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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Tomlinsoniana
+
+Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2009 [EBook #7736]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TOMLINSONIANA
+
+By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+OR,
+
+THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS
+
+OF THE CELEBRATED
+
+AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON,
+
+PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF -------
+
+ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS,
+
+AND COMPRISING
+
+
+                                   I
+ MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                                   II
+  BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                              INTRODUCTION.
+
+Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
+University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
+Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
+in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
+conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
+Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
+alluded in the latter pages of "Paul Clifford," and which his pupils
+deemed it advisable to hide from--
+
+               "The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,"
+
+his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the
+case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you
+his genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
+light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a
+little black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These
+interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was
+consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
+little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays
+and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom
+of his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured
+from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the
+German press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
+philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would
+confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays
+to the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon
+they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
+
+At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
+hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
+every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
+peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
+may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if
+they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that
+principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its
+detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even
+condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is
+but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+     MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
+     Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
+     every Man may become his own Rogue
+
+     BRACHYLOGIA:
+          On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
+          Emulation
+          Caution against the Scoffers of "Humbug"
+          Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
+          Dum deflnat Amnis
+          Self-Glorifiers
+          Thought on Fortune
+          Wit, and Truth
+          Auto-theology
+          Glorious Constitution
+          Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
+          better than        Ability
+          Common-sense
+          Love, and Writers on Love
+          The Great Entailed
+          The Regeneration of a Knave
+          Style
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                 MAXIMS
+
+                                   ON
+
+                      THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
+
+                     ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
+
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb.
+
+
+                                    I.
+
+Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
+begin with, "It is an acknowledged fact," etc. Sir Robert Filmer was
+a master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that
+great man attempted to cheat! "It is a truth undeniable that there
+cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc.,
+but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in
+nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir
+to Adam!"
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking
+on the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you
+exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
+cheating. "For the love of God, sir, a penny!"
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
+yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of "The Laws of Nature."
+As those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody.
+Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the
+dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, "Here!"
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+Yield to a man's tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
+brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
+opinion.
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
+depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the
+statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even
+the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
+the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
+those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
+ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
+man's virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his
+infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to
+the Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a
+rogue professionally. Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est
+quod idem.--EDITOR.]--"flies that feed on the sore part, and would have
+nothing to live on were the body in health."--[Tatler].
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one
+has a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided
+for this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought,
+misfortunes painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities
+which the atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering
+some affecting sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest
+misfortune you ever had in your life; habit will soon make the
+association of tears and that melancholy remembrance constantly
+felicitous. I knew, my dear pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who
+obtained a charming legacy from an old poet by repeating the bard's
+verses with streaming eyes. "How were you able to weep at will?" asked I
+(I was young then, my pupils). "Je pensois," answered he, "a mon
+pauvre pere, qui est mort." The union of sentiment with the ability of
+swindling made that Frenchman a most fascinating creature!
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
+than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for
+human art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man's
+mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to "the pains taken with his
+education," and "the blessings of civilized society!"
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not,
+decide the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing
+indicates imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, "that the most
+celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins
+his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, 'There is no doubt in
+this book!'"
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
+which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating
+by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then
+grows into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested
+persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its
+captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that
+L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament!
+Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a
+shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with
+"His Royal Highness" at the top, plays the devil with English guineas.
+A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the
+ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture,
+and other public virtues!
+
+
+
+                                   XI.
+
+Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
+successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
+qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. "He possessed," saith the
+biographer, "the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling];
+the most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most
+noble fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
+singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one
+man, and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over
+the mind of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing
+their purses or seducing their actions]." Wherefore, if luck cast you in
+humble life, assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to
+accomplish you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be
+thoroughly versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself
+to be eminent!
+
+
+
+                                   XII.
+
+The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
+nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear
+generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
+pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity
+is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well
+as a Spanish cloak.
+
+
+
+                                  XIII.
+
+When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number
+of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the
+cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference
+that will alone dupe the rest of the world. "That Mr. Lynx is
+satisfied," will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of
+your intentions! Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on
+their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to
+them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their
+lawyer. My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of
+art. He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no
+other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think?--the
+Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
+
+
+
+                                   XIV.
+
+Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour,
+those which cost much. The first,--flattery, attention, answering
+letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you
+intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is worth
+gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving yourself,
+you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence,
+and good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour--a long
+subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue,
+a quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person
+difficult to blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth
+not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains
+for small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more
+_grandeur d'ame!_--[Greatness of soul].
+
+
+
+                                   XV.
+
+Always forgive.
+
+
+
+                                   XVI.
+
+If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may
+once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult
+to get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. The
+components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an
+inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without
+even self--gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human
+ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of
+superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the commonness of
+charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence
+you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty
+and arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
+institutions.
+
+
+
+                                  XVII.
+
+Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
+vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
+moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
+infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
+compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
+felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
+years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
+
+
+
+                                  XVIII.
+
+When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the
+small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express
+myself clearly--take an example. In London there are sharpers who
+advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only
+conferred with. The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to
+see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the
+property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses
+will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas. Let him speak
+confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest
+stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so
+paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the
+matter related to halfpence!
+
+
+
+                                   XIX.
+
+Lord Coke has said: "To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
+it." Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
+in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be
+traced to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow
+tracking it up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say,
+with a smile, "Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your
+ingenuity;" or else look grave, colour up, and say, "I fancy, sir, there
+is no warrant for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!"
+The Devil can quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is
+too!
+
+
+
+                                   XX.
+
+Rochefoucauld has said: "The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
+love of favour." The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any
+man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine
+he possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has
+attacked. Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our
+value for the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge
+is born from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres
+molested, or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is
+hatred for the rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor
+devil who is always railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to be
+bribed!
+
+
+
+                                   XXI.
+
+My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which
+the practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers.
+The heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this
+in the knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of
+life! When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is
+your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same
+time. Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath
+better expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most
+accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the
+murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which,
+doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,--
+
+     "Your eyes drop millstones, where fools' eyes drop tears--
+     I like you, lads!"
+
+Can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
+compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
+dropped those loving words, "I like you, lads!"
+
+
+
+                                  XXII.
+
+As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper
+be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily,
+good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness.
+And good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
+Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
+
+
+
+                                  XXIII.
+
+                       BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
+
+A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a
+knave. What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he
+must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in
+the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of
+human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining;
+he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all
+that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from
+all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed
+into the fool--the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art
+of cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is
+_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and
+the shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the
+glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple
+of mine. I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, "Could it be
+seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!" None but those who
+are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims,
+nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head
+be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter
+with profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple
+of the Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most
+treasured relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
+
+
+
+
+
+                             TEN CHARACTERS.
+
+                                    I.
+
+The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities
+are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of
+firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system
+of thought. A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation
+grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A
+man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never
+given his attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy
+to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open.
+Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and
+put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of
+this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first
+sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have
+one hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually
+ostentatious. A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye
+upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is
+anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to
+know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious
+to repose his selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows
+ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that
+show which wins consideration. At him on this point, my pupils!
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good
+subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
+great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable
+portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against
+these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
+powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of
+himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make
+a man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of
+the delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent
+insensibility in those he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is
+peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he
+exacts in love, as from the world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females
+must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like
+Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped. Mem.--Among
+persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours,
+and peculiarities which are each a handle. No man lives out of the world
+with impunity to the solidity of his own character. Every new outlet to
+the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of
+robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits
+in courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my
+good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all
+his good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he
+finds you out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung.
+Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes
+a tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never
+commit any illegal offence,--aren't there cat's-paws for the
+chestnuts? As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred
+oppressions, which you need not explain to him), and his character
+is especially hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we
+describe into braving the laws of his country. Yes! the bold, generous,
+frank, and affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be
+sure of a halter!
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat
+you, my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the
+stuff from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave
+such a man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools
+when he has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good
+young men!
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the
+ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
+ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not
+by any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the
+thickness of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best
+person to manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful
+women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the
+Delilah.
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier, the
+man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit
+antagonist,--often the successful and conquering rival of Character V.
+You perceive a man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the
+mere butterfly talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see
+at cards to the person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the
+Chesterfield, from the Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is
+difficult to give you an exact notion of the weak points of a character
+so various. But while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider
+him, my attentive pupils, by no means a very difficult character for
+an inferior to dupe. And in this manner you must go about it. Do not
+attempt hypocrisy; he will see through it in an instant. Let him think
+you at once, and at first sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter
+yourself; but let him think you a useful rogue. Serve him well and
+zealously; but own that you do so, because you consider your interest
+involved in this. This reasoning satisfies him; and as men of this
+character are usually generous, he will acknowledge its justice
+by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating you with bountiful
+cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear contented; and
+profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat him), not by his
+failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character, but your time.
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of
+character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more
+common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no
+more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues;
+above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to,
+not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its
+tastes. So will ye cheat it,--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the
+false virtues which it admires itself,--rouge your sentiments highly,
+and let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young men, ye
+will cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial "the
+mirror of chivalry."
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+The plain, sensible, honest man,--a favourable, but not elevated
+specimen of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in
+once, but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he
+must be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part
+of your family. A man of this character is always open, though in a
+moderate and calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always
+do something to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father
+pulled his father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish;
+exert no artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state
+your wish for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions,
+modestly hint at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave
+him alone forever!
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,--how my
+heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan
+for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with
+the sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm
+of youth,--would that the hope could be realized! Here is the very
+incarnation of gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no
+hedgehog ever sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his
+indignation; go to him again and again; only throw yourself on his
+neck and weep. To gull him once is to gull him always; get his first
+shilling, and then calculate what you will do with the rest of his
+fortune. Never desert so good a man for new friends; that would
+be ungrateful in you! And take with you, by the way, my good young
+gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men are like lands; you will get
+more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon the easy than by
+ploughing up new ground in the sterile! Legislators,--wise, good, pious
+men,--the Tom Thumbs of moral science, who make giants first, and
+then kill them,--you think the above lessons villanous. I honour your
+penetration. They are not proofs of my villiany, but of your folly! Look
+over them again, and you will see that they are designed to show that
+while ye are imprisoning, transporting, and hanging thousands every day,
+a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one of those
+lessons which seem to you so heinous, and not one of your laws could
+touch him!
+
+
+
+
+
+                              BRACHYLOGIA;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+          ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS
+
+                         BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON.
+
+     The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the
+     present.  The illness of this great man, which happened while
+     composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest
+     than when in robust health.--Editor's Note.
+
+
+             ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR.
+
+As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to
+pull off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. "A good little boy,"
+says the squire; "there's a ha'penny for you." The good little boy glows
+with pride. That ha'penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes
+our urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,--before church,
+which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off
+than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the
+beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him
+thus: "Be a good boy, Tom, and I'll befriend you. Tread in the steps of
+your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he
+was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station;
+--mind, and do like him!" So perpetual hard labour and plenty of
+cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till
+the day of judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is
+conveyed through a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of
+the people, who call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of
+morals half chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate
+creatures whom they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor
+are always to be praised for,--industry, honesty, and content. The
+first virtue is extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich
+everything they have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota
+of the said everything being taken away again; and the third, because
+content is to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so
+comfortable to the persons who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the
+morality taught by the rich to the poor!
+
+
+
+                                EMULATION.
+
+The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without
+inquiring into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man,
+we are on fire to perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to
+ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to
+commit the actions we admire. Could we discover these, how often might
+we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body, a certain
+peculiarity of constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we
+should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening
+the faculties of our minds,--should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of
+books; nay, on the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather
+than perfect our moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would
+have been a hero had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had
+he never been pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my
+beloved pupils, after reading "Quintus Curtius," twisting each other's
+throat; or, fresh from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope
+of being mutilated into the performance of a second "Lutrin."
+
+
+
+
+                CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF "HUMBUG."
+
+My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily
+increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is
+a fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves
+vehemently opposed to humbug,--fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet
+frank. When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,--they
+are the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand.
+They are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see
+the romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks
+at everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great
+modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in
+religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the
+plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he
+derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,--the
+humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom,
+prejudice, habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and
+the persons we speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by
+habit, too indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity.
+
+
+
+
+                 POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE.
+
+You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of
+magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you
+a great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own
+detriment. Your neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly,
+actuated by self-interest--self-interest--[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong
+here; but his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian
+principles.--EDITOR.]--is so entirely, though every twaddler denies
+it, the axis of the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who
+seems to disregard it. When a man ruins himself, just hear the abuse he
+receives; his neighbours take it as a personal affront!
+
+
+
+
+                            DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS.
+
+One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when
+they retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of
+enjoyment to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the
+great recalls only that public life which has disgusted them. Their
+private life hath slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the
+sorrow or the joy which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet
+impressions of mere domestic vicissitude.
+
+
+
+
+                             SELF-GLORIFIERS.
+
+Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always
+view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house
+the best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a
+miracle--as Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely,
+provide their servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a
+lark might appear as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a
+quartern.
+
+
+
+
+                           THOUGHT ON FORTUNE.
+
+It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like
+the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an
+additional lace upon his liveries.
+
+
+
+
+                              WIT AND TRUTH.
+
+People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being
+at variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world
+are witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying.
+"You assert," observes the Socrates of modern times, "that we have a
+virtual representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!"
+Here the wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the
+egg, where was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken
+egg.
+
+
+
+
+                              AUTO-THEOLOGY.
+
+Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes
+of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man
+dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do
+not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils,
+you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared
+Jove himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his
+own qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God.
+
+
+
+
+                          GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION.
+
+A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give
+him some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In
+the laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws
+by which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain
+justice for nothing!
+
+
+
+
+                    ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT
+                      GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS
+                          BETTER THAN ABILITY.
+
+As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the
+man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the
+fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he
+becomes unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very
+worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,--one on
+medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant's fearful ingenuity could
+afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and
+cure for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool _in se_, and therefore
+the knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it!
+
+
+
+
+                              COMMON-SENSE.
+
+Common-sense,--common-sense,--of all phrases, all catchwords, this is
+often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in especial,
+suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery.
+Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is something
+against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when Galileo
+proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, "Pshaw! common-sense
+will tell you the reverse." Talk to a sensible man for the first time on
+the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will say to it. In
+a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean intellect himself,
+says: "It is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the
+experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense."
+Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less useful in
+the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally
+deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and averse
+to what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to
+reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction.
+
+
+
+
+                        LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE.
+
+My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your
+life, and writing verses about love,--let us say a word on the
+subject. There are two species of love common to all men and to most
+animals,--[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of
+custom]--one springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom.
+Now, neither of these, my dear young friends, is the love that you
+pretend to feel,--the love of lovers. Your passion, having only its
+foundation (and that unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else
+to the imagination. Now, the imagination of the majority is different
+in complexion and degree in every country and in every age; so also, and
+consequently, is the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that
+you sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only
+in proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative
+literature. The love which stalks through the "Arcadia" or "Amadis
+of Gaul" is to the great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly
+ridiculous. Alas! when those works excited enthusiasm, so did the love
+which they describe. The long speeches, the icy compliments, expressed
+the feeling of the day. The love madrigals of the time of Shenstone,
+or the brocade gallantries of the French poets in the last century, any
+woman now would consider hollow or childish, imbecile or artificial.
+Once the songs were natural, and the love seductive. And now, my young
+friends, in the year 1822, in which I write, and shall probably die, the
+love which glitters through Moore, and walks so ambitiously ambiguous
+through the verse of Byron; the love which you consider now so deep and
+so true; the love which tingles through the hearts of your young ladies,
+and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the evening star,--all that love
+too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous to an after age; and the young
+aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which
+ye now think so touching and so sublime will go, my dear boys, where
+Cowley's Mistress and Waller's Sacharissa have gone before,--go with the
+Sapphos and the Chloes, the elegant "charming fairs," and the chivalric
+"most beauteous princesses!" The only love-poetry that stands through
+all time and appeals to all hearts is that which is founded on either
+or both the species of love natural to all men,--the love of the senses,
+and the love of custom. In the latter is included what middle-aged men
+call the rational attachment, the charm of congenial minds, as well
+as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of simple
+kindness, or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would see
+a chair. These, sometimes singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make the
+theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most
+humanly; these yet render Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over
+tender affections; and these, above all, make that irresistible and
+all-touching inspiration which subdues the romantic, the calculating,
+the old, the young, the courtier, the peasant, the poet, the man of
+business, in the glorious love-poetry of Robert Burns.
+
+
+
+
+                           THE GREAT ENTAILED.
+
+The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race
+spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another;
+and the main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most
+general, blunders is this,--the same rule we apply to individual cases
+we will not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse
+is swindling,--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a
+State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called
+by some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself
+"Policy." In consequence of this there is always a battle between those
+who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously
+give them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion
+extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in
+old States, though the world is still agreed that private swindling is
+private swindling, there is the Devil's own difficulty in punishing the
+swindling of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing
+to the art of swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the
+same. Adaptation in private cases is innovation in public; so, without
+repealing old laws, they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but
+more often not. Now, my beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it
+misses a pigeon always kills a crow; if it does not strike the guilty,
+it hits some one else. As every crime creates a law, so in turn every
+law creates a crime; and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils, and
+faults and blunders, till society becomes the organized disorder for
+picking pockets.
+
+
+
+
+                       THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE.
+
+A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming
+a knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not
+hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this
+is the wherefore: "a knave early" soon gets knowledge of the world. One
+vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to
+love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can
+scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even
+his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done
+to man!
+
+
+
+
+                                  STYLE.
+
+Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for
+in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest
+consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must
+pause well before you take up any model of style. On your style often
+depends your own character,--almost always the character given you by
+the world. If you adopt the lofty style,--if you string together noble
+phrases and swelling Sonora,--you have expressed, avowed, a frame of
+mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually
+begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr's style put in
+action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for
+having accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But
+suppose you escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament,
+you escape not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held
+by the vulgar the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of
+his diction; and the admirers of language will always consider Burke a
+nobler spirit than Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How
+many wise sayings have been called jests because they were wittily
+uttered! How many nothings swelled their author into a sage, ay,
+a saint, because they were strung together by the old hypocrite
+nun,--Gravity!
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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