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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/77781-0.txt b/77781-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14a2099 --- /dev/null +++ b/77781-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1148 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 *** + + + + + BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR + + CORRECTED; + + A Concise Code of Deportment for Both Sexes. + + BY + AN OBSERVER OF MEN AND THINGS. + + “It is a man’s manners that make his fortune.”--CORNELIUS NEPOS. + + LONDON: + GROOMBRIDGE & SONS, 5, PATERNOSTER ROW. + + 1855. + + + + + INTRODUCTION. + + +Books on Etiquette generally confine their attention to the usages +of exclusively fashionable life, and are useful only in forming the +habits of youth, or those who, suddenly elevated to a status higher +than their natural reach, wish to adapt themselves to a kind of +society to which they are more frequently allured by vanity than +sense; for there is nothing more really hollow than the life termed +_par-excellence_ FASHIONABLE. The middle ranks of life are acknowledged +to be most tinctured with virtue, manliness, and religious feeling; +for the vanities of wealth, and the debasements of poverty, are alike +destructive of that uprightness of heart which civilization professes +to insure. Not but that there are many estimable personages to be found +in the highest walks of fashion and distinction; and many, aye, more +than would be believed, who adorn the rugged paths of penury with the +noblest examples of gentleness of manners and moral rectitude. Still, +between these two extremes, what an enormous mass of individuals +we find, who, immured in trade, hurried along in the anxieties of +commercial life, find but few opportunities for the acquisition of the +higher kinds of knowledge, and the refining usages which rob life of +its harshness, and soften the heart in its communion with the world. +Here we find the deficiencies of good-breeding mostly manifested; and +here, too, the most laudable desire prevails for the attainment of +those polishing touches which make us more congenial in our social +intercourse, and which, by giving our better feelings their proper +shape, by moulding our sentiments into elegance of expression, help us +to resist all temptations to petty dealing, and even to check vice by +making it unfashionable. Virtue and religion are not only compatible +with elegance of manners, but are strengthened in their exercise by +them; and every man who is not a misanthropist, every woman who is +not a nun, must feel the necessity of attention to forms and usages, +and to those elegancies of manner which characterize good-nature and +uprightness of heart as much as they do a fashionable education. +Politeness is as essential to the man of business as to the haunter +of gaming-tables and west-end saloons; it is even more so to remove +that reproach against trading influences in which the wealthy so often +indulge. Good feeling is not improved by roughness of manner, nor is +hospitality heightened by a negligent display. Friendship is more +acceptable when its salutations and kindly offices are well-timed; +and religion herself delights to be clothed in vestments of elegance +and purity. Every man must account it a boon to enjoy admission to +the best society, to mingle with those who, by learning, by polite +accomplishments, and by the exercise of philanthropic and moral +feelings, have lifted their lives out of the dull round of days and +hours into a region of social sunshine; and none would willingly mar +the perfection of such circles by carrying boorish manners into their +midst, or destroy his enjoyment by the exhibition of an inaptitude +to elegant society; nay, elegance should go with us to our homes; +we should exercise politeness at the fireside to our wives, our +husbands, our children, and our kindred generally, and not keep our +good-manners exclusively as articles of exhibition to strangers. Many +heart-burnings, many foolish indulgences in temper, many unkind words +and deeds would thus be avoided; and while elegance of manner served +frequently to check us in the pursuit of wrong, it would often prompt +us to the culture of goodness, so long as we maintained that necessary +distinction between the refinement of the heart and the mere outside +show of feigned courtesy. Such hints as are offered here are intended +to help in this direction, and are addressed to such as have not had +the advantage of polite education and example in youth, and who may +have formed their habits under adverse circumstances, and are not too +vain of them to seek for improvement. + + + + + BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR CORRECTED. + + +ABSENCE OF MIND.--Chesterfield, in his “Advice to his Son,” justly +characterises an absent man as unfit for business or conversation. +Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs in most cases from a +desire to be thought abstracted in profound contemplations. The world, +however, gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence +when he should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in +this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget that he is +studious when he enters company. I have seen many a man, who would +have made a bright character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, +remove himself as far from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, +where social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of +the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, +what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is +sufficient, and we do hint, that abstractedness of manner should never +be exhibited; the greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles +when it so behoved them. + + +ACCOMPLISHMENTS are by some considered too trifling for their +attention, but no person desirous of the enjoyments of social life can +spurn them without paying the penalty. Men of business are frequently +denied the leisure necessary to render themselves moderately proficient +in continental languages, music, dancing, and the arts of pleasing. +Yet such things are essential, and add very much to our enjoyments; +they tend to refine the nature, and form links of connection between +persons of all ages, sexes, and dispositions. It is our duty to +encourage everything of a refining nature, so long as we lose in the +pursuit none of the solid excellencies of character; and, by a proper +attention to such things, we insure for ourselves reception in quarters +where we should be obnoxious without them. These acquisitions are +equally important to both sexes, though those of the masculine gender +are most guilty of the blunder of setting them at nought. + + +AFFECTATION is more prevalent than people care to own. Ladies are +terribly given to this folly. One affects not to know the colour of +money, unless it be pin-money, and then her wits are unusually sharp. +Another is so fashionable in her tastes, that she thinks it elegant +to take no interest in her husband’s affairs; so that whether he +prosper or fail in life seems all the same to her. I know a lady who +has lately adopted the affectation of ignorance--a strange kind of +affectation certainly. If she should hear a remark from a scientific +man, in explanation of some curious natural phenomenon, she will toss +her head aside and, with a benign but unmeaning smile, say, “Indeed! +I don’t understand such things.” We do not seek for blue-stockings, +but really we cannot do without common sense; and the pride of +ignorance, whether it be fashionable or not, must be looked upon as a +blunder of tremendous import. The affectation of superior wisdom is +equally objectionable. If a person tells you something you already +know, you are not to inform him in the middle of his story that you +know it already. It is a mark of a most vulgar mind to parade your +knowledge on any occasion, or seek repute in society as a person of +great attainments. Some ardent young students are apt to interlard +their conversation with scientific terms and explanations, and with +quotations innumerable from out-of-the-way books. Such things are +well enough in moderation; but if not tempered as to time and place, +stamp the individual as conceited. I knew a man who, in every respect +but one, was a model of deportment and sound sense; but in the one +blunder of which he was guilty he managed, on every possible occasion, +to mar the esteem in which he was everywhere held. He was a profound +chemist, and on all subjects ready and well informed, but he introduced +chemistry into his conversation so frequently, and soared to such +etherial heights in his theoretic speculations, that his presence was +at last dreaded. The ladies looked at him in awe, the frivolous young +men jeered and tittered, and he was known at last by the sobriquet +of the “Oxygen Nuisance.” But though few persons carry their conceit +so far as this, too many of us are weak enough to think that what we +especially delight in must prove equally acceptable to all we meet; and +affectation, in this respect, must be guarded against by all who desire +to conduct themselves in society so as to be respected and esteemed. + +Affectation of superiority is worse still, because it galls the +feelings of those to whom it is offered. In company with an inferior, +never let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his +confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every way the +same as his most distinguished guest. No reference to business should +be made, and anything in the shape of command avoided. It is very easy +by a look, a word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise +to the other guests, “This is my clerk,” or, “The person I now treat +as a guest was yesterday labouring in my service;” but such a thing +would lower the host more than it would annoy the guest. Before Burns +had arrived at his high popularity, he was once invited by some puffed +up lairds to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of +hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was shown into the +servants’ hall, and left to dine with the menials. After dinner he +was invited to the drawing-room, and, a glass of wine being handed to +him, requested to sing one of his own songs. He immediately gave his +entertainers that thrilling assertion of independence, “A man’s a man +for a’ that,” and left the moment he had finished, his heart embittered +at patronage offered in a manner so insulting to his poverty. + +If you take pains to mortify a man, to make him feel that he occupies +an inferior station, that he stands below you in abilities, rank, +or fortune, you offer him an insult, which, though he may be too +much of a gentleman to resent, nevertheless he is sure to feel, and +for which none of your kindnesses are a compensation. An inferior +is even entitled to superior attention, that he may not have even +the fear of being slighted; and, above all things, that he have +sufficient confidence in himself, to mingle freely in conversation. +True politeness consists in making everybody happy about you, and to do +otherwise a proof of an uncultivated nature. + + +AFFRONTS are to be borne more patiently than we are wont to bear them. +To resent an affront is usually wrong, and for these reasons:--We +are not always sure that an affront was intended, in which case +resentment must be built upon error. We are not to carry in our breasts +remembrance of every wrong, for we know not how many we ourselves +unconsciously commit on others. If we cannot bear with trifling +annoyances we must shun human society altogether, for it is a mixture +of such with gratifications. Nature gives us corn with the chaff on, +and in men she presents us with some paltry characters which we must +tolerate. Besides, to take notice of every trifling annoyance shows too +great a study of trifles, quite apart from the dignified bearing of +gentlemanly conduct. Do not notice every offence, and you will not have +many to trouble you. + + +BALL ROOM.--Everybody knows it is a blunder to enter a ball room with +the head covered; but everybody does not know that it is equally so to +enter immediately after smoking, when every lady you speak to must put +up with the Stygian fumes of your tainted breath. As to the elegancies +of salutation, address, and so forth, every person who enters a ball +room must be sufficiently prepared beforehand, by having mingled in +genteel society; such things cannot be taught in words. Those who can +dance know all the forms of ball room courtesy; but these are apt to +commit blunders unless they study to please. Those unused to the ball +room should enter it with confidence, seek a partner, and after one +or two dances leave. After leading your partner to a seat leave her, +but not abruptly; if you burden her with your society she may fail in +getting another partner. Young men, who have not had much experience +in polite circles, are sometimes so enamoured of a lady, after one or +two dances, as to continue their companionship throughout the evening. +This is a great error; you seek a partner for the dance only, and not +for companionship and conversation. Do not lounge about the seats as a +looker on, or you will be counted a bore. Should a lady express a wish +not to dance, it is unpolite to press her; and it is equally unpolite +to look after a certain lady as a partner, to haunt her, as it were, +when perhaps she may not have the same desire to dance with you that +you have for her. When a lady has engaged to dance with you, you are +not to afflict her with your society as a matter of course; indeed, to +sit with your partner for any length of time is a mark of ill-breeding. +It is the thorough mingling of persons one with another that +constitutes the charm of the ball room, and cliques and conversations +are to be avoided. Relatives and lovers should associate as little as +possible in the dance; and a man should but seldom, except in very +homely parties, dance with his wife. Greetings in the ball room should +be quietly performed, so as not to attract attention. + +Ladies are generally _au fait_ in ball room etiquette; but having once +or twice seen a lady rambling in the room by herself, I will here hint, +for the benefit of my fair readers, that a lady should not leave her +seat to cross the room, or speak to a friend, unless accompanied by a +gentleman. A little observation, and a modest confidence, will enable +any person to acquire ease and elegance in parties where dancing is +going on. + + +BUTTON-HOLDING.--Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the +button, “for if people are not willing to hear you, you had much better +hold your tongue than them.” Button-holding is not a common vice, but +pointing, nudging, hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving +him a kick of recognition under the table, are too common not to be +noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and +gestures are equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who +desire to soar above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by +hearing a friend discourse on some person’s failings or excellencies, +the person referred to being known only to the speaker. It is a bad +rule to talk of persons at all, but more especially if the person +spoken of is not known to all the listeners. + + +CALLS.--When you call on a friend and do not find him at home, leave +your card, your name will not be sufficient. After having made a +call, it is the duty of your acquaintance to return it; and unless it +be returned (peculiar circumstances being allowed for) you must not +call again, but infer that he wishes to drop your acquaintance. This, +indeed, is a safe mode of breaking off an acquaintance, and this is +the mode adopted in polite society. No one complains, but the thing is +silently dropped. In making morning calls, you are not to stay above +ten or fifteen minutes, and during the whole time you are to keep +your hat in your hand, and not part with it for a moment. This custom +seems ridiculous at first sight, but, like most ceremonies, has a good +meaning in it. By holding your hat you indicate that you are about to +leave, and do not expect an invitation to dinner; while, if your host +wishes you to stay, he will beg you to be relieved of the incumbrance. +It is a ruinous practice to make a call anywhere at the hour of dinner. +You may, perhaps, be invited to sit down, but if the thing be repeated, +your acquaintance will be unwelcome. This would scarcely seem worth +mentioning, but the practice prevails a good deal, and is a blunder to +be guarded against. + + +CHILDREN.--Almost every parent commits the blunder of making too much +of his children in the presence of visitors. It is very pardonable +in fond mothers, but papas are the most subject to make themselves +ridiculous on this score. Remember the old motto about regarding your +geese as swans, and do not thrust your children on your visitors as +prodigies of beauty, eccentricity, and excellence. The other extreme +is just as bad; and to thrust your children from the room, or to treat +them harshly in the presence of others, makes you look as if you were +ashamed of them. Still, as a rule, children should not be obtruded on +the attention of visitors, or made to exhibit their parts to those who +feel compelled to praise even in spite of disapprobation. My friend +R---- often burdens me with anecdotes of his boy’s roguery, and this in +presence of the boy himself. Whereupon the child, fired with parental +approval, begins to pinch and pummel me, much to my annoyance; though +I can bear this better than I can to hear my friend talk of his son’s +musical predilections, which always lead the youngster to a sham +pianoforte performance with his fingers on the table, or to the humming +of some tune in a tone loud enough to stop all conversation. + + +CLEANLINESS of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred +person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at +home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling +oneself with the remark, “Nobody will call to-day.” Should somebody +call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury +to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we +are unseen. + + +COMMANDS should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman +requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, +whatever our station, as to give orders in the “imperative mood,” nor +are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on +any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed +by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should +not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming. + + +CONTROL OF TEMPER.--It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or +angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every +circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance to be easily +ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us +into ill-judged expressions of feeling. “He that is soon angry dealeth +foolishly.” + + +CONVERSATION ranks the highest among social enjoyments. To converse +well requires extensive knowledge, elegance of manner, command of +temper, and a desire to please. He who cannot converse to the profit +of the company, must listen for the profit of himself; though no one +need preserve a stolid silence from excessive bashfulness or conscious +inability. The smallest remark may be well-timed and elegantly uttered; +the lightest observation properly pointed and emphasised, and the most +trivial question put with modesty, grace, and elegance of expression. +Yet, in middle-class society, how little really good conversation do +we hear? How frequently personalities creep in; how one gives way to +undue warmth when his religious and political principles are assailed; +how another jests and puns upon the most serious subjects; or a third +plays the pedant by the use of a string of technicalities, which he +himself scarcely understands, to adorn his shallow learning and his +imperfect judgment. Of that shallow talk in which the fast-going men +of the day indulge--a drawling mixture of the quasi-fashionable and +the idiotic--we do not speak at all, for it is not conversation but +slow prattle, too tinctured with the germs of vice to be childish, +but too silly for the utterance of men. We speak of what bears the +name of conversation amongst the reading and thinking portion of +middle-class society, which is to be heard at social gatherings, at +quiet dinner parties, and by the family tea-table. The conversation in +these quarters is not equal to the personages; they are apt to descend +below themselves for the sake of displaying incipient wit, imperfect +knowledge, execrable powers of criticism, or for the achievement of +some petty conquest in argument. Pity that many good societies should +be marred by unbridled and untamed tongues. Pity that conversation is +not everywhere made a matter of study, that men will not exercise as +much care in speaking their thoughts as they do in writing them. + +Among the most glaring social blunders to be noticed under this head +are, talking too much of ourselves. This is a blunder very commonly +committed, and is as much a mark of vanity as want of sense. Really +_great men_ have never said much of themselves, therefore we may +infer, by the converse argument, that he who indulges in talking of +himself must be a really _small man_. In the whole of Shakspere’s plays +and poems you do not gather enough of the poet’s history to settle +definitely the question whether he was lame or not, or even to fix, +with any certainty, his opinions on political and religious subjects. +He who talks much of himself is also apt to tell of the injuries he has +sustained. This is a very common blunder, but a most unpardonable one. +It is undignified to carry our woes about with us, and retail them out +to others, saying how such-a-one has cheated us of money, how another +has offered us an insult, and so on. If you cannot say something +cheerful to your friend, keep at a distance, and let him enjoy at peace +his own cogitations. What are your affairs to other people? keep your +own counsel, and be not too ready to make confidants. + +If you are not to talk of yourself freely, so are you not to talk +freely of others. I regret to have to confess here, that scandal, in +some shape or other, is the bane of our English society, and needs as +severe lashing now-a-days as it did when Sheridan wrote his wonderful +comedy. Though when these pages meet the reader’s eye he will perhaps +be unwilling to own it, but I will still insist, that both sexes are +universally addicted to this vice in some form or other; and that it +is sheer vanity, or perhaps even shame, which prompts men to make the +charge of scandal against females, while they repudiate any share in +the guilt themselves. The shapes scandal takes are so numerous, that it +is impossible here to attempt to define them. Let the reader reflect +on this, and ask himself whether he has ever indulged in scandal, even +in a mild form. Let my lady friends, too, ponder awhile, and next time +they find the tongue running away in condemnation of an absent friend, +sister, or brother, or in severe criticism on such and such a person’s +conduct, take the assurance that such conduct is unkind, unfair, mean, +paltry, _ungenteel_. The quiet, half-expressed sneer is still more +detestable, for it is more injurious, more insidious in its operation, +more secret in its manner, and hence more discreditable to the utterer. +A person who indulges in depreciatory remarks, insinuations, sneers, +and the like, no matter though he _thinks_ he has good grounds for +them, is like the viper, which steals noiselessly on its unsuspecting +victim, gives its sting in silence, and disappears. To slander, +in plain terms, is better than to hint and insinuate, but both are +evidences of a mean and contemptible mind. + +Contradictions are usually given too abruptly, and sometimes lead to +wrangling, or if not noticed by the parties receiving them, are still +apt to rankle and annoy secretly, and destroy the harmony which ought +to prevail in an assembly of friends. It is equally absurd to make +bets or to strengthen a statement or argument by an offer of a bet in +support of it. Such things are worthy only of the lowest rabble, and +no man making pretensions to the status of a gentleman should descend +to it. Oaths of all kinds are as ungentlemanly as they are wicked; and +the frequent use of the condemnatory oath as verb, adjective, and noun, +both immoral and degrading. + +There are some men, of respectable position and pretensions, who are +so barren of general intelligence that they can talk of nothing except +their own business affairs. Such men are very worthless in social +society, and we conjure the reader at all times to steer clear of +conduct which so readily indicates vulgarity and emptiness. A tradesman +will perhaps sit down at your table, and endeavour to entertain you +with an account of sales and purchases; anon comes a thin-minded +solicitor’s clerk, who brings with him a string of appeals and motions; +then an incipient author, who tells you of the immense mass of verses +he has written for the behoof of cheesemongers and trunkmakers; and, +to wind up, a portly widow repeats for the hundredth time the story +of her troubles, her husband’s failure and death, and her present +endeavours to establish a little business in the millinery way. Those +who sit in such a company, and withhold, for decency’s sake, the story +of their own affairs, find that the evening has been utterly wasted, +for not one spark of general intelligence, not one item of general +information, not one coruscation of original humour has illuminated the +dull round of these many wasted hours. I would sooner console myself +with a newspaper, and read the list of bankruptcies and suicides, than +listen to a man who indulged in descriptions of his own skill in trade, +his losses and profits, or the thousand and one trifles which we all +have to consider and remember, but which are of no interest to any but +ourselves. + +The affectation of wisdom is a very common vice amongst +pseudo-students. For instance, Mr. Smallweed, who is really a +well-informed man, is so conceited in this respect that he cannot, +when the subject of the conversation affords him opportunity, avoid +interlarding his remarks with technicalities and remote allusions. He +would not speak of finches or whales but under the Cuvierian terms +of _Fringillidæ_ or _Cetacæ_, or refer to the Canadian columbine, or +the field pimpernel, but under their botanical names of _Aquilegia +Canadensis_ or _Anagallis arvensis_. Such terms are neither elegant +nor appropriate in mixed society; and so far from causing the ladies +to look up in astonishment at the profound learning of the speaker--an +effect usually intended and wished for--they are more likely to indulge +in a sly titter, and vote his hard words a bother. This is the “little +learning” which Bacon terms “a dangerous thing” and must be avoided by +those who would cultivate good-breeding, which is always more allied +to simplicity of expression, and transparency of conduct, than to +complicated technicalities, or dark mysterious doings. Another fault +of Mr. Smallweed is, that he never pays proper attention to another +speaker; the music of his own voice is too great a charm for him, and +he thinks it must have a very siren-like tone to others; so he rambles +on till some wag asks him if he has a dictionary with him, when he +drops into sulkiness, looks black, and is quieted for a time. While +upon Mr. Smallweed’s failings, let me refer to his habitual mode of +referring to other persons, for this fault of his is very common to +the civilized specimen of (to use his phrase) the anthropological +animal. For instance, instead of saying, “My friend, Mr. Simpson, told +me so-and-so,” he invariably says, “Simpson told me so-and-so,” or, +“Longman’s are the publishers of So-and-so’s book.” A gentleman never +drops the “Mr.,” or the “Messieurs,” the “Dr.,” the “Professor,” or any +other title or mode of address to which persons are entitled. It is +ungentlemanly to speak of “Bulwer’s last novel,” or “the new edition of +Gill’s Commentary.” We should say, “Sir Edward Lytton Bulwer,” and “Dr. +Gill,” and not abbreviate, as if a respectful mention of a person cost +us more breath than he is worth. + +A few short rules for conversation may here be useful; and I offer +them in the fewest words possible, because I think that for those who +wish to cultivate a polite bearing, and conserve the good feeling which +usually accompanies gentlemanly conduct, a hint is alone sufficient. + +1. Do not talk too long together, for fear of tiring your hearers, +and so as to afford others an opportunity of talking also. 2. Watch +your listeners to be sure that they are interested, and if they appear +not to be, allow the conversation to take its own shape in some other +channel. 3. If you observe a person about to make a remark, give him +the opportunity by pausing and assuming an attentive and _expectant_ +countenance. 4. If you tell stories let them be short, pointed, +appropriate, and without digression. 5. Avoid repetitions and hackneyed +phrases. 6. Use as few gestures as possible; on a Frenchman gestures +and grimaces set very well, because they are natural to the people, +but the English gentleman seldom indulges in pantomime, and never in +mimicry. 7. Exercise your skill as a listener occasionally, and listen +attentively and with appreciation. If you are a listener by nature, and +hence not a talker, do not suffer yourself to become habitually dumb, +or your society will be seldom acceptable. 8. Never anticipate a slow +speaker, and avoid correcting another in his pronunciation. Friends, +on very familiar terms, may correct each other occasionally, but not +in the presence of a third party, and always in a quiet and respectful +manner. 9. Do not give advice unasked. 10. Give a speaker respectful +attention and look him in the face while speaking. 11. Be not too free +in speaking your mind; remember that your mind may not be always right, +and frankness of speech is not to be commended when its conclusions +are built up by unsound reasoning on incorrect data; besides, by plain +speaking you may frequently wound a sensitive person, and one, too, +having quite as noble views of things as yourself. People who pride +themselves on speaking their minds are generally very vain of their +opinions, and forgetful of the old motto as to the good intentions with +which a certain place is said to be paved. 12. Never burden ladies +with arguments. They are very wise in dreading them as they do. 13. +Treat females as becomes them, and indulge none of those vanities, so +prevalent at the present day, of regarding women as inferior beings. +14. Swearing, coarse jokes, indecent anecdotes, slang phrases, and +personal allusions are very common, but not the less unprofitable, +unreasonable, ungentlemanly, low, and reprehensible. Avoid them; they +are the puddles of the mind, in which the more we dabble the more we +are soiled, degraded, and lessened in the esteem both of others and +ourselves. + + +DINING OUT.--When entering where you are invited to dine make your +obeisance to the lady of the house, and do not consider yourself a +guest until you have seen her. In leading a lady down stairs do not +rush forward and perform the task clumsily. In going down the lady +should have the widest side, supposing the stair to have a wide and +narrow side, as is the case with winding staircases. But it is better +to take the wrong side at once than stand perplexed, or to change sides +after once having given a lady your arm. The rule is for the lady you +take down to sit on your right hand; but when you take down the hostess +you should sit on her right hand--namely, in the seat of honour. Of +course every guest cannot enjoy this privilege, hence, where there +are many invited, the host either assigns her to some favoured guest, +or the most elderly gentleman, or party of highest rank, assumes the +office. It is always better for the host to request some person, whom +he considers his chief guest, to take down the lady of the house. The +other ladies are paired off in the same manner by the host, whose duty +it is to arrange the company so that they may sit in comfort at the +meal. The host himself selects the chief lady visitor, and leads her +off first. The hostess sees all down before leaving, therefore, if you +are to escort her, allow her time to usher her guests away. A stickler +for etiquette, in writing on this subject, says-- + +“A custom, lately come in, seems to be deservedly gaining ground: +instead of sitting at the top and bottom of the table, the host and +hostess sit opposite each other at the middle; by which means they +are more at ease, more in the centre of their guests, and better able +to communicate with each other. George IV. adopted this practice +twenty years ago: it is followed by the present queen. According to +this arrangement, two persons can be accommodated at each end of the +table--not a bad point where there is limited accommodation. + +“A dinner party usually lasts four hours. If you go at six, you may +order your carriage at ten; if at seven, it may come at eleven; and +so on. What dinner hours are by-and-bye to come to I cannot tell. Not +many years ago, dinner at five o’clock was thought mighty genteel; +then we had half-past five; next came six, and six and a-half--both +of which are now general; but seven is also far from uncommon. That +the fashionable dinner hour will be pushed on to eight, to nine, or to +ten, is what we may reasonably expect. When it comes to this pass, will +dinner bound back to its ancient hours, or will it be extinguished as a +formal meal?” + +Fashion runs mad occasionally, and it has lately done so in thrusting +the task of carving on ladies. This must be regarded as a blunder we +should hope soon to be corrected. The task of carving is no light +one--it is really a masculine operation, and utterly inappropriate +for the style of ladies’ dresses, manners, and manual weakness. What +fashion insists on, in this respect, common sense must condemn. + +You must make yourself as useful as possible at the dinner-table, and +be attentive in supplying the wants of others, especially ladies, +but avoid obtruding your services. Reaching across the table is very +vulgar, as it is also to indulge any peculiarities of appetite, such +as eating condiments with dishes with which they are not usually +accompanied. I knew an elderly gentleman who always insisted on having +mustard with his pastry, so that when his favourite condiment had +been removed it had to be brought back for him, causing considerable +disturbance. Good sense will dictate to a person rather to refrain from +eating a particular dish than disarrange the table in order to gratify +an eccentric whim. + +To eat quick, or very slow, are marks of ill-breeding; and to put +your nose in your plate, or emit that peculiar bubbling sound, which +some indulge in when imbibing soup, vulgar and obnoxious. Coughing +and sneezing are not always to be avoided, but much may be done to +conserve elegance and propriety at dinner in checking these and other +infirmities. + +It is very painful to see a joint carved ungracefully, but nothing but +practice will enable you to carve well. Novices in life have a great +dread of carving poultry, but it is a less difficult operation than is +usually imagined; and I would advise my readers to practice at home, +and acquire ease in such duties before incurring the responsibility at +a friend’s table. It is better to request some one near you to carve +a fowl than to run the risk of spoiling the bird, and at the same +time bespattering some lady’s dress with the gravy. But guard against +bashfulness in such matters; do with confidence whatever you feel you +can do well, or you will endanger the comfort of yourself and others. + + +DINING AT HOME.--When you invite several friends to dine with you have +your dinner ready within a short time after the hour named, but not +punctually to a moment, that any who have not arrived may not feel +slighted at your having commenced dinner. Do not invite, at the same +time, persons who are not on terms with each other, though it is a +delicate matter, always, to take into consideration other people’s +differences. Among kindred it is often advisable to pursue an opposite +course--for many a friendship, among relatives, is renewed at another +table, where petty differences are, of course, to be forgotten. Study +the tastes of your guests; and if there is any particular dish which +your visitors will prefer, set it before them, and with the remark, +“I think I noticed you to prefer this or that;” or, “I think you are +partial to so-and-so, I therefore obtained it for you.” If you go out +of your way to humour your friend you are not to be too modest to let +him know it, though you are not to exaggerate your attention, and make +him feel that you burden him with attentions. + + +DRINKING HEALTHS has happily gone out of fashion. Except in bachelor’s +parties, where a few old-school notions are preserved, it is considered +very unpolite to give toasts and healths. + + +DISPUTES lead to discord; and a man fond of disputation soon gets +the repute of a quibbler. Objections may be politely taken without +involving the objector in a controversy. The polite man avoids +anything which may lead to a protracted debate. + + +DRESS.--The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine her +guests. I have seen many instances where ladies, fond of dress (and +what lady is not fond of dress), and conscious that it is unbecoming to +dress to excess when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain +the desire of display, have made the whole of her guests look shabby, +by the contrast of her own gay colours. To dress meanly is a mark of +disrespect to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay +appearance. If you make a grand display yourself you are apt to appear +as if you wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer to +be under than over the mark. In going out consider the sort of company +you are likely to meet, and endeavour to assimilate to them as much as +possible--for to make a great display elsewhere is an evidence of bad +taste. But here, if you miss the happy medium, dress above the mark +rather than below it, for you may dress more out of doors than you +may at home. Where dancing is expected to take place no one should go +without new kid gloves; nothing is so revolting as to see one person +in an assembly ungloved, especially where the heat of the room, and +the exercise together, are sure to make the hands redder than usual. +Gentlemen seldom indulge in gaudy or light colours; but quasi-gentlemen +do blaze a little in this way, and carry their character with them +accordingly. The abolition of the white neckcloth is, in my opinion, to +be regretted; still, fashion has declared it shall be used no longer, +and at the most _recherche_ assemblies the gentlemen all wear black +stocks or neckerchiefs. + + +ECCENTRICITIES should never be indulged away from home. They are rather +the tokens of vanity, than the evidences of peculiar idiosyncracies. +An eccentric man is always dreaded; and though the world has been +indulgent, in this respect, to a few great geniuses, it is usually very +harsh on the matter to ordinary mortals. Besides, no man was ever great +by virtue of his peculiarities, but in spite of them. + + +EXCESSES.--It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to +excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride +themselves on their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially +in the latter. These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose +them. The man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or +later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, and not even +by them be respected. Guard against excess in all things, as neither +gentlemanly nor human. + + +ENGAGEMENTS.--Some time ago it was fashionable for parties to +arrive some time after the appointed hour. Fashion now insists on +punctuality--and therein fashion is right. The unpunctual can never lay +claim to gentility. + + +FAMILIARITY.--Too ready an adoption of familiarity is to be guarded +against; and it is a blunder very frequently made for a person to +consider himself on terms of intimacy with another after one pleasant +conversation with him. You may be delighted with a man the first +time you hear him discourse, but you are not, therefore, to consider +yourself his intimate friend. Eminent literary men, who usually +entertain the company vastly wherever they go, and whose society is +much sought after, are especially apt to be annoyed by the ready +familiarity of persons, of whom they know nothing more than that, +on some previous occasion, they met at dinner. I remember a case in +point:--A person of not very bright parts or fashionable associations, +met for the first time an eminent writer, Mr. C---- D----. Delighted +by his conversation, and assured by his affability, this person got +up a party expressly to invite Mr. C---- D----, and possibly, also, +to display him to his friends as an intimate acquaintance. The other +saw through the trick the moment the invitation arrived, and at once +accepted it. The evening came, then the guests, and lastly Mr. C---- +D----. All eyes were fixed on him--he was as attractive as a prize ox. +All ears were attentive, and the happy moment, when he should begin +to talk, waited for with many heart-beatings. But he was too deep for +them; he sat for hours, drank coffee, wine, answered a few questions, +but otherwise spoke not a word. The whole affair was a miserable +failure, and Mr. C---- D---- went away, satisfied, no doubt, in having +inflicted a merited punishment on ill-judged familiarity, and perhaps +resolved to tell the story some day, better than I have done, in one of +his inimitable works. + + +FAVOURS are to be offered without show of patronage, and accepted +without servile gratitude. Not to acknowledge a favour gracefully is +unpardonable, but to load the donor with sickly gratitude a blunder +most abominable. + + +FIDGETTING.--Very many people, who have acquired fidgetty ways, carry +them wherever they go to the annoyance of all who meet them. I once +had a visitor who nibbled up a whole bundle of cigar lights in the +course of an evening, and while so engaged with his fingers and teeth, +rubbed a hole with his foot in a new Brussels carpet. Shifting about +in a chair, putting the legs now on the fender, now under the table, +scratching at pimples, biting the lip, &c., are fidgetty actions, +destructive of a polite bearing. + + +FRIENDSHIP AND ACQUAINTANCE are to be distinguished from each other in +worldly affairs. Acquaintances sometimes become the depositories of +secrets which should be even guardedly told to friends. Be wary how you +treat a mere acquaintance, that you do not place your affairs in his +hands, and on the slightest rupture regret having reposed in him too +much confidence. Acquaintances made at convivial meetings are generally +as hollow as the meetings themselves. Under the temptations of +hospitality men confide in each other more than wisdom would dictate, +and the “evening’s diversions” do not always “bear the morning’s +reflections.” + + +HOMELY PARTIES.--There is a class of recreation that cannot be too much +praised, and which people, in middle class life, are very apt in making +as nearly perfect as possible. These are Christmas gatherings, birthday +and other feasts, and friendly tea-drinkings, where comfort and +hospitality reign above fashion. Yet, though fashionable arrangements +do not extensively prevail in these, what we hint at, as necessary +in social gatherings of a higher kind, is not to be neglected here. +Politeness of manner, affability of temper, decorum, and proper taste +in dress are things to be considered; for though you are not required +to observe strictly fashionable rules, but to enjoy yourself in body +and mind, much of the comfort depends on the observance of trifles; and +we advise all who love these unpretending entertainments to study their +behaviour as much in these cases as they would for more fashionable +assemblies. Ease should be preferred to starched formality, but +boorishness should not disgrace the familiarity which is offered by the +host, and expected from the guest. + + +HOSPITALITY goes hand in hand with politeness. When you invite friends +do not treat your own invitation so lightly that it shall appear you do +not value your company. Study to please and to afford enjoyment, and, +in a modest manner, let your guests see that you do study them, and +their pleasure will be enhanced. + + +HURRY.--A man of sense never exhibits haste. A thing done in a hurry is +not likely to be well done. Some men of business pride themselves on +being always pressed for time, they think it displays activity of mind; +but, on the contrary, it exhibits weakness and vulgar breeding. Ease +of action does not imply sluggishness of mind, nor does undue haste +betoken importance. + + +IMITATION.--There are few who can resist the tendency of human nature +to imitate. Let one young man of a group take to swearing, and the +rest of his juvenile friends will immediately follow the practice. +I have known the style of conversation, in a complete circle of +acquaintance, to be changed by the peculiarities of one of its members; +impressed with those peculiarities, the rest have set about apeing +him to the best of their poor abilities, and succeeded in making +themselves ridiculous. There is a passage in Shirley Hibberd’s story +of “Cloribel,” which we would offer here as a motto for every sensible +youth, “Be thyself and none other, and we will love thee, whatsoe’er +thou art.” Imitate the perfections, not the vices, the excellencies +rather than the blemishes of a man; but preserve your individuality as +far as you are able. + + +INTRODUCTIONS should be performed with great grace and judgment. Be +careful, too, whom you introduce; I have seen more than one friend +ruined by an ill-judged introduction. It is a common blunder to +introduce persons in the street. If you meet an acquaintance when +you have a friend on your arm, bow and pass on with a “good day,” or +similar greeting, unless there be special reasons for halting. We only +reprobate street introductions _as a rule_. There are exceptions to +that as to all rules. We have once or twice been mortified by a sudden +introduction on a door-step. Consider time and place. It is necessary, +too, in most cases, to ask permission of a friend before you introduce +him to another; and a lady must be introduced to a gentleman, not a +gentleman to a lady. + + +INVITATIONS.--The writer from whom we have already quoted, says on this +subject, “When you ask a person to dinner, let it, if possible, be done +a week or ten days in advance; because, to ask a person only a day or +two days before, looks as if you had been disappointed of somebody +else, and had asked him as a mere stop-gap. A short invitation is only +allowable for off-hand parties, or with strangers who are passing +through a town. + +“When you invite a person to dinner, or any other party at your house, +specify only one day. Don’t say you will be glad to see him on either +of two days, as Tuesday or Wednesday next. And why? Because this person +may not wish to dine with or visit you at all; and so far from a choice +of days being thought an act of kindness, it may be considered one of +servility, if not rudeness. Always state only one day; and let the +invitation, like the answer, be unequivocal. + +“Invitations for several weeks in advance are almost as bad as +invitations for alternate days; because long invitations convey the +impression that the inviter is desperately ill off for guests, and +wishes to insure a number at all risks. The person invited is also apt +to feel that it is not _his_ pleasure or convenience that is consulted; +and to raise a feeling of this kind is anything but consistent with +true politeness. + +“The receiver of an invitation has a duty to perform as well as its +giver. It is incumbent on him to say _yes_ or _no_ at once--not +to allow a post or a day to elapse before answering. The reason is +obvious: a delay on his part looks as if he were waiting for a better +invitation before he made up his mind. Not to send a speedy reply, +therefore, is one of the worst pieces of breeding of which a man can +be guilty. It is also not using the inviter well; for a dinner-party +usually consists only of a certain number, and if you cannot accept the +invitation, say so, in order that time may be allowed to invite another +person in your place. Let the answer also be distinct, no uncertainty +is allowable; and if the invitation be accepted, let it be kept. + +“The answer to an invitation should be directed to the lady of the +house.” + +An invitation may be refused, or you cannot have a will of your own; +but the refusal should be couched in the kindest, briefest, and most +polite terms. + + +JESTING.--Never make sport of the failings or peculiarities of another. +Such things are common, but none the more admirable. If a joke is +levelled at you, do not suffer your temper to get the worse of you, +but join in the laugh good-temperedly, and the jester will be beaten +by your good humour. Jests are not always vulgar, and are allowable +with familiar friends, but never with strangers, and always without +personality or ill feeling. + + +LADIES.--Some coxcombs pride themselves on their female acquaintance, +and talk freely to their convivial friends of them. This is a +detestable vice, and at once stamps a man as base and cowardly. Others +affect a contempt for women, and treat them slightingly. Such conduct +is at the least unmanly, and generally springs from a puffed-up +conceit. Deference is due to woman in every station of society, and is +a characteristic of the true gentleman. + + +LEAVING COMPANY.--French leave is the fashion now-a-days in good +society, and we should hope will continue so. By this method you slip +out, shake hands quietly and unobserved with the host and hostess, +and the party goes on undisturbed; otherwise the movement of one is +frequently the signal for the movement of another, and the party is +broken up prematurely. I have seen, in homely assemblies, a sedate +matron retire to dress, and re-appear with bonnet and shawl on to +shake hands with the whole company. Nothing can be more vulgar, or +detrimental to the life of a party, however unpretending its character. + + +LETTERS.--To answer letters promptly, explicitly, and briefly, is a +duty incumbent on every person receiving one. I have known persons +leave letters for weeks unanswered, with the consoling remark, “Ah! +there’s So-and-so’s letter, I must answer that in a day or two.” What +should we think if we spoke to a man and did not get a reply for a +fortnight, and yet to delay answering a letter is as unbecoming. In +addressing persons, be particular to assign them their proper rank, and +make no difference in your mode of address, even if a quarrel takes +place, unless the intimacy is formally broken off, when the “Dear Sir” +must relapse into the “Sir” again. I have once or twice been annoyed by +a person who had always addressed me “Dear Sir,” address me as “Sir,” +after I had had a slight difference. I always knew then I had a paltry +mind to deal with, and acted accordingly. Impertinent and insolent +letters are best not answered. Of all things keep clear of a paper +war; it is a conflict in which the gentleman is sure to be flogged out +of you. Long letters are indulged in very much by the uncultivated, +but brevity in writing is the rule for a gentleman. Invitations by +letter should proceed from the lady of the house, and replies should +be addressed to her in return. I would recommend adherence to this +rule, even in little invitations to tea passing from one friend to +another. They give wives their proper place and importance, and that is +essential to decorum, comfort, and propriety. + + +MOURNING.--In calling on a friend who is in distress, put on a +little mourning also, or at least go in no flashy attire. If your +correspondent seals his letters with black, seal yours to him with +black also. + + +MYSTERIOUSNESS.--Never be dark or mysterious. If propriety does not +allow you to say a thing outright, do not allude to it at all. A +gentleman always attends to those old but excellent mottoes, “Mind your +own business,” and “A still tongue makes a wise head.” + + +PUNCTUALITY is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who +does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of +gentlemen, and will soon find himself shut out from it. + + +PUNNING is of late years very much indulged in. It is not altogether +objectionable, but is liable to become so; for punsters, like mad dogs, +when once started, run on till they are exhausted. Punning, too, is the +lowest species of wit, and unless puns are most happily pointed, and +free from all personal allusion, they are silly and contemptible. If +you pun, do not laugh at your own joke. + + +PURSE-PRIDE is to be seen everywhere, and is always an evidence of +weakness and vulgarity. Make no exhibition of your means; and if +misfortune befal any of your friends, be still more careful not to +display before them your superior fortune. Many a heart has been +rankled by conduct of this sort, which prevails largely amongst the +members of families. + + +QUARRELS are lowering to all the parties engaged in them, and usually +terminate in the discomfiture of those who think they have the +strongest side. If you feel you are in the right you are not justified +in making the right ridiculous. + + +RIDICULE.--To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or +absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your +skill may excite laughter, but will not insure respect. + + +RELIGION.--A reverential regard for religious observances, and +religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. +Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to intrude them on +others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious +topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all are prepared +to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies +the subject should never be introduced. + + +SULKINESS is not often indulged in by grown people, but we have seen +lamentable instances of men, otherwise possessed of considerable sense, +who would sulk for several weeks together, and during that time refrain +from speaking a word to the most familiar acquaintance, and this, too, +for some imaginary offence, or, if not imaginary, so trifling as to be +unworthy of notice. Such conduct is childish in the extreme; it marks +the first step in the dissolution of the mind, and, if much indulged, +must lead at last to hypochondriasis, or perhaps to a drivelling and +dolorous insanity. The picture of a sulky man is beyond the region of +the pitiful, it is laughable; and we do laugh, in the same way as we +should at the antics of a melancholy monkey. One who loves silence so +much, and adopts it on such imaginary grounds, deserves to be sent +for ever to Coventry, for in such a one’s society none are safe; the +slightest word may renew the fit, and you are then at his bidding as a +dog would be, to be spoken to and favoured when he pleases, conscious +when you do speak that every word you utter is fraught with danger to +his peace of mind. A morose man never has many friends, and runs the +risk of dying in old age without even one. + + +SALUTATIONS should be suited to the parties saluted. It is a point +much disputed upon whom the obligation of the first salute lies, when +persons of different age or condition meet. The best rule is for the +younger to salute the senior, as was the custom with the Romans. In +meeting a lady there is no difficulty; the lady salutes first, or no +recognition takes place. I have often been amazed by being stopped +in the street, and held by the hand by a person of whom I had no +recollection whatever, until he told me he had met me at such a +place some months ago. In such a case a bow is all that is allowed, +and this is always to be returned, whether you remember the person +or not; but to halt, and insist on shaking hands, and entering upon +some complimentary small-talk, is quite an error, unless the parties +are on terms of actual acquaintance. And here I am reminded of the +prevalence, at the present day, of protracted street salutations. You +are suddenly met by an acquaintance who bears down upon you as the +Chesapeake bore down upon the Shannon. You are seized as in a vice, +and your hand held for several minutes. Then follow sundry questions +about your health, when you saw Smith last, how Robinson’s wife is, +what news is there from the Crimea, and, lastly, treated to some +hackneyed remarks about the Parliament, or the weather. All this takes +up valuable time, obstructs the causeway, and ends in annoyance. Why +not shake hands heartily but briefly, exchange the compliments of +“Good day,” with mutual inquiries after wives and families, and then +part, each to attend to his own affairs, and each regarding his own +business as too important to be put to the risk of damage by a quarter +of an hour spent in twaddling on a kerb-stone, while the passers by +jolt and thrust against you, and the vehicles cover you with splashes. +The flabby shake of the hand in which some elderly persons indulge, +holding your digits in a slow oscillation till the palms are moist, is +very horrible, and by no means suggestive of hearty friendship, but +it must be borne patiently, sometimes out of respect to age. When a +person of my own age, however, treats me to one of these damp embraces, +I do not hesitate to withdraw my hand if I can; and if he holds it too +tight, and will not yield, I pinch him more tightly than he likes, and +continue my grip till he breaks down. + +Salutations should always be hearty, but softened by politeness; and in +shaking hand with a lady, do not grasp the whole palm, as you do with +your bosom friend, but let the fingers only meet, and be immediately +withdrawn. + + +SLIGHTS are easily offered, and not so easily made amends for. Be +careful how you treat sensitive persons, that they may not think +themselves slighted, for no wound goes so deep as wounded pride. + + +SMALL-TALK.--Some persons think the small-talk of society very +worthless and degrading, but so far from this being the case, it is +most useful. You cannot expect persons to utter profound wisdom every +time they speak, and small-talk serves to render persons in some degree +acquainted and sociable before more important topics arise. Besides, +good subjects arise out of small-talk; and conversation that begins in +trifles frequently ends in matters of high profit. + + +SECRECY is essential to the polite man or woman, who do not repeat all +they see and hear or know of people; but affectation of secrecy is a +vulgarity, and never begets confidence. + + +SPITE AND REVENGE are poor instruments, as unchristian as they are +morally degrading. No refined mind indulges in revengeful feelings. We +should be above resenting an injury, but avoid the society of those who +needlessly give offence. “Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place +unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith +the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give +him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. +Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” + + +SPITTING is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter, +in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively +amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well +cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably a great pleasure to those +accustomed to it, that it must not be condemned; yet the spitting +associated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined +person will spit where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; +the habit is disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that +it could be checked in public by means of law. + + +SURLINESS is far from the amiability and gentleness which true +refinement teaches us. There is a vast deal of surliness to be +encountered from puffed-up tradespeople and small professionals, but it +is never the mark of mental polish. + + +VANITY.--Most of us are too vain; and I fear the gentle sex must be +charged with somewhat of an excess in this particular. We are not to +sneer at the vanity of others, and endeavour to mortify them therein, +but first look to ourselves, that we are not equally vain in our own +particular manner. A vain display is always an abject thing, and may be +dispensed with profitably. + + +VULGARITIES.--We often have inward promptings of the vulgarity of our +actions; there is a sort of instinctive propriety in all of us, and +whenever we heed these monitions from within, we are pretty sure to be +in the right. If you have a doubt at any time of the propriety of an +action, let instinct guide you, and you are safe. I have observed that +it is very common for persons to talk very loud when in conversation +with foreigners, as if increase of noise would compensate for +difficulties of mutual understanding. In omnibus and railway travelling +there is a good deal of bawling, treading on toes, thrusting of elbows +into sides, crushing, crowding, and running to and fro. In the midst of +all this confusion the gentleman, punctual to time, walks with ease to +his place, takes his seat without hurry or noise, and, in securing his +own comfort, regards the comfort of others by a spirit of conciliating +accommodation. The other day, while riding in an omnibus, I was much +annoyed, as were others of the passengers, by two females (I regret I +cannot say _ladies_), who sat with heads protruding from the windows, +shouting and passing pleasantries to some acquaintance on the pathway. +Rudeness of any kind on such occasions causes annoyance to all who +witness it. + +Avoid all boastings and exaggerations, backbiting, abuse, and evil +speaking; slang phrases and oaths in conversation; depreciate no +man’s qualities, and accept hospitalities of the humblest kind in a +hearty and appreciative manner; avoid giving offence, and if you do +offend, have the manliness to apologise; infuse as much elegance as +possible into your thoughts as well as your actions; and as you avoid +vulgarities you will increase the enjoyment of life, and grow in the +respect of others. + + +WHISPERING is often indulged in by the young; and my parting advice to +all is, never to whisper, either in the presence or absence of others. +What you cannot say plainly do not say at all; and by never indulging +in the practice you will never give way to it unconsciously in the +presence of those who may think you are whispering of them. + + +CONCLUDING HINTS.--Adapt your greetings to the ages and conditions of +persons, but do not lapse into stiffness on one hand, and excess of +freedom on the other. Age demands respect in all conditions of life, +and superiors in station should have the deference to which they are +entitled. + +When offered a seat, or invited to sit to a meal, you are, in all +ordinary cases, bound to accept the invitation without hesitation. If +you find your friend dining, you cannot expect him to talk to you, +unless you join him at his request. If you refuse, he must finish +hastily in order to entertain you. + +In passing narrow ways, such as doorways and the like, step aside in +time for your superior to pass before you; and if he request you to +precede him, you must do so at once. If you are the superior, it is a +graceful action to motion your companion to take the precedence. No one +likes to be the lag-behind by compulsion. + +In the street, if a person bows to you, you are bound to return the +salutation, even if you do not remember him. You may remember when he +has passed, and bitterly regret the neglect of courtesy. Ladies should +be on the alert while walking, to give polite obeisance to any friend +who may pass, for in this case the gentleman cannot offer the salute; +the onus rests with the lady whether recognition shall take place or +not. + +At a party, if you wish to tell any visitor that his cab or other +vehicle is waiting for him, you must use the word _carriage_. +All vehicles are carriages that bring visitors, and no lady or +gentleman wishes it to be advertised to the room that their _cab_, or +wheelbarrow, is waiting for them. + + + + + Transcriber’s Note + + +Some inconsistencies in spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation have +been retained. + +This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. Small capitals +changed to all capitals. + +p. 26: changed “your’s” to “yours” (seal yours to him with black also) + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 *** diff --git a/77781-h/77781-h.htm b/77781-h/77781-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd06eac --- /dev/null +++ b/77781-h/77781-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1458 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html> +<html lang="en"> +<head> + <meta charset="UTF-8"> + <meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1"> + <title> + Blunders in behaviour corrected | Project Gutenberg + </title> + <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover"> + <style> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} +h1 .smaller { font-size: 80%; } +h1 .gesperrt { letter-spacing: 0.15em; } +.subtitle { + text-indent: 0; + font-size: 1.3em; + font-weight: bold; +} +.tp-small { font-size: 80%; } +.tp-large { font-size: 115%; } + +p { + margin-top: .5em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .5em; +} + +.gap {margin-top: 1.5em;} +.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} +.p4 {margin-top: 4em;} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: 33.5%; + margin-right: 33.5%; + clear: both; +} + +hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} +@media print { hr.chap {display: none; visibility: hidden;} } + +hr.r5 {width: 5%; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 47.5%; margin-right: 47.5%;} + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} +h2.nobreak {page-break-before: avoid;} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal; + text-indent: 0; +} /* page numbers */ + +blockquote { + margin-top: 0; + margin-bottom: 0; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.center {text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.allsmcap {font-variant: small-caps; text-transform: lowercase;} + +.gesperrt +{ + font-style: normal; + letter-spacing: 0.2em; + margin-right: -0.2em; +} +.x-ebookmaker-2 .gesperrt { + font-style: italic; + letter-spacing: normal; + margin-right: 0em; +} + +figcaption {font-weight: bold;} +figcaption p {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: .2em; text-align: inherit;} + +/* Images */ + +img { + max-width: 100%; + height: auto; +} + + +/* Transcriber's notes */ +.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; + color: black; + font-size:small; + padding:0.5em; + margin-bottom:5em; + font-family:sans-serif, serif; +} + + +/* indent paragraphs */ +p { text-indent: 1em; } +p.noindent { text-indent: 0; } + +/* de-emphasize page numbers */ +.pagenum { color: #bbbbbb; } + +/* TN styling */ +.transnote { + background-color: inherit; + border: 1px dashed #bbbbbb; + margin-top: 3em; + page-break-before: always; +} + +/* don't visibly style abbr */ +abbr { + border: none; + text-decoration: none; + font-variant: normal; +} +/* "gray bar" blockquotes */ +blockquote { + border-left: .15em solid #c8c8c8; + padding-left: .7em; + margin-left: 4%; + margin-right: 8%; +} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div style='text-align:center'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***</div> + + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> + +<h1> +BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR<br><br> +<span class="smaller gesperrt">CORRECTED;</span> +</h1> + +<p class="center subtitle p2"> +A Concise Code of Deportment for Both Sexes. +</p> + +<p class="center p4"> +<span class="tp-small">BY</span><br> +<span class="tp-large">AN OBSERVER OF MEN AND THINGS.</span> +</p> + +<p class="center p2"> +“It is a man’s manners that make his fortune.”—<span class="smcap">Cornelius Nepos.</span> +</p> + +<p class="center p2"> +LONDON:<br> +<span class="tp-large">GROOMBRIDGE & SONS, 5, PATERNOSTER ROW.</span> +</p> + +<hr class="r5"> + +<p class="center"> +1855. +</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="INTRODUCTION"> + INTRODUCTION. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p class="noindent"><span class="smcap">Books</span> on Etiquette generally confine their attention to the +usages of exclusively fashionable life, and are useful only in +forming the habits of youth, or those who, suddenly elevated +to a status higher than their natural reach, wish to adapt +themselves to a kind of society to which they are more frequently +allured by vanity than sense; for there is nothing +more really hollow than the life termed <i lang="fr">par-excellence</i> <span class="allsmcap">FASHIONABLE</span>. +The middle ranks of life are acknowledged to be most +tinctured with virtue, manliness, and religious feeling; for the +vanities of wealth, and the debasements of poverty, are alike +destructive of that uprightness of heart which civilization +professes to insure. Not but that there are many estimable personages +to be found in the highest walks of fashion and distinction; +and many, aye, more than would be believed, who +adorn the rugged paths of penury with the noblest examples +of gentleness of manners and moral rectitude. Still, between +these two extremes, what an enormous mass of individuals we +find, who, immured in trade, hurried along in the anxieties of +commercial life, find but few opportunities for the acquisition +of the higher kinds of knowledge, and the refining usages +which rob life of its harshness, and soften the heart in its +communion with the world. Here we find the deficiencies of +good-breeding mostly manifested; and here, too, the most +laudable desire prevails for the attainment of those polishing +touches which make us more congenial in our social intercourse, +and which, by giving our better feelings their proper +shape, by moulding our sentiments into elegance of expression, +help us to resist all temptations to petty dealing, and even to +check vice by making it unfashionable. Virtue and religion +are not only compatible with elegance of manners, but are +strengthened in their exercise by them; and every man who is +not a misanthropist, every woman who is not a nun, must feel +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span>the necessity of attention to forms and usages, and to those +elegancies of manner which characterize good-nature and +uprightness of heart as much as they do a fashionable education. +Politeness is as essential to the man of business as to +the haunter of gaming-tables and west-end saloons; it is even +more so to remove that reproach against trading influences in +which the wealthy so often indulge. Good feeling is not +improved by roughness of manner, nor is hospitality heightened +by a negligent display. Friendship is more acceptable +when its salutations and kindly offices are well-timed; and +religion herself delights to be clothed in vestments of elegance +and purity. Every man must account it a boon to enjoy +admission to the best society, to mingle with those who, by +learning, by polite accomplishments, and by the exercise of +philanthropic and moral feelings, have lifted their lives out of +the dull round of days and hours into a region of social sunshine; +and none would willingly mar the perfection of such +circles by carrying boorish manners into their midst, or destroy +his enjoyment by the exhibition of an inaptitude to elegant +society; nay, elegance should go with us to our homes; we +should exercise politeness at the fireside to our wives, our +husbands, our children, and our kindred generally, and not +keep our good-manners exclusively as articles of exhibition to +strangers. Many heart-burnings, many foolish indulgences +in temper, many unkind words and deeds would thus be +avoided; and while elegance of manner served frequently to +check us in the pursuit of wrong, it would often prompt us to +the culture of goodness, so long as we maintained that necessary +distinction between the refinement of the heart and the +mere outside show of feigned courtesy. Such hints as are +offered here are intended to help in this direction, and are +addressed to such as have not had the advantage of polite +education and example in youth, and who may have formed +their habits under adverse circumstances, and are not too vain +of them to seek for improvement.</p> + + +<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> +<div class="chapter"> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span></p> + + + <h2 class="nobreak" id="BLUNDERS_IN_BEHAVIOUR_CORRECTED"> + BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR CORRECTED. + </h2> +</div> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Absence of Mind.</span>—Chesterfield, in his “Advice to his +Son,” justly characterises an absent man as unfit for business +or conversation. Absence of mind is usually affected, and +springs in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted +in profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a +man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he +should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in this, +and I would implore every studious youth to forget that he is +studious when he enters company. I have seen many a man, +who would have made a bright character otherwise, affect a +foolish reserve, remove himself as far from others as possible, +and in a mixed assembly, where social prattle or sincere conversation +enlivened the hearts of the company, sit by himself +abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the +absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is sufficient, and +we do hint, that abstractedness of manner should never be +exhibited; the greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to +trifles when it so behoved them.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Accomplishments</span> are by some considered too trifling for +their attention, but no person desirous of the enjoyments of +social life can spurn them without paying the penalty. Men +of business are frequently denied the leisure necessary to +render themselves moderately proficient in continental languages, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span>music, dancing, and the arts of pleasing. Yet such +things are essential, and add very much to our enjoyments; +they tend to refine the nature, and form links of connection +between persons of all ages, sexes, and dispositions. It is our +duty to encourage everything of a refining nature, so long as +we lose in the pursuit none of the solid excellencies of character; +and, by a proper attention to such things, we insure +for ourselves reception in quarters where we should be obnoxious +without them. These acquisitions are equally important +to both sexes, though those of the masculine gender are most +guilty of the blunder of setting them at nought.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Affectation</span> is more prevalent than people care to own. +Ladies are terribly given to this folly. One affects not to +know the colour of money, unless it be pin-money, and then +her wits are unusually sharp. Another is so fashionable in +her tastes, that she thinks it elegant to take no interest in her +husband’s affairs; so that whether he prosper or fail in life +seems all the same to her. I know a lady who has lately +adopted the affectation of ignorance—a strange kind of affectation +certainly. If she should hear a remark from a scientific +man, in explanation of some curious natural phenomenon, she +will toss her head aside and, with a benign but unmeaning +smile, say, “Indeed! I don’t understand such things.” We +do not seek for blue-stockings, but really we cannot do without +common sense; and the pride of ignorance, whether it be +fashionable or not, must be looked upon as a blunder of tremendous +import. The affectation of superior wisdom is +equally objectionable. If a person tells you something you +already know, you are not to inform him in the middle of his +story that you know it already. It is a mark of a most vulgar +mind to parade your knowledge on any occasion, or seek +repute in society as a person of great attainments. Some +ardent young students are apt to interlard their conversation +with scientific terms and explanations, and with quotations +innumerable from out-of-the-way books. Such things are +well enough in moderation; but if not tempered as to time +and place, stamp the individual as conceited. I knew a man +who, in every respect but one, was a model of deportment and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span>sound sense; but in the one blunder of which he was guilty he +managed, on every possible occasion, to mar the esteem in +which he was everywhere held. He was a profound chemist, +and on all subjects ready and well informed, but he introduced +chemistry into his conversation so frequently, and soared to +such etherial heights in his theoretic speculations, that his presence +was at last dreaded. The ladies looked at him in awe, +the frivolous young men jeered and tittered, and he was known +at last by the sobriquet of the “Oxygen Nuisance.” But +though few persons carry their conceit so far as this, too many +of us are weak enough to think that what we especially delight +in must prove equally acceptable to all we meet; and affectation, +in this respect, must be guarded against by all who desire +to conduct themselves in society so as to be respected and +esteemed.</p> + +<p>Affectation of superiority is worse still, because it galls the +feelings of those to whom it is offered. In company with an +inferior, never let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who +invites his confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in +every way the same as his most distinguished guest. No +reference to business should be made, and anything in the +shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a word, +the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise to the other +guests, “This is my clerk,” or, “The person I now treat as +a guest was yesterday labouring in my service;” but such a +thing would lower the host more than it would annoy the +guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high popularity, he was +once invited by some puffed up lairds to dine, in order that +they might have the gratification of hearing the poet sing one +of his own songs. Burns was shown into the servants’ hall, +and left to dine with the menials. After dinner he was invited +to the drawing-room, and, a glass of wine being handed to +him, requested to sing one of his own songs. He immediately +gave his entertainers that thrilling assertion of independence, +“A man’s a man for a’ that,” and left the moment he had +finished, his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner +so insulting to his poverty.</p> + +<p>If you take pains to mortify a man, to make him feel that +he occupies an inferior station, that he stands below you in +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span>abilities, rank, or fortune, you offer him an insult, which, +though he may be too much of a gentleman to resent, nevertheless +he is sure to feel, and for which none of your kindnesses +are a compensation. An inferior is even entitled to +superior attention, that he may not have even the fear of being +slighted; and, above all things, that he have sufficient confidence +in himself, to mingle freely in conversation. True +politeness consists in making everybody happy about you, and +to do otherwise a proof of an uncultivated nature.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Affronts</span> are to be borne more patiently than we are wont +to bear them. To resent an affront is usually wrong, and for +these reasons:—We are not always sure that an affront was +intended, in which case resentment must be built upon error. +We are not to carry in our breasts remembrance of every +wrong, for we know not how many we ourselves unconsciously +commit on others. If we cannot bear with trifling annoyances +we must shun human society altogether, for it is a mixture +of such with gratifications. Nature gives us corn with +the chaff on, and in men she presents us with some paltry characters +which we must tolerate. Besides, to take notice of +every trifling annoyance shows too great a study of trifles, +quite apart from the dignified bearing of gentlemanly conduct. +Do not notice every offence, and you will not have many to +trouble you.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Ball Room.</span>—Everybody knows it is a blunder to enter +a ball room with the head covered; but everybody does not +know that it is equally so to enter immediately after smoking, +when every lady you speak to must put up with the Stygian +fumes of your tainted breath. As to the elegancies of salutation, +address, and so forth, every person who enters a ball +room must be sufficiently prepared beforehand, by having +mingled in genteel society; such things cannot be taught in +words. Those who can dance know all the forms of ball room +courtesy; but these are apt to commit blunders unless they +study to please. Those unused to the ball room should enter +it with confidence, seek a partner, and after one or two dances +leave. After leading your partner to a seat leave her, but not +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>abruptly; if you burden her with your society she may fail in +getting another partner. Young men, who have not had much +experience in polite circles, are sometimes so enamoured of a +lady, after one or two dances, as to continue their companionship +throughout the evening. This is a great error; you seek +a partner for the dance only, and not for companionship and +conversation. Do not lounge about the seats as a looker on, +or you will be counted a bore. Should a lady express a wish +not to dance, it is unpolite to press her; and it is equally +unpolite to look after a certain lady as a partner, to haunt her, +as it were, when perhaps she may not have the same desire to +dance with you that you have for her. When a lady has +engaged to dance with you, you are not to afflict her with your +society as a matter of course; indeed, to sit with your partner +for any length of time is a mark of ill-breeding. It is the +thorough mingling of persons one with another that constitutes +the charm of the ball room, and cliques and conversations +are to be avoided. Relatives and lovers should associate +as little as possible in the dance; and a man should but +seldom, except in very homely parties, dance with his wife. +Greetings in the ball room should be quietly performed, so as +not to attract attention.</p> + +<p>Ladies are generally <i lang="fr">au fait</i> in ball room etiquette; but having +once or twice seen a lady rambling in the room by herself, +I will here hint, for the benefit of my fair readers, that a lady +should not leave her seat to cross the room, or speak to a +friend, unless accompanied by a gentleman. A little observation, +and a modest confidence, will enable any person to +acquire ease and elegance in parties where dancing is going on.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Button-holding.</span>—Chesterfield inveighs against holding +a man by the button, “for if people are not willing to hear +you, you had much better hold your tongue than them.” Button-holding +is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging, +hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick +of recognition under the table, are too common not to be +noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Significant +looks and gestures are equally objectionable, and must be +avoided by all who desire to soar above positive vulgarity. I +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span>have often been annoyed by hearing a friend discourse on some +person’s failings or excellencies, the person referred to being +known only to the speaker. It is a bad rule to talk of persons +at all, but more especially if the person spoken of is not known +to all the listeners.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Calls.</span>—When you call on a friend and do not find him at +home, leave your card, your name will not be sufficient. After +having made a call, it is the duty of your acquaintance to +return it; and unless it be returned (peculiar circumstances +being allowed for) you must not call again, but infer that he +wishes to drop your acquaintance. This, indeed, is a safe +mode of breaking off an acquaintance, and this is the mode +adopted in polite society. No one complains, but the thing is +silently dropped. In making morning calls, you are not to +stay above ten or fifteen minutes, and during the whole time +you are to keep your hat in your hand, and not part with it +for a moment. This custom seems ridiculous at first sight, +but, like most ceremonies, has a good meaning in it. By +holding your hat you indicate that you are about to leave, and +do not expect an invitation to dinner; while, if your host +wishes you to stay, he will beg you to be relieved of the incumbrance. +It is a ruinous practice to make a call anywhere at +the hour of dinner. You may, perhaps, be invited to sit +down, but if the thing be repeated, your acquaintance will be +unwelcome. This would scarcely seem worth mentioning, but +the practice prevails a good deal, and is a blunder to be guarded +against.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Children.</span>—Almost every parent commits the blunder of +making too much of his children in the presence of visitors. +It is very pardonable in fond mothers, but papas are the most +subject to make themselves ridiculous on this score. Remember +the old motto about regarding your geese as swans, and do +not thrust your children on your visitors as prodigies of beauty, +eccentricity, and excellence. The other extreme is just as +bad; and to thrust your children from the room, or to treat +them harshly in the presence of others, makes you look as if +you were ashamed of them. Still, as a rule, children should +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span>not be obtruded on the attention of visitors, or made to exhibit +their parts to those who feel compelled to praise even in spite +of disapprobation. My friend R⁠—— often burdens me with +anecdotes of his boy’s roguery, and this in presence of the +boy himself. Whereupon the child, fired with parental approval, +begins to pinch and pummel me, much to my annoyance; +though I can bear this better than I can to hear my +friend talk of his son’s musical predilections, which always lead +the youngster to a sham pianoforte performance with his +fingers on the table, or to the humming of some tune in a +tone loud enough to stop all conversation.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Cleanliness</span> of person is a distinguishing trait of every +well-bred person; and this not on state occasions only, but +at all times, even at home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a +slovenly state, consoling oneself with the remark, “Nobody +will call to-day.” Should somebody call we are in no plight +to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to the character +to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are +unseen.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Commands</span> should never be given in a commanding tone. +A gentleman requests, he does not command. We are not to +assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to give +orders in the “imperative mood,” nor are we ever justified in +thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any one. The +blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed +by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and +we should not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Control of Temper.</span>—It is very unbecoming to exhibit +petulance, or angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely +in almost every circle. The true gentleman does not suffer +his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look paltry +when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions +of feeling. “He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly.”</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Conversation</span> ranks the highest among social enjoyments. +To converse well requires extensive knowledge, elegance of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span>manner, command of temper, and a desire to please. He +who cannot converse to the profit of the company, must listen +for the profit of himself; though no one need preserve a stolid +silence from excessive bashfulness or conscious inability. The +smallest remark may be well-timed and elegantly uttered; the +lightest observation properly pointed and emphasised, and the +most trivial question put with modesty, grace, and elegance +of expression. Yet, in middle-class society, how little really +good conversation do we hear? How frequently personalities +creep in; how one gives way to undue warmth when his religious +and political principles are assailed; how another jests +and puns upon the most serious subjects; or a third plays the +pedant by the use of a string of technicalities, which he himself +scarcely understands, to adorn his shallow learning and his +imperfect judgment. Of that shallow talk in which the fast-going +men of the day indulge—a drawling mixture of the +quasi-fashionable and the idiotic—we do not speak at all, for +it is not conversation but slow prattle, too tinctured with the +germs of vice to be childish, but too silly for the utterance of +men. We speak of what bears the name of conversation +amongst the reading and thinking portion of middle-class +society, which is to be heard at social gatherings, at quiet +dinner parties, and by the family tea-table. The conversation +in these quarters is not equal to the personages; they are apt +to descend below themselves for the sake of displaying incipient +wit, imperfect knowledge, execrable powers of criticism, or +for the achievement of some petty conquest in argument. +Pity that many good societies should be marred by unbridled +and untamed tongues. Pity that conversation is not everywhere +made a matter of study, that men will not exercise as +much care in speaking their thoughts as they do in writing +them.</p> + +<p>Among the most glaring social blunders to be noticed under +this head are, talking too much of ourselves. This is a blunder +very commonly committed, and is as much a mark of vanity +as want of sense. Really <em>great men</em> have never said much of +themselves, therefore we may infer, by the converse argument, +that he who indulges in talking of himself must be a really +<em>small man</em>. In the whole of Shakspere’s plays and poems you +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span>do not gather enough of the poet’s history to settle definitely +the question whether he was lame or not, or even to fix, with +any certainty, his opinions on political and religious subjects. +He who talks much of himself is also apt to tell of the injuries +he has sustained. This is a very common blunder, but a most +unpardonable one. It is undignified to carry our woes about +with us, and retail them out to others, saying how such-a-one +has cheated us of money, how another has offered us an +insult, and so on. If you cannot say something cheerful +to your friend, keep at a distance, and let him enjoy at +peace his own cogitations. What are your affairs to other +people? keep your own counsel, and be not too ready to +make confidants.</p> + +<p>If you are not to talk of yourself freely, so are you not to +talk freely of others. I regret to have to confess here, that +scandal, in some shape or other, is the bane of our English +society, and needs as severe lashing now-a-days as it did when +Sheridan wrote his wonderful comedy. Though when these +pages meet the reader’s eye he will perhaps be unwilling to +own it, but I will still insist, that both sexes are universally +addicted to this vice in some form or other; and that it is +sheer vanity, or perhaps even shame, which prompts men to +make the charge of scandal against females, while they repudiate +any share in the guilt themselves. The shapes scandal +takes are so numerous, that it is impossible here to attempt +to define them. Let the reader reflect on this, and ask himself +whether he has ever indulged in scandal, even in a mild form. +Let my lady friends, too, ponder awhile, and next time they +find the tongue running away in condemnation of an absent +friend, sister, or brother, or in severe criticism on such and +such a person’s conduct, take the assurance that such conduct +is unkind, unfair, mean, paltry, <em>ungenteel</em>. The quiet, half-expressed +sneer is still more detestable, for it is more injurious, +more insidious in its operation, more secret in its manner, and +hence more discreditable to the utterer. A person who indulges +in depreciatory remarks, insinuations, sneers, and the +like, no matter though he <em>thinks</em> he has good grounds for +them, is like the viper, which steals noiselessly on its unsuspecting +victim, gives its sting in silence, and disappears. To +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span>slander, in plain terms, is better than to hint and insinuate, +but both are evidences of a mean and contemptible mind.</p> + +<p>Contradictions are usually given too abruptly, and sometimes +lead to wrangling, or if not noticed by the parties +receiving them, are still apt to rankle and annoy secretly, and +destroy the harmony which ought to prevail in an assembly of +friends. It is equally absurd to make bets or to strengthen a +statement or argument by an offer of a bet in support of it. +Such things are worthy only of the lowest rabble, and no man +making pretensions to the status of a gentleman should descend +to it. Oaths of all kinds are as ungentlemanly as they are +wicked; and the frequent use of the condemnatory oath as +verb, adjective, and noun, both immoral and degrading.</p> + +<p>There are some men, of respectable position and pretensions, +who are so barren of general intelligence that they can talk of +nothing except their own business affairs. Such men are very +worthless in social society, and we conjure the reader at all +times to steer clear of conduct which so readily indicates vulgarity +and emptiness. A tradesman will perhaps sit down at +your table, and endeavour to entertain you with an account of +sales and purchases; anon comes a thin-minded solicitor’s +clerk, who brings with him a string of appeals and motions; +then an incipient author, who tells you of the immense mass +of verses he has written for the behoof of cheesemongers and +trunkmakers; and, to wind up, a portly widow repeats for the +hundredth time the story of her troubles, her husband’s failure +and death, and her present endeavours to establish a little +business in the millinery way. Those who sit in such a company, +and withhold, for decency’s sake, the story of their own affairs, +find that the evening has been utterly wasted, for not one spark +of general intelligence, not one item of general information, +not one coruscation of original humour has illuminated the +dull round of these many wasted hours. I would sooner console +myself with a newspaper, and read the list of bankruptcies +and suicides, than listen to a man who indulged in descriptions +of his own skill in trade, his losses and profits, or the +thousand and one trifles which we all have to consider and +remember, but which are of no interest to any but ourselves.</p> + +<p>The affectation of wisdom is a very common vice amongst +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span>pseudo-students. For instance, <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Smallweed, who is really +a well-informed man, is so conceited in this respect that he +cannot, when the subject of the conversation affords him opportunity, +avoid interlarding his remarks with technicalities and +remote allusions. He would not speak of finches or whales +but under the Cuvierian terms of <i lang="la">Fringillidæ</i> or <i lang="la">Cetacæ</i>, or refer +to the Canadian columbine, or the field pimpernel, but under +their botanical names of <i lang="la">Aquilegia Canadensis</i> or <i lang="la">Anagallis +arvensis</i>. Such terms are neither elegant nor appropriate in +mixed society; and so far from causing the ladies to look up +in astonishment at the profound learning of the speaker—an +effect usually intended and wished for—they are more likely +to indulge in a sly titter, and vote his hard words a bother. +This is the “little learning” which Bacon terms “a dangerous +thing” and must be avoided by those who would cultivate good-breeding, +which is always more allied to simplicity of expression, +and transparency of conduct, than to complicated +technicalities, or dark mysterious doings. Another fault +of <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Smallweed is, that he never pays proper attention +to another speaker; the music of his own voice is too great a +charm for him, and he thinks it must have a very siren-like +tone to others; so he rambles on till some wag asks him if he +has a dictionary with him, when he drops into sulkiness, looks +black, and is quieted for a time. While upon <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Smallweed’s +failings, let me refer to his habitual mode of referring to other +persons, for this fault of his is very common to the civilized +specimen of (to use his phrase) the anthropological animal. +For instance, instead of saying, “My friend, <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Simpson, +told me so-and-so,” he invariably says, “Simpson told me so-and-so,” +or, “Longman’s are the publishers of So-and-so’s +book.” A gentleman never drops the “<abbr>Mr.</abbr>,” or the “<span lang="fr">Messieurs</span>,” +the “<abbr>Dr.</abbr>,” the “Professor,” or any other title or +mode of address to which persons are entitled. It is ungentlemanly +to speak of “Bulwer’s last novel,” or “the new edition +of Gill’s Commentary.” We should say, “Sir Edward +Lytton Bulwer,” and “<abbr>Dr.</abbr> Gill,” and not abbreviate, as if a +respectful mention of a person cost us more breath than he is +worth.</p> + +<p>A few short rules for conversation may here be useful; and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span>I offer them in the fewest words possible, because I think that +for those who wish to cultivate a polite bearing, and conserve +the good feeling which usually accompanies gentlemanly conduct, +a hint is alone sufficient.</p> + +<p>1. Do not talk too long together, for fear of tiring your +hearers, and so as to afford others an opportunity of talking +also. 2. Watch your listeners to be sure that they are interested, +and if they appear not to be, allow the conversation to +take its own shape in some other channel. 3. If you observe +a person about to make a remark, give him the opportunity +by pausing and assuming an attentive and <em>expectant</em> countenance. +4. If you tell stories let them be short, pointed, appropriate, +and without digression. 5. Avoid repetitions and +hackneyed phrases. 6. Use as few gestures as possible; on a +Frenchman gestures and grimaces set very well, because they +are natural to the people, but the English gentleman seldom +indulges in pantomime, and never in mimicry. 7. Exercise +your skill as a listener occasionally, and listen attentively and +with appreciation. If you are a listener by nature, and hence +not a talker, do not suffer yourself to become habitually dumb, +or your society will be seldom acceptable. 8. Never anticipate +a slow speaker, and avoid correcting another in his pronunciation. +Friends, on very familiar terms, may correct each +other occasionally, but not in the presence of a third party, +and always in a quiet and respectful manner. 9. Do not give +advice unasked. 10. Give a speaker respectful attention and +look him in the face while speaking. 11. Be not too free in +speaking your mind; remember that your mind may not be +always right, and frankness of speech is not to be commended +when its conclusions are built up by unsound reasoning on +incorrect data; besides, by plain speaking you may frequently +wound a sensitive person, and one, too, having quite as noble +views of things as yourself. People who pride themselves on +speaking their minds are generally very vain of their opinions, +and forgetful of the old motto as to the good intentions with +which a certain place is said to be paved. 12. Never burden +ladies with arguments. They are very wise in dreading them +as they do. 13. Treat females as becomes them, and indulge +none of those vanities, so prevalent at the present day, of +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span>regarding women as inferior beings. 14. Swearing, coarse +jokes, indecent anecdotes, slang phrases, and personal allusions +are very common, but not the less unprofitable, unreasonable, +ungentlemanly, low, and reprehensible. Avoid them; they +are the puddles of the mind, in which the more we dabble the +more we are soiled, degraded, and lessened in the esteem +both of others and ourselves.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Dining out.</span>—When entering where you are invited to dine +make your obeisance to the lady of the house, and do not consider +yourself a guest until you have seen her. In leading a +lady down stairs do not rush forward and perform the task +clumsily. In going down the lady should have the widest side, +supposing the stair to have a wide and narrow side, as is the +case with winding staircases. But it is better to take the +wrong side at once than stand perplexed, or to change sides +after once having given a lady your arm. The rule is for the +lady you take down to sit on your right hand; but when you +take down the hostess you should sit on her right hand—namely, +in the seat of honour. Of course every guest cannot +enjoy this privilege, hence, where there are many invited, the +host either assigns her to some favoured guest, or the most +elderly gentleman, or party of highest rank, assumes the office. +It is always better for the host to request some person, whom he +considers his chief guest, to take down the lady of the house. +The other ladies are paired off in the same manner by the +host, whose duty it is to arrange the company so that they may +sit in comfort at the meal. The host himself selects the chief +lady visitor, and leads her off first. The hostess sees all down +before leaving, therefore, if you are to escort her, allow her time +to usher her guests away. A stickler for etiquette, in writing +on this subject, says—</p> + +<p>“A custom, lately come in, seems to be deservedly gaining +ground: instead of sitting at the top and bottom of the table, +the host and hostess sit opposite each other at the middle; by +which means they are more at ease, more in the centre of their +guests, and better able to communicate with each other. +George <abbr title="the Fourth">IV.</abbr> adopted this practice twenty years ago: it is followed +by the present queen. According to this arrangement, +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span>two persons can be accommodated at each end of the table—not +a bad point where there is limited accommodation.</p> + +<p>“A dinner party usually lasts four hours. If you go at six, +you may order your carriage at ten; if at seven, it may come +at eleven; and so on. What dinner hours are by-and-bye to +come to I cannot tell. Not many years ago, dinner at five +o’clock was thought mighty genteel; then we had half-past +five; next came six, and six and a-half—both of which are +now general; but seven is also far from uncommon. That +the fashionable dinner hour will be pushed on to eight, to nine, +or to ten, is what we may reasonably expect. When it comes +to this pass, will dinner bound back to its ancient hours, or will +it be extinguished as a formal meal?”</p> + +<p>Fashion runs mad occasionally, and it has lately done so in +thrusting the task of carving on ladies. This must be regarded +as a blunder we should hope soon to be corrected. The task +of carving is no light one—it is really a masculine operation, +and utterly inappropriate for the style of ladies’ dresses, manners, +and manual weakness. What fashion insists on, in this +respect, common sense must condemn.</p> + +<p>You must make yourself as useful as possible at the dinner-table, +and be attentive in supplying the wants of others, especially +ladies, but avoid obtruding your services. Reaching +across the table is very vulgar, as it is also to indulge any +peculiarities of appetite, such as eating condiments with dishes +with which they are not usually accompanied. I knew an +elderly gentleman who always insisted on having mustard with +his pastry, so that when his favourite condiment had been +removed it had to be brought back for him, causing considerable +disturbance. Good sense will dictate to a person rather +to refrain from eating a particular dish than disarrange the +table in order to gratify an eccentric whim.</p> + +<p>To eat quick, or very slow, are marks of ill-breeding; and +to put your nose in your plate, or emit that peculiar bubbling +sound, which some indulge in when imbibing soup, vulgar and +obnoxious. Coughing and sneezing are not always to be +avoided, but much may be done to conserve elegance and propriety +at dinner in checking these and other infirmities.</p> + +<p>It is very painful to see a joint carved ungracefully, but +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span>nothing but practice will enable you to carve well. Novices +in life have a great dread of carving poultry, but it is a less +difficult operation than is usually imagined; and I would +advise my readers to practice at home, and acquire ease in such +duties before incurring the responsibility at a friend’s table. +It is better to request some one near you to carve a fowl than +to run the risk of spoiling the bird, and at the same time +bespattering some lady’s dress with the gravy. But guard +against bashfulness in such matters; do with confidence whatever +you feel you can do well, or you will endanger the comfort +of yourself and others.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Dining at home.</span>—When you invite several friends to +dine with you have your dinner ready within a short time after +the hour named, but not punctually to a moment, that any who +have not arrived may not feel slighted at your having commenced +dinner. Do not invite, at the same time, persons +who are not on terms with each other, though it is a delicate +matter, always, to take into consideration other people’s differences. +Among kindred it is often advisable to pursue an +opposite course—for many a friendship, among relatives, is +renewed at another table, where petty differences are, of course, +to be forgotten. Study the tastes of your guests; and if there +is any particular dish which your visitors will prefer, set it +before them, and with the remark, “I think I noticed you to +prefer this or that;” or, “I think you are partial to so-and-so, +I therefore obtained it for you.” If you go out of your way +to humour your friend you are not to be too modest to let him +know it, though you are not to exaggerate your attention, and +make him feel that you burden him with attentions.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Drinking healths</span> has happily gone out of fashion. Except +in bachelor’s parties, where a few old-school notions +are preserved, it is considered very unpolite to give toasts and +healths.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Disputes</span> lead to discord; and a man fond of disputation +soon gets the repute of a quibbler. Objections may be +politely taken without involving the objector in a controversy. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span>The polite man avoids anything which may lead to a protracted +debate.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Dress.</span>—The hostess should be particularly careful not to +outshine her guests. I have seen many instances where ladies, +fond of dress (and what lady is not fond of dress), and conscious +that it is unbecoming to dress to excess when visitors are +invited, yet so unable to restrain the desire of display, have +made the whole of her guests look shabby, by the contrast of +her own gay colours. To dress meanly is a mark of disrespect +to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay appearance. +If you make a grand display yourself you are apt to +appear as if you wished to parade your appearance, and it is +always safer to be under than over the mark. In going out +consider the sort of company you are likely to meet, and +endeavour to assimilate to them as much as possible—for to +make a great display elsewhere is an evidence of bad taste. +But here, if you miss the happy medium, dress above the +mark rather than below it, for you may dress more out of +doors than you may at home. Where dancing is expected to +take place no one should go without new kid gloves; nothing +is so revolting as to see one person in an assembly ungloved, +especially where the heat of the room, and the exercise +together, are sure to make the hands redder than usual. +Gentlemen seldom indulge in gaudy or light colours; but +quasi-gentlemen do blaze a little in this way, and carry their +character with them accordingly. The abolition of the white +neckcloth is, in my opinion, to be regretted; still, fashion has +declared it shall be used no longer, and at the most <i lang="fr">recherche</i> +assemblies the gentlemen all wear black stocks or neckerchiefs.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Eccentricities</span> should never be indulged away from home. +They are rather the tokens of vanity, than the evidences of +peculiar idiosyncracies. An eccentric man is always dreaded; +and though the world has been indulgent, in this respect, to a +few great geniuses, it is usually very harsh on the matter to +ordinary mortals. Besides, no man was ever great by virtue +of his peculiarities, but in spite of them.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span></p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Excesses.</span>—It is very common to see persons eat, drink, +and smoke to excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest +degree. Some men pride themselves on their abilities in +drinking and smoking—more especially in the latter. These +are blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The +man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or later, +be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, and not even +by them be respected. Guard against excess in all things, as +neither gentlemanly nor human.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Engagements.</span>—Some time ago it was fashionable for +parties to arrive some time after the appointed hour. Fashion +now insists on punctuality—and therein fashion is right. The +unpunctual can never lay claim to gentility.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Familiarity.</span>—Too ready an adoption of familiarity is to +be guarded against; and it is a blunder very frequently made +for a person to consider himself on terms of intimacy with +another after one pleasant conversation with him. You may +be delighted with a man the first time you hear him discourse, +but you are not, therefore, to consider yourself his intimate +friend. Eminent literary men, who usually entertain the +company vastly wherever they go, and whose society is much +sought after, are especially apt to be annoyed by the ready +familiarity of persons, of whom they know nothing more than +that, on some previous occasion, they met at dinner. I +remember a case in point:—A person of not very bright parts +or fashionable associations, met for the first time an eminent +writer, <abbr>Mr.</abbr> C⁠—— D⁠——. Delighted by his conversation, and +assured by his affability, this person got up a party expressly +to invite <abbr>Mr.</abbr> C⁠—— D⁠——, and possibly, also, to display him +to his friends as an intimate acquaintance. The other saw +through the trick the moment the invitation arrived, and at +once accepted it. The evening came, then the guests, and +lastly <abbr>Mr.</abbr> C⁠—— D⁠——. All eyes were fixed on him—he +was as attractive as a prize ox. All ears were attentive, and +the happy moment, when he should begin to talk, waited for +with many heart-beatings. But he was too deep for them; he +sat for hours, drank coffee, wine, answered a few questions, +but otherwise spoke not a word. The whole affair was a +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span>miserable failure, and <abbr>Mr.</abbr> C⁠—— D⁠—— went away, satisfied, +no doubt, in having inflicted a merited punishment on ill-judged +familiarity, and perhaps resolved to tell the story some +day, better than I have done, in one of his inimitable works.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Favours</span> are to be offered without show of patronage, and +accepted without servile gratitude. Not to acknowledge a +favour gracefully is unpardonable, but to load the donor with +sickly gratitude a blunder most abominable.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Fidgetting.</span>—Very many people, who have acquired +fidgetty ways, carry them wherever they go to the annoyance +of all who meet them. I once had a visitor who nibbled up a +whole bundle of cigar lights in the course of an evening, and +while so engaged with his fingers and teeth, rubbed a hole with +his foot in a new Brussels carpet. Shifting about in a chair, +putting the legs now on the fender, now under the table, +scratching at pimples, biting the lip, <abbr title="etc.">&c.</abbr>, are fidgetty actions, +destructive of a polite bearing.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Friendship and acquaintance</span> are to be distinguished +from each other in worldly affairs. Acquaintances sometimes +become the depositories of secrets which should be even +guardedly told to friends. Be wary how you treat a mere +acquaintance, that you do not place your affairs in his hands, +and on the slightest rupture regret having reposed in him too +much confidence. Acquaintances made at convivial meetings +are generally as hollow as the meetings themselves. Under +the temptations of hospitality men confide in each other more +than wisdom would dictate, and the “evening’s diversions” +do not always “bear the morning’s reflections.”</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Homely parties.</span>—There is a class of recreation that cannot +be too much praised, and which people, in middle class +life, are very apt in making as nearly perfect as possible. +These are Christmas gatherings, birthday and other feasts, and +friendly tea-drinkings, where comfort and hospitality reign +above fashion. Yet, though fashionable arrangements do not +extensively prevail in these, what we hint at, as necessary in +social gatherings of a higher kind, is not to be neglected here. +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span>Politeness of manner, affability of temper, decorum, and proper +taste in dress are things to be considered; for though you are +not required to observe strictly fashionable rules, but to enjoy +yourself in body and mind, much of the comfort depends on +the observance of trifles; and we advise all who love these +unpretending entertainments to study their behaviour as much +in these cases as they would for more fashionable assemblies. +Ease should be preferred to starched formality, but boorishness +should not disgrace the familiarity which is offered by the +host, and expected from the guest.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Hospitality</span> goes hand in hand with politeness. When +you invite friends do not treat your own invitation so lightly +that it shall appear you do not value your company. Study to +please and to afford enjoyment, and, in a modest manner, let +your guests see that you do study them, and their pleasure will +be enhanced.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Hurry.</span>—A man of sense never exhibits haste. A thing +done in a hurry is not likely to be well done. Some men of +business pride themselves on being always pressed for time, +they think it displays activity of mind; but, on the contrary, +it exhibits weakness and vulgar breeding. Ease of action +does not imply sluggishness of mind, nor does undue haste +betoken importance.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Imitation.</span>—There are few who can resist the tendency of +human nature to imitate. Let one young man of a group +take to swearing, and the rest of his juvenile friends will +immediately follow the practice. I have known the style of +conversation, in a complete circle of acquaintance, to be +changed by the peculiarities of one of its members; impressed +with those peculiarities, the rest have set about apeing him to +the best of their poor abilities, and succeeded in making +themselves ridiculous. There is a passage in Shirley Hibberd’s +story of “Cloribel,” which we would offer here as a motto for +every sensible youth, “Be thyself and none other, and we will +love thee, whatsoe’er thou art.” Imitate the perfections, not +the vices, the excellencies rather than the blemishes of a man; +but preserve your individuality as far as you are able.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span></p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Introductions</span> should be performed with great grace and +judgment. Be careful, too, whom you introduce; I have seen +more than one friend ruined by an ill-judged introduction. It +is a common blunder to introduce persons in the street. If +you meet an acquaintance when you have a friend on your +arm, bow and pass on with a “good day,” or similar greeting, +unless there be special reasons for halting. We only reprobate +street introductions <em>as a rule</em>. There are exceptions to +that as to all rules. We have once or twice been mortified by +a sudden introduction on a door-step. Consider time and +place. It is necessary, too, in most cases, to ask permission +of a friend before you introduce him to another; and a lady +must be introduced to a gentleman, not a gentleman to a lady.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Invitations.</span>—The writer from whom we have already +quoted, says on this subject, “When you ask a person to +dinner, let it, if possible, be done a week or ten days in +advance; because, to ask a person only a day or two days +before, looks as if you had been disappointed of somebody +else, and had asked him as a mere stop-gap. A short invitation +is only allowable for off-hand parties, or with strangers +who are passing through a town.</p> + +<p>“When you invite a person to dinner, or any other party at +your house, specify only one day. Don’t say you will be glad +to see him on either of two days, as Tuesday or Wednesday +next. And why? Because this person may not wish to dine +with or visit you at all; and so far from a choice of days being +thought an act of kindness, it may be considered one of servility, +if not rudeness. Always state only one day; and let +the invitation, like the answer, be unequivocal.</p> + +<p>“Invitations for several weeks in advance are almost as +bad as invitations for alternate days; because long invitations +convey the impression that the inviter is desperately ill off for +guests, and wishes to insure a number at all risks. The person +invited is also apt to feel that it is not <em>his</em> pleasure or convenience +that is consulted; and to raise a feeling of this kind +is anything but consistent with true politeness.</p> + +<p>“The receiver of an invitation has a duty to perform as +well as its giver. It is incumbent on him to say <i>yes</i> or <i>no</i> at +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span>once—not to allow a post or a day to elapse before answering. +The reason is obvious: a delay on his part looks as if he were +waiting for a better invitation before he made up his mind. +Not to send a speedy reply, therefore, is one of the worst +pieces of breeding of which a man can be guilty. It is also +not using the inviter well; for a dinner-party usually consists +only of a certain number, and if you cannot accept the invitation, +say so, in order that time may be allowed to invite +another person in your place. Let the answer also be distinct, +no uncertainty is allowable; and if the invitation be accepted, +let it be kept.</p> + +<p>“The answer to an invitation should be directed to the lady +of the house.”</p> + +<p>An invitation may be refused, or you cannot have a will of +your own; but the refusal should be couched in the kindest, +briefest, and most polite terms.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Jesting.</span>—Never make sport of the failings or peculiarities +of another. Such things are common, but none the more +admirable. If a joke is levelled at you, do not suffer your +temper to get the worse of you, but join in the laugh good-temperedly, +and the jester will be beaten by your good humour. +Jests are not always vulgar, and are allowable with familiar +friends, but never with strangers, and always without personality +or ill feeling.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Ladies.</span>—Some coxcombs pride themselves on their female +acquaintance, and talk freely to their convivial friends of +them. This is a detestable vice, and at once stamps a man as +base and cowardly. Others affect a contempt for women, and +treat them slightingly. Such conduct is at the least unmanly, +and generally springs from a puffed-up conceit. Deference is +due to woman in every station of society, and is a characteristic +of the true gentleman.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Leaving Company.</span>—French leave is the fashion now-a-days +in good society, and we should hope will continue so. +By this method you slip out, shake hands quietly and unobserved +with the host and hostess, and the party goes on undisturbed; +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span>otherwise the movement of one is frequently the +signal for the movement of another, and the party is broken +up prematurely. I have seen, in homely assemblies, a sedate +matron retire to dress, and re-appear with bonnet and shawl on +to shake hands with the whole company. Nothing can be +more vulgar, or detrimental to the life of a party, however +unpretending its character.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Letters.</span>—To answer letters promptly, explicitly, and +briefly, is a duty incumbent on every person receiving one. +I have known persons leave letters for weeks unanswered, +with the consoling remark, “Ah! there’s So-and-so’s letter, +I must answer that in a day or two.” What should we think +if we spoke to a man and did not get a reply for a fortnight, +and yet to delay answering a letter is as unbecoming. In +addressing persons, be particular to assign them their proper +rank, and make no difference in your mode of address, even +if a quarrel takes place, unless the intimacy is formally broken +off, when the “Dear Sir” must relapse into the “Sir” again. +I have once or twice been annoyed by a person who had +always addressed me “Dear Sir,” address me as “Sir,” after +I had had a slight difference. I always knew then I had a +paltry mind to deal with, and acted accordingly. Impertinent +and insolent letters are best not answered. Of all things keep +clear of a paper war; it is a conflict in which the gentleman +is sure to be flogged out of you. Long letters are indulged in +very much by the uncultivated, but brevity in writing is the +rule for a gentleman. Invitations by letter should proceed +from the lady of the house, and replies should be addressed +to her in return. I would recommend adherence to this rule, +even in little invitations to tea passing from one friend to +another. They give wives their proper place and importance, +and that is essential to decorum, comfort, and propriety.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Mourning.</span>—In calling on a friend who is in distress, put +on a little mourning also, or at least go in no flashy attire. If +your correspondent seals his letters with black, <span id="TN1">seal yours to +him with black also</span>.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Mysteriousness.</span>—Never be dark or mysterious. If propriety +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span>does not allow you to say a thing outright, do not allude +to it at all. A gentleman always attends to those old but +excellent mottoes, “Mind your own business,” and “A still +tongue makes a wise head.”</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Punctuality</span> is one of the characteristics of politeness. +He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for +the society of gentlemen, and will soon find himself shut out +from it.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Punning</span> is of late years very much indulged in. It is not +altogether objectionable, but is liable to become so; for +punsters, like mad dogs, when once started, run on till they +are exhausted. Punning, too, is the lowest species of wit, +and unless puns are most happily pointed, and free from all +personal allusion, they are silly and contemptible. If you +pun, do not laugh at your own joke.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Purse-pride</span> is to be seen everywhere, and is always an +evidence of weakness and vulgarity. Make no exhibition of +your means; and if misfortune befal any of your friends, be +still more careful not to display before them your superior +fortune. Many a heart has been rankled by conduct of this +sort, which prevails largely amongst the members of families.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Quarrels</span> are lowering to all the parties engaged in them, +and usually terminate in the discomfiture of those who think +they have the strongest side. If you feel you are in the right +you are not justified in making the right ridiculous.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Ridicule.</span>—To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be +present or absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly +propriety. Your skill may excite laughter, but will not insure +respect.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Religion.</span>—A reverential regard for religious observances, +and religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined +mind. Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to +intrude them on others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith +and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, +except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span>treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject +should never be introduced.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Sulkiness</span> is not often indulged in by grown people, but +we have seen lamentable instances of men, otherwise possessed +of considerable sense, who would sulk for several weeks +together, and during that time refrain from speaking a word to +the most familiar acquaintance, and this, too, for some imaginary +offence, or, if not imaginary, so trifling as to be unworthy +of notice. Such conduct is childish in the extreme; it marks +the first step in the dissolution of the mind, and, if much +indulged, must lead at last to hypochondriasis, or perhaps to +a drivelling and dolorous insanity. The picture of a sulky +man is beyond the region of the pitiful, it is laughable; and +we do laugh, in the same way as we should at the antics of a +melancholy monkey. One who loves silence so much, and +adopts it on such imaginary grounds, deserves to be sent for +ever to Coventry, for in such a one’s society none are safe; +the slightest word may renew the fit, and you are then at his +bidding as a dog would be, to be spoken to and favoured when +he pleases, conscious when you do speak that every word you +utter is fraught with danger to his peace of mind. A morose +man never has many friends, and runs the risk of dying in +old age without even one.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Salutations</span> should be suited to the parties saluted. It +is a point much disputed upon whom the obligation of the +first salute lies, when persons of different age or condition +meet. The best rule is for the younger to salute the senior, +as was the custom with the Romans. In meeting a lady there +is no difficulty; the lady salutes first, or no recognition takes +place. I have often been amazed by being stopped in the +street, and held by the hand by a person of whom I had no +recollection whatever, until he told me he had met me at such +a place some months ago. In such a case a bow is all that is +allowed, and this is always to be returned, whether you +remember the person or not; but to halt, and insist on shaking +hands, and entering upon some complimentary small-talk, is +quite an error, unless the parties are on terms of actual +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span>acquaintance. And here I am reminded of the prevalence, at +the present day, of protracted street salutations. You are +suddenly met by an acquaintance who bears down upon you as +the Chesapeake bore down upon the Shannon. You are seized +as in a vice, and your hand held for several minutes. Then +follow sundry questions about your health, when you saw +Smith last, how Robinson’s wife is, what news is there from +the Crimea, and, lastly, treated to some hackneyed remarks +about the Parliament, or the weather. All this takes up valuable +time, obstructs the causeway, and ends in annoyance. +Why not shake hands heartily but briefly, exchange the compliments +of “Good day,” with mutual inquiries after wives +and families, and then part, each to attend to his own affairs, +and each regarding his own business as too important to be +put to the risk of damage by a quarter of an hour spent in +twaddling on a kerb-stone, while the passers by jolt and +thrust against you, and the vehicles cover you with splashes. +The flabby shake of the hand in which some elderly persons +indulge, holding your digits in a slow oscillation till the palms +are moist, is very horrible, and by no means suggestive of +hearty friendship, but it must be borne patiently, sometimes +out of respect to age. When a person of my own age, however, +treats me to one of these damp embraces, I do not hesitate +to withdraw my hand if I can; and if he holds it too tight, +and will not yield, I pinch him more tightly than he likes, +and continue my grip till he breaks down.</p> + +<p>Salutations should always be hearty, but softened by politeness; +and in shaking hand with a lady, do not grasp the whole +palm, as you do with your bosom friend, but let the fingers +only meet, and be immediately withdrawn.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Slights</span> are easily offered, and not so easily made amends +for. Be careful how you treat sensitive persons, that they +may not think themselves slighted, for no wound goes so deep +as wounded pride.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Small-Talk.</span>—Some persons think the small-talk of society +very worthless and degrading, but so far from this being the +case, it is most useful. You cannot expect persons to utter +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span>profound wisdom every time they speak, and small-talk serves +to render persons in some degree acquainted and sociable +before more important topics arise. Besides, good subjects +arise out of small-talk; and conversation that begins in trifles +frequently ends in matters of high profit.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Secrecy</span> is essential to the polite man or woman, who do +not repeat all they see and hear or know of people; but +affectation of secrecy is a vulgarity, and never begets confidence.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Spite and Revenge</span> are poor instruments, as unchristian +as they are morally degrading. No refined mind indulges in +revengeful feelings. We should be above resenting an injury, +but avoid the society of those who needlessly give offence. +“Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: +for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the +Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he +thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals +of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome +evil with good.”</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Spitting</span> is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every +quarter, in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so +extensively amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit +before he has well cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably a +great pleasure to those accustomed to it, that it must not be +condemned; yet the spitting associated with it detracts very +much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit where +ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is +disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it +could be checked in public by means of law.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Surliness</span> is far from the amiability and gentleness which +true refinement teaches us. There is a vast deal of surliness +to be encountered from puffed-up tradespeople and small professionals, +but it is never the mark of mental polish.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Vanity.</span>—Most of us are too vain; and I fear the gentle +sex must be charged with somewhat of an excess in this particular. +We are not to sneer at the vanity of others, and +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span>endeavour to mortify them therein, but first look to ourselves, +that we are not equally vain in our own particular manner. A +vain display is always an abject thing, and may be dispensed +with profitably.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Vulgarities.</span>—We often have inward promptings of the +vulgarity of our actions; there is a sort of instinctive propriety +in all of us, and whenever we heed these monitions +from within, we are pretty sure to be in the right. If you +have a doubt at any time of the propriety of an action, let +instinct guide you, and you are safe. I have observed that it +is very common for persons to talk very loud when in conversation +with foreigners, as if increase of noise would compensate +for difficulties of mutual understanding. In omnibus +and railway travelling there is a good deal of bawling, treading +on toes, thrusting of elbows into sides, crushing, crowding, +and running to and fro. In the midst of all this confusion +the gentleman, punctual to time, walks with ease to his place, +takes his seat without hurry or noise, and, in securing his own +comfort, regards the comfort of others by a spirit of conciliating +accommodation. The other day, while riding in an +omnibus, I was much annoyed, as were others of the passengers, +by two females (I regret I cannot say <em>ladies</em>), who sat +with heads protruding from the windows, shouting and passing +pleasantries to some acquaintance on the pathway. Rudeness +of any kind on such occasions causes annoyance to all who +witness it.</p> + +<p>Avoid all boastings and exaggerations, backbiting, abuse, +and evil speaking; slang phrases and oaths in conversation; +depreciate no man’s qualities, and accept hospitalities of the +humblest kind in a hearty and appreciative manner; avoid +giving offence, and if you do offend, have the manliness to +apologise; infuse as much elegance as possible into your +thoughts as well as your actions; and as you avoid vulgarities +you will increase the enjoyment of life, and grow in the +respect of others.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Whispering</span> is often indulged in by the young; and my +parting advice to all is, never to whisper, either in the presence +<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</span>or absence of others. What you cannot say plainly do +not say at all; and by never indulging in the practice you +will never give way to it unconsciously in the presence of those +who may think you are whispering of them.</p> + + +<p class="gap"><span class="smcap">Concluding Hints.</span>—Adapt your greetings to the ages +and conditions of persons, but do not lapse into stiffness +on one hand, and excess of freedom on the other. Age +demands respect in all conditions of life, and superiors in +station should have the deference to which they are entitled.</p> + +<p>When offered a seat, or invited to sit to a meal, you are, in +all ordinary cases, bound to accept the invitation without +hesitation. If you find your friend dining, you cannot expect +him to talk to you, unless you join him at his request. If +you refuse, he must finish hastily in order to entertain you.</p> + +<p>In passing narrow ways, such as doorways and the like, +step aside in time for your superior to pass before you; and +if he request you to precede him, you must do so at once. If +you are the superior, it is a graceful action to motion your +companion to take the precedence. No one likes to be the +lag-behind by compulsion.</p> + +<p>In the street, if a person bows to you, you are bound to +return the salutation, even if you do not remember him. You +may remember when he has passed, and bitterly regret the +neglect of courtesy. Ladies should be on the alert while +walking, to give polite obeisance to any friend who may pass, +for in this case the gentleman cannot offer the salute; the onus +rests with the lady whether recognition shall take place +or not.</p> + +<p>At a party, if you wish to tell any visitor that his cab or +other vehicle is waiting for him, you must use the word <em>carriage</em>. +All vehicles are carriages that bring visitors, and no +lady or gentleman wishes it to be advertised to the room that +their <em>cab</em>, or wheelbarrow, is waiting for them.</p> + +<div class="transnote"> +<h2 class="nobreak">Transcriber’s Note</h2> + +<p> +Some inconsistencies in spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation have been +retained. +</p> + +<ul> +<li> +<abbr title="page">p.</abbr> 26: changed “your’s” to “yours” +(<a href="#TN1">seal yours to him with black also</a>) +</li> +</ul> +</div> + +<div style='text-align:center'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/77781-h/images/cover.jpg b/77781-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98e93ad --- /dev/null +++ b/77781-h/images/cover.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c72794 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This book, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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