What? Elec--"</p> + +<p>"With electric letters that could give light in the dark! a +perfectly extraordinary enterprise. A million crowns to be put in +circulation; foundries and printing-presses at work, and shoals of +regular mechanics to be employed; I had heard as many as seven +hundred men."</p> + +<p>"Ay, isn't it just what I say?" drawled out the man calmly.</p> + +<p>He said no more, he believed every word I related, and for all +that, he was not taken aback. This disappointed me a little; I had +expected to see him utterly bewildered by my inventions.</p> + +<p>I searched my brain for a couple of desperate lies, went the +whole hog, hinted that Happolati had been Minister of State for +nine years in Persia. "You perhaps have no conception of what it +means to be Minister of State in Persia?" I asked. It was more than +king here, or about the same as Sultan, if he knew what that meant, +but Happolati had managed the whole thing, and was never at a loss. +And I related about his daughter Ylajali, a fairy, a princess, who +had three hundred slaves, and who reclined on a couch of yellow +roses. She was the loveliest creature I had ever seen; I had, may +the Lord strike me, never seen her match for looks in my life!</p> + +<p>"So--o; was she so lovely?" remarked the old fellow, with an +absent air, as he gazed at the ground.</p> + +<p>"Lovely? She was beauteous, she was sinfully fascinating. Eyes +like raw silk, arms of amber! Just one glance from her was as +seductive as a kiss; and when she called me, her voice darted like +a wine-ray right into my soul's phosphor. And why shouldn't she be +so beautiful?" Did he imagine she was a messenger or something in +the fire brigade? She was simply a Heaven's wonder, I could just +inform him, a fairy tale.</p> + +<p>"Yes, to be sure!" said he, not a little bewildered. His quiet +bored me; I was excited by the sound of my own voice and spoke in +utter seriousness; the stolen archives, treaties with some foreign +power or other, no longer occupied my thoughts; the little flat +bundle of paper lay on the seat between us, and I had no longer the +smallest desire to examine it or see what it contained. I was +entirely absorbed in stories of my own which floated in singular +visions across my mental eye. The blood flew to my head, and I +roared with laughter.</p> + +<p>At this moment the little man seemed about to go. He stretched +himself, and in order not to break off too abruptly, added: "He is +said to own much property, this Happolati?"</p> + +<p>How dared this bleary-eyed, disgusting old man toss about the +rare name I had invented as if it were a common name stuck up over +every huckster-shop in the town? He never stumbled over a letter or +forgot a syllable. The name had bitten fast in his brain and struck +root on the instant. I got annoyed; an inward exasperation surged +up in me against this creature whom nothing had the power to +disturb and nothing render suspicious.</p> + +<p>I therefore replied shortly, "I know nothing about that! I know +absolutely nothing whatever about that! Let me inform you once for +all that his name is Johann Arendt Happolati, if you go by his own +initials."</p> + +<p>"Johannn Arendt Happolati!" repeated the man, a little +astonished at my vehemence; and with that he grew silent.</p> + +<p>"You should see his wife!" I said, beside myself. "A fatter +creature ... Eh? what? Perhaps you don't even believe she is really +fat?"</p> + +<p>Well, indeed he did not see his way to deny that such a man +might perhaps have a rather stout wife. The old fellow answered +quite gently and meekly to each of my assertions, and sought for +words as if he feared to offend and perhaps make me furious.</p> + +<p>"Hell and fire, man! Do you imagine that I am sitting here +stuffing you chock-full of lies?" I roared furiously. "Perhaps you +don't even believe that a man of the name of Happolati exists! I +never saw your match for obstinacy and malice in any old man. What +the devil ails you? Perhaps, too, into the bargain, you have been +all this while thinking to yourself I am a poverty-stricken fellow, +sitting here in my Sunday-best without even a case full of +cigarettes in my pocket. Let me tell you such treatment as yours is +a thing I am not accustomed to, and I won't endure it, the Lord +strike me dead if I will--neither from you nor any one else, do you +know that?"</p> + +<p>The man had risen with his mouth agape; he stood tongue-tied and +listened to my outbreak until the end. Then he snatched his parcel +from off the seat and went, ay, nearly ran, down the patch, with +the short, tottering steps of an old man.</p> + +<p>I leant back and looked at the retreating figure that seemed to +shrink at each step as it passed away. I do not know from where the +impression came, but it appeared to me that I had never in my life +seen a more vile back than this one, and I did not regret that I +had abused the creature before he left me.</p> + +<p>The day began to decline, the sun sank, it commenced to rustle +lightly in the trees around, and the nursemaids who sat in groups +near the parallel bars made ready to wheel their perambulators +home. I was calmed and in good spirit. The excitement I had just +laboured under quieted down little by little, and I grew weaker, +more languid, and began to feel drowsy. Neither did the quantity of +bread I had eaten cause me any longer any particular distress. I +leant against the back of the seat in the best of humours, closed +my eyes, and got more and more sleepy. I dozed, and was just on the +point of falling asleep, when a park-keeper put his hand on my +shoulder and said:</p> + +<p>"You must not sit here and go to sleep!"</p> + +<p>"No?" I said, and sprang immediately up, my unfortunate position +rising all at once vividly before my eyes. I must do something; +find some way or another out of it. To look for situations had been +of no avail to me. Even the recommendations I showed had grown a +little old, and were written by people all too little known to be +of much use; besides that, constant refusals all through the summer +had somewhat disheartened me. At all events, my rent was due, and I +must raise the wind for that; the rest would have to wait a +little.</p> + +<p>Quite involuntarily I had got paper and pencil into my hand +again, and I sat and wrote mechanically the date, 1848, in each +corner. If only now one single effervescing thought would grip me +powerfully, and put words into my mouth. Why, I had known hours +when I could write a long piece, without the least exertion, and +turn it off capitally, too.</p> + +<p>I am sitting on the seat, and I write, scores of times, 1848. I +write this date criss-cross, in all possible fashions, and wait +until a workable idea shall occur to me. A swarm of loose thoughts +flutter about in my head. The feeling of declining day makes me +downcast, sentimental; autumn is here, and has already begun to +hush everything into sleep and torpor. The flies and insects have +received their first warning. Up in the trees and down in the +fields the sounds of struggling life can be heard rustling, +murmuring, restless; labouring not to perish. The down-trodden +existence of the whole insect world is astir for yet a little +while. They poke their yellow heads up from the turf, lift their +legs, feel their way with long feelers and then collapse suddenly, +roll over, and turn their bellies in the air.</p> + +<p>Every growing thing has received its peculiar impress: the +delicately blown breath of the first cold. The stubbles straggle +wanly sunwards, and the falling leaves rustle to the earth, with a +sound as of errant silkworms.</p> + +<p>It is the reign of Autumn, the height of the Carnival of Decay, +the roses have got inflammation in their blushes, an uncanny hectic +tinge, through their soft damask.</p> + +<p>I felt myself like a creeping thing on the verge of destruction, +gripped by ruin in the midst of a whole world ready for lethargic +sleep. I rose, oppressed by weird terrors, and took some furious +strides down the path. "No!" I cried out, clutching both my hands; +"there must be an end to this," and I reseated myself, grasped the +pencil, and set seriously to work at an article.</p> + +<p>There was no possible use in giving way, with the unpaid rent +staring me straight in the face.</p> + +<p>Slowly, quite slowly, my thoughts collected. I paid attention to +them, and wrote quietly and well; wrote a couple of pages as an +introduction. It would serve as a beginning to anything. A +description of travel, a political leader, just as I thought +fit--it was a perfectly splendid commencement for something or +anything. So I took to seeking for some particular subject to +handle, a person or a thing, that I might grapple with, and I could +find nothing. Along with this fruitless exertion, disorder began to +hold its sway again in my thoughts. I felt how my brain positively +snapped and my head emptied, until it sat at last, light, buoyant, +and void on my shoulders. I was conscious of the gaping vacuum in +my skull with every fibre of my being. I seemed to myself to be +hollowed out from top and toe.</p> + +<p>In my pain I cried: "Lord, my God and Father!" and repeated this +cry many times at a stretch, without adding one word more.</p> + +<p>The wind soughed through the trees; a storm was brewing. I sat a +while longer, and gazed at my paper, lost in thought, then folded +it up and put it slowly into my pocket. It got chilly; and I no +longer owned a waistcoat. I buttoned my coat right up to my throat +and thrust my hands in my pockets; thereupon I rose and went +on.</p> + +<p>If I had only succeeded this time, just this once. Twice my +landlady had asked me with her eyes for payment, and I was obliged +to hang my head and slink past her with a shamefaced air. I could +not do it again: the very next time I met those eyes I would give +warning and account for myself honestly. Well, any way, things +could not last long at this rate.</p> + +<p>On coming to the exit of the park I saw the old chap I had put +to flight. The mysterious new paper parcel lay opened on the seat +next him, filled with different sorts of victuals, of which he ate +as he sat. I immediately wanted to go over and ask pardon for my +conduct, but the sight of food repelled me. The decrepit fingers +looked like ten claws as they clutched loathsomely at the greasy +bread and butter; I felt qualmish, and passed by without addressing +him. He did not recognize me; his eyes stared at me, dry as horn, +and his face did not move a muscle.</p> + +<p>And so I went on my way.</p> + +<p>As customary, I halted before every newspaper placard I came to, +to read the announcements of situations vacant, and was lucky +enough to find one that I might try for.</p> + +<p>A grocer in Groenlandsleret wanted a man every week for a couple +of hours' book-keeping; remuneration according to agreement. I +noted my man's address, and prayed to God in silence for this +place. I would demand less than any one else for my work; sixpence +was ample, or perhaps fivepence. That would not matter in the +least.</p> + +<p>On going home, a slip of paper from my landlady lay on my table, +in which she begged me to pay my rent in advance, or else move as +soon as I could. I must not be offended, it was absolutely a +necessary request. Friendlily Mrs. Gundersen.</p> + +<p>I wrote an application to Christy the grocer, No. 13 +Groenlandsleret, put it in an envelope, and took it to the pillar +at the corner. Then I returned to my room and sat down in the +rocking-chair to think, whilst the darkness grew closer and closer. +Sitting up late began to be difficult now.</p> + +<p>I woke very early in the morning. It was still quite dark as I +opened my eyes, and it was not till long after that I heard five +strokes of the clock down-stairs. I turned round to doze again, but +sleep had down. I grew more and more wakeful, and lay and thought +of a thousand things.</p> + +<p>Suddenly a few good sentences fitted for a sketch or story +strike me, delicate linguistic hits of which I have never before +found the equal. I lie and repeat these words over to myself, and +find that they are capital. Little by little others come and fit +themselves to the preceding ones. I grow keenly wakeful. I get up +and snatch paper and pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as +if a vein had burst in me; one word follows another, and they fit +themselves together harmoniously with telling effect. Scene piles +on scene, actions and speeches bubble up in my brain, and a +wonderful sense of pleasure empowers me. I write as one possessed, +and fill page after page, without a moment's pause.</p> + +<p>Thoughts come so swiftly to me and continue to flow so richly +that I miss a number of telling bits, that I cannot set down +quickly enough, although I work with all my might. They continue to +invade me; I am full of my subject, and every word I write is +inspired.</p> + +<p>This strange period lasts--lasts such a blessedly long time +before it comes to an end. I have fifteen--twenty written pages +lying on my knees before me, when at last I cease and lay my pencil +aside, So sure as there is any worth in these pages, so sure am I +saved. I jump out of bed and dress myself, It grows lighter. I can +half distinguish the lighthouse director's announcement down near +the door, and near the window it is already so light that I could, +in case of necessity, see to write. I set to work immediately to +make a fair copy of what I have written.</p> + +<p>An intense, peculiar exhalation of light and colour emanates +from these fantasies of mine. I start with surprise as I note one +good thing after another, and tell myself that this is the best +thing I have ever read. My head swims with a sense of satisfaction; +delight inflates me; I grow grandiose.</p> + +<p>I weigh my writing in my hand, and value it, at a loose guess, +for five shillings on the spot.</p> + +<p>It could never enter any one's head to chaffer about five +shillings; on the contrary, getting it for half-a-sovereign might +be considered dirt- cheap, considering the quality of the +thing.</p> + +<p>I had no intention of turning off such special work gratis. As +far as I was aware, one did not pick up stories of that kind on the +wayside, and I decided on half-a-sovereign.</p> + +<p>The room brightened and brightened. I threw a glance towards the +door, and could distinguish without particular trouble the +skeleton-like letters of Miss Andersen's winding-sheet +advertisement to the right of it. It was also a good while since +the clock has struck seven.</p> + +<p>I rose and came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. +Everything well considered, Mrs. Gundersen's warning came rather +opportunely. This was, properly speaking, no fit room for me: there +were only common enough green curtains at the windows, and neither +were there any pegs too many on the wall. The poor little +rocking-chair over in the corner was in reality a mere attempt at a +rocking-chair; with the smallest sense of humour, one might easily +split one's sides with laughter at it. It was far too low for a +grown man, and besides that, one needed, so to speak, the aid of a +boot- jack to get out of it. To cut it short, the room was not +adopted for the pursuit of things intellectual, and I did not +intend to keep it any longer. On no account would I keep it. I had +held my peace, and endured and lived far too long in such a +den.</p> + +<p>Buoyed up by hope and satisfaction, constantly occupied with my +remarkable sketch, which I drew forth every moment from my pocket +and re-read, I determined to set seriously to work with my +flitting. I took out my bundle, a red handkerchief that contained a +few clean collars and some crumpled newspapers, in which I had +occasionally carried home bread. I rolled my blanket up and +pocketed my reserve white writing-paper. Then I ransacked every +corner to assure myself that I had left nothing behind, and as I +could not find anything, went over to the window and looked +out.</p> + +<p>The morning was gloomy and wet; there was no one about at the +burnt-out smithy, and the clothesline down in the yard stretched +tightly from wall to wall shrunken by the wet. It was all familiar +to me, so I stepped back from the window, took the blanket under my +arm, and made a low bow to the lighthouse director's announcement, +bowed again to Miss Andersen's winding-sheet advertisement, and +opened the door. Suddenly the thought of my land-lady struck me; +she really ought to be informed of my leaving, so that she could +see she had had an honest soul to deal with.</p> + +<p>I wanted also to thank her in writing for the few days' overtime +in which I occupied the room. The certainty that I was now saved +for some time to come increased so strongly in me that I even +promised her five shillings. I would call in some day when passing +by.</p> + +<p>Besides that, I wanted to prove to her what an upright sort of +person her roof had sheltered.</p> + +<p>I left the note behind me on the table.</p> + +<p>Once again I stopped at the door and turned round; the buoyant +feeling of having risen once again to the surface charmed me, and +made me feel grateful towards God and all creation, and I knelt +down at the bedside and thanked God aloud for His great goodness to +me that morning.</p> + +<p>I knew it; ah! I knew that the rapture of inspiration I had just +felt and noted down was a miraculous heaven-brew in my spirit in +answer to my yesterday's cry for aid.</p> + +<p>"It was God! It was God!" I cried to myself, and I wept for +enthusiasm over my own words; now and then I had to stop and listen +if any one was on the stairs. At last I rose up and prepared to go. +I stole noiselessly down each flight and reached the door +unseen.</p> + +<p>The streets were glistening from the rain which had fallen in +the early morning. The sky hung damp and heavy over the town, and +there was no glint of sunlight visible. I wondered what the day +would bring forth? I went as usual in the direction of the Town +Hall, and saw that it was half-past eight. I had yet a few hours to +walk about; there was no use in going to the newspaper office +before ten, perhaps eleven. I must lounge about so long, and think, +in the meantime, over some expedient to raise breakfast. For that +matter, I had no fear of going to bed hungry that day; those times +were over, God be praised! That was a thing of the past, an evil +dream. Henceforth, Excelsior!</p> + +<p>But, in the meanwhile, the green blanket was a trouble to me. +Neither could I well make myself conspicuous by carrying such a +thing about right under people's eyes. What would any one think of +me? And as I went on I tried to think of a place where I could have +it kept till later on. It occurred to me that I might go into +Semb's and get it wrapped up in paper; not only would it look +better, but I need no longer be ashamed of carrying it,</p> + +<p>I entered the shop, and stated my errand to one of the shop +boys.</p> + +<p>He looked first at the blanket, then at me. It struck me that he +shrugged his shoulders to himself a little contemptuously as he +took it; this annoyed me.</p> + +<p>"Young man," I cried, "do be a little careful! There are two +costly glass vases in that; the parcel has to go to Smyrna."</p> + +<p>This had a famous effect. The fellow apologized with every +movement he made for not having guessed that there was something +out of the common in this blanket. When he had finished packing it +up I thanked him with the air of a man who had sent precious goods +to Smyrna before now. He held the door open for me, and bowed twice +as I left.</p> + +<p>I began to wander about amongst the people in the market place, +kept from choice near the woman who had potted plants for sale. The +heavy crimson roses--the leaves of which glowed blood-like and +moist in the damp morning--made me envious, and tempted me sinfully +to snatch one, and I inquired the price of them merely as an excuse +to approach as near to them as possible.</p> + +<p>If I had any money over I would buy one, no matter how things +went; indeed, I might well save a little now and then out of my way +of living to balance things again.</p> + +<p>It was ten o'clock, and I went up to the newspaper office. +"Scissors" is running through a lot of old papers. The editor has +not come yet. On being asked my business, I delivered my weighty +manuscript, lead him to suppose that it is something of more than +uncommon importance, and impress upon his memory gravely that he is +to give it into we editor's own hands as soon as he arrives.</p> + +<p>I would myself call later on in the day for an answer.</p> + +<p>"All right," replied "Scissors," and busied himself again with +his papers.</p> + +<p>It seemed to me that he treated the matter somewhat too coolly; +but I said nothing, only nodded rather carelessly to him, and +left.</p> + +<p>I had now time on hand! If it would only clear up! It was +perfectly wretched weather, without either wind or freshness. +Ladies carried their umbrellas, to be on the safe side, and the +woollen caps of the men looked limp and depressing.</p> + +<p>I took another turn across the market and looked at the +vegetables and roses. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn +round--"Missy" bids me good morning! "Good-morning!" I say in +return, a little questioningly. I never cared particularly for +"Missy."</p> + +<p>He looks inquisitively at the large brand-new parcel under my +arm, and asks:</p> + +<p>"What have you got there?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I have been down to Semb and got some cloth for a suit," I +reply, in a careless tone. "I didn't think I could rub on any +longer; there's such a thing as treating oneself too shabbily."</p> + +<p>He looks at me with an amazed start.</p> + +<p>"By the way, how are you getting on?" He asks it slowly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, beyond all expectation!"</p> + +<p>"Then you have got something to do now?"</p> + +<p>"Something to do?" I answer and seem surprised. "Rather! Why, I +am book- keeper at Christensen's--a wholesale house."</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed!" he remarks and draws back a little.</p> + +<p>"Well, God knows I am the first to be pleased at your success. +If only you don't let people beg the money from you that you earn. +Good-day!"</p> + +<p>A second after he wheels round and comes back and, pointing with +his cane to my parcel, says:</p> + +<p>"I would recommend my tailor to you for the suit of clothes. You +won't find a better tailor than Isaksen--just say I sent you, +that's all!"</p> + +<p>This was really rather more than I could swallow. What did he +want to poke his nose in my affairs for? Was it any concern of his +which tailor I employed? The sight of this empty-headed dandified +"masher" embittered me, and I reminded him rather brutally of ten +shilling he had borrowed from me. But before he could reply I +regretted that I had asked for it. I got ashamed and avoided +meeting his eyes, and, as a lady came by just then, I stepped +hastily aside to let her pass, and seized the opportunity to +proceed on my way.</p> + +<p>What should I do with myself whilst I waited? I could not visit +a cafe with empty pockets, and I knew of no acquaintance that I +could call on at this time of day. I wended my way instinctively up +town, killed a good deal of time between the marketplace and the +Graendsen, read the <em>Aftenpost,</em> which was newly posted up +on the board outside the office, took a turn down Carl Johann, +wheeled round and went straight on to Our Saviour's Cemetery, where +I found a quiet seat on the slope near the Mortuary Chapel.</p> + +<p>I sat there in complete quietness, dozed in the damp air, mused, +half- slept and shivered.</p> + +<p>And time passed. Now, was it certain that the story really was a +little masterpiece of inspired art? God knows if it might not have +its faults here and there. All things well weighed, it was not +certain that it would be accepted; no, simply not even accepted. It +was perhaps mediocre enough in its way, perhaps downright +worthless. What security had I that it was not already at this +moment lying in the waste-paper basket?... My confidence was +shaken. I sprang up and stormed out of the graveyard.</p> + +<p>Down in Akersgaden I peeped into a shop window, and saw that it +was only a little past noon. There was no use in looking up the +editor before four. The fate of my story filled me with gloomy +forebodings; the more I thought about it the more absurd it seemed +to me that I could have written anything useable with such +suddenness, half-asleep, with my brain full of fever and dreams. Of +course I had deceived myself and been happy all through the long +morning for nothing!... Of course!... I rushed with hurried strides +up Ullavold-sveien, past St. Han's Hill, until I came to the open +fields; on through the narrow quaint lanes in Sagene, past waste +plots and small tilled fields, and found myself at last on a +country road, the end of which I could not see.</p> + +<p>Here I halted and decided to turn.</p> + +<p>I was warm from the walk, and returned slowly and very downcast. +I met two hay-carts. The drivers were lying flat upon the top of +their loads, and sang. Both were bare-headed, and both had round, +care-free faces. I passed them and thought to myself that they were +sure to accost me, sure to fling some taunt or other at me, play me +some trick; and as I got near enough, one of them called out and +asked what I had under my arm?</p> + +<p>"A blanket!"</p> + +<p>"What o'clock is it?" he asked then.</p> + +<p>"I don't know rightly; about three, I think!" Whereupon they +both laughed and drove on. I felt at the same moment the lash of a +whip curl round one of my ears, and my hat was jerked off. They +couldn't let me pass without playing me a trick. I raised my hand +to my head more or less confusedly, picked my hat out of the ditch, +and continued on my way. Down at St. Han's Hill I met a man who +told me it was past four. Past four! already past four! I mended my +pace, nearly ran down to the town, turned off towards the news +office. Perhaps the editor had been there hours ago, and had left +the office by now. I ran, jostled against folk, stumbled, knocked +against cars, left everybody behind me, competed with the very +horses, struggled like a madman to arrive there in time. I wrenched +through the door, took the stairs in four bounds, and knocked.</p> + +<p>No answer.</p> + +<p>"He has left, he has left," I think. I try the door which is +open, knock once again, and enter. The editor is sitting at his +table, his face towards the window, pen in hand, about to write. +When he hears my breathless greeting he turns half round, steals a +quick look at me, shakes his head, and says:</p> + +<p>"Oh, I haven't found time to read your sketch yet."</p> + +<p>I am so delighted, because in that case he has not rejected it, +that I answer:</p> + +<p>"Oh, pray, sir, don't mention it. I quite understand--there is +no hurry; in a few days, perhaps--"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I shall see; besides, I have your address."</p> + +<p>I forgot to inform him that I no longer had an address, and the +interview is over. I bow myself out, and leave. Hope flames up +again in me; as yet, nothing is lost--on the contrary, I might, for +that matter, yet win all. And my brain began to spin a romance +about a great council in Heaven, in which it had just been resolved +that I should win--ay, triumphantly win ten shillings for a +story.</p> + +<p>If I only had some place in which to take refuge for the night! +I consider where I can stow myself away, and am so absorbed in this +query that I come to a standstill in the middle of the street. I +forget where I am, and pose like a solitary beacon on a rock in +mid-sea, whilst the tides rush and roar about it.</p> + +<p>A newspaper boy offers me <em>The Viking</em>.</p> + +<p>"It's real good value, sir!"</p> + +<p>I look up and start; I am outside Semb's shop again. I quickly +turn to the right-about, holding the parcel in front of me, and +hurry down Kirkegaden, ashamed and afraid that any one might have +seen me from the window. I pass by Ingebret's and the theatre, turn +round by the box-office, and go towards the sea, near the fortress. +I find a seat once more, and begin to consider afresh.</p> + +<p>Where in the world shall I find a shelter for the night?</p> + +<p>Was there a hole to be found where I could creep in and hide +myself till morning? My pride forbade my returning to my +lodging--besides, it could never really occur to me to go back on +my word; I rejected this thought with great scorn, and I smiled +superciliously as I thought of the little red rocking-chair. By +some association of ideas, I find myself suddenly transported to a +large, double room I once occupied in Haegdehaugen. I could see a +tray on the table, filled with great slices of bread-and- butter. +The vision changed; it was transformed into beef--a seductive piece +of beef--a snow-white napkin, bread in plenty, a silver fork. The +door opened; enter my landlady, offering me more tea....</p> + +<p>Visions; senseless dreams! I tell myself that were I to get food +now my head would become dizzy once more, fever would fill my +brain, and I would have to fight again against many mad fancies. I +could not stomach food, my inclination did not lie that way; that +was peculiar to me--an idiosyncrasy of mine.</p> + +<p>Maybe as night drew on a way could be found to procure shelter. +There was no hurry; at the worst, I could seek a place out in the +woods. I had the entire environs of the city at my disposal; as +yet, there was no degree of cold worth speaking of in the +weather.</p> + +<p>And outside there the sea rocked in drowsy rest; ships and +clumsy, broad- nosed prams ploughed graves in its bluish surface, +and scattered rays to the right and left, and glided on, whilst the +smoke rolled up in downy masses from the chimney-stacks, and the +stroke of the engine pistons pierced the clammy air with a dull +sound. There was no sun and no wind; the trees behind me were +almost wet, and the seat upon which I sat was cold and damp.</p> + +<p>Time went. I settled down to doze, waxed tired, and a little +shiver ran down my back. A while after I felt that my eyelids began +to droop, and I let them droop....</p> + +<p>When I awoke it was dark all around me. I started up, bewildered +and freezing. I seized my parcel and commenced to walk. I went +faster and faster in order to get warm, slapped my arms, chafed my +legs--which by now I could hardly feel under me--and thus reached +the watch-house of the fire brigade. It was nine o'clock; I had +been asleep for several hours.</p> + +<p>Whatever shall I do with myself? I must go to some place. I +stand there and stare up at the watch-house, and query if it would +not be possible to succeed in getting into one of the passages if I +were to watch for a moment when the watchman's back was turned. I +ascend the steps, and prepare to open a conversation with the man. +He lifts his ax in salute, and waits for what I may have to say. +The uplifted ax, with its edge turned against me, darts like a cold +slash through my nerves. I stand dumb with terror before this armed +man, and draw involuntarily back. I say nothing, only glide farther +and farther away from him. To save appearances I draw my hand over +my forehead, as if I had forgotten something or other, and slink +away. When I reached the pavement I felt as much saved as if I had +just escaped a great peril, and I hurried away.</p> + +<p>Cold and famished, more and more miserable in spirit, I flew up +Carl Johann. I began to swear out aloud, troubling myself not a +whit as to whether any one heard me or not. Arrived at Parliament +House, just near the first trees, I suddenly, by some association +of ideas, bethought myself of a young artist I knew, a stripling I +had once saved from an assault in the Tivoli, and upon whom I had +called later on. I snap my fingers gleefully, and wend my way to +Tordenskjiolds Street, find the door, on which is fastened a card +with C. Zacharias Bartel on it, and knock.</p> + +<p>He came out himself, and smelt so fearfully of ale and tobacco +that it was horrible.</p> + +<p>"Good-evening!" I say.</p> + +<p>"Good-evening! is that you? Now, why the deuce do you come so +late? It doesn't look at all its best by lamplight. I have added a +hayrick to it since, and have made a few other alterations. You +must see it by daylight; there is no use our trying to see it +now!"</p> + +<p>"Let me have a look at it now, all the same," said I; though, +for that matter, I did not in the least remember what picture he +was talking about.</p> + +<p>"Absolutely impossible," he replied; "the whole thing will look +yellow; and, besides, there's another thing"--and he came towards +me, whispering: "I have a little girl inside this evening, so it's +clearly impracticable."</p> + +<p>"Oh, in that case, of course there's no question about it."</p> + +<p>I drew back, said good-night, and went away.</p> + +<p>So there was no way out of it but to seek some place out in the +woods. If only the fields were not so damp. I patted my blanket, +and felt more and more at home at the thought of sleeping out. I +had worried myself so long trying to find a shelter in town that I +was wearied and bored with the whole affair. It would be a positive +pleasure to get to rest, to resign myself; so I loaf down the +street without thought in my head. At a place in Haegdehaugen I +halted outside a provision shop where some food was displayed in +the window. A cat lay there and slept beside a round French roll. +There was a basin of lard and several basins of meal in the +background. I stood a while and gazed at these eatables; but as I +had no money wherewith to buy, I turned quickly away and continued +my tramp. I went very slowly, passed by Majorstuen, went on, always +on--it seemed to me for hours,--and came at length at Bogstad's +wood.</p> + +<p>I turned off the road here, and sat down to rest. Then I began +to look about for a place to suit me, to gather together heather +and juniper leaves, and make up a bed on a little declivity where +it was a bit dry. I opened the parcel and took out the blanket; I +was tired and exhausted with the long walk, and lay down at once. I +turned and twisted many times before I could get settled. My ear +pained me a little--it was slightly swollen from the whip-lash--and +I could not lie on it. I pulled off my shoes and put them under my +head, with the paper from Semb on top.</p> + +<p>And the great spirit of darkness spread a shroud over me ... +everything was silent--everything. But up in the heights soughed +the everlasting song, the voice of the air, the distant, toneless +humming which is never silent. I listened so long to this ceaseless +faint murmur that it began to bewilder me; it was surely a symphony +from the rolling spheres above. Stars that intone a song....</p> + +<p class="poetry">"I am damned if it is, though," I exclaimed; and +I laughed aloud to collect my wits. "They're night-owls hooting in +Canaan!"</p> + +<p class="poetry">I rose again, pulled on my shoes, and wandered +about in the gloom, only to lay down once more. I fought and +wrestled with anger and fear until nearly dawn, then fell asleep at +last.</p> + +<hr> +<p>It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes, and I had a feeling +that it was going on towards noon.</p> + +<p>I pulled on my shoes, packed up the blanket again, and set out +for town. There was no sun to be seen today either; I shivered like +a dog, my feet were benumbed, and water commenced to run from my +eyes, as if they could not bear the daylight.</p> + +<p>It was three o'clock. Hunger began to assail me downright in +earnest. I was faint, and now and again I had to retch furtively. I +swung round by the Dampkökken, <a name="fnr2"></a> <a href="#fn2" +class="fnsuper">2</a> read the bill of fare, and shrugged my +shoulders in a way to attract attention, as if corned beef or salt +port was not meet food for me. After that I went towards the +railway station.</p> + +<p>A singular sense of confusion suddenly darted through my head. I +stumbled on, determined not to heed it; but I grew worse and worse, +and was forced at last to sit down on a step. My whole being +underwent a change, as if something had slid aside in my inner +self, or as if a curtain or tissue of my brain was rent in two.</p> + +<p>I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a +little, and, as an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once +and got up and bowed.</p> + +<p>What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being +added to the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden +fields, or did it arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? +Looking the whole thing squarely in the face, there was no meaning +in living on in this manner, by Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. +I failed to see either how I had made myself deserving of this +special persecution; and it suddenly entered my head that I might +just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's" with the +blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full meals, +and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis +true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to +the pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head +irresolutely, then turned back. The farther away I got the more +gladsome, ay, delighted I became, that I had conquered this strong +temptation. The consciousness that I was yet pure and honourable +rose to my head, filled me with a splendid sense of having +principle, character, of being a shining white beacon in a muddy, +human sea amidst floating wreck.</p> + +<p>Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and +drink one's self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first +little scar, set the first black mark against one's honour, call +one's self a blackguard to one's own face, and needs must cast +one's eyes down before one's self? Never! never! It could never +have been my serious intention--it had really never seriously taken +hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for every loose, +fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a headache as I +had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that belonged to +another fellow.</p> + +<p>There would surely be some way or another of getting help when +the right time came! Now, there was the grocer in Groenlandsleret. +Had I importuned him every hour in the day since I sent in my +application? Had I rung the bell early and late, and been turned +away? Why, I had not even applied personally to him or sought an +answer! It did not follow, surely, that it must needs be an +absolutely vain attempt.</p> + +<p>Maybe I had luck with me this time. Luck often took such a +devious course, and I started for Groenlandsleret.</p> + +<p>The last spasm that had darted through my head had exhausted me +a little, and I walked very slowly and thought over what I would +say to him.</p> + +<p>Perhaps he was a good soul; if the whim seized him he might pay +me for my work a shilling in advance, even without my asking for +it. People of that sort had sometimes the most capital ideas.</p> + +<p>I stole into a doorway and blackened the knees of my trousers +with spittle to try and make them look a little respectable, left +the parcel behind me in a dark corner at the back of a chest, and +entered the little shop.</p> + +<p>A man is standing pasting together bags made of old +newspaper.</p> + +<p>"I would like to see Mr. Christie," I said.</p> + +<p>"That's me!" replied the man.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" Well, my name was so-and-so. I had taken the liberty +of sending him an application, I did not know if it had been of any +use.</p> + +<p>He repeated my name a couple of times and commenced to +laugh.</p> + +<p>"Well now, you shall see," he said, taking my letter out of his +breast- pocket, "if you will just be good enough to see how you +deal with dates, sir. You dated your letter 1848," and the man +roared with laughter.</p> + +<p>"Yes, that was rather a mistake," I said, abashed--a +distraction, a want of thought; I admitted it.</p> + +<p>"You see I must have a man who, as a matter of fact, makes no +mistakes in figures," said he. "I regret it, your handwriting is +clear, and I like your letter, too, but--"</p> + +<p>I waited a while; this could not possibly be the man's final +say. He busied himself again with the bags.</p> + +<p>"Yes, it was a pity," I said; "really an awful pity, but of +course it would not occur again; and, after all, surely this little +error could not have rendered me quite unfit to keep books?"</p> + +<p>"No, I didn't say that," he answered, "but in the meantime it +had so much weight with me that I decided at once upon another +man."</p> + +<p>"So the place is filled?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"A--h, well, then there's nothing more to be said about it!"</p> + +<p>"No! I'm sorry, but--"</p> + +<p>"Good-evening!" said I.</p> + +<p>Fury welled up in me, blazing with brutal strength. I fetched my +parcel from the entry, set my teeth together, jostled against the +peaceful folk on the footpath, and never once asked their +pardon.</p> + +<p>As one man stopped and set me to rights rather sharply for my +behaviour, I turned round and screamed a single meaningless word in +his ear, clenched my fist right under his nose, and stumbled on, +hardened by a blind rage that I could not control.</p> + +<p>He called a policeman, and I desired nothing better than to have +one between my hands just for one moment. I slackened my pace +intentionally in order to give him an opportunity of overtaking me; +but he did not come. Was there now any reason whatever that +absolutely every one of one's most earnest and most persevering +efforts should fail? Why, too, had I written 1828? In what way did +that infernal date concern me? Here I was going about starving, so +that my entrails wriggle together in me like worms, and it was, as +far as I knew, not decreed in the book of fate that anything in the +shape of food would turn up later on in the day.</p> + +<p>I was becoming mentally and physically more and more prostrate; +I was letting myself down each day to less and less honest actions, +so that I lied on each day without blushing, cheated poor people +out of their rent, struggled with the meanest thoughts of making +away with other men's blankets--all without remorse or prick of +conscience.</p> + +<p>Foul places began to gather in my inner being, black spores +which spread more and more. And up in Heaven God Almighty sat and +kept a watchful eye on me, and took heed that <em>my</em> +destruction proceeded in accordance with all the rules of art, +uniformly and gradually, without a break in the measure.</p> + +<p>But in the abysses of hell the angriest devils bristled with +range because it lasted such a long time until I committed a mortal +sin, an unpardonable offence for which God in His justice must cast +me--down....</p> + +<p>I quickened my pace, hurried faster and faster, turned suddenly +to the left and found myself, excited and angry, in a light ornate +doorway. I did not pause, not for one second, but the whole +peculiar ornamentation of the entrance struck on my perception in a +flash; every detail of the decoration and the tiling of the floor +stood clear on my mental vision as I sprang up the stairs. I rang +violently on the second floor. Why should I stop exactly on the +second floor? And why just seize hold of this bell which was some +little way from the stairs?</p> + +<p>A young lady in a grey gown with black trimming came out and +opened the door. She looked for a moment in astonishment at me, +then shook her head and said:</p> + +<p>"No, we have not got anything today," and she made a feint to +close the door.</p> + +<p>What induced me to thrust myself in this creature's way? She +took me without further ado for a beggar.</p> + +<p>I got cool and collected at once. I raised my hat, made a +respectful bow, and, as if I had not caught her words, said, with +the utmost politeness:</p> + +<p>"I hope you will excuse me, madam, for ringing so hard, the bell +was new to me. Is it not here that an invalid gentleman lives who +has advertised for a man to wheel him about in a chair?"</p> + +<p>She stood awhile and digested this mendacious invention and +seemed to be irresolute in her summing up of my person.</p> + +<p>"No!" she said at length; "no, there is no invalid gentleman +living here."</p> + +<p>"Not really? An elderly gentleman--two hours a day--sixpence an +hour?"</p> + +<p>"No!"</p> + +<p>"Ah! in that case, I again ask pardon," said I. "It is perhaps +on the first floor. I only wanted, in any case, to recommend a man +I know, in whom I am interested; my name is Wedel-Jarlsberg," <a +name="fnr3"></a> <a href="#fn3" class="fnsuper">3</a> and I bowed +again and drew back. The young lady blushed crimson, and in her +embarrassment could not stir from the spot, but stood and stared +after me as I descended the stairs.</p> + +<p>My calm had returned to me, and my head was clear. The lady's +saying that she had nothing for me today had acted upon me like an +icy shower. So it had gone so far with me that any one might point +at me, and say to himself, "There goes a beggar--one of those +people who get their food handed out to them at folk's +back-doors!"</p> + +<p>I halted outside an eating-house in Möller Street, and sniffed +the fresh smell of meat roasting inside; my hand was already upon +the door-handle, and I was on the point of entering without any +fixed purpose, when I bethought myself in time, and left the spot. +On reaching the market, and seeking for a place to rest for a +little, I found all the benches occupied, and I sought in vain all +round outside the church for a quiet seat, where I could sit +down.</p> + +<p>Naturally, I told myself, gloomily--naturally, naturally; and I +commenced to walk again. I took a turn round the fountain at the +corner of the bazaar, and swallowed a mouthful of water. On again, +dragging one foot after the other; stopped for a long time before +each shop window; halted, and watched every vehicle that drove by. +I felt a scorching heat in my head, and something pulsated +strangely in my temples. The water I had drunk disagreed with me +fearfully, and I retched, stopping here and there to escape being +noticed in the open street. In this manner I came up to Our +Saviour's Cemetery.</p> + +<p>I sat down here, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my +hands. In this cramped position I was more at ease, and I no longer +felt the little gnawing in my chest.</p> + +<p>A stone-cutter lay on his stomach on a large slab of granite, at +the side of me, and cut inscriptions. He had blue spectacles on, +and reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, whom I had almost +forgotten.</p> + +<p>If I could only knock all shame on the head and apply to him. +Tell him the truth right out, that things were getting awfully +tight with me now; ay, that I found it hard enough to keep alive. I +could give him my shaving- tickets.</p> + +<p>Zounds! my shaving-tickets; tickets for nearly a shilling. I +search nervously for this precious treasure. As I do not find them +quickly enough, I spring to my feet and search, in a sweat of fear. +I discover them at last in the bottom of my breast-pocket, together +with other papers--some clean, some written on--of no value.</p> + +<p>I count these six tickets over many times, backwards and +forwards; I had not much use for them; it might pass for a whim--a +notion of mine--that I no longer cared to get shaved.</p> + +<p>I was saved to the extent of sixpence--a white sixpence of +Kongsberg silver. The bank closed at six; I could watch for my man +outside the Opland Café between seven and eight.</p> + +<p>I sat, and was for a long time pleased with this thought. Time +went. The wind blew lustily through the chestnut trees around me, +and the day declined.</p> + +<p>After all, was it not rather petty to come slinking up with six +shaving- tickets to a young gentleman holding a good position in a +bank? Perhaps, he had already a book, maybe two, quite full of +spick and span tickets, a contrast to the crumpled ones I held.</p> + +<p>Who could tell? I felt in all my pockets for anything else I +could let go with them, but found nothing. If I could only offer +him my tie? I could well do without it if I buttoned my coat +tightly up, which, by the way, I was already obliged to do, as I +had no waistcoat. I untied it--it was a large overlapping bow which +hid half my chest,--brushed it carefully, and folded it up in a +piece of clean white writing-paper, together with the tickets. Then +I left the churchyard and took the road leading to the Opland.</p> + +<p>It was seven by the Town Hall clock. I walked up and down hard +by the café, kept close to the iron railings, and kept a sharp +watch on all who went in and came out of the door. At last, about +eight o'clock, I saw the young fellow, fresh, elegantly dressed, +coming up the hill and across to the cafe door. My heart fluttered +like a little bird in my breast as I caught sight of him, and I +blurted out, without even a greeting:</p> + +<p>"Sixpence, old friend!" I said, putting on cheek; "here is the +worth of it," and I thrust the little packet into his hand.</p> + +<p>"Haven't got it," he exclaimed. "God knows if I have!" and he +turned his purse inside out right before my eyes. "I was out last +night and got totally cleared out! You must believe me, I literally +haven't got it."</p> + +<p>"No, no, my dear fellow; I suppose it is so," I answered, and I +took his word for it. There was, indeed, no reason why he should +lie about such a trifling matter. It struck me, too, that his blue +eyes were moist whilst he ransacked his pockets and found nothing. +I drew back. "Excuse me," I said; "it was only just that I was a +bit hard up." I was already a piece down the street, when he called +after me about the little packet. "Keep it! keep it," I answered; +"you are welcome to it. There are only a few trifles in it--a +bagatelle; about all I own in the world," and I became so touched +at my own words, they sounded so pathetic in the twilight, that I +fell a-weeping....</p> + +<p>The wind freshened, the clouds chased madly across the heavens, +and it grew cooler and cooler as it got darker. I walked, and cried +as I walked, down the whole street; felt more and more +commiseration with myself, and repeated, time after time, a few +words, an ejaculation, which called forth fresh tears whenever they +were on the point of ceasing: "Lord God, I feel so wretched! Lord +God, I feel so wretched!"</p> + +<p>An hour passed; passed with such strange slowness, such +weariness. I spent a long time in Market Street; sat on steps, +stole into doorways, and when any one approached, stood and stared +absently into the shops where people bustled about with wares or +money. At last I found myself a sheltered place, behind a deal +hoarding, between the church and the bazaar.</p> + +<p>No; I couldn't go out into the woods again this evening. Things +must take their course. I had not strength enough to go, and it was +such an endless way there. I would kill the night as best I could, +and remain where I was; if it got all too cold, well, I could walk +round the church. I would not in any case worry myself any more +about that, and I leant back and dozed.</p> + +<p>The noise around me diminished; the shops closed. The steps of +the pedestrians sounded more and more rarely, and in all the +windows about the lights went out. I opened my eyes, and became +aware of a figure standing in front of me. The flash of shining +buttons told me it was a policeman, though I could not see the +man's face.</p> + +<p>"Good-night," he said.</p> + +<p>"Good-night," I answered and got afraid.</p> + +<p>"Where do you live?" he queried.</p> + +<p>I name, from habit, and without thought, my old address, the +little attic.</p> + +<p>He stood for a while.</p> + +<p>"Have I done anything wrong?" I asked anxiously.</p> + +<p>"No, not at all!" he replied; "but you had perhaps better be +getting home now; it's cold lying here."</p> + +<p>"Ay, that's true; I feel it is a little chilly." I said +good-night, and instinctively took the road to my old abode. If I +only set about it carefully, I might be able to get upstairs +without being heard; there were eight steps in all, and only the +two top ones creaked under my tread. Down at the door I took off my +shoes, and ascended. It was quiet everywhere. I could hear the slow +tick-tack of a clock, and a child crying a little. After that I +heard nothing. I found my door, lifted the latch as I was +accustomed to do, entered the room, and shut the door noiselessly +after me.</p> + +<p>Everything was as I had left it. The curtains were pulled aside +from the windows, and the bed stood empty. I caught a glimpse of a +note lying on the table; perhaps it was my note to the +landlady--she might never have been up here since I went away.</p> + +<p>I fumbled with my hands over the white spot, and felt, to my +astonishment, that it was a letter. I take it over to the window, +examine as well as it is possible in the dark the badly-written +letters of the address, and make out at least my own name. Ah, I +thought, an answer from my landlady, forbidding me to enter the +room again if I were for sneaking back.</p> + +<p>Slowly, quite slowly I left the room, carrying my shoes in one +hand, the letter in the other, and the blanket under my arm. I draw +myself up, set my teeth as I tread on the creaking steps, get +happily down the stairs, and stand once more at the door. I put on +my shoes, take my time with the laces, sit a while quietly after +I'm ready, and stare vacantly before me, holding the letter in my +hand. Then I get up and go.</p> + +<p class="poetry">The flickering ray of a gas lamp gleams up the +street. I make straight for the light, lean my parcel against the +lamp-post and open the letter. All this with the utmost +deliberation. A stream of light, as it were, darts through my +breast, and I hear that I give a little cry--a meaningless sound of +joy. The letter was from the editor. My story was accepted--had +been set in type immediately, straight off! A few slight +alterations.... A couple of errors in writing amended.... Worked +out with talent ... be printed tomorrow ... half-a-sovereign.</p> + +<p>I laughed and cried, took to jumping and running down the +street, stopped, slapped my thighs, swore loudly and solemnly into +space at nothing in particular. And time went.</p> + +<p>All through the night until the bright dawn I "jodled" about the +streets and repeated--"Worked out with talent--therefore a little +masterpiece--a stroke of genius--and half-a-sovereign."</p> + +<h2 class="spaced">Part II</h2> + +<p>A few weeks later I was out one evening. Once more I had sat out +in a churchyard and worked at an article for one of the newspapers. +But whilst I was struggling with it eight o'clock struck, and +darkness closed in, and time for shutting the gates.</p> + +<p>I was hungry--very hungry. The ten shillings had, worse luck, +lasted all too short. It was now two, ay, nearly three days since I +had eaten anything, and I felt somewhat faint; holding the pencil +even had taxed me a little. I had half a penknife and a bunch of +keys in my pocket, but not a farthing.</p> + +<p>When the churchyard gate shut I meant to have gone straight +home, but, from an instinctive dread of my room--a vacant tinker's +workshop, where all was dark and barren, and which, in fact, I had +got permission to occupy for the present--I stumbled on, passed, +not caring where I went, the Town Hall, right to the sea, and over +to a scat near the railway bridge.</p> + +<p>At this moment not a sad thought troubled me. I forgot my +distress, and felt calmed by the view of the sea, which lay +peaceful and lovely in the murkiness. For old habit's sake I would +please myself by reading through the bit I had just written, and +which seemed to my suffering head the best thing I had ever +done.</p> + +<p>I took my manuscript out of my pocket to try and decipher it, +held it close up to my eyes, and ran through it, one line after the +other. At last I got tired, and put the papers back in my pocket. +Everything was still. The sea stretched away in pearly blueness, +and little birds flitted noiselessly by me from place to place.</p> + +<p>A policeman patrols in the distance; otherwise there is not a +soul visible, and the whole harbour is hushed in quiet.</p> + +<p>I count my belongings once more--half a penknife, a bunch of +keys, but not a farthing. Suddenly I dive into my pocket and take +the papers out again. It was a mechanical movement, an unconscious +nervous twitch. I selected a white unwritten page, and--God knows +where I got the notion from--but I made a cornet, closed it +carefully, so that it looked as if it were filled with something, +and threw it far out on to the pavement. The breeze blew it onward +a little, and then it lay still.</p> + +<p>By this time hunger had begun to assail me in earnest. I sat and +looked at the white paper cornet, which seemed as if it might be +bursting with shining silver pieces, and incited myself to believe +that it really did contain something. I sat and coaxed myself quite +audibly to guess the sum; if I guessed aright, it was to be +mine.</p> + +<p>I imagined the tiny, pretty penny bits at the bottom and the +thick fluted shillings on top--a whole paper cornet full of money! +I sat and gazed at it with wide opened eyes, and urged myself to go +and steal it.</p> + +<p>Then I hear the constable cough. What puts it into my head to do +the same? I rise up from the seat and repeat the cough three times +so that he may hear it. Won't he jump at the corner when he comes. +I sat and laughed at this trick, rubbed my hands with glee, and +swore with rollicking recklessness. What a disappointment he will +get, the dog! Wouldn't this piece of villainy make him inclined to +sink into hell's hottest pool of torment! I was drunk with +starvation; my hunger had made me tipsy.</p> + +<p>A few minutes later the policeman comes by, clinking his iron +heels on the pavement, peering on all sides. He takes his time; he +has the whole night before him; he does not notice the paper +bag--not till he comes quite close to it. Then he stops and stares +at it. It looks so white and so full as it lies there; perhaps a +little sum--what? A little sum of silver money?... and he picks it +up. Hum ... it is light--very light; maybe an expensive feather; +some hat trimming.... He opened it carefully with his big hands, +and looked in. I laughed, laughed, slapped my thighs, and laughed, +like a maniac. And not a sound issued from my throat; my laughter +was hushed and feverish to the intensity of tears.</p> + +<p>Clink, clink again over the paving-stones, and the policeman +took a turn towards the landing-stage. I sat there, with tears in +my eyes, and hiccoughed for breath, quite beside myself with +feverish merriment. I commenced to talk aloud to myself all about +the cornet, imitated the poor policeman's movements, peeped into my +hollow hand, and repeated over and over again to myself, "He +coughed as he threw it away--he coughed as he threw it away." I +added new words to these, gave them additional point, changed the +whole sentence, and made it catching and piquant. He coughed +once--Kheu heu!</p> + +<p>I exhausted myself in weaving variations on these words, and the +evening was far advanced before my mirth ceased. Then a drowsy +quiet overcame me; a pleasant languor which I did not attempt to +resist. The darkness had intensified, and a slight breeze furrowed +the pearl-blue sea. The ships, the masts of which I could see +outlined against the sky, looked with their black hulls like +voiceless monsters that bristled and lay in wait for me. I had no +pain--my hunger had taken the edge off it. In its stead I felt +pleasantly empty, untouched by everything around me, and glad not +to be noticed by any one. I put my feet up on the seat and leant +back. Thus I could best appreciate the well-being of perfect +isolation. There was not a cloud on my mind, not a feeling of +discomfort, and so far as my thought reached, I had not a whim, not +a desire unsatisfied. I lay with open eyes, in a state of utter +absence of mind. I felt myself charmed away. Moreover, not a sound +disturbed me. Soft darkness had hidden the whole world from my +sight, and buried me in ideal rest. Only the lonely, crooning voice +of silence strikes in monotones on my ear, and the dark monsters +out there will draw me to them when night comes, and they will bear +me far across the sea, through strange lands where no man dwells, +and they will bear me to Princess Ylajali's palace, where an +undreamt-of grandeur awaits me, greater than that of any other man. +And she herself will be sitting in a dazzling hall where all is +amethyst, on a throne of yellow roses, and will stretch out her +hands to me when I alight; will smile and call as I approach and +kneel: "Welcome, welcome, knight, to me and my land! I have waited +twenty summers for you, and called for you on all bright nights. +And when you sorrowed I have wept here, and when you slept I have +breathed sweet dreams in you!"... And the fair one clasps my hand +and, holding it, leads me through long corridors where great crowds +of people cry, "Hurrah!" through bright gardens where three hundred +tender maidens laugh and play; and through another hall where all +is of emerald; and here the sun shines.</p> + +<p>In the corridors and galleries choirs of musicians march by, and +rills of perfume are wafted towards me.</p> + +<p>I clasp her hand in mine; I feel the wild witchery of +enchantment shiver through my blood, and I fold my arms around her, +and she whispers, "Not here; come yet farther!" and we enter a +crimson room, where all is of ruby, a foaming glory, in which I +faint.</p> + +<p>Then I feel her arms encircle me; her breath fans my face with a +whispered "Welcome, loved one! Kiss me ... more ... more...."</p> + +<p>I see from my seat stars shooting before my eyes, and my +thoughts are swept away in a hurricane of light....</p> + +<p>I had fallen asleep where I lay, and was awakened by the +policeman. There I sat, recalled mercilessly to life and misery. My +first feeling was of stupid amazement at finding myself in the open +air; but this was quickly replaced by a bitter despondency, I was +near crying with sorrow at being still alive. It had rained whilst +I slept, and my clothes were soaked through and through, and I felt +a damp cold in my limbs.</p> + +<p>The darkness was denser; it was with difficulty that I could +distinguish the policeman's face in front of me.</p> + +<p>"So, that's right," he said; "get up now."</p> + +<p>I got up at once; if he had commanded me to lie down again I +would have obeyed too. I was fearfully dejected, and utterly +without strength; added to that, I was almost instantly aware of +the pangs of hunger again.</p> + +<p>"Hold on there!" the policeman shouted after me; "why, you're +walking off without your hat, you Juggins! So--h there; now, go +on."</p> + +<p>"I indeed thought there was something--something I had +forgotten," I stammered, absently. "Thanks, good-night!" and I +stumbled away.</p> + +<p>If one only had a little bread to eat; one of those delicious +little brown loaves that one could bite into as one walked along +the street; and as I went on I thought over the particular sort of +brown bread that would be so unspeakably good to munch. I was +bitterly hungry; wished myself dead and buried; I got maudlin, and +wept.</p> + +<p>There never was any end to my misery. Suddenly I stopped in the +street, stamped on the pavement, and cursed loudly. What was it he +called me? A "Juggins"? I would just show him what calling me a +"Juggins" means. I turned round and ran back. I felt red-hot with +anger. Down the street I stumbled, and fell, but I paid no heed to +it, jumped up again, and ran on. But by the time I reached the +railway station I had become so tired that I did not feel able to +proceed all the way to the landing-stage; besides, my anger had +cooled down with the run. At length I pulled up and drew breath. +Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what +such a policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything. +Right enough, I interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I +found this argument satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He +knew no better"; and with that I returned again.</p> + +<p>"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take +into your head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet +streets on dark nights." My hunger was now tormenting me +excruciatingly, and gave me no rest. Again and again I swallowed +saliva to try and satisfy myself a little; I fancied it helped.</p> + +<p>I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before +this last period set in, and my strength had diminished +considerably of late. When I had been lucky enough to raise five +shillings by some manoeuvre or another they only lasted any time +with difficulty; not long enough for me to be restored to health +before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again. My back and +shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little +gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward +as I walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever +was the reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not +just as much entitled to live as any one else? for example, as +Bookseller Pascha or Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders +like a giant, and two strong hands to work with? and had I not, in +sooth, even applied for a place as wood-chopper in Möllergaden in +order to earn my daily bread? Was I lazy? Had I not applied for +situations, attended lectures, written articles, and worked day and +night like a man possessed? Had I not lived like a miser, eaten +bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I had little, +and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I a +suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over +a tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last +winter, because the snow blew in. So I could not understand the +whole thing; not a bit of it.</p> + +<p>I slouched on, and dwelt upon all this, and there was not as +much as a spark of bitterness or malice or envy in my mind.</p> + +<p>I halted at a paint-shop and gazed into the window. I tried to +read the labels on a couple of the tins, but it was too dark. Vexed +with myself over this new whim, and excited--almost angry at not +being able to make out what these tins held,--I rapped twice +sharply on the window and went on.</p> + +<p>Up the street I saw a policeman. I quickened my pace, went close +up to him, and said, without the slightest provocation, "It is ten +o'clock."</p> + +<p>"No, it's two," he answered, amazed.</p> + +<p>"No, it's ten," I persisted; "it is ten o'clock!" and, groaning +with anger, I stepped yet a pace or two nearer, clenched my fist, +and said, "Listen, do you know what, it's ten o'clock!"</p> + +<p>He stood and considered a while, summed up my appearance, stared +aghast at me, and at last said, quite gently, "In any case, it's +about time ye were getting home. Would ye like me to go with ye a +bit?"</p> + +<p>I was completely disarmed by this man's unexpected friendliness. +I felt that tears sprang to my eyes, and I hastened to reply:</p> + +<p>"No, thank you! I have only been out a little too late in a +café. Thank you very much all the same!"</p> + +<p>He saluted with his hand to his helmet as I turned away. His +friendliness had overwhelmed me, and I cried weakly, because I had +not even a little coin to give him.</p> + +<p>I halted, and looked after him as he went slowly on his way. I +struck my forehead, and, in measure, as he disappeared from my +sight, I cried more violently.</p> + +<p>I railed at myself for my poverty, called myself abusive names, +invented furious designations--rich, rough nuggets--in a vein of +abuse with which I overwhelmed myself. I kept on at this until I +was nearly home. On coming to the door I discovered I had dropped +my keys.</p> + +<p>"Oh, of course," I muttered to myself, "why shouldn't I lose my +keys? Here I am, living in a yard where there is a stable +underneath and a tinker's workshop up above. The door is locked at +night, and no one, no one can open it; therefore, why should I not +lose my keys?</p> + +<p>"I am as wet as a dog--a little hungry--ah, just ever such a +little hungry, and slightly, ay, absurdly tired about my knees; +therefore, why should I not lose them?</p> + +<p>"Why, for that matter, had not the whole house flitted out to +Aker by the time I came home and wished to enter it?" ... and I +laughed to myself, hardened by hunger and exhaustion.</p> + +<p>I could hear the horses stamp in the stables, and I could see my +window above, but I could not open the door, and I could not get +in.</p> + +<p>It had begun to rain again, and I felt the water soak through to +my shoulders. At the Town Hall I was seized by a bright idea. I +would ask the policeman to open the door. I applied at once to a +constable, and earnestly begged him to accompany me and let me in, +if he could.</p> + +<p>Yes, if he could, yes! But he couldn't; he had no key. The +police keys were not there; they were kept in the Detective +Department.</p> + +<p>What was I to do then?</p> + +<p>Well, I could go to an hotel and get a bed!</p> + +<p>But I really couldn't go to an hotel and get a bed; I had not +money, I had been out--in a café ... he knew....</p> + +<p>We stood a while on the Town Hall steps. He considered and +examined my personal appearance. The rain fell in torrents +outside.</p> + +<p>"Well then, you must go to the guard-house and report yourself +as homeless!" said he.</p> + +<p>Homeless? I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by Jove, that was a +capital idea; and I thanked the constable on the spot for the +suggestion. Could I simply go in and say I was homeless?</p> + +<p>"Just that."...</p> + +<hr> +<p>"Your name?" inquired the guard.</p> + +<p>"Tangen--Andreas Tangen!"</p> + +<p>I don't know why I lied; my thoughts fluttered about +disconnectedly and inspired me with many singular whims, more than +I knew what to do with. I hit upon this out-of-the-way name on the +spur of the moment, and blurted it out without any calculation. I +lied without any occasion for doing so.</p> + +<p>"Occupation?"</p> + +<p>This was driving me into a corner with a vengeance. Occupation! +what was my occupation? I thought first of turning myself into a +tinker--but I dared not; firstly, I had given myself a name that +was not common to every and any tinker--besides, I wore +<em>pince-nez</em>. It suddenly entered my head to be foolhardy. I +took a step forward and said firmly, almost solemnly:</p> + +<p>"A journalist."</p> + +<p>The guard gave a start before he wrote it down, whilst I stood +as important as a homeless Cabinet Minister before the barrier. It +roused no suspicions. The guard understood quite well why I +hesitated a little before answering. What did it look like to see a +journalist in the night guard-house without a roof over his +head?</p> + +<p>"On what paper, Herr Tangen?"</p> + +<p>"<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" said I. "I have been out a little too +late this evening, more's the shame!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, we won't mention that," he interrupted, with a smile; "when +young people are out ... we understand!"</p> + +<p>Turning to a policeman, he said, as he rose and bowed politely +to me, "Show this gentleman up to the reserved section. +Good-night!"</p> + +<p>I felt ice run down my back at my own boldness, and I clenched +my hands to steady myself a bit. If I only hadn't dragged in the +<em>Morgenbladet</em>. I knew Friele could show his teeth when he +liked, and I was reminded of that by the grinding of the key +turning in the lock.</p> + +<p>"The gas will burn for ten minutes," remarked the policeman at +the door.</p> + +<p>"And then does it go out?"</p> + +<p>"Then it goes out!"</p> + +<p>I sat on the bed and listened to the turning of the key. The +bright cell had a friendly air; I felt comfortably and well +sheltered; and listened with pleasure to the rain outside--I +couldn't wish myself anything better than such a cosy cell. My +contentment increased. Sitting on the bed, hat in hand, and with +eyes fastened on the gas jet over in the wall, I gave myself up to +thinking over the minutes of my first interview with the police. +This was the first time, and how hadn't I fooled them? +"Journalist!--Tangen! if you please! and then +<em>Morgenbladet</em>!" Didn't I appeal straight to his heart with +<em>Morgenbladet</em>? "We won't mention that! Eh? Sat in state in +the Stiftsgaarden till two o'clock; forgot door- key and a +pocket-book with a thousand kroner at home. Show this gentleman up +to the reserved section!"...</p> + +<p>All at once out goes the gas with a strange suddenness, without +diminishing or flickering.</p> + +<p>I sit in the deepest darkness; I cannot see my hand, nor the +white walls-- nothing. There was nothing for it but to go to bed, +and I undressed.</p> + +<p>But I was not tired from want of sleep, and it would not come to +me. I lay a while gazing into the darkness, this dense mass of +gloom that had no bottom--my thoughts could not fathom it.</p> + +<p>It seemed beyond all measure dense to me, and I felt its +presence oppress me. I closed my eyes, commenced to sing under my +breath, and tossed to and fro, in order to distract myself, but to +no purpose. The darkness had taken possession of my thoughts and +left me not a moment in peace. Supposing I were myself to be +absorbed in darkness; made one with it?</p> + +<p>I raise myself up in bed and fling out my arms. My nervous +condition has got the upper hand of me, and nothing availed, no +matter how much I tried to work against it. There I sat, a prey to +the most singular fantasies, listening to myself crooning +lullabies, sweating with the exertion of striving to hush myself to +rest. I peered into the gloom, and I never in all the days of my +life felt such darkness. There was no doubt that I found myself +here, in face of a peculiar kind of darkness; a desperate element +to which no one had hitherto paid attention. The most ludicrous +thoughts busied me, and everything made me afraid.</p> + +<p>A little hole in the wall at the head of my bed occupies me +greatly--a nail hole. I find the marks in the wall--I feel it, blow +into it, and try to guess its depth. That was no innocent hole--not +at all. It was a downright intricate and mysterious hole, which I +must guard against! Possessed by the thought of this hole, entirely +beside myself with curiosity and fear, I get out of bed and seize +hold of my penknife in order to gauge its depth, and convince +myself that it does not reach right into the next wall.</p> + +<p>I lay down once more to try and fall asleep, but in reality to +wrestle again with the darkness. The rain had ceased outside, and I +could not hear a sound. I continued for a long time to listen for +footsteps in the street, and got no peace until I heard a +pedestrian go by--to judge from the sound, a constable. Suddenly I +snap my fingers many times and laugh: "That was the very deuce! +Ha--ha!" I imagined I had discovered a new word. I rise up in bed +and say, "It is not in the language; I have discovered it. 'Kuboa.' +It has letters as a word has. By the benign God, man, you have +discovered a word!... 'Kuboa' ... a word of profound import."</p> + +<p>I sit with open eyes, amazed at my own find, and laugh for joy. +Then I begin to whisper; some one might spy on me, and I intended +to keep my discovery a secret. I entered into the joyous frenzy of +hunger. I was empty and free from pain, and I gave free rein to my +thoughts.</p> + +<p>In all calmness I revolve things in my mind. With the most +singular jerks in my chain of ideas I seek to explain the meaning +of my new word. There was no occasion for it to mean either God or +the Tivoli; <a name="fnr4"></a> <a href="#fn4" class= +"fnsuper">4</a> and who said that it was to signify cattle show? I +clench my hands fiercely, and repeat once again, "Who said that it +was to signify cattle show?" No; on second thoughts, it was not +absolutely necessary that it should mean padlock, or sunrise. It +was not difficult to find a meaning for such a word as this. I +would wait and see. In the meantime I could sleep on it.</p> + +<p>I lie there on the stretcher-bed and laugh slily, but say +nothing; give vent to no opinion one way or the other. Some minutes +pass over, and I wax nervous; this new word torments me +unceasingly, returns again and again, takes up my thoughts, and +makes me serious. I had fully formed an opinion as to what it +should not signify, but had come to no conclusion as to what it +should signify. "That is quite a matter of detail," I said aloud to +myself, and I clutched my arm and reiterated: "That is quite a +matter of detail." The word was found, God be praised! and that was +the principal thing. But ideas worry me without end and hinder me +from falling asleep. Nothing seemed good enough to me for this +unusually rare word. At length I sit up in bed again, grasp my head +in both hands, and say, "No! it is just this, it is impossible to +let it signify emigration or tobacco factory. If it could have +meant anything like that I would have decided upon it long since +and taken the consequences." No; in reality the word is fitted to +signify something psychical, a feeling, a state. Could I not +apprehend it? and I reflect profoundly in order to find something +psychical. Then it seems to me that some one is interposing, +interrupting my confab. I answer angrily, "Beg pardon! Your match +in idiocy is not to be found; no, sir! Knitting cotton? Ah! go to +hell!" Well, really I had to laugh. Might I ask why should I be +forced to let it signify knitting cotton, when I had a special +dislike to its signifying knitting cotton? I had discovered the +word myself, so, for that matter, I was perfectly within my right +in letting it signify whatsoever I pleased. As far as I was aware, +I had not yet expressed an opinion as to....</p> + +<p>But my brain got more and more confused. At last I sprang out of +bed to look for the water-tap. I was not thirsty, but my head was +in a fever, and I felt an instinctive longing for water. When I had +drunk some I got into bed again, and determined with all my might +to settle to sleep. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep +quiet. I lay thus for some minutes without making a movement, +sweated and felt my blood jerk violently through my veins. No, it +was really too delicious the way he thought to find money in the +paper cornet! He only coughed once, too! I wonder if he is pacing +up and down there yet! Sitting on my bench? the pearly blue sea ... +the ships....</p> + +<p>I opened my eyes; how could I keep them shut when I could not +sleep? The same darkness brooded over me; the same unfathomable +black eternity which my thoughts strove against and could not +understand. I made the most despairing efforts to find a word black +enough to characterize this darkness; a word so horribly black that +it would darken my lips if I named it. Lord! how dark it was! and I +am carried back in thought to the sea and the dark monsters that +lay in wait for me. They would draw me to them, and clutch me +tightly and bear me away by land and sea, through dark realms that +no soul has seen. I feel myself on board, drawn through waters, +hovering in clouds, sinking--sinking.</p> + +<p>I give a hoarse cry of terror, clutch the bed tightly--I had +made such a perilous journey, whizzing down through space like a +bolt. Oh, did I not feel that I was saved as I struck my hands +against the wooden frame! "This is the way one dies!" said I to +myself. "Now you will die!" and I lay for a while and thought over +that I was to die.</p> + +<p>Then I start up in bed and ask severely, "If I found the word, +am I not absolutely within my right to decide myself what it is to +signify?"... I could hear myself that I was raving. I could hear it +now whilst I was talking. My madness was a delirium of weakness and +prostration, but I was not out of my senses. All at once the +thought darted through my brain that I was insane. Seized with +terror, I spring out of bed again, I stagger to the door, which I +try to open, fling myself against it a couple of times to burst it, +strike my head against the wall, bewail loudly, bite my fingers, +cry and curse....</p> + +<p>All was quiet; only my own voice echoed from the walls. I had +fallen to the floor, incapable of stumbling about the cell any +longer.</p> + +<p>Lying there I catch a glimpse, high up, straight before my eyes, +of a greyish square in the wall, a suggestion of white, a +presage--it must be of daylight. I felt it must be daylight, felt +it through every pore in my body. Oh, did I not draw a breath of +delighted relief! I flung myself flat on the floor and cried for +very joy over this blessed glimpse of light, sobbed for very +gratitude, blew a kiss to the window, and conducted myself like a +maniac. And at this moment I was perfectly conscious of what I was +doing. All my dejection had vanished; all despair and pain had +ceased, and I had at this moment, at least as far as my thought +reached, not a wish unfilled. I sat up on the floor, folded my +hands, and waited patiently for the dawn.</p> + +<p>What a night this had been!</p> + +<p>That they had not heard any noise! I thought with astonishment. +But then I was in the reserved section, high above all the +prisoners. A homeless Cabinet Minister, if I might say so.</p> + +<p>Still in the best of humours, with eyes turned towards the +lighter, ever lighter square in the wall, I amused myself acting +Cabinet Minister; called myself Von Tangen, and clothed my speech +in a dress of red-tape. My fancies had not ceased, but I was far +less nervous. If I only had not been thoughtless enough to leave my +pocket-book at home! Might I not have the honour of assisting his +Right Honourable the Prime Minister to bed? And in all seriousness, +and with much ceremony I went over to the stretcher and lay +down.</p> + +<p>By this it was so light that I could distinguish in some degree +the outlines of the cell and, little by little, the heavy handle of +the door. This diverted me; the monotonous darkness so irritating +in its impenetrability that it prevented me from seeing myself was +broken; my blood flowed more quietly; I soon felt my eyes +close.</p> + +<p>I was aroused by a couple of knocks on my door. I jumped up in +all haste, and clad myself hurriedly; my clothes were still wet +through from last night.</p> + +<p>"You'll report yourself downstairs to the officer on duty," said +the constable.</p> + +<p>Were there more formalities to be gone through, then? I thought +with fear.</p> + +<p>Below I entered a large room, where thirty or forty people sat, +all homeless. They were called up one by one by the registering +clerk, and one by one they received a ticket for breakfast. The +officer on duty repeated constantly to the policeman at his side, +"Did he get a ticket? Don't forget to give them tickets; they look +as if they wanted a meal!"</p> + +<p>And I stood and looked at these tickets, and wished I had +one.</p> + +<p>"Andreas Tangen--journalist."</p> + +<p>I advanced and bowed.</p> + +<p>"But, my dear fellow, how did you come here?"</p> + +<p>I explained the whole state of the case, repeated the same story +as last night, lied without winking, lied with frankness--had been +out rather late, worse luck ... café ... lost door-key....</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, and he smiled; "that's the way! Did you sleep +well then?"</p> + +<p>I answered, "Like a Cabinet Minister--like a Cabinet +Minister!"</p> + +<p>"I am glad to hear it," he said, and he stood up. +"Good-morning."</p> + +<p>And I went!</p> + +<p>A ticket! a ticket for me too! I have not eaten for more than +three long days and nights. A loaf! But no one offered me a ticket, +and I dared not demand one. It would have roused suspicion at once. +They would begin to poke their noses into my private affairs, and +discover who I really was; they might arrest me for false +pretences; and so, with elevated head, the carriage of a +millionaire, and hands thrust under my coat-tails, I stride out of +the guard-house.</p> + +<p>The sun shone warmly, early as it was. It was ten o'clock, and +the traffic in Young's Market was in full swing. Which way should I +take? I slapped my pockets and felt for my manuscript. At eleven I +would try and see the editor. I stand a while on the balustrade, +and watch the bustle under me. Meanwhile, my clothes commenced to +steam. Hunger put in its appearance afresh, gnawed at my breast, +clutched me, and gave small, sharp stabs that caused me pain.</p> + +<p>Had I not a friend--an acquaintance whom I could apply to? I +ransack my memory to find a man good for a penny piece, and fail to +find him.</p> + +<p>Well, it was a lovely day, anyway! Sunlight bright and warm +surrounded me. The sky stretched away like a beautiful sea over the +Lier mountains.</p> + +<p>Without knowing it, I was on my way home. I hungered sorely. I +found a chip of wood in the street to chew--that helped a bit. To +think that I hadn't thought of that sooner! The door was open; the +stable-boy bade me good-morning as usual.</p> + +<p>"Fine weather," said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied. That was all I found to say. Could I ask for +the loan of a shilling? He would be sure to lend it willingly if he +could; besides that, I had written a letter for him once.</p> + +<p>He stood and turned something over in his mind before he +ventured on saying it.</p> + +<p>"Fine weather! Ahem! I ought to pay my landlady today; you +wouldn't be so kind as to lend me five shillings, would you? Only +for a few days, sir. You did me a service once before, so you +did."</p> + +<p>"No; I really can't do it, Jens Olaj," I answered. "Not +now--perhaps later on, maybe in the afternoon," and I staggered up +the stairs to my room.</p> + +<p>I flung myself on my bed, and laughed. How confoundedly lucky it +was that he had forestalled me; my self-respect was saved. Five +shillings! God bless you, man, you might just as well have asked me +for five shares in the Dampkökken, or an estate out in Aker.</p> + +<p class="poetry">And the thought of these five shillings made me +laugh louder and louder. Wasn't I a devil of a fellow, eh? Five +shillings! My mirth increased, and I gave way to it. Ugh! what a +shocking smell of cooking there was here--a downright disgustingly +strong smell of chops for dinner, phew! and I flung open the window +to let out this beastly smell. "Waiter, a plate of beef!" Turning +to the table --this miserable table that I was forced to support +with my knees when I wrote--I bowed profoundly, and said:</p> + +<p>"May I ask will you take a glass of wine? No? I am +Tangen--Tangen, the Cabinet Minister. I--more's the pity--I was out +a little late ... the door-key." Once more my thoughts ran without +rein in intricate paths. I was continually conscious that I talked +at random, and yet I gave utterance to no word without hearing and +understanding it. I said to myself, "Now you are talking at random +again," and yet I could not help myself. It was as if one were +lying awake, and yet talking in one's sleep.</p> + +<p>My head was light, without pain and without pressure, and my +mood was unshadowed. It sailed away with me, and I made no +effort.</p> + +<p>"Come in! Yes, only come right in! As you see everything is of +ruby-- Ylajali, Ylajali! that swelling crimson silken divan! Ah, +how passionately she breathes. Kiss me--loved one--more--more! Your +arms are like pale amber, your mouth blushes.... Waiter I asked for +a plate of beef!"</p> + +<p>The sun gleamed in through the window, and I could hear the +horses below chewing oats. I sat and mumbled over my chip gaily, +glad at heart as a child.</p> + +<p>I kept all the time feeling for my manuscript. It wasn't really +in my thoughts, but instinct told me it was there--'twas in my +blood to remember it, and I took it out.</p> + +<p>It had got wet, and I spread it out in the sun to dry; then I +took to wandering up and down the room. How depressing everything +looked! Small scraps of tin shavings were trodden into the floor; +there was not a chair to sit upon, not even a nail in the bare +walls. Everything had been brought to my "Uncle's," and consumed. A +few sheets of paper lying on the table, covered with thick dust, +were my sole possession; the old green blanket on the bed was lent +to me by Hans Pauli some months ago.... Hans Pauli! I snap my +fingers. Hans Pauli Pettersen shall help me! He would certainly be +very angry that I had not appealed to him at once. I put on my hat +in haste, gather up the manuscript, thrust it into my pocket, and +hurry downstairs.</p> + +<p>"Listen, Jens Olaj!" I called into the stable, "I am nearly +certain I can help you in the afternoon."</p> + +<p>Arrived at the Town Hall I saw that it was past eleven, and I +determined on going to the editor at once. I stopped outside the +office door to see if my sheets were paged rightly, smoothed them +carefully out, put them back in my pocket, and knocked. My heart +beat audibly as I entered.</p> + +<p>"Scissors" is there as usual. I inquire timorously for the +editor. No answer. The man sits and probes for minor items of news +amongst the provincial papers.</p> + +<p>I repeat my question, and advance a little farther.</p> + +<p>"The editor has not come yet!" said "Scissors" at length, +without looking up.</p> + +<p>How soon would he come?</p> + +<p>"Couldn't say--couldn't say at all!"</p> + +<p>How long would the office be open?</p> + +<p>To this I received no answer, so I was forced to leave. +"Scissors" had not once looked up at me during all this scene; he +had heard my voice, and recognized me by it. You are in such bad +odour here, thought I, that he doesn't even take the trouble to +answer you. I wonder if that is an order of the editor's. I had, +'tis true enough, right from the day my celebrated story was +accepted for ten shillings, overwhelmed him with work, rushed to +his door nearly every day with unsuitable things that he was +obliged to peruse only to return them to me. Perhaps he wished to +put an end to this--take stringent measures.... I took the road to +Homandsbyen.</p> + +<p>Hans Paul! Pettersen was a peasant-farmer's son, a student, +living in the attic of a five-storeyed house; therefore, Hans Pauli +Pettersen was a poor man. But if he had a shilling he wouldn't +stint it. I would get it just as sure as if I already held it in my +hand. And I rejoiced the whole time, as I went, over the shilling, +and felt confident I would get it.</p> + +<p>When I got to the street door it was closed and I had to +ring.</p> + +<p>"I want to see Student Pettersen," I said, and was about to step +inside. "I know his room."</p> + +<p>"Student Pettersen," repeats the girl. "Was it he who had the +attic?" He had moved.</p> + +<p>Well, she didn't know the address; but he had asked his letters +to be sent to Hermansen in Tolbod-gaden, and she mentioned the +number.</p> + +<p>I go, full of trust and hope, all the way to Tolbod-gaden to ask +Hans Pauli's address; being my last chance, I must turn it to +account. On the way I came to a newly-built house, where a couple +of joiners stood planing outside. I picked up a few satiny shavings +from the heap, stuck one in my mouth, and the other in my pocket +for by-and-by, and continued my journey.</p> + +<p>I groaned with hunger. I had seen a marvellously large penny +loaf at a baker's--the largest I could possibly get for the +price.</p> + +<p>"I come to find out Student Pettersen's address!"</p> + +<p>"Bernt Akers Street, No. 10, in the attic." Was I going out +there? Well, would I perhaps be kind enough to take out a couple of +letters that had come for him?</p> + +<p>I trudge up town again, along the same road, pass by the +joiners--who are sitting with their cans between their knees, +eating their good warm dinner from the Dampkökken--pass the bakers, +where the loaf is still in its place, and at length reach Bernt +Akers Street, half dead with fatigue. The door is open, and I mount +all the weary stairs to the attic. I take the letters out of my +pocket in order to put Hans Pauli into a good humour on the moment +of my entrance.</p> + +<p>He would be certain not to refuse to give me a helping hand when +I explained how things were with me; no, certainly not; Hans Pauli +had such a big heart--I had always said that of him.... I +discovered his card fastened to the door--"H. P. Pettersen, +Theological Student, 'gone home.'"</p> + +<p>I sat down without more ado--sat down on the bare floor, dulled +with fatigue, fairly beaten with exhaustion. I mechanically mutter, +a couple of times, "Gone home--gone home!" then I keep perfectly +quiet. There was not a tear in my eyes; I had not a thought, not a +feeling of any kind. I sat and stared, with wide-open eyes, at the +letters, without coming to any conclusion. Ten minutes went +over--perhaps twenty or more. I sat stolidly on the one spot, and +did not move a finger. This numb feeling of drowsiness was almost +like a brief slumber. I hear some one come up the stairs.</p> + +<p>"It was Student Pettersen, I ... I have two letters for +him."</p> + +<p>"He has gone home," replies the woman; "but he will return after +the holidays. I could take the letters if you like!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, thanks! that was all right," said I. "He could get them +then when he came back; they might contain matters of importance. +Good-morning."</p> + +<p>When I got outside, I came to a standstill and said loudly in +the open street, as I clenched my hands: "I will tell you one +thing, my good Lord God, you are a bungler!" and I nod furiously, +with set teeth, up to the clouds; "I will be hanged if you are not +a bungler."</p> + +<p>Then I took a few strides, and stopped again. Suddenly, changing +my attitude, I fold my hands, hold my head to one side, and ask, +with an unctuous, sanctimonious tone of voice: "Hast thou appealed +also to him, my child?" It did not sound right!</p> + +<p>With a large H, I say, with an H as big as a cathedral! once +again, "Hast thou invoked Him, my child?" and I incline my head, +and I make my voice whine, and answer, No!</p> + +<p>That didn't sound right either.</p> + +<p>You can't play the hypocrite, you idiot! Yes, you should say, I +have invoked God my Father! and you must set your words to the most +piteous tune you have ever heard in your life. So--o! Once again! +Come, that was better! But you must sigh like a horse down with the +colic. So--o! that's right. Thus I go, drilling myself in +hypocrisy; stamp impatiently in the street when I fail to succeed; +rail at myself for being such a blockhead, whilst the astonished +passers-by turn round and stare at me.</p> + +<p>I chewed uninterruptedly at my shaving, and proceeded, as +steadily as I could, along the street. Before I realized it, I was +at the railway square. The dock on Our Saviour's pointed to +half-past one. I stood for a bit and considered. A faint sweat +forced itself out on my face, and trickled down my eyelids. +Accompany me down to the bridge, said I to myself--that is to say, +if you have spare time!--and I made a bow to myself, and turned +towards the railway bridge near the wharf.</p> + +<p>The ships lay there, and the sea rocked in the sunshine. There +was bustle and movement everywhere, shrieking steam-whistles, quay +porters with cases on their shoulders, lively "shanties" coming +from the prams. An old woman, a vendor of cakes, sits near me, and +bends her brown nose down over her wares. The little table before +her is sinfully full of nice things, and I turn away with distaste. +She is filling the whole quay with her smell of cakes--phew! up +with the windows!</p> + +<p>I accosted a gentleman sitting at my side, and represented +forcibly to him the nuisance of having cake-sellers here, +cake-sellers there.... Eh? Yes; but he must really admit that.... +But the good man smelt a rat, and did not give me time to finish +speaking, for he got up and left. I rose, too, and followed him, +firmly determined to convince him of his mistake.</p> + +<p>"If it was only out of consideration for sanitary conditions," +said I; and I slapped him on the shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, I am a stranger here, and know nothing of the +sanitary conditions," he replied, and stared at me with positive +fear.</p> + +<p>Oh, that alters the case! if he was a stranger.... Could I not +render him a service in any way? show him about? Really not? +because it would be a pleasure to me, and it would cost him +nothing....</p> + +<p>But the man wanted absolutely to get rid of me, and he sheered +off, in all haste, to the other side of the street.</p> + +<p>I returned to the bench and sat down. I was fearfully disturbed, +and the big street organ that had begun to grind a tune a little +farther away made me still worse--a regular metallic music, a +fragment of Weber, to which a little girl is singing a mournful +strain. The flute-like sorrowfulness of the organ thrills through +my blood; my nerves vibrate in responsive echo. A moment later, and +I fall back on the seat, whimpering and crooning in time to it.</p> + +<p>Oh, what strange freaks one's thoughts are guilty of when one is +starving. I feel myself lifted up by these notes, dissolved in +tones, and I float out, I feel so clearly. How I float out, soaring +high above the mountains, dancing through zones of light!...</p> + +<p>"A halfpenny," whines the little organ-girl, reaching forth her +little tin plate; "only a halfpenny."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, unthinkingly, and I sprang to my feet and +ransacked all my pockets. But the child thinks I only want to make +fun of her, and she goes away at once without saying a word.</p> + +<p>This dumb forbearance was too much for me. If she had abused me, +it would have been more endurable. I was stung with pain, and +recalled her.</p> + +<p>"I don't possess a farthing; but I will remember you later on, +maybe tomorrow. What is your name? Yes, that is a pretty name; I +won't forget it. Till tomorrow, then...."</p> + +<p>But I understood quite well that she did not believe me, +although she never said one word; and I cried with despair because +this little street wench would not believe in me.</p> + +<p>Once again I called her back, tore open my coat, and was about +to give her my waistcoat. "I will make up to you for it," said I; +"wait only a moment" ... and lo! I had no waistcoat.</p> + +<p>What in the world made me look for it? Weeks had gone by since +it was in my possession. What was the matter with me, anyway? The +astonished child waited no longer, but withdrew fearsomely, and I +was compelled to let her go. People throng round me, laugh aloud; a +policeman thrusts his way through to me, and wants to know what is +the row.</p> + +<p>"Nothing!" I reply, "nothing at all; I only wanted to give the +little girl over there my waistcoat ... for her father ... you +needn't stand there and laugh at that ... I have only to go home +and put on another."</p> + +<p>"No disturbance in the street," says the constable; "so, march," +and he gives me a shove on.</p> + +<p>"Is them your papers?" he calls after me.</p> + +<p>"Yes, by Jove! my newspaper leader; many important papers! +However could I be so careless?" I snatch up my manuscript, +convince myself that it is lying in order and go, without stopping +a second or looking about me, towards the editor's office.</p> + +<p>It was now four by the clock of Our Saviour's Church. The office +is shut. I stead noiselessly down the stairs, frightened as a +thief, and stand irresolutely outside the door. What should I do +now? I lean up against the wall, stare down at the stones, and +consider. A pin is lying glistening at my feet; I stoop and pick it +up. Supposing I were to cut the buttons off my coat, how much could +I get for them? Perhaps it would be no use, though buttons are +buttons; but yet, I look and examine them, and find them as good as +new--that was a lucky idea all the same; I could cut them off with +my penknife and take them to the pawn-office. The hope of being +able to sell these five buttons cheered me immediately, and I +cried, "See, see; it will all come right!" My delight got the upper +hand of me, and I at once set to cut off the buttons one by one. +Whilst thus occupied, I held the following hushed soliloquy:</p> + +<p>Yes, you see one has become a little impoverished; a momentary +embarrassment ... worn out, do you say? You must not make slips +when you speak? I would like to see the person who wears out less +buttons than I do, I can tell you! I always go with my coat open; +it is a habit of mine, an idiosyncrasy.... No, no; of course, if +you <em>won't</em>, well! But I must have a penny for them, at +least.... No indeed! who said you were obliged to do it? You can +hold your tongue, and leave me in peace.... Yes, well, you can +fetch a policeman, can't you? I'll wait here whilst you are out +looking for him, and I won't steal anything from you. Well, +good-day! Good-day! My name, by the way, is Tangen; have been out a +little late.</p> + +<p>Some one comes up the stairs. I am recalled at once to reality. +I recognize "Scissors," and put the buttons carefully into my +pocket. He attempts to pass; doesn't even acknowledge my nod; is +suddenly intently busied with his nails. I stop him, and inquire +for the editor.</p> + +<p>"Not in, do you hear."</p> + +<p>"You lie," I said, and, with a cheek that fairly amazed myself, +I continued, "I must have a word with him; it is a necessary +errand--communications from the Stiftsgaarden. <a name="fnr5"></a> +<a href="#fn5" class="fnsuper">5</a></p> + +<p>"Well, can't you tell me what it is, then?"</p> + +<p>"Tell you?" and I looked "Scissors" up and down. This had the +desired effect. He accompanied me at once, and opened the door. My +heart was in my mouth now; I set my teeth, to try and revive my +courage, knocked, and entered the editor's private office.</p> + +<p>"Good-day! Is it you?" he asked kindly; "sit down."</p> + +<p>If he had shown me the door it would have been almost as +acceptable. I felt as if I were on the point of crying and +said:</p> + +<p>"I beg you will excuse...."</p> + +<p>"Pray, sit down," he repeated. And I sat down, and explained +that I again had an article which I was extremely anxious to get +into his paper. I had taken such pains with it; it had cost me much +effort.</p> + +<p>"I will read it," said he, and he took it. "Everything you write +is certain to cost you effort, but you are far too impetuous; if +you could only be a little more sober. There's too much fever. In +the meantime, I will read it," and he turned to the table +again.</p> + +<p>There I sat. Dared I ask for a shilling? explain to him why +there was always fever? He would be sure to aid me; it was not the +first time.</p> + +<p>I stood up. Hum! But the last time I was with him he had +complained about money, and had sent a messenger out to scrape some +together for me. Maybe it might be the same case now. No; it should +not occur! Could I not see then that he was sitting at work?</p> + +<p>Was there otherwise anything? he inquired.</p> + +<p>"No," I answered, and I compelled my voice to sound steady. +"About how soon shall I call in again?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, any time you are passing--in a couple of days or so."</p> + +<p>I could not get my request over my lips. This man's friendliness +seemed to me beyond bounds, and I ought to know how to appreciate +it. Rather die of hunger! I went. Not even when I was outside the +door, and felt once more the pangs of hunger, did I repent having +left the office without having asked for that shilling. I took the +other shaving out of my pocket and stuck it into my mouth. It +helped. Why hadn't I done so before? "You ought to be ashamed of +yourself," I said aloud. "Could it really have entered your head to +ask the man for a shilling and put him to inconvenience again?" and +I got downright angry with myself for the effrontery of which I had +almost been guilty. "That is, by God! the shabbiest thing I ever +heard," said I, "to rush at a man and nearly tear the eyes out of +his head just because you happen to need a shilling, you miserable +dog! So--o, march! quicker! quicker! you big thumping lout; I'll +teach you." I commenced to run to punish myself, left one street +after the other behind me at a bound, goaded myself on with +suppressed cries, and shrieked dumbly and furiously at myself +whenever I was about to halt. Thus I arrived a long way up Pyle +Street, when at last I stood still, almost ready to cry with +vexation at not being able to run any farther. I was trembling over +my whole body, and I flung myself down on a step. "No; stop!" I +said, and, in order to torture myself rightly, I arose again, and +forced myself to keep standing. I jeered at myself and hugged +myself with pleasure at the spectacle of my own exhaustion. At +length, after the lapse of a few moments, I gave myself, with a +nod, permission to be seated, though, even then, I chose the most +uncomfortable place on the steps.</p> + +<p>Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my +face, and drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I +was not sorry; I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for +that shilling? Now I could see the consequences, and I began to +talk mildly to myself, dealing out admonitions as a mother might +have done. I grew more and more moved, and tired and weak as I was, +I fell a-crying. A quiet, heart-felt cry; an inner sobbing without +a tear.</p> + +<p>I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the +same place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little +children played about around me, and a little bird sang on a tree +on the other side of the street.</p> + +<p>A policeman came towards me. "Why do you sit here?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Why do I sit here?" I replied; "for pleasure."</p> + +<p>"I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You've sat +here now half-an-hour."</p> + +<p>"About that," I replied; "anything more?"</p> + +<p>I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the market-place, +I stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an +answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made +your voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to +dissemble. From exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a +horse.</p> + +<p>When I got to the fire look-out, I halted afresh, seized by a +new idea. I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that +confounded the passers- by, and said: "Now you shall just go to +Levion the parson. You shall, as sure as death--ay, just for a try. +What have you got to lose by it? and it is such glorious +weather!"</p> + +<p>I entered Pascha's book-shop, found Pastor Levion's address in +the directory, and started for it.</p> + +<p>Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No +rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. +You are hungry; you have come on important business--the first +thing needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your +words to a sing-song. You won't! What? Well then, I won't go a step +farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted +condition, fighting with the powers of darkness and great voiceless +monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of; you hunger +and thirst for wine and milk, and don't get them. It has gone so +far with you. Here you stand and haven't as much as a halfpenny to +bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised; +you haven't yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands +together, and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace. +As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its +pomps in any form. Now it's quite another thing with a +psalm-book--a souvenir to the extent of a few shillings.... I +stopped at the pastor's door, and read, "Office hours, 12 to +4."</p> + +<p>Mind, no fudge, I said; now we'll go ahead in earnest! So hang +your head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.</p> + +<p>"I want to see the pastor," said I to the maid; but it was not +possible for me to get in God's name yet awhile.</p> + +<p>"He has gone out."</p> + +<p>Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all +I intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the +long walk? There I stood.</p> + +<p>"Was it anything particular?" questioned the maid.</p> + +<p>"Not at all," I replied, "not at all." It was only just that it +was such glorious God's weather that I thought I would come out and +make a call.</p> + +<p>There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my +chest to attract her attention to the pin that held my coat +together. I implored her with a look to see what I had come for, +but the poor creature didn't understand it at all.</p> + +<p>Lovely God's weather. Was not the mistress at home either?</p> + +<p>Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to +move herself.... Perhaps I would leave a message or something?</p> + +<p>No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, +just for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner.... I set out +on the road back--what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I +commenced to feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about +to break down in earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked +at the door an hour too late. The time of grace was over. I sat +down on one of the benches near the church in the market. Lord! how +black things began to look for me now! I did not cry; I was too +utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat there without trying +to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and starving. My +chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and sorely--nor +would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired of +that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown +orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at +once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill--the veins +swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was it I had really sought +after? Run about the whole live-long day for a shilling, that would +but keep life in me for a few hours longer. Considering all, was it +not a matter of indifference if the inevitable took place one day +earlier or one day later? If I had conducted myself like an +ordinary being I should have gone home long ago, and laid myself +down to rest, and given in. My mind was clear for a moment. Now I +was to die. It was in the time of the fall, and all things were +hushed to sleep. I had tried every means, exhausted every resource +of which I knew. I fondled this thought sentimentally, and each +time I still hoped for a possible succour I whispered +repudiatingly: "You fool, you have already begun to die."</p> + +<p>I ought to write a couple of letters, make all ready--prepare +myself. I would wash myself carefully and tidy my bed nicely. I +would lay my head upon the sheets of white paper, the cleanest +things I had left, and the green blanket. I ... The green blanket! +Like a shot I was wide awake. The blood mounted to my head, and I +got violent palpitation of the heart. I arise from the seat, and +start to walk. Life stirs again in all my fibres, and time after +time I repeat disconnectedly, "The green blanket--the green +blanket." I go faster and faster, as if it is a case of fetching +something, and stand after a little time in my tinker's workshop. +Without pausing a moment, or wavering in my resolution, I go over +to the bed, and roll up Hans Pauli's blanket. It was a strange +thing if this bright idea of mine couldn't save me. I rose +infinitely superior to the stupid scruples which sprang up in +me--half inward cries about a certain stain on my honour. I bade +good-bye to the whole of them. I was no hero--no virtuous idiot. I +had my senses left.</p> + +<p>So I took the blanket under my arm and went to No. 5 Stener's +Street. I knocked, and entered the big, strange room for the first +time. The bell on the door above my head gave a lot of violent +jerks. A man enters from a side room, chewing, his mouth is full of +food, and stands behind the counter.</p> + +<p>"Eh, lend me sixpence on my eye-glasses?" said I. "I shall +release them in a couple of days, without fail--eh?"</p> + +<p>"No! they're steel, aren't they?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"No; can't do it."</p> + +<p>"Ah, no, I suppose you can't. Well, it was really at best only a +joke. Well, I have a blanket with me for which, properly speaking, +I have no longer any use, and it struck me that you might take it +off my hands."</p> + +<p>"I have--more's the pity--a whole store full of bed-clothes," he +replied; and when I had opened it he just cast one glance over it +and said, "No, excuse me, but I haven't any use for that +either."</p> + +<p>"I wanted to show you the worse side first," said I; "it's much +better on the other side."</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay; it's no good. I won't own it; and you wouldn't raise a +penny on it anywhere."</p> + +<p>"No, it's clear it isn't worth anything," I said; "but I thought +it might go with another old blanket at an auction."</p> + +<p>"Well, no; it's no use."</p> + +<p>"Three pence?" said I.</p> + +<p>"No; I won't have it at all, man! I wouldn't have it in the +house!" I took it under my arm and went home.</p> + +<p>I acted as if nothing had passed, spread it over the bed again, +smoothed it well out, as was my custom, and tried to wipe away +every trace of my late action. I could not possibly have been in my +right mind at the moment when I came to the conclusion to commit +this rascally trick. The more I thought over it the more +unreasonable it seemed to me. It must have been an attack of +weakness; some relaxation in my inner self that had surprised me +when off my guard. Neither had I fallen straight into the trap. I +had half felt that I was going the wrong road, and I expressly +offered my glasses first, and I rejoiced greatly that I had not had +the opportunity of carrying into effect this fault which would have +sullied the last hours I had to live.</p> + +<p>I wandered out into the city again. I let myself sink upon one +of the seats by Our Saviour's Church; dozed with my head on my +breast, apathetic after my last excitement, sick and famished with +hunger. And time went by.</p> + +<p>I should have to sit out this hour, too. It was a little lighter +outside than in the house, and it seemed to me that my chest did +not pain quite so badly out in the open air. I should get home, +too, soon enough--and I dozed, and thought, and suffered +fearfully.</p> + +<p>I had found a little pebble; I wiped it clean on my coat sleeve +and put it into my mouth so that I might have something to mumble. +Otherwise I did not stir, and didn't even wink an eyelid. People +came and went; the noise of cars, the tramp of hoofs, and chatter +of tongues filled the air. I might try with the buttons. Of course +there would be no use in trying; and besides, I was now in a rather +bad way; but when I came to consider the matter closely, I would be +obliged, as it were, to pass in the direction of my "Uncle's" as I +went home. At last I got up, dragging myself slowly to my feet, and +reeled down the streets. It began to burn over my eyebrows--fever +was setting in, and I hurried as fast as I could. Once more I +passed the baker's shop where the little loaf lay. "Well, we must +stop here!" I said, with affected decision. But supposing I were to +go in and beg for a bit of bread? Surely that was a fleeting +thought, a flash; it could never really have occurred to me +seriously. "Fie!" I whispered to myself, and shook my head, and +held on my way. In Rebslager a pair of lovers stood in a doorway +and talked together softly; a little farther up a girl popped her +head out of a window. I walked so slowly and thoughtfully, that I +looked as if I might be deep in meditation on nothing in +particular, and the wench came out into the street. "How is the +world treating you, old fellow? Eh, what, are you ill? Nay, the +Lord preserve us, what a face!" and she drew away frightened. I +pulled up at once: What's amiss with my face? Had I really begun to +die? I felt over my cheeks with my hand; thin--naturally, I was +thin--my cheeks were like two hollowed bowls; but Lord ... I reeled +along again, but again came to a standstill; I must be quite +inconceivably thin. Who knows but that my eyes were sinking right +into my head? How did I look in reality? It was the very deuce that +one must let oneself turn into a living deformity for sheer +hunger's sake. Once more I was seized by fury, a last flaring up, a +final spasm. "Preserve me, what a face. Eh?" Here I was, with a +head that couldn't be matched in the whole country, with a pair of +fists that, by the Lord, could grind a navvy into finest dust, and +yet I went and hungered myself into a deformity, right in the town +of Christiania. Was there any rhyme or reason in that? I had sat in +saddle, toiled day and night like a carrier's horse.</p> + +<p>I had read my eyes out of their sockets, had starved the brains +out of my head, and what the devil had I gained by it? Even a +street hussy prayed God to deliver her from the sight of me. Well, +now, there should be a stop to it. Do you understand that? Stop it +shall, or the devil take a worse hold of me.</p> + +<p>With steadily increasing fury, grinding my teeth under the +consciousness of my impotence, with tears and oaths I raged on, +without looking at the people who passed me by. I commenced once +more to martyr myself, ran my forehead against lamp-posts on +purpose, dug my nails deep into my palms, bit my tongue with frenzy +when it didn't articulate clearly, and laughed insanely each time +it hurt much.</p> + +<p>Yes; but what shall I do? I asked myself at last, and I stamped +many times on the pavement and repeated, What shall I do? A +gentleman just going by remarks, with a smile, "You ought to go and +ask to be locked up." I looked after him. One of our well-known +lady's doctors, nicknamed "The Duke." Not even he understood my +real condition--a man I knew; whose hand I had shaken. I grew +quiet. Locked up? Yes, I was mad; he was right. I felt madness in +my blood; felt its darting pain through my brain. So that was to be +the end of me! Yes, yes; and I resume my wearisome, painful walk. +There was the haven in which I was to find rest.</p> + +<p>Suddenly I stop again. But not locked up! I say, not that; and I +grew almost hoarse with fear. I implored grace for myself; begged +to the wind and weather not to be locked up. I should have to be +brought to the guard- house again, imprisoned in a dark cell which +had not a spark of light in it. Not that! There must be other +channels yet open that I had not tried, and I would try them. I +would be so earnestly painstaking; would take good time for it, and +go indefatigably round from house to house. For example, there was +Cisler the music-seller; I hadn't been to him at all. Some remedy +would turn up!.... Thus I stumbled on, and talked until I brought +myself to weep with emotion. Cisler! Was that perchance a hint from +on high? His name had struck me for no reason, and he lived so far +away; but I would look him up all the same, go slowly, and rest +between times. I knew the place well; I had been there often, when +times were good had bought much music from him. Should I ask him +for sixpence? Perhaps that might make him feel uncomfortable. I +would ask him for a shilling. I went into the shop, and asked for +the chief. They showed me into his office; there he sat--handsome, +well-dressed in the latest style--running down some accounts. I +stammered through an excuse, and set forth my errand. Compelled by +need to apply to him ... it should not be very long till I could +pay it back ... when I got paid for my newspaper article.... He +would confer such a great benefit on me.... Even as I was speaking +he turned about to his desk, and resumed his work. When I had +finished, he glanced sideways at me, shook his handsome head, and +said, "No"; simply "no"--no explanation--not another word.</p> + +<p>My knees trembled fearfully, and I supported myself against the +little polished barrier. I must try once more. Why should just his +name have occurred to me as I stood far away from there in "It +won't be I that will do that," he observed; adding, "and let me +tell you, at the same time, I've had about enough of this."</p> + +<p>I tore myself out, sick with hunger, and boiling with shame. I +had turned myself into a dog for the sake of a miserable bone, and +I had not got it. Nay, now there must be an end of this! It had +really gone all too far with me. I had held myself up for many +years, stood erect through so many hard hours, and now, all at +once, I had sunk to the lowest form of begging. This one day had +coarsened my whole mind, bespattered my soul with shamelessness. I +had not been too abashed to stand and whine in the pettiest +huckster's shop, and what had it availed me?</p> + +<p>But was I not then without the veriest atom of bread to put +inside my mouth? I had succeeded in rendering myself a thing +loathsome to myself. Yes, yes; but it must come to an end. +Presently they would lock the outer door at home? I must hurry +unless I wished to lie in the guard-house again.</p> + +<p>This gave me strength. Lie in that cell again I would not. With +body bent forward, and my hands pressed hard against my left ribs +to deaden the stings a little, I struggled on, keeping my eyes +fastened upon the paving- stones that I might not be forced to bow +to possible acquaintances, and hastened to the fire look-out. God +be praised! it was only seven o'clock by the dial on Our Saviour's; +I had three hours yet before the door would be locked. What a +fright I had been in!</p> + +<p>Well, there was not a stone left unturned. I had done all I +could. To think that I really could not succeed once in a whole +day! If I told it no one could believe it; if I were to write it +down they would say I had invented it. Not in a single place! Well, +well, there is no help for it. Before all, don't go and get +pathetic again. Bah! how disgusting! I can assure you, it makes me +have a loathing for you. If all hope is over, why there is an end +of it. Couldn't I, for that matter, steal a handful of oats in the +stable? A streak of light--a ray--yet I knew the stable was +shut.</p> + +<p>I took my ease, and crept home at a slow snail's pace. I felt +thirsty, luckily for the first time through the whole day, and I +went and sought about for a place where I could get a drink. I was +a long distance away from the bazaar, and I would not ask at a +private house. Perhaps, though, I could wait till I got home; it +would take a quarter of an hour. It was not at all so certain that +I could keep down a draught of water, either; my stomach no longer +suffered in any way--I even felt nausea at the spittle I swallowed. +But the buttons! I had not tried the buttons at all yet. There I +stood, stock-still, and commenced to smile. Maybe there was a +remedy, in spite of all! I wasn't totally doomed. I should +certainly get a penny for them; tomorrow I might raise another some +place or other, and Thursday I might be paid for my newspaper +article. I should just see it would come out all right. To think +that I could really go and forget the buttons. I took them out of +my pocket, and inspected them as I walked on again. My eyes grew +dazed with joy. I did not see the street; I simply went on. Didn't +I know exactly the big pawn-shop--my refuge in the dark evenings, +with my blood-sucking friend? One by one my possessions had +vanished there--my little things from home--my last book. I liked +to go there on auction days, to look on, and rejoice each time my +books seemed likely to fall into good hands. Magelsen, the actor, +had my watch; I was almost proud of that. A diary, in which I had +written my first small poetical attempt, had been bought by an +acquaintance, and my topcoat had found a haven with a photographer, +to be used in the studio. So there was no cause to grumble about +any of them. I held my buttons ready in my hand; "Uncle" is sitting +at his desk, writing. "I am not in a hurry," I say, afraid of +disturbing him, and making him impatient at my application. My +voice sounded so curiously hollow I hardly recognized it again, and +my heart beat like a sledge-hammer.</p> + +<p>He came smilingly over to me, as was his wont, laid both his +hands flat on the counter, and looked at my face without saying +anything. Yes, I had brought something of which I would ask him if +he could make any use; something which is only in my way at home, +assure you of it--are quite an annoyance--some buttons. Well, what +then? what was there about the buttons? and he thrusts his eyes +down close to my hand. Couldn't he give me a couple of halfpence +for them?--whatever he thought himself--quite according to his own +judgment. "For the buttons?"--and "Uncle" stares astonishedly at +me--"for these buttons?" Only for a cigar or whatever he liked +himself; I was just passing, and thought I would look in.</p> + +<p>Upon this, the old pawnbroker burst out laughing, and returned +to his desk without saying a word. There I stood; I had not hoped +for much, yet, all the same, I had thought of a possibility of +being helped. This laughter was my death-warrant. It couldn't, I +suppose, be of any use trying with my eyeglasses either? Of course, +I would let my glasses go in with them; that was a matter of +course, said I, and I took them off. Only a penny, or if he wished, +a halfpenny.</p> + +<p>"You know quite well I can't lend you anything on your glasses," +said "Uncle"; I told you that once before."</p> + +<p>"But I want a stamp," I said, dully. "I can't even send off the +letters I have written; a penny or a halfpenny stamp, just as you +will."</p> + +<p>"Oh, God help you, go your way!" he replied, and motioned me off +with his hands.</p> + +<p>Yes, yes; well, it must be so, I said to myself. Mechanically, I +put on my glasses again, took the buttons in my hand, and, turning +away, bade him good-night, and closed the door after me as usual. +Well, now, there was nothing more to be done! To think he would not +take them at any price, I muttered. They are almost new buttons; I +can't understand it.</p> + +<p>Whilst I stood, lost in thought, a man passed by and entered the +office. He had given me a little shove in his hurry. We both made +excuses, and I turned round and looked after him.</p> + +<p>"What! is that you?" he said, suddenly, when half-way up the +steps. He came back, and I recognized him. "God bless me, man, what +on earth do you look like? What were you doing in there?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I had business. You are going in too, I see."</p> + +<p>"Yes; what were you in with?"</p> + +<p>My knees trembled; I supported myself against the wall, and +stretched out my hand with the buttons in it.</p> + +<p>"What the deuce!" he cried. "No; this is really going too +far."</p> + +<p>"Good-night!" said I, and was about to go; I felt the tears +choking my breast.</p> + +<p>"No; wait a minute," he said.</p> + +<p>What was I to wait for? Was he not himself on the road to my +"Uncle," bringing, perhaps, his engagement ring--had been hungry, +perhaps, for several days--owed his landlady?</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied; "if you will be out soon...."</p> + +<p>"Of course," he broke in, seizing hold of my arm; "but I may as +well tell you I don't believe you. You are such an idiot, that it's +better you come in along with me."</p> + +<p>I understood what he meant, suddenly felt a little spark of +pride, and answered:</p> + +<p>"I can't; I promised to be in Bernt Akers Street at half-past +seven, and...."</p> + +<p>"Half-past seven, quite so; but it's eight now. Here I am, +standing with the watch in my hand that I'm going to pawn. So, in +with you, you hungry sinner! I'll get you five shillings anyhow," +and he pushed me in.</p> + +<h2 class="spaced">Part III</h2> + +<p>A week passed in glory and gladness.</p> + +<p>I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every +day, and my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other +into the fire.</p> + +<p>I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor +brain of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I +fancied that I wrote with more facility than before.</p> + +<p>The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon +which I had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by +the editor; and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it +immediately, without even re-reading it again. In future, I would +try another paper in order to open up more fields for my work.</p> + +<p>Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come +to the worst, I still had the ships to take to. The <em>Nun</em> +lay alongside the wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work +my way out to Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there +was no lack of openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt +rather roughly with me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much +troubled with headaches, particularly in the morning, and my +nervousness died a hard death. I sat and wrote during the day with +my hands bound up in rags, simply because I could not endure the +touch of my own breath upon them. If Jens Olaj banged the stable +door underneath me, or if a dog came into the yard and commenced to +bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like icy stabs piercing me +from every side. I was pretty well played out.</p> + +<p>Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short +time it took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. +At this time both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn +over with notes and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, +added any new ideas which might have occurred to me during the day, +erased, or quickened here and there the dull points by a word of +colour--fagged and toiled at sentence after sentence, with the +greatest of pains. One afternoon, one of my articles being at +length finished, I thrust it, contented and happy, into my pocket, +and betook myself to the "commandor." It was high time I made some +arrangement towards getting a little money again; I had only a few +pence left.</p> + +<p>The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would +be disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.</p> + +<p>I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and +an enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, +bones and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous +chasm, this dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to +receive rejected work, newly crushed hopes.</p> + +<p>"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the +table.</p> + +<p>"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, +"the 28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple +of letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, +and lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks +at me. Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a +half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a +chair.</p> + +<p>I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat +on, when I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my +pocket.</p> + +<p>"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but +perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."</p> + +<p>He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through +them. His face is turned towards me.</p> + +<p>And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose +name I had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had +exercised the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His +hair is curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. +He has a habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch +minister could look milder than this truculent writer, whose pen +always left bleeding scars wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling +of awe and admiration comes over me in the presence of this man. +The tears are on the point of coming to my eyes, and I advanced a +step to tell him how heartily I appreciated him, for all he had +taught me, and to beg him not to hurt me; I was only a poor +bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time of it as it +was....</p> + +<p>He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst +he sat and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a +refusal, I stretch out my hand a little, and say:</p> + +<p>"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile +to give him the impression that I take it easily.</p> + +<p>"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use +to us," he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't +you try and write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon +something that people understand better?"</p> + +<p>His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is +rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not +to take up his time any longer, I reply:</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, I daresay I can."</p> + +<p>I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having +taken up his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door +handle.</p> + +<p>"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in +advance; you can write for it, you know."</p> + +<p>Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this +offer humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:</p> + +<p>"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very +much, all the same. Good-day!"</p> + +<p>"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to +his desk again.</p> + +<p>He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I +was grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it +too. I made a resolution not to return to him until I could take +something with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that +would astonish the "commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be +paid half-a-sovereign without a moment's hesitation. I went home, +and tackled my writing once more.</p> + +<p>During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight +o'clock and the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly +to me.</p> + +<p>As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the +labour and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands +under the lamp- post exactly opposite my door.</p> + +<p>She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when +I pass her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, +always the same thick veil that conceals her face and falls over +her breast, and that she carries in her hand a small umbrella with +an ivory ring in the handle. This was already the third evening I +had seen her there, always in the same place. As soon as I have +passed her by she turns slowly and goes down the street away from +me. My nervous brain vibrated with curiosity, and I became at once +possessed by the unreasonable feeling that I was the object of her +visit. At last I was almost on the point of addressing her, of +asking her if she was looking for any one, if she needed my +assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home. Badly +dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the +dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might +cost me something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money +left at all. My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too +depressing way upon me, and I had not even the courage to +scrutinize her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more +taken up its abode in my breast, and I had not tasted food since +yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was not a long period; I had +often been able to hold out for a couple of days at a time, but +latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I could not go +hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day made me +feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I +tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered +all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, +lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy +shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could +not keep out the draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose +stopped by the sharp outside frosty air which forced its way into +the dilapidated room.</p> + +<p>I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep +myself alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a +candle I would try to fag on through the night; it would only take +a couple of hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I +could call on the "commandor."</p> + +<p>I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my +young acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a +candle. I passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen +tables at which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed +into the back of the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without +succeeding in finding my man.</p> + +<p>Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the +street and took the direction to the Palace.</p> + +<p>Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think +that my hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious +strides, with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my +ears, and my hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, +cursing my unlucky stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled +hour in seven or eight months, not the common food necessary to +hold body and soul together for the space of one short week, before +want stared me in the face again. Here I had, into the bargain, +gone and kept straight and honourable all through my misery-- Ha! +ha! straight and honourable to the heart's core. God preserve me, +what a fool I had been! And I commenced to tell myself how I had +even gone about conscience-stricken because I had once brought Hans +Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I laughed sarcastically at my +delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in the street, and could +not find words half strong enough to mock myself for my stupidity. +Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment a +schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch +it up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole +night through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much +for nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do +anything.</p> + +<p>I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came +to the conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in +the park and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. +The streets were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all +directions, quiet pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. +The great hour had commenced, the pairing time when the mystic +traffic is in full swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. +Rustling petticoats, one or two still short, sensual laughter, +heaving bosoms, passionate, panting breaths, and far down near the +Grand Hotel, a voice calling "Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, +from which hot vapours exuded.</p> + +<p>I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The +passion that thrills through the movements of every one of the +passers-by, the dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant +night, all commence to affect me--this air, that is laden with +whispers, embraces, trembling admissions, concessions, half-uttered +words and suppressed cries. A number of cats are declaring their +love with loud yells in Blomquist's doorway. And I did not possess +even a florin! It was a misery, a wretchedness without parallel to +be so impoverished. What humiliation, too; what disgrace! I began +again to think about the poor widow's last mite, that I would have +stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a beggar's wallet, +that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more ado, and +caroused with the proceeds.</p> + +<p>In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some +measure--I take to picking all possible faults in the people who +glide by. I shrug my shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly +at them according as they pass. These easily-pleased, +confectionery-eating students, who fancy they are sowing their wild +oats in truly Continental style if they tickle a sempstress under +the ribs! These young bucks, bank clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who +would not disdain a sailor's wife; blowsy Molls, ready to fall down +in the first doorway for a glass of beer! What sirens! The place at +their side still warm from the last night's embrace of a watch-man +or a stable-boy! The throne always vacant, always open to +newcomers! Pray, mount!</p> + +<p>I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any +one. I felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who +scraped acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right +before my eyes. I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing +of being able to keep my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads +(Parliament Place) I met a girl who looked fixedly at me as I came +close to her.</p> + +<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p> + +<p>"Good-night!" She stopped.</p> + +<p>Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run +rather a risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really +not? Yes; but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak +plainly, asked to go along home with any one?</p> + +<p>She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to +see what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly +under my arm, and said:</p> + +<p>"Yes, and we went too!"</p> + +<p>I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the +car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:</p> + +<p>"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went +on.</p> + +<p>At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched +all my pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, +and called me a dry cod.</p> + +<p>"Good-night!" said I.</p> + +<p>"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've +got gold?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.</p> + +<p>A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out +to me:</p> + +<p>"You can come with me all the same!"</p> + +<p>I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street +wench, and I said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and +I was due at a place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices +of that kind.</p> + +<p>"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."</p> + +<p>"But I won't go with you in this way."</p> + +<p>"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."</p> + +<p>"No," I answered.</p> + +<p>But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of +this unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances +at least.</p> + +<p>"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me +now, Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew +more and more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then +believed that I, too, was one of those who went about the street at +night and ran after little girls? Did she really think so badly of +me? Had I perhaps said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did +one behave as I had done when one was actuated by any bad motive? +Briefly, in so many words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her +those few paces, to see how far she would go on with it. For the +rest, my name was So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, +and sin no more!" With these words I left her.</p> + +<p>I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and +soliloquized aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good +actions." Perhaps I had given this fallen creature an upward +impulse for her whole life; save her, once for all, from +destruction, and she would appreciate it when she came to think +over it; remember me yet in her hour of death with thankful heart. +Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright, and righteous!</p> + +<p>My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough +to face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I +might perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new +door-key in my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to +means of procuring a candle. There was no other way out of it. I +would have to take my writing materials with me into the street, +under a lamp-post. I opened the door, and went up to get my papers. +When I descended once more I locked the door from the outside, and +planted myself under the light. All around was quiet; I heard the +heavy clanking footstep of a constable down in Taergade, and far +away in the direction of St. Han's Hill a dog barked. There was +nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat collar up round my ears, +and commenced to think with all my might.</p> + +<p>It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky +enough to find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had +stuck just at a rather difficult point in it, where there ought to +be a quite imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a +subdued gliding finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a +climax as bold and as startling as a shot, or the sound of a +mountain avalanche--full stop. But the words would not come to me. +I read over the whole piece from the commencement; read every +sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely to crystallize my +thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating climax. And into +the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at this, the +constable came and, planting himself a little distance away from +me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I +stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the +<em>Commandor</em>? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to +keep my head above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed +there for the space of an hour. The constable went his way. The +cold began to get too intense for me to keep still. Disheartened +and despondent over this abortive effort, I opened the door again, +and went up to my room.</p> + +<p>It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the +intense darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, +and set about warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as +I had done for a long time now, with all my clothes on.</p> + +<p>The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, +and set to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had +succeeded by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and +still I had not found an ending.</p> + +<p>I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor +to try and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; +it was snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the +paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, +took aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, +leant my head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with +my forefinger on the floor, and then listened attentively, all +without any object, but quietly and pensively as if it were some +matter of importance in which I was engaged; and all the while I +murmured aloud, time upon time, so that I could hear my own +voice.</p> + +<p>But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just +as before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled +myself sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as +I could. There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, +and set myself resolutely to again.</p> + +<p>A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, +a score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to +try and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was +incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set +myself to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this +unfinished sheet of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters +that bristled up from the paper like small hairy creeping things, +till at last I could neither make head nor tail of any of it. I +thought on nothing.</p> + +<p>Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars +and tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the +stables as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and +moistened my lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do +anything; my chest was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I +sank more and more together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed +again. In order to warm my fingers a little I stroked them through +my hair backwards and forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts +came away, flakes that got between my fingers, and scattered over +the pillow. I did not think anything about it just then; it was as +if it did not concern me. I had hair enough left, anyway. I tried +afresh to shake myself out of this strange daze that enveloped my +whole being like a mist. I sat up, struck my knees with my flat +hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest permitted me--only to +collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying helplessly, with my +eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At length I stuck +my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it. Something +stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a +stark-mad notion.</p> + +<p>Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's +reflection, I shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.</p> + +<p>I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood +trickled from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very +much, neither was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound +to my senses. I shook my head, went to the window, where I found a +rag, and wound it round the sore place. As I stood and busied +myself with this, my eyes filled with tears; I cried softly to +myself. This poor thin finger looked so utterly pitiable. God in +Heaven! what a pass it had come to now with me! The gloom grew +closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that I might work up my +finale through the course of the evening, if I only had a candle. +My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as usual, and I +did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so badly as +some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next day. +Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to +the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known +in there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I +used to buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a +candle on the strength of my honest name; and for the first time +for ages I took to brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as +the darkness allowed me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt +my way down the stairs.</p> + +<p>When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might +perhaps rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to +consider. "On no account," I replied to myself at last; I was +unfortunately not in a condition to bear food. It would only be a +repetition of the same old story--visions, and presentiments, and +mad notions. My article would never get finished, and it was a +question of going to the "Commandor" before he had time to forget +me. On no account whatever! and I decided upon the candle. With +that I entered the shop.</p> + +<p>A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several +small parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of +her. The shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, +leaves the woman, and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of +paper and shoves it over to me.</p> + +<p>"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I +say. I say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and +spoil my chance of getting what I want.</p> + +<p>My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected +words; it was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a +loaf from him.</p> + +<p>"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies +himself with the woman's parcels again.</p> + +<p>She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, +out of which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy +and I are alone. He says:</p> + +<p>"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, +and takes one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I +can't get my request over my lips.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He +simply asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins +to count some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining +stout pieces. He gives me back change for a crown.</p> + +<p>"Much obliged," he says.</p> + +<p>Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am +conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not +think about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all +this wealth which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather +up the money mechanically.</p> + +<p>I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, +paralyzed. I take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn +my eyes upon a certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is +suspended to a leather collar, and underneath this a bundle of +string, and I stand and stare at these things.</p> + +<p>The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as +I take my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of +wrapping-papers strewn over the counter:</p> + +<p>"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"</p> + +<p>"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have +winter in earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: +"Ah, well, it is none too soon."</p> + +<p>I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear +as if it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely +unwittingly, involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.</p> + +<p>"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.</p> + +<p>I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the +door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and +that the shop-boy replied to me.</p> + +<p>I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was +torn open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any +astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money +into my hand, and prepared to give it back.</p> + +<p>"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.</p> + +<p>"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I +strolled on, down the street, bearing it in my hand.</p> + +<p>My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to +a lamp- post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in +spite of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly +helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the +money into my pocket, and walked on.</p> + +<p>Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned +over in my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to +take a little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and +plates inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation +was too strong for me--I entered.</p> + +<p>"A helping of beef," I say.</p> + +<p>"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the +lift.</p> + +<p>I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and +prepared to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I +felt tolerably well concealed, and set myself to have a serious +think. Every now and then the waitress glanced over at me +inquiringly. My first downright dishonesty was accomplished--my +first theft. Compared to this, all my earlier escapades were as +nothing--my first great fall.... Well and good! There was no help +for it. For that matter, it was open to me to settle it with the +shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion. It need not go +any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon myself to +live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no contract +that....</p> + +<p>"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks +down into the kitchen.</p> + +<p>But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy +were to get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction +about the bread, and the florin of which the woman got the change? +It was not impossible that he would discover it some day, perhaps +the next time I went there. Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my +shoulders unobserved.</p> + +<p>"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on +the table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so +dark here?"</p> + +<p>"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness +touches me at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever +change remains into her hand, close her fingers over it. She +smiles, and I say in fun, with the tears near my ears, "There, +you're to have the balance to buy yourself a farm.... Ah, you're +very welcome to it."</p> + +<p>I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, +swallowed whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an +animal-like way at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a +cannibal.</p> + +<p>The waitress came over to me again.</p> + +<p>"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a +little towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost +shyly, and dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever +you like best ... from me ... without ... that is, if you +will...."</p> + +<p>"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another +time."</p> + +<p>She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her +head. What a singular creature!</p> + +<p>When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea +already. The waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the +light--afraid to show myself too plainly to the young girl, who +never for a moment suspected the depth of my misery; so I wished +her a hasty good-night, bowed to her, and left.</p> + +<p>The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and +could not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my +mouth a little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to +master this nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched +my hands, and tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and +gulped down furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I +sprang at last into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded +with the water which gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I +was seized with bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... +I cursed the cruel powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted +me so, consigned them to hell's damnation and eternal torments for +their petty persecution. There was but little chivalry in fate, +really little enough chivalry; one was forced to admit that.</p> + +<p>I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him +in great haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a +man who had been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life +and death, I said; he couldn't even keep beef down.</p> + +<p>"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered +the man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking +for?"</p> + +<p>"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be +half a bad notion;" and I go.</p> + +<p>I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for +some boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, +swallowed it greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. +I took the road home.</p> + +<p>Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning +against the lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a +person of whom I get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady +dressed in black again. The same black-clad lady of the other +evenings. There could be no mistake about it; she had turned up at +the same spot for the fourth time. She is standing perfectly +motionless. I find this so peculiar that I involuntarily slacken my +pace. At this moment my thoughts are in good working order, but I +am much excited; my nerves are irritated by my last meal. I pass +her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the point of +entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes me. +Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go +straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.</p> + +<p>"Good-evening."</p> + +<p>"Good-evening," she answers.</p> + +<p>Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her +before; could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, +by-the-way, so earnestly for inquiring.</p> + +<p>Yes; she didn't quite know....</p> + +<p>No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and +myself; it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's +workshop.... She was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking +any one there.</p> + +<p>At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for +anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... +she stops.</p> + +<p>Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening +after evening, just for a whim's sake!</p> + +<p>That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it +perplexed me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I +jingled my money in my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, +to come and have a glass of wine some place or another ... in +consideration that winter had come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take +very long ... but perhaps she would scarcely....</p> + +<p>Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do +that; but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She +... it was rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous +about going up Carl Johann after it got so late.</p> + +<p>We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful +feeling empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I +looked at her the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the +warmth that irradiated from her body; the perfume of woman that +accompanied her; the sweet breath every time she turned her face +towards me--everything penetrated in an ungovernable way through +all my senses. So far, I just caught a glimpse of a full, rather +pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom that curved out +against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty which I +surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me, +making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could +not endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my +fingers over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.</p> + +<p>"How queer you are," said I.</p> + +<p>"Am I, really; in what way?"</p> + +<p>Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing +outside a stable door, evening after evening, without any object +whatever, just for a whim's sake....</p> + +<p>Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she +liked staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a +great fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?</p> + +<p>I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to +bed before twelve o'clock at night.</p> + +<p>Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this +little tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing +so. She lived up in St. Olav's Place.</p> + +<p>"Ylajali," I cried.</p> + +<p>"I beg pardon?"</p> + +<p>"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."</p> + +<p>She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with +her mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was +there anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?</p> + +<p>"No, not at all," I replied.</p> + +<p>"No? well, what then?"</p> + +<p>I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.</p> + +<p>Hadn't she a sister?</p> + +<p class="poetry">Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I +know that? She had gone to Hamburg.</p> + +<p>"Lately?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a +sister?</p> + +<p>I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.</p> + +<p>We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his +arm; otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at +the Tivoli a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer +snows; the sky is clear.</p> + +<p>"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the +lady, suddenly looking at me.</p> + +<p>Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition +known at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, +it was delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in +ignorance yet a while longer. So I lied. I answered:</p> + +<p>"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, +"Have you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"</p> + +<p>"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"</p> + +<p>Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? +Into that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would +be filled with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby +clothes, and lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no +waistcoat on....</p> + +<p>"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"</p> + +<p>And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made +use; a few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. +What would one expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it +did not interest me in the least to see animals in cases. These +animals know that one is standing staring at them; they feel +hundreds of inquisitive looks upon them; are conscious of them. No; +I would prefer to see animals that didn't know one observed them; +shy creatures that nestle in their lair, and lie with sluggish +green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?</p> + +<p>Yes; I was certainly right in that.</p> + +<p>It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and +peculiar savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy +tread in the total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the +woods; the shrieks of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of +blood, the rumbling in space; in short, the reigning spirit of the +kingdom of savage creatures hovering over savagery ... the +unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid this bored her. The +consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew, and crushed me. +If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to have given her +the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could not make +out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself be +accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked +beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was +I walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at +nothing? Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be +worried into a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap +it did not cost me an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go +right into my heart at even the gentlest puff of wind that blew +against us? Was not madness running riot in my brain, just for lack +of food for many months at a stretch? Yet she hindered me from +going home to get even a little milk into my parched mouth; a +spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps be able to keep down. +Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go to the +deuce?...</p> + +<p>I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last +extremity. I said:</p> + +<p>"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I +disgrace you right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. +Yes, it is positively true; I mean it."</p> + +<p>She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she +exclaims suddenly:</p> + +<p>"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean by that?" I queried.</p> + +<p>"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far +now"; and she walked on a little faster.</p> + +<p>We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights +in St. Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.</p> + +<p>"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me +your name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift +up your veil so that I can see you? I would be really so +grateful."</p> + +<p>A pause. I walked on in expectation.</p> + +<p>"You have seen me before," she replies.</p> + +<p>"Ylajali," I say again.</p> + +<p>"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right +home. Were you tipsy that time?"</p> + +<p>I could hear again that she smiled.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."</p> + +<p>"That was horrid of you!"</p> + +<p>And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.</p> + +<p>We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many +lighted windows of No. 2.</p> + +<p>"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank +you for coming so far."</p> + +<p>I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood +bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.</p> + +<p>"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she +asks, in a low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.</p> + +<p>"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you +only would!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; but only a little way."</p> + +<p>And we turned round.</p> + +<p>I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on +my head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; +turned it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. +It seemed to me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to +destruction. She had expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my +notion, it was her own desire. I walk on and look at her, and get +more and more bold. She encourages me, draws me to her by each word +she speaks. I forget for a moment my poverty, my humble position, +my whole miserable condition. I feel my blood course madly through +my whole body, as in the days before I caved in, and resolved to +feel my way by a little ruse.</p> + +<p>"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It +was your sister."</p> + +<p>"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. +She stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an +answer. She puts the question in all sober earnest.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of +the two ladies who went on in front of me."</p> + +<p>"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, +loudly, heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said +that just to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; +but you may just wait till you are blue first ... just for +punishment."</p> + +<p>We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. +I do not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had +seen me once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then +comrades with me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly +have been tipsy that time too, more's the shame.</p> + +<p>Why did she think that?</p> + +<p>Oh, I had laughed so.</p> + +<p>"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."</p> + +<p>"But now not any more?"</p> + +<p>"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist +sometimes."</p> + +<p>We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," +and we returned through University Street. When we arrived at the +fountain once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I +could not go any farther with her.</p> + +<p>"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I suppose I must."</p> + +<p>But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the +door with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in +that, could there?</p> + +<p>"No," I replied.</p> + +<p>But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted +me clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so +broken down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, +disfigured by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough +to make one sink into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head +involuntarily, and said:</p> + +<p>"May I not meet you any more then?"</p> + +<p>I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost +wished for a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render +me callous.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.</p> + +<p>"When?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know."</p> + +<p>A pause....</p> + +<p>"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a +minute," I asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. +Just for one moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking +to."</p> + +<p>Another pause....</p> + +<p>"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. +"Will you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."</p> + +<p>"At eight o'clock."</p> + +<p>"Very well."</p> + +<p>I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse +for touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.</p> + +<p>"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was +smiling again.</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over +her forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.</p> + +<p>"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms +round my neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly, +bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her +bosom heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself +suddenly out of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, +whispering, and turned and ran up the stairs without a word +more....</p> + +<p>The hall door shut.</p> + +<hr> +<p>It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with +rain; great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. +The air was raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a +strange state of confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone +evening by the agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture +(I had lain a while awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread +out my arms and embraced myself and kissed the air. At length I +dragged myself out of bed and procured a fresh cup of milk, and +straight on top of that a plate of beef. I was no longer hungry, +but my nerves were in a highly-strung condition.</p> + +<p>I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me +that I might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to +put on under my coat; it didn't matter what.</p> + +<p>I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began +to examine it.</p> + +<p>While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and +called up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He +was a designer, and was on the way to his office.</p> + +<p>"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, +I haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with +yesterday evening?"</p> + +<p class="poetry">"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare +thought. "Supposing it was my <em>fiancée</em>."</p> + +<p>"By Jove!" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."</p> + +<p>This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I +lied in the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered +the beer, drank it, and left.</p> + +<p>"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few +shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, +but now you shall have them during the next few days."</p> + +<p>"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me +back the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost +immediately to my head. The thought of the previous evening's +adventure overwhelmed me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not +to meet me on Tuesday! Supposing she were to begin to think things +over, to get suspicious ... get suspicious of what?... My thoughts +gave a jerk and dwelt upon the money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid +of myself. The theft rushed in upon me in all its details. I saw +the little shop, the counter, my lean hands as I seized the money, +and I pictured to myself the line of action the police would adopt +when they would come to arrest me. Irons on my hands and feet; no, +only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand. The dock, the clerk +taking down the evidence, the scratch of his pen--perhaps he might +take a new one for the occasion--his look, his threatening look. +There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally dark....</p> + +<p>Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, +walked faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat +down.</p> + +<p>Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove +that I had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an +alarm, even if it should occur to him some day how it had all +happened. He valued his situation far too dearly for that. No +noise, no scenes, may I beg!</p> + +<p>But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and +gave me no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly +convinced that I had been happier before, during the period in +which I had suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not +polluted her with the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my +God, Ylajali! I felt as drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and +went straight over to the cake woman who was sitting near the +chemist's under the sign of the elephant. I might even yet lift +myself above dishonour; it was far from being too late; I would +show the whole world that I was capable of doing so.</p> + +<p>On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every +farthing of it in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as +if I wanted something, clapped the money without further ado into +her hands. I spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my +way.</p> + +<p>What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest +man once more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was +simply a delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed +the whole matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much +secret anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and +shuddering time upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable +nature rebelled against such a low action. God be praised, I had +raised myself in my own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I +said to myself, looking across the thronged market-place-- "only +just do as I have done!" I had gladdened a poor old cake vendor to +such good purpose that she was perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her +children wouldn't go hungry to bed.... I buoyed myself up with +these reflections and considered that I had behaved in a most +exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was out of my hands +now!</p> + +<p>Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with +satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and +honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away +with me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and +buoyant; it was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and +gleamed on my shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest +pranks, to do something astounding, to set the whole town in a +ferment. All up through Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. +There was a buzzing in my ears, and intoxication ran riot in my +brains. The whim seized me to go and tell my age to a +commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed a word to me; to +take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his face, and +leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished every +nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some +little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying +the expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of +tokens and signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at +Parliament Place. I stand all at once stock-still, and look at the +droskes; the drivers are wandering about, chatting and laughing. +The horses hang their heads and cower in the bitter weather. "Go +ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig with my elbow. I went hurriedly +over to the first vehicle, and got in. "Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I +called out, and we rolled off.</p> + +<p>On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several +times into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. +Had he, too, grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my +miserable attire had attracted his attention.</p> + +<p>"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be +beforehand with him, and I explained gravely that I must really +meet this man. We stop outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the +stairs right to the third storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It +gives six or seven fearful peals inside.</p> + +<p>A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has +round, gold drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey +bodice. She looks at me with a frightened air.</p> + +<p>I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add +further--a wool- dealer; in short, not a man one could make a +mistake about....</p> + +<p>The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.</p> + +<p>She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made +no effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew +the person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to +reflect a bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, +and ran downstairs again.</p> + +<p>"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.</p> + +<p>"Wasn't he there?"</p> + +<p>"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most +violent excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to +the driver. He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, +and he drove on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse +sharply.</p> + +<p>"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the +box.</p> + +<p>"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."</p> + +<p>And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be +likely to make any mistake about.</p> + +<p>"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"</p> + +<p>"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you +think it is a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light +morning-coat came most inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for +me such as I had fancied him.</p> + +<p>"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"</p> + +<p>"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? +The name doesn't disgrace any one."</p> + +<p>"Hasn't he red hair?"</p> + +<p>Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that +the driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he +was right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to +inform him that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just +as he described him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be +a phenomenon to see such a man without red hair.</p> + +<p>"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he +had a knobbed stick."</p> + +<p class="poetry">This brought the man vividly before me, and I +said, "Ha, ha! I suppose no one has ever yet seen the man without a +knobbed stick in his hand, of that you can be certain, quite +certain."</p> + +<p>Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He +recognized him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck +sparks as they touched the stones.</p> + +<p>All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second +lost my presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his +number is 69. This number struck me with such vivid clearness that +it penetrated like a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I +wouldn't forget it.</p> + +<p>I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; +crouched under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my +lips and commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages +through my brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am +succumbing to influences over which I have no control. I begin to +laugh, silently, passionately, without a trace of cause, still +merry and intoxicated from the couple of glasses of ale I have +drunk. Little by little my excitement abates, my calm returns more +and more to me. I feel the cold in my sore finger, and I stick it +down inside my collar to warm it a little. At length we reach +Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.</p> + +<p>I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head +heavy. I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I +pass. I come to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself +in a lobby, a sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two +boxes in it, one on top of the other, in one corner, and against +the wall an old, painted sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To +the right, in the next room, I hear voices and the cry of a child, +and above me, on the second floor, the sound of an iron plate being +hammered. All this I notice the moment as I enter.</p> + +<p>I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any +haste, without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in +Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed. +"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."</p> + +<p>It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver +who is waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without +fear of being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in +wool, who has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose +existence I believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I +should meet--had vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many +other mad whims which came and went in turns. I recalled him no +longer, except as a reminiscence--a phantom.</p> + +<p>In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt +languid and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still +fell in great moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, +near the church, I sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by +looked at me with much astonishment. I fell a-thinking.</p> + +<p>Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so +heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not +find it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. +Adversity had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. +I had become so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere +shadow of what I once had been; my shoulders were sunken right down +on one side, and I had contracted a habit of stooping forward +fearfully as I walked, in order to spare my chest what little I +could. I had examined my body a few days ago, one noon up in my +room, and I had stood and cried over it the whole time. I had worn +the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite stiff with stale +sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and water ran out of +the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very tiresome to +have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had no remedy +for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it, dried +it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for it, +it....</p> + +<p>I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad +enough. I loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the +loose, almost coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, +disgusts me. I feel myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean +fingers. I hate the whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink +from bearing it, from feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole +thing would come to an end now, I would heartily, gladly die!</p> + +<p>Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own +estimation, I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps +homewards. On the way I passed a door, upon which the following was +to be read on a plate-- "Winding-sheets to be had at Miss +Andersen's, door to the right." Old memories! I muttered, as my +thoughts flew back to my former room in Hammersborg. The little +rocking-chair, the newspapers near the door, the lighthouse +director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the baker's new- baked +bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than now; one night I +had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't write +anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes, I +would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.</p> + +<p>As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the +half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to +stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the +steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in +her hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy +and I stand face to face alone for the second time.</p> + +<p>"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What +did this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at +once? I got furious, and cried:</p> + +<p>"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."</p> + +<p>This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster +brain fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have +cheated him of five shillings.</p> + +<p>"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query +impatiently, and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble +and am ready to use force if he doesn't come to the point.</p> + +<p>But the poor man has no misgivings.</p> + +<p>Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with +in this world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how +it had all happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, +where the money had lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and +closed my fingers over it-- and he takes it all in and does +nothing. He shifts uneasily from one foot to the other, listens for +footsteps in the next room, make signs to hush me, to try and make +me speak lower, and says at last:</p> + +<p>"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"</p> + +<p>"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to +aggravate him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in +his huckster head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could +never have entered my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any +benefit from it--that was opposed to my thoroughly honest +nature.</p> + +<p>"What did you do with it, then?"</p> + +<p>"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He +must understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't +forget the poor so....</p> + +<p>He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very +dubious as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he +says:</p> + +<p>"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"</p> + +<p>"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into +trouble in any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being +generous. Here I stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you +simply, instead of being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle +the dispute with me. Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for +the rest, I say, 'The devil take you!' Good- day."</p> + +<p>I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my +room, into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, +trembling in my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted +instantly from my high horse, and sank together once more.</p> + +<p>I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched +myself by the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and +behaved like a lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly +terror for the sake of his situation; he had not dared to make any +fuss about the five shillings that were lost to the business, and I +had taken advantage of his fear, had tortured him with my violent +address, stabbed him with every loud word that I had roared out. +And the master himself had perhaps been sitting inside the inner +room, almost within an ace of feeling called upon to come out and +inquire what was the row. No, there was no longer any limit to the +low things I might be tempted to do.</p> + +<p>Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an +end. I would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. +I would not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, +I would have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my +life for one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of +lentils! Hear me only this once!...</p> + +<p>I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I +might die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up +my bed a little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me +in the morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.</p> + +<p>All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have +forgotten her the entire evening through! And light forces its way +ever so faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that +makes me so blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, +silken, balmy light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And +the sun grows stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, +seethes fiercely and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, +a maddening pyre of rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and +earth in conflagration men and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, +devils of fire, an abyss, a wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in +brazen ignition, a smoking, smouldering day of doom!</p> + +<p>And I saw and heard no more....</p> + +<hr> +<p>I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole +body bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At +first I had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked +about me in amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, +absolutely failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own +arms and down my legs, was struck with astonishment that the window +was where it was, and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear +the tramp of the horses' feet in the yard below as if it came from +above me. I felt rather sick, too--qualmish.</p> + +<p>My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on +my elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in +patches. My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but +they caused me no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they +were too stiff.</p> + +<p>As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a +little dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the +room a little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care +to keep my balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not +suffer much, and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into +consideration, sad. On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It +did not strike me just then that anything could be otherwise than +it was.</p> + +<p>Then I went out.</p> + +<p>The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea +that the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to +be sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, +which grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my +breast; carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as +if a score of diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one +side and gnawed for a little, then laid their heads on the other +side and gnawed a little more, then lay quite still for a moment's +space, and then began afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without +any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere after them as they went +on....</p> + +<p>I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of +going to the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and +wearisome; at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner +of the market and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes +and blinded me, and I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a +little. I did not notice the place I was standing in; in fact, I +did not think about it; the noise around me was something +frightful.</p> + +<p>Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this +cry--hear it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, +stepping as quickly as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a +bread-van brushes past me, and the wheel grazes my coat; I might +perhaps have been a little quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, +there was no help for it; one foot pained me, a couple of toes were +crunched. I felt that they, as it were, curled up in my shoes.</p> + +<p>The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round +on the van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it +might have been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so +dangerous.... I didn't think any bones were broken. Oh, +pray....</p> + +<p>I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people +who stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no +mortal blow; comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, +as misfortune was bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that +my shoe was crushed to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. +I help up my foot, and saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't +intentional on either side; it was not the man's purpose to make +things worse for me than they were; he looked much concerned about +it. It was quite certain that if I had begged him for a piece of +bread out of his cart he would have given it to me. He would +certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him in return, +wherever he is!...</p> + +<p>I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself +and my shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, +and bowed my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. +When it got dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I +got there--and sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket +out of my coat and took to chewing it; not with any defined object, +but with dour mien and unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. +I could hear a group of little children playing around near me, and +perceive, in an instinctive sort of way, some pedestrians pass me +by; otherwise I observed nothing.</p> + +<p>All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars +underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the +balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend +the steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, +I called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a +threatening backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up +there, and boldly addressed the first butcher I met.</p> + +<p>"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I +said; "only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to +give him something to carry in his mouth."</p> + +<p>I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still +remained a morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the +man so heartily that he looked at me in amazement.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," +and I ascended the steps again.</p> + +<p>My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into +one of the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, +and stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. +There was no light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all +around me; and I began to gnaw at the bone.</p> + +<p>It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was +forced to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only +keep it down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was +simply a matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited +again. I grew wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, +and gulped it down by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no +use. Just as soon as the little fragments of meat became warm in my +stomach up they came again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in +frenzy, burst into tears from sheer helplessness, and gnawed away +as one possessed. I cried, so that the bone got wet and dirty with +my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned again, cried as if my heart +would break, and vomited anew. I consigned all the powers that be +to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.</p> + +<p>Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of +the most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I +cry with gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which +might satisfy me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of +all my efforts, it avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I +am filled with the most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my +fists towards Heaven; yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers +like claws, with ill-suppressed fury....</p> + +<p>I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, +if you did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with +the fire of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and +you repulsed me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, +because you did not know your time of visitation! I tell you that I +am about to die, and yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with +death staring me in the face--I tell you, I would rather be a +bondsman in hell than a freedman in your mansions! I tell you, I am +filled with a blissful contempt for your divine paltriness; and I +choose the abyss of destruction for a perpetual resort, where the +devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!</p> + +<p>I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's +most crass- headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell +you, you have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most +cherished harlots from here below, who have bent their knees +piteously before you at their hour of death! I tell you, you have +used force against me, and you know not, you omniscient nullity, +that I never bend in opposition! I tell you, all my life, every +cell in my body, every power of my soul, gasps to mock you--you +Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would, if I could, breathe +it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf, every dewdrop +in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day of doom, +and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your Deity's +boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce all +thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell +on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I +tell you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you +farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart +and reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am +silent, and turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.</p> + +<p>I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same +spot, still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing +after the violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my +frenzied outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, +hiccough and whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear +voices--a conversation between two men who are coming down the +passage. I slink away from the door, drag myself along the walls of +the houses, and come out again into the light streets. As I jog +along Young's Hill my brain begins to work in a most peculiar +direction. It occurs to me that the wretched hovels down at the +corner of the market- place, the stores for loose materials, the +old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a disgrace to the +place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market, and were a +blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned over in +my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the +Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had +always attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps +not be possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or +three hundred pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must +admit, a tidy enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to +make a start with, eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it +was a tidy enough bit of pocket-money to make a start with. I was +still trembling over my whole body, and hiccoughed now and then +violently after my cry. I had a feeling that there was not much +life left in me--that I was really singing my last verse. It was +almost a matter of indifference to me; it did not trouble me in the +least. On the contrary, I wended my way down town, down to the +wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I would, for that +matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the street to die. +My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous. My sore foot +throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was creeping +up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any particular +distress. I had endured worse sensations.</p> + +<p>In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no +traffic, no noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a +labourer or sailor slinking round with their hands in their +pockets. I took notice of a lame man, who looked sharply at me as +we passed one another. I stopped him instinctively, touched my hat, +and inquired if he knew if the Nun had sailed. Someway, I couldn't +help snapping my fingers right under the man's nose, and saying, +"Ay, by Jove, the <em>Nun</em>; yes, the <em>Nun</em>!" which I had +totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had been +smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.</p> + +<p>Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.</p> + +<p>He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?</p> + +<p>The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in +the air; it dangles a little.</p> + +<p>"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in +here?"</p> + +<p>"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in +the <em>Nun</em>, and I asked the man how far it might be to +Holmestrand, reckoned in good old geographical miles.</p> + +<p>"To Holmestrand? I should think..."</p> + +<p>"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"</p> + +<p>"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."</p> + +<p>"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him +again. "You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit +of tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"</p> + +<p>I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I +made no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept +his eye on me-- perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other +way or another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his +suspicious look following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by +this creature. I turn round, and, dragging myself back to him, +say:</p> + +<p>"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked +fixedly at him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring +fearfully at him. It was as if I saw him with my entire body +instead of only with my eyes. I stare for a while after I give +utterance to this word, and then I jog along again to the railway +square. The man does not utter a syllable, he only keeps his gaze +fixed upon me.</p> + +<p>"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I +had a feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I +had met him before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I +pawned my waistcoat. It seemed to me an eternity since that +day.</p> + +<p>Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself +against a house wall at the corner of the railway square and +Harbour Street. Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to +crawl away. As I do not succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead +of me and fling all shame to the winds. There is no help for it. I +am standing face to face with the "Commandor." I get +devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther from the wall in +order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake his +compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the +pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged +him to walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him +good-evening.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. +He slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I +would have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has +come yet!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got +it finished, then?"</p> + +<p>"No, it didn't get finished."</p> + +<p>My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, +and I cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The +"Commandor" tweaks his nose and looks at me.</p> + +<p>"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he +questions.</p> + +<p>"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything +today, but...."</p> + +<p>"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and +starve yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.</p> + +<p>This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger +over to the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, +and he hands me half-a-sovereign.</p> + +<p>He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign, +reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me +starve to death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all +at once. It is shameful of me to ... it was really too much....</p> + +<p>"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting +for the train; I hear it coming now."</p> + +<p>I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I +didn't even thank him once.</p> + +<p>"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the +"Commandor" at last. "I know you can write for it."</p> + +<p>And so off he went.</p> + +<p>When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I +had not thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake +him, but could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I +came near tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away +from me. I gave up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but +dared not; and when after all I did muster up courage enough and +called once or twice, he was already at too great a distance, and +my voice had become too weak.</p> + +<p>I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept +quietly and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He +gave me half-a- sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where +he had stood, imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up +to my moistened eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to +swear--to swear at the top of my voice, that there was no manner of +doubt that what I held in my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour +after, maybe--a very long hour, for it had grown very silent all +around me--I stood, singularly enough, outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. +After I had stood and collected my wits for a moment and wondered +thereat, I went through the door for the second time, right into +the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here I asked for +shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.</p> + +<hr> +<p>Tuesday.</p> + +<p>Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had +disappeared. There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and +laughter everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in +jets, golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....</p> + +<p>At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived +and found fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the +merriest humour, and lazied about the whole afternoon through the +most frequented streets and looked at the people. Even before seven +o'clock I took a turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look +up at the window of No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about +the whole time in a state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would +happen? What should I say when she came down the stairs? +Good-evening? or only smile? I concluded to let it rest with the +smile. Of course I would bow profoundly to her.</p> + +<p>I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up +Carl Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. +When the clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's +Place. On the way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few +minutes too late, and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My +foot was very sore, otherwise nothing ailed me.</p> + +<p>I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood +there a long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did +not come. Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be +delayed, and I waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the +whole thing! Had my first meeting with her only existed in +imagination the night I lay in delirium? I began in perplexity to +think over it, and wasn't at all sure.</p> + +<p>"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light +steps near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the +wide staircase before me.</p> + +<p>"Good-evening," came then. I forget to smile; I don't even take +off my hat at first, I am so taken aback to see her come this +way.</p> + +<p>"Have you been waiting long?" she asks. She is breathing a +little quickly after her walk.</p> + +<p>"No, not at all; I only came a little while ago," I reply. "And +besides, would it matter if I had waited long? I expected, +by-the-way, that you would come from another direction."</p> + +<p>"I accompanied mamma to some people. Mamma is spending the +evening with them."</p> + +<p>"Oh, indeed," I say.</p> + +<p>We had begun to walk on involuntarily. A policeman is standing +at the corner, looking at us.</p> + +<p>"But, after all, where are we going to?" she asks, and +stops.</p> + +<p>"Wherever you wish; only where <em>you</em> wish."</p> + +<p>"Ugh, yes! but it's such a bore to have to decide oneself."</p> + +<p>A pause.</p> + +<p>Then I say, merely for the sake of saying something:</p> + +<p>"I see it's dark up in your windows."</p> + +<p>"Yes, it is," she replies gaily; "the servant has an evening +off, too, so I am all alone at home."</p> + +<p>We both stand and look up at the windows of No. 2 as if neither +of us had seen them before.</p> + +<p>"Can't we go up to your place, then?" I say; "I shall sit down +at the door the whole time if you like."</p> + +<p>But then I trembled with emotion, and regretted greatly that I +had perhaps been too forward. Supposing she were to get angry, and +leave me. Suppose I were never to see her again. Ah, that miserable +attire of mine! I waited despairingly for her reply.</p> + +<p>"You shall certainly not sit down by the door," she says. She +says it right down tenderly, and says accurately these words: "You +shall certainly not sit down by the door."</p> + +<p>We went up.</p> + +<p>Out on the lobby, where it was dark, she took hold of my hand, +and led me on. There was no necessity for my being so quiet, she +said, I could very well talk. We entered. Whilst she lit the +candle--it was not a lamp she lit, but a candle--whilst she lit the +candle, she said, with a little laugh:</p> + +<p class="poetry">"But now you mustn't look at me. Ugh! I am so +ashamed, but I will never do it again."</p> + +<p>"What will you never do again?"</p> + +<p>"I will never ... ugh ... no ... good gracious ... I will never +kiss you again!"</p> + +<p>"Won't you?" I said, and we both laughed. I stretched out my +arms to her, and she glided away; slipped round to the other side +of the table. We stood a while and gazed at one another; the candle +stood right between us.</p> + +<p>"Try and catch me," she said; and with much laughter I tried to +seize hold of her. Whilst she sprang about, she loosened her veil, +and took off her hat; her sparkling eyes hung on mine, and watched +my movements. I made a fresh sortie, and tripped on the carpet and +fell, my sore foot refusing to bear me up any longer. I rose in +extreme confusion.</p> + +<p>"Lord, how red you did get!" she said. "Well it was awfully +awkward of you."</p> + +<p>"Yes, it was," I agreed, and we began the chase afresh.</p> + +<p>"It seems to me you limp."</p> + +<p>"Yes; perhaps I do--just a little--only just a little, for that +matter."</p> + +<p>"Last time you had a sore finger, now you have got a sore foot; +it is awful the number of afflictions you have."</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes. I was run over slightly, a few days ago."</p> + +<p>"Run over! Tipsy again? Why, good heavens! what a life you lead, +young man!" and she threatened me with her forefinger, and tried to +appear grave. "Well, let us sit down, then; no, not down there by +the door; you are far too reserved! Come here--you there, and I +here--so, that's it ... ugh, it's such a bore with reticent people! +One has to say and do everything oneself; one gets no help to do +anything. Now, for example, you might just as well put your arm +over the back of my chair; you could easily have thought of that +much out of your own head, couldn't you? But if I say anything like +that, you open your eyes as wide as if you couldn't believe what +was being said. Yes, it is really true; I have noticed it several +times; you are doing it now, too; but you needn't try to persuade +me that you are always so modest; it is only when you don't dare to +be otherwise than quiet. You were daring enough the day you were +tipsy--when you followed me straight home and worried me with your +witticisms. 'You are losing your book, madam; you are quite +certainly losing your book, madam!' Ha, ha, ha! it was really +shameless of you."</p> + +<p>I sat dejectedly and looked at her; my heart beat violently, my +blood raced quickly through my veins, there was a singular sense of +enjoyment in it!</p> + +<p>"Why don't you say something?"</p> + +<p>"What a darling you are," I cried. "I am simply sitting here +getting thoroughly fascinated by you--here this very moment +thoroughly fascinated.... There is no help for it.... You are the +most extraordinary creature that ... sometimes your eyes gleam so, +that I never saw their match; they look like flowers ... eh? No, +well, no, perhaps, not like flowers, either, but ... I am so +desperately in love with you, and it is so preposterous ... for, +great Scott! there is naturally not an atom of a chance for me.... +What is your name? Now, you really must tell me what you are +called."</p> + +<p>"No; what is <em>your</em> name? Gracious, I was nearly +forgetting that again! I thought about it all yesterday, that I +meant to ask you--yes, that is to say, not <em>all</em> yesterday, +but--"</p> + +<p>"Do you know what I named you? I named you Ylajali. How do you +like that? It has a gliding sound...."</p> + +<p>"Ylajali?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Is that a foreign language?"</p> + +<p>"Humph--no, it isn't that either!"</p> + +<p>"Well, it isn't ugly!"</p> + +<p>After a long discussion we told one another our names. She +seated herself close to my side on the sofa, and shoved the chair +away with her foot, and we began to chatter afresh.</p> + +<p>"You are shaved this evening, too," she said; look on the whole +a little better than the last time--that is to say, only just a +scrap better. Don't imagine ... no; the last time you were really +shabby, and you had a dirty rag round your finger into the bargain; +and in that state you absolutely wanted me to go to some place, and +take wine with you--thanks, not me!"</p> + +<p>"So it was, after all, because of my miserable appearance that +you would not go with me?" I said.</p> + +<p>"No," she replied and looked down. "No; God knows it wasn't. I +didn't even think about it."</p> + +<p>"Listen," said I; "you are evidently sitting here labouring +under the delusion that I can dress and live exactly as I choose, +aren't you? And that is just what I can't do; I am very, very +poor."</p> + +<p>She looked at me. "Are you?" she queried.</p> + +<p>"Yes, worse luck, I am."</p> + +<p>After an interval.</p> + +<p>"Well, gracious, so am I, too," she said, with a cheerful +movement of her head.</p> + +<p>Every one of her words intoxicated me, fell on my heart like +drops of wine. She enchanted me with the trick she had of putting +her head a little on one side, and listening when I said anything, +and I could feel her breath brush my face.</p> + +<p>"Do you know," I said, "that ... but, now, you mustn't get +angry--when I went to bed last night I settled this arm for you ... +so ... as if you lay on it ... and then I went to sleep."</p> + +<p>"Did you? That was lovely!" A pause. "But of course it could +only be from a distance that you would venture to do such a thing, +for otherwise...."</p> + +<p>"Don't you believe I could do it otherwise?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't believe it."</p> + +<p>"Ah, from me you may expect everything," I said, and I put my +arm around her waist.</p> + +<p>"Can I?" was all she said.</p> + +<p>It annoyed me, almost wounded me, that she should look upon me +as being so utterly inoffensive. I braced myself up, steeled my +heart, and seized her hand; but she withdrew it softly, and moved a +little away from me. That just put an end to my courage again; I +felt ashamed, and looked out through the window. I was, in spite of +all, in far too wretched a condition; I must, above all, not try to +imagine myself any one in particular. It would have been another +matter if I had met her during the time that I still looked like a +respectable human being--in my old, well- off days when I had +sufficient to make an appearance; and I felt fearfully +downcast!</p> + +<p>"There now, one can see!" she said, "now one can just see one +can snub you with just the tiniest frown--make you look sheepish by +just moving a little away from you" ... she laughed, tantalizingly, +roguishly, with tightly-closed eyes, as if she could not stand +being looked at, either.</p> + +<p>"Well, upon my soul!" I blurted out, "now you shall just see," +and I flung my arms violently around her shoulders. I was +mortified. Was the girl out of her senses? Did she think I was +totally inexperienced! Ha! Then I would, by the living.... No one +should say of me that I was backward on that score. The creature +was possessed by the devil himself! If it were only a matter of +going at it, well....</p> + +<p>She sat quite quietly, and still kept her eyes closed; neither +of us spoke. I crushed her fiercely to me, pressed her body +greedily against my breast, and she spoke never a word. I heard her +heart's beat, both hers and mine; they sounded like hurrying +hoofbeats.</p> + +<p>I kissed her.</p> + +<p>I no longer knew myself. I uttered some nonsense, that she +laughed at, whispered pet names into her mouth, caressed her cheek, +kissed her many times....</p> + +<p>She winds her arms about my neck, quite slowly, tenderly, the +breath of her pink quivering nostrils fans me right in the face; +she strokes down my shoulders with her left hand, and says, "What a +lot of loose hair there is."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I reply.</p> + +<p>"What can be the reason that your hair falls out so?"</p> + +<p>"Don't know."</p> + +<p>"Ah, of course, because you drink too much, and perhaps ... fie, +I won't say it. You ought to be ashamed. No, I wouldn't have +believed that of you! To think that you, who are so young, already +should lose your hair! Now, do please just tell me what sort of way +you really spend your life--I am certain it is dreadful! But only +the truth, do you hear; no evasions. Anyway, I shall see by you if +you hide anything--there, tell now!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; but let me kiss you first, then."</p> + +<p>"Are you mad?... Humph, ... I want to hear what kind of a man +you are.... Ah, I am sure it is dreadful."</p> + +<p>It hurt me that she should believe the worst of me; I was afraid +of thrusting her away entirely, and I could not endure the +misgivings she had as to my way of life. I would clear myself in +her eyes, make myself worthy of her, show her that she was sitting +at the side of a person almost angelically disposed. Why, bless me, +I could count my falls up to date on my fingers. I related--related +all--and I only related truth. I made out nothing any worse than it +was; it was not my intention to rouse her compassion. I told her +also that I had stolen five shillings one evening.</p> + +<p>She sat and listened, with open mouth, pale, frightened, her +shining eyes completely bewildered. I desired to make it good +again, to disperse the sad impression I had made, and I pulled +myself up.</p> + +<p>"Well, it is all over now!" I said; "there can be no talk of +such a thing happening again; I am saved now...."</p> + +<p>But she was much dispirited. "The Lord preserve me!" was all she +said, then kept silent. She repeated this at short intervals, and +kept silent after each "the Lord preserve me."</p> + +<p>I began to jest, caught hold of her, tried to tickle her, lifted +her up to my breast. I was irritated not a little--indeed, +downright hurt. Was I more unworthy in her eyes now, than if I had +myself been instrumental in causing the falling out of my hair? +Would she have thought more of me if I had made myself out to be a +<em>roué</em>?... No nonsense now;... it was just a matter of going +at it; and if it was only just a matter of going at it, so, by the +living...</p> + +<p>"No;... what do you want?" she queried, and she added these +distressing words, "I can't be sure that you are not insane!"</p> + +<p>I checked myself involuntarily, and I said: "You don't mean +that!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed, God knows I do! you look so strangely. And the forenoon +you followed me--after all, you weren't tipsy that time?"</p> + +<p>"No; but I wasn't hungry then, either; I had just eaten...."</p> + +<p>"Yes; but that made it so much the worse."</p> + +<p>"Would you rather I had been tipsy?"</p> + +<p>"Yes ... ugh ... I am afraid of you! Lord, can't you let me be +now!"</p> + +<p>I considered a moment. No, I couldn't let her be.... I happened, +as if inadvertently, to knock over the light, so that it went out. +She made a despairing struggle--gave vent at last to a little +whimper.</p> + +<p>"No, not that! If you like, you may rather kiss me, oh, dear, +kind...."</p> + +<p>I stopped instantly. Her words sounded so terrified, so +helpless, I was struck to the heart. She meant to offer me a +compensation by giving me leave to kiss her! How charming, how +charmingly naïve. I could have fallen down and knelt before +her.</p> + +<p>"But, dear pretty one," I said, completely bewildered, "I don't +understand.... I really can't conceive what sort of a game this +is...."</p> + +<p>She rose, lit the candle again with trembling hands. I leant +back on the sofa and did nothing. What would happen now? I was in +reality very ill at ease.</p> + +<p>She cast a look over at the clock on the wall, and started.</p> + +<p>"Ugh, the girl will soon come now!" she said; this was the first +thing she said. I took the hint, and rose. She took up her jacket +as if to put it on, bethought herself, and let it lie, and went +over to the fireplace. So that it should not appear as if she had +shown me the door, I said:</p> + +<p>"Was your father in the army?" and at the same time I prepared +to leave.</p> + +<p>"Yes; he was an officer. How did you know?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't know; it just came into my head."</p> + +<p>"That was odd."</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes; there were some places I came to where I got a kind of +presentiment. Ha, ha!--a part of my insanity, eh?"</p> + +<p>She looked quickly up, but didn't answer. I felt I worried her +with my presence, and determined to make short work of it. I went +towards the door. Would she not kiss me any more now? not even give +me her hand? I stood and waited.</p> + +<p>"Are you going now, then?" she said, and yet she remained +quietly standing over near the fireplace.</p> + +<p>I did not reply. I stood humbly in confusion, and looked at her +without saying anything. Why hadn't she left me in peace, when +nothing was to come of it? What was the matter with her now? It +didn't seem to put her out that I stood prepared to leave. She was +all at once completely lost to me, and I searched for something to +say to her in farewell--a weighty, cutting word that would strike +her, and perhaps impress her a little. And in the face of my first +resolve, hurt as I was, instead of being proud and cold, disturbed +and offended, I began right off to talk of trifles. The telling +word would not come; I conducted myself in an exceedingly aimless +fashion. Why couldn't she just as well tell me plainly and +straightly to go my way? I queried. Yes, indeed, why not? There was +no need of feeling embarrassed about it. Instead of reminding me +that the girl would soon come home, she could have simply said as +follows: "Now you must run, for I must go and fetch my mother, and +I won't have your escort through the street." So it was not that +she had been thinking about? Ah, yes; it was that all the same she +had thought about; I understood that at once. It did not require +much to put me on the right track; only, just the way she had taken +up her jacket, and left it down again, had convinced me +immediately. As I said before, I had presentiments; and it was not +altogether insanity that was at the root of it....</p> + +<p>"But, great heavens! do forgive me for that word! It slipped out +of my mouth," she cried; but yet she stood quite quietly, and did +not come over to me.</p> + +<p>I was inflexible, and went on. I stood there and prattled, with +the painful consciousness that I bored her, that not one of my +words went home, and all the same I did not cease.</p> + +<p>At bottom one might be a fairly sensitive nature, even if one +were not insane, I ventured to say. There were natures that fed on +trifles, and died just for one hard word's sake; and I implied that +I had such a nature. The fact was, that my poverty had in that +degree sharpened certain powers in me, so that they caused me +unpleasantness. Yes, I assure you honestly, unpleasantness; worse +luck! But this had also its advantages. It helped me in certain +situations in life. The poor intelligent man is a far nicer +observer than the rich intelligent man. The poor man looks about +him at every step he takes, listens suspiciously to every word he +hears from the people he meets, every step he takes affords in this +way a task for his thoughts and feelings--an occupation. He is +quick of hearing, and sensitive; he is an experienced man, his soul +bears the sears of the fire....</p> + +<p>And I talked a long time over these sears my soul had. But the +longer I talked, the more troubled she grew. At last she muttered, +"My God!" a couple of times in despair, and wrung her hands. I +could see well that I tormented her, and I had no wish to torment +her--but did it, all the same. At last, being of the opinion that I +had succeeded in telling her in rude enough terms the essentials of +what I had to say, I was touched by her heart-stricken expression. +I cried:</p> + +<p>"Now I am going, now I am going. Can't you see that I already +have my hand on the handle of the door? Good-bye, good-bye," I say. +"You might answer me when I say good-bye twice, and stand on the +point of going. I don't even ask to meet you again, for it would +torment you. But tell me, why didn't you leave me in peace? What +had I done to you? I didn't get in your way, now, did I? Why did +you turn away from me all at once, as if you didn't know me any +longer? You have plucked me now so thoroughly bare, made me even +more wretched than I ever was at any time before; but, indeed, I am +not insane. You know well, if you think it over, that nothing is +the matter with me now. Come over, then, and give me your hand--or +give me leave to go to you, will you? I won't do you any harm; I +will only kneel before you, only for a minute--kneel down on the +floor before you, only for a minute, may I? No, no; there, I am not +to do it then, I see. You are getting afraid. I will not, I will +not do it; do you hear? Lord, why do you get so terrified. I am +standing quite still; I am not moving. I would have knelt down on +the carpet for a moment--just there, upon that patch of red, at +your feet; but you got frightened--I could see it at once in your +eyes that you got frightened; that was why I stood still. I didn't +move a step when I asked you might I, did I? I stood just as +immovable as I stand now when I point out the place to you where I +would have knelt before you, over there on the crimson rose in the +carpet. I don't even point with my finger. I don't point at all; I +let it be, not to frighten you. I only nod and look over at it, +like this! and you know perfectly well which rose I mean, but you +won't let me kneel there. You are afraid of me, and dare not come +near to me. I cannot conceive how you could have the heart to call +me insane. It isn't true; you don't believe it, either, any longer? +It was once in the summer, a long time ago, I was mad; I worked too +hard, and forgot to go to dine at the right hour, when I had too +much to think about. That happened day after day. I ought to have +remembered it; but I went on forgetting it--by God in Heaven, it is +true! God keep me from ever coming alive from this spot if I lie. +There, you can see, you do me an injustice. It was not out of need +I did it; I can get credit, much credit, at Ingebret's or +Gravesen's. I often, too, had a good deal of money in my pocket, +and did not buy food all the same, because I forgot it. Do you +hear? You don't say anything; you don't answer; you don't stir a +bit from the fire; you just stand and wait for me to go...."</p> + +<p>She came hurriedly over to me, and stretched out her hand. I +looked at her, full of mistrust. Did she do it with any true +heartiness, or did she only do it to get rid of me? She wound her +arms round my neck; she had tears in her eyes; I only stood and +looked at her. She offered her mouth; I couldn't believe in her; it +was quite certain she was making a sacrifice as a means of putting +an end to all this.</p> + +<p>She said something; it sounded to me like, "I am fond of you, in +spite of all." She said it very lowly and indistinctly; maybe I did +not hear aright. She may not have said just those words; but she +cast herself impetuously against my breast, clasped both her arms +about my neck for a little while, stretched even up a bit on her +toes to get a good hold, and stood so for perhaps a whole minute. I +was afraid that she was forcing herself to show me this tenderness, +and I only said:</p> + +<p>"What a darling you are now!"</p> + +<p>More I didn't say. I crushed her in my arms, stepped back, +rushed to the door, and went out backwards. She remained in there +behind me.</p> + +<h2 class="spaced">Part IV</h2> + +<p>Winter had set in--a raw, wet winter, almost without snow. A +foggy, dark, and everlasting night, without a single blast of fresh +wind the whole week through. The gas was lighted almost all the day +in the streets, and yet people jostled one another in the fog. +Every sound, the clang of the church bells, the jingling of the +harness of the droske horses, the people's voices, the beat of the +hoofs, everything, sounded choked and jangling through the close +air, that penetrated and muffled everything.</p> + +<p>Week followed week, and the weather was, and remained, still the +same.</p> + +<p>And I stayed steadily down in Vaterland. I grew more and more +closely bound to this inn, this lodging-house for travellers, where +I had found shelter, in spite of my starving condition. My money +was exhausted long since; and yet I continued to come and go in +this place as if I had a right to it, and was at home there. The +landlady had, as yet, said nothing; but it worried me all the same +that I could not pay her. In this way three weeks went by. I had +already, many days ago, taken to writing again; but I could not +succeed in putting anything together that satisfied me. I had not +longer any luck, although I was very painstaking, and strove early +and late; no matter what I attempted, it was useless. Good fortune +had flown; and I exerted myself in vain.</p> + +<p>It was in a room on the second floor, the best guest-room, that +I sat and made these attempts. I had been undisturbed up there +since the first evening when I had money and was able to settle for +what I got. All the time I was buoyed up by the hope of at last +succeeding in getting together an article on some subject or +another, so that I could pay for my room, and for whatever else I +owed. That was the reason I worked on so persistently. I had, in +particular, commenced a piece from which I expected great +things--an allegory about a fire--a profound thought upon which I +intended to expend all my energy, and bring it to the "Commander" +in payment. The "Commandor" should see that he had helped a talent +this time. I had no doubt but that he would eventually see that; it +only was a matter of waiting till the spirit moved me; and why +shouldn't the spirit move me? Why should it not come over me even +now, at a very early date? There was no longer anything the matter +with me. My landlady gave me a little food every day, some bread +and butter, mornings and evenings, and my nervousness had almost +flown. I no longer used cloths round my hands when I wrote; and I +could stare down into the street from my window on the second floor +without getting giddy. I was much better in every way, and it was +becoming a matter of astonishment to me that I had not already +finished my allegory. I couldn't understand why it was....</p> + +<p>But a day came when I was at last to get a clear idea of how +weak I had really become; with what incapacity my dull brain acted. +Namely, on this day my landlady came up to me with a reckoning +which she asked me to look over. There must be something wrong in +this reckoning, she said; it didn't agree with her own book; but +she had not been able to find out the mistake.</p> + +<p>I set to work to add up. My landlady sat right opposite and +looked at me. I added up these score of figures first once down, +and found the total right; then once up again, and arrived at the +same result. I looked at the woman sitting opposite me, waiting on +my words. I noticed at the same time that she was pregnant; it did +not escape my attention, and yet I did not stare in any way +scrutinizingly at her.</p> + +<p>"The total is right," said I.</p> + +<p>"No; go over each figure now," she answered. "I am sure it can't +be so much; I am positive of it."</p> + +<p>And I commenced to check each line--2 loaves at 2 1/2d., 1 lamp +chimney, 3d., soap, 4d., butter, 5d.... It did not require any +particularly shrewd head to run up these rows of figures--this +little huckster account in which nothing very complex occurred. I +tried honestly to find the error that the woman spoke about, but +couldn't succeed. After I had muddled about with these figures for +some minutes I felt that, unfortunately, everything commenced to +dance about in my head; I could no longer distinguish debit or +credit; I mixed the whole thing up. Finally, I came to a dead stop +at the following entry--"3. 5/16ths of a pound of cheese at 9d." My +brain failed me completely; I stared stupidly down at the cheese, +and got no farther.</p> + +<p>"It is really too confoundedly crabbed writing," I exclaimed in +despair. "Why, God bless me, here is 5/16ths of a pound of cheese +entered--ha, ha! did any one ever hear the like? Yes, look here; +you can see for yourself."</p> + +<p>"Yes," she said; "it is often put down like that; it is a kind +of Dutch cheese. Yes, that is all right--five-sixteenths is in this +case five ounces."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes; I understand that well enough," I interrupted, +although in truth I understood nothing more whatever.</p> + +<p>I tried once more to get this little account right, that I could +have totted up in a second some months ago. I sweated fearfully, +and thought over these enigmatical figures with all my might, and I +blinked my eyes reflectingly, as if I was studying this matter +sharply, but I had to give it up. These five ounces of cheese +finished me completely; it was as if something snapped within my +forehead. But yet, to give the impression that I still worked out +my calculation, I moved my lips and muttered a number aloud, all +the while sliding farther and farther down the reckoning as if I +were steadily coming to a result. She sat and waited. At last I +said:</p> + +<p>"Well, now, I have gone through it from first to last, and there +is no mistake, as far as I can see."</p> + +<p>"Isn't there?" replied the woman, "isn't there really?" But I +saw well that she did not believe me, and she seemed all at once to +throw a dash of contempt into her words, a slightly careless tone +that I had never heard from her before. She remarked that perhaps I +was not accustomed to reckon in sixteenths; she mentioned also that +she must only apply to some one who had a knowledge of sixteenths, +to get the account properly revised. She said all this, not in any +hurtful way to make me feel ashamed, but thoughtfully and +seriously. When she got as far as the door, she said, without +looking at me:</p> + +<p>"Excuse me for taking up your time then."</p> + +<p>Off she went.</p> + +<p>A moment after, the door opened again, and she re-entered. She +could hardly have gone much farther than the stairs before she had +turned back.</p> + +<p>"That's true," said she; "you mustn't take it amiss; but there +is a little owing to me from you now, isn't there? Wasn't it three +weeks yesterday since you came?" Yes, I thought it was. "It isn't +so easy to keep things going with such a big family, so that I +can't give lodging on credit, more's the...."</p> + +<p>I stopped her. "I am working at an article that I think I told +you about before," said I, "and as soon as ever that is finished, +you shall have your money; you can make yourself quite +easy...."</p> + +<p>"Yes; but you'll never get that article finished, though."</p> + +<p>"Do you think that? Maybe the spirit will move me tomorrow, or +perhaps already, tonight; it isn't at all impossible but that it +may move me some time tonight, and then my article will be +completed in a quarter of an hour at the outside. You see, it isn't +with my work as with other people's; I can't sit down and get a +certain amount finished in a day. I have just to wait for the right +moment, and no one can tell the day or hour when the spirit may +move one--it must have its own time...."</p> + +<p>My landlady went, but her confidence in me was evidently much +shaken.</p> + +<p>As soon as I was left alone I jumped up and tore my hair in +despair. No, in spite of all, there was really no salvation for +me--no salvation! My brain was bankrupt! Had I then really turned +into a complete dolt since I could not even add up the price of a +piece of Dutch cheese? But could it be possible I had lost my +senses when I could stand and put such questions to myself? Had not +I, into the bargain, right in the midst of my efforts with the +reckoning, made the lucid observation that my landlady was in the +family way? I had no reason for knowing it, no one had told me +anything about it, neither had it occurred to me gratuitously. I +sat and saw it with my own eyes, and I understood it at once, right +at a despairing moment where I sat and added up sixteenths. How +could I explain this to myself?</p> + +<p>I went to the window and gazed out; it looked out into +Vognmandsgade. Some children were playing down on the pavement; +poorly dressed children in the middle of a poor street. They tossed +an empty bottle between them and screamed shrilly. A load of +furniture rolled slowly by; it must belong to some dislodged +family, forced to change residence between "flitting time." <a +name="fnr6"></a> <a href="#fn6" class="fnsuper">6</a> This struck +me at once. Bed-clothes and furniture were heaped on the float, +moth-eaten beds and chests of drawers, red-painted chairs with +three legs, mats, old iron, and tin-ware. A little girl--a mere +child, a downright ugly youngster, with a running cold in her +nose--sat up on top of the load, and held fast with her poor little +blue hands in order not to tumble off. She sat on a heap of +frightfully stained mattresses, that children must have lain on, +and looked down at the urchins who were tossing the empty bottle to +one another....</p> + +<p>I stood gazing at all this; I had no difficulty in apprehending +everything that passed before me. Whilst I stood there at the +window and observed this, I could hear my landlady's servant +singing in the kitchen right alongside of my room. I knew the air +she was singing, and I listened to hear if she would sing false, +and I said to myself that an idiot could not have done all +this.</p> + +<p>I was, God be praised, all right in my senses as any man.</p> + +<p>Suddenly, I saw two of the children down in the street fire up +and begin to abuse one another. Two little boys; I recognized one +of them; he was my landlady's son. I open the window to hear what +they are saying to one another, and immediately a flock of children +crowded together under my window, and looked wistfully up. What did +they expect? That something would be thrown down? Withered flowers, +bones, cigar ends, or one thing or another, that they could amuse +themselves with? They looked up with their frost-pinched faces and +unspeakably wistful eyes. In the meantime, the two small foes +continued to revile one another.</p> + +<p>Words like great buzzing noxious insects swarm out of their +childish mouths; frightful nicknames, thieves' slang, sailors' +oaths, that they perhaps had learnt down on the wharf; and they are +both so engaged that they do not notice my landlady, who rushes out +to see what is going on.</p> + +<p>"Yes," explains her son, "he catched me by the throat; I +couldn't breaths for ever so long," and turning upon the little man +who is the cause of the quarrel, and who is standing grinning +maliciously at him, he gets perfectly furious, and yells, "Go to +hell, Chaldean ass that you are! To think such vermin as you should +catch folk by the throat. I will, may the Lord...."</p> + +<p>And the mother, this pregnant woman, who dominates the whole +street with her size, answers the ten-year-old child, as she seizes +him by the arm and tries to drag him in:</p> + +<p>"Sh--sh. Hold your jaw! I just like to hear the way you swear, +too, as if you had been in a brothel for years. Now, in with +you."</p> + +<p>"No, I won't."</p> + +<p>"Yes, you will."</p> + +<p>"No, I won't."</p> + +<p>I stand up in the window and see that the mother's temper is +rising; this disagreeable scene excites me frightfully. I can't +endure it any longer. I call down to the boy to come up to me for a +minute; I call twice, just to distract them--to change the scene. +The last time I call very loudly, and the mother turns round +flurriedly and looks up at me. She regains her self-possession at +once, looks insolently at me, nay, downright maliciously, and +enters the house with a chiding remark to her offspring. She talks +loudly, so that I may hear it, and says to him, "Fie, you ought to +be ashamed of yourself to let people see how naughty you are."</p> + +<p>Of all this that I stood there and observed not one thing, not +even one little accessory detail, was lost on me; my attention was +acutely keen; I absorbed carefully every little thing as I stood +and thought out my own thought, about each thing according as it +occurred. So it was impossible that there could be anything the +matter with my brain. How could there, in this case, be anything +the matter with it?</p> + +<p>Listen; do you know what, said I all at once to myself, that you +have been worrying yourself long enough about your brain, giving +yourself no end of worry in this matter? Now, there must be an end +to this tomfoolery. Is it a sign of insanity to notice and +apprehend everything as accurately as you do? You make me almost +laugh at you, I reply. To my mind it is not without its humorous +side, if I am any judge of such a case. Why, it happens to every +man that he once in a way sticks fast, and that, too, just with the +simplest question. It is of no significance, it is often a pure +accident. As I have remarked before, I am on the point of having a +good laugh at your expense. As far as that huckster account is +concerned, that paltry five-sixteenths of beggar-man's cheese, I +can happily dub it so. Ha, ha!-- a cheese with cloves and pepper in +it; upon my word, a cheese in which, to put the matter plainly, one +could breed maggots. As far as that ridiculous cheese is concerned, +it might happen to the cleverest fellow in the world to be puzzled +over it! Why, the smell of the cheese was enough to finish a man; +... and I made the greatest fun of this and all other Dutch +cheeses.... No; set me to reckon up something really eatable, said +I--set me, if you like, at five-sixteenths of good dairy butter. +That is another matter.</p> + +<p>I laughed feverishly at my own whim, and found it peculiarly +diverting. There was positively no longer anything the matter with +me. I was in good form--was, so to say, still in the best of form; +I had a level head, nothing was wanting there, God be praised and +thanked! My mirth rose in measure as I paced the floor and communed +with myself. I laughed aloud, and felt amazingly glad. Besides, it +really seemed, too, as if I only needed this little happy hour, +this moment of airy rapture, without a care on any side, to get my +head into working order once more.</p> + +<p>I seated myself at the table, and set to work at my allegory; it +progressed swimmingly, better than it had done for a long time; not +very fast, 'tis true, but it seemed to me that what I did was +altogether first- rate. I worked, too, for the space of an hour +without getting tired.</p> + +<p>I am sitting working at a most crucial point in this Allegory of +a Conflagration in a Bookshop. It appears to me so momentous a +point, that all the rest I have written counted as nothing in +comparison. I was, namely, just about to weave in, in a downright +profound way, this thought. It was not books that were burning, it +was brains, human brains; and I intended to make a perfect +Bartholomew's night of these burning brains.</p> + +<p>Suddenly my door was flung open with a jerk and in much haste; +my landlady came sailing in. She came straight over to the middle +of the room, she did not even pause on the threshold.</p> + +<p>I gave a little hoarse cry; it was just as if I had received a +blow.</p> + +<p>"What?" said she, "I thought you said something. We have got a +traveller, and we must have this room for him. You will have to +sleep downstairs with us tonight. Yes; you can have a bed to +yourself there too." And before she got my answer, she began, +without further ceremony, to bundle my papers together on the +table, and put the whole of them into a state of dire +confusion.</p> + +<p>My happy mood was blown to the winds; I stood up at once, in +anger and despair. I let her tidy the table, and said nothing, +never uttered a syllable. She thrust all the papers into my +hand.</p> + +<p>There was nothing else for me to do. I was forced to leave the +room. And so this precious moment was spoilt also. I met the new +traveller already on the stairs; a young man with great blue +anchors tattooed on the backs of his hands. A quay porter followed +him, bearing a sea-chest on his shoulders. He was evidently a +sailor, a casual traveller for the night; he would therefore not +occupy my room for any lengthened period. Perhaps, too, I might be +lucky tomorrow when the man had left, and have one of my moments +again; I only needed an inspiration for five minutes, and my essay +on the conflagration would be completed. Well, I should have to +submit to fate.</p> + +<p>I had not been inside the family rooms before, this one common +room in which they all lived, both day and night--the husband, +wife, wife's father, and four children. The servant lived in the +kitchen, where she also slept at night. I approached the door with +much repugnance, and knocked. No one answered, yet I heard voices +inside.</p> + +<p>The husband did not speak as I stepped in, did not acknowledge +my nod even, merely glanced at me carelessly, as if I were no +concern of his. Besides, he was sitting playing cards with a person +I had seen down on the quays, with the by-name of "Pane o' glass." +An infant lay and prattled to itself over in the bed, and an old +man, the landlady's father, sat doubled together on a settle-bed, +and bent his head down Over his hands as if his chest or stomach +pained him. His hair was almost white, and he looked in his +crouching position like a poke-necked reptile that sat cocking its +ears at something.</p> + +<p>"I come, worse luck, to beg for house-room down here tonight," I +said to the man.</p> + +<p>"Did my wife say so?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"Yes; a new lodger came to my room."</p> + +<p>To this the man made no reply, but proceeded to finger the +cards. There this man sat, day after day, and played cards with +anybody who happened to come in--played for nothing, only just to +kill time, and have something in hand. He never did anything else, +only moved just as much as his lazy limbs felt inclined, whilst his +wife bustled up and down stairs, was occupied on all sides, and +took care to draw customers to the house. She had put herself in +connection with quay-porters and dock-men, to whom she paid a +certain sum for every new lodger they brought her, and she often +gave them, in addition, a shelter for the night. This time it was +"Pane o' glass" that had just brought along the new lodger.</p> + +<p>A couple of the children came in--two little girls, with thin, +freckled, gutter-snipe faces; their clothes were positively +wretched. A while after the landlady herself entered. I asked her +where she intended to put me up for the night, and she replied that +I could lie in here together with the others, or out in the +ante-room on the sofa, as I thought fit. Whilst she answered me she +fussed about the room and busied herself with different things that +she set in order, and she never once looked at me.</p> + +<p>My spirits were crushed by her reply.</p> + +<p>I stood down near the door, and made myself small, tried to make +it appear as if I were quite content all the same to change my room +for another for one night's sake. I put on a friendly face on +purpose not to irritate her and perhaps be hustled right out of the +house.</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes," I said, "there is sure to be some way I . . .," and then +held my tongue.</p> + +<p>She still bustled about the room.</p> + +<p>"For that matter, I may as well just tell you that I can't +afford to give people credit for their board and lodging," said +she, "and I told you that before, too."</p> + +<p>"Yes; but, my dear woman, it is only for these few days, until I +get my article finished," I answered, "and I will willingly give +you an extra five shillings--willingly."</p> + +<p>But she had evidently no faith in my article, I could see that; +and I could not afford to be proud, and leave the house, just for a +slight mortification; I knew what awaited me if I went out.</p> + +<hr> +<p>A few days passed over.</p> + +<p>I still associated with the family below, for it was too cold in +the ante- room where there was no stove. I slept, too, at night on +the floor of the room.</p> + +<p>The strange sailor continued to lodge in my room, and did not +seem like moving very quickly. At noon, too, my landlady came in +and related how he had paid her a month in advance, and besides, he +was going to take his first-mate's examination before leaving, that +was why he was staying in town. I stood and listened to this, and +understood that my room was lost to me for ever.</p> + +<p>I went out to the ante-room, and sat down. If I were lucky +enough to get anything written, it would have perforce to be here +where it was quiet. It was no longer the allegory that occupied me; +I had got a new idea, a perfectly splendid plot; I would compose a +one-act drama--"The Sign of the Cross." Subject taken from the +Middle Ages. I had especially thought out everything in connection +with the principal characters: a magnificently fanatical harlot who +had sinned in the temple, not from weakness or desire, but for hate +against heaven; sinner right at the foot of the altar, with the +altar-cloth under her head, just out of delicious contempt for +heaven.</p> + +<p>I grew more and more obsessed by this creation as the hours went +on. She stood at last, palpably, vividly embodied before my eyes, +and was exactly as I wished her to appear. Her body was to be +deformed and repulsive, tall, very lean, and rather dark; and when +she walked, her long limbs should gleam through her draperies at +every stride she took. She was also to have large outstanding ears. +Curtly, she was nothing for the eye to dwell upon, barely endurable +to look at. What interested me in her was her wonderful +shamelessness, the desperately full measure of calculated sin which +she had committed. She really occupied me too much, my brain was +absolutely inflated by this singular monstrosity of a creature, and +I worked for two hours, without a pause, at my drama. When I had +finished half-a score of pages, perhaps twelve, often with much +effort, at times with long intervals, in which I wrote in vain and +had to tear the page in two, I had become tired, quite stiff with +cold and fatigue, and I arose and went out into the street. For the +last half-hour, too, I had been disturbed by the crying of the +children inside the family room, so that I could not, in any case, +have written any more just then. So I took a long time up over +Drammensveien, and stayed away till the evening, pondering +incessantly, as I walked along, as to how I would continue my +drama. Before I came home in the evening of this day, the following +happened:</p> + +<p>I stood outside a shoemaker's shop far down in Carl Johann +Street, almost at the railway square. God knows why I stood just +outside this shoemaker's shop. I looked into the window as I stood +there, but did not, by the way, remember that I needed shoes then; +my thoughts were far away in other parts of the world. A swarm of +people talking together passed behind my back, and I heard nothing +of what was said. Then a voice greeted me loudly:</p> + +<p>"Good-evening."</p> + +<p>It was "Missy" who bade me good-evening! I answered at random, I +looked at him, too, for a while, before I recognized him.</p> + +<p>"Well, how are you getting along?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>"Oh, always well ... as usual."</p> + +<p>"By the way, tell me," said he, "are you, then, still with +Christie?"</p> + +<p>"Christie?"</p> + +<p>"I thought you once said you were book-keeper at +Christie's?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes. No; that is done with. It was impossible to get along +with that fellow; that came to an end very quickly of its own +accord."</p> + +<p>"Why so?"</p> + +<p>"Well, I happened to make a mis-entry one day, and so--"</p> + +<p>"A false entry, eh?"</p> + +<p>False entry! There stood "Missy," and asked me straight in the +face if I had done this thing. He even asked eagerly, and evidently +with much interest. I looked at him, felt deeply insulted, and made +no reply.</p> + +<p>"Yes, well, Lord! that might happen to the best fellow," he +said, as if to console me. He still believed I had made a false +entry designedly.</p> + +<p>"What is it that, 'Yes, well, Lord! indeed might happen to the +best fellow'?" I inquired. "To do that. Listen, my good man. Do you +stand there and really believe that I could for a moment be guilty +of such a mean trick as that? I!"</p> + +<p class="poetry">"But, my dear fellow, I thought I heard you +distinctly say that."</p> + +<p>"No; I said that I had made a mis-entry once, a bagatelle; if +you want to know, a false date on a letter, a single stroke of the +pen wrong--that was my whole crime. No, God be praised, I can tell +right from wrong yet a while. How would it fare with me if I were, +into the bargain, to sully my honour? It is simply my sense of +honour that keeps me afloat now. But it is strong enough too; at +least, it has kept me up to date."</p> + +<p>I threw back my head, turned away from "Missy," and looked down +the street. My eyes rested on a red dress that came towards us; on +a woman at a man's side. If I had not had this conversation with +"Missy," I would not have been hurt by his coarse suspicion, and I +would not have given this toss of my head, as I turned away in +offence; and so perhaps this red dress would have passed me without +my having noticed it. And at bottom what did it concern me? What +was it to me if it were the dress of the Hon. Miss Nagel, the +lady-in-waiting? "Missy" stood and talked, and tried to make good +his mistake again. I did not listen to him at all; I stood the +whole time and stared at the red dress that was coming nearer up +the street, and a stir thrilled through my breast, a gliding +delicate dart. I whispered in thought without moving my lips:</p> + +<p>"Ylajali!"</p> + +<p class="poetry">Now "Missy" turned round also and noticed the +two--the lady and the man with her,--raised his hat to them, and +followed them with his eyes. I did not raise my hat, or perhaps I +did unconsciously. The red dress glided up Carl Johann, and +disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Who was it was with her?" asked "Missy."</p> + +<p>"The Duke, didn't you see? The so-called 'Duke.' Did you know +the lady?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, in a sort of way. Didn't you know her?"</p> + +<p>"No," I replied.</p> + +<p>"It appears to me you saluted profoundly enough."</p> + +<p>"Did I?"</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha! perhaps you didn't," said "Missy." "Well, that is odd. +Why, it was only at you she looked, too, the whole time."</p> + +<p>"When did you get to know her?" I asked. He did not really know +her. It dated from an evening in autumn. It was late; they were +three jovial souls together, they came out late from the Grand, and +met this being going along alone past Cammermeyer's, and they +addressed her. At first she answered rebuffingly; but one of the +jovial spirits, a man who neither feared fire nor water, asked her +right to her face if he might not have the civilized enjoyment of +accompanying her home? He would, by the Lord, not hurt a hair on +her head, as the saying goes--only go with her to her door, +reassure himself that she reached home in safety, otherwise he +could not rest all night. He talked incessantly as they went along, +hit upon one thing or another, dubbed himself Waldemar Atterdag, +and represented himself as a photographer. At last she was obliged +to laugh at this merry soul who refused to be rebuffed by her +coldness, and it finally ended by his going with her.</p> + +<p>"Indeed, did it? and what came of it?" I inquired; and I held my +breath for his reply.</p> + +<p>"Came of it? Oh, stop there; there is the lady in question."</p> + +<p>We both kept silent a moment, both "Missy" and I.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm hanged, was that 'the Duke'? So that's what he looks +like," he added, reflectively. "Well, if she is in contact with +that fellow; well, then, I wouldn't like to answer for her."</p> + +<p>I still kept silent. Yes, of course "the Duke" would make the +pace with her. Well, what odds? How did it concern me? I bade her +good-day with all her wiles: a good-day I bade her; and I tried to +console myself by thinking the worst thoughts about her; took a +downright pleasure in dragging her through the mire. It only +annoyed me to think that I had doffed my hat to the pair, if I +really had done so. Why should I raise my hat to such people? I did +not care for her any longer, certainly not; she was no longer in +the very slightest degree lovely to me; she had fallen off. Ah, the +devil knows how soiled I found her! It might easily have been the +case that it was only me she looked at; I was not in the least +astounded at that; it might be regret that began to stir in her. +But that was no reason for me to go and lower myself and salute, +like a fool, especially when she had become so seriously besmirched +of late. "The Duke" was welcome to her; I wish him joy! The day +might come when I would just take into my head to pass her +haughtily by without glancing once towards her. Ay, it might happen +that I would venture to do this, even if she were to gaze straight +into my eyes, and have a blood-red gown on into the bargain. It +might very easily happen! Ha, ha! that would be a triumph. If I +knew myself aright, I was quite capable of completing my drama +during the course of the night, and, before eight days had flown, I +would have brought this young woman to her knees--with all her +charms, ha, ha! with all her charms....</p> + +<p>"Good-bye," I muttered, shortly; but "Missy" held me back. He +queried:</p> + +<p>"But what do you do all day now?"</p> + +<p>"Do? I write, naturally. What else should I do? Is it not that I +live by? For the moment, I am working at a great drama, 'The Sign +of the Cross.' Theme taken from the Middle Ages."</p> + +<p>"By Jove!" exclaimed "Missy," seriously. "Well, if you succeed +with that, why...."</p> + +<p>"I have no great anxiety on that score," I replied. "In eight +days' time or so, I think you and all the folks will have heard a +little more of me."</p> + +<p>With that I left him.</p> + +<p>When I got home I applied at once to my landlady, and requested +a lamp. It was of the utmost importance to me to get this lamp; I +would not go to bed tonight; my drama was raging in my brain, and I +hoped so surely to be able to write a good portion of it before +morning. I put forward my request very humbly to her, as I had +noticed that she made a dissatisfied face on my re-entering the +sitting-room. I said that I had almost completed a remarkable +drama, only a couple of scenes were wanting; and I hinted that it +might be produced in some theatre or another, in no time. If she +would only just render me this great service now....</p> + +<p>But madam had no lamp. She considered a bit, but could not call +to mind that she had a lamp in any place. If I liked to wait until +twelve o'clock, I might perhaps get the kitchen lamp. Why didn't I +buy myself a candle?</p> + +<p>I held my tongue. I hadn't a farthing to buy a candle, and knew +that right well. Of course I was foiled again! The servant-girl sat +inside with us-- simply sat in the sitting-room, and was not in the +kitchen at all; so that the lamp up there was not even lit. And I +stood and thought over this, but said no more. Suddenly the girl +remarked to me:</p> + +<p>"I thought I saw you come out of the palace a while ago; were +you at a dinner party?" and she laughed loudly at this jest.</p> + +<p>I sat down, took out my papers, and attempted to write something +here, in the meantime. I held the paper on my knees, and gazed +persistently at the floor to avoid being distracted by anything; +but it helped not a whit; nothing helped me; I got no farther. The +landlady's two little girls came in and made a row with the cat--a +queer, sick cat that had scarcely a hair on it; they blew into its +eyes until water sprang out of them and trickled down its nose. The +landlord and a couple of others sat at a table and played <em>cent +et un</em>. The wife alone was busy as ever, and sat and sewed at +some garment. She saw well that I could not write anything in the +midst of all this disturbance; but she troubled herself no more +about me; she even smiled when the servant-girl asked me if I had +been out to dine. The whole household had become hostile towards +me. It was as if I had only needed disgrace of being obliged to +resign my room to a stranger to be treated as a man of no account. +Even the servant, a little, brown-eyed, street-wench, with a big +fringe over her forehead, and a perfectly flat bosom, poked fun at +me in the evening when I got my ration of bread and butter. She +inquired perpetually where, then, was I in the habit of dining, as +she had never seen me picking my teeth outside the Grand? It was +clear that she was aware of my wretched circumstances, and took a +pleasure in letting me know of it.</p> + +<p>I fall suddenly into thought over all this, and am not able to +find a solitary speech for my drama. Time upon time I seek in vain; +a strange buzzing begins inside my head, and I give it up. I thrust +the papers into my pocket, and look up. The girl is sitting +straight opposite me. I look at her--look at her narrow back and +drooping shoulders, that are not yet fully developed. What business +was it of hers to fly at me? Even supposing I did come out of the +palace, what then? Did it harm her in any way? She had laughed +insolently in the past few days at me, when I was a bit awkward and +stumbled on the stairs, or caught fast on a nail and tore my coat. +It was not later than yesterday that she gathered up my rough copy, +that I had thrown aside in the ante-room--stolen these rejected +fragments of my drama, and read them aloud in the room here; made +fun of them in every one's hearing, just to amuse herself at my +expense. I had never molested her in any way, and could not recall +that I had ever asked her to do me a service. On the contrary, I +made up my bed on the floor in the ante-room myself, in order not +to give her any trouble with it. She made fun of me, too, because +my hair fell out. Hair lay and floated about in the basin I washed +in the mornings, and she made merry over it. Then my shoes, too, +had grown rather shabby of late, particularly the one that had been +run over by the bread-van, and she found subject for jesting in +them. "God bless you and your shoes!" said she, looking at them; +"they are as wide as a dog's house." And she was right; they were +trodden out. But then I couldn't procure myself any others just at +present.</p> + +<p>Whilst I sit and call all this to mind, and marvel over the +evident malice of the servant, the little girls have begun to tease +the old man over in the bed; they are jumping around him, fully +bent on this diversion. They both found a straw, which they poked +into his ears. I looked on at this for a while, and refrained from +interfering. The old fellow did not move a finger to defend +himself; he only looked at his tormentors with furious eyes each +time they prodded him, and jerked his head to escape when the +straws were already in his ears. I got more and more irritated at +this sight, and could not keep my eyes away from it. The father +looked up from his cards, and laughed at the youngsters; he also +drew the attention of his comrades at play to what was going on. +Why didn't the old fellow move? Why didn't he fling the children +aside with his arms? I took a stride, and approached the bed.</p> + +<p>"Let them alone! let them alone! he is paralysed," called the +landlord.</p> + +<p>And out of fear to be shown the door for the night, simply out +of fear of rousing the man's displeasure by interfering with this +scene, I stepped back silently to my old place and kept myself +quiet. Why should I risk my lodging and my portion of bread and +butter by poking my nose into the family squabbles? No idiotic +pranks for the sake of a half-dying old man, and I stood and felt +as delightfully hard as a flint.</p> + +<p>The little urchins did not cease their plaguing; it amused them +that the old chap could not hold his head quiet, and they aimed at +his eyes and nostrils. He stared at them with a ludicrous +expression; he said nothing, and could not stir his arms. Suddenly +he raised the upper part of his body a little and spat in the face +of one of the little girls, drew himself up again and spat at the +other, but did not reach her. I stood and looked on, saw that the +landlord flung the cards on the table at which he sat, and sprang +over towards the bed. His face was flushed, and he shouted:</p> + +<p>"Will you sit and spit right into people's eyes, you old +boar?"</p> + +<p>"But, good Lord, he got no peace from them!" I cried, beside +myself.</p> + +<p>But all the time I stood in fear of being turned out, and I +certainly did not utter my protest with any particular force; I +only trembled over my whole body with irritation. He turned towards +me, and said:</p> + +<p>"Eh, listen to him, then. What the devil is it to you? You just +keep your tongue in your jaw, you--just mark what I tell you, +'twill serve you best."</p> + +<p>But now the wife's voice made itself heard, and the house was +filled with scolding and railing.</p> + +<p>"May God help me, but I think you are mad or possessed, the +whole pack of you!" she shrieked. "If you want to stay in here +you'll have to be quiet, both of you! Humph! it isn't enough that +one is to keep open house and food for vermin, but one is to have +sparring and rowing and the devil's own to-do in the sitting-room +as well. But I won't have any more of it, not if I know it. Sh--h! +Hold your tongues, you brats there, and wipe your noses, too; if +you don't, I'll come and do it. I never saw the like of such +people. Here they walk in out of the street, without even a penny +to buy flea-powder, and begin to kick up rows in the middle of the +night and quarrel with the people who own the house, I don't mean +to have any more of it, do you understand that? and you can go your +way, every one who doesn't belong home here. I am going to have +peace in my own quarters, I am."</p> + +<p>I said nothing, I never opened my mouth once. I sat down again +next the door and listened to the noise. They all screamed +together, even the children, and the girl who wanted to explain how +the whole disturbance commenced. If I only kept quiet it would all +blow over sometime; it would surely not come to the worst if I only +did not utter a word; and what word after all could I have to say? +Was it not perhaps winter outside, and far advanced into the night, +besides? Was that a time to strike a blow, and show one could hold +one's own? No folly now!... So I sat still and made no attempt to +leave the house; I never even blushed at keeping silent, never felt +ashamed, although I had almost been shown the door. I stared +coolly, case-hardened, at the wall where Christ hung in an +oleograph, and held my tongue obstinately during all the landlady's +attack.</p> + +<p>"Well, if it is me you want to get quit of, ma'am, there will be +nothing in the way as far as I am concerned," said one of the +card-players as he stood up. The other card-players rose as +well.</p> + +<p>"No, I didn't mean you--nor you either," replied the landlady to +them. "If there's any need to, I will show well enough who I mean, +if there's the least need to, if I know myself rightly. Oh, it will +be shown quick enough who it is...."</p> + +<p>She talked with pauses, gave me these thrusts at short +intervals, and spun it out to make it clearer and clearer that it +was me she meant. "Quiet," said I to myself; "only keep quiet!" She +had not asked me to go--not expressly, not in plain words. Just no +putting on side on my part--no untimely pride! Brave it out!... +That was really most singular green hair on that Christ in the +oleograph. It was not too unlike green grass, or expressed with +exquisite exactitude thick meadow grass. Ha! a perfectly correct +remark--unusually thick meadow grass.... A train of fleeting ideas +darts at this moment through my head. From green grass to the text, +Each life is like unto grass that is kindled; from that to the Day +of Judgment, when all will be consumed; then a little detour down +to the earthquake in Lisbon, about which something floated before +me in reference to a brass Spanish spittoon and an ebony pen handle +that I had seen down at Ylajali's. Ah, yes, all was transitory, +just like grass that was kindled. It all ended in four planks and a +winding-sheet. "Winding-sheets to be had from Miss Andersen's, on +the right of the door...." And all this was tossed about in my head +during the despairing moment when my landlady was about to thrust +me from her door.</p> + +<p>"He doesn't hear," she yelled. "I tell you, you'll quit this +house. Now you know it. I believe God blast me, that the man is +mad, I do! Now, out you go, on the blessed spot, and so no more +chat about it."</p> + +<p>I looked towards the door, not in order to leave--no, certainly +not in order to leave. An audacious notion seized me--if there had +been a key in the door, I would have turned it and locked myself in +along with the rest to escape going. I had a perfectly hysterical +dread of going out into the streets again.</p> + +<p>But there was no key in the door.</p> + +<p>Then, suddenly my landlord's voice mingled with that of his +wife, and I stood still with amazement. The same man who had +threatened me a while ago took my part, strangely enough now. He +said:</p> + +<p>"No, it won't do to turn folk out at night; do you know one can +be punished for doing that?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't know if there was a punishment for that; I couldn't +say, but perhaps it was so," and the wife bethought herself +quickly, grew quiet, and spoke no more.</p> + +<p>She placed two pieces of bread and butter before me for supper, +but I did not touch them, just out of gratitude to the man; so I +pretended that I had had a little food in town.</p> + +<p>When at length I took myself off to the anteroom to go to bed, +she came out after me, stopped on the threshold, and said loudly, +whilst her unsightly figure seemed to strut out towards me:</p> + +<p>"But this is the last night you sleep here, so now you know +it."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," I replied.</p> + +<p>There would perhaps be some way of finding a shelter tomorrow, +if I tried hard for it. I would surely be able to find some +hiding-place. For the time being I would rejoice that I was not +obliged to go out tonight.</p> + +<p>I slept till between five and six in the morning--it was not yet +light when I awoke--but all the same I got up at once. I had lain +in all my clothes on account of the cold, and had no dressing to +do. When I had drunk a little cold water and opened the door +quietly, I went out directly, for I was afraid to face my landlady +again.</p> + +<p>A couple of policemen who had been on watch all night were the +only living beings I saw in the street. A while after, some men +began to extinguish the lamps. I wandered about without aim or end, +reached Kirkegaden and the road down towards the fortress. Cold and +still sleepy, weak in the knees and back after my long walk, and +very hungry, I sat down on a seat and dozed for a long time. For +three weeks I had lived exclusively on the bread and butter that my +landlady had given me morning and evening. Now it was twenty-four +hours since I had had my last meal. Hunger began to gnaw badly at +me again; I must seek a help for it right quickly. With this +thought I fell asleep again upon the seat....</p> + +<p>I was aroused by the sound of people speaking near me, and when +I had collected myself a little I saw that it was broad day, and +that every one was up and about. I got up and walked away. The sun +burst over the heights, the sky was pale and tender, and in my +delight over the lovely morning, after the many dark gloomy weeks, +I forgot all cares, and it seemed to me as if I had fared worse on +other occasions. I clapped myself on the chest and sang a little +snatch for myself. My voice sounded so wretched, downright +exhausted it sounded, and I moved myself to tears with it. This +magnificent day, the white heavens swimming in light, had far too +mighty an effect upon me, and I burst into loud weeping.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with you?" inquired a man. I did not answer, +but hurried away, hiding my face from all men. I reached the +bridge. A large barque with the Russian flag lay and discharged +coal. I read her name, <em>Copégoro</em>, on her side. It +distracted me for a time to watch what took place on board this +foreign ship. She must be almost discharged; she lay with IX foot +visible on her side, in spite of all the ballast she had already +taken in, and there was a hollow boom through the whole ship +whenever the coal-heavers stamped on the deck with their heavy +boots.</p> + +<p>The sun, the light, and the salt breath from the sea, all this +busy, merry life pulled me together a bit, and caused my blood to +run lustily. Suddenly it entered my head that I could work at a few +scenes of my drama whilst I sat here, and I took my papers out of +my pocket.</p> + +<p>I tried to place a speech into a monk's mouth--a speech that +ought to swell with pride and intolerance, but it was of no use; so +I skipped over the monk and tried to work out an oration--the +Deemster's oration to the violator of the Temple,--and I wrote +half-a-page of this oration, upon which I stopped. The right local +colour would not tinge my words, the bustle about me, the shanties, +the noise of the gangways, and the ceaseless rattle of the iron +chains, fitted in so little with the atmosphere of the musty air of +the dim Middle Ages, that was to envelop my drama as with a +mist.</p> + +<p>I bundled my papers together and got up.</p> + +<p>All the same, I got into a happy vein--a grand vein,--and I felt +convinced that I could effect something if all went well.</p> + +<p>If I only had a place to go to. I thought over it--stopped right +there in the street and pondered, but I could not bring to mind a +single quiet spot in the town where I could seat myself for an +hour. There was no other way open; I would have to go back to the +lodging-house in Vaterland. I shrank at the thought of it, and I +told myself all the while that it would not do. I went ahead all +the same, and approached nearer and nearer to the forbidden spot. +Of course it was wretched. I admitted to myself that it was +degrading--downright degrading, but there was no help for it. I was +not in the least proud; I dared make the assertion roundly, that I +was one of the least arrogant beings up to date. I went ahead.</p> + +<p>I pulled up at the door and weighed it over once more. Yes, no +matter what the result was, I would have to dare it. After all said +and done, what a bagatelle to make such a fuss about. For the first +it was only a matter of a couple of hours; for the second, the Lord +forbid that I should ever seek refuge in such a house again. I +entered the yard. Even whilst I was crossing the uneven stones I +was irresolute, and almost turned round at the very door. I +clenched my teeth. No! no pride! At the worst I could excuse myself +by saying I had come to say good-bye, to make a proper adieu, and +come to a clear understanding about my debt to the house....</p> + +<p>I took forth my papers once more, and determined to thrust all +irrelevant impressions aside. I had left off right in the middle of +a sentence in the inquisitor's address--"Thus dictate God and the +law to me, thus dictates also the counsel of my wise men, thus +dictate I and my own conscience...." I looked out of the window to +think over what his conscience should dictate to him. A little row +reached me from the room inside. Well, it was no affair of mine +anyway; it was entirely and totally indifferent to me what noise +arose. Why the devil should I sit thinking about it? Keep quiet +now! "Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." But everything +conspired against me. Outside in the street, something was taking +place that disturbed me. A little lad sat and amused himself in the +sun on the opposite side of the pavement. He was happy and in fear +of no danger--just sat and knotted together a lot of paper +streamers, and injuring no one. Suddenly he jumps up and begins to +curse; he goes backwards to the middle of the street and catches +sight of a man, a grown-up man, with a red beard, who is leaning +out of an open window in the second storey, and who spat down on +his head. The little chap cried with rage, and swore impatiently up +at the window; and the man laughed in his face. Perhaps five +minutes passed in this way. I turned aside to avoid seeing the +little lad's tears.</p> + +<p>"Thus dictate I and my own conscience...." I found it impossible +to get any farther. At last everything began to get confused; it +seemed to me that even that which I had already written was unfit +to use, ay, that the whole idea was contemptible rubbish. How could +one possibly talk of conscience in the Middle Ages? Conscience was +first invented by Dancing- master Shakespeare, consequently my +whole address was wrong. Was there, then, nothing of value in these +pages? I ran through them anew, and solved my doubt at once. I +discovered grand pieces--downright lengthy pieces of remarkable +merit--and once again the intoxicating desire to set to work again +darted through my breast--the desire to finish my drama.</p> + +<p>I got up and went to the door, without paying any attention to +my landlord's furious signs to go out quietly; I walked out of the +room firmly, and with my mind made up. I went upstairs to the +second floor, and entered my former room. The man was not there, +and what was to hinder me from sitting here for a moment? I would +not touch one of his things. I wouldn't even once use his table; I +would just seat myself on a chair near the door, and be happy. I +spread the papers hurriedly out on my knees. Things went splendidly +for a few minutes. Retort upon retort stood ready in my head, and I +wrote uninterruptedly. I filled one page after the other, dashed +ahead over stock and stone, chuckled softly in ecstasy over my +happy vein, and was scarcely conscious of myself. The only sound I +heard in this moment was my own merry chuckle.</p> + +<p>A singularly happy idea had just struck me about a church +bell--a church bell that was to peal out at a certain point in my +drama. All was going ahead with overwhelming rapidity. Then I heard +a step on the stairs. I tremble, and am almost beside myself; sit +ready to bolt, timorous, watchful, full of fear at everything, and +excited by hunger. I listen nervously, just hold the pencil still +in my hand, and listen. I cannot write a word more. The door opens +and the pair from below enter.</p> + +<p>Even before I had time to make an excuse for what I had done, +the landlady calls out, as if struck of a heap with amazement:</p> + +<p>"Well, God bless and save us, if he isn't sitting here +again!"</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," I said, and I would have added more, but got no +farther; the landlady flung open the door, as far as it would go, +and shrieked:</p> + +<p>"If you don't go out, now, may God blast me, but I'll fetch the +police!"</p> + +<p>I got up.</p> + +<p>"I only wanted to say good-bye to you," I murmured; "and I had +to wait for you. I didn't touch anything; I only just sat here on +the chair...."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes; there was no harm in that," said the man. "What the +devil does it matter? Let the man alone; he--"</p> + +<p>By this time I had reached the end of the stairs. All at once I +got furious with this fat, swollen woman, who followed close to my +heels to get rid of me quickly, and I stood quiet a moment with the +worst abusive epithets on my tongue ready to sling at her. But I +bethought myself in time, and held my peace, if only out of +gratitude to the stranger man who followed her, and would have to +hear them. She trod close on my heels, railing incessantly, and my +anger increased with every step I took.</p> + +<p>We reached the yard below. I walked very slowly, still debating +whether I would not have it out with her. I was at this moment +completely blinded with rage, and I searched for the worst word--an +expression that would strike her dead on the spot, like a kick in +her stomach. A commissionaire passes me at the entrance. He touches +his hat; I take no notice; he applies to her; and I hear that he +inquires for me, but I do not turn round. A couple of steps outside +the door he overtakes and stops me. He hands me an envelope. I tear +it open, roughly and unwillingly. It contains half-a-sovereign--no +note, not a word. I look at the man, and ask:</p> + +<p>"What tomfoolery is this? Who is the letter from?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, that I can't say!" he replies; "but it was a lady who gave +it to me."</p> + +<p>I stood still. The commissionaire left.</p> + +<p>I put the coin into the envelope again, crumple it up, coin and +envelope, wheel round and go straight towards the landlady, who is +still keeping an eye on me from the doorway, and throw it in her +face. I said nothing; I uttered no syllable--only noticed that she +was examining the crumpled paper as I left her.... Ha! that is what +one might call comporting oneself with dignity. Not to say a word, +not to mention the contents, but crumple together, with perfect +calmness, a large piece of money, and fling it straight in the face +of one's persecutor! One might call that making one's exit with +dignity. That was the way to treat such beasts I....</p> + +<p>When I got to the corner of Tomtegaden and the railway place, +the street commenced suddenly to swim around before my eyes; it +buzzed vacantly in my head, and I staggered up against the wall of +a house. I could simply go no farther, couldn't even straighten +myself from the cramped position I was in. As I fell up against it, +so I remained standing, and I felt that I was beginning to lose my +senses. My insane anger had augmented this attack of exhaustion. I +lifted my foot, and stamped on the pavement. I also tried several +other things to try and regain my strength: I clenched my teeth, +wrinkled my brows, and rolled my eyes despairingly; it helped a +little. My thoughts grew more lucid. It was clear to me that I was +about to succumb. I stretched out my hands, and pushed myself back +from the wall. The street still danced wildly round me. I began to +hiccough with rage, and I wrestled from my very inmost soul with my +misery; made a right gallant effort not to sink down. It was not my +intention to collapse; no, I would die standing. A dray rolls +slowly by, and I notice there are potatoes in it; but out of sheer +fury and stubbornness, I take it into my head to assert that they +are not potatoes, but cabbages, and I swore frightful oaths that +they were cabbages. I heard quite well what I was saying, and I +swore this lie wittingly; repeating time after time, just to have +the vicious satisfaction of perjuring myself. I got intoxicated +with the thought of this matchless sin of mine. I raised three +fingers in the air, and swore, with trembling lips, in the name of +the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that they were cabbages.</p> + +<p>Time went. I let myself sink down on the steps near me, and +dried the sweat from my brow and throat, drew a couple of long +breaths, and forced myself into calmness. The sun slid down; it +declined towards the afternoon. I began once more to brood over my +condition. My hunger was really something disgraceful, and, in a +few hours more, night would be here again. The question was, to +think of a remedy while there was yet time. My thoughts flew again +to the lodging-house from which I had been hunted away. I could on +no account return there; but yet one could not help thinking about +it. Properly speaking, the woman was acting quite within her rights +in turning me out. How could I expect to get lodging with any one +when I could not pay for it? Besides, she had occasionally given me +a little food; even yesterday evening, after I had annoyed her, she +offered me some bread and butter. She offered it to me out of sheer +good nature, because she knew I needed it, so I had no cause to +complain. I began, even whilst I sat there on the step, to ask her +pardon in my own mind for my behaviour. Particularly, I regretted +bitterly that I had shown myself ungrateful to her at the last, and +thrown half-a-sovereign in her face....</p> + +<p>Half-a-sovereign! I gave a whistle. The letter the messenger +brought me, where did it come from? It was only this instant I +thought clearly over this, and I divined at once how the whole +thing hung together. I grew sick with pain and shame. I whispered +"Ylajali" a few times, with hoarse voice, and flung back my head. +Was it not I who, no later than yesterday, had decided to pass her +proudly by if I met her, to treat her with the greatest +indifference? Instead of that, I had only aroused her compassion, +and coaxed an alms from her. No, no, no; there would never be an +end to my degradation! Not even in her presence could I maintain a +decent position. I sank, simply sank, on all sides--every way I +turned; sank to my knees, sank to my waist, dived under in +ignominy, never to rise again--never! This was the climax! To +accept half-a-sovereign in alms without being able to fling it back +to the secret donor; scramble for half-pence whenever the chance +offered, and keep them, use them for lodging money, in spite of +one's intense inner aversion....</p> + +<p>Could I not regain the half-sovereign in some way or another? To +go back to the landlady and try to get it from her would be of no +use. There must be some way, if I were to consider--if I were only +to exert myself right well, and consider it over. It was not, in +this case, great God, sufficient to consider in just an ordinary +way! I must consider so that it penetrated my whole sentient being; +consider and find some way to procure this half-sovereign. And I +set to, to consider the answer to this problem.</p> + +<p>It might be about four o'clock; in a few hours' time I could +perhaps meet the manager of the theatre; if only I had my drama +completed.</p> + +<p>I take out my MSS. there where I am sitting, and resolve, with +might and main, to finish the last few scenes. I think until I +sweat, and re-read from the beginning, but make no progress. No +bosh! I say--no obstinacy, now! and I write away at my drama--write +down everything that strikes me, just to get finished quickly and +be able to go away. I tried to persuade myself that a new supreme +moment had seized me; I lied right royally to myself, deceived +myself knowingly, and wrote on, as if I had no need to seek for +words.</p> + +<p>That is capital! That is really a find! whispered I, +interpolatingly; only just write it down! Halt! they sound +questionable; they contrast rather strongly with the speeches in +the first scenes; not a trace of the Middle Ages shone through the +monk's words. I break my pencil between my teeth, jump to my feet, +tear my manuscript in two, tear each page in two, fling my hat down +in the street and trample upon it. I am lost! I whisper to myself. +Ladies and gentlemen, I am lost! I utter no more than these few +words as long as I stand there, and tramp upon my hat.</p> + +<p>A policeman is standing a few steps away, watching me. He is +standing in the middle of the street, and he only pays attention to +me. As I lift my head, our eyes meet. Maybe he has been standing +there for a long time watching me. I pick up my hat, put it on, and +go over to him.</p> + +<p>"Do you know what time it is?" I ask. He pauses a bit as he +hauls out his watch, and never takes his eyes off me the whole +time.</p> + +<p>"About four," he replies.</p> + +<p>"Accurately," I say, "about four, perfectly accurate. You know +your business, and I'll bear you in mind." Thereupon I left him. He +looked utterly amazed at me, stood and looked at me, with gaping +mouth, still holding his watch in his hand.</p> + +<p>When I got in front of the Royal Hotel I turned and looked back. +He was still standing in the same position, following me with his +eyes.</p> + +<p>Ha, ha! That is the way to treat brutes! With the most refined +effrontery! That impresses the brutes--puts the fear of God into +them.... I was peculiarly satisfied with myself, and began to sing +a little strain. Every nerve was tense with excitement. Without +feeling any more pain, without even being conscious of discomfort +of any kind, I walked, light as a feather, across the whole market, +turned round at the stalls, and came to a halt--sat down on a bench +near Our Saviour's Church. Might it not just as well be a matter of +indifference whether I returned the half-sovereign or not? When +once I received it, it was mine; and there was evidently no want +where it came from. Besides, I was obliged to take it when it was +sent expressly to me; there could be no object in letting the +messenger keep it. It wouldn't do, either, to send it back--a whole +half-sovereign that had been sent to me. So there was positively no +help for it.</p> + +<p>I tried to watch the bustle about me in the market, and distract +myself with indifferent things, but I did not succeed; the +half-sovereign still busied my thoughts. At last I clenched my +fists and got angry. It would hurt her if I were to send it back. +Why, then, should I do so? Always ready to consider myself too good +for everything--to toss my head and say, No, thanks! I saw now what +it led to. I was out in the street again. Even when I had the +opportunity I couldn't keep my good warm lodging. No; I must needs +be proud, jump up at the first word, and show I wasn't the man to +stand trifling, chuck half-sovereigns right and left, and go my +way.... I took myself sharply to task for having left my lodging +and brought myself into the most distressful circumstances.</p> + +<p>As for the rest, I consigned the whole affair to the keeping of +the yellowest of devils. I hadn't begged for the half-sovereign, +and I had barely had it in my hand, but gave it away at once--paid +it away to utterly strange people whom I would never see again. +That was the sort of man I was; I always paid out to the last doit +whatever I owed. If I knew Ylajali aright, neither did she regret +that she had sent me the money, therefore why did I sit there +working myself into a rage? To put it plainly, the least she could +do was to send me half-a-sovereign now and then. The poor girl was +indeed in love with me--ha! perhaps even fatally in love with me; +... and I sat and puffed myself up with this notion. There was no +doubt that she was in love with me, the poor girl.</p> + +<p>It struck five o'clock! Again I sank under the weight of my +prolonged nervous excitement. The hollow whirring in my head made +itself felt anew. I stared straight ahead, kept my eyes fixed, and +gazed at the chemist's under the sign of the elephant. Hunger was +waging a fierce battle in me at this moment, and I was suffering +greatly. Whilst I sit thus and look out into space, a figure +becomes little by little clear to my fixed stare. At last I can +distinguish it perfectly plainly, and I recognize it. It is that of +the cake-vendor who sits habitually near the chemist's under the +sign of the elephant. I give a start, sit half-upright on the seat, +and begin to consider. Yes, it was quite correct--the same woman +before the same table on the same spot! I whistle a few times and +snap my fingers, rise from my seat, and make for the chemist's. No +nonsense at all! What the devil was it to me if it was the wages of +sin, or well-earned Norwegian huckster pieces of silver from +Kongsberg? I wasn't going to be abused; one might die of too much +pride....</p> + +<p>I go on to the corner, take stock of the woman, and come to a +standstill before her. I smile, nod as to an acquaintance, and +shape my words as if it were a foregone conclusion that I would +return sometime.</p> + +<p>"Good-day," say I; "perhaps you don't recognize me again."</p> + +<p>"No," she replied slowly, and looks at me.</p> + +<p>I smile still more, as if this were only an excellent joke of +hers, this pretending not to know me again, and say:</p> + +<p>"Don't you recollect that I gave you a lot of silver once? I did +not say anything on the occasion in question; as far as I can call +to mind, I did not; it is not my way to do so. When one has honest +folk to deal with, it is unnecessary to make an agreement, so to +say, draw up a contract for every trifle. Ha, ha! Yes, it was I who +gave you the money!"</p> + +<p>"No, then, now; was it you? Yes, I remember you, now that I come +to think over it...."</p> + +<p>I wanted to prevent her from thanking me for the money, so I +say, therefore, hastily, whilst I cast my eye over the table in +search of something to eat:</p> + +<p>"Yes; I've come now to get the cakes."</p> + +<p>She did not seem to take this in.</p> + +<p>"The cakes," I reiterate; "I've come now to get them--at any +rate, the first instalment; I don't need all of them today."</p> + +<p>"You've come to get them?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; of course I've come to get them," I reply, and I laugh +boisterously, as if it ought to have been self-evident to her from +the outset that I came for that purpose. I take, too, a cake up +from the table, a sort of white roll that I commenced to eat.</p> + +<p>When the woman sees this, she stirs uneasily inside her bundle +of clothes, makes an involuntary movement as if to protect her +wares, and gives me to understand that she had not expected me to +return to rob her of them.</p> + +<p>"Really not?" I say, "indeed, really not?" She certainly was an +extraordinary woman. Had she, then, at any time, had the experience +that some one came and gave her a heap of shillings to take care +of, without that person returning and demanding them again? No; +just look at that now! Did she perhaps run away with the idea that +it was stolen money, since I slung it at her in that manner? No; +she didn't think that either. Well, that at least was a good +thing--really a good thing. It was, if I might so say, kind of her, +in spite of all, to consider me an honest man. Ha, ha! yes indeed, +she really was good!</p> + +<p>But why did I give her the money, then? The woman was +exasperated, and called out loudly about it. I explained why I had +given her the money, explained it temperately and with emphasis. It +was my custom to act in this manner, because I had such a belief in +every one's goodness. Always when any one offered me an agreement, +a receipt, I only shook my head and said: No, thank you! God knows +I did.</p> + +<p>But still the woman failed to comprehend it. I had recourse to +other expedients--spoke sharply, and bade a truce to all nonsense. +Had it never happened to her before that any one had paid her in +advance in this manner? I inquired--I meant, of course, people who +could afford it--for example, any of the consuls? Never? Well, I +could not be expected to suffer because it happened to be a strange +mode of procedure to her. It was a common practice abroad. She had +perhaps never been outside the boundaries of her own country? No? +Just look at that now! In that case, she could of course have no +opinion on the subject; ... and I took several more cakes from the +table.</p> + +<p>She grumbled angrily, refused obstinately to give up any more of +her stores from off the table, even snatched a piece of cake out of +my hand and put it back into its place. I got enraged, banked the +table, and threatened to call the police. I wished to be lenient +with her, I said. Were I to take all that was lawfully mine, I +would clear her whole stand, because it was a big sum of money that +I had given to her. But I had no intention of taking so much, I +wanted in reality only half the value of the money, and I would, +into the bargain, never come back to trouble her again. Might God +preserve me from it, seeing that that was the sort of creature she +was.... At length she shoved some cakes towards me, four or five, +at an exorbitant price, the highest possible price she could think +of, and bade me take them and begone. I wrangled still with her, +persisted that she had at least cheated me to the extent of a +shilling, besides robbing me with her exorbitant prices. "Do you +know there is a penalty for such rascally trickery," said I; "God +help you, you might get penal servitude for life, you old fool!" +She flung another cake to me, and, with almost gnashing teeth, +begged me to go.</p> + +<p>And I left her.</p> + +<p>Ha! a match for this dishonest cake-vendor was not to be found. +The whole time, whilst I walked to and fro in the market-place and +ate my cakes, I talked loudly about this creature and her +shamelessness, repeated to myself what we both had said to one +another, and it seemed to me that I had come out of this affair +with flying colours, leaving her nowhere. I ate my cakes in face of +everybody and talked this over to myself.</p> + +<p>The cakes disappeared one by one; they seemed to go no way; no +matter how I ate I was still greedily hungry. Lord, to think they +were of no help! I was so ravenous that I was even about to devour +the last little cake that I had decided to spare, right from the +beginning, to put it aside, in fact, for the little chap down in +Vognmandsgade--the little lad who played with the paper streamers. +I thought of him continually--couldn't forget his face as he jumped +and swore. He had turned round towards the window when the man spat +down on him, and he had just looked up to see if I was laughing at +him. God knows if I should meet him now, even if I went down that +way.</p> + +<p>I exerted myself greatly to try and reach Vognmandsgade, passed +quickly by the spot where I had torn my drama into tatters, and +where some scraps of papers still lay about; avoided the policeman +whom I had amazed by my behaviour, and reached the steps upon which +the laddie had been sitting.</p> + +<p>He was not there. The street was almost deserted--dusk was +gathering in, and I could not see him anywhere. Perhaps he had gone +in. I laid the cake down, stood it upright against the door, +knocked hard, and hurried away directly. He is sure to find it, I +said to myself; the first thing he will do when he comes out will +be to find it. And my eyes grew moist with pleasure at the thought +of the little chap finding the cake.</p> + +<p>I reached the terminus again.</p> + +<p>Now I no longer felt hungry, only the sweet stuff I had eaten +began to cause me discomfort. The wildest thoughts, too surged up +anew in my head.</p> + +<p>Supposing I were in all secretness to cut the hawser mooring one +of those ships? Supposing I were to suddenly yell out "Fire"? I +walk farther down the wharf, find a packing-case and sit upon it, +fold my hands, and am conscious that my head is growing more and +more confused. I do not stir; I simply make no effort whatever to +keep up any longer. I just sit there and stare at the +<em>Copégoro</em>, the barque flying the Russian flag.</p> + +<p>I catch a glimpse of a man at the rail; the red lantern slung at +the port shines down upon his head, and I get up and talk over to +him. I had no object in talking, as I did not expect to get a +reply, either.</p> + +<p>I said:</p> + +<p>"Do you sail tonight, Captain?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; in a short time," answered the man. He spoke Swedish.</p> + +<p>"Hem, I suppose you wouldn't happen to need a man?"</p> + +<p>I was at this instant utterly indifferent as to whether I was +met by a refusal or not; it was all the same to me what reply the +man gave me, so I stood and waited for it.</p> + +<p>"Well, no," he replied; "unless it chanced to be a young +fellow."</p> + +<p>"A young fellow!" I pulled myself together, took off my glasses +furtively and thrust them into my pocket, stepped up the gangway, +and strode on deck.</p> + +<p>"I have no experience," said I; "but I can do anything I am put +to. Where are you bound for?"</p> + +<p>"We are in ballast for Leith, to fetch coal for Cadiz."</p> + +<p>"All right," said I, forcing myself upon the man; "it's all the +same to me where I go; I am prepared to do my work."</p> + +<p>"Have you never sailed before?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"No; but as I tell you, put me to a task, and I'll do it. I am +used to a little of all sorts."</p> + +<p>He bethought himself again.</p> + +<p>I had already taken keenly into my head that I was to sail this +voyage, and I began to dread being hounded on shore again.</p> + +<p>"What do you think about it, Captain?" I asked at last. "I can +really do anything that turns up. What am I saying? I would be a +poor sort of chap if I couldn't do a little more than just what I +was put to. I can take two watches at a stretch, if it comes to +that. It would only do me good, and I could hold out all the +same."</p> + +<p>"All right, have a try at it. If it doesn't work, well, we can +part in England."</p> + +<p>"Of course," I reply in my delight, and I repeated over again +that we could part in England if it didn't work.</p> + +<p>And he set me to work....</p> + +<p>Out in the fjord I dragged myself up once, wet with fever and +exhaustion, and gazed landwards, and bade farewell for the present +to the town--to Christiania, where the windows gleamed so brightly +in all the homes.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p>THE END</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p class="footnote"><strong>Footnotes</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn1"></a> <a href="#fnr1">[1]</a> +Issued by the barbers at cheaper rates, as few men in Norway shave +themselves.</p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn2"></a> <a href="#fnr2">[2]</a> +Steam cooking-kitchen and famous cheap eating-house.</p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn3"></a> <a href="#fnr3">[3]</a> The +last family bearing title of nobility in Norway.</p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn4"></a> <a href="#fnr4">[4]</a> +Theatre of Varieties, etc., and Garden in Christiania.</p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn5"></a> <a href="#fnr5">[5]</a> +Dwelling of the civil governor of a Stift or diocese.</p> + +<p class="footnote"><a name="fn6"></a> <a href="#fnr6">[6]</a> +In Norway, l4th of March and October.</p> + + + +<PRE> + + +</PRE> +<hr> +<PRE> + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, HUNGER *** + +This file should be named 8hngr10h.htm or 8hngr10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8hngr11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8hngr10ah.htm + + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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