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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***




                         BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR

                               CORRECTED;

              A Concise Code of Deportment for Both Sexes.

                                   BY
                     AN OBSERVER OF MEN AND THINGS.

    “It is a man’s manners that make his fortune.”--CORNELIUS NEPOS.

                                LONDON:
                GROOMBRIDGE & SONS, 5, PATERNOSTER ROW.

                                 1855.




                             INTRODUCTION.


Books on Etiquette generally confine their attention to the usages
of exclusively fashionable life, and are useful only in forming the
habits of youth, or those who, suddenly elevated to a status higher
than their natural reach, wish to adapt themselves to a kind of
society to which they are more frequently allured by vanity than
sense; for there is nothing more really hollow than the life termed
_par-excellence_ FASHIONABLE. The middle ranks of life are acknowledged
to be most tinctured with virtue, manliness, and religious feeling;
for the vanities of wealth, and the debasements of poverty, are alike
destructive of that uprightness of heart which civilization professes
to insure. Not but that there are many estimable personages to be found
in the highest walks of fashion and distinction; and many, aye, more
than would be believed, who adorn the rugged paths of penury with the
noblest examples of gentleness of manners and moral rectitude. Still,
between these two extremes, what an enormous mass of individuals
we find, who, immured in trade, hurried along in the anxieties of
commercial life, find but few opportunities for the acquisition of the
higher kinds of knowledge, and the refining usages which rob life of
its harshness, and soften the heart in its communion with the world.
Here we find the deficiencies of good-breeding mostly manifested; and
here, too, the most laudable desire prevails for the attainment of
those polishing touches which make us more congenial in our social
intercourse, and which, by giving our better feelings their proper
shape, by moulding our sentiments into elegance of expression, help us
to resist all temptations to petty dealing, and even to check vice by
making it unfashionable. Virtue and religion are not only compatible
with elegance of manners, but are strengthened in their exercise by
them; and every man who is not a misanthropist, every woman who is
not a nun, must feel the necessity of attention to forms and usages,
and to those elegancies of manner which characterize good-nature and
uprightness of heart as much as they do a fashionable education.
Politeness is as essential to the man of business as to the haunter
of gaming-tables and west-end saloons; it is even more so to remove
that reproach against trading influences in which the wealthy so often
indulge. Good feeling is not improved by roughness of manner, nor is
hospitality heightened by a negligent display. Friendship is more
acceptable when its salutations and kindly offices are well-timed;
and religion herself delights to be clothed in vestments of elegance
and purity. Every man must account it a boon to enjoy admission to
the best society, to mingle with those who, by learning, by polite
accomplishments, and by the exercise of philanthropic and moral
feelings, have lifted their lives out of the dull round of days and
hours into a region of social sunshine; and none would willingly mar
the perfection of such circles by carrying boorish manners into their
midst, or destroy his enjoyment by the exhibition of an inaptitude
to elegant society; nay, elegance should go with us to our homes;
we should exercise politeness at the fireside to our wives, our
husbands, our children, and our kindred generally, and not keep our
good-manners exclusively as articles of exhibition to strangers. Many
heart-burnings, many foolish indulgences in temper, many unkind words
and deeds would thus be avoided; and while elegance of manner served
frequently to check us in the pursuit of wrong, it would often prompt
us to the culture of goodness, so long as we maintained that necessary
distinction between the refinement of the heart and the mere outside
show of feigned courtesy. Such hints as are offered here are intended
to help in this direction, and are addressed to such as have not had
the advantage of polite education and example in youth, and who may
have formed their habits under adverse circumstances, and are not too
vain of them to seek for improvement.




                    BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR CORRECTED.


ABSENCE OF MIND.--Chesterfield, in his “Advice to his Son,” justly
characterises an absent man as unfit for business or conversation.
Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs in most cases from a
desire to be thought abstracted in profound contemplations. The world,
however, gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence
when he should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in
this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget that he is
studious when he enters company. I have seen many a man, who would
have made a bright character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve,
remove himself as far from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly,
where social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of
the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and,
what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is
sufficient, and we do hint, that abstractedness of manner should never
be exhibited; the greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles
when it so behoved them.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS are by some considered too trifling for their
attention, but no person desirous of the enjoyments of social life can
spurn them without paying the penalty. Men of business are frequently
denied the leisure necessary to render themselves moderately proficient
in continental languages, music, dancing, and the arts of pleasing.
Yet such things are essential, and add very much to our enjoyments;
they tend to refine the nature, and form links of connection between
persons of all ages, sexes, and dispositions. It is our duty to
encourage everything of a refining nature, so long as we lose in the
pursuit none of the solid excellencies of character; and, by a proper
attention to such things, we insure for ourselves reception in quarters
where we should be obnoxious without them. These acquisitions are
equally important to both sexes, though those of the masculine gender
are most guilty of the blunder of setting them at nought.


AFFECTATION is more prevalent than people care to own. Ladies are
terribly given to this folly. One affects not to know the colour of
money, unless it be pin-money, and then her wits are unusually sharp.
Another is so fashionable in her tastes, that she thinks it elegant
to take no interest in her husband’s affairs; so that whether he
prosper or fail in life seems all the same to her. I know a lady who
has lately adopted the affectation of ignorance--a strange kind of
affectation certainly. If she should hear a remark from a scientific
man, in explanation of some curious natural phenomenon, she will toss
her head aside and, with a benign but unmeaning smile, say, “Indeed!
I don’t understand such things.” We do not seek for blue-stockings,
but really we cannot do without common sense; and the pride of
ignorance, whether it be fashionable or not, must be looked upon as a
blunder of tremendous import. The affectation of superior wisdom is
equally objectionable. If a person tells you something you already
know, you are not to inform him in the middle of his story that you
know it already. It is a mark of a most vulgar mind to parade your
knowledge on any occasion, or seek repute in society as a person of
great attainments. Some ardent young students are apt to interlard
their conversation with scientific terms and explanations, and with
quotations innumerable from out-of-the-way books. Such things are
well enough in moderation; but if not tempered as to time and place,
stamp the individual as conceited. I knew a man who, in every respect
but one, was a model of deportment and sound sense; but in the one
blunder of which he was guilty he managed, on every possible occasion,
to mar the esteem in which he was everywhere held. He was a profound
chemist, and on all subjects ready and well informed, but he introduced
chemistry into his conversation so frequently, and soared to such
etherial heights in his theoretic speculations, that his presence was
at last dreaded. The ladies looked at him in awe, the frivolous young
men jeered and tittered, and he was known at last by the sobriquet
of the “Oxygen Nuisance.” But though few persons carry their conceit
so far as this, too many of us are weak enough to think that what we
especially delight in must prove equally acceptable to all we meet; and
affectation, in this respect, must be guarded against by all who desire
to conduct themselves in society so as to be respected and esteemed.

Affectation of superiority is worse still, because it galls the
feelings of those to whom it is offered. In company with an inferior,
never let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his
confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every way the
same as his most distinguished guest. No reference to business should
be made, and anything in the shape of command avoided. It is very easy
by a look, a word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise
to the other guests, “This is my clerk,” or, “The person I now treat
as a guest was yesterday labouring in my service;” but such a thing
would lower the host more than it would annoy the guest. Before Burns
had arrived at his high popularity, he was once invited by some puffed
up lairds to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of
hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was shown into the
servants’ hall, and left to dine with the menials. After dinner he
was invited to the drawing-room, and, a glass of wine being handed to
him, requested to sing one of his own songs. He immediately gave his
entertainers that thrilling assertion of independence, “A man’s a man
for a’ that,” and left the moment he had finished, his heart embittered
at patronage offered in a manner so insulting to his poverty.

If you take pains to mortify a man, to make him feel that he occupies
an inferior station, that he stands below you in abilities, rank,
or fortune, you offer him an insult, which, though he may be too
much of a gentleman to resent, nevertheless he is sure to feel, and
for which none of your kindnesses are a compensation. An inferior
is even entitled to superior attention, that he may not have even
the fear of being slighted; and, above all things, that he have
sufficient confidence in himself, to mingle freely in conversation.
True politeness consists in making everybody happy about you, and to do
otherwise a proof of an uncultivated nature.


AFFRONTS are to be borne more patiently than we are wont to bear them.
To resent an affront is usually wrong, and for these reasons:--We
are not always sure that an affront was intended, in which case
resentment must be built upon error. We are not to carry in our breasts
remembrance of every wrong, for we know not how many we ourselves
unconsciously commit on others. If we cannot bear with trifling
annoyances we must shun human society altogether, for it is a mixture
of such with gratifications. Nature gives us corn with the chaff on,
and in men she presents us with some paltry characters which we must
tolerate. Besides, to take notice of every trifling annoyance shows too
great a study of trifles, quite apart from the dignified bearing of
gentlemanly conduct. Do not notice every offence, and you will not have
many to trouble you.


BALL ROOM.--Everybody knows it is a blunder to enter a ball room with
the head covered; but everybody does not know that it is equally so to
enter immediately after smoking, when every lady you speak to must put
up with the Stygian fumes of your tainted breath. As to the elegancies
of salutation, address, and so forth, every person who enters a ball
room must be sufficiently prepared beforehand, by having mingled in
genteel society; such things cannot be taught in words. Those who can
dance know all the forms of ball room courtesy; but these are apt to
commit blunders unless they study to please. Those unused to the ball
room should enter it with confidence, seek a partner, and after one
or two dances leave. After leading your partner to a seat leave her,
but not abruptly; if you burden her with your society she may fail in
getting another partner. Young men, who have not had much experience
in polite circles, are sometimes so enamoured of a lady, after one or
two dances, as to continue their companionship throughout the evening.
This is a great error; you seek a partner for the dance only, and not
for companionship and conversation. Do not lounge about the seats as a
looker on, or you will be counted a bore. Should a lady express a wish
not to dance, it is unpolite to press her; and it is equally unpolite
to look after a certain lady as a partner, to haunt her, as it were,
when perhaps she may not have the same desire to dance with you that
you have for her. When a lady has engaged to dance with you, you are
not to afflict her with your society as a matter of course; indeed, to
sit with your partner for any length of time is a mark of ill-breeding.
It is the thorough mingling of persons one with another that
constitutes the charm of the ball room, and cliques and conversations
are to be avoided. Relatives and lovers should associate as little as
possible in the dance; and a man should but seldom, except in very
homely parties, dance with his wife. Greetings in the ball room should
be quietly performed, so as not to attract attention.

Ladies are generally _au fait_ in ball room etiquette; but having once
or twice seen a lady rambling in the room by herself, I will here hint,
for the benefit of my fair readers, that a lady should not leave her
seat to cross the room, or speak to a friend, unless accompanied by a
gentleman. A little observation, and a modest confidence, will enable
any person to acquire ease and elegance in parties where dancing is
going on.


BUTTON-HOLDING.--Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the
button, “for if people are not willing to hear you, you had much better
hold your tongue than them.” Button-holding is not a common vice, but
pointing, nudging, hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving
him a kick of recognition under the table, are too common not to be
noticed here as terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and
gestures are equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who
desire to soar above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by
hearing a friend discourse on some person’s failings or excellencies,
the person referred to being known only to the speaker. It is a bad
rule to talk of persons at all, but more especially if the person
spoken of is not known to all the listeners.


CALLS.--When you call on a friend and do not find him at home, leave
your card, your name will not be sufficient. After having made a
call, it is the duty of your acquaintance to return it; and unless it
be returned (peculiar circumstances being allowed for) you must not
call again, but infer that he wishes to drop your acquaintance. This,
indeed, is a safe mode of breaking off an acquaintance, and this is
the mode adopted in polite society. No one complains, but the thing is
silently dropped. In making morning calls, you are not to stay above
ten or fifteen minutes, and during the whole time you are to keep
your hat in your hand, and not part with it for a moment. This custom
seems ridiculous at first sight, but, like most ceremonies, has a good
meaning in it. By holding your hat you indicate that you are about to
leave, and do not expect an invitation to dinner; while, if your host
wishes you to stay, he will beg you to be relieved of the incumbrance.
It is a ruinous practice to make a call anywhere at the hour of dinner.
You may, perhaps, be invited to sit down, but if the thing be repeated,
your acquaintance will be unwelcome. This would scarcely seem worth
mentioning, but the practice prevails a good deal, and is a blunder to
be guarded against.


CHILDREN.--Almost every parent commits the blunder of making too much
of his children in the presence of visitors. It is very pardonable
in fond mothers, but papas are the most subject to make themselves
ridiculous on this score. Remember the old motto about regarding your
geese as swans, and do not thrust your children on your visitors as
prodigies of beauty, eccentricity, and excellence. The other extreme
is just as bad; and to thrust your children from the room, or to treat
them harshly in the presence of others, makes you look as if you were
ashamed of them. Still, as a rule, children should not be obtruded on
the attention of visitors, or made to exhibit their parts to those who
feel compelled to praise even in spite of disapprobation. My friend
R---- often burdens me with anecdotes of his boy’s roguery, and this in
presence of the boy himself. Whereupon the child, fired with parental
approval, begins to pinch and pummel me, much to my annoyance; though
I can bear this better than I can to hear my friend talk of his son’s
musical predilections, which always lead the youngster to a sham
pianoforte performance with his fingers on the table, or to the humming
of some tune in a tone loud enough to stop all conversation.


CLEANLINESS of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred
person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at
home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling
oneself with the remark, “Nobody will call to-day.” Should somebody
call we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury
to the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we
are unseen.


COMMANDS should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman
requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance,
whatever our station, as to give orders in the “imperative mood,” nor
are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on
any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed
by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should
not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.


CONTROL OF TEMPER.--It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or
angry feeling, though it is indulged in so largely in almost every
circle. The true gentleman does not suffer his countenance to be easily
ruffled; and we only look paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us
into ill-judged expressions of feeling. “He that is soon angry dealeth
foolishly.”


CONVERSATION ranks the highest among social enjoyments. To converse
well requires extensive knowledge, elegance of manner, command of
temper, and a desire to please. He who cannot converse to the profit
of the company, must listen for the profit of himself; though no one
need preserve a stolid silence from excessive bashfulness or conscious
inability. The smallest remark may be well-timed and elegantly uttered;
the lightest observation properly pointed and emphasised, and the most
trivial question put with modesty, grace, and elegance of expression.
Yet, in middle-class society, how little really good conversation do
we hear? How frequently personalities creep in; how one gives way to
undue warmth when his religious and political principles are assailed;
how another jests and puns upon the most serious subjects; or a third
plays the pedant by the use of a string of technicalities, which he
himself scarcely understands, to adorn his shallow learning and his
imperfect judgment. Of that shallow talk in which the fast-going men
of the day indulge--a drawling mixture of the quasi-fashionable and
the idiotic--we do not speak at all, for it is not conversation but
slow prattle, too tinctured with the germs of vice to be childish,
but too silly for the utterance of men. We speak of what bears the
name of conversation amongst the reading and thinking portion of
middle-class society, which is to be heard at social gatherings, at
quiet dinner parties, and by the family tea-table. The conversation in
these quarters is not equal to the personages; they are apt to descend
below themselves for the sake of displaying incipient wit, imperfect
knowledge, execrable powers of criticism, or for the achievement of
some petty conquest in argument. Pity that many good societies should
be marred by unbridled and untamed tongues. Pity that conversation is
not everywhere made a matter of study, that men will not exercise as
much care in speaking their thoughts as they do in writing them.

Among the most glaring social blunders to be noticed under this head
are, talking too much of ourselves. This is a blunder very commonly
committed, and is as much a mark of vanity as want of sense. Really
_great men_ have never said much of themselves, therefore we may
infer, by the converse argument, that he who indulges in talking of
himself must be a really _small man_. In the whole of Shakspere’s plays
and poems you do not gather enough of the poet’s history to settle
definitely the question whether he was lame or not, or even to fix,
with any certainty, his opinions on political and religious subjects.
He who talks much of himself is also apt to tell of the injuries he has
sustained. This is a very common blunder, but a most unpardonable one.
It is undignified to carry our woes about with us, and retail them out
to others, saying how such-a-one has cheated us of money, how another
has offered us an insult, and so on. If you cannot say something
cheerful to your friend, keep at a distance, and let him enjoy at peace
his own cogitations. What are your affairs to other people? keep your
own counsel, and be not too ready to make confidants.

If you are not to talk of yourself freely, so are you not to talk
freely of others. I regret to have to confess here, that scandal, in
some shape or other, is the bane of our English society, and needs as
severe lashing now-a-days as it did when Sheridan wrote his wonderful
comedy. Though when these pages meet the reader’s eye he will perhaps
be unwilling to own it, but I will still insist, that both sexes are
universally addicted to this vice in some form or other; and that it
is sheer vanity, or perhaps even shame, which prompts men to make the
charge of scandal against females, while they repudiate any share in
the guilt themselves. The shapes scandal takes are so numerous, that it
is impossible here to attempt to define them. Let the reader reflect
on this, and ask himself whether he has ever indulged in scandal, even
in a mild form. Let my lady friends, too, ponder awhile, and next time
they find the tongue running away in condemnation of an absent friend,
sister, or brother, or in severe criticism on such and such a person’s
conduct, take the assurance that such conduct is unkind, unfair, mean,
paltry, _ungenteel_. The quiet, half-expressed sneer is still more
detestable, for it is more injurious, more insidious in its operation,
more secret in its manner, and hence more discreditable to the utterer.
A person who indulges in depreciatory remarks, insinuations, sneers,
and the like, no matter though he _thinks_ he has good grounds for
them, is like the viper, which steals noiselessly on its unsuspecting
victim, gives its sting in silence, and disappears. To slander,
in plain terms, is better than to hint and insinuate, but both are
evidences of a mean and contemptible mind.

Contradictions are usually given too abruptly, and sometimes lead to
wrangling, or if not noticed by the parties receiving them, are still
apt to rankle and annoy secretly, and destroy the harmony which ought
to prevail in an assembly of friends. It is equally absurd to make
bets or to strengthen a statement or argument by an offer of a bet in
support of it. Such things are worthy only of the lowest rabble, and
no man making pretensions to the status of a gentleman should descend
to it. Oaths of all kinds are as ungentlemanly as they are wicked; and
the frequent use of the condemnatory oath as verb, adjective, and noun,
both immoral and degrading.

There are some men, of respectable position and pretensions, who are
so barren of general intelligence that they can talk of nothing except
their own business affairs. Such men are very worthless in social
society, and we conjure the reader at all times to steer clear of
conduct which so readily indicates vulgarity and emptiness. A tradesman
will perhaps sit down at your table, and endeavour to entertain you
with an account of sales and purchases; anon comes a thin-minded
solicitor’s clerk, who brings with him a string of appeals and motions;
then an incipient author, who tells you of the immense mass of verses
he has written for the behoof of cheesemongers and trunkmakers; and,
to wind up, a portly widow repeats for the hundredth time the story
of her troubles, her husband’s failure and death, and her present
endeavours to establish a little business in the millinery way. Those
who sit in such a company, and withhold, for decency’s sake, the story
of their own affairs, find that the evening has been utterly wasted,
for not one spark of general intelligence, not one item of general
information, not one coruscation of original humour has illuminated the
dull round of these many wasted hours. I would sooner console myself
with a newspaper, and read the list of bankruptcies and suicides, than
listen to a man who indulged in descriptions of his own skill in trade,
his losses and profits, or the thousand and one trifles which we all
have to consider and remember, but which are of no interest to any but
ourselves.

The affectation of wisdom is a very common vice amongst
pseudo-students. For instance, Mr. Smallweed, who is really a
well-informed man, is so conceited in this respect that he cannot,
when the subject of the conversation affords him opportunity, avoid
interlarding his remarks with technicalities and remote allusions. He
would not speak of finches or whales but under the Cuvierian terms
of _Fringillidæ_ or _Cetacæ_, or refer to the Canadian columbine, or
the field pimpernel, but under their botanical names of _Aquilegia
Canadensis_ or _Anagallis arvensis_. Such terms are neither elegant
nor appropriate in mixed society; and so far from causing the ladies
to look up in astonishment at the profound learning of the speaker--an
effect usually intended and wished for--they are more likely to indulge
in a sly titter, and vote his hard words a bother. This is the “little
learning” which Bacon terms “a dangerous thing” and must be avoided by
those who would cultivate good-breeding, which is always more allied
to simplicity of expression, and transparency of conduct, than to
complicated technicalities, or dark mysterious doings. Another fault
of Mr. Smallweed is, that he never pays proper attention to another
speaker; the music of his own voice is too great a charm for him, and
he thinks it must have a very siren-like tone to others; so he rambles
on till some wag asks him if he has a dictionary with him, when he
drops into sulkiness, looks black, and is quieted for a time. While
upon Mr. Smallweed’s failings, let me refer to his habitual mode of
referring to other persons, for this fault of his is very common to
the civilized specimen of (to use his phrase) the anthropological
animal. For instance, instead of saying, “My friend, Mr. Simpson, told
me so-and-so,” he invariably says, “Simpson told me so-and-so,” or,
“Longman’s are the publishers of So-and-so’s book.” A gentleman never
drops the “Mr.,” or the “Messieurs,” the “Dr.,” the “Professor,” or any
other title or mode of address to which persons are entitled. It is
ungentlemanly to speak of “Bulwer’s last novel,” or “the new edition of
Gill’s Commentary.” We should say, “Sir Edward Lytton Bulwer,” and “Dr.
Gill,” and not abbreviate, as if a respectful mention of a person cost
us more breath than he is worth.

A few short rules for conversation may here be useful; and I offer
them in the fewest words possible, because I think that for those who
wish to cultivate a polite bearing, and conserve the good feeling which
usually accompanies gentlemanly conduct, a hint is alone sufficient.

1. Do not talk too long together, for fear of tiring your hearers,
and so as to afford others an opportunity of talking also. 2. Watch
your listeners to be sure that they are interested, and if they appear
not to be, allow the conversation to take its own shape in some other
channel. 3. If you observe a person about to make a remark, give him
the opportunity by pausing and assuming an attentive and _expectant_
countenance. 4. If you tell stories let them be short, pointed,
appropriate, and without digression. 5. Avoid repetitions and hackneyed
phrases. 6. Use as few gestures as possible; on a Frenchman gestures
and grimaces set very well, because they are natural to the people,
but the English gentleman seldom indulges in pantomime, and never in
mimicry. 7. Exercise your skill as a listener occasionally, and listen
attentively and with appreciation. If you are a listener by nature, and
hence not a talker, do not suffer yourself to become habitually dumb,
or your society will be seldom acceptable. 8. Never anticipate a slow
speaker, and avoid correcting another in his pronunciation. Friends,
on very familiar terms, may correct each other occasionally, but not
in the presence of a third party, and always in a quiet and respectful
manner. 9. Do not give advice unasked. 10. Give a speaker respectful
attention and look him in the face while speaking. 11. Be not too free
in speaking your mind; remember that your mind may not be always right,
and frankness of speech is not to be commended when its conclusions
are built up by unsound reasoning on incorrect data; besides, by plain
speaking you may frequently wound a sensitive person, and one, too,
having quite as noble views of things as yourself. People who pride
themselves on speaking their minds are generally very vain of their
opinions, and forgetful of the old motto as to the good intentions with
which a certain place is said to be paved. 12. Never burden ladies
with arguments. They are very wise in dreading them as they do. 13.
Treat females as becomes them, and indulge none of those vanities, so
prevalent at the present day, of regarding women as inferior beings.
14. Swearing, coarse jokes, indecent anecdotes, slang phrases, and
personal allusions are very common, but not the less unprofitable,
unreasonable, ungentlemanly, low, and reprehensible. Avoid them; they
are the puddles of the mind, in which the more we dabble the more we
are soiled, degraded, and lessened in the esteem both of others and
ourselves.


DINING OUT.--When entering where you are invited to dine make your
obeisance to the lady of the house, and do not consider yourself a
guest until you have seen her. In leading a lady down stairs do not
rush forward and perform the task clumsily. In going down the lady
should have the widest side, supposing the stair to have a wide and
narrow side, as is the case with winding staircases. But it is better
to take the wrong side at once than stand perplexed, or to change sides
after once having given a lady your arm. The rule is for the lady you
take down to sit on your right hand; but when you take down the hostess
you should sit on her right hand--namely, in the seat of honour. Of
course every guest cannot enjoy this privilege, hence, where there
are many invited, the host either assigns her to some favoured guest,
or the most elderly gentleman, or party of highest rank, assumes the
office. It is always better for the host to request some person, whom
he considers his chief guest, to take down the lady of the house. The
other ladies are paired off in the same manner by the host, whose duty
it is to arrange the company so that they may sit in comfort at the
meal. The host himself selects the chief lady visitor, and leads her
off first. The hostess sees all down before leaving, therefore, if you
are to escort her, allow her time to usher her guests away. A stickler
for etiquette, in writing on this subject, says--

“A custom, lately come in, seems to be deservedly gaining ground:
instead of sitting at the top and bottom of the table, the host and
hostess sit opposite each other at the middle; by which means they
are more at ease, more in the centre of their guests, and better able
to communicate with each other. George IV. adopted this practice
twenty years ago: it is followed by the present queen. According to
this arrangement, two persons can be accommodated at each end of the
table--not a bad point where there is limited accommodation.

“A dinner party usually lasts four hours. If you go at six, you may
order your carriage at ten; if at seven, it may come at eleven; and
so on. What dinner hours are by-and-bye to come to I cannot tell. Not
many years ago, dinner at five o’clock was thought mighty genteel;
then we had half-past five; next came six, and six and a-half--both
of which are now general; but seven is also far from uncommon. That
the fashionable dinner hour will be pushed on to eight, to nine, or to
ten, is what we may reasonably expect. When it comes to this pass, will
dinner bound back to its ancient hours, or will it be extinguished as a
formal meal?”

Fashion runs mad occasionally, and it has lately done so in thrusting
the task of carving on ladies. This must be regarded as a blunder we
should hope soon to be corrected. The task of carving is no light
one--it is really a masculine operation, and utterly inappropriate
for the style of ladies’ dresses, manners, and manual weakness. What
fashion insists on, in this respect, common sense must condemn.

You must make yourself as useful as possible at the dinner-table, and
be attentive in supplying the wants of others, especially ladies,
but avoid obtruding your services. Reaching across the table is very
vulgar, as it is also to indulge any peculiarities of appetite, such
as eating condiments with dishes with which they are not usually
accompanied. I knew an elderly gentleman who always insisted on having
mustard with his pastry, so that when his favourite condiment had
been removed it had to be brought back for him, causing considerable
disturbance. Good sense will dictate to a person rather to refrain from
eating a particular dish than disarrange the table in order to gratify
an eccentric whim.

To eat quick, or very slow, are marks of ill-breeding; and to put
your nose in your plate, or emit that peculiar bubbling sound, which
some indulge in when imbibing soup, vulgar and obnoxious. Coughing
and sneezing are not always to be avoided, but much may be done to
conserve elegance and propriety at dinner in checking these and other
infirmities.

It is very painful to see a joint carved ungracefully, but nothing but
practice will enable you to carve well. Novices in life have a great
dread of carving poultry, but it is a less difficult operation than is
usually imagined; and I would advise my readers to practice at home,
and acquire ease in such duties before incurring the responsibility at
a friend’s table. It is better to request some one near you to carve
a fowl than to run the risk of spoiling the bird, and at the same
time bespattering some lady’s dress with the gravy. But guard against
bashfulness in such matters; do with confidence whatever you feel you
can do well, or you will endanger the comfort of yourself and others.


DINING AT HOME.--When you invite several friends to dine with you have
your dinner ready within a short time after the hour named, but not
punctually to a moment, that any who have not arrived may not feel
slighted at your having commenced dinner. Do not invite, at the same
time, persons who are not on terms with each other, though it is a
delicate matter, always, to take into consideration other people’s
differences. Among kindred it is often advisable to pursue an opposite
course--for many a friendship, among relatives, is renewed at another
table, where petty differences are, of course, to be forgotten. Study
the tastes of your guests; and if there is any particular dish which
your visitors will prefer, set it before them, and with the remark,
“I think I noticed you to prefer this or that;” or, “I think you are
partial to so-and-so, I therefore obtained it for you.” If you go out
of your way to humour your friend you are not to be too modest to let
him know it, though you are not to exaggerate your attention, and make
him feel that you burden him with attentions.


DRINKING HEALTHS has happily gone out of fashion. Except in bachelor’s
parties, where a few old-school notions are preserved, it is considered
very unpolite to give toasts and healths.


DISPUTES lead to discord; and a man fond of disputation soon gets
the repute of a quibbler. Objections may be politely taken without
involving the objector in a controversy. The polite man avoids
anything which may lead to a protracted debate.


DRESS.--The hostess should be particularly careful not to outshine her
guests. I have seen many instances where ladies, fond of dress (and
what lady is not fond of dress), and conscious that it is unbecoming to
dress to excess when visitors are invited, yet so unable to restrain
the desire of display, have made the whole of her guests look shabby,
by the contrast of her own gay colours. To dress meanly is a mark of
disrespect to the company, but it is equally so to make a very gay
appearance. If you make a grand display yourself you are apt to appear
as if you wished to parade your appearance, and it is always safer to
be under than over the mark. In going out consider the sort of company
you are likely to meet, and endeavour to assimilate to them as much as
possible--for to make a great display elsewhere is an evidence of bad
taste. But here, if you miss the happy medium, dress above the mark
rather than below it, for you may dress more out of doors than you
may at home. Where dancing is expected to take place no one should go
without new kid gloves; nothing is so revolting as to see one person
in an assembly ungloved, especially where the heat of the room, and
the exercise together, are sure to make the hands redder than usual.
Gentlemen seldom indulge in gaudy or light colours; but quasi-gentlemen
do blaze a little in this way, and carry their character with them
accordingly. The abolition of the white neckcloth is, in my opinion, to
be regretted; still, fashion has declared it shall be used no longer,
and at the most _recherche_ assemblies the gentlemen all wear black
stocks or neckerchiefs.


ECCENTRICITIES should never be indulged away from home. They are rather
the tokens of vanity, than the evidences of peculiar idiosyncracies.
An eccentric man is always dreaded; and though the world has been
indulgent, in this respect, to a few great geniuses, it is usually very
harsh on the matter to ordinary mortals. Besides, no man was ever great
by virtue of his peculiarities, but in spite of them.


EXCESSES.--It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to
excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride
themselves on their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially
in the latter. These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose
them. The man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or
later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, and not even
by them be respected. Guard against excess in all things, as neither
gentlemanly nor human.


ENGAGEMENTS.--Some time ago it was fashionable for parties to
arrive some time after the appointed hour. Fashion now insists on
punctuality--and therein fashion is right. The unpunctual can never lay
claim to gentility.


FAMILIARITY.--Too ready an adoption of familiarity is to be guarded
against; and it is a blunder very frequently made for a person to
consider himself on terms of intimacy with another after one pleasant
conversation with him. You may be delighted with a man the first
time you hear him discourse, but you are not, therefore, to consider
yourself his intimate friend. Eminent literary men, who usually
entertain the company vastly wherever they go, and whose society is
much sought after, are especially apt to be annoyed by the ready
familiarity of persons, of whom they know nothing more than that,
on some previous occasion, they met at dinner. I remember a case in
point:--A person of not very bright parts or fashionable associations,
met for the first time an eminent writer, Mr. C---- D----. Delighted
by his conversation, and assured by his affability, this person got
up a party expressly to invite Mr. C---- D----, and possibly, also,
to display him to his friends as an intimate acquaintance. The other
saw through the trick the moment the invitation arrived, and at once
accepted it. The evening came, then the guests, and lastly Mr. C----
D----. All eyes were fixed on him--he was as attractive as a prize ox.
All ears were attentive, and the happy moment, when he should begin
to talk, waited for with many heart-beatings. But he was too deep for
them; he sat for hours, drank coffee, wine, answered a few questions,
but otherwise spoke not a word. The whole affair was a miserable
failure, and Mr. C---- D---- went away, satisfied, no doubt, in having
inflicted a merited punishment on ill-judged familiarity, and perhaps
resolved to tell the story some day, better than I have done, in one of
his inimitable works.


FAVOURS are to be offered without show of patronage, and accepted
without servile gratitude. Not to acknowledge a favour gracefully is
unpardonable, but to load the donor with sickly gratitude a blunder
most abominable.


FIDGETTING.--Very many people, who have acquired fidgetty ways, carry
them wherever they go to the annoyance of all who meet them. I once
had a visitor who nibbled up a whole bundle of cigar lights in the
course of an evening, and while so engaged with his fingers and teeth,
rubbed a hole with his foot in a new Brussels carpet. Shifting about
in a chair, putting the legs now on the fender, now under the table,
scratching at pimples, biting the lip, &c., are fidgetty actions,
destructive of a polite bearing.


FRIENDSHIP AND ACQUAINTANCE are to be distinguished from each other in
worldly affairs. Acquaintances sometimes become the depositories of
secrets which should be even guardedly told to friends. Be wary how you
treat a mere acquaintance, that you do not place your affairs in his
hands, and on the slightest rupture regret having reposed in him too
much confidence. Acquaintances made at convivial meetings are generally
as hollow as the meetings themselves. Under the temptations of
hospitality men confide in each other more than wisdom would dictate,
and the “evening’s diversions” do not always “bear the morning’s
reflections.”


HOMELY PARTIES.--There is a class of recreation that cannot be too much
praised, and which people, in middle class life, are very apt in making
as nearly perfect as possible. These are Christmas gatherings, birthday
and other feasts, and friendly tea-drinkings, where comfort and
hospitality reign above fashion. Yet, though fashionable arrangements
do not extensively prevail in these, what we hint at, as necessary
in social gatherings of a higher kind, is not to be neglected here.
Politeness of manner, affability of temper, decorum, and proper taste
in dress are things to be considered; for though you are not required
to observe strictly fashionable rules, but to enjoy yourself in body
and mind, much of the comfort depends on the observance of trifles; and
we advise all who love these unpretending entertainments to study their
behaviour as much in these cases as they would for more fashionable
assemblies. Ease should be preferred to starched formality, but
boorishness should not disgrace the familiarity which is offered by the
host, and expected from the guest.


HOSPITALITY goes hand in hand with politeness. When you invite friends
do not treat your own invitation so lightly that it shall appear you do
not value your company. Study to please and to afford enjoyment, and,
in a modest manner, let your guests see that you do study them, and
their pleasure will be enhanced.


HURRY.--A man of sense never exhibits haste. A thing done in a hurry is
not likely to be well done. Some men of business pride themselves on
being always pressed for time, they think it displays activity of mind;
but, on the contrary, it exhibits weakness and vulgar breeding. Ease
of action does not imply sluggishness of mind, nor does undue haste
betoken importance.


IMITATION.--There are few who can resist the tendency of human nature
to imitate. Let one young man of a group take to swearing, and the
rest of his juvenile friends will immediately follow the practice.
I have known the style of conversation, in a complete circle of
acquaintance, to be changed by the peculiarities of one of its members;
impressed with those peculiarities, the rest have set about apeing
him to the best of their poor abilities, and succeeded in making
themselves ridiculous. There is a passage in Shirley Hibberd’s story
of “Cloribel,” which we would offer here as a motto for every sensible
youth, “Be thyself and none other, and we will love thee, whatsoe’er
thou art.” Imitate the perfections, not the vices, the excellencies
rather than the blemishes of a man; but preserve your individuality as
far as you are able.


INTRODUCTIONS should be performed with great grace and judgment. Be
careful, too, whom you introduce; I have seen more than one friend
ruined by an ill-judged introduction. It is a common blunder to
introduce persons in the street. If you meet an acquaintance when
you have a friend on your arm, bow and pass on with a “good day,” or
similar greeting, unless there be special reasons for halting. We only
reprobate street introductions _as a rule_. There are exceptions to
that as to all rules. We have once or twice been mortified by a sudden
introduction on a door-step. Consider time and place. It is necessary,
too, in most cases, to ask permission of a friend before you introduce
him to another; and a lady must be introduced to a gentleman, not a
gentleman to a lady.


INVITATIONS.--The writer from whom we have already quoted, says on this
subject, “When you ask a person to dinner, let it, if possible, be done
a week or ten days in advance; because, to ask a person only a day or
two days before, looks as if you had been disappointed of somebody
else, and had asked him as a mere stop-gap. A short invitation is only
allowable for off-hand parties, or with strangers who are passing
through a town.

“When you invite a person to dinner, or any other party at your house,
specify only one day. Don’t say you will be glad to see him on either
of two days, as Tuesday or Wednesday next. And why? Because this person
may not wish to dine with or visit you at all; and so far from a choice
of days being thought an act of kindness, it may be considered one of
servility, if not rudeness. Always state only one day; and let the
invitation, like the answer, be unequivocal.

“Invitations for several weeks in advance are almost as bad as
invitations for alternate days; because long invitations convey the
impression that the inviter is desperately ill off for guests, and
wishes to insure a number at all risks. The person invited is also apt
to feel that it is not _his_ pleasure or convenience that is consulted;
and to raise a feeling of this kind is anything but consistent with
true politeness.

“The receiver of an invitation has a duty to perform as well as its
giver. It is incumbent on him to say _yes_ or _no_ at once--not
to allow a post or a day to elapse before answering. The reason is
obvious: a delay on his part looks as if he were waiting for a better
invitation before he made up his mind. Not to send a speedy reply,
therefore, is one of the worst pieces of breeding of which a man can
be guilty. It is also not using the inviter well; for a dinner-party
usually consists only of a certain number, and if you cannot accept the
invitation, say so, in order that time may be allowed to invite another
person in your place. Let the answer also be distinct, no uncertainty
is allowable; and if the invitation be accepted, let it be kept.

“The answer to an invitation should be directed to the lady of the
house.”

An invitation may be refused, or you cannot have a will of your own;
but the refusal should be couched in the kindest, briefest, and most
polite terms.


JESTING.--Never make sport of the failings or peculiarities of another.
Such things are common, but none the more admirable. If a joke is
levelled at you, do not suffer your temper to get the worse of you,
but join in the laugh good-temperedly, and the jester will be beaten
by your good humour. Jests are not always vulgar, and are allowable
with familiar friends, but never with strangers, and always without
personality or ill feeling.


LADIES.--Some coxcombs pride themselves on their female acquaintance,
and talk freely to their convivial friends of them. This is a
detestable vice, and at once stamps a man as base and cowardly. Others
affect a contempt for women, and treat them slightingly. Such conduct
is at the least unmanly, and generally springs from a puffed-up
conceit. Deference is due to woman in every station of society, and is
a characteristic of the true gentleman.


LEAVING COMPANY.--French leave is the fashion now-a-days in good
society, and we should hope will continue so. By this method you slip
out, shake hands quietly and unobserved with the host and hostess,
and the party goes on undisturbed; otherwise the movement of one is
frequently the signal for the movement of another, and the party is
broken up prematurely. I have seen, in homely assemblies, a sedate
matron retire to dress, and re-appear with bonnet and shawl on to
shake hands with the whole company. Nothing can be more vulgar, or
detrimental to the life of a party, however unpretending its character.


LETTERS.--To answer letters promptly, explicitly, and briefly, is a
duty incumbent on every person receiving one. I have known persons
leave letters for weeks unanswered, with the consoling remark, “Ah!
there’s So-and-so’s letter, I must answer that in a day or two.” What
should we think if we spoke to a man and did not get a reply for a
fortnight, and yet to delay answering a letter is as unbecoming. In
addressing persons, be particular to assign them their proper rank, and
make no difference in your mode of address, even if a quarrel takes
place, unless the intimacy is formally broken off, when the “Dear Sir”
must relapse into the “Sir” again. I have once or twice been annoyed by
a person who had always addressed me “Dear Sir,” address me as “Sir,”
after I had had a slight difference. I always knew then I had a paltry
mind to deal with, and acted accordingly. Impertinent and insolent
letters are best not answered. Of all things keep clear of a paper
war; it is a conflict in which the gentleman is sure to be flogged out
of you. Long letters are indulged in very much by the uncultivated,
but brevity in writing is the rule for a gentleman. Invitations by
letter should proceed from the lady of the house, and replies should
be addressed to her in return. I would recommend adherence to this
rule, even in little invitations to tea passing from one friend to
another. They give wives their proper place and importance, and that is
essential to decorum, comfort, and propriety.


MOURNING.--In calling on a friend who is in distress, put on a
little mourning also, or at least go in no flashy attire. If your
correspondent seals his letters with black, seal yours to him with
black also.


MYSTERIOUSNESS.--Never be dark or mysterious. If propriety does not
allow you to say a thing outright, do not allude to it at all. A
gentleman always attends to those old but excellent mottoes, “Mind your
own business,” and “A still tongue makes a wise head.”


PUNCTUALITY is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who
does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of
gentlemen, and will soon find himself shut out from it.


PUNNING is of late years very much indulged in. It is not altogether
objectionable, but is liable to become so; for punsters, like mad dogs,
when once started, run on till they are exhausted. Punning, too, is the
lowest species of wit, and unless puns are most happily pointed, and
free from all personal allusion, they are silly and contemptible. If
you pun, do not laugh at your own joke.


PURSE-PRIDE is to be seen everywhere, and is always an evidence of
weakness and vulgarity. Make no exhibition of your means; and if
misfortune befal any of your friends, be still more careful not to
display before them your superior fortune. Many a heart has been
rankled by conduct of this sort, which prevails largely amongst the
members of families.


QUARRELS are lowering to all the parties engaged in them, and usually
terminate in the discomfiture of those who think they have the
strongest side. If you feel you are in the right you are not justified
in making the right ridiculous.


RIDICULE.--To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or
absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your
skill may excite laughter, but will not insure respect.


RELIGION.--A reverential regard for religious observances, and
religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind.
Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to intrude them on
others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious
topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all are prepared
to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies
the subject should never be introduced.


SULKINESS is not often indulged in by grown people, but we have seen
lamentable instances of men, otherwise possessed of considerable sense,
who would sulk for several weeks together, and during that time refrain
from speaking a word to the most familiar acquaintance, and this, too,
for some imaginary offence, or, if not imaginary, so trifling as to be
unworthy of notice. Such conduct is childish in the extreme; it marks
the first step in the dissolution of the mind, and, if much indulged,
must lead at last to hypochondriasis, or perhaps to a drivelling and
dolorous insanity. The picture of a sulky man is beyond the region of
the pitiful, it is laughable; and we do laugh, in the same way as we
should at the antics of a melancholy monkey. One who loves silence so
much, and adopts it on such imaginary grounds, deserves to be sent
for ever to Coventry, for in such a one’s society none are safe; the
slightest word may renew the fit, and you are then at his bidding as a
dog would be, to be spoken to and favoured when he pleases, conscious
when you do speak that every word you utter is fraught with danger to
his peace of mind. A morose man never has many friends, and runs the
risk of dying in old age without even one.


SALUTATIONS should be suited to the parties saluted. It is a point
much disputed upon whom the obligation of the first salute lies, when
persons of different age or condition meet. The best rule is for the
younger to salute the senior, as was the custom with the Romans. In
meeting a lady there is no difficulty; the lady salutes first, or no
recognition takes place. I have often been amazed by being stopped
in the street, and held by the hand by a person of whom I had no
recollection whatever, until he told me he had met me at such a
place some months ago. In such a case a bow is all that is allowed,
and this is always to be returned, whether you remember the person
or not; but to halt, and insist on shaking hands, and entering upon
some complimentary small-talk, is quite an error, unless the parties
are on terms of actual acquaintance. And here I am reminded of the
prevalence, at the present day, of protracted street salutations. You
are suddenly met by an acquaintance who bears down upon you as the
Chesapeake bore down upon the Shannon. You are seized as in a vice,
and your hand held for several minutes. Then follow sundry questions
about your health, when you saw Smith last, how Robinson’s wife is,
what news is there from the Crimea, and, lastly, treated to some
hackneyed remarks about the Parliament, or the weather. All this takes
up valuable time, obstructs the causeway, and ends in annoyance. Why
not shake hands heartily but briefly, exchange the compliments of
“Good day,” with mutual inquiries after wives and families, and then
part, each to attend to his own affairs, and each regarding his own
business as too important to be put to the risk of damage by a quarter
of an hour spent in twaddling on a kerb-stone, while the passers by
jolt and thrust against you, and the vehicles cover you with splashes.
The flabby shake of the hand in which some elderly persons indulge,
holding your digits in a slow oscillation till the palms are moist, is
very horrible, and by no means suggestive of hearty friendship, but
it must be borne patiently, sometimes out of respect to age. When a
person of my own age, however, treats me to one of these damp embraces,
I do not hesitate to withdraw my hand if I can; and if he holds it too
tight, and will not yield, I pinch him more tightly than he likes, and
continue my grip till he breaks down.

Salutations should always be hearty, but softened by politeness; and in
shaking hand with a lady, do not grasp the whole palm, as you do with
your bosom friend, but let the fingers only meet, and be immediately
withdrawn.


SLIGHTS are easily offered, and not so easily made amends for. Be
careful how you treat sensitive persons, that they may not think
themselves slighted, for no wound goes so deep as wounded pride.


SMALL-TALK.--Some persons think the small-talk of society very
worthless and degrading, but so far from this being the case, it is
most useful. You cannot expect persons to utter profound wisdom every
time they speak, and small-talk serves to render persons in some degree
acquainted and sociable before more important topics arise. Besides,
good subjects arise out of small-talk; and conversation that begins in
trifles frequently ends in matters of high profit.


SECRECY is essential to the polite man or woman, who do not repeat all
they see and hear or know of people; but affectation of secrecy is a
vulgarity, and never begets confidence.


SPITE AND REVENGE are poor instruments, as unchristian as they are
morally degrading. No refined mind indulges in revengeful feelings. We
should be above resenting an injury, but avoid the society of those who
needlessly give offence. “Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place
unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith
the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give
him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”


SPITTING is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter,
in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively
amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well
cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably a great pleasure to those
accustomed to it, that it must not be condemned; yet the spitting
associated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined
person will spit where ladies are present, or in any public promenade;
the habit is disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that
it could be checked in public by means of law.


SURLINESS is far from the amiability and gentleness which true
refinement teaches us. There is a vast deal of surliness to be
encountered from puffed-up tradespeople and small professionals, but it
is never the mark of mental polish.


VANITY.--Most of us are too vain; and I fear the gentle sex must be
charged with somewhat of an excess in this particular. We are not to
sneer at the vanity of others, and endeavour to mortify them therein,
but first look to ourselves, that we are not equally vain in our own
particular manner. A vain display is always an abject thing, and may be
dispensed with profitably.


VULGARITIES.--We often have inward promptings of the vulgarity of our
actions; there is a sort of instinctive propriety in all of us, and
whenever we heed these monitions from within, we are pretty sure to be
in the right. If you have a doubt at any time of the propriety of an
action, let instinct guide you, and you are safe. I have observed that
it is very common for persons to talk very loud when in conversation
with foreigners, as if increase of noise would compensate for
difficulties of mutual understanding. In omnibus and railway travelling
there is a good deal of bawling, treading on toes, thrusting of elbows
into sides, crushing, crowding, and running to and fro. In the midst of
all this confusion the gentleman, punctual to time, walks with ease to
his place, takes his seat without hurry or noise, and, in securing his
own comfort, regards the comfort of others by a spirit of conciliating
accommodation. The other day, while riding in an omnibus, I was much
annoyed, as were others of the passengers, by two females (I regret I
cannot say _ladies_), who sat with heads protruding from the windows,
shouting and passing pleasantries to some acquaintance on the pathway.
Rudeness of any kind on such occasions causes annoyance to all who
witness it.

Avoid all boastings and exaggerations, backbiting, abuse, and evil
speaking; slang phrases and oaths in conversation; depreciate no
man’s qualities, and accept hospitalities of the humblest kind in a
hearty and appreciative manner; avoid giving offence, and if you do
offend, have the manliness to apologise; infuse as much elegance as
possible into your thoughts as well as your actions; and as you avoid
vulgarities you will increase the enjoyment of life, and grow in the
respect of others.


WHISPERING is often indulged in by the young; and my parting advice to
all is, never to whisper, either in the presence or absence of others.
What you cannot say plainly do not say at all; and by never indulging
in the practice you will never give way to it unconsciously in the
presence of those who may think you are whispering of them.


CONCLUDING HINTS.--Adapt your greetings to the ages and conditions of
persons, but do not lapse into stiffness on one hand, and excess of
freedom on the other. Age demands respect in all conditions of life,
and superiors in station should have the deference to which they are
entitled.

When offered a seat, or invited to sit to a meal, you are, in all
ordinary cases, bound to accept the invitation without hesitation. If
you find your friend dining, you cannot expect him to talk to you,
unless you join him at his request. If you refuse, he must finish
hastily in order to entertain you.

In passing narrow ways, such as doorways and the like, step aside in
time for your superior to pass before you; and if he request you to
precede him, you must do so at once. If you are the superior, it is a
graceful action to motion your companion to take the precedence. No one
likes to be the lag-behind by compulsion.

In the street, if a person bows to you, you are bound to return the
salutation, even if you do not remember him. You may remember when he
has passed, and bitterly regret the neglect of courtesy. Ladies should
be on the alert while walking, to give polite obeisance to any friend
who may pass, for in this case the gentleman cannot offer the salute;
the onus rests with the lady whether recognition shall take place or
not.

At a party, if you wish to tell any visitor that his cab or other
vehicle is waiting for him, you must use the word _carriage_.
All vehicles are carriages that bring visitors, and no lady or
gentleman wishes it to be advertised to the room that their _cab_, or
wheelbarrow, is waiting for them.




                           Transcriber’s Note


Some inconsistencies in spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation have
been retained.

This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. Small capitals
changed to all capitals.

p. 26: changed “your’s” to “yours” (seal yours to him with black also)


*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 77781 ***