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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Tomlinsoniana
+
+Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2009 [EBook #7736]
+Last Updated: August 28, 2016
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TOMLINSONIANA
+
+By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+OR,
+
+THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS
+
+OF THE CELEBRATED
+
+AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON,
+
+PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF -------
+
+ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS,
+
+AND COMPRISING
+
+
+                                   I
+ MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                                   II
+  BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                              INTRODUCTION.
+
+Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
+University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
+Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
+in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
+conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
+Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
+alluded in the latter pages of “Paul Clifford,” and which his pupils
+deemed it advisable to hide from--
+
+               “The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,”
+
+his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the
+case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you
+his genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
+light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a
+little black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These
+interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was
+consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
+little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays
+and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom
+of his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured
+from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the
+German press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
+philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would
+confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays
+to the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon
+they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
+
+At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
+hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
+every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
+peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
+may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if
+they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that
+principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its
+detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even
+condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is
+but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+     MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
+     Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
+     every Man may become his own Rogue
+
+     BRACHYLOGIA:
+          On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
+          Emulation
+          Caution against the Scoffers of “Humbug”
+           Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
+          Dum deflnat Amnis
+          Self-Glorifiers
+          Thought on Fortune
+          Wit, and Truth
+          Auto-theology
+          Glorious Constitution
+          Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
+          better than        Ability
+          Common-sense
+          Love, and Writers on Love
+          The Great Entailed
+          The Regeneration of a Knave
+          Style
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                 MAXIMS
+
+                                   ON
+
+                      THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
+
+                     ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
+
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb.
+
+
+                                    I.
+
+Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
+begin with, “It is an acknowledged fact,” etc. Sir Robert Filmer was
+a master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that
+great man attempted to cheat! “It is a truth undeniable that there
+cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc.,
+but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in
+nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir
+to Adam!”
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking
+on the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you
+exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
+cheating. “For the love of God, sir, a penny!”
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
+yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of “The Laws of Nature.”
+ As those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody.
+Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the
+dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, “Here!”
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+Yield to a man’s tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
+brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
+opinion.
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
+depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the
+statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even
+the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
+the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
+those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
+ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
+man’s virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his
+infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to
+the Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a
+rogue professionally. Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est
+quod idem.--EDITOR.]--“flies that feed on the sore part, and would have
+nothing to live on were the body in health.”--[Tatler].
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one
+has a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided
+for this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought,
+misfortunes painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities
+which the atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering
+some affecting sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest
+misfortune you ever had in your life; habit will soon make the
+association of tears and that melancholy remembrance constantly
+felicitous. I knew, my dear pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who
+obtained a charming legacy from an old poet by repeating the bard’s
+verses with streaming eyes. “How were you able to weep at will?” asked I
+(I was young then, my pupils). “Je pensois,” answered he, “a mon
+pauvre pere, qui est mort.” The union of sentiment with the ability of
+swindling made that Frenchman a most fascinating creature!
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
+than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for
+human art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man’s
+mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to “the pains taken with his
+education,” and “the blessings of civilized society!”
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not,
+decide the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing
+indicates imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, “that the most
+celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins
+his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, ‘There is no doubt in
+this book!’”
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
+which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating
+by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then
+grows into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested
+persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its
+captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that
+L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament!
+Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a
+shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with
+“His Royal Highness” at the top, plays the devil with English guineas.
+A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the
+ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture,
+and other public virtues!
+
+
+
+                                   XI.
+
+Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
+successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
+qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. “He possessed,” saith the
+biographer, “the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling];
+the most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most
+noble fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
+singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one
+man, and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over
+the mind of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing
+their purses or seducing their actions].” Wherefore, if luck cast you in
+humble life, assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to
+accomplish you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be
+thoroughly versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself
+to be eminent!
+
+
+
+                                   XII.
+
+The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
+nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear
+generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
+pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity
+is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well
+as a Spanish cloak.
+
+
+
+                                  XIII.
+
+When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number
+of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the
+cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference
+that will alone dupe the rest of the world. “That Mr. Lynx is
+satisfied,” will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of
+your intentions! Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on
+their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to
+them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their
+lawyer. My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of
+art. He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no
+other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think?--the
+Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
+
+
+
+                                   XIV.
+
+Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour,
+those which cost much. The first,--flattery, attention, answering
+letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you
+intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is worth
+gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving yourself,
+you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence,
+and good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour--a long
+subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue,
+a quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person
+difficult to blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth
+not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains
+for small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more
+_grandeur d’ame!_--[Greatness of soul].
+
+
+
+                                   XV.
+
+Always forgive.
+
+
+
+                                   XVI.
+
+If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may
+once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult
+to get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. The
+components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an
+inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without
+even self--gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human
+ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of
+superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the commonness of
+charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence
+you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty
+and arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
+institutions.
+
+
+
+                                  XVII.
+
+Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
+vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
+moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
+infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
+compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
+felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
+years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
+
+
+
+                                  XVIII.
+
+When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the
+small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express
+myself clearly--take an example. In London there are sharpers who
+advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only
+conferred with. The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to
+see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the
+property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses
+will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas. Let him speak
+confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest
+stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so
+paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the
+matter related to halfpence!
+
+
+
+                                   XIX.
+
+Lord Coke has said: “To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
+it.” Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
+in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be
+traced to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow
+tracking it up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say,
+with a smile, “Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your
+ingenuity;” or else look grave, colour up, and say, “I fancy, sir, there
+is no warrant for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!”
+ The Devil can quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is
+too!
+
+
+
+                                   XX.
+
+Rochefoucauld has said: “The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
+love of favour.” The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any
+man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine
+he possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has
+attacked. Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our
+value for the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge
+is born from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres
+molested, or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is
+hatred for the rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor
+devil who is always railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to be
+bribed!
+
+
+
+                                   XXI.
+
+My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which
+the practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers.
+The heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this
+in the knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of
+life! When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is
+your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same
+time. Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath
+better expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most
+accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the
+murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which,
+doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,--
+
+     “Your eyes drop millstones, where fools’ eyes drop tears--
+     I like you, lads!”
+
+Can’t you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
+compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
+dropped those loving words, “I like you, lads!”
+
+
+
+                                  XXII.
+
+As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper
+be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily,
+good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness.
+And good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
+Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
+
+
+
+                                  XXIII.
+
+                       BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
+
+A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a
+knave. What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he
+must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in
+the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of
+human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining;
+he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all
+that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from
+all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed
+into the fool--the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art
+of cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is
+_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and
+the shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the
+glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple
+of mine. I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, “Could it be
+seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!” None but those who
+are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims,
+nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head
+be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter
+with profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple
+of the Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most
+treasured relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
+
+
+
+
+
+                             TEN CHARACTERS.
+
+                                    I.
+
+The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities
+are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of
+firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system
+of thought. A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation
+grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A
+man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never
+given his attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy
+to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open.
+Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and
+put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of
+this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first
+sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have
+one hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually
+ostentatious. A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye
+upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is
+anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to
+know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious
+to repose his selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows
+ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that
+show which wins consideration. At him on this point, my pupils!
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good
+subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
+great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable
+portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against
+these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
+powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of
+himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make
+a man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of
+the delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent
+insensibility in those he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is
+peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he
+exacts in love, as from the world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females
+must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like
+Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped. Mem.--Among
+persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours,
+and peculiarities which are each a handle. No man lives out of the world
+with impunity to the solidity of his own character. Every new outlet to
+the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of
+robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits
+in courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my
+good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all
+his good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he
+finds you out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung.
+Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes
+a tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never
+commit any illegal offence,--aren’t there cat’s-paws for the
+chestnuts? As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred
+oppressions, which you need not explain to him), and his character
+is especially hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we
+describe into braving the laws of his country. Yes! the bold, generous,
+frank, and affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be
+sure of a halter!
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat
+you, my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the
+stuff from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave
+such a man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools
+when he has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good
+young men!
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the
+ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
+ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not
+by any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the
+thickness of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best
+person to manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful
+women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the
+Delilah.
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier, the
+man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit
+antagonist,--often the successful and conquering rival of Character V.
+You perceive a man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the
+mere butterfly talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see
+at cards to the person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the
+Chesterfield, from the Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is
+difficult to give you an exact notion of the weak points of a character
+so various. But while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider
+him, my attentive pupils, by no means a very difficult character for
+an inferior to dupe. And in this manner you must go about it. Do not
+attempt hypocrisy; he will see through it in an instant. Let him think
+you at once, and at first sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter
+yourself; but let him think you a useful rogue. Serve him well and
+zealously; but own that you do so, because you consider your interest
+involved in this. This reasoning satisfies him; and as men of this
+character are usually generous, he will acknowledge its justice
+by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating you with bountiful
+cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear contented; and
+profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat him), not by his
+failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character, but your time.
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of
+character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more
+common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no
+more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues;
+above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to,
+not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its
+tastes. So will ye cheat it,--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the
+false virtues which it admires itself,--rouge your sentiments highly,
+and let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young men, ye
+will cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial “the
+mirror of chivalry.”
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+The plain, sensible, honest man,--a favourable, but not elevated
+specimen of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in
+once, but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he
+must be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part
+of your family. A man of this character is always open, though in a
+moderate and calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always
+do something to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father
+pulled his father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish;
+exert no artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state
+your wish for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions,
+modestly hint at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave
+him alone forever!
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,--how my
+heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan
+for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with
+the sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm
+of youth,--would that the hope could be realized! Here is the very
+incarnation of gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no
+hedgehog ever sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his
+indignation; go to him again and again; only throw yourself on his
+neck and weep. To gull him once is to gull him always; get his first
+shilling, and then calculate what you will do with the rest of his
+fortune. Never desert so good a man for new friends; that would
+be ungrateful in you! And take with you, by the way, my good young
+gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men are like lands; you will get
+more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon the easy than by
+ploughing up new ground in the sterile! Legislators,--wise, good, pious
+men,--the Tom Thumbs of moral science, who make giants first, and
+then kill them,--you think the above lessons villanous. I honour your
+penetration. They are not proofs of my villiany, but of your folly! Look
+over them again, and you will see that they are designed to show that
+while ye are imprisoning, transporting, and hanging thousands every day,
+a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one of those
+lessons which seem to you so heinous, and not one of your laws could
+touch him!
+
+
+
+
+
+                              BRACHYLOGIA;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+          ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS
+
+                         BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON.
+
+     The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the
+     present.  The illness of this great man, which happened while
+     composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest
+     than when in robust health.--Editor’s Note.
+
+
+             ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR.
+
+As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to
+pull off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. “A good little boy,”
+ says the squire; “there’s a ha’penny for you.” The good little boy glows
+with pride. That ha’penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes
+our urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,--before church,
+which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off
+than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the
+beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him
+thus: “Be a good boy, Tom, and I’ll befriend you. Tread in the steps of
+your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he
+was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station;
+--mind, and do like him!” So perpetual hard labour and plenty of
+cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till
+the day of judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is
+conveyed through a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of
+the people, who call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of
+morals half chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate
+creatures whom they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor
+are always to be praised for,--industry, honesty, and content. The
+first virtue is extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich
+everything they have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota
+of the said everything being taken away again; and the third, because
+content is to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so
+comfortable to the persons who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the
+morality taught by the rich to the poor!
+
+
+
+                                EMULATION.
+
+The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without
+inquiring into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man,
+we are on fire to perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to
+ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to
+commit the actions we admire. Could we discover these, how often might
+we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body, a certain
+peculiarity of constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we
+should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening
+the faculties of our minds,--should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of
+books; nay, on the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather
+than perfect our moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would
+have been a hero had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had
+he never been pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my
+beloved pupils, after reading “Quintus Curtius,” twisting each other’s
+throat; or, fresh from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope
+of being mutilated into the performance of a second “Lutrin.”
+
+
+
+
+                CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF “HUMBUG.”
+
+My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily
+increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is
+a fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves
+vehemently opposed to humbug,--fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet
+frank. When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,--they
+are the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand.
+They are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see
+the romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks
+at everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great
+modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in
+religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the
+plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he
+derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,--the
+humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom,
+prejudice, habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and
+the persons we speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by
+habit, too indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity.
+
+
+
+
+                 POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE.
+
+You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of
+magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you
+a great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own
+detriment. Your neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly,
+actuated by self-interest--self-interest--[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong
+here; but his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian
+principles.--EDITOR.]--is so entirely, though every twaddler denies
+it, the axis of the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who
+seems to disregard it. When a man ruins himself, just hear the abuse he
+receives; his neighbours take it as a personal affront!
+
+
+
+
+                            DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS.
+
+One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when
+they retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of
+enjoyment to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the
+great recalls only that public life which has disgusted them. Their
+private life hath slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the
+sorrow or the joy which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet
+impressions of mere domestic vicissitude.
+
+
+
+
+                             SELF-GLORIFIERS.
+
+Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always
+view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house
+the best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a
+miracle--as Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely,
+provide their servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a
+lark might appear as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a
+quartern.
+
+
+
+
+                           THOUGHT ON FORTUNE.
+
+It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like
+the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an
+additional lace upon his liveries.
+
+
+
+
+                              WIT AND TRUTH.
+
+People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being
+at variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world
+are witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying.
+“You assert,” observes the Socrates of modern times, “that we have a
+virtual representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!”
+ Here the wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the
+egg, where was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken
+egg.
+
+
+
+
+                              AUTO-THEOLOGY.
+
+Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes
+of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man
+dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do
+not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils,
+you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared
+Jove himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his
+own qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God.
+
+
+
+
+                          GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION.
+
+A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give
+him some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In
+the laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws
+by which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain
+justice for nothing!
+
+
+
+
+                    ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT
+                      GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS
+                          BETTER THAN ABILITY.
+
+As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the
+man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the
+fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he
+becomes unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very
+worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,--one on
+medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant’s fearful ingenuity could
+afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and
+cure for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool _in se_, and therefore
+the knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it!
+
+
+
+
+                              COMMON-SENSE.
+
+Common-sense,--common-sense,--of all phrases, all catchwords, this is
+often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in especial,
+suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery.
+Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is something
+against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when Galileo
+proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, “Pshaw! common-sense
+will tell you the reverse.” Talk to a sensible man for the first time on
+the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will say to it. In
+a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean intellect himself,
+says: “It is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the
+experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense.”
+ Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less useful in
+the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally
+deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and averse
+to what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to
+reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction.
+
+
+
+
+                        LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE.
+
+My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your
+life, and writing verses about love,--let us say a word on the
+subject. There are two species of love common to all men and to most
+animals,--[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of
+custom]--one springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom.
+Now, neither of these, my dear young friends, is the love that you
+pretend to feel,--the love of lovers. Your passion, having only its
+foundation (and that unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else
+to the imagination. Now, the imagination of the majority is different
+in complexion and degree in every country and in every age; so also, and
+consequently, is the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that
+you sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only
+in proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative
+literature. The love which stalks through the “Arcadia” or “Amadis
+of Gaul” is to the great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly
+ridiculous. Alas! when those works excited enthusiasm, so did the love
+which they describe. The long speeches, the icy compliments, expressed
+the feeling of the day. The love madrigals of the time of Shenstone,
+or the brocade gallantries of the French poets in the last century, any
+woman now would consider hollow or childish, imbecile or artificial.
+Once the songs were natural, and the love seductive. And now, my young
+friends, in the year 1822, in which I write, and shall probably die, the
+love which glitters through Moore, and walks so ambitiously ambiguous
+through the verse of Byron; the love which you consider now so deep and
+so true; the love which tingles through the hearts of your young ladies,
+and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the evening star,--all that love
+too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous to an after age; and the young
+aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which
+ye now think so touching and so sublime will go, my dear boys, where
+Cowley’s Mistress and Waller’s Sacharissa have gone before,--go with the
+Sapphos and the Chloes, the elegant “charming fairs,” and the chivalric
+“most beauteous princesses!” The only love-poetry that stands through
+all time and appeals to all hearts is that which is founded on either
+or both the species of love natural to all men,--the love of the senses,
+and the love of custom. In the latter is included what middle-aged men
+call the rational attachment, the charm of congenial minds, as well
+as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of simple
+kindness, or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would see
+a chair. These, sometimes singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make the
+theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most
+humanly; these yet render Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over
+tender affections; and these, above all, make that irresistible and
+all-touching inspiration which subdues the romantic, the calculating,
+the old, the young, the courtier, the peasant, the poet, the man of
+business, in the glorious love-poetry of Robert Burns.
+
+
+
+
+                           THE GREAT ENTAILED.
+
+The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race
+spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another;
+and the main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most
+general, blunders is this,--the same rule we apply to individual cases
+we will not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse
+is swindling,--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a
+State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called
+by some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself
+“Policy.” In consequence of this there is always a battle between those
+who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously
+give them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion
+extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in
+old States, though the world is still agreed that private swindling is
+private swindling, there is the Devil’s own difficulty in punishing the
+swindling of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing
+to the art of swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the
+same. Adaptation in private cases is innovation in public; so, without
+repealing old laws, they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but
+more often not. Now, my beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it
+misses a pigeon always kills a crow; if it does not strike the guilty,
+it hits some one else. As every crime creates a law, so in turn every
+law creates a crime; and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils, and
+faults and blunders, till society becomes the organized disorder for
+picking pockets.
+
+
+
+
+                       THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE.
+
+A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming
+a knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not
+hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this
+is the wherefore: “a knave early” soon gets knowledge of the world. One
+vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to
+love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can
+scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even
+his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done
+to man!
+
+
+
+
+                                  STYLE.
+
+Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for
+in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest
+consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must
+pause well before you take up any model of style. On your style often
+depends your own character,--almost always the character given you by
+the world. If you adopt the lofty style,--if you string together noble
+phrases and swelling Sonora,--you have expressed, avowed, a frame of
+mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually
+begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr’s style put in
+action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for
+having accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But
+suppose you escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament,
+you escape not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held
+by the vulgar the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of
+his diction; and the admirers of language will always consider Burke a
+nobler spirit than Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How
+many wise sayings have been called jests because they were wittily
+uttered! How many nothings swelled their author into a sage, ay,
+a saint, because they were strung together by the old hypocrite
+nun,--Gravity!
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-lytton
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
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+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    pre     { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Tomlinsoniana
+
+Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2009 [EBook #7736]
+Last Updated: August 28, 2016
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      TOMLINSONIANA
+    </h1>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br /> OR, THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS OF THE CELEBRATED AUGUSTUS
+      TOMLINSON, PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;-
+      ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS, AND COMPRISING
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   I
+ MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                                   II
+  BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                              INTRODUCTION.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
+      University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
+      Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
+      in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
+      conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
+      Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
+      alluded in the latter pages of &ldquo;Paul Clifford,&rdquo; and which his pupils
+      deemed it advisable to hide from&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+               &ldquo;The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the case
+      of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you his
+      genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
+      light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a little
+      black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These
+      interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was
+      consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
+      little <i>morceaux</i> of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays
+      and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom of
+      his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured from
+      his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the German
+      press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
+      philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would confer
+      upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to the
+      light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon they
+      appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
+      hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
+      every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
+      peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
+      may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if they
+      contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that principle
+      of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its detection,
+      they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even condemned to
+      that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is but the prelude
+      to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                CONTENTS.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
+     Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
+     every Man may become his own Rogue
+
+     BRACHYLOGIA:
+          On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
+          Emulation
+          Caution against the Scoffers of &ldquo;Humbug&rdquo;
+           Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
+          Dum deflnat Amnis
+          Self-Glorifiers
+          Thought on Fortune
+          Wit, and Truth
+          Auto-theology
+          Glorious Constitution
+          Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
+          better than        Ability
+          Common-sense
+          Love, and Writers on Love
+          The Great Entailed
+          The Regeneration of a Knave
+          Style
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                 MAXIMS
+
+                                   ON
+
+                      THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
+
+                     ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME
+      HIS OWN ROGUE.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                Set a thief to catch a thief.&mdash;-Proverb.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                    I.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
+      begin with, &ldquo;It is an acknowledged fact,&rdquo; etc. Sir Robert Filmer was a
+      master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that great
+      man attempted to cheat! &ldquo;It is a truth undeniable that there cannot be any
+      multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc., but that in the
+      same multitude there is one man amongst them that in nature hath a right
+      to be King of all the rest,&mdash;as being the next heir to Adam!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   II.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking on
+      the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you
+      exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
+      cheating. &ldquo;For the love of God, sir, a penny!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   III.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
+      yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of &ldquo;The Laws of Nature.&rdquo; As
+      those laws are written nowhere,&mdash;[Locke]&mdash;they are known by
+      nobody. Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine
+      as the dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, &ldquo;Here!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   IV.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Yield to a man&rsquo;s tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                    V.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
+      brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
+      opinion.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   VI.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
+      depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the
+      statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even the
+      commoner professions&mdash;the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
+      the wine-merchant&mdash;draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
+      those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
+      ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
+      man&rsquo;s virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his
+      infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to the
+      Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a rogue
+      professionally. Knaves are like critics,&mdash;[Nullum simile est quod
+      idem.&mdash;EDITOR.]&mdash;&ldquo;flies that feed on the sore part, and would
+      have nothing to live on were the body in health.&rdquo;&mdash;[Tatler].
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   VII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,&mdash;one
+      has a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided for
+      this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought, misfortunes
+      painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities which the
+      atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering some affecting
+      sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest misfortune you ever
+      had in your life; habit will soon make the association of tears and that
+      melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous. I knew, my dear pupils, a
+      most intelligent Frenchman, who obtained a charming legacy from an old
+      poet by repeating the bard&rsquo;s verses with streaming eyes. &ldquo;How were you
+      able to weep at will?&rdquo; asked I (I was young then, my pupils). &ldquo;Je
+      pensois,&rdquo; answered he, &ldquo;a mon pauvre pere, qui est mort.&rdquo; The union of
+      sentiment with the ability of swindling made that Frenchman a most
+      fascinating creature!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  VIII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
+      than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for human
+      art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man&rsquo;s mind do not
+      sustain us; it is what he owes to &ldquo;the pains taken with his education,&rdquo;
+       and &ldquo;the blessings of civilized society!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   IX.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not, decide
+      the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing indicates
+      imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, &ldquo;that the most celebrated of
+      charlatans&mdash;[Mahomet]&mdash;and the boldest of tyrants begins his
+      extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, &lsquo;There is no doubt in this
+      book!&rsquo;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                    X.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
+      which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,&mdash;cheating
+      by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then grows
+      into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested persons to
+      fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its captain to make
+      discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that L10,000 should be
+      subscribed&mdash;for what?&mdash;to place him in parliament! Neither of
+      these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a shilling had he
+      asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with &ldquo;His Royal
+      Highness&rdquo; at the top, plays the devil with English guineas. A subscription
+      for individuals may be considered a society for the ostentatious
+      encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture, and other public
+      virtues!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XI.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
+      successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
+      qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. &ldquo;He possessed,&rdquo; saith the
+      biographer, &ldquo;the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling]; the
+      most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most noble
+      fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
+      singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one man,
+      and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over the mind
+      of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing their purses or
+      seducing their actions].&rdquo; Wherefore, if luck cast you in humble life,
+      assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to accomplish you
+      as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be thoroughly versed
+      in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself to be eminent!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
+      nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear
+      generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
+      pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity is
+      not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well as a
+      Spanish cloak.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  XIII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number of
+      persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the cleverest,
+      shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference that will alone
+      dupe the rest of the world. &ldquo;That Mr. Lynx is satisfied,&rdquo; will amply
+      suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of your intentions! Nor are
+      shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on their strength:
+      invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to them in a
+      business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their lawyer. My
+      friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of art. He swindled
+      twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no other trouble than it
+      first cost him to swindle&mdash;whom do you think?&mdash;the Secretary to
+      the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XIV.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Divide your arts into two classes,&mdash;those which cost you little
+      labour, those which cost much. The first,&mdash;flattery, attention,
+      answering letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the
+      man you intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is
+      worth gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving
+      yourself, you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence, and
+      good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour&mdash;a long
+      subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue, a
+      quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person
+      difficult to blind,&mdash;all these never begin except for great ends,
+      worth not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains
+      for small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more <i>grandeur
+      d&rsquo;ame!</i>&mdash;[Greatness of soul].
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XV.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Always forgive.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XVI.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      If a man owe you a sum of money&mdash;pupils though you be of mine, you
+      may once in your lives be so silly as to lend&mdash;and you find it
+      difficult to get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity.
+      The components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an
+      inconvenience because he ought to do it,&mdash;without praise, without
+      even self&mdash;gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up
+      human ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the
+      feeling of superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the
+      commonness of charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world;
+      and hence you will especially note that in proportion as people are
+      haughty and arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
+      institutions.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  XVII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
+      vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
+      moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
+      infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
+      compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
+      felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
+      years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  XVIII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the small
+      sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express myself
+      clearly&mdash;take an example. In London there are sharpers who advertise
+      L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only conferred with.
+      The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to see the
+      advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the property
+      on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses will cost
+      him a mere trifle,&mdash;say, twenty guineas. Let him speak confidently;
+      let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest stated, and
+      three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,&mdash;so paltry a
+      sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the matter
+      related to halfpence!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XIX.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Lord Coke has said: &ldquo;To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
+      it.&rdquo; Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
+      in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be traced
+      to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow tracking it
+      up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say, with a smile,
+      &ldquo;Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,&mdash;I admire your ingenuity;&rdquo; or
+      else look grave, colour up, and say, &ldquo;I fancy, sir, there is no warrant
+      for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!&rdquo; The Devil can
+      quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is too!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XX.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Rochefoucauld has said: &ldquo;The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
+      love of favour.&rdquo; The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any man
+      is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he
+      possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has attacked.
+      Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our value for
+      the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge is born
+      from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres molested,
+      or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is hatred for the
+      rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor devil who is always
+      railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to be bribed!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   XXI.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the
+      practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers. The
+      heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this in the
+      knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of life! When
+      you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is your own fault
+      if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time. Note how
+      Shakspeare (whom study night and day,&mdash;no man hath better expounded
+      the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most accomplished
+      villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the murderers, with a
+      jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which, doubtless, those
+      poor fellows most piqued themselves,&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;Your eyes drop millstones, where fools&rsquo; eyes drop tears&mdash;
+     I like you, lads!&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Can&rsquo;t you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
+      compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
+      dropped those loving words, &ldquo;I like you, lads!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  XXII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper be
+      that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily,
+      good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness. And
+      good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
+      Florimel of flesh,&mdash;an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  XXIII.
+
+                       BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a knave.
+      What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he must
+      suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in the
+      acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?&mdash;the discovery of
+      human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining; he
+      knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all that
+      terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from all:
+      for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave&mdash;he hath passed into
+      the fool&mdash;the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art of
+      cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is <i>teres
+      et rotundas</i>; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and the
+      shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the glory of
+      his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple of mine. I
+      hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, &ldquo;Could it be seen
+      incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!&rdquo; None but those who are
+      inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims, nor
+      (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head be
+      uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter with
+      profit upon the following descriptions of character,&mdash;that Temple of
+      the Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most treasured
+      relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                             TEN CHARACTERS.
+
+                                    I.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities are
+      accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of firmness
+      evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system of thought.
+      A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation grows wedded to
+      one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A man universally
+      irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never given his
+      attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy to cheat, my
+      beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open. Indolence is
+      dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and put a question
+      to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   II.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of
+      this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first sight
+      seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have one hope,&mdash;I
+      have rarely found it deceive me,&mdash;this man is usually ostentatious. A
+      cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye upon others; he
+      notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is anxious to learn
+      their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to know what the
+      world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious to repose his
+      selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows ostentatious, likes that
+      effect which is favourably talked of, and that show which wins
+      consideration. At him on this point, my pupils!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   III.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good
+      subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
+      great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable
+      portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,&mdash;against
+      these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
+      powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of
+      himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make a
+      man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of the delicacy
+      of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent insensibility in those
+      he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is peculiarly flattered, too,
+      on the score of devotion and affection; he exacts in love, as from the
+      world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females must be Medoras; and even his
+      male friends should be extremely like Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily
+      he can be duped. Mem.&mdash;Among persons of this character are usually
+      found those oddities, humours, and peculiarities which are each a handle.
+      No man lives out of the world with impunity to the solidity of his own
+      character. Every new outlet to the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   IV.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,&mdash;usually a person of
+      robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits in
+      courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my good
+      young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all his
+      good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he finds you
+      out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung. Mem.&mdash;A
+      good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes a tolerable
+      traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never commit any
+      illegal offence,&mdash;aren&rsquo;t there cat&rsquo;s-paws for the chestnuts? As all
+      laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred oppressions, which
+      you need not explain to him), and his character is especially hostile to
+      oppression, you easily seduce the person we describe into braving the laws
+      of his country. Yes! the bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man has
+      only to be born in humble life to be sure of a halter!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                    V.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat you,
+      my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the stuff
+      from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave such a
+      man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools when he
+      has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good young men!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   VI.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,&mdash;the
+      ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
+      ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not by
+      any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the thickness
+      of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best person to
+      manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful women; their
+      very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the Delilah.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   VII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,&mdash;the courtier, the
+      man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit antagonist,&mdash;often
+      the successful and conquering rival of Character V. You perceive a man
+      like this varies so greatly in intellect&mdash;from the mere butterfly
+      talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see at cards to the
+      person you see in Cabinets, from the &mdash;&mdash;- to the Chesterfield,
+      from the Chesterfield to the Pericles&mdash;that it is difficult to give
+      you an exact notion of the weak points of a character so various. But
+      while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider him, my attentive
+      pupils, by no means a very difficult character for an inferior to dupe.
+      And in this manner you must go about it. Do not attempt hypocrisy; he will
+      see through it in an instant. Let him think you at once, and at first
+      sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter yourself; but let him think you a
+      useful rogue. Serve him well and zealously; but own that you do so,
+      because you consider your interest involved in this. This reasoning
+      satisfies him; and as men of this character are usually generous, he will
+      acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating
+      you with bountiful cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear
+      contented; and profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat
+      him), not by his failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character,
+      but your time.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  VIII.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of
+      character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more
+      common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no
+      more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues;
+      above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to,
+      not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its
+      tastes. So will ye cheat it,&mdash;or ye will cheat it also by affecting
+      the false virtues which it admires itself,&mdash;rouge your sentiments
+      highly, and let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young
+      men, ye will cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial
+      &ldquo;the mirror of chivalry.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                   IX.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The plain, sensible, honest man,&mdash;a favourable, but not elevated
+      specimen of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in
+      once, but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he
+      must be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part of
+      your family. A man of this character is always open, though in a moderate
+      and calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always do
+      something to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father pulled
+      his father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish; exert no
+      artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state your wish
+      for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions, modestly hint
+      at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave him alone
+      forever!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                    X.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,&mdash;how
+      my heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan
+      for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with the
+      sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm of youth,&mdash;would
+      that the hope could be realized! Here is the very incarnation of
+      gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no hedgehog ever
+      sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his indignation; go to
+      him again and again; only throw yourself on his neck and weep. To gull him
+      once is to gull him always; get his first shilling, and then calculate
+      what you will do with the rest of his fortune. Never desert so good a man
+      for new friends; that would be ungrateful in you! And take with you, by
+      the way, my good young gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men are like
+      lands; you will get more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon
+      the easy than by ploughing up new ground in the sterile! Legislators,&mdash;wise,
+      good, pious men,&mdash;the Tom Thumbs of moral science, who make giants
+      first, and then kill them,&mdash;you think the above lessons villanous. I
+      honour your penetration. They are not proofs of my villiany, but of your
+      folly! Look over them again, and you will see that they are designed to
+      show that while ye are imprisoning, transporting, and hanging thousands
+      every day, a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one
+      of those lessons which seem to you so heinous, and not one of your laws
+      could touch him!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                              BRACHYLOGIA;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+          ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS
+
+                         BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON.
+
+     The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the
+     present.  The illness of this great man, which happened while
+     composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest
+     than when in robust health.&mdash;Editor&rsquo;s Note.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+             ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to pull
+      off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. &ldquo;A good little boy,&rdquo; says
+      the squire; &ldquo;there&rsquo;s a ha&rsquo;penny for you.&rdquo; The good little boy glows with
+      pride. That ha&rsquo;penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes our
+      urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,&mdash;before church,
+      which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off
+      than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the
+      beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him
+      thus: &ldquo;Be a good boy, Tom, and I&rsquo;ll befriend you. Tread in the steps of
+      your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he
+      was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station;
+      &mdash;mind, and do like him!&rdquo; So perpetual hard labour and plenty of
+      cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till the
+      day of judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is conveyed
+      through a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of the
+      people, who call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of
+      morals half chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate
+      creatures whom they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor
+      are always to be praised for,&mdash;industry, honesty, and content. The
+      first virtue is extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich
+      everything they have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota of the
+      said everything being taken away again; and the third, because content is
+      to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so comfortable to
+      the persons who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the morality taught by
+      the rich to the poor!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                EMULATION.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without inquiring
+      into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man, we are on fire to
+      perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to ascertain the precise
+      qualities which enabled the man we imitate to commit the actions we
+      admire. Could we discover these, how often might we discover that their
+      origin was a certain temper of body, a certain peculiarity of
+      constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we should be
+      examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening the faculties of
+      our minds,&mdash;should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of books; nay, on
+      the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather than perfect our
+      moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would have been a hero
+      had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had he never been
+      pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my beloved pupils,
+      after reading &ldquo;Quintus Curtius,&rdquo; twisting each other&rsquo;s throat; or, fresh
+      from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope of being mutilated
+      into the performance of a second &ldquo;Lutrin.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF &ldquo;HUMBUG.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily
+      increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is a
+      fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves vehemently
+      opposed to humbug,&mdash;fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet frank.
+      When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,&mdash;they are
+      the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand. They
+      are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see the
+      romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks at
+      everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great
+      modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in
+      religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the
+      plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he
+      derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,&mdash;the
+      humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom, prejudice,
+      habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and the persons we
+      speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by habit, too
+      indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                 POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of
+      magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you a great
+      deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own detriment. Your
+      neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly, actuated by
+      self-interest&mdash;self-interest&mdash;[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong here; but
+      his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian principles.&mdash;EDITOR.]&mdash;is
+      so entirely, though every twaddler denies it, the axis of the moral world&mdash;that
+      they fly into a rage with him who seems to disregard it. When a man ruins
+      himself, just hear the abuse he receives; his neighbours take it as a
+      personal affront!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                            DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when they
+      retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of enjoyment
+      to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the great recalls
+      only that public life which has disgusted them. Their private life hath
+      slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the sorrow or the joy
+      which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet impressions of mere
+      domestic vicissitude.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                             SELF-GLORIFIERS.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons&mdash;who always
+      view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house the
+      best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a miracle&mdash;as
+      Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely, provide their
+      servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a lark might appear
+      as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                           THOUGHT ON FORTUNE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like the
+      lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an additional
+      lace upon his liveries.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                              WIT AND TRUTH.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being at
+      variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world are
+      witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying. &ldquo;You
+      assert,&rdquo; observes the Socrates of modern times, &ldquo;that we have a virtual
+      representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!&rdquo; Here the
+      wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the egg, where
+      was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken egg.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                              AUTO-THEOLOGY.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes
+      of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man
+      dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do
+      not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils,
+      you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared Jove
+      himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his own
+      qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                          GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give him
+      some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In the
+      laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws by
+      which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain justice
+      for nothing!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                    ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT
+                      GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS
+                          BETTER THAN ABILITY.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the
+      man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the
+      fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he becomes
+      unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very worst and
+      most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,&mdash;one on
+      medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant&rsquo;s fearful ingenuity could
+      afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and cure
+      for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool <i>in se</i>, and therefore
+      the knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                              COMMON-SENSE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Common-sense,&mdash;common-sense,&mdash;of all phrases, all catchwords,
+      this is often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in
+      especial, suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to
+      discovery. Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is
+      something against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when
+      Galileo proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, &ldquo;Pshaw!
+      common-sense will tell you the reverse.&rdquo; Talk to a sensible man for the
+      first time on the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will
+      say to it. In a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean
+      intellect himself, says: &ldquo;It is a pity the chancellor should set his
+      opinion against the experience of so many centuries and the dictates of
+      common-sense.&rdquo; Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less
+      useful in the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been
+      generally deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and
+      averse to what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals
+      to reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                        LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your
+      life, and writing verses about love,&mdash;let us say a word on the
+      subject. There are two species of love common to all men and to most
+      animals,&mdash;[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of
+      custom]&mdash;one springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom.
+      Now, neither of these, my dear young friends, is the love that you pretend
+      to feel,&mdash;the love of lovers. Your passion, having only its
+      foundation (and that unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else
+      to the imagination. Now, the imagination of the majority is different in
+      complexion and degree in every country and in every age; so also, and
+      consequently, is the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that you
+      sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only in
+      proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative literature.
+      The love which stalks through the &ldquo;Arcadia&rdquo; or &ldquo;Amadis of Gaul&rdquo; is to the
+      great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly ridiculous. Alas! when
+      those works excited enthusiasm, so did the love which they describe. The
+      long speeches, the icy compliments, expressed the feeling of the day. The
+      love madrigals of the time of Shenstone, or the brocade gallantries of the
+      French poets in the last century, any woman now would consider hollow or
+      childish, imbecile or artificial. Once the songs were natural, and the
+      love seductive. And now, my young friends, in the year 1822, in which I
+      write, and shall probably die, the love which glitters through Moore, and
+      walks so ambitiously ambiguous through the verse of Byron; the love which
+      you consider now so deep and so true; the love which tingles through the
+      hearts of your young ladies, and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the
+      evening star,&mdash;all that love too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous
+      to an after age; and the young aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the
+      vague fiddle-de-dees which ye now think so touching and so sublime will
+      go, my dear boys, where Cowley&rsquo;s Mistress and Waller&rsquo;s Sacharissa have
+      gone before,&mdash;go with the Sapphos and the Chloes, the elegant
+      &ldquo;charming fairs,&rdquo; and the chivalric &ldquo;most beauteous princesses!&rdquo; The only
+      love-poetry that stands through all time and appeals to all hearts is that
+      which is founded on either or both the species of love natural to all men,&mdash;the
+      love of the senses, and the love of custom. In the latter is included what
+      middle-aged men call the rational attachment, the charm of congenial
+      minds, as well as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of
+      simple kindness, or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would
+      see a chair. These, sometimes singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make
+      the theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most
+      humanly; these yet render Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over tender
+      affections; and these, above all, make that irresistible and all-touching
+      inspiration which subdues the romantic, the calculating, the old, the
+      young, the courtier, the peasant, the poet, the man of business, in the
+      glorious love-poetry of Robert Burns.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                           THE GREAT ENTAILED.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race spend
+      their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another; and the
+      main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most general,
+      blunders is this,&mdash;the same rule we apply to individual cases we will
+      not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse is
+      swindling,&mdash;they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a
+      State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called by
+      some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself
+      &ldquo;Policy.&rdquo; In consequence of this there is always a battle between those
+      who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously give
+      them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion extends
+      very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in old States,
+      though the world is still agreed that private swindling is private
+      swindling, there is the Devil&rsquo;s own difficulty in punishing the swindling
+      of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing to the art of
+      swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the same. Adaptation in
+      private cases is innovation in public; so, without repealing old laws,
+      they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but more often not. Now, my
+      beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it misses a pigeon always kills a
+      crow; if it does not strike the guilty, it hits some one else. As every
+      crime creates a law, so in turn every law creates a crime; and hence we go
+      on multiplying sins and evils, and faults and blunders, till society
+      becomes the organized disorder for picking pockets.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                       THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming a
+      knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not
+      hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this
+      is the wherefore: &ldquo;a knave early&rdquo; soon gets knowledge of the world. One
+      vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to
+      love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can
+      scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even
+      his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done to
+      man!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                  STYLE.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for
+      in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest
+      consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must pause
+      well before you take up any model of style. On your style often depends
+      your own character,&mdash;almost always the character given you by the
+      world. If you adopt the lofty style,&mdash;if you string together noble
+      phrases and swelling Sonora,&mdash;you have expressed, avowed, a frame of
+      mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually
+      begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr&rsquo;s style put in
+      action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for having
+      accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But suppose you
+      escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament, you escape
+      not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held by the vulgar
+      the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of his diction; and
+      the admirers of language will always consider Burke a nobler spirit than
+      Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How many wise sayings have
+      been called jests because they were wittily uttered! How many nothings
+      swelled their author into a sage, ay, a saint, because they were strung
+      together by the old hypocrite nun,&mdash;Gravity!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      THE END. <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Tomlinsoniana
+
+Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2009 [EBook #7736]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Sherman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TOMLINSONIANA
+
+By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+OR,
+
+THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS
+
+OF THE CELEBRATED
+
+AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON,
+
+PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF -------
+
+ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS,
+
+AND COMPRISING
+
+
+                                   I
+ MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                                   II
+  BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                              INTRODUCTION.
+
+Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
+University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
+Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
+in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
+conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
+Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
+alluded in the latter pages of "Paul Clifford," and which his pupils
+deemed it advisable to hide from--
+
+               "The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,"
+
+his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the
+case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you
+his genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
+light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a
+little black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These
+interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was
+consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
+little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays
+and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom
+of his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured
+from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the
+German press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
+philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would
+confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays
+to the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon
+they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
+
+At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
+hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
+every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
+peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
+may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if
+they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that
+principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its
+detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even
+condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is
+but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+     MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
+     Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
+     every Man may become his own Rogue
+
+     BRACHYLOGIA:
+          On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
+          Emulation
+          Caution against the Scoffers of "Humbug"
+          Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
+          Dum deflnat Amnis
+          Self-Glorifiers
+          Thought on Fortune
+          Wit, and Truth
+          Auto-theology
+          Glorious Constitution
+          Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
+          better than        Ability
+          Common-sense
+          Love, and Writers on Love
+          The Great Entailed
+          The Regeneration of a Knave
+          Style
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                 MAXIMS
+
+                                   ON
+
+                      THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
+
+                     ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
+
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY
+BECOME                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb.
+
+
+                                    I.
+
+Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
+begin with, "It is an acknowledged fact," etc. Sir Robert Filmer was
+a master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that
+great man attempted to cheat! "It is a truth undeniable that there
+cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc.,
+but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in
+nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir
+to Adam!"
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking
+on the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you
+exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
+cheating. "For the love of God, sir, a penny!"
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
+yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of "The Laws of Nature."
+As those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody.
+Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the
+dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, "Here!"
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+Yield to a man's tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
+brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
+opinion.
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
+depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the
+statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even
+the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
+the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
+those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
+ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
+man's virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his
+infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to
+the Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a
+rogue professionally. Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est
+quod idem.--EDITOR.]--"flies that feed on the sore part, and would have
+nothing to live on were the body in health."--[Tatler].
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one
+has a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided
+for this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought,
+misfortunes painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities
+which the atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering
+some affecting sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest
+misfortune you ever had in your life; habit will soon make the
+association of tears and that melancholy remembrance constantly
+felicitous. I knew, my dear pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who
+obtained a charming legacy from an old poet by repeating the bard's
+verses with streaming eyes. "How were you able to weep at will?" asked I
+(I was young then, my pupils). "Je pensois," answered he, "a mon
+pauvre pere, qui est mort." The union of sentiment with the ability of
+swindling made that Frenchman a most fascinating creature!
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
+than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for
+human art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man's
+mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to "the pains taken with his
+education," and "the blessings of civilized society!"
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not,
+decide the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing
+indicates imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, "that the most
+celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins
+his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, 'There is no doubt in
+this book!'"
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
+which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating
+by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then
+grows into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested
+persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its
+captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that
+L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament!
+Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a
+shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with
+"His Royal Highness" at the top, plays the devil with English guineas.
+A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the
+ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture,
+and other public virtues!
+
+
+
+                                   XI.
+
+Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
+successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
+qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. "He possessed," saith the
+biographer, "the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling];
+the most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most
+noble fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
+singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one
+man, and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over
+the mind of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing
+their purses or seducing their actions]." Wherefore, if luck cast you in
+humble life, assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to
+accomplish you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be
+thoroughly versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself
+to be eminent!
+
+
+
+                                   XII.
+
+The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
+nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear
+generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
+pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity
+is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well
+as a Spanish cloak.
+
+
+
+                                  XIII.
+
+When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number
+of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the
+cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference
+that will alone dupe the rest of the world. "That Mr. Lynx is
+satisfied," will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of
+your intentions! Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on
+their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to
+them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their
+lawyer. My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of
+art. He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no
+other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think?--the
+Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
+
+
+
+                                   XIV.
+
+Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour,
+those which cost much. The first,--flattery, attention, answering
+letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you
+intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is worth
+gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving yourself,
+you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence,
+and good-nature. But the arts which cost you much labour--a long
+subservience to one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue,
+a quality, or a branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person
+difficult to blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth
+not only the loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains
+for small gains is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more
+_grandeur d'ame!_--[Greatness of soul].
+
+
+
+                                   XV.
+
+Always forgive.
+
+
+
+                                   XVI.
+
+If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may
+once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult
+to get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. The
+components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an
+inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without
+even self--gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human
+ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of
+superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the commonness of
+charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence
+you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty
+and arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
+institutions.
+
+
+
+                                  XVII.
+
+Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
+vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
+moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
+infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
+compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
+felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
+years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
+
+
+
+                                  XVIII.
+
+When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the
+small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express
+myself clearly--take an example. In London there are sharpers who
+advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only
+conferred with. The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to
+see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the
+property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses
+will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas. Let him speak
+confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest
+stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so
+paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the
+matter related to halfpence!
+
+
+
+                                   XIX.
+
+Lord Coke has said: "To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
+it." Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
+in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be
+traced to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow
+tracking it up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say,
+with a smile, "Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your
+ingenuity;" or else look grave, colour up, and say, "I fancy, sir, there
+is no warrant for this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!"
+The Devil can quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is
+too!
+
+
+
+                                   XX.
+
+Rochefoucauld has said: "The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
+love of favour." The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any
+man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine
+he possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has
+attacked. Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our
+value for the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge
+is born from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres
+molested, or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is
+hatred for the rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor
+devil who is always railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to be
+bribed!
+
+
+
+                                   XXI.
+
+My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which
+the practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers.
+The heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this
+in the knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of
+life! When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is
+your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same
+time. Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath
+better expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most
+accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the
+murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which,
+doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,--
+
+     "Your eyes drop millstones, where fools' eyes drop tears--
+     I like you, lads!"
+
+Can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
+compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
+dropped those loving words, "I like you, lads!"
+
+
+
+                                  XXII.
+
+As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper
+be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily,
+good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness.
+And good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
+Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
+
+
+
+                                  XXIII.
+
+                       BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
+
+A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a
+knave. What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he
+must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in
+the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of
+human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining;
+he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all
+that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from
+all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed
+into the fool--the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art
+of cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is
+_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and
+the shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the
+glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple
+of mine. I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, "Could it be
+seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!" None but those who
+are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims,
+nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head
+be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter
+with profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple
+of the Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most
+treasured relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
+
+
+
+
+
+                             TEN CHARACTERS.
+
+                                    I.
+
+The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities
+are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of
+firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system
+of thought. A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation
+grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A
+man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never
+given his attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy
+to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open.
+Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and
+put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of
+this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first
+sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have
+one hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually
+ostentatious. A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye
+upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is
+anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to
+know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious
+to repose his selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows
+ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that
+show which wins consideration. At him on this point, my pupils!
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good
+subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
+great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable
+portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against
+these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
+powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of
+himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make
+a man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of
+the delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent
+insensibility in those he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is
+peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he
+exacts in love, as from the world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females
+must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like
+Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped. Mem.--Among
+persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours,
+and peculiarities which are each a handle. No man lives out of the world
+with impunity to the solidity of his own character. Every new outlet to
+the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of
+robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits
+in courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my
+good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all
+his good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he
+finds you out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung.
+Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes
+a tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never
+commit any illegal offence,--aren't there cat's-paws for the
+chestnuts? As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred
+oppressions, which you need not explain to him), and his character
+is especially hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we
+describe into braving the laws of his country. Yes! the bold, generous,
+frank, and affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be
+sure of a halter!
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat
+you, my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the
+stuff from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave
+such a man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools
+when he has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good
+young men!
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the
+ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
+ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not
+by any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the
+thickness of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best
+person to manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful
+women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the
+Delilah.
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier, the
+man of the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit
+antagonist,--often the successful and conquering rival of Character V.
+You perceive a man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the
+mere butterfly talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see
+at cards to the person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the
+Chesterfield, from the Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is
+difficult to give you an exact notion of the weak points of a character
+so various. But while he dupes his equals and his superiors, I consider
+him, my attentive pupils, by no means a very difficult character for
+an inferior to dupe. And in this manner you must go about it. Do not
+attempt hypocrisy; he will see through it in an instant. Let him think
+you at once, and at first sight, a rogue. Be candid on that matter
+yourself; but let him think you a useful rogue. Serve him well and
+zealously; but own that you do so, because you consider your interest
+involved in this. This reasoning satisfies him; and as men of this
+character are usually generous, he will acknowledge its justice
+by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating you with bountiful
+cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear contented; and
+profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat him), not by his
+failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character, but your time.
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of
+character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more
+common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no
+more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues;
+above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to,
+not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its
+tastes. So will ye cheat it,--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the
+false virtues which it admires itself,--rouge your sentiments highly,
+and let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young men, ye
+will cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial "the
+mirror of chivalry."
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+The plain, sensible, honest man,--a favourable, but not elevated
+specimen of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in
+once, but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he
+must be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part
+of your family. A man of this character is always open, though in a
+moderate and calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always
+do something to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father
+pulled his father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish;
+exert no artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state
+your wish for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions,
+modestly hint at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave
+him alone forever!
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,--how my
+heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan
+for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with
+the sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm
+of youth,--would that the hope could be realized! Here is the very
+incarnation of gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no
+hedgehog ever sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his
+indignation; go to him again and again; only throw yourself on his
+neck and weep. To gull him once is to gull him always; get his first
+shilling, and then calculate what you will do with the rest of his
+fortune. Never desert so good a man for new friends; that would
+be ungrateful in you! And take with you, by the way, my good young
+gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men are like lands; you will get
+more by lavishing all your labour again and again upon the easy than by
+ploughing up new ground in the sterile! Legislators,--wise, good, pious
+men,--the Tom Thumbs of moral science, who make giants first, and
+then kill them,--you think the above lessons villanous. I honour your
+penetration. They are not proofs of my villiany, but of your folly! Look
+over them again, and you will see that they are designed to show that
+while ye are imprisoning, transporting, and hanging thousands every day,
+a man with a decent modicum of cunning might practise every one of those
+lessons which seem to you so heinous, and not one of your laws could
+touch him!
+
+
+
+
+
+                              BRACHYLOGIA;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+          ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS
+
+                         BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON.
+
+     The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the
+     present.  The illness of this great man, which happened while
+     composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest
+     than when in robust health.--Editor's Note.
+
+
+             ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR.
+
+As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to
+pull off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. "A good little boy,"
+says the squire; "there's a ha'penny for you." The good little boy glows
+with pride. That ha'penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes
+our urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,--before church,
+which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off
+than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the
+beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him
+thus: "Be a good boy, Tom, and I'll befriend you. Tread in the steps of
+your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he
+was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station;
+--mind, and do like him!" So perpetual hard labour and plenty of
+cringing make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till
+the day of judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is
+conveyed through a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of
+the people, who call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of
+morals half chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate
+creatures whom they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor
+are always to be praised for,--industry, honesty, and content. The
+first virtue is extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich
+everything they have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota
+of the said everything being taken away again; and the third, because
+content is to hinder these poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so
+comfortable to the persons who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the
+morality taught by the rich to the poor!
+
+
+
+                                EMULATION.
+
+The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without
+inquiring into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man,
+we are on fire to perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to
+ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to
+commit the actions we admire. Could we discover these, how often might
+we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body, a certain
+peculiarity of constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we
+should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening
+the faculties of our minds,--should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of
+books; nay, on the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather
+than perfect our moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would
+have been a hero had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had
+he never been pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my
+beloved pupils, after reading "Quintus Curtius," twisting each other's
+throat; or, fresh from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope
+of being mutilated into the performance of a second "Lutrin."
+
+
+
+
+                CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF "HUMBUG."
+
+My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily
+increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is
+a fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves
+vehemently opposed to humbug,--fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet
+frank. When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,--they
+are the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand.
+They are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see
+the romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks
+at everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great
+modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in
+religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the
+plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he
+derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,--the
+humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom,
+prejudice, habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and
+the persons we speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by
+habit, too indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity.
+
+
+
+
+                 POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE.
+
+You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of
+magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you
+a great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own
+detriment. Your neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly,
+actuated by self-interest--self-interest--[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong
+here; but his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian
+principles.--EDITOR.]--is so entirely, though every twaddler denies
+it, the axis of the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who
+seems to disregard it. When a man ruins himself, just hear the abuse he
+receives; his neighbours take it as a personal affront!
+
+
+
+
+                            DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS.
+
+One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when
+they retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of
+enjoyment to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the
+great recalls only that public life which has disgusted them. Their
+private life hath slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the
+sorrow or the joy which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet
+impressions of mere domestic vicissitude.
+
+
+
+
+                             SELF-GLORIFIERS.
+
+Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always
+view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house
+the best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a
+miracle--as Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely,
+provide their servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a
+lark might appear as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a
+quartern.
+
+
+
+
+                           THOUGHT ON FORTUNE.
+
+It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like
+the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an
+additional lace upon his liveries.
+
+
+
+
+                              WIT AND TRUTH.
+
+People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being
+at variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world
+are witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying.
+"You assert," observes the Socrates of modern times, "that we have a
+virtual representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!"
+Here the wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the
+egg, where was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken
+egg.
+
+
+
+
+                              AUTO-THEOLOGY.
+
+Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes
+of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man
+dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do
+not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils,
+you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared
+Jove himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his
+own qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God.
+
+
+
+
+                          GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION.
+
+A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give
+him some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In
+the laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws
+by which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain
+justice for nothing!
+
+
+
+
+                    ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT
+                      GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS
+                          BETTER THAN ABILITY.
+
+As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the
+man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the
+fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he
+becomes unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very
+worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,--one on
+medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant's fearful ingenuity could
+afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and
+cure for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool _in se_, and therefore
+the knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it!
+
+
+
+
+                              COMMON-SENSE.
+
+Common-sense,--common-sense,--of all phrases, all catchwords, this is
+often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in especial,
+suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery.
+Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is something
+against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when Galileo
+proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, "Pshaw! common-sense
+will tell you the reverse." Talk to a sensible man for the first time on
+the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will say to it. In
+a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean intellect himself,
+says: "It is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the
+experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense."
+Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less useful in
+the legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally
+deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and averse
+to what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to
+reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction.
+
+
+
+
+                        LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE.
+
+My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your
+life, and writing verses about love,--let us say a word on the
+subject. There are two species of love common to all men and to most
+animals,--[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of
+custom]--one springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom.
+Now, neither of these, my dear young friends, is the love that you
+pretend to feel,--the love of lovers. Your passion, having only its
+foundation (and that unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else
+to the imagination. Now, the imagination of the majority is different
+in complexion and degree in every country and in every age; so also, and
+consequently, is the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that
+you sympathize with the romantic love of other times or nations only
+in proportion as you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative
+literature. The love which stalks through the "Arcadia" or "Amadis
+of Gaul" is to the great bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly
+ridiculous. Alas! when those works excited enthusiasm, so did the love
+which they describe. The long speeches, the icy compliments, expressed
+the feeling of the day. The love madrigals of the time of Shenstone,
+or the brocade gallantries of the French poets in the last century, any
+woman now would consider hollow or childish, imbecile or artificial.
+Once the songs were natural, and the love seductive. And now, my young
+friends, in the year 1822, in which I write, and shall probably die, the
+love which glitters through Moore, and walks so ambitiously ambiguous
+through the verse of Byron; the love which you consider now so deep and
+so true; the love which tingles through the hearts of your young ladies,
+and sets you young gentlemen gazing on the evening star,--all that love
+too will become unfamiliar or ridiculous to an after age; and the young
+aspirings and the moonlight dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which
+ye now think so touching and so sublime will go, my dear boys, where
+Cowley's Mistress and Waller's Sacharissa have gone before,--go with the
+Sapphos and the Chloes, the elegant "charming fairs," and the chivalric
+"most beauteous princesses!" The only love-poetry that stands through
+all time and appeals to all hearts is that which is founded on either
+or both the species of love natural to all men,--the love of the senses,
+and the love of custom. In the latter is included what middle-aged men
+call the rational attachment, the charm of congenial minds, as well
+as the homely and warmer accumulation of little memories of simple
+kindness, or the mere brute habitude of seeing a face as one would see
+a chair. These, sometimes singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make the
+theme of those who have perhaps loved the most honestly and the most
+humanly; these yet render Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over
+tender affections; and these, above all, make that irresistible and
+all-touching inspiration which subdues the romantic, the calculating,
+the old, the young, the courtier, the peasant, the poet, the man of
+business, in the glorious love-poetry of Robert Burns.
+
+
+
+
+                           THE GREAT ENTAILED.
+
+The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race
+spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another;
+and the main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most
+general, blunders is this,--the same rule we apply to individual cases
+we will not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse
+is swindling,--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a
+State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called
+by some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself
+"Policy." In consequence of this there is always a battle between those
+who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously
+give them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion
+extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in
+old States, though the world is still agreed that private swindling is
+private swindling, there is the Devil's own difficulty in punishing the
+swindling of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing
+to the art of swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the
+same. Adaptation in private cases is innovation in public; so, without
+repealing old laws, they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but
+more often not. Now, my beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it
+misses a pigeon always kills a crow; if it does not strike the guilty,
+it hits some one else. As every crime creates a law, so in turn every
+law creates a crime; and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils, and
+faults and blunders, till society becomes the organized disorder for
+picking pockets.
+
+
+
+
+                       THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE.
+
+A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming
+a knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not
+hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this
+is the wherefore: "a knave early" soon gets knowledge of the world. One
+vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to
+love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can
+scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even
+his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done
+to man!
+
+
+
+
+                                  STYLE.
+
+Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for
+in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest
+consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must
+pause well before you take up any model of style. On your style often
+depends your own character,--almost always the character given you by
+the world. If you adopt the lofty style,--if you string together noble
+phrases and swelling Sonora,--you have expressed, avowed, a frame of
+mind which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually
+begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr's style put in
+action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for
+having accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But
+suppose you escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament,
+you escape not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held
+by the vulgar the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of
+his diction; and the admirers of language will always consider Burke a
+nobler spirit than Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How
+many wise sayings have been called jests because they were wittily
+uttered! How many nothings swelled their author into a sage, ay,
+a saint, because they were strung together by the old hypocrite
+nun,--Gravity!
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Tomlinsoniana, by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook Tomlinsoniana, by E. B. Lytton, Complete
+#163 in our series by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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+Title: Tomlinsoniana
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+Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+Release Date: March 2005  [EBook #7736]
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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA, BY LYTTON ***
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+
+                              TOMLINSONIANA
+
+                         By Edward Bulwer-Lytton
+
+                                  OR,
+
+                        THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS
+
+                           OF THE CELEBRATED
+
+                          AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON,
+
+       PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF -------
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS,
+
+                             AND COMPRISING
+
+                                   I
+ MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS,
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME
+                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                                   II
+  BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                              INTRODUCTION.
+
+Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that
+University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral
+Philosophy.  I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness,
+in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and
+conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical
+Philosophy.  Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have
+alluded in the latter pages of "Paul Clifford," and which his pupils
+deemed it advisable to hide from--
+
+               "The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day,"
+
+his memory was still held in a tender veneration.  Perhaps, as in the
+case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you
+his genius.  In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a
+light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a little
+black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt.  These
+interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils.  His old age was
+consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the
+little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public.  In these essays
+and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom
+of his industrious and honourable life.  With great difficulty I procured
+from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the
+German press.  A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become
+philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would
+confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to
+the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon
+they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise.
+
+At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and
+hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in
+every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson
+peculiarly well-timed.  I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that
+may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if
+they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that
+principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its
+detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even
+condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is
+but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow.
+
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+     MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten
+     Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which
+     every Man may become his own Rogue
+
+     BRACHYLOGIA:
+          On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor
+          Emulation
+          Caution against the Scoffers of "Humbug"
+          Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence
+          Dum deflnat Amnis
+          Self-Glorifiers
+          Thought on Fortune
+          Wit, and Truth
+          Auto-theology
+          Glorious Constitution
+          Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is
+          better than        Ability
+          Common-sense
+          Love, and Writers on Love
+          The Great Entailed
+          The Regeneration of a Knave
+          Style
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                                 MAXIMS
+
+                                   ON
+
+                      THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING,
+
+                     ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS;
+
+BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME
+                             HIS OWN ROGUE.
+
+                Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb.
+
+
+                                    I.
+
+Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always
+begin with, "It is an acknowledged fact," etc.  Sir Robert Filmer was a
+master of this method of writing.  Thus, with what a solemn face that
+great man attempted to cheat!  "It is a truth undeniable that there
+cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc.,
+but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in
+nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir
+to Adam!"
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking on
+the most sacred principle you can find.  A common beggar can read you
+exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular
+cheating.  "For the love of God, sir, a penny!"
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find
+yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of "The Laws of Nature."  As
+those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody.
+Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the
+dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, "Here!"
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+Yield to a man's tastes, and he will yield to your interest.
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant,
+brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their
+opinion.
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood
+depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others.  The lawyer, the
+statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even
+the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer,
+the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from
+those smaller vices, our foibles.  Vanity is the figure prefixed to the
+ciphers of Necessity.  Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a
+man's virtues are; waste no time in learning them.  Fasten at once on his
+infirmities.  Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to
+the Many.  This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a
+rogue professionally.  Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est quod
+idem.--EDITOR.]--"flies that feed on the sore part, and would have
+nothing to live on were the body in health."--[Tatler].
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one has
+a sympathy with humid lids.  Providence hath beneficially provided for
+this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought, misfortunes
+painful to recall.  Hence, probably, those human calamities which the
+atheist rails against!  Wherefore, when you are uttering some affecting
+sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest misfortune you
+ever had in your life; habit will soon make the association of tears and
+that melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous.  I knew, my dear
+pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who obtained a charming legacy from
+an old poet by repeating the bard's verses with streaming eyes.  "How
+were you able to weep at will?" asked I (I was young then, my pupils).
+"Je pensois," answered he, "a mon pauvre pere, qui est mort."  The union
+of sentiment with the ability of swindling made that Frenchman a most
+fascinating creature!
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse
+than it is.  Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for
+human art, we knaves could not live.  The primary elements of a man's
+mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to "the pains taken with his
+education," and "the blessings of civilized society!"
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not, decide
+the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter.  Nothing
+indicates imposture like confidence.  Volney saith well, "that the most
+celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins
+his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, 'There is no doubt in
+this book!'"
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and
+which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating
+by subscription.  People like to be plundered in company; dupery then
+grows into the spirit of party.  Thus one quack very gravely requested
+persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its
+captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that
+L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament!
+Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a
+shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with
+"His Royal Highness" at the top, plays the devil with English guineas.
+A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the
+ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture,
+and other public virtues!
+
+
+
+                                   XI.
+
+Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently
+successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the
+qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue.  "He possessed," saith the
+biographer, "the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling]; the
+most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most noble
+fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most
+singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one man,
+and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over the mind
+of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing their purses or
+seducing their actions]."  Wherefore, if luck cast you in humble life,
+assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to accomplish
+you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be thoroughly
+versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself to be
+eminent!
+
+
+
+                                   XII.
+
+The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion
+nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice.  Appear
+generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not
+pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours.  Sincerity
+is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well
+as a Spanish cloak.
+
+
+
+                                  XIII.
+
+When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number
+of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the
+cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find.  You have then a reference
+that will alone dupe the rest of the world.  "That Mr. Lynx is
+satisfied," will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of your
+intentions!  Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on
+their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest.  Talk to
+them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their
+lawyer.  My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of
+art.  He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no
+other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think?--
+the Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling!
+
+
+
+                                   XIV.
+
+Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour,
+those which cost much.  The first,--flattery, attention, answering
+letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you
+intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect.  The least man is worth
+gaining at a small cost.  And besides, while you are serving yourself,
+you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence, and good-
+nature.  But the arts which cost you much labour--a long subservience to
+one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue, a quality, or a
+branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person difficult to
+blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth not only the
+loss of time, but the chance of detection.  Great pains for small gains
+is the maxim of the miser.  The rogue should have more _grandeur d'ame!_
+--[Greatness of soul].
+
+
+
+                                   XV.
+
+Always forgive.
+
+
+
+                                   XVI.
+
+If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may
+once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult to
+get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity.  The
+components of justice flatter few men!  Who likes to submit to an
+inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without even
+self--gratulation?  But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human
+ostentation deliciously.  Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of
+superiority is most grateful to social nature.  Hence the commonness of
+charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence
+you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty and
+arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable
+institutions.
+
+
+
+                                  XVII.
+
+Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the
+vulgar ones.  The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the
+moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical
+infirmity.  To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure
+compassion.  I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the
+felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten
+years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption.
+
+
+
+                                  XVIII.
+
+When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the
+small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great.  I do not express
+myself clearly--take an example.  In London there are sharpers who
+advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only
+conferred with.  The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to
+see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the
+property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses
+will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas.  Let him speak
+confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest
+stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so
+paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the
+matter related to halfpence!
+
+
+
+                                   XIX.
+
+Lord Coke has said: "To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute
+it."  Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested
+in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be traced
+to its fountain head.  Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow tracking it
+up, you have two ways of settling the matter.  You may say, with a smile,
+"Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your ingenuity;" or else
+look grave, colour up, and say, "I fancy, sir, there is no warrant for
+this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!" The Devil can
+quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is too!
+
+
+
+                                   XX.
+
+Rochefoucauld has said: "The hate of favourites is nothing else but the
+love of favour."  The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any
+man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he
+possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has attacked.
+Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our value for
+the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge is born
+from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres
+molested, or our rights invaded.  But the most noisy of all hatreds is
+hatred for the rich, from love for the riches.  Look well on the poor
+devil who is always railing at coaches and four!  Book him as a man to
+be bribed!
+
+
+
+                                   XXI.
+
+My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the
+practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers.  The
+heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest.  Men know this in
+the knavery of elections.  Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of
+life!  When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is
+your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time.
+Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath better
+expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most
+accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the
+murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which,
+doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,--
+
+     "Your eyes drop millstones, where fools' eyes drop tears--
+     I like you, lads!"
+
+Can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this
+compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard
+dropped those loving words, "I like you, lads!"
+
+
+
+                                  XXII.
+
+As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper
+be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints.  Happily,
+good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness.  And
+good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the
+Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials.
+
+
+
+                                  XXIII.
+
+                       BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY.
+
+A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a
+knave.  What hath a knave to do with passions?  Every irregular desire he
+must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in
+the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of
+human errors!  He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining;
+he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all
+that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from
+all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed into
+the fool--the moment mischief befalls him.  He professes the art of
+cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril.  He is
+_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and
+the shiftings of his circular formation.  He who is insensible of the
+glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple
+of mine.  I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, "Could it be
+seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!"  None but those who
+are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims,
+nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head
+be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter with
+profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple of the
+Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most treasured
+relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience.
+
+
+
+
+
+                             TEN CHARACTERS.
+
+                                    I.
+
+The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man.  These qualities
+are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles.  The want of
+firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system
+of thought.  A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation
+grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves.  A
+man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never
+given his attention long together to one thing.  This is a man most easy
+to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open.
+Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and
+put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No.
+
+
+
+                                   II.
+
+The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man.  Generally a character of
+this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first
+sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler.  But you have one
+hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually
+ostentatious.  A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye
+upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is
+anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to
+know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious to
+repose his selfishness on their good report.  Hence he grows
+ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that
+show which wins consideration.  At him on this point, my pupils!
+
+
+
+                                   III.
+
+The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character.  A very good
+subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires
+great discrimination and delicacy.  This character has a considerable
+portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against
+these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a
+powerful but unacknowledged vanity.  It is generally a good opinion of
+himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make a
+man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of the
+delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent
+insensibility in those he sees!  This is your handle to work on.  He is
+peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he
+exacts in love, as from the world, too much.  He is a Lara, whose females
+must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like
+Kaleds!  Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped.  Mem.--Among
+persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours, and
+peculiarities which are each a handle.  No man lives out of the world
+with impunity to the solidity of his own character.  Every new outlet to
+the humour is a new inlet to the heart.
+
+
+
+                                   IV.
+
+The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of
+robust health.  His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits
+in courage and in benevolence.  He is obviously not a hard character, my
+good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all
+his good qualities lay him open to you.  But beware his anger when he
+finds you out!  He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung.
+Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes a
+tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler.  You yourselves must never
+commit any illegal offence,--aren't there cat's-paws for the chestnuts?
+As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred oppressions,
+which you need not explain to him), and his character is especially
+hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we describe into
+braving the laws of his country.  Yes! the bold, generous, frank, and
+affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be sure of a
+halter!
+
+
+
+                                    V.
+
+The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat you,
+my dear friends.  For such a character makes the master-rogue, the stuff
+from which Nature forms a Richard the Third.  You had better leave such a
+man quite alone.  He is bad even to serve.  He breaks up his tools when
+he has done with them.  No, you can do nothing with him, my good young
+men!
+
+
+
+                                   VI.
+
+The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the
+ordinary animal.  Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or
+ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium.  He is not by
+any means easy to dupe.  Nature defends her mental brutes by the
+thickness of their hide.  Win his mistress if possible; she is the best
+person to manage him.  Such creatures are the natural prey of artful
+women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality.  To the Samson-the
+Delilah.
+
+
+
+                                   VII.
+
+The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier, the man of
+the world.  In public and stirring life this is the fit antagonist,--
+often the successful and conquering rival of Character V.  You perceive a
+man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the mere butterfly
+talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see at cards to the
+person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the Chesterfield, from the
+Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is difficult to give you an exact
+notion of the weak points of a character so various.  But while he dupes
+his equals and his superiors, I consider him, my attentive pupils, by no
+means a very difficult character for an inferior to dupe.  And in this
+manner you must go about it.  Do not attempt hypocrisy; he will see
+through it in an instant.  Let him think you at once, and at first sight,
+a rogue.  Be candid on that matter yourself; but let him think you a
+useful rogue.  Serve him well and zealously; but own that you do so,
+because you consider your interest involved in this.  This reasoning
+satisfies him; and as men of this character are usually generous, he will
+acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating
+you with bountiful cordials.  Should he not content you herein, appear
+contented; and profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat
+him), not by his failings, but by opportunity.  Watch not his character,
+but your time.
+
+
+
+                                  VIII.
+
+The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character.  This sort of
+character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more
+common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no
+more!  A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues;
+above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to,
+not otherwise.  You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its
+tastes.  So will ye cheat it,--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the
+false virtues which it admires itself,--rouge your sentiments highly, and
+let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young men, ye will
+cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial "the mirror
+of chivalry."
+
+
+
+                                   IX.
+
+The plain, sensible, honest man,--a favourable, but not elevated specimen
+of our race.  This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in once,
+but never twice.  Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he must
+be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part of your
+family.  A man of this character is always open, though in a moderate and
+calm degree, to the duties and ties of life.  He will always do something
+to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father pulled his
+father out of the Serpentine.  Affect with him no varnish; exert no
+artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance.  Candidly state your
+wish for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions,
+modestly hint at your gratitude.  So may you deceive him once, then leave
+him alone forever!
+
+
+
+                                    X.
+
+The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,--how my
+heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character!  What a Canaan
+for you does it present!  I envy you launching into the world with the
+sanguine hope of finding all men such!  Delightful enthusiasm of youth,--
+would that the hope could be realized!  Here is the very incarnation of
+gullibility.  You have only to make him love you, and no hedgehog ever
+sucked egg as you can suck him.  Never be afraid of his indignation; go
+to him again and again; only throw yourself on his neck and weep.  To
+gull him once is to gull him always; get his first shilling, and then
+calculate what you will do with the rest of his fortune.  Never desert so
+good a man for new friends; that would be ungrateful in you!  And take
+with you, by the way, my good young gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men
+are like lands; you will get more by lavishing all your labour again and
+again upon the easy than by ploughing up new ground in the sterile!
+Legislators,--wise, good, pious men,--the Tom Thumbs of moral science,
+who make giants first, and then kill them,--you think the above lessons
+villanous.  I honour your penetration.  They are not proofs of my
+villany, but of your folly!  Look over them again, and you will see that
+they are designed to show that while ye are imprisoning, transporting,
+and hanging thousands every day, a man with a decent modicum of cunning
+might practise every one of those lessons which seem to you so heinous,
+and not one of your laws could touch him!
+
+
+
+
+
+                              BRACHYLOGIA;
+
+                                  OR,
+
+          ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL.
+
+                        ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS
+
+                         BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON.
+
+     The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the
+     present.  The illness of this great man, which happened while
+     composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest
+     than when in robust health.--Editor's Note.
+
+
+             ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR.
+
+As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to
+pull off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality.  "A good little boy,"
+says the squire; "there's a ha'penny for you."  The good little boy glows
+with pride.  That ha'penny instils deep the lesson of humility.  Now goes
+our urchin to school.  Then comes the Sunday teaching,--before church,
+which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off
+than themselves.  A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the
+beadle.  Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him
+thus: "Be a good boy, Tom, and I'll befriend you.  Tread in the steps of
+your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he
+was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station;
+--mind, and do like him!" So perpetual hard labour and plenty of cringing
+make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till the day of
+judgment!  Another insidious distillation of morality is conveyed through
+a general praise of the poor.  You hear false friends of the people, who
+call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of morals half
+chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate creatures whom
+they keep at work for them.  But mark the virtues the poor are always to
+be praised for,--industry, honesty, and content.  The first virtue is
+extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich everything they
+have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota of the said everything
+being taken away again; and the third, because content is to hinder these
+poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so comfortable to the persons
+who profit by it.  This, my pupils, is the morality taught by the rich to
+the poor!
+
+
+
+                                EMULATION.
+
+The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without
+inquiring into causes.  When we read of the great actions of a man,
+we are on fire to perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to
+ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to
+commit the actions we admire.  Could we discover these, how often might
+we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body, a certain
+peculiarity of constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we
+should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening the
+faculties of our minds,--should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of books;
+nay, on the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather than
+perfect our moral salubrity.  Who should say whether Alexander would have
+been a hero had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had he
+never been pecked by a turkey?  It would be pleasant to see you, my
+beloved pupils, after reading "Quintus Curtius," twisting each other's
+throat; or, fresh from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope
+of being mutilated into the performance of a second "Lutrin."
+
+
+
+
+                CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF "HUMBUG."
+
+My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily
+increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is a
+fascination about them.  They are people who declare themselves
+vehemently opposed to humbug,--fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet
+frank.  When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,--they
+are the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand.
+They are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see
+the romance of a noble principle, not its utility.  When a man looks at
+everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great
+modicum of humbug.  You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in
+religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the
+plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he
+derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,--the
+humbug in common honesty!  Men are honest from religion, wisdom,
+prejudice, habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and the
+persons we speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by
+habit, too indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity.
+
+
+
+
+                 POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE.
+
+You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of
+magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you a
+great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own
+detriment.  Your neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly,
+actuated by self-interest--self-interest--[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong here;
+but his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian principles.--
+EDITOR.]--is so entirely, though every twaddler denies it, the axis of
+the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who seems to
+disregard it.  When a man ruins himself, just hear the abuse he receives;
+his neighbours take it as a personal affront!
+
+
+
+
+                            DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS.
+
+One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when they
+retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of enjoyment
+to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the great recalls
+only that public life which has disgusted them.  Their private life hath
+slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the sorrow or the joy
+which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet impressions of
+mere domestic vicissitude.
+
+
+
+
+                             SELF-GLORIFIERS.
+
+Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always
+view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house the
+best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a miracle--
+as Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely, provide their
+servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a lark might
+appear as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern.
+
+
+
+
+                           THOUGHT ON FORTUNE.
+
+It is often the easiest move that completes the game.  Fortune is like
+the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an
+additional lace upon his liveries.
+
+
+
+
+                              WIT AND TRUTH.
+
+People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being at
+variance with truth.  Now, some of the wittiest things in the world are
+witty solely from their truth.  Truth is the soul of a good saying.  "You
+assert," observes the Socrates of modern times, "that we have a virtual
+representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!"  Here the
+wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur.  When Columbus broke the egg,
+where was the wit?  In the completeness of conviction in the broken egg.
+
+
+
+
+                              AUTO-THEOLOGY.
+
+Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes
+of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man
+dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do
+not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets.  Wherefore, O my pupils,
+you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared Jove
+himself was a pygmy.  The pious vanity of man makes him adore his own
+qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God.
+
+
+
+
+                          GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION.
+
+A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume.  If a man ask you to give
+him some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In
+the laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws
+by which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain
+justice for nothing!
+
+
+
+
+                    ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT
+                      GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS
+                          BETTER THAN ABILITY.
+
+As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the
+man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the
+fruit of malice or necessity.  Place, then, a fool in power, and he
+becomes unconsciously the knave.  Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very
+worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,--one on
+medicines, the other on justice.  What tyrant's fearful ingenuity could
+afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and cure
+for our diseases?  Mr. Addington was the fool _in se_, and therefore the
+knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it!
+
+
+
+
+                              COMMON-SENSE.
+
+Common-sense,--common-sense,--of all phrases, all catchwords, this is
+often the most deceitful and the most dangerous.  Look, in especial,
+suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery.
+Common-sense is the experience of every day.  Discovery is something
+against the experience of every day.  No wonder, then, that when Galileo
+proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, "Pshaw! common-sense
+will tell you the reverse."  Talk to a sensible man for the first time on
+the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will say to it.  In
+a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean intellect himself,
+says: "It is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the
+experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense."
+Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less useful in the
+legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally
+deemed.  Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and averse to
+what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to
+reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction.
+
+
+
+
+                        LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE.
+
+My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your
+life, and writing verses about love,--let us say a word on the subject.
+There are two species of love common to all men and to most animals,--
+[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of custom]--one
+springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom.  Now, neither of
+these, my dear young friends, is the love that you pretend to feel,--the
+love of lovers.  Your passion, having only its foundation (and that
+unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else to the imagination.
+Now, the imagination of the majority is different in complexion and
+degree in every country and in every age; so also, and consequently, is
+the love of the imagination.  As a proof, observe that you sympathize
+with the romantic love of other times or nations only in proportion as
+you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative literature.  The love
+which stalks through the "Arcadia" or "Amadis of Gaul" is to the great
+bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly ridiculous.  Alas! when those
+works excited enthusiasm, so did the love which they describe.  The long
+speeches, the icy compliments, expressed the feeling of the day.  The
+love madrigals of the time of Shenstone, or the brocade gallantries of
+the French poets in the last century, any woman now would consider hollow
+or childish, imbecile or artificial.  Once the songs were natural, and
+the love seductive.  And now, my young friends, in the year 1822, in
+which I write, and shall probably die, the love which glitters through
+Moore, and walks so ambitiously ambiguous through the verse of Byron; the
+love which you consider now so deep and so true; the love which tingles
+through the hearts of your young ladies, and sets you young gentlemen
+gazing on the evening star,--all that love too will become unfamiliar or
+ridiculous to an after age; and the young aspirings and the moonlight
+dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which ye now think so touching and so
+sublime will go, my dear boys, where Cowley's Mistress and Waller's
+Sacharissa have gone before,--go with the Sapphos and the Chloes, the
+elegant "charming fairs," and the chivalric "most beauteous princesses!"
+The only love-poetry that stands through all time and appeals to all
+hearts is that which is founded on either or both the species of love
+natural to all men,--the love of the senses, and the love of custom.  In
+the latter is included what middle-aged men call the rational attachment,
+the charm of congenial minds, as well as the homely and warmer
+accumulation of little memories of simple kindness, or the mere brute
+habitude of seeing a face as one would see a chair.  These, sometimes
+singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make the theme of those who have
+perhaps loved the most honestly and the most humanly; these yet render
+Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over tender affections; and these,
+above all, make that irresistible and all-touching inspiration which
+subdues the romantic, the calculating, the old, the young, the courtier,
+the peasant, the poet, the man of business, in the glorious love-poetry
+of Robert Burns.
+
+
+
+
+                           THE GREAT ENTAILED.
+
+The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders.  One race
+spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another;
+and the main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most
+general, blunders is this,--the same rule we apply to individual cases we
+will not apply to public.  All men consent that swindling for a horse is
+swindling,--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault.  But in a
+State there is no such unanimity.  Swindling, Lord help you! is called by
+some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself
+"Policy."  In consequence of this there is always a battle between those
+who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously give
+them the wrong ones.  Hence all sorts of confusion.  This confusion
+extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in old
+States, though the world is still agreed that private swindling is
+private swindling, there is the Devil's own difficulty in punishing the
+swindling of the public.  The art of swindling now is a different thing
+to the art of swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the
+same.  Adaptation in private cases is innovation in public; so, without
+repealing old laws, they make new.  Sometimes these are effectual, but
+more often not.  Now, my beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it
+misses a pigeon always kills a crow; if it does not strike the guilty, it
+hits some one else.  As every crime creates a law, so in turn every law
+creates a crime; and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils, and
+faults and blunders, till society becomes the organized disorder for
+picking pockets.
+
+
+
+
+                       THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE.
+
+A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming a
+knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not
+hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature.  And this
+is the wherefore: "a knave early" soon gets knowledge of the world.  One
+vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors.  But wisdom causes us to
+love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin.  He who is wise and sins not can
+scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even
+his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done to
+man!
+
+
+
+
+                                  STYLE.
+
+Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is?  I think not; for
+in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest
+consideration had been lavished upon them.  Know, then, that you must
+pause well before you take up any model of style.  On your style often
+depends your own character,--almost always the character given you by the
+world.  If you adopt the lofty style,--if you string together noble
+phrases and swelling Sonora,--you have expressed, avowed, a frame of mind
+which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually
+begets the capacity.  The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr's style put in
+action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for having
+accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words.  But suppose you
+escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament, you escape
+not the stamp of popular opinion.  Addison must ever be held by the
+vulgar the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of his
+diction; and the admirers of language will always consider Burke a nobler
+spirit than Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences.  How many wise
+sayings have been called jests because they were wittily uttered!  How
+many nothings swelled their author into a sage, ay, a saint, because they
+were strung together by the old hypocrite nun,--Gravity!
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA, LYTTON ***
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