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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
+(#27 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray)
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+Title: Barry Lyndon
+
+Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+Release Date: October, 2003  [Etext #4558]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on February 10, 2002]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
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+Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the 
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+
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+
+
+BARRY LYNDON
+
+
+FROM THE WORKS OF
+
+
+WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY
+
+
+EDITED BY WALTER JERROLD
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+        BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
+
+    I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER
+        PASSION
+
+   II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT
+
+  III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD
+
+   IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY
+
+    V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS
+        POSSIBLE
+
+   VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES
+
+  VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE
+
+ VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION
+
+   IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE
+
+    X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK
+
+   XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY
+
+  XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X-----
+
+ XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION
+
+  XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY
+          IN THAT  KINGDOM
+
+   XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON
+
+  XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY
+        (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE
+
+ XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY
+
+XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER
+
+  XIX.--CONCLUSION
+
+
+
+
+
+
+BARRY LYNDON
+
+
+A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
+
+Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed
+as the finest, of Thackeray's works--appeared originally as a serial
+a few years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published
+in book form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of
+VANITY FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its
+author in the forefront of the literary men of the day. So many
+years after the event we cannot help wondering why the story was not
+earlier put in book form; for in its delineation of the character of
+an adventurer it is as great as VANITY FAIR, while for the local
+colour of history, if I may put it so, it is no undistinguished
+precursor of ESMOND.
+
+In the number of FRASER'S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the
+first instalment of 'THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF
+THE LAST CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,' and the story continued to appear
+month by month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the
+year, when the concluding portion was signed 'G. S. FitzBoodle.'
+FITZBOODLE'S CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared
+occasionally in the magazine during the years immediately precedent,
+so that the pseudonym was familiar to FRASER'S readers. The story
+was written, according to its author's own words, 'with a great deal
+of dulness, unwillingness and labour,' and was evidently done as the
+instalments were required, for in August he wrote 'read for "B. L."
+all the morning at the club,' and four days later of '"B. L." lying
+like a nightmare on my mind.' The journey to the East--which was to
+give us in literary results NOTES OF A JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO
+GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet unfinished, for at
+Malta the author noted on the first three days of November--'Wrote
+Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.' 'Wrote Barry with no
+more success than yesterday.' 'Finished Barry after great throes
+late at night.' In the number of Fraser's for the following month,
+as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in
+1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of
+Thackeray's MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY
+LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always
+been issued with other matter, as though it were not strong enough
+to stand alone, or as though the importance of a work was mainly to
+be gauged by the number of pages to be crowded into one cover. The
+scheme of the present edition fortunately allows fitting honour to
+be done to the memoirs of the great adventurer.
+
+To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the
+eponymous hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are
+suggested as having contributed to the composite portrait. Best
+known of these was that very prince among adventurers, G. J.
+Casanova de Seingalt, a man who in the latter half of the eighteenth
+century played the part of adventurer--and generally that of the
+successful adventurer--in most of the European capitals; who within
+the first five-and-twenty years of his life had been 'abbe,
+secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and violinist, at Rome,
+Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace (Venice), where he
+cured a senator of apoplexy.' His autobiography, MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR
+LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described as 'unmatched as a
+self-revelation of scoundrelism.' It has also been suggested, with I
+think far less colour of probability, that the original of Barry was
+the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, whom
+Dr Johnson described as 'our lively and elegant though too
+licentious lyrick bard.' The third original, and one who, there
+cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great
+portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney-
+Bowes.
+
+The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager
+Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family.
+This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt
+lieutenant on half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced
+her to marry him, and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own.
+He became member of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as
+does Barry Lyndon, treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted
+her when she had escaped from him, and then, after being divorced,
+found his way to a debtors' prison. There are similarities here
+which no seeker after originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that
+her father had a friend at Paris, 'a Mr Bowes, who may have first
+told him this history of which the details are almost incredible, as
+quoted from the papers of the time.' The name of Thackeray's friend
+is a curious coincidence, unless, as may well have been the case, he
+was a connection of the family into which the notorious adventurer
+had married. It is not unlikely that Thackeray had seen the work
+published in 1810--the year of Stoney-Bowes's death--in which the
+whole unhappy romance was set forth. This was 'THE LIVES OF ANDREW
+ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF STRATHMORE. Written from
+thirty-three years' Professional Attendance, from letters and other
+well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, Surgeon.' In this book
+we find several incidents similar to ones in the story. Bowes cut
+down all the timber on his wife's estate, but 'the neighbours would
+not buy it.' Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon played upon his
+son's tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The story of
+Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the notice of
+the Countess's life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY.
+
+Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in
+the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired,
+Thackeray's own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively
+show: 'January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L'EMPIRE, a good
+story about the first K. of Wurtemberg's wife; killed by her husband
+for adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the
+Princess Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th
+September 1788. For the rest of the story see L'EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS
+SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i.
+220.' The 'Captain Freny' to whom Barry owed his adventures on his
+journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) was a notorious highwayman, on
+whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in the fifteenth chapter of his
+IRISH SKETCH BOOK.
+
+Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming
+neglect with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY
+LYNDON was to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray's
+finest performances, though the author himself seems to have had no
+strong regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, 'My father
+once said to me when I was a girl: "You needn't read BARRY LYNDON,
+you won't like it." Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one
+to admire and to wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.'
+Another novelist, Anthony Trollope, has said of it: 'In imagination,
+language, construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray
+never did anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.' Mr Leslie
+Stephen says: 'All later critics have recognised in this book one of
+his most powerful performances. In directness and vigour he never
+surpassed it.'
+
+W.J.
+
+
+
+
+The Memoires of BARRY LYNDON, ESQ.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER PASSION
+
+
+Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in
+this world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours
+was a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam's time,--so old,
+noble, and illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women
+have played a mighty part with the destinies of our race.
+
+I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of
+the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than
+which a more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D'Hozier;
+and though, as a man of the world, I have learned to despise
+heartily the claims of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no
+more genealogy than the lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I
+laugh to utter scorn the boasting of many of my countrymen, who are
+all for descending from kings of Ireland, and talk of a domain no
+bigger than would feed a pig as if it were a principality; yet truth
+compels me to assert that my family was the noblest of the island,
+and, perhaps, of the universal world; while their possessions, now
+insignificant and torn from us by war, by treachery, by the loss of
+time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion to the old faith and
+monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced many counties, at a
+time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than now. I would
+assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there are so
+many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render it
+common.
+
+Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing
+it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a
+gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who
+bent the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had
+there been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver
+Cromwell, we should have shaken off the English for ever. But there
+was no Barry in the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my
+ancestor, Simon de Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and
+married the daughter of the then King of Munster, whose sons in
+battle he pitilessly slew.
+
+In Oliver's time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry to
+lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were
+princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its
+possessions a century previously, and by the most shameful treason.
+This I know to be the fact, for my mother has often told me the
+story, and besides had worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up
+in the yellow saloon at Barryville where we lived.
+
+That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once
+the property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in
+Elizabeth's time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in
+feud with the O'Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a
+certain English colonel passed through the former's country with a
+body of men-at-arms, on the very day when the O'Mahonys had made an
+inroad upon our territories, and carried off a frightful plunder of
+our flocks and herds.
+
+This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or
+Lyndaine, having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and
+finding him just on the point of carrying an inroad into the
+O'Mahonys' land, offered the aid of himself and his lances, and
+behaved himself so well, as it appeared, that the O'Mahonys were
+entirely overcome, all the Barrys' property restored, and with it,
+says the old chronicle, twice as much of the O'Mahonys' goods and
+cattle.
+
+It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier
+was pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and
+remained there during several months, his men being quartered with
+Barry's own gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about.
+They conducted themselves, as is their wont, with the most
+intolerable insolence towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and
+murders continually ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them.
+
+The Barry's son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English
+as any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when
+bidden, he and his friends consulted together and determined on
+destroying these English to a man.
+
+But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry's
+daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the
+whole secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just
+massacre of themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying
+Phaudrig Barry, my ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross
+at Barrycross near Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious
+butchery took place.
+
+Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the
+estate which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were
+alive, as indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never
+been able to find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig
+with his wife, I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract,
+and murdered the priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on
+appealing to the English courts, the estate was awarded to the
+Englishman, as has ever been the case where English and Irish were
+concerned.
+
+Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have
+been born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards
+came to me by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my
+family, history.
+
+My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in
+that of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred
+like many other young sons of genteel families to the profession of
+the law, being articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street
+in the city of Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for
+learning, there is no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in
+his profession, had not his social qualities, love of field-sports,
+and extraordinary graces of manner, marked him out for a higher
+sphere. While he was attorney's clerk he kept seven race-horses, and
+hunted regularly both with the Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode
+on his grey horse Endymion that famous match against Captain Punter,
+which is still remembered by lovers of the sport, and of which I
+caused a splendid picture to be made and hung over my dining-hall
+mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards he had the honour of
+riding that very horse Endymion before his late Majesty King George
+II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the attention of the
+august sovereign.
+
+Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father
+came naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a
+year); for my grandfather's eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the
+Chevalier Borgne, from a wound which he received in Germany)
+remained constant to the old religion in which our family was
+educated, and not only served abroad with credit, but against His
+Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the unhappy Scotch disturbances in
+'45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier hereafter.
+
+For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss
+Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry,
+Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in
+Dublin, and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the
+assembly, my father became passionately attached to her; but her
+soul was above marrying a Papist or an attorney's clerk; and so, for
+the love of her, the good old laws being then in force, my dear
+father slipped into my uncle Cornelius's shoes and took the family
+estate. Besides the force of my mother's bright eyes, several
+persons, and of the genteelest society too, contributed to this
+happy change; and I have often heard my mother laughingly tell the
+story of my father's recantation, which was solemnly pronounced at
+the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord Bagwig, Captain
+Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the town. Roaring
+Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid the necessary
+information the next morning against his brother; but his conversion
+caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined the
+rebels in consequence.
+
+This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father
+his own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell
+Brady was induced to run away with him to England, although her
+parents were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her
+tell many thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the
+most wealthy in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the
+Savoy, and my grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire,
+took possession of his paternal property and supported our
+illustrious name with credit in London. He pinked the famous Count
+Tiercelin behind Montague House, he was a member of 'White's,' and a
+frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; and my mother, likewise,
+made no small figure. At length, after his great day of triumph
+before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry's fortune was just on
+the point of being made, for the gracious monarch promised to
+provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another
+monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who
+seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless
+orphan. Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated
+all our princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as
+ever tossed a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and-
+six like a man of fashion.
+
+I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this
+sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal
+tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that
+was found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of
+ninety guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family
+plate, and my father's wardrobe and her own; and putting them into
+our great coach, drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for
+Ireland. My father's body accompanied us in the finest hearse and
+plumes money could buy; for though the husband and wife had
+quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my father's death his high-
+spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave him the grandest
+funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected a monument
+over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which declared him
+to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men.
+
+In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow
+spent almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a
+great deal more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which
+the ceremonies occasioned. But the people around our old house of
+Barryogue, although they did not like my father for his change of
+faith, yet stood by him at this moment, and were for exterminating
+the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of London with the lamented remains.
+The monument and vault in the church were then, alas! all that
+remained of my vast possessions; for my father had sold every stick
+of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we received but a
+cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down place it was.
+[Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will be found to
+describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces in Europe;
+but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with respect
+to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr.
+Barry's grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.]
+
+The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow
+Barry's reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she
+wrote to her brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman
+immediately rode across the country to fling himself in her arms,
+and to invite her in his wife's name to Castle Brady.
+
+Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words
+had passed between them during Barry's courtship of Miss Bell. When
+he took her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell;
+but coming to London in the year '46, he fell in once more with
+Roaring Harry, and lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and
+lost a few pieces to him at play, and broke a watchman's head or two
+in his company,--all of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her
+son very much to the good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both
+with open arms. Mrs. Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make
+known to her friends what was her condition; but arriving in a huge
+gilt coach with enormous armorial bearings, was taken by her sister-
+in-law and the rest of the county for a person of considerable
+property and distinction. For a time, then, and as was right and
+proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at Castle Brady. She ordered the
+servants to and fro, and taught them, what indeed they much wanted,
+a little London neatness; and 'English Redmond,' as I was called,
+was treated like a little lord, and had a maid and a footman to
+himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which was much more than
+he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing all in his power to
+make his sister decently comfortable under her afflictions. Mamma,
+in return, determined that, when her affairs were arranged, she
+would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for her son's
+maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome furniture
+brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat dilapidated
+rooms of Castle Brady.
+
+But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair
+and table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The
+estate to which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors;
+and the only means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child
+was a rent-charge of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig's property, who had
+many turf-dealings with the deceased. And so my dear mother's
+liberal intentions towards her brother were of course never
+fulfilled.
+
+It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of
+Castle Brady, that when her sister-in-law's poverty was thus made
+manifest, she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed
+to pay her, instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors,
+and told Mrs. Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose.
+Mrs. Mick was of a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and
+after about a couple of years (during which she had saved almost all
+her little income) the widow complied with Madam Brady's desire. At
+the same time, giving way to a just though prudently dissimulated
+resentment, she made a vow that she would never enter the gates of
+Castle Brady while the lady of the house remained alive within them.
+
+She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable
+taste, and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity
+which was her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her.
+How, indeed, could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in
+London, frequented the most fashionable society there, and had been
+presented (as she solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave
+her a right which seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in
+Ireland by those natives who have it,--the right of looking down
+with scorn upon all persons who have not had the opportunity of
+quitting the mother-country and inhabiting England for a while.
+Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a new dress, her
+sister-in-law would say, 'Poor creature! how can it be expected that
+she should know anything of the fashion?' And though pleased to be
+called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was still better
+pleased to be called the English widow.
+
+Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say
+that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the
+fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig's
+side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be.
+Regarding Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make
+insinuations still more painful. However, why should we allude to
+these charges, or rake up private scandal of a hundred years old? It
+was in the reign of George II that the above-named personages lived
+and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they
+are all equal now; and do not the Sunday papers and the courts of
+law supply us every week with more novel and interesting slander?
+
+At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband's
+death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander.
+For whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county
+of Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of
+smiles and encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a
+dignified reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as
+starch as any Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow,
+who had been smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry
+refused all offers of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her
+son only, and for the memory of her departed saint.
+
+'Saint forsooth!' said ill-natured Mrs. Brady.
+
+'Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and 'tis
+notorious that he and Bell hated each other. If she won't marry now,
+depend on it, the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all
+that, and only waits until Lord Bagwig is a widower.'
+
+And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to
+marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a
+woman was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother
+fancied that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly
+justifiable notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was
+always most attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of
+advancing my interests in the world had taken possession of mamma's
+mind, until his Lordship's marriage in the year '57 with Miss
+Goldmore, the Indian nabob's rich daughter.
+
+Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the
+smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-
+dozen families that formed the congregation at Brady's Town, there
+was not a single person whose appearance was so respectable as that
+of the widow, who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory
+of her deceased husband, took care that her garments should be made
+so as to set off her handsome person to the greatest advantage; and,
+indeed, I think, spent six hours out of every day in the week in
+cutting, trimming, and altering them to the fashion. She had the
+largest of hoops and the handsomest of furbelows, and once a month
+(under my Lord Bagwig's cover) would come a letter from London
+containing the newest accounts of the fashions there. Her complexion
+was so brilliant that she had no call to use rouge, as was the mode
+in those days. No, she left red and white, she said (and hence the
+reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each other) to Madam
+Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. In a word,
+she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the country
+took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round
+would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her.
+
+But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was
+proud of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of
+her son, and has said a thousand times to me that I was the
+handsomest young fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A
+man of sixty may, however, say what he was at fourteen without much
+vanity, and I must say I think there was some cause for my mother's
+opinion. The good soul's pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays
+and holidays I turned out in a velvet coat with a silver-hilted
+sword by my side and a gold garter at my knee, as fine as any lord
+in the land. My mother worked me several most splendid waistcoats,
+and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and a fresh riband to my
+hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even envious Mrs. Brady
+was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair in the
+kingdom.
+
+Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on
+these occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet,
+followed me and my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and
+a cane, and dressed in the livery of one of our own fine footmen
+from Clarges Street, which, as Tim was a bandy-shanked little
+fellow, did not exactly become him. But, though poor, we were
+gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of these becoming appendages
+to our rank; and so would march up the aisle to our pew with as much
+state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant's lady and son might do.
+When there, my mother would give the responses and amens in a loud
+dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, besides, had a
+fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected in London
+under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent in
+such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little
+congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother
+had great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the
+most beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world.
+Often and often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding
+her own humility and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I
+would defy the most obstinate to disbelieve her.
+
+When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady's town,
+which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small
+place, but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the
+family pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called
+the yellow saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and
+hers the orange tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and
+at dinner-time Tim regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a
+silver tankard to drink from, and mother boasted with justice that I
+had as good a bottle of claret by my side as any squire of the land.
+So indeed I had, but I was not, of course, allowed at my tender
+years to drink any of the wine; which thus attained a considerable
+age, even in the decanter.
+
+Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above
+fact one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily
+tasting the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made
+faces! But the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine,
+or the company in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed,
+with the parson or the priest indifferently; with the latter, much
+to my mother's indignation, for, as a true blue Nassauite, she
+heartily despised all those of the old faith, and would scarcely sit
+down in the room with a benighted Papist. But the squire had no such
+scruples; he was, indeed, one of the easiest, idlest, and best-
+natured fellows that ever lived, and many an hour would he pass with
+the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam Brady at home. He liked
+me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, and at length, after
+the widow had held out for a couple of years, she agreed to allow me
+to return to the castle; though, for herself, she resolutely kept
+the oath which she had made with regard to her sister-in-law.
+
+The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said,
+in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster
+of nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the
+compliment), insulted me at dinner about my mother's poverty, and
+made all the girls of the family titter. So when we went to the
+stables, whither Mick always went for his pipe of tobacco after
+dinner, I told him a piece of my mind, and there was a fight for at
+least ten minutes, during which I stood to him like a man, and
+blacked his left eye, though I was myself only twelve years old at
+the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating makes only a small
+impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had proved many times
+in battles with the ragged Brady's Town boys before, not one of
+whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very much
+pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown
+paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a
+pint of claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you,
+at having held my own against Mick so long.
+
+And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane
+me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle
+Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and
+the kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite.
+He bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out
+coursing and fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at
+length I was released from Mick's persecution, for his brother,
+Master Ulick, returning from Trinity College, and hating his elder
+brother, as is mostly the way in families of fashion, took me under
+his protection; and from that time, as Ulick was a deal bigger and
+stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, as I was called, was left
+alone; except when the former thought fit to thrash me, which he did
+whenever he thought proper.
+
+Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had an
+uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in
+accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and
+a fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power,
+and she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus
+laid the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances
+I learned (as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants'
+hall, which, you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I
+was considered unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig.
+
+In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for
+reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman's polite
+education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a
+penny, without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull
+grammar, and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them
+from my youth upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have
+none of them.
+
+This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt
+Biddy Brady's legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ
+the sum on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler's
+famous academy at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to
+call it. But six weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence,
+I suddenly made my appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked
+forty miles from the odious place, and left the Doctor in a state
+near upon apoplexy. The fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or
+boxing, I was at the head of the school, but could not be brought to
+excel in the classics; and after having been flogged seven times,
+without its doing me the least good in my Latin, I refused to submit
+altogether (finding it useless) to an eighth application of the rod.
+'Try some other way, sir,' said I, when he was for horsing me once
+more; but he wouldn't; whereon, and to defend myself, I flung a
+slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a leaden
+inkstand. All the lads huzza'd at this, and some or the servants
+wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin
+Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of
+the first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I
+slept that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a
+cottier, who gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred
+guineas after, when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness.
+I wish I had the money now. But what's the use of regret? I have had
+many a harder bed than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a
+scantier meal than honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran
+away from school. So six weeks' was all the schooling I ever got.
+And I say this to let parents know the value of it; for though I
+have met more learned book-worms in the world, especially a great
+hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, whom they called Johnson,
+and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, in London, yet I pretty
+soon silenced him in an argument (at 'Button's Coffeehouse'); and in
+that, and in poetry, and what I call natural philosophy, or the
+science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, the small-sword, the
+knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the manners of an
+accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for myself
+that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. 'Sir,' said I to Mr.
+Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr.
+Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr.
+Goldsmith, a countryman of my own--'Sir,' said I, in reply to the
+schoolmaster's great thundering quotation in Greek, 'you fancy you
+know a great deal more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and
+your Pluto; but can you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs
+next week?--Can you run six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot
+the ace of spades ten times without missing? If so, talk about
+Aristotle and Pluto to me.'
+
+'D'ye knaw who ye're speaking to?' roared out the Scotch gentleman,
+Mr. Boswell, at this.
+
+'Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,' said the old schoolmaster. 'I had
+no right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered
+me very well.'
+
+'Doctor,' says I, looking waggishly at him, 'do you know ever a
+rhyme for ArisTOTLE?'
+
+'Port, if you plaise,' says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX
+RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening.
+It became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at
+'White's' or the 'Cocoa-tree' you would hear the wags say, 'Waiter,
+bring me one of Captain Barry's rhymes for Aristotle.' Once, when I
+was in liquor at the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a
+great Staggerite, a joke which I could never understand. But I am
+wandering from my story, and must get back to home, and dear old
+Ireland again.
+
+I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my
+manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all;
+and, perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated
+amongst Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm,
+should arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was
+indisputably allowed to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable
+instructor in the person of an old gamekeeper, who had served the
+French king at Fontenoy, and who taught me the dances and customs,
+and a smattering of the language of that country, with the use of
+the sword, both small and broad. Many and many a long mile I have
+trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me wonderful stories of the
+French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal Saxe, and the opera-
+dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier Borgne, and indeed had
+a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in secret. I never
+knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for physicking a
+horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly sports, from
+birds'-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil Purcell as
+the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, but for
+that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick like
+poison; but I could excuse him that too.
+
+With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man
+than either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more
+bountiful to me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady
+girls (as you shall hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races
+many of the prettiest lasses present said they would like to have me
+for their bachelor; and yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not
+popular.
+
+In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think,
+perhaps, it was my good mother's fault that I was bitter proud too.
+I had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour
+of my carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before
+people who were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was
+boys, and they ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it;
+and many's the time I've been brought home well-nigh killed by one
+or more of them, on what, when my mother asked me, I would say was
+'a family quarrel.' 'Support your name with your blood, Reddy my
+boy,' would that saint say, with the tears in her eyes; and so would
+she herself have done with her voice, ay, and her teeth and nails.
+
+Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen
+miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were
+the vicar's two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not
+associate with such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we
+have as to who should take the wall in Brady's Town; there was Pat
+Lurgan, the blacksmith's son, who had the better of me four times
+before we came to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I
+could mention a score more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but
+that fisticuff facts are dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss
+before high-bred gentlemen and ladies.
+
+However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must
+discourse, and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to
+hear of it: young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and
+ugly (and, faith, before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain
+woman), it's the subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I
+think you guess my riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word
+is formed on purpose out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants
+in the language, and he or she who does not care to read about it is
+not worth a fig, to my thinking.
+
+My uncle's family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom
+in such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the
+one siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle
+in all the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and
+his lady. Mrs. Brady's faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son,
+who hated me so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his
+property: while Ulick, the second brother, was his father's own boy;
+and, in revenge, Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need
+not mention the girls' names; I had plague enough with them in
+after-life, Heaven knows; and one of them was the cause of all my
+early troubles: this was (though to be sure all her sisters denied
+it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria Brady by name.
+
+She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the
+fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the
+three books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle's
+library), and know that she was born in the year '37, and christened
+by Doctor Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin: hence she was three-
+and-twenty years old at the time she and I were so much together.
+
+When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been
+handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of
+the widest; she was freckled over like a partridge's egg, and her
+hair was the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled
+beef, to use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother
+make these remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then,
+and somehow had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far
+above all the other angels of her sex.
+
+And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or
+singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in
+private, and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so
+much graceful ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired
+without vast labour and perseverance in private; so it is with the
+dear creatures who are skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance,
+was always practising, and she would take poor me to rehearse her
+accomplishment upon; or the exciseman, when he came his rounds, or
+the steward, or the poor curate, or the young apothecary's lad from
+Brady's Town: whom I recollect beating once for that very reason. If
+he is alive now I make him my apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was
+HIS fault that he should be a victim to the wiles of one of the
+greatest coquettes (considering her obscure life and rustic
+breeding) in the world.
+
+If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my
+life is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a
+very vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the
+contrary, I once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did
+not behold her by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her
+from the hands of ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel;
+but one day, after dinner at Brady's Town, in summer, going into the
+garden to pull gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of
+gooseberries, I pledge my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of
+her sisters, with whom she was friends at the time, who were both
+engaged in the very same amusement.
+
+'What's the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?' says she. She was always
+'poking her fun,' as the Irish phrase it.
+
+'I know the Latin for goose,' says I.
+
+'And what's that?' cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock.
+
+'Bo to you!' says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell
+to work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as
+might be. In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her
+arm, and it bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and
+white, and I tied it up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her
+hand; and though it was as big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw,
+yet I thought the favour the most ravishing one that was ever
+conferred upon me, and went home in a rapture.
+
+I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced
+to feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls
+but was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora
+about her bachelor.
+
+The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were
+horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a
+man. She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the
+house.
+
+'For after all, Redmond,' she would say, 'you are but fifteen, and
+you haven't a guinea in the world.' At which I would swear that I
+would become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow
+that before I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an
+estate six times as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of
+course, I did not keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my
+very early life, and caused me to do those great actions for which I
+have been celebrated, and which shall be narrated presently in
+order.
+
+I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may
+know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and
+undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-
+jessamines of the present day would do half as much in the face of
+danger.
+
+About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a
+state of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a
+French invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at
+Versailles, a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the
+noblemen and people of condition in that and all other parts of the
+kingdom showed their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot
+to resist the invaders. Brady's Town sent a company to join the
+Kilwangan regiment, of which Master Mick was the captain; and we had
+a letter from Master Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the
+University had also formed a regiment, in which he had the honour to
+be a corporal. How I envied them both! especially that odious Mick
+as I saw him in his laced scarlet coat, with a ribbon in his hat,
+march off at the head of his men. He, the poor spiritless creature,
+was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt I had as much courage as
+the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, that a red jacket
+would mightily become me! My mother said I was too young to join the
+new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she herself who was too
+poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have swallowed up half her
+year's income, and she would only have her boy appear in a way
+suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, dressed in the
+best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company.
+
+Well, then, the whole country was alive with war's alarums, the
+three kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit
+paying his devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was
+obliged to stay at home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in
+secret. Mr. Mick came to and fro from the regiment, and brought
+numerous of his comrades with him. Their costume and swaggering airs
+filled me with grief, and Miss Nora's unvarying attentions to them
+served to make me half wild. No one, however, thought of attributing
+this sadness to the young lady's score, but rather to my
+disappointment at not being allowed to join the military profession.
+
+Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan,
+to which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and
+a pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what
+tortures the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her
+eternal coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to
+be one of the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me,
+against which all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that
+riding in a coach always made her ill. 'And how can I go to the
+ball,' said she, 'unless you take me on Daisy behind you on the
+pillion?' Daisy was a good blood-mare of my uncle's, and to such a
+proposition I could not for my soul say no; so we rode in safety to
+Kilwangan, and I felt myself as proud as any prince when she
+promised to dance a country-dance with me.
+
+When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me
+that she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced
+the set with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but
+none like that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would
+not. Some of the prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I
+was the best dancer in the room. I made one attempt, but was too
+wretched to continue, and so remained alone all night in a state of
+agony. I would have played, but I had no money; only the gold piece
+that my mother bade me always keep in my purse as a gentleman
+should. I did not care for drink, or know the dreadful comfort of it
+in those days; but I thought of killing myself and Nora, and most
+certainly of making away with Captain Quin!
+
+At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies
+went off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out,
+and Miss Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a
+word. But we were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try
+with her coaxing and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour.
+
+'Sure it's a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you'll catch cold
+without a handkerchief to your neck.' To this sympathetic remark
+from the pillion, the saddle made no reply.
+
+'Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were
+together, I saw, all night.' To this the saddle only replied by
+grinding his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy.
+
+'O mercy! you'll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature
+you: and you know, Redmond, I'm so timid.' The pillion had by this
+got her arm round the saddle's waist, and perhaps gave it the
+gentlest squeeze in the world.
+
+'I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!' answers the saddle; 'and I only
+danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to
+dance chose to be engaged the whole night.'
+
+'Sure there were my sisters,' said the pillion, now laughing
+outright in the pride of her conscious superiority; 'and for me, my
+dear, I had not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged
+for every single set.'
+
+'Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?' said I;
+and oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora
+Brady at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in
+thinking that she had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen.
+Of course she replied that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin:
+that he danced prettily, to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a
+man; that he looked well in his regimentals too; and if he chose to
+ask her to dance, how could she refuse him?
+
+'But you refused me, Nora.'
+
+'Oh! I can dance with you any day,' answered Miss Nora, with a toss
+of her head; 'and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if
+you could find no other partner. Besides,' said Nora--and this was a
+cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and
+how mercilessly she used it,--'besides, Redmond, Captain Quin's a
+man and you are only a boy!'
+
+'If ever I meet him again,' I roared out with an oath, 'you shall
+see which is the best man of the two. I'll fight him with sword or
+with pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I'll fight any man--
+every man! Didn't I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years
+old?--Didn't I beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is
+nineteen?--Didn't I do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it's cruel of
+you to sneer at me so!'
+
+But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her
+sarcasms; she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a
+valiant soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it
+was mighty well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and
+farmers' boys, but to fight an Englishman was a very different
+matter.
+
+Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters in
+general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the
+Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur
+Conflans and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and
+where it was; we both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the
+French might be soundly beaten there.
+
+I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how
+much I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her
+infallible 'Ah! now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you're not
+big enough for anything more than a little drummer.' To which I
+replied, by swearing that a soldier I would be, and a general too.
+
+As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has
+ever since gone by the name of Redmond's Leap Bridge. It was an old
+high bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the
+mare Daisy with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora,
+giving a loose to her imagination, and still harping on the military
+theme (I would lay a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)--
+Miss Nora said, 'Suppose now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was
+passing over the bridge, and the inimy on the other side?'
+
+'I'd draw my sword, and cut my way through them.'
+
+'What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?' (This young
+lady was perpetually speaking of 'poor me!')
+
+'Well, then, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd jump Daisy into the
+river, and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.'
+
+'Jump twenty feet! you wouldn't dare to do any such thing on Daisy.
+There's the Captain's horse, Black George, I've heard say that
+Captain Qui--'
+
+She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual
+recurrence of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to 'hold
+tight by my waist,' and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang
+with Nora over the parapet into the deep water below. I don't know
+why, now--whether it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to
+perform an act that even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I
+fancied that the enemy actually was in front of us, I can't tell
+now; but over I went. The horse sank over his head, the girl
+screamed as she sank and screamed as she rose, and I landed her,
+half fainting, on the shore, where we were soon found by my uncle's
+people, who returned on hearing the screams. I went home, and was
+ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for six weeks; and
+I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, and, at the
+same time, still more violently in love than I had been even before.
+At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty
+constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake
+of me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good
+mother was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to
+forget. And, let me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a
+woman of her haughty disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave
+anybody, for my sake to give up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to
+receive her kindly. For, like a mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was
+always raving about and asking for; I would only accept medicines
+from her hand, and would look rudely and sulkily upon the good
+mother, who loved me better than anything else in the world, and
+gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and becoming
+jealousies, to make me happy.
+
+As I got well, I saw that Nora's visits became daily more rare: 'Why
+don't she come?' I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day;
+in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the
+best excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her
+ankle, or that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to
+soothe me. And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break
+her heart in her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face,
+so that I should know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did
+I take much pains to ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been
+very much touched even had I discovered it; for the commencement of
+manhood, I think, is the period of our extremest selfishness. We get
+such a desire then to take wing and leave the parent nest, that no
+tears, entreaties, or feelings of affection will counter-balance
+this overpowering longing after independence. She must have been
+very sad, that poor mother of mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that
+period of my life; and has often told me since what a pang of the
+heart it was to her to see all her care and affection of years
+forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of a little heartless
+jilt, who was only playing with me while she could get no better
+suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks of my
+illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, and
+making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break
+this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a
+secret: it was only by chance that I discovered it.
+
+Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat
+up in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so
+gracious and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and
+gladness, and I had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss
+that morning. I felt myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken,
+and promised my uncle, who had come to see me, to be ready against
+partridge-shooting, to accompany him, as my custom was.
+
+The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day
+which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor's and my
+mother's injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave
+the house, for the fresh air would be the death of me.
+
+Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I
+ever made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in
+those days when I knew no better. And though they are not so
+polished and elegant as 'Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,' and 'When
+Sol bedecks the Daisied Mead,' and other lyrical effusions of mine
+which obtained me so much reputation in after life, I still think
+them pretty good for a humble lad of fifteen:--
+
+THE ROSE OF FLORA.
+
+Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Br-dy, of Castle Brady.
+
+ On Brady's tower there grows a flower,
+   It is the loveliest flower that blows,--
+ At Castle Brady there lives a lady
+  (And how I love her no one knows):
+ Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora
+  Presents her with this blooming rose.
+
+'O Lady Nora,' says the goddess Flora,
+  'I've many a rich and bright parterre;
+ In Brady's towers there's seven more flowers,
+  But you're the fairest lady there:
+ Not all the county, nor Ireland's bounty,
+  Can projuice a treasure that's half so fair!
+
+ What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her!
+  Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew
+ Beneath her eyelid is like the vi'let,
+  That darkly glistens with gentle jew?
+ The lily's nature is not surely whiter
+  Than Nora's neck is,--and her arrums too.
+
+'Come, gentle Nora,' says the goddess Flora,
+  'My dearest creature, take my advice,
+ There is a poet, full well you know it,
+  Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,--
+ Young Redmond Barry, 'tis him you'll marry,
+  If rhyme and raisin you'd choose likewise.'
+
+On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned
+Phil the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in
+which I arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my
+illness that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with
+my notable copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady,
+bent upon beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and
+the birds sang so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more
+elated than I had been for months before, and sprang down the avenue
+(my uncle had cut down every stick of the trees, by the way) as
+brisk as a young fawn. My heart began to thump as I mounted the
+grass-grown steps of the terrace, and passed in by the rickety hall-
+door. The master and mistress were at church, Mr. Screw the butler
+told me (after giving a start back at seeing my altered appearance,
+and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of the young ladies.
+
+'Was Miss Nora one?' I asked.
+
+'No, Miss Nora was not one,' said Mr. Screw, assuming a very
+puzzled, and yet knowing look.
+
+'Where was she?' To this question he answered, or rather made
+believe to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle
+whether she was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother,
+or whether she and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she
+was ill in her room; and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw
+left me abruptly.
+
+I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables
+stand, and there I found a dragoon whistling the 'Roast Beef of Old
+England,' as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. 'Whose horse, fellow,
+is that?' cried I.
+
+'Feller, indeed!' replied the Englishman: 'the horse belongs to my
+captain, and he's a better FELLER nor you any day.'
+
+I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion,
+for a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the
+garden as quickly as I could.
+
+I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora
+pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel
+was fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling
+against his odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain
+Fagan of the Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora's
+sister Mysie.
+
+I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my
+knees fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came
+over me, that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against
+which I leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or
+two: then I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on
+the walk, loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I
+always wore in its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through
+the bodies of the delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I
+don't tell what feelings else besides those of rage were passing
+through my mind; what bitter blank disappointment, what mad wild
+despair, what a sensation as if the whole world was tumbling from
+under me; I make no doubt that my reader hath been jilted by the
+ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own sensations when the
+shock first fell upon him.
+
+'No, Norelia,' said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those
+times for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out
+of novels), 'except for you and four others, I vow before all the
+gods, my heart has never felt the soft flame!'
+
+'Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!' said she (the beast's name was
+John), 'your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some
+plant I've read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!'
+
+'Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?' said
+Captain Quin.
+
+'Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph
+such a question?'
+
+'Darling Norelia!' said he, raising her hand to his lips.
+
+I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out
+of her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled
+these out of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin's face, and
+rushed out with my little sword drawn, shrieking, 'She's a liar--
+she's a liar, Captain Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you
+are a man!' and with these words I leapt at the monster, and
+collared him, while Nora made the air echo with her screams; at the
+sound of which the other captain and Mysie hastened up.
+
+Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly
+attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the
+side of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders
+such as no chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and
+then exceedingly pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and
+clutched at his sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung
+herself round him, screaming, 'Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven's
+sake spare the child--he is but an infant.'
+
+'And ought to be whipped for his impudence,' said the Captain; 'but
+never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is
+safe from me.' So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of
+ribands which had fallen at Nora's feet, and handing it to her, said
+in a sarcastic tone, 'When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is
+time for OTHER gentlemen to retire.'
+
+'Good heavens, Quin!' cried the girl; 'he is but a boy.'
+
+'I am a man,' roared I, 'and will prove it.'
+
+'And don't signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn't I give
+a bit of riband to my own cousin?'
+
+'You are perfectly welcome, miss,' continued the Captain, 'as many
+yards as you like.'
+
+'Monster!' exclaimed the dear girl; 'your father was a tailor, and
+you are always thinking of the shop. But I'll have my revenge, I
+will! Reddy, will you see me insulted?'
+
+'Indeed, Miss Nora,' says I, 'I intend to have his blood as sure as
+my name's Redmond.'
+
+'I'll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,' said the Captain,
+regaining his self-possession; 'but as for you, miss, I have the
+honour to wish you a good-day.'
+
+He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was
+just walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had
+likewise been caught by the scream.
+
+'Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what's the matter here?' says Mick; 'Nora
+in tears, Redmond's ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making
+a bow?'
+
+'I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,' said the Englishman: 'I have
+had enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain't used to
+'em, sir.'
+
+'Well, well! what is it?' said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed
+Quin a great deal of money as it turned out); 'we'll make you used
+to our ways, or adopt English ones.'
+
+'It's not the English way for ladies to have two lovers' (the
+'Henglish way,' as the captain called it), 'and so, Mr. Brady, I'll
+thank you to pay me the sum you owe me, and I'll resign all claims
+to this young lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take
+'em, sir.'
+
+'Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,' said Mick.
+
+'I never was more in earnest,' replied the other.
+
+'By Heaven, then, look to yourself!' shouted Mick. 'Infamous
+seducer! infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this
+suffering angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her
+brother won't defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me
+cut the wicked heart out of your body!'
+
+'This is regular assassination,' said Quin, starting back; 'there's
+two on 'em on me at once. Fagan, you won't let 'em murder me?'
+
+'Faith!' said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, 'you may
+settle your own quarrel, Captain Quin;' and coming over to me,
+whispered, 'At him again, you little fellow.'
+
+'As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,' said I, 'I, of course, do
+not interfere.'
+
+'I do, sir--I do,' said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered.
+
+'Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!' cried Mick again.
+'Mysie, lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair
+play between us.'
+
+'Well now--I don't--give me time--I'm puzzled--I--I don't know which
+way to look.'
+
+'Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,' said Mr. Fagan
+drily, 'and there's pretty pickings on either side.'
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT
+
+During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady,
+under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was
+in hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of
+course, flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of
+fellow this Fagan was) prevented me, saying, 'I advise you to leave
+the young lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come
+to.' And so indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since
+that Fagan knew the world pretty well, for many's the lady I've seen
+in after times recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to
+help her, you may be sure, for, in the midst of the diversion,
+caused by her screaming, the faithless bully stole away.
+
+'Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?' said I to Mick; for it was
+my first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced
+velvet. 'Is it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of
+chastising this insolent Englishman?' And I held out my hand as I
+spoke, for my heart melted towards my cousin under the triumph of
+the moment.
+
+But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. 'You--you!' said
+he, in a towering passion; 'hang you for a meddling brat: your hand
+is in everybody's pie. What business had you to come brawling and
+quarrelling here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?'
+
+'Oh,' gasped Nora, from the stone bench, 'I shall die: I know I
+shall. I shall never leave this spot.'
+
+'The Captain's not gone yet,' whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving
+him an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house.
+
+'Meanwhile,' Mick continued, 'what business have you, you meddling
+rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?'
+
+'Rascal yourself!' roared I: 'call me another such name, Mick Brady,
+and I'll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to
+you when I was eleven years old. I'm your match now, and, by Jove,
+provoke me, and I'll beat you like--like your younger brother always
+did.' That was a home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury.
+
+'This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,' said
+Fagan, in a soothing tone.
+
+'The girl's old enough to be his mother,' growled Mick.
+
+'Old or not,' I replied: 'you listen to this, Mick Brady' (and I
+swore a tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): 'the man
+that marries Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?'
+
+'Pooh, sir,' said Mick, turning away, 'kill you--flog you, you mean!
+I'll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;' and so he went off.
+
+Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I
+was a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. 'But what Brady says is
+true,' continued he; 'it's a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is
+in such a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world,
+and if you will but follow my advice, you won't regret having taken
+it. Nora Brady has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are
+but fifteen, and she's four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you're
+old enough to marry, she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy,
+don't you see--though it's a hard matter to see--that she's a flirt,
+and does not care a pin for you or Quin either?'
+
+But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that)
+listens to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly,
+that Nora might love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should
+fight me before he married her--that I swore.
+
+'Faith,' says Fagan, 'I think you are a lad that's likely to keep
+your word;' and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked
+away likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he
+went through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I
+was quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had
+made believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it
+up, hid my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I
+would then have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband
+which I had flung at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for
+hours, as wretched as any man in Ireland, I believe, for the time
+being. But it's a changeable world! When we consider how great our
+sorrows SEEM, and how small they ARE; how we think we shall die of
+grief, and how quickly we forget, I think we ought to be ashamed of
+ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. For, after all, what business
+has time to bring us consolation? I have not, perhaps, in the course
+of my multifarious adventures and experience, hit upon the right
+woman; and have forgotten, after a little, every single creature I
+adored; but I think, if I could but have lighted on the right one, I
+would have loved her for EVER.
+
+I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench,
+for it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell
+clanged as usual at three o'clock, which wakened me up from my
+reverie. Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more
+took the riband. As I passed through the offices, I saw the
+Captain's saddle was still hanging up at the stable-door, and saw
+his odious red-coated brute of a servant swaggering with the
+scullion-girls and kitchen-people. 'The Englishman's still there,
+Master Redmond,' said one of the maids to me (a sentimental black-
+eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). 'He's there in the
+parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don't let him
+browbeat you, Master Redmond.'
+
+And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as
+usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover.
+
+'Hallo, Reddy my boy!' said my uncle, 'up and well?--that's right.'
+
+'He'd better be home with his mother,' growled my aunt.
+
+'Don't mind her,' says Uncle Brady; 'it's the cold goose she ate at
+breakfast didn't agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs.
+Brady, to Redmond's health.' It was evident he did not know of what
+had happened; but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost
+all the girls, looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish;
+and Miss Nora, who was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain
+Fagan sat smiling; and I looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the
+dinner would choke me: but I was determined to put a good face on
+it, and when the cloth was drawn, filled my glass with the rest; and
+we drank the King and the Church, as gentlemen should. My uncle was
+in high good-humour, and especially always joking with Nora and the
+Captain. It was, 'Nora, divide that merry-thought with the Captain!
+see who'll be married first.' 'Jack Quin, my dear boy, never mind a
+clean glass for the claret, we're short of crystal at Castle Brady;
+take Nora's and the wine will taste none the worse;' and so on. He
+was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had there been a
+reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover since they
+had come into the house?
+
+I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the
+custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this
+time, in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, 'Oh, pa! do
+let us go!' and said, 'No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise;
+this is a sort of toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my
+family, and you'll plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here's
+CAPTAIN AND MRS. JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack,
+you rogue: for 'faith you've got a treasure!'
+
+'He has already '----I screeched out, springing up.
+
+'Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!' said big Ulick, who
+sat by me; but I wouldn't hear.
+
+'He has already,' I screamed, 'been slapped in the face this
+morning, Captain John Quin; he's already been called coward, Captain
+John Quin; and this is the way I'll drink his health. Here's your
+health, Captain John Quin!' And I flung a glass of claret into his
+face. I don't know how he looked after it, for the next moment I
+myself was under the table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a
+violent cuff on the head as I went down; and I had hardly leisure to
+hear the general screaming and skurrying that was taking place above
+me, being so fully occupied with kicks, and thumps, and curses, with
+which Ulick was belabouring me. 'You fool!' roared he--' you great
+blundering marplot--you silly beggarly brat' (a thump at each),
+'hold your tongue!' These blows from Ulick, of course, I did not
+care for, for he had always been my friend, and had been in the
+habit of thrashing me all my life.
+
+When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I
+had the satisfaction of seeing the Captain's nose was bleeding, as
+mine was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for
+ever. Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and
+pushed the bottle to me. 'There, you young donkey,' said he, 'sup
+that; and let's hear no more of your braying.'
+
+'In Heaven's name, what does all the row mean?' says my uncle. 'Is
+the boy in the fever again?'
+
+'It's all your fault,' said Mick sulkily: 'yours and those who
+brought him here.'
+
+'Hold your noise, Mick!' says Ulick, turning on him; 'speak civil of
+my father and me, and don't let me be called upon to teach you
+manners.'
+
+'It IS your fault,' repeated Mick. 'What business has the vagabond
+here? If I had my will, I'd have him flogged and turned out.'
+
+'And so he should be,' said Captain Quin.
+
+'You'd best not try it, Quin,' said Ulick, who was always my
+champion; and turning to his father, 'The fact is, sir, that the
+young monkey has fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the
+Captain mighty sweet in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack
+Quin.'
+
+'Gad, he's beginning young,' said my uncle, quite good-humouredly.
+''Faith, Fagan, that boy's a Brady, every inch of him.'
+
+'And I'll tell you what, Mr. B.,' cried Quin, bristling up: 'I've
+been insulted grossly in this 'OUSE. I ain't at all satisfied with
+these here ways of going on. I'm an Englishman I am, and a man of
+property; and I--I'--'If you're insulted, and not satisfied,
+remember there's two of us, Quin,' said Ulick gruffly. On which the
+Captain fell to washing his nose in water, and answered never a
+word.
+
+'Mr. Quin,' said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, 'may
+also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond
+Barry, Esquire, of Barryville.' At which speech my uncle burst out
+a-laughing (as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain
+Fagan, much to my mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly
+upon him, however, and bade him to understand that as for my cousin
+Ulick, who had been my best friend through life, I could put up with
+rough treatment from him; yet, though I was a boy, even that sort of
+treatment I would bear from him no longer; and any other person who
+ventured on the like would find me a man, to their cost. 'Mr. Quin,'
+I added, 'knows that fact very well; and if HE'S a man, he'll know
+where to find me.'
+
+My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother
+would be anxious about me. 'One of you had better go home with him,'
+said he, turning to his sons, 'or the lad may be playing more
+pranks.' But Ulick said, with a nod to his brother, 'Both of us ride
+home with Quin here.'
+
+'I'm not afraid of Freny's people,' said the Captain, with a faint
+attempt at a laugh; 'my man is armed, and so am I.'
+
+'You know the use of arms very well, Quin,' said Ulick; 'and no one
+can doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all
+that.'
+
+'Why, you'll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan's a good ten
+mile from here.'
+
+'We'll sleep at Quin's quarters,' replied Ulick: 'WE'RE GOING TO
+STOP A WEEK THERE.'
+
+'Thank you,' says Quin, very faint; 'it's very kind of you.'
+
+'You'll be lonely, you know, without us.'
+
+'Oh yes, very lonely!' says Quin.
+
+'And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,' says Ulick (and here he whispered
+something in the Captain's ear, in which I thought I caught the
+words 'marriage,' 'parson,' and felt all my fury returning again).
+
+'As you please,' whined out the Captain; and the horses were
+quickly brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away.
+
+Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle's injunction, walked across the old
+treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he
+thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which
+opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu.
+
+'A pretty day's work of it you have made, Master Redmond,' said he.
+'What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be
+distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring
+fifteen hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off
+the four thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes
+a girl without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder
+bullock. Well, well, don't look furious; let's say she IS handsome--
+there's no accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging
+herself at the head of every man in these parts these ten years
+past, and MISSING them all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of
+fifteen--well, sixteen, if you insist--and a boy who ought to be
+attached to your uncle as to your father'--
+
+'And so I am,' said I.
+
+'And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn't he
+harbour you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn't he
+given you rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now,
+when his affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his
+old age to be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him
+and competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most
+obliged to him. It's wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of
+such spirit as you are, I expect a truer courage.'
+
+'I am not afraid of any man alive,' exclaimed I (for this latter
+part of the Captain's argument had rather staggered me, and I
+wished, of course, to turn it--as one always should when the enemy's
+too strong); 'and it's _I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man
+was ever, since the world began, treated so. Look here--look at this
+riband. I've worn it in my heart for six months. I've had it there
+all the time of the fever. Didn't Nora take it out of her own bosom
+and give it me? Didn't she kiss me when she gave it me, and call me
+her darling Redmond?'
+
+'She was PRACTISING,' replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. 'I know
+women, sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house,
+and they'll fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young
+lady in Fermoy'--
+
+'A young lady in flames,' roared I (but I used a still hotter word).
+'Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I'll fight the man who
+pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I'll follow him, if it's into
+the church, and meet him there. I'll have his blood, or he shall
+have mine; and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I
+kill him, I'll pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take
+back her token.' This I said because I was very much excited at the
+time, and because I had not read novels and romantic plays for
+nothing.
+
+'Well,' says Fagan after a pause, 'if it must be, it must. For a
+young fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin's a
+determined fellow, too.'
+
+'Will you take my message to him?' said I, quite eagerly.
+
+'Hush!' said Fagan: 'your mother may be on the look-out. Here we
+are, close to Barryville.'
+
+'Mind! not a word to my mother,' I said; and went into the house
+swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a
+chance against the Englishman I hated so.
+
+Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother's return
+from church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and
+anxious for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the
+invitation of the sentimental lady's-maid; and when he had had his
+own share of the good things in the kitchen, which was always better
+furnished than ours at home, had walked back again to inform his
+mistress where I was, and, no doubt, to tell her, in his own
+fashion, of all the events that had happened at Castle Brady. In
+spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, I half suspected that my
+mother knew all, from the manner in which she embraced me on my
+arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The poor soul looked
+a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then gazed very hard
+in the Captain's face; but she said not a word about the quarrel,
+for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone of
+her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has
+become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was
+a MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was
+at the service of any gentleman's gizzard, upon the slightest
+difference. But the good old times and usages are fast fading away.
+One scarcely every hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those
+cowardly pistols, in place of the honourable and manly weapon of
+gentlemen, has introduced a deal of knavery into the practice of
+duelling, that cannot be sufficiently deplored.
+
+When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and
+welcoming Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my
+mother, in a majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be
+thirsty after his walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of
+the yellow-sealed Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately.
+
+Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is,
+that six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the
+house down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but
+I felt I was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother
+felt this too, for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply,
+'Don't you hear, you rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the
+wine, and the cakes and glasses, directly.' Then (for you may be
+sure she did not give Tim the keys of our little cellar) she went
+and got the liquor herself; and Tim brought it in, on the silver
+tray, in due form. My dear mother poured out the wine, and drank the
+Captain welcome; but I observed her hand shook very much as she
+performed this courteous duty, and the bottle went clink, clink,
+against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, she said she had a
+headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her blessing, as
+becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the
+respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)--
+and she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important
+business.
+
+'Indeed,' said the Captain,' I see now no other way out of the
+scrape than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle
+Brady, after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that
+he would cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss
+Honoria induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now,
+however, matters have gone too far. No officer, bearing His
+Majesty's commission, can receive a glass of wine on his nose--this
+claret of yours is very good, by the way, and by your leave we'll
+ring for another bottle--without resenting the affront. Fight you
+must; and Quin is a huge strong fellow.'
+
+'He'll give the better mark,' said I. 'I am not afraid of him.'
+
+'In faith,' said the Captain,' I believe you are not; for a lad, I
+never saw more game in my life.'
+
+'Look at that sword, sir,' says I, pointing to an elegant silver-
+mounted one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece,
+under the picture of my father, Harry Barry. 'It was with that
+sword, sir, that my father pinked Mohawk O'Driscol, in Dublin, in
+the year 1740; with that sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone
+Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, and ran him through the neck.
+They met on horseback, with sword and pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as
+I dare say you have heard tell of, and those are the pistols' (they
+hung on each side of the picture) 'which the gallant Barry used. He
+was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady Fuddlestone, when in
+liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a gentleman, he scorned
+to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball through his hat,
+before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry's son, sir, and
+will act as becomes my name and my quality.'
+
+'Give me a kiss, my dear boy,' said Fagan, with tears in his eyes.
+'You're after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall
+never want a friend or a second.'
+
+Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to
+my Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind
+friend. But we don't know what is in store for us, and that night
+was a merry one at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I
+could hear the poor mother going downstairs for each, but she never
+came into the parlour with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr.
+Tim): and we parted at length, he engaging to arrange matters with
+Mr. Quin's second that night, and to bring me news in the morning as
+to the place where the meeting should take place. I have often
+thought since, how different my fate might have been, had I not
+fallen in love with Nora at that early age; and had I not flung the
+wine in Quin's face, and so brought on the duel. I might have
+settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss Quinlan was an
+heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, of Kilwangan,
+left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had either of
+them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be a
+wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very
+early age: as you shall hear anon.
+
+I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier
+than usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of
+the day, for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my
+room--had I not been writing those verses to Nora but the day
+previous, like a poor fond fool as I was? And now I sat down and
+wrote a couple of letters more: they might be the last, thought I,
+that I ever should write in my life. The first was to my mother:--
+
+'Honoured Madam'--I wrote--'This will not be given you unless I fall
+by the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of
+honour, with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian
+and a gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a
+mother as you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a
+dutiful son. I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and
+which I called after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned
+to Castle Brady, and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to
+Phil Purcell, the gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick,
+and all the girls of MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son,
+
+'REDMOND BARRY.'
+
+To Nora I wrote:--
+
+'This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave
+me. It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin's, whom
+I hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your
+marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave
+it, and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake.
+
+'REDMOND.'
+
+These letters being written, and sealed with my father's great
+silver seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my
+mother was waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single
+word about what was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of
+anything but that; about who was at church the day before, and about
+my wanting new clothes now I was grown so tall. She said I must have
+a suit against winter, if--if--she could afford it. She winced
+rather at the 'if,' Heaven bless her! I knew what was in her mind.
+And then she fell to telling me about the black pig that must be
+killed, and that she had found the speckled hen's nest that morning,
+whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling talk. Some of these
+eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a good appetite; but in
+helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she started up with a
+scream. 'THANK GOD,' said she, 'IT'S FALLEN TOWARDS ME.' And then,
+her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they have their
+faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like them?
+
+When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father
+had vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?--
+the brave woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she
+had the courage of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took
+down the pistols, which were always kept bright and well oiled, and
+put some fresh flints I had into the locks, and got balls and powder
+ready against the Captain should come. There was claret and a cold
+fowl put ready for him on the sideboard, and a case-bottle of old
+brandy too, with a couple of little glasses on the silver tray with
+the Barry arms emblazoned. In after life, and in the midst of my
+fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five guineas, and almost as
+much more interest, to the London goldsmith who supplied my father
+with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would only give me
+sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the honour of
+rascally tradesmen!
+
+At eleven o'clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a
+mounted dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation
+which my mother's care had provided for him, and then said, 'Look
+ye, Redmond my boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry
+Quin, mark my words; and as sure as she does you'll forget her. You
+are but a boy. Quin is willing to consider you as such. Dublin's a
+fine place, and if you have a mind to take a ride thither and see
+the town for a month, here are twenty guineas at your service. Make
+Quin an apology, and be off.'
+
+'A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,' says I, 'dies, but never apologises.
+I'll see the Captain hanged before I apologise.'
+
+'Then there's nothing for it but a meeting.'
+
+'My mare is saddled and ready,' says I; 'where's the meeting, and
+who's the Captain's second?'
+
+'Your cousins go out with him,' answered Mr. Fagan.
+
+'I'll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,' I said, 'as soon as
+you have rested yourself.' Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora,
+and I rode away, but I didn't take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains
+of her bedroom windows were down, and they didn't move as we mounted
+and trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen
+her as she came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she
+gave as she hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without
+a wound in his body.
+
+What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the
+ground, Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin,
+flaming in red regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier
+company. The party were laughing together at some joke of one or the
+other: and I must say I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my
+cousins, who were met, perhaps, to see the death of one of their
+kindred.
+
+'I hope to spoil this sport,' says I to Captain Fagan, in a great
+rage, 'and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully's
+body.'
+
+'Oh! it's with pistols we fight,' replied Mr. Fagan. 'You are no
+match for Quin with the sword.'
+
+'I'll match any man with the sword,' said I.
+
+'But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He
+knocked his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he
+was riding home, and can scarce move it now.'
+
+'Not against Castle Brady gate,' says I: 'that has been off the
+hinges these ten years.' On which Fagan said it must have been some
+other gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my
+cousins, when, on alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted
+those gentlemen.
+
+'Oh yes! dead lame,' said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand,
+while Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. 'And
+very lucky for you, Redmond my boy,' continued Ulick; 'you were a
+dead man else; for he is a devil of a fellow--isn't he, Fagan?'
+
+'A regular Turk,' answered Fagan; adding, 'I never yet knew the man
+who stood to Captain Quin.'
+
+'Hang the business!' said Ulick; 'I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. Say
+you're sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.'
+
+'If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed'--here
+interposed Mr. Quin.
+
+'I am NOT sorry--I'll NOT apologise--and I'll as soon go to DUBLING
+as to--!' said I, with a stamp of my foot.
+
+'There's nothing else for it,' said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan.
+'Take your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?'
+
+'Ten, sir,' said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; 'and make them short
+ones, do you hear, Captain Fagan?'
+
+'Don't bully, Mr. Quin,' said Ulick surlily; 'here are the pistols.'
+And he added, with some emotion, to me, 'God bless you, my boy; and
+when I count three, fire.'
+
+Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine
+(which were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of
+Ulick's. 'They are all right,' said he. 'Never fear: and, Redmond,
+fire at his neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool
+shows himself open.' Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and
+the Captain retired to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was
+slowly given, and I had leisure to cover my man well. I saw him
+changing colour and trembling as the numbers were given. At 'three,'
+both our pistols went off. I heard something whizz by me, and my
+antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, staggered backwards and
+fell.
+
+'He's down--he's down!' cried the seconds, running towards him.
+Ulick lifted him up--Mick took his head.
+
+'He's hit here, in the neck,' said Mick; and laying open his coat,
+blood was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at
+which I aimed.
+
+'How is it with you?' said Ulick. 'Is he really hit?' said he,
+looking hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when
+the support of Ulick's arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once
+more, and fell backwards.
+
+'The young fellow has begun well,' said Mick, with a scowl. 'You had
+better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind
+of the business before we left Kilwangan.'
+
+'Is he quite dead?' said I.
+
+'Quite dead,' answered Mick.
+
+'Then the world's rid of A COWARD,' said Captain Fagan, giving the
+huge prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. 'It's all over
+with him, Reddy,--he doesn't stir.'
+
+'WE are not cowards, Fagan,' said Ulick roughly, 'whatever he was!
+Let's get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a
+cart, and take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has
+been a sad day's work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed
+us of 1500(pounds) a year.'
+
+'It was Nora did it,' said I; 'not I.' And I took the riband she
+gave me out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on
+the body of Captain Quin. 'There!' says I--'take her those ribands.
+She'll know what they mean: and that's all that's left to her of two
+lovers she had and ruined.'
+
+I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my
+enemy prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered
+him honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood.
+
+'And now, in Heaven's name, get the youngster out of the way,' said
+Mick.
+
+Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped,
+never drawing bridle till we came to my mother's door. When there,
+Ulick told Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that
+day; and I was in the poor mother's arms in a minute.
+
+I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she
+heard from Ulick's lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He
+urged, however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and
+it was agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and,
+taking that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters
+were blown over. This arrangement was not come to without some
+discussion; for why should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said,
+as my cousin and Ulick at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got
+near THEM; why should constables be enabled to come upon me? But
+Ulick persisted in the necessity of my instant departure; in which
+argument, as I was anxious to see the world, I must confess, I sided
+with him; and my mother was brought to see that in our small house
+at Barryville, in the midst of the village, and with the guard but
+of a couple of servants, escape would be impossible. So the kind
+soul was forced to yield to my cousin's entreaties, who promised
+her, however, that the affair would soon be arranged, and that I
+should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he know what fortune
+was in store for me!
+
+My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation
+was to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had
+been consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that
+all the signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking
+from her escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for
+me (she had herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise,
+to be placed at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes,
+linen, and a silver dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too,
+to keep the sword and the pistols I had known to use so like a man.
+She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I know, was full),
+and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was once more
+on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I need
+not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I
+had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY
+sad who has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his
+pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the
+kind mother left alone, and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow,
+and all the wonders it would bring.
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD
+
+I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and
+being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it
+as Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I
+was of the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to
+Trinity College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome
+appearance, silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord
+made free to send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged,
+you may be sure, pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman
+in those good old days went to bed without a good share of liquor to
+set him sleeping, and on this my first day's entrance into the
+world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman completely; and, I
+assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The excitement of
+the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting with
+Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the
+claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the
+death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I
+have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my
+affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, that where a
+gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be
+ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could
+sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast;
+and exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not
+forgetting to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman
+should. I began so the first day of my life, and so have continued.
+No man has been at greater straits than I, and has borne more
+pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I
+had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as
+well as a lord could do.
+
+I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person,
+parts, and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had
+twenty gold guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was
+mistaken) I calculated would last me for four months at least,
+during which time something would be done towards the making of my
+fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, or chatting with the
+passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God save me for a
+clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between to-day and
+yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. I
+vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I
+kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time.
+
+There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in
+those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you
+from one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The
+gentry rode their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and
+spent three days on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that
+there was no lack of company for a person travelling towards Dublin.
+I made part of the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well-
+armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord,
+with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He asked me the
+question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my mother
+was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as
+myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a
+holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that had already done
+execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked
+man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. She was a
+much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not wish to
+fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in
+reputable condition.
+
+As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people
+assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I
+thought, making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling
+'Stop thief!' at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were
+only laughing at his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the
+adventure which had just befallen.
+
+'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one
+fellow.
+
+'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!'
+cries another.
+
+'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said
+a third.
+
+'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and,
+seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash
+of my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has
+happened, madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my
+hat, and bringing my mare up in a prance to the chair window.
+
+The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was
+hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped
+by a highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on
+his knees armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in
+the next field working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of
+them would help her; but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as
+they called the highwayman, good luck.
+
+'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck
+to him!'
+
+'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told,
+grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed
+the jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had
+mounted his horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed
+two barristers who were going the circuit.
+
+I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should
+taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort
+Mrs. Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?'
+'Everything: her purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her
+jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of
+the Captain's.' These mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing
+her by her accent to be an Englishwoman, deplored the difference
+that existed between the two countries, and said that in OUR country
+(meaning England) such atrocities were unknown.
+
+'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of
+surprise. On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I
+was; and I never knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not
+wish he could say as much.
+
+I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she
+had been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple
+of pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was
+graciously pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough
+to invite me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding
+my birth and parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of
+large fortune (this was not true; but what is the use of crying bad
+fish? my dear mother instructed me early in this sort of prudence)
+and good family in the county of Waterford; that I was going to
+Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five hundred
+per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the
+daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of
+course, I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well-
+bred to say so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match
+with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?--No! That
+was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a hundred thousand acres
+there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest mansion in Ireland.
+Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled
+with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went on to tell
+me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse-
+races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite
+eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think
+that my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from
+being presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the
+most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that
+of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence
+she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke
+French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I
+knew a few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was
+no judge of that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL
+English person I had ever met. She recommended me, further, to be
+very cautious with regard to the company I should meet at Dublin,
+where rogues and adventurers of all countries abounded; and my
+delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as our
+conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she
+kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house,
+where her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her
+gallant young preserver.
+
+'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which
+was perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery
+to prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls?
+
+'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering
+servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was
+waiting on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in
+copper, and the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?'
+
+But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of
+the room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool
+didn't know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was
+in the pocket-book that Freny took from her.'
+
+Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I
+should have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of
+fashion she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories
+for truth, and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid
+it with the air of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the
+two pieces I had lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards
+Dublin, into which city we made our entrance at nightfall. The
+rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare of the linkboys, the
+number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with the greatest
+wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, according to
+my dear mother's directions, who told me that it was the mark of a
+man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that
+any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel
+than what he had been accustomed to at home.
+
+We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and
+were let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville,
+where there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced
+man, without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap,
+made his appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it
+was Captain Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed,
+when he saw that a stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more
+rapturously than ever. In introducing me, she persisted in saying
+that I was her preserver, and complimented my gallantry as much as
+if I had killed Freny, instead of coming up when the robbery was
+over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds of Waterford intimately
+well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew nothing of the family to
+which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by asking WHICH of
+the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in our family.
+He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' says I, 'mine
+are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off the scent.
+I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the
+Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer.
+
+Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a
+cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had
+known of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most
+delicious venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent
+us, with a flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine,
+my dear? But as bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say
+ye to a fine lobster and a bottle of as good claret as any in
+Ireland? Betty, clear these things from the table, and make the
+mistress and our young friend welcome to our home.'
+
+Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a
+tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady,
+handing out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get
+the change for that, and procure the supper; which she did
+presently, bringing back only a very few shillings out of the guinea
+to her mistress, saying that the fishmonger had kept the remainder
+for an old account. 'And the more great big blundering fool you, for
+giving the gold piece to him,' roared Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how
+many hundred guineas he said he had paid the fellow during the year.
+
+Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a
+plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of
+the city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on
+terms of the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke
+of my own estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told
+all the stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and
+some that, perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware
+that my host was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own
+blunders and misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was
+some time before I knew that I had made no very desirable
+acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went
+to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck in having,
+at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished a
+couple.
+
+The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me
+to imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal,
+was not as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been
+an English lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been
+aroused instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so
+particular in Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this
+precise country; hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike
+me so much. For were not all the windows broken and stuffed with
+rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever
+a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a handle to the lock or a
+hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom boasted of these
+inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was evidently
+a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, and my cracked toilet-
+glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this sort
+of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man
+of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID
+open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags;
+so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my
+silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers,
+where it shone to great advantage.
+
+When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare,
+which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot
+shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone.
+
+'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess
+not without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said
+he. 'And maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the
+cat too, and you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's
+head in reply to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in
+the parlour for breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same
+cloth that had been used the night before: as I recognised by the
+black mark of the Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of
+porter at supper.
+
+My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was
+an elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may
+say of myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than
+I. I had not the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have
+since attained (to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-
+stones in my fingers; but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had
+arrived at near my present growth of six feet, and with my hair in
+buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands to my shirt, and a red
+plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the gentleman I was born.
+I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was grown too small for
+me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit
+to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more fitting my
+size.
+
+'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young
+Fred Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven
+months, during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE
+was satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.'
+
+After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons
+introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his
+particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also
+presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great
+expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that
+I should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted
+me to a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did
+not care to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a
+renewal of raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome
+military frock, which he selected.
+
+Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to
+the Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young
+gentry were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her
+preserver of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary
+account of me, that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered
+as a young gentleman of the highest family in the land, related to
+all the principal nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir
+to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of
+my estate; and 'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I
+let him have his way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is)
+to be made much of, and to pass for a great personage. I had little
+notion then that I had got among a set of impostors--that Captain
+Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his lady a person of no
+credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is perpetually
+subject, and hence let young men take warning by me.
+
+I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the
+incidents were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky
+self, and of which my companions were certainly not of a kind
+befitting my quality. The fact was, a young man could hardly have
+fallen into worse hands than those in which I now found myself. I
+have been to Donegal since, and have never seen the famous Castle of
+Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to the oldest
+inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much better
+known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen
+were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast
+wars of later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen's
+footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had
+been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his
+origin, of course I would have died rather than have associated with
+him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales for truth,
+and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into life,
+introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny.
+When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events
+of my life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been
+anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its
+most fantastic tricks upon me.
+
+The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no
+higher rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort
+of ordinary which they held, and at which their friends were always
+welcome on payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After
+dinner, you may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the
+company who played did not play for love merely. To these parties
+persons of all sorts would come: young bloods from the regiments
+garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the Castle; horse-riding,
+wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about town, such as
+existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city with which
+I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such a
+show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with
+what I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an
+Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more
+than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young Irish
+buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle,
+and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a
+patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client:
+neither had a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and
+the best of clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a
+living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor
+than they had or sold; and men of similar character, formed the
+society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What
+could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such
+company?--(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were,
+perhaps, no better than the males)--and in a very very short time I
+became their prey.
+
+As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror,
+that they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having
+already made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it
+is true, a couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about
+me played upon honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred
+that medium to the payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on
+account.
+
+With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means;
+and in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the
+tradesmen took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since
+learned that the rascal pigeoned several other young men of
+property), and for a little time supplied me with any goods I might
+be pleased to order. At length, my cash running low, I was compelled
+to pawn some of the suits with which the tailor had provided me; for
+I did not like to part with my mare, on which I daily rode in the
+Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected uncle. I raised
+some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had purchased of a
+jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was enabled to
+keep up appearances for yet a little time.
+
+I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond,
+but none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather
+relieved when the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very
+anxious that my mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant
+life which I was leading at Dublin. It could not last very long,
+however; for when my cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second
+visit to the tailor, requesting him to make me more clothes, the
+fellow hummed and ha'd, and had the impudence to ask payment for
+those already supplied: on which, telling him I should withdraw my
+custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a rascal
+Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy;
+and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to
+it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons's
+boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for
+eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, owing
+Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that
+person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for
+my mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out
+of the stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in
+vain that I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my
+pocket--one of Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's,
+and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head,
+and laughed at every one of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master
+Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and let me
+whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands--it's a
+regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality
+should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise,
+pay the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to
+your parents,--it's the very best thing you can do.'
+
+In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if
+all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home
+and ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the
+Captain and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe
+lying on the ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious
+Fitzsimons. 'Whom have I been harbouring in my house?' roared he, as
+I entered the apartment. 'Who are you, sirrah?'
+
+'SIRRAH! Sir,' said I, 'I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.'
+
+'You're an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!' shouted the
+Captain.
+
+'Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,'
+replied I.
+
+'Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY.
+Ah! you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come
+like a viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent
+yourself as the heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I
+inthrojuice you to the nobility and genthry of this methropolis'
+(the Captain's brogue was large, and his words, by preference,
+long); 'I take you to my tradesmen, who give you credit, and what do
+I find? That you have pawned the goods which you took up at their
+houses.'
+
+'I have given them my acceptances, sir,' said I with a dignified
+air.
+
+'UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?' screamed Mrs.
+Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the
+documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else
+could I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other
+designation? After uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he
+spoke of the fatal discovery of my real name on my linen--of his
+misplaced confidence of affection, and the shame with which he
+should be obliged to meet his fashionable friends and confess that
+he had harboured a swindler, he gathered up the linen, clothes,
+silver toilet articles, and the rest of my gear, saying that he
+should step out that moment for an officer and give me up to the
+just revenge of the law.
+
+During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence
+of which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was
+plunged, had so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a
+word in reply to the fellow's abuse, but had stood quite dumb before
+him. The sense of danger, however, at once roused me to action.
+'Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,' said I; 'I will tell you why I was
+obliged to alter my name: which is Barry, and the best name in
+Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on the day before I came to
+Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an Englishman, sir, and a
+captain in His Majesty's service; and if you offer to let or hinder
+me in the slightest way, the same arm which destroyed him is ready
+to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don't leave this room
+alive!'
+
+So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a 'ha! ha!'
+and a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons's
+heart, who started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with
+a scream, flung herself between us.
+
+'Dearest Redmond,' she cried, 'be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don't
+want the poor child's blood. Let him escape--in Heaven's name let
+him go.'
+
+'He may go hang for me,' said Fitzsimons sulkily; 'and he'd better
+be off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called
+once, and will be here again before long. It was Moses the
+pawnbroker that peached: I had the news from him myself.' By which I
+conclude that Mr. Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat
+which he procured from the merchant tailor on the day when the
+latter first gave me credit.
+
+What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the
+descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in
+the duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I
+must confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and
+choose: no place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of
+me, left the room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that
+we should shake hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I
+owed the fellow nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance
+actually in my pocket for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs.
+Fitzsimons, she sat down on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She
+had her faults, but her heart was kind; and though she possessed but
+three shillings in the world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul
+made me take it before I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made
+up: there was a score of recruiting-parties in the town beating up
+for men to join our gallant armies in America and Germany; I knew
+where to find one of these, having stood by the sergeant at a review
+in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed out to me characters on the
+field, for which I treated him to drink.
+
+I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the
+Fitzsimonses, and, running into the street, hastened to the little
+alehouse at which my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten
+minutes had accepted His Majesty's shilling. I told him frankly that
+I was a young gentleman in difficulties; that I had killed an
+officer in a duel, and was anxious to get out of the country. But I
+need not have troubled myself with any explanations; King George was
+too much in want of men then to heed from whence they came, and a
+fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was always welcome. Indeed,
+I could not, he said, have chosen my time better. A transport was
+lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on board that ship, to
+which I marched that night, I made some surprising discoveries,
+which shall be told in the next chapter.
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY
+
+I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all
+descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I
+at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, the
+recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the
+reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we
+soldiers were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was
+now forced to keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets,
+who had taken refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had
+done myself), is enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls
+the blush into my old cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such
+company. I should have fallen into despair, but that, luckily,
+events occurred to rouse my spirits, and in some measure to console
+me for my misfortunes.
+
+The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took
+place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a
+huge red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to
+fly from a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than
+a match for him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his
+name--got away from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his
+natural courage and ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of
+all round about him. All recruits, especially, were the object of
+the brute's insult and ill-treatment.
+
+I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over
+a platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us
+at mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was
+served, like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat
+more than half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and
+filthy that I could not help turning round to the messman and
+saying, 'Fellow, get me a glass!' At which all the wretches round
+about me burst into a roar of laughter, the very loudest among them
+being, of course, Mr. Toole. 'Get the gentleman a towel for his
+hands, and serve him a basin of turtle-soup,' roared the monster,
+who was sitting, or rather squatting, on the deck opposite me; and
+as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of grog and emptied it, in
+the midst of another burst of applause.
+
+'If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who
+BATES him,' here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-
+boy, who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military
+life.
+
+'Is it a towel of your wife's washing, Mr. Toole?' said I. 'I'm told
+she wiped your face often with one.'
+
+'Ax him why he wouldn't see her yesterday, when she came to the
+ship,' continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other
+foolish jokes about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set
+the man into a fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us.
+We should have fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines,
+who kept watch at the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain
+and have a fancy to escape, came forward and interposed between us
+with fixed bayonets; but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and
+hearing the dispute, condescended to say that we might fight it out
+like men with FISTES if we chose, and that the fore-deck should be
+free to us for that purpose. But the use of fistes, as the
+Englishman called them, was not then general in Ireland, and it was
+agreed that we should have a pair of cudgels; with one of which
+weapons I finished the fellow in four minutes, giving him a thump
+across his stupid sconce which laid him lifeless on the deck, and
+not receiving myself a single hurt of consequence.
+
+This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect
+among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my
+spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily
+made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old
+friend. This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had
+sent me thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a
+young nobleman who had a company in our regiment (Gale's foot), and
+who, preferring the delights of the Mall and the clubs to the
+dangers of a rough campaign, had given Fagan the opportunity of an
+exchange; which, as the latter had no fortune but his sword, he was
+glad to make. The sergeant was putting us through our exercise on
+deck (the seamen and officers of the transport looking grinning on)
+when a boat came from the shore bringing our captain to the ship;
+and though I started and blushed red as he recognised me--a
+descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I promise you
+that the sight of Fagan's face was most welcome to me, for it
+assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so
+melancholy that I would certainly have deserted had I found the
+means, and had not the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent
+any such escapes. Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered
+no public token of acquaintance; it was not until two days
+afterwards, and when we had bidden adieu to old Ireland and were
+standing out to sea, that he called me into his cabin, and then,
+shaking hands with me cordially, gave me news, which I much wanted,
+of my family. 'I had news of you in Dublin,' he said. ''Faith you've
+begun early, like your father's son; and I think you could not do
+better than as you have done. But why did you not write home to your
+poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at Dublin.'
+
+I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were
+none for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed,
+after the first week, to write to my mother.
+
+'We must write to her by the pilot,' said he, 'who will leave us in
+two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to
+Brown Bess.' I sighed when he talked about being married; on which
+he said with a laugh, 'I see you are thinking of a certain young
+lady at Brady's Town.'
+
+'Is Miss Brady well?' said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for
+I certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her
+in the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man
+very affectionate.
+
+'There's only seven Miss Bradys now,' answered Fagan, in a solemn
+voice. 'Poor Nora'--
+
+'Good heavens! what of her?' I thought grief had killed her.
+
+'She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console
+herself with a husband. She's now Mrs. John Quin.'
+
+'Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?' asked I, quite
+wonder-stricken.
+
+'No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The
+ball you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made
+of tow. Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a
+year out of the family?' And then Fagan further told me that, in
+order to get me out of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could
+never be brought to marry from fear of me--the plan of the duel had
+been arranged. 'But hit him you certainly did, Redmond, and with a
+fine thick plugget of tow; and the fellow was so frightened, that he
+was an hour in coming to. We told your mother the story afterwards,
+and a pretty scene she made; she despatched a half-score of letters
+to Dublin after you, but I suppose addressed them to you in your
+real name, by which you never thought to ask for them.'
+
+'The coward!' said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably
+relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). 'And did the
+Bradys of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into
+one of the most ancient and honourable families in the world?'
+
+'He has paid off your uncle's mortgage,' said Fagan; 'he gives Nora
+a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of
+the Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has
+been the making of your uncle's family. 'Faith! the business was
+well done.' And then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had
+never let him out of their sight, although he was for deserting to
+England, until the marriage was completed and the happy couple off
+on their road to Dublin. 'Are you in want of cash, my boy?'
+continued the good-natured Captain. 'You may draw upon me, for I got
+a couple of hundred out of Master Quin for my share, and while they
+last you shall never want.'
+
+And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I
+did forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I
+had been guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that
+moment under what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had
+embarked for Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely
+finished when the pilot sang out that he was going on shore; and he
+departed, taking with him, from many an anxious fellow besides
+myself, our adieux to friends in old Ireland.
+
+Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and
+have been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as
+well confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman
+who assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any
+military decoration higher than a corporal's stripe of worsted. I
+was made corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my
+rank was confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too,
+and afterwards, perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but
+Fate did not intend that I should remain long an English soldier: as
+shall appear presently. Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable;
+my adventures were told by Fagan to his brother officers, who
+treated me with kindness; and my victory over the big chairman
+procured me respect from my comrades of the fore-deck. Encouraged
+and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty resolutely; but,
+though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never at first
+condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, was
+called generally amongst them 'my Lord.' I believe it was the ex-
+link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that
+I should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom.
+
+It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to
+explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe
+was engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be
+so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to
+understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a
+chapter than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader
+with any personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know
+is, that after His Majesty's love of his Hanoverian dominions had
+rendered him most unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at
+the head of the anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt
+becoming Minister, the rest of the empire applauded the war as much
+as they had hated it before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld
+were in every-body's mouths, and 'the Protestant hero,' as we used
+to call the godless old Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a
+saint, a very short time after we had been about to make war against
+him in alliance with the Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on
+Frederick's side: the Empress, the French, the Swedes, and the
+Russians, were leagued against us; and I remember, when the news of
+the battle of Lissa came even to our remote quarter of Ireland, we
+considered it as a triumph for the cause of Protestantism, and
+illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, and kept the
+Prussian king's birthday; on which my uncle would get drunk: as
+indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted with
+myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with
+such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these,
+forsooth, were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick;
+who was belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons,
+as well as the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops
+of the Emperor and the King of France. It was against these latter
+that the English auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the
+quarrel what it may, an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty
+willing to make a fight of it.
+
+We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the
+Electorate I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier,
+and having a natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as
+accomplished at the drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It
+is well, however, to dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at
+home; ay, or to make it as an officer, surrounded by gentlemen,
+gorgeously dressed, and cheered by chances of promotion. But those
+chances do not shine on poor fellows in worsted lace: the rough
+texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I saw an officer go
+by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, I would hear
+their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; my pride
+revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and candle-
+grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. Yes, my
+tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the
+horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of
+promotion? None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission,
+and I became soon so low-spirited, that I longed for a general
+action and a ball to finish me, and vowed that I would take some
+opportunity to desert.
+
+When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was
+threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined
+from Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his
+footman, and that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the
+first occasion I burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had
+serious thoughts of committing suicide, so great was my
+mortification. But my kind friend Fagan came to my aid in the
+circumstance, with some very timely consolation. 'My poor boy,' said
+he, 'you must not take the matter to heart so. Caning is only a
+relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was flogged himself at Eton
+School only a month ago: I would lay a wager that his scars are not
+yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your duty, be a gentleman,
+and no serious harm can fall on you.' And I heard afterwards that my
+champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to task for this
+threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the future he
+should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young ensign
+was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of
+them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what
+the penalty, I would take his life. And, 'faith! there was an air of
+sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and
+as long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid
+on the shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage
+moody state, that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I
+looked to hear my own dead march played as sure as I was alive. When
+I was made a corporal, some of my evils were lessened; I messed with
+the sergeants by special favour, and used to treat them to drink,
+and lose money to the rascals at play: with which cash my good
+friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied me.
+
+Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily
+got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that
+our great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated-
+no, not defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the
+Duke of Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been
+obliged to fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed
+forward, and made a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious
+monarch in Hanover, threatening that they would occupy it; as they
+had done before, when D'Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the
+gallant Duke of Cumberland, and caused him to sign the capitulation
+of Closter Zeven. An advance upon Hanover always caused a great
+agitation in the Royal bosom of the King of England; more troops
+were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were passed over to our
+forces, and to our ally's the King of Prussia; and although, in
+spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand was very
+much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the
+advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the
+world: and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we
+say about THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly
+cover himself with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have
+been won there one of the greatest victories of modern times.
+
+Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the
+Electorate, Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town
+of Bremen, which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round
+which he gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous
+battle of Minden.
+
+Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to
+utter a single word for which my own personal experience did not
+give me the fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero
+of some strange and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of
+novel-writers, introduce my reader to the great characters of this
+remarkable time. These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they
+take a drummer or a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him
+in contact with the greatest lords and most notorious personages of
+the empire; and I warrant me there's not one of them but, in
+describing the battle of Minden, would manage to bring Prince
+Ferdinand, and my Lord George Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into
+presence. It would have been easy for me to have SAID I was present
+when the orders were brought to Lord George to charge with the
+cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, and when he refused to
+do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But the fact is, I was
+two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship's fatal hesitation
+took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of what had
+occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles in
+the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I
+saw no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of
+orderly officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that
+is. A poor corporal (as I then had the, disgrace of being) is not
+generally invited into the company of commanders and the great; but,
+in revenge, I saw, I promise you, some very good company on the
+FRENCH part, for their regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were
+charging us all day; and in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are
+pretty equally received. I hate bragging, but I cannot help saying
+that I made a very close acquaintance with the colonel of the
+Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, and finished off a
+poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, that a blow from
+my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in place of the butt
+of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, besides, four
+more officers and men, and in the poor ensign's pocket found a purse
+of fourteen louis-d'or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; of which
+the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would tell
+their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of
+truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of
+Minden (except from books) is told here above. The ensign's silver
+bon-bon box and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow
+as he fell; the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under
+a smart fire and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand
+in hand with the Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified
+recollections, and had best be passed over briefly. When my kind
+friend Fagan was shot, a brother captain, and his very good friend,
+turned to Lieutenant Rawson and said, 'Fagan's down; Rawson, there's
+your company.' It was all the epitaph my brave patron got. 'I should
+have left you a hundred guineas, Redmond,' were his last words to
+me, 'but for a cursed run of ill luck last night at faro.' And he
+gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, as the word was given to
+advance, I left him. When we came back to our old ground, which we
+presently did, he was lying there still; but he was dead. Some of
+our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, no doubt, had
+rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war become! It
+is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but remember
+the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, entirely
+ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can have
+no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with
+these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have
+been doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for
+instance, we are at the present moment admiring the 'Great
+Frederick,' as we call him, and his philosophy, and his liberality,
+and his military genius, I, who have served him, and been, as it
+were, behind the scenes of which that great spectacle is composed,
+can only look at it with horror. What a number of items of human
+crime, misery, slavery, go to form that sum-total of glory! I can
+recollect a certain day about three weeks after the battle of
+Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; and how the old
+woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; and how we
+got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, presently;
+and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home to look
+for his house and his children!
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY
+
+After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to
+confess that I fell into the very worst of courses and company.
+Being a rough soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a
+favourite with the officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for
+Irishmen, as Englishmen sometimes will have, and used to mock his
+brogue, and his blunt uncouth manners. I had been insolent to one or
+two of them, and had only been screened from punishment by his
+intercession; especially his successor, Mr. Rawson, had no liking
+for me, and put another man into the sergeant's place vacant in his
+company after the battle of Minden. This act of injustice rendered
+my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of seeking to
+conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by good
+behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to
+me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign
+country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually under
+contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities
+were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in
+more peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the
+sergeants, and to share their amusements: drinking and gambling
+were, I am sorry to say, our principal pastimes; and I fell so
+readily into their ways, that though only a young lad of seventeen,
+I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; though there were
+some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in the science
+of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the provost-
+marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer
+in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the
+English service in rather a singular manner.
+
+The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be
+present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and
+his horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the
+cavalry since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and
+where Prince Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen.
+During the action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the
+gentleman who had threatened me, it may be remembered, with the
+caning, was struck by a musket-ball in the side. He had shown no
+want of courage in this or any other occasion where he had been
+called upon to act against the French; but this was his first wound,
+and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He offered
+five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I
+and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him
+into a place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and
+where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take
+himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress his
+wound.
+
+In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be
+confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons
+brought an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and
+black-eyed young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind
+father, a retired Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When
+the French were in the town, Meinherr's house had suffered like
+those of his neighbours; and he was at first exceedingly unwilling
+to accommodate his guests. But the first knocking at the door had
+the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and Mr. Fakenham, taking a
+couple of guineas out of a very full purse, speedily convinced the
+people that they had only to deal with a person of honour.
+
+Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who
+paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with
+my other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some
+deserved compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and
+thinking, with no small envy, how comfortable it would be to be
+billeted there--when the private who was with me cut short my
+reveries by suggesting that we should divide the five guineas the
+lieutenant had given me.
+
+'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which
+was plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a
+dreadful oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to
+a quarter which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket,
+hit me a blow with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the
+ground: when I awoke from my> trance, I found myself bleeding with a
+large wound in the head, and had barely time to stagger back to the
+house where I had left the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at
+the door.
+
+Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out;
+for when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of
+the house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was
+copiously bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room
+where the lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel,
+the servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till
+now, slept in the couch where the wounded officer lay.
+
+'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German;
+for the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and
+loss of blood.
+
+They told him it was the corporal who had brought him.
+
+'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be
+sure I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too
+faint to compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to
+bed carefully; and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find
+that my pockets had been rifled by the English soldier after he had
+knocked me down. However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who
+sheltered me presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took
+it, I could not help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in
+truth, did this token of my gratitude seem unwelcome.
+
+This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found
+Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be
+provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the
+bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance.
+His illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself;
+for some nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a
+commanding officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention,
+very likely, of billeting himself on the house, that the howling and
+mad words of the patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather
+frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably in the lower
+apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only when the
+officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my regiment,
+that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and
+that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with
+a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long
+before daybreak for drill.
+
+The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined
+forthwith to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town
+called 'Wandering Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked
+as a lad, and I again put them in practice. That night I made an
+attempt upon Lischen, saluting her with a yell and a grin which
+frightened her almost out of her wits; and when anybody came I was
+raving. The blow on the head had disordered my brain; the doctor was
+ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered to him that I
+was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced wife Queen
+Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her
+Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty
+beard, such as is rare in Egypt.
+
+A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on
+our part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops,
+whose surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we
+were well, we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that
+I never would join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland,
+almost the only neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence
+to get a passage somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's
+Town.
+
+If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my
+conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to
+frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of
+Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon
+the patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object
+to have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility
+and mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all
+his favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom
+the worthy gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither
+and thither, made impertinent love to her, abused her soups,
+quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid
+out for his maintenance; so that our hostess detested him as much
+as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me.
+
+For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her
+during my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of
+whatever age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way
+in the world, these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion
+or another; never mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate,
+they are not offended with your declaration of it, and only look
+upon you with more favourable eyes in consequence of your
+misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic story of my
+life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here narrated,--
+for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that history, as
+in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's heart
+entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German
+language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and
+heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in
+the neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and
+occupied several times before I came to invest it; now mounting
+French colours, now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white
+Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad
+in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty quickly, or her life
+will be but a sad one.
+
+The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the
+English only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my
+residence; and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a
+darkened room, much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there:
+but I said the light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on
+the head; and so I covered up my head with clothes when the doctor
+came, and told him that I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him
+some insane nonsense, in order to keep up my character.
+
+'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy,
+fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly.
+
+'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I.
+
+The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of
+receiving him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took
+care to be in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with
+Lischen as the surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a
+dressing-jacket of the lieutenant's, and some other articles of his
+wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no
+ungentlemanlike figure.
+
+'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply
+to my smiling salute.
+
+'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch
+look at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot.
+
+'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'--
+
+'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you
+mistook me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or
+twice pretended to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can
+answer which is which.'
+
+'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the
+day you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.'
+
+'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know,
+Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?'
+
+'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.'
+
+Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing
+in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I
+cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady,
+for he was in a very excited state.
+
+The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what
+my design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape
+under the character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to
+his face, as it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious
+necessity. It was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all
+his money and clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was
+so urgent, that I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect
+my escape without his purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my
+duty to take possession of one and the other.
+
+As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at
+all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to
+inform myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know
+me were in the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and
+so I calmly took my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the
+lieutenant's uniform, made inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to
+purchase, reported myself to the commandant of the place as
+Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English regiment of foot,
+convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the
+Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would
+have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his
+name!
+
+Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did
+with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the
+regiment for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed
+him that they were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact,
+had them very neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed
+to depart. His papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow;
+and, as I had purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it.
+
+At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round,
+when I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux
+with my kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then,
+making up my mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's
+room attired in his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over
+my left eye.
+
+'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you
+mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my
+Wegimentals? As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the
+Wegiment, I'll have your soul cut out of your body.'
+
+'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take
+my leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to
+have your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his
+pillow; at which he gave a scream that might have called the whole
+garrison about my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or
+you are a dead man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight
+around his mouth so as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling
+forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in a knot together, and
+so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you may be sure, and
+wishing him politely a good day.
+
+'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were
+attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking
+leave of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how
+tender) of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and,
+as I pranced away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the
+town-gates, felt once more that I was in my proper sphere, and
+determined never again to fall from the rank of a gentleman.
+
+I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave
+out that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian
+commandant of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of
+sight of the advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the
+Hesse-Cassel territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg:
+and I promise you I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on
+the barriers, which showed me that I was out of the land occupied by
+our countrymen. I rode to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving
+out that I was the bearer of despatches to Prince Henry, then on the
+Lower Rhine, and put up at the best hotel of the place, where the
+field-officers of the garrison had their ordinary. These gentlemen I
+treated to the best wines that the house afforded, for I was
+determined to keep up the character of the English gentleman, and I
+talked to them about my English estates with a fluency that almost
+made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even asked to
+an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and danced a
+minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a few
+pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness.
+
+At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me
+with great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about
+England; which I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound
+to say, was bad enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court,
+and the noble families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness
+of youth (and a propensity which I possessed in my early days, but
+of which I have long since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a
+manner not altogether consonant with truth), I invented a thousand
+stories which I told him; described the King and the Ministers to
+him, said the British Ambassador at Berlin was my uncle, and
+promised my acquaintance a letter of recommendation to him. When the
+officer asked me my uncle's name, I was not able to give him the
+real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it is as good a name as
+any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, are as good a
+family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories about my
+regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other
+histories had been equally authentic.
+
+On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an
+open smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for
+Dusseldorf, whither I said my route lay; and so laying our horses'
+heads together we jogged on. The country was desolate beyond
+description. The prince in whose dominions we were was known to be
+the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He would sell to any
+bidder, and during the five years which the war (afterwards called
+the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had so exhausted the males of
+his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the
+children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw
+herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few
+troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian
+sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with
+some of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition.
+
+'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such
+wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually,
+and hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They
+get five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they
+bring in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we
+would go as high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have
+given a thousand for you, when he had his giant regiment that our
+present monarch disbanded.'
+
+'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call
+him Morgan Prussia.'
+
+'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?'
+
+'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in
+Hanover by some of your recruiters.'
+
+'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an
+Englishman?'
+
+''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them;
+as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the
+giant guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants
+there. Many of these monsters used to complain of their life, and
+their caning, and their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan
+was not one of the grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get
+fat here in Berlin, than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"'
+
+'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion.
+
+'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful
+district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of
+Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and
+London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well,
+Morgan said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only
+thing which caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was
+the thought that his brothers were still starving at home, when they
+might be so much better off in His Majesty's service.
+
+'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the
+information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant
+of the guards, entirely!"
+
+'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant.
+
+'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family!
+There's six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and
+out the biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's
+Morgan!"
+
+'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?"
+
+'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the
+cane, they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan:
+"but it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be
+in a grenadier's cap!"
+
+'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only
+sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told
+by the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King
+himself; and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he
+actually consented to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with
+him his seven enormous brothers.'
+
+'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I
+could not help laughing at his simplicity.
+
+'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once
+free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in
+Tipperary with the money that was given him to secure his brothers;
+and I fancy few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.'
+
+The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that
+the English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my
+setting him right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode
+on very well pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories
+of the war to tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the
+thousand escapes, and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious
+than victories, through which the King had passed. Now that I was a
+gentleman, I could listen with admiration to these tales: and yet
+the sentiment recorded at the end of the last chapter was uppermost
+in my mind but three weeks back, when I remembered that it was the
+great general got the glory, and the poor soldier only insult and
+the cane.
+
+'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer.
+
+It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap-
+hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general a
+year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite
+satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on;
+and our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a
+halt.
+
+'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what
+appeared to me a very lonely-looking place.
+
+'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not
+pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on
+for Corbach.'
+
+'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the
+officer. 'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and,
+truth to say, such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't
+care to own. 'The people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as
+well as innkeepers;' and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than
+an inn yard. We entered by a great gate into a Court walled round,
+and at one end of which was the building, a dingy ruinous place. A
+couple of covered waggens were in the court, their horses were
+littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place were
+some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both
+touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary
+formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the
+inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I
+observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were
+entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about
+the country, and one could not take too many precautions against
+such villains.
+
+We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our
+horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to
+my bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his
+pains.
+
+A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench
+that came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had
+expected to see; and the Captain, laughing, said, 'Well, our meal is
+a frugal one, but a soldier has many a time a worse:' and, taking
+off his hat, sword-belt, and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat
+down to eat. I would not be behindhand with him in politeness, and
+put my weapon securely on the old chest of drawers where his was
+laid.
+
+The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very
+sour wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-
+humour.
+
+'Where's the beauty you promised me?' said I, as soon as the old hag
+had left the room.
+
+'Bah!' said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: 'it was my joke. I
+was tired, and did not care to go farther. There's no prettier woman
+here than that. If she won't suit your fancy, my friend, you must
+wait a while.'
+
+This increased my ill-humour.
+
+'Upon my word, sir,' said I sternly, 'I think you have acted very
+coolly!'
+
+'I have acted as I think fit!' replied the captain.
+
+'Sir,' said I, 'I'm a British officer!'
+
+'It's a lie!' roared the other, 'you're a DESERTER! You're an
+impostor, sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I
+suspected you yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from
+Warburg, and I thought you were the man. Your lies and folly have
+confirmed me. You pretend to carry despatches to a general who has
+been dead these ten months: you have an uncle who is an ambassador,
+and whose name forsooth you don't know. Will you join and take the
+bounty, sir; or will you be given up?'
+
+'Neither!' said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I
+was, he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his
+pocket, fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table
+where he stood dodging me, as it were,--
+
+'Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!' In
+another minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants
+entered, armed with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade.
+
+The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself;
+for the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword.
+
+'I volunteer,' said I.
+
+'That's my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?'
+
+'Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,' said I haughtily; 'a
+descendant of the Irish kings!'
+
+'I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche's,' said the recruiter,
+sneering, 'trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few
+countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely
+one of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.'
+
+'Sir,' said I, 'king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.'
+
+'Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,' answered the Captain,
+still in the sneering mood. 'Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and
+let us see who you really are.'
+
+As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr.
+Fakenham's, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting
+very rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to
+get and keep it.
+
+'It can matter very little to you,' said I, 'what my private papers
+are: I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.'
+
+'Give it up, sirrah!' said the Captain, seizing his cane.
+
+'I will not give it up!' answered I.
+
+'HOUND! do you mutiny?' screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me
+a lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated
+effect of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with
+him, the two sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the
+ground and stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head.
+It was bleeding severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was
+already torn off my back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands
+tied behind my back.
+
+The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white slave-
+dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops or
+kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those
+brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help
+telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately
+befell the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of
+friendship and good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me.
+This individual was a person of high family and known talents and
+courage, but who had a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and
+found his calling as a recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than
+his pay of second captain in the line. The sovereign, too, probably
+found his services more useful in the former capacity. His name was
+Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was one of the most successful of
+the practisers of his rascally trade. He spoke all languages, and
+knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty in finding out the
+simple braggadocio of a young lad like me.
+
+About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at
+this time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his
+walk upon the bridge there, and get into conversation with the
+French advanced sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising
+'mountains and marvels,' as the French say, if they would take
+service in Prussia. One day there was on the bridge a superb
+grenadier, whom Galgenstein accosted, and to whom he promised a
+company, at least, if he would enlist under Frederick.
+
+'Ask my comrade yonder,' said the grenadier; 'I can do nothing
+without him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same
+company, sleep in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will
+go and you will give him a captaincy, I will go too.'
+
+'Bring your comrade over to Kehl,' said Galgenstein, delighted. 'I
+will give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both
+of you.'
+
+'Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?' said the grenadier.
+'I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over
+the matter.'
+
+Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but
+presently a panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the
+grenadier brought his bayonet to the Prussian's breast and bade him
+stand: that he was his prisoner.
+
+The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the
+bridge and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the
+intrepid sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer
+of the two, seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg
+side of the stream, where he gave him up.
+
+'You deserve to be shot,' said the general to him, 'for abandoning
+your post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and
+daring. The King prefers to reward you,' and the man received money
+and promotion.
+
+As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a
+captain in the Prussian service, and applications were made to
+Berlin to know if his representations were true. But the King,
+though he employed men of this stamp (officers to seduce the
+subjects of his allies) could not acknowledge his own shame. Letters
+were written back from Berlin to say that such a family existed in
+the kingdom, but that the person representing himself to belong to
+it must be an impostor, for every officer of the name was at his
+regiment and his post. It was Galgenstein's death-warrant, and he
+was hanged as a spy in Strasburg.
+
+ 'Turn him into the cart with the rest,' said he, as soon as I awoke
+from my trance.
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES
+
+The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as
+I have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal
+vehicle of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled
+with a crew of men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me,
+had enlisted under the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I
+could see by the lanterns of the sentinels, as they thrust me into
+the straw, a dozen dark figures huddled together in the horrible
+moving prison where I was now to be confined. A scream and a curse
+from my opposite neighbour showed me that he was most likely
+wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of the wretched
+night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar captivity
+kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually prevented my
+getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight (as far as I
+could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the creaking
+lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers,
+strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim
+faces peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the
+canvas curtains, that they might count the number of their
+prisoners. The brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war
+songs, such as 'O Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein
+Kanon, mein Heerpauk und meine Musket,' 'Prinz Eugen der edle
+Ritter.' and the like; their wild whoops and jodels making doleful
+discord with the groans of us captives within the waggons. Many a
+time afterwards have I heard these ditties sung on the march, or in
+the barrack-room, or round the fires as we lay out at night.
+
+I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my
+first enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to
+be a private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who
+will witness my shame; and that is the point which I have always
+cared for most. There will be no one to say, 'There is young Redmond
+Barry, the descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of
+Dublin, pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.' Indeed,
+but for that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that
+every man of spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part,
+would have always been contented with the humblest portion. Now
+here, to all intents and purposes, one was as far removed from the
+world as in the wilds of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe's Island.
+And I reasoned with myself thus:--'Now you are caught, there is no
+use in repining: make the best of your situation, and get all the
+pleasure you can out of it. There are a thousand opportunities of
+plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in war-time, out of which he
+can get both pleasure and profit: make use of these, and be happy.
+Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, and clever: and
+who knows but you may procure advancement in your new service?'
+
+In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining
+not to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with
+perfect magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against
+which it required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the
+jolts of the waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in
+my brain which I thought would have split my skull. As the morning
+dawned, I saw that the man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature,
+in black, had a cushion of straw under his head.
+
+'Are you wounded, comrade?' said I.
+
+'Praised be the Lord,' said he, 'I am sore hurt in spirit and body,
+and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you,
+poor youth?'
+
+'I am wounded in the head,' said I, 'and I want your pillow: give it
+me--I've a clasp-knife in my pocket!' and with this I gave him a
+terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA
+GUERRE C'EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that,
+unless he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of
+my steel.
+
+'I would give it thee without any threat, friend,' said the yellow-
+haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw.
+
+He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the
+cart, and began repeating, 'Ein' feste Burg ist unser Gott,' by
+which I concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With
+the jolts of the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more
+exclamations and movements of the passengers showed what a motley
+company we were. Every now and then a countryman would burst into
+tears; a French voice would be heard to say, 'O mon Dieu!--mon
+Dieu!' a couple more of the same nation were jabbering oaths and
+chattering incessantly; and a certain allusion to his own and
+everybody else's eyes, which came from a stalwart figure at the far
+corner, told me that there was certainly an Englishman in our crew.
+
+But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In
+spite of the clergyman's cushion, my head, which was throbbing with
+pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon;
+it began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only
+recollect having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at
+a fortified town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the
+journey was passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I
+found myself lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood
+watching over me.
+
+'They are in sad spiritual darkness,' said a voice from the bed next
+to me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: 'they
+are in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in
+those poor creatures.'
+
+It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming
+out from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside.
+
+'What! you there, Herr Pastor?' said I.
+
+'Only a candidate, sir,' answered the white nightcap. 'But, praised
+be Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You
+have been talking in the English language (with which I am
+acquainted) of Ireland, and a young lady, and Mick, and of another
+young lady, and of a house on fire, and of the British Grenadiers,
+concerning whom you sung us parts of a ballad, and of a number of
+other matters appertaining, no doubt, to your personal history.'
+
+'It has been a very strange one,' said I; 'and, perhaps, there is no
+man in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be
+compared to mine.'
+
+I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and
+other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not
+give himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him.
+
+'Well,' said my fellow-patient, 'I have no doubt yours is a strange
+tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not
+be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your
+exhaustion great.'
+
+'Where are we?' I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were
+in the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince
+Henry's troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of
+French near the town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor
+candidate had been wounded.
+
+As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble
+to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured my
+comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the
+greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were
+enormously wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the
+ancient kings, &c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our
+conversation, I found that my interlocutor knew a great deal more
+about Ireland than I did. When, for instance, I spoke of my
+descent,--
+
+'From which race of kings?' said he.
+
+'Oh!' said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate),
+'from the old ancient kings of all.'
+
+'What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?' said he.
+
+''Faith, I can,' answered I, 'and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if
+you like.'
+
+'I see,' said the candidate, smiling, 'that you look upon those
+legends with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom
+your writers fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched
+for in history. Nor do I believe that we have any more foundation
+for the tales concerning them, than for the legends relative to
+Joseph of Arimathea and King Bruce which prevailed two centuries
+back in the sister island.
+
+And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or
+Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to
+say the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages.
+As for English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more
+languages, he said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the
+only Latin line that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which
+says,--
+
+   'As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,'
+
+he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to
+tell him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so
+got off the conversation.
+
+My honest friend's history was a curious one, and it may be told
+here in order to show of what motley materials our levies were
+composed:--
+
+'I am,' said he, 'a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the
+village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of
+knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the
+Greek and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and
+Hebrew; and having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred
+rixdalers, a sum amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I
+went to the famous academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years
+to the exact sciences and theology. Also, I learned what worldly
+accomplishments I could command; taking a dancing-tutor at the
+expense of a groschen a lesson, a course of fencing from a French
+practitioner, and attending lectures on the great horse and the
+equestrian science at the hippodrome of a celebrated cavalry
+professor. My opinion is, that a man should know everything as far
+as in his power lies: that he should complete his cycle of
+experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it
+behoves him.
+
+'I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred
+rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score
+of years, barely sufficed for five years' studies; after which my
+studies were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to
+devote much time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a
+future period, resume my academic course. During this period I
+contracted an attachment' (here the candidate sighed a little) 'with
+a person, who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet
+likely to sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind
+friend and patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having
+informed me that the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I
+would like to have my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I
+were minded to preach a trial sermon? As the gaining of this living
+would further my union with my Amalia, I joyously consented, and
+prepared a discourse.
+
+'If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you
+extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my
+biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I
+should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the
+present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in
+which I hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily
+set at rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble
+family, and some officers of distinction who were staying at his
+castle. Mr. Doctor Moser of Halle followed me in the evening
+discourse; but, though his exercise was learned, and he disposed of
+a passage of Ignatius, which he proved to be a manifest
+interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect which mine
+produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After the
+sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped
+lovingly at the "Blue Stag" in Rumpelwitz.
+
+'While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without
+wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, "the tall one."
+This could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than
+any other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was
+the person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I
+had no difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion.
+
+'"Sir," said this Hebrew, "I have heard from a friend, who was in
+your church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you
+pronounced there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are
+only one or two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your
+honour could but condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I
+think Solomon Hirsch would be a convert to your eloquence."
+
+'"What are these points, my good friend?" said I; and I pointed out
+to him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of
+these his doubts lay.
+
+'We had been walking up and down before the inn while our
+conversation took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades
+having heard the discourse in the morning, requested me, rather
+peevishly, not to resume it at that period. I, therefore, moved on
+with my disciple, and, at his request, began at once the sermon; for
+my memory is good for anything, and I can repeat any book I have
+read thrice.
+
+'I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight,
+that discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon.
+My Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of
+surprise, assent, admiration, and increasing conviction.
+"Prodigious!" said he;--"Wunderschon!" would he remark at the
+conclusion of some eloquent passage; in a word, he exhausted the
+complimentary interjections of our language: and to compliments what
+man is averse? I think we must have walked two miles when I got to
+my third head and my companion begged I would enter his house, which
+we now neared, and partake of a glass of beer; to which I was never
+averse.
+
+'That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright,
+were taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed
+upon me, told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called
+upon me to deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn
+protest as to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in
+MS., Prorector Nasenbrumm's recommendatory letter, proving my
+identity, and three groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already
+been in the cart twenty hours when you reached the house. The French
+officer, who lay opposite you (he who screamed when you trod on his
+foot, for he was wounded), was brought in shortly before your
+arrival. He had been taken with his epaulets and regimentals, and
+declared his quality and rank; but he was alone (I believe it was
+some affair of love with a Hessian lady which caused him to be
+unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he fell will make
+more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is made to
+share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. One
+of M. de Soubise's cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the
+French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are
+led away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian
+service), and three Dutchmen were taken besides.'
+
+'And you,' said I--'you who were just on the point of getting a
+valuable living,--you who have so much learning, are you not
+indignant at the outrage?'
+
+'I am a Saxon,' said the candidate, 'and there is no use in
+indignation. Our government is crushed under Frederick's heel these
+five years, and I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul.
+Nor am I, in truth, discontented with my lot; I have lived on a
+penny bread for so many years, that a soldier's rations will be a
+luxury to me. I do not care about more or less blows of a cane; all
+such evils are passing, and therefore endurable. I will never, God
+willing, slay a man in combat; but I am not unanxious to experience
+on myself the effect of the war-passion, which has had so great an
+influence on the human race. It was for the same reason that I
+determined to marry Amalia, for a man is not a complete Mensch until
+he is the father of a family; to be which is a condition of his
+existence, and therefore a duty of his education. Amalia must wait;
+she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook to the Frau
+Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron's lady. I have one or two
+books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in my
+heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish
+my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what
+cause have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I
+think I have wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have,
+I know where to look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said,
+without knowing all that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in
+a situation to learn EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for
+more?
+
+'Pardon me for putting so many _I_'s in my discourse,' said the
+candidate, 'but when a man is talking of himself, 'tis the briefest
+and simplest way of talking.'
+
+In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was
+right. Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited
+fellow, with no more ambition than to know the contents of a few
+musty books, I think the man had some good in him; especially in the
+resolution with which he bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of
+the highest honour is often not proof against these, and has been
+known to despair over a bad dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged-
+elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear all, to put up with water if you
+cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no velvet to be content with
+frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, bien entendu, and the
+man is a fool who will not seize the best when the scramble is open.
+
+The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to
+impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out
+of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as
+possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into
+the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin.
+The Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for
+the fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know
+the face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace,
+men live and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be
+imagined, to the amusements of the soldier's life. It is lest any
+young gentleman like myself should take a fancy to a military
+career, and fancy that of a private soldier a tolerable one, that I
+am giving these, I hope, moral descriptions of what we poor fellows
+in the ranks really suffered.
+
+As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the
+hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves
+and criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors
+of the courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds
+of us lay; until we were despatched to our different destinations.
+It was soon seen by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst
+us, and which the recruits; and for the former, while we lay in
+prison, there was a little more leisure: though, if possible, a
+still more strict watch kept than over the broken-spirited yokels
+who had been forced or coaxed into the service. To describe the
+characters here assembled would require Mr. Gilray's own pencil.
+There were men of all nations and callings. The Englishmen boxed and
+bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, and fenced; the
+heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they could
+manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and
+at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I
+entered the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my
+property by the rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very
+first game at cards with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of
+asking whether I could pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is
+the advantage of having a gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me
+many a time since by procuring me credit when my fortunes were at
+their lowest ebb.
+
+Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose real
+name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small
+sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty
+and courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of
+the ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the
+noblesse) I have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman
+must have been of the highest families in France, so grand and noble
+was his manner, so superb his person. He was not quite so tall as
+myself, fair, while I am dark, and, if possible, rather broader in
+the shoulders. He was the only man I ever met who could master me
+with the small-sword; with which he would pink me four times to my
+three. As for the sabre, I could knock him to pieces with it; and I
+could leap farther and carry more than he could. This, however, is
+mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I became pretty intimate--
+for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the depot, and neither had
+any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want of a better name,
+Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a deserter, but
+had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I fancy;
+fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and
+other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the
+Bastile was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy
+to return thither.
+
+He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a
+considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he
+became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both
+ill luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in
+our bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position
+tenable. He had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his
+misfortunes and separation from his family), and she used to be
+admitted to see him twice or thrice a week, and never came empty-
+handed---a little brown bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made
+the greatest impression upon all the world.
+
+This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in
+Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian
+frontier; he maintained always the same character for daring and
+skill, and was, in the secret republic of the regiment--which always
+exists as well as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged
+leader. He was an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty,
+dissolute, and a drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care
+to coax and flatter his officers (which I always did), is sure to
+fall out with them. Le Blondin's captain was his sworn enemy, and
+his punishments were frequent and severe.
+
+His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace)
+used to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian
+frontier, where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and
+in obedience to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from
+every one of her excursions, would bring in a little powder and
+ball: commodities which are not to be procured by the Prussian
+soldier, and which were stowed away in secret till wanted. They WERE
+to be wanted, and that soon.
+
+Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We
+don't know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it
+embraced; but strange were the stories told about the plot amongst
+us privates: for the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and
+talked of by the army, in spite of all the Government efforts to
+hush it up--hush it up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I
+have seen the Irish rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry
+of the poor.
+
+He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor
+papers. No single one of the conspirators communicated with any
+other than the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them
+all. He had arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison,
+at twelve o'clock on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town
+were to be seized, the sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest?
+Some of our people used to say that the conspiracy was spread
+through all Silesia, and that Le Blondin was to be made a general in
+the Austrian service.
+
+At twelve o'clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor
+of Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and
+the Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening
+a wood hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split
+open the sentinel's head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men,
+rushing into the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and
+marched at once to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar,
+but the Frenchman rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the
+axe, cut off his right hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing
+the men rushing out armed, the guard without the gate drew up across
+the road to prevent their passage; but the Frenchman's thirty gave
+them a volley, charged them with the bayonet, and brought down
+several, and the rest flying, the thirty rushed on. The frontier is
+only a league from Neiss, and they made rapidly towards it.
+
+But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the
+clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster
+than any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the
+troops called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked
+the other guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and
+their project was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the
+discovery of the conspirators impossible, for no man could betray
+his comrade, nor, of course, would he criminate himself.
+
+Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty
+fugitives, who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian
+frontier. When the horse came up with them, they turned, received
+them with a volley and the bayonet, and drove them back. The
+Austrians were out at the barriers, looking eagerly on at the
+conflict. The women, who were on the look-out too, brought more
+ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and they engaged and drove
+back the dragoons several times. But in these gallant and fruitless
+combats much time was lost, and a battalion presently came up, and
+surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the poor fellows was
+decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one of them asked
+for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought with the
+steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The
+Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in
+the thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the
+officer who first advanced to seize him.
+
+He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back
+to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before
+a council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as
+to his real name and family. 'What matters who I am?' said he; 'you
+have me and will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so
+famous.' In the same way he declined to make a single discovery
+regarding the plot. 'It was all my doing,' he said; 'each man
+engaged in it only knew me, and is ignorant of every one of his
+comrades. The secret is mine alone, and the secret shall die with
+me.' When the officers asked him what was the reason which induced
+him to meditate a crime so horrible?--'It was your infernal
+brutality and tyranny,' he said. 'You are all butchers, ruffians,
+tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you were
+not murdered long ago.'
+
+At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against
+the wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his
+fist. But Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized
+the bayonet of one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it
+into the officer's breast. 'Scoundrel and monster,' said he, 'I
+shall have the consolation of sending you out of the world before I
+die.' He was shot that day. He offered to write to the King, if the
+officers would agree to let his letter go sealed into the hands of
+the postmaster; but they feared, no doubt, that something might be
+said to inculpate themselves, and refused him the permission. At the
+next review Frederick treated them, it is said, with great severity,
+and rebuked them for not having granted the Frenchman his request.
+However, it was the King's interest to conceal the matter, and so it
+was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well hushed up, that a
+hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and many's the one of
+us that has drunk to the Frenchman's memory over our wine, as a
+martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, doubtless, some
+readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging
+insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as
+privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be
+so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get
+his liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the
+Austrian people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to
+Silesia? It was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened
+the axe which brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let
+officers take warning, and think twice ere they visit poor fellows
+with the cane.
+
+I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having
+been a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt
+my tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had
+best, therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot,
+when one day a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre
+young gentleman, who was brought in by a couple of troopers and
+received a few cuts across the shoulders from one of them, say in
+the best English, 'You infernal WASCAL, I'll be wevenged for this.
+I'll WITE to my ambassador, as sure as my name's Fakenham of
+Fakenham.' I burst out laughing at this: it was my old acquaintance
+in MY corporal's coat. Lischen had sworn stoutly, that he was really
+and truly the private, and the poor fellow had been drafted off, and
+was to be made one of us. But I bear no malice, and having made the
+whole room roar with the story of the way in which I had tricked the
+poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which procured him his
+liberty. 'Go to the inspecting officer,' said I; 'if they once get
+you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will never give
+you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him a
+hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping
+captain has your papers and portfolio' (this was true); 'above all,
+show him that you have the means of paying him the promised money,
+and I will warrant you are set free.' He did as I advised, and when
+we were put on the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to
+go into hospital, and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I
+had recommended. He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his
+own stinginess in bargaining for it, and never showed the least
+gratitude towards me his benefactor.
+
+I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years'
+War. At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its
+disciplined valour, was officered and under-officered by native
+Prussians, it is true; but was composed for the most part of men
+hired or stolen, like myself, from almost every nation in Europe.
+The deserting to and fro was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow's)
+alone before the war, there had been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and
+as they marched out of Berlin for the campaign, one of the fellows
+had an old fiddle on which he was flaying a French tune, and his
+comrades danced almost, rather than walked, after him, singing,
+'Nous allons en France.' Two years after, when they returned to
+Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the rest had fled or
+were killed in action. The life the private soldier led was a
+frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There
+was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and
+pitilessly using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that
+in action there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of
+sergeants and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to
+the most frightful acts of despair under these incessant
+persecutions and tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army
+a horrible practice had sprung up, which for some time caused the
+greatest alarm to the Government. This was a strange frightful
+custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men used to say that life was
+unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in order to avert which, and
+to finish with the intolerable misery of their position, the best
+plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, and therefore
+secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as guilty of the
+murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, the
+prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a
+horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful
+protest, on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against
+his monstrous tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was
+strictly to forbid that such criminals should be attended by any
+ecclesiastic whatever, and denied all religious consolation.
+
+The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to
+inflict it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when
+peace came the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not
+noble; whatever their services might have been. He would call a
+captain to the front of his company and say, 'He is not noble, let
+him go.' We were afraid of him somehow, and were cowed before him
+like wild beasts before their keeper. I have seen the bravest men of
+the army cry like children at a cut of the cane; I have seen a
+little ensign of fifteen call out a man of fifty from the ranks, a
+man who had been in a hundred battles, and he has stood presenting
+arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while the young wretch
+lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. In a day of
+action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry THEN and
+nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, then
+they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded
+to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have
+spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like
+a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he
+turned quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. 'For
+God's sake,' said he, 'don't talk of that time: I wake up from my
+sleep trembling and crying even now.'
+
+As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed I
+tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found
+opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I
+took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any
+further personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which
+I did not take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should
+be for the man or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there
+was something in my character which made my superiors believe me;
+for that bullet had already served me to kill an Austrian colonel,
+and I would have given it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For
+what cared I for their quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I
+marched had one head or two? All I said was, 'No man shall find me
+tripping in my duty; but no man shall ever lay a hand upon me.' And
+by this maxim I abided as long as I remained in the service.
+
+I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any
+more than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as
+another, and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent
+length, which it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a
+braver, cleverer, handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the
+Prussian army. I had formed myself to the condition of the proper
+fighting beast; on a day of action I was savage and happy; out of
+the field I took all the pleasure I could get, and was by no means
+delicate as to its quality or the manner of procuring it. The truth
+is, however, that there was among our men a much higher tone of
+society than among the clumsy louts in the English army, and our
+service was generally so strict that we had little time for doing
+mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, and was called
+by our fellows the 'Black Englander,' the 'Schwartzer Englander,' or
+the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was sure to be
+put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no
+promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian
+colonel (a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on
+foot) that General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d'or in
+front of the regiment, and said, 'I reward thee now; but I fear I
+shall have to hang thee one day or other.' I spent the money, and
+that I had taken from the colonel's body, every groschen, that night
+with some jovial companions; but as long as war lasted was never
+without a dollar in my purse.
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE
+
+After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least
+dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say
+much for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still
+left many hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our
+pleasure had we the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess
+got leave to work in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and
+besides, my honour forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil
+my fingers by a manual occupation. But our pay was barely enough to
+keep us from starving; and as I have always been fond of pleasure,
+and as the position in which we now were, in the midst of the
+capital, prevented us from resorting to those means of levying
+contributions which are always pretty feasible in wartime, I was
+obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing for my
+expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential
+military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years
+previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the
+position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell
+the truth, after five years in the ranks, a man's pride will submit
+to many rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent
+condition.
+
+The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the
+war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was,
+moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de
+Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young
+gentleman's promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer
+enough on parade or in barracks, but he was a person easily led by
+flattery. I won his heart in the first place by my manner of tying
+my hair in queue (indeed, it was more neatly dressed than that of
+any man in the regiment), and subsequently gained his confidence by
+a thousand little arts and compliments, which as a gentleman myself
+I knew how to employ. He was a man of pleasure, which he pursued
+more openly than most men in the stern Court of the King; he was
+generous and careless with his purse, and he had a great affection
+for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely sympathised with
+him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was disliked in
+the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate relations
+with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he
+carried the news of the corps.
+
+Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer,
+and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills
+and parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came
+in for a number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a
+genteel figure and to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it
+must be confessed very humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I
+was always an especial favourite, and so polished was my behaviour
+amongst them, that they could not understand how I should have
+obtained my frightful nickname of the Black Devil in the regiment.
+'He is not so black as he is painted,' I laughingly would say; and
+most of the ladies agreed that the private was quite as well-bred as
+the captain: as indeed how should it be otherwise, considering my
+education and birth?
+
+When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to
+address a letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not
+given any news of myself for many many years; for the letters of the
+foreign soldiers were never admitted to the post, for fear of
+appeals or disturbances on the part of their parents abroad. My
+captain agreed to find means to forward the letter, and as I knew
+that he would open it, I took care to give it him unsealed; thus
+showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as you may
+imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were it
+intercepted. I begged my honoured mother's forgiveness for having
+fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own
+country I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she
+would, at least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the
+service of the greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier's
+life was most agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind
+protector and patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I
+knew it was out of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all
+the girls at Castle Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky
+downwards, and signed myself, as in truth I was, her affectionate
+son, Redmond Barry, in Captain Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch
+regiment of foot in garrison at Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant
+story about the King kicking the Chancellor and three judges
+downstairs, as he had done one day when I was on guard at Potsdam,
+and said I hoped for another war soon, when I might rise to be an
+officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter to be that of
+the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this head at all
+sorry to mislead my kind parent.
+
+I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me
+some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the
+circumstances pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of
+a good family, but my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough
+to support her eight daughters, whom I named. I had been to study
+for the law at Dublin, where I had got into debt and bad company,
+had killed a man in a duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his
+powerful friends, if I returned. I had enlisted in the English
+service, where an opportunity for escape presented itself to me such
+as I could not resist; and hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham
+of Fakenham in such a way as made my patron to be convulsed with
+laughter, and he told me afterwards that he had repeated the story
+at Madame de Kamake's evening assembly, where all the world was
+anxious to have a sight of the young Englander.
+
+'Was the British Ambassador there?' I asked, in a tone of the
+greatest alarm, and added, 'For Heaven's sake, sir, do not tell my
+name to him, or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no
+fancy to go to be hanged in my dear native country.' Potzdorff,
+laughing, said he would take care that I should remain where I was,
+on which I swore eternal gratitude to him.
+
+Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me,
+'Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I
+wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been
+advanced during the war, the general said they had had their eye
+upon you: that you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of
+a good stock; that no man in the regiment had had less fault found
+with him; but that no man merited promotion less. You were idle,
+dissolute, and unprincipled; you had done a deal of harm to the men;
+and, for all your talents and bravery, he was sure would come to no
+good.'
+
+'Sir!' said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have
+formed such an opinion of me, 'I hope General Bulow is mistaken
+regarding my character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true;
+but I have only done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I
+have never had a kind friend and protector before, to whom I might
+show that I was worthy of better things. The general may say I am a
+ruined lad, and send me to the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go
+to the d---l to serve YOU.' This speech I saw pleased my patron very
+much; and, as I was very discreet and useful in a thousand delicate
+ways to him, he soon came to have a sincere attachment for me. One
+day, or rather night, when he was tete-a-tete with the lady of the
+Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, I--But there is no use in telling
+affairs which concern nobody now.
+
+Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the
+Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home,
+and a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear
+soul's writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy
+sunshine of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my
+uncle, and Phil Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought,
+came back to me as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried
+over it, as I hadn't done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took
+care not to show my feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that
+night, when I was to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside
+Brandenburg Gate, with Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn's
+gentlewoman of company), I somehow had not the courage to go; but
+begged to be excused, and went early to bed in barracks, out of
+which I went and came now almost as I willed, and passed a long
+night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland.
+
+Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed,
+which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to
+some of my acquaintance. The poor soul's letter was blotted all over
+with tears, full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent
+way. She said she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant
+prince, though she feared he was not in the right way: that right
+way, she said, she had the blessing to find, under the guidance of
+the Reverend Joshua Jowls, whom she sat under. She said he was a
+precious chosen vessel; a sweet ointment and precious box of
+spikenard; and made use of a great number more phrases that I could
+not understand; but one thing was clear in the midst of all this
+jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and thought and
+prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come across
+many a poor fellow, in a solitary night's watch, or in sorrow,
+sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his
+mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they
+are none of the gayest, and it's quite as well that they don't come
+to you in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?--
+as mute as undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my
+mother's health that night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman
+whilst the money lasted. She pinched herself to give it me, as she
+told me afterwards; and Mr. Jowls was very wroth with her. Although
+the good soul's money was very quickly spent, I was not long in
+getting more; for I had a hundred ways of getting it, and became a
+universal favourite with the Captain and his friends. Now, it was
+Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d'or for bringing her a
+bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on the contrary,
+the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of Rhenish,
+and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might give
+him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and
+his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money,
+you may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my
+benefactor; and he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and
+the lady fell out, and he began to pay his addresses to the rich
+daughter of the Dutch Minister, I don't know how many more letters
+and guineas the unfortunate Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I
+might get her lover back again. But such returns are rare in love,
+and the Captain used only to laugh at her stale sighs and
+entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack I made myself so
+pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite intimate there:
+and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which surprised and
+pleased my captain very much. These little hints he carried to his
+uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made his advantage of
+them; and thus I began to be received quite in a confidential light
+by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal soldier, being
+allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant you, of a
+neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which the poor
+fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as civil
+to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth
+to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister's nephew. There
+was in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six
+feet high in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some
+affair of the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to
+him one of my adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me
+not to call him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when
+they are very intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out;
+but I owed him no grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I
+sent his sword flying over his head, said to him, 'Kurz, did ever
+you know a man guilty of a mean action who can do as I do now?' This
+silenced the rest of the grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me
+after that.
+
+No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in
+antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was
+pleasant. But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of
+which I need not say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking
+for the army were all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my
+employer. I sighed to be out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a
+figure in the world. Had I been one of the Neiss garrison, I would
+have cut my way to freedom by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but
+here I had only artifice to enable me to attain my end, and was not
+I justified in employing it? My plan was this: I may make myself so
+necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that he will obtain my freedom. Once
+free, with my fine person and good family, I will do what ten
+thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, and will marry a lady of
+fortune and condition. And the proof that I was, if not
+disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is this. There
+was a fat grocer's widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers of rent,
+and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would
+purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her
+that I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a
+chance of freedom which she offered me.
+
+And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me.
+The Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he
+gave notes of hand payable on his uncle's death. The old Herr von
+Potzdorff, seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to
+bribe me to know what the young man's affairs really were. But what
+did I do? I informed Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and
+we made out, in concert, a list of little debts, so moderate, that
+they actually appeased the old uncle instead of irritating, and he
+paid them, being glad to get off so cheap.
+
+And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old
+gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any
+news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were
+doing: whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom;
+who was at the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what
+not; for the King liked to know the business of every officer in his
+army), I was sent with a letter to the Marquis d'Argens (that
+afterwards married Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting
+the Marquis at a few paces off in the street, gave my message, and
+returned to the Captain's lodging. He and his worthy uncle were
+making my unworthy self the subject of conversation.
+
+'He is noble,' said the Captain.
+
+'Bah!' replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his
+insolence). 'All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same
+story.'
+
+'He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,' resumed the other.
+
+'A kidnapped deserter,' said M. Potzdorff; 'la belle affaire!'
+
+'Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am
+sure you can make him useful.'
+
+'You HAVE asked his discharge,' answered the elder, laughing. 'Bon
+Dieu! You are a model of probity! You'll never succeed to my place,
+George, if you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow
+as useful to you as you please. He has a good manner and a frank
+countenance. He can lie with an assurance that I never saw
+surpassed, and fight, you say, on a pinch. The scoundrel does not
+want for good qualities; but he is vain, a spendthrift, and a
+bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem over him, you
+can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the lad is
+likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to make
+him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are
+spies enough to be had in this town without him.'
+
+It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were
+qualified by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from
+the room extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my
+fond dreams was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of
+the army, by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For
+some time my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow;
+but the marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct
+permission of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt
+whether His Majesty would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the
+handsomest man of his army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow
+of sixty, who was quite beyond the age when her marriage would be
+likely to multiply the subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty
+was therefore vain; nor could I hope to purchase my discharge,
+unless any charitable soul would lend me a large sum of money; for,
+though I made a good deal, as I have said, yet I have always had
+through life an incorrigible knack of spending, and (such is my
+generosity of disposition) have been in debt ever since I was born.
+
+My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his
+conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one;
+and said smilingly to me, 'Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister
+regarding thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry
+here speaks has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in
+very dubious terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait
+at the table of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police
+Minister any news concerning them which might at all interest the
+Government. The great Frederick never received a guest without
+taking these hospitable precautions; and as for the duels which Mr.
+Barry fights, may we be allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number
+of these combats. It will be observed, in one or two other parts of
+his Memoirs, that whenever he is at an awkward pass, or does what
+the world does not usually consider respectable, a duel, in which he
+is victorious, is sure to ensue; from which he argues that he is a
+man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune is made. We shall get thee
+out of the army, appoint thee to the police bureau, and procure for
+thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, allow thee to move
+in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has hitherto placed
+thee.
+
+Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be
+very much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the
+Captain for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway.
+
+'Your service at the Dutch Minister's has pleased me very well.
+There is another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to
+us; and if you succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.'
+
+'What is the service, sir?' said I; 'I will do anything for so kind
+a master.'
+
+'There is lately come to Berlin,' said the Captain, 'a gentleman in
+the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de
+Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope's order of
+the Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have
+some reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your
+country of Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in
+Ireland?'
+
+'Balibari? Balyb--?' A sudden thought flashed across me. 'No, sir,'
+said I, 'I never heard the name.'
+
+'You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of
+English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your
+accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will
+be turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a
+faithful fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served
+in the Seven Years' War. You left the army on account of weakness of
+the loins. You served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now
+with the army in Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by
+him. You afterwards lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a
+character, if need be; and the landlord of the "Star" will, of
+course, certify that you are an honest fellow: but his certificate
+goes for nothing. As for the rest of your story, you can fashion
+that as you will, and make it as romantic or as ludicrous as your
+fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the Chevalier's confidence by
+provoking his compassion. He gambles a great deal, and WINS. Do you
+know the cards well?'
+
+'Only a very little, as soldiers do.'
+
+'I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier
+cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian
+envoys continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup
+repeatedly at his house. Find out what they talk of; for how much
+each plays, especially if any of them play on parole: if you can
+read his private letters, of course you will; though about those
+which go to the post, you need not trouble yourself; we look at them
+there. But never see him write a note without finding out to whom it
+goes, and by what channel or messenger. He sleeps with the keys of
+his despatch-box on a string round his neck. Twenty Frederics, if
+you get an impression of the keys. You will, of course, go in plain
+clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your hair, and tie it
+with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course shave off.
+
+With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left
+me. When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my
+appearance. I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as
+jet, and curled elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed
+the odious grease and flour, which I always abominated, out of my
+hair; had mounted a demure French grey coat, black satin breeches,
+and a maroon plush waistcoat, and a hat without a cockade. I looked
+as meek and humble as any servant out of place could possibly
+appear; and I think not my own regiment, which was now at the review
+at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus accoutred, I went to the 'Star
+Hotel,' where this stranger was,--my heart beating with anxiety, and
+something telling me that this Chevalier de Balibari was no other
+than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father's eldest brother, who had given
+up his estate in consequence of his obstinate adherence to the
+Romish superstition. Before I went in to present myself, I went to
+look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry arms? Yes,
+there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of the
+field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield
+about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded,
+surmounted with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids,
+cornucopias, and flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic
+fashion of those days. It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went
+up the stairs. I was going to present myself before my uncle in the
+character of a servant!
+
+'You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?'
+
+I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my
+captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had
+leisure to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age,
+dressed superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet,
+a white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across
+his breast went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the
+star of the order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had
+rings on all his fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich
+diamond solitaire in the black riband round his neck, and fastened
+to the bag of his wig; his ruffles and frills were decorated with a
+profusion of the richest lace. He had pink silk stockings rolled
+over the knee, and tied with gold garters; and enormous diamond
+buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword mounted in gold, in a white
+fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, and lined with white
+feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, completed the
+costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was about my size,
+that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features singularly
+like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was closed with
+a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red paint, by no
+means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of moustaches,
+which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards found had
+rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, the
+upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore
+a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant.
+
+It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his
+appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to
+keep disguise with him; and when he said, 'Ah, you are a Hungarian,
+I see!' I could hold no longer.
+
+'Sir,' said I, 'I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of
+Ballybarry.' As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can't tell why; but I
+had seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed
+for some one.
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION
+
+You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is
+to hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that
+will not understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have
+confessed took place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute
+thought to question the truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried
+he, 'it's my brother Harry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as
+much affected as I was at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred;
+for he, too, was an exile from home, and a friendly voice, a look,
+brought the old country back to his memory again, and the old days
+of his boyhood. 'I'd give five years of my life to see them again,'
+said he, after caressing me very warmly. 'What?' asked I. 'Why,'
+replied he, 'the green fields, and the river, and the old round
+tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas a shame for your
+father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long with the
+name.'
+
+He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history
+at some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times,
+saying, that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he
+would stop me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him
+(by which I ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my
+uncle had a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar
+way), and uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred
+exclamations of pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy
+Saints!' and 'Mother of Heaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by
+which, and with justice, I concluded that he was still devotedly
+attached to the ancient faith of our family.
+
+It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last
+part of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch
+upon his actions, of which I was to give information in a certain
+quarter. When I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this
+fact, he burst out laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The
+rascals!' said he; 'they think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond,
+my chief conspiracy is a faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that
+he will see a spy in every person who comes to his miserable capital
+in the great sandy desert here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris
+and Vienna!'
+
+I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but
+Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military
+service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the
+knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that
+my uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a
+dozen, nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me
+to freedom.
+
+But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history
+of himself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,'
+said he, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and
+Heaven forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by
+turning heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours.
+Well, let bygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run
+through the little property as he did in my place, and I should have
+had to begin a year or two later the life I have been leading ever
+since I was compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every
+service; and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in
+Europe. I made a campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian
+Trenck. I was captain in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made
+the campaign of Scotland with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my
+dear, caring more for his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for
+the crowns of the three kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in
+Piedmont; but I have been a rolling stone, my good fellow. Play--
+play has been my ruin; that and beauty' (here he gave a leer which
+made him, I must confess, look anything but handsome; besides, his
+rouged cheeks were all beslobbered with the tears which he had shed
+on receiving me). 'The women have made a fool of me, my dear
+Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this minute, at sixty-
+two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy O'Dwyer made a
+fool of me at sixteen.'
+
+''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' and
+described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my
+cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative.
+
+'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and
+then I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property,
+look you, Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little
+about me. When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds
+go to the pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith
+will pay me a visit this very day; for the chances have been against
+me all the week past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night.
+Do you understand the cards?'
+
+I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill.
+
+'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put
+you up to a thing or two worth knowing.'
+
+Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring
+knowledge, and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's
+instruction.
+
+The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me.
+All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the
+fine gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of
+mission from the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a
+certain quantity of alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin,
+were from the King's treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de
+Balibari was play. There was a young attache of the English embassy,
+my Lord Deuceace, afterwards Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the
+English peerage, who was playing high; and it was after hearing of
+the passion of this young English nobleman that my uncle, then at
+Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage him. For there is a
+sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: the fame of
+great players is known all over Europe. I have known the Chevalier
+de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from Paris
+to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my
+Lord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European
+orators and statesmen.
+
+It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the
+presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I
+should keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the
+champagne and punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight
+and a great natural aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear
+uncle much assistance against his opponents at the green table. Some
+prudish persons may affect indignation at the frankness of these
+confessions, but Heaven pity them! Do you suppose that any man who
+has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds at play will not take the
+advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are all the same. But it
+is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar
+expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to go
+wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of
+gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar
+person at his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but
+never--never to have anything to do with him. Play grandly,
+honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above all,
+be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all
+one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have
+seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew,
+blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards.
+I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play against another and
+HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: and when one
+considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the
+outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one
+meets with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play-
+table, as everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the
+profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man
+who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing now with the
+experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I was a
+lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too
+much, my uncle's superior age and station in life.
+
+There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made
+between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I
+take it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But
+simplicity was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for
+instance, I wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to
+show that the enemy was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had
+ace, king; if I said, 'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if
+'Wine or punch?' clubs. If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that
+there was another confederate employed by the adversary; and THEN, I
+warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take place. My Lord
+Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and cleverness
+with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank
+Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had
+the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were.
+
+My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de
+Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at
+the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These
+reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle
+beforehand. I was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to
+tell as much truth as my story would possibly bear. When, for
+instance, he would ask me, 'What does the Chevalier do of a
+morning?'
+
+'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after
+hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his
+chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes
+his letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little
+to do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom
+he corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written
+in English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes
+for money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the
+Treasury, in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come
+from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes
+his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian
+attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and
+Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, and a few more. The same set meet
+every night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come
+are chiefly French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins
+often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The
+Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes comes, on which
+occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at
+the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days of reception.
+Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has won lately;
+but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four hundred
+ducats.'
+
+'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own
+language?'
+
+'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the
+new danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new
+danseuse.'
+
+It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and
+accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was
+carried to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher
+of Sans Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital
+but his actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the
+Great.
+
+As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different
+embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he
+encouraged play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in
+difficulties can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of
+Frederics would often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got
+some papers from the French house in this way: and I have no doubt
+that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied him with information at a
+similar rate, had his chief not known the young nobleman's character
+pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the work of the
+mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young brilliant
+bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or shook
+their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen
+many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their
+principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what
+fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies
+of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the
+profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men would
+have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little pink-
+faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and
+able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot?
+
+When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that
+there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the
+sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was
+not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or
+twice cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I
+told him that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his
+comrades would not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the
+intrigue even without my information.
+
+'Tell him,' said my uncle.
+
+'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?'
+
+'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not
+be left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks,
+make your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The
+dear souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the
+country; and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!'
+
+'But how, sir?' said I.
+
+'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you
+yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-
+box yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie;
+put your hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these
+moustaches, and now look in the glass!'
+
+'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and
+began walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee.
+
+The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de
+Potzdorff, I told him of the young Prussian officers that had been
+of late gambling; and he replied, as I expected, that the King had
+determined to send the Chevalier out of the country.
+
+'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three
+Frederics from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your
+promise to advance me!'
+
+'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked
+up,' said the Captain, sneering.
+
+'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When
+is he to go, sir?'
+
+'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and
+before dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of
+gendarmes will mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders
+to move on.'
+
+'And his baggage, sir?' said I.
+
+'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that
+red box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after
+parade, shall be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one
+there regarding the affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's
+rooms until my arrival. We must force that box. You are a clumsy
+hound, or you would have got the key long ago!'
+
+I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him.
+The next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat;
+and I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of
+the honours of a separate chapter.
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE
+
+Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to
+win a handsome sum with his faro-bank.
+
+At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de
+Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the
+Chevalier, who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came
+down the stairs in his usual stately manner.
+
+'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not
+finding his servant to open the door.
+
+'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who
+was standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier
+entered, than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the
+box by the coachman, and the latter began to drive.
+
+'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?'
+
+'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme,
+touching his hat.
+
+'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the
+Austrian Ambassador's house!'
+
+'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the
+gendarme.
+
+'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury.
+
+'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into
+silence.
+
+The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which
+place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards
+there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de
+Donnersmark. As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised
+his hat and said, 'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon
+voyage.' The Chevalier de Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a
+profound bow.
+
+They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon
+began to roar.
+
+'It is a deserter,' said the officer.
+
+'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his
+carriage again.
+
+Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the
+road with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the
+truant. The gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for
+him too. The price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who
+brought him in.
+
+'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the
+carriage with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can
+get nothing, and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may
+bring you in fifty crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on?
+You may land me at the frontier and get back to your hunt all the
+sooner.' The officer told the postillion to get on; but the way
+seemed intolerably long to the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought
+he heard the noise of horse galloping behind: his own horses did not
+seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID go. The black and white
+barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and opposite them the
+green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house officers came
+out.
+
+'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier.
+
+'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers,
+grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect.
+
+The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece.
+
+'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go
+to the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there
+to send on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?'
+
+Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for
+that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier.
+
+'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire,
+Gentilhomme Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe.
+
+'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than
+Mr. Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin
+will be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as
+yet; they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all
+are in admiration of your cleverness and valour.
+
+'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in
+no small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a
+fancy to send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been
+guilty. But in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a
+statement of the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the
+full and true story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you
+turned out to be my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped
+yourself into the service, and how we both had determined to effect
+your escape. The laugh would have been so much against the King,
+that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. What would
+Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But it
+was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay
+in my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your
+ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, in his imperious High-
+Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue is gone out," said
+he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep my love-
+letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky dice
+with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of
+Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of.
+
+'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the
+little English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a
+chisel and hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar,
+actually bursting open my little box!
+
+'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense
+water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the
+box, and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as
+smashes the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort
+lifeless to the ground. I thought I had killed him.
+
+'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and
+scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the
+whole household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?"
+roar I. "Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I
+find in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send
+for his Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of
+this insult!"
+
+'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours
+ago!"
+
+'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am
+ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning!
+Where is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and
+wig?" for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and
+stockings, with my nightcap on.
+
+'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off
+in your honour's dress."
+
+'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty-
+eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left.
+Officers, seize him!"
+
+'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and
+more astonished.
+
+'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel--
+impossible!"
+
+'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a
+swelling on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried
+him off, and the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of
+the matter, and I demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to
+my ambassador.
+
+'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a
+general, and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set
+upon me to bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was
+true you had told me that you had been kidnapped into the service,
+that I thought you were released from it, and that I had you with
+the best recommendations. I appealed to my Minister, who was bound
+to come to my aid; and, to make a long story short, poor Potzdorff
+is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the elder Potzdorff,
+has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request that I
+would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter.
+
+'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive
+this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my
+son. Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle,
+
+'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.'
+
+And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and
+I kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of
+any recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman.
+
+With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued
+presently, we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle
+speedily joined me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of
+illness, I had kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier
+de Balibari was in particular good odour at the Court of Dresden
+(having been an intimate acquaintance of the late monarch, the
+Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and agreeable of
+European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of the
+Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and
+the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made
+me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to
+which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the
+honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by
+the Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming
+description of my prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot
+her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls,
+in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was very
+difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the
+good lady.
+
+I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so
+genteel in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position
+which I now occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the
+men in a fury; hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing
+minuets with high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call
+themselves in Germany), with lovely excellencies, nay, with
+highnesses and transparencies themselves: who could compete with the
+gallant young Irish noble? who would suppose that seven weeks before
+I had been a common--bah! I am ashamed to think of it! One of the
+pleasantest moments of my life was at a grand gala at the Electoral
+Palace, where I had the honour of walking a polonaise with no other
+than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's own sister: old
+Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose belts I
+had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and
+sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years.
+
+Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my
+uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than
+ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with
+an Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this
+crown in lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring
+worn on my forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to
+say the jewel had been in my family for several thousand years,
+having originally belonged to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty
+King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the legends of the Heralds'
+College are not more authentic than mine was.
+
+At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to
+be rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our
+pretensions to rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but
+he was likewise a grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count
+Lobkowitz's masquerade. My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was,
+knew the pedigree of every considerable family in Europe. He said it
+was the only knowledge befitting a gentleman; and when we were not
+at cards, we would pass hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the
+genealogies, learning the blazons, and making ourselves acquainted
+with the relationships of our class. Alas! the noble science is
+going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which studies and
+pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist.
+
+My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the
+score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English
+embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister,
+who declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the
+tears of joy of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I
+promise you that none of the young gentlemen questioned the
+authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my Irish crown again.
+
+What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a
+gentleman, from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as
+business it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I
+assure any low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we,
+their betters, have to work as well as they: though I did not rise
+until noon, yet had I not been up at play until long past midnight?
+Many a time have we come home to bed as the troops were marching out
+to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good to hear the bugles
+blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the regiments
+marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound to
+that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station.
+
+I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all
+my life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to
+dress my hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by
+intuition almost, and could distinguish between the right Spanish
+and the French before I had been a week in my new position; I had
+rings on all my fingers, watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets,
+and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each outvying the other in
+elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace and china of any
+man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew dealer in
+Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I
+could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had
+at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with
+gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined
+with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with
+chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the
+guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was
+there a more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari?
+
+All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be
+purchased without credit and money: to procure which, as our
+patrimony had been wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the
+vulgarity and slow returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle
+kept a faro-bank. We were in partnership with a Florentine, well
+known in all the Courts of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as
+skilful a player as ever was seen; but he turned out a sad knave
+latterly, and I have discovered that his countship was a mere
+imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all
+impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword,
+and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm,
+so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have
+hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with
+anybody: any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never
+pressed for our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in
+lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did not pay when the note
+became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his
+bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: on the
+contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and our
+character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar
+national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of
+men of honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the
+good old days in Europe, before the cowardice of the French
+aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, which served them right)
+brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They cry fie now upon men
+engaged in play; but I should like to know how much more honourable
+THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of the Exchange
+who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with lying
+loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The
+merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales
+of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead
+of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the
+profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for
+any bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie
+down right because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an
+honourable man, a swindling quack, who does not believe in the
+nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your guinea for whispering
+in your ear that it is a fine morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant
+man who sits him down before the baize and challenges all comers,
+his money against theirs, his fortune against theirs, is proscribed
+by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy of the middle classes
+against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant which is to go
+down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of chivalry: it
+has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of birth. When
+Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without leaving the
+table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had the best
+blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round the
+table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against
+some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his
+millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we
+engaged that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis
+in a single coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next
+day; when HE lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in
+pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought
+fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of florins, and challenged
+our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,'
+said we, 'we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or two
+hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness's bags do not
+contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.' And we did,
+and after eleven hours' play, in which our bank was at one time
+reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand
+florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? does THIS
+profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? Four
+crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when
+I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No
+man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond
+Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to
+say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we
+won.
+
+At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly,
+always put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-
+keepers made us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give
+away the broken meat from our suppers and dinners to scores of
+beggars who blessed us. Every man who held my horse or cleaned my
+boots got a ducat for his pains. I was, I may say, the author of our
+common good fortune, by putting boldness into our play. Pippi was a
+faint-hearted fellow, who was always cowardly when he began to win.
+My uncle (I speak with great respect of him) was too much of a
+devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever to win GREATLY. His
+moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was not sufficient.
+Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be their
+chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described.
+
+I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was
+affected by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the
+protection with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was
+passionately fond of play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all
+the Courts in Europe in those days, and hence would often arise no
+small trouble to us; for the truth must be told, that ladies love to
+play, certainly, but not to PAY. The point of honour is not
+understood by the charming sex; and it was with the greatest
+difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various Courts of Northern
+Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could get their
+money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using the
+most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days
+of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen
+thousand louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal
+house gave us paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly
+pledged to us; another organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and
+would have charged the theft upon us, but for Pippi's caution, who
+had kept back a note of hand 'her High Transparency' gave us, and
+sent it to his ambassador; by which precaution I do believe our
+necks were saved. A third lady of high (but not princely) rank,
+after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and pearls from her,
+sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; and it was
+only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that I escaped
+from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief aggressor
+dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, and
+the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They
+might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence.
+
+Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one
+of extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage
+for success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we
+were suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a
+reigning prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some
+quarrel with the police minister. If the latter personage were not
+bribed or won over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a
+sudden order of departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering
+and desultory life.
+
+Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet
+the expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too
+splendid for the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at
+my extravagance, though obliged to own that his own meanness and
+parsimony would never have achieved the great victories which my
+generosity had won. With all our success, our capital was not very
+great. That speech to the Duke of Courland, for instance, was a mere
+boast as far as the two hundred thousand florins at three months
+were concerned. We had no credit, and no money beyond that on our
+table, and should have been forced to fly if his Highness had won
+and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were hit very hard. A
+bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day will come;
+and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought to
+meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of
+the two.
+
+One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden's
+territory, at Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for
+business, offered to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and
+where the officers of the Duke's cuirassiers supped; and some small
+play accordingly took place, and some wretched crowns and louis
+changed hands: I trust, rather to the advantage of these poor
+gentlemen of the army, who are surely the poorest of all devils
+under the sun.
+
+But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the
+neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for
+their quarter's revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between
+them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before,
+began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it,
+too, they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the
+best calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most
+perfectly insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed
+turned up in their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in
+ten minutes; and, seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck
+against us, I was for shutting up the bank for the night, saying the
+play was only meant for a joke, and that now we had had enough.
+
+But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to
+proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more;
+then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in
+this ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across
+a deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of
+hungry subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the
+most skilful and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred
+louis! I blush now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or
+Richard Coeur de Lion falling before a petty fortress and an unknown
+hand (as my friend Mr. Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most
+shameful defeat.
+
+Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off,
+bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way
+(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he
+who afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of
+the morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us.
+Among other things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and
+was for flinging him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool,
+and had been keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed
+between us, and a reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and
+confessing he had been wrong.
+
+I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous
+Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in
+his life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and
+go to bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained,
+after our loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon
+L8000 sterling. Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be
+ratified over a bowl of hot wine, and I have no doubt put some
+soporific drug into the liquor; for my uncle and I both slept till
+very late the next morning, and woke with violent headaches and
+fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He had been gone twelve
+hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him a sort of
+calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his share
+of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without
+his consent.
+
+Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But
+was I cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum
+of money; for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those
+days, and a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and
+a set of ornaments that would be a shop-boy's fortune; so, without
+repining for one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my
+uncle's temper in this respect was admirable), or allowing the
+secret of our loss to be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three-
+fourths of our jewels and clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with
+the produce of the sale, and our private pocket-money, amounting in
+all to something less than 800 louis, we took the field again.
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+MORE RUNS OF LUCK
+
+I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my
+professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with
+anecdotes of my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with
+tales of this kind were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital
+would not be brought to a conclusion for years, and who knows how
+soon I may be called upon to stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel,
+and a disordered liver. I have two or three wounds in my body, which
+break out every now and then, and give me intolerable pain, and a
+hundred more signs of breaking up. Such are the effects of time,
+illness, and free-living, upon one of the strongest constitutions
+and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I suffered from none of
+these ills in the year '66, when there was no man in Europe more gay
+in spirits, more splendid in personal accomplishments, than young
+Redmond Barry.
+
+Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of
+the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play
+was patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome.
+Among the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were
+particularly well received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than
+those of the Electors of Treves and Cologne, where there was more
+splendour and gaiety than at Vienna; far more than in the wretched
+barrack-court of Berlin. The Court of the Archduchess-Governess of
+the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal place for us knights of the
+dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; whereas in the stingy
+Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was impossible for a
+gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested.
+
+After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of
+X---. The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not
+choose to print at full the names of some illustrious persons in
+whose society I then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a
+very strange and tragical adventure.
+
+There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome
+than at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more
+eagerly sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did
+not inhabit his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the
+ceremonial of the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent
+palace at a few leagues from his chief city, and round about his
+palace a superb aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles,
+and the officers of his sumptuous Court. The people were rather
+hardly pressed, to be sure, in order to keep up this splendour; for
+his Highness's dominions were small, and so he wisely lived in a
+sort of awful retirement from them, seldom showing his face in his
+capital, or seeing any countenances but those of his faithful
+domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of Ludwigslust were
+exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were Court
+receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the
+finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; on
+which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended
+prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I
+never saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure
+there on the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological
+ballets which were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red-
+heeled pumps and a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They
+say the costume was incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my
+part, I have never seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who
+was the chief dancer, and found no fault with the attendant nymphs,
+in their trains, and lappets, and powder. These operas used to take
+place twice a week, after which some great officer of the Court
+would have his evening, and his brilliant supper, and the dice-box
+rattled everywhere, and all the world played. I have seen seventy
+play-tables set out in the grand gallery of Ludwigslust, besides the
+faro-bank; where the Duke himself would graciously come and play,
+and win or lose with a truly royal splendour.
+
+It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of
+the Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and
+the two Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at
+Court we lost 740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court
+Marshal's table, I won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we
+allowed no one to know how near we were to ruin on the first
+evening; but, on the contrary, I endeared every one to me by my gay
+manner of losing, and the Finance Minister himself cashed a note for
+400 ducats, drawn by me upon my steward of Ballybarry Castle in the
+kingdom of Ireland; which very note I won from his Excellency the
+next day, along with a considerable sum in ready cash. In that noble
+Court everybody was a gambler. You would see the lacqueys in the
+ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of cards; the coach
+and chair men playing in the court, while their masters were punting
+in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I was told,
+had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made a
+handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and
+his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the
+illustrious foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played
+away their pay when they got it, which was seldom; and I don't
+believe there was an officer in any one of the guard regiments but
+had his cards in his pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his
+sword-knot. Among such fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you
+call fair play would have been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry
+would have been fools indeed to appear as pigeons in such a hawk's
+nest. None but men of courage and genius could live and prosper in a
+society where every one was bold and clever; and here my uncle and I
+held our own: ay, and more than our own.
+
+His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of
+the reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a
+lady whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such
+was the morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry.
+He had been married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince,
+may be said to have been the political sovereign of the State: for
+the reigning Duke was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved
+to talk a great deal more with his grand huntsman, or the director
+of his opera, than with ministers and ambassadors.
+
+The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a
+very different character from his august father. He had made the
+Wars of the Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the
+Empress's service, was of a stern character, seldom appeared at
+Court, except when ceremony called him, but lived almost alone in
+his wing of the palace, where he devoted himself to the severest
+studies, being a great astronomer and chemist. He shared in the rage
+then common throughout Europe, of hunting for the philosopher's
+stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no smattering of
+chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), St.
+Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums
+from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret.
+His amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him,
+and if his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would
+have been playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the
+prudent prince was left to govern.
+
+Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess
+Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven
+years, and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne
+him a son and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and
+ungainly appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please
+the brilliant and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in
+the south (she was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had
+passed two years at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the
+daughters of His Most Christian Majesty, and who was the life and
+soul of the Court of X---, the gayest of the gay, the idol of her
+august father-in-law, and, indeed, of the whole Court. She was not
+beautiful, but charming; not witty, but charming, too, in her
+conversation as in her person. She was extravagant beyond all
+measure; so false, that you could not trust her; but her very
+weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other women, her
+selfishness more delightful than others' generosity. I never knew a
+woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin people,
+and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating at
+ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her
+caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were
+ceaseless: but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning
+family whom the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they
+followed her carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be
+generous to them, she would borrow the last penny from one of her
+poor maids of honour, whom she would never pay. In the early days
+her husband was as much fascinated by her as all the rest of the
+world was; but her caprices had caused frightful outbreaks of temper
+on his part, and an estrangement which, though interrupted by almost
+mad returns of love, was still general. I speak of her Royal
+Highness with perfect candour and admiration, although I might be
+pardoned for judging her more severely, considering her opinion of
+myself. She said the elder Monsieur de Balibari was a finished old
+gentleman, and the younger one had the manners of a courier. The
+world has given a different opinion, and I can afford to chronicle
+this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she had a reason
+for her dislike to me, which you shall hear.
+
+Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now
+dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I
+commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen
+(it is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to
+consolidate my fortunes by marriage. In the course of our
+peregrinations, my uncle and I had made several attempts to carry
+this object into effect; but numerous disappointments had occurred
+which are not worth mentioning here, and had prevented me hitherto
+from making such a match as I thought was worthy of a man of my
+birth, abilities, and personal appearance. Ladies are not in the
+habit of running away on the Continent, as is the custom in England
+(a custom whereby many honourable gentlemen of my country have much
+benefited!); guardians, and ceremonies, and difficulties of all
+kinds intervene; true love is not allowed to have its course, and
+poor women cannot give away their honest hearts to the gallant
+fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements that were asked
+for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were not
+satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry
+estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or
+Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady
+who was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into
+my arms; on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries
+was about to make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an
+order of the police which drives me out of Brussels at an hour's
+notice, and consigns my mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an
+opportunity of playing a great game: and had won it too, but for the
+dreadful catastrophe which upset my fortune.
+
+In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady
+nineteen years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the
+whole duchy. The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a
+late Minister and favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his
+Duchess, who had done her the honour to be her sponsors at birth,
+and who, at the father's death, had taken her under their august
+guardianship and protection. At sixteen she was brought from her
+castle, where, up to that period, she had been permitted to reside,
+and had been placed with the Princess Olivia, as one of her
+Highness's maids of honour.
+
+The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her
+minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for
+her cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke's
+foot regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off
+this rich prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot
+indeed, with the advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no
+rival near him, and the intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship,
+might easily, by a private marriage, have secured the young Countess
+and her possessions. But he managed matters so foolishly, that he
+allowed her to leave her retirement, to come to Court for a year,
+and take her place in the Princess Olivia's household; and then what
+does my young gentleman do, but appear at the Duke's levee one day,
+in his tarnished epaulet and threadbare coat, and make an
+application in due form to his Highness, as the young lady's
+guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his dominions!
+
+The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the
+Countess Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly
+cousin, his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had
+not the Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure
+from the Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The
+cause of this refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the
+young lady's hand was mentioned, and the lovers continued to
+correspond, hoping that time might effect a change in his Highness's
+resolutions; when, of a sudden, the lieutenant was drafted into one
+of the regiments which the Prince was in the habit of selling to the
+great powers then at war (this military commerce was a principal
+part of his Highness's and other princes' revenues in those days),
+and their connection was thus abruptly broken off.
+
+It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part
+against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with
+those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has,
+she had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless
+lover, but now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the
+Countess, as she previously had done, pursued her with every manner
+of hatred which a woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to
+the ingenuity of her tortures, the venom of her tongue, the
+bitterness of her sarcasm and scorn. When I first came to Court at
+X--, the young fellows there had nicknamed the young lady the Dumme
+Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She was generally silent, handsome,
+but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; taking no interest in the
+amusements of the place, and appearing in the midst of the feasts as
+glum as the death's-head which, they say, the Romans used to have at
+their tables.
+
+It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the
+Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at
+Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there,
+was the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official
+declaration of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a
+dark intrigue: which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation.
+
+This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer
+in the Duke's service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron's father had
+quitted France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation
+of the edict of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The
+son succeeded him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth
+whom I have known, was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the
+performance of his duty, retiring in his manners, mingling little
+with the Court, and a close friend and favourite of Duke Victor;
+whom he resembled in disposition.
+
+The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in
+France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke's
+service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant
+Court in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the
+pleasures of the petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux
+Cerfs, and of the wild gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He
+had been almost ruined at play, as his father had been before him;
+for, out of the reach of the stern old Baron in Germany, both son
+and grandson had led the most reckless of lives. He came back from
+Paris soon after the embassy which had been despatched thither on
+the occasion of the marriage of the Princess, was received sternly
+by his old grandfather; who, however, paid his debts once more, and
+procured him the post in the Duke's household. The Chevalier de
+Magny rendered himself a great favourite of his august master; he
+brought with him the modes and the gaieties of Paris; he was the
+deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the recruiter of the
+ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and splendid young
+gentleman of the Court.
+
+After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny
+endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was
+not strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the
+Chevalier de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness
+when the question was debated before him. The Chevalier's love of
+play had not deserted him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank,
+where he played for some time with pretty good luck; and where, when
+he began to lose, he paid with a regularity surprising to all those
+who knew the smallness of his means, and the splendour of his
+appearance.
+
+Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On
+half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her
+passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle
+could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de
+Magny and this illustrious lady. 'If her Highness be not in love
+with the little Frenchman,' my uncle said to me one night after
+play, 'may I lose the sight of my last eye!'
+
+'And what then, sir?' said I.
+
+'What then?' said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. 'Are you so
+green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you
+choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two
+years, my boy.'
+
+'How is that?' asked I, still at a loss.
+
+My uncle drily said, 'Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take
+his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make
+him play.'
+
+'He can't pay a shilling,' answered I. 'The Jews will not discount
+his notes at cent. per cent.'
+
+'So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,'
+answered the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid
+was a gallant, clever, and fair one.
+
+I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We
+had an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as
+myself, and we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one
+another; if he saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from
+handling it; but he took to it as natural as a child does to
+sweetmeats.
+
+At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him
+money against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said,
+and indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to
+dispose of them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to
+this effect. From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes;
+and as they would not allow him to play at the Court tables and in
+public upon credit, he was very glad to have an opportunity of
+indulging his favourite passion in private. I have had him for hours
+at my pavilion (which I had fitted up in the Eastern manner, very
+splendid) rattling the dice till it became time to go to his service
+at Court, and we would spend day after day in this manner. He
+brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, an antique emerald breast
+ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off against these losses: for
+I need not say that I should not have played with him all this time
+had he been winning; but, after about a week, the luck set in
+against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I do not
+care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought the
+young man could pay.
+
+Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a
+mere bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to
+be done elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from
+Monsieur de Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the
+Countess Ida. Who can say that I had not a right to use ANY
+stratagem in this matter of love? Or, why say love? I wanted the
+wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as much as Magny did; I loved
+her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin of seventeen does who
+marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the practice of the world
+in this; having resolved that marriage should achieve my fortune.
+
+I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of
+acknowledgment to some such effect as this,--
+
+'MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you
+this day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I
+was master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three
+hundred ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part
+if you will allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when
+you shall receive payment from your very grateful humble servant.'
+
+With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this
+was my uncle's idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice,
+and a letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part
+payment of a sum of money he owed me.
+
+When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my
+intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one
+man of the world should speak to another. 'I will not, my dear
+fellow,' said I, 'pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you
+expect we are to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that
+there is any satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of
+paper bearing your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I
+know you never can pay. Don't look fierce or angry, for you know
+Redmond Barry is your master at the sword; besides, I would not be
+such a fool as to fight a man who owes me so much money; but hear
+calmly what I have to propose.
+
+'You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the
+last month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You
+have given your word of honour to your grandfather never to play
+upon parole, and you know how you have kept it, and that he will
+disinherit you if he hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-
+morrow, his estate is not sufficient to pay the sum in which you are
+indebted to me; and, were you to yield me up all, you would be a
+beggar, and a bankrupt too.
+
+'Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not
+ask why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we
+began to play together.'
+
+'Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the
+order?' gasped the poor fellow. 'The Princess can do anything with
+the Duke.'
+
+'I shall have no objection,' said I, 'to the yellow riband and the
+gold key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little
+for the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want.
+My good Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me
+with what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent
+to the project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don't
+love. I know whom you love very well.'
+
+'Monsieur de Balibari!' said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get
+out no more. The truth began to dawn upon him.
+
+'You begin to understand,' continued I. 'Her Highness the Princess'
+(I said this in a sarcastic way) 'will not be very angry, believe
+me, if you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am
+no more an admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate.
+I played you for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you
+your bills and five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.'
+
+'The day _I_ am married to the Countess,' answered the Chevalier,
+thinking to have me, 'I will be able to raise money to pay your
+claim ten times over' (this was true, for the Countess's property
+may have been valued at near half a million of our money); 'and then
+I will discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me
+by threats, or insult me again as you have done, I will use that
+influence, which, as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of
+the duchy, as you were out of the Netherlands last year.'
+
+I rang the bell quite quietly. 'Zamor,' said I to a tall negro
+fellow habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, 'when you
+hear the bell ring a second time, you will take this packet to the
+Marshal of the Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny,
+and this you will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his
+Highness the Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go
+with the parcels until I ring again.'
+
+The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and
+said, 'Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me,
+declaring your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums
+you owe me; it is accompanied by a document from myself (for I
+expected some resistance on your part), stating that my honour has
+been called in question, and begging that the paper may be laid
+before your august master his Highness. The second packet is for
+your grandfather, enclosing the letter from you in which you state
+yourself to be his heir, and begging for a confirmation of the fact.
+The last parcel, for his Highness the Hereditary Duke,' added I,
+looking most sternly, 'contains the Gustavus Adolphus emerald, which
+he gave to his princess, and which you pledged to me as a family
+jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness must be great
+indeed,' I concluded, 'when you could extort from her such a jewel
+as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your play-
+debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.'
+
+'Villain!' said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror,
+'would you implicate the Princess?'
+
+'Monsieur de Magny,' I answered, with a sneer, 'no: I will say YOU
+STOLE the jewel.' It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and
+infatuated Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it
+had been committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald
+is simple enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny
+caused our bank to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny's
+trinkets to Mannheim to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the
+history of the stone in question; and when he asked how her Highness
+came to part with it, my uncle very cleverly took up the story where
+he found it, said that the Princess was very fond of play, that it
+was not always convenient to her to pay, and hence the emerald had
+come into our hands. He brought it wisely back with him to S--; and,
+as regards the other jewels which the Chevalier pawned to us, they
+were of no particular mark: no inquiries have ever been made about
+them to this day; and I did not only not know then that they came
+from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon the matter now.
+
+The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit,
+when I charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols
+that were lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world
+his accuser and his own ruined self. With such imprudence and
+miserable recklessness on his part and that of the unhappy lady who
+had forgotten herself for this poor villain, he must have known that
+discovery was inevitable. But it was written that this dreadful
+destiny should be accomplished: instead of ending like a man, he now
+cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, flinging himself down on
+the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon all the saints to
+help him: as if they could be interested in the fate of such a
+wretch as he!
+
+I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor
+my black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to
+my escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always
+do, generously towards him. I said that, for security's sake, I
+should send the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my
+honour to restore it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary
+consideration, on the day when she should procure the sovereign's
+consent to my union with the Countess Ida.
+
+This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was
+playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its
+propriety, I say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor
+as myself can't afford to be squeamish about their means of getting
+on in life. The great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand
+staircase of the world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the
+wall, or push and struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl
+through any of the conduits of the house, never mind how foul and
+narrow, that lead to the top. The unambitious sluggard pretends that
+the eminence is not worth attaining, declines altogether the
+struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a poor-
+spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and that is
+so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow.
+
+The manner to be adopted for Magny's retreat was proposed by myself,
+and was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both
+parties. I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her,
+'Madam, though I have never declared myself your admirer, you and
+the Court have had sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my
+demand would, I know, have been backed by his Highness, your august
+guardian. I know the Duke's gracious wish is, that my attentions
+should be received favourably; but, as time has not appeared to
+alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I have too much spirit to
+force a lady of your name and rank to be united to me against your
+will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for form's sake, a
+proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should reply, as I
+am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the negative: on
+which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of you, stating
+that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke's desire, should
+induce me to persist in my suit.'
+
+The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de
+Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand
+for the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the
+proposal. She little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that
+sort of delicacy, and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew
+his addresses was of my invention.
+
+As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but
+cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly,
+so as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting
+herself with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess
+Olivia was good enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in
+my favour, and solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though
+Monsieur de Magny had retired from paying his addresses, his
+Highness her guardian would still marry her as he thought fit, and
+that she must for ever forget her out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I
+can't conceive how such a shabby rogue as that could ever have had
+the audacity to propose for her: his birth was certainly good; but
+what other qualifications had he?
+
+When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you
+may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very
+humble servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or
+tournament, held at this period, in imitation of the antique
+meetings of chivalry, in which the chevaliers tilted at each other,
+or at the ring; and on this occasion I was habited in a splendid
+Roman dress (viz., a silver helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of
+gilt leather richly embroidered, a light blue velvet mantle, and
+crimson morocco half-boots): and in this habit I rode my bay horse
+Brian, carried off three rings, and won the prize over all the
+Duke's gentry, and the nobility of surrounding countries who had
+come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to be the prize of
+the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he selected. So I
+rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated behind the
+Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet gracefully,
+begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus proclaimed
+myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. She
+turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess
+Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse,
+I galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the
+opposite end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my
+bay.
+
+My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with
+the young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader,
+impostor, and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing
+these gentry. I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and
+bravest of the young men who seemed to have a hankering for the
+Countess Ida, and publicly insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my
+cards into his face. The next day I rode thirty-five miles into the
+territory of the Elector of B----, and met Monsieur de
+Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through his body; then rode
+back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and presented myself at
+the Duchess's whist that evening. Magny was very unwilling to
+accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and that he
+should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage to
+her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked
+and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew
+crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her
+circle, until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to
+say, everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which
+commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was
+obliged to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French
+say, acting the pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying
+me always! he who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he
+who thought his pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to
+the race of great Irish kings from which I descended; who had
+sneered at me a hundred times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had
+called me a vulgar Irish upstart. Now I had my revenge of the
+gentleman, and took it too.
+
+I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name
+of Maxime. I would say, 'Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?' in the
+Princess's hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and
+vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I,
+poor private of Bulow's regiment. And this is a proof of what genius
+and perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people
+never to have SECRETS--if they can help it.
+
+I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew
+all: and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me,
+that she thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a
+lady, which I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a
+child before its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman's way, too,
+make all sorts of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask
+about my palace in Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether,
+when I was a private in Bulow's foot, my royal relatives had
+interposed to rescue me, and whether the cane was smartly
+administered there,--anything to mortify me. But, Heaven bless you!
+I can make allowances for people, and used to laugh in her face.
+Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my pleasure to
+look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil was
+trembling lest I should break out under the Princess's sarcasm and
+tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say
+something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And
+THAT was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would
+wince just as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying
+anything rude to herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg
+my pardon in private; and though her pride would often get the
+better of her, yet her prudence obliged this magnificent princess to
+humble herself to the poor penniless Irish boy.
+
+As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the
+Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be
+very fond of her. To do them justice, I don't know which of the two
+disliked me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire,
+and coquetry; or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The
+latter, especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after
+all, I have pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men
+in Europe, and would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest
+or a leg with me: but I did not care for any of her silly
+prejudices, and determined to win her and wear her in spite of
+herself. Was it on account of her personal charms or qualities? No.
+She was quite white, thin, short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my
+taste is quite the contrary; and as for her mind, no wonder that a
+poor creature who had a hankering after a wretched ragged ensign
+could never appreciate ME. It was her estate I made love to; as for
+herself, it would be a reflection on my taste as a man of fashion to
+own that I liked her.
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY
+
+My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in
+Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far
+as my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty
+certain of completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at
+the Princess's apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I
+desired of seeing the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she
+received me with any particular favour; the silly young creature's
+affections were, as I have said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and,
+however captivating my own person and manners may have been, it was
+not to be expected that she should all of a sudden forget her lover
+for the sake of the young Irish gentleman who was paying his
+addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got were far from
+discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to aid me in
+my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory must be
+mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who could
+tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my
+illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in
+her ruin?
+
+All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in
+spite of the Countess Ida's disinclination, it was much easier to
+bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly
+constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up
+with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were
+customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man.
+
+I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at
+my feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke,
+over whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of
+the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his
+Highness's morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an
+order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame
+de Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to
+oblige the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to
+occupy the throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and
+exceedingly fond of good living. When he was gone, his relict would
+find the patronage of the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her.
+Hence there was a close mutual understanding between the two ladies;
+and the world said that the Hereditary Princess was already indebted
+to the favourite for help on various occasions. Her Highness had
+obtained, through the Countess, several large grants of money for
+the payment of her multifarious debts; and she was now good enough
+to exert her gracious influence over Madame de Liliengarten in order
+to obtain for me the object so near my heart. It is not to be
+supposed that my end was to be obtained without continual
+unwillingness and refusals on Magny's part; but I pushed my point
+resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the stubbornness
+of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without vanity,
+that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess
+(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better
+taste and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners
+with us in one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the
+handsomest man in the duchy. All I was required to prove was my
+nobility, and I got at Vienna such a pedigree as would satisfy the
+most greedy in that way. In fact, what had a man descended from the
+Barrys and the Bradys to fear before any VON in Germany? By way of
+making assurance doubly sure, I promised Madame de Liliengarten ten
+thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and she knew that as a
+play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, that had I paid
+fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money.
+
+Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was
+a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful
+protectors. Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably
+inclined to me; for, his favourite charger falling ill of the
+staggers, I gave him a ball such as my uncle Brady used to
+administer, and cured the horse; after which his Highness was
+pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me to his hunting and
+shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good sportsman; and
+once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my prospects in
+life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I had not
+adopted a more regular means of advancement. 'Sir,' said I, 'if you
+will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is
+only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A
+private still in King Frederick's grenadiers. I come of a race which
+gave princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of
+their vast possessions. My uncle's adherence to his ancient faith
+drove him from our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in
+the military service; but the insolence and ill-treatment which I
+received at the hands of the English were not bearable by a high-
+born gentleman, and I fled their service. It was only to fall into
+another bondage to all appearance still more hopeless; when my good
+star sent a preserver to me in my uncle, and my spirit and gallantry
+enabled me to take advantage of the means of escape afforded me.
+Since then we have lived, I do not disguise it, by play; but who can
+say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could find myself in an
+honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I would never,
+except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, touch a
+card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident at
+Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I
+feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to
+have occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall
+bring them into play.'
+
+The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and
+impressed him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he
+believed me, and would be glad to stand my friend.
+
+Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite
+enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry
+off the great prize; and I ought, according to all common
+calculations, to have been a Prince of the Empire at this present
+writing, but that my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was
+not the least to blame,--the unhappy Duchess's attachment to the
+weak, silly, cowardly Frenchman. The display of this love was
+painful to witness, as its end was frightful to think of. The
+Princess made no disguise of it. If Magny spoke a word to a lady of
+her household, she would be jealous, and attack with all the fury of
+her tongue the unlucky offender. She would send him a half-dozen of
+notes in the day: at his arrival to join her circle or the courts
+which she held, she would brighten up, so that all might perceive.
+It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this been made
+aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself of so
+high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping so
+far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say,
+that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which
+the Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command
+never more to be troubled on the subject. 'The Princess is light-
+minded,' he said; 'she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her
+folly goes not beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her
+birth, and my name, and her children, to defend her.' And he would
+ride off to his military inspections and be absent for weeks, or
+retire to his suite of apartments, and remain closeted there whole
+days; only appearing to make a bow at her Highness's LEVEE, or to
+give her his hand at the Court galas, where ceremony required that
+he should appear. He was a man of vulgar tastes, and I have seen him
+in the private garden, with his great ungainly figure, running
+races, or playing at ball with his little son and daughter, whom he
+would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. The serene children
+were brought to their mother every morning at her toilette; but she
+received them very indifferently: except on one occasion, when the
+young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel of hussars,
+being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor
+Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with
+the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does
+of a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the
+Princess's rouge came off on the arm of her son's little white
+military jacket; on which she slapped the poor child's face, and
+sent him sobbing away. Oh, the woes that have been worked by women
+in this world! the misery into which men have lightly stepped with
+smiling faces; often not even with the excuse of passion, but from
+mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men play with these dreadful two-
+edged tools, as if no harm could come to them. I, who have seen more
+of life than most men, if I had a son, would go on my knees to him
+and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than poison. Once intrigue,
+and your whole life is endangered: you never know when the evil may
+fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the ruin of
+innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment of
+your folly.
+
+When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to
+be, in spite of ail the claims I had against him, I urged him to
+fly. He had rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess's
+quarters (the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a
+city of noble retainers of the family); but the infatuated young
+fool would not budge, although he had not even the excuse of love
+for staying. 'How she squints,' he would say of the Princess, 'and
+how crooked she is! She thinks no one can perceive her deformity.
+She writes me verses out of Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I
+believe them to be original. Bah! they are no more her own than her
+hair is!' It was in this way that the wretched lad was dancing over
+the ruin that was yawning under him. I do believe that his chief
+pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that he might write
+about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS at Paris,
+where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE DAMES.
+
+Seeing the young man's recklessness, and the danger of his position,
+I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a
+satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter.
+
+My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of
+the connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in
+fact, the poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often
+laughingly to say to him, very little to his liking. But I used more
+than threats, or the legitimate influence I had over him. I used
+delicacy and generosity; as a proof of which, I may mention that I
+promised to give back to the Princess the family emerald, which I
+mentioned in the last chapter that I had won from her unprincipled
+admirer at play.
+
+This was done by my uncle's consent, and was one of the usual acts
+of prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. "Press
+the matter now, Redmond my boy," he would urge. "This affair between
+her Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon;
+and where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your
+time! win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will
+give up the punting business, and go live like noblemen at our
+castle in Swabia. Get rid of that emerald, too," he added: "should
+an accident happen, it will be an ugly deposit found in our hand."
+This it was that made me agree to forego the possession of the
+trinket; which, I must confess, I was loth to part with. It was
+lucky for us both that I did: as you shall presently hear.
+
+Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the
+Countess of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim
+with his Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was
+instructed to induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar
+application to the old sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two
+ladies urged the Prince; his Highness (at a supper of oysters and
+champagne) was brought to consent, and her Highness the Hereditary
+Princess did me the honour of notifying personally to the Countess
+Ida that it was the Prince's will that she should marry the young
+Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de Balibari. The notification
+was made in my presence; and though the young Countess said 'Never!'
+and fell down in a swoon at her lady's feet, I was, you may be sure,
+entirely unconcerned at this little display of mawkish sensibility,
+and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure.
+
+That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he
+promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in
+my way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife,
+and the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to
+allow the richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble,
+though not a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break
+the matter to Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some
+moment of good-humour. He had days of infatuation still, when he
+could refuse his wife nothing; and our plan was to wait for one of
+these, or for any other chance which might occur.
+
+But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband
+at her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible
+ending to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn
+promises to me, Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess
+Olivia.
+
+He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had
+been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had
+given us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young
+man took a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn.
+Moses Lowe recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the
+latter demanded, which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never,
+you may be sure, acquainting us with the means by which he had made
+himself master of so much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that
+he had been supplied by his usual banker, the Princess: and many
+rouleaux of his gold pieces found their way into our treasury, when
+at the Court galas, at our own lodgings, or at the apartments of
+Madame de Liliengarten (who on these occasions did us the honour to
+go halves with us) we held our bank of faro.
+
+Thus Magny's money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his
+jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it,
+that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his
+unhappy creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his
+authority. His Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers,
+horse-dealers, about the Court there, must have told their
+Heidelberg brother what Magny's relations with the Princess were;
+and the rascal determined to take advantage of these, and to press
+to the utmost both victims. My uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming
+upon the high tide of fortune, prospering with our cards, and with
+the still greater matrimonial game which we were playing; and we
+were quite unaware of the mine under our feet.
+
+Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He
+presented himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money;
+otherwise he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the
+Princess again befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the
+first demand only rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not
+how much money was extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but
+it was the cause of the ruin of us all.
+
+One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of
+Liliengarten's, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out
+rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In
+the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read,
+and turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and
+looking up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more
+turns of the cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he
+got up with a wild oath that scared some of the polite company
+assembled, and left the room. A great trampling of horses was heard
+without; but we were too much engaged with our business to heed
+the noise, and continued our play.
+
+Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess,
+'Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald.
+Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.' All the party
+broke up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for
+the night. Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle
+dealt and I paid and took the money), and, looking under the chair,
+there was a crumpled paper, which I took up and read. It was that
+which had been delivered to him, and ran thus:-
+
+'If you have done it, take the orderly's horse who brings this. It
+is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in each holster,
+and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to you if you
+know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our fate--
+whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are
+guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of
+
+    'M.'
+
+This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my
+uncle and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided
+with the Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night,
+felt our triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. 'Has
+Magny,' we asked, 'robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been
+discovered?' In either case, my claims on the Countess Ida were
+likely to meet with serious drawbacks: and I began to feel that my
+'great card' was played and perhaps lost.
+
+Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and
+gallantly played. After supper (which we never for fear of
+consequences took during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to
+what was occurring that I determined to sally out about midnight
+into the town, and inquire what was the real motive of Magny's
+apprehension. A sentry was at the door, and signified to me that I
+and my uncle were under arrest.
+
+We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that
+escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we
+had nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we
+desired and courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened
+during those six weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as
+all Europe did, when we were released from our captivity, we were
+yet far from understanding all the particulars, which were not much
+known to me for many years after. Here they are, as they were told
+me by the lady, who of all the world perhaps was most likely to know
+them. But the narrative had best form the contents of another
+chapter.
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X----
+
+More than twenty years after the events described in the past
+chapters, I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at
+Ranelagh. It was in the year 1790; the emigration from France had
+already commenced, the old counts and marquises were thronging to
+our shores: not starving and miserable, as one saw them a few years
+afterwards, but unmolested as yet, and bringing with them some token
+of their national splendour. I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who,
+proverbially jealous and always anxious to annoy me, spied out a
+foreign lady who was evidently remarking me, and of course asked who
+was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who was leering at me so? I knew her
+not in the least. I felt I had seen the lady's face somewhere (it
+was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and bloated); but I did not
+recognise in the bearer of that face one who had been among the most
+beautiful women in Germany in her day.
+
+It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as
+some said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke
+Victor's father. She had left X----a few months after the elder
+Duke's demise, had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some
+unprincipled adventurer had married her for her money; but, however,
+had always retained her quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the
+great laughter of the Parisians who frequented her house, to the
+honours and ceremonial of a sovereign's widow. She had a throne
+erected in her state-room, and was styled by her servants and those
+who wished to pay court to her, or borrow money from her, 'Altesse.'
+Report said she drank rather copiously--certainly her face bore
+every mark of that habit, and had lost the rosy, frank, good-
+humoured beauty which had charmed the sovereign who had ennobled
+her.
+
+Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at
+this period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no
+difficulty in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note
+was next morning despatched to me. 'An old friend of Monsieur de
+Balibari,' it stated (in extremely bad French), 'is anxious to see
+the Chevalier again and to talk over old happy times. Rosina de
+Liliengarten (can it be that Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?)
+will be at her house in Leicester Fields all the morning, looking
+for one who would never have passed her by TWENTY YEARS ago.'
+
+Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I
+have seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester
+Fields (the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea,
+which had somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after
+salutations, which would be more tedious to recount than they were
+to perform, and after further straggling conversation, she gave me
+briefly the following narrative of the events in X----, which I may
+well entitle the 'Princess's Tragedy.'
+
+'You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of
+Dutch extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews.
+Although everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was
+mortally angry if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his
+fathers' errors by outrageous professions of religion, and the most
+austere practices of devotion. He visited church every morning,
+confessed once a week, and hated Jews and Protestants as much as an
+inquisitor could do. He never lost an opportunity of proving his
+sincerity, by persecuting one or the other whenever occasion fell in
+his way.
+
+'He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had
+insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before
+him at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a
+violent animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of
+Protestant, and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly
+turned his back upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels
+were taking place between them in council; where it was only the
+presence of his august masters that restrained the Baron from
+publicly and frequently expressing the contempt which he felt for
+the officer of police.
+
+'Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and
+it is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You
+remember whom the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?--
+a princess of the house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two
+years after, and, as I feel convinced, with the money which was paid
+to him by the F----family for forwarding the match.
+
+'To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which
+everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern's desire. He knew the
+man would be ruined for ever in the Prince's estimation who carried
+him intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the
+matter to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was
+ripe, he cast about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies
+in the houses of the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of
+course, from your experience of Continental customs. We had all
+spies over each other. Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name)
+used to give me reports every morning; and I used to entertain the
+dear old Duke with stories of you and your uncle practising picquet
+and dice in the morning, and with your quarrels and intrigues. We
+levied similar contributions on everybody in X----, to amuse the
+dear old man. Monsieur de Magny's valet used to report both to me
+and Monsieur de Geldern.
+
+'I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of
+my exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent
+upon the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier.
+How the Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing,
+is beyond my comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of
+a woman in love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari,
+that our sex generally fix upon a bad man.'
+
+'Not always, madam,' I interposed; 'your humble servant has created
+many such attachments.'
+
+'I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,' said
+the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. 'The Jew who held
+the emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was
+offered a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the
+pledge. He committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the
+emerald with him to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by
+the Princess with money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready
+to pay it.'
+
+'Their interview took place in Magny's own apartments, when his
+valet overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who
+was always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession,
+was so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had
+the conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously
+stipulated.
+
+'At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was
+for killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him.
+The man had heard every word of the conversation between the
+disputants, and the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and
+Magny, a quick and passionate, but not a violent man, bade the
+servant lead the villain downstairs, and thought no more of him.
+
+'Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his
+possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he
+could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that
+night.'
+
+'Your ladyship went halves, madam,' said I; 'and you know how little
+I was the better for my winnings.'
+
+'The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no
+sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren,
+where he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office
+of his Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of
+the conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his
+master.
+
+'Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy's prudence
+and fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to
+provide for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to
+reward their instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how
+seldom those promises are kept. "Now, go and find out," said
+Monsieur de Geldern, "at what time the Israelite proposes to return
+home again, or whether he will repent and take the money." The man
+went on this errand. Meanwhile, to make matters sure, Geldern
+arranged a play-party at my house, inviting you thither with your
+bank, as you may remember; and finding means, at the same time, to
+let Maxime de Magny know that there was to be faro at Madame de
+Liliengarten's. It was an invitation the poor fellow never
+neglected.'
+
+I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of
+the infernal Minister of Police.
+
+'The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had
+made inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg
+banker lodged, and that it was the latter's intention to leave X----
+that afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse,
+exceedingly humbly attired, after the manner of his people.
+
+'"Johann," said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the
+shoulder, "I am more and more pleased with you. I have been
+thinking, since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful
+manner in which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion
+to place you according to your merits. Which way does this
+Israelitish scoundrel take?"
+
+'"He goes to R----to-night."
+
+'"And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann
+Kerner?"
+
+'"Will your Excellency try me?" said the man, his eyes glittering:
+"I served through the Seven Years' War, and was never known to fail
+there."
+
+'"Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very
+keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who
+brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You
+understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her
+Highness. I need say no more."
+
+'"You shall have it to-night, sir," said the man. "Of course your
+Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident."
+
+'"Psha!" answered the Minister; "I will pay you half the money
+beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident's impossible if
+you take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the
+Jew rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say,
+the old Powder-Mill in the wood. What's to prevent you from putting
+a rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me
+this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say 'foxes
+are loose,'--that's the word for to-night. They will let you pass
+them without questions."
+
+'The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny
+was losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew
+at the spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew's
+horse stumbled over a rope which had been placed across the road;
+and, as the rider fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed
+out on him, masked, and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He
+had no wish to kill the Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should
+render extreme measures necessary.
+
+'Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared
+for mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of
+patrol came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man.
+
+'Kerner swore an oath. "You have come too soon," said he to the
+sergeant of the police. "FOXES ARE LOOSE." "Some are caught," said
+the sergeant, quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow's hands with
+the rope which he had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew.
+He was placed behind a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly
+accommodated, and the party thus came back into the town as the
+night fell. 'They were taken forthwith to the police quarter; and,
+as the chief happened to be there, they were examined by his
+Excellency in person. Both were rigorously searched; the Jew's
+papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was found in a private
+pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him angrily, said,
+"Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one of her
+Highness's equerries!" and without hearing a word in exculpation
+from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement.
+
+'Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince's apartments at
+the palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he
+produced the emerald. "This jewel," said he, "has been found on the
+person of a Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late,
+and has had many dealings with her Highness's equerry, the Chevalier
+de Magny. This afternoon the Chevalier's servant came from his
+master's lodgings, accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make
+inquiries as to the route the man intended to take on his way
+homewards; followed him, or preceded him rather, and was found in
+the act of rifling his victim by my police in the Kaiserwald. The
+man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, a large sum in
+gold was found on his person; and though it is with the utmost pain
+that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to
+implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de
+Magny, I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined
+relative to the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness's
+private service, and in her confidence I have heard, I would not
+venture to apprehend him without your Highness's permission."
+
+'The Prince's Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de
+Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange
+intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the
+dreadful news of his grandson's supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness
+himself was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms
+should have the chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all
+events, Monsieur de Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted
+to go off to the Baron undisturbed, and break to him the
+intelligence of the accusation pending over the unfortunate
+Chevalier.
+
+'It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe,
+for, after hearing Hengst's narrative (as the latter afterwards told
+me), he only said, "Heaven's will be done!" for some time refused to
+stir a step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his
+friend was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny
+received at our play-table.
+
+'Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess's money, a police
+visit was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his
+guilt with respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with
+the Princess, were discovered there,--tokens of her giving,
+passionate letters from her, copies of his own correspondence to his
+young friends at Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused,
+and carefully put together under seal for his Highness, Prince
+Victor. I have no doubt he perused them, for, on delivering them to
+the Hereditary Prince, Geldern said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS
+HIGHNESS'S ORDERS, he had collected the Chevalier's papers; but he
+need not say that, on his honour, he (Geldern) himself had never
+examined the documents. His difference with Messieurs de Magny was
+known; he begged his Highness to employ any other official person in
+the judgment of the accusation brought against the young Chevalier.
+
+'All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A
+run of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari--
+was against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received
+his uncle's note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched
+gambler, that, on receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard,
+where the horse was in waiting, absolutely took the money which the
+poor old gentleman had placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it
+upstairs, played it, and lost it; and when he issued from the room
+to fly, it was too late: he was placed in arrest at the bottom of my
+staircase, as you were upon entering your own home.
+
+'Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to
+arrest him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see
+him, and flung himself into the lad's arms, and embraced him: it was
+said, for the first time in many years. "He is here, gentlemen," he
+sobbed out,--"thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!" and then
+sank back in a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by
+those present, to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known
+to be so cold and stern.
+
+'"Robbery!" said the young man. "I swear before Heaven I am guilty
+of none!" and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed
+between them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-
+house into the prison which he was destined never to quit.
+
+'That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had
+brought to him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no
+doubt, that he gave orders for your arrest; for you were taken at
+midnight, Magny at ten o'clock; after which time the old Baron de
+Magny had seen his Highness, protesting of his grandson's innocence,
+and the Prince had received him most graciously and kindly. His
+Highness said he had no doubt the young man was innocent; his birth
+and his blood rendered such a crime impossible; but suspicion was
+too strong against him: he was known to have been that day closeted
+with the Jew; to have received a very large sum of money which he
+squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, doubtless, been the
+lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, who inquired the
+hour of the Jew's departure, lay in wait for him, and rifled him.
+Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common justice
+required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, he
+should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had
+for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With
+this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left
+old General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest
+almost consoled, and confident in Maxime's eventual and immediate
+release.
+
+'But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been
+reading papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in
+the next room across the door, bade him get horses, which were
+always kept in readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of
+letters into a box, told the page to follow him on horseback with
+these. The young man (Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young
+lady who was then of my household, and who is now Madame de
+Weissenborn, and a mother of a score of children.
+
+'The page described that never was such a change seen as in his
+august master in the course of that single night. His eyes were
+bloodshot, his face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him,
+and he who had always made his appearance on parade as precisely
+dressed as any sergeant of his troops, might have been seen
+galloping through the lonely streets at early dawn without a hat,
+his unpowdered hair streaming behind him like a madman.
+
+'The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it
+was no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the
+town, and through it to the General's quarter. The sentinels at the
+door were scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the
+General's gate, and, not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused
+him admission. "Fools," said Weissenborn, "it is the Prince!" And,
+jangling at the bell as if for an alarm of fire, the door was at
+length opened by the porter, and his Highness ran up to the Generals
+bedchamber, followed by the page with the box.
+
+'"Magny--Magny," roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door,
+"get up!" And to the queries of the old man from within, answered,
+"It is I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!" And presently the door was
+opened by the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince
+entered. The page brought in the box, and was bidden to wait
+without, which he did; but there led from Monsieur de Magny's
+bedroom into his antechamber two doors, the great one which formed
+the entrance into his room, and a smaller one which led, as the
+fashion is with our houses abroad, into the closet which
+communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door of this was
+found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man was thus
+enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the
+apartment.
+
+'The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so
+early a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a
+while reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and
+pacing up and down the room.
+
+'At last he said, "Here is the cause!" dashing his fist on the box;
+and, as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the
+door for a moment, saying, "Weissenborn perhaps has it;" but seeing
+over the stove one of the General's couteaux de chasse, he took it
+down, and said, "That will do," and fell to work to burst the red
+trunk open with the blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and
+he gave an oath, but continued haggling on with the broken blade,
+which was better suited to his purpose than the long pointed knife,
+and finally succeeded in wrenching open the lid of the chest.
+
+'"What is the matter?" said he, laughing. "Here's the matter;--read
+that!--here's more matter, read that!--here's more--no, not that;
+that's somebody else's picture--but here's hers! Do you know that,
+Magny? My wife's--the Princess's! Why did you and your cursed race
+ever come out of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever
+your feet fell, and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and
+yours ever had from my family but confidence and kindness? We gave
+you a home when you had none, and here's our reward!" and he flung a
+parcel of papers down before the old General; who saw the truth at
+once;--he had known it long before, probably, and sank down on his
+chair, covering his face.
+
+'The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. "If a man
+injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling
+lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself.
+You would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who's to
+help me to my revenge? I've no equal. I can't meet that dog of a
+Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had
+played the traitor to one of his own degree."
+
+'"The blood of Maxime de Magny," said the old gentleman proudly, "is
+as good as that of any prince in Christendom."
+
+'"Can I take it?" cried the Prince; "you know I can't. I can't have
+the privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do?
+Look here, Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn't know what to
+do. You've served me for thirty years; you've saved my life twice:
+they are all knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no
+honest men or women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell
+me what am I to do?" Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor
+distracted Prince fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly
+flung himself down, and burst out in an agony of tears.
+
+'Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common
+occasions, when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince's
+part, became, as my informant has described to me, as much affected
+as his master. The old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell,
+as it were, into the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He
+lost all sense of dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out
+into all sorts of wild incoherent attempts at consolation; so much
+so, that Weissenborn said he could not bear to look at the scene,
+and actually turned away from the contemplation of it.
+
+'But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of
+the long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the
+conversation with his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers
+and sent the page back for them. The General was on his knees
+praying in the room when the young man entered, and only stirred and
+looked wildly round as the other removed the packet. The Prince rode
+away to his hunting-lodge at three leagues from X----, and three
+days after that Maxime de Magny died in prison; having made a
+confession that he was engaged in an attempt to rob the Jew, and
+that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his dishonour.
+
+'But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his
+grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison.
+This, however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his
+grandson the draught which was to carry him out of the world;
+represented to the wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that
+it would be public and disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the
+punishment, and so left him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and
+not until he had used EVERY means of escape, as you shall hear, that
+the unfortunate being's life was brought to an end.
+
+'As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time
+after his grandson's death, and my honoured Duke's demise. After his
+Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were
+walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding
+in the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly
+abroad after his paralytic fits. "This is my wife, Magny," said the
+Prince affectionately, taking the veteran's hand; and he added,
+turning to his Princess, "General de Magny saved my life during the
+Seven Years' War."
+
+'"What, you've taken her back again?" said the old man. "I wish
+you'd send me back my poor Maxime." He had quite forgotten the death
+of the poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark
+indeed, passed away.
+
+'And now,' said Madame de Liliengarten, 'I have only one more gloomy
+story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even
+more horrible than the tale I have just told you.' With which
+preface the old lady resumed her narrative.
+
+'The kind weak Princess's fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by
+the cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from
+his prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for
+the Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny
+with only robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him,
+and to bribe the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that
+she lost all patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she
+may have had for Magny's liberation; for her husband was inexorable,
+and caused the Chevalier's prison to be too strictly guarded for
+escape to be possible. She offered the State jewels in pawn to the
+Court banker; who of course was obliged to decline the transaction.
+She fell down on her knees, it is said, to Geldern, the Police
+Minister, and offered him Heaven knows what as a bribe. Finally, she
+came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, with his age, diseases,
+and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of so violent a nature;
+and who, in consequence of the excitement created in his august
+bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit in which I very
+nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an untimely end by
+these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for the
+Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, could
+have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart
+received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take
+a share.
+
+'All her Highness's movements were carefully, though not ostensibly,
+watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august
+father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke)
+should dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he,
+Prince Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour
+of high treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his
+father from the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence
+interposition on our part was vain, and Magny was left to his fate.
+
+'It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister,
+Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince's guard,
+waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his
+grandfather had visited him there and left behind him the phial of
+poison which the criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern
+signified to the young man that unless he took of his own accord the
+laurelwater provided by the elder Magny, more violent means of death
+would be instantly employed upon him, and that a file of grenadiers
+was in waiting in the courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny,
+with the most dreadful self-abasement, after dragging himself round
+the room on his knees from one officer to another, weeping and
+screaming with terror, at last desperately drank off the potion, and
+was a corpse in a few minutes. Thus ended this wretched young man.
+
+'His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the
+paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for
+having attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by
+poison in prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of
+the duchy to avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the
+cause of the young man's ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs
+of one of the noblest and most honourable of the servants of the
+Duke irretrievable sorrow.
+
+'The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny
+attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first
+people of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He
+attended parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke
+Victor, who had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning
+on the brave old warrior's arm. He was particularly gracious to the
+old man, and told his officers the oft-repeated story how at
+Rosbach, when the X----contingent served with the troops of the
+unlucky Soubise, the General had thrown himself in the way of a
+French dragoon, who was pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout,
+had received the blow intended for his master, and killed the
+assailant. And he alluded to the family motto of "Magny sans tache,"
+and said, "It had been always so with his gallant friend and tutor
+in arms." This speech affected all present very much; with the
+exception of the old General, who only bowed and did not speak: but
+when he went home he was heard muttering "Magny sans tache, Magny
+sans tache!" and was attacked with paralysis that night, from which
+he never more than partially recovered.
+
+'The news of Maxime's death had somehow been kept from the Princess
+until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph
+containing the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know
+not how, made known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell
+me, she screamed and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and
+raved like a madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her
+physician attended her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this
+while the Prince used to send to make inquiries concerning her; and
+from his giving orders that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be
+prepared and furnished, I make no doubt it was his intention to send
+her into confinement thither: as had been done with the unhappy
+sister of His Britannic Majesty at Zell.
+
+'She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which
+the latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her
+Highness when her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her
+passionate letters he sent back for reply a packet, which, when
+opened, was found to contain the emerald that had been the cause
+round which all this dark intrigue moved.
+
+'Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the
+presence of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime's
+hair was more precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang
+for her carriage, and said she would go and kiss his tomb;
+proclaimed the murdered martyr's innocence, and called down the
+punishment of Heaven, the wrath of her family, upon his assassin.
+The Prince, on hearing these speeches (they were all, of course,
+regularly brought to him), is said to have given one of his dreadful
+looks (which I remember now), and to have said, "This cannot last
+much longer."
+
+'All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating
+the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings
+of France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches
+of her family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to
+protect her against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing
+his person in the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time
+confessing her love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that
+those ladies who were faithful to her pointed out to her the
+inutility of these letters, the dangerous folly of the confessions
+which they made; she insisted upon writing them, and used to give
+them to her second robe-woman, a Frenchwoman (her Highness always
+affectioned persons of that nation), who had the key of her
+cassette, and carried every one of these epistles to Geldern.
+
+'With the exception that no public receptions were held, the
+ceremony of the Princess's establishment went on as before. Her
+ladies were allowed to wait upon her and perform their usual duties
+about her person. The only men admitted were, however, her servants,
+her physician and chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into
+the garden, a heyduc, who kept the door, intimated to her Highness
+that the Prince's orders were that she should keep her apartments.
+
+'They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble
+staircase of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor's suite of
+rooms being opposite the Princess's on the same landing. This space
+is large, filled with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and
+officers who waited upon the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber
+of the landing-place, and pay their court to his Highness there, as
+he passed out, at eleven o'clock, to parade. At such a time, the
+heyducs within the Princess's suite of rooms used to turn out with
+their halberts and present to Prince Victor--the same ceremony being
+performed on his own side, when pages came out and announced the
+approach of his Highness. The pages used to come out and say, "The
+Prince, gentlemen!" and the drums beat in the hall, and the
+gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that ran along the
+balustrade.
+
+'As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her
+guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing,
+as was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in
+the old days he used to cross to the Princess's apartment and kiss
+her hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning,
+complaining of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments
+should be left open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think
+was now evident, rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed
+out, flung them open, and before a word could be said, or her ladies
+could follow her, was in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as
+usual on the landing: placing herself between him and the stair, she
+began apostrophising him with frantic vehemence:--
+
+'"Take notice, gentlemen!" she screamed out, "that this man is a
+murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen,
+and kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and
+fear the same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny,
+may, any night, put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to
+all the kings of Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free
+from this tyrant and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you
+all, as gentlemen of honour, to carry these letters to my relatives,
+and say from whom you had them!" and with this the unhappy lady
+began scattering letters about among the astonished crowd.
+
+'"LET NO MAN STOOP!" cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder.
+"Madame de Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call
+the Princess's physicians: her Highness's brain is affected.
+Gentlemen, have the goodness to retire." And the Prince stood on the
+landing as the gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to
+the guard, "Soldier, if she moves, strike with your halbert!" on
+which the man brought the point of his weapon to the Princess's
+breast; and the lady, frightened, shrank back and re-entered her
+apartments. "Now, Monsieur de Weissenborn," said the Prince, "pick
+up all those papers;" and the Prince went into his own apartments,
+preceded by his pages, and never quitted them until he had seen
+every one of the papers burnt.
+
+'The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the
+three physicians, stating that "her Highness the Hereditary Princess
+laboured under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless
+and disturbed night." Similar notices were issued day after day. The
+services of all her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards
+were placed within and without her doors; her windows were secured,
+so that escape from them was impossible: and you know what took
+place ten days after. The church-bells were ringing all night, and
+the prayers of the faithful asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A
+GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged with black, and stating that
+the high and mighty Princess Olivia Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His
+Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, Hereditary Prince of X----,
+had died in the evening of the 24th of January 1769.
+
+'But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery.
+Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the
+secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor's
+death, did I reveal it.
+
+'After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince
+sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration
+to secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed,
+there is no secret in the world that women cannot know if they
+will), despatched him on the following mysterious commission.
+
+'"There lives," said his Highness, "on the Kehl side of the river,
+opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find
+out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make
+your inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any
+remark; perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose,
+where the person is quite well known. You will take with you any
+comrade on whom you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember,
+depend on your secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR
+DE STRASBOURG is alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives
+with him (I myself visited the man by accident on my return from
+Paris five years since, and hence am induced to send for him now, in
+my present emergency). You will have your carriage waiting at his
+door at night; and you and your comrade will enter his house masked;
+and present him with a purse of a hundred louis; promising him
+double that sum on his return from his expedition. If he refuse, you
+must use force and bring him; menacing him with instant death should
+he decline to follow you. You will place him in the carriage with
+the blinds drawn, one or other of you never losing sight of him the
+whole way, and threatening him with death if he discover himself or
+cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, where a room
+shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you will restore
+him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which you
+brought him from it."
+
+'Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and
+Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant
+Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey.
+
+'All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the
+bulletins in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance
+of the Princess's malady; and though she had but few attendants,
+strange and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress
+of her complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself.
+She had fancied herself to be I don't know how many different
+characters. Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her
+state, and couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to
+procure the attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of
+the brain. That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never
+intended that the Princess should recover.
+
+'The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their
+expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much
+worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at
+the agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring
+to make her escape.
+
+'She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who
+attended her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was
+arranged. The Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door,
+opening from one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it
+was said, of the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was
+brought to her, purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law,
+and stating that a carriage and horses had been provided, and would
+take her to B----: the territory where she might communicate with
+her family and be safe.
+
+'The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the
+expedition. The passages wound through the walls of the modern part
+of the palace and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was
+called, on the outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and
+for good reason.
+
+'At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying,
+went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her
+hand was seized, and a voice cried "Hush!" The next minute a man in
+a mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a
+handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried
+swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a
+person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who
+had gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, "It had best be
+done now she has fainted."
+
+'Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from
+her swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and
+endeavoured to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be
+done upon her, and for the state into which she was about to enter,
+when she came to herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to
+curse the Duke as a butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her
+dear Magny.
+
+'At this the Duke said, quite calmly, "May God have mercy on her
+sinful soul!" He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went
+down on their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief,
+Weissenborn fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE
+STRASBOURG, taking the back hair in his hand, separated the
+shrieking head of Olivia from the miserable sinful body. May Heaven
+have mercy upon her soul!'
+
+. . . .
+
+This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader
+will have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected
+myself and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at
+liberty, but with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with
+an escort of dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property
+we had, we were allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of
+our play debts were paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida
+were thus at an end.
+
+When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months
+after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the
+good old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera
+and ballet sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old
+Duke had sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my
+Countess's beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don't
+know whether they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of
+such a poor spirit did not merit any very high degree of pleasure.
+
+The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his
+first wife's demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister,
+built the grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What
+became of the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only
+MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the
+Jew, the chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those
+sharp tools with which great people cut out their enterprises are
+generally broken in the using: nor did I ever hear that their
+employers had much regard for them in their ruin.
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION
+
+I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast
+deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be
+told, viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of
+England and Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among
+the most illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished
+of the brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this
+portion of my Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my
+foreign adventures can be (though I could fill volumes with
+interesting descriptions of the latter),--I shall cut short the
+account of my travels in Europe, and of my success at the
+Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell me at home.
+Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, except the
+beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari was
+not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the
+high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from
+Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly
+favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal
+Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at
+Rome; my uncle played several matches at billiards against the
+celebrated Lord C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a
+loser. In fact, by a neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh
+against his Lordship, and something a great deal more substantial.
+My Lord did not know that the Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and
+when, one day, my uncle playfully bet him odds at billiards that he
+would play him with a patch over one eye, the noble lord, thinking
+to bite us (he was one of the most desperate gamblers that ever
+lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very considerable amount of
+him.
+
+Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the
+creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most
+athletic, and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a
+young fellow of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which
+a person of my spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these
+subjects I am dumb. Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark
+Valdez, tender Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that
+knew how to beat in old times for the warm young Irish gentleman,
+where are you now? Though my hair has grown grey now, and my sight
+dim, and my heart cold with years, and ennui, and disappointment,
+and the treachery of friends, yet I have but to lean back in my arm-
+chair and think, and those sweet figures come rising up before me
+out of the past, with their smiles, and their kindnesses, and their
+bright tender eyes! There are no women like them now--no manners
+like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the Prince's, stitched
+up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists under their arms,
+and compare them to the graceful figures of the old time! Why, when
+I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the birth of the
+first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet in
+circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three
+inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand
+crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty
+thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are
+dressed like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies
+are not dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of
+the chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of
+the fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This
+manuscript must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was
+the leader of the London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature,
+who can no more dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot
+even crack a bottle like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be
+a man with his sword in his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in
+the good old times, before that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of
+the world! Oh, to see the Valdez once again, as on that day I met
+her first driving in state, with her eight mules and her retinue of
+gentlemen, by the side of yellow Mancanares! Oh, for another drive
+with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, over the Saxon snow! False as
+Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jilted by her than to be adored
+by any other woman. I can't think of any one of them without
+tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor little
+museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that
+survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How
+changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round
+her neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw.
+
+I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no
+debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything I
+wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and
+equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor
+let any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married
+my Lady Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an
+adventurer, or say I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless!
+I had the wealth of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a
+meritorious lawyer or a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes
+his own fortune an adventurer. My profession was play: in which I
+was then unrivalled. No man could play with me through Europe, on
+the square; and my income was just as certain (during health and the
+exercise of my profession) as that of a man who draws on his Three-
+per-cents., or any fat squire whose acres bring him revenue. Harvest
+is not more certain than the effect of skill is: a crop is a chance,
+as much as a game of cards greatly played by a fine player: there
+may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, and your stake is
+lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as another.
+
+In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have
+nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of
+another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the
+drama of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal
+acquaintance I made at Spa, very soon after the events described in
+the last chapter had caused me to quit Germany.
+
+Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England,
+Baroness Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known
+to the great world in her day, that I have little need to enter into
+her family history; which is to be had in any peerage that the
+reader may lay his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess,
+viscountess, and baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and
+Cornwall were among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish
+possessions not less magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in
+a very early part of these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal
+property in the kingdom of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in
+the time of Elizabeth and her father went to diminish my acres,
+while they added to the already vast possessions of the Lyndon
+family.
+
+The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the
+wife of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald
+Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George
+III. at several of the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon
+was celebrated as a wit and bon vivant: he could write love-verses
+against Hanbury Williams, and make jokes with George Selwyn; he was
+a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, with whom and Mr. Grey he had
+made a part of the grand tour; and was cited, in a word, as one of
+the most elegant and accomplished men of his time.
+
+I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of
+which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire
+the spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite
+pastime; for, though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a
+cripple wheeled about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet
+you would see him every morning and every evening at his post behind
+the delightful green cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his
+own hands were too feeble or inflamed to hold the box, he would call
+the mains, nevertheless, and have his valet or a friend to throw for
+him. I like this courageous spirit in a man; the greatest successes
+in life have been won by such indomitable perseverance.
+
+I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and
+the fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring
+crowds around me in any public society where I appeared. I could
+show reams of scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my
+acquaintance was not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate
+boasting, and only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to
+relate myself's adventures: the most singular of any man's in
+Europe. Well, Sir Charles Lyndon's first acquaintance with me
+originated in the right honourable knight's winning 700 pieces of me
+at picquet (for which he was almost my match); and I lost them with
+much good-humour, and paid them: and paid them, you may be sure,
+punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, that losing money at
+play never in the least put me out of good-humour with the winner,
+and that wherever I found a superior, I was always ready to
+acknowledge and hail him.
+
+Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we
+contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while
+go beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-
+table at play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted
+into his more private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the
+gentry of those days were much prouder than at present), and used to
+say to me in his haughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no
+more manners than a barber, and I think my black footman has been
+better educated than you; but you are a young fellow of originality
+and pluck, and I like you, sir, because you seem determined to go to
+the deuce by a way of your own.' I would thank him laughingly for
+this compliment, and say, that as he was bound to the next world
+much sooner than I was, I would be obliged to him to get comfortable
+quarters arranged there for me. He used also to be immensely amused
+with my stories about the splendour of my family and the
+magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of listening or
+laughing at those histories.
+
+'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told
+him of my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been
+winning the greatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my
+artless Irish rustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer
+names). 'Cultivate your great talents in the gambling line; but mind
+this, that a woman will beat you.'
+
+That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered
+the most intractable tempers among the sex.
+
+'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As
+soon as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look
+at me. I married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in
+England--married her in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade
+passed over Sir Charles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman.
+You shall see her, sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She
+has embittered my whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the
+better of one of the best heads in Christendom. She is enormously
+rich; but somehow I have never been so poor as since I married her.
+I thought to better myself; and she has made me miserable and killed
+me. And she will do as much for my successor, when I am gone.'
+
+'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charles
+burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my
+gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he
+was, I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit
+might have with his widow.
+
+'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, if
+you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are
+vacant. Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend
+to marry a'----
+
+'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage.
+
+"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word
+on't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and
+mine (he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a
+prize out of the family), I might have died peaceably, at least;
+carried my gout down to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest
+tenement in Mayfair, had every house in England open to me; and now,
+now I have six of my own, and every one of them is a hell to me.
+Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take warning by me. Ever since I
+have been married and have been rich, I have been the most miserable
+wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a worn-out cripple at
+the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to my life. When I
+took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years who looked so
+young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my pensions,
+perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up all
+these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain
+Barry, and stick to the trumps."
+
+Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time
+I never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those
+which he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him;
+and it is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She
+was a goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous
+old woman of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a
+blue-stocking and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English
+and Italian, which still may be read by the curious in the pages of
+the magazines of the day. She entertained a correspondence with
+several of the European savans upon history, science, and ancient
+languages, and especially theology. Her pleasure was to dispute
+controversial points with abbes and bishops; and her flatterers said
+she rivalled Madam Dacier in learning. Every adventurer who had a
+discovery in chemistry, a new antique bust, or a plan for
+discovering the philosopher's stone, was sure to find a patroness in
+her. She had numberless works dedicated to her, and sonnets without
+end addressed to her by all the poetasters of Europe, under the name
+of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded with hideous China
+magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU.
+
+No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to
+be made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship
+practised by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little
+understood in our coarse downright times: and young and old fellows
+would pour out floods of compliments in letters and madrigals, such
+as would make a sober lady stare were they addressed to her
+nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry of the last century
+disappeared out of our manners.
+
+Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had
+half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would
+travel with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds,
+and poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another
+would be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite
+of their care, never could make their mistress look much better than
+a slattern. Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the
+domestics of the establishment would follow in other vehicles.
+
+Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship's
+chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son,
+the little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy,
+about whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother
+never saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put
+to him a few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he
+was consigned to his own amusements, or the care of his governor,
+for the rest of the day.
+
+The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public
+places now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and
+schoolmasters, who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I
+had not the least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire
+to be one of the beggarly adorers in the great lady's train,--
+fellows, half friend, half lacquey, who made verses, and wrote
+letters, and ran errands, content to be paid by a seat in her
+Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at her dinner-table at
+noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon would say, whose great
+subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'my Lindonira will
+have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, not that
+of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be admitted
+to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me the
+honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, a
+gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself by
+gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury!
+I'm a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.'
+
+This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady
+Lyndon; if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of
+those Barrys, whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy
+companion for any lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend
+the knight was dying: his widow would be the richest prize in the
+three kingdoms. Why should I not win her, and, with her, the means
+of making in the world that figure which my genius and inclination
+desired? I felt I was equal in blood and breeding to any Lyndon in
+Christendom, and determined to bend this haughty lady. When I
+determine, I look upon the thing as done.
+
+My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a
+method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle
+Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond of
+pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer
+evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered;
+and I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a
+college tutor and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any
+one who resembled a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of
+servants, my vis-a-vis and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and
+horses, dressed in gold, and velvet, and sables, saluting the
+greatest people in Europe as we met on the course, or at the Spas,
+Runt was dazzled by my advances, and was mine by a beckoning of the
+finger. I shall never forget the poor wretch's astonishment when I
+asked him to dine, with two counts, off gold plate, at the little
+room in the casino: he was made happy by being allowed to win a few
+pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang Cambridge songs, and
+recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid Yorkshire French,
+stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had ever been in his
+college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, and bring with
+him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always detested
+me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and
+picture-books when he came.
+
+I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided
+to him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning
+towards the Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write
+me letters upon transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was
+rather puzzled to answer. I knew that they would be communicated to
+his lady, as they were; for, asking leave to attend the English
+service which was celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by
+the best English then at the Spa, on the second Sunday she
+condescended to look at me; on the third she was pleased to reply to
+my profound bow by a curtsey; the next day I followed up the
+acquaintance by another obeisance in the public walk; and, to make a
+long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full correspondence on
+transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady came to the
+aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious weight
+of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this
+harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every
+one of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady
+was in the case.
+
+I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on
+one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his
+sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and
+four, with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family,
+came driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited;
+and in that carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the
+'vulgar Irish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean
+Redmond Barry, Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and
+grinned and waved his hat in as graceful a manner as the gout
+permitted; and her Ladyship and I replied to the salutation with the
+utmost politeness and elegance on our parts.
+
+I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady
+Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for
+three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which
+her companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but
+when, at last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me
+with a yell of laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all
+the company as Lady Lyndon's interesting young convert. This was his
+way. He laughed and sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in
+a paroxysm of pain; he laughed when he won money, or when he lost
+it: his laugh was not jovial or agreeable, but rather painful and
+sardonic.
+
+'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and
+several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of
+champagne and a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable
+youth! He has been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for
+refuge to my chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my
+wife, Lady Lyndon; and, between them both, they are confirming my
+ingenious young friend in his faith. Did you ever hear of such
+doctors, and such a disciple?'
+
+''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's
+surely better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain
+than to you!'
+
+'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight.
+
+'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there
+were no chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not
+very well pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always
+free-spoken in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups
+many more times in a week than his doctors allowed.
+
+'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawing
+near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of
+me, that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I
+don't mean you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance
+with a score of others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to
+see her, like a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her
+husband's departure?'
+
+'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I,
+with perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing
+companion. 'Not so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,'
+continued he. 'Why, man, I have been given over any time these four
+years; and there was always a candidate or two waiting to apply for
+the situation. Who knows how long I may keep you waiting?' and he
+DID keep me waiting some little time longer than at that period
+there was any reason to suspect.
+
+As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and
+authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with
+whom their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I
+perhaps should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady
+Lyndon. But though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my
+own and other persons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper
+in the passionate style of those days with compliments to every one
+of her beauties and smiles, in which I compared her to every flower,
+goddess, or famous heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say
+that there was nothing divine about her at all. She was very well;
+but no more. Her shape was fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and
+exceedingly active; she loved singing, but performed it as so great
+a lady should, very much out of tune. She had a smattering of half-
+a-dozen modern languages, and, as I have said before, of many more
+sciences than I even knew the names of. She piqued herself on
+knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that Mr. Runt, used to
+supply her with the quotations which she introduced into her
+voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, as
+strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever
+knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his
+differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its
+proper time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than
+myself; though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she
+was three years younger.
+
+Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real
+motives, and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir
+Charles Lyndon said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of
+Lady Lyndon with ulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after
+the scene described and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone,
+'let those laugh that win. You were very pleasant upon me a few
+nights since, and on my intentions regarding your lady. Well, if
+they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO wish to step into your
+shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than you had yourself.
+I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my Lady Lyndon as
+you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when you are dead
+and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear of your
+ghost will deter me?'
+
+Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had
+clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right
+to hunt my fortune as he had.
+
+But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon,
+mark my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty
+you once enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh,
+'the thing that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am
+old, blase, and dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.'
+
+'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity.
+
+'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love
+in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, a
+bouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember
+my own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early
+life), 'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her?
+There's nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend
+upon that. It gives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my
+word for it. No man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself
+a single amusement for his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he
+select the animal properly, he will choose such a one as shall be no
+bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours of annoyance. For
+instance, I have got the gout: who tends me? A hired valet, who robs
+me whenever he has the power. My wife never comes near me. What
+friend have I? None in the wide world. Men of the world, as you and
+I are, don't make friends; and we are fools for our pains. Get a
+friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a good household drudge, who
+loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of friendship; for the
+expense of it is all on the woman's side. The man needn't contribute
+anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel; if he's a
+brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment of
+her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our
+greatest comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it
+were; and to men in your way of life, believe me such a person would
+be invaluable. I am only speaking for your bodily and mental
+comfort's sake, mind. Why didn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the
+curate's daughter?'
+
+I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man;
+although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir
+Charles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we
+often buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a
+year at the expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a
+young fellow of any talent and spirit; and there have been moments
+of my life when, in the midst of my greatest splendour and opulence,
+with half-a-dozen lords at my levee, with the finest horses in my
+stables, the grandest house over my head, with unlimited credit at
+my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, I have wished myself back a
+private of Bulow's, or anything, so as to get rid of her. To return,
+however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his complication of ills,
+was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubt it could not have
+been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome fellow paying
+court to his widow before his own face as it were. After I once got
+into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a dozen
+more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out of
+her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared
+I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have
+told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by
+this time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people
+cared to encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep
+it. Many's the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid
+me. 'Faugh! the low Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse
+adventurer!' 'Out on the insufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so
+forth. This hatred has been of no inconsiderable service to me in
+the world; for when I fasten on a man, nothing can induce me to
+release my hold: and I am left to myself, which is all the better.
+As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with perfect sincerity,
+'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in my correspondence)--'
+Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy own soul, by
+the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure and
+chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease from
+following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands.
+Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climb
+over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it
+was true, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me
+downstairs every day I presented myself at her door.
+
+That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his
+fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret.
+Dare, and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes,
+dare again, and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so
+great, that if I had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the
+blood, I would have had her!
+
+I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth.
+My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that
+I dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking
+passages enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and
+indomitable courage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say:
+'offer to marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which
+never yet met its master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though
+it were to the gates of Hades.' I promise you this was very
+different language to that she had been in the habit of hearing from
+her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You should have seen how I scared the
+fellows from her.
+
+When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon
+across the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so,
+provided nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If
+Lyndon would not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess?
+And somehow, towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my
+mortification I do confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed
+as if nothing would kill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,'
+he would say, laughing as usual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any
+gentleman, waiting. Had you not better arrange with my doctor, or
+get the cook to flavour my omelette with arsenic? What are the odds,
+gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don't live to see Captain Barry
+hanged yet?'
+
+In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual
+luck,' I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential
+and most excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been
+wasting the treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a
+countess, and here's her husband restored to health and likely to
+live I don't know how many years!' And, as if to add to my
+mortification, there came just at this period to Spa an English
+tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum to her fortune; and Madame
+Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and farmer-general, with
+a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year.
+
+'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if
+the knight won't die?'
+
+'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop
+here and pay court to the new arrivals.'
+
+'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all
+England.'
+
+'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up
+a correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she
+likes so much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most
+charming letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and
+meanwhile look out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows?
+you might marry the Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be
+ready for the Countess against the knight's death.'
+
+And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and
+having given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock
+of her hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her
+mistress), I took leave of the Countess, when it became necessary
+for her return to her estates in England; swearing I would follow
+her as soon as an affair of honour I had on my hands could be
+brought to an end.
+
+I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again
+saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity
+at first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs,
+meanwhile, at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was
+just on the point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels
+by this time, and the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the
+London Gazette was put into my hands, and I read the following
+announcement:--
+
+'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right
+Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of
+Parliament for Lyndon in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's
+representative at various European Courts. He hath left behind him a
+name which is endeared to all his friends for his manifold virtues
+and talents, a reputation justly acquired in the service of His
+Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to deplore his loss. Her
+Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was at the Bath when the
+horrid intelligence reached her of her husband's demise, and
+hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad duties
+to his beloved remains.'
+
+That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I
+freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West,
+reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found
+myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country.
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY IN THAT
+KINGDOM
+
+How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor
+penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. I
+returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five
+thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and
+jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes
+of life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war
+and in love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from
+poverty and obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out
+from my chariot windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare
+roads, by the miserable cabins of the peasantry, who came out in
+their rags to stare as the splendid equipage passed, and huzza'd for
+his Lordship's honour as they saw the magnificent stranger in the
+superb gilded vehicle, my huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind
+with curling moustaches and long queue, his green livery barred with
+silver lace, I could not help thinking of myself with considerable
+complacency, and thanking my stars that had endowed me with so many
+good qualities. But for my own merits I should have been a raw Irish
+squireen such as those I saw swaggering about the wretched towns
+through which my chariot passed on its road to Dublin. I might have
+married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I did not, I have
+never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even remember the
+bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than any other
+incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten children
+by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to a
+squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most
+famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper
+money and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I
+warrant me there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour
+as if my Lord Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been
+passing.
+
+My second day's journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those
+days, and the progress of a gentleman's chariot terribly slow--
+brought me to Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had
+used eleven years back, when flying from home after the supposed
+murder of Quin in the duel. How well I remember every moment of the
+scene! The old landlord was gone who had served me; the inn that I
+then thought so comfortable looked wretched and dismantled; but the
+claret was as good as in the old days, and I had the host to partake
+of a jug of it and hear the news of the country.
+
+He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the
+markets, the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last
+story about the vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest;
+how the Whiteboys had burned Squire Scanlan's ricks, and the
+highwaymen had been beaten off in their attack upon Sir Thomas's
+house; who was to hunt the Kilkenny hounds next season, and the
+wonderful run entirely they had last March; what troops were in the
+town, and how Miss Biddy Toole had run off with Ensign Mullins: all
+the news of sport, assize, and quarter-sessions were detailed by
+this worthy chronicler of small-beer, who wondered that my honour
+hadn't heard of them in England, or in foreign parts, where he
+seemed to think the world was as interested as he was about the
+doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these tales with, I
+own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a name would
+come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, and
+bring with it a hundred associations connected with them.
+
+I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the
+doings of the Brady's Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his
+eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had
+separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother
+came to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with
+their odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick,
+though he had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt
+property, and Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and
+owls, and the old gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone
+to live at Bray, to sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who
+had a chapel there; and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs.
+Barry's son had gone to foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian
+service, and had been shot there as a deserter.
+
+I don't care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord's
+stable after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my
+old home. My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and
+mortar over the door, and was called 'The Esculapian Repository,' by
+Doctor Macshane; a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old
+parlour; the little window of my room, once so neat and bright, was
+cracked in many places, and stuffed with rags here and there; the
+flowers had disappeared from the trim garden-beds which my good
+orderly mother tended. In the churchyard there were two more names
+put into the stone over the family vault of the Bradys: they were
+those of my cousin, for whom my regard was small, and my uncle, whom
+I had always loved. I asked my old companion the blacksmith, who had
+beaten me so often in old days, to give my horse a feed and a
+litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, with a dozen dirty
+ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no recollection
+of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not seek to recall
+my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten guineas into
+his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond.
+
+As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the
+old trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out
+here and there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the
+moonlight over the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at
+pasture there. The garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled
+wilderness. I sat down on the old bench, where I had sat on the day
+when Nora jilted me; and I do believe my feelings were as strong
+then as they had been when I was a boy, eleven years before; and I
+caught myself almost crying again, to think that Nora Brady had
+deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. I've seen a flower, or
+heard some trivial word or two, which have awakened recollections
+that somehow had lain dormant for scores of years; and when I
+entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born (it was used
+as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a sudden
+the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: I
+recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a
+gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered
+sack, with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything
+we have seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in
+this way? I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at
+Castle Brady, and thought of the bygone times.
+
+The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was
+flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers
+upon the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in
+the blue of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you
+could see the old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it
+still. There had been jolly horses in those stables once; and I
+could see my uncle's honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs
+as they came jumping and whining and barking round about him of a
+gay winter morning. We used to mount there; and the girls looked out
+at us from the hall-window, where I stood and looked at the sad,
+mouldy, lonely old place. There was a red light shining through the
+crevices of a door at one corner of the building, and a dog
+presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man followed with a
+fowling-piece.
+
+'Who's there?' said the old man.
+
+'PHIL PURCELL, don't you know me?' shouted I; 'it's Redmond Barry.'
+
+I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for
+he pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand,
+and came down and embraced him.... Psha! I don't care to tell the
+rest: Phil and I had a long night, and talked over a thousand
+foolish old things that have no interest for any soul alive now: for
+what soul is there alive that cares for Barry Lyndon?
+
+I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and
+made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in
+comfort.
+
+Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty
+cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was
+called my 'valet' in the days of yore, and whom the reader may
+remember as clad in my father's old liveries. They used to hang
+about him in those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his
+heels; but Tim, though he protested he had nigh killed himself with
+grief when I went away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my
+absence, and would have fitted almost into Daniel Lambert's coat, or
+that of the vicar of Castle Brady, whom he served in the capacity of
+clerk. I would have engaged the fellow in my service but for his
+monstrous size, which rendered him quite unfit to be the attendant
+of any gentleman of condition; and so I presented him with a
+handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather to his next
+child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in the
+world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously as
+in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls' waiting-maid,
+who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to
+go salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a
+mud hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those
+of my friend the blacksmith.
+
+From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the
+very last news respecting my family. My mother was well.
+
+''Faith sir,' says Tim, 'and you're come in time, mayhap, for
+preventing an addition to your family.'
+
+'Sir!' exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation.
+
+'In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,' says Tim: 'the
+misthress is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.'
+
+Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race
+of Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good,
+both my informants feared, and having managed to run through the
+small available remains of property which my good old uncle had left
+behind him.
+
+I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to
+conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh,
+the taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did
+not part except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the
+sun had been some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that
+has always been one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as
+many men of high lineage like my own have, and, in default of better
+company, will hob and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just
+as readily as with the first noble in the land.
+
+I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for
+visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks
+were still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a
+blister was lying on the window-sill, where my mother's 'Whole Duty
+of Man' had its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out
+who I was (my countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more
+besides), and sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia,
+and whether my friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the
+Empress Maria Theresa had been. The bell-ringers would have had a
+ring of bells for me, but there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to
+pull; and I rode off before the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had
+succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had the living in my time), had time
+to come out to compliment me; but the rapscallions of the beggarly
+village had assembled in a dirty army to welcome me, and cheered
+'Hurrah for Masther Redmond!' as I rode away.
+
+My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I
+returned to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said,
+that the highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and
+station had been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared
+his praises of his master, and had invented some magnificent
+histories concerning me. He said it was the truth that I was
+intimate with half the sovereigns of Europe, and the prime favourite
+with most of them. Indeed I had made my uncle's order of the Spur
+hereditary, and travelled under the name of the Chevalier Barry,
+chamberlain to the Duke of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen.
+
+They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my
+road to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on
+pretty well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and
+the pistols with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night
+at Kilcullen, and the next day I made my entry into the city of
+Dublin, with four horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my
+purse, and one of the most brilliant reputations in Europe, having
+quitted the city a beggarly boy, eleven years before.
+
+The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for
+knowing their neighbours' concerns as the country people have; and
+it is impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be
+(and such mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the
+capital without having his name printed in every newspaper and
+mentioned in a number of societies. My name and titles were all over
+the town the day after my arrival. A great number of polite persons
+did me the honour to call at my lodgings, when I selected them; and
+this was a point very necessarily of immediate care, for the hotels
+in the town were but vulgar holes, unfit for a nobleman of my
+fashion and elegance. I had been informed of the fact by travellers
+on the Continent; and determining to fix on a lodging at once, I
+bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets with my chariot,
+until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This proceeding,
+and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, who was
+instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until
+convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob
+round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have
+supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the
+multitude following us.
+
+I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel
+Street, paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid
+gratuity, and establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and
+Fritz, desired the landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my
+liveries, a couple of stout reputable chairmen and their machine,
+and a coachman who had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot,
+and serviceable riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in
+advance; and I promise you the effect of my advertisement was such,
+that next day I had a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms,
+valets, and maitres-d'hotel offered themselves without number; I had
+proposals for the purchase of horses sufficient to mount a regiment,
+both from dealers and gentlemen of the first fashion. Sir Lawler
+Gawler came to propose to me the most elegant bay-mare ever stepped;
+my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that wouldn't disgrace my
+friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget sent his
+gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step up to
+his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him
+previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I
+determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget,
+but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best
+way. Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted
+his horse, and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you
+had was the offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the
+bullet game too much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I
+may say, proudly for myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I
+had a real, available, and prudent reason for it.
+
+There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made
+me wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours
+across the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made
+myself in a single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a
+man ten years and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won
+five hundred thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the
+Empress Catherine of Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of
+Prussia; it was I won the battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of
+Madame Du Barry, the French King's favourite, and a thousand things
+beside. Indeed, to tell the truth, I hinted a number of these
+stories to my kind friends Ballyragget and Gawler; and they were not
+slow to improve the hints I gave them.
+
+After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the
+sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me
+with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost,
+without the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked
+more ragged than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes
+along the banks of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn
+in the town fit for a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those
+luckless fellows who could not keep a carriage, and walked the
+streets at night, ran imminent risks of the knives of the women and
+ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set of ragged savage villains,
+who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; and as a gentleman
+entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to his evening rout,
+or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light up such a set
+of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a genteel person
+of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong ones; besides,
+had seen my amiable countrymen before.
+
+I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish
+patriots, who don't like to have the nakedness of our land abused,
+and are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it
+was a poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I
+speak; and many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There
+were, it is true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period;
+and a House of Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a
+roystering noisy University, whereof the students made no small
+disturbances nightly, patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious
+printers and tradesmen, and gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre.
+But I had seen too much of the first society of Europe to be much
+tempted by the society of these noisy gentry, and was a little too
+much of a gentleman to mingle with the disputes and politics of my
+Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of Commons there were some
+dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard in the English
+Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of Galway.
+Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and
+ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr.
+Edmund Burke's interminable speeches in the English House I used
+always to go to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties
+that Mr. Burke was a person of considerable abilities, and even
+reputed to be eloquent in his more favourable moments.
+
+I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the
+wretched place affords, and which were within a gentleman's reach:
+Ranelagh and the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord
+Lieutenant's parties, where there was a great deal too much boozing,
+and too little play, to suit a person of my elegant and refined
+habits. 'Daly's Coffee-house,' and the houses of the nobility, were
+soon open to me; and I remarked with astonishment in the higher
+circles, what I had experienced in the lower on my first unhappy
+visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of money, and a preposterous
+deal of promissory notes flying about, for which I was quite
+unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were mad for play;
+but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when the old
+Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she gave
+me, instead of the money, her Ladyship's note of hand on her agent
+in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the
+candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play,
+I said that as soon as her Ladyship's remittances were arrived, I
+would be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very
+humble servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular
+character throughout the Dublin society: giving out at 'Daly's' that
+I was ready to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence
+with him, or to ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or
+to shoot flying, or at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment,
+especially if the mark be a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day
+had no ordinary skill.
+
+Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon
+with a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars
+of the Countess of Lyndon's state of health and mind; and a touching
+and eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember
+ancient days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which
+I had purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that
+Sylvander remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista.
+The answer I received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and
+inexplicit; that from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all
+pleasant in its contents. My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of
+Tiptoff's younger son, was paying very marked addresses to the
+widow; being a kinsman of the family, and having been called to
+Ireland relative to the will of the deceased Sir Charles Lyndon.
+
+Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those
+days, which was of great convenience to persons desirous of
+expeditious justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain
+a hundred proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball,
+Lieutenant Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending
+warning letters to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were
+unattended to. The celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern
+counties, and his business seemed to be to procure wives for
+gentlemen who had not sufficient means to please the parents of the
+young ladies; or, perhaps, had not time for a long and intricate
+courtship.
+
+I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very
+poor; hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of
+queer corners, from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or
+to his card-party at his tavern; but he was always the courageous
+fellow: and I hinted to him the state of my affections regarding
+Lady Lyndon.
+
+'The Countess of Lyndon!' said poor Ulick; 'well, that IS a wonder.
+I myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the
+Kiljoys of Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune,
+and to whom her Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow
+without a coat to his back to get on with an heiress in such company
+as that? I might as well propose for the Countess myself.'
+
+'You had better not,' said I, laughing; 'the man who tries runs a
+chance of going out of the world first.' And I explained to him my
+own intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for
+me was prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and
+heard how wonderful my adventures and great my experience of
+fashionable life had been, was lost in admiration of my daring and
+energy, when I confided to him my intention of marrying the greatest
+heiress in England.
+
+I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a
+letter into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a
+feigned hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George
+Poynings to quit the country; saying that the great prize was never
+meant for the likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in
+England, without coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain
+Fireball. The letter was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the
+worst of spelling: it came to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and,
+being a high-spirited young man, he of course laughed at it.
+
+As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very
+short time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond
+Barry, at the Lord Lieutenant's table; adjourned with him and
+several other gentlemen to the club at 'Daly's,' and there, in a
+dispute about the pedigree of a horse, in which everybody said I was
+in the right, words arose, and a meeting was the consequence. I had
+had no affair in Dublin since my arrival, and people were anxious to
+see whether I was equal to my reputation. I make no boast about
+these matters, but always do them when the time comes; and poor Lord
+George, who had a neat hand and a quick eye enough, but was bred in
+the clumsy English school, only stood before my point until I had
+determined where I should hit him.
+
+My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he
+fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, 'Mr.
+Barry, I was wrong!' I felt not very well at ease when the poor
+fellow made this confession: for the dispute had been of my making,
+and, to tell the truth, I had never intended it should end in any
+other way than a meeting.
+
+He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound;
+and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the
+duel, carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, 'This is
+NUMBER ONE!'
+
+'You, Ulick,' said I, 'shall be NUMBER TWO.'
+
+''Faith,' said my cousin, 'one's enough:' But I had my plan
+regarding him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow,
+and to forward my own designs upon the widow.
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON
+
+As my uncle's attainder was not reversed for being out with the
+Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to
+accompany his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not
+hanging, at least a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful
+pardon, would have awaited the good old gentleman. In any important
+crisis of my life, his advice was always of advantage to me, and I
+did not fail to seek it at this juncture, and to implore his counsel
+as regarded my pursuit of the widow. I told him the situation of her
+heart, as I have described it in the last chapter; of the progress
+that young Poynings had made in her affections, and of her
+forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a letter, in reply, full
+of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail to profit. The
+kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for the present
+boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had thoughts
+of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the world,
+devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile he
+wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person
+of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many
+adorers about her; and that, as in her husband's lifetime she had
+shown herself not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must
+make no manner of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so
+favoured; nor was I likely to be the last.
+
+'I would, my dear child,' he added, 'that the ugly attainder round
+my neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world
+of sin and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming
+personally to your aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for,
+to lead them to a good end, it requires not only the indomitable
+courage, swagger, and audacity, which you possess beyond any young
+man I have ever known' (as for the 'swagger,' as the Chevalier calls
+it, I deny it in toto, being always most modest in my demeanour);
+'but though you have the vigour to execute, you have not the
+ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the following out of a
+scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of execution. Would
+you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the Countess Ida,
+which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, but for the
+advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his accounts
+with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all?
+
+'Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning
+her is quite en l'air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day,
+as I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But
+your general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you
+used to have from her during the period of the correspondence which
+the silly woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment
+passed between you; and especially was written by her Ladyship
+herself: she is a blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to
+make her griefs with her husband the continual theme of her
+correspondence (as women will do). I recollect several passages in
+her letters bitterly deploring her fate in being united to one so
+unworthy of her.
+
+'Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be
+enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and
+threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a
+lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent,
+remonstrate, alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs
+of her former regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge,
+if she prove unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring
+feat, which will let her see your indomitable resolution: you are
+the man to do it. Your sword has a reputation in Europe, and you
+have a character for boldness; which was the first thing that caused
+my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes upon you. Make the people talk about
+you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and as brave, and as odd as possible.
+How I wish I were near you! You have no imagination to invent such a
+character as I would make for you--but why speak; have I not had
+enough of the world and its vanities?'
+
+There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote,
+unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications
+and devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as
+usual, with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But
+he was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour
+and principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one,
+in this respect, will be as acceptable as the other.
+
+Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask
+on my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be
+permitted to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was
+silent, I demanded, Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she
+had favoured with her intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista
+forgotten Eugenio? At the same time I sent down by my servant with
+this letter a present of a little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a
+private note to his governor; whose note of hand, by the way, I
+possessed for a sum--I forget what--but such as the poor fellow
+would have been very unwilling to pay. To this an answer came from
+her Ladyship's amanuensis, stating that Lady Lyndon was too much
+disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity to see any one
+but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the boy's
+governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young kinsman
+who was about to console her.
+
+This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I
+took care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin.
+
+When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon,
+my informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the
+journal, and said, 'The horrible monster! He would not shrink from
+murder, I believe;' and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword--
+the sword I had given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with
+it the man who had hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that
+I was the donor of the weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he
+would kill me all the same! Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him,
+that boy always seemed to detest me.
+
+Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of
+Lord George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be
+induced to come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger,
+I managed to have her informed that he was in a precarious state;
+that he grew worse; that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of
+this flight I caused the Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but
+indeed it did not carry me beyond the town of Bray, where my poor
+mother dwelt; and where, under the difficulties of a duel, I might
+be sure of having a welcome.
+
+Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their
+mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with
+that kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so
+considerable, and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature
+could not but feel the most enduring and sincere regard.
+
+But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now
+stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his
+private affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a
+messenger to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my
+sentiments of respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her
+personally so soon as my business in Dublin would leave me free.
+
+This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy,
+my establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to
+make; and, having announced my intention to purchase horses and live
+in a genteel style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of
+the nobility and gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners
+and suppers, that it became exceedingly difficult for me during some
+days to manage my anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry.
+
+It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as
+she heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of
+Bray to be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord
+Ballyragget on the day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to
+break the promise that I had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble
+festival.
+
+I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a
+handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at
+the best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from
+Paris expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with
+the presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn
+half way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be
+aware that something had offended the good lady; who came out, he
+said, and abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but
+that she was restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded,
+with justice, was her clerical friend Mr. Jowls.
+
+This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an
+interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days
+further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there
+was no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the
+capital I had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my
+youth.
+
+I don't care to own that she is the only human being whom I am
+afraid to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and
+the reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and
+painful: and so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick
+Brady, to her; who rode back, saying that he had met with a
+reception he would not again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had
+been dismissed the house, with strict injunctions to inform me that
+my mother disowned me for ever. This parental anathema, as it were,
+affected me much, for I was always the most dutiful of sons; and I
+determined to go as soon as possible, and brave what I knew must be
+an inevitable scene of reproach and anger, for the sake, as I hoped,
+of as certain a reconciliation.
+
+I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the
+genteelest company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess
+downstairs with a pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey
+coat seated at my doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I
+tendered a piece of money, and whom my noble friends, who were
+rather hot with wine, began to joke, as my door closed and I bade
+them all good-night.
+
+I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the
+hooded woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her
+vow that she would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal
+yearnings had made her long to see her son's face once again, and
+who had thus planted herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have
+found in my experience that these are the only women who never
+deceive a man, and whose affection remains constant through all
+trials. Think of the hours that the kind soul must have passed,
+lonely in the street, listening to the din and merriment within my
+apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the laughing, the choruses,
+and the cheering.
+
+When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to
+me, for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now,
+thought I, is the time to make my peace with my good mother: she
+will never refuse me an asylum now that I seem in distress. So
+sending to her a notice that I was coming, that I had had a duel
+which had brought me into trouble, and required I should go into
+hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour afterwards: and, I
+warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, for presently,
+being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted maid who
+waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor mother
+flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports of joy
+which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be
+comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child
+after a twelve years' absence from him.
+
+The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother's director, was the only person to
+whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he
+would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch,
+which he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother's charge,
+groaned aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the
+sinfulness of my past courses, and especially of the last horrible
+action I had been committing.
+
+'Sinful!' said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked;
+'sure we're all sinners; and it's you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me
+the inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would
+you have had the poor child behave?'
+
+'I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel,
+and this wicked duel altogether,' answered the clergyman.
+
+But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be
+very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither
+became a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with
+the thought that I had pinked an English marquis's son in a duel;
+and so, to console her, I told her of a score more in which I had
+been engaged, and of some of which I have already informed the
+reader.
+
+As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that
+report of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that
+my hiding should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact
+as well as I did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky,
+her barefooted serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give
+alarm, lest the officers should be in search of me.
+
+The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to
+bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon's arrival; and I
+own, after two days' close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated
+all the adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making
+her accept the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable
+addition to her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad
+when I saw that reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride
+up to the door in my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my
+mother, that the young lord was out of danger; and for me, that the
+Countess of Lyndon had arrived in Dublin.
+
+'And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a
+little longer,' said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, 'and
+you'd have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.' But I
+dried her tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her
+often; and hinted I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a
+noble daughter to welcome her.
+
+'Who is she, Redmond dear?' said the old lady.
+
+'One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,'
+answered I. 'No mere Brady this time,' I added, laughing: with which
+hopes I left Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers.
+
+No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried
+my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I
+was a week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that
+capital. I had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time;
+made a point of calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an
+intimate consoler of his bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did
+not neglect to be civil, and towards whom I ordered my people to be
+particular in their attentions; for I was naturally anxious to learn
+what my Lord George's position with the lady of Castle Lyndon had
+really been, whether other suitors were about the widow, and how she
+would bear the news of his wound.
+
+The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects
+I was most desirous to inquire into.
+
+'Chevalier,' said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my
+compliments, 'I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman,
+the Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a
+letter here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day
+when there was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid
+equipage you were exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and
+protested she never had heard of you.
+
+'"Oh yes, mamma," said the little Bullingdon, "the tall dark man at
+Spa with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and
+sent me the sword: his name is Mr. Barry."
+
+'But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in
+knowing nothing about you.'
+
+'And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?'
+said I, in a tone of grave surprise.
+
+'Yes, indeed,' answered the young gentleman. 'I left her house but
+to get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time
+too.'
+
+'Why more unlucky now than at another moment?'
+
+'Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to
+me. I think I might have induced her to make our connection a little
+closer: and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest
+party now in England.'
+
+'My Lord George,' said I, 'will you let me ask you a frank but an
+odd question?--will you show me her letters?'
+
+'Indeed I'll do no such thing,' replied he, in a rage.
+
+'Nay, don't be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon's to
+me, will you let me see hers to you?'
+
+'What, in Heaven's name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?' said the young
+gentleman.
+
+'_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am a
+--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her
+to distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill
+the man who possesses her before me.'
+
+'YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?'
+said Lord George haughtily.
+
+'There's no nobler blood in Europe than mine,' answered I: 'and I
+tell you I don't know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that
+there were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not
+disdain to look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries
+her passes over my dead body to do it. It's lucky for you,' I added
+gloomily, 'that on the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not
+know what were your views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you
+are a lad of courage and I love you. Mine is the first sword in
+Europe, and you would have been lying in a narrower bed than that
+you now occupy.'
+
+'Boy!' said Lord George: 'I am not four years younger than you are.'
+
+'You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed
+through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have
+made my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a
+private soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and
+never was touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French
+maitre-d'armes, Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a
+beggar, and am now at seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand
+guineas. Do you suppose a man of my courage and energy can't attain
+anything that he dares, and that having claims upon the widow, I
+will not press them?'
+
+This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied
+my pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw
+that it made the impression I desired to effect upon the young
+gentleman's mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar
+seriousness, and whom I presently left to digest it.
+
+A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I
+brought with me some of the letters that had passed between me and
+my Lady Lyndon. 'Here,' said I, 'look--I show it you in confidence--
+it is a lock of her Ladyship's hair; here are her letters signed
+Calista, and addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, "When Sol bedecks
+the mead with light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray," addressed by
+her Ladyship to your humble servant.'
+
+'Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?' cried the young
+lord. 'Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the
+very poem herself! "Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in
+the evening grey."'
+
+I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in
+fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found,
+upon comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in
+the one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is
+to be a blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing!
+
+The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. 'Well,
+thank Heaven!' said he, after a pause of some duration,--'thank
+Heaven for a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have
+married had these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady
+Lyndon had a heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one;
+and that, at least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would
+as lief send my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up
+with such an Ephesian matron as that.'
+
+'My Lord George,' said I, 'you little know the world. Remember what
+a bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don't be astonished that she, on
+her side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager,
+ever passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned
+beyond the composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.'
+
+'My wife,' said the little lord, 'shall write no sonnets or billets-
+doux; and I'm heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good time,
+a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for a
+moment in love.'
+
+The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young
+and green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would
+give up forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected
+with it had written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is
+too absurd--or, as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an
+excuse to quit the field altogether, being by no means anxious to
+meet the victorious sword of Redmond Barry a second time.
+
+When the idea of Poynings' danger, or the reproaches probably
+addressed by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this
+exceedingly weak and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and
+my worthy Ulick had informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good
+mother, who was quite reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done
+that), and found the disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying
+visits to the wounded swain; much to the annoyance, the servants
+told me, of that gentleman. The English are often absurdly high and
+haughty upon a point of punctilio; and, after his kinswoman's
+conduct, Lord Poynings swore he would have no more to do with her.
+
+I had this information from his Lordship's gentleman; with whom, as
+I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied
+admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before.
+
+Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she
+had found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had
+watched her from her own house to Lord George Poynings' lodgings,
+and seen her descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself
+followed her. I proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to
+make a scene there, and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary;
+but matters were, as it happened, arranged much more conveniently
+for me; and walking, unannounced, into the outer room of his
+Lordship's apartments, I had the felicity of hearing in the next
+chamber, of which the door was partially open, the voice of my
+Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the poor patient, as he
+lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most passionate manner.
+'What can lead you, George,' she said, 'to doubt of my faith? How
+can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous manner?
+Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, I
+shall join there the dear departed angel.'
+
+'Who entered it three months since,' said Lord George, with a sneer.
+'It's a wonder you have survived so long.'
+
+'Don't treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!'
+cried the widow.
+
+'Bah!' said Lord George, 'my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much
+talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can't you console
+yourself with somebody else?'
+
+'Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!'
+
+'Console yourself with Eugenio,' said the young nobleman bitterly,
+and began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner
+room, came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs.
+
+Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was
+dressed in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not
+recognise the person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went
+down the stairs, I stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman
+opened her door, sprang forward, and took her hand to place her in
+the vehicle. 'Dearest widow,' said I, 'his Lordship spoke correctly.
+Console yourself with Eugenio!' She was too frightened even to
+scream, as her chairman carried her away. She was set down at her
+house, and you may be sure that I was at the chair-door, as before,
+to help her out.
+
+'Monstrous man!' said she, 'I desire you to leave me.'
+
+'Madam, it would be against my oath,' replied I; 'recollect the vow
+Eugenio sent to Calista.'
+
+'If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you
+from the door.'
+
+'What! when I am come with my Calista's letters in my pocket, to
+return them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten
+Redmond Barry.'
+
+'What is it you would have of me, sir?' said the widow, rather
+agitated.
+
+'Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,' I replied; and she
+condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from
+her chair to her drawing-room.
+
+When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her.
+
+'Dearest madam,' said I, 'do not let your cruelty drive a desperate
+slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me
+to whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me
+from your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to
+me. My flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the
+punishment I have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I
+may be compelled to administer to that unfortunate young man: so
+sure as he marries you, madam, he dies.'
+
+'I do not recognise,' said the widow, 'the least right you have to
+give the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least
+understand your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me
+and an Irish adventurer that should authorise this impertinent
+intrusion?'
+
+'THESE have passed, madam,' said I,--'Calista's letters to Eugenio.
+They may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You
+may have only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless
+Irish gentleman who adored and confided in you. But who will believe
+the stories of your innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of
+your own handwriting? Who will believe that you could write these
+letters in the mere wantonness of coquetry, and not under the
+influence of affection?'
+
+'Villain!' cried my Lady Lyndon, 'could you dare to construe out of
+those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they
+really bear?'
+
+'I will construe anything out of them,' said I; 'such is the passion
+which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall
+be mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and
+fail? Which will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman
+never knew from man before, or a hatred to which there exists no
+parallel?'
+
+'A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an
+adventurer like yourself,' replied the lady, drawing up stately.
+
+'Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of
+that young man's wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your
+savage cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder--
+yes, of his murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm
+the husband who punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria
+Lyndon, as my wife.'
+
+'Husband? wife, sir!' cried the widow, quite astonished.
+
+'Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom
+coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You
+would forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget
+Eugenio; but I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle
+with my heart, did you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for
+ever. I love you--love as passionately now as I did when my passion
+was hopeless; and, now that I can win you, do you think I will
+forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you little know the power of your
+own charms if you think their effect is so easily obliterated--you
+little know the constancy of this pure and noble heart if you think
+that, having once loved, it can ever cease to adore you. No! I swear
+by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your wonderful beauty
+that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, fascinating,
+fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your wealth may
+be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it
+worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You
+threw yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give
+yourself now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your
+rank may be, will enhance it and become it!'
+
+As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I
+stood over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw
+her turn red and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of
+her charms and the exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to
+her, and witnessed with triumphant composure the mastery I was
+gaining over her. Terror, be sure of that, is not a bad ingredient
+of love. A man who wills fiercely to win the heart of a weak and
+vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have opportunity enough.
+
+'Terrible man!' said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had
+done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of
+another speech to make to her)--'terrible man! leave me.'
+
+I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words.
+'If she lets me into the house to-morrow,' said I, 'she is mine.'
+
+As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-
+porter, who looked quite astonished at such a gift.
+
+'It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,' said
+I; 'you will have to do so often.'
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY
+
+The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was
+refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I
+had watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a
+house opposite.
+
+'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, of
+course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?'
+'That I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority.
+'Your honour could tell that by my HACCENT.'
+
+I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish
+family servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him,
+would probably fling the money in your face.
+
+'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through your
+hands, don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read.
+There is a whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you
+go to drink, and call for me by the name of Dermot.'
+
+'I recollect your honour at SPAR,' says the fellow, grinning:
+'seven's the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of this
+reminiscence, I bade my inferior adieu.
+
+I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life,
+except in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow
+the examples of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for
+the sake of a great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My
+Lady Lyndon's letters were none the worse for being opened, and a
+great deal the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of
+some of her multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate
+with her character in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by
+which I was not slow to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my
+English friend, whom I always regaled with the best of liquor, and
+satisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I used to put
+on a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it was
+impossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I got
+such an insight into the widow's movements as astonished her. I knew
+beforehand to what public places she would go; they were, on account
+of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church or
+in the park, I was always ready to offer her her book, or to canter
+on horseback by the side of her chariot.
+
+Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontades
+that ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and
+threw off a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew.
+To some of these female darlings she began presently to write about
+my unworthy self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme
+satisfaction I found at length that the widow was growing dreadfully
+afraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her dark spirit, her
+murderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative of her
+extreme disquietude and terror. It was: 'The wretch has been dogging
+my chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate pursued me at church,'
+and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at the
+mercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment of
+awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a person from
+whom escape was impossible.
+
+To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with
+a number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in
+those days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her
+waiting-women, did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to
+describe as her future husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry,
+Esquire. This incident disturbed her very much. She wrote about it
+in terms of great wonder and terror to her female correspondents.
+'Can this monster,' she wrote, 'indeed do as he boasts, and bend
+even Fate to his will?--can he make me marry him though I cordially
+detest him, and bring me a slave to his feet. The horrid look of his
+black serpent-like eyes fascinates and frightens me: it seems to
+follow me everywhere, and even when I close my own eyes, the
+dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.'
+
+When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who
+does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and
+put myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my
+glance,' as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her
+former admirer, was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and
+seemed determined to give up all claims to her favour; for he denied
+her admittance when she called, sent no answer to her multiplied
+correspondence, and contented himself by saying generally, that the
+surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors or to answer letters.
+Thus, while he went into the background, I came forward, and took
+good care that no other rivals should present themselves with any
+chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a quarrel
+fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my first
+victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling
+with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no
+scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might arise in
+consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of these
+duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two
+together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch
+for the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first
+before they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first
+three, not many champions were found to address the lady; and have
+often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux
+riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-
+mare and green liveries made their appearance.
+
+I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my
+power, and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon
+my honest cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his
+affections, Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and
+friend, Lady Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young
+lady's brothers, who passed the season at Dublin, and made as much
+swagger and to-do about their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had
+had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no means averse to Mr.
+Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men are, and how a
+superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which to common
+minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off
+with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward
+in Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it
+would have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the
+scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry
+whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as
+much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had not
+been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view
+for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of
+Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these
+rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy
+heiress as their sister.
+
+Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of
+Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at
+Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son
+the little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come
+to the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy,
+the heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to
+take the first opportunity of putting my plan in execution.
+
+For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a
+former chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at
+this period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the
+name of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head,
+killed proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took
+the law into their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them
+for what I know, was commanded by a mysterious personage called
+Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be that of marrying people
+with or without their own consent, or that of their parents. The
+Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year 1772) teem
+with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards for
+the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and
+describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of
+Hymen. I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate
+of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in
+possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She was no great
+beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather than the
+owner of it.
+
+On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent
+the balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in
+the custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause
+for retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she
+might be invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of
+handsome suits of velvet, and by my influence procured him an
+invitation to many of the most elegant of these assemblies. But he
+had not had my advantages or experience of the manners of Court; was
+as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance a minuet
+than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in his
+mistress's heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several
+other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room
+than poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress,
+and felt his first flame for her, in her father's house of
+Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk with the old
+gentleman.
+
+'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving
+a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it,
+there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.'
+
+'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or
+my name is not Redmond Barry.'
+
+My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished
+noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a
+gentleman who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of
+knowing him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino,
+some few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this
+entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy
+for life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little
+Lord Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was
+agreed that he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my
+old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in
+which the party were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my
+measures accordingly.
+
+Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not
+sufficient to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place,
+and I had it given out three days previous that he had been arrested
+for debt: a rumour which surprised nobody who knew him.
+
+I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar,
+that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a
+grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a
+jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly
+predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent,
+and whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous
+history. Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little
+Bullingdon as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in
+powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he
+looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about with my sword by
+his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely in a
+domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate
+enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy
+a company of grenadiers.
+
+The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent.
+Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who
+walked a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish
+heiress may be called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead
+my passion for Lady Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg
+her friend's interference in my favour.
+
+It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House
+went away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of
+Lady Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in
+talk, and unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be
+alarmed to see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common
+sight in those jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a
+milksop unless he was occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her
+carriage, with several other gentlemen: and, peering through the
+crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, beggars, drunken men and women,
+who used invariably to wait round great men's doors when festivities
+were going on, saw the carriage drive off, with a hurrah from the
+mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, where I talked
+German, favoured the three or four topers still there with a High-
+Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great
+resolution.
+
+'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman.
+
+'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again
+to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper
+in silence.
+
+There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off,
+with whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I
+called upon him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader
+will be surprised at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it
+was not I who went back to the party, but my late German valet, who
+was of my size, and, dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for
+me. We changed clothes in a hackney-coach that stood near Lady
+Lyndon's chariot, and driving after it, speedily overtook it.
+
+The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's
+affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep
+rut in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman,
+springing off the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him
+that a wheel was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with
+only three. Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they
+have since been by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the
+linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it
+possibly may have been extracted by some rogues among the crowd
+before Lord Charlemont's gate.
+
+Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies
+do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and
+little Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said,
+'Don't be afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The
+young rascal had the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must
+acknowledge, in spite of all my after quarrels with him.
+
+The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by
+this time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped
+down from his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to
+enter his vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of
+tiptop quality might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or
+two, accepted by the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman
+promising to drive them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet,
+proposed to accompany his young master and the young lady; and the
+coachman, who had a friend seemingly drunk by his side on the box,
+with a grin told Thady to get up behind. However, as the footboard
+there was covered with spikes, as a defence against the street-boys,
+who love a ride gratis, Thady's fidelity would not induce him to
+brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the wounded chariot,
+for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin out of a
+neighbouring hedge.
+
+Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the
+party within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin;
+and what was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the
+window at length, to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of
+buildings or city. She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman
+to stop; but the man only whipped the horses the faster for her
+noise, and bade her Ladyship 'hould on--'twas a short cut he was
+taking.'
+
+Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses
+galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to
+whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon
+opening the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and
+heels as he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little
+sword, and, running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way,
+gentlemen! stop the rascal!'
+
+'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with
+extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the
+carriage, having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was
+going on.
+
+The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a
+consultation, in which they looked at the young lord and laughed
+considerably.
+
+'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of
+my people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous
+rascal, and, with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will
+get in and see you home. We are well armed, and can defend you in
+case of danger.'
+
+With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his
+companion following him.
+
+'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly:
+'and give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself
+before the huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the
+hackney-coach.
+
+'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and
+shoving him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew
+out his little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded
+him (for a small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his
+opponent, who was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily
+out of the lad's hands: it went flying over his head, and left him
+aghast and mortified at his discomfiture.
+
+He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and
+entered the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his
+confederate, who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have
+screamed; but I presume her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an
+enormous horse-pistol which one of her champions produced, who said,
+'No harm is intended you, ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag
+you;' on which she suddenly became as mute as a fish.
+
+All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time;
+and when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage,
+the poor little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on
+the heath, one of them putting his head out of the window, said,--
+
+'My Lord, a word with you.'
+
+'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven
+years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto.
+
+'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a
+big stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you
+get to the high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And
+when you see her Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S
+compliments, and say Miss Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.'
+
+'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady.
+
+The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left
+alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was
+fairly frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the
+coach; but his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat
+down upon a stone and cried for vexation.
+
+It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine
+marriage. When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where
+the ceremony was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first
+declined to perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that
+unfortunate preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that
+his miserable brains would be blown out; when he consented to read
+the service. The lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar
+inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; for I drove
+back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the bridal
+party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German,
+arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress,
+having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there
+according to my orders.
+
+Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping
+silence as to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with
+a dismal story of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and
+bound, of having been left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow
+cart, which was coming in with provisions to Dublin, and found him
+helpless on the road. There was no possible means of fixing any
+share of the conspiracy upon him. Little Bullingdon, who, too, found
+his way home, was unable in any way to identify me. But Lady Lyndon
+knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I met her hurrying the
+next day to the Castle; all the town being up about the enlevement.
+And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew she was
+aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious scheme.
+
+Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early
+days; and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a
+deserving branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where
+he lived with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was
+blown over; the Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his
+retreat. They did not for a while even know who was the lucky man
+who had carried off the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter
+some weeks afterwards, signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect
+happiness in her new condition, and stating that she had been
+married by Lady Lyndon's chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was
+known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the transaction.
+As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his post in
+consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady Lyndon
+was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship's passionate
+attachment for me gained more and more credit.
+
+I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours.
+Every one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one
+could prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed
+Countess; though no one could show that I said so. But there is a
+way of proving a thing even while you contradict it, and I used to
+laugh and joke so apropos that all men began to wish me joy of my
+great fortune, and look up to me as the affianced husband of the
+greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took up the matter; the
+female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!'
+Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days were
+very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a
+beautiful and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest
+possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a
+young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who had distinguished
+himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of Pr----. I won't 
+say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how two pictures, one
+representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian Irishman,' and
+the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' actually
+appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, and
+containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day.
+
+Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold
+upon her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did;
+and who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your
+humble servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the
+Dublin Mercury, which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced
+mine THE DAY BEFORE. There was not a soul but thought she had
+followed me to England; whereas she was only flying me. Vain hope!--
+a man of my resolution was not thus to be balked in pursuit. Had she
+fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: ay, and would have
+followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice!
+
+Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid
+than that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would
+come thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took
+handsome apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same
+intelligence in her London house which I had procured in Dublin. The
+same faithful porter was there to give me all the information I
+required. I promised to treble his wages as soon as a certain event
+should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a
+hundred guineas down, and a promise of two thousand when I should be
+married, and gained the favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a
+bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far preceded me in
+London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were eager to
+receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age what
+a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play
+there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were
+lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how brilliant,
+gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes
+of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed
+close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant
+time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and could
+live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,'
+'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry,
+spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry.
+
+The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not
+concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and
+the young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my
+intention to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or
+to narrate all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my
+triumphant manner of surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID
+overcome these difficulties. I am of opinion, with my friend the
+late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such impediments are nothing in the
+way of a man of spirit; and that he can convert indifference and
+aversion into love, if he have perseverance and cleverness
+sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, I had
+found means to be received into her house; I had her women
+perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating
+upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the
+fashionable world.
+
+Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit
+were the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the
+service that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my
+heartfelt thanks for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and
+to whom I fling my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with
+which they have subsequently pursued me.
+
+The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff,
+mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at
+Dublin. This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in
+London, waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse
+for her encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause
+more than six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a
+half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded
+her entire innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never
+encouraged him!' screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage
+the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a
+dependant of yours to one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins?
+When he set off for England, didn't you follow him like a mad woman
+the very next day? Didn't he take lodgings at your very door almost--
+and do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You
+might have married my son--my dear and noble George; but that he did
+not choose to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly
+upstart whom you caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I
+have to give your Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which
+you have contracted with this shameless adventurer; to make that
+connection legal which, real as it is now, is against both decency
+and religion; and to spare your family and your son the shame of
+your present line of life.'
+
+With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady
+Lyndon in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation
+from her Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from it
+in my favour.
+
+Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of
+Lyndon's natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even
+when Lady Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm
+received her with such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow
+came home and took to her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that
+Royalty itself became an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the
+plans of the poor Irish soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works
+with agents, great and small; and by means over which they have no
+control the destinies of men and women are accomplished.
+
+I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon's
+favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and,
+indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very
+instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the
+promised sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word
+with the woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant
+interest--as soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs.
+Bridget by the hand, and said, "Madam, you have shown such
+unexampled fidelity in my service that I am glad to reward you,
+according to my promise; but you have given proofs of such
+extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must decline
+keeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg you will leave
+it this very day:" which she did, and went over to the Tiptoff
+faction, and has abused me ever since.
+
+But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was
+the simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When
+Lady Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it--
+shameful treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not your
+Ladyship write this young gentleman word of the evil which he is
+causing you? Appeal to his feelings (which, I have heard say, are
+very good indeed--the whole town is ringing with accounts of his
+spirit and generosity), and beg him to desist from a pursuit which
+causes the best of ladies so much pain? Do, my Lady, write: I know
+your style is so elegant that I, for my part, have many a time burst
+into tears in reading your charming letters, and I have no doubt Mr.
+Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your feelings.' And,
+of course, the abigail swore to the fact.
+
+'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistress
+forthwith penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning
+manner:--'Why, sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ me
+in a web of intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it,
+seeing escape is hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art?
+They say you are generous to others--be so to me. I know your
+bravery but too well: exercise it on men who can meet your sword,
+not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. Remember the
+friendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, I
+implore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies which
+you have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you have
+a spark of honour left, the miseries which you have caused to the
+heart-broken
+
+'H. LYNDON.'
+
+What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in
+person? My excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon,
+and accordingly I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I
+repeated the scene at Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious
+my power was, humble as I was, and that my energy was still untired.
+'But,' I added, 'I am as great in good as I am in evil; as fond and
+faithful as a friend as I am terrible as an enemy. I will do
+everything,' I said, 'which you ask of me, except when you bid me
+not to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart has a
+pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battle
+against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone can
+end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at your
+command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?'
+
+She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn),
+that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that
+moment that she was mine.
+
+. . . .
+
+A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had
+the honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of
+Lyndon, widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B.
+The ceremony was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by the
+Reverend Samuel Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supper
+and ball was given at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next
+morning I had a duke, four earls, three generals, and a crowd of the
+most distinguished people in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a
+lampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa-
+Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had recommended it, was ready
+to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as for young Bullingdon,
+who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called upon by the
+Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and said,
+'HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's footmen
+Papa!'
+
+But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old
+woman, and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off a
+flaming account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good
+Chevalier; and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having,
+at thirty years of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself
+to one of the highest social positions that any man in England could
+occupy, I determined to enjoy myself as became a man of quality for
+the remainder of my life.
+
+After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London--
+for in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they
+seem to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most
+handsome, sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our
+estates in the West of England, where I had never as yet set foot.
+We left London in three chariots, each with four horses; and my
+uncle would have been pleased could he have seen painted on their
+panels the Irish crown and the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the
+Countess's coronet and the noble cognisance of the noble family of
+Lyndon.
+
+Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permission
+to add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward
+assumed the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in
+this autobiography.
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY
+
+All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient
+of our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow
+and sober state becoming people of the first quality in the realm.
+An outrider in my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging
+from town to town; and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster,
+and Exeter; and the fourth evening arrived in time for supper before
+the antique baronial mansion, of which the gate was in an odious
+Gothic taste that would have set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure.
+
+The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have
+known couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of
+their lives, peck each other's eyes out almost during the honeymoon.
+I did not escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady
+Lyndon chose to quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of
+tobacco (the habit of smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a
+soldier in Billow's, and could never give it over), and smoked it in
+the carriage; and also her Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at
+Ilminster and Andover, because in the evenings when we lay there I
+chose to invite the landlords of the 'Bell' and the 'Lion' to crack
+a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was a haughty woman, and I hate pride;
+and I promise you that in both instances I overcame this vice in
+her. On the third day of our journey I had her to light my pipematch
+with her own hands, and made her deliver it to me with tears in her
+eyes; and at the 'Swan Inn' at Exeter I had so completely subdued
+her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not wish the landlady
+as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To this I should
+have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a very good-
+looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, a
+kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the
+indulgence of my wife's request. I appeared with her at evening
+service, to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name
+down for twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the
+famous new organ which was then being built for the cathedral. This
+conduct, at the very outset of my career in the county, made me not
+a little popular; and the residentiary canon, who did me the favour
+to sup with me at the inn, went away after the sixth bottle,
+hiccuping the most solemn vows for the welfare of such a p-p-pious
+gentleman.
+
+Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles
+of the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the
+church bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in
+their best by the roadside, and the school children and the
+labouring people were loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I
+flung money among these worthy characters, stopped to bow and chat
+with his reverence and the farmers, and if I found that the
+Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in the kingdom is it my
+fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially would take in great
+dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by my admiration
+of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, than by any
+previous speech or act of mine in the journey. 'Ah, ah, my fine
+madam, you are jealous, are you?' thought I, and reflected, not
+without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her
+husband's lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves
+give most cause for jealousy.
+
+Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a
+band of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags
+had been raised, especially before the attorney's and the doctor's
+houses, who were both in the employ of the family. There were many
+hundreds of stout people at the great lodge, which, with the park-
+wall, bounds one side of Hackton Green, and from which, for three
+miles, goes (or rather went) an avenue of noble elms up to the
+towers of the old castle. I wished they had been oak when I cut the
+trees down in '79, for they would have fetched three times the
+money: I know nothing more culpable than the carelessness of
+ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small value, when
+they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said that
+the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles
+II.'s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds.
+
+For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably
+spent in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to
+pay their respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like
+Bluebeard's wife in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the
+furniture, and the numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old
+place, built as far back as Henry V.'s time, besieged and battered
+by the Cromwellians in the Revolution, and altered and patched up,
+in an odious old-fashioned taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who
+succeeded to the property at the death of a brother whose principles
+were excellent and of the true Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself
+chiefly by drinking, dicing, and a dissolute life, and a little by
+supporting the King. The castle stands in a fine chase, which was
+prettily speckled over with deer; and I can't but own that my
+pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak parlour of
+summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver plate
+shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen
+jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide
+green park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the
+lake, and hear the deer calling to one another.
+
+The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all
+sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen
+Bess's style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages
+of the Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large,
+having had the place new-faced at a vast expense, under a
+fashionable architect, and the facade laid out in the latest French-
+Greek and most classical style. There had been moats, and
+drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had shaved away into elegant
+terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres according to the
+plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian architect, who
+visited England for the purpose.
+
+After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast
+dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with
+portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon,
+the great lawyer in Queen Bess's time, to the loose stomacher and
+ringlets of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she
+was a maid of honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir
+Charles Lyndon, with his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my
+Lady, painted by Hudson, in a white satin sack and the family
+diamonds, as she was presented to the old King George II. These
+diamonds were very fine: I first had them reset by Boehmer when we
+appeared before their French Majesties at Versailles; and finally
+raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal run of ill luck at
+'Goosetree's,' when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called my Lord Sandwich),
+Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for four-and-forty hours
+SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads and hunting
+implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have been worn
+in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other old
+ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace
+where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much
+in its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned
+out and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with
+china monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of
+which the broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved
+their antiquity: and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But
+such was the taste of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my
+agent), that thirty thousand pounds' worth of these gems of art only
+went for three hundred guineas at a subsequent period, when I found
+it necessary to raise money on my collections.
+
+From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of
+state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer
+Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards
+rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the
+magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There
+were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in
+their antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where
+the murder was done in James II.'s time, the bed where William slept
+after landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth's state-room. All the
+rest were redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a
+little to the scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers;
+for I had pictures of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal
+apartments, in which the Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner
+so natural, that I recollect the old wizened Countess of Frumpington
+pinning over the curtains of her bed, and sending her daughter, Lady
+Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her waiting-woman, rather than
+allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over with looking-glasses,
+after the exact fashion of the Queen's closet at Versailles.
+
+For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as
+Cornichon, whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my
+buildings during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE
+BLANCHE, and when he fell down and broke his leg, as he was
+decorating a theatre in the room which had been the old chapel of
+the castle, the people of the country thought it was a judgment of
+Heaven upon him. In his rage for improvement the fellow dared
+anything. Without my orders he cut down an old rookery which was
+sacred in the country, and had a prophecy regarding it, stating,
+'When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton Hall.' The rooks
+went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near us (and be
+hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and two
+lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal's
+adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids
+in our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a
+large oak stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of
+which he did not comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he
+would break his bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred
+edifice. Cornichon made complaints about the 'Abbe Huff,' as he
+called him. ('Et quel abbe, grand Dieu!' added he, quite bewildered,
+'un abbe avec douze enfans'); but I encouraged the Church in this
+respect, and bade Cornichon exert his talents only in the castle.
+
+There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I
+added much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however
+well furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which
+I reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook
+from the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and
+venison department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by
+the way, and complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet
+him with COUPS DE POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an
+Italian confectioner, as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural
+appendages to a man of fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my
+kinsman and neighbour, affected to view with horror; and he spread
+through the country a report that I had my victuals cooked by
+Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he verily believed, fricasseed
+little children.
+
+But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old
+Doctor Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and
+turtle were most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to
+conciliate, too, in other ways. There had been only a subscription
+pack of fox-hounds in the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy
+beagles, with which old Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built
+a kennel and stables, which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a
+manner which was worthy of my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two
+packs of hounds, and took the field in the season four times a week,
+with three gentlemen in my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house
+at Hackton for all who belonged to the hunt.
+
+These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed,
+no small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base
+spirit of economy in my composition which some people practise and
+admire. For instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to
+repair his father's extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good
+deal of the money with which he paid off his mortgages my agent
+procured upon mine. And, besides, it must be remembered I had only a
+life-interest upon the Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper
+in dealing with the money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for
+insuring her Ladyship's life.
+
+At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan
+Lyndon I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what
+more had I to leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his
+mother entailed upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and
+whom, by the way, I have not mentioned as yet, though he was living
+at Hackton, consigned to a new governor. The insubordination of that
+boy was dreadful. He used to quote passages of 'Hamlet' to his
+mother, which made her very angry. Once when I took a horsewhip to
+chastise him, he drew a knife, and would have stabbed me: and,
+'faith, I recollected my own youth, which was pretty similar; and,
+holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and proposed to him to be
+friends. We were reconciled for that time, and the next, and the
+next; but there was no love lost between us, and his hatred for me
+seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace.
+
+I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to
+this end cut down twelve thousand pounds' worth of timber on Lady
+Lyndon's Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding
+Bullingdon's guardian, Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had
+no right to touch a stick of the trees; but down they went; and I
+commissioned my mother to repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry
+and Barryogue, which had once formed part of the immense possessions
+of my house. These she bought back with excellent prudence and
+extreme joy; for her heart was gladdened at the idea that a son was
+born to my name, and with the notion of my magnificent fortunes.
+
+To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very
+different sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest
+she should come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends
+by her bragging and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and
+furbelows of the time of George II.: in which she had figured
+advantageously in her youth, and which she still fondly thought to
+be at the height of the fashion. So I wrote to her, putting off her
+visit; begging her to visit us when the left wing of the castle was
+finished, or the stables built, and so forth. There was no need of
+such precaution. 'A hint's enough for me, Redmond,' the old lady
+would reply. 'I am not coming to disturb you among your great
+English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It's a blessing to
+me to think that my darling boy has attained the position which I
+always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to educate
+him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother may
+kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship
+his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she
+couldn't have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the
+Barrys and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood
+in their veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of
+Ballybarry, and my grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.'
+
+How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my
+mother's mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had
+also been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don't mind
+confessing that I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my
+signature, under the names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had
+determined with my usual impetuosity to carry my point. My mother
+went and established herself at Ballybarry, living with the priest
+there until a tenement could be erected, and dating from 'Ballybarry
+Castle;' which, you may be sure, I gave out to be a place of no
+small importance. I had a plan of the estate in my study, both at
+Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the plans of the elevation of
+Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of Barry Lyndon, Esq.,
+with the projected improvements, in which the castle was represented
+as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to the
+architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I
+purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the
+map looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of
+this estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr.
+Barry Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain
+Pigeon, the city merchant's son, who had just come in for his
+property. At for the Polwellan estate and mines, 'the cause of
+endless litigation,' it must be owned that our hero purchased them;
+but he never paid more than the first L5000 of the purchase-money.
+Hence the litigation of which he complains, and the famous Chancery
+suit of 'Trecothick v. Lyndon,' in which Mr. John Scott greatly
+distinguished himself.-ED.]
+
+I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan
+estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000--
+an imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much
+dispute and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of
+agents, the quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us
+great men, and fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in
+the course of my prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest
+fortune, and envied the boon companions at my table, with no clothes
+to their backs but such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea
+but what came from my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares
+and responsibilities which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and
+property.
+
+I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of
+my estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those
+persons who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking
+my fitting place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I
+had small inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the
+genteeler and more complete pleasures of English and Continental
+life; and we passed our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate,
+while Hackton Castle was being beautified in the elegant manner
+already described by me, and the season at our mansion in Berkeley
+Square.
+
+It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues
+of a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and
+brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when
+the individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I
+assure you it was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of
+the first class; made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in
+Pall Mall and afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style,
+equipages, and elegant entertainments were in everybody's mouth, and
+were described in all the morning prints. The needier part of Lady
+Lyndon's relatives, and such as had been offended by the intolerable
+pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to appear at our routs and
+assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I found in London and
+Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins who claimed
+affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own country
+(of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits from
+three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace
+and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in
+London; from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places,
+whom I soon speedily let to know their place; and from others of
+more reputable condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the
+Lord Kilbarry, who, on the score of his relationship, borrowed
+thirty pieces from me to pay his landlady in Swallow Street; and
+whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to maintain and credit a
+connection for which the Heralds' College gave no authority
+whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, and
+paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was
+under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of
+his cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country.
+
+Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in
+London. She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it;
+being a great friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a
+taste for the domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at
+home with her ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends;
+admitted three or four proper and discreet persons to accompany her
+to her box at the opera or play on proper occasions; and indeed
+declined for her the too frequent visits of her friends and family,
+preferring to receive them only twice or thrice in a season on our
+grand reception days. Besides, she was a mother, and had great
+comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling our little Bryan,
+for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the pleasures and
+frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the duty of every
+family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the truth, Lady
+Lyndon's figure and appearance were not at this time such as to make
+for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable
+world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in
+complexion, careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her
+conversations with me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly
+blundering attempt at forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable:
+hence our intercourse was but trifling, and my temptations to carry
+her into the world, or to remain in her society, of necessity
+exceedingly small. She would try my temper at home, too, in a
+thousand ways. When requested by me (often, I own, rather roughly)
+to entertain the company with conversation, wit, and learning, of
+which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was an accomplished
+performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and leave the
+room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant over
+her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly,
+bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady.
+
+She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had
+a wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums
+or fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and
+repeatedly, at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own
+original poverty and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she
+pretended to have the upper hand, to assert her authority against
+mine, to refuse to sign such papers as I might think necessary for
+the distribution of our large and complicated property, I would have
+Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick for a couple of days; and I
+warrant me his lady-mother could hold out no longer, and would agree
+to anything I chose to propose. The servants about her I took care
+should be in my pay, not hers: especially the child's head nurse was
+under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very handsome, red-
+cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made me make of
+myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the poor-
+spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and if
+I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited
+us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find
+means to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always
+made a fool of by some woman or other, and this one had such an
+influence over me that she could turn me round her finger.
+[Footnote: From these curious confessions, it would appear that Mr.
+Lyndon maltreated his lady in every possible way; that he denied her
+society, bullied her into signing away her property, spent it in
+gambling and taverns, was openly unfaithful to her; and, when she
+complained, threatened to remove her children from her. Nor, indeed,
+is he the only husband who has done the like, and has passed for
+'nobody's enemy but his own:' a jovial good-natured fellow. The
+world contains scores of such amiable people; and, indeed, it is
+because justice has not been done them that we have edited this
+autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of romance--one of
+those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott and James--
+there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a personage
+already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon is
+not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader
+look round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life
+as honest men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just
+that the lives of this class should be described by the student of
+human nature as well as the actions of those fairy-tale princes,
+those perfect impossible heroes, whom our writers love to describe?
+There is something naive and simple in that time-honoured style of
+novel-writing by which Prince Prettyman, at the end of his
+adventures, is put in possession of every worldly prosperity, as he
+has been endowed with every mental and bodily excellence previously.
+The novelist thinks that he can do no more for his darling hero than
+make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, of the summum
+bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; perhaps not
+even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be rewards and
+conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which all of
+us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for an
+essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the
+candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.]
+
+Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade's name) and my wife's
+moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I
+was driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at
+every club, tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to
+resume my old habit, and to commence as an amateur those games at
+which I was once unrivalled in Europe. But whether a man's temper
+changes with prosperity, or his skill leaves him when, deprived of a
+confederate, and pursuing the game no longer professionally, he
+joins in it, like the rest of the world, for pastime, I know not;
+but certain it is, that in the seasons of 1774-75 I lost much money
+at 'White's' and the 'Cocoa-Tree,' and was compelled to meet my
+losses by borrowing largely upon my wife's annuities, insuring her
+Ladyship's life, and so forth. The terms at which I raised these
+necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my improvements were,
+of course, very onerous, and clipped the property considerably; and
+it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who was of a
+narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: until
+I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown.
+
+My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my
+history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure
+in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled
+in almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could
+ride a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the
+English noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay
+Bulow, by Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket
+stakes, for which he was the first favourite, I found that a noble
+earl, who shall be nameless, had got into his stable the morning
+before he ran; and the consequence was that an outside horse won,
+and your humble servant was out to the amount of fifteen thousand
+pounds. Strangers had no chance in those days on the heath: and,
+though dazzled by the splendour and fashion assembled there, and
+surrounded by the greatest persons of the land,--the royal dukes,
+with their wives and splendid equipages; old Grafton, with his queer
+bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, Sandwich, Lorn,--a man
+might have considered himself certain of fair play and have been not
+a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I promise you, that,
+exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe who knew how to
+rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe a jockey, to
+doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ couldn't
+stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest families
+in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? I
+know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both
+my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched
+crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I
+trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and
+not to keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man
+to effect the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the
+latter case: indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes
+which finally befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been
+written about the year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had
+selected for the author at the close of his life.]
+
+I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth
+must be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and
+patron among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low
+birth, and have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a
+laced coat; as all must have remarked who have frequented their
+society. Mr. Reynolds, who was afterwards knighted, and certainly
+the most elegant painter of his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier
+of the wit tribe; and it was through this gentleman, who painted a
+piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and our little Bryan, which was greatly
+admired at the Exhibition (I was represented as quitting my wife, in
+the costume of the Tippleton Yeomanry, of which I was major; the
+child starting back from my helmet like what-d'ye-call'im--Hector's
+son, as described by Mr. Pope in his 'Iliad'); it was through Mr.
+Reynolds that I was introduced to a score of these gentlemen, and
+their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought their great chief a
+great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my house, misbehaving
+himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no more respect than
+those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my horses and tailors,
+and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch bear-leader, Mr.
+Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw such a figure
+as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, at one of Mrs.
+Cornely's balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that the stories
+connected with that same establishment are not the most profitable
+tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer doings
+there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there,
+from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver
+Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the
+Bird of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer
+characters, who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that
+afterwards was hanged for killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his
+Reverence Doctor Simony, whom my friend Sam Foote, of the 'Little
+Theatre,' bade to live even after forgery and the rope cut short the
+unlucky parson's career.
+
+It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that's the truth.
+I'm writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly
+more moral and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the
+last century, when the world was young with me. There was a
+difference between a gentleman and a common fellow in those times.
+We wore silk and embroidery then. Now every man has the same
+coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped coat, and there is no
+outward difference between my Lord and his groom. Then it took a man
+of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, and he could show
+some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a blaze of splendour
+was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! What sums of money
+were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My gilt curricle and
+out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very different objects
+from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with the stunted
+grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as the
+milksops nowadays can swallow; but 'tis useless expatiating on this
+theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon
+your soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I
+think of thirty years ago.
+
+This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy
+and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way
+of adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and
+easy. It would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-
+day occupations of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled
+upon him, the dresses he wore, the matches he played, and won or
+lost. At this period of time, when youngsters are employed cutting
+the Frenchmen's throats in Spain and France, lying out in bivouacs,
+and feeding off commissariat beef and biscuit, they would not
+understand what a life their ancestors led; and so I shall leave
+further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when even the
+Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not
+subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat
+in his native island.
+
+Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house,
+from an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek
+temple, or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic
+appearance to be adapted to the most genteel French style--my child
+growing up at his mother's knees, and my influence in the country
+increasing,--it must not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all
+this while, and that I neglected to make visits to London, and my
+various estates in England and Ireland.
+
+I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal,
+where I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging
+chicanery; I passed over in state to our territories in Ireland,
+where I entertained the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant
+himself could not equal; gave the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it
+was a beggarly savage city in those days; and, since the time there
+has been a pother about the Union, and the misfortunes attending it,
+I have been at a loss to account for the mad praises of the old
+order of things, which the fond Irish patriots have invented); I say
+I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to me, for a poor
+place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may say.
+
+In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was the
+Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, half-
+civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say
+half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild,
+unshorn, and in rags. The most public places were not safe after
+nightfall. The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry's
+houses were splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but
+the people were in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever
+known: the exercise of their religion was only half allowed to them;
+their clergy were forced to be educated out of the country; their
+aristocracy was quite distinct from them; there was a Protestant
+nobility, and in the towns, poor insolent Protestant corporations,
+with a bankrupt retinue of mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers
+--all of whom figured in addresses and had the public voice in the
+country; but there was no sympathy and connection between the upper
+and the lower people of the Irish. To one who had been bred so much
+abroad as myself, this difference between Catholic and Protestant
+was doubly striking; and though as firm as a rock in my own faith,
+yet I could not help remembering my grandfather held a different
+one, and wondering that there should be such a political difference
+between the two. I passed among my neighbours for a dangerous
+leveller, for entertaining and expressing such opinions, and
+especially for asking the priest of the parish to my table at Castle
+Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated at Salamanca, and, to my mind,
+a far better bred and more agreeable companion than his comrade the
+rector, who had but a dozen Protestants for his congregation; who
+was a lord's son, to be sure, but he could hardly spell, and the
+great field of his labours was in the kennel and cockpit.
+
+I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had
+done our other estates, but contented myself with paying an
+occasional visit there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and
+keeping open house during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt,
+the widow Brady, and her six unmarried daughters (although they
+always detested me), permission to inhabit the place; my mother
+preferring my new mansion of Barryogue.
+
+And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall
+and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a
+proper governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to
+take care of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the
+old ladies if he were so minded, and thereby imitate his
+stepfather's example. When tired of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was
+at liberty to go and reside at my house with my mamma; but there was
+no love lost between him and her, and, on account of my son Bryan, I
+think she hated him as cordially as ever I myself could possibly do.
+
+The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of
+Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter
+possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a
+few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income
+by returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the
+influence with Ministers which these seats gave him. The
+parliamentary interest of the house of Lyndon had been grossly
+neglected during my wife's minority, and the incapacity of the Earl
+her father; or, to speak more correctly, it had been smuggled away
+from the Lyndon family altogether by the adroit old hypocrite of
+Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and guardians do by their
+wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess of Tiptoff
+returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of
+Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our
+estate of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For
+time out of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until
+Tiptoff, taking advantage of the late lord's imbecility, put in his
+own nominees. When his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord
+was to take his seat for Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who
+made his fortune under Clive in India) died, the Marquess thought
+fit to bring down his second son, my Lord George Poynings, to whom I
+have introduced the reader in a former chapter, and determined, in
+his high mightiness, that he too should go in and swell the ranks of
+the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom the Marquess acted.
+
+Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his
+demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing
+health had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who
+were staunch Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord
+Tiptoff's principles as dangerous and ruinous, 'We have been looking
+out for a man to fight against him,' said the squires to me; 'we can
+only match Tiptoff out of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our
+man, and at the next county election we will swear to bring you in.'
+
+I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any
+election. They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to
+receive those who visited us; they kept the women of the county from
+receiving my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my
+profligacy and extravagance with which the neighbourhood was
+entertained; they said I had frightened my wife into marriage, and
+that she was a lost woman; they hinted that Bullingdon's life was
+not secure under my roof, that his treatment was odious, and that I
+wanted to put him out of the way to make place for Bryan my son. I
+could scarce have a friend to Hackton, but they counted the bottles
+drunk at my table. They ferreted out my dealings with my lawyers and
+agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every item of his bill was known
+at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer's daughter, it was said I
+had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, and as a domestic
+character, I can't boast of any particular regularity or temper; but
+Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable people do,
+and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I am a man
+full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious
+backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three
+years I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung
+the carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present
+can testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the
+poor lad, I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and
+one's inclinations are not in one's power), I am guilty of no evil
+towards him.
+
+I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and
+am not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a
+Whig, or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the
+haughtiest men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the
+great Earl used to treat them--after he came to a coronet himself--
+as so many low vassals, who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle.
+When the Tippleton mayor and corporation waited upon him, he
+received them covered, never offered Mr. Mayor a chair, but retired
+when the refreshments were brought, or had them served to the
+worshipful aldermen in the steward's room. These honest Britons
+never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed to do so by
+my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the course
+of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who
+are not of their way of thinking.
+
+It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their
+degradation. I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a
+very buxom pretty groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my
+wife, and drove them both out to the races in my curricle. Lady
+Lyndon fought very hard against this condescension; but I had a way
+with her, as the saying is, and though she had a temper, yet I had a
+better one. A temper, psha! A wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper
+can get the better of it; and I know very few women in the world
+whom I could not master.
+
+Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for
+their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending
+their assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going
+through, in short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on
+such occasions: and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on,
+yet his head was so much in the clouds, that he never once
+condescended to imagine his dynasty could be overthrown in his own
+town of Tippleton, and issued his mandates as securely as if he had
+been the Grand Turk, and the Tippletonians no better than so many
+slaves of his will.
+
+Every post which brought us any account of Rigby's increasing
+illness, was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that
+my friends of the hunt used to laugh and say, 'Rigby's worse;
+there's a corporation dinner at Hackton.'
+
+It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into
+Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days
+used to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of
+Peers against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a
+great philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion
+of the rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British
+patriotism, he could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would
+have sworn black was white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he
+made his son give up his commission in the Guards, in imitation of
+my Lord Pitt, who resigned his ensigncy rather than fight against
+what he called his American brethren.
+
+But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in
+England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our
+people hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the
+fight of Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker's Hill (as we
+used to call it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual
+hot-headed anger. The talk was all against the philosophers after
+that, and the people were most indomitably loyal. It was not until
+the land-tax was increased, that the gentry began to grumble a
+little; but still my party in the West was very strong against the
+Tiptoffs, and I determined to take the field and win as usual.
+
+The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which
+are requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the
+corporation and freeholders his intention of presenting his son,
+Lord George, and his desire that the latter should be elected their
+burgess; but he scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the
+devotedness of his adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged
+every tavern in Tippleton in my behalf.
+
+There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an
+election. I rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord
+Tiptoff and his son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of
+satisfaction, too, in forcing my wife (who had been at one time
+exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, as I have already related) to
+take part against him, and to wear and distribute my colours when
+the day of election came. And when we spoke at one another, I told
+the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in love, that I had beaten
+him in war, and that I would now beat him in Parliament; and so I
+did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible anger of the old
+Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of Parliament
+for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and I
+threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his
+seats, and went to attend my duties in Parliament.
+
+It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish
+peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir.
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER
+
+And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history
+immoral (for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never
+deserved that so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will
+beg those cavillers to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my
+adventures; when they will see it was no such great prize that I had
+won, and that wealth, splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a
+seat in Parliament, are often purchased at too dear a rate, when one
+has to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal liberty, and
+saddled with the charge of a troublesome wife.
+
+They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth.
+No man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the
+burthen of one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and
+strengthens from year to year, and the courage becomes weaker to
+bear it; so that that trouble which seemed light and trivial the
+first year, becomes intolerable ten years after. I have heard of one
+of the classical fellows in the dictionary who began by carrying a
+calf up a hill every day, and so continued until the animal grew to
+be a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his shoulders;
+but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very
+much harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfield
+and, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the 'Memoirs of
+Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in vain. Not that my Lady
+was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed to
+have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, crying,
+melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: do
+what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in good-
+humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural
+in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement
+and companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all
+her other faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest
+attention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and
+wring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know not
+what.
+
+Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of
+common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon
+(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to
+become my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every
+penny of the property, and I should have been left considerably
+poorer even than when I married the widow: for I spent my personal
+fortune as well as the lady's income in the keeping up of our rank,
+and was always too much a man of honour and spirit to save a penny
+of Lady Lyndon's income. Let this be flung in the teeth of my
+detractors, who say I never could have so injured the Lyndon
+property had I not been making a private purse for myself; and who
+believe that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards of
+gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when I
+choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but I
+spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal
+obligations for money, which all went to the common stock.
+Independent of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself
+at least one hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while
+in occupancy of my wife's estate; so that I may justly say that
+property is indebted to me in the above-mentioned sum.
+
+Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which
+speedily took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and
+although I took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and
+above-board) to disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such
+a mean spirit, that she pursued me with her regard in spite of my
+indifference to her, and would kindle up at the smallest kind word I
+spoke to her. The fact is, between my respected reader and myself,
+that I was one of the handsomest and most dashing young men of
+England in those days, and my wife was violently in love with me;
+and though I say it who shouldn't, as the phrase goes, my wife was
+not the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion of
+the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I have
+often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James's
+grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; the
+cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex,
+and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish
+creatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or
+illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat
+of any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my
+breeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to
+dislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she
+was governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last
+day of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me,
+if I addressed her a single kind word.
+
+'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND,
+if you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the
+most easy creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have
+signed away her whole property, had it been possible. And, I must
+confess, it was with very little attention on my part that I could
+bring her into good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at
+Ranelagh, to attend her to church at St. James's, to purchase any
+little present or trinket for her, was enough to coax her. Such is
+female inconsistency! The next day she would be calling me 'Mr.
+Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that she ever
+should have been united to such a monster. So it was she was pleased
+to call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty's three
+kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more flattering
+opinion of me.
+
+Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the
+person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't know
+why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and
+never bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his
+education.
+
+It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union
+between me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I
+could propose in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof,
+and no expense she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means
+be shown to tend to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were
+administered, and in high places too,--so near the royal person of
+His Majesty, that you would be astonished were I to mention what
+great personages condescended to receive our loans. I got from the
+English and Irish heralds a description and detailed pedigree of the
+Barony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my
+ancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the Viscounty of
+Ballybarry. 'This head would become a coronet,' my Lady would
+sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and,
+indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships' house who
+has neither my presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of my
+merits.
+
+The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of the
+most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made
+unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and
+diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased
+pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated
+entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the
+Royal person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the
+Royal Dukes His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be
+forgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not be
+deficient in loyalty to my Sovereign.
+
+The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is
+that old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of
+Crabs. This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's
+closet, and one with whom the revered monarch was on terms of
+considerable intimacy. A close regard had sprung up between them in
+the old King's time; when His Royal Highness, playing at battledore
+and shuttlecock with the young lord on the landing-place of the
+great staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation the Prince of
+Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke his leg.
+The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence caused him to ally
+himself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when His
+Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom the
+Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poor
+and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him on
+the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal,
+Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost
+immediately to a place about His Majesty's person.
+
+It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly
+intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself
+in town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was
+really one of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a
+sincere pleasure in his company; besides the interesting desire I
+had in cultivating the society of a man who was so near the person
+of the highest personage in the realm.
+
+To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any
+appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for
+instance, of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before
+poor Charley himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the
+Howes were coming back from America, and who was to succeed to the
+command there. Not to multiply instances, it was upon this person
+that I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my claim to
+the Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to get.
+
+One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine
+entailed upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of
+infantry from the Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland,
+which I offered to my gracious Sovereign for the campaign against
+the American rebels. These troops, superbly equipped and clothed,
+were embarked at Portsmouth in the year 1778; and the patriotism of
+the gentleman who had raised them was so acceptable at Court, that,
+on being presented by my Lord North, His Majesty condescended to
+notice me particularly, and said, 'That's right, Mr. Lyndon, raise
+another company; and go with them, too!' But this was by no means,
+as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty thousand
+pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar:
+and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friend
+Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet of
+horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which
+could fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he
+received news that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead,
+and had left him five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied
+for leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve of a general
+action, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: except
+against an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged in
+such a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that it
+was from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not from
+cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms.
+
+When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now
+sixteen years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I
+would have gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but
+his guardian, Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused
+his permission, and the lad's military inclinations were balked. If
+he could have gone on the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an
+end to him, I believe, to tell the truth, I should not have been
+grieved over-much; and I should have had the pleasure of seeing my
+other son the heir to the estate which his father had won with so
+much pains.
+
+The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of
+the loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He
+was of so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had
+the least regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least,
+was so moody and dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon
+him, and left him for the most part to shift for himself. For two
+whole years he remained in Ireland away from us; and when in
+England, we kept him mainly at Hackton, never caring to have the
+uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in the capital in which
+we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the contrary, was the most
+polite and engaging child ever seen: it was a pleasure to treat him
+with kindness and distinction; and before he was five years old, the
+little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and good breeding.
+
+In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his
+parents bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished
+upon him in every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with
+the English nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife
+had been so jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who
+had lived with families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of
+course, must set my Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this
+young woman my little rogue learned to chatter French most
+charmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear the dear
+rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little foot,
+and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trente
+mille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early age
+he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drink
+his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse would
+teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vade
+and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such of his
+hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise
+you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the
+society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did
+not encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady
+Lyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious
+narrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever
+any of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make
+their appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief
+pleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryan
+dance, sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as
+to scare the old frumps.
+
+I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes
+of a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach
+little Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes
+allowed the boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French
+songs from him, which their mother, a poor soul who understood
+pickles and custards much better than French, used fondly to
+encourage them in singing; but which their father one day hearing,
+he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for a week,
+and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his brothers
+and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would act
+as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the old
+parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold him
+down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friend
+Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverence
+forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldest
+son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the
+succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of
+bestowing on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical
+air, which I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would
+not have his children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a
+bishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with
+Latin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. 'I do so with
+regret,' added the old gentleman, 'for I have received so many
+kindnesses from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to be
+disunited from them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence of
+my separation from you, and my being hence-forward unable to bring
+to your notice instances of distress and affliction; which, when
+they were known to you, I will do you the justice to say, your
+generosity was always prompt to relieve.'
+
+There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was
+perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty,
+from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket;
+but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share
+in causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I
+know that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of
+Bryan's gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest
+French fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the
+rectory but you would see the girls of the family turn out in new
+sacks or mantles the Sunday after.
+
+I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on
+Sundays during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for
+Bryan, and a chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to
+be separated from the women's society and guardianship. His English
+nurse I married to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his
+French gouvernante I bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not
+forgetting the dowry in the latter instance; and they set up a
+French dining-house in Soho, and I believe at the time I write they
+are richer in the world's goods than their generous and free-handed
+master.
+
+For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund
+Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was
+in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other
+qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to
+our society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun
+there. He was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most
+admirable and martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men
+who would rather be kicked by a great man than not be noticed by
+him; and I have often put his wig into the fire in the face of the
+company, when he would laugh at the joke as well as any man there.
+It was a delight to put him on a high-mettled horse, and send him
+after the hounds,--pale, sweating, calling on us, for Heaven's sake,
+to stop, and holding on for dear life by the mane and the crupper.
+How it happened that the fellow was never killed I know not; but I
+suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck will be broke. He never
+met with any accident, to speak of, in our hunting-matches: but you
+were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his place at the bottom of
+the table making the punch, whence he would be carried off fuddled
+to bed before the night was over. Many a time have Bryan and I
+painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a haunted
+room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we let
+loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his
+boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled
+his sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience;
+and at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by
+being allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in
+the society of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with
+which he talked about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a
+servitor: and a servitor at a small college,' he would say. 'How
+COULD you, my dear sir, think of giving the reversion of Hackton to
+such a low-bred creature?'
+
+I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I
+mean the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years,
+under the guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle
+Lyndon; and great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation,
+and prodigious the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With
+all her oddities, the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of
+all our possessions; the rents were excellently paid, the charges of
+getting them in smaller than they would have been under the
+management of any steward. It was astonishing what small expenses
+the good widow incurred; although she kept up the dignity of the TWO
+families, as she would say. She had a set of domestics to attend
+upon the young lord; she never went out herself but in an old gilt
+coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the furniture and
+gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits to
+Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good condition
+as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half as
+many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine condition
+as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with
+scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the
+parks, and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she
+supplied I don't know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the
+fruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the
+highest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as
+there used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was no
+consumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water,
+and saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of the
+girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with her
+husband had spent almost all their property, and who came to see me
+once in London, looking very old, fat, and slatternly, with two
+dirty children at her side. She wept very much when she saw me,
+called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, and
+begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through my
+friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the
+passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a
+dirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora,
+could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity.
+But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through life
+her constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances of
+my generous and faithful disposition.
+
+Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she
+was concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts
+she sent me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart
+considerable pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He
+would absent himself for weeks from the house on sporting or other
+expeditions. He was when at home silent and queer, refusing to make
+my mother's game at piquet of evenings, but plunging into all sorts
+of musty old books, with which he muddled his brains; more at ease
+laughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in the servants'
+hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always cutting jibes
+and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow woman
+at repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life of
+insubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegrace
+took to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish--
+a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain--
+rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentleman
+of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day.
+
+Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should
+act towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through
+life, it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn
+and abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my
+French body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission
+to bring the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was
+that he had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in
+Ireland with his Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my
+mother had a violent quarrel on the very last day; that, on the
+contrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very
+sorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and visit the
+rector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old Pharisee,
+inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote me
+a letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young imp
+of perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was no
+love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable to
+the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularity
+among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping round the
+gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant
+savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and
+some went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and
+appear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It
+was with considerable difficulty that some of these people could be
+kept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their
+young lord to England.
+
+To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a
+manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and
+appearance betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the
+very portrait of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race,
+whose pictures hung in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was
+fond of spending the chief part of his time, occupied with the musty
+old books which he took out of the library, and which I hate to see
+a young man of spirit poring over. Always in my company he preserved
+the most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful demeanour; which was
+so much the more disagreeable because there was nothing in his
+behaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: although
+his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highest
+degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on his
+arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it.
+He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and,
+when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me
+full in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I
+believe;' turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of
+the weather to his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.'
+She was angry at this pert bearing, and, when they were alone,
+rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his father.
+
+'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was the
+Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten
+him, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at
+once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy
+well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms
+of friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me
+for my after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my
+shoulders the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my
+temper, and my subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he
+began the quarrel, and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued
+were entirely of his creating.
+
+As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family
+to exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no
+question about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to
+close quarters with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival
+among us, upon his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of
+him, I had him conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This
+process, I confess, at first agitated me a good deal, for I had
+never laid a whip on a lord before; but I got speedily used to the
+practice, and his back and my whip became so well acquainted, that I
+warrant there was very little CEREMONY between us after a while.
+
+If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and
+brutal conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His
+perseverance in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in
+correcting him: for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his
+duty as a parent, can't be flogging his children all day, or for
+every fault they commit: and though I got the character of being so
+cruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my word I spared him correction
+when he merited it many more times than I administered it. Besides,
+there were eight clear months in the year when he was quit of me,
+during the time of my presence in London, at my place in Parliament,
+and at the Court of my Sovereign.
+
+At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the
+Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a
+considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a
+quarrel between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the
+young rebel would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that
+the parson was a pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once
+he led the boy back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him
+into my presence, although he had vowed never to enter the doors in
+my lifetime again, and said, 'He had brought his Lordship to
+acknowledge his error, and submit to any punishment I might think
+proper to inflict.' Upon which I caned him in the presence of two or
+three friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking at the time;
+and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment without
+wincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not too
+severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of the
+clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I thought
+proper.
+
+Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish my
+Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM,
+and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to
+the delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump
+him, thump him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's
+content; who never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but
+contented himself by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings
+to me, his natural protector and guardian.
+
+With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He
+took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw
+that darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was
+'half a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the
+dear angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have
+held my hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved.
+
+With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any
+communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why
+should he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it
+will give the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness
+of the lad's character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It
+has been made a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him
+the education befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college
+or to school; but the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went
+to neither. He had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see
+as little of his impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly
+declined; and, for a long time, I could not make out what was the
+charm which kept him in a house where he must have been far from
+comfortable.
+
+It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent
+disputes between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she
+was wrong, sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very
+angelical tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and
+when in that condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps
+I DID, in this state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or
+two at her, and call her by a few names that were not complimentary.
+I may have threatened her life (which it was obviously my interest
+not to take), and have frightened her, in a word, considerably.
+
+After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the
+galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it
+appears Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I
+came up with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which
+were not very steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms,
+took her into his own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he
+would never leave the house as long as she continued united with me.
+I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was
+the occasion of it; I was taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by
+my servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had no more
+recollection of what had occurred any more than of what happened
+when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of the
+circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me to
+plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges of
+cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my
+detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless
+ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and
+stepfather after dinner.
+
+This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but
+their characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of
+me ever to allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew
+up to be a man, his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite
+wicked to think of (and which I promise you I returned with
+interest): and it was at the age of sixteen, I think, that the
+impudent young hangdog, on my return from Parliament one summer, and
+on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me to understand that he
+would submit to no farther chastisement from me, and said, grinding
+his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I looked
+at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave up
+that necessary part of his education.
+
+It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve
+in America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over
+the Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to
+propagate the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that
+precious young scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I
+actually wished to get rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign
+was actually construed into a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on
+Bullingdon's life; and it was said that I had raised the American
+corps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to command
+it, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had not
+fixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was ordered
+to despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was to
+give him for this delicate piece of service.
+
+But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment
+of my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be
+brought to pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY
+aid in sending him into the other world; but had a happy knack of
+finding the way thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue.
+In truth, he began upon this way early: of all the violent, daring,
+disobedient scapegraces that ever caused an affectionate parent
+pain, he was certainly the most incorrigible; there was no beating
+him, or coaxing him, or taming him.
+
+For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into
+the room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would
+begin his violent and undutiful sarcasms at me.
+
+'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him,
+'what a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would
+then have a worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of
+the illustrious blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not,
+Mr. Barry Lyndon?' He always chose the days when company, or the
+clergy or gentry of the neighbourhood, were present, to make these
+insolent speeches to me.
+
+Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand ball
+and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his
+appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-
+suit you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now
+to think of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was
+a great crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his
+half-brother, who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe
+it?) in his stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand,
+paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he
+fits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young
+reprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other and to
+titter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with great
+dignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, 'From the manner
+in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I would
+have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother's
+affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the
+apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once.
+
+At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it
+was in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost
+all patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his
+saddle with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground,
+sprang down to it myself, and administered such a correction across
+the young caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might
+have ended in his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my
+passion was up, and I was in a state to do murder or any other
+crime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, where he lay for a day
+or two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation as from the
+chastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on sending
+to inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at table,
+a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. The
+young villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in the
+following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:--
+
+'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure the
+ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to
+your bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general
+brutality of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him
+so long as I have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is
+unworthy of, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards your
+Ladyship; his brutal and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open
+infidelity, his habits of extravagance, intoxication, his shameless
+robberies and swindling of my property and yours. It is these
+insults to you which shock and annoy me, more than the ruffian's
+infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by your Ladyship as I
+promised, but you seem to have taken latterly your husband's part;
+and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred ruffian, who, to
+our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and as I cannot
+bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible
+society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my native
+country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. I
+possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr.
+Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some
+feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs.
+Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if
+they receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised,
+knowing you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to
+rob on the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for
+myself more honourable than that by which the penniless Irish
+adventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and home.'
+
+This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours
+vowed that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it;
+though I declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after
+reading the above infamous letter, was to have the author within a
+good arm's length of me, that I might let him know my opinion
+regarding him. But there was no eradicating this idea from people's
+minds, who insisted that I wanted to kill Bullingdon; whereas
+murder, as I have said, was never one of my evil qualities: and even
+had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, common prudence
+would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to ruin his own
+way.
+
+It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young
+truant; but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the
+pleasure of being able to refute some of the murderous calumnies
+which had been uttered against me, by producing a bill with
+Bullingdon's own signature, drawn from General Tarleton's army in
+America, where my company was conducting itself with the greatest
+glory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. There were
+some of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all sorts
+of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that I
+would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon's; old
+Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill was
+a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter to
+her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New York
+at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival
+given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished
+chieftains, the two Howes.
+
+In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have
+been received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now
+followed me in town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death,
+be sure,' exclaimed one of my friends. 'And then his wife's will
+follow,' added another. 'He will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third;
+and so on. Lavender brought me the news of these scandals about me:
+the country was up against me. The farmers on market-days used to
+touch their hats sulkily, and get out of my way; the gentlemen who
+followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and left off my
+uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan Capermore,
+and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the marquis,
+as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, and
+we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing
+which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I
+had too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult
+towards me; so we danced with some of the very commonest low people
+at the bottom of the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants,
+attorneys, and such scum as are allowed to attend our public
+assemblies.
+
+The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to the
+palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon
+me which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and
+honourable gentleman.
+
+My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family,
+was scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at
+St. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord
+Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind,
+'Sir, my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your
+Majesty's crown in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should
+send another regiment to aid him?' On which the King turned on his
+heel, and I made my bow out of the presence-chamber. When Lady
+Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the drawing-room, I found that
+precisely the same question had been put to her Ladyship; and she
+came home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered to
+her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, in
+favour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptly
+to Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stay
+amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short;
+for the French Government, which had been long tampering with the
+American rebels, now openly acknowledged the independence of the
+United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we happy English
+were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one or two fair
+ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a gentleman
+can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. The
+Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon
+public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and
+our dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments
+which rendered him the delight of all who knew him.
+
+I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good
+uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with
+strong intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had
+gone into retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into
+the world again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen
+desperately in love in his old age with a French actress, who had
+done, as most ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and
+laughed at him. His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance
+of Messieurs of the Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts
+towards religion; and his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked
+in what I could relieve him, was to pay a handsome fee to the
+convent into which he proposed to enter.
+
+This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding
+me to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I
+parted rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to
+make his old days comfortable.
+
+I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the
+Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming
+figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and
+furniture bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and
+was forced to meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the
+money-lenders, by pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that
+graceless little Rosemont wheedled me out of some of them), and by a
+thousand other schemes for raising money. But when Honour is in the
+case, was I ever found backward at her call: and what man can say
+that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay?
+
+As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on
+my return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that
+rascal Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more
+influence to get me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's
+tiara. The Sovereign was not a whit more gracious to me on returning
+from the Continent than he had been before my departure; and I had
+it from one of the aides-de-camp of the Royal Dukes his brothers,
+that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been odiously
+misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject of
+Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies,
+actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms.
+I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heard
+these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord North
+at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being
+allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the
+imputations against me, to point out my services to the Government
+in voting with them, and to ask when the reward that had been
+promised to me--viz., the title held by my ancestors--was again to
+be revived in my person?
+
+There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the
+most provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from
+him. He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long
+violent speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing
+Street, and gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he
+opened one eye, smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my
+replying in the affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer
+you, point by point. The King is exceedingly averse to make peers,
+as you know. Your claims, as you call them, HAVE been laid before
+him, and His Majesty's gracious reply was, that you were the most
+impudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than a
+coronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectly
+welcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please.
+And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will do
+me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his hand lazily to
+the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was any other
+thing in the world in which he could oblige me.
+
+I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord
+Crabs to dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig
+off his head, and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in
+that part of the person where, according to report, he had been
+formerly assaulted by Majesty. The whole story was over the town the
+next day, and pictures of me were hanging in the clubs and print-
+shops performing the operation alluded to. All the town laughed at
+the picture of the lord and the Irishman, and, I need not say,
+recognised both. As for me, I was one of the most celebrated
+characters in London in those days: my dress, style, and equipage
+being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; and my
+popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least
+considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at
+the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord
+Mansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant,
+and after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the
+Opposition, and vexed him with all the means in my power.
+
+These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and
+the House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the
+Gordon disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took
+place. It came on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming,
+at a most unlucky time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most
+ruinous rates, to face the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs
+against me in the field more active and virulent than ever.
+
+My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my
+enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish
+Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures
+drawn representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord
+Bullingdon, turning him out of doors in a storm, and I know not
+what. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which
+it was pretended I came; others in which I was represented as a
+lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose upon me, in
+which any man of less spirit would have gone down.
+
+But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money
+in the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne
+and Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as
+commonly as water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry
+had all turned upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even
+represented that I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into
+the town alone, wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made
+her visit the mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would
+persuade the people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me;
+and the brutal mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go
+back, and how she liked horsewhip for supper.
+
+I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me
+together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of
+my marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in
+until they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it
+was frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was
+bound up in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages
+and insurances, and all the horrible evils attendant upon them.
+Lawyers upon lawyers posted down from London; composition after
+composition was made, and Lady Lyndon's income hampered almost
+irretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. To do her justice, she
+behaved with tolerable kindness at this season of trouble; for
+whenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I coaxed her
+I was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to good-
+humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure an
+easy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when my
+troubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left,
+viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best part
+of my income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Lady
+was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would be
+quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad to
+undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live for the
+sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which she
+hoped to enjoy.
+
+We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and
+ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our
+absence. My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies
+would have been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of
+their power. I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full
+as much on my mines and private estates as they were worth; so the
+scoundrels were disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate
+and property in the London house, they could not touch that, as it
+was the property of the heirs of the house of Lyndon.
+
+I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle
+Lyndon for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly
+ruined man, and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never
+again appear in the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it
+was not so. In the midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a
+great consolation for me still. Despatches came home from America
+announcing Lord Cornwallis's defeat of General Gates in Carolina,
+and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was present as a volunteer.
+
+For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little.
+My son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume
+forthwith the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the
+family titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her
+grandson as 'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and
+privations were repaid by seeing this darling child advanced to such
+a post of honour.
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+CONCLUSION
+
+If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels,
+who share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with
+your venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I
+am sure I merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at
+least, where my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my
+mansion and entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my
+time. As long as my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to
+partake of it; I had hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a
+regiment of dragoons, and butts of wine in my cellar which would
+have made whole counties drunk for years. Castle Lyndon became the
+headquarters of scores of needy gentlemen, and I never rode a-
+hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of the best blood of the
+country riding as my squires and gentlemen of the horse. My son,
+little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and manners, even
+at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble families
+from whom he was descended: I don't know what high hopes I had for
+the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his
+future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had
+determined that I should leave none of my race behind me, and
+ordained that I should finish my career, as I see it closing now--
+poor, lonely, and childless. I may have had my faults; but no man
+shall dare to say of me that I was not a good and tender father. I
+loved that boy passionately; perhaps with a blind partiality: I
+denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, I swear, would I have died that
+his premature doom might have been averted. I think there is not a
+day since I lost him but his bright face and beautiful smiles look
+down on me out of heaven, where he is, and that my heart does not
+yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken from me at the age of
+nine years, when he was full of beauty and promise: and so powerful
+is the hold his memory has of me that I have never been able to
+forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights on my restless
+solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest company, as
+the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring about, I
+am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair hanging
+round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured
+pauper's grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon's worn-out old
+bones will be laid.
+
+My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from
+such a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control,
+against which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how
+much more, then, of his mother's and the women's, whose attempts to
+direct him he would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother ('Mrs. Barry
+of Lyndon' the good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new
+family) was quite unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what
+a will he had of his own. If it had not been for that, he might have
+lived to this day: he might--but why repine? Is he not in a better
+place? would the heritage of a beggar do any service to him? It is
+best as it is--Heaven be good to us!--Alas! that I, his father,
+should be left to deplore him.
+
+It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see
+a lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult
+with me about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of
+which, as I hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was
+determined to cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty
+in the matter. It was said I had no right to touch the timber. The
+brute peasantry about the estate had been roused to such a pitch of
+hatred against me, that the rascals actually refused to lay an axe
+to the trees; and my agent (that scoundrel Larkins) declared that
+his life was in danger among them if he attempted any further
+despoilment (as they called it) of the property. Every article of
+the splendid furniture was sold by this time, as I need not say; and
+as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring it off to Ireland,
+where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker's, who had
+advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had occasion
+for.
+
+I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so
+far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and
+timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that
+he agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value,
+and handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with
+debts at the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in
+getting down the wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights
+and sawyers from his own and the King's yards at Plymouth, and in
+two months Hackton Park was as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen.
+
+I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost
+the greater part of it in two nights' play at 'Daly's,' so that my
+debts stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed
+for Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber-
+merchant, all that I had left of the money he brought me was a
+couple of hundred pounds, with which I returned home very
+disconsolately: and very suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were
+hot upon me, hearing I had spent the loan, and two of my wine-
+merchants had writs out against me for some thousands of pounds.
+
+I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I
+give a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for
+my dear little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth
+birthday, that was now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal
+and stood me in a good sum. I never regarded money for that dear
+child. But the horse was very wild. He kicked off one of my horse-
+boys, who rode him at first, and broke the lad's leg; and, though I
+took the animal in hand on the journey home, it was only my weight
+and skill that made the brute quiet.
+
+When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a
+farmer's house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was
+all anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his
+birthday, when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I
+promised myself no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to
+the field that day: which I hoped to see him lead some time or other
+in place of his fond father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to
+ride a fox-chase, or to take the place amongst the gentry of his
+country which his birth and genius had pointed out for him!
+
+Though I don't believe in dreams and omens, yet I can't but own that
+when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many
+strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady
+Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son's death; but, as she
+was now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears
+with scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment,
+over the bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always
+questioning me about the little horse, and when it was to come, that
+it was arrived; that it was in Doolan's farm, where Mick the groom
+was breaking him in. 'Promise me, Bryan,' screamed his mother, 'that
+you will not ride the horse except in company of your father.' But I
+only said, 'Pooh, madam, you are an ass!' being angry at her silly
+timidity, which was always showing itself in a thousand disagreeable
+ways now; and, turning round to Bryan, said, 'I promise your
+Lordship a good flogging if you mount him without my leave.'
+
+I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for
+the pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would
+remit the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose
+rather late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the
+child had been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor's
+room (this was Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live
+with me), and I had no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan's farm.
+
+I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage,
+swearing I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little
+thought of it when at three miles from home I met a sad procession
+coming towards me: peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the
+black horse led by the hand, and, on a door that some of the folk
+carried, my poor dear dear little boy. There he lay in his little
+boots and spurs, and his little coat of scarlet and gold. His dear
+face was quite white, and he smiled as he held a hand out to me, and
+said painfully, 'You won't whip me, will you, papa?' I could only
+burst out into tears in reply. I have seen many and many a man
+dying, and there's a look about the eyes which you cannot mistake.
+There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit down before
+my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him some water, he
+looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there's no mistaking
+that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured the
+country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt.
+
+But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible
+enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account
+of the poor child's case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat
+him bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having
+overcome his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But
+there were loose stones at the top, and the horse's foot caught
+among them, and he and his brave little rider rolled over together
+at the other side. The people said they saw the noble little boy
+spring up after his fall and run to catch the horse; which had
+broken away from him, kicking him on the back, as it would seem, as
+they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a few yards and then dropped
+down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, and they thought he
+was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and the poor child
+revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; the lower
+half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The rest did
+not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with us;
+and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain.
+
+During this time the dear angel's temper seemed quite to change: he
+asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had
+been guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his
+brother Bullingdon. 'Bully was better than you, papa,' he said; 'he
+used not to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things
+while you were away.' And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in
+each of his little clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but
+love each other, so that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully
+told him quarrelsome people never went. His mother was very much
+affected by these admonitions from the poor suffering angel's mouth;
+and I was so too. I wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel
+which the dying boy gave us.
+
+At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my
+family, the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my
+Lady Lyndon together. 'Oh, Redmond,' said she, kneeling by the sweet
+child's body, 'do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed
+mouth: and do you amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond
+wife as her dying child bade you.' And I said I would: but there are
+promises which it is out of a man's power to keep; especially with
+such a woman as her. But we drew together after that sad event, and
+were for several months better friends.
+
+I won't tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail
+are undertakers' feathers and heralds' trumpery? I went out and shot
+the fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault
+where we laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself
+too. But for the crime, it would have been better that I should,
+perhaps; for what has my life been since that sweet flower was taken
+out of my bosom? A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and
+mental and bodily sufferings which never fell to the lot of any
+other man in Christendom.
+
+Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy's
+catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into
+devotion with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her
+almost distracted at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said
+an angel from heaven had told her that Bryan's death was as a
+punishment to her for her neglect of her first-born. Then she would
+declare Bullingdon was alive; she had seen him in a dream. Then
+again she would fall into fits of sorrow about his death, and grieve
+for him as violently as if he had been the last of her sons who had
+died, and not our darling Bryan; who, compared to Bullingdon, was
+what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her freaks were painful to
+witness, and difficult to control. It began to be said in the
+country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly enemies did
+not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add that I was
+the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I had
+killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don't know what else
+they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies
+reached me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my
+hunt, as they did in England, and when I went to race or market
+found sudden reasons for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the
+name of Wicked Barry, Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country-
+folk used to make marvellous legends about me: the priests said I
+had massacred I don't know how many German nuns in the Seven Years'
+War; that the ghost of the murdered Bullingdon haunted my house.
+Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I had a mind to buy a
+waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by said, ''Tis a
+strait-waistcoat he's buying for my Lady Lyndon.' And from this
+circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many
+circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and
+ingenuity of torturing her.
+
+The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father,
+but injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree;
+for as there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon
+was of a weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a
+family, the next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff--
+began to exert themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at
+the head of the party of enemies who were raising reports to my
+discredit. They interposed between me and my management of the
+property in a hundred different ways; making an outcry if I cut a
+stick, sunk a shaft, sold a picture, or sent a few ounces of plate
+to be remodelled. They harassed me with ceaseless lawsuits, got
+injunctions from Chancery, hampered my agents in the execution of
+their work; so much so that you would have fancied my own was not my
+own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. What is worse, as I have
+reason to believe, they had tamperings and dealings with my own
+domestics under my own roof; for I could not have a word with Lady
+Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be drunk with my
+chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would get hold of
+the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the oaths I
+swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old
+school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did
+and said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I
+know of who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of
+holiness. As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite,
+I may as well confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices
+of my enemies by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly
+justifiable. Everything depended on my having an heir to the estate;
+for if Lady Lyndon, who was of weakly health, had died, the next day
+I was a beggar: all my sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would
+not have been held in a farthing's account; all the debts would have
+been left on my shoulders; and my enemies would have triumphed over
+me: which, to a man of my honourable spirit, was 'the unkindest cut
+of all,' as some poet says.
+
+I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and,
+as I could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED
+TO FIND ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too,
+though with the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then
+I found out the rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having
+broached this plan to Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at
+least, the most obedient of wives,--although I never let a letter
+from her or to her go or arrive without my inspection,--although I
+allowed her to see none but those persons who I thought, in her
+delicate health, would be fitting society for her; yet the infernal
+Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested instantly against it, not
+only by letter, but in the shameful libellous public prints, and
+held me up to public odium as a 'child-forger,' as they called me.
+Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, and offered
+to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and prove
+him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not in this
+instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a lawyer,
+and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have
+accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely:
+indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition
+for nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a
+woman of her weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one
+great crime in consequence of me, but would rather die than perform
+another. I could easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses,
+however: but my scheme had taken wind, and it was now in vain to
+attempt it. We might have had a dozen children in honest wedlock,
+and people would have said they were false.
+
+As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life
+interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my
+time which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters
+did the business, and my wife's life was as well known among them
+as, I do believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I
+wanted to get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence
+to say my treatment of her did not render it worth a year's
+purchase,--as if my interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived,
+it would have been a different thing; he and his mother might have
+cut off the entail of a good part of the property between them, and
+my affairs have been put in better order. Now they were in a bad
+condition indeed. All my schemes had turned out failures; my lands,
+which I had purchased with borrowed money, made me no return, and I
+was obliged to pay ruinous interest for the sums with which I had
+purchased them. My income, though very large, was saddled with
+hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers' charges; and I felt
+the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no means to
+extricate myself from its toils.
+
+To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child's
+death, my wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had
+borne with for twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made
+attempts at what she called escaping from my tyranny.
+
+My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained
+faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true
+light, as a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own
+generous and confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was
+going on; and of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as
+usual, the main promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was
+violent and her ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my
+house; which would have been at rack and ruin long before, but for
+her spirit of order and management, and for her excellent economy in
+the government of my numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she,
+poor soul! was much too fine a lady to attend to household matters--
+passed her days with her doctor, or her books of piety, and never
+appeared among us except at my compulsion; when she and my mother
+would be sure to have a quarrel.
+
+Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all
+matters. She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty;
+had an eye over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in
+the stable; saw to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the
+turf-stacking, the pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and
+the bakehouse, and the ten thousand minutiae of a great
+establishment. If all Irish housewives were like her, I warrant many
+a hall-fire would be blazing where the cobwebs only grow now, and
+many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle where the thistles are
+at present the chief occupiers. If anything could have saved me from
+the consequences of villainy in others, and (I confess it, for I am
+not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, generous, and
+careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence of that
+worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was quiet
+and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter of
+some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of
+jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them
+were!) to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part,
+went to bed sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of
+her attention, has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me
+laid by my servants snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself;
+and been the first in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of
+small-beer. Mine were no milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman
+thought no shame of taking his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your
+coffee and slops, they were left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the
+other old women. It was my mother's pride that I could drink more
+than any man in the country,--as much, within a pint, as my father
+before me, she said.
+
+That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the
+first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I
+set my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship;
+and this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter
+disliked her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry's assistance
+and surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty
+spies to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served
+as by the disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent
+mother. She slept with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an
+eye everywhere. She followed all the Countess's movements like a
+shadow; she managed to know, from morning to night, everything that
+my Lady did. If she walked in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on
+the wicket; and if she chose to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied
+her, and a couple of fellows in my liveries rode alongside of the
+carriage to see that she came to no harm. Though she objected, and
+would have kept her room in sullen silence, I made a point that we
+should appear together at church in the coach-and-six every Sunday;
+and that she should attend the race-balls in my company, whenever
+the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who beset me. This gave
+the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished to make a
+prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, and
+seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to
+supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me,
+I was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip.
+Had she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother
+knew) compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for
+imprisoning her, I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man
+imprisons his wife to a certain degree; the world would be in a
+pretty condition if women were allowed to quit home and return to it
+whenever they had a mind. In watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I
+did no more than exercise the legitimate authority which awards
+honour and obedience to every husband.
+
+Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my
+watchfulness in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have
+given me the slip, had I not had quite as acute a person as herself
+as my ally: for, as the proverb says that 'the best way to catch one
+thief is to set another after him,' so the best way to get the
+better of a woman is to engage one of her own artful sex to guard
+her. One would have thought that, followed as she was, all her
+letters read, and all her acquaintances strictly watched by me,
+living in a remote part of Ireland away from her family, Lady Lyndon
+could have had no chance of communicating with her allies, or of
+making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, public; and yet,
+for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my very nose, and
+acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as shall be told.
+
+She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was
+never thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no
+money to gratify her, and among my debts are milliners' bills to the
+amount of many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro
+from Dublin, with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and
+furbelows, as her fancy dictated. With these would come letters from
+her milliner, in answer to numerous similar injunctions from my
+Lady; all of which passed through my hands, without the least
+suspicion, for some time. And yet in these very papers, by the easy
+means of sympathetic ink, were contained all her Ladyship's
+correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, as I have
+said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me.
+
+But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife
+chose to write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to
+make her drink, as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set
+me a-thinking, and so I tried one of the letters before the fire,
+and the whole scheme of villainy was brought to light. I will give a
+specimen of one of the horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman.
+In a great hand, with wide lines, were written a set of directions
+to her mantua-maker, setting forth the articles of dress for which
+my Lady had need, the peculiarity of their make, the stuff she
+selected, &c. She would make out long lists in this way, writing
+each article in a separate line, so as to have more space for
+detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between these
+lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made the
+fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of
+it, and to have published it under the title of the 'Lovely
+Prisoner, or the Savage Husband,' or by some name equally taking and
+absurd. The journal would be as follows:--
+
+. . . . . . .
+
+'MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious,
+MONSTROUS, VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin
+and red ribands, taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding
+by its side, on the horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone.
+The wicked hypocrite led me to the pew, with hat in hand and a
+smiling countenance, and kissed my hand as I entered the coach after
+service, and patted my Italian greyhound--all that the few people
+collected might see. He made me come downstairs in the evening to
+make tea for his company; of whom three-fourths, he himself
+included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted the parson's face
+black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh bottle; and at
+his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey mare with his
+face to the tail. The she-dragon read the "Whole Duty of Man" all
+the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, locked
+me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she
+adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.'
+
+. . . . . . .
+
+You should have seen my mother's fury as I read her out this
+passage! Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that
+practised on the parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true
+bill), and used carefully to select for Mrs. Barry's hearing all the
+COMPLIMENTS that Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the
+name by which she was known in this precious correspondence: or
+sometimes she was designated by the title of the 'Irish Witch.' As
+for me, I was denominated 'my gaoler,' 'my tyrant,' 'the dark spirit
+which has obtained the mastery over my being,' and so on; in terms
+always complimentary to my power, however little they might be so to
+my amiability. Here is another extract from her 'Prison Diary,' by
+which it will be seen that my Lady, although she pretended to be so
+indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp woman's eye, and could be
+as jealous as another:--
+
+. . . . . . .
+
+'WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life
+was taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he
+joined his neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up
+unheeded by my side: and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I
+am united drove to exile, and perhaps to death? Or is the child
+alive, as my fond heart sometimes deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to
+the aid of a wretched mother, who acknowledges her crimes, her
+coldness towards thee, and now bitterly pays for her error! But no,
+he cannot live! I am distracted! My only hope is in you, my cousin--
+you whom I had once thought to salute by a STILL FONDER TITLE, my
+dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my preserver, the true
+chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from the thrall of the
+felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from him, and from
+Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!'
+
+(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of
+composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the
+'Seven Champions,' and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE
+DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)--
+
+'Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary,
+the tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me.
+'Twas in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the
+fatal journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to
+endure since then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear
+poison, but that I know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping
+me alive, and that my death would be the signal for his ruin. But I
+dare not stir without my odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid
+Irishwoman, who pursues my every step. I am locked into my chamber
+at night, like a felon, and only suffered to leave it when ORDERED
+into the presence of my lord (_I_ ordered!), to be present at his
+orgies with his boon companions, and to hear his odious converse as
+he lapses into the disgusting madness of intoxication! He has given
+up even the semblance of constancy--he, who swore that I alone could
+attach or charm him! And now he brings his vulgar mistresses before
+my very eyes, and would have had me acknowledge, as heir to my own
+property, his child by another!
+
+'No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early
+friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate
+join me to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his
+sway, and make the poor Calista happy?'
+
+. . . . . . .
+
+So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest
+cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say
+whether the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and
+vain a creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being
+taken care of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George
+Poynings, her old flame, in which she addressed him by the most
+affectionate names, and implored him to find a refuge for her
+against her oppressors; but they would fatigue the reader to peruse,
+as they would me to copy. The fact is, that this unlucky lady had
+the knack of writing a great deal more than she meant. She was
+always reading novels and trash; putting herself into imaginary
+characters and flying off into heroics and sentimentalities with as
+little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet showing the most violent
+disposition to be in love. She wrote always as if she was in a flame
+of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the most tender and
+pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes of remonstrance
+to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on quarrelling
+with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she addressed
+as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment she
+took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above
+passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling:
+the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves
+to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and
+she only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he
+may be of some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely
+with this woman, keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred
+discord between us, and locking her up out of mischief, who shall
+say that I was wrong? If any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it
+was my Lady Lyndon; and I have known people in my time manacled, and
+with their heads shaved, in the straw, who had not committed half
+the follies of that foolish, vain, infatuated creature.
+
+My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which
+these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I
+could keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady
+Lyndon; whom it was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of
+our knowledge of her designs: for I was anxious to know how far they
+went, and to what pitch of artifice she would go. The letters
+increased in interest (as they say of the novels) as they proceeded.
+Pictures were drawn of my treatment of her which would make your
+heart throb. I don't know of what monstrosities she did not accuse
+me, and what miseries and starvation she did not profess herself to
+undergo; all the while she was living exceedingly fat and contented,
+to outward appearances, at our house at Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading
+and vanity had turned her brain. I could not say a rough word to her
+(and she merited many thousands a day, I can tell you), but she
+declared I was putting her to the torture; and my mother could not
+remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of hysterics, of
+which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause.
+
+At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no
+means kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters,
+and left her doctor's shop at her entire service,--knowing her
+character full well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less
+likely to lay hands on her precious life than herself; yet these
+threats had an effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were
+addressed; for the milliner's packets now began to arrive with great
+frequency, and the bills sent to her contained assurances of coming
+aid. The chivalrous Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin's
+rescue, and did me the compliment to say that he hoped to free his
+dear cousin from the clutches of the most atrocious villain that
+ever disgraced humanity; and that, when she was free, measures
+should be taken for a divorce, on the ground of cruelty and every
+species of ill-usage on my part.
+
+I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the
+other carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and
+secretary, Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the
+Castle Lyndon property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I
+had taken from her in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his
+education at Trinity College, and provide for him through life. But
+after the lad had been for a year at the University, the tutors
+would not admit him to commons or lectures until his college bills
+were paid; and, offended by this insolent manner of demanding the
+paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage from the place, and ordered
+my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made him useful to me in a
+hundred ways. In my dear little boy's lifetime, he tutored the poor
+child as far as his high spirit would let him; but I promise you it
+was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the books. Then he kept
+Mrs. Barry's accounts; copied my own interminable correspondence
+with my lawyers and the agents of all my various property; took a
+hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and my mother; or,
+being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish spirit, as
+became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady Lyndon's
+spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: in
+both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with
+which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old
+mother very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for,
+not understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious
+when they were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they
+were after. It was Lady Lyndon's constant way of annoying the old
+lady, when the three were alone together, to address Quin in one or
+other of these tongues.
+
+I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred
+the lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various
+proofs of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of
+Lord George's letters, in reply to some of my Lady's complaints;
+which were concealed between the leather and the boards of a book
+which was sent from the circulating library for her Ladyship's
+perusal. He and my Lady too had frequent quarrels. She mimicked his
+gait in her pleasanter moments; in her haughty moods, she would not
+sit down to table with a tailor's grandson. 'Send me anything for
+company but that odious Quin,' she would say, when I proposed that
+he should go and amuse her with his books and his flute; for,
+quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were always at
+it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends for a
+month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight;
+then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which
+domestic circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship's peculiar
+way, in her journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty
+document it is! Sometimes she writes, 'My monster has been almost
+kind to-day;' or, 'My ruffian has deigned to smile.' Then she will
+break out into expressions of savage hate; but for my poor mother it
+was ALWAYS hatred. It was, 'The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to
+Heaven she would die!' or, 'The hideous old Irish basketwoman has
+been treating me to some of her Billingsgate to-day,' and so forth:
+all which expressions, read to Mrs. Barry, or translated from the
+French and Italian, in which many of them were written, did not fail
+to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury against her charge: and so
+I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always on the alert. In
+translating these languages, young Quin was of great service to me;
+for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I was in the
+army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, and was
+glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter.
+
+This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on
+whom and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually
+trying to betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league
+with the enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did
+not move earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons--
+money: of which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful
+scarcity; but of this they also managed to get a supply through my
+rascal of a godson, who could come and go quite unsuspected: the
+whole scheme was arranged under our very noses, and the post-chaise
+ordered, and the means of escape actually got ready; while I never
+suspected their design.
+
+A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my
+colliers had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her
+bachelor, as they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought
+the letter-bag for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me
+was there in it, God wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how
+he brought a bag of money from the town for Master Quin; and how
+that Tim the post-boy had told him that he was to bring a chaise
+down to the water at a certain hour. Miss Rooney, who had no secrets
+from me, blurted out the whole story; asked me what scheming I was
+after, and what poor unlucky girl I was going to carry away with the
+chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the money I had got from town?
+
+Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished
+in my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of
+catching the couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the
+ferry which they had to cross to get to their chaise, and of
+pistolling the young traitor before Lady Lyndon's eyes; but, on
+second thoughts, it was quite clear that the news of the escape
+would make a noise through the country, and rouse the confounded
+justice's people about my ears, and bring me no good in the end. So
+I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and to content myself
+by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it was about to
+be hatched.
+
+I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible
+looks, I had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her;
+confessing all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would
+never make such an attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty
+times on the point of owning everything to me, but that she feared
+my wrath against the poor young lad her accomplice: who was indeed
+the author and inventor of all the mischief. This--though I knew how
+entirely false the statement was--I was fain to pretend to believe;
+so I begged her to write to her cousin, Lord George, who had
+supplied her with money, as she admitted, and with whom the plan had
+been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had altered her mind as to
+the trip to the country proposed; and that, as her dear husband was
+rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at home and nurse
+him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it would give
+me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us at Castle
+Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in former
+times gave me so much satisfaction. 'I should seek him out,' I
+added, 'so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly
+anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.' I think he must
+have understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would
+run him through the body on the very first occasion I could come at
+him.
+
+Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which
+the young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was
+quite unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, 'What do I owe
+you?' said he. 'I have toiled for you as no man ever did for
+another, and worked without a penny of wages. It was you yourself
+who set me against you, by giving me a task against which my soul
+revolted,--by making me a spy over your unfortunate wife, whose
+weakness is as pitiable as are her misfortunes and your rascally
+treatment of her. Flesh and blood could not bear to see the manner
+in which you used her. I tried to help her to escape from you; and I
+would do it again, if the opportunity offered, and so I tell you to
+your teeth!' When I offered to blow his brains out for his
+insolence, 'Pooh!' said he,--'kill the man who saved your poor boy's
+life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the ruin and
+perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a
+Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of
+crime? I would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance
+of rescuing this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw
+you strike her. Kill me, you woman's bully! You would if you dared;
+but you have not the heart. Your very servants like me better than
+you. Touch me, and they will rise and send you to the gallows you
+merit!'
+
+I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the
+young gentleman's head, which felled him to the ground; and then I
+went to meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow
+had saved poor little Bryan's life, and the boy to his dying day was
+tenderly attached to him. 'Be good to Redmond, papa,' were almost
+the last words he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his
+death-bed, that I would do as he asked. It was also true, that rough
+usage of him would be little liked by my people, with whom he had
+managed to become a great favourite: for, somehow, though I got
+drunk with the rascals often, and was much more familiar with them
+than a man of my rank commonly is, yet I knew I was by no means
+liked by them; and the scoundrels were murmuring against me
+perpetually.
+
+But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate
+should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my
+hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding
+up his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from
+the stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house
+and park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or
+hindrance; and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off
+in the very post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and
+heard no more of him for a considerable time; and now that he was
+out of the house, did not consider him a very troublesome enemy.
+
+But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long
+run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and
+though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my
+wife's perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and
+under her own handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and
+her hatred for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite
+of all my precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf.
+Had I followed that good lady's advice, who scented the danger from
+afar off, as it were, I should never have fallen into the snare
+prepared for me; and which was laid in a way that was as successful
+as it was simple.
+
+My Lady Lyndon's relation with me was a singular one. Her life was
+passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and
+hatred for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred
+sometimes) there was nothing she would not do to propitiate me
+further; and she would be as absurd and violent in her expressions
+of fondness as, at other moments, she would be in her demonstrations
+of hatred. It is not your feeble easy husbands who are loved best in
+the world; according to my experience of it. I do think the women
+like a little violence of temper, and think no worse of a husband
+who exercises his authority pretty smartly. I had got my Lady into
+such a terror about me, that when I smiled, it was quite an era of
+happiness to her; and if I beckoned to her, she would come fawning
+up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for the few days I was at
+school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would laugh if ever our
+schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in the regiment whenever
+the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be jocular--not a recruit
+but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and determined husband will
+get his wife into this condition of discipline; and I brought my
+high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, to fetch and
+carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a holiday, too,
+when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much in the
+duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very
+hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in
+their hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from
+agreeable, in order to deceive you.
+
+After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless
+opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have
+been on my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she
+managed to mislead me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable,
+and lulled me into a fatal security with regard to her intentions:
+for, one day, as I was joking her, and asking her whether she would
+take the water again, whether she had found another lover, and so
+forth, she suddenly burst into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand,
+cried passionately out,--
+
+'Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you!
+Was I ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me
+happy! ever so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part
+did not bring me to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of
+my affection for you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in
+England upon you? Have I repined or rebuked you for the way you have
+wasted it? No, I loved you too much and too fondly; I have always
+loved you. From the first moment I saw you, I felt irresistibly
+attracted towards you. I saw your bad qualities, and trembled at
+your violence; but I could not help loving you. I married you,
+though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; and in spite of
+reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I am ready to
+make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least you
+will gently use me.'
+
+I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of
+reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw
+me softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said,
+'Depend on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head
+now.' The old lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her
+Ladyship had prepared to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a
+hook.
+
+I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which
+I had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair
+of the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers
+for my advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own
+was of little value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from
+any money-dealer in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals
+from the latter place to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that
+unlucky affair I had with Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the
+money he brought down, and old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the
+bond I gave him after leaving my house, [Footnote: These exploits of
+Mr. Lyndon are not related in the narrative. He probably, in the
+cases above alluded to, took the law into his own hands.] the people
+would not trust themselves within my walls any more. Our rents, too,
+were in the hands of receivers by this time, and it was as much as I
+could do to get enough money from the rascals to pay my wine-
+merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have said, was
+equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and
+agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for
+debts and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had
+on me.
+
+It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter
+from my confidential man in Gray's Inn, London, saying (in reply to
+some ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me
+some money; and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the
+city of London, connected with the mining interest, which offered to
+redeem the incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of
+ours, which was still pretty free, upon the Countess's signature;
+and provided they could be assured of her free will in giving it.
+They said they heard she lived in terror of her life from me, and
+meditated a separation, in which case she might repudiate any deeds
+signed by her while in durance, and subject them, at any rate, to a
+doubtful and expensive litigation; and demanded to be made assured
+of her Ladyship's perfect free will in the transaction before they
+advanced a shilling of their capital.
+
+Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must
+be sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no
+difficulty in persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand,
+declaring that the accounts of our misunderstandings were utter
+calumnies; that we lived in perfect union, and that she was quite
+ready to execute any deed which her husband might desire her to
+sign.
+
+This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes.
+I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and
+law affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I
+never thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by
+their urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was
+done. I was living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and
+the bread, turf, and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady
+Lyndon within, and the bailiffs without. For the last two years,
+since I went to Dublin to receive money (which I unluckily lost at
+play there, to the disappointment of my creditors), I did not
+venture to show in that city: and could only appear at our own
+county town at rare intervals, and because I knew the sheriffs: whom
+I swore I would murder if any ill chance happened to me. A chance of
+a good loan, then, was the most welcome prospect possible to me, and
+I hailed it with all the eagerness imaginable.
+
+In reply to Lady Lyndon's letter, came, in course of time, an answer
+from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship
+would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin
+Lane, London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her
+property, would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring
+the risk of a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were
+aware how other respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and
+Salmon of Dublin, had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but
+there are certain situations in which people can't dictate their own
+terms: and, 'faith, I was so pressed now for money, that I could
+have signed a bond with Old Nick himself, if he had come provided
+with a good round sum.
+
+I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain
+that my mother prayed and warned me. 'Depend on it,' says she,
+'there is some artifice. When once you get into that wicked town,
+you are not safe. Here you may live for years and years, in luxury
+and splendour, barring claret and all the windows broken; but as
+soon as they have you in London, they'll get the better of my poor
+innocent lad; and the first thing I shall hear of you will be, that
+you are in trouble.'
+
+'Why go, Redmond?' said my wife. 'I am happy here, as long as you
+are kind to me, as you are now. We can't appear in London as we
+ought; the little money you will get will be spent, like all the
+rest has been. Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our
+flocks and be content.' And she took my hand and kissed it; while my
+mother only said, 'Humph! I believe she's at the bottom of it--the
+wicked SCHAMER!'
+
+I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and
+was hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I
+was to get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by
+my good mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who
+produced sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money
+that Barry Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of
+forty thousand a year, could command: such had been the havoc made
+in this fine fortune by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but
+chiefly by my misplaced confidence and the rascality of others.
+
+We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the
+country know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our
+neighbours. The famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled
+in a hack-chaise and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and
+Mrs. Jones, and thence took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived
+quite without accident. When a man is going to the deuce, how easy
+and pleasant the journey is! The thought of the money quite put me
+in a good humour, and my wife, as she lay on my shoulder in the
+post-chaise going to London, said it was the happiest ride she had
+taken since our marriage.
+
+One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my
+agent at Gray's Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and
+begging him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations
+for the loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and
+wait there for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed
+a score of plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have
+thought it was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman!
+woman! when I recollect Lady Lyndon's smiles and blandishments--how
+happy she seemed to be on that night! what an air of innocent
+confidence appeared in her behaviour, and what affectionate names
+she called me!--I am lost in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy.
+Who can be surprised that an unsuspecting person like myself should
+have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver!
+
+We were in London at three o'clock, and half-an-hour before the time
+appointed our chaise drove to Gray's Inn. I easily found out Mr.
+Tapewell's apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I
+entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble
+lamp and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed
+agitated and faint.
+
+'Redmond,' said she, as we got up to the door, 'don't go in: I am
+sure there is danger. There's time yet; let us go back--to Ireland--
+anywhere!' And she put herself before the door, in one of her
+theatrical attitudes, and took my hand.
+
+I just pushed her away to one side. 'Lady Lyndon,' said I, 'you are
+an old fool!'
+
+'Old fool!' said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly
+answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom
+she cried, 'Say Lady Lyndon is here;' and stalked down the passage
+muttering 'Old fool.' It was 'OLD' which was the epithet that
+touched her. I might call her anything but that.
+
+Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and
+tin boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated;
+pointed towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at
+his insolence; and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be
+back in one moment.
+
+And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you
+think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with
+bludgeons and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady
+Jane Peckover.
+
+When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his
+arms in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her
+preserver, her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured
+out a flood of invective which quite astonished me.
+
+'Old fool as I am,' said she, 'I have outwitted the most crafty and
+treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married
+you, and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a
+fool when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-
+born adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most
+monstrous tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to
+be squandered; to see women, as base and low-born as yourself'--
+
+'For Heaven's sake, be calm!' cries the lawyer; and then bounded
+back behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye
+which the rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to
+pieces, had he come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a
+strain of incoherent fury; screaming against me, and against my
+mother especially, upon whom she heaped abuse worthy of
+Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the sentence with the
+word fool.
+
+'You don't tell all, my Lady,' says I bitterly; 'I said OLD fool.'
+
+'I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard
+could say or do,' interposed little Poynings. 'This lady is now safe
+under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear
+your infamous persecutions no longer.'
+
+'But YOU are not safe,' roared I; 'and, as sure as I am a man of
+honour, and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart's
+blood now.'
+
+'Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!'
+screamed the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs.
+
+'I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,' cried
+my Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. 'If the scoundrel
+remains in London another day, he will be seized as a common
+swindler.' And this threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that
+there were scores of writs out against me in town, and that once in
+prison my case was hopeless.
+
+'Where's the man will seize me!' shouted I, drawing my sword, and
+placing my back to the door. 'Let the scoundrel come. You--you
+cowardly braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!'
+
+'We're not going to seize you!' said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her
+aunt, and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. 'My
+dear sir, we don't wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome
+sum to leave the country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!'
+
+'And the country will be well rid of such a villain!' says my Lord,
+retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the
+scoundrel of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the
+apartment, and in company of the bullies from the police-office, who
+were all armed to the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at
+twenty, when I should have charged the ruffians sword in hand, and
+have sent at least one of them to his account. I was broken in
+spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly baffled and beaten by
+that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she paused and
+begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? Her
+conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance
+now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer's
+desk.
+
+'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr.
+Tapewell I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!'
+and I sat down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change
+from the Barry Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old
+book about Hannibal the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the
+Romans, his troops, which were the most gallant in the world, and
+carried all before them, went into cantonments in some city where
+they were so sated with the luxuries and pleasures of life, that
+they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It was so with me now.
+My strength of mind and body were no longer those of the brave youth
+who shot his man at fifteen, and fought a score of battles within
+six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet Prison, where I write this,
+there is a small man who is always jeering me and making game of me;
+who asks me to fight, and I haven't the courage to touch him. But I
+am anticipating the gloomy and wretched events of my history of
+humiliation, and had better proceed in order.
+
+I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray's Inn; taking care to
+inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a
+visit from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon's
+friends proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the
+condition of my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to
+be stopped on the instant of my return. He told me what I very well
+knew, that my stay in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol;
+that there were writs innumerable taken out against me here, and in
+the West of England; that my credit was so blown upon that I could
+not hope to raise a shilling; and he left me a night to consider of
+his proposal; saying that, if I refused it, the family would
+proceed: if I acceded, a quarter's salary should be paid to me at
+any foreign port I should prefer.
+
+What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the
+annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The
+rascal Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing.
+It was he devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing
+the attorney's letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between
+him and the Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying
+the plan, and had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her
+inordinate love of romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of
+these points my mother wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at
+the same time to come over and share it with me; which proposal I
+declined. She left Castle Lyndon a very short time after I had
+quitted it; and there was silence in that hall where, under my
+authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality and splendour. She
+thought she would never see me again, and bitterly reproached me for
+neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in her estimate of
+me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this moment in the
+prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over the way;
+and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with a wise
+prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite unworthy
+of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon.
+
+ Mr. Barry Lyndon's personal narrative finishes here, for the hand
+of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at
+which the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an
+inmate of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died
+of delirium tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and
+the inhabitants of the place in her time can record with accuracy
+the daily disputes which used to take place between mother and son;
+until the latter, from habits of intoxication, falling into a state
+of almost imbecility, was tended by his tough old parent as a baby
+almost, and would cry if deprived of his necessary glass of brandy.
+
+His life on the Continent we have not the means of following
+accurately; but he appears to have resumed his former profession of
+a gambler, without his former success.
+
+He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an
+abortive attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a
+threat of publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so
+preventing his Lordship's match with Miss Driver, a great heiress,
+of strict principles, and immense property in slaves in the West
+Indies. Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs
+who were despatched after him by his lordship, who would have
+stopped his pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act
+of justice, and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment
+he married the West India lady.
+
+The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and
+was never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her
+property being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs,
+who were to succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was
+the address of Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman,
+that he actually had almost persuaded her to go and live with him
+again; when his plan and hers was interrupted by the appearance of a
+person who had been deemed dead for several years.
+
+This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the
+surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house
+of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with
+the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the
+former threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a
+connection, we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest
+dishonour upon either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was
+in the habit of writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies,
+nay gentlemen, have done ere this. For calling the honour of his
+mother in question, Lord Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living
+at Bath under the name of Mr. Jones), and administered to him a
+tremendous castigation in the Pump-Room.
+
+His Lordship's history, since his departure, was a romantic one,
+which we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the
+American War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The
+remittances which were promised him were never sent; the thought of
+the neglect almost broke the heart of the wild and romantic young
+man, and he determined to remain dead to the world at least, and to
+the mother who had denied him. It was in the woods of Canada, and
+three years after the event had occurred, that he saw the death of
+his half-brother chronicled in the Gentleman's Magazine, under the
+title of 'Fatal Accident to Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon;' on which
+he determined to return to England: where, though he made himself
+known, it was with very great difficulty indeed that he satisfied
+Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his claim. He was about to pay a
+visit to his lady mother at Bath, when he recognised the well-known
+face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the modest disguise which that
+gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person the insults of former
+days.
+
+Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined
+to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her
+adored Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile,
+from gaol to gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo,
+of Chancery Lane, an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from
+whose house he went to the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his
+assistant, the prisoner, nay, the prison itself, are now no more.
+
+As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was
+perhaps as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when
+her Ladyship died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity,
+devoting the sum to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler
+use of it than the scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his
+Lordship's death, in the Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his
+estate fell in to the family of the Tiptoffs, and his title merged
+in their superior rank; but it does not appear that the Marquis of
+Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the title on the demise of his
+brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. Barry or the charities
+which the late lord had endowed. The estate has vastly improved
+under his Lordship's careful management. The trees in Hackton Park
+are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is rented in
+exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain the
+stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the
+wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon.
+
+THE END
+
+
+The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
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+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
+