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+**The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack**
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+The Autobiography of a Quack
+
+S. Weir Mitchell, MD, LLD
+
+October, 1996  [Etext #693]
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+
+THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK
+AND
+THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW
+
+BY
+S. WEIR MITCHELL, M.D.,
+LL.D. HARVARD AND EDINBURGH
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK 
+THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Both of the tales in this little volume
+appeared originally in the ``Atlantic Monthly''
+as anonymous contributions. I owe to the
+present owners of that journal permission to
+use them. ``The Autobiography of a Quack ''
+has been recast with large additions.
+
+``The Case of George Dedlow'' was not
+written with any intention that it should
+appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the
+Rev. Dr. Furness and forgot it. This gentleman
+sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett Hale.
+He, presuming, I fancy, that every one
+desired to appear in the ``Atlantic,'' offered it
+to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards
+I received a proof and a check. The
+story was inserted as a leading article without
+my name. It was at once accepted by many
+as the description of a real case. Money was
+collected in several places to assist the
+unfortunate man, and benevolent persons went
+to the ``Stump Hospital,'' in Philadelphia, to
+see the sufferer and to offer him aid. The
+spiritual incident at the end of the story was
+received with joy by the spiritualists as a
+valuable proof of the truth of their beliefs.
+                         S. WEIR MITCHELL
+
+
+
+THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK
+
+At this present moment of time
+I am what the doctors call an
+interesting case, and am to be
+found in bed No. 10, Ward
+11, Massachusetts General
+Hospital. I am told that I have what is called
+Addison's disease, and that it is this pleasing
+malady which causes me to be covered with
+large blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However,
+it is a rather grim subject to joke about,
+because, if I believed the doctor who comes
+around every day, and thumps me, and listens
+to my chest with as much pleasure as if I
+were music all through--I say, if I really
+believed him, I should suppose I was going to
+die. The fact is, I don't believe him at all.
+Some of these days I shall take a turn and
+get about again; but meanwhile it is rather
+dull for a stirring, active person like me to
+have to lie still and watch myself getting big
+brown and yellow spots all over me, like a
+map that has taken to growing.
+
+The man on my right has consumption
+--smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs all
+night. The man on my left is a down-easter
+with a liver which has struck work; looks
+like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives
+to whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he
+does, I can't understand. I have tried reading
+and tried whittling, but they don't either of
+them satisfy me, so that yesterday I concluded
+to ask the doctor if he couldn't suggest some
+other amusement.
+
+I waited until he had gone through the
+ward, and then seized my chance, and asked
+him to stop a moment.
+
+``Well, my man,'' said he, ``what do you
+want!''
+
+I thought him rather disrespectful, but I
+replied, ``Something to do, doctor.''
+
+He thought a little, and then said: ``I'll
+tell you what to do. I think if you were to
+write out a plain account of your life it
+would be pretty well worth reading. If half
+of what you told me last week be true, you
+must be about as clever a scamp as there is
+to be met with. I suppose you would just
+as lief put it on paper as talk it.''
+
+``Pretty nearly,'' said I. ``I think I will
+try it, doctor.''
+
+After he left I lay awhile thinking over
+the matter. I knew well that I was what the
+world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I
+had got little good out of the fact. If a man
+is what people call virtuous, and fails in life,
+he gets credit at least for the virtue; but
+when a man is a--is--well, one of liberal
+views, and breaks down, somehow or other
+people don't credit him with even the
+intelligence he has put into the business. This
+I call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction
+the energy and skill with which I did
+my work, I should be nothing but disgusted
+at the melancholy spectacle of my failure.
+I suppose that I shall at least find occupation
+in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore,
+for my own satisfaction, I shall try to
+amuse my convalescence by writing a plain,
+straightforward account of the life I have
+led, and the various devices by which I have
+sought to get my share of the money of my
+countrymen. It does appear to me that I
+have had no end of bad luck.
+
+As no one will ever see these pages, I find it 
+pleasant to recall for my own satisfaction the
+fact that I am really a very remarkable man.
+I am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five
+feet eleven, with a lot of curly red hair, and
+blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another
+unusual thing. My hands have often been
+noticed. I get them from my mother, who was
+a Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father,
+he was rather common. He was a little man,
+red and round like an apple, but very strong,
+for a reason I shall come to presently. The
+family must have had a pious liking for Bible
+names, because he was called Zebulon, my
+sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not
+a name for a gentleman. At one time I
+thought of changing it, but I got over it
+by signing myself ``E. Sanderaft.''
+
+Where my father was born I do not know,
+except that it was somewhere in New Jersey,
+for I remember that he was once angry
+because a man called him a Jersey Spaniard.
+I am not much concerned to write about my
+people, because I soon got above their level;
+and as to my mother, she died when I was
+an infant. I get my manners, which are
+rather remarkable, from her.
+
+My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept
+house for us, was a queer character. She 
+had a snug little property, about seven
+thousand dollars. An old aunt left her the money
+because she was stone-deaf. As this defect
+came upon her after she grew up, she still
+kept her voice. This woman was the cause
+of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she
+is uncomfortable, wherever she is. I think
+with satisfaction that I helped to make her
+life uneasy when I was young, and worse
+later on. She gave away to the idle poor
+some of her small income, and hid the rest,
+like a magpie, in her Bible or rolled in her
+stockings, or in even queerer places. The
+worst of her was that she could tell what
+people said by looking at their lips; this I
+hated. But as I grew and became intelligent,
+her ways of hiding her money proved useful,
+to me at least. As to Peninnah, she was
+nothing special until she suddenly bloomed
+out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to
+ribbons, and liked what she called ``keeping
+company.'' She ran errands for every one,
+waited on my aunt, and thought I was a
+wonderful person--as indeed I was. I never
+could understand her fondness for helping
+everybody. A fellow has got himself to
+think about, and that is quite enough. I
+was told pretty often that I was the most 
+selfish boy alive. But, then, I am an
+unusual person, and there are several names
+for things.
+
+My father kept a small shop for the sale
+of legal stationery and the like, on Fifth
+street north of Chestnut. But his chief
+interest in life lay in the bell-ringing of
+Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and
+the whole business was in the hands of a
+kind of guild which is nearly as old as the
+church. I used to hear more of it than I
+liked, because my father talked of nothing
+else. But I do not mean to bore myself
+writing of bells. I heard too much about
+``back shake,'' ``raising in peal,'' ``scales,''
+and ``touches,'' and the Lord knows what.
+
+My earliest remembrance is of sitting on
+my father's shoulder when he led off the
+ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by
+reason of this exercise. With one foot
+caught in a loop of leather nailed to the
+floor, he would begin to pull No. 1, and by
+and by the whole peal would be swinging,
+and he going up and down, to my joy; I used
+to feel as if it was I that was making the
+great noise that rang out all over the town.
+My familiar acquaintance with the old church
+and its lumber-rooms, where were stored the 
+dusty arms of William and Mary and George
+II., proved of use in my later days.
+
+My father had a strong belief in my
+talents, and I do not think he was mistaken.
+As he was quite uneducated, he determined
+that I should not be. He had saved enough
+to send me to Princeton College, and when I
+was about fifteen I was set free from the
+public schools. I never liked them. The last
+I was at was the high school. As I had to
+come down-town to get home, we used to
+meet on Arch street the boys from the
+grammar-school of the university, and there
+were fights every week. In winter these
+were most frequent, because of the snow-
+balling. A fellow had to take his share or be
+marked as a deserter. I never saw any
+personal good to be had out of a fight, but it
+was better to fight than to be cobbed. That
+means that two fellows hold you, and the
+other fellows kick you with their bent knees.
+It hurts.
+
+I find just here that I am describing a
+thing as if I were writing for some other
+people to see. I may as well go on that way.
+After all, a man never can quite stand off
+and look at himself as if he was the only
+person concerned. He must have an audience, 
+or make believe to have one, even if it
+is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I
+be unwilling, if it were safe, to let people
+see how great ability may be defeated by the
+crankiness of fortune.
+
+I may add here that a stone inside of a
+snowball discourages the fellow it hits. But
+neither our fellows nor the grammar-school
+used stones in snowballs. I rather liked it.
+If we had a row in the springtime we all
+threw stones, and here was one of those bits
+of stupid custom no man can understand;
+because really a stone outside of a snowball
+is much more serious than if it is mercifully
+padded with snow. I felt it to be a
+rise in life when I got out of the society of the
+common boys who attended the high school.
+
+When I was there a man by the name of
+Dallas Bache was the head master. He had a
+way of letting the boys attend to what he called
+the character of the school. Once I had to
+lie to him about taking another boy's ball.
+He told my class that I had denied the charge,
+and that he always took it for granted that a
+boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough
+what would happen. It did. After that I
+was careful.
+
+Princeton was then a little college, not 
+expensive, which was very well, as my father
+had some difficulty to provide even the
+moderate amount needed.
+
+I soon found that if I was to associate with
+the upper set of young men I needed money.
+For some time I waited in vain. But in my
+second year I discovered a small gold-mine, on
+which I drew with a moderation which shows
+even thus early the strength of my character.
+
+I used to go home once a month for a
+Sunday visit, and on these occasions I was often
+able to remove from my aunt's big Bible a
+five- or ten-dollar note, which otherwise would
+have been long useless.
+
+Now and then I utilized my opportunities
+at Princeton. I very much desired certain
+things like well-made clothes, and for these
+I had to run in debt to a tailor. When he
+wanted pay, and threatened to send the bill
+to my father, I borrowed from two or three
+young Southerners; but at last, when they
+became hard up, my aunt's uncounted hoard
+proved a last resource, or some rare chance
+in a neighboring room helped me out. I
+never did look on this method as of permanent
+usefulness, and it was only the temporary
+folly of youth.
+
+Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, 
+I took no large amount of education,
+although I was fond of reading, and especially
+of novels, which are, I think, very
+instructive to the young, especially the novels
+of Smollett and Fielding.
+
+There is, however, little need to dwell on
+this part of my life. College students in
+those days were only boys, and boys are very
+strange animals. They have instincts. They
+somehow get to know if a fellow does not
+relate facts as they took place. I like to put
+it that way, because, after all, the mode of
+putting things is only one of the forms of
+self-defense, and is less silly than the
+ordinary wriggling methods which boys employ,
+and which are generally useless. I was rather
+given to telling large stories just for the fun
+of it and, I think, told them well. But somehow
+I got the reputation of not being strictly
+definite, and when it was meant to indicate
+this belief they had an ill-mannered way of
+informing you. This consisted in two or
+three fellows standing up and shuffling noisily
+with their feet on the floor. When first I
+heard this I asked innocently what it meant,
+and was told it was the noise of the bearers'
+feet coming to take away Ananias. This was
+considered a fine joke.
+
+During my junior year I became unpopular,
+and as I was very cautious, I cannot see
+why. At last, being hard up, I got to be
+foolishly reckless. But why dwell on the
+failures of immaturity?
+
+The causes which led to my leaving Nassau
+Hall were not, after all, the mischievous
+outbreaks in which college lads indulge.
+Indeed, I have never been guilty of any of
+those pieces of wanton wickedness which
+injure the feelings of others while they lead
+to no useful result. When I left to return
+home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon
+the necessity of greater care in following out
+my inclinations, and from that time forward
+I have steadily avoided, whenever it was
+possible, the vulgar vice of directly possessing
+myself of objects to which I could show no
+legal title. My father was indignant at the
+results of my college career; and, according
+to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had some
+effect in shortening his life. My sister
+believed my account of the matter. It ended
+in my being used for a year as an assistant
+in the shop, and in being taught to ring bells
+--a fine exercise, but not proper work for a
+man of refinement. My father died while
+training his bell-ringers in the Oxford triple 
+bob--broke a blood-vessel somewhere. How
+I could have caused that I do not see.
+
+I was now about nineteen years old, and,
+as I remember, a middle-sized, well-built
+young fellow, with large eyes, a slight
+mustache, and, I have been told, with very good
+manners and a somewhat humorous turn.
+Besides these advantages, my guardian held
+in trust for me about two thousand dollars.
+After some consultation between us, it was
+resolved that I should study medicine. This
+conclusion was reached nine years before the
+Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled,
+for the sake of economy, in Woodbury,
+New Jersey. From this time I saw very little
+of my deaf aunt or of Peninnah. I was resolute
+to rise in the world, and not to be weighted
+by relatives who were without my tastes and
+my manners.
+
+I set out for Philadelphia, with many good
+counsels from my aunt and guardian. I look
+back upon this period as a turning-point of
+my life. I had seen enough of the world
+already to know that if you can succeed
+without exciting suspicion, it is by far the
+pleasantest way; and I really believe that
+if I had not been endowed with so fatal a
+liking for all the good things of life I might 
+have lived along as reputably as most men.
+This, however, is, and always has been, my
+difficulty, and I suppose that I am not
+responsible for the incidents to which it gave
+rise. Most men have some ties in life, but I
+have said I had none which held me. Peninnah
+cried a good deal when we parted, and
+this, I think, as I was still young, had a very
+good effect in strengthening my resolution to
+do nothing which could get me into trouble.
+The janitor of the college to which I went
+directed me to a boarding-house, where I
+engaged a small third-story room, which I
+afterwards shared with Mr. Chaucer of Georgia.
+He pronounced it, as I remember, ``Jawjah.''
+
+In this very remarkable abode I spent the
+next two winters, and finally graduated,
+along with two hundred more, at the close
+of my two years of study. I should previously
+have been one year in a physician's
+office as a student, but this regulation was
+very easily evaded. As to my studies, the
+less said the better. I attended the quizzes,
+as they call them, pretty closely, and, being
+of a quick and retentive memory, was thus
+enabled to dispense with some of the six or
+seven lectures a day which duller men found
+it necessary to follow.
+
+Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty
+business for a gentleman, and on this
+account I did just as little as was absolutely
+essential. In fact, if a man took his tickets
+and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled
+himself as to whether or not he did any more
+than this. A like evil existed at the
+graduation: whether you squeezed through or
+passed with credit was a thing which was
+not made public, so that I had absolutely
+nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told
+that it is all very different to-day.
+
+The astonishment with which I learned of
+my success was shared by the numerous
+Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors
+and perfumed with tobacco the rooms of our
+boarding-house. In my companions, during
+the time of my studies so called, as in other
+matters of life, I was somewhat unfortunate.
+All of them were Southern gentlemen, with
+more money than I had. Many of them carried
+great sticks, usually sword-canes, and
+some bowie-knives or pistols; also, they
+delighted in swallow-tailed coats, long hair,
+broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight
+boots. I often think of these gentlemen
+with affectionate interest, and wonder how
+many are lying under the wheat-fields of 
+Virginia. One could see them any day
+sauntering along with their arms over their
+companions' shoulders, splendidly indifferent to
+the ways of the people about them. They
+hated the ``Nawth'' and cursed the Yankees,
+and honestly believed that the leanest of
+them was a match for any half a dozen of
+the bulkiest of Northerners. I must also do
+them the justice to say that they were quite
+as ready to fight as to brag, which, by the
+way, is no meager statement. With these
+gentry--for whom I retain a respect which
+filled me with regret at the recent course of
+events--I spent a good deal of my large
+leisure. The more studious of both sections
+called us a hard crowd. What we did, or
+how we did it, little concerns me here, except
+that, owing to my esteem for chivalric blood
+and breeding, I was led into many practices
+and excesses which cost my guardian and
+myself a good deal of money. At the close
+of my career as a student I found myself aged
+twenty-one years, and the owner of some
+seven hundred dollars--the rest of my small
+estate having disappeared variously within
+the last two years. After my friends had
+gone to their homes in the South I began to
+look about me for an office, and finally settled 
+upon very good rooms in one of the down-
+town localities of the Quaker City. I am not
+specific as to the number and street, for
+reasons which may hereafter appear. I liked
+the situation on various accounts. It had
+been occupied by a doctor; the terms were
+reasonable; and it lay on the skirts of a
+good neighborhood, while below it lived a
+motley population, among which I expected
+to get my first patients and such fees as were
+to be had. Into this new home I moved my
+medical text-books, a few bones, and myself.
+Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign,
+upon which was distinctly to be read:
+
+             DR. E. SANDERAFT.
+   Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M.
+
+
+I felt now that I had done my fair share
+toward attaining a virtuous subsistence, and
+so I waited tranquilly, and without undue
+enthusiasm, to see the rest of the world do
+its part in the matter. Meanwhile I read up
+on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at
+home all through my office hours, and at
+intervals explored the strange section of the
+town which lay to the south of my office. I
+do not suppose there is anything like it else 
+where. It was then filled with grog-shops,
+brothels, slop-shops, and low lodging-houses.
+You could dine for a penny on soup made
+from the refuse meats of the rich, gathered
+at back gates by a horde of half-naked children,
+who all told varieties of one woeful
+tale. Here, too, you could be drunk for five
+cents, and be lodged for three, with men,
+women, and children of all colors lying about
+you. It was this hideous mixture of black
+and white and yellow wretchedness which
+made the place so peculiar. The blacks
+predominated, and had mostly that swollen,
+reddish, dark skin, the sign in this race of
+habitual drunkenness. Of course only the
+lowest whites were here--rag-pickers,
+pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, and the
+like. All of this, as it came before me, I
+viewed with mingled disgust and philosophy.
+I hated filth, but I understood that society
+has to stand on somebody, and I was only
+glad that I was not one of the undermost
+and worst-squeezed bricks.
+
+I can hardly believe that I waited a month
+without having been called upon by a single
+patient. At last a policeman on our beat
+brought me a fancy man with a dog-bite.
+This patient recommended me to his brother, 
+the keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and
+by very slow degrees I began to get stray
+patients who were too poor to indulge in up-
+town doctors. I found the police very useful
+acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar
+now and then, I got most of the cases of cut
+heads and the like at the next station-house.
+These, however, were the aristocrats of my
+practice; the bulk of my patients were soap-
+fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, hose-house
+bummers, and worse, with other and nameless
+trades, men and women, white, black,
+or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips,
+and quarters with which I was reluctantly
+paid, I do not know; that, indeed, was none
+of my business. They expected to pay,
+and they came to me in preference to the
+dispensary doctor, two or three squares away,
+who seemed to me to spend most of his days
+in the lanes and alleys about us. Of course
+he received no pay except experience, since
+the dispensaries in the Quaker City, as a
+rule, do not give salaries to their doctors;
+and the vilest of the poor prefer a ``pay
+doctor'' to one of these disinterested gentlemen,
+who cannot be expected to give their
+best brains for nothing, when at everybody's
+beck and call. I am told, indeed I know, 
+that most young doctors do a large amount
+of poor practice, as it is called; but, for my
+own part, I think it better for both parties
+when the doctor insists upon some compensation
+being made to him. This has been
+usually my own custom, and I have not found
+reason to regret it.
+
+Notwithstanding my strict attention to my
+own interests, I have been rather sorely dealt
+with by fate upon several occasions, where,
+so far as I could see, I was vigilantly doing
+everything in my power to keep myself out
+of trouble or danger. I may as well relate
+one of them, merely to illustrate of how little
+value a man's intellect may be when fate and
+the prejudices of the mass of men are against
+him.
+
+One evening, late, I myself answered a ring
+at the bell, and found a small black boy on
+the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch,
+curled darkness for hair, and teeth like new
+tombstones. It was pretty cold, and he was
+relieving his feet by standing first on one
+and then on the other. He did not wait for
+me to speak.
+
+``Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come
+quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 Bedford
+street.''
+
+The locality did not look like pay, but
+it is hard to say in this quarter, because
+sometimes you found a well-to-do ``brandy-
+snifter'' (local for gin-shop) or a hard-working
+``leather-jeweler'' (ditto for shoemaker), with
+next door, in a house better or worse, dozens
+of human rats for whom every police trap in
+the city was constantly set.
+
+With a doubt in my mind as to whether I
+should find a good patient or some dirty nigger,
+I sought the place to which I had been
+directed. I did not like its looks; but I
+blundered up an alley and into a back room,
+where I fell over somebody, and was cursed
+and told to lie down and keep easy, or
+somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would
+make me. At last I lit on a staircase which
+led into the alley, and, after much useless
+inquiry, got as high as the garret. People
+hereabout did not know one another, or did not
+want to know, so that it was of little avail
+to ask questions. At length I saw a light
+through the cracks in the attic door, and
+walked in. To my amazement, the first person
+I saw was a woman of about thirty-five,
+in pearl-gray Quaker dress--one of your
+quiet, good-looking people. She was seated
+on a stool beside a straw mattress upon 
+which lay a black woman. There were three
+others crowded close around a small stove,
+which was red-hot--an unusual spectacle in
+this street. Altogether a most nasty den.
+
+As I came in, the little Quaker woman got
+up and said: ``I took the liberty of sending
+for thee to look at this poor woman. I am
+afraid she has the smallpox. Will thee be so
+kind as to look at her?'' And with this she
+held down the candle toward the bed.
+
+``Good gracious!'' I said hastily, seeing
+how the creature was speckled ``I didn't
+understand this, or I would not have come.
+I have important cases which I cannot subject
+to the risk of contagion. Best let her
+alone, miss,'' I added, ``or send her to the
+smallpox hospital.''
+
+Upon my word, I was astonished at the
+little woman's indignation. She said just
+those things which make you feel as if somebody
+had been calling you names or kicking
+you--Was I really a doctor? and so on. It
+did not gain by being put in the
+ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. However, I
+never did fancy smallpox, and what could a
+fellow get by doctoring wretches like these?
+So I held my tongue and went away. About
+a week afterwards I met Evans, the dispensary 
+man, a very common fellow, who was
+said to be frank.
+
+``Helloa!'' says he. ``Doctor, you made a
+nice mistake about that darky at No. 709
+Bedford street the other night. She had
+nothing but measles, after all.''
+
+``Of course I knew,'' said I, laughing; ``but
+you don't think I was going in for dispensary
+trash, do you?''
+
+``I should think not,'' said Evans.
+
+I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker
+had taken an absurd fancy to the man
+because he had doctored the darky and would
+not let the Quakeress pay him. The end
+was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the
+Southwark Dispensary, where they do pay
+the doctors, Miss Barker was malignant
+enough to take advantage of my oversight
+by telling the whole story to the board; so
+that Evans got in, and I was beaten.
+
+You may be pretty sure that I found rather
+slow the kind of practice I have described,
+and began to look about for chances of
+bettering myself. In this sort of locality rather
+risky cases turned up now and then; and as
+soon as I got to be known as a reliable man,
+I began to get the peculiar sort of practice I
+wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I
+found myself, at the close of three years, with
+all my means spent, and just able to live
+meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no
+means suited a man of my refined tastes.
+
+Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt,
+and was able to secure moderate aid by
+overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to
+these changes of property I was careful, and
+did not venture to secure the large amount I
+needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time
+hidden, and I judged it, therefore, to be her
+chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly
+distrusted.
+
+Six months went by, and I was worse off
+than ever--two months in arrears of rent,
+and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and
+liquor-dealers. Now and then some good job,
+such as a burglar with a cut head, helped me
+for a while; but, on the whole, I was like
+Slider Downeyhylle in Neal's ``Charcoal
+Sketches,'' and kept going ``downer and
+downer'' the more I tried not to. Something
+had to be done.
+
+It occurred to me, about this time, that if
+I moved into a more genteel locality I might
+get a better class of patients, and yet keep
+the best of those I now had. To do this it
+was necessary to pay my rent, and the more 
+so because I was in a fair way to have no
+house at all over my head. But here fortune
+interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm
+on Seventh Street, and ran to catch an
+omnibus. As I pulled open the door I saw
+behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker.
+I laughed and jumped in. She had to run a
+little before the 'bus again stopped. She got
+pretty wet. An old man in the corner, who
+seemed in the way of taking charge of other
+people's manners, said to me: ``Young man,
+you ought to be ashamed to get in before the
+lady, and in this pour, too!''
+
+I said calmly, ``But you got in before her.''
+
+He made no reply to this obvious fact, as
+he might have been in the bus a half-hour.
+A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a
+laugh, ``Rather neat, that,'' and, turning, tried
+to pull up a window-sash. In the effort
+something happened, and he broke the glass,
+cutting his hand in half a dozen places.
+While he was using several quite profane
+phrases, I caught his hand and said, ``I am a
+surgeon,'' and tied my handkerchief around
+the bleeding palm.
+
+The guardian of manners said, ``I hope you
+are not much hurt, but there was no reason
+why you should swear.''
+
+On this my patient said, ``Go to ----,''
+which silenced the monitor.
+
+I explained to the wounded man that the
+cuts should be looked after at once. The
+matter was arranged by our leaving the 'bus,
+and, as the rain had let up, walking to his
+house. This was a large and quite luxurious
+dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for
+his wounds, which, as I had informed him,
+required immediate attention. It was at this
+time summer, and his wife and niece, the
+only other members of his family, were
+absent. On my second visit I made believe
+to remove some splinters of glass which I
+brought with me. He said they showed how
+shamefully thin was that omnibus window-
+pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the
+end of the month,--for one wound was long
+in healing,--presented me with one hundred
+dollars. This paid my small rental, and as
+Mr. Poynter allowed me to refer to him, I
+was able to get a better office and bedroom on
+Spruce street. I saw no more of my patient
+until winter, although I learned that he was
+a stock-broker, not in the very best repute,
+but of a well-known family.
+
+Meanwhile my move had been of small use.
+I was wise enough, however, to keep up my 
+connection with my former clients, and
+contrived to live. It was no more than that.
+One day in December I was overjoyed to see
+Mr. Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very
+pale, and never, to my remembrance, without a
+permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and
+now at once I saw that he wanted something.
+
+I hated the way that man saw through me.
+He went on without hesitation, taking me
+for granted. He began by saying he had
+confidence in my judgment, and when a man
+says that you had better look out. He said
+he had a niece who lived with him, a brother's
+child; that she was out of health and ought
+not to marry, which was what she meant to
+do. She was scared about her health,
+because she had a cough, and had lost a brother
+of consumption. I soon came to understand
+that, for reasons unknown to me, my friend
+did not wish his niece to marry. His wife,
+he also informed me, was troubled as to the
+niece's health. Now, he said, he wished to
+consult me as to what he should do. I
+suspected at once that he had not told me all.
+
+I have often wondered at the skill with
+which I managed this rather delicate matter.
+I knew I was not well enough known
+to be of direct use, and was also too young 
+to have much weight. I advised him to get
+Professor C.
+
+Then my friend shook his head. He said
+in reply, ``But suppose, doctor, he says there
+is nothing wrong with the girl?''
+
+Then I began to understand him.
+
+``Oh,'' I said, ``you get a confidential
+written opinion from him. You can make it what
+you please when you tell her.''
+
+He said no. It would be best for me to
+ask the professor to see Miss Poynter; might
+mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I
+was to get his opinion in writing.
+
+``Well?'' said I.
+
+``After that I want you to write me a joint
+opinion to meet the case--all the needs of
+the case, you see.''
+
+I saw, but hesitated as to how much would
+make it worth while to pull his hot chestnuts
+out of the fire--one never knows how hot
+the chestnuts are.
+
+Then he said, ``Ever take a chance in
+stocks?''
+
+I said, ``No.''
+
+He said that he would lend me a little
+money and see what he could do with it. And
+here was his receipt from me for one thousand
+dollars, and here, too, was my order to 
+buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to
+Sign it? I did.
+
+I was to call in two days at his house, and
+meantime I could think it over. It seemed
+to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the
+young woman--well, supposing is awfully
+destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I
+had only to misunderstand the professor's
+opinion. I went to the house, and talked to
+Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter
+came in, and began to lament her niece's
+declining health. After that I saw Miss
+Poynter. There is a kind of innocent-looking
+woman who knows no more of the world
+than a young chicken, and is choke-full of
+emotions. I saw it would be easy to frighten
+her. There are some instruments anybody
+can get any tune they like out of. I was
+very grave, and advised her to see the
+professor. And would I write to ask him, said
+Mr. Poynter. I said I would.
+
+As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked:
+``You will clear some four hundred easy.
+Write to the professor. Bring my receipt
+to the office next week, and we will settle.''
+
+We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave
+him one for fifteen hundred dollars, and
+received in notes five hundred dollars.
+
+In a day or so I had a note from the
+professor stating that Miss Poynter was in no
+peril; that she was, as he thought, worried,
+and had only a mild bronchial trouble. He
+advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured
+to reassure my young patient. Now, this
+was a little more than I wanted. However,
+I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought
+she had bronchitis, that in her case tubercle
+would be very apt to follow, and that at present,
+and until she was safe, we considered
+marriage undesirable.
+
+Mr. Poynter said it might have been put
+stronger, but he would make it do. He made
+it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics.
+The final result was that she eloped with
+her lover, because if she was to die, as she
+wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her
+husband's arms. Human nature plus hysteria
+will defy all knowledge of character. This
+was what our old professor of practice used
+to say.
+
+Mr. Poynter had now to account for a
+large trust estate which had somehow dwindled.
+Unhappily, princes are not the only
+people in whom you must not put your trust.
+As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to
+know the facts, and cut me dead. It was 
+unpleasant, but I had my five hundred
+dollars, and--I needed them. I do not see how
+I could have been more careful.
+
+After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter
+broke, and did not even pay my last bill. I
+had to accept several rather doubtful cases,
+and once a policeman I knew advised me
+that I had better be on my guard.
+
+But, really, so long as I adhered to the
+common code of my profession I was in danger
+of going without my dinner.
+
+Just as I was at my worst and in despair
+something always turned up, but it was sure
+to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see
+me, and Peninnah wrote me goody-goody
+letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable
+to find certain bank-notes she had hidden,
+and vowed I had taken them. This Peninnah
+did not think possible. I agreed
+with her. The notes were found somewhat
+later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my
+aunt's old slippers. Of course I wrote an
+indignant letter. My aunt declared that
+Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored
+them when they were missed. Poor Peninnah!
+This did not seem to me very likely,
+but Peninnah did love fine clothes.
+
+One night, as I was debating with myself 
+as to how I was to improve my position, I
+heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to
+the door, let in a broad-shouldered man with
+a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He
+wore a heavy black beard and mustache, and
+looked like the wolf in the pictures of Red
+Riding-hood which I had seen as a child.
+
+``Your name's Sanderaft?'' said the man.
+
+``Yes; that's my name--Dr. Sanderaft.''
+
+As he sat down he shook the snow over
+everything, and said coolly: ``Set down, doc;
+I want to talk with you.''
+
+``What can I do for you?'' said I.
+
+The man looked around the room rather
+scornfully, at the same time throwing back
+his coat and displaying a red neckerchief
+and a huge garnet pin. ``Guess you're not
+overly rich,'' he said.
+
+``Not especially,'' said I. ``What's that
+your business?''
+
+He did not answer, but merely said,
+``Know Simon Stagers?''
+
+``Can't say I do,'' said I, cautiously. Simon
+was a burglar who had blown off two fingers
+when mining a safe. I had attended him
+while he was hiding.
+
+``Can't say you do. Well, you can lie, and
+no mistake. Come, now, doc. Simon says 
+you're safe, and I want to have a leetle
+plain talk with you.''
+
+With this he laid ten gold eagles on the
+table. I put out my hand instinctively.
+
+``Let 'em alone,'' cried the man, sharply.
+``They're easy earned, and ten more like 'em.''
+
+``For doing what?'' I said.
+
+The man paused a moment, and looked
+around him; next he stared at me, and loosened
+his cravat with a hasty pull. ``You're
+the coroner,'' said he.
+
+``I! What do you mean?''
+
+``Yes, you're the coroner; don't you
+understand?'' and so saying, he shoved the gold
+pieces toward me.
+
+``Very good,'' said I; ``we will suppose I'm
+the coroner. What next?''
+
+``And being the coroner,'' said he, ``you get
+this note, which requests you to call at No. 9
+Blank street to examine the body of a young
+man which is supposed--only supposed, you
+see--to have--well, to have died under
+suspicious circumstances.''
+
+``Go on,'' said I.
+
+``No,'' he returned; ``not till I know how
+you like it. Stagers and another knows it;
+and it wouldn't be very safe for you to split,
+besides not making nothing out of it. But 
+what I say is this, Do you like the business
+of coroner?''
+
+I did not like it; but just then two
+hundred in gold was life to me, so I said: ``Let
+me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.''
+
+``That's square enough,'' said the man.
+``My wife's got''--correcting himself with
+a shivery shrug--``my wife had a brother
+that took to cutting up rough because when
+I'd been up too late I handled her a leetle
+hard now and again.
+
+``Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just
+then--you see, he lived with us. When he
+got better I guessed he'd drop all that; but
+somehow he was worse than ever--clean off
+his head, and strong as an ox. My wife said
+to put him away in an asylum. I didn't
+think that would do. At last he tried to get
+out. He was going to see the police about--
+well--the thing was awful serious, and my
+wife carrying on like mad, and wanting
+doctors. I had no mind to run, and something
+had got to be done. So Simon Stagers and
+I talked it over. The end of it was, he took
+worse of a sudden, and got so he didn't know
+nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. He
+said it was a perforation, and there ought to
+have been a doctor when he was first took sick.
+
+``Well, the man died, and as I kept about
+the house, my wife had no chance to talk.
+The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a
+certificate. I thought we were done with it.
+But my wife she writes a note and gives it to
+a boy in the alley to put in the post. We
+suspicioned her, and Stagers was on the
+watch. After the boy got away a bit, Simon
+bribed him with a quarter to give him the
+note, which wasn't no less than a request to
+the coroner to come to the house to-morrow
+and make an examination, as foul play was
+suspected--and poison.''
+
+When the man quit talking he glared at
+me. I sat still. I was cold all over. I was
+afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides
+which, I did not doubt that there was a good
+deal of money in the case.
+
+``Of course,'' said I, ``it's nonsense; only
+I suppose you don't want the officers about,
+and a fuss, and that sort of thing.''
+
+``Exactly,'' said my friend. ``It's all bosh
+about poison. You're the coroner. You
+take this note and come to my house. Says
+you: `Mrs. File, are you the woman that
+wrote this note? Because in that case I must
+examine the body.' ''
+
+``I see,'' said I; ``she needn't know who I 
+am, or anything else; but if I tell her it's all
+right, do you think she won't want to know
+why there isn't a jury, and so on?''
+
+``Bless you,'' said the man, ``the girl isn't
+over seventeen, and doesn't know no more
+than a baby. As we live up-town miles
+away, she won't know anything about you.''
+
+``I'll do it,'' said I, suddenly, for, as I saw,
+it involved no sort of risk; ``but I must have
+three hundred dollars.''
+
+``And fifty,'' added the wolf, ``if you do it
+well.''
+
+Then I knew it was serious.
+
+With this the man buttoned about him a
+shaggy gray overcoat, and took his leave
+without a single word in addition.
+
+A minute later he came back and said:
+``Stagers is in this business, and I was to
+remind you of Lou Wilson,--I forgot that,--
+the woman that died last year. That's all.''
+Then he went away, leaving me in a cold
+sweat. I knew now I had no choice. I
+understood why I had been selected.
+
+For the first time in my life, that night I
+couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, at last,
+that I would get up early, pack a few clothes,
+and escape, leaving my books to pay as they
+might my arrears of rent. Looking out of 
+the window, however, in the morning, I saw
+Stagers prowling about the opposite pavement;
+and as the only exit except the street
+door was an alleyway which opened along-
+side of the front of the house, I gave myself
+up for lost. About ten o'clock I took my case
+of instruments and started for File's house,
+followed, as I too well understood, by Stagers.
+
+I knew the house, which was in a small up-
+town street, by its closed windows and the
+craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched.
+However, it was too late to draw back, and I
+therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A haggard-
+looking young woman came down, and led
+me into a small parlor, for whose darkened
+light I was thankful enough.
+
+``Did you write this note?''
+
+``I did,'' said the woman, ``if you're the
+coroner. Joe File--he's my husband--he's
+gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it
+was his, I do.''
+
+``What do you suspect?'' said I.
+
+``I'll tell you,'' she returned in a whisper.
+``I think he was made away with. I think
+there was foul play. I think he was poisoned.
+That's what I think.''
+
+``I hope you may be mistaken,'' said I.
+``Suppose you let me see the body.''
+
+``You shall see it,'' she replied; and following
+her, I went up-stairs to a front chamber,
+where I found the corpse.
+
+``Get it over soon,'' said the woman, with
+strange firmness. ``If there ain't no murder
+been done I shall have to run for it; if there
+was''--and her face set hard--``I guess I'll
+stay.'' With this she closed the door and
+left me with the dead.
+
+If I had known what was before me I
+never could have gone into the thing at all.
+It looked a little better when I had opened
+a window and let in plenty of light; for
+although I was, on the whole, far less afraid
+of dead than living men, I had an absurd
+feeling that I was doing this dead man a
+distinct wrong--as if it mattered to the
+dead, after all! When the affair was over,
+I thought more of the possible consequences
+than of its relation to the dead man himself;
+but do as I would at the time, I was in a
+ridiculous funk, and especially when going
+through the forms of a post-mortem examination.
+
+I am free to confess now that I was
+careful not to uncover the man's face, and that
+when it was over I backed to the door and
+hastily escaped from the room. On the stairs 
+opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with her
+bonnet on and a bundle in her hand.
+
+``Well,'' said she, rising as she spoke, and
+with a certain eagerness in her tone, ``what
+killed him? Was it poison?''
+
+``Poison, my good woman!'' said I. ``When
+a man has typhoid fever he don't need poison
+to kill him. He had a relapse, that's all.''
+
+``And do you mean to say he wasn't
+poisoned,'' said she, with more than a trace of
+disappointment in her voice--``not poisoned
+at all?''
+
+``No more than you are,'' said I. ``If I had
+found any signs of foul play I should have
+had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said
+about it the better. The fact is, it would
+have been much wiser to have kept quiet at
+the beginning. I can't understand why you
+should have troubled me about it at all. The
+man had a perforation. It is common enough
+in typhoid.''
+
+``That's what the doctor said--I didn't
+believe him. I guess now the sooner I leave
+the better for me.''
+
+``As to that,'' I returned, ``it is none of my
+business; but you may rest certain about the
+cause of your brother's death.''
+
+My fears were somewhat quieted that 
+evening when Stagers and the wolf appeared
+with the remainder of the money, and I
+learned that Mrs. File had fled from her
+home and, as File thought likely, from the
+city also. A few months later File himself
+disappeared, and Stagers found his way for
+the third time into the penitentiary. Then I
+felt at ease. I now see, for my own part,
+that I was guilty of more than one mistake,
+and that I displayed throughout a want of
+intelligence. I ought to have asked more,
+and also might have got a good fee from
+Mrs. File on account of my services as
+coroner. It served me, however, as a good
+lesson; but it was several months before I
+felt quite comfortable.
+
+Meanwhile money became scarce once more,
+and I was driven to my wit's end to devise
+how I should continue to live as I had done.
+I tried, among other plans, that of keeping
+certain pills and other medicines, which I
+sold to my patients; but on the whole I found
+it better to send all my prescriptions to one
+druggist, who charged the patient ten or
+twenty cents over the correct price, and
+handed this amount to me.
+
+In some cases I am told the percentage is
+supposed to be a donation on the part of the 
+apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient
+pays for it in the end. It is one of the absurd
+vagaries of the profession to discountenance
+the practice I have described, but I
+wish, for my part, I had never done anything
+more foolish or more dangerous. Of course
+it inclines a doctor to change his medicines a
+good deal, and to order them in large quantities,
+which is occasionally annoying to the
+poor; yet, as I have always observed, there is
+no poverty as painful as your own, so that I
+prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among
+many rather than to concentrate it on myself.
+That's a rather neat phrase.
+
+About six months after the date of this
+annoying adventure, an incident occurred which
+altered somewhat, and for a time improved,
+my professional position. During my morning
+office-hour an old woman came in, and
+putting down a large basket, wiped her face
+with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and
+afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then
+she looked around uneasily, got up, settled
+her basket on her arm with a jerk which may
+have decided the future of an egg or two, and
+remarked briskly: ``Don't see no little bottles
+about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You
+ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?''
+
+With great presence of mind, I replied:
+``Well, ma'am, that depends upon what you
+want. Some of my patients like one, and
+some like the other.'' I was about to add,
+``You pay your money and you take your
+choice,'' but thought better of it, and held my
+peace, refraining from classical quotation.
+
+``Being as that's the case,'' said the old lady,
+``I'll just tell you my symptoms. You said
+you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?''
+
+``Just so,'' replied I.
+
+``Clams or oysters, whichever opens most
+lively, as my old Joe says--tends the oyster-
+stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?''
+
+No, I did not know Joe; but what were the
+symptoms?
+
+They proved to be numerous, and included
+a stunning in the head and a misery in the
+side, with bokin after victuals.
+
+I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope
+over her ample bosom, though what I
+heard on this and similar occasions I should
+find it rather difficult to state. I remember
+well my astonishment in one instance where,
+having unconsciously applied my instrument
+over a clamorous silver watch in the watch-
+fob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a
+moment that he was suffering from a rather
+
+remarkable displacement of the heart. As to
+my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and
+who kept an apple-stand near by, I told her
+that I was out of pills just then, but would
+have plenty next day. Accordingly, I
+proceeded to invest a small amount at a place
+called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I
+remember amused me immensely.
+
+A stout little German, with great silver
+spectacles, sat behind a counter containing
+numerous jars of white powders labeled
+concisely ``Lac.,'' ``Led.,'' ``Onis.,'' ``Op.,''
+``Puls.,'' etc., while behind him were shelves
+filled with bottles of what looked like minute
+white shot.
+
+``I want some homeopathic medicine,''
+said I.
+
+``Vat kindt?'' said my friend. ``Vat you
+vants to cure!''
+
+I explained at random that I wished to
+treat diseases in general.
+
+``Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,'' and
+thereon produced a large box containing bottles
+of small pills and powders, labeled variously
+with the names of the diseases, so that
+all you required was to use the headache or
+colic bottle in order to meet the needs of
+those particular maladies.
+
+I was struck at first with the exquisite
+simplicity of this arrangement; but before
+purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the
+leaves of a book, in two volumes, which lay
+on the counter; it was called ``Jahr's Manual.''
+Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon
+``Lachesis,'' which proved to my amazement
+to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to
+be indicated for use in upward of a hundred
+symptoms. At once it occurred to me that
+``Lach.'' was the medicine for my money, and
+that it was quite needless to waste cash on
+the box. I therefore bought a small jar of
+``Lach.'' and a lot of little pills, and started
+for home.
+
+My old woman proved a fast friend; and
+as she sent me numerous patients, I by and
+by altered my sign to ``Homeopathic Physician
+and Surgeon,'' whatever that may mean,
+and was regarded by my medical brothers as
+a lost sheep, and by the little-pill doctors as
+one who had seen the error of his ways.
+
+In point of fact, my new practice had
+decided advantages. All pills looked and tasted
+alike, and the same might be said of the
+powders, so that I was never troubled by those
+absurd investigations into the nature of
+remedies which some patients are prone to 
+make. Of course I desired to get business,
+and it was therefore obviously unwise to give
+little pills of ``Lac.,'' or ``Puls.,'' or ``Sep.,''
+when a man needed a dose of oil, or a white-
+faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the
+useful discovery that it was only necessary
+to prescribe cod-liver oil, for instance, as a
+diet, in order to make use of it where
+required. When a man got impatient over an
+ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I
+could persuade him to let me try a good dose
+of quinine; while, on the other hand, there
+was a distinct pecuniary advantage in those
+cases of the shakes which could be made to
+believe that it ``was best not to interfere
+with nature.'' I ought to add that this kind
+of faith is uncommon among folks who carry
+hods or build walls.
+
+For women who are hysterical, and go
+heart and soul into the business of being
+sick, I have found the little pills a most
+charming resort, because you cannot carry
+the refinement of symptoms beyond what my
+friend Jahr has done in the way of fitting
+medicines to them, so that if I had taken
+seriously to practising this double form of
+therapeutics, it had, as I saw, certain
+conveniences.
+
+Another year went by, and I was beginning
+to prosper in my new mode of life. My
+medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with
+variations as to the labels) cost next to nothing;
+and as I charged pretty well for both these
+and my advice, I was now able to start a gig.
+
+I solemnly believe that I should have
+continued to succeed in the practice of my
+profession if it had not happened that fate was
+once more unkind to me, by throwing in my
+path one of my old acquaintances. I had a
+consultation one day with the famous homeopath
+Dr. Zwanzig. As we walked away we
+were busily discussing the case of a poor
+consumptive fellow who previously had lost
+a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr.
+Zwanzig considered that the ten-thousandth
+of a grain of aurum would be an overdose,
+and that it must be fractioned so as to allow
+for the departed leg, otherwise the rest of the
+man would be getting a leg-dose too much.
+I was particularly struck with this view of
+the case, but I was still more, and less
+pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former
+patient Stagers, who nodded to me familiarly
+from the opposite pavement.
+
+I was not at all surprised when, that
+evening quite late, I found this worthy waiting in 
+my office. I looked around uneasily, which
+was clearly understood by my friend, who
+retorted: ``Ain't took nothin' of yours, doc.
+You don't seem right awful glad to see me.
+You needn't be afraid--I've only fetched
+you a job, and a right good one, too.''
+
+I replied that I had my regular business,
+that I preferred he should get some one else,
+and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware
+that I had had enough of him. I did not ask
+him to sit down, and, just as I supposed him
+about to leave, he seated himself with a grin,
+remarking, ``No use, doc; got to go into it
+this one time.''
+
+At this I, naturally enough, grew angry
+and used several rather violent phrases.
+
+``No use, doc,'' said Stagers.
+
+Then I softened down, and laughed a little,
+and treated the thing as a joke, whatever it
+was, for I dreaded to hear.
+
+But Stagers was fate. Stagers was
+inevitable. ``Won't do, doc--not even money
+wouldn't get you off.''
+
+``No?'' said I, interrogatively, and as coolly
+as I could, contriving at the same time to
+move toward the window. It was summer,
+the sashes were up, the shutters half drawn
+in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging 
+opposite, as I had noticed when I entered.
+I would give Stagers a scare, charge him
+with theft--anything but get mixed up with
+his kind again. It was the folly of a moment
+and I should have paid dear for it.
+
+He must have understood me, the scoundrel,
+for in an instant I felt a cold ring of
+steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on
+my cravat. ``Sit down,'' he said. ``What a
+fool you are! Guess you forgot that there
+coroner's business and the rest.'' Needless to
+say that I obeyed. ``Best not try that again,''
+continued my guest. ``Wait a moment'';
+and rising, he closed the window.
+
+There was no resource left but to listen;
+and what followed I shall condense rather
+than relate it in the language employed by
+Mr. Stagers.
+
+It appeared that my other acquaintance
+Mr. File had been guilty of a cold-blooded
+and long-premeditated murder, for which he
+had been tried and convicted. He now lay
+in jail awaiting his execution, which was to
+take place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed
+that with Stagers and others he had formed
+a band of expert counterfeiters in the West.
+Their business lay in the manufacture of
+South American currencies. File had thus 
+acquired a fortune so considerable that I was
+amazed at his having allowed his passion to
+seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his
+agony he unfortunately thought of me, and
+had bribed Stagers largely in order that he
+might be induced to find me. When the
+narration had reached this stage, and I had
+been made fully to understand that I was now
+and hereafter under the sharp eye of Stagers
+and his friends, that, in a word, escape was
+out of the question, I turned on my tormentor.
+
+``What does all this mean?'' I said.
+``What does File expect me to do?''
+
+``Don't believe he exactly knows,'' said
+Stagers. ``Something or other to get him
+clear of hemp.''
+
+``But what stuff!'' I replied. ``How can I
+help him? What possible influence could
+I exert?''
+
+``Can't say,'' answered Stagers, imperturbably.
+``File has a notion you're 'most cunning
+enough for anything. Best try something, doc.''
+
+``And what if I won't do it?'' said I.
+``What does it matter to me if the rascal
+swings or no?''
+
+``Keep cool, doc,'' returned Stagers. ``I'm
+only agent in this here business. My principal,
+that's File, he says: `Tell Sanderaft
+to find some way to get me clear. Once out,
+I give him ten thousand dollars. If he don't
+turn up something that will suit, I'll blow
+about that coroner business and Lou Wilson,
+and break him up generally.' ''
+
+``You don't mean,'' said I, in a cold sweat
+--``you don't mean that, if I can't do this
+impossible thing, he will inform on me?''
+
+``Just so,'' returned Stagers. ``Got a
+cigar, doc?''
+
+I only half heard him. What a frightful
+position! I had been leading a happy and an
+increasingly profitable life--no scrapes and
+no dangers; and here, on a sudden, I had
+presented to me the alternative of saving a
+wretch from the gallows or of spending
+unlimited years in a State penitentiary. As
+for the money, it became as dead leaves for
+this once only in my life. My brain seemed
+to be spinning round. I grew weak all over.
+
+``Cheer up a little,'' said Stagers. ``Take
+a nip of whisky. Things ain't at the worst,
+by a good bit. You just get ready, and we'll
+start by the morning train. Guess you'll try
+out something smart enough as we travel
+along. Ain't got a heap of time to lose.''
+
+I was silent. A great anguish had me in
+its grip. I might squirm as I would, it was
+all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind,
+born of this agony of terror. I might murder
+Stagers, but what good would that do?
+As to File, he was safe from my hand. At
+last I became too confused to think any
+longer. ``When do we leave?'' I said feebly.
+
+``At six to-morrow,'' he returned.
+
+How I was watched and guarded, and how
+hurried over a thousand miles of rail to my
+fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful
+to recall it to memory. Above all, an aching
+eagerness for revenge upon the man who had
+caused me these sufferings was uppermost in
+my mind. Could I not fool the wretch and
+save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into
+my consciousness. Then it grew and formed
+itself, became possible, probable, seemed to
+me sure. ``Ah,'' said I, ``Stagers, give me
+something to eat and drink.'' I had not
+tasted food for two days.
+
+Within a day or two after my arrival, I
+was enabled to see File in his cell, on the
+plea of being a clergyman from his native
+place.
+
+I found that I had not miscalculated my
+danger. The man did not appear to have the 
+least idea as to how I was to help him. He
+only knew that I was in his power, and he
+used his control to insure that something
+more potent than friendship should be
+enlisted in his behalf. As the days went by,
+his behavior grew to be a frightful thing to
+witness. He threatened, flattered, implored,
+offered to double the sum he had promised
+if I would save him. My really reasonable
+first thought was to see the governor of the
+State, and, as Stagers's former physician,
+make oath to his having had many attacks of
+epilepsy followed by brief periods of homicidal
+mania. He had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic
+epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was in a
+distant city. The time was short, and the
+case against my man too clear. Stagers said
+it would not do. I was at my wit's end.
+``Got to do something,'' said File, ``or I'll
+attend to your case, doc.''
+
+``But,'' said I, ``suppose there is really
+nothing?''
+
+``Well,'' said Stagers to me when we were
+alone, ``you get him satisfied, anyhow. He'll
+never let them hang him, and perhaps--well,
+I'm going to give him these pills when I get
+a chance. He asked to have them. But
+what's your other plan?''
+
+Stagers knew as much about medicine as
+a pig knows about the opera. So I set to
+work to delude him, first asking if he could
+secure me, as a clergyman, an hour alone
+with File just before the execution. He said
+money would do it, and what was my plan?
+
+``Well,'' said I, ``there was once a man
+named Dr. Chovet. He lived in London. A
+gentleman who turned highwayman was to
+be hanged. You see,'' said I, ``this was about
+1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and
+the hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the
+man's windpipe, very low down where it could
+be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they
+hanged him only a little while, and the breath
+went in and out of the opening below the
+noose, he was only just insensible when his
+friends got him--''
+
+``And he got well,'' cried Stagers, much
+pleased with my rather melodramatic tale.
+
+``Yes,'' I said, ``he got well, and lived to
+take purses, all dressed in white. People had
+known him well, and when he robbed his
+great-aunt, who was not in the secret, she
+swore she had seen his ghost.''
+
+Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed
+it would work; small town, new business, lots
+of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to 
+save a man is said to have been made, but, by
+ill luck, the man did not recover. It answered
+my purpose, but how any one, even such an
+ass as this fellow, could believe it could
+succeed puzzles me to this day.
+
+File became enthusiastic over my scheme,
+and I cordially assisted his credulity. The
+thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the
+business blew up or--and I shuddered--
+until File, in despair, took his pill. I should
+in any case find it wise to leave in haste.
+
+My friend Stagers had some absurd
+misgivings lest Mr. File's neck might be broken
+by the fall; but as to this I was able to
+reassure him upon the best scientific authority.
+There were certain other and minor questions,
+as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete
+arrest of the supply of blood to the brain;
+but with these physiological refinements I
+thought it needlessly cruel to distract a man
+in File's peculiar position. Perhaps I shall
+be doing injustice to my own intellect if I do
+not hasten to state again that I had not the
+remotest belief in the efficacy of my plan for
+any purpose except to get me out of a very
+uncomfortable position and give me, with
+time, a chance to escape.
+
+Stagers and I were both disguised as clergy-
+men, and were quite freely admitted to the
+condemned man's cell. In fact, there was in
+the little town a certain trustful simplicity
+about all their arrangements. The day but
+one before the execution Stagers informed
+me that File had the pills, which he, Stagers,
+had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed
+pleased with our plan. I was not. He was
+really getting uneasy and suspicious of me--
+as I was soon to find out.
+
+So far our plans, or rather mine, had
+worked to a marvel. Certain of File's old
+accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman
+to shorten the time of suspension.
+Arrangements were made to secure me two
+hours alone with the prisoner, so that
+nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool
+business. I had assured Stagers that I
+would not need to see File again previous to
+the operation; but in the forenoon of the day
+before that set for the execution I was seized
+with a feverish impatience, which luckily
+prompted me to visit him once more. As
+usual, I was admitted readily, and nearly
+reached his cell when I became aware, from the
+sound of voices heard through the grating in
+the door, that there was a visitor in the cell.
+``Who is with him?'' I inquired of the turnkey.
+
+``The doctor,'' he replied.
+
+``Doctor?'' I said, pausing. ``What doctor?''
+
+``Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back
+in half an hour to let him out; but he's got
+a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will
+you wait?''
+
+``No,'' I replied; ``it is hardly right to
+interrupt them. I will walk in the corridor for
+ten minutes or so, and then you can come
+back to let me into the cell.''
+
+``Very good,'' he returned, and left me.
+
+As soon as I was alone, I cautiously
+advanced until I stood alongside of the door,
+through the barred grating of which I was
+able readily to hear what went on within.
+The first words I caught were these:
+
+``And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a
+man's windpipe was open, the hanging would
+kill him--are you sure?''
+
+``Yes, I believe there would be no doubt
+of it. I cannot see how escape would be
+possible. But let me ask you why you have
+sent for me to ask these singular questions.
+You cannot have the faintest hope of escape,
+and least of all in such a manner as this. I
+advise you to think about the fate which is
+inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to
+reflect upon.''
+
+``But,'' said File, ``if I wanted to try this
+plan of mine, couldn't some one be found to
+help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand
+or so by it? I mean a really good doctor.''
+Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my
+skill, and meant to get some one to aid me.
+
+``If you mean me,'' answered the doctor,
+``some one cannot be found, neither for
+twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides,
+if any one were wicked enough to venture on
+such an attempt, he would only be deceiving
+you with a hope which would be utterly vain.
+You must be off your head.''
+
+I understood all this with an increasing
+fear in my mind. I had meant to get away
+that night at all risks. I saw now that I must
+go at once.
+
+After a pause he said: ``Well, doctor, you
+know a poor devil in my fix will clutch at
+straws. Hope I have not offended you.''
+
+``Not in the least,'' returned the doctor.
+``Shall I send you Mr. Smith?'' This was
+my present name; in fact, I was known as
+the Rev. Eliphalet Smith.
+
+``I would like it,'' answered File; ``but as
+you go out, tell the warden I want to see
+him immediately about a matter of great
+importance.''
+
+At this stage I began to apprehend very
+distinctly that the time had arrived when it
+would be wiser for me to delay escape no
+longer. Accordingly, I waited until I heard
+the doctor rise, and at once stepped quietly
+away to the far end of the corridor. I had
+scarcely reached it when the door which
+closed it was opened by a turnkey who had
+come to relieve the doctor and let me into the
+cell. Of course my peril was imminent. If
+the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the
+prisoner, immediate disclosure would follow.
+If some lapse of time were secured before the
+warden obeyed the request from File that he
+should visit him, I might gain thus a much-
+needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore
+said to the officer: ``Tell the warden that the
+doctor wishes to remain an hour longer with
+the prisoner, and that I shall return myself
+at the end of that time.''
+
+``Very good, sir,'' said the turnkey, allowing
+me to pass out, and, as he followed me,
+relocking the door of the corridor. ``I'll tell
+him,'' he said. It is needless to repeat that
+I never had the least idea of carrying out the
+ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded
+File and Stagers, but so far Stagers's watchfulness
+had given me no chance to escape.
+
+In a few moments I was outside of the
+jail gate, and saw my fellow-clergyman, Mr.
+Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie,
+coming down the street toward me. As
+usual, he was on his guard; but this time
+he had to deal with a man grown perfectly
+desperate, with everything to win and
+nothing to lose. My plans were made, and,
+wild as they were, I thought them worth the
+trying. I must evade this man's terrible
+watch. How keen it was, you cannot imagine;
+but it was aided by three of the
+infamous gang to which File had belonged,
+for without these spies no one person could
+possibly have sustained so perfect a system.
+
+I took Stagers's arm. ``What time,'' said I,
+``does the first train start for Dayton?''
+
+``At twelve. What do you want?''
+
+``How far is it?''
+
+``About fifteen miles,'' he replied.
+
+``Good. I can get back by eight o'clock
+to-night.''
+
+``Easily,'' said Stagers, ``if you go. What
+do you want?''
+
+``I want a smaller tube to put in the wind-
+pipe--must have it, in fact.''
+
+``Well, I don't like it,'' said he, ``but the
+thing's got to go through somehow. If you 
+must go, I will go along myself. Can't lose
+sight of you, doc, just at present. You're
+monstrous precious. Did you tell File?''
+
+``Yes,'' said I; ``he's all right. Come.
+We've no time to lose.''
+
+Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we
+were seated in the last car of a long train,
+and running at the rate of twenty miles an
+hour toward Dayton. In about ten minutes
+I asked Stagers for a cigar.
+
+``Can't smoke here,'' said he.
+
+``No,'' I answered; ``of course not. I'll go
+forward into the smoking-car.''
+
+``Come along,'' said he, and we went
+through the train.
+
+I was not sorry he had gone with me when
+I found in the smoking-car one of the spies
+who had been watching me so constantly.
+Stagers nodded to him and grinned at me,
+and we sat down together.
+
+``Chut!'' said I, ``left my cigar on the
+window-ledge in the hindmost car. Be back
+in a moment.''
+
+This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed
+me to leave unaccompanied. I hastened
+through to the nearer end of the hindmost
+car, and stood on the platform. I instantly
+cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, 
+waiting until the two cars ran together, I
+tugged at the connecting-pin. As the cars
+came together, I could lift it a little, then as
+the strain came on the coupling the pin held
+fast. At last I made a great effort, and out
+it came. The car I was on instantly lost
+speed, and there on the other platform, a
+hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his
+fist at me. He was beaten, and he knew it.
+In the end few people have been able to get
+ahead of me.
+
+The retreating train was half a mile away
+around the curve as I screwed up the brake
+on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to
+a stand. I did not wait for it to stop entirely
+before I slipped off the steps, leaving the
+other passengers to dispose of themselves as
+they might until their absence should be
+discovered and the rest of the train return.
+
+As I wish rather to illustrate my very
+remarkable professional career than to amuse
+by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not
+linger to tell how I succeeded, at last, in
+reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I had never
+ceased to anticipate the moment when escape
+from File and his friends would be possible,
+so that I always carried about with me the
+very small funds with which I had hastily 
+provided myself upon leaving. The whole
+amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but
+with this, and a gold watch worth twice as
+much, I hoped to be able to subsist until my
+own ingenuity enabled me to provide more
+liberally for the future. Naturally enough,
+I scanned the papers closely to discover some
+account of File's death and of the disclosures
+concerning myself which he was only
+too likely to have made.
+
+I came at last on an account of how he had
+poisoned himself, and so escaped the hangman.
+I never learned what he had said about me,
+but I was quite sure he had not let me off easy.
+I felt that this failure to announce his confessions
+was probably due to a desire on the part
+of the police to avoid alarming me. Be this
+as it may, I remained long ignorant as to
+whether or not the villain betrayed my part
+in that unusual coroner's inquest.
+
+Before many days I had resolved to make
+another and a bold venture. Accordingly
+appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement
+to the effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the
+well-known German physician, who had spent
+two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge
+of Indian medicine, was prepared to
+treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. 
+Dr. von Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis
+for two weeks, and was to be found at the
+Grayson House every day from ten until two
+o'clock.
+
+To my delight, I got two patients the first
+day. The next I had twice as many, when at
+once I hired two connecting rooms, and made
+a very useful arrangement, which I may
+describe dramatically in the following way:
+
+There being two or three patients waiting
+while I finished my cigar and morning julep,
+enters a respectable-looking old gentleman
+who inquires briskly of the patients if this is
+really Dr. von Ingenhoff's. He is told it is.
+My friend was apt to overact his part. I
+had often occasion to ask him to be less
+positive.
+
+``Ah,'' says he, ``I shall be delighted to see
+the doctor. Five years ago I was scalped on
+the Plains, and now''--exhibiting a well-covered
+head--``you see what the doctor did for
+me. 'T isn't any wonder I've come fifty
+miles to see him. Any of you been scalped,
+gentlemen?''
+
+To none of them had this misfortune
+arrived as yet; but, like most folks in the lower
+ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it
+was pleasant to find a genial person who
+would listen to their account of their own
+symptoms.
+
+Presently, after hearing enough, the old
+gentleman pulls out a large watch. ``Bless
+me! it's late. I must call again. May I
+trouble you, sir, to say to the doctor that his
+old friend called to see him and will drop in
+again to-morrow? Don't forget: Governor
+Brown of Arkansas.'' A moment later the
+governor visited me by a side door, with his
+account of the symptoms of my patients.
+
+Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having
+retired. ``Now, doc,'' says the Hoosier, ``I've
+been handled awful these two years back.''
+``Stop!'' I exclaimed. ``Open your eyes.
+There, now, let me see,'' taking his pulse as I
+speak. ``Ah, you've a pain there, and there,
+and you can't sleep; cocktails don't agree any
+longer. Weren't you bit by a dog two years
+ago?'' ``I was,'' says the Hoosier, in
+amazement. ``Sir,'' I reply, ``you have chronic
+hydrophobia. It's the water in the cocktails
+that disagrees with you. My bitters will cure
+you in a week, sir. No more whisky--drink
+milk.''
+
+The astonishment of my patient at these
+accurate revelations may be imagined. He is
+allowed to wait for his medicine in the ante-
+room, where the chances are in favor of his
+relating how wonderfully I had told all his
+symptoms at a glance.
+
+Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small
+but clever actor, whom I met in the billiard-
+room, and who day after day, in varying
+disguises and modes, played off the same tricks,
+to our great common advantage.
+
+At my friend's suggestion, we very soon
+added to our resources by the purchase of
+two electromagnetic batteries. This special
+means of treating all classes of maladies has
+advantages which are altogether peculiar. In
+the first place, you instruct your patient that
+the treatment is of necessity a long one. A
+striking mode of putting it is to say, ``Sir,
+you have been six months getting ill; it will
+require six months for a cure.'' There is a
+correct sound about such a phrase, and it is
+sure to satisfy. Two sittings a week, at two
+dollars a sitting, will pay. In many cases the
+patient gets well while you are electrifying
+him. Whether or not the electricity cured
+him is a thing I shall never know. If, however,
+he began to show signs of impatience, I
+advised him that he would require a year's
+treatment, and suggested that it would be
+economical for him to buy a battery and use 
+it at home. Thus advised, he pays you twenty
+dollars for an instrument which cost you ten,
+and you are rid of a troublesome case.
+
+If the reader has followed me closely, he
+will have learned that I am a man of large
+and liberal views in my profession, and of a
+very justifiable ambition. The idea has often
+occurred to me of combining in one establishment
+all the various modes of practice which
+are known as irregular. This, as will be
+understood, is really only a wider application
+of the idea which prompted me to unite in my
+own business homeopathy and the practice of
+medicine. I proposed to my partner, accordingly,
+to combine with our present business
+that of spiritualism, which I knew had been
+very profitably turned to account in connection
+with medical practice. As soon as he
+agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped
+to enlarge so as to include all the available
+isms, I set about making such preparations as
+were necessary. I remembered having read
+somewhere that a Dr. Schiff had shown that
+he could produce remarkable ``knockings,'' so
+called, by voluntarily dislocating the great
+toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its
+socket. A still better noise could be made by
+throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus
+muscle out of the hollow in which it lies,
+alongside of the ankle. After some effort I
+was able to accomplish both feats quite readily,
+and could occasion a remarkable variety of
+sounds, according to the power which I
+employed or the positions which I occupied at
+the time. As to all other matters, I trusted
+to the suggestions of my own ingenuity,
+which, as a rule, has rarely failed me.
+
+The largest success attended the novel plan
+which my lucky genius had devised, so that
+soon we actually began to divide large profits
+and to lay by a portion of our savings. It is,
+of course, not to be supposed that this desirable
+result was attained without many annoyances
+and some positive danger. My spiritual
+revelations, medical and other, were, as may
+be supposed, only more or less happy guesses;
+but in this, as in predictions as to the weather
+and other events, the rare successes always
+get more prominence in the minds of men
+than the numerous failures. Moreover,
+whenever a person has been fool enough to
+resort to folks like myself, he is always glad
+to be able to defend his conduct by bringing
+forward every possible proof of skill on the
+part of the men he has consulted. These
+considerations, and a certain love of mysterious 
+or unusual means, I have commonly found
+sufficient to secure an ample share of gullible
+individuals. I may add, too, that those who
+would be shrewd enough to understand and
+expose us are wise enough to keep away
+altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule,
+easy enough to manage, but now and then we
+hit upon some utterly exceptional patient
+who was both foolish enough to consult us
+and sharp enough to know he had been swindled.
+When such a fellow made a fuss, it
+was occasionally necessary to return his
+money if it was found impossible to bully
+him into silence. In one or two instances,
+where I had promised a cure upon prepayment
+of two or three hundred dollars, I was either
+sued or threatened with suit, and had to
+refund a part or the whole of the amount; but
+most people preferred to hold their tongues
+rather than expose to the world the extent of
+their own folly.
+
+In one most disastrous case I suffered
+personally to a degree which I never can recall
+without a distinct sense of annoyance, both
+at my own want of care and at the disgusting
+consequences which it brought upon me.
+
+Early one morning an old gentleman called,
+in a state of the utmost agitation, and 
+explained that he desired to consult the spirits
+as to a heavy loss which he had experienced
+the night before. He had left, he said, a sum
+of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going
+to bed. In the morning he had changed his
+clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove the
+notes. Returning in an hour in great haste,
+he discovered that the garment still lay upon
+the chair where he had thrown it, but that the
+money was missing. I at once desired him to
+be seated, and proceeded to ask him certain
+questions, in a chatty way, about the habits
+of his household, the amount lost, and the like,
+expecting thus to get some clue which would
+enable me to make my spirits display the
+requisite share of sagacity in pointing out the
+thief. I learned readily that he was an old
+and wealthy man, a little close, too, I suspected,
+and that he lived in a large house with but
+two servants, and an only son about twenty-
+one years old. The servants were both women
+who had lived in the household many years,
+and were probably innocent. Unluckily,
+remembering my own youthful career, I
+presently reached the conclusion that the young
+man had been the delinquent. When I ventured
+to inquire a little as to his habits, the
+old gentleman cut me very short, remarking 
+that he came to ask questions, and not to be
+questioned, and that he desired at once to
+consult the spirits. Upon this I sat down at
+a table, and, after a brief silence, demanded
+in a solemn voice if there were any spirits
+present. By industriously cracking my big
+toe-joint I was enabled to represent at once
+the presence of a numerous assembly of these
+worthies. Then I inquired if any one of them
+had been present when the robbery was
+effected. A prompt double knock replied in
+the affirmative. I may say here, by the way,
+that the unanimity of the spirits as to their
+use of two knocks for ``yes'' and one for
+``no'' is a very remarkable point, and shows,
+if it shows anything, how perfect and universal
+must be the social intercourse of the
+respected departed. It is worthy of note, also,
+that if the spirit--I will not say the medium
+--perceives after one knock that it were wiser
+to say yes, he can conveniently add the second
+tap. Some such arrangement in real life
+would, it appears to me, be highly desirable.
+
+It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq,
+the French detective. I had just read a translation
+of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a
+very available spirit to call upon.
+
+As soon as I explained that the spirit who 
+answered had been a witness of the theft, the
+old man became strangely agitated. ``Who
+was it?'' said he. At once the spirit
+indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we
+went over the letters,--always a slow method,
+but useful when you want to observe excitable
+people,--my visitor kept saying, ``Quicker--
+go quicker.'' At length the spirit spelled out
+the words, ``I know not his name.''
+
+``Was it,'' said the gentleman--``was it a--
+was it one of my household?''
+
+I knocked ``yes'' without hesitation; who
+else, indeed, could it have been?
+
+``Excuse me,'' he went on, ``if I ask you for
+a little whisky.''
+
+This I gave him. He continued: ``Was it
+Susan or Ellen?''
+
+``No, no!''
+
+``Was it--'' He paused. ``If I ask a question
+mentally, will the spirits reply?'' I knew
+what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was
+his son, but did not wish to speak openly.
+
+``Ask,'' said I.
+
+``I have,'' he returned.
+
+I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to
+commit myself definitely, yet here I fancied,
+from the facts of the case and his own terrible
+anxiety, that he suspected, or more than 
+suspected, his son as the guilty person. I
+became sure of this as I studied his face. At
+all events, it would be easy to deny or explain
+in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander
+was there in two knocks? I struck twice
+as usual.
+
+Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very
+white, but quite firm. ``There,'' he said, and
+cast a bank-note on the table, ``I thank you,''
+and bending his head on his breast, walked,
+as I thought, with great effort out of the room.
+
+On the following morning, as I made my
+first appearance in my outer room, which
+contained at least a dozen persons awaiting
+advice, who should I see standing by the window
+but the old gentleman with sandy-gray hair?
+Along with him was a stout young man with
+a head as red as mine, and mustache and
+whiskers to match. Probably the son, I
+thought--ardent temperament, remorse, come
+to confess, etc. I was never more mistaken
+in my life. I was about to go regularly
+through my patients when the old gentleman
+began to speak.
+
+``I called, doctor,'' said he, ``to explain the
+little matter about which I--about which I--''
+
+``Troubled your spirits yesterday,'' added
+the youth, jocosely, pulling his mustache.
+
+``Beg pardon,'' I returned; ``had we not
+better talk this over in private? Come into
+my office,'' I added, touching the younger man
+on the arm.
+
+Would you believe it? he took out his
+handkerchief and dusted the place I had touched.
+``Better not,'' said he. ``Go on, father; let
+us get done with this den.''
+
+``Gentlemen,'' said the elder person, addressing
+the patients, ``I called here yesterday, like
+a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum
+of money which I believed I left in my room
+on going out in the morning. This doctor
+here and his spirits contrived to make me
+suspect my only son. Well, I charged him at
+once with the crime as soon as I got back
+home, and what do you think he did? He
+said, `Father, let us go up-stairs and look for
+it,' and--''
+
+Here the young man broke in with: ``Come,
+father; don't worry yourself for nothing'';
+and then turning, added: ``To cut the thing
+short, he found the notes under his candle-
+stick, where he left them on going to bed.
+This is all of it. We came here to stop this
+fellow'' (by which he meant me) ``from carrying
+a slander further. I advise you, good
+people, to profit by the matter, and to look up 
+a more honest doctor, if doctoring be what
+you want.''
+
+As soon as he had ended, I remarked
+solemnly: ``The words of the spirits are not my
+words. Who shall hold them accountable?''
+
+``Nonsense,'' said the young man. ``Come,
+father''; and they left the room.
+
+Now was the time to retrieve my character.
+``Gentlemen,'' said I, ``you have heard this
+very singular account. Trusting the spirits
+utterly and entirely as I do, it occurs to me
+that there is no reason why they may not,
+after all, have been right in their suspicions
+of this young person. Who can say that,
+overcome by remorse, he may not have seized
+the time of his father's absence to replace the
+money?''
+
+To my amazement, up gets a little old man
+from the corner. ``Well, you are a low cuss!''
+said he, and taking up a basket beside him,
+hobbled hastily out of the room. You may
+be sure I said some pretty sharp things to him,
+for I was out of humor to begin with, and it
+is one thing to be insulted by a stout young
+man, and quite another to be abused by a
+wretched old cripple. However, he went away,
+and I supposed, for my part, that I was done
+with the whole business.
+
+An hour later, however, I heard a rough
+knock at my door, and opening it hastily, saw
+my red-headed young man with the cripple.
+
+``Now,'' said the former, taking me by the
+collar, and pulling me into the room among
+my patients, ``I want to know, my man, if
+this doctor said that it was likely I was the
+thief after all?''
+
+``That's what he said,'' replied the cripple;
+``just about that, sir.''
+
+I do not desire to dwell on the after
+conduct of this hot-headed young man. It was
+the more disgraceful as I offered but little
+resistance, and endured a beating such as I
+would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog.
+Nor was this all. He warned me that if I
+dared to remain in the city after a week he
+would shoot me. In the East I should have
+thought but little of such a threat, but here
+it was only too likely to be practically carried
+out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of
+character, but with much grief and reluctance,
+I collected my whole fortune, which now
+amounted to at least seven thousand dollars,
+and turned my back upon this ungrateful
+town. I am sorry to say that I also left
+behind me the last of my good luck.
+
+I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached
+Boston. The country anywhere would have
+been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural
+pursuits. It seemed an agreeable city, and I
+decided to remain.
+
+I took good rooms at Parker's, and concluding
+to enjoy life, amused myself in the company
+of certain, I may say uncertain, young
+women who danced at some of the theaters.
+I played billiards, drank rather too much,
+drove fast horses, and at the end of a delightful
+year was shocked to find myself in debt,
+and with only seven dollars and fifty-three
+cents left--I like to be accurate. I had only
+one resource: I determined to visit my deaf
+aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could
+do in the role of the prodigal nephew. At
+all events, I should gain time to think of what
+new enterprise I could take up; but, above
+all, I needed a little capital and a house over
+my head. I had pawned nearly everything
+of any value which I possessed.
+
+I left my debts to gather interest, and went
+away to Woodbury. It was the day before
+Christmas when I reached the little Jersey
+town, and it was also by good luck Sunday.  
+I was hungry and quite penniless. I wandered
+about until church had begun, because
+I was sure then to find Aunt Rachel and 
+Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to
+explore a little. The house was closed, and
+even the one servant absent. I got in with
+ease at the back through the kitchen, and
+having at least an hour and a half free from
+interruption, I made a leisurely search. The
+role of prodigal was well enough, but here
+was a better chance and an indulgent opportunity.
+
+In a few moments I found the famous Bible
+hid away under Aunt Rachel's mattress. The
+Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended
+to be moderate enough to escape suspicion.
+Here were quite two thousand dollars. I
+resolved to take, just now, only one hundred,
+so as to keep a good balance. Then, alas! I
+lit on a long envelop, my aunt's will. Every
+cent was left to Christ Church; not a dime to
+poor Pen or to me. I was in a rage. I tore
+up the will and replaced the envelop. To
+treat poor Pen that way--Pen of all people!
+There was a heap more will than testament,
+for all it was in the Bible. After that I
+thought it was right to punish the old witch,
+and so I took every note I could find. When
+I was through with this business, I put back
+the Bible under the mattress, and observing
+that I had been quite too long, I went down-
+stairs with a keen desire to leave the town as
+early as possible. I was tempted, however,
+to look further, and was rewarded by finding
+in an old clock case a small reticule stuffed
+with bank-notes. This I appropriated, and
+made haste to go out. I was too late. As I
+went into the little entry to get my hat and
+coat, Aunt Rachel entered, followed by Peninnah.
+
+At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was
+a monster and fit for the penitentiary. As
+she could not hear at all, she had the talk to
+herself, and went by me and up-stairs,
+rumbling abuse like distant thunder overhead.
+
+Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The
+pretty fool was seated on a chair, all dressed
+up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward
+and forward, crying, ``Oh, oh, ah!'' like
+a lamb saying, ``Baa, baa, baa!'' She never
+had much sense. I had to shake her to get a
+reasonable word. She mopped her eyes, and
+I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last
+decided that I was the person who had thinned
+her hoards. This was bad, but involved less
+inconvenience than it might have done an
+hour earlier. Amid tears Pen told me that a
+detective had been at the house inquiring for
+me. When this happened it seems that the 
+poor little goose had tried to fool deaf Aunt
+Rachel with some made-up story as to the man
+having come about taxes. I suppose the girl
+was not any too sharp, and the old woman, I
+guess, read enough from merely seeing the
+man's lips. You never could keep anything
+from her, and she was both curious and
+suspicious. She assured the officer that I was a
+thief, and hoped I might be caught. I could
+not learn whether the man told Pen any
+particulars, but as I was slowly getting at the
+facts we heard a loud scream and a heavy
+fall.
+
+Pen said, ``Oh, oh!'' and we hurried up-
+stairs. There was the old woman on the
+floor, her face twitching to right, and her
+breathing a sort of hoarse croak. The big
+Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what
+had happened. It was a fit of apoplexy.
+
+At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed
+to recover her wits, and said: ``Go away, go
+away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know
+you have stolen her money and killed her,
+and--and I loved you, I was so proud of
+you! Oh, oh!''
+
+This was all very fine, but the advice was
+good. I said: ``Yes, I had better go. Run
+and get some one--a doctor. It is a fit of 
+hysterics; there is no danger. I will write
+to you. You are quite mistaken.''
+
+This was too feeble even for Pen, and she
+cried:
+
+``No, never; I never want to see you again.
+You would kill me next.''
+
+``Stuff!'' said I, and ran down-stairs. I
+seized my coat and hat, and went to the
+tavern, where I got a man to drive me to
+Camden. I have never seen Pen since. As
+I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that
+I should have asked when the detective had
+been after me. I suspected from Pen's terror
+that it had been recently.
+
+It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself,
+the day before Christmas. The ground was
+covered with snow, and as I walked up Market
+street my feet were soon soaked. In my
+haste I had left my overshoes. I was very
+cold, and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I
+kept thinking of what a conspicuous thing a
+fire-red head is, and of how many people
+knew me. As I reached Woodbury early
+and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all
+day. I relied on Pen.
+
+Now I concluded to go down into my old
+neighborhood and get a lodging where no
+references were asked. Next day I would 
+secure a disguise and get out of the way. I
+had passed the day without food, as I have
+just said, and having ample means, concluded
+to go somewhere and get a good dinner. It
+was now close to three in the afternoon. I
+was aware of two things: that I was making
+many plans, and giving them up as soon as
+made; and that I was suddenly afraid without
+cause, afraid to enter an eating-house,
+and in fear of every man I met.
+
+I went on, feeling more and more chilly.
+When a man is really cold his mind does not
+work well, and now it was blowing a keen
+gale from the north. At Second and South
+I came plump on a policeman I knew. He
+looked at me through the drifting snow, as if
+he was uncertain, and twice looked back after
+having passed me. I turned west at Christian
+street. When I looked behind me the
+man was standing at the corner, staring after
+me. At the next turn I hurried away northward
+in a sort of anguish of terror. I have
+said I was an uncommon person. I am. I
+am sensitive, too. My mind is much above
+the average, but unless I am warm and well
+fed it does not act well, and I make mistakes.
+At that time I was half frozen, in need of
+food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool 
+squirming on the floor got on to my nerves.
+I went on and on, and at last into Second
+street, until I came to Christ Church, of all
+places for me. I heard the sound of the
+organ in the afternoon service. I felt I must
+go in and get warm. Here was another silly
+notion: I was afraid of hotels, but not of the
+church. I reasoned vaguely that it was a
+dark day, and darker in the church, and so I
+went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat
+near the north door. No one noticed me. I
+sat still in a high-backed pew, well hid, and
+wondering what was the matter with me. It
+was curious that a doctor, and a man of my
+intelligence, should have been long in guessing
+a thing so simple.
+
+For two months I had been drinking hard,
+and for two days had quit, being a man capable
+of great self-control, and also being
+short of money. Just before the benediction
+I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at
+me. In deadly fear I got up and quickly
+slipped through a door into the tower room.
+I said to myself, ``He will follow me or wait
+outside.'' I stood a moment with my head
+all of a whirl, and then in a shiver of fear
+ran up the stairs to the tower until I got
+into the bell-ringer's room. I was safe. I 
+sat down on a stool, twitching and tremulous.
+There were the old books on bell-ringing, and
+the miniature chime of small bells for
+instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and
+it swung the eight ropes about in a way I did
+not like. I remember saying, ``Oh, don't do
+that.'' At last I had a mad desire to ring
+one of the bells. As a loop of rope swung
+toward me it seemed to hold a face, and this
+face cried out, ``Come and hang yourself;
+then the bell will ring.''
+
+If I slept I do not know. I may have done
+so. Certainly I must have stayed there many
+hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on
+my guard, for when far into the night I
+heard noises below, I ran up the steeper
+steps which ascend to the steeple, where are
+the bells. Half-way up I sat down on the
+stair. The place was cold and the darkness
+deep. Then I heard the eight ringers down
+below. One said: ``Never knowed a Christmas
+like this since Zeb Sanderaft died. Come,
+boys!'' I knew it must be close on to mid-
+night. Now they would play a Christmas
+carol. I used every Christmas to be roused
+up and carried here and set on dad's shoulder.
+When they were done ringing, Number Two
+always gave me a box of sugar-plums and a
+large red apple. As they rang off, my father
+would cry out, ``One, two,'' and so on, and
+then cry, ``Elias, all over town people are
+opening windows to listen.'' I seemed to
+hear him as I sat in the gloom. Then I
+heard, ``All ready; one, two,'' and they rang
+the Christmas carol. Overhead I heard the
+great bells ringing out:
+
+     And all the bells on earth shall ring
+          On Christmas day, on Christmas day.
+
+
+I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum
+the air. Great heavens! There was the old
+woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going
+twitch, twitch, the croak of her breathing
+keeping a sort of mad time with ``On Christmas
+day, on Christmas day.'' I jumped up.
+She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort of way
+what was the matter with me, but I had still
+the sense to sit down and wait. I said now
+it would be snakes, for once before I had
+been almost as bad. But what I did see was
+a little curly-headed boy in a white frock and
+pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg
+first; so queer of me to have noticed that. I
+knew I was that boy. He was an innocent-
+looking little chap, and was smiling. He
+seemed to me to grow and grow, and at last 
+was a big, red-headed man with a live rat in his
+hand. I saw nothing more, but I surely
+knew I needed whisky. I waited until all
+was still, and got down and out, for I knew
+every window. I soon found a tavern, and
+got a drink and some food. At once my fear
+left me. I was warm at last and clear of
+head, and had again my natural courage. I
+was well aware that I was on the edge of
+delirium tremens and must be most prudent.
+I paid in advance for my room and treated
+myself as I had done many another. Only a
+man of unusual force could have managed
+his own case as I did. I went out only at
+night, and in a week was well enough to
+travel. During this time I saw now and
+then that grinning little fellow. Sometimes
+he had an apple and was eating it. I do not
+know why he was worse to me than snakes,
+or the twitchy old woman with her wide eyes
+of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to right.
+
+I decided to go back to Boston. I got to
+New York prudently in a roundabout way,
+and in two weeks' time was traveling east
+from Albany.
+
+I felt well, and my spirits began at last to
+rise to their usual level. When I arrived in
+Boston I set myself to thinking how best I
+could contrive to enjoy life and at the same
+time to increase my means. I possessed sufficient
+capital, and was able and ready to embark
+in whatever promised the best returns
+with the smallest personal risks. I settled
+myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing
+claims, and began to reflect with my ordinary
+sagacity.
+
+We were now in the midst of a most absurd
+war with the South, and it was becoming
+difficult to escape the net of conscription. It
+might be wise to think of this in time.
+Europe seemed a desirable residence, but I
+needed more money to make this agreeable,
+and an investment for my brains was what
+I wanted most. Many schemes presented
+themselves as worthy the application of
+industry and talent, but none of them altogether
+suited my case. I thought at times
+of traveling as a physiological lecturer,
+combining with it the business of a practitioner:
+scare the audience at night with an enumeration
+of symptoms which belong to ten out of
+every dozen healthy people, and then doctor
+such of them as are gulls enough to consult
+me next day. The bigger the fright the
+better the pay. I was a little timid, however,
+about facing large audiences, as a man 
+will be naturally if he has lived a life of
+adventure, so that upon due consideration I
+gave up the idea altogether.
+
+The patent medicine business also looked
+well enough, but it is somewhat overdone at
+all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with
+the probable result of ill success. Indeed, I
+believe one hundred quack remedies fail for
+one that succeeds, and millions must have
+been wasted in placards, bills, and advertisements,
+which never returned half their value
+to the speculator. I think I shall some day
+beguile my time with writing an account of
+the principal quack remedies which have met
+with success. They are few in number, after
+all, as any one must know who recalls the
+countless pills and tonics which are puffed
+awhile on the fences, and disappear, to be
+heard of no more.
+
+Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake
+a private insane asylum, which appeared to
+me to offer facilities for money-making, as to
+which, however, I may have been deceived by
+the writings of certain popular novelists. I
+went so far, I may say, as actually to visit
+Concord for the purpose of finding a pleasant
+locality and a suitable atmosphere. Upon
+reflection I abandoned my plans, as 
+involving too much personal labor to suit one 
+of my easy frame of mind.
+
+Tired at last of idleness and lounging on
+the Common, I engaged in two or three little
+ventures of a semi-professional character,
+such as an exhibition of laughing-gas,
+advertising to cure cancer,--``Send twenty-five
+stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an
+infallible receipt,''--etc. I did not find, however,
+that these little enterprises prospered well in
+New England, and I had recalled very forcibly
+a story which my father was fond of
+relating to me in my boyhood. It was about
+how certain very knowing flies went to get
+molasses, and how it ended by the molasses
+getting them. This, indeed, was precisely
+what happened to me in all my efforts to
+better myself in the Northern States, until
+at length my misfortunes climaxed in total
+and unexpected ruin.
+
+Having been very economical, I had now
+about twenty-seven hundred dollars. It was
+none too much. At this time I made the
+acquaintance of a sea-captain from Maine.
+He told me that he and two others had chartered
+a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica
+with a variety cargo. In fact, he meant to
+run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he 
+was to carry quinine, chloroform, and other
+medical requirements for the Confederates.
+He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more,
+and a doctor to buy the kind of things which
+army surgeons require. Of course I was
+prudent and he careful, but at last, on his
+proving to me that there was no risk, I
+agreed to expend his money, his friends',
+and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars.
+I saw the other men, one of them a
+rebel captain. I was well pleased with the
+venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to
+go with them on the steamer. It was a
+promising investment, and I am free to
+reflect that in this, as in some other things, I
+have been free from vulgar prejudices. I
+bought all that we needed, and was well
+satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in
+the hold.
+
+We were to sail on a certain Thursday
+morning in September, 1863. I sent my
+trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening
+before we were to start to go on board,
+but found that the little steamer had been
+hauled out from the pier. The captain, who
+met me at this time, endeavored to get a
+boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was
+blowing, and he advised me to wait until 
+morning. My associates were already on
+board. Early next day I dressed and went
+to the captain's room, which proved to be
+empty. I was instantly filled with doubt,
+and ran frantically to the Long Wharf,
+where, to my horror, I could see no signs
+of the vessel or captain. Neither have I
+ever set eyes on them from that time to this.
+I thought of lodging information with the
+police as to the unpatriotic design of the
+rascal who swindled me, but on the whole
+concluded that it was best to hold my tongue.
+
+It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt
+milk as to be little worth lamenting, and I
+therefore set to work, with my accustomed
+energy, to utilize on my own behalf the
+resources of my medical education, which so
+often before had saved me from want. The
+war, then raging at its height, appeared to
+offer numerous opportunities to men of talent.
+The path which I chose was apparently a
+humble one, but it enabled me to make very
+practical use of my professional knowledge,
+and afforded for a time rapid and secure
+returns, without any other investment than a
+little knowledge cautiously employed. In the
+first place, I deposited my small remnant of
+property in a safe bank. Then I went to 
+Providence, where, as I had heard, patriotic
+persons were giving very large bounties in
+order, I suppose, to insure the government
+the services of better men than themselves.
+On my arrival I lost no time in offering
+myself as a substitute, and was readily accepted,
+and very soon mustered into the Twentieth
+Rhode Island. Three months were passed
+in camp, during which period I received
+bounty to the extent of six hundred and
+fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly
+deserted about two hours before the regiment
+left for the field. With the product of my
+industry I returned to Boston, and deposited
+all but enough to carry me to New York,
+where within a month I enlisted twice, earning
+on each occasion four hundred dollars.
+
+After this I thought it wise to try the same
+game in some of the smaller towns near to
+Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace
+with a good deal of doubt; but I selected a
+regiment in camp at Norristown, which is
+eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly
+seven hundred dollars by entering the service
+as a substitute for an editor, whose pen,
+I presume, was mightier than his sword. I
+was, however, disagreeably surprised by being
+hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy 
+young lieutenant, who brutally shot down a
+poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for
+attempting to desert. At this point I began
+to make use of my medical skill, for I did
+not in the least degree fancy being shot,
+either because of deserting or of not deserting.
+It happened, therefore, that a day or
+two later, while in Washington, I was seized
+in the street with a fit, which perfectly
+imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused
+him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital.
+Here I found it necessary to perform fits
+about twice a week, and as there were several
+real epileptics in the ward, I had a
+capital chance of studying their symptoms,
+which, finally, I learned to imitate with the
+utmost cleverness.
+
+I soon got to know three or four men who,
+like myself, were personally averse to bullets,
+and who were simulating other forms of
+disease with more or less success. One of
+them suffered with rheumatism of the back,
+and walked about like an old man; another,
+who had been to the front, was palsied in the
+right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on
+the leg, rubbing in a little antimonial
+ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold
+him at five dollars a box.
+
+A change in the hospital staff brought all
+of us to grief. The new surgeon was a quiet,
+gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes
+and clearly cut features, and a way of looking
+at you without saying much. I felt so
+safe myself that I watched his procedures
+with just that kind of enjoyment which one
+clever man takes in seeing another at work.
+
+The first inspection settled two of us.
+
+``Another back case,'' said the assistant
+surgeon to his senior.
+
+``Back hurt you?'' says the latter, mildly.
+
+``Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't
+never been able to stand straight since.''
+
+``A howitzer!'' says the surgeon. ``Lean
+forward, my man, so as to touch the floor--
+so. That will do.'' Then turning to his aid,
+he said, ``Prepare this man's discharge
+papers.''
+
+``His discharge, sir?''
+
+``Yes; I said that. Who's next?''
+
+``Thank you, sir,'' groaned the man with
+the back. ``How soon, sir, do you think it
+will be?''
+
+``Ah, not less than a month,'' replied the
+surgeon, and passed on.
+
+Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like
+the letter C, and as the patient presumed that 
+his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed
+himself a little relaxation in the way of
+becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice
+blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and
+one fine morning Smithson was appalled at
+finding himself in a detachment bound for
+the field, and bearing on his descriptive list
+an ill-natured indorsement about his malady.
+
+The surgeon came next on O'Callahan,
+standing, like each of us, at the foot of his
+own bed.
+
+``I've paralytics in my arm,'' he said, with
+intention to explain his failure to salute his
+superior.
+
+``Humph!'' said the surgeon; ``you have
+another hand.''
+
+``An' it's not the rigulation to saloot with
+yer left,'' said the Irishman, with a grin, while
+the patients around us began to smile.
+
+``How did it happen?'' said the surgeon.
+
+``I was shot in the shoulder,'' answered the
+patient, ``about three months ago, sir. I
+haven't stirred it since.''
+
+The surgeon looked at the scar.
+
+``So recently?'' said he. ``The scar looks
+older; and, by the way, doctor,''--to his
+junior,--``it could not have gone near the
+nerves. Bring the battery, orderly.''
+
+In a few moments the surgeon was testing
+one after another, the various muscles. At
+last he stopped. ``Send this man away with
+the next detachment. Not a word, my man.
+You are a rascal, and a disgrace to honest
+men who have been among bullets.''
+
+The man muttered something, I did not
+hear what.
+
+``Put this man in the guard-house,'' cried
+the surgeon, and so passed on without smile
+or frown.
+
+As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he
+was put in bed, and his leg locked up in a
+wooden splint, which effectually prevented
+him from touching the part diseased. It
+healed in ten days, and he too went as food
+for powder.
+
+The surgeon asked me a few questions, and
+requesting to be sent for during my next fit,
+left me alone.
+
+I was, of course, on my guard, and took
+care to have my attacks only during his
+absence, or to have them over before he arrived.
+At length, one morning, in spite of my care,
+he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on the
+floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in
+strong convulsions. Presently I felt a finger
+on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the 
+surgeon standing beside me. To escape his
+scrutiny I became more violent in my
+motions. He stopped a moment and looked at
+me steadily. ``Poor fellow!'' said he, to my
+great relief, as I felt at once that I had
+successfully deceived him. Then he turned to
+the ward doctor and remarked: ``Take care
+he does not hurt his head against the bed;
+and, by the by, doctor, do you remember the
+test we applied in Carstairs's case? Just tickle
+the soles of his feet and see if it will cause
+those backward spasms of the head.''
+
+The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally,
+I jerked my head backward as hard as I
+could.
+
+``That will answer,'' said the surgeon, to
+my horror. ``A clever rogue. Send him to
+the guard-house.''
+
+Happy had I been had my ill luck ended
+here, but as I crossed the yard an officer
+stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain
+of my old Rhode Island company.
+
+``Hello!'' said he; ``keep that fellow safe.
+I know him.''
+
+To cut short a long story, I was tried,
+convicted, and forced to refund the Rhode Island
+bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank-
+book among my papers. I was finally sent 
+to Fort Delaware and kept at hard labor,
+handling and carrying shot, policing the
+ground, picking up cigar-stumps, and other
+light, unpleasant occupations.
+
+When the war was over I was released. I
+went at once to Boston, where I had about
+four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly
+all of this sum before I could satisfy the
+accumulated cravings of a year and a half without
+drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I
+was about to engage in a little business as a
+vender of lottery policies when I first began
+to feel a strange sense of lassitude, which
+soon increased so as quite to disable me from
+work of any kind. Month after month passed
+away, while my money lessened, and this
+terrible sense of weariness went on from
+bad to worse. At last one day, after nearly
+a year had elapsed, I perceived on my face a
+large brown patch of color, in consequence
+of which I went in some alarm to consult a
+well-known physician. He asked me a multitude
+of tiresome questions, and at last wrote
+off a prescription, which I immediately read.
+It was a preparation of arsenic.
+
+``What do you think,'' said I, ``is the matter
+with me, doctor?''
+
+``I am afraid,'' said he, ``that you have a 
+very serious trouble--what we call Addison's
+disease.''
+
+``What's that?'' said I.
+
+``I do not think you would comprehend
+it,'' he replied; ``it is an affection of the
+suprarenal capsules.''
+
+I dimly remembered that there were such
+organs, and that nobody knew what they
+were meant for. It seemed that doctors had
+found a use for them at last.
+
+``Is it a dangerous disease?'' I said.
+
+``I fear so,'' he answered.
+
+``Don't you really know,'' I asked, ``what's
+the truth about it?''
+
+``Well,'' he returned gravely, ``I'm sorry
+to tell you it is a very dangerous malady.''
+
+``Nonsense!'' said I; ``I don't believe it'';
+for I thought it was only a doctor's trick, and
+one I had tried often enough myself.
+
+``Thank you,'' said he; ``you are a very ill
+man, and a fool besides. Good morning.''
+He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not
+therefore find it necessary to escape payment
+by telling him I was a doctor.
+
+Several weeks went by; my money was
+gone, my clothes were ragged, and, like my
+body, nearly worn out, and now I am an
+inmate of a hospital. To-day I feel weaker 
+than when I first began to write. How it
+will end, I do not know. If I die, the doctor
+will get this pleasant history, and if I live, I
+shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little
+money I will set out to look for my sister.
+I dreamed about her last night. What I
+dreamed was not very agreeable. I thought
+it was night. I was walking up one of the
+vilest streets near my old office, and a girl
+spoke to me--a shameless, worn creature,
+with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed,
+``Brother, brother!'' and then remembering
+what she had been, with her round, girlish,
+innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what
+she was now, I awoke and saw the dim light
+of the half-darkened ward.
+
+I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff
+has amused me and, I think, done me good.
+That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I
+must tear up all this biography.
+
+``Hello, nurse! The little boy--boy--''
+ 
+
+``GOOD HEAVENS!'' said the nurse, ``he is
+dead! Dr. Alston said it would happen this
+way. The screen, quick--the screen--and
+let the doctor know.''
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW
+
+The following notes of my own
+case have been declined on various
+pretests by every medical
+journal to which I have offered
+them. There was, perhaps,
+some reason in this, because many of the
+medical facts which they record are not
+altogether new, and because the psychical
+deductions to which they have led me are not
+in themselves of medical interest. I ought
+to add that a great deal of what is here
+related is not of any scientific value
+whatsoever; but as one or two people on whose
+judgment I rely have advised me to print
+my narrative with all the personal details,
+rather than in the dry shape in which, as a
+psychological statement, I shall publish it
+elsewhere, I have yielded to their views. I 
+suspect, however, that the very character of
+my record will, in the eyes of some of my
+readers, tend to lessen the value of the
+metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth.
+
+
+I am the son of a physician, still in large
+practice, in the village of Abington, Scofield
+County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his
+future partner, I studied medicine in his
+office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended lectures
+at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia.
+My second course should have been in
+the following year, but the outbreak of the
+Rebellion so crippled my father's means that
+I was forced to abandon my intention. The
+demand for army surgeons at this time
+became very great; and although not a graduate,
+I found no difficulty in getting the place
+of assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana
+Volunteers. In the subsequent Western
+campaigns this organization suffered so
+severely that before the term of its service
+was over it was merged in the Twenty-first
+Indiana Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon,
+ranked by the medical officers of the latter
+regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth
+Indiana Cavalry. Like many physicians, I
+had contracted a strong taste for army life, 
+and, disliking cavalry service, sought and
+obtained the position of first lieutenant in
+the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an
+infantry regiment of excellent character.
+
+On the day after I assumed command of
+my company, which had no captain, we were
+sent to garrison a part of a line of block-
+houses stretching along the Cumberland
+River below Nashville, then occupied by a
+portion of the command of General Rosecrans.
+
+The life we led while on this duty was
+tedious and at the same time dangerous in
+the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the
+water horrible, and we had no cavalry to
+forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted
+to levy supplies upon the scattered farms
+around us, the population seemed suddenly
+to double, and in the shape of guerrillas
+``potted'' us industriously from behind
+distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these
+various and unpleasant influences, combined
+with a fair infusion of malaria, our men
+rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately,
+no proper medical supplies had been forwarded
+with our small force (two companies),
+and, as the fall advanced, the want
+of quinine and stimulants became a serious 
+annoyance. Moreover, our rations were
+running low; we had been three weeks without
+a new supply; and our commanding officer,
+Major Henry L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as
+to the safety of his men. About this time it was
+supposed that a train with rations would be
+due from the post twenty miles to the north
+of us; yet it was quite possible that it would
+bring us food, but no medicines, which were
+what we most needed. The command was
+too small to detach any part of it, and the
+major therefore resolved to send an officer
+alone to the post above us, where the rest of
+the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence they could
+easily forward quinine and stimulants by the
+train, if it had not left, or, if it had, by a
+small cavalry escort.
+
+It so happened, to my cost, as it turned
+out, that I was the only officer fit to make
+the journey, and I was accordingly ordered
+to proceed to Blockhouse No. 3 and make
+the required arrangements. I started alone
+just after dusk the next night, and during
+the darkness succeeded in getting within
+three miles of my destination. At this time
+I found that I had lost my way, and, although
+aware of the danger of my act, was forced to
+turn aside and ask at a log cabin for 
+directions. The house contained a dried-up old
+woman and four white-headed, half-naked
+children. The woman was either stone-deaf
+or pretended to be so; but, at all events, she
+gave me no satisfaction, and I remounted
+and rode away. On coming to the end of a
+lane, into which I had turned to seek the
+cabin, I found to my surprise that the bars
+had been put up during my brief parley.
+They were too high to leap, and I therefore
+dismounted to pull them down. As I touched
+the top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the same
+instant felt a blow on both arms, which fell
+helpless. I staggered to my horse and tried
+to mount; but, as I could use neither arm,
+the effort was vain, and I therefore stood still,
+awaiting my fate. I am only conscious that
+I saw about me several graybacks, for I must
+have fallen fainting almost immediately.
+
+When I awoke I was lying in the cabin
+near by, upon a pile of rubbish. Ten or
+twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire,
+apparently drawing lots for my watch, boots,
+hat, etc. I now made an effort to find out
+how far I was hurt. I discovered that I
+could use the left forearm and hand pretty
+well, and with this hand I felt the right limb
+all over until I touched the wound. The ball 
+had passed from left to right through the left
+biceps, and directly through the right arm
+just below the shoulder, emerging behind.
+The right arm and forearm were cold and
+perfectly insensible. I pinched them as well
+as I could, to test the amount of sensation
+remaining; but the hand might as well have
+been that of a dead man. I began to understand
+that the nerves had been wounded, and
+that the part was utterly powerless. By this
+time my friends had pretty well divided the
+spoils, and, rising together, went out. The
+old woman then came to me, and said:
+``Reckon you'd best git up. They-'uns is
+a-goin' to take you away.'' To this I only
+answered, ``Water, water.'' I had a grim
+sense of amusement on finding that the old
+woman was not deaf, for she went out, and
+presently came back with a gourdful, which
+I eagerly drank. An hour later the graybacks
+returned, and finding that I was too
+weak to walk, carried me out and laid me on
+the bottom of a common cart, with which
+they set off on a trot. The jolting was
+horrible, but within an hour I began to have in
+my dead right hand a strange burning, which
+was rather a relief to me. It increased as the
+sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt 
+as if the hand was caught and pinched in a
+red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged
+my guard for water to wet it with, but for
+some reason they desired silence, and at every
+noise threatened me with a revolver. At
+length the pain became absolutely unendurable,
+and I grew what it is the fashion to call
+demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled
+in my torture, until, as I suppose, my captors
+became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a
+handkerchief,--my own, I fancy,--and a canteen
+of water, with which I wetted the hand,
+to my unspeakable relief.
+
+It is unnecessary to detail the events by
+which, finally, I found myself in one of the
+rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the
+first time, my wounds were properly cleansed
+and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, who
+treated me throughout with great kindness.
+I told him I had been a doctor, which,
+perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the
+unusual tenderness with which I was managed.
+The left arm was now quite easy,
+although, as will be seen, it never entirely
+healed. The right arm was worse than ever
+--the humerus broken, the nerves wounded,
+and the hand alive only to pain. I use this
+phrase because it is connected in my mind 
+with a visit from a local visitor,--I am not
+sure he was a preacher,--who used to go
+daily through the wards, and talk to us or
+write our letters. One morning he stopped
+at my bed, when this little talk occurred:
+
+``How are you, lieutenant?''
+
+``Oh,'' said I, ``as usual. All right, but this
+hand, which is dead except to pain.''
+
+``Ah,'' said he, ``such and thus will the
+wicked be--such will you be if you die in
+your sins: you will go where only pain can
+be felt. For all eternity, all of you will be
+just like that hand--knowing pain only.''
+
+I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I
+felt a sudden and chilling horror of possible
+universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When
+I awoke the hand was worse, if that could be.
+It was red, shining, aching, burning, and, as
+it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot
+files. When the doctor came I begged for
+morphia. He said gravely: ``We have none.
+You know you don't allow it to pass the
+lines.'' It was sadly true.
+
+I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand
+again, my sole relief. In about an hour Dr.
+Wilson came back with two aids, and
+explained to me that the bone was so crushed
+as to make it hopeless to save it, and that,
+besides, amputation offered some chance of
+arresting the pain. I had thought of this
+before, but the anguish I felt--I cannot say
+endured--was so awful that I made no more
+of losing the limb than of parting with a
+tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly,
+brief preparations were made, which I
+watched with a sort of eagerness such as
+must forever be inexplicable to any one who
+has not passed six weeks of torture like that
+which I had suffered.
+
+I had but one pang before the operation.
+As I arranged myself on the left side, so as
+to make it convenient for the operator to use
+the knife, I asked: ``Who is to give me the
+ether?'' ``We have none,'' said the person
+questioned. I set my teeth, and said no
+more.
+
+I need not describe the operation. The
+pain felt was severe, but it was insignificant
+as compared with that of any other minute of
+the past six weeks. The limb was removed
+very near to the shoulder-joint. As the second
+incision was made, I felt a strange flash
+of pain play through the limb, as if it were
+in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was
+followed by instant, unspeakable relief, and
+before the flaps were brought together I was 
+sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as
+I pointed to the arm which lay on the floor:
+``There is the pain, and here am I. How
+queer!'' Then I slept--slept the sleep of
+the just, or, better, of the painless. From
+this time forward I was free from neuralgia.
+At a subsequent period I saw a number of
+cases similar to mine in a hospital in Philadelphia.
+
+It is no part of my plan to detail my weary
+months of monotonous prison life in the
+South. In the early part of April, 1863, I
+was exchanged, and after the usual thirty days'
+furlough returned to my regiment a captain.
+
+On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred
+the battle of Chickamauga, in which my regiment
+took a conspicuous part. The close of
+our own share in this contest is, as it were,
+burned into my memory with every least
+detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found
+ourselves in line, under cover of a long, thin
+row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a
+gentle slope, from which, again, rose a hill
+rather more abrupt, and crowned with an
+earthwork. We received orders to cross this
+space and take the fort in front, while a
+brigade on our right was to make a like
+movement on its flank.
+
+Just before we emerged into the open
+ground, we noticed what, I think, was common
+in many fights--that the enemy had
+begun to bowl round shot at us, probably
+from failure of shell. We passed across the
+valley in good order, although the men fell
+rapidly all along the line. As we climbed
+the hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew
+heavier. At this moment a battery opened
+on our left, the shots crossing our heads
+obliquely. It is this moment which is so
+printed on my recollection. I can see now,
+as if through a window, the gray smoke, lit
+with red flashes, the long, wavering line,
+the sky blue above, the trodden furrows,
+blotted with blue blouses. Then it was as if
+the window closed, and I knew and saw no
+more. No other scene in my life is thus
+scarred, if I may say so, into my memory. I
+have a fancy that the horrible shock which
+suddenly fell upon me must have had something
+to do with thus intensifying the
+momentary image then before my eyes.
+
+When I awakened, I was lying under a tree
+somewhere at the rear. The ground was
+covered with wounded, and the doctors were
+busy at an operating-table, improvised from
+two barrels and a plank. At length two of 
+them who were examining the wounded
+about me came up to where I lay. A hospital
+steward raised my head and poured
+down some brandy and water, while another
+cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors
+exchanged looks and walked away. I asked
+the steward where I was hit.
+
+``Both thighs,'' said he; ``the doctors won't
+do nothing.''
+
+``No use?'' said I.
+
+``Not much,'' said he.
+
+``Not much means none at all,'' I answered.
+
+When he had gone I set myself to thinking
+about a good many things I had better have
+thought of before, but which in no way concern
+the history of my case. A half-hour
+went by. I had no pain, and did not get
+weaker. At last, I cannot explain why, I
+began to look about me. At first things
+appeared a little hazy. I remember one
+thing which thrilled me a little, even then.
+
+A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to
+a doctor near me, saying, ``When you've a
+little leisure, just take a look at my side.''
+
+``Do it now,'' said the doctor.
+
+The officer exposed his wound. ``Ball
+went in here, and out there.''
+
+The doctor looked up at him--half pity, 
+half amazement. ``If you've got any
+message, you'd best send it by me.''
+
+``Why, you don't say it's serious?'' was the
+reply.
+
+``Serious! Why, you're shot through the
+stomach. You won't live over the day.''
+
+Then the man did what struck me as a
+very odd thing. He said, ``Anybody got a
+pipe?'' Some one gave him a pipe. He filled
+it deliberately, struck a light with a flint, and
+sat down against a tree near to me. Presently
+the doctor came to him again, and
+asked him what he could do for him.
+
+``Send me a drink of Bourbon.''
+
+``Anything else?''
+
+``No.''
+
+As the doctor left him, he called him back.
+``It's a little rough, doc, isn't it?''
+
+No more passed, and I saw this man no
+longer. Another set of doctors were handling
+my legs, for the first time causing pain.
+A moment after a steward put a towel over
+my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of
+chloroform, which I was glad enough to
+breathe. In a moment the trees began to
+move around from left to right, faster and
+faster; then a universal grayness came before
+me,--and I recall nothing further until 
+I awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent.
+I got hold of my own identity in a moment
+or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp
+cramp in my left leg. I tried to get at it to
+rub it with my single arm, but, finding
+myself too weak, hailed an attendant. ``Just
+rub my left calf,'' said I, ``if you please.''
+
+``Calf?'' said he. ``You ain't none. It's
+took off.''
+
+``I know better,'' said I. ``I have pain in
+both legs.''
+
+``Wall, I never!'' said he. ``You ain't
+got nary leg.''
+
+As I did not believe him, he threw off the
+covers, and, to my horror, showed me that I
+had suffered amputation of both thighs, very
+high up.
+
+``That will do,'' said I, faintly.
+
+A month later, to the amazement of every
+one, I was so well as to be moved from the
+crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville,
+where I filled one of the ten thousand
+beds of that vast metropolis of hospitals. Of
+the sufferings which then began I shall
+presently speak. It will be best just now to
+detail the final misfortune which here fell upon
+me. Hospital No. 2, in which I lay, was
+inconveniently crowded with severely wounded 
+officers. After my third week an epidemic
+of hospital gangrene broke out in my ward.
+In three days it attacked twenty persons.
+Then an inspector came, and we were transferred
+at once to the open air, and placed in
+tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my
+remaining arm, which still suppurated, was
+seized with gangrene. The usual remedy,
+bromine, was used locally, but the main
+artery opened, was tied, bled again and
+again, and at last, as a final resort, the
+remaining arm was amputated at the shoulder-
+joint. Against all chances I recovered, to
+find myself a useless torso, more like some
+strange larval creature than anything of
+human shape. Of my anguish and horror
+of myself I dare not speak. I have dictated
+these pages, not to shock my readers, but to
+possess them with facts in regard to the
+relation of the mind to the body; and I hasten,
+therefore, to such portions of my case as best
+illustrate these views.
+
+In January, 1864, I was forwarded to
+Philadelphia, in order to enter what was known
+as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in
+charge of Dr. Hopkinson. This favor was
+obtained through the influence of my father's
+friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has 
+always manifested an interest in my case, for
+which I am deeply grateful. It was thought,
+at the time, that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker,
+might be able to adapt some form of arm to
+my left shoulder, as on that side there
+remained five inches of the arm-bone, which I
+could move to a moderate extent. The hope
+proved illusory, as the stump was always too
+tender to bear any pressure. The hospital
+referred to was in charge of several surgeons
+while I was an inmate, and was at all times
+a clean and pleasant home. It was filled with
+men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of
+each, as happened now and then. I saw one
+man who had lost both legs, and one who had
+parted with both arms; but none, like myself,
+stripped of every limb. There were collected
+in this place hundreds of these cases, which
+gave to it, with reason enough, the not very
+pleasing title of Stump Hospital.
+
+I spent here three and a half months,
+before my transfer to the United States Army
+Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the
+Nervous System. Every morning I was carried
+out in an arm-chair and placed in the library,
+where some one was always ready to write or
+read for me, or to fill my pipe. The doctors
+lent me medical books; the ladies brought me 
+luxuries and fed me; and, save that I was
+helpless to a degree which was humiliating, I
+was as comfortable as kindness could make me.
+
+I amused myself at this time by noting in
+my mind all that I could learn from other
+limbless folk, and from myself, as to the
+peculiar feelings which were noticed in regard
+to lost members. I found that the great
+mass of men who had undergone amputations
+for many months felt the usual consciousness
+that they still had the lost limb.
+It itched or pained, or was cramped, but
+never felt hot or cold. If they had painful
+sensations referred to it, the conviction of its
+existence continued unaltered for long periods;
+but where no pain was felt in it, then
+by degrees the sense of having that limb
+faded away entirely. I think we may to
+some extent explain this. The knowledge
+we possess of any part is made up of the
+numberless impressions from without which
+affect its sensitive surfaces, and which are
+transmitted through its nerves to the spinal
+nerve-cells, and through them, again, to the
+brain. We are thus kept endlessly informed
+as to the existence of parts, because the
+impressions which reach the brain are, by a law
+of our being, referred by us to the part from 
+which they come. Now, when the part is cut
+off, the nerve-trunks which led to it and from
+it, remaining capable of being impressed by
+irritations, are made to convey to the brain
+from the stump impressions which are, as
+usual, referred by the brain to the lost parts
+to which these nerve-threads belonged. In
+other words, the nerve is like a bell-wire.
+You may pull it at any part of its course,
+and thus ring the bell as well as if you pulled
+at the end of the wire; but, in any case,
+the intelligent servant will refer the pull to
+the front door, and obey it accordingly. The
+impressions made on the severed ends of the
+nerve are due often to changes in the stump
+during healing, and consequently cease when
+it has healed, so that finally, in a very healthy
+stump, no such impressions arise; the brain
+ceases to correspond with the lost leg, and,
+as les absents ont toujours tort, it is no longer
+remembered or recognized. But in some
+cases, such as mine proved at last to my sorrow,
+the ends of the nerves undergo a curious
+alteration, and get to be enlarged and
+altered. This change, as I have seen in my
+practice of medicine, sometimes passes up
+the nerves toward the centers, and occasions
+a more or less constant irritation of the nerve-
+fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually
+referred by the brain to that part of the lost
+limb to which the affected nerve belonged.
+This pain keeps the brain ever mindful of
+the missing part, and, imperfectly at least,
+preserves to the man a consciousness of
+possessing that which he has not.
+
+Where the pains come and go, as they do
+in certain cases, the subjective sensations
+thus occasioned are very curious, since in
+such cases the man loses and gains, and loses
+and regains, the consciousness of the presence
+of the lost parts, so that he will tell you,
+``Now I feel my thumb, now I feel my
+little finger.'' I should also add that nearly
+every person who has lost an arm above the
+elbow feels as though the lost member were
+bent at the elbow, and at times is vividly
+impressed with the notion that his fingers are
+strongly flexed.
+
+Other persons present a peculiarity which
+I am at a loss to account for. Where the
+leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as
+if the foot were present, but as though the leg
+were shortened. Thus, if the thigh has been
+taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at
+the knee; if the arm, a hand seems to be at
+the elbow, or attached to the stump itself.
+
+Before leaving Nashville I had begun to
+suffer the most acute pain in my left hand,
+especially the little finger; and so perfect was
+the idea which was thus kept up of the real
+presence of these missing parts that I found
+it hard at times to believe them absent. Often
+at night I would try with one lost hand to
+grope for the other. As, however, I had no
+pain in the right arm, the sense of the
+existence of that limb gradually disappeared, as
+did that of my legs also.
+
+Everything was done for my neuralgia
+which the doctors could think of; and at
+length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as
+I have said, from the Stump Hospital to the
+United States Army Hospital for Injuries
+and Diseases of the Nervous System. It was
+a pleasant, suburban, old-fashioned country-
+seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of
+wooden, one-story wards, shaded by fine trees.
+There were some three hundred cases of
+epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus's dance, and wounds
+of nerves. On one side of me lay a poor fellow,
+a Dane, who had the same burning neuralgia
+with which I once suffered, and which I now
+learned was only too common. This man
+had become hysterical from pain. He carried
+a sponge in his pocket, and a bottle of 
+water in one hand, with which he constantly
+wetted the burning hand. Every sound
+increased his torture, and he even poured water
+into his boots to keep himself from feeling
+too sensibly the rough friction of his soles
+when walking. Like him, I was greatly
+eased by having small doses of morphia
+injected under the skin of my shoulder with a
+hollow needle fitted to a syringe.
+
+As I improved under the morphia treatment,
+I began to be disturbed by the horrible
+variety of suffering about me. One man
+walked sideways; there was one who could
+not smell; another was dumb from an explosion.
+In fact, every one had his own abnormal
+peculiarity. Near me was a strange
+case of palsy of the muscles called
+rhomboids, whose office it is to hold down the
+shoulder-blades flat on the back during the
+motions of the arms, which, in themselves,
+were strong enough. When, however, he
+lifted these members, the shoulder-blades
+stood out from the back like wings, and got
+him the sobriquet of the ``Angel.'' In my
+ward were also the cases of fits, which very
+much annoyed me, as upon any great change
+in the weather it was common to have a
+dozen convulsions in view at once. Dr. Neek, 
+one of our physicians, told me that on one
+occasion a hundred and fifty fits took place
+within thirty-six hours. On my complaining
+of these sights, whence I alone could not fly,
+I was placed in the paralytic and wound
+ward, which I found much more pleasant.
+
+A month of skilful treatment eased me
+entirely of my aches, and I then began to
+experience certain curious feelings, upon
+which, having nothing to do and nothing
+to do anything with, I reflected a good deal.
+It was a good while before I could correctly
+explain to my own satisfaction the phenomena
+which at this time I was called upon
+to observe. By the various operations
+already described I had lost about four fifths
+of my weight. As a consequence of this I
+ate much less than usual, and could scarcely
+have consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept
+also but little; for, as sleep is the repose of
+the brain, made necessary by the waste of its
+tissues during thought and voluntary movement,
+and as this latter did not exist in my
+case, I needed only that rest which was
+necessary to repair such exhaustion of the nerve-
+centers as was induced by thinking and the
+automatic movements of the viscera.
+
+I observed at this time also that my heart, 
+in place of beating, as it once did, seventy-
+eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five
+times in this interval--a fact to be easily
+explained by the perfect quiescence to which
+I was reduced, and the consequent absence of
+that healthy and constant stimulus to the
+muscles of the heart which exercise occasions.
+
+Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my
+physical health was good, which, I confess,
+surprised me, for this among other reasons:
+It is said that a burn of two thirds of the
+surface destroys life, because then all the
+excretory matters which this portion of the
+glands of the skin evolved are thrown upon
+the blood, and poison the man, just as happens
+in an animal whose skin the physiologist
+has varnished, so as in this way to destroy
+its function. Yet here was I, having lost at
+least a third of my skin, and apparently none
+the worse for it.
+
+Still more remarkable, however, were the
+psychical changes which I now began to perceive.
+I found to my horror that at times I
+was less conscious of myself, of my own
+existence, than used to be the case. This
+sensation was so novel that at first it quite
+bewildered me. I felt like asking some one 
+constantly if I were really George Dedlow or
+not; but, well aware how absurd I should
+seem after such a question, I refrained from
+speaking of my case, and strove more keenly
+to analyze my feelings. At times the conviction
+of my want of being myself was overwhelming
+and most painful. It was, as well
+as I can describe it, a deficiency in the egoistic
+sentiment of individuality. About one half
+of the sensitive surface of my skin was gone,
+and thus much of relation to the outer world
+destroyed. As a consequence, a large part
+of the receptive central organs must be out
+of employ, and, like other idle things,
+degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all the great
+central ganglia, which give rise to movements in
+the limbs, were also eternally at rest. Thus
+one half of me was absent or functionally
+dead. This set me to thinking how much a
+man might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy
+enough to survive, I might part with
+my spleen at least, as many a dog has done,
+and grown fat afterwards. The other organs
+with which we breathe and circulate the blood
+would be essential; so also would the liver;
+but at least half of the intestines might be
+dispensed with, and of course all of the limbs.
+And as to the nervous system, the only parts 
+really necessary to life are a few small ganglia.
+Were the rest absent or inactive, we should
+have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest
+terms, and leading an almost vegetative
+existence. Would such a being, I asked myself,
+possess the sense of individuality in its usual
+completeness, even if his organs of sensation
+remained, and he were capable of consciousness?
+Of course, without them, he could
+not have it any more than a dahlia or a tulip.
+But with them--how then? I concluded that
+it would be at a minimum, and that, if utter
+loss of relation to the outer world were capable
+of destroying a man's consciousness of
+himself, the destruction of half of his sensitive
+surfaces might well occasion, in a less
+degree, a like result, and so diminish his
+sense of individual existence.
+
+I thus reached the conclusion that a man
+is not his brain, or any one part of it, but all
+of his economy, and that to lose any part
+must lessen this sense of his own existence.
+I found but one person who properly appreciated
+this great truth. She was a New England
+lady, from Hartford--an agent, I think,
+for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary.
+After I had told her my views and feelings
+she said: ``Yes, I comprehend. The fractional 
+entities of vitality are embraced in the
+oneness of the unitary Ego. Life,'' she added,
+``is the garnered condensation of objective
+impressions; and as the objective is the
+remote father of the subjective, so must
+individuality, which is but focused subjectivity,
+suffer and fade when the sensation lenses, by
+which the rays of impression are condensed,
+become destroyed.'' I am not quite clear that
+I fully understood her, but I think she
+appreciated my ideas, and I felt grateful for
+her kindly interest.
+
+The strange want I have spoken of now
+haunted and perplexed me so constantly that
+I became moody and wretched. While in
+this state, a man from a neighboring ward
+fell one morning into conversation with the
+chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some
+of their words arrested my attention, and I
+turned my head to see and listen. The
+speaker, who wore a sergeant's chevron and
+carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely
+made person, with a pale face, light eyes of
+a washed-out blue tint, and very sparse yellow
+whiskers. His mouth was weak, both
+lips being almost alike, so that the organ
+might have been turned upside down without
+affecting its expression. His forehead, 
+however, was high and thinly covered with sandy
+hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist,
+will feeble; emotional, but not passionate;
+likely to be an enthusiast or a weakly bigot.
+
+I caught enough of what passed to make
+me call to the sergeant when the chaplain
+left him.
+
+``Good morning,'' said he. ``How do you
+get on?''
+
+``Not at all,'' I replied. ``Where were you
+hit?''
+
+``Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the
+shoulder. I have what the doctors call paralysis
+of the median nerve, but I guess Dr.
+Neek and the lightnin' battery will fix it.
+When my time's out I'll go back to Kearsarge
+and try on the school-teaching again.
+I've done my share.''
+
+``Well,'' said I, ``you're better off than I.''
+
+``Yes,'' he answered, ``in more ways than
+one. I belong to the New Church. It's a
+great comfort for a plain man like me, when
+he's weary and sick, to be able to turn away
+from earthly things and hold converse daily
+with the great and good who have left this
+here world. We have a circle in Coates
+street. If it wa'n't for the consoling I get
+there, I'd of wished myself dead many a time. 
+I ain't got kith or kin on earth; but this
+matters little, when one can just talk to them
+daily and know that they are in the spheres
+above us.''
+
+``It must be a great comfort,'' I replied,
+``if only one could believe it.''
+
+``Believe!'' he repeated. ``How can you
+help it? Do you suppose anything dies?''
+
+``No,'' I said. ``The soul does not, I am sure;
+and as to matter, it merely changes form.''
+
+``But why, then,'' said he, ``should not the
+dead soul talk to the living? In space, no
+doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in
+finer, more ethereal being. You can't suppose
+a naked soul moving about without a
+bodily garment--no creed teaches that; and
+if its new clothing be of like substance to
+ours, only of ethereal fineness,--a more delicate
+recrystallization about the eternal spiritual
+nucleus,--must it not then possess
+powers as much more delicate and refined as
+is the new material in which it is reclad?''
+
+``Not very clear,'' I answered; ``but, after
+all, the thing should be susceptible of some
+form of proof to our present senses.''
+
+``And so it is,'' said he. ``Come to-morrow
+with me, and you shall see and hear for yourself.''
+
+``I will,'' said I, ``if the doctor will lend
+me the ambulance.''
+
+It was so arranged, as the surgeon in
+charge was kind enough, as usual, to oblige
+me with the loan of his wagon, and two
+orderlies to lift my useless trunk.
+
+On the day following I found myself, with
+my new comrade, in a house in Coates street,
+where a ``circle'' was in the daily habit of
+meeting. So soon as I had been comfortably
+deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large pine
+table, the rest of those assembled seated
+themselves, and for some time preserved an
+unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized
+the persons present. Next to me, on
+my right, sat a flabby man, with ill-marked,
+baggy features and injected eyes. He was,
+as I learned afterwards, an eclectic doctor,
+who had tried his hand at medicine and several
+of its quackish variations, finally settling
+down on eclecticism, which I believe professes
+to be to scientific medicine what vegetarianism
+is to common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next
+to him sat a female-authoress, I think, of
+two somewhat feeble novels, and much pleasanter
+to look at than her books. She was, I
+thought, a good deal excited at the prospect
+of spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a 
+pallid, care-worn young woman, with very
+red lips, and large brown eyes of great
+beauty. She was, as I learned afterwards,
+a magnetic patient of the doctor, and had
+deserted her husband, a master mechanic, to
+follow this new light. The others were, like
+myself, strangers brought hither by mere
+curiosity. One of them was a lady in deep
+black, closely veiled. Beyond her, and
+opposite to me, sat the sergeant, and next to
+him the medium, a man named Brink. He
+wore a good deal of jewelry, and had large
+black side-whiskers--a shrewd-visaged, large-
+nosed, full-lipped man, formed by nature to
+appreciate the pleasant things of sensual
+existence.
+
+Before I had ended my survey, he turned
+to the lady in black, and asked if she wished
+to see any one in the spirit-world.
+
+She said, ``Yes,'' rather feebly.
+
+``Is the spirit present?'' he asked. Upon
+which two knocks were heard in affirmation.
+``Ah!'' said the medium, ``the name is--it is
+the name of a child. It is a male child. It
+is--''
+
+``Alfred!'' she cried. ``Great Heaven! My
+child! My boy!''
+
+On this the medium arose, and became 
+strangely convulsed. ``I see,'' he said--``I
+see--a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes--I
+see above you, beyond you--'' at the same
+time pointing fixedly over her head.
+
+She turned with a wild start. ``Where--
+whereabouts?''
+
+``A blue-eyed boy,'' he continued, ``over
+your head. He cries--he says, `Mama,
+mama!' ''
+
+The effect of this on the woman was
+unpleasant. She stared about her for a moment,
+and exclaiming, ``I come--I am coming,
+Alfy!'' fell in hysterics on the floor.
+
+Two or three persons raised her, and aided
+her into an adjoining room; but the rest
+remained at the table, as though well accustomed
+to like scenes.
+
+After this several of the strangers were
+called upon to write the names of the dead
+with whom they wished to communicate.
+The names were spelled out by the agency
+of affirmative knocks when the correct letters
+were touched by the applicant, who was
+furnished with an alphabet-card upon which
+he tapped the letters in turn, the medium,
+meanwhile, scanning his face very keenly.
+With some, the names were readily made
+out. With one, a stolid personage of 
+disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at
+last the spirits signified by knocks that he
+was a disturbing agency, and that while he
+remained all our efforts would fail. Upon
+this some of the company proposed that he
+should leave; of which invitation he took
+advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole
+performance.
+
+As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and
+whispered to the medium, who next addressed
+himself to me. ``Sister Euphemia,'' he said,
+indicating the lady with large eyes, ``will
+act as your medium. I am unable to do
+more. These things exhaust my nervous
+system.''
+
+``Sister Euphemia,'' said the doctor, ``will
+aid us. Think, if you please, sir, of a spirit,
+and she will endeavor to summon it to our
+circle.''
+
+Upon this a wild idea came into my head.
+I answered: ``I am thinking as you directed
+me to do.''
+
+The medium sat with her arms folded,
+looking steadily at the center of the table.
+For a few moments there was silence. Then
+a series of irregular knocks began. ``Are
+you present?'' said the medium.
+
+The affirmative raps were twice given.
+
+``I should think,'' said the doctor, ``that
+there were two spirits present.''
+
+His words sent a thrill through my heart.
+
+``Are there two?'' he questioned.
+
+A double rap.
+
+``Yes, two,'' said the medium. ``Will it
+please the spirits to make us conscious of
+their names in this world?''
+
+A single knock. ``No.''
+
+``Will it please them to say how they are
+called in the world of spirits?''
+
+Again came the irregular raps--3, 4, 8, 6;
+then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, 7.
+
+``I think,'' said the authoress, ``they must
+be numbers. Will the spirits,'' she said, ``be
+good enough to aid us? Shall we use the
+alphabet?''
+
+``Yes,'' was rapped very quickly.
+
+``Are these numbers?''
+
+``Yes,'' again.
+
+``I will write them,'' she added, and, doing
+so, took up the card and tapped the letters.
+The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran
+thus as she tapped, in turn, first the letters,
+and last the numbers she had already set
+down:
+
+``UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM,
+Nos. 3486, 3487.''
+
+The medium looked up with a puzzled expression.
+
+``Good gracious!'' said I, ``they are MY LEGS
+--MY LEGS!''
+
+What followed, I ask no one to believe
+except those who, like myself, have communed
+with the things of another sphere.
+Suddenly I felt a strange return of my self-
+consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to
+speak. A strange wonder filled me, and, to
+the amazement of every one, I arose, and,
+staggering a little, walked across the room
+on limbs invisible to them or me. It was no
+wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly reflected,
+my legs had been nine months in the strongest
+alcohol. At this instant all my new friends
+crowded around me in astonishment. Presently,
+however, I felt myself sinking slowly.
+My legs were going, and in a moment I was
+resting feebly on my two stumps upon the
+floor. It was too much. All that was left
+of me fainted and rolled over senseless.
+
+I have little to add. I am now at home in
+the West, surrounded by every form of kindness
+and every possible comfort; but alas!
+I have so little surety of being myself that I
+doubt my own honesty in drawing my pension,
+and feel absolved from gratitude to 
+those who are kind to a being who is uncertain
+of being enough himself to be conscientiously
+responsible. It is needless to add
+that I am not a happy fraction of a man,
+and that I am eager for the day when I shall
+rejoin the lost members of my corporeal
+family in another and a happier world.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack
+
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