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diff --git a/old/b163w10.txt b/old/b163w10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9228811 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/b163w10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1358 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook Tomlinsoniana, by E. B. Lytton, Complete +#163 in our series by Edward Bulwer-Lytton + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**EBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These EBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers***** + + +Title: Tomlinsoniana + +Author: Edward Bulwer-Lytton + +Release Date: March 2005 [EBook #7736] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on May 13, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + + + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA, BY LYTTON *** + + + + + +This eBook was produced by Bryan Sherman +and David Widger, widger@cecomet.net + + + + + + TOMLINSONIANA + + By Edward Bulwer-Lytton + + OR, + + THE POSTHUMOUS WRITINGS + + OF THE CELEBRATED + + AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON, + + PROFESSOR OF MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN THE UNIVERSITY OF ------- + + ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS, + + AND COMPRISING + + I + MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CREATING, ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS, +BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME + HIS OWN ROGUE. + + II + BRACHYLOGIA; OR, ESSAYS CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL. + + + + + + + INTRODUCTION. + +Having lately been travelling in Germany, I spent some time at that +University in which Augustus Tomlinson presided as Professor of Moral +Philosophy. I found that that great man died, after a lingering illness, +in the beginning of the year 1822, perfectly resigned to his fate, and +conversing, even on his deathbed, on the divine mysteries of Ethical +Philosophy. Notwithstanding the little peccadilloes to which I have +alluded in the latter pages of "Paul Clifford," and which his pupils +deemed it advisable to hide from-- + + "The gaudy, babbling, and remorseless day," + +his memory was still held in a tender veneration. Perhaps, as in the +case of the illustrious Burns, the faults of a great man endear to you +his genius. In his latter days the PROFESSOR was accustomed to wear a +light-green silk dressing-gown, and, as he was perfectly bald, a little +black velvet cap; his small-clothes were pepper and salt. These +interesting facts I learned from one of his pupils. His old age was +consumed in lectures, in conversation, and in the composition of the +little _morceaux_ of wisdom we present to the public. In these essays +and maxims, short as they are, he seems to have concentrated the wisdom +of his industrious and honourable life. With great difficulty I procured +from his executors the manuscripts which were then preparing for the +German press. A valuable consideration induced those gentlemen to become +philanthropic, and to consider the inestimable blessings they would +confer upon this country by suffering me to give the following essays to +the light, in their native and English dress, on the same day whereon +they appear in Germany in the graces of foreign disguise. + +At an age when, while Hypocrisy stalks, simpers, sidles, struts, and +hobbles through the country, Truth also begins to watch her adversary in +every movement, I cannot but think these lessons of Augustus Tomlinson +peculiarly well-timed. I add them as a fitting Appendix to a Novel that +may not inappropriately be termed a Treatise on Social Frauds; and if +they contain within them that evidence of diligent attention and that +principle of good in which the satire of Vice is only the germ of its +detection, they may not, perchance, pass wholly unnoticed; nor be even +condemned to that hasty reading in which the Indifference of to-day is +but the prelude to the Forgetfulness of to-morrow. + + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + MAXIMS ON THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, Illustrated by Ten + Characters, being an Introduction to that noble Science by which + every Man may become his own Rogue + + BRACHYLOGIA: + On the Morality taught by the Rich to the Poor + Emulation + Caution against the Scoffers of "Humbug" + Popular Wrath at Individual Imprudence + Dum deflnat Amnis + Self-Glorifiers + Thought on Fortune + Wit, and Truth + Auto-theology + Glorious Constitution + Answer to the Popular Cant that Goodness in a Statesman is + better than Ability + Common-sense + Love, and Writers on Love + The Great Entailed + The Regeneration of a Knave + Style + + + + + + + MAXIMS + + ON + + THE POPULAR ART OF CHEATING, + + ILLUSTRATED BY TEN CHARACTERS; + +BEING AN INTRODUCTION TO THAT NOBLE SCIENCE BY WHICH EVERY MAN MAY BECOME + HIS OWN ROGUE. + + Set a thief to catch a thief.---Proverb. + + + I. + +Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always +begin with, "It is an acknowledged fact," etc. Sir Robert Filmer was a +master of this method of writing. Thus, with what a solemn face that +great man attempted to cheat! "It is a truth undeniable that there +cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, etc., +but that in the same multitude there is one man amongst them that in +nature hath a right to be King of all the rest,--as being the next heir +to Adam!" + + + + II. + +When you want something from the public, throw the blame of the asking on +the most sacred principle you can find. A common beggar can read you +exquisite lessons on this the most important maxim in the art of popular +cheating. "For the love of God, sir, a penny!" + + + + III. + +Whenever on any matter, moral, sentimental, or political, you find +yourself utterly ignorant, talk immediately of "The Laws of Nature." As +those laws are written nowhere,--[Locke]--they are known by nobody. +Should any ask you how you happen to know such or such a doctrine as the +dictate of Nature, clap your hand to your heart and say, "Here!" + + + + IV. + +Yield to a man's tastes, and he will yield to your interest. + + + + V. + +When you talk to the half-wise, twaddle; when you talk to the ignorant, +brag; when you talk to the sagacious, look very humble, and ask their +opinion. + + + + VI. + +Always bear in mind, my beloved pupils, that the means of livelihood +depend not on the virtues, but the vices of others. The lawyer, the +statesman, the hangman, the physician, are paid by our sins; nay, even +the commoner professions--the tailor, the coachmaker, the upholsterer, +the wine-merchant--draw their fortunes, if not their existence, from +those smaller vices, our foibles. Vanity is the figure prefixed to the +ciphers of Necessity. Wherefore, oh my beloved pupils! never mind what a +man's virtues are; waste no time in learning them. Fasten at once on his +infirmities. Do to the One as, were you an honest man, you would do to +the Many. This is the way to be a rogue individually, as a lawyer is a +rogue professionally. Knaves are like critics,--[Nullum simile est quod +idem.--EDITOR.]--"flies that feed on the sore part, and would have +nothing to live on were the body in health."--[Tatler]. + + + + VII. + +Every man finds it desirable to have tears in his eyes at times,--one has +a sympathy with humid lids. Providence hath beneficially provided for +this want, and given to every man, in its divine forethought, misfortunes +painful to recall. Hence, probably, those human calamities which the +atheist rails against! Wherefore, when you are uttering some affecting +sentiment to your intended dupe, think of the greatest misfortune you +ever had in your life; habit will soon make the association of tears and +that melancholy remembrance constantly felicitous. I knew, my dear +pupils, a most intelligent Frenchman, who obtained a charming legacy from +an old poet by repeating the bard's verses with streaming eyes. "How +were you able to weep at will?" asked I (I was young then, my pupils). +"Je pensois," answered he, "a mon pauvre pere, qui est mort." The union +of sentiment with the ability of swindling made that Frenchman a most +fascinating creature! + + + + VIII. + +Never commit the error of the over-shrewd, and deem human nature worse +than it is. Human nature is so damnably good that if it were not for +human art, we knaves could not live. The primary elements of a man's +mind do not sustain us; it is what he owes to "the pains taken with his +education," and "the blessings of civilized society!" + + + + IX. + +Whenever you doubt, my pupils, whether your man be a quack or not, decide +the point by seeing if your man be a positive asserter. Nothing +indicates imposture like confidence. Volney saith well, "that the most +celebrated of charlatans--[Mahomet]--and the boldest of tyrants begins +his extraordinary tissue of lies by these words, 'There is no doubt in +this book!'" + + + + X. + +There is one way of cheating people peculiar to the British Isles, and +which, my pupils, I earnestly recommend you to import hither,--cheating +by subscription. People like to be plundered in company; dupery then +grows into the spirit of party. Thus one quack very gravely requested +persons to fit up a ship for him and send him round the world as its +captain to make discoveries; and another patriotically suggested that +L10,000 should be subscribed--for what?--to place him in parliament! +Neither of these fellows could have screwed an individual out of a +shilling had he asked him for it in a corner; but a printed list, with +"His Royal Highness" at the top, plays the devil with English guineas. +A subscription for individuals may be considered a society for the +ostentatious encouragement of idleness, impudence, beggary, imposture, +and other public virtues! + + + + XI. + +Whenever you read the life of a great man, I mean a man eminently +successful, you will perceive all the qualities given to him are the +qualities necessary even to a mediocre rogue. "He possessed," saith the +biographer, "the greatest address [namely, the faculty of wheedling]; the +most admirable courage [namely, the faculty of bullying]; the most noble +fortitude [namely, the faculty of bearing to be bullied]; the most +singular versatility [namely, the faculty of saying one thing to one man, +and its reverse to another]; and the most wonderful command over the mind +of his contemporaries [namely, the faculty of victimizing their purses or +seducing their actions]." Wherefore, if luck cast you in humble life, +assiduously study the biographies of the great, in order to accomplish +you as a rogue; if in the more elevated range of society, be thoroughly +versed in the lives of the roguish: so shall you fit yourself to be +eminent! + + + + XII. + +The hypocrisy of virtue, my beloved pupils, is a little out of fashion +nowadays; it is sometimes better to affect the hypocrisy of vice. Appear +generously profligate, and swear with a hearty face that you do not +pretend to be better than the generality of your neighbours. Sincerity +is not less a covering than lying; a frieze great-coat wraps you as well +as a Spanish cloak. + + + + XIII. + +When you are about to execute some great plan, and to defraud a number +of persons, let the first one or two of the allotted number be the +cleverest, shrewdest fellows you can find. You have then a reference +that will alone dupe the rest of the world. "That Mr. Lynx is +satisfied," will amply suffice to satisfy Mr. Mole of the honesty of your +intentions! Nor are shrewd men the hardest to take in; they rely on +their strength: invulnerable heroes are necessarily the bravest. Talk to +them in a business-like manner, and refer your design at once to their +lawyer. My friend John Shamberry was a model in this grand stroke of +art. He swindled twelve people to the tune of some thousands, with no +other trouble than it first cost him to swindle--whom do you think?-- +the Secretary to the Society for the Suppression of Swindling! + + + + XIV. + +Divide your arts into two classes,--those which cost you little labour, +those which cost much. The first,--flattery, attention, answering +letters by return of post, walking across a street to oblige the man you +intend to ruin; all these you must never neglect. The least man is worth +gaining at a small cost. And besides, while you are serving yourself, +you are also obtaining the character of civility, diligence, and good- +nature. But the arts which cost you much labour--a long subservience to +one testy individual; aping the semblance of a virtue, a quality, or a +branch of learning which you do not possess, to a person difficult to +blind,--all these never begin except for great ends, worth not only the +loss of time, but the chance of detection. Great pains for small gains +is the maxim of the miser. The rogue should have more _grandeur d'ame!_ +--[Greatness of soul]. + + + + XV. + +Always forgive. + + + + XVI. + +If a man owe you a sum of money--pupils though you be of mine, you may +once in your lives be so silly as to lend--and you find it difficult to +get it back, appeal, not to his justice, but to his charity. The +components of justice flatter few men! Who likes to submit to an +inconvenience because he ought to do it,--without praise, without even +self--gratulation? But charity, my dear friends, tickles up human +ostentation deliciously. Charity implies superiority; and the feeling of +superiority is most grateful to social nature. Hence the commonness of +charity, in proportion to other virtues, all over the world; and hence +you will especially note that in proportion as people are haughty and +arrogant, will they laud almsgiving and encourage charitable +institutions. + + + + XVII. + +Your genteel rogues do not sufficiently observe the shrewdness of the +vulgar ones. The actual beggar takes advantage of every sore; but the +moral swindler is unpardonably dull as to the happiness of a physical +infirmity. To obtain a favour, neglect no method that may allure +compassion. I knew a worthy curate who obtained two livings by the +felicity of a hectic cough, and a younger brother who subsisted for ten +years on his family by virtue of a slow consumption. + + + + XVIII. + +When you want to possess yourself of a small sum, recollect that the +small sum be put into juxtaposition with a great. I do not express +myself clearly--take an example. In London there are sharpers who +advertise L70,000 to be advanced at four per cent; principals only +conferred with. The gentleman wishing for such a sum on mortgage goes to +see the advertiser; the advertiser says he must run down and look at the +property on which the money is to be advanced; his journey and expenses +will cost him a mere trifle,--say, twenty guineas. Let him speak +confidently; let the gentleman very much want the money at the interest +stated, and three to one but our sharper gets the twenty guineas,--so +paltry a sum in comparison to L70,000 though so serious a sum had the +matter related to halfpence! + + + + XIX. + +Lord Coke has said: "To trace an error to its fountainhead is to refute +it." Now, my young pupils, I take it for granted that you are interested +in the preservation of error; you do not wish it, therefore, to be traced +to its fountain head. Whenever, then, you see a sharp fellow tracking it +up, you have two ways of settling the matter. You may say, with a smile, +"Nay, now, sir, you grow speculative,--I admire your ingenuity;" or else +look grave, colour up, and say, "I fancy, sir, there is no warrant for +this assertion in the most sacred of all authorities!" The Devil can +quote Scripture, you know; and a very sensible Devil it is too! + + + + XX. + +Rochefoucauld has said: "The hate of favourites is nothing else but the +love of favour." The idea is a little cramped; the hate we bear to any +man is only the result of our love for some good which we imagine he +possesses, or which, being in our possession, we imagine he has attacked. +Thus envy, the most ordinary species of hate, arises from our value for +the glory, or the plate, or the content we behold; and revenge is born +from our regard for our fame that has been wounded, or our acres +molested, or our rights invaded. But the most noisy of all hatreds is +hatred for the rich, from love for the riches. Look well on the poor +devil who is always railing at coaches and four! Book him as a man to +be bribed! + + + + XXI. + +My beloved pupils, few have yet sufficiently studied the art by which the +practice of jokes becomes subservient to the science of swindlers. The +heart of an inferior is always fascinated by a jest. Men know this in +the knavery of elections. Know it now, my pupils, in the knavery of +life! When you slap yon cobbler so affectionately on the back, it is +your own fault if you do not slap your purpose into him at the same time. +Note how Shakspeare (whom study night and day,--no man hath better +expounded the mysteries of roguery!) causes his grandest and most +accomplished villain, Richard III., to address his good friends, the +murderers, with a jocular panegyric on that hardness of heart on which, +doubtless, those poor fellows most piqued themselves,-- + + "Your eyes drop millstones, where fools' eyes drop tears-- + I like you, lads!" + +Can't you fancy the knowing grin with which the dogs received this +compliment, and the little sly punch in the stomach with which Richard +dropped those loving words, "I like you, lads!" + + + + XXII. + +As good-nature is the characteristic of the dupe, so should good-temper +be that of the knave; the two fit into each other like joints. Happily, +good-nature is a Narcissus, and falls in love with its own likeness. And +good-temper is to good-nature what the Florimel of snow was to the +Florimel of flesh,--an exact likeness made of the coldest materials. + + + + XXIII. + + BEING THE PRAISE OF KNAVERY. + +A knave is a philosopher, though a philosopher is not necessarily a +knave. What hath a knave to do with passions? Every irregular desire he +must suppress; every foible he must weed out; his whole life is spent in +the acquisition of knowledge: for what is knowledge?--the discovery of +human errors! He is the only man always consistent yet ever examining; +he knows but one end, yet explores every means; danger, ill-repute, all +that terrify other men, daunt not him; he braves all, but is saved from +all: for I hold that a knave ceaseth to be the knave--he hath passed into +the fool--the moment mischief befalls him. He professes the art of +cheating; but the art of cheating is to cheat without peril. He is +_teres et rotundas_; strokes fly from the lubricity of his polish, and +the shiftings of his circular formation. He who is insensible of the +glory of his profession, who is open only to the profit, is no disciple +of mine. I hold of knavery, as Plato hath said of virtue, "Could it be +seen incarnate, it would beget a personal adoration!" None but those who +are inspired by a generous enthusiasm will benefit by the above maxims, +nor (and here I warn you solemnly from the sacred ground, till your head +be uncovered, and your feet be bared in the awe of veneration) enter with +profit upon the following descriptions of character,--that Temple of the +Ten Statutes, wherein I have stored and consecrated the most treasured +relics of my travelled thoughts and my collected experience. + + + + + + TEN CHARACTERS. + + I. + +The mild, irresolute, good-natured, and indolent man. These qualities +are accompanied with good feelings, but no principles. The want of +firmness evinces also the want of any peculiar or deeply rooted system +of thought. A man conning a single and favourite subject of meditation +grows wedded to one or the other of the opinions on which he revolves. A +man universally irresolute has generally led a desultory life, and never +given his attention long together to one thing. This is a man most easy +to cheat, my beloved friends; you cheat him even with his eyes open. +Indolence is dearer to him than all things; and if you get him alone and +put a question to him point blank, he cannot answer, No. + + + + II. + +The timid, suspicious, selfish, and cold man. Generally a character of +this description is an excellent man of business, and would at first +sight seem to baffle the most ingenious swindler. But you have one +hope,--I have rarely found it deceive me,--this man is usually +ostentatious. A cold, a fearful, yet a worldly person has ever an eye +upon others; he notes the effect certain things produce on them; he is +anxious to learn their opinions, that he may not transgress; he likes to +know what the world say of him; nay, his timidity makes him anxious to +repose his selfishness on their good report. Hence he grows +ostentatious, likes that effect which is favourably talked of, and that +show which wins consideration. At him on this point, my pupils! + + + + III. + +The melancholy, retired, sensitive, intellectual character. A very good +subject this for your knaveries, my young friends, though it requires +great discrimination and delicacy. This character has a considerable +portion of morbid suspicion and irritation belonging to it,--against +these you must guard; at the same time its prevailing feature is a +powerful but unacknowledged vanity. It is generally a good opinion of +himself, and a feeling that he is not appreciated by others, that make a +man reserved; he deems himself unfit for the world because of the +delicacy of his temperament, and the want of a correspondent +insensibility in those he sees! This is your handle to work on. He is +peculiarly flattered, too, on the score of devotion and affection; he +exacts in love, as from the world, too much. He is a Lara, whose females +must be Medoras; and even his male friends should be extremely like +Kaleds! Poor man! you see how easily he can be duped. Mem.--Among +persons of this character are usually found those oddities, humours, and +peculiarities which are each a handle. No man lives out of the world +with impunity to the solidity of his own character. Every new outlet to +the humour is a new inlet to the heart. + + + + IV. + +The bold, generous, frank, and affectionate man,--usually a person of +robust health. His constitution keeps him in spirits, and his spirits +in courage and in benevolence. He is obviously not a hard character, my +good young friends, for you to deceive; for he wants suspicion, and all +his good qualities lay him open to you. But beware his anger when he +finds you out! He is a terrible Othello when his nature is once stung. +Mem.--A good sort of character to seduce into illegal practices; makes a +tolerable traitor or a capital smuggler. You yourselves must never +commit any illegal offence,--aren't there cat's-paws for the chestnuts? +As all laws are oppressions (only necessary and often sacred oppressions, +which you need not explain to him), and his character is especially +hostile to oppression, you easily seduce the person we describe into +braving the laws of his country. Yes! the bold, generous, frank, and +affectionate man has only to be born in humble life to be sure of a +halter! + + + + V. + +The bold, selfish, close, grasping man will in all probability cheat you, +my dear friends. For such a character makes the master-rogue, the stuff +from which Nature forms a Richard the Third. You had better leave such a +man quite alone. He is bad even to serve. He breaks up his tools when +he has done with them. No, you can do nothing with him, my good young +men! + + + + VI. + +The eating, drinking, unthoughtful, sensual, mechanical man,--the +ordinary animal. Such a creature has cunning, and is either cowardly or +ferocious; seldom in these qualities he preserves a medium. He is not by +any means easy to dupe. Nature defends her mental brutes by the +thickness of their hide. Win his mistress if possible; she is the best +person to manage him. Such creatures are the natural prey of artful +women; their very stolidity covers all but sensuality. To the Samson-the +Delilah. + + + + VII. + +The gay, deceitful, shrewd, polished, able man,--the courtier, the man of +the world. In public and stirring life this is the fit antagonist,-- +often the successful and conquering rival of Character V. You perceive a +man like this varies so greatly in intellect--from the mere butterfly +talent to the rarest genius, from the person you see at cards to the +person you see in Cabinets, from the ----- to the Chesterfield, from the +Chesterfield to the Pericles--that it is difficult to give you an exact +notion of the weak points of a character so various. But while he dupes +his equals and his superiors, I consider him, my attentive pupils, by no +means a very difficult character for an inferior to dupe. And in this +manner you must go about it. Do not attempt hypocrisy; he will see +through it in an instant. Let him think you at once, and at first sight, +a rogue. Be candid on that matter yourself; but let him think you a +useful rogue. Serve him well and zealously; but own that you do so, +because you consider your interest involved in this. This reasoning +satisfies him; and as men of this character are usually generous, he will +acknowledge its justice by throwing you plenty of sops, and stimulating +you with bountiful cordials. Should he not content you herein, appear +contented; and profit in betraying him (that is the best way to cheat +him), not by his failings, but by opportunity. Watch not his character, +but your time. + + + + VIII. + +The vain, arrogant, brave, amorous, flashy character. This sort of +character we formerly attributed to the French, and it is still more +common to the Continent than that beloved island which I shall see no +more! A creature of this description is made up of many false virtues; +above others, it is always profuse where its selfishness is appealed to, +not otherwise. You must find, then, what pleases it, and pander to its +tastes. So will ye cheat it,--or ye will cheat it also by affecting the +false virtues which it admires itself,--rouge your sentiments highly, and +let them strut with a buskined air; thirdly, my good young men, ye will +cheat it by profuse flattery, and by calling it in especial "the mirror +of chivalry." + + + + IX. + +The plain, sensible, honest man,--a favourable, but not elevated specimen +of our race. This character, my beloved pupils, you may take in once, +but never twice. Nor can you take in such a man as a stranger; he must +be your friend or relation, or have known intimately some part of your +family. A man of this character is always open, though in a moderate and +calm degree, to the duties and ties of life. He will always do something +to serve his friend, his brother, or the man whose father pulled his +father out of the Serpentine. Affect with him no varnish; exert no +artifice in attempting to obtain his assistance. Candidly state your +wish for such or such a service, sensibly state your pretensions, +modestly hint at your gratitude. So may you deceive him once, then leave +him alone forever! + + + + X. + +The fond, silly, credulous man, all impulse and no reflection,--how my +heart swells when I contemplate this excellent character! What a Canaan +for you does it present! I envy you launching into the world with the +sanguine hope of finding all men such! Delightful enthusiasm of youth,-- +would that the hope could be realized! Here is the very incarnation of +gullibility. You have only to make him love you, and no hedgehog ever +sucked egg as you can suck him. Never be afraid of his indignation; go +to him again and again; only throw yourself on his neck and weep. To +gull him once is to gull him always; get his first shilling, and then +calculate what you will do with the rest of his fortune. Never desert so +good a man for new friends; that would be ungrateful in you! And take +with you, by the way, my good young gentlemen, this concluding maxim: Men +are like lands; you will get more by lavishing all your labour again and +again upon the easy than by ploughing up new ground in the sterile! +Legislators,--wise, good, pious men,--the Tom Thumbs of moral science, +who make giants first, and then kill them,--you think the above lessons +villanous. I honour your penetration. They are not proofs of my +villany, but of your folly! Look over them again, and you will see that +they are designed to show that while ye are imprisoning, transporting, +and hanging thousands every day, a man with a decent modicum of cunning +might practise every one of those lessons which seem to you so heinous, +and not one of your laws could touch him! + + + + + + BRACHYLOGIA; + + OR, + + ESSAYS, CRITICAL, SENTIMENTAL, MORAL, AND ORIGINAL. + + ADDRESSED TO HIS PUPILS + + BY AUGUSTUS TOMLINSON. + + The irony in the preceding essays is often lost sight of in the + present. The illness of this great man, which happened while + composing these little gems, made him perhaps more in earnest + than when in robust health.--Editor's Note. + + + ON THE MORALITY TAUGHT BY THE RICH TO THE POOR. + +As soon as the urchin pauper can totter out of doors, it is taught to +pull off its hat, and pull its hair to the quality. "A good little boy," +says the squire; "there's a ha'penny for you." The good little boy glows +with pride. That ha'penny instils deep the lesson of humility. Now goes +our urchin to school. Then comes the Sunday teaching,--before church, +which enjoins the poor to be lowly, and to honour every man better off +than themselves. A pound of honour to the squire, and an ounce to the +beadle. Then the boy grows up; and the Lord of the Manor instructs him +thus: "Be a good boy, Tom, and I'll befriend you. Tread in the steps of +your father; he was an excellent man, and a great loss to the parish; he +was a very civil, hard-working, well-behaved creature; knew his station; +--mind, and do like him!" So perpetual hard labour and plenty of cringing +make the ancestral virtues to be perpetuated to peasants till the day of +judgment! Another insidious distillation of morality is conveyed through +a general praise of the poor. You hear false friends of the people, who +call themselves Liberals and Tories, who have an idea of morals half +chivalric, half pastoral, agree in lauding the unfortunate creatures whom +they keep at work for them. But mark the virtues the poor are always to +be praised for,--industry, honesty, and content. The first virtue is +extolled to the skies, because industry gives the rich everything they +have; the second, because honesty prevents an iota of the said everything +being taken away again; and the third, because content is to hinder these +poor devils from ever objecting to a lot so comfortable to the persons +who profit by it. This, my pupils, is the morality taught by the rich to +the poor! + + + + EMULATION. + +The great error of emulation is this: we emulate effects without +inquiring into causes. When we read of the great actions of a man, +we are on fire to perform the same exploits, without endeavouring to +ascertain the precise qualities which enabled the man we imitate to +commit the actions we admire. Could we discover these, how often might +we discover that their origin was a certain temper of body, a certain +peculiarity of constitution, and that, wish we for the same success, we +should be examining the nature of our bodies rather than sharpening the +faculties of our minds,--should use dumbbells, perhaps, instead of books; +nay, on the other hand, contract some grievous complaint rather than +perfect our moral salubrity. Who should say whether Alexander would have +been a hero had his neck been straight; or Boileau a satirist, had he +never been pecked by a turkey? It would be pleasant to see you, my +beloved pupils, after reading "Quintus Curtius," twisting each other's +throat; or, fresh from Boileau, hurrying to the poultry-yard in the hope +of being mutilated into the performance of a second "Lutrin." + + + + + CAUTION AGAINST THE SCOFFERS OF "HUMBUG." + +My beloved pupils, there is a set of persons in the world, daily +increasing, against whom you must be greatly on your guard; there is a +fascination about them. They are people who declare themselves +vehemently opposed to humbug,--fine, liberal fellows, clear-sighted, yet +frank. When these sentiments arise from reflection, well and good,--they +are the best sentiments in the world; but many take them up second hand. +They are very inviting to the indolence of the mob of gentlemen who see +the romance of a noble principle, not its utility. When a man looks at +everything through this dwarfing philosophy, everything has a great +modicum of humbug. You laugh with him when he derides the humbug in +religion, the humbug in politics, the humbug in love, the humbug in the +plausibilities of the world; but you may cry, my dear pupils, when he +derides what is often the safest of all practically to deride,--the +humbug in common honesty! Men are honest from religion, wisdom, +prejudice, habit, fear, and stupidity; but the few only are wise; and the +persons we speak of deride religion, are beyond prejudice, unawed by +habit, too indifferent for fear, and too experienced for stupidity. + + + + + POPULAR WRATH AT INDIVIDUAL IMPRUDENCE. + +You must know, my dear young friends, that while the appearance of +magnanimity is very becoming to you, and so forth, it will get you a +great deal of ill-will if you attempt to practise it to your own +detriment. Your neighbours are so invariably, though perhaps insensibly, +actuated by self-interest--self-interest--[Mr. Tomlinson is wrong here; +but his ethics were too much narrowed to Utilitarian principles.-- +EDITOR.]--is so entirely, though every twaddler denies it, the axis of +the moral world--that they fly into a rage with him who seems to +disregard it. When a man ruins himself, just hear the abuse he receives; +his neighbours take it as a personal affront! + + + + + DUM DEFLUAT AMNIS. + +One main reason why men who have been great are disappointed, when they +retire to private life, is this: Memory makes a chief source of enjoyment +to those who cease eagerly to hope; but the memory of the great recalls +only that public life which has disgusted them. Their private life hath +slipped insensibly away, leaving faint traces of the sorrow or the joy +which found them too busy to heed the simple and quiet impressions of +mere domestic vicissitude. + + + + + SELF-GLORIFIERS. + +Providence seems to have done to a certain set of persons--who always +view their own things through a magnifying medium, deem their house the +best in the world, their gun the truest, their very pointer a miracle-- +as Colonel Hanger suggested to economists to do; namely, provide their +servants each with a pair of large spectacles, so that a lark might +appear as big as a fowl, and a twopenny loaf as large as a quartern. + + + + + THOUGHT ON FORTUNE. + +It is often the easiest move that completes the game. Fortune is like +the lady whom a lover carried off from all his rivals by putting an +additional lace upon his liveries. + + + + + WIT AND TRUTH. + +People may talk about fiction being the source of fancy, and wit being at +variance with truth. Now, some of the wittiest things in the world are +witty solely from their truth. Truth is the soul of a good saying. "You +assert," observes the Socrates of modern times, "that we have a virtual +representation; very well, let us have a virtual taxation too!" Here the +wit is in the fidelity of the sequitur. When Columbus broke the egg, +where was the wit? In the completeness of conviction in the broken egg. + + + + + AUTO-THEOLOGY. + +Not only every sect but every individual modifies the general attributes +of the Deity towards assimilation with his own character: the just man +dwells on the justice, the stern upon the wrath; the attributes that do +not please the worshipper he insensibly forgets. Wherefore, O my pupils, +you will not smile when you read in Barnes that the pygmies declared Jove +himself was a pygmy. The pious vanity of man makes him adore his own +qualities under the pretence of worshipping those of his God. + + + + + GLORIOUS CONSTITUTION. + +A sentence is sometimes as good as a volume. If a man ask you to give +him some idea of the laws of England, the answer is short and easy: In +the laws of England there are somewhere about one hundred and fifty laws +by which a poor man may be hanged, but not one by which he can obtain +justice for nothing! + + + + + ANSWER TO THE POPULAR CANT THAT + GOODNESS IN A STATESMAN IS + BETTER THAN ABILITY. + +As in the world we must look to actions, not motives, so a knave is the +man who injures you; and you do not inquire whether the injury be the +fruit of malice or necessity. Place, then, a fool in power, and he +becomes unconsciously the knave. Mr. Addington stumbled on the two very +worst and most villanous taxes human malice could have invented,--one on +medicines, the other on justice. What tyrant's fearful ingenuity could +afflict us more than by impeding at once redress for our wrongs, and cure +for our diseases? Mr. Addington was the fool _in se_, and therefore the +knave in office; but, bless you! he never meant it! + + + + + COMMON-SENSE. + +Common-sense,--common-sense,--of all phrases, all catchwords, this is +often the most deceitful and the most dangerous. Look, in especial, +suspiciously upon common-sense whenever it is opposed to discovery. +Common-sense is the experience of every day. Discovery is something +against the experience of every day. No wonder, then, that when Galileo +proclaimed a great truth, the universal cry was, "Pshaw! common-sense +will tell you the reverse." Talk to a sensible man for the first time on +the theory of vision, and hear what his common-sense will say to it. In +a letter in the time of Bacon, the writer, of no mean intellect himself, +says: "It is a pity the chancellor should set his opinion against the +experience of so many centuries and the dictates of common-sense." +Common-sense, then, so useful in household matters, is less useful in the +legislative and in the scientific world than it has been generally +deemed. Naturally, the advocate for what has been tried, and averse to +what is speculative, it opposes the new philosophy that appeals to +reason, and clings to the old which is propped by sanction. + + + + + LOVE, AND WRITERS ON LOVE. + +My warm, hot-headed, ardent young friends, ye are in the flower of your +life, and writing verses about love,--let us say a word on the subject. +There are two species of love common to all men and to most animals,-- +[Most animals; for some appear insensible to the love of custom]--one +springs from the senses, the other grows out of custom. Now, neither of +these, my dear young friends, is the love that you pretend to feel,--the +love of lovers. Your passion, having only its foundation (and that +unacknowledged) in the senses, owes everything else to the imagination. +Now, the imagination of the majority is different in complexion and +degree in every country and in every age; so also, and consequently, is +the love of the imagination. As a proof, observe that you sympathize +with the romantic love of other times or nations only in proportion as +you sympathize with their poetry and imaginative literature. The love +which stalks through the "Arcadia" or "Amadis of Gaul" is to the great +bulk of readers coldly insipid or solemnly ridiculous. Alas! when those +works excited enthusiasm, so did the love which they describe. The long +speeches, the icy compliments, expressed the feeling of the day. The +love madrigals of the time of Shenstone, or the brocade gallantries of +the French poets in the last century, any woman now would consider hollow +or childish, imbecile or artificial. Once the songs were natural, and +the love seductive. And now, my young friends, in the year 1822, in +which I write, and shall probably die, the love which glitters through +Moore, and walks so ambitiously ambiguous through the verse of Byron; the +love which you consider now so deep and so true; the love which tingles +through the hearts of your young ladies, and sets you young gentlemen +gazing on the evening star,--all that love too will become unfamiliar or +ridiculous to an after age; and the young aspirings and the moonlight +dreams and the vague fiddle-de-dees which ye now think so touching and so +sublime will go, my dear boys, where Cowley's Mistress and Waller's +Sacharissa have gone before,--go with the Sapphos and the Chloes, the +elegant "charming fairs," and the chivalric "most beauteous princesses!" +The only love-poetry that stands through all time and appeals to all +hearts is that which is founded on either or both the species of love +natural to all men,--the love of the senses, and the love of custom. In +the latter is included what middle-aged men call the rational attachment, +the charm of congenial minds, as well as the homely and warmer +accumulation of little memories of simple kindness, or the mere brute +habitude of seeing a face as one would see a chair. These, sometimes +singly, sometimes skilfully blended, make the theme of those who have +perhaps loved the most honestly and the most humanly; these yet render +Tibullus pathetic, and Ovid a master over tender affections; and these, +above all, make that irresistible and all-touching inspiration which +subdues the romantic, the calculating, the old, the young, the courtier, +the peasant, the poet, the man of business, in the glorious love-poetry +of Robert Burns. + + + + + THE GREAT ENTAILED. + +The great inheritance of man is a commonwealth of blunders. One race +spend their lives in botching the errors transmitted to them by another; +and the main cause of all political, that is, all the worst and most +general, blunders is this,--the same rule we apply to individual cases we +will not apply to public. All men consent that swindling for a horse is +swindling,--they punish the culprit and condemn the fault. But in a +State there is no such unanimity. Swindling, Lord help you! is called by +some fine name; and cheating grows grandiloquent, and styles itself +"Policy." In consequence of this there is always a battle between those +who call things by their right names and those who pertinaciously give +them the wrong ones. Hence all sorts of confusion. This confusion +extends very soon to the laws made for individual cases; and thus in old +States, though the world is still agreed that private swindling is +private swindling, there is the Devil's own difficulty in punishing the +swindling of the public. The art of swindling now is a different thing +to the art of swindling a hundred years ago; but the laws remain the +same. Adaptation in private cases is innovation in public; so, without +repealing old laws, they make new. Sometimes these are effectual, but +more often not. Now, my beloved pupils, a law is a gun which if it +misses a pigeon always kills a crow; if it does not strike the guilty, it +hits some one else. As every crime creates a law, so in turn every law +creates a crime; and hence we go on multiplying sins and evils, and +faults and blunders, till society becomes the organized disorder for +picking pockets. + + + + + THE REGENERATION OF A KNAVE. + +A man who begins the world by being a fool often ends it by becoming a +knave; but he who begins as a knave, if he be a rich man (and so not +hanged), may end, my beloved pupils, in being a pious creature. And this +is the wherefore: "a knave early" soon gets knowledge of the world. One +vice worn out makes us wiser than fifty tutors. But wisdom causes us to +love quiet, and in quiet we do not sin. He who is wise and sins not can +scarcely fail of doing good; for let him but utter a new truth, and even +his imagination cannot conceive the limit of the good he may have done to +man! + + + + + STYLE. + +Do you well understand what a wonderful thing style is? I think not; for +in the exercises you sent me, your styles betrayed that no very earnest +consideration had been lavished upon them. Know, then, that you must +pause well before you take up any model of style. On your style often +depends your own character,--almost always the character given you by the +world. If you adopt the lofty style,--if you string together noble +phrases and swelling Sonora,--you have expressed, avowed, a frame of mind +which you will insensibly desire to act up to; the desire gradually +begets the capacity. The life of Dr. Parr is Dr. Parr's style put in +action; and Lord Byron makes himself through existence unhappy for having +accidentally slipped into a melancholy current of words. But suppose you +escape this calamity by a peculiar hardihood of temperament, you escape +not the stamp of popular opinion. Addison must ever be held by the +vulgar the most amiable of men, because of the social amenity of his +diction; and the admirers of language will always consider Burke a nobler +spirit than Fox, because of the grandeur of his sentences. How many wise +sayings have been called jests because they were wittily uttered! How +many nothings swelled their author into a sage, ay, a saint, because they +were strung together by the old hypocrite nun,--Gravity! + +THE END. + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMLINSONIANA, LYTTON *** + +***** This file should be named b163w10.txt or b163w10.zip ***** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, b163w11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, b163w10a.txt + +This eBook was produced by Bryan Sherman +and David Widger, widger@cecomet.net + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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