diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693-0.txt | 3239 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 69395 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 73242 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693-h/693-h.htm | 3709 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693.txt | 3238 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 693.zip | bin | 0 -> 69056 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/auqak10.txt | 4440 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/auqak10.zip | bin | 0 -> 68129 bytes |
11 files changed, 14642 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/693-0.txt b/693-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..236a8e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/693-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3239 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case +Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case Of George Dedlow + +Author: S. Weir Mitchell + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #693] +Last Updated: November 15, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +AND + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + +By S. Weir Mitchell, M.D., LL.D. Harvard And Edinburgh + + + + +CONTENTS + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +Both of the tales in this little volume appeared originally in the +“Atlantic Monthly” as anonymous contributions. I owe to the present +owners of that journal permission to use them. “The Autobiography of a +Quack” has been recast with large additions. + +“The Case of George Dedlow” was not written with any intention that it +should appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the Rev. Dr. Furness +and forgot it. This gentleman sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett +Hale. He, presuming, I fancy, that every one desired to appear in the +“Atlantic,” offered it to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards +I received a proof and a check. The story was inserted as a leading +article without my name. It was at once accepted by many as the +description of a real case. Money was collected in several places to +assist the unfortunate man, and benevolent persons went to the “Stump +Hospital,” in Philadelphia, to see the sufferer and to offer him aid. +The spiritual incident at the end of the story was received with joy by +the spiritualists as a valuable proof of the truth of their beliefs. + +S. WEIR MITCHELL + + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +At this present moment of time I am what the doctors call an interesting +case, and am to be found in bed No. 10, Ward 11, Massachusetts General +Hospital. I am told that I have what is called Addison’s disease, and +that it is this pleasing malady which causes me to be covered with large +blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, it is a rather grim subject +to joke about, because, if I believed the doctor who comes around every +day, and thumps me, and listens to my chest with as much pleasure as +if I were music all through--I say, if I really believed him, I should +suppose I was going to die. The fact is, I don’t believe him at +all. Some of these days I shall take a turn and get about again; but +meanwhile it is rather dull for a stirring, active person like me to +have to lie still and watch myself getting big brown and yellow spots +all over me, like a map that has taken to growing. + +The man on my right has consumption--smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs +all night. The man on my left is a down-easter with a liver which has +struck work; looks like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives to whittle +jackstraws all day, and eat as he does, I can’t understand. I have tried +reading and tried whittling, but they don’t either of them satisfy me, +so that yesterday I concluded to ask the doctor if he couldn’t suggest +some other amusement. + +I waited until he had gone through the ward, and then seized my chance, +and asked him to stop a moment. + +“Well, my man,” said he, “what do you want!” + +I thought him rather disrespectful, but I replied, “Something to do, +doctor.” + +He thought a little, and then said: “I’ll tell you what to do. I think +if you were to write out a plain account of your life it would be pretty +well worth reading. If half of what you told me last week be true, you +must be about as clever a scamp as there is to be met with. I suppose +you would just as lief put it on paper as talk it.” + +“Pretty nearly,” said I. “I think I will try it, doctor.” + +After he left I lay awhile thinking over the matter. I knew well that I +was what the world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I had got little +good out of the fact. If a man is what people call virtuous, and fails +in life, he gets credit at least for the virtue; but when a man is +a--is--well, one of liberal views, and breaks down, somehow or other +people don’t credit him with even the intelligence he has put into the +business. This I call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction the +energy and skill with which I did my work, I should be nothing but +disgusted at the melancholy spectacle of my failure. I suppose that +I shall at least find occupation in reviewing all this, and I +think, therefore, for my own satisfaction, I shall try to amuse my +convalescence by writing a plain, straightforward account of the life I +have led, and the various devices by which I have sought to get my share +of the money of my countrymen. It does appear to me that I have had no +end of bad luck. + +As no one will ever see these pages, I find it pleasant to recall for my +own satisfaction the fact that I am really a very remarkable man. I +am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five feet eleven, with a lot +of curly red hair, and blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another +unusual thing. My hands have often been noticed. I get them from my +mother, who was a Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, he was +rather common. He was a little man, red and round like an apple, but +very strong, for a reason I shall come to presently. The family must +have had a pious liking for Bible names, because he was called Zebulon, +my sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not a name for a gentleman. At +one time I thought of changing it, but I got over it by signing myself +“E. Sanderaft.” + +Where my father was born I do not know, except that it was somewhere in +New Jersey, for I remember that he was once angry because a man called +him a Jersey Spaniard. I am not much concerned to write about my people, +because I soon got above their level; and as to my mother, she died when +I was an infant. I get my manners, which are rather remarkable, from +her. + +My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept house for us, was a queer character. +She had a snug little property, about seven thousand dollars. An old +aunt left her the money because she was stone-deaf. As this defect came +upon her after she grew up, she still kept her voice. This woman was the +cause of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she is uncomfortable, +wherever she is. I think with satisfaction that I helped to make her +life uneasy when I was young, and worse later on. She gave away to the +idle poor some of her small income, and hid the rest, like a magpie, +in her Bible or rolled in her stockings, or in even queerer places. +The worst of her was that she could tell what people said by looking at +their lips; this I hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, her ways +of hiding her money proved useful, to me at least. As to Peninnah, she +was nothing special until she suddenly bloomed out into a rather +stout, pretty girl, took to ribbons, and liked what she called “keeping +company.” She ran errands for every one, waited on my aunt, and thought +I was a wonderful person--as indeed I was. I never could understand her +fondness for helping everybody. A fellow has got himself to think about, +and that is quite enough. I was told pretty often that I was the most +selfish boy alive. But, then, I am an unusual person, and there are +several names for things. + +My father kept a small shop for the sale of legal stationery and the +like, on Fifth street north of Chestnut. But his chief interest in life +lay in the bell-ringing of Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and +the whole business was in the hands of a kind of guild which is nearly +as old as the church. I used to hear more of it than I liked, because my +father talked of nothing else. But I do not mean to bore myself writing +of bells. I heard too much about “back shake,” “raising in peal,” + “scales,” and “touches,” and the Lord knows what. + +My earliest remembrance is of sitting on my father’s shoulder when he +led off the ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by reason of this +exercise. With one foot caught in a loop of leather nailed to the floor, +he would begin to pull No. 1, and by and by the whole peal would be +swinging, and he going up and down, to my joy; I used to feel as if it +was I that was making the great noise that rang out all over the town. +My familiar acquaintance with the old church and its lumber-rooms, where +were stored the dusty arms of William and Mary and George II., proved of +use in my later days. + +My father had a strong belief in my talents, and I do not think he was +mistaken. As he was quite uneducated, he determined that I should not +be. He had saved enough to send me to Princeton College, and when I +was about fifteen I was set free from the public schools. I never liked +them. The last I was at was the high school. As I had to come +down-town to get home, we used to meet on Arch street the boys from the +grammar-school of the university, and there were fights every week. In +winter these were most frequent, because of the snow-balling. A fellow +had to take his share or be marked as a deserter. I never saw any +personal good to be had out of a fight, but it was better to fight +than to be cobbed. That means that two fellows hold you, and the other +fellows kick you with their bent knees. It hurts. + +I find just here that I am describing a thing as if I were writing for +some other people to see. I may as well go on that way. After all, a +man never can quite stand off and look at himself as if he was the only +person concerned. He must have an audience, or make believe to have one, +even if it is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I be unwilling, if +it were safe, to let people see how great ability may be defeated by the +crankiness of fortune. + +I may add here that a stone inside of a snowball discourages the fellow +it hits. But neither our fellows nor the grammar-school used stones in +snowballs. I rather liked it. If we had a row in the springtime we all +threw stones, and here was one of those bits of stupid custom no man can +understand; because really a stone outside of a snowball is much more +serious than if it is mercifully padded with snow. I felt it to be +a rise in life when I got out of the society of the common boys who +attended the high school. + +When I was there a man by the name of Dallas Bache was the head master. +He had a way of letting the boys attend to what he called the character +of the school. Once I had to lie to him about taking another boy’s ball. +He told my class that I had denied the charge, and that he always took +it for granted that a boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough what +would happen. It did. After that I was careful. + +Princeton was then a little college, not expensive, which was very well, +as my father had some difficulty to provide even the moderate amount +needed. + +I soon found that if I was to associate with the upper set of young men +I needed money. For some time I waited in vain. But in my second year +I discovered a small gold-mine, on which I drew with a moderation which +shows even thus early the strength of my character. + +I used to go home once a month for a Sunday visit, and on these +occasions I was often able to remove from my aunt’s big Bible a five- or +ten-dollar note, which otherwise would have been long useless. + +Now and then I utilized my opportunities at Princeton. I very much +desired certain things like well-made clothes, and for these I had to +run in debt to a tailor. When he wanted pay, and threatened to send the +bill to my father, I borrowed from two or three young Southerners; but +at last, when they became hard up, my aunt’s uncounted hoard proved a +last resource, or some rare chance in a neighboring room helped me out. +I never did look on this method as of permanent usefulness, and it was +only the temporary folly of youth. + +Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, I took no large amount +of education, although I was fond of reading, and especially of novels, +which are, I think, very instructive to the young, especially the novels +of Smollett and Fielding. + +There is, however, little need to dwell on this part of my life. +College students in those days were only boys, and boys are very strange +animals. They have instincts. They somehow get to know if a fellow does +not relate facts as they took place. I like to put it that way, because, +after all, the mode of putting things is only one of the forms of +self-defense, and is less silly than the ordinary wriggling methods +which boys employ, and which are generally useless. I was rather given +to telling large stories just for the fun of it and, I think, told them +well. But somehow I got the reputation of not being strictly definite, +and when it was meant to indicate this belief they had an ill-mannered +way of informing you. This consisted in two or three fellows standing up +and shuffling noisily with their feet on the floor. When first I heard +this I asked innocently what it meant, and was told it was the noise +of the bearers’ feet coming to take away Ananias. This was considered a +fine joke. + +During my junior year I became unpopular, and as I was very cautious, I +cannot see why. At last, being hard up, I got to be foolishly reckless. +But why dwell on the failures of immaturity? + +The causes which led to my leaving Nassau Hall were not, after all, +the mischievous outbreaks in which college lads indulge. Indeed, I have +never been guilty of any of those pieces of wanton wickedness which +injure the feelings of others while they lead to no useful result. +When I left to return home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon the +necessity of greater care in following out my inclinations, and from +that time forward I have steadily avoided, whenever it was possible, the +vulgar vice of directly possessing myself of objects to which I could +show no legal title. My father was indignant at the results of my +college career; and, according to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had +some effect in shortening his life. My sister believed my account of +the matter. It ended in my being used for a year as an assistant in the +shop, and in being taught to ring bells--a fine exercise, but not +proper work for a man of refinement. My father died while training his +bell-ringers in the Oxford triple bob--broke a blood-vessel somewhere. +How I could have caused that I do not see. + +I was now about nineteen years old, and, as I remember, a middle-sized, +well-built young fellow, with large eyes, a slight mustache, and, I have +been told, with very good manners and a somewhat humorous turn. Besides +these advantages, my guardian held in trust for me about two thousand +dollars. After some consultation between us, it was resolved that I +should study medicine. This conclusion was reached nine years before the +Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, for the sake of economy, +in Woodbury, New Jersey. From this time I saw very little of my deaf +aunt or of Peninnah. I was resolute to rise in the world, and not to be +weighted by relatives who were without my tastes and my manners. + +I set out for Philadelphia, with many good counsels from my aunt and +guardian. I look back upon this period as a turning-point of my life. +I had seen enough of the world already to know that if you can succeed +without exciting suspicion, it is by far the pleasantest way; and I +really believe that if I had not been endowed with so fatal a liking +for all the good things of life I might have lived along as reputably as +most men. This, however, is, and always has been, my difficulty, and +I suppose that I am not responsible for the incidents to which it gave +rise. Most men have some ties in life, but I have said I had none which +held me. Peninnah cried a good deal when we parted, and this, I think, +as I was still young, had a very good effect in strengthening my +resolution to do nothing which could get me into trouble. The janitor +of the college to which I went directed me to a boarding-house, where +I engaged a small third-story room, which I afterwards shared with Mr. +Chaucer of Georgia. He pronounced it, as I remember, “Jawjah.” + +In this very remarkable abode I spent the next two winters, and finally +graduated, along with two hundred more, at the close of my two years of +study. I should previously have been one year in a physician’s office as +a student, but this regulation was very easily evaded. As to my studies, +the less said the better. I attended the quizzes, as they call them, +pretty closely, and, being of a quick and retentive memory, was thus +enabled to dispense with some of the six or seven lectures a day which +duller men found it necessary to follow. + +Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty business for a gentleman, and on +this account I did just as little as was absolutely essential. In fact, +if a man took his tickets and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled +himself as to whether or not he did any more than this. A like evil +existed at the graduation: whether you squeezed through or passed with +credit was a thing which was not made public, so that I had absolutely +nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told that it is all very +different to-day. + +The astonishment with which I learned of my success was shared by the +numerous Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors and perfumed with +tobacco the rooms of our boarding-house. In my companions, during +the time of my studies so called, as in other matters of life, I was +somewhat unfortunate. All of them were Southern gentlemen, with +more money than I had. Many of them carried great sticks, usually +sword-canes, and some bowie-knives or pistols; also, they delighted in +swallow-tailed coats, long hair, broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight +boots. I often think of these gentlemen with affectionate interest, and +wonder how many are lying under the wheat-fields of Virginia. One could +see them any day sauntering along with their arms over their companions’ +shoulders, splendidly indifferent to the ways of the people about them. +They hated the “Nawth” and cursed the Yankees, and honestly believed +that the leanest of them was a match for any half a dozen of the +bulkiest of Northerners. I must also do them the justice to say that +they were quite as ready to fight as to brag, which, by the way, is no +meager statement. With these gentry--for whom I retain a respect which +filled me with regret at the recent course of events--I spent a good +deal of my large leisure. The more studious of both sections called us +a hard crowd. What we did, or how we did it, little concerns me here, +except that, owing to my esteem for chivalric blood and breeding, I was +led into many practices and excesses which cost my guardian and myself +a good deal of money. At the close of my career as a student I found +myself aged twenty-one years, and the owner of some seven hundred +dollars--the rest of my small estate having disappeared variously within +the last two years. After my friends had gone to their homes in the +South I began to look about me for an office, and finally settled upon +very good rooms in one of the down-town localities of the Quaker City. +I am not specific as to the number and street, for reasons which may +hereafter appear. I liked the situation on various accounts. It had +been occupied by a doctor; the terms were reasonable; and it lay on the +skirts of a good neighborhood, while below it lived a motley population, +among which I expected to get my first patients and such fees as were to +be had. Into this new home I moved my medical text-books, a few bones, +and myself. Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, upon which was +distinctly to be read: + +DR. E. SANDERAFT. Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + + +I felt now that I had done my fair share toward attaining a virtuous +subsistence, and so I waited tranquilly, and without undue enthusiasm, +to see the rest of the world do its part in the matter. Meanwhile I +read up on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at home all through my +office hours, and at intervals explored the strange section of the town +which lay to the south of my office. I do not suppose there is anything +like it else where. It was then filled with grog-shops, brothels, +slop-shops, and low lodging-houses. You could dine for a penny on soup +made from the refuse meats of the rich, gathered at back gates by a +horde of half-naked children, who all told varieties of one woeful tale. +Here, too, you could be drunk for five cents, and be lodged for three, +with men, women, and children of all colors lying about you. It was this +hideous mixture of black and white and yellow wretchedness which made +the place so peculiar. The blacks predominated, and had mostly +that swollen, reddish, dark skin, the sign in this race of habitual +drunkenness. Of course only the lowest whites were here--rag-pickers, +pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, and the like. All of this, as it +came before me, I viewed with mingled disgust and philosophy. I hated +filth, but I understood that society has to stand on somebody, and I was +only glad that I was not one of the undermost and worst-squeezed bricks. + +I can hardly believe that I waited a month without having been called +upon by a single patient. At last a policeman on our beat brought me a +fancy man with a dog-bite. This patient recommended me to his brother, +the keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and by very slow degrees I began +to get stray patients who were too poor to indulge in up-town doctors. +I found the police very useful acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar +now and then, I got most of the cases of cut heads and the like at the +next station-house. These, however, were the aristocrats of my practice; +the bulk of my patients were soap-fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, +hose-house bummers, and worse, with other and nameless trades, men and +women, white, black, or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, and +quarters with which I was reluctantly paid, I do not know; that, indeed, +was none of my business. They expected to pay, and they came to me in +preference to the dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, who +seemed to me to spend most of his days in the lanes and alleys about us. +Of course he received no pay except experience, since the dispensaries +in the Quaker City, as a rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; +and the vilest of the poor prefer a “pay doctor” to one of these +disinterested gentlemen, who cannot be expected to give their best +brains for nothing, when at everybody’s beck and call. I am told, indeed +I know, that most young doctors do a large amount of poor practice, as +it is called; but, for my own part, I think it better for both parties +when the doctor insists upon some compensation being made to him. This +has been usually my own custom, and I have not found reason to regret +it. + +Notwithstanding my strict attention to my own interests, I have been +rather sorely dealt with by fate upon several occasions, where, so far +as I could see, I was vigilantly doing everything in my power to keep +myself out of trouble or danger. I may as well relate one of them, +merely to illustrate of how little value a man’s intellect may be when +fate and the prejudices of the mass of men are against him. + +One evening, late, I myself answered a ring at the bell, and found a +small black boy on the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, curled +darkness for hair, and teeth like new tombstones. It was pretty cold, +and he was relieving his feet by standing first on one and then on the +other. He did not wait for me to speak. + +“Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 +Bedford street.” + +The locality did not look like pay, but it is hard to say in this +quarter, because sometimes you found a well-to-do “brandy-snifter” + (local for gin-shop) or a hard-working “leather-jeweler” (ditto for +shoemaker), with next door, in a house better or worse, dozens of human +rats for whom every police trap in the city was constantly set. + +With a doubt in my mind as to whether I should find a good patient or +some dirty nigger, I sought the place to which I had been directed. +I did not like its looks; but I blundered up an alley and into a back +room, where I fell over somebody, and was cursed and told to lie down +and keep easy, or somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would make +me. At last I lit on a staircase which led into the alley, and, after +much useless inquiry, got as high as the garret. People hereabout did +not know one another, or did not want to know, so that it was of little +avail to ask questions. At length I saw a light through the cracks in +the attic door, and walked in. To my amazement, the first person I saw +was a woman of about thirty-five, in pearl-gray Quaker dress--one of +your quiet, good-looking people. She was seated on a stool beside a +straw mattress upon which lay a black woman. There were three others +crowded close around a small stove, which was red-hot--an unusual +spectacle in this street. Altogether a most nasty den. + +As I came in, the little Quaker woman got up and said: “I took the +liberty of sending for thee to look at this poor woman. I am afraid she +has the smallpox. Will thee be so kind as to look at her?” And with this +she held down the candle toward the bed. + +“Good gracious!” I said hastily, seeing how the creature was speckled “I +didn’t understand this, or I would not have come. I have important cases +which I cannot subject to the risk of contagion. Best let her alone, +miss,” I added, “or send her to the smallpox hospital.” + +Upon my word, I was astonished at the little woman’s indignation. She +said just those things which make you feel as if somebody had been +calling you names or kicking you--Was I really a doctor? and so on. +It did not gain by being put in the ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. +However, I never did fancy smallpox, and what could a fellow get by +doctoring wretches like these? So I held my tongue and went away. About +a week afterwards I met Evans, the dispensary man, a very common fellow, +who was said to be frank. + +“Helloa!” says he. “Doctor, you made a nice mistake about that darky +at No. 709 Bedford street the other night. She had nothing but measles, +after all.” + +“Of course I knew,” said I, laughing; “but you don’t think I was going +in for dispensary trash, do you?” + +“I should think not,” said Evans. + +I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker had taken an absurd fancy +to the man because he had doctored the darky and would not let the +Quakeress pay him. The end was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the +Southwark Dispensary, where they do pay the doctors, Miss Barker was +malignant enough to take advantage of my oversight by telling the whole +story to the board; so that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + +You may be pretty sure that I found rather slow the kind of practice I +have described, and began to look about for chances of bettering myself. +In this sort of locality rather risky cases turned up now and then; +and as soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, I began to get the +peculiar sort of practice I wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I +found myself, at the close of three years, with all my means spent, and +just able to live meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no means suited +a man of my refined tastes. + +Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, and was able to secure moderate +aid by overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to these changes of +property I was careful, and did not venture to secure the large amount +I needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time hidden, and I judged +it, therefore, to be her chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly +distrusted. + +Six months went by, and I was worse off than ever--two months in arrears +of rent, and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and liquor-dealers. Now +and then some good job, such as a burglar with a cut head, helped me +for a while; but, on the whole, I was like Slider Downeyhylle in Neal’s +“Charcoal Sketches,” and kept going “downer and downer” the more I tried +not to. Something had to be done. + +It occurred to me, about this time, that if I moved into a more genteel +locality I might get a better class of patients, and yet keep the best +of those I now had. To do this it was necessary to pay my rent, and +the more so because I was in a fair way to have no house at all over my +head. But here fortune interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm on +Seventh Street, and ran to catch an omnibus. As I pulled open the door +I saw behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. I laughed and jumped in. +She had to run a little before the ‘bus again stopped. She got pretty +wet. An old man in the corner, who seemed in the way of taking charge of +other people’s manners, said to me: “Young man, you ought to be ashamed +to get in before the lady, and in this pour, too!” + +I said calmly, “But you got in before her.” + +He made no reply to this obvious fact, as he might have been in the +bus a half-hour. A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a laugh, +“Rather neat, that,” and, turning, tried to pull up a window-sash. In +the effort something happened, and he broke the glass, cutting his +hand in half a dozen places. While he was using several quite profane +phrases, I caught his hand and said, “I am a surgeon,” and tied my +handkerchief around the bleeding palm. + +The guardian of manners said, “I hope you are not much hurt, but there +was no reason why you should swear.” + +On this my patient said, “Go to ----,” which silenced the monitor. + +I explained to the wounded man that the cuts should be looked after at +once. The matter was arranged by our leaving the ‘bus, and, as the rain +had let up, walking to his house. This was a large and quite luxurious +dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for his wounds, which, as I had +informed him, required immediate attention. It was at this time summer, +and his wife and niece, the only other members of his family, were +absent. On my second visit I made believe to remove some splinters of +glass which I brought with me. He said they showed how shamefully thin +was that omnibus window-pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the end of +the month,--for one wound was long in healing,--presented me with one +hundred dollars. This paid my small rental, and as Mr. Poynter allowed +me to refer to him, I was able to get a better office and bedroom on +Spruce street. I saw no more of my patient until winter, although I +learned that he was a stock-broker, not in the very best repute, but of +a well-known family. + +Meanwhile my move had been of small use. I was wise enough, however, to +keep up my connection with my former clients, and contrived to live. It +was no more than that. One day in December I was overjoyed to see +Mr. Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very pale, and never, to my +remembrance, without a permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and now +at once I saw that he wanted something. + +I hated the way that man saw through me. He went on without hesitation, +taking me for granted. He began by saying he had confidence in my +judgment, and when a man says that you had better look out. He said he +had a niece who lived with him, a brother’s child; that she was out of +health and ought not to marry, which was what she meant to do. She was +scared about her health, because she had a cough, and had lost a brother +of consumption. I soon came to understand that, for reasons unknown +to me, my friend did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, he also +informed me, was troubled as to the niece’s health. Now, he said, he +wished to consult me as to what he should do. I suspected at once that +he had not told me all. + +I have often wondered at the skill with which I managed this rather +delicate matter. I knew I was not well enough known to be of direct +use, and was also too young to have much weight. I advised him to get +Professor C. + +Then my friend shook his head. He said in reply, “But suppose, doctor, +he says there is nothing wrong with the girl?” + +Then I began to understand him. + +“Oh,” I said, “you get a confidential written opinion from him. You can +make it what you please when you tell her.” + +He said no. It would be best for me to ask the professor to see Miss +Poynter; might mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I was to get +his opinion in writing. + +“Well?” said I. + +“After that I want you to write me a joint opinion to meet the case--all +the needs of the case, you see.” + +I saw, but hesitated as to how much would make it worth while to pull +his hot chestnuts out of the fire--one never knows how hot the chestnuts +are. + +Then he said, “Ever take a chance in stocks?” + +I said, “No.” + +He said that he would lend me a little money and see what he could do +with it. And here was his receipt from me for one thousand dollars, and +here, too, was my order to buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to Sign +it? I did. + +I was to call in two days at his house, and meantime I could think it +over. It seemed to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the young woman--well, +supposing is awfully destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I had +only to misunderstand the professor’s opinion. I went to the house, and +talked to Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter came in, and +began to lament her niece’s declining health. After that I saw Miss +Poynter. There is a kind of innocent-looking woman who knows no more of +the world than a young chicken, and is choke-full of emotions. I saw it +would be easy to frighten her. There are some instruments anybody can +get any tune they like out of. I was very grave, and advised her to see +the professor. And would I write to ask him, said Mr. Poynter. I said I +would. + +As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: “You will clear some four hundred +easy. Write to the professor. Bring my receipt to the office next week, +and we will settle.” + +We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave him one for fifteen hundred +dollars, and received in notes five hundred dollars. + +In a day or so I had a note from the professor stating that Miss Poynter +was in no peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, and had only a +mild bronchial trouble. He advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured +to reassure my young patient. Now, this was a little more than I +wanted. However, I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought she had +bronchitis, that in her case tubercle would be very apt to follow, +and that at present, and until she was safe, we considered marriage +undesirable. + +Mr. Poynter said it might have been put stronger, but he would make it +do. He made it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. The final +result was that she eloped with her lover, because if she was to die, +as she wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her husband’s arms. Human +nature plus hysteria will defy all knowledge of character. This was what +our old professor of practice used to say. + +Mr. Poynter had now to account for a large trust estate which had +somehow dwindled. Unhappily, princes are not the only people in whom you +must not put your trust. As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to know +the facts, and cut me dead. It was unpleasant, but I had my five hundred +dollars, and--I needed them. I do not see how I could have been more +careful. + +After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter broke, and did not even pay +my last bill. I had to accept several rather doubtful cases, and once a +policeman I knew advised me that I had better be on my guard. + +But, really, so long as I adhered to the common code of my profession I +was in danger of going without my dinner. + +Just as I was at my worst and in despair something always turned up, but +it was sure to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see me, and Peninnah +wrote me goody-goody letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable to +find certain bank-notes she had hidden, and vowed I had taken them. This +Peninnah did not think possible. I agreed with her. The notes were +found somewhat later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my aunt’s old +slippers. Of course I wrote an indignant letter. My aunt declared that +Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored them when they were missed. +Poor Peninnah! This did not seem to me very likely, but Peninnah did +love fine clothes. + +One night, as I was debating with myself as to how I was to improve my +position, I heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to the door, let in +a broad-shouldered man with a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He +wore a heavy black beard and mustache, and looked like the wolf in the +pictures of Red Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + +“Your name’s Sanderaft?” said the man. + +“Yes; that’s my name--Dr. Sanderaft.” + +As he sat down he shook the snow over everything, and said coolly: “Set +down, doc; I want to talk with you.” + +“What can I do for you?” said I. + +The man looked around the room rather scornfully, at the same time +throwing back his coat and displaying a red neckerchief and a huge +garnet pin. “Guess you’re not overly rich,” he said. + +“Not especially,” said I. “What’s that your business?” + +He did not answer, but merely said, “Know Simon Stagers?” + +“Can’t say I do,” said I, cautiously. Simon was a burglar who had blown +off two fingers when mining a safe. I had attended him while he was +hiding. + +“Can’t say you do. Well, you can lie, and no mistake. Come, now, doc. +Simon says you’re safe, and I want to have a leetle plain talk with +you.” + +With this he laid ten gold eagles on the table. I put out my hand +instinctively. + +“Let ‘em alone,” cried the man, sharply. “They’re easy earned, and ten +more like ‘em.” + +“For doing what?” I said. + +The man paused a moment, and looked around him; next he stared at me, +and loosened his cravat with a hasty pull. “You’re the coroner,” said +he. + +“I! What do you mean?” + +“Yes, you’re the coroner; don’t you understand?” and so saying, he +shoved the gold pieces toward me. + +“Very good,” said I; “we will suppose I’m the coroner. What next?” + +“And being the coroner,” said he, “you get this note, which requests you +to call at No. 9 Blank street to examine the body of a young man which +is supposed--only supposed, you see--to have--well, to have died under +suspicious circumstances.” + +“Go on,” said I. + +“No,” he returned; “not till I know how you like it. Stagers and another +knows it; and it wouldn’t be very safe for you to split, besides not +making nothing out of it. But what I say is this, Do you like the +business of coroner?” + +I did not like it; but just then two hundred in gold was life to me, so +I said: “Let me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.” + +“That’s square enough,” said the man. “My wife’s got”--correcting +himself with a shivery shrug--“my wife had a brother that took to +cutting up rough because when I’d been up too late I handled her a +leetle hard now and again. + +“Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just then--you see, he lived with +us. When he got better I guessed he’d drop all that; but somehow he was +worse than ever--clean off his head, and strong as an ox. My wife said +to put him away in an asylum. I didn’t think that would do. At last he +tried to get out. He was going to see the police about--well--the +thing was awful serious, and my wife carrying on like mad, and wanting +doctors. I had no mind to run, and something had got to be done. So +Simon Stagers and I talked it over. The end of it was, he took worse of +a sudden, and got so he didn’t know nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. +He said it was a perforation, and there ought to have been a doctor when +he was first took sick. + +“Well, the man died, and as I kept about the house, my wife had +no chance to talk. The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a +certificate. I thought we were done with it. But my wife she writes +a note and gives it to a boy in the alley to put in the post. We +suspicioned her, and Stagers was on the watch. After the boy got away a +bit, Simon bribed him with a quarter to give him the note, which wasn’t +no less than a request to the coroner to come to the house to-morrow and +make an examination, as foul play was suspected--and poison.” + +When the man quit talking he glared at me. I sat still. I was cold all +over. I was afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides which, I did +not doubt that there was a good deal of money in the case. + +“Of course,” said I, “it’s nonsense; only I suppose you don’t want the +officers about, and a fuss, and that sort of thing.” + +“Exactly,” said my friend. “It’s all bosh about poison. You’re the +coroner. You take this note and come to my house. Says you: ‘Mrs. File, +are you the woman that wrote this note? Because in that case I must +examine the body.’” + +“I see,” said I; “she needn’t know who I am, or anything else; but if I +tell her it’s all right, do you think she won’t want to know why there +isn’t a jury, and so on?” + +“Bless you,” said the man, “the girl isn’t over seventeen, and doesn’t +know no more than a baby. As we live up-town miles away, she won’t know +anything about you.” + +“I’ll do it,” said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, it involved no sort of +risk; “but I must have three hundred dollars.” + +“And fifty,” added the wolf, “if you do it well.” + +Then I knew it was serious. + +With this the man buttoned about him a shaggy gray overcoat, and took +his leave without a single word in addition. + +A minute later he came back and said: “Stagers is in this business, and +I was to remind you of Lou Wilson,--I forgot that,--the woman that died +last year. That’s all.” Then he went away, leaving me in a cold sweat. I +knew now I had no choice. I understood why I had been selected. + +For the first time in my life, that night I couldn’t sleep. I thought +to myself, at last, that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, +and escape, leaving my books to pay as they might my arrears of rent. +Looking out of the window, however, in the morning, I saw Stagers +prowling about the opposite pavement; and as the only exit except the +street door was an alleyway which opened along-side of the front of the +house, I gave myself up for lost. About ten o’clock I took my case +of instruments and started for File’s house, followed, as I too well +understood, by Stagers. + +I knew the house, which was in a small uptown street, by its closed +windows and the craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. However, +it was too late to draw back, and I therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A +haggard-looking young woman came down, and led me into a small parlor, +for whose darkened light I was thankful enough. + +“Did you write this note?” + +“I did,” said the woman, “if you’re the coroner. Joe File--he’s my +husband--he’s gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it was his, I +do.” + +“What do you suspect?” said I. + +“I’ll tell you,” she returned in a whisper. “I think he was made away +with. I think there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. That’s what +I think.” + +“I hope you may be mistaken,” said I. “Suppose you let me see the body.” + +“You shall see it,” she replied; and following her, I went up-stairs to +a front chamber, where I found the corpse. + +“Get it over soon,” said the woman, with strange firmness. “If there +ain’t no murder been done I shall have to run for it; if there was”--and +her face set hard--“I guess I’ll stay.” With this she closed the door +and left me with the dead. + +If I had known what was before me I never could have gone into the thing +at all. It looked a little better when I had opened a window and let in +plenty of light; for although I was, on the whole, far less afraid of +dead than living men, I had an absurd feeling that I was doing this dead +man a distinct wrong--as if it mattered to the dead, after all! When the +affair was over, I thought more of the possible consequences than of its +relation to the dead man himself; but do as I would at the time, I was +in a ridiculous funk, and especially when going through the forms of a +post-mortem examination. + +I am free to confess now that I was careful not to uncover the man’s +face, and that when it was over I backed to the door and hastily escaped +from the room. On the stairs opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with +her bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + +“Well,” said she, rising as she spoke, and with a certain eagerness in +her tone, “what killed him? Was it poison?” + +“Poison, my good woman!” said I. “When a man has typhoid fever he don’t +need poison to kill him. He had a relapse, that’s all.” + +“And do you mean to say he wasn’t poisoned,” said she, with more than a +trace of disappointment in her voice--“not poisoned at all?” + +“No more than you are,” said I. “If I had found any signs of foul play I +should have had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said about it the +better. The fact is, it would have been much wiser to have kept quiet at +the beginning. I can’t understand why you should have troubled me about +it at all. The man had a perforation. It is common enough in typhoid.” + +“That’s what the doctor said--I didn’t believe him. I guess now the +sooner I leave the better for me.” + +“As to that,” I returned, “it is none of my business; but you may rest +certain about the cause of your brother’s death.” + +My fears were somewhat quieted that evening when Stagers and the wolf +appeared with the remainder of the money, and I learned that Mrs. File +had fled from her home and, as File thought likely, from the city also. +A few months later File himself disappeared, and Stagers found his way +for the third time into the penitentiary. Then I felt at ease. I now +see, for my own part, that I was guilty of more than one mistake, and +that I displayed throughout a want of intelligence. I ought to have +asked more, and also might have got a good fee from Mrs. File on account +of my services as coroner. It served me, however, as a good lesson; but +it was several months before I felt quite comfortable. + +Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit’s +end to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, +among other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, +which I sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send +all my prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or +twenty cents over the correct price, and handed this amount to me. + +In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on +the part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for +it in the end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to +discountenance the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, +I had never done anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it +inclines a doctor to change his medicines a good deal, and to order them +in large quantities, which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as +I have always observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so +that I prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than +to concentrate it on myself. That’s a rather neat phrase. + +About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an +incident occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my +professional position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came +in, and putting down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton +handkerchief, and afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she +looked around uneasily, got up, settled her basket on her arm with a +jerk which may have decided the future of an egg or two, and remarked +briskly: “Don’t see no little bottles about; got the wrong stall, I +guess. You ain’t no homeopath doctor, are you?” + +With great presence of mind, I replied: “Well, ma’am, that depends upon +what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other.” + I was about to add, “You pay your money and you take your choice,” + but thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical +quotation. + +“Being as that’s the case,” said the old lady, “I’ll just tell you my +symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn’t you?” + +“Just so,” replied I. + +“Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe +says--tends the oyster-stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?” + +No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms? + +They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a +misery in the side, with bokin after victuals. + +I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, +though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it +rather difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one +instance where, having unconsciously applied my instrument over a +clamorous silver watch in the watchfob of a sea-captain, I concluded for +a moment that he was suffering from a rather remarkable displacement of +the heart. As to my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an +apple-stand near by, I told her that I was out of pills just then, but +would have plenty next day. Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small +amount at a place called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused +me immensely. + +A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a +counter containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely +“Lac.,” “Led.,” “Onis.,” “Op.,” “Puls.,” etc., while behind him were +shelves filled with bottles of what looked like minute white shot. + +“I want some homeopathic medicine,” said I. + +“Vat kindt?” said my friend. “Vat you vants to cure!” + +I explained at random that I wished to treat diseases in general. + +“Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,” and thereon produced a large box +containing bottles of small pills and powders, labeled variously with +the names of the diseases, so that all you required was to use the +headache or colic bottle in order to meet the needs of those particular +maladies. + +I was struck at first with the exquisite simplicity of this arrangement; +but before purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the leaves of a +book, in two volumes, which lay on the counter; it was called “Jahr’s +Manual.” Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon “Lachesis,” which +proved to my amazement to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to be +indicated for use in upward of a hundred symptoms. At once it occurred +to me that “Lach.” was the medicine for my money, and that it was quite +needless to waste cash on the box. I therefore bought a small jar of +“Lach.” and a lot of little pills, and started for home. + +My old woman proved a fast friend; and as she sent me numerous patients, +I by and by altered my sign to “Homeopathic Physician and Surgeon,” + whatever that may mean, and was regarded by my medical brothers as a +lost sheep, and by the little-pill doctors as one who had seen the error +of his ways. + +In point of fact, my new practice had decided advantages. All pills +looked and tasted alike, and the same might be said of the powders, so +that I was never troubled by those absurd investigations into the nature +of remedies which some patients are prone to make. Of course I desired +to get business, and it was therefore obviously unwise to give little +pills of “Lac.,” or “Puls.,” or “Sep.,” when a man needed a dose of +oil, or a white-faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the useful +discovery that it was only necessary to prescribe cod-liver oil, for +instance, as a diet, in order to make use of it where required. When +a man got impatient over an ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I +could persuade him to let me try a good dose of quinine; while, on the +other hand, there was a distinct pecuniary advantage in those cases +of the shakes which could be made to believe that it “was best not +to interfere with nature.” I ought to add that this kind of faith is +uncommon among folks who carry hods or build walls. + +For women who are hysterical, and go heart and soul into the business +of being sick, I have found the little pills a most charming resort, +because you cannot carry the refinement of symptoms beyond what my +friend Jahr has done in the way of fitting medicines to them, so that if +I had taken seriously to practising this double form of therapeutics, it +had, as I saw, certain conveniences. + +Another year went by, and I was beginning to prosper in my new mode of +life. My medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with variations as to +the labels) cost next to nothing; and as I charged pretty well for both +these and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + +I solemnly believe that I should have continued to succeed in the +practice of my profession if it had not happened that fate was once more +unkind to me, by throwing in my path one of my old acquaintances. I +had a consultation one day with the famous homeopath Dr. Zwanzig. As +we walked away we were busily discussing the case of a poor consumptive +fellow who previously had lost a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. +Zwanzig considered that the ten-thousandth of a grain of aurum would +be an overdose, and that it must be fractioned so as to allow for the +departed leg, otherwise the rest of the man would be getting a leg-dose +too much. I was particularly struck with this view of the case, but I +was still more, and less pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former +patient Stagers, who nodded to me familiarly from the opposite pavement. + +I was not at all surprised when, that evening quite late, I found this +worthy waiting in my office. I looked around uneasily, which was clearly +understood by my friend, who retorted: “Ain’t took nothin’ of yours, +doc. You don’t seem right awful glad to see me. You needn’t be +afraid--I’ve only fetched you a job, and a right good one, too.” + +I replied that I had my regular business, that I preferred he should get +some one else, and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware that I +had had enough of him. I did not ask him to sit down, and, just as I +supposed him about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, remarking, +“No use, doc; got to go into it this one time.” + +At this I, naturally enough, grew angry and used several rather violent +phrases. + +“No use, doc,” said Stagers. + +Then I softened down, and laughed a little, and treated the thing as a +joke, whatever it was, for I dreaded to hear. + +But Stagers was fate. Stagers was inevitable. “Won’t do, doc--not even +money wouldn’t get you off.” + +“No?” said I, interrogatively, and as coolly as I could, contriving at +the same time to move toward the window. It was summer, the sashes were +up, the shutters half drawn in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging +opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. I would give Stagers a scare, +charge him with theft--anything but get mixed up with his kind again. It +was the folly of a moment and I should have paid dear for it. + +He must have understood me, the scoundrel, for in an instant I felt a +cold ring of steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on my cravat. +“Sit down,” he said. “What a fool you are! Guess you forgot that there +coroner’s business and the rest.” Needless to say that I obeyed. “Best +not try that again,” continued my guest. “Wait a moment”; and rising, he +closed the window. + +There was no resource left but to listen; and what followed I shall +condense rather than relate it in the language employed by Mr. Stagers. + +It appeared that my other acquaintance Mr. File had been guilty of a +cold-blooded and long-premeditated murder, for which he had been tried +and convicted. He now lay in jail awaiting his execution, which was to +take place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed that with Stagers and +others he had formed a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. Their +business lay in the manufacture of South American currencies. File had +thus acquired a fortune so considerable that I was amazed at his having +allowed his passion to seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his agony +he unfortunately thought of me, and had bribed Stagers largely in order +that he might be induced to find me. When the narration had reached +this stage, and I had been made fully to understand that I was now and +hereafter under the sharp eye of Stagers and his friends, that, in a +word, escape was out of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + +“What does all this mean?” I said. “What does File expect me to do?” + +“Don’t believe he exactly knows,” said Stagers. “Something or other to +get him clear of hemp.” + +“But what stuff!” I replied. “How can I help him? What possible +influence could I exert?” + +“Can’t say,” answered Stagers, imperturbably. “File has a notion you’re +‘most cunning enough for anything. Best try something, doc.” + +“And what if I won’t do it?” said I. “What does it matter to me if the +rascal swings or no?” + +“Keep cool, doc,” returned Stagers. “I’m only agent in this here +business. My principal, that’s File, he says: ‘Tell Sanderaft to find +some way to get me clear. Once out, I give him ten thousand dollars. If +he don’t turn up something that will suit, I’ll blow about that coroner +business and Lou Wilson, and break him up generally.’” + +“You don’t mean,” said I, in a cold sweat--“you don’t mean that, if I +can’t do this impossible thing, he will inform on me?” + +“Just so,” returned Stagers. “Got a cigar, doc?” + +I only half heard him. What a frightful position! I had been leading a +happy and an increasingly profitable life--no scrapes and no dangers; +and here, on a sudden, I had presented to me the alternative of saving +a wretch from the gallows or of spending unlimited years in a State +penitentiary. As for the money, it became as dead leaves for this once +only in my life. My brain seemed to be spinning round. I grew weak all +over. + +“Cheer up a little,” said Stagers. “Take a nip of whisky. Things ain’t +at the worst, by a good bit. You just get ready, and we’ll start by the +morning train. Guess you’ll try out something smart enough as we travel +along. Ain’t got a heap of time to lose.” + +I was silent. A great anguish had me in its grip. I might squirm as I +would, it was all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, born of this +agony of terror. I might murder Stagers, but what good would that do? +As to File, he was safe from my hand. At last I became too confused to +think any longer. “When do we leave?” I said feebly. + +“At six to-morrow,” he returned. + +How I was watched and guarded, and how hurried over a thousand miles of +rail to my fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful to recall it +to memory. Above all, an aching eagerness for revenge upon the man who +had caused me these sufferings was uppermost in my mind. Could I not +fool the wretch and save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into my +consciousness. Then it grew and formed itself, became possible, +probable, seemed to me sure. “Ah,” said I, “Stagers, give me something +to eat and drink.” I had not tasted food for two days. + +Within a day or two after my arrival, I was enabled to see File in his +cell, on the plea of being a clergyman from his native place. + +I found that I had not miscalculated my danger. The man did not appear +to have the least idea as to how I was to help him. He only knew that I +was in his power, and he used his control to insure that something more +potent than friendship should be enlisted in his behalf. As the days +went by, his behavior grew to be a frightful thing to witness. He +threatened, flattered, implored, offered to double the sum he had +promised if I would save him. My really reasonable first thought was to +see the governor of the State, and, as Stagers’s former physician, +make oath to his having had many attacks of epilepsy followed by brief +periods of homicidal mania. He had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic +epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was in a distant city. The time was +short, and the case against my man too clear. Stagers said it would not +do. I was at my wit’s end. “Got to do something,” said File, “or I’ll +attend to your case, doc.” + +“But,” said I, “suppose there is really nothing?” + +“Well,” said Stagers to me when we were alone, “you get him satisfied, +anyhow. He’ll never let them hang him, and perhaps--well, I’m going to +give him these pills when I get a chance. He asked to have them. But +what’s your other plan?” + +Stagers knew as much about medicine as a pig knows about the opera. So +I set to work to delude him, first asking if he could secure me, as a +clergyman, an hour alone with File just before the execution. He said +money would do it, and what was my plan? + +“Well,” said I, “there was once a man named Dr. Chovet. He lived in +London. A gentleman who turned highwayman was to be hanged. You see,” + said I, “this was about 1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and +the hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the man’s windpipe, very low down +where it could be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they hanged him +only a little while, and the breath went in and out of the opening below +the noose, he was only just insensible when his friends got him--” + +“And he got well,” cried Stagers, much pleased with my rather +melodramatic tale. + +“Yes,” I said, “he got well, and lived to take purses, all dressed in +white. People had known him well, and when he robbed his great-aunt, who +was not in the secret, she swore she had seen his ghost.” + +Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed it would work; small town, +new business, lots of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to save +a man is said to have been made, but, by ill luck, the man did not +recover. It answered my purpose, but how any one, even such an ass as +this fellow, could believe it could succeed puzzles me to this day. + +File became enthusiastic over my scheme, and I cordially assisted his +credulity. The thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the business +blew up or--and I shuddered--until File, in despair, took his pill. I +should in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + +My friend Stagers had some absurd misgivings lest Mr. File’s neck might +be broken by the fall; but as to this I was able to reassure him upon +the best scientific authority. There were certain other and minor +questions, as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete arrest of the +supply of blood to the brain; but with these physiological refinements +I thought it needlessly cruel to distract a man in File’s peculiar +position. Perhaps I shall be doing injustice to my own intellect if I +do not hasten to state again that I had not the remotest belief in +the efficacy of my plan for any purpose except to get me out of a very +uncomfortable position and give me, with time, a chance to escape. + +Stagers and I were both disguised as clergymen, and were quite freely +admitted to the condemned man’s cell. In fact, there was in the little +town a certain trustful simplicity about all their arrangements. The +day but one before the execution Stagers informed me that File had the +pills, which he, Stagers, had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed +pleased with our plan. I was not. He was really getting uneasy and +suspicious of me--as I was soon to find out. + +So far our plans, or rather mine, had worked to a marvel. Certain of +File’s old accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman to shorten the +time of suspension. Arrangements were made to secure me two hours alone +with the prisoner, so that nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool +business. I had assured Stagers that I would not need to see File again +previous to the operation; but in the forenoon of the day before that +set for the execution I was seized with a feverish impatience, which +luckily prompted me to visit him once more. As usual, I was admitted +readily, and nearly reached his cell when I became aware, from the +sound of voices heard through the grating in the door, that there was a +visitor in the cell. “Who is with him?” I inquired of the turnkey. + +“The doctor,” he replied. + +“Doctor?” I said, pausing. “What doctor?” + +“Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back in half an hour to let him out; +but he’s got a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will you wait?” + +“No,” I replied; “it is hardly right to interrupt them. I will walk in +the corridor for ten minutes or so, and then you can come back to let me +into the cell.” + +“Very good,” he returned, and left me. + +As soon as I was alone, I cautiously advanced until I stood alongside of +the door, through the barred grating of which I was able readily to hear +what went on within. The first words I caught were these: + +“And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a man’s windpipe was open, the +hanging would kill him--are you sure?” + +“Yes, I believe there would be no doubt of it. I cannot see how escape +would be possible. But let me ask you why you have sent for me to ask +these singular questions. You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, +and least of all in such a manner as this. I advise you to think about +the fate which is inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to reflect +upon.” + +“But,” said File, “if I wanted to try this plan of mine, couldn’t some +one be found to help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand or so by +it? I mean a really good doctor.” Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my +skill, and meant to get some one to aid me. + +“If you mean me,” answered the doctor, “some one cannot be found, +neither for twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, if any one were +wicked enough to venture on such an attempt, he would only be deceiving +you with a hope which would be utterly vain. You must be off your head.” + +I understood all this with an increasing fear in my mind. I had meant to +get away that night at all risks. I saw now that I must go at once. + +After a pause he said: “Well, doctor, you know a poor devil in my fix +will clutch at straws. Hope I have not offended you.” + +“Not in the least,” returned the doctor. “Shall I send you Mr. Smith?” + This was my present name; in fact, I was known as the Rev. Eliphalet +Smith. + +“I would like it,” answered File; “but as you go out, tell the warden I +want to see him immediately about a matter of great importance.” + +At this stage I began to apprehend very distinctly that the time +had arrived when it would be wiser for me to delay escape no longer. +Accordingly, I waited until I heard the doctor rise, and at once stepped +quietly away to the far end of the corridor. I had scarcely reached it +when the door which closed it was opened by a turnkey who had come to +relieve the doctor and let me into the cell. Of course my peril was +imminent. If the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the prisoner, +immediate disclosure would follow. If some lapse of time were secured +before the warden obeyed the request from File that he should visit him, +I might gain thus a much-needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore said +to the officer: “Tell the warden that the doctor wishes to remain an +hour longer with the prisoner, and that I shall return myself at the end +of that time.” + +“Very good, sir,” said the turnkey, allowing me to pass out, and, as +he followed me, relocking the door of the corridor. “I’ll tell him,” + he said. It is needless to repeat that I never had the least idea of +carrying out the ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded File and +Stagers, but so far Stagers’s watchfulness had given me no chance to +escape. + +In a few moments I was outside of the jail gate, and saw my +fellow-clergyman, Mr. Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, coming +down the street toward me. As usual, he was on his guard; but this time +he had to deal with a man grown perfectly desperate, with everything to +win and nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, wild as they were, I +thought them worth the trying. I must evade this man’s terrible watch. +How keen it was, you cannot imagine; but it was aided by three of the +infamous gang to which File had belonged, for without these spies no one +person could possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + +I took Stagers’s arm. “What time,” said I, “does the first train start +for Dayton?” + +“At twelve. What do you want?” + +“How far is it?” + +“About fifteen miles,” he replied. + +“Good. I can get back by eight o’clock to-night.” + +“Easily,” said Stagers, “if you go. What do you want?” + +“I want a smaller tube to put in the windpipe--must have it, in fact.” + +“Well, I don’t like it,” said he, “but the thing’s got to go through +somehow. If you must go, I will go along myself. Can’t lose sight of +you, doc, just at present. You’re monstrous precious. Did you tell +File?” + +“Yes,” said I; “he’s all right. Come. We’ve no time to lose.” + +Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we were seated in the last car of +a long train, and running at the rate of twenty miles an hour toward +Dayton. In about ten minutes I asked Stagers for a cigar. + +“Can’t smoke here,” said he. + +“No,” I answered; “of course not. I’ll go forward into the smoking-car.” + +“Come along,” said he, and we went through the train. + +I was not sorry he had gone with me when I found in the smoking-car one +of the spies who had been watching me so constantly. Stagers nodded to +him and grinned at me, and we sat down together. + +“Chut!” said I, “left my cigar on the window-ledge in the hindmost car. +Be back in a moment.” + +This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed me to leave unaccompanied. I +hastened through to the nearer end of the hindmost car, and stood on +the platform. I instantly cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, +waiting until the two cars ran together, I tugged at the connecting-pin. +As the cars came together, I could lift it a little, then as the strain +came on the coupling the pin held fast. At last I made a great effort, +and out it came. The car I was on instantly lost speed, and there on the +other platform, a hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his fist at me. +He was beaten, and he knew it. In the end few people have been able to +get ahead of me. + +The retreating train was half a mile away around the curve as I screwed +up the brake on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to a stand. I did +not wait for it to stop entirely before I slipped off the steps, leaving +the other passengers to dispose of themselves as they might until their +absence should be discovered and the rest of the train return. + +As I wish rather to illustrate my very remarkable professional career +than to amuse by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not linger to +tell how I succeeded, at last, in reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I +had never ceased to anticipate the moment when escape from File and his +friends would be possible, so that I always carried about with me the +very small funds with which I had hastily provided myself upon leaving. +The whole amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but with this, and +a gold watch worth twice as much, I hoped to be able to subsist until +my own ingenuity enabled me to provide more liberally for the future. +Naturally enough, I scanned the papers closely to discover some account +of File’s death and of the disclosures concerning myself which he was +only too likely to have made. + +I came at last on an account of how he had poisoned himself, and so +escaped the hangman. I never learned what he had said about me, but I +was quite sure he had not let me off easy. I felt that this failure to +announce his confessions was probably due to a desire on the part of the +police to avoid alarming me. Be this as it may, I remained long ignorant +as to whether or not the villain betrayed my part in that unusual +coroner’s inquest. + +Before many days I had resolved to make another and a bold venture. +Accordingly appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement to the +effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the well-known German physician, who had +spent two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge of Indian medicine, +was prepared to treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. Dr. von +Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis for two weeks, and was to be found +at the Grayson House every day from ten until two o’clock. + +To my delight, I got two patients the first day. The next I had twice as +many, when at once I hired two connecting rooms, and made a very useful +arrangement, which I may describe dramatically in the following way: + +There being two or three patients waiting while I finished my cigar and +morning julep, enters a respectable-looking old gentleman who inquires +briskly of the patients if this is really Dr. von Ingenhoff’s. He is +told it is. My friend was apt to overact his part. I had often occasion +to ask him to be less positive. + +“Ah,” says he, “I shall be delighted to see the doctor. Five years ago +I was scalped on the Plains, and now”--exhibiting a well-covered +head--“you see what the doctor did for me. ‘T isn’t any wonder I’ve come +fifty miles to see him. Any of you been scalped, gentlemen?” + +To none of them had this misfortune arrived as yet; but, like most folks +in the lower ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it was pleasant +to find a genial person who would listen to their account of their own +symptoms. + +Presently, after hearing enough, the old gentleman pulls out a large +watch. “Bless me! it’s late. I must call again. May I trouble you, sir, +to say to the doctor that his old friend called to see him and will drop +in again to-morrow? Don’t forget: Governor Brown of Arkansas.” A moment +later the governor visited me by a side door, with his account of the +symptoms of my patients. + +Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having retired. “Now, doc,” says +the Hoosier, “I’ve been handled awful these two years back.” “Stop!” I +exclaimed. “Open your eyes. There, now, let me see,” taking his pulse +as I speak. “Ah, you’ve a pain there, and there, and you can’t sleep; +cocktails don’t agree any longer. Weren’t you bit by a dog two years +ago?” “I was,” says the Hoosier, in amazement. “Sir,” I reply, “you have +chronic hydrophobia. It’s the water in the cocktails that disagrees +with you. My bitters will cure you in a week, sir. No more whisky--drink +milk.” + +The astonishment of my patient at these accurate revelations may be +imagined. He is allowed to wait for his medicine in the anteroom, where +the chances are in favor of his relating how wonderfully I had told all +his symptoms at a glance. + +Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small but clever actor, whom I met +in the billiard-room, and who day after day, in varying disguises and +modes, played off the same tricks, to our great common advantage. + +At my friend’s suggestion, we very soon added to our resources by +the purchase of two electromagnetic batteries. This special means of +treating all classes of maladies has advantages which are altogether +peculiar. In the first place, you instruct your patient that the +treatment is of necessity a long one. A striking mode of putting it is +to say, “Sir, you have been six months getting ill; it will require six +months for a cure.” There is a correct sound about such a phrase, and it +is sure to satisfy. Two sittings a week, at two dollars a sitting, will +pay. In many cases the patient gets well while you are electrifying him. +Whether or not the electricity cured him is a thing I shall never know. +If, however, he began to show signs of impatience, I advised him that +he would require a year’s treatment, and suggested that it would be +economical for him to buy a battery and use it at home. Thus advised, +he pays you twenty dollars for an instrument which cost you ten, and you +are rid of a troublesome case. + +If the reader has followed me closely, he will have learned that I am +a man of large and liberal views in my profession, and of a very +justifiable ambition. The idea has often occurred to me of combining in +one establishment all the various modes of practice which are known +as irregular. This, as will be understood, is really only a wider +application of the idea which prompted me to unite in my own business +homeopathy and the practice of medicine. I proposed to my partner, +accordingly, to combine with our present business that of spiritualism, +which I knew had been very profitably turned to account in connection +with medical practice. As soon as he agreed to this plan, which, by the +way, I hoped to enlarge so as to include all the available isms, I set +about making such preparations as were necessary. I remembered having +read somewhere that a Dr. Schiff had shown that he could produce +remarkable “knockings,” so called, by voluntarily dislocating the great +toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its socket. A still better +noise could be made by throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus muscle +out of the hollow in which it lies, alongside of the ankle. After some +effort I was able to accomplish both feats quite readily, and could +occasion a remarkable variety of sounds, according to the power which I +employed or the positions which I occupied at the time. As to all other +matters, I trusted to the suggestions of my own ingenuity, which, as a +rule, has rarely failed me. + +The largest success attended the novel plan which my lucky genius had +devised, so that soon we actually began to divide large profits and to +lay by a portion of our savings. It is, of course, not to be supposed +that this desirable result was attained without many annoyances and some +positive danger. My spiritual revelations, medical and other, were, as +may be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; but in this, as in +predictions as to the weather and other events, the rare successes +always get more prominence in the minds of men than the numerous +failures. Moreover, whenever a person has been fool enough to resort to +folks like myself, he is always glad to be able to defend his conduct by +bringing forward every possible proof of skill on the part of the men he +has consulted. These considerations, and a certain love of mysterious or +unusual means, I have commonly found sufficient to secure an ample share +of gullible individuals. I may add, too, that those who would be +shrewd enough to understand and expose us are wise enough to keep away +altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, easy enough to manage, but +now and then we hit upon some utterly exceptional patient who was +both foolish enough to consult us and sharp enough to know he had been +swindled. When such a fellow made a fuss, it was occasionally necessary +to return his money if it was found impossible to bully him into +silence. In one or two instances, where I had promised a cure upon +prepayment of two or three hundred dollars, I was either sued or +threatened with suit, and had to refund a part or the whole of the +amount; but most people preferred to hold their tongues rather than +expose to the world the extent of their own folly. + +In one most disastrous case I suffered personally to a degree which I +never can recall without a distinct sense of annoyance, both at my own +want of care and at the disgusting consequences which it brought upon +me. + +Early one morning an old gentleman called, in a state of the utmost +agitation, and explained that he desired to consult the spirits as to +a heavy loss which he had experienced the night before. He had left, he +said, a sum of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going to bed. In the +morning he had changed his clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove +the notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, he discovered that the +garment still lay upon the chair where he had thrown it, but that the +money was missing. I at once desired him to be seated, and proceeded +to ask him certain questions, in a chatty way, about the habits of his +household, the amount lost, and the like, expecting thus to get some +clue which would enable me to make my spirits display the requisite +share of sagacity in pointing out the thief. I learned readily that he +was an old and wealthy man, a little close, too, I suspected, and that +he lived in a large house with but two servants, and an only son about +twenty-one years old. The servants were both women who had lived in the +household many years, and were probably innocent. Unluckily, remembering +my own youthful career, I presently reached the conclusion that the +young man had been the delinquent. When I ventured to inquire a little +as to his habits, the old gentleman cut me very short, remarking that he +came to ask questions, and not to be questioned, and that he desired at +once to consult the spirits. Upon this I sat down at a table, and, after +a brief silence, demanded in a solemn voice if there were any spirits +present. By industriously cracking my big toe-joint I was enabled to +represent at once the presence of a numerous assembly of these worthies. +Then I inquired if any one of them had been present when the robbery was +effected. A prompt double knock replied in the affirmative. I may say +here, by the way, that the unanimity of the spirits as to their use of +two knocks for “yes” and one for “no” is a very remarkable point, and +shows, if it shows anything, how perfect and universal must be the +social intercourse of the respected departed. It is worthy of note, +also, that if the spirit--I will not say the medium--perceives after one +knock that it were wiser to say yes, he can conveniently add the second +tap. Some such arrangement in real life would, it appears to me, be +highly desirable. + +It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, the French detective. I +had just read a translation of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a very +available spirit to call upon. + +As soon as I explained that the spirit who answered had been a witness +of the theft, the old man became strangely agitated. “Who was it?” said +he. At once the spirit indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we +went over the letters,--always a slow method, but useful when you want +to observe excitable people,--my visitor kept saying, “Quicker--go +quicker.” At length the spirit spelled out the words, “I know not his +name.” + +“Was it,” said the gentleman--“was it a--was it one of my household?” + +I knocked “yes” without hesitation; who else, indeed, could it have +been? + +“Excuse me,” he went on, “if I ask you for a little whisky.” + +This I gave him. He continued: “Was it Susan or Ellen?” + +“No, no!” + +“Was it--” He paused. “If I ask a question mentally, will the spirits +reply?” I knew what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was his son, but +did not wish to speak openly. + +“Ask,” said I. + +“I have,” he returned. + +I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to commit myself definitely, yet +here I fancied, from the facts of the case and his own terrible anxiety, +that he suspected, or more than suspected, his son as the guilty person. +I became sure of this as I studied his face. At all events, it would be +easy to deny or explain in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander +was there in two knocks? I struck twice as usual. + +Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very white, but quite firm. +“There,” he said, and cast a bank-note on the table, “I thank you,” and +bending his head on his breast, walked, as I thought, with great effort +out of the room. + +On the following morning, as I made my first appearance in my outer +room, which contained at least a dozen persons awaiting advice, +who should I see standing by the window but the old gentleman with +sandy-gray hair? Along with him was a stout young man with a head as +red as mine, and mustache and whiskers to match. Probably the son, I +thought--ardent temperament, remorse, come to confess, etc. I was +never more mistaken in my life. I was about to go regularly through my +patients when the old gentleman began to speak. + +“I called, doctor,” said he, “to explain the little matter about which +I--about which I--” + +“Troubled your spirits yesterday,” added the youth, jocosely, pulling +his mustache. + +“Beg pardon,” I returned; “had we not better talk this over in private? +Come into my office,” I added, touching the younger man on the arm. + +Would you believe it? he took out his handkerchief and dusted the place +I had touched. “Better not,” said he. “Go on, father; let us get done +with this den.” + +“Gentlemen,” said the elder person, addressing the patients, “I called +here yesterday, like a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum of +money which I believed I left in my room on going out in the morning. +This doctor here and his spirits contrived to make me suspect my only +son. Well, I charged him at once with the crime as soon as I got +back home, and what do you think he did? He said, ‘Father, let us go +up-stairs and look for it,’ and--” + +Here the young man broke in with: “Come, father; don’t worry yourself +for nothing”; and then turning, added: “To cut the thing short, he found +the notes under his candle-stick, where he left them on going to bed. +This is all of it. We came here to stop this fellow” (by which he meant +me) “from carrying a slander further. I advise you, good people, to +profit by the matter, and to look up a more honest doctor, if doctoring +be what you want.” + +As soon as he had ended, I remarked solemnly: “The words of the spirits +are not my words. Who shall hold them accountable?” + +“Nonsense,” said the young man. “Come, father”; and they left the room. + +Now was the time to retrieve my character. “Gentlemen,” said I, “you +have heard this very singular account. Trusting the spirits utterly and +entirely as I do, it occurs to me that there is no reason why they +may not, after all, have been right in their suspicions of this young +person. Who can say that, overcome by remorse, he may not have seized +the time of his father’s absence to replace the money?” + +To my amazement, up gets a little old man from the corner. “Well, you +are a low cuss!” said he, and taking up a basket beside him, hobbled +hastily out of the room. You may be sure I said some pretty sharp things +to him, for I was out of humor to begin with, and it is one thing to +be insulted by a stout young man, and quite another to be abused by +a wretched old cripple. However, he went away, and I supposed, for my +part, that I was done with the whole business. + +An hour later, however, I heard a rough knock at my door, and opening it +hastily, saw my red-headed young man with the cripple. + +“Now,” said the former, taking me by the collar, and pulling me into +the room among my patients, “I want to know, my man, if this doctor said +that it was likely I was the thief after all?” + +“That’s what he said,” replied the cripple; “just about that, sir.” + +I do not desire to dwell on the after conduct of this hot-headed young +man. It was the more disgraceful as I offered but little resistance, and +endured a beating such as I would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. +Nor was this all. He warned me that if I dared to remain in the city +after a week he would shoot me. In the East I should have thought +but little of such a threat, but here it was only too likely to +be practically carried out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of +character, but with much grief and reluctance, I collected my whole +fortune, which now amounted to at least seven thousand dollars, and +turned my back upon this ungrateful town. I am sorry to say that I also +left behind me the last of my good luck. + +I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached Boston. The country +anywhere would have been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural +pursuits. It seemed an agreeable city, and I decided to remain. + +I took good rooms at Parker’s, and concluding to enjoy life, amused +myself in the company of certain, I may say uncertain, young women who +danced at some of the theaters. I played billiards, drank rather too +much, drove fast horses, and at the end of a delightful year was shocked +to find myself in debt, and with only seven dollars and fifty-three +cents left--I like to be accurate. I had only one resource: I determined +to visit my deaf aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could do in the +role of the prodigal nephew. At all events, I should gain time to think +of what new enterprise I could take up; but, above all, I needed a +little capital and a house over my head. I had pawned nearly everything +of any value which I possessed. + +I left my debts to gather interest, and went away to Woodbury. It was +the day before Christmas when I reached the little Jersey town, and +it was also by good luck Sunday. I was hungry and quite penniless. I +wandered about until church had begun, because I was sure then to find +Aunt Rachel and Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to explore a +little. The house was closed, and even the one servant absent. I got in +with ease at the back through the kitchen, and having at least an hour +and a half free from interruption, I made a leisurely search. The +role of prodigal was well enough, but here was a better chance and an +indulgent opportunity. + +In a few moments I found the famous Bible hid away under Aunt Rachel’s +mattress. The Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended to be +moderate enough to escape suspicion. Here were quite two thousand +dollars. I resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, so as to keep a +good balance. Then, alas! I lit on a long envelop, my aunt’s will. Every +cent was left to Christ Church; not a dime to poor Pen or to me. I was +in a rage. I tore up the will and replaced the envelop. To treat +poor Pen that way--Pen of all people! There was a heap more will than +testament, for all it was in the Bible. After that I thought it was +right to punish the old witch, and so I took every note I could find. +When I was through with this business, I put back the Bible under +the mattress, and observing that I had been quite too long, I went +downstairs with a keen desire to leave the town as early as possible. I +was tempted, however, to look further, and was rewarded by finding in +an old clock case a small reticule stuffed with bank-notes. This I +appropriated, and made haste to go out. I was too late. As I went into +the little entry to get my hat and coat, Aunt Rachel entered, followed +by Peninnah. + +At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was a monster and fit for the +penitentiary. As she could not hear at all, she had the talk to herself, +and went by me and up-stairs, rumbling abuse like distant thunder +overhead. + +Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The pretty fool was seated on a +chair, all dressed up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward and +forward, crying, “Oh, oh, ah!” like a lamb saying, “Baa, baa, baa!” She +never had much sense. I had to shake her to get a reasonable word. +She mopped her eyes, and I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last +decided that I was the person who had thinned her hoards. This was bad, +but involved less inconvenience than it might have done an hour earlier. +Amid tears Pen told me that a detective had been at the house inquiring +for me. When this happened it seems that the poor little goose had tried +to fool deaf Aunt Rachel with some made-up story as to the man having +come about taxes. I suppose the girl was not any too sharp, and the old +woman, I guess, read enough from merely seeing the man’s lips. You never +could keep anything from her, and she was both curious and suspicious. +She assured the officer that I was a thief, and hoped I might be caught. +I could not learn whether the man told Pen any particulars, but as I was +slowly getting at the facts we heard a loud scream and a heavy fall. + +Pen said, “Oh, oh!” and we hurried upstairs. There was the old woman +on the floor, her face twitching to right, and her breathing a sort of +hoarse croak. The big Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what had +happened. It was a fit of apoplexy. + +At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed to recover her wits, and said: +“Go away, go away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know you have stolen her +money and killed her, and--and I loved you, I was so proud of you! Oh, +oh!” + +This was all very fine, but the advice was good. I said: “Yes, I had +better go. Run and get some one--a doctor. It is a fit of hysterics; +there is no danger. I will write to you. You are quite mistaken.” + +This was too feeble even for Pen, and she cried: + +“No, never; I never want to see you again. You would kill me next.” + +“Stuff!” said I, and ran down-stairs. I seized my coat and hat, and went +to the tavern, where I got a man to drive me to Camden. I have never +seen Pen since. As I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that I +should have asked when the detective had been after me. I suspected from +Pen’s terror that it had been recently. + +It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, the day before Christmas. The +ground was covered with snow, and as I walked up Market street my feet +were soon soaked. In my haste I had left my overshoes. I was very +cold, and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I kept thinking of what a +conspicuous thing a fire-red head is, and of how many people knew me. +As I reached Woodbury early and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all +day. I relied on Pen. + +Now I concluded to go down into my old neighborhood and get a lodging +where no references were asked. Next day I would secure a disguise and +get out of the way. I had passed the day without food, as I have just +said, and having ample means, concluded to go somewhere and get a good +dinner. It was now close to three in the afternoon. I was aware of two +things: that I was making many plans, and giving them up as soon as +made; and that I was suddenly afraid without cause, afraid to enter an +eating-house, and in fear of every man I met. + +I went on, feeling more and more chilly. When a man is really cold his +mind does not work well, and now it was blowing a keen gale from the +north. At Second and South I came plump on a policeman I knew. He looked +at me through the drifting snow, as if he was uncertain, and twice +looked back after having passed me. I turned west at Christian street. +When I looked behind me the man was standing at the corner, staring +after me. At the next turn I hurried away northward in a sort of anguish +of terror. I have said I was an uncommon person. I am. I am sensitive, +too. My mind is much above the average, but unless I am warm and well +fed it does not act well, and I make mistakes. At that time I was +half frozen, in need of food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool +squirming on the floor got on to my nerves. I went on and on, and at +last into Second street, until I came to Christ Church, of all places +for me. I heard the sound of the organ in the afternoon service. I felt +I must go in and get warm. Here was another silly notion: I was afraid +of hotels, but not of the church. I reasoned vaguely that it was a dark +day, and darker in the church, and so I went in at the Church Alley +entrance and sat near the north door. No one noticed me. I sat still in +a high-backed pew, well hid, and wondering what was the matter with me. +It was curious that a doctor, and a man of my intelligence, should have +been long in guessing a thing so simple. + +For two months I had been drinking hard, and for two days had quit, +being a man capable of great self-control, and also being short of +money. Just before the benediction I saw a man near by who seemed to +stare at me. In deadly fear I got up and quickly slipped through a +door into the tower room. I said to myself, “He will follow me or wait +outside.” I stood a moment with my head all of a whirl, and then in +a shiver of fear ran up the stairs to the tower until I got into the +bell-ringer’s room. I was safe. I sat down on a stool, twitching and +tremulous. There were the old books on bell-ringing, and the miniature +chime of small bells for instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and it +swung the eight ropes about in a way I did not like. I remember saying, +“Oh, don’t do that.” At last I had a mad desire to ring one of the +bells. As a loop of rope swung toward me it seemed to hold a face, and +this face cried out, “Come and hang yourself; then the bell will ring.” + +If I slept I do not know. I may have done so. Certainly I must have +stayed there many hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on my guard, +for when far into the night I heard noises below, I ran up the steeper +steps which ascend to the steeple, where are the bells. Half-way up I +sat down on the stair. The place was cold and the darkness deep. Then I +heard the eight ringers down below. One said: “Never knowed a Christmas +like this since Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, boys!” I knew it must be close +on to midnight. Now they would play a Christmas carol. I used every +Christmas to be roused up and carried here and set on dad’s shoulder. +When they were done ringing, Number Two always gave me a box of +sugar-plums and a large red apple. As they rang off, my father would cry +out, “One, two,” and so on, and then cry, “Elias, all over town people +are opening windows to listen.” I seemed to hear him as I sat in the +gloom. Then I heard, “All ready; one, two,” and they rang the Christmas +carol. Overhead I heard the great bells ringing out: + + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. + +I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum the air. Great heavens! There +was the old woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going twitch, twitch, the +croak of her breathing keeping a sort of mad time with “On Christmas +day, on Christmas day.” I jumped up. She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort +of way what was the matter with me, but I had still the sense to sit +down and wait. I said now it would be snakes, for once before I had been +almost as bad. But what I did see was a little curly-headed boy in a +white frock and pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg first; +so queer of me to have noticed that. I knew I was that boy. He was an +innocent-looking little chap, and was smiling. He seemed to me to grow +and grow, and at last was a big, red-headed man with a live rat in his +hand. I saw nothing more, but I surely knew I needed whisky. I waited +until all was still, and got down and out, for I knew every window. I +soon found a tavern, and got a drink and some food. At once my fear +left me. I was warm at last and clear of head, and had again my natural +courage. I was well aware that I was on the edge of delirium tremens and +must be most prudent. I paid in advance for my room and treated myself +as I had done many another. Only a man of unusual force could have +managed his own case as I did. I went out only at night, and in a week +was well enough to travel. During this time I saw now and then that +grinning little fellow. Sometimes he had an apple and was eating it. I +do not know why he was worse to me than snakes, or the twitchy old woman +with her wide eyes of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to right. + +I decided to go back to Boston. I got to New York prudently in a +roundabout way, and in two weeks’ time was traveling east from Albany. + +I felt well, and my spirits began at last to rise to their usual level. +When I arrived in Boston I set myself to thinking how best I could +contrive to enjoy life and at the same time to increase my means. +I possessed sufficient capital, and was able and ready to embark in +whatever promised the best returns with the smallest personal risks. I +settled myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing claims, and began to +reflect with my ordinary sagacity. + +We were now in the midst of a most absurd war with the South, and it was +becoming difficult to escape the net of conscription. It might be wise +to think of this in time. Europe seemed a desirable residence, but +I needed more money to make this agreeable, and an investment for my +brains was what I wanted most. Many schemes presented themselves +as worthy the application of industry and talent, but none of them +altogether suited my case. I thought at times of traveling as +a physiological lecturer, combining with it the business of a +practitioner: scare the audience at night with an enumeration of +symptoms which belong to ten out of every dozen healthy people, and +then doctor such of them as are gulls enough to consult me next day. +The bigger the fright the better the pay. I was a little timid, however, +about facing large audiences, as a man will be naturally if he has lived +a life of adventure, so that upon due consideration I gave up the idea +altogether. + +The patent medicine business also looked well enough, but it is somewhat +overdone at all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with the probable +result of ill success. Indeed, I believe one hundred quack remedies fail +for one that succeeds, and millions must have been wasted in placards, +bills, and advertisements, which never returned half their value to the +speculator. I think I shall some day beguile my time with writing an +account of the principal quack remedies which have met with success. +They are few in number, after all, as any one must know who recalls the +countless pills and tonics which are puffed awhile on the fences, and +disappear, to be heard of no more. + +Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake a private insane asylum, +which appeared to me to offer facilities for money-making, as to which, +however, I may have been deceived by the writings of certain popular +novelists. I went so far, I may say, as actually to visit Concord for +the purpose of finding a pleasant locality and a suitable atmosphere. +Upon reflection I abandoned my plans, as involving too much personal +labor to suit one of my easy frame of mind. + +Tired at last of idleness and lounging on the Common, I engaged in two +or three little ventures of a semi-professional character, such as +an exhibition of laughing-gas, advertising to cure cancer,--“Send +twenty-five stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an infallible +receipt,”--etc. I did not find, however, that these little enterprises +prospered well in New England, and I had recalled very forcibly a story +which my father was fond of relating to me in my boyhood. It was about +how certain very knowing flies went to get molasses, and how it ended by +the molasses getting them. This, indeed, was precisely what happened to +me in all my efforts to better myself in the Northern States, until at +length my misfortunes climaxed in total and unexpected ruin. + +Having been very economical, I had now about twenty-seven hundred +dollars. It was none too much. At this time I made the acquaintance of a +sea-captain from Maine. He told me that he and two others had chartered +a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica with a variety cargo. In fact, +he meant to run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he was to +carry quinine, chloroform, and other medical requirements for the +Confederates. He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more, and a doctor +to buy the kind of things which army surgeons require. Of course I was +prudent and he careful, but at last, on his proving to me that there was +no risk, I agreed to expend his money, his friends’, and my own up to +twenty-five hundred dollars. I saw the other men, one of them a rebel +captain. I was well pleased with the venture, and resolved for obvious +reasons to go with them on the steamer. It was a promising investment, +and I am free to reflect that in this, as in some other things, I have +been free from vulgar prejudices. I bought all that we needed, and was +well satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in the hold. + +We were to sail on a certain Thursday morning in September, 1863. I +sent my trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening before we were to +start to go on board, but found that the little steamer had been hauled +out from the pier. The captain, who met me at this time, endeavored +to get a boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was blowing, and he +advised me to wait until morning. My associates were already on board. +Early next day I dressed and went to the captain’s room, which proved to +be empty. I was instantly filled with doubt, and ran frantically to the +Long Wharf, where, to my horror, I could see no signs of the vessel or +captain. Neither have I ever set eyes on them from that time to this. +I thought of lodging information with the police as to the unpatriotic +design of the rascal who swindled me, but on the whole concluded that it +was best to hold my tongue. + +It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt milk as to be little worth +lamenting, and I therefore set to work, with my accustomed energy, to +utilize on my own behalf the resources of my medical education, which so +often before had saved me from want. The war, then raging at its height, +appeared to offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. The path +which I chose was apparently a humble one, but it enabled me to make +very practical use of my professional knowledge, and afforded for a time +rapid and secure returns, without any other investment than a little +knowledge cautiously employed. In the first place, I deposited my small +remnant of property in a safe bank. Then I went to Providence, where, as +I had heard, patriotic persons were giving very large bounties in order, +I suppose, to insure the government the services of better men than +themselves. On my arrival I lost no time in offering myself as a +substitute, and was readily accepted, and very soon mustered into the +Twentieth Rhode Island. Three months were passed in camp, during which +period I received bounty to the extent of six hundred and fifty dollars, +with which I tranquilly deserted about two hours before the regiment +left for the field. With the product of my industry I returned to +Boston, and deposited all but enough to carry me to New York, where +within a month I enlisted twice, earning on each occasion four hundred +dollars. + +After this I thought it wise to try the same game in some of the smaller +towns near to Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace with a good deal +of doubt; but I selected a regiment in camp at Norristown, which is +eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly seven hundred dollars by entering +the service as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, I presume, was +mightier than his sword. I was, however, disagreeably surprised by +being hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy young lieutenant, +who brutally shot down a poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for +attempting to desert. At this point I began to make use of my medical +skill, for I did not in the least degree fancy being shot, either +because of deserting or of not deserting. It happened, therefore, that a +day or two later, while in Washington, I was seized in the street with a +fit, which perfectly imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused +him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital. Here I found it necessary +to perform fits about twice a week, and as there were several real +epileptics in the ward, I had a capital chance of studying their +symptoms, which, finally, I learned to imitate with the utmost +cleverness. + +I soon got to know three or four men who, like myself, were personally +averse to bullets, and who were simulating other forms of disease with +more or less success. One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back, +and walked about like an old man; another, who had been to the front, +was palsied in the right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on the leg, +rubbing in a little antimonial ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, +and sold him at five dollars a box. + +A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief. The new +surgeon was a quiet, gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes and +clearly cut features, and a way of looking at you without saying much. I +felt so safe myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of +enjoyment which one clever man takes in seeing another at work. + +The first inspection settled two of us. + +“Another back case,” said the assistant surgeon to his senior. + +“Back hurt you?” says the latter, mildly. + +“Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain’t never been able to stand +straight since.” + +“A howitzer!” says the surgeon. “Lean forward, my man, so as to touch +the floor--so. That will do.” Then turning to his aid, he said, “Prepare +this man’s discharge papers.” + +“His discharge, sir?” + +“Yes; I said that. Who’s next?” + +“Thank you, sir,” groaned the man with the back. “How soon, sir, do you +think it will be?” + +“Ah, not less than a month,” replied the surgeon, and passed on. + +Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C, and as the +patient presumed that his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed +himself a little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter. +Unluckily, those nice blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and one +fine morning Smithson was appalled at finding himself in a detachment +bound for the field, and bearing on his descriptive list an ill-natured +indorsement about his malady. + +The surgeon came next on O’Callahan, standing, like each of us, at the +foot of his own bed. + +“I’ve paralytics in my arm,” he said, with intention to explain his +failure to salute his superior. + +“Humph!” said the surgeon; “you have another hand.” + +“An’ it’s not the rigulation to saloot with yer left,” said the +Irishman, with a grin, while the patients around us began to smile. + +“How did it happen?” said the surgeon. + +“I was shot in the shoulder,” answered the patient, “about three months +ago, sir. I haven’t stirred it since.” + +The surgeon looked at the scar. + +“So recently?” said he. “The scar looks older; and, by the way, +doctor,”--to his junior,--“it could not have gone near the nerves. Bring +the battery, orderly.” + +In a few moments the surgeon was testing one after another, the +various muscles. At last he stopped. “Send this man away with the next +detachment. Not a word, my man. You are a rascal, and a disgrace to +honest men who have been among bullets.” + +The man muttered something, I did not hear what. + +“Put this man in the guard-house,” cried the surgeon, and so passed on +without smile or frown. + +As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he was put in bed, and his leg +locked up in a wooden splint, which effectually prevented him from +touching the part diseased. It healed in ten days, and he too went as +food for powder. + +The surgeon asked me a few questions, and requesting to be sent for +during my next fit, left me alone. + +I was, of course, on my guard, and took care to have my attacks only +during his absence, or to have them over before he arrived. At length, +one morning, in spite of my care, he chanced to enter the ward as I fell +on the floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in strong convulsions. +Presently I felt a finger on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the +surgeon standing beside me. To escape his scrutiny I became more violent +in my motions. He stopped a moment and looked at me steadily. “Poor +fellow!” said he, to my great relief, as I felt at once that I had +successfully deceived him. Then he turned to the ward doctor and +remarked: “Take care he does not hurt his head against the bed; and, by +the by, doctor, do you remember the test we applied in Carstairs’s +case? Just tickle the soles of his feet and see if it will cause those +backward spasms of the head.” + +The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, I jerked my head backward as +hard as I could. + +“That will answer,” said the surgeon, to my horror. “A clever rogue. +Send him to the guard-house.” + +Happy had I been had my ill luck ended here, but as I crossed the yard +an officer stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain of my old Rhode +Island company. + +“Hello!” said he; “keep that fellow safe. I know him.” + +To cut short a long story, I was tried, convicted, and forced to refund +the Rhode Island bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank-book among +my papers. I was finally sent to Fort Delaware and kept at hard +labor, handling and carrying shot, policing the ground, picking up +cigar-stumps, and other light, unpleasant occupations. + +When the war was over I was released. I went at once to Boston, where I +had about four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly all of this sum +before I could satisfy the accumulated cravings of a year and a half +without drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I was about to engage in a +little business as a vender of lottery policies when I first began to +feel a strange sense of lassitude, which soon increased so as quite to +disable me from work of any kind. Month after month passed away, while +my money lessened, and this terrible sense of weariness went on from bad +to worse. At last one day, after nearly a year had elapsed, I perceived +on my face a large brown patch of color, in consequence of which I went +in some alarm to consult a well-known physician. He asked me a multitude +of tiresome questions, and at last wrote off a prescription, which I +immediately read. It was a preparation of arsenic. + +“What do you think,” said I, “is the matter with me, doctor?” + +“I am afraid,” said he, “that you have a very serious trouble--what we +call Addison’s disease.” + +“What’s that?” said I. + +“I do not think you would comprehend it,” he replied; “it is an +affection of the suprarenal capsules.” + +I dimly remembered that there were such organs, and that nobody knew +what they were meant for. It seemed that doctors had found a use for +them at last. + +“Is it a dangerous disease?” I said. + +“I fear so,” he answered. + +“Don’t you really know,” I asked, “what’s the truth about it?” + +“Well,” he returned gravely, “I’m sorry to tell you it is a very +dangerous malady.” + +“Nonsense!” said I; “I don’t believe it”; for I thought it was only a +doctor’s trick, and one I had tried often enough myself. + +“Thank you,” said he; “you are a very ill man, and a fool besides. Good +morning.” He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not therefore find it +necessary to escape payment by telling him I was a doctor. + +Several weeks went by; my money was gone, my clothes were ragged, and, +like my body, nearly worn out, and now I am an inmate of a hospital. +To-day I feel weaker than when I first began to write. How it will end, +I do not know. If I die, the doctor will get this pleasant history, and +if I live, I shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little money I will +set out to look for my sister. I dreamed about her last night. What I +dreamed was not very agreeable. I thought it was night. I was walking up +one of the vilest streets near my old office, and a girl spoke to me--a +shameless, worn creature, with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, +“Brother, brother!” and then remembering what she had been, with her +round, girlish, innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what she was +now, I awoke and saw the dim light of the half-darkened ward. + +I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff has amused me and, I think, +done me good. That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I must tear up +all this biography. + +“Hello, nurse! The little boy--boy--” + + +“GOOD HEAVENS!” said the nurse, “he is dead! Dr. Alston said it would +happen this way. The screen, quick--the screen--and let the doctor +know.” + + + + + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +The following notes of my own case have been declined on various +pretests by every medical journal to which I have offered them. There +was, perhaps, some reason in this, because many of the medical facts +which they record are not altogether new, and because the psychical +deductions to which they have led me are not in themselves of medical +interest. I ought to add that a great deal of what is here related is +not of any scientific value whatsoever; but as one or two people on +whose judgment I rely have advised me to print my narrative with all +the personal details, rather than in the dry shape in which, as a +psychological statement, I shall publish it elsewhere, I have yielded +to their views. I suspect, however, that the very character of my record +will, in the eyes of some of my readers, tend to lessen the value of the +metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + + +I am the son of a physician, still in large practice, in the village +of Abington, Scofield County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his future +partner, I studied medicine in his office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended +lectures at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. My second +course should have been in the following year, but the outbreak of the +Rebellion so crippled my father’s means that I was forced to abandon my +intention. The demand for army surgeons at this time became very great; +and although not a graduate, I found no difficulty in getting the place +of assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana Volunteers. In the subsequent +Western campaigns this organization suffered so severely that before the +term of its service was over it was merged in the Twenty-first Indiana +Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, ranked by the medical officers +of the latter regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth Indiana +Cavalry. Like many physicians, I had contracted a strong taste for army +life, and, disliking cavalry service, sought and obtained the position +of first lieutenant in the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an infantry +regiment of excellent character. + +On the day after I assumed command of my company, which had no captain, +we were sent to garrison a part of a line of block-houses stretching +along the Cumberland River below Nashville, then occupied by a portion +of the command of General Rosecrans. + +The life we led while on this duty was tedious and at the same time +dangerous in the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the water horrible, +and we had no cavalry to forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted to +levy supplies upon the scattered farms around us, the population +seemed suddenly to double, and in the shape of guerrillas “potted” us +industriously from behind distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these +various and unpleasant influences, combined with a fair infusion of +malaria, our men rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, no +proper medical supplies had been forwarded with our small force +(two companies), and, as the fall advanced, the want of quinine and +stimulants became a serious annoyance. Moreover, our rations were +running low; we had been three weeks without a new supply; and our +commanding officer, Major Henry L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as to +the safety of his men. About this time it was supposed that a train with +rations would be due from the post twenty miles to the north of us; yet +it was quite possible that it would bring us food, but no medicines, +which were what we most needed. The command was too small to detach any +part of it, and the major therefore resolved to send an officer alone to +the post above us, where the rest of the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence +they could easily forward quinine and stimulants by the train, if it had +not left, or, if it had, by a small cavalry escort. + +It so happened, to my cost, as it turned out, that I was the only +officer fit to make the journey, and I was accordingly ordered to +proceed to Blockhouse No. 3 and make the required arrangements. I +started alone just after dusk the next night, and during the darkness +succeeded in getting within three miles of my destination. At this time +I found that I had lost my way, and, although aware of the danger of my +act, was forced to turn aside and ask at a log cabin for directions. The +house contained a dried-up old woman and four white-headed, half-naked +children. The woman was either stone-deaf or pretended to be so; but, at +all events, she gave me no satisfaction, and I remounted and rode away. +On coming to the end of a lane, into which I had turned to seek the +cabin, I found to my surprise that the bars had been put up during my +brief parley. They were too high to leap, and I therefore dismounted to +pull them down. As I touched the top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the +same instant felt a blow on both arms, which fell helpless. I staggered +to my horse and tried to mount; but, as I could use neither arm, the +effort was vain, and I therefore stood still, awaiting my fate. I am +only conscious that I saw about me several graybacks, for I must have +fallen fainting almost immediately. + +When I awoke I was lying in the cabin near by, upon a pile of rubbish. +Ten or twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, apparently +drawing lots for my watch, boots, hat, etc. I now made an effort to find +out how far I was hurt. I discovered that I could use the left forearm +and hand pretty well, and with this hand I felt the right limb all +over until I touched the wound. The ball had passed from left to right +through the left biceps, and directly through the right arm just below +the shoulder, emerging behind. The right arm and forearm were cold and +perfectly insensible. I pinched them as well as I could, to test the +amount of sensation remaining; but the hand might as well have been that +of a dead man. I began to understand that the nerves had been wounded, +and that the part was utterly powerless. By this time my friends had +pretty well divided the spoils, and, rising together, went out. The old +woman then came to me, and said: “Reckon you’d best git up. They-’uns +is a-goin’ to take you away.” To this I only answered, “Water, water.” + I had a grim sense of amusement on finding that the old woman was not +deaf, for she went out, and presently came back with a gourdful, which I +eagerly drank. An hour later the graybacks returned, and finding that +I was too weak to walk, carried me out and laid me on the bottom of +a common cart, with which they set off on a trot. The jolting was +horrible, but within an hour I began to have in my dead right hand a +strange burning, which was rather a relief to me. It increased as the +sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt as if the hand was caught +and pinched in a red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged my guard for +water to wet it with, but for some reason they desired silence, and at +every noise threatened me with a revolver. At length the pain became +absolutely unendurable, and I grew what it is the fashion to call +demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled in my torture, until, as +I suppose, my captors became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a +handkerchief,--my own, I fancy,--and a canteen of water, with which I +wetted the hand, to my unspeakable relief. + +It is unnecessary to detail the events by which, finally, I found myself +in one of the rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the first time, my +wounds were properly cleansed and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, +who treated me throughout with great kindness. I told him I had been a +doctor, which, perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the unusual +tenderness with which I was managed. The left arm was now quite easy, +although, as will be seen, it never entirely healed. The right arm was +worse than ever--the humerus broken, the nerves wounded, and the hand +alive only to pain. I use this phrase because it is connected in my +mind with a visit from a local visitor,--I am not sure he was a +preacher,--who used to go daily through the wards, and talk to us or +write our letters. One morning he stopped at my bed, when this little +talk occurred: + +“How are you, lieutenant?” + +“Oh,” said I, “as usual. All right, but this hand, which is dead except +to pain.” + +“Ah,” said he, “such and thus will the wicked be--such will you be if +you die in your sins: you will go where only pain can be felt. For all +eternity, all of you will be just like that hand--knowing pain only.” + +I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I felt a sudden and chilling +horror of possible universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When I awoke +the hand was worse, if that could be. It was red, shining, aching, +burning, and, as it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot files. +When the doctor came I begged for morphia. He said gravely: “We have +none. You know you don’t allow it to pass the lines.” It was sadly true. + +I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand again, my sole relief. In +about an hour Dr. Wilson came back with two aids, and explained to me +that the bone was so crushed as to make it hopeless to save it, and +that, besides, amputation offered some chance of arresting the pain. +I had thought of this before, but the anguish I felt--I cannot say +endured--was so awful that I made no more of losing the limb than +of parting with a tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, brief +preparations were made, which I watched with a sort of eagerness such as +must forever be inexplicable to any one who has not passed six weeks of +torture like that which I had suffered. + +I had but one pang before the operation. As I arranged myself on the +left side, so as to make it convenient for the operator to use the +knife, I asked: “Who is to give me the ether?” “We have none,” said the +person questioned. I set my teeth, and said no more. + +I need not describe the operation. The pain felt was severe, but it was +insignificant as compared with that of any other minute of the past +six weeks. The limb was removed very near to the shoulder-joint. As the +second incision was made, I felt a strange flash of pain play through +the limb, as if it were in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was +followed by instant, unspeakable relief, and before the flaps were +brought together I was sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as I +pointed to the arm which lay on the floor: “There is the pain, and here +am I. How queer!” Then I slept--slept the sleep of the just, or, better, +of the painless. From this time forward I was free from neuralgia. At a +subsequent period I saw a number of cases similar to mine in a hospital +in Philadelphia. + +It is no part of my plan to detail my weary months of monotonous prison +life in the South. In the early part of April, 1863, I was exchanged, +and after the usual thirty days’ furlough returned to my regiment a +captain. + +On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred the battle of Chickamauga, in +which my regiment took a conspicuous part. The close of our own share +in this contest is, as it were, burned into my memory with every least +detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found ourselves in line, under +cover of a long, thin row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a gentle +slope, from which, again, rose a hill rather more abrupt, and crowned +with an earthwork. We received orders to cross this space and take the +fort in front, while a brigade on our right was to make a like movement +on its flank. + +Just before we emerged into the open ground, we noticed what, I think, +was common in many fights--that the enemy had begun to bowl round shot +at us, probably from failure of shell. We passed across the valley in +good order, although the men fell rapidly all along the line. As we +climbed the hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew heavier. At +this moment a battery opened on our left, the shots crossing our heads +obliquely. It is this moment which is so printed on my recollection. +I can see now, as if through a window, the gray smoke, lit with red +flashes, the long, wavering line, the sky blue above, the trodden +furrows, blotted with blue blouses. Then it was as if the window closed, +and I knew and saw no more. No other scene in my life is thus scarred, +if I may say so, into my memory. I have a fancy that the horrible shock +which suddenly fell upon me must have had something to do with thus +intensifying the momentary image then before my eyes. + +When I awakened, I was lying under a tree somewhere at the rear. +The ground was covered with wounded, and the doctors were busy at an +operating-table, improvised from two barrels and a plank. At length two +of them who were examining the wounded about me came up to where I lay. +A hospital steward raised my head and poured down some brandy and water, +while another cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors exchanged looks and +walked away. I asked the steward where I was hit. + +“Both thighs,” said he; “the doctors won’t do nothing.” + +“No use?” said I. + +“Not much,” said he. + +“Not much means none at all,” I answered. + +When he had gone I set myself to thinking about a good many things I had +better have thought of before, but which in no way concern the history +of my case. A half-hour went by. I had no pain, and did not get weaker. +At last, I cannot explain why, I began to look about me. At first things +appeared a little hazy. I remember one thing which thrilled me a little, +even then. + +A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to a doctor near me, saying, “When +you’ve a little leisure, just take a look at my side.” + +“Do it now,” said the doctor. + +The officer exposed his wound. “Ball went in here, and out there.” + +The doctor looked up at him--half pity, half amazement. “If you’ve got +any message, you’d best send it by me.” + +“Why, you don’t say it’s serious?” was the reply. + +“Serious! Why, you’re shot through the stomach. You won’t live over the +day.” + +Then the man did what struck me as a very odd thing. He said, “Anybody +got a pipe?” Some one gave him a pipe. He filled it deliberately, struck +a light with a flint, and sat down against a tree near to me. Presently +the doctor came to him again, and asked him what he could do for him. + +“Send me a drink of Bourbon.” + +“Anything else?” + +“No.” + +As the doctor left him, he called him back. “It’s a little rough, doc, +isn’t it?” + +No more passed, and I saw this man no longer. Another set of doctors +were handling my legs, for the first time causing pain. A moment after +a steward put a towel over my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of +chloroform, which I was glad enough to breathe. In a moment the trees +began to move around from left to right, faster and faster; then a +universal grayness came before me,--and I recall nothing further until I +awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. I got hold of my own identity +in a moment or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp cramp in my left +leg. I tried to get at it to rub it with my single arm, but, finding +myself too weak, hailed an attendant. “Just rub my left calf,” said I, +“if you please.” + +“Calf?” said he. “You ain’t none. It’s took off.” + +“I know better,” said I. “I have pain in both legs.” + +“Wall, I never!” said he. “You ain’t got nary leg.” + +As I did not believe him, he threw off the covers, and, to my horror, +showed me that I had suffered amputation of both thighs, very high up. + +“That will do,” said I, faintly. + +A month later, to the amazement of every one, I was so well as to be +moved from the crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, where +I filled one of the ten thousand beds of that vast metropolis of +hospitals. Of the sufferings which then began I shall presently speak. +It will be best just now to detail the final misfortune which here fell +upon me. Hospital No. 2, in which I lay, was inconveniently crowded with +severely wounded officers. After my third week an epidemic of hospital +gangrene broke out in my ward. In three days it attacked twenty persons. +Then an inspector came, and we were transferred at once to the open air, +and placed in tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my remaining arm, +which still suppurated, was seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, +bromine, was used locally, but the main artery opened, was tied, bled +again and again, and at last, as a final resort, the remaining arm was +amputated at the shoulder-joint. Against all chances I recovered, to +find myself a useless torso, more like some strange larval creature than +anything of human shape. Of my anguish and horror of myself I dare not +speak. I have dictated these pages, not to shock my readers, but to +possess them with facts in regard to the relation of the mind to the +body; and I hasten, therefore, to such portions of my case as best +illustrate these views. + +In January, 1864, I was forwarded to Philadelphia, in order to enter +what was known as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in charge +of Dr. Hopkinson. This favor was obtained through the influence of my +father’s friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has always manifested +an interest in my case, for which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, +at the time, that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, might be able to adapt some +form of arm to my left shoulder, as on that side there remained five +inches of the arm-bone, which I could move to a moderate extent. The +hope proved illusory, as the stump was always too tender to bear any +pressure. The hospital referred to was in charge of several surgeons +while I was an inmate, and was at all times a clean and pleasant home. +It was filled with men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of each, as +happened now and then. I saw one man who had lost both legs, and one +who had parted with both arms; but none, like myself, stripped of every +limb. There were collected in this place hundreds of these cases, which +gave to it, with reason enough, the not very pleasing title of Stump +Hospital. + +I spent here three and a half months, before my transfer to the United +States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the Nervous System. +Every morning I was carried out in an arm-chair and placed in the +library, where some one was always ready to write or read for me, or to +fill my pipe. The doctors lent me medical books; the ladies brought me +luxuries and fed me; and, save that I was helpless to a degree which was +humiliating, I was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + +I amused myself at this time by noting in my mind all that I could learn +from other limbless folk, and from myself, as to the peculiar feelings +which were noticed in regard to lost members. I found that the great +mass of men who had undergone amputations for many months felt the usual +consciousness that they still had the lost limb. It itched or pained, or +was cramped, but never felt hot or cold. If they had painful sensations +referred to it, the conviction of its existence continued unaltered +for long periods; but where no pain was felt in it, then by degrees the +sense of having that limb faded away entirely. I think we may to some +extent explain this. The knowledge we possess of any part is made up +of the numberless impressions from without which affect its sensitive +surfaces, and which are transmitted through its nerves to the spinal +nerve-cells, and through them, again, to the brain. We are thus kept +endlessly informed as to the existence of parts, because the impressions +which reach the brain are, by a law of our being, referred by us to +the part from which they come. Now, when the part is cut off, the +nerve-trunks which led to it and from it, remaining capable of being +impressed by irritations, are made to convey to the brain from the stump +impressions which are, as usual, referred by the brain to the lost parts +to which these nerve-threads belonged. In other words, the nerve is like +a bell-wire. You may pull it at any part of its course, and thus ring +the bell as well as if you pulled at the end of the wire; but, in any +case, the intelligent servant will refer the pull to the front door, +and obey it accordingly. The impressions made on the severed ends of +the nerve are due often to changes in the stump during healing, and +consequently cease when it has healed, so that finally, in a very +healthy stump, no such impressions arise; the brain ceases to correspond +with the lost leg, and, as les absents ont toujours tort, it is no +longer remembered or recognized. But in some cases, such as mine +proved at last to my sorrow, the ends of the nerves undergo a curious +alteration, and get to be enlarged and altered. This change, as I have +seen in my practice of medicine, sometimes passes up the nerves toward +the centers, and occasions a more or less constant irritation of the +nerve-fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually referred by +the brain to that part of the lost limb to which the affected nerve +belonged. This pain keeps the brain ever mindful of the missing part, +and, imperfectly at least, preserves to the man a consciousness of +possessing that which he has not. + +Where the pains come and go, as they do in certain cases, the subjective +sensations thus occasioned are very curious, since in such cases the +man loses and gains, and loses and regains, the consciousness of the +presence of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, “Now I feel my +thumb, now I feel my little finger.” I should also add that nearly every +person who has lost an arm above the elbow feels as though the lost +member were bent at the elbow, and at times is vividly impressed with +the notion that his fingers are strongly flexed. + +Other persons present a peculiarity which I am at a loss to account for. +Where the leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as if the foot +were present, but as though the leg were shortened. Thus, if the thigh +has been taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at the knee; if the +arm, a hand seems to be at the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + +Before leaving Nashville I had begun to suffer the most acute pain in +my left hand, especially the little finger; and so perfect was the idea +which was thus kept up of the real presence of these missing parts that +I found it hard at times to believe them absent. Often at night I would +try with one lost hand to grope for the other. As, however, I had no +pain in the right arm, the sense of the existence of that limb gradually +disappeared, as did that of my legs also. + +Everything was done for my neuralgia which the doctors could think of; +and at length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as I have said, from +the Stump Hospital to the United States Army Hospital for Injuries +and Diseases of the Nervous System. It was a pleasant, suburban, +old-fashioned country-seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of +wooden, one-story wards, shaded by fine trees. There were some three +hundred cases of epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus’s dance, and wounds of +nerves. On one side of me lay a poor fellow, a Dane, who had the same +burning neuralgia with which I once suffered, and which I now learned +was only too common. This man had become hysterical from pain. He +carried a sponge in his pocket, and a bottle of water in one hand, with +which he constantly wetted the burning hand. Every sound increased his +torture, and he even poured water into his boots to keep himself from +feeling too sensibly the rough friction of his soles when walking. Like +him, I was greatly eased by having small doses of morphia injected under +the skin of my shoulder with a hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + +As I improved under the morphia treatment, I began to be disturbed by +the horrible variety of suffering about me. One man walked sideways; +there was one who could not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. +In fact, every one had his own abnormal peculiarity. Near me was a +strange case of palsy of the muscles called rhomboids, whose office it +is to hold down the shoulder-blades flat on the back during the motions +of the arms, which, in themselves, were strong enough. When, however, he +lifted these members, the shoulder-blades stood out from the back like +wings, and got him the sobriquet of the “Angel.” In my ward were also +the cases of fits, which very much annoyed me, as upon any great change +in the weather it was common to have a dozen convulsions in view at +once. Dr. Neek, one of our physicians, told me that on one occasion +a hundred and fifty fits took place within thirty-six hours. On my +complaining of these sights, whence I alone could not fly, I was placed +in the paralytic and wound ward, which I found much more pleasant. + +A month of skilful treatment eased me entirely of my aches, and I then +began to experience certain curious feelings, upon which, having nothing +to do and nothing to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. It was +a good while before I could correctly explain to my own satisfaction +the phenomena which at this time I was called upon to observe. By the +various operations already described I had lost about four fifths of my +weight. As a consequence of this I ate much less than usual, and could +scarcely have consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept also but little; +for, as sleep is the repose of the brain, made necessary by the waste +of its tissues during thought and voluntary movement, and as this latter +did not exist in my case, I needed only that rest which was necessary to +repair such exhaustion of the nerve-centers as was induced by thinking +and the automatic movements of the viscera. + +I observed at this time also that my heart, in place of beating, as it +once did, seventy-eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five times in +this interval--a fact to be easily explained by the perfect quiescence +to which I was reduced, and the consequent absence of that healthy and +constant stimulus to the muscles of the heart which exercise occasions. + +Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my physical health was good, which, I +confess, surprised me, for this among other reasons: It is said that a +burn of two thirds of the surface destroys life, because then all the +excretory matters which this portion of the glands of the skin evolved +are thrown upon the blood, and poison the man, just as happens in an +animal whose skin the physiologist has varnished, so as in this way to +destroy its function. Yet here was I, having lost at least a third of my +skin, and apparently none the worse for it. + +Still more remarkable, however, were the psychical changes which I +now began to perceive. I found to my horror that at times I was less +conscious of myself, of my own existence, than used to be the case. This +sensation was so novel that at first it quite bewildered me. I felt like +asking some one constantly if I were really George Dedlow or not; but, +well aware how absurd I should seem after such a question, I refrained +from speaking of my case, and strove more keenly to analyze my feelings. +At times the conviction of my want of being myself was overwhelming and +most painful. It was, as well as I can describe it, a deficiency in the +egoistic sentiment of individuality. About one half of the sensitive +surface of my skin was gone, and thus much of relation to the outer +world destroyed. As a consequence, a large part of the receptive central +organs must be out of employ, and, like other idle things, degenerating +rapidly. Moreover, all the great central ganglia, which give rise to +movements in the limbs, were also eternally at rest. Thus one half of me +was absent or functionally dead. This set me to thinking how much a man +might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy enough to survive, I might +part with my spleen at least, as many a dog has done, and grown fat +afterwards. The other organs with which we breathe and circulate the +blood would be essential; so also would the liver; but at least half of +the intestines might be dispensed with, and of course all of the limbs. +And as to the nervous system, the only parts really necessary to life +are a few small ganglia. Were the rest absent or inactive, we should +have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest terms, and leading an +almost vegetative existence. Would such a being, I asked myself, possess +the sense of individuality in its usual completeness, even if his organs +of sensation remained, and he were capable of consciousness? Of course, +without them, he could not have it any more than a dahlia or a tulip. +But with them--how then? I concluded that it would be at a minimum, +and that, if utter loss of relation to the outer world were capable of +destroying a man’s consciousness of himself, the destruction of half +of his sensitive surfaces might well occasion, in a less degree, a like +result, and so diminish his sense of individual existence. + +I thus reached the conclusion that a man is not his brain, or any one +part of it, but all of his economy, and that to lose any part must +lessen this sense of his own existence. I found but one person who +properly appreciated this great truth. She was a New England lady, from +Hartford--an agent, I think, for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. +After I had told her my views and feelings she said: “Yes, I comprehend. +The fractional entities of vitality are embraced in the oneness of +the unitary Ego. Life,” she added, “is the garnered condensation of +objective impressions; and as the objective is the remote father of the +subjective, so must individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, +suffer and fade when the sensation lenses, by which the rays of +impression are condensed, become destroyed.” I am not quite clear that +I fully understood her, but I think she appreciated my ideas, and I felt +grateful for her kindly interest. + +The strange want I have spoken of now haunted and perplexed me so +constantly that I became moody and wretched. While in this state, a +man from a neighboring ward fell one morning into conversation with the +chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some of their words arrested my +attention, and I turned my head to see and listen. The speaker, who wore +a sergeant’s chevron and carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely +made person, with a pale face, light eyes of a washed-out blue tint, and +very sparse yellow whiskers. His mouth was weak, both lips being almost +alike, so that the organ might have been turned upside down without +affecting its expression. His forehead, however, was high and thinly +covered with sandy hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, will +feeble; emotional, but not passionate; likely to be an enthusiast or a +weakly bigot. + +I caught enough of what passed to make me call to the sergeant when the +chaplain left him. + +“Good morning,” said he. “How do you get on?” + +“Not at all,” I replied. “Where were you hit?” + +“Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the shoulder. I have what the +doctors call paralysis of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. Neek and +the lightnin’ battery will fix it. When my time’s out I’ll go back to +Kearsarge and try on the school-teaching again. I’ve done my share.” + +“Well,” said I, “you’re better off than I.” + +“Yes,” he answered, “in more ways than one. I belong to the New Church. +It’s a great comfort for a plain man like me, when he’s weary and sick, +to be able to turn away from earthly things and hold converse daily with +the great and good who have left this here world. We have a circle in +Coates street. If it wa’n’t for the consoling I get there, I’d of wished +myself dead many a time. I ain’t got kith or kin on earth; but this +matters little, when one can just talk to them daily and know that they +are in the spheres above us.” + +“It must be a great comfort,” I replied, “if only one could believe it.” + +“Believe!” he repeated. “How can you help it? Do you suppose anything +dies?” + +“No,” I said. “The soul does not, I am sure; and as to matter, it merely +changes form.” + +“But why, then,” said he, “should not the dead soul talk to the living? +In space, no doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in finer, more +ethereal being. You can’t suppose a naked soul moving about without a +bodily garment--no creed teaches that; and if its new clothing be of +like substance to ours, only of ethereal fineness,--a more delicate +recrystallization about the eternal spiritual nucleus,--must it not then +possess powers as much more delicate and refined as is the new material +in which it is reclad?” + +“Not very clear,” I answered; “but, after all, the thing should be +susceptible of some form of proof to our present senses.” + +“And so it is,” said he. “Come to-morrow with me, and you shall see and +hear for yourself.” + +“I will,” said I, “if the doctor will lend me the ambulance.” + +It was so arranged, as the surgeon in charge was kind enough, as usual, +to oblige me with the loan of his wagon, and two orderlies to lift my +useless trunk. + +On the day following I found myself, with my new comrade, in a house in +Coates street, where a “circle” was in the daily habit of meeting. So +soon as I had been comfortably deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large +pine table, the rest of those assembled seated themselves, and for some +time preserved an unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized +the persons present. Next to me, on my right, sat a flabby man, with +ill-marked, baggy features and injected eyes. He was, as I learned +afterwards, an eclectic doctor, who had tried his hand at medicine +and several of its quackish variations, finally settling down on +eclecticism, which I believe professes to be to scientific medicine what +vegetarianism is to common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next to him sat +a female-authoress, I think, of two somewhat feeble novels, and much +pleasanter to look at than her books. She was, I thought, a good deal +excited at the prospect of spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a +pallid, care-worn young woman, with very red lips, and large brown eyes +of great beauty. She was, as I learned afterwards, a magnetic patient of +the doctor, and had deserted her husband, a master mechanic, to follow +this new light. The others were, like myself, strangers brought hither +by mere curiosity. One of them was a lady in deep black, closely veiled. +Beyond her, and opposite to me, sat the sergeant, and next to him the +medium, a man named Brink. He wore a good deal of jewelry, and had large +black side-whiskers--a shrewd-visaged, large-nosed, full-lipped man, +formed by nature to appreciate the pleasant things of sensual existence. + +Before I had ended my survey, he turned to the lady in black, and asked +if she wished to see any one in the spirit-world. + +She said, “Yes,” rather feebly. + +“Is the spirit present?” he asked. Upon which two knocks were heard in +affirmation. “Ah!” said the medium, “the name is--it is the name of a +child. It is a male child. It is--” + +“Alfred!” she cried. “Great Heaven! My child! My boy!” + +On this the medium arose, and became strangely convulsed. “I see,” + he said--“I see--a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes--I see above you, +beyond you--” at the same time pointing fixedly over her head. + +She turned with a wild start. “Where--whereabouts?” + +“A blue-eyed boy,” he continued, “over your head. He cries--he says, +‘Mama, mama!’” + +The effect of this on the woman was unpleasant. She stared about her for +a moment, and exclaiming, “I come--I am coming, Alfy!” fell in hysterics +on the floor. + +Two or three persons raised her, and aided her into an adjoining room; +but the rest remained at the table, as though well accustomed to like +scenes. + +After this several of the strangers were called upon to write the names +of the dead with whom they wished to communicate. The names were spelled +out by the agency of affirmative knocks when the correct letters were +touched by the applicant, who was furnished with an alphabet-card upon +which he tapped the letters in turn, the medium, meanwhile, scanning his +face very keenly. With some, the names were readily made out. With one, +a stolid personage of disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at +last the spirits signified by knocks that he was a disturbing agency, +and that while he remained all our efforts would fail. Upon this some of +the company proposed that he should leave; of which invitation he took +advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole performance. + +As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and whispered to the medium, who +next addressed himself to me. “Sister Euphemia,” he said, indicating the +lady with large eyes, “will act as your medium. I am unable to do more. +These things exhaust my nervous system.” + +“Sister Euphemia,” said the doctor, “will aid us. Think, if you please, +sir, of a spirit, and she will endeavor to summon it to our circle.” + +Upon this a wild idea came into my head. I answered: “I am thinking as +you directed me to do.” + +The medium sat with her arms folded, looking steadily at the center +of the table. For a few moments there was silence. Then a series of +irregular knocks began. “Are you present?” said the medium. + +The affirmative raps were twice given. + +“I should think,” said the doctor, “that there were two spirits +present.” + +His words sent a thrill through my heart. + +“Are there two?” he questioned. + +A double rap. + +“Yes, two,” said the medium. “Will it please the spirits to make us +conscious of their names in this world?” + +A single knock. “No.” + +“Will it please them to say how they are called in the world of +spirits?” + +Again came the irregular raps--3, 4, 8, 6; then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, 7. + +“I think,” said the authoress, “they must be numbers. Will the spirits,” + she said, “be good enough to aid us? Shall we use the alphabet?” + +“Yes,” was rapped very quickly. + +“Are these numbers?” + +“Yes,” again. + +“I will write them,” she added, and, doing so, took up the card and +tapped the letters. The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran thus as she +tapped, in turn, first the letters, and last the numbers she had already +set down: + +“UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, Nos. 3486, 3487.” + +The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + +“Good gracious!” said I, “they are MY LEGS--MY LEGS!” + +What followed, I ask no one to believe except those who, like myself, +have communed with the things of another sphere. Suddenly I felt a +strange return of my self-consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to +speak. A strange wonder filled me, and, to the amazement of every one, +I arose, and, staggering a little, walked across the room on limbs +invisible to them or me. It was no wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly +reflected, my legs had been nine months in the strongest alcohol. At +this instant all my new friends crowded around me in astonishment. +Presently, however, I felt myself sinking slowly. My legs were going, +and in a moment I was resting feebly on my two stumps upon the floor. It +was too much. All that was left of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + +I have little to add. I am now at home in the West, surrounded by every +form of kindness and every possible comfort; but alas! I have so +little surety of being myself that I doubt my own honesty in drawing +my pension, and feel absolved from gratitude to those who are kind to +a being who is uncertain of being enough himself to be conscientiously +responsible. It is needless to add that I am not a happy fraction of +a man, and that I am eager for the day when I shall rejoin the lost +members of my corporeal family in another and a happier world. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The +Case Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + +***** This file should be named 693-0.txt or 693-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/9/693/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/693-0.zip b/693-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d2077e --- /dev/null +++ b/693-0.zip diff --git a/693-h.zip b/693-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5a4ae3 --- /dev/null +++ b/693-h.zip diff --git a/693-h/693-h.htm b/693-h/693-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..525d125 --- /dev/null +++ b/693-h/693-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3709 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Autobiography of a Quack, by S. Weir Mitchell + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case +Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case Of George Dedlow + +Author: S. Weir Mitchell + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #693] +Last Updated: November 15, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK <br /><br /> AND <br /><br /> THE CASE OF GEORGE + DEDLOW + </h1> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By S. Weir Mitchell, M.D., LL.D. Harvard And Edinburgh + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <p> + Both of the tales in this little volume appeared originally in the + “Atlantic Monthly” as anonymous contributions. I owe to the present owners + of that journal permission to use them. “The Autobiography of a Quack” has + been recast with large additions. + </p> + <p> + “The Case of George Dedlow” was not written with any intention that it + should appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the Rev. Dr. Furness and + forgot it. This gentleman sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett Hale. He, + presuming, I fancy, that every one desired to appear in the “Atlantic,” + offered it to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards I received a + proof and a check. The story was inserted as a leading article without my + name. It was at once accepted by many as the description of a real case. + Money was collected in several places to assist the unfortunate man, and + benevolent persons went to the “Stump Hospital,” in Philadelphia, to see + the sufferer and to offer him aid. The spiritual incident at the end of + the story was received with joy by the spiritualists as a valuable proof + of the truth of their beliefs. + </p> + <p> + S. WEIR MITCHELL <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + </h2> + <p> + At this present moment of time I am what the doctors call an interesting + case, and am to be found in bed No. 10, Ward 11, Massachusetts General + Hospital. I am told that I have what is called Addison’s disease, and that + it is this pleasing malady which causes me to be covered with large + blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, it is a rather grim subject to + joke about, because, if I believed the doctor who comes around every day, + and thumps me, and listens to my chest with as much pleasure as if I were + music all through—I say, if I really believed him, I should suppose + I was going to die. The fact is, I don’t believe him at all. Some of these + days I shall take a turn and get about again; but meanwhile it is rather + dull for a stirring, active person like me to have to lie still and watch + myself getting big brown and yellow spots all over me, like a map that has + taken to growing. + </p> + <p> + The man on my right has consumption—smells of cod-liver oil, and + coughs all night. The man on my left is a down-easter with a liver which + has struck work; looks like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives to + whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he does, I can’t understand. I have + tried reading and tried whittling, but they don’t either of them satisfy + me, so that yesterday I concluded to ask the doctor if he couldn’t suggest + some other amusement. + </p> + <p> + I waited until he had gone through the ward, and then seized my chance, + and asked him to stop a moment. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my man,” said he, “what do you want!” + </p> + <p> + I thought him rather disrespectful, but I replied, “Something to do, + doctor.” + </p> + <p> + He thought a little, and then said: “I’ll tell you what to do. I think if + you were to write out a plain account of your life it would be pretty well + worth reading. If half of what you told me last week be true, you must be + about as clever a scamp as there is to be met with. I suppose you would + just as lief put it on paper as talk it.” + </p> + <p> + “Pretty nearly,” said I. “I think I will try it, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + After he left I lay awhile thinking over the matter. I knew well that I + was what the world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I had got little + good out of the fact. If a man is what people call virtuous, and fails in + life, he gets credit at least for the virtue; but when a man is a—is—well, + one of liberal views, and breaks down, somehow or other people don’t + credit him with even the intelligence he has put into the business. This I + call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction the energy and skill with + which I did my work, I should be nothing but disgusted at the melancholy + spectacle of my failure. I suppose that I shall at least find occupation + in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore, for my own satisfaction, I + shall try to amuse my convalescence by writing a plain, straightforward + account of the life I have led, and the various devices by which I have + sought to get my share of the money of my countrymen. It does appear to me + that I have had no end of bad luck. + </p> + <p> + As no one will ever see these pages, I find it pleasant to recall for my + own satisfaction the fact that I am really a very remarkable man. I am, or + rather I was, very good-looking, five feet eleven, with a lot of curly red + hair, and blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another unusual thing. My + hands have often been noticed. I get them from my mother, who was a + Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, he was rather common. He was a + little man, red and round like an apple, but very strong, for a reason I + shall come to presently. The family must have had a pious liking for Bible + names, because he was called Zebulon, my sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, + which is not a name for a gentleman. At one time I thought of changing it, + but I got over it by signing myself “E. Sanderaft.” + </p> + <p> + Where my father was born I do not know, except that it was somewhere in + New Jersey, for I remember that he was once angry because a man called him + a Jersey Spaniard. I am not much concerned to write about my people, + because I soon got above their level; and as to my mother, she died when I + was an infant. I get my manners, which are rather remarkable, from her. + </p> + <p> + My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept house for us, was a queer character. + She had a snug little property, about seven thousand dollars. An old aunt + left her the money because she was stone-deaf. As this defect came upon + her after she grew up, she still kept her voice. This woman was the cause + of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she is uncomfortable, wherever + she is. I think with satisfaction that I helped to make her life uneasy + when I was young, and worse later on. She gave away to the idle poor some + of her small income, and hid the rest, like a magpie, in her Bible or + rolled in her stockings, or in even queerer places. The worst of her was + that she could tell what people said by looking at their lips; this I + hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, her ways of hiding her money + proved useful, to me at least. As to Peninnah, she was nothing special + until she suddenly bloomed out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to + ribbons, and liked what she called “keeping company.” She ran errands for + every one, waited on my aunt, and thought I was a wonderful person—as + indeed I was. I never could understand her fondness for helping everybody. + A fellow has got himself to think about, and that is quite enough. I was + told pretty often that I was the most selfish boy alive. But, then, I am + an unusual person, and there are several names for things. + </p> + <p> + My father kept a small shop for the sale of legal stationery and the like, + on Fifth street north of Chestnut. But his chief interest in life lay in + the bell-ringing of Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and the whole + business was in the hands of a kind of guild which is nearly as old as the + church. I used to hear more of it than I liked, because my father talked + of nothing else. But I do not mean to bore myself writing of bells. I + heard too much about “back shake,” “raising in peal,” “scales,” and + “touches,” and the Lord knows what. + </p> + <p> + My earliest remembrance is of sitting on my father’s shoulder when he led + off the ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by reason of this + exercise. With one foot caught in a loop of leather nailed to the floor, + he would begin to pull No. 1, and by and by the whole peal would be + swinging, and he going up and down, to my joy; I used to feel as if it was + I that was making the great noise that rang out all over the town. My + familiar acquaintance with the old church and its lumber-rooms, where were + stored the dusty arms of William and Mary and George II., proved of use in + my later days. + </p> + <p> + My father had a strong belief in my talents, and I do not think he was + mistaken. As he was quite uneducated, he determined that I should not be. + He had saved enough to send me to Princeton College, and when I was about + fifteen I was set free from the public schools. I never liked them. The + last I was at was the high school. As I had to come down-town to get home, + we used to meet on Arch street the boys from the grammar-school of the + university, and there were fights every week. In winter these were most + frequent, because of the snow-balling. A fellow had to take his share or + be marked as a deserter. I never saw any personal good to be had out of a + fight, but it was better to fight than to be cobbed. That means that two + fellows hold you, and the other fellows kick you with their bent knees. It + hurts. + </p> + <p> + I find just here that I am describing a thing as if I were writing for + some other people to see. I may as well go on that way. After all, a man + never can quite stand off and look at himself as if he was the only person + concerned. He must have an audience, or make believe to have one, even if + it is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I be unwilling, if it were + safe, to let people see how great ability may be defeated by the + crankiness of fortune. + </p> + <p> + I may add here that a stone inside of a snowball discourages the fellow it + hits. But neither our fellows nor the grammar-school used stones in + snowballs. I rather liked it. If we had a row in the springtime we all + threw stones, and here was one of those bits of stupid custom no man can + understand; because really a stone outside of a snowball is much more + serious than if it is mercifully padded with snow. I felt it to be a rise + in life when I got out of the society of the common boys who attended the + high school. + </p> + <p> + When I was there a man by the name of Dallas Bache was the head master. He + had a way of letting the boys attend to what he called the character of + the school. Once I had to lie to him about taking another boy’s ball. He + told my class that I had denied the charge, and that he always took it for + granted that a boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough what would happen. + It did. After that I was careful. + </p> + <p> + Princeton was then a little college, not expensive, which was very well, + as my father had some difficulty to provide even the moderate amount + needed. + </p> + <p> + I soon found that if I was to associate with the upper set of young men I + needed money. For some time I waited in vain. But in my second year I + discovered a small gold-mine, on which I drew with a moderation which + shows even thus early the strength of my character. + </p> + <p> + I used to go home once a month for a Sunday visit, and on these occasions + I was often able to remove from my aunt’s big Bible a five- or ten-dollar + note, which otherwise would have been long useless. + </p> + <p> + Now and then I utilized my opportunities at Princeton. I very much desired + certain things like well-made clothes, and for these I had to run in debt + to a tailor. When he wanted pay, and threatened to send the bill to my + father, I borrowed from two or three young Southerners; but at last, when + they became hard up, my aunt’s uncounted hoard proved a last resource, or + some rare chance in a neighboring room helped me out. I never did look on + this method as of permanent usefulness, and it was only the temporary + folly of youth. + </p> + <p> + Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, I took no large amount of + education, although I was fond of reading, and especially of novels, which + are, I think, very instructive to the young, especially the novels of + Smollett and Fielding. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, little need to dwell on this part of my life. College + students in those days were only boys, and boys are very strange animals. + They have instincts. They somehow get to know if a fellow does not relate + facts as they took place. I like to put it that way, because, after all, + the mode of putting things is only one of the forms of self-defense, and + is less silly than the ordinary wriggling methods which boys employ, and + which are generally useless. I was rather given to telling large stories + just for the fun of it and, I think, told them well. But somehow I got the + reputation of not being strictly definite, and when it was meant to + indicate this belief they had an ill-mannered way of informing you. This + consisted in two or three fellows standing up and shuffling noisily with + their feet on the floor. When first I heard this I asked innocently what + it meant, and was told it was the noise of the bearers’ feet coming to + take away Ananias. This was considered a fine joke. + </p> + <p> + During my junior year I became unpopular, and as I was very cautious, I + cannot see why. At last, being hard up, I got to be foolishly reckless. + But why dwell on the failures of immaturity? + </p> + <p> + The causes which led to my leaving Nassau Hall were not, after all, the + mischievous outbreaks in which college lads indulge. Indeed, I have never + been guilty of any of those pieces of wanton wickedness which injure the + feelings of others while they lead to no useful result. When I left to + return home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon the necessity of + greater care in following out my inclinations, and from that time forward + I have steadily avoided, whenever it was possible, the vulgar vice of + directly possessing myself of objects to which I could show no legal + title. My father was indignant at the results of my college career; and, + according to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had some effect in shortening + his life. My sister believed my account of the matter. It ended in my + being used for a year as an assistant in the shop, and in being taught to + ring bells—a fine exercise, but not proper work for a man of + refinement. My father died while training his bell-ringers in the Oxford + triple bob—broke a blood-vessel somewhere. How I could have caused + that I do not see. + </p> + <p> + I was now about nineteen years old, and, as I remember, a middle-sized, + well-built young fellow, with large eyes, a slight mustache, and, I have + been told, with very good manners and a somewhat humorous turn. Besides + these advantages, my guardian held in trust for me about two thousand + dollars. After some consultation between us, it was resolved that I should + study medicine. This conclusion was reached nine years before the + Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, for the sake of economy, in + Woodbury, New Jersey. From this time I saw very little of my deaf aunt or + of Peninnah. I was resolute to rise in the world, and not to be weighted + by relatives who were without my tastes and my manners. + </p> + <p> + I set out for Philadelphia, with many good counsels from my aunt and + guardian. I look back upon this period as a turning-point of my life. I + had seen enough of the world already to know that if you can succeed + without exciting suspicion, it is by far the pleasantest way; and I really + believe that if I had not been endowed with so fatal a liking for all the + good things of life I might have lived along as reputably as most men. + This, however, is, and always has been, my difficulty, and I suppose that + I am not responsible for the incidents to which it gave rise. Most men + have some ties in life, but I have said I had none which held me. Peninnah + cried a good deal when we parted, and this, I think, as I was still young, + had a very good effect in strengthening my resolution to do nothing which + could get me into trouble. The janitor of the college to which I went + directed me to a boarding-house, where I engaged a small third-story room, + which I afterwards shared with Mr. Chaucer of Georgia. He pronounced it, + as I remember, “Jawjah.” + </p> + <p> + In this very remarkable abode I spent the next two winters, and finally + graduated, along with two hundred more, at the close of my two years of + study. I should previously have been one year in a physician’s office as a + student, but this regulation was very easily evaded. As to my studies, the + less said the better. I attended the quizzes, as they call them, pretty + closely, and, being of a quick and retentive memory, was thus enabled to + dispense with some of the six or seven lectures a day which duller men + found it necessary to follow. + </p> + <p> + Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty business for a gentleman, and on + this account I did just as little as was absolutely essential. In fact, if + a man took his tickets and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled + himself as to whether or not he did any more than this. A like evil + existed at the graduation: whether you squeezed through or passed with + credit was a thing which was not made public, so that I had absolutely + nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told that it is all very different + to-day. + </p> + <p> + The astonishment with which I learned of my success was shared by the + numerous Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors and perfumed with + tobacco the rooms of our boarding-house. In my companions, during the time + of my studies so called, as in other matters of life, I was somewhat + unfortunate. All of them were Southern gentlemen, with more money than I + had. Many of them carried great sticks, usually sword-canes, and some + bowie-knives or pistols; also, they delighted in swallow-tailed coats, + long hair, broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight boots. I often think of + these gentlemen with affectionate interest, and wonder how many are lying + under the wheat-fields of Virginia. One could see them any day sauntering + along with their arms over their companions’ shoulders, splendidly + indifferent to the ways of the people about them. They hated the “Nawth” + and cursed the Yankees, and honestly believed that the leanest of them was + a match for any half a dozen of the bulkiest of Northerners. I must also + do them the justice to say that they were quite as ready to fight as to + brag, which, by the way, is no meager statement. With these gentry—for + whom I retain a respect which filled me with regret at the recent course + of events—I spent a good deal of my large leisure. The more studious + of both sections called us a hard crowd. What we did, or how we did it, + little concerns me here, except that, owing to my esteem for chivalric + blood and breeding, I was led into many practices and excesses which cost + my guardian and myself a good deal of money. At the close of my career as + a student I found myself aged twenty-one years, and the owner of some + seven hundred dollars—the rest of my small estate having disappeared + variously within the last two years. After my friends had gone to their + homes in the South I began to look about me for an office, and finally + settled upon very good rooms in one of the down-town localities of the + Quaker City. I am not specific as to the number and street, for reasons + which may hereafter appear. I liked the situation on various accounts. It + had been occupied by a doctor; the terms were reasonable; and it lay on + the skirts of a good neighborhood, while below it lived a motley + population, among which I expected to get my first patients and such fees + as were to be had. Into this new home I moved my medical text-books, a few + bones, and myself. Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, upon + which was distinctly to be read: + </p> + <p> + DR. E. SANDERAFT. Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + </p> + <p> + I felt now that I had done my fair share toward attaining a virtuous + subsistence, and so I waited tranquilly, and without undue enthusiasm, to + see the rest of the world do its part in the matter. Meanwhile I read up + on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at home all through my office + hours, and at intervals explored the strange section of the town which lay + to the south of my office. I do not suppose there is anything like it else + where. It was then filled with grog-shops, brothels, slop-shops, and low + lodging-houses. You could dine for a penny on soup made from the refuse + meats of the rich, gathered at back gates by a horde of half-naked + children, who all told varieties of one woeful tale. Here, too, you could + be drunk for five cents, and be lodged for three, with men, women, and + children of all colors lying about you. It was this hideous mixture of + black and white and yellow wretchedness which made the place so peculiar. + The blacks predominated, and had mostly that swollen, reddish, dark skin, + the sign in this race of habitual drunkenness. Of course only the lowest + whites were here—rag-pickers, pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, + and the like. All of this, as it came before me, I viewed with mingled + disgust and philosophy. I hated filth, but I understood that society has + to stand on somebody, and I was only glad that I was not one of the + undermost and worst-squeezed bricks. + </p> + <p> + I can hardly believe that I waited a month without having been called upon + by a single patient. At last a policeman on our beat brought me a fancy + man with a dog-bite. This patient recommended me to his brother, the + keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and by very slow degrees I began to + get stray patients who were too poor to indulge in up-town doctors. I + found the police very useful acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar now + and then, I got most of the cases of cut heads and the like at the next + station-house. These, however, were the aristocrats of my practice; the + bulk of my patients were soap-fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, hose-house + bummers, and worse, with other and nameless trades, men and women, white, + black, or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, and quarters with which + I was reluctantly paid, I do not know; that, indeed, was none of my + business. They expected to pay, and they came to me in preference to the + dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, who seemed to me to spend + most of his days in the lanes and alleys about us. Of course he received + no pay except experience, since the dispensaries in the Quaker City, as a + rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; and the vilest of the poor + prefer a “pay doctor” to one of these disinterested gentlemen, who cannot + be expected to give their best brains for nothing, when at everybody’s + beck and call. I am told, indeed I know, that most young doctors do a + large amount of poor practice, as it is called; but, for my own part, I + think it better for both parties when the doctor insists upon some + compensation being made to him. This has been usually my own custom, and I + have not found reason to regret it. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding my strict attention to my own interests, I have been + rather sorely dealt with by fate upon several occasions, where, so far as + I could see, I was vigilantly doing everything in my power to keep myself + out of trouble or danger. I may as well relate one of them, merely to + illustrate of how little value a man’s intellect may be when fate and the + prejudices of the mass of men are against him. + </p> + <p> + One evening, late, I myself answered a ring at the bell, and found a small + black boy on the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, curled darkness + for hair, and teeth like new tombstones. It was pretty cold, and he was + relieving his feet by standing first on one and then on the other. He did + not wait for me to speak. + </p> + <p> + “Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 + Bedford street.” + </p> + <p> + The locality did not look like pay, but it is hard to say in this quarter, + because sometimes you found a well-to-do “brandy-snifter” (local for + gin-shop) or a hard-working “leather-jeweler” (ditto for shoemaker), with + next door, in a house better or worse, dozens of human rats for whom every + police trap in the city was constantly set. + </p> + <p> + With a doubt in my mind as to whether I should find a good patient or some + dirty nigger, I sought the place to which I had been directed. I did not + like its looks; but I blundered up an alley and into a back room, where I + fell over somebody, and was cursed and told to lie down and keep easy, or + somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would make me. At last I lit on a + staircase which led into the alley, and, after much useless inquiry, got + as high as the garret. People hereabout did not know one another, or did + not want to know, so that it was of little avail to ask questions. At + length I saw a light through the cracks in the attic door, and walked in. + To my amazement, the first person I saw was a woman of about thirty-five, + in pearl-gray Quaker dress—one of your quiet, good-looking people. + She was seated on a stool beside a straw mattress upon which lay a black + woman. There were three others crowded close around a small stove, which + was red-hot—an unusual spectacle in this street. Altogether a most + nasty den. + </p> + <p> + As I came in, the little Quaker woman got up and said: “I took the liberty + of sending for thee to look at this poor woman. I am afraid she has the + smallpox. Will thee be so kind as to look at her?” And with this she held + down the candle toward the bed. + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious!” I said hastily, seeing how the creature was speckled “I + didn’t understand this, or I would not have come. I have important cases + which I cannot subject to the risk of contagion. Best let her alone, + miss,” I added, “or send her to the smallpox hospital.” + </p> + <p> + Upon my word, I was astonished at the little woman’s indignation. She said + just those things which make you feel as if somebody had been calling you + names or kicking you—Was I really a doctor? and so on. It did not + gain by being put in the ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. However, I never + did fancy smallpox, and what could a fellow get by doctoring wretches like + these? So I held my tongue and went away. About a week afterwards I met + Evans, the dispensary man, a very common fellow, who was said to be frank. + </p> + <p> + “Helloa!” says he. “Doctor, you made a nice mistake about that darky at + No. 709 Bedford street the other night. She had nothing but measles, after + all.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course I knew,” said I, laughing; “but you don’t think I was going in + for dispensary trash, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “I should think not,” said Evans. + </p> + <p> + I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker had taken an absurd fancy to + the man because he had doctored the darky and would not let the Quakeress + pay him. The end was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the Southwark + Dispensary, where they do pay the doctors, Miss Barker was malignant + enough to take advantage of my oversight by telling the whole story to the + board; so that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + </p> + <p> + You may be pretty sure that I found rather slow the kind of practice I + have described, and began to look about for chances of bettering myself. + In this sort of locality rather risky cases turned up now and then; and as + soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, I began to get the peculiar + sort of practice I wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I found myself, + at the close of three years, with all my means spent, and just able to + live meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no means suited a man of my + refined tastes. + </p> + <p> + Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, and was able to secure moderate + aid by overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to these changes of + property I was careful, and did not venture to secure the large amount I + needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time hidden, and I judged it, + therefore, to be her chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly distrusted. + </p> + <p> + Six months went by, and I was worse off than ever—two months in + arrears of rent, and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and + liquor-dealers. Now and then some good job, such as a burglar with a cut + head, helped me for a while; but, on the whole, I was like Slider + Downeyhylle in Neal’s “Charcoal Sketches,” and kept going “downer and + downer” the more I tried not to. Something had to be done. + </p> + <p> + It occurred to me, about this time, that if I moved into a more genteel + locality I might get a better class of patients, and yet keep the best of + those I now had. To do this it was necessary to pay my rent, and the more + so because I was in a fair way to have no house at all over my head. But + here fortune interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm on Seventh + Street, and ran to catch an omnibus. As I pulled open the door I saw + behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. I laughed and jumped in. She had + to run a little before the ‘bus again stopped. She got pretty wet. An old + man in the corner, who seemed in the way of taking charge of other + people’s manners, said to me: “Young man, you ought to be ashamed to get + in before the lady, and in this pour, too!” + </p> + <p> + I said calmly, “But you got in before her.” + </p> + <p> + He made no reply to this obvious fact, as he might have been in the bus a + half-hour. A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a laugh, “Rather + neat, that,” and, turning, tried to pull up a window-sash. In the effort + something happened, and he broke the glass, cutting his hand in half a + dozen places. While he was using several quite profane phrases, I caught + his hand and said, “I am a surgeon,” and tied my handkerchief around the + bleeding palm. + </p> + <p> + The guardian of manners said, “I hope you are not much hurt, but there was + no reason why you should swear.” + </p> + <p> + On this my patient said, “Go to ——,” which silenced the + monitor. + </p> + <p> + I explained to the wounded man that the cuts should be looked after at + once. The matter was arranged by our leaving the ‘bus, and, as the rain + had let up, walking to his house. This was a large and quite luxurious + dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for his wounds, which, as I had + informed him, required immediate attention. It was at this time summer, + and his wife and niece, the only other members of his family, were absent. + On my second visit I made believe to remove some splinters of glass which + I brought with me. He said they showed how shamefully thin was that + omnibus window-pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the end of the month,—for + one wound was long in healing,—presented me with one hundred + dollars. This paid my small rental, and as Mr. Poynter allowed me to refer + to him, I was able to get a better office and bedroom on Spruce street. I + saw no more of my patient until winter, although I learned that he was a + stock-broker, not in the very best repute, but of a well-known family. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile my move had been of small use. I was wise enough, however, to + keep up my connection with my former clients, and contrived to live. It + was no more than that. One day in December I was overjoyed to see Mr. + Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very pale, and never, to my remembrance, + without a permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and now at once I saw + that he wanted something. + </p> + <p> + I hated the way that man saw through me. He went on without hesitation, + taking me for granted. He began by saying he had confidence in my + judgment, and when a man says that you had better look out. He said he had + a niece who lived with him, a brother’s child; that she was out of health + and ought not to marry, which was what she meant to do. She was scared + about her health, because she had a cough, and had lost a brother of + consumption. I soon came to understand that, for reasons unknown to me, my + friend did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, he also informed me, was + troubled as to the niece’s health. Now, he said, he wished to consult me + as to what he should do. I suspected at once that he had not told me all. + </p> + <p> + I have often wondered at the skill with which I managed this rather + delicate matter. I knew I was not well enough known to be of direct use, + and was also too young to have much weight. I advised him to get Professor + C. + </p> + <p> + Then my friend shook his head. He said in reply, “But suppose, doctor, he + says there is nothing wrong with the girl?” + </p> + <p> + Then I began to understand him. + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” I said, “you get a confidential written opinion from him. You can + make it what you please when you tell her.” + </p> + <p> + He said no. It would be best for me to ask the professor to see Miss + Poynter; might mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I was to get his + opinion in writing. + </p> + <p> + “Well?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “After that I want you to write me a joint opinion to meet the case—all + the needs of the case, you see.” + </p> + <p> + I saw, but hesitated as to how much would make it worth while to pull his + hot chestnuts out of the fire—one never knows how hot the chestnuts + are. + </p> + <p> + Then he said, “Ever take a chance in stocks?” + </p> + <p> + I said, “No.” + </p> + <p> + He said that he would lend me a little money and see what he could do with + it. And here was his receipt from me for one thousand dollars, and here, + too, was my order to buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to Sign it? I + did. + </p> + <p> + I was to call in two days at his house, and meantime I could think it + over. It seemed to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the young woman—well, + supposing is awfully destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I had only + to misunderstand the professor’s opinion. I went to the house, and talked + to Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter came in, and began to + lament her niece’s declining health. After that I saw Miss Poynter. There + is a kind of innocent-looking woman who knows no more of the world than a + young chicken, and is choke-full of emotions. I saw it would be easy to + frighten her. There are some instruments anybody can get any tune they + like out of. I was very grave, and advised her to see the professor. And + would I write to ask him, said Mr. Poynter. I said I would. + </p> + <p> + As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: “You will clear some four hundred + easy. Write to the professor. Bring my receipt to the office next week, + and we will settle.” + </p> + <p> + We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave him one for fifteen hundred + dollars, and received in notes five hundred dollars. + </p> + <p> + In a day or so I had a note from the professor stating that Miss Poynter + was in no peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, and had only a mild + bronchial trouble. He advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured to + reassure my young patient. Now, this was a little more than I wanted. + However, I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought she had + bronchitis, that in her case tubercle would be very apt to follow, and + that at present, and until she was safe, we considered marriage + undesirable. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Poynter said it might have been put stronger, but he would make it do. + He made it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. The final result + was that she eloped with her lover, because if she was to die, as she + wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her husband’s arms. Human nature plus + hysteria will defy all knowledge of character. This was what our old + professor of practice used to say. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Poynter had now to account for a large trust estate which had somehow + dwindled. Unhappily, princes are not the only people in whom you must not + put your trust. As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to know the facts, + and cut me dead. It was unpleasant, but I had my five hundred dollars, and—I + needed them. I do not see how I could have been more careful. + </p> + <p> + After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter broke, and did not even pay my + last bill. I had to accept several rather doubtful cases, and once a + policeman I knew advised me that I had better be on my guard. + </p> + <p> + But, really, so long as I adhered to the common code of my profession I + was in danger of going without my dinner. + </p> + <p> + Just as I was at my worst and in despair something always turned up, but + it was sure to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see me, and Peninnah + wrote me goody-goody letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable to find + certain bank-notes she had hidden, and vowed I had taken them. This + Peninnah did not think possible. I agreed with her. The notes were found + somewhat later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my aunt’s old + slippers. Of course I wrote an indignant letter. My aunt declared that + Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored them when they were missed. + Poor Peninnah! This did not seem to me very likely, but Peninnah did love + fine clothes. + </p> + <p> + One night, as I was debating with myself as to how I was to improve my + position, I heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to the door, let in a + broad-shouldered man with a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He wore a + heavy black beard and mustache, and looked like the wolf in the pictures + of Red Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + </p> + <p> + “Your name’s Sanderaft?” said the man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; that’s my name—Dr. Sanderaft.” + </p> + <p> + As he sat down he shook the snow over everything, and said coolly: “Set + down, doc; I want to talk with you.” + </p> + <p> + “What can I do for you?” said I. + </p> + <p> + The man looked around the room rather scornfully, at the same time + throwing back his coat and displaying a red neckerchief and a huge garnet + pin. “Guess you’re not overly rich,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “Not especially,” said I. “What’s that your business?” + </p> + <p> + He did not answer, but merely said, “Know Simon Stagers?” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say I do,” said I, cautiously. Simon was a burglar who had blown + off two fingers when mining a safe. I had attended him while he was + hiding. + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say you do. Well, you can lie, and no mistake. Come, now, doc. + Simon says you’re safe, and I want to have a leetle plain talk with you.” + </p> + <p> + With this he laid ten gold eagles on the table. I put out my hand + instinctively. + </p> + <p> + “Let ‘em alone,” cried the man, sharply. “They’re easy earned, and ten + more like ‘em.” + </p> + <p> + “For doing what?” I said. + </p> + <p> + The man paused a moment, and looked around him; next he stared at me, and + loosened his cravat with a hasty pull. “You’re the coroner,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “I! What do you mean?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you’re the coroner; don’t you understand?” and so saying, he shoved + the gold pieces toward me. + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” said I; “we will suppose I’m the coroner. What next?” + </p> + <p> + “And being the coroner,” said he, “you get this note, which requests you + to call at No. 9 Blank street to examine the body of a young man which is + supposed—only supposed, you see—to have—well, to have + died under suspicious circumstances.” + </p> + <p> + “Go on,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “No,” he returned; “not till I know how you like it. Stagers and another + knows it; and it wouldn’t be very safe for you to split, besides not + making nothing out of it. But what I say is this, Do you like the business + of coroner?” + </p> + <p> + I did not like it; but just then two hundred in gold was life to me, so I + said: “Let me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s square enough,” said the man. “My wife’s got”—correcting + himself with a shivery shrug—“my wife had a brother that took to + cutting up rough because when I’d been up too late I handled her a leetle + hard now and again. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just then—you see, he lived with + us. When he got better I guessed he’d drop all that; but somehow he was + worse than ever—clean off his head, and strong as an ox. My wife + said to put him away in an asylum. I didn’t think that would do. At last + he tried to get out. He was going to see the police about—well—the + thing was awful serious, and my wife carrying on like mad, and wanting + doctors. I had no mind to run, and something had got to be done. So Simon + Stagers and I talked it over. The end of it was, he took worse of a + sudden, and got so he didn’t know nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. He + said it was a perforation, and there ought to have been a doctor when he + was first took sick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the man died, and as I kept about the house, my wife had no chance + to talk. The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a certificate. I + thought we were done with it. But my wife she writes a note and gives it + to a boy in the alley to put in the post. We suspicioned her, and Stagers + was on the watch. After the boy got away a bit, Simon bribed him with a + quarter to give him the note, which wasn’t no less than a request to the + coroner to come to the house to-morrow and make an examination, as foul + play was suspected—and poison.” + </p> + <p> + When the man quit talking he glared at me. I sat still. I was cold all + over. I was afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides which, I did + not doubt that there was a good deal of money in the case. + </p> + <p> + “Of course,” said I, “it’s nonsense; only I suppose you don’t want the + officers about, and a fuss, and that sort of thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly,” said my friend. “It’s all bosh about poison. You’re the + coroner. You take this note and come to my house. Says you: ‘Mrs. File, + are you the woman that wrote this note? Because in that case I must + examine the body.’” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said I; “she needn’t know who I am, or anything else; but if I + tell her it’s all right, do you think she won’t want to know why there + isn’t a jury, and so on?” + </p> + <p> + “Bless you,” said the man, “the girl isn’t over seventeen, and doesn’t + know no more than a baby. As we live up-town miles away, she won’t know + anything about you.” + </p> + <p> + “I’ll do it,” said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, it involved no sort of + risk; “but I must have three hundred dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “And fifty,” added the wolf, “if you do it well.” + </p> + <p> + Then I knew it was serious. + </p> + <p> + With this the man buttoned about him a shaggy gray overcoat, and took his + leave without a single word in addition. + </p> + <p> + A minute later he came back and said: “Stagers is in this business, and I + was to remind you of Lou Wilson,—I forgot that,—the woman that + died last year. That’s all.” Then he went away, leaving me in a cold + sweat. I knew now I had no choice. I understood why I had been selected. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in my life, that night I couldn’t sleep. I thought to + myself, at last, that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, and + escape, leaving my books to pay as they might my arrears of rent. Looking + out of the window, however, in the morning, I saw Stagers prowling about + the opposite pavement; and as the only exit except the street door was an + alleyway which opened along-side of the front of the house, I gave myself + up for lost. About ten o’clock I took my case of instruments and started + for File’s house, followed, as I too well understood, by Stagers. + </p> + <p> + I knew the house, which was in a small uptown street, by its closed + windows and the craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. However, it + was too late to draw back, and I therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A + haggard-looking young woman came down, and led me into a small parlor, for + whose darkened light I was thankful enough. + </p> + <p> + “Did you write this note?” + </p> + <p> + “I did,” said the woman, “if you’re the coroner. Joe File—he’s my + husband—he’s gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it was his, I + do.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you suspect?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll tell you,” she returned in a whisper. “I think he was made away + with. I think there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. That’s what I + think.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope you may be mistaken,” said I. “Suppose you let me see the body.” + </p> + <p> + “You shall see it,” she replied; and following her, I went up-stairs to a + front chamber, where I found the corpse. + </p> + <p> + “Get it over soon,” said the woman, with strange firmness. “If there ain’t + no murder been done I shall have to run for it; if there was”—and + her face set hard—“I guess I’ll stay.” With this she closed the door + and left me with the dead. + </p> + <p> + If I had known what was before me I never could have gone into the thing + at all. It looked a little better when I had opened a window and let in + plenty of light; for although I was, on the whole, far less afraid of dead + than living men, I had an absurd feeling that I was doing this dead man a + distinct wrong—as if it mattered to the dead, after all! When the + affair was over, I thought more of the possible consequences than of its + relation to the dead man himself; but do as I would at the time, I was in + a ridiculous funk, and especially when going through the forms of a + post-mortem examination. + </p> + <p> + I am free to confess now that I was careful not to uncover the man’s face, + and that when it was over I backed to the door and hastily escaped from + the room. On the stairs opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with her + bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said she, rising as she spoke, and with a certain eagerness in her + tone, “what killed him? Was it poison?” + </p> + <p> + “Poison, my good woman!” said I. “When a man has typhoid fever he don’t + need poison to kill him. He had a relapse, that’s all.” + </p> + <p> + “And do you mean to say he wasn’t poisoned,” said she, with more than a + trace of disappointment in her voice—“not poisoned at all?” + </p> + <p> + “No more than you are,” said I. “If I had found any signs of foul play I + should have had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said about it the + better. The fact is, it would have been much wiser to have kept quiet at + the beginning. I can’t understand why you should have troubled me about it + at all. The man had a perforation. It is common enough in typhoid.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s what the doctor said—I didn’t believe him. I guess now the + sooner I leave the better for me.” + </p> + <p> + “As to that,” I returned, “it is none of my business; but you may rest + certain about the cause of your brother’s death.” + </p> + <p> + My fears were somewhat quieted that evening when Stagers and the wolf + appeared with the remainder of the money, and I learned that Mrs. File had + fled from her home and, as File thought likely, from the city also. A few + months later File himself disappeared, and Stagers found his way for the + third time into the penitentiary. Then I felt at ease. I now see, for my + own part, that I was guilty of more than one mistake, and that I displayed + throughout a want of intelligence. I ought to have asked more, and also + might have got a good fee from Mrs. File on account of my services as + coroner. It served me, however, as a good lesson; but it was several + months before I felt quite comfortable. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit’s end + to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, among + other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, which I + sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send all my + prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or twenty cents + over the correct price, and handed this amount to me. + </p> + <p> + In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on the + part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for it in the + end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to discountenance + the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, I had never done + anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it inclines a doctor to + change his medicines a good deal, and to order them in large quantities, + which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as I have always + observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so that I prefer to + distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than to concentrate it on + myself. That’s a rather neat phrase. + </p> + <p> + About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an incident + occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my professional + position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came in, and putting + down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and + afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she looked around uneasily, + got up, settled her basket on her arm with a jerk which may have decided + the future of an egg or two, and remarked briskly: “Don’t see no little + bottles about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You ain’t no homeopath + doctor, are you?” + </p> + <p> + With great presence of mind, I replied: “Well, ma’am, that depends upon + what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other.” I + was about to add, “You pay your money and you take your choice,” but + thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical + quotation. + </p> + <p> + “Being as that’s the case,” said the old lady, “I’ll just tell you my + symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn’t you?” + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” replied I. + </p> + <p> + “Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe says—tends + the oyster-stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?” + </p> + <p> + No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms? + </p> + <p> + They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a + misery in the side, with bokin after victuals. + </p> + <p> + I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, + though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it rather + difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one instance where, + having unconsciously applied my instrument over a clamorous silver watch + in the watchfob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a moment that he was + suffering from a rather remarkable displacement of the heart. As to my old + lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an apple-stand near by, I told + her that I was out of pills just then, but would have plenty next day. + Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small amount at a place called a + homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused me immensely. + </p> + <p> + A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a counter + containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely “Lac.,” + “Led.,” “Onis.,” “Op.,” “Puls.,” etc., while behind him were shelves + filled with bottles of what looked like minute white shot. + </p> + <p> + “I want some homeopathic medicine,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Vat kindt?” said my friend. “Vat you vants to cure!” + </p> + <p> + I explained at random that I wished to treat diseases in general. + </p> + <p> + “Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,” and thereon produced a large box + containing bottles of small pills and powders, labeled variously with the + names of the diseases, so that all you required was to use the headache or + colic bottle in order to meet the needs of those particular maladies. + </p> + <p> + I was struck at first with the exquisite simplicity of this arrangement; + but before purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the leaves of a + book, in two volumes, which lay on the counter; it was called “Jahr’s + Manual.” Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon “Lachesis,” which proved + to my amazement to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to be indicated + for use in upward of a hundred symptoms. At once it occurred to me that + “Lach.” was the medicine for my money, and that it was quite needless to + waste cash on the box. I therefore bought a small jar of “Lach.” and a lot + of little pills, and started for home. + </p> + <p> + My old woman proved a fast friend; and as she sent me numerous patients, I + by and by altered my sign to “Homeopathic Physician and Surgeon,” whatever + that may mean, and was regarded by my medical brothers as a lost sheep, + and by the little-pill doctors as one who had seen the error of his ways. + </p> + <p> + In point of fact, my new practice had decided advantages. All pills looked + and tasted alike, and the same might be said of the powders, so that I was + never troubled by those absurd investigations into the nature of remedies + which some patients are prone to make. Of course I desired to get + business, and it was therefore obviously unwise to give little pills of + “Lac.,” or “Puls.,” or “Sep.,” when a man needed a dose of oil, or a + white-faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the useful discovery that + it was only necessary to prescribe cod-liver oil, for instance, as a diet, + in order to make use of it where required. When a man got impatient over + an ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I could persuade him to let me + try a good dose of quinine; while, on the other hand, there was a distinct + pecuniary advantage in those cases of the shakes which could be made to + believe that it “was best not to interfere with nature.” I ought to add + that this kind of faith is uncommon among folks who carry hods or build + walls. + </p> + <p> + For women who are hysterical, and go heart and soul into the business of + being sick, I have found the little pills a most charming resort, because + you cannot carry the refinement of symptoms beyond what my friend Jahr has + done in the way of fitting medicines to them, so that if I had taken + seriously to practising this double form of therapeutics, it had, as I + saw, certain conveniences. + </p> + <p> + Another year went by, and I was beginning to prosper in my new mode of + life. My medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with variations as to the + labels) cost next to nothing; and as I charged pretty well for both these + and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + </p> + <p> + I solemnly believe that I should have continued to succeed in the practice + of my profession if it had not happened that fate was once more unkind to + me, by throwing in my path one of my old acquaintances. I had a + consultation one day with the famous homeopath Dr. Zwanzig. As we walked + away we were busily discussing the case of a poor consumptive fellow who + previously had lost a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. Zwanzig + considered that the ten-thousandth of a grain of aurum would be an + overdose, and that it must be fractioned so as to allow for the departed + leg, otherwise the rest of the man would be getting a leg-dose too much. I + was particularly struck with this view of the case, but I was still more, + and less pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former patient Stagers, + who nodded to me familiarly from the opposite pavement. + </p> + <p> + I was not at all surprised when, that evening quite late, I found this + worthy waiting in my office. I looked around uneasily, which was clearly + understood by my friend, who retorted: “Ain’t took nothin’ of yours, doc. + You don’t seem right awful glad to see me. You needn’t be afraid—I’ve + only fetched you a job, and a right good one, too.” + </p> + <p> + I replied that I had my regular business, that I preferred he should get + some one else, and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware that I had had + enough of him. I did not ask him to sit down, and, just as I supposed him + about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, remarking, “No use, doc; + got to go into it this one time.” + </p> + <p> + At this I, naturally enough, grew angry and used several rather violent + phrases. + </p> + <p> + “No use, doc,” said Stagers. + </p> + <p> + Then I softened down, and laughed a little, and treated the thing as a + joke, whatever it was, for I dreaded to hear. + </p> + <p> + But Stagers was fate. Stagers was inevitable. “Won’t do, doc—not + even money wouldn’t get you off.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” said I, interrogatively, and as coolly as I could, contriving at the + same time to move toward the window. It was summer, the sashes were up, + the shutters half drawn in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging + opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. I would give Stagers a scare, + charge him with theft—anything but get mixed up with his kind again. + It was the folly of a moment and I should have paid dear for it. + </p> + <p> + He must have understood me, the scoundrel, for in an instant I felt a cold + ring of steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on my cravat. “Sit down,” + he said. “What a fool you are! Guess you forgot that there coroner’s + business and the rest.” Needless to say that I obeyed. “Best not try that + again,” continued my guest. “Wait a moment”; and rising, he closed the + window. + </p> + <p> + There was no resource left but to listen; and what followed I shall + condense rather than relate it in the language employed by Mr. Stagers. + </p> + <p> + It appeared that my other acquaintance Mr. File had been guilty of a + cold-blooded and long-premeditated murder, for which he had been tried and + convicted. He now lay in jail awaiting his execution, which was to take + place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed that with Stagers and others he had + formed a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. Their business lay in + the manufacture of South American currencies. File had thus acquired a + fortune so considerable that I was amazed at his having allowed his + passion to seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his agony he + unfortunately thought of me, and had bribed Stagers largely in order that + he might be induced to find me. When the narration had reached this stage, + and I had been made fully to understand that I was now and hereafter under + the sharp eye of Stagers and his friends, that, in a word, escape was out + of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + </p> + <p> + “What does all this mean?” I said. “What does File expect me to do?” + </p> + <p> + “Don’t believe he exactly knows,” said Stagers. “Something or other to get + him clear of hemp.” + </p> + <p> + “But what stuff!” I replied. “How can I help him? What possible influence + could I exert?” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say,” answered Stagers, imperturbably. “File has a notion you’re + ‘most cunning enough for anything. Best try something, doc.” + </p> + <p> + “And what if I won’t do it?” said I. “What does it matter to me if the + rascal swings or no?” + </p> + <p> + “Keep cool, doc,” returned Stagers. “I’m only agent in this here business. + My principal, that’s File, he says: ‘Tell Sanderaft to find some way to + get me clear. Once out, I give him ten thousand dollars. If he don’t turn + up something that will suit, I’ll blow about that coroner business and Lou + Wilson, and break him up generally.’” + </p> + <p> + “You don’t mean,” said I, in a cold sweat—“you don’t mean that, if I + can’t do this impossible thing, he will inform on me?” + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” returned Stagers. “Got a cigar, doc?” + </p> + <p> + I only half heard him. What a frightful position! I had been leading a + happy and an increasingly profitable life—no scrapes and no dangers; + and here, on a sudden, I had presented to me the alternative of saving a + wretch from the gallows or of spending unlimited years in a State + penitentiary. As for the money, it became as dead leaves for this once + only in my life. My brain seemed to be spinning round. I grew weak all + over. + </p> + <p> + “Cheer up a little,” said Stagers. “Take a nip of whisky. Things ain’t at + the worst, by a good bit. You just get ready, and we’ll start by the + morning train. Guess you’ll try out something smart enough as we travel + along. Ain’t got a heap of time to lose.” + </p> + <p> + I was silent. A great anguish had me in its grip. I might squirm as I + would, it was all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, born of this + agony of terror. I might murder Stagers, but what good would that do? As + to File, he was safe from my hand. At last I became too confused to think + any longer. “When do we leave?” I said feebly. + </p> + <p> + “At six to-morrow,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + How I was watched and guarded, and how hurried over a thousand miles of + rail to my fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful to recall it + to memory. Above all, an aching eagerness for revenge upon the man who had + caused me these sufferings was uppermost in my mind. Could I not fool the + wretch and save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into my consciousness. + Then it grew and formed itself, became possible, probable, seemed to me + sure. “Ah,” said I, “Stagers, give me something to eat and drink.” I had + not tasted food for two days. + </p> + <p> + Within a day or two after my arrival, I was enabled to see File in his + cell, on the plea of being a clergyman from his native place. + </p> + <p> + I found that I had not miscalculated my danger. The man did not appear to + have the least idea as to how I was to help him. He only knew that I was + in his power, and he used his control to insure that something more potent + than friendship should be enlisted in his behalf. As the days went by, his + behavior grew to be a frightful thing to witness. He threatened, + flattered, implored, offered to double the sum he had promised if I would + save him. My really reasonable first thought was to see the governor of + the State, and, as Stagers’s former physician, make oath to his having had + many attacks of epilepsy followed by brief periods of homicidal mania. He + had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was + in a distant city. The time was short, and the case against my man too + clear. Stagers said it would not do. I was at my wit’s end. “Got to do + something,” said File, “or I’ll attend to your case, doc.” + </p> + <p> + “But,” said I, “suppose there is really nothing?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Stagers to me when we were alone, “you get him satisfied, + anyhow. He’ll never let them hang him, and perhaps—well, I’m going + to give him these pills when I get a chance. He asked to have them. But + what’s your other plan?” + </p> + <p> + Stagers knew as much about medicine as a pig knows about the opera. So I + set to work to delude him, first asking if he could secure me, as a + clergyman, an hour alone with File just before the execution. He said + money would do it, and what was my plan? + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “there was once a man named Dr. Chovet. He lived in + London. A gentleman who turned highwayman was to be hanged. You see,” said + I, “this was about 1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and the + hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the man’s windpipe, very low down where + it could be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they hanged him only a + little while, and the breath went in and out of the opening below the + noose, he was only just insensible when his friends got him—” + </p> + <p> + “And he got well,” cried Stagers, much pleased with my rather melodramatic + tale. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” I said, “he got well, and lived to take purses, all dressed in + white. People had known him well, and when he robbed his great-aunt, who + was not in the secret, she swore she had seen his ghost.” + </p> + <p> + Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed it would work; small town, new + business, lots of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to save a man is + said to have been made, but, by ill luck, the man did not recover. It + answered my purpose, but how any one, even such an ass as this fellow, + could believe it could succeed puzzles me to this day. + </p> + <p> + File became enthusiastic over my scheme, and I cordially assisted his + credulity. The thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the business blew + up or—and I shuddered—until File, in despair, took his pill. I + should in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + </p> + <p> + My friend Stagers had some absurd misgivings lest Mr. File’s neck might be + broken by the fall; but as to this I was able to reassure him upon the + best scientific authority. There were certain other and minor questions, + as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete arrest of the supply of blood + to the brain; but with these physiological refinements I thought it + needlessly cruel to distract a man in File’s peculiar position. Perhaps I + shall be doing injustice to my own intellect if I do not hasten to state + again that I had not the remotest belief in the efficacy of my plan for + any purpose except to get me out of a very uncomfortable position and give + me, with time, a chance to escape. + </p> + <p> + Stagers and I were both disguised as clergymen, and were quite freely + admitted to the condemned man’s cell. In fact, there was in the little + town a certain trustful simplicity about all their arrangements. The day + but one before the execution Stagers informed me that File had the pills, + which he, Stagers, had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed pleased with + our plan. I was not. He was really getting uneasy and suspicious of me—as + I was soon to find out. + </p> + <p> + So far our plans, or rather mine, had worked to a marvel. Certain of + File’s old accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman to shorten the + time of suspension. Arrangements were made to secure me two hours alone + with the prisoner, so that nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool + business. I had assured Stagers that I would not need to see File again + previous to the operation; but in the forenoon of the day before that set + for the execution I was seized with a feverish impatience, which luckily + prompted me to visit him once more. As usual, I was admitted readily, and + nearly reached his cell when I became aware, from the sound of voices + heard through the grating in the door, that there was a visitor in the + cell. “Who is with him?” I inquired of the turnkey. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “Doctor?” I said, pausing. “What doctor?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back in half an hour to let him out; + but he’s got a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will you wait?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I replied; “it is hardly right to interrupt them. I will walk in the + corridor for ten minutes or so, and then you can come back to let me into + the cell.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” he returned, and left me. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I was alone, I cautiously advanced until I stood alongside of + the door, through the barred grating of which I was able readily to hear + what went on within. The first words I caught were these: + </p> + <p> + “And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a man’s windpipe was open, the + hanging would kill him—are you sure?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I believe there would be no doubt of it. I cannot see how escape + would be possible. But let me ask you why you have sent for me to ask + these singular questions. You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, and + least of all in such a manner as this. I advise you to think about the + fate which is inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to reflect upon.” + </p> + <p> + “But,” said File, “if I wanted to try this plan of mine, couldn’t some one + be found to help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand or so by it? I + mean a really good doctor.” Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my skill, + and meant to get some one to aid me. + </p> + <p> + “If you mean me,” answered the doctor, “some one cannot be found, neither + for twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, if any one were wicked + enough to venture on such an attempt, he would only be deceiving you with + a hope which would be utterly vain. You must be off your head.” + </p> + <p> + I understood all this with an increasing fear in my mind. I had meant to + get away that night at all risks. I saw now that I must go at once. + </p> + <p> + After a pause he said: “Well, doctor, you know a poor devil in my fix will + clutch at straws. Hope I have not offended you.” + </p> + <p> + “Not in the least,” returned the doctor. “Shall I send you Mr. Smith?” + This was my present name; in fact, I was known as the Rev. Eliphalet + Smith. + </p> + <p> + “I would like it,” answered File; “but as you go out, tell the warden I + want to see him immediately about a matter of great importance.” + </p> + <p> + At this stage I began to apprehend very distinctly that the time had + arrived when it would be wiser for me to delay escape no longer. + Accordingly, I waited until I heard the doctor rise, and at once stepped + quietly away to the far end of the corridor. I had scarcely reached it + when the door which closed it was opened by a turnkey who had come to + relieve the doctor and let me into the cell. Of course my peril was + imminent. If the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the prisoner, + immediate disclosure would follow. If some lapse of time were secured + before the warden obeyed the request from File that he should visit him, I + might gain thus a much-needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore said to + the officer: “Tell the warden that the doctor wishes to remain an hour + longer with the prisoner, and that I shall return myself at the end of + that time.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, sir,” said the turnkey, allowing me to pass out, and, as he + followed me, relocking the door of the corridor. “I’ll tell him,” he said. + It is needless to repeat that I never had the least idea of carrying out + the ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded File and Stagers, but so + far Stagers’s watchfulness had given me no chance to escape. + </p> + <p> + In a few moments I was outside of the jail gate, and saw my + fellow-clergyman, Mr. Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, coming + down the street toward me. As usual, he was on his guard; but this time he + had to deal with a man grown perfectly desperate, with everything to win + and nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, wild as they were, I thought + them worth the trying. I must evade this man’s terrible watch. How keen it + was, you cannot imagine; but it was aided by three of the infamous gang to + which File had belonged, for without these spies no one person could + possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + </p> + <p> + I took Stagers’s arm. “What time,” said I, “does the first train start for + Dayton?” + </p> + <p> + “At twelve. What do you want?” + </p> + <p> + “How far is it?” + </p> + <p> + “About fifteen miles,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “Good. I can get back by eight o’clock to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Easily,” said Stagers, “if you go. What do you want?” + </p> + <p> + “I want a smaller tube to put in the windpipe—must have it, in + fact.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don’t like it,” said he, “but the thing’s got to go through + somehow. If you must go, I will go along myself. Can’t lose sight of you, + doc, just at present. You’re monstrous precious. Did you tell File?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said I; “he’s all right. Come. We’ve no time to lose.” + </p> + <p> + Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we were seated in the last car of a long + train, and running at the rate of twenty miles an hour toward Dayton. In + about ten minutes I asked Stagers for a cigar. + </p> + <p> + “Can’t smoke here,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “No,” I answered; “of course not. I’ll go forward into the smoking-car.” + </p> + <p> + “Come along,” said he, and we went through the train. + </p> + <p> + I was not sorry he had gone with me when I found in the smoking-car one of + the spies who had been watching me so constantly. Stagers nodded to him + and grinned at me, and we sat down together. + </p> + <p> + “Chut!” said I, “left my cigar on the window-ledge in the hindmost car. Be + back in a moment.” + </p> + <p> + This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed me to leave unaccompanied. I + hastened through to the nearer end of the hindmost car, and stood on the + platform. I instantly cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, waiting + until the two cars ran together, I tugged at the connecting-pin. As the + cars came together, I could lift it a little, then as the strain came on + the coupling the pin held fast. At last I made a great effort, and out it + came. The car I was on instantly lost speed, and there on the other + platform, a hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his fist at me. He was + beaten, and he knew it. In the end few people have been able to get ahead + of me. + </p> + <p> + The retreating train was half a mile away around the curve as I screwed up + the brake on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to a stand. I did not + wait for it to stop entirely before I slipped off the steps, leaving the + other passengers to dispose of themselves as they might until their + absence should be discovered and the rest of the train return. + </p> + <p> + As I wish rather to illustrate my very remarkable professional career than + to amuse by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not linger to tell + how I succeeded, at last, in reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I had never + ceased to anticipate the moment when escape from File and his friends + would be possible, so that I always carried about with me the very small + funds with which I had hastily provided myself upon leaving. The whole + amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but with this, and a gold watch + worth twice as much, I hoped to be able to subsist until my own ingenuity + enabled me to provide more liberally for the future. Naturally enough, I + scanned the papers closely to discover some account of File’s death and of + the disclosures concerning myself which he was only too likely to have + made. + </p> + <p> + I came at last on an account of how he had poisoned himself, and so + escaped the hangman. I never learned what he had said about me, but I was + quite sure he had not let me off easy. I felt that this failure to + announce his confessions was probably due to a desire on the part of the + police to avoid alarming me. Be this as it may, I remained long ignorant + as to whether or not the villain betrayed my part in that unusual + coroner’s inquest. + </p> + <p> + Before many days I had resolved to make another and a bold venture. + Accordingly appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement to the + effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the well-known German physician, who had + spent two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge of Indian medicine, + was prepared to treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. Dr. von + Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis for two weeks, and was to be found at + the Grayson House every day from ten until two o’clock. + </p> + <p> + To my delight, I got two patients the first day. The next I had twice as + many, when at once I hired two connecting rooms, and made a very useful + arrangement, which I may describe dramatically in the following way: + </p> + <p> + There being two or three patients waiting while I finished my cigar and + morning julep, enters a respectable-looking old gentleman who inquires + briskly of the patients if this is really Dr. von Ingenhoff’s. He is told + it is. My friend was apt to overact his part. I had often occasion to ask + him to be less positive. + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” says he, “I shall be delighted to see the doctor. Five years ago I + was scalped on the Plains, and now”—exhibiting a well-covered head—“you + see what the doctor did for me. ‘T isn’t any wonder I’ve come fifty miles + to see him. Any of you been scalped, gentlemen?” + </p> + <p> + To none of them had this misfortune arrived as yet; but, like most folks + in the lower ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it was pleasant to + find a genial person who would listen to their account of their own + symptoms. + </p> + <p> + Presently, after hearing enough, the old gentleman pulls out a large + watch. “Bless me! it’s late. I must call again. May I trouble you, sir, to + say to the doctor that his old friend called to see him and will drop in + again to-morrow? Don’t forget: Governor Brown of Arkansas.” A moment later + the governor visited me by a side door, with his account of the symptoms + of my patients. + </p> + <p> + Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having retired. “Now, doc,” says the + Hoosier, “I’ve been handled awful these two years back.” “Stop!” I + exclaimed. “Open your eyes. There, now, let me see,” taking his pulse as I + speak. “Ah, you’ve a pain there, and there, and you can’t sleep; cocktails + don’t agree any longer. Weren’t you bit by a dog two years ago?” “I was,” + says the Hoosier, in amazement. “Sir,” I reply, “you have chronic + hydrophobia. It’s the water in the cocktails that disagrees with you. My + bitters will cure you in a week, sir. No more whisky—drink milk.” + </p> + <p> + The astonishment of my patient at these accurate revelations may be + imagined. He is allowed to wait for his medicine in the anteroom, where + the chances are in favor of his relating how wonderfully I had told all + his symptoms at a glance. + </p> + <p> + Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small but clever actor, whom I met in the + billiard-room, and who day after day, in varying disguises and modes, + played off the same tricks, to our great common advantage. + </p> + <p> + At my friend’s suggestion, we very soon added to our resources by the + purchase of two electromagnetic batteries. This special means of treating + all classes of maladies has advantages which are altogether peculiar. In + the first place, you instruct your patient that the treatment is of + necessity a long one. A striking mode of putting it is to say, “Sir, you + have been six months getting ill; it will require six months for a cure.” + There is a correct sound about such a phrase, and it is sure to satisfy. + Two sittings a week, at two dollars a sitting, will pay. In many cases the + patient gets well while you are electrifying him. Whether or not the + electricity cured him is a thing I shall never know. If, however, he began + to show signs of impatience, I advised him that he would require a year’s + treatment, and suggested that it would be economical for him to buy a + battery and use it at home. Thus advised, he pays you twenty dollars for + an instrument which cost you ten, and you are rid of a troublesome case. + </p> + <p> + If the reader has followed me closely, he will have learned that I am a + man of large and liberal views in my profession, and of a very justifiable + ambition. The idea has often occurred to me of combining in one + establishment all the various modes of practice which are known as + irregular. This, as will be understood, is really only a wider application + of the idea which prompted me to unite in my own business homeopathy and + the practice of medicine. I proposed to my partner, accordingly, to + combine with our present business that of spiritualism, which I knew had + been very profitably turned to account in connection with medical + practice. As soon as he agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped to + enlarge so as to include all the available isms, I set about making such + preparations as were necessary. I remembered having read somewhere that a + Dr. Schiff had shown that he could produce remarkable “knockings,” so + called, by voluntarily dislocating the great toe and then forcibly drawing + it back into its socket. A still better noise could be made by throwing + the tendon of the peroneus longus muscle out of the hollow in which it + lies, alongside of the ankle. After some effort I was able to accomplish + both feats quite readily, and could occasion a remarkable variety of + sounds, according to the power which I employed or the positions which I + occupied at the time. As to all other matters, I trusted to the + suggestions of my own ingenuity, which, as a rule, has rarely failed me. + </p> + <p> + The largest success attended the novel plan which my lucky genius had + devised, so that soon we actually began to divide large profits and to lay + by a portion of our savings. It is, of course, not to be supposed that + this desirable result was attained without many annoyances and some + positive danger. My spiritual revelations, medical and other, were, as may + be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; but in this, as in + predictions as to the weather and other events, the rare successes always + get more prominence in the minds of men than the numerous failures. + Moreover, whenever a person has been fool enough to resort to folks like + myself, he is always glad to be able to defend his conduct by bringing + forward every possible proof of skill on the part of the men he has + consulted. These considerations, and a certain love of mysterious or + unusual means, I have commonly found sufficient to secure an ample share + of gullible individuals. I may add, too, that those who would be shrewd + enough to understand and expose us are wise enough to keep away + altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, easy enough to manage, but + now and then we hit upon some utterly exceptional patient who was both + foolish enough to consult us and sharp enough to know he had been + swindled. When such a fellow made a fuss, it was occasionally necessary to + return his money if it was found impossible to bully him into silence. In + one or two instances, where I had promised a cure upon prepayment of two + or three hundred dollars, I was either sued or threatened with suit, and + had to refund a part or the whole of the amount; but most people preferred + to hold their tongues rather than expose to the world the extent of their + own folly. + </p> + <p> + In one most disastrous case I suffered personally to a degree which I + never can recall without a distinct sense of annoyance, both at my own + want of care and at the disgusting consequences which it brought upon me. + </p> + <p> + Early one morning an old gentleman called, in a state of the utmost + agitation, and explained that he desired to consult the spirits as to a + heavy loss which he had experienced the night before. He had left, he + said, a sum of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going to bed. In the + morning he had changed his clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove the + notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, he discovered that the garment + still lay upon the chair where he had thrown it, but that the money was + missing. I at once desired him to be seated, and proceeded to ask him + certain questions, in a chatty way, about the habits of his household, the + amount lost, and the like, expecting thus to get some clue which would + enable me to make my spirits display the requisite share of sagacity in + pointing out the thief. I learned readily that he was an old and wealthy + man, a little close, too, I suspected, and that he lived in a large house + with but two servants, and an only son about twenty-one years old. The + servants were both women who had lived in the household many years, and + were probably innocent. Unluckily, remembering my own youthful career, I + presently reached the conclusion that the young man had been the + delinquent. When I ventured to inquire a little as to his habits, the old + gentleman cut me very short, remarking that he came to ask questions, and + not to be questioned, and that he desired at once to consult the spirits. + Upon this I sat down at a table, and, after a brief silence, demanded in a + solemn voice if there were any spirits present. By industriously cracking + my big toe-joint I was enabled to represent at once the presence of a + numerous assembly of these worthies. Then I inquired if any one of them + had been present when the robbery was effected. A prompt double knock + replied in the affirmative. I may say here, by the way, that the unanimity + of the spirits as to their use of two knocks for “yes” and one for “no” is + a very remarkable point, and shows, if it shows anything, how perfect and + universal must be the social intercourse of the respected departed. It is + worthy of note, also, that if the spirit—I will not say the medium—perceives + after one knock that it were wiser to say yes, he can conveniently add the + second tap. Some such arrangement in real life would, it appears to me, be + highly desirable. + </p> + <p> + It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, the French detective. I had + just read a translation of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a very + available spirit to call upon. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I explained that the spirit who answered had been a witness of + the theft, the old man became strangely agitated. “Who was it?” said he. + At once the spirit indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we went over + the letters,—always a slow method, but useful when you want to + observe excitable people,—my visitor kept saying, “Quicker—go + quicker.” At length the spirit spelled out the words, “I know not his + name.” + </p> + <p> + “Was it,” said the gentleman—“was it a—was it one of my + household?” + </p> + <p> + I knocked “yes” without hesitation; who else, indeed, could it have been? + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me,” he went on, “if I ask you for a little whisky.” + </p> + <p> + This I gave him. He continued: “Was it Susan or Ellen?” + </p> + <p> + “No, no!” + </p> + <p> + “Was it—” He paused. “If I ask a question mentally, will the spirits + reply?” I knew what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was his son, but did + not wish to speak openly. + </p> + <p> + “Ask,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I have,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to commit myself definitely, yet here + I fancied, from the facts of the case and his own terrible anxiety, that + he suspected, or more than suspected, his son as the guilty person. I + became sure of this as I studied his face. At all events, it would be easy + to deny or explain in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander was + there in two knocks? I struck twice as usual. + </p> + <p> + Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very white, but quite firm. “There,” + he said, and cast a bank-note on the table, “I thank you,” and bending his + head on his breast, walked, as I thought, with great effort out of the + room. + </p> + <p> + On the following morning, as I made my first appearance in my outer room, + which contained at least a dozen persons awaiting advice, who should I see + standing by the window but the old gentleman with sandy-gray hair? Along + with him was a stout young man with a head as red as mine, and mustache + and whiskers to match. Probably the son, I thought—ardent + temperament, remorse, come to confess, etc. I was never more mistaken in + my life. I was about to go regularly through my patients when the old + gentleman began to speak. + </p> + <p> + “I called, doctor,” said he, “to explain the little matter about which I—about + which I—” + </p> + <p> + “Troubled your spirits yesterday,” added the youth, jocosely, pulling his + mustache. + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon,” I returned; “had we not better talk this over in private? + Come into my office,” I added, touching the younger man on the arm. + </p> + <p> + Would you believe it? he took out his handkerchief and dusted the place I + had touched. “Better not,” said he. “Go on, father; let us get done with + this den.” + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said the elder person, addressing the patients, “I called + here yesterday, like a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum of money + which I believed I left in my room on going out in the morning. This + doctor here and his spirits contrived to make me suspect my only son. + Well, I charged him at once with the crime as soon as I got back home, and + what do you think he did? He said, ‘Father, let us go up-stairs and look + for it,’ and—” + </p> + <p> + Here the young man broke in with: “Come, father; don’t worry yourself for + nothing”; and then turning, added: “To cut the thing short, he found the + notes under his candle-stick, where he left them on going to bed. This is + all of it. We came here to stop this fellow” (by which he meant me) “from + carrying a slander further. I advise you, good people, to profit by the + matter, and to look up a more honest doctor, if doctoring be what you + want.” + </p> + <p> + As soon as he had ended, I remarked solemnly: “The words of the spirits + are not my words. Who shall hold them accountable?” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense,” said the young man. “Come, father”; and they left the room. + </p> + <p> + Now was the time to retrieve my character. “Gentlemen,” said I, “you have + heard this very singular account. Trusting the spirits utterly and + entirely as I do, it occurs to me that there is no reason why they may + not, after all, have been right in their suspicions of this young person. + Who can say that, overcome by remorse, he may not have seized the time of + his father’s absence to replace the money?” + </p> + <p> + To my amazement, up gets a little old man from the corner. “Well, you are + a low cuss!” said he, and taking up a basket beside him, hobbled hastily + out of the room. You may be sure I said some pretty sharp things to him, + for I was out of humor to begin with, and it is one thing to be insulted + by a stout young man, and quite another to be abused by a wretched old + cripple. However, he went away, and I supposed, for my part, that I was + done with the whole business. + </p> + <p> + An hour later, however, I heard a rough knock at my door, and opening it + hastily, saw my red-headed young man with the cripple. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” said the former, taking me by the collar, and pulling me into the + room among my patients, “I want to know, my man, if this doctor said that + it was likely I was the thief after all?” + </p> + <p> + “That’s what he said,” replied the cripple; “just about that, sir.” + </p> + <p> + I do not desire to dwell on the after conduct of this hot-headed young + man. It was the more disgraceful as I offered but little resistance, and + endured a beating such as I would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. + Nor was this all. He warned me that if I dared to remain in the city after + a week he would shoot me. In the East I should have thought but little of + such a threat, but here it was only too likely to be practically carried + out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of character, but with much grief + and reluctance, I collected my whole fortune, which now amounted to at + least seven thousand dollars, and turned my back upon this ungrateful + town. I am sorry to say that I also left behind me the last of my good + luck. + </p> + <p> + I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached Boston. The country anywhere + would have been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural pursuits. It + seemed an agreeable city, and I decided to remain. + </p> + <p> + I took good rooms at Parker’s, and concluding to enjoy life, amused myself + in the company of certain, I may say uncertain, young women who danced at + some of the theaters. I played billiards, drank rather too much, drove + fast horses, and at the end of a delightful year was shocked to find + myself in debt, and with only seven dollars and fifty-three cents left—I + like to be accurate. I had only one resource: I determined to visit my + deaf aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could do in the role of the + prodigal nephew. At all events, I should gain time to think of what new + enterprise I could take up; but, above all, I needed a little capital and + a house over my head. I had pawned nearly everything of any value which I + possessed. + </p> + <p> + I left my debts to gather interest, and went away to Woodbury. It was the + day before Christmas when I reached the little Jersey town, and it was + also by good luck Sunday. I was hungry and quite penniless. I wandered + about until church had begun, because I was sure then to find Aunt Rachel + and Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to explore a little. The + house was closed, and even the one servant absent. I got in with ease at + the back through the kitchen, and having at least an hour and a half free + from interruption, I made a leisurely search. The role of prodigal was + well enough, but here was a better chance and an indulgent opportunity. + </p> + <p> + In a few moments I found the famous Bible hid away under Aunt Rachel’s + mattress. The Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended to be moderate + enough to escape suspicion. Here were quite two thousand dollars. I + resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, so as to keep a good + balance. Then, alas! I lit on a long envelop, my aunt’s will. Every cent + was left to Christ Church; not a dime to poor Pen or to me. I was in a + rage. I tore up the will and replaced the envelop. To treat poor Pen that + way—Pen of all people! There was a heap more will than testament, + for all it was in the Bible. After that I thought it was right to punish + the old witch, and so I took every note I could find. When I was through + with this business, I put back the Bible under the mattress, and observing + that I had been quite too long, I went downstairs with a keen desire to + leave the town as early as possible. I was tempted, however, to look + further, and was rewarded by finding in an old clock case a small reticule + stuffed with bank-notes. This I appropriated, and made haste to go out. I + was too late. As I went into the little entry to get my hat and coat, Aunt + Rachel entered, followed by Peninnah. + </p> + <p> + At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was a monster and fit for the + penitentiary. As she could not hear at all, she had the talk to herself, + and went by me and up-stairs, rumbling abuse like distant thunder + overhead. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The pretty fool was seated on a chair, + all dressed up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward and forward, + crying, “Oh, oh, ah!” like a lamb saying, “Baa, baa, baa!” She never had + much sense. I had to shake her to get a reasonable word. She mopped her + eyes, and I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last decided that I was + the person who had thinned her hoards. This was bad, but involved less + inconvenience than it might have done an hour earlier. Amid tears Pen told + me that a detective had been at the house inquiring for me. When this + happened it seems that the poor little goose had tried to fool deaf Aunt + Rachel with some made-up story as to the man having come about taxes. I + suppose the girl was not any too sharp, and the old woman, I guess, read + enough from merely seeing the man’s lips. You never could keep anything + from her, and she was both curious and suspicious. She assured the officer + that I was a thief, and hoped I might be caught. I could not learn whether + the man told Pen any particulars, but as I was slowly getting at the facts + we heard a loud scream and a heavy fall. + </p> + <p> + Pen said, “Oh, oh!” and we hurried upstairs. There was the old woman on + the floor, her face twitching to right, and her breathing a sort of hoarse + croak. The big Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what had happened. + It was a fit of apoplexy. + </p> + <p> + At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed to recover her wits, and said: + “Go away, go away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know you have stolen her + money and killed her, and—and I loved you, I was so proud of you! + Oh, oh!” + </p> + <p> + This was all very fine, but the advice was good. I said: “Yes, I had + better go. Run and get some one—a doctor. It is a fit of hysterics; + there is no danger. I will write to you. You are quite mistaken.” + </p> + <p> + This was too feeble even for Pen, and she cried: + </p> + <p> + “No, never; I never want to see you again. You would kill me next.” + </p> + <p> + “Stuff!” said I, and ran down-stairs. I seized my coat and hat, and went + to the tavern, where I got a man to drive me to Camden. I have never seen + Pen since. As I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that I should have + asked when the detective had been after me. I suspected from Pen’s terror + that it had been recently. + </p> + <p> + It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, the day before Christmas. The + ground was covered with snow, and as I walked up Market street my feet + were soon soaked. In my haste I had left my overshoes. I was very cold, + and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I kept thinking of what a + conspicuous thing a fire-red head is, and of how many people knew me. As I + reached Woodbury early and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all day. I + relied on Pen. + </p> + <p> + Now I concluded to go down into my old neighborhood and get a lodging + where no references were asked. Next day I would secure a disguise and get + out of the way. I had passed the day without food, as I have just said, + and having ample means, concluded to go somewhere and get a good dinner. + It was now close to three in the afternoon. I was aware of two things: + that I was making many plans, and giving them up as soon as made; and that + I was suddenly afraid without cause, afraid to enter an eating-house, and + in fear of every man I met. + </p> + <p> + I went on, feeling more and more chilly. When a man is really cold his + mind does not work well, and now it was blowing a keen gale from the + north. At Second and South I came plump on a policeman I knew. He looked + at me through the drifting snow, as if he was uncertain, and twice looked + back after having passed me. I turned west at Christian street. When I + looked behind me the man was standing at the corner, staring after me. At + the next turn I hurried away northward in a sort of anguish of terror. I + have said I was an uncommon person. I am. I am sensitive, too. My mind is + much above the average, but unless I am warm and well fed it does not act + well, and I make mistakes. At that time I was half frozen, in need of + food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool squirming on the floor got + on to my nerves. I went on and on, and at last into Second street, until I + came to Christ Church, of all places for me. I heard the sound of the + organ in the afternoon service. I felt I must go in and get warm. Here was + another silly notion: I was afraid of hotels, but not of the church. I + reasoned vaguely that it was a dark day, and darker in the church, and so + I went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat near the north door. No one + noticed me. I sat still in a high-backed pew, well hid, and wondering what + was the matter with me. It was curious that a doctor, and a man of my + intelligence, should have been long in guessing a thing so simple. + </p> + <p> + For two months I had been drinking hard, and for two days had quit, being + a man capable of great self-control, and also being short of money. Just + before the benediction I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at me. In + deadly fear I got up and quickly slipped through a door into the tower + room. I said to myself, “He will follow me or wait outside.” I stood a + moment with my head all of a whirl, and then in a shiver of fear ran up + the stairs to the tower until I got into the bell-ringer’s room. I was + safe. I sat down on a stool, twitching and tremulous. There were the old + books on bell-ringing, and the miniature chime of small bells for + instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and it swung the eight ropes + about in a way I did not like. I remember saying, “Oh, don’t do that.” At + last I had a mad desire to ring one of the bells. As a loop of rope swung + toward me it seemed to hold a face, and this face cried out, “Come and + hang yourself; then the bell will ring.” + </p> + <p> + If I slept I do not know. I may have done so. Certainly I must have stayed + there many hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on my guard, for when + far into the night I heard noises below, I ran up the steeper steps which + ascend to the steeple, where are the bells. Half-way up I sat down on the + stair. The place was cold and the darkness deep. Then I heard the eight + ringers down below. One said: “Never knowed a Christmas like this since + Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, boys!” I knew it must be close on to midnight. + Now they would play a Christmas carol. I used every Christmas to be roused + up and carried here and set on dad’s shoulder. When they were done + ringing, Number Two always gave me a box of sugar-plums and a large red + apple. As they rang off, my father would cry out, “One, two,” and so on, + and then cry, “Elias, all over town people are opening windows to listen.” + I seemed to hear him as I sat in the gloom. Then I heard, “All ready; one, + two,” and they rang the Christmas carol. Overhead I heard the great bells + ringing out: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. +</pre> + <p> + I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum the air. Great heavens! There + was the old woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going twitch, twitch, the + croak of her breathing keeping a sort of mad time with “On Christmas day, + on Christmas day.” I jumped up. She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort of way + what was the matter with me, but I had still the sense to sit down and + wait. I said now it would be snakes, for once before I had been almost as + bad. But what I did see was a little curly-headed boy in a white frock and + pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg first; so queer of me to have + noticed that. I knew I was that boy. He was an innocent-looking little + chap, and was smiling. He seemed to me to grow and grow, and at last was a + big, red-headed man with a live rat in his hand. I saw nothing more, but I + surely knew I needed whisky. I waited until all was still, and got down + and out, for I knew every window. I soon found a tavern, and got a drink + and some food. At once my fear left me. I was warm at last and clear of + head, and had again my natural courage. I was well aware that I was on the + edge of delirium tremens and must be most prudent. I paid in advance for + my room and treated myself as I had done many another. Only a man of + unusual force could have managed his own case as I did. I went out only at + night, and in a week was well enough to travel. During this time I saw now + and then that grinning little fellow. Sometimes he had an apple and was + eating it. I do not know why he was worse to me than snakes, or the + twitchy old woman with her wide eyes of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to + right. + </p> + <p> + I decided to go back to Boston. I got to New York prudently in a + roundabout way, and in two weeks’ time was traveling east from Albany. + </p> + <p> + I felt well, and my spirits began at last to rise to their usual level. + When I arrived in Boston I set myself to thinking how best I could + contrive to enjoy life and at the same time to increase my means. I + possessed sufficient capital, and was able and ready to embark in whatever + promised the best returns with the smallest personal risks. I settled + myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing claims, and began to reflect + with my ordinary sagacity. + </p> + <p> + We were now in the midst of a most absurd war with the South, and it was + becoming difficult to escape the net of conscription. It might be wise to + think of this in time. Europe seemed a desirable residence, but I needed + more money to make this agreeable, and an investment for my brains was + what I wanted most. Many schemes presented themselves as worthy the + application of industry and talent, but none of them altogether suited my + case. I thought at times of traveling as a physiological lecturer, + combining with it the business of a practitioner: scare the audience at + night with an enumeration of symptoms which belong to ten out of every + dozen healthy people, and then doctor such of them as are gulls enough to + consult me next day. The bigger the fright the better the pay. I was a + little timid, however, about facing large audiences, as a man will be + naturally if he has lived a life of adventure, so that upon due + consideration I gave up the idea altogether. + </p> + <p> + The patent medicine business also looked well enough, but it is somewhat + overdone at all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with the probable + result of ill success. Indeed, I believe one hundred quack remedies fail + for one that succeeds, and millions must have been wasted in placards, + bills, and advertisements, which never returned half their value to the + speculator. I think I shall some day beguile my time with writing an + account of the principal quack remedies which have met with success. They + are few in number, after all, as any one must know who recalls the + countless pills and tonics which are puffed awhile on the fences, and + disappear, to be heard of no more. + </p> + <p> + Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake a private insane asylum, which + appeared to me to offer facilities for money-making, as to which, however, + I may have been deceived by the writings of certain popular novelists. I + went so far, I may say, as actually to visit Concord for the purpose of + finding a pleasant locality and a suitable atmosphere. Upon reflection I + abandoned my plans, as involving too much personal labor to suit one of my + easy frame of mind. + </p> + <p> + Tired at last of idleness and lounging on the Common, I engaged in two or + three little ventures of a semi-professional character, such as an + exhibition of laughing-gas, advertising to cure cancer,—“Send + twenty-five stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an infallible receipt,”—etc. + I did not find, however, that these little enterprises prospered well in + New England, and I had recalled very forcibly a story which my father was + fond of relating to me in my boyhood. It was about how certain very + knowing flies went to get molasses, and how it ended by the molasses + getting them. This, indeed, was precisely what happened to me in all my + efforts to better myself in the Northern States, until at length my + misfortunes climaxed in total and unexpected ruin. + </p> + <p> + Having been very economical, I had now about twenty-seven hundred dollars. + It was none too much. At this time I made the acquaintance of a + sea-captain from Maine. He told me that he and two others had chartered a + smart little steamer to run to Jamaica with a variety cargo. In fact, he + meant to run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he was to carry quinine, + chloroform, and other medical requirements for the Confederates. He needed + twenty-five hundred dollars more, and a doctor to buy the kind of things + which army surgeons require. Of course I was prudent and he careful, but + at last, on his proving to me that there was no risk, I agreed to expend + his money, his friends’, and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars. I + saw the other men, one of them a rebel captain. I was well pleased with + the venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to go with them on the + steamer. It was a promising investment, and I am free to reflect that in + this, as in some other things, I have been free from vulgar prejudices. I + bought all that we needed, and was well satisfied when it was cleverly + stowed away in the hold. + </p> + <p> + We were to sail on a certain Thursday morning in September, 1863. I sent + my trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening before we were to start + to go on board, but found that the little steamer had been hauled out from + the pier. The captain, who met me at this time, endeavored to get a boat + to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was blowing, and he advised me to wait + until morning. My associates were already on board. Early next day I + dressed and went to the captain’s room, which proved to be empty. I was + instantly filled with doubt, and ran frantically to the Long Wharf, where, + to my horror, I could see no signs of the vessel or captain. Neither have + I ever set eyes on them from that time to this. I thought of lodging + information with the police as to the unpatriotic design of the rascal who + swindled me, but on the whole concluded that it was best to hold my + tongue. + </p> + <p> + It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt milk as to be little worth + lamenting, and I therefore set to work, with my accustomed energy, to + utilize on my own behalf the resources of my medical education, which so + often before had saved me from want. The war, then raging at its height, + appeared to offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. The path which + I chose was apparently a humble one, but it enabled me to make very + practical use of my professional knowledge, and afforded for a time rapid + and secure returns, without any other investment than a little knowledge + cautiously employed. In the first place, I deposited my small remnant of + property in a safe bank. Then I went to Providence, where, as I had heard, + patriotic persons were giving very large bounties in order, I suppose, to + insure the government the services of better men than themselves. On my + arrival I lost no time in offering myself as a substitute, and was readily + accepted, and very soon mustered into the Twentieth Rhode Island. Three + months were passed in camp, during which period I received bounty to the + extent of six hundred and fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly deserted + about two hours before the regiment left for the field. With the product + of my industry I returned to Boston, and deposited all but enough to carry + me to New York, where within a month I enlisted twice, earning on each + occasion four hundred dollars. + </p> + <p> + After this I thought it wise to try the same game in some of the smaller + towns near to Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace with a good deal of + doubt; but I selected a regiment in camp at Norristown, which is eighteen + miles away. Here I got nearly seven hundred dollars by entering the + service as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, I presume, was mightier + than his sword. I was, however, disagreeably surprised by being hastily + forwarded to the front under a foxy young lieutenant, who brutally shot + down a poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for attempting to desert. At + this point I began to make use of my medical skill, for I did not in the + least degree fancy being shot, either because of deserting or of not + deserting. It happened, therefore, that a day or two later, while in + Washington, I was seized in the street with a fit, which perfectly imposed + upon the officer in charge, and caused him to leave me at the Douglas + Hospital. Here I found it necessary to perform fits about twice a week, + and as there were several real epileptics in the ward, I had a capital + chance of studying their symptoms, which, finally, I learned to imitate + with the utmost cleverness. + </p> + <p> + I soon got to know three or four men who, like myself, were personally + averse to bullets, and who were simulating other forms of disease with + more or less success. One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back, + and walked about like an old man; another, who had been to the front, was + palsied in the right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on the leg, rubbing + in a little antimonial ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold + him at five dollars a box. + </p> + <p> + A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief. The new surgeon + was a quiet, gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes and clearly cut + features, and a way of looking at you without saying much. I felt so safe + myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of enjoyment + which one clever man takes in seeing another at work. + </p> + <p> + The first inspection settled two of us. + </p> + <p> + “Another back case,” said the assistant surgeon to his senior. + </p> + <p> + “Back hurt you?” says the latter, mildly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain’t never been able to stand straight + since.” + </p> + <p> + “A howitzer!” says the surgeon. “Lean forward, my man, so as to touch the + floor—so. That will do.” Then turning to his aid, he said, “Prepare + this man’s discharge papers.” + </p> + <p> + “His discharge, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; I said that. Who’s next?” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, sir,” groaned the man with the back. “How soon, sir, do you + think it will be?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, not less than a month,” replied the surgeon, and passed on. + </p> + <p> + Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C, and as the patient + presumed that his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed himself a + little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice + blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and one fine morning Smithson was + appalled at finding himself in a detachment bound for the field, and + bearing on his descriptive list an ill-natured indorsement about his + malady. + </p> + <p> + The surgeon came next on O’Callahan, standing, like each of us, at the + foot of his own bed. + </p> + <p> + “I’ve paralytics in my arm,” he said, with intention to explain his + failure to salute his superior. + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” said the surgeon; “you have another hand.” + </p> + <p> + “An’ it’s not the rigulation to saloot with yer left,” said the Irishman, + with a grin, while the patients around us began to smile. + </p> + <p> + “How did it happen?” said the surgeon. + </p> + <p> + “I was shot in the shoulder,” answered the patient, “about three months + ago, sir. I haven’t stirred it since.” + </p> + <p> + The surgeon looked at the scar. + </p> + <p> + “So recently?” said he. “The scar looks older; and, by the way, doctor,”—to + his junior,—“it could not have gone near the nerves. Bring the + battery, orderly.” + </p> + <p> + In a few moments the surgeon was testing one after another, the various + muscles. At last he stopped. “Send this man away with the next detachment. + Not a word, my man. You are a rascal, and a disgrace to honest men who + have been among bullets.” + </p> + <p> + The man muttered something, I did not hear what. + </p> + <p> + “Put this man in the guard-house,” cried the surgeon, and so passed on + without smile or frown. + </p> + <p> + As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he was put in bed, and his leg + locked up in a wooden splint, which effectually prevented him from + touching the part diseased. It healed in ten days, and he too went as food + for powder. + </p> + <p> + The surgeon asked me a few questions, and requesting to be sent for during + my next fit, left me alone. + </p> + <p> + I was, of course, on my guard, and took care to have my attacks only + during his absence, or to have them over before he arrived. At length, one + morning, in spite of my care, he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on + the floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in strong convulsions. + Presently I felt a finger on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the + surgeon standing beside me. To escape his scrutiny I became more violent + in my motions. He stopped a moment and looked at me steadily. “Poor + fellow!” said he, to my great relief, as I felt at once that I had + successfully deceived him. Then he turned to the ward doctor and remarked: + “Take care he does not hurt his head against the bed; and, by the by, + doctor, do you remember the test we applied in Carstairs’s case? Just + tickle the soles of his feet and see if it will cause those backward + spasms of the head.” + </p> + <p> + The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, I jerked my head backward as hard + as I could. + </p> + <p> + “That will answer,” said the surgeon, to my horror. “A clever rogue. Send + him to the guard-house.” + </p> + <p> + Happy had I been had my ill luck ended here, but as I crossed the yard an + officer stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain of my old Rhode + Island company. + </p> + <p> + “Hello!” said he; “keep that fellow safe. I know him.” + </p> + <p> + To cut short a long story, I was tried, convicted, and forced to refund + the Rhode Island bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank-book among my + papers. I was finally sent to Fort Delaware and kept at hard labor, + handling and carrying shot, policing the ground, picking up cigar-stumps, + and other light, unpleasant occupations. + </p> + <p> + When the war was over I was released. I went at once to Boston, where I + had about four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly all of this sum + before I could satisfy the accumulated cravings of a year and a half + without drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I was about to engage in a + little business as a vender of lottery policies when I first began to feel + a strange sense of lassitude, which soon increased so as quite to disable + me from work of any kind. Month after month passed away, while my money + lessened, and this terrible sense of weariness went on from bad to worse. + At last one day, after nearly a year had elapsed, I perceived on my face a + large brown patch of color, in consequence of which I went in some alarm + to consult a well-known physician. He asked me a multitude of tiresome + questions, and at last wrote off a prescription, which I immediately read. + It was a preparation of arsenic. + </p> + <p> + “What do you think,” said I, “is the matter with me, doctor?” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid,” said he, “that you have a very serious trouble—what + we call Addison’s disease.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s that?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I do not think you would comprehend it,” he replied; “it is an affection + of the suprarenal capsules.” + </p> + <p> + I dimly remembered that there were such organs, and that nobody knew what + they were meant for. It seemed that doctors had found a use for them at + last. + </p> + <p> + “Is it a dangerous disease?” I said. + </p> + <p> + “I fear so,” he answered. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t you really know,” I asked, “what’s the truth about it?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” he returned gravely, “I’m sorry to tell you it is a very dangerous + malady.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense!” said I; “I don’t believe it”; for I thought it was only a + doctor’s trick, and one I had tried often enough myself. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” said he; “you are a very ill man, and a fool besides. Good + morning.” He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not therefore find it + necessary to escape payment by telling him I was a doctor. + </p> + <p> + Several weeks went by; my money was gone, my clothes were ragged, and, + like my body, nearly worn out, and now I am an inmate of a hospital. + To-day I feel weaker than when I first began to write. How it will end, I + do not know. If I die, the doctor will get this pleasant history, and if I + live, I shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little money I will set out + to look for my sister. I dreamed about her last night. What I dreamed was + not very agreeable. I thought it was night. I was walking up one of the + vilest streets near my old office, and a girl spoke to me—a + shameless, worn creature, with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, + “Brother, brother!” and then remembering what she had been, with her + round, girlish, innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what she was now, + I awoke and saw the dim light of the half-darkened ward. + </p> + <p> + I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff has amused me and, I think, + done me good. That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I must tear up all + this biography. + </p> + <p> + “Hello, nurse! The little boy—boy—” + </p> + <p> + “GOOD HEAVENS!” said the nurse, “he is dead! Dr. Alston said it would + happen this way. The screen, quick—the screen—and let the + doctor know.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + </h2> + <p> + The following notes of my own case have been declined on various pretests + by every medical journal to which I have offered them. There was, perhaps, + some reason in this, because many of the medical facts which they record + are not altogether new, and because the psychical deductions to which they + have led me are not in themselves of medical interest. I ought to add that + a great deal of what is here related is not of any scientific value + whatsoever; but as one or two people on whose judgment I rely have advised + me to print my narrative with all the personal details, rather than in the + dry shape in which, as a psychological statement, I shall publish it + elsewhere, I have yielded to their views. I suspect, however, that the + very character of my record will, in the eyes of some of my readers, tend + to lessen the value of the metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + </p> + <p> + I am the son of a physician, still in large practice, in the village of + Abington, Scofield County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his future + partner, I studied medicine in his office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended + lectures at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. My second + course should have been in the following year, but the outbreak of the + Rebellion so crippled my father’s means that I was forced to abandon my + intention. The demand for army surgeons at this time became very great; + and although not a graduate, I found no difficulty in getting the place of + assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana Volunteers. In the subsequent + Western campaigns this organization suffered so severely that before the + term of its service was over it was merged in the Twenty-first Indiana + Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, ranked by the medical officers of + the latter regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth Indiana Cavalry. + Like many physicians, I had contracted a strong taste for army life, and, + disliking cavalry service, sought and obtained the position of first + lieutenant in the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an infantry regiment + of excellent character. + </p> + <p> + On the day after I assumed command of my company, which had no captain, we + were sent to garrison a part of a line of block-houses stretching along + the Cumberland River below Nashville, then occupied by a portion of the + command of General Rosecrans. + </p> + <p> + The life we led while on this duty was tedious and at the same time + dangerous in the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the water horrible, and + we had no cavalry to forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted to levy + supplies upon the scattered farms around us, the population seemed + suddenly to double, and in the shape of guerrillas “potted” us + industriously from behind distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these + various and unpleasant influences, combined with a fair infusion of + malaria, our men rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, no proper + medical supplies had been forwarded with our small force (two companies), + and, as the fall advanced, the want of quinine and stimulants became a + serious annoyance. Moreover, our rations were running low; we had been + three weeks without a new supply; and our commanding officer, Major Henry + L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as to the safety of his men. About this + time it was supposed that a train with rations would be due from the post + twenty miles to the north of us; yet it was quite possible that it would + bring us food, but no medicines, which were what we most needed. The + command was too small to detach any part of it, and the major therefore + resolved to send an officer alone to the post above us, where the rest of + the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence they could easily forward quinine and + stimulants by the train, if it had not left, or, if it had, by a small + cavalry escort. + </p> + <p> + It so happened, to my cost, as it turned out, that I was the only officer + fit to make the journey, and I was accordingly ordered to proceed to + Blockhouse No. 3 and make the required arrangements. I started alone just + after dusk the next night, and during the darkness succeeded in getting + within three miles of my destination. At this time I found that I had lost + my way, and, although aware of the danger of my act, was forced to turn + aside and ask at a log cabin for directions. The house contained a + dried-up old woman and four white-headed, half-naked children. The woman + was either stone-deaf or pretended to be so; but, at all events, she gave + me no satisfaction, and I remounted and rode away. On coming to the end of + a lane, into which I had turned to seek the cabin, I found to my surprise + that the bars had been put up during my brief parley. They were too high + to leap, and I therefore dismounted to pull them down. As I touched the + top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the same instant felt a blow on both + arms, which fell helpless. I staggered to my horse and tried to mount; + but, as I could use neither arm, the effort was vain, and I therefore + stood still, awaiting my fate. I am only conscious that I saw about me + several graybacks, for I must have fallen fainting almost immediately. + </p> + <p> + When I awoke I was lying in the cabin near by, upon a pile of rubbish. Ten + or twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, apparently drawing lots + for my watch, boots, hat, etc. I now made an effort to find out how far I + was hurt. I discovered that I could use the left forearm and hand pretty + well, and with this hand I felt the right limb all over until I touched + the wound. The ball had passed from left to right through the left biceps, + and directly through the right arm just below the shoulder, emerging + behind. The right arm and forearm were cold and perfectly insensible. I + pinched them as well as I could, to test the amount of sensation + remaining; but the hand might as well have been that of a dead man. I + began to understand that the nerves had been wounded, and that the part + was utterly powerless. By this time my friends had pretty well divided the + spoils, and, rising together, went out. The old woman then came to me, and + said: “Reckon you’d best git up. They-’uns is a-goin’ to take you away.” + To this I only answered, “Water, water.” I had a grim sense of amusement + on finding that the old woman was not deaf, for she went out, and + presently came back with a gourdful, which I eagerly drank. An hour later + the graybacks returned, and finding that I was too weak to walk, carried + me out and laid me on the bottom of a common cart, with which they set off + on a trot. The jolting was horrible, but within an hour I began to have in + my dead right hand a strange burning, which was rather a relief to me. It + increased as the sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt as if the + hand was caught and pinched in a red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged + my guard for water to wet it with, but for some reason they desired + silence, and at every noise threatened me with a revolver. At length the + pain became absolutely unendurable, and I grew what it is the fashion to + call demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled in my torture, until, as I + suppose, my captors became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a handkerchief,—my + own, I fancy,—and a canteen of water, with which I wetted the hand, + to my unspeakable relief. + </p> + <p> + It is unnecessary to detail the events by which, finally, I found myself + in one of the rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the first time, my + wounds were properly cleansed and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, who + treated me throughout with great kindness. I told him I had been a doctor, + which, perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the unusual tenderness + with which I was managed. The left arm was now quite easy, although, as + will be seen, it never entirely healed. The right arm was worse than ever—the + humerus broken, the nerves wounded, and the hand alive only to pain. I use + this phrase because it is connected in my mind with a visit from a local + visitor,—I am not sure he was a preacher,—who used to go daily + through the wards, and talk to us or write our letters. One morning he + stopped at my bed, when this little talk occurred: + </p> + <p> + “How are you, lieutenant?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said I, “as usual. All right, but this hand, which is dead except to + pain.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said he, “such and thus will the wicked be—such will you be if + you die in your sins: you will go where only pain can be felt. For all + eternity, all of you will be just like that hand—knowing pain only.” + </p> + <p> + I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I felt a sudden and chilling horror + of possible universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When I awoke the hand + was worse, if that could be. It was red, shining, aching, burning, and, as + it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot files. When the doctor came I + begged for morphia. He said gravely: “We have none. You know you don’t + allow it to pass the lines.” It was sadly true. + </p> + <p> + I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand again, my sole relief. In about + an hour Dr. Wilson came back with two aids, and explained to me that the + bone was so crushed as to make it hopeless to save it, and that, besides, + amputation offered some chance of arresting the pain. I had thought of + this before, but the anguish I felt—I cannot say endured—was + so awful that I made no more of losing the limb than of parting with a + tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, brief preparations were made, + which I watched with a sort of eagerness such as must forever be + inexplicable to any one who has not passed six weeks of torture like that + which I had suffered. + </p> + <p> + I had but one pang before the operation. As I arranged myself on the left + side, so as to make it convenient for the operator to use the knife, I + asked: “Who is to give me the ether?” “We have none,” said the person + questioned. I set my teeth, and said no more. + </p> + <p> + I need not describe the operation. The pain felt was severe, but it was + insignificant as compared with that of any other minute of the past six + weeks. The limb was removed very near to the shoulder-joint. As the second + incision was made, I felt a strange flash of pain play through the limb, + as if it were in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was followed by + instant, unspeakable relief, and before the flaps were brought together I + was sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as I pointed to the arm which + lay on the floor: “There is the pain, and here am I. How queer!” Then I + slept—slept the sleep of the just, or, better, of the painless. From + this time forward I was free from neuralgia. At a subsequent period I saw + a number of cases similar to mine in a hospital in Philadelphia. + </p> + <p> + It is no part of my plan to detail my weary months of monotonous prison + life in the South. In the early part of April, 1863, I was exchanged, and + after the usual thirty days’ furlough returned to my regiment a captain. + </p> + <p> + On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred the battle of Chickamauga, in + which my regiment took a conspicuous part. The close of our own share in + this contest is, as it were, burned into my memory with every least + detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found ourselves in line, under cover + of a long, thin row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a gentle slope, + from which, again, rose a hill rather more abrupt, and crowned with an + earthwork. We received orders to cross this space and take the fort in + front, while a brigade on our right was to make a like movement on its + flank. + </p> + <p> + Just before we emerged into the open ground, we noticed what, I think, was + common in many fights—that the enemy had begun to bowl round shot at + us, probably from failure of shell. We passed across the valley in good + order, although the men fell rapidly all along the line. As we climbed the + hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew heavier. At this moment a + battery opened on our left, the shots crossing our heads obliquely. It is + this moment which is so printed on my recollection. I can see now, as if + through a window, the gray smoke, lit with red flashes, the long, wavering + line, the sky blue above, the trodden furrows, blotted with blue blouses. + Then it was as if the window closed, and I knew and saw no more. No other + scene in my life is thus scarred, if I may say so, into my memory. I have + a fancy that the horrible shock which suddenly fell upon me must have had + something to do with thus intensifying the momentary image then before my + eyes. + </p> + <p> + When I awakened, I was lying under a tree somewhere at the rear. The + ground was covered with wounded, and the doctors were busy at an + operating-table, improvised from two barrels and a plank. At length two of + them who were examining the wounded about me came up to where I lay. A + hospital steward raised my head and poured down some brandy and water, + while another cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors exchanged looks and + walked away. I asked the steward where I was hit. + </p> + <p> + “Both thighs,” said he; “the doctors won’t do nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “No use?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Not much,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Not much means none at all,” I answered. + </p> + <p> + When he had gone I set myself to thinking about a good many things I had + better have thought of before, but which in no way concern the history of + my case. A half-hour went by. I had no pain, and did not get weaker. At + last, I cannot explain why, I began to look about me. At first things + appeared a little hazy. I remember one thing which thrilled me a little, + even then. + </p> + <p> + A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to a doctor near me, saying, “When + you’ve a little leisure, just take a look at my side.” + </p> + <p> + “Do it now,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + The officer exposed his wound. “Ball went in here, and out there.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor looked up at him—half pity, half amazement. “If you’ve + got any message, you’d best send it by me.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you don’t say it’s serious?” was the reply. + </p> + <p> + “Serious! Why, you’re shot through the stomach. You won’t live over the + day.” + </p> + <p> + Then the man did what struck me as a very odd thing. He said, “Anybody got + a pipe?” Some one gave him a pipe. He filled it deliberately, struck a + light with a flint, and sat down against a tree near to me. Presently the + doctor came to him again, and asked him what he could do for him. + </p> + <p> + “Send me a drink of Bourbon.” + </p> + <p> + “Anything else?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + As the doctor left him, he called him back. “It’s a little rough, doc, + isn’t it?” + </p> + <p> + No more passed, and I saw this man no longer. Another set of doctors were + handling my legs, for the first time causing pain. A moment after a + steward put a towel over my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of + chloroform, which I was glad enough to breathe. In a moment the trees + began to move around from left to right, faster and faster; then a + universal grayness came before me,—and I recall nothing further + until I awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. I got hold of my own + identity in a moment or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp cramp in my + left leg. I tried to get at it to rub it with my single arm, but, finding + myself too weak, hailed an attendant. “Just rub my left calf,” said I, “if + you please.” + </p> + <p> + “Calf?” said he. “You ain’t none. It’s took off.” + </p> + <p> + “I know better,” said I. “I have pain in both legs.” + </p> + <p> + “Wall, I never!” said he. “You ain’t got nary leg.” + </p> + <p> + As I did not believe him, he threw off the covers, and, to my horror, + showed me that I had suffered amputation of both thighs, very high up. + </p> + <p> + “That will do,” said I, faintly. + </p> + <p> + A month later, to the amazement of every one, I was so well as to be moved + from the crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, where I filled one + of the ten thousand beds of that vast metropolis of hospitals. Of the + sufferings which then began I shall presently speak. It will be best just + now to detail the final misfortune which here fell upon me. Hospital No. + 2, in which I lay, was inconveniently crowded with severely wounded + officers. After my third week an epidemic of hospital gangrene broke out + in my ward. In three days it attacked twenty persons. Then an inspector + came, and we were transferred at once to the open air, and placed in + tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my remaining arm, which still + suppurated, was seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, bromine, was used + locally, but the main artery opened, was tied, bled again and again, and + at last, as a final resort, the remaining arm was amputated at the + shoulder-joint. Against all chances I recovered, to find myself a useless + torso, more like some strange larval creature than anything of human + shape. Of my anguish and horror of myself I dare not speak. I have + dictated these pages, not to shock my readers, but to possess them with + facts in regard to the relation of the mind to the body; and I hasten, + therefore, to such portions of my case as best illustrate these views. + </p> + <p> + In January, 1864, I was forwarded to Philadelphia, in order to enter what + was known as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in charge of Dr. + Hopkinson. This favor was obtained through the influence of my father’s + friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has always manifested an interest + in my case, for which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, at the time, + that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, might be able to adapt some form of arm to + my left shoulder, as on that side there remained five inches of the + arm-bone, which I could move to a moderate extent. The hope proved + illusory, as the stump was always too tender to bear any pressure. The + hospital referred to was in charge of several surgeons while I was an + inmate, and was at all times a clean and pleasant home. It was filled with + men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of each, as happened now and then. + I saw one man who had lost both legs, and one who had parted with both + arms; but none, like myself, stripped of every limb. There were collected + in this place hundreds of these cases, which gave to it, with reason + enough, the not very pleasing title of Stump Hospital. + </p> + <p> + I spent here three and a half months, before my transfer to the United + States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the Nervous System. + Every morning I was carried out in an arm-chair and placed in the library, + where some one was always ready to write or read for me, or to fill my + pipe. The doctors lent me medical books; the ladies brought me luxuries + and fed me; and, save that I was helpless to a degree which was + humiliating, I was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + </p> + <p> + I amused myself at this time by noting in my mind all that I could learn + from other limbless folk, and from myself, as to the peculiar feelings + which were noticed in regard to lost members. I found that the great mass + of men who had undergone amputations for many months felt the usual + consciousness that they still had the lost limb. It itched or pained, or + was cramped, but never felt hot or cold. If they had painful sensations + referred to it, the conviction of its existence continued unaltered for + long periods; but where no pain was felt in it, then by degrees the sense + of having that limb faded away entirely. I think we may to some extent + explain this. The knowledge we possess of any part is made up of the + numberless impressions from without which affect its sensitive surfaces, + and which are transmitted through its nerves to the spinal nerve-cells, + and through them, again, to the brain. We are thus kept endlessly informed + as to the existence of parts, because the impressions which reach the + brain are, by a law of our being, referred by us to the part from which + they come. Now, when the part is cut off, the nerve-trunks which led to it + and from it, remaining capable of being impressed by irritations, are made + to convey to the brain from the stump impressions which are, as usual, + referred by the brain to the lost parts to which these nerve-threads + belonged. In other words, the nerve is like a bell-wire. You may pull it + at any part of its course, and thus ring the bell as well as if you pulled + at the end of the wire; but, in any case, the intelligent servant will + refer the pull to the front door, and obey it accordingly. The impressions + made on the severed ends of the nerve are due often to changes in the + stump during healing, and consequently cease when it has healed, so that + finally, in a very healthy stump, no such impressions arise; the brain + ceases to correspond with the lost leg, and, as les absents ont toujours + tort, it is no longer remembered or recognized. But in some cases, such as + mine proved at last to my sorrow, the ends of the nerves undergo a curious + alteration, and get to be enlarged and altered. This change, as I have + seen in my practice of medicine, sometimes passes up the nerves toward the + centers, and occasions a more or less constant irritation of the + nerve-fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually referred by the brain + to that part of the lost limb to which the affected nerve belonged. This + pain keeps the brain ever mindful of the missing part, and, imperfectly at + least, preserves to the man a consciousness of possessing that which he + has not. + </p> + <p> + Where the pains come and go, as they do in certain cases, the subjective + sensations thus occasioned are very curious, since in such cases the man + loses and gains, and loses and regains, the consciousness of the presence + of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, “Now I feel my thumb, now I + feel my little finger.” I should also add that nearly every person who has + lost an arm above the elbow feels as though the lost member were bent at + the elbow, and at times is vividly impressed with the notion that his + fingers are strongly flexed. + </p> + <p> + Other persons present a peculiarity which I am at a loss to account for. + Where the leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as if the foot were + present, but as though the leg were shortened. Thus, if the thigh has been + taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at the knee; if the arm, a + hand seems to be at the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + </p> + <p> + Before leaving Nashville I had begun to suffer the most acute pain in my + left hand, especially the little finger; and so perfect was the idea which + was thus kept up of the real presence of these missing parts that I found + it hard at times to believe them absent. Often at night I would try with + one lost hand to grope for the other. As, however, I had no pain in the + right arm, the sense of the existence of that limb gradually disappeared, + as did that of my legs also. + </p> + <p> + Everything was done for my neuralgia which the doctors could think of; and + at length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as I have said, from the Stump + Hospital to the United States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of + the Nervous System. It was a pleasant, suburban, old-fashioned + country-seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of wooden, one-story + wards, shaded by fine trees. There were some three hundred cases of + epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus’s dance, and wounds of nerves. On one side + of me lay a poor fellow, a Dane, who had the same burning neuralgia with + which I once suffered, and which I now learned was only too common. This + man had become hysterical from pain. He carried a sponge in his pocket, + and a bottle of water in one hand, with which he constantly wetted the + burning hand. Every sound increased his torture, and he even poured water + into his boots to keep himself from feeling too sensibly the rough + friction of his soles when walking. Like him, I was greatly eased by + having small doses of morphia injected under the skin of my shoulder with + a hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + </p> + <p> + As I improved under the morphia treatment, I began to be disturbed by the + horrible variety of suffering about me. One man walked sideways; there was + one who could not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. In fact, + every one had his own abnormal peculiarity. Near me was a strange case of + palsy of the muscles called rhomboids, whose office it is to hold down the + shoulder-blades flat on the back during the motions of the arms, which, in + themselves, were strong enough. When, however, he lifted these members, + the shoulder-blades stood out from the back like wings, and got him the + sobriquet of the “Angel.” In my ward were also the cases of fits, which + very much annoyed me, as upon any great change in the weather it was + common to have a dozen convulsions in view at once. Dr. Neek, one of our + physicians, told me that on one occasion a hundred and fifty fits took + place within thirty-six hours. On my complaining of these sights, whence I + alone could not fly, I was placed in the paralytic and wound ward, which I + found much more pleasant. + </p> + <p> + A month of skilful treatment eased me entirely of my aches, and I then + began to experience certain curious feelings, upon which, having nothing + to do and nothing to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. It was a + good while before I could correctly explain to my own satisfaction the + phenomena which at this time I was called upon to observe. By the various + operations already described I had lost about four fifths of my weight. As + a consequence of this I ate much less than usual, and could scarcely have + consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept also but little; for, as sleep + is the repose of the brain, made necessary by the waste of its tissues + during thought and voluntary movement, and as this latter did not exist in + my case, I needed only that rest which was necessary to repair such + exhaustion of the nerve-centers as was induced by thinking and the + automatic movements of the viscera. + </p> + <p> + I observed at this time also that my heart, in place of beating, as it + once did, seventy-eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five times in + this interval—a fact to be easily explained by the perfect + quiescence to which I was reduced, and the consequent absence of that + healthy and constant stimulus to the muscles of the heart which exercise + occasions. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my physical health was good, which, I + confess, surprised me, for this among other reasons: It is said that a + burn of two thirds of the surface destroys life, because then all the + excretory matters which this portion of the glands of the skin evolved are + thrown upon the blood, and poison the man, just as happens in an animal + whose skin the physiologist has varnished, so as in this way to destroy + its function. Yet here was I, having lost at least a third of my skin, and + apparently none the worse for it. + </p> + <p> + Still more remarkable, however, were the psychical changes which I now + began to perceive. I found to my horror that at times I was less conscious + of myself, of my own existence, than used to be the case. This sensation + was so novel that at first it quite bewildered me. I felt like asking some + one constantly if I were really George Dedlow or not; but, well aware how + absurd I should seem after such a question, I refrained from speaking of + my case, and strove more keenly to analyze my feelings. At times the + conviction of my want of being myself was overwhelming and most painful. + It was, as well as I can describe it, a deficiency in the egoistic + sentiment of individuality. About one half of the sensitive surface of my + skin was gone, and thus much of relation to the outer world destroyed. As + a consequence, a large part of the receptive central organs must be out of + employ, and, like other idle things, degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all + the great central ganglia, which give rise to movements in the limbs, were + also eternally at rest. Thus one half of me was absent or functionally + dead. This set me to thinking how much a man might lose and yet live. If I + were unhappy enough to survive, I might part with my spleen at least, as + many a dog has done, and grown fat afterwards. The other organs with which + we breathe and circulate the blood would be essential; so also would the + liver; but at least half of the intestines might be dispensed with, and of + course all of the limbs. And as to the nervous system, the only parts + really necessary to life are a few small ganglia. Were the rest absent or + inactive, we should have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest terms, + and leading an almost vegetative existence. Would such a being, I asked + myself, possess the sense of individuality in its usual completeness, even + if his organs of sensation remained, and he were capable of consciousness? + Of course, without them, he could not have it any more than a dahlia or a + tulip. But with them—how then? I concluded that it would be at a + minimum, and that, if utter loss of relation to the outer world were + capable of destroying a man’s consciousness of himself, the destruction of + half of his sensitive surfaces might well occasion, in a less degree, a + like result, and so diminish his sense of individual existence. + </p> + <p> + I thus reached the conclusion that a man is not his brain, or any one part + of it, but all of his economy, and that to lose any part must lessen this + sense of his own existence. I found but one person who properly + appreciated this great truth. She was a New England lady, from Hartford—an + agent, I think, for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. After I had + told her my views and feelings she said: “Yes, I comprehend. The + fractional entities of vitality are embraced in the oneness of the unitary + Ego. Life,” she added, “is the garnered condensation of objective + impressions; and as the objective is the remote father of the subjective, + so must individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, suffer and fade + when the sensation lenses, by which the rays of impression are condensed, + become destroyed.” I am not quite clear that I fully understood her, but I + think she appreciated my ideas, and I felt grateful for her kindly + interest. + </p> + <p> + The strange want I have spoken of now haunted and perplexed me so + constantly that I became moody and wretched. While in this state, a man + from a neighboring ward fell one morning into conversation with the + chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some of their words arrested my + attention, and I turned my head to see and listen. The speaker, who wore a + sergeant’s chevron and carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely made + person, with a pale face, light eyes of a washed-out blue tint, and very + sparse yellow whiskers. His mouth was weak, both lips being almost alike, + so that the organ might have been turned upside down without affecting its + expression. His forehead, however, was high and thinly covered with sandy + hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, will feeble; emotional, but + not passionate; likely to be an enthusiast or a weakly bigot. + </p> + <p> + I caught enough of what passed to make me call to the sergeant when the + chaplain left him. + </p> + <p> + “Good morning,” said he. “How do you get on?” + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” I replied. “Where were you hit?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the shoulder. I have what the + doctors call paralysis of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. Neek and the + lightnin’ battery will fix it. When my time’s out I’ll go back to + Kearsarge and try on the school-teaching again. I’ve done my share.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “you’re better off than I.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he answered, “in more ways than one. I belong to the New Church. + It’s a great comfort for a plain man like me, when he’s weary and sick, to + be able to turn away from earthly things and hold converse daily with the + great and good who have left this here world. We have a circle in Coates + street. If it wa’n’t for the consoling I get there, I’d of wished myself + dead many a time. I ain’t got kith or kin on earth; but this matters + little, when one can just talk to them daily and know that they are in the + spheres above us.” + </p> + <p> + “It must be a great comfort,” I replied, “if only one could believe it.” + </p> + <p> + “Believe!” he repeated. “How can you help it? Do you suppose anything + dies?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I said. “The soul does not, I am sure; and as to matter, it merely + changes form.” + </p> + <p> + “But why, then,” said he, “should not the dead soul talk to the living? In + space, no doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in finer, more ethereal + being. You can’t suppose a naked soul moving about without a bodily + garment—no creed teaches that; and if its new clothing be of like + substance to ours, only of ethereal fineness,—a more delicate + recrystallization about the eternal spiritual nucleus,—must it not + then possess powers as much more delicate and refined as is the new + material in which it is reclad?” + </p> + <p> + “Not very clear,” I answered; “but, after all, the thing should be + susceptible of some form of proof to our present senses.” + </p> + <p> + “And so it is,” said he. “Come to-morrow with me, and you shall see and + hear for yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said I, “if the doctor will lend me the ambulance.” + </p> + <p> + It was so arranged, as the surgeon in charge was kind enough, as usual, to + oblige me with the loan of his wagon, and two orderlies to lift my useless + trunk. + </p> + <p> + On the day following I found myself, with my new comrade, in a house in + Coates street, where a “circle” was in the daily habit of meeting. So soon + as I had been comfortably deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large pine + table, the rest of those assembled seated themselves, and for some time + preserved an unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized the persons + present. Next to me, on my right, sat a flabby man, with ill-marked, baggy + features and injected eyes. He was, as I learned afterwards, an eclectic + doctor, who had tried his hand at medicine and several of its quackish + variations, finally settling down on eclecticism, which I believe + professes to be to scientific medicine what vegetarianism is to + common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next to him sat a female-authoress, I + think, of two somewhat feeble novels, and much pleasanter to look at than + her books. She was, I thought, a good deal excited at the prospect of + spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a pallid, care-worn young woman, + with very red lips, and large brown eyes of great beauty. She was, as I + learned afterwards, a magnetic patient of the doctor, and had deserted her + husband, a master mechanic, to follow this new light. The others were, + like myself, strangers brought hither by mere curiosity. One of them was a + lady in deep black, closely veiled. Beyond her, and opposite to me, sat + the sergeant, and next to him the medium, a man named Brink. He wore a + good deal of jewelry, and had large black side-whiskers—a + shrewd-visaged, large-nosed, full-lipped man, formed by nature to + appreciate the pleasant things of sensual existence. + </p> + <p> + Before I had ended my survey, he turned to the lady in black, and asked if + she wished to see any one in the spirit-world. + </p> + <p> + She said, “Yes,” rather feebly. + </p> + <p> + “Is the spirit present?” he asked. Upon which two knocks were heard in + affirmation. “Ah!” said the medium, “the name is—it is the name of a + child. It is a male child. It is—” + </p> + <p> + “Alfred!” she cried. “Great Heaven! My child! My boy!” + </p> + <p> + On this the medium arose, and became strangely convulsed. “I see,” he said—“I + see—a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes—I see above you, beyond + you—” at the same time pointing fixedly over her head. + </p> + <p> + She turned with a wild start. “Where—whereabouts?” + </p> + <p> + “A blue-eyed boy,” he continued, “over your head. He cries—he says, + ‘Mama, mama!’” + </p> + <p> + The effect of this on the woman was unpleasant. She stared about her for a + moment, and exclaiming, “I come—I am coming, Alfy!” fell in + hysterics on the floor. + </p> + <p> + Two or three persons raised her, and aided her into an adjoining room; but + the rest remained at the table, as though well accustomed to like scenes. + </p> + <p> + After this several of the strangers were called upon to write the names of + the dead with whom they wished to communicate. The names were spelled out + by the agency of affirmative knocks when the correct letters were touched + by the applicant, who was furnished with an alphabet-card upon which he + tapped the letters in turn, the medium, meanwhile, scanning his face very + keenly. With some, the names were readily made out. With one, a stolid + personage of disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at last the + spirits signified by knocks that he was a disturbing agency, and that + while he remained all our efforts would fail. Upon this some of the + company proposed that he should leave; of which invitation he took + advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole performance. + </p> + <p> + As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and whispered to the medium, who + next addressed himself to me. “Sister Euphemia,” he said, indicating the + lady with large eyes, “will act as your medium. I am unable to do more. + These things exhaust my nervous system.” + </p> + <p> + “Sister Euphemia,” said the doctor, “will aid us. Think, if you please, + sir, of a spirit, and she will endeavor to summon it to our circle.” + </p> + <p> + Upon this a wild idea came into my head. I answered: “I am thinking as you + directed me to do.” + </p> + <p> + The medium sat with her arms folded, looking steadily at the center of the + table. For a few moments there was silence. Then a series of irregular + knocks began. “Are you present?” said the medium. + </p> + <p> + The affirmative raps were twice given. + </p> + <p> + “I should think,” said the doctor, “that there were two spirits present.” + </p> + <p> + His words sent a thrill through my heart. + </p> + <p> + “Are there two?” he questioned. + </p> + <p> + A double rap. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, two,” said the medium. “Will it please the spirits to make us + conscious of their names in this world?” + </p> + <p> + A single knock. “No.” + </p> + <p> + “Will it please them to say how they are called in the world of spirits?” + </p> + <p> + Again came the irregular raps—3, 4, 8, 6; then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, + 7. + </p> + <p> + “I think,” said the authoress, “they must be numbers. Will the spirits,” + she said, “be good enough to aid us? Shall we use the alphabet?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” was rapped very quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Are these numbers?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” again. + </p> + <p> + “I will write them,” she added, and, doing so, took up the card and tapped + the letters. The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran thus as she tapped, in + turn, first the letters, and last the numbers she had already set down: + </p> + <p> + “UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, Nos. 3486, 3487.” + </p> + <p> + The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious!” said I, “they are MY LEGS—MY LEGS!” + </p> + <p> + What followed, I ask no one to believe except those who, like myself, have + communed with the things of another sphere. Suddenly I felt a strange + return of my self-consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to speak. A + strange wonder filled me, and, to the amazement of every one, I arose, + and, staggering a little, walked across the room on limbs invisible to + them or me. It was no wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly reflected, my + legs had been nine months in the strongest alcohol. At this instant all my + new friends crowded around me in astonishment. Presently, however, I felt + myself sinking slowly. My legs were going, and in a moment I was resting + feebly on my two stumps upon the floor. It was too much. All that was left + of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + </p> + <p> + I have little to add. I am now at home in the West, surrounded by every + form of kindness and every possible comfort; but alas! I have so little + surety of being myself that I doubt my own honesty in drawing my pension, + and feel absolved from gratitude to those who are kind to a being who is + uncertain of being enough himself to be conscientiously responsible. It is + needless to add that I am not a happy fraction of a man, and that I am + eager for the day when I shall rejoin the lost members of my corporeal + family in another and a happier world. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The +Case Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + +***** This file should be named 693-h.htm or 693-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/9/693/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> @@ -0,0 +1,3238 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case +Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case Of George Dedlow + +Author: S. Weir Mitchell + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #693] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +AND + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + +By S. Weir Mitchell, M.D., LL.D. Harvard And Edinburgh + + + + +CONTENTS + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +Both of the tales in this little volume appeared originally in the +"Atlantic Monthly" as anonymous contributions. I owe to the present +owners of that journal permission to use them. "The Autobiography of a +Quack" has been recast with large additions. + +"The Case of George Dedlow" was not written with any intention that it +should appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the Rev. Dr. Furness +and forgot it. This gentleman sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett +Hale. He, presuming, I fancy, that every one desired to appear in the +"Atlantic," offered it to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards +I received a proof and a check. The story was inserted as a leading +article without my name. It was at once accepted by many as the +description of a real case. Money was collected in several places to +assist the unfortunate man, and benevolent persons went to the "Stump +Hospital," in Philadelphia, to see the sufferer and to offer him aid. +The spiritual incident at the end of the story was received with joy by +the spiritualists as a valuable proof of the truth of their beliefs. + +S. WEIR MITCHELL + + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +At this present moment of time I am what the doctors call an interesting +case, and am to be found in bed No. 10, Ward 11, Massachusetts General +Hospital. I am told that I have what is called Addison's disease, and +that it is this pleasing malady which causes me to be covered with large +blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, it is a rather grim subject +to joke about, because, if I believed the doctor who comes around every +day, and thumps me, and listens to my chest with as much pleasure as +if I were music all through--I say, if I really believed him, I should +suppose I was going to die. The fact is, I don't believe him at +all. Some of these days I shall take a turn and get about again; but +meanwhile it is rather dull for a stirring, active person like me to +have to lie still and watch myself getting big brown and yellow spots +all over me, like a map that has taken to growing. + +The man on my right has consumption--smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs +all night. The man on my left is a down-easter with a liver which has +struck work; looks like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives to whittle +jackstraws all day, and eat as he does, I can't understand. I have tried +reading and tried whittling, but they don't either of them satisfy me, +so that yesterday I concluded to ask the doctor if he couldn't suggest +some other amusement. + +I waited until he had gone through the ward, and then seized my chance, +and asked him to stop a moment. + +"Well, my man," said he, "what do you want!" + +I thought him rather disrespectful, but I replied, "Something to do, +doctor." + +He thought a little, and then said: "I'll tell you what to do. I think +if you were to write out a plain account of your life it would be pretty +well worth reading. If half of what you told me last week be true, you +must be about as clever a scamp as there is to be met with. I suppose +you would just as lief put it on paper as talk it." + +"Pretty nearly," said I. "I think I will try it, doctor." + +After he left I lay awhile thinking over the matter. I knew well that I +was what the world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I had got little +good out of the fact. If a man is what people call virtuous, and fails +in life, he gets credit at least for the virtue; but when a man is +a--is--well, one of liberal views, and breaks down, somehow or other +people don't credit him with even the intelligence he has put into the +business. This I call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction the +energy and skill with which I did my work, I should be nothing but +disgusted at the melancholy spectacle of my failure. I suppose that +I shall at least find occupation in reviewing all this, and I +think, therefore, for my own satisfaction, I shall try to amuse my +convalescence by writing a plain, straightforward account of the life I +have led, and the various devices by which I have sought to get my share +of the money of my countrymen. It does appear to me that I have had no +end of bad luck. + +As no one will ever see these pages, I find it pleasant to recall for my +own satisfaction the fact that I am really a very remarkable man. I +am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five feet eleven, with a lot +of curly red hair, and blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another +unusual thing. My hands have often been noticed. I get them from my +mother, who was a Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, he was +rather common. He was a little man, red and round like an apple, but +very strong, for a reason I shall come to presently. The family must +have had a pious liking for Bible names, because he was called Zebulon, +my sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not a name for a gentleman. At +one time I thought of changing it, but I got over it by signing myself +"E. Sanderaft." + +Where my father was born I do not know, except that it was somewhere in +New Jersey, for I remember that he was once angry because a man called +him a Jersey Spaniard. I am not much concerned to write about my people, +because I soon got above their level; and as to my mother, she died when +I was an infant. I get my manners, which are rather remarkable, from +her. + +My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept house for us, was a queer character. +She had a snug little property, about seven thousand dollars. An old +aunt left her the money because she was stone-deaf. As this defect came +upon her after she grew up, she still kept her voice. This woman was the +cause of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she is uncomfortable, +wherever she is. I think with satisfaction that I helped to make her +life uneasy when I was young, and worse later on. She gave away to the +idle poor some of her small income, and hid the rest, like a magpie, +in her Bible or rolled in her stockings, or in even queerer places. +The worst of her was that she could tell what people said by looking at +their lips; this I hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, her ways +of hiding her money proved useful, to me at least. As to Peninnah, she +was nothing special until she suddenly bloomed out into a rather +stout, pretty girl, took to ribbons, and liked what she called "keeping +company." She ran errands for every one, waited on my aunt, and thought +I was a wonderful person--as indeed I was. I never could understand her +fondness for helping everybody. A fellow has got himself to think about, +and that is quite enough. I was told pretty often that I was the most +selfish boy alive. But, then, I am an unusual person, and there are +several names for things. + +My father kept a small shop for the sale of legal stationery and the +like, on Fifth street north of Chestnut. But his chief interest in life +lay in the bell-ringing of Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and +the whole business was in the hands of a kind of guild which is nearly +as old as the church. I used to hear more of it than I liked, because my +father talked of nothing else. But I do not mean to bore myself writing +of bells. I heard too much about "back shake," "raising in peal," +"scales," and "touches," and the Lord knows what. + +My earliest remembrance is of sitting on my father's shoulder when he +led off the ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by reason of this +exercise. With one foot caught in a loop of leather nailed to the floor, +he would begin to pull No. 1, and by and by the whole peal would be +swinging, and he going up and down, to my joy; I used to feel as if it +was I that was making the great noise that rang out all over the town. +My familiar acquaintance with the old church and its lumber-rooms, where +were stored the dusty arms of William and Mary and George II., proved of +use in my later days. + +My father had a strong belief in my talents, and I do not think he was +mistaken. As he was quite uneducated, he determined that I should not +be. He had saved enough to send me to Princeton College, and when I +was about fifteen I was set free from the public schools. I never liked +them. The last I was at was the high school. As I had to come +down-town to get home, we used to meet on Arch street the boys from the +grammar-school of the university, and there were fights every week. In +winter these were most frequent, because of the snow-balling. A fellow +had to take his share or be marked as a deserter. I never saw any +personal good to be had out of a fight, but it was better to fight +than to be cobbed. That means that two fellows hold you, and the other +fellows kick you with their bent knees. It hurts. + +I find just here that I am describing a thing as if I were writing for +some other people to see. I may as well go on that way. After all, a +man never can quite stand off and look at himself as if he was the only +person concerned. He must have an audience, or make believe to have one, +even if it is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I be unwilling, if +it were safe, to let people see how great ability may be defeated by the +crankiness of fortune. + +I may add here that a stone inside of a snowball discourages the fellow +it hits. But neither our fellows nor the grammar-school used stones in +snowballs. I rather liked it. If we had a row in the springtime we all +threw stones, and here was one of those bits of stupid custom no man can +understand; because really a stone outside of a snowball is much more +serious than if it is mercifully padded with snow. I felt it to be +a rise in life when I got out of the society of the common boys who +attended the high school. + +When I was there a man by the name of Dallas Bache was the head master. +He had a way of letting the boys attend to what he called the character +of the school. Once I had to lie to him about taking another boy's ball. +He told my class that I had denied the charge, and that he always took +it for granted that a boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough what +would happen. It did. After that I was careful. + +Princeton was then a little college, not expensive, which was very well, +as my father had some difficulty to provide even the moderate amount +needed. + +I soon found that if I was to associate with the upper set of young men +I needed money. For some time I waited in vain. But in my second year +I discovered a small gold-mine, on which I drew with a moderation which +shows even thus early the strength of my character. + +I used to go home once a month for a Sunday visit, and on these +occasions I was often able to remove from my aunt's big Bible a five- or +ten-dollar note, which otherwise would have been long useless. + +Now and then I utilized my opportunities at Princeton. I very much +desired certain things like well-made clothes, and for these I had to +run in debt to a tailor. When he wanted pay, and threatened to send the +bill to my father, I borrowed from two or three young Southerners; but +at last, when they became hard up, my aunt's uncounted hoard proved a +last resource, or some rare chance in a neighboring room helped me out. +I never did look on this method as of permanent usefulness, and it was +only the temporary folly of youth. + +Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, I took no large amount +of education, although I was fond of reading, and especially of novels, +which are, I think, very instructive to the young, especially the novels +of Smollett and Fielding. + +There is, however, little need to dwell on this part of my life. +College students in those days were only boys, and boys are very strange +animals. They have instincts. They somehow get to know if a fellow does +not relate facts as they took place. I like to put it that way, because, +after all, the mode of putting things is only one of the forms of +self-defense, and is less silly than the ordinary wriggling methods +which boys employ, and which are generally useless. I was rather given +to telling large stories just for the fun of it and, I think, told them +well. But somehow I got the reputation of not being strictly definite, +and when it was meant to indicate this belief they had an ill-mannered +way of informing you. This consisted in two or three fellows standing up +and shuffling noisily with their feet on the floor. When first I heard +this I asked innocently what it meant, and was told it was the noise +of the bearers' feet coming to take away Ananias. This was considered a +fine joke. + +During my junior year I became unpopular, and as I was very cautious, I +cannot see why. At last, being hard up, I got to be foolishly reckless. +But why dwell on the failures of immaturity? + +The causes which led to my leaving Nassau Hall were not, after all, +the mischievous outbreaks in which college lads indulge. Indeed, I have +never been guilty of any of those pieces of wanton wickedness which +injure the feelings of others while they lead to no useful result. +When I left to return home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon the +necessity of greater care in following out my inclinations, and from +that time forward I have steadily avoided, whenever it was possible, the +vulgar vice of directly possessing myself of objects to which I could +show no legal title. My father was indignant at the results of my +college career; and, according to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had +some effect in shortening his life. My sister believed my account of +the matter. It ended in my being used for a year as an assistant in the +shop, and in being taught to ring bells--a fine exercise, but not +proper work for a man of refinement. My father died while training his +bell-ringers in the Oxford triple bob--broke a blood-vessel somewhere. +How I could have caused that I do not see. + +I was now about nineteen years old, and, as I remember, a middle-sized, +well-built young fellow, with large eyes, a slight mustache, and, I have +been told, with very good manners and a somewhat humorous turn. Besides +these advantages, my guardian held in trust for me about two thousand +dollars. After some consultation between us, it was resolved that I +should study medicine. This conclusion was reached nine years before the +Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, for the sake of economy, +in Woodbury, New Jersey. From this time I saw very little of my deaf +aunt or of Peninnah. I was resolute to rise in the world, and not to be +weighted by relatives who were without my tastes and my manners. + +I set out for Philadelphia, with many good counsels from my aunt and +guardian. I look back upon this period as a turning-point of my life. +I had seen enough of the world already to know that if you can succeed +without exciting suspicion, it is by far the pleasantest way; and I +really believe that if I had not been endowed with so fatal a liking +for all the good things of life I might have lived along as reputably as +most men. This, however, is, and always has been, my difficulty, and +I suppose that I am not responsible for the incidents to which it gave +rise. Most men have some ties in life, but I have said I had none which +held me. Peninnah cried a good deal when we parted, and this, I think, +as I was still young, had a very good effect in strengthening my +resolution to do nothing which could get me into trouble. The janitor +of the college to which I went directed me to a boarding-house, where +I engaged a small third-story room, which I afterwards shared with Mr. +Chaucer of Georgia. He pronounced it, as I remember, "Jawjah." + +In this very remarkable abode I spent the next two winters, and finally +graduated, along with two hundred more, at the close of my two years of +study. I should previously have been one year in a physician's office as +a student, but this regulation was very easily evaded. As to my studies, +the less said the better. I attended the quizzes, as they call them, +pretty closely, and, being of a quick and retentive memory, was thus +enabled to dispense with some of the six or seven lectures a day which +duller men found it necessary to follow. + +Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty business for a gentleman, and on +this account I did just as little as was absolutely essential. In fact, +if a man took his tickets and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled +himself as to whether or not he did any more than this. A like evil +existed at the graduation: whether you squeezed through or passed with +credit was a thing which was not made public, so that I had absolutely +nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told that it is all very +different to-day. + +The astonishment with which I learned of my success was shared by the +numerous Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors and perfumed with +tobacco the rooms of our boarding-house. In my companions, during +the time of my studies so called, as in other matters of life, I was +somewhat unfortunate. All of them were Southern gentlemen, with +more money than I had. Many of them carried great sticks, usually +sword-canes, and some bowie-knives or pistols; also, they delighted in +swallow-tailed coats, long hair, broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight +boots. I often think of these gentlemen with affectionate interest, and +wonder how many are lying under the wheat-fields of Virginia. One could +see them any day sauntering along with their arms over their companions' +shoulders, splendidly indifferent to the ways of the people about them. +They hated the "Nawth" and cursed the Yankees, and honestly believed +that the leanest of them was a match for any half a dozen of the +bulkiest of Northerners. I must also do them the justice to say that +they were quite as ready to fight as to brag, which, by the way, is no +meager statement. With these gentry--for whom I retain a respect which +filled me with regret at the recent course of events--I spent a good +deal of my large leisure. The more studious of both sections called us +a hard crowd. What we did, or how we did it, little concerns me here, +except that, owing to my esteem for chivalric blood and breeding, I was +led into many practices and excesses which cost my guardian and myself +a good deal of money. At the close of my career as a student I found +myself aged twenty-one years, and the owner of some seven hundred +dollars--the rest of my small estate having disappeared variously within +the last two years. After my friends had gone to their homes in the +South I began to look about me for an office, and finally settled upon +very good rooms in one of the down-town localities of the Quaker City. +I am not specific as to the number and street, for reasons which may +hereafter appear. I liked the situation on various accounts. It had +been occupied by a doctor; the terms were reasonable; and it lay on the +skirts of a good neighborhood, while below it lived a motley population, +among which I expected to get my first patients and such fees as were to +be had. Into this new home I moved my medical text-books, a few bones, +and myself. Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, upon which was +distinctly to be read: + +DR. E. SANDERAFT. Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + + +I felt now that I had done my fair share toward attaining a virtuous +subsistence, and so I waited tranquilly, and without undue enthusiasm, +to see the rest of the world do its part in the matter. Meanwhile I +read up on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at home all through my +office hours, and at intervals explored the strange section of the town +which lay to the south of my office. I do not suppose there is anything +like it else where. It was then filled with grog-shops, brothels, +slop-shops, and low lodging-houses. You could dine for a penny on soup +made from the refuse meats of the rich, gathered at back gates by a +horde of half-naked children, who all told varieties of one woeful tale. +Here, too, you could be drunk for five cents, and be lodged for three, +with men, women, and children of all colors lying about you. It was this +hideous mixture of black and white and yellow wretchedness which made +the place so peculiar. The blacks predominated, and had mostly +that swollen, reddish, dark skin, the sign in this race of habitual +drunkenness. Of course only the lowest whites were here--rag-pickers, +pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, and the like. All of this, as it +came before me, I viewed with mingled disgust and philosophy. I hated +filth, but I understood that society has to stand on somebody, and I was +only glad that I was not one of the undermost and worst-squeezed bricks. + +I can hardly believe that I waited a month without having been called +upon by a single patient. At last a policeman on our beat brought me a +fancy man with a dog-bite. This patient recommended me to his brother, +the keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and by very slow degrees I began +to get stray patients who were too poor to indulge in up-town doctors. +I found the police very useful acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar +now and then, I got most of the cases of cut heads and the like at the +next station-house. These, however, were the aristocrats of my practice; +the bulk of my patients were soap-fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, +hose-house bummers, and worse, with other and nameless trades, men and +women, white, black, or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, and +quarters with which I was reluctantly paid, I do not know; that, indeed, +was none of my business. They expected to pay, and they came to me in +preference to the dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, who +seemed to me to spend most of his days in the lanes and alleys about us. +Of course he received no pay except experience, since the dispensaries +in the Quaker City, as a rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; +and the vilest of the poor prefer a "pay doctor" to one of these +disinterested gentlemen, who cannot be expected to give their best +brains for nothing, when at everybody's beck and call. I am told, indeed +I know, that most young doctors do a large amount of poor practice, as +it is called; but, for my own part, I think it better for both parties +when the doctor insists upon some compensation being made to him. This +has been usually my own custom, and I have not found reason to regret +it. + +Notwithstanding my strict attention to my own interests, I have been +rather sorely dealt with by fate upon several occasions, where, so far +as I could see, I was vigilantly doing everything in my power to keep +myself out of trouble or danger. I may as well relate one of them, +merely to illustrate of how little value a man's intellect may be when +fate and the prejudices of the mass of men are against him. + +One evening, late, I myself answered a ring at the bell, and found a +small black boy on the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, curled +darkness for hair, and teeth like new tombstones. It was pretty cold, +and he was relieving his feet by standing first on one and then on the +other. He did not wait for me to speak. + +"Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 +Bedford street." + +The locality did not look like pay, but it is hard to say in this +quarter, because sometimes you found a well-to-do "brandy-snifter" +(local for gin-shop) or a hard-working "leather-jeweler" (ditto for +shoemaker), with next door, in a house better or worse, dozens of human +rats for whom every police trap in the city was constantly set. + +With a doubt in my mind as to whether I should find a good patient or +some dirty nigger, I sought the place to which I had been directed. +I did not like its looks; but I blundered up an alley and into a back +room, where I fell over somebody, and was cursed and told to lie down +and keep easy, or somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would make +me. At last I lit on a staircase which led into the alley, and, after +much useless inquiry, got as high as the garret. People hereabout did +not know one another, or did not want to know, so that it was of little +avail to ask questions. At length I saw a light through the cracks in +the attic door, and walked in. To my amazement, the first person I saw +was a woman of about thirty-five, in pearl-gray Quaker dress--one of +your quiet, good-looking people. She was seated on a stool beside a +straw mattress upon which lay a black woman. There were three others +crowded close around a small stove, which was red-hot--an unusual +spectacle in this street. Altogether a most nasty den. + +As I came in, the little Quaker woman got up and said: "I took the +liberty of sending for thee to look at this poor woman. I am afraid she +has the smallpox. Will thee be so kind as to look at her?" And with this +she held down the candle toward the bed. + +"Good gracious!" I said hastily, seeing how the creature was speckled "I +didn't understand this, or I would not have come. I have important cases +which I cannot subject to the risk of contagion. Best let her alone, +miss," I added, "or send her to the smallpox hospital." + +Upon my word, I was astonished at the little woman's indignation. She +said just those things which make you feel as if somebody had been +calling you names or kicking you--Was I really a doctor? and so on. +It did not gain by being put in the ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. +However, I never did fancy smallpox, and what could a fellow get by +doctoring wretches like these? So I held my tongue and went away. About +a week afterwards I met Evans, the dispensary man, a very common fellow, +who was said to be frank. + +"Helloa!" says he. "Doctor, you made a nice mistake about that darky +at No. 709 Bedford street the other night. She had nothing but measles, +after all." + +"Of course I knew," said I, laughing; "but you don't think I was going +in for dispensary trash, do you?" + +"I should think not," said Evans. + +I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker had taken an absurd fancy +to the man because he had doctored the darky and would not let the +Quakeress pay him. The end was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the +Southwark Dispensary, where they do pay the doctors, Miss Barker was +malignant enough to take advantage of my oversight by telling the whole +story to the board; so that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + +You may be pretty sure that I found rather slow the kind of practice I +have described, and began to look about for chances of bettering myself. +In this sort of locality rather risky cases turned up now and then; +and as soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, I began to get the +peculiar sort of practice I wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I +found myself, at the close of three years, with all my means spent, and +just able to live meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no means suited +a man of my refined tastes. + +Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, and was able to secure moderate +aid by overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to these changes of +property I was careful, and did not venture to secure the large amount +I needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time hidden, and I judged +it, therefore, to be her chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly +distrusted. + +Six months went by, and I was worse off than ever--two months in arrears +of rent, and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and liquor-dealers. Now +and then some good job, such as a burglar with a cut head, helped me +for a while; but, on the whole, I was like Slider Downeyhylle in Neal's +"Charcoal Sketches," and kept going "downer and downer" the more I tried +not to. Something had to be done. + +It occurred to me, about this time, that if I moved into a more genteel +locality I might get a better class of patients, and yet keep the best +of those I now had. To do this it was necessary to pay my rent, and +the more so because I was in a fair way to have no house at all over my +head. But here fortune interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm on +Seventh Street, and ran to catch an omnibus. As I pulled open the door +I saw behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. I laughed and jumped in. +She had to run a little before the 'bus again stopped. She got pretty +wet. An old man in the corner, who seemed in the way of taking charge of +other people's manners, said to me: "Young man, you ought to be ashamed +to get in before the lady, and in this pour, too!" + +I said calmly, "But you got in before her." + +He made no reply to this obvious fact, as he might have been in the +bus a half-hour. A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a laugh, +"Rather neat, that," and, turning, tried to pull up a window-sash. In +the effort something happened, and he broke the glass, cutting his +hand in half a dozen places. While he was using several quite profane +phrases, I caught his hand and said, "I am a surgeon," and tied my +handkerchief around the bleeding palm. + +The guardian of manners said, "I hope you are not much hurt, but there +was no reason why you should swear." + +On this my patient said, "Go to ----," which silenced the monitor. + +I explained to the wounded man that the cuts should be looked after at +once. The matter was arranged by our leaving the 'bus, and, as the rain +had let up, walking to his house. This was a large and quite luxurious +dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for his wounds, which, as I had +informed him, required immediate attention. It was at this time summer, +and his wife and niece, the only other members of his family, were +absent. On my second visit I made believe to remove some splinters of +glass which I brought with me. He said they showed how shamefully thin +was that omnibus window-pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the end of +the month,--for one wound was long in healing,--presented me with one +hundred dollars. This paid my small rental, and as Mr. Poynter allowed +me to refer to him, I was able to get a better office and bedroom on +Spruce street. I saw no more of my patient until winter, although I +learned that he was a stock-broker, not in the very best repute, but of +a well-known family. + +Meanwhile my move had been of small use. I was wise enough, however, to +keep up my connection with my former clients, and contrived to live. It +was no more than that. One day in December I was overjoyed to see +Mr. Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very pale, and never, to my +remembrance, without a permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and now +at once I saw that he wanted something. + +I hated the way that man saw through me. He went on without hesitation, +taking me for granted. He began by saying he had confidence in my +judgment, and when a man says that you had better look out. He said he +had a niece who lived with him, a brother's child; that she was out of +health and ought not to marry, which was what she meant to do. She was +scared about her health, because she had a cough, and had lost a brother +of consumption. I soon came to understand that, for reasons unknown +to me, my friend did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, he also +informed me, was troubled as to the niece's health. Now, he said, he +wished to consult me as to what he should do. I suspected at once that +he had not told me all. + +I have often wondered at the skill with which I managed this rather +delicate matter. I knew I was not well enough known to be of direct +use, and was also too young to have much weight. I advised him to get +Professor C. + +Then my friend shook his head. He said in reply, "But suppose, doctor, +he says there is nothing wrong with the girl?" + +Then I began to understand him. + +"Oh," I said, "you get a confidential written opinion from him. You can +make it what you please when you tell her." + +He said no. It would be best for me to ask the professor to see Miss +Poynter; might mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I was to get +his opinion in writing. + +"Well?" said I. + +"After that I want you to write me a joint opinion to meet the case--all +the needs of the case, you see." + +I saw, but hesitated as to how much would make it worth while to pull +his hot chestnuts out of the fire--one never knows how hot the chestnuts +are. + +Then he said, "Ever take a chance in stocks?" + +I said, "No." + +He said that he would lend me a little money and see what he could do +with it. And here was his receipt from me for one thousand dollars, and +here, too, was my order to buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to Sign +it? I did. + +I was to call in two days at his house, and meantime I could think it +over. It seemed to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the young woman--well, +supposing is awfully destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I had +only to misunderstand the professor's opinion. I went to the house, and +talked to Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter came in, and +began to lament her niece's declining health. After that I saw Miss +Poynter. There is a kind of innocent-looking woman who knows no more of +the world than a young chicken, and is choke-full of emotions. I saw it +would be easy to frighten her. There are some instruments anybody can +get any tune they like out of. I was very grave, and advised her to see +the professor. And would I write to ask him, said Mr. Poynter. I said I +would. + +As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: "You will clear some four hundred +easy. Write to the professor. Bring my receipt to the office next week, +and we will settle." + +We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave him one for fifteen hundred +dollars, and received in notes five hundred dollars. + +In a day or so I had a note from the professor stating that Miss Poynter +was in no peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, and had only a +mild bronchial trouble. He advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured +to reassure my young patient. Now, this was a little more than I +wanted. However, I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought she had +bronchitis, that in her case tubercle would be very apt to follow, +and that at present, and until she was safe, we considered marriage +undesirable. + +Mr. Poynter said it might have been put stronger, but he would make it +do. He made it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. The final +result was that she eloped with her lover, because if she was to die, +as she wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her husband's arms. Human +nature plus hysteria will defy all knowledge of character. This was what +our old professor of practice used to say. + +Mr. Poynter had now to account for a large trust estate which had +somehow dwindled. Unhappily, princes are not the only people in whom you +must not put your trust. As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to know +the facts, and cut me dead. It was unpleasant, but I had my five hundred +dollars, and--I needed them. I do not see how I could have been more +careful. + +After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter broke, and did not even pay +my last bill. I had to accept several rather doubtful cases, and once a +policeman I knew advised me that I had better be on my guard. + +But, really, so long as I adhered to the common code of my profession I +was in danger of going without my dinner. + +Just as I was at my worst and in despair something always turned up, but +it was sure to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see me, and Peninnah +wrote me goody-goody letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable to +find certain bank-notes she had hidden, and vowed I had taken them. This +Peninnah did not think possible. I agreed with her. The notes were +found somewhat later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my aunt's old +slippers. Of course I wrote an indignant letter. My aunt declared that +Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored them when they were missed. +Poor Peninnah! This did not seem to me very likely, but Peninnah did +love fine clothes. + +One night, as I was debating with myself as to how I was to improve my +position, I heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to the door, let in +a broad-shouldered man with a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He +wore a heavy black beard and mustache, and looked like the wolf in the +pictures of Red Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + +"Your name's Sanderaft?" said the man. + +"Yes; that's my name--Dr. Sanderaft." + +As he sat down he shook the snow over everything, and said coolly: "Set +down, doc; I want to talk with you." + +"What can I do for you?" said I. + +The man looked around the room rather scornfully, at the same time +throwing back his coat and displaying a red neckerchief and a huge +garnet pin. "Guess you're not overly rich," he said. + +"Not especially," said I. "What's that your business?" + +He did not answer, but merely said, "Know Simon Stagers?" + +"Can't say I do," said I, cautiously. Simon was a burglar who had blown +off two fingers when mining a safe. I had attended him while he was +hiding. + +"Can't say you do. Well, you can lie, and no mistake. Come, now, doc. +Simon says you're safe, and I want to have a leetle plain talk with +you." + +With this he laid ten gold eagles on the table. I put out my hand +instinctively. + +"Let 'em alone," cried the man, sharply. "They're easy earned, and ten +more like 'em." + +"For doing what?" I said. + +The man paused a moment, and looked around him; next he stared at me, +and loosened his cravat with a hasty pull. "You're the coroner," said +he. + +"I! What do you mean?" + +"Yes, you're the coroner; don't you understand?" and so saying, he +shoved the gold pieces toward me. + +"Very good," said I; "we will suppose I'm the coroner. What next?" + +"And being the coroner," said he, "you get this note, which requests you +to call at No. 9 Blank street to examine the body of a young man which +is supposed--only supposed, you see--to have--well, to have died under +suspicious circumstances." + +"Go on," said I. + +"No," he returned; "not till I know how you like it. Stagers and another +knows it; and it wouldn't be very safe for you to split, besides not +making nothing out of it. But what I say is this, Do you like the +business of coroner?" + +I did not like it; but just then two hundred in gold was life to me, so +I said: "Let me hear the whole of it first. I am safe." + +"That's square enough," said the man. "My wife's got"--correcting +himself with a shivery shrug--"my wife had a brother that took to +cutting up rough because when I'd been up too late I handled her a +leetle hard now and again. + +"Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just then--you see, he lived with +us. When he got better I guessed he'd drop all that; but somehow he was +worse than ever--clean off his head, and strong as an ox. My wife said +to put him away in an asylum. I didn't think that would do. At last he +tried to get out. He was going to see the police about--well--the +thing was awful serious, and my wife carrying on like mad, and wanting +doctors. I had no mind to run, and something had got to be done. So +Simon Stagers and I talked it over. The end of it was, he took worse of +a sudden, and got so he didn't know nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. +He said it was a perforation, and there ought to have been a doctor when +he was first took sick. + +"Well, the man died, and as I kept about the house, my wife had +no chance to talk. The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a +certificate. I thought we were done with it. But my wife she writes +a note and gives it to a boy in the alley to put in the post. We +suspicioned her, and Stagers was on the watch. After the boy got away a +bit, Simon bribed him with a quarter to give him the note, which wasn't +no less than a request to the coroner to come to the house to-morrow and +make an examination, as foul play was suspected--and poison." + +When the man quit talking he glared at me. I sat still. I was cold all +over. I was afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides which, I did +not doubt that there was a good deal of money in the case. + +"Of course," said I, "it's nonsense; only I suppose you don't want the +officers about, and a fuss, and that sort of thing." + +"Exactly," said my friend. "It's all bosh about poison. You're the +coroner. You take this note and come to my house. Says you: 'Mrs. File, +are you the woman that wrote this note? Because in that case I must +examine the body.'" + +"I see," said I; "she needn't know who I am, or anything else; but if I +tell her it's all right, do you think she won't want to know why there +isn't a jury, and so on?" + +"Bless you," said the man, "the girl isn't over seventeen, and doesn't +know no more than a baby. As we live up-town miles away, she won't know +anything about you." + +"I'll do it," said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, it involved no sort of +risk; "but I must have three hundred dollars." + +"And fifty," added the wolf, "if you do it well." + +Then I knew it was serious. + +With this the man buttoned about him a shaggy gray overcoat, and took +his leave without a single word in addition. + +A minute later he came back and said: "Stagers is in this business, and +I was to remind you of Lou Wilson,--I forgot that,--the woman that died +last year. That's all." Then he went away, leaving me in a cold sweat. I +knew now I had no choice. I understood why I had been selected. + +For the first time in my life, that night I couldn't sleep. I thought +to myself, at last, that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, +and escape, leaving my books to pay as they might my arrears of rent. +Looking out of the window, however, in the morning, I saw Stagers +prowling about the opposite pavement; and as the only exit except the +street door was an alleyway which opened along-side of the front of the +house, I gave myself up for lost. About ten o'clock I took my case +of instruments and started for File's house, followed, as I too well +understood, by Stagers. + +I knew the house, which was in a small uptown street, by its closed +windows and the craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. However, +it was too late to draw back, and I therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A +haggard-looking young woman came down, and led me into a small parlor, +for whose darkened light I was thankful enough. + +"Did you write this note?" + +"I did," said the woman, "if you're the coroner. Joe File--he's my +husband--he's gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it was his, I +do." + +"What do you suspect?" said I. + +"I'll tell you," she returned in a whisper. "I think he was made away +with. I think there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. That's what +I think." + +"I hope you may be mistaken," said I. "Suppose you let me see the body." + +"You shall see it," she replied; and following her, I went up-stairs to +a front chamber, where I found the corpse. + +"Get it over soon," said the woman, with strange firmness. "If there +ain't no murder been done I shall have to run for it; if there was"--and +her face set hard--"I guess I'll stay." With this she closed the door +and left me with the dead. + +If I had known what was before me I never could have gone into the thing +at all. It looked a little better when I had opened a window and let in +plenty of light; for although I was, on the whole, far less afraid of +dead than living men, I had an absurd feeling that I was doing this dead +man a distinct wrong--as if it mattered to the dead, after all! When the +affair was over, I thought more of the possible consequences than of its +relation to the dead man himself; but do as I would at the time, I was +in a ridiculous funk, and especially when going through the forms of a +post-mortem examination. + +I am free to confess now that I was careful not to uncover the man's +face, and that when it was over I backed to the door and hastily escaped +from the room. On the stairs opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with +her bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + +"Well," said she, rising as she spoke, and with a certain eagerness in +her tone, "what killed him? Was it poison?" + +"Poison, my good woman!" said I. "When a man has typhoid fever he don't +need poison to kill him. He had a relapse, that's all." + +"And do you mean to say he wasn't poisoned," said she, with more than a +trace of disappointment in her voice--"not poisoned at all?" + +"No more than you are," said I. "If I had found any signs of foul play I +should have had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said about it the +better. The fact is, it would have been much wiser to have kept quiet at +the beginning. I can't understand why you should have troubled me about +it at all. The man had a perforation. It is common enough in typhoid." + +"That's what the doctor said--I didn't believe him. I guess now the +sooner I leave the better for me." + +"As to that," I returned, "it is none of my business; but you may rest +certain about the cause of your brother's death." + +My fears were somewhat quieted that evening when Stagers and the wolf +appeared with the remainder of the money, and I learned that Mrs. File +had fled from her home and, as File thought likely, from the city also. +A few months later File himself disappeared, and Stagers found his way +for the third time into the penitentiary. Then I felt at ease. I now +see, for my own part, that I was guilty of more than one mistake, and +that I displayed throughout a want of intelligence. I ought to have +asked more, and also might have got a good fee from Mrs. File on account +of my services as coroner. It served me, however, as a good lesson; but +it was several months before I felt quite comfortable. + +Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit's +end to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, +among other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, +which I sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send +all my prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or +twenty cents over the correct price, and handed this amount to me. + +In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on +the part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for +it in the end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to +discountenance the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, +I had never done anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it +inclines a doctor to change his medicines a good deal, and to order them +in large quantities, which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as +I have always observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so +that I prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than +to concentrate it on myself. That's a rather neat phrase. + +About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an +incident occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my +professional position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came +in, and putting down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton +handkerchief, and afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she +looked around uneasily, got up, settled her basket on her arm with a +jerk which may have decided the future of an egg or two, and remarked +briskly: "Don't see no little bottles about; got the wrong stall, I +guess. You ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?" + +With great presence of mind, I replied: "Well, ma'am, that depends upon +what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other." +I was about to add, "You pay your money and you take your choice," +but thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical +quotation. + +"Being as that's the case," said the old lady, "I'll just tell you my +symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?" + +"Just so," replied I. + +"Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe +says--tends the oyster-stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?" + +No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms? + +They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a +misery in the side, with bokin after victuals. + +I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, +though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it +rather difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one +instance where, having unconsciously applied my instrument over a +clamorous silver watch in the watchfob of a sea-captain, I concluded for +a moment that he was suffering from a rather remarkable displacement of +the heart. As to my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an +apple-stand near by, I told her that I was out of pills just then, but +would have plenty next day. Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small +amount at a place called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused +me immensely. + +A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a +counter containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely +"Lac.," "Led.," "Onis.," "Op.," "Puls.," etc., while behind him were +shelves filled with bottles of what looked like minute white shot. + +"I want some homeopathic medicine," said I. + +"Vat kindt?" said my friend. "Vat you vants to cure!" + +I explained at random that I wished to treat diseases in general. + +"Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook," and thereon produced a large box +containing bottles of small pills and powders, labeled variously with +the names of the diseases, so that all you required was to use the +headache or colic bottle in order to meet the needs of those particular +maladies. + +I was struck at first with the exquisite simplicity of this arrangement; +but before purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the leaves of a +book, in two volumes, which lay on the counter; it was called "Jahr's +Manual." Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon "Lachesis," which +proved to my amazement to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to be +indicated for use in upward of a hundred symptoms. At once it occurred +to me that "Lach." was the medicine for my money, and that it was quite +needless to waste cash on the box. I therefore bought a small jar of +"Lach." and a lot of little pills, and started for home. + +My old woman proved a fast friend; and as she sent me numerous patients, +I by and by altered my sign to "Homeopathic Physician and Surgeon," +whatever that may mean, and was regarded by my medical brothers as a +lost sheep, and by the little-pill doctors as one who had seen the error +of his ways. + +In point of fact, my new practice had decided advantages. All pills +looked and tasted alike, and the same might be said of the powders, so +that I was never troubled by those absurd investigations into the nature +of remedies which some patients are prone to make. Of course I desired +to get business, and it was therefore obviously unwise to give little +pills of "Lac.," or "Puls.," or "Sep.," when a man needed a dose of +oil, or a white-faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the useful +discovery that it was only necessary to prescribe cod-liver oil, for +instance, as a diet, in order to make use of it where required. When +a man got impatient over an ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I +could persuade him to let me try a good dose of quinine; while, on the +other hand, there was a distinct pecuniary advantage in those cases +of the shakes which could be made to believe that it "was best not +to interfere with nature." I ought to add that this kind of faith is +uncommon among folks who carry hods or build walls. + +For women who are hysterical, and go heart and soul into the business +of being sick, I have found the little pills a most charming resort, +because you cannot carry the refinement of symptoms beyond what my +friend Jahr has done in the way of fitting medicines to them, so that if +I had taken seriously to practising this double form of therapeutics, it +had, as I saw, certain conveniences. + +Another year went by, and I was beginning to prosper in my new mode of +life. My medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with variations as to +the labels) cost next to nothing; and as I charged pretty well for both +these and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + +I solemnly believe that I should have continued to succeed in the +practice of my profession if it had not happened that fate was once more +unkind to me, by throwing in my path one of my old acquaintances. I +had a consultation one day with the famous homeopath Dr. Zwanzig. As +we walked away we were busily discussing the case of a poor consumptive +fellow who previously had lost a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. +Zwanzig considered that the ten-thousandth of a grain of aurum would +be an overdose, and that it must be fractioned so as to allow for the +departed leg, otherwise the rest of the man would be getting a leg-dose +too much. I was particularly struck with this view of the case, but I +was still more, and less pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former +patient Stagers, who nodded to me familiarly from the opposite pavement. + +I was not at all surprised when, that evening quite late, I found this +worthy waiting in my office. I looked around uneasily, which was clearly +understood by my friend, who retorted: "Ain't took nothin' of yours, +doc. You don't seem right awful glad to see me. You needn't be +afraid--I've only fetched you a job, and a right good one, too." + +I replied that I had my regular business, that I preferred he should get +some one else, and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware that I +had had enough of him. I did not ask him to sit down, and, just as I +supposed him about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, remarking, +"No use, doc; got to go into it this one time." + +At this I, naturally enough, grew angry and used several rather violent +phrases. + +"No use, doc," said Stagers. + +Then I softened down, and laughed a little, and treated the thing as a +joke, whatever it was, for I dreaded to hear. + +But Stagers was fate. Stagers was inevitable. "Won't do, doc--not even +money wouldn't get you off." + +"No?" said I, interrogatively, and as coolly as I could, contriving at +the same time to move toward the window. It was summer, the sashes were +up, the shutters half drawn in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging +opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. I would give Stagers a scare, +charge him with theft--anything but get mixed up with his kind again. It +was the folly of a moment and I should have paid dear for it. + +He must have understood me, the scoundrel, for in an instant I felt a +cold ring of steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on my cravat. +"Sit down," he said. "What a fool you are! Guess you forgot that there +coroner's business and the rest." Needless to say that I obeyed. "Best +not try that again," continued my guest. "Wait a moment"; and rising, he +closed the window. + +There was no resource left but to listen; and what followed I shall +condense rather than relate it in the language employed by Mr. Stagers. + +It appeared that my other acquaintance Mr. File had been guilty of a +cold-blooded and long-premeditated murder, for which he had been tried +and convicted. He now lay in jail awaiting his execution, which was to +take place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed that with Stagers and +others he had formed a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. Their +business lay in the manufacture of South American currencies. File had +thus acquired a fortune so considerable that I was amazed at his having +allowed his passion to seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his agony +he unfortunately thought of me, and had bribed Stagers largely in order +that he might be induced to find me. When the narration had reached +this stage, and I had been made fully to understand that I was now and +hereafter under the sharp eye of Stagers and his friends, that, in a +word, escape was out of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + +"What does all this mean?" I said. "What does File expect me to do?" + +"Don't believe he exactly knows," said Stagers. "Something or other to +get him clear of hemp." + +"But what stuff!" I replied. "How can I help him? What possible +influence could I exert?" + +"Can't say," answered Stagers, imperturbably. "File has a notion you're +'most cunning enough for anything. Best try something, doc." + +"And what if I won't do it?" said I. "What does it matter to me if the +rascal swings or no?" + +"Keep cool, doc," returned Stagers. "I'm only agent in this here +business. My principal, that's File, he says: 'Tell Sanderaft to find +some way to get me clear. Once out, I give him ten thousand dollars. If +he don't turn up something that will suit, I'll blow about that coroner +business and Lou Wilson, and break him up generally.'" + +"You don't mean," said I, in a cold sweat--"you don't mean that, if I +can't do this impossible thing, he will inform on me?" + +"Just so," returned Stagers. "Got a cigar, doc?" + +I only half heard him. What a frightful position! I had been leading a +happy and an increasingly profitable life--no scrapes and no dangers; +and here, on a sudden, I had presented to me the alternative of saving +a wretch from the gallows or of spending unlimited years in a State +penitentiary. As for the money, it became as dead leaves for this once +only in my life. My brain seemed to be spinning round. I grew weak all +over. + +"Cheer up a little," said Stagers. "Take a nip of whisky. Things ain't +at the worst, by a good bit. You just get ready, and we'll start by the +morning train. Guess you'll try out something smart enough as we travel +along. Ain't got a heap of time to lose." + +I was silent. A great anguish had me in its grip. I might squirm as I +would, it was all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, born of this +agony of terror. I might murder Stagers, but what good would that do? +As to File, he was safe from my hand. At last I became too confused to +think any longer. "When do we leave?" I said feebly. + +"At six to-morrow," he returned. + +How I was watched and guarded, and how hurried over a thousand miles of +rail to my fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful to recall it +to memory. Above all, an aching eagerness for revenge upon the man who +had caused me these sufferings was uppermost in my mind. Could I not +fool the wretch and save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into my +consciousness. Then it grew and formed itself, became possible, +probable, seemed to me sure. "Ah," said I, "Stagers, give me something +to eat and drink." I had not tasted food for two days. + +Within a day or two after my arrival, I was enabled to see File in his +cell, on the plea of being a clergyman from his native place. + +I found that I had not miscalculated my danger. The man did not appear +to have the least idea as to how I was to help him. He only knew that I +was in his power, and he used his control to insure that something more +potent than friendship should be enlisted in his behalf. As the days +went by, his behavior grew to be a frightful thing to witness. He +threatened, flattered, implored, offered to double the sum he had +promised if I would save him. My really reasonable first thought was to +see the governor of the State, and, as Stagers's former physician, +make oath to his having had many attacks of epilepsy followed by brief +periods of homicidal mania. He had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic +epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was in a distant city. The time was +short, and the case against my man too clear. Stagers said it would not +do. I was at my wit's end. "Got to do something," said File, "or I'll +attend to your case, doc." + +"But," said I, "suppose there is really nothing?" + +"Well," said Stagers to me when we were alone, "you get him satisfied, +anyhow. He'll never let them hang him, and perhaps--well, I'm going to +give him these pills when I get a chance. He asked to have them. But +what's your other plan?" + +Stagers knew as much about medicine as a pig knows about the opera. So +I set to work to delude him, first asking if he could secure me, as a +clergyman, an hour alone with File just before the execution. He said +money would do it, and what was my plan? + +"Well," said I, "there was once a man named Dr. Chovet. He lived in +London. A gentleman who turned highwayman was to be hanged. You see," +said I, "this was about 1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and +the hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the man's windpipe, very low down +where it could be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they hanged him +only a little while, and the breath went in and out of the opening below +the noose, he was only just insensible when his friends got him--" + +"And he got well," cried Stagers, much pleased with my rather +melodramatic tale. + +"Yes," I said, "he got well, and lived to take purses, all dressed in +white. People had known him well, and when he robbed his great-aunt, who +was not in the secret, she swore she had seen his ghost." + +Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed it would work; small town, +new business, lots of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to save +a man is said to have been made, but, by ill luck, the man did not +recover. It answered my purpose, but how any one, even such an ass as +this fellow, could believe it could succeed puzzles me to this day. + +File became enthusiastic over my scheme, and I cordially assisted his +credulity. The thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the business +blew up or--and I shuddered--until File, in despair, took his pill. I +should in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + +My friend Stagers had some absurd misgivings lest Mr. File's neck might +be broken by the fall; but as to this I was able to reassure him upon +the best scientific authority. There were certain other and minor +questions, as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete arrest of the +supply of blood to the brain; but with these physiological refinements +I thought it needlessly cruel to distract a man in File's peculiar +position. Perhaps I shall be doing injustice to my own intellect if I +do not hasten to state again that I had not the remotest belief in +the efficacy of my plan for any purpose except to get me out of a very +uncomfortable position and give me, with time, a chance to escape. + +Stagers and I were both disguised as clergymen, and were quite freely +admitted to the condemned man's cell. In fact, there was in the little +town a certain trustful simplicity about all their arrangements. The +day but one before the execution Stagers informed me that File had the +pills, which he, Stagers, had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed +pleased with our plan. I was not. He was really getting uneasy and +suspicious of me--as I was soon to find out. + +So far our plans, or rather mine, had worked to a marvel. Certain of +File's old accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman to shorten the +time of suspension. Arrangements were made to secure me two hours alone +with the prisoner, so that nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool +business. I had assured Stagers that I would not need to see File again +previous to the operation; but in the forenoon of the day before that +set for the execution I was seized with a feverish impatience, which +luckily prompted me to visit him once more. As usual, I was admitted +readily, and nearly reached his cell when I became aware, from the +sound of voices heard through the grating in the door, that there was a +visitor in the cell. "Who is with him?" I inquired of the turnkey. + +"The doctor," he replied. + +"Doctor?" I said, pausing. "What doctor?" + +"Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back in half an hour to let him out; +but he's got a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will you wait?" + +"No," I replied; "it is hardly right to interrupt them. I will walk in +the corridor for ten minutes or so, and then you can come back to let me +into the cell." + +"Very good," he returned, and left me. + +As soon as I was alone, I cautiously advanced until I stood alongside of +the door, through the barred grating of which I was able readily to hear +what went on within. The first words I caught were these: + +"And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a man's windpipe was open, the +hanging would kill him--are you sure?" + +"Yes, I believe there would be no doubt of it. I cannot see how escape +would be possible. But let me ask you why you have sent for me to ask +these singular questions. You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, +and least of all in such a manner as this. I advise you to think about +the fate which is inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to reflect +upon." + +"But," said File, "if I wanted to try this plan of mine, couldn't some +one be found to help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand or so by +it? I mean a really good doctor." Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my +skill, and meant to get some one to aid me. + +"If you mean me," answered the doctor, "some one cannot be found, +neither for twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, if any one were +wicked enough to venture on such an attempt, he would only be deceiving +you with a hope which would be utterly vain. You must be off your head." + +I understood all this with an increasing fear in my mind. I had meant to +get away that night at all risks. I saw now that I must go at once. + +After a pause he said: "Well, doctor, you know a poor devil in my fix +will clutch at straws. Hope I have not offended you." + +"Not in the least," returned the doctor. "Shall I send you Mr. Smith?" +This was my present name; in fact, I was known as the Rev. Eliphalet +Smith. + +"I would like it," answered File; "but as you go out, tell the warden I +want to see him immediately about a matter of great importance." + +At this stage I began to apprehend very distinctly that the time +had arrived when it would be wiser for me to delay escape no longer. +Accordingly, I waited until I heard the doctor rise, and at once stepped +quietly away to the far end of the corridor. I had scarcely reached it +when the door which closed it was opened by a turnkey who had come to +relieve the doctor and let me into the cell. Of course my peril was +imminent. If the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the prisoner, +immediate disclosure would follow. If some lapse of time were secured +before the warden obeyed the request from File that he should visit him, +I might gain thus a much-needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore said +to the officer: "Tell the warden that the doctor wishes to remain an +hour longer with the prisoner, and that I shall return myself at the end +of that time." + +"Very good, sir," said the turnkey, allowing me to pass out, and, as +he followed me, relocking the door of the corridor. "I'll tell him," +he said. It is needless to repeat that I never had the least idea of +carrying out the ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded File and +Stagers, but so far Stagers's watchfulness had given me no chance to +escape. + +In a few moments I was outside of the jail gate, and saw my +fellow-clergyman, Mr. Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, coming +down the street toward me. As usual, he was on his guard; but this time +he had to deal with a man grown perfectly desperate, with everything to +win and nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, wild as they were, I +thought them worth the trying. I must evade this man's terrible watch. +How keen it was, you cannot imagine; but it was aided by three of the +infamous gang to which File had belonged, for without these spies no one +person could possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + +I took Stagers's arm. "What time," said I, "does the first train start +for Dayton?" + +"At twelve. What do you want?" + +"How far is it?" + +"About fifteen miles," he replied. + +"Good. I can get back by eight o'clock to-night." + +"Easily," said Stagers, "if you go. What do you want?" + +"I want a smaller tube to put in the windpipe--must have it, in fact." + +"Well, I don't like it," said he, "but the thing's got to go through +somehow. If you must go, I will go along myself. Can't lose sight of +you, doc, just at present. You're monstrous precious. Did you tell +File?" + +"Yes," said I; "he's all right. Come. We've no time to lose." + +Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we were seated in the last car of +a long train, and running at the rate of twenty miles an hour toward +Dayton. In about ten minutes I asked Stagers for a cigar. + +"Can't smoke here," said he. + +"No," I answered; "of course not. I'll go forward into the smoking-car." + +"Come along," said he, and we went through the train. + +I was not sorry he had gone with me when I found in the smoking-car one +of the spies who had been watching me so constantly. Stagers nodded to +him and grinned at me, and we sat down together. + +"Chut!" said I, "left my cigar on the window-ledge in the hindmost car. +Be back in a moment." + +This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed me to leave unaccompanied. I +hastened through to the nearer end of the hindmost car, and stood on +the platform. I instantly cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, +waiting until the two cars ran together, I tugged at the connecting-pin. +As the cars came together, I could lift it a little, then as the strain +came on the coupling the pin held fast. At last I made a great effort, +and out it came. The car I was on instantly lost speed, and there on the +other platform, a hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his fist at me. +He was beaten, and he knew it. In the end few people have been able to +get ahead of me. + +The retreating train was half a mile away around the curve as I screwed +up the brake on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to a stand. I did +not wait for it to stop entirely before I slipped off the steps, leaving +the other passengers to dispose of themselves as they might until their +absence should be discovered and the rest of the train return. + +As I wish rather to illustrate my very remarkable professional career +than to amuse by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not linger to +tell how I succeeded, at last, in reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I +had never ceased to anticipate the moment when escape from File and his +friends would be possible, so that I always carried about with me the +very small funds with which I had hastily provided myself upon leaving. +The whole amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but with this, and +a gold watch worth twice as much, I hoped to be able to subsist until +my own ingenuity enabled me to provide more liberally for the future. +Naturally enough, I scanned the papers closely to discover some account +of File's death and of the disclosures concerning myself which he was +only too likely to have made. + +I came at last on an account of how he had poisoned himself, and so +escaped the hangman. I never learned what he had said about me, but I +was quite sure he had not let me off easy. I felt that this failure to +announce his confessions was probably due to a desire on the part of the +police to avoid alarming me. Be this as it may, I remained long ignorant +as to whether or not the villain betrayed my part in that unusual +coroner's inquest. + +Before many days I had resolved to make another and a bold venture. +Accordingly appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement to the +effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the well-known German physician, who had +spent two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge of Indian medicine, +was prepared to treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. Dr. von +Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis for two weeks, and was to be found +at the Grayson House every day from ten until two o'clock. + +To my delight, I got two patients the first day. The next I had twice as +many, when at once I hired two connecting rooms, and made a very useful +arrangement, which I may describe dramatically in the following way: + +There being two or three patients waiting while I finished my cigar and +morning julep, enters a respectable-looking old gentleman who inquires +briskly of the patients if this is really Dr. von Ingenhoff's. He is +told it is. My friend was apt to overact his part. I had often occasion +to ask him to be less positive. + +"Ah," says he, "I shall be delighted to see the doctor. Five years ago +I was scalped on the Plains, and now"--exhibiting a well-covered +head--"you see what the doctor did for me. 'T isn't any wonder I've come +fifty miles to see him. Any of you been scalped, gentlemen?" + +To none of them had this misfortune arrived as yet; but, like most folks +in the lower ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it was pleasant +to find a genial person who would listen to their account of their own +symptoms. + +Presently, after hearing enough, the old gentleman pulls out a large +watch. "Bless me! it's late. I must call again. May I trouble you, sir, +to say to the doctor that his old friend called to see him and will drop +in again to-morrow? Don't forget: Governor Brown of Arkansas." A moment +later the governor visited me by a side door, with his account of the +symptoms of my patients. + +Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having retired. "Now, doc," says +the Hoosier, "I've been handled awful these two years back." "Stop!" I +exclaimed. "Open your eyes. There, now, let me see," taking his pulse +as I speak. "Ah, you've a pain there, and there, and you can't sleep; +cocktails don't agree any longer. Weren't you bit by a dog two years +ago?" "I was," says the Hoosier, in amazement. "Sir," I reply, "you have +chronic hydrophobia. It's the water in the cocktails that disagrees +with you. My bitters will cure you in a week, sir. No more whisky--drink +milk." + +The astonishment of my patient at these accurate revelations may be +imagined. He is allowed to wait for his medicine in the anteroom, where +the chances are in favor of his relating how wonderfully I had told all +his symptoms at a glance. + +Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small but clever actor, whom I met +in the billiard-room, and who day after day, in varying disguises and +modes, played off the same tricks, to our great common advantage. + +At my friend's suggestion, we very soon added to our resources by +the purchase of two electromagnetic batteries. This special means of +treating all classes of maladies has advantages which are altogether +peculiar. In the first place, you instruct your patient that the +treatment is of necessity a long one. A striking mode of putting it is +to say, "Sir, you have been six months getting ill; it will require six +months for a cure." There is a correct sound about such a phrase, and it +is sure to satisfy. Two sittings a week, at two dollars a sitting, will +pay. In many cases the patient gets well while you are electrifying him. +Whether or not the electricity cured him is a thing I shall never know. +If, however, he began to show signs of impatience, I advised him that +he would require a year's treatment, and suggested that it would be +economical for him to buy a battery and use it at home. Thus advised, +he pays you twenty dollars for an instrument which cost you ten, and you +are rid of a troublesome case. + +If the reader has followed me closely, he will have learned that I am +a man of large and liberal views in my profession, and of a very +justifiable ambition. The idea has often occurred to me of combining in +one establishment all the various modes of practice which are known +as irregular. This, as will be understood, is really only a wider +application of the idea which prompted me to unite in my own business +homeopathy and the practice of medicine. I proposed to my partner, +accordingly, to combine with our present business that of spiritualism, +which I knew had been very profitably turned to account in connection +with medical practice. As soon as he agreed to this plan, which, by the +way, I hoped to enlarge so as to include all the available isms, I set +about making such preparations as were necessary. I remembered having +read somewhere that a Dr. Schiff had shown that he could produce +remarkable "knockings," so called, by voluntarily dislocating the great +toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its socket. A still better +noise could be made by throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus muscle +out of the hollow in which it lies, alongside of the ankle. After some +effort I was able to accomplish both feats quite readily, and could +occasion a remarkable variety of sounds, according to the power which I +employed or the positions which I occupied at the time. As to all other +matters, I trusted to the suggestions of my own ingenuity, which, as a +rule, has rarely failed me. + +The largest success attended the novel plan which my lucky genius had +devised, so that soon we actually began to divide large profits and to +lay by a portion of our savings. It is, of course, not to be supposed +that this desirable result was attained without many annoyances and some +positive danger. My spiritual revelations, medical and other, were, as +may be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; but in this, as in +predictions as to the weather and other events, the rare successes +always get more prominence in the minds of men than the numerous +failures. Moreover, whenever a person has been fool enough to resort to +folks like myself, he is always glad to be able to defend his conduct by +bringing forward every possible proof of skill on the part of the men he +has consulted. These considerations, and a certain love of mysterious or +unusual means, I have commonly found sufficient to secure an ample share +of gullible individuals. I may add, too, that those who would be +shrewd enough to understand and expose us are wise enough to keep away +altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, easy enough to manage, but +now and then we hit upon some utterly exceptional patient who was +both foolish enough to consult us and sharp enough to know he had been +swindled. When such a fellow made a fuss, it was occasionally necessary +to return his money if it was found impossible to bully him into +silence. In one or two instances, where I had promised a cure upon +prepayment of two or three hundred dollars, I was either sued or +threatened with suit, and had to refund a part or the whole of the +amount; but most people preferred to hold their tongues rather than +expose to the world the extent of their own folly. + +In one most disastrous case I suffered personally to a degree which I +never can recall without a distinct sense of annoyance, both at my own +want of care and at the disgusting consequences which it brought upon +me. + +Early one morning an old gentleman called, in a state of the utmost +agitation, and explained that he desired to consult the spirits as to +a heavy loss which he had experienced the night before. He had left, he +said, a sum of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going to bed. In the +morning he had changed his clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove +the notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, he discovered that the +garment still lay upon the chair where he had thrown it, but that the +money was missing. I at once desired him to be seated, and proceeded +to ask him certain questions, in a chatty way, about the habits of his +household, the amount lost, and the like, expecting thus to get some +clue which would enable me to make my spirits display the requisite +share of sagacity in pointing out the thief. I learned readily that he +was an old and wealthy man, a little close, too, I suspected, and that +he lived in a large house with but two servants, and an only son about +twenty-one years old. The servants were both women who had lived in the +household many years, and were probably innocent. Unluckily, remembering +my own youthful career, I presently reached the conclusion that the +young man had been the delinquent. When I ventured to inquire a little +as to his habits, the old gentleman cut me very short, remarking that he +came to ask questions, and not to be questioned, and that he desired at +once to consult the spirits. Upon this I sat down at a table, and, after +a brief silence, demanded in a solemn voice if there were any spirits +present. By industriously cracking my big toe-joint I was enabled to +represent at once the presence of a numerous assembly of these worthies. +Then I inquired if any one of them had been present when the robbery was +effected. A prompt double knock replied in the affirmative. I may say +here, by the way, that the unanimity of the spirits as to their use of +two knocks for "yes" and one for "no" is a very remarkable point, and +shows, if it shows anything, how perfect and universal must be the +social intercourse of the respected departed. It is worthy of note, +also, that if the spirit--I will not say the medium--perceives after one +knock that it were wiser to say yes, he can conveniently add the second +tap. Some such arrangement in real life would, it appears to me, be +highly desirable. + +It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, the French detective. I +had just read a translation of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a very +available spirit to call upon. + +As soon as I explained that the spirit who answered had been a witness +of the theft, the old man became strangely agitated. "Who was it?" said +he. At once the spirit indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we +went over the letters,--always a slow method, but useful when you want +to observe excitable people,--my visitor kept saying, "Quicker--go +quicker." At length the spirit spelled out the words, "I know not his +name." + +"Was it," said the gentleman--"was it a--was it one of my household?" + +I knocked "yes" without hesitation; who else, indeed, could it have +been? + +"Excuse me," he went on, "if I ask you for a little whisky." + +This I gave him. He continued: "Was it Susan or Ellen?" + +"No, no!" + +"Was it--" He paused. "If I ask a question mentally, will the spirits +reply?" I knew what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was his son, but +did not wish to speak openly. + +"Ask," said I. + +"I have," he returned. + +I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to commit myself definitely, yet +here I fancied, from the facts of the case and his own terrible anxiety, +that he suspected, or more than suspected, his son as the guilty person. +I became sure of this as I studied his face. At all events, it would be +easy to deny or explain in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander +was there in two knocks? I struck twice as usual. + +Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very white, but quite firm. +"There," he said, and cast a bank-note on the table, "I thank you," and +bending his head on his breast, walked, as I thought, with great effort +out of the room. + +On the following morning, as I made my first appearance in my outer +room, which contained at least a dozen persons awaiting advice, +who should I see standing by the window but the old gentleman with +sandy-gray hair? Along with him was a stout young man with a head as +red as mine, and mustache and whiskers to match. Probably the son, I +thought--ardent temperament, remorse, come to confess, etc. I was +never more mistaken in my life. I was about to go regularly through my +patients when the old gentleman began to speak. + +"I called, doctor," said he, "to explain the little matter about which +I--about which I--" + +"Troubled your spirits yesterday," added the youth, jocosely, pulling +his mustache. + +"Beg pardon," I returned; "had we not better talk this over in private? +Come into my office," I added, touching the younger man on the arm. + +Would you believe it? he took out his handkerchief and dusted the place +I had touched. "Better not," said he. "Go on, father; let us get done +with this den." + +"Gentlemen," said the elder person, addressing the patients, "I called +here yesterday, like a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum of +money which I believed I left in my room on going out in the morning. +This doctor here and his spirits contrived to make me suspect my only +son. Well, I charged him at once with the crime as soon as I got +back home, and what do you think he did? He said, 'Father, let us go +up-stairs and look for it,' and--" + +Here the young man broke in with: "Come, father; don't worry yourself +for nothing"; and then turning, added: "To cut the thing short, he found +the notes under his candle-stick, where he left them on going to bed. +This is all of it. We came here to stop this fellow" (by which he meant +me) "from carrying a slander further. I advise you, good people, to +profit by the matter, and to look up a more honest doctor, if doctoring +be what you want." + +As soon as he had ended, I remarked solemnly: "The words of the spirits +are not my words. Who shall hold them accountable?" + +"Nonsense," said the young man. "Come, father"; and they left the room. + +Now was the time to retrieve my character. "Gentlemen," said I, "you +have heard this very singular account. Trusting the spirits utterly and +entirely as I do, it occurs to me that there is no reason why they +may not, after all, have been right in their suspicions of this young +person. Who can say that, overcome by remorse, he may not have seized +the time of his father's absence to replace the money?" + +To my amazement, up gets a little old man from the corner. "Well, you +are a low cuss!" said he, and taking up a basket beside him, hobbled +hastily out of the room. You may be sure I said some pretty sharp things +to him, for I was out of humor to begin with, and it is one thing to +be insulted by a stout young man, and quite another to be abused by +a wretched old cripple. However, he went away, and I supposed, for my +part, that I was done with the whole business. + +An hour later, however, I heard a rough knock at my door, and opening it +hastily, saw my red-headed young man with the cripple. + +"Now," said the former, taking me by the collar, and pulling me into +the room among my patients, "I want to know, my man, if this doctor said +that it was likely I was the thief after all?" + +"That's what he said," replied the cripple; "just about that, sir." + +I do not desire to dwell on the after conduct of this hot-headed young +man. It was the more disgraceful as I offered but little resistance, and +endured a beating such as I would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. +Nor was this all. He warned me that if I dared to remain in the city +after a week he would shoot me. In the East I should have thought +but little of such a threat, but here it was only too likely to +be practically carried out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of +character, but with much grief and reluctance, I collected my whole +fortune, which now amounted to at least seven thousand dollars, and +turned my back upon this ungrateful town. I am sorry to say that I also +left behind me the last of my good luck. + +I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached Boston. The country +anywhere would have been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural +pursuits. It seemed an agreeable city, and I decided to remain. + +I took good rooms at Parker's, and concluding to enjoy life, amused +myself in the company of certain, I may say uncertain, young women who +danced at some of the theaters. I played billiards, drank rather too +much, drove fast horses, and at the end of a delightful year was shocked +to find myself in debt, and with only seven dollars and fifty-three +cents left--I like to be accurate. I had only one resource: I determined +to visit my deaf aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could do in the +role of the prodigal nephew. At all events, I should gain time to think +of what new enterprise I could take up; but, above all, I needed a +little capital and a house over my head. I had pawned nearly everything +of any value which I possessed. + +I left my debts to gather interest, and went away to Woodbury. It was +the day before Christmas when I reached the little Jersey town, and +it was also by good luck Sunday. I was hungry and quite penniless. I +wandered about until church had begun, because I was sure then to find +Aunt Rachel and Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to explore a +little. The house was closed, and even the one servant absent. I got in +with ease at the back through the kitchen, and having at least an hour +and a half free from interruption, I made a leisurely search. The +role of prodigal was well enough, but here was a better chance and an +indulgent opportunity. + +In a few moments I found the famous Bible hid away under Aunt Rachel's +mattress. The Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended to be +moderate enough to escape suspicion. Here were quite two thousand +dollars. I resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, so as to keep a +good balance. Then, alas! I lit on a long envelop, my aunt's will. Every +cent was left to Christ Church; not a dime to poor Pen or to me. I was +in a rage. I tore up the will and replaced the envelop. To treat +poor Pen that way--Pen of all people! There was a heap more will than +testament, for all it was in the Bible. After that I thought it was +right to punish the old witch, and so I took every note I could find. +When I was through with this business, I put back the Bible under +the mattress, and observing that I had been quite too long, I went +downstairs with a keen desire to leave the town as early as possible. I +was tempted, however, to look further, and was rewarded by finding in +an old clock case a small reticule stuffed with bank-notes. This I +appropriated, and made haste to go out. I was too late. As I went into +the little entry to get my hat and coat, Aunt Rachel entered, followed +by Peninnah. + +At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was a monster and fit for the +penitentiary. As she could not hear at all, she had the talk to herself, +and went by me and up-stairs, rumbling abuse like distant thunder +overhead. + +Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The pretty fool was seated on a +chair, all dressed up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward and +forward, crying, "Oh, oh, ah!" like a lamb saying, "Baa, baa, baa!" She +never had much sense. I had to shake her to get a reasonable word. +She mopped her eyes, and I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last +decided that I was the person who had thinned her hoards. This was bad, +but involved less inconvenience than it might have done an hour earlier. +Amid tears Pen told me that a detective had been at the house inquiring +for me. When this happened it seems that the poor little goose had tried +to fool deaf Aunt Rachel with some made-up story as to the man having +come about taxes. I suppose the girl was not any too sharp, and the old +woman, I guess, read enough from merely seeing the man's lips. You never +could keep anything from her, and she was both curious and suspicious. +She assured the officer that I was a thief, and hoped I might be caught. +I could not learn whether the man told Pen any particulars, but as I was +slowly getting at the facts we heard a loud scream and a heavy fall. + +Pen said, "Oh, oh!" and we hurried upstairs. There was the old woman +on the floor, her face twitching to right, and her breathing a sort of +hoarse croak. The big Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what had +happened. It was a fit of apoplexy. + +At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed to recover her wits, and said: +"Go away, go away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know you have stolen her +money and killed her, and--and I loved you, I was so proud of you! Oh, +oh!" + +This was all very fine, but the advice was good. I said: "Yes, I had +better go. Run and get some one--a doctor. It is a fit of hysterics; +there is no danger. I will write to you. You are quite mistaken." + +This was too feeble even for Pen, and she cried: + +"No, never; I never want to see you again. You would kill me next." + +"Stuff!" said I, and ran down-stairs. I seized my coat and hat, and went +to the tavern, where I got a man to drive me to Camden. I have never +seen Pen since. As I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that I +should have asked when the detective had been after me. I suspected from +Pen's terror that it had been recently. + +It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, the day before Christmas. The +ground was covered with snow, and as I walked up Market street my feet +were soon soaked. In my haste I had left my overshoes. I was very +cold, and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I kept thinking of what a +conspicuous thing a fire-red head is, and of how many people knew me. +As I reached Woodbury early and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all +day. I relied on Pen. + +Now I concluded to go down into my old neighborhood and get a lodging +where no references were asked. Next day I would secure a disguise and +get out of the way. I had passed the day without food, as I have just +said, and having ample means, concluded to go somewhere and get a good +dinner. It was now close to three in the afternoon. I was aware of two +things: that I was making many plans, and giving them up as soon as +made; and that I was suddenly afraid without cause, afraid to enter an +eating-house, and in fear of every man I met. + +I went on, feeling more and more chilly. When a man is really cold his +mind does not work well, and now it was blowing a keen gale from the +north. At Second and South I came plump on a policeman I knew. He looked +at me through the drifting snow, as if he was uncertain, and twice +looked back after having passed me. I turned west at Christian street. +When I looked behind me the man was standing at the corner, staring +after me. At the next turn I hurried away northward in a sort of anguish +of terror. I have said I was an uncommon person. I am. I am sensitive, +too. My mind is much above the average, but unless I am warm and well +fed it does not act well, and I make mistakes. At that time I was +half frozen, in need of food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool +squirming on the floor got on to my nerves. I went on and on, and at +last into Second street, until I came to Christ Church, of all places +for me. I heard the sound of the organ in the afternoon service. I felt +I must go in and get warm. Here was another silly notion: I was afraid +of hotels, but not of the church. I reasoned vaguely that it was a dark +day, and darker in the church, and so I went in at the Church Alley +entrance and sat near the north door. No one noticed me. I sat still in +a high-backed pew, well hid, and wondering what was the matter with me. +It was curious that a doctor, and a man of my intelligence, should have +been long in guessing a thing so simple. + +For two months I had been drinking hard, and for two days had quit, +being a man capable of great self-control, and also being short of +money. Just before the benediction I saw a man near by who seemed to +stare at me. In deadly fear I got up and quickly slipped through a +door into the tower room. I said to myself, "He will follow me or wait +outside." I stood a moment with my head all of a whirl, and then in +a shiver of fear ran up the stairs to the tower until I got into the +bell-ringer's room. I was safe. I sat down on a stool, twitching and +tremulous. There were the old books on bell-ringing, and the miniature +chime of small bells for instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and it +swung the eight ropes about in a way I did not like. I remember saying, +"Oh, don't do that." At last I had a mad desire to ring one of the +bells. As a loop of rope swung toward me it seemed to hold a face, and +this face cried out, "Come and hang yourself; then the bell will ring." + +If I slept I do not know. I may have done so. Certainly I must have +stayed there many hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on my guard, +for when far into the night I heard noises below, I ran up the steeper +steps which ascend to the steeple, where are the bells. Half-way up I +sat down on the stair. The place was cold and the darkness deep. Then I +heard the eight ringers down below. One said: "Never knowed a Christmas +like this since Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, boys!" I knew it must be close +on to midnight. Now they would play a Christmas carol. I used every +Christmas to be roused up and carried here and set on dad's shoulder. +When they were done ringing, Number Two always gave me a box of +sugar-plums and a large red apple. As they rang off, my father would cry +out, "One, two," and so on, and then cry, "Elias, all over town people +are opening windows to listen." I seemed to hear him as I sat in the +gloom. Then I heard, "All ready; one, two," and they rang the Christmas +carol. Overhead I heard the great bells ringing out: + + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. + +I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum the air. Great heavens! There +was the old woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going twitch, twitch, the +croak of her breathing keeping a sort of mad time with "On Christmas +day, on Christmas day." I jumped up. She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort +of way what was the matter with me, but I had still the sense to sit +down and wait. I said now it would be snakes, for once before I had been +almost as bad. But what I did see was a little curly-headed boy in a +white frock and pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg first; +so queer of me to have noticed that. I knew I was that boy. He was an +innocent-looking little chap, and was smiling. He seemed to me to grow +and grow, and at last was a big, red-headed man with a live rat in his +hand. I saw nothing more, but I surely knew I needed whisky. I waited +until all was still, and got down and out, for I knew every window. I +soon found a tavern, and got a drink and some food. At once my fear +left me. I was warm at last and clear of head, and had again my natural +courage. I was well aware that I was on the edge of delirium tremens and +must be most prudent. I paid in advance for my room and treated myself +as I had done many another. Only a man of unusual force could have +managed his own case as I did. I went out only at night, and in a week +was well enough to travel. During this time I saw now and then that +grinning little fellow. Sometimes he had an apple and was eating it. I +do not know why he was worse to me than snakes, or the twitchy old woman +with her wide eyes of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to right. + +I decided to go back to Boston. I got to New York prudently in a +roundabout way, and in two weeks' time was traveling east from Albany. + +I felt well, and my spirits began at last to rise to their usual level. +When I arrived in Boston I set myself to thinking how best I could +contrive to enjoy life and at the same time to increase my means. +I possessed sufficient capital, and was able and ready to embark in +whatever promised the best returns with the smallest personal risks. I +settled myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing claims, and began to +reflect with my ordinary sagacity. + +We were now in the midst of a most absurd war with the South, and it was +becoming difficult to escape the net of conscription. It might be wise +to think of this in time. Europe seemed a desirable residence, but +I needed more money to make this agreeable, and an investment for my +brains was what I wanted most. Many schemes presented themselves +as worthy the application of industry and talent, but none of them +altogether suited my case. I thought at times of traveling as +a physiological lecturer, combining with it the business of a +practitioner: scare the audience at night with an enumeration of +symptoms which belong to ten out of every dozen healthy people, and +then doctor such of them as are gulls enough to consult me next day. +The bigger the fright the better the pay. I was a little timid, however, +about facing large audiences, as a man will be naturally if he has lived +a life of adventure, so that upon due consideration I gave up the idea +altogether. + +The patent medicine business also looked well enough, but it is somewhat +overdone at all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with the probable +result of ill success. Indeed, I believe one hundred quack remedies fail +for one that succeeds, and millions must have been wasted in placards, +bills, and advertisements, which never returned half their value to the +speculator. I think I shall some day beguile my time with writing an +account of the principal quack remedies which have met with success. +They are few in number, after all, as any one must know who recalls the +countless pills and tonics which are puffed awhile on the fences, and +disappear, to be heard of no more. + +Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake a private insane asylum, +which appeared to me to offer facilities for money-making, as to which, +however, I may have been deceived by the writings of certain popular +novelists. I went so far, I may say, as actually to visit Concord for +the purpose of finding a pleasant locality and a suitable atmosphere. +Upon reflection I abandoned my plans, as involving too much personal +labor to suit one of my easy frame of mind. + +Tired at last of idleness and lounging on the Common, I engaged in two +or three little ventures of a semi-professional character, such as +an exhibition of laughing-gas, advertising to cure cancer,--"Send +twenty-five stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an infallible +receipt,"--etc. I did not find, however, that these little enterprises +prospered well in New England, and I had recalled very forcibly a story +which my father was fond of relating to me in my boyhood. It was about +how certain very knowing flies went to get molasses, and how it ended by +the molasses getting them. This, indeed, was precisely what happened to +me in all my efforts to better myself in the Northern States, until at +length my misfortunes climaxed in total and unexpected ruin. + +Having been very economical, I had now about twenty-seven hundred +dollars. It was none too much. At this time I made the acquaintance of a +sea-captain from Maine. He told me that he and two others had chartered +a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica with a variety cargo. In fact, +he meant to run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he was to +carry quinine, chloroform, and other medical requirements for the +Confederates. He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more, and a doctor +to buy the kind of things which army surgeons require. Of course I was +prudent and he careful, but at last, on his proving to me that there was +no risk, I agreed to expend his money, his friends', and my own up to +twenty-five hundred dollars. I saw the other men, one of them a rebel +captain. I was well pleased with the venture, and resolved for obvious +reasons to go with them on the steamer. It was a promising investment, +and I am free to reflect that in this, as in some other things, I have +been free from vulgar prejudices. I bought all that we needed, and was +well satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in the hold. + +We were to sail on a certain Thursday morning in September, 1863. I +sent my trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening before we were to +start to go on board, but found that the little steamer had been hauled +out from the pier. The captain, who met me at this time, endeavored +to get a boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was blowing, and he +advised me to wait until morning. My associates were already on board. +Early next day I dressed and went to the captain's room, which proved to +be empty. I was instantly filled with doubt, and ran frantically to the +Long Wharf, where, to my horror, I could see no signs of the vessel or +captain. Neither have I ever set eyes on them from that time to this. +I thought of lodging information with the police as to the unpatriotic +design of the rascal who swindled me, but on the whole concluded that it +was best to hold my tongue. + +It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt milk as to be little worth +lamenting, and I therefore set to work, with my accustomed energy, to +utilize on my own behalf the resources of my medical education, which so +often before had saved me from want. The war, then raging at its height, +appeared to offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. The path +which I chose was apparently a humble one, but it enabled me to make +very practical use of my professional knowledge, and afforded for a time +rapid and secure returns, without any other investment than a little +knowledge cautiously employed. In the first place, I deposited my small +remnant of property in a safe bank. Then I went to Providence, where, as +I had heard, patriotic persons were giving very large bounties in order, +I suppose, to insure the government the services of better men than +themselves. On my arrival I lost no time in offering myself as a +substitute, and was readily accepted, and very soon mustered into the +Twentieth Rhode Island. Three months were passed in camp, during which +period I received bounty to the extent of six hundred and fifty dollars, +with which I tranquilly deserted about two hours before the regiment +left for the field. With the product of my industry I returned to +Boston, and deposited all but enough to carry me to New York, where +within a month I enlisted twice, earning on each occasion four hundred +dollars. + +After this I thought it wise to try the same game in some of the smaller +towns near to Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace with a good deal +of doubt; but I selected a regiment in camp at Norristown, which is +eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly seven hundred dollars by entering +the service as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, I presume, was +mightier than his sword. I was, however, disagreeably surprised by +being hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy young lieutenant, +who brutally shot down a poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for +attempting to desert. At this point I began to make use of my medical +skill, for I did not in the least degree fancy being shot, either +because of deserting or of not deserting. It happened, therefore, that a +day or two later, while in Washington, I was seized in the street with a +fit, which perfectly imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused +him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital. Here I found it necessary +to perform fits about twice a week, and as there were several real +epileptics in the ward, I had a capital chance of studying their +symptoms, which, finally, I learned to imitate with the utmost +cleverness. + +I soon got to know three or four men who, like myself, were personally +averse to bullets, and who were simulating other forms of disease with +more or less success. One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back, +and walked about like an old man; another, who had been to the front, +was palsied in the right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on the leg, +rubbing in a little antimonial ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, +and sold him at five dollars a box. + +A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief. The new +surgeon was a quiet, gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes and +clearly cut features, and a way of looking at you without saying much. I +felt so safe myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of +enjoyment which one clever man takes in seeing another at work. + +The first inspection settled two of us. + +"Another back case," said the assistant surgeon to his senior. + +"Back hurt you?" says the latter, mildly. + +"Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't never been able to stand +straight since." + +"A howitzer!" says the surgeon. "Lean forward, my man, so as to touch +the floor--so. That will do." Then turning to his aid, he said, "Prepare +this man's discharge papers." + +"His discharge, sir?" + +"Yes; I said that. Who's next?" + +"Thank you, sir," groaned the man with the back. "How soon, sir, do you +think it will be?" + +"Ah, not less than a month," replied the surgeon, and passed on. + +Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C, and as the +patient presumed that his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed +himself a little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter. +Unluckily, those nice blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and one +fine morning Smithson was appalled at finding himself in a detachment +bound for the field, and bearing on his descriptive list an ill-natured +indorsement about his malady. + +The surgeon came next on O'Callahan, standing, like each of us, at the +foot of his own bed. + +"I've paralytics in my arm," he said, with intention to explain his +failure to salute his superior. + +"Humph!" said the surgeon; "you have another hand." + +"An' it's not the rigulation to saloot with yer left," said the +Irishman, with a grin, while the patients around us began to smile. + +"How did it happen?" said the surgeon. + +"I was shot in the shoulder," answered the patient, "about three months +ago, sir. I haven't stirred it since." + +The surgeon looked at the scar. + +"So recently?" said he. "The scar looks older; and, by the way, +doctor,"--to his junior,--"it could not have gone near the nerves. Bring +the battery, orderly." + +In a few moments the surgeon was testing one after another, the +various muscles. At last he stopped. "Send this man away with the next +detachment. Not a word, my man. You are a rascal, and a disgrace to +honest men who have been among bullets." + +The man muttered something, I did not hear what. + +"Put this man in the guard-house," cried the surgeon, and so passed on +without smile or frown. + +As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he was put in bed, and his leg +locked up in a wooden splint, which effectually prevented him from +touching the part diseased. It healed in ten days, and he too went as +food for powder. + +The surgeon asked me a few questions, and requesting to be sent for +during my next fit, left me alone. + +I was, of course, on my guard, and took care to have my attacks only +during his absence, or to have them over before he arrived. At length, +one morning, in spite of my care, he chanced to enter the ward as I fell +on the floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in strong convulsions. +Presently I felt a finger on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the +surgeon standing beside me. To escape his scrutiny I became more violent +in my motions. He stopped a moment and looked at me steadily. "Poor +fellow!" said he, to my great relief, as I felt at once that I had +successfully deceived him. Then he turned to the ward doctor and +remarked: "Take care he does not hurt his head against the bed; and, by +the by, doctor, do you remember the test we applied in Carstairs's +case? Just tickle the soles of his feet and see if it will cause those +backward spasms of the head." + +The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, I jerked my head backward as +hard as I could. + +"That will answer," said the surgeon, to my horror. "A clever rogue. +Send him to the guard-house." + +Happy had I been had my ill luck ended here, but as I crossed the yard +an officer stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain of my old Rhode +Island company. + +"Hello!" said he; "keep that fellow safe. I know him." + +To cut short a long story, I was tried, convicted, and forced to refund +the Rhode Island bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank-book among +my papers. I was finally sent to Fort Delaware and kept at hard +labor, handling and carrying shot, policing the ground, picking up +cigar-stumps, and other light, unpleasant occupations. + +When the war was over I was released. I went at once to Boston, where I +had about four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly all of this sum +before I could satisfy the accumulated cravings of a year and a half +without drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I was about to engage in a +little business as a vender of lottery policies when I first began to +feel a strange sense of lassitude, which soon increased so as quite to +disable me from work of any kind. Month after month passed away, while +my money lessened, and this terrible sense of weariness went on from bad +to worse. At last one day, after nearly a year had elapsed, I perceived +on my face a large brown patch of color, in consequence of which I went +in some alarm to consult a well-known physician. He asked me a multitude +of tiresome questions, and at last wrote off a prescription, which I +immediately read. It was a preparation of arsenic. + +"What do you think," said I, "is the matter with me, doctor?" + +"I am afraid," said he, "that you have a very serious trouble--what we +call Addison's disease." + +"What's that?" said I. + +"I do not think you would comprehend it," he replied; "it is an +affection of the suprarenal capsules." + +I dimly remembered that there were such organs, and that nobody knew +what they were meant for. It seemed that doctors had found a use for +them at last. + +"Is it a dangerous disease?" I said. + +"I fear so," he answered. + +"Don't you really know," I asked, "what's the truth about it?" + +"Well," he returned gravely, "I'm sorry to tell you it is a very +dangerous malady." + +"Nonsense!" said I; "I don't believe it"; for I thought it was only a +doctor's trick, and one I had tried often enough myself. + +"Thank you," said he; "you are a very ill man, and a fool besides. Good +morning." He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not therefore find it +necessary to escape payment by telling him I was a doctor. + +Several weeks went by; my money was gone, my clothes were ragged, and, +like my body, nearly worn out, and now I am an inmate of a hospital. +To-day I feel weaker than when I first began to write. How it will end, +I do not know. If I die, the doctor will get this pleasant history, and +if I live, I shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little money I will +set out to look for my sister. I dreamed about her last night. What I +dreamed was not very agreeable. I thought it was night. I was walking up +one of the vilest streets near my old office, and a girl spoke to me--a +shameless, worn creature, with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, +"Brother, brother!" and then remembering what she had been, with her +round, girlish, innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what she was +now, I awoke and saw the dim light of the half-darkened ward. + +I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff has amused me and, I think, +done me good. That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I must tear up +all this biography. + +"Hello, nurse! The little boy--boy--" + + +"GOOD HEAVENS!" said the nurse, "he is dead! Dr. Alston said it would +happen this way. The screen, quick--the screen--and let the doctor +know." + + + + + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +The following notes of my own case have been declined on various +pretests by every medical journal to which I have offered them. There +was, perhaps, some reason in this, because many of the medical facts +which they record are not altogether new, and because the psychical +deductions to which they have led me are not in themselves of medical +interest. I ought to add that a great deal of what is here related is +not of any scientific value whatsoever; but as one or two people on +whose judgment I rely have advised me to print my narrative with all +the personal details, rather than in the dry shape in which, as a +psychological statement, I shall publish it elsewhere, I have yielded +to their views. I suspect, however, that the very character of my record +will, in the eyes of some of my readers, tend to lessen the value of the +metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + + +I am the son of a physician, still in large practice, in the village +of Abington, Scofield County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his future +partner, I studied medicine in his office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended +lectures at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. My second +course should have been in the following year, but the outbreak of the +Rebellion so crippled my father's means that I was forced to abandon my +intention. The demand for army surgeons at this time became very great; +and although not a graduate, I found no difficulty in getting the place +of assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana Volunteers. In the subsequent +Western campaigns this organization suffered so severely that before the +term of its service was over it was merged in the Twenty-first Indiana +Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, ranked by the medical officers +of the latter regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth Indiana +Cavalry. Like many physicians, I had contracted a strong taste for army +life, and, disliking cavalry service, sought and obtained the position +of first lieutenant in the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an infantry +regiment of excellent character. + +On the day after I assumed command of my company, which had no captain, +we were sent to garrison a part of a line of block-houses stretching +along the Cumberland River below Nashville, then occupied by a portion +of the command of General Rosecrans. + +The life we led while on this duty was tedious and at the same time +dangerous in the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the water horrible, +and we had no cavalry to forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted to +levy supplies upon the scattered farms around us, the population +seemed suddenly to double, and in the shape of guerrillas "potted" us +industriously from behind distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these +various and unpleasant influences, combined with a fair infusion of +malaria, our men rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, no +proper medical supplies had been forwarded with our small force +(two companies), and, as the fall advanced, the want of quinine and +stimulants became a serious annoyance. Moreover, our rations were +running low; we had been three weeks without a new supply; and our +commanding officer, Major Henry L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as to +the safety of his men. About this time it was supposed that a train with +rations would be due from the post twenty miles to the north of us; yet +it was quite possible that it would bring us food, but no medicines, +which were what we most needed. The command was too small to detach any +part of it, and the major therefore resolved to send an officer alone to +the post above us, where the rest of the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence +they could easily forward quinine and stimulants by the train, if it had +not left, or, if it had, by a small cavalry escort. + +It so happened, to my cost, as it turned out, that I was the only +officer fit to make the journey, and I was accordingly ordered to +proceed to Blockhouse No. 3 and make the required arrangements. I +started alone just after dusk the next night, and during the darkness +succeeded in getting within three miles of my destination. At this time +I found that I had lost my way, and, although aware of the danger of my +act, was forced to turn aside and ask at a log cabin for directions. The +house contained a dried-up old woman and four white-headed, half-naked +children. The woman was either stone-deaf or pretended to be so; but, at +all events, she gave me no satisfaction, and I remounted and rode away. +On coming to the end of a lane, into which I had turned to seek the +cabin, I found to my surprise that the bars had been put up during my +brief parley. They were too high to leap, and I therefore dismounted to +pull them down. As I touched the top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the +same instant felt a blow on both arms, which fell helpless. I staggered +to my horse and tried to mount; but, as I could use neither arm, the +effort was vain, and I therefore stood still, awaiting my fate. I am +only conscious that I saw about me several graybacks, for I must have +fallen fainting almost immediately. + +When I awoke I was lying in the cabin near by, upon a pile of rubbish. +Ten or twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, apparently +drawing lots for my watch, boots, hat, etc. I now made an effort to find +out how far I was hurt. I discovered that I could use the left forearm +and hand pretty well, and with this hand I felt the right limb all +over until I touched the wound. The ball had passed from left to right +through the left biceps, and directly through the right arm just below +the shoulder, emerging behind. The right arm and forearm were cold and +perfectly insensible. I pinched them as well as I could, to test the +amount of sensation remaining; but the hand might as well have been that +of a dead man. I began to understand that the nerves had been wounded, +and that the part was utterly powerless. By this time my friends had +pretty well divided the spoils, and, rising together, went out. The old +woman then came to me, and said: "Reckon you'd best git up. They-'uns +is a-goin' to take you away." To this I only answered, "Water, water." +I had a grim sense of amusement on finding that the old woman was not +deaf, for she went out, and presently came back with a gourdful, which I +eagerly drank. An hour later the graybacks returned, and finding that +I was too weak to walk, carried me out and laid me on the bottom of +a common cart, with which they set off on a trot. The jolting was +horrible, but within an hour I began to have in my dead right hand a +strange burning, which was rather a relief to me. It increased as the +sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt as if the hand was caught +and pinched in a red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged my guard for +water to wet it with, but for some reason they desired silence, and at +every noise threatened me with a revolver. At length the pain became +absolutely unendurable, and I grew what it is the fashion to call +demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled in my torture, until, as +I suppose, my captors became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a +handkerchief,--my own, I fancy,--and a canteen of water, with which I +wetted the hand, to my unspeakable relief. + +It is unnecessary to detail the events by which, finally, I found myself +in one of the rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the first time, my +wounds were properly cleansed and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, +who treated me throughout with great kindness. I told him I had been a +doctor, which, perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the unusual +tenderness with which I was managed. The left arm was now quite easy, +although, as will be seen, it never entirely healed. The right arm was +worse than ever--the humerus broken, the nerves wounded, and the hand +alive only to pain. I use this phrase because it is connected in my +mind with a visit from a local visitor,--I am not sure he was a +preacher,--who used to go daily through the wards, and talk to us or +write our letters. One morning he stopped at my bed, when this little +talk occurred: + +"How are you, lieutenant?" + +"Oh," said I, "as usual. All right, but this hand, which is dead except +to pain." + +"Ah," said he, "such and thus will the wicked be--such will you be if +you die in your sins: you will go where only pain can be felt. For all +eternity, all of you will be just like that hand--knowing pain only." + +I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I felt a sudden and chilling +horror of possible universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When I awoke +the hand was worse, if that could be. It was red, shining, aching, +burning, and, as it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot files. +When the doctor came I begged for morphia. He said gravely: "We have +none. You know you don't allow it to pass the lines." It was sadly true. + +I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand again, my sole relief. In +about an hour Dr. Wilson came back with two aids, and explained to me +that the bone was so crushed as to make it hopeless to save it, and +that, besides, amputation offered some chance of arresting the pain. +I had thought of this before, but the anguish I felt--I cannot say +endured--was so awful that I made no more of losing the limb than +of parting with a tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, brief +preparations were made, which I watched with a sort of eagerness such as +must forever be inexplicable to any one who has not passed six weeks of +torture like that which I had suffered. + +I had but one pang before the operation. As I arranged myself on the +left side, so as to make it convenient for the operator to use the +knife, I asked: "Who is to give me the ether?" "We have none," said the +person questioned. I set my teeth, and said no more. + +I need not describe the operation. The pain felt was severe, but it was +insignificant as compared with that of any other minute of the past +six weeks. The limb was removed very near to the shoulder-joint. As the +second incision was made, I felt a strange flash of pain play through +the limb, as if it were in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was +followed by instant, unspeakable relief, and before the flaps were +brought together I was sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as I +pointed to the arm which lay on the floor: "There is the pain, and here +am I. How queer!" Then I slept--slept the sleep of the just, or, better, +of the painless. From this time forward I was free from neuralgia. At a +subsequent period I saw a number of cases similar to mine in a hospital +in Philadelphia. + +It is no part of my plan to detail my weary months of monotonous prison +life in the South. In the early part of April, 1863, I was exchanged, +and after the usual thirty days' furlough returned to my regiment a +captain. + +On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred the battle of Chickamauga, in +which my regiment took a conspicuous part. The close of our own share +in this contest is, as it were, burned into my memory with every least +detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found ourselves in line, under +cover of a long, thin row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a gentle +slope, from which, again, rose a hill rather more abrupt, and crowned +with an earthwork. We received orders to cross this space and take the +fort in front, while a brigade on our right was to make a like movement +on its flank. + +Just before we emerged into the open ground, we noticed what, I think, +was common in many fights--that the enemy had begun to bowl round shot +at us, probably from failure of shell. We passed across the valley in +good order, although the men fell rapidly all along the line. As we +climbed the hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew heavier. At +this moment a battery opened on our left, the shots crossing our heads +obliquely. It is this moment which is so printed on my recollection. +I can see now, as if through a window, the gray smoke, lit with red +flashes, the long, wavering line, the sky blue above, the trodden +furrows, blotted with blue blouses. Then it was as if the window closed, +and I knew and saw no more. No other scene in my life is thus scarred, +if I may say so, into my memory. I have a fancy that the horrible shock +which suddenly fell upon me must have had something to do with thus +intensifying the momentary image then before my eyes. + +When I awakened, I was lying under a tree somewhere at the rear. +The ground was covered with wounded, and the doctors were busy at an +operating-table, improvised from two barrels and a plank. At length two +of them who were examining the wounded about me came up to where I lay. +A hospital steward raised my head and poured down some brandy and water, +while another cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors exchanged looks and +walked away. I asked the steward where I was hit. + +"Both thighs," said he; "the doctors won't do nothing." + +"No use?" said I. + +"Not much," said he. + +"Not much means none at all," I answered. + +When he had gone I set myself to thinking about a good many things I had +better have thought of before, but which in no way concern the history +of my case. A half-hour went by. I had no pain, and did not get weaker. +At last, I cannot explain why, I began to look about me. At first things +appeared a little hazy. I remember one thing which thrilled me a little, +even then. + +A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to a doctor near me, saying, "When +you've a little leisure, just take a look at my side." + +"Do it now," said the doctor. + +The officer exposed his wound. "Ball went in here, and out there." + +The doctor looked up at him--half pity, half amazement. "If you've got +any message, you'd best send it by me." + +"Why, you don't say it's serious?" was the reply. + +"Serious! Why, you're shot through the stomach. You won't live over the +day." + +Then the man did what struck me as a very odd thing. He said, "Anybody +got a pipe?" Some one gave him a pipe. He filled it deliberately, struck +a light with a flint, and sat down against a tree near to me. Presently +the doctor came to him again, and asked him what he could do for him. + +"Send me a drink of Bourbon." + +"Anything else?" + +"No." + +As the doctor left him, he called him back. "It's a little rough, doc, +isn't it?" + +No more passed, and I saw this man no longer. Another set of doctors +were handling my legs, for the first time causing pain. A moment after +a steward put a towel over my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of +chloroform, which I was glad enough to breathe. In a moment the trees +began to move around from left to right, faster and faster; then a +universal grayness came before me,--and I recall nothing further until I +awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. I got hold of my own identity +in a moment or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp cramp in my left +leg. I tried to get at it to rub it with my single arm, but, finding +myself too weak, hailed an attendant. "Just rub my left calf," said I, +"if you please." + +"Calf?" said he. "You ain't none. It's took off." + +"I know better," said I. "I have pain in both legs." + +"Wall, I never!" said he. "You ain't got nary leg." + +As I did not believe him, he threw off the covers, and, to my horror, +showed me that I had suffered amputation of both thighs, very high up. + +"That will do," said I, faintly. + +A month later, to the amazement of every one, I was so well as to be +moved from the crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, where +I filled one of the ten thousand beds of that vast metropolis of +hospitals. Of the sufferings which then began I shall presently speak. +It will be best just now to detail the final misfortune which here fell +upon me. Hospital No. 2, in which I lay, was inconveniently crowded with +severely wounded officers. After my third week an epidemic of hospital +gangrene broke out in my ward. In three days it attacked twenty persons. +Then an inspector came, and we were transferred at once to the open air, +and placed in tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my remaining arm, +which still suppurated, was seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, +bromine, was used locally, but the main artery opened, was tied, bled +again and again, and at last, as a final resort, the remaining arm was +amputated at the shoulder-joint. Against all chances I recovered, to +find myself a useless torso, more like some strange larval creature than +anything of human shape. Of my anguish and horror of myself I dare not +speak. I have dictated these pages, not to shock my readers, but to +possess them with facts in regard to the relation of the mind to the +body; and I hasten, therefore, to such portions of my case as best +illustrate these views. + +In January, 1864, I was forwarded to Philadelphia, in order to enter +what was known as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in charge +of Dr. Hopkinson. This favor was obtained through the influence of my +father's friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has always manifested +an interest in my case, for which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, +at the time, that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, might be able to adapt some +form of arm to my left shoulder, as on that side there remained five +inches of the arm-bone, which I could move to a moderate extent. The +hope proved illusory, as the stump was always too tender to bear any +pressure. The hospital referred to was in charge of several surgeons +while I was an inmate, and was at all times a clean and pleasant home. +It was filled with men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of each, as +happened now and then. I saw one man who had lost both legs, and one +who had parted with both arms; but none, like myself, stripped of every +limb. There were collected in this place hundreds of these cases, which +gave to it, with reason enough, the not very pleasing title of Stump +Hospital. + +I spent here three and a half months, before my transfer to the United +States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the Nervous System. +Every morning I was carried out in an arm-chair and placed in the +library, where some one was always ready to write or read for me, or to +fill my pipe. The doctors lent me medical books; the ladies brought me +luxuries and fed me; and, save that I was helpless to a degree which was +humiliating, I was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + +I amused myself at this time by noting in my mind all that I could learn +from other limbless folk, and from myself, as to the peculiar feelings +which were noticed in regard to lost members. I found that the great +mass of men who had undergone amputations for many months felt the usual +consciousness that they still had the lost limb. It itched or pained, or +was cramped, but never felt hot or cold. If they had painful sensations +referred to it, the conviction of its existence continued unaltered +for long periods; but where no pain was felt in it, then by degrees the +sense of having that limb faded away entirely. I think we may to some +extent explain this. The knowledge we possess of any part is made up +of the numberless impressions from without which affect its sensitive +surfaces, and which are transmitted through its nerves to the spinal +nerve-cells, and through them, again, to the brain. We are thus kept +endlessly informed as to the existence of parts, because the impressions +which reach the brain are, by a law of our being, referred by us to +the part from which they come. Now, when the part is cut off, the +nerve-trunks which led to it and from it, remaining capable of being +impressed by irritations, are made to convey to the brain from the stump +impressions which are, as usual, referred by the brain to the lost parts +to which these nerve-threads belonged. In other words, the nerve is like +a bell-wire. You may pull it at any part of its course, and thus ring +the bell as well as if you pulled at the end of the wire; but, in any +case, the intelligent servant will refer the pull to the front door, +and obey it accordingly. The impressions made on the severed ends of +the nerve are due often to changes in the stump during healing, and +consequently cease when it has healed, so that finally, in a very +healthy stump, no such impressions arise; the brain ceases to correspond +with the lost leg, and, as les absents ont toujours tort, it is no +longer remembered or recognized. But in some cases, such as mine +proved at last to my sorrow, the ends of the nerves undergo a curious +alteration, and get to be enlarged and altered. This change, as I have +seen in my practice of medicine, sometimes passes up the nerves toward +the centers, and occasions a more or less constant irritation of the +nerve-fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually referred by +the brain to that part of the lost limb to which the affected nerve +belonged. This pain keeps the brain ever mindful of the missing part, +and, imperfectly at least, preserves to the man a consciousness of +possessing that which he has not. + +Where the pains come and go, as they do in certain cases, the subjective +sensations thus occasioned are very curious, since in such cases the +man loses and gains, and loses and regains, the consciousness of the +presence of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, "Now I feel my +thumb, now I feel my little finger." I should also add that nearly every +person who has lost an arm above the elbow feels as though the lost +member were bent at the elbow, and at times is vividly impressed with +the notion that his fingers are strongly flexed. + +Other persons present a peculiarity which I am at a loss to account for. +Where the leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as if the foot +were present, but as though the leg were shortened. Thus, if the thigh +has been taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at the knee; if the +arm, a hand seems to be at the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + +Before leaving Nashville I had begun to suffer the most acute pain in +my left hand, especially the little finger; and so perfect was the idea +which was thus kept up of the real presence of these missing parts that +I found it hard at times to believe them absent. Often at night I would +try with one lost hand to grope for the other. As, however, I had no +pain in the right arm, the sense of the existence of that limb gradually +disappeared, as did that of my legs also. + +Everything was done for my neuralgia which the doctors could think of; +and at length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as I have said, from +the Stump Hospital to the United States Army Hospital for Injuries +and Diseases of the Nervous System. It was a pleasant, suburban, +old-fashioned country-seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of +wooden, one-story wards, shaded by fine trees. There were some three +hundred cases of epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus's dance, and wounds of +nerves. On one side of me lay a poor fellow, a Dane, who had the same +burning neuralgia with which I once suffered, and which I now learned +was only too common. This man had become hysterical from pain. He +carried a sponge in his pocket, and a bottle of water in one hand, with +which he constantly wetted the burning hand. Every sound increased his +torture, and he even poured water into his boots to keep himself from +feeling too sensibly the rough friction of his soles when walking. Like +him, I was greatly eased by having small doses of morphia injected under +the skin of my shoulder with a hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + +As I improved under the morphia treatment, I began to be disturbed by +the horrible variety of suffering about me. One man walked sideways; +there was one who could not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. +In fact, every one had his own abnormal peculiarity. Near me was a +strange case of palsy of the muscles called rhomboids, whose office it +is to hold down the shoulder-blades flat on the back during the motions +of the arms, which, in themselves, were strong enough. When, however, he +lifted these members, the shoulder-blades stood out from the back like +wings, and got him the sobriquet of the "Angel." In my ward were also +the cases of fits, which very much annoyed me, as upon any great change +in the weather it was common to have a dozen convulsions in view at +once. Dr. Neek, one of our physicians, told me that on one occasion +a hundred and fifty fits took place within thirty-six hours. On my +complaining of these sights, whence I alone could not fly, I was placed +in the paralytic and wound ward, which I found much more pleasant. + +A month of skilful treatment eased me entirely of my aches, and I then +began to experience certain curious feelings, upon which, having nothing +to do and nothing to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. It was +a good while before I could correctly explain to my own satisfaction +the phenomena which at this time I was called upon to observe. By the +various operations already described I had lost about four fifths of my +weight. As a consequence of this I ate much less than usual, and could +scarcely have consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept also but little; +for, as sleep is the repose of the brain, made necessary by the waste +of its tissues during thought and voluntary movement, and as this latter +did not exist in my case, I needed only that rest which was necessary to +repair such exhaustion of the nerve-centers as was induced by thinking +and the automatic movements of the viscera. + +I observed at this time also that my heart, in place of beating, as it +once did, seventy-eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five times in +this interval--a fact to be easily explained by the perfect quiescence +to which I was reduced, and the consequent absence of that healthy and +constant stimulus to the muscles of the heart which exercise occasions. + +Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my physical health was good, which, I +confess, surprised me, for this among other reasons: It is said that a +burn of two thirds of the surface destroys life, because then all the +excretory matters which this portion of the glands of the skin evolved +are thrown upon the blood, and poison the man, just as happens in an +animal whose skin the physiologist has varnished, so as in this way to +destroy its function. Yet here was I, having lost at least a third of my +skin, and apparently none the worse for it. + +Still more remarkable, however, were the psychical changes which I +now began to perceive. I found to my horror that at times I was less +conscious of myself, of my own existence, than used to be the case. This +sensation was so novel that at first it quite bewildered me. I felt like +asking some one constantly if I were really George Dedlow or not; but, +well aware how absurd I should seem after such a question, I refrained +from speaking of my case, and strove more keenly to analyze my feelings. +At times the conviction of my want of being myself was overwhelming and +most painful. It was, as well as I can describe it, a deficiency in the +egoistic sentiment of individuality. About one half of the sensitive +surface of my skin was gone, and thus much of relation to the outer +world destroyed. As a consequence, a large part of the receptive central +organs must be out of employ, and, like other idle things, degenerating +rapidly. Moreover, all the great central ganglia, which give rise to +movements in the limbs, were also eternally at rest. Thus one half of me +was absent or functionally dead. This set me to thinking how much a man +might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy enough to survive, I might +part with my spleen at least, as many a dog has done, and grown fat +afterwards. The other organs with which we breathe and circulate the +blood would be essential; so also would the liver; but at least half of +the intestines might be dispensed with, and of course all of the limbs. +And as to the nervous system, the only parts really necessary to life +are a few small ganglia. Were the rest absent or inactive, we should +have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest terms, and leading an +almost vegetative existence. Would such a being, I asked myself, possess +the sense of individuality in its usual completeness, even if his organs +of sensation remained, and he were capable of consciousness? Of course, +without them, he could not have it any more than a dahlia or a tulip. +But with them--how then? I concluded that it would be at a minimum, +and that, if utter loss of relation to the outer world were capable of +destroying a man's consciousness of himself, the destruction of half +of his sensitive surfaces might well occasion, in a less degree, a like +result, and so diminish his sense of individual existence. + +I thus reached the conclusion that a man is not his brain, or any one +part of it, but all of his economy, and that to lose any part must +lessen this sense of his own existence. I found but one person who +properly appreciated this great truth. She was a New England lady, from +Hartford--an agent, I think, for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. +After I had told her my views and feelings she said: "Yes, I comprehend. +The fractional entities of vitality are embraced in the oneness of +the unitary Ego. Life," she added, "is the garnered condensation of +objective impressions; and as the objective is the remote father of the +subjective, so must individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, +suffer and fade when the sensation lenses, by which the rays of +impression are condensed, become destroyed." I am not quite clear that +I fully understood her, but I think she appreciated my ideas, and I felt +grateful for her kindly interest. + +The strange want I have spoken of now haunted and perplexed me so +constantly that I became moody and wretched. While in this state, a +man from a neighboring ward fell one morning into conversation with the +chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some of their words arrested my +attention, and I turned my head to see and listen. The speaker, who wore +a sergeant's chevron and carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely +made person, with a pale face, light eyes of a washed-out blue tint, and +very sparse yellow whiskers. His mouth was weak, both lips being almost +alike, so that the organ might have been turned upside down without +affecting its expression. His forehead, however, was high and thinly +covered with sandy hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, will +feeble; emotional, but not passionate; likely to be an enthusiast or a +weakly bigot. + +I caught enough of what passed to make me call to the sergeant when the +chaplain left him. + +"Good morning," said he. "How do you get on?" + +"Not at all," I replied. "Where were you hit?" + +"Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the shoulder. I have what the +doctors call paralysis of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. Neek and +the lightnin' battery will fix it. When my time's out I'll go back to +Kearsarge and try on the school-teaching again. I've done my share." + +"Well," said I, "you're better off than I." + +"Yes," he answered, "in more ways than one. I belong to the New Church. +It's a great comfort for a plain man like me, when he's weary and sick, +to be able to turn away from earthly things and hold converse daily with +the great and good who have left this here world. We have a circle in +Coates street. If it wa'n't for the consoling I get there, I'd of wished +myself dead many a time. I ain't got kith or kin on earth; but this +matters little, when one can just talk to them daily and know that they +are in the spheres above us." + +"It must be a great comfort," I replied, "if only one could believe it." + +"Believe!" he repeated. "How can you help it? Do you suppose anything +dies?" + +"No," I said. "The soul does not, I am sure; and as to matter, it merely +changes form." + +"But why, then," said he, "should not the dead soul talk to the living? +In space, no doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in finer, more +ethereal being. You can't suppose a naked soul moving about without a +bodily garment--no creed teaches that; and if its new clothing be of +like substance to ours, only of ethereal fineness,--a more delicate +recrystallization about the eternal spiritual nucleus,--must it not then +possess powers as much more delicate and refined as is the new material +in which it is reclad?" + +"Not very clear," I answered; "but, after all, the thing should be +susceptible of some form of proof to our present senses." + +"And so it is," said he. "Come to-morrow with me, and you shall see and +hear for yourself." + +"I will," said I, "if the doctor will lend me the ambulance." + +It was so arranged, as the surgeon in charge was kind enough, as usual, +to oblige me with the loan of his wagon, and two orderlies to lift my +useless trunk. + +On the day following I found myself, with my new comrade, in a house in +Coates street, where a "circle" was in the daily habit of meeting. So +soon as I had been comfortably deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large +pine table, the rest of those assembled seated themselves, and for some +time preserved an unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized +the persons present. Next to me, on my right, sat a flabby man, with +ill-marked, baggy features and injected eyes. He was, as I learned +afterwards, an eclectic doctor, who had tried his hand at medicine +and several of its quackish variations, finally settling down on +eclecticism, which I believe professes to be to scientific medicine what +vegetarianism is to common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next to him sat +a female-authoress, I think, of two somewhat feeble novels, and much +pleasanter to look at than her books. She was, I thought, a good deal +excited at the prospect of spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a +pallid, care-worn young woman, with very red lips, and large brown eyes +of great beauty. She was, as I learned afterwards, a magnetic patient of +the doctor, and had deserted her husband, a master mechanic, to follow +this new light. The others were, like myself, strangers brought hither +by mere curiosity. One of them was a lady in deep black, closely veiled. +Beyond her, and opposite to me, sat the sergeant, and next to him the +medium, a man named Brink. He wore a good deal of jewelry, and had large +black side-whiskers--a shrewd-visaged, large-nosed, full-lipped man, +formed by nature to appreciate the pleasant things of sensual existence. + +Before I had ended my survey, he turned to the lady in black, and asked +if she wished to see any one in the spirit-world. + +She said, "Yes," rather feebly. + +"Is the spirit present?" he asked. Upon which two knocks were heard in +affirmation. "Ah!" said the medium, "the name is--it is the name of a +child. It is a male child. It is--" + +"Alfred!" she cried. "Great Heaven! My child! My boy!" + +On this the medium arose, and became strangely convulsed. "I see," +he said--"I see--a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes--I see above you, +beyond you--" at the same time pointing fixedly over her head. + +She turned with a wild start. "Where--whereabouts?" + +"A blue-eyed boy," he continued, "over your head. He cries--he says, +'Mama, mama!'" + +The effect of this on the woman was unpleasant. She stared about her for +a moment, and exclaiming, "I come--I am coming, Alfy!" fell in hysterics +on the floor. + +Two or three persons raised her, and aided her into an adjoining room; +but the rest remained at the table, as though well accustomed to like +scenes. + +After this several of the strangers were called upon to write the names +of the dead with whom they wished to communicate. The names were spelled +out by the agency of affirmative knocks when the correct letters were +touched by the applicant, who was furnished with an alphabet-card upon +which he tapped the letters in turn, the medium, meanwhile, scanning his +face very keenly. With some, the names were readily made out. With one, +a stolid personage of disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at +last the spirits signified by knocks that he was a disturbing agency, +and that while he remained all our efforts would fail. Upon this some of +the company proposed that he should leave; of which invitation he took +advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole performance. + +As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and whispered to the medium, who +next addressed himself to me. "Sister Euphemia," he said, indicating the +lady with large eyes, "will act as your medium. I am unable to do more. +These things exhaust my nervous system." + +"Sister Euphemia," said the doctor, "will aid us. Think, if you please, +sir, of a spirit, and she will endeavor to summon it to our circle." + +Upon this a wild idea came into my head. I answered: "I am thinking as +you directed me to do." + +The medium sat with her arms folded, looking steadily at the center +of the table. For a few moments there was silence. Then a series of +irregular knocks began. "Are you present?" said the medium. + +The affirmative raps were twice given. + +"I should think," said the doctor, "that there were two spirits +present." + +His words sent a thrill through my heart. + +"Are there two?" he questioned. + +A double rap. + +"Yes, two," said the medium. "Will it please the spirits to make us +conscious of their names in this world?" + +A single knock. "No." + +"Will it please them to say how they are called in the world of +spirits?" + +Again came the irregular raps--3, 4, 8, 6; then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, 7. + +"I think," said the authoress, "they must be numbers. Will the spirits," +she said, "be good enough to aid us? Shall we use the alphabet?" + +"Yes," was rapped very quickly. + +"Are these numbers?" + +"Yes," again. + +"I will write them," she added, and, doing so, took up the card and +tapped the letters. The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran thus as she +tapped, in turn, first the letters, and last the numbers she had already +set down: + +"UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, Nos. 3486, 3487." + +The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + +"Good gracious!" said I, "they are MY LEGS--MY LEGS!" + +What followed, I ask no one to believe except those who, like myself, +have communed with the things of another sphere. Suddenly I felt a +strange return of my self-consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to +speak. A strange wonder filled me, and, to the amazement of every one, +I arose, and, staggering a little, walked across the room on limbs +invisible to them or me. It was no wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly +reflected, my legs had been nine months in the strongest alcohol. At +this instant all my new friends crowded around me in astonishment. +Presently, however, I felt myself sinking slowly. My legs were going, +and in a moment I was resting feebly on my two stumps upon the floor. It +was too much. All that was left of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + +I have little to add. I am now at home in the West, surrounded by every +form of kindness and every possible comfort; but alas! I have so +little surety of being myself that I doubt my own honesty in drawing +my pension, and feel absolved from gratitude to those who are kind to +a being who is uncertain of being enough himself to be conscientiously +responsible. It is needless to add that I am not a happy fraction of +a man, and that I am eager for the day when I shall rejoin the lost +members of my corporeal family in another and a happier world. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The +Case Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + +***** This file should be named 693.txt or 693.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/9/693/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. Binary files differdiff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c0c232 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #693 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/693) diff --git a/old/auqak10.txt b/old/auqak10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..28117c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/auqak10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4440 @@ +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack** + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +The Autobiography of a Quack + +S. Weir Mitchell, MD, LLD + +October, 1996 [Etext #693] + + +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack** +*****This file should be named auqak10.txt or auqak10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, auqak11.txt. +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, auqak10a.txt. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, for time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an +up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes +in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has +a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a +look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a +new copy has at least one byte more or less. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +fifty hours is one conservative estimate for how long it we take +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-two text +files per month: or 400 more Etexts in 1996 for a total of 800. +If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the +total should reach 80 billion Etexts. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by the December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000=Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only 10% of the present number of computer users. 2001 +should have at least twice as many computer users as that, so it +will require us reaching less than 5% of the users in 2001. + + +We need your donations more than ever! + + +All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/BU": and are +tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (BU = Benedictine +University). (Subscriptions to our paper newsletter go to BU.) + +For these and other matters, please mail to: + +Project Gutenberg +P. O. Box 2782 +Champaign, IL 61825 + +When all other email fails try our Executive Director: +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +We would prefer to send you this information by email +(Internet, Bitnet, Compuserve, ATTMAIL or MCImail). + +****** +If you have an FTP program (or emulator), please +FTP directly to the Project Gutenberg archives: +[Mac users, do NOT point and click. . .type] + +ftp uiarchive.cso.uiuc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd etext/etext90 through /etext96 +or cd etext/articles [get suggest gut for more information] +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET INDEX?00.GUT +for a list of books +and +GET NEW GUT for general information +and +MGET GUT* for newsletters. + +**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** +(Three Pages) + + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- +tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor +Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at +Benedictine University (the "Project"). Among other +things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + net profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Benedictine University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +donated by Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK +AND +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +BY +S. WEIR MITCHELL, M.D., +LL.D. HARVARD AND EDINBURGH + + + + +CONTENTS + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +Both of the tales in this little volume +appeared originally in the ``Atlantic Monthly'' +as anonymous contributions. I owe to the +present owners of that journal permission to +use them. ``The Autobiography of a Quack '' +has been recast with large additions. + +``The Case of George Dedlow'' was not +written with any intention that it should +appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the +Rev. Dr. Furness and forgot it. This gentleman +sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett Hale. +He, presuming, I fancy, that every one +desired to appear in the ``Atlantic,'' offered it +to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards +I received a proof and a check. The +story was inserted as a leading article without +my name. It was at once accepted by many +as the description of a real case. Money was +collected in several places to assist the +unfortunate man, and benevolent persons went +to the ``Stump Hospital,'' in Philadelphia, to +see the sufferer and to offer him aid. The +spiritual incident at the end of the story was +received with joy by the spiritualists as a +valuable proof of the truth of their beliefs. + S. WEIR MITCHELL + + + +THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + +At this present moment of time +I am what the doctors call an +interesting case, and am to be +found in bed No. 10, Ward +11, Massachusetts General +Hospital. I am told that I have what is called +Addison's disease, and that it is this pleasing +malady which causes me to be covered with +large blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, +it is a rather grim subject to joke about, +because, if I believed the doctor who comes +around every day, and thumps me, and listens +to my chest with as much pleasure as if I +were music all through--I say, if I really +believed him, I should suppose I was going to +die. The fact is, I don't believe him at all. +Some of these days I shall take a turn and +get about again; but meanwhile it is rather +dull for a stirring, active person like me to +have to lie still and watch myself getting big +brown and yellow spots all over me, like a +map that has taken to growing. + +The man on my right has consumption +--smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs all +night. The man on my left is a down-easter +with a liver which has struck work; looks +like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives +to whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he +does, I can't understand. I have tried reading +and tried whittling, but they don't either of +them satisfy me, so that yesterday I concluded +to ask the doctor if he couldn't suggest some +other amusement. + +I waited until he had gone through the +ward, and then seized my chance, and asked +him to stop a moment. + +``Well, my man,'' said he, ``what do you +want!'' + +I thought him rather disrespectful, but I +replied, ``Something to do, doctor.'' + +He thought a little, and then said: ``I'll +tell you what to do. I think if you were to +write out a plain account of your life it +would be pretty well worth reading. If half +of what you told me last week be true, you +must be about as clever a scamp as there is +to be met with. I suppose you would just +as lief put it on paper as talk it.'' + +``Pretty nearly,'' said I. ``I think I will +try it, doctor.'' + +After he left I lay awhile thinking over +the matter. I knew well that I was what the +world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I +had got little good out of the fact. If a man +is what people call virtuous, and fails in life, +he gets credit at least for the virtue; but +when a man is a--is--well, one of liberal +views, and breaks down, somehow or other +people don't credit him with even the +intelligence he has put into the business. This +I call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction +the energy and skill with which I did +my work, I should be nothing but disgusted +at the melancholy spectacle of my failure. +I suppose that I shall at least find occupation +in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore, +for my own satisfaction, I shall try to +amuse my convalescence by writing a plain, +straightforward account of the life I have +led, and the various devices by which I have +sought to get my share of the money of my +countrymen. It does appear to me that I +have had no end of bad luck. + +As no one will ever see these pages, I find it +pleasant to recall for my own satisfaction the +fact that I am really a very remarkable man. +I am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five +feet eleven, with a lot of curly red hair, and +blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another +unusual thing. My hands have often been +noticed. I get them from my mother, who was +a Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, +he was rather common. He was a little man, +red and round like an apple, but very strong, +for a reason I shall come to presently. The +family must have had a pious liking for Bible +names, because he was called Zebulon, my +sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not +a name for a gentleman. At one time I +thought of changing it, but I got over it +by signing myself ``E. Sanderaft.'' + +Where my father was born I do not know, +except that it was somewhere in New Jersey, +for I remember that he was once angry +because a man called him a Jersey Spaniard. +I am not much concerned to write about my +people, because I soon got above their level; +and as to my mother, she died when I was +an infant. I get my manners, which are +rather remarkable, from her. + +My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept +house for us, was a queer character. She +had a snug little property, about seven +thousand dollars. An old aunt left her the money +because she was stone-deaf. As this defect +came upon her after she grew up, she still +kept her voice. This woman was the cause +of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she +is uncomfortable, wherever she is. I think +with satisfaction that I helped to make her +life uneasy when I was young, and worse +later on. She gave away to the idle poor +some of her small income, and hid the rest, +like a magpie, in her Bible or rolled in her +stockings, or in even queerer places. The +worst of her was that she could tell what +people said by looking at their lips; this I +hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, +her ways of hiding her money proved useful, +to me at least. As to Peninnah, she was +nothing special until she suddenly bloomed +out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to +ribbons, and liked what she called ``keeping +company.'' She ran errands for every one, +waited on my aunt, and thought I was a +wonderful person--as indeed I was. I never +could understand her fondness for helping +everybody. A fellow has got himself to +think about, and that is quite enough. I +was told pretty often that I was the most +selfish boy alive. But, then, I am an +unusual person, and there are several names +for things. + +My father kept a small shop for the sale +of legal stationery and the like, on Fifth +street north of Chestnut. But his chief +interest in life lay in the bell-ringing of +Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and +the whole business was in the hands of a +kind of guild which is nearly as old as the +church. I used to hear more of it than I +liked, because my father talked of nothing +else. But I do not mean to bore myself +writing of bells. I heard too much about +``back shake,'' ``raising in peal,'' ``scales,'' +and ``touches,'' and the Lord knows what. + +My earliest remembrance is of sitting on +my father's shoulder when he led off the +ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by +reason of this exercise. With one foot +caught in a loop of leather nailed to the +floor, he would begin to pull No. 1, and by +and by the whole peal would be swinging, +and he going up and down, to my joy; I used +to feel as if it was I that was making the +great noise that rang out all over the town. +My familiar acquaintance with the old church +and its lumber-rooms, where were stored the +dusty arms of William and Mary and George +II., proved of use in my later days. + +My father had a strong belief in my +talents, and I do not think he was mistaken. +As he was quite uneducated, he determined +that I should not be. He had saved enough +to send me to Princeton College, and when I +was about fifteen I was set free from the +public schools. I never liked them. The last +I was at was the high school. As I had to +come down-town to get home, we used to +meet on Arch street the boys from the +grammar-school of the university, and there +were fights every week. In winter these +were most frequent, because of the snow- +balling. A fellow had to take his share or be +marked as a deserter. I never saw any +personal good to be had out of a fight, but it +was better to fight than to be cobbed. That +means that two fellows hold you, and the +other fellows kick you with their bent knees. +It hurts. + +I find just here that I am describing a +thing as if I were writing for some other +people to see. I may as well go on that way. +After all, a man never can quite stand off +and look at himself as if he was the only +person concerned. He must have an audience, +or make believe to have one, even if it +is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I +be unwilling, if it were safe, to let people +see how great ability may be defeated by the +crankiness of fortune. + +I may add here that a stone inside of a +snowball discourages the fellow it hits. But +neither our fellows nor the grammar-school +used stones in snowballs. I rather liked it. +If we had a row in the springtime we all +threw stones, and here was one of those bits +of stupid custom no man can understand; +because really a stone outside of a snowball +is much more serious than if it is mercifully +padded with snow. I felt it to be a +rise in life when I got out of the society of the +common boys who attended the high school. + +When I was there a man by the name of +Dallas Bache was the head master. He had a +way of letting the boys attend to what he called +the character of the school. Once I had to +lie to him about taking another boy's ball. +He told my class that I had denied the charge, +and that he always took it for granted that a +boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough +what would happen. It did. After that I +was careful. + +Princeton was then a little college, not +expensive, which was very well, as my father +had some difficulty to provide even the +moderate amount needed. + +I soon found that if I was to associate with +the upper set of young men I needed money. +For some time I waited in vain. But in my +second year I discovered a small gold-mine, on +which I drew with a moderation which shows +even thus early the strength of my character. + +I used to go home once a month for a +Sunday visit, and on these occasions I was often +able to remove from my aunt's big Bible a +five- or ten-dollar note, which otherwise would +have been long useless. + +Now and then I utilized my opportunities +at Princeton. I very much desired certain +things like well-made clothes, and for these +I had to run in debt to a tailor. When he +wanted pay, and threatened to send the bill +to my father, I borrowed from two or three +young Southerners; but at last, when they +became hard up, my aunt's uncounted hoard +proved a last resource, or some rare chance +in a neighboring room helped me out. I +never did look on this method as of permanent +usefulness, and it was only the temporary +folly of youth. + +Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, +I took no large amount of education, +although I was fond of reading, and especially +of novels, which are, I think, very +instructive to the young, especially the novels +of Smollett and Fielding. + +There is, however, little need to dwell on +this part of my life. College students in +those days were only boys, and boys are very +strange animals. They have instincts. They +somehow get to know if a fellow does not +relate facts as they took place. I like to put +it that way, because, after all, the mode of +putting things is only one of the forms of +self-defense, and is less silly than the +ordinary wriggling methods which boys employ, +and which are generally useless. I was rather +given to telling large stories just for the fun +of it and, I think, told them well. But somehow +I got the reputation of not being strictly +definite, and when it was meant to indicate +this belief they had an ill-mannered way of +informing you. This consisted in two or +three fellows standing up and shuffling noisily +with their feet on the floor. When first I +heard this I asked innocently what it meant, +and was told it was the noise of the bearers' +feet coming to take away Ananias. This was +considered a fine joke. + +During my junior year I became unpopular, +and as I was very cautious, I cannot see +why. At last, being hard up, I got to be +foolishly reckless. But why dwell on the +failures of immaturity? + +The causes which led to my leaving Nassau +Hall were not, after all, the mischievous +outbreaks in which college lads indulge. +Indeed, I have never been guilty of any of +those pieces of wanton wickedness which +injure the feelings of others while they lead +to no useful result. When I left to return +home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon +the necessity of greater care in following out +my inclinations, and from that time forward +I have steadily avoided, whenever it was +possible, the vulgar vice of directly possessing +myself of objects to which I could show no +legal title. My father was indignant at the +results of my college career; and, according +to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had some +effect in shortening his life. My sister +believed my account of the matter. It ended +in my being used for a year as an assistant +in the shop, and in being taught to ring bells +--a fine exercise, but not proper work for a +man of refinement. My father died while +training his bell-ringers in the Oxford triple +bob--broke a blood-vessel somewhere. How +I could have caused that I do not see. + +I was now about nineteen years old, and, +as I remember, a middle-sized, well-built +young fellow, with large eyes, a slight +mustache, and, I have been told, with very good +manners and a somewhat humorous turn. +Besides these advantages, my guardian held +in trust for me about two thousand dollars. +After some consultation between us, it was +resolved that I should study medicine. This +conclusion was reached nine years before the +Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, +for the sake of economy, in Woodbury, +New Jersey. From this time I saw very little +of my deaf aunt or of Peninnah. I was resolute +to rise in the world, and not to be weighted +by relatives who were without my tastes and +my manners. + +I set out for Philadelphia, with many good +counsels from my aunt and guardian. I look +back upon this period as a turning-point of +my life. I had seen enough of the world +already to know that if you can succeed +without exciting suspicion, it is by far the +pleasantest way; and I really believe that +if I had not been endowed with so fatal a +liking for all the good things of life I might +have lived along as reputably as most men. +This, however, is, and always has been, my +difficulty, and I suppose that I am not +responsible for the incidents to which it gave +rise. Most men have some ties in life, but I +have said I had none which held me. Peninnah +cried a good deal when we parted, and +this, I think, as I was still young, had a very +good effect in strengthening my resolution to +do nothing which could get me into trouble. +The janitor of the college to which I went +directed me to a boarding-house, where I +engaged a small third-story room, which I +afterwards shared with Mr. Chaucer of Georgia. +He pronounced it, as I remember, ``Jawjah.'' + +In this very remarkable abode I spent the +next two winters, and finally graduated, +along with two hundred more, at the close +of my two years of study. I should previously +have been one year in a physician's +office as a student, but this regulation was +very easily evaded. As to my studies, the +less said the better. I attended the quizzes, +as they call them, pretty closely, and, being +of a quick and retentive memory, was thus +enabled to dispense with some of the six or +seven lectures a day which duller men found +it necessary to follow. + +Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty +business for a gentleman, and on this +account I did just as little as was absolutely +essential. In fact, if a man took his tickets +and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled +himself as to whether or not he did any more +than this. A like evil existed at the +graduation: whether you squeezed through or +passed with credit was a thing which was +not made public, so that I had absolutely +nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told +that it is all very different to-day. + +The astonishment with which I learned of +my success was shared by the numerous +Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors +and perfumed with tobacco the rooms of our +boarding-house. In my companions, during +the time of my studies so called, as in other +matters of life, I was somewhat unfortunate. +All of them were Southern gentlemen, with +more money than I had. Many of them carried +great sticks, usually sword-canes, and +some bowie-knives or pistols; also, they +delighted in swallow-tailed coats, long hair, +broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight +boots. I often think of these gentlemen +with affectionate interest, and wonder how +many are lying under the wheat-fields of +Virginia. One could see them any day +sauntering along with their arms over their +companions' shoulders, splendidly indifferent to +the ways of the people about them. They +hated the ``Nawth'' and cursed the Yankees, +and honestly believed that the leanest of +them was a match for any half a dozen of +the bulkiest of Northerners. I must also do +them the justice to say that they were quite +as ready to fight as to brag, which, by the +way, is no meager statement. With these +gentry--for whom I retain a respect which +filled me with regret at the recent course of +events--I spent a good deal of my large +leisure. The more studious of both sections +called us a hard crowd. What we did, or +how we did it, little concerns me here, except +that, owing to my esteem for chivalric blood +and breeding, I was led into many practices +and excesses which cost my guardian and +myself a good deal of money. At the close +of my career as a student I found myself aged +twenty-one years, and the owner of some +seven hundred dollars--the rest of my small +estate having disappeared variously within +the last two years. After my friends had +gone to their homes in the South I began to +look about me for an office, and finally settled +upon very good rooms in one of the down- +town localities of the Quaker City. I am not +specific as to the number and street, for +reasons which may hereafter appear. I liked +the situation on various accounts. It had +been occupied by a doctor; the terms were +reasonable; and it lay on the skirts of a +good neighborhood, while below it lived a +motley population, among which I expected +to get my first patients and such fees as were +to be had. Into this new home I moved my +medical text-books, a few bones, and myself. +Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, +upon which was distinctly to be read: + + DR. E. SANDERAFT. + Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + + +I felt now that I had done my fair share +toward attaining a virtuous subsistence, and +so I waited tranquilly, and without undue +enthusiasm, to see the rest of the world do +its part in the matter. Meanwhile I read up +on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at +home all through my office hours, and at +intervals explored the strange section of the +town which lay to the south of my office. I +do not suppose there is anything like it else +where. It was then filled with grog-shops, +brothels, slop-shops, and low lodging-houses. +You could dine for a penny on soup made +from the refuse meats of the rich, gathered +at back gates by a horde of half-naked children, +who all told varieties of one woeful +tale. Here, too, you could be drunk for five +cents, and be lodged for three, with men, +women, and children of all colors lying about +you. It was this hideous mixture of black +and white and yellow wretchedness which +made the place so peculiar. The blacks +predominated, and had mostly that swollen, +reddish, dark skin, the sign in this race of +habitual drunkenness. Of course only the +lowest whites were here--rag-pickers, +pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, and the +like. All of this, as it came before me, I +viewed with mingled disgust and philosophy. +I hated filth, but I understood that society +has to stand on somebody, and I was only +glad that I was not one of the undermost +and worst-squeezed bricks. + +I can hardly believe that I waited a month +without having been called upon by a single +patient. At last a policeman on our beat +brought me a fancy man with a dog-bite. +This patient recommended me to his brother, +the keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and +by very slow degrees I began to get stray +patients who were too poor to indulge in up- +town doctors. I found the police very useful +acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar +now and then, I got most of the cases of cut +heads and the like at the next station-house. +These, however, were the aristocrats of my +practice; the bulk of my patients were soap- +fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, hose-house +bummers, and worse, with other and nameless +trades, men and women, white, black, +or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, +and quarters with which I was reluctantly +paid, I do not know; that, indeed, was none +of my business. They expected to pay, +and they came to me in preference to the +dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, +who seemed to me to spend most of his days +in the lanes and alleys about us. Of course +he received no pay except experience, since +the dispensaries in the Quaker City, as a +rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; +and the vilest of the poor prefer a ``pay +doctor'' to one of these disinterested gentlemen, +who cannot be expected to give their +best brains for nothing, when at everybody's +beck and call. I am told, indeed I know, +that most young doctors do a large amount +of poor practice, as it is called; but, for my +own part, I think it better for both parties +when the doctor insists upon some compensation +being made to him. This has been +usually my own custom, and I have not found +reason to regret it. + +Notwithstanding my strict attention to my +own interests, I have been rather sorely dealt +with by fate upon several occasions, where, +so far as I could see, I was vigilantly doing +everything in my power to keep myself out +of trouble or danger. I may as well relate +one of them, merely to illustrate of how little +value a man's intellect may be when fate and +the prejudices of the mass of men are against +him. + +One evening, late, I myself answered a ring +at the bell, and found a small black boy on +the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, +curled darkness for hair, and teeth like new +tombstones. It was pretty cold, and he was +relieving his feet by standing first on one +and then on the other. He did not wait for +me to speak. + +``Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come +quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 Bedford +street.'' + +The locality did not look like pay, but +it is hard to say in this quarter, because +sometimes you found a well-to-do ``brandy- +snifter'' (local for gin-shop) or a hard-working +``leather-jeweler'' (ditto for shoemaker), with +next door, in a house better or worse, dozens +of human rats for whom every police trap in +the city was constantly set. + +With a doubt in my mind as to whether I +should find a good patient or some dirty nigger, +I sought the place to which I had been +directed. I did not like its looks; but I +blundered up an alley and into a back room, +where I fell over somebody, and was cursed +and told to lie down and keep easy, or +somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would +make me. At last I lit on a staircase which +led into the alley, and, after much useless +inquiry, got as high as the garret. People +hereabout did not know one another, or did not +want to know, so that it was of little avail +to ask questions. At length I saw a light +through the cracks in the attic door, and +walked in. To my amazement, the first person +I saw was a woman of about thirty-five, +in pearl-gray Quaker dress--one of your +quiet, good-looking people. She was seated +on a stool beside a straw mattress upon +which lay a black woman. There were three +others crowded close around a small stove, +which was red-hot--an unusual spectacle in +this street. Altogether a most nasty den. + +As I came in, the little Quaker woman got +up and said: ``I took the liberty of sending +for thee to look at this poor woman. I am +afraid she has the smallpox. Will thee be so +kind as to look at her?'' And with this she +held down the candle toward the bed. + +``Good gracious!'' I said hastily, seeing +how the creature was speckled ``I didn't +understand this, or I would not have come. +I have important cases which I cannot subject +to the risk of contagion. Best let her +alone, miss,'' I added, ``or send her to the +smallpox hospital.'' + +Upon my word, I was astonished at the +little woman's indignation. She said just +those things which make you feel as if somebody +had been calling you names or kicking +you--Was I really a doctor? and so on. It +did not gain by being put in the +ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. However, I +never did fancy smallpox, and what could a +fellow get by doctoring wretches like these? +So I held my tongue and went away. About +a week afterwards I met Evans, the dispensary +man, a very common fellow, who was +said to be frank. + +``Helloa!'' says he. ``Doctor, you made a +nice mistake about that darky at No. 709 +Bedford street the other night. She had +nothing but measles, after all.'' + +``Of course I knew,'' said I, laughing; ``but +you don't think I was going in for dispensary +trash, do you?'' + +``I should think not,'' said Evans. + +I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker +had taken an absurd fancy to the man +because he had doctored the darky and would +not let the Quakeress pay him. The end +was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the +Southwark Dispensary, where they do pay +the doctors, Miss Barker was malignant +enough to take advantage of my oversight +by telling the whole story to the board; so +that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + +You may be pretty sure that I found rather +slow the kind of practice I have described, +and began to look about for chances of +bettering myself. In this sort of locality rather +risky cases turned up now and then; and as +soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, +I began to get the peculiar sort of practice I +wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I +found myself, at the close of three years, with +all my means spent, and just able to live +meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no +means suited a man of my refined tastes. + +Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, +and was able to secure moderate aid by +overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to +these changes of property I was careful, and +did not venture to secure the large amount I +needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time +hidden, and I judged it, therefore, to be her +chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly +distrusted. + +Six months went by, and I was worse off +than ever--two months in arrears of rent, +and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and +liquor-dealers. Now and then some good job, +such as a burglar with a cut head, helped me +for a while; but, on the whole, I was like +Slider Downeyhylle in Neal's ``Charcoal +Sketches,'' and kept going ``downer and +downer'' the more I tried not to. Something +had to be done. + +It occurred to me, about this time, that if +I moved into a more genteel locality I might +get a better class of patients, and yet keep +the best of those I now had. To do this it +was necessary to pay my rent, and the more +so because I was in a fair way to have no +house at all over my head. But here fortune +interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm +on Seventh Street, and ran to catch an +omnibus. As I pulled open the door I saw +behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. +I laughed and jumped in. She had to run a +little before the 'bus again stopped. She got +pretty wet. An old man in the corner, who +seemed in the way of taking charge of other +people's manners, said to me: ``Young man, +you ought to be ashamed to get in before the +lady, and in this pour, too!'' + +I said calmly, ``But you got in before her.'' + +He made no reply to this obvious fact, as +he might have been in the bus a half-hour. +A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a +laugh, ``Rather neat, that,'' and, turning, tried +to pull up a window-sash. In the effort +something happened, and he broke the glass, +cutting his hand in half a dozen places. +While he was using several quite profane +phrases, I caught his hand and said, ``I am a +surgeon,'' and tied my handkerchief around +the bleeding palm. + +The guardian of manners said, ``I hope you +are not much hurt, but there was no reason +why you should swear.'' + +On this my patient said, ``Go to ----,'' +which silenced the monitor. + +I explained to the wounded man that the +cuts should be looked after at once. The +matter was arranged by our leaving the 'bus, +and, as the rain had let up, walking to his +house. This was a large and quite luxurious +dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for +his wounds, which, as I had informed him, +required immediate attention. It was at this +time summer, and his wife and niece, the +only other members of his family, were +absent. On my second visit I made believe +to remove some splinters of glass which I +brought with me. He said they showed how +shamefully thin was that omnibus window- +pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the +end of the month,--for one wound was long +in healing,--presented me with one hundred +dollars. This paid my small rental, and as +Mr. Poynter allowed me to refer to him, I +was able to get a better office and bedroom on +Spruce street. I saw no more of my patient +until winter, although I learned that he was +a stock-broker, not in the very best repute, +but of a well-known family. + +Meanwhile my move had been of small use. +I was wise enough, however, to keep up my +connection with my former clients, and +contrived to live. It was no more than that. +One day in December I was overjoyed to see +Mr. Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very +pale, and never, to my remembrance, without a +permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and +now at once I saw that he wanted something. + +I hated the way that man saw through me. +He went on without hesitation, taking me +for granted. He began by saying he had +confidence in my judgment, and when a man +says that you had better look out. He said +he had a niece who lived with him, a brother's +child; that she was out of health and ought +not to marry, which was what she meant to +do. She was scared about her health, +because she had a cough, and had lost a brother +of consumption. I soon came to understand +that, for reasons unknown to me, my friend +did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, +he also informed me, was troubled as to the +niece's health. Now, he said, he wished to +consult me as to what he should do. I +suspected at once that he had not told me all. + +I have often wondered at the skill with +which I managed this rather delicate matter. +I knew I was not well enough known +to be of direct use, and was also too young +to have much weight. I advised him to get +Professor C. + +Then my friend shook his head. He said +in reply, ``But suppose, doctor, he says there +is nothing wrong with the girl?'' + +Then I began to understand him. + +``Oh,'' I said, ``you get a confidential +written opinion from him. You can make it what +you please when you tell her.'' + +He said no. It would be best for me to +ask the professor to see Miss Poynter; might +mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I +was to get his opinion in writing. + +``Well?'' said I. + +``After that I want you to write me a joint +opinion to meet the case--all the needs of +the case, you see.'' + +I saw, but hesitated as to how much would +make it worth while to pull his hot chestnuts +out of the fire--one never knows how hot +the chestnuts are. + +Then he said, ``Ever take a chance in +stocks?'' + +I said, ``No.'' + +He said that he would lend me a little +money and see what he could do with it. And +here was his receipt from me for one thousand +dollars, and here, too, was my order to +buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to +Sign it? I did. + +I was to call in two days at his house, and +meantime I could think it over. It seemed +to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the +young woman--well, supposing is awfully +destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I +had only to misunderstand the professor's +opinion. I went to the house, and talked to +Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter +came in, and began to lament her niece's +declining health. After that I saw Miss +Poynter. There is a kind of innocent-looking +woman who knows no more of the world +than a young chicken, and is choke-full of +emotions. I saw it would be easy to frighten +her. There are some instruments anybody +can get any tune they like out of. I was +very grave, and advised her to see the +professor. And would I write to ask him, said +Mr. Poynter. I said I would. + +As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: +``You will clear some four hundred easy. +Write to the professor. Bring my receipt +to the office next week, and we will settle.'' + +We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave +him one for fifteen hundred dollars, and +received in notes five hundred dollars. + +In a day or so I had a note from the +professor stating that Miss Poynter was in no +peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, +and had only a mild bronchial trouble. He +advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured +to reassure my young patient. Now, this +was a little more than I wanted. However, +I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought +she had bronchitis, that in her case tubercle +would be very apt to follow, and that at present, +and until she was safe, we considered +marriage undesirable. + +Mr. Poynter said it might have been put +stronger, but he would make it do. He made +it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. +The final result was that she eloped with +her lover, because if she was to die, as she +wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her +husband's arms. Human nature plus hysteria +will defy all knowledge of character. This +was what our old professor of practice used +to say. + +Mr. Poynter had now to account for a +large trust estate which had somehow dwindled. +Unhappily, princes are not the only +people in whom you must not put your trust. +As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to +know the facts, and cut me dead. It was +unpleasant, but I had my five hundred +dollars, and--I needed them. I do not see how +I could have been more careful. + +After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter +broke, and did not even pay my last bill. I +had to accept several rather doubtful cases, +and once a policeman I knew advised me +that I had better be on my guard. + +But, really, so long as I adhered to the +common code of my profession I was in danger +of going without my dinner. + +Just as I was at my worst and in despair +something always turned up, but it was sure +to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see +me, and Peninnah wrote me goody-goody +letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable +to find certain bank-notes she had hidden, +and vowed I had taken them. This Peninnah +did not think possible. I agreed +with her. The notes were found somewhat +later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my +aunt's old slippers. Of course I wrote an +indignant letter. My aunt declared that +Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored +them when they were missed. Poor Peninnah! +This did not seem to me very likely, +but Peninnah did love fine clothes. + +One night, as I was debating with myself +as to how I was to improve my position, I +heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to +the door, let in a broad-shouldered man with +a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He +wore a heavy black beard and mustache, and +looked like the wolf in the pictures of Red +Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + +``Your name's Sanderaft?'' said the man. + +``Yes; that's my name--Dr. Sanderaft.'' + +As he sat down he shook the snow over +everything, and said coolly: ``Set down, doc; +I want to talk with you.'' + +``What can I do for you?'' said I. + +The man looked around the room rather +scornfully, at the same time throwing back +his coat and displaying a red neckerchief +and a huge garnet pin. ``Guess you're not +overly rich,'' he said. + +``Not especially,'' said I. ``What's that +your business?'' + +He did not answer, but merely said, +``Know Simon Stagers?'' + +``Can't say I do,'' said I, cautiously. Simon +was a burglar who had blown off two fingers +when mining a safe. I had attended him +while he was hiding. + +``Can't say you do. Well, you can lie, and +no mistake. Come, now, doc. Simon says +you're safe, and I want to have a leetle +plain talk with you.'' + +With this he laid ten gold eagles on the +table. I put out my hand instinctively. + +``Let 'em alone,'' cried the man, sharply. +``They're easy earned, and ten more like 'em.'' + +``For doing what?'' I said. + +The man paused a moment, and looked +around him; next he stared at me, and loosened +his cravat with a hasty pull. ``You're +the coroner,'' said he. + +``I! What do you mean?'' + +``Yes, you're the coroner; don't you +understand?'' and so saying, he shoved the gold +pieces toward me. + +``Very good,'' said I; ``we will suppose I'm +the coroner. What next?'' + +``And being the coroner,'' said he, ``you get +this note, which requests you to call at No. 9 +Blank street to examine the body of a young +man which is supposed--only supposed, you +see--to have--well, to have died under +suspicious circumstances.'' + +``Go on,'' said I. + +``No,'' he returned; ``not till I know how +you like it. Stagers and another knows it; +and it wouldn't be very safe for you to split, +besides not making nothing out of it. But +what I say is this, Do you like the business +of coroner?'' + +I did not like it; but just then two +hundred in gold was life to me, so I said: ``Let +me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.'' + +``That's square enough,'' said the man. +``My wife's got''--correcting himself with +a shivery shrug--``my wife had a brother +that took to cutting up rough because when +I'd been up too late I handled her a leetle +hard now and again. + +``Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just +then--you see, he lived with us. When he +got better I guessed he'd drop all that; but +somehow he was worse than ever--clean off +his head, and strong as an ox. My wife said +to put him away in an asylum. I didn't +think that would do. At last he tried to get +out. He was going to see the police about-- +well--the thing was awful serious, and my +wife carrying on like mad, and wanting +doctors. I had no mind to run, and something +had got to be done. So Simon Stagers and +I talked it over. The end of it was, he took +worse of a sudden, and got so he didn't know +nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. He +said it was a perforation, and there ought to +have been a doctor when he was first took sick. + +``Well, the man died, and as I kept about +the house, my wife had no chance to talk. +The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a +certificate. I thought we were done with it. +But my wife she writes a note and gives it to +a boy in the alley to put in the post. We +suspicioned her, and Stagers was on the +watch. After the boy got away a bit, Simon +bribed him with a quarter to give him the +note, which wasn't no less than a request to +the coroner to come to the house to-morrow +and make an examination, as foul play was +suspected--and poison.'' + +When the man quit talking he glared at +me. I sat still. I was cold all over. I was +afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides +which, I did not doubt that there was a good +deal of money in the case. + +``Of course,'' said I, ``it's nonsense; only +I suppose you don't want the officers about, +and a fuss, and that sort of thing.'' + +``Exactly,'' said my friend. ``It's all bosh +about poison. You're the coroner. You +take this note and come to my house. Says +you: `Mrs. File, are you the woman that +wrote this note? Because in that case I must +examine the body.' '' + +``I see,'' said I; ``she needn't know who I +am, or anything else; but if I tell her it's all +right, do you think she won't want to know +why there isn't a jury, and so on?'' + +``Bless you,'' said the man, ``the girl isn't +over seventeen, and doesn't know no more +than a baby. As we live up-town miles +away, she won't know anything about you.'' + +``I'll do it,'' said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, +it involved no sort of risk; ``but I must have +three hundred dollars.'' + +``And fifty,'' added the wolf, ``if you do it +well.'' + +Then I knew it was serious. + +With this the man buttoned about him a +shaggy gray overcoat, and took his leave +without a single word in addition. + +A minute later he came back and said: +``Stagers is in this business, and I was to +remind you of Lou Wilson,--I forgot that,-- +the woman that died last year. That's all.'' +Then he went away, leaving me in a cold +sweat. I knew now I had no choice. I +understood why I had been selected. + +For the first time in my life, that night I +couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, at last, +that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, +and escape, leaving my books to pay as they +might my arrears of rent. Looking out of +the window, however, in the morning, I saw +Stagers prowling about the opposite pavement; +and as the only exit except the street +door was an alleyway which opened along- +side of the front of the house, I gave myself +up for lost. About ten o'clock I took my case +of instruments and started for File's house, +followed, as I too well understood, by Stagers. + +I knew the house, which was in a small up- +town street, by its closed windows and the +craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. +However, it was too late to draw back, and I +therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A haggard- +looking young woman came down, and led +me into a small parlor, for whose darkened +light I was thankful enough. + +``Did you write this note?'' + +``I did,'' said the woman, ``if you're the +coroner. Joe File--he's my husband--he's +gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it +was his, I do.'' + +``What do you suspect?'' said I. + +``I'll tell you,'' she returned in a whisper. +``I think he was made away with. I think +there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. +That's what I think.'' + +``I hope you may be mistaken,'' said I. +``Suppose you let me see the body.'' + +``You shall see it,'' she replied; and following +her, I went up-stairs to a front chamber, +where I found the corpse. + +``Get it over soon,'' said the woman, with +strange firmness. ``If there ain't no murder +been done I shall have to run for it; if there +was''--and her face set hard--``I guess I'll +stay.'' With this she closed the door and +left me with the dead. + +If I had known what was before me I +never could have gone into the thing at all. +It looked a little better when I had opened +a window and let in plenty of light; for +although I was, on the whole, far less afraid +of dead than living men, I had an absurd +feeling that I was doing this dead man a +distinct wrong--as if it mattered to the +dead, after all! When the affair was over, +I thought more of the possible consequences +than of its relation to the dead man himself; +but do as I would at the time, I was in a +ridiculous funk, and especially when going +through the forms of a post-mortem examination. + +I am free to confess now that I was +careful not to uncover the man's face, and that +when it was over I backed to the door and +hastily escaped from the room. On the stairs +opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with her +bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + +``Well,'' said she, rising as she spoke, and +with a certain eagerness in her tone, ``what +killed him? Was it poison?'' + +``Poison, my good woman!'' said I. ``When +a man has typhoid fever he don't need poison +to kill him. He had a relapse, that's all.'' + +``And do you mean to say he wasn't +poisoned,'' said she, with more than a trace of +disappointment in her voice--``not poisoned +at all?'' + +``No more than you are,'' said I. ``If I had +found any signs of foul play I should have +had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said +about it the better. The fact is, it would +have been much wiser to have kept quiet at +the beginning. I can't understand why you +should have troubled me about it at all. The +man had a perforation. It is common enough +in typhoid.'' + +``That's what the doctor said--I didn't +believe him. I guess now the sooner I leave +the better for me.'' + +``As to that,'' I returned, ``it is none of my +business; but you may rest certain about the +cause of your brother's death.'' + +My fears were somewhat quieted that +evening when Stagers and the wolf appeared +with the remainder of the money, and I +learned that Mrs. File had fled from her +home and, as File thought likely, from the +city also. A few months later File himself +disappeared, and Stagers found his way for +the third time into the penitentiary. Then I +felt at ease. I now see, for my own part, +that I was guilty of more than one mistake, +and that I displayed throughout a want of +intelligence. I ought to have asked more, +and also might have got a good fee from +Mrs. File on account of my services as +coroner. It served me, however, as a good +lesson; but it was several months before I +felt quite comfortable. + +Meanwhile money became scarce once more, +and I was driven to my wit's end to devise +how I should continue to live as I had done. +I tried, among other plans, that of keeping +certain pills and other medicines, which I +sold to my patients; but on the whole I found +it better to send all my prescriptions to one +druggist, who charged the patient ten or +twenty cents over the correct price, and +handed this amount to me. + +In some cases I am told the percentage is +supposed to be a donation on the part of the +apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient +pays for it in the end. It is one of the absurd +vagaries of the profession to discountenance +the practice I have described, but I +wish, for my part, I had never done anything +more foolish or more dangerous. Of course +it inclines a doctor to change his medicines a +good deal, and to order them in large quantities, +which is occasionally annoying to the +poor; yet, as I have always observed, there is +no poverty as painful as your own, so that I +prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among +many rather than to concentrate it on myself. +That's a rather neat phrase. + +About six months after the date of this +annoying adventure, an incident occurred which +altered somewhat, and for a time improved, +my professional position. During my morning +office-hour an old woman came in, and +putting down a large basket, wiped her face +with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and +afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then +she looked around uneasily, got up, settled +her basket on her arm with a jerk which may +have decided the future of an egg or two, and +remarked briskly: ``Don't see no little bottles +about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You +ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?'' + +With great presence of mind, I replied: +``Well, ma'am, that depends upon what you +want. Some of my patients like one, and +some like the other.'' I was about to add, +``You pay your money and you take your +choice,'' but thought better of it, and held my +peace, refraining from classical quotation. + +``Being as that's the case,'' said the old lady, +``I'll just tell you my symptoms. You said +you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?'' + +``Just so,'' replied I. + +``Clams or oysters, whichever opens most +lively, as my old Joe says--tends the oyster- +stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?'' + +No, I did not know Joe; but what were the +symptoms? + +They proved to be numerous, and included +a stunning in the head and a misery in the +side, with bokin after victuals. + +I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope +over her ample bosom, though what I +heard on this and similar occasions I should +find it rather difficult to state. I remember +well my astonishment in one instance where, +having unconsciously applied my instrument +over a clamorous silver watch in the watch- +fob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a +moment that he was suffering from a rather + +remarkable displacement of the heart. As to +my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and +who kept an apple-stand near by, I told her +that I was out of pills just then, but would +have plenty next day. Accordingly, I +proceeded to invest a small amount at a place +called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I +remember amused me immensely. + +A stout little German, with great silver +spectacles, sat behind a counter containing +numerous jars of white powders labeled +concisely ``Lac.,'' ``Led.,'' ``Onis.,'' ``Op.,'' +``Puls.,'' etc., while behind him were shelves +filled with bottles of what looked like minute +white shot. + +``I want some homeopathic medicine,'' +said I. + +``Vat kindt?'' said my friend. ``Vat you +vants to cure!'' + +I explained at random that I wished to +treat diseases in general. + +``Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,'' and +thereon produced a large box containing bottles +of small pills and powders, labeled variously +with the names of the diseases, so that +all you required was to use the headache or +colic bottle in order to meet the needs of +those particular maladies. + +I was struck at first with the exquisite +simplicity of this arrangement; but before +purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the +leaves of a book, in two volumes, which lay +on the counter; it was called ``Jahr's Manual.'' +Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon +``Lachesis,'' which proved to my amazement +to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to +be indicated for use in upward of a hundred +symptoms. At once it occurred to me that +``Lach.'' was the medicine for my money, and +that it was quite needless to waste cash on +the box. I therefore bought a small jar of +``Lach.'' and a lot of little pills, and started +for home. + +My old woman proved a fast friend; and +as she sent me numerous patients, I by and +by altered my sign to ``Homeopathic Physician +and Surgeon,'' whatever that may mean, +and was regarded by my medical brothers as +a lost sheep, and by the little-pill doctors as +one who had seen the error of his ways. + +In point of fact, my new practice had +decided advantages. All pills looked and tasted +alike, and the same might be said of the +powders, so that I was never troubled by those +absurd investigations into the nature of +remedies which some patients are prone to +make. Of course I desired to get business, +and it was therefore obviously unwise to give +little pills of ``Lac.,'' or ``Puls.,'' or ``Sep.,'' +when a man needed a dose of oil, or a white- +faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the +useful discovery that it was only necessary +to prescribe cod-liver oil, for instance, as a +diet, in order to make use of it where +required. When a man got impatient over an +ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I +could persuade him to let me try a good dose +of quinine; while, on the other hand, there +was a distinct pecuniary advantage in those +cases of the shakes which could be made to +believe that it ``was best not to interfere +with nature.'' I ought to add that this kind +of faith is uncommon among folks who carry +hods or build walls. + +For women who are hysterical, and go +heart and soul into the business of being +sick, I have found the little pills a most +charming resort, because you cannot carry +the refinement of symptoms beyond what my +friend Jahr has done in the way of fitting +medicines to them, so that if I had taken +seriously to practising this double form of +therapeutics, it had, as I saw, certain +conveniences. + +Another year went by, and I was beginning +to prosper in my new mode of life. My +medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with +variations as to the labels) cost next to nothing; +and as I charged pretty well for both these +and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + +I solemnly believe that I should have +continued to succeed in the practice of my +profession if it had not happened that fate was +once more unkind to me, by throwing in my +path one of my old acquaintances. I had a +consultation one day with the famous homeopath +Dr. Zwanzig. As we walked away we +were busily discussing the case of a poor +consumptive fellow who previously had lost +a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. +Zwanzig considered that the ten-thousandth +of a grain of aurum would be an overdose, +and that it must be fractioned so as to allow +for the departed leg, otherwise the rest of the +man would be getting a leg-dose too much. +I was particularly struck with this view of +the case, but I was still more, and less +pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former +patient Stagers, who nodded to me familiarly +from the opposite pavement. + +I was not at all surprised when, that +evening quite late, I found this worthy waiting in +my office. I looked around uneasily, which +was clearly understood by my friend, who +retorted: ``Ain't took nothin' of yours, doc. +You don't seem right awful glad to see me. +You needn't be afraid--I've only fetched +you a job, and a right good one, too.'' + +I replied that I had my regular business, +that I preferred he should get some one else, +and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware +that I had had enough of him. I did not ask +him to sit down, and, just as I supposed him +about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, +remarking, ``No use, doc; got to go into it +this one time.'' + +At this I, naturally enough, grew angry +and used several rather violent phrases. + +``No use, doc,'' said Stagers. + +Then I softened down, and laughed a little, +and treated the thing as a joke, whatever it +was, for I dreaded to hear. + +But Stagers was fate. Stagers was +inevitable. ``Won't do, doc--not even money +wouldn't get you off.'' + +``No?'' said I, interrogatively, and as coolly +as I could, contriving at the same time to +move toward the window. It was summer, +the sashes were up, the shutters half drawn +in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging +opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. +I would give Stagers a scare, charge him +with theft--anything but get mixed up with +his kind again. It was the folly of a moment +and I should have paid dear for it. + +He must have understood me, the scoundrel, +for in an instant I felt a cold ring of +steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on +my cravat. ``Sit down,'' he said. ``What a +fool you are! Guess you forgot that there +coroner's business and the rest.'' Needless to +say that I obeyed. ``Best not try that again,'' +continued my guest. ``Wait a moment''; +and rising, he closed the window. + +There was no resource left but to listen; +and what followed I shall condense rather +than relate it in the language employed by +Mr. Stagers. + +It appeared that my other acquaintance +Mr. File had been guilty of a cold-blooded +and long-premeditated murder, for which he +had been tried and convicted. He now lay +in jail awaiting his execution, which was to +take place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed +that with Stagers and others he had formed +a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. +Their business lay in the manufacture of +South American currencies. File had thus +acquired a fortune so considerable that I was +amazed at his having allowed his passion to +seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his +agony he unfortunately thought of me, and +had bribed Stagers largely in order that he +might be induced to find me. When the +narration had reached this stage, and I had +been made fully to understand that I was now +and hereafter under the sharp eye of Stagers +and his friends, that, in a word, escape was +out of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + +``What does all this mean?'' I said. +``What does File expect me to do?'' + +``Don't believe he exactly knows,'' said +Stagers. ``Something or other to get him +clear of hemp.'' + +``But what stuff!'' I replied. ``How can I +help him? What possible influence could +I exert?'' + +``Can't say,'' answered Stagers, imperturbably. +``File has a notion you're 'most cunning +enough for anything. Best try something, doc.'' + +``And what if I won't do it?'' said I. +``What does it matter to me if the rascal +swings or no?'' + +``Keep cool, doc,'' returned Stagers. ``I'm +only agent in this here business. My principal, +that's File, he says: `Tell Sanderaft +to find some way to get me clear. Once out, +I give him ten thousand dollars. If he don't +turn up something that will suit, I'll blow +about that coroner business and Lou Wilson, +and break him up generally.' '' + +``You don't mean,'' said I, in a cold sweat +--``you don't mean that, if I can't do this +impossible thing, he will inform on me?'' + +``Just so,'' returned Stagers. ``Got a +cigar, doc?'' + +I only half heard him. What a frightful +position! I had been leading a happy and an +increasingly profitable life--no scrapes and +no dangers; and here, on a sudden, I had +presented to me the alternative of saving a +wretch from the gallows or of spending +unlimited years in a State penitentiary. As +for the money, it became as dead leaves for +this once only in my life. My brain seemed +to be spinning round. I grew weak all over. + +``Cheer up a little,'' said Stagers. ``Take +a nip of whisky. Things ain't at the worst, +by a good bit. You just get ready, and we'll +start by the morning train. Guess you'll try +out something smart enough as we travel +along. Ain't got a heap of time to lose.'' + +I was silent. A great anguish had me in +its grip. I might squirm as I would, it was +all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, +born of this agony of terror. I might murder +Stagers, but what good would that do? +As to File, he was safe from my hand. At +last I became too confused to think any +longer. ``When do we leave?'' I said feebly. + +``At six to-morrow,'' he returned. + +How I was watched and guarded, and how +hurried over a thousand miles of rail to my +fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful +to recall it to memory. Above all, an aching +eagerness for revenge upon the man who had +caused me these sufferings was uppermost in +my mind. Could I not fool the wretch and +save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into +my consciousness. Then it grew and formed +itself, became possible, probable, seemed to +me sure. ``Ah,'' said I, ``Stagers, give me +something to eat and drink.'' I had not +tasted food for two days. + +Within a day or two after my arrival, I +was enabled to see File in his cell, on the +plea of being a clergyman from his native +place. + +I found that I had not miscalculated my +danger. The man did not appear to have the +least idea as to how I was to help him. He +only knew that I was in his power, and he +used his control to insure that something +more potent than friendship should be +enlisted in his behalf. As the days went by, +his behavior grew to be a frightful thing to +witness. He threatened, flattered, implored, +offered to double the sum he had promised +if I would save him. My really reasonable +first thought was to see the governor of the +State, and, as Stagers's former physician, +make oath to his having had many attacks of +epilepsy followed by brief periods of homicidal +mania. He had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic +epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was in a +distant city. The time was short, and the +case against my man too clear. Stagers said +it would not do. I was at my wit's end. +``Got to do something,'' said File, ``or I'll +attend to your case, doc.'' + +``But,'' said I, ``suppose there is really +nothing?'' + +``Well,'' said Stagers to me when we were +alone, ``you get him satisfied, anyhow. He'll +never let them hang him, and perhaps--well, +I'm going to give him these pills when I get +a chance. He asked to have them. But +what's your other plan?'' + +Stagers knew as much about medicine as +a pig knows about the opera. So I set to +work to delude him, first asking if he could +secure me, as a clergyman, an hour alone +with File just before the execution. He said +money would do it, and what was my plan? + +``Well,'' said I, ``there was once a man +named Dr. Chovet. He lived in London. A +gentleman who turned highwayman was to +be hanged. You see,'' said I, ``this was about +1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and +the hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the +man's windpipe, very low down where it could +be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they +hanged him only a little while, and the breath +went in and out of the opening below the +noose, he was only just insensible when his +friends got him--'' + +``And he got well,'' cried Stagers, much +pleased with my rather melodramatic tale. + +``Yes,'' I said, ``he got well, and lived to +take purses, all dressed in white. People had +known him well, and when he robbed his +great-aunt, who was not in the secret, she +swore she had seen his ghost.'' + +Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed +it would work; small town, new business, lots +of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to +save a man is said to have been made, but, by +ill luck, the man did not recover. It answered +my purpose, but how any one, even such an +ass as this fellow, could believe it could +succeed puzzles me to this day. + +File became enthusiastic over my scheme, +and I cordially assisted his credulity. The +thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the +business blew up or--and I shuddered-- +until File, in despair, took his pill. I should +in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + +My friend Stagers had some absurd +misgivings lest Mr. File's neck might be broken +by the fall; but as to this I was able to +reassure him upon the best scientific authority. +There were certain other and minor questions, +as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete +arrest of the supply of blood to the brain; +but with these physiological refinements I +thought it needlessly cruel to distract a man +in File's peculiar position. Perhaps I shall +be doing injustice to my own intellect if I do +not hasten to state again that I had not the +remotest belief in the efficacy of my plan for +any purpose except to get me out of a very +uncomfortable position and give me, with +time, a chance to escape. + +Stagers and I were both disguised as clergy- +men, and were quite freely admitted to the +condemned man's cell. In fact, there was in +the little town a certain trustful simplicity +about all their arrangements. The day but +one before the execution Stagers informed +me that File had the pills, which he, Stagers, +had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed +pleased with our plan. I was not. He was +really getting uneasy and suspicious of me-- +as I was soon to find out. + +So far our plans, or rather mine, had +worked to a marvel. Certain of File's old +accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman +to shorten the time of suspension. +Arrangements were made to secure me two +hours alone with the prisoner, so that +nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool +business. I had assured Stagers that I +would not need to see File again previous to +the operation; but in the forenoon of the day +before that set for the execution I was seized +with a feverish impatience, which luckily +prompted me to visit him once more. As +usual, I was admitted readily, and nearly +reached his cell when I became aware, from the +sound of voices heard through the grating in +the door, that there was a visitor in the cell. +``Who is with him?'' I inquired of the turnkey. + +``The doctor,'' he replied. + +``Doctor?'' I said, pausing. ``What doctor?'' + +``Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back +in half an hour to let him out; but he's got +a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will +you wait?'' + +``No,'' I replied; ``it is hardly right to +interrupt them. I will walk in the corridor for +ten minutes or so, and then you can come +back to let me into the cell.'' + +``Very good,'' he returned, and left me. + +As soon as I was alone, I cautiously +advanced until I stood alongside of the door, +through the barred grating of which I was +able readily to hear what went on within. +The first words I caught were these: + +``And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a +man's windpipe was open, the hanging would +kill him--are you sure?'' + +``Yes, I believe there would be no doubt +of it. I cannot see how escape would be +possible. But let me ask you why you have +sent for me to ask these singular questions. +You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, +and least of all in such a manner as this. I +advise you to think about the fate which is +inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to +reflect upon.'' + +``But,'' said File, ``if I wanted to try this +plan of mine, couldn't some one be found to +help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand +or so by it? I mean a really good doctor.'' +Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my +skill, and meant to get some one to aid me. + +``If you mean me,'' answered the doctor, +``some one cannot be found, neither for +twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, +if any one were wicked enough to venture on +such an attempt, he would only be deceiving +you with a hope which would be utterly vain. +You must be off your head.'' + +I understood all this with an increasing +fear in my mind. I had meant to get away +that night at all risks. I saw now that I must +go at once. + +After a pause he said: ``Well, doctor, you +know a poor devil in my fix will clutch at +straws. Hope I have not offended you.'' + +``Not in the least,'' returned the doctor. +``Shall I send you Mr. Smith?'' This was +my present name; in fact, I was known as +the Rev. Eliphalet Smith. + +``I would like it,'' answered File; ``but as +you go out, tell the warden I want to see +him immediately about a matter of great +importance.'' + +At this stage I began to apprehend very +distinctly that the time had arrived when it +would be wiser for me to delay escape no +longer. Accordingly, I waited until I heard +the doctor rise, and at once stepped quietly +away to the far end of the corridor. I had +scarcely reached it when the door which +closed it was opened by a turnkey who had +come to relieve the doctor and let me into the +cell. Of course my peril was imminent. If +the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the +prisoner, immediate disclosure would follow. +If some lapse of time were secured before the +warden obeyed the request from File that he +should visit him, I might gain thus a much- +needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore +said to the officer: ``Tell the warden that the +doctor wishes to remain an hour longer with +the prisoner, and that I shall return myself +at the end of that time.'' + +``Very good, sir,'' said the turnkey, allowing +me to pass out, and, as he followed me, +relocking the door of the corridor. ``I'll tell +him,'' he said. It is needless to repeat that +I never had the least idea of carrying out the +ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded +File and Stagers, but so far Stagers's watchfulness +had given me no chance to escape. + +In a few moments I was outside of the +jail gate, and saw my fellow-clergyman, Mr. +Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, +coming down the street toward me. As +usual, he was on his guard; but this time +he had to deal with a man grown perfectly +desperate, with everything to win and +nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, +wild as they were, I thought them worth the +trying. I must evade this man's terrible +watch. How keen it was, you cannot imagine; +but it was aided by three of the +infamous gang to which File had belonged, +for without these spies no one person could +possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + +I took Stagers's arm. ``What time,'' said I, +``does the first train start for Dayton?'' + +``At twelve. What do you want?'' + +``How far is it?'' + +``About fifteen miles,'' he replied. + +``Good. I can get back by eight o'clock +to-night.'' + +``Easily,'' said Stagers, ``if you go. What +do you want?'' + +``I want a smaller tube to put in the wind- +pipe--must have it, in fact.'' + +``Well, I don't like it,'' said he, ``but the +thing's got to go through somehow. If you +must go, I will go along myself. Can't lose +sight of you, doc, just at present. You're +monstrous precious. Did you tell File?'' + +``Yes,'' said I; ``he's all right. Come. +We've no time to lose.'' + +Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we +were seated in the last car of a long train, +and running at the rate of twenty miles an +hour toward Dayton. In about ten minutes +I asked Stagers for a cigar. + +``Can't smoke here,'' said he. + +``No,'' I answered; ``of course not. I'll go +forward into the smoking-car.'' + +``Come along,'' said he, and we went +through the train. + +I was not sorry he had gone with me when +I found in the smoking-car one of the spies +who had been watching me so constantly. +Stagers nodded to him and grinned at me, +and we sat down together. + +``Chut!'' said I, ``left my cigar on the +window-ledge in the hindmost car. Be back +in a moment.'' + +This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed +me to leave unaccompanied. I hastened +through to the nearer end of the hindmost +car, and stood on the platform. I instantly +cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, +waiting until the two cars ran together, I +tugged at the connecting-pin. As the cars +came together, I could lift it a little, then as +the strain came on the coupling the pin held +fast. At last I made a great effort, and out +it came. The car I was on instantly lost +speed, and there on the other platform, a +hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his +fist at me. He was beaten, and he knew it. +In the end few people have been able to get +ahead of me. + +The retreating train was half a mile away +around the curve as I screwed up the brake +on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to +a stand. I did not wait for it to stop entirely +before I slipped off the steps, leaving the +other passengers to dispose of themselves as +they might until their absence should be +discovered and the rest of the train return. + +As I wish rather to illustrate my very +remarkable professional career than to amuse +by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not +linger to tell how I succeeded, at last, in +reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I had never +ceased to anticipate the moment when escape +from File and his friends would be possible, +so that I always carried about with me the +very small funds with which I had hastily +provided myself upon leaving. The whole +amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but +with this, and a gold watch worth twice as +much, I hoped to be able to subsist until my +own ingenuity enabled me to provide more +liberally for the future. Naturally enough, +I scanned the papers closely to discover some +account of File's death and of the disclosures +concerning myself which he was only +too likely to have made. + +I came at last on an account of how he had +poisoned himself, and so escaped the hangman. +I never learned what he had said about me, +but I was quite sure he had not let me off easy. +I felt that this failure to announce his confessions +was probably due to a desire on the part +of the police to avoid alarming me. Be this +as it may, I remained long ignorant as to +whether or not the villain betrayed my part +in that unusual coroner's inquest. + +Before many days I had resolved to make +another and a bold venture. Accordingly +appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement +to the effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the +well-known German physician, who had spent +two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge +of Indian medicine, was prepared to +treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. +Dr. von Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis +for two weeks, and was to be found at the +Grayson House every day from ten until two +o'clock. + +To my delight, I got two patients the first +day. The next I had twice as many, when at +once I hired two connecting rooms, and made +a very useful arrangement, which I may +describe dramatically in the following way: + +There being two or three patients waiting +while I finished my cigar and morning julep, +enters a respectable-looking old gentleman +who inquires briskly of the patients if this is +really Dr. von Ingenhoff's. He is told it is. +My friend was apt to overact his part. I +had often occasion to ask him to be less +positive. + +``Ah,'' says he, ``I shall be delighted to see +the doctor. Five years ago I was scalped on +the Plains, and now''--exhibiting a well-covered +head--``you see what the doctor did for +me. 'T isn't any wonder I've come fifty +miles to see him. Any of you been scalped, +gentlemen?'' + +To none of them had this misfortune +arrived as yet; but, like most folks in the lower +ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it +was pleasant to find a genial person who +would listen to their account of their own +symptoms. + +Presently, after hearing enough, the old +gentleman pulls out a large watch. ``Bless +me! it's late. I must call again. May I +trouble you, sir, to say to the doctor that his +old friend called to see him and will drop in +again to-morrow? Don't forget: Governor +Brown of Arkansas.'' A moment later the +governor visited me by a side door, with his +account of the symptoms of my patients. + +Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having +retired. ``Now, doc,'' says the Hoosier, ``I've +been handled awful these two years back.'' +``Stop!'' I exclaimed. ``Open your eyes. +There, now, let me see,'' taking his pulse as I +speak. ``Ah, you've a pain there, and there, +and you can't sleep; cocktails don't agree any +longer. Weren't you bit by a dog two years +ago?'' ``I was,'' says the Hoosier, in +amazement. ``Sir,'' I reply, ``you have chronic +hydrophobia. It's the water in the cocktails +that disagrees with you. My bitters will cure +you in a week, sir. No more whisky--drink +milk.'' + +The astonishment of my patient at these +accurate revelations may be imagined. He is +allowed to wait for his medicine in the ante- +room, where the chances are in favor of his +relating how wonderfully I had told all his +symptoms at a glance. + +Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small +but clever actor, whom I met in the billiard- +room, and who day after day, in varying +disguises and modes, played off the same tricks, +to our great common advantage. + +At my friend's suggestion, we very soon +added to our resources by the purchase of +two electromagnetic batteries. This special +means of treating all classes of maladies has +advantages which are altogether peculiar. In +the first place, you instruct your patient that +the treatment is of necessity a long one. A +striking mode of putting it is to say, ``Sir, +you have been six months getting ill; it will +require six months for a cure.'' There is a +correct sound about such a phrase, and it is +sure to satisfy. Two sittings a week, at two +dollars a sitting, will pay. In many cases the +patient gets well while you are electrifying +him. Whether or not the electricity cured +him is a thing I shall never know. If, however, +he began to show signs of impatience, I +advised him that he would require a year's +treatment, and suggested that it would be +economical for him to buy a battery and use +it at home. Thus advised, he pays you twenty +dollars for an instrument which cost you ten, +and you are rid of a troublesome case. + +If the reader has followed me closely, he +will have learned that I am a man of large +and liberal views in my profession, and of a +very justifiable ambition. The idea has often +occurred to me of combining in one establishment +all the various modes of practice which +are known as irregular. This, as will be +understood, is really only a wider application +of the idea which prompted me to unite in my +own business homeopathy and the practice of +medicine. I proposed to my partner, accordingly, +to combine with our present business +that of spiritualism, which I knew had been +very profitably turned to account in connection +with medical practice. As soon as he +agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped +to enlarge so as to include all the available +isms, I set about making such preparations as +were necessary. I remembered having read +somewhere that a Dr. Schiff had shown that +he could produce remarkable ``knockings,'' so +called, by voluntarily dislocating the great +toe and then forcibly drawing it back into its +socket. A still better noise could be made by +throwing the tendon of the peroneus longus +muscle out of the hollow in which it lies, +alongside of the ankle. After some effort I +was able to accomplish both feats quite readily, +and could occasion a remarkable variety of +sounds, according to the power which I +employed or the positions which I occupied at +the time. As to all other matters, I trusted +to the suggestions of my own ingenuity, +which, as a rule, has rarely failed me. + +The largest success attended the novel plan +which my lucky genius had devised, so that +soon we actually began to divide large profits +and to lay by a portion of our savings. It is, +of course, not to be supposed that this desirable +result was attained without many annoyances +and some positive danger. My spiritual +revelations, medical and other, were, as may +be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; +but in this, as in predictions as to the weather +and other events, the rare successes always +get more prominence in the minds of men +than the numerous failures. Moreover, +whenever a person has been fool enough to +resort to folks like myself, he is always glad +to be able to defend his conduct by bringing +forward every possible proof of skill on the +part of the men he has consulted. These +considerations, and a certain love of mysterious +or unusual means, I have commonly found +sufficient to secure an ample share of gullible +individuals. I may add, too, that those who +would be shrewd enough to understand and +expose us are wise enough to keep away +altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, +easy enough to manage, but now and then we +hit upon some utterly exceptional patient +who was both foolish enough to consult us +and sharp enough to know he had been swindled. +When such a fellow made a fuss, it +was occasionally necessary to return his +money if it was found impossible to bully +him into silence. In one or two instances, +where I had promised a cure upon prepayment +of two or three hundred dollars, I was either +sued or threatened with suit, and had to +refund a part or the whole of the amount; but +most people preferred to hold their tongues +rather than expose to the world the extent of +their own folly. + +In one most disastrous case I suffered +personally to a degree which I never can recall +without a distinct sense of annoyance, both +at my own want of care and at the disgusting +consequences which it brought upon me. + +Early one morning an old gentleman called, +in a state of the utmost agitation, and +explained that he desired to consult the spirits +as to a heavy loss which he had experienced +the night before. He had left, he said, a sum +of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going +to bed. In the morning he had changed his +clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove the +notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, +he discovered that the garment still lay upon +the chair where he had thrown it, but that the +money was missing. I at once desired him to +be seated, and proceeded to ask him certain +questions, in a chatty way, about the habits +of his household, the amount lost, and the like, +expecting thus to get some clue which would +enable me to make my spirits display the +requisite share of sagacity in pointing out the +thief. I learned readily that he was an old +and wealthy man, a little close, too, I suspected, +and that he lived in a large house with but +two servants, and an only son about twenty- +one years old. The servants were both women +who had lived in the household many years, +and were probably innocent. Unluckily, +remembering my own youthful career, I +presently reached the conclusion that the young +man had been the delinquent. When I ventured +to inquire a little as to his habits, the +old gentleman cut me very short, remarking +that he came to ask questions, and not to be +questioned, and that he desired at once to +consult the spirits. Upon this I sat down at +a table, and, after a brief silence, demanded +in a solemn voice if there were any spirits +present. By industriously cracking my big +toe-joint I was enabled to represent at once +the presence of a numerous assembly of these +worthies. Then I inquired if any one of them +had been present when the robbery was +effected. A prompt double knock replied in +the affirmative. I may say here, by the way, +that the unanimity of the spirits as to their +use of two knocks for ``yes'' and one for +``no'' is a very remarkable point, and shows, +if it shows anything, how perfect and universal +must be the social intercourse of the +respected departed. It is worthy of note, also, +that if the spirit--I will not say the medium +--perceives after one knock that it were wiser +to say yes, he can conveniently add the second +tap. Some such arrangement in real life +would, it appears to me, be highly desirable. + +It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, +the French detective. I had just read a translation +of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a +very available spirit to call upon. + +As soon as I explained that the spirit who +answered had been a witness of the theft, the +old man became strangely agitated. ``Who +was it?'' said he. At once the spirit +indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we +went over the letters,--always a slow method, +but useful when you want to observe excitable +people,--my visitor kept saying, ``Quicker-- +go quicker.'' At length the spirit spelled out +the words, ``I know not his name.'' + +``Was it,'' said the gentleman--``was it a-- +was it one of my household?'' + +I knocked ``yes'' without hesitation; who +else, indeed, could it have been? + +``Excuse me,'' he went on, ``if I ask you for +a little whisky.'' + +This I gave him. He continued: ``Was it +Susan or Ellen?'' + +``No, no!'' + +``Was it--'' He paused. ``If I ask a question +mentally, will the spirits reply?'' I knew +what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was +his son, but did not wish to speak openly. + +``Ask,'' said I. + +``I have,'' he returned. + +I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to +commit myself definitely, yet here I fancied, +from the facts of the case and his own terrible +anxiety, that he suspected, or more than +suspected, his son as the guilty person. I +became sure of this as I studied his face. At +all events, it would be easy to deny or explain +in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander +was there in two knocks? I struck twice +as usual. + +Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very +white, but quite firm. ``There,'' he said, and +cast a bank-note on the table, ``I thank you,'' +and bending his head on his breast, walked, +as I thought, with great effort out of the room. + +On the following morning, as I made my +first appearance in my outer room, which +contained at least a dozen persons awaiting +advice, who should I see standing by the window +but the old gentleman with sandy-gray hair? +Along with him was a stout young man with +a head as red as mine, and mustache and +whiskers to match. Probably the son, I +thought--ardent temperament, remorse, come +to confess, etc. I was never more mistaken +in my life. I was about to go regularly +through my patients when the old gentleman +began to speak. + +``I called, doctor,'' said he, ``to explain the +little matter about which I--about which I--'' + +``Troubled your spirits yesterday,'' added +the youth, jocosely, pulling his mustache. + +``Beg pardon,'' I returned; ``had we not +better talk this over in private? Come into +my office,'' I added, touching the younger man +on the arm. + +Would you believe it? he took out his +handkerchief and dusted the place I had touched. +``Better not,'' said he. ``Go on, father; let +us get done with this den.'' + +``Gentlemen,'' said the elder person, addressing +the patients, ``I called here yesterday, like +a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum +of money which I believed I left in my room +on going out in the morning. This doctor +here and his spirits contrived to make me +suspect my only son. Well, I charged him at +once with the crime as soon as I got back +home, and what do you think he did? He +said, `Father, let us go up-stairs and look for +it,' and--'' + +Here the young man broke in with: ``Come, +father; don't worry yourself for nothing''; +and then turning, added: ``To cut the thing +short, he found the notes under his candle- +stick, where he left them on going to bed. +This is all of it. We came here to stop this +fellow'' (by which he meant me) ``from carrying +a slander further. I advise you, good +people, to profit by the matter, and to look up +a more honest doctor, if doctoring be what +you want.'' + +As soon as he had ended, I remarked +solemnly: ``The words of the spirits are not my +words. Who shall hold them accountable?'' + +``Nonsense,'' said the young man. ``Come, +father''; and they left the room. + +Now was the time to retrieve my character. +``Gentlemen,'' said I, ``you have heard this +very singular account. Trusting the spirits +utterly and entirely as I do, it occurs to me +that there is no reason why they may not, +after all, have been right in their suspicions +of this young person. Who can say that, +overcome by remorse, he may not have seized +the time of his father's absence to replace the +money?'' + +To my amazement, up gets a little old man +from the corner. ``Well, you are a low cuss!'' +said he, and taking up a basket beside him, +hobbled hastily out of the room. You may +be sure I said some pretty sharp things to him, +for I was out of humor to begin with, and it +is one thing to be insulted by a stout young +man, and quite another to be abused by a +wretched old cripple. However, he went away, +and I supposed, for my part, that I was done +with the whole business. + +An hour later, however, I heard a rough +knock at my door, and opening it hastily, saw +my red-headed young man with the cripple. + +``Now,'' said the former, taking me by the +collar, and pulling me into the room among +my patients, ``I want to know, my man, if +this doctor said that it was likely I was the +thief after all?'' + +``That's what he said,'' replied the cripple; +``just about that, sir.'' + +I do not desire to dwell on the after +conduct of this hot-headed young man. It was +the more disgraceful as I offered but little +resistance, and endured a beating such as I +would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. +Nor was this all. He warned me that if I +dared to remain in the city after a week he +would shoot me. In the East I should have +thought but little of such a threat, but here +it was only too likely to be practically carried +out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of +character, but with much grief and reluctance, +I collected my whole fortune, which now +amounted to at least seven thousand dollars, +and turned my back upon this ungrateful +town. I am sorry to say that I also left +behind me the last of my good luck. + +I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached +Boston. The country anywhere would have +been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural +pursuits. It seemed an agreeable city, and I +decided to remain. + +I took good rooms at Parker's, and concluding +to enjoy life, amused myself in the company +of certain, I may say uncertain, young +women who danced at some of the theaters. +I played billiards, drank rather too much, +drove fast horses, and at the end of a delightful +year was shocked to find myself in debt, +and with only seven dollars and fifty-three +cents left--I like to be accurate. I had only +one resource: I determined to visit my deaf +aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could +do in the role of the prodigal nephew. At +all events, I should gain time to think of what +new enterprise I could take up; but, above +all, I needed a little capital and a house over +my head. I had pawned nearly everything +of any value which I possessed. + +I left my debts to gather interest, and went +away to Woodbury. It was the day before +Christmas when I reached the little Jersey +town, and it was also by good luck Sunday. +I was hungry and quite penniless. I wandered +about until church had begun, because +I was sure then to find Aunt Rachel and +Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to +explore a little. The house was closed, and +even the one servant absent. I got in with +ease at the back through the kitchen, and +having at least an hour and a half free from +interruption, I made a leisurely search. The +role of prodigal was well enough, but here +was a better chance and an indulgent opportunity. + +In a few moments I found the famous Bible +hid away under Aunt Rachel's mattress. The +Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended +to be moderate enough to escape suspicion. +Here were quite two thousand dollars. I +resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, +so as to keep a good balance. Then, alas! I +lit on a long envelop, my aunt's will. Every +cent was left to Christ Church; not a dime to +poor Pen or to me. I was in a rage. I tore +up the will and replaced the envelop. To +treat poor Pen that way--Pen of all people! +There was a heap more will than testament, +for all it was in the Bible. After that I +thought it was right to punish the old witch, +and so I took every note I could find. When +I was through with this business, I put back +the Bible under the mattress, and observing +that I had been quite too long, I went down- +stairs with a keen desire to leave the town as +early as possible. I was tempted, however, +to look further, and was rewarded by finding +in an old clock case a small reticule stuffed +with bank-notes. This I appropriated, and +made haste to go out. I was too late. As I +went into the little entry to get my hat and +coat, Aunt Rachel entered, followed by Peninnah. + +At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was +a monster and fit for the penitentiary. As +she could not hear at all, she had the talk to +herself, and went by me and up-stairs, +rumbling abuse like distant thunder overhead. + +Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The +pretty fool was seated on a chair, all dressed +up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward +and forward, crying, ``Oh, oh, ah!'' like +a lamb saying, ``Baa, baa, baa!'' She never +had much sense. I had to shake her to get a +reasonable word. She mopped her eyes, and +I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last +decided that I was the person who had thinned +her hoards. This was bad, but involved less +inconvenience than it might have done an +hour earlier. Amid tears Pen told me that a +detective had been at the house inquiring for +me. When this happened it seems that the +poor little goose had tried to fool deaf Aunt +Rachel with some made-up story as to the man +having come about taxes. I suppose the girl +was not any too sharp, and the old woman, I +guess, read enough from merely seeing the +man's lips. You never could keep anything +from her, and she was both curious and +suspicious. She assured the officer that I was a +thief, and hoped I might be caught. I could +not learn whether the man told Pen any +particulars, but as I was slowly getting at the +facts we heard a loud scream and a heavy +fall. + +Pen said, ``Oh, oh!'' and we hurried up- +stairs. There was the old woman on the +floor, her face twitching to right, and her +breathing a sort of hoarse croak. The big +Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what +had happened. It was a fit of apoplexy. + +At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed +to recover her wits, and said: ``Go away, go +away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know +you have stolen her money and killed her, +and--and I loved you, I was so proud of +you! Oh, oh!'' + +This was all very fine, but the advice was +good. I said: ``Yes, I had better go. Run +and get some one--a doctor. It is a fit of +hysterics; there is no danger. I will write +to you. You are quite mistaken.'' + +This was too feeble even for Pen, and she +cried: + +``No, never; I never want to see you again. +You would kill me next.'' + +``Stuff!'' said I, and ran down-stairs. I +seized my coat and hat, and went to the +tavern, where I got a man to drive me to +Camden. I have never seen Pen since. As +I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that +I should have asked when the detective had +been after me. I suspected from Pen's terror +that it had been recently. + +It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, +the day before Christmas. The ground was +covered with snow, and as I walked up Market +street my feet were soon soaked. In my +haste I had left my overshoes. I was very +cold, and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I +kept thinking of what a conspicuous thing a +fire-red head is, and of how many people +knew me. As I reached Woodbury early +and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all +day. I relied on Pen. + +Now I concluded to go down into my old +neighborhood and get a lodging where no +references were asked. Next day I would +secure a disguise and get out of the way. I +had passed the day without food, as I have +just said, and having ample means, concluded +to go somewhere and get a good dinner. It +was now close to three in the afternoon. I +was aware of two things: that I was making +many plans, and giving them up as soon as +made; and that I was suddenly afraid without +cause, afraid to enter an eating-house, +and in fear of every man I met. + +I went on, feeling more and more chilly. +When a man is really cold his mind does not +work well, and now it was blowing a keen +gale from the north. At Second and South +I came plump on a policeman I knew. He +looked at me through the drifting snow, as if +he was uncertain, and twice looked back after +having passed me. I turned west at Christian +street. When I looked behind me the +man was standing at the corner, staring after +me. At the next turn I hurried away northward +in a sort of anguish of terror. I have +said I was an uncommon person. I am. I +am sensitive, too. My mind is much above +the average, but unless I am warm and well +fed it does not act well, and I make mistakes. +At that time I was half frozen, in need of +food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool +squirming on the floor got on to my nerves. +I went on and on, and at last into Second +street, until I came to Christ Church, of all +places for me. I heard the sound of the +organ in the afternoon service. I felt I must +go in and get warm. Here was another silly +notion: I was afraid of hotels, but not of the +church. I reasoned vaguely that it was a +dark day, and darker in the church, and so I +went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat +near the north door. No one noticed me. I +sat still in a high-backed pew, well hid, and +wondering what was the matter with me. It +was curious that a doctor, and a man of my +intelligence, should have been long in guessing +a thing so simple. + +For two months I had been drinking hard, +and for two days had quit, being a man capable +of great self-control, and also being +short of money. Just before the benediction +I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at +me. In deadly fear I got up and quickly +slipped through a door into the tower room. +I said to myself, ``He will follow me or wait +outside.'' I stood a moment with my head +all of a whirl, and then in a shiver of fear +ran up the stairs to the tower until I got +into the bell-ringer's room. I was safe. I +sat down on a stool, twitching and tremulous. +There were the old books on bell-ringing, and +the miniature chime of small bells for +instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and +it swung the eight ropes about in a way I did +not like. I remember saying, ``Oh, don't do +that.'' At last I had a mad desire to ring +one of the bells. As a loop of rope swung +toward me it seemed to hold a face, and this +face cried out, ``Come and hang yourself; +then the bell will ring.'' + +If I slept I do not know. I may have done +so. Certainly I must have stayed there many +hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on +my guard, for when far into the night I +heard noises below, I ran up the steeper +steps which ascend to the steeple, where are +the bells. Half-way up I sat down on the +stair. The place was cold and the darkness +deep. Then I heard the eight ringers down +below. One said: ``Never knowed a Christmas +like this since Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, +boys!'' I knew it must be close on to mid- +night. Now they would play a Christmas +carol. I used every Christmas to be roused +up and carried here and set on dad's shoulder. +When they were done ringing, Number Two +always gave me a box of sugar-plums and a +large red apple. As they rang off, my father +would cry out, ``One, two,'' and so on, and +then cry, ``Elias, all over town people are +opening windows to listen.'' I seemed to +hear him as I sat in the gloom. Then I +heard, ``All ready; one, two,'' and they rang +the Christmas carol. Overhead I heard the +great bells ringing out: + + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. + + +I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum +the air. Great heavens! There was the old +woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going +twitch, twitch, the croak of her breathing +keeping a sort of mad time with ``On Christmas +day, on Christmas day.'' I jumped up. +She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort of way +what was the matter with me, but I had still +the sense to sit down and wait. I said now +it would be snakes, for once before I had +been almost as bad. But what I did see was +a little curly-headed boy in a white frock and +pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg +first; so queer of me to have noticed that. I +knew I was that boy. He was an innocent- +looking little chap, and was smiling. He +seemed to me to grow and grow, and at last +was a big, red-headed man with a live rat in his +hand. I saw nothing more, but I surely +knew I needed whisky. I waited until all +was still, and got down and out, for I knew +every window. I soon found a tavern, and +got a drink and some food. At once my fear +left me. I was warm at last and clear of +head, and had again my natural courage. I +was well aware that I was on the edge of +delirium tremens and must be most prudent. +I paid in advance for my room and treated +myself as I had done many another. Only a +man of unusual force could have managed +his own case as I did. I went out only at +night, and in a week was well enough to +travel. During this time I saw now and +then that grinning little fellow. Sometimes +he had an apple and was eating it. I do not +know why he was worse to me than snakes, +or the twitchy old woman with her wide eyes +of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to right. + +I decided to go back to Boston. I got to +New York prudently in a roundabout way, +and in two weeks' time was traveling east +from Albany. + +I felt well, and my spirits began at last to +rise to their usual level. When I arrived in +Boston I set myself to thinking how best I +could contrive to enjoy life and at the same +time to increase my means. I possessed sufficient +capital, and was able and ready to embark +in whatever promised the best returns +with the smallest personal risks. I settled +myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing +claims, and began to reflect with my ordinary +sagacity. + +We were now in the midst of a most absurd +war with the South, and it was becoming +difficult to escape the net of conscription. It +might be wise to think of this in time. +Europe seemed a desirable residence, but I +needed more money to make this agreeable, +and an investment for my brains was what +I wanted most. Many schemes presented +themselves as worthy the application of +industry and talent, but none of them altogether +suited my case. I thought at times +of traveling as a physiological lecturer, +combining with it the business of a practitioner: +scare the audience at night with an enumeration +of symptoms which belong to ten out of +every dozen healthy people, and then doctor +such of them as are gulls enough to consult +me next day. The bigger the fright the +better the pay. I was a little timid, however, +about facing large audiences, as a man +will be naturally if he has lived a life of +adventure, so that upon due consideration I +gave up the idea altogether. + +The patent medicine business also looked +well enough, but it is somewhat overdone at +all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with +the probable result of ill success. Indeed, I +believe one hundred quack remedies fail for +one that succeeds, and millions must have +been wasted in placards, bills, and advertisements, +which never returned half their value +to the speculator. I think I shall some day +beguile my time with writing an account of +the principal quack remedies which have met +with success. They are few in number, after +all, as any one must know who recalls the +countless pills and tonics which are puffed +awhile on the fences, and disappear, to be +heard of no more. + +Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake +a private insane asylum, which appeared to +me to offer facilities for money-making, as to +which, however, I may have been deceived by +the writings of certain popular novelists. I +went so far, I may say, as actually to visit +Concord for the purpose of finding a pleasant +locality and a suitable atmosphere. Upon +reflection I abandoned my plans, as +involving too much personal labor to suit one +of my easy frame of mind. + +Tired at last of idleness and lounging on +the Common, I engaged in two or three little +ventures of a semi-professional character, +such as an exhibition of laughing-gas, +advertising to cure cancer,--``Send twenty-five +stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an +infallible receipt,''--etc. I did not find, however, +that these little enterprises prospered well in +New England, and I had recalled very forcibly +a story which my father was fond of +relating to me in my boyhood. It was about +how certain very knowing flies went to get +molasses, and how it ended by the molasses +getting them. This, indeed, was precisely +what happened to me in all my efforts to +better myself in the Northern States, until +at length my misfortunes climaxed in total +and unexpected ruin. + +Having been very economical, I had now +about twenty-seven hundred dollars. It was +none too much. At this time I made the +acquaintance of a sea-captain from Maine. +He told me that he and two others had chartered +a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica +with a variety cargo. In fact, he meant to +run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he +was to carry quinine, chloroform, and other +medical requirements for the Confederates. +He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more, +and a doctor to buy the kind of things which +army surgeons require. Of course I was +prudent and he careful, but at last, on his +proving to me that there was no risk, I +agreed to expend his money, his friends', +and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars. +I saw the other men, one of them a +rebel captain. I was well pleased with the +venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to +go with them on the steamer. It was a +promising investment, and I am free to +reflect that in this, as in some other things, I +have been free from vulgar prejudices. I +bought all that we needed, and was well +satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in +the hold. + +We were to sail on a certain Thursday +morning in September, 1863. I sent my +trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening +before we were to start to go on board, +but found that the little steamer had been +hauled out from the pier. The captain, who +met me at this time, endeavored to get a +boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was +blowing, and he advised me to wait until +morning. My associates were already on +board. Early next day I dressed and went +to the captain's room, which proved to be +empty. I was instantly filled with doubt, +and ran frantically to the Long Wharf, +where, to my horror, I could see no signs +of the vessel or captain. Neither have I +ever set eyes on them from that time to this. +I thought of lodging information with the +police as to the unpatriotic design of the +rascal who swindled me, but on the whole +concluded that it was best to hold my tongue. + +It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt +milk as to be little worth lamenting, and I +therefore set to work, with my accustomed +energy, to utilize on my own behalf the +resources of my medical education, which so +often before had saved me from want. The +war, then raging at its height, appeared to +offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. +The path which I chose was apparently a +humble one, but it enabled me to make very +practical use of my professional knowledge, +and afforded for a time rapid and secure +returns, without any other investment than a +little knowledge cautiously employed. In the +first place, I deposited my small remnant of +property in a safe bank. Then I went to +Providence, where, as I had heard, patriotic +persons were giving very large bounties in +order, I suppose, to insure the government +the services of better men than themselves. +On my arrival I lost no time in offering +myself as a substitute, and was readily accepted, +and very soon mustered into the Twentieth +Rhode Island. Three months were passed +in camp, during which period I received +bounty to the extent of six hundred and +fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly +deserted about two hours before the regiment +left for the field. With the product of my +industry I returned to Boston, and deposited +all but enough to carry me to New York, +where within a month I enlisted twice, earning +on each occasion four hundred dollars. + +After this I thought it wise to try the same +game in some of the smaller towns near to +Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace +with a good deal of doubt; but I selected a +regiment in camp at Norristown, which is +eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly +seven hundred dollars by entering the service +as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, +I presume, was mightier than his sword. I +was, however, disagreeably surprised by being +hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy +young lieutenant, who brutally shot down a +poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for +attempting to desert. At this point I began +to make use of my medical skill, for I did +not in the least degree fancy being shot, +either because of deserting or of not deserting. +It happened, therefore, that a day or +two later, while in Washington, I was seized +in the street with a fit, which perfectly +imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused +him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital. +Here I found it necessary to perform fits +about twice a week, and as there were several +real epileptics in the ward, I had a +capital chance of studying their symptoms, +which, finally, I learned to imitate with the +utmost cleverness. + +I soon got to know three or four men who, +like myself, were personally averse to bullets, +and who were simulating other forms of +disease with more or less success. One of +them suffered with rheumatism of the back, +and walked about like an old man; another, +who had been to the front, was palsied in the +right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on +the leg, rubbing in a little antimonial +ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold +him at five dollars a box. + +A change in the hospital staff brought all +of us to grief. The new surgeon was a quiet, +gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes +and clearly cut features, and a way of looking +at you without saying much. I felt so +safe myself that I watched his procedures +with just that kind of enjoyment which one +clever man takes in seeing another at work. + +The first inspection settled two of us. + +``Another back case,'' said the assistant +surgeon to his senior. + +``Back hurt you?'' says the latter, mildly. + +``Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't +never been able to stand straight since.'' + +``A howitzer!'' says the surgeon. ``Lean +forward, my man, so as to touch the floor-- +so. That will do.'' Then turning to his aid, +he said, ``Prepare this man's discharge +papers.'' + +``His discharge, sir?'' + +``Yes; I said that. Who's next?'' + +``Thank you, sir,'' groaned the man with +the back. ``How soon, sir, do you think it +will be?'' + +``Ah, not less than a month,'' replied the +surgeon, and passed on. + +Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like +the letter C, and as the patient presumed that +his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed +himself a little relaxation in the way of +becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice +blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and +one fine morning Smithson was appalled at +finding himself in a detachment bound for +the field, and bearing on his descriptive list +an ill-natured indorsement about his malady. + +The surgeon came next on O'Callahan, +standing, like each of us, at the foot of his +own bed. + +``I've paralytics in my arm,'' he said, with +intention to explain his failure to salute his +superior. + +``Humph!'' said the surgeon; ``you have +another hand.'' + +``An' it's not the rigulation to saloot with +yer left,'' said the Irishman, with a grin, while +the patients around us began to smile. + +``How did it happen?'' said the surgeon. + +``I was shot in the shoulder,'' answered the +patient, ``about three months ago, sir. I +haven't stirred it since.'' + +The surgeon looked at the scar. + +``So recently?'' said he. ``The scar looks +older; and, by the way, doctor,''--to his +junior,--``it could not have gone near the +nerves. Bring the battery, orderly.'' + +In a few moments the surgeon was testing +one after another, the various muscles. At +last he stopped. ``Send this man away with +the next detachment. Not a word, my man. +You are a rascal, and a disgrace to honest +men who have been among bullets.'' + +The man muttered something, I did not +hear what. + +``Put this man in the guard-house,'' cried +the surgeon, and so passed on without smile +or frown. + +As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he +was put in bed, and his leg locked up in a +wooden splint, which effectually prevented +him from touching the part diseased. It +healed in ten days, and he too went as food +for powder. + +The surgeon asked me a few questions, and +requesting to be sent for during my next fit, +left me alone. + +I was, of course, on my guard, and took +care to have my attacks only during his +absence, or to have them over before he arrived. +At length, one morning, in spite of my care, +he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on the +floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in +strong convulsions. Presently I felt a finger +on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the +surgeon standing beside me. To escape his +scrutiny I became more violent in my +motions. He stopped a moment and looked at +me steadily. ``Poor fellow!'' said he, to my +great relief, as I felt at once that I had +successfully deceived him. Then he turned to +the ward doctor and remarked: ``Take care +he does not hurt his head against the bed; +and, by the by, doctor, do you remember the +test we applied in Carstairs's case? Just tickle +the soles of his feet and see if it will cause +those backward spasms of the head.'' + +The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, +I jerked my head backward as hard as I +could. + +``That will answer,'' said the surgeon, to +my horror. ``A clever rogue. Send him to +the guard-house.'' + +Happy had I been had my ill luck ended +here, but as I crossed the yard an officer +stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain +of my old Rhode Island company. + +``Hello!'' said he; ``keep that fellow safe. +I know him.'' + +To cut short a long story, I was tried, +convicted, and forced to refund the Rhode Island +bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank- +book among my papers. I was finally sent +to Fort Delaware and kept at hard labor, +handling and carrying shot, policing the +ground, picking up cigar-stumps, and other +light, unpleasant occupations. + +When the war was over I was released. I +went at once to Boston, where I had about +four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly +all of this sum before I could satisfy the +accumulated cravings of a year and a half without +drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I +was about to engage in a little business as a +vender of lottery policies when I first began +to feel a strange sense of lassitude, which +soon increased so as quite to disable me from +work of any kind. Month after month passed +away, while my money lessened, and this +terrible sense of weariness went on from +bad to worse. At last one day, after nearly +a year had elapsed, I perceived on my face a +large brown patch of color, in consequence +of which I went in some alarm to consult a +well-known physician. He asked me a multitude +of tiresome questions, and at last wrote +off a prescription, which I immediately read. +It was a preparation of arsenic. + +``What do you think,'' said I, ``is the matter +with me, doctor?'' + +``I am afraid,'' said he, ``that you have a +very serious trouble--what we call Addison's +disease.'' + +``What's that?'' said I. + +``I do not think you would comprehend +it,'' he replied; ``it is an affection of the +suprarenal capsules.'' + +I dimly remembered that there were such +organs, and that nobody knew what they +were meant for. It seemed that doctors had +found a use for them at last. + +``Is it a dangerous disease?'' I said. + +``I fear so,'' he answered. + +``Don't you really know,'' I asked, ``what's +the truth about it?'' + +``Well,'' he returned gravely, ``I'm sorry +to tell you it is a very dangerous malady.'' + +``Nonsense!'' said I; ``I don't believe it''; +for I thought it was only a doctor's trick, and +one I had tried often enough myself. + +``Thank you,'' said he; ``you are a very ill +man, and a fool besides. Good morning.'' +He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not +therefore find it necessary to escape payment +by telling him I was a doctor. + +Several weeks went by; my money was +gone, my clothes were ragged, and, like my +body, nearly worn out, and now I am an +inmate of a hospital. To-day I feel weaker +than when I first began to write. How it +will end, I do not know. If I die, the doctor +will get this pleasant history, and if I live, I +shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little +money I will set out to look for my sister. +I dreamed about her last night. What I +dreamed was not very agreeable. I thought +it was night. I was walking up one of the +vilest streets near my old office, and a girl +spoke to me--a shameless, worn creature, +with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, +``Brother, brother!'' and then remembering +what she had been, with her round, girlish, +innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what +she was now, I awoke and saw the dim light +of the half-darkened ward. + +I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff +has amused me and, I think, done me good. +That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I +must tear up all this biography. + +``Hello, nurse! The little boy--boy--'' + + +``GOOD HEAVENS!'' said the nurse, ``he is +dead! Dr. Alston said it would happen this +way. The screen, quick--the screen--and +let the doctor know.'' + + + + + + +THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + +The following notes of my own +case have been declined on various +pretests by every medical +journal to which I have offered +them. There was, perhaps, +some reason in this, because many of the +medical facts which they record are not +altogether new, and because the psychical +deductions to which they have led me are not +in themselves of medical interest. I ought +to add that a great deal of what is here +related is not of any scientific value +whatsoever; but as one or two people on whose +judgment I rely have advised me to print +my narrative with all the personal details, +rather than in the dry shape in which, as a +psychological statement, I shall publish it +elsewhere, I have yielded to their views. I +suspect, however, that the very character of +my record will, in the eyes of some of my +readers, tend to lessen the value of the +metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + + +I am the son of a physician, still in large +practice, in the village of Abington, Scofield +County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his +future partner, I studied medicine in his +office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended lectures +at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. +My second course should have been in +the following year, but the outbreak of the +Rebellion so crippled my father's means that +I was forced to abandon my intention. The +demand for army surgeons at this time +became very great; and although not a graduate, +I found no difficulty in getting the place +of assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana +Volunteers. In the subsequent Western +campaigns this organization suffered so +severely that before the term of its service +was over it was merged in the Twenty-first +Indiana Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, +ranked by the medical officers of the latter +regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth +Indiana Cavalry. Like many physicians, I +had contracted a strong taste for army life, +and, disliking cavalry service, sought and +obtained the position of first lieutenant in +the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an +infantry regiment of excellent character. + +On the day after I assumed command of +my company, which had no captain, we were +sent to garrison a part of a line of block- +houses stretching along the Cumberland +River below Nashville, then occupied by a +portion of the command of General Rosecrans. + +The life we led while on this duty was +tedious and at the same time dangerous in +the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the +water horrible, and we had no cavalry to +forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted +to levy supplies upon the scattered farms +around us, the population seemed suddenly +to double, and in the shape of guerrillas +``potted'' us industriously from behind +distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these +various and unpleasant influences, combined +with a fair infusion of malaria, our men +rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, +no proper medical supplies had been forwarded +with our small force (two companies), +and, as the fall advanced, the want +of quinine and stimulants became a serious +annoyance. Moreover, our rations were +running low; we had been three weeks without +a new supply; and our commanding officer, +Major Henry L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as +to the safety of his men. About this time it was +supposed that a train with rations would be +due from the post twenty miles to the north +of us; yet it was quite possible that it would +bring us food, but no medicines, which were +what we most needed. The command was +too small to detach any part of it, and the +major therefore resolved to send an officer +alone to the post above us, where the rest of +the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence they could +easily forward quinine and stimulants by the +train, if it had not left, or, if it had, by a +small cavalry escort. + +It so happened, to my cost, as it turned +out, that I was the only officer fit to make +the journey, and I was accordingly ordered +to proceed to Blockhouse No. 3 and make +the required arrangements. I started alone +just after dusk the next night, and during +the darkness succeeded in getting within +three miles of my destination. At this time +I found that I had lost my way, and, although +aware of the danger of my act, was forced to +turn aside and ask at a log cabin for +directions. The house contained a dried-up old +woman and four white-headed, half-naked +children. The woman was either stone-deaf +or pretended to be so; but, at all events, she +gave me no satisfaction, and I remounted +and rode away. On coming to the end of a +lane, into which I had turned to seek the +cabin, I found to my surprise that the bars +had been put up during my brief parley. +They were too high to leap, and I therefore +dismounted to pull them down. As I touched +the top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the same +instant felt a blow on both arms, which fell +helpless. I staggered to my horse and tried +to mount; but, as I could use neither arm, +the effort was vain, and I therefore stood still, +awaiting my fate. I am only conscious that +I saw about me several graybacks, for I must +have fallen fainting almost immediately. + +When I awoke I was lying in the cabin +near by, upon a pile of rubbish. Ten or +twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, +apparently drawing lots for my watch, boots, +hat, etc. I now made an effort to find out +how far I was hurt. I discovered that I +could use the left forearm and hand pretty +well, and with this hand I felt the right limb +all over until I touched the wound. The ball +had passed from left to right through the left +biceps, and directly through the right arm +just below the shoulder, emerging behind. +The right arm and forearm were cold and +perfectly insensible. I pinched them as well +as I could, to test the amount of sensation +remaining; but the hand might as well have +been that of a dead man. I began to understand +that the nerves had been wounded, and +that the part was utterly powerless. By this +time my friends had pretty well divided the +spoils, and, rising together, went out. The +old woman then came to me, and said: +``Reckon you'd best git up. They-'uns is +a-goin' to take you away.'' To this I only +answered, ``Water, water.'' I had a grim +sense of amusement on finding that the old +woman was not deaf, for she went out, and +presently came back with a gourdful, which +I eagerly drank. An hour later the graybacks +returned, and finding that I was too +weak to walk, carried me out and laid me on +the bottom of a common cart, with which +they set off on a trot. The jolting was +horrible, but within an hour I began to have in +my dead right hand a strange burning, which +was rather a relief to me. It increased as the +sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt +as if the hand was caught and pinched in a +red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged +my guard for water to wet it with, but for +some reason they desired silence, and at every +noise threatened me with a revolver. At +length the pain became absolutely unendurable, +and I grew what it is the fashion to call +demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled +in my torture, until, as I suppose, my captors +became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a +handkerchief,--my own, I fancy,--and a canteen +of water, with which I wetted the hand, +to my unspeakable relief. + +It is unnecessary to detail the events by +which, finally, I found myself in one of the +rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the +first time, my wounds were properly cleansed +and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, who +treated me throughout with great kindness. +I told him I had been a doctor, which, +perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the +unusual tenderness with which I was managed. +The left arm was now quite easy, +although, as will be seen, it never entirely +healed. The right arm was worse than ever +--the humerus broken, the nerves wounded, +and the hand alive only to pain. I use this +phrase because it is connected in my mind +with a visit from a local visitor,--I am not +sure he was a preacher,--who used to go +daily through the wards, and talk to us or +write our letters. One morning he stopped +at my bed, when this little talk occurred: + +``How are you, lieutenant?'' + +``Oh,'' said I, ``as usual. All right, but this +hand, which is dead except to pain.'' + +``Ah,'' said he, ``such and thus will the +wicked be--such will you be if you die in +your sins: you will go where only pain can +be felt. For all eternity, all of you will be +just like that hand--knowing pain only.'' + +I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I +felt a sudden and chilling horror of possible +universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When +I awoke the hand was worse, if that could be. +It was red, shining, aching, burning, and, as +it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot +files. When the doctor came I begged for +morphia. He said gravely: ``We have none. +You know you don't allow it to pass the +lines.'' It was sadly true. + +I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand +again, my sole relief. In about an hour Dr. +Wilson came back with two aids, and +explained to me that the bone was so crushed +as to make it hopeless to save it, and that, +besides, amputation offered some chance of +arresting the pain. I had thought of this +before, but the anguish I felt--I cannot say +endured--was so awful that I made no more +of losing the limb than of parting with a +tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, +brief preparations were made, which I +watched with a sort of eagerness such as +must forever be inexplicable to any one who +has not passed six weeks of torture like that +which I had suffered. + +I had but one pang before the operation. +As I arranged myself on the left side, so as +to make it convenient for the operator to use +the knife, I asked: ``Who is to give me the +ether?'' ``We have none,'' said the person +questioned. I set my teeth, and said no +more. + +I need not describe the operation. The +pain felt was severe, but it was insignificant +as compared with that of any other minute of +the past six weeks. The limb was removed +very near to the shoulder-joint. As the second +incision was made, I felt a strange flash +of pain play through the limb, as if it were +in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was +followed by instant, unspeakable relief, and +before the flaps were brought together I was +sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as +I pointed to the arm which lay on the floor: +``There is the pain, and here am I. How +queer!'' Then I slept--slept the sleep of +the just, or, better, of the painless. From +this time forward I was free from neuralgia. +At a subsequent period I saw a number of +cases similar to mine in a hospital in Philadelphia. + +It is no part of my plan to detail my weary +months of monotonous prison life in the +South. In the early part of April, 1863, I +was exchanged, and after the usual thirty days' +furlough returned to my regiment a captain. + +On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred +the battle of Chickamauga, in which my regiment +took a conspicuous part. The close of +our own share in this contest is, as it were, +burned into my memory with every least +detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found +ourselves in line, under cover of a long, thin +row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a +gentle slope, from which, again, rose a hill +rather more abrupt, and crowned with an +earthwork. We received orders to cross this +space and take the fort in front, while a +brigade on our right was to make a like +movement on its flank. + +Just before we emerged into the open +ground, we noticed what, I think, was common +in many fights--that the enemy had +begun to bowl round shot at us, probably +from failure of shell. We passed across the +valley in good order, although the men fell +rapidly all along the line. As we climbed +the hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew +heavier. At this moment a battery opened +on our left, the shots crossing our heads +obliquely. It is this moment which is so +printed on my recollection. I can see now, +as if through a window, the gray smoke, lit +with red flashes, the long, wavering line, +the sky blue above, the trodden furrows, +blotted with blue blouses. Then it was as if +the window closed, and I knew and saw no +more. No other scene in my life is thus +scarred, if I may say so, into my memory. I +have a fancy that the horrible shock which +suddenly fell upon me must have had something +to do with thus intensifying the +momentary image then before my eyes. + +When I awakened, I was lying under a tree +somewhere at the rear. The ground was +covered with wounded, and the doctors were +busy at an operating-table, improvised from +two barrels and a plank. At length two of +them who were examining the wounded +about me came up to where I lay. A hospital +steward raised my head and poured +down some brandy and water, while another +cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors +exchanged looks and walked away. I asked +the steward where I was hit. + +``Both thighs,'' said he; ``the doctors won't +do nothing.'' + +``No use?'' said I. + +``Not much,'' said he. + +``Not much means none at all,'' I answered. + +When he had gone I set myself to thinking +about a good many things I had better have +thought of before, but which in no way concern +the history of my case. A half-hour +went by. I had no pain, and did not get +weaker. At last, I cannot explain why, I +began to look about me. At first things +appeared a little hazy. I remember one +thing which thrilled me a little, even then. + +A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to +a doctor near me, saying, ``When you've a +little leisure, just take a look at my side.'' + +``Do it now,'' said the doctor. + +The officer exposed his wound. ``Ball +went in here, and out there.'' + +The doctor looked up at him--half pity, +half amazement. ``If you've got any +message, you'd best send it by me.'' + +``Why, you don't say it's serious?'' was the +reply. + +``Serious! Why, you're shot through the +stomach. You won't live over the day.'' + +Then the man did what struck me as a +very odd thing. He said, ``Anybody got a +pipe?'' Some one gave him a pipe. He filled +it deliberately, struck a light with a flint, and +sat down against a tree near to me. Presently +the doctor came to him again, and +asked him what he could do for him. + +``Send me a drink of Bourbon.'' + +``Anything else?'' + +``No.'' + +As the doctor left him, he called him back. +``It's a little rough, doc, isn't it?'' + +No more passed, and I saw this man no +longer. Another set of doctors were handling +my legs, for the first time causing pain. +A moment after a steward put a towel over +my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of +chloroform, which I was glad enough to +breathe. In a moment the trees began to +move around from left to right, faster and +faster; then a universal grayness came before +me,--and I recall nothing further until +I awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. +I got hold of my own identity in a moment +or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp +cramp in my left leg. I tried to get at it to +rub it with my single arm, but, finding +myself too weak, hailed an attendant. ``Just +rub my left calf,'' said I, ``if you please.'' + +``Calf?'' said he. ``You ain't none. It's +took off.'' + +``I know better,'' said I. ``I have pain in +both legs.'' + +``Wall, I never!'' said he. ``You ain't +got nary leg.'' + +As I did not believe him, he threw off the +covers, and, to my horror, showed me that I +had suffered amputation of both thighs, very +high up. + +``That will do,'' said I, faintly. + +A month later, to the amazement of every +one, I was so well as to be moved from the +crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, +where I filled one of the ten thousand +beds of that vast metropolis of hospitals. Of +the sufferings which then began I shall +presently speak. It will be best just now to +detail the final misfortune which here fell upon +me. Hospital No. 2, in which I lay, was +inconveniently crowded with severely wounded +officers. After my third week an epidemic +of hospital gangrene broke out in my ward. +In three days it attacked twenty persons. +Then an inspector came, and we were transferred +at once to the open air, and placed in +tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my +remaining arm, which still suppurated, was +seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, +bromine, was used locally, but the main +artery opened, was tied, bled again and +again, and at last, as a final resort, the +remaining arm was amputated at the shoulder- +joint. Against all chances I recovered, to +find myself a useless torso, more like some +strange larval creature than anything of +human shape. Of my anguish and horror +of myself I dare not speak. I have dictated +these pages, not to shock my readers, but to +possess them with facts in regard to the +relation of the mind to the body; and I hasten, +therefore, to such portions of my case as best +illustrate these views. + +In January, 1864, I was forwarded to +Philadelphia, in order to enter what was known +as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in +charge of Dr. Hopkinson. This favor was +obtained through the influence of my father's +friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has +always manifested an interest in my case, for +which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, +at the time, that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, +might be able to adapt some form of arm to +my left shoulder, as on that side there +remained five inches of the arm-bone, which I +could move to a moderate extent. The hope +proved illusory, as the stump was always too +tender to bear any pressure. The hospital +referred to was in charge of several surgeons +while I was an inmate, and was at all times +a clean and pleasant home. It was filled with +men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of +each, as happened now and then. I saw one +man who had lost both legs, and one who had +parted with both arms; but none, like myself, +stripped of every limb. There were collected +in this place hundreds of these cases, which +gave to it, with reason enough, the not very +pleasing title of Stump Hospital. + +I spent here three and a half months, +before my transfer to the United States Army +Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the +Nervous System. Every morning I was carried +out in an arm-chair and placed in the library, +where some one was always ready to write or +read for me, or to fill my pipe. The doctors +lent me medical books; the ladies brought me +luxuries and fed me; and, save that I was +helpless to a degree which was humiliating, I +was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + +I amused myself at this time by noting in +my mind all that I could learn from other +limbless folk, and from myself, as to the +peculiar feelings which were noticed in regard +to lost members. I found that the great +mass of men who had undergone amputations +for many months felt the usual consciousness +that they still had the lost limb. +It itched or pained, or was cramped, but +never felt hot or cold. If they had painful +sensations referred to it, the conviction of its +existence continued unaltered for long periods; +but where no pain was felt in it, then +by degrees the sense of having that limb +faded away entirely. I think we may to +some extent explain this. The knowledge +we possess of any part is made up of the +numberless impressions from without which +affect its sensitive surfaces, and which are +transmitted through its nerves to the spinal +nerve-cells, and through them, again, to the +brain. We are thus kept endlessly informed +as to the existence of parts, because the +impressions which reach the brain are, by a law +of our being, referred by us to the part from +which they come. Now, when the part is cut +off, the nerve-trunks which led to it and from +it, remaining capable of being impressed by +irritations, are made to convey to the brain +from the stump impressions which are, as +usual, referred by the brain to the lost parts +to which these nerve-threads belonged. In +other words, the nerve is like a bell-wire. +You may pull it at any part of its course, +and thus ring the bell as well as if you pulled +at the end of the wire; but, in any case, +the intelligent servant will refer the pull to +the front door, and obey it accordingly. The +impressions made on the severed ends of the +nerve are due often to changes in the stump +during healing, and consequently cease when +it has healed, so that finally, in a very healthy +stump, no such impressions arise; the brain +ceases to correspond with the lost leg, and, +as les absents ont toujours tort, it is no longer +remembered or recognized. But in some +cases, such as mine proved at last to my sorrow, +the ends of the nerves undergo a curious +alteration, and get to be enlarged and +altered. This change, as I have seen in my +practice of medicine, sometimes passes up +the nerves toward the centers, and occasions +a more or less constant irritation of the nerve- +fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually +referred by the brain to that part of the lost +limb to which the affected nerve belonged. +This pain keeps the brain ever mindful of +the missing part, and, imperfectly at least, +preserves to the man a consciousness of +possessing that which he has not. + +Where the pains come and go, as they do +in certain cases, the subjective sensations +thus occasioned are very curious, since in +such cases the man loses and gains, and loses +and regains, the consciousness of the presence +of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, +``Now I feel my thumb, now I feel my +little finger.'' I should also add that nearly +every person who has lost an arm above the +elbow feels as though the lost member were +bent at the elbow, and at times is vividly +impressed with the notion that his fingers are +strongly flexed. + +Other persons present a peculiarity which +I am at a loss to account for. Where the +leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as +if the foot were present, but as though the leg +were shortened. Thus, if the thigh has been +taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at +the knee; if the arm, a hand seems to be at +the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + +Before leaving Nashville I had begun to +suffer the most acute pain in my left hand, +especially the little finger; and so perfect was +the idea which was thus kept up of the real +presence of these missing parts that I found +it hard at times to believe them absent. Often +at night I would try with one lost hand to +grope for the other. As, however, I had no +pain in the right arm, the sense of the +existence of that limb gradually disappeared, as +did that of my legs also. + +Everything was done for my neuralgia +which the doctors could think of; and at +length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as +I have said, from the Stump Hospital to the +United States Army Hospital for Injuries +and Diseases of the Nervous System. It was +a pleasant, suburban, old-fashioned country- +seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of +wooden, one-story wards, shaded by fine trees. +There were some three hundred cases of +epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus's dance, and wounds +of nerves. On one side of me lay a poor fellow, +a Dane, who had the same burning neuralgia +with which I once suffered, and which I now +learned was only too common. This man +had become hysterical from pain. He carried +a sponge in his pocket, and a bottle of +water in one hand, with which he constantly +wetted the burning hand. Every sound +increased his torture, and he even poured water +into his boots to keep himself from feeling +too sensibly the rough friction of his soles +when walking. Like him, I was greatly +eased by having small doses of morphia +injected under the skin of my shoulder with a +hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + +As I improved under the morphia treatment, +I began to be disturbed by the horrible +variety of suffering about me. One man +walked sideways; there was one who could +not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. +In fact, every one had his own abnormal +peculiarity. Near me was a strange +case of palsy of the muscles called +rhomboids, whose office it is to hold down the +shoulder-blades flat on the back during the +motions of the arms, which, in themselves, +were strong enough. When, however, he +lifted these members, the shoulder-blades +stood out from the back like wings, and got +him the sobriquet of the ``Angel.'' In my +ward were also the cases of fits, which very +much annoyed me, as upon any great change +in the weather it was common to have a +dozen convulsions in view at once. Dr. Neek, +one of our physicians, told me that on one +occasion a hundred and fifty fits took place +within thirty-six hours. On my complaining +of these sights, whence I alone could not fly, +I was placed in the paralytic and wound +ward, which I found much more pleasant. + +A month of skilful treatment eased me +entirely of my aches, and I then began to +experience certain curious feelings, upon +which, having nothing to do and nothing +to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. +It was a good while before I could correctly +explain to my own satisfaction the phenomena +which at this time I was called upon +to observe. By the various operations +already described I had lost about four fifths +of my weight. As a consequence of this I +ate much less than usual, and could scarcely +have consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept +also but little; for, as sleep is the repose of +the brain, made necessary by the waste of its +tissues during thought and voluntary movement, +and as this latter did not exist in my +case, I needed only that rest which was +necessary to repair such exhaustion of the nerve- +centers as was induced by thinking and the +automatic movements of the viscera. + +I observed at this time also that my heart, +in place of beating, as it once did, seventy- +eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five +times in this interval--a fact to be easily +explained by the perfect quiescence to which +I was reduced, and the consequent absence of +that healthy and constant stimulus to the +muscles of the heart which exercise occasions. + +Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my +physical health was good, which, I confess, +surprised me, for this among other reasons: +It is said that a burn of two thirds of the +surface destroys life, because then all the +excretory matters which this portion of the +glands of the skin evolved are thrown upon +the blood, and poison the man, just as happens +in an animal whose skin the physiologist +has varnished, so as in this way to destroy +its function. Yet here was I, having lost at +least a third of my skin, and apparently none +the worse for it. + +Still more remarkable, however, were the +psychical changes which I now began to perceive. +I found to my horror that at times I +was less conscious of myself, of my own +existence, than used to be the case. This +sensation was so novel that at first it quite +bewildered me. I felt like asking some one +constantly if I were really George Dedlow or +not; but, well aware how absurd I should +seem after such a question, I refrained from +speaking of my case, and strove more keenly +to analyze my feelings. At times the conviction +of my want of being myself was overwhelming +and most painful. It was, as well +as I can describe it, a deficiency in the egoistic +sentiment of individuality. About one half +of the sensitive surface of my skin was gone, +and thus much of relation to the outer world +destroyed. As a consequence, a large part +of the receptive central organs must be out +of employ, and, like other idle things, +degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all the great +central ganglia, which give rise to movements in +the limbs, were also eternally at rest. Thus +one half of me was absent or functionally +dead. This set me to thinking how much a +man might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy +enough to survive, I might part with +my spleen at least, as many a dog has done, +and grown fat afterwards. The other organs +with which we breathe and circulate the blood +would be essential; so also would the liver; +but at least half of the intestines might be +dispensed with, and of course all of the limbs. +And as to the nervous system, the only parts +really necessary to life are a few small ganglia. +Were the rest absent or inactive, we should +have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest +terms, and leading an almost vegetative +existence. Would such a being, I asked myself, +possess the sense of individuality in its usual +completeness, even if his organs of sensation +remained, and he were capable of consciousness? +Of course, without them, he could +not have it any more than a dahlia or a tulip. +But with them--how then? I concluded that +it would be at a minimum, and that, if utter +loss of relation to the outer world were capable +of destroying a man's consciousness of +himself, the destruction of half of his sensitive +surfaces might well occasion, in a less +degree, a like result, and so diminish his +sense of individual existence. + +I thus reached the conclusion that a man +is not his brain, or any one part of it, but all +of his economy, and that to lose any part +must lessen this sense of his own existence. +I found but one person who properly appreciated +this great truth. She was a New England +lady, from Hartford--an agent, I think, +for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. +After I had told her my views and feelings +she said: ``Yes, I comprehend. The fractional +entities of vitality are embraced in the +oneness of the unitary Ego. Life,'' she added, +``is the garnered condensation of objective +impressions; and as the objective is the +remote father of the subjective, so must +individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, +suffer and fade when the sensation lenses, by +which the rays of impression are condensed, +become destroyed.'' I am not quite clear that +I fully understood her, but I think she +appreciated my ideas, and I felt grateful for +her kindly interest. + +The strange want I have spoken of now +haunted and perplexed me so constantly that +I became moody and wretched. While in +this state, a man from a neighboring ward +fell one morning into conversation with the +chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some +of their words arrested my attention, and I +turned my head to see and listen. The +speaker, who wore a sergeant's chevron and +carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely +made person, with a pale face, light eyes of +a washed-out blue tint, and very sparse yellow +whiskers. His mouth was weak, both +lips being almost alike, so that the organ +might have been turned upside down without +affecting its expression. His forehead, +however, was high and thinly covered with sandy +hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, +will feeble; emotional, but not passionate; +likely to be an enthusiast or a weakly bigot. + +I caught enough of what passed to make +me call to the sergeant when the chaplain +left him. + +``Good morning,'' said he. ``How do you +get on?'' + +``Not at all,'' I replied. ``Where were you +hit?'' + +``Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the +shoulder. I have what the doctors call paralysis +of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. +Neek and the lightnin' battery will fix it. +When my time's out I'll go back to Kearsarge +and try on the school-teaching again. +I've done my share.'' + +``Well,'' said I, ``you're better off than I.'' + +``Yes,'' he answered, ``in more ways than +one. I belong to the New Church. It's a +great comfort for a plain man like me, when +he's weary and sick, to be able to turn away +from earthly things and hold converse daily +with the great and good who have left this +here world. We have a circle in Coates +street. If it wa'n't for the consoling I get +there, I'd of wished myself dead many a time. +I ain't got kith or kin on earth; but this +matters little, when one can just talk to them +daily and know that they are in the spheres +above us.'' + +``It must be a great comfort,'' I replied, +``if only one could believe it.'' + +``Believe!'' he repeated. ``How can you +help it? Do you suppose anything dies?'' + +``No,'' I said. ``The soul does not, I am sure; +and as to matter, it merely changes form.'' + +``But why, then,'' said he, ``should not the +dead soul talk to the living? In space, no +doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in +finer, more ethereal being. You can't suppose +a naked soul moving about without a +bodily garment--no creed teaches that; and +if its new clothing be of like substance to +ours, only of ethereal fineness,--a more delicate +recrystallization about the eternal spiritual +nucleus,--must it not then possess +powers as much more delicate and refined as +is the new material in which it is reclad?'' + +``Not very clear,'' I answered; ``but, after +all, the thing should be susceptible of some +form of proof to our present senses.'' + +``And so it is,'' said he. ``Come to-morrow +with me, and you shall see and hear for yourself.'' + +``I will,'' said I, ``if the doctor will lend +me the ambulance.'' + +It was so arranged, as the surgeon in +charge was kind enough, as usual, to oblige +me with the loan of his wagon, and two +orderlies to lift my useless trunk. + +On the day following I found myself, with +my new comrade, in a house in Coates street, +where a ``circle'' was in the daily habit of +meeting. So soon as I had been comfortably +deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large pine +table, the rest of those assembled seated +themselves, and for some time preserved an +unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized +the persons present. Next to me, on +my right, sat a flabby man, with ill-marked, +baggy features and injected eyes. He was, +as I learned afterwards, an eclectic doctor, +who had tried his hand at medicine and several +of its quackish variations, finally settling +down on eclecticism, which I believe professes +to be to scientific medicine what vegetarianism +is to common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next +to him sat a female-authoress, I think, of +two somewhat feeble novels, and much pleasanter +to look at than her books. She was, I +thought, a good deal excited at the prospect +of spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a +pallid, care-worn young woman, with very +red lips, and large brown eyes of great +beauty. She was, as I learned afterwards, +a magnetic patient of the doctor, and had +deserted her husband, a master mechanic, to +follow this new light. The others were, like +myself, strangers brought hither by mere +curiosity. One of them was a lady in deep +black, closely veiled. Beyond her, and +opposite to me, sat the sergeant, and next to +him the medium, a man named Brink. He +wore a good deal of jewelry, and had large +black side-whiskers--a shrewd-visaged, large- +nosed, full-lipped man, formed by nature to +appreciate the pleasant things of sensual +existence. + +Before I had ended my survey, he turned +to the lady in black, and asked if she wished +to see any one in the spirit-world. + +She said, ``Yes,'' rather feebly. + +``Is the spirit present?'' he asked. Upon +which two knocks were heard in affirmation. +``Ah!'' said the medium, ``the name is--it is +the name of a child. It is a male child. It +is--'' + +``Alfred!'' she cried. ``Great Heaven! My +child! My boy!'' + +On this the medium arose, and became +strangely convulsed. ``I see,'' he said--``I +see--a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes--I +see above you, beyond you--'' at the same +time pointing fixedly over her head. + +She turned with a wild start. ``Where-- +whereabouts?'' + +``A blue-eyed boy,'' he continued, ``over +your head. He cries--he says, `Mama, +mama!' '' + +The effect of this on the woman was +unpleasant. She stared about her for a moment, +and exclaiming, ``I come--I am coming, +Alfy!'' fell in hysterics on the floor. + +Two or three persons raised her, and aided +her into an adjoining room; but the rest +remained at the table, as though well accustomed +to like scenes. + +After this several of the strangers were +called upon to write the names of the dead +with whom they wished to communicate. +The names were spelled out by the agency +of affirmative knocks when the correct letters +were touched by the applicant, who was +furnished with an alphabet-card upon which +he tapped the letters in turn, the medium, +meanwhile, scanning his face very keenly. +With some, the names were readily made +out. With one, a stolid personage of +disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at +last the spirits signified by knocks that he +was a disturbing agency, and that while he +remained all our efforts would fail. Upon +this some of the company proposed that he +should leave; of which invitation he took +advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole +performance. + +As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and +whispered to the medium, who next addressed +himself to me. ``Sister Euphemia,'' he said, +indicating the lady with large eyes, ``will +act as your medium. I am unable to do +more. These things exhaust my nervous +system.'' + +``Sister Euphemia,'' said the doctor, ``will +aid us. Think, if you please, sir, of a spirit, +and she will endeavor to summon it to our +circle.'' + +Upon this a wild idea came into my head. +I answered: ``I am thinking as you directed +me to do.'' + +The medium sat with her arms folded, +looking steadily at the center of the table. +For a few moments there was silence. Then +a series of irregular knocks began. ``Are +you present?'' said the medium. + +The affirmative raps were twice given. + +``I should think,'' said the doctor, ``that +there were two spirits present.'' + +His words sent a thrill through my heart. + +``Are there two?'' he questioned. + +A double rap. + +``Yes, two,'' said the medium. ``Will it +please the spirits to make us conscious of +their names in this world?'' + +A single knock. ``No.'' + +``Will it please them to say how they are +called in the world of spirits?'' + +Again came the irregular raps--3, 4, 8, 6; +then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, 7. + +``I think,'' said the authoress, ``they must +be numbers. Will the spirits,'' she said, ``be +good enough to aid us? Shall we use the +alphabet?'' + +``Yes,'' was rapped very quickly. + +``Are these numbers?'' + +``Yes,'' again. + +``I will write them,'' she added, and, doing +so, took up the card and tapped the letters. +The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran +thus as she tapped, in turn, first the letters, +and last the numbers she had already set +down: + +``UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, +Nos. 3486, 3487.'' + +The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + +``Good gracious!'' said I, ``they are MY LEGS +--MY LEGS!'' + +What followed, I ask no one to believe +except those who, like myself, have communed +with the things of another sphere. +Suddenly I felt a strange return of my self- +consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to +speak. A strange wonder filled me, and, to +the amazement of every one, I arose, and, +staggering a little, walked across the room +on limbs invisible to them or me. It was no +wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly reflected, +my legs had been nine months in the strongest +alcohol. At this instant all my new friends +crowded around me in astonishment. Presently, +however, I felt myself sinking slowly. +My legs were going, and in a moment I was +resting feebly on my two stumps upon the +floor. It was too much. All that was left +of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + +I have little to add. I am now at home in +the West, surrounded by every form of kindness +and every possible comfort; but alas! +I have so little surety of being myself that I +doubt my own honesty in drawing my pension, +and feel absolved from gratitude to +those who are kind to a being who is uncertain +of being enough himself to be conscientiously +responsible. It is needless to add +that I am not a happy fraction of a man, +and that I am eager for the day when I shall +rejoin the lost members of my corporeal +family in another and a happier world. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Autobiography of a Quack + diff --git a/old/auqak10.zip b/old/auqak10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..827291e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/auqak10.zip |