diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/auqak10.txt | 4440 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/auqak10.zip | bin | 0 -> 68129 bytes |
2 files changed, 4440 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/auqak10.txt b/old/auqak10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..28117c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/auqak10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4440 @@ +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack** + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +The Autobiography of a Quack + +S. Weir Mitchell, MD, LLD + +October, 1996 [Etext #693] + + +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack** +*****This file should be named auqak10.txt or auqak10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, auqak11.txt. +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, auqak10a.txt. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, for time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an +up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes +in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has +a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a +look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a +new copy has at least one byte more or less. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +fifty hours is one conservative estimate for how long it we take +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-two text +files per month: or 400 more Etexts in 1996 for a total of 800. +If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the +total should reach 80 billion Etexts. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by the December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000=Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only 10% of the present number of computer users. 2001 +should have at least twice as many computer users as that, so it +will require us reaching less than 5% of the users in 2001. + + +We need your donations more than ever! + + +All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/BU": and are +tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (BU = Benedictine +University). (Subscriptions to our paper newsletter go to BU.) + +For these and other matters, please mail to: + +Project Gutenberg +P. O. Box 2782 +Champaign, IL 61825 + +When all other email fails try our Executive Director: +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +We would prefer to send you this information by email +(Internet, Bitnet, Compuserve, ATTMAIL or MCImail). + +****** +If you have an FTP program (or emulator), please +FTP directly to the Project Gutenberg archives: +[Mac users, do NOT point and click. . .type] + +ftp uiarchive.cso.uiuc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd etext/etext90 through /etext96 +or cd etext/articles [get suggest gut for more information] +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET INDEX?00.GUT +for a list of books +and +GET NEW GUT for general information +and +MGET GUT* for newsletters. + +**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** +(Three Pages) + + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- +tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor +Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at +Benedictine University (the "Project"). Among other +things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + net profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Benedictine University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +donated by Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK +AND +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +BY +S. WEIR MITCHELL, M.D., +LL.D. HARVARD AND EDINBURGH + + + + +CONTENTS + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +Both of the tales in this little volume +appeared originally in the ``Atlantic Monthly'' +as anonymous contributions. I owe to the +present owners of that journal permission to +use them. ``The Autobiography of a Quack '' +has been recast with large additions. + +``The Case of George Dedlow'' was not +written with any intention that it should +appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the +Rev. Dr. Furness and forgot it. This gentleman +sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett Hale. +He, presuming, I fancy, that every one +desired to appear in the ``Atlantic,'' offered it +to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards +I received a proof and a check. The +story was inserted as a leading article without +my name. It was at once accepted by many +as the description of a real case. Money was +collected in several places to assist the +unfortunate man, and benevolent persons went +to the ``Stump Hospital,'' in Philadelphia, to +see the sufferer and to offer him aid. The +spiritual incident at the end of the story was +received with joy by the spiritualists as a +valuable proof of the truth of their beliefs. + S. WEIR MITCHELL + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +At this present moment of time +I am what the doctors call an +interesting case, and am to be +found in bed No. 10, Ward +11, Massachusetts General +Hospital. I am told that I have what is called +Addison's disease, and that it is this pleasing +malady which causes me to be covered with +large blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, +it is a rather grim subject to joke about, +because, if I believed the doctor who comes +around every day, and thumps me, and listens +to my chest with as much pleasure as if I +were music all through--I say, if I really +believed him, I should suppose I was going to +die. The fact is, I don't believe him at all. +Some of these days I shall take a turn and +get about again; but meanwhile it is rather +dull for a stirring, active person like me to +have to lie still and watch myself getting big +brown and yellow spots all over me, like a +map that has taken to growing. + +The man on my right has consumption +--smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs all +night. The man on my left is a down-easter +with a liver which has struck work; looks +like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives +to whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he +does, I can't understand. I have tried reading +and tried whittling, but they don't either of +them satisfy me, so that yesterday I concluded +to ask the doctor if he couldn't suggest some +other amusement. + +I waited until he had gone through the +ward, and then seized my chance, and asked +him to stop a moment. + +``Well, my man,'' said he, ``what do you +want!'' + +I thought him rather disrespectful, but I +replied, ``Something to do, doctor.'' + +He thought a little, and then said: ``I'll +tell you what to do. I think if you were to +write out a plain account of your life it +would be pretty well worth reading. If half +of what you told me last week be true, you +must be about as clever a scamp as there is +to be met with. I suppose you would just +as lief put it on paper as talk it.'' + +``Pretty nearly,'' said I. ``I think I will +try it, doctor.'' + +After he left I lay awhile thinking over +the matter. I knew well that I was what the +world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I +had got little good out of the fact. If a man +is what people call virtuous, and fails in life, +he gets credit at least for the virtue; but +when a man is a--is--well, one of liberal +views, and breaks down, somehow or other +people don't credit him with even the +intelligence he has put into the business. This +I call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction +the energy and skill with which I did +my work, I should be nothing but disgusted +at the melancholy spectacle of my failure. +I suppose that I shall at least find occupation +in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore, +for my own satisfaction, I shall try to +amuse my convalescence by writing a plain, +straightforward account of the life I have +led, and the various devices by which I have +sought to get my share of the money of my +countrymen. It does appear to me that I +have had no end of bad luck. + +As no one will ever see these pages, I find it +pleasant to recall for my own satisfaction the +fact that I am really a very remarkable man. +I am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five +feet eleven, with a lot of curly red hair, and +blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another +unusual thing. My hands have often been +noticed. I get them from my mother, who was +a Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, +he was rather common. He was a little man, +red and round like an apple, but very strong, +for a reason I shall come to presently. The +family must have had a pious liking for Bible +names, because he was called Zebulon, my +sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not +a name for a gentleman. At one time I +thought of changing it, but I got over it +by signing myself ``E. Sanderaft.'' + +Where my father was born I do not know, +except that it was somewhere in New Jersey, +for I remember that he was once angry +because a man called him a Jersey Spaniard. +I am not much concerned to write about my +people, because I soon got above their level; +and as to my mother, she died when I was +an infant. I get my manners, which are +rather remarkable, from her. + +My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept +house for us, was a queer character. She +had a snug little property, about seven +thousand dollars. An old aunt left her the money +because she was stone-deaf. As this defect +came upon her after she grew up, she still +kept her voice. This woman was the cause +of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she +is uncomfortable, wherever she is. I think +with satisfaction that I helped to make her +life uneasy when I was young, and worse +later on. She gave away to the idle poor +some of her small income, and hid the rest, +like a magpie, in her Bible or rolled in her +stockings, or in even queerer places. The +worst of her was that she could tell what +people said by looking at their lips; this I +hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, +her ways of hiding her money proved useful, +to me at least. As to Peninnah, she was +nothing special until she suddenly bloomed +out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to +ribbons, and liked what she called ``keeping +company.'' She ran errands for every one, +waited on my aunt, and thought I was a +wonderful person--as indeed I was. I never +could understand her fondness for helping +everybody. A fellow has got himself to +think about, and that is quite enough. I +was told pretty often that I was the most +selfish boy alive. But, then, I am an +unusual person, and there are several names +for things. + +My father kept a small shop for the sale +of legal stationery and the like, on Fifth +street north of Chestnut. But his chief +interest in life lay in the bell-ringing of +Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and +the whole business was in the hands of a +kind of guild which is nearly as old as the +church. I used to hear more of it than I +liked, because my father talked of nothing +else. But I do not mean to bore myself +writing of bells. I heard too much about +``back shake,'' ``raising in peal,'' ``scales,'' +and ``touches,'' and the Lord knows what. + +My earliest remembrance is of sitting on +my father's shoulder when he led off the +ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by +reason of this exercise. With one foot +caught in a loop of leather nailed to the +floor, he would begin to pull No. 1, and by +and by the whole peal would be swinging, +and he going up and down, to my joy; I used +to feel as if it was I that was making the +great noise that rang out all over the town. +My familiar acquaintance with the old church +and its lumber-rooms, where were stored the +dusty arms of William and Mary and George +II., proved of use in my later days. + +My father had a strong belief in my +talents, and I do not think he was mistaken. +As he was quite uneducated, he determined +that I should not be. He had saved enough +to send me to Princeton College, and when I +was about fifteen I was set free from the +public schools. I never liked them. The last +I was at was the high school. As I had to +come down-town to get home, we used to +meet on Arch street the boys from the +grammar-school of the university, and there +were fights every week. In winter these +were most frequent, because of the snow- +balling. A fellow had to take his share or be +marked as a deserter. I never saw any +personal good to be had out of a fight, but it +was better to fight than to be cobbed. That +means that two fellows hold you, and the +other fellows kick you with their bent knees. +It hurts. + +I find just here that I am describing a +thing as if I were writing for some other +people to see. I may as well go on that way. +After all, a man never can quite stand off +and look at himself as if he was the only +person concerned. He must have an audience, +or make believe to have one, even if it +is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I +be unwilling, if it were safe, to let people +see how great ability may be defeated by the +crankiness of fortune. + +I may add here that a stone inside of a +snowball discourages the fellow it hits. But +neither our fellows nor the grammar-school +used stones in snowballs. I rather liked it. +If we had a row in the springtime we all +threw stones, and here was one of those bits +of stupid custom no man can understand; +because really a stone outside of a snowball +is much more serious than if it is mercifully +padded with snow. I felt it to be a +rise in life when I got out of the society of the +common boys who attended the high school. + +When I was there a man by the name of +Dallas Bache was the head master. He had a +way of letting the boys attend to what he called +the character of the school. Once I had to +lie to him about taking another boy's ball. +He told my class that I had denied the charge, +and that he always took it for granted that a +boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough +what would happen. It did. After that I +was careful. + +Princeton was then a little college, not +expensive, which was very well, as my father +had some difficulty to provide even the +moderate amount needed. + +I soon found that if I was to associate with +the upper set of young men I needed money. +For some time I waited in vain. But in my +second year I discovered a small gold-mine, on +which I drew with a moderation which shows +even thus early the strength of my character. + +I used to go home once a month for a +Sunday visit, and on these occasions I was often +able to remove from my aunt's big Bible a +five- or ten-dollar note, which otherwise would +have been long useless. + +Now and then I utilized my opportunities +at Princeton. I very much desired certain +things like well-made clothes, and for these +I had to run in debt to a tailor. When he +wanted pay, and threatened to send the bill +to my father, I borrowed from two or three +young Southerners; but at last, when they +became hard up, my aunt's uncounted hoard +proved a last resource, or some rare chance +in a neighboring room helped me out. I +never did look on this method as of permanent +usefulness, and it was only the temporary +folly of youth. + +Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, +I took no large amount of education, +although I was fond of reading, and especially +of novels, which are, I think, very +instructive to the young, especially the novels +of Smollett and Fielding. + +There is, however, little need to dwell on +this part of my life. College students in +those days were only boys, and boys are very +strange animals. They have instincts. They +somehow get to know if a fellow does not +relate facts as they took place. I like to put +it that way, because, after all, the mode of +putting things is only one of the forms of +self-defense, and is less silly than the +ordinary wriggling methods which boys employ, +and which are generally useless. I was rather +given to telling large stories just for the fun +of it and, I think, told them well. But somehow +I got the reputation of not being strictly +definite, and when it was meant to indicate +this belief they had an ill-mannered way of +informing you. This consisted in two or +three fellows standing up and shuffling noisily +with their feet on the floor. When first I +heard this I asked innocently what it meant, +and was told it was the noise of the bearers' +feet coming to take away Ananias. This was +considered a fine joke. + +During my junior year I became unpopular, +and as I was very cautious, I cannot see +why. At last, being hard up, I got to be +foolishly reckless. But why dwell on the +failures of immaturity? + +The causes which led to my leaving Nassau +Hall were not, after all, the mischievous +outbreaks in which college lads indulge. +Indeed, I have never been guilty of any of +those pieces of wanton wickedness which +injure the feelings of others while they lead +to no useful result. When I left to return +home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon +the necessity of greater care in following out +my inclinations, and from that time forward +I have steadily avoided, whenever it was +possible, the vulgar vice of directly possessing +myself of objects to which I could show no +legal title. My father was indignant at the +results of my college career; and, according +to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had some +effect in shortening his life. My sister +believed my account of the matter. It ended +in my being used for a year as an assistant +in the shop, and in being taught to ring bells +--a fine exercise, but not proper work for a +man of refinement. My father died while +training his bell-ringers in the Oxford triple +bob--broke a blood-vessel somewhere. How +I could have caused that I do not see. + +I was now about nineteen years old, and, +as I remember, a middle-sized, well-built +young fellow, with large eyes, a slight +mustache, and, I have been told, with very good +manners and a somewhat humorous turn. +Besides these advantages, my guardian held +in trust for me about two thousand dollars. +After some consultation between us, it was +resolved that I should study medicine. This +conclusion was reached nine years before the +Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, +for the sake of economy, in Woodbury, +New Jersey. From this time I saw very little +of my deaf aunt or of Peninnah. I was resolute +to rise in the world, and not to be weighted +by relatives who were without my tastes and +my manners. + +I set out for Philadelphia, with many good +counsels from my aunt and guardian. I look +back upon this period as a turning-point of +my life. I had seen enough of the world +already to know that if you can succeed +without exciting suspicion, it is by far the +pleasantest way; and I really believe that +if I had not been endowed with so fatal a +liking for all the good things of life I might +have lived along as reputably as most men. +This, however, is, and always has been, my +difficulty, and I suppose that I am not +responsible for the incidents to which it gave +rise. Most men have some ties in life, but I +have said I had none which held me. Peninnah +cried a good deal when we parted, and +this, I think, as I was still young, had a very +good effect in strengthening my resolution to +do nothing which could get me into trouble. +The janitor of the college to which I went +directed me to a boarding-house, where I +engaged a small third-story room, which I +afterwards shared with Mr. Chaucer of Georgia. +He pronounced it, as I remember, ``Jawjah.'' + +In this very remarkable abode I spent the +next two winters, and finally graduated, +along with two hundred more, at the close +of my two years of study. I should previously +have been one year in a physician's +office as a student, but this regulation was +very easily evaded. As to my studies, the +less said the better. I attended the quizzes, +as they call them, pretty closely, and, being +of a quick and retentive memory, was thus +enabled to dispense with some of the six or +seven lectures a day which duller men found +it necessary to follow. + +Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty +business for a gentleman, and on this +account I did just as little as was absolutely +essential. In fact, if a man took his tickets +and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled +himself as to whether or not he did any more +than this. A like evil existed at the +graduation: whether you squeezed through or +passed with credit was a thing which was +not made public, so that I had absolutely +nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told +that it is all very different to-day. + +The astonishment with which I learned of +my success was shared by the numerous +Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors +and perfumed with tobacco the rooms of our +boarding-house. In my companions, during +the time of my studies so called, as in other +matters of life, I was somewhat unfortunate. +All of them were Southern gentlemen, with +more money than I had. Many of them carried +great sticks, usually sword-canes, and +some bowie-knives or pistols; also, they +delighted in swallow-tailed coats, long hair, +broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight +boots. I often think of these gentlemen +with affectionate interest, and wonder how +many are lying under the wheat-fields of +Virginia. One could see them any day +sauntering along with their arms over their +companions' shoulders, splendidly indifferent to +the ways of the people about them. They +hated the ``Nawth'' and cursed the Yankees, +and honestly believed that the leanest of +them was a match for any half a dozen of +the bulkiest of Northerners. I must also do +them the justice to say that they were quite +as ready to fight as to brag, which, by the +way, is no meager statement. With these +gentry--for whom I retain a respect which +filled me with regret at the recent course of +events--I spent a good deal of my large +leisure. The more studious of both sections +called us a hard crowd. What we did, or +how we did it, little concerns me here, except +that, owing to my esteem for chivalric blood +and breeding, I was led into many practices +and excesses which cost my guardian and +myself a good deal of money. At the close +of my career as a student I found myself aged +twenty-one years, and the owner of some +seven hundred dollars--the rest of my small +estate having disappeared variously within +the last two years. After my friends had +gone to their homes in the South I began to +look about me for an office, and finally settled +upon very good rooms in one of the down- +town localities of the Quaker City. I am not +specific as to the number and street, for +reasons which may hereafter appear. I liked +the situation on various accounts. It had +been occupied by a doctor; the terms were +reasonable; and it lay on the skirts of a +good neighborhood, while below it lived a +motley population, among which I expected +to get my first patients and such fees as were +to be had. Into this new home I moved my +medical text-books, a few bones, and myself. +Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, +upon which was distinctly to be read: + + DR. E. SANDERAFT. + Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + + +I felt now that I had done my fair share +toward attaining a virtuous subsistence, and +so I waited tranquilly, and without undue +enthusiasm, to see the rest of the world do +its part in the matter. Meanwhile I read up +on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at +home all through my office hours, and at +intervals explored the strange section of the +town which lay to the south of my office. I +do not suppose there is anything like it else +where. It was then filled with grog-shops, +brothels, slop-shops, and low lodging-houses. +You could dine for a penny on soup made +from the refuse meats of the rich, gathered +at back gates by a horde of half-naked children, +who all told varieties of one woeful +tale. Here, too, you could be drunk for five +cents, and be lodged for three, with men, +women, and children of all colors lying about +you. It was this hideous mixture of black +and white and yellow wretchedness which +made the place so peculiar. The blacks +predominated, and had mostly that swollen, +reddish, dark skin, the sign in this race of +habitual drunkenness. Of course only the +lowest whites were here--rag-pickers, +pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, and the +like. All of this, as it came before me, I +viewed with mingled disgust and philosophy. +I hated filth, but I understood that society +has to stand on somebody, and I was only +glad that I was not one of the undermost +and worst-squeezed bricks. + +I can hardly believe that I waited a month +without having been called upon by a single +patient. At last a policeman on our beat +brought me a fancy man with a dog-bite. +This patient recommended me to his brother, +the keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and +by very slow degrees I began to get stray +patients who were too poor to indulge in up- +town doctors. I found the police very useful +acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar +now and then, I got most of the cases of cut +heads and the like at the next station-house. +These, however, were the aristocrats of my +practice; the bulk of my patients were soap- +fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, hose-house +bummers, and worse, with other and nameless +trades, men and women, white, black, +or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, +and quarters with which I was reluctantly +paid, I do not know; that, indeed, was none +of my business. They expected to pay, +and they came to me in preference to the +dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, +who seemed to me to spend most of his days +in the lanes and alleys about us. Of course +he received no pay except experience, since +the dispensaries in the Quaker City, as a +rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; +and the vilest of the poor prefer a ``pay +doctor'' to one of these disinterested gentlemen, +who cannot be expected to give their +best brains for nothing, when at everybody's +beck and call. I am told, indeed I know, +that most young doctors do a large amount +of poor practice, as it is called; but, for my +own part, I think it better for both parties +when the doctor insists upon some compensation +being made to him. This has been +usually my own custom, and I have not found +reason to regret it. + +Notwithstanding my strict attention to my +own interests, I have been rather sorely dealt +with by fate upon several occasions, where, +so far as I could see, I was vigilantly doing +everything in my power to keep myself out +of trouble or danger. I may as well relate +one of them, merely to illustrate of how little +value a man's intellect may be when fate and +the prejudices of the mass of men are against +him. + +One evening, late, I myself answered a ring +at the bell, and found a small black boy on +the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, +curled darkness for hair, and teeth like new +tombstones. It was pretty cold, and he was +relieving his feet by standing first on one +and then on the other. He did not wait for +me to speak. + +``Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come +quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 Bedford +street.'' + +The locality did not look like pay, but +it is hard to say in this quarter, because +sometimes you found a well-to-do ``brandy- +snifter'' (local for gin-shop) or a hard-working +``leather-jeweler'' (ditto for shoemaker), with +next door, in a house better or worse, dozens +of human rats for whom every police trap in +the city was constantly set. + +With a doubt in my mind as to whether I +should find a good patient or some dirty nigger, +I sought the place to which I had been +directed. I did not like its looks; but I +blundered up an alley and into a back room, +where I fell over somebody, and was cursed +and told to lie down and keep easy, or +somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would +make me. At last I lit on a staircase which +led into the alley, and, after much useless +inquiry, got as high as the garret. People +hereabout did not know one another, or did not +want to know, so that it was of little avail +to ask questions. At length I saw a light +through the cracks in the attic door, and +walked in. To my amazement, the first person +I saw was a woman of about thirty-five, +in pearl-gray Quaker dress--one of your +quiet, good-looking people. She was seated +on a stool beside a straw mattress upon +which lay a black woman. There were three +others crowded close around a small stove, +which was red-hot--an unusual spectacle in +this street. Altogether a most nasty den. + +As I came in, the little Quaker woman got +up and said: ``I took the liberty of sending +for thee to look at this poor woman. I am +afraid she has the smallpox. Will thee be so +kind as to look at her?'' And with this she +held down the candle toward the bed. + +``Good gracious!'' I said hastily, seeing +how the creature was speckled ``I didn't +understand this, or I would not have come. +I have important cases which I cannot subject +to the risk of contagion. Best let her +alone, miss,'' I added, ``or send her to the +smallpox hospital.'' + +Upon my word, I was astonished at the +little woman's indignation. She said just +those things which make you feel as if somebody +had been calling you names or kicking +you--Was I really a doctor? and so on. It +did not gain by being put in the +ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. However, I +never did fancy smallpox, and what could a +fellow get by doctoring wretches like these? +So I held my tongue and went away. About +a week afterwards I met Evans, the dispensary +man, a very common fellow, who was +said to be frank. + +``Helloa!'' says he. ``Doctor, you made a +nice mistake about that darky at No. 709 +Bedford street the other night. She had +nothing but measles, after all.'' + +``Of course I knew,'' said I, laughing; ``but +you don't think I was going in for dispensary +trash, do you?'' + +``I should think not,'' said Evans. + +I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker +had taken an absurd fancy to the man +because he had doctored the darky and would +not let the Quakeress pay him. The end +was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the +Southwark Dispensary, where they do pay +the doctors, Miss Barker was malignant +enough to take advantage of my oversight +by telling the whole story to the board; so +that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + +You may be pretty sure that I found rather +slow the kind of practice I have described, +and began to look about for chances of +bettering myself. In this sort of locality rather +risky cases turned up now and then; and as +soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, +I began to get the peculiar sort of practice I +wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I +found myself, at the close of three years, with +all my means spent, and just able to live +meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no +means suited a man of my refined tastes. + +Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, +and was able to secure moderate aid by +overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to +these changes of property I was careful, and +did not venture to secure the large amount I +needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time +hidden, and I judged it, therefore, to be her +chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly +distrusted. + +Six months went by, and I was worse off +than ever--two months in arrears of rent, +and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and +liquor-dealers. Now and then some good job, +such as a burglar with a cut head, helped me +for a while; but, on the whole, I was like +Slider Downeyhylle in Neal's ``Charcoal +Sketches,'' and kept going ``downer and +downer'' the more I tried not to. Something +had to be done. + +It occurred to me, about this time, that if +I moved into a more genteel locality I might +get a better class of patients, and yet keep +the best of those I now had. To do this it +was necessary to pay my rent, and the more +so because I was in a fair way to have no +house at all over my head. But here fortune +interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm +on Seventh Street, and ran to catch an +omnibus. As I pulled open the door I saw +behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. +I laughed and jumped in. She had to run a +little before the 'bus again stopped. She got +pretty wet. An old man in the corner, who +seemed in the way of taking charge of other +people's manners, said to me: ``Young man, +you ought to be ashamed to get in before the +lady, and in this pour, too!'' + +I said calmly, ``But you got in before her.'' + +He made no reply to this obvious fact, as +he might have been in the bus a half-hour. +A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a +laugh, ``Rather neat, that,'' and, turning, tried +to pull up a window-sash. In the effort +something happened, and he broke the glass, +cutting his hand in half a dozen places. +While he was using several quite profane +phrases, I caught his hand and said, ``I am a +surgeon,'' and tied my handkerchief around +the bleeding palm. + +The guardian of manners said, ``I hope you +are not much hurt, but there was no reason +why you should swear.'' + +On this my patient said, ``Go to ----,'' +which silenced the monitor. + +I explained to the wounded man that the +cuts should be looked after at once. The +matter was arranged by our leaving the 'bus, +and, as the rain had let up, walking to his +house. This was a large and quite luxurious +dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for +his wounds, which, as I had informed him, +required immediate attention. It was at this +time summer, and his wife and niece, the +only other members of his family, were +absent. On my second visit I made believe +to remove some splinters of glass which I +brought with me. He said they showed how +shamefully thin was that omnibus window- +pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the +end of the month,--for one wound was long +in healing,--presented me with one hundred +dollars. This paid my small rental, and as +Mr. Poynter allowed me to refer to him, I +was able to get a better office and bedroom on +Spruce street. I saw no more of my patient +until winter, although I learned that he was +a stock-broker, not in the very best repute, +but of a well-known family. + +Meanwhile my move had been of small use. +I was wise enough, however, to keep up my +connection with my former clients, and +contrived to live. It was no more than that. +One day in December I was overjoyed to see +Mr. Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very +pale, and never, to my remembrance, without a +permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and +now at once I saw that he wanted something. + +I hated the way that man saw through me. +He went on without hesitation, taking me +for granted. He began by saying he had +confidence in my judgment, and when a man +says that you had better look out. He said +he had a niece who lived with him, a brother's +child; that she was out of health and ought +not to marry, which was what she meant to +do. She was scared about her health, +because she had a cough, and had lost a brother +of consumption. I soon came to understand +that, for reasons unknown to me, my friend +did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, +he also informed me, was troubled as to the +niece's health. Now, he said, he wished to +consult me as to what he should do. I +suspected at once that he had not told me all. + +I have often wondered at the skill with +which I managed this rather delicate matter. +I knew I was not well enough known +to be of direct use, and was also too young +to have much weight. I advised him to get +Professor C. + +Then my friend shook his head. He said +in reply, ``But suppose, doctor, he says there +is nothing wrong with the girl?'' + +Then I began to understand him. + +``Oh,'' I said, ``you get a confidential +written opinion from him. You can make it what +you please when you tell her.'' + +He said no. It would be best for me to +ask the professor to see Miss Poynter; might +mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I +was to get his opinion in writing. + +``Well?'' said I. + +``After that I want you to write me a joint +opinion to meet the case--all the needs of +the case, you see.'' + +I saw, but hesitated as to how much would +make it worth while to pull his hot chestnuts +out of the fire--one never knows how hot +the chestnuts are. + +Then he said, ``Ever take a chance in +stocks?'' + +I said, ``No.'' + +He said that he would lend me a little +money and see what he could do with it. And +here was his receipt from me for one thousand +dollars, and here, too, was my order to +buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to +Sign it? I did. + +I was to call in two days at his house, and +meantime I could think it over. It seemed +to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the +young woman--well, supposing is awfully +destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I +had only to misunderstand the professor's +opinion. I went to the house, and talked to +Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter +came in, and began to lament her niece's +declining health. After that I saw Miss +Poynter. There is a kind of innocent-looking +woman who knows no more of the world +than a young chicken, and is choke-full of +emotions. I saw it would be easy to frighten +her. There are some instruments anybody +can get any tune they like out of. I was +very grave, and advised her to see the +professor. And would I write to ask him, said +Mr. Poynter. I said I would. + +As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: +``You will clear some four hundred easy. +Write to the professor. Bring my receipt +to the office next week, and we will settle.'' + +We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave +him one for fifteen hundred dollars, and +received in notes five hundred dollars. + +In a day or so I had a note from the +professor stating that Miss Poynter was in no +peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, +and had only a mild bronchial trouble. He +advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured +to reassure my young patient. Now, this +was a little more than I wanted. However, +I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought +she had bronchitis, that in her case tubercle +would be very apt to follow, and that at present, +and until she was safe, we considered +marriage undesirable. + +Mr. Poynter said it might have been put +stronger, but he would make it do. He made +it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. +The final result was that she eloped with +her lover, because if she was to die, as she +wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her +husband's arms. Human nature plus hysteria +will defy all knowledge of character. This +was what our old professor of practice used +to say. + +Mr. Poynter had now to account for a +large trust estate which had somehow dwindled. +Unhappily, princes are not the only +people in whom you must not put your trust. +As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to +know the facts, and cut me dead. It was +unpleasant, but I had my five hundred +dollars, and--I needed them. I do not see how +I could have been more careful. + +After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter +broke, and did not even pay my last bill. I +had to accept several rather doubtful cases, +and once a policeman I knew advised me +that I had better be on my guard. + +But, really, so long as I adhered to the +common code of my profession I was in danger +of going without my dinner. + +Just as I was at my worst and in despair +something always turned up, but it was sure +to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see +me, and Peninnah wrote me goody-goody +letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable +to find certain bank-notes she had hidden, +and vowed I had taken them. This Peninnah +did not think possible. I agreed +with her. The notes were found somewhat +later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my +aunt's old slippers. Of course I wrote an +indignant letter. My aunt declared that +Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored +them when they were missed. Poor Peninnah! +This did not seem to me very likely, +but Peninnah did love fine clothes. + +One night, as I was debating with myself +as to how I was to improve my position, I +heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to +the door, let in a broad-shouldered man with +a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He +wore a heavy black beard and mustache, and +looked like the wolf in the pictures of Red +Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + +``Your name's Sanderaft?'' said the man. + +``Yes; that's my name--Dr. Sanderaft.'' + +As he sat down he shook the snow over +everything, and said coolly: ``Set down, doc; +I want to talk with you.'' + +``What can I do for you?'' said I. + +The man looked around the room rather +scornfully, at the same time throwing back +his coat and displaying a red neckerchief +and a huge garnet pin. ``Guess you're not +overly rich,'' he said. + +``Not especially,'' said I. ``What's that +your business?'' + +He did not answer, but merely said, +``Know Simon Stagers?'' + +``Can't say I do,'' said I, cautiously. Simon +was a burglar who had blown off two fingers +when mining a safe. I had attended him +while he was hiding. + +``Can't say you do. Well, you can lie, and +no mistake. Come, now, doc. Simon says +you're safe, and I want to have a leetle +plain talk with you.'' + +With this he laid ten gold eagles on the +table. I put out my hand instinctively. + +``Let 'em alone,'' cried the man, sharply. +``They're easy earned, and ten more like 'em.'' + +``For doing what?'' I said. + +The man paused a moment, and looked +around him; next he stared at me, and loosened +his cravat with a hasty pull. ``You're +the coroner,'' said he. + +``I! What do you mean?'' + +``Yes, you're the coroner; don't you +understand?'' and so saying, he shoved the gold +pieces toward me. + +``Very good,'' said I; ``we will suppose I'm +the coroner. What next?'' + +``And being the coroner,'' said he, ``you get +this note, which requests you to call at No. 9 +Blank street to examine the body of a young +man which is supposed--only supposed, you +see--to have--well, to have died under +suspicious circumstances.'' + +``Go on,'' said I. + +``No,'' he returned; ``not till I know how +you like it. Stagers and another knows it; +and it wouldn't be very safe for you to split, +besides not making nothing out of it. But +what I say is this, Do you like the business +of coroner?'' + +I did not like it; but just then two +hundred in gold was life to me, so I said: ``Let +me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.'' + +``That's square enough,'' said the man. +``My wife's got''--correcting himself with +a shivery shrug--``my wife had a brother +that took to cutting up rough because when +I'd been up too late I handled her a leetle +hard now and again. + +``Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just +then--you see, he lived with us. When he +got better I guessed he'd drop all that; but +somehow he was worse than ever--clean off +his head, and strong as an ox. My wife said +to put him away in an asylum. I didn't +think that would do. At last he tried to get +out. He was going to see the police about-- +well--the thing was awful serious, and my +wife carrying on like mad, and wanting +doctors. I had no mind to run, and something +had got to be done. So Simon Stagers and +I talked it over. The end of it was, he took +worse of a sudden, and got so he didn't know +nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. He +said it was a perforation, and there ought to +have been a doctor when he was first took sick. + +``Well, the man died, and as I kept about +the house, my wife had no chance to talk. +The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a +certificate. I thought we were done with it. +But my wife she writes a note and gives it to +a boy in the alley to put in the post. We +suspicioned her, and Stagers was on the +watch. After the boy got away a bit, Simon +bribed him with a quarter to give him the +note, which wasn't no less than a request to +the coroner to come to the house to-morrow +and make an examination, as foul play was +suspected--and poison.'' + +When the man quit talking he glared at +me. I sat still. I was cold all over. I was +afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides +which, I did not doubt that there was a good +deal of money in the case. + +``Of course,'' said I, ``it's nonsense; only +I suppose you don't want the officers about, +and a fuss, and that sort of thing.'' + +``Exactly,'' said my friend. ``It's all bosh +about poison. You're the coroner. You +take this note and come to my house. Says +you: `Mrs. File, are you the woman that +wrote this note? Because in that case I must +examine the body.' '' + +``I see,'' said I; ``she needn't know who I +am, or anything else; but if I tell her it's all +right, do you think she won't want to know +why there isn't a jury, and so on?'' + +``Bless you,'' said the man, ``the girl isn't +over seventeen, and doesn't know no more +than a baby. As we live up-town miles +away, she won't know anything about you.'' + +``I'll do it,'' said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, +it involved no sort of risk; ``but I must have +three hundred dollars.'' + +``And fifty,'' added the wolf, ``if you do it +well.'' + +Then I knew it was serious. + +With this the man buttoned about him a +shaggy gray overcoat, and took his leave +without a single word in addition. + +A minute later he came back and said: +``Stagers is in this business, and I was to +remind you of Lou Wilson,--I forgot that,-- +the woman that died last year. That's all.'' +Then he went away, leaving me in a cold +sweat. I knew now I had no choice. I +understood why I had been selected. + +For the first time in my life, that night I +couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, at last, +that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, +and escape, leaving my books to pay as they +might my arrears of rent. Looking out of +the window, however, in the morning, I saw +Stagers prowling about the opposite pavement; +and as the only exit except the street +door was an alleyway which opened along- +side of the front of the house, I gave myself +up for lost. About ten o'clock I took my case +of instruments and started for File's house, +followed, as I too well understood, by Stagers. + +I knew the house, which was in a small up- +town street, by its closed windows and the +craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. +However, it was too late to draw back, and I +therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A haggard- +looking young woman came down, and led +me into a small parlor, for whose darkened +light I was thankful enough. + +``Did you write this note?'' + +``I did,'' said the woman, ``if you're the +coroner. Joe File--he's my husband--he's +gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it +was his, I do.'' + +``What do you suspect?'' said I. + +``I'll tell you,'' she returned in a whisper. +``I think he was made away with. I think +there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. +That's what I think.'' + +``I hope you may be mistaken,'' said I. +``Suppose you let me see the body.'' + +``You shall see it,'' she replied; and following +her, I went up-stairs to a front chamber, +where I found the corpse. + +``Get it over soon,'' said the woman, with +strange firmness. ``If there ain't no murder +been done I shall have to run for it; if there +was''--and her face set hard--``I guess I'll +stay.'' With this she closed the door and +left me with the dead. + +If I had known what was before me I +never could have gone into the thing at all. +It looked a little better when I had opened +a window and let in plenty of light; for +although I was, on the whole, far less afraid +of dead than living men, I had an absurd +feeling that I was doing this dead man a +distinct wrong--as if it mattered to the +dead, after all! When the affair was over, +I thought more of the possible consequences +than of its relation to the dead man himself; +but do as I would at the time, I was in a +ridiculous funk, and especially when going +through the forms of a post-mortem examination. + +I am free to confess now that I was +careful not to uncover the man's face, and that +when it was over I backed to the door and +hastily escaped from the room. On the stairs +opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with her +bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + +``Well,'' said she, rising as she spoke, and +with a certain eagerness in her tone, ``what +killed him? Was it poison?'' + +``Poison, my good woman!'' said I. ``When +a man has typhoid fever he don't need poison +to kill him. He had a relapse, that's all.'' + +``And do you mean to say he wasn't +poisoned,'' said she, with more than a trace of +disappointment in her voice--``not poisoned +at all?'' + +``No more than you are,'' said I. ``If I had +found any signs of foul play I should have +had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said +about it the better. The fact is, it would +have been much wiser to have kept quiet at +the beginning. I can't understand why you +should have troubled me about it at all. The +man had a perforation. It is common enough +in typhoid.'' + +``That's what the doctor said--I didn't +believe him. I guess now the sooner I leave +the better for me.'' + +``As to that,'' I returned, ``it is none of my +business; but you may rest certain about the +cause of your brother's death.'' + +My fears were somewhat quieted that +evening when Stagers and the wolf appeared +with the remainder of the money, and I +learned that Mrs. File had fled from her +home and, as File thought likely, from the +city also. A few months later File himself +disappeared, and Stagers found his way for +the third time into the penitentiary. Then I +felt at ease. I now see, for my own part, +that I was guilty of more than one mistake, +and that I displayed throughout a want of +intelligence. I ought to have asked more, +and also might have got a good fee from +Mrs. File on account of my services as +coroner. It served me, however, as a good +lesson; but it was several months before I +felt quite comfortable. + +Meanwhile money became scarce once more, +and I was driven to my wit's end to devise +how I should continue to live as I had done. +I tried, among other plans, that of keeping +certain pills and other medicines, which I +sold to my patients; but on the whole I found +it better to send all my prescriptions to one +druggist, who charged the patient ten or +twenty cents over the correct price, and +handed this amount to me. + +In some cases I am told the percentage is +supposed to be a donation on the part of the +apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient +pays for it in the end. It is one of the absurd +vagaries of the profession to discountenance +the practice I have described, but I +wish, for my part, I had never done anything +more foolish or more dangerous. Of course +it inclines a doctor to change his medicines a +good deal, and to order them in large quantities, +which is occasionally annoying to the +poor; yet, as I have always observed, there is +no poverty as painful as your own, so that I +prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among +many rather than to concentrate it on myself. +That's a rather neat phrase. + +About six months after the date of this +annoying adventure, an incident occurred which +altered somewhat, and for a time improved, +my professional position. During my morning +office-hour an old woman came in, and +putting down a large basket, wiped her face +with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and +afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then +she looked around uneasily, got up, settled +her basket on her arm with a jerk which may +have decided the future of an egg or two, and +remarked briskly: ``Don't see no little bottles +about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You +ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?'' + +With great presence of mind, I replied: +``Well, ma'am, that depends upon what you +want. Some of my patients like one, and +some like the other.'' I was about to add, +``You pay your money and you take your +choice,'' but thought better of it, and held my +peace, refraining from classical quotation. + +``Being as that's the case,'' said the old lady, +``I'll just tell you my symptoms. You said +you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?'' + +``Just so,'' replied I. + +``Clams or oysters, whichever opens most +lively, as my old Joe says--tends the oyster- +stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?'' + +No, I did not know Joe; but what were the +symptoms? + +They proved to be numerous, and included +a stunning in the head and a misery in the +side, with bokin after victuals. + +I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope +over her ample bosom, though what I +heard on this and similar occasions I should +find it rather difficult to state. I remember +well my astonishment in one instance where, +having unconsciously applied my instrument +over a clamorous silver watch in the watch- +fob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a +moment that he was suffering from a rather + +remarkable displacement of the heart. As to +my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and +who kept an apple-stand near by, I told her +that I was out of pills just then, but would +have plenty next day. Accordingly, I +proceeded to invest a small amount at a place +called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I +remember amused me immensely. + +A stout little German, with great silver +spectacles, sat behind a counter containing +numerous jars of white powders labeled +concisely ``Lac.,'' ``Led.,'' ``Onis.,'' ``Op.,'' +``Puls.,'' etc., while behind him were shelves +filled with bottles of what looked like minute +white shot. + +``I want some homeopathic medicine,'' +said I. + +``Vat kindt?'' said my friend. ``Vat you +vants to cure!'' + +I explained at random that I wished to +treat diseases in general. + +``Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,'' and +thereon produced a large box containing bottles +of small pills and powders, labeled variously +with the names of the diseases, so that +all you required was to use the headache or +colic bottle in order to meet the needs of +those particular maladies. + +I was struck at first with the exquisite +simplicity of this arrangement; but before +purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the +leaves of a book, in two volumes, which lay +on the counter; it was called ``Jahr's Manual.'' +Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon +``Lachesis,'' which proved to my amazement +to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to +be indicated for use in upward of a hundred +symptoms. At once it occurred to me that +``Lach.'' was the medicine for my money, and +that it was quite needless to waste cash on +the box. I therefore bought a small jar of +``Lach.'' and a lot of little pills, and started +for home. + +My old woman proved a fast friend; and +as she sent me numerous patients, I by and +by altered my sign to ``Homeopathic Physician +and Surgeon,'' whatever that may mean, +and was regarded by my medical brothers as +a lost sheep, and by the little-pill doctors as +one who had seen the error of his ways. + +In point of fact, my new practice had +decided advantages. All pills looked and tasted +alike, and the same might be said of the +powders, so that I was never troubled by those +absurd investigations into the nature of +remedies which some patients are prone to +make. Of course I desired to get business, +and it was therefore obviously unwise to give +little pills of ``Lac.,'' or ``Puls.,'' or ``Sep.,'' +when a man needed a dose of oil, or a white- +faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the +useful discovery that it was only necessary +to prescribe cod-liver oil, for instance, as a +diet, in order to make use of it where +required. When a man got impatient over an +ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I +could persuade him to let me try a good dose +of quinine; while, on the other hand, there +was a distinct pecuniary advantage in those +cases of the shakes which could be made to +believe that it ``was best not to interfere +with nature.'' I ought to add that this kind +of faith is uncommon among folks who carry +hods or build walls. + +For women who are hysterical, and go +heart and soul into the business of being +sick, I have found the little pills a most +charming resort, because you cannot carry +the refinement of symptoms beyond what my +friend Jahr has done in the way of fitting +medicines to them, so that if I had taken +seriously to practising this double form of +therapeutics, it had, as I saw, certain +conveniences. + +Another year went by, and I was beginning +to prosper in my new mode of life. My +medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with +variations as to the labels) cost next to nothing; +and as I charged pretty well for both these +and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + +I solemnly believe that I should have +continued to succeed in the practice of my +profession if it had not happened that fate was +once more unkind to me, by throwing in my +path one of my old acquaintances. I had a +consultation one day with the famous homeopath +Dr. Zwanzig. As we walked away we +were busily discussing the case of a poor +consumptive fellow who previously had lost +a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. +Zwanzig considered that the ten-thousandth +of a grain of aurum would be an overdose, +and that it must be fractioned so as to allow +for the departed leg, otherwise the rest of the +man would be getting a leg-dose too much. +I was particularly struck with this view of +the case, but I was still more, and less +pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former +patient Stagers, who nodded to me familiarly +from the opposite pavement. + +I was not at all surprised when, that +evening quite late, I found this worthy waiting in +my office. I looked around uneasily, which +was clearly understood by my friend, who +retorted: ``Ain't took nothin' of yours, doc. +You don't seem right awful glad to see me. +You needn't be afraid--I've only fetched +you a job, and a right good one, too.'' + +I replied that I had my regular business, +that I preferred he should get some one else, +and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware +that I had had enough of him. I did not ask +him to sit down, and, just as I supposed him +about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, +remarking, ``No use, doc; got to go into it +this one time.'' + +At this I, naturally enough, grew angry +and used several rather violent phrases. + +``No use, doc,'' said Stagers. + +Then I softened down, and laughed a little, +and treated the thing as a joke, whatever it +was, for I dreaded to hear. + +But Stagers was fate. Stagers was +inevitable. ``Won't do, doc--not even money +wouldn't get you off.'' + +``No?'' said I, interrogatively, and as coolly +as I could, contriving at the same time to +move toward the window. It was summer, +the sashes were up, the shutters half drawn +in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging +opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. +I would give Stagers a scare, charge him +with theft--anything but get mixed up with +his kind again. It was the folly of a moment +and I should have paid dear for it. + +He must have understood me, the scoundrel, +for in an instant I felt a cold ring of +steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on +my cravat. ``Sit down,'' he said. ``What a +fool you are! Guess you forgot that there +coroner's business and the rest.'' Needless to +say that I obeyed. ``Best not try that again,'' +continued my guest. ``Wait a moment''; +and rising, he closed the window. + +There was no resource left but to listen; +and what followed I shall condense rather +than relate it in the language employed by +Mr. Stagers. + +It appeared that my other acquaintance +Mr. File had been guilty of a cold-blooded +and long-premeditated murder, for which he +had been tried and convicted. He now lay +in jail awaiting his execution, which was to +take place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed +that with Stagers and others he had formed +a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. +Their business lay in the manufacture of +South American currencies. File had thus +acquired a fortune so considerable that I was +amazed at his having allowed his passion to +seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his +agony he unfortunately thought of me, and +had bribed Stagers largely in order that he +might be induced to find me. When the +narration had reached this stage, and I had +been made fully to understand that I was now +and hereafter under the sharp eye of Stagers +and his friends, that, in a word, escape was +out of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + +``What does all this mean?'' I said. +``What does File expect me to do?'' + +``Don't believe he exactly knows,'' said +Stagers. ``Something or other to get him +clear of hemp.'' + +``But what stuff!'' I replied. ``How can I +help him? What possible influence could +I exert?'' + +``Can't say,'' answered Stagers, imperturbably. +``File has a notion you're 'most cunning +enough for anything. Best try something, doc.'' + +``And what if I won't do it?'' said I. +``What does it matter to me if the rascal +swings or no?'' + +``Keep cool, doc,'' returned Stagers. ``I'm +only agent in this here business. My principal, +that's File, he says: `Tell Sanderaft +to find some way to get me clear. Once out, +I give him ten thousand dollars. If he don't +turn up something that will suit, I'll blow +about that coroner business and Lou Wilson, +and break him up generally.' '' + +``You don't mean,'' said I, in a cold sweat +--``you don't mean that, if I can't do this +impossible thing, he will inform on me?'' + +``Just so,'' returned Stagers. ``Got a +cigar, doc?'' + +I only half heard him. What a frightful +position! I had been leading a happy and an +increasingly profitable life--no scrapes and +no dangers; and here, on a sudden, I had +presented to me the alternative of saving a +wretch from the gallows or of spending +unlimited years in a State penitentiary. As +for the money, it became as dead leaves for +this once only in my life. My brain seemed +to be spinning round. I grew weak all over. + +``Cheer up a little,'' said Stagers. ``Take +a nip of whisky. Things ain't at the worst, +by a good bit. You just get ready, and we'll +start by the morning train. Guess you'll try +out something smart enough as we travel +along. Ain't got a heap of time to lose.'' + +I was silent. A great anguish had me in +its grip. I might squirm as I would, it was +all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, +born of this agony of terror. I might murder +Stagers, but what good would that do? +As to File, he was safe from my hand. At +last I became too confused to think any +longer. ``When do we leave?'' I said feebly. + +``At six to-morrow,'' he returned. + +How I was watched and guarded, and how +hurried over a thousand miles of rail to my +fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful +to recall it to memory. Above all, an aching +eagerness for revenge upon the man who had +caused me these sufferings was uppermost in +my mind. Could I not fool the wretch and +save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into +my consciousness. Then it grew and formed +itself, became possible, probable, seemed to +me sure. ``Ah,'' said I, ``Stagers, give me +something to eat and drink.'' I had not +tasted food for two days. + +Within a day or two after my arrival, I +was enabled to see File in his cell, on the +plea of being a clergyman from his native +place. + +I found that I had not miscalculated my +danger. The man did not appear to have the +least idea as to how I was to help him. He +only knew that I was in his power, and he +used his control to insure that something +more potent than friendship should be +enlisted in his behalf. As the days went by, +his behavior grew to be a frightful thing to +witness. He threatened, flattered, implored, +offered to double the sum he had promised +if I would save him. My really reasonable +first thought was to see the governor of the +State, and, as Stagers's former physician, +make oath to his having had many attacks of +epilepsy followed by brief periods of homicidal +mania. He had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic +epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was in a +distant city. The time was short, and the +case against my man too clear. Stagers said +it would not do. I was at my wit's end. +``Got to do something,'' said File, ``or I'll +attend to your case, doc.'' + +``But,'' said I, ``suppose there is really +nothing?'' + +``Well,'' said Stagers to me when we were +alone, ``you get him satisfied, anyhow. He'll +never let them hang him, and perhaps--well, +I'm going to give him these pills when I get +a chance. He asked to have them. But +what's your other plan?'' + +Stagers knew as much about medicine as +a pig knows about the opera. So I set to +work to delude him, first asking if he could +secure me, as a clergyman, an hour alone +with File just before the execution. He said +money would do it, and what was my plan? + +``Well,'' said I, ``there was once a man +named Dr. Chovet. He lived in London. A +gentleman who turned highwayman was to +be hanged. You see,'' said I, ``this was about +1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and +the hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the +man's windpipe, very low down where it could +be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they +hanged him only a little while, and the breath +went in and out of the opening below the +noose, he was only just insensible when his +friends got him--'' + +``And he got well,'' cried Stagers, much +pleased with my rather melodramatic tale. + +``Yes,'' I said, ``he got well, and lived to +take purses, all dressed in white. People had +known him well, and when he robbed his +great-aunt, who was not in the secret, she +swore she had seen his ghost.'' + +Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed +it would work; small town, new business, lots +of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to +save a man is said to have been made, but, by +ill luck, the man did not recover. It answered +my purpose, but how any one, even such an +ass as this fellow, could believe it could +succeed puzzles me to this day. + +File became enthusiastic over my scheme, +and I cordially assisted his credulity. The +thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the +business blew up or--and I shuddered-- +until File, in despair, took his pill. I should +in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + +My friend Stagers had some absurd +misgivings lest Mr. File's neck might be broken +by the fall; but as to this I was able to +reassure him upon the best scientific authority. +There were certain other and minor questions, +as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete +arrest of the supply of blood to the brain; +but with these physiological refinements I +thought it needlessly cruel to distract a man +in File's peculiar position. Perhaps I shall +be doing injustice to my own intellect if I do +not hasten to state again that I had not the +remotest belief in the efficacy of my plan for +any purpose except to get me out of a very +uncomfortable position and give me, with +time, a chance to escape. + +Stagers and I were both disguised as clergy- +men, and were quite freely admitted to the +condemned man's cell. In fact, there was in +the little town a certain trustful simplicity +about all their arrangements. The day but +one before the execution Stagers informed +me that File had the pills, which he, Stagers, +had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed +pleased with our plan. I was not. He was +really getting uneasy and suspicious of me-- +as I was soon to find out. + +So far our plans, or rather mine, had +worked to a marvel. Certain of File's old +accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman +to shorten the time of suspension. +Arrangements were made to secure me two +hours alone with the prisoner, so that +nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool +business. I had assured Stagers that I +would not need to see File again previous to +the operation; but in the forenoon of the day +before that set for the execution I was seized +with a feverish impatience, which luckily +prompted me to visit him once more. As +usual, I was admitted readily, and nearly +reached his cell when I became aware, from the +sound of voices heard through the grating in +the door, that there was a visitor in the cell. +``Who is with him?'' I inquired of the turnkey. + +``The doctor,'' he replied. + +``Doctor?'' I said, pausing. ``What doctor?'' + +``Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back +in half an hour to let him out; but he's got +a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will +you wait?'' + +``No,'' I replied; ``it is hardly right to +interrupt them. I will walk in the corridor for +ten minutes or so, and then you can come +back to let me into the cell.'' + +``Very good,'' he returned, and left me. + +As soon as I was alone, I cautiously +advanced until I stood alongside of the door, +through the barred grating of which I was +able readily to hear what went on within. +The first words I caught were these: + +``And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a +man's windpipe was open, the hanging would +kill him--are you sure?'' + +``Yes, I believe there would be no doubt +of it. I cannot see how escape would be +possible. But let me ask you why you have +sent for me to ask these singular questions. +You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, +and least of all in such a manner as this. I +advise you to think about the fate which is +inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to +reflect upon.'' + +``But,'' said File, ``if I wanted to try this +plan of mine, couldn't some one be found to +help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand +or so by it? I mean a really good doctor.'' +Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my +skill, and meant to get some one to aid me. + +``If you mean me,'' answered the doctor, +``some one cannot be found, neither for +twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, +if any one were wicked enough to venture on +such an attempt, he would only be deceiving +you with a hope which would be utterly vain. +You must be off your head.'' + +I understood all this with an increasing +fear in my mind. I had meant to get away +that night at all risks. I saw now that I must +go at once. + +After a pause he said: ``Well, doctor, you +know a poor devil in my fix will clutch at +straws. Hope I have not offended you.'' + +``Not in the least,'' returned the doctor. +``Shall I send you Mr. Smith?'' This was +my present name; in fact, I was known as +the Rev. Eliphalet Smith. + +``I would like it,'' answered File; ``but as +you go out, tell the warden I want to see +him immediately about a matter of great +importance.'' + +At this stage I began to apprehend very +distinctly that the time had arrived when it +would be wiser for me to delay escape no +longer. Accordingly, I waited until I heard +the doctor rise, and at once stepped quietly +away to the far end of the corridor. I had +scarcely reached it when the door which +closed it was opened by a turnkey who had +come to relieve the doctor and let me into the +cell. Of course my peril was imminent. If +the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the +prisoner, immediate disclosure would follow. +If some lapse of time were secured before the +warden obeyed the request from File that he +should visit him, I might gain thus a much- +needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore +said to the officer: ``Tell the warden that the +doctor wishes to remain an hour longer with +the prisoner, and that I shall return myself +at the end of that time.'' + +``Very good, sir,'' said the turnkey, allowing +me to pass out, and, as he followed me, +relocking the door of the corridor. ``I'll tell +him,'' he said. It is needless to repeat that +I never had the least idea of carrying out the +ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded +File and Stagers, but so far Stagers's watchfulness +had given me no chance to escape. + +In a few moments I was outside of the +jail gate, and saw my fellow-clergyman, Mr. +Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, +coming down the street toward me. As +usual, he was on his guard; but this time +he had to deal with a man grown perfectly +desperate, with everything to win and +nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, +wild as they were, I thought them worth the +trying. I must evade this man's terrible +watch. How keen it was, you cannot imagine; +but it was aided by three of the +infamous gang to which File had belonged, +for without these spies no one person could +possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + +I took Stagers's arm. ``What time,'' said I, +``does the first train start for Dayton?'' + +``At twelve. What do you want?'' + +``How far is it?'' + +``About fifteen miles,'' he replied. + +``Good. I can get back by eight o'clock +to-night.'' + +``Easily,'' said Stagers, ``if you go. What +do you want?'' + +``I want a smaller tube to put in the wind- +pipe--must have it, in fact.'' + +``Well, I don't like it,'' said he, ``but the +thing's got to go through somehow. If you +must go, I will go along myself. Can't lose +sight of you, doc, just at present. You're +monstrous precious. Did you tell File?'' + +``Yes,'' said I; ``he's all right. Come. +We've no time to lose.'' + +Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we +were seated in the last car of a long train, +and running at the rate of twenty miles an +hour toward Dayton. In about ten minutes +I asked Stagers for a cigar. + +``Can't smoke here,'' said he. + +``No,'' I answered; ``of course not. I'll go +forward into the smoking-car.'' + +``Come along,'' said he, and we went +through the train. + +I was not sorry he had gone with me when +I found in the smoking-car one of the spies +who had been watching me so constantly. +Stagers nodded to him and grinned at me, +and we sat down together. + +``Chut!'' said I, ``left my cigar on the +window-ledge in the hindmost car. Be back +in a moment.'' + +This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed +me to leave unaccompanied. I hastened +through to the nearer end of the hindmost +car, and stood on the platform. I instantly +cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, +waiting until the two cars ran together, I +tugged at the connecting-pin. As the cars +came together, I could lift it a little, then as +the strain came on the coupling the pin held +fast. At last I made a great effort, and out +it came. The car I was on instantly lost +speed, and there on the other platform, a +hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his +fist at me. He was beaten, and he knew it. +In the end few people have been able to get +ahead of me. + +The retreating train was half a mile away +around the curve as I screwed up the brake +on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to +a stand. I did not wait for it to stop entirely +before I slipped off the steps, leaving the +other passengers to dispose of themselves as +they might until their absence should be +discovered and the rest of the train return. + +As I wish rather to illustrate my very +remarkable professional career than to amuse +by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not +linger to tell how I succeeded, at last, in +reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I had never +ceased to anticipate the moment when escape +from File and his friends would be possible, +so that I always carried about with me the +very small funds with which I had hastily +provided myself upon leaving. The whole +amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but +with this, and a gold watch worth twice as +much, I hoped to be able to subsist until my +own ingenuity enabled me to provide more +liberally for the future. Naturally enough, +I scanned the papers closely to discover some +account of File's death and of the disclosures +concerning myself which he was only +too likely to have made. + +I came at last on an account of how he had +poisoned himself, and so escaped the hangman. +I never learned what he had said about me, +but I was quite sure he had not let me off easy. +I felt that this failure to announce his confessions +was probably due to a desire on the part +of the police to avoid alarming me. Be this +as it may, I remained long ignorant as to +whether or not the villain betrayed my part +in that unusual coroner's inquest. + +Before many days I had resolved to make +another and a bold venture. Accordingly +appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement +to the effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the +well-known German physician, who had spent +two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge +of Indian medicine, was prepared to +treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. +Dr. von Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis +for two weeks, and was to be found at the +Grayson House every day from ten until two +o'clock. + +To my delight, I got two patients the first +day. The next I had twice as many, when at +once I hired two connecting rooms, and made +a very useful arrangement, which I may +describe dramatically in the following way: + +There being two or three patients waiting +while I finished my cigar and morning julep, +enters a respectable-looking old gentleman +who inquires briskly of the patients if this is +really Dr. von Ingenhoff's. He is told it is. +My friend was apt to overact his part. I +had often occasion to ask him to be less +positive. + +``Ah,'' says he, ``I shall be delighted to see +the doctor. Five years ago I was scalped on +the Plains, and now''--exhibiting a well-covered +head--``you see what the doctor did for +me. 'T isn't any wonder I've come fifty +miles to see him. Any of you been scalped, +gentlemen?'' + +To none of them had this misfortune +arrived as yet; but, like most folks in the lower +ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it +was pleasant to find a genial person who +would listen to their account of their own +symptoms. + +Presently, after hearing enough, the old +gentleman pulls out a large watch. ``Bless +me! it's late. I must call again. May I +trouble you, sir, to say to the doctor that his +old friend called to see him and will drop in +again to-morrow? Don't forget: Governor +Brown of Arkansas.'' A moment later the +governor visited me by a side door, with his +account of the symptoms of my patients. + +Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having +retired. ``Now, doc,'' says the Hoosier, ``I've +been handled awful these two years back.'' +``Stop!'' I exclaimed. ``Open your eyes. +There, now, let me see,'' taking his pulse as I +speak. ``Ah, you've a pain there, and there, +and you can't sleep; cocktails don't agree any +longer. Weren't you bit by a dog two years +ago?'' ``I was,'' says the Hoosier, in +amazement. ``Sir,'' I reply, ``you have chronic +hydrophobia. It's the water in the cocktails +that disagrees with you. My bitters will cure +you in a week, sir. No more whisky--drink +milk.'' + +The astonishment of my patient at these +accurate revelations may be imagined. He is +allowed to wait for his medicine in the ante- +room, where the chances are in favor of his +relating how wonderfully I had told all his +symptoms at a glance. + +Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small +but clever actor, whom I met in the billiard- +room, and who day after day, in varying +disguises and modes, played off the same tricks, +to our great common advantage. + +At my friend's suggestion, we very soon +added to our resources by the purchase of +two electromagnetic batteries. This special +means of treating all classes of maladies has +advantages which are altogether peculiar. In +the first place, you instruct your patient that +the treatment is of necessity a long one. A +striking mode of putting it is to say, ``Sir, +you have been six months getting ill; it will +require six months for a cure.'' There is a +correct sound about such a phrase, and it is +sure to satisfy. Two sittings a week, at two +dollars a sitting, will pay. In many cases the +patient gets well while you are electrifying +him. Whether or not the electricity cured +him is a thing I shall never know. If, however, +he began to show signs of impatience, I +advised him that he would require a year's +treatment, and suggested that it would be +economical for him to buy a battery and use +it at home. Thus advised, he pays you twenty +dollars for an instrument which cost you ten, +and you are rid of a troublesome case. + +If the reader has followed me closely, he +will have learned that I am a man of large +and liberal views in my profession, and of a +very justifiable ambition. The idea has often +occurred to me of combining in one establishment +all the various modes of practice which +are known as irregular. This, as will be +understood, is really only a wider application +of the idea which prompted me to unite in my +own business homeopathy and the practice of +medicine. I proposed to my partner, accordingly, +to combine with our present business +that of spiritualism, which I knew had been +very profitably turned to account in connection +with medical practice. As soon as he +agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped +to enlarge so as to include all the available +isms, I set about making such preparations as +were necessary. I remembered having read +somewhere that a Dr. Schiff had shown that +he could produce remarkable ``knockings,'' so +called, by voluntarily dislocating the great +toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its +socket. A still better noise could be made by +throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus +muscle out of the hollow in which it lies, +alongside of the ankle. After some effort I +was able to accomplish both feats quite readily, +and could occasion a remarkable variety of +sounds, according to the power which I +employed or the positions which I occupied at +the time. As to all other matters, I trusted +to the suggestions of my own ingenuity, +which, as a rule, has rarely failed me. + +The largest success attended the novel plan +which my lucky genius had devised, so that +soon we actually began to divide large profits +and to lay by a portion of our savings. It is, +of course, not to be supposed that this desirable +result was attained without many annoyances +and some positive danger. My spiritual +revelations, medical and other, were, as may +be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; +but in this, as in predictions as to the weather +and other events, the rare successes always +get more prominence in the minds of men +than the numerous failures. Moreover, +whenever a person has been fool enough to +resort to folks like myself, he is always glad +to be able to defend his conduct by bringing +forward every possible proof of skill on the +part of the men he has consulted. These +considerations, and a certain love of mysterious +or unusual means, I have commonly found +sufficient to secure an ample share of gullible +individuals. I may add, too, that those who +would be shrewd enough to understand and +expose us are wise enough to keep away +altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, +easy enough to manage, but now and then we +hit upon some utterly exceptional patient +who was both foolish enough to consult us +and sharp enough to know he had been swindled. +When such a fellow made a fuss, it +was occasionally necessary to return his +money if it was found impossible to bully +him into silence. In one or two instances, +where I had promised a cure upon prepayment +of two or three hundred dollars, I was either +sued or threatened with suit, and had to +refund a part or the whole of the amount; but +most people preferred to hold their tongues +rather than expose to the world the extent of +their own folly. + +In one most disastrous case I suffered +personally to a degree which I never can recall +without a distinct sense of annoyance, both +at my own want of care and at the disgusting +consequences which it brought upon me. + +Early one morning an old gentleman called, +in a state of the utmost agitation, and +explained that he desired to consult the spirits +as to a heavy loss which he had experienced +the night before. He had left, he said, a sum +of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going +to bed. In the morning he had changed his +clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove the +notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, +he discovered that the garment still lay upon +the chair where he had thrown it, but that the +money was missing. I at once desired him to +be seated, and proceeded to ask him certain +questions, in a chatty way, about the habits +of his household, the amount lost, and the like, +expecting thus to get some clue which would +enable me to make my spirits display the +requisite share of sagacity in pointing out the +thief. I learned readily that he was an old +and wealthy man, a little close, too, I suspected, +and that he lived in a large house with but +two servants, and an only son about twenty- +one years old. The servants were both women +who had lived in the household many years, +and were probably innocent. Unluckily, +remembering my own youthful career, I +presently reached the conclusion that the young +man had been the delinquent. When I ventured +to inquire a little as to his habits, the +old gentleman cut me very short, remarking +that he came to ask questions, and not to be +questioned, and that he desired at once to +consult the spirits. Upon this I sat down at +a table, and, after a brief silence, demanded +in a solemn voice if there were any spirits +present. By industriously cracking my big +toe-joint I was enabled to represent at once +the presence of a numerous assembly of these +worthies. Then I inquired if any one of them +had been present when the robbery was +effected. A prompt double knock replied in +the affirmative. I may say here, by the way, +that the unanimity of the spirits as to their +use of two knocks for ``yes'' and one for +``no'' is a very remarkable point, and shows, +if it shows anything, how perfect and universal +must be the social intercourse of the +respected departed. It is worthy of note, also, +that if the spirit--I will not say the medium +--perceives after one knock that it were wiser +to say yes, he can conveniently add the second +tap. Some such arrangement in real life +would, it appears to me, be highly desirable. + +It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, +the French detective. I had just read a translation +of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a +very available spirit to call upon. + +As soon as I explained that the spirit who +answered had been a witness of the theft, the +old man became strangely agitated. ``Who +was it?'' said he. At once the spirit +indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we +went over the letters,--always a slow method, +but useful when you want to observe excitable +people,--my visitor kept saying, ``Quicker-- +go quicker.'' At length the spirit spelled out +the words, ``I know not his name.'' + +``Was it,'' said the gentleman--``was it a-- +was it one of my household?'' + +I knocked ``yes'' without hesitation; who +else, indeed, could it have been? + +``Excuse me,'' he went on, ``if I ask you for +a little whisky.'' + +This I gave him. He continued: ``Was it +Susan or Ellen?'' + +``No, no!'' + +``Was it--'' He paused. ``If I ask a question +mentally, will the spirits reply?'' I knew +what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was +his son, but did not wish to speak openly. + +``Ask,'' said I. + +``I have,'' he returned. + +I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to +commit myself definitely, yet here I fancied, +from the facts of the case and his own terrible +anxiety, that he suspected, or more than +suspected, his son as the guilty person. I +became sure of this as I studied his face. At +all events, it would be easy to deny or explain +in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander +was there in two knocks? I struck twice +as usual. + +Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very +white, but quite firm. ``There,'' he said, and +cast a bank-note on the table, ``I thank you,'' +and bending his head on his breast, walked, +as I thought, with great effort out of the room. + +On the following morning, as I made my +first appearance in my outer room, which +contained at least a dozen persons awaiting +advice, who should I see standing by the window +but the old gentleman with sandy-gray hair? +Along with him was a stout young man with +a head as red as mine, and mustache and +whiskers to match. Probably the son, I +thought--ardent temperament, remorse, come +to confess, etc. I was never more mistaken +in my life. I was about to go regularly +through my patients when the old gentleman +began to speak. + +``I called, doctor,'' said he, ``to explain the +little matter about which I--about which I--'' + +``Troubled your spirits yesterday,'' added +the youth, jocosely, pulling his mustache. + +``Beg pardon,'' I returned; ``had we not +better talk this over in private? Come into +my office,'' I added, touching the younger man +on the arm. + +Would you believe it? he took out his +handkerchief and dusted the place I had touched. +``Better not,'' said he. ``Go on, father; let +us get done with this den.'' + +``Gentlemen,'' said the elder person, addressing +the patients, ``I called here yesterday, like +a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum +of money which I believed I left in my room +on going out in the morning. This doctor +here and his spirits contrived to make me +suspect my only son. Well, I charged him at +once with the crime as soon as I got back +home, and what do you think he did? He +said, `Father, let us go up-stairs and look for +it,' and--'' + +Here the young man broke in with: ``Come, +father; don't worry yourself for nothing''; +and then turning, added: ``To cut the thing +short, he found the notes under his candle- +stick, where he left them on going to bed. +This is all of it. We came here to stop this +fellow'' (by which he meant me) ``from carrying +a slander further. I advise you, good +people, to profit by the matter, and to look up +a more honest doctor, if doctoring be what +you want.'' + +As soon as he had ended, I remarked +solemnly: ``The words of the spirits are not my +words. Who shall hold them accountable?'' + +``Nonsense,'' said the young man. ``Come, +father''; and they left the room. + +Now was the time to retrieve my character. +``Gentlemen,'' said I, ``you have heard this +very singular account. Trusting the spirits +utterly and entirely as I do, it occurs to me +that there is no reason why they may not, +after all, have been right in their suspicions +of this young person. Who can say that, +overcome by remorse, he may not have seized +the time of his father's absence to replace the +money?'' + +To my amazement, up gets a little old man +from the corner. ``Well, you are a low cuss!'' +said he, and taking up a basket beside him, +hobbled hastily out of the room. You may +be sure I said some pretty sharp things to him, +for I was out of humor to begin with, and it +is one thing to be insulted by a stout young +man, and quite another to be abused by a +wretched old cripple. However, he went away, +and I supposed, for my part, that I was done +with the whole business. + +An hour later, however, I heard a rough +knock at my door, and opening it hastily, saw +my red-headed young man with the cripple. + +``Now,'' said the former, taking me by the +collar, and pulling me into the room among +my patients, ``I want to know, my man, if +this doctor said that it was likely I was the +thief after all?'' + +``That's what he said,'' replied the cripple; +``just about that, sir.'' + +I do not desire to dwell on the after +conduct of this hot-headed young man. It was +the more disgraceful as I offered but little +resistance, and endured a beating such as I +would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. +Nor was this all. He warned me that if I +dared to remain in the city after a week he +would shoot me. In the East I should have +thought but little of such a threat, but here +it was only too likely to be practically carried +out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of +character, but with much grief and reluctance, +I collected my whole fortune, which now +amounted to at least seven thousand dollars, +and turned my back upon this ungrateful +town. I am sorry to say that I also left +behind me the last of my good luck. + +I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached +Boston. The country anywhere would have +been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural +pursuits. It seemed an agreeable city, and I +decided to remain. + +I took good rooms at Parker's, and concluding +to enjoy life, amused myself in the company +of certain, I may say uncertain, young +women who danced at some of the theaters. +I played billiards, drank rather too much, +drove fast horses, and at the end of a delightful +year was shocked to find myself in debt, +and with only seven dollars and fifty-three +cents left--I like to be accurate. I had only +one resource: I determined to visit my deaf +aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could +do in the role of the prodigal nephew. At +all events, I should gain time to think of what +new enterprise I could take up; but, above +all, I needed a little capital and a house over +my head. I had pawned nearly everything +of any value which I possessed. + +I left my debts to gather interest, and went +away to Woodbury. It was the day before +Christmas when I reached the little Jersey +town, and it was also by good luck Sunday. +I was hungry and quite penniless. I wandered +about until church had begun, because +I was sure then to find Aunt Rachel and +Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to +explore a little. The house was closed, and +even the one servant absent. I got in with +ease at the back through the kitchen, and +having at least an hour and a half free from +interruption, I made a leisurely search. The +role of prodigal was well enough, but here +was a better chance and an indulgent opportunity. + +In a few moments I found the famous Bible +hid away under Aunt Rachel's mattress. The +Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended +to be moderate enough to escape suspicion. +Here were quite two thousand dollars. I +resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, +so as to keep a good balance. Then, alas! I +lit on a long envelop, my aunt's will. Every +cent was left to Christ Church; not a dime to +poor Pen or to me. I was in a rage. I tore +up the will and replaced the envelop. To +treat poor Pen that way--Pen of all people! +There was a heap more will than testament, +for all it was in the Bible. After that I +thought it was right to punish the old witch, +and so I took every note I could find. When +I was through with this business, I put back +the Bible under the mattress, and observing +that I had been quite too long, I went down- +stairs with a keen desire to leave the town as +early as possible. I was tempted, however, +to look further, and was rewarded by finding +in an old clock case a small reticule stuffed +with bank-notes. This I appropriated, and +made haste to go out. I was too late. As I +went into the little entry to get my hat and +coat, Aunt Rachel entered, followed by Peninnah. + +At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was +a monster and fit for the penitentiary. As +she could not hear at all, she had the talk to +herself, and went by me and up-stairs, +rumbling abuse like distant thunder overhead. + +Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The +pretty fool was seated on a chair, all dressed +up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward +and forward, crying, ``Oh, oh, ah!'' like +a lamb saying, ``Baa, baa, baa!'' She never +had much sense. I had to shake her to get a +reasonable word. She mopped her eyes, and +I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last +decided that I was the person who had thinned +her hoards. This was bad, but involved less +inconvenience than it might have done an +hour earlier. Amid tears Pen told me that a +detective had been at the house inquiring for +me. When this happened it seems that the +poor little goose had tried to fool deaf Aunt +Rachel with some made-up story as to the man +having come about taxes. I suppose the girl +was not any too sharp, and the old woman, I +guess, read enough from merely seeing the +man's lips. You never could keep anything +from her, and she was both curious and +suspicious. She assured the officer that I was a +thief, and hoped I might be caught. I could +not learn whether the man told Pen any +particulars, but as I was slowly getting at the +facts we heard a loud scream and a heavy +fall. + +Pen said, ``Oh, oh!'' and we hurried up- +stairs. There was the old woman on the +floor, her face twitching to right, and her +breathing a sort of hoarse croak. The big +Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what +had happened. It was a fit of apoplexy. + +At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed +to recover her wits, and said: ``Go away, go +away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know +you have stolen her money and killed her, +and--and I loved you, I was so proud of +you! Oh, oh!'' + +This was all very fine, but the advice was +good. I said: ``Yes, I had better go. Run +and get some one--a doctor. It is a fit of +hysterics; there is no danger. I will write +to you. You are quite mistaken.'' + +This was too feeble even for Pen, and she +cried: + +``No, never; I never want to see you again. +You would kill me next.'' + +``Stuff!'' said I, and ran down-stairs. I +seized my coat and hat, and went to the +tavern, where I got a man to drive me to +Camden. I have never seen Pen since. As +I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that +I should have asked when the detective had +been after me. I suspected from Pen's terror +that it had been recently. + +It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, +the day before Christmas. The ground was +covered with snow, and as I walked up Market +street my feet were soon soaked. In my +haste I had left my overshoes. I was very +cold, and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I +kept thinking of what a conspicuous thing a +fire-red head is, and of how many people +knew me. As I reached Woodbury early +and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all +day. I relied on Pen. + +Now I concluded to go down into my old +neighborhood and get a lodging where no +references were asked. Next day I would +secure a disguise and get out of the way. I +had passed the day without food, as I have +just said, and having ample means, concluded +to go somewhere and get a good dinner. It +was now close to three in the afternoon. I +was aware of two things: that I was making +many plans, and giving them up as soon as +made; and that I was suddenly afraid without +cause, afraid to enter an eating-house, +and in fear of every man I met. + +I went on, feeling more and more chilly. +When a man is really cold his mind does not +work well, and now it was blowing a keen +gale from the north. At Second and South +I came plump on a policeman I knew. He +looked at me through the drifting snow, as if +he was uncertain, and twice looked back after +having passed me. I turned west at Christian +street. When I looked behind me the +man was standing at the corner, staring after +me. At the next turn I hurried away northward +in a sort of anguish of terror. I have +said I was an uncommon person. I am. I +am sensitive, too. My mind is much above +the average, but unless I am warm and well +fed it does not act well, and I make mistakes. +At that time I was half frozen, in need of +food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool +squirming on the floor got on to my nerves. +I went on and on, and at last into Second +street, until I came to Christ Church, of all +places for me. I heard the sound of the +organ in the afternoon service. I felt I must +go in and get warm. Here was another silly +notion: I was afraid of hotels, but not of the +church. I reasoned vaguely that it was a +dark day, and darker in the church, and so I +went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat +near the north door. No one noticed me. I +sat still in a high-backed pew, well hid, and +wondering what was the matter with me. It +was curious that a doctor, and a man of my +intelligence, should have been long in guessing +a thing so simple. + +For two months I had been drinking hard, +and for two days had quit, being a man capable +of great self-control, and also being +short of money. Just before the benediction +I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at +me. In deadly fear I got up and quickly +slipped through a door into the tower room. +I said to myself, ``He will follow me or wait +outside.'' I stood a moment with my head +all of a whirl, and then in a shiver of fear +ran up the stairs to the tower until I got +into the bell-ringer's room. I was safe. I +sat down on a stool, twitching and tremulous. +There were the old books on bell-ringing, and +the miniature chime of small bells for +instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and +it swung the eight ropes about in a way I did +not like. I remember saying, ``Oh, don't do +that.'' At last I had a mad desire to ring +one of the bells. As a loop of rope swung +toward me it seemed to hold a face, and this +face cried out, ``Come and hang yourself; +then the bell will ring.'' + +If I slept I do not know. I may have done +so. Certainly I must have stayed there many +hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on +my guard, for when far into the night I +heard noises below, I ran up the steeper +steps which ascend to the steeple, where are +the bells. Half-way up I sat down on the +stair. The place was cold and the darkness +deep. Then I heard the eight ringers down +below. One said: ``Never knowed a Christmas +like this since Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, +boys!'' I knew it must be close on to mid- +night. Now they would play a Christmas +carol. I used every Christmas to be roused +up and carried here and set on dad's shoulder. +When they were done ringing, Number Two +always gave me a box of sugar-plums and a +large red apple. As they rang off, my father +would cry out, ``One, two,'' and so on, and +then cry, ``Elias, all over town people are +opening windows to listen.'' I seemed to +hear him as I sat in the gloom. Then I +heard, ``All ready; one, two,'' and they rang +the Christmas carol. Overhead I heard the +great bells ringing out: + + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. + + +I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum +the air. Great heavens! There was the old +woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going +twitch, twitch, the croak of her breathing +keeping a sort of mad time with ``On Christmas +day, on Christmas day.'' I jumped up. +She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort of way +what was the matter with me, but I had still +the sense to sit down and wait. I said now +it would be snakes, for once before I had +been almost as bad. But what I did see was +a little curly-headed boy in a white frock and +pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg +first; so queer of me to have noticed that. I +knew I was that boy. He was an innocent- +looking little chap, and was smiling. He +seemed to me to grow and grow, and at last +was a big, red-headed man with a live rat in his +hand. I saw nothing more, but I surely +knew I needed whisky. I waited until all +was still, and got down and out, for I knew +every window. I soon found a tavern, and +got a drink and some food. At once my fear +left me. I was warm at last and clear of +head, and had again my natural courage. I +was well aware that I was on the edge of +delirium tremens and must be most prudent. +I paid in advance for my room and treated +myself as I had done many another. Only a +man of unusual force could have managed +his own case as I did. I went out only at +night, and in a week was well enough to +travel. During this time I saw now and +then that grinning little fellow. Sometimes +he had an apple and was eating it. I do not +know why he was worse to me than snakes, +or the twitchy old woman with her wide eyes +of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to right. + +I decided to go back to Boston. I got to +New York prudently in a roundabout way, +and in two weeks' time was traveling east +from Albany. + +I felt well, and my spirits began at last to +rise to their usual level. When I arrived in +Boston I set myself to thinking how best I +could contrive to enjoy life and at the same +time to increase my means. I possessed sufficient +capital, and was able and ready to embark +in whatever promised the best returns +with the smallest personal risks. I settled +myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing +claims, and began to reflect with my ordinary +sagacity. + +We were now in the midst of a most absurd +war with the South, and it was becoming +difficult to escape the net of conscription. It +might be wise to think of this in time. +Europe seemed a desirable residence, but I +needed more money to make this agreeable, +and an investment for my brains was what +I wanted most. Many schemes presented +themselves as worthy the application of +industry and talent, but none of them altogether +suited my case. I thought at times +of traveling as a physiological lecturer, +combining with it the business of a practitioner: +scare the audience at night with an enumeration +of symptoms which belong to ten out of +every dozen healthy people, and then doctor +such of them as are gulls enough to consult +me next day. The bigger the fright the +better the pay. I was a little timid, however, +about facing large audiences, as a man +will be naturally if he has lived a life of +adventure, so that upon due consideration I +gave up the idea altogether. + +The patent medicine business also looked +well enough, but it is somewhat overdone at +all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with +the probable result of ill success. Indeed, I +believe one hundred quack remedies fail for +one that succeeds, and millions must have +been wasted in placards, bills, and advertisements, +which never returned half their value +to the speculator. I think I shall some day +beguile my time with writing an account of +the principal quack remedies which have met +with success. They are few in number, after +all, as any one must know who recalls the +countless pills and tonics which are puffed +awhile on the fences, and disappear, to be +heard of no more. + +Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake +a private insane asylum, which appeared to +me to offer facilities for money-making, as to +which, however, I may have been deceived by +the writings of certain popular novelists. I +went so far, I may say, as actually to visit +Concord for the purpose of finding a pleasant +locality and a suitable atmosphere. Upon +reflection I abandoned my plans, as +involving too much personal labor to suit one +of my easy frame of mind. + +Tired at last of idleness and lounging on +the Common, I engaged in two or three little +ventures of a semi-professional character, +such as an exhibition of laughing-gas, +advertising to cure cancer,--``Send twenty-five +stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an +infallible receipt,''--etc. I did not find, however, +that these little enterprises prospered well in +New England, and I had recalled very forcibly +a story which my father was fond of +relating to me in my boyhood. It was about +how certain very knowing flies went to get +molasses, and how it ended by the molasses +getting them. This, indeed, was precisely +what happened to me in all my efforts to +better myself in the Northern States, until +at length my misfortunes climaxed in total +and unexpected ruin. + +Having been very economical, I had now +about twenty-seven hundred dollars. It was +none too much. At this time I made the +acquaintance of a sea-captain from Maine. +He told me that he and two others had chartered +a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica +with a variety cargo. In fact, he meant to +run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he +was to carry quinine, chloroform, and other +medical requirements for the Confederates. +He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more, +and a doctor to buy the kind of things which +army surgeons require. Of course I was +prudent and he careful, but at last, on his +proving to me that there was no risk, I +agreed to expend his money, his friends', +and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars. +I saw the other men, one of them a +rebel captain. I was well pleased with the +venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to +go with them on the steamer. It was a +promising investment, and I am free to +reflect that in this, as in some other things, I +have been free from vulgar prejudices. I +bought all that we needed, and was well +satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in +the hold. + +We were to sail on a certain Thursday +morning in September, 1863. I sent my +trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening +before we were to start to go on board, +but found that the little steamer had been +hauled out from the pier. The captain, who +met me at this time, endeavored to get a +boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was +blowing, and he advised me to wait until +morning. My associates were already on +board. Early next day I dressed and went +to the captain's room, which proved to be +empty. I was instantly filled with doubt, +and ran frantically to the Long Wharf, +where, to my horror, I could see no signs +of the vessel or captain. Neither have I +ever set eyes on them from that time to this. +I thought of lodging information with the +police as to the unpatriotic design of the +rascal who swindled me, but on the whole +concluded that it was best to hold my tongue. + +It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt +milk as to be little worth lamenting, and I +therefore set to work, with my accustomed +energy, to utilize on my own behalf the +resources of my medical education, which so +often before had saved me from want. The +war, then raging at its height, appeared to +offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. +The path which I chose was apparently a +humble one, but it enabled me to make very +practical use of my professional knowledge, +and afforded for a time rapid and secure +returns, without any other investment than a +little knowledge cautiously employed. In the +first place, I deposited my small remnant of +property in a safe bank. Then I went to +Providence, where, as I had heard, patriotic +persons were giving very large bounties in +order, I suppose, to insure the government +the services of better men than themselves. +On my arrival I lost no time in offering +myself as a substitute, and was readily accepted, +and very soon mustered into the Twentieth +Rhode Island. Three months were passed +in camp, during which period I received +bounty to the extent of six hundred and +fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly +deserted about two hours before the regiment +left for the field. With the product of my +industry I returned to Boston, and deposited +all but enough to carry me to New York, +where within a month I enlisted twice, earning +on each occasion four hundred dollars. + +After this I thought it wise to try the same +game in some of the smaller towns near to +Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace +with a good deal of doubt; but I selected a +regiment in camp at Norristown, which is +eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly +seven hundred dollars by entering the service +as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, +I presume, was mightier than his sword. I +was, however, disagreeably surprised by being +hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy +young lieutenant, who brutally shot down a +poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for +attempting to desert. At this point I began +to make use of my medical skill, for I did +not in the least degree fancy being shot, +either because of deserting or of not deserting. +It happened, therefore, that a day or +two later, while in Washington, I was seized +in the street with a fit, which perfectly +imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused +him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital. +Here I found it necessary to perform fits +about twice a week, and as there were several +real epileptics in the ward, I had a +capital chance of studying their symptoms, +which, finally, I learned to imitate with the +utmost cleverness. + +I soon got to know three or four men who, +like myself, were personally averse to bullets, +and who were simulating other forms of +disease with more or less success. One of +them suffered with rheumatism of the back, +and walked about like an old man; another, +who had been to the front, was palsied in the +right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on +the leg, rubbing in a little antimonial +ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold +him at five dollars a box. + +A change in the hospital staff brought all +of us to grief. The new surgeon was a quiet, +gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes +and clearly cut features, and a way of looking +at you without saying much. I felt so +safe myself that I watched his procedures +with just that kind of enjoyment which one +clever man takes in seeing another at work. + +The first inspection settled two of us. + +``Another back case,'' said the assistant +surgeon to his senior. + +``Back hurt you?'' says the latter, mildly. + +``Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't +never been able to stand straight since.'' + +``A howitzer!'' says the surgeon. ``Lean +forward, my man, so as to touch the floor-- +so. That will do.'' Then turning to his aid, +he said, ``Prepare this man's discharge +papers.'' + +``His discharge, sir?'' + +``Yes; I said that. Who's next?'' + +``Thank you, sir,'' groaned the man with +the back. ``How soon, sir, do you think it +will be?'' + +``Ah, not less than a month,'' replied the +surgeon, and passed on. + +Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like +the letter C, and as the patient presumed that +his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed +himself a little relaxation in the way of +becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice +blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and +one fine morning Smithson was appalled at +finding himself in a detachment bound for +the field, and bearing on his descriptive list +an ill-natured indorsement about his malady. + +The surgeon came next on O'Callahan, +standing, like each of us, at the foot of his +own bed. + +``I've paralytics in my arm,'' he said, with +intention to explain his failure to salute his +superior. + +``Humph!'' said the surgeon; ``you have +another hand.'' + +``An' it's not the rigulation to saloot with +yer left,'' said the Irishman, with a grin, while +the patients around us began to smile. + +``How did it happen?'' said the surgeon. + +``I was shot in the shoulder,'' answered the +patient, ``about three months ago, sir. I +haven't stirred it since.'' + +The surgeon looked at the scar. + +``So recently?'' said he. ``The scar looks +older; and, by the way, doctor,''--to his +junior,--``it could not have gone near the +nerves. Bring the battery, orderly.'' + +In a few moments the surgeon was testing +one after another, the various muscles. At +last he stopped. ``Send this man away with +the next detachment. Not a word, my man. +You are a rascal, and a disgrace to honest +men who have been among bullets.'' + +The man muttered something, I did not +hear what. + +``Put this man in the guard-house,'' cried +the surgeon, and so passed on without smile +or frown. + +As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he +was put in bed, and his leg locked up in a +wooden splint, which effectually prevented +him from touching the part diseased. It +healed in ten days, and he too went as food +for powder. + +The surgeon asked me a few questions, and +requesting to be sent for during my next fit, +left me alone. + +I was, of course, on my guard, and took +care to have my attacks only during his +absence, or to have them over before he arrived. +At length, one morning, in spite of my care, +he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on the +floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in +strong convulsions. Presently I felt a finger +on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the +surgeon standing beside me. To escape his +scrutiny I became more violent in my +motions. He stopped a moment and looked at +me steadily. ``Poor fellow!'' said he, to my +great relief, as I felt at once that I had +successfully deceived him. Then he turned to +the ward doctor and remarked: ``Take care +he does not hurt his head against the bed; +and, by the by, doctor, do you remember the +test we applied in Carstairs's case? Just tickle +the soles of his feet and see if it will cause +those backward spasms of the head.'' + +The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, +I jerked my head backward as hard as I +could. + +``That will answer,'' said the surgeon, to +my horror. ``A clever rogue. Send him to +the guard-house.'' + +Happy had I been had my ill luck ended +here, but as I crossed the yard an officer +stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain +of my old Rhode Island company. + +``Hello!'' said he; ``keep that fellow safe. +I know him.'' + +To cut short a long story, I was tried, +convicted, and forced to refund the Rhode Island +bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank- +book among my papers. I was finally sent +to Fort Delaware and kept at hard labor, +handling and carrying shot, policing the +ground, picking up cigar-stumps, and other +light, unpleasant occupations. + +When the war was over I was released. I +went at once to Boston, where I had about +four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly +all of this sum before I could satisfy the +accumulated cravings of a year and a half without +drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I +was about to engage in a little business as a +vender of lottery policies when I first began +to feel a strange sense of lassitude, which +soon increased so as quite to disable me from +work of any kind. Month after month passed +away, while my money lessened, and this +terrible sense of weariness went on from +bad to worse. At last one day, after nearly +a year had elapsed, I perceived on my face a +large brown patch of color, in consequence +of which I went in some alarm to consult a +well-known physician. He asked me a multitude +of tiresome questions, and at last wrote +off a prescription, which I immediately read. +It was a preparation of arsenic. + +``What do you think,'' said I, ``is the matter +with me, doctor?'' + +``I am afraid,'' said he, ``that you have a +very serious trouble--what we call Addison's +disease.'' + +``What's that?'' said I. + +``I do not think you would comprehend +it,'' he replied; ``it is an affection of the +suprarenal capsules.'' + +I dimly remembered that there were such +organs, and that nobody knew what they +were meant for. It seemed that doctors had +found a use for them at last. + +``Is it a dangerous disease?'' I said. + +``I fear so,'' he answered. + +``Don't you really know,'' I asked, ``what's +the truth about it?'' + +``Well,'' he returned gravely, ``I'm sorry +to tell you it is a very dangerous malady.'' + +``Nonsense!'' said I; ``I don't believe it''; +for I thought it was only a doctor's trick, and +one I had tried often enough myself. + +``Thank you,'' said he; ``you are a very ill +man, and a fool besides. Good morning.'' +He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not +therefore find it necessary to escape payment +by telling him I was a doctor. + +Several weeks went by; my money was +gone, my clothes were ragged, and, like my +body, nearly worn out, and now I am an +inmate of a hospital. To-day I feel weaker +than when I first began to write. How it +will end, I do not know. If I die, the doctor +will get this pleasant history, and if I live, I +shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little +money I will set out to look for my sister. +I dreamed about her last night. What I +dreamed was not very agreeable. I thought +it was night. I was walking up one of the +vilest streets near my old office, and a girl +spoke to me--a shameless, worn creature, +with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, +``Brother, brother!'' and then remembering +what she had been, with her round, girlish, +innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what +she was now, I awoke and saw the dim light +of the half-darkened ward. + +I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff +has amused me and, I think, done me good. +That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I +must tear up all this biography. + +``Hello, nurse! The little boy--boy--'' + + +``GOOD HEAVENS!'' said the nurse, ``he is +dead! Dr. Alston said it would happen this +way. The screen, quick--the screen--and +let the doctor know.'' + + + + + + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +The following notes of my own +case have been declined on various +pretests by every medical +journal to which I have offered +them. There was, perhaps, +some reason in this, because many of the +medical facts which they record are not +altogether new, and because the psychical +deductions to which they have led me are not +in themselves of medical interest. I ought +to add that a great deal of what is here +related is not of any scientific value +whatsoever; but as one or two people on whose +judgment I rely have advised me to print +my narrative with all the personal details, +rather than in the dry shape in which, as a +psychological statement, I shall publish it +elsewhere, I have yielded to their views. I +suspect, however, that the very character of +my record will, in the eyes of some of my +readers, tend to lessen the value of the +metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + + +I am the son of a physician, still in large +practice, in the village of Abington, Scofield +County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his +future partner, I studied medicine in his +office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended lectures +at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. +My second course should have been in +the following year, but the outbreak of the +Rebellion so crippled my father's means that +I was forced to abandon my intention. The +demand for army surgeons at this time +became very great; and although not a graduate, +I found no difficulty in getting the place +of assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana +Volunteers. In the subsequent Western +campaigns this organization suffered so +severely that before the term of its service +was over it was merged in the Twenty-first +Indiana Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, +ranked by the medical officers of the latter +regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth +Indiana Cavalry. Like many physicians, I +had contracted a strong taste for army life, +and, disliking cavalry service, sought and +obtained the position of first lieutenant in +the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an +infantry regiment of excellent character. + +On the day after I assumed command of +my company, which had no captain, we were +sent to garrison a part of a line of block- +houses stretching along the Cumberland +River below Nashville, then occupied by a +portion of the command of General Rosecrans. + +The life we led while on this duty was +tedious and at the same time dangerous in +the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the +water horrible, and we had no cavalry to +forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted +to levy supplies upon the scattered farms +around us, the population seemed suddenly +to double, and in the shape of guerrillas +``potted'' us industriously from behind +distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these +various and unpleasant influences, combined +with a fair infusion of malaria, our men +rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, +no proper medical supplies had been forwarded +with our small force (two companies), +and, as the fall advanced, the want +of quinine and stimulants became a serious +annoyance. Moreover, our rations were +running low; we had been three weeks without +a new supply; and our commanding officer, +Major Henry L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as +to the safety of his men. About this time it was +supposed that a train with rations would be +due from the post twenty miles to the north +of us; yet it was quite possible that it would +bring us food, but no medicines, which were +what we most needed. The command was +too small to detach any part of it, and the +major therefore resolved to send an officer +alone to the post above us, where the rest of +the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence they could +easily forward quinine and stimulants by the +train, if it had not left, or, if it had, by a +small cavalry escort. + +It so happened, to my cost, as it turned +out, that I was the only officer fit to make +the journey, and I was accordingly ordered +to proceed to Blockhouse No. 3 and make +the required arrangements. I started alone +just after dusk the next night, and during +the darkness succeeded in getting within +three miles of my destination. At this time +I found that I had lost my way, and, although +aware of the danger of my act, was forced to +turn aside and ask at a log cabin for +directions. The house contained a dried-up old +woman and four white-headed, half-naked +children. The woman was either stone-deaf +or pretended to be so; but, at all events, she +gave me no satisfaction, and I remounted +and rode away. On coming to the end of a +lane, into which I had turned to seek the +cabin, I found to my surprise that the bars +had been put up during my brief parley. +They were too high to leap, and I therefore +dismounted to pull them down. As I touched +the top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the same +instant felt a blow on both arms, which fell +helpless. I staggered to my horse and tried +to mount; but, as I could use neither arm, +the effort was vain, and I therefore stood still, +awaiting my fate. I am only conscious that +I saw about me several graybacks, for I must +have fallen fainting almost immediately. + +When I awoke I was lying in the cabin +near by, upon a pile of rubbish. Ten or +twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, +apparently drawing lots for my watch, boots, +hat, etc. I now made an effort to find out +how far I was hurt. I discovered that I +could use the left forearm and hand pretty +well, and with this hand I felt the right limb +all over until I touched the wound. The ball +had passed from left to right through the left +biceps, and directly through the right arm +just below the shoulder, emerging behind. +The right arm and forearm were cold and +perfectly insensible. I pinched them as well +as I could, to test the amount of sensation +remaining; but the hand might as well have +been that of a dead man. I began to understand +that the nerves had been wounded, and +that the part was utterly powerless. By this +time my friends had pretty well divided the +spoils, and, rising together, went out. The +old woman then came to me, and said: +``Reckon you'd best git up. They-'uns is +a-goin' to take you away.'' To this I only +answered, ``Water, water.'' I had a grim +sense of amusement on finding that the old +woman was not deaf, for she went out, and +presently came back with a gourdful, which +I eagerly drank. An hour later the graybacks +returned, and finding that I was too +weak to walk, carried me out and laid me on +the bottom of a common cart, with which +they set off on a trot. The jolting was +horrible, but within an hour I began to have in +my dead right hand a strange burning, which +was rather a relief to me. It increased as the +sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt +as if the hand was caught and pinched in a +red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged +my guard for water to wet it with, but for +some reason they desired silence, and at every +noise threatened me with a revolver. At +length the pain became absolutely unendurable, +and I grew what it is the fashion to call +demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled +in my torture, until, as I suppose, my captors +became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a +handkerchief,--my own, I fancy,--and a canteen +of water, with which I wetted the hand, +to my unspeakable relief. + +It is unnecessary to detail the events by +which, finally, I found myself in one of the +rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the +first time, my wounds were properly cleansed +and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, who +treated me throughout with great kindness. +I told him I had been a doctor, which, +perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the +unusual tenderness with which I was managed. +The left arm was now quite easy, +although, as will be seen, it never entirely +healed. The right arm was worse than ever +--the humerus broken, the nerves wounded, +and the hand alive only to pain. I use this +phrase because it is connected in my mind +with a visit from a local visitor,--I am not +sure he was a preacher,--who used to go +daily through the wards, and talk to us or +write our letters. One morning he stopped +at my bed, when this little talk occurred: + +``How are you, lieutenant?'' + +``Oh,'' said I, ``as usual. All right, but this +hand, which is dead except to pain.'' + +``Ah,'' said he, ``such and thus will the +wicked be--such will you be if you die in +your sins: you will go where only pain can +be felt. For all eternity, all of you will be +just like that hand--knowing pain only.'' + +I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I +felt a sudden and chilling horror of possible +universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When +I awoke the hand was worse, if that could be. +It was red, shining, aching, burning, and, as +it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot +files. When the doctor came I begged for +morphia. He said gravely: ``We have none. +You know you don't allow it to pass the +lines.'' It was sadly true. + +I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand +again, my sole relief. In about an hour Dr. +Wilson came back with two aids, and +explained to me that the bone was so crushed +as to make it hopeless to save it, and that, +besides, amputation offered some chance of +arresting the pain. I had thought of this +before, but the anguish I felt--I cannot say +endured--was so awful that I made no more +of losing the limb than of parting with a +tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, +brief preparations were made, which I +watched with a sort of eagerness such as +must forever be inexplicable to any one who +has not passed six weeks of torture like that +which I had suffered. + +I had but one pang before the operation. +As I arranged myself on the left side, so as +to make it convenient for the operator to use +the knife, I asked: ``Who is to give me the +ether?'' ``We have none,'' said the person +questioned. I set my teeth, and said no +more. + +I need not describe the operation. The +pain felt was severe, but it was insignificant +as compared with that of any other minute of +the past six weeks. The limb was removed +very near to the shoulder-joint. As the second +incision was made, I felt a strange flash +of pain play through the limb, as if it were +in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was +followed by instant, unspeakable relief, and +before the flaps were brought together I was +sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as +I pointed to the arm which lay on the floor: +``There is the pain, and here am I. How +queer!'' Then I slept--slept the sleep of +the just, or, better, of the painless. From +this time forward I was free from neuralgia. +At a subsequent period I saw a number of +cases similar to mine in a hospital in Philadelphia. + +It is no part of my plan to detail my weary +months of monotonous prison life in the +South. In the early part of April, 1863, I +was exchanged, and after the usual thirty days' +furlough returned to my regiment a captain. + +On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred +the battle of Chickamauga, in which my regiment +took a conspicuous part. The close of +our own share in this contest is, as it were, +burned into my memory with every least +detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found +ourselves in line, under cover of a long, thin +row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a +gentle slope, from which, again, rose a hill +rather more abrupt, and crowned with an +earthwork. We received orders to cross this +space and take the fort in front, while a +brigade on our right was to make a like +movement on its flank. + +Just before we emerged into the open +ground, we noticed what, I think, was common +in many fights--that the enemy had +begun to bowl round shot at us, probably +from failure of shell. We passed across the +valley in good order, although the men fell +rapidly all along the line. As we climbed +the hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew +heavier. At this moment a battery opened +on our left, the shots crossing our heads +obliquely. It is this moment which is so +printed on my recollection. I can see now, +as if through a window, the gray smoke, lit +with red flashes, the long, wavering line, +the sky blue above, the trodden furrows, +blotted with blue blouses. Then it was as if +the window closed, and I knew and saw no +more. No other scene in my life is thus +scarred, if I may say so, into my memory. I +have a fancy that the horrible shock which +suddenly fell upon me must have had something +to do with thus intensifying the +momentary image then before my eyes. + +When I awakened, I was lying under a tree +somewhere at the rear. The ground was +covered with wounded, and the doctors were +busy at an operating-table, improvised from +two barrels and a plank. At length two of +them who were examining the wounded +about me came up to where I lay. A hospital +steward raised my head and poured +down some brandy and water, while another +cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors +exchanged looks and walked away. I asked +the steward where I was hit. + +``Both thighs,'' said he; ``the doctors won't +do nothing.'' + +``No use?'' said I. + +``Not much,'' said he. + +``Not much means none at all,'' I answered. + +When he had gone I set myself to thinking +about a good many things I had better have +thought of before, but which in no way concern +the history of my case. A half-hour +went by. I had no pain, and did not get +weaker. At last, I cannot explain why, I +began to look about me. At first things +appeared a little hazy. I remember one +thing which thrilled me a little, even then. + +A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to +a doctor near me, saying, ``When you've a +little leisure, just take a look at my side.'' + +``Do it now,'' said the doctor. + +The officer exposed his wound. ``Ball +went in here, and out there.'' + +The doctor looked up at him--half pity, +half amazement. ``If you've got any +message, you'd best send it by me.'' + +``Why, you don't say it's serious?'' was the +reply. + +``Serious! Why, you're shot through the +stomach. You won't live over the day.'' + +Then the man did what struck me as a +very odd thing. He said, ``Anybody got a +pipe?'' Some one gave him a pipe. He filled +it deliberately, struck a light with a flint, and +sat down against a tree near to me. Presently +the doctor came to him again, and +asked him what he could do for him. + +``Send me a drink of Bourbon.'' + +``Anything else?'' + +``No.'' + +As the doctor left him, he called him back. +``It's a little rough, doc, isn't it?'' + +No more passed, and I saw this man no +longer. Another set of doctors were handling +my legs, for the first time causing pain. +A moment after a steward put a towel over +my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of +chloroform, which I was glad enough to +breathe. In a moment the trees began to +move around from left to right, faster and +faster; then a universal grayness came before +me,--and I recall nothing further until +I awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. +I got hold of my own identity in a moment +or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp +cramp in my left leg. I tried to get at it to +rub it with my single arm, but, finding +myself too weak, hailed an attendant. ``Just +rub my left calf,'' said I, ``if you please.'' + +``Calf?'' said he. ``You ain't none. It's +took off.'' + +``I know better,'' said I. ``I have pain in +both legs.'' + +``Wall, I never!'' said he. ``You ain't +got nary leg.'' + +As I did not believe him, he threw off the +covers, and, to my horror, showed me that I +had suffered amputation of both thighs, very +high up. + +``That will do,'' said I, faintly. + +A month later, to the amazement of every +one, I was so well as to be moved from the +crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, +where I filled one of the ten thousand +beds of that vast metropolis of hospitals. Of +the sufferings which then began I shall +presently speak. It will be best just now to +detail the final misfortune which here fell upon +me. Hospital No. 2, in which I lay, was +inconveniently crowded with severely wounded +officers. After my third week an epidemic +of hospital gangrene broke out in my ward. +In three days it attacked twenty persons. +Then an inspector came, and we were transferred +at once to the open air, and placed in +tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my +remaining arm, which still suppurated, was +seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, +bromine, was used locally, but the main +artery opened, was tied, bled again and +again, and at last, as a final resort, the +remaining arm was amputated at the shoulder- +joint. Against all chances I recovered, to +find myself a useless torso, more like some +strange larval creature than anything of +human shape. Of my anguish and horror +of myself I dare not speak. I have dictated +these pages, not to shock my readers, but to +possess them with facts in regard to the +relation of the mind to the body; and I hasten, +therefore, to such portions of my case as best +illustrate these views. + +In January, 1864, I was forwarded to +Philadelphia, in order to enter what was known +as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in +charge of Dr. Hopkinson. This favor was +obtained through the influence of my father's +friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has +always manifested an interest in my case, for +which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, +at the time, that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, +might be able to adapt some form of arm to +my left shoulder, as on that side there +remained five inches of the arm-bone, which I +could move to a moderate extent. The hope +proved illusory, as the stump was always too +tender to bear any pressure. The hospital +referred to was in charge of several surgeons +while I was an inmate, and was at all times +a clean and pleasant home. It was filled with +men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of +each, as happened now and then. I saw one +man who had lost both legs, and one who had +parted with both arms; but none, like myself, +stripped of every limb. There were collected +in this place hundreds of these cases, which +gave to it, with reason enough, the not very +pleasing title of Stump Hospital. + +I spent here three and a half months, +before my transfer to the United States Army +Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the +Nervous System. Every morning I was carried +out in an arm-chair and placed in the library, +where some one was always ready to write or +read for me, or to fill my pipe. The doctors +lent me medical books; the ladies brought me +luxuries and fed me; and, save that I was +helpless to a degree which was humiliating, I +was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + +I amused myself at this time by noting in +my mind all that I could learn from other +limbless folk, and from myself, as to the +peculiar feelings which were noticed in regard +to lost members. I found that the great +mass of men who had undergone amputations +for many months felt the usual consciousness +that they still had the lost limb. +It itched or pained, or was cramped, but +never felt hot or cold. If they had painful +sensations referred to it, the conviction of its +existence continued unaltered for long periods; +but where no pain was felt in it, then +by degrees the sense of having that limb +faded away entirely. I think we may to +some extent explain this. The knowledge +we possess of any part is made up of the +numberless impressions from without which +affect its sensitive surfaces, and which are +transmitted through its nerves to the spinal +nerve-cells, and through them, again, to the +brain. We are thus kept endlessly informed +as to the existence of parts, because the +impressions which reach the brain are, by a law +of our being, referred by us to the part from +which they come. Now, when the part is cut +off, the nerve-trunks which led to it and from +it, remaining capable of being impressed by +irritations, are made to convey to the brain +from the stump impressions which are, as +usual, referred by the brain to the lost parts +to which these nerve-threads belonged. In +other words, the nerve is like a bell-wire. +You may pull it at any part of its course, +and thus ring the bell as well as if you pulled +at the end of the wire; but, in any case, +the intelligent servant will refer the pull to +the front door, and obey it accordingly. The +impressions made on the severed ends of the +nerve are due often to changes in the stump +during healing, and consequently cease when +it has healed, so that finally, in a very healthy +stump, no such impressions arise; the brain +ceases to correspond with the lost leg, and, +as les absents ont toujours tort, it is no longer +remembered or recognized. But in some +cases, such as mine proved at last to my sorrow, +the ends of the nerves undergo a curious +alteration, and get to be enlarged and +altered. This change, as I have seen in my +practice of medicine, sometimes passes up +the nerves toward the centers, and occasions +a more or less constant irritation of the nerve- +fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually +referred by the brain to that part of the lost +limb to which the affected nerve belonged. +This pain keeps the brain ever mindful of +the missing part, and, imperfectly at least, +preserves to the man a consciousness of +possessing that which he has not. + +Where the pains come and go, as they do +in certain cases, the subjective sensations +thus occasioned are very curious, since in +such cases the man loses and gains, and loses +and regains, the consciousness of the presence +of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, +``Now I feel my thumb, now I feel my +little finger.'' I should also add that nearly +every person who has lost an arm above the +elbow feels as though the lost member were +bent at the elbow, and at times is vividly +impressed with the notion that his fingers are +strongly flexed. + +Other persons present a peculiarity which +I am at a loss to account for. Where the +leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as +if the foot were present, but as though the leg +were shortened. Thus, if the thigh has been +taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at +the knee; if the arm, a hand seems to be at +the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + +Before leaving Nashville I had begun to +suffer the most acute pain in my left hand, +especially the little finger; and so perfect was +the idea which was thus kept up of the real +presence of these missing parts that I found +it hard at times to believe them absent. Often +at night I would try with one lost hand to +grope for the other. As, however, I had no +pain in the right arm, the sense of the +existence of that limb gradually disappeared, as +did that of my legs also. + +Everything was done for my neuralgia +which the doctors could think of; and at +length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as +I have said, from the Stump Hospital to the +United States Army Hospital for Injuries +and Diseases of the Nervous System. It was +a pleasant, suburban, old-fashioned country- +seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of +wooden, one-story wards, shaded by fine trees. +There were some three hundred cases of +epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus's dance, and wounds +of nerves. On one side of me lay a poor fellow, +a Dane, who had the same burning neuralgia +with which I once suffered, and which I now +learned was only too common. This man +had become hysterical from pain. He carried +a sponge in his pocket, and a bottle of +water in one hand, with which he constantly +wetted the burning hand. Every sound +increased his torture, and he even poured water +into his boots to keep himself from feeling +too sensibly the rough friction of his soles +when walking. Like him, I was greatly +eased by having small doses of morphia +injected under the skin of my shoulder with a +hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + +As I improved under the morphia treatment, +I began to be disturbed by the horrible +variety of suffering about me. One man +walked sideways; there was one who could +not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. +In fact, every one had his own abnormal +peculiarity. Near me was a strange +case of palsy of the muscles called +rhomboids, whose office it is to hold down the +shoulder-blades flat on the back during the +motions of the arms, which, in themselves, +were strong enough. When, however, he +lifted these members, the shoulder-blades +stood out from the back like wings, and got +him the sobriquet of the ``Angel.'' In my +ward were also the cases of fits, which very +much annoyed me, as upon any great change +in the weather it was common to have a +dozen convulsions in view at once. Dr. Neek, +one of our physicians, told me that on one +occasion a hundred and fifty fits took place +within thirty-six hours. On my complaining +of these sights, whence I alone could not fly, +I was placed in the paralytic and wound +ward, which I found much more pleasant. + +A month of skilful treatment eased me +entirely of my aches, and I then began to +experience certain curious feelings, upon +which, having nothing to do and nothing +to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. +It was a good while before I could correctly +explain to my own satisfaction the phenomena +which at this time I was called upon +to observe. By the various operations +already described I had lost about four fifths +of my weight. As a consequence of this I +ate much less than usual, and could scarcely +have consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept +also but little; for, as sleep is the repose of +the brain, made necessary by the waste of its +tissues during thought and voluntary movement, +and as this latter did not exist in my +case, I needed only that rest which was +necessary to repair such exhaustion of the nerve- +centers as was induced by thinking and the +automatic movements of the viscera. + +I observed at this time also that my heart, +in place of beating, as it once did, seventy- +eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five +times in this interval--a fact to be easily +explained by the perfect quiescence to which +I was reduced, and the consequent absence of +that healthy and constant stimulus to the +muscles of the heart which exercise occasions. + +Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my +physical health was good, which, I confess, +surprised me, for this among other reasons: +It is said that a burn of two thirds of the +surface destroys life, because then all the +excretory matters which this portion of the +glands of the skin evolved are thrown upon +the blood, and poison the man, just as happens +in an animal whose skin the physiologist +has varnished, so as in this way to destroy +its function. Yet here was I, having lost at +least a third of my skin, and apparently none +the worse for it. + +Still more remarkable, however, were the +psychical changes which I now began to perceive. +I found to my horror that at times I +was less conscious of myself, of my own +existence, than used to be the case. This +sensation was so novel that at first it quite +bewildered me. I felt like asking some one +constantly if I were really George Dedlow or +not; but, well aware how absurd I should +seem after such a question, I refrained from +speaking of my case, and strove more keenly +to analyze my feelings. At times the conviction +of my want of being myself was overwhelming +and most painful. It was, as well +as I can describe it, a deficiency in the egoistic +sentiment of individuality. About one half +of the sensitive surface of my skin was gone, +and thus much of relation to the outer world +destroyed. As a consequence, a large part +of the receptive central organs must be out +of employ, and, like other idle things, +degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all the great +central ganglia, which give rise to movements in +the limbs, were also eternally at rest. Thus +one half of me was absent or functionally +dead. This set me to thinking how much a +man might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy +enough to survive, I might part with +my spleen at least, as many a dog has done, +and grown fat afterwards. The other organs +with which we breathe and circulate the blood +would be essential; so also would the liver; +but at least half of the intestines might be +dispensed with, and of course all of the limbs. +And as to the nervous system, the only parts +really necessary to life are a few small ganglia. +Were the rest absent or inactive, we should +have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest +terms, and leading an almost vegetative +existence. Would such a being, I asked myself, +possess the sense of individuality in its usual +completeness, even if his organs of sensation +remained, and he were capable of consciousness? +Of course, without them, he could +not have it any more than a dahlia or a tulip. +But with them--how then? I concluded that +it would be at a minimum, and that, if utter +loss of relation to the outer world were capable +of destroying a man's consciousness of +himself, the destruction of half of his sensitive +surfaces might well occasion, in a less +degree, a like result, and so diminish his +sense of individual existence. + +I thus reached the conclusion that a man +is not his brain, or any one part of it, but all +of his economy, and that to lose any part +must lessen this sense of his own existence. +I found but one person who properly appreciated +this great truth. She was a New England +lady, from Hartford--an agent, I think, +for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. +After I had told her my views and feelings +she said: ``Yes, I comprehend. The fractional +entities of vitality are embraced in the +oneness of the unitary Ego. Life,'' she added, +``is the garnered condensation of objective +impressions; and as the objective is the +remote father of the subjective, so must +individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, +suffer and fade when the sensation lenses, by +which the rays of impression are condensed, +become destroyed.'' I am not quite clear that +I fully understood her, but I think she +appreciated my ideas, and I felt grateful for +her kindly interest. + +The strange want I have spoken of now +haunted and perplexed me so constantly that +I became moody and wretched. While in +this state, a man from a neighboring ward +fell one morning into conversation with the +chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some +of their words arrested my attention, and I +turned my head to see and listen. The +speaker, who wore a sergeant's chevron and +carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely +made person, with a pale face, light eyes of +a washed-out blue tint, and very sparse yellow +whiskers. His mouth was weak, both +lips being almost alike, so that the organ +might have been turned upside down without +affecting its expression. His forehead, +however, was high and thinly covered with sandy +hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, +will feeble; emotional, but not passionate; +likely to be an enthusiast or a weakly bigot. + +I caught enough of what passed to make +me call to the sergeant when the chaplain +left him. + +``Good morning,'' said he. ``How do you +get on?'' + +``Not at all,'' I replied. ``Where were you +hit?'' + +``Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the +shoulder. I have what the doctors call paralysis +of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. +Neek and the lightnin' battery will fix it. +When my time's out I'll go back to Kearsarge +and try on the school-teaching again. +I've done my share.'' + +``Well,'' said I, ``you're better off than I.'' + +``Yes,'' he answered, ``in more ways than +one. I belong to the New Church. It's a +great comfort for a plain man like me, when +he's weary and sick, to be able to turn away +from earthly things and hold converse daily +with the great and good who have left this +here world. We have a circle in Coates +street. If it wa'n't for the consoling I get +there, I'd of wished myself dead many a time. +I ain't got kith or kin on earth; but this +matters little, when one can just talk to them +daily and know that they are in the spheres +above us.'' + +``It must be a great comfort,'' I replied, +``if only one could believe it.'' + +``Believe!'' he repeated. ``How can you +help it? Do you suppose anything dies?'' + +``No,'' I said. ``The soul does not, I am sure; +and as to matter, it merely changes form.'' + +``But why, then,'' said he, ``should not the +dead soul talk to the living? In space, no +doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in +finer, more ethereal being. You can't suppose +a naked soul moving about without a +bodily garment--no creed teaches that; and +if its new clothing be of like substance to +ours, only of ethereal fineness,--a more delicate +recrystallization about the eternal spiritual +nucleus,--must it not then possess +powers as much more delicate and refined as +is the new material in which it is reclad?'' + +``Not very clear,'' I answered; ``but, after +all, the thing should be susceptible of some +form of proof to our present senses.'' + +``And so it is,'' said he. ``Come to-morrow +with me, and you shall see and hear for yourself.'' + +``I will,'' said I, ``if the doctor will lend +me the ambulance.'' + +It was so arranged, as the surgeon in +charge was kind enough, as usual, to oblige +me with the loan of his wagon, and two +orderlies to lift my useless trunk. + +On the day following I found myself, with +my new comrade, in a house in Coates street, +where a ``circle'' was in the daily habit of +meeting. So soon as I had been comfortably +deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large pine +table, the rest of those assembled seated +themselves, and for some time preserved an +unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized +the persons present. Next to me, on +my right, sat a flabby man, with ill-marked, +baggy features and injected eyes. He was, +as I learned afterwards, an eclectic doctor, +who had tried his hand at medicine and several +of its quackish variations, finally settling +down on eclecticism, which I believe professes +to be to scientific medicine what vegetarianism +is to common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next +to him sat a female-authoress, I think, of +two somewhat feeble novels, and much pleasanter +to look at than her books. She was, I +thought, a good deal excited at the prospect +of spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a +pallid, care-worn young woman, with very +red lips, and large brown eyes of great +beauty. She was, as I learned afterwards, +a magnetic patient of the doctor, and had +deserted her husband, a master mechanic, to +follow this new light. The others were, like +myself, strangers brought hither by mere +curiosity. One of them was a lady in deep +black, closely veiled. Beyond her, and +opposite to me, sat the sergeant, and next to +him the medium, a man named Brink. He +wore a good deal of jewelry, and had large +black side-whiskers--a shrewd-visaged, large- +nosed, full-lipped man, formed by nature to +appreciate the pleasant things of sensual +existence. + +Before I had ended my survey, he turned +to the lady in black, and asked if she wished +to see any one in the spirit-world. + +She said, ``Yes,'' rather feebly. + +``Is the spirit present?'' he asked. Upon +which two knocks were heard in affirmation. +``Ah!'' said the medium, ``the name is--it is +the name of a child. It is a male child. It +is--'' + +``Alfred!'' she cried. ``Great Heaven! My +child! My boy!'' + +On this the medium arose, and became +strangely convulsed. ``I see,'' he said--``I +see--a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes--I +see above you, beyond you--'' at the same +time pointing fixedly over her head. + +She turned with a wild start. ``Where-- +whereabouts?'' + +``A blue-eyed boy,'' he continued, ``over +your head. He cries--he says, `Mama, +mama!' '' + +The effect of this on the woman was +unpleasant. She stared about her for a moment, +and exclaiming, ``I come--I am coming, +Alfy!'' fell in hysterics on the floor. + +Two or three persons raised her, and aided +her into an adjoining room; but the rest +remained at the table, as though well accustomed +to like scenes. + +After this several of the strangers were +called upon to write the names of the dead +with whom they wished to communicate. +The names were spelled out by the agency +of affirmative knocks when the correct letters +were touched by the applicant, who was +furnished with an alphabet-card upon which +he tapped the letters in turn, the medium, +meanwhile, scanning his face very keenly. +With some, the names were readily made +out. With one, a stolid personage of +disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at +last the spirits signified by knocks that he +was a disturbing agency, and that while he +remained all our efforts would fail. Upon +this some of the company proposed that he +should leave; of which invitation he took +advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole +performance. + +As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and +whispered to the medium, who next addressed +himself to me. ``Sister Euphemia,'' he said, +indicating the lady with large eyes, ``will +act as your medium. I am unable to do +more. These things exhaust my nervous +system.'' + +``Sister Euphemia,'' said the doctor, ``will +aid us. Think, if you please, sir, of a spirit, +and she will endeavor to summon it to our +circle.'' + +Upon this a wild idea came into my head. +I answered: ``I am thinking as you directed +me to do.'' + +The medium sat with her arms folded, +looking steadily at the center of the table. +For a few moments there was silence. Then +a series of irregular knocks began. ``Are +you present?'' said the medium. + +The affirmative raps were twice given. + +``I should think,'' said the doctor, ``that +there were two spirits present.'' + +His words sent a thrill through my heart. + +``Are there two?'' he questioned. + +A double rap. + +``Yes, two,'' said the medium. ``Will it +please the spirits to make us conscious of +their names in this world?'' + +A single knock. ``No.'' + +``Will it please them to say how they are +called in the world of spirits?'' + +Again came the irregular raps--3, 4, 8, 6; +then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, 7. + +``I think,'' said the authoress, ``they must +be numbers. Will the spirits,'' she said, ``be +good enough to aid us? Shall we use the +alphabet?'' + +``Yes,'' was rapped very quickly. + +``Are these numbers?'' + +``Yes,'' again. + +``I will write them,'' she added, and, doing +so, took up the card and tapped the letters. +The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran +thus as she tapped, in turn, first the letters, +and last the numbers she had already set +down: + +``UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, +Nos. 3486, 3487.'' + +The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + +``Good gracious!'' said I, ``they are MY LEGS +--MY LEGS!'' + +What followed, I ask no one to believe +except those who, like myself, have communed +with the things of another sphere. +Suddenly I felt a strange return of my self- +consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to +speak. A strange wonder filled me, and, to +the amazement of every one, I arose, and, +staggering a little, walked across the room +on limbs invisible to them or me. It was no +wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly reflected, +my legs had been nine months in the strongest +alcohol. At this instant all my new friends +crowded around me in astonishment. Presently, +however, I felt myself sinking slowly. +My legs were going, and in a moment I was +resting feebly on my two stumps upon the +floor. It was too much. All that was left +of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + +I have little to add. I am now at home in +the West, surrounded by every form of kindness +and every possible comfort; but alas! +I have so little surety of being myself that I +doubt my own honesty in drawing my pension, +and feel absolved from gratitude to +those who are kind to a being who is uncertain +of being enough himself to be conscientiously +responsible. It is needless to add +that I am not a happy fraction of a man, +and that I am eager for the day when I shall +rejoin the lost members of my corporeal +family in another and a happier world. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack + diff --git a/old/auqak10.zip b/old/auqak10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..827291e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/auqak10.zip |