diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/brryl10.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/brryl10.txt | 12670 |
1 files changed, 12670 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/brryl10.txt b/old/brryl10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17176c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/brryl10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12670 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +(#27 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg file. + +We encourage you to keep this file, exactly as it is, on your own disk, +thereby keeping an electronic path open for future readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This header should be the first thing seen when anyone starts to +view the etext. Do not change or edit it without written permission. +The words are carefully chosen to provide users with the information +they need to understand what they may and may not do with the etext. +To encourage this, we have moved most of the information to the end, +rather than having it all here at the beginning. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These Etexts Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get etexts, and +further information, is included below. We need your donations. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3) +organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541 +Find out about how to make a donation at the bottom of this file. + + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2003 [Etext #4558] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on February 10, 2002] +[Date last updated: April 29, 2004] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +******This file should be named brryl10.txt or brryl10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, brryl11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, brryl10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not +keep etexts in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +The "legal small print" and other information about this book +may now be found at the end of this file. Please read this +important information, as it gives you specific rights and +tells you about restrictions in how the file may be used. + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + +FROM THE WORKS OF + + +WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY + + +EDITED BY WALTER JERROLD + + + + +CONTENTS + + BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + + I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER + PASSION + + II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + + III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + + IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + + V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS + POSSIBLE + + VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + + VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + + VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION + + IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + + X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK + + XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + + XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X----- + + XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + + XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY + IN THAT KINGDOM + + XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + + XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY + (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE + + XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + + XIX.--CONCLUSION + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + +A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + +Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed +as the finest, of Thackeray's works--appeared originally as a serial +a few years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published +in book form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of +VANITY FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its +author in the forefront of the literary men of the day. So many +years after the event we cannot help wondering why the story was not +earlier put in book form; for in its delineation of the character of +an adventurer it is as great as VANITY FAIR, while for the local +colour of history, if I may put it so, it is no undistinguished +precursor of ESMOND. + +In the number of FRASER'S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the +first instalment of 'THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF +THE LAST CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,' and the story continued to appear +month by month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the +year, when the concluding portion was signed 'G. S. FitzBoodle.' +FITZBOODLE'S CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared +occasionally in the magazine during the years immediately precedent, +so that the pseudonym was familiar to FRASER'S readers. The story +was written, according to its author's own words, 'with a great deal +of dulness, unwillingness and labour,' and was evidently done as the +instalments were required, for in August he wrote 'read for "B. L." +all the morning at the club,' and four days later of '"B. L." lying +like a nightmare on my mind.' The journey to the East--which was to +give us in literary results NOTES OF A JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO +GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet unfinished, for at +Malta the author noted on the first three days of November--'Wrote +Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.' 'Wrote Barry with no +more success than yesterday.' 'Finished Barry after great throes +late at night.' In the number of Fraser's for the following month, +as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in +1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of +Thackeray's MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY +LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always +been issued with other matter, as though it were not strong enough +to stand alone, or as though the importance of a work was mainly to +be gauged by the number of pages to be crowded into one cover. The +scheme of the present edition fortunately allows fitting honour to +be done to the memoirs of the great adventurer. + +To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the +eponymous hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are +suggested as having contributed to the composite portrait. Best +known of these was that very prince among adventurers, G. J. +Casanova de Seingalt, a man who in the latter half of the eighteenth +century played the part of adventurer--and generally that of the +successful adventurer--in most of the European capitals; who within +the first five-and-twenty years of his life had been 'abbe, +secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and violinist, at Rome, +Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace (Venice), where he +cured a senator of apoplexy.' His autobiography, MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR +LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described as 'unmatched as a +self-revelation of scoundrelism.' It has also been suggested, with I +think far less colour of probability, that the original of Barry was +the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, whom +Dr Johnson described as 'our lively and elegant though too +licentious lyrick bard.' The third original, and one who, there +cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great +portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney- +Bowes. + +The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager +Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. +This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt +lieutenant on half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced +her to marry him, and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. +He became member of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as +does Barry Lyndon, treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted +her when she had escaped from him, and then, after being divorced, +found his way to a debtors' prison. There are similarities here +which no seeker after originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that +her father had a friend at Paris, 'a Mr Bowes, who may have first +told him this history of which the details are almost incredible, as +quoted from the papers of the time.' The name of Thackeray's friend +is a curious coincidence, unless, as may well have been the case, he +was a connection of the family into which the notorious adventurer +had married. It is not unlikely that Thackeray had seen the work +published in 1810--the year of Stoney-Bowes's death--in which the +whole unhappy romance was set forth. This was 'THE LIVES OF ANDREW +ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF STRATHMORE. Written from +thirty-three years' Professional Attendance, from letters and other +well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, Surgeon.' In this book +we find several incidents similar to ones in the story. Bowes cut +down all the timber on his wife's estate, but 'the neighbours would +not buy it.' Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon played upon his +son's tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The story of +Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the notice of +the Countess's life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + +Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in +the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, +Thackeray's own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively +show: 'January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L'EMPIRE, a good +story about the first K. of Wurtemberg's wife; killed by her husband +for adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the +Princess Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th +September 1788. For the rest of the story see L'EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS +SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. +220.' The 'Captain Freny' to whom Barry owed his adventures on his +journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) was a notorious highwayman, on +whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in the fifteenth chapter of his +IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + +Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming +neglect with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY +LYNDON was to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray's +finest performances, though the author himself seems to have had no +strong regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, 'My father +once said to me when I was a girl: "You needn't read BARRY LYNDON, +you won't like it." Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one +to admire and to wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.' +Another novelist, Anthony Trollope, has said of it: 'In imagination, +language, construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray +never did anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.' Mr Leslie +Stephen says: 'All later critics have recognised in this book one of +his most powerful performances. In directness and vigour he never +surpassed it.' + +W.J. + + + + +The Memoires of BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER PASSION + + +Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in +this world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours +was a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam's time,--so old, +noble, and illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women +have played a mighty part with the destinies of our race. + +I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of +the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than +which a more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D'Hozier; +and though, as a man of the world, I have learned to despise +heartily the claims of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no +more genealogy than the lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I +laugh to utter scorn the boasting of many of my countrymen, who are +all for descending from kings of Ireland, and talk of a domain no +bigger than would feed a pig as if it were a principality; yet truth +compels me to assert that my family was the noblest of the island, +and, perhaps, of the universal world; while their possessions, now +insignificant and torn from us by war, by treachery, by the loss of +time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion to the old faith and +monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced many counties, at a +time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than now. I would +assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there are so +many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render it +common. + +Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing +it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a +gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who +bent the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had +there been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver +Cromwell, we should have shaken off the English for ever. But there +was no Barry in the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my +ancestor, Simon de Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and +married the daughter of the then King of Munster, whose sons in +battle he pitilessly slew. + +In Oliver's time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry to +lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were +princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its +possessions a century previously, and by the most shameful treason. +This I know to be the fact, for my mother has often told me the +story, and besides had worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up +in the yellow saloon at Barryville where we lived. + +That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once +the property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in +Elizabeth's time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in +feud with the O'Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a +certain English colonel passed through the former's country with a +body of men-at-arms, on the very day when the O'Mahonys had made an +inroad upon our territories, and carried off a frightful plunder of +our flocks and herds. + +This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or +Lyndaine, having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and +finding him just on the point of carrying an inroad into the +O'Mahonys' land, offered the aid of himself and his lances, and +behaved himself so well, as it appeared, that the O'Mahonys were +entirely overcome, all the Barrys' property restored, and with it, +says the old chronicle, twice as much of the O'Mahonys' goods and +cattle. + +It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier +was pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and +remained there during several months, his men being quartered with +Barry's own gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. +They conducted themselves, as is their wont, with the most +intolerable insolence towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and +murders continually ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them. + +The Barry's son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English +as any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when +bidden, he and his friends consulted together and determined on +destroying these English to a man. + +But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry's +daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the +whole secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just +massacre of themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying +Phaudrig Barry, my ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross +at Barrycross near Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious +butchery took place. + +Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the +estate which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were +alive, as indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never +been able to find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig +with his wife, I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, +and murdered the priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on +appealing to the English courts, the estate was awarded to the +Englishman, as has ever been the case where English and Irish were +concerned. + +Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have +been born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards +came to me by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my +family, history. + +My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in +that of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred +like many other young sons of genteel families to the profession of +the law, being articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street +in the city of Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for +learning, there is no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in +his profession, had not his social qualities, love of field-sports, +and extraordinary graces of manner, marked him out for a higher +sphere. While he was attorney's clerk he kept seven race-horses, and +hunted regularly both with the Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode +on his grey horse Endymion that famous match against Captain Punter, +which is still remembered by lovers of the sport, and of which I +caused a splendid picture to be made and hung over my dining-hall +mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards he had the honour of +riding that very horse Endymion before his late Majesty King George +II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the attention of the +august sovereign. + +Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father +came naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a +year); for my grandfather's eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the +Chevalier Borgne, from a wound which he received in Germany) +remained constant to the old religion in which our family was +educated, and not only served abroad with credit, but against His +Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the unhappy Scotch disturbances in +'45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier hereafter. + +For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss +Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, +Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in +Dublin, and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the +assembly, my father became passionately attached to her; but her +soul was above marrying a Papist or an attorney's clerk; and so, for +the love of her, the good old laws being then in force, my dear +father slipped into my uncle Cornelius's shoes and took the family +estate. Besides the force of my mother's bright eyes, several +persons, and of the genteelest society too, contributed to this +happy change; and I have often heard my mother laughingly tell the +story of my father's recantation, which was solemnly pronounced at +the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord Bagwig, Captain +Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the town. Roaring +Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid the necessary +information the next morning against his brother; but his conversion +caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined the +rebels in consequence. + +This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father +his own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell +Brady was induced to run away with him to England, although her +parents were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her +tell many thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the +most wealthy in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the +Savoy, and my grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, +took possession of his paternal property and supported our +illustrious name with credit in London. He pinked the famous Count +Tiercelin behind Montague House, he was a member of 'White's,' and a +frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; and my mother, likewise, +made no small figure. At length, after his great day of triumph +before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry's fortune was just on +the point of being made, for the gracious monarch promised to +provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another +monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who +seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless +orphan. Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated +all our princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as +ever tossed a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and- +six like a man of fashion. + +I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this +sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal +tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that +was found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of +ninety guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family +plate, and my father's wardrobe and her own; and putting them into +our great coach, drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for +Ireland. My father's body accompanied us in the finest hearse and +plumes money could buy; for though the husband and wife had +quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my father's death his high- +spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave him the grandest +funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected a monument +over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which declared him +to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + +In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow +spent almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a +great deal more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which +the ceremonies occasioned. But the people around our old house of +Barryogue, although they did not like my father for his change of +faith, yet stood by him at this moment, and were for exterminating +the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of London with the lamented remains. +The monument and vault in the church were then, alas! all that +remained of my vast possessions; for my father had sold every stick +of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we received but a +cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down place it was. +[Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will be found to +describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces in Europe; +but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with respect +to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. +Barry's grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + +The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow +Barry's reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she +wrote to her brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman +immediately rode across the country to fling himself in her arms, +and to invite her in his wife's name to Castle Brady. + +Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words +had passed between them during Barry's courtship of Miss Bell. When +he took her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; +but coming to London in the year '46, he fell in once more with +Roaring Harry, and lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and +lost a few pieces to him at play, and broke a watchman's head or two +in his company,--all of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her +son very much to the good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both +with open arms. Mrs. Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make +known to her friends what was her condition; but arriving in a huge +gilt coach with enormous armorial bearings, was taken by her sister- +in-law and the rest of the county for a person of considerable +property and distinction. For a time, then, and as was right and +proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at Castle Brady. She ordered the +servants to and fro, and taught them, what indeed they much wanted, +a little London neatness; and 'English Redmond,' as I was called, +was treated like a little lord, and had a maid and a footman to +himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which was much more than +he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing all in his power to +make his sister decently comfortable under her afflictions. Mamma, +in return, determined that, when her affairs were arranged, she +would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for her son's +maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome furniture +brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat dilapidated +rooms of Castle Brady. + +But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair +and table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The +estate to which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; +and the only means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child +was a rent-charge of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig's property, who had +many turf-dealings with the deceased. And so my dear mother's +liberal intentions towards her brother were of course never +fulfilled. + +It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of +Castle Brady, that when her sister-in-law's poverty was thus made +manifest, she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed +to pay her, instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, +and told Mrs. Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose. +Mrs. Mick was of a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and +after about a couple of years (during which she had saved almost all +her little income) the widow complied with Madam Brady's desire. At +the same time, giving way to a just though prudently dissimulated +resentment, she made a vow that she would never enter the gates of +Castle Brady while the lady of the house remained alive within them. + +She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable +taste, and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity +which was her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. +How, indeed, could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in +London, frequented the most fashionable society there, and had been +presented (as she solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave +her a right which seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in +Ireland by those natives who have it,--the right of looking down +with scorn upon all persons who have not had the opportunity of +quitting the mother-country and inhabiting England for a while. +Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a new dress, her +sister-in-law would say, 'Poor creature! how can it be expected that +she should know anything of the fashion?' And though pleased to be +called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was still better +pleased to be called the English widow. + +Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say +that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the +fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig's +side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. +Regarding Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make +insinuations still more painful. However, why should we allude to +these charges, or rake up private scandal of a hundred years old? It +was in the reign of George II that the above-named personages lived +and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they +are all equal now; and do not the Sunday papers and the courts of +law supply us every week with more novel and interesting slander? + +At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband's +death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. +For whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county +of Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of +smiles and encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a +dignified reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as +starch as any Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow, +who had been smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry +refused all offers of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her +son only, and for the memory of her departed saint. + +'Saint forsooth!' said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + +'Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and 'tis +notorious that he and Bell hated each other. If she won't marry now, +depend on it, the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all +that, and only waits until Lord Bagwig is a widower.' + +And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to +marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a +woman was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother +fancied that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly +justifiable notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was +always most attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of +advancing my interests in the world had taken possession of mamma's +mind, until his Lordship's marriage in the year '57 with Miss +Goldmore, the Indian nabob's rich daughter. + +Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the +smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half- +dozen families that formed the congregation at Brady's Town, there +was not a single person whose appearance was so respectable as that +of the widow, who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory +of her deceased husband, took care that her garments should be made +so as to set off her handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, +indeed, I think, spent six hours out of every day in the week in +cutting, trimming, and altering them to the fashion. She had the +largest of hoops and the handsomest of furbelows, and once a month +(under my Lord Bagwig's cover) would come a letter from London +containing the newest accounts of the fashions there. Her complexion +was so brilliant that she had no call to use rouge, as was the mode +in those days. No, she left red and white, she said (and hence the +reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each other) to Madam +Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. In a word, +she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the country +took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round +would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + +But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was +proud of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of +her son, and has said a thousand times to me that I was the +handsomest young fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A +man of sixty may, however, say what he was at fourteen without much +vanity, and I must say I think there was some cause for my mother's +opinion. The good soul's pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays +and holidays I turned out in a velvet coat with a silver-hilted +sword by my side and a gold garter at my knee, as fine as any lord +in the land. My mother worked me several most splendid waistcoats, +and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and a fresh riband to my +hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even envious Mrs. Brady +was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair in the +kingdom. + +Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on +these occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, +followed me and my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and +a cane, and dressed in the livery of one of our own fine footmen +from Clarges Street, which, as Tim was a bandy-shanked little +fellow, did not exactly become him. But, though poor, we were +gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of these becoming appendages +to our rank; and so would march up the aisle to our pew with as much +state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant's lady and son might do. +When there, my mother would give the responses and amens in a loud +dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, besides, had a +fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected in London +under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent in +such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little +congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother +had great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the +most beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world. +Often and often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding +her own humility and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I +would defy the most obstinate to disbelieve her. + +When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady's town, +which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small +place, but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the +family pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called +the yellow saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and +hers the orange tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and +at dinner-time Tim regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a +silver tankard to drink from, and mother boasted with justice that I +had as good a bottle of claret by my side as any squire of the land. +So indeed I had, but I was not, of course, allowed at my tender +years to drink any of the wine; which thus attained a considerable +age, even in the decanter. + +Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above +fact one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily +tasting the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made +faces! But the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, +or the company in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, +with the parson or the priest indifferently; with the latter, much +to my mother's indignation, for, as a true blue Nassauite, she +heartily despised all those of the old faith, and would scarcely sit +down in the room with a benighted Papist. But the squire had no such +scruples; he was, indeed, one of the easiest, idlest, and best- +natured fellows that ever lived, and many an hour would he pass with +the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam Brady at home. He liked +me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, and at length, after +the widow had held out for a couple of years, she agreed to allow me +to return to the castle; though, for herself, she resolutely kept +the oath which she had made with regard to her sister-in-law. + +The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, +in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster +of nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the +compliment), insulted me at dinner about my mother's poverty, and +made all the girls of the family titter. So when we went to the +stables, whither Mick always went for his pipe of tobacco after +dinner, I told him a piece of my mind, and there was a fight for at +least ten minutes, during which I stood to him like a man, and +blacked his left eye, though I was myself only twelve years old at +the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating makes only a small +impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had proved many times +in battles with the ragged Brady's Town boys before, not one of +whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very much +pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown +paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a +pint of claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you, +at having held my own against Mick so long. + +And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane +me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle +Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and +the kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. +He bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out +coursing and fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at +length I was released from Mick's persecution, for his brother, +Master Ulick, returning from Trinity College, and hating his elder +brother, as is mostly the way in families of fashion, took me under +his protection; and from that time, as Ulick was a deal bigger and +stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, as I was called, was left +alone; except when the former thought fit to thrash me, which he did +whenever he thought proper. + +Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had an +uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in +accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and +a fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, +and she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus +laid the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances +I learned (as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants' +hall, which, you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I +was considered unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig. + +In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for +reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman's polite +education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a +penny, without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull +grammar, and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them +from my youth upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have +none of them. + +This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt +Biddy Brady's legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ +the sum on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler's +famous academy at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to +call it. But six weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence, +I suddenly made my appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked +forty miles from the odious place, and left the Doctor in a state +near upon apoplexy. The fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or +boxing, I was at the head of the school, but could not be brought to +excel in the classics; and after having been flogged seven times, +without its doing me the least good in my Latin, I refused to submit +altogether (finding it useless) to an eighth application of the rod. +'Try some other way, sir,' said I, when he was for horsing me once +more; but he wouldn't; whereon, and to defend myself, I flung a +slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a leaden +inkstand. All the lads huzza'd at this, and some or the servants +wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin +Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of +the first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I +slept that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a +cottier, who gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred +guineas after, when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness. +I wish I had the money now. But what's the use of regret? I have had +many a harder bed than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a +scantier meal than honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran +away from school. So six weeks' was all the schooling I ever got. +And I say this to let parents know the value of it; for though I +have met more learned book-worms in the world, especially a great +hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, whom they called Johnson, +and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, in London, yet I pretty +soon silenced him in an argument (at 'Button's Coffeehouse'); and in +that, and in poetry, and what I call natural philosophy, or the +science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, the small-sword, the +knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the manners of an +accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for myself +that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. 'Sir,' said I to Mr. +Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr. +Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. +Goldsmith, a countryman of my own--'Sir,' said I, in reply to the +schoolmaster's great thundering quotation in Greek, 'you fancy you +know a great deal more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and +your Pluto; but can you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs +next week?--Can you run six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot +the ace of spades ten times without missing? If so, talk about +Aristotle and Pluto to me.' + +'D'ye knaw who ye're speaking to?' roared out the Scotch gentleman, +Mr. Boswell, at this. + +'Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,' said the old schoolmaster. 'I had +no right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered +me very well.' + +'Doctor,' says I, looking waggishly at him, 'do you know ever a +rhyme for ArisTOTLE?' + +'Port, if you plaise,' says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX +RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. +It became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at +'White's' or the 'Cocoa-tree' you would hear the wags say, 'Waiter, +bring me one of Captain Barry's rhymes for Aristotle.' Once, when I +was in liquor at the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a +great Staggerite, a joke which I could never understand. But I am +wandering from my story, and must get back to home, and dear old +Ireland again. + +I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my +manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; +and, perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated +amongst Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, +should arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was +indisputably allowed to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable +instructor in the person of an old gamekeeper, who had served the +French king at Fontenoy, and who taught me the dances and customs, +and a smattering of the language of that country, with the use of +the sword, both small and broad. Many and many a long mile I have +trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me wonderful stories of the +French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal Saxe, and the opera- +dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier Borgne, and indeed had +a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in secret. I never +knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for physicking a +horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly sports, from +birds'-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil Purcell as +the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, but for +that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick like +poison; but I could excuse him that too. + +With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man +than either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more +bountiful to me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady +girls (as you shall hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races +many of the prettiest lasses present said they would like to have me +for their bachelor; and yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not +popular. + +In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, +perhaps, it was my good mother's fault that I was bitter proud too. +I had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour +of my carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before +people who were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was +boys, and they ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; +and many's the time I've been brought home well-nigh killed by one +or more of them, on what, when my mother asked me, I would say was +'a family quarrel.' 'Support your name with your blood, Reddy my +boy,' would that saint say, with the tears in her eyes; and so would +she herself have done with her voice, ay, and her teeth and nails. + +Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen +miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were +the vicar's two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not +associate with such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we +have as to who should take the wall in Brady's Town; there was Pat +Lurgan, the blacksmith's son, who had the better of me four times +before we came to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I +could mention a score more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but +that fisticuff facts are dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss +before high-bred gentlemen and ladies. + +However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must +discourse, and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to +hear of it: young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and +ugly (and, faith, before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain +woman), it's the subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I +think you guess my riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word +is formed on purpose out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants +in the language, and he or she who does not care to read about it is +not worth a fig, to my thinking. + +My uncle's family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom +in such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the +one siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle +in all the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and +his lady. Mrs. Brady's faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, +who hated me so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his +property: while Ulick, the second brother, was his father's own boy; +and, in revenge, Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need +not mention the girls' names; I had plague enough with them in +after-life, Heaven knows; and one of them was the cause of all my +early troubles: this was (though to be sure all her sisters denied +it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria Brady by name. + +She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the +fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the +three books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle's +library), and know that she was born in the year '37, and christened +by Doctor Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin: hence she was three- +and-twenty years old at the time she and I were so much together. + +When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been +handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of +the widest; she was freckled over like a partridge's egg, and her +hair was the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled +beef, to use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother +make these remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then, +and somehow had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far +above all the other angels of her sex. + +And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or +singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in +private, and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so +much graceful ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired +without vast labour and perseverance in private; so it is with the +dear creatures who are skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance, +was always practising, and she would take poor me to rehearse her +accomplishment upon; or the exciseman, when he came his rounds, or +the steward, or the poor curate, or the young apothecary's lad from +Brady's Town: whom I recollect beating once for that very reason. If +he is alive now I make him my apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was +HIS fault that he should be a victim to the wiles of one of the +greatest coquettes (considering her obscure life and rustic +breeding) in the world. + +If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my +life is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a +very vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the +contrary, I once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did +not behold her by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her +from the hands of ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; +but one day, after dinner at Brady's Town, in summer, going into the +garden to pull gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of +gooseberries, I pledge my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of +her sisters, with whom she was friends at the time, who were both +engaged in the very same amusement. + +'What's the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?' says she. She was always +'poking her fun,' as the Irish phrase it. + +'I know the Latin for goose,' says I. + +'And what's that?' cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + +'Bo to you!' says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell +to work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as +might be. In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her +arm, and it bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and +white, and I tied it up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her +hand; and though it was as big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw, +yet I thought the favour the most ravishing one that was ever +conferred upon me, and went home in a rapture. + +I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced +to feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls +but was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora +about her bachelor. + +The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were +horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a +man. She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the +house. + +'For after all, Redmond,' she would say, 'you are but fifteen, and +you haven't a guinea in the world.' At which I would swear that I +would become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow +that before I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an +estate six times as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of +course, I did not keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my +very early life, and caused me to do those great actions for which I +have been celebrated, and which shall be narrated presently in +order. + +I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may +know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and +undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny- +jessamines of the present day would do half as much in the face of +danger. + +About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a +state of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a +French invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at +Versailles, a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the +noblemen and people of condition in that and all other parts of the +kingdom showed their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot +to resist the invaders. Brady's Town sent a company to join the +Kilwangan regiment, of which Master Mick was the captain; and we had +a letter from Master Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the +University had also formed a regiment, in which he had the honour to +be a corporal. How I envied them both! especially that odious Mick +as I saw him in his laced scarlet coat, with a ribbon in his hat, +march off at the head of his men. He, the poor spiritless creature, +was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt I had as much courage as +the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, that a red jacket +would mightily become me! My mother said I was too young to join the +new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she herself who was too +poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have swallowed up half her +year's income, and she would only have her boy appear in a way +suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, dressed in the +best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company. + +Well, then, the whole country was alive with war's alarums, the +three kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit +paying his devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was +obliged to stay at home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in +secret. Mr. Mick came to and fro from the regiment, and brought +numerous of his comrades with him. Their costume and swaggering airs +filled me with grief, and Miss Nora's unvarying attentions to them +served to make me half wild. No one, however, thought of attributing +this sadness to the young lady's score, but rather to my +disappointment at not being allowed to join the military profession. + +Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, +to which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and +a pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what +tortures the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her +eternal coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to +be one of the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me, +against which all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that +riding in a coach always made her ill. 'And how can I go to the +ball,' said she, 'unless you take me on Daisy behind you on the +pillion?' Daisy was a good blood-mare of my uncle's, and to such a +proposition I could not for my soul say no; so we rode in safety to +Kilwangan, and I felt myself as proud as any prince when she +promised to dance a country-dance with me. + +When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me +that she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced +the set with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but +none like that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would +not. Some of the prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I +was the best dancer in the room. I made one attempt, but was too +wretched to continue, and so remained alone all night in a state of +agony. I would have played, but I had no money; only the gold piece +that my mother bade me always keep in my purse as a gentleman +should. I did not care for drink, or know the dreadful comfort of it +in those days; but I thought of killing myself and Nora, and most +certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + +At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies +went off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, +and Miss Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a +word. But we were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try +with her coaxing and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + +'Sure it's a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you'll catch cold +without a handkerchief to your neck.' To this sympathetic remark +from the pillion, the saddle made no reply. + +'Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were +together, I saw, all night.' To this the saddle only replied by +grinding his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + +'O mercy! you'll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature +you: and you know, Redmond, I'm so timid.' The pillion had by this +got her arm round the saddle's waist, and perhaps gave it the +gentlest squeeze in the world. + +'I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!' answers the saddle; 'and I only +danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to +dance chose to be engaged the whole night.' + +'Sure there were my sisters,' said the pillion, now laughing +outright in the pride of her conscious superiority; 'and for me, my +dear, I had not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged +for every single set.' + +'Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?' said I; +and oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora +Brady at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in +thinking that she had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. +Of course she replied that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: +that he danced prettily, to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a +man; that he looked well in his regimentals too; and if he chose to +ask her to dance, how could she refuse him? + +'But you refused me, Nora.' + +'Oh! I can dance with you any day,' answered Miss Nora, with a toss +of her head; 'and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if +you could find no other partner. Besides,' said Nora--and this was a +cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and +how mercilessly she used it,--'besides, Redmond, Captain Quin's a +man and you are only a boy!' + +'If ever I meet him again,' I roared out with an oath, 'you shall +see which is the best man of the two. I'll fight him with sword or +with pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I'll fight any man-- +every man! Didn't I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years +old?--Didn't I beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is +nineteen?--Didn't I do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it's cruel of +you to sneer at me so!' + +But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her +sarcasms; she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a +valiant soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it +was mighty well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and +farmers' boys, but to fight an Englishman was a very different +matter. + +Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters in +general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the +Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur +Conflans and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and +where it was; we both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the +French might be soundly beaten there. + +I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how +much I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her +infallible 'Ah! now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you're not +big enough for anything more than a little drummer.' To which I +replied, by swearing that a soldier I would be, and a general too. + +As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has +ever since gone by the name of Redmond's Leap Bridge. It was an old +high bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the +mare Daisy with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, +giving a loose to her imagination, and still harping on the military +theme (I would lay a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)-- +Miss Nora said, 'Suppose now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was +passing over the bridge, and the inimy on the other side?' + +'I'd draw my sword, and cut my way through them.' + +'What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?' (This young +lady was perpetually speaking of 'poor me!') + +'Well, then, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd jump Daisy into the +river, and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.' + +'Jump twenty feet! you wouldn't dare to do any such thing on Daisy. +There's the Captain's horse, Black George, I've heard say that +Captain Qui--' + +She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual +recurrence of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to 'hold +tight by my waist,' and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang +with Nora over the parapet into the deep water below. I don't know +why, now--whether it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to +perform an act that even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I +fancied that the enemy actually was in front of us, I can't tell +now; but over I went. The horse sank over his head, the girl +screamed as she sank and screamed as she rose, and I landed her, +half fainting, on the shore, where we were soon found by my uncle's +people, who returned on hearing the screams. I went home, and was +ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for six weeks; and +I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, and, at the +same time, still more violently in love than I had been even before. +At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty +constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake +of me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good +mother was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to +forget. And, let me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a +woman of her haughty disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave +anybody, for my sake to give up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to +receive her kindly. For, like a mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was +always raving about and asking for; I would only accept medicines +from her hand, and would look rudely and sulkily upon the good +mother, who loved me better than anything else in the world, and +gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and becoming +jealousies, to make me happy. + +As I got well, I saw that Nora's visits became daily more rare: 'Why +don't she come?' I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; +in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the +best excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her +ankle, or that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to +soothe me. And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break +her heart in her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face, +so that I should know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did +I take much pains to ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been +very much touched even had I discovered it; for the commencement of +manhood, I think, is the period of our extremest selfishness. We get +such a desire then to take wing and leave the parent nest, that no +tears, entreaties, or feelings of affection will counter-balance +this overpowering longing after independence. She must have been +very sad, that poor mother of mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that +period of my life; and has often told me since what a pang of the +heart it was to her to see all her care and affection of years +forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of a little heartless +jilt, who was only playing with me while she could get no better +suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks of my +illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, and +making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break +this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a +secret: it was only by chance that I discovered it. + +Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat +up in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so +gracious and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and +gladness, and I had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss +that morning. I felt myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken, +and promised my uncle, who had come to see me, to be ready against +partridge-shooting, to accompany him, as my custom was. + +The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day +which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor's and my +mother's injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave +the house, for the fresh air would be the death of me. + +Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I +ever made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in +those days when I knew no better. And though they are not so +polished and elegant as 'Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,' and 'When +Sol bedecks the Daisied Mead,' and other lyrical effusions of mine +which obtained me so much reputation in after life, I still think +them pretty good for a humble lad of fifteen:-- + +THE ROSE OF FLORA. + +Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Br-dy, of Castle Brady. + + On Brady's tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,-- + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. + +'O Lady Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'I've many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady's towers there's seven more flowers, + But you're the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland's bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that's half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi'let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily's nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora's neck is,--and her arrums too. + +'Come, gentle Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,-- + Young Redmond Barry, 'tis him you'll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you'd choose likewise.' + +On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned +Phil the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in +which I arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my +illness that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with +my notable copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, +bent upon beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and +the birds sang so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more +elated than I had been for months before, and sprang down the avenue +(my uncle had cut down every stick of the trees, by the way) as +brisk as a young fawn. My heart began to thump as I mounted the +grass-grown steps of the terrace, and passed in by the rickety hall- +door. The master and mistress were at church, Mr. Screw the butler +told me (after giving a start back at seeing my altered appearance, +and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of the young ladies. + +'Was Miss Nora one?' I asked. + +'No, Miss Nora was not one,' said Mr. Screw, assuming a very +puzzled, and yet knowing look. + +'Where was she?' To this question he answered, or rather made +believe to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle +whether she was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, +or whether she and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she +was ill in her room; and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw +left me abruptly. + +I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables +stand, and there I found a dragoon whistling the 'Roast Beef of Old +England,' as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. 'Whose horse, fellow, +is that?' cried I. + +'Feller, indeed!' replied the Englishman: 'the horse belongs to my +captain, and he's a better FELLER nor you any day.' + +I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, +for a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the +garden as quickly as I could. + +I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora +pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel +was fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling +against his odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain +Fagan of the Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora's +sister Mysie. + +I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my +knees fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came +over me, that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against +which I leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or +two: then I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on +the walk, loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I +always wore in its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through +the bodies of the delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I +don't tell what feelings else besides those of rage were passing +through my mind; what bitter blank disappointment, what mad wild +despair, what a sensation as if the whole world was tumbling from +under me; I make no doubt that my reader hath been jilted by the +ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own sensations when the +shock first fell upon him. + +'No, Norelia,' said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those +times for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out +of novels), 'except for you and four others, I vow before all the +gods, my heart has never felt the soft flame!' + +'Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!' said she (the beast's name was +John), 'your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some +plant I've read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!' + +'Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?' said +Captain Quin. + +'Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph +such a question?' + +'Darling Norelia!' said he, raising her hand to his lips. + +I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out +of her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled +these out of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin's face, and +rushed out with my little sword drawn, shrieking, 'She's a liar-- +she's a liar, Captain Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you +are a man!' and with these words I leapt at the monster, and +collared him, while Nora made the air echo with her screams; at the +sound of which the other captain and Mysie hastened up. + +Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly +attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the +side of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders +such as no chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and +then exceedingly pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and +clutched at his sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung +herself round him, screaming, 'Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven's +sake spare the child--he is but an infant.' + +'And ought to be whipped for his impudence,' said the Captain; 'but +never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is +safe from me.' So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of +ribands which had fallen at Nora's feet, and handing it to her, said +in a sarcastic tone, 'When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is +time for OTHER gentlemen to retire.' + +'Good heavens, Quin!' cried the girl; 'he is but a boy.' + +'I am a man,' roared I, 'and will prove it.' + +'And don't signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn't I give +a bit of riband to my own cousin?' + +'You are perfectly welcome, miss,' continued the Captain, 'as many +yards as you like.' + +'Monster!' exclaimed the dear girl; 'your father was a tailor, and +you are always thinking of the shop. But I'll have my revenge, I +will! Reddy, will you see me insulted?' + +'Indeed, Miss Nora,' says I, 'I intend to have his blood as sure as +my name's Redmond.' + +'I'll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,' said the Captain, +regaining his self-possession; 'but as for you, miss, I have the +honour to wish you a good-day.' + +He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was +just walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had +likewise been caught by the scream. + +'Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what's the matter here?' says Mick; 'Nora +in tears, Redmond's ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making +a bow?' + +'I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,' said the Englishman: 'I have +had enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain't used to +'em, sir.' + +'Well, well! what is it?' said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed +Quin a great deal of money as it turned out); 'we'll make you used +to our ways, or adopt English ones.' + +'It's not the English way for ladies to have two lovers' (the +'Henglish way,' as the captain called it), 'and so, Mr. Brady, I'll +thank you to pay me the sum you owe me, and I'll resign all claims +to this young lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take +'em, sir.' + +'Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,' said Mick. + +'I never was more in earnest,' replied the other. + +'By Heaven, then, look to yourself!' shouted Mick. 'Infamous +seducer! infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this +suffering angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her +brother won't defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me +cut the wicked heart out of your body!' + +'This is regular assassination,' said Quin, starting back; 'there's +two on 'em on me at once. Fagan, you won't let 'em murder me?' + +'Faith!' said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, 'you may +settle your own quarrel, Captain Quin;' and coming over to me, +whispered, 'At him again, you little fellow.' + +'As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,' said I, 'I, of course, do +not interfere.' + +'I do, sir--I do,' said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + +'Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!' cried Mick again. +'Mysie, lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair +play between us.' + +'Well now--I don't--give me time--I'm puzzled--I--I don't know which +way to look.' + +'Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,' said Mr. Fagan +drily, 'and there's pretty pickings on either side.' + +CHAPTER II + +I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + +During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, +under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was +in hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of +course, flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of +fellow this Fagan was) prevented me, saying, 'I advise you to leave +the young lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come +to.' And so indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since +that Fagan knew the world pretty well, for many's the lady I've seen +in after times recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to +help her, you may be sure, for, in the midst of the diversion, +caused by her screaming, the faithless bully stole away. + +'Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?' said I to Mick; for it was +my first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced +velvet. 'Is it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of +chastising this insolent Englishman?' And I held out my hand as I +spoke, for my heart melted towards my cousin under the triumph of +the moment. + +But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. 'You--you!' said +he, in a towering passion; 'hang you for a meddling brat: your hand +is in everybody's pie. What business had you to come brawling and +quarrelling here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?' + +'Oh,' gasped Nora, from the stone bench, 'I shall die: I know I +shall. I shall never leave this spot.' + +'The Captain's not gone yet,' whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving +him an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + +'Meanwhile,' Mick continued, 'what business have you, you meddling +rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?' + +'Rascal yourself!' roared I: 'call me another such name, Mick Brady, +and I'll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to +you when I was eleven years old. I'm your match now, and, by Jove, +provoke me, and I'll beat you like--like your younger brother always +did.' That was a home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + +'This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,' said +Fagan, in a soothing tone. + +'The girl's old enough to be his mother,' growled Mick. + +'Old or not,' I replied: 'you listen to this, Mick Brady' (and I +swore a tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): 'the man +that marries Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?' + +'Pooh, sir,' said Mick, turning away, 'kill you--flog you, you mean! +I'll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;' and so he went off. + +Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I +was a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. 'But what Brady says is +true,' continued he; 'it's a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is +in such a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, +and if you will but follow my advice, you won't regret having taken +it. Nora Brady has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are +but fifteen, and she's four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you're +old enough to marry, she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy, +don't you see--though it's a hard matter to see--that she's a flirt, +and does not care a pin for you or Quin either?' + +But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) +listens to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, +that Nora might love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should +fight me before he married her--that I swore. + +'Faith,' says Fagan, 'I think you are a lad that's likely to keep +your word;' and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked +away likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he +went through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I +was quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had +made believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it +up, hid my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I +would then have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband +which I had flung at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for +hours, as wretched as any man in Ireland, I believe, for the time +being. But it's a changeable world! When we consider how great our +sorrows SEEM, and how small they ARE; how we think we shall die of +grief, and how quickly we forget, I think we ought to be ashamed of +ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. For, after all, what business +has time to bring us consolation? I have not, perhaps, in the course +of my multifarious adventures and experience, hit upon the right +woman; and have forgotten, after a little, every single creature I +adored; but I think, if I could but have lighted on the right one, I +would have loved her for EVER. + +I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, +for it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell +clanged as usual at three o'clock, which wakened me up from my +reverie. Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more +took the riband. As I passed through the offices, I saw the +Captain's saddle was still hanging up at the stable-door, and saw +his odious red-coated brute of a servant swaggering with the +scullion-girls and kitchen-people. 'The Englishman's still there, +Master Redmond,' said one of the maids to me (a sentimental black- +eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). 'He's there in the +parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don't let him +browbeat you, Master Redmond.' + +And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as +usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + +'Hallo, Reddy my boy!' said my uncle, 'up and well?--that's right.' + +'He'd better be home with his mother,' growled my aunt. + +'Don't mind her,' says Uncle Brady; 'it's the cold goose she ate at +breakfast didn't agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. +Brady, to Redmond's health.' It was evident he did not know of what +had happened; but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost +all the girls, looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; +and Miss Nora, who was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain +Fagan sat smiling; and I looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the +dinner would choke me: but I was determined to put a good face on +it, and when the cloth was drawn, filled my glass with the rest; and +we drank the King and the Church, as gentlemen should. My uncle was +in high good-humour, and especially always joking with Nora and the +Captain. It was, 'Nora, divide that merry-thought with the Captain! +see who'll be married first.' 'Jack Quin, my dear boy, never mind a +clean glass for the claret, we're short of crystal at Castle Brady; +take Nora's and the wine will taste none the worse;' and so on. He +was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had there been a +reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover since they +had come into the house? + +I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the +custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this +time, in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, 'Oh, pa! do +let us go!' and said, 'No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; +this is a sort of toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my +family, and you'll plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here's +CAPTAIN AND MRS. JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, +you rogue: for 'faith you've got a treasure!' + +'He has already '----I screeched out, springing up. + +'Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!' said big Ulick, who +sat by me; but I wouldn't hear. + +'He has already,' I screamed, 'been slapped in the face this +morning, Captain John Quin; he's already been called coward, Captain +John Quin; and this is the way I'll drink his health. Here's your +health, Captain John Quin!' And I flung a glass of claret into his +face. I don't know how he looked after it, for the next moment I +myself was under the table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a +violent cuff on the head as I went down; and I had hardly leisure to +hear the general screaming and skurrying that was taking place above +me, being so fully occupied with kicks, and thumps, and curses, with +which Ulick was belabouring me. 'You fool!' roared he--' you great +blundering marplot--you silly beggarly brat' (a thump at each), +'hold your tongue!' These blows from Ulick, of course, I did not +care for, for he had always been my friend, and had been in the +habit of thrashing me all my life. + +When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I +had the satisfaction of seeing the Captain's nose was bleeding, as +mine was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for +ever. Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and +pushed the bottle to me. 'There, you young donkey,' said he, 'sup +that; and let's hear no more of your braying.' + +'In Heaven's name, what does all the row mean?' says my uncle. 'Is +the boy in the fever again?' + +'It's all your fault,' said Mick sulkily: 'yours and those who +brought him here.' + +'Hold your noise, Mick!' says Ulick, turning on him; 'speak civil of +my father and me, and don't let me be called upon to teach you +manners.' + +'It IS your fault,' repeated Mick. 'What business has the vagabond +here? If I had my will, I'd have him flogged and turned out.' + +'And so he should be,' said Captain Quin. + +'You'd best not try it, Quin,' said Ulick, who was always my +champion; and turning to his father, 'The fact is, sir, that the +young monkey has fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the +Captain mighty sweet in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack +Quin.' + +'Gad, he's beginning young,' said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. +''Faith, Fagan, that boy's a Brady, every inch of him.' + +'And I'll tell you what, Mr. B.,' cried Quin, bristling up: 'I've +been insulted grossly in this 'OUSE. I ain't at all satisfied with +these here ways of going on. I'm an Englishman I am, and a man of +property; and I--I'--'If you're insulted, and not satisfied, +remember there's two of us, Quin,' said Ulick gruffly. On which the +Captain fell to washing his nose in water, and answered never a +word. + +'Mr. Quin,' said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, 'may +also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond +Barry, Esquire, of Barryville.' At which speech my uncle burst out +a-laughing (as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain +Fagan, much to my mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly +upon him, however, and bade him to understand that as for my cousin +Ulick, who had been my best friend through life, I could put up with +rough treatment from him; yet, though I was a boy, even that sort of +treatment I would bear from him no longer; and any other person who +ventured on the like would find me a man, to their cost. 'Mr. Quin,' +I added, 'knows that fact very well; and if HE'S a man, he'll know +where to find me.' + +My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother +would be anxious about me. 'One of you had better go home with him,' +said he, turning to his sons, 'or the lad may be playing more +pranks.' But Ulick said, with a nod to his brother, 'Both of us ride +home with Quin here.' + +'I'm not afraid of Freny's people,' said the Captain, with a faint +attempt at a laugh; 'my man is armed, and so am I.' + +'You know the use of arms very well, Quin,' said Ulick; 'and no one +can doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all +that.' + +'Why, you'll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan's a good ten +mile from here.' + +'We'll sleep at Quin's quarters,' replied Ulick: 'WE'RE GOING TO +STOP A WEEK THERE.' + +'Thank you,' says Quin, very faint; 'it's very kind of you.' + +'You'll be lonely, you know, without us.' + +'Oh yes, very lonely!' says Quin. + +'And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,' says Ulick (and here he whispered +something in the Captain's ear, in which I thought I caught the +words 'marriage,' 'parson,' and felt all my fury returning again). + +'As you please,' whined out the Captain; and the horses were +quickly brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + +Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle's injunction, walked across the old +treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he +thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which +opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + +'A pretty day's work of it you have made, Master Redmond,' said he. +'What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be +distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring +fifteen hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off +the four thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes +a girl without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder +bullock. Well, well, don't look furious; let's say she IS handsome-- +there's no accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging +herself at the head of every man in these parts these ten years +past, and MISSING them all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of +fifteen--well, sixteen, if you insist--and a boy who ought to be +attached to your uncle as to your father'-- + +'And so I am,' said I. + +'And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn't he +harbour you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn't he +given you rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, +when his affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his +old age to be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him +and competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most +obliged to him. It's wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of +such spirit as you are, I expect a truer courage.' + +'I am not afraid of any man alive,' exclaimed I (for this latter +part of the Captain's argument had rather staggered me, and I +wished, of course, to turn it--as one always should when the enemy's +too strong); 'and it's _I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man +was ever, since the world began, treated so. Look here--look at this +riband. I've worn it in my heart for six months. I've had it there +all the time of the fever. Didn't Nora take it out of her own bosom +and give it me? Didn't she kiss me when she gave it me, and call me +her darling Redmond?' + +'She was PRACTISING,' replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. 'I know +women, sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, +and they'll fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young +lady in Fermoy'-- + +'A young lady in flames,' roared I (but I used a still hotter word). +'Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I'll fight the man who +pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I'll follow him, if it's into +the church, and meet him there. I'll have his blood, or he shall +have mine; and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I +kill him, I'll pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take +back her token.' This I said because I was very much excited at the +time, and because I had not read novels and romantic plays for +nothing. + +'Well,' says Fagan after a pause, 'if it must be, it must. For a +young fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin's a +determined fellow, too.' + +'Will you take my message to him?' said I, quite eagerly. + +'Hush!' said Fagan: 'your mother may be on the look-out. Here we +are, close to Barryville.' + +'Mind! not a word to my mother,' I said; and went into the house +swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a +chance against the Englishman I hated so. + +Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother's return +from church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and +anxious for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the +invitation of the sentimental lady's-maid; and when he had had his +own share of the good things in the kitchen, which was always better +furnished than ours at home, had walked back again to inform his +mistress where I was, and, no doubt, to tell her, in his own +fashion, of all the events that had happened at Castle Brady. In +spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, I half suspected that my +mother knew all, from the manner in which she embraced me on my +arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The poor soul looked +a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then gazed very hard +in the Captain's face; but she said not a word about the quarrel, +for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone of +her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has +become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was +a MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was +at the service of any gentleman's gizzard, upon the slightest +difference. But the good old times and usages are fast fading away. +One scarcely every hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those +cowardly pistols, in place of the honourable and manly weapon of +gentlemen, has introduced a deal of knavery into the practice of +duelling, that cannot be sufficiently deplored. + +When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and +welcoming Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my +mother, in a majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be +thirsty after his walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of +the yellow-sealed Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + +Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, +that six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the +house down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but +I felt I was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother +felt this too, for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply, +'Don't you hear, you rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the +wine, and the cakes and glasses, directly.' Then (for you may be +sure she did not give Tim the keys of our little cellar) she went +and got the liquor herself; and Tim brought it in, on the silver +tray, in due form. My dear mother poured out the wine, and drank the +Captain welcome; but I observed her hand shook very much as she +performed this courteous duty, and the bottle went clink, clink, +against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, she said she had a +headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her blessing, as +becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the +respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)-- +and she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important +business. + +'Indeed,' said the Captain,' I see now no other way out of the +scrape than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle +Brady, after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that +he would cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss +Honoria induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, +however, matters have gone too far. No officer, bearing His +Majesty's commission, can receive a glass of wine on his nose--this +claret of yours is very good, by the way, and by your leave we'll +ring for another bottle--without resenting the affront. Fight you +must; and Quin is a huge strong fellow.' + +'He'll give the better mark,' said I. 'I am not afraid of him.' + +'In faith,' said the Captain,' I believe you are not; for a lad, I +never saw more game in my life.' + +'Look at that sword, sir,' says I, pointing to an elegant silver- +mounted one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, +under the picture of my father, Harry Barry. 'It was with that +sword, sir, that my father pinked Mohawk O'Driscol, in Dublin, in +the year 1740; with that sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone +Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, and ran him through the neck. +They met on horseback, with sword and pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as +I dare say you have heard tell of, and those are the pistols' (they +hung on each side of the picture) 'which the gallant Barry used. He +was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady Fuddlestone, when in +liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a gentleman, he scorned +to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball through his hat, +before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry's son, sir, and +will act as becomes my name and my quality.' + +'Give me a kiss, my dear boy,' said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. +'You're after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall +never want a friend or a second.' + +Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to +my Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind +friend. But we don't know what is in store for us, and that night +was a merry one at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I +could hear the poor mother going downstairs for each, but she never +came into the parlour with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. +Tim): and we parted at length, he engaging to arrange matters with +Mr. Quin's second that night, and to bring me news in the morning as +to the place where the meeting should take place. I have often +thought since, how different my fate might have been, had I not +fallen in love with Nora at that early age; and had I not flung the +wine in Quin's face, and so brought on the duel. I might have +settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss Quinlan was an +heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, of Kilwangan, +left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had either of +them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be a +wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very +early age: as you shall hear anon. + +I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier +than usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of +the day, for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my +room--had I not been writing those verses to Nora but the day +previous, like a poor fond fool as I was? And now I sat down and +wrote a couple of letters more: they might be the last, thought I, +that I ever should write in my life. The first was to my mother:-- + +'Honoured Madam'--I wrote--'This will not be given you unless I fall +by the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of +honour, with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian +and a gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a +mother as you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a +dutiful son. I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and +which I called after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned +to Castle Brady, and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to +Phil Purcell, the gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, +and all the girls of MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + +'REDMOND BARRY.' + +To Nora I wrote:-- + +'This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave +me. It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin's, whom +I hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your +marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave +it, and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake. + +'REDMOND.' + +These letters being written, and sealed with my father's great +silver seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my +mother was waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single +word about what was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of +anything but that; about who was at church the day before, and about +my wanting new clothes now I was grown so tall. She said I must have +a suit against winter, if--if--she could afford it. She winced +rather at the 'if,' Heaven bless her! I knew what was in her mind. +And then she fell to telling me about the black pig that must be +killed, and that she had found the speckled hen's nest that morning, +whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling talk. Some of these +eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a good appetite; but in +helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she started up with a +scream. 'THANK GOD,' said she, 'IT'S FALLEN TOWARDS ME.' And then, +her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they have their +faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like them? + +When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father +had vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?-- +the brave woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she +had the courage of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took +down the pistols, which were always kept bright and well oiled, and +put some fresh flints I had into the locks, and got balls and powder +ready against the Captain should come. There was claret and a cold +fowl put ready for him on the sideboard, and a case-bottle of old +brandy too, with a couple of little glasses on the silver tray with +the Barry arms emblazoned. In after life, and in the midst of my +fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five guineas, and almost as +much more interest, to the London goldsmith who supplied my father +with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would only give me +sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the honour of +rascally tradesmen! + +At eleven o'clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a +mounted dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation +which my mother's care had provided for him, and then said, 'Look +ye, Redmond my boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry +Quin, mark my words; and as sure as she does you'll forget her. You +are but a boy. Quin is willing to consider you as such. Dublin's a +fine place, and if you have a mind to take a ride thither and see +the town for a month, here are twenty guineas at your service. Make +Quin an apology, and be off.' + +'A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,' says I, 'dies, but never apologises. +I'll see the Captain hanged before I apologise.' + +'Then there's nothing for it but a meeting.' + +'My mare is saddled and ready,' says I; 'where's the meeting, and +who's the Captain's second?' + +'Your cousins go out with him,' answered Mr. Fagan. + +'I'll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,' I said, 'as soon as +you have rested yourself.' Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, +and I rode away, but I didn't take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains +of her bedroom windows were down, and they didn't move as we mounted +and trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen +her as she came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she +gave as she hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without +a wound in his body. + +What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the +ground, Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, +flaming in red regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier +company. The party were laughing together at some joke of one or the +other: and I must say I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my +cousins, who were met, perhaps, to see the death of one of their +kindred. + +'I hope to spoil this sport,' says I to Captain Fagan, in a great +rage, 'and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully's +body.' + +'Oh! it's with pistols we fight,' replied Mr. Fagan. 'You are no +match for Quin with the sword.' + +'I'll match any man with the sword,' said I. + +'But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He +knocked his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he +was riding home, and can scarce move it now.' + +'Not against Castle Brady gate,' says I: 'that has been off the +hinges these ten years.' On which Fagan said it must have been some +other gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my +cousins, when, on alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted +those gentlemen. + +'Oh yes! dead lame,' said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, +while Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. 'And +very lucky for you, Redmond my boy,' continued Ulick; 'you were a +dead man else; for he is a devil of a fellow--isn't he, Fagan?' + +'A regular Turk,' answered Fagan; adding, 'I never yet knew the man +who stood to Captain Quin.' + +'Hang the business!' said Ulick; 'I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. Say +you're sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.' + +'If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed'--here +interposed Mr. Quin. + +'I am NOT sorry--I'll NOT apologise--and I'll as soon go to DUBLING +as to--!' said I, with a stamp of my foot. + +'There's nothing else for it,' said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. +'Take your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?' + +'Ten, sir,' said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; 'and make them short +ones, do you hear, Captain Fagan?' + +'Don't bully, Mr. Quin,' said Ulick surlily; 'here are the pistols.' +And he added, with some emotion, to me, 'God bless you, my boy; and +when I count three, fire.' + +Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine +(which were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of +Ulick's. 'They are all right,' said he. 'Never fear: and, Redmond, +fire at his neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool +shows himself open.' Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and +the Captain retired to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was +slowly given, and I had leisure to cover my man well. I saw him +changing colour and trembling as the numbers were given. At 'three,' +both our pistols went off. I heard something whizz by me, and my +antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, staggered backwards and +fell. + +'He's down--he's down!' cried the seconds, running towards him. +Ulick lifted him up--Mick took his head. + +'He's hit here, in the neck,' said Mick; and laying open his coat, +blood was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at +which I aimed. + +'How is it with you?' said Ulick. 'Is he really hit?' said he, +looking hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when +the support of Ulick's arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once +more, and fell backwards. + +'The young fellow has begun well,' said Mick, with a scowl. 'You had +better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind +of the business before we left Kilwangan.' + +'Is he quite dead?' said I. + +'Quite dead,' answered Mick. + +'Then the world's rid of A COWARD,' said Captain Fagan, giving the +huge prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. 'It's all over +with him, Reddy,--he doesn't stir.' + +'WE are not cowards, Fagan,' said Ulick roughly, 'whatever he was! +Let's get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a +cart, and take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has +been a sad day's work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed +us of 1500(pounds) a year.' + +'It was Nora did it,' said I; 'not I.' And I took the riband she +gave me out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on +the body of Captain Quin. 'There!' says I--'take her those ribands. +She'll know what they mean: and that's all that's left to her of two +lovers she had and ruined.' + +I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my +enemy prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered +him honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + +'And now, in Heaven's name, get the youngster out of the way,' said +Mick. + +Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, +never drawing bridle till we came to my mother's door. When there, +Ulick told Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that +day; and I was in the poor mother's arms in a minute. + +I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she +heard from Ulick's lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He +urged, however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and +it was agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, +taking that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters +were blown over. This arrangement was not come to without some +discussion; for why should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said, +as my cousin and Ulick at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got +near THEM; why should constables be enabled to come upon me? But +Ulick persisted in the necessity of my instant departure; in which +argument, as I was anxious to see the world, I must confess, I sided +with him; and my mother was brought to see that in our small house +at Barryville, in the midst of the village, and with the guard but +of a couple of servants, escape would be impossible. So the kind +soul was forced to yield to my cousin's entreaties, who promised +her, however, that the affair would soon be arranged, and that I +should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he know what fortune +was in store for me! + +My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation +was to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had +been consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that +all the signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking +from her escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for +me (she had herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise, +to be placed at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes, +linen, and a silver dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too, +to keep the sword and the pistols I had known to use so like a man. +She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I know, was full), +and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was once more +on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I need +not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I +had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY +sad who has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his +pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the +kind mother left alone, and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow, +and all the wonders it would bring. + +CHAPTER III + +A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + +I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and +being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it +as Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I +was of the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to +Trinity College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome +appearance, silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord +made free to send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged, +you may be sure, pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman +in those good old days went to bed without a good share of liquor to +set him sleeping, and on this my first day's entrance into the +world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman completely; and, I +assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The excitement of +the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting with +Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the +claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the +death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I +have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my +affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, that where a +gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be +ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could +sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast; +and exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not +forgetting to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman +should. I began so the first day of my life, and so have continued. +No man has been at greater straits than I, and has borne more +pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I +had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as +well as a lord could do. + +I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, +parts, and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had +twenty gold guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was +mistaken) I calculated would last me for four months at least, +during which time something would be done towards the making of my +fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, or chatting with the +passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God save me for a +clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between to-day and +yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. I +vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I +kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + +There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in +those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you +from one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The +gentry rode their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and +spent three days on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that +there was no lack of company for a person travelling towards Dublin. +I made part of the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well- +armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord, +with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He asked me the +question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my mother +was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as +myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a +holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that had already done +execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked +man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. She was a +much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not wish to +fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in +reputable condition. + +As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people +assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I +thought, making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling +'Stop thief!' at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were +only laughing at his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the +adventure which had just befallen. + +'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one +fellow. + +'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!' +cries another. + +'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said +a third. + +'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and, +seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash +of my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has +happened, madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my +hat, and bringing my mare up in a prance to the chair window. + +The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was +hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped +by a highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on +his knees armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in +the next field working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of +them would help her; but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as +they called the highwayman, good luck. + +'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck +to him!' + +'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told, +grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed +the jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had +mounted his horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed +two barristers who were going the circuit. + +I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should +taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort +Mrs. Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?' +'Everything: her purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her +jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of +the Captain's.' These mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing +her by her accent to be an Englishwoman, deplored the difference +that existed between the two countries, and said that in OUR country +(meaning England) such atrocities were unknown. + +'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of +surprise. On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I +was; and I never knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not +wish he could say as much. + +I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she +had been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple +of pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was +graciously pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough +to invite me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding +my birth and parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of +large fortune (this was not true; but what is the use of crying bad +fish? my dear mother instructed me early in this sort of prudence) +and good family in the county of Waterford; that I was going to +Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five hundred +per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the +daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of +course, I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well- +bred to say so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match +with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?--No! That +was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a hundred thousand acres +there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest mansion in Ireland. +Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled +with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went on to tell +me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse- +races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite +eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think +that my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from +being presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the +most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that +of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence +she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke +French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I +knew a few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was +no judge of that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL +English person I had ever met. She recommended me, further, to be +very cautious with regard to the company I should meet at Dublin, +where rogues and adventurers of all countries abounded; and my +delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as our +conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she +kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, +where her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her +gallant young preserver. + +'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which +was perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery +to prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + +'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering +servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was +waiting on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in +copper, and the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?' + +But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of +the room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool +didn't know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was +in the pocket-book that Freny took from her.' + +Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I +should have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of +fashion she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories +for truth, and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid +it with the air of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the +two pieces I had lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards +Dublin, into which city we made our entrance at nightfall. The +rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare of the linkboys, the +number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with the greatest +wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, according to +my dear mother's directions, who told me that it was the mark of a +man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that +any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel +than what he had been accustomed to at home. + +We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and +were let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, +where there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced +man, without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, +made his appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it +was Captain Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, +when he saw that a stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more +rapturously than ever. In introducing me, she persisted in saying +that I was her preserver, and complimented my gallantry as much as +if I had killed Freny, instead of coming up when the robbery was +over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds of Waterford intimately +well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew nothing of the family to +which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by asking WHICH of +the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in our family. +He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' says I, 'mine +are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off the scent. +I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the +Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + +Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a +cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had +known of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most +delicious venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent +us, with a flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, +my dear? But as bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say +ye to a fine lobster and a bottle of as good claret as any in +Ireland? Betty, clear these things from the table, and make the +mistress and our young friend welcome to our home.' + +Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a +tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, +handing out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get +the change for that, and procure the supper; which she did +presently, bringing back only a very few shillings out of the guinea +to her mistress, saying that the fishmonger had kept the remainder +for an old account. 'And the more great big blundering fool you, for +giving the gold piece to him,' roared Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how +many hundred guineas he said he had paid the fellow during the year. + +Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a +plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of +the city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on +terms of the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke +of my own estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told +all the stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and +some that, perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware +that my host was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own +blunders and misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was +some time before I knew that I had made no very desirable +acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went +to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck in having, +at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished a +couple. + +The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me +to imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, +was not as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been +an English lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been +aroused instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so +particular in Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this +precise country; hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike +me so much. For were not all the windows broken and stuffed with +rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever +a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a handle to the lock or a +hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom boasted of these +inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was evidently +a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, and my cracked toilet- +glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this sort +of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man +of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID +open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags; +so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my +silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, +where it shone to great advantage. + +When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, +which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot +shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone. + +'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess +not without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said +he. 'And maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the +cat too, and you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's +head in reply to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in +the parlour for breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same +cloth that had been used the night before: as I recognised by the +black mark of the Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of +porter at supper. + +My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was +an elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may +say of myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than +I. I had not the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have +since attained (to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk- +stones in my fingers; but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had +arrived at near my present growth of six feet, and with my hair in +buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands to my shirt, and a red +plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the gentleman I was born. +I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was grown too small for +me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit +to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more fitting my +size. + +'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young +Fred Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven +months, during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE +was satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.' + +After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons +introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his +particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also +presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great +expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that +I should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted +me to a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did +not care to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a +renewal of raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome +military frock, which he selected. + +Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to +the Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young +gentry were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her +preserver of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary +account of me, that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered +as a young gentleman of the highest family in the land, related to +all the principal nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir +to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of +my estate; and 'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I +let him have his way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is) +to be made much of, and to pass for a great personage. I had little +notion then that I had got among a set of impostors--that Captain +Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his lady a person of no +credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is perpetually +subject, and hence let young men take warning by me. + +I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the +incidents were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky +self, and of which my companions were certainly not of a kind +befitting my quality. The fact was, a young man could hardly have +fallen into worse hands than those in which I now found myself. I +have been to Donegal since, and have never seen the famous Castle of +Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to the oldest +inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much better +known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen +were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast +wars of later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen's +footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had +been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his +origin, of course I would have died rather than have associated with +him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales for truth, +and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into life, +introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny. +When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events +of my life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been +anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its +most fantastic tricks upon me. + +The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no +higher rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort +of ordinary which they held, and at which their friends were always +welcome on payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After +dinner, you may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the +company who played did not play for love merely. To these parties +persons of all sorts would come: young bloods from the regiments +garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the Castle; horse-riding, +wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about town, such as +existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city with which +I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such a +show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with +what I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an +Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more +than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young Irish +buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle, +and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a +patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client: +neither had a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and +the best of clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a +living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor +than they had or sold; and men of similar character, formed the +society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What +could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such +company?--(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were, +perhaps, no better than the males)--and in a very very short time I +became their prey. + +As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, +that they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having +already made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it +is true, a couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about +me played upon honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred +that medium to the payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on +account. + +With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; +and in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the +tradesmen took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since +learned that the rascal pigeoned several other young men of +property), and for a little time supplied me with any goods I might +be pleased to order. At length, my cash running low, I was compelled +to pawn some of the suits with which the tailor had provided me; for +I did not like to part with my mare, on which I daily rode in the +Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected uncle. I raised +some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had purchased of a +jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was enabled to +keep up appearances for yet a little time. + +I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, +but none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather +relieved when the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very +anxious that my mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant +life which I was leading at Dublin. It could not last very long, +however; for when my cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second +visit to the tailor, requesting him to make me more clothes, the +fellow hummed and ha'd, and had the impudence to ask payment for +those already supplied: on which, telling him I should withdraw my +custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a rascal +Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy; +and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to +it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons's +boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for +eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, owing +Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that +person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for +my mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out +of the stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in +vain that I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my +pocket--one of Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's, +and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head, +and laughed at every one of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master +Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and let me +whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands--it's a +regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality +should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise, +pay the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to +your parents,--it's the very best thing you can do.' + +In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if +all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home +and ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the +Captain and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe +lying on the ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious +Fitzsimons. 'Whom have I been harbouring in my house?' roared he, as +I entered the apartment. 'Who are you, sirrah?' + +'SIRRAH! Sir,' said I, 'I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.' + +'You're an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!' shouted the +Captain. + +'Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,' +replied I. + +'Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. +Ah! you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come +like a viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent +yourself as the heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I +inthrojuice you to the nobility and genthry of this methropolis' +(the Captain's brogue was large, and his words, by preference, +long); 'I take you to my tradesmen, who give you credit, and what do +I find? That you have pawned the goods which you took up at their +houses.' + +'I have given them my acceptances, sir,' said I with a dignified +air. + +'UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?' screamed Mrs. +Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the +documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else +could I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other +designation? After uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he +spoke of the fatal discovery of my real name on my linen--of his +misplaced confidence of affection, and the shame with which he +should be obliged to meet his fashionable friends and confess that +he had harboured a swindler, he gathered up the linen, clothes, +silver toilet articles, and the rest of my gear, saying that he +should step out that moment for an officer and give me up to the +just revenge of the law. + +During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence +of which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was +plunged, had so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a +word in reply to the fellow's abuse, but had stood quite dumb before +him. The sense of danger, however, at once roused me to action. +'Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,' said I; 'I will tell you why I was +obliged to alter my name: which is Barry, and the best name in +Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on the day before I came to +Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an Englishman, sir, and a +captain in His Majesty's service; and if you offer to let or hinder +me in the slightest way, the same arm which destroyed him is ready +to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don't leave this room +alive!' + +So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a 'ha! ha!' +and a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons's +heart, who started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with +a scream, flung herself between us. + +'Dearest Redmond,' she cried, 'be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don't +want the poor child's blood. Let him escape--in Heaven's name let +him go.' + +'He may go hang for me,' said Fitzsimons sulkily; 'and he'd better +be off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called +once, and will be here again before long. It was Moses the +pawnbroker that peached: I had the news from him myself.' By which I +conclude that Mr. Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat +which he procured from the merchant tailor on the day when the +latter first gave me credit. + +What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the +descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in +the duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I +must confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and +choose: no place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of +me, left the room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that +we should shake hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I +owed the fellow nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance +actually in my pocket for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs. +Fitzsimons, she sat down on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She +had her faults, but her heart was kind; and though she possessed but +three shillings in the world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul +made me take it before I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made +up: there was a score of recruiting-parties in the town beating up +for men to join our gallant armies in America and Germany; I knew +where to find one of these, having stood by the sergeant at a review +in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed out to me characters on the +field, for which I treated him to drink. + +I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the +Fitzsimonses, and, running into the street, hastened to the little +alehouse at which my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten +minutes had accepted His Majesty's shilling. I told him frankly that +I was a young gentleman in difficulties; that I had killed an +officer in a duel, and was anxious to get out of the country. But I +need not have troubled myself with any explanations; King George was +too much in want of men then to heed from whence they came, and a +fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was always welcome. Indeed, +I could not, he said, have chosen my time better. A transport was +lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on board that ship, to +which I marched that night, I made some surprising discoveries, +which shall be told in the next chapter. + +CHAPTER IV + +IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + +I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all +descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I +at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, the +recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the +reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we +soldiers were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was +now forced to keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, +who had taken refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had +done myself), is enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls +the blush into my old cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such +company. I should have fallen into despair, but that, luckily, +events occurred to rouse my spirits, and in some measure to console +me for my misfortunes. + +The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took +place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a +huge red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to +fly from a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than +a match for him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his +name--got away from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his +natural courage and ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of +all round about him. All recruits, especially, were the object of +the brute's insult and ill-treatment. + +I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over +a platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us +at mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was +served, like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat +more than half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and +filthy that I could not help turning round to the messman and +saying, 'Fellow, get me a glass!' At which all the wretches round +about me burst into a roar of laughter, the very loudest among them +being, of course, Mr. Toole. 'Get the gentleman a towel for his +hands, and serve him a basin of turtle-soup,' roared the monster, +who was sitting, or rather squatting, on the deck opposite me; and +as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of grog and emptied it, in +the midst of another burst of applause. + +'If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who +BATES him,' here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link- +boy, who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military +life. + +'Is it a towel of your wife's washing, Mr. Toole?' said I. 'I'm told +she wiped your face often with one.' + +'Ax him why he wouldn't see her yesterday, when she came to the +ship,' continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other +foolish jokes about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set +the man into a fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. +We should have fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines, +who kept watch at the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain +and have a fancy to escape, came forward and interposed between us +with fixed bayonets; but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and +hearing the dispute, condescended to say that we might fight it out +like men with FISTES if we chose, and that the fore-deck should be +free to us for that purpose. But the use of fistes, as the +Englishman called them, was not then general in Ireland, and it was +agreed that we should have a pair of cudgels; with one of which +weapons I finished the fellow in four minutes, giving him a thump +across his stupid sconce which laid him lifeless on the deck, and +not receiving myself a single hurt of consequence. + +This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect +among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my +spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily +made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old +friend. This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had +sent me thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a +young nobleman who had a company in our regiment (Gale's foot), and +who, preferring the delights of the Mall and the clubs to the +dangers of a rough campaign, had given Fagan the opportunity of an +exchange; which, as the latter had no fortune but his sword, he was +glad to make. The sergeant was putting us through our exercise on +deck (the seamen and officers of the transport looking grinning on) +when a boat came from the shore bringing our captain to the ship; +and though I started and blushed red as he recognised me--a +descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I promise you +that the sight of Fagan's face was most welcome to me, for it +assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so +melancholy that I would certainly have deserted had I found the +means, and had not the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent +any such escapes. Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered +no public token of acquaintance; it was not until two days +afterwards, and when we had bidden adieu to old Ireland and were +standing out to sea, that he called me into his cabin, and then, +shaking hands with me cordially, gave me news, which I much wanted, +of my family. 'I had news of you in Dublin,' he said. ''Faith you've +begun early, like your father's son; and I think you could not do +better than as you have done. But why did you not write home to your +poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at Dublin.' + +I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were +none for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, +after the first week, to write to my mother. + +'We must write to her by the pilot,' said he, 'who will leave us in +two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to +Brown Bess.' I sighed when he talked about being married; on which +he said with a laugh, 'I see you are thinking of a certain young +lady at Brady's Town.' + +'Is Miss Brady well?' said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for +I certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her +in the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man +very affectionate. + +'There's only seven Miss Bradys now,' answered Fagan, in a solemn +voice. 'Poor Nora'-- + +'Good heavens! what of her?' I thought grief had killed her. + +'She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console +herself with a husband. She's now Mrs. John Quin.' + +'Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?' asked I, quite +wonder-stricken. + +'No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The +ball you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made +of tow. Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a +year out of the family?' And then Fagan further told me that, in +order to get me out of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could +never be brought to marry from fear of me--the plan of the duel had +been arranged. 'But hit him you certainly did, Redmond, and with a +fine thick plugget of tow; and the fellow was so frightened, that he +was an hour in coming to. We told your mother the story afterwards, +and a pretty scene she made; she despatched a half-score of letters +to Dublin after you, but I suppose addressed them to you in your +real name, by which you never thought to ask for them.' + +'The coward!' said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably +relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). 'And did the +Bradys of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into +one of the most ancient and honourable families in the world?' + +'He has paid off your uncle's mortgage,' said Fagan; 'he gives Nora +a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of +the Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has +been the making of your uncle's family. 'Faith! the business was +well done.' And then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had +never let him out of their sight, although he was for deserting to +England, until the marriage was completed and the happy couple off +on their road to Dublin. 'Are you in want of cash, my boy?' +continued the good-natured Captain. 'You may draw upon me, for I got +a couple of hundred out of Master Quin for my share, and while they +last you shall never want.' + +And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I +did forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I +had been guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that +moment under what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had +embarked for Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely +finished when the pilot sang out that he was going on shore; and he +departed, taking with him, from many an anxious fellow besides +myself, our adieux to friends in old Ireland. + +Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and +have been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as +well confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman +who assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any +military decoration higher than a corporal's stripe of worsted. I +was made corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my +rank was confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too, +and afterwards, perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but +Fate did not intend that I should remain long an English soldier: as +shall appear presently. Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable; +my adventures were told by Fagan to his brother officers, who +treated me with kindness; and my victory over the big chairman +procured me respect from my comrades of the fore-deck. Encouraged +and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty resolutely; but, +though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never at first +condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, was +called generally amongst them 'my Lord.' I believe it was the ex- +link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that +I should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom. + +It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to +explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe +was engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be +so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to +understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a +chapter than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader +with any personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know +is, that after His Majesty's love of his Hanoverian dominions had +rendered him most unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at +the head of the anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt +becoming Minister, the rest of the empire applauded the war as much +as they had hated it before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld +were in every-body's mouths, and 'the Protestant hero,' as we used +to call the godless old Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a +saint, a very short time after we had been about to make war against +him in alliance with the Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on +Frederick's side: the Empress, the French, the Swedes, and the +Russians, were leagued against us; and I remember, when the news of +the battle of Lissa came even to our remote quarter of Ireland, we +considered it as a triumph for the cause of Protestantism, and +illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, and kept the +Prussian king's birthday; on which my uncle would get drunk: as +indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted with +myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with +such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, +forsooth, were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; +who was belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, +as well as the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops +of the Emperor and the King of France. It was against these latter +that the English auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the +quarrel what it may, an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty +willing to make a fight of it. + +We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the +Electorate I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, +and having a natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as +accomplished at the drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It +is well, however, to dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at +home; ay, or to make it as an officer, surrounded by gentlemen, +gorgeously dressed, and cheered by chances of promotion. But those +chances do not shine on poor fellows in worsted lace: the rough +texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I saw an officer go +by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, I would hear +their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; my pride +revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and candle- +grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. Yes, my +tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the +horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of +promotion? None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission, +and I became soon so low-spirited, that I longed for a general +action and a ball to finish me, and vowed that I would take some +opportunity to desert. + +When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was +threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined +from Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his +footman, and that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the +first occasion I burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had +serious thoughts of committing suicide, so great was my +mortification. But my kind friend Fagan came to my aid in the +circumstance, with some very timely consolation. 'My poor boy,' said +he, 'you must not take the matter to heart so. Caning is only a +relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was flogged himself at Eton +School only a month ago: I would lay a wager that his scars are not +yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your duty, be a gentleman, +and no serious harm can fall on you.' And I heard afterwards that my +champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to task for this +threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the future he +should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young ensign +was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of +them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what +the penalty, I would take his life. And, 'faith! there was an air of +sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and +as long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid +on the shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage +moody state, that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I +looked to hear my own dead march played as sure as I was alive. When +I was made a corporal, some of my evils were lessened; I messed with +the sergeants by special favour, and used to treat them to drink, +and lose money to the rascals at play: with which cash my good +friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied me. + +Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily +got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that +our great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated- +no, not defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the +Duke of Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been +obliged to fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed +forward, and made a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious +monarch in Hanover, threatening that they would occupy it; as they +had done before, when D'Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the +gallant Duke of Cumberland, and caused him to sign the capitulation +of Closter Zeven. An advance upon Hanover always caused a great +agitation in the Royal bosom of the King of England; more troops +were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were passed over to our +forces, and to our ally's the King of Prussia; and although, in +spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand was very +much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the +advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the +world: and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we +say about THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly +cover himself with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have +been won there one of the greatest victories of modern times. + +Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the +Electorate, Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town +of Bremen, which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round +which he gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous +battle of Minden. + +Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to +utter a single word for which my own personal experience did not +give me the fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero +of some strange and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of +novel-writers, introduce my reader to the great characters of this +remarkable time. These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they +take a drummer or a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him +in contact with the greatest lords and most notorious personages of +the empire; and I warrant me there's not one of them but, in +describing the battle of Minden, would manage to bring Prince +Ferdinand, and my Lord George Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into +presence. It would have been easy for me to have SAID I was present +when the orders were brought to Lord George to charge with the +cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, and when he refused to +do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But the fact is, I was +two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship's fatal hesitation +took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of what had +occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles in +the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I +saw no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of +orderly officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that +is. A poor corporal (as I then had the, disgrace of being) is not +generally invited into the company of commanders and the great; but, +in revenge, I saw, I promise you, some very good company on the +FRENCH part, for their regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were +charging us all day; and in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are +pretty equally received. I hate bragging, but I cannot help saying +that I made a very close acquaintance with the colonel of the +Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, and finished off a +poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, that a blow from +my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in place of the butt +of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, besides, four +more officers and men, and in the poor ensign's pocket found a purse +of fourteen louis-d'or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; of which +the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would tell +their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of +truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of +Minden (except from books) is told here above. The ensign's silver +bon-bon box and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow +as he fell; the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under +a smart fire and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand +in hand with the Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified +recollections, and had best be passed over briefly. When my kind +friend Fagan was shot, a brother captain, and his very good friend, +turned to Lieutenant Rawson and said, 'Fagan's down; Rawson, there's +your company.' It was all the epitaph my brave patron got. 'I should +have left you a hundred guineas, Redmond,' were his last words to +me, 'but for a cursed run of ill luck last night at faro.' And he +gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, as the word was given to +advance, I left him. When we came back to our old ground, which we +presently did, he was lying there still; but he was dead. Some of +our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, no doubt, had +rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war become! It +is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but remember +the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, entirely +ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can have +no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with +these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have +been doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for +instance, we are at the present moment admiring the 'Great +Frederick,' as we call him, and his philosophy, and his liberality, +and his military genius, I, who have served him, and been, as it +were, behind the scenes of which that great spectacle is composed, +can only look at it with horror. What a number of items of human +crime, misery, slavery, go to form that sum-total of glory! I can +recollect a certain day about three weeks after the battle of +Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; and how the old +woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; and how we +got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, presently; +and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home to look +for his house and his children! + +CHAPTER V + +BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + +After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to +confess that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. +Being a rough soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a +favourite with the officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for +Irishmen, as Englishmen sometimes will have, and used to mock his +brogue, and his blunt uncouth manners. I had been insolent to one or +two of them, and had only been screened from punishment by his +intercession; especially his successor, Mr. Rawson, had no liking +for me, and put another man into the sergeant's place vacant in his +company after the battle of Minden. This act of injustice rendered +my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of seeking to +conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by good +behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to +me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign +country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually under +contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities +were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in +more peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the +sergeants, and to share their amusements: drinking and gambling +were, I am sorry to say, our principal pastimes; and I fell so +readily into their ways, that though only a young lad of seventeen, +I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; though there were +some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in the science +of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the provost- +marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer +in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the +English service in rather a singular manner. + +The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be +present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and +his horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the +cavalry since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and +where Prince Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. +During the action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the +gentleman who had threatened me, it may be remembered, with the +caning, was struck by a musket-ball in the side. He had shown no +want of courage in this or any other occasion where he had been +called upon to act against the French; but this was his first wound, +and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He offered +five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I +and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him +into a place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and +where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take +himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress his +wound. + +In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be +confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons +brought an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and +black-eyed young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind +father, a retired Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When +the French were in the town, Meinherr's house had suffered like +those of his neighbours; and he was at first exceedingly unwilling +to accommodate his guests. But the first knocking at the door had +the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and Mr. Fakenham, taking a +couple of guineas out of a very full purse, speedily convinced the +people that they had only to deal with a person of honour. + +Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who +paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with +my other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some +deserved compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and +thinking, with no small envy, how comfortable it would be to be +billeted there--when the private who was with me cut short my +reveries by suggesting that we should divide the five guineas the +lieutenant had given me. + +'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which +was plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a +dreadful oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to +a quarter which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, +hit me a blow with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the +ground: when I awoke from my> trance, I found myself bleeding with a +large wound in the head, and had barely time to stagger back to the +house where I had left the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at +the door. + +Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; +for when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of +the house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was +copiously bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room +where the lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel, +the servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till +now, slept in the couch where the wounded officer lay. + +'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German; +for the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and +loss of blood. + +They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + +'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be +sure I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too +faint to compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to +bed carefully; and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find +that my pockets had been rifled by the English soldier after he had +knocked me down. However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who +sheltered me presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took +it, I could not help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in +truth, did this token of my gratitude seem unwelcome. + +This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found +Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be +provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the +bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance. +His illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself; +for some nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a +commanding officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention, +very likely, of billeting himself on the house, that the howling and +mad words of the patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather +frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably in the lower +apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only when the +officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my regiment, +that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and +that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with +a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long +before daybreak for drill. + +The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined +forthwith to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town +called 'Wandering Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked +as a lad, and I again put them in practice. That night I made an +attempt upon Lischen, saluting her with a yell and a grin which +frightened her almost out of her wits; and when anybody came I was +raving. The blow on the head had disordered my brain; the doctor was +ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered to him that I +was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced wife Queen +Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her +Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty +beard, such as is rare in Egypt. + +A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on +our part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, +whose surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we +were well, we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that +I never would join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, +almost the only neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence +to get a passage somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's +Town. + +If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my +conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to +frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of +Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon +the patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object +to have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility +and mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all +his favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom +the worthy gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither +and thither, made impertinent love to her, abused her soups, +quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid +out for his maintenance; so that our hostess detested him as much +as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me. + +For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her +during my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of +whatever age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way +in the world, these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion +or another; never mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate, +they are not offended with your declaration of it, and only look +upon you with more favourable eyes in consequence of your +misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic story of my +life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here narrated,-- +for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that history, as +in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's heart +entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German +language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and +heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in +the neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and +occupied several times before I came to invest it; now mounting +French colours, now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white +Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad +in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty quickly, or her life +will be but a sad one. + +The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the +English only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my +residence; and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a +darkened room, much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: +but I said the light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on +the head; and so I covered up my head with clothes when the doctor +came, and told him that I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him +some insane nonsense, in order to keep up my character. + +'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, +fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + +'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I. + +The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of +receiving him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took +care to be in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with +Lischen as the surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a +dressing-jacket of the lieutenant's, and some other articles of his +wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no +ungentlemanlike figure. + +'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply +to my smiling salute. + +'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch +look at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + +'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'-- + +'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you +mistook me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or +twice pretended to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can +answer which is which.' + +'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the +day you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.' + +'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, +Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?' + +'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.' + +Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing +in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I +cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, +for he was in a very excited state. + +The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what +my design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape +under the character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to +his face, as it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious +necessity. It was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all +his money and clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was +so urgent, that I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect +my escape without his purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my +duty to take possession of one and the other. + +As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at +all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to +inform myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know +me were in the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and +so I calmly took my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the +lieutenant's uniform, made inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to +purchase, reported myself to the commandant of the place as +Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English regiment of foot, +convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the +Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would +have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his +name! + +Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did +with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the +regiment for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed +him that they were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, +had them very neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed +to depart. His papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow; +and, as I had purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it. + +At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, +when I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux +with my kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, +making up my mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's +room attired in his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over +my left eye. + +'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you +mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my +Wegimentals? As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the +Wegiment, I'll have your soul cut out of your body.' + +'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take +my leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to +have your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his +pillow; at which he gave a scream that might have called the whole +garrison about my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or +you are a dead man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight +around his mouth so as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling +forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in a knot together, and +so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you may be sure, and +wishing him politely a good day. + +'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were +attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking +leave of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how +tender) of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, +as I pranced away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the +town-gates, felt once more that I was in my proper sphere, and +determined never again to fall from the rank of a gentleman. + +I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave +out that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian +commandant of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of +sight of the advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the +Hesse-Cassel territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: +and I promise you I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on +the barriers, which showed me that I was out of the land occupied by +our countrymen. I rode to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving +out that I was the bearer of despatches to Prince Henry, then on the +Lower Rhine, and put up at the best hotel of the place, where the +field-officers of the garrison had their ordinary. These gentlemen I +treated to the best wines that the house afforded, for I was +determined to keep up the character of the English gentleman, and I +talked to them about my English estates with a fluency that almost +made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even asked to +an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and danced a +minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a few +pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + +At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me +with great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about +England; which I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound +to say, was bad enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, +and the noble families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness +of youth (and a propensity which I possessed in my early days, but +of which I have long since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a +manner not altogether consonant with truth), I invented a thousand +stories which I told him; described the King and the Ministers to +him, said the British Ambassador at Berlin was my uncle, and +promised my acquaintance a letter of recommendation to him. When the +officer asked me my uncle's name, I was not able to give him the +real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it is as good a name as +any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, are as good a +family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories about my +regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other +histories had been equally authentic. + +On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an +open smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for +Dusseldorf, whither I said my route lay; and so laying our horses' +heads together we jogged on. The country was desolate beyond +description. The prince in whose dominions we were was known to be +the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He would sell to any +bidder, and during the five years which the war (afterwards called +the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had so exhausted the males of +his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the +children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw +herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few +troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian +sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with +some of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition. + +'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such +wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, +and hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They +get five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they +bring in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we +would go as high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have +given a thousand for you, when he had his giant regiment that our +present monarch disbanded.' + +'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call +him Morgan Prussia.' + +'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?' + +'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in +Hanover by some of your recruiters.' + +'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an +Englishman?' + +''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; +as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the +giant guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants +there. Many of these monsters used to complain of their life, and +their caning, and their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan +was not one of the grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get +fat here in Berlin, than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"' + +'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion. + +'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful +district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of +Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and +London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, +Morgan said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only +thing which caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was +the thought that his brothers were still starving at home, when they +might be so much better off in His Majesty's service. + +'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the +information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant +of the guards, entirely!" + +'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant. + +'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family! +There's six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and +out the biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's +Morgan!" + +'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?" + +'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the +cane, they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan: +"but it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be +in a grenadier's cap!" + +'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only +sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told +by the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King +himself; and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he +actually consented to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with +him his seven enormous brothers.' + +'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I +could not help laughing at his simplicity. + +'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once +free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in +Tipperary with the money that was given him to secure his brothers; +and I fancy few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.' + +The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that +the English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my +setting him right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode +on very well pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories +of the war to tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the +thousand escapes, and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious +than victories, through which the King had passed. Now that I was a +gentleman, I could listen with admiration to these tales: and yet +the sentiment recorded at the end of the last chapter was uppermost +in my mind but three weeks back, when I remembered that it was the +great general got the glory, and the poor soldier only insult and +the cane. + +'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer. + +It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap- +hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general a +year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite +satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on; +and our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a +halt. + +'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what +appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + +'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not +pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on +for Corbach.' + +'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the +officer. 'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and, +truth to say, such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't +care to own. 'The people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as +well as innkeepers;' and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than +an inn yard. We entered by a great gate into a Court walled round, +and at one end of which was the building, a dingy ruinous place. A +couple of covered waggens were in the court, their horses were +littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place were +some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both +touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary +formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the +inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I +observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were +entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about +the country, and one could not take too many precautions against +such villains. + +We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our +horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to +my bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his +pains. + +A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench +that came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had +expected to see; and the Captain, laughing, said, 'Well, our meal is +a frugal one, but a soldier has many a time a worse:' and, taking +off his hat, sword-belt, and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat +down to eat. I would not be behindhand with him in politeness, and +put my weapon securely on the old chest of drawers where his was +laid. + +The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very +sour wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill- +humour. + +'Where's the beauty you promised me?' said I, as soon as the old hag +had left the room. + +'Bah!' said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: 'it was my joke. I +was tired, and did not care to go farther. There's no prettier woman +here than that. If she won't suit your fancy, my friend, you must +wait a while.' + +This increased my ill-humour. + +'Upon my word, sir,' said I sternly, 'I think you have acted very +coolly!' + +'I have acted as I think fit!' replied the captain. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I'm a British officer!' + +'It's a lie!' roared the other, 'you're a DESERTER! You're an +impostor, sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I +suspected you yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from +Warburg, and I thought you were the man. Your lies and folly have +confirmed me. You pretend to carry despatches to a general who has +been dead these ten months: you have an uncle who is an ambassador, +and whose name forsooth you don't know. Will you join and take the +bounty, sir; or will you be given up?' + +'Neither!' said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I +was, he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his +pocket, fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table +where he stood dodging me, as it were,-- + +'Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!' In +another minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants +entered, armed with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + +The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; +for the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + +'I volunteer,' said I. + +'That's my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?' + +'Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,' said I haughtily; 'a +descendant of the Irish kings!' + +'I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche's,' said the recruiter, +sneering, 'trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few +countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely +one of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.' + +'Sir,' said I, 'king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.' + +'Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,' answered the Captain, +still in the sneering mood. 'Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and +let us see who you really are.' + +As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. +Fakenham's, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting +very rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to +get and keep it. + +'It can matter very little to you,' said I, 'what my private papers +are: I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.' + +'Give it up, sirrah!' said the Captain, seizing his cane. + +'I will not give it up!' answered I. + +'HOUND! do you mutiny?' screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me +a lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated +effect of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with +him, the two sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the +ground and stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head. +It was bleeding severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was +already torn off my back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands +tied behind my back. + +The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white slave- +dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops or +kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those +brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help +telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately +befell the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of +friendship and good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me. +This individual was a person of high family and known talents and +courage, but who had a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and +found his calling as a recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than +his pay of second captain in the line. The sovereign, too, probably +found his services more useful in the former capacity. His name was +Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was one of the most successful of +the practisers of his rascally trade. He spoke all languages, and +knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty in finding out the +simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + +About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at +this time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his +walk upon the bridge there, and get into conversation with the +French advanced sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising +'mountains and marvels,' as the French say, if they would take +service in Prussia. One day there was on the bridge a superb +grenadier, whom Galgenstein accosted, and to whom he promised a +company, at least, if he would enlist under Frederick. + +'Ask my comrade yonder,' said the grenadier; 'I can do nothing +without him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same +company, sleep in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will +go and you will give him a captaincy, I will go too.' + +'Bring your comrade over to Kehl,' said Galgenstein, delighted. 'I +will give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both +of you.' + +'Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?' said the grenadier. +'I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over +the matter.' + +Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but +presently a panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the +grenadier brought his bayonet to the Prussian's breast and bade him +stand: that he was his prisoner. + +The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the +bridge and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the +intrepid sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer +of the two, seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg +side of the stream, where he gave him up. + +'You deserve to be shot,' said the general to him, 'for abandoning +your post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and +daring. The King prefers to reward you,' and the man received money +and promotion. + +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a +captain in the Prussian service, and applications were made to +Berlin to know if his representations were true. But the King, +though he employed men of this stamp (officers to seduce the +subjects of his allies) could not acknowledge his own shame. Letters +were written back from Berlin to say that such a family existed in +the kingdom, but that the person representing himself to belong to +it must be an impostor, for every officer of the name was at his +regiment and his post. It was Galgenstein's death-warrant, and he +was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + 'Turn him into the cart with the rest,' said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. + +CHAPTER VI + +THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + +The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as +I have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal +vehicle of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled +with a crew of men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, +had enlisted under the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I +could see by the lanterns of the sentinels, as they thrust me into +the straw, a dozen dark figures huddled together in the horrible +moving prison where I was now to be confined. A scream and a curse +from my opposite neighbour showed me that he was most likely +wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of the wretched +night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar captivity +kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually prevented my +getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight (as far as I +could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the creaking +lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers, +strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim +faces peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the +canvas curtains, that they might count the number of their +prisoners. The brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war +songs, such as 'O Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein +Kanon, mein Heerpauk und meine Musket,' 'Prinz Eugen der edle +Ritter.' and the like; their wild whoops and jodels making doleful +discord with the groans of us captives within the waggons. Many a +time afterwards have I heard these ditties sung on the march, or in +the barrack-room, or round the fires as we lay out at night. + +I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my +first enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to +be a private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who +will witness my shame; and that is the point which I have always +cared for most. There will be no one to say, 'There is young Redmond +Barry, the descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of +Dublin, pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.' Indeed, +but for that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that +every man of spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part, +would have always been contented with the humblest portion. Now +here, to all intents and purposes, one was as far removed from the +world as in the wilds of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe's Island. +And I reasoned with myself thus:--'Now you are caught, there is no +use in repining: make the best of your situation, and get all the +pleasure you can out of it. There are a thousand opportunities of +plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in war-time, out of which he +can get both pleasure and profit: make use of these, and be happy. +Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, and clever: and +who knows but you may procure advancement in your new service?' + +In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining +not to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with +perfect magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against +which it required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the +jolts of the waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in +my brain which I thought would have split my skull. As the morning +dawned, I saw that the man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, +in black, had a cushion of straw under his head. + +'Are you wounded, comrade?' said I. + +'Praised be the Lord,' said he, 'I am sore hurt in spirit and body, +and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, +poor youth?' + +'I am wounded in the head,' said I, 'and I want your pillow: give it +me--I've a clasp-knife in my pocket!' and with this I gave him a +terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA +GUERRE C'EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, +unless he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of +my steel. + +'I would give it thee without any threat, friend,' said the yellow- +haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + +He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the +cart, and began repeating, 'Ein' feste Burg ist unser Gott,' by +which I concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With +the jolts of the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more +exclamations and movements of the passengers showed what a motley +company we were. Every now and then a countryman would burst into +tears; a French voice would be heard to say, 'O mon Dieu!--mon +Dieu!' a couple more of the same nation were jabbering oaths and +chattering incessantly; and a certain allusion to his own and +everybody else's eyes, which came from a stalwart figure at the far +corner, told me that there was certainly an Englishman in our crew. + +But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In +spite of the clergyman's cushion, my head, which was throbbing with +pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; +it began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only +recollect having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at +a fortified town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the +journey was passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I +found myself lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood +watching over me. + +'They are in sad spiritual darkness,' said a voice from the bed next +to me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: 'they +are in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in +those poor creatures.' + +It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming +out from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + +'What! you there, Herr Pastor?' said I. + +'Only a candidate, sir,' answered the white nightcap. 'But, praised +be Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You +have been talking in the English language (with which I am +acquainted) of Ireland, and a young lady, and Mick, and of another +young lady, and of a house on fire, and of the British Grenadiers, +concerning whom you sung us parts of a ballad, and of a number of +other matters appertaining, no doubt, to your personal history.' + +'It has been a very strange one,' said I; 'and, perhaps, there is no +man in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be +compared to mine.' + +I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and +other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not +give himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + +'Well,' said my fellow-patient, 'I have no doubt yours is a strange +tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not +be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your +exhaustion great.' + +'Where are we?' I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were +in the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince +Henry's troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of +French near the town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor +candidate had been wounded. + +As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble +to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured my +comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the +greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were +enormously wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the +ancient kings, &c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our +conversation, I found that my interlocutor knew a great deal more +about Ireland than I did. When, for instance, I spoke of my +descent,-- + +'From which race of kings?' said he. + +'Oh!' said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), +'from the old ancient kings of all.' + +'What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?' said he. + +''Faith, I can,' answered I, 'and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if +you like.' + +'I see,' said the candidate, smiling, 'that you look upon those +legends with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom +your writers fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched +for in history. Nor do I believe that we have any more foundation +for the tales concerning them, than for the legends relative to +Joseph of Arimathea and King Bruce which prevailed two centuries +back in the sister island. + +And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or +Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to +say the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. +As for English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more +languages, he said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the +only Latin line that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which +says,-- + + 'As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,' + +he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to +tell him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so +got off the conversation. + +My honest friend's history was a curious one, and it may be told +here in order to show of what motley materials our levies were +composed:-- + +'I am,' said he, 'a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the +village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of +knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the +Greek and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and +Hebrew; and having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred +rixdalers, a sum amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I +went to the famous academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years +to the exact sciences and theology. Also, I learned what worldly +accomplishments I could command; taking a dancing-tutor at the +expense of a groschen a lesson, a course of fencing from a French +practitioner, and attending lectures on the great horse and the +equestrian science at the hippodrome of a celebrated cavalry +professor. My opinion is, that a man should know everything as far +as in his power lies: that he should complete his cycle of +experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it +behoves him. + +'I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred +rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score +of years, barely sufficed for five years' studies; after which my +studies were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to +devote much time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a +future period, resume my academic course. During this period I +contracted an attachment' (here the candidate sighed a little) 'with +a person, who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet +likely to sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind +friend and patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having +informed me that the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I +would like to have my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I +were minded to preach a trial sermon? As the gaining of this living +would further my union with my Amalia, I joyously consented, and +prepared a discourse. + +'If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you +extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my +biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I +should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the +present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in +which I hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily +set at rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble +family, and some officers of distinction who were staying at his +castle. Mr. Doctor Moser of Halle followed me in the evening +discourse; but, though his exercise was learned, and he disposed of +a passage of Ignatius, which he proved to be a manifest +interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect which mine +produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After the +sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped +lovingly at the "Blue Stag" in Rumpelwitz. + +'While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without +wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, "the tall one." +This could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than +any other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was +the person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I +had no difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + +'"Sir," said this Hebrew, "I have heard from a friend, who was in +your church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you +pronounced there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are +only one or two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your +honour could but condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I +think Solomon Hirsch would be a convert to your eloquence." + +'"What are these points, my good friend?" said I; and I pointed out +to him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of +these his doubts lay. + +'We had been walking up and down before the inn while our +conversation took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades +having heard the discourse in the morning, requested me, rather +peevishly, not to resume it at that period. I, therefore, moved on +with my disciple, and, at his request, began at once the sermon; for +my memory is good for anything, and I can repeat any book I have +read thrice. + +'I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, +that discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. +My Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of +surprise, assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. +"Prodigious!" said he;--"Wunderschon!" would he remark at the +conclusion of some eloquent passage; in a word, he exhausted the +complimentary interjections of our language: and to compliments what +man is averse? I think we must have walked two miles when I got to +my third head and my companion begged I would enter his house, which +we now neared, and partake of a glass of beer; to which I was never +averse. + +'That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, +were taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed +upon me, told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called +upon me to deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn +protest as to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in +MS., Prorector Nasenbrumm's recommendatory letter, proving my +identity, and three groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already +been in the cart twenty hours when you reached the house. The French +officer, who lay opposite you (he who screamed when you trod on his +foot, for he was wounded), was brought in shortly before your +arrival. He had been taken with his epaulets and regimentals, and +declared his quality and rank; but he was alone (I believe it was +some affair of love with a Hessian lady which caused him to be +unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he fell will make +more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is made to +share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. One +of M. de Soubise's cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the +French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are +led away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian +service), and three Dutchmen were taken besides.' + +'And you,' said I--'you who were just on the point of getting a +valuable living,--you who have so much learning, are you not +indignant at the outrage?' + +'I am a Saxon,' said the candidate, 'and there is no use in +indignation. Our government is crushed under Frederick's heel these +five years, and I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. +Nor am I, in truth, discontented with my lot; I have lived on a +penny bread for so many years, that a soldier's rations will be a +luxury to me. I do not care about more or less blows of a cane; all +such evils are passing, and therefore endurable. I will never, God +willing, slay a man in combat; but I am not unanxious to experience +on myself the effect of the war-passion, which has had so great an +influence on the human race. It was for the same reason that I +determined to marry Amalia, for a man is not a complete Mensch until +he is the father of a family; to be which is a condition of his +existence, and therefore a duty of his education. Amalia must wait; +she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook to the Frau +Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron's lady. I have one or two +books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in my +heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish +my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what +cause have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I +think I have wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have, +I know where to look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said, +without knowing all that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in +a situation to learn EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for +more? + +'Pardon me for putting so many _I_'s in my discourse,' said the +candidate, 'but when a man is talking of himself, 'tis the briefest +and simplest way of talking.' + +In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was +right. Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited +fellow, with no more ambition than to know the contents of a few +musty books, I think the man had some good in him; especially in the +resolution with which he bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of +the highest honour is often not proof against these, and has been +known to despair over a bad dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged- +elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear all, to put up with water if you +cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no velvet to be content with +frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, bien entendu, and the +man is a fool who will not seize the best when the scramble is open. + +The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to +impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out +of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as +possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into +the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. +The Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for +the fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know +the face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace, +men live and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be +imagined, to the amusements of the soldier's life. It is lest any +young gentleman like myself should take a fancy to a military +career, and fancy that of a private soldier a tolerable one, that I +am giving these, I hope, moral descriptions of what we poor fellows +in the ranks really suffered. + +As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the +hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves +and criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors +of the courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds +of us lay; until we were despatched to our different destinations. +It was soon seen by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst +us, and which the recruits; and for the former, while we lay in +prison, there was a little more leisure: though, if possible, a +still more strict watch kept than over the broken-spirited yokels +who had been forced or coaxed into the service. To describe the +characters here assembled would require Mr. Gilray's own pencil. +There were men of all nations and callings. The Englishmen boxed and +bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, and fenced; the +heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they could +manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and +at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I +entered the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my +property by the rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very +first game at cards with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of +asking whether I could pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is +the advantage of having a gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me +many a time since by procuring me credit when my fortunes were at +their lowest ebb. + +Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose real +name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small +sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty +and courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of +the ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the +noblesse) I have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman +must have been of the highest families in France, so grand and noble +was his manner, so superb his person. He was not quite so tall as +myself, fair, while I am dark, and, if possible, rather broader in +the shoulders. He was the only man I ever met who could master me +with the small-sword; with which he would pink me four times to my +three. As for the sabre, I could knock him to pieces with it; and I +could leap farther and carry more than he could. This, however, is +mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I became pretty intimate-- +for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the depot, and neither had +any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want of a better name, +Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a deserter, but +had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I fancy; +fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and +other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the +Bastile was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy +to return thither. + +He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a +considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he +became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both +ill luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in +our bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position +tenable. He had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his +misfortunes and separation from his family), and she used to be +admitted to see him twice or thrice a week, and never came empty- +handed---a little brown bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made +the greatest impression upon all the world. + +This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in +Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian +frontier; he maintained always the same character for daring and +skill, and was, in the secret republic of the regiment--which always +exists as well as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged +leader. He was an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, +dissolute, and a drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care +to coax and flatter his officers (which I always did), is sure to +fall out with them. Le Blondin's captain was his sworn enemy, and +his punishments were frequent and severe. + +His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) +used to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian +frontier, where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and +in obedience to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from +every one of her excursions, would bring in a little powder and +ball: commodities which are not to be procured by the Prussian +soldier, and which were stowed away in secret till wanted. They WERE +to be wanted, and that soon. + +Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We +don't know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it +embraced; but strange were the stories told about the plot amongst +us privates: for the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and +talked of by the army, in spite of all the Government efforts to +hush it up--hush it up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I +have seen the Irish rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry +of the poor. + +He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor +papers. No single one of the conspirators communicated with any +other than the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them +all. He had arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison, +at twelve o'clock on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town +were to be seized, the sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest? +Some of our people used to say that the conspiracy was spread +through all Silesia, and that Le Blondin was to be made a general in +the Austrian service. + +At twelve o'clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor +of Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and +the Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening +a wood hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split +open the sentinel's head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, +rushing into the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and +marched at once to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, +but the Frenchman rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the +axe, cut off his right hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing +the men rushing out armed, the guard without the gate drew up across +the road to prevent their passage; but the Frenchman's thirty gave +them a volley, charged them with the bayonet, and brought down +several, and the rest flying, the thirty rushed on. The frontier is +only a league from Neiss, and they made rapidly towards it. + +But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the +clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster +than any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the +troops called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked +the other guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and +their project was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the +discovery of the conspirators impossible, for no man could betray +his comrade, nor, of course, would he criminate himself. + +Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty +fugitives, who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian +frontier. When the horse came up with them, they turned, received +them with a volley and the bayonet, and drove them back. The +Austrians were out at the barriers, looking eagerly on at the +conflict. The women, who were on the look-out too, brought more +ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and they engaged and drove +back the dragoons several times. But in these gallant and fruitless +combats much time was lost, and a battalion presently came up, and +surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the poor fellows was +decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one of them asked +for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought with the +steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The +Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in +the thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the +officer who first advanced to seize him. + +He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back +to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before +a council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as +to his real name and family. 'What matters who I am?' said he; 'you +have me and will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so +famous.' In the same way he declined to make a single discovery +regarding the plot. 'It was all my doing,' he said; 'each man +engaged in it only knew me, and is ignorant of every one of his +comrades. The secret is mine alone, and the secret shall die with +me.' When the officers asked him what was the reason which induced +him to meditate a crime so horrible?--'It was your infernal +brutality and tyranny,' he said. 'You are all butchers, ruffians, +tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you were +not murdered long ago.' + +At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against +the wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his +fist. But Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized +the bayonet of one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it +into the officer's breast. 'Scoundrel and monster,' said he, 'I +shall have the consolation of sending you out of the world before I +die.' He was shot that day. He offered to write to the King, if the +officers would agree to let his letter go sealed into the hands of +the postmaster; but they feared, no doubt, that something might be +said to inculpate themselves, and refused him the permission. At the +next review Frederick treated them, it is said, with great severity, +and rebuked them for not having granted the Frenchman his request. +However, it was the King's interest to conceal the matter, and so it +was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well hushed up, that a +hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and many's the one of +us that has drunk to the Frenchman's memory over our wine, as a +martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, doubtless, some +readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging +insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as +privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be +so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get +his liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the +Austrian people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to +Silesia? It was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened +the axe which brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let +officers take warning, and think twice ere they visit poor fellows +with the cane. + +I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having +been a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt +my tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had +best, therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, +when one day a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre +young gentleman, who was brought in by a couple of troopers and +received a few cuts across the shoulders from one of them, say in +the best English, 'You infernal WASCAL, I'll be wevenged for this. +I'll WITE to my ambassador, as sure as my name's Fakenham of +Fakenham.' I burst out laughing at this: it was my old acquaintance +in MY corporal's coat. Lischen had sworn stoutly, that he was really +and truly the private, and the poor fellow had been drafted off, and +was to be made one of us. But I bear no malice, and having made the +whole room roar with the story of the way in which I had tricked the +poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which procured him his +liberty. 'Go to the inspecting officer,' said I; 'if they once get +you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will never give +you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him a +hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping +captain has your papers and portfolio' (this was true); 'above all, +show him that you have the means of paying him the promised money, +and I will warrant you are set free.' He did as I advised, and when +we were put on the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to +go into hospital, and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I +had recommended. He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his +own stinginess in bargaining for it, and never showed the least +gratitude towards me his benefactor. + +I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years' +War. At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its +disciplined valour, was officered and under-officered by native +Prussians, it is true; but was composed for the most part of men +hired or stolen, like myself, from almost every nation in Europe. +The deserting to and fro was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow's) +alone before the war, there had been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and +as they marched out of Berlin for the campaign, one of the fellows +had an old fiddle on which he was flaying a French tune, and his +comrades danced almost, rather than walked, after him, singing, +'Nous allons en France.' Two years after, when they returned to +Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the rest had fled or +were killed in action. The life the private soldier led was a +frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There +was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and +pitilessly using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that +in action there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of +sergeants and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to +the most frightful acts of despair under these incessant +persecutions and tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army +a horrible practice had sprung up, which for some time caused the +greatest alarm to the Government. This was a strange frightful +custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men used to say that life was +unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in order to avert which, and +to finish with the intolerable misery of their position, the best +plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, and therefore +secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as guilty of the +murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, the +prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a +horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful +protest, on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against +his monstrous tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was +strictly to forbid that such criminals should be attended by any +ecclesiastic whatever, and denied all religious consolation. + +The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to +inflict it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when +peace came the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not +noble; whatever their services might have been. He would call a +captain to the front of his company and say, 'He is not noble, let +him go.' We were afraid of him somehow, and were cowed before him +like wild beasts before their keeper. I have seen the bravest men of +the army cry like children at a cut of the cane; I have seen a +little ensign of fifteen call out a man of fifty from the ranks, a +man who had been in a hundred battles, and he has stood presenting +arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while the young wretch +lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. In a day of +action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry THEN and +nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, then +they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded +to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have +spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like +a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he +turned quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. 'For +God's sake,' said he, 'don't talk of that time: I wake up from my +sleep trembling and crying even now.' + +As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed I +tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found +opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I +took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any +further personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which +I did not take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should +be for the man or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there +was something in my character which made my superiors believe me; +for that bullet had already served me to kill an Austrian colonel, +and I would have given it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For +what cared I for their quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I +marched had one head or two? All I said was, 'No man shall find me +tripping in my duty; but no man shall ever lay a hand upon me.' And +by this maxim I abided as long as I remained in the service. + +I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any +more than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as +another, and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent +length, which it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a +braver, cleverer, handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the +Prussian army. I had formed myself to the condition of the proper +fighting beast; on a day of action I was savage and happy; out of +the field I took all the pleasure I could get, and was by no means +delicate as to its quality or the manner of procuring it. The truth +is, however, that there was among our men a much higher tone of +society than among the clumsy louts in the English army, and our +service was generally so strict that we had little time for doing +mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, and was called +by our fellows the 'Black Englander,' the 'Schwartzer Englander,' or +the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was sure to be +put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no +promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian +colonel (a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on +foot) that General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d'or in +front of the regiment, and said, 'I reward thee now; but I fear I +shall have to hang thee one day or other.' I spent the money, and +that I had taken from the colonel's body, every groschen, that night +with some jovial companions; but as long as war lasted was never +without a dollar in my purse. + +CHAPTER VII + +BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + +After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least +dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say +much for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still +left many hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our +pleasure had we the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess +got leave to work in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and +besides, my honour forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil +my fingers by a manual occupation. But our pay was barely enough to +keep us from starving; and as I have always been fond of pleasure, +and as the position in which we now were, in the midst of the +capital, prevented us from resorting to those means of levying +contributions which are always pretty feasible in wartime, I was +obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing for my +expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential +military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years +previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the +position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell +the truth, after five years in the ranks, a man's pride will submit +to many rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent +condition. + +The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the +war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, +moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de +Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young +gentleman's promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer +enough on parade or in barracks, but he was a person easily led by +flattery. I won his heart in the first place by my manner of tying +my hair in queue (indeed, it was more neatly dressed than that of +any man in the regiment), and subsequently gained his confidence by +a thousand little arts and compliments, which as a gentleman myself +I knew how to employ. He was a man of pleasure, which he pursued +more openly than most men in the stern Court of the King; he was +generous and careless with his purse, and he had a great affection +for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely sympathised with +him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was disliked in +the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate relations +with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he +carried the news of the corps. + +Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, +and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills +and parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came +in for a number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a +genteel figure and to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it +must be confessed very humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I +was always an especial favourite, and so polished was my behaviour +amongst them, that they could not understand how I should have +obtained my frightful nickname of the Black Devil in the regiment. +'He is not so black as he is painted,' I laughingly would say; and +most of the ladies agreed that the private was quite as well-bred as +the captain: as indeed how should it be otherwise, considering my +education and birth? + +When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to +address a letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not +given any news of myself for many many years; for the letters of the +foreign soldiers were never admitted to the post, for fear of +appeals or disturbances on the part of their parents abroad. My +captain agreed to find means to forward the letter, and as I knew +that he would open it, I took care to give it him unsealed; thus +showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as you may +imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were it +intercepted. I begged my honoured mother's forgiveness for having +fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own +country I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she +would, at least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the +service of the greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier's +life was most agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind +protector and patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I +knew it was out of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all +the girls at Castle Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky +downwards, and signed myself, as in truth I was, her affectionate +son, Redmond Barry, in Captain Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch +regiment of foot in garrison at Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant +story about the King kicking the Chancellor and three judges +downstairs, as he had done one day when I was on guard at Potsdam, +and said I hoped for another war soon, when I might rise to be an +officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter to be that of +the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this head at all +sorry to mislead my kind parent. + +I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me +some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the +circumstances pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of +a good family, but my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough +to support her eight daughters, whom I named. I had been to study +for the law at Dublin, where I had got into debt and bad company, +had killed a man in a duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his +powerful friends, if I returned. I had enlisted in the English +service, where an opportunity for escape presented itself to me such +as I could not resist; and hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham +of Fakenham in such a way as made my patron to be convulsed with +laughter, and he told me afterwards that he had repeated the story +at Madame de Kamake's evening assembly, where all the world was +anxious to have a sight of the young Englander. + +'Was the British Ambassador there?' I asked, in a tone of the +greatest alarm, and added, 'For Heaven's sake, sir, do not tell my +name to him, or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no +fancy to go to be hanged in my dear native country.' Potzdorff, +laughing, said he would take care that I should remain where I was, +on which I swore eternal gratitude to him. + +Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, +'Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I +wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been +advanced during the war, the general said they had had their eye +upon you: that you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of +a good stock; that no man in the regiment had had less fault found +with him; but that no man merited promotion less. You were idle, +dissolute, and unprincipled; you had done a deal of harm to the men; +and, for all your talents and bravery, he was sure would come to no +good.' + +'Sir!' said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have +formed such an opinion of me, 'I hope General Bulow is mistaken +regarding my character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; +but I have only done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I +have never had a kind friend and protector before, to whom I might +show that I was worthy of better things. The general may say I am a +ruined lad, and send me to the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go +to the d---l to serve YOU.' This speech I saw pleased my patron very +much; and, as I was very discreet and useful in a thousand delicate +ways to him, he soon came to have a sincere attachment for me. One +day, or rather night, when he was tete-a-tete with the lady of the +Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, I--But there is no use in telling +affairs which concern nobody now. + +Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the +Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, +and a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear +soul's writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy +sunshine of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my +uncle, and Phil Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought, +came back to me as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried +over it, as I hadn't done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took +care not to show my feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that +night, when I was to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside +Brandenburg Gate, with Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn's +gentlewoman of company), I somehow had not the courage to go; but +begged to be excused, and went early to bed in barracks, out of +which I went and came now almost as I willed, and passed a long +night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + +Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, +which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to +some of my acquaintance. The poor soul's letter was blotted all over +with tears, full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent +way. She said she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant +prince, though she feared he was not in the right way: that right +way, she said, she had the blessing to find, under the guidance of +the Reverend Joshua Jowls, whom she sat under. She said he was a +precious chosen vessel; a sweet ointment and precious box of +spikenard; and made use of a great number more phrases that I could +not understand; but one thing was clear in the midst of all this +jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and thought and +prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come across +many a poor fellow, in a solitary night's watch, or in sorrow, +sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his +mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they +are none of the gayest, and it's quite as well that they don't come +to you in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?-- +as mute as undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my +mother's health that night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman +whilst the money lasted. She pinched herself to give it me, as she +told me afterwards; and Mr. Jowls was very wroth with her. Although +the good soul's money was very quickly spent, I was not long in +getting more; for I had a hundred ways of getting it, and became a +universal favourite with the Captain and his friends. Now, it was +Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d'or for bringing her a +bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on the contrary, +the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of Rhenish, +and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might give +him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and +his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money, +you may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my +benefactor; and he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and +the lady fell out, and he began to pay his addresses to the rich +daughter of the Dutch Minister, I don't know how many more letters +and guineas the unfortunate Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I +might get her lover back again. But such returns are rare in love, +and the Captain used only to laugh at her stale sighs and +entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack I made myself so +pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite intimate there: +and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which surprised and +pleased my captain very much. These little hints he carried to his +uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made his advantage of +them; and thus I began to be received quite in a confidential light +by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal soldier, being +allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant you, of a +neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which the poor +fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as civil +to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth +to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister's nephew. There +was in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six +feet high in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some +affair of the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to +him one of my adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me +not to call him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when +they are very intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; +but I owed him no grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I +sent his sword flying over his head, said to him, 'Kurz, did ever +you know a man guilty of a mean action who can do as I do now?' This +silenced the rest of the grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me +after that. + +No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in +antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was +pleasant. But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of +which I need not say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking +for the army were all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my +employer. I sighed to be out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a +figure in the world. Had I been one of the Neiss garrison, I would +have cut my way to freedom by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but +here I had only artifice to enable me to attain my end, and was not +I justified in employing it? My plan was this: I may make myself so +necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that he will obtain my freedom. Once +free, with my fine person and good family, I will do what ten +thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, and will marry a lady of +fortune and condition. And the proof that I was, if not +disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is this. There +was a fat grocer's widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers of rent, +and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would +purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her +that I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a +chance of freedom which she offered me. + +And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. +The Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he +gave notes of hand payable on his uncle's death. The old Herr von +Potzdorff, seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to +bribe me to know what the young man's affairs really were. But what +did I do? I informed Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and +we made out, in concert, a list of little debts, so moderate, that +they actually appeased the old uncle instead of irritating, and he +paid them, being glad to get off so cheap. + +And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old +gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any +news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were +doing: whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; +who was at the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what +not; for the King liked to know the business of every officer in his +army), I was sent with a letter to the Marquis d'Argens (that +afterwards married Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting +the Marquis at a few paces off in the street, gave my message, and +returned to the Captain's lodging. He and his worthy uncle were +making my unworthy self the subject of conversation. + +'He is noble,' said the Captain. + +'Bah!' replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his +insolence). 'All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same +story.' + +'He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,' resumed the other. + +'A kidnapped deserter,' said M. Potzdorff; 'la belle affaire!' + +'Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am +sure you can make him useful.' + +'You HAVE asked his discharge,' answered the elder, laughing. 'Bon +Dieu! You are a model of probity! You'll never succeed to my place, +George, if you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow +as useful to you as you please. He has a good manner and a frank +countenance. He can lie with an assurance that I never saw +surpassed, and fight, you say, on a pinch. The scoundrel does not +want for good qualities; but he is vain, a spendthrift, and a +bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem over him, you +can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the lad is +likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to make +him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are +spies enough to be had in this town without him.' + +It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were +qualified by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from +the room extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my +fond dreams was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of +the army, by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For +some time my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow; +but the marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct +permission of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt +whether His Majesty would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the +handsomest man of his army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow +of sixty, who was quite beyond the age when her marriage would be +likely to multiply the subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty +was therefore vain; nor could I hope to purchase my discharge, +unless any charitable soul would lend me a large sum of money; for, +though I made a good deal, as I have said, yet I have always had +through life an incorrigible knack of spending, and (such is my +generosity of disposition) have been in debt ever since I was born. + +My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his +conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; +and said smilingly to me, 'Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister +regarding thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry +here speaks has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in +very dubious terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait +at the table of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police +Minister any news concerning them which might at all interest the +Government. The great Frederick never received a guest without +taking these hospitable precautions; and as for the duels which Mr. +Barry fights, may we be allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number +of these combats. It will be observed, in one or two other parts of +his Memoirs, that whenever he is at an awkward pass, or does what +the world does not usually consider respectable, a duel, in which he +is victorious, is sure to ensue; from which he argues that he is a +man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune is made. We shall get thee +out of the army, appoint thee to the police bureau, and procure for +thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, allow thee to move +in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has hitherto placed +thee. + +Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be +very much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the +Captain for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + +'Your service at the Dutch Minister's has pleased me very well. +There is another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to +us; and if you succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.' + +'What is the service, sir?' said I; 'I will do anything for so kind +a master.' + +'There is lately come to Berlin,' said the Captain, 'a gentleman in +the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de +Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope's order of +the Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have +some reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your +country of Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in +Ireland?' + +'Balibari? Balyb--?' A sudden thought flashed across me. 'No, sir,' +said I, 'I never heard the name.' + +'You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of +English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your +accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will +be turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a +faithful fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served +in the Seven Years' War. You left the army on account of weakness of +the loins. You served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now +with the army in Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by +him. You afterwards lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a +character, if need be; and the landlord of the "Star" will, of +course, certify that you are an honest fellow: but his certificate +goes for nothing. As for the rest of your story, you can fashion +that as you will, and make it as romantic or as ludicrous as your +fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the Chevalier's confidence by +provoking his compassion. He gambles a great deal, and WINS. Do you +know the cards well?' + +'Only a very little, as soldiers do.' + +'I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier +cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian +envoys continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup +repeatedly at his house. Find out what they talk of; for how much +each plays, especially if any of them play on parole: if you can +read his private letters, of course you will; though about those +which go to the post, you need not trouble yourself; we look at them +there. But never see him write a note without finding out to whom it +goes, and by what channel or messenger. He sleeps with the keys of +his despatch-box on a string round his neck. Twenty Frederics, if +you get an impression of the keys. You will, of course, go in plain +clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your hair, and tie it +with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course shave off. + +With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left +me. When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my +appearance. I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as +jet, and curled elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed +the odious grease and flour, which I always abominated, out of my +hair; had mounted a demure French grey coat, black satin breeches, +and a maroon plush waistcoat, and a hat without a cockade. I looked +as meek and humble as any servant out of place could possibly +appear; and I think not my own regiment, which was now at the review +at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus accoutred, I went to the 'Star +Hotel,' where this stranger was,--my heart beating with anxiety, and +something telling me that this Chevalier de Balibari was no other +than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father's eldest brother, who had given +up his estate in consequence of his obstinate adherence to the +Romish superstition. Before I went in to present myself, I went to +look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry arms? Yes, +there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of the +field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield +about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded, +surmounted with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids, +cornucopias, and flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic +fashion of those days. It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went +up the stairs. I was going to present myself before my uncle in the +character of a servant! + +'You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?' + +I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my +captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had +leisure to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, +dressed superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, +a white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across +his breast went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the +star of the order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had +rings on all his fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich +diamond solitaire in the black riband round his neck, and fastened +to the bag of his wig; his ruffles and frills were decorated with a +profusion of the richest lace. He had pink silk stockings rolled +over the knee, and tied with gold garters; and enormous diamond +buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword mounted in gold, in a white +fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, and lined with white +feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, completed the +costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was about my size, +that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features singularly +like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was closed with +a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red paint, by no +means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of moustaches, +which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards found had +rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, the +upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore +a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + +It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his +appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to +keep disguise with him; and when he said, 'Ah, you are a Hungarian, +I see!' I could hold no longer. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of +Ballybarry.' As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can't tell why; but I +had seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed +for some one. + +CHAPTER VIII + +BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + +You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is +to hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that +will not understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have +confessed took place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute +thought to question the truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried +he, 'it's my brother Harry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as +much affected as I was at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; +for he, too, was an exile from home, and a friendly voice, a look, +brought the old country back to his memory again, and the old days +of his boyhood. 'I'd give five years of my life to see them again,' +said he, after caressing me very warmly. 'What?' asked I. 'Why,' +replied he, 'the green fields, and the river, and the old round +tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas a shame for your +father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long with the +name.' + +He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history +at some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, +saying, that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he +would stop me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him +(by which I ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my +uncle had a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar +way), and uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred +exclamations of pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy +Saints!' and 'Mother of Heaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by +which, and with justice, I concluded that he was still devotedly +attached to the ancient faith of our family. + +It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last +part of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch +upon his actions, of which I was to give information in a certain +quarter. When I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this +fact, he burst out laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The +rascals!' said he; 'they think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, +my chief conspiracy is a faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that +he will see a spy in every person who comes to his miserable capital +in the great sandy desert here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris +and Vienna!' + +I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but +Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military +service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the +knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that +my uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a +dozen, nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me +to freedom. + +But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history +of himself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,' +said he, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and +Heaven forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by +turning heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. +Well, let bygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run +through the little property as he did in my place, and I should have +had to begin a year or two later the life I have been leading ever +since I was compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every +service; and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in +Europe. I made a campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian +Trenck. I was captain in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made +the campaign of Scotland with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my +dear, caring more for his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for +the crowns of the three kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in +Piedmont; but I have been a rolling stone, my good fellow. Play-- +play has been my ruin; that and beauty' (here he gave a leer which +made him, I must confess, look anything but handsome; besides, his +rouged cheeks were all beslobbered with the tears which he had shed +on receiving me). 'The women have made a fool of me, my dear +Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this minute, at sixty- +two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy O'Dwyer made a +fool of me at sixteen.' + +''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' and +described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my +cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + +'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and +then I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property, +look you, Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little +about me. When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds +go to the pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith +will pay me a visit this very day; for the chances have been against +me all the week past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. +Do you understand the cards?' + +I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + +'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put +you up to a thing or two worth knowing.' + +Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring +knowledge, and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's +instruction. + +The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. +All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the +fine gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of +mission from the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a +certain quantity of alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, +were from the King's treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de +Balibari was play. There was a young attache of the English embassy, +my Lord Deuceace, afterwards Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the +English peerage, who was playing high; and it was after hearing of +the passion of this young English nobleman that my uncle, then at +Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage him. For there is a +sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: the fame of +great players is known all over Europe. I have known the Chevalier +de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from Paris +to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my +Lord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European +orators and statesmen. + +It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the +presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I +should keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the +champagne and punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight +and a great natural aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear +uncle much assistance against his opponents at the green table. Some +prudish persons may affect indignation at the frankness of these +confessions, but Heaven pity them! Do you suppose that any man who +has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds at play will not take the +advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are all the same. But it +is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar +expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to go +wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of +gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar +person at his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but +never--never to have anything to do with him. Play grandly, +honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above all, +be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all +one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have +seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, +blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. +I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play against another and +HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: and when one +considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the +outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one +meets with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play- +table, as everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the +profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man +who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing now with the +experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I was a +lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too +much, my uncle's superior age and station in life. + +There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made +between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I +take it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But +simplicity was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for +instance, I wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to +show that the enemy was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had +ace, king; if I said, 'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if +'Wine or punch?' clubs. If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that +there was another confederate employed by the adversary; and THEN, I +warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take place. My Lord +Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and cleverness +with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank +Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had +the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were. + +My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de +Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at +the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These +reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle +beforehand. I was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to +tell as much truth as my story would possibly bear. When, for +instance, he would ask me, 'What does the Chevalier do of a +morning?' + +'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after +hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his +chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes +his letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little +to do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom +he corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written +in English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes +for money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the +Treasury, in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come +from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes +his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian +attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and +Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, and a few more. The same set meet +every night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come +are chiefly French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins +often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The +Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes comes, on which +occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at +the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days of reception. +Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has won lately; +but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four hundred +ducats.' + +'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own +language?' + +'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the +new danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new +danseuse.' + +It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and +accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was +carried to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher +of Sans Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital +but his actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the +Great. + +As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different +embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he +encouraged play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in +difficulties can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of +Frederics would often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got +some papers from the French house in this way: and I have no doubt +that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied him with information at a +similar rate, had his chief not known the young nobleman's character +pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the work of the +mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young brilliant +bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or shook +their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen +many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their +principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what +fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies +of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the +profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men would +have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little pink- +faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and +able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot? + +When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that +there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the +sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was +not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or +twice cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I +told him that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his +comrades would not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the +intrigue even without my information. + +'Tell him,' said my uncle. + +'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?' + +'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not +be left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, +make your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The +dear souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the +country; and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!' + +'But how, sir?' said I. + +'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you +yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch- +box yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; +put your hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these +moustaches, and now look in the glass!' + +'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and +began walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + +The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de +Potzdorff, I told him of the young Prussian officers that had been +of late gambling; and he replied, as I expected, that the King had +determined to send the Chevalier out of the country. + +'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three +Frederics from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your +promise to advance me!' + +'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked +up,' said the Captain, sneering. + +'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When +is he to go, sir?' + +'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and +before dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of +gendarmes will mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders +to move on.' + +'And his baggage, sir?' said I. + +'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that +red box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after +parade, shall be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one +there regarding the affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's +rooms until my arrival. We must force that box. You are a clumsy +hound, or you would have got the key long ago!' + +I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. +The next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; +and I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of +the honours of a separate chapter. + +CHAPTER IX + +I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + +Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to +win a handsome sum with his faro-bank. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de +Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the +Chevalier, who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came +down the stairs in his usual stately manner. + +'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not +finding his servant to open the door. + +'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who +was standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier +entered, than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the +box by the coachman, and the latter began to drive. + +'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?' + +'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme, +touching his hat. + +'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the +Austrian Ambassador's house!' + +'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the +gendarme. + +'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury. + +'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into +silence. + +The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which +place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards +there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de +Donnersmark. As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised +his hat and said, 'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon +voyage.' The Chevalier de Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a +profound bow. + +They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon +began to roar. + +'It is a deserter,' said the officer. + +'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his +carriage again. + +Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the +road with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the +truant. The gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for +him too. The price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who +brought him in. + +'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the +carriage with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can +get nothing, and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may +bring you in fifty crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? +You may land me at the frontier and get back to your hunt all the +sooner.' The officer told the postillion to get on; but the way +seemed intolerably long to the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought +he heard the noise of horse galloping behind: his own horses did not +seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID go. The black and white +barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and opposite them the +green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house officers came +out. + +'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier. + +'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers, +grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + +The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + +'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go +to the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there +to send on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?' + +Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for +that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier. + +'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, +Gentilhomme Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + +'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than +Mr. Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin +will be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as +yet; they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all +are in admiration of your cleverness and valour. + +'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in +no small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a +fancy to send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been +guilty. But in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a +statement of the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the +full and true story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you +turned out to be my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped +yourself into the service, and how we both had determined to effect +your escape. The laugh would have been so much against the King, +that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. What would +Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But it +was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay +in my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your +ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, in his imperious High- +Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue is gone out," said +he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep my love- +letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky dice +with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of +Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of. + +'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the +little English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a +chisel and hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, +actually bursting open my little box! + +'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense +water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the +box, and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as +smashes the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort +lifeless to the ground. I thought I had killed him. + +'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and +scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the +whole household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?" +roar I. "Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I +find in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send +for his Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of +this insult!" + +'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours +ago!" + +'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am +ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning! +Where is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and +wig?" for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and +stockings, with my nightcap on. + +'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off +in your honour's dress." + +'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty- +eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. +Officers, seize him!" + +'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and +more astonished. + +'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel-- +impossible!" + +'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a +swelling on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried +him off, and the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of +the matter, and I demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to +my ambassador. + +'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a +general, and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set +upon me to bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was +true you had told me that you had been kidnapped into the service, +that I thought you were released from it, and that I had you with +the best recommendations. I appealed to my Minister, who was bound +to come to my aid; and, to make a long story short, poor Potzdorff +is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the elder Potzdorff, +has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request that I +would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter. + +'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive +this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my +son. Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + +'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.' + +And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and +I kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of +any recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + +With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued +presently, we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle +speedily joined me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of +illness, I had kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier +de Balibari was in particular good odour at the Court of Dresden +(having been an intimate acquaintance of the late monarch, the +Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and agreeable of +European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of the +Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and +the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made +me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to +which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the +honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by +the Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming +description of my prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot +her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls, +in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was very +difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the +good lady. + +I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so +genteel in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position +which I now occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the +men in a fury; hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing +minuets with high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call +themselves in Germany), with lovely excellencies, nay, with +highnesses and transparencies themselves: who could compete with the +gallant young Irish noble? who would suppose that seven weeks before +I had been a common--bah! I am ashamed to think of it! One of the +pleasantest moments of my life was at a grand gala at the Electoral +Palace, where I had the honour of walking a polonaise with no other +than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's own sister: old +Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose belts I +had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and +sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + +Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my +uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than +ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with +an Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this +crown in lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring +worn on my forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to +say the jewel had been in my family for several thousand years, +having originally belonged to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty +King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the legends of the Heralds' +College are not more authentic than mine was. + +At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to +be rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our +pretensions to rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but +he was likewise a grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count +Lobkowitz's masquerade. My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, +knew the pedigree of every considerable family in Europe. He said it +was the only knowledge befitting a gentleman; and when we were not +at cards, we would pass hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the +genealogies, learning the blazons, and making ourselves acquainted +with the relationships of our class. Alas! the noble science is +going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which studies and +pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist. + +My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the +score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English +embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, +who declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the +tears of joy of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I +promise you that none of the young gentlemen questioned the +authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my Irish crown again. + +What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a +gentleman, from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as +business it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I +assure any low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we, +their betters, have to work as well as they: though I did not rise +until noon, yet had I not been up at play until long past midnight? +Many a time have we come home to bed as the troops were marching out +to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good to hear the bugles +blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the regiments +marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound to +that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station. + +I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all +my life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to +dress my hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by +intuition almost, and could distinguish between the right Spanish +and the French before I had been a week in my new position; I had +rings on all my fingers, watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets, +and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each outvying the other in +elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace and china of any +man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew dealer in +Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I +could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had +at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with +gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined +with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with +chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the +guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was +there a more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari? + +All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be +purchased without credit and money: to procure which, as our +patrimony had been wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the +vulgarity and slow returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle +kept a faro-bank. We were in partnership with a Florentine, well +known in all the Courts of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as +skilful a player as ever was seen; but he turned out a sad knave +latterly, and I have discovered that his countship was a mere +imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all +impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword, +and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm, +so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have +hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with +anybody: any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never +pressed for our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in +lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did not pay when the note +became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his +bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: on the +contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and our +character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar +national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of +men of honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the +good old days in Europe, before the cowardice of the French +aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, which served them right) +brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They cry fie now upon men +engaged in play; but I should like to know how much more honourable +THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of the Exchange +who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with lying +loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The +merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales +of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead +of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the +profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for +any bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie +down right because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an +honourable man, a swindling quack, who does not believe in the +nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your guinea for whispering +in your ear that it is a fine morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant +man who sits him down before the baize and challenges all comers, +his money against theirs, his fortune against theirs, is proscribed +by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy of the middle classes +against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant which is to go +down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of chivalry: it +has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of birth. When +Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without leaving the +table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had the best +blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round the +table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against +some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his +millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we +engaged that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis +in a single coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next +day; when HE lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in +pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought +fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of florins, and challenged +our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,' +said we, 'we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or two +hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness's bags do not +contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.' And we did, +and after eleven hours' play, in which our bank was at one time +reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand +florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? does THIS +profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? Four +crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when +I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No +man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond +Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to +say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we +won. + +At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, +always put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern- +keepers made us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give +away the broken meat from our suppers and dinners to scores of +beggars who blessed us. Every man who held my horse or cleaned my +boots got a ducat for his pains. I was, I may say, the author of our +common good fortune, by putting boldness into our play. Pippi was a +faint-hearted fellow, who was always cowardly when he began to win. +My uncle (I speak with great respect of him) was too much of a +devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever to win GREATLY. His +moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was not sufficient. +Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be their +chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described. + +I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was +affected by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the +protection with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was +passionately fond of play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all +the Courts in Europe in those days, and hence would often arise no +small trouble to us; for the truth must be told, that ladies love to +play, certainly, but not to PAY. The point of honour is not +understood by the charming sex; and it was with the greatest +difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various Courts of Northern +Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could get their +money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using the +most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days +of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen +thousand louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal +house gave us paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly +pledged to us; another organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and +would have charged the theft upon us, but for Pippi's caution, who +had kept back a note of hand 'her High Transparency' gave us, and +sent it to his ambassador; by which precaution I do believe our +necks were saved. A third lady of high (but not princely) rank, +after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and pearls from her, +sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; and it was +only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that I escaped +from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief aggressor +dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, and +the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They +might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence. + +Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one +of extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage +for success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we +were suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a +reigning prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some +quarrel with the police minister. If the latter personage were not +bribed or won over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a +sudden order of departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering +and desultory life. + +Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet +the expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too +splendid for the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at +my extravagance, though obliged to own that his own meanness and +parsimony would never have achieved the great victories which my +generosity had won. With all our success, our capital was not very +great. That speech to the Duke of Courland, for instance, was a mere +boast as far as the two hundred thousand florins at three months +were concerned. We had no credit, and no money beyond that on our +table, and should have been forced to fly if his Highness had won +and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were hit very hard. A +bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day will come; +and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought to +meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of +the two. + +One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden's +territory, at Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for +business, offered to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and +where the officers of the Duke's cuirassiers supped; and some small +play accordingly took place, and some wretched crowns and louis +changed hands: I trust, rather to the advantage of these poor +gentlemen of the army, who are surely the poorest of all devils +under the sun. + +But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the +neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for +their quarter's revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between +them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before, +began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it, +too, they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the +best calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most +perfectly insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed +turned up in their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in +ten minutes; and, seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck +against us, I was for shutting up the bank for the night, saying the +play was only meant for a joke, and that now we had had enough. + +But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to +proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; +then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in +this ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across +a deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of +hungry subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the +most skilful and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred +louis! I blush now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or +Richard Coeur de Lion falling before a petty fortress and an unknown +hand (as my friend Mr. Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most +shameful defeat. + +Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, +bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way +(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he +who afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of +the morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us. +Among other things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and +was for flinging him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool, +and had been keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed +between us, and a reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and +confessing he had been wrong. + +I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous +Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in +his life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and +go to bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, +after our loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon +L8000 sterling. Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be +ratified over a bowl of hot wine, and I have no doubt put some +soporific drug into the liquor; for my uncle and I both slept till +very late the next morning, and woke with violent headaches and +fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He had been gone twelve +hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him a sort of +calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his share +of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without +his consent. + +Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But +was I cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum +of money; for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those +days, and a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and +a set of ornaments that would be a shop-boy's fortune; so, without +repining for one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my +uncle's temper in this respect was admirable), or allowing the +secret of our loss to be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three- +fourths of our jewels and clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with +the produce of the sale, and our private pocket-money, amounting in +all to something less than 800 louis, we took the field again. + +CHAPTER X + +MORE RUNS OF LUCK + +I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my +professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with +anecdotes of my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with +tales of this kind were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital +would not be brought to a conclusion for years, and who knows how +soon I may be called upon to stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel, +and a disordered liver. I have two or three wounds in my body, which +break out every now and then, and give me intolerable pain, and a +hundred more signs of breaking up. Such are the effects of time, +illness, and free-living, upon one of the strongest constitutions +and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I suffered from none of +these ills in the year '66, when there was no man in Europe more gay +in spirits, more splendid in personal accomplishments, than young +Redmond Barry. + +Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of +the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play +was patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. +Among the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were +particularly well received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than +those of the Electors of Treves and Cologne, where there was more +splendour and gaiety than at Vienna; far more than in the wretched +barrack-court of Berlin. The Court of the Archduchess-Governess of +the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal place for us knights of the +dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; whereas in the stingy +Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was impossible for a +gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + +After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of +X---. The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not +choose to print at full the names of some illustrious persons in +whose society I then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a +very strange and tragical adventure. + +There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome +than at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more +eagerly sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did +not inhabit his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the +ceremonial of the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent +palace at a few leagues from his chief city, and round about his +palace a superb aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, +and the officers of his sumptuous Court. The people were rather +hardly pressed, to be sure, in order to keep up this splendour; for +his Highness's dominions were small, and so he wisely lived in a +sort of awful retirement from them, seldom showing his face in his +capital, or seeing any countenances but those of his faithful +domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of Ludwigslust were +exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were Court +receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the +finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; on +which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended +prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I +never saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure +there on the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological +ballets which were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red- +heeled pumps and a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They +say the costume was incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my +part, I have never seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who +was the chief dancer, and found no fault with the attendant nymphs, +in their trains, and lappets, and powder. These operas used to take +place twice a week, after which some great officer of the Court +would have his evening, and his brilliant supper, and the dice-box +rattled everywhere, and all the world played. I have seen seventy +play-tables set out in the grand gallery of Ludwigslust, besides the +faro-bank; where the Duke himself would graciously come and play, +and win or lose with a truly royal splendour. + +It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of +the Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and +the two Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at +Court we lost 740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court +Marshal's table, I won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we +allowed no one to know how near we were to ruin on the first +evening; but, on the contrary, I endeared every one to me by my gay +manner of losing, and the Finance Minister himself cashed a note for +400 ducats, drawn by me upon my steward of Ballybarry Castle in the +kingdom of Ireland; which very note I won from his Excellency the +next day, along with a considerable sum in ready cash. In that noble +Court everybody was a gambler. You would see the lacqueys in the +ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of cards; the coach +and chair men playing in the court, while their masters were punting +in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I was told, +had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made a +handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and +his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the +illustrious foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played +away their pay when they got it, which was seldom; and I don't +believe there was an officer in any one of the guard regiments but +had his cards in his pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his +sword-knot. Among such fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you +call fair play would have been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry +would have been fools indeed to appear as pigeons in such a hawk's +nest. None but men of courage and genius could live and prosper in a +society where every one was bold and clever; and here my uncle and I +held our own: ay, and more than our own. + +His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of +the reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a +lady whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such +was the morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. +He had been married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, +may be said to have been the political sovereign of the State: for +the reigning Duke was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved +to talk a great deal more with his grand huntsman, or the director +of his opera, than with ministers and ambassadors. + +The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a +very different character from his august father. He had made the +Wars of the Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the +Empress's service, was of a stern character, seldom appeared at +Court, except when ceremony called him, but lived almost alone in +his wing of the palace, where he devoted himself to the severest +studies, being a great astronomer and chemist. He shared in the rage +then common throughout Europe, of hunting for the philosopher's +stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no smattering of +chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), St. +Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums +from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. +His amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, +and if his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would +have been playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the +prudent prince was left to govern. + +Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess +Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven +years, and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne +him a son and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and +ungainly appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please +the brilliant and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in +the south (she was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had +passed two years at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the +daughters of His Most Christian Majesty, and who was the life and +soul of the Court of X---, the gayest of the gay, the idol of her +august father-in-law, and, indeed, of the whole Court. She was not +beautiful, but charming; not witty, but charming, too, in her +conversation as in her person. She was extravagant beyond all +measure; so false, that you could not trust her; but her very +weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other women, her +selfishness more delightful than others' generosity. I never knew a +woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin people, +and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating at +ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her +caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were +ceaseless: but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning +family whom the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they +followed her carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be +generous to them, she would borrow the last penny from one of her +poor maids of honour, whom she would never pay. In the early days +her husband was as much fascinated by her as all the rest of the +world was; but her caprices had caused frightful outbreaks of temper +on his part, and an estrangement which, though interrupted by almost +mad returns of love, was still general. I speak of her Royal +Highness with perfect candour and admiration, although I might be +pardoned for judging her more severely, considering her opinion of +myself. She said the elder Monsieur de Balibari was a finished old +gentleman, and the younger one had the manners of a courier. The +world has given a different opinion, and I can afford to chronicle +this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she had a reason +for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + +Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now +dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I +commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen +(it is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to +consolidate my fortunes by marriage. In the course of our +peregrinations, my uncle and I had made several attempts to carry +this object into effect; but numerous disappointments had occurred +which are not worth mentioning here, and had prevented me hitherto +from making such a match as I thought was worthy of a man of my +birth, abilities, and personal appearance. Ladies are not in the +habit of running away on the Continent, as is the custom in England +(a custom whereby many honourable gentlemen of my country have much +benefited!); guardians, and ceremonies, and difficulties of all +kinds intervene; true love is not allowed to have its course, and +poor women cannot give away their honest hearts to the gallant +fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements that were asked +for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were not +satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry +estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or +Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady +who was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into +my arms; on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries +was about to make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an +order of the police which drives me out of Brussels at an hour's +notice, and consigns my mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an +opportunity of playing a great game: and had won it too, but for the +dreadful catastrophe which upset my fortune. + +In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady +nineteen years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the +whole duchy. The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a +late Minister and favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his +Duchess, who had done her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, +and who, at the father's death, had taken her under their august +guardianship and protection. At sixteen she was brought from her +castle, where, up to that period, she had been permitted to reside, +and had been placed with the Princess Olivia, as one of her +Highness's maids of honour. + +The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her +minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for +her cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke's +foot regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off +this rich prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot +indeed, with the advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no +rival near him, and the intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, +might easily, by a private marriage, have secured the young Countess +and her possessions. But he managed matters so foolishly, that he +allowed her to leave her retirement, to come to Court for a year, +and take her place in the Princess Olivia's household; and then what +does my young gentleman do, but appear at the Duke's levee one day, +in his tarnished epaulet and threadbare coat, and make an +application in due form to his Highness, as the young lady's +guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his dominions! + +The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the +Countess Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly +cousin, his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had +not the Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure +from the Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The +cause of this refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the +young lady's hand was mentioned, and the lovers continued to +correspond, hoping that time might effect a change in his Highness's +resolutions; when, of a sudden, the lieutenant was drafted into one +of the regiments which the Prince was in the habit of selling to the +great powers then at war (this military commerce was a principal +part of his Highness's and other princes' revenues in those days), +and their connection was thus abruptly broken off. + +It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part +against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with +those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, +she had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless +lover, but now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the +Countess, as she previously had done, pursued her with every manner +of hatred which a woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to +the ingenuity of her tortures, the venom of her tongue, the +bitterness of her sarcasm and scorn. When I first came to Court at +X--, the young fellows there had nicknamed the young lady the Dumme +Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She was generally silent, handsome, +but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; taking no interest in the +amusements of the place, and appearing in the midst of the feasts as +glum as the death's-head which, they say, the Romans used to have at +their tables. + +It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the +Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at +Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, +was the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official +declaration of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a +dark intrigue: which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation. + +This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer +in the Duke's service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron's father had +quitted France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation +of the edict of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The +son succeeded him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth +whom I have known, was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the +performance of his duty, retiring in his manners, mingling little +with the Court, and a close friend and favourite of Duke Victor; +whom he resembled in disposition. + +The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in +France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke's +service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant +Court in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the +pleasures of the petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux +Cerfs, and of the wild gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He +had been almost ruined at play, as his father had been before him; +for, out of the reach of the stern old Baron in Germany, both son +and grandson had led the most reckless of lives. He came back from +Paris soon after the embassy which had been despatched thither on +the occasion of the marriage of the Princess, was received sternly +by his old grandfather; who, however, paid his debts once more, and +procured him the post in the Duke's household. The Chevalier de +Magny rendered himself a great favourite of his august master; he +brought with him the modes and the gaieties of Paris; he was the +deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the recruiter of the +ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and splendid young +gentleman of the Court. + +After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny +endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was +not strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the +Chevalier de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness +when the question was debated before him. The Chevalier's love of +play had not deserted him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank, +where he played for some time with pretty good luck; and where, when +he began to lose, he paid with a regularity surprising to all those +who knew the smallness of his means, and the splendour of his +appearance. + +Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On +half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her +passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle +could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de +Magny and this illustrious lady. 'If her Highness be not in love +with the little Frenchman,' my uncle said to me one night after +play, 'may I lose the sight of my last eye!' + +'And what then, sir?' said I. + +'What then?' said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. 'Are you so +green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you +choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two +years, my boy.' + +'How is that?' asked I, still at a loss. + +My uncle drily said, 'Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take +his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make +him play.' + +'He can't pay a shilling,' answered I. 'The Jews will not discount +his notes at cent. per cent.' + +'So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,' +answered the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid +was a gallant, clever, and fair one. + +I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We +had an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as +myself, and we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one +another; if he saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from +handling it; but he took to it as natural as a child does to +sweetmeats. + +At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him +money against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, +and indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to +dispose of them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to +this effect. From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes; +and as they would not allow him to play at the Court tables and in +public upon credit, he was very glad to have an opportunity of +indulging his favourite passion in private. I have had him for hours +at my pavilion (which I had fitted up in the Eastern manner, very +splendid) rattling the dice till it became time to go to his service +at Court, and we would spend day after day in this manner. He +brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, an antique emerald breast +ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off against these losses: for +I need not say that I should not have played with him all this time +had he been winning; but, after about a week, the luck set in +against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I do not +care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought the +young man could pay. + +Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a +mere bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to +be done elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from +Monsieur de Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the +Countess Ida. Who can say that I had not a right to use ANY +stratagem in this matter of love? Or, why say love? I wanted the +wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as much as Magny did; I loved +her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin of seventeen does who +marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the practice of the world +in this; having resolved that marriage should achieve my fortune. + +I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of +acknowledgment to some such effect as this,-- + +'MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you +this day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I +was master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three +hundred ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part +if you will allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when +you shall receive payment from your very grateful humble servant.' + +With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this +was my uncle's idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, +and a letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part +payment of a sum of money he owed me. + +When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my +intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one +man of the world should speak to another. 'I will not, my dear +fellow,' said I, 'pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you +expect we are to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that +there is any satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of +paper bearing your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I +know you never can pay. Don't look fierce or angry, for you know +Redmond Barry is your master at the sword; besides, I would not be +such a fool as to fight a man who owes me so much money; but hear +calmly what I have to propose. + +'You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the +last month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You +have given your word of honour to your grandfather never to play +upon parole, and you know how you have kept it, and that he will +disinherit you if he hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to- +morrow, his estate is not sufficient to pay the sum in which you are +indebted to me; and, were you to yield me up all, you would be a +beggar, and a bankrupt too. + +'Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not +ask why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we +began to play together.' + +'Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the +order?' gasped the poor fellow. 'The Princess can do anything with +the Duke.' + +'I shall have no objection,' said I, 'to the yellow riband and the +gold key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little +for the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. +My good Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me +with what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent +to the project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don't +love. I know whom you love very well.' + +'Monsieur de Balibari!' said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get +out no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + +'You begin to understand,' continued I. 'Her Highness the Princess' +(I said this in a sarcastic way) 'will not be very angry, believe +me, if you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am +no more an admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. +I played you for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you +your bills and five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.' + +'The day _I_ am married to the Countess,' answered the Chevalier, +thinking to have me, 'I will be able to raise money to pay your +claim ten times over' (this was true, for the Countess's property +may have been valued at near half a million of our money); 'and then +I will discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me +by threats, or insult me again as you have done, I will use that +influence, which, as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of +the duchy, as you were out of the Netherlands last year.' + +I rang the bell quite quietly. 'Zamor,' said I to a tall negro +fellow habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, 'when you +hear the bell ring a second time, you will take this packet to the +Marshal of the Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny, +and this you will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his +Highness the Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go +with the parcels until I ring again.' + +The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and +said, 'Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, +declaring your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums +you owe me; it is accompanied by a document from myself (for I +expected some resistance on your part), stating that my honour has +been called in question, and begging that the paper may be laid +before your august master his Highness. The second packet is for +your grandfather, enclosing the letter from you in which you state +yourself to be his heir, and begging for a confirmation of the fact. +The last parcel, for his Highness the Hereditary Duke,' added I, +looking most sternly, 'contains the Gustavus Adolphus emerald, which +he gave to his princess, and which you pledged to me as a family +jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness must be great +indeed,' I concluded, 'when you could extort from her such a jewel +as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your play- +debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.' + +'Villain!' said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, +'would you implicate the Princess?' + +'Monsieur de Magny,' I answered, with a sneer, 'no: I will say YOU +STOLE the jewel.' It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and +infatuated Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it +had been committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald +is simple enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny +caused our bank to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny's +trinkets to Mannheim to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the +history of the stone in question; and when he asked how her Highness +came to part with it, my uncle very cleverly took up the story where +he found it, said that the Princess was very fond of play, that it +was not always convenient to her to pay, and hence the emerald had +come into our hands. He brought it wisely back with him to S--; and, +as regards the other jewels which the Chevalier pawned to us, they +were of no particular mark: no inquiries have ever been made about +them to this day; and I did not only not know then that they came +from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon the matter now. + +The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, +when I charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols +that were lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world +his accuser and his own ruined self. With such imprudence and +miserable recklessness on his part and that of the unhappy lady who +had forgotten herself for this poor villain, he must have known that +discovery was inevitable. But it was written that this dreadful +destiny should be accomplished: instead of ending like a man, he now +cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, flinging himself down on +the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon all the saints to +help him: as if they could be interested in the fate of such a +wretch as he! + +I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor +my black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to +my escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always +do, generously towards him. I said that, for security's sake, I +should send the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my +honour to restore it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary +consideration, on the day when she should procure the sovereign's +consent to my union with the Countess Ida. + +This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was +playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its +propriety, I say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor +as myself can't afford to be squeamish about their means of getting +on in life. The great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand +staircase of the world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the +wall, or push and struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl +through any of the conduits of the house, never mind how foul and +narrow, that lead to the top. The unambitious sluggard pretends that +the eminence is not worth attaining, declines altogether the +struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a poor- +spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and that is +so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + +The manner to be adopted for Magny's retreat was proposed by myself, +and was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both +parties. I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, +'Madam, though I have never declared myself your admirer, you and +the Court have had sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my +demand would, I know, have been backed by his Highness, your august +guardian. I know the Duke's gracious wish is, that my attentions +should be received favourably; but, as time has not appeared to +alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I have too much spirit to +force a lady of your name and rank to be united to me against your +will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for form's sake, a +proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should reply, as I +am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the negative: on +which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of you, stating +that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke's desire, should +induce me to persist in my suit.' + +The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de +Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand +for the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the +proposal. She little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that +sort of delicacy, and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew +his addresses was of my invention. + +As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but +cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, +so as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting +herself with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess +Olivia was good enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in +my favour, and solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though +Monsieur de Magny had retired from paying his addresses, his +Highness her guardian would still marry her as he thought fit, and +that she must for ever forget her out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I +can't conceive how such a shabby rogue as that could ever have had +the audacity to propose for her: his birth was certainly good; but +what other qualifications had he? + +When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you +may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very +humble servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or +tournament, held at this period, in imitation of the antique +meetings of chivalry, in which the chevaliers tilted at each other, +or at the ring; and on this occasion I was habited in a splendid +Roman dress (viz., a silver helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of +gilt leather richly embroidered, a light blue velvet mantle, and +crimson morocco half-boots): and in this habit I rode my bay horse +Brian, carried off three rings, and won the prize over all the +Duke's gentry, and the nobility of surrounding countries who had +come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to be the prize of +the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he selected. So I +rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated behind the +Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet gracefully, +begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus proclaimed +myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. She +turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess +Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse, +I galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the +opposite end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my +bay. + +My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with +the young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, +impostor, and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing +these gentry. I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and +bravest of the young men who seemed to have a hankering for the +Countess Ida, and publicly insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my +cards into his face. The next day I rode thirty-five miles into the +territory of the Elector of B----, and met Monsieur de +Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through his body; then rode +back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and presented myself at +the Duchess's whist that evening. Magny was very unwilling to +accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and that he +should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage to +her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked +and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew +crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her +circle, until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to +say, everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which +commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was +obliged to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French +say, acting the pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying +me always! he who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he +who thought his pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to +the race of great Irish kings from which I descended; who had +sneered at me a hundred times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had +called me a vulgar Irish upstart. Now I had my revenge of the +gentleman, and took it too. + +I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name +of Maxime. I would say, 'Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?' in the +Princess's hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and +vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I, +poor private of Bulow's regiment. And this is a proof of what genius +and perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people +never to have SECRETS--if they can help it. + +I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew +all: and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, +that she thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a +lady, which I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a +child before its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman's way, too, +make all sorts of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask +about my palace in Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether, +when I was a private in Bulow's foot, my royal relatives had +interposed to rescue me, and whether the cane was smartly +administered there,--anything to mortify me. But, Heaven bless you! +I can make allowances for people, and used to laugh in her face. +Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my pleasure to +look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil was +trembling lest I should break out under the Princess's sarcasm and +tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say +something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And +THAT was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would +wince just as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying +anything rude to herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg +my pardon in private; and though her pride would often get the +better of her, yet her prudence obliged this magnificent princess to +humble herself to the poor penniless Irish boy. + +As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the +Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be +very fond of her. To do them justice, I don't know which of the two +disliked me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, +and coquetry; or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The +latter, especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after +all, I have pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men +in Europe, and would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest +or a leg with me: but I did not care for any of her silly +prejudices, and determined to win her and wear her in spite of +herself. Was it on account of her personal charms or qualities? No. +She was quite white, thin, short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my +taste is quite the contrary; and as for her mind, no wonder that a +poor creature who had a hankering after a wretched ragged ensign +could never appreciate ME. It was her estate I made love to; as for +herself, it would be a reflection on my taste as a man of fashion to +own that I liked her. + +CHAPTER XI + +IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + +My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in +Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far +as my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty +certain of completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at +the Princess's apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I +desired of seeing the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she +received me with any particular favour; the silly young creature's +affections were, as I have said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and, +however captivating my own person and manners may have been, it was +not to be expected that she should all of a sudden forget her lover +for the sake of the young Irish gentleman who was paying his +addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got were far from +discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to aid me in +my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory must be +mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who could +tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my +illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in +her ruin? + +All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in +spite of the Countess Ida's disinclination, it was much easier to +bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly +constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up +with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were +customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man. + +I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at +my feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, +over whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of +the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his +Highness's morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an +order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame +de Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to +oblige the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to +occupy the throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and +exceedingly fond of good living. When he was gone, his relict would +find the patronage of the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her. +Hence there was a close mutual understanding between the two ladies; +and the world said that the Hereditary Princess was already indebted +to the favourite for help on various occasions. Her Highness had +obtained, through the Countess, several large grants of money for +the payment of her multifarious debts; and she was now good enough +to exert her gracious influence over Madame de Liliengarten in order +to obtain for me the object so near my heart. It is not to be +supposed that my end was to be obtained without continual +unwillingness and refusals on Magny's part; but I pushed my point +resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the stubbornness +of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without vanity, +that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess +(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better +taste and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners +with us in one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the +handsomest man in the duchy. All I was required to prove was my +nobility, and I got at Vienna such a pedigree as would satisfy the +most greedy in that way. In fact, what had a man descended from the +Barrys and the Bradys to fear before any VON in Germany? By way of +making assurance doubly sure, I promised Madame de Liliengarten ten +thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and she knew that as a +play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, that had I paid +fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money. + +Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was +a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful +protectors. Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably +inclined to me; for, his favourite charger falling ill of the +staggers, I gave him a ball such as my uncle Brady used to +administer, and cured the horse; after which his Highness was +pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me to his hunting and +shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good sportsman; and +once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my prospects in +life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I had not +adopted a more regular means of advancement. 'Sir,' said I, 'if you +will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is +only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A +private still in King Frederick's grenadiers. I come of a race which +gave princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of +their vast possessions. My uncle's adherence to his ancient faith +drove him from our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in +the military service; but the insolence and ill-treatment which I +received at the hands of the English were not bearable by a high- +born gentleman, and I fled their service. It was only to fall into +another bondage to all appearance still more hopeless; when my good +star sent a preserver to me in my uncle, and my spirit and gallantry +enabled me to take advantage of the means of escape afforded me. +Since then we have lived, I do not disguise it, by play; but who can +say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could find myself in an +honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I would never, +except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, touch a +card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident at +Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I +feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to +have occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall +bring them into play.' + +The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and +impressed him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he +believed me, and would be glad to stand my friend. + +Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite +enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry +off the great prize; and I ought, according to all common +calculations, to have been a Prince of the Empire at this present +writing, but that my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was +not the least to blame,--the unhappy Duchess's attachment to the +weak, silly, cowardly Frenchman. The display of this love was +painful to witness, as its end was frightful to think of. The +Princess made no disguise of it. If Magny spoke a word to a lady of +her household, she would be jealous, and attack with all the fury of +her tongue the unlucky offender. She would send him a half-dozen of +notes in the day: at his arrival to join her circle or the courts +which she held, she would brighten up, so that all might perceive. +It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this been made +aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself of so +high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping so +far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, +that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which +the Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command +never more to be troubled on the subject. 'The Princess is light- +minded,' he said; 'she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her +folly goes not beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her +birth, and my name, and her children, to defend her.' And he would +ride off to his military inspections and be absent for weeks, or +retire to his suite of apartments, and remain closeted there whole +days; only appearing to make a bow at her Highness's LEVEE, or to +give her his hand at the Court galas, where ceremony required that +he should appear. He was a man of vulgar tastes, and I have seen him +in the private garden, with his great ungainly figure, running +races, or playing at ball with his little son and daughter, whom he +would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. The serene children +were brought to their mother every morning at her toilette; but she +received them very indifferently: except on one occasion, when the +young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel of hussars, +being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor +Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with +the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does +of a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the +Princess's rouge came off on the arm of her son's little white +military jacket; on which she slapped the poor child's face, and +sent him sobbing away. Oh, the woes that have been worked by women +in this world! the misery into which men have lightly stepped with +smiling faces; often not even with the excuse of passion, but from +mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men play with these dreadful two- +edged tools, as if no harm could come to them. I, who have seen more +of life than most men, if I had a son, would go on my knees to him +and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than poison. Once intrigue, +and your whole life is endangered: you never know when the evil may +fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the ruin of +innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment of +your folly. + +When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to +be, in spite of ail the claims I had against him, I urged him to +fly. He had rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess's +quarters (the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a +city of noble retainers of the family); but the infatuated young +fool would not budge, although he had not even the excuse of love +for staying. 'How she squints,' he would say of the Princess, 'and +how crooked she is! She thinks no one can perceive her deformity. +She writes me verses out of Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I +believe them to be original. Bah! they are no more her own than her +hair is!' It was in this way that the wretched lad was dancing over +the ruin that was yawning under him. I do believe that his chief +pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that he might write +about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS at Paris, +where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE DAMES. + +Seeing the young man's recklessness, and the danger of his position, +I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a +satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + +My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of +the connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in +fact, the poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often +laughingly to say to him, very little to his liking. But I used more +than threats, or the legitimate influence I had over him. I used +delicacy and generosity; as a proof of which, I may mention that I +promised to give back to the Princess the family emerald, which I +mentioned in the last chapter that I had won from her unprincipled +admirer at play. + +This was done by my uncle's consent, and was one of the usual acts +of prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. "Press +the matter now, Redmond my boy," he would urge. "This affair between +her Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; +and where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your +time! win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will +give up the punting business, and go live like noblemen at our +castle in Swabia. Get rid of that emerald, too," he added: "should +an accident happen, it will be an ugly deposit found in our hand." +This it was that made me agree to forego the possession of the +trinket; which, I must confess, I was loth to part with. It was +lucky for us both that I did: as you shall presently hear. + +Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the +Countess of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim +with his Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was +instructed to induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar +application to the old sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two +ladies urged the Prince; his Highness (at a supper of oysters and +champagne) was brought to consent, and her Highness the Hereditary +Princess did me the honour of notifying personally to the Countess +Ida that it was the Prince's will that she should marry the young +Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de Balibari. The notification +was made in my presence; and though the young Countess said 'Never!' +and fell down in a swoon at her lady's feet, I was, you may be sure, +entirely unconcerned at this little display of mawkish sensibility, +and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure. + +That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he +promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in +my way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, +and the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to +allow the richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, +though not a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break +the matter to Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some +moment of good-humour. He had days of infatuation still, when he +could refuse his wife nothing; and our plan was to wait for one of +these, or for any other chance which might occur. + +But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband +at her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible +ending to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn +promises to me, Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess +Olivia. + +He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had +been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had +given us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young +man took a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. +Moses Lowe recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the +latter demanded, which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never, +you may be sure, acquainting us with the means by which he had made +himself master of so much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that +he had been supplied by his usual banker, the Princess: and many +rouleaux of his gold pieces found their way into our treasury, when +at the Court galas, at our own lodgings, or at the apartments of +Madame de Liliengarten (who on these occasions did us the honour to +go halves with us) we held our bank of faro. + +Thus Magny's money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his +jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, +that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his +unhappy creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his +authority. His Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers, +horse-dealers, about the Court there, must have told their +Heidelberg brother what Magny's relations with the Princess were; +and the rascal determined to take advantage of these, and to press +to the utmost both victims. My uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming +upon the high tide of fortune, prospering with our cards, and with +the still greater matrimonial game which we were playing; and we +were quite unaware of the mine under our feet. + +Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He +presented himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money; +otherwise he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the +Princess again befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the +first demand only rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not +how much money was extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but +it was the cause of the ruin of us all. + +One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of +Liliengarten's, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out +rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In +the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read, +and turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and +looking up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more +turns of the cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he +got up with a wild oath that scared some of the polite company +assembled, and left the room. A great trampling of horses was heard +without; but we were too much engaged with our business to heed +the noise, and continued our play. + +Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, +'Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. +Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.' All the party +broke up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for +the night. Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle +dealt and I paid and took the money), and, looking under the chair, +there was a crumpled paper, which I took up and read. It was that +which had been delivered to him, and ran thus:- + +'If you have done it, take the orderly's horse who brings this. It +is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in each holster, +and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to you if you +know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our fate-- +whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are +guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + + 'M.' + +This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my +uncle and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided +with the Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, +felt our triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. 'Has +Magny,' we asked, 'robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been +discovered?' In either case, my claims on the Countess Ida were +likely to meet with serious drawbacks: and I began to feel that my +'great card' was played and perhaps lost. + +Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and +gallantly played. After supper (which we never for fear of +consequences took during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to +what was occurring that I determined to sally out about midnight +into the town, and inquire what was the real motive of Magny's +apprehension. A sentry was at the door, and signified to me that I +and my uncle were under arrest. + +We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that +escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we +had nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we +desired and courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened +during those six weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as +all Europe did, when we were released from our captivity, we were +yet far from understanding all the particulars, which were not much +known to me for many years after. Here they are, as they were told +me by the lady, who of all the world perhaps was most likely to know +them. But the narrative had best form the contents of another +chapter. + +CHAPTER XII + +TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X---- + +More than twenty years after the events described in the past +chapters, I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at +Ranelagh. It was in the year 1790; the emigration from France had +already commenced, the old counts and marquises were thronging to +our shores: not starving and miserable, as one saw them a few years +afterwards, but unmolested as yet, and bringing with them some token +of their national splendour. I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who, +proverbially jealous and always anxious to annoy me, spied out a +foreign lady who was evidently remarking me, and of course asked who +was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who was leering at me so? I knew her +not in the least. I felt I had seen the lady's face somewhere (it +was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and bloated); but I did not +recognise in the bearer of that face one who had been among the most +beautiful women in Germany in her day. + +It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as +some said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke +Victor's father. She had left X----a few months after the elder +Duke's demise, had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some +unprincipled adventurer had married her for her money; but, however, +had always retained her quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the +great laughter of the Parisians who frequented her house, to the +honours and ceremonial of a sovereign's widow. She had a throne +erected in her state-room, and was styled by her servants and those +who wished to pay court to her, or borrow money from her, 'Altesse.' +Report said she drank rather copiously--certainly her face bore +every mark of that habit, and had lost the rosy, frank, good- +humoured beauty which had charmed the sovereign who had ennobled +her. + +Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at +this period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no +difficulty in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note +was next morning despatched to me. 'An old friend of Monsieur de +Balibari,' it stated (in extremely bad French), 'is anxious to see +the Chevalier again and to talk over old happy times. Rosina de +Liliengarten (can it be that Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?) +will be at her house in Leicester Fields all the morning, looking +for one who would never have passed her by TWENTY YEARS ago.' + +Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I +have seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester +Fields (the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, +which had somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after +salutations, which would be more tedious to recount than they were +to perform, and after further straggling conversation, she gave me +briefly the following narrative of the events in X----, which I may +well entitle the 'Princess's Tragedy.' + +'You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of +Dutch extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. +Although everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was +mortally angry if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his +fathers' errors by outrageous professions of religion, and the most +austere practices of devotion. He visited church every morning, +confessed once a week, and hated Jews and Protestants as much as an +inquisitor could do. He never lost an opportunity of proving his +sincerity, by persecuting one or the other whenever occasion fell in +his way. + +'He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had +insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before +him at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a +violent animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of +Protestant, and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly +turned his back upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels +were taking place between them in council; where it was only the +presence of his august masters that restrained the Baron from +publicly and frequently expressing the contempt which he felt for +the officer of police. + +'Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and +it is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You +remember whom the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?-- +a princess of the house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two +years after, and, as I feel convinced, with the money which was paid +to him by the F----family for forwarding the match. + +'To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which +everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern's desire. He knew the +man would be ruined for ever in the Prince's estimation who carried +him intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the +matter to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was +ripe, he cast about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies +in the houses of the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of +course, from your experience of Continental customs. We had all +spies over each other. Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name) +used to give me reports every morning; and I used to entertain the +dear old Duke with stories of you and your uncle practising picquet +and dice in the morning, and with your quarrels and intrigues. We +levied similar contributions on everybody in X----, to amuse the +dear old man. Monsieur de Magny's valet used to report both to me +and Monsieur de Geldern. + +'I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of +my exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent +upon the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. +How the Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, +is beyond my comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of +a woman in love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, +that our sex generally fix upon a bad man.' + +'Not always, madam,' I interposed; 'your humble servant has created +many such attachments.' + +'I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,' said +the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. 'The Jew who held +the emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was +offered a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the +pledge. He committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the +emerald with him to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by +the Princess with money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready +to pay it.' + +'Their interview took place in Magny's own apartments, when his +valet overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who +was always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, +was so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had +the conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously +stipulated. + +'At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was +for killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. +The man had heard every word of the conversation between the +disputants, and the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and +Magny, a quick and passionate, but not a violent man, bade the +servant lead the villain downstairs, and thought no more of him. + +'Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his +possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he +could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that +night.' + +'Your ladyship went halves, madam,' said I; 'and you know how little +I was the better for my winnings.' + +'The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no +sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, +where he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office +of his Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of +the conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his +master. + +'Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy's prudence +and fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to +provide for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to +reward their instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how +seldom those promises are kept. "Now, go and find out," said +Monsieur de Geldern, "at what time the Israelite proposes to return +home again, or whether he will repent and take the money." The man +went on this errand. Meanwhile, to make matters sure, Geldern +arranged a play-party at my house, inviting you thither with your +bank, as you may remember; and finding means, at the same time, to +let Maxime de Magny know that there was to be faro at Madame de +Liliengarten's. It was an invitation the poor fellow never +neglected.' + +I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of +the infernal Minister of Police. + +'The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had +made inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg +banker lodged, and that it was the latter's intention to leave X---- +that afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, +exceedingly humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + +'"Johann," said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the +shoulder, "I am more and more pleased with you. I have been +thinking, since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful +manner in which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion +to place you according to your merits. Which way does this +Israelitish scoundrel take?" + +'"He goes to R----to-night." + +'"And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann +Kerner?" + +'"Will your Excellency try me?" said the man, his eyes glittering: +"I served through the Seven Years' War, and was never known to fail +there." + +'"Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very +keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who +brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You +understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her +Highness. I need say no more." + +'"You shall have it to-night, sir," said the man. "Of course your +Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident." + +'"Psha!" answered the Minister; "I will pay you half the money +beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident's impossible if +you take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the +Jew rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say, +the old Powder-Mill in the wood. What's to prevent you from putting +a rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me +this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say 'foxes +are loose,'--that's the word for to-night. They will let you pass +them without questions." + +'The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny +was losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew +at the spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew's +horse stumbled over a rope which had been placed across the road; +and, as the rider fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed +out on him, masked, and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He +had no wish to kill the Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should +render extreme measures necessary. + +'Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared +for mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of +patrol came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + +'Kerner swore an oath. "You have come too soon," said he to the +sergeant of the police. "FOXES ARE LOOSE." "Some are caught," said +the sergeant, quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow's hands with +the rope which he had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. +He was placed behind a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly +accommodated, and the party thus came back into the town as the +night fell. 'They were taken forthwith to the police quarter; and, +as the chief happened to be there, they were examined by his +Excellency in person. Both were rigorously searched; the Jew's +papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was found in a private +pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him angrily, said, +"Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one of her +Highness's equerries!" and without hearing a word in exculpation +from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + +'Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince's apartments at +the palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he +produced the emerald. "This jewel," said he, "has been found on the +person of a Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, +and has had many dealings with her Highness's equerry, the Chevalier +de Magny. This afternoon the Chevalier's servant came from his +master's lodgings, accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make +inquiries as to the route the man intended to take on his way +homewards; followed him, or preceded him rather, and was found in +the act of rifling his victim by my police in the Kaiserwald. The +man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, a large sum in +gold was found on his person; and though it is with the utmost pain +that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to +implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de +Magny, I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined +relative to the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness's +private service, and in her confidence I have heard, I would not +venture to apprehend him without your Highness's permission." + +'The Prince's Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de +Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange +intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the +dreadful news of his grandson's supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness +himself was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms +should have the chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all +events, Monsieur de Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted +to go off to the Baron undisturbed, and break to him the +intelligence of the accusation pending over the unfortunate +Chevalier. + +'It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, +for, after hearing Hengst's narrative (as the latter afterwards told +me), he only said, "Heaven's will be done!" for some time refused to +stir a step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his +friend was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny +received at our play-table. + +'Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess's money, a police +visit was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his +guilt with respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with +the Princess, were discovered there,--tokens of her giving, +passionate letters from her, copies of his own correspondence to his +young friends at Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused, +and carefully put together under seal for his Highness, Prince +Victor. I have no doubt he perused them, for, on delivering them to +the Hereditary Prince, Geldern said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS +HIGHNESS'S ORDERS, he had collected the Chevalier's papers; but he +need not say that, on his honour, he (Geldern) himself had never +examined the documents. His difference with Messieurs de Magny was +known; he begged his Highness to employ any other official person in +the judgment of the accusation brought against the young Chevalier. + +'All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A +run of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari-- +was against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received +his uncle's note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched +gambler, that, on receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, +where the horse was in waiting, absolutely took the money which the +poor old gentleman had placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it +upstairs, played it, and lost it; and when he issued from the room +to fly, it was too late: he was placed in arrest at the bottom of my +staircase, as you were upon entering your own home. + +'Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to +arrest him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see +him, and flung himself into the lad's arms, and embraced him: it was +said, for the first time in many years. "He is here, gentlemen," he +sobbed out,--"thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!" and then +sank back in a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by +those present, to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known +to be so cold and stern. + +'"Robbery!" said the young man. "I swear before Heaven I am guilty +of none!" and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed +between them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard- +house into the prison which he was destined never to quit. + +'That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had +brought to him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no +doubt, that he gave orders for your arrest; for you were taken at +midnight, Magny at ten o'clock; after which time the old Baron de +Magny had seen his Highness, protesting of his grandson's innocence, +and the Prince had received him most graciously and kindly. His +Highness said he had no doubt the young man was innocent; his birth +and his blood rendered such a crime impossible; but suspicion was +too strong against him: he was known to have been that day closeted +with the Jew; to have received a very large sum of money which he +squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, doubtless, been the +lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, who inquired the +hour of the Jew's departure, lay in wait for him, and rifled him. +Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common justice +required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, he +should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had +for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With +this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left +old General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest +almost consoled, and confident in Maxime's eventual and immediate +release. + +'But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been +reading papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in +the next room across the door, bade him get horses, which were +always kept in readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of +letters into a box, told the page to follow him on horseback with +these. The young man (Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young +lady who was then of my household, and who is now Madame de +Weissenborn, and a mother of a score of children. + +'The page described that never was such a change seen as in his +august master in the course of that single night. His eyes were +bloodshot, his face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, +and he who had always made his appearance on parade as precisely +dressed as any sergeant of his troops, might have been seen +galloping through the lonely streets at early dawn without a hat, +his unpowdered hair streaming behind him like a madman. + +'The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it +was no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the +town, and through it to the General's quarter. The sentinels at the +door were scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the +General's gate, and, not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused +him admission. "Fools," said Weissenborn, "it is the Prince!" And, +jangling at the bell as if for an alarm of fire, the door was at +length opened by the porter, and his Highness ran up to the Generals +bedchamber, followed by the page with the box. + +'"Magny--Magny," roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, +"get up!" And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, +"It is I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!" And presently the door was +opened by the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince +entered. The page brought in the box, and was bidden to wait +without, which he did; but there led from Monsieur de Magny's +bedroom into his antechamber two doors, the great one which formed +the entrance into his room, and a smaller one which led, as the +fashion is with our houses abroad, into the closet which +communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door of this was +found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man was thus +enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the +apartment. + +'The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so +early a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a +while reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and +pacing up and down the room. + +'At last he said, "Here is the cause!" dashing his fist on the box; +and, as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the +door for a moment, saying, "Weissenborn perhaps has it;" but seeing +over the stove one of the General's couteaux de chasse, he took it +down, and said, "That will do," and fell to work to burst the red +trunk open with the blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and +he gave an oath, but continued haggling on with the broken blade, +which was better suited to his purpose than the long pointed knife, +and finally succeeded in wrenching open the lid of the chest. + +'"What is the matter?" said he, laughing. "Here's the matter;--read +that!--here's more matter, read that!--here's more--no, not that; +that's somebody else's picture--but here's hers! Do you know that, +Magny? My wife's--the Princess's! Why did you and your cursed race +ever come out of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever +your feet fell, and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and +yours ever had from my family but confidence and kindness? We gave +you a home when you had none, and here's our reward!" and he flung a +parcel of papers down before the old General; who saw the truth at +once;--he had known it long before, probably, and sank down on his +chair, covering his face. + +'The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. "If a man +injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling +lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. +You would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who's to +help me to my revenge? I've no equal. I can't meet that dog of a +Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had +played the traitor to one of his own degree." + +'"The blood of Maxime de Magny," said the old gentleman proudly, "is +as good as that of any prince in Christendom." + +'"Can I take it?" cried the Prince; "you know I can't. I can't have +the privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? +Look here, Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn't know what to +do. You've served me for thirty years; you've saved my life twice: +they are all knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no +honest men or women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell +me what am I to do?" Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor +distracted Prince fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly +flung himself down, and burst out in an agony of tears. + +'Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common +occasions, when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince's +part, became, as my informant has described to me, as much affected +as his master. The old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell, +as it were, into the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He +lost all sense of dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out +into all sorts of wild incoherent attempts at consolation; so much +so, that Weissenborn said he could not bear to look at the scene, +and actually turned away from the contemplation of it. + +'But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of +the long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the +conversation with his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers +and sent the page back for them. The General was on his knees +praying in the room when the young man entered, and only stirred and +looked wildly round as the other removed the packet. The Prince rode +away to his hunting-lodge at three leagues from X----, and three +days after that Maxime de Magny died in prison; having made a +confession that he was engaged in an attempt to rob the Jew, and +that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his dishonour. + +'But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his +grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. +This, however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his +grandson the draught which was to carry him out of the world; +represented to the wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that +it would be public and disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the +punishment, and so left him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and +not until he had used EVERY means of escape, as you shall hear, that +the unfortunate being's life was brought to an end. + +'As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time +after his grandson's death, and my honoured Duke's demise. After his +Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were +walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding +in the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly +abroad after his paralytic fits. "This is my wife, Magny," said the +Prince affectionately, taking the veteran's hand; and he added, +turning to his Princess, "General de Magny saved my life during the +Seven Years' War." + +'"What, you've taken her back again?" said the old man. "I wish +you'd send me back my poor Maxime." He had quite forgotten the death +of the poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark +indeed, passed away. + +'And now,' said Madame de Liliengarten, 'I have only one more gloomy +story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even +more horrible than the tale I have just told you.' With which +preface the old lady resumed her narrative. + +'The kind weak Princess's fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by +the cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from +his prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for +the Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny +with only robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, +and to bribe the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that +she lost all patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she +may have had for Magny's liberation; for her husband was inexorable, +and caused the Chevalier's prison to be too strictly guarded for +escape to be possible. She offered the State jewels in pawn to the +Court banker; who of course was obliged to decline the transaction. +She fell down on her knees, it is said, to Geldern, the Police +Minister, and offered him Heaven knows what as a bribe. Finally, she +came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, with his age, diseases, +and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of so violent a nature; +and who, in consequence of the excitement created in his august +bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit in which I very +nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an untimely end by +these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for the +Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, could +have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart +received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take +a share. + +'All her Highness's movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, +watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august +father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) +should dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, +Prince Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour +of high treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his +father from the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence +interposition on our part was vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + +'It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, +Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince's guard, +waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his +grandfather had visited him there and left behind him the phial of +poison which the criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern +signified to the young man that unless he took of his own accord the +laurelwater provided by the elder Magny, more violent means of death +would be instantly employed upon him, and that a file of grenadiers +was in waiting in the courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, +with the most dreadful self-abasement, after dragging himself round +the room on his knees from one officer to another, weeping and +screaming with terror, at last desperately drank off the potion, and +was a corpse in a few minutes. Thus ended this wretched young man. + +'His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the +paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for +having attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by +poison in prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of +the duchy to avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the +cause of the young man's ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs +of one of the noblest and most honourable of the servants of the +Duke irretrievable sorrow. + +'The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny +attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first +people of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He +attended parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke +Victor, who had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning +on the brave old warrior's arm. He was particularly gracious to the +old man, and told his officers the oft-repeated story how at +Rosbach, when the X----contingent served with the troops of the +unlucky Soubise, the General had thrown himself in the way of a +French dragoon, who was pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout, +had received the blow intended for his master, and killed the +assailant. And he alluded to the family motto of "Magny sans tache," +and said, "It had been always so with his gallant friend and tutor +in arms." This speech affected all present very much; with the +exception of the old General, who only bowed and did not speak: but +when he went home he was heard muttering "Magny sans tache, Magny +sans tache!" and was attacked with paralysis that night, from which +he never more than partially recovered. + +'The news of Maxime's death had somehow been kept from the Princess +until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph +containing the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know +not how, made known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell +me, she screamed and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and +raved like a madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her +physician attended her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this +while the Prince used to send to make inquiries concerning her; and +from his giving orders that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be +prepared and furnished, I make no doubt it was his intention to send +her into confinement thither: as had been done with the unhappy +sister of His Britannic Majesty at Zell. + +'She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which +the latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her +Highness when her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her +passionate letters he sent back for reply a packet, which, when +opened, was found to contain the emerald that had been the cause +round which all this dark intrigue moved. + +'Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the +presence of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime's +hair was more precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang +for her carriage, and said she would go and kiss his tomb; +proclaimed the murdered martyr's innocence, and called down the +punishment of Heaven, the wrath of her family, upon his assassin. +The Prince, on hearing these speeches (they were all, of course, +regularly brought to him), is said to have given one of his dreadful +looks (which I remember now), and to have said, "This cannot last +much longer." + +'All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating +the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings +of France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches +of her family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to +protect her against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing +his person in the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time +confessing her love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that +those ladies who were faithful to her pointed out to her the +inutility of these letters, the dangerous folly of the confessions +which they made; she insisted upon writing them, and used to give +them to her second robe-woman, a Frenchwoman (her Highness always +affectioned persons of that nation), who had the key of her +cassette, and carried every one of these epistles to Geldern. + +'With the exception that no public receptions were held, the +ceremony of the Princess's establishment went on as before. Her +ladies were allowed to wait upon her and perform their usual duties +about her person. The only men admitted were, however, her servants, +her physician and chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into +the garden, a heyduc, who kept the door, intimated to her Highness +that the Prince's orders were that she should keep her apartments. + +'They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble +staircase of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor's suite of +rooms being opposite the Princess's on the same landing. This space +is large, filled with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and +officers who waited upon the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber +of the landing-place, and pay their court to his Highness there, as +he passed out, at eleven o'clock, to parade. At such a time, the +heyducs within the Princess's suite of rooms used to turn out with +their halberts and present to Prince Victor--the same ceremony being +performed on his own side, when pages came out and announced the +approach of his Highness. The pages used to come out and say, "The +Prince, gentlemen!" and the drums beat in the hall, and the +gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that ran along the +balustrade. + +'As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her +guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, +as was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in +the old days he used to cross to the Princess's apartment and kiss +her hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, +complaining of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments +should be left open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think +was now evident, rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed +out, flung them open, and before a word could be said, or her ladies +could follow her, was in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as +usual on the landing: placing herself between him and the stair, she +began apostrophising him with frantic vehemence:-- + +'"Take notice, gentlemen!" she screamed out, "that this man is a +murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, +and kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and +fear the same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, +may, any night, put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to +all the kings of Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free +from this tyrant and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you +all, as gentlemen of honour, to carry these letters to my relatives, +and say from whom you had them!" and with this the unhappy lady +began scattering letters about among the astonished crowd. + +'"LET NO MAN STOOP!" cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. +"Madame de Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call +the Princess's physicians: her Highness's brain is affected. +Gentlemen, have the goodness to retire." And the Prince stood on the +landing as the gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to +the guard, "Soldier, if she moves, strike with your halbert!" on +which the man brought the point of his weapon to the Princess's +breast; and the lady, frightened, shrank back and re-entered her +apartments. "Now, Monsieur de Weissenborn," said the Prince, "pick +up all those papers;" and the Prince went into his own apartments, +preceded by his pages, and never quitted them until he had seen +every one of the papers burnt. + +'The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the +three physicians, stating that "her Highness the Hereditary Princess +laboured under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless +and disturbed night." Similar notices were issued day after day. The +services of all her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards +were placed within and without her doors; her windows were secured, +so that escape from them was impossible: and you know what took +place ten days after. The church-bells were ringing all night, and +the prayers of the faithful asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A +GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged with black, and stating that +the high and mighty Princess Olivia Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His +Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, Hereditary Prince of X----, +had died in the evening of the 24th of January 1769. + +'But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. +Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the +secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor's +death, did I reveal it. + +'After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince +sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration +to secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, +there is no secret in the world that women cannot know if they +will), despatched him on the following mysterious commission. + +'"There lives," said his Highness, "on the Kehl side of the river, +opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find +out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make +your inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any +remark; perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, +where the person is quite well known. You will take with you any +comrade on whom you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, +depend on your secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR +DE STRASBOURG is alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives +with him (I myself visited the man by accident on my return from +Paris five years since, and hence am induced to send for him now, in +my present emergency). You will have your carriage waiting at his +door at night; and you and your comrade will enter his house masked; +and present him with a purse of a hundred louis; promising him +double that sum on his return from his expedition. If he refuse, you +must use force and bring him; menacing him with instant death should +he decline to follow you. You will place him in the carriage with +the blinds drawn, one or other of you never losing sight of him the +whole way, and threatening him with death if he discover himself or +cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, where a room +shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you will restore +him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which you +brought him from it." + +'Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and +Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant +Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + +'All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the +bulletins in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance +of the Princess's malady; and though she had but few attendants, +strange and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress +of her complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself. +She had fancied herself to be I don't know how many different +characters. Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her +state, and couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to +procure the attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of +the brain. That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never +intended that the Princess should recover. + +'The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their +expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much +worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at +the agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring +to make her escape. + +'She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who +attended her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was +arranged. The Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, +opening from one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it +was said, of the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was +brought to her, purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law, +and stating that a carriage and horses had been provided, and would +take her to B----: the territory where she might communicate with +her family and be safe. + +'The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the +expedition. The passages wound through the walls of the modern part +of the palace and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was +called, on the outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and +for good reason. + +'At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, +went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her +hand was seized, and a voice cried "Hush!" The next minute a man in +a mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a +handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried +swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a +person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who +had gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, "It had best be +done now she has fainted." + +'Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from +her swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and +endeavoured to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be +done upon her, and for the state into which she was about to enter, +when she came to herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to +curse the Duke as a butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her +dear Magny. + +'At this the Duke said, quite calmly, "May God have mercy on her +sinful soul!" He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went +down on their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, +Weissenborn fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE +STRASBOURG, taking the back hair in his hand, separated the +shrieking head of Olivia from the miserable sinful body. May Heaven +have mercy upon her soul!' + +. . . . + +This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader +will have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected +myself and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at +liberty, but with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with +an escort of dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property +we had, we were allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of +our play debts were paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida +were thus at an end. + +When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months +after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the +good old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera +and ballet sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old +Duke had sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my +Countess's beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don't +know whether they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of +such a poor spirit did not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + +The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his +first wife's demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, +built the grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What +became of the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only +MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the +Jew, the chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those +sharp tools with which great people cut out their enterprises are +generally broken in the using: nor did I ever hear that their +employers had much regard for them in their ruin. + +CHAPTER XIII + +I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + +I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast +deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be +told, viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of +England and Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among +the most illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished +of the brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this +portion of my Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my +foreign adventures can be (though I could fill volumes with +interesting descriptions of the latter),--I shall cut short the +account of my travels in Europe, and of my success at the +Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell me at home. +Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, except the +beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari was +not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the +high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from +Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly +favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal +Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at +Rome; my uncle played several matches at billiards against the +celebrated Lord C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a +loser. In fact, by a neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh +against his Lordship, and something a great deal more substantial. +My Lord did not know that the Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and +when, one day, my uncle playfully bet him odds at billiards that he +would play him with a patch over one eye, the noble lord, thinking +to bite us (he was one of the most desperate gamblers that ever +lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very considerable amount of +him. + +Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the +creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most +athletic, and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a +young fellow of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which +a person of my spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these +subjects I am dumb. Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark +Valdez, tender Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that +knew how to beat in old times for the warm young Irish gentleman, +where are you now? Though my hair has grown grey now, and my sight +dim, and my heart cold with years, and ennui, and disappointment, +and the treachery of friends, yet I have but to lean back in my arm- +chair and think, and those sweet figures come rising up before me +out of the past, with their smiles, and their kindnesses, and their +bright tender eyes! There are no women like them now--no manners +like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the Prince's, stitched +up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists under their arms, +and compare them to the graceful figures of the old time! Why, when +I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the birth of the +first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet in +circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three +inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand +crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty +thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are +dressed like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies +are not dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of +the chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of +the fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This +manuscript must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was +the leader of the London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature, +who can no more dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot +even crack a bottle like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be +a man with his sword in his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in +the good old times, before that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of +the world! Oh, to see the Valdez once again, as on that day I met +her first driving in state, with her eight mules and her retinue of +gentlemen, by the side of yellow Mancanares! Oh, for another drive +with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, over the Saxon snow! False as +Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jilted by her than to be adored +by any other woman. I can't think of any one of them without +tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor little +museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that +survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How +changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round +her neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + +I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no +debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything I +wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and +equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor +let any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married +my Lady Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an +adventurer, or say I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! +I had the wealth of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a +meritorious lawyer or a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes +his own fortune an adventurer. My profession was play: in which I +was then unrivalled. No man could play with me through Europe, on +the square; and my income was just as certain (during health and the +exercise of my profession) as that of a man who draws on his Three- +per-cents., or any fat squire whose acres bring him revenue. Harvest +is not more certain than the effect of skill is: a crop is a chance, +as much as a game of cards greatly played by a fine player: there +may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, and your stake is +lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as another. + +In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have +nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of +another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the +drama of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal +acquaintance I made at Spa, very soon after the events described in +the last chapter had caused me to quit Germany. + +Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, +Baroness Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known +to the great world in her day, that I have little need to enter into +her family history; which is to be had in any peerage that the +reader may lay his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, +viscountess, and baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and +Cornwall were among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish +possessions not less magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in +a very early part of these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal +property in the kingdom of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in +the time of Elizabeth and her father went to diminish my acres, +while they added to the already vast possessions of the Lyndon +family. + +The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the +wife of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald +Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George +III. at several of the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon +was celebrated as a wit and bon vivant: he could write love-verses +against Hanbury Williams, and make jokes with George Selwyn; he was +a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, with whom and Mr. Grey he had +made a part of the grand tour; and was cited, in a word, as one of +the most elegant and accomplished men of his time. + +I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of +which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire +the spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite +pastime; for, though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a +cripple wheeled about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet +you would see him every morning and every evening at his post behind +the delightful green cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his +own hands were too feeble or inflamed to hold the box, he would call +the mains, nevertheless, and have his valet or a friend to throw for +him. I like this courageous spirit in a man; the greatest successes +in life have been won by such indomitable perseverance. + +I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and +the fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring +crowds around me in any public society where I appeared. I could +show reams of scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my +acquaintance was not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate +boasting, and only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to +relate myself's adventures: the most singular of any man's in +Europe. Well, Sir Charles Lyndon's first acquaintance with me +originated in the right honourable knight's winning 700 pieces of me +at picquet (for which he was almost my match); and I lost them with +much good-humour, and paid them: and paid them, you may be sure, +punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, that losing money at +play never in the least put me out of good-humour with the winner, +and that wherever I found a superior, I was always ready to +acknowledge and hail him. + +Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we +contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while +go beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper- +table at play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted +into his more private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the +gentry of those days were much prouder than at present), and used to +say to me in his haughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no +more manners than a barber, and I think my black footman has been +better educated than you; but you are a young fellow of originality +and pluck, and I like you, sir, because you seem determined to go to +the deuce by a way of your own.' I would thank him laughingly for +this compliment, and say, that as he was bound to the next world +much sooner than I was, I would be obliged to him to get comfortable +quarters arranged there for me. He used also to be immensely amused +with my stories about the splendour of my family and the +magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of listening or +laughing at those histories. + +'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told +him of my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been +winning the greatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my +artless Irish rustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer +names). 'Cultivate your great talents in the gambling line; but mind +this, that a woman will beat you.' + +That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered +the most intractable tempers among the sex. + +'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As +soon as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look +at me. I married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in +England--married her in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade +passed over Sir Charles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman. +You shall see her, sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She +has embittered my whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the +better of one of the best heads in Christendom. She is enormously +rich; but somehow I have never been so poor as since I married her. +I thought to better myself; and she has made me miserable and killed +me. And she will do as much for my successor, when I am gone.' + +'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charles +burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my +gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he +was, I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit +might have with his widow. + +'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, if +you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are +vacant. Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend +to marry a'---- + +'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage. + +"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word +on't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and +mine (he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a +prize out of the family), I might have died peaceably, at least; +carried my gout down to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest +tenement in Mayfair, had every house in England open to me; and now, +now I have six of my own, and every one of them is a hell to me. +Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take warning by me. Ever since I +have been married and have been rich, I have been the most miserable +wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a worn-out cripple at +the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to my life. When I +took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years who looked so +young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my pensions, +perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up all +these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain +Barry, and stick to the trumps." + +Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time +I never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those +which he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; +and it is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She +was a goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous +old woman of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a +blue-stocking and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English +and Italian, which still may be read by the curious in the pages of +the magazines of the day. She entertained a correspondence with +several of the European savans upon history, science, and ancient +languages, and especially theology. Her pleasure was to dispute +controversial points with abbes and bishops; and her flatterers said +she rivalled Madam Dacier in learning. Every adventurer who had a +discovery in chemistry, a new antique bust, or a plan for +discovering the philosopher's stone, was sure to find a patroness in +her. She had numberless works dedicated to her, and sonnets without +end addressed to her by all the poetasters of Europe, under the name +of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded with hideous China +magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + +No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to +be made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship +practised by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little +understood in our coarse downright times: and young and old fellows +would pour out floods of compliments in letters and madrigals, such +as would make a sober lady stare were they addressed to her +nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry of the last century +disappeared out of our manners. + +Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had +half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would +travel with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, +and poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another +would be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite +of their care, never could make their mistress look much better than +a slattern. Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the +domestics of the establishment would follow in other vehicles. + +Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship's +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, +the little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, +about whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother +never saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put +to him a few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he +was consigned to his own amusements, or the care of his governor, +for the rest of the day. + +The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public +places now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and +schoolmasters, who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I +had not the least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire +to be one of the beggarly adorers in the great lady's train,-- +fellows, half friend, half lacquey, who made verses, and wrote +letters, and ran errands, content to be paid by a seat in her +Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at her dinner-table at +noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon would say, whose great +subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'my Lindonira will +have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, not that +of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be admitted +to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me the +honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, a +gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself by +gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury! +I'm a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.' + +This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady +Lyndon; if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of +those Barrys, whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy +companion for any lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend +the knight was dying: his widow would be the richest prize in the +three kingdoms. Why should I not win her, and, with her, the means +of making in the world that figure which my genius and inclination +desired? I felt I was equal in blood and breeding to any Lyndon in +Christendom, and determined to bend this haughty lady. When I +determine, I look upon the thing as done. + +My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a +method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle +Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond of +pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer +evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; +and I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a +college tutor and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any +one who resembled a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of +servants, my vis-a-vis and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and +horses, dressed in gold, and velvet, and sables, saluting the +greatest people in Europe as we met on the course, or at the Spas, +Runt was dazzled by my advances, and was mine by a beckoning of the +finger. I shall never forget the poor wretch's astonishment when I +asked him to dine, with two counts, off gold plate, at the little +room in the casino: he was made happy by being allowed to win a few +pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang Cambridge songs, and +recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid Yorkshire French, +stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had ever been in his +college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, and bring with +him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always detested +me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and +picture-books when he came. + +I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided +to him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning +towards the Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write +me letters upon transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was +rather puzzled to answer. I knew that they would be communicated to +his lady, as they were; for, asking leave to attend the English +service which was celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by +the best English then at the Spa, on the second Sunday she +condescended to look at me; on the third she was pleased to reply to +my profound bow by a curtsey; the next day I followed up the +acquaintance by another obeisance in the public walk; and, to make a +long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full correspondence on +transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady came to the +aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious weight +of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this +harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every +one of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady +was in the case. + +I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on +one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his +sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and +four, with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, +came driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; +and in that carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the +'vulgar Irish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean +Redmond Barry, Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and +grinned and waved his hat in as graceful a manner as the gout +permitted; and her Ladyship and I replied to the salutation with the +utmost politeness and elegance on our parts. + +I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady +Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for +three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which +her companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but +when, at last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me +with a yell of laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all +the company as Lady Lyndon's interesting young convert. This was his +way. He laughed and sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in +a paroxysm of pain; he laughed when he won money, or when he lost +it: his laugh was not jovial or agreeable, but rather painful and +sardonic. + +'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and +several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of +champagne and a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable +youth! He has been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for +refuge to my chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my +wife, Lady Lyndon; and, between them both, they are confirming my +ingenious young friend in his faith. Did you ever hear of such +doctors, and such a disciple?' + +''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's +surely better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain +than to you!' + +'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight. + +'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there +were no chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not +very well pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always +free-spoken in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups +many more times in a week than his doctors allowed. + +'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawing +near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of +me, that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I +don't mean you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance +with a score of others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to +see her, like a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her +husband's departure?' + +'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I, +with perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing +companion. 'Not so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,' +continued he. 'Why, man, I have been given over any time these four +years; and there was always a candidate or two waiting to apply for +the situation. Who knows how long I may keep you waiting?' and he +DID keep me waiting some little time longer than at that period +there was any reason to suspect. + +As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and +authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with +whom their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I +perhaps should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady +Lyndon. But though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my +own and other persons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper +in the passionate style of those days with compliments to every one +of her beauties and smiles, in which I compared her to every flower, +goddess, or famous heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say +that there was nothing divine about her at all. She was very well; +but no more. Her shape was fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and +exceedingly active; she loved singing, but performed it as so great +a lady should, very much out of tune. She had a smattering of half- +a-dozen modern languages, and, as I have said before, of many more +sciences than I even knew the names of. She piqued herself on +knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that Mr. Runt, used to +supply her with the quotations which she introduced into her +voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, as +strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever +knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his +differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its +proper time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than +myself; though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she +was three years younger. + +Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real +motives, and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir +Charles Lyndon said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of +Lady Lyndon with ulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after +the scene described and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, +'let those laugh that win. You were very pleasant upon me a few +nights since, and on my intentions regarding your lady. Well, if +they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO wish to step into your +shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than you had yourself. +I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my Lady Lyndon as +you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when you are dead +and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear of your +ghost will deter me?' + +Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had +clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right +to hunt my fortune as he had. + +But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, +mark my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty +you once enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh, +'the thing that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am +old, blase, and dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.' + +'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity. + +'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love +in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, a +bouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember +my own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early +life), 'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her? +There's nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend +upon that. It gives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my +word for it. No man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself +a single amusement for his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he +select the animal properly, he will choose such a one as shall be no +bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours of annoyance. For +instance, I have got the gout: who tends me? A hired valet, who robs +me whenever he has the power. My wife never comes near me. What +friend have I? None in the wide world. Men of the world, as you and +I are, don't make friends; and we are fools for our pains. Get a +friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a good household drudge, who +loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of friendship; for the +expense of it is all on the woman's side. The man needn't contribute +anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel; if he's a +brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment of +her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our +greatest comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it +were; and to men in your way of life, believe me such a person would +be invaluable. I am only speaking for your bodily and mental +comfort's sake, mind. Why didn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the +curate's daughter?' + +I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; +although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir +Charles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we +often buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a +year at the expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a +young fellow of any talent and spirit; and there have been moments +of my life when, in the midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, +with half-a-dozen lords at my levee, with the finest horses in my +stables, the grandest house over my head, with unlimited credit at +my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, I have wished myself back a +private of Bulow's, or anything, so as to get rid of her. To return, +however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his complication of ills, +was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubt it could not have +been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome fellow paying +court to his widow before his own face as it were. After I once got +into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a dozen +more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out of +her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared +I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have +told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by +this time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people +cared to encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep +it. Many's the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid +me. 'Faugh! the low Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse +adventurer!' 'Out on the insufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so +forth. This hatred has been of no inconsiderable service to me in +the world; for when I fasten on a man, nothing can induce me to +release my hold: and I am left to myself, which is all the better. +As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with perfect sincerity, +'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in my correspondence)--' +Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy own soul, by +the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure and +chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease from +following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands. +Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climb +over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it +was true, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me +downstairs every day I presented myself at her door. + +That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his +fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. +Dare, and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, +dare again, and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so +great, that if I had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the +blood, I would have had her! + +I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. +My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that +I dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking +passages enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and +indomitable courage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say: +'offer to marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which +never yet met its master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though +it were to the gates of Hades.' I promise you this was very +different language to that she had been in the habit of hearing from +her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You should have seen how I scared the +fellows from her. + +When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon +across the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, +provided nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If +Lyndon would not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? +And somehow, towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my +mortification I do confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed +as if nothing would kill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,' +he would say, laughing as usual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any +gentleman, waiting. Had you not better arrange with my doctor, or +get the cook to flavour my omelette with arsenic? What are the odds, +gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don't live to see Captain Barry +hanged yet?' + +In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual +luck,' I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential +and most excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been +wasting the treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a +countess, and here's her husband restored to health and likely to +live I don't know how many years!' And, as if to add to my +mortification, there came just at this period to Spa an English +tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum to her fortune; and Madame +Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and farmer-general, with +a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + +'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if +the knight won't die?' + +'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop +here and pay court to the new arrivals.' + +'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all +England.' + +'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up +a correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she +likes so much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most +charming letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and +meanwhile look out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? +you might marry the Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be +ready for the Countess against the knight's death.' + +And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and +having given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock +of her hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her +mistress), I took leave of the Countess, when it became necessary +for her return to her estates in England; swearing I would follow +her as soon as an affair of honour I had on my hands could be +brought to an end. + +I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again +saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity +at first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, +meanwhile, at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was +just on the point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels +by this time, and the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the +London Gazette was put into my hands, and I read the following +announcement:-- + +'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right +Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of +Parliament for Lyndon in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's +representative at various European Courts. He hath left behind him a +name which is endeared to all his friends for his manifold virtues +and talents, a reputation justly acquired in the service of His +Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to deplore his loss. Her +Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was at the Bath when the +horrid intelligence reached her of her husband's demise, and +hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad duties +to his beloved remains.' + +That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I +freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, +reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found +myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + +CHAPTER XIV + +I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY IN THAT +KINGDOM + +How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor +penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. I +returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five +thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and +jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes +of life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war +and in love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from +poverty and obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out +from my chariot windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare +roads, by the miserable cabins of the peasantry, who came out in +their rags to stare as the splendid equipage passed, and huzza'd for +his Lordship's honour as they saw the magnificent stranger in the +superb gilded vehicle, my huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind +with curling moustaches and long queue, his green livery barred with +silver lace, I could not help thinking of myself with considerable +complacency, and thanking my stars that had endowed me with so many +good qualities. But for my own merits I should have been a raw Irish +squireen such as those I saw swaggering about the wretched towns +through which my chariot passed on its road to Dublin. I might have +married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I did not, I have +never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even remember the +bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than any other +incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten children +by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to a +squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most +famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper +money and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I +warrant me there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour +as if my Lord Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been +passing. + +My second day's journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those +days, and the progress of a gentleman's chariot terribly slow-- +brought me to Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had +used eleven years back, when flying from home after the supposed +murder of Quin in the duel. How well I remember every moment of the +scene! The old landlord was gone who had served me; the inn that I +then thought so comfortable looked wretched and dismantled; but the +claret was as good as in the old days, and I had the host to partake +of a jug of it and hear the news of the country. + +He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the +markets, the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last +story about the vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; +how the Whiteboys had burned Squire Scanlan's ricks, and the +highwaymen had been beaten off in their attack upon Sir Thomas's +house; who was to hunt the Kilkenny hounds next season, and the +wonderful run entirely they had last March; what troops were in the +town, and how Miss Biddy Toole had run off with Ensign Mullins: all +the news of sport, assize, and quarter-sessions were detailed by +this worthy chronicler of small-beer, who wondered that my honour +hadn't heard of them in England, or in foreign parts, where he +seemed to think the world was as interested as he was about the +doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these tales with, I +own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a name would +come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, and +bring with it a hundred associations connected with them. + +I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the +doings of the Brady's Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his +eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had +separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother +came to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with +their odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, +though he had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt +property, and Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and +owls, and the old gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone +to live at Bray, to sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who +had a chapel there; and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs. +Barry's son had gone to foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian +service, and had been shot there as a deserter. + +I don't care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord's +stable after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my +old home. My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and +mortar over the door, and was called 'The Esculapian Repository,' by +Doctor Macshane; a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old +parlour; the little window of my room, once so neat and bright, was +cracked in many places, and stuffed with rags here and there; the +flowers had disappeared from the trim garden-beds which my good +orderly mother tended. In the churchyard there were two more names +put into the stone over the family vault of the Bradys: they were +those of my cousin, for whom my regard was small, and my uncle, whom +I had always loved. I asked my old companion the blacksmith, who had +beaten me so often in old days, to give my horse a feed and a +litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, with a dozen dirty +ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no recollection +of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not seek to recall +my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten guineas into +his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond. + +As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the +old trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out +here and there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the +moonlight over the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at +pasture there. The garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled +wilderness. I sat down on the old bench, where I had sat on the day +when Nora jilted me; and I do believe my feelings were as strong +then as they had been when I was a boy, eleven years before; and I +caught myself almost crying again, to think that Nora Brady had +deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. I've seen a flower, or +heard some trivial word or two, which have awakened recollections +that somehow had lain dormant for scores of years; and when I +entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born (it was used +as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a sudden +the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: I +recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a +gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered +sack, with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything +we have seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in +this way? I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at +Castle Brady, and thought of the bygone times. + +The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was +flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers +upon the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in +the blue of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you +could see the old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it +still. There had been jolly horses in those stables once; and I +could see my uncle's honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs +as they came jumping and whining and barking round about him of a +gay winter morning. We used to mount there; and the girls looked out +at us from the hall-window, where I stood and looked at the sad, +mouldy, lonely old place. There was a red light shining through the +crevices of a door at one corner of the building, and a dog +presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man followed with a +fowling-piece. + +'Who's there?' said the old man. + +'PHIL PURCELL, don't you know me?' shouted I; 'it's Redmond Barry.' + +I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for +he pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, +and came down and embraced him.... Psha! I don't care to tell the +rest: Phil and I had a long night, and talked over a thousand +foolish old things that have no interest for any soul alive now: for +what soul is there alive that cares for Barry Lyndon? + +I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and +made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in +comfort. + +Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty +cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was +called my 'valet' in the days of yore, and whom the reader may +remember as clad in my father's old liveries. They used to hang +about him in those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his +heels; but Tim, though he protested he had nigh killed himself with +grief when I went away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my +absence, and would have fitted almost into Daniel Lambert's coat, or +that of the vicar of Castle Brady, whom he served in the capacity of +clerk. I would have engaged the fellow in my service but for his +monstrous size, which rendered him quite unfit to be the attendant +of any gentleman of condition; and so I presented him with a +handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather to his next +child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in the +world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously as +in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls' waiting-maid, +who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to +go salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a +mud hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those +of my friend the blacksmith. + +From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the +very last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + +''Faith sir,' says Tim, 'and you're come in time, mayhap, for +preventing an addition to your family.' + +'Sir!' exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + +'In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,' says Tim: 'the +misthress is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.' + +Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race +of Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, +both my informants feared, and having managed to run through the +small available remains of property which my good old uncle had left +behind him. + +I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to +conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, +the taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did +not part except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the +sun had been some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that +has always been one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as +many men of high lineage like my own have, and, in default of better +company, will hob and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just +as readily as with the first noble in the land. + +I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for +visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks +were still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a +blister was lying on the window-sill, where my mother's 'Whole Duty +of Man' had its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out +who I was (my countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more +besides), and sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, +and whether my friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the +Empress Maria Theresa had been. The bell-ringers would have had a +ring of bells for me, but there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to +pull; and I rode off before the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had +succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had the living in my time), had time +to come out to compliment me; but the rapscallions of the beggarly +village had assembled in a dirty army to welcome me, and cheered +'Hurrah for Masther Redmond!' as I rode away. + +My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I +returned to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, +that the highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and +station had been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared +his praises of his master, and had invented some magnificent +histories concerning me. He said it was the truth that I was +intimate with half the sovereigns of Europe, and the prime favourite +with most of them. Indeed I had made my uncle's order of the Spur +hereditary, and travelled under the name of the Chevalier Barry, +chamberlain to the Duke of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + +They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my +road to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on +pretty well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and +the pistols with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night +at Kilcullen, and the next day I made my entry into the city of +Dublin, with four horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my +purse, and one of the most brilliant reputations in Europe, having +quitted the city a beggarly boy, eleven years before. + +The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for +knowing their neighbours' concerns as the country people have; and +it is impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be +(and such mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the +capital without having his name printed in every newspaper and +mentioned in a number of societies. My name and titles were all over +the town the day after my arrival. A great number of polite persons +did me the honour to call at my lodgings, when I selected them; and +this was a point very necessarily of immediate care, for the hotels +in the town were but vulgar holes, unfit for a nobleman of my +fashion and elegance. I had been informed of the fact by travellers +on the Continent; and determining to fix on a lodging at once, I +bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets with my chariot, +until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This proceeding, +and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, who was +instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until +convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob +round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have +supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the +multitude following us. + +I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel +Street, paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid +gratuity, and establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and +Fritz, desired the landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my +liveries, a couple of stout reputable chairmen and their machine, +and a coachman who had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, +and serviceable riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in +advance; and I promise you the effect of my advertisement was such, +that next day I had a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms, +valets, and maitres-d'hotel offered themselves without number; I had +proposals for the purchase of horses sufficient to mount a regiment, +both from dealers and gentlemen of the first fashion. Sir Lawler +Gawler came to propose to me the most elegant bay-mare ever stepped; +my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that wouldn't disgrace my +friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget sent his +gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step up to +his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him +previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I +determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget, +but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best +way. Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted +his horse, and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you +had was the offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the +bullet game too much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I +may say, proudly for myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I +had a real, available, and prudent reason for it. + +There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made +me wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours +across the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made +myself in a single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a +man ten years and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won +five hundred thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the +Empress Catherine of Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of +Prussia; it was I won the battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of +Madame Du Barry, the French King's favourite, and a thousand things +beside. Indeed, to tell the truth, I hinted a number of these +stories to my kind friends Ballyragget and Gawler; and they were not +slow to improve the hints I gave them. + +After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the +sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me +with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, +without the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked +more ragged than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes +along the banks of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn +in the town fit for a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those +luckless fellows who could not keep a carriage, and walked the +streets at night, ran imminent risks of the knives of the women and +ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set of ragged savage villains, +who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; and as a gentleman +entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to his evening rout, +or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light up such a set +of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a genteel person +of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong ones; besides, +had seen my amiable countrymen before. + +I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish +patriots, who don't like to have the nakedness of our land abused, +and are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it +was a poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I +speak; and many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There +were, it is true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period; +and a House of Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a +roystering noisy University, whereof the students made no small +disturbances nightly, patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious +printers and tradesmen, and gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre. +But I had seen too much of the first society of Europe to be much +tempted by the society of these noisy gentry, and was a little too +much of a gentleman to mingle with the disputes and politics of my +Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of Commons there were some +dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard in the English +Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of Galway. +Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and +ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. +Edmund Burke's interminable speeches in the English House I used +always to go to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties +that Mr. Burke was a person of considerable abilities, and even +reputed to be eloquent in his more favourable moments. + +I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the +wretched place affords, and which were within a gentleman's reach: +Ranelagh and the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord +Lieutenant's parties, where there was a great deal too much boozing, +and too little play, to suit a person of my elegant and refined +habits. 'Daly's Coffee-house,' and the houses of the nobility, were +soon open to me; and I remarked with astonishment in the higher +circles, what I had experienced in the lower on my first unhappy +visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of money, and a preposterous +deal of promissory notes flying about, for which I was quite +unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were mad for play; +but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when the old +Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she gave +me, instead of the money, her Ladyship's note of hand on her agent +in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the +candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play, +I said that as soon as her Ladyship's remittances were arrived, I +would be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very +humble servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular +character throughout the Dublin society: giving out at 'Daly's' that +I was ready to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence +with him, or to ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or +to shoot flying, or at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment, +especially if the mark be a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day +had no ordinary skill. + +Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon +with a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars +of the Countess of Lyndon's state of health and mind; and a touching +and eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember +ancient days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which +I had purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that +Sylvander remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista. +The answer I received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and +inexplicit; that from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all +pleasant in its contents. My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of +Tiptoff's younger son, was paying very marked addresses to the +widow; being a kinsman of the family, and having been called to +Ireland relative to the will of the deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + +Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those +days, which was of great convenience to persons desirous of +expeditious justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain +a hundred proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, +Lieutenant Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending +warning letters to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were +unattended to. The celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern +counties, and his business seemed to be to procure wives for +gentlemen who had not sufficient means to please the parents of the +young ladies; or, perhaps, had not time for a long and intricate +courtship. + +I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very +poor; hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of +queer corners, from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or +to his card-party at his tavern; but he was always the courageous +fellow: and I hinted to him the state of my affections regarding +Lady Lyndon. + +'The Countess of Lyndon!' said poor Ulick; 'well, that IS a wonder. +I myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the +Kiljoys of Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, +and to whom her Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow +without a coat to his back to get on with an heiress in such company +as that? I might as well propose for the Countess myself.' + +'You had better not,' said I, laughing; 'the man who tries runs a +chance of going out of the world first.' And I explained to him my +own intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for +me was prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and +heard how wonderful my adventures and great my experience of +fashionable life had been, was lost in admiration of my daring and +energy, when I confided to him my intention of marrying the greatest +heiress in England. + +I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a +letter into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a +feigned hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George +Poynings to quit the country; saying that the great prize was never +meant for the likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in +England, without coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain +Fireball. The letter was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the +worst of spelling: it came to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and, +being a high-spirited young man, he of course laughed at it. + +As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very +short time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond +Barry, at the Lord Lieutenant's table; adjourned with him and +several other gentlemen to the club at 'Daly's,' and there, in a +dispute about the pedigree of a horse, in which everybody said I was +in the right, words arose, and a meeting was the consequence. I had +had no affair in Dublin since my arrival, and people were anxious to +see whether I was equal to my reputation. I make no boast about +these matters, but always do them when the time comes; and poor Lord +George, who had a neat hand and a quick eye enough, but was bred in +the clumsy English school, only stood before my point until I had +determined where I should hit him. + +My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he +fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, 'Mr. +Barry, I was wrong!' I felt not very well at ease when the poor +fellow made this confession: for the dispute had been of my making, +and, to tell the truth, I had never intended it should end in any +other way than a meeting. + +He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; +and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the +duel, carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, 'This is +NUMBER ONE!' + +'You, Ulick,' said I, 'shall be NUMBER TWO.' + +''Faith,' said my cousin, 'one's enough:' But I had my plan +regarding him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, +and to forward my own designs upon the widow. + +CHAPTER XV + +I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + +As my uncle's attainder was not reversed for being out with the +Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to +accompany his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not +hanging, at least a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful +pardon, would have awaited the good old gentleman. In any important +crisis of my life, his advice was always of advantage to me, and I +did not fail to seek it at this juncture, and to implore his counsel +as regarded my pursuit of the widow. I told him the situation of her +heart, as I have described it in the last chapter; of the progress +that young Poynings had made in her affections, and of her +forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a letter, in reply, full +of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail to profit. The +kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for the present +boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had thoughts +of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the world, +devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile he +wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person +of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many +adorers about her; and that, as in her husband's lifetime she had +shown herself not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must +make no manner of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so +favoured; nor was I likely to be the last. + +'I would, my dear child,' he added, 'that the ugly attainder round +my neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world +of sin and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming +personally to your aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, +to lead them to a good end, it requires not only the indomitable +courage, swagger, and audacity, which you possess beyond any young +man I have ever known' (as for the 'swagger,' as the Chevalier calls +it, I deny it in toto, being always most modest in my demeanour); +'but though you have the vigour to execute, you have not the +ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the following out of a +scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of execution. Would +you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the Countess Ida, +which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, but for the +advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his accounts +with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all? + +'Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning +her is quite en l'air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, +as I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But +your general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you +used to have from her during the period of the correspondence which +the silly woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment +passed between you; and especially was written by her Ladyship +herself: she is a blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to +make her griefs with her husband the continual theme of her +correspondence (as women will do). I recollect several passages in +her letters bitterly deploring her fate in being united to one so +unworthy of her. + +'Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be +enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and +threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a +lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, +remonstrate, alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs +of her former regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge, +if she prove unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring +feat, which will let her see your indomitable resolution: you are +the man to do it. Your sword has a reputation in Europe, and you +have a character for boldness; which was the first thing that caused +my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes upon you. Make the people talk about +you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and as brave, and as odd as possible. +How I wish I were near you! You have no imagination to invent such a +character as I would make for you--but why speak; have I not had +enough of the world and its vanities?' + +There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, +unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications +and devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as +usual, with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But +he was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour +and principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, +in this respect, will be as acceptable as the other. + +Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask +on my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be +permitted to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was +silent, I demanded, Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she +had favoured with her intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista +forgotten Eugenio? At the same time I sent down by my servant with +this letter a present of a little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a +private note to his governor; whose note of hand, by the way, I +possessed for a sum--I forget what--but such as the poor fellow +would have been very unwilling to pay. To this an answer came from +her Ladyship's amanuensis, stating that Lady Lyndon was too much +disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity to see any one +but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the boy's +governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young kinsman +who was about to console her. + +This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I +took care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + +When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, +my informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the +journal, and said, 'The horrible monster! He would not shrink from +murder, I believe;' and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword-- +the sword I had given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with +it the man who had hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that +I was the donor of the weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he +would kill me all the same! Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, +that boy always seemed to detest me. + +Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of +Lord George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be +induced to come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, +I managed to have her informed that he was in a precarious state; +that he grew worse; that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of +this flight I caused the Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but +indeed it did not carry me beyond the town of Bray, where my poor +mother dwelt; and where, under the difficulties of a duel, I might +be sure of having a welcome. + +Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their +mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with +that kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so +considerable, and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature +could not but feel the most enduring and sincere regard. + +But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now +stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his +private affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a +messenger to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my +sentiments of respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her +personally so soon as my business in Dublin would leave me free. + +This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, +my establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to +make; and, having announced my intention to purchase horses and live +in a genteel style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of +the nobility and gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners +and suppers, that it became exceedingly difficult for me during some +days to manage my anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + +It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as +she heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of +Bray to be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord +Ballyragget on the day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to +break the promise that I had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble +festival. + +I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a +handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at +the best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from +Paris expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with +the presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn +half way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be +aware that something had offended the good lady; who came out, he +said, and abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but +that she was restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded, +with justice, was her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + +This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an +interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days +further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there +was no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the +capital I had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my +youth. + +I don't care to own that she is the only human being whom I am +afraid to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and +the reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and +painful: and so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick +Brady, to her; who rode back, saying that he had met with a +reception he would not again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had +been dismissed the house, with strict injunctions to inform me that +my mother disowned me for ever. This parental anathema, as it were, +affected me much, for I was always the most dutiful of sons; and I +determined to go as soon as possible, and brave what I knew must be +an inevitable scene of reproach and anger, for the sake, as I hoped, +of as certain a reconciliation. + +I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the +genteelest company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess +downstairs with a pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey +coat seated at my doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I +tendered a piece of money, and whom my noble friends, who were +rather hot with wine, began to joke, as my door closed and I bade +them all good-night. + +I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the +hooded woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her +vow that she would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal +yearnings had made her long to see her son's face once again, and +who had thus planted herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have +found in my experience that these are the only women who never +deceive a man, and whose affection remains constant through all +trials. Think of the hours that the kind soul must have passed, +lonely in the street, listening to the din and merriment within my +apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the laughing, the choruses, +and the cheering. + +When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to +me, for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, +thought I, is the time to make my peace with my good mother: she +will never refuse me an asylum now that I seem in distress. So +sending to her a notice that I was coming, that I had had a duel +which had brought me into trouble, and required I should go into +hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour afterwards: and, I +warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, for presently, +being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted maid who +waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor mother +flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports of joy +which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be +comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child +after a twelve years' absence from him. + +The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother's director, was the only person to +whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he +would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, +which he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother's charge, +groaned aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the +sinfulness of my past courses, and especially of the last horrible +action I had been committing. + +'Sinful!' said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; +'sure we're all sinners; and it's you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me +the inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would +you have had the poor child behave?' + +'I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, +and this wicked duel altogether,' answered the clergyman. + +But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be +very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither +became a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with +the thought that I had pinked an English marquis's son in a duel; +and so, to console her, I told her of a score more in which I had +been engaged, and of some of which I have already informed the +reader. + +As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that +report of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that +my hiding should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact +as well as I did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, +her barefooted serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give +alarm, lest the officers should be in search of me. + +The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to +bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon's arrival; and I +own, after two days' close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated +all the adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making +her accept the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable +addition to her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad +when I saw that reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride +up to the door in my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my +mother, that the young lord was out of danger; and for me, that the +Countess of Lyndon had arrived in Dublin. + +'And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a +little longer,' said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, 'and +you'd have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.' But I +dried her tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her +often; and hinted I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a +noble daughter to welcome her. + +'Who is she, Redmond dear?' said the old lady. + +'One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,' +answered I. 'No mere Brady this time,' I added, laughing: with which +hopes I left Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers. + +No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried +my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I +was a week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that +capital. I had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time; +made a point of calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an +intimate consoler of his bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did +not neglect to be civil, and towards whom I ordered my people to be +particular in their attentions; for I was naturally anxious to learn +what my Lord George's position with the lady of Castle Lyndon had +really been, whether other suitors were about the widow, and how she +would bear the news of his wound. + +The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects +I was most desirous to inquire into. + +'Chevalier,' said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my +compliments, 'I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, +the Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a +letter here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day +when there was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid +equipage you were exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and +protested she never had heard of you. + +'"Oh yes, mamma," said the little Bullingdon, "the tall dark man at +Spa with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and +sent me the sword: his name is Mr. Barry." + +'But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in +knowing nothing about you.' + +'And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?' +said I, in a tone of grave surprise. + +'Yes, indeed,' answered the young gentleman. 'I left her house but +to get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time +too.' + +'Why more unlucky now than at another moment?' + +'Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to +me. I think I might have induced her to make our connection a little +closer: and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest +party now in England.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'will you let me ask you a frank but an +odd question?--will you show me her letters?' + +'Indeed I'll do no such thing,' replied he, in a rage. + +'Nay, don't be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon's to +me, will you let me see hers to you?' + +'What, in Heaven's name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?' said the young +gentleman. + +'_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am a +--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her +to distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill +the man who possesses her before me.' + +'YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?' +said Lord George haughtily. + +'There's no nobler blood in Europe than mine,' answered I: 'and I +tell you I don't know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that +there were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not +disdain to look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries +her passes over my dead body to do it. It's lucky for you,' I added +gloomily, 'that on the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not +know what were your views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you +are a lad of courage and I love you. Mine is the first sword in +Europe, and you would have been lying in a narrower bed than that +you now occupy.' + +'Boy!' said Lord George: 'I am not four years younger than you are.' + +'You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed +through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have +made my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a +private soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and +never was touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French +maitre-d'armes, Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a +beggar, and am now at seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand +guineas. Do you suppose a man of my courage and energy can't attain +anything that he dares, and that having claims upon the widow, I +will not press them?' + +This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied +my pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw +that it made the impression I desired to effect upon the young +gentleman's mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar +seriousness, and whom I presently left to digest it. + +A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I +brought with me some of the letters that had passed between me and +my Lady Lyndon. 'Here,' said I, 'look--I show it you in confidence-- +it is a lock of her Ladyship's hair; here are her letters signed +Calista, and addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, "When Sol bedecks +the mead with light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray," addressed by +her Ladyship to your humble servant.' + +'Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?' cried the young +lord. 'Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the +very poem herself! "Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in +the evening grey."' + +I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in +fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, +upon comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in +the one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is +to be a blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + +The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. 'Well, +thank Heaven!' said he, after a pause of some duration,--'thank +Heaven for a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have +married had these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady +Lyndon had a heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; +and that, at least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would +as lief send my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up +with such an Ephesian matron as that.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'you little know the world. Remember what +a bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don't be astonished that she, on +her side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, +ever passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned +beyond the composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.' + +'My wife,' said the little lord, 'shall write no sonnets or billets- +doux; and I'm heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good time, +a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for a +moment in love.' + +The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young +and green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would +give up forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected +with it had written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is +too absurd--or, as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an +excuse to quit the field altogether, being by no means anxious to +meet the victorious sword of Redmond Barry a second time. + +When the idea of Poynings' danger, or the reproaches probably +addressed by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this +exceedingly weak and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and +my worthy Ulick had informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good +mother, who was quite reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done +that), and found the disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying +visits to the wounded swain; much to the annoyance, the servants +told me, of that gentleman. The English are often absurdly high and +haughty upon a point of punctilio; and, after his kinswoman's +conduct, Lord Poynings swore he would have no more to do with her. + +I had this information from his Lordship's gentleman; with whom, as +I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied +admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + +Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she +had found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had +watched her from her own house to Lord George Poynings' lodgings, +and seen her descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself +followed her. I proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to +make a scene there, and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary; +but matters were, as it happened, arranged much more conveniently +for me; and walking, unannounced, into the outer room of his +Lordship's apartments, I had the felicity of hearing in the next +chamber, of which the door was partially open, the voice of my +Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the poor patient, as he +lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most passionate manner. +'What can lead you, George,' she said, 'to doubt of my faith? How +can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous manner? +Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, I +shall join there the dear departed angel.' + +'Who entered it three months since,' said Lord George, with a sneer. +'It's a wonder you have survived so long.' + +'Don't treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!' +cried the widow. + +'Bah!' said Lord George, 'my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much +talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can't you console +yourself with somebody else?' + +'Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!' + +'Console yourself with Eugenio,' said the young nobleman bitterly, +and began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner +room, came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + +Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was +dressed in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not +recognise the person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went +down the stairs, I stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman +opened her door, sprang forward, and took her hand to place her in +the vehicle. 'Dearest widow,' said I, 'his Lordship spoke correctly. +Console yourself with Eugenio!' She was too frightened even to +scream, as her chairman carried her away. She was set down at her +house, and you may be sure that I was at the chair-door, as before, +to help her out. + +'Monstrous man!' said she, 'I desire you to leave me.' + +'Madam, it would be against my oath,' replied I; 'recollect the vow +Eugenio sent to Calista.' + +'If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you +from the door.' + +'What! when I am come with my Calista's letters in my pocket, to +return them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten +Redmond Barry.' + +'What is it you would have of me, sir?' said the widow, rather +agitated. + +'Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,' I replied; and she +condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from +her chair to her drawing-room. + +When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + +'Dearest madam,' said I, 'do not let your cruelty drive a desperate +slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me +to whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me +from your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to +me. My flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the +punishment I have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I +may be compelled to administer to that unfortunate young man: so +sure as he marries you, madam, he dies.' + +'I do not recognise,' said the widow, 'the least right you have to +give the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least +understand your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me +and an Irish adventurer that should authorise this impertinent +intrusion?' + +'THESE have passed, madam,' said I,--'Calista's letters to Eugenio. +They may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You +may have only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless +Irish gentleman who adored and confided in you. But who will believe +the stories of your innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of +your own handwriting? Who will believe that you could write these +letters in the mere wantonness of coquetry, and not under the +influence of affection?' + +'Villain!' cried my Lady Lyndon, 'could you dare to construe out of +those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they +really bear?' + +'I will construe anything out of them,' said I; 'such is the passion +which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall +be mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and +fail? Which will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman +never knew from man before, or a hatred to which there exists no +parallel?' + +'A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an +adventurer like yourself,' replied the lady, drawing up stately. + +'Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of +that young man's wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your +savage cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder-- +yes, of his murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm +the husband who punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria +Lyndon, as my wife.' + +'Husband? wife, sir!' cried the widow, quite astonished. + +'Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom +coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You +would forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget +Eugenio; but I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle +with my heart, did you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for +ever. I love you--love as passionately now as I did when my passion +was hopeless; and, now that I can win you, do you think I will +forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you little know the power of your +own charms if you think their effect is so easily obliterated--you +little know the constancy of this pure and noble heart if you think +that, having once loved, it can ever cease to adore you. No! I swear +by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your wonderful beauty +that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, fascinating, +fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your wealth may +be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it +worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You +threw yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give +yourself now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your +rank may be, will enhance it and become it!' + +As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I +stood over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw +her turn red and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of +her charms and the exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to +her, and witnessed with triumphant composure the mastery I was +gaining over her. Terror, be sure of that, is not a bad ingredient +of love. A man who wills fiercely to win the heart of a weak and +vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have opportunity enough. + +'Terrible man!' said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had +done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of +another speech to make to her)--'terrible man! leave me.' + +I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. +'If she lets me into the house to-morrow,' said I, 'she is mine.' + +As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall- +porter, who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + +'It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,' said +I; 'you will have to do so often.' + +CHAPTER XVI + +I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + +The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was +refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I +had watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a +house opposite. + +'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, of +course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?' +'That I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. +'Your honour could tell that by my HACCENT.' + +I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish +family servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, +would probably fling the money in your face. + +'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through your +hands, don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. +There is a whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you +go to drink, and call for me by the name of Dermot.' + +'I recollect your honour at SPAR,' says the fellow, grinning: +'seven's the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of this +reminiscence, I bade my inferior adieu. + +I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, +except in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow +the examples of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for +the sake of a great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My +Lady Lyndon's letters were none the worse for being opened, and a +great deal the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of +some of her multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate +with her character in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by +which I was not slow to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my +English friend, whom I always regaled with the best of liquor, and +satisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I used to put +on a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it was +impossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I got +such an insight into the widow's movements as astonished her. I knew +beforehand to what public places she would go; they were, on account +of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church or +in the park, I was always ready to offer her her book, or to canter +on horseback by the side of her chariot. + +Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontades +that ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and +threw off a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. +To some of these female darlings she began presently to write about +my unworthy self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme +satisfaction I found at length that the widow was growing dreadfully +afraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her dark spirit, her +murderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative of her +extreme disquietude and terror. It was: 'The wretch has been dogging +my chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate pursued me at church,' +and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at the +mercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment of +awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a person from +whom escape was impossible. + +To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with +a number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in +those days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her +waiting-women, did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to +describe as her future husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, +Esquire. This incident disturbed her very much. She wrote about it +in terms of great wonder and terror to her female correspondents. +'Can this monster,' she wrote, 'indeed do as he boasts, and bend +even Fate to his will?--can he make me marry him though I cordially +detest him, and bring me a slave to his feet. The horrid look of his +black serpent-like eyes fascinates and frightens me: it seems to +follow me everywhere, and even when I close my own eyes, the +dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.' + +When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who +does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and +put myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my +glance,' as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her +former admirer, was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and +seemed determined to give up all claims to her favour; for he denied +her admittance when she called, sent no answer to her multiplied +correspondence, and contented himself by saying generally, that the +surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors or to answer letters. +Thus, while he went into the background, I came forward, and took +good care that no other rivals should present themselves with any +chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a quarrel +fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my first +victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling +with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no +scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might arise in +consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of these +duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two +together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch +for the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first +before they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first +three, not many champions were found to address the lady; and have +often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux +riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay- +mare and green liveries made their appearance. + +I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my +power, and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon +my honest cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his +affections, Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and +friend, Lady Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young +lady's brothers, who passed the season at Dublin, and made as much +swagger and to-do about their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had +had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no means averse to Mr. +Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men are, and how a +superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which to common +minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off +with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward +in Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it +would have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the +scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry +whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as +much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had not +been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view +for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of +Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these +rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy +heiress as their sister. + +Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of +Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at +Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son +the little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come +to the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, +the heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to +take the first opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + +For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a +former chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at +this period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the +name of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, +killed proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took +the law into their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them +for what I know, was commanded by a mysterious personage called +Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be that of marrying people +with or without their own consent, or that of their parents. The +Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year 1772) teem +with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards for +the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and +describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of +Hymen. I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate +of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in +possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She was no great +beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather than the +owner of it. + +On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent +the balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in +the custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause +for retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she +might be invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of +handsome suits of velvet, and by my influence procured him an +invitation to many of the most elegant of these assemblies. But he +had not had my advantages or experience of the manners of Court; was +as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance a minuet +than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in his +mistress's heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several +other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room +than poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress, +and felt his first flame for her, in her father's house of +Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk with the old +gentleman. + +'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving +a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it, +there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.' + +'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or +my name is not Redmond Barry.' + +My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished +noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a +gentleman who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of +knowing him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, +some few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this +entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy +for life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little +Lord Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was +agreed that he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my +old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in +which the party were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my +measures accordingly. + +Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not +sufficient to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, +and I had it given out three days previous that he had been arrested +for debt: a rumour which surprised nobody who knew him. + +I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, +that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a +grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a +jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly +predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, +and whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous +history. Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little +Bullingdon as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in +powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he +looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about with my sword by +his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely in a +domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate +enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy +a company of grenadiers. + +The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. +Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who +walked a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish +heiress may be called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead +my passion for Lady Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg +her friend's interference in my favour. + +It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House +went away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of +Lady Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in +talk, and unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be +alarmed to see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common +sight in those jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a +milksop unless he was occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her +carriage, with several other gentlemen: and, peering through the +crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, beggars, drunken men and women, +who used invariably to wait round great men's doors when festivities +were going on, saw the carriage drive off, with a hurrah from the +mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, where I talked +German, favoured the three or four topers still there with a High- +Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great +resolution. + +'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman. + +'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again +to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper +in silence. + +There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, +with whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I +called upon him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader +will be surprised at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it +was not I who went back to the party, but my late German valet, who +was of my size, and, dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for +me. We changed clothes in a hackney-coach that stood near Lady +Lyndon's chariot, and driving after it, speedily overtook it. + +The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's +affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep +rut in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, +springing off the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him +that a wheel was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with +only three. Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they +have since been by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the +linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it +possibly may have been extracted by some rogues among the crowd +before Lord Charlemont's gate. + +Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies +do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and +little Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said, +'Don't be afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The +young rascal had the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must +acknowledge, in spite of all my after quarrels with him. + +The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by +this time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped +down from his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to +enter his vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of +tiptop quality might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or +two, accepted by the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman +promising to drive them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet, +proposed to accompany his young master and the young lady; and the +coachman, who had a friend seemingly drunk by his side on the box, +with a grin told Thady to get up behind. However, as the footboard +there was covered with spikes, as a defence against the street-boys, +who love a ride gratis, Thady's fidelity would not induce him to +brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the wounded chariot, +for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin out of a +neighbouring hedge. + +Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the +party within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; +and what was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the +window at length, to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of +buildings or city. She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman +to stop; but the man only whipped the horses the faster for her +noise, and bade her Ladyship 'hould on--'twas a short cut he was +taking.' + +Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses +galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to +whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon +opening the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and +heels as he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little +sword, and, running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way, +gentlemen! stop the rascal!' + +'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with +extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the +carriage, having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was +going on. + +The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a +consultation, in which they looked at the young lord and laughed +considerably. + +'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of +my people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous +rascal, and, with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will +get in and see you home. We are well armed, and can defend you in +case of danger.' + +With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his +companion following him. + +'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: +'and give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself +before the huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the +hackney-coach. + +'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and +shoving him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew +out his little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded +him (for a small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his +opponent, who was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily +out of the lad's hands: it went flying over his head, and left him +aghast and mortified at his discomfiture. + +He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and +entered the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his +confederate, who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have +screamed; but I presume her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an +enormous horse-pistol which one of her champions produced, who said, +'No harm is intended you, ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag +you;' on which she suddenly became as mute as a fish. + +All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; +and when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, +the poor little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on +the heath, one of them putting his head out of the window, said,-- + +'My Lord, a word with you.' + +'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven +years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + +'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a +big stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you +get to the high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And +when you see her Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S +compliments, and say Miss Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.' + +'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady. + +The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left +alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was +fairly frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the +coach; but his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat +down upon a stone and cried for vexation. + +It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine +marriage. When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where +the ceremony was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first +declined to perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that +unfortunate preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that +his miserable brains would be blown out; when he consented to read +the service. The lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar +inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; for I drove +back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the bridal +party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German, +arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress, +having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there +according to my orders. + +Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping +silence as to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with +a dismal story of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and +bound, of having been left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow +cart, which was coming in with provisions to Dublin, and found him +helpless on the road. There was no possible means of fixing any +share of the conspiracy upon him. Little Bullingdon, who, too, found +his way home, was unable in any way to identify me. But Lady Lyndon +knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I met her hurrying the +next day to the Castle; all the town being up about the enlevement. +And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew she was +aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious scheme. + +Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early +days; and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a +deserving branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where +he lived with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was +blown over; the Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his +retreat. They did not for a while even know who was the lucky man +who had carried off the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter +some weeks afterwards, signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect +happiness in her new condition, and stating that she had been +married by Lady Lyndon's chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was +known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the transaction. +As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his post in +consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady Lyndon +was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship's passionate +attachment for me gained more and more credit. + +I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. +Every one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one +could prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed +Countess; though no one could show that I said so. But there is a +way of proving a thing even while you contradict it, and I used to +laugh and joke so apropos that all men began to wish me joy of my +great fortune, and look up to me as the affianced husband of the +greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took up the matter; the +female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!' +Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days were +very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a +beautiful and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest +possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a +young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who had distinguished +himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of Pr----. I won't +say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how two pictures, one +representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian Irishman,' and +the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' actually +appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, and +containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + +Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold +upon her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; +and who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your +humble servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the +Dublin Mercury, which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced +mine THE DAY BEFORE. There was not a soul but thought she had +followed me to England; whereas she was only flying me. Vain hope!-- +a man of my resolution was not thus to be balked in pursuit. Had she +fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: ay, and would have +followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice! + +Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid +than that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would +come thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took +handsome apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same +intelligence in her London house which I had procured in Dublin. The +same faithful porter was there to give me all the information I +required. I promised to treble his wages as soon as a certain event +should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a +hundred guineas down, and a promise of two thousand when I should be +married, and gained the favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a +bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far preceded me in +London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were eager to +receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age what +a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play +there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were +lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how brilliant, +gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes +of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed +close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant +time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and could +live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,' +'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry, +spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + +The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not +concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and +the young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my +intention to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or +to narrate all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my +triumphant manner of surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID +overcome these difficulties. I am of opinion, with my friend the +late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such impediments are nothing in the +way of a man of spirit; and that he can convert indifference and +aversion into love, if he have perseverance and cleverness +sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, I had +found means to be received into her house; I had her women +perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating +upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the +fashionable world. + +Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit +were the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the +service that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my +heartfelt thanks for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and +to whom I fling my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with +which they have subsequently pursued me. + +The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, +mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at +Dublin. This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in +London, waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse +for her encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause +more than six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a +half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded +her entire innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never +encouraged him!' screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage +the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a +dependant of yours to one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins? +When he set off for England, didn't you follow him like a mad woman +the very next day? Didn't he take lodgings at your very door almost-- +and do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You +might have married my son--my dear and noble George; but that he did +not choose to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly +upstart whom you caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I +have to give your Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which +you have contracted with this shameless adventurer; to make that +connection legal which, real as it is now, is against both decency +and religion; and to spare your family and your son the shame of +your present line of life.' + +With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady +Lyndon in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation +from her Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from it +in my favour. + +Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of +Lyndon's natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even +when Lady Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm +received her with such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow +came home and took to her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that +Royalty itself became an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the +plans of the poor Irish soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works +with agents, great and small; and by means over which they have no +control the destinies of men and women are accomplished. + +I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon's +favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, +indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very +instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the +promised sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word +with the woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant +interest--as soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. +Bridget by the hand, and said, "Madam, you have shown such +unexampled fidelity in my service that I am glad to reward you, +according to my promise; but you have given proofs of such +extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must decline +keeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg you will leave +it this very day:" which she did, and went over to the Tiptoff +faction, and has abused me ever since. + +But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was +the simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When +Lady Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it-- +shameful treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not your +Ladyship write this young gentleman word of the evil which he is +causing you? Appeal to his feelings (which, I have heard say, are +very good indeed--the whole town is ringing with accounts of his +spirit and generosity), and beg him to desist from a pursuit which +causes the best of ladies so much pain? Do, my Lady, write: I know +your style is so elegant that I, for my part, have many a time burst +into tears in reading your charming letters, and I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your feelings.' And, +of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + +'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistress +forthwith penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning +manner:--'Why, sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ me +in a web of intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, +seeing escape is hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art? +They say you are generous to others--be so to me. I know your +bravery but too well: exercise it on men who can meet your sword, +not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. Remember the +friendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, I +implore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies which +you have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you have +a spark of honour left, the miseries which you have caused to the +heart-broken + +'H. LYNDON.' + +What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in +person? My excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, +and accordingly I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I +repeated the scene at Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious +my power was, humble as I was, and that my energy was still untired. +'But,' I added, 'I am as great in good as I am in evil; as fond and +faithful as a friend as I am terrible as an enemy. I will do +everything,' I said, 'which you ask of me, except when you bid me +not to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart has a +pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battle +against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone can +end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at your +command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?' + +She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), +that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that +moment that she was mine. + +. . . . + +A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had +the honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of +Lyndon, widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. +The ceremony was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by the +Reverend Samuel Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supper +and ball was given at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next +morning I had a duke, four earls, three generals, and a crowd of the +most distinguished people in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a +lampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa- +Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had recommended it, was ready +to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as for young Bullingdon, +who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called upon by the +Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and said, +'HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's footmen +Papa!' + +But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old +woman, and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off a +flaming account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good +Chevalier; and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, +at thirty years of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself +to one of the highest social positions that any man in England could +occupy, I determined to enjoy myself as became a man of quality for +the remainder of my life. + +After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London-- +for in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they +seem to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most +handsome, sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our +estates in the West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. +We left London in three chariots, each with four horses; and my +uncle would have been pleased could he have seen painted on their +panels the Irish crown and the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the +Countess's coronet and the noble cognisance of the noble family of +Lyndon. + +Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permission +to add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward +assumed the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in +this autobiography. + +CHAPTER XVII + +I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient +of our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow +and sober state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. +An outrider in my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging +from town to town; and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, +and Exeter; and the fourth evening arrived in time for supper before +the antique baronial mansion, of which the gate was in an odious +Gothic taste that would have set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure. + +The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have +known couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of +their lives, peck each other's eyes out almost during the honeymoon. +I did not escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady +Lyndon chose to quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of +tobacco (the habit of smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a +soldier in Billow's, and could never give it over), and smoked it in +the carriage; and also her Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at +Ilminster and Andover, because in the evenings when we lay there I +chose to invite the landlords of the 'Bell' and the 'Lion' to crack +a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was a haughty woman, and I hate pride; +and I promise you that in both instances I overcame this vice in +her. On the third day of our journey I had her to light my pipematch +with her own hands, and made her deliver it to me with tears in her +eyes; and at the 'Swan Inn' at Exeter I had so completely subdued +her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not wish the landlady +as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To this I should +have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a very good- +looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, a +kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the +indulgence of my wife's request. I appeared with her at evening +service, to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name +down for twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the +famous new organ which was then being built for the cathedral. This +conduct, at the very outset of my career in the county, made me not +a little popular; and the residentiary canon, who did me the favour +to sup with me at the inn, went away after the sixth bottle, +hiccuping the most solemn vows for the welfare of such a p-p-pious +gentleman. + +Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles +of the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the +church bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in +their best by the roadside, and the school children and the +labouring people were loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I +flung money among these worthy characters, stopped to bow and chat +with his reverence and the farmers, and if I found that the +Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in the kingdom is it my +fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially would take in great +dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by my admiration +of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, than by any +previous speech or act of mine in the journey. 'Ah, ah, my fine +madam, you are jealous, are you?' thought I, and reflected, not +without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her +husband's lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves +give most cause for jealousy. + +Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a +band of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags +had been raised, especially before the attorney's and the doctor's +houses, who were both in the employ of the family. There were many +hundreds of stout people at the great lodge, which, with the park- +wall, bounds one side of Hackton Green, and from which, for three +miles, goes (or rather went) an avenue of noble elms up to the +towers of the old castle. I wished they had been oak when I cut the +trees down in '79, for they would have fetched three times the +money: I know nothing more culpable than the carelessness of +ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small value, when +they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said that +the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles +II.'s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds. + +For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably +spent in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to +pay their respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like +Bluebeard's wife in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the +furniture, and the numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old +place, built as far back as Henry V.'s time, besieged and battered +by the Cromwellians in the Revolution, and altered and patched up, +in an odious old-fashioned taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who +succeeded to the property at the death of a brother whose principles +were excellent and of the true Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself +chiefly by drinking, dicing, and a dissolute life, and a little by +supporting the King. The castle stands in a fine chase, which was +prettily speckled over with deer; and I can't but own that my +pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak parlour of +summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver plate +shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen +jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide +green park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the +lake, and hear the deer calling to one another. + +The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all +sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen +Bess's style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages +of the Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, +having had the place new-faced at a vast expense, under a +fashionable architect, and the facade laid out in the latest French- +Greek and most classical style. There had been moats, and +drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had shaved away into elegant +terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres according to the +plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian architect, who +visited England for the purpose. + +After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast +dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with +portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, +the great lawyer in Queen Bess's time, to the loose stomacher and +ringlets of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she +was a maid of honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir +Charles Lyndon, with his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my +Lady, painted by Hudson, in a white satin sack and the family +diamonds, as she was presented to the old King George II. These +diamonds were very fine: I first had them reset by Boehmer when we +appeared before their French Majesties at Versailles; and finally +raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal run of ill luck at +'Goosetree's,' when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called my Lord Sandwich), +Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for four-and-forty hours +SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads and hunting +implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have been worn +in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other old +ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace +where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much +in its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned +out and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with +china monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of +which the broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved +their antiquity: and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But +such was the taste of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my +agent), that thirty thousand pounds' worth of these gems of art only +went for three hundred guineas at a subsequent period, when I found +it necessary to raise money on my collections. + +From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of +state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer +Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards +rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the +magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There +were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in +their antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where +the murder was done in James II.'s time, the bed where William slept +after landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth's state-room. All the +rest were redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a +little to the scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers; +for I had pictures of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal +apartments, in which the Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner +so natural, that I recollect the old wizened Countess of Frumpington +pinning over the curtains of her bed, and sending her daughter, Lady +Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her waiting-woman, rather than +allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over with looking-glasses, +after the exact fashion of the Queen's closet at Versailles. + +For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as +Cornichon, whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my +buildings during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE +BLANCHE, and when he fell down and broke his leg, as he was +decorating a theatre in the room which had been the old chapel of +the castle, the people of the country thought it was a judgment of +Heaven upon him. In his rage for improvement the fellow dared +anything. Without my orders he cut down an old rookery which was +sacred in the country, and had a prophecy regarding it, stating, +'When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton Hall.' The rooks +went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near us (and be +hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and two +lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal's +adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids +in our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a +large oak stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of +which he did not comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he +would break his bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred +edifice. Cornichon made complaints about the 'Abbe Huff,' as he +called him. ('Et quel abbe, grand Dieu!' added he, quite bewildered, +'un abbe avec douze enfans'); but I encouraged the Church in this +respect, and bade Cornichon exert his talents only in the castle. + +There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I +added much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however +well furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which +I reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook +from the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and +venison department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by +the way, and complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet +him with COUPS DE POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an +Italian confectioner, as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural +appendages to a man of fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my +kinsman and neighbour, affected to view with horror; and he spread +through the country a report that I had my victuals cooked by +Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he verily believed, fricasseed +little children. + +But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old +Doctor Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and +turtle were most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to +conciliate, too, in other ways. There had been only a subscription +pack of fox-hounds in the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy +beagles, with which old Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built +a kennel and stables, which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a +manner which was worthy of my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two +packs of hounds, and took the field in the season four times a week, +with three gentlemen in my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house +at Hackton for all who belonged to the hunt. + +These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, +no small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base +spirit of economy in my composition which some people practise and +admire. For instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to +repair his father's extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good +deal of the money with which he paid off his mortgages my agent +procured upon mine. And, besides, it must be remembered I had only a +life-interest upon the Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper +in dealing with the money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for +insuring her Ladyship's life. + +At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan +Lyndon I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what +more had I to leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his +mother entailed upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and +whom, by the way, I have not mentioned as yet, though he was living +at Hackton, consigned to a new governor. The insubordination of that +boy was dreadful. He used to quote passages of 'Hamlet' to his +mother, which made her very angry. Once when I took a horsewhip to +chastise him, he drew a knife, and would have stabbed me: and, +'faith, I recollected my own youth, which was pretty similar; and, +holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and proposed to him to be +friends. We were reconciled for that time, and the next, and the +next; but there was no love lost between us, and his hatred for me +seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + +I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to +this end cut down twelve thousand pounds' worth of timber on Lady +Lyndon's Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding +Bullingdon's guardian, Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had +no right to touch a stick of the trees; but down they went; and I +commissioned my mother to repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry +and Barryogue, which had once formed part of the immense possessions +of my house. These she bought back with excellent prudence and +extreme joy; for her heart was gladdened at the idea that a son was +born to my name, and with the notion of my magnificent fortunes. + +To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very +different sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest +she should come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends +by her bragging and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and +furbelows of the time of George II.: in which she had figured +advantageously in her youth, and which she still fondly thought to +be at the height of the fashion. So I wrote to her, putting off her +visit; begging her to visit us when the left wing of the castle was +finished, or the stables built, and so forth. There was no need of +such precaution. 'A hint's enough for me, Redmond,' the old lady +would reply. 'I am not coming to disturb you among your great +English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It's a blessing to +me to think that my darling boy has attained the position which I +always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to educate +him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother may +kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship +his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she +couldn't have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the +Barrys and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood +in their veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of +Ballybarry, and my grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.' + +How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my +mother's mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had +also been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don't mind +confessing that I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my +signature, under the names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had +determined with my usual impetuosity to carry my point. My mother +went and established herself at Ballybarry, living with the priest +there until a tenement could be erected, and dating from 'Ballybarry +Castle;' which, you may be sure, I gave out to be a place of no +small importance. I had a plan of the estate in my study, both at +Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the plans of the elevation of +Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of Barry Lyndon, Esq., +with the projected improvements, in which the castle was represented +as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to the +architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I +purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the +map looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of +this estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr. +Barry Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain +Pigeon, the city merchant's son, who had just come in for his +property. At for the Polwellan estate and mines, 'the cause of +endless litigation,' it must be owned that our hero purchased them; +but he never paid more than the first L5000 of the purchase-money. +Hence the litigation of which he complains, and the famous Chancery +suit of 'Trecothick v. Lyndon,' in which Mr. John Scott greatly +distinguished himself.-ED.] + +I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan +estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000-- +an imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much +dispute and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of +agents, the quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us +great men, and fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in +the course of my prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest +fortune, and envied the boon companions at my table, with no clothes +to their backs but such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea +but what came from my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares +and responsibilities which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and +property. + +I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of +my estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those +persons who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking +my fitting place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I +had small inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the +genteeler and more complete pleasures of English and Continental +life; and we passed our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, +while Hackton Castle was being beautified in the elegant manner +already described by me, and the season at our mansion in Berkeley +Square. + +It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues +of a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and +brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when +the individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I +assure you it was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of +the first class; made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in +Pall Mall and afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style, +equipages, and elegant entertainments were in everybody's mouth, and +were described in all the morning prints. The needier part of Lady +Lyndon's relatives, and such as had been offended by the intolerable +pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to appear at our routs and +assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I found in London and +Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins who claimed +affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own country +(of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits from +three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace +and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in +London; from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places, +whom I soon speedily let to know their place; and from others of +more reputable condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the +Lord Kilbarry, who, on the score of his relationship, borrowed +thirty pieces from me to pay his landlady in Swallow Street; and +whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to maintain and credit a +connection for which the Heralds' College gave no authority +whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, and +paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was +under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of +his cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + +Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in +London. She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; +being a great friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a +taste for the domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at +home with her ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; +admitted three or four proper and discreet persons to accompany her +to her box at the opera or play on proper occasions; and indeed +declined for her the too frequent visits of her friends and family, +preferring to receive them only twice or thrice in a season on our +grand reception days. Besides, she was a mother, and had great +comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling our little Bryan, +for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the pleasures and +frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the duty of every +family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the truth, Lady +Lyndon's figure and appearance were not at this time such as to make +for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable +world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in +complexion, careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her +conversations with me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly +blundering attempt at forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable: +hence our intercourse was but trifling, and my temptations to carry +her into the world, or to remain in her society, of necessity +exceedingly small. She would try my temper at home, too, in a +thousand ways. When requested by me (often, I own, rather roughly) +to entertain the company with conversation, wit, and learning, of +which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was an accomplished +performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and leave the +room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant over +her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly, +bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady. + +She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had +a wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums +or fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and +repeatedly, at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own +original poverty and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she +pretended to have the upper hand, to assert her authority against +mine, to refuse to sign such papers as I might think necessary for +the distribution of our large and complicated property, I would have +Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick for a couple of days; and I +warrant me his lady-mother could hold out no longer, and would agree +to anything I chose to propose. The servants about her I took care +should be in my pay, not hers: especially the child's head nurse was +under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very handsome, red- +cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made me make of +myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the poor- +spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and if +I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited +us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find +means to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always +made a fool of by some woman or other, and this one had such an +influence over me that she could turn me round her finger. +[Footnote: From these curious confessions, it would appear that Mr. +Lyndon maltreated his lady in every possible way; that he denied her +society, bullied her into signing away her property, spent it in +gambling and taverns, was openly unfaithful to her; and, when she +complained, threatened to remove her children from her. Nor, indeed, +is he the only husband who has done the like, and has passed for +'nobody's enemy but his own:' a jovial good-natured fellow. The +world contains scores of such amiable people; and, indeed, it is +because justice has not been done them that we have edited this +autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of romance--one of +those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott and James-- +there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a personage +already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon is +not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader +look round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life +as honest men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just +that the lives of this class should be described by the student of +human nature as well as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, +those perfect impossible heroes, whom our writers love to describe? +There is something naive and simple in that time-honoured style of +novel-writing by which Prince Prettyman, at the end of his +adventures, is put in possession of every worldly prosperity, as he +has been endowed with every mental and bodily excellence previously. +The novelist thinks that he can do no more for his darling hero than +make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, of the summum +bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; perhaps not +even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be rewards and +conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which all of +us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for an +essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the +candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + +Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade's name) and my wife's +moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I +was driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at +every club, tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to +resume my old habit, and to commence as an amateur those games at +which I was once unrivalled in Europe. But whether a man's temper +changes with prosperity, or his skill leaves him when, deprived of a +confederate, and pursuing the game no longer professionally, he +joins in it, like the rest of the world, for pastime, I know not; +but certain it is, that in the seasons of 1774-75 I lost much money +at 'White's' and the 'Cocoa-Tree,' and was compelled to meet my +losses by borrowing largely upon my wife's annuities, insuring her +Ladyship's life, and so forth. The terms at which I raised these +necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my improvements were, +of course, very onerous, and clipped the property considerably; and +it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who was of a +narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: until +I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown. + +My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my +history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure +in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled +in almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could +ride a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the +English noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay +Bulow, by Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket +stakes, for which he was the first favourite, I found that a noble +earl, who shall be nameless, had got into his stable the morning +before he ran; and the consequence was that an outside horse won, +and your humble servant was out to the amount of fifteen thousand +pounds. Strangers had no chance in those days on the heath: and, +though dazzled by the splendour and fashion assembled there, and +surrounded by the greatest persons of the land,--the royal dukes, +with their wives and splendid equipages; old Grafton, with his queer +bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, Sandwich, Lorn,--a man +might have considered himself certain of fair play and have been not +a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I promise you, that, +exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe who knew how to +rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe a jockey, to +doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ couldn't +stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest families +in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? I +know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both +my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched +crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I +trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and +not to keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man +to effect the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the +latter case: indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes +which finally befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been +written about the year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had +selected for the author at the close of his life.] + +I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth +must be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and +patron among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low +birth, and have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a +laced coat; as all must have remarked who have frequented their +society. Mr. Reynolds, who was afterwards knighted, and certainly +the most elegant painter of his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier +of the wit tribe; and it was through this gentleman, who painted a +piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and our little Bryan, which was greatly +admired at the Exhibition (I was represented as quitting my wife, in +the costume of the Tippleton Yeomanry, of which I was major; the +child starting back from my helmet like what-d'ye-call'im--Hector's +son, as described by Mr. Pope in his 'Iliad'); it was through Mr. +Reynolds that I was introduced to a score of these gentlemen, and +their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought their great chief a +great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my house, misbehaving +himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no more respect than +those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my horses and tailors, +and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch bear-leader, Mr. +Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw such a figure +as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, at one of Mrs. +Cornely's balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that the stories +connected with that same establishment are not the most profitable +tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer doings +there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, +from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver +Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the +Bird of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer +characters, who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that +afterwards was hanged for killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his +Reverence Doctor Simony, whom my friend Sam Foote, of the 'Little +Theatre,' bade to live even after forgery and the rope cut short the +unlucky parson's career. + +It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that's the truth. +I'm writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly +more moral and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the +last century, when the world was young with me. There was a +difference between a gentleman and a common fellow in those times. +We wore silk and embroidery then. Now every man has the same +coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped coat, and there is no +outward difference between my Lord and his groom. Then it took a man +of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, and he could show +some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a blaze of splendour +was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! What sums of money +were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My gilt curricle and +out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very different objects +from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with the stunted +grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as the +milksops nowadays can swallow; but 'tis useless expatiating on this +theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon +your soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I +think of thirty years ago. + +This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy +and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way +of adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and +easy. It would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every- +day occupations of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled +upon him, the dresses he wore, the matches he played, and won or +lost. At this period of time, when youngsters are employed cutting +the Frenchmen's throats in Spain and France, lying out in bivouacs, +and feeding off commissariat beef and biscuit, they would not +understand what a life their ancestors led; and so I shall leave +further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when even the +Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not +subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat +in his native island. + +Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house, +from an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek +temple, or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic +appearance to be adapted to the most genteel French style--my child +growing up at his mother's knees, and my influence in the country +increasing,--it must not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all +this while, and that I neglected to make visits to London, and my +various estates in England and Ireland. + +I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, +where I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging +chicanery; I passed over in state to our territories in Ireland, +where I entertained the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant +himself could not equal; gave the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it +was a beggarly savage city in those days; and, since the time there +has been a pother about the Union, and the misfortunes attending it, +I have been at a loss to account for the mad praises of the old +order of things, which the fond Irish patriots have invented); I say +I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to me, for a poor +place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may say. + +In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was the +Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, half- +civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say +half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, +unshorn, and in rags. The most public places were not safe after +nightfall. The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry's +houses were splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but +the people were in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever +known: the exercise of their religion was only half allowed to them; +their clergy were forced to be educated out of the country; their +aristocracy was quite distinct from them; there was a Protestant +nobility, and in the towns, poor insolent Protestant corporations, +with a bankrupt retinue of mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers +--all of whom figured in addresses and had the public voice in the +country; but there was no sympathy and connection between the upper +and the lower people of the Irish. To one who had been bred so much +abroad as myself, this difference between Catholic and Protestant +was doubly striking; and though as firm as a rock in my own faith, +yet I could not help remembering my grandfather held a different +one, and wondering that there should be such a political difference +between the two. I passed among my neighbours for a dangerous +leveller, for entertaining and expressing such opinions, and +especially for asking the priest of the parish to my table at Castle +Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated at Salamanca, and, to my mind, +a far better bred and more agreeable companion than his comrade the +rector, who had but a dozen Protestants for his congregation; who +was a lord's son, to be sure, but he could hardly spell, and the +great field of his labours was in the kennel and cockpit. + +I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had +done our other estates, but contented myself with paying an +occasional visit there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and +keeping open house during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, +the widow Brady, and her six unmarried daughters (although they +always detested me), permission to inhabit the place; my mother +preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + +And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall +and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a +proper governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to +take care of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the +old ladies if he were so minded, and thereby imitate his +stepfather's example. When tired of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was +at liberty to go and reside at my house with my mamma; but there was +no love lost between him and her, and, on account of my son Bryan, I +think she hated him as cordially as ever I myself could possibly do. + +The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of +Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter +possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a +few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income +by returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the +influence with Ministers which these seats gave him. The +parliamentary interest of the house of Lyndon had been grossly +neglected during my wife's minority, and the incapacity of the Earl +her father; or, to speak more correctly, it had been smuggled away +from the Lyndon family altogether by the adroit old hypocrite of +Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and guardians do by their +wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess of Tiptoff +returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of +Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our +estate of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For +time out of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until +Tiptoff, taking advantage of the late lord's imbecility, put in his +own nominees. When his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord +was to take his seat for Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who +made his fortune under Clive in India) died, the Marquess thought +fit to bring down his second son, my Lord George Poynings, to whom I +have introduced the reader in a former chapter, and determined, in +his high mightiness, that he too should go in and swell the ranks of +the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom the Marquess acted. + +Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his +demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing +health had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who +were staunch Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord +Tiptoff's principles as dangerous and ruinous, 'We have been looking +out for a man to fight against him,' said the squires to me; 'we can +only match Tiptoff out of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our +man, and at the next county election we will swear to bring you in.' + +I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any +election. They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to +receive those who visited us; they kept the women of the county from +receiving my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my +profligacy and extravagance with which the neighbourhood was +entertained; they said I had frightened my wife into marriage, and +that she was a lost woman; they hinted that Bullingdon's life was +not secure under my roof, that his treatment was odious, and that I +wanted to put him out of the way to make place for Bryan my son. I +could scarce have a friend to Hackton, but they counted the bottles +drunk at my table. They ferreted out my dealings with my lawyers and +agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every item of his bill was known +at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer's daughter, it was said I +had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, and as a domestic +character, I can't boast of any particular regularity or temper; but +Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable people do, +and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I am a man +full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious +backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three +years I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung +the carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present +can testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the +poor lad, I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and +one's inclinations are not in one's power), I am guilty of no evil +towards him. + +I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and +am not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a +Whig, or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the +haughtiest men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the +great Earl used to treat them--after he came to a coronet himself-- +as so many low vassals, who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. +When the Tippleton mayor and corporation waited upon him, he +received them covered, never offered Mr. Mayor a chair, but retired +when the refreshments were brought, or had them served to the +worshipful aldermen in the steward's room. These honest Britons +never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed to do so by +my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the course +of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who +are not of their way of thinking. + +It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their +degradation. I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a +very buxom pretty groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my +wife, and drove them both out to the races in my curricle. Lady +Lyndon fought very hard against this condescension; but I had a way +with her, as the saying is, and though she had a temper, yet I had a +better one. A temper, psha! A wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper +can get the better of it; and I know very few women in the world +whom I could not master. + +Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for +their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending +their assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going +through, in short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on +such occasions: and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, +yet his head was so much in the clouds, that he never once +condescended to imagine his dynasty could be overthrown in his own +town of Tippleton, and issued his mandates as securely as if he had +been the Grand Turk, and the Tippletonians no better than so many +slaves of his will. + +Every post which brought us any account of Rigby's increasing +illness, was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that +my friends of the hunt used to laugh and say, 'Rigby's worse; +there's a corporation dinner at Hackton.' + +It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into +Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days +used to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of +Peers against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a +great philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion +of the rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British +patriotism, he could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would +have sworn black was white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he +made his son give up his commission in the Guards, in imitation of +my Lord Pitt, who resigned his ensigncy rather than fight against +what he called his American brethren. + +But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in +England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our +people hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the +fight of Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker's Hill (as we +used to call it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual +hot-headed anger. The talk was all against the philosophers after +that, and the people were most indomitably loyal. It was not until +the land-tax was increased, that the gentry began to grumble a +little; but still my party in the West was very strong against the +Tiptoffs, and I determined to take the field and win as usual. + +The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which +are requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the +corporation and freeholders his intention of presenting his son, +Lord George, and his desire that the latter should be elected their +burgess; but he scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the +devotedness of his adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged +every tavern in Tippleton in my behalf. + +There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an +election. I rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord +Tiptoff and his son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of +satisfaction, too, in forcing my wife (who had been at one time +exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, as I have already related) to +take part against him, and to wear and distribute my colours when +the day of election came. And when we spoke at one another, I told +the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in love, that I had beaten +him in war, and that I would now beat him in Parliament; and so I +did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible anger of the old +Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of Parliament +for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and I +threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his +seats, and went to attend my duties in Parliament. + +It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish +peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + +CHAPTER XVIII + +MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + +And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history +immoral (for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never +deserved that so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will +beg those cavillers to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my +adventures; when they will see it was no such great prize that I had +won, and that wealth, splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a +seat in Parliament, are often purchased at too dear a rate, when one +has to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal liberty, and +saddled with the charge of a troublesome wife. + +They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. +No man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the +burthen of one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and +strengthens from year to year, and the courage becomes weaker to +bear it; so that that trouble which seemed light and trivial the +first year, becomes intolerable ten years after. I have heard of one +of the classical fellows in the dictionary who began by carrying a +calf up a hill every day, and so continued until the animal grew to +be a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his shoulders; +but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very +much harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfield +and, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the 'Memoirs of +Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in vain. Not that my Lady +was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed to +have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, crying, +melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: do +what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in good- +humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural +in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement +and companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all +her other faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest +attention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and +wring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know not +what. + +Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of +common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon +(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to +become my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every +penny of the property, and I should have been left considerably +poorer even than when I married the widow: for I spent my personal +fortune as well as the lady's income in the keeping up of our rank, +and was always too much a man of honour and spirit to save a penny +of Lady Lyndon's income. Let this be flung in the teeth of my +detractors, who say I never could have so injured the Lyndon +property had I not been making a private purse for myself; and who +believe that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards of +gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when I +choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but I +spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal +obligations for money, which all went to the common stock. +Independent of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself +at least one hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while +in occupancy of my wife's estate; so that I may justly say that +property is indebted to me in the above-mentioned sum. + +Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which +speedily took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and +although I took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and +above-board) to disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such +a mean spirit, that she pursued me with her regard in spite of my +indifference to her, and would kindle up at the smallest kind word I +spoke to her. The fact is, between my respected reader and myself, +that I was one of the handsomest and most dashing young men of +England in those days, and my wife was violently in love with me; +and though I say it who shouldn't, as the phrase goes, my wife was +not the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion of +the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I have +often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James's +grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; the +cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex, +and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish +creatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or +illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat +of any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my +breeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to +dislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she +was governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last +day of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, +if I addressed her a single kind word. + +'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND, +if you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the +most easy creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have +signed away her whole property, had it been possible. And, I must +confess, it was with very little attention on my part that I could +bring her into good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at +Ranelagh, to attend her to church at St. James's, to purchase any +little present or trinket for her, was enough to coax her. Such is +female inconsistency! The next day she would be calling me 'Mr. +Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that she ever +should have been united to such a monster. So it was she was pleased +to call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty's three +kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more flattering +opinion of me. + +Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the +person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't know +why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and +never bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his +education. + +It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union +between me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I +could propose in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof, +and no expense she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means +be shown to tend to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were +administered, and in high places too,--so near the royal person of +His Majesty, that you would be astonished were I to mention what +great personages condescended to receive our loans. I got from the +English and Irish heralds a description and detailed pedigree of the +Barony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my +ancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the Viscounty of +Ballybarry. 'This head would become a coronet,' my Lady would +sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and, +indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships' house who +has neither my presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of my +merits. + +The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of the +most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made +unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and +diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased +pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated +entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the +Royal person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the +Royal Dukes His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be +forgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not be +deficient in loyalty to my Sovereign. + +The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is +that old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of +Crabs. This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's +closet, and one with whom the revered monarch was on terms of +considerable intimacy. A close regard had sprung up between them in +the old King's time; when His Royal Highness, playing at battledore +and shuttlecock with the young lord on the landing-place of the +great staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation the Prince of +Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke his leg. +The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence caused him to ally +himself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when His +Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom the +Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poor +and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him on +the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal, +Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost +immediately to a place about His Majesty's person. + +It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly +intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself +in town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was +really one of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a +sincere pleasure in his company; besides the interesting desire I +had in cultivating the society of a man who was so near the person +of the highest personage in the realm. + +To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any +appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for +instance, of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before +poor Charley himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the +Howes were coming back from America, and who was to succeed to the +command there. Not to multiply instances, it was upon this person +that I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my claim to +the Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to get. + +One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine +entailed upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of +infantry from the Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, +which I offered to my gracious Sovereign for the campaign against +the American rebels. These troops, superbly equipped and clothed, +were embarked at Portsmouth in the year 1778; and the patriotism of +the gentleman who had raised them was so acceptable at Court, that, +on being presented by my Lord North, His Majesty condescended to +notice me particularly, and said, 'That's right, Mr. Lyndon, raise +another company; and go with them, too!' But this was by no means, +as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty thousand +pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar: +and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friend +Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet of +horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which +could fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he +received news that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, +and had left him five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied +for leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve of a general +action, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: except +against an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged in +such a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that it +was from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not from +cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms. + +When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now +sixteen years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I +would have gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but +his guardian, Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused +his permission, and the lad's military inclinations were balked. If +he could have gone on the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an +end to him, I believe, to tell the truth, I should not have been +grieved over-much; and I should have had the pleasure of seeing my +other son the heir to the estate which his father had won with so +much pains. + +The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of +the loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He +was of so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had +the least regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, +was so moody and dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon +him, and left him for the most part to shift for himself. For two +whole years he remained in Ireland away from us; and when in +England, we kept him mainly at Hackton, never caring to have the +uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in the capital in which +we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the contrary, was the most +polite and engaging child ever seen: it was a pleasure to treat him +with kindness and distinction; and before he was five years old, the +little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and good breeding. + +In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his +parents bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished +upon him in every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with +the English nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife +had been so jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who +had lived with families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of +course, must set my Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this +young woman my little rogue learned to chatter French most +charmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear the dear +rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little foot, +and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trente +mille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early age +he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drink +his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse would +teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vade +and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such of his +hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise +you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the +society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did +not encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady +Lyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious +narrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever +any of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make +their appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief +pleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryan +dance, sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as +to scare the old frumps. + +I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes +of a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach +little Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes +allowed the boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French +songs from him, which their mother, a poor soul who understood +pickles and custards much better than French, used fondly to +encourage them in singing; but which their father one day hearing, +he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for a week, +and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his brothers +and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would act +as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the old +parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold him +down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friend +Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverence +forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldest +son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the +succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of +bestowing on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical +air, which I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would +not have his children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a +bishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with +Latin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. 'I do so with +regret,' added the old gentleman, 'for I have received so many +kindnesses from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to be +disunited from them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence of +my separation from you, and my being hence-forward unable to bring +to your notice instances of distress and affliction; which, when +they were known to you, I will do you the justice to say, your +generosity was always prompt to relieve.' + +There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was +perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, +from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; +but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share +in causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I +know that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of +Bryan's gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest +French fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the +rectory but you would see the girls of the family turn out in new +sacks or mantles the Sunday after. + +I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on +Sundays during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for +Bryan, and a chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to +be separated from the women's society and guardianship. His English +nurse I married to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his +French gouvernante I bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not +forgetting the dowry in the latter instance; and they set up a +French dining-house in Soho, and I believe at the time I write they +are richer in the world's goods than their generous and free-handed +master. + +For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund +Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was +in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other +qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to +our society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun +there. He was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most +admirable and martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men +who would rather be kicked by a great man than not be noticed by +him; and I have often put his wig into the fire in the face of the +company, when he would laugh at the joke as well as any man there. +It was a delight to put him on a high-mettled horse, and send him +after the hounds,--pale, sweating, calling on us, for Heaven's sake, +to stop, and holding on for dear life by the mane and the crupper. +How it happened that the fellow was never killed I know not; but I +suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck will be broke. He never +met with any accident, to speak of, in our hunting-matches: but you +were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his place at the bottom of +the table making the punch, whence he would be carried off fuddled +to bed before the night was over. Many a time have Bryan and I +painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a haunted +room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we let +loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his +boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled +his sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; +and at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by +being allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in +the society of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with +which he talked about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a +servitor: and a servitor at a small college,' he would say. 'How +COULD you, my dear sir, think of giving the reversion of Hackton to +such a low-bred creature?' + +I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I +mean the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, +under the guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle +Lyndon; and great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, +and prodigious the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With +all her oddities, the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of +all our possessions; the rents were excellently paid, the charges of +getting them in smaller than they would have been under the +management of any steward. It was astonishing what small expenses +the good widow incurred; although she kept up the dignity of the TWO +families, as she would say. She had a set of domestics to attend +upon the young lord; she never went out herself but in an old gilt +coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the furniture and +gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits to +Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good condition +as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half as +many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine condition +as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with +scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the +parks, and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she +supplied I don't know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the +fruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the +highest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as +there used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was no +consumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water, +and saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of the +girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with her +husband had spent almost all their property, and who came to see me +once in London, looking very old, fat, and slatternly, with two +dirty children at her side. She wept very much when she saw me, +called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, and +begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through my +friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the +passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a +dirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, +could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. +But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through life +her constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances of +my generous and faithful disposition. + +Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she +was concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts +she sent me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart +considerable pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He +would absent himself for weeks from the house on sporting or other +expeditions. He was when at home silent and queer, refusing to make +my mother's game at piquet of evenings, but plunging into all sorts +of musty old books, with which he muddled his brains; more at ease +laughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in the servants' +hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always cutting jibes +and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow woman +at repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life of +insubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegrace +took to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish-- +a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain-- +rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentleman +of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day. + +Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should +act towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through +life, it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn +and abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my +French body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission +to bring the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was +that he had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in +Ireland with his Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my +mother had a violent quarrel on the very last day; that, on the +contrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very +sorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and visit the +rector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old Pharisee, +inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote me +a letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young imp +of perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was no +love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable to +the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularity +among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping round the +gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant +savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and +some went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and +appear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It +was with considerable difficulty that some of these people could be +kept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their +young lord to England. + +To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a +manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and +appearance betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the +very portrait of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, +whose pictures hung in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was +fond of spending the chief part of his time, occupied with the musty +old books which he took out of the library, and which I hate to see +a young man of spirit poring over. Always in my company he preserved +the most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful demeanour; which was +so much the more disagreeable because there was nothing in his +behaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: although +his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highest +degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on his +arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it. +He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, +when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me +full in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I +believe;' turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of +the weather to his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.' +She was angry at this pert bearing, and, when they were alone, +rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his father. + +'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was the +Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten +him, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at +once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy +well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms +of friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me +for my after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my +shoulders the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my +temper, and my subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he +began the quarrel, and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued +were entirely of his creating. + +As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family +to exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no +question about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to +close quarters with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival +among us, upon his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of +him, I had him conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This +process, I confess, at first agitated me a good deal, for I had +never laid a whip on a lord before; but I got speedily used to the +practice, and his back and my whip became so well acquainted, that I +warrant there was very little CEREMONY between us after a while. + +If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and +brutal conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His +perseverance in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in +correcting him: for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his +duty as a parent, can't be flogging his children all day, or for +every fault they commit: and though I got the character of being so +cruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my word I spared him correction +when he merited it many more times than I administered it. Besides, +there were eight clear months in the year when he was quit of me, +during the time of my presence in London, at my place in Parliament, +and at the Court of my Sovereign. + +At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the +Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a +considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a +quarrel between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the +young rebel would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that +the parson was a pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once +he led the boy back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him +into my presence, although he had vowed never to enter the doors in +my lifetime again, and said, 'He had brought his Lordship to +acknowledge his error, and submit to any punishment I might think +proper to inflict.' Upon which I caned him in the presence of two or +three friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking at the time; +and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment without +wincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not too +severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of the +clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I thought +proper. + +Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish my +Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, +and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to +the delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump +him, thump him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's +content; who never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but +contented himself by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings +to me, his natural protector and guardian. + +With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He +took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw +that darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was +'half a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the +dear angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have +held my hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + +With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any +communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why +should he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it +will give the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness +of the lad's character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It +has been made a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him +the education befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college +or to school; but the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went +to neither. He had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see +as little of his impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly +declined; and, for a long time, I could not make out what was the +charm which kept him in a house where he must have been far from +comfortable. + +It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent +disputes between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she +was wrong, sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very +angelical tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and +when in that condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps +I DID, in this state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or +two at her, and call her by a few names that were not complimentary. +I may have threatened her life (which it was obviously my interest +not to take), and have frightened her, in a word, considerably. + +After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the +galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it +appears Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I +came up with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which +were not very steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, +took her into his own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he +would never leave the house as long as she continued united with me. +I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was +the occasion of it; I was taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by +my servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had no more +recollection of what had occurred any more than of what happened +when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of the +circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me to +plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges of +cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my +detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless +ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and +stepfather after dinner. + +This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but +their characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of +me ever to allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew +up to be a man, his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite +wicked to think of (and which I promise you I returned with +interest): and it was at the age of sixteen, I think, that the +impudent young hangdog, on my return from Parliament one summer, and +on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me to understand that he +would submit to no farther chastisement from me, and said, grinding +his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I looked +at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave up +that necessary part of his education. + +It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve +in America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over +the Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to +propagate the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that +precious young scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I +actually wished to get rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign +was actually construed into a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on +Bullingdon's life; and it was said that I had raised the American +corps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to command +it, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had not +fixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was ordered +to despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was to +give him for this delicate piece of service. + +But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment +of my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be +brought to pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY +aid in sending him into the other world; but had a happy knack of +finding the way thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. +In truth, he began upon this way early: of all the violent, daring, +disobedient scapegraces that ever caused an affectionate parent +pain, he was certainly the most incorrigible; there was no beating +him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + +For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into +the room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would +begin his violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + +'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, +'what a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would +then have a worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of +the illustrious blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, +Mr. Barry Lyndon?' He always chose the days when company, or the +clergy or gentry of the neighbourhood, were present, to make these +insolent speeches to me. + +Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand ball +and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his +appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court- +suit you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now +to think of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was +a great crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his +half-brother, who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe +it?) in his stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, +paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he +fits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young +reprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other and to +titter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with great +dignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, 'From the manner +in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I would +have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother's +affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the +apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once. + +At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it +was in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost +all patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his +saddle with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, +sprang down to it myself, and administered such a correction across +the young caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might +have ended in his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my +passion was up, and I was in a state to do murder or any other +crime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, where he lay for a day +or two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation as from the +chastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on sending +to inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at table, +a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. The +young villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in the +following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:-- + +'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure the +ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to +your bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general +brutality of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him +so long as I have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is +unworthy of, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards your +Ladyship; his brutal and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open +infidelity, his habits of extravagance, intoxication, his shameless +robberies and swindling of my property and yours. It is these +insults to you which shock and annoy me, more than the ruffian's +infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by your Ladyship as I +promised, but you seem to have taken latterly your husband's part; +and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred ruffian, who, to +our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and as I cannot +bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible +society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my native +country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. I +possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some +feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. +Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if +they receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, +knowing you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to +rob on the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for +myself more honourable than that by which the penniless Irish +adventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and home.' + +This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours +vowed that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; +though I declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after +reading the above infamous letter, was to have the author within a +good arm's length of me, that I might let him know my opinion +regarding him. But there was no eradicating this idea from people's +minds, who insisted that I wanted to kill Bullingdon; whereas +murder, as I have said, was never one of my evil qualities: and even +had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, common prudence +would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to ruin his own +way. + +It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young +truant; but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the +pleasure of being able to refute some of the murderous calumnies +which had been uttered against me, by producing a bill with +Bullingdon's own signature, drawn from General Tarleton's army in +America, where my company was conducting itself with the greatest +glory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. There were +some of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all sorts +of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that I +would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon's; old +Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill was +a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter to +her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New York +at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival +given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished +chieftains, the two Howes. + +In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have +been received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now +followed me in town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death, +be sure,' exclaimed one of my friends. 'And then his wife's will +follow,' added another. 'He will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third; +and so on. Lavender brought me the news of these scandals about me: +the country was up against me. The farmers on market-days used to +touch their hats sulkily, and get out of my way; the gentlemen who +followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and left off my +uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan Capermore, +and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the marquis, +as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, and +we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing +which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I +had too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult +towards me; so we danced with some of the very commonest low people +at the bottom of the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, +attorneys, and such scum as are allowed to attend our public +assemblies. + +The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to the +palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon +me which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and +honourable gentleman. + +My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, +was scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at +St. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord +Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, +'Sir, my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your +Majesty's crown in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should +send another regiment to aid him?' On which the King turned on his +heel, and I made my bow out of the presence-chamber. When Lady +Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the drawing-room, I found that +precisely the same question had been put to her Ladyship; and she +came home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered to +her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, in +favour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptly +to Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stay +amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short; +for the French Government, which had been long tampering with the +American rebels, now openly acknowledged the independence of the +United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we happy English +were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one or two fair +ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a gentleman +can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. The +Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon +public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and +our dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments +which rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + +I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good +uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with +strong intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had +gone into retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into +the world again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen +desperately in love in his old age with a French actress, who had +done, as most ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and +laughed at him. His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance +of Messieurs of the Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts +towards religion; and his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked +in what I could relieve him, was to pay a handsome fee to the +convent into which he proposed to enter. + +This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding +me to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I +parted rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to +make his old days comfortable. + +I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the +Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming +figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and +furniture bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and +was forced to meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the +money-lenders, by pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that +graceless little Rosemont wheedled me out of some of them), and by a +thousand other schemes for raising money. But when Honour is in the +case, was I ever found backward at her call: and what man can say +that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay? + +As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on +my return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that +rascal Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more +influence to get me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's +tiara. The Sovereign was not a whit more gracious to me on returning +from the Continent than he had been before my departure; and I had +it from one of the aides-de-camp of the Royal Dukes his brothers, +that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been odiously +misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject of +Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies, +actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms. +I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heard +these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord North +at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being +allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the +imputations against me, to point out my services to the Government +in voting with them, and to ask when the reward that had been +promised to me--viz., the title held by my ancestors--was again to +be revived in my person? + +There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the +most provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from +him. He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long +violent speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing +Street, and gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he +opened one eye, smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my +replying in the affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer +you, point by point. The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, +as you know. Your claims, as you call them, HAVE been laid before +him, and His Majesty's gracious reply was, that you were the most +impudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than a +coronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectly +welcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please. +And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will do +me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his hand lazily to +the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was any other +thing in the world in which he could oblige me. + +I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord +Crabs to dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig +off his head, and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in +that part of the person where, according to report, he had been +formerly assaulted by Majesty. The whole story was over the town the +next day, and pictures of me were hanging in the clubs and print- +shops performing the operation alluded to. All the town laughed at +the picture of the lord and the Irishman, and, I need not say, +recognised both. As for me, I was one of the most celebrated +characters in London in those days: my dress, style, and equipage +being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; and my +popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least +considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at +the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord +Mansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, +and after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the +Opposition, and vexed him with all the means in my power. + +These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and +the House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the +Gordon disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took +place. It came on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, +at a most unlucky time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most +ruinous rates, to face the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs +against me in the field more active and virulent than ever. + +My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my +enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish +Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures +drawn representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord +Bullingdon, turning him out of doors in a storm, and I know not +what. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which +it was pretended I came; others in which I was represented as a +lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose upon me, in +which any man of less spirit would have gone down. + +But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money +in the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne +and Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as +commonly as water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry +had all turned upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even +represented that I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into +the town alone, wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made +her visit the mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would +persuade the people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; +and the brutal mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go +back, and how she liked horsewhip for supper. + +I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me +together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of +my marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in +until they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it +was frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was +bound up in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages +and insurances, and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. +Lawyers upon lawyers posted down from London; composition after +composition was made, and Lady Lyndon's income hampered almost +irretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. To do her justice, she +behaved with tolerable kindness at this season of trouble; for +whenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I coaxed her +I was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to good- +humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure an +easy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when my +troubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left, +viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best part +of my income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Lady +was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would be +quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad to +undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live for the +sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which she +hoped to enjoy. + +We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and +ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our +absence. My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies +would have been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of +their power. I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full +as much on my mines and private estates as they were worth; so the +scoundrels were disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate +and property in the London house, they could not touch that, as it +was the property of the heirs of the house of Lyndon. + +I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle +Lyndon for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly +ruined man, and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never +again appear in the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it +was not so. In the midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a +great consolation for me still. Despatches came home from America +announcing Lord Cornwallis's defeat of General Gates in Carolina, +and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was present as a volunteer. + +For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. +My son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume +forthwith the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the +family titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her +grandson as 'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and +privations were repaid by seeing this darling child advanced to such +a post of honour. + +CHAPTER XIX + +CONCLUSION + +If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, +who share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with +your venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I +am sure I merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at +least, where my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my +mansion and entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my +time. As long as my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to +partake of it; I had hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a +regiment of dragoons, and butts of wine in my cellar which would +have made whole counties drunk for years. Castle Lyndon became the +headquarters of scores of needy gentlemen, and I never rode a- +hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of the best blood of the +country riding as my squires and gentlemen of the horse. My son, +little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and manners, even +at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble families +from whom he was descended: I don't know what high hopes I had for +the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his +future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had +determined that I should leave none of my race behind me, and +ordained that I should finish my career, as I see it closing now-- +poor, lonely, and childless. I may have had my faults; but no man +shall dare to say of me that I was not a good and tender father. I +loved that boy passionately; perhaps with a blind partiality: I +denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, I swear, would I have died that +his premature doom might have been averted. I think there is not a +day since I lost him but his bright face and beautiful smiles look +down on me out of heaven, where he is, and that my heart does not +yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken from me at the age of +nine years, when he was full of beauty and promise: and so powerful +is the hold his memory has of me that I have never been able to +forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights on my restless +solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest company, as +the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring about, I +am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair hanging +round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured +pauper's grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon's worn-out old +bones will be laid. + +My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from +such a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, +against which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how +much more, then, of his mother's and the women's, whose attempts to +direct him he would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother ('Mrs. Barry +of Lyndon' the good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new +family) was quite unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what +a will he had of his own. If it had not been for that, he might have +lived to this day: he might--but why repine? Is he not in a better +place? would the heritage of a beggar do any service to him? It is +best as it is--Heaven be good to us!--Alas! that I, his father, +should be left to deplore him. + +It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see +a lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult +with me about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of +which, as I hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was +determined to cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty +in the matter. It was said I had no right to touch the timber. The +brute peasantry about the estate had been roused to such a pitch of +hatred against me, that the rascals actually refused to lay an axe +to the trees; and my agent (that scoundrel Larkins) declared that +his life was in danger among them if he attempted any further +despoilment (as they called it) of the property. Every article of +the splendid furniture was sold by this time, as I need not say; and +as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring it off to Ireland, +where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker's, who had +advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had occasion +for. + +I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so +far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and +timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that +he agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value, +and handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with +debts at the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in +getting down the wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights +and sawyers from his own and the King's yards at Plymouth, and in +two months Hackton Park was as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen. + +I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost +the greater part of it in two nights' play at 'Daly's,' so that my +debts stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed +for Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber- +merchant, all that I had left of the money he brought me was a +couple of hundred pounds, with which I returned home very +disconsolately: and very suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were +hot upon me, hearing I had spent the loan, and two of my wine- +merchants had writs out against me for some thousands of pounds. + +I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I +give a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for +my dear little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth +birthday, that was now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal +and stood me in a good sum. I never regarded money for that dear +child. But the horse was very wild. He kicked off one of my horse- +boys, who rode him at first, and broke the lad's leg; and, though I +took the animal in hand on the journey home, it was only my weight +and skill that made the brute quiet. + +When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a +farmer's house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was +all anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his +birthday, when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I +promised myself no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to +the field that day: which I hoped to see him lead some time or other +in place of his fond father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to +ride a fox-chase, or to take the place amongst the gentry of his +country which his birth and genius had pointed out for him! + +Though I don't believe in dreams and omens, yet I can't but own that +when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many +strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady +Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son's death; but, as she +was now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears +with scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment, +over the bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always +questioning me about the little horse, and when it was to come, that +it was arrived; that it was in Doolan's farm, where Mick the groom +was breaking him in. 'Promise me, Bryan,' screamed his mother, 'that +you will not ride the horse except in company of your father.' But I +only said, 'Pooh, madam, you are an ass!' being angry at her silly +timidity, which was always showing itself in a thousand disagreeable +ways now; and, turning round to Bryan, said, 'I promise your +Lordship a good flogging if you mount him without my leave.' + +I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for +the pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would +remit the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose +rather late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the +child had been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor's +room (this was Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live +with me), and I had no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan's farm. + +I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, +swearing I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little +thought of it when at three miles from home I met a sad procession +coming towards me: peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the +black horse led by the hand, and, on a door that some of the folk +carried, my poor dear dear little boy. There he lay in his little +boots and spurs, and his little coat of scarlet and gold. His dear +face was quite white, and he smiled as he held a hand out to me, and +said painfully, 'You won't whip me, will you, papa?' I could only +burst out into tears in reply. I have seen many and many a man +dying, and there's a look about the eyes which you cannot mistake. +There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit down before +my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him some water, he +looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there's no mistaking +that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured the +country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + +But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible +enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account +of the poor child's case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat +him bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having +overcome his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But +there were loose stones at the top, and the horse's foot caught +among them, and he and his brave little rider rolled over together +at the other side. The people said they saw the noble little boy +spring up after his fall and run to catch the horse; which had +broken away from him, kicking him on the back, as it would seem, as +they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a few yards and then dropped +down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, and they thought he +was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and the poor child +revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; the lower +half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The rest did +not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with us; +and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain. + +During this time the dear angel's temper seemed quite to change: he +asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had +been guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his +brother Bullingdon. 'Bully was better than you, papa,' he said; 'he +used not to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things +while you were away.' And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in +each of his little clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but +love each other, so that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully +told him quarrelsome people never went. His mother was very much +affected by these admonitions from the poor suffering angel's mouth; +and I was so too. I wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel +which the dying boy gave us. + +At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my +family, the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my +Lady Lyndon together. 'Oh, Redmond,' said she, kneeling by the sweet +child's body, 'do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed +mouth: and do you amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond +wife as her dying child bade you.' And I said I would: but there are +promises which it is out of a man's power to keep; especially with +such a woman as her. But we drew together after that sad event, and +were for several months better friends. + +I won't tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail +are undertakers' feathers and heralds' trumpery? I went out and shot +the fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault +where we laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself +too. But for the crime, it would have been better that I should, +perhaps; for what has my life been since that sweet flower was taken +out of my bosom? A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and +mental and bodily sufferings which never fell to the lot of any +other man in Christendom. + +Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy's +catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into +devotion with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her +almost distracted at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said +an angel from heaven had told her that Bryan's death was as a +punishment to her for her neglect of her first-born. Then she would +declare Bullingdon was alive; she had seen him in a dream. Then +again she would fall into fits of sorrow about his death, and grieve +for him as violently as if he had been the last of her sons who had +died, and not our darling Bryan; who, compared to Bullingdon, was +what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her freaks were painful to +witness, and difficult to control. It began to be said in the +country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly enemies did +not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add that I was +the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I had +killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don't know what else +they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies +reached me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my +hunt, as they did in England, and when I went to race or market +found sudden reasons for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the +name of Wicked Barry, Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country- +folk used to make marvellous legends about me: the priests said I +had massacred I don't know how many German nuns in the Seven Years' +War; that the ghost of the murdered Bullingdon haunted my house. +Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I had a mind to buy a +waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by said, ''Tis a +strait-waistcoat he's buying for my Lady Lyndon.' And from this +circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many +circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and +ingenuity of torturing her. + +The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, +but injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; +for as there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon +was of a weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a +family, the next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff-- +began to exert themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at +the head of the party of enemies who were raising reports to my +discredit. They interposed between me and my management of the +property in a hundred different ways; making an outcry if I cut a +stick, sunk a shaft, sold a picture, or sent a few ounces of plate +to be remodelled. They harassed me with ceaseless lawsuits, got +injunctions from Chancery, hampered my agents in the execution of +their work; so much so that you would have fancied my own was not my +own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. What is worse, as I have +reason to believe, they had tamperings and dealings with my own +domestics under my own roof; for I could not have a word with Lady +Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be drunk with my +chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would get hold of +the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the oaths I +swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old +school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did +and said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I +know of who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of +holiness. As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite, +I may as well confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices +of my enemies by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly +justifiable. Everything depended on my having an heir to the estate; +for if Lady Lyndon, who was of weakly health, had died, the next day +I was a beggar: all my sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would +not have been held in a farthing's account; all the debts would have +been left on my shoulders; and my enemies would have triumphed over +me: which, to a man of my honourable spirit, was 'the unkindest cut +of all,' as some poet says. + +I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, +as I could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED +TO FIND ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, +though with the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then +I found out the rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having +broached this plan to Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at +least, the most obedient of wives,--although I never let a letter +from her or to her go or arrive without my inspection,--although I +allowed her to see none but those persons who I thought, in her +delicate health, would be fitting society for her; yet the infernal +Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested instantly against it, not +only by letter, but in the shameful libellous public prints, and +held me up to public odium as a 'child-forger,' as they called me. +Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, and offered +to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and prove +him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not in this +instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a lawyer, +and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have +accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: +indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition +for nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a +woman of her weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one +great crime in consequence of me, but would rather die than perform +another. I could easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses, +however: but my scheme had taken wind, and it was now in vain to +attempt it. We might have had a dozen children in honest wedlock, +and people would have said they were false. + +As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life +interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my +time which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters +did the business, and my wife's life was as well known among them +as, I do believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I +wanted to get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence +to say my treatment of her did not render it worth a year's +purchase,--as if my interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived, +it would have been a different thing; he and his mother might have +cut off the entail of a good part of the property between them, and +my affairs have been put in better order. Now they were in a bad +condition indeed. All my schemes had turned out failures; my lands, +which I had purchased with borrowed money, made me no return, and I +was obliged to pay ruinous interest for the sums with which I had +purchased them. My income, though very large, was saddled with +hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers' charges; and I felt +the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no means to +extricate myself from its toils. + +To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child's +death, my wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had +borne with for twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made +attempts at what she called escaping from my tyranny. + +My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained +faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true +light, as a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own +generous and confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was +going on; and of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as +usual, the main promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was +violent and her ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my +house; which would have been at rack and ruin long before, but for +her spirit of order and management, and for her excellent economy in +the government of my numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, +poor soul! was much too fine a lady to attend to household matters-- +passed her days with her doctor, or her books of piety, and never +appeared among us except at my compulsion; when she and my mother +would be sure to have a quarrel. + +Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all +matters. She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; +had an eye over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in +the stable; saw to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the +turf-stacking, the pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and +the bakehouse, and the ten thousand minutiae of a great +establishment. If all Irish housewives were like her, I warrant many +a hall-fire would be blazing where the cobwebs only grow now, and +many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle where the thistles are +at present the chief occupiers. If anything could have saved me from +the consequences of villainy in others, and (I confess it, for I am +not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, generous, and +careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence of that +worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was quiet +and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter of +some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of +jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them +were!) to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part, +went to bed sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of +her attention, has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me +laid by my servants snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself; +and been the first in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of +small-beer. Mine were no milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman +thought no shame of taking his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your +coffee and slops, they were left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the +other old women. It was my mother's pride that I could drink more +than any man in the country,--as much, within a pint, as my father +before me, she said. + +That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the +first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I +set my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; +and this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter +disliked her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry's assistance +and surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty +spies to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served +as by the disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent +mother. She slept with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an +eye everywhere. She followed all the Countess's movements like a +shadow; she managed to know, from morning to night, everything that +my Lady did. If she walked in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on +the wicket; and if she chose to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied +her, and a couple of fellows in my liveries rode alongside of the +carriage to see that she came to no harm. Though she objected, and +would have kept her room in sullen silence, I made a point that we +should appear together at church in the coach-and-six every Sunday; +and that she should attend the race-balls in my company, whenever +the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who beset me. This gave +the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished to make a +prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, and +seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to +supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me, +I was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip. +Had she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother +knew) compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for +imprisoning her, I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man +imprisons his wife to a certain degree; the world would be in a +pretty condition if women were allowed to quit home and return to it +whenever they had a mind. In watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I +did no more than exercise the legitimate authority which awards +honour and obedience to every husband. + +Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my +watchfulness in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have +given me the slip, had I not had quite as acute a person as herself +as my ally: for, as the proverb says that 'the best way to catch one +thief is to set another after him,' so the best way to get the +better of a woman is to engage one of her own artful sex to guard +her. One would have thought that, followed as she was, all her +letters read, and all her acquaintances strictly watched by me, +living in a remote part of Ireland away from her family, Lady Lyndon +could have had no chance of communicating with her allies, or of +making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, public; and yet, +for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my very nose, and +acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as shall be told. + +She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was +never thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no +money to gratify her, and among my debts are milliners' bills to the +amount of many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro +from Dublin, with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and +furbelows, as her fancy dictated. With these would come letters from +her milliner, in answer to numerous similar injunctions from my +Lady; all of which passed through my hands, without the least +suspicion, for some time. And yet in these very papers, by the easy +means of sympathetic ink, were contained all her Ladyship's +correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, as I have +said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + +But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife +chose to write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to +make her drink, as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set +me a-thinking, and so I tried one of the letters before the fire, +and the whole scheme of villainy was brought to light. I will give a +specimen of one of the horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman. +In a great hand, with wide lines, were written a set of directions +to her mantua-maker, setting forth the articles of dress for which +my Lady had need, the peculiarity of their make, the stuff she +selected, &c. She would make out long lists in this way, writing +each article in a separate line, so as to have more space for +detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between these +lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made the +fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of +it, and to have published it under the title of the 'Lovely +Prisoner, or the Savage Husband,' or by some name equally taking and +absurd. The journal would be as follows:-- + +. . . . . . . + +'MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, +MONSTROUS, VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin +and red ribands, taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding +by its side, on the horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. +The wicked hypocrite led me to the pew, with hat in hand and a +smiling countenance, and kissed my hand as I entered the coach after +service, and patted my Italian greyhound--all that the few people +collected might see. He made me come downstairs in the evening to +make tea for his company; of whom three-fourths, he himself +included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted the parson's face +black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh bottle; and at +his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey mare with his +face to the tail. The she-dragon read the "Whole Duty of Man" all +the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, locked +me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she +adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.' + +. . . . . . . + +You should have seen my mother's fury as I read her out this +passage! Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that +practised on the parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true +bill), and used carefully to select for Mrs. Barry's hearing all the +COMPLIMENTS that Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the +name by which she was known in this precious correspondence: or +sometimes she was designated by the title of the 'Irish Witch.' As +for me, I was denominated 'my gaoler,' 'my tyrant,' 'the dark spirit +which has obtained the mastery over my being,' and so on; in terms +always complimentary to my power, however little they might be so to +my amiability. Here is another extract from her 'Prison Diary,' by +which it will be seen that my Lady, although she pretended to be so +indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp woman's eye, and could be +as jealous as another:-- + +. . . . . . . + +'WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life +was taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he +joined his neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up +unheeded by my side: and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I +am united drove to exile, and perhaps to death? Or is the child +alive, as my fond heart sometimes deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to +the aid of a wretched mother, who acknowledges her crimes, her +coldness towards thee, and now bitterly pays for her error! But no, +he cannot live! I am distracted! My only hope is in you, my cousin-- +you whom I had once thought to salute by a STILL FONDER TITLE, my +dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my preserver, the true +chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from the thrall of the +felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from him, and from +Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!' + +(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of +composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the +'Seven Champions,' and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE +DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)-- + +'Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, +the tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. +'Twas in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the +fatal journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to +endure since then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear +poison, but that I know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping +me alive, and that my death would be the signal for his ruin. But I +dare not stir without my odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid +Irishwoman, who pursues my every step. I am locked into my chamber +at night, like a felon, and only suffered to leave it when ORDERED +into the presence of my lord (_I_ ordered!), to be present at his +orgies with his boon companions, and to hear his odious converse as +he lapses into the disgusting madness of intoxication! He has given +up even the semblance of constancy--he, who swore that I alone could +attach or charm him! And now he brings his vulgar mistresses before +my very eyes, and would have had me acknowledge, as heir to my own +property, his child by another! + +'No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early +friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate +join me to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his +sway, and make the poor Calista happy?' + +. . . . . . . + +So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest +cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say +whether the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and +vain a creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being +taken care of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George +Poynings, her old flame, in which she addressed him by the most +affectionate names, and implored him to find a refuge for her +against her oppressors; but they would fatigue the reader to peruse, +as they would me to copy. The fact is, that this unlucky lady had +the knack of writing a great deal more than she meant. She was +always reading novels and trash; putting herself into imaginary +characters and flying off into heroics and sentimentalities with as +little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet showing the most violent +disposition to be in love. She wrote always as if she was in a flame +of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the most tender and +pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes of remonstrance +to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on quarrelling +with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she addressed +as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment she +took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above +passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling: +the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves +to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and +she only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he +may be of some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely +with this woman, keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred +discord between us, and locking her up out of mischief, who shall +say that I was wrong? If any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it +was my Lady Lyndon; and I have known people in my time manacled, and +with their heads shaved, in the straw, who had not committed half +the follies of that foolish, vain, infatuated creature. + +My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which +these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I +could keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady +Lyndon; whom it was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of +our knowledge of her designs: for I was anxious to know how far they +went, and to what pitch of artifice she would go. The letters +increased in interest (as they say of the novels) as they proceeded. +Pictures were drawn of my treatment of her which would make your +heart throb. I don't know of what monstrosities she did not accuse +me, and what miseries and starvation she did not profess herself to +undergo; all the while she was living exceedingly fat and contented, +to outward appearances, at our house at Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading +and vanity had turned her brain. I could not say a rough word to her +(and she merited many thousands a day, I can tell you), but she +declared I was putting her to the torture; and my mother could not +remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of hysterics, of +which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + +At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no +means kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, +and left her doctor's shop at her entire service,--knowing her +character full well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less +likely to lay hands on her precious life than herself; yet these +threats had an effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were +addressed; for the milliner's packets now began to arrive with great +frequency, and the bills sent to her contained assurances of coming +aid. The chivalrous Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin's +rescue, and did me the compliment to say that he hoped to free his +dear cousin from the clutches of the most atrocious villain that +ever disgraced humanity; and that, when she was free, measures +should be taken for a divorce, on the ground of cruelty and every +species of ill-usage on my part. + +I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the +other carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and +secretary, Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the +Castle Lyndon property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I +had taken from her in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his +education at Trinity College, and provide for him through life. But +after the lad had been for a year at the University, the tutors +would not admit him to commons or lectures until his college bills +were paid; and, offended by this insolent manner of demanding the +paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage from the place, and ordered +my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made him useful to me in a +hundred ways. In my dear little boy's lifetime, he tutored the poor +child as far as his high spirit would let him; but I promise you it +was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the books. Then he kept +Mrs. Barry's accounts; copied my own interminable correspondence +with my lawyers and the agents of all my various property; took a +hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and my mother; or, +being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish spirit, as +became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady Lyndon's +spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: in +both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with +which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old +mother very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for, +not understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious +when they were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they +were after. It was Lady Lyndon's constant way of annoying the old +lady, when the three were alone together, to address Quin in one or +other of these tongues. + +I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred +the lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various +proofs of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of +Lord George's letters, in reply to some of my Lady's complaints; +which were concealed between the leather and the boards of a book +which was sent from the circulating library for her Ladyship's +perusal. He and my Lady too had frequent quarrels. She mimicked his +gait in her pleasanter moments; in her haughty moods, she would not +sit down to table with a tailor's grandson. 'Send me anything for +company but that odious Quin,' she would say, when I proposed that +he should go and amuse her with his books and his flute; for, +quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were always at +it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends for a +month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; +then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which +domestic circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship's peculiar +way, in her journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty +document it is! Sometimes she writes, 'My monster has been almost +kind to-day;' or, 'My ruffian has deigned to smile.' Then she will +break out into expressions of savage hate; but for my poor mother it +was ALWAYS hatred. It was, 'The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to +Heaven she would die!' or, 'The hideous old Irish basketwoman has +been treating me to some of her Billingsgate to-day,' and so forth: +all which expressions, read to Mrs. Barry, or translated from the +French and Italian, in which many of them were written, did not fail +to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury against her charge: and so +I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always on the alert. In +translating these languages, young Quin was of great service to me; +for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I was in the +army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, and was +glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + +This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on +whom and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually +trying to betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league +with the enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did +not move earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons-- +money: of which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful +scarcity; but of this they also managed to get a supply through my +rascal of a godson, who could come and go quite unsuspected: the +whole scheme was arranged under our very noses, and the post-chaise +ordered, and the means of escape actually got ready; while I never +suspected their design. + +A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my +colliers had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her +bachelor, as they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought +the letter-bag for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me +was there in it, God wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how +he brought a bag of money from the town for Master Quin; and how +that Tim the post-boy had told him that he was to bring a chaise +down to the water at a certain hour. Miss Rooney, who had no secrets +from me, blurted out the whole story; asked me what scheming I was +after, and what poor unlucky girl I was going to carry away with the +chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the money I had got from town? + +Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished +in my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of +catching the couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the +ferry which they had to cross to get to their chaise, and of +pistolling the young traitor before Lady Lyndon's eyes; but, on +second thoughts, it was quite clear that the news of the escape +would make a noise through the country, and rouse the confounded +justice's people about my ears, and bring me no good in the end. So +I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and to content myself +by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it was about to +be hatched. + +I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible +looks, I had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; +confessing all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would +never make such an attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty +times on the point of owning everything to me, but that she feared +my wrath against the poor young lad her accomplice: who was indeed +the author and inventor of all the mischief. This--though I knew how +entirely false the statement was--I was fain to pretend to believe; +so I begged her to write to her cousin, Lord George, who had +supplied her with money, as she admitted, and with whom the plan had +been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had altered her mind as to +the trip to the country proposed; and that, as her dear husband was +rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at home and nurse +him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it would give +me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us at Castle +Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in former +times gave me so much satisfaction. 'I should seek him out,' I +added, 'so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly +anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.' I think he must +have understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would +run him through the body on the very first occasion I could come at +him. + +Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which +the young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was +quite unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, 'What do I owe +you?' said he. 'I have toiled for you as no man ever did for +another, and worked without a penny of wages. It was you yourself +who set me against you, by giving me a task against which my soul +revolted,--by making me a spy over your unfortunate wife, whose +weakness is as pitiable as are her misfortunes and your rascally +treatment of her. Flesh and blood could not bear to see the manner +in which you used her. I tried to help her to escape from you; and I +would do it again, if the opportunity offered, and so I tell you to +your teeth!' When I offered to blow his brains out for his +insolence, 'Pooh!' said he,--'kill the man who saved your poor boy's +life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the ruin and +perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a +Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of +crime? I would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance +of rescuing this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw +you strike her. Kill me, you woman's bully! You would if you dared; +but you have not the heart. Your very servants like me better than +you. Touch me, and they will rise and send you to the gallows you +merit!' + +I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the +young gentleman's head, which felled him to the ground; and then I +went to meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow +had saved poor little Bryan's life, and the boy to his dying day was +tenderly attached to him. 'Be good to Redmond, papa,' were almost +the last words he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his +death-bed, that I would do as he asked. It was also true, that rough +usage of him would be little liked by my people, with whom he had +managed to become a great favourite: for, somehow, though I got +drunk with the rascals often, and was much more familiar with them +than a man of my rank commonly is, yet I knew I was by no means +liked by them; and the scoundrels were murmuring against me +perpetually. + +But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate +should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my +hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding +up his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from +the stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house +and park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or +hindrance; and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off +in the very post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and +heard no more of him for a considerable time; and now that he was +out of the house, did not consider him a very troublesome enemy. + +But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long +run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and +though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my +wife's perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and +under her own handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and +her hatred for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite +of all my precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf. +Had I followed that good lady's advice, who scented the danger from +afar off, as it were, I should never have fallen into the snare +prepared for me; and which was laid in a way that was as successful +as it was simple. + +My Lady Lyndon's relation with me was a singular one. Her life was +passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and +hatred for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred +sometimes) there was nothing she would not do to propitiate me +further; and she would be as absurd and violent in her expressions +of fondness as, at other moments, she would be in her demonstrations +of hatred. It is not your feeble easy husbands who are loved best in +the world; according to my experience of it. I do think the women +like a little violence of temper, and think no worse of a husband +who exercises his authority pretty smartly. I had got my Lady into +such a terror about me, that when I smiled, it was quite an era of +happiness to her; and if I beckoned to her, she would come fawning +up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for the few days I was at +school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would laugh if ever our +schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in the regiment whenever +the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be jocular--not a recruit +but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and determined husband will +get his wife into this condition of discipline; and I brought my +high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, to fetch and +carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a holiday, too, +when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much in the +duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very +hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in +their hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from +agreeable, in order to deceive you. + +After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless +opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have +been on my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she +managed to mislead me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, +and lulled me into a fatal security with regard to her intentions: +for, one day, as I was joking her, and asking her whether she would +take the water again, whether she had found another lover, and so +forth, she suddenly burst into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand, +cried passionately out,-- + +'Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! +Was I ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me +happy! ever so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part +did not bring me to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of +my affection for you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in +England upon you? Have I repined or rebuked you for the way you have +wasted it? No, I loved you too much and too fondly; I have always +loved you. From the first moment I saw you, I felt irresistibly +attracted towards you. I saw your bad qualities, and trembled at +your violence; but I could not help loving you. I married you, +though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; and in spite of +reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I am ready to +make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least you +will gently use me.' + +I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of +reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw +me softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, +'Depend on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head +now.' The old lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her +Ladyship had prepared to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a +hook. + +I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which +I had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair +of the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers +for my advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own +was of little value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from +any money-dealer in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals +from the latter place to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that +unlucky affair I had with Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the +money he brought down, and old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the +bond I gave him after leaving my house, [Footnote: These exploits of +Mr. Lyndon are not related in the narrative. He probably, in the +cases above alluded to, took the law into his own hands.] the people +would not trust themselves within my walls any more. Our rents, too, +were in the hands of receivers by this time, and it was as much as I +could do to get enough money from the rascals to pay my wine- +merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have said, was +equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and +agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for +debts and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had +on me. + +It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter +from my confidential man in Gray's Inn, London, saying (in reply to +some ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me +some money; and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the +city of London, connected with the mining interest, which offered to +redeem the incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of +ours, which was still pretty free, upon the Countess's signature; +and provided they could be assured of her free will in giving it. +They said they heard she lived in terror of her life from me, and +meditated a separation, in which case she might repudiate any deeds +signed by her while in durance, and subject them, at any rate, to a +doubtful and expensive litigation; and demanded to be made assured +of her Ladyship's perfect free will in the transaction before they +advanced a shilling of their capital. + +Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must +be sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no +difficulty in persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, +declaring that the accounts of our misunderstandings were utter +calumnies; that we lived in perfect union, and that she was quite +ready to execute any deed which her husband might desire her to +sign. + +This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. +I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and +law affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I +never thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by +their urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was +done. I was living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and +the bread, turf, and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady +Lyndon within, and the bailiffs without. For the last two years, +since I went to Dublin to receive money (which I unluckily lost at +play there, to the disappointment of my creditors), I did not +venture to show in that city: and could only appear at our own +county town at rare intervals, and because I knew the sheriffs: whom +I swore I would murder if any ill chance happened to me. A chance of +a good loan, then, was the most welcome prospect possible to me, and +I hailed it with all the eagerness imaginable. + +In reply to Lady Lyndon's letter, came, in course of time, an answer +from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship +would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin +Lane, London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her +property, would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring +the risk of a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were +aware how other respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and +Salmon of Dublin, had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but +there are certain situations in which people can't dictate their own +terms: and, 'faith, I was so pressed now for money, that I could +have signed a bond with Old Nick himself, if he had come provided +with a good round sum. + +I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain +that my mother prayed and warned me. 'Depend on it,' says she, +'there is some artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, +you are not safe. Here you may live for years and years, in luxury +and splendour, barring claret and all the windows broken; but as +soon as they have you in London, they'll get the better of my poor +innocent lad; and the first thing I shall hear of you will be, that +you are in trouble.' + +'Why go, Redmond?' said my wife. 'I am happy here, as long as you +are kind to me, as you are now. We can't appear in London as we +ought; the little money you will get will be spent, like all the +rest has been. Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our +flocks and be content.' And she took my hand and kissed it; while my +mother only said, 'Humph! I believe she's at the bottom of it--the +wicked SCHAMER!' + +I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and +was hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I +was to get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by +my good mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who +produced sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money +that Barry Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of +forty thousand a year, could command: such had been the havoc made +in this fine fortune by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but +chiefly by my misplaced confidence and the rascality of others. + +We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the +country know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our +neighbours. The famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled +in a hack-chaise and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and +Mrs. Jones, and thence took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived +quite without accident. When a man is going to the deuce, how easy +and pleasant the journey is! The thought of the money quite put me +in a good humour, and my wife, as she lay on my shoulder in the +post-chaise going to London, said it was the happiest ride she had +taken since our marriage. + +One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my +agent at Gray's Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and +begging him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations +for the loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and +wait there for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed +a score of plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have +thought it was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman! +woman! when I recollect Lady Lyndon's smiles and blandishments--how +happy she seemed to be on that night! what an air of innocent +confidence appeared in her behaviour, and what affectionate names +she called me!--I am lost in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy. +Who can be surprised that an unsuspecting person like myself should +have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver! + +We were in London at three o'clock, and half-an-hour before the time +appointed our chaise drove to Gray's Inn. I easily found out Mr. +Tapewell's apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I +entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble +lamp and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed +agitated and faint. + +'Redmond,' said she, as we got up to the door, 'don't go in: I am +sure there is danger. There's time yet; let us go back--to Ireland-- +anywhere!' And she put herself before the door, in one of her +theatrical attitudes, and took my hand. + +I just pushed her away to one side. 'Lady Lyndon,' said I, 'you are +an old fool!' + +'Old fool!' said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly +answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom +she cried, 'Say Lady Lyndon is here;' and stalked down the passage +muttering 'Old fool.' It was 'OLD' which was the epithet that +touched her. I might call her anything but that. + +Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and +tin boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; +pointed towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at +his insolence; and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be +back in one moment. + +And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you +think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with +bludgeons and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady +Jane Peckover. + +When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his +arms in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her +preserver, her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured +out a flood of invective which quite astonished me. + +'Old fool as I am,' said she, 'I have outwitted the most crafty and +treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married +you, and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a +fool when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base- +born adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most +monstrous tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to +be squandered; to see women, as base and low-born as yourself'-- + +'For Heaven's sake, be calm!' cries the lawyer; and then bounded +back behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye +which the rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to +pieces, had he come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a +strain of incoherent fury; screaming against me, and against my +mother especially, upon whom she heaped abuse worthy of +Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the sentence with the +word fool. + +'You don't tell all, my Lady,' says I bitterly; 'I said OLD fool.' + +'I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard +could say or do,' interposed little Poynings. 'This lady is now safe +under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear +your infamous persecutions no longer.' + +'But YOU are not safe,' roared I; 'and, as sure as I am a man of +honour, and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart's +blood now.' + +'Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!' +screamed the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + +'I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,' cried +my Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. 'If the scoundrel +remains in London another day, he will be seized as a common +swindler.' And this threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that +there were scores of writs out against me in town, and that once in +prison my case was hopeless. + +'Where's the man will seize me!' shouted I, drawing my sword, and +placing my back to the door. 'Let the scoundrel come. You--you +cowardly braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!' + +'We're not going to seize you!' said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her +aunt, and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. 'My +dear sir, we don't wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome +sum to leave the country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!' + +'And the country will be well rid of such a villain!' says my Lord, +retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the +scoundrel of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the +apartment, and in company of the bullies from the police-office, who +were all armed to the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at +twenty, when I should have charged the ruffians sword in hand, and +have sent at least one of them to his account. I was broken in +spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly baffled and beaten by +that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she paused and +begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? Her +conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance +now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer's +desk. + +'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. +Tapewell I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!' +and I sat down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change +from the Barry Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old +book about Hannibal the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the +Romans, his troops, which were the most gallant in the world, and +carried all before them, went into cantonments in some city where +they were so sated with the luxuries and pleasures of life, that +they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It was so with me now. +My strength of mind and body were no longer those of the brave youth +who shot his man at fifteen, and fought a score of battles within +six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet Prison, where I write this, +there is a small man who is always jeering me and making game of me; +who asks me to fight, and I haven't the courage to touch him. But I +am anticipating the gloomy and wretched events of my history of +humiliation, and had better proceed in order. + +I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray's Inn; taking care to +inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a +visit from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon's +friends proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the +condition of my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to +be stopped on the instant of my return. He told me what I very well +knew, that my stay in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol; +that there were writs innumerable taken out against me here, and in +the West of England; that my credit was so blown upon that I could +not hope to raise a shilling; and he left me a night to consider of +his proposal; saying that, if I refused it, the family would +proceed: if I acceded, a quarter's salary should be paid to me at +any foreign port I should prefer. + +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The +rascal Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. +It was he devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing +the attorney's letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between +him and the Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying +the plan, and had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her +inordinate love of romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of +these points my mother wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at +the same time to come over and share it with me; which proposal I +declined. She left Castle Lyndon a very short time after I had +quitted it; and there was silence in that hall where, under my +authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality and splendour. She +thought she would never see me again, and bitterly reproached me for +neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in her estimate of +me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this moment in the +prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over the way; +and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with a wise +prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite unworthy +of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon's personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at +which the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an +inmate of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died +of delirium tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and +the inhabitants of the place in her time can record with accuracy +the daily disputes which used to take place between mother and son; +until the latter, from habits of intoxication, falling into a state +of almost imbecility, was tended by his tough old parent as a baby +almost, and would cry if deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. + +His life on the Continent we have not the means of following +accurately; but he appears to have resumed his former profession of +a gambler, without his former success. + +He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an +abortive attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a +threat of publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so +preventing his Lordship's match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, +of strict principles, and immense property in slaves in the West +Indies. Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs +who were despatched after him by his lordship, who would have +stopped his pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act +of justice, and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment +he married the West India lady. + +The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and +was never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her +property being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, +who were to succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was +the address of Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, +that he actually had almost persuaded her to go and live with him +again; when his plan and hers was interrupted by the appearance of a +person who had been deemed dead for several years. + +This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the +surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house +of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with +the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the +former threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a +connection, we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest +dishonour upon either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was +in the habit of writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies, +nay gentlemen, have done ere this. For calling the honour of his +mother in question, Lord Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living +at Bath under the name of Mr. Jones), and administered to him a +tremendous castigation in the Pump-Room. + +His Lordship's history, since his departure, was a romantic one, +which we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the +American War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The +remittances which were promised him were never sent; the thought of +the neglect almost broke the heart of the wild and romantic young +man, and he determined to remain dead to the world at least, and to +the mother who had denied him. It was in the woods of Canada, and +three years after the event had occurred, that he saw the death of +his half-brother chronicled in the Gentleman's Magazine, under the +title of 'Fatal Accident to Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon;' on which +he determined to return to England: where, though he made himself +known, it was with very great difficulty indeed that he satisfied +Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his claim. He was about to pay a +visit to his lady mother at Bath, when he recognised the well-known +face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the modest disguise which that +gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person the insults of former +days. + +Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined +to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her +adored Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, +from gaol to gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, +of Chancery Lane, an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from +whose house he went to the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his +assistant, the prisoner, nay, the prison itself, are now no more. + +As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was +perhaps as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when +her Ladyship died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity, +devoting the sum to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler +use of it than the scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his +Lordship's death, in the Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his +estate fell in to the family of the Tiptoffs, and his title merged +in their superior rank; but it does not appear that the Marquis of +Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the title on the demise of his +brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. Barry or the charities +which the late lord had endowed. The estate has vastly improved +under his Lordship's careful management. The trees in Hackton Park +are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is rented in +exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain the +stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the +wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon. + +THE END + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +******This file should be named brryl10.txt or brryl10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, brryl11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, brryl10a.txt + +Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +More information about this book is at the top of this file. + + +We are now trying to release all our etexts one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections, +even years after the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our Web sites at: +http://gutenberg.net or +http://promo.net/pg + +These Web sites include award-winning information about Project +Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new +etexts, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!). + + +Those of you who want to download any Etext before announcement +can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03 + +Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text +files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+ +We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002 +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks! +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated): + +eBooks Year Month + + 1 1971 July + 10 1991 January + 100 1994 January + 1000 1997 August + 1500 1998 October + 2000 1999 December + 2500 2000 December + 3000 2001 November + 4000 2001 October/November + 6000 2002 December* + 9000 2003 November* +10000 2004 January* + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people +and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, +Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, +Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, +Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New +Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, +Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South +Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West +Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list +will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states. +Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally +request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and +you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have, +just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are +not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting +donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to +donate. + +The most recent list of states, along with all methods for donations +(including credit card donations and international donations), may be +found online at http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + +Donations by check or money order may be sent to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Ave. +Oxford, MS 38655-4109 + +Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment +method other than by check or money order. + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by +the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN +[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are +tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fundraising +requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be +made and fundraising will begin in the additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etexts, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this etext, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the etext, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END* + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray + |