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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***
+
+
+
+
+                         BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR
+
+                               CORRECTED;
+
+              A Concise Code of Deportment for Both Sexes.
+
+                                   BY
+                     AN OBSERVER OF MEN AND THINGS.
+
+    “It is a man’s manners that make his fortune.”--CORNELIUS NEPOS.
+
+                                LONDON:
+                GROOMBRIDGE & SONS, 5, PATERNOSTER ROW.
+
+                                 1855.
+
+
+
+
+                             INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+Books on Etiquette generally confine their attention to the usages
+of exclusively fashionable life, and are useful only in forming the
+habits of youth, or those who, suddenly elevated to a status higher
+than their natural reach, wish to adapt themselves to a kind of
+society to which they are more frequently allured by vanity than
+sense; for there is nothing more really hollow than the life termed
+_par-excellence_ FASHIONABLE. The middle ranks of life are acknowledged
+to be most tinctured with virtue, manliness, and religious feeling;
+for the vanities of wealth, and the debasements of poverty, are alike
+destructive of that uprightness of heart which civilization professes
+to insure. Not but that there are many estimable personages to be found
+in the highest walks of fashion and distinction; and many, aye, more
+than would be believed, who adorn the rugged paths of penury with the
+noblest examples of gentleness of manners and moral rectitude. Still,
+between these two extremes, what an enormous mass of individuals
+we find, who, immured in trade, hurried along in the anxieties of
+commercial life, find but few opportunities for the acquisition of the
+higher kinds of knowledge, and the refining usages which rob life of
+its harshness, and soften the heart in its communion with the world.
+Here we find the deficiencies of good-breeding mostly manifested; and
+here, too, the most laudable desire prevails for the attainment of
+those polishing touches which make us more congenial in our social
+intercourse, and which, by giving our better feelings their proper
+shape, by moulding our sentiments into elegance of expression, help us
+to resist all temptations to petty dealing, and even to check vice by
+making it unfashionable. Virtue and religion are not only compatible
+with elegance of manners, but are strengthened in their exercise by
+them; and every man who is not a misanthropist, every woman who is
+not a nun, must feel the necessity of attention to forms and usages,
+and to those elegancies of manner which characterize good-nature and
+uprightness of heart as much as they do a fashionable education.
+Politeness is as essential to the man of business as to the haunter
+of gaming-tables and west-end saloons; it is even more so to remove
+that reproach against trading influences in which the wealthy so often
+indulge. Good feeling is not improved by roughness of manner, nor is
+hospitality heightened by a negligent display. Friendship is more
+acceptable when its salutations and kindly offices are well-timed;
+and religion herself delights to be clothed in vestments of elegance
+and purity. Every man must account it a boon to enjoy admission to
+the best society, to mingle with those who, by learning, by polite
+accomplishments, and by the exercise of philanthropic and moral
+feelings, have lifted their lives out of the dull round of days and
+hours into a region of social sunshine; and none would willingly mar
+the perfection of such circles by carrying boorish manners into their
+midst, or destroy his enjoyment by the exhibition of an inaptitude
+to elegant society; nay, elegance should go with us to our homes;
+we should exercise politeness at the fireside to our wives, our
+husbands, our children, and our kindred generally, and not keep our
+good-manners exclusively as articles of exhibition to strangers. Many
+heart-burnings, many foolish indulgences in temper, many unkind words
+and deeds would thus be avoided; and while elegance of manner served
+frequently to check us in the pursuit of wrong, it would often prompt
+us to the culture of goodness, so long as we maintained that necessary
+distinction between the refinement of the heart and the mere outside
+show of feigned courtesy. Such hints as are offered here are intended
+to help in this direction, and are addressed to such as have not had
+the advantage of polite education and example in youth, and who may
+have formed their habits under adverse circumstances, and are not too
+vain of them to seek for improvement.
+
+
+
+
+                    BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR CORRECTED.
+
+
+ABSENCE OF MIND.--Chesterfield, in his “Advice to his Son,” justly
+characterises an absent man as unfit for business or conversation.
+Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs in most cases from a
+desire to be thought abstracted in profound contemplations. The world,
+however, gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence
+when he should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in
+this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget that he is
+studious when he enters company. I have seen many a man, who would
+have made a bright character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve,
+remove himself as far from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly,
+where social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of
+the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and,
+what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is
+sufficient, and we do hint, that abstractedness of manner should never
+be exhibited; the greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles
+when it so behoved them.
+
+
+ACCOMPLISHMENTS are by some considered too trifling for their
+attention, but no person desirous of the enjoyments of social life can
+spurn them without paying the penalty. Men of business are frequently
+denied the leisure necessary to render themselves moderately proficient
+in continental languages, music, dancing, and the arts of pleasing.
+Yet such things are essential, and add very much to our enjoyments;
+they tend to refine the nature, and form links of connection between
+persons of all ages, sexes, and dispositions. It is our duty to
+encourage everything of a refining nature, so long as we lose in the
+pursuit none of the solid excellencies of character; and, by a proper
+attention to such things, we insure for ourselves reception in quarters
+where we should be obnoxious without them. These acquisitions are
+equally important to both sexes, though those of the masculine gender
+are most guilty of the blunder of setting them at nought.
+
+
+AFFECTATION is more prevalent than people care to own. Ladies are
+terribly given to this folly. One affects not to know the colour of
+money, unless it be pin-money, and then her wits are unusually sharp.
+Another is so fashionable in her tastes, that she thinks it elegant
+to take no interest in her husband’s affairs; so that whether he
+prosper or fail in life seems all the same to her. I know a lady who
+has lately adopted the affectation of ignorance--a strange kind of
+affectation certainly. If she should hear a remark from a scientific
+man, in explanation of some curious natural phenomenon, she will toss
+her head aside and, with a benign but unmeaning smile, say, “Indeed!
+I don’t understand such things.” We do not seek for blue-stockings,
+but really we cannot do without common sense; and the pride of
+ignorance, whether it be fashionable or not, must be looked upon as a
+blunder of tremendous import. The affectation of superior wisdom is
+equally objectionable. If a person tells you something you already
+know, you are not to inform him in the middle of his story that you
+know it already. It is a mark of a most vulgar mind to parade your
+knowledge on any occasion, or seek repute in society as a person of
+great attainments. Some ardent young students are apt to interlard
+their conversation with scientific terms and explanations, and with
+quotations innumerable from out-of-the-way books. Such things are
+well enough in moderation; but if not tempered as to time and place,
+stamp the individual as conceited. I knew a man who, in every respect
+but one, was a model of deportment and sound sense; but in the one
+blunder of which he was guilty he managed, on every possible occasion,
+to mar the esteem in which he was everywhere held. He was a profound
+chemist, and on all subjects ready and well informed, but he introduced
+chemistry into his conversation so frequently, and soared to such
+etherial heights in his theoretic speculations, that his presence was
+at last dreaded. The ladies looked at him in awe, the frivolous young
+men jeered and tittered, and he was known at last by the sobriquet
+of the “Oxygen Nuisance.” But though few persons carry their conceit
+so far as this, too many of us are weak enough to think that what we
+especially delight in must prove equally acceptable to all we meet; and
+affectation, in this respect, must be guarded against by all who desire
+to conduct themselves in society so as to be respected and esteemed.
+
+Affectation of superiority is worse still, because it galls the
+feelings of those to whom it is offered. In company with an inferior,
+never let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his
+confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every way the
+same as his most distinguished guest. No reference to business should
+be made, and anything in the shape of command avoided. It is very easy
+by a look, a word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise
+to the other guests, “This is my clerk,” or, “The person I now treat
+as a guest was yesterday labouring in my service;” but such a thing
+would lower the host more than it would annoy the guest. Before Burns
+had arrived at his high popularity, he was once invited by some puffed
+up lairds to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of
+hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was shown into the
+servants’ hall, and left to dine with the menials. After dinner he
+was invited to the drawing-room, and, a glass of wine being handed to
+him, requested to sing one of his own songs. He immediately gave his
+entertainers that thrilling assertion of independence, “A man’s a man
+for a’ that,” and left the moment he had finished, his heart embittered
+at patronage offered in a manner so insulting to his poverty.
+
+If you take pains to mortify a man, to make him feel that he occupies
+an inferior station, that he stands below you in abilities, rank,
+or fortune, you offer him an insult, which, though he may be too
+much of a gentleman to resent, nevertheless he is sure to feel, and
+for which none of your kindnesses are a compensation. An inferior
+is even entitled to superior attention, that he may not have even
+the fear of being slighted; and, above all things, that he have
+sufficient confidence in himself, to mingle freely in conversation.
+True politeness consists in making everybody happy about you, and to do
+otherwise a proof of an uncultivated nature.
+
+
+AFFRONTS are to be borne more patiently than we are wont to bear them.
+To resent an affront is usually wrong, and for these reasons:--We
+are not always sure that an affront was intended, in which case
+resentment must be built upon error. We are not to carry in our breasts
+remembrance of every wrong, for we know not how many we ourselves
+unconsciously commit on others. If we cannot bear with trifling
+annoyances we must shun human society altogether, for it is a mixture
+of such with gratifications. Nature gives us corn with the chaff on,
+and in men she presents us with some paltry characters which we must
+tolerate. Besides, to take notice of every trifling annoyance shows too
+great a study of trifles, quite apart from the dignified bearing of
+gentlemanly conduct. Do not notice every offence, and you will not have
+many to trouble you.
+
+
+BALL ROOM.--Everybody knows it is a blunder to enter a ball room with
+the head covered; but everybody does not know that it is equally so to
+enter immediately after smoking, when every lady you speak to must put
+up with the Stygian fumes of your tainted breath. As to the elegancies
+of salutation, address, and so forth, every person who enters a ball
+room must be sufficiently prepared beforehand, by having mingled in
+genteel society; such things cannot be taught in words. Those who can
+dance know all the forms of ball room courtesy; but these are apt to
+commit blunders unless they study to please. Those unused to the ball
+room should enter it with confidence, seek a partner, and after one
+or two dances leave. After leading your partner to a seat leave her,
+but not abruptly; if you burden her with your society she may fail in
+getting another partner. Young men, who have not had much experience
+in polite circles, are sometimes so enamoured of a lady, after one or
+two dances, as to continue their companionship throughout the evening.
+This is a great error; you seek a partner for the dance only, and not
+for companionship and conversation. Do not lounge about the seats as a
+looker on, or you will be counted a bore. Should a lady express a wish
+not to dance, it is unpolite to press her; and it is equally unpolite
+to look after a certain lady as a partner, to haunt her, as it were,
+when perhaps she may not have the same desire to dance with you that
+you have for her. When a lady has engaged to dance with you, you are
+not to afflict her with your society as a matter of course; indeed, to
+sit with your partner for any length of time is a mark of ill-breeding.
+It is the thorough mingling of persons one with another that
+constitutes the charm of the ball room, and cliques and conversations
+are to be avoided. Relatives and lovers should associate as little as
+possible in the dance; and a man should but seldom, except in very
+homely parties, dance with his wife. Greetings in the ball room should
+be quietly performed, so as not to attract attention.
+
+Ladies are generally _au fait_ in ball room etiquette; but having once
+or twice seen a lady rambling in the room by herself, I will here hint,
+for the benefit of my fair readers, that a lady should not leave her
+seat to cross the room, or speak to a friend, unless accompanied by a
+gentleman. A little observation, and a modest confidence, will enable
+any person to acquire ease and elegance in parties where dancing is
+going on.
+
+
+BUTTON-HOLDING.--Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the
+button, “for if people are not willing to hear you, you had much better
+hold your tongue than them.” Button-holding is not a common vice, but
+pointing, nudging, hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving
+him a kick of recognition under the table, are too common not to be
+noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and
+gestures are equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who
+desire to soar above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by
+hearing a friend discourse on some person’s failings or excellencies,
+the person referred to being known only to the speaker. It is a bad
+rule to talk of persons at all, but more especially if the person
+spoken of is not known to all the listeners.
+
+
+CALLS.--When you call on a friend and do not find him at home, leave
+your card, your name will not be sufficient. After having made a
+call, it is the duty of your acquaintance to return it; and unless it
+be returned (peculiar circumstances being allowed for) you must not
+call again, but infer that he wishes to drop your acquaintance. This,
+indeed, is a safe mode of breaking off an acquaintance, and this is
+the mode adopted in polite society. No one complains, but the thing is
+silently dropped. In making morning calls, you are not to stay above
+ten or fifteen minutes, and during the whole time you are to keep
+your hat in your hand, and not part with it for a moment. This custom
+seems ridiculous at first sight, but, like most ceremonies, has a good
+meaning in it. By holding your hat you indicate that you are about to
+leave, and do not expect an invitation to dinner; while, if your host
+wishes you to stay, he will beg you to be relieved of the incumbrance.
+It is a ruinous practice to make a call anywhere at the hour of dinner.
+You may, perhaps, be invited to sit down, but if the thing be repeated,
+your acquaintance will be unwelcome. This would scarcely seem worth
+mentioning, but the practice prevails a good deal, and is a blunder to
+be guarded against.
+
+
+CHILDREN.--Almost every parent commits the blunder of making too much
+of his children in the presence of visitors. It is very pardonable
+in fond mothers, but papas are the most subject to make themselves
+ridiculous on this score. Remember the old motto about regarding your
+geese as swans, and do not thrust your children on your visitors as
+prodigies of beauty, eccentricity, and excellence. The other extreme
+is just as bad; and to thrust your children from the room, or to treat
+them harshly in the presence of others, makes you look as if you were
+ashamed of them. Still, as a rule, children should not be obtruded on
+the attention of visitors, or made to exhibit their parts to those who
+feel compelled to praise even in spite of disapprobation. My friend
+R---- often burdens me with anecdotes of his boy’s roguery, and this in
+presence of the boy himself. Whereupon the child, fired with parental
+approval, begins to pinch and pummel me, much to my annoyance; though
+I can bear this better than I can to hear my friend talk of his son’s
+musical predilections, which always lead the youngster to a sham
+pianoforte performance with his fingers on the table, or to the humming
+of some tune in a tone loud enough to stop all conversation.
+
+
+CLEANLINESS of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred
+person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at
+home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling
+oneself with the remark, “Nobody will call to-day.” Should somebody
+call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury
+to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we
+are unseen.
+
+
+COMMANDS should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman
+requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance,
+whatever our station, as to give orders in the “imperative mood,” nor
+are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on
+any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed
+by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should
+not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.
+
+
+CONTROL OF TEMPER.--It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or
+angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every
+circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance to be easily
+ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us
+into ill-judged expressions of feeling. “He that is soon angry dealeth
+foolishly.”
+
+
+CONVERSATION ranks the highest among social enjoyments. To converse
+well requires extensive knowledge, elegance of manner, command of
+temper, and a desire to please. He who cannot converse to the profit
+of the company, must listen for the profit of himself; though no one
+need preserve a stolid silence from excessive bashfulness or conscious
+inability. The smallest remark may be well-timed and elegantly uttered;
+the lightest observation properly pointed and emphasised, and the most
+trivial question put with modesty, grace, and elegance of expression.
+Yet, in middle-class society, how little really good conversation do
+we hear? How frequently personalities creep in; how one gives way to
+undue warmth when his religious and political principles are assailed;
+how another jests and puns upon the most serious subjects; or a third
+plays the pedant by the use of a string of technicalities, which he
+himself scarcely understands, to adorn his shallow learning and his
+imperfect judgment. Of that shallow talk in which the fast-going men
+of the day indulge--a drawling mixture of the quasi-fashionable and
+the idiotic--we do not speak at all, for it is not conversation but
+slow prattle, too tinctured with the germs of vice to be childish,
+but too silly for the utterance of men. We speak of what bears the
+name of conversation amongst the reading and thinking portion of
+middle-class society, which is to be heard at social gatherings, at
+quiet dinner parties, and by the family tea-table. The conversation in
+these quarters is not equal to the personages; they are apt to descend
+below themselves for the sake of displaying incipient wit, imperfect
+knowledge, execrable powers of criticism, or for the achievement of
+some petty conquest in argument. Pity that many good societies should
+be marred by unbridled and untamed tongues. Pity that conversation is
+not everywhere made a matter of study, that men will not exercise as
+much care in speaking their thoughts as they do in writing them.
+
+Among the most glaring social blunders to be noticed under this head
+are, talking too much of ourselves. This is a blunder very commonly
+committed, and is as much a mark of vanity as want of sense. Really
+_great men_ have never said much of themselves, therefore we may
+infer, by the converse argument, that he who indulges in talking of
+himself must be a really _small man_. In the whole of Shakspere’s plays
+and poems you do not gather enough of the poet’s history to settle
+definitely the question whether he was lame or not, or even to fix,
+with any certainty, his opinions on political and religious subjects.
+He who talks much of himself is also apt to tell of the injuries he has
+sustained. This is a very common blunder, but a most unpardonable one.
+It is undignified to carry our woes about with us, and retail them out
+to others, saying how such-a-one has cheated us of money, how another
+has offered us an insult, and so on. If you cannot say something
+cheerful to your friend, keep at a distance, and let him enjoy at peace
+his own cogitations. What are your affairs to other people? keep your
+own counsel, and be not too ready to make confidants.
+
+If you are not to talk of yourself freely, so are you not to talk
+freely of others. I regret to have to confess here, that scandal, in
+some shape or other, is the bane of our English society, and needs as
+severe lashing now-a-days as it did when Sheridan wrote his wonderful
+comedy. Though when these pages meet the reader’s eye he will perhaps
+be unwilling to own it, but I will still insist, that both sexes are
+universally addicted to this vice in some form or other; and that it
+is sheer vanity, or perhaps even shame, which prompts men to make the
+charge of scandal against females, while they repudiate any share in
+the guilt themselves. The shapes scandal takes are so numerous, that it
+is impossible here to attempt to define them. Let the reader reflect
+on this, and ask himself whether he has ever indulged in scandal, even
+in a mild form. Let my lady friends, too, ponder awhile, and next time
+they find the tongue running away in condemnation of an absent friend,
+sister, or brother, or in severe criticism on such and such a person’s
+conduct, take the assurance that such conduct is unkind, unfair, mean,
+paltry, _ungenteel_. The quiet, half-expressed sneer is still more
+detestable, for it is more injurious, more insidious in its operation,
+more secret in its manner, and hence more discreditable to the utterer.
+A person who indulges in depreciatory remarks, insinuations, sneers,
+and the like, no matter though he _thinks_ he has good grounds for
+them, is like the viper, which steals noiselessly on its unsuspecting
+victim, gives its sting in silence, and disappears. To slander,
+in plain terms, is better than to hint and insinuate, but both are
+evidences of a mean and contemptible mind.
+
+Contradictions are usually given too abruptly, and sometimes lead to
+wrangling, or if not noticed by the parties receiving them, are still
+apt to rankle and annoy secretly, and destroy the harmony which ought
+to prevail in an assembly of friends. It is equally absurd to make
+bets or to strengthen a statement or argument by an offer of a bet in
+support of it. Such things are worthy only of the lowest rabble, and
+no man making pretensions to the status of a gentleman should descend
+to it. Oaths of all kinds are as ungentlemanly as they are wicked; and
+the frequent use of the condemnatory oath as verb, adjective, and noun,
+both immoral and degrading.
+
+There are some men, of respectable position and pretensions, who are
+so barren of general intelligence that they can talk of nothing except
+their own business affairs. Such men are very worthless in social
+society, and we conjure the reader at all times to steer clear of
+conduct which so readily indicates vulgarity and emptiness. A tradesman
+will perhaps sit down at your table, and endeavour to entertain you
+with an account of sales and purchases; anon comes a thin-minded
+solicitor’s clerk, who brings with him a string of appeals and motions;
+then an incipient author, who tells you of the immense mass of verses
+he has written for the behoof of cheesemongers and trunkmakers; and,
+to wind up, a portly widow repeats for the hundredth time the story
+of her troubles, her husband’s failure and death, and her present
+endeavours to establish a little business in the millinery way. Those
+who sit in such a company, and withhold, for decency’s sake, the story
+of their own affairs, find that the evening has been utterly wasted,
+for not one spark of general intelligence, not one item of general
+information, not one coruscation of original humour has illuminated the
+dull round of these many wasted hours. I would sooner console myself
+with a newspaper, and read the list of bankruptcies and suicides, than
+listen to a man who indulged in descriptions of his own skill in trade,
+his losses and profits, or the thousand and one trifles which we all
+have to consider and remember, but which are of no interest to any but
+ourselves.
+
+The affectation of wisdom is a very common vice amongst
+pseudo-students. For instance, Mr. Smallweed, who is really a
+well-informed man, is so conceited in this respect that he cannot,
+when the subject of the conversation affords him opportunity, avoid
+interlarding his remarks with technicalities and remote allusions. He
+would not speak of finches or whales but under the Cuvierian terms
+of _Fringillidæ_ or _Cetacæ_, or refer to the Canadian columbine, or
+the field pimpernel, but under their botanical names of _Aquilegia
+Canadensis_ or _Anagallis arvensis_. Such terms are neither elegant
+nor appropriate in mixed society; and so far from causing the ladies
+to look up in astonishment at the profound learning of the speaker--an
+effect usually intended and wished for--they are more likely to indulge
+in a sly titter, and vote his hard words a bother. This is the “little
+learning” which Bacon terms “a dangerous thing” and must be avoided by
+those who would cultivate good-breeding, which is always more allied
+to simplicity of expression, and transparency of conduct, than to
+complicated technicalities, or dark mysterious doings. Another fault
+of Mr. Smallweed is, that he never pays proper attention to another
+speaker; the music of his own voice is too great a charm for him, and
+he thinks it must have a very siren-like tone to others; so he rambles
+on till some wag asks him if he has a dictionary with him, when he
+drops into sulkiness, looks black, and is quieted for a time. While
+upon Mr. Smallweed’s failings, let me refer to his habitual mode of
+referring to other persons, for this fault of his is very common to
+the civilized specimen of (to use his phrase) the anthropological
+animal. For instance, instead of saying, “My friend, Mr. Simpson, told
+me so-and-so,” he invariably says, “Simpson told me so-and-so,” or,
+“Longman’s are the publishers of So-and-so’s book.” A gentleman never
+drops the “Mr.,” or the “Messieurs,” the “Dr.,” the “Professor,” or any
+other title or mode of address to which persons are entitled. It is
+ungentlemanly to speak of “Bulwer’s last novel,” or “the new edition of
+Gill’s Commentary.” We should say, “Sir Edward Lytton Bulwer,” and “Dr.
+Gill,” and not abbreviate, as if a respectful mention of a person cost
+us more breath than he is worth.
+
+A few short rules for conversation may here be useful; and I offer
+them in the fewest words possible, because I think that for those who
+wish to cultivate a polite bearing, and conserve the good feeling which
+usually accompanies gentlemanly conduct, a hint is alone sufficient.
+
+1. Do not talk too long together, for fear of tiring your hearers,
+and so as to afford others an opportunity of talking also. 2. Watch
+your listeners to be sure that they are interested, and if they appear
+not to be, allow the conversation to take its own shape in some other
+channel. 3. If you observe a person about to make a remark, give him
+the opportunity by pausing and assuming an attentive and _expectant_
+countenance. 4. If you tell stories let them be short, pointed,
+appropriate, and without digression. 5. Avoid repetitions and hackneyed
+phrases. 6. Use as few gestures as possible; on a Frenchman gestures
+and grimaces set very well, because they are natural to the people,
+but the English gentleman seldom indulges in pantomime, and never in
+mimicry. 7. Exercise your skill as a listener occasionally, and listen
+attentively and with appreciation. If you are a listener by nature, and
+hence not a talker, do not suffer yourself to become habitually dumb,
+or your society will be seldom acceptable. 8. Never anticipate a slow
+speaker, and avoid correcting another in his pronunciation. Friends,
+on very familiar terms, may correct each other occasionally, but not
+in the presence of a third party, and always in a quiet and respectful
+manner. 9. Do not give advice unasked. 10. Give a speaker respectful
+attention and look him in the face while speaking. 11. Be not too free
+in speaking your mind; remember that your mind may not be always right,
+and frankness of speech is not to be commended when its conclusions
+are built up by unsound reasoning on incorrect data; besides, by plain
+speaking you may frequently wound a sensitive person, and one, too,
+having quite as noble views of things as yourself. People who pride
+themselves on speaking their minds are generally very vain of their
+opinions, and forgetful of the old motto as to the good intentions with
+which a certain place is said to be paved. 12. Never burden ladies
+with arguments. They are very wise in dreading them as they do. 13.
+Treat females as becomes them, and indulge none of those vanities, so
+prevalent at the present day, of regarding women as inferior beings.
+14. Swearing, coarse jokes, indecent anecdotes, slang phrases, and
+personal allusions are very common, but not the less unprofitable,
+unreasonable, ungentlemanly, low, and reprehensible. Avoid them; they
+are the puddles of the mind, in which the more we dabble the more we
+are soiled, degraded, and lessened in the esteem both of others and
+ourselves.
+
+
+DINING OUT.--When entering where you are invited to dine make your
+obeisance to the lady of the house, and do not consider yourself a
+guest until you have seen her. In leading a lady down stairs do not
+rush forward and perform the task clumsily. In going down the lady
+should have the widest side, supposing the stair to have a wide and
+narrow side, as is the case with winding staircases. But it is better
+to take the wrong side at once than stand perplexed, or to change sides
+after once having given a lady your arm. The rule is for the lady you
+take down to sit on your right hand; but when you take down the hostess
+you should sit on her right hand--namely, in the seat of honour. Of
+course every guest cannot enjoy this privilege, hence, where there
+are many invited, the host either assigns her to some favoured guest,
+or the most elderly gentleman, or party of highest rank, assumes the
+office. It is always better for the host to request some person, whom
+he considers his chief guest, to take down the lady of the house. The
+other ladies are paired off in the same manner by the host, whose duty
+it is to arrange the company so that they may sit in comfort at the
+meal. The host himself selects the chief lady visitor, and leads her
+off first. The hostess sees all down before leaving, therefore, if you
+are to escort her, allow her time to usher her guests away. A stickler
+for etiquette, in writing on this subject, says--
+
+“A custom, lately come in, seems to be deservedly gaining ground:
+instead of sitting at the top and bottom of the table, the host and
+hostess sit opposite each other at the middle; by which means they
+are more at ease, more in the centre of their guests, and better able
+to communicate with each other. George IV. adopted this practice
+twenty years ago: it is followed by the present queen. According to
+this arrangement, two persons can be accommodated at each end of the
+table--not a bad point where there is limited accommodation.
+
+“A dinner party usually lasts four hours. If you go at six, you may
+order your carriage at ten; if at seven, it may come at eleven; and
+so on. What dinner hours are by-and-bye to come to I cannot tell. Not
+many years ago, dinner at five o’clock was thought mighty genteel;
+then we had half-past five; next came six, and six and a-half--both
+of which are now general; but seven is also far from uncommon. That
+the fashionable dinner hour will be pushed on to eight, to nine, or to
+ten, is what we may reasonably expect. When it comes to this pass, will
+dinner bound back to its ancient hours, or will it be extinguished as a
+formal meal?”
+
+Fashion runs mad occasionally, and it has lately done so in thrusting
+the task of carving on ladies. This must be regarded as a blunder we
+should hope soon to be corrected. The task of carving is no light
+one--it is really a masculine operation, and utterly inappropriate
+for the style of ladies’ dresses, manners, and manual weakness. What
+fashion insists on, in this respect, common sense must condemn.
+
+You must make yourself as useful as possible at the dinner-table, and
+be attentive in supplying the wants of others, especially ladies,
+but avoid obtruding your services. Reaching across the table is very
+vulgar, as it is also to indulge any peculiarities of appetite, such
+as eating condiments with dishes with which they are not usually
+accompanied. I knew an elderly gentleman who always insisted on having
+mustard with his pastry, so that when his favourite condiment had
+been removed it had to be brought back for him, causing considerable
+disturbance. Good sense will dictate to a person rather to refrain from
+eating a particular dish than disarrange the table in order to gratify
+an eccentric whim.
+
+To eat quick, or very slow, are marks of ill-breeding; and to put
+your nose in your plate, or emit that peculiar bubbling sound, which
+some indulge in when imbibing soup, vulgar and obnoxious. Coughing
+and sneezing are not always to be avoided, but much may be done to
+conserve elegance and propriety at dinner in checking these and other
+infirmities.
+
+It is very painful to see a joint carved ungracefully, but nothing but
+practice will enable you to carve well. Novices in life have a great
+dread of carving poultry, but it is a less difficult operation than is
+usually imagined; and I would advise my readers to practice at home,
+and acquire ease in such duties before incurring the responsibility at
+a friend’s table. It is better to request some one near you to carve
+a fowl than to run the risk of spoiling the bird, and at the same
+time bespattering some lady’s dress with the gravy. But guard against
+bashfulness in such matters; do with confidence whatever you feel you
+can do well, or you will endanger the comfort of yourself and others.
+
+
+DINING AT HOME.--When you invite several friends to dine with you have
+your dinner ready within a short time after the hour named, but not
+punctually to a moment, that any who have not arrived may not feel
+slighted at your having commenced dinner. Do not invite, at the same
+time, persons who are not on terms with each other, though it is a
+delicate matter, always, to take into consideration other people’s
+differences. Among kindred it is often advisable to pursue an opposite
+course--for many a friendship, among relatives, is renewed at another
+table, where petty differences are, of course, to be forgotten. Study
+the tastes of your guests; and if there is any particular dish which
+your visitors will prefer, set it before them, and with the remark,
+“I think I noticed you to prefer this or that;” or, “I think you are
+partial to so-and-so, I therefore obtained it for you.” If you go out
+of your way to humour your friend you are not to be too modest to let
+him know it, though you are not to exaggerate your attention, and make
+him feel that you burden him with attentions.
+
+
+DRINKING HEALTHS has happily gone out of fashion. Except in bachelor’s
+parties, where a few old-school notions are preserved, it is considered
+very unpolite to give toasts and healths.
+
+
+DISPUTES lead to discord; and a man fond of disputation soon gets
+the repute of a quibbler. Objections may be politely taken without
+involving the objector in a controversy. The polite man avoids
+anything which may lead to a protracted debate.
+
+
+DRESS.--The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine her
+guests. I have seen many instances where ladies, fond of dress (and
+what lady is not fond of dress), and conscious that it is unbecoming to
+dress to excess when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain
+the desire of display, have made the whole of her guests look shabby,
+by the contrast of her own gay colours. To dress meanly is a mark of
+disrespect to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay
+appearance. If you make a grand display yourself you are apt to appear
+as if you wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer to
+be under than over the mark. In going out consider the sort of company
+you are likely to meet, and endeavour to assimilate to them as much as
+possible--for to make a great display elsewhere is an evidence of bad
+taste. But here, if you miss the happy medium, dress above the mark
+rather than below it, for you may dress more out of doors than you
+may at home. Where dancing is expected to take place no one should go
+without new kid gloves; nothing is so revolting as to see one person
+in an assembly ungloved, especially where the heat of the room, and
+the exercise together, are sure to make the hands redder than usual.
+Gentlemen seldom indulge in gaudy or light colours; but quasi-gentlemen
+do blaze a little in this way, and carry their character with them
+accordingly. The abolition of the white neckcloth is, in my opinion, to
+be regretted; still, fashion has declared it shall be used no longer,
+and at the most _recherche_ assemblies the gentlemen all wear black
+stocks or neckerchiefs.
+
+
+ECCENTRICITIES should never be indulged away from home. They are rather
+the tokens of vanity, than the evidences of peculiar idiosyncracies.
+An eccentric man is always dreaded; and though the world has been
+indulgent, in this respect, to a few great geniuses, it is usually very
+harsh on the matter to ordinary mortals. Besides, no man was ever great
+by virtue of his peculiarities, but in spite of them.
+
+
+EXCESSES.--It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to
+excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride
+themselves on their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially
+in the latter. These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose
+them. The man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or
+later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, and not even
+by them be respected. Guard against excess in all things, as neither
+gentlemanly nor human.
+
+
+ENGAGEMENTS.--Some time ago it was fashionable for parties to
+arrive some time after the appointed hour. Fashion now insists on
+punctuality--and therein fashion is right. The unpunctual can never lay
+claim to gentility.
+
+
+FAMILIARITY.--Too ready an adoption of familiarity is to be guarded
+against; and it is a blunder very frequently made for a person to
+consider himself on terms of intimacy with another after one pleasant
+conversation with him. You may be delighted with a man the first
+time you hear him discourse, but you are not, therefore, to consider
+yourself his intimate friend. Eminent literary men, who usually
+entertain the company vastly wherever they go, and whose society is
+much sought after, are especially apt to be annoyed by the ready
+familiarity of persons, of whom they know nothing more than that,
+on some previous occasion, they met at dinner. I remember a case in
+point:--A person of not very bright parts or fashionable associations,
+met for the first time an eminent writer, Mr. C---- D----. Delighted
+by his conversation, and assured by his affability, this person got
+up a party expressly to invite Mr. C---- D----, and possibly, also,
+to display him to his friends as an intimate acquaintance. The other
+saw through the trick the moment the invitation arrived, and at once
+accepted it. The evening came, then the guests, and lastly Mr. C----
+D----. All eyes were fixed on him--he was as attractive as a prize ox.
+All ears were attentive, and the happy moment, when he should begin
+to talk, waited for with many heart-beatings. But he was too deep for
+them; he sat for hours, drank coffee, wine, answered a few questions,
+but otherwise spoke not a word. The whole affair was a miserable
+failure, and Mr. C---- D---- went away, satisfied, no doubt, in having
+inflicted a merited punishment on ill-judged familiarity, and perhaps
+resolved to tell the story some day, better than I have done, in one of
+his inimitable works.
+
+
+FAVOURS are to be offered without show of patronage, and accepted
+without servile gratitude. Not to acknowledge a favour gracefully is
+unpardonable, but to load the donor with sickly gratitude a blunder
+most abominable.
+
+
+FIDGETTING.--Very many people, who have acquired fidgetty ways, carry
+them wherever they go to the annoyance of all who meet them. I once
+had a visitor who nibbled up a whole bundle of cigar lights in the
+course of an evening, and while so engaged with his fingers and teeth,
+rubbed a hole with his foot in a new Brussels carpet. Shifting about
+in a chair, putting the legs now on the fender, now under the table,
+scratching at pimples, biting the lip, &c., are fidgetty actions,
+destructive of a polite bearing.
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP AND ACQUAINTANCE are to be distinguished from each other in
+worldly affairs. Acquaintances sometimes become the depositories of
+secrets which should be even guardedly told to friends. Be wary how you
+treat a mere acquaintance, that you do not place your affairs in his
+hands, and on the slightest rupture regret having reposed in him too
+much confidence. Acquaintances made at convivial meetings are generally
+as hollow as the meetings themselves. Under the temptations of
+hospitality men confide in each other more than wisdom would dictate,
+and the “evening’s diversions” do not always “bear the morning’s
+reflections.”
+
+
+HOMELY PARTIES.--There is a class of recreation that cannot be too much
+praised, and which people, in middle class life, are very apt in making
+as nearly perfect as possible. These are Christmas gatherings, birthday
+and other feasts, and friendly tea-drinkings, where comfort and
+hospitality reign above fashion. Yet, though fashionable arrangements
+do not extensively prevail in these, what we hint at, as necessary
+in social gatherings of a higher kind, is not to be neglected here.
+Politeness of manner, affability of temper, decorum, and proper taste
+in dress are things to be considered; for though you are not required
+to observe strictly fashionable rules, but to enjoy yourself in body
+and mind, much of the comfort depends on the observance of trifles; and
+we advise all who love these unpretending entertainments to study their
+behaviour as much in these cases as they would for more fashionable
+assemblies. Ease should be preferred to starched formality, but
+boorishness should not disgrace the familiarity which is offered by the
+host, and expected from the guest.
+
+
+HOSPITALITY goes hand in hand with politeness. When you invite friends
+do not treat your own invitation so lightly that it shall appear you do
+not value your company. Study to please and to afford enjoyment, and,
+in a modest manner, let your guests see that you do study them, and
+their pleasure will be enhanced.
+
+
+HURRY.--A man of sense never exhibits haste. A thing done in a hurry is
+not likely to be well done. Some men of business pride themselves on
+being always pressed for time, they think it displays activity of mind;
+but, on the contrary, it exhibits weakness and vulgar breeding. Ease
+of action does not imply sluggishness of mind, nor does undue haste
+betoken importance.
+
+
+IMITATION.--There are few who can resist the tendency of human nature
+to imitate. Let one young man of a group take to swearing, and the
+rest of his juvenile friends will immediately follow the practice.
+I have known the style of conversation, in a complete circle of
+acquaintance, to be changed by the peculiarities of one of its members;
+impressed with those peculiarities, the rest have set about apeing
+him to the best of their poor abilities, and succeeded in making
+themselves ridiculous. There is a passage in Shirley Hibberd’s story
+of “Cloribel,” which we would offer here as a motto for every sensible
+youth, “Be thyself and none other, and we will love thee, whatsoe’er
+thou art.” Imitate the perfections, not the vices, the excellencies
+rather than the blemishes of a man; but preserve your individuality as
+far as you are able.
+
+
+INTRODUCTIONS should be performed with great grace and judgment. Be
+careful, too, whom you introduce; I have seen more than one friend
+ruined by an ill-judged introduction. It is a common blunder to
+introduce persons in the street. If you meet an acquaintance when
+you have a friend on your arm, bow and pass on with a “good day,” or
+similar greeting, unless there be special reasons for halting. We only
+reprobate street introductions _as a rule_. There are exceptions to
+that as to all rules. We have once or twice been mortified by a sudden
+introduction on a door-step. Consider time and place. It is necessary,
+too, in most cases, to ask permission of a friend before you introduce
+him to another; and a lady must be introduced to a gentleman, not a
+gentleman to a lady.
+
+
+INVITATIONS.--The writer from whom we have already quoted, says on this
+subject, “When you ask a person to dinner, let it, if possible, be done
+a week or ten days in advance; because, to ask a person only a day or
+two days before, looks as if you had been disappointed of somebody
+else, and had asked him as a mere stop-gap. A short invitation is only
+allowable for off-hand parties, or with strangers who are passing
+through a town.
+
+“When you invite a person to dinner, or any other party at your house,
+specify only one day. Don’t say you will be glad to see him on either
+of two days, as Tuesday or Wednesday next. And why? Because this person
+may not wish to dine with or visit you at all; and so far from a choice
+of days being thought an act of kindness, it may be considered one of
+servility, if not rudeness. Always state only one day; and let the
+invitation, like the answer, be unequivocal.
+
+“Invitations for several weeks in advance are almost as bad as
+invitations for alternate days; because long invitations convey the
+impression that the inviter is desperately ill off for guests, and
+wishes to insure a number at all risks. The person invited is also apt
+to feel that it is not _his_ pleasure or convenience that is consulted;
+and to raise a feeling of this kind is anything but consistent with
+true politeness.
+
+“The receiver of an invitation has a duty to perform as well as its
+giver. It is incumbent on him to say _yes_ or _no_ at once--not
+to allow a post or a day to elapse before answering. The reason is
+obvious: a delay on his part looks as if he were waiting for a better
+invitation before he made up his mind. Not to send a speedy reply,
+therefore, is one of the worst pieces of breeding of which a man can
+be guilty. It is also not using the inviter well; for a dinner-party
+usually consists only of a certain number, and if you cannot accept the
+invitation, say so, in order that time may be allowed to invite another
+person in your place. Let the answer also be distinct, no uncertainty
+is allowable; and if the invitation be accepted, let it be kept.
+
+“The answer to an invitation should be directed to the lady of the
+house.”
+
+An invitation may be refused, or you cannot have a will of your own;
+but the refusal should be couched in the kindest, briefest, and most
+polite terms.
+
+
+JESTING.--Never make sport of the failings or peculiarities of another.
+Such things are common, but none the more admirable. If a joke is
+levelled at you, do not suffer your temper to get the worse of you,
+but join in the laugh good-temperedly, and the jester will be beaten
+by your good humour. Jests are not always vulgar, and are allowable
+with familiar friends, but never with strangers, and always without
+personality or ill feeling.
+
+
+LADIES.--Some coxcombs pride themselves on their female acquaintance,
+and talk freely to their convivial friends of them. This is a
+detestable vice, and at once stamps a man as base and cowardly. Others
+affect a contempt for women, and treat them slightingly. Such conduct
+is at the least unmanly, and generally springs from a puffed-up
+conceit. Deference is due to woman in every station of society, and is
+a characteristic of the true gentleman.
+
+
+LEAVING COMPANY.--French leave is the fashion now-a-days in good
+society, and we should hope will continue so. By this method you slip
+out, shake hands quietly and unobserved with the host and hostess,
+and the party goes on undisturbed; otherwise the movement of one is
+frequently the signal for the movement of another, and the party is
+broken up prematurely. I have seen, in homely assemblies, a sedate
+matron retire to dress, and re-appear with bonnet and shawl on to
+shake hands with the whole company. Nothing can be more vulgar, or
+detrimental to the life of a party, however unpretending its character.
+
+
+LETTERS.--To answer letters promptly, explicitly, and briefly, is a
+duty incumbent on every person receiving one. I have known persons
+leave letters for weeks unanswered, with the consoling remark, “Ah!
+there’s So-and-so’s letter, I must answer that in a day or two.” What
+should we think if we spoke to a man and did not get a reply for a
+fortnight, and yet to delay answering a letter is as unbecoming. In
+addressing persons, be particular to assign them their proper rank, and
+make no difference in your mode of address, even if a quarrel takes
+place, unless the intimacy is formally broken off, when the “Dear Sir”
+must relapse into the “Sir” again. I have once or twice been annoyed by
+a person who had always addressed me “Dear Sir,” address me as “Sir,”
+after I had had a slight difference. I always knew then I had a paltry
+mind to deal with, and acted accordingly. Impertinent and insolent
+letters are best not answered. Of all things keep clear of a paper
+war; it is a conflict in which the gentleman is sure to be flogged out
+of you. Long letters are indulged in very much by the uncultivated,
+but brevity in writing is the rule for a gentleman. Invitations by
+letter should proceed from the lady of the house, and replies should
+be addressed to her in return. I would recommend adherence to this
+rule, even in little invitations to tea passing from one friend to
+another. They give wives their proper place and importance, and that is
+essential to decorum, comfort, and propriety.
+
+
+MOURNING.--In calling on a friend who is in distress, put on a
+little mourning also, or at least go in no flashy attire. If your
+correspondent seals his letters with black, seal yours to him with
+black also.
+
+
+MYSTERIOUSNESS.--Never be dark or mysterious. If propriety does not
+allow you to say a thing outright, do not allude to it at all. A
+gentleman always attends to those old but excellent mottoes, “Mind your
+own business,” and “A still tongue makes a wise head.”
+
+
+PUNCTUALITY is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who
+does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of
+gentlemen, and will soon find himself shut out from it.
+
+
+PUNNING is of late years very much indulged in. It is not altogether
+objectionable, but is liable to become so; for punsters, like mad dogs,
+when once started, run on till they are exhausted. Punning, too, is the
+lowest species of wit, and unless puns are most happily pointed, and
+free from all personal allusion, they are silly and contemptible. If
+you pun, do not laugh at your own joke.
+
+
+PURSE-PRIDE is to be seen everywhere, and is always an evidence of
+weakness and vulgarity. Make no exhibition of your means; and if
+misfortune befal any of your friends, be still more careful not to
+display before them your superior fortune. Many a heart has been
+rankled by conduct of this sort, which prevails largely amongst the
+members of families.
+
+
+QUARRELS are lowering to all the parties engaged in them, and usually
+terminate in the discomfiture of those who think they have the
+strongest side. If you feel you are in the right you are not justified
+in making the right ridiculous.
+
+
+RIDICULE.--To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or
+absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your
+skill may excite laughter, but will not insure respect.
+
+
+RELIGION.--A reverential regard for religious observances, and
+religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind.
+Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to intrude them on
+others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious
+topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all are prepared
+to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies
+the subject should never be introduced.
+
+
+SULKINESS is not often indulged in by grown people, but we have seen
+lamentable instances of men, otherwise possessed of considerable sense,
+who would sulk for several weeks together, and during that time refrain
+from speaking a word to the most familiar acquaintance, and this, too,
+for some imaginary offence, or, if not imaginary, so trifling as to be
+unworthy of notice. Such conduct is childish in the extreme; it marks
+the first step in the dissolution of the mind, and, if much indulged,
+must lead at last to hypochondriasis, or perhaps to a drivelling and
+dolorous insanity. The picture of a sulky man is beyond the region of
+the pitiful, it is laughable; and we do laugh, in the same way as we
+should at the antics of a melancholy monkey. One who loves silence so
+much, and adopts it on such imaginary grounds, deserves to be sent
+for ever to Coventry, for in such a one’s society none are safe; the
+slightest word may renew the fit, and you are then at his bidding as a
+dog would be, to be spoken to and favoured when he pleases, conscious
+when you do speak that every word you utter is fraught with danger to
+his peace of mind. A morose man never has many friends, and runs the
+risk of dying in old age without even one.
+
+
+SALUTATIONS should be suited to the parties saluted. It is a point
+much disputed upon whom the obligation of the first salute lies, when
+persons of different age or condition meet. The best rule is for the
+younger to salute the senior, as was the custom with the Romans. In
+meeting a lady there is no difficulty; the lady salutes first, or no
+recognition takes place. I have often been amazed by being stopped
+in the street, and held by the hand by a person of whom I had no
+recollection whatever, until he told me he had met me at such a
+place some months ago. In such a case a bow is all that is allowed,
+and this is always to be returned, whether you remember the person
+or not; but to halt, and insist on shaking hands, and entering upon
+some complimentary small-talk, is quite an error, unless the parties
+are on terms of actual acquaintance. And here I am reminded of the
+prevalence, at the present day, of protracted street salutations. You
+are suddenly met by an acquaintance who bears down upon you as the
+Chesapeake bore down upon the Shannon. You are seized as in a vice,
+and your hand held for several minutes. Then follow sundry questions
+about your health, when you saw Smith last, how Robinson’s wife is,
+what news is there from the Crimea, and, lastly, treated to some
+hackneyed remarks about the Parliament, or the weather. All this takes
+up valuable time, obstructs the causeway, and ends in annoyance. Why
+not shake hands heartily but briefly, exchange the compliments of
+“Good day,” with mutual inquiries after wives and families, and then
+part, each to attend to his own affairs, and each regarding his own
+business as too important to be put to the risk of damage by a quarter
+of an hour spent in twaddling on a kerb-stone, while the passers by
+jolt and thrust against you, and the vehicles cover you with splashes.
+The flabby shake of the hand in which some elderly persons indulge,
+holding your digits in a slow oscillation till the palms are moist, is
+very horrible, and by no means suggestive of hearty friendship, but
+it must be borne patiently, sometimes out of respect to age. When a
+person of my own age, however, treats me to one of these damp embraces,
+I do not hesitate to withdraw my hand if I can; and if he holds it too
+tight, and will not yield, I pinch him more tightly than he likes, and
+continue my grip till he breaks down.
+
+Salutations should always be hearty, but softened by politeness; and in
+shaking hand with a lady, do not grasp the whole palm, as you do with
+your bosom friend, but let the fingers only meet, and be immediately
+withdrawn.
+
+
+SLIGHTS are easily offered, and not so easily made amends for. Be
+careful how you treat sensitive persons, that they may not think
+themselves slighted, for no wound goes so deep as wounded pride.
+
+
+SMALL-TALK.--Some persons think the small-talk of society very
+worthless and degrading, but so far from this being the case, it is
+most useful. You cannot expect persons to utter profound wisdom every
+time they speak, and small-talk serves to render persons in some degree
+acquainted and sociable before more important topics arise. Besides,
+good subjects arise out of small-talk; and conversation that begins in
+trifles frequently ends in matters of high profit.
+
+
+SECRECY is essential to the polite man or woman, who do not repeat all
+they see and hear or know of people; but affectation of secrecy is a
+vulgarity, and never begets confidence.
+
+
+SPITE AND REVENGE are poor instruments, as unchristian as they are
+morally degrading. No refined mind indulges in revengeful feelings. We
+should be above resenting an injury, but avoid the society of those who
+needlessly give offence. “Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place
+unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith
+the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give
+him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
+Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
+
+
+SPITTING is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter,
+in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively
+amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well
+cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably a great pleasure to those
+accustomed to it, that it must not be condemned; yet the spitting
+associated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined
+person will spit where ladies are present, or in any public promenade;
+the habit is disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that
+it could be checked in public by means of law.
+
+
+SURLINESS is far from the amiability and gentleness which true
+refinement teaches us. There is a vast deal of surliness to be
+encountered from puffed-up tradespeople and small professionals, but it
+is never the mark of mental polish.
+
+
+VANITY.--Most of us are too vain; and I fear the gentle sex must be
+charged with somewhat of an excess in this particular. We are not to
+sneer at the vanity of others, and endeavour to mortify them therein,
+but first look to ourselves, that we are not equally vain in our own
+particular manner. A vain display is always an abject thing, and may be
+dispensed with profitably.
+
+
+VULGARITIES.--We often have inward promptings of the vulgarity of our
+actions; there is a sort of instinctive propriety in all of us, and
+whenever we heed these monitions from within, we are pretty sure to be
+in the right. If you have a doubt at any time of the propriety of an
+action, let instinct guide you, and you are safe. I have observed that
+it is very common for persons to talk very loud when in conversation
+with foreigners, as if increase of noise would compensate for
+difficulties of mutual understanding. In omnibus and railway travelling
+there is a good deal of bawling, treading on toes, thrusting of elbows
+into sides, crushing, crowding, and running to and fro. In the midst of
+all this confusion the gentleman, punctual to time, walks with ease to
+his place, takes his seat without hurry or noise, and, in securing his
+own comfort, regards the comfort of others by a spirit of conciliating
+accommodation. The other day, while riding in an omnibus, I was much
+annoyed, as were others of the passengers, by two females (I regret I
+cannot say _ladies_), who sat with heads protruding from the windows,
+shouting and passing pleasantries to some acquaintance on the pathway.
+Rudeness of any kind on such occasions causes annoyance to all who
+witness it.
+
+Avoid all boastings and exaggerations, backbiting, abuse, and evil
+speaking; slang phrases and oaths in conversation; depreciate no
+man’s qualities, and accept hospitalities of the humblest kind in a
+hearty and appreciative manner; avoid giving offence, and if you do
+offend, have the manliness to apologise; infuse as much elegance as
+possible into your thoughts as well as your actions; and as you avoid
+vulgarities you will increase the enjoyment of life, and grow in the
+respect of others.
+
+
+WHISPERING is often indulged in by the young; and my parting advice to
+all is, never to whisper, either in the presence or absence of others.
+What you cannot say plainly do not say at all; and by never indulging
+in the practice you will never give way to it unconsciously in the
+presence of those who may think you are whispering of them.
+
+
+CONCLUDING HINTS.--Adapt your greetings to the ages and conditions of
+persons, but do not lapse into stiffness on one hand, and excess of
+freedom on the other. Age demands respect in all conditions of life,
+and superiors in station should have the deference to which they are
+entitled.
+
+When offered a seat, or invited to sit to a meal, you are, in all
+ordinary cases, bound to accept the invitation without hesitation. If
+you find your friend dining, you cannot expect him to talk to you,
+unless you join him at his request. If you refuse, he must finish
+hastily in order to entertain you.
+
+In passing narrow ways, such as doorways and the like, step aside in
+time for your superior to pass before you; and if he request you to
+precede him, you must do so at once. If you are the superior, it is a
+graceful action to motion your companion to take the precedence. No one
+likes to be the lag-behind by compulsion.
+
+In the street, if a person bows to you, you are bound to return the
+salutation, even if you do not remember him. You may remember when he
+has passed, and bitterly regret the neglect of courtesy. Ladies should
+be on the alert while walking, to give polite obeisance to any friend
+who may pass, for in this case the gentleman cannot offer the salute;
+the onus rests with the lady whether recognition shall take place or
+not.
+
+At a party, if you wish to tell any visitor that his cab or other
+vehicle is waiting for him, you must use the word _carriage_.
+All vehicles are carriages that bring visitors, and no lady or
+gentleman wishes it to be advertised to the room that their _cab_, or
+wheelbarrow, is waiting for them.
+
+
+
+
+                           Transcriber’s Note
+
+
+Some inconsistencies in spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation have
+been retained.
+
+This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. Small capitals
+changed to all capitals.
+
+p. 26: changed “your’s” to “yours” (seal yours to him with black also)
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***